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Weekend Open Thread

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229 Comments

  1. I’m a bridesmaid in an outdoor wedding where we have been asked to wear nude shoes of any height. I’m on the shorter side, so I would like to have a heel (2.5-3.5″ is probably ideal), but I need either a block heel or wedge to make sure I don’t get stuck in potential mud. Comfort is also a priority since I tend to leave my heels on all day (I don’t like having my bare feet on reception dance floors), although I still want them to be cute. Any recommendations? Under $100, although the cheaper the better. I run a bit narrow.

    (Cross posting from the morning post since I was a bit late)

    1. Depending on formality and the dress, it might be totally inappropriate, but I have some Viscata espadrilles that are very comfortable. Specifically the leather ones, I don’t think I’d like the ones that are all linen. They are on that website that is taking over the world…

    3. How about Trotters Candela? They’re a smidge shorter than you’d like (2.25″ heel) but I’ve found the brand comfortable. They come in narrow widths.

    5. I wore Tom’s nude wedges to my last outdoor weddings, and so did the bride!

  2. I’m so mad. My SO took our dog to the vet and got frustrated that the vet obviously hadn’t reviewed any of the charts/paperwork prior to the appointment, and talked down to her in a way that made her burst out into tears. I called the vet to apologize. Now he’s mad at me for apologizing and “taking the vets side”. Am I crazy here? I think he doesn’t understand how harsh his tone can be, even if its not technically “yelling”. I can’t imagine being so disrespectful over something that is, frankly, common and mundane.

    1. Good God. How does he talk to waiters and parking valets? Or people in his workplace? Yes, it’s frustrating to meet with someone who is not prepared, and perhaps the vet was having a bad day otherwise, but he sounds like an unpleasant person, and you are right to be mad and think he is/was out of line.

      1. He’s usually polite but he’s quick to lose his politeness when he’s unhappy with something. I think he has a view of “I’m the customer I’m entitled to my preference, I don’t care about your feelings”, which I vehemently disagree with. I’m not dumping him over this but I don’t know how to make him see this attitude is unnecessarily rude

        1. If he’s unnecessarily rude, I think this is dump-worthy. Do you want him to be like that with your parents or kids or kids’ teachers?

        2. I mean, yeah, he’s the customer, but she’s the person with the expertise that he’s trying to get help from. It seems like he needs to understand that honey works better than vinegar here? And that adults can demonstrate frustration without being hostile; politeness isn’t just for when it’s convenient for you.

        3. A few thoughts on this:

          1. You are not going to get him to change. He doesn’t see it as a problem.
          2. It is horrible and definitely dump-worthy.
          3. No adult should ever apologize for another adult. I was on vacation last week and a guy said something rude to my husband (apparently — we didn’t even hear it) and his wife came up and said “I’m sorry — when he drinks he says mean things,” and we just cringed. Do you want to be that pathetic woman? The one who goes around apologizing for her awful mean husband? Ugh. I know I sure don’t.
          4. And yes, it most definitely is taking the other person’s side against him and I can see how he’s mad even if you think he’s wrong.
          5. Again, this is dump-worthy and that is what you should do.

          2. I usually love you SA but you know one snippet of this person’s life. Saying you should dump him goes a bit far.

          4. YMMV, Anon at 4:08 p.m. To me this kind of behavior would be a dealbreaker. I think a relationship stands or falls on its worst moments and I wouldn’t be willing to be with somebody who is rude to people. If I know that about him that’s all I need to know.

            Again, that assumes this is his standard MO. Anybody can have an isolated slip-up (in which case it’s inappropriate for you to apologize for him). But if it’s a regular occurrence I’m out.

          5. Yeah, I don’t know. I’ve known some people who were more or less socialized this way (some cultures seem much harsher than others in situations like this; I will not name any stereotypes, but I was once a mediocre cashier in a diverse town, and I could not help but notice some patterns). I therefore feel weird about making it a deal breaker in general. I guess what counts as rude and polite probably has a lot to do with expectations and where people develop thinner or thicker skin. I don’t like it, and I think he should change, but I don’t see why he can’t.

          6. I agree with SA. Some people know exactly what they are doing. They even announce they are being rude, they tell what they are going to do that is rude, and then they are rude. Then they discuss how they feel, after they were rude. As they get older, this pattern becomes more verbalized. Get out while you can.

          7. I apologize for my dad if he’s rude to someone in front of me. It happens all the time. Even “Sorry, my dad can be blunt” in passing is a recognition to whatever human being he’s treated like crap didn’t deserve it.

            ITA that you don’t want this to be your job re: your spouse.

      2. A waiter is not a skilled and highly educated professional to whom you are looking for a very expensive service. I would angry if my animal were sick and the vet had not reviewed the test results, or whatever.

    2. If he’s usually polite to service folk, my guess is he’s upset here because his dog’s health is at stake and it’s stressing him out, and he’s upset with you because he feels you two should be a team. I’d also guess that as a man, he doesn’t know how to express a broad range of emotions, so when he’s stressed it comes out as anger and an attempt to gain dominance over the situation.

      However, the two of you being a team doesn’t always mean taking his side, sometimes it means letting him know you understand he’s stressed out and worried about the dog, but the vet’s doing her best and he needs to give her a break. It was possible for him to express disappointment without flying off the handle and being rude, and he needs to learn how to do that.

    3. Honestly, at least in my relationship, you’d both be in the wrong here. He clearly shouldn’t have done what he did, so you’re right. But he’s a grown man, you’re not his mother, and if anyone is going to apologize, it has to be him. If my spouse called someone to apologize for my behavior instead of talking it through with me (after we both cooled down) to reach a mutually acceptable conclusion, I’d be furious. (I mean, assuming that whatever I did was within the bounds of mistakes that reasonable humans sometimes make).

      1. I completely agree. I would be so angry if my husband called and apologized for my behaviour – talk about patronizing.

        2. Yeah, that’s a good point. That thought makes me cringe all over. Bleghhh.

        3. I agree too. SO sounds like a jerk, and if he does this all the time, it’s definitely not unreasonable to break up with him over it. At the same time, I cannot imagine apologizing for my spouse’s behavior and would kill my husband if he apologized to someone else for my behavior.

          The worst fight I’ve ever seen my parents get in was one where my mom yelled at an airline customer service person (who kinda deserved it) and then my dad apologized to the airline person and told her he was sorry my mom was being so “emotional.” I honestly thought my parents were going to get a divorce right there in the airport.

          1. One of the wisest things I’ve ever heard was something like, “Men are terrible at airports. That’s why they have so many garbage cans. So you can throw them away.” (Texted to me by a friend, while my husband was being the worst at an airport.)

      2. +1. I would be extremely angry if my spouse apologized on my behalf. It’s OK to let your partner know when they’re being a jerk, but it’s up to them to apologize for their behavior.

    4. Your SO may have been a jerk, but seriously, what kind of professional bursts into tears while on the job.

      In the words of Cameron Diaz, cry on the inside, like a winner.

        1. But come on — there’s no crying in baseball or at work.

          Difficult stuff is difficult, but at some point, an adult should not burst into tears.

        2. We don’t really know. He could have screamed at her, in which case the crying was 100% reasonable. Or he could have said in a rude tone of voice “I really expected you to be more prepared” in which case I think OP’s SO was basically being reasonable and the vet was pretty unprofessional for crying. It sounds like it was more the latter more than the former. Quite honestly, I would be pretty frustrated if the vet hadn’t looked at the charts at all and would make my displeasure known, albeit in a calm way.
          But from follow up comments, it sounds like he’s always rude to customer service people and that’s not cool.

      2. Yeah, I had slightly more sympathy with the husband in this story than I otherwise would, since I’ve had such memorably bad experiences with veterinarians making mistakes and being unable to do their jobs. I felt bad for them, but I felt worse for my cat who was stabbed at repeatedly until the veterinarian got upset and gave up (and then I had to take my very sick and now angry cat to another vet entirely in another part of town). I now have a “toughness” criterion for veterinarians. (He still 100% should not have talked down to her that way though, and if this is a pattern it’s a very, very bad one.)

      3. As someone who worked in veterinary medicine, I can tell you that 90% of vets are a hair’s width from crying, always. Because you can never get used to euthanizing animals. At most clinics there is at least one a day, all week, every week. Vets have one of the highest suicide rates of any profession for this reason. So, your SO is an a-hole, and I can tell you that the vet appreciated your call, even though I agree with everything said above about apologizing for another adult.

        http://www.vmdtoday.com/journals/vmd/2017/october2017/modernday-plague-understanding-the-scope-of-veterinary-suicide

          2. I am so done with this troll. I am actually okay with seeing some of the more wrongheaded comments that are posted here; after all, people are thinking these things in real life too, they just aren’t saying them (whether it’s “when you work from home you just make pot roast all day” or “you faked your kid’s ADHD to get a leg up” in the thread above). Sometimes people even think better of the crappy thing they said. But this jack4$$ is just too much. Why even come to a website where people comment on things if you hate other people this much?

          3. Let’s not feed this troll. If we ignore it, it might eventually go away.

        3. This is why we wrote heartfelt letters to our vets after our first dog past. They were amazing and I knew it broke their heart too.

        4. Honestly, I don’t understand how you could *not* be. I have to change the channel if those ASPCA commercials come on. I am haunted for days after hearing about animal abuse. Our vet absolutely shed tears with us when we had to put our dog down, which I know is different than what happened here, but still. I guess the other alternative is to become jaded? But that’s no good.

      4. Wow. I really cringe at a lot of your posts, Never too many shoes… , but this one takes the cake.

    5. “Damn right I’m taking the vet’s side – I think you were wrong to treat her that way. Which is why I apologized. I apologized to the vet because even though we are the customer, it is not our place to tell her how to do her job. We are asking to use her expertise in a professional capacity, so she deserves to be treated like a professional doing her job. I apologized because I do not agree with your handling of the situation, so yes, I am taking the vet’s side – I would not appreciate a client treating me the way you treated her.”

      It could be that he knows he was overblown in his response (and is now feeling defensive) – but if this is a pattern of his, then it may be a long road and you won’t ever get him to change. You are the one who has to decide if you are okay living with the attitude if he never changes and you are feeling compelled to apologize for him over the next 30-50 years.

      1. Well, the vet wasn’t prepared. He wasn’t telling her how to do her job, he was frustrated that she wasn’t prepared. She wasn’t doing a good job, apparently.

        What if the vet had been an unprepared man? Would people still have this same harsh “dump him” reaction about the SO? Or would people be complaining about lazy male service providers and suggesting they look for a new vet?

    6. Clarification- I didn’t apologize on his behalf. I just said I was sorry that happened and thank you for taking the time to examine our dog, I hope you have a great weekend.

      1. “I just said I was sorry that happened”…um that is apologizing for his behavior? I don’t get this distinction you’re trying to draw.

      2. In any event, you can’t go back there without being known as the woman with the unstable husband. Find a new vet.

  3. Menu help!
    Wednesday is DH’s birthday, and I’m pulling a small family dinner together at the last minute because we’ve been focused on a big medical issue (and I plain forgot till MIL reminded me).

    He’s been on a baseball kick because Ken Burns and the dodgers got him through recent bedrest. All he’s requested for his birthday is ballpark style hotdogs. DH hates potato salad, but I’ll probably make it for the rest of us. MIL has cake covered, I think. What else should I make to go along?

      1. Maybe some chili to top the hot dogs? (And it’s hearty and filling and delicious by itself.) I think of nachos and soft pretzels when I think of baseball since they’re big seller at my local ballpark.

        1. And peanuts in bags like at the ballpark! Throw them around the room like the vendors do! Big fun!

    2. Good potato chips for your husband!
      Beer!
      Good hot dog buns and the cheap kind like the ballpark has.

      A nice layout of toppings for hot dogs, including cut up tomatoes, onion, relish/pickles and simple ketchup and mustard etc…

    4. I would do some sort of veggie: grilled broccoli, asparagus, big green salad, etc. Mac and cheese also goes well with hot dogs.

      1. Coleslaw is always good at a cookout. You could also make homemade cracker jack mix!

        1. I still have the helmet from one of our trips to Yankee Stadium. My sock monkey wears it!

  4. My 9 year old daughter was just diagnosed with ADHD. This was a diagnosis we fought long and hard for over the past year. I first wanted to thank everyone here- her teacher did not see any clear signs of ADHD, and her pediatrician couldn’t diagnose ADHD due to the teacher’s neutral evaluations. After reading here about how ADHD shows differently in females than males I pushed for a neuro-psychological evaluation which showed how and where she was struggling. Having this diagnosis was a huge relief after all of the homework struggles, not being able to get out of the house in the morning, and seeing grades of either A’s or F’s with no in between.

    Now that we have the diagnosis, a 504 plan will be in place for next school year. Has anyone been through this process with the school? Do you have any advice? I feel like there might be more pushback because she is so well behaved and maintains high grades.

    I also wanted to ask for any resources you find helpful- for both me and her. Lastly I wanted to ask for advice on how to help her raise her self-esteem and confidence level. There was so much shame this year when she’d come home with incomplete work, or bad grades due to not understanding the directions.

    Thank you!!

    1. Congrats. You just got her more time for projects, the SATs etc to get her a leg up on all the other kids. Let’s be real that was the goal of fighting for this label.

      2. This post Congrats. “You just got her more time for projects, the SATs etc to get her a leg up on all the other kids. Let’s be real that was the goal of fighting for this label.” is so far out of line.

        I’ve noticed that the first Anonymous’s post as a reply to questions or possibly acrimonious posts is always so so so negative. I wish Kat could stop this person – it seems like the same person over and over again. Or sheesh – use a moniker other than “anonymous” so that we can ignore you.

        And Kat, I really think going to a sign-in type blog would help moderate (in both senses of the word) these people.

        1. I’ve noticed this pattern too! @Kat, since so many posts go into mod anyway, why not use that tool to stop actual discussion-killing, tr*lling, harmful posts like this one?

          1. If you were a regular here and posted with a screen name, I might believe you.

      3. I wasn’t going to reply to your rude assumption but I obviously might need the practice defending myself and my decision to push for this diagnosis for my daughter.
        The reason I fought was because I saw her self-esteem plummeting, not just because I was concerned about her grades. The level of frustration happening internally was snow-balling. She was working very hard (hour-wise) but getting nowhere. We would talk about what she learned in class and she never remembered learning the new topics. She would forget to write her homework assignments in her agenda, and when she did finish her assignments she’d need to be reminded continuously to turn them in. My self-esteem as a parent was also taking a hit. We would spend hours on 3rd grade homework, we would constantly be late for school due to her forgetting things, and she could not maintain a conversation for more than a minute. I kept asking what I was doing wrong, but knew it couldn’t just be my parenting because I have another daughter not struggling at all.
        Her father, who is currently an Engineer with the state, did not graduate high school due to not managing his ADHD properly. Once he found his learning style (hands on) and tools to manage sitting through test, reading books etc. his success level sky-rocketed.
        We are in no way, shape or form looking for a leg up. We are looking for tools to help her to understand how her brain works, and also give her teachers a heads up that her brain does work differently. If the neuropsychologist said there were attentional no issues, I would have respected that decision and continued to work with my daughter without the 504 plan.
        My daughter’s 504 plan doesn’t ask for extra time on tests… she already races through them just to be done. She recently completed 2 days of MCAS in one sitting. The plan asks for her to have a seat near the front of the room, for the teacher to check for understanding with visual cues, for her to have directions read allowed to her after she reads them, and for the teacher to remind her to review her tests.
        I am not a very assertive person and it can be very hard for me to ask for help, but when it comes to my children I will advocate. As a parent you have to trust your instinct when something doesn’t feel right, and I am proud I did that. I came here to thank everyone who has shared about their experiences with ADHD in previous posts and ask for advice from those with experience. I did not come here to have my decisions questioned, but thank you for the reminder that some people are just miserable and judgmental.

        2. You don’t need to defend yourself to the terrible person who, as was pointed out above, seems to relish in being the first person to post insensitive responses to people (and then is also probably the person who later complains that people are trying to “tone police” her and that anyone who doesn’t like her horrible comments is being “too sensitive.” Right). All you have to do is feel sorry for that person, who probably has a very empty and sad life, and skip over the comment. That’s what I do, anyway.

          I am glad you were able to get the diagnosis for your daughter. I haven’t been through something similar, but have seen my son’s friends struggle with ADHD and struggle to get a diagnosis. You did the right thing for her and it will help her going forward. You did this at a great age – my son’s friends who are now 12 and 13 and just now diagnosed have lost valuable time and are having to catch up.

      4. I was diagnosed with ADHD around the same age and never once requested extra time on exams. Honestly, I hate feeding the troll but go f yourself.

        1. I have a daughter with ADHD. It manifests itself socially more than academically. She does not get any extra time and if I asked, the school would probably fight me on this unless/until she starting struggling academically and part of that might be needing to take tests in a quiet room (not necessarily getting more time).

          We have kids in our school who are blind — should they not be able to take tests in Braille?

          1. To clarify, I’m 100% supportive of extra time for people with learning disabilities where this provides an accommodation that puts them on a level playing field with peers. But the suggestion that all people with ADHD need more time and that time results in higher test scores is ridiculous.

            ADHD is real, it sucks, it requires so much more energy to get through my day than a neurotypical person, and still results in me feeling like sh!t for not being good enough to hold it all together. This troll sucks.

        2. Me too. I got extra time on tests for a physical disability and sitting through them for any longer than absolutely necessary was mentally painful. Extra time in exams is unhelpful for ADHD!

    2. How can she maintain high grades if her grades are either A’s or F’s? Something is off here….

      1. Surely the expectation is that she’ll stop getting F’s (now that she’s treated) and continue to get A’s?

        1. We can’t treat her with medication due to her size (we probably wouldn’t anyway until it was a last resort). We’re hoping that therapy and skill building groups as well as some modification in the classroom will get her to a point where the F’s aren’t as consistent. I don’t expect her to always get A’s but I’m hoping these fixes help her work up to her potential.

          I also hope this lays a strong enough groundwork that we can catch her if she starts slipping come middle and high school.

          1. I should have said support rather than treatment. In higher ed we call a lot of this “scaffolding”; it will help!

      2. I think the OP was saying her child would get high grades on tests and completed work, but get Fs for failing to turn in other projects completely.

      3. Sorry I did not elaborate. She would receive F’s on her homework grade (forgetting to turn in a majority of the work, even though we spent hours on it at home) low grades on her class participation (daydreaming or chatting), and she’d come home with F’s on random tests where she’d either leave a majority incomplete or misread the directions entirely.

        “Maintain High grades” = not averaging out at a level that was concerning to the teacher. She had been a straight A student until 3rd grade. In 3rd grade she’d get many A’s (especially in subjects with memorization: Spanish, spelling etc.) but the weekly F would cause her to average around a B- . This isn’t a high grade for her, but in a class of 26 students it was high enough for her to fly under the radar.

        1. I have a kid who:
          Forgets to bring work home
          forgets to get it out of backpacks
          loses it
          forgets to put it in backpack
          forgets to turn it in

          It is so aggravating when you know that they can do the actual work.

          1. It’s aggravating when she forgets to turn in work that she did on her own in an appropriate amount of time.

            It’s excruciatingly aggravating when she forgets to turn in work that you spent 2 hours helping her with (when all the other kids in her class spent <15 minutes) because she doesn't understand the directions, gets distracted by every noise inside and outside the house, and is rated below the 3rd percentile in flexible thinking.

      4. I had a longer reply, but it got lost after I posted.

        She gets F’s for not handing in work, leaving tests incomplete, and misunderstanding directions on assignments. She gets A’s in all subjects that require memorization (Spanish, spelling etc.) and had gotten straight A’s up until 3rd grade.

        She averages around a B, which is “high enough” in a class of 26 students not to stick out.

    3. I don’t think I saw this conversation, and I have no advice about a 504 plan, but thank you for doing this for your daughter! I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult, and it answered so many questions for me.

    4. Timely question! We just got a diagnosis of ADHD and a learning disability related to written expression for my 12 year old son. He started struggling in 4th grade and we suspected ADHD, but it took much longer than I had hoped to get a full diagnosis. He is also struggling with depression/anxiety. Good for you for persevering – I know how hard it can be when you’re sure something is wrong and others minimize the issues!

      This is particularly timely because we just met with the school this week to establish a 504 plan too. This is a new school for him, because he was out of the public school system for the last year and a half attending a private school. We called the school to ask about enrolling and setting up the plan, and they referred us to the appropriate counselor at the school. I’ve been very pleased that she was open, friendly, helpful and very knowledgeable. If you have a report from the diagnosing medical professional, I would get that to the school. We had a full write up from the testing and the psychologist, which included his recommendations for accommodations, and I think that really helped smooth the process. But it’s also clear that the school is accustomed to dealing with 504s and IEPs, so they’ve got a process in place and will hopefully be able to guide you as well.

      Here are some of the tactics and accommodations we discussed with the school counselor, in case they give you any ideas. One of ours is extra time on tests, as well as having test instructions read to him. He will be allowed to type as many things as possible, although that is related specifically to his learning disability. Preferential seating – front of the class, so there aren’t distractions between him and the teacher. And he will be provided with copies of notes from class, since taking appropriate notes is challenging for those with ADHD and/or his learning disability. She is going to help him set up his locker, then take a picture that is posted inside his locker so he knows where everything goes – she said she’s had good luck with that approach helping to keep things organized. She will also help him put together a list of classes and what he needs for each one, which will also live inside his locker. And she wants to make sure he finds an activity he enjoys at school, so that school is not just about academics for him. She is going to work on writing up the plan over the summer, and then we will meet with her and his teachers at the beginning of the school year to finalize it. The plan can be tweaked later in the school year, if necessary.

      I’m going to copy your reminder to check the test when done, because I think that would be very useful for him. He just wants it to be done, so he tends to rush through and then not go back and see that he skipped 5 questions entirely.

      One other thing she suggested that I really liked was to get him involved in tracking his reactions and feelings as we try to get his meds dialed in. If you are medicating, that may be a good way to give your daughter some ownership in the process and make her feel like she’s being heard. My son just had a rough week while we adjusted his mood meds and I’m not looking forward to the process of finding an ADHD med that is effective for him, so I plan on using this one.

      Best of luck to you! I have been surprised and pleased so far at how well it has gone with the school. I hope that your experience is similar.

      2. i get that we aren’t supposed to express contrary opinions, but…when does all of this end? I don’t have kids and I don’t have any experience with ADHD. so, as someone who is completely on the outside of all of this, I am shocked to hear that schools make all of these 504 accommodations. it is not the same as a blind child reading in braille at all–you are taking away from other kids. preferential seating, special instructions, everything else listed. the teacher can’t possible give this much attention to the kids with the special accommodations and the other kids. so the kids with the special accommodations end up getting a disproportionate amount of the teacher’s attention, at the expense of the other kids in class. and how long is this supposed to continue? what is the protocol for ADHD kids after elementary school? Special accommodations in high school, college? At work?

        1. You can definitely express contrary opinions, and yours is done in a respectful manner. I would have thought this too before having kids/ seeing the struggles my daughter was having. After speaking with the doctor my understanding is that most 504 accommodations for adhd are simple tasks that do not take too much time. Checking in during a test or re-reading instructions could take 30 seconds at most? Having say 3 out of the 26 kids always sit in the front of the class leaves plenty of other seats for kids to sit in the front of the class as well (and many actually prefer seats further back). When/ if a kid with adhd/ another disability does need accommodations beyond what the 504 can handle, they are put on an IEP where they get additional instruction, are pulled out of class etc. The goal of the 504 plan is to keep the child in class while that child is most likely working on executive functioning/ study skills outside of class in hopes of not needing any additional accommodations in the future.

          I was happy to get this diagnosis now for my daughter so that we could work on these skills at a younger age privately in hopes of her never needing an IEP (which means the school would be using additional resources). If this was caught at a later age I’m sure it would require much more in school help to get her back up to and keep her up to speed. There are children whose disabilities do require constant attention and accommodation and if we can get my daughter to a point where she can self-monitor and independently use the tools she will learn I will be ecstatic. I will not feel guilty for asking for help now because school is about preparing kids for the real world and this is what she needs to be prepared.

        2. Much of what is essential for those of us with ADHD (e.g., a distraction-free environment, timely reminders, daily planners, checklists, etc.) is helpful for everyone. And sometimes we serve as the “canaries in the coal mine” by reacting visibly to issues (e.g. distractions) that are negatively affecting everyone but to a lesser degree. “Universal design” is a keyword for reading more about this idea.

          I’m personally skeptical that schools can (let alone do) accommodate everyone. There are many things that are good for some students and bad for others, and schools make education more of a zero-sum game than it needs to be. It’s often possible for outliers who needed all kinds of accommodation at school to just find a good fit somewhere in the vastly less conformist real world. (As for remaining issues in the real world, I find writings about the “social model of disability” thought provoking.) I hope the future will see more diverse and individualized approaches to education.

          But school and the structure it provides is generally great for ADHD students, and many of the accommodations that ADHD students need to get through school are things that all students will eventually need to get through life as they gain independence and take on more responsibility for their personal organization.

        3. Actually, without some of these “special accommodations”, a lot of kids would just end up being the problem kids who struggle through school, disrupt class, hate being there, and try to make everyone else miserable too, instead of being actual productive, engaged, contributing members of the class. Most smart teachers would eventually figure out to put certain easily distracted kids in the front row anyway, this way they can know ahead of time and adjust without dealing with any of the disruptions in between. Some kids will always need more help than others, but giving kids the help they need shouldn’t mean other kids getting shortchanged.

    5. I don’t have a lot of advice for raising a kid with ADHD, but as someone who wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until last year at the age of 41, thank you for pursuing this for your daughter.

      1. My daughter has struggled in school for years. We all suspected ADHD. Daughter finally started meds in 5th grade. But she was not ready. Just taking the pill brought out massive anxiety. Fast forward to freshman year in high school. Daughter is still struggling. Teachers are noticing that she has a hard time focusing in class. There was so many missing assignments. Grades range from A to F depending on the class and day. The freshman teaching team does an intervention since she’s failing all her core classes. Daughter finally realizes that she cannot do this all by herself. We hire a math tutor. At the start of 2nd semester she starts meds. The change in her attitude and grades has been AMAZING! We are so proud of her. Daughter is actually looking forward to sophomore year. I would encourage everyone to help their child. We waited too long. I do feel as though are finally going in the right direction now.

        1. Thank you for this reply. I am planning on keeping a close eye out at the start of middle school and the start of high school because those transitions seem like they may be very hard. I am so glad everything is working out for your daughter!

          1. This has been very informative. I am facing all these problems with My 7 year old boy
            Forget to turn in his assignments
            Skips questions in tests
            Rarely re-check the answers
            Does subtraction for obvious addition questions
            Cannot focus and sit in one place for more than five minutes
            He gets 100 in a lot of tests and zero in others( not submitting on time , skipping 2 sheets, not putting his name in paper etc)

            I get at least an email from his home room teacher regarding his shabby work, constant chatting. Same if I go to PTA meetings. I now wonder if he has ADHD. My husband says these are what kids does. Should I talk to his Ped. about this?

  6. I’ve been soaking in a lot of the discussion here recently about mental health and have also read posts in the past regarding manipulative family members, partners, etc. What do you do when those two worlds collide? As in, my spiraling brother with a history of drug abuse and manipulative ways regarding money who clearly has mental health problems. He openly announces his depression and I know he has been on anti-depressants for years (which in everyone’s opinion don’t seem to be helping him very much as he has gone even further downhill over the past few years). He won’t see anyone except his general practitioner (who prescribed them) but instead continues the “poor me” attitude, takes prescription painkillers he doesn’t need, won’t let anyone help with the near hoarding situation at his house, has staged accidents for attention, and manipulates my mom into giving him money after begging her and guilt tripping her. My siblings and I have absolutely had it with his treatment of our mom. Intervention has been suggested although we have had sort of “family sit downs” which haven’t helped and no one is in the position to pay for a professional intervention. My dad hovers the line between addressing it and not being too “mean” because, well, he’s afraid of incidents such as those in the past week. Thoughts, past experiences? My dad calls me for advice and I honestly have none.

    1. To sum up, a question from my mom’s perspective: how does she stop enabling without feeling guilt and responsibility for him possibly hurting himself in the future?

      1. Would your mother shoot him and kill him quickly? If not, then stop helping him kill himself slowly. If you help someone kill themself slowly, then you should feel bad. Actually, since you force the family to watch, you hurt a lot of people. If you love someone (that person and the rest of the family), love them enough to stop hurting them. Call a spade a spade.

        Signed,
        An enabler’s kin who had a ringside seat to too much of this

    2. This is very, very rough. A classic example of someone who is undertreated, who needs aggressive therapy in addition to medications that is way beyond what a primary care doctor can manage and who may have a personality disorder as well.

      Does brother have a job? Health insurance? Housing?

      Can anyone simply call their primary care doctor, fill them in on what is happening and the damage to family (without asking for any info on the brother which a doctor cannot reveal), and ask if the primary card doctor can assess the situation when they are seen and consider encouraging psychiatry evaluation with therapy/CBT? Emphasize the substance use, hoarding, employment (in)stability, family breakdown.

      Family has to draw strict boundaries. It is very, very hard.

      1. I’m not sure that any doctor not in a small town where everyone is already up in everyone else’s business would entertain this.

        1. Where are the painkillers coming from? Is this doctor prescribing them? I suspect s/he would be interested in knowing that there is a suspicion that they are being abused.

          1. I think that many doctors don’t care.
            Many doctors won’t listen to gossip / family busybodies / troublemakers
            And can you ever actually get a doctor on the phone (much less someone else’s)?

        2. This is incorrect. I have done this myself for an elderly family member with mental illness, and for a sibling.

          A good doctor who is actively treating a medical problem (especially brittle mental illness) can find information from the family very useful. But if the family is crazy too and calling the doctor and wasting lots of their time, that is not good. You must be very brief and concise. And I always ask that they be discrete in not revealing my contact.

          The results were excellent for my family members. People will sometimes do what their doctors recommend, even though they refuse to consider it if their family recommends it, not surprisingly.

    3. Has anyone in your family participated in a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills workshop? I found this incredibly helpful at a time when a family member was struggling and not themselves ready to seek help.

      1. To say a little more, there were a lot of parents in the room. I remember some enabling moms and one very fed up dad. One of the things that was helpful is that people in the workshop voiced their objections to setting boundaries multiple times throughout the day, and so I heard the responses to those objections multiple times throughout the day. For me, this meant that even if my first thought was “I have to cave to this manipulative tactic because I have no other choice,” my next thought was one of the scripts (more or less) ingrained in my mind from the class. I guess if I were you, I’d be hauling my parents to a therapy group to try to get on the same page. The biggest thing I learned was that I was making everything worse by giving in. I was not even that hopeful that setting boundaries would make things better, but in my situation (even though I do believe my family member could have died), it improved the status quo much more quickly than I expected (and changed how I would have felt about that worst case scenario).

    4. In a similar situation I worked with a therapist to set boundaries with my family member. It’s tough to draw firm lines with someone you love so much, and someone who may have a reaction totally disproportionate to your actions. The therapist’s third person view of the situation was invaluable.

    5. This is my family situation with my brother exactly, down to how my parents are reacting. My solution, after years of intense pain and anxiety, was to remove myself from it entirely. This may not be right for you but it was for me. I don’t speak to him, ask about him, talk about him, offer help, etc. He’s an adult who makes bad choices, my parents are adults who make bad choices, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

      1. That is pretty much what I have resorted to, I don’t speak to him at all unless I have to see him in person at family functions. But we are all so sick of his manipulation of my mom, which mainly features him begging her for money so he doesn’t lose his house or to pay for medication that he actually does need.

        1. She should go to therapy for herself, so that she can learn the “he’s an adult who’s making bad decisions and I can’t control that” mantra for herself.

          1. I agree, she is convinced though that if she doesn’t give him money for medication that he does need, he will die. And she may not be wrong.

          2. That certainly may happen, but that’s not as a result of her decision making, it’s a result of his. Also, it may STILL happen even if she continues to enable him. There are no guarantees in life and he is the only one that fix this. She isn’t saving him by continuing to bail him out, she is just temporarily putting a gigantic band-aid on a huge seeping wound. I concur she should go to therapy on her own. Your dad too, honestly.

        2. The answer to, “how can she do this without feeling guilty” is, She can’t. She WILL feel guilty. The question for her is to learn how to identify being guilty over right and wrong things, and what to do with the powerful feelings.

        3. So what if he loses his house? That’s a consequence he’ll have to face if he won’t work or get his life together. That’s what an adult does.

          1. I think a question here is where does expecting someone to be an adult and take responsibility vs excusing behavior in the name of mental health coincide? In the other threads about mental health, the tone is much more sympathetic. But when we talk about manipulative family, it’s “toughen up and draw boundaries.” I feel for you, OP. This is a rough one.

    6. Your mom and dad need to sit down with a counselor who can help them not enable this behaviour.

      I would also suggest Al-Anon: you can attend meetings as a family member to learn how to cope and be constructive.

      They should also understand that the initial phase of setting boundaries is just brutal. But if you can get through that, things often improve.

      1. +1 to this. It sounds like he needs treatment for addiction in addition to depression (or whatever mental health issues he has). I think it is extremely common for people to self-medicate, but mental health treatment alone likely isn’t going to be enough if he is abusing painkillers. Treat this as an addict acting out.

        1. Al-Anon and counseling teach the non-addicts that things only improve once the addict acknowledges that s/he needs to change and then acts on it. No one expects addicts to be perfect, but whatever is going on can’t be fixed by the non-addict alone.

    7. My brother is mentally ill and sometimes abuses drugs. After my brother-in-law committed suicide, my attitude changed. I refused to go running everytime he had a problem that he created – I had beeen running to make sure he would not kill himself or get killed. Guess what? When he knew that I really wasn’t going to bail him out all the time, his behavior changed and he quit trying to manipulate me. But you have to accept that no matter what happens to him, it is not your fault.

  7. Anyone else sick of black? I’ve challenged myself to put away my black till fall and wear other colors. My remaining neutrals are navy and lighter gray and cream and a couple of bottom pieces in the color mm Lafleur used to call russet.

    I’m taking a lot of inspiration from the vivienne files.

    I do like the look of black in the summer and think it can be very chic, but I’m just trying to get out of my rut.

    Anyone want to join me?

    1. Me!!!

      I wore a lot of black when I was just out of school, broke, and needed to wear the same four skirts. At this point, I prefer grey, navy, taupe, and white.

    2. The secret is to do summer black. No heavy wools or flannel. Light fabrics. Something that wouldn’t make you hotter outside (black / white pattern = OK; black sleeved shirt in a non-breathable fabric = hell no). Black sunglasses. Black sandals. Black purse that is fun and somehow lightweight (performations, fun shape, etc.). Black crops in a lightweight fabric. And not too much black in an outfit!

      1. thanks? I think? I do understand about textures – I put away all of my heavy textured clothing a couple of months ago – I have lots of black silk and cotton and linen from previous summers. I’ve just decided not to wear it this summer…..

    3. Yup, I’m right with you! I also am moving to navy/white/grey with less black for the summer and my accents are burgundy/pinks and teal. I still wear a lot of black and white tops with my navy ankle pants and snakeskin flats. My black flats are away for the summer and I added grey and burgundy/deep pink suede flats.

    4. I am a bit sick of black, but it doesn’t show coffee spills. I’m sticking with it!

  8. I need some support on looking for a place to live. My lease is up in a month and I’m trying to buy a condo or townhouse. The real estate market here is nuts and decent places in my budget get offers sometimes 20% or more above asking price within 48 hours of being listed. I’ve been looking for a while (I know better than to start the buying process with only a month left) and have made several offers, but have been outbid or not fast enough each time. I knew the market was competitive, but this is on another level. I never expected to be in a situation where I have the financial aspects covered (sizable down payment and pre-approval), but just can’t get an offer accepted!

    1. I was in a similar boat (first time homebuyer, competitive seller’s market). My first two offers were over list with multiple offers – I didn’t get them. I’m convinced I was only successful on my 3rd offer (where I offered list and nothing above) because I was the only one (i have no idea why, it’s a cute house) who made an offer. That was earlier this spring.

      My brother has been looking in the same market and is having similar challenges. So – commiserations and good luck. Can you go month-to-month on your lease in the meantime?

    2. You realize we’re in year 9 of an expansion cycle right? Why buy now when a contraction has to start within a few years if not sooner? And yes every market contracts when that happens, even NYC, SF and DC.

      1. You realize that she has to have a place to live and also that you sound incredibly condescending, right?

      2. Not only that, but you are wrong on your facts. During the last recession, home prices in DC stayed flat but didn’t fall. I’m not so convinced that will happen again since the prices have risesso much over the past 10 years. But you are both an ass and wrong

      3. If you are buying a place you actually want to live in for at least 7 years or so, and don’t anticipate needing to sell in a hurry, you’ll probably be fine. I bought a house just before the last giant real estate crash, and a few years later sold it at a decent profit. There are a lot of people out there who have been waiting for years for things to cool down, and if they’d bought when they first started looking they’d have a tidy profit by now. Its one thing to try to game the market if you are just doing it for an investment, but if you actually want a place to live in you’re probably better off buying. (Especially because rents are goin crazy now too.)

    3. This has happened to me, to. One that that might (or may not!) help is writing a letter. I find them really cheesy, but is has worked for people I know.

  9. Same here. Train wreck addict brother with mental health issues. Lives in basement. Never held a job. Can’t drive. Sucked my parents dry for money. Now they are looking to me for help for a car – today. The car will mostly be used for as an addict taxi service to the methadone clinic. Parents are semi-retired. Now I have to choose helping my parents, paying off my own debt, helping my husband with his equally draining family, or paying for my own nearly grown children’s needs. I am the primary breadwinner, and so freakin tired of everyone’s bull crap.

    I shouldn’t have to pay literally and physically for decades of other people’s poor life choices. But here I am. Contemplating giving my “good car” (20 years old, 200k miles) to my parents and driving the gas guzzler backup. I have no idea how I’m going to haul my MIL to her doctors appointments a hundred miles way because is physically unable to get into the guzzler and she can’t drive.

    I just want to pack my own family into a car, drive away from this hell, and never look back.

    2. You all need to learn how to take care of yourselves. You and your husband need to save for retirement, pay down your debt, and tell your “nearly grown” children what you can and cannot pay for.

      Just stop. Seriously, just stop. Direct your paycheck into debt service, retirement, and actual needs. Then if you feel the need to help these grown adults, direct a limited and fixed (emphasis) amount of money on it – and that is determined by YOUR needs, not theirs.

      Just shut off the money spigot, tell them that your budget no longer allows this, and they need to help themselves.

      And get counseling. You need to learn techniques to not behave this way.

    3. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

      I feel your pain, I have a brother on this path and it is HARD. I maintain contact with him, but will not give him any assistance due to him abusing my/my family’s help in the past. I worry that he’ll end up homeless or dead, but I can’t fix his demons when he won’t help himself.

    4. How far away is the clinic? Would your brother be able to take an uber to the clinic? Your parents can request it for him, to have control over when and where.

    6. Agreed – Same remember Eleanor Roosevelt – no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I would (and have) noped myself out of this with my own family. To your parents – I would absolutely not give them your car to provide economic outpatient care to your brother. They have decided to become enablers and ironically your brother will probably not make progress until people stop enabling him.

      I would also consider setting hard limits with what you are willing to do for your husband’s family / MIL. I would set these boundaries and stick to them.

      You can opt out. These are adults of sound mind who have made choices they need to live with in my book.

  10. Tween M0m–if you’re still reading this, I just left you a long novel-esque reply on the morning thread.

    1. Not Tween Mom, but I really appreciated your post. I hope it makes it to the OP. Thank you.

  11. I need advice on whether or not to use a coworker as a reference. English is not her first language and she can be difficult to understand on the phone. Additionally, her writing has poor grammar and frequently lacks correct punctuation. That said, she’s extremely knowledgeable, good at her job and is well-respected in the professional community. I’ve worked closely with her on several projects, including one publication, and they have all been well-received so she’s probably the strongest non-supervisor reference I have. My concern is that a potential new employer might not be able to understand her very well, either verbally or on a written reference. Thoughts?

    1. Nope, dont use her. Bad spelling and grammar can put people off.
      Sounds like she isn’t your manager anyway, but a coworker. Find someone who managed you if possible.

  12. Does anyone here have experience moving from a more urban/dense area to a more rural one?

    Our neighborhood is rapidly going downhill safety-wise (let’s just leave it at: finding loaded guns and crack vials on the sidewalks has become a common occurrence; along with seeing the police scream through the neighborhood multiple times on a weekend night). It’s was a nice neighborhood when we moved in 15 years ago, but the nice older people who lived in the neighborhood when we bought our house have retired and moved away or died, and they’ve been replaced by renters who don’t seem to value the neighborhood much.

    So, we’re looking at moving and my husband, who loves the mountains, wants to move to an area about a half-hour away from where we are currently, that is about 15 minutes from where we both work, that is pretty rural. Lots of people we work with do this; there are carpools from the area we’re looking at to where we work. He’s been talking to people he works with who have made it seem like this is very doable. They have really talked up the quiet and safety of the little communities out there; people know their neighbors; schools are good, etc. We can get a lot of very nice house squarely within our house-buying budget if we move out of town; vs. staying in town where house prices in the better neighborhoods are well exceeding our budget.

    We loved our neighborhood for a long time because it is in the heart of the city and close to everything. Stores, movie theaters, shopping, parks, etc. are all within walking or short driving distance. We’re very used to that at this point. So moving to a place where the nearest grocery store is 20 minutes away is going to be a BIG change. I also like the mountains, but just don’t know about living in them…I also think that at this point, we may be “city people” and dealing with things like propane tanks, septic tanks, unpaved roads and living in a non-delivery-zone for GrubHub and Instacart might be too much for us.

    Any advice from folks who have been there?

    1. Sort of. My parents moved from RHONJ New Jersey to out by the Delaware Water Gap. It’s really lovely and has a great small-town feel. You just get used to it. Make sure you can handle rural winters though — lots of folks own an old pickup just to put a snowplow on.

    2. Are you moving to a suburb? I can’t picture where something as urban as you describe has a truly rural area a mere 30 min away? 30 min from my urban home still has all the amenities you describe and the offset of having to drive to the grocery store is easy parking for hauling larger loads and therefore less frequent trips. And if I’m reading correctly it’ll be a 15 min commute to work?! Most intra-city commutes are not even that short. This is not to question the accuracy of your statements but to point out that you seem to be really painting this rural area (suburb) like you’re moving to the sticks and really trying to talk yourself out of it when it actually sounds like a lot of people’s dream scenario – near he city! Near the mountains! Short commute! Suburbs aren’t for everyone and it’s cool if it’s not your cup of tea but maybe there is a middle ground area you and your husband can agree on – like literally somewhere 15 min outside of urban neighborhood and 15 min to mountain?

      1. I’m picturing something like (aside from the “going downhill” part) Cincinnati Ohio; Tulsa, OK; maybe one side of Denver; and, because people define “urban” differently, Billings, Montana.

      2. We have truly rural areas 30 minutes away from my city (it goes from city to country fast if you go in the right direction). But you’re still only 30 minutes away from a city. No, you can’t pop by the grocery store in 5 minutes, but by the same token, it’s only 30 minutes from city amenities. I think it just depends on your tolerance for time spent driving.

      3. This. Generally the distance between GrubHub and Instacart zones, and places with unpaved roads, is more than a 30 minute drive.

      4. If you’re from the East Coast, cities out west usually are very much like suburbs on the east coast. My east coast suburb is way more densely populated than western big cities.

    3. Here are my thoughts: you aren’t going to stay in a neighborhood with drugs and guns, so just go ahead and move. You can try it out for a few years. If you love it, great. If you don’t, move again. We often in life make things into “permanent” decisions when they needn’t be. (Case in point: I once had to convince a younger cousin that it was perfectly ok to move from the East Coast to the West Coast for a year or two to try it out. You only live once! It’s ok to try new things, including, in your case, living in the country!)

      PS – you’ll learn to do all your grocery shopping on Sundays ;)

      1. This is good advice. If we hate rural life we can always move again. It’s just that it’s taken us more years than it should to make this move – my husband hates change – and so I’m worried if we make the move, and *I* don’t like it, we may end up stuck there longer than I want to be. But I also realize I’m anticipating the worst-case scenario there.

      1. LOL at you thinking you’re witty. Have another couple glasses of wine and try again, sweetie.

  13. Reading between the lines, it sounds like your husband wants to do this, and you’re the one who is either not sure or doesn’t want to? So, first, of course, big communication.

    But second …no, of course this wouldn’t be too much for you. Might it be a challenge? yes. a change? yes. Require a change of lifestyle and maybe priorities? Yes. But it could also lead to a great new life season. You’ve already lived the one you’re doing now; why not try a new one? There will be others ahead, as well, when this one is finished.

    1. Yes! Try a new one! and then if you don’t like it, try another or go back to the city. It doesn’t have to be forever! You may love it!

    2. Thanks for both these replies. I actually feel excited when I look at houses where he wants to go and realize we could go hiking or have a picnic in the woods just by walking out our back door, rather than driving into the woods. Both of you made great points. I think my husband isn’t the only one who gets anxious about change. :-)

  14. Is it appropriate to ask, before applying for a job, if there is potential for the listed salary to increase? The job posting says “Minimum starting salary: $____.”, and it’s a 3-year contract position. Can I email or call them and ask if there is potential for salary increases during the 3-year period, or is this inappropriate? I also have a couple other questions that I want to ask about benefits, so I’m going to contact them no matter what. Thanks!

      2. +2

        Read Ask A Manager for more on this topic – I think the issue of someone wanting clarification before applying came up fairly recently and she made some good points.

  15. Thanks everyone, I’m so glad I asked here! Pretty sure baked beans and coleslaw will be crowd pleasers. But there’s so much more I didn’t even know about: helmet ice cream! Crackerjacks are a real thing! Learn something every day ;)

  16. This is a rant. Today on the metro there was a bachelor party of maybe 8 guys as I went home from work around 10pm. They had been drinking and were carrying around some shopping basket of stuff like a sash, sunglasses – dress up stuff. Two guys from this group came up to me (I was standing with my back to the double doors) and pulled out a red pushup bra from the basket. One asked me if it was my size. I looked him directly in the eye, stood my ground, did not look at the bra, and said ‘no’ as firmly and icily as I could. It was a clear ‘please back off now or I will end you’ no. One guy backed away, but the other guy holding the bra then HELD IT UP TO MY CHEST (without touching me) and said ‘are you sure?’. I then put up both hands in front of me (between us) and just said ‘NO.’ again, still looking him in the eye and holding my ground. He turned around and walked away and they all got off (the train was pulling into a station as this happened). NO ONE else on the train car said anything or intervened. Neither did his buddies.
    I had a super productive day at work. I have what is close to my dream job in my field. I am well educated. And I HATE that in public, I am just a woman, and therefore harass-able. I hate it.

    1. OMG I am so sorry this happened to you. That’s totally not OK. You handled it beautifully and I applaud you.

    2. I am so sorry this happened to you.

      And remember, although this “looked” personal (people were talking to you about your chest), it has nothing to do with you nor your worth. It is a reflection on them and their complete lack of human decency.

    3. I am so sorry, and I offer support for whatever it’s worth. Harassment of women in public is a huge issue, and I don’t know any solution. You stood your ground well, but I know from experience that that doesn’t make it any less terrible of an experience.

    4. Nice job. You handled that much better than I would!!

      Reward yourself with something awesome this weekend. You are awesome!!

    5. Grr. I am so mad on your behalf. We are with you sister!
      +1 to go do something awesome this weekend.

    6. Few years back, I was approached by a drunken guy on a metro, who started saying weird things to me. I was tired and I was not willing to exercise my patience on him, noone around seemed bothered to step in, so….. I shouted him down so properly, that he was crying when he left the train on the next stop. I nearly never shout at people, but I was really tired and angry with him. It never happened to me again and I hope he never did it again either.

  17. I’m a teacher and I agree with the poster above. You will provide the paperwork to school and they’ll follow whatever established process is in place to create the 504 and determine the accomodations.

    Typical accomodations for students with 504s for ADD/ADHD include extended time, alternate test settings, preferential seating and frequent check-ins. Some of my students have access to standing desks. In my experience, the initial 504 is usually pretty generic and after the teachers see how the students respond to accomodations they’ll make suggestions to tweak or add/remove items. This usually happens at the annual meeting to review the 504, but sometimes occurs mid-year depending on student progress.

    It sounds like the 504 will go into effect next year. Don’t hesitate to reach out to the teacher to see how it’s going and establish a partnership. Home-school communication is critical, especially if homework or organization have been ongoing issues. But also know that it may take time to see the effects of the accomodations. I’d recommend initial contact around the third week of school and then, if things seem to be going well, follow up in early/mid November. (Obviously if your child is still struggling, check back in sooner.)

  18. I just started seeing a new therapist in the past couple of months. I have only seen her twice, since she seems to only want to schedule me once every 2-3 weeks, which I don’t really like. I checked out some other options and the only ones who take my insurance want to set me up with someone about 30 (and I’m pushing 40).

    Anyway, this woman doesn’t seem to have any advice for me thus far except to write down three things every day to do at home and just work on those (I’ve been having trouble managing my time there). She also thinks I should go on disability and not work “right now”. Thing is, I have had a long term illness, am not getting younger, and have been supported by my family and I really need to get back out there. Things were so much worse for me and I just feel so bad about myself after seeing her like she has no hope that I’m even capable of doing anything with my life. I think she just sees an unattractive middle aged person who has put up with a lot of abuse (because of it) and has had a lot of health problems and I should just sit home on welfare for the rest of my life. It makes me feel like pursuing plastic surgery. Which I have before, but the surgeons always tell me to seek therapy “to be okay with myself”. I feel like I’m surrounded by morons. I am trying to get help and I don’t know what to do. I feel too old now for plastic surgery to even benefit me. I just don’t know what to do. Should I just give up on therapy and try to start my own business? To try to live life on my own terms?

    This sounds crazy, I know. This is why I hate therapy. It always makes me feel worse about myself. But my life is going nowhere. What’s even left of it. Anyone else feel anything like this? Again, totally crazy. Can’t even articulate my feelings properly. Everyone is all “Oh therapy is so great”. Therapy is crap.

    1. You probably are surrounded by morons. One, dump this therapist because she’s not useful. Find another. Two, if you want plastic surgery, you can get it without them making you feel stupid. It will take time to find the right doctor. Three, yeah, you should do something awesome with your life regardless.

    3. Do not get plastic surgery. It won’t change anything you’re struggling with.

      Do not start a business right now.

      Go back to this therapist and listen to her. She’s getting you started on the small, simple, daily steps that you need in order to get your life stabilized and get back to work, which is going to get you stabilized not to have your family support you. It seems you default to global solutions like starting a business or getting surgery. LISTEN TO HER. DO THOSE STEPS. Then go back and see her and tell her that you succeeded in them this week. A lot of life is about doing the daily steps.

      1. +1. Do the tasks and start seeing the results of pulling things together yourself. Then you can work on executing on longer term plans.

    4. Can you share these thoughts and feelings with the therapist? A good therapist can help you work through obstacles to a successful therapeutic relationship (or at least help assess whether it’s likely to work out). It’s my policy to give a therapist a fair chance before moving on, and I think part of being fair is letting the therapist know what you are having difficulty with.

      But there are better and worse therapists, and, in my experience, some handle long-term illness particularly poorly. If you end up needing to switch, I wouldn’t personally use age as a proxy for what you are really looking for in a therapist. Think about what that is and look for that.

    5. I’m not a therapist, but here goes:

      You need to find a therapist you click with. Try the 30 year olds, because this one isn’t approaching things in a way that works for you. Even if she’s doing the right stuff (I have no idea on that), you don’t think she respects you.

      The abuse. Abuse is evil. One of the many evil parts of it is the way it sets people up for more abuse. (Want part of the story of my life?) Even when they aren’t being abused by terrible people, abuse victims snuggle to carry themselves in a way that commands respect.

      Plastic surgery isn’t going to fix that. It might be a life coach, a friend, or a therapist who does, but your life will get a lot better and easier when you learn to present yourself as a wonderful, strong woman who is inherently worthy of respect. (You are, by the way.)

      I think the 30 year olds could be good at this, because they are the age at which they are fighting to get people to take them seriously. But if that’s not what works for you, it doesn’t work for you. But you owe it to yourself to find something that does work for you.

      Check in here, please. Even if there are setbacks, check in here. You need a cheering squad.

      Now, for me personally: I am a few years younger than you are. After many years of physical, psychological, and sometimes s-xual abuse, it is very hard for me to not… snivel and grovel. It’s brutal how bad people seem to sniff me out and work so hard to cut me down.

      The things that help are to remember that I am who I am, regardless of what certain ash-holes might want me to be, and everything they try to beat out of me is what I need to be doing when I interact with people. It’s HARD, but my abusers inadvertently give me roadmaps.

    6. Maybe her advice is terrible, but you may as well write down three things and work on them every day for a few months. Then you can say that you did actually give it a try and it was unhelpful.

    7. i think therapy is hard. i am not sure people say that very frequently here, because the people who talk about therapy are usually the ones who have gotten through to the other side. therapy is not crap but it is hard. i agree with the others here. i think you should do what she is asking you to do. you might not see how it will help just yet. give it time and work with her.

  19. How do you handle working out before work or at lunch? I am a hot sweaty mess for at least 20 minutes and my makeup looks streaky and crappy! Help.

    2. I can’t do lunch. It takes at least 20 minutes for my face to return to a reasonable shade of pink (rather than bright red). And I sweat. Not profusely, but too much to make a quick turnaround. I used to work out at 6am for a 9am start at work. I went home, showered, ate, sometimes even napped, before ultimately getting dressed and leaving. Don’t think I could comfortably do a workout on the way to work. Definitely couldn’t return to work without a shower. I’ve always been baffled by that, but realize people are different.

    3. After a workout, I need a 30 minute span for my body to cool off, and then a shower and fresh hair and makeup. This means I can’t work out immediately before work or during lunch.

      I’m sure there are people who heat up less and cool off faster, or who sweat less. If you’re one of those, you could find a way to make it work. If you’re like me, you may not be able to find a way to make it work.

      Note: This is working out in warmer months. In the winter, it’s not so bad.

    4. I just do it, shower and don’t care if I have wet hair or a red face… usually it’s fine. Sometimes I have a call right after with other coworkers/bosses, but really? Don’t care.

    5. I wake up super early (5.30) for morning workouts – this allows me to cool down, take a cold shower, wash my hair and still get to work early. I sweat moderately, but mostly on my face and my hair gets ruined, so my only options are either what I described or to work out after business hours.

      1. +1 to a cold shower – it’s the fastest way to bring your core body temp down. If you can’t stomach that, at least rinse your hair in the coldest water you can right before you get out.

        Towel dry your hair as much as possible to avoid using they blow dryer longer than needed.

  20. Can someone who is in the cyber security field have the ability to hack a personal computer just for kicks? I think this has been done to me.

    1. Of course. They know all of the trick’s! I remember that when I was dateing my ex, he was abel to put something on my iPhone that let him see everything I was doeing on my phone from his iPhone. I did not know how to get rid of this so I went to the Apple store after I broke up with him and they told me I could either “wipe my phone” or trade it in for a new phone. I decided that if I wiped my phone, I would have to reaload everything on the phone, which was already over a year old. I decided to get rid of the old phone, like I did my ex, and start completely fresh with a new iPhone 6S+ with a lot of memory. It is now time for a replacement, but I have gone through a whole Apple iPhone product life without a boyfriend! FOOEY! With my next new iPhone, I want a new boyfriend, but this one will want to do more then drink and have s-x with me. I hope I can have both! YAY!!!!

  21. Has anyone had luck dyeing a garment? I bought a great white sheath dress from Target (!) a couple years ago that I would like to dye burgundy. It is 65% cotton, 35% synthetic. Should I attempt to do it myself, or can a dry cleaner or tailor do it for me?

    1. I have dyed some items, and would say you have a 50/50 chance with 65% cotton. How attached are you to this dress if it doesn’t come out? In my experience, thick seams on part-synthetics take forever to take up dye and sometimes never do (read DYI tips online and make sure everything is WET before dyeing). If there is embroidery or other 100% synthetic thread outfacing it will stay white, so make sure you are OK with that even if the rest turns out. You can have the dress professionally dyed for around $50-100. In my experience this is only worth it with expensive custom garments, but usually comes out great. I would advise against dyeing in the washing machine. Just use a bowl or a pot, you don’t want to find out that the burgundy dye is stuck in crevices next time you do your whites. You can also do a lighter version of your desired color first (dilute the dye bath) to be able to call it good if results aren’t coming out like you wanted if the color were darker. Lastly, I’ve never had a dyed item come out with that crisp look that new clothes have. They always look a touch worn after the process even after a good iron. And, obviously, make sure the dress is not dry-clean only because you’ll be machine washing it.

      http://thismamamakesstuff.com/2008/09/diy-dyeing/

  22. I bought chicken at TJ’s on Monday and cooked it last night. Sell by date was Friday. Is it ok? I’m a recovering vegetarian.

    2. Yes. Sell by means sell by, not use by. I mean I wouldn’t use it three weeks after the sell by date because it’s not really normal to keep uncooked chicken in your fridge that long. But a few days is certainly fine.

    4. Of course it is OK, unless you did not put in in the fridge for days before you cook them, which would be dumb. My cleaneing lady buys and cooks chicken for me all the time, and I have her go ONLEY to WHOLE FOODS, where the chickens are all natural, not filled with hormones and antiboiotics. She makes them the next day and I eat them within a day or 2, and they are always good. If you are at all worried, just smell them b/f cookeing them. If they smell old, do NOT cook them. Return them to the store. FOOEY on bad chicken!

  23. How can you tell the difference between postpartum anxiety and normal stress associated with the transition of a new baby? Our 2nd is 6 months old, and I still regularly feel overwhelmed and not in control of my emotions, my schedule, my job, my house, & even my body (still exclusively nursing/pumping). I had a similarly difficult time adjusting after our 3 yo was born but attributed it largely to her 4 mo bout of colic and the demands of my BigLaw job. Now, I just feel like I’m plainly not good at this. Everything, and everyone, is constantly crawling under my skin and I’m not accomplishing anything at home. Work is more productive but also generally stressful separate and apart from any personal issues. I LOVE being a mom and have a wonderful spouse. I just feel like all my nerves and emotions are exposed all the time and extremely stressed out. I guess I’m just looking for some perspective, especially from those with 2 kids under school age.

    1. This sounds totally normal but why not see a therapist? A good therapist can help you navigate a stressful time even if it isn’t PPD.

    2. The last time I felt this way, it was hormonal (specifically, a side effect of the bc I was on). No one told me the pill could have these effects, so it took a few months to figure it out. They initially assumed it was psychological, so based on your symptoms, I’d assume it could be either psychological or hormonal, and I’d see a doctor to start sorting it out!

  24. You have a three year old, a biglaw job with its own stress, and a 6-month old baby? That’s a LOT of stress and competing demands. I’d say feeling overwhelmed and like you’re not accomplishing anything is about normal.

    Yes, do see some people who can help you sort this out. But take this into account as well: if you’re in Biglaw as a lawyer (I assume?), then you’ve had a lot of success in life — school, grades, jobs, etc. You may just now be hitting one of the first life stretches where you can’t hit the mark and achieve the way you’d like. If so…it’s NORMAL to feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Give yourself lots of space to be average. Or even subpar. : )

  25. I was at a wedding yesterday where my boyfriend came out of the men’s room with a handful of condoms. He said the groom wanted to make sure his friends were prepared for anything at the wedding.

  26. And he was. We used 2 last nite, but after we got home, not at the reception!?. How thoughtul an idea was that?

    1. I think the wedding party was just trying to prevent unwanted pregnancies which happens. I’ve been to more then a few weddings in DC and in NYC where the bride and the groom are not the onley ones going at it during the reception. When I was in DC, more then a few people paired off and left the wedding reception on M Street, and went down to the toe path in Georgetown near the Potomac river and had s-x in the bushes right by the River! FOOEY! Their clotheing was ruined when they did this. I would NEVER have s-x anywhere outside, let alone on a dirty toe path where peeople walk their dogs and their dogs make poopie! DOUBEL FOOEY!

      1. Why? It’s not any more explicit than any other “gardening” post, and helps normalize safe sex. More condoms at weddings! And everywhere else!

        1. I would bet that the OP did not actually attend a wedding this weekend and is just being gross for its own sake.

          2. Because, genius, we don’t need to know how many times the OP did it after the wedding. (Besides, why wouldn’t an established couple have their own BC?)

            Sorry you can’t see the trolling.

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