Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Knife Pleat Skirt

300 Comments

1. the late thread on non alcoholic wine reminded me to ask – has anyone tried imitation spirits recently? Ritual has piqued my curiosity. Where most m-cktails fail with me is sweetness (I like a real bite to a drink) and they claim to be a good imitation… any non-influencer reviews from the hive?

   1. Can’t speak to N/A spirits, but Athletic’s N/A beers and Lagunitas IPNA are all very, very good.

      1. I could easily go the rest of my life without another beer… the perfect gin and tonic, though? Much harder than I’d like – hence the question :)

         1. When I was pregnant I went to a bar in Austin that made the most amazing non-alcoholic drinks. There was one with just tonic and fresh rosemary and i am sure something else that I still crave. I think you can probably recreate similar things at home. I often do fancy bitters and seltzer or something along those lines. I think anything pre-made is going to lean heavily on sugar (whether it tastes sweet or not) and the stuff that doesn’t just doesn’t feel that fresh, for lack of a better descriptor.

            1. If it was in Austin it may have included a Liber and Co syrup (if you want to hunt for a missing ingredient).

   2. I’ve tried the hard liquors (terrible), wine (terrible) and only thing that is comparable, good, and who knows the difference is Heineken zero (I think that’s the name of their nonalcoholic beer).

      1. I vastly prefer Heineken Zero to their alcoholic beer!!

      2. I don’t drink at all any more after the horrible I had with Alan, who prefered the bottle to me, and believe me I do not miss it at all. I probably cleaned up more vomit than most women do with their babies poop, because my ex was nothing more than an oversize drunk baby who did not hesitate to satisfy himself with whatever he could get his greasy hands on, before he turned to me before he passed out. Women should dismiss any potential mate who has any kind of issue with the bottle, because it just is not worth it! FOOEY!

   3. Not personally, but my parents have tried several and said they’re pretty terrible.

      1. I tried Ghia and it was kind of weird and gross. I’m planning to explore more simple syrup infusions plus bitters plus seltzer plus citrus – for me I’m missing the bubbles/acid/botanical flavor from a good cocktail and not the alcohol as much.

   4. I’ve tried Seedlip and it’s fine. Many of my pregnant friends seem to enjoy it. Personally, I’d prefer to just make a really good mixed drink that doesn’t require any imitation alcohol.

      1. I always found ginger beer to give a good depth of flavor in mocktails that was otherwise missing.

   5. I used to have a subscription to Curious Elixirs. I thought they were pricey, but delicious. My favorites were the No. 2 and the No 4. It looks like they have more options now, and I’m tempted yet again! The downside is that they’re complete cocktails, not a particular non-alcoholic spirit.

   6. No, but shrubs are really good for mixers! NYT has one that uses citrus, clove, and bay leaf that’s really nice. I find shrubs to have more complexity than the ingredients in most mocktails. Very refreshing.

      1. +1 to shrubs. I even got my parents into them by adding a bit of fruit vinegar shrubs to seltzer water.

      2. I haven’t ever used shrubs. Would they be good added to sparkling water?

         1. That’s all I add to them, and concur, shrubs are amazing and hit the special drink note better than any fake liquor.

            1. Good to know!

            2. Thirding this. I buy premixed shrubs from Liber and Shivelight and add to sparkling water.

   7. I like ginger flavored seltzer, lime juice, and an herby simple syrup.

   8. Thanks all- glad I did not spend the $$$ on Ritual! Will experiment with bitters etc instead :)

   9. Late to this, sorry. My 27-y-o quit drinking a year ago. I gave them a bottle of Seedlip and they didn’t love it. More recently, they tried a bottle of the Ritual NA rum and said it made a good dark and stormy (mixed with ginger beer and lime juice). At a super bowl party my would-be mixologist friend made a good cocktail with it that involved blood orange juice and some kind of bitters and I don’t know what else.

   10. Have tried the three different Seedlips, Rumish and Ginish, and have a couple of «liqueurs» lined up for testing.

       I like all the Seedlips, but they have very different flavor profiles and work for different things. I’ll comment back with a couple of tips.

       Have also tried the sparkling tea based non-alcoholic bubblies, and that’s lovely but doesn’t taste of wine per se.

       1. The Seedlip spice is great for GT, gives a peppery flavor.

          The garden one goes best with very botanical flavors, so cocktails with cucumber, basil or something that contrasts well with botanicals like pineapple or almond.

          The grove goes well with ginger beer, if I remember correctly, and works well for Moscow/London mule.

          For a dry and refreshing non-alcoholic I’d also recommend sparkling water with lime or cucumber with some dashes of an interesting bitter, like celery or cucumber bitter.

   11. We like seedlip spice 94 aromatic!

   12. My husband loved the non alcoholic beers in Germany and Austria. I think one of them was Gosser.

2. I feel like cobalt and black is very 2010. It’s a very pretty skirt though.

   1. I feel like it would look more fresh and less blocky if the top were a mix of cobalt, black, and white, or a white/cobalt print. Like one thing relates to the next and kind of knits the outfit together.

   2. this whole look seems very early 2010’s tbh – I wore a lot of A-line knit skirts back then! I don’t miss the dry cleaning bills from pressing all those pleats.

      1. I wore a version of this skirt in the late 80s, in that it had a similar silhouette, but it wasn’t actually the same or styled the same way. I think embracing new versions of classic silhouettes is a great idea, not some weird flashback to be avoided. I really like the current fabrication and boot styling, but think the moto is a bit played out. A short bomber would feel more current to me.

         1. The longer pleated skirt + boots is a very 80s silhouette. If the color combo above was brown boots with a brown tweed pleated skirt and a mauve sweater, we’d be back in 1986 again.

            1. I just rewatched The Americans and would be here for it, but in a more “winter” color palette.

            2. No, the 80s boots worn with skirts were different, more vinyl hair band than these. The slouchy boots were the short elven looking ones worn with stirrup pants….

            3. LOL, I was alive during this time and remember the fashion.

         2. Agreed. Not to mention I have reached the age where I would not have any clothes if I avoided every silhouette I have worn before. This specific styling would not suit my body (tucked in is not my best look) but I think it looks stylish and put together rather than dated, especially for winter.

   3. This style of skirt is instant parochial-school vibes to me. Doesn’t matter how expensive it is, I see knee socks and backpacks.

   4. That color is absolutely gorgeous, but agree re: above on this feeling dated to me.

   5. Whether it’s in or not, this length of skirt and black tights is my favorite – I can do absolutely anything without fear of wardrobe malfunction, but it doesn’t get in the way.
      I love this blue.

      1. Then you are going to be really happy with the next few seasons, as brights including cobalt are back.

   6. I would have absolutely died for this skirt in 1988.

      Did you know dry cleaners charge per pleat? I do, now. I had no business paying that kind of money right out of college like that, but I did!

      1. Oh, I remember that as well! The current set of skirts are mostly machine washable polyester. They are supposedly washable, but I have not had the nerve to try one.

3. There was a great conversation on Friday about the importance of building influence skills rather than being a worker bee for career advancement, especially at more senior levels. Does anyone have any tips for learning influence (book recommendations, exercises, framing, etc)? I’m not at a level where working with a coach makes sense yet (or is affordable) but I’d love to improve at this. I’ve been in the worker bee camp for too long already.

   1. Oldie but a goodie- how to win friends and influence people. Seems like the most basic tips but have done a lot for me in my career so far. And very easy/approachable compared to some leadership books.

      1. So you know going in: I found this book already assumed you knew your goals and who you wanted to influence, which wasn’t the case for me. I had to totally relearn goal formulation from “what can I do with my team” to “what can I orchestrate” (interestingly, the goals get less specific, because you’re planning further out and thus there’s a lot more unknown). So it didn’t quite scratch this itch for me. I benefited from a huge amount of mentoring but perhaps the books below would be better!

   2. Is there a local professional organization for your industry/career that you can join? I’ve found some of the most helpful tips from small group classes/mentoring by a professional organization that I’ve joined (and the networking is how I got my last 2 roles as these things are usually done via an internal ‘whisper network’ of do you know who’s looking/I’m looking for a change).
      Otherwise, you might want to search for ‘executive presence’ coaching – I saw that some business schools are offering short courses on this and influence. To be frank, it felt VERY weird and uncomfortable for me to do this (to take control of meetings, set an agenda and suggest a direction and then solicit feedback vs. waiting for more senior folks to do so) but it’s been fantastic for my career.

   3. I like the book The Secret Handshake by Kathleen Kelley Reardon as well as Herminia Ibarra’s books (Specifically Act Like a Leader, Think Like a Leader.”

      1. CHL – thanks for those recommendations! I just ordered The Secret Handshake and saved Act Like A Leader…at the beginning of the year I noticed my bookshelf of leadership books in my office were all written by men, which was infuriating, so now I’m only buying books written by women.

   4. I find, now that I’m relatively senior in my org, and spend a lot of time negotiating with people, that really listening to other people wins you influence. People want to be heard, and FEEL heard, and it’s a skill very few people have. Worker bees do what it takes to make themselves look good; leaders make other people feel they matter.

      1. The feel heard part is the most important IMO/IME. Even if you can’t give them what they are asking for, the value of truly listening and acknowledging what you have heard before offering an answer to the ask is vital.

         1. How do you make someone feel heard? Would love any resources/recommendations to learn more!

            1. Small tips: Use the person’s words back to them. If someone is telling me a story and repeatedly says “my kid” (vs. my son or my child), I will refer to “their kid” in the conversation, (e.g., “I know it important for you to pick up your kid on time.”) Also, I like to acknowledge the feeling they are expressing (e.g., “That is frustrating.”)

            2. I lean on some of the Gottman stuff. Adapted for work of course. I also try to never interrupt (unless they are way out of line), I ask lots of questions, I repeat back a summary of what they are saying to me so they know I actually heard what they are saying, and as much as possible, I try to incorporate even a little bit of what they want into whatever the solution I can offer is. I also thank people for participating/engaging/questioning/etc., say I understand where they are coming from/what their perspective is, and make sure when I can’t get them what they want, I explain why without making excuses for it.

            3. You ask questions. You listen for what they aren’t saying. To illustrate how a worker bee might approach something, versus a “listener”, in a workplace example: let’s say you’ve been asked to put together some analysis that seems stupid and obvious to you. A worker bee would buckle down and do the work, because that’s the task in front of them. A listener might ask – “I see you’re asking me for this [stupid analysis because of xx business problem]. . . what are your concerns with the question giving rise to the analysis? How can we address them?” and then stop talking. Which approach do you think is more valuable to the higher-up? Which do you think makes you look more strategic?

            4. Longer answer coming, but this can be as easy as saying, “tell me more about. . . whatever the topic is”. Then listen.

            5. The Gottmans were on a recent S x with Emily podcast that might be useful, even though it’s directed at couples communication.

            6. Sometimes, I paraphrase using “What I am hearing you say is . . . ” and try to summarize what I think I hear them say.

               I’m a teacher (K – 8) and I use this phrase a lot when I am trying to get to the bottom of something.

   5. Crucial Conversations is a classic book and I found it really helpful. I should probably go back and re-read it because it’s been a while.

4. To the OP of this weekend’s “worker bee” post, thank you for starting that discussion. As a fellow Asian-American and former BigLaw associate, it made me think about a lot of things, and if anyone wants to continue the conversation, please reach out at aapirette at the email google provides.

   I left BigLaw as a mid-level and now have spent the last several years in-house. I enjoyed my associate years in BigLaw because it had clear expectations. Met your hours? Great, here’s your bonus. Rinse and repeat until I moved in-house. After a string of amazing in-house bosses (who were strong advocates), I had a couple of less-than-stellar managers where I learned how to phone it in, do the bare minimum required, and say no to difficult things that no one wanted to do so it was presented to me as a “great opportunity.” Thankfully, I switched companies during the pandemic and have a manager who is fantastic. 

   Career-wise, there was definitely a point in time where I thought I’d want to pursue the GC route (I was in the “zone” at work and had great mentors, etc within the old company), but after seeing the ugly backstabbing culture within that legal department, learning how to phone it in was a blessing in disguise. I learned how to simply say what needed to be heard in a pleasant manner, whether or not I believed it to be true. By embracing the lack of a future there, it resulted in a lot less pressure and responsibility (because I stopped caring and just said no to whatever I didn’t want to do, or if a political dance needed to be played to show that I cared, I would simply keep asking questions to deflect time-intensive, politically stressful but non-impactful work from landing on my desk). In the darkest days of that job, I learned to focus on non-work parts of life, realized what was important, and ultimately landed a role in a much better company. 

   Current employer is definitely a unicorn. Our general counsel is a WOC, and the legal department has more women than men in leadership roles. My immediate manager is someone who I respect both as a boss & as a person, I actually want to do a good job again, and I work remotely with a good WLB.   

   Pre-pandemic, I defined myself by my career. The past two years have seen a complete 180 in myself, and I relish how my “worker bee” role lets me enjoy my actual life. On weekdays, I turn on my laptop in the morning, jump on projects as soon as they come in to finish my part of the pie as quickly as I can, and turn off my laptop before SO comes home so the evenings are ours to Netflix, dinner, and chill. My low-stress WFH role plays a huge part in that sense of peacefulness, and I am very grateful for that. 

   FWIW, I’m a bit over a decade out of law school. Monetarily, while I will never land on any Forbes list, the legal profession has afforded me luxuries that I could only dream of growing up and has exceeded my expectations. I am definitely interested in learning more about the GC route at this company, but since moving up the career ladder would likely mean a move to a VHCOL city, I sleep well at night/made my peace with knowing that if I’ve peaked career wise, so be it. Happy to continue the discussion at aapirette at the email google provides.

   1. Not the OP but this is super helpful to me as an Asian (soo-to-be American) lawyer. Thank you! I often feel like a bull in the china store when it comes to office politics. I may look into the executive coaching online program suggested above as well!

   2. I really appreciate this perspective. Thanks for sharing.

   3. Love this. I’m also Asian American and a senior associate still in Biglaw and sort of at a loss for next steps. Really appreciate the perspective.

   4. I also really appreciate your perspective. I am about a year removed from leaving Big Law, which like you, I also enjoyed. I’m now in-house fairly high within the legal department at a good company and have a great manager, but for a variety of reasons, it would take a lot of luck, timing, etc. for me to move into a very senior legal role here. I am a couple years behind you in experience, but at times, I have still have a hard time coming to terms with being content that I landed in a good spot, I would be okay if I have already peaked career wise, etc. I know it’s a shift (especially after Big Law) that takes time–after all, I’ve been climbing the academic/career ladder my whole life–but I have hope hearing stories like yours that I’ll get there one day too. Right now, I just feel ungrateful when I miss Big Law because I know lots of people would love to have my job, which is not great from an emotional perspective. Thank you!

   5. High achiever who defined myself by my career prior to the pandemic chiming in to say thanks for this… saving for posterity.

5. Recommendations please for your favorite vacation travel bag…I am replacing a long used Vera Bradley soft fabric Large Travel Duffle. Would like something more sophisticated, can be leather or fabric with more utility such as internal pockets or sections. This is a bag I will use more for driving trips vs air travel.

   1. It’s not super sophisticated but I love my EastPak for compartments. I have the backpack and it’s so nice for air travel and car travel. I don’t like to lug something over one shoulder though.

   2. I am a huge, huge fan of Lesportsac – lightweight, functional, indestructible. In addition to the prints there are always a few varieties of solid black. A large leather weekender would be too heavy for me, even carrying for short distances.

      1. I concur. DH has a leather weekender (received as a gift) and while it’s lovely, I hate carrying that thing. So cumbersome.

         1. +1 leather is heavy. I switch from my leather bags to lighter weight bags for traveling.

      2. You can usually find a couple at TJMaxx/Marshalls, too.

   3. Recommend against leather. It’s heavy. And kind of a late 90’s finance bro status symbol.

      1. OP here…thank you and leather is out – great advice from all. Looking for some more brands….Cuyana, Lo and Sons, LL Bean even…..what bag do you like and why?

         1. Look at Herschel – I received one as a gift and it seems nice but I haven’t used it much.

            1. I love my Herschel bag for travel. I’ve had women come up to me at the airport asking where I got the bag.

            2. Wow, these Herschels are cool. I love this Herschel Novel Duffle and also the Novel Tech Duffle. Which one do you like?

   4. Lo & Sons Catalina bags work well for me.

   5. I really like the Lo and Sons Catalina. The ‘tote’ size is plenty big for 2 nights, and I really like the separate bottom section which is padded – I usually stick my hairdryer/shoes/laptop in it on the way out and then dirty clothes on the way home. I also appreciate that I can wash it (which I’ve done many times) with no issues. I have it in green and it’s suitably unisex enough for my husband to be willing to use it (as opposed to my Longchamp).

   6. Suggest checking out Beis. I recently got a weekender from there in cream (canvas with faux leather detailing), and I really like it. Lots of compartments and it fit under the seat on my flight. And I got a lot of compliments on it during my trip.

      1. I was going to suggest this. I love my Beis mini weekender.

      2. Beis looks lovely and the weekender seems very nice. Looking for large duffle please for a week long trip

   7. LeSportsac is my recommendation as well. I love them. They hold up well. Not much weight. Easy to wash. Last years. Tons of designs. Easy to find on sale.

   8. Cuyana weekender bag. I broke the strap by overloading it and they sent me a new one, no questions asked. Even re-monogrammed it.

      1. +1. I bought a Cuyana wrrkender bag about a month ago and used it last week, very happy with it. I like having the two side pockets to more easily find things while traveling.

6. Has anyone tried on IRL Aerie’s tennis skorts and workout wear? I am used to Athleta, but need to size up my sports clothes and an looking for alternatives for less. But if they are really short or ride up, I’ll just bite the bullet for Athleta.

   1. Can’t speak to the tennis skorts, but their sports bras and high waist crossover leggings are my favorite for low impact workouts. The quality is great for the price.

   2. I have like 8 pairs of Goals biker shorts from Aerie. They’re great for weight training, HIIT and Spinning.

   3. Check out Women’s Active Athletic Skirt Sports Golf Tennis Running Pockets Skort at the river site. They run a bit large with a long rise, and don’t ride up.

7. My fully vaccinated and boosted family is headed to Burbank for a Thursday-Sunday trip in May. Our primary goal is for my husband to go to a couple of Dodgers’ games. We will have one free day and I’m trying to figure out if its worth actually trying to do a day at Universal or Disneyland or if there’s something else cool that my 10 year old will appreciate.

   1. One day at Disneyland is great! Get the fastpass (maxpass?) on your phone for $10 extra per ticket to really maximize the ride time.

   2. I went to CA at 10 and remember Universal much better than Disneyland. I would ask your kid which they prefer. But both are great one-day activities.

   3. i think either one. it is a know your kid situation as to whether you think they’d prefer universal or disney

   4. We did this exact trip a couple of years ago when my kids were about 7 and 9. Universal was fabulous, and we all had a blast at Harry Potter world. Another highlight for everyone was the Griffith Observatory. Such a fun museum and beautiful views!

   5. We’re doing a similar trip for spring break with my kids, 9 and 11. If you have to pick one, consider your fandoms: you have Star Wars at DL, Avengers Campus at California Adventure, and Harry Potter at Universal Hollywood. The studio tour is the big draw at Universal Hollywood that you can’t really replicate in Florida or elsewhere.
      We’re doing a whale watching cruise too – less expensive but was always the highlight of my childhood trips to southern CA – double check you’re still in season though.

   6. If you want to splash out a bucketload of money, the VIP Experience at Universal Studios is just fantastic. It’s small-group guided tour that lets you skip the line on the good rides, go backstage to some really great places including actual working sets of current productions, and includes lunch in the commissary. It costs a fortune but I did it some years ago with teens and we all loved it.

   7. Alternate, much cheaper but still incredibly cool rec: The Petersen Automotive Museum. It is really, really cool, and they do offer a tour of their entire archive (tons of cool cars from olden times) as well as the general admission. I loved it. I am not a car nut. Just incredibly cool.

      1. Yes!! Definitely do the archive tour!!

8. I was diagnosed with CFS/ME several years ago. It’s “mild” enough for me to keep on working but still enough to impact on all aspects of my life. I’ve heard many stories of people who shook it off on 9-12 months but partially due to bad medical advice in the early stages, I’ve not managed to do that myself and now I’m several years in. These should be my prime years in life and work yet I’m stuck on the sidelines watching life move on past without me.

   I was wondering if anyone had any experience or advice. Any stories of miraculous recoveries after 5 years will be gratefully received *wink*. Doctors where I am have run various tests over the years and effectively said there isn’t really anything I can do. The medical options here aren’t great and as I’m still able to do a desk job and so not medically incapable of work there is no help or treatment available.

   1. I have CF and Fibromyalgia for many years. The one thing that made the biggest difference for me was leaving a high stress job. I didn’t leave because of the CF and Fibro, but left that job and took a job that was one step down in title and pay because I just wanted more work life balance. I realized after about a year or so how much better I was feeling, particularly the flu-like achiness. It still comes and goes but I can now go months without feeling like that versus feeling crappy every single day.

   2. I bet there are things your doctors haven’t tried. Weekly B12 injections? (Note that it really doesn’t matter if B12 is low or not, since it’s for CFS, not B12 deficiency.) Low dose naltrexone? Mestinon (pyridistogmine bromide)?

      Antivirals if there’s EBV reactivation?

      Nystatin tablets if there are any signs of candidiasis (e.g., thrush)?

      1. There are also early indicators that physical therapy or body work may be able to help some people if there’s a structural issue that can be improved in this way. This line of thinking is so new that I don’t know how to find someone knowledgeable, except maybe by looking for an EDS-knowledgeable PT (since EDS patients are more prone to the kinds of structural issues that are sometimes involved in ME/CFS like CCI and tethered cord or occult tethered cord). Basically I’m not sure what to think of this yet, but I’d like to try it.

   3. Different condition, similar life impact but my mom firmly subscribes to the never let your tank go below a third theory. In other words, she never lets herself go on empty (so to speak) because working her way back from empty always takes so much more work. I’m sure you’ve already figured this out, but I know that theory of life really spoke to her and figuring out how to manage, so sharing here.

      1. That is a good way to look at it. I don’t have CF, I have RA, and I think I need to follow your mom’s advice more mindfully.

      2. Good advice from your mum. My doctor said “do one third of what you think you can do”.

   4. Thanks for these. I’ll look into these recommendations.

   5. CFS – I wonder if you’ve tried going gluten-free? I have celiac, so somewhat different but I experienced a distinct change in brain fog and activity and energy after eliminating gluten. It’s not fun to be gluten free but it would be worth a try. You’d have to do it pretty strictly for 4-6 weeks to see if it makes a difference.

      Also second low-dose naltrexone.

      1. The Autoimmune Protocol diet helps me but I know that’s not the case for everyone. Worth looking into.

   6. Ok, this is my area of expertise. If it is truely Myalgic Encephalomyelitis then you are in it for the long haul: less than 5% chance of recovery (figures from a systematic review of many studies). CFS is a wastebasket diagnosis (so many things cause idopathic chronic fatigue) so read the International Consensus Criteria Primer for Medical Practitioners on Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and you’ll know if you meet the criteria.

      Read Byron Hyde’s book Missed Diagnosis to help you find solutions if it’s not ME. 60% of people (Australian study) diagnosed with CFS/ME do not meet the criteria for ME.

      Try the elimination diets, check for mould exposures and get as much rest as you can. Don’t be like me and push through and end up needing a wheelchair and carers.

      Low dose naltrexone, ampligen, mestinon, antivirals, cannabis and low dose tricyclics may help. Supplements like B12 (subcutaneous or IV or sublingual) help me a lot, a good multi vitamin, Co enzyme q10, omega 3 and 6. Look at symptomatic relief.

      Watch out for quacks as they prey on our hope.

      Look into long term disability insurance etc and keep good records.

      Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but wishing you all the best.

9. Just checking one more time- any tips for Scottsdale? Restaurants, things to do, shopping?

   1. Food isn’t great there, but Maestros and Steak 44 are good for a meal if you’re not vegetarian. There’s a giant mall, best thing to do is book a spa appointment and spend the day at one of their resorts.

   2. Lots of hiking trails, golf, old town Scottsdale for restaurants and bars….

   3. It’s so long since I’ve been that all I can really say is that I’m jealous. Maybe check Design Sponge’s guide to Phoenix?

   4. We are big Scottsdale fans! We’ve stayed at the Four Seasons (highly recommend, maybe my favorite resort anywhere, but very far north in the mountains and consistently 5-10 degrees cooler than downtown), the Andaz (recommend if you want to be closer to downtown), and Hotel Valley Ho (I was NOT a fan). I’ve also heard wonderful things about the Sanctuary and Boulders.

      Restaurants – I disagree with the comment above that food isn’t great. We’ve had consistently great meals at Fox Restaurant Concepts establishments (especially The Henry and Olive & Ivy). I also highly recommend Citizen Public House – get the bacon popcorn and sit at the bar for cocktails before dinner. Also highly recommend getting to Pizzeria Bianco (in downtown Phoenix across from the children’s museum) right when it opens for lunch – my NJ native husband swears it is the best pizza in the US, and coming from him, that really means something. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Hillstone/Houston’s – they’re in a few locations around the US but they are reliably excellent. The Houston’s is right across the street from the Andaz I mentioned above.

      Things to do – if you’re there during spring training and at the very least mildly interested in baseball, do that. We’ve done a Dbacks game at Chase Field and that was really fun, too, and parking seems oddly easy for a pro sports event. We’ve loved Top Golf (it’s everywhere now, but wasn’t when we started going). Desert Botanical Garden is always a good stop if you haven’t been there before. If you happen to be traveling with children, the Phoenix Children’s Museum is wonderful, as is the McCormick railroad park. It’s been a while since I’ve visited but Taliesin West is a great stop, too, even if you’re not an architecture fan. Hiking is great if that’s your thing – nice trails around Camelback, and a relatively easy one at Pinnacle Peak which is right next to the Four Seasons resort I mentioned above. For shopping, either Old Town Scottsdale (and stop at the Sugar Bowl, it’s cute!) or Fashion Square mall – there’s a lot there, but it’s not much different from the upscale malls around me.

      Lastly, it’s not too far of a drive to Sedona and you could easily make a day trip out of it – if you go, I’d say eat at the Wildflower Bread Company there, which has the world’s greatest restaurant patio (it’s like a Panera but way better). We rented a Jeep Wrangler and drove up Schnebly Hill Road ourselves, but my husband went by himself last year and said that it’s become much more difficult and even he isn’t comfortable driving up there, so maybe do a pink jeep tour. There is also an amazing slide rock area where you can basically do this giant slip-n-slide thing – I haven’t been but would love to go sometime.

      1. Lol I’m staying at the valley Ho

         1. Ah! I will say that it is a legit gorgeous hotel but when I was there it was pool party central (insanely loud DJ and people running through the halls at 2am and all) and decidedly not my vibe. That may have changed, or maybe it’s even what you were hoping for! It just wasn’t for us.

      2. +1 to a day trip to Sedona

      3. Also thank you this is so helpful!

      4. Oh I once had a great meal at Olive & Ivy – the patio is really nice. I saw a woman there with a tiny, white, one-eyed Chihuahua that she carried in a baby sling. I think about her all the time.

      5. Yes to all of this. Also Fairmont Scottsdale Princess is lovely.

   5. It’s in PHX, but Desert Botanical Garden. I love that place. It should be magical and not too hot over the next few months.

   6. 100% recommend the Desert Botanical Garden. I used to ride my bike along the canal to Scottsdale on the weekend, and I always enjoyed brunch at Prep + Pastry (they have a duck and cherry hash I liked, and their scones were good), going to the farmer’s market (amazing oranges there in the winter, plus great fresh veggies, prepared foods, and things like essential oils), and sticking my nose in the Merchantile of Scottsdale, which is on the corner of 1st and Brown and is just a big space with popup stalls for little artisans. The artisans changed every week or so. Depending on what time of year you go, in fall/spring the Uptown Farmers Market at Central and Bethany Home is twice the size of the Scottsdale market, and also has lots of art. There’s a stall called Sonoran Scavengers at both the Scottsdale and Uptown markets that sells cool desert ingredients they collect themselves, like mesquite flour and prickly pear powder, if you want to jazz up your baked goods or whatever.

      Taliesen West is also worth a visit, and then of course there’s the hiking. Camelback is great but very crowded. Piestewa Peak, just west of Camelback in Phoenix Mountains Preserve, is *amazing* at sunset (hike up in the late afternoon, watch the sun set from the top, then hike down in the dusk, and you only need a flashlight for the last 20 minutes), or you can hike at Dreamy Draw in the Phoenix Mountains Preserve if you want flatter/easier terrain.

10. Anyone else who has lost their mojo in regards to multitasking and being busy during the pandemic, how are you working to restore your ability? I don’t have time to indulge in the slower pace my brain is demanding these days–I can dial back for a few days to recharge, but permanently downshifting isn’t an option. I have a demanding job and chronically ill parents, I can’t be dropping balls. Yet I feel like my brain is in slow motion.

    1. I don’t know if multitasking is ever effective? But I wonder if there is a way to block your time a bit to deal with interruptions distractions? I block out my low energy periods to blast through annoying, time-consuming, but low brain power tasks. I have a good system for keeping track of to dos, and make good use of delay send, templates, and snooze in Outlook to make email easier.

       1. Yes. I refuse to multitask because it’s wildly ineffective and causes me to do more work in the end. I make a list and prioritize and work in that order. If things need to be reprioritized, then I do that. I block off calendar time, have all popul notifications turned off, and focus on ine task at a time. It makes me VERY efficient and quick at my tasks. That said, everything may not get done every day but that’s okay because it’s just not possible and my health and sanity is more important.

    2. What balls are you dropping, and is there a system you can put into place to address those specific issues without requiring yourself to multitask or work at inhuman speed?

       Also, your brain might be telling you something—that the speed at which you used to try to live wasn’t sustainable, that you’re worn out/depressed, etc. It could be any number of things, but if possible, don’t try to steamroll yourself back into a former way of operating without understanding what’s going on now.

    3. I’m sorry. The situation is very tough.

       I don’t think I ever had any ability to multitask, and sure way these days to destroy my ability to do anything is to ask me to do everything. These days I am trying to accept I am at a low pandemic ebb, and credit myself for every microtask done.

       From your description the options are (unfortunately?) (1) do fewer things well (2) do all the things worse (3) outsource if you have the money. I’ve really been trying to go for (1) and (3) these days myself but trying to make peace with (2) when there is no other option.

    4. Get lots of sleep and as much time outdoors as you can — even just walking to a further away coffee shop can help.

11. I will be transitioning to an office work environment after working in university settings for years. I have always used a backpack to carry my laptop–the current one is a Samsonite one I have had for years but will likely replace because of the colors, a mix of gray and red. I plan to get a new backpack in a neutral color like black or grey or dark navy(is this a neutral?). Recommendations welcome. For ladies who carry a work backpack do you also carry a handbag? The ideal for me would be to have just one bag, but I tried that in the past and actually found it more practical to have a handbag which holds my wallet and other personal effects that I can carry if going out to lunch etc.

    1. My advice is the same whether you use a backpack or shoulder tote- tuck a wristlet or slim crossbody inside your bag for this purpose.

    2. No, I have downsized my wallet to what is essentially a little coin purse. That and my phone fit in my coat or blazer pocket (or in my hand) without any problems. I’m carrying a backpack and a gym bag already, I don’t want to add anything else.

       1. +1. I just have a little card sleeve that my wife made.

       2. My full time wallet is a card case (fits 2 credit cards, license, transit card, and a $20). I just carry that with my 2 phones and badge and it fits fine in pockets/my hands.

       3. This is my new wallet and I love it. And look! It’s on sale! https://surprise.katespade.com/products/chelsea-cardcase-lanyard/196021022883.html?

    3. I have the Tumi Carson in navy nylon and like it. I used to have a similar Victorinox nylon backpack in black and would recommend that as well. I definitely consider navy a neutral. I love navy generally but I think black held up better (even though navy is dark, it shows scratches more than black) and was just generally easier to manage. Whenever I need to replace, I’m definitely switching back to black.

       I don’t carry a separate bag. I usually just bring my phone and wallet with me if I’m going to grab lunch, or better yet just my phone if Apple Pay is accepted! If I was going out to a nice restaurant for a work meal, I might consider bringing a small leather crossbody, but that is very rare.

    4. I use a tumi laptop backpack for work. My shoulders would not survive a day of a shoulder bag. My phone case holds money and credit cards, which is what I take to lunch, etc.

    5. I have the Lo and Sons Rowledge and the Lo and Sons Hanover and I really like both of them. The Rowledge is nicer, the Hanover more utilitarian. Both in black. I do not carry a handbag but I have a small purse I keep at work to take out at lunch- all it fits is my phone (with cards) + pill case and a very slim book if I want to but usually it’s just phone and pills.

    6. I got a Nordace backpack for the holidays. I love it. The back pocket fits my oversized work laptop, there are tons of small pockets in the front, a hidden pocket near my back, etc. includes a charger. I look young so worried a bit about that but honestly stopped caring because it is so easy. I fly all the time and it is a perfect bag for a couple changes of clothes (lightweight), laptop and a couple work notepads. I couldn’t afford Tumi so this $80 option worked for me

12. Long shot – any recommendations for a cosmetic dentist in Houston?

    1. BRSH Dental with Dr. Tjoa at Kirby and Westheimer.

       1. You are my GIRL. That is also like three minutes from my house!

    2. Craig Mabrito

    3. Koenig Center for Cosmetic Dentistry (near Holcomb and Greenbriar)

13. Any recs for a beach/pool bag? Used for vacations and summer pool with the kids. Big enough for towel, book, snacks, etc. But not too huge that it’s hard to carry and hold on to wriggly kids. Easy to clean. Would also take it on the plane as my purse to the vacation destination. Thanks!

    1. LL Bean. I have an extra large and a large and alternate. Easy to clean. Lasts for years.

    2. I like Scout bags for the beach b/c the sand sticks to them less and you can wipe clean. I like the ones with tons of pockets for sunscreen, etc. LLBean would be OK for our pool and for travel, but I don’t like to get mine sandy. Scout also makes small coolers / lunch bags that would also be good for the beach (vs our pool has a snack shack and ice).

       I like a long-handled smaller zip top LLBean bag as a purse but IMO that is too small to be helpful as a beach / pool bag. I feel like you could easily justify having them in all of the sizes.

       1. +1 to Scout bags

       2. Which Scout bag do you have? There seems to be a dizzying array of options. I don’t need a bag large enough to hold a small toddler, but I would like decent space for towels. Family of 4.

          1. IMO you could get a giant bag just for towels. And then a small pocketed one for organizing the tons of stuff and pool toys and snacks and sunscreen. Pocket rocket perhaps for the pocketed one? The 4 boys is just a giant box that I don’t think has pockets. There is one with 4 outside pockets that is also good with a good amount of storage.

          2. The Scout bags I like are the 4 Boys Bag and the BJ Bag.

             1. BJ was what I was thinking of. Pocket rocket is probably too small.

    3. Scout seems to be the go to brand for this kind of bag for the pool.

14. Lovely skirt. However, when the cleaners charge per pleat… Next!

15. In the last 5 years, I’ve become more aware of the waste I produce, and I am continuing to take incremental steps to reduce my trash. People on this board have provided suggestions I find helpful. Food packaging is the area I’m working on right now. I’m stuck about what to do with items such as plastic yogurt containers. I don’t buy the individual serving sizes, but the larger sizes and they’re still big plastic containers to dispose of a few times per week (and I don’t kid myself that plastic recycling is taking care of it).
    Also, for people who are like me and trying to reduce waste, do you not get takeout? We only get takeout once or twice per month, but I’m always stunned at the amount of trash we have when we do. Again, is there another solution? Takeout is a huge treat for me and provides variety in our diets; I don’t want to give it up, but the trash is a lot.

    1. Dine in?

       I know, pandemic pandemic, but we have our shots and our area’s spike is well past its prime. My kids eat every day inside at school and we’ve planned to resume indoor dining perhaps weekly or at a hockey game starting next month.

       1. I’ve been dining in since I was vaccinated a year ago and no Covid yet….

          1. I’ve been limited. One kid was too young to get vaccinated until Novemberish? And our schools shut down for 18 months, so I desperately did not want to upset the apple cart for my kids. I figure, I would not bring risk to them. So maybe I’d to a very high-happiness meal monthly, but not randomly. I missed friends + restaurant for lunch so much. I’m a social animal, too, it turns out.

    2. we channel our inner Depression-era grandmothers and reuse those plastic tubs! They are perfect for freezing tomato-based stuff that stains whatever it touches. Eventually they wear out and we then recycle, but it means we’re not buying plastic baggies or tupperware.

       1. +1. The only downside is that once I took a tub of sour cream to work instead of my lunch. That was a long shift.

          1. I’ve been there.

    3. The only solution I know of for yogurt is making your own, and I do not do that.

    4. I face this conundrum also. A partial solution is that pizza boxes can go in my city’s organic waste collection, and will be composted. Unfortunately, that doesn’t solve the issue of the containers from Indian and Thai. Dining in is an option sometimes, and I have gotten better at planning ahead, and bringing my own plastic container to take home the leftovers instead of getting a takeout box.

       1. We basically only get Indian and Thai takeout because that’s what we love. Maybe I need to start making the choice of either eating restaurant food in a restaurant or eating home food at home and stop trying to get my perfect combination of resturant food while in my pjs on the couch at home. I generally remember to take my own container to restaurants for leftovers.

          1. I don’t know, I am pretty concerned about the environment, but I think the occasional takeaway is fine from that perspective. You’d likely buy more groceries to cook meals, which also come in plastic (and are packaged much smaller than the 20 lbs bag of rice that the restaurant gets). Don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good here.

             1. Thank you for that reminder!
                I’m working on incremental improvements and have made many. I’d like to keep making more as I’m able. Perhaps because we only do takeout fewer than 25 times per year, I should let that one go.

             2. Always decline the plasticware. You have to be very aggressive about it and willing to reach into the bag and pull it out, but it makes a pretty big difference when you consider how many sets they put in there.

    5. For things like yogurt tubs, I use them to store my cut, prepped veggies or fruit. I don’t think there’s really a way to get around the takeout waste unless you’re dining in – for takeout it’s either a lot of packaging so crispy things stay crispy and noodles don’t get overcooked, etc or the restaurants obviously aren’t going to be using reusable containers for different customers.

       Threadjack but has anyone thought of doing a “no-delivery March” or something like that? I guess for me it’d also be like a financial fast, since I’ve definitely gotten too used to delivery of frivolous items.

    6. I’ve seen more and more biodegradable takeout containers lately. So I think restaurants are working on this.

    7. I have the Oster Greek Yogurt maker and it’s so easy. I follow the recipe included in the package except I microwave the milk instead of cooking it on the stove because I’m lazy. I get my milk in refillable glass bottles from my grocery store to reduce plastic waste from that. You do have to buy a small container of plain yogurt that you like every 3rd batch or so but it’s a lot less plastic waste than a large container every week. There are cultures you can have shipped to you but I haven’t dug into that yet.

       1. The refillable milk bottles are the part of this that seems to be the actual resource reduction here. Where are you that this is available?

          1. Whole Foods has this option in NY

          2. Harris Teeter!

       2. Thank you! I will look into this.

       3. I have a Cuisinart yogurt maker that’s awesome (it chills once it’s finished with the cycle, in case you aren’t home to transfer it to the fridge right away). My mom also makes yogurt in her Instant Pot and says it works well.

       4. I make yogurt in the InstantPot. Super easy and hands off.

    8. Lots of restaurants will give you take out in your own container if you ask. Obviously requires you picking up, doesn’t work for delivery. However zero- waste really is limited in terms of environmental gains you as an individual can make. Getting a vegan takeout wrapped in plastic will have a lower carbon footprint than getting a meat takeout in a reusable container.

    9. This might not appeal at all but I hate the tubs and so we make our own yoghurt. It’s cheaper and tastes incredible. It’s idiot proof in the Instant Pot. I use the “This Old Gal” cold start recipe with Fairlife.

       1. Do you not still have milk jugs though?

    10. I make my own yogurt sometimes – or more accurately in waves. I’ll do it for a month, and then stop, and then back on again. I’ve tried several different methods. The one I like the most is the slowcooker method, I let it sit overnight – check out the BBC good food recipe.

16. I’m confused by yesterday afternoon’s post re being invited over for a boss’s house for dinner. Aren’t those sort of connections (or the lack thereof) what holds women / POC back in the workplace? No one invites you, your relationships are shallower, you don’t get prosed to be on the in-team b/c you’re a good worker but no one has a deeper connection with you, that sort of thing? And then (especially now), when are “work” interactions are so fleeting, is any connection too much? Meeting for lunch? Meeting as a team? Going to happy hour? I get that sometimes, throwing liquor into a group brings out its worst. But as someone who learned to golf hoping that someone would invite me to be in their foursome, I am really curious how we are to break out of the generic worker bee box now that it’s 2022 and everyone is working remotely. Also, if client relationships are at the big boss to big client boss level, do you ever include junior team people? Or the two older guys just hang out at their club together?

    1. This discussion makes me want to scream “Get off my lawn” at a lot of younger people (and other things at their parents) so I am going to abstain.

    2. Yes. Agree 100%. When someone gets invited into the club, they should graciously go and (pretend to) have fun.

17. I’m 35, no kids, never thought I’d get married/live with someone. I’ve dated a guy long distance for two years. We are a flight or very long drive apart. He asked me to move in with him. I’m thinking I would consider a 2-3 weeks there, 1-2 weeks at my place kind of arrangement. (We both own businesses, our business partners approve of the relationship and distance, but neither of us feels right about 100% moving right now). He owns a large house, I rent an apartment. Is this crazy? I think if it goes well, I will look for another job in his state and sell my shares in my current company. But I am not ready to go “all in” and move 100%/work remote.

    1. I think that give what you’ve got going, dude ought to outright propose considering what you are potentially giving up by merely living together.

    2. Why don’t you try spending 3 out of 4 weeks at his place every month and see how you both feel about it. Being engaged is nice but whether you have a ring or not, going from long distance to living together is a huge adjustment. I like my own space and time to myself so even when my bf spends all weekend at my apartment I get a little irritated.

    3. I think what you are proposing is entirely reasonable. See how it goes and then negotiate the next step.

    4. Before doing anything, I’d have a long talk and make sure you are on the same page about everything. Key items I’d want certainly on:
       1. You are on the same page about what loving into together means, and have the same expectations about future steps. One of you can’t see this as a “see how it goes” while the other sees this on a clearly path to marriage.
       2. You moving to him is the optimal option – I’d explore him moving to your area thoroughly before deciding; this will also say a lot about his willingness to change/be inconvenienced that you’d want to know before changing your life for this guy.
       3. You are aligned on how money would work – assuming the best option is you moving to him and giving up your business, how would that look financially while you find another job? Also talk finances in general if you haven’t already (easy to not do that when you are LD) so you are confident you have compatible financial habits and goals.

       Once all that is settled, I think visiting for longer periods is the right way to approach things, so you can acclimate both to the area and to living together.

    5. I don’t think I’d ever say it won’t work because no one knows but you, but make sure that you’re both giving up something – right now it sounds like you’re giving up everything, potentially even your company ! – so he can just continue being comfortable where he is. Why is this all on you?

       1. +1 on this. Also, if you’re not both moving heaven and earth to be together, I’d really be cautious about uprooting your life.

    6. I was long distance and when I moved halfway across the country to be closer, i purposely got my own place. I then spent a loose week on/off at his. This was critical and I’m glad we did that before moving in full-time together (we now live together!). I think your plan sounds great.

18. I’m confused by yesterday afternoon’s post re being invited over for a boss’s house for dinner. Aren’t those sort of connections (or the lack thereof) what holds women / POC back in the workplace? No one invites you, your relationships are shallower, you don’t get prosed to be on the in-team b/c you’re a good worker but no one has a deeper connection with you, that sort of thing? And then (especially now), when are “work” interactions are so fleeting, is any connection too much? Meeting for lunch? Meeting as a team? Going to happy hour? I get that sometimes, throwing liquor into a group brings out its worst. But as someone who learned to golf hoping that someone would invite me to be in their foursome, I am really curious how we are to break out of the generic worker bee box now that it’s 2022 and everyone is working remotely. Also, if client relationships are at the big boss to big client boss level, do you ever include junior team people? Or the two older guys just hang out at their club together? ?

    1. I was the OP for that. The part that bothers me about it is that the invitation is on the weekend and requires the presence of a significant other.

       My own company is fantastic about morale and mentoring and all that, but they are very careful to do those things during or immediately following work hours (team dinner at a restaurant at 6 on a weeknight, etc). My firm puts its effort into employees during the work day. They’re great about bringing juniors in when appropriate for client dinners, etc. The only event my company hosts that involves employee families is an annual MLB game where you get to bring your family for free and enjoy free concessions, which is genuinely fun – no arm-twisting required, ya know?

       My husband’s company has at least quarterly events where my presence is…encouraged. It feels very Mad Men, quite anachronistic. And they’re almost always on the weekend. Company softball games, fall festivals, walk-a-thons, etc. After I posted yesterday, DH told me last night that WE need/have to host the next dinner for a different group of department heads. I love to host, so that’s not the problem – my problem is dragging all these people together in the name of firm unity or career building or whatever the point of this is. Like look, if you want to increase morale or mentor your employees, great. Just do it on company time, not on employees’ time. If you want firm families to have a chance to meet, great, but do it once or twice a year. But I don’t need or want my precious weekends to have to be scheduled around my husband’s employer’s idea of fun or career building or whatever all these activities are supposed to be about. To me, the biggest way you show you care about your employees’ work-life balance is not a bouncy house at a Saturday fall festival that no one asked for, but to respect employees’ family time by not intruding on it.

       1. I would be stressed AF if I had to take my spouse to work events in this fashion. I am a buttoned-up desk jockey married to a long-haired musician-slash-artist. Like it or not, I would absolutely get judged negatively for his appearance. (And to be blunt, my salary band is more of a “can I make rent and tuck away something for retirement” level, rather than a “is this job philosophically correct in all aspects” level.)

          1. Honestly, I would love to meet him (and so would my spouse, former bass player who is suffering from hearing loss so will just smile and nod at these things). He sounds fun! And at least he has hair!

          2. Hi that’s my husband too! Although he plays guitar (and bass, and drums, and keys). People love meeting him but he doesn’t really like going.

             On the other hand whereas I’m like ho, hum another business buffet meal he’s like wow , can I go back for seconds? Did you see the desserts? This wine is great! And he reminds me to be grateful for things I take for granted.

          3. My husband looks very buttoned-down but he is a supergeek computer programmer and relating to other humans is just really not his thing. He can fake it pretty effectively for about thirty minutes. After that he goes into introvert overload, and also just runs out of small talk. Events like “dinner at the boss’ house” are painful for him (and me, to an extent) because when he runs out of “so how about this weather we’re having” types of questions, he kind of disengages. He’ll respond to questions but not really generate new conversations, and to some people it comes across as he is standoffish or upset. And he’s neither, he just isn’t a people person and doesn’t really know what to say.

             For these reasons, I agree that “dinner at the boss’ house” feels very Mad Men/anachronistic to me. It puts the spouses of employees in awkward situations and blends personal life and professional life together in a weird way. Now that we know that not everyone is an extrovert, can we agree that putting people in forced social situations for hours on end isn’t cool? Can we also agree that we don’t need to meet people’s spouses to see that an employee is capable of doing a good job? I don’t need to see my boss’ house, meet their spouse and maybe their kids or pets, and have my boss meet my spouse to do a competent-to-excellent job for my company.

       2. This is a lot of context that was missing from yesterday’s post. It changes my perspective a bit. But it doesn’t change others’ knee-jerk reactions, which I think are worth discussing.

       3. My husband’s firm does events and outings, but only 2 a year. Spouses and significant others are invited. For every spouse who does want to go, there are spouses that resent having to attend. So, there is no winning here. Is it anachronistic? Well, do the wives cook the meal, serve the food, cheer the kick ball players? Or is it catered, and can everyone do what s/he wants?

          I think week night things are best..but it is not up to me.

          1. I have kids and weeknights would be a nope for me. Too much schedule chaos. I like weekend things that I could go to with my family (Disney on Ice tickets FTW) or have enough time to get a sitter. Weeknight evenings are a stress bath of math homework, dog walking, dinner, etc. Even pulling one parent out has a cost, so best to do infrequently (never mind both parents).

             1. I have kids and that makes me just not about to go about half of the time I’m invited. But I do make a point of going often enough that my absence is not commented upon (which I feel is the standard here). And I’m always glad I’ve gone it even if there is an initial logistics hurdle to clear. Prior to kids, I went to about 75%, but had not as much going on then. Those soft relationships often lead to jobs and good connections and a better network — you may be not even for a job and something can land in your lap (my spouse found a job through one of my non-work organization’s events, so you never know).

       4. It’s quarterly, so NBD, and supports your spouse’s career, which is helpful to your whole family and TBH, it sounds like you could use a bit of socialization on what is expected as you both get more senior.

    2. I think that I am very schooled by my older relatives, but they consider being invited into someone’s home to be one of the highest honors. And TBH, I am so busy with work + kids that I could not pull off something like that except if I took a half-day off of work (or had staff at home, which I don’t other than the chores my kids do) or did it on a weekend. In before times, I had an open house some time before Thanksgiving on a Saturday afternoon so people with younger kids could float in and out with them (or a brunch). I’m not a Senior at work, but a person who does have some shared direct reports (so should I not invite them? I have in the past, but I knew them better then and the current crop are virtually strangers. Still, I ran into a former co-worker at a brewery recently and she was there with a junior on her team and some other people and it made me sad for how things were. [Like I used to write enthusiastic rec letters for people going off to get an MBA or whatever and with pandemic remote work, the best I can generally do but for one rock-star person is that they are “adequate,” which is not great).

    3. This punishes anyone who doesn’t conform. DH and I do not conform: socially, religiously, lifestyle, none of it. In these interactions we either need to be excellent actors for several hours or risk career harm. These events shouldn’t be happening at all, it’s just a way to benefit the ‘in crowd’.

       1. We should all be at them. You are invited, no? If you are invited and refuse to come, how will out-groups ever make any traction? I am where I am in part b/c someone took a chance and invited someone and that someone took a chance an accepted. And the world didn’t end. It got better.

          I want a place at the table. You can invite me. Maybe I should invite people when it’s my turn? But short of no one ever entertaining ever, what to do to make progress, especially now?

       2. Huh? How? My company values diversity and there’s no conformity expectation at all. Being different from the average doesn’t mean you can’t attend a dinner.

          1. +1

          2. I think the key here is that your company values diversity. There are some companies that say so but in reality the company culture doesn’t, so what if you’re LBGQT or something along those lines?

          3. This comment shows me your personal views, conversation style, and appearance hew pretty closely to the average in your company. For those of us who are outliers, these types of events will never be anything but uncomfortable-bordering-on-painful and we don’t deserve to have our career progression harmed because we, or our spouses, don’t enjoy barbecues and ballgames or don’t decorate our houses with word art or don’t go to church.

             1. Lol, no. I live in Berkeley so perhaps I’m just not getting he conformity issue being referenced here. Someone who goes to church and decorates with word art would be the nonconformist in my work circles.

       3. Punishment is being the odd one left out of a gathering. I’m the most socially awkward, agnostic, weird-hobby-doing, permanently single, funny looking person there is and even I can manage work appropriate conversation for a couple of hours a few times per year, because it beats the hell out of hearing about almost-all-hands events I wasn’t invited to after the fact, as was the case at former jobs.

          1. This right here.

       4. Do not confirm in what way? Do you not eat?

          Just go and be your non confirming selves. The company hired you. Your boss likes you.

    4. I also learned to golf during law school for the same reason. Over the last 20 years I have played thousands of rounds, shaved my handicap down to a respectable number, and joined a golf club. I have yet to be invited to join “that” foursome. Instead I found my own tribe of female golfers who support each other personally and professionally. If you are ever in MSP I will golf with you. :)

    5. That’s the point. The point is that pegging career advancement to required socializing — especially required socializing after hours with SO’s — penalizes people who don’t fit in. I posted yesterday about how it was hard for me, as the parent of an infant, to scrounge up child care to attend a command-performance dinner party at a law firm partner’s house (not to mention having to give up precious time with said infant).

       1. So what is the answer then?

          And I will say as a person with kids, I am scrambling to pack my work into the workday (so I’m not up all night) and during-the-day events can’t be the answer unless they are catered lunch-and-learns. But I am willing to get a sitter when I feel that it will help my career — so much schooling, so much in loans, and yet I feel like it’s the people factor (and fear the lack thereof) in determining what happens to me in the long run. I think it’s like taking a CPE class or otherwise investing strategically in my future. Weekly would be too much. But for me, these are at most annual or seasonal events anyway or to celebrate an office event (office move, someone got an award, etc.).

          1. During the day can and should be the answer – work needs to stay at work. These events are being catered after hours, no reason not to during the day as well.

          2. One answer is: if you’re the boss and you invite me to your house, be completely understanding and non-judgemental when I decline your invitation. And don’t hold it against me at promotion time because I didn’t come to your dinner party.

             TBH, so much of forced after-work socializing comes across as people substituting colleagues for friends so they can have a social life. I have friends and family members I want to socialize with after work and on the weekends. I do not want to spend that time with my colleagues, whom I have to see at work all day five days a week. People who want to have people they can invite over for dinner or out for drinks need to make friends. Not press their coworkers (or worse yet, their subordinates) into service in that role.

             1. Wanting a social life is not a personality flaw. Liking one’s colleagues is not a personality flaw. Telling people they need to go out and make friends and stop bothering you because your life is perfect already is just plain mean and will at some point slow down your ability to be promoted, good work notwithstanding. You’re being a worker bee, to reference the other thread(s).

       2. What’s wrong with limiting it to lunches during the workday and the very occasional dinner? Remember, back in the day it was near-daily drinks and weekly golf and that’s the culture that made it so hard for everybody who wasn’t able to participate.

          1. But now that we are invited, why shouldn’t we go?

             1. Because not everyone likes socializing with their coworkers! You’re obviously an extrovert who absolutely loves this sh*t. Great! Lean into that. Don’t expect the rest of us to!

             2. I say this as an introvert myself, but sometimes you just need to suck it up and go and do it. It’s a dinner or happy hour, not a Klan rally. If you decide to not participate out of some weird, misguided principle, that’s on you and no complaints if you’re left out.

             3. This exactly. It also goes to the influence question above. The way you end up influencing people is by really getting to know them so there’s shared trust. It’s a short cut to developing trust by opening up and socializing with people from work. This is why it was problematic when women and POC were left out. Now that we’re not, the answer isn’t “don’t go/keep those work lines sharp,” it’s “take that seat at the table and lean into it.

             4. “no complaints if you’re left out.”
                Oh, believe me, there are no complaints. I am not gunning for promotion or to climb a ladder and I would rather be left out of “opportunities” than have to schmooze people I don’t like and don’t want to spend time with in my off hours.

             5. Look if you really do not want to advance, work in a a profession where the ability to interact socially with others is not a requirement, and/or will not complain about being left out, then by all means do not go. But please do not blame the manager who extends the invitation. And do not judge him or her when it turns out that your inability or unwillingness to spend 3 hours on a weekend at an (internal) client development event means that you do not get considered for similar (external) client events.

                I know my (now former) boss invited everyone on his team to his house at least once a year. This was partly to forestall criticism that he was favoring the men who showed up for golf outings and happy hours more often than the women and partly because he wanted to see us in a social setting before putting us in a position to socialize with clients. He always invited spouses on the theory that it was rude to invite one person in a couple. He invited live in partners if he knew about them (including same s*x partners). He honestly did not care if they “couldn’t make it but thank you so much for the invitation.” And I was a single parent who had to find a sitter but I was still happy to be invited and glad he wanted to get to know me as a person. I liked his wife and was happy to meet her. And it was three hours once a year.

                I get there may be jobs that do not require dinners with clients and the ability to make conversation but even then it is a dinner party. Not a weekend retreat.

19. i am preparing to vote in my local primary election – i’ve voted in a presidential primary, but never with so many candidates. there are 88 races to vote on! any ideas for efficiently researching candidates?

    1. Sadly no. Google is all I have to recommend. But I’ve found that it goes pretty quickly after looking at the first candidate or two because you learn what the candidates have decided the big issues are and you figure out how to decode the various positions on those issues.

    2. Your local paper/other news source will usually have some sort of candidate guide, and sometimes endorsements that can help point you in the right direction. Good for you for participating in democracy at every level!

    3. Do you have a local League of Women Voters? Sometimes they will do a candidate review.

       1. +1

          In my state, there are some social justice/political organizations that I support that post on their website the candidates they endorse and why, just before the election. I print out those lists and try to read them ahead of time, and bring them with me when I vote. They don’t cover all races, but I learn a lot. The Democratic party of my state makes a similar list.

          In my state, there were some disasters years ago when people would blindly vote for candidates in local elections and people with “nice sounding” names were winning. Like Candace Goodfellow. Oh, she sounds so nice… what a nice name. Well, turns out she’s a Nazi. oops. After reading about that, I try not to vote on a race/election without having some guidance.

    4. My unremarkable suburban town has some “national grassroots” group that has presented a slate of recommended candidates based on the objectives of the larger organization (which I understand to be progressive-leaning, fwiw). It’s created quite the uproar from what I think is a vocal minority, which is the only reason I know if it. In any event, maybe something like that exists to help give you some direction?

    5. If you’re voting on judges, ask your lawyer friends what they think of the candidates. If they litigate, or are involved with their local bar in any way, they probably have strong opinions. Our judicial races are SO important – these are the people who are making decisions every day about everything from criminal matters to CPS cases to probate to general civil litigation. Our county elected someone 2 years ago who was wildly unqualified. She unseated the current judge who had been there for many years and was loved by the legal community. It was disappointing and frustrating and caused a lot of consternation among lawyers about how to handle cases assigned to her courtroom going forward.
       Anyways, now I’m just venting! But bottom line, the judicial races are super important, and if you know any lawyers, I bet they have THOUGHTS.

       1. Are you in Austin? Just guessing . . . .

          1. I am, but per SA’s comment below, sounds like it’s not unusual. Which makes sense.

       2. This has happened a couple of times in my county — people with, shall we say, slim qualifications (as in, had been working in food service rather than practicing law in recent years) targeted longstanding and well-respected sitting judges who had “foreign-sounding” names and in at least one case actually managed to get elected. Another judge narrowly kept his seat but had to spend a bucketload of money in the process. It seems to have eased off of late but it was horrifying.

    6. If there is a local organization that you trust, they may have sample ballots/endorsements that are a good cheat sheet.

       1. Yep, this is usually what I go with in combination with the recommendations of our local free weekly paper that leans very much my political direction. I just bring their mailer in the voting booth with me.

    7. I read what the League of Women Voters puts out for my area, as well as newspaper editorials.

       1. And I vote no for most bond measures other than schools and libraries.

          My area has now thrice passed bond measures for a new fire station they have yet to build. Each promised to be sufficient to build the whole thing, but I believe they spent it elsewhere.

          1. Is that even legal –to spend bond money on something other than the project it’s supposed to pay for?

    8. DH and I have similar opinions on most things — go figure — so we usually split the list and each research half.

20. I’m an outside consultant for a client – think public relations. I had a great working relationship with the client’s director, but he recently passed off my topic to a newly hired VP. VP is completely unfamiliar with my topic and is mucking things up by not reaching out to me before diving head-first into things. That means that something that I normally lay groundwork for becomes chaotic because VP didn’t know about XYZ that needed to be done first, making my client look disorganized to their clients. I’m afraid that the VP-induced chaos will be associated with my entire topic, not just him, and jeopardize my reputation with the client. VP also never CC’s the director (arrogance or afraid of looking dumb?), so I’m not sure how much visibility the director has into how this is all going down. How do I manage this new relationship to a) protect my reputation with the client while b) not completely throwing the VP under the bus?

    1. You call the VP and set up a meeting where you introduce yourself and get them up to speed.

       1. +1 The guy’s not going to learn everything on his own.

21. How does Reiss sizing run? I’m a 4 or a S in US sizes, but looks like I may be a 10 in Reiss based on measurements.

    1. It definitely runs small (even putting aside the US/UK conversion factor). It worked best for my body when I was less curvy.

    2. Smaaaaallll

    3. It definitely runs small but pretty ‘true’ to UK sizes. I’m a 2/4 in mall brands and pretty reliably a UK 10/US 6 in brands like Reiss/Hobbs/Barbour/The Fold/etc. It also tends to fit more ‘straight up and down’ than typical US brands which works for me as I’m a ‘ruler’ with a bit of a mom tummy.

    4. It’s small but I would make sure that you’re looking at their US sizes if you’re shopping their US site, not the UK sizes. Going up that many sizes seems unnecessary – I would do one, maybe two if you like a looser fit. I found their shoulders to run narrow but it was more along the lines of how juniors clothing runs narrow.

22. I’m traveling to Sweden soon and need to pack as light as possible. Does anyone have recs for snow boots/hiking boots that can also look good with jeans for walking around the city? What I’ve found online so far is so clunky that I wouldn’t want to wear it outside of the athletic setting.

    1. La Canadienne boots

       1. +1

          Aquatalia too. All are pricey, but you can get great sales this time of year.

    2. You’re going to give up something on the technical side to find something fashionable. How arduous are the outdoor activities you have planned?

    3. They’re a casual look, but I’ve worn my Danner Mountain Light boots pretty much every day this winter.

    4. Sorel has some well priced city appropriate boots. I was surprised to see them, I thought they only made the giant snow boots lift operators wear.

    5. Blondo.

23. Thanks to anyone who has recommended the Old Navy Pixie Pants here – just bought a high waisted full length pair and they’re perfect. I have a sensitive stomach and normally hate pants but these looks nice and professional but are still very comfortable. Tempted to buy a few different colors and then just be set on work pants.

    1. What’s the quality like? I used to live in these but then the quality went way down hill. The fabric got thinner and the cut got sloppier.

       1. I thought the pants were pretty thick and sturdy. Given the other comment I’ll wait to wash it though before buying more just to be safe

    2. Wait until you wash the pair you have before buying more. When I bought them a couple years ago, they faded so terribly after just a couple washes that they were no longer suitable for work. (And I never have laundry issues, so it was definitely the pants.)

24. So, re doping, OK if you are a 15YO figure skater but an adult still can’t smoke a little weed (which, IMO, is performance not-enhancing if anything)? Just trying to make sure I’m up on all this.

    1. Right. Also doesn’t help to be black if you’re going to smoke weed.

       1. Never more true!

       2. ^^^ Exactly this right here !

       3. Right?! This makes me enraged!

    2. Broadly, yes, but there are a lot of players in this space and its not a 1-to-1 comparison. Richardson tested positive for an internationally banned substance, and for all its faults the US organizations take doping incredibly seriously. (Honestly, as they should. Whether marijuana should be on the banned list is another question entirely, but the fact of the matter is it is. It’s why you didn’t see many athletes coming to her defense last year, because they are all aware that they have to be careful about everything they put in the bodies.) It was the US Anti Doping Agency and US Track and Field that set her suspension (and note that it was only for a month, about as slap on the wrist as you can get. It was the timing of her test that was the problem.) Richardson’s situation is much more like Romanian gymnast Andreea Raducan, who won the all around gold in 2000 but was stripped of her medal after she tested positive for a substance found in Sudafed (given to her by her coach), which was taken off of the banned list the next year. Valieva tested positive for a banned substance in December last year, but the Russian figure skating federation a) slow rolled her test so that the result didn’t come out until after the Olympics had started and b) threw their full support behind her because she’s basically a guaranteed gold medal. They took her case to the Court of Arbitration for Sport, which decided in an uncharacteristically fast determination that she was fine to compete. The IOC, for all its evils, actually seems to be against this – they aren’t giving out medals if she makes the top 3, nor are they giving medals for the team event where she help Russia to gold, and allowed an extra figure skater who didn’t qualify to the final to compete. The difference between the situations has more to do with Valieva’s Russianness than anything else, and the different players (USADA and USTF vs. the Russian Olympic Committee and CAS). If the IOC had any backbone, they would have fully banned Russia after their blatant doping shenanigans in 2014, but they didn’t so here we are.

       1. Such a helpful explanation

          1. Yes, thanks for this.

       2. +1 Not saying there isn’t a double standard for white vs Black people, but in this case it was different governing bodies involved. The US takes doping a lot more seriously than Russia.

          1. This. And I don’t feel particularly sorry for Richardson. MJ is on the banned substances list, so what was she thinking, using it that close to her competition?

             Russia just needs to banned forever, for all the things, until it actually cleans up its act.

             1. I read today she was using it to cope with the loss of her mother passing away.

    3. Yes!! This is what makes this so cut and dry to me – one is performance-diminishing, one is performance-enhancing, and the latter person gets to compete?

       1. She gets to compete but whether her result will count or get tossed out will still be adjudicated later. She has not been cleared.

    4. I feel like the Olympics has been so ridden with Stuff this year. A few ski jumpers had gear that was like millimeters too large, this skater and the subsequent ridiculous decision, COVID, Shiffrin’s headlines, stuff around there being no snow at all, China’s deplorable human rights track record, diplomatic boycotts, etc… I’m forgetting others but it just feels really exhausting to watch this go-round. I know all of that is not in people’s individual control a nd it’s all objectively bad (boycott away…), and I feel for Shiffrin so hard – no fault to her at all. But the buzz around the Olympics and associated dramatics is more than my brain cares to process right about now. And I generally LOVE the Olympics. Maybe it’s also a little exhausting because the summer games were not 9 months ago.

       1. RIght? Like it’s all subterfuge for “there is nothing to see along the Ukraine border; nothing at all.” Like the world is about to blow up but let’s focus on our obvious doping.

       2. The Olympics has lost a lot of appeal to me compared to when I was younger. Especially these last two in the middle of a global pandemic. They claim that politics are not involved, but of course politics are involved in a worldwide event like this. China pretending they don’t have human rights issues? Russia pretending they don’t cheat? The US pretending like a gold medal makes up for nearly a million Covid deaths and terrible social policies? And I really feel for these young girls in gymnastics and figure skating who are children, and have given up their entire childhoods to these sports. And for what? A chance to honor their countries that don’t value them beyond the ad revenue they bring in? I still watch but I feel more and more depressed doing so.

          1. That’s about where I’m at, and it makes me so sad. I have always loved the Olympics, but both this round and last summer’s Games felt very, very off for me.

          2. While I do not disagree, as an old I feel the need to point out that the Olympic are WAY less political now than they were during the Cold War.

          3. I think the coverage is just obnoxious (“the pandemic makes the Olympics extra exciting this year! and all the Uighur genocide allegations, and the threats to Ukraine!”); I’m watching the actual athletic performances online without any commentary.

25. Just a vent, although if anyone has any suggestions on how I can reframe my thinking about this, I would appreciate it.

    I joined a group for people in my profession (not law) as I am a “department of one” and felt like it would be good for me to network and learn with fellow professionals. We just had yet another Zoom meetup where the meeting got hijacked by older white men who cannot shut up and let anyone else get a word in. The moderator of the “round robin” discussion even said at one point “I think it would be good to hear some other viewpoints” and the older white guy was like, “sure but let me finish this thought” and proceeded to talk for another ten minutes. I realize the moderators could have been more aggressive, but I also feel like – seriously? Why can’t these guys figure out, from reading verbal and visual cues, that it’s time for them to stop talking? I watched as women and POCs just left the meeting rather than listen to the old guys continue to blather on. What really kills me is I know some of these men say they are “allies.” If you’re an ally, let someone else talk in the meeting! We don’t need a 20-minute soliloquy on what you did when you were faced with a similar problem in 1987. (I am not trying to be ageist but I don’t understand why they can’t ever talk about recent work experiences vs. what they did 40 years ago. And I don’t understand why, in a group of peers, they still feel like they have to posture so hard and appear to be the world’s expert on everything). It’s turning me off to participating in the group and I’m sad about it, because I’m sure there are valuable perspectives there. But no one can get a word in edgewise once the older white guys start talking.

    1. I hate to have to be the change I want to see in the world, but that’s often what it takes. Like maybe ask if you could have a “young professionals” zoom that you host and then control the agenda and mikes of others to go around and let people introduce themselves and speak.

    2. Make sure you give that honest feedback to the organizers. I often speak at events like this (I promise I don’t blather on, I usually have a hard time filling my allocated time) and I can tell you the organizers take the feedback very seriously. Did they do a survey at the end? If not, call the moderator. Seriously. I’m sure she’d welcome it.

    3. Yes, but really the moderator needs to take a lot more responsibility here.

    4. The more energy I spend getting irritated at things like this, the less effective and happy I am generally. If the group isn’t proving useful (and I question the overall value of zoom networking and would keep the jury out until you can attend some things in person), assess if it’s worth your time. I wouldn’t let one blowhard put me off without more, and I wouldn’t make a stink either. It’s a lot harder for people to navigate social cues virtually and I’d give a little grace. Even to the old white dude. PS – 40 year old experience isn’t always completely irrelevant either.

       1. This comment inspired me to reach out to the organizers and give feedback about the event today. Because I don’t want people to think monopolizing the conversation is okay and continue doing it or allowing it to happen, and alienating potential valuable contributors in the process. So thanks!

          1. Well cookies for you. I hope you succeed with that approach to life.

26. Has anyone been making their way through the academy award nominated films? I’ve seen most of the ones nominated for Best Actress (tough, but I think maybe Olivia Colman) and saw the one Best Picture nominee The Power of the Dog (a slog if you ask me).

    What have you seen and what did you think?

    1. I have not seen most of the best picture nominations, but I loved both Belfast and Coda. I did not particularly enjoy Power of the Dog, but found it interesting (and sad and depressing). DH described it as one of his least favorites movies ever.

       1. We watched Dog on the evening of the 13th and decided we deserved to break into the valentines candy a day early after suffering through the film.

       2. To save me a google, is it about dogs?

          1. Lol no.

             1. Thanks! Totally appreciate the reply a d saving me a google! I love dogs but given the reviews here and knowing that’s not even what it’s about, I shall skip :)

          2. No dogs involved- the title comes from a quote from… the Bible maybe? I could also google but won’t…

             1. I think it’s the bible and a mountain that casts a shadow that is shaped like a dog. Believe me, that is the most interesting part of the movie… (and it’s not interesting)

          3. No, but if there are some pretty intense scenes involving cattle so if you’re squeamish about stuff involving animals and surgery this is maybe not your movie.

             I loved it, but it’s so “my kind” of movie – strange, beautiful, complicated. Jane Campion’s work isn’t always my favorite (I thought the second season of Top of the Lake was…not great) but this one is wonderful.

    2. I’m getting ready to host my 20th annual Oscar party. It’s such a hit and gets me and all my gals watching the movies! I’ve seen about 13 of the movies so far. I agree that Best Actress should go to Olivia Colman. But think Jessica Chastain will be a close 2nd. Her performance/transformation in The Eyes of Tammy Faye was mesmerizing. I wasn’t overly impressed with Kristen Stewart in Spencer. Power of the Dog left me confused (at the end I looked at my partner and said “do you know what that was about”?). But the acting was superb and the cinematography was beautiful. Nightmare Alley was fantastic but I’d watch Cate Blanchett paint a her family room and clap. I will try Macbeth again but that might be too artsy for my taste. I’m looking forward to watching CODA and Licorice Pizza next.

       1. Yes, even when I typed that I was like Olivia Colman for sure, but what about Jessica Chastain…..

          I can’t wait to watch Licorice Pizza. I think I was a teen or pre-teen in its time period, and yes, I bought records at the Licorice Pizza records chain in SoCal.

    3. I really loved The Power of the Dog- it wasn’t enjoyable exactly, but it was beautiful to watch, the acting was fantastic, and I loved the way the plot came together at the end. I also really liked CODA, The Lost Daughter (Best Actress), and The Tragedy of Macbeth (Best Actor- I also liked Andrew Garfield in Tick Tick Boom). Dune, King Richard, and Don’t Look Up were all good, and even Nightmare Alley was okay, but probably my least favorite of the ones I’ve seen. Still haven’t seen Belfast, West Side Story, Licorice Pizza, or Drive My Car.

    4. I have only seen a few of the Best Picture nominees. I really loved Don’t Look Up and King Richard. I thought Dune was okay and West Side Story was… West Side Story.

       The only acting nominee I’ve seen beyond that was Spencer, and I thought it was kind of a lot of moping around so not really my thing. Oh, and I loved The Tragedy of MacBeth and Hubby did not.

       We watched Encanto the other night and loved it. Looking forward to Belfast and Licorice Pizza.

27. I’ve been thinking about buying a moto jacket, but seems like I’ve maybe waited too long? Do people think this look is on its way out? Can anyone show me a leather jacket that looks more current?

    1. Do you like moto jackets? Do they suit your personality? If so, then get one.

       1. No need to respond if you have no advice, and not sure why you’re on this site if you think current fashion is irrelevant. I don’t need your permission to buy a jacket I like.

    2. I don’t think a leather Moro jacket will ever be out of style.

Comments are closed.