ByKat Hours Updated
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Coffee Break: Cool Beans Watch Band

Apple watch band with splotches of black, white, coral, and pink

Ooh: Casetify has a ton of cute watch band straps at Nordstrom right now, if you're on the hunt.

(My super old Apple Watch is ready for a replacement, and I always regretted choosing a model that's always been less common in terms of cute women's watch straps — so I'm kind of hunting for which strap I want first and then I'll pick the watch. If that makes sense!)

This fun blobby, colorful watch (pictured) looks great (it's 38mm, which I believe was the most common size for older Apple Watch model) — I'm also kind of in love with this multi-colored “zebra pop” watchband, as well as this awesome stripey red/pink watchband.

Readers, what watch are you wearing these days, if any? How often do you swap your watch band?

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Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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275 Comments

    1. A bit TL;DR for me but I feel like when women (of any color) can be a mediocre white man of great success (Ted Kennedy was always my Exhibit A on this) (cheating scandal at UVA or Harvard, then Chappaquiddick, etc., etc.), we will all be better off.

      Just being a woman is exhausting (assuming this is true for all colors). So I get it. It’s OK to get a B+ or an A-. You gotta run your own race for you.

      1. +1 mediocrity just isn’t really an option for women in the same way it is for men. If I ever made the type of mistakes my male counterparts did I would be unemployed and black balled, yet they’re still here.

    2. I thought the title and framing of some of the ideas in the piece were click-baity in a way that put me off, but a lot of the content resonated with me. I’m a black woman in corporate law and I’m familiar with the hope that a certain level of achievement will shield you from certain forms of treatment (it will not!) I also think it’s important to adopt a personal definition of success, although I wouldn’t call that embracing mediocrity.

      1. Your last sentence is the perspective that was mostly missing from the article. I think this quote from an interview subject makes the distinction between a personal definition of success and mediocrity:

        “When I think of the word mediocre, I think of the Chads and the Todds of the tech world, who often come into a meeting with all of the audacity and none of the shame. The word ‘mediocre’ [makes me] think of these people who get by on the bare minimum and not-so-great ideas, but they thrive because of who they are, or who they know.”

        Chad and Todd are pursuing the mainstream definition of success and just aren’t very good at it. There is a big difference between being Chad or Todd who is mediocre and coasts along on his identity and connections, and intentionally pursuing a different kind of success.

  2. Helllp. No one in real life to ask this question – has anyone here ever created a Faceb00k account solely for Marketplace? I’m furnishing a home and trying to buy mostly used stuff, and I’ve never had an account and never intended to. Is that a thing people do? I really don’t want to give them even my name and info (and don’t have an Instagram account either – though I do have What’sApp so I guess I’m in their universe).

    1. I know someone whose account is for a pet. I think there are some hoops to jump through because Facebook only wants real users but it can be done. You may need to set up a burner email for the verification process if you don’t want to use your own. But at some point those transactions do require personal interaction. I met someone in a gas station to sell a painting once. But I’ve had people come to my home to buy a larger item. If you are the purchaser and willing to pick things up, it is easier to avoid giving your own address, I think.

    2. Yep totally normal and totally a thing. I would suggest picking a fake first name that’s similar to your real first name. It makes for smoother transactions when people call you by your fake name.

      1. Yes to fake names. My niece in her 20s and several of her friends use first middle as their social media names. It seems pretty smart to me.

        1. When I see these Firstname Middlename accounts for people I know, I assume they are trying not to be found so I don’t send them friend requests, even if I know them quite well in real life.

          1. Do you understand why they do it? 1) creepy guys, and 2) employer checks. I guess I’d be glad not to be friends with someone who thinks like you do.

          2. Most of my friends who do this have jobs like therapist or teacher. They want to be found by their actual, real life friends. They don’t want to be found by their clients or students.

    3. My daughter has hers under her pet’s name. I see many, many people on the cancer groups that have names like “Jennifer Ann” and the people I’ve gotten to know, those are their real/close to real first and middle names. I would have zero qualms about setting up a semi-anonymous name – Facebook still makes money off of you, so it’s not a one-sided relationship.

    4. I know this is common, but as a young single woman, I will not set up transactions with people whose facebooks look off to me. Things that could make it feel off – no pictures of themselves (or pictures where you can’t see their face), a fake name, or an account with limited post history.

      I totally understand why people don’t want pictures/names on Facebook, but I do not buy or sell with those accounts for my own safety.

      1. If someone has a sketchy profile but you’re interested in buying/selling ask to meet in a police station parking lot. Most PDs have a few designated spots for this purpose.

      2. Same. I live in a small city, and it’s pretty common for me to have at least one connection with someone I’m buying from. I probably wouldn’t sell to someone with a new account with an obviously fake name.

    5. I sell a lot on there and wouldn’t waste your time making a fake or marketplace only account as I see them a lot but assume they’re either bots or worse. I only sell and engage with people who have a real account and appear to have been on the platform for a while. I don’t care if the last name is fake, but I’m not taking a chance on interacting with someone not real.

    6. Facebook has a file on you already; they don’t limit this to people with accounts.

  3. Recommendation needed- bubble bath that gets really bubbly.

    Please and thank you!

    4. The key ingredient is a steady injection of air via running water, or ideally, a whirlpool tub. The latter will make an overwhelming amount of bubbles with just shampoo. It may or may not be terrible for the motor though.

      1. Jetted tubs specifically say in the instructions not to use bubble bath with them because it turns the guts into a horror show. I work with piping systems and can confirm this.

        1. But jetted tubs don’t recycle the air/water through the jets– they pull air from the room and shoot it out only.

  4. I saw something on social media and can’t find it again because I’m not sure what to Google – the idea was that instead of meal-prepping recipes you bulk prep proteins/grains/veggies and then throw them together how the individual wants — so good for families with different food requirements. Does anyone know what I can Google to find more? TIA…

    1. That’s pretty much the idea of a salad bar or Mongolian bbq, but at home. Lots of tupperwares or cambros of the stuff you like in >1x servings. If it works for you, cool.

    3. Buffet meal prep, I think. Work Week Lunch has been posting about this a lot over the past few weeks.

    4. In case it’s helpful: we cook like this, and it’s great! Some staples for us:

      – bucket of meat, seasoned with garlic, onion, and black pepper, could be chicken, ground turkey, ground beef, what is on sale at the grocery store

      – veggies of choice, either steamed or roasted, usually with garlic salt

      Meals we make with those^^ ingredients:

      – Thai curry: add coconut milk + curry paste, serve over freshly-made brown rice
      – Spaghetti: add tomato sauce
      – Tacos: put meat in tortillas, add avocado/sour cream
      – breakfast hash: heat meat, add eggs any style
      – salad: meat, veggies, lettuce mix
      – stir fry: add soy sauce and cumin, ginger, cayenne, paprika to taste, serve with freshly-made brown rice

      I usually decide which of the 2-3 meals above we’ll alternate for the week and choose veggies accordingly, but yeah… we pretty much always have a tupperware of generically-seasoned meat in the fridge.

  5. Are food cravings a perimenopause thing? I didn’t get cravings when pregnant. I’ve eaten the same B+ sort of diet for decades. All bloodwork is normal, weight is normal, iron is normal, sugars are normal.

    Right now: I have some deep longing in my soul, something primal, for . . . really, really good tuna fish salad with some bow-tie pasta mixed in and what I call Good Salt, some chopped up pickles and finely minced celery and a dash of onion salt. I am possessed, no?

    1. This sounds like normal human behavior unrelated to “the change.” Just get a can of Ortiz, a box of Maldon, and some pasta, pickles and celery and get your snack on.

      1. ETA: I think you are making a mistake with the onion salt, so I left it off. I think you should try it first before adding the onion salt. But skip the pasta and throw it on an onion roll . . . now we’re talking.

    2. That sounds amazing. I always crave salt; my doctor said it makes sense since it helps keep my blood pressure up.

    3. I parked my car the other day and looked at the car next to me and it had an uncapped can of Easy Cheese in the front seat cup holders. Good times. Some people have a sweet tooth. I have a salt/fat tooth.

      1. This reminds me of the time I was pulling out of the Trader Joe’s parking lot and made strong eye contact with a guy in another car while chomping into the end of a whole baguette. He flashed me a peace sign and I felt understood.

        1. My niece got into the groceries once and ate most of a block of parmesan before they got home.

    4. I’m in full meno and I find my cravings are sweet, then salt to compensate for the sweet, then sweet to compensate for the salt. In musical notation this would be written

      ||: sweet salt :||

    5. I went from craving chocolate once every 28 days to craving salt all the time.

  6. Just saying: wouldn’t it be cool if there were an app or alert system that monitored really local COVID data (wastewater, PCR, etc) as well as your own vax data to give you a personal risk factor? 6 months out from vaccine + high transmission = warning warning! 4 months from vaccine + low transmission but new variant on the rise = be cautious!

    tired of seeing nothing but charts that say “very high risk for unvaccinated people” :eyeroll:

    2. no, this would not be cool. if you are vaccinated and believe it helped you, can’t you give this a rest?

  7. Super random but has anyone stayed at the Wyndham Grand Orlando Resort Bonnet Creek near Disney and have a review? I am booking a last minute trip with my kids to the Magic Kingdom next week and wondering if this is a good place to stay in terms of location/experience. Only going for one night/day so don’t think it’s worth it to splurge on a branded property but this isn’t cheap either so wondering if I am being penny wise, pound foolish. Also in the running is the Coronado Springs. Mostly want to get the park and back quickly and easily and a clean place to sleep. TIA!

    1. i just stayed on site (port orleans french quarter) and it was still kind of a PITA to get to the parks. if the hotel has an indoor pool i’d probably do it. i think disney guests get in 30 minutes earlier than everyone else, which can matter with the rope drop stuff.

    2. If you are just staying for one night, I’d suggest the Disney properties. It’s easier (you have transportation that runs regularly) and depending on the park, you might get additional magic hours (can arrive earlier).

    3. I stay there frequently because my mom has a timeshare there.

      It’s fine, but IMO if you are just doing an overnight, stay some here cheaper. You’ll still have to drive to the parks (unless you take the shuttle which is kind of a pain). You won’t have time to use any of the amenities if you are at the parks all day.

      I’d do either an on site property or like, holiday inn express/comfort suits/ whatever. It’s just a bed for a night.

  8. Can we do a 2022 round-up of where my fellow pears are shopping for and finding:
    — denim (curvy cuts seem to have been just a skinny jeans thing; for straight-leg jeans that are not cropped — where are these?)
    — work pants (can be suiting pants or just things that look non-comical with a blazer)
    — dresses (prairie dresses were great b/c they were forgiving below the waist but it’s time to come back to the office from the covered wagon train)

    1. Denim: No freaking clue. I have tried on probably 30 pairs at this point and have bought nothing.
      Work pants: Recently found some bootcuts at BR Factory that I really like. Be aware, though, that what BR labels mid-rise still came up to my belly bottom, and I am a person with a long rise/long torso.
      Dresses: Haven’t shopped for dresses yet, but will probably return to Boden when I do.

    2. For curvy cut straight-leg jeans I’ve most recently gone low end (think “designer” labels Walmart, Kohls, JCP level stores). I have to apply my own sense of what’s in style, but at least I can find straight leg jeans that actually fit and are not too trendy (e.g. cropped).

    3. Jeans: Madewell – i think it’s called the Perfect Vintage Straight or something like that, but it comes in curvy sizes.
      Pants: Uniqlo 2 way stretch ankle length pants. You may need to size up. FWIW, I am about 5’4 and they are just regular pants on me (not ankle).
      Dresses: I haven’t really worn them much lately.

      1. +1 Madewell. They make a lot of items in curvy cuts, maybe do a search for them. I have several pairs of their curvy non-skinny jeans.

        I think Levi’s still has their curvy lines but never tried them.

    4. I feel like a broken record here, but Talbots Slim Ankle Curvy. I think their straight leg feels too wide/boot-cut to me, and their slim bootcut feels like a flare, so I think the slim ankle offers a good, fresher alternative to the jeggings we were all wearing.

    5. I’ve recommended these several times here: Sene jeans! They don’t have sizes. You send in your measurements and they cut the pants to fit.

    6. I’ve had really good luck with Everlane Curvy denim cuts, surprisingly (I normally don’t like their fit/top options).

    7. Talbots for curvy jeans, NYDJ for jeans that are not labeled as curvy but fit just fine. For work pants, there are so many cropped full leg pleated pants that have fit without me having to fret about shopping a specific brand. I went washable for dresses and bought Chaus and Karen Kane.

    8. I just made this recommendation last week, but for curvy denim, I have been finding a lot of success with Abercrombie. They have a variety of leg cuts/lengths in their Curve Love line. Highly recommend! They also are reasonably priced even at full price, but almost always have some sort of sale or influencer code with which you can get a discount.

      1. +1 to abercrombie, and not just for 90s inspired styles (you know what you bought from them the first time around). otherwise, go in person. lots of brands are putting less stretch in their jeans so you need to size up and get honest as the jeans are not longer +/- 2 sizes of stretch. been less impressed with madewell compared with 5 years ago – material seems cheaper.

        for work pants that are not cropped, banana republic has made a solid showing this year.

        on the opposite end of the spectrum for dresses, st. johns is surprisingly pear friendly (if you wade through the more “mature” looks) and get it on sale. same for the michael kors collection line (not the outlet line). veronica beard can be pear friendly as well but its a very “be honest with yourself” on your actual size.

  9. Shared on this morning’s post but I think I was too late, so reposting: I recently visited the Middle East and was taken by many 1,000-1,500 year old mosaic designs preserved in Byzantine churches. As a needlepointer, I immediately thought that I would love to honor these designs by creating needlepoint pieces out of the patterns. I have successfully used a free stitch charting tool to create several lovely designs, spending several hours translating piece by piece from photos. Needlepoint is an expensive hobby and I am just an amateur, with zero desire to have a needlepoint business. I’ve been thinking that I could perhaps share the charts I’ve created online for free, so others could use them for counted cross stitch or needlepoint, making it very clear where the pattern came from and that it is my interpretation of the original work for needlepoint. I also think that there are many safe places to travel in the middle east but people are hesitant to visit the area generally, so if I can inspire one person to travel to these areas, I would be thrilled. I’m wondering if there are any ethical dilemmas in this? Given the age, I would assume the designs are public domain and not under copyright. I also certainly don’t want to appropriate, there are local craftspeople who do mosaics and sometimes copy the mosaics from these places that you can buy (and which I certainly purchased some modern mosaic locally). I would have no intent to make money off this, but I did wonder if there were any cans of worms I could unintentionally open up. Would love your thoughts if you see any red flags!

    2. I think someone on Reddit could think through this. Check r/embroidery or r/needlepoint.

      1. I don’t think it’s a needlepoint or IP issue. I think it’s a cultural sensitivity issue that she is right to be cautious about. No matter her intentions, someone could get their feathers ruffled for any reason.

    3. I don’t see an ethical dilemma but I would LOVE to buy a pattern of yours. I have searched and failed to find something like this before. (So many patterns are things my grandmother would have made, and not in a good way).

      If you wanted to do a smidge of work, I think you could set up an etsy shop (you may be able to set up auto downloads after a purchase is made?) and donate proceeds to a local to the inspiration charity.

      Please share an update!

      1. Thank you, I will certainly update! If you have a burner email, leave it here and I can send you a couple designs – I have an eyeglasses case and a clutch, both for 18 mesh, that I’m considering “done”, and several others that are close to a final draft. Before I put anything out there more broadly, I want to take a crack at painting blank canvas and doing a test stitch to see if I like the scale. Totally agree that a lot of needlepoint designs are Santas and cherubs and I’m always looking for something less twee, too!

        1. I posted in response to your other entry, but Scarlett Quince may well be your friend. My preferred search terms are Earle, Morris, and tapestry, but I’ve always wanted her to put some Safavid patterns up.

    5. Those murals are so cool, and I share your hope that more Americans in particular might travel to the Middle East. One thing you could look into is Creative Commons licensing. There might be a level for this exact kind of thing. Hope you find a way to make it work.

    6. Churches as in early Christian churches? I would say knock yourself out, it’s a long tradition to be inspired from the Byzantine mosaics.

  10. I need some advice. I am 4 months into dating someone new. We knew each other through friends for several years prior. He is super smart, empathic, and thoughtful. We share many values. But his home is a disaster.

    I gave SO a pass on this initially because he had just bought his home and was “getting settled.” In the last 4 months, neither of the toilets have been cleaned. Shaving clippings litter the sinks. A layer of grime persists in both bathrooms. Dirt and dust bunnies are everywhere. His home is also disorganized but it is the filth that bothers me most. He proudly tells me that the bed sheets are clean when I come over, which is something.

    This man is 45 years old. He is who he is, right? He also talked a good game about making his house a real home when I first started coming over but nothing happens and it is NOT because he doesn’t have time. He makes good money but obviously watches a lot of television (I think this is COVID/winter related).

    I feel like if I say something he will be embarrassed and clean things up. But if his habits are this filthy they are not changing in a meaningful way, and I should walk away unless I want to become his organizer/maid.

    Happy Valentine’s Day indeed, ha.

    1. In a hypothetical marriage, would you be open to/have the money to hire a weekly housekeeper?

    2. I think it’s fine — he has his house and you have yours. It’s a talk for when things Get Serious, to be sure. This is where professional cleaners (on his dime) would be a relationship saver, if that is the only issue.

    3. Was his former home shared with a female partner? If so I’d be pretty concerned that he just sees cleaning as a woman’s job and is waiting for the next one to take over.

      If he’s been living alone for a long time, I’d probably mention it ONCE. If the result is anything other than a complete and permanent turnaround, then yes I’d probably assume this is who he is and no longer be interested. Even dating someone with a place this filthy sounds unappealing.

    4. I don’t know. I would at least talk to him/give him a chance. Like maybe he never becomes a super neat person but he hires a weekly housecleaner to come and clean his toilets, etc.

    5. If this is really the only issue and not a symptom of something else, hiring professional cleaners is a fairly easy solution. But the fact that you would dump him over a dirty house before even suggesting house cleaners tells me he’s not the one for you, and if that’s the case, then yes, better to move on now.

      1. eh, I think with a 45yo man who doesn’t have enough of a clue to know that bathrooms need to be cleaned regularly – either by him or a service…. the issue is his failure to adult, not the bathrooms per se.

        I would be worried about signing up for a future of handling 100% of the household maintenance emotional labor.

      2. OMG I wouldn’t have lasted past the first visit to a house that filthy. For me this would be a total dealbreaker and you’d better believe I would dump him over a dirty house.

        2. Yup, I have definitely done a hasty exit on filth. Mess I can deal with, filth no way!

    6. I don’t think I could be with someone who doesn’t see filth. I’m not taking about leaving a hoodie on the back of a chair for a week. I’m talking about uncleared bathrooms, nail clippings (gross) and other unhygienic stuff.

      No matter what, when you live with someone you’re going to see the gross side of them. We are human, it happens. But I wouldn’t choose to be with someone just doesn’t care. That would be enough of an incompatibility for me that I would move on.

      And no a cleaning service isn’t the answer because filth is a day to day thing.

      Everyone gets to have their deal breakers. I’m just telling you this would be mine in support. But only you can decide what yours are.

      (pS I’ve been married for 23 years)

      2. This would a pass for me, my husband sees dirt about the same way I do and we each do something every day to keep our place cleaned up.

      3. I agree that a grown man letting his toilets go four months without any cleaning is a red flag. But I disagree that “filth is a day to day thing.” We have a biweekly cleaning service and don’t do any real cleaning in between and our house is not filthy. It’s perfectly possible to have a clean house without any cleaning except a professional service.

    7. Likely the man is just gross and if you continue the relationship, eventually you will be the one cleaning or hiring/arranging cleaners. I don’t think it’s as easy of a solution as people say. Ultimately he’s still disgusting, which is unattractive, and if it becomes unaffordable or inconvenient to hire cleaners then you’re going to be his mom. But then again, it’s also very difficult to find someone you actually like. Is the trade off worth it? I would at least bring it up and see what he has to say for himself.

    8. You have to accept that cleanliness is probably never going to be as high a priority for him as it is for you. Only you can decide if you can live with that. It doesn’t mean that you must be the only one who cleans if you cohabitate but it does mean that he will probably never see dirt the way you do and it will not bother him as much as it bothers you.

    9. I have been on this s!te too long because I immediately thought back to that one woman who took a vacuum on the subway to clean her BF’s apartment. Date him if you want but don’t do that.

    10. I say he is who he is. I’m 49 and if someone I’ve been dating for four months voiced displeasure about the way I choose to live (for whatever reason), I’d tell them goodbye.

    12. I dated a guy like this who literally told me men don’t “see dirt” as well as women. His apartment was a freaking disaster when we met and we always spent time at my much smaller place. Moving in with him was a terrible idea, but I was very young at the time and I didn’t know better. I spent way too long in a relationship with him.

    13. If this were 5 years ago I would assume you were dating my uncle. But then he met a woman who said hey, I really like you, but I am not coming into a home that’s not clean. If you want me to come over, you either need to step up your game or hire a cleaner or both. He honestly did not realize how bad it had gotten and didn’t want to lose her. He did a deep clean, hired weekly cleaners, and they have been married 4 years. So if you like him enough, at least have the conversation and see what happens.

        1. Right. I was expecting the uncle became an 1ncel and started habituating internet spaces where he could talk about how horrible women are.

      2. yes – this is the model! And i truly believe there are indeed men out there (or women! An old friend of mine had a place like this and I truly think it is why she could never find a relationship!).

        You are allowed – in fact, required! – to have boundaries OP. A base level of non-filth is one of them (and a pretty reasonable one at that) and communicating those boundaries and needs is necessary in a relationship.

      3. This! A disgusting home is not something I could live with but if everything else is great then I would definitely mention it to him. If he was serious about you, he’d want to make his home a place where you feel comfortable. My bf rearranged his apartment, cleans, got the TP I like etc. If he wants to make it work he’ll clean or hire a cleaning service.

    14. You didn’t say why he has a new home. Has he left a previous partner, room mates or parents behind, or did he live by himself before?

      It is *possible* that he just doesn’t know how to clean or that he has to clean, that happens, but it’s not the most likely scenario. It’s also possible that he’s depressed, those are classic signs.

      But I guess the most likely is that he knows he should clean, but prefers not to, and doesn’t mind the filth.

      You get to 100 percent have “being clean” as a deal breaker, and of course you can bring up the issue and tell him that it puzzles and bothers you. Because there are several possible scenarios involving a lot of shame, be kind and open.

      But be kind to yourself as well, and honest about what you are willing to accept as your surroundings. And don’t clean his house for him. If he asks for help, gently suss out whether he just needs knowledge and a plan to do it himself, or a nudge towards getting a cleaner. As long as that cleaner isn’t you, all is well. Unfuck your habitat is a great resource for kind instructions and motivation for depression/no-knowledge cleaning, there’s a book as well as the site.

    15. I dunno, I couldn’t deal with this. When I met my husband, he was living in an apartment with a roommate and the place was always a disaster other than his room, which was fine. When I asked him about it, he said the roommate was a slob and he was tired of cleaning up after him in the common areas, and so had stopped doing it. I was very wary but sure enough, after the roommate moved out, it turned out my husband actually is a clean person and does a great job at cleaning up after himself. When we moved in together, his version of “clean” and my version of “clean” aren’t always simpatico but I have never, ever had to go around and clean up after him. If that had not borne out I wouldn’t have married him. My mom was a clean freak when we were growing up and I am not to her level, but lack of cleanliness bothers me a lot. While theoretically this can be solved with a housekeeper, I go to a lot of the what-ifs: what if you get to a place where you can’t afford it? What if you can’t find a reliable housekeeper? What if the housekeeper get sick and has to cancel for a month; could you go a month being the only person who cleans, or not having the house cleaned at all?

      There’s also just a fundamental turnoff for me when a grown adult can’t take care of themselves. I have a friend whose husband “can’t” cook (anything – not even spaghetti with jarred sauce, which I learned to make when I was 8 years old) and seems proud of it. You’re proud that you have to rely on others to feed you a meal? That’s not something to be proud of.

      I agree at 45, he is who he is. I also think at 45, unless he wants to change this about himself I would reconsider a long-term future with this guy. I also would redirect dates to your place because the idea of using a toilet that hasn’t been cleaned in four months gives me the shudders.

    16. I wouldn’t have visited twice. But be prepared to be the cleaner, either literally or to hire and be responsible for outsourcing. Because he WONT care. And forget about asking him to clean to your standards.

    17. How can you not wipe the counter after shaving? Or at least check a toilet to see if it’s okay if you’re having company? Guys live like this in college, but 45? Just gross. And yeah, I bet he’s hoping for a “woman’s touch.”

  11. I may have missed this as I haven’t read the morning thread, but did anyone post the NYT article about the Swiss Cheese model for layers of protection against COVID as a way to ease up on restrictions and the attendant mental health/ kids’ development etc crises? It seemed like what most people were gunning for when we were talking about masks last week, with a bit more data (e.g., one-way masking works, so I can wear an N95 as a person with cancer and be safer, without requiring you to). Thought I’d share as it’s very eloquently put. (Link to follow)

    1. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/14/briefing/covid-protection-immunocompromised-booster.html?unlocked_article_code=AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACEIPuonUktbfqYhkSlUaBybfR9kqoByAir_Ex6I9ijrmNi-JRD1ezuMTRomF_lrLYqFkYsMp2DGaX9JNdbUoQ-duw_UZP1BoT0PghKq4r6k_And_r5OvDCRx1ojRXLs8_HjkYDS0cukiyfjn7kyKdWW5UPTA2SZ2JxJj85I0cFz6jSYOk_zVA6UijIkFqPQlD5h5RzcHZzDb_KW7TkUjZ6jVK03U-QI0WOpGWDrMndP667IIcwxaC1-uX2ooqC9nq4saYIVLSf65ex0we8P-gqETCXhoJeqqD54xRovVktZ6oD6iB3NXq36ar9-UfHNd1u0&referringSource=articleShare

    2. As a fellow immunocompromised person, thanks for posting this (I didn’t know about Evusheld) but I am not looking forward to the responses here.

      I hope you’re doing well, Curious!

      1. Thank you! And yes my clinic reached out about an Evusheld wait-list about 1 week ago. Definitely worth getting in touch!

      2. In my county, we received 14 doses of Evusheld, so obviously production needs to ramp up, but it does seem promising. Don’t think you have been abandoned by policy makers, with the large numbers of people at risk for serious Covid, I think we will see a pipeline of new developments.

    3. This approach only works if there isn’t someone grabbing every layer of cheese and throwing it in the trash.

      1. Yep. I just found out that our local hospital wants infusion patients to start coming through general admission (which means 30 minutes in a crowded room of random patients who don’t know what they’re sick with yet).

        I think people just imagine that there are policies and procedures in place for the high risk when there aren’t.

        And last I checked, the highest risk category currently is infants: they can’t wear N95s!

        1. I think the article is more of a proposal than a statement that these things are happening. The reason I found it useful was that it gives me a picture of the new normal I want to advocate for. And ugh on that hospital. I had to hang out in the ER waiting area a few weeks back in peak omicron and, even with an N95, it wasn’t exactly a calming experience.

          1. I’m supposed to see my doctor today, which I’m generally comfortable with because he follows a lot of protocols in his office. But then he will send me to a lab to get my blood drawn, and the waiting of that lab gives me anxiety in the best of (pandemic) times.

            I’m in CA so we’re just now coming down from the surge. I think I will ask him if I can delay the labs for a few weeks.

          2. If he’s just proposing things, then I wish he’d proposed better ventilation, sick leave policies that allow people to stay home from work when sick, and K12 accommodations for the household members of people who remain high risk.

            I don’t know why he completely left out the existence of babies and children too young for vaccines or the antivirals he listed. I worry about the <2s in my family who really do rely on other people's masks!

  12. I like Casetify bands. I have a floral one from there that I switch out from the silicon Apple one whenever I want to look a little more put-together. I bought my brother one of their leather watch straps for Christmas with his initials monogrammed on it and it was a very successful gift choice.

    1. Agree their bands are nice, but very confused on he comments in the original post about the sizes. While the face sizes have trended up, there have only ever been two band options – the same one fits the 38/40 size watch, and another for the larger size. So literally all the bands are available, regardless of how old the watch is.

      1. I assumed she was saying that she had the larger watch but the cute bands were available only for the smaller size.

        1. I guess I’m missing something since every band I’ve ever looked at was available in both sizes.

  13. I missed this morning’s thread about taking kids on vacation during the school year and want to add a perspective that was not explored. As someone without children but who pays a substantial amount of taxes to educate other people’s children, I think it is completely appropriate for their attendance to be required. Of course I think there should be rational flexibility — a child with a chronic illness, approved extra-curricular activities/professional or semi-professional pursuits, or a true family emergency where there is no backup child care — but privileged parents who think they can just willy-nilly pull their kids out at their own whim because “Italy is mobbed in the late summer and besides, early May is the only time anyone should ever go to Capri” make me ragey. I am paying a lot of money to, theoretically, create an educated younger generation. You don’t get to decide to partake part-time just like you shouldn’t get to decide what the curriculum is going to be. If you disagree, you can home school or private school your kids. Period. Otherwise, well kids should be in school when it is in session. Summer and all the other breaks are plenty long for you to do all the enriching travel you desire and can afford. I encourage it.

    1. I hope you were this ragey when schools didn’t even bother to open for the 2020-2021 school year. Your tax $ and mine just flushed down the toilet.

      1. It’s just my opinion. Public school attendance should be mandatory.
        The closed school thing was a very specific emergency situation and we were all working on limited and developing information. I was impressed with how much innovation schools showed on a dime and how much work people put into things like getting meals to kids and getting tech into kids’ hands very quickly. I am sure there were a lot of failures along the way. I was aware of some myself. If I thought it were a practical solution, I would have preferred all the kids be held back a year, but I know that wouldn’t work in the way I’d like it to and it wouldn’t apply in any equitable way.

        1. Bwahahaha if you think anything schools did was innovative or successful. It was a huge disaster. It would have been terrible just to give up and hold the kids back a year, but what actually happened was nearly as bad.

        2. Public school attendance IS mandatory, just not always enforced (I know when I worked in a public school, there was ONE truancy officer for the entirety of our suburban county. It was really up to each school to enforce).

      1. Hahahahaha :). Pugs, hope this week is shaping up to be better than the last one.

    3. School is a 13 year project, with 180 school days each year. I think a little flexibility is in order here–parents do a lot to make schools successful, and an occasional (not annual) vacation is not a deal breaker.

    4. It doesn’t bother me as a taxpayer, but I think it’s inappropriate because of the burden it puts on teachers. In our district when a student misses a whole week, the teacher has to prepare individual materials for the kid to do while they’re out, and spend a lot of time working with the kid on those materials before and after the trip. Of course, weeklong absences are inevitable in some situations (illness, major family life events like funerals or weddings), but I think it’s really selfish for parents to create more work for a teacher because they want to see fall foliage in Vermont in October or enjoy uncrowded Italian beaches in May or whatever. A lot of people on the morning thread brought up athletics, but missing a half day or even a full day here or there (even if it adds up to the same total amount over the course of a year) is much less disruptive and doesn’t create the same amount of work for the teacher. I also think missing an entire week of school can be really tough on kids, unless they’re well above average academically. In our district, K is not really academic, it’s kind of a pre-K review for the kids who didn’t do pre-K, but from 1st grade onward I think many kids who aren’t super bright would really struggle to catch up from an entire week of missed schoolwork. And yes, I know travel is educational, but it’s educational enrichment. Kids still have to learn basic reading, writing and math skills, which going on vacation does not help with. The time for enrichment in the form of travel is over school breaks. I say this as someone whose parents traveled many places with me, and who travels a lot with my own kids.

      1. It really doesn’t take much time to learn reading, writing, and math skills. It takes a ton of time to teach it over and over so that each kid hears it when they’re ready.

        1. I disagree. I’ve had to do make up work with my elementary age kids when they missed school for a family funeral. It was a ton of work and took up about half the week and my kids still felt behind for a bit when they returned to school (which is a big deal for kids who struggle with self-confidence related to school – feeling behind can have negative effects even if they aren’t actually behind). Maybe it’s different if your kids are way ahead of their peers (mine are good students but not gifted or super advanced) but I think there are many kids who would have a tough time missing an entire week of school, even in elementary.
          It also just sounds miserable to me to go on vacation at a time when your kids are going to have all this makeup work to do. If I haul my kids all the way to Europe I want to spend my time sightseeing not sitting in a hotel room arguing about homework packets! Just seems like a completely miserable way to spend a vacation to me.

    5. If you live in my county, you sure aren’t paying very much to educate all those children.

    6. Yes the occasional week of school I missed growing up to visit my parents home country were definitely a disaster. They prevented me from getting a colelge and masters degree and having a high profile public sector job.

      1. OP Here — Of course individuals can recover from missed school. I, myself, was regularly out of school, sometimes for extended periods, for a variety of reasons. Until it got to higher maths, I had success in school despite the absences (though making up a week of missed work while doing regular work, at a time and place when school was challenging and involved a lot of homework was quite difficult nevertheless and I and my grades certainly suffered for it). But the policies shouldn’t be made for the exceptions. The rules should require kids to be in school when they are well. There should be small limits on unexcused absences. Parents should not get to willy-nilly make their own rules about attendance just like they shouldn’t get to willy-nilly get to make up their own curriculum for their publicly-educated kid.

    7. This is super dumb and you have way too much rage about something that really doesn’t even impact you. A child doesn’t suddenly become uneducated because they spent a week at Disney World instead of sitting in a classroom.

      I hope you have this much rage for how your tax money is used when it comes to the military industrial complex.

    8. I promise you this is not the biggest problem in your local school system. If you are concerned about your tax dollars at work, I welcome you to talk with local parents and teachers and learn how you can support them in advocating for a more equitable, quality school system.

    9. Sweetheart, you are not paying nearly enough taxes to dictate anybody’s behavior like this. That’s also not at all how taxes work.

      1. I am not dictating anything myself. The system is. And the system is set up by the people to educate the young to a certain level about certain things. Just like if you want a cut-through where one doesn’t exist, you can either buy up the land and build a private road or you can go the long way on the public streets like everyone else.

    11. People going to Gstaad to ski more or Florida for the horse season aren’t going to public schools.

      1. You don’t have to be going to Gstaad to pull your kids out of school. It’s very common in my town for Disney and beach trips.

    12. What in the world did I just read? I grew up lower middle class and people pulled their kids out of school for family vacations all the time. Usually a week, at most, to somewhere in driving distance. Many could NOT afford a vacation during the busy season. Should that mean they don’t take vacations?

    13. I am childfree, so also pay taxes for “other people’s kids,” and do legal work for many major public schools. Trust me that someone going to Capri for a week during the school year is the least of things to worry about concerning public schools.

    14. What’s the word for “I know best for everyone”? We’re feeling a lot of that here today, aren’t we?

      FWIW, I’m childfree and pay a ton of property taxes (so I’m paying for public schools) and I don’t give AF if you take your kids on a vacation during the school year. It wouldn’t be my choice and isn’t my experience of normal – I found it fascinating that so many posters this morning were cool with vacations during the school year. My parents planned all dentist appointments around inservice days, so we didn’t even miss for appointments, let alone vacations. So I think it’s weird you can’t plan it around the many days that the kids aren’t in school, but whatever – you do you.

      1. My mom taught school, so we never went anywhere (too expensive / crowded when it was vacation time). My sister had a baby and my mom waited until the next school break to see her. I hate to see that much dedication to a job where no one else seems to care and sometimes your family needs you to not be at work all the time. It’s a bad deal for teachers, too (in our area, teachers have to pay for their substitute teachers, something like $50 a day IIRC), plus, you might get a bad review for taking personal time vs medical emergency type leave.

    15. Are you also a butts-in-seat manager? Just wondering, because it’s the same mentality.

  14. I think I’m coming around to Chelsea boots. It’s February, so I’m a bit late, but I want something to wear with straight-leg pants that’s not flats that I can wear socks with. How late into the year do you wear them? I get probably that they aren’t summer shoes when the weather is stinking hot and humid, but will I look silly wearing them in the spring? I’m not finding any loafers that my feet can wear sockless or any no-slip foot liners that stay put, so while I’m theoretically on Team Loafer also, it would be easier to stick with my flats at this point (or Rothys).

    2. For me they are year-round shoes.
      I loved the Sorel Harlows I wore out last year. I replaced them with Blondos which are fine, but they have developed the WORST squeak.

      1. I love love love my Thursday Chelsea boots. Get lots of compliments. And I am not a person with good shoe game.

        1. I also love my Thursday Chelsea boots! I’m seriously considering a second pair in another color.

    4. I wear mine all year around… but I live in Scotland where we also wear black tights all year around.

  15. I’m in my late 30s and over the past six months or so, have really started “feeling my age.” I’m sure some of this is getting older, but I suspect that most of it is because I am frankly just moving less and my eating habits have taken a bit of a nosedive. While I do walk a fair amount each day, my cardio/ST workouts are…non-existent. I would love to hear some happy anecdotes from the group sharing ways you’ve successfully gotten off your sofa and back into a regular exercise routine and how you feel: more energy? better sleep? Fewer aches? Just looking for some motivation here. TIA!

    1. I’ve taken to walking outside during the day on a nature trail close to the house. I actually get up during the day, leave my house, get in my car, drive the 5 minutes to the trail, and walk. It’s a great mental break and I do have lots more energy and feel more alert. Plus I don’t get the schlubby – “I haven’t left the house in a week” feeling.

    2. I am a huge proponent of getting back into exercise. I was always a regular exercise person, then my dad died, and I was traveling every week for work to very unglamorous locales and got depressed and into a rut. I was so out of shape and felt horrible.

      I now exercise every day, at least a quick 20 minute workout, usually longer. I have weights and gym shoes in my office to squeeze something in if I didn’t get a workout in at home. I am not a gym person, so I do workout videos, weights and walking on my own, etc.

      I have been consistent over two years now. Major improvements are my cardio fitness – I can tell a huge difference. Also muscle definition, posture, energy and just feeling good. I went from thinking do I have time to work out today, to how to I get a workout in today. You won’t regret it!

    3. 4-5 times exercise each week is a reliable way to prevent my sciatica and lower back pain to impact my sleep and enjoyment of life. That’s my motivation!

    4. I quit 95+% of my driving and do my errands, commuting and socializing on foot or on a bike. I’m in a car-dependant southern city, so these aren’t trivial distances. The extra time spent vs driving is negligible thanks to crappy road design that keeps drivers sitting anyway, and my fitness is much better than when I exercised separately from errands/activities of daily living, since it’s all stuff that needs to get done. I can’t “not have time” to get to work like I don’t have time to work out after work. I feel all-around well and energetic. I’m 44, for what it’s worth.

    5. I fall on and off the exercise wagon a lot. But now that I’m 45, with Rheumatoid Arthritis and extra weight, it’s even more critical that I exercise. After not working out for about 3 months, I started back again last week. After 5 workouts, I already feel much better. My joints ache less. I’m sleeping better (and I need less hours). And my mood is elevated. Bottom line: a little effort goes a long long way when you “feel your age”.

      1. High Five, in a gallows kind of way, from another RA sufferer. How do your feet and knees do with working out? I really haven’t in ages.

        1. I’m a Peloton rider so my knees don’t take too much impact (I have control over resistance/out of the saddle work). But my left foot is a different story. My 4th toe has hammered significantly and I’ve been putting off having surgery (flexor tenotomy) but it’s becoming dire. I make sure I have plenty of room in my cycling shoe for it to be comfortable.

    6. About the same age and avid exerciser — Peloton, OTF, personal trainer, etc. I’ve done just about everything (except F45) and spent a s**t ton of money so happy to give you my thoughts.

      My biggest tips are:
      (i) find something you love doing. For me, I first worked with a personal trainer, but then I branched out to some group fitness classes and fell in love with spinning (at the time, in studio). I honestly can’t believe how much my cardio endurance has improved.
      (ii) calendar it with someone else to make you accountable. I have been seeing a personal trainer for three times a week for 8 years (started when I turned 30). This forced me to think about it as an item on my to-do list and know I was letting someone down if I didn’t go.
      (iii) figure out if game-ifying it helps you. On the Peloton app (which is ~$12/m I think if you don’t have the hardware), it tracks every day with ‘blue dots.’ It gives out badges. It tracks your minutes. The whole game-ifying it works well for me. I think the Apple watch does this too (closing rings) but I don’t have it.
      (iv) give yourself some grace. It takes a lot of time to learn work-out-y things. I love using the Peloton app because I can pause it, work through moves, etc. I love my trainer because she really just wants me to exercise to be mobile at 65.

      Good luck!

  16. Russia has a doping problem. So it’s not in the Olympics as Russia. And now its athletes get to dope and compete? I get that the skater at issue today is a child, but childhood is the relevant window for when competing matters. And if you can dope your child skaters all the way to gold medals, why would people ever stop? If you ban them at 18 or 21 or 25, they probably aren’t even skating in competitions then. [Or why not have everyone dope then since there is no penalty if you are <18?]

    1. Agreed. Kami is a child who was failed by the adults around her, and it’s unfair to other athletes to let her compete. Both things can be true. And it’s f-ed up that Russia’s shenanigans have deprived the US and Japanese teams of their team medal ceremony. I am so sad for the US team medalists (especially Knierim/Frazier, Chock/Bates, Vincent Zhou and Karen Chen, who won’t have individual medals) for being deprived of their Olympic medal ceremony.

    2. I was so confused when I heard the news this morning. She can compete but no ceremonies? What? She was doping, but she’s a minor? It’s all strange and unfair to those who follow the rules.

      1. They are letting her compete pending a complete investigation and holding off on awarding the medals until that is done. The timing of this is very weird. The test is from December but it’s announced 4 days into the games? She’s also been tested at the Olympics and hasn’t been found doing anything. I would think that after we all have been through the fun of false positives, etc., we would appreciate that one single test may not be the most conclusive!

        1. “The skater, Kamila Valieva, already considered one of the top athletes in the sport, was found to have trimetazidine, a banned heart medication, in her system, according to a statement Friday from the International Testing Agency. The drug, which is not approved for use in the United States, is believed to improve endurance by helping the heart work more efficiently. “

          1. Ok. I can do this too and I can quote sources (New York Times).

            “Valieva, whose positive test for a banned heart medication from a urine sample taken in December was revealed late last week, is heavily favored to win the women’s singles competition, which begins Tuesday and concludes Thursday. If she finishes in the top three, neither she nor the other medalists will receive the traditional flowers, medal or moment on the podium. Nor will the Russian team receive its gold medal for winning the team event last week, in which Valieva starred….”

            “In its decision, which was released Monday afternoon in Beijing, the panel said it had “considered fundamental principles of fairness, proportionality, irreparable harm and the balance of interests” between Valieva and the organizations seeking to bar her. Also, it noted, Valieva was a minor and did not test positive at the Beijing Games, though she could face penalties when her case is examined after the Olympics.”

            “The International Olympic Committee said in a statement that it would conduct “dignified medal ceremonies once the case of Ms. Valieva has been concluded.”

            “[The panel did not] consider the question of whether Valieva was guilty of knowingly using a banned drug. But it did question the timing of the events, saying there were “serious issues of untimely notification of the results” — a nod to the unusual six-week delay between the submission of Valieva’s sample and the return of the positive result nearly four days in the Games, and after she had finished her first event.”

        2. Re: timing, it apparently took a lab in Sweden a long time to process it. Russia may have been trying to cover it up too, that would hardly be shocking.

          1. That’s not an explanation. And she’s presumably had numerous other tests before/since.

      2. The resolution, or lack thereof, of this case was the dumbest thing ever. Let’s ruin the Olympics for every skater by letting her compete but not allowing any medals to be awarded if she medals, which of course will happen barring a total disaster.

        In this case, to me the equitable solution seems to be to allow her to compete and win medals but ban her coaches and trainers and anyone else who had access to give her the drug. There is disagreement over whether and how much this drug really advantages the athlete, she tested clean at the Olympics itself, the earlier sample’s processing was mysteriously delayed (whose fault is that?), and she’s 15.

    3. I don’t understand why they allow minors to compete at all if they won’t apply the rules to them.

    4. I agree this ruling is the worst of all possible outcomes. I also really, really just want to give that poor girl a hug. I think she probably has resting Russian face, but she always looks so miserable.

    5. I just how people who used to follow Barry Bonds around with * signs follow her and her coach (who seems to be a big part of the problem also). Doping robs the other skaters of fair competition. The only way to stop people is a lifetime ban. Full stop. This one seems to be particularly fishy.

    6. I’m a cycling fan so believe me when I say that this kind of ridiculousness is par for the course with respect to the patchwork of federations and doping control entities. Whatever the cause of the delay in the results, this is a terrible outcome when it comes to confidence in clean sport (which had rebounded some in recent years).

      I haven’t seen mention of this anywhere, but presumably they’re going to test her B sample – that should settle this pretty clearly.

  17. I know this board has talked about this a bit, and I also know that this is an obnoxious line of thinking so I”m not sure how to vocalize it in real life. I’ve been dating a guy who I have great conversations with, he’s a great cook, has a well-decorated apartment, gets along with his family, my friends met him recently and got along with him. One thing that I just keep thinking about is that he is not at all as professionally ambitious as me. He’s college educated, employed, but its not a priority to him.
    It’s definitely my mothers thoughts and expectations in the back of my head. I guess I’m thinking that long term he-and-I will not have as much money as my friends who married lawyers/doctors/finance people. I’m trying to get at why I think thats a problem – I think its the semi-immigrant mentality, or at least what my parents and honestly family friends think, that you should focus on making money to protect you against the roadbumps of life. Or that this difference reveals something else about your outlook on life. Of the 4 weddings I’m invited to this year, the couples are computer scientist-doctor, doctor-doctor, doctor-doctor, and accountant-computer scientist.
    He’s perfectly supportive of my career. It’s fine if I would be the “breadwinner”, so to say – no one thinks twice if a man marries someone who makes less than him after all.
    Am I just being elitist? Are there some actual possible problems in here that I would feel more comfortable if I worked through?

    1. What if he were your second husband and your first checked the boxes but made you miserable? And then people were just happy that you were happy? Or if you were a widow? In your 20s, stable + a good job should be the win it is later on in life. Tell your mother: I am happy with him (but be honest: are you letting some drama life rent-free in your head to the point where you can’t be happy with him with rich friends right in there with you?).

    2. This is super judgey. Have you ever lived with a partner before? I’d take cooking skills and basic adulting over career ambitions any day.

      1. “Basic adulting” is a low bar tbh. I want to date and marry an adult, so yes, they better have adulting skills.

        2. Basic adulting is actually not really that low of a bar when it comes to straight men…

          1. Or I guess maybe it’s more accurate to say it’s a low bar but not easy to find people who exceed that bar.

      3. If it’s a problem for you it’s a problem. No right or wrong. Low ambition was a deal breaker for me always.

    3. He has a solid career, but isn’t gunning to be CEO? Or is it something else? It’s hard to say without knowing the situation, but a stable if unexciting career is protective of road bumps. For example, a boring government job probably is something you can count on for life.

      It might also be worth examining what you want the extra money for – early retirement, vacations, having the option to become a stay at home mom, being able to hire a second nanny and a chef because your partner isn’t ever home to contribute in those ways?

      1. He has a job but is not committed to a particular career and sort of wishy-washy about it. I would be more than fine with a government job, that’s a great deal.
        I want money to be able to pay for childcare etc, vacations, and not have to worry about medical expenses that inevitably come up. For example, I can certainly support myself on my salary the way I would like to live, and maybe could support a partner, but definitely not also kids (which we both want). My salary is somewhere between 1.5 – 2x his.
        I think money gives you enough balance to be able to make decisions – not to stress over ordering grocery delivery, being able to switch jobs if your boss is insane, hire a cleaning person if you’re the poster upthread,etc

        1. If he’s supporting himself and doing OK you’ll be fine. For what it’s worth, I am the high earner in my relationship and make more than twice what he makes. I always just kind of assumed that I’d marry someone who made as much or more money than me, but it didn’t work out that way. It’s still been perfectly fine – together we have a great income and he more than supports himself. The power of combined incomes is a lot more than two individual ones. If he’s been steadily employed I think you’re on good footing.

        2. If you feel you can’t support a child on your salary (highly unlikely unless you’re very poor) why aren’t you trying to get a higher paying job yourself? I guess I don’t understand why this is a him problem when you admit your salary won’t support your lifestyle with the kids you say you want.

    4. Is he content or is he unambitious? There’s a difference there. You could learn to adjust your thinking about the first; the second breeds disrespect and that’s the kiss of death for a relationship.

      I’m in a job I never want to leave. I have my JD and work in a JD-preferred job…and get paid very handsomely to work what in reality works out to less than 40 hours per week. I guess some people might consider it unambitious that I’m 40 and never, ever want to leave this job, never want to move up, never want to do more. But I’m happy with what I make and my job is interesting, so I see nothing to chase. See where your SO is on that.

      1. Well your job sounds great, I wouldn’t ever want to leave it either. It’s interesting, good hours, and you’re paid well. I don’t care about not wanting to get promoted. He’s ambitious and focused on other, non-work things, and I recognize that so I don’t think I’m being disrespectful, but he’s not interested in being that way for work.

      2. Any way you could provide a generalized overview of the JD dream job? Asking for a friend….:)

    5. Does he make a sufficient income to support himself and help support a family? There is a big difference between someone who doesn’t make enough to pay rent and someone who just doesn’t make 6 figures.

      If so, my advice is to get over it. A profession does not need to be the most important thing in life and, having seen up close what the “successful” biglaw attorneys are like, they don’t make enough to compensate for that life. Most of the male partners I know used their jobs to avoid seeing their wife and kids. I would pick someone who has time and interest in spending that time with my and our family over someone who is going to work all the time.

    6. Sounds like the problem is your mother’s expectations and how they have bled into your own life. So definitely things to work through, but not in terms of the man you are dating.

      If you are that worried about money, find a job that pays you more. Single you will definitely make less that two doctors. And remember income changes – in two very high income couples I know, one unexpectedly lost their high-powered banking job and ended up going to work for less than half their prior income, and the other (a dentist) had to go on long term disability after a medical issue nobody could have expected.

    7. You get to decide the deal breaker in your own love life. Think through those financial implications without guilt.
      Personally, my minimum requirement would be that he makes enough and cares about work enough to sustain himself, even if that is at a different standard of living than my preferred choice. I don’t want the pressure of being the true breadwinner.
      Also, I find passion an attractive quality. If he’s not too invested in climbing the ladder but has a meaningful job, or hobby or is into hanging out with his family, any of those could check the passion box for me.

      1. +1 – you get to let this be a dealbreaker. I find a lack of ambition completely unattractive and never respected men like that. So I didn’t marry one. His ambition matches mine and makes for a much better partnership for us. There’s nothing wrong with it. Others make different choices and value different things.

      2. It is also that – I don’t want the pressure of being the true breadwinner either, and never thought I would be in that position. From the fact that he has his own apartment in a major city (as do I) it definitely does seem like he can sustain himself though.
        We are passionate about the same topic/hobby, which is lovely.

        I also have tried to date people with more interest in climbing the career ladder, men like who all those friends are dating/marrying, and generally found that it didn’t click. Other people say “my lawyer husband never cooks or has free time” and maybe I would prefer “my non lawyer husband cooks very well and does have free time”

    9. I married someone less professionally ambitious and we actually have the same job for the same comfortable salary. If anything, I’ve learned to dial back on the ambition and just enjoy my actual life. He’s retiring very early this year and is great at maintaining the house, shuttling and scheduling children, etc. I think it will be amazing to have a family manager full-time. I am not good at it, so it works out well that it will be him.

      FWIW, when we were both the most ambitious in our careers, we were in a very unhappy spiral of whose-job-is-more-important-today whenever a kid got sick (which was all the time). It’s a terrible way to live and sucks the oxygen out of a marriage. We always had to take turns in whose career took priority and it was very stressful.

      Before you write him off for a lack of ambition, think of who you want by your side when a kid is barfing at 3am or you get an awful diagnosis or your parent is dying. I promise you, you won’t care what that person does for a living. You’ll care that they are reliable and compassionate and, ideally, can help you laugh even when the world is kicking you in the shins. That’s unrelated to ambition.

      My two cents. I’ve seen comments from others prioritizing ambition in previous posts. Neither perspective is wrong, but it’s something to think about.

      1. Reading through all this I’m realizing that him understanding my ambition is more important than him having ambition. I used to think that a guy also had to be ambitious to understand my career interests, but maaybeee that’s not the case.
        Like two layers will understand why the other is working late, but someone with a much less demanding job might not get it as much.

    10. College educated, employed, good companion, cooks, keeps a nice home? And you want him to also be a careerist?

      I’m not sure it’s reasonable to expect all of that. Also, I’m here to tell you that if you plan on marriage and family, having two Big Careers makes everything a lot harder, unless the careers are so big they allow for three shifts of childcare including doing all the driving and doctors’ appointments and so on. My first husband was an elementary school teacher and although there were a lot of things wrong with that marriage, I never regretted being married to someone with regular hours while I was busting my butt to make partner in the law firm.

      But. If you are going to think less of him because of this (which it sounds like maybe you are), then you owe it to him to set him free so he can find somebody who will appreciate him for the gem he is.

      1. Well I am also college educated, employed, a good companion, cook, and keep a nice home. And career-focused. I don’t disagree that he’s a catch, but its also not impossible.
        What you’re saying about not having two Big careers makes sense.
        If I really was going to think less of him I wouldn’t have dated him at all – I know the family/friends I mentioned wouldn’t have. I also know that I am different from them in many ways. I’m just balancing what I’ve heard and seen from them with other perspectives.

      2. I have several friends who plan on leaving their current business careers and becoming elementary school teachers when they have kids – they can’t imagine not working but they also don’t want to be climbing the corporate ladder with kids. A few of these friends even minored or double majored in education with this as part of the plan. I will not be doing this but if I could find a man to marry who does this I think it’d be perfect!

        FWIW, my mom is a teacher and as a kid having a teacher parent was really awesome (except when she taught my friends!)

    11. There’s “not ambitious” and then there’s “not ambitious.” Accountant but not Big4? Aint’ nothing wrong with that. Living in mom’s basement and it’s not b/c he’s saving up for a downpayment on a house or her primary caregiver? Nope.

    12. This is my situation, although I met my husband at 19 and didn’t really think too much about future earning potential. He was 25 and making around 60K. When we married, I was 25 and starting as a first year associate in big law. Ten years later, I’m at a smaller firm but make 3X as much as him. He does more of the childcare and home stuff and has more flexibility. The biggest issue to consider is whether you want children and would want to stay home with them for any period of time. Most of my friends work part-time or not at all but I can’t do that without sacrificing our lifestyle because I’m the primary breadwinner (he makes around 100K now). While I’m so proud of my career, sometimes I’m a little sad/jealous of my friends. This isn’t really a situation of professional ambition in our case. My husband has a graduate degree. He’s just not in a very high-paying field and we’re in a small-ish city (where we both grew up so these friends are from 20+ years).

      1. I would want kids but really wouldn’t want to stay at home with them for a long period of time. This is what I’m trying to think about – not feeling too sad/jealous of my friends now or in the future.

        1. I would like to play tennis. Which requires another person. Even with “working women’s” USTA leagues are at 6 weeknights, which is crazy b/c I can’t teleport to the courts. I’d like to be 3/4 time, which is more realistic as a time signature than a thing otherwise going to happen in my life :(

          1. Sign up to be a sub. It’s free. They will call and if you can, you go substitute. If not no issue.No commitments.

    13. I tell my friends all the time that you can have whatever dealbreakers you want, but you have to accept that they might limit your dating pool (and that in order you get trait A, you might have to give a little on trait B). So, if being ambitious in a career is a priority for you, then run with it.

      My personal view on ambition and careers/education is that you only need to make enough to support the kind of lifestyle you want. If someone wants to be a ski bum but is happy living a simple life, more power to them. If they’re a ski bum but also want to drive a luxury car, then they’re going to have to make a change. It’s quite possible that you meet someone you click well with, but they’re okay living with 3 roommates and living off of rice and beans while you want an apartment in a luxury building and nice meals out – that’s probably not going to work.

      I personally view happiness and fulfillment as crucial parts of a career. To me, they’re equally important as the salary. I grew up with a mom who was a teacher and a dad who was a mechanic. They both loved what they did, but were never rich. They were fine with giving up pricey vacations to do what they liked. They’re also both in careers where they’ve held the same position for their entire career. But, they were happy,, they had good work-life balance, they made enough to support a family, and they had the lifestyle they wanted (home for family dinner every night, coached our little league teams)

      Personally, I’d rather have a parter who is happy and likes their job but isn’t married to their job. I agree with a previous post that passion is attractive, but I’m definitely attracted to people who have a passion outside of their careers. If there’s no passion or ambition about anything, that’s a red flag for me. It sounds like he has cool interests, so I think he’d check this box.

      I work in a really niche field that I find fascinating and exciting and I love what I get to do every day. Even so, to me a job is a job and nothing more. I will probably try to get promoted in a few years, but I like my day to day so I’m in no rush. My job is stimulating and interesting, but I get so much more joy out of my out-of-work hobbies. Honestly I feel like I lucked out because I have a job I’m interested in and enjoy doing, I make enough to support myself and then some, the work I do is meaningful and helps people, BUT I also work 40 hrs a week tops and have plenty of time for hobbies and friends and other parts of life.

      1. This is very helpful, thanks. I completely agree with happiness and fulfillment being important parts too. I haven’t wanted to actually date anyone working in finance or law who actually doesn’t like their job in the end.
        At the same time, while I don’t want to live in a luxury building, I definitely want nice meals out. Right now I can do more casual things with him and go to nice meals with my friends, but that may not be doable if we get married.

    14. When I met my husband he didn’t have a college degree. He was partway through one taking one class at a time, mostly online. (Early days of online Ed). It just hadn’t been important in the field he was in. But meeting me changed his perspective on education and now he has a BS + masters degree. He has never out-earned me but has always had a good job with good benefits and regular hours (which was key once we had kids because my career involved long hours and travel.)

      That said, this gets to be a deal breaker for you if you want it to be. Everyone is different. The slovenly man in the post above would be more of an issue for me.

      1. The messy guy in the post above would be a much bigger dealbreaker for me. Unless he turns out to be like the uncle someone commented about who immediately tightened up his act.

    15. Not sure if you’ll see this, but just chiming in to say that you’ve basically described my husband here, and I am constantly reminded in talking with my friends in doctor-doctor, lawyer-lawyer relationships that a HUGE reason I have been able to be as successful in my career as I’ve been is because my husband has been happy from day one to take a backseat to my career when it comes to his, and actively wanted to be the primary parent. My ex and I would have in theory made more money, but seeing him shove all the childcare onto his wife and her career take the hit, I’m not sure I would have been able to even keep any job as a lawyer had I had kids with him! That said, we can 100% afford for my husband to completely take a career break while the kids are small, which has a slightly different impact than if we were a household that needed two incomes to pay mortgage/etc. We’ve been happily together for almost a decade, moved across the country and while it definitely took a lot of conversations around money/career/family priorities along the way, I would not trade him in a heartbeat for someone who cared more about his career. That being said – the job that he was in when we got together did mean he was paying his bills and a responsible adult on his own, and is in a field where there’s little risk that him taking a career break will impact his ability to go back to work (which he plans to do, but not with any kind of burning ‘passion’ for the work) when the kids are older. Being with him has also been really healthy for introducing some perspective into my work-life balance, as it’s so easy to fall into a bubble that BIG JOBS are necessary or somehow important on their own, and he’s a refreshing reminder a lot of the time that most people do not care about V10 firms even one iota.

    16. The fact that you would be ok with a man who works a low level government job that doesn’t utilize his degree makes me think this is less about ambitions or prestige and more about finances. So re-framing it as a question about finances rather than ambitions might help. Financially speaking, you will almost always come out ahead with a partner, even one who earns less than you do, because you save so much money on living expenses when you share a home with another person. It might also help to keep in mind that your choice isn’t between this guy and an equally great guy with a much higher salary. It’s (currently, anyway) between this guy and being single. Perhaps a great guy with a higher salary will come along in the future, but there’s no guarantee of that, especially since you say you haven’t liked the guys with Big Jobs that you’ve dated in the past.

    17. I’m also team you get whatever dealbreakers you want, and also, learned through many years of trying to force things with “perfectly great guys” that if it’s not a F^cK YES, it’s a no. It’s not really about his career ambition, something isn’t clicking completely here. It could be a misalignment of life goals, a lack of understanding, a hunch that you’re on different pages. Be picky, be judgey and yes, limit that dating pool. If your end goal is married, that’s easy to do. Compromise on everything and you’ll quickly pair up. If your end goal is a fantastic relationship with a real partner who’s the perfect person for you, listen to your instinct.

      1. Plus a million. Friend, I was there in this exact relationship. I do think of that guy very frequently, not in a wistful way, but in a comparison with my current life because we did love each other very much. In contrast, my husband and I make almost exactly the same salary. We are on the same page with our values (for our careers, family life, everything). The money is not everything, but the peace of mind that comes with waiting for my comfort zone rather than being uncomfortable with a mismatch of ambition, etc., is everything. You are smart enough to know when there is a mismath. It’s no one’s fault. But this is not the match for you.

        All that to say: I promise you a good match is out there. And being single is better than a mismatch.

    18. I’m in a similar situation. My bf is great but he doesn’t make a lot of money and didn’t go to college. We have had many discussion about it and he’s very understanding, but I guess the main reason I’m ok with it is because I’m not the type who has to have children. If I had kids I would want to afford part time help, save for college, retirement, maybe their first beat up car, etc. I don’t want to be an exhausted parent because I can’t afford to outsource things. I also can afford to support myself and my salary is expected to increase throughout the rest of my career but I can’t be the sole breadwinner. I think you should try discussing future plans and goal with him and see if they align with yours. I don’t think your concerns are shallow or elitist. It makes sense to want to be with someone who has a similar vision for the future.

    19. I am very career oriented and married to a partner that is not and I love it. Weirdly he does still make more money than me due to our industries, but he also works fewer hours and cares a lot less about his job than I do. He likes his hobbies, hanging out with friends, he does daycare drop off/pickup and makes sure there’s dinner on the table every night when I come home from my stressful job. He takes great care of himself and our house. He doesn’t get stressed when our kids are being loud or obnoxious. If someone has to pick up a kid in the middle of the day or there’s an unexpected emergency, we switch off roughly 50/50. Even better, being around him for 20 years has given me a greater appreciation for life outside of work and achieving, and he sets a good example for me to take better care of myself, relax, enjoy my life and have good relationships with friends.

      I think the real question is, could you imagine yourself becoming more like him? Couples inevitably become more alike. For me I am always hoping some of his chill easygoing vibes would rub off on me. From what you’re writing though it sounds more like you don’t want to be more like him…

  19. Do any of you work in a world where your boss entertains subordinates – has them over for formal dinners at his/her house, a la Richard and Emily Gilmore? DH’s boss has just invited us to such a dinner at his house with another department head and his wife and it feels so forced / 1960s / mixing of public and private. I’ve met the boss’ wife once before at a company softball game, and she and I didn’t click, but were fine, and now we’re going to their house (an hour’s drive away!) to make small talk through an entire meal? Oy.

    Am I just being weird? Is this (still?) a thing, having dinner at your boss’ house? Is it a misguided attempt at company morale? I like my boss, but why would I socialize with him on the weekends if we weren’t genuine friends? That’s why it feels like an intrusion to me – you own me M-F 9-5, I’m my own person Friday night to Monday morning.

    1. Ugh sounds awful. But it also sounds like it’s part of your husband’s company culture so I guess you have to suck it up.

      Reminds me of the time I was a summer associate back in 1987 and I tried to turn down a similar invitation to a partner’s house by saying I had an 8-month-old baby at home, and they said “oh, bring the baby along!” Of course that was out of the question so I moved heaven and earth to get a babysitter and then we showed up and they were all “Oh, we were looking forward to seeing the baby!” Ugh.

      1. Since when is a dinner invitation to someone else’s home by someone with whom you have daily contact intrusive?

        1. Because you can’t decline, because it makes it weird for those who find out and didn’t get invites because it opens the door to wondering if people are advancing (or being let go) because the aren’t part of the clique that is personal friends. Weirder still if it is someone who reports to you and they are in social circles with your boss. It is intrusive as well once spouses are in the mix and relay personal info. Just left a boss at such a place, and believe me that it was anything but morale building. It also made leaving much more emotion filled than it should have—to the point I worry about a reference now because of perceived personal slight. Just ick all around.

    3. I have never had anything but positive results from getting to know my colleagues in a personal (and platonic) way. I really don’t understand the resistance. You don’t have to be best friends or pour out your soul, you just have to be a polite and gracious guest once or twice a year.

      1. Agree! Although I may be biased because I have a female manager and all-female team. But she has talked about having us over for dinner and I am really looking forward to it!

        1. Same. The only meals I’ve had with any coworkers have been expensed. I’d love to work somewhere where people took more than the required minimum interest in me. When they have (worked for a judge one summer as an unpaid intern), it was amazing for opening my eyes and helping me plan a future for my first-gen self and no one seems to GAF about this sort of soft mentoring and just being a good older fixture at work anymore.

    5. That sounds awful and I would dread it. Yes I’ve had bosses who do this but it tended to be something like a holiday party for senior direct reports, separate from the larger all-staff holiday party.

      Don’t get me started on the boss who decided the holiday party was so much fun, he also did a mandatory summer pool party at his house. Minefield!!

    6. My husband still lives in this world. I think I’ve been to dinner with each of his supervisors (three different relocations at least that many supervisors).

    7. In NY biglaw and I’ve been invited to dinners at partner’s homes or restaurants with +1s several times. I thought they were fun- even if they weren’t, I would have gone because it was good for my career

    8. Every good boss I’ve ever had has been very careful and clear about the boundary between employee and friend, with no after-work interaction or socializing of any kind. I’m uncomfortable with blurred lines, so I’d hate this.

      1. It’s not a blurred line to have dinner at a dinner table and conversation. You’re not invited to an orgy or a key party and if it turns into that, you can politely excuse yourself for the rest of the night’s activities. Dinner is likely to be good — might as well go for that.

        1. Right?!? I don’t love small talk with colleagues either but some of these reactions sound like the boss invited them to an orgy!

    10. Been to boss’s house for meals with colleagues and it’s fun. Many times, spouses are invited for work dinners (no one cares if they can’t make it, but the vibe is that we’d love to see your families who support you in your career)…has always been fun.

    11. Yes it is still a thing. My boss invites his direct reports to his house at least once a year for a one-on-one dinner with spouses/live-in partners. He rotates through all of us (I hope for her sake his wife likes to entertain).

      Honestly the idea that your works only gets you from 9-5 Monday through Friday is incorrect in any professional setting I have ever worked in. There are all kinds of after hours and weekend work. Sometimes that is actual work and sometimes it is socializing with colleagues in a “get to know you” way. I find the push back you are getting here really strange.

      The only person in my office who is excused is an Orthodox Jew who keeps kosher. (And instead they meet at a nice kosher restaurant.) Everyone else goes and is – as far as I can tell – happy to be invited and have a boss who cares about us as people. It is a great opportunity for him to get to know us and for informal discussions. It has also led to some real opportunities I have a work friend whose wife was from another state and made it pretty clear she was only in LA because of his job; a year later a client in her home state was looking for a new GC. Guess who got the call and asked if he was interested?

  20. FWIW, when my spouse were both the most ambitious in our careers, we were in a very unhappy spiral of whose-job-is-more-important-today whenever a kid got sick (which was all the time) or an opportunity came up. It’s a terrible way to live and sucks the oxygen out of a marriage. We always had to take turns in whose career took priority and it was very stressful. If anything I’ve learned to temper my ambition and focus on loving my actual life as I have it, and I am a very happier person. He’s tempered his so far he’s retiring at 50 and taking over family and kid management and I am PUMPED.

    Before you write him off for a lack of ambition, think of who you want by your side when a kid is barfing at 3am or you get an awful diagnosis or your parent is dying. I promise you, you won’t care what that person does for a living. You’ll care that they are reliable and compassionate and, ideally, can help you laugh even when the world is kicking you in the shins. That’s unrelated to ambition. Yes, we all get to decide what matters to us, but we also get to change our minds.

    My two cents. I’ve seen comments from others prioritizing ambition in previous posts. Neither perspective is wrong, but it’s something to think about.

  21. How do summersalt suits fit and function? I’m long torsoed and a toddler mom looking for a second swimsuit for the pool this summer. Are they worth the money? Pricier than my usual suit but look trendier and more flattering

    1. I can’t speak to Summersalt but I’m a fellow long torso and have bought my LT suits from J.Crew in the past.

    2. Those are cute. I can’t speak to them but have had good luck in the past year with long torso suits from Andie swim. I have the Sardinia in 3 colours and it’s quite cute on! They are about 30% less than the Summersalt ones I think.

      1. I bought two Andie suits. They’re so cute, but I hate how cheeky they are. It wasn’t as noticeable when I tried them on; the problem became more apparent in my real-world test. Andie’s definition of full-coverage differs from mine, lol. Curious whether it’s a me-issue, or if others have noticed it as well.

    3. I don’t have a particularly long torso (other than the fact that I’m tall), but I love my Summersalt suit. Fits well and I find the quality commensurate with the price.

    4. Long torso here. I tried the one-shoulder style and ultimately returned it because it flattened out my chest too much (don’t have much there to start with). However, it fit beautifully otherwise. No tugging at all, which never happens, even with other brands of long-torso suits. They are really cute suits. I’ve seen a few women at my neighborhood pool wearing them and they look good on everyone.

    5. J Crew “long torso” one-piece suits didn’t fit at all, too short. I just bought bikini separates. The “high waist” bottoms still ride a couple of inches below my navel, but the rear coverage is better than with “slip” style bottoms.

  22. Re: the dealbreakers convo

    One of my guy friends went on a second or third date with a woman he liked a lot. They went to a restaurant and had a great meal, then she agreed to come back to his place. His place was a two bedroom apartment (with a roommate) and each bedroom had an en suite bathroom. Those were the only bathrooms.

    He and the woman were making out and he suddenly felt the signs of intestinal distress. They were in his bedroom with just a flimsy door between the bed and his bathroom. He thought about trying to run to his roommate’s bathroom, then thought about sending her out to the living room, but ended up not having time for either. He then proceeded to have a long, noisy, bathroom-destroying session with his crush sitting just on the other side of the door.

    They’re getting married next year. Bless her, I think I would have headed for the hills!!

    1. Oh man I remember getting the beginning of food poisoning at my now-husband’s apartment. I thought he would have ditched me so fast, but now he’s the frequent pooer and we’ve been married more than 5 years :)

      1. Lol, my then-casual datee and now-husband once absolutely destroyed the bathroom in my small 1BR apartment following some bad sushi. Just made it unlivable for a good while. I summed up my reaction as, “Well, got that out of the way.” It didn’t hurt to remove the fanciful notion that neither one of us had intestines early in the relationship.

    2. This reminds me of the part in The Big Sick where the girlfriend wants to run out to do an “errand” in the middle of the night because she doesn’t want to use the guy’s bathroom.

      1. And the scene in Sex and the City when Charlotte and Harry both get food poisoning.

    1. I have to admit I laugh at the phrase non-alcoholic wine (isn’t wine without alcohol just…grape juice?) but I’m also super curious about the Countess’s “fosé.”

    2. I tried a few during pregnancy. Sadly, my answer is no… but NA beer is great!

      1. +1.
        I’ve gone down this path a few times and it just seems that there’s not.
        Agreed I can’t tell the difference between NA beer and real beer, so that’s what works best for me.

    5. Navarro has awesome, not too sweet, grape juices in addition to it’s regular (high quality) wines. The juices come in wine bottles.

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