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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Knit Jersey Wrap Top

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This knit jersey top looks like it could be a workhorse this winter. The faux-wrap style is super-flattering and the jewel tone is great for perking things up when the weather starts getting dreary. I would wear it to work with a pair of black ankle pants and a winter-white blazer. It would look great for a holiday party with a sparkly black skirt and some gold jewelry. The top is $99 at Talbots and available in plus sizes 1X–3X and plus petites X–3X. It also comes in black. Knit Jersey Wrap Top A similar top in straight sizes is this faux wrap knit top from Bobeau, which has many color options. Note from Kat: This stretch cotton jacquard suiting is on sale at Brooks Brothers and would make a great option for summer and warmer climates. The color is “black-navy” and it comes in petite and regular sizes 0-16.  This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 5/16/25:

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

339 Comments

  1. Good morning. I am looking for a website blocker for my Mac. I am finding that my productivity has been tanking and I think that would help. My job requires a fair amount of online research and viewing of webinars. Therefore, I need a new tactic rather than my preferred method of turning off the computer.

    2. Block Site works well for me. You’d need to add it to any browser you use.

    3. I use StayFocused.

      However I learned I can get around it by using an incognito window on Chrome. Oops.

    4. try Freedom. you can also set a specific list of “distracting websites” to block (so you can access the ones you need, like webinars etc). I use that + forest on my phone, although freedom will also block your phone.

    5. the forest app also comes as a browser plugin, it combines a pomodoro-style timer and you can blacklist websites.

  2. I have a Delta Platinum Amex, but would like a second credit card, mostly for traveling abroad, where Amex is often not accepted. Do you think Chase Sapphire Preferred would be a good second card, or does it replicate too many of the same benefits as my Delta Amex (i.e., travel rewards rather than cash back)? If you have a recommendation for a credit card you really like, please share! If it matters, I have a very good credit score, so would likely be approved for almost any card. Thank you!

    1. The Chase Saphhire Preferred is a very good card, but I would skip it in your case. I think it’s better to get a card with no annual fee, and keep using your Amex for as many purchases as you can. This will consolidate your benefits with Amex (whose benefits you seem to already like), but also give you felxibility overseas.

      I’d get the Capital One Venture One card (the Venture has an annual fee, but the Venture One does not). It has no foreign transaction fees. The benefits are OK, but you probably won’t use the card so much that it’s worth it.

      2. +2. I have a Chase Sapphire Reserve and love it but I think it’s duplicative if you have an airline card.

    2. I love my Citi Double Cash card. You get 2% back on everything. No categories to keep track of, etc. You can redeem for statement balance credit or a check. So easy.

      2. Afaik, Citi double cash charged a foreign transaction fees, so won’t work so well for international travel.

          2. Thanks! I actually have the Reserve and love it! I had “Preferred” in my head from the post above, I guess…

        2. Maybe, but there’s no annual fee either. OP should do the math on whether the (small) foreign transaction fee outweighs the annual fee of another card.

    3. I have the Delta Platinum as well and also use the Costco Citi card. I wouldn’t get it if you don’t have a Costco membership, but last year I got $450 cash back. I’m currently at $310 – there’s no annual fee, no exchange rate fee, 4% back on gas, 3% back on restaurants and travel (hotels), 2% for costco purchases, 1% for everything else. The restaurants one is huge, especially when traveling.

    4. I have the Am*z*n visa. No foreign transaction fees and you can use it at Costco, plus lots of cash back/points at Am*z*n.

    5. FWIW I’m obsessed with my Capital One Savour card – unlimited 4% cash back on dining and entertainment, 2% at grocery stores and 1% on everything else. I don’t like those rotating cashback cards since it can be hit or miss if some of the categories apply to you (don’t have a car so cashback for gas is worthless for me, for example). I got it before there was an annual fee so that doesn’t apply to me and that’s something to take into consideration, but they also have a free version that’s unlimited 3% cash back on dining and entertainment, 2% at grocery stores and 1% on everything else.

      1. Also – no foreign transaction fees and super easy to use abroad. Just wore it out all over Italy :)

  3. What’s on your desk or in your office that makes you happy? Looking for ideas to spruce up my very bland cubicle. I generally like to keep my workspace very professional but I’d like to add a few small things to make it a little less bland.

    1. A plant! Bonus points for plants that are good at filtering the air, such as pothos or ivy.

      1. This will all out me to anyone in my office so anon for this! I have a Sill membership and they get delivered to my cube! I also have pictures of my animals, some art made by artists with intellectual disabilities (through a gallery that provides workspace and showing space for the artists), and a Sloth calendar.

      2. I work in a dark hole, but my office neighbor has some amazingly realistic artificial foliage on her desk, and they really brighten the place up. Apparently fake plants have come a long way from the neon green silk ferns my gram had in the 70s.

    2. I like to bring in fresh flowers every week. There’s a farmers market every friday by my office so I’ll grab a $5 bunch and it makes me happy.

    4. I have a collection of 3-D printed items that my husband made for me, along with an expensive bubble wand that is referred to as the magic wand of making things work.

    5. My desk is kind of a mess right now, but I have one of those tape dispensers that’s a black high heeled pump and a floral stapler and a pink sparkly calculator. I also bought lamps for my office to use indirect lighting. Artwork helps as well.

    7. I printed out the very colorful transit map of a town I used to live in and put it in a cheap frame. Everyone always asks about it. I love it.

    8. Timer cube – where you physically place the minute countdown facing up – it helps me stay accountable for my mental breaks
      Wooden carving from my favorite vacation spot
      Pictures
      A GIGANTIC mug covered in my dog’s face
      Fake flowers for some color

    9. A few years ago, I entered a photo I took in a photo contest and won. My boss had 2 versions (the actual photo and a close-up) of the photo printed on canvas for me for Christmas. Those pictures hang on my wall and make me VERY happy — first, because they are reminders of the first photo contest I entered (I’ve entered others and placed), and because the photo was taken along the river at my family’s camp and it’s my absolute most favorite place in the world. Since my office has no windows, they’re the next best thing.

      1. I love this! I have a purple faux suede loveseat and matching throw and an ottoman right outside my office. We call it our napping couch.

    12. I have a little 8 by 10 canvas print of a piece of fruit that I got a TJ Maxx. Makes me smile whenever I see it.

      1. I read this as you took a picture of a piece of fruit you got at TJ Maxx and had it made into a canvas print.

        And I don’t even have the excuse that it’s early in the morning.

    13. Picture of my cat and picture of my boyfriend and then a couple of inside joke-y things from coworkers.

    14. A ton of plants, mostly real but one fake orchid. A few family photos. My brother got me a magic 8 ball for Xmas one year and I used to keep that on my desk. Visitors got a kick out of it.

    15. I have a brightly colored wall, which is the biggest personalized feature in my office. The building was renovating the suite right before my firm moved in, so they permitted us a custom color as long as we agreed to pay an extra something ($500?) if we moved out sooner than 5 years. My firm agreed (and wasn’t planning to move any sooner). I love my bright wall!

      Other than the wall and a colorful rug that belonged to my husband but didn’t work well in our home, I have scales of justice that I bought myself at an antique store early in my law career, a framed photo that used to hang in my dad’s office before he retired, and a few items (mostly pottery and souvenir type items) that clients brought back as gifts for me after their first trips abroad after receiving their green cards. In some cases, my clients had been living here for 20+ years without status, so these trips were their first time seeing parents and extended family in decades. The souvenir items are fun and add personality to my office, and it reminds me why I do what I do.

      After typing all that out, I realized that I’ve personalized my office quite a bit over the years.

    16. I have a little planter in the shape of a corgi that was a gift to me from my boyfriend’s son. I’ve put a succulent in it – so far I haven’t killed it!

      I also have a very nice collage frame with pictures of my friends, dog, and family in it.

  4. I am looking to be a first-time home buyer soon. I am coming into this blind. We are looking to purchase a house in the 200-315 range. We live in a suburb of St. Louis, so LCOL. I’m not sure how the real estate market is here. Just looking on Zillow there are homes that have been on there for awhile, but then other homes disappear pretty quick. How much do I need to put down? I know everyone says 20%, but can we get away with less? If we put down less, will that affect our chances of having our offer rejected? It will take us about a year to get that 20%, but I’m wondering if I find my dream home and I only have 5% saved, will that work? We both have high credit scores.

    1. I think a lot depends on the suburb (or area of the city.) Are you looking in “desirable” school districts, or does that not matter? Is there a preferred highway you’d like to have easy access to? Are you trying to be close to a particular employer? Do you have a realtor? Move-in ready or partial fixer-upper?

      A mortgage broker could answer your down payment questions, but I’d emphatically recommend a realtor. If you could name the suburb (or just give the letter it starts with, if you’re wary) I might have a recommendation for a firm.

      I’m a native and have bought three houses here, most recently, four years ago.

      1. Thanks for your reply. I’m on the Illinois side. Both my husband and I work in Illinois, about 25 minutes from STL, so we’d like to buy in that area.

        1. Oh, sorry then! I’m afraid I know nothing about Illinois. But everyone else’s advice here looks good!

    2. 1) Find a realtor (feel free to interview a few) and talk to them about the area you’re looking to move to. People generally like their realtors, so it’s easy to get a recommendation. However, generally realtors have areas they specialize in, so if there’s a certain company/person whose signs are all over the area you want to buy in, start with them. They’re more likely to have the inside track on houses that will be coming on to the market

      2) Talk to a few banks and a mortgage broker about your finance options, then get pre-approved. With a proper pre-approval letter you won’t lose the house based on your financing structure (you could lose to a higher offer, and all-cash offer, or something else, but your downpayment won’t be the deciding factor). Pre-approval is more common in my area (DC) than in some other less competitive areas, but it’s good to know where you stand with financing before you fall in love with something.

      That said, if you’re looking at a $200k house and have only $10k saved, maybe wait a bit to buy and make sure you’ll have savings left over after you buy the house. Things break, and houses are expensive.

      1. Lots of people don’t have the full 20% saved – unlike many of the super high incomes on this board, it takes an average person a very long time to save multiple tens of thousands of dollars and frankly it can be a dumb financial decision if you it’s hard swing rent + several extra hundred a month but can easily afford a home.
        Most people I know went in with 3-10%. You’ll get PMI (which might be an extra 50-150 a month) or a slightly adjusted interest rate (.1-.4%).

        1. Yes, but if something expensive in a home breaks, the owner needs to come up with thousands of dollars very quickly.

          Maybe if rents are abnormally high compared to mortgages, 3% down makes sense, but we learned in 2008 that getting approved for a mortgage is not the same thing as being able to afford to own.

          1. We went into our last purchase with less than 20% down specifically because we knew things break and there was a strong possibility of having to do immediate, expensive repairs (and we were correct; washing machine, garage door spring and door opener broke in the first two months we owned the house). We put 10% down so we could keep some money in reserve for repairs. Putting 20% down not only wasn’t necessary to get approved and get a great interest rate, it would have made me nervous about cutting into our cash cushion that much.

            OP – just make sure that whatever you put down, you have about $5k left over for immediate repairs after you move into the house. The 20% down number is left over from the 1930s when mortgages were a new thing and bankers just picked that number as a “reasonable” down payment (anyone can look this up). There’s no data-driven explanation for that being the the “right” amount for a down payment. Any mortgage broker will tell you that if your credit is good, you can put down between 3 and 10 percent and while you may have to pay PMI (which is a gigantic racket IMO, and should be legislated out of existence), the numbers will still probably work out in your favor over the long run. Our PMI is $65 a month on a $2500 PITI payment. Not anything I’m worried about. Very few people put down 20% any more and this population on this board – both in terms of income and in terms of real-world, real-person approaches to money – are not representative of most people’s experiences.

        2. OP said it would take a year to save 20% – that doesn’t actually seem that long. Just remember that the down payment affects how much you have to borrow, which affects how much your monthly payment is. Just make sure you are running the numbers to know what your PITI is for 5% down vs 15% down vs more. If you can save 20% in a year, I say wait for the 20%. If it would take you 3-5 years to get to 20%, then maybe it’s worth it to go now.

          But know that buying a house costs more than just the down payment. Closing costs, home inspection, moving costs, new furniture, any work to complete before move in, covering rent on the current place, etc.

        3. You’d be surprised – If you have a have a high enough credit score, you can get away with 10% down with no PMI depending on the lender (I did it). If you think it’ll take a year to save 20%, I’d save that much, but in the meantime, start looking – it can take a while to figure out what you do/don’t like, and time is your friend there.

    3. Find a great local real estate agent. They will take you through the market specifics, as well as talk about what’s available within your budget. You can offer 3% down. In my market (HCOL), that makes your offer look weak and risky vs. someone with 20% down. If your market isn’t as competitive, that might not be as big of a factor.

    4. Greetings from the Lou! Your first consideration here should be location generally (i.e. city, The Grove, Westplex, SoCo, St. Chuck, etc.) and then schools. From there you can do some preliminary shopping on-line (the C.B. Gundaker site is good for this) to figure out what reasonable price ranges are for what you want in your given area.

      I agree with AnonSTL that using a realtor that specializes in your preferred area is good if you are going to use one (I did not use a realtor on my last purchase, but The Hubs and I both are attorneys) because the networks here are strong and lots of sales in desirable areas are done between brokers at the same firm. In my neighborhood, about a quarter of the sales get under contracts before properties even go “on the market”.

      Around here, a large percentage of the selling goes on in the spring because people want to move in early summer. You certainly can look now, but your choices will be fewer. We had more success scouting in the winter and then going all in right around April, but YMMV if you are set on a particular neighborhood.

      In terms of money down 5% is possible (potentially even with an FHA loan), but 10% would be better and 20% gets you out of PMI, which is a waste of money. I know that a lot of people plan to deal with PMI by paying down and getting a reappraisal, but my best guess is that we are headed to an economic turndown and if that happens, it will be more difficult to pay out of PMI.

      My suggestion is that you talk with a mortgage broker to evaluate options. I like Jeff Greige at Paramount and have done many refis through him (rode the last cycle pretty far down, bought current house and then refinanced multiple times ending at a 15 year mortgage at 2.5%). He is full service (we close at my office, so nice!) and a lovely guy.

    5. Start going to open houses. You will get a feel for the general market, neighborhoods and for what you want in a house, and potential reasons for why certain houses don’t sell (ask the person showing you the house!).
      Start working with your bank on talking through the financing.

      Join Nextdoor to see what’s going on in certain neighborhoods, and start asking your friends and colleagues for their experience with buying a house,

    6. Look around for a “First Time Buyer” seminar – local real estate agents hold them. They’ll help you understand the process so you’ll feel more confident. When you’re ready to buy, engage a buyer’s agent who will help you understand comps and make sure your offer is competitive but not outlandish. Remember that both the Real Estate Agent and the Mortgage Broker will look at your income and expenses and may assume a threshold of “what you can afford” that feels too high for you. Stick to your guns if you’re not being shown houses that you’ll feel comfortable with payment wise.

    7. I do not reside in that area but recently sold my house and purchased a new one. You should talk with your bank or a mortgage broker about financing. If houses sell quickly In your area, it is helpful to have your financing in order so you can compete. A good realtor will help you figure out what is common in your area for down payments. I live in the DC area and did not put down 20 percent on my new house.

    8. As someone so novice you need a good realtor and a good mortgage broker. They can answer all those questions because all that is super specific to your finances and area.

    10. regarding down payment and PMI: please shop around at different banks, especially when you’re in escrow. National Bank had a doctor program that did no PMI for doctors with 5% down, (the qualification for “doctor” was broader than just MD) and then we took that offer to a local bank who beat it by eliminating lots of up-front fees/costs and also doing up-front PMI. National Bank then came back and reduced its fees too to make its offer better, so we stayed with them. There was also lots of back and forth on the rate too. If you can get a conventional loan instead of FHA, that will make you a more attractive buyer, especially if looking at older homes,which can be huge in a tight market. Shop around for home insurance too, they won’t really negotiate, but rates vary a lot.

  5. Has anyone here completed a triathlon? I can barely ride a bike (literally) but am thinking about training for a triathlon. I’m confident that with training I can handle the swim and the run but the bike is what scares me. I’ve felt for a while like I need a big goal to work towards though and this definitely would be a big goal. Is this a crazy idea? Is it possible to become a good bike rider as an adult?

    1. I have! I cannot recommend Team in Training highly enough. They have training programs for cycling events and triathlons. There is a fundraising component, but it’s not so high as to be unmanageable and it’s for a great cause. I found the coaching/equipment assistance to be invaluable, and the team support to be so fun. Check into it and see what you think – I don’t think you’ll regret it.

    2. You might want to look and see if you can find an indoor triathlon at a local gym. I did this many years ago and it was an amazing experience. Swam in the pool, biked in the spin room, ran on the treadmill. I chose this option because I wanted to challenge myself physically but I was not invested enough in the sport to buy all the gear.

      1. I would consider that for training but it sounds miserable for the actual event. I get that some people don’t like the outdoor component as much as I do though. OP you can totally do this! Just go for it.

    3. I did this! Bought a secondhand road bike, went for a few long rides with friends, did a few sprint triathlons, never really got very good at clipping in, have since retired to focus on distance running. My greatest accomplishment during my one and only Olympic-distance triathlon is that I managed to eat shot blocks and drink from my water bottle while riding my bike, without falling off.
      I second the indoor triathlon – sometimes local gyms will do them in the winter. They’re definitely different from the full outdoor summer-triathlon experience, because you’re not doing an open water swim with a mass start. But they are still a good way to challenge yourself physically without a big commitment.

    4. This is not a crazy goal. You can do it! I did this last year, and now I regularly do sprint triathlons. For me the bike comes easiest – swimming was the hard part. Triathlons are great in that way because everyone has a least favorite event, and therefore something they’re always working to improve on no matter their overall time.

      A couple of tips:
      – Look for a local triathlon club. They can be a great source of support and information, particularly for first-timers.
      – A local tri club can also provide advice on the best local races for first timers. Some people prefer smaller races because it can be less intimidating; in other places, the smaller races have reputations for being disorganized and clubs recommend a larger, more organized race.
      – Are you somewhere with intense winter weather? There’s a ton that can be done on an indoor trainer to build cycling skills while the weather is bad. There are some dedicated triathlon bike training programs, but even just regularly going to a spin class is a good way to get more comfortable with the bike.
      – I’d give yourself at least 6 months to train for your first triathlon. I’d spend the first two months focusing on strength training and any preventative exercises (ie if you know your ankles cause you problems with running) and easing into the cardio; after the first two months shift towards more intense cardio training. There are detailled training plans available online. Don’t dismiss the role of injury prevention though!
      – If you do some digging (again, your local tri club may come in handy), you’ll find plenty of triathlon coaches out there (as well as swim coaches that specialize in tri swimming, etc). It might be worth doing a couple of sessions with a triathlon bike coach to get you started.
      – In terms of bikes, there are generally three types of bikes you’ll hear about: mountain, hybrid, and road bikes. Mountain bikes are very heavy and designed for rough terrain rather than speed. You’ll see very few mountain bikes at a standard triathlon. Road bikes are very lightweight and designed for speed – these will be most of the bikes you see at a triathlon. Hybrid bikes are a mix of both – not as light as a road bike, but speedier than a mountain bike. If you have very little experience riding a bike, I’d recommend a hybrid bike as your starter bike. They’re a bit easier to balance and maneuver than road bikes are.
      – To get a bike, go to a local bike shop. The employees will be well-versed in the bikes and should be able to answer all your questions. Explain that you’re looking to buy your first bike, and that you have a goal of using it in a triathlon but also you’re still building bike skills. I would recommend buying a new bike – this is much more expensive than buying used, but it takes a while to learn to evaluate the condition of bike to make an informed used purchase. You can always sell your bike to upgrade later.
      – The gear you need to buy first is cycling shorts, a helmet (if biking outside), a basic bike maintenance kit (the bike shop can help you out here ) if you buy a bike straight away, good running shoes, a swimsuit, goggles, and a swim cap. For race day, you’ll need a race outfit (you can get a tri suit for about $40 on Amazon, but some people just wear quick-dry shorts and top) and a race belt to clip your number onto. Depending on the water temperature, you might want a wetsuit as well. There are good wetsuit rental companies online, but if you think you might do more than one race it’s better to just buy the wetsuit and resell it later if needed.
      – There are a lot of extras one can buy for triathlon training, but they’re not necessary. Examples include cycling shoes (if you’re doing a sprint triathlon, it’s probably better to just wear your running shoes to save time in transition). You’ll see a wide range of participants and gear at races – as long as you have the minimum for safety (helmet, good running shoes, something to wear) you’ll be fine.
      – Now is a great time of year to buy tri gear because it is the end of the season and everything is on clearance. In spring, everything (including bikes) will be more expensive.

      1. I think this is all good advice, I will make one caveat – if you’re going to do a lot of cycling indoors over winter and outdoors on the bike for training, get basic cycling shoes. I started with SPD clips and basic shoes – they will work on both indoor spin bikes and as an entry into clipping. They put your foot in the right position for the best efficiency and posture, and you get the most out of every full rotation. Road clips are more intense and not necessary. If you decide you like cycling longer distances long-term, they do give a larger platform to pedal from, and you can upgrade later. Running shoes are cushioned and make the balls of my feet hurt. They are very inefficient while cycling, and it’s easy to get your foot out of proper position.

        Also, get your bike (and shoes/clips) fit. Many bike shops will offer a package that includes free bike fit with a new purchase – take advantage, right away. I bought my road bike new but didn’t make it back for a fit for a year, during which I was experiencing a lot of piriformis issues and some knee pain. Once I got the bike fit (bought a longer stem and they made several small adjustments), all of that went away.

    5. Lots of good advice here, so I’ll just add this: If you’re doing a sprint tri for fun and not because you expect to win, think of it as a 90 minute(ish) workout. IME that takes some of the stress out.

  6. So my dermatologist and I finally pulled the trigger – I’m starting isotretinoin. For those of you who have been through this, what products did you love? I’d like to preemptively get things so I can (try to) stay on top of the dryness. Thanks in advance!

      1. +1. I kept it everywhere – travel tubes, big containers. And I applied it to (what seemed at the time to be) everywhere.

    2. That’s accurate right? Carmex for the lips – a tube or a tub everywhere (purse, car, desk,bedside), preservative free eye lubricant drops, and a big tub of CeraVe lotion. Slather the lotion liberally all over your arms, legs, and trunk the second you dry off from a shower. Repeat the legs before bed.

      2. +1 for CeraVe lotion. I have the dry skin/acne formulation, and it’s the only way I can survive Canadian winters, especially while on acne treatments. I also apply “Blistex Lip Medex” like it’s my job. I recommend buying multiple of those and just leaving them everywhere you may need (one for each purse, office, bedroom, bathroom, etc.). Good luck!

    4. I finally did this at 31 and… why did I wait so long?? Truly life changing for me. I can’t believe the improvement in my self esteem.

      Aquaphor, little tubs of vaseline with cocoa butter for your lips, really rich hand cream, and true cream (not just lotion!) were my friends.

    5. I’m not sure if it is a good idea with retinol, so maybe ask the derm, but I have been loving the Biossance 100% Squalane oil as a moisturizer for really dry skin. Also, Weleda Skin Food in the “light” version. This is highly scented, so it may not work for you.

  7. I know this means nothing and it’s just weird brain stuff, but… in the last 2 weeks I’ve had romantic dreams about random male friends.

    I have a great marriage, am absolutely not attracted to these guys, but I almost feel… unfaithful? The dreams were just so vivid!!

    Confessing to a group of internet strangers to lessen the weird guilt that I had when I woke up with my wonderful husband in our happy home… after a wild dream about an old coworker.

    1. I feel you. When I first started going out with my BF but wasn’t gardening with him (took a few months as I’m old fashioned), I had a weird romantic dream involving kissing a female friend. I’m pretty sure I’m straight. The mind is a funny thing.

    2. This happens to me all the time. I’ve always had very vivid dreams on all subjects and I’ve dreamed (more than once) I’ve hooked up with my high school boyfriend and college friends. I have no idea why and am happily married. When I actually saw the HS BF in person again at our reunion, there was no attraction whatsoever.

    4. I read somewhere completely unreliable that romantic or sexual dreams about people you know are really dreams about wanting to be more like them in some way. Even though I am completely unconvinced that are dreams tell us things, I still try to approach those dreams as a learning experience about myself. Do I want to be more professionally successful like that dude? Do I want a speedboat like this dude? I figure it can’t hurt, and it definitely helps take some of the pressure of a weird experience.

  9. Random question about a home maintenance/improvement item, since the community here has been so helpful in the past. I live in a condo on the top floor and we recently had to replace our roof. In addition to replacing the shingles, the roofing company needed to replace 10 sheets of plywood, mostly above my unit. They also added some sort of weather proofing barrier between the shingles and the plywood which previously did not exist. However, the roofing company didn’t have any additional information to share about the condition of the attic or the insulation in the attic with respect to water damage. The problem that I have is with my ceiling drywall–i have nail and screw pops everywhere, visible drywall seams, and some areas of discoloration where there was likely water damage. There are also a few spots where it looks like water damaged areas were patched. Because the roofing company didn’t really give a clear picture of the problem, the HOA won’t pay for the ceiling repair to my unit (the other upstairs units are fine). I can’t think of what else would have possible caused the damage to my ceiling drywall like this, and all of my online research isn’t really yielding good explanations. This is all ok (I guess), but my question is around repairing the ceiling. I am researching drywall contractors in my neighborhood, but am wondering if anyone has had a repair like this completed before. I am trying to get a sense of time commitment and level of inconvenience. Thanks in advance!

    1. I think you need to go back to your HOA. They simply don’t want to pay for it but what else could have possibly caused leaking damage on your ceiling? And just because leaks didn’t occur in other units doesn’t mean they didn’t occur in yours. They’re being stubborn.

    2. Nail pops and seams are normal and can be due to shrinking/expanding. They often occur after the 1-year warranty expires. Discoloration is not normal and may be due to leaks.

    3. There are contractors who do visual inspections and identify damage. Typically their reports are used in real estate deals (seller is putting a new roof on my house as we speak…), but maybe it would give you formal documentation to use againtst the HOA?

  10. I’m unexpectedly heading to New York Monday. I have morning meetings, then 4-5 hours free in midtown before going back to the airport . I’d love to get some workwear shopping done. Does anyone have any recommendations for stores that aren’t available in Canada / smaller centres? Looking primarily for wool sheath dresses, maybe a couple of fun blazers, likely maxing out at $500 a piece. Option to other big 4 appropriate pieces, standard sizing.

    1. I’m not sure about wool but you could make an appointment at mm lafleur in Bryant park.

      1. I second this recommendation – fellow Canadian who had a great experience at my appointment there a few weeks ago!

    3. Also in Toronto and when I’m in NYC, I check out MM Lafleur, Of Mercer, Cuyana, Bloomingdales (there’s a great Hobbs section)

  11. I’m painting my place and considering doing a darker accent wall behind the headboard in my bedroom. But I’m worried that accent walls are a dated look. Thoughts? Also, my kitchen is pretty open to the hallway, with an island in-between so the doorway is basically like 8 feet across. Would it be weird to paint the kitchen a different color than the hallway?

    1. It’s not dated but it is trendy. But it’s also paint. Paint it back if you don’t like it!

    2. IMHO, accent walls are a dated look that were never that great when they were on-trend.

    3. I don’t care for accent walls but paint is a low-risk trial-and-error if you decide you don’t like it! (Unless the accent wall would be a super dark color that would be hard to paint over.)

      Hallway – I think it would look BETTER to be a different shade than the kitchen, but you’ll want the colors to go together; perhaps a different shade from the same swatch for a tone-on-tone look?

    4. I think plain painted accent walls are kind of out, but I’ve seen a lot of on trend wall papered accent walls with modern, usually ethnic or geometric print with some metallic accents. But I’ve only seen this work well when the wall is “set off” in a way. For example, my home is set up where there is a floating wall essentially in front of the stairs, there is another wall behind it that the stairs/rails attach to and three other connecting walls. The floating wall looks stunning as an accent, but I would not have done that if it were a random fourth wall.

          2. I think the feedback this one poster is giving you is that she is more woke than you are. You have not come in first in the very tiresome wokeness olympics.

    5. The good thing about paint is if you get fed up change it! I’m considering grey walls with a white accent wall behind the headboard for a change. You could do the walls all one colour and hang something interesting instead?

    6. Rule of thumb I have is to paint a different color to define a space (like the kitchen) or to highlight a feature. In your case you’re highlighting the headboard. To make it feel a little less dated, you could just paint the bottom 2/3 of the wall, or something that looks proportional to your head board – that would highlight the headboard even more than doing the whole wall.

      If you had a big bank of windows on one wall, you could consider painting that an accent color – you are highlighting the windows, and since they take up so much space, the volume of the color used is less.

  12. I have a “what would you do” question about medical records. At a recent doctor’s appointment, the nurse asked me how many drinks I have in a month, and I said “seven.” I noticed later that she put it down as seven drinks a week.

    My general philosophy on medical charting is that chasing errors is an exercise in futility, but this one is making me pause. For a healthy woman to drink seven ~5oz. drinks in a week doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me. On the other hand, I know the rule of thumb is that patients significantly under report alcohol consumption, and I don’t think my doctors would smile upon a lot more than seven drinks in a week given other health conditions I have (not to mention meds I often take). And I wish stigma weren’t a factor, but my sense is that it probably is, since my doctors really push healthy lifestyle choices in general.

    My plan is to let it go and to make sure I communicate successfully next time. I think I’m happy with this plan, but I wondered what others would say, and if anyone has more experience or knowledge about charting errors or how seriously anyone takes the answers to these kinds of routine questions.

    1. I have never, ever seen a doctor or nurse position the computer so that the patient could actually see what they were typing. They are always very careful to hide their charting from the patient.

    3. That “rule of thumb” is really annoying for those of us who are honest about our drinking. In any case, I would just correct it at next visit as you said.

    4. I would call and ask them to correct this. I’d be concerned it would affect the prescriptions or doses your doctor gives you.

    5. I would just bring it up next time you are there. The nurse or doctor will have the info in front of them anyway, and they can change it.

      I had a similar incident. At my Primary, I had answered the drink question with 3 a week. The nurse put in 33 a week. The next time I was in the doctor actually asked me about it!

    6. if your doctor’s office supports a patient portal of any nature, there’s usually an ability to add a comment or question for the ‘care team’ or whatever — so you could at least note it there in addition to having it corrected “live” at the next visit.

    7. Health care worker here.

      I would have had the nurse change that live. It’s easier then and there than making it “look” like a big deal at a later visit, or bringing that come up in a medical evaluation later. No matter how you bring that up later, the information is so trivial and routine to them, the fact that you remember to mention and insist on correcting that will be the only thing surprising here.

      If THEY ask you again, say no, it was a mistake, I have approx. 7 beverages a month. Otherwise leave it, because they’ve already forgotten about it.

      Also, the rule of thumb isn’t problematic for people who honestly report their consumption. 7 drinks a month won’t usually earn scowls and lecturing, especially given that many health care professionals may drink more than you (male, female, and other).

      It is more so useful for people who “have” substance use issues and associated risk factors, and are trying to minimize them. This is not the majority of the population. As such, there are very little reasons to sweat it, especially if you are a reader of this blog.

      1. What does “especially if you are a reader of this blog” mean? Folks here are unlikely to have alcohol or other substance abuse problems? That seems…naive.

        I generally agree that I would have had it changed in the moment. There was a post yesterday, maybe on the moms group though, about insurance using a self-reported THC use to deny coverage. I don’t know if you think it’s unlikely that insurance would get this info (I was surprised they had access to it in the THC case), but seems like to the extent you are giving them any info, all the more important for it to be accurate.

        1. Naive and inaccurate. Professional women have high rates of binge drinking and alcoholism.

        2. Just to be clear, this was only visible to me at the end of the appt in the appt summary, so I missed any chance to correct it live. This particular office has a computer screen that faces away from the patient.

        3. Super inaccurate.

          Signed, longtime reader of this blog earning more than $300K, with a drinking problem.

        4. Thanks for the confirmation (& sorry). Was particularly concerned that this assumption was coming from a health care worker.

    8. Thank you for the reassurance that this is perceived as trivial and is fine to let go! I will stop overthinking this. I did appreciate the “3” vs. “33” story though.

      1. … unless you’re applying for life insurance soon, in which case have it updated. We’re going through it now and, my god, the things this insurance company has access to and has asked questions about is insanity.

  13. My company wants to interview me as a “featured employee” for a social media (FB) campaign. The company, while small, has earned an excellent reputation, so being identified as working here should be to my benefit.

    My concern is that I have an amorphous, sui generis role that would map to parts of several unrelated jobs. I’ve been thinking of leaving because there’s no internal employee development structure (or much in the way of resources here) so that I could get myself on a path developing skills to work somewhere else. It’s unlikely, but someone who could help me find a position elsewhere might see the interview.

    What should I consider in doing this interview? Thanks!

    1. I think it’s a great thing if you’re looking – companies don’t tend to feature poor performers, it’s basically an ad for you.

      2. To maximize your flexibility in job hunting, try to work multiple aspects of your role into the conversation, or at least those that you enjoy and would want to continue doing at a new employer. The fact that you’re chosen to be featured is basically an endorsement from your current employer, so it’s great timing.

  14. Can anyone recommend a resume writer?

    A friend who has been out of the formal workforce for nearly two decades would like to give/discuss work and volunteer history with someone and have that person write the resume as opposed to just having someone review and make suggestions. Not in a major city so needs to be something that can be done remotely. Thanks!

    1. Have this person look for returnship support groups or services, which will be good at this kind of resume and the coaching that has to go along with it. iRelaunch is a good example.

    2. I don’t have a specific person, but the Ask a Manager website has tons and tons of tips on how to write resumes, including for people with gaps.

    4. For more advice, see the book “Your Turn” by Jennifer Gefsky out new this month. She is founder of Apres Group (found on the web with that name). They advise returnees and have coaches/advisors. I wouldn’t be surprised if they have resume writers or can refer your friend to one who is well-versed in the return to work after a time away.

  15. for those of you who are close with your siblings, do any of you have parents who are not close with their own siblings? i guess i’m wondering anecdotally how much does it matter for your parents to set an example with their own siblings in order for you to be close with your siblings.

    1. Not at all. My sister and I are close, my parents speak to their siblings perhaps twice a year.

    2. Based on my anecdata, there is no guarantee that a sibling will be your BFF for life even if parents are very close to their own — and siblings that are close in age will often be a squabbling mess as children (particularly so if they are the same s3x) but have the best likelihood of close adult friendship beyond just sibling love.

      What I do think is influential is how parents treat relatives that *aren’t* their favorites – do they put them down, avoid them, etc or do they treat them with respect and warmth?

    3. I am reasonably close with my siblings. One of my parents is fairly close with their siblings although carries some resentment, the other parent has a clusterf*** relationship with their siblings. My siblings and I have had conversations specifically about not wanting to replicate that, although sometimes it’s hard because that parent seems to think those relationships are normal/functional and can superimpose the sibling behaviors on us.

    4. My husband is the opposite – he barely speaks to his sister (no real drama or bad blood, they just have nothing in common and no friendship and she isn’t interested in contributing to any logistical stuff having to do with his parents’ needs). But my husband’s parents were/are very close to their siblings. His mom is from a huge family and they all get together twice a year. My dad and his sister are estranged, his mother was also estranged from a sibling so for him at least it seems to run in families. I’m an only child and thrilled about it :)

      1. +1 – both parents are from big families and they visit (one on one and big reunions periodically). I’ve got brothers are we’re just not that close (for various reasons).

    5. I consider my brother one of my closest friends and among the first people I want to share news about my life with, in addition to my husband and parents. That being said, we don’t talk on the phone much and aren’t close in the way I see a lot of sisters, but more out of the blue texts about our inside jokes and thoughtful conversations about news or things we’ve read. We fought a lot growing up and didn’t get this way until after college. My parents are not particularly close with their siblings, certainly not estranged, but definitely more see-on-the-holidays-and-call-on-birthdays type.

    6. My parents are, overall, reasonably close with their siblings. My mom and her sister are the closest of any two and talk just about every day. I have no idea what specific influence that has had on my relationship with my brothers. I don’t have a sister, so I do not have personal experience with that bond. My brothers and I are not particularly close, it’s honestly more of a “no news is good news” relationship. I am here for them, and if they need help, I will do what I can to help them. But I don’t talk to them on a regular basis. My aunts and uncles all have lived in different cities from each other and from where my family lived growing up, so there was not ever any “Sunday Dinner” or even holiday get together with cousins/aunts/uncles. Everyone has always lived a plane ride away from each other (we were in Boston, other aunts and uncles lived in SF, Dallas, Chicago, Seattle, and overseas – both parents moved around multiple times as kids, so there also isn’t really a “hometown” for either of my parents).

      I sort of suppose two things – First, if my parents did not have a good relationship with their siblings/there was active dislike, I think that would have had more of an influence than the basically “pretty good” relationship that my parents have with their siblings. Meaning, I saw my parents call siblings on the sibling’s birthday and conference calls/group calls on holidays like Christmas, wishing everyone happy new years, that sort of thing. Second, my non-scientific observations tells me that having kids of the same sex are generally closer than two kids of a different sex are.

    7. My dad has five siblings. He actually likes one of them, doesn’t see much of two, and politely tolerates the remaining two whom he sees more often (proximity reasons).

      My mom likes her siblings, although I think she is intimidated by them, and actually went off to visit them by herself this summer, which I was really delighted about.

      I like my sisters and would go to bat for them in a heartbeat, but don’t feel super close to them.

    8. I’m close with my brother. My mom (parents divorced when I was young and raised by my mom) basically doesn’t talk to 4 of her 5 siblings, and only speaks with the remaining one a few times a year. The one she speaks to lived across the country when we were growing up and they only saw each other maybe 2-3 times during my childhood. I think her closeness or lack of such had no impact on whether I’m close with my brother. But I do think the fact that we grew up in a single-parent household and some other family problems during childhood had a huge impact, and it is helped by the fact that we have some similar interests now.

    9. I’m very close with my siblings (talk to one every day, have lunch with another every week, and talk to the other, constantly internationally-traveling one about every month). One of my parents is estranged from parent’s sibling and the other parent has a very tense relationship with that parent’s siblings – we see that side of the family approx. 2x/year for annual gatherings.

    10. I am best friends with my two sisters and we are all close with our mother. We live in the same city, have lunch weekly, text almost every day. Our mother has two sisters from whom she is completely estranged. She has not spoken to either of her sisters in decades. Both of her sisters, at different times in life and for different reasons, aggressively attempted to get money from their parents – my grandparents – and my mother felt her sisters were taking advantage of them. Lawyers were involved both times. None of us speak to them any longer. All that to say, I think a parents’ relationship with your aunts/uncles is irrelevant to your relationship with your siblings.

    11. My siblings and I are close. My parents are not particularly close to their siblings partly because they are somewhat difficult people. But I appreciate that my siblings and I have had each other’s backs as adults and that we genuinely enjoy seeing each other and spending time together with our kids, etc. If this is the compensation for having had somewhat difficult parents, I’ll take it.

    12. Ha! My parents set the exact opposite example of how I wish to have relationships, with both siblings and romantically. I’m very, very close with 1 of my 3 siblings and I consider that a win. I also require mutual love, respect and kindness in my romantic relationships. Unlike my parents in their 47 year marriage.

      …off to therapy haha

      1. Same here with regards to parents setting bad relationship examples. Isn’t therapy great, though??

    13. My mom was an only child and my dad was one of 4 kids; he has 3 sisters. Years ago, he had a major falling out not only with his sisters, but with his entire family. Over time, he’s tried to rebuild his relationships with two of his sisters, but that hasn’t worked. I can’t remember the last time he talked to either one of them, and he saw his third sister — the one he would least likely speak to — at my mom’s funeral 2 years ago. Despite all this, my sister and I are extremely close — talk on the phone every night, text all day long kind of close. We didn’t need our parents to have any kind of close sibling relationships to use for role models for our relationship. I think a lot of it was the way we were brought up and the values our parents instilled in us. (And the fact that we, too, think our aunts are a bunch of tw@ts who could have treated Mom and Dad a whole lot better.)

    14. My in-laws are onlies, so it’s possible that their behavior was an overreaction to that, or simply cluelessness. Can’t be sure. My spouse was forced to be close with his brother– to “make” his friends be friends with brother, to include brother in everything all the time no matter whether it was truly appropriate or not, etc. It was actually a huge problem for me, because my parents were NOT okay with this much older creepy dude tagging along every time I wanted to spend time with my (then) boyfriend.

      Brother is a toxic mess of a person, and my husband has been unable to form appropriate boundaries due to the way his parents act. We have actually lost friends because they got fed up of dealing with brother, and, unlike my husband, they had no authority forcing them to “play nice” and tolerate brother’s BS anymore, so they simply dropped out of the friend group. Not only do I not blame them, but I envy them.

      TL;DR: Your children’s closeness isn’t yours to “manage”. (Collective you, not OP you.)

    15. I would say I’m medium-close to my siblings, closer to my sister than brother in frequency of talking/texting, but we all get along. It’s also interesting to think about this in the context of generational lines. In the case of my mom’s mom, there’s a lot of dysfunction in the family going back several generations, and it shows through to my mom and her 8 siblings, and makes itself apparent in common threads down to several of my cousins (of which there are many). My dad’s side is a big, raucous extended family (I have 20-odd great aunts and uncles), where the siblings in most generations manage to stay close. In fact, I’m closer to several of my dad’s cousins than I am to my first cousins on my mom’s side. There’s some drama between one of my dad’s siblings and the other 5 at the moment, but for the most part, our family unit of first cousins, aunts and uncles is fairly strong.

    16. one side of my family is not super close, mostly calls on birthdays and getting together every few years for milestones. The other side is super close knit, hanging out and helping each other all the time. It definitely helps that my parents modeled the kind of relationship (tolerance and respect regardless of individual eccentricities, mutual support, and boundaries when necessary) that I hope to have with my sibling and other family members. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t practice that with every relative.

    17. My mom and her brother have a civil but not-great relationship. My sister is one of my best friends. I think it’s pure chance. We got lucky.

    18. Pure ancedata but my parents are not close with their siblings and I am not close with my sister. DH’s parents are close with their siblings and we are close with his brother.

    19. I have two siblings. I’m close with one, not close with another. My mom was close with all of her siblings. My dad never saw his but harbored no ill will. They just lived far apart.

      I had two kids who are late teens and fight as often as they get along. But now that my daughter has left for college they’re very close when she comes home to visit. Fingers crossed it continues.

    20. My mom was very close with her sister, not as close to her brother (they fought a lot) and her younger brother is closer to my age than he was to her. My dad was fairly close to his brothers. My brother and I have a difficult relationship. It’s not horrible, but I wouldn’t say that we’re close. He’s just a difficult person (objectively) and he bullied me growing up, so we’ve had a lot to get past. I’m very close to his kids, otherwise I’m not sure we’d really see each other much. His sons are very close to each other. They’re close in age and very different from one another and they tease each other, but they are probably each other’s best friends.

    21. I am close to my sister, but I wasn’t always. Our relationship got a lot better after our mother died (in our late 20s) for three reasons. First, we began to prioritize the relationship. Second, we were both better at relationships than we were 10 years earlier. For example, there are some things I don’t tell my sister because I know she’s be dismissive about it. It’s better for me to omit certain facts than to resent her reaction. Third, we’re not both trying to carve out our own identities, separate from our families, which we were (appropriately) as teenagers. My parents are/were medium close to their siblings.

  16. Looking for help from The Hive on a makeup/vision problem.

    I am getting older and cannot see anything without vision correction unless I am right on top of it. I wear contacts about half the time with readers for close-up and most computer work, otherwise I wear glasses.

    I do not wear much eye makeup on a regular basis other than maybe a swipe of neutral shadow and maybe a bit of brow pencil. However, I go to a decent number of “events” and I am finding it really difficult to see well enough to put on “evening” makeup, particularly eyeliner and mascara. Obviously, I cannot get it on while I am wearing my readers. The “stand two inches from the mirror with no vision correction, apply makeup, and then try to poke contacts in without ruining the whole thing” option is not great.

    How do I handle this? Do I need to get a giant magnifying mirror? Those readers that flip down on one side “AS SEEN ON TV”? Something else?

    Getting older really can stink sometimes.

    1. There’s a reason those giant magnifying mirrors exist. Try out a few and buy one you like.

    2. I put my contacts in before I put on my makeup. That doesn’t help for the days you are wearing glasses.

      1. Well, she might be at the stage of life where if the contacts are in, everything closer than about a foot away is very blurry.

        Second the magnifying mirror idea. I got a small one that sticks to my regular mirror. It’s also helpful for tweezing.

        1. It’s this. If my contacts are in, I cannot see anything that is fewer than about three feet away without readers. Both that distance and the readers are a problem for putting on the contacts.

    4. I have since had LASIK, but before that I wore contacts from 2nd grade until age 28. I just always put in my contacts before putting on makeup. I didn’t have the age-related vision problem, but I straight up could not see (-5.00 rx in both eyes). Is there a reason you can’t put your contacts in first?

      1. I am over -14 RX in both eyes (so LASIK is not a meaningful option), plus I have age-related presbyopia, which means that I cannot see close up (and that includes mirror distance) in my contacts without my reading glasses. Note that I have considered bifocal contacts, but at my prescription, I am told that is a recipe for mediocre vision all the way around. As is, I can see well in my contacts for distance and the readers are fine for medium range to close up . . . just not for putting on eye makeup.

        2. I wear glasses for this reason. I can’t deal with one contact being for distance and one for close up. I found some cute frames that suit my face, got a progressive lens, and have never looked back. I also have progressive rx sunglasses.

    5. I wear contacts for distance, and readers for the computer and reading anything closer than arms-length away. When I put on makeup, I put my contacts in, and then have a magnifying hand mirror that I use when applying anything that requires close up detail, such as eye liner. The rest, like foundation, blush, etc. I can see fine in the mirror over the dresser.

    6. A giant lighted magnifying mirror would be best, but you can probably manage with a cheap, small magnifying mirror from the drugstore. Mine is round, about 4 inches diameter, and has suction cups on the back where you can stuff it to a mirror at the correct height for you. I find leaning over the counter awkward if it’s stuck to the mirror over the sink, so it is at eye level on my full length mirror. Bonus is that it pops off and goes with you when you travel.

    7. I am at the age where I can’t see close with contacts in, and can’t see anything with contacts out. This may not work depending on your exact prescription, but I have luck putting in only one contact before applying eye makeup. It works for me because my one eye is much worse than the other (extreme script plus astigmatism) and correcting that one allows the “better” one to catch up, so to speak.

    8. I have a 10x makeup mirror. 10x is a lot but my reading correction is +3. I also have a 10x compact mirror in my purse, in my suitcase, in my desk drawer, in my gym bag. I’m like the Mr Magoo of putting lipstick on.

  17. I’m struggling with a recent hire – how do you all put together a performance improvement plan, or even give specific feedback, when you work in an analytical environment? I’m having a hard time laying out specific/actionable expectations when what I want to say is “to better understand the investment opportunity and make appropriate recommendations”, not “create 70 widgets per hour”.

    I’m also not sure how to handle this – we’re a company that offers great flexibility if you’re getting your work done. We do want people here generally 9-ish to 5-ish. She’s not getting her work done, and she continues to show up late for nanny issues 1-2x per week despite being counseled about it. But I feel like a hypocrite when I arrive late for similar issues, and in a lot of ways, being here on time doesn’t really matter if you’re a good employee. How do you all message the “do as I say, not as I do”, especially where face time is not a priority except for bad employees?

    1. This is why you should not have separate “policies” regarding hours, flexibility, etc. for good and “bad” workers, even if the policy is more of an understanding vs. something that’s on paper. It’s awkward, hypocritical, and when applied will disgruntle your employee instead of motivating her to do better.

      If you put the attendance problem aside, how would you generally go about helping an employee improve their job performance? Do that, and worry about the attendance separately. As it stands, what you’re saying is that if she was there 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM daily you would be fine with her subpar performance, and that can’t be what you really want.

    2. On the second point, I’d focus on the not getting work done vs the timeliness. I don’t think it’ s hypocritical or a double standard about face time. You can say something like “Susan, you may have noticed that our company has a flexible culture when it comes to face time, but that’s contingent on our employees getting their work done” then give specific examples about how she didn’t get her work done and tell her that’s unacceptable. Don’t focus on her lateness if other employees come in equally late.

    3. I think the lateness is a red herring here. If she needs to “better understand” an aspect of her job, it sounds like she’d be struggling even if she arrived on time. You say she’s been counseled about tardiness – what kind of feedback has she gotten about the substantive stuff? It sounds like you may need to have an in-depth conversation about expectations, requirements, and improvements you need to see from her.

      1. Thanks for pointing me to this – it’s basically exactly the issue here. I’ll dig around on AAM to see about developing a good PIP for analytical work environments.

    5. Don’t conflate lateness with performance issues. It will make her focus on the lateness and the double standards, not on the actual problems.

      You can say that: “better understand investment opportunity and make appropriate recommendations,” and then follow up with specific examples of where she failed to do that.

    6. On your first point, it might help to look at what the original job posting is, update that with her current duties, and list under each one “improvement goal” and then brainstorm how to achieve that improvement goal with smaller steps. Breaking it apart really helps.

      On your second point, tbh, and this may sound harsh, but if you give her the sentiments you state above you’ll sound like, and honestly be a hypocrite. You either have a flexible policy or you don’t. If you want people there 9-5, you really expect people to be there during normal working hours – just tell her that. “Getting their work done” is so incredibly vague and entirely depends on the type of work you do – some work is continous and never really “done”, and some bosses say “getting work done” but really mean “perk only for the superstars/my favorites”. I’d just be clear that you expect her there on time and that the flex policy is really only for true emergencies, not regular occurrences like “my nanny was late twice every week”. She should be able to figure that out herself.

      1. I’ve had to do the same thing several times, and find that referring to the job description is helpful – although the value will depend on how clearly defined your company’s job descriptions are.

        I’ve also been counseling an analyst who wants a promotion to project lead who is a complete clock-watcher. I told him “I know that it’s 3:58pm every day because you’re leaving. That would be fine if you were wowing everyone with your work, but you’ve missed deadlines and turned in sup-par deliverables, so it’s an issue. And if I’m noticing it, my boss is noticing it, too.” (We can flex hours, so he’s on an 8-4 schedule.)

    7. Thanks – the lateness is definitely a red herring; I agree, but I’m being told to make sure it’s addressed by my boss. Which is part of why my expectations on it are probably frustrating to her.

      She’s been getting lots of specific feedback on her work itself, and we’ve said we are concerned that she is not completing enough work, in a timely-enough manner, in a final-enough form. Hence the PIP. I’m just having a hard time being specific with our expectations when the work itself is pretty squishy.

    8. I differ with others to say that it’s ok for you to be late sometimes, because you “earned your flexibility” and she hasn’t yet. I have had a similar conversation with a direct report to say that he cannot work from home all the time, even though our VP and my boss does work from home every Friday. He is senior enough and has been here long enough to do so, but for everyone down the chain, you can do so rarely. As you start to earn it you can do it more. This is not hypocrisy, and don’t frame it as good v. bad employee. It is about establishing a track record that you can then lean on to get some flexibility.

    9. Think about what the difference is between the work she is completing and what you want her to do. If it’s not “final” enough, is it because there are spelling/grammatical errors, the charts/exhibits are not formatted correctly or labelled incorrectly, that sort of thing? Or is it that the written analysis doesn’t fully address Issues 1, 2, and 3 as you instructed her to do, because addressing Issue 1 requires research into the development of Products A and B, Issue 2 requires an understanding of Market C that needs to be obtained from either a) reading the industry trade magazines, b) interviewing individuals in the field, or c) more in-depth research via multiple avenues, and Issue 3 requires a synthesis of Issues 1 and 2 in the context of Economic Conditions D? If the first, that’s easy enough to develop a checklist of things that have to be done before turning in any work, but if it’s the second, you need to work out how much she knows about how to research Products, understand the Market, and evaluate the Economic Conditions and provide her with the guidance on how to do it. Maybe she doesn’t know how to do research or know what resources she has available to her. Maybe she doesn’t know that the analysis needs to include anything about Economic Conditions because you didn’t explicitly tell her that because you assume that anyone would know they had to include it.

      So if you’re trying to frame it as “better understand the investment opportunity and make appropriate recommendations,” what does she need to do to gain that understanding? What factors or audiences do “appropriate recommendations” need to address? Try to break down her work into its component parts and identify specific changes for each component. Telling her “use the available research tools listed on our company intranet (Intern Sonia has been using them a lot for another project and can show you which ones have the best information for your subject area and also some tricks on how to run effective queries) and ensure you always speak to Expert Janice over in Emerging Markets whenever your issue is related to Subject E” is very different from “get a better understanding of the investment opportunity.”

      The length of time it takes to do things is a whole other issue, but hopefully this is a good start for the quality side of things.

  18. My Midwest office is casual, so my usual winter outfit is jeans, a warm sweater or layers, and Ugg boots. I’m looking for alternative footwear that’s maybe a bit more grownup than Uggs but still keeps my feet warm. I drive to the office, so commuting or walking isn’t an issue, but even sitting in my office all day, my feet get cold. Is there a reasonably priced, more mature but still casual, warm alternative out there?

    1. Honestly, I’d keep fleece lined house booties under the desk and switch into normal shoes for walking around the office.

    2. I would buy good quality wool socks, and buy shoes or booties a half size up. And, maybe keep a heating pad under your desk to warm up your feet–easy on and off shoes would help with this.

    4. I love Blondo. There are some fuzzier versions if you need, but I find that even the leather-look pairs have a warm fabric lining. I wear good wool socks every day, too, and that really helps.
      Here are a couple options that fit the “adult Ugg” vibe:
      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/blondo-rachael-waterproof-bootie-women/5361601/full?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FBlondo&color=mushroom%20suede
      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/blondo-glade-waterproof-sneaker-women/5483711/full?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FBlondo&color=mushroom%20suede

  19. Morning! Does eye shadow go off? It seems like daily I have something fall or flake into in my eye and excruciating pain (hard contacts). I do change out mascara frequently.

    1. Start using cream shadows that don’t flake when they dry. Or stay in the “eyeliner only” gang. Hard contacts are not forgiving.

      Most likely candidate is mascara, though. It can flake depending on the brand, not just because it’s old.

      1. Milani makes a great shadow primer. If you want higher end, the Too Faced Shadow Insurance is good.

  20. Do you have an idea for how to make leather seats in a car less cold during the winter? It has heated seats, but I park outside – I’d like to have a buffer for my butt before the heater kicks in!

    1. Stick a removable heat trapping cloth (folded flannel sheets maybe), blanket or seat cushion of some sort. It’s the easiest and cheapest solution. Sit on it till the seats warm up then toss it in the passenger or back seat.

    3. Get a remote start system and start your car about 10 minutes before you leave. Otherwise a cushion or blanket.

      1. Please don’t idle your car for 10 minutes. That’s so bad for the environment. As a Canadian I understand the appeal of a warm car but please use blankets instead. If you decide go the remote start route, if you have heated seats, even 1 minute of remote start will take away the intial chill.

        1. When it’s cold and frosty and snowy outside, I need to let the car run for some amount of time while the defrost works.

        1. I’ve looked into after market ones, and they are like $200. It’d be great, but I do feel bad for the environment.

        2. Yes, there are after market remote start systems. Places like Best Buy sell and install them. Viper is a common brand. You can get basic systems or more high end for ones that have an app that you can use.

      3. You need a new heater if it takes your car 10 minutes to warm up. I live in the Midwest and even when the temperature is below 0F the car gets relatively warm within one or two minutes. I can’t imagine idling it for 10 minutes every day, that’s insane.

  21. I need help with a good design idea or color scheme for my powder room. Currently, it has a cream marbled counter/sink, beige walls, beige tiles, and dark oak cabinet. It has a gold bordered mirror. I’m open to painting/staining the cabinets, painting walls or using wall paper, using some kind of peel and stick floor, or any combination. I’d prefer going darker on cabinets, but otherwise okay with any other color scheme or even a fun wallpaper. The rest of my house is kindof in a modern style but incorporates a lot of south asain/middle eastern decor. What color scheme for cabinet/wall/floor would you do?

    2. I’d do a dark brown wall paper or paint on the walls. Stain /paint the cabinet dark brown or black. Small rug that incorporates similar colours and patterns to the rest of the house.

    3. I’d whitewash the cabinet and paint the frame of the mirror off white. Depends on how you feel about the beige paint on the walls but I’d wait and see how it looks with the lighter cabinet and mirror frame when you’re done.

    1. I don’t think it needs to be discussed because I think everyone agree it’s horrifying on many levels.

      1. Agreed. Also – kind of an abrupt way to bring up a topic. It seems like you’re trying throw a convo bomb and walk away, but that doesn’t work on a uniformly agreed topic like I’m sure this one is.

        1. Sorry, I was so pissed off when I read it that I literally had no words. I have a daughter his daughter’s age and I cannot even come close to imagining this.

    2. He also gave an interview where he suggested that his wife’s “uvula” (no joke, that is the word he used instead of vulva) was 50% owned by him as part of the marriage contract. You cannot make this stiff up.

    3. I don’t even understand how this happens. At 16 ok (not ok that he’s doing this – but ok like you’re a kid with no means of self support you can be forced into things). At 18+ though how can he require it? Can’t she move out/refuse/not sign the HIPPA waiver? And he makes it sound like he’s in the room for the exam?! What dr agrees to that?? I feel like drs are quick to decline parents in the room even if a “kid” in the late teen says ok because they realize that it’s often a kid just saying yes under duress. And then he says when the dr gives the speech re it can be broken by sports, riding a horse etc, he’s like yeah yeah she isn’t playing sports or horse riding. Dad what if she [gasp] went horseback riding with her friends 10 mos ago and forgot to tell you??

      1. Even at 16, you have to sign a waiver. In my state, you have to sign the waiver at age 12 to have your parents access your medical info (I make my kids do it – not because I want to know about their sx life, but because they can’t manage their own medical care yet and I need access to their records to make appointments, etc.). It sounds like he bullied her into signing the waiver in front of the doctor, the doctor is obviously in the wrong here also for allowing it.

      2. Yeah, what I don’t get is how the doc is going along with it instead of counseling the girl and possibly even reporting to the authorities.

      3. Did you have the resources to move out at 18? I was already in college and still would have been in a bad place with nowhere to go over breaks if I defied my parents like that. She’s obviously under duress and it’s not her fault that he’s using his considerable power to control her body.

    4. I think sending a kid in for a GYN exam to satisfy some need of her father’s is sexual assault and I’m shocked they could find a doctor to do it.

      1. I mean you can find some type of dr in private practice who’ll do whatever — esp if money is coming in and if they know they’re dealing with a “star.” He lives in ATL — highly doubt the adolescent gyn dept at Emory is playing along with this but you’ll find some private practicioner who needs to make the rent on his stunning office who’ll agree. Bet you he takes her to a male too — let’s make this as uncomfortable as possible.

        1. My first gyn experiences were at Emory, in fact, and they were INCREDIBLY protective of my privacy and I was 12.

    5. I don’t have the time or interest in giving that misogynistic f*cker page clicks or attention. Obviously it’s horrifying. Obviously men are trash. Move on.

    6. Meanwhile he’s 39 with an 18 year old so it was fine for him to make babies at age 21. It was also fine for him to make 6 babies with 3 different women. Par for the course I guess for these types of boys from the hood.

      1. It’s even worse than that. He said his son was s*xually active at 14 and he was fine with that, because it’s different for boys vs girls, and “no father would tell you otherwise.”

        1. He said that where? Same interview? Need to read/watch it — I’ve only seen what’s being discussed on twitter.

      2. Wow, I didn’t think it was possible to be more disturbed by this story, but your breezy racism is galling.

        1. Especially when there are plenty of white Evangelicals behaving in a similar fashion with their nausea-inducing purity balls and virginity pledges.

          1. I think the casual racism was gross on this and find purity balls also gross. But please don’t pretend parading your kid around in a white dress is the same as subjecting a young women to an unnecessary and invasive procedure which arguably meets the standard for sexual assault.

          2. In my experience, Evangelicals are more likely to deny their daughters access to healthcare altogether, and, of course, cover up anything that might be going on.

        2. Call it racist if you want — there is one certain community with consistent problems re having multiple baby mamas/daddies over a lifetime. I’m fine being racist if that’s what it’s called now when point out the obvious.

          1. No, this happens in a lot of different demographics. The one’s I am familiar with are white and somewhat racist.

          2. This comment is disgusting and false.

            I know plenty of white people (including wealthy ones from “good” families) with kids with multiple partners. People never make these types of comments about them.

        3. I don’t agree with that poster’s phrasing, but there is ample evidence to support the claim. I’m not a cultural relativist – I only care about what’s good for children and women and being raised in an environment where it’s normal/celebrated to father children with different women and not support them (except to interfere with girls’ personal lives and be misogynistic) is not cool or laudable.

    9. I mean the whole family is f*cked up. And whether or not he checks her hymen, I doubt there is anything good in that poor girl’s future for at least the next 20 years (the amount of time it will take her to get out of the abusive relationship with her father, find a therapist and work through ALL the issues).

    10. Extremely anon for this, but my parents forced me to go and have mine checked when I was 15. I didn’t realize this was child abuse or sexual assault until I read this story about TI’s daughter.

  23. M. Gemi F&F 20% off right now. Scooped up the Scuolas I had been wanting. 2.5% additional cash back through Rakuten if you use it.

  24. It’s the first real winter day in my area so I’m dreaming about taking a tropical vacation, probably in March. The last couple years we went to a resort and lay on the beach. That was nice but I think we want to do something slightly more adventurous this year – but not too adventurous because we’ll have an almost 3 year old with us. I was thinking about Costa Rica but wonder if that is better saved for when our kid is older and can do more hiking, etc.? Any other Caribbean/central American spots that would be fun with a preschooler? No Hawaii, it’s farther than we want to travel and DH and I went there a lot pre-kid.

  25. I just wanted to say thanks again to everybody who had suggestions on yesterday’s thread about options for my nephew. I read them all and you gave me a lot to think about. I’m embarrassed to say is that I guess I thought this would be some kind of Hallmark movie where the unfocused teen-ager gets help from the heroine (that’s me!) and all the family’s problems are solved.

    2. I’m not sure if this was mentioned on the other thread, but with a low GPA and no family help (other than you which is fantastic!) he might be a great candidate to go into a trade. Maybe academics aren’t really his thing and that’s completely fine!

      1. Yes, I showed him an apprenticeship program he could do while living at home (electrician) but it was clear he was not interested in anything like that. As some folks said yesterday, maybe he needs to grow up a bit more.

    3. I replied to your original thread to say that for some people, the military can be a very good path (my husband, the first in his immigrant family to go to college, went on a ROTC scholarship which opened up amazing opportunities for him). If he’s genuinely interested, I’d encourage him to pursue it further. If he’s talking to a recruiter because he thinks that’s his only option, then I agree pursuing community college or trade school would be a much better idea!

      1. His cousin just got out of the Marines and had a good experience, so it makes sense that he’s interested. He told me the recruiter said something like he would be piloting fighter jets “right away” so that made me a little skeptical but it’s definitely still an option to find out more. The good news is he doesn’t have to enlist until after high school, so we will have the college financial aid offers before then and he can weigh his options.

    4. Good luck Moonstone. One scenario you might want to caution him about: if he takes out loans to go to college and then drops out after a year his financial situation will be grim. Do you think he’d be open to working for a year before college (while living at home if possible) to save money (and grow up a little).

      1. Thanks! Honestly, the situation you have described is the one I am most worried about — no degree and a bunch of debt for nothing. Good news, though: I looked at his community college a bit more today, and he might qualify for work-study while taking 4 classes a semester. He’d live at home and his parents would be supportive of that. The stats are not good for the number of community college students who successfully transfer to a 4-year college, but if he went there 4-5 days a week for work and/or class I think he would stay motivated. Statistics show a lot of teen-agers who start community college kind of drift away during the first year and I have been worried he would be susceptible to that.

  26. Is whole life insurance ever a worthwhile investment? We got talked into it several years ago and now I’m kicking myself that we’ve spent about $12k a year on it and could have put that money elsewhere. I suggested terminating it, but the advisor who sold it to us is pushing back and now I’m not sure what to do.

    1. That is insane. Cancel it, and buy term through someone else. This guy is a shyster.

      1. Gently, I think that’s a racist / anti-Semitic term, and will offend the person above who was bothered by the “ethnic” wall paper.

        2. I’m not so sure. I’m Jewish and people used that word growing up, I always assumed it was Yiddish, honestly (apparently it’s German, which has a lot of overlap with Yiddish). I googled it and it seems like it’s very unclear whether or not it’s a slur:
          “Many people have come to believe that shyster is an anti-Semitic, but the origins of the word are linked to a Manhattan newspaper editor in 1843–1844. According to an article on Law.com, at the time, there was a crusade against legal and political corruption in the city, and the editor derived the term shyster from the German word scheisse, which means “excrement.” There are several reasons for the anti-Semitic confusion including the closeness to Shakespeare’s Shylock, and belief that the term came from the proper name of Scheuster, who some think was a corrupt lawyer. The etymology of the word indicates it was never intended as a racial slur, and that it was applied derogatorily to lawyers in general, and not to any one ethnic group.” https://www.thoughtco.com/terms-many-dont-know-are-racist-2834522

          I would be offended if someone used it only to describe Jewish people (especially Jewish people who weren’t being scammy) but I don’t think it’s automatically offensive and OP’s use didn’t bother me.

          1. This is what Dad says. There was a guy I went to law school named Jonathan Scheiss, who wanted to date me, and 3 people told me his name meant $hit in German, so I didn’t date him b/c if I married him, that would be my name. FOOEY!! I did not want to be known as Mrs. Scheiss!

          1. What are you gaining out of jumping down my throat? I explained that I didn’t know that context and thanked her, ten minutes before you posted.

      2. I have googled the term because I always thought it was anti-Semitic (it just sounds like it is), but apparently there isn’t any evidence to back it up. I still wouldn’t use it though; it just doesn’t sound right to me.

    2. In some cases, variable life (a variant of cash value insurance, which whole life also is) can be a decent option, but my FA says that the cost and risk (there is a risk component because variable life partially is invested to generate returns) only are worthwhile if you already have a funded emergency account, maxed out your retirement accounts, including any backdoor Roths, and fully funded any 529 PLUS you are in a situation where standard term will not cover financial obligations on your death. Per my FA, variable life is best for business owners who anticipate needing funds to buy out partners on the partners’ death or other loss of ownership or deal with business guarantees.

    3. There are some advantages, for instance the benefit is not taxed because it’s an insurance payout, and you can take the benefit without dying. It depends on how much of your premium is for life insurance, how much is for expense/profit/overhead, and how much goes into your investment. Your policy should have a cash value right now that you can take if you cancel it, but it may not be much because in most cases your premiums in the beginning of the policy are mainly the life insurance portion.

    4. Per Websters: “mid 19th century: said to be from Scheuster, the name of a lawyer whose behavior provoked accusations of ‘scheuster’ practices, perhaps reinforced by German Scheisser ‘worthless person’.”

      It is a term I hear a lot to refer to attorneys who are crooks. While I try to avoid language that might be considered racist, even if I do not think it is actually offensive (on the theory that is not my call to make – although I do get really tired of people who do not belong to my ethnic group telling me that certain terms used to refer to MY OWN ETHNIC GROUP are offensive) – this is one that some people seem to have decided is anti-Semitic when its origins and general use actually has nothing to do with Jewish people.

  27. To the other single ladies in the hive – how do you manage to feel content without a partner (or do you)? I have been single for about a year and a half now and have been trying very hard to focus on me and build a life for myself in which I can be content on my own. I’ve got good friends, lots of hobbies, a wonderful puppy, a job that (while I hate the actual job) pays the bills and gives me security, I take myself on solo vacations, etc. Generally I would say I’m pretty happy and I know I’ve got what would be considered a good life, but I can’t shake the longing for someone to share my existence with, no matter how great I make my life. I have tried to date but it has been extremely disappointing and its at the point that when I go on the dating apps I end up closing them shortly after and thinking “welp, I guess I’ll die alone” because it’s just SUCH slim pickings on there. I thought the dog would help, and he does help with general companionship, but I still find myself feeling really sad and lonely for my person (if he exists), and often am exasperated with thoughts like “where is he?!?!” because I am so ready to build a life with someone. Any ideas for how to just be content with the life I’ve built with myself? This is going to be especially challenging going into the holiday season. Commiseration welcome also.

    1. Don’t force yourself “ to just be content with the life I’ve built with myself” if that’s not what you ultimately want.
      If you want to share your life with someone, you’re going to have to put yourself put there and have patience.

      1. This. If you want to meet someone, you have to put yourself out there. Have you taken any dog training classes with your puppy? That would be a way to meet other people who like dogs.

        1. I understand this is supposed to be helpful, and maybe it is to the poster.

          I’m out here going on an average of 30 first dates a year from online dating, and spending 1-2 other nights a week at group activities to meet people. And it isn’t working. There are probably a lot of reasons for that (city gender makeup, politics, religion). I think if you got married at 27 or 30, Or have had 2-3 long term relationships it is really hard to imagine 3-5 years of that kind of output with no relationship. At some point, it feels like you should stop buying the “meet someone” lottery ticket and start putting your energy in the “be happy” 401k. It’s a better investment.

          1. OP here – this is exactly why I posted! I have been putting myself out there as hard as I can to no avail, so am now looking for ways to be happy outside of that.

          2. I don’t have any advice to add to this thread but wow your lottery ticket/401k investment analogy is great. I think it could apply to other aspects of life, definitely remembering that one!

          3. +1 This sort of advice makes me super rage-y, as does its counterpart, “You’ll meet someone when you least expect it!” Ok, I’ve already tried both (inadvertently, because we are all essentially in one state or the other), but thanks for the implication that my singleness is somehow a result of what I have or haven’t done instead of sheer dumb luck. Also, gosh, it’s super fun when things don’t work out and then, bonus, you have ex-boyfriends floating around your gym/social circle/run club/whatever.

        2. OP again – to reply to the original comment, yes I have taken my pup to training classes. I was the only single person there – everyone else was a couple with their dog…which is a microcosm for my whole life lol.

    2. I mean, same pretty much. I don’t have any real advice because I’ve done all the things that you’ve done and I am happy with my life. I have a busy, fulfilling life with close friends and family relationships. But I still want a partner and that’s not going away because I am content in the other aspects of my life.

      What helps me is kind of leaning into the feeling. Not wallowing and believing I’m going to die alone, but accepting that I feel sad about something I feel is missing in my life and that it’s okay to feel that way, not judging myself for feeling that.

      Once I do that, I do other things that make me feel good: workout, get a massage, make a complicated meal with a fancy glass of wine, take a hot bath with a good and steamy book, watch trashy tv my exes have complained about etc. I also try to focus on other goals i.e. right now, I’m focusing on some fitness goals. I’m hoping this will both distract me/focus my energy and perhaps help me meet new people to expand my social circles.

      This isn’t real advice because it sounds like you’re doing everything you can but commiseration. It’s really hard! If you’re in Toronto, post a burner email and we can commiserate in person!

      1. Yeah, I think acknowledging that I do feel sad about being alone and that it’s okay to feel that way was helpful for me. I hate the advice to just be happy with your life. I have a fantastic effing life, but I also want a partner and it makes me sad that I don’t have that.

    3. I definitely feel and share your pain. I’m generally happy with my life and am fine being single, but sometimes I just *really* want a partner to share things with. That’s a valid feeling!!! It’s valid to feel frustrated that you’re not finding your person. I feel that way too!

      No real advice, because I’m in the same boat, but lots and lots of commiseration!

    4. With you! None of these help 100% of the time. I recently bought cooling eye cream because I’ve been crying myself to sleep about this. So, commiseration! But also, a plan:
      1) Cultivating as many deep friendships as possible. Many people get their most vulnerable, real relationship from a partner. But friends can do this too. You need people who love you, accept you, know you, and are your 3AM calls. (The hard part for me is that they then go and get married and the relationship fades. So you have to start again.) You need to share your existence, but it doesn’t have to be with a partner.

      2) As an onramp to 1, cultivate as many shallower positive acquaintanceships as you can manage. These people get “promoted” to friend and to deep friend when your deep friend gets married, has a kid etc. You need to have a farm team. (This sounds so awful, but I’m not sure of a less awful way to say it?)

      3) As a step to 1 & 2, be a friend. Be the person who is reliable for your friends, shows up, plans things, etc. Do the friendship work. And to be honest, this sucks almost as much as dating.

      4) Make a difference in the world on your own. Maybe that is a weekly volunteer shift. If you are around this site, you might be able to do “more” via being on a charity board, giving generously, fundraising, planning an event whatever. Here, I’d say go deep rather than wide. Find one group/cause/religion/ charity that you are passionate about and dedicate as much as you can to it. This helps with the relationships thing, and also giving your life meaning. AKA: The Nun strategy.

      5) Take as much advantage of your singleness as you can. If fling-y gardening is fun for you, do that. (doesn’t work for me.) Eating at great places, trying ridiculous beauty trends, trips. The Samantha strategy.

      1. Not OP, but I commented below, and I love your farm team analogy. It’s not that deep friend 1 isn’t still a great friend, but everyone’s priorities change, and many of my relationships with friends have shifted over time, and you never know when someone on the farm team might suddenly be in a season of life most similar to yours.

    5. I’m going to preface by saying: I am early-30’s, single and have a very lovely, fulfilling life, including with a lot of phenomenal, deep relationships with people I really love (both family and platonically). I also still wonder where the heck my person is sometimes.
      I focus on living the life I want to live, I just can’t wait for someone else that to happen. I spend a lot of time with friends across different groups. I have two book clubs, and encourage friend groups to uphold traditions. I vacation regularly with one group of friends, have gone on trips with other friends individually, and go to visit my sister in a different state. My mom is also a great person to go on vacation with, and I do solo vacation occasionally, too. I play 2 sports, one in the warm months and a different one in the winter, and it just so happens that my groups in those sports are different than my friend, and are different across the two sports. I workout and have a little community at my gym, too. I cook whatever I want for myself, and deal with the leftovers, even if it takes a few days. I volunteer at a place every week.
      I have chosen to largely forgo the apps for the past year or two. I have spent too much of my valuable time going on mediocre first and second dates, and my schedule is too busy with things I want to be doing to make time for online dating, which I find to be so time consuming. My person is going to need to come into my path or sphere, and I’m comfortable with the reality that it could take a while or even not happen.

    6. No advice, but I’m totally in the same boat. I have a great job and a super active life – I’m rarely home after work because I’m with friends at the climbing gym, or at book club, or at trivia night. I have two horses, I ski a ton in the winters, regularly go on cool international vacations – I’m 100% living my best life in every way I have control over, but there’s still an underlying loneliness, especially since so many of my friends are paired off. Online dating is a depressing void, and it just hasn’t worked out for me in the wild either. No easy answers, and the vague “it’ll happen for you eventually” stuff you hear is not especially helpful.

      I do have friends that are going through nasty divorces, or are in unhappy relationships, so I guess it could be worse. But I also know people whose lives are enriched by their partners, so I also know it could be so much better. :(

    7. I’ve been alone for a long time. I had a LDR, but he wasn’t here for holidays, etc. for a really long time. I came to realize, after my marriage, that I really like my alone time and I like not having to worry about what someone else is eating or when I’m going to be home, or how I decorate my home. After my divorce, I realized that I had room to breathe again. I have a cat who is a real snuggler, but she doesn’t talk back (well, she is sassy). I tend to read while I eat and I definitely don’t miss having someone across the breakfast table (I am cranky in the morning). I generally don’t spend holidays with my family (I am a church singer and have obligations on the major holidays) so I make my own family. I host Thanksgiving for a whole group who don’t have family here and I host my choir and families on Christmas eve. We’re so dead by Christmas day that I generally don’t care. I do miss having the support system and a partner to do things with – making decisions with someone else, having someone to travel with, support when my family gets crazy (although that’s a lot less these days), errands, chores, having someone to go to parties, plays, or out to eat with. Sometimes being responsible for everything in life gets really tiring! I also really hate going to parties alone. So, I’ve committed myself to dating and meeting new people. Sometimes, with my newfound introvertedness, it’s so hard to make myself go out and meet new people and always feeling like I have to be “on.” I met someone who I felt really comfortable just being with and that was great for a while, but he was a mess personally. I just started dating someone (after 9 months on dating apps) who is a grown man with grown kids, a job where he is busy, and the desire, like me, to have someone to be with and hang out with, cook with, watch football. I’m excited about the possibilities. I move on pretty quickly if things get bad. This all to say that I don’t have any answers. I’m just still out here trying. I have a busy life and a tendency to get stuck in a rut, so I’m definitely fighting against that at this point.

      1. At least you tried marrage, but it didn’t work out, and it does not sounds like you had kids. Personaly, I am a lawyer who wants a man, 1) for companionship , 2) for $ex, and 3) for kids. So if I can find that, I will be fine, but until then, I have to be a lot like you, and I am optimistic that I will find a guy meeting the 3 criterian I outline to a guy every time I meet someone who has potential.

    8. I’ll second the advice to recognize that you’re sad that you don’t have a partner, and to be compassionate towards yourself about that feeling. And I know it’s really hard and frustrating out there, especially on the apps. I read something somewhere recently that Match started offering some sort of dating coaching. I would recommend trying that or something like it – I worked with a dating coach briefly, and it changed my life, even though I’m really embarrassed to admit it now. I think it’s possible you might have some walls up that you didn’t realize, and sometimes therapy isn’t always the most productive route to improving your dating skills.

    9. So much good advice here. I was in the same place as you until I was about 32 – though I was probably a worse dater. LOL. I had never had a serious relationship, and hadn’t really even dated at all until my late 20s. I was well-educated, well-traveled, had great friends, a job that I enjoyed (most of the time), a dog that – to that point – was my longest successful relationship…. but no partner. I online dated off and on, I was not a successful dater in the wild. And then…one day? I got extraordinarily lucky and saw my now husband’s picture on OkCupid.

      All of this to say…. I don’t think you’re doing any of this wrong. I think your feelings are valid and I think you’re doing a great job building a life that you love. Keep putting yourself in situations where you might luck out….whether that’s online dating, some sort of activity or class, or going out on a Saturday night once in a while.

    10. I hear you and concur. I also have most things, but NOT a man to keep me warm at night, especialy now that it is getting cold outside, I recall my ex sniffing and nuzzeling my body parts under the covers with his nose and that kept me VERY warm. But be positive! There are men out there who will sniff and nuzzle you under the covers; just be patent. I could have a guy any time I want, but I to am waiting for quality, not quantity. Since good things come to those who wait, Dad says me waiting will result in me finding a decent guy, not just any schlub off the street. Stay in the game and a dude will materialize, Myrna says, and I agree! YAY!!!

  28. When do you find the extra effort for a potentially good career (salary) is worth it?
    I’m in a position where I “could” earn a very healthy 6 figures, but 10+ years – currently at $65k, I’m late 20’s. To get there, I need study for 2+ years on my own outside of work, and business will be handed down when older partners retire. I am unhappy at work because my team has many dynamic issues, and switching to another team isn’t really an option because the industry is small enough, so I just started applying for jobs in other fields this week.
    My husband is a doctor and our financial situation is comfortable. We don’t need me to be a high earner, which is a significant privilege. Have any of you just decided the grind isn’t worth it? I know this frequently happens for lawyers with BigLaw, but the downgraded salary is still in the 6 figures department. Several of the partners on my team are pulling in 400k+, and if I change careers I assume I wouldn’t ever top 150k. Any words of wisdom or personal stories in similar situations?

    1. I left Big Law for a way less lucrative (but also way less demanding) profession. I earn $50k, but my husband earns ~$110k and we live in a LCOL city. Our combined salaries are way more than enough for us, and I have zero desire for more money if it would require me to work longer hours. If my husband and I were to divorce, I could meet my basic needs on my salary. There would certainly be a hit to my lifestyle (vacations, etc.) so at that point I might try to move into a more lucrative job, but I don’t see myself ever needing or wanting to earn more than $100k. I’m firmly of the view that once you have the ability to pay your bills and do a few fun things like travel, money doesn’t buy happiness.

    2. So I think there’s a diminishing marginal utility/value of money — and that tipping point where that extra $$ just isn’t worth it is individual to you, your household financial situation, and your feelings re money as a marker of your success. For me that’s 150-175k currently. For me I’ll grind as hard as I have to get to and stay at the 150-175k range because frankly at less than that I feel underpaid and unsuccessful. For me it doesn’t have to do with financial need, but it’s more about — this is where I feel I should be at this age/stage of my career, whether I need the $$ or not. After that point though is when I start to think — hmm this job will require much more stress, less stability, longer hours, is it worth it? TBH though my range has only drifted up as the years have gone by so I feel like soon I’ll be saying — do what it takes to be at 175-200k and THEN take a step back and chill. I’m ex-biglaw as well, though IDK if that colors my view on money — maybe — as I got used to relatively speaking large salaries right off the bat at graduation but I also didn’t graduate at a time when first years were making 200k.

    3. this is an interesting question. I’m struggling with something similar – my H also makes a relatively good living, so we do not need me to be a high earner as well. However, I’ve reached a point in my career (15 yrs out of law school) where I am tired of feeling underpaid and my target salary is ~200-250K (not looking at biglaw obvs, but maybe small law or in house, which is admittedly hard to get). So i’m willing to do a lot to get there (I currently make about 140K) because it’s become an important mental priority for me, if that makes sense.

      1. I feel underpaid and underutilized, because my current role technically doesn’t require a college degree. I can work really hard to progress, but in this industry it’s really just putting in time. I won’t advance quicker because it relies a lot on partners retiring. I’m also looking at DH graduating residency next summer and we will move, so I could put in 1.5 years of hard work for it not to pan out.
        Thanks for these examples, I appreciate it!

    4. My .02, in your late 20s I’d recommend pursuing the path with a higher earning potential. It’s easier to pursue things the younger you are, and life is long – you could get divorced, your husband could get sick, you could find you enjoy having a bigger job, you might want to make different life choices that more money gives you the option to make.

  29. Favorite Hallmark Christmas movie — and if you can’t remember title since they’re all so generic, what was it about (beyond – she returned to a small town and fell in love)? I literally just discovered that these movies existed last year when I watched 2 of them because my family had them on when I was home for the holidays (a dr. who ended up doing a rotation in Alaska and fell in love there and thus chose to walk away from a competitive residency in New England; and a town named Christmas trying to secure a contract for a winter resort when the female exec who comes to check out the town finds love/family and all she’s been missing).

    I’m kinda looking forward to the feel good/look at the perfect towns/snow sets again this year, though I have not watched one yet as work etc. has been busy and I don’t want to waste 2 hours in an evening when I can be getting stuff done.

    1. I love the Alaska doctor one!! Lol. I honestly can’t remember any of the names or plots, but I tend to prefer the ones that take place in rustic log-cabin-vibe B&Bs rather than in the busy city at Christmastime. YMMV. :)

    2. Not a Christmas movie, but I recommend Isn’t It Romantic, which is a hilarious take on romantic comedies, starring the incredibly talented Rebel Wilson.

    4. I love The Holiday Calendar with Kat Graham and Quincy Brown. Plot is cheesy but it’s well-acted and it leans into silliness more than some others in a way that I find delightful.

      1. Netflix is pushing hard to compete with Hallmark on the Christmas movie market and I’ve been getting into it! From best to worst: 1) The Princess Switch mentioned below, carried by Vanessa Hudgen’s great/terrible impression of a British accent and a very cute, vaguely Benedict Cumberbatch-lookalike prince who is good at giving The Look. 2) The Holiday Calendar definitely has the least terrible dialogue of the movies that I’ve seen and it’s cute all around. 3) They just brought out a new one, I think it’s called Holiday in the Wild. While the story couldn’t be any less creative (recently dumped Kristin Davis meets rugged Rob Lowe on African Safari and they heal each others’ heartbreak while caring for elephants), the actual writing was a nice change away from crazy hormonal and hyper college kids, and just showed the more low key way a romance could unfold for two adults. And it’s Rob Lowe. 4) Then a few years back, a Christmas Prince made waves for being so bad that it’s good again: fairly bad acting, super lazy writing, all the tropes of romcoms (literally every last one), very cute, vaguely Jude Law-lookalike prince. (The sequel was lame, but I will probably watch the upcoming third part anyway)

    5. I liked the one where Vanessa Hudgens played both a baker and a princess who switched places. It was delightfully terrible, if that makes sense.

      2. I found that movie hilarious because the guy who works in the bakery is such a better love interest than the prince. The prince was one of those generic white dudes who is only considered hot if he’s royal (see: all those years when people argued Prince William was attractive).

        1. that’s interesting. I thought the baker-love interest was so terrible at acting, while the prince guy really sold the impossible feat of falling in love within the span of two days. So that worked much better for me.

    6. This isn’t exactly Hallmark (it’s ABC Family from Back in the Day) but close enough…12 Dates of Christmas with Amy Smart is my favorite Christmas movie. I couldn’t begin to tell you why. Watch it every year.

    7. I don’t know the names of any of them, but I am loyal to actresses. I will watch ANY movie with Lacey Chabert. Like, don’t touch the remote, do not talk to me, I have PLANS. My husband even tolerates Lacey’s Hallmark movies. I also like Candace Cameron-Bure, Danica McKellar, Brooke D’Orsay, Lindy Booth, Jen Lilley, and Ashley Williams. I have a few actresses who just aren’t my jam even though their movie plot might be cute.

      Also, Andrew Walker. Mercy.

      1. As a Lifetime/Hallmark fanc, I’d also recommend:
        Merry & Bright – lady owns candy cane factory. dude comes in to streamline operations

        Christmas Reservations – lady runs hotel, college sweetheart widow comes to stay with his kids

        Let It Snow – lady is tasked with modernizing a cute christmasy resort that dude’s family runs

        also Snow Globe and A Snow Globe Christmas – I LOVE LOVE with Christina Milian. it’s so cheesy you will die. But a perennial fave.

    8. Can I just say – I googled the Alaska Doctor one and was so pleasantly surprised that the doctor was a woman! Sad that I assumed it’d be the man, but go Hallmark!

    9. The Spirit of Christmas, hands down, best Xmas movie I’ve ever seen. Not Hallmark, I think you can find it on Amazon.
      So far this year, I liked Two Turtle Doves. Last year, I liked Mingle All the Way and A Godwink Christmas (because Nantucket). Northern Lights of Christmas was an epic hate-watch. I also like ALL of the royal ones.

    10. One of my favorites is the one where the famous actress goes to a small town to film a movie and falls in love with the (young, handsome, single dad) mayor of the town, who initially doesn’t like her (of course!) It’s sweet and fun.

    11. Also need to plug The Holiday here, not Hallmark, but a true Christmas classic for me. Really sad that it’s gone from Netflix. Have to find the DVD in my parent’s basement next time I’m there.

  30. Vent about hair.
    A few years ago I used to chemically straighten my hair and it lasted for 9+ months each time. I could wake up and go to work without even running a comb through my hair and it looked sleek straight and shiny. I switched to using Keratin and while not as good, it was reasonably good. I didnt own a hair dryer. Wash and go, and it looked fairly sleek but wore off in 3-5 months.
    This year I decided to go naturally curly and avoid damaging my hair. I end up doing way more for a look that is way less. I wash, use an Aquis towel, apply Deva Curl damp and scrunch, then try to scrunch out the crunch and I get to work and look in the bathroom mirror – voila, a frizzy head with hair not quite curly and not wavy in a nice way either. Even for an interview, short of going to a salon I have no way to guarantee I will look neat and not frizzy – so much of it is hit or miss.
    This is frustrating. Noxious chemicals or not, I am tempted to go back to keratin or something stronger.

    1. It sounds like you had a system that worked well for you and you were happy with the results, I’d go back to it if I were you. Life is too short to hate your hair.

    2. Did you get much of a hair cut when you switched to curly? If not it may be that the chemical straightening has left your hair a little out of shape, and that as new hair grows in the natural curl will improve. I wear my hair naturally curly (I air dry it in the car as I commute!), and a few months ago a new hair dresser suggested flat ironing it before she cut it so she could correct problems I was having withe the prior cut. I went along with this scheme, but it left my hair so damaged! The natural curl just wouldn’t come back. I finally got several inches cut off (hair was shoulder length) and the combination of shorter length and removing a lot of damaged hair brought the healthy, pretty curls right back.

      1. +1 to air drying on the car commute. I make sure the vents are facing me, and I have pretty curls 90% dry by the time I get in.

    3. Deva curl products also do nothing for me. Curls Rock product results in a springy mess. So tempted to try straightening. If you know it’s worked for you and didn’t damage your hair too much, I would defintely go back to it.

    5. I am with you. I have been trying all the curly girl methods for a YEAR and my hair looks worse than ever. I’ve tried a ton of products, changed up my washing routine, been religious about avoiding heat tools and allowing time to air dry…but no results. To look reliably good, I have to straighten my hair and hope for good weather. I guess it works for some, but for me all those curly rules are bunk. It’s so frustrating!

    6. Go to a curly hair specialist who can assess the damage to your hair – yes damage. Any kind of chemical straightener is going to affect your hair until it’s cut off. High heat will also result in damaged and limp curls. You effectively have to grow it out or cut it out.
      In addition, I’d recommend trying different curly products. With curly hair, one size is definitely not one size fits all. With frizz, it sounds like you need heavier products or a smoothing serum. I know everyone is pro-Curly Girl but some of us need silicones to achieve the desired look. Additionally, when your hair is curly, you typically don’t need to wash everyday as the natural oils in your hair take longer to distribute through the strands. Try every 2-3 days.
      A curly hair specialist will also help you learn how to style your hair at home. Some people need to twist their hair in big pieces (either in a plait or twirl to get one big curl) while it dries to get those awesome curls without frizz. You may need to do a pull through method on the product to get good curls. A “wash and go” is very rarely actually a wash and go.

    7. Thank you for all the feedback and commiseration!
      I have refrained from heat tools for over a year now (summer 2018). I did get a pretty short cut so I know it’s not from damage, but my natural hair pattern has changed over time (straighter in front and wavier at the back of my head).
      I also don’t wash every day (and didn’t use to even with straight hair). I’ll try a different product and see but I don’t have a ton of patience for styling tools, braids sound doable though while drying if all I need is to drive to work in a braid and open it out before I get out of the car.

  31. This is my first week working from home for a new, remote position (yay). Suggestions on what to wear? I’m currently wearing dress pants, a t-shirt, and a cardigan. I previously worked at a firm that was business formalish (I wore suits or dresses). I started paring down and donating pieces, but I’m not sure what to buy. Stretchy knit pants? I don’t want to wear sweatpants. That isn’t conducive to working in my designated home office, but I also don’t want to wear pants that require dry cleaning when I’m home with my dog shedding all over me.

    1. Athleisure. Lolling at idea of wearing dress pants for my WFH days – I consider it getting “dressed” if I’ve put on a different T-shirt than the one I slept in.

    2. I WFH a lot and have several pairs of street leggings from Old Navy. Some cool sweatshirts. My mark of whether I’m “dressed” for a WFH day is to ask myself, if I want to run out at lunch, can throw a puffer on and be good to go? I also weirdly find that wearing shoes helps me feel like I’m in work mode – so I put on allbirds, uggs or another house shoe.

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