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Updated: Sep 1, 2021 284 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Knit Wool T-Shirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I didn’t know that I wanted a mineral green monochromatic outfit, and now it’s all I can think about. This knit wool T-shirt looks super chic and luxe – it feels like something you’d see on a character on The Good Wife.

I would wear it with my best black or navy suit for day in court or tucked into a tan or gray skirt for a more casual day in the office. If you really want to go for it, though, you’re going to need to pick up the matching pants and/or the matching jacket.

The whole ensemble is from Boss, and the T-shirt is $168 at Saks Fifth Avenue. It comes in sizes XS–XXL.

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. SB8

    It’s a bad day for Texas, but let’s not kid ourselves – it’s a bad day for huge swaths of the US. SB8 is the first of many similar bills poised to go into effect, and don’t forget that SCOTUS will take up Roe itself next year.
    In the meantime, if you can, please donate to a Texas abortion fund, your state’s fund, and pro-choice politicians. Look up how to acquire medication ab0rtions via telehealth, for yourself or someone else, and please please don’t get complacent.

    • LawDawg

      Aside from donating, is there anything I can do to make it clear to SCOTUS that this is unacceptable and people are watching. The case is still open and if there is blowback they could potentially act. I know it’s a long shot but I want to do something but I have no idea what. Any suggestions?

    • Anon

      The Supreme Court is not taking up Roe. It’s taking up a case based on a law that looks a lot like the laws in Europe.

      • Anonymous

        ? This comment makes no sense.

        The ‘laws in Europe’ vary WIDELY. It’s not a single country. Some countries have archaic and ridiculously strict laws and other places treat women with respect and allow them to access healthcare.

        Birth control is also widely available and basically free in many countries because they actually have healthcare available to their citizens.

        • Geer

          I’m just wondering how it is in those countries. Is it still the woman’s job not to get pregnant? Or is this a burden borne more equitably within a couple? This is always what makes me so standby (like women here are outraged but where are the outraged men???).

          • Ribena

            In some places the law and the practice are pretty different. In most of the U.K. (rules are different in Northern Ireland) access to abortion is technically only available for medical reasons but in practice it’s on-demand, if my understanding is correct.

          • Emma

            Not sure what “laws in Europe” you are referring to (Europe is 27 distinct countries with different laws). But I’m from a European country where (1) birth control is free and widely accessible even without parental consent (the school nurse could give out condoms and refer you for the pill); (2) the morning after pill was also free and given without parental consent, no questions asked; (3) sex ed was taught in 8th grade so we were all pretty aware; and (4) abortion is available up to 3 months, and after for medical reasons and extenuating circumstances such as hardship. There are some issues with access to abortion, definitely (some doctor’s won’t do it for religious reasons or take an unreasonable amount of time so you pass the 3 month mark), but generally the system works pretty well and the teen pregnancy rate is very low.

          • anon

            And to add to that, I am from a different European country where although everyone has health insurance, BC pills are quite a copay, and the plan B pill until recently was not available over the counter, so you had to get an appointment to see your OBGYN, and many pharmacies still won’t give it to you without a prescription. (Thank you Planned Parenthood!) In recent news, a doctor was just fined for neutrally listing abortions among the health care services available through her office, because a law from the Nazi era (surprise, it was Germany all along!) bans ‘advertising’ of abortions.
            Europe is basically as diverse as the US.

      • Anonymous

        Roe specifically decided that a state couldn’t ban abortion before viability. The Dobbs case before it, bans abortion at 14 weeks, a good 6-7 weeks before even the most generous definition of viability. Agree with the move or not, but it’s squarely taking on Roe in that case.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I’m stuck in m0d purgatory for links, but Mississippi reframed its case involving a 15-week ban to a request to overturn of both Roe and Casey. So yeah Roe is in jeopardy.

    • Anonymous

      It’s a bad day for women everywhere. Misogyny has no bounds and we have to stay active against it. Everyone on this board and all of your female friends and family should know how to do a home abortion with misoprostol. Consider making a donation to Planned Parenthood or another abortion provider.

      Also, in case you need a reminder that things can in fact always get worse for women, just look at Afghanistan today. Progress is not permanent.

      • Seventh Sister

        Also, it’s never a bad idea to have a couple of Plan B kits in the cabinet. They aren’t very expensive and last for a couple years. Yes, I’m a paranoid Californian, but I’ve spent far more money on things that aren’t as useful. And doing things will keep me from punching “progressive” men in the face for saying that they’d trade Roe for Medicare for All.

  2. Anonymous

    I could use sample it phrases for turning a negotiation from personal attack to productive. The opposing counsel always has a joint mediation session and will take the opportunity to make snide remarks, rude comments, etc against the other side (my client). In the past I have been so stunned to see a lawyer do this, but I’m determined to advocate better and not sure what to say.

    Sample: “well of course Jane got hurt at your facility, you don’t care about your employees”

    “That’s not surprising, Sally, knowing your years of financial issues”

    How can I redirect without getting into a nasty back and forth?

    • Anonymous

      “Your statement on how we treat our employees is unnecessary. Let’s remain focused on solutions. Our proposal provides….”

      “Our financial situation and your misperceptions regarding it are not relevant to finding a solution. What is relevant is that your offer overstates ABC… so we propose XYZ.”

      Also any mediator worth their salt will cut off and redirect that kind of commentary into productive solutions.

    • Anonymous

      I refuse to do joint mediation sessions if they are going to be like this. You control whether you are going to be in the room. Tell the mediator you will not do it.

      • Anon

        +1, they’ve also fallen out of favor completely in my jurisdiction, haven’t done one in almost a decade

    • Anon

      Ignore some of those comments with a “what’s your point?” or “keep going, no, really, keep going” look on your face. People who make snide remarks generally dislike having to explain them; they want to sting and move on.

      For counterproductive remarks, use a positive statement and redirect. Rehearse this. “Acme has an outstanding record of employee safety and employee satisfaction. The worker’s comp and medical expenses we are offering Jane are generous by industry standards.”

      • pugsnbourbon

        I’d stay as blank as possible. They want to throw you off your game. I find that if I expect someone to be d!ck going into a conversation, I’m less rattled when they start … being a d!ck.

      • Anonymous

        Ymmv I guess but lawyers tend to be pretty prepared to back up their position (or BS through it), I wouldn’t assume he won’t back up what he says. It’s more likely that he’s trying to bait you down a rabbit hole of arguing back and forth about something that’s beside the point. Don’t rise to it, don’t let him ruffle your feathers, and tell your client during a break that this is all part of his game. In fact if you haven’t had depositions yet, this is great training for any clients that are in attendance – this is exactly what he’s going to do during your dep so now you can be prepared.

    • Geer

      Bless your heat, Norman. We aren’t here for you running commentary.

      Repeat as needed.

    • Anonymous

      I have an opposing counsel who loves to do this, it’s like breathing for him, and he does it in an off handed way that’s woven in with actual points that need to be addressed. It’s purely meant as a distraction. If I responded to every snide comment, we would never get anything done. If the client isn’t around, or if it’s a personal attack on me, then I generally ignore it and keep the ball rolling, and he eventually runs out of steam and sullenly focuses on the actual issues. My time is too valuable to waste on posturing.

      If it were in front of the client, though, I would feel the need to speak up more because I don’t think most clients – even sophisticated clients – really get that it’s not constructive to sling mud. You’ve gotta preserve your white hat though, especially if there’s a neutral involved. “Let’s put the invective aside” or “that’s not constructive” or “I disagree with everything you said but let’s refocus on what we’re trying to accomplish” or even “that’s not accurate.”

      • Anon

        Yes this. Granted, I’m a lawyer who is the client and I used to litigate so I really understand the posturing BS that comes from many male lawyers but I really appreciated when my lawyer said simply that she disagreed with their interpretation but moving on. No need to get down in the muck.

      • Anon

        Agree with this approach. “I obviously disagree but let’s focus on the task at hand. I offered X, what is your response?”

    • Allie

      I do a calm stern teacher voice — “please be professional and, while I’m sure you didn’t intend that, it sounded like a personal attack, we can all be respectful and professional here.” Then if they repeat, sterner and calmer stopping the proceeding as needed and slowing things down, “I’m surprised that you repeated a personal attack, we are all professionals here and I know we can conduct this mediation without personal attacks.” It usually works.

      • Allie

        Also – frequently the man responds saying “sorry, I just feel so strongly about this” and I say very calmly and sternly, “Okay, but please work to keep your emotions under control and stay professional here.”

      • Thx

        I love this….not in law, but this approach can be applied in any business negotiation where parties have strong interests and communications have deteriorated. Thank you.

    • Anon

      That type of comment doesn’t serve their clients, and is actually contrary to their clients’ interests, because all it does is motivate me to work harder on the case and win. I have said this to opposing counsel before, and it has worked a couple of times in getting them to stop with the insulting comments.

  3. Anonymous

    The Texas anti-abortion law went into effect today. Women across the state have lost their access to health care and the law empowers vigilantes to “report violations” for money. Please spam the abortion tip line (you don’t need to provide your contact information), especially if you are in Texas. Our only hope while this law makes its way through the courts is to make the vigilante enforce the useless. My IP address has been blocked, but that’s what VPNs are for. Please stand up for women today.

    https://prolifewhistleblower.com

    • Anonymous

      this!! and use a private or incognito browser, and preferably not your work computer

  4. Wedding Shopping Help if You're Bored

    I’m being lazy, so if anyone wants to do some shopping research for me I would be appreciative!

    Event: Mid-October Mid-Altantic formal wedding, guests are to wear black or black with white. (My preference is all black.)
    Dress/Outfit preferences: long so that I can wear wedges as it is an outdoor on grass wedding. I’m a small straight size with no particular physical considerations to take into account as far as style. I’d prefer something classic that I can wear again. Under $200.

    Thanks in advance!

  5. anon

    Thinking of the poster in Chicago who left her violent husband back in July. How are you doing? We are pulling for you and if you need anything I’m sure this board will rally to help!

  6. Anonymous

    Just a rant about medical costs and billing and how screwed up it is in America. I had to have a breast biopsy back in February (it was benign). I have insurance. It’s a high deductible plan, but it’s decent. I just got the bill for said biopsy and according to the PDF of the paper statement, I owe $2893. Total cost was $5341. But then the provider’s online bill payment portal says I “only” owe $743. So I a) now have to spend my time figuring out why the heck there are two wildly different numbers, and should probably check the itemized bill anyway and b) why does it cost 5k to find out you don’t have breast cancer?! (This is on top of what the mammo and ultrasound cost. And why does it take 6-7 months to get a bill?)

    • Anon

      Did you check the EOB from your insurance company? Or is that the first “bill” you are referring to? You definitely don’t owe more than the EOB says.

      • anonymous

        Yeah, I just wait until I get an actual bill from the provider. I usually ignore the EOB statements from insurance, but maybe in the future I should verify what that says against the bill I get.

      • Anonymous

        Oh that’s the other fun wrinkle. EOB says I may owe $185. Basically it’s clear there’s a disconnect between the insurance company and the provider’s billing on a number of levels and now I get to spend what I’m sure will be an inordinate amount of time sorting it out. And you know lots of people don’t look that closely and will just pay whatever the provider tells them they owe.

        • Curious

          My partner had what turned out to be a completely incorrect charge *for his COVID vaccine*, and yes, it took a stupid amount of time to unravel. Good luck to you.

    • Anon

      I mean, this is the point of a high deductible plan. You pay much lower premiums in exchange for assuming more of the cost when you need a procedure like this, which is hopefully a rare occurrence. It shouldn’t be a shock, and if you (general you, not you personally) don’t have $5k in savings to cover an unexpected medical bill you should pay more for a plan with a lower deductible. I love HDHP and not having to pay large premiums, and I have usually been able to cover bills like this out of HSA money. But if you’re more risk averse or don’t have as much money in HSAs it probably makes sense to pay more for a lower deductible plan.
      I’m glad everything was benign.

      • Anon

        Hilariously (in a tragic way), when my employer switched from a co-pay to HDHP insurance benefit, my premium went UP by about $10 so this is not always what happens.

        • Anon

          That’s because costs go up year-over-year for health care. Also, employers are often covering less of the premium, which increases cost to the employee.

          • Anon

            I understand that and have accepted that it is what it is, I was noting this to push on anon at 9:59’s sweeping statement that HDHPs pay”much lower premiums” in exchange for assuming more of the service cost. I am not the OP.

          • Anon

            You aren’t pushing back on that claim, though – the question is what you would be paying if your company offered both a HDHP and a regular health plan. You are just saying that HDHP in one year (with some unknown employer subsidy) is more than a previous year’s regular plan (with some unknown employer subsidy).

          • Anon

            Furthermore, employers often put money into HSAs for HDHP holders. That is part of the cost to the employer and a direct benefit to you. The elements in determining the cost to you, the employee, are the cost of the plan charged to your employer, the amount your employer picks up, and the amount of other benefits given by the employer (i.e. HSA or FSA contributions).

            The math:
            Your cost 2021 HDHP = total premium2021 + employer HSA contribution – employer subsidy2021
            Your 2020 PPO cost = total premium2020 – employer subsidy2020

            If your company is self-insured (pays all costs and has someone like BCBS administer the plan), a few bad accidents or hospital stays by employees can spike its insurance costs.

          • Anon

            9:59 and I quote, “You pay much lower premiums in exchange for assuming more of the cost when you need a procedure like this.” This poster, who is the only poster I was responding to, said nothing about the remainder of the details you are bringing up, which I am not disputing are valid! This is a complex issue, with details that I am not privy to. However, my response to the one statement re: lower premiums in exchange for assuming more of the cost is not necessarily true only as it relates the $$ amount I pay for my premium. I do not pay “much lower premiums.” In January 2019 I paid less, now I pay more. (My employer’s contribution to our spending plans did not change from the prior plan to the HDHP plan for whatever that is worth). I made no assertion about any of the background information that leads up to the actual reason for the change.

      • Anonymous

        My employer doesn’t offer low deductible plans, and even my high deductible plan is still way less out of pocket total than what I could get on the open market in my state. My point is more why the heck is medical care and insurance in this country so confusing and expensive. I can spend the time and money to figure it out and pay it, but lots of people cannot.

      • Health care reform

        Very fair response and explanation about how HDHP plans work but OPs point is that the costs seem very high and then she received two bills with different amounts due…so she now has to investigate the difference and ensure she pays the right amount. I have found the inconsistencies in billing are now standard(expect to investigate every bill or you will be overcharged) and have nothing to do with which health plan you’re on…it is a function and result of a health care system that has grown far too complex, has not modernized billing technologies and is in need of significant reform to improve patient experience.

        • Anon

          Why not just pay the lower one and let them follow up if they think they’re owed more? Hospitals are not shy about telling you when they’re owed money.

    • Anonymous

      Not to defend our medical system (because it’s despicable), but $5341 doesn’t sound crazy to me for a biopsy when you consider you have a medical professional doing the procedure, a space that you have to pay for to do it in, and a lab to analyze the specimen. Hospitals negotiate rates with insurance companies and have different rates for out-of-pocket patients so the discrepancy between what it “costs” and what you have to pay doesn’t surprise me either. Also glad it’s negative.

    • Anon

      I feel this! I was 23 and needed a breast ultrasound and then biopsy and it was my first time navigating anything medical beyond an annual.

      I got a bill months later for nearly $600 and I called my mom asked why have insurance if it still costs this much. I had good insurance too- was still on my parents plan so had federal govt health insurance. But, I was living in DC working at an NGO so this bill was massive for me and my 42k salary (and minuscule savings since I had been in the workforce for less than a year).

    • Anon

      The actual reason is that health care costs are based around Medicare and Medicaid costs *and billing.* Hospitals are required to give the government the best price. You can’t circumvent that by charging Medicare patients one way (using the Medicare billing codes) and charging insurance/cash pay patients a different way (e.g., flat fee), because the government cannot make an apples-to-apples comparison. That means everyone is stuck using these dysfunctional codes, which makes it impossible for anyone to figure out how to bill.

    • NYNY

      I work in healthcare billing, and completely agree with you that it’s terrible.

      One of the many issues with high deductible plans is that the policyholders have to become fluent in medical billing, which is ridiculously complex. You definitely need to compare any bills you receive with the EOB from your insurance company, and if you have any concerns, call both the provider’s billing line and the insurance company.

      It’s possible that you are receiving separate bills for the facility and professional components of the biopsy, so one bill for the hospital or lab that took the sample and processed it, and another for the pathologist who interpreted the lab results.

      It costs $5K because if the healthcare providers bill less that the rate they have contracted with the insurance company, they don’t get paid their full rate. Since each contract has different rates, and cost of living adjustments built in, provider charges are usually their highest contracted rate + a margin to ensure that they aren’t underbilling. This is ridiculous, but it works when it’s just providers and insurance companies involved, but with high deductible plans, the patients have a steep learning curve and a lot of stress.

      Finally, it takes a long time to get a bill because of the process. The provider has to bill your insurance first. Since you haven’t met your deductible, the insurance company processes the claim and sends remittance to the provider showing what the contracted rate is, a code to adjust off the remaining balance, and a code to show that you are responsible for paying the contracted rate. If the provider has any other insurance open in your file, they will send your balance there first, only to get denied because you don’t have that coverage. They finally push it to self-pay, which means you’ll get a statement. Each step of the process can take 30-45 days, and since COVID, many insurance companies have had longer processing delays.

      Again, not defending the system here, just explaining it. It’s awful and needs massive reform.

    • Anon

      I just got a letter that Caremark won’t fill my script without prior authorization. For a maintenance medication, for an incurable condition, that I have been taking for decades. Nothing has changed. Same med, same diagnosis, same lab results, same job, same insurance plan.

      • Anonymous

        Possible another drug came out in the space or went generic or protocol changed? That’s often what triggers preauthorization—the doc is no longer prescribing what is most cost-efficient or deemed first line of treatment for the situation.

    • Formerly Lilly

      If you don’t have or don’t understand your EOB, call your insurance company. Find out what they say you owe and the basis for that number: deductible, your share, it’s in network or out of network, etc. If the provider is trying to bill you more than that, see if your insurance company will help you with them. A hospital tried to balance bill me about $12k for a lung biopsy, and after going the rounds with the hospital for months, pointlessly, I called the insurance company. They got the hospital on the line and straightened that sh!t out in a matter of minutes.

  7. how to reduce your screen time

    looking for your best tips to reduce screen/scrolling time…..what has worked for you?

      • +1

        Grayscale, timers for apps that run during the “work day”, BlockSite, and not having social media apps on my phone.

    • Anon

      Removing apps from my phone, reading “how to do nothing” on the attention economy

    • Anon

      I’ve tried all the tricks like removing apps from my phone, leaving the phone plugged in in an inconvenient place, etc., but the only thing that REALLY works for me is doing something else that is fully engaging like mountain biking or rock climbing. improve the quality of your hobbies and you will naturally gravitate to the phone less.

    • Curious

      I have to go cold turkey and have no phone days. It breaks some of the habits. But also I’m here :) so you can see it’s imperfect.

    • Carrots

      For games that seem to have no end, I have a screen time limit on them. For all of my other apps that are easy to get sucked into scrolling, I have them shut down at a certain time. You can do both in your iphone settings.

  8. Allie

    Can anyone recommend a site to buy used/vintage jewelry in the $50-$500 range. Kind of the equivalent of thread up? I hate poshmark’s interface, etsy is fine, but I’m not that interested in the Real Real’s focus on certain brands. I feel like there should be a site where you can just scroll more pleasantly and buy used jewelry without the wild west of ebay.

    • Anon

      I think etsy is where it’s at, for low-$ vintage. Getting the right filters on your search helps tons.

    • Anon

      I like eBay – make sure there’s a return policy and check the seller ratings. I’ve bought a few really really nice things there from little Main Street jewelers using eBay as their clearance rack.

  9. anon

    I am going to a wedding this weekend for my cousin that I don’t know well but want to. there’s no registry or gift info. Should I give cash, and if so how much? (some family drama back story here- I grew up super close with cousin but our parents had a falling out. I have now moved back home and have reconnected with his parents, although the period we were close was when I was too young to really remember or appreciate).

    All that to say I don’t want to offend or fall short in my nice-ness. We’re in Texas, the couple is in their late 30s, we’re indian (although not at all traditional) and she’s not, if any of that influences the suggestion,

    • More Sleep Would Be Nice

      Hi! Fellow Indian Texan here. I say $101-150 in a nice envelope (“cover”) and you should be fine. You know the deal – “No Boxed Gifts”, always. We had a registry and still had to put that on our invite (mixed couple).

    • Anonnymouse

      It feels a little weird to suggest amounts as everyone’s budget is different, but several hundred dollars sounds great to me. I’m a similar age to your cousin and also in Texas, if that matters, but not Indian.

    • Anon

      $100 is my standard wedding gift. None of the backstory matters to your gift giving.

    • Texas

      I’m not Indian and would go with $100-$200. If you want to get to know cousin better, what about including in the card that will accompany the cash that you’d like to take the couple out for dinner after they return from the honeymoon/after they’re settled/whatever to continue celebrating with them and catch up?

    • Anon

      This is all based on personal budget not on some complicated familial backstory (other than the general closer relations/friends usually get a little more $ value). For TX, IME, general gift amount for a middle income individual is $50 – $100 for general family and $100-$200 for close friends/family.

    • Anon

      I’d give $150. My rule is $100/person, but $150/person for close friends/family. I’d give the “close” amount given the desire to re-connect!

    • Anonymous

      If you feel weird giving cash, I always like to give a GC to a restaurant or restaurant group in an amount that’s enough to cover dinner and drinks for two. I like to think I’m giving them a date night.

      • Anon

        OpenTable or something like that is even better because it allows them to choose the place. But I would give cash, especially since you’re Indian and giving cash is standard.

  10. Anon

    Has anyone been in legal dispute with a landlord? What can I expect? The landlord has a 4K deposit and has presented ludicrous accusations regarding what was wrong with the small house on move out inspection. I was expecting it – he cannot find a tenant and the lease has a clause that says if there is so much repair that it will take him more than two days to turn over the place, we owe him a daily rent amount. I have an attorney through my legal coverage plan but he is very unresponsive. So far, he has written a letter to the landlord saying you can’t show the home every day. Any experiences? Tips? Thanks!

    • Anon

      This will cost you more in legal fees and stress than the 4K. Consider that amount gone and move on with your life.

      • Anon

        Disagree, she can try small claims court or other avenues before giving up. Landlords always get away with it because people give up. OP, try a different lawyer and consider small claims court. I know someone who effectively took care of his case that way. You can also see if your city has a free housing legal advice clinic and you can make a donation if you can afford it.

        • Anon

          If she lived there for any amount of time, a small claims judge will at least split the difference and that would be the result in any settlement discussion not taking fees into account. For 2K, you’ve got to think about whether investing your time and energy is worth it. I don’t think it is.

          • Anon

            It depends on how much $4,000 is worth to you. It may be quite a lot of money to the OP.

        • landlord junk

          +1

          That is what I would do. To me 4K is SO MUCH MONEY, and I would be angry for so long if I let the landlord win. But do you have before/after pix and can clearly argue why what he is claiming is not true?

          In this scenario I might also try to help rent the apartment ASAP, and definitely let anyone see it every day to get it rented.

          I also think Anon @ 11:08 response is not wrong. Sometimes your time and sanity is worth more, if you are wealthy and can afford a 4K loss. In my life being able to afford that means you are wealthy!

          • Anon

            I get that 4K is a lot, but actually recovering it is a pipe dream. If OP litigates, the recovery is certainly less than whole. She’s also described contractual clauses that make it likely recovery is zero. That’s where I get best case scenario is 2K. If I needed to make 2K back, I wouldn’t personally invest in a fight. Fighting “on principle” sounds great but the person you’re fighting rarely to never cares about your principle (the old drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die analogy). So, I’d look for other ways to recover that amount – time to cull out random subscriptions I’m not using, maybe pick up extra work (overtime if you’re hourly) like walking dogs in your neighborhood or driving Uber or whatever. If you’re thinking “all that takes time,” don’t forget so does your fight. All of those are more life expanding than a fight with a nasty landlord. You could meet interesting people, get some exercise, at the very least you won’t have the emotional drag of litigating your rental issue. I see so much on here about anxiety, depression, searching for happiness, and this is just one example about how you can choose your path and come out in the same financial place.

      • anon a mouse

        Is the daily rent amount in addition to the deposit, and is it capped in any way? If he’s being a jerk I would fear that he would try to hold the whole deposit for damages and then try to pursue the daily rent amount. I think it’s worth contacting your legal coverage plan and asking for a supervisor to try to make clear that you want a strongly worded letter about harassment and frivolous charges sent. You could also see if your county has a tenants rights office that has resources.

        Did you take pictures upon move-out? Can you prove that the accusations are ludicrous?

    • Anonymous

      I pretty much never expect to get my security deposit back. Landlords can find a way to say things need fixing and there’s not much you can do to show they’re wrong unless they’re really blatant about it. Maybe you’ll have some success if you have pictures proving that he’s lying about the damage?

      I’ve never seen a daily rent clause like that before, that seems really weird, but I assume it was put in there specifically so they don’t have to give you your security deposit back. I mean, even painting and cleaning can take more than 2 days, of course any repairs will take longer.

    • Anony

      I had a similar situation with a landlord over 10 years ago now and it was when $4k would have equaled 2 months salary so I totally get it. The landlord claimed that we owed her all this money for not filling the oil and propane tanks when we moved out, which was BS. I wrote her a letter laying out everything that had been wrong with the place when we moved in and went wrong while we lived there, that we were flexible on (think no running water for multiple days), and that I was not going to give her any additional money. I also added in a part of taking her to small claim’s court. Long story short, we got our security deposit back.

      So can you directly appeal to your landlord – ‘Dear John, remember when the water heater broke/the toilet backed up/something happened and we were flexible with you about the repairs/issue? We’ve always been a great tenant for you and I don’t understand why you are doing this. I have pictures from when we moved in and when we moved out, and can assure you that your claims about damages are unfounded and based solely on the fact that you can’t find a new renter. I strongly suggest that we come to an understanding before I involve my lawyer and take you to small claim’s court (and you know how our state sides with tenants). Please mail me a check for the full security deposit amount by Sept. 15th.”

      If that doesn’t work, you have to either get your lawyer more fully involved or find a new one. My state has a free legal clinic that offers help for tenants so you could check that as well.

    • Anon

      Is this a formal security deposit that he’s withholding? Some states have extremely strict standards for withholding security deposits. Our AG (Mass) has a renter’s resource page that takes you through all of this. It’s been a hot second, but if I recall, in our state landlord has to return the deposit once you’re out (in full!) and only then submit to renter an itemized list of the cost to repair/restore.

      • Anon

        The landlord also owes you interest on the security deposit in some states. In Massachusetts, landlords who fail to follow the law re: security deposits are liable for treble damages AND attorneys’ fees.

        • Anonymous

          +1. I would 100% look into this much more fully before throwing in the towel. I do know people who have successfully countered abusive landlords, including in Allston in Massachusetts (scammy landlord central).

          • Anon

            I’ve gotten the deposit back (3K) for a family member but the landlord (who was a crook) filed a bar complaint (which was dismissed). I was fairly heavy handed about it (long story short sent him a notice of civil theft (Florida) and intervened in his foreclosure on same house (my brother was named in foreclosure and was the tenant)). Brother did amazing things to clean house (general contractor) and landlord was claiming doctrine of “holdover” when brother took extra two days to steam clean house and power wash entire outside of the said foreclosed house.

  11. More Sleep Would Be Nice

    Looking for a photographer reccomendation.

    DH and I have NEVER done family pictures, and would like to attempt it this year with our two kids under 4, and MAYBE our energetic young dog. We are located in Houston, and want to take them at Leeland Street Graffiti Park. Can anyone here recommend a photographer that is good at these types of pictures in this type of setting? We haven’t taken any “formal” pictures since our wedding 7 years ago!

    TIA!

    • Anon

      Call your wedding photographer, they usually do this and what you’re looking for is pretty common. Include the dog – those are always fun pics.

      • Anonymous

        She was great, but wedding photographer was based in a different city, so looking for local recommendations.

        • Clementine

          This is one of the two reasons I still have Facebook. A nice little, ‘Looking for local recommendations for a Houston family photographer’ should get you some suggestions from friendly acquaintances.

    • Anon

      i have a few recs – Nicole Ivey Photography, Meredith Flaherty Photography, Jessica Laviage Photo, Sara Stanley Photography

  12. welp

    I am behind on getting draft brief to the client. I know that it will be done on time (I already asked for and received an extension) but another case blew up and required my immediate attention and I am struggling in other ways. How do I reassure the client?

    • Anonymous

      Only one way — get it done. Pull in help on this or other things that are pulling you away from this priority.

  13. Anonnymouse

    Ok, so truly just a question out of curiosity (not judgement) – I find myself not relating at all to folks who seem to be pretty concerned with whether a item of clothing is “in.” For instance, there was a comment about nude-for-you shoes yesterday.
    Maybe it’s because I’m pretty interested in fashion, and have a clear sense of my own style, and close to plus-size (meaning, styling clothes isn’t a point of anxiety for me, and I know what works for my body). Maybe it’s worries about looking dated?
    Thoughts?

    • Anon

      A lot of us are having to figure out clothes now. I had clothes in February 2020. I could have stood to lose a few pounds after an extended illness and surgery. My job had moved to a block from a YMCA. What could go wrong with my closet???

      Now: nothing fits and I’ve not been back in a gym. I didn’t even go to work most of 2020 and 2021 because schools and camps shut down. I got a dog, so I need clothes that are OK on a zoom but washable b/c of dog. I’d also like those close to be wicking in warm weather.

      Also: I don’t understand jeans now. Barrel jeans? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Why so many rolled cuffs? And must everything be cropped? I don’t care if it’s cool but I don’t want to spend $ on stuff that won’t at least be office-tollerable.

      • anon

        I haaaate cropped pants with a fiery passion. They’re cute on others, but to me, they’re wearable for such a short time. When it’s cold, I want to wear socks and real shoes and not have my ankles exposed.

    • anonymous

      I don’t care about what is “in” or trendy. I’m in my mid-40s and I used to chase trends when I was in my 20s. Nowdays I’ve learned what style of clothes work for my body and generally stick to a uniform. I also WFH so I dress pretty casually and really don’t have a need for a lot of new clothes.

      • Senior Attorney

        I feel like as I get older it is more, not less, important to be at least somewhat current. I have a same-age colleague who is still wearing her “uniform” of Brooks Brothers suits with button-front sh!rts and I’m sorry but it just looks odd even though the clothes fit well and are flattering. “Stuck in a time warp” is never a good look. (Not saying that’s you, anonymous at 11:00 a.m.)

        • Anon

          I agree with this completely! Also, sometimes you want to avoid the too-trendy look as well. It’s hard to find the right balance sometimes.

    • Anonymous

      I dont worry about it but I also don’t want to wake up one day and realize my clothes are 10 years out of date. There’s a lot that is trendy that doesn’t work for me but I like to know what the trends are when there is something good I can go for it.

    • Emma

      I wear lots of things that aren’t “in”. I have some cute nude for me leather pumps in a classic style and will keep them at the office (since I’m going back part-time). I also like skinny jeans and hate these new trendy cuts. I like to buy classic, high quality pieces and I am not going to throw them out after a few seasons if they are in good condition and I like them. I work in a pretty conservative office and don’t need to be super fashion forward (including in my non-office time – I like to go out but I’m not clubbing or picking up guys in a trendy spot or anything like that). I like fashion but have a pretty good sense of what I like and these days I focus more on quality and less on what’s in this year.

    • anon

      I care somewhat about knowing what’s in style, but at the end of the day, I pick what works for my lifestyle, my body type, and my style preferences. Sometimes that matches up with trends, and sometimes it doesn’t. I am 41 and not interested in overhauling my closet all the time. Add a certain trendy pant, and it becomes a slippery slope of needing a different pair of shoes that coordinate with the silhouette. I do experiment with trends if I think it’s cute and speaks to me, but that’s sort of the exception, not the rule. And I like to wear my clothes until they wear out rather than getting rid of them because they don’t pass muster style-wise. Apparently, I’m doing OK enough because I’m often told that I dress nicely. Looking current is about more than just the clothes; hair and makeup also factor in. It helps to have at least a passing idea of what’s happening, otherwise you end up being the middle-aged woman who is still teasing her bangs. That is something I would like to avoid.

    • Anon

      It’s a part of looking like you’re in touch. My style is classic mixed with trendy. So say years ago, I might have styled a sweater with a statement necklace, I wouldn’t do that once those became a really dated look. Now that it’s not ubiquitous, I’d pull the necklace out again. Similarly, I’ll buy tops with current sleeves (puff and ruffle) and wear those for a current look with classic pants that look good on me. I keep track of what’s trending, in and out so I don’t look like the person stuck in another era.

      • emeralds

        Agreed. I switched to a center part because it felt more updated to me than sticking with the side part and I’m currently wearing pants with a paper bag waist…but I’m also wearing a vintage button-down I’ve had since 2010, earrings I got in college, and a cardigan from 2015-ish. I like clothes, I have a good sense of my own style, and I want to stay in touch with what’s current, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to turn over my closet every year or adopt every trend that comes along.

    • Anon

      I think there is an unusually high amount of anxiety on this board on that subject. We get a lot of questions where anxiety about not looking cool or in is palpable (or anxiety about basic dressing for weather). I don’t know anybody in my real life who has that anxiety, at least not anybody in their 30s and above. All of my friends are at the IDGAF stage of life.

      • emeralds

        Said with love and appreciation for the many things this community has given me over the last decade: I think there’s a high amount of anxiety on this board, period :)

        • Anon

          Yeah, I think that’s true, but anxiety about big stuff (marriage, pandemic, politics) is a bit more clear to me than anxiety about what my friends and I call “low stakes” questions like whether pants are trendy. I say this as someone who has gotten needlessly anxious about low stakes things before, but it’s helpful to have someone tell you to stop worrying!

      • Anonnymouse

        I think this is exactly what I’m picking up on. As a teen/young 20s was kind of annoyingly focused with being different and not just following trends just because they were trendy. So now, in my 30s, I have evolved to just wearing what I like and looks good. Because honestly, some trends are just not for me (looking at you, puff sleeves, prairie dresses, XL sneakers).

      • Anon

        Well also because this is at least nominally a fashion blog so this is the place where people will ask those questions. Doesn’t mean they spend all day obsessing about them.

    • Cat

      IDGAF whether an item is “in,” just mostly whether it’s out – dated – passe. If I showed up to work in a pencil skirt, Tippi, and statement necklace with nude-for-me patent wedges, I would look like I had time traveled to 2011. So, I think asking about nude-for-you shoes is worthwhile.

      Given how long most of us have been mostly staying home, suddenly pulling out a work outfit that looked perfectly fine in September 2019 and squinting at it to see if it still looks “in touch” isn’t surprising to me…

      • Anon

        Except 99% of the people around you wouldn’t notice or care as long as you looked professional and had laundered clothes. I only notice if someone is wearing something hideously inappropriate or extremely poorly fitting. Maybe it’s different if you work in high fashion or something but most people don’t.

          • Anon

            Right — we had someone who was still wearing full suits with hose right after the Lehman crash. It’s ancient history now, but it was history then and just looked so out of touch. You could update a bit (bare legs or tights in winter; break up the suit into pieces), but some looks don’t age well and some need tweaks and moving your existing pieces along is a challenge.

            OTOH, I am here for cropped sweaters. Because as a short person, I finally have sweaters that fit.

          • Anon

            Noticing is one thing. I have been around women who “noticed” other women’s fashion. I have never once been in a meeting where someone said “we can’t give that promotion/contract/plum project to Jane because she wears clothes that aren’t current.”

            I think some folks here need a reality check about the non-linkage between how people perceive your fashion sense and how that actually affects your career trajectory. Some of the most powerful women I have known in my life and career were some of the most fashion-backward. You can also see this by looking at people like Mary Barra, Indra Nooyi, etc. – women who are CEOs and actually have power. If you’re counting on your clothes or sense of style to somehow carry the day for you, vs. your intelligence, your work habits, your social skills, your ability to network, and your ability to deliver results, I have some bad news for you. People may notice your clothes; they pay attention and make decisions based on your performance. The only place I think that may not be true is in the fashion industry. But I don’t get the sense many of us here are in that industry.

          • Anon

            Anon at 12:08, I have heard this kind of commentary “Jane’s thinking is as dated as her clothes,” “ Jane lacks executive presence,” etc. just because you haven’t heard it doesn’t mean it’s not a thing. How you present yourself goes into how your performance is perceived, like it or not.

          • Anon

            I work plenty hard, so I don’t need my clothes to work at cross-purposes to that. They need to work as hard as I do. This is tricky if you’re not tall/thin or if you are pregnant, etc. And also tricky if the clothes in your mall are mainly not for older women with office jobs (even if our office is our kitchen, we need to not look like a failed lifestyle blogger on our zooms).

          • Anon

            OK I am glad I dont live/work in a sophisticated place where people dress well, in that case.
            Signed, another Anon in SF Bay area

          • Anonymous

            IMO, they can notice all they want, but in the meantime, I’ll be kicking @ss and taking names on my work products. If I’ve ever been denied a promotion or raise because I have no fashion sense, it’s not evident – my last raise was 10%.

          • No Face

            One of the reasons why I love working at a smaller firm in the Midwest, especially in the pandemic. None of us care at all.

          • PLB

            Anon @ 12:23 I completely agree particularly about having executive presence. I have a state government background and best believe you are not getting a public-facing executive position or a judgeship if you look shabby, including out of date. That goes for c-suite roles in my private corporation as well. Presentation is part oft our “work product” at some levels.

    • Anonymous

      So, I know what silhouettes flatter me, and stick to them for underpinnings like pants and dresses. But I check to see what is trending to make sure I wear any trending items or colors that I already have while they are trending, and to pick up a few new items each year that will keep my look fresh. It works, I get complements that folks love my wardrobe, without me having to do much of a rework.

    • Anon

      Like it or not, ageism and looking dowdy is a serious issue for me as a woman in tech. I know this group skews heavily law, which is a rather insular world, but in my professional circles you can’t show up looking like you fell out of the 90s and be expected to maintain a competitive edge.

      I’m not saying I live on Insta and look like a fashion victim, but I do keep an eye on silhouettes, hair style, and general concepts, and make revisions as necessary.

      • Anon

        100% co-sign this and I’m a lawyer. I think it’s also true in law. Perhaps less so at a firm, although mine was a fashion show, and definitely in-house.

    • Anon

      Again? I don’t know why anyone frequents a fashion board if they really don’t care what’s in style. I am far from a slave to fashion – I sat out the entire low rise trend because it doesn’t suit my body, and I will do it again – but if you’re buying new things it’s helpful to know what’s trending so you don’t feel out of place. My style certainly changes with trend cycles and I’m sure yours does too, because that’s what’s available in stores at any given time.

      It’s like that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where they remind Andie that she thought she made a choice when she bought her sweater, but the color was chosen by the people in that room.

      If you’re not interested at all in fashion, why frequent a fashion blog? And really, even more ridiculously, why go out of your way to critique people who are there because they are interested? Don’t you have better things to do with your time?

      • Anon

        Well said.

        This group doesn’t seem like a good fit for you, OP. Why not look elsewhere for online interaction, with a group that has interests you share?

        • Anonnymouse

          I’m sorry my post came across this way – I actually visit this blog because I very much love fashion and putting clothes together. I guess my curiosity, like another poster mentioned above, was the high level of anxiety I see sometimes around things being “in or out.”
          Also, I think there is quite a bit of difference from being stylish and being trendy/current. I don’t really care about being trendy (but will definitely try them from time to time) but care a lot bout being stylish, which I feel like is more about personal style.

          • eertmeert

            Do you ever think it might be your own judgement of others that is leading you to read these questions as “highly anxious?”

      • Anon

        While I don’t disagree with the content of this comment, the tone and aggressiveness displayed here are inappropriate. If you’re this emotionally invested in the topic, Anon at 12:04, to the point where you need to lash out at people, maybe you need to take a break from posting here.

      • Anon

        I completely agree. I am getting sick of the recent commenters who say “omg can we not” to any little question about fashion. Go somewhere else if it bothers you that much.

    • Worried

      I don’t follow a trend unless it’s something I would buy anyway. Let’s say a certain colour or shape is available— this gives me an opportunity to purchase an item. I have always loved a style of print and range of colours, so I am excited when the possibility is there as opposed to all solid colours in the same range of neutrals, which seems to be all I have seen in my area lately. I have long curly hair, and combined with my features, I have often been told I could be in a costume drama lol, so from this perspective, I try and stay ‘current’ I also veer towards more feminine styles. I try and stay current, so I don’t appear too costume-y — I don’t really follow jeans or pants trends, but with dresses and skirts I have been told by my mom, sister and husband when I try things things on that may be fashionable…looking at you prairie style dresses…that I could be an extra. In a very small way, I think my overall look that I was assembling early on in my work, may have appeared too soft, but I adapted early on and figured out a compromise between what I liked and how to appear in synch with the industry norms, so to speak.

      • Clementine

        As someone who looks like she’s cosplaying Amish and/or in a period drama while wearing a middle part or a prairie dress… I get this too.

        I know what my style is, but I do like to tweak it to stay current. I won’t wear trends that don’t flatter me, but I will work within the current trends if they work for me. For example, I swapped out my maxi dresses for jumpsuits. I still would only wear items which work for my coloring and frame (also, why is beige trending right now? Does not work on me.)

        • Worried

          +1 on the beige! I needed to replace a cardigan recently and actually went in store — early morning before outdoor mall opened so it wouldn’t be busy( we have a mask mandate in effect, but are cautious). Stores had mostly beige and grey… not even cream or dark blue!

        • Anon

          Yes! Like Worried and Clementine, I have curly hair and that’s a factor. With blonde ringlets and a round face, I veer towards a ‘severe’ style to combat that and avoid anything patterned (unless striped or windowpane checks), frilly, puffy or in soft colours. No cardigans! Jumpsuits make me look like a children’s performer, it’s certainly a look for me, ha!

    • Anon

      I think that at the core, this is a blog about work fashion and so I don’t really understand the pushback that happens when people post questions about “what’s current” or “is such-and-such in or out.” While I am not deeply invested in the answers to those questions, I understand that other people are, and while I don’t contribute most of the time to those discussions, I generally learn something by reading them. I’m in my 40s and work full-time from home in a boring industry where (from what I can see on Zoom) most people wear athleisure to work in their home offices. So, discussions about whether or not a certain kind of shoe is “in” really aren’t relevant for me and I don’t really care about the answer. But we have people here in a wide variety of careers and professions, working in a wide array of work environments, so if someone needs to ask the question and get feedback, what’s the harm in letting them ask? There’s no need to go into that conversation and say “who cares,” or “wear what you want,” etc. They care, and I am sure they are wearing what they want, but they want some input and this is a great place to get it.

      One thing I wish everyone reading and posting here would get better at is learning how to just not post in (or even read!) conversations they aren’t interested in or don’t care about. I am not dating so don’t post in conversations about “what’s the best dating app.” I don’t have a small child, so most of those conversations aren’t relevant to me. I don’t work in BigLaw and so don’t usually contribute (or even read) those questions/conversations. Kat built in the feature so that we can collapse all comments. That makes it easy to scroll through the discussions and find the content you’re interested in. If you see a question like “is this type of shoe in or out,” and you don’t know and don’t care, just keep scrolling. Someone else who does know and/or care will answer the question. Or they won’t. If folks do want to insist on posting about how they don’t care about something, or adding some snarky comment, they should admit to themselves that is 100% about them needing an outlet for their anger/aggression and has nothing to do with wanting to contribute to the community here. At least be honest with yourself, if you’re doing that, that A. it isn’t contributory and B. you probably need to examine why you feel being rude to people online is the right way to get out your feelings, vs. doing something more productive.

      • Anon

        +1 million to not commenting on a topic you don’t care about

        And also maybe think twice about diagnosing everyone who cares about a topic you don’t care about as having anxiety.

        The first test for any considerate response should be “am I trying to help or am I asserting my superiority?”

      • Anon

        Absolutely agree with everything you’ve said. Collapsing is so great, especially when I have a feeling reading comments on a certain topic will just rile me up. I have no desire to do that to myself.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      This is technically a fashion blog but I don’t care about being “in”. I care about looking professionals and appropriate. I don’t need to look trendy. I actually hate anything trendy because it means you’re just going along with everyone else and it will be out of style in a few years. Give me classic and timeless pieces.

  14. Anon

    Some of my friends have kids in college now. We are pretty basic people. I am seeing dorm pics that seem tryouts for a show called “pimp my dorm room,” but in a very high-design level way (like my house is not this deliberately done). I knew some people who matched quilts with their roommates, but my college had a lot of outlet malls, so I don’t think that kids were dropping a lot of $ on even that. Is this really a thing? And I guess that this is what kids without school debt do? I am sort of blown away but it turns out that there are companies that specialize in this.

    • Anon

      The only people showing dorm pics are the ones with tricked out dorms. Also, lots of kids register for graduation parties so a lot of that “intentionally matched” stuff is because it’s from the same target line. I don’t think you should assume an absurd amount of money went into decorating a dorm room. I also don’t think you should judge a teenager that put some money into decorating their HOME for nine months out of the year (that’s only 200 to 300 sq ft if that) just because your current home isn’t well decorated.
      Just say “oh cute dorm” and move on.

      • Anon

        OTOH, I’ve seen custom headboards, so unless you are ultra-crafty, that seems very extra to me. I think Angie Harmon has a line of things like this with skulls on it (I guess it’s cleared with Alexander McQueen, who I think of when I see skulls as logos when not used by pirates).

        • Cat

          Yes, kids take extra effort in doing stuff like this. (FWIW a custom headboard that’s square is not particularly hard to do.) Why are you stressed about it?

        • Anonymous

          Lol why would it be cleared with Alexander McQueen? They don’t own all skulls.

          You are being weird again

          • Anon

            She lives in my city now. I’ve seen her stuff and thought it was a McQueen ripoff. And I loved Law & Order but really thought that Rizzoli & Isles was borderline unwatchable and was surprised that it was constantly renewed. Sorry Angie.

      • Anon

        omg I’ve never heard of registering for graduation parties, but that is too over the top.

        • Senior Attorney

          Honestly? I feel like if gifts are customary (as they are at a graduation party), it’s not the worst thing to have a registry so at least the gifts will be something the graduate likes. Same with showers and weddings. Bring on the registries, says I!

          • No Face

            As someone who is terrible at picking out gifts, and I am very pro-registry.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        There’s a weird strain of people here that take a sort of pride in being “basic” about their space. Which, if it makes you happy, great. But I really don’t get the hate I read here on people on spending money on making the place they live nice or even beautiful.

        • Anon

          I think it’s weird to judge those who are “basic” about their space. I think it’s one thing for an adult wants to spend their hard earned $ on making something beautiful, but I think it’s good for college aged kids to have to deal with less than ideal living arrangements. It’s a normal stage of becoming an adult, and there’s a whole crop of young adults who have never had to deal with something that they dont like. It’s fine. They’ll be fine to have milk crates and mismatched comforters.

          • Anonymous

            This is exactly what I mean. Why can’t a college kid decorate their space? They are presumably making the best of a cinder block shoebox, not moving into the ritz. They need milk crates because you think they didn’t earn the money they spent? Or because your own dorm room
            was ugly? Why?

            By that logic I can’t use my inheritance to renovate my kitchen or buy a beautiful piece of art because I haven’t earned it.

            I’d rather meet the adults who found the spirit and means to make a depressing dorm room lovely than the ones who insist everyone live in a shabby looking space because they once did. No one is judging the basic people; if they’re happy then…shrug. But stop acting like wanting a nice space is frivolous or that people don’t deserve them. The bottom line is that living in a beautiful space is something that is important to some of us and it’s a totally valid and worthwhile pursuit.

        • Anon

          I think it’s fine if you have $ to spend. I doubt most people do and I hate that anyone feels pressure to spend even more on things.

    • Cat

      Coordinating with a roommate to make sure your dorm looks cute is by no means new (I am an early 00’s college grad)… I think the extra attention comes with the territory when you’re growing up in the social media era.

      Why do you think the kids are the ones paying for it?

    • PLB

      There’s an informative article about this (including the customs headboards—they attach with command strips to the wall!) in Vox magazine. Link to follow.

    • Anon

      My grandmother’s high school graduation present to me was a custom-painted steamer trunk (for the foot of my bed) and a lovely Laura Ashley bedspread/pillow case/decorative pillow set. It might have been “extra,” but it was so pretty and made living in a 150 square foot space with another human far more pleasant.

    • Anon

      Hahaha my son is leaving shortly for college and I’m still trying to convince him that he will need a comforter and a shower caddy and a bathrobe. We are so far from pimp my dorm room I can’t even see it from here.

      So it’s far from universal.

      Yes, my son is a computer science major, why do you ask?

      • Anon

        Push for white sheets then. Something that will look dirty when it’s dirty vs just making you wonder.

        • Anon

          Good point. We bought a set of navy but he also has hand me down white ones from his sister’s dorm years.

    • Anon

      Kids do decorate their rooms these days beyond posters and string lights. When I was in college and interviewing for jobs there was a fellow interviewee who was talking about redecorating her apartment. I remember being gobsmacked that anyone would spend money on a temporary college apartment or that it would even occur to anyone to decorate it once, let alone re-decorate.

    • Anon

      I feel like college is so expensive now that most parents can barely pay for it and everyone is secretly borrowing. But then you show up and other kids go places for spring break and you go home on the bus b/c no one can come get you. But everyone senses that b/c you don’t decorate and some kids really do. I guess I feel bad for poorer female students; I am also guessing that guys don’t really do this except to get a remnant to put down on the floor so it’s not just linoleum under your feet.

      • Anon

        +1

        I graduated college 6 years ago, and I was middle class when most people at my college were from wealthier families. Like, less than half of my friends from college had financial aid and/or loans, and I had both. My friends are all low-key/down to earth – I wasn’t running with the showy or rich crowd and yet most kids still came from money.

        Luckily, my freshman roommates (and good friend to this day) was in a similar boat so we called each other to discuss what colors we were buying stuff, but we separately bought uncoordinated stuff at Walmart. On the other hand- my sophomore year roommate spent over $3,000 decorating her side of our dorm room, while I re-used last year’s Walmart purchases.

    • Anon

      So, I am not sure if this is just one person or there are multiple people doing this, but I feel like these “wow, look at the absurdities of late-stage capitalism!” posts are getting kind of old. Yes, there are all kinds of ways people can spend their money that may seem over-the-top, nonsensical, or ridiculous to other people. I am not sure how that is “new news” to anyone. No, you don’t have to do anything with your money you don’t want to do. Sometimes I wonder what the point of these posts are? Are you looking for commiseration, pushback, extra information, what?

    • Anon

      I just truly dont get the point – it seems like such a waste of money (and of things! this strikes me as super consumerist) to decorate a place you’ll be living for 9 months (and really, only spending time in there to sleep and maybe study?).

      I think there’s something to be said for paying your dues as a young adult, and living somewhere that’s not splashed out is certainly part of it.

      • Senior Attorney

        And then much of it ends up in the dumpster when they move out for the summer. That’s the part that makes me go “hmmm.”

      • Anon

        Alternately, you live in a dorm room for four years, so the stuff you buy as a freshman gets reused. Many colleges have storage options; if not, it’s rather common to send a box home with your local friend to store in their basement.

      • Vicky Austin

        I was heavily involved on campus and still spent a TON of time in my dorm rooms, and having things I loved around me was good for mental health (homesickness, anxiety, spending 12+ hours studying for one test). But I certainly didn’t fill up a dumpster each time I moved out. I still have a lot of the small treasures and books that served as my decor in those days and they are decor in my adult house. (Caveat that I graduated college not long ago, but still.)

      • Anonymous

        My daughter lived in the dorms for her first two years of college and she definitely decorated her room. Most of it was stuff she took from her room at home and hung up with command strips–cute shelves, a printed picture, some frames, lights, a small nightstand, etc. Their dorm rooms also had pretty nice furniture, so the bed and desk already looked nice. She also got some gift cards for graduation that she used to get other things for her dorm room. She was moving away for the first time and wanted her space to be nice. She didn’t spend a ton of money on it and took most of it with her to her first apartment.

    • SMC- San Diego

      I have a college age daughter and decorating a dorm room is definitely more of a “thing” than it was when I was a student, although I did coordinate colors with my roommate even back in the dark ages.

      Daughter/I probably spent about $500 on decorating her dorm room her freshman year (not including a mini fridge). And it was Instagram-worthy! Her grandfather gave her $250 and I paid the rest (and my mother gave her a comforter set as a gift). The big ticket items were bedding , a rug, bookcase, and storage – all of which she is still using 3 years later. I probably laid out another $300 the next year, mostly for the bathroom since she had one of her own instead of sharing with the hall (including a cabinet to fit over her toilet). We were able to get some of that back later by selling the cabinet. The rest of the bathroom stuff along with almost everything else I had purchased went with her when she moved off campus last year.

      Honestly, a couple of thousand dollars for decorating a dorm room – much of which she would need the next year anyway – would not have struck me as excessive although we did not spend quite that much. Her first year she was in an incredibly drab, depressing space and it needed cheering up. And given the $50K a year for tuition and dorm fees, decorating a dorm room did not even make an impression. She probably saved more by carefully sourcing her text books (rental text books are amazing!).

    • Curious

      As much as everyone is saying it’s okay to decorate the space, I agree that what I’m seeing on Instagram is bananapants. These kids have rooms nicer than mine will ever be. I’m sure it’s just a tiny percent of a tiny percent (isn’t that what most extremes on social media are?), but I get OP’s reaction.

      And wow I’m far enough out of college now to say “these kids” and mean it. Hahahaha. Maybe they can come decorate our house.

  15. Anon

    Suggestions on where to find a low cost very small skirt suit for my high school daughter? She needs a 0 petite. We got the last one at BR Factory but the selection there is quite limited right now. This is for debate tournaments and I don’t want to spend a lot. Please don’t tell me she doesn’t need a suit. She does.

    • Anon

      I remember getting my first suit for high school mock trial! I think we went to Macy’s or a different department store to get one. My mom is very frugal, so I know we bought the cheapest suit that fit my 110lb 5’2 high school self.

    • Anon

      Old Navy and Land’s End have things like this (LE even has jacket-like pieces, maybe ON, too). Also, consignment and thrift stores are typically overstocked with small sizes and overshopped by people wanting larger ones, so there, too, if available in your area. Finally, Target has a lot of work-type pieces you could make a “suit” out of.

    • Anon

      Try Poshmark. You can set by size. She needs a skirt suit, not a brand new skirt suit.

    • Ribena

      Does Marks & Spencer ship to you? Check either their ladies suits or even their teenagers school uniform matching blazers and skirts

    • Curious

      I always got my debate clothes at Kohl’s in the juniors section! I looked fab in my $15 black or brown polyester pants and matching blazers.

      • Anon

        +1

        Also brooks brothers outlet if you have one near you has good Labor Day sales. I love theory outlet too and they run small but I assume that’s more than you want to spend.

    • Anonymous

      My first suits came from Express and Ann Taylor. Honestly, I wish I had kept the Ann Taylor one.

    • ALT

      I have a J Crew pantsuit (that I bought in like 2015) that’s a size 0 that I would be more than happy to send to you! It doesn’t fit me and I haven’t done anything with it. It’s in great condition. It was the first suit that I felt “cool” in (skinny pants, jacket wasn’t super padded, didn’t feel like a “mom suit”) so it might work for your daughter?

      • Anon

        Thank you so much for this very kind offer. Unfortunately my daughter is picky enough that I think she needs to be involved in picking it out. I do really appreciate it!

    • Anon

      Post on your local next door. I know there are tons of women who have transitioned to WFH that have suits hanging in their closets they’ve all but forgotten about.

    • Anon

      Check J. Crew Factory for sure, and also Poshmark. Lots of people were putting their no-longer-needed formal work clothes up on Poshmark when I was scrolling through a few days ago.

      Excited for your daughter. I did mock trial in high school and debate in college. Some of the best times of my life. Good luck to her!

    • busybee

      I’m a 00P and typically have the most success at Ann Taylor. I always have to alter my clothing no matter where it’s from. Maybe buy something used and use the savings for alterations.

    • Do you know her sizes?

      Do you know her sizes at BR/Ann Taylor/J.Crew? If so, check out Poshmark and ThredUp! Lots of options. I don’t buy full price clothes anymore.

    • Anon

      Ha! I read this as you needed a “very small skirt” for your daughter, and was confused by how adamant you were that she needed one. I second the H&M recommendation – they have more clothes in smaller sizes than other retailers.

  16. Basement water woes

    We got a bunch of water in our basement after a big storm in the middle of the night (in DC).  We think we probably need to rip up the carpet, assess mold issues (this isn’t first time there’s been water), and figure out a long-term plan to keep water out, which may involve basement drains, landscaping, and gutter replacement.  I don’t even know what type of person to call about the carpet/mold/drains issue … a general contractor?  I know there are companies that specialize in fixing water damage, but do they help figure out a long-term plan?  Any advice from experienced homeowners (or specific recs from anyone near DC) welcome!

    • Anon

      General contractor. I don’t have DC experience but I’d prepare for an answer that you can’t fix it and your choice is putting down floors that can take water/ moving furniture out in advance of storms or not using the space for living.

      • Anon

        This is totally fixable. Where is the world do people live with flooded basements and move furniture in and out according to weather?!

        • Anon

          By a river that floods every 10-20 years. So your space is mostly useable but sometimes not.

        • Anon in NY

          Growing up, we had done pretty much everything possible, including installing French drains and pumps, and still had to accept that it would sometimes flood. It just is the way it is. We had some teenager “hangout” furniture down there but nothing else because you had to accept it would likely be ruined at some point. Concrete floors and walls (someone at some point had installed drywall for interior walls but the bottom 2 ft of it was ruined and crumbling from repeated floods).

    • Anon

      General contractor. I don’t have DC experience but I’d prepare for an answer that you can’t fix it and your choice is putting down floors that can take water and moving furniture out in advance of storms or not using the space for living.

    • anon a mouse

      You need a basement waterproofing company, abundant in this area. Look at NextDoor or Angi to find highly regarded ones in your area. Make sure you get a warranty for a dry basement for a few years so they will fix any issues. you definitely need to rip up the carpet, remove padding and start drying things out. Our realtor used to say there are no homes without water issues in our area — only homes that have already invested in mitigation and those that haven’t. We have a french drain system around our basement perimeter that leads to a sump pump and it’s worked well (touch wood), but we also have to be vigilant about getting our downspouts reamed out at least once a year because there are so many leaves in our area.

      Can you determine where the water is coming in? That is the first step and today’s rain might provide you with clues. Are your gutters or downspouts clogged? Do your downspouts extend far away from the house? Is there a drain near any exterior basement doors? Are any windows or ductwork leaking?

    • Anon

      You can hire a remediation company (like ServePro) to do things like pull up carpet, treat mold, and clean up after a flood. They’ll probably bring in fans and dehumidifiers to dry it all out. This may or may not be necessary depending on the degree of water infiltration. A small puddle you can pull the carpet/pad back yourself and dry stuff out.

      Then you should hire a basement waterproofing company – check local Facebook groups/Nextdoor for recommendations. They’ll tell you what you need (sump pump, french drains, redirecting downspouts away from house, regrading, etc). If you need to do more stuff like drywall that may require a contractor or handyman.

      • Anon

        I was also going to suggest a remediation company but couldn’t remember what they were called. My homeowners insurance company sent one out after a second floor to first floor leak happened and I was so impressed with everything – they got here quickly, took the wet stuff away to be cleaned, set up huge industrial fans, and honestly just took everything off my hands. It was so nice, and everything is as good as new.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +2 for ServePro. My basement flooded 6 weeks ago. After 6 hours of trying to clean it up myself, I called ServePro. They ripped up all the carpet and hauled it away, elevated anything that was on the floor with little styrofoam squares, and left several dehumidifiers. The dehumidifiers ran for 6 days and dried everything out. Then movers came to move everything out so repairs could start. I’m still coordinating all the work so be prepared that it will take much longer than you expected.

    • Anonymous

      Be prepared for the appointments and estimates to take forever. We have had animal issues in our attic, leading to a $5,000 project to remove the insulation, seal it up, sanitize it, and reinsulate, and it took 7 weeks to find a contractor who’d do the work, come out, schedule it, and complete it.

      Fans and a dehumidifier in the meantime, that drains into a drain.

    • Anan

      We are in Montgomery County and I highly recommend Joe at MoldGone for remediation. We used him for our basement. He is also really straight forward about what is necessary to treat and what is not a health risk. He doesn’t do landscaping, but has some recs. But landscaping is his primary preventative suggestion.

    • Smokey

      Call your insurance company if you haven’t already. They will assess the damage, determine what needs to be replaced, and direct you to remediation companies. A water proofing company can then assist in preventing future problems. For example, we had a “French drain” installed around the perimeter of our basement and installed a sump pump. Because of the high groundwater levels where we live, we also replaced all carpet with watering flooring. Good luck!

    • Basement water woes

      Thanks all, these recommendations are incredibly helpful! Off to make some phone calls…

  17. Anon

    What are your favorite self care routines that aren’t the classic go-tos (take a bath! do a face mask! take a walk!); work is truly awful (14 hour overnight shifts, toxic leadership, very emotional and stressful work) right now and am looking for some “elevated” self care routines, if you will. I’m hoping to get in for a massage soon, but the schedules aren’t aligning until later next week.

    • Cat

      Getting into nature. Something about knowing whatever stupid thing happens at work, the ocean is still there crashing at you or the trees are changing color as always… are there any good day trips available in your area?

      Planning time off and travel.

      And. Snarky, but literally making a Bingo card for toxic leadership.

    • Anon

      Get a light and fluffy book (I suggest the Bridgerton Series or Lisa Kleypas) and take yourself to breakfast at a great local restaurant. Sit by yourself and order a mimosa/fancy coffee and your favorite breakfast (crab cake Benedict?). Go on a weekday and enjoy a leisurely pace.

      Bonus points for sitting outside with a nice view and extra bonus points for getting there by walking or cycling.

    • Anon

      Thanks for these tips. I’m working 14hr shifts overnight 5-6 nights a week, so unfortunately these are probably best saved for when I have some time off next. week (or at least I hope there’s time off next week!)

    • Anonnymouse

      Leisurely make myself a lovely meal while listening to a favorite podcast.
      Go to a fancy pastry shop with a book, order a cappuccino and something sweet, people watch and read.
      Get something to spruce up part of my home that makes me happy – maybe art, painting a wall, new throw pillow?
      Get outside! Roam a farmer’s market or similar place where you can browse.
      Plan a morning where you don’t need to set an alarm and can wake up naturally.
      Plan something every week to look forward to.

    • Anon

      Wallowing in negativity for a while. Binging revenge-y media like Kill Bill or I Spit on Your Grave. Beating the h3ll out of the bag at the gym. Just letting myself feel the hate and violence without slapping sunshine-y bullsh1t on top of it. Being validated and justified does more for my mental peace and clarity than trying to coax myself out of it. I deserve to feel my feelings.

    • Anon

      For me, self care includes eating and sleeping well. I would splurge on a meal delivery plan or restaurant take out for nice meals. Light candles when you are taking a bath! Play some music when you are home. If you don’t have a cleaner, book a one time cleaning and consider making it permanent. Buy a new comfy blanket to lounge in or new pjs. Good luck! Hope you find something that helps.

    • Anon

      Can you take a staycation – maybe a weekend in a hotel with room service and swimming at the hotel pool?

    • anon

      On rare occasions, I will check in to an artsy modern boutique hotel in a walkable downtown location near my home for the week. I don’t go for the biggest suite or anything – just a clean room with fresh sheets and interesting decor with food that I don’t have to prep or clean up. It makes my work stress magically dissolve. If you can afford it, I cannot recommend it enough.

  18. Ribena

    Well, that’s me officially a ‘close contact’ for the first time in this whole thing. PCR test done and awaiting results…

    • Curious

      Best of luck. We’re very lucky and had our first exposure to exposure this week. No test needed yet, but baby is due in a matter of days. It’s stressful!

    • Cb

      Just for expectation management, results have slowed down. We’re 25 hours post-test and haven’t heard yet, in the past, it was 12-14 hours. Edinburgh friends have reported the same. We were at the testing site yesterday for ages (turns out you need a 2:1 ratio to test a 4 year old) and it’s all kids getting tested.

    • Anon

      My unvaccinated family members are starting to come down with it one by one and though I’m not physically close enough to be exposed to them (I wouldn’t be), they’re pretty sick and I’m in a state of being mad they never got the vaccine and worried about them at the same time. The kids are really sick :(

      Hope your test is negative!!

      • Ribena

        Everyone in this scenario is double-jabbed, thankfully, so I don’t expect anyone to get badly ill (fingers crossed).
        My second jab was only three weeks ago (U.K. vax schedule) so it will have been as effective as it was ever going to be

  19. Anon

    Neighbor kid is turning 9 soon. He is a boy who likes Minecraft and spongebob. Any gift recs? Budget $20-25. Thanks in advance!

    • Anon

      When my son was that age, Lego sets that were themed around the stuff he liked (like Minecraft and Spongebob) were always a big hit, and also non-screen-based and tactile.

    • Anon

      There are some nice Nat Geo kits that I like for my son’s friends around this age – mineral/crystal growing kit, volcano kit, science magic tricks kit etc. I have also tried the Smithsonian telescope available at target in this price range, it isn’t great quality but my nephew liked playing with it in the backyard after sunset.

  20. Anon

    Late 30s, single for 6 years, in a 3 year bad relationship before that. Met someone and had a whirlwind month with him but it cannot be more than intermittent with periods of silence for permanent reasons. We have been apart for a week and I am very much in my feelings. I don’t think it’s so much him as it is that the time with him reminded me that I want a relationship so much. Life and covid make that unlikely any time soon. My friends are focused on why I chose to even spend time with someone unavailable but that isn’t why I am so upset. I honestly just wanted to feel loved, even knowing it was temporary, because temporary seemed like better than more nothing, especially in a pand3mic world.

    I have so much going for me but I feel so sad and lonely. I just wish my friends could understand it.

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry, being unhappily single is really awful. Every once in a while it’ll hit you hard and out of the blue; it’s not just about this guy it’s about the whole process. Like when you meet someone who seems really promising then on date #3 he waves all the red flags. Or you’ve been seeing someone for a month or two when they make it clear they don’t value time with you. Usually I shake it off but every once in a while it would hit me super hard and I’d be SO DOWN about a guy I’d only known a minute. My friends never got it either. The frustration just gets to you sometimes.

    • Anon

      “Met someone and had a whirlwind month with him but it cannot be more than intermittent with periods of silence for permanent reasons.”

      “My friends are focused on why I chose to even spend time with someone unavailable”

      Sooooo I am just gonna throw this right out there. Is this because he is married/in a relationship?

      If the answer is “yes,” your friends are pushing back on your choices for some really excellent reasons.

      • anon

        This. You’re lucky your friends aren’t reading you the riot act. I’m sorry you’re sad and lonely, but if this is the game you’re playing, just please don’t. For your sake and everyone else’s.

    • Anon

      Value yourself. You deserve a whole partner, not just the crumbs your current one can spare for you. Cut it off now.

      • Anon

        I don’t think this is the right advice for this situation. I know very, very well what it’s like to feel so lonely and to want to be loved and when my friends told me somebody wasn’t good enough for me or whatever, it really didn’t help that feeling.

    • Anon

      Is there anything that y’all can do to keep in touch when there is silence? Is it because of work (he is offshore on a boat or something) or personal reasons? In any event, that sounds so hard and I am so sorry.

    • Anonymous

      Your friends do understand. They understand this this non relationship thing will never be what you need and never make you happy.

      • Ribena

        As someone who has also been in a non relationship thing after a long period of singleness: it didn’t feel like it was a choice between the non relationship and a good relationship but rather between the non relationship and being lonely, because I was getting zero attention from men otherwise.

    • Anon

      I just want to say I completely understand how you feel. I’m sorry, it really sucks.

    • Anon

      I understand. You are not alone in being sad and lonely. It’s been a hard year for many, and some more than others. Warm wishes from an anon commenter.

    • Anon

      It is really hard and I feel for you. The best advice I have is to go with “no relationship,” even if it’s harder in the short term. In the long term, it is easier, because you won’t have the baggage from bad half-relationships messing you up. Ask me how I know this.

      Not sure how old you are. I found relationships a lot easier once I hit 30. It took me many years beyond that to find my husband, but it was many reasonable years (dating good, caring men, just not the right men for me) rather than the gut-wrenching misery of my teens and twenties.

  21. Anonymous

    Can we talk about tooth cold sensitivity? I never notice any cold sensitivity in my teeth except when I go to the dentist and they use that water pik or whatever it is to clean my teeth – the torture device that sprays a concentrated stream of cold water directly onto your teeth. The dentist and assistants refuse to believe me that this doesn’t impact my daily life and tbh it’s starting to irk me, like no I’m not lying, there is literally no other time in my life that anyone is spraying a tiny stream of cold water onto my teeth. It’s the same pattern every time: they ask how my cold sensitivity has been lately, I tell them I never notice it unless I’m at the dentist but please keep the water thing away from me, they insist on trying, then are shocked that I have such “extreme” sensitivity. Then cue the comments – ohhh I bet you can’t drink cold water (I do!) or eat ice cream (I do that too, with a spoon like an adult, do adults really bite into an ice cream cone with their face??) or raw fruits or vegetables (I eat them all the time! Cut up in bite sized pieces that I chew with my molars). Idk why this is so irksome to me but I guess I don’t like being called a liar. Anyone else experience this?

      • Curious

        +1. Mine just checks if it hurts and lets me know I can use Sensodyne if I have other sensitivities.

    • Anon

      Strange, I am your opposite. I never feel it at the dentist but I do sometimes with cold stuff and ice cream.
      Does my dentist use tepid water? It just didn’t feel that cold to me.

    • Anon

      Thank you for the laugh! I have sensitive teeth and don’t want the rinse. The dental hygienist is always appalled. Now she gives me a cup of warm water to swish. Once she said that if I didn’t rinse after her cleaning then all of that stuff and bacteria would be in my stomach. I looked at her and said that I swallow through my mouth every day and my stomach has acid so I think I am good.

      Also, Sensodyne hasn’t been very effective for me. Try Colgate Sensitive with potassium nitrate.

  22. House buying question

    Has anyone bought a new house before selling your old one? If so, how did you manage the down payment – did you just have the whole amount in cash?

    Contingencies are a complete non-starter in our area and we don’t want to have to move into a rental in the interim – so we will need to buy and then sell.

    • Anon

      I saved for the down payment, and didn’t buy as much house as I could otherwise. A dream home isn’t something that’s in the cards for me – I bought what I could afford under the circumstances.

      • anon

        +1 Neither of my houses exceeded $200k and I didn’t care about putting 20% down bc PMI is negligible.

    • anon

      Well in my market almost everyone buys and then sells, since the buying part is way harder than selling. If you are lucky, you’ll be able to line up the closings so that you have the money from the sale in time for the purchase (e.g. same day, or within a day or two, while keeping all your stuff on a moving truck or negotiating a few days lease-back from the new owner.)

      The other option in my area, if you don’t like up the sales so perfectly, is bridge financing, which is exactly what it sounds like. Costs a little bit, adds some hassle, but super super normal.

      These are all questions that a competent realtor and mortgage advisor/broker should be able to answer for you. The realtor should also have a well thought out opinion on whether buying or selling first makes sense in your situation and market.

    • Anon

      Not sure if my experience will even be helpful as the real estate market is so different now, but back in 2018 we did this. We found a house, closed on it, moved, and then put our old house up for sale. We used a 401k loan to fund the down payment on our new house – we initially put down less than 20% just to be safe, and then we “recast” the mortgage after the sale of our old house closed and we knew how much we’d net from the sale, and put in more money to hit 20% and avoid PMI. Recasting is like refinancing but without the cost of a full refinance; you can only do it within a certain number of months after closing on the mortgage.

      We did it and it worked out okay in the end, but it was extremely stressful and I don’t know if I’d recommend that anyone else buy before selling (although, as I said, the market is so different now). In 2018, in our area, it was more of a buyer’s market and so we had to put considerable dollars into our old house to update it (which reduced our savings to the point that I no longer felt comfortable paying the down payment from savings), and then the house didn’t sell, and then we had an offer fall through when the buyer’s mortgage wasn’t approved. Our house was on the market over 120 days before we closed. We had to make several payments on the 401k loan while we were waiting to close the sale, and we chose to pay the payments out of cash flow rather than savings, so household finances were tight for a little while. Waiting for the house to sell while the 401k loan was outstanding was a big source of stress. However, I don’t know if that’s even a factor in today’s market, especially in an area where people don’t even do contingencies. If your old house will sell the same week it lists, most likely, there’s no problem and I would feel confident telling you to do a 401k loan if you’re comfortable with it. I felt way more comfortable with that than taking the equivalent amount of money out of our cash savings. The 401k loan cost us less than $500 and the money was out of the account less than 6 months.

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