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cc
We closed on a house and have been doing a pretty big renovation (all internal, no external walls moved or anything). It’s nearing completion and we should be moving in soon. We have briefly met the neighbors on either side of our house – both have lived there for decades, one couple looks to be in their early 70s, the other mid 80s. I’d like to get them each a small gift – I know it must be annoying to have to listen to construction 5 days a week for a few months and be staring at a big dumpster. Any suggestions?
Anon
Oh, that is so nice. Since you don’t know them, it’s hard to get them food stuff, although a bottle of wine or homemade baked goods are always kind. So maybe flowers? Honestly, a nice note that says you’re so grateful for their patience and would love to have them over for a get-to-know-you coffee would be enough.
Anon
I would not give alcohol to older couples you don’t know.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t give alcohol to *anyone* you don’t know…
Anon
Eyeroll. And very regional. I live in the wine country and giving neighbors wine is basically sport.
Anon
Yeah I truly don’t know anyone who doesn’t drink (except for two recovering alcoholics), but they could just pass it along if they won’t use it*
* the recovering alcoholics in my life are okay being around alcohol, so they would be fine handling it to pass it on. Plus, their spouses still drink so it would likely be put to good use in their household.
anon
You can safely assume the majority of 70 and 80 year olds don’t drink alcohol. On average. So many medications/medical problems don’t mix with alcohol, and often for safety/tolerance people don’t drink when they are elderly. Or honestly… they shouldn’t.
My 70s aunt…. wine with every dinner… finally had that fall getting up after dinner, and that was the beginning of the end. Decreased tolerance, later in day fatigue with aging, and other medical problems + alcohol is a rough combination.
Shoot the majority of my peers don’t drink anymore and I’m several decades away from that.
Senior Attorney
So weird. Many of my friends are in their 70s and 80s and everybody drinks wine with dinner. It’s a know-your-crowd thing for sure.
Anon
What a weird comment – my grandfathers both passed in their mid 90s and still drank til the end. My one grandfather had a group of fellow widowers who got together for cocktails once a week!
Anonymous
Yeah. All my parents’ friends drink. This board skews much more anti alcohol than anyone in my real life. I can’t tell if it’s regional or just a few very loud people living in Utah or some equally anti alcohol place. Also lots of people live to their 70s and 80s without major health problems in my upper middle class world. I’m not sure it’s kind to assume people are on heavy medications.
Anonymous
I don’t think this is a weird comment at all. Just thinking of folks on my team at work (most of us are 50+) and about one-third or so don’t drink or are pretty specific on what they’ll drink. Doesn’t mix with a lot of medications or frankly health issues. I wish I could still drink like I could in my 20s, 30s or even 40s, but these days it kills my stomach.
Anon
I don’t drink, and am not a recovering alcoholic. I obviously wouldn’t be thrilled to receive alcohol, because I don’t want it, but I wouldn’t be offended. I can see how someone who doesn’t drink for religious reasons might be offended though.
Eliza
This is crazy to assume. The older generation I know (in their late 70s to 80s and even early 90s) is definitely still drinking. That generation (and I suspect it’s partially also social class) drank more often than younger generations do, and while they may not be drinking as heavily, alcohol is still a staple.
Anon
Are they just ignoring medication contraindications, or are they not on meds?
Because if most the people you know who are in their 70s, 80s, and 90s are not on a bunch of meds with alcoholic warnings, that’s not statistically typical.
Anecdata
eh, I think wine is a typical gesture — the point is not “I know you drink wine because EVERYONE drinks wine”; it’s “I am expressing my goodwill”. If they don’t drink, they can give it away, they can keep it for visitors who do drink wine, heck, they can receive the message of your goodwill and pour it down the sink. It’s the same as food or flowers – they might be allergic, they might be on a restricted diet, it is literally impossible to pick a gift /for someone you don’t know/ and make sure it appeals to absolutely everyone.
Anon
To me it feels different because it can be a religious thing.
anon
And an unhealthy thing. To an 80 year old.
Cat
I’d bring flowers and an invitation to come over for wine or coffee – I bet they are SUPER curious what you did to the house and would love the ability to observe in detail :)
Anonymous
I would probably not suggest inviting them to come over. Unless OP paid big money for a proper restoration the neighbours will probably just talk s*#t behind their back for a tacky modern Reno.
Anon
Dang no need to be so negative. We have no idea what OPs Reno is but I’m sure it’s lovely. Also, you can have a nice Reno without the big bucks. And, you don’t know what the house looked like when OP bought it.
My parents have been in their house for 40 years and love seeing the results of neighbors’ improvements
Anonymous
lol, do you also need flowers to cheer your mood?
Anon
That seems unnecessarily paranoid.
Anon
I mean, haters are gonna hate but they are the neighbors you have so no reason not to be friendly towards them. We are a before picture compared to my neighbor’s after but we have each others backs because life is funny like that. You get the commmunity you choose to build.
Anonymous
Just speaking from experience, my whole neighborhood s$*t talks my neighbor’s grey laminate in a lovely old Victorian. No one is jealous they tried to save a buck putting plastic over the wood instead of refinishing it.
Anon
Hate to admit it but I’d be hating on the gray laminate too. Not out loud, though!
anon
this
anonshmanon
do you always go around, assuming the worst of people?
anon
Well, that’s aggressive for a Wednesday morning.
Nice girl corner cube
Oh OP definitely paid big money
So yeah some people will be jealous
Or yea think she did it wrong
But either way they’ll be curious!
I think this is a great idea!
Cat
well, then better to figure out immediately that your neighbors are just neighbors and not friendly, I guess…
Anonymous
Or, they could be lovely people who were taught manners and won’t lower themselves to gossip.
go fo it
+1
Anon
This reaction made me laugh out loud.
I moved into an area with lots of elderly neighbors — most in their 70s and 80s, and we received a variety of very sweet housewarming items when we moved in — a Penzey’s spice pack was my favorite! Our kids run over little tokens to our elderly neighbors from time to time (usually because the neighbors have a treat for my kids), and it seems like a little plant is always well received (can be a PITA to manage a vase for flowers), along with treats you know the person will eat with a restricted diet. Almost no one drinks, from what I can tell, so I’d avoid wine.
Most appreciated was a note with contact information — it’s nice to be able to contact the neighbors if needed, and I’ll be honest, it was helpful to keep everyone’s names/addresses straight.
Anon
Sorry to clarify — most of our neighbors seem to have very restricted diets, so when they do get sweets, they like to pass them along to my kids. My kids also never leave their house without a gift or token of some kind (old dolls, old notepads, etc.). We have figured out what our neighbors can eat, and try to have some of those snacks on hand, but from what I can tell – a plant that doesn’t need to be re-potted with a note introducing yourself would be appreciated as an initial token.
As we’ve gotten to know the neighbors, seems like they most appreciate pictures my kids draw for them or thank you notes for the token items they give to my kids. They don’t need or want more “stuff,” their diets are relatively bland, but it’s nice to have personalized drawings or thank yous they can stick up on their fridge for a week or two. They also appreciate the gift of time, so we usually send our kids over to say hi, give a hug or a picture, tell them about a game or school or whatever.
It’s a great set-up — my kids end up with bonus grandparents (we don’t have local family), and especially for one elderly woman who lived alone, I think she appreciated the connection.
cc
Thank you so much – this sound similar to our neighborhood! We are so excited to move in
Anon
Ohhh, it’s great — and my kids are in the 9 – 11 age bracket where they roam the neighborhood (the street behind us has turned over, so all their friends live a block or two away) and stay home alone, and they know there are lots of folks who are always home if they need anything — or when a group of kids was crossing the street unsafely, all the parents heard about it pretty quickly :)
Also, in our crazy society where elderly people are frequently hidden away, I have loved that my kids’ community includes and celebrates older folks. My 9 year old son is a super sporty, athletic and physical kid, who slows way down and is remarkably gentle/kind and considerate with our wonderful neighbor. He’s the one who typically instigates visits — usually just runs over to say hi after a game or on Sunday afternoon, and I think both of their worlds are bigger for it.
EB
We did a note with contact information, and it was super well-recieved. We have also on the hearts of our elderly neighbors by taking their garbage cans in.
cc
This is so beautiful! It’s def the reason we picked this house – we had house hunted forever (Boston suburbs) but just fell in love with this neighborhood
Anon
This response says a lot more about you than anyone else
cc
Lol what an odd comment! Not that it would matter what I did but I did pay lots of money but kept as many of the charming elements of the house as we could.
Thanks for all the advice everyone else – I think flowers and nice card to start and once we moved in maybe the coffee invite.
The house had been essentially untouched since 1940 – lots of money went behind the walls so it won’t impact the neighbors at all but I’m sure they heard it!
anon
Sounds great, OP. Enjoy your renovation. (And, my personal opinion is that some old things are full of charm, historic value, etc. and should be preserved, and other things are just … old. There is a difference.)
Anon
Boston suburbs, house not touched since the 1940s: I’m guessing it was owned by the same family for 50+ years, got sold when they died, and the neighbours are probably quite happy that it got renovated. The other frequent option for older, not updated homes in that area is a tear down and a McMansion in its place.
cc
Anon … literally exactly the case!
Anon
cc – extend the invitation! They will probably be thrilled to see a house that is updated, not razed and McMansioned.
Vicky Austin
Who peed in your Cheerios?
Senior Attorney
Absolutely have them over. Even if your reno is not to their taste, if you’re not there to hear their comments, it won’t affect you. And having people over to your home is a great way to build a relationship.
Anonymous
Oh, honey, bless your heart. You have issues.
Anon
Save it for the flippers and the landlords. Unless they took down some canopy trees while they were at it, anyway.
anon
I think Cat’s idea is the best. The older adults on my block are cute and LOVE knowing what people do to change the insides of their houses.
I’d just bake a banana bread for each and walk over with it, and invite them over for coffee sometime or to sit on the porch.
I can make banana bread in 10 minutes. Or less…
Senior Attorney
This is the answer.
Anon
This. I love next to couples in 70s and 80s and we are good cooks. A loaf of bread or container of homemade soup is always appreciated.
Anonymous
This is why I don’t move. I do not want to deal with neighbors. Where I live now no one speaks to anyone and I love it.
Seventh Sister
I’d probably do flowers or a small houseplant. And you sound really nice compared to my neighbors! One of them did a big teardown over many months that appears to be mostly complete. The only thing they’ve ever said to us was, “It’s OK our contractor goes into your yard to look for the electric pole hookup, right?” At this point, I’m kind of hoping they are flippers and maybe the buyers will be nice people (or at least host quiet-ish AirBnB guests).
anon
Wow, there already seem to be a ton of weird & negative comments on this one! I’d probably go with a small potted plant or flowers (in either case, avoid anything that can be poisonous to pets unless you’re sure they don’t have any).
Anon
If I am hoping to buy a house in the next 18-36 months, what should I be doing now to prepare?
Anon
Save as cash in a high yield savings account. Check your credit file for any surprises. Get a feel for your market. Condo fees affect affordability, just the same as a house price does (in other words, total monthly payment ceiling is the ceiling).
Anon
+1 Also start casually going to open houses in your target areas. It will help you get a feel for neighborhoods and what you really want in a house, so you can commit to something right away when you’re ready to buy
Senior Attorney
Also start figuring out the realtors who specialize in the neighborhood you are targeting.
anonshmanon
+1. We ended up buying in a neighborhood that wasn’t familiar to us, but went to a few open homes, and then took a walk around the block after each. This really helped with feeling confident about our decision when we bought, and also helped to eventually focus our search on this area.
Cat
If there is an HOA fee, look at the history and consider how you’d feel if it doubled in the next 5 years. They don’t decrease with time.
Anon
HOA fees are like the maintenance and services a SFH pays for, so just make sure you know what you’re getting. And that it’s well run, with reserves (you have to ask the agent for all this). Like: how old is the roof and do you have reserves for another one? Does my HOA fee get me my water or electricity (in which case, it is higher)? Do you have a pool (in that case: is the insurance adequate and what is the maintenance situation on it). That place in Florida that collapsed? Glad I wasn’t an HOA board member there — but that is the risk you run in an older building you own a piece of.
Anna
I’ve. been taking 1 mg melatonin every night and its been working pretty well at getting me to fall asleep quickly. The weird thing is I’ve been waking up at ~2am for a few minutes and then falling back asleep. I’ve never woken up in the middle of the night like this, not to go to the bathroom, not for anything. I fall asleep so its fine, but strange. Anyone know if this is a side effect of melatonin? Overall I do feel well rested and like I slept well.
Anon
If you feel well rested, this seems like NBD. As an insomniac, these are problems I’d kill for :)
Anon
Yeah, I wake up at 2 am and am awake for 2 hours, not 2 minutes! Waking up and falling back asleep just seems normal?
Anon
Hi it’s me on four hours of sleep! I woke up at 3 and didn’t go back to sleep. I wish it were only 2 minutes.
anon
Ugh. That’s always awful. What are your strategies when that happens? Are you a thinker/worrier? Then it is possible to attack that.
Yes, 2 minutes is a dream!
Anna
Yeah I’m taking the melatonin because otherwise things are like this! But for me its usually that I can’t fall asleep no matter what, but then I don’t usually wake up until sometime resembling morning.
Anon
I’ve never heard of this being a side effect of melatonin, although it’s known to cause weird dreams, so maybe a strange dream is waking you and then you don’t remember the dream? Agree though that if you fall back asleep quickly, it’s not something I’d worry about.
txanon
This is always something that happens to me on Melatonin
Shelle
Just chiming in, this started happening to me in my late 20s. It happens pretty much every night now. It hasn’t caused me any issues that I can think of. If you want to search the internet about biphasic sleep, it’s possible this is something humans used to do in preindustrial times but there isn’t much information on it I don’t think.
Anna
I’ve heard of this and my theory is that it’s that , because it really is a quick “yep everythings fine”, back to sleep. But also melatonin can have weird side affects so I wanted to check.
Shelle
Absolutely I would want to know too! Full disclosure I don’t take melatonin so my experience might not apply to you.
Anonymous
For staying asleep I prefer magnesium glycinate.
Anon
Also taking 1mg of melatonin and also often (but not always) experience the same. As I understand it, melatonin is not exactly extended release, so your brief ‘wake up’ is likely when it has worn off considerably. I use the melatonin to fall asleep (this threshold has always been my issue, since childhood), not to stay asleep. Also of note is do you, on vacation or otherwise left to your own devices, have a different but regular sleep schedule? I ask because I would guess I have a delayed sleep phase compared to the average population, 2am-10am, and so when the wake up happens I am basically back on my ‘natural’ schedule. Maybe something similar with you?
Anonymous
I take more melatonin when this happens.
Anon
This dress is gorgeous!! Nice pick. And to my shock it’s still a decent price in CAD.
Anon
These types of dresses always look beautiful on the model but make me look like a frumpy peasant.
Anon
Co-sign. I have big Soviet Realism (or whatever that art style is) peasant woman energy. Even in hot pink.
Anon
This made me snort-laugh in solidarity.
Anonymous
I love this description! I’m busty, short waisted, and slightly rectangular in shape and just cannot wear anything that is gathered at the waist. Even A line isn’t a great look for me.
Cat
I saw a post awhile back that said something like “every time I hoist a laundry basket on my hip I envision myself as a sturdy wench from the middle ages off to the well” and the image has stuck with me many a laundry day, lol.
Flats Only
I know exactly what you mean. I can also picture the shining, happy face and rosy cheeks of the humble peasant woman in her new pink dress, and can imagine how happy she would have been to get it!
anon
Ya’ll are funny! I’ve had the body of a German grandmother since I was 13, so I can relate on some level!
anon
(And I say this with love, because I am shaped almost exactly like my grandmother, and it’s only becoming more apparent with age.)
Anon
I’m tall so that helps but my waist has all but disappeared over the last decade. I can’t tell whether a high waist is flattering or whether I’m leaving “isn’t she too old to be pregnant?” rumors in my wake.
Anon
How much is too much for Hamas? How much destruction and famine does it take for Hamas to say “you know, this isn’t worth it, we’ll release the hostages and withdraw our fighters?” I personally believe that Israel needs to do MUCH more to allow in aid – MUCH more. I’m not addressing that here and I don’t pretend to capture the complexity of this war in one post. But as things worsen, I’m truly wondering what’s it in for Hamas. Isn’t there some point at which refusing to release the hostages stops making battle sense? Isn’t there some loss of life that should start to weigh in the decision-making process? I don’t believe Hamas ever wanted to do that out of true concern for the population of Gaza (such that it ever had any), but you’d think self-preservation would come into play at some point.
Anon
I think things are going really well for Hamas. Everyone is mad at Israel for trying to get their hostages back. Why would Hamas release the hostages now when the tide of public opinion is turning in their favor? Hamas doesn’t care what happens to the ordinary people of Gaza, their whole MO is that they use innocent people as human shields.
Anon
Sadly, you are right. They are getting what they wanted.
Anon
Perversely the radicalization stemming from Israel’s (in my opinion justified) actions will likely grow support for Hamas. I assume that’s what’s in it for them…
Anon
+1
This.
Anon
Yea anti-semitism and decreased support for Israel. I think they are willing to sacrifice Gaza and all the people if it means the world turns on Israel and the Jews. Speaking as a Jew, it seems like their plan is a success!
Anon
I have actually been wondering about that too. Setting aside the obvious horror at the loss of innocent civilians on both sides, what is the strategic endgame for Hamas? I know their ultimate endgame is the annihilation of Israel, but right now they are mostly looking at the annihilation of Gaza. The Israeli government’s endgame is pretty clear – subdue Gaza, destroy all Hamas infrastructure, and benefit from the rally around the flag effect to detract from their own political issues internally. But at this point, Hamas seems to be negotiating like someone who has the upper hand, when they really don’t, and I’m not sure what they are trying to achieve.
Anon
That’s exactly what I was trying to say in my post. It seems like Hamas thinks that things are going well or something and that it’s full steam ahead with this deluded plan. I guess it’s a good thing if terrorist strategy makes no sense to me but still. How many more women and children must suffer?
Anon
Plus, the dead don’t seem to include so many Hamas fighters. This cuts both ways and to me seems like proof that they are hiding underground with the hostages and doing nothing for the women and children above.
Anon
But wouldn’t some of these women and children be the wives/daughters/sons/sisters/whatever of Hamas fighters? I guess I don’t understand why they haven’t decided enough is enough and returned the hostages. If the hostages were returned the pressure for a ceasefire would be too big for Israel to counter I think. But if they keep adding extra demands then everyone is at a stalemate.
Anon
The answer to your question is: they care more about killing Israelis than they care about their own people. Golda Meir said it: “ Peace will come when the Arabs will love their children more than they hate us.”
Anon
I don’t think they care. Or they hate Jews more.
All that energy isn’t going to things like maintaining a safe drinking water supply, having a good supply, or building a civilization of any kind. All they can do is blow things up and kill people and even their starving and dead children can’t make them take their eyes off the ball.
Anon
I think it is sad that after all this time, what Gilda said rings true.
Anon
Unfortunately I think this is true. Jew-hatred seems to know no bounds. If you’re willing to let your entire extended family die of starvation, it must be the preeminent belief.
Anon
They’re insane, evil fanatics. They do not care about anyone’s life and have no love for their family or other people.
Anon
So they return the hostages, then what? Does Israel release the women and children it has in custody? Does Israel stop the land grab and the utter control of everything in and out of Gaza? Palestinians are in an impossible situation.
Anon
@ Anon at 10:35 – I mean yes, I get that, but the reverse argument is also true. Israel ceases fire, and then what? They sit around waiting for the next attack? They continue to exist in the knowledge that their neighbor will not stop until they have been destroyed? There is a reason this is complicated. Everyone is in an impossible situation until both sides get serious about peace.
Anon
I’m not sure there is a limit. Palestinians have been trod upon for nearly 80 years, and I can understand how that leads to extremist groups (or even “average” citizens) taking do-or-die positions.
I was reading a children’s book with my kids about a family that was forced to hand over their house, their business, everything in 1948 and flee (true story, written by a granddaughter), and gosh it made me feel sick. Of course the rest of the world was too racist to allow the Jewish people to settle back in their countries, but what a tragedy it all was and continues to be.
Anon
Do or die, sure – but why not do other things than a kamikaze mission? I can’t accept this was the only way forward for Hamas all these decades. It’s so self-destructive.
Anon
How accurate is that kids’ book? My understanding is that surrounding countries told non-Jews to flee and many did (only to be trapped as refugees, not welcomed as immigrants where they fled to, and not welcomed back to Israel). And that non-Jews who stayed in 1948 are still in Israel, same as they ever were.
Anon
Not “same as they ever were” – unlike under the British, now they are citizens and can vote and hold office.
Anon
Google the Nakba, or “catastrophe.” 700,000+ Palestinians — the majority of the population — were expelled from their homes. Israel never allowed them to return.
Anon
this is kind of one way to look at it. Israel ended up with more land than the UN gave them bc Arab countries attacked them. Why isn’t it also on those countries
Anon
I mean, there definitely were some displaced Palestinians, including violence, I don’t think there’s any denying that. But also, it’s not like the Jews appeared out of nowhere in 1948. There have been Jews in the area since forever, there had been talks of a Jewish state in that area for decades, there were Jews living in British Palestine, and a large amount of Jews are of Middle Eastern descent. And of course at the time no one knew what to do with the Holocaust survivors either. They had been stripped of citizenship and understandably did not want to go back. So the creation of Israel definitely could have been handled better, but at this point a two state solution is the only option and both sides really need to get on board.
Anonymous
Ah, yes, the Jews moved in, brought babka to all their Arab neighbors, and woke up surprised when so many had left. Just like they knocked on doors in Gaza in 2002, politely requested that some families near the border choose another place to live, and quietly removed the abandoned homes when the families moved on to their chosen, brighter futures. As always.
Anon
So, maybe the British should have stayed? Look at how groups like Cubans, Vietnamese, and Koreans have been in the US. Look at Arab migrants to the US. They all looked forward and made better lives, often starting from scratch. Ireland is a nice place now and I don’t worry about car bombs. Palestinians need to choose to stay stuck or move forward. Those who are interested in something different need to leave or they will drown in a sea of bitterness and death. It doesn’t have to be that way. But Hamas is poisoning the well and salting the earth.
Anonymous
Both sides have held onto history here.
Former Historian
This is complicated because there was not one single reason non-Jews fled in advance of 1948. Some decided to stay in Israel and agree to live under Israeli rule. Some of the religious splits between Muslims played a role here, although the extent is disputed. Some even fought against the pan-Arab invasion force (I hate that term because so many of them were not Arab but that is a discussion for another day). Their descendants are still there and are Israeli citizens (almost 20% of the Israeli population is Muslim). So clearly, Israel did not have a wholesale policy of expulsion.
Some fled because the pan-Arab army warned/ threatened them (the details are disputed). They may have thought or been told that they could return once the pan-Arab army succeeded and the Jews were driven out. And then of course that did not happen. Some fought against Israel and were then expelled or fled. Some were just expelled by Jewish forces for various reasons. And some fled because there was an active war happening in their immediate area and they were scared, particularly because rumors were flying about massacres by both sides. And then they were not allowed back. You can seize on any one story to justify basically any narrative.
Decision were being made on a village by village level and personal relationships and personalities played a huge role. “Palestine” as a political entity did not exist. It had been part of the Ottoman Empire until 1919 and then was part of the British Mandate until 1948. Add to that, the politics of the post-Ottoman middle east are very, very complicated with Egypt, Saudi Arabia and what became Syria all having their own jockeying for power and influence. So if you pick up a book that says: “Palestinians were forced out by Israelis” or “Palestinians fled in advance of the Arab invasion because they thought they could come back” you are reading something that is propaganda. And that is not helpful.
I should note there that the number of Jews expelled from Arab countries post-1948 is roughly equal to the number of Palestinians who fled Israel. They mostly settled in Israel, which was happy to have them. But it is important to remember that more than half of Israelis are decedent from people who previously lived in other Middle Eastern countries and who mostly did not leave voluntarily.
Anon
Thanks for this response, it’s nice to read a more informed take that isn’t just “one side good, other side bad”.
Anon
Thanks for this.
Anonymous
I love how people act like Jewish people haven’t been in the Middle East in this area for thousands of years.
Especially people on the left act like the Middle East and Indigenous issues in North America are both issues of settler colonialism but the turn around and pick whatever year suits them to decide who is the settler and who is the colonial.
My family has been on the same land since 1794 but that sure as heck doesn’t mean it wasn’t Indigenous previously as the left will happily tell you but some Jewish family driven out during the Ottoman Empire and returning after a couple decades later after WWI is apparently a settler and not Indigenous?
Anon
Meanwhile the left would have me believe that the Donbas is just Russian now because so many Russians were settled there.
Anonymous
+1, it’s all so arbitrary
Anon
I don’t think self-preservation is a big factor. If the war is benefits certain political factions within other countries, then that’s all that’s needed.
Long view
This. Hamas is willing to let every Gaza family suffer, as long as the survivors blame Israel and Jews. And that includes the supporters and antisemites in the West
Anon
Yep.
Anon
Hamas gets away with it because even “real” news sources – CBS, BBC, CNN, NPR, NYT, Washington Post — refuse to ask the obvious questions:
* When will Hamas let the Red Cross visit the hostages?
* When will Hamas identify which hostages are still alive?
* When will Hamas share its food, water and medicine with its own citizens?
* When will the UN demand that Hamas cease its fire?
* When will the UN demand that Hamas release the hostages?
* When will the UN demand that Hamas do anything?
* When will Egypt help?
* When will any of the Arab countries help?
I have read, listened and watched a *lot* of coverage on the invasion and the resulting war since October, and no one ever asks these obvious questions.
Anon
+100000.
Anonymous
+1, it’s infuriating how warped the coverage is. I have heard a lot of “Well, we hold Israel to a higher standard than a terrorist organization.” To me, this is just semantics. Hamas was *elected* in 2006, correct? But they somehow get a pass because they also happen to be a terrorist organization? None of it makes any sense.
Anon
This is a good point. If it’s “just” a terrorist organization and not a body of elected officials, then we should not be quoting statistics released by Hamas authorities about the situation on the ground in Gaza.
Anonymous
Israel is in no position to point fingers in a debate over the accuracy of information being reported out about this war.
Anon
They’re not getting a pass; they’re not recognized as a legitimate authority at all.
Anonymous
Why should Egypt be complicit with either side of this conflict?
Anon
They don’t have to be complicit with anything, but they could take in refugees?
Anonymous
I think they see that as being complicit. It gives a relief valve to both sides, leaving neither to take accountability for what they have (mutually) broken, and probably allows for Israel to take Gaza and deny any right of return.
Anon
So being trapped is better? I just don’t see that. Hard to complain about returning once you are dead.
Former Historian
Gaza was controlled by Egypt at the time of the 1948 War and continued to be controlled by Egypt until the 1967 War when Israel took it over.
I think the thought is that Egypt caused the 1967 War by closing the Straits (which Israel had expressly said it would consider cause for war) and massing its forces along the border and then lost – which is what led to the Israeli occupation of Gaza in the first place. (And coincidentally to the occupation of the West Bank because Jordan gave command of its armies to Egypt and those armies then attacked Israel from the West Bank – a decision I suspect Jordan has regretted ever since.)
I completely understand why Egypt does not want to accept Palestinians. It would be enormously expensive and destabilizing and while the vast majority would be peaceful, the fact is that a large number of Hamas fighters would come with them and they do not really like the Egyptian government. Egypt bought its peace by accepting Israel’s right to exist (and getting Sinai back) and probably wants no part of this mess.
Anon
Egypt shares a border with the Gaza Strip. Egypt has allowed Hamas to build tunnels from the Gaza Strip into Egypt through which Hamas imports into the Strip building supplies and weapons that it acquires in Egypt. Hamas then uses those items it acquired in Egypt and imported via its border with Egypt to attack Israeli civilians Egypt is already complicit. It could choose to help clean up the mess it helped create.
frog
When people say when will Arab countries help, do you mean aside from the millions of Palestinians refugees who already live in Lebanon and Jordan, who have no right of return to their land because once they flee Israel doesn’t let them back in? or something else?
Lily
Hamas is not a rational actor. Much of Hamas leadership is not even in Gaza. Their families probably aren’t, either.
Same question about Israel’s end-game. What is it? How many babies dying are too many babies dying? How is the continued bombing and starving of Gaza helping Israeli security?
Anon
I don’t think Israel thinks bombing Gaza is increasing their security. They want their hostages back. The US would be bombing the shit out of any country that had taken hundreds of civilian hostages too.
Anonymous
Are you not listening to Netanyahu? The hostages are a secondary concern for him and he has expressed that their return is not enough, that they could all come home tomorrow and Israel will return to complete their mission (which is not hostage return). It is nice for us to frame it as being about hostage return but it is inaccurate. Netanyahu would prefer to ignore the hostage situation altogether because it is what gives Hamas leverage. The families and Israeli citizens and international actors are having to remind Netanyahu that he needs to think about getting hostages back in his calculus.
Anon
Yes, but Netanyahu doesn’t speak for the whole of Israel or everyone else. If the hostages were returned, there would be a lot more pressure for a ceasefire, both internally and from international actors (esp. the US). Not returning the hostages gives Netanyahu free rein to continue his goal of destroying Gaza/the Hamas (which I agree probably won’t work) because there isn’t a nation in the world who wouldn’t be doing something about that large a number of their citizens being held hostage.
Anon
Im no fan of Netanyahu but I think it’s just political posturing, which most politicians engage in. There’s no way they would continuing bombing Gaza if the hostages were all released alive. It would be too unpopular and Netanyahu knows that.
Anon
This. The US and any other country with the means would do exactly what Israel is doing if they had a group of very capable, barbaric terrorists in their backyard that held 100+ Hostages and killed over a thousand civilians. If this was the US, the conversation would be give us back the hostages or we will destroy every inch of Gaza, none of this negotiation.
Anon
USA would have the hostages back by now.
Anon
I dont’ think that the US would have its hostages back now (and in fact we don’t — U.S. citizens are among the hostages).
In Iran, our embassy hostages were held, we tried to get them and crashed in the desert, and only Ross Perot got his hostages out.
Anonymous
I’m sorry, if you think Israel is destroying all of the civilian infrastructure in Gaza, bombing hospitals and starving a million women and children to “get the hostages back” you’re completely delusional.
Anonymous
No, they are doing it to root out and punish the Hamas leadership they acknowledge are in hiding in other countries. Obviously.
Anon
That is what I’ve read also: Hamas leadership and their families are in Qatar or elsewhere. They aren’t in Gaza and never were.
Anon
Last I read, Sinwar is in the tunnels in Gaza surrounded by Israeli hostages.
Anon
i think Israel also needs new/different leadership. I think Israel’s ideal end game is to eliminate Hamas and get the hostages home, but i’m not sure it is a realistic end game. at the same time, i don’t know what you are supposed to do when a number of your people are still held hostage and the goal of the group who took them is to eliminate your country. seems like it would’ve made more sense for the Arab nations to accept the UN proposal back in 1948 rather than declaring war on Israel, but hindsight is 20/20 ,
Anon
At this point, I’d be shocked if any of the hostages are still alive. And if Hamas has been keeping them alive through all that is going on above ground, I hope that the rest of the people in Gaza see them making that choice and realize that their leaders didn’t choose to do what would keep their people alive, just their hostages. That choice says it all.
Anon
Israel definitely needs new leadership, and the current government is massively benefiting from the fact that they were facing serious upheaval from their own people but all of that quieted down because of the enormity of what happened on Oct 7. They may eventually get some hostages back, but I doubt they will destroy Hamas because as noted above most of Hamas isn’t located in Gaza. They’ll probably inflict enough destruction on the infrastructure to delay Hamas ramping back up in Gaza, but there is no destroying Hamas, at least not that way. But I agree that anyone who calling for a ceasefire without also calling for the return of the hostages doesn’t make sense at all. Israel can’t realistically be like “oh sorry we are causing destruction after you abducted a bunch of our citizens, never mind them, go ahead and carry on”.
Anon
Helping Netanyahu probably =/= helping Israel
Anonymous
This right here.
Anon
When Iran stops paying them to keep it going?
Hamas leadership is not in Gaza. And they do not care how many people die (Israeli or Palestinian). In fact, the possibility of a deal between Saudi Arabia and Israel probably dictated the timing of the initial attack. They do not want peace; they want to line their own pockets and protect their own power (and they hate Jews). And there will not be peace until both sides want it. They have been successful in guaranteeing that peace will not come in my lifetime (and one of my earliest memories is the Yom Kippur War).
Anon
And no other neighboring country will take people from Gaza. For all of our southern border situation, consider Egypt. For how many decades has it kept Gaza out? Ditto the West Bank. Iran will fund this but not take the people affected.
Anonymous
Why should another country acquiesce to the ethnic cleansing of Gaza? And are you really advocating for the same in the West Bank?
Anon
I see how countries like Poland stepped up to take in Ukrainian refugees, and it looks like Gazans have no one doing that for them. I don’t see how it can be taken to mean that Poland is acquiescing to Russian attempts to eliminate Ukraine (!). If anything it’s a measure of how well Poland understands the risk to Ukrainians.
Frog
There have been some ridiculous posts on this topic on this site, but I’m astounded at how myopic and dumb this original post and most of the following posts are. The vast majority of Hamas fighters were at one point children who have grown up with dead family members, stolen land, check points, and nearly everyday reminders that they are less than. What in the world do you people think happens to people who are treated brutally for their whole lives? They become brutal. It’s not rocket science. This thread reeks of “they hate us for our freedoms” bullshit post 9-11.
Perhaps, the dumbest post was that Netanyahu is just political posturing. Over 30,000+ dead is just political posturing! Netanyahu is deeply aligned with the Israeli right and they would be just fine if he wiped out every Gazan (as I’m sure many readers of this site would be apparently!). Groups of Israelis block aid trucks to starving children, settlers are pushing into Gaze to claim land as we speak, and Israel’s govt doesn’t give a shit about it’s hostages; you don’t bomb the whole place to the ground if you’re worried about your hostages staying alive and the IDF in fact did kill a few.
I’m glad the rest of the world isn’t so blind as Americans. Years of AIPAC buying our politicians have pretty much made this country hopeless (as demonstrated by this thread). Y’all need to read some Ilan Pappe and also need to stop ignoring the fact that some of the strongest voices to speak out against Israel are Jewish voices.
Anon
A lot of people initially wondered if Netanyahu let this happen in the first place! That may be too conspiratorial, but is it really in his best interest to get hostages back? Whether in terms of his political power or the legacy he wants to leave? That’s a bigger question for me than what terrorists are doing — if Israel’s not negotiating in good faith, well that explains a lot too.
Anon
It could be that everyone but you is “myopic and dumb,” or it could be that people aren’t willing to accept “Israel bad guy!!1” as justification for Hamas’ actions.
Frog
It’s not just me. Take a step back and look at the whole world. It’s no coincidence that countries that are mostly brown and black or former colonies are very openly against Israel. And it’s no coincidence that mostly former colonizers, US and the UK, are Israel’s biggest supporters. Game recognize game. The views of Americans are very much a reflection of our politics being bought by AIPAC for the past 70 years.
Anon
You’re right – it’s shocking how many countries are deeply antisemitic. Would love to see more “colonized” countries explain how Israelis aren’t indigenous to Israel.
Anon
I’m the one who said “posturing” and I meant that his comments about not stopping the bombing if the hostages were returned were posturing. I’m confident if the hostages were all returned alive, there would be a ceasefire. Not because he’s such a good guy, but because there would be too much pressure on him not to stop.
Frog
That pressure simply isn’t there. Read up on the right wing government parties of Israel who Netanyahu has aligned himself with. It is religious fanaticism. They are actually WORSE than Netanyahu and presently, they are controlling the country.
And pressure from the US? We approved money for their country before passing a budget for our own. Biden has at most given a private stern talking and at worst echoed provenly false statements from the IDF. Republicans have 1) introduced bills to remove Palestinian refugees from this country, even the ones who have been here for years 2) openly called for Israel to finish them off (Trump) and AL congressman and 3) Kushner talked about how Gaza would make great waterfront property and those are just from the past few weeks.
Anonymous
You forgot Nikki “Finish the Job” Haley and the bill today to permanently cut off UNRWA funding
Josie P
Another sleep question. Since the time change I have been waking up WAY early, like 530 or so. I don’t need to get up until 6:45. Is this just the time change and will settle down? I am so tired! Or is it another age thing (I am 45)? Or both? Help!
Anon
Time change maybe? It can take a while to settle in some years.
Anonamoose
I’m on a slipper hunt and am looking for recommendations. Here’s what I want: cozy, foam insole (the squishier the better), some bottom with traction, and heel covering (ideally like a shoe more than a slip on). I did research and ordered the LL Bean Wicked Good slippers, but they just arrived and the moccasin style keeps slipping off my foot. Does anyone have any slippers they love? TIA!
Anon
Fleece lined crocs.
Anon
Also fleece Birks but they are less squishy by far.
anon
This is the way.
Anon
Ugg Ansley!
Anonymous
+1 Ugg Ansley and Dakota have far and away much better support than the LL Bean wicked good moccasins. I ended up throwing mine out. Way too overhyped.
Anon
I have the LL Bean ones that looks like short Uggs. I forget what they’re called, sorry! They are a little annoying to put on and off (the back is a bit stiff) but they stay on very well and are super comfortable and warm once on.
Anonymous
I live in my Glerup wool slippers all winter long. Pricey, but worth it!
Anonymous
Olukai
NYNY
I am obsessed with slippers from Overland Sheepskin Company. My favorites are the soft sole Sofias, but most of their models have traction. Look at the Emma and London styles.
Anon
Try the LL Bean boot moc, or one of their other boot styles with a sole. I have the leather-soled boot style and it ticks every one of your boxes other than traction (the leather is SLICK on hard floors with any hint of damp, although fine on carpet).
anon
I have the short ugg boots as house slippers. With my pj pants half tucked into them, it is quite the “look”.
Pep
Those Bombas Sunday slippers sound like what you are looking for.
Anons
Bombas.
Cat
Not a SUPER cozy foam insole, but I buy a couple pairs of JCrew’s moccasin style slippers every year when they go to extra 50% off sale. I like that they’re not too hot and since you can never really wash the material very well I like fresh ones every few months.
Anon
Birkenstock Zermatt
Anonymous
I have the taller wicked good slippers and love them. That might help versus the moccasin.
Emma
Anyone have a favorite water cup for my 18 month old to take to daycare? Needs to be easy to clean and reasonably lightweight. Can be either a straw or a sippy cup. We had one from PB Kids, but the straw got moldy and the sippy cup cover has an annoying cap that bumps into my daughter’s nose while she drinks.
Anon
Any straw is going to get moldy if you don’t clean it properly.
Anonymous
I think that’s what she is asking–what cups have straws that can be cleaned properly?
Emma
Yeah, we wash the cup every night obviously, but the PB kids straw wasn’t removable and despite regular washing it eventually got gross.
Emma
Sorry, I meant to post this on the Moms s**e. But if you have suggestions, please share!
Anonymous
Thermos Funtainer. It cleans easily in the dishwasher, it doesn’t leak, and you can buy replacement valves and straws.
Anon
We have these but an 18 month old probably won’t be able to open them on their own yet. The straws are the good kind – no bite valve and not narrow. Easy to clean.
Anonymous
Camelback Eddy+ is what we’ve used for 4+ years, with the inchbug/orbit band name labels. These water bottles have been thrown/dropped/rolled down a hill several times and are in excellent shape. l bought four of the exact same water bottles and four of the same orbit band labels (to avoid the “but I want X water bottle today” and having that be in the dishwasher or the favorite getting lost). I have replaced the bite valves on the water bottles a few times, but the straws are wide enough that they get cleaned really well in the dishwasher. Zero mold/cleaning issues.
Anon for this
Same. Easy to buy replacement parts for.
FWIW, we tried metal because plastic is obvi The Worst and my kids kept denting theirs so they would tip… I just eventually did this and handwash every time.
Anon
Zak tumblers worked for us. We put ours through the dishwasher every night and never had any issues with mold because the whole thing comes apart nicely. Wide variety of sizes, designs, and insulation or not.
anon
I feel like Zak is a very underrated brand.
kag
Munchkin miracle sippy cup, ideally in a more unique color/animal print, so your kid can easily recognize it.
Anon.
This is the age to switch to water bottles. Contigo straw bottles work for us. Easy to clean in the dishwasher.
Anon
Best spas for a girls weekend? Ideally within an hour drive of a major airport?
Anon
Following with envy. But I live near a major airport so hoping maybe the answer is local to me.
anon
For $$$, Lake Austin Spa Resort. Very beautiful, and close in to Austin if you want to go out. If you have an outdoorsy group, Hyatt Lost Pines (outside of Austin) has a great spa, plus lots of activities.
Anon
or Miraval
NY CPA
Canyon Ranch in MA is about an hour from both the Albany and Hartford airports
Anon
Is a major airport NYC/SFO/O’Hare/Miami? Or a big hub that many people can get to directly from a variety of cities, like Dallas or Charlotte or Minneapolis?
Anon
Not OP, but I would call all of those major airports. To me, it just means a big airport that’s easily accessible from most of the country.
Anon
Does not necessarily have to be a hub but a city with enough tourist activity that there are a good amount of direct flight options or reasonable connections. So, somewhere like Miami, Nashville, or Austin would work, for example. People will be coming from multiple locations and we have limited time for travel so trying to prioritize convenience to a degree.
anon
My friend and i will be doing civana resort and spa next month, it’s less than an hour outside phoenix airport.
Anonymous
It’s $$$, but I really like the Carneros Inn.
Recs for elder care financial/legal advice in Sonoma or Stockton CA
Anyone have recommendations in Sonoma or Bay Area for an elder care lawyer or financial advisor? Stepdad who is 95 just entered hospice care at home, mom has an Alzheimer’s diagnosis, we need financial advice and possibly legal advice – they have pensions and long term care insurance that hasn’t kicked in yet and a house to get rid of in order to fund care. My sister is the one in California and is overwhelmed and I can’t get out there for a while – she’s in Sonoma, elders are in Stockton. Thanks very much for any recommendations.
Anon
I know call a lawyer is a popular response to the elder care question, but in my experience it’s not the most critical or even necessary step. It is help to have a power of attorney, but you can download that off legal zoom and as long as it’s completed properly, it will work where you need it. The real steps are finding an assisted living spot for your parents and figuring out how to pay for it. While it’s expensive, one of the good things is that they are “all inclusive,” and may be a lot less per month than your parents are currently spending. The hard part is getting the parents to let you help them. If they’re willing, everything else is pretty easy relatively speaking. In the Bay Area, the Sunrise facilities are pretty nice. I would recommend moving the parent who needs to go to a place near you or your sibling, but recognize this could mean changing doctors. Then it’s just selling the house and figuring out who’s doing what going forward. Who pays the place, who’s the first call, etc. It’s more time consuming than anything else of your parents are cooperative.
anon
In my area, our excellent elder care lawyer knew immediately what the right options where for my parent based on his medical needs/finances. If Mom has Alzheimer’s and Dad is on hospice they need almost immediate transfer to a CCRC or nursing home/memory care level facility. A good lawyer knows the best places…. and there are bad ones. The other option is staying in the home with 24 hour care likely needed soon…. which is very very expensive and complicated to manage for one family member that is local. This is a very very rough transition for the family.
So elder care lawyer is good.
And advice from the Social Worker with the Home Hospice worker is
And finally, you can call the Department of Aging for their locale to confirm any additional benefits that they may be entitled to. They often will send out a social worker to assess the situation.
Good luck to you. Strength.
Anon
Ummmmm……….
Power of attorney requirements vary greatly by state. And Legal Zoom isn’t always accurate or updated to the latest best practices. That’s not a situation where I personally would want to have potential mistakes.
Anon
OP here, thanks everyone! She’s talking to the hospice social worker this afternoon. And thanks for the good wishes and the acknowledgment of how rough this is.
Anon
Kelly Balamuth is an estate planning lawyer in the East Bay.
anon
Ideally they need an elder care lawyer, but maybe this lawyer can give recs.
Anon
Yes that was my thinking in recommending her.
Anons
Contact the Stebner firm. While they primarily handle elder abuse cases, they will either be able to advise you or to steer you to a trustworthy referral.
https://www.sggklaw.com/lp/elder-abuse-targeting-walnut-creek-ca-landing-page_ppc_lp/
anon
I would ask the hospice team for their advice. They should have several support resources that are looking after the whole family, not just the stepdad.
Senior Attorney
She’s in Pasadena but I’m sure she can help you on Zoom: Suzanne Cohen at Hahn and Hahn. Also she moved recently from the Bay Area so can probably refer you to someone.
Family Reunion Planning
I am planning a family reunion in Chicago over a weekend in July (Thurs-Sun). I have made reservations at restaurants for Thurs and Sat nights (we’re planning a pizza dinner at the hotel for Friday night). I have been sharing the plans with our family elders as a courtesy. A couple of them are totally against meeting for dinner all three nights – they said that is excessive. They think people should break into smaller groups on Sat night and make their own reservations at a restaurant of their choice so they can explore Chicago’s dining scene. Other than a boat tour there are no other activities planned. We are only expecting around 25 people. They are acting like the itinerary is way too packed and restrictive even though it’s just four events over three days. Am I off base here?
Anon
I don’t think you’re objectively off base, but if you’re outvoted, you’re outvoted. The idea of smaller dinners at nicer restaurants one night does sound appealing to me personally. Chicago has a lot of excellent restaurants, and people will probably enjoy having some smaller group time.
anon
why can’t people opt in and out
OP
People can opt in or out. They don’t have to attend the dinners, they are optional
Anon
Give it up. If people don’t want to gather for dinner, then don’t. Let everyone make their own plans.
The size of the dinners you were trying to schedule sound overwhelming and un-fun anyway.
Anon
Also, as a Chicagoan, trying to get a large group reservation for dinner will really limit your options. At 25 ppl you might even be in private room or pre selected menu territory (not just 25 ppl ordering off the menu). In any event even if you do all order, it’s just a mess and you will wait forever. Chicago has so many great places I’d recommend splitting up and getting reservations for 4-6 people.
anon
I don’t see the problem in breaking up into smaller groups. If it’s what the people want, why not?
Anon
There’s no objectively correct answer here. The people in your family are telling you what they want and they appear to have strong feelings, so you should probably listen to them. You can have one plan for a group dinner and let anyone who wants to do something else do their own thing, just require a commitment by whatever date the restaurant needs numbers by. I know this is more work than just having everyone there, so you could just leave everyone on their own if you prefer.
Anon
Yeah, listen to your audience. Personally, I’m closer to some relatives than others and I would be fine with one big event and I’d also want the flexibility to get together with a smaller subset. In your shoes, I’d plan one dinner for everyone and one going away brunch, like a wedding. Let people do their own thing the rest of the time.
Anon
i think they are acting strange. i’ve been following all of your posts and while i think these types of reunions are probably easiest at a resort or something, since it is taking place in Chicago, I agree with you – if you aren’t at least eating dinner together where is the family reunion part. 25 is also not that big of a group at all.
Anon
The reunion part is in the 3 other activities planned for the weekend! It’s okay if they want to break into smaller groups.
Anon
It’s totally fine. OP is teetering on the edge of the cruise director/drill sergeant line.
Anon
It’s ok to not bet together constantly even at a reunion. The people are saying they want one of the three nights to be smaller groups; not every night. I don’t think it’s strange at all.
Anon
But there are not going to be together during the day. If they don’t have dinner together, they see each other that day
Anonymous
The problem is that it is a small group that has decided they do not want a group dinner. The question is whether that is widespread or just them. I see three four options:
-Assuming your family can manage it, Survey Monkey
-Give them what they want (even if it is not what you and/or others want) and do not plan anything for one night. They might want to get together with their preferred group (their own siblings or children perhaps).
-Include a “Free night to explore Chicago’s dining scene. I will be making dinner reservations for myself and XXXX; you are welcome to join us! Please RSVP by X date.”
Anon
I don’t see why you’re bothered, I wouldn’t want to spend 3 straight nights with a large group either. Let them have a break and do something on their own if they want to.
An.On.
It just sounds like they really want to try a restaurant they’re excited about in a place they don’t get to go often, instead of places that have been chosen for them.
I would probably drop one of the dinners, but suggest either a lunch instead or additional morning activity for one of the days – going to the Art Institute or another museum, a walk through Grant Park, visit the Bean, go to the top of the Hancock building, etc, with deep dish/hot dogs for lunch, etc. If it’s over the summer, you could also check the cubs and white sox schedules.
Anonymous
So much this. I would be really bummed if I didn’t get to do a smaller dinner somewhere (or an activity of my own choosing) for at least one of the nights. Mixing things up like An.On. suggests sounds way more fun. And frankly way better to manage with 25 people. I hate super large dinners like that where service is really slow and menu options often get limited and you’re often stuck in your seat for hours. Three nights in a row sounds kinds of miserable.
OP
Thanks for all of the input so far. Just to clarify, the only event that is required is the Friday night pizza dinner at the hotel. People can opt in or out of the other events (Thurs night dinner, Fri architecture boat tour, Sat dinner). It’s more like a convenience for people who don’t want to make their own dinner reservations. “Hey we will be at x restaurant for dinner, feel free to join us if you want.” My aunt doesn’t want me to make dinner reservations at all on Sat night and let everyone figure it out on their own. But then people will have to make their own dinner plans on a Sat night in downtown Chicago, which seems like more work for them. Also if we don’t meet for dinner on Sat night then we will not meet as a group that day at all. Also a couple people already said they probably won’t get to Chicago until Fri evening, which will make the family reunion time even shorter for them. Just wanted to provide that additional context, but if I am still being the unreasonable one then I will let it go.
Anon
I do think you’re cruise director-ing the whole thing a little bit too much, but I’m confused about why your aunt wants to block you from making reservations for yourself on Saturday if her goal for Saturday is to have people eat separately. Just tell her “This is where I’m eating, feel free to do your own thing” and you can invite other interested people to join you. Definitely don’t expect to find a nice meal for a group on Saturday night without a reservation.
Anon
The thing is big group reservations feel mandatory not helpful. In your shoes, I’d make the main event Saturday night, the pizza optional and cancel your third thing. I’d be so annoyed if the “mandatory pizza night” was the big event and people couldn’t make it in time.
Anon
I think you’re not being unreasonable in a vacuum. It’s a perfectly reasonable plan of action to make a reservation for anyone who can and wants to attend. I do wonder if you’re maybe coming across as too much like a cruise director in the scenario. I say this because I have exactly the same tendency.
Having said that, if there are people who aren’t going to make it Friday night, that doesn’t seem like the right “mandatory” activity. I’d maybe switch up the days and make sure that it’s very very clear people can join the dinner you make a res for or not!
Vicky Austin
+1.
But your aunt being upset that you’re making dinner reservations for a Saturday night in a major city is…a little silly. Maybe you just need to remind her than an invitation is not a summons, as we say so often here.
Anon
Why is the mandatory pizza dinner on Friday if some people are going to miss it? Can you move that to Saturday?
I’ve never done a destination family reunion like this, but to me this seems more like your family wants a loosely coordinated joint trip with a family reunion event one night. I would let everyone go their own way but leave your dinner invitations open but give an rsvp deadline, see who opts in and make a reservation, and then you can adjust downward if people flake. Mostly, I think there’s a mismatch of expectations here, and you’ll be happier if you can focus on the large group event a real success and fun on the one night and then let the rest of it go as bonus time.
A whole family reunion trip to me means that you’d be spending multiple days together with a set itinerary to opt in or out of – and I’ve definitely seen those, with matching t-shirts and all. But those groups are way larger than 25, and it just doesn’t seem like your family wants to go this route.
Compromise
I think breaking into smaller groups at the *end* of the weekend sounds ok
That way ideally people have gotten to know new people and made new friends and no one is alone
Maybe have 1 smalller designated home base on Saturday for any stragglers or poor planners and the others can do what they like
KJ
25 people for a weekend night reservation in a big city is too much unless you’re getting a private room or otherwise arranging it as an ‘event’ with the restaurant. Personally I feel like this is always really slow, obviously stressful for staff, and makes a huge scene at the restaurant. Maybe your aunt is pushing back on this because she feels similarly.
anon
Has anyone tried the Nisolo huaraches and can comment on the comfort level and whether they’re worth the cost? Birks are my summer go-tos but I’m basically looking for something that’s one step up from that and very versatile. My summer style can be described as extremely basic, so I’m not looking for cutting edge fashion here.
Anon
Not those specific shoes, but the Nisolo line has got to be the most uncomfortable brand I’ve ever tried. They’re hawked all the time on Cup of Jo and I’ve been influenced. It’s been a while and I think returns were a bit of a hassle too. They’re on my never again list.
anon
Oh, that’s a bummer. Thank you for the warning, though.
Anonymous
Agree. I tried Nisolo and they seemed very cheap.
Anon
I’ve only ever seen Nisolo promoted by people who are obviously getting paid a lot by the company to do so.
Anonymous
They stain horribly when they get wet and in the summer where I live it always rains at least once a day in the afternoon for a bit so they got ruined.
Anon
I don’t have those, but I have the Nisolo Chelsea boots and they’re fine. Maybe a little overpriced? They are comfortable to me, but the leather gets scuffed easily. I’m happy enough with them but not necessarily dying to get more from the brand.
Anonymous
I ordered them last year and they did not fit me — too tight in the straps over my foot. Going up a size did not help, they were just longer, so I returned.
Anonymous
I got some and they are certainly no where near as comfortable as Birks. Theoretically, they stretch out, so I wore them only in the office last summer and kept my Birks for commuting (subway) to try to slowly break them in. As such, they are in fine shape but I haven’t really put them to the test. They have frequent sales if you get on their email list; do not pay full price.
Anon
I have them and am on my second pair. They will adjust/stretch to your feet over time. There is not padding on the bottom, so while they are comfortable to walk in/wear for a long time, it’s not like they will provide padding if you’re walking on something like cobblestones. I don’t know if it’s just how I’ve broken them in, but my first paid seems to break in earlier and was more comfortable.
I wear them a lot casually as a step up from Birks. I also find my feet get too hot in Birks if it’s really humid out (live in the SEUS). They don’t work in rain though, so I wear my Reef sandals if it’s raining or wet.
Generally, I have really liked Nisolo’s sandals. I do not like their boots or other shoes. They are too narrow and take too long to break in. (I used to live near their flagship store, so I’ve tried most of their shoes.)
Anononon
I have a black pair and a white pair and live in them all summer. I’m not sure I would pack them as my only shoes on a week-long city vacation, but I can definitely walk all day in them on a normal day. I have wide-ish feet.
Anon
BigLaw attorney here. With loans. I keep picking up the phone only to find a financial advisor trying to pitch me on the other end. Sometimes I am waiting for a call (and I never know now which # a person will call me from), so I politely bow out. Sometimes I listen a little. I am a bit embarassed, but I don’t think I have any investible funds and I’m a bit embarrassed. Like I max out my 401K and then leftover funds are split between loan repayment, emergency and buy-a-condo funds, and a 500 Index fund, but I am not as flush with cash as these people seem to think. Like if I had an extra 10K to invest, which I won’t, I’d throw it into an existing bucket, and I don’t think they’d want to help someone with 10K (or that it would make sense to try to move an existing 401K unless I change jobs or a vanguard fund that I have directly). For insider-trading rules, I can’t really buy stocks because they are illiquid for me (often locked out of selling). So is there a point? I don’t want to say “I have no $,” but I think that I don’t have any $ for them to help me with (so I’d say “my needs are met already” and then “I don’t care to discuss with specifics” for people too pushy to bow out). What am I missing? And since I’m a first-generation person (both parents were municipal workers with pensions, so this was never been a family concern or need), am I doing anything wrong?
go fo it
This happens to me at work with annoying frequency.
script ” the companies needs are met already ”
have a nice day
Anon
They are doing this for their own good, not for yours. Maybe they don’t know that a lot of younger BigLaw attorneys have huge loans. Maybe they don’t care – they figure that they can develop a relationship with you and invest your big money years down the road.
Regardless, you can actually just hang up! You don’t owe these people. “I was expecting another call. I am not interested; please do not call me back.” (Click)
anonshmanon
+1, you don’t owe them any of your time!
Davis
You’re not obligated to have that conversation with someone who’s cold-calling you. It sounds like you’re not ready or interested in this right now, so it’s OK to interject early on that you’re not interested and to be taken off their list.
When you have a moment or some more interest here, find a fee-only financial advisor to help do a financial checkup for you – including your budget/cashflow, debt, investments, and insurance. Then you can be sure that person is looking out for your needs and priorities and is aligned with your personal values and risk tolerance. Until then, politely decline these salespeople.
Anon
The only thing you’re doing wrong is answering the phone. If you just answer, hang up once you realize it’s not who you thought. And block the number. Unless Warren Buffet himself is calling, there’s no one who’s going to take that approach who you should listen to anyway.
Anon
You are not doing anything wrong. These are cold-call salespeople. Yes, they need to make a living, same as anyone, but not with your money.
anon
+1
Just be glad it is not… your childhood best friend cold calling you. Again. And again…. trying to get you to transfer your Fidelity investments to her.
Did I mention that she just started in this business after a couple months of training?
Anon
Just wondering — for young adults, aren’t most of their “assets” a 401K account? In that case, how can you transfer it anywhere?
anon
Well, in my friend’s “company/firm/whatever” they want you to roll over your 401k whatever into their IRA etc…
Anonymous
Maybe only the poor ones LOL. Most people do have assets.
Cat
Those advisors just run through every firm attorney’s phone number hoping someone will answer. It was a running joke in my old office since everyone’s phone would light up in sequence from the same person.
Just don’t answer, or if you have to answer bc you think it may be a client, say “no thank you” and hang up. They’ve encountered worse.
Anon
This. Be kind but just say your needs are met, and hang up. You can also ask to be placed on their do not call list.
Anonymous
Hang up on them. Seriously, this is not worth your time and I would NEVER hire an advisor who cold called me (it would always be via a referral from a trusted source).
Anonymous
seriously all this anxiety for a cold-call from an unknown ‘advisor’, hang up
Anonymous
Thanks for reaching out, but I don’t need any assistance right now.
Anonymous
This is too nice. “Sorry, I’m not interested. Please take me off your list and don’t contact me again.”
anon
Don’t be embarrassed. It sounds like you’re doing everything right.
I think even if you did have need for a financial advisor, the people cold calling are unlikely to be the kind of financial advisor you want. But, I think the benefit of a financial advisor is often overstated for people who are smart and care to read about personal finance, but aren’t give a building to a college rich.
Senior Attorney
“I’m happy with my current arrangements. Please put me on your do-not-call list.”
anon
“I don’t respond to cold calls for business. Please remove my number from this database.”
Anon
Just politely say you’re not interested and hang up. You don’t need to get embarrassed by telemarketers.
Anon
My standard response is to interrupt quickly with: “I do not respond to telephone solicitations. Please put my name on your firm’s do not call list. Thank you.” Click.
Nudibranch
Cold calling is the way new financial advisors build a base of business. While they may be potentially great, they likely do not have a lot of experience, or clients, or assets under management yet (or else they would be doing business with them, not cold calling you.) No one enjoys cold calling.
You do not need to respond. My guess is your contact info is on some list somewhere that they are using.
Anon
Crossposting from Moms site – any reccos for NOLA Swamp Tours? When I looked it up there are just…a lot. My local friends have not been since they were kids, so don’t have any current thoughts.
It’ll be me + 6 year old kid. TIA!
Anon
Has anyone tried the Saatva youth mattress? We need a twin bed for a kid’s room and we like our Saatva adult mattress. Not sure if we should get a regular twin or this youth version.
Anon
We have the youth. I got it for my then-almost 5 year old. It’s about a year old now and in fine shape. It’s too soft for me (but still former than most foam mattresses) but that’s the point for the youth mattress because they have a lower weight to smush into the mattress at a comfortable level. At a certain age you flip it and it becomes slightly firmer. I’ll probably buy it again for my younger kids.
Anon
If you are getting a firmer mattress, go for youth. I am a smallish but not tiny adult woman, and the firmest Saatva puts my hands to sleep. Saatva confirmed that tgis is a common problem.
Anon
did anyone read about the study re IF and cardiovascular disease? thoughts?
Anon
It didn’t seem like much of a study, but it may raise some questions for follow up. My experience is that it matters a lot what I eat during an eight hour window whether I feel well skipping a meal. I wonder if people skipping meals because they can’t afford food may not be eating expensive fresh foods during their eight hours? I read that they tried to control for a lot of variables, but I’m not sure how detail they were realistically able to control for.
Nesprin
So a couple thoughts: if the one I found is the one you’re referencing, it’s a presentation at a conference (i.e. work in progress), not a peer reviewed paper (i.e. completed work), so I’m going off of press releases only. If you can post the paper I missed, happy to take another look.
It looks like a big, observational study, not a randomized prospective study (so studying people who’ve chosen to follow either IF or non-time limited eating), which means that the 2 groups could be different in a way that isn’t controlled (i.e. people who go on IF to lose weight could be people who had a higher baseline cardiovascular risk). They’re looking at just cause of death which is a simplistic measure: if you die of pneumonia while suffering from cancer, you count as death from pneumonia only.
Keep in mind that scientific studies are often data points, not definitive answers: without understanding the methodology and study population it’s hard to judge how relevant a given study is to your health condition. A 91% increase in risk of death from cardiovascular disease doesn’t translate directly to your risk of death from cardiovascular disease- if you are <40 and otherwise in good health, your risk from cardiovascular death is small compared to your risk of death from say a car accident and an increase in CV death risk is relatively minor.
Anon
A lot of thoughts.
There seems to be some evidence that fasting can be more harmful to women than to men. It jacks up our hormones, and oestrogen is helpful to preventing heart issues in women.
Hot take (CW?): from what I have seen, the Diet Industrial Complex is good at convincing women that they need to engage in extreme diets to be appropriately slim. (My criticism here is leveled at the DIC, not any person.) It’s unsustainable, so most people stop the diet and go back to eating the way they did before. This results in more weight gain and – just guessing here – more strain on the body. Then it’s on to the next cool diet that is supposed to help.
(One of the things I noticed during Lent: people who are generally even keeled in their food will give up Starbucks or cookies for Lent. People who engage in more of the wild swings will go vegan, do Whole30, fast all day every Friday, etc. I want to be compassionate here – I think a very toxic society encourages this awful relationship with food.)
So many people who do IF or Whole30 or what-not are likely coming in with more swings in diet, changes to their metabolism, etc., that results in more damage to the body. Of course many healthy people do IF and such and has a food experience, but I think an observational study on any restrictive diet is going to show these results.
Asheville
We are headed to Asheville for spring break on Saturday. I had lots of fun outdoor activities planned, but it looks like most of the week will be rainy. Suggestions for indoor things to do? We are a family of four with two boys 13 and 10.
Anon
I think the real answer is put on rain gear and go outside. There isn’t a lot of indoor stuff in Asheville, especially not for tween/teen boys.
Anon
Pinball museum.
Cradle of forestry.
Raincoats.
Asheville
Cradle of forestry looks awesome and would have been a big hit with my older son that wants to go into forestry/horticulture, but it is not open until mid-April. We will suck it up and do some outdoor things in the rain, but I am not an outdoor cat in general, and our youngest is Autistic and hates getting caught in the rain. It will be a balance for sure. Thank goodness we have a fireplace and a hot tub at the Airbnb!
Anon
I agree – a rain coat and rain pants make hiking in the rain enjoyable.
Anon
Go to the waterfalls. You will get wet anyway. Looking Glass Falls, Triple Falls, etc.
Anonymous
Biltmore or Grove Park Inn could be fun to check out. There are also a lot of really cool restaurants, bookstores, record stores etc. downtown.
Fallen
Biltmore. I can’t recall the name of it but there’s an arcade that you pay like 5-10 and it’s unlimited games – theres also a really good ice cream shop near it. Also can’t remember the name, but go to the place that sells fresh/hot out of the oven donuts, and to Obama’s favorite BBQ spot.
Also, I am all for doing hikes in the rain when it’s raining. We went to Costa Rica a few years ago and it rained everyday but we got good rain jackets and ponchos and had a blast.
KC
I think it’s Asheville Retrocade. Fun place!
Anon
for those of you that use tinkle razors on your face, does your hair grow back thicker?
Anon
I use one on my eyebrows and haven’t noticed the hair getting thicker, but my eyebrows are thick and dark to begin with.
Anonymous
No, but it all grows back at the same time so it can be prickly.
Anon
Not me. It might seem thicker at first because it all grows back on the same cycle after you cut it a few times, and hair that is growing back feels thicker because of how the end of the hair is shaped after shaving. My derm said that it doesn’t make the hair thicker.
Anon
+1. The hair on my face has gotten thicker/darker with age, not with shaving. Welcome to almost 40, I guess.
Anon
if you do it once and don’t like it, does your hair look worse after? or is it the kind of thing you have to keep doing
Anon
No, shaving once does not change anything about your hair. It might look or feel worse at first as it grows back in, but after a week or two, the individual hairs will be back to normal.
Cora
Nopes
anon
Nope. But it tends to grow back without that (never shaven…) tapered end, so “feels” harsher to the touch and gives the illusion of being thicker. But it is not.
But they will thicken with age.
If I had endless time and money I would do electrolysis, but my sensitive skin might not like that either (waxing is damaging). So those tinkle razors are wonderful. So fast. So easy. So cheap.
op
you are all tempting me to try it. how often do i have to do it?
Anon
This varies by person. I have a friend who does it every week. I do every other week. Just try and see what works best for you!
anon
+1
And it literally takes less than 1 minute.
And if you just have a few hairs on your chin/whatever, it takes 2 seconds
Anonymous
Growing back thicker is a myth. It appears thicker because of the blunt ends. No matter what razor you use your hair will not get thicker with shaving.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Nope! As a bonus it’s exfoliating.
Travel
I’m going on an international trip and want to get some trip insurance, particularly in case of a medical emergency. Does anyone have a favorite insurance vender they have used.
Anon
I’ve used Global Rescue in the past and been happy with responsiveness. I haven’t had to actually use the insurance though.
Flats Only
I’ve used World Nomads for insurance. Never had to make a claim. I think their pricing and terms are very clear so I am comfortable with them. I always try to get a policy that includes a 24 help line that I can call in case of emergencies (medical, crime, etc.). I’m often traveling alone, and having someone to help me solve serious problems is valuable to me.
Anon
Any recommendations for Reykjavik in February?
Senior Attorney
We stayed at the Canopy Hotel a few years ago and loved it. Great location.
Anon
Get out of the city as much as possible. It’s a cute city, but very small (about 100k people) and you can see it in half a day easily. The best stuff in Iceland is elsewhere.
We stayed in Thingholt by Center Hotels, and were happy – it’s affordable by Icelandic standards and the breakfast was very good, also it’s right around the corner from a nice bakery so you can grab stuff to go for a day trip.
Anon
Also if you can afford to book your hotel for the night before you arrive, it’s worth it. Flights to Iceland land super early (compared to mainland Europe), and the airport is not far from the city. We were at our hotel room by about 8 am, took a nice nap and still had the better part of the day to explore. You do need to give the hotel a head’s up that you’re not arriving until the morning.
Tia
What can you see behind you on your zoom background if you WFH?
I’m redecorating my office and deciding between:
– a framed poster of an art exhibit
– artwork that reflects one of my hobbies
– mementos related to a very pivotal moment of my career – but not this industry, the one I worked in before.
I know there’s all the “books make you look smarter” but realistically its going to be one of these pieces of art I already have.
Anon
Go with whatever you like best. I don’t judge anyone’s background unless it’s super distracting or messy.
Hellooooooooooo
I agree!
Senior Attorney
I have an actual IBM Selectric typewriter behind me and have had a fair number of fun comments. I feel like any of the items you’ve listed would be fine.
Anon
My kid’s framed elementary school artwork. Quirky, colorful, and a good conversation piece.
Trixie
I’d make a gallery wall out of those pieces and any others you can add in. Maybe aim for 5 things. That way no one piece stands out.
Anon
Most people in my org just used the blur tool so you can’t see anything in the background
Anonymous
Try propping each option up and looking at yourself on Zoom. Sometimes things that look really cool in person just look cluttery on camera.
Anon
A wall of framed artwork and a set of state statutes, which are there because that’s where they fit in my office.
Anon
Nothing, I use a background image from my company.
Hellooooooooooo
Heading to Mexico City for 5 days in May. Any top fun things to do or see? Looking for a balance of sightseeing and just cool neighborhood window shopping/strolling if any such in the city. Thanks
Anon
Just went this fall, but with my kids so perhaps a different itinerary, but here were my favorites… Castillo de Chapultepec (and the rest of the park/forest); the museum of anthropology (same park), walking around hipódromo/roma neighborhood- particularly Amsterdam street; seeing the luchadores. We stayed in la condesa which was great and walkable to Roma. Both neighborhoods were fun. The thing that surprised us is how car oriented the city is – on the map our Airbnb was so close to Chapultepec but it turned out there was no good way to walk there. Ubers were plentiful and cheap, however, so not a problem.
I personally did not enjoy the Kahlo house as much as I expected to, as it was very crowded. Maybe if I had gotten the first tickets if the day that would have been better. We also went to the ruins which was cool to see but a pain to get to – with only 5 days it would not be a priority for me.
Hellooooooooooo
Thank you!
Anon
Have fun! I loved the city and would go back in a heartbeat!!!
Anon
Does anyone know of gluten free catering options for any big chain places? I’m hosting a party and would normally order pizzas or Jimmy John’s party boxes but have a gluten free (and olive oil allergic) guest, and want to at least give them something to eat without a ton of effort on my part. The other issue is that I don’t like in a city, so our options are limited and don’t normally cater to vegetarian or allergen diets.
Anon
Maybe check a chain like Chipotle to see how much cross-contamination occurs. They have flour tortillas of course, but the rest could potentially be gluten free?
EB
Salad places often have gluten-free options. I know that Panera and Chopt do at least. If you’re in a part of the country with Mellow Mushroom Pizza, they also have gluten-free options. Mediterranean places usually have good gluten-free options as well.
Anon
Dominos GF pizza is decent. I am not sure whether it has olive oil, though. You could also order regular pizza for the other guests, have a big salad (with olive oil free dressing options), and pop a frozen GF pizza (Trader Joes, whole foods, nearly any supermarket carries these) in your oven for the GF guest. I’ve been GF for 20 years and would be very happy with the latter arrangement :)
Anonymous
Is the guest GF by choice or medical necessity? I find that most people with a medical reason for being GF do not want to eat GF food where they don’t control the chain of custody because the consequences of contamination are so great. They usually bring their own food or quietly skip eating at parties. GF by choice is a whole other thing–these people will usually be offended if you do not go out of your way to provide a GF option.
Anon
I LOLed at the last part, but you’re right.
Maybe a frozen GF pizza from the store and order Papa John’s for everyone else?
Anon
Barbeque might be your answer here.
toolate
PF Changs!! Really good gf food.