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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 90 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Jodi Pointed-Toe Flat

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Kors Jodi Pointed-Toe FlatI luuuurve the look of these pointed toe flats from Michael Kors. The cutouts! The faux t-strap! The pointed toe! Gorgeous. They're $295 at Neiman Marcus (also available in white and black). Michael Kors Jodi Pointed-Toe Flat (L-4)

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Comments

  2. Famouscait

    Looking for sewing machine advice! I want to buy a sewing machine to recover some pillows, alter my own pant hems, and (eventually) make some nursery decor (should we ever be blessed with babies…), etc. Based solely off reviews on Amazon.com, which machine is the better choice:

    http://www.amazon.com/Brother-Feature-Rich-Built-In-Auto-Size-Buttonholes/dp/B000JQM1DE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1390333172&sr=8-1&keywords=sewing+machine

    http://www.amazon.com/Brother-Everyday-stitches-including-Buttonhole/dp/B000EOX28E/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1390333172&sr=8-3&keywords=sewing+machine

    I like that neither is expensive, but the higher-priced model is twice the cost of the other, so I want to be sure I’m not over-purchasing. Thoughts from experienced (or inexperienced) sewers?

    • Silver

      Not sure if you are new to sewing but one thing to consider is whether you will need to buy specialized or generic components, such as bobbins and needles. I *think* I bought the Brother LS2125i refurbished and while I liked it, I found the foot pedal to be either slow or fast, ie there wasn’t much speed control and that I found very annoying. It also called for special bobbins.. also annoying. But it is cheap and good for beginners. :-)

    • Mpls

      It’s all the extra stitches, the computerized stitch selection, and the auto sized buttonholer (which is a brilliant feature!) that makes up the price difference. The extra (probably fancy?) stitches could be nice for crafting type things. Either should probably suffice for basic and infrequent usage.

      Don’t worry – you aren’t even ranging into the really nice (and expensive) machines yet. Those are easily 10 times as much as these. That would probably be buying more than you need.

    • Philanthropy Girl

      My experience with Brothers is that they are cheap and fall apart rapidly. I would advise not buying on Amazon or a big box store. I bought mine for curtains and hemming – and I kid you not, the thing brand new just went wacky. Tension was off, threads knotting and breaking. It was a nightmare. When I had mine, the sewing machine repair guy just shook his head and said “we call these disposable machines.” They’re often more expensive to repair than replace.

      If you want something that gets infrequent use, but will last you a long time, head to a private dealer and look at a Janome.

      • Mpls

        Out of curiosity – is Janome part of the Bernina family (like the lower tier)?

        To the commentator – I will second the suggestion to check with local dealers. Chain fabric stores (like JoAnns and Hancock) often have private dealers located in the stores, so you can try out machines – and take classes on how to use your machine.

        And it is worth it to have a machine that works – if the tension is off, or the bobbin is hard to load, or the stitch speed is hard to control, you aren’t going to want to use the machine and will have wasted however much you spent. If you spend a little more for something that works (and will continue to work with a little maintenance and care), then you’ll actually use the machine.

        • IT Chick in MN

          I’ll second this. I’m part of a medieval recreation group, so I have a lot of friends who sew. Brother machines just don’t seem to last and are fiddly. Go to a fabric store or a sewing machine store/repair (they do still exist!). Easy to find bobbins and needles are a key in how long you will actually use your machine.

          For getting started once you have the machine, I highly recommend Craftsy classes. To avoid moderation, I’ll just say they come up at the top of a google search. Online video classes that you have permanent access to, and high-quality instruction.

    • BB

      I would actually go for the super cheap one unless you want to get a more high end model. If that’s the case, I agree that you should go to a private dealer and look at other brands. I have a starter model too. It’s discontinued (Viking E20), and I got it for $100 on sale at a dealer. It has a few more stitches than the Brother on there and has a 1 step, instead of 4 step, buttonhole. I sew a lot now – garments mostly- and I honestly haven’t needed anything but 3 stitch styles. The buttonhole feature is nice, but 4 steps isn’t bad if you’re not doing a lot of buttonholes.

      For what you’re doing, I’d get the cheap one. If you end up getting really into quilting or making clothes or upholstery, maybe think about getting an expensive model later. That’s where I’m at now (considering getting a Bernina), but even sewing like 1 garment per 3 weeks, I can still make do on my old starter machine.

    • Clementine

      I have a basic-ish Husquavarna- more expensive than what you’re looking for but I love it.

      I will echo what others have said- you’re better off getting a solid, refurbished machine than something new with a very low price that will never quite do what you want it to and/or break immediately.

      • Anon

        +1 on the refurbished machine, and the Husqvarna – I recently received my mom’s 8 year old Husqvarna, but before that I had a cheap Singer that broke down after a few projects (2 baby quilts – pieced only, not quilted on machine, and 4 pillows).

    • Aerith

      I have a cheap Brother machine I bought from Overstock and it’s worked fine for my purposes. I’ve used it to do hemming, alter clothing, and sew curtains. I don’t sew very often, but probably you only need a few stitches and maybe the buttonhole feature if you’re going to make something with buttons.

      • Rosalita

        Agree with this. I love sewing and have a sewing/quilting room and meet my friends for a sewing/quilting night every month. My first machine was that $69 Brother. It was totally fine for hemming pants and all my other household projects. I made blankets, curtains, pillows, and a queen-size duvet cover on it. If you are new to sewing, I highly recommend getting the cheaper one. When you get more experienced, then you’ll figure out how and when to upgrade. (I got a higher-end Brother for Christmas a few years later.) Higher-end machines have all kinds of bells and whistles, and when you know if you’re more interested in quilting or embroidery or garment sewing, you’ll know what advanced features you’ll need.

    • Anon

      May be too late, but if you’re still checking, I actually would recommend buying an older, used model if you’re not 100% sure that you’ll be doing a ton that requires the fancy new bells and whistles. I got an older Singer on craigslist that is super sturdy and works great (I think a sewing machine repair shop might have used models that they’re selling). I’ve heard these are a “they don’t make them like they used to” item.

  3. Two Cents

    Thanks so much to the person who recommended calling Nordstrom Rack and seeing if they had the dress in stock (which was sold out online). They had it in a store across the country and are shipping it to me. I guess their inventory in stores differs from what is available online. Win!

    • zora

      oooo, thanks for the report back!! I will keep that in mind in the future. never even thought about it!

      • AIMS

        I have done this before with Saks when they ran out of something in my size that was heavily discounted. Both times, they found the item in a store and fed ex-ed it to me very quickly.

    • NOLA

      Seriously, I think this is available way more than people think. My SIL wanted this really pretty origami neck blouse from Talbot’s. They didn’t have it in her store in her size (it was on sale), so she gave up. I had it shipped to her from another store – really easy!

      • zora

        yeah, I know about regular retail stores, but I was thinking of Nordstrom Rack more like Marshalls, etc. That they just have what they have and wouldn’t be able to transfer things from stores, but they have such good deals sometimes!

  4. preg 3L

    Law School / Resume question. I interned for a judge in state trial court. After my internship ended, the judge was promoted to state appellate court. Do I indicate that on my resume? If so, how? Thanks!

    • LeChouette

      No – just list the court he was on when you clerked. i.e.:

      Honorable John Doe, Anonymous County Trial Court, City, State, Month/Year
      Intern

      it would look oddly prestige-grabbing if you listed the fact that he was promoted after your intership ended (which I am sure is not your intent, but is how i would read it)

      • preg 3L

        Great. Thanks! Definitely don’t want to look prestige-grabby (but didn’t want to unintentionally slight the judge…).

        • In Rem

          But if you list the judge as a reference, you’ll need to put the correct court and perhaps a line explaining, as the person checking references will need to know the judge’s correct court and title. So if you have a separate reference sheet attachment, explain it there.

          • Senior Attorney

            This. List the job (clerking for a trial court judge) on your resume, but give the person (current appellate court justice) as a reference. Cake, have, eat.

          • Hel-lo

            You could even put “(Appointed to Texas Supreme Court in July 2013)” under their name on the reference sheet so people know.

  5. Love and Q

    Agree — love that these are not >3″ high and not sloppy flats.

    A Q to continue from this morning re money managers:

    I have gotten a lot of cold calls from money managers. I think they look up lawyers on their web pages, mention a client that they work for who works with me (inevitably a heavy hitter — hopefully with their permission). They ask a lot of intrusive questions about how munch $ I have, what my investments are, who does my work now, etc., etc.

    IMO, this is the sort of thing that I would worry about elderly relatives handing out too freely and getting scammed. Second, it’s not the sort of thing I’d tell someone who is a stranger to me. Third, I’m never convinced that a relationship that started out this questionable would ever be fruitful (and if so, worth it once you factor in the fees (which I am sure are staggering)). Finally, this is no way to pick someone to trust with such big decisions on one’s life (you’d never pick a lawyer this way).

    And rather than share this, a simple “No, thank you, but I’m not looking for someone” is what I offer and usually gets some pushback. Bless their hearts . . .

    • Love and Q

      So ranty that I forgot to put in the Q:

      Does anyone here really use advisors? How sure are you that there’s any value-add there? And how sure are you that there isn’t a higher tranche of client who gets better advice / more options / etc. than you? I get that the fee structure is more efficient the more assets you have. But I have a feeling that if you scrape bottom in the accredited investor arena, you are much better off on your own (stated another way: each person’s needs are so fact-specific and so ever-changing that it is just impossible to do well for small accounts when you consider the costs of keeping on top of things).

      [FWIW, I have to deal with a lot of insider-trading restrictions on my ability to do anything, but I think that constant transactions just generate bad tax consequences and that the associated fees (either per transaction or on a net asset basis) can really erode any profits.]

      • Diana Barry

        Many of our clients use advisors – in addition to investment management (not worth it by itself IMO) there is a lot of value add for the $10M and up crew. They can pay bills, make the annual exclusion gifts to relatives, wire $$, advise on tax consequences, invest in what you want if you are particular, do the taxes, etc. It is particularly helpful if you have weird assets (closely held stock, company options, charitable trusts, etc. etc.) or if you are making lots of scheduled outflows every month to fund your private foundation, etc. The high-end ones really do make it seamless and easy – they should for the fees that they get!

      • roses

        Weird, I was actually just scrolling down to the bottom of the page to ask this. Normally, I’ve turned down all of those cold calls, but I did agree to meet one from a well-respected national bank, as I perceived that as less sketchy/gimmicky than the firms that bill themselves as financial advisors. He was actually very informative, and it seemed like his schtick was to get me to invest in mutual funds for retirement. He stated he operated on commission from the investments – i.e., no money out of my pocket – but the rate of return that they quoted seemed on par with other mutual funds, from my internet research. I guess my question, then, is whether anyone knows if there’s a huge downside to working with reps like this?

        • Anonymous

          Check the expense ratio on their funds. It may be much higher than say, investing in a Vanguard (or other, I’m not trying to promote Vanguard) equivalent fund yourself.

          Another risk is that he may steer you into funds or investments that provide him with a higher commission than others, when that may not be the most beneficial asset allocation for you.

        • Hel-lo

          This is what Edward Jones people do. But mine has been making tons of money for me, so who cares how she gets paid? I love my EJ Financial Advisor.

      • MR

        I use an advisor but it is just for the 529 plan I set up for my niece. I also used him for a short time previously when I was working for a firm that did not have health insurance or a retirement plan. My grandmother worked for him for 20+ years and he has good credentials so that is how I settled on him. I have basically no knowledge about investments and the I am relatively young (and paying off student loans) so the only investment I have now is my retirement funds.

      • In-House Optimist

        A little late to the thread, but…my husband and I use one. Our shiz is a bit complicated for a variety of reasons, and neither my husband nor I are great with finance/investment stuff (similar boat to MK). Ours held seminars at my prior firm (investing 101, etc), then I set up a one-on-one, decided I liked him, and hired him on to handle our stuff. He was originally paid by percentage on investments, but has transferred over to his own private firm (yay for him!) and now works on an hourly rate. He was a huge help in helping us work the numbers/tax implication of me transitioning out of BigLaw (huge paycut, lots of messiness involved all around), and is now helping us plan to get my husband out too … he’s also awesome about teaching me the finance/investment aspect and has recommended an accountant to help us with our (also incredibly messy) taxes. He also encouraged us to buy our first house, something I definitely wasn’t thinking to do but looking back was an amazing decision for us. So moral of the story, yes they can be helpful!

        I’d also note that I was the recipient of cold-calls too … they also seemed sketchy to me. The fact that ours was actually working with my firm went a long way for us.

    • Anonattorney

      It’s really irritating. I got bombarded once I passed the bar – they must have looked up all new admittees in the bar directory and just started calling. The best were the ones who lied about knowing my colleagues. Then they keep calling and calling and trying to schedule coffee. LEAVE ME ALONE!

      • preg anon

        I had someone the other day say we are connected on LinkedIn. I checked, and we aren’t, so I told her as much (in a friendly way).

        • Wildkitten

          I politely tell them I’m not interested and then I hang up. They don’t take no for an answer if you don’t end the call, in my experience.

      • Pink

        I actually agreed to meet with one once (since I used to cold call for selling knives), and outlined how (a) I’m broke, (b) what I’m already currently doing, and once she saw that I wasn’t worth her time/she wouldn’t offer me more that what I was already doing on my own, in my free time, she didn’t bother me again. Now I just tell them I’m broke and not interested.

  6. Ellen

    Yay! Coffee Break! Cat these are wonderful shoe’s but I personally prefer heel’s, b/c I need to look as tall as possible in court. Men naturaly are taller then me so if I wear 3 or 4″ heel’s, I am either the same or taller then them and I am more imposeing in court. I remember that Brian is very intimidated when I am speakeing directly to him face to face, but onley when I am standeing in front of him. He is to scared to look me in the eye and quickley lookes elsewhere. I am happy that he is totaly sexless and does NOT look at my body.

    The judge is alway’s lookeing at my leg’s and when it is cold out he alway’s ask’s why I come to court wearing pump’s and a skirt! I tell him b/c the manageing partner want’s me to look professional and I know the judge apreciate’s my leg’s also. I usueally also take off my jacket in court in the summer b/c it is not very well air conditeioned, but in the winter I leave it on. I know he like’s to look at my body (in a clean way) and I can make a few mistake’s w/o getting beat up like my opposeing council does!

    Frank is makeing out the annual partnership return, but I am NOT part of it b/c it is for caleandar year 2013, and I was NOT a partner. Dad has requested a copy of the return when ready. I am so glad that dad is watcheing over me. I just wish he would not be pusheing me so hard to marry someone already! He has a place he is goeing to close on in Charlotesvile, VA so he is trying to get me married off ASAP. I just wish there were men out there who would marry me first and not just want to have sex with me. FOOEY! The men I know (other then Willem) want sex first. DOUBEL FOOEY!

  7. repost

    I had a second interview in early December. On Dec 30 I checked in on the timeline, and they said all candidates would be contacted shortly. Can I contact them again? Or just let it go? What could possibly be taking this long? Im assuming I didnt get it but just want to know

    • HappyHoya

      Depending on the industry, there are plenty of things that may be taking “this long.” You can contact them again, but I don’t think you necessarily should or need to, nor do I think one month since they said “shortly” means you didn’t get the job. In my experience job hunting, “shortly” can mean anywhere from a week to two months. I wouldn’t be surprised if they used such a vague term because they didn’t have a concrete date they planned to hire by. Try not to worry too much about it and don’t jump to conclusions about not getting the job. Good luck with your search!

      • Anonymous

        originally they wanted the person to be in by December. Thanks for the good wishes!

    • zora

      Things can get pushed back for any number of reasons: the new year, holidays, someone being out sick, etc. Don’t read too much into it.

      You can definitely contact again, though. 3-4 weeks is plenty of time between check-ins. I would definitely contact them again and ask if they have any idea about the timeline for a final decision. Of course, at that point you might find out that they didn’t pick you and didn’t bother to let you know, which sucks ;o(. But don’t give up yet. Hiring often moves slower around the holidays/new year. Good Luck, hope it’s good news!!!

  8. SOOL

    Need advice or just to rant. This is long so I apologize….

    I work for a small IT company in the US, I have been with the company for 14 years, am a senior engineer working with our sales organization as an expert and consultant. I am here on a work sponsored VISA and I have been in our US organization since 2006.

    Almost 3 years ago the VP of services and support, let’s call him John, at my company had an affair with one of his direct reports. At that point in time we just had a change in CEO’s after our previous CEO died in a terrible accident so a lot of crazy was going on in the company over all. Despite John and underling being oh-so-secretive about things, many of us figured it out pretty quickly and the crazy increased dramatically from there. As John is a very influential person in our organization, a very scary person and at the time was managing about 60 people, most of us were a little nervous about retaliation or too dependent on his good-will to say anything. So, things went on for a few months with people getting more and more upset with the situation and as it became more and more obvious what was going on (John and work-gf going on business trips together, work-gf spending lots of time in John’s office, etc).

    John, of course, was married and I count John’s wife as a good friend here in the US. She and John are actually from the same country as I am and when I moved here they automatically would invite me for holidays and parties as they tended to be the natural “hosts”, having a big house and children. As the affair with work-gf progressed John decided to divorce wife and also decided to not tell her about the new woman. I spent this whole period absolutely devastated about the situation, not knowing what to do but after a while I just couldn’t play along and lie any more so after a long and sad dinner with soon-to-be-ex-wife, where she said over and over that there had to be another woman and that she just wanted to know what had happened, I told her to trust her gut because it was right. Of course there was a confrontation between John and the wife after that and John figured out that I was the one who had tipped the wife off. The day after that, John confronted me in my office and amongst many things asked me if I had tapped work-gf’s phone or computer. There were no outright threats but it was, needless to say, a very stressful time for me. Because of what I did, the whole affair was brought out into the open and the work-gf was removed from reporting to John. No one was terminated(!). Our CEO was not informed that it was me who outed John and his gf.

    Lots of people, including myself finally went forward and made informal and formal complaints on John, his behavior and his management style. Nothing happened.

    Fast forward a few months and work-gf dumps John and eventually gets promoted (!!) to VP level and takes over half of Johns reports.

    More people make formal and informal complaints on the promotion as well as John’s management methods. Nothing happens. Good thing is that former work-gf is actually really good at what she does and the people who were moved to her division thrive. Johns keeps on being a bully and runs his remaining employees with fear.

    Fast forward to last week, new reorganization. My whole department got moved and got a new VP. You guessed it – John!

    Questions: As I am from a cool northern European country where we are very averse to confrontation, I have a very hard time with figuring out what is an appropriate response. I don’t want to work for this man; I don’t want to report to him. He is mean, manipulative, and narcissistic and I am not comfortable with this solution. This applies to all the other people in my team as well, they don’t have the same back story as I have, though. I had a meeting with our CEO last night where I was told that I have no options for any other positions at this point in time and that he really wants me to try to make this work. I repeated my story above and said that I was very uncomfortable and asked for some time to think about things. CEO offered to get my green card application going so that I wouldn’t be dependent on my company for residency. I am sure he meant this as being helpful, but how is it OK that my management thinks that it is OK the “assist” me in getting a new job when I am not the source of the problems? In my head, John created the hostile work environment I have been living in over the last couple of years, isn’t it him who should be the one getting “assistance” to leave? Am I being stupid for making a sh*t storm out of this? Cause I have. Can anyone tell me what is normal?

    • TBK

      I’d suggest you look for a new job and consult an immigration lawyer. Is this fair? No, but for whatever reason, the company has been very clear that they’re sticking by John. I’m guessing you’re here on an H-1B. You’d obviously have to find another employer who’d be willing to bring you on with the H-1B, but I think it would be worth it to leave that environment. A green card is great, but it can take a couple of years to go through. Even an hour with an immigration lawyer could give you a sense of what your best options are to be able to stay in the country and get out of this situation (s/he would also have a good sense of how many employers in your field are interested in H-1B employees, and what the timeline currently is for processing an employer sponsored H-1B to permanent resident change of status).

    • Marilla

      You need to get yourself out of the situation. So yes, take any assistance from the CEO in getting your permanent residency application rolling and start feeling out opportunities in other places. It doesn’t sound like your work environment is getting less dramatic or like there are any consequences for this kind of stuff, so your best bet to protect yourself is to leave, not to try to heroically change it from within.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know what state you are in, but what has happened sounds like bad management style but doesn’t rise to the level of unlawfulness (again, depending on the state). Companies are allowed to be crappy employers; they are not allowed to engage in unlawful discrimination or harassment. But, that doesn’t seem to be happening here. The work environment that you are describing sounds bad, but not hostile based on a protected class (sex, race, religion, disability).

      There is a legal definition of a hostile work environment and it doesn’t sound like this place meets it. Again, without knowing more of your situation (do you have a contract? what are your states’ laws? etc.) its hard to answer, but my gut is that you don’t have any leverage to demand anything and they certainly don’t have to acquiesce to your requests to be moved into a new position. In fact, they could simply terminate you without a reason and without providing you with any assistance at all.

      • Anonymous

        Also, I’d like to answer your last question: personally, I think yes. I think you let your personal world and your work world collide. I don’t think it was your place to tell John’s wife about his affair and I am not surprised at all that John is “mean” to you. You obviously made a decision to tell her based on your friendship and what you are comfortable with, but John certainly doesn’t have to be nice to you going forward.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly I think you are totally overreacting. You went through a very difficult personal situation, but nothing in your post supports your assertion that someone should have been fired or that the former gf should not have been promoted. In fact it seems like she is good at what she does and did not get the promotion in any way related to the affair.

      If you do not want to work for this jerk, then yes you need to find a new job. Until then, stop taking on all this baggage as your own. You got stuck with a bad boss. It sucks, but it happens to a lot of people. If he starts taking stuff out on you, then you start documenting it. But nothing seems even close to a hostile work environment. Sounds like he got mad at you one time for telling his wife he was having an affair which in all that text, you didn’t seem to even know for sure. Did you catch them together? Either one confess to you? You interfered with a personal problem with your boss so yes he got mad. If thats all there has been let it go and do your job

      • Fiona

        John is the person should have been fired. Having a relationship with a direct report is verboten, and what about his horrible management? The CEO is making a big mistake by allowing this man to mis-manage the department.

        • Hel-lo

          This is right, but I’m not sure what OP can do about it besides get herself out of that situation.

    • hellskitchen

      You say that all the other people in your team feel the same way about John, but are any of them putting their necks on the line by sharing their feelings with the CEO? If not then the CEO is only hearing this from you and doesn’t see John as a problem but you – maybe incorrectly so and maybe he is biased by whatever John has told him. Fact remains that even though all your colleagues knew about the affair, no one spoke about it to management until you shared it with his wife. And again, I am guessing that you are the only one (or one of few) who’s vocal and speaking up to the CEO about John’s bad management style. It seems to me that you are taking on all the risk here… if everyone agrees that John is a bad manager, you need to tell other colleagues to speak up. Otherwise you should start looking for a new job.

      • EU

        You might want to talk to the immigration attorney regardless. If you’re not in the GC process already and still only on an H1B or L1, you are closing in on the end of your term. Hopefully they have started that process for you already; don’t forget, it can take quite a few years for GCs to come through.

  9. First World Problem

    Over the weekend, my spouse asked me to consider seeing a therapist to address my anxiety related to my body. He thinks I struggle with dismorphic order–I’m undecided. He observed that when I’m stressed, I tend to focus on my body and the various ways I feel it is inadequate–this is true. And occasionally, like this past weekend, that “focus” feels all consuming: I sometimes feel a sense of panic at the thought that I’ve gained weight or lose muscle tone. I know that this is “not normal” but I’m not convinced that it’s something a therapist could help me with. (I’m also not keen on “learning to accept my body as it is” because frankly I want it to be different.) I’ve never engaged in self harm and my eating and exercise habits are normal.

    • TBK

      What is the harm in going to the therapist? Seriously, I don’t get when people say “I don’t know what a therapist could do for me.” Well, if you don’t know, why not go and see? I’m sorry for being ranty. I have a close relative who has had depression/anxiety issues before, probably could benefit from seeing someone, and keeps on with the “well I don’t know how a therapist could change anything.” You say you know what you’re seeing in yourself isn’t normal. Just go with an open mind, and agree that you’ll go for at least X sessions to see what might change. What is the downside? A few lost hours? But what is the upside? Increased happiness and peace for you and your husband. Seems like taking the risk is a no-brainer.

      At the very least, go for your husband’s sake. I’ve been in his shoes (in a slightly different situation) and believe me, your pain is causing him pain. You might think this is just your thing, but it’s almost definitely also hurting him.

    • Anon

      What is the possible downside to seeing a therapist?

      Let’s say there’s nothing wrong at all and nothing they can help you with. You find that out in the first session or two, and the whole thing ends.

      The only possible reason I can see for you to not go is that you’re afraid to find out that you actually do have a problem.

    • Anon

      I saw a therapist once for somewhat similar issues — I was very obsessive about what I ate and how much I exercised, not to the point of anorexia, but I could see that it was borderline. I found the therapist extremely helpful as a reality check. She made me see that exercising every day was not good for my body and helped me to understand that eating ice cream once a week wasn’t the end of the world. I truly think she saved me from years of anxiety over the course of several months.

      Good luck!

    • new york associate

      If your spouse, who presumably loves and cherishes you, has asked you to see a therapist, I think that even if you don’t want to see a therapist yourself, you should take his request seriously and at least go to a few appointments to give the process a chance.

    • Senior Attorney

      I agree — what possible down side could there be in trying a few sessions? It sounds like you know you have a problem, but don’t think a therapist could help. Worst case scenario, you’re right. But you do need help, and it’s worth reaching out. If the first therapist, or the second, isn’t a good fit, keep looking. You deserve better than this.

    • zora

      I know how it feels to think ‘there’s nothing therapy can do anyway, this is just the way I am’ and I completely sympathize. And I know it can also feel kind of crappy to have other people telling you you should go to therapy, even if you know they are doing it from love, it still feels like they are telling you there is something wrong with you. :o( So, i’m really sorry you are dealing with this.

      I would ask yourself this differently though: Do you *like* how you feel when you are stressed and this “focus feels all consuming” and you “feel a sense of panic”?? Are you okay with feeling that way, or do you wish you could *not* feel like that?? That is the question to ask yourself. If the answer is: “No, I don’t want to have this feeling ever again, I want the feeling in my stomach to go away” then why not TRY seeing a therapist to see if there is a way to make that feeling go away and to not have panics about your body? As others said, you can at least try it and see, you don’t have to stay with it if it doesn’t feel like it’s helping.

      But, in my personal situation, it’s the *anxiety* telling me that I have to feel this panic and that I will always panic and there is nothing i can do about it, because I am just a failure at dealing with stress so I panic instead. And it was people on thissite who convinced me that I could ask for help in making the anxiety go away or at least get less horrible. I still haven’t conquered the issue completely, but I’ve talked to my doctor, and i’ve gotten some low-dose anti-anxiety meds. And now, I can get through a week without having a panic attack that makes me feel like everything is hopeless. And I am finally at the point where I can realize when the anxiety is lying to me, and I can finally believe that I don’t ALWAYS have to feel like this when stressful things happen. I still do sometimes, but I’m getting there.

      Either way, I hope you come up with a solution that feels good for you. And sending lots of Hugs and Rawrs!!!

    • Anon

      I echo the other posters sentiments here and also think it may be possible that what you view as “normal” eating or exercise habits are actually out of the normal range simply because you are the one assessing what is normal. A therapist may be able to help you evaluate realistically what is healthy and what is not in a way you may not currently be able to do because you have a set view of your own body blocking your ability to think objectively.

    • Susie

      I will disagree slightly with the majority here. If you know you may have a problem and don’t believe seeing a psychiatrist will help you and only go to appease your husband, then it probably won’t help you and be a waste of time and money and possibly lead you to resent your husband. I had similar problems and saw both a shrink and nutritionist but knew to say what [I thought] they wanted to hear so I didn’t really get anything out of it. It was only when I decided for myself I wanted to change that I was able to do so, and did it by working on myself and confiding in someone close to me that was not a trained professional.

      • Senior Attorney

        Certainly part of successful therapy is being open to the process. If you’re only going through the motions then yes, it’ll be a waste of time.

  10. First World Problem

    Over the weekend, my spouse asked me to consider seeing a therapist to address my anxiety related to my body. He thinks I struggle with dismorphic order–I’m undecided. He observed that when I’m stressed, I tend to focus on my body and the various ways I feel it is inadequate–this is true. And occasionally, like this past weekend, that “focus” feels all consuming: I sometimes feel a sense of panic at the thought that I’ve gained weight or lose muscle tone. I know that this is “not normal” but I’m not convinced that it’s something a therapist could help me with. (I’m also not keen on “learning to accept my body as it is” because frankly I want it to be different.) I’ve never engaged in self harm and my eating and exercise habits are normal. Has anyone seen a therapist to address issues like these? Was it helpful?

    • roses

      Channeling stressful feelings into insecurity about your body – to the point where you panic about it – is a terrible habit to have, and can easily manifest itself as a full-on eating disorder if your life gets more stressful. I strongly recommend seeing a therapist. Don’t think of it so much as therapy to help you feel better about your body, but rather a therapist who is helping you deal with stress in a more healthy and productive way.

    • mascot

      I think a therapist could help you. Your anxiety is admittedly causing stress to both you and your spouse. Exploring how to minimize its impact on your life would be a good thing, no?
      Also, remember that these things lie. Anxiety lies, eating disorders lie, self-esteem issues lie. It’s hard to see that when you are in the thick of it.

  11. AIMS

    You seem to have an undercurrent to your question that assumes that a therapist will not be helpful because a therapist will try to get you to accept your body as it is but you don’t want to do that because you want your body to be different. I can understand that logic because I often have a tendency to think in those terms myself. But a therapist can help you deal with your unhappiness and anxiety about your body in more productive ways. It’s not about “accepting” what you don’t want, just dealing with what makes you anxious/unhappy more productively. Also, and please don’t take this the wrong way, *IF* you are not seeing your body accurately (which does sometimes happen), a therapist can help you with that, too. I think if your spouse thinks it would benefit you, maybe you owe it to yourself and your relationship to give it a shot.

    • Monday

      I don’t want to make this overly complicated, but there’s also some theories in therapy about self-acceptance, or at least peaceful acknowledgement of the status quo, as actually being an important first step on the way to making changes. Unconditional positive regard for yourself, body and all, might actually facilitate healthy and lasting changes, rather than precluding them.

  12. First World Problem

    I appreciate the kind words everyone; I’ll consider more seriously getting a professional involved.

  13. EB

    Hoping y’all have some tips –

    I recently switched jobs from one that requires casual/semi-business casual clothes to one that fits that dress code part of the time, but also requires professional dress 3/5 of the time.

    Any tips for quickly professionalizing my existing wardrobe without repurchasing the entire thing?

    • Hel-lo

      Blazers instead of cardigans.

      Heels/dressy flats (like the ones featured) instead of more sneaker-like casual shoes.

      More formal jewelry – pearls, diamond knock-off stud earrings, etc.

      No jeans or chinos or khakis. Only dress slacks.
      Only nice scarfs, no more infinity scarves or scarves similar to what teenagers wear. No hoodies or logo tees or tank tops.

      Do your hair and makeup.

      • LF

        Very late to this discussion, but what is a “nice scarf” versus a “scarf that teenagers wear”?

  14. JuliaBee

    Bought an expensive handbag on sale on Bluefly – didnt realize it was final sale. I like it but dont love it. Other than just chalking it up to my poor attention to detail skills, I see two options: 1) call customer service and beg; or 2) throw it in the box with other (returnable) stuff I am sending back from same order and seeing if they give me a pass. I once unknowingly returned some things to Gap or Banana outside the time window and they took it back and sent a gently chiding email to me. While I completely realize this is my fault, it was +$900 and I’ll be pretty bummed to not love it. Advice?

  15. La Canadienne

    Just wanted to give a shout out to La Canadienne. I’ve had my new boots for about a month but today was the first day I wore them in serious snow (about a foot). Not only did they keep my feet completely dry and warm (while looking pretty stylish!), I was also able to easily shake off the snow and salt from them as soon as I came inside. Woo hoo! Plus, I bought them from 6pm = major discount.

    • BB

      Yay! I’ve had mine for about a month, too and love them (even if the calf is a bit tight on me)! I have the Passion boots in Espresso suede. Totally nice enough to wear to the office with tights and a pencil skirt, but also totally waterproof!

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