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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m always on the lookout for better versions of the basics that are already in my closet, and this cashmere shell from La Ligne looks like a winner.
It’s made from a cashmere/Lycra blend, so the fit is impeccable. I would wear this striped version with a pair of navy pants on a casual Friday in my bare-arms-friendly office.
For a more buttoned-up, but still summery look, I would pair the black version with black pants and my favorite white blazer.
The tank is $175 at La Ligne and comes in sizes XS-XL. It also comes in red and navy, and has a matching cardigan. You can find it in some colors at Neiman Marcus and Saks as well.
anon
How are you approaching things when you get covid now? I have a very mild case and I’m on day 5 of isolating at home and wearing a mask when I go out. Trying to prevent my husband and kids from getting it. But how long should I continue to: wear a mask at home? wear a mask in public? I’ve never had a fever, no strong symptoms other than body aches and fatigue the first two days. I’d say I feel about 85% to 90% well (I haven’t gotten this much rest since before my kids were born!). TIA!
Anon
5 days is long enough to isolate and wear a mask at home.
Anonymous
Check the CDC site, they have guidelines
Anon
It depends on how much you want to avoid spreading it to your family. When my husband and I had it (separately) we really wanted to prevent the rest of the family from getting it. Less because of the actual illness (we both had very mild cases) but more because getting Covid and having to isolate for a week or more would result in people missing stuff they really cared about. So we both isolated until 10 days or a negative test, whichever was sooner (it was 10 days for both of us), and continued wearing a mask until the test was negative, which took another few days for me. 5 days is definitely not enough to prevent spread of the virus; there’s lots of scientific and anecdotal evidence that even with very mild symptoms it’s common to spread it in the 5-10 day window if you aren’t yet testing negative. But you may decide that it’s not worth continued isolation because your family doesn’t really care if they get it.
Anonymous
You should wear a mask in public for at least 10 days or until you test negative, preferably the latter. If you want to protect your family you should isolate and mask at home until you test negative. We’ve had COVID in the house twice and have prevented spread within the household by being strict about these precautions.
Anon
Same. I had COVID over the December holidays and we prevented it from spreading to anyone else in our house by having me follow a 10-day isolation. We all wore masks any time I was not by myself behind a closed door, and I also did not linger in common areas. Made for a horrible holiday but we found the humor in it and my family stayed healthy so they could all go on a long-anticipated January trip together.
Anon
We never bothered masking at home, always seemed a fools errand based on our home design. Today I’d stay home while I was sick and once better, I’d go back to life as usual. No masking, etc.
Anonymous
The problem with that is that feeling “once better” doesn’t equate to being non-contagious. Guidance is to mask for 5 days even after you feel better and are without fever because of this.
Anon
+1 I never really got sick at all with Covid, but I think it would be foolish to assume I was never contagious. People with mild illness are not normally contagious for more than 10 days, but before that it’s very possible you can infect people even if you feel great.
Anon
Cool. The question was what will I do. Execute me now.
Anonymous
OPs question had a second part about not wanting to spread illness. But cool. Your reading comprehension is as good as your decency to the young kids, elderly and medically vulnerable around you.
As someone with a relative (early on) and dear friend (more recently who has died after COVID infection, I find your hyperbole about execution adds a whole other level of awful person to you.
Care to keep going?
Anon
COVID forever if you’d like. It’s here, it will be here, it will not go away. If you need to take precautions, please do. But don’t expect the world to act like it’s 2020. It isn’t. And much of the “science” about prevention has been debunked.
Anon
I think nobody in 2024 talking about the debunked six feet rule or the droplet protection masks. Respirators are still appropriate PPE and surgical masks at least help as source control.
Anonymous
Big difference between being stuck in 2020 and knowingly going out in public without a mask during that period where you’re still likely contagious.
Anon
This is very timely b/c we just had a large party and I found out my MIL has covid the day after the party… I’m also 38 weeks pregnant… Why nowwww.
Anonymous
Uh, because it hasn’t really gone away, as much as people like to pretend it has? Which means if you don’t want it, precautions still make sense?
-Signed, the spouse of a medically-vulnerable person
Anon
My husband and I slept in separate rooms until the infected person got a negative test. It wasn’t a big deal as we have a spare room.
We ran an air filter kind of machine in the central hallway & masked in common areas.
Neither of us want to get it. I’m past thinking I’m going to die if I get it (mostly) but I don’t want to have it over and over. I just don’t want to be sick and I do worry about long COVID.
Last time I had it I isolated for 5 days (not a big deal as I WFH) and used a mask out and about until I tested negative.
Anokha
We did five days of my husband isolating in the guest room, followed by masking around the house until he had two consecutive negative tests (which happened day 6 and day 7). Mostly, I didn’t want to deal with everyone else in the family getting it and not being able to go to summer camp, etc.
Anonymous
when my DH and son got it last (may ’22 maybe?) we didn’t do much inside the house because my son would not wear a mask that much. we don’t go many places but i was still wearing a mask when i went out anyway, and avoiding my parents. we had a lot of covid tests so i was testing myself daily to see if i was positive. my husband’s and son’s tests finally turned negative, so we started the 10-day countdown for me. on DAY 10 i tested positive but only for a few days. completely asymptomatic.
but the amount of testing we had to do to determine that was… insane.
Anonymous
Everyone I know doesn’t even test anymore. Do what you would do if you had a cold.
Anon
A lot of people I know took this approach from day one. It’s still not what’s recommended.
anon
Weird skin question! I live in the very humid South. I also have a very oily face so I try to use very light moisturizers and sunscreens. Lately my eyelids (which are also very oily) have been super itchy and irritated and red. There are a few spots on each lid that seem to go through a cycle of getting better and then worse. I just spent sometime on vacation in a very dry area and the problem cleared up immediately. So I’m thinking I have to keep my eyelids very dry to prevent irritation from happening again. Is there a face wipe that can help with this? I’m already forgoing my beloved eyeshadows and highlighters but I’m thinking I need to do a mid day treatment to remove the oils. Anyone else deal with this?
anon
My daughter has something like this and her eye doctor recommended Pataday. Not sure if this would help you, but might it be worth going to the ophthalmologist to get checked out? When my daughter went they knew instantly what the issue was. We also live in the humid south (Houston) and were told it is an extremely common issue here.
Anon
I got a little patch on one eyelid like that from accidentally getting my face retinol on my eyelids. Maybe consider that? It went away with meaningful moisturizer (and being more careful about the retinol).
nuqotw
Are you allergic to pollen? Do you take a regular antihistamine? I wear basically no make up but get very itchy eyes/lids that clear up in a dry area (dry enough for fewer plants and less pollen) or with an antihistamine.
Anon
So I recently went to a dermatologist for the first time because of an itchy scalp and it turned out I had seborrheic dermatitis. It’s super common and effects lots of areas on the body including eyelids. For me it flares from stress, hypothetically if you had something similar, could kind of explain why this might go away for you when your on vacation. I thought it was a really trivial issue but my dermatologist was glad I came in early and the issue is under control now with some cheap topical cream. So it might not be a bad idea to schedule a visit with a dermatologist.
Nesprin
yep, it was seborrheic dermatitis and an antifungal was needed to clean it out. You may want to go to the derm.
anon
It could be blepharitis. I have a small baby shampoo bottle and when I wash my face 2x per day with my face wash (cetaphil), and I wash my lids/lashes quickly with baby shampoo. Pat dry. You can also use the ocusoft cleaning wipes, which are pricier.
Anon
Try a specific eye wash. It’s for the skin around your eyes. I had off and on problems like you describe and that’s what it took for mine to get better.
Make sure you take a break from anything you put around your eyes, like an eye cream, in case you might be developing an allergy to it.
Anonymous
If it’s eczema, I can’t say enough great things about this lotion specifically made for eyelids: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09ZPTC57H?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details
Anonymous
Some friends have said they got itchy, irritated eyelids from a metal allergy from wearing cheap earrings. Try wearing only real gold and see if it clears up.
anon
Does anyone have some good tips or resources on dealing with sibling rivalry among your kids? I have 3 each less than 2 years apart which I understand contributes to issues. The younger 2 are girls and go at it a lot. The older two blame everything on the youngest. I swear if the weather is bad they’ll find a way to make it her fault. The youngest is desperate to do whatever the older 2 do but she is less independent and needs help on things because she is 5. The girls had this act like teenagers around each other. Even something simple like camp pickup there is a race to give me hugs and the girls freak out if they’re not first. I am an only so had no idea sibling rivalry could be this intense.
Cb
I really find the What Fresh Hell podcast smart and sensible on this stuff. They had an episode on it – I’ve got an only so skipped it but it might be worth checking out.
anon
OP here.
Listening to the podcast now. Thank you!!
AIMS
How old are your kids? Mine do this kind of stuff but also just told me they are each other’s best friend. I think a lot of this is normal – I just redirect a lot.
That said, the book Siblings Without Rivalry gets recommended a lot for this kind of thing
anon
8, 6 and 5. Sometimes they play well together the older plus middle or middle plus younger. But they definitely don’t even say they’re best friends or even friends. The usually say something like I wish the youngest was never born.
Anon
Those statements would require consequences for me – something that bites. That’s bullying.
Anon
I agree on harder consequences for outright mean/bullying statements. The ages 8/6 are a good time to start because you want to drill it in now before the hormones set in that it’s ok to be angry/upset/have big feelings but that it is NOT ok to take those feelings out on other people.
I always try to foster the idea that we’re a family and we’re here to be a safe space for each other. Outright cruel/hurtful language is not something we tolerate without consequences – siblings to each other and siblings to mom and dad.
This is one of the reasons I HATE the show ‘Better Things’ – everyone in that family was so, so mean to each other! The mom shouldn’t have allowed it and then they outright bullied each other in later seasons, wtf?
Anon
lol, for real? That sounds completely normal.
Anon
That sounds normal to me too.
Anonymous
I would def impose consequences for that. We don’t devalue people as humans.
Anon
Normal, or normalized?
We prioritize a warm, loving household and bullying statements are not tolerated, period. There’s no reason for them to be, no benefit. Rivalry and bullying aren’t the same. The former is “it’s not fair that she ____” and the latter is “you’re the worst, I wish you were never born.”
go for it
let me preface this with I grew up in a large emotionally dysfunctional and physically violent house…..
My policy was “home is a safe place” and it was demonstrated. Hurtful statements were clipped immediately and the offending kid had to spell-out-the-infraction apologize and ask for forgiveness, right then, in the moment. If it involved hitting or pushing etc it was instant bed for the offending kid for the rest of the day, planned activities over, done.
The physical stuff was infrequent after the kids recognized we meant “over” when we said so.
In addition during a particularly difficult time they had to say one thing they were grateful for about each other at dinnertime.
Anon
+1. Home should be a safe place. Just one bullying sibling can threaten that. I’ve noticed that sometimes the parents are afraid to discipline the strongest bully – perhaps they’re afraid of getting punished by his or her outbursts next. But it sends a horrible message to the rest of the family when it’s tolerated.
Anonymous
Usually the bully sibling is also the golden child.
Anon
Thank you for this approach. I was bullied by my closest in age female cousin until we were both teens. Her family (and mine) saw this as normal sister/cousin stuff (she and her sister were also physically violent with each other but never with me since I was at least 4 inches taller and heavier – guess what I got bullied about).
We have kids who are similar ages and she regularly wants to get together/vacation together and is all surprised pickachu face when I want nothing to do with her.
Nesprin
Eh… an immature younger sibling desperate to play with the elders, to the point that the eldest loses their temper is a bit of a different problem than the elders picking on the youngest. One would benefit from space, the other would benefit from consequences.
Anon
I wish you were my mom when I was growing up! My brother was allowed to treat me horribly with zero consequences.
Anonymous
I have 3 girls too, and they are 11, 8 and 6- so slightly more room between them but they are close in grade and have a lot of overlappting friends (eg. my 1st grader and 3rd grader are both friends with our 2nd grade neighbor). My 1st grader is old for her grade and my 3rd grader is young so they are actually only 16 months apart from a maturity standpoint.
A few things we have going on in our house:
– with 3 you always have rotating alliances/allegiances. We try and give the kids time with each sibling solo so they can enjoy aspects of their sibling. Putting all 3 of them together is never fun.
– we don’t let my oldest get away with trying to parent the younger ones
– we have some hard and fast rules that trigger automatic consequences. For my 11 year old, it’s physical contact of any kind (hitting, punching, throwing stuff in anger at someone). My 6 year old gets a little more leeway here because she’s still developing these skills. We talk a lot about how she is still having consequences (she doesn’t “get away with it”) but just like we did with her older siblings we are trying to help her learn these skills. She might lose screen time for a lesser amount of time (and also cares less about screen time than my oldest) or whatever.
– We rotate 1:1 parent “dates” with each kid. They are their own people and we set up fun stuff to do together. One kid likes to have super detailed craft projects with dad; one likes to go to sports games (local or professional), one likes musicals, they all like restaurants, visiting family, etc.
–
Anon
The only part that concerns me is the two oldest hanging up on the youngest and scapegoating her. I don’t mean to fearmonger, but that happened to my father with his two older brothers and it literally gave him PTSD (this was 1950s macho land, but still). That’s behavior I wouldn’t allow. My father’s parents always turned the other way (“boys will be boys”) or believed the older two on face. It was very damaging to my father.
adult siblings
I’m the oldest of 3, with ~2.5 years between my brother (middle) and ~5.5 years between me and my sister (youngest). I think it helped that we had a boy in between and we were further apart, but my brother and I had terrible rivalry.
A few things that helped: the solo parent dates mentioned above. Around the holidays, my dad took each us of out for dinner and an activity, starting when we were quite young. My mom also volunteered with each of us for a dedicated activity (beyond the usual driving us to our activities) so that we felt like she was involved and proud of us for whatever accomplishment.
We weren’t allowed to have physical violence, and they generally didn’t allow name-calling, blaming something on the other sibling, etc. They also generally talked a lot about how everyone likes different things, everyone has different skills, and everyone has room for improvement. They didn’t let us call another sibling’s activity or interest dumb or silly. This helped as we got older and participated in many of the same types of activities (we’re all into musical theater, but my brother played guitar, I’m more of a singer/actor, my sister is the best dancer… but since boys are less available, my brother got a lot more opportunities once we hit high school, and he loved to throw that in my face).
And finally, they didn’t make us be best friends. We had some family activities that rotated who planned once we were in elementary school. It could be a family outing in the neighborhood, where the kids would roller skate or ride a bike, and our parents would walk. Or rotating who cooked dinner once per week among the siblings. And we all had to participate, so there was much less ability for two siblings to gang up on the other one.
Nesprin
Space and grace. Let them be individuals who don’t have the opportunity to directly compete with each other, and make sure they have space disengage. Get them into different camps, get them into different sports, make sure they have their own friends and that each can play with friends without being expected to accommodate the youngest. Spend 1:1 time with each vs. 3:1 time where they compete (i.e. parent goes to run errand X, takes a single kid)
Anonymous
Check out the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Amazing book that distills down root causes and provides scripts for some common situations. I listened to it on audiobook and probably can use a refresher ;-)
The author also wrote How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, which is another great (classic) book.
anon
Going on almost 2 years of remote work and I still don’t feel like I’ve found my groove. I’m beginning to wonder if it is for me? I miss the people interaction part, though I don’t miss the stress of my old job. I find it really hard to set hard boundaries on my work day especially since the whole point of switching to a remote job was the flexibility. But I feel so scattered all the time. Pompodoro has helped, gym routine has helped. My remote job lacks any regular meetings and I’m really missing human contact. Every time I get on a call, I’m like an excited puppy. I am involved in my kids school and church outside of work. Anyone else have some similar struggles and strategies that worked for them?
Anecdata
Is a co-working space – or adding a few days with a few hours of work from coffee shop/the gym/the park and see if it helps? Sometimes I think I have 2 social buckets : one for the need to interact with people and one that’s filled just being /around/ people
Anonymous
I’m the same way, and I got a job that requires two days in office. Might be worth looking?
Anon
Fully remote jobs are terrible. I had one years before the pandemic and hated it, I’d never do it again. Flexibility is the key issue for me. I’d look for a job with a reasonable commute. It’s nice having somewhere to go and seeing people as long as it’s still flexible.
Sloan Sabbith
I had a fully remote job for six months. It also had no meetings. I was so isolated. I am now at a job that is 2 days a week in person and I love it.
Anonymous
When I did WFH for several years, I learned that I needed to replace the structure of leaving home and going to an office with structure that I generated myself. I’m not good at doing that; I do MUCH better with outside structure. I also didn’t have enough people contact — it was a job where I worked on my own on long-term deadlines and had no regular people interaction or meetings. I ended up wasting time and feeling sad all the time.
Now, I’m doing remote work now from a dedicated office space, and with lots of deadlines and team meetings. This works fine.
So my advice would be to change jobs to one that works better for you, or see if you can add people and structure to your current job.
cora
It definitely works much better for me now that I have a lot of meetings. And those meetings would be partially over zoom anyways since its a global company, so it doesn’t matter if I’m in an office or not.
anon
OP here. This! I have no real deadlines. I make my own. And my day feels like a blur. And yes I’m spending too much time with myself and feeling kinda down.
Anon
It’s possible fully remote isn’t for you. I personally LOVE it and have seen nothing but benefit, but if you’re questioning it, it seems worth trying to find something hybrid.
Anon
Remote work just wasn’t for me. I switched to a hybrid in office job and some people thought I was crazy to give up the WFH perk but I was going nuts never leaving the house despite my best efforts (went for walks, the gym etc). Now I go into the office 2-3 days a week and it’s the perfect balance. If that’s the case for you too I encourage you to explore other options.
Anon
I think WFH sucks and I would never do a fully remote job. You don’t have to like it just because other people do!
Anon
Looking for encouragement and positive experiences of overcoming this type of rough patch in a marriage. My husband and I are in a tough place, realizing that we have lost a lot of the connection and fun that we used to share and now operate like business partners and roommates. We have two young kids and that’s certainly a contributing factor, and he is a really wonderful human and great partner. I feel so stuck and confused! Trying to talk more and communicate about our concerns isn’t necessarily helping.
Cb
If things are otherwise solid, I’d focus on having fun together. I feel like when I feel disconnected, date nights feel forced but a shared activity can really help. Get a babysitter and go to a comedy show, go mindle with people at a party and come back together for a gossip, have a day date and go for a hike or to the beach.
Anon
This is great advice. I feel exactly that way about date nights right now!
Ses
+1 for schedule date night is still valuable. And for that matter, scheduled gardening.
Like, yeah I want spontaneity but I’d rather have scheduled fun than no fun. It’s the season of life.
Also doing low stakes things together helps us. When most of what you’re doimg together is “business of life” stuff, it can get a little intense because it matters if it’s done wrong. I like doing creative projects with my partner or going for a walk – low stress and hard to do wrong.
Anon
Yep. Date nights. It feels like one more to-do on a long list of to-dos when you have small kids, but you need time together to be a couple. And don’t talk about the kids!
anon
Have you tried Gottman? We did not address issues similar to what you described when they were occurring (honestly, you don’t know what you don’t know though and we were talking past each other). Things got worse to the brink of divorce which prompted marital counseling with a Gottman therapist who tuned us in to so many things we wish we had known earlier like metaemotion mismatch, dreams within conflict, and just getting to know each other. For example, we spent a lot of time with his family, but he never expressed how much disliked them. It was helpful to me for him to recount his childhood experiences to understand how hard things were and that while he thinks it is important to maintain a relationship with them and thought it was disrespectful to “talk bad” about them, when we are around them, it’s important to be on guard and take his side because of the past issues. It turned out that we were not communicating with each other even though we thought we were.
Anon
Following and commiseration.
anon
+1,000,000
Marriage with young kids is HARD
Anon
Plan some fun is where I’d start. I find a weekend away somewhere lovely cures a lot and provides good time to reconnect. In the day to day, incorporate more fun. Have cocktail hour after work in the middle of the week, get pizza and make your life easy, have a movie night, watch a show together.
nuqotw
Commiseration. This is so common. We too went through this when our kids were littler. It was so hard to find time and energy for fun. One thing that helped was reminding ourselves that they would grow up and “good enough for a few years” was an okay marriage standard to hold given the circumstances. It wasn’t easy but we hung in there. In a way, it gave us more confidence in our marriage – we made it through this rough patch, there will be rough patches in the future, we will make it through those too.
Anon
I found that “talking about it” often worsened the disconnect that my husband and I felt. This book shed some light on the fear/shame dynamic we were triggering by talking that was making things worse. I found the premise really helpful and eye opening. It’s written at the 6th grade reading level (for a wide audience) and also has some filler at the end (in my opinion). But it might be worth a read for you too! I took what made sense to me a left the rest.
Anon
What is the book??
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189
FE
We made it through the preschool age – it was rough, but we’re a lot better now. Things that helped us specifically – we both worked hard at learning how to argue and improve the issues the other was calling out; I improved my health and reclaimed my body, which lead us back to gardening and intimacy; we got farther in our careers and started making more money and used a lot of that money to outsource childcare so we each have our own lives and hobbies outside kids; being with our kids increasing becomes more fun as they get older; and finally, I think we came to an understanding on what our roles are within the household that we’re each happy with, and that took time and communication because the roles changed a lot over time. Obviously we still have fights and times when we’re annoyed with each other, but generally speaking, I think we made it through that tough season and came out stronger. You can too! As I look back on my comments, I realize that it’s mostly time passing with a bit of conscious action.
Anon
It gives me such a sense of dread and doom to hear people say “oh this is what it’s like with young kids.” What if you don’t even have kids?? I feel like my marriage is going through the same kind of rough patch, but we don’t have kids; we’re dealing with infertility. Are we just setting ourselves up for complete failure?
Anon
Oh gosh, infertility is such a major stress on a relationship. I think many relationships do not survive it because it can reveal fault lines, differences of values and approaches, takes the fun out of s*x, and complicates problem resolution because discussion can feel so fraught, all the while the woman is often experiencing the effects of fertility drugs. Kids are hard but there is joy there, too. Infertility is just hard.
Anon
Infertility is a hell of a rough patch to go through for anyone.
Peloton
I don’t know a single couple navigating infertility who didn’t struggle with their marriage (to varying degrees, obviously). You are beyond normal. I’m sorry—it’s hard.
Anon
Not OP but in the same stage and state and don’t dread it! Infertility was way harder on my marriage than little kids are. Kids are just little time and energy vacuums so it is hard on the romance. But they’re also wonderful, and my husband is the only one who can appreciate our kids as much I do.
Anon
It’s probably too late for you to see this but – hugs. Infertility is so awful and for us, things have been a bit better on the other side despite the demands of young kids. Looking back I was also so, so depressed during that time which did not help our relationship.
Anon
Is it worth trying to do a day at Disneyland on a trip to San Diego with an elementary age kid? I admit I’m kind of a Disney hater; the idea of paying hundreds of dollars a day to spend most of the day waiting in lines and only get on a couple rides just seems like such a sc@m to me. So I really don’t want to plan a whole vacation around Disney but I think I could manage one day there. I have a first grader who’s never done any Disney stuff, but she’s starting to become more aware of friends going and has expressed interest. We’re going to San Diego for five days in October, and I’m wondering if it’s worth trying to do one day at Disneyland on that trip. We had planned one day at Legoland, which we’ve visited before and she loved, but now she says she’d rather do Disney given the choice. I know Disney is quite a bit farther from San Diego though. We did look into Disney cruises but they’re exorbitantly expensive (5-10 times as much as comparable rooms and itineraries on other cruise lines) so I don’t think that’s happening.
Anon
Will you have a car? If so, I would do it. It’s only an hour and a half away from San Diego. I was around her age when we did Disneyland in California (my grandparents lived there and we would go out and visit them) and I loved it.
Anon
Yes, we were planning to have a car for the whole time in San Diego.
Anon
I’ve done both parks and Disneyland in California is MUCH easier to navigate and deal with. Make sure you get your tickets early and you’ll want to plan the 2-3 rides she cares about the most but it’s still fun to just see the parks/characters.
If she’s a big ‘rides’ kid Universal is much better for that, Disney is more about the characters/park design.
Anon
It will be worth it to your kid!
There are tons and tons of resources online on how to plan a Disney trip so you can maximize your time and avoid waiting in lines as much as possible.
AIMS
We did this in FL and drove a bit longer but was totally worth it. At this age it was plenty to make my kids feel like they had a “disney” experience without sacrificing an entire vacation. Also – I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it vs. other parks. Maybe my expectations were low but I was really touched by how thoughtful and kind the park was with handling all sorts of disabilities, it was really lovely. I understand why some people have such Disney loyalty now.
Anon
I usually prefer to vacation in the wilderness and I hate crowds, but I love Disney. Try not to write it off before trying it – there really is something special about that place. It’s worth it.
Anon
I’ve been (to Disney World), as an adult and definitely didn’t get the magic. But I know it’s different with kids.
Anon
Same and same. The annual vacation I look most forward to is in a cabin in the redwoods. But a day at Disney is a guaranteed smiley day for me. It really is the Happiest Place on Earth. I don’t know how they do it.
You really haven’t lived until you’ve walked the park behind a group of goth teenagers wearing mouse ears and trying to pretend they’re above it all.
Anon
I’m also not a Disney person, but I am a bit of a princess and I loved Disney as a kid, my tastes have since refined themselves. In your shoes, I would keep San Diego as my home base and book a room at the JW Marriott for the night you go to Disneyland. The traffic in Southern California is murder and unpredictable and I wouldn’t want to face a suddenly long drive after a tiring day. The JW Anaheim is right across the street and it’s as luxe as you get there but is shockingly reasonable most of the time (my in-laws live in Anaheim so I stay there often). There’s a great pool and hotel bar too that you don’t need reservations for, a rarity in the area. All to say, Disney is expensive already and I’d toss another $300-400 at the day to make it bearable for me.
Anon
In mod with a longer reply, but the short version, book a night at the JW in Anaheim and make life easy on yourself.
Anon
Thanks, yeah I was thinking it might make sense to stay there one night. We are Bonvoy people so I appreciate the hotel rec!
Anon
I believe it’s walking distance to the park, too, which makes their overnight parking rate a bargain.
Anon
The Fairfield is close and OK. A pretty standard Fairfield but the proximity is good. It’s the one basically across the street from the park entrance. The Courtyard is even better. Neither are fancy and both are very kid oriented.
You can get a takeout breakfast from Denny’s in the same area if you order by phone/online. It makes everything so much easier.
Anon
There’s a Panera right near the Fairfield that my family often uses for a bite to eat the day they arrive. Mimi’s Cafe is closer to the courtyard.
My husband and kids often go to Disneyland without me & use my Marriot points for a room so this is pretty routine for us. We are in the Bay Area.
Anonymous
Do it! Disneyland is so much nicer than Disney World. You can do the main park in a single day driving from San Diego.
SMC - San Diego
If you can spend one night, it makes it much easier because you can either get there when they open or stay late depending on what time zone you are coming form. Also, depending you where you are staying in San Diego, look into taking the train if you want to avoid the traffic (the train becomes part of the experience). The stop in Anaheim is really close to the park. At the San Diego end, parking is free at the Solana Beach station.
There are a million websites on how to navigate Disneyland to minimize your time in line and maximize the experience. I could write a novel but will just recommend that you do that research in advance. Disneyland is much, much easier to navigate than Disneyworld but still benefits from some planning.
The short answer is yes. It is worth it, particularly if you can avoid rush hour traffic and/or take the train.
Anonymous
Yes! It’s what you make of it. My kids have “been to disney” 4x in their lives but every time we go we go for one day as part of a bigger trip to FL. We do one park, ride some rides, eat some food, take pics. They only know what they did, not what they are missing. One year all we did was do a character meal at a restaurant outside the park gates. My kids all remember that as “a day in disney.” Same with a day in downtown disney. We did hollywood studios in a day and did everything but slinky dog. I asked my kids if they wanted to wait two hours and one said “LOL why would anyone do that. It’s a 3 minute rollercoaster! let’s go to legoland.”
Nesprin
If you’re spending the money to go to Disney, it probably makes sense to stay in Anaheim the night before so you can start early. Disney is about 2 hours drive from north county, and can be 3-4 from downtown depending on traffic. Especially with a younger kid, getting up early to drive for a couple of hours (including sitting in traffic on the 405), then do the whole Disney experience thing can be exhausting instead of fun and the number of kids having meltdowns in Disney parking lots is something else.
Anon
Thanks all! Looks like it would be about the same price to fly out of LAX one direction. Would it make sense to fly into San Diego, do 3 days there, then drive to Anaheim for 2 nights + 1 day at Disney, and then fly out of LA?
Anon
I’ve done that exact trip. Yes it makes sense, though San Diego is an easier airport than LAX (but LAX isn’t impossible, just big). Make sure your rental car price is about the same for returning to a different place.
If you need recommendations on Disneyland lodging respond to this thread.
Anon
I have a corporate code that normally makes one way rental cars affordable, but good point to double check. And yeah I’m pretty familiar with LAX from business travel there. It’s not a great airport but I can deal.
And yes would love lodging recs. We’re big Bonvoy people as mentioned above but if a Disney hotel is better, I’m open to it.
Anon
The Grand Californian is the very expensive tippy top of the best.
I’m fortunate that I have an annual conference centered there. There are all kinds of perks of staying there but it’s $$$$. One side of the hotel has a gate right into California Adventure, the other side empties into Downtown Disney. You can have a character breakfast at an on-site restaurant. The pools are great if you have time for them. You get a magic morning early entrance if you stay at a Disney property.
No downsides other than the money, which is so true of so many things!
Anon
Grand Californian. I’m in m-d.
Anonymous
There are only three Disney hotels. My understanding is that Pixar Pier is $$, Disneyland Hotel is $$$, and Grand Californian is $$$$.
Thr major perk is that your Disney hotel keycard gets you 30min of early park access in the morning (separate line that opens at 7:30). For my 4 and 8 YO last fall, this early access was TOTALLY worth it. We did day one at Disneyland, day two at California Adventure, day three at both parks with Park Hopper pass to re-ride our favorites.
My 8YO is a big Star Wars fan. He and my husband were able to ride the Rise of the Resistance (which is one of the few rides not reservable on Genie) twice before 9am bc of the early park access.
Food-wise, Star Wars land had AMAZING food. We had lunch at Docking Bay 7 both of our Disneyland days. Their dishes were more innovation / interesting than anything else I saw in DL.
Anon
Yes, that makes a lot of sense to me
Nesprin
Santa Ana Airport (SNA) >>> San Diego (SAN) or LAX.
It’s small, it’s efficient, it’s close to Disney and, most importantly, it is not LAX.
Anon
Agreed. I would fly into and out of Orange County airport if you can. It is so easy!
Anon
I love Disneyland and I’m not a rides person. It’s all about the genie, which you have to get, to reserve the rides you want. For an elementary school aged kid, it’s definitely worth a visit while it’s still magical to them.
Anonanonanon
It’s a pain, but investigate whatever the ride reservation system is (I’m more familiar with Walt Disney World). Fortunately/unfortunately, you can throw money at the problem of waiting in line. You can also do mobile food orders so it’s worth getting the app.
Anon
Right. That’s the Genie.
anon
We just went to Disneyland with my 6 and 9 year olds last week. We did the full day – 8am to 10:30pm! I was fully ready to hate all of it, the price, the crowds, the heat, the forced fun…but I ended up really enjoying it. Yes, it is insanely expensive, but on the other end, the experiences are really elaborate and intricately designed. I also loved how everyone was there to have a good time. There was a refreshing absence of sarcasm that was pleasing for a day (i also didnt look at the news all day, that helped!). I was really intimidated by the Genie+ booking system, but it was easy to use and let us know the wait times at each ride. It wasn’t a chill day- you have to keep checking the app to figure out what to do next, but we never waited more 30 minutes for any rides and I never felt like we were in an ocean of people. Im glad we did it and glad that its off of our list for several years.
Anon
Thanks!
Anon
We just went to Disneyland this year with elementary age kids. I was scared because I hate crowds, but it actually went well (although it was crowded).
Genie+ is a necessity, and I just consider it as part of the price of admission. With Genie+, we really didn’t wait in many lines. We got there early and went to Fantasyland immediately when the park opened to ride those rides since they don’t have Genie+. We walked onto all of them (although we skipped Peter Pan because that one always has a long wait). We then used Genie+ to get on the other rides throughout the day. I don’t think we waited more than 15 minutes with Genie+.
Besides the rides, an unexpected win was Tom Sawyer Island in the middle of the day. It got us away from the crowds and my kids loved exploring all of the caves and having some imaginative free play.
We did more than one day at the park, but in retrospect, I think it is possible to get most everything done at Disneyland in a day.
I also recommend staying near the park to avoid Southern California traffic to San Diego. We stayed at Park Vue Inn, which was surprisingly affordable for being across the street from the park entrance and had free parking.
I liked Disneyland much more than LegoLand. So, if you liked LegoLand, you may really enjoy Disneyland.
Anon
My kid loved Legoland, not me :). It was fine, but the best thing about it (no lines, we rode everything and basically never waited more than 10 mins for a ride) aren’t true at Disney, or so I hear. The food was terrible though. I assume Disney food will be better.
Anon
I’ve been to both multiple times & my opinion is that Lego is boring if you’re over 4 years old.
Anonymous
Yes! +1 to Tom Sawyer Island. It was such a nice surprise and break. My kids also loved running around and exploring.
Phoebe
Looking for a good bag for conferences that’s small, as folks generally recommend here, but large enough to fit some medical equipment I need to carry that’s 7.5in/6in/3in in size. That’s the largest thing I need to carry, so it’s basically what I’m orienting everything else around. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Anon
Maybe this mini tote?
https://cuyana.com/products/mini-easy-zipper-tote
anon
A Longchamp? I used one when I had to tote a breast pump and what’s nice is it zips and easy to clean.
Runcible Spoon
Look at the Tumi Voyageur line.
Anon
I have someone from Stanley Steemer coming to clean my white couch. It’s a $140 job. Do I tip this guy?
AIMS
Yes unless you think he does a bad job.
landlocked
My new husband’s extended family loves going on cruises together. I have been on 3 with them so far and they’re not my cup of tea. I’m trying to find a land-based vacation option that has what they like about cruising but also is a bit higher quality, where we’re not crammed onto a cheesy boat. Is this something that exists?
– relaxing atmosphere with swimming options
– younger crowd (age 20-25) want the presence of plenty of other people their age, and ability to play sports like basketball
– older crowd wants nightly “entertainment”: singers, musicals/shows, comedy acts. Doesn’t have to be top quality
– the men really want a casino on-site or not too far away
– 80-something grandparents don’t want to have to walk long distances to go from their room to dinner to pool
– they all like organized activities like trivia and karaoke
– higher-quality food than on the cruises (fancy salads and fresh fruit and vegetables would be amazing)
– ideally not more than 5-6 hours of travel to get there from NYC airports
– ideally not super packed with small children (though I can deal if necessary)
Does what I’m looking for exist? Would love any suggestions for places if so. If the answer is to go on another cruise, just of a higher quality than Royal Caribbean, I’m ok to hear that as well.
Nora
Isn’t the answer to this a fancier all inclusive?
anon
I agree with this. There are tons of options in Mexico and DR. One of the large chain resorts but higher end would fit the bill.
I know this requires more flight time but what about a med cruise?
landlocked
Thanks. Any specific names you would recommend looking into? I’m searching on my end too, just wondering if there’s a specific brand/location you suggest checking out.
Anon
I’d look at the Dreams Resorts chain in Mexico. It’s probably not as cheap as a Royal cruise, but isn’t crazy expensive and I’ve heard the food is decent for the price (caveat I haven’t been there myself). I do think a resort will solve a lot of your problems, even if the food is still not great.
anon
We have done the Bahia Principe resorts and enjoyed them but they might not be as high end as what you might like. We got married at the one in the Mayan Riviera about a million years ago it feels like so it may be more nostalgia. They have locations in DR, Mexico, Jamaica. I think they’re a Spanish chain.
AIMS
I think you need a nicer all-inclusive in DR or Mexico or similar. That said, are you sure that they want something higher end or is this something you want? Some people just like cheap cruises for being cheap and accessible.
Anon
Yeah, it sounds like the family really wants a cruise.
Anon
Yeah, this is my parents. They LOVE cruises for all the reasons we don’t. They love the heavy cruise food, don’t care much about healthier options, are heavy drinkers, and love the trivia/musicals/comedy night shows. They are also very price conscious and don’t want to pay up for the things we care about (nicer spa, big gym, healthier food).
They’ve accepted that we’re not going to join them in loving cruises and they also have communicated that they have zero interest in kid-friendly vacations (kids up at 7am needing breakfast asap, the need to have dinner before 7pm, breaks for naps, visiting of zoo/science museum/aquarium trips). We vacation separately and honestly it’s better for everyone that way.
Anon
My mom just moved into assisted living and now it seems that this is a cruise without the boat. Boat might cost less actually.
Anon
We do family visits and don’t try to have that also need to count as a vacation. Vacation is different.
Anon
+ everything for 10:54
My first boss told me that you have to do two things as an adult
1) visit family,
and 2) go on vacations
Don’t confuse the two. Visiting family is not a vacation.
Anon
Agee. They want things you get on a cruise. That’s why they like cruises.
landlocked
Grandparents are a little nervous about continuing to cruise because they are frail and worried about getting knocked down by speeding children at the buffets (there have been close calls).
But other than that, yes, it’s something I want, not something they want…they are happy with status quo (though have had some complaints about the quality, they are fundamentally okay with it). I have been authorized to investigate, though! :)
Anon
The answer is an all-inclusive, but – do you have to go on every trip with these people? Why don’t you and your husband go on a trip you’ll actually enjoy?
landlocked
We don’t have to go on every trip, but my husband doesn’t mind the cruises and loves spending time with his family, including his very elderly parents. I wouldn’t ask him not to go, even if I decided I didn’t want to, though I’d be a bit sad/lonely.
Anon
Could you plan something fun to do solo while he does this? I think that would be a very reasonable compromise if you don’t enjoy the cruises.
Anon
I think you suck it up and go on the cruise. Take a separate short vacation with just your husband to the kind of place you want to go.
Anon
There are many cruise lines that are considerably nicer than Royal Caribbean, although generally the fancier the cruise line, the older the median passenger age. Celebrity is a good option if you don’t have unlimited budget and want to see some younger folks. If you have $$$$ and don’t care about being surrounded by retirees, Seabourn, Regent Seven Seas and Viking are what you want. Viking has an age minimum (I think 12?) so there won’t be little kids. If you like smaller sailing ships, Windstar is absolutely wonderful and also doesn’t allow little kids. But those boats are tiny and may cause seasickness problems for those prone to it and they don’t have “entertainment” the way bigger ships do.
But yes the land based alternative to a cruise is a high end all-inclusive resort. Your money will go farther in Mexico than in Caribbean islands. Those are more expensive than cruises though. Expect to pay at least $500/night/room for any decent place; it will be more in peak season (January-April).
landlocked
Thanks. Will look into Celebrity.
Yeah, the reason I made this post is when exploring the land-based all-inclusives, they seemed much more expensive and was wondering if I was missing something. I guess not.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t think you’re missing anything. You get what you pay for. If they’re open to paying more for Celebrity, I think you’ll find it a significant upgrade from Royal without costing a fortune.
I’d also look at the size of the ship. The “big” cruise ships these days range from about 2,000 people to nearly 8,000. That’s a very significant difference, and the smaller ones feel a lot less chaotic to me. I haven’t even been on the most massive ones, but we enjoyed our 2,000 person RC cruise a lot more than our 4,500 person one.
landlocked
Thanks, good tip on possibly a smaller boat as well.
Anon
I would try celebrity or princess cruises instead. Royal Caribbean is the cheap line and, depending on why you haven’t enjoyed the past cruises, I think you would like a mid-line cruise better.
I’ve never done an all inclusive because I like to explore cities when I’m traveling alone and they are too expensive for my parents. I suspect the high end cruises will also be too expensive for your group too
Anon
I find Princess and Royal pretty similar. Princess may be a smidge nicer, but it also has an older crowd, so I’m not sure that’s what OP wants.
BeenThatGuy
Aruba seems to check most of your boxes. Look at the Aruba Marriott Resort & Stellaris, the Hyatt Regency or Ritz-Carlton.
anon
This is my husband’s family. Short version is that cruises are really well adapted to his grandparents (now in their late 80s) accessibility issues and the different price points within the family. So, rather than feel pressure to go on every holiday, we go on one every few years. Learning to say no and not feeling obligated was what really turned my mindset around. I also just go with the mindset that going on the cruise is a gift to the grandparents, who want to hang out with everyone. Plus, you can pay more and make the cruise better…
anon
It seems like they love everything about cruises, so I’m not sure that trying to get an entire extended family to pivot away from something that works for such a diverse group will go over well. I would refocus on what could make a cruise work better for you, which isn’t super clear from your post. I see you want better dining options, but what else do you want? A quieter pool without the crowds? More spa experiences? A bigger room that you can relax in away from people? I would try to figure it out from that angle and then premium-ize your package accordingly.
Walnut
This definitely seems like a problem I’d throw money at. We cruise on MSC, not Royal, but my strategy is to make daily use of the thermal spa, book two massages, and buy the most expensive room with the best exclusive features I can afford. I’m usually over fine dining by about night two, so then switch over to specialty restaurants or make giant salads/great sandwiches from the buffet.
As the poster above said, grandparents in their 80s won’t be around forever. Bring along a deck of cards, find where they keep the board games on ship and soak in a little time with them.
Flats Only
This! If cruises are their thing, do you really want to push them all to try something different, and then be blamed and have to listen to whining when some aspect of the alternative doesn’t match their expectation. People tend to like cruises because they’re a predictable vacation product, are great for multi-generational groups, and can accommodate different price points on the same ship. If you can let us know what YOU want, we can probably give you advice on which cruise line to pivot to, or how to get closer to your preferred experience on their preferred line (on which they probably have some status so getting them to switch may be tough).
Anon
This! You’re not going to change his family. Focus on upgrading your own experience. There are lots of upgrades you can pay for on cruises:
-a bigger room
-a balcony
-specialty restaurants, or a higher tier of room that gives you access to nicer restaurants
It’s been a while since I’ve been on Royal, but I think they even have an adult only space (The Sanctuary?) that you can pay to access.
landlocked
Thanks, this is helpful. Honestly, I just find the cruises (at least at the Royal Caribbean level we’ve been paying for), super tacky and crowded with children, low quality food, basic rooms, tiny pools with no room to actually swim, etc. Didn’t want to put all that in original post as I don’t want to offend others since I know many people love cruises. I don’t know that I have specific needs besides more space and less lowest-common-denominator food/rooms.
Yes, agreed, I’m a little hesitant to ask the extended family to pivot also as I’m the only one who’s not on board (including my husband, but for my sake he’s happy to explore other options). But I don’t want the family to resent me so if we do something else so it either has to be a great replacement or…just deciding whether to go or not.
Anon
Royal Caribbean is a “massmarket” cruise line, which means it’s geared mainly toward the average American on a fairly limited budget. It’s not the worst option among the massmarket lines, but it’s not a luxury experience and doesn’t claim to be. You can definitely have a much, much nicer cruise experience, but the question is, do your in-laws want to spend that kind of money? There are cruise lines that cost at least 20 times what Royal does. And you’re not going to find cool, hip entertainment for young adults on the fancy cruise lines because most people who have $20k for a weeklong cruise are old.
Anon
In my experience it’s nearly impossible to convince people who dn’t care about the quality of the room/food to spend more. My inlaws are this way – they’d rather have unlimited C+ food vs. smaller portions of A+ food and a room is just a room. I’m not even talking fine dining/4-star resorts just Golden Corral vs. good local farm to table style meal and roadside motel vs. a Hilton/Mariott. If it’s important to us to have the nicer experience then either we pay for them, or we go on our own.
Anon
+1 my in-laws are the same, except in our case we can’t pay for them because they’d be very insulted. We just don’t travel with them.
landlocked
Thanks, you (and others on this sub-thread) are fully hitting the nail on the head, I fear. Most of them really are okay with the unlimited C+ food and don’t see a reason to switch…I was hoping I could find an option on land that would provide an equivalent or better experience to them without breaking the bank…but as someone else said, you get what you pay for.
Anon
Especially since it sounds like it’s not just his parents, but other extended family – younger sibs and cousins? My guess is, even if no one’s said it explicitly, some folks in a large group like that, need to keep the royal caribbean price point
Anon
You can solve most of this by paying for a nicer cruise line, but cruise pools just s*ck compared to resort pools. The fanciest cruise pool doesn’t begin to compare to the pool complex at even a budget resort. That’s just a fact of the cruise industry, they don’t have the space for nice pools. If the pool and personal space are priorities, I think you’ll be much happier at a resort.
Anon
I remember a seasoned traveler once told me they hate cruises because “they don’t want to share their vacation.” It’s unavoidable on any cruise that caters to multi-generational groups. The pool and deck are going to be crowded, you’re going to be jammed into a small room, and any activity is going to involve a lot of other passengers. It’s worth trying one all-inclusive resort to see if your family members enjoy having better amenities and more breathing room. But some people are Cruise People, and if they’re committed to these trips you may have to skip some.
Anon
This is true but there are ways to make it better, starting with upgrading to a bigger room (suites are plenty big, even for a family of 4), paying for private outdoor space so you don’t always have to be on the deck, and requesting to not share a table in the dining room. I’m not a Cruise Person by any means, but when I spend enough money I don’t usually feel like I’m on a group vacation with thousands of strangers.
Anonymous
I have never been able to fully articulate why I don’t like cruises, but “I don’t want to share my vacation” is it exactly. I don’t like all inclusives for the same reason, but they are at least more space than a cruise ship.
Walnut
Oh I love cruising and also dislike the things you’ve called out. The key is to upgrade your cruise cabin and plan to spend time where kids aren’t (usually the spa or adult only bars/areas). Royal has a bunch of different ships also, so you might need to go deep down a rabbit hole to find the best boat/itinerary and then book way in advance to secure the best rooms.
Flats Only
I am a veteran Royal Caribbean cruiser, and I agree with a lot of what you’ve said. Kid-nuisance-level depends on the time of year and the size/kid amenities on each ship. If your group doesn’t need to cater to the kids but wants to stay with RC, try the smaller ships (Freedom & Voyager class) and times when school is on vacation. Know that your group probably sticks with RC because they have status. Given our ages (GenX) and lack of kids DH and I should be booking much nicer cruises, but we’ve got status on RC and it keeps us coming back.
You would probably like Celebrity better. There will be fewer kids as they don’t market the water slides, etc. The food will be nicer. Ordinary rooms will still seem ordinary. Suites might be nicer. For the family, they’ll get a status match (but not earn new points) on Celebrity if they’re coming in with Royal Caribbean status.
Know that pools on cruise ships are always small – you’re never going to find one where you can swim laps or anything like that.
Anon
I’d go for a Caribbean mega resort. There are lots of options but I’ve personally liked beaches Turks & Caicos, the BahaMar (not all inclusive but the water park was a HUGE plus for our kids) and the Hyatt Cap Cana in the Dominican Republic – the club level option gets you nicer food/drink services.
Anonymous
If they don’t like cruises they won’t like these resorts either.
Anon
Nah, lots of people like resorts and not cruises.
Anon
It sounds like there aren’t kids in this family group, so I wouldn’t go to Beaches or any place that’s family-focused. Money seems to go a lot farther at adults only resorts, and they don’t want to be surrounded by little kids. We like Beaches and have been several times with our kids, but I would never go there if everyone in the group was 18+.
Anonymous
An all-inclusive is basically the same thing as a cruise but on land. If you don’t like cruises you will dislike all-inclusives for the same reasons.
There is no way to please everyone with the same vacation.
Anon
“If you don’t like cruises you will dislike all-inclusives for the same reasons.”
I disagree with this. Cruises and AI resorts have similarities, but enough differences that many people only like one and not the other. I much prefer all-inclusive resorts. I don’t like only having one day in each city, it’s not enough time to properly see a place. A high-end resort is not typically the same level of chaos and crowding as a cruise ship. Drinks are free at all-inclusive resorts. The pools are usually much nicer, and you have continuous access to a beach. The food is typically fresher and more tied to the local environment (cruises re-use the same menus regardless of where they’re sailing; we went on an Alaska cruise that served salmon that was from the North Atlantic – that wouldn’t happen at a nice resort). Other people prefer cruises for various reasons, including the cost and the ability to visit lots of places in a short amount of time. They have similarities but are not the same experience.
Anon
+1 to all your points. We’ve been to several high end mega resorts/all inclusives and even the most hectic one was still calmer than a cruise. The continuous access to a beach, multiple large pools, a lazy river and splash pads are also a huge bonus with kids. My husband is big into tennis, golf, and working out and it’s nearly impossible to do those on a ship vs. the very high quality golf courses/tennis courts at many resorts in FL and the Caribbean.
It’s also likely a personality thing – I’m not on vacation to meet/chat with strangers and felt a lot of pressure to join in/make friends with other groups on a cruise vs. on a resort where our family does our own thing.
Anon
There is no way in this lifetime I will go on a cruise as I have severe motion sickness. I am not personally drawn to an AI but would happily go for a family vacation as OP describes.
Anonymous
I think it depends on what you care about. My mom really loves swimming in the ocean, so she much prefers a beachfront resort where she can swim in the ocean whenever she wants. Pool swimming just isn’t an adequate substitute for her. She has been on cruises, but you really have to twist her arm to get her to go on one, and she LOVES beach resorts.
landlocked
I don’t think a land-based all-inclusive will be my favorite vacation, but I think I would like it a lot more than the cruises just based on not being trapped on a boat. If I can just sit on a beach or at a pool and have a small amount of personal space, I’d be content enough.
Anon
You’ll have much more personal space at a resort, even a budget one. We went to a terrible resort in Mexico (also with in-laws) and I hated *many* things about it, but personal space was not an issue. They’re definitely less crowded than cruises, because there’s so much more space for people to spread out.
Anon
Highly disagree, I hate cruises but like AIs.
Anon
Also disagree. My husband and I love the nicer all-inclusives but are really not fans of cruising. My BIL and SIL adore cruising and refuse to stay at all-inclusive resorts. Most people actually have a pretty strong preference for one or the other, in my experience.
Anonymous
Adults only all inclusive
anonn
Disney Cruise! lots of adults only spaces and activities, better food, less people, more staff, you could do the concierge level if you really want to take it up a notch for your own space. No casinos though…. I’ve heard great things about Princess cruises.
Anon
Disney is Royal for 10 times the price and with WAY more kids. I’ve done both, and the value is not there for Disney at all, unless you really care about the Disney characters, which I’m guessing OP and her in-laws don’t.
Sallyanne
Agreed. We took our then 5 yo on a Disney cruise and I couldn’t get over how many kids were on it! My husband just laughed at me.
Anonymous
As an anti-cruise person I was surprised by how clean the Disney ship was. Still way too crowded, but at least it didn’t have the massive ick factor I expected on a cruise ship. I would say the whole experience was around the same quality as a Sandals resort but cleaner and more crowded. Halfway decent, but not gourmet, food at the sit-down restaurants. The characters didn’t add value for us because the lines were ridiculously long. The kids’ club for elementary school kids looked pretty neat but the middle school area was sad and lame. The stage shows were entertaining.
I liked the Disney island but hated the other ports of call. The Disney island was the Disney-ified version of a beach. The other ports were h311ish tourist traps. I wouldn’t want to judge a country by a cruise ship port any more than I’d want to judge the United States by Times Square.
I would expect a ship with a casino to attract a rowdier, less pleasant demographic. If we ever cruise again I’ll pay the premium for Disney because I know it’s not awful.
Anon
I’ve done both and don’t think Disney is any cleaner or has better food than Royal Caribbean. They’re both clean enough and both have “ok” but not great food in my opinion. Our Disney ship was much rowdier than any Royal Caribbean ship I’ve been on, but that’s just due to the much larger number of kids on board.
The Caribbean ports are fine if you get away from the immediate port area, which is easy. For example the port area of Phillipsburg is super tacky, but St Martin on the whole is lovely, especially the French side. You just need to take taxis or book independent excursions to get away from the cruise crowds.
Anon
Omg, no. A Disney cruise is the exact opposite of what OP wants.
Sallyanne
We oddly became a cruise family but the key for us was staying in the nicer cabins. When we’ve done Norwegian we stay in their Haven (nicer room, private dining room, pool, ability to board/disembark earlier, etc). So all the options of the regular cruise were there for those who needed the buffet, casino, etc but we also had some perks of quieter areas.
Anonymous
Of course it’s a tacky yet expensive Caribbean resort like Atlantis.
Anon
It doesn’t sound like everyone going on this trip has the budget for Atlantis.
Anonymous
You are looking for an adults only all inclusive resort in a cruise port. It could be in the Caribbean, Italy or Spain, but you are looking for a place where cruise boats might drop by, where the focus is on adults but there is a younger nightlife a scooter away.
If you want to do a pitch to your family, the easiest would be to find an all-inclusive resort close to a place one of the previous cruises docked. Your pitch is that you LOVED this place, and wouldn’t it be awesome to try to stay there for a week, all of you, so that you can do this awesome extra thing together.
Anon
That’s a reasonable pitch, but you should be prepared for them to say they really like cruising and want to stick with it. The avid cruisers I know really prefer cruising to resorts.
Jane
Asking again as I asked very late yesterday and didn’t get much responses. Going to Cape Town for 3 days of meetings and was wondering if it’s worth going to Kruger in my 3 additional vacation days after, especially as a solo traveler on a budget. Everything I’ve seen so far seems at least 3k or over.
Gail the Goldfish
Caveat that I haven’t been to SA/Kruger, but have been on a safari in Tanzania–I think it would be worth it if you haven’t been on a safari, though you may need 4 days to account for travel from Cape Ton to Kruger to make it worth it (so 3 full days for safari). When pricing our safaris, I found US-based travel agents were much higher than in-country agents. I briefly looked into South Africa when planning and though it’s been several years, this was the company I was looking at and they were considerably cheaper than US agents (they are UK/South Africa based)–https://wild-wings-safaris.com/
Flats Only
If your hotel in Cape Town has a concierge (or even just a go-getter at the front desk), they also might be able to provide in-country recommendations for a safari operator.
joan wilder
Not sure if you will see this but given your timeframe, I would stay in Cape Town, explore wine country, go to Robbin Island, and not use the time for Kruger.
anon
Not a question, just an anecdote. After owning homes for 20 years, we find ourselves renting unexpectedly and it is surprisingly freeing. We still own a small vacation home, but it requires little maintenance but our primary residence is a rental. We had looked to buy in the neighborhood but just didn’t find anything we liked and the first thing we found before school started for the kids was a house for rent that we did like. It’s been very freeing to not worry about roofs, and hvacs and storm damage to this and that.
Anon
We became “millionaire renters” this year (401ks, an investment account) and have no regrets. We live in the Bay Area where it would cost minimum $1.2 million for a dilapidated ranch with a crap neighborhood and yard. It’s not worth it and it’s nice to save the money we’d have to put into upgrades and repairs. I also don’t see how we could even get insurance right now with the market turmoil.
Anon
My parents are older (70s) but they recently sold my childhood home and moved to my current city and decided to just rent instead to buy, even though they have plenty of money. They loooove the freedom of renting.
Anon
I just sold my house as part of getting divorced and went back to an apartment and I also looooove renting. I have SO MUCH free time now that I don’t have to do any house chores/maintenance, and I love being able to put a work request in and have the nice man that works for the building come and fix whatever in two minutes that would have taken me hours to DIY. I don’t know that I’ll rent forever, but it’s very freeing at this moment in my life.
Anonymous
I own an apartment–NYC coop, so I don’t even technically own or have to worry about things like the windows or HVAC system–and while there is a lot I love about being able to make upgrades and having an investment that is appreciating in value, I do kind of miss having no attachment to things like the crumbling, disgusting grout in my old rent-stabilized rental. I certainly never had to worry about whether the grout was getting stained; that ship had sailed!
Anon
Can anyone recommend an actually thick/tall keyboard wrist rest? I need one that is at least 1.75 inches thick. Looking at A-zon and none of them really say how tall they are. Wondered if anyone has one in-real-life to recommend. These are the type that go horizontally along the keyboard tray. Also looking for an amazing wrist rest for the mouse. Thanks!
Anon
*OP just adding that I am currently stacking 2 wrist rests on top of each other!
Anon
This is low-tech, but can you slice a pool noodle in half the long way and use that? Or maybe one of those plumbing pipe insulation noodles?
Persistent H P V over 40
Ugh. I just got my annual pap and I am positive for strain 16. I was first diagnosed in early 2019. I have had one new partner since then who was fully vaccinated. I am vaccinated too.
I am spiraling. I have been seeing the most amazing man. He is immune-compromised and not vaccinated, so I feel no choice but to break it off with him after reading about his increased risk. Luckily we haven’t gardened yet.
Does anybody have advice on how to accept that I will never be able to enjoy gardening or maybe find a partner again. Because apparently if you clear it, that is only temporary and it comes back as the immune system wanes. Should I just get a hysterectomy at this point, since it is all over?
Persistent H P V over 40
Btw I do not smoke, I rarely drink, I walk several miles a day and exercise 5x a week, I sleep great, and have maintained a healthy weight my entire adult life (125 pounds/5’4).
Anon
What does this have to do with HPV? I’m sorry this happened to you and I think that you need to take a step back and talk to your doctor about the actual risks and what to do going forward. A hysterectomy is not a treatment for HPV.
Anon
These things have little to nothing to do with chances of getting HPV. You could get HPV from your first and only partner even if you are the epitome of health in every way. HPV is wildly common and most men will never know they have it – no screening test and really no symptoms.
Persistent H P V over 40
Medical advice to clear HPV includes all of these lifestyle factors, according to my GP. That is why I mention it.
Anon
What?
Why would you break up with him before even talking to him about it?! Why can’t you use condoms to prevent passage of it to him if he is high risk? What does HE think? He’s the higher risk partner, he should get a say (assuming you otherwise want to continue dating him).
I have had various HPV infections over the course of my life and it’s been NBD for me or my partners. I haven’t had to use medication, they’ve all resolved on their own. I have had plenty of amazing partners and certainly never once considered a hysterectomy bc of having HPV on and off. That seems like a wild overreaction to me.
Persistent H P V over 40
There is no medication for strain 16. It causes cancer. From your comment about “using medication” you are obviously talking about strains associated with Not Cancer. That is completely different. I am happy for you that your HPV resolved. Mine hasn’t, and there aren’t any more lifestyle factors I can pull to help.
I do not know what he will think. He is visiting family for the holiday, so the talk has to wait. But even if he thinks NBD I am not willing to give cancer to another human.
Anon
I have had biopsies and a LEEP, and know full well what strain 16, so you need to check yourself.
You also cannot GIVE cancer to another human. But by all means, throw your life away here and be the miserable victim.
You asked for help in talking you off your ledge. You obviously aren’t open to that and want to be a martyr. So good luck with that.
anon
My brother’s best friend got married and had a child after contracting HIV. My best friend has HSV. She too met her husband, got married, and had kids after a diagnosis. You can decide that you have to break it off and get a hysterectomy (?) over this, but that’s a you thing.
Persistent H P V over 40
Did they marry immune-compromised people? People with specific frailties to their own condition?
Anon
You have got to stop spiraling and stop posting. You’re not hearing anything anyone is saying.
anon
HIV is fatal if untreated regardless of the situation of your partner, so I think if that dude could get over this hump, you can.
Anon
Even with the current antivirals (which are miraculous), HIV is much, much more serious than HPV. If you think this diagnosis is worse than HIV, you need mental health treatment more than anything else.
Anonymous
Stop spiraling. It *can* cause cancer, but even if you have a high-risk strain of HPV, the chances of the infection persisting and progressing to cancer are very small. It’s a discussion to have with your partner and for him to consider the risks, and he should probably get a vaccine if he can, but HPV is so, so, so common that if he is also over 40, chances are pretty good he has been exposed at some point in his life. Not a doctor, but I do a lot of reading of studies on HPV-related cancers for my job.
Anon
I wouldn’t catastrophize as you are at all. Talk to him. This is very common and many of not most people navigate something similar in their relationships. Life is not without risk and I’d choose a person I loved over a risk like you’re describing any day of the week.
Anon
What would a hysterectomy accomplish?
Persistent H P V over 40
It would prevent me from getting cervical cancer, at the cost of throwing me into full menopause.
I will stop posting now but I am so disappointed in most of these replies. “Oh it clears” does not apply to me since I am going on Year 6. “Oh the risk for him is low” does not apply to him given his medical history. “Oh just use condoms” doesn’t work per the research on skin contact transmission. “Oh he wouldn’t get cancer per se” is just semantics – he would contract the virus and have high odds of developing some of the absolute worst cancers out there.
Do women on this board really not care about their partner’s long-term health, the impact on his family in losing him early, etc. I guess not.
Anon
…. I don’t think anyone is suggesting you hide it from him. That would clearly be immoral. But your obligation ends with telling him. You don’t have to break up with him to protect his health. If he knows and wants to stay with you, it’s his choice. There are people who would choose to stay with someone with HIV, which is much worse!
Anon
I’m only addressing your last paragraph here. Yes of course I care about my partner’s health but my partner is a fully grown adult human who I trust to make decisions for his own health and body. I would provide him all the information I had available and we would have a discussion about this. I would not panic and spiral and make a decision that impacts him without speaking to him and allowing him to evaluate the risk himself.
Anon
This is bananas. Yes, people care about their partners health but they don’t break up because of potential risks. Like have you even heard the vow “in sickness and health” ‘cause that is what that means. No one same breaks up with someone over what you’re talking about.
Anon
Dude, you’re already writing this dude off as dead?? This is bananas. Talk to a therapist.
Anon
You are overreacting. It doesn’t mean your concerns are unfounded or that this is 100% safe; you are overreacting.
Talk to him. Let him decide what matters to him and what risks he is willing to accept.
Talk to your doctor. Why aren’t annual screenings and Pap smears enough?
Nesprin
What? You are entirely spiraling. HPV is a risk factor for cancer but there is a jump the size of the grand canyon between HPV exposure and needing a hysterectomy or leaving a good partner.
anon
Doctor here.
You need to see your doctor to discuss your fears. You don’t understand the risks correctly.
Your risk of developing cancer if you are HPV+ is still quite small.
Your boyfriend can get vaccinated.
Getting a hysterectomy is…. irrelevant.
Call your doctor’s office today and make an appointment to discuss it.
Persistent H P V over 40
He. Is. High. Risk. For. Worst. Outcomes.
The vaccine series takes 6 months. No modern man would be that patient.
Anon
Why do you feel the need to make decisions for him? If you believe he is so immature that he can’t make his own health decisions (regarding a condition he’s presumably lived with longer than you…), then perhaps you should break up.
Anon
You sound like a self sabotager and you’re using this diagnosis to do so. I don’t think anything anyone will say here will change your mind or open your eyes to your spiraling. anon’s advice to talk to your doctor to accurately understand the risks of your diagnosis is excellent, but again, you’re throwing a fit because it doesn’t fit the narrative you’ve apparently created for yourself. So, I guess just break up with him and live an unhappy life? It sounds like that’s what you want to hear?
Anon
This also sounds like self-sabotage for me. I also don’t say in an accusatory way, but it’s important to be mindful of losing your locus of control and sliding into a victim mentality. There are lots of steps you could choose to do right now: have a detailed conversation with your doctor; have an honest conversation with your partner; consider what you WANT to do (aggressive approaches vs. less aggressive), lean on close family and friends to deal with the shock. Not doing those things is a choice.
anon
Given that this poster thinks her situation is worse than having HIV, you’re not going to get through to her.
Anon
You are spiralling and need to talk to an actual doctor.
Anon
But why do you get to make that decision for him!? I agree with you that many guys are not going to be thrilled about waiting 6 months to garden, but there are guys who definitely would wait for you. There are other things you can do, it’s not like P in V is the only way for him to get off.
Anon
Girl, if you don’t like him and want to break up, do that but don’t pretend this is the reason.
Anon
If it involves avoiding cancer, it would.
You want to dump this great guy and not be the bad person or the commitmentphobe. Stop spiraling and just dump him.
Anonymous
Ignoring the rest of this madness, I have had several men wait that long for me for different reasons. Just saying.
Anon
Yes, my husband also waited that long for me.
Anon
I am just going to back up the people telling you that you’re spiraling. I’m a huge worrywart and wouldn’t be happy with this result either, but this is a well researched area. Follow the stepped up schedule of screenings and keep living your life. If you do end up with abnormal cells, they’ll do an intervention early and you’ve very very likely to survive it.
Tell your partner and let him make his own decision. But don’t tell him your hyped up version of things. He’s an adult and capable of doing his one research. Just the facts, ma’am.
Anon
Agreed. If I were the guy dating OP, I would be (much!) more put off by the fact that she think she can make my decisions for me than by the HPV.
He. Is. A. Grown. A$$. Man. You owe him full disclosure of your condition and anything your doctor advises you about the risks to partners; he can make his own decisions from there.
aonnf
Why did you post if you didn’t want to hear what anyone had to say?
Persistent H P V over 40
I wanted opinions on MY situation. Not the situation for most people, who will be just fine. Most people do not keep this thing for 6 years, most people are not immune-compromised, most people I guess would let him opt into a big risk. Nobody seems capable of appreciating the nuances here.
Anon
“let him opt into a big risk” you mean trust an adult to make medical decisions for themselves? Yes most adults would do that. It’s super condescending to decide you know better than your partner about what’s good for him.
Anon
Therapy for you.
Anon
I think you’re the one missing the main points, including those made by an actual doctor and on how reasonable people approach risk.
Anon
You got great advice and you’re digging in to find reasons it wasn’t great. Only you can make the decision to move forward with the hand you’ve been dealt. You seem terrified this guy won’t want to be with you and maybe that’s something worth exploring, but it’s beyond everyone here why you won’t even do him the courtesy of an adult conversation to find out what he thinks.
Anonymous
None of us are fully aware of the intricacies of your situation or can be without a medical degree and your full medical histories. There are a lot of levels of immune compromise and risk tolerance in the world! For example, my SIL has lupus and is immune compromised due to medication. She is a PA and respiratory therapist and works with Covid patients in her job constantly, eats in restaurants, travels, etc. I know from reading this board that some people who are similarly immuno-compromised would not be comfortable with these risks at all. It’s really hard to generalize.
I’m 47 and have tested positive for HPV once, years after I was married to a man who I assume to be faithful. My doctor said one of us could have had it for years and not had any symptoms or tested positive previously. I was not told what strain it was or that I could “clear” the virus; I assumed you have it for life. The vaccine didn’t exist when I was growing up. The only way this has impacted my life is that I make sure to get a pap smear every year. So maybe I am just getting terrible medical care (seems unlikely; I am in NYC and have access to pretty good doctors), or maybe there is something very different about your case that I am unaware of, but from my experience and perspective, which is all I can offer, like everyone else on this board, you are really spiraling. Did your doctor mention a prophylactic hysterectomy as even a possibility? If you had your cervix removed, would you need to have your ovaries removed too? If not you would not be thrown into menopause. You just seem to be jumping to a lot of conclusions.
Anon
Honestly the same goes for OP’s partner; does she really know what his doctor would advise him about this? Maybe she does and he told her, but then why not talk to him about it all like an adult?
I agree that the intricacies can really matter both in terms of safety, risk tolerance, but also actual medical situation; it’s hard to compare patients or look things up online the way OP did! Different lupus patients are on different medication regimens, respond differently to vaccination, have different comorbidities, have different histories with infections, etc.
Anon
Having a hysterectomy but keeping your ovaries still can put you into menopause 5 years earlier than normal, on average. They aren’t quite sure why, maybe something to do with blood supply.
Anon
Making a unilateral decision about what risk he should take on isn’t appropriate; I really think it’s playing the martyr to decide there’s only one path forward and it’s breaking up with him for his own good.
Anonymous
On second thought, you should break up with him, he deserves someone who trusts his ability to make medical decisions for himself. I mean, how would you feel if the roles were reversed? “No honey, this is up to me, I can’t let you decide if you want to have sex with me, it is too much responsibility for you.”
Anon
Ahhh, good point, OP! You should get a hysterectomy and join a convent.
Anon
What you seem determined to ignore is the many people who are trying to tell you (with varying degrees of kindness) that you are massively overreacting to an incredibly common diagnosis and operating with an incorrect understanding of what that diagnosis means. We can tell that because you are jumping to hysterectomy as a solution – which no doctor would recommend in this situation. (Among other things even if you needed surgery, it would be removal of your cervix – which is not generally done prophylactically.)
Putting aside your relationship issues, the opinion on YOUR situation is that you should schedule an appointment with a specialist to discuss your situation in depth and then follow their recommendations, particularly with respect to follow-up screenings. And in the meantime, realize you are spiraling and do what you can to control that.
towelie
girl only virgins don’t have HPV
Anonymous
virgins who have never had a cold sore
Anon
I think that’s HSV but I take your point.
Anonymous
Oh you are right! Virgins who have never had a wart.
Anon
Here’s some actual data https://www.prb.org/resources/human-papillomavirus-a-hidden-epidemic-in-the-united-states/
Anon
That article is excellent but is also over 20 years old and pre-dates the availability of the vaccine.
Anon
Yes I hope numbers are better now! WHO has set the goal of eradicating HPV related cervical cancer, and a new vaccine is showing promise. OP is out of line, but I’d still rather fight HPV than normalize it.
Anon
Why not let him decide? FWIW, I had HPV and no partner ever cared.
Anonymous
This is insane. Get help
For your anxiety you’re blowing your life up over nothing.
Anon
“Immunocompromised” covers a huge range of conditions and it really depends on the nature of his specific health issue(s). Only his doctors are in a position to tell him how big the risk is for him. HPV is not automatically a big concern just because you’re immunocompromised. Fwiw I’m immunocompromised and when I tested positive a few years ago my doctor was not at all concerned. My body appears to have cleared it, and my understanding is that the vaccine helps most people, even if it doesn’t work quite as well in immunocompromised folks.( I’m not an expert but I think it might be analogous to getting the flu after the flu vaccine. Yes, you still test positive, but it’s a few days of sniffles rather than 10 days in bed… big difference!)
Anon
There is no test for HPV in males. He could already be infected with multiple high risk strains
Anonymous
Just forget about it and live your life. It will probably never come up again.
Anonymous
Check out John’s Hopkins web site on HPV16
For 90 percent of women with HPV, the condition will clear up on its own within two years. Only a small number of women who have one of the HPV strains that cause cervical cancer will ever actually develop the disease.
Fun dishes for the 4th?
Is anyone cooking anything fun for the 4th? I’d be grateful for some ideas for any type of dish. Thanks!
Anonymous
I’m looking forward to fresh corn with TJs Everything But the Elote seasoning.
Anon
Ooh
Anon
My MIL and I are both vegetarians, so we grill marinated carrots instead of hot dogs! They’re delicious.
Here’s a recipe, but the spices and everything are very adaptable: https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/recipes/a56149/carrot-hot-dogs-recipe/
anon
Bahn mi hot dogs. Trying to do something traditional with a twist.
anon
That sounds wonderful!
Anon
Grilled Italian sausages on buns. Homemade potato salad and macaroni salad. Darjeeling iced tea (my favorite.). Lay’s potato chips. Cucumber salad. Yum.
Vicky Austin
Ooh, you reminded me I bought an extra box of chai to make iced chai with!
Anon
I’m making a pan of baklava
Vicky Austin
Homemade ice cream sandwiches (the Smitten Kitchen blondie chipwich recipe)!
Anonymous
I am planning on making these again, but in normal burger size: https://smittenkitchen.com/2023/05/smashed-chicken-meatball-sliders/
We had them last week and they were fully delicious. If I am feeling festive, I might also do a cheesecake or mini cheesecakes with red and blue berries on top to be vaguely patriotic. If I had more people to feed I would consider a flag cake.
Anon
Does anyone have a Texas based CPA referral? I have a small business and am in the market for someone new. Word of mouth referrals are always ideal but I don’t have a sphere to tap in Texas.
JM
If you’re still here, we used J Rosio Tax Services LLC, were referred by friends/neighbors.
Anon
Thank you!
Anon
I’m going to an attorney conference in Dallas (live on the West Coast). What level of formality and style do you think would be appropriate if I want to project gravitas?