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I've heard a number of women note that Larroudé shoes are stylish but comfortable — and the fact that they're best sellers at a number of stores backs that up.
These pretty mules look great — I love this caramel color, but there are so many fun ones to choose from.
The mules are $330 at Nordstrom; you can find the brand in general at Nordstrom, Bloomingdale's, and others.
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Anon
Potentially odd question. I am in my late twenties, and I find that I am still very susceptible to flattery from men and get a thrill from male attention that I wish I didn’t. I’d say the main negative ways this manifests is 1) caring a lot whether men find me desirable or attractive (even ones I have absolutely no interest in) and 2) being very vulnerable to getting swept away by womanizing, narcissistic types who love bomb me.
I’ve been in a very happy, loving relationship for 5+ years, but I’ve had a couple of obsessive crushes in that time that were the result of the above flattery and love bombing attention. I also find that I care a lot how my boyfriends’ friends perceive me in terms of attractiveness, and get a rush from comments of them praising my physical appearance. This rush is accompanied with overthinking and then comparisons, and keeps me in the loop of worrying about how I look and whether people think I’m good enough.
I really, really dislike this part of myself. I would say the thoughts are just thoughts, and don’t impact my behavior at all, but I really wish I didn’t care what men think about me and that I wasn’t so emotionally impacted by their opinions. I think it must be related to low self esteem, but maybe other things too. Does anyone have advice on working through whatever this is, or have any experience with it themselves?
Anon
I don’t really have any advice, but I wish I had been as self-aware about this as you are! I think that’s a fantastic first step.
Anon
Is it something you’ve struggled with too? I feel so embarrassed by it!
Anon
I think I just kind of outgrew it (I’m 36 now). It’s not something I ever consciously thought of, but I feel some embarrassment for my younger self thinking back on various things I did. Although I do try to outweigh that with compassion for both my younger and current self, which is something I have always struggled with. I second Peloton’s recommendation and reasoning for therapy!
Anon
I outgrew it too, in that once you hit mid fifties, all the attention dries up completely anyway.
Anonymous
While I do think it is worth evaluating how to lower the impact of male attention and flattery, please do not indulge your feelings of embarrassment/shame over this. We are biologically wired to feel this way.
Peloton
I know therapy is so common a recommendation as to be trite, but this sounds like a WONDERFUL topic to explore with some professional guidance—not because there’s anything wrong with you (there isn’t, truly), but because I hear shame and “I’m weird” in some of how you’re framing this, and those things can make it harder to find the more interesting insights that this could bring you. A good therapist will keep you out of the shame muck and help you explore both why you have this desire and why it makes you so uncomfortable, and I suspect the answers to both will be quite interesting.
Being curious about yourself can be incredibly rewarding. What a gift the self-awareness you’re displaying here is (in your 20s no less!), and I hope you enjoy the process of exploring yourself further.
Anon
Every word of this is so spot on.
cc
I really like this advice. There is nothing wrong with you but there is so much shame in how women are brought up and navigate through the world.
On a lighter note to make you smile, a quote that I’m pretty sure is fake but used to go viral attributed to Adriana Lima:
“It’s flattering knowing men desire me. But then I remember a man would also have sex with a McChicken. So I don’t let it get to my head,”
Anon
Heh. I’ve literally said to a man, “In a pinch, you would (garden) with a particularly comely sheep. Why should I be flattered?”
anon
Ehh, I think it’ll be hit or miss to find a therapist equipped to deal with this. I would steer OP towards an older female mentor or two in her life who could provide perspective. I really didn’t understand how much this changes as you age until I had more 40-something women in my life who showed me the duality of this kind of attention. A therapist won’t provide that same kind of window into others’ first-hand experiences.
Anon
Therapists are hit or miss in general, but an awful lot of therapists are 40-something year old women!
Peloton
I think saying that a therapist needs to be “equipped to deal with this” implies that it’s a thing that requires a specialist, and I don’t think it is. I think most therapists are more than “equipped to deal with” these sorts of self-exploration journeys.
That being said, I am all in favor of exploring these sorts of questions in friendships, too, and if OP has a safe, trusted older woman in her life who she feels comfortable being open about this with, by all means, take advantage of that relationship!
Anon
I was trying to think if I’d read any novels that explored this even!
Anon
I’ve struggled with this, too — I’ve never seen it put so articulately before, and I immediately recognized myself. And I’m really ashamed of it and frustrated about it, too, particularly because I’m actually a screaming feminist, really capable, professionally accomplished, etc. I’ve done a lot of therapeutic work on the why (YMMV, but for me that’s important) and I’m realizing it has to do with my relationship with my dad and my sisters. Recognizing it is vital, which you’ve already done.
So I’d recommend investigating this, maybe with a therapist. It’s been useful to me, especially to trace its origins. That’s how I can start to recognize what I’m actually craving in those instances, and think about where/how that might be addressed.
Anon
I’d be concerned about your susceptibility to abusers or criminals wooing you. Maybe there are boundaries you can set that you stick to no matter what your feelings tell you to do.
Anon
This is all pretty normal, really. Most women feel this way to some degree, perhaps more so if you’re conventionally attractive, but few say it out loud because it’s not socially popular to say so. I personally put it in the category of so what, it’s my private thoughts, I’m allowed to have them and it’s not hurting anything.
anon
Honestly, this is pretty normal if you have been genetically gifted in the looks realm. As you get older, and also have these self-realizations, it will …. get old. And also, you will get less attention. And/or it will get you into trouble. I’ve had to leave jobs due to undesired attention from work colleagues. When I was in my late 20s, I was bothered most by men in the 50s+. And eventually, no one notices you anymore, which honestly is a relief, although some women have a difficult time with that too.
anon
Well, first, I don’t think this is as abnormal as you think. I have experienced this, and tbh, it doesn’t happen nearly as much as it used to in my twenties. For me, I think it comes down to craving validation of some kind. In other words, it’s not really about the other person; it’s wanting to know that you’re valuable, desirable, or something else entirely.
Anonymous
This sounds normal for the 20s.
You’ll outgrow it. You’ll hit point where you won’t give a flying rats *** because you’ll have more interesting things going on.
Anonymous
Perfectly normal for your age. I was the same. Don’t worry. It’s not a defect just a stage of life.
Anon
Normal, and unpopular opinion, lean into it. If you’re pretty, take the privilege that comes with it and use it while you’ve got it.
Anon
The privilege of being swept away by manipulative womanizers? I get what you thought you were saying, but the OP is dealing with some negative affects of male attention. She’s not asking how she can bat her eyelashes to get into the C-suite.
Anon
She probably pretty and is focusing on the wrong things and is embarrassed instead of using what she’s got to manipulate her situation.
Anon
How would you go about using it as a power?
Been there - Older now
An epiphany that helped me blow past these feelings was the realization that compliments and flattery may have less to do with your appearance and more to do with the intentions of the person extending them. Sometimes people compliment your appearance because they want something from you, sometimes they will complement an aspect of your style to build rapport or establish commonality, some people pay compliments to bring joy to others and it has nothing to do with how they rank on an arbitrary attractiveness scale, etc. Realizing that one’s beauty, style, presence, and desirability are entirely independent of how many compliments are paid (and by whom) is very freeing. Life experience and personal accomplishments can help you get over the worrying of whether or not you are good enough (or at least not rate yourself solely on appearance), but seeking therapy or counseling from an objective professional can help you work past these feelings. Plus, seeking counsel can help you improve your self worth independently from the opinions of others.
Anon
I could have said something like this at your age, if I had enough perspective (which I didn’t). Here’s what I would say to that version of me if I could time-travel:
There’s a power in being a young woman, that you may not truly recognize until it’s gone. If you can label that rush as “power” instead of “yay, I’m good enough,” you will be far ahead of almost anyone your age, and it will help you learn to leverage power from other sources later in life. “Yay, I’m good enough” may feel nice, but it gives the power away to whoever happens to be reacting to your youth and attractiveness.
I was in my late thirties when I realized how being oriented around male approval kept me in competition with other women. Here’s to hoping you can do better than I did. We’re living in a crab bucket as it is. Blessings, younger sister!
Anon
Low-stakes question – what’s the best bottled Caesar dressing, ideally made with olive or avocado oil? I want a chicken Caesar wrap this long weekend and the last bottled Caesar I bought was nasty and tasted nothing like it.
Anon
I prefer Newman’s Own but I don’t know whether it has the ingredients you prefer.
If you have a blender – i have the As Seen on TV NutriBullet, which really is excellent – it’s fairly easy to make your own. There are recipes everywhere but I like the one in the NY times. I ignore all the stuff about carefully whisking the egg yolk while drizzling in the oil. I chuck it all in the blender and it emulsifies just fine.
Whiz:
1 egg yolk
1/2 a can of anchovy filets
a big pinch of salt
1 tbsp lemon juice
1/4 tsp dijon mustard
a mix of olive oil and avocado oil totaling about 1/3 cup
stir in by hand a couple tablespoons of finely grated parmesan
salt to taste. Add pepper to the prepared salad.
anon
If the raw egg yolk makes you hesitate, this eggless Caesar dressing recipe that you whiz together in a food processor works great:
https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/anne-burrell/eggless-caesar-salad-recipe-1922197
Anon
This is my Caesar recipe except I use good mayo instead of the egg yolk, and I also add Worcestershire sauce.
Anonymous
I tend to just like whatever packet the salad comes with, ha — the Taylor Farms one is decent. It’s usually just salad + dressing.
DC Inhouse Counsel
Gotham Greens Vegan Caesar Dressing. I get it at Whole Foods, in the refrigerated section next to the lettuce. I’ve found that even though I’m not vegan, I like bottled vegan caesar dressings better than non-vegan, because they tend to be less gloopy and more fresh tasting.
Anon
It’s pretty uncommon for bottled dressings to use olive oil because it solidifies in the fridge and is expensive (especially recently, with all the crop failures). Even the ones with olive oil in the name are usually only part olive and part canola or soybean. Avocado oil has gotten more popular recently and I’ve had a few avocado oil dressings I’ve liked from Primal Kitchen and Brianna’s, but not the Caesar dressings so not sure about those specifically,.
Anon
Ken’s caesar dressing is the best. Agree with the other commenter that you’ll rarely find non-vinaigrette dressing with olive or avocado oil
Walnut
If there’s a local restaurant that makes great Caesar dressing, give them a call and find out if they’ll sell you a cup of it.
New Here
I like Cardini’s and Simply Caeser.
Me
DH likes the vegan caeser dressing at Trader Joes even though he is not vegan. It’s refrigerated and usually near vegetables or pre-made soups; it isn’t on the shelves with canned goods.
Anon
I was given a gift card to Seraphine for maternity wear. It’s not a brand I’m familiar with and I’m not sure what pieces would be good. Any faves? I’m thinking maybe loungewear for after the baby is born since I wfh and won’t be traveling much.
Anon
They have a maternity hoodie that has a zip-in panel for postpartum babywearing. I got a lot of use out of mine.
Anokha
I wore the front knot dress through my pregnancy and got frequent compliments!
Anonymous
Same- I had it in dark blue, 3/4 length sleeves, and this is the one maternity dress I think of wistfully (was ready to burn everything else by the end). It was comfortable and flattering and I dressed it up and down for a wedding, work, and dinners out.
Anonymous
Same! Mine was pink/coral colored. Loved it.
Vicky Austin
Ooh ooh! I have a pair of their joggers and their athletic leggings and both are SO COMFY. I also have 3 maternity-to-nursing dresses that are great and have held up to serious wear. I also have their nursing shawl which I used for an office pashmina. Let me grab you a couple links.
Vicky Austin
https://www.seraphine.com/en-us/maternity-lounge-pants-twin-pack/
https://www.seraphine.com/en-us/active-support-soft-touch-black-maternity-leggings/
https://www.seraphine.com/en-us/two-tone-luxury-shawl-wrap/
They are also having a sale right now!
Anon
They were my go-to for maternity clothes! Loved their dresses and also had a great navy and white striped sweater with a frill collar that was one of my favorites.
Anon
Duchess Kate wore lots of Seraphine.
Anon
Thanks all!
Anonymous
Does anyone else have travel anxiety and any quick tips to deal with it? Can’t ask anyone IRL because in my social group just like this board, everyone travels all the time. I too like to go away because I find I really enjoy once I am somewhere else whether it is an actual vacation or a short trip to see family or road trip. I don’t really realize how much I need the mental break from the routine until I get it. Yet I get SO anxious in the days leading up, even for trips I want to go on. Usually the acid reflux kicks in, I feel exhausted etc. I imagine this has something to do with transitions, fearing things that may go wrong, and frankly not being fully in charge. I live alone which means I don’t really HAVE to do much, can eat or not eat if I want etc. and when you’re traveling with others or visiting family, it isn’t like that. You suddenly feel like you have to answer to others or make excuses if you need a break or some other food or whatever. I know people say stay in hotels, take your breaks, etc. but when visiting my immigrant parents that absolutely is a no go without starting world war three. And they’re my elderly parents, I WANT to see them.
Any quick tips for coping? Is this a – just do it – type of situation?
Anon
A good friend treated this with hypnosis, which sounds kind of woo, but she was pretty much cured in 2 sessions.
Anon
As someone with similar parents/family I’ve found it best to not ask for permission and present your choices as a done deal. It also goes over better if I can frame it as something that will benefit them or blame it on work. I personally deal better with anxiety around social situations if I know I have accomodations/solutions in place.
For example – I always rent a car and get a hotel room when I’m visiting my parent’s home town. I just tell them what great discounts I get through work (true) and that I will likely need to get some work done in the afternoons while I’m there (true) so I need the faster hotel wifi. I also need a quiet room, my own bathroom, snacks I like, and the ability to nap most afternoons but I keep that to myself. I also say thing like – oh, since I have a car I can handle driving at night, or run the errands for the party, get more ice, pick up cousin so and so, etc.
Nesprin
So my family is also somewhat exhausting- taking a break each day + making sure I can control what I eat is really important. It can help to include some structure- i.e. we’ll go do X together in the morning, then I will take a nap/take an outing in the afternoon and then meet back up for dinner.
I usually try to find a reason to take a 2 hour break in the early afternoon each day when traveling. I get my nails done one day, go see a local friend (even if I have to make one up) another, go to the store for something for dinner, go get coffee or a favorite local food on another day.
My family is also weird as hell about food- it usually takes 2 hours to pick a restaurant for dinner and what you order + eat is fair game for criticism. I usually bring snacks+ it helps if my afternoon outing involves a snack, since dealing with family while hungry is a nonstarter.
It’s also worth asking if they can come visit you instead of you going to them- having your own bed and sense of control can really change difficult dynamics.
Anon
I’d pick the lesser of two stressors. What’s worse? Your parents expressing anger, upset, sadness, at your decision to stay in a hotel for a few minutes and having to listen to it? Or not getting the sweet relief of going to a hotel at the end of a visit? If you’re getting acid reflux at the thought of the version you’re doing now, I’m going to guess that not getting a hotel and taking some control is worse for you. Look, I have a tough family too and I just take the attitude that I’m tough, too. They’re not going to like everything I do, but it’s not harmful and it keeps me sane. It took a while but eventually I’ve even gotten my parents to laugh about things like this and accept it as “well, you know Anon, that’s just how she is, she’s difficult!”
anon
DH has travel anxiety. I have found with him that travel and the confidence to deal with the unknown is like a muscle. You have to build it up and then use it regularly in order to keep it strong. So we practice by going on small easy trips frequently where there is some improvisation required but it’s not overwhelming and not totally out of his control. This means more car trips and staying in the same hotel or same chain over and over.
Anon
Do you get anxiety whenever you travel, or only when you see your parents/family? If it’s the former then keep a bag packed with your vacation wear and travel-sized toiletries to make packing easier. If it’s the latter, then you need to understand why visiting your family gives you anxiety. Did they emphasize perfection? Are they critical of you? Are the accommodations at their house physically uncomfortable (e.g. sofabed)? Identifying why you dread these visits will help you draw better boundaries.
Peloton
This sounds less like travel anxiety and more like destination and company anxiety, to be honest. Do you have this anxiety when you solo travel?
Anon
+1 to this, and I think you solve it by taking breaks from your parents and staying in a hotel, even if they complain.
As to broader travel anxiety, I’m a frequent traveler and not nervous about it, but I did used to really struggle with insomnia before early morning plane flights (adrenaline and fear of missing the flight kept me awake) and I got a prescription for hydroxyzine that has helped a lot. So that’s something to potentially look into if it’s really general travel anxiety.
Anonymous
I was tracking with you as if you were asking a question about travel, until I got to the final sentences and realized you’re really asking a question about being around your family.
So the first tip: separate general “travel anxiety” from “how hard it is to be around my parents again and not have the control, adulthood, and autonomy I’m used to,” or “how awkward I feel at having to be ‘on’ all the time when I”m traveling with a group of friends, and how much I long for time alone.”
For your parents, yes, it’s a “just do it” type of situation. Recognize that it will likely not feel good, and that doesn’t mean you don’t love them and want to see them. It’s hard to be a “child” again, especially with people (immigrant parents) who don’t fully understand the world you live in. It’s also hard that people you love don’t understand your world. And it’s painful to experience, again, dynamics that may have been hard for you as a child. Not to mention that it’s hard to see people we love becoming elderly and dealing with health issues and perhaps death.
Be kind to yourself leading up to the trip. Be kind to them while you’re there. Be kind to yourself when you come home. If it’s painful enough, you may want therapy to explore it.
Anonymous
First of all: you don’t HAVE to do things while travelling, either. But to get to that point you do need to plan to disappoint your parents and plan to accept that they will grumble.
Travel anxiety, though – do you really have travel anxiety in itself, or is it just about the family situation?
If you do have travel anxiety as well, do you fret a lot before leaving, can’t relax before you leave…? Try to plan your travel to leave home at the same time of day you would leave for work. This gives the travel day a bit of normality – no reason why you should oversleep, and no time to sit at home fretting, just get up, normal morning, leave for road trip or airport or train station.
Do all the packing days before if that helps. Keep duplicate deodorant, shampoo, toothbrush, ibuprofane, protein bar, tampons, condoms, extra knickers, umbrella, sleepwear …. whatever you could possibly need for a one day emergency, in your suitcase at all times. No need to ask did you remember since it’s always there.
When you’re at your parents’: plan to go on walks, or go to the cinema, or a museum, the library, pretend to do some work, meat real or imaginary friends, read audio books, go to the specialist immigrant grocery store to get your favorites to bring back home – all reasonable plans, even though they might not react reasonably. Is it possible to be very present and do something together – cooking, gardening, walking the dog? – when you get back from a solo outing? If they feel your full attention and that you appreciate being with them they might (or you know, they might not) not focus so much on the hours you were somewhere else.
cc
Help me shop? This is harder than I thought it would be. Guest for a beach wedding – relatively casual/ boho. I’d like a dress I can wear with a regular bra. I am very busty, so not a deep deep v either. I’m size 16 or 18 and self conscious about my stomach. Hoping for midi, maxi, or high low length. And hoping to find something I feel pretty in! Cheaper is great but ideally under 150. I’m very pale – I like deep blues and greens the best on me but open to any color really.
Anonymous
Does DKNY fit you? I like some of their summer dresses.
Anon
Check out kiyonna. Amazon has some but kiyonna’s website is better.
NYNY
Look at Universal Standard if you haven’t already. They tend to cut for busty figures, have some really pretty blues and greens, and everything is on sale right now (though some sizes may be sold out).
Moose
Yes! This would be so pretty, and in budget!
https://www.universalstandard.com/products/sunset-linen-flounce-dress-cenote
or even this:
https://www.universalstandard.com/products/louvre-bow-back-linen-dress-jardin
Anonymous
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/the-somerset-maxi-dress2?category=SEARCHRESULTS&color=092&searchparams=q=he%2520Somerset%2520Maxi%2520Dress&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
https://www.phase-eight.com/row/product/georgie-floral-tiered-maxi-dress-221501493.html
https://www.phase-eight.com/row/product/morven-wrap-maxi-dress-220891484.html
https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=429510012&vid=1&searchText=Pleated%20Tiered%20Maxi%20Dress#pdp-page-content
Anonymous
Check out Sugarlips. They carry straight and plus. I found a dress at Dillards and then discovered their site—I’ve had so many cute event looks since.
Anon
Thought this might be a fun thread – what habits have you picked up due to your job (or your parents/spouses jobs)? Mine are:
– Always park with cars facing out at home/if possible in parking lots (volunteer fire fighter parent)
– Always wear shoes you can walk at least a mile or so in. Working in NYC after 9/11 and that was drilled into us.
These are from my bosses in consulting:
– Always pack PJs I can be seen in public in (I’ve had to evacuate two hotels at night during business trips – fire in both cases. I still remember the boss who gave me this tip and was glad I listened as I was faced with my coworkers at 1am – at least I was in full pjs and a wrap!).
– Always carry on a change of clothing (including undies), your meds, and your toiletries even if you check a bag. This has saved me more times than I can count.
– Don’t check anything you can’t afford to lose. I’m still annoyed by the baggage person who stole my makeup bag thinking it was jewelry but at least it was my ‘travel’ makeup stash
– Always carry at least cab fare to/from the airport in cash/local currency, ideally in small bills. Even in 2024 card readers go down. In a pinch a nicer hotel can pay your cab and add it to your room fee – I found this out the hard way in Hong Kong!
– Always have snacks and water on you for flights, even for business class. It will come in handy at the oddest times. Flashing back to the time I once had a long day of meetings with a partner who forgot to eat breakfast and gratefully took the granola bar and peanut butter crackers I had stashed in my laptop bag!
Anon
Actuary here –
basically, a lot of things are quite a bit riskier than you think they are
any kind of spine surgery is a major, major decision – try literally everything else first
carry the highest liability insurance limits you can afford (not minimum limits on auto insurance)
drive the safest car you can afford, and don’t text while driving, and buckle that seatbelt, needless to say
no motorcycles in my family, ever
anon
Agree with all of this. Strongly.
And I’ll add – never own a trampoline or pool, and let neighbors/other children/your own children use it!! If you do, buy the biggest umbrella policy you can. At least 2 million+.
Anon
Okay you just helped me stop fantasizing about a pool. Thank you. I think.
anon
LOL, same. But man, I really do want one.
Anon
3:24, I’m 3:16 and SAME GIRL SAME!!
Anon
In addition to the risk, they can be REALLY expensive to maintain. I’ve never even fantasized about one between the risk and the cost.
Anon
Actuary again – absolutely no pools, never ever in a million years!
anon
My late FIL, who had been an insurance agent for 40 years, gave DH and I a long, impassioned speech about how we should never own a trampoline or a pool. DH took it very seriously, and all my childhood dreams of owning those things were instantly crushed, lol.
(Seriously, I do get it and don’t want to make light of pool and trampoline mishaps but it was quite an eye opener.)
Anonymous
Not to take away from this thread because I think it’s useful but why no trampolines? Pools I understand the obvious dangers. Are trampolines that bad? Seems like everyone and their brother has one and I’ve never heard of a mishap? What am I missing? Is it that people will just bounce off the side?
Cat
all it takes is one awkward landing for there to be really bad consequences!
Anon
Trampolines injuries are very common.
Anon
Injuries like broken necks. Not necessarily from falling off the trampoline. Just from falling in a bad position or hitting the side rails.
My kids’ pediatrician made us promise to never have one.
Anon
I was just thinking of getting a hot tub, but I hadn’t even thought about the liability. Hopefully having a lid helps??
Anon
We just got rid of our hot tub because it broke and the repairs were too expensive for something we only used a few times a year. IME and from talking to others, it’s a thing you think you’ll use all the time and is more trouble than it’s worth. I was never concerned about liability from it though.
Anon
Thanks for the review. Based on my “submerge myself in a hot bath and wish I were in a hot tub” habits, I could see myself using it pretty frequently (okay, even daily)? Though maybe it’s a bigger hassle than I realize!
Loofah
I have a friend with one of the inflatable hot tubs and it seems like they get a lot of use out of it. Another friend I know has a really nice built-in one and calls it the “most expensive Bluetooth speaker ever”
Anon
It sounds like maybe cheap is the way to go to give it a try! I’m trying to decide whether I should feel guilty from an environmental perspective since they never seem to last. I guess the frequent hot baths are probably not environmentally ideal either.
Anon
I have an old hippie neighbor who has made it her business to know where all the hot tubs in the neighborhood are and she sneaks into use them. In the nude. I’m serious. The last thing I want to do is come home and find naked Janet in my hot tub. She feels completely justified because she says it’s therapeutic for her and because the owners don’t use them every day like she would.
Anyway, everyone I’ve known who has one doesn’t use them after the novelty wears off, and it costs $100ish a month for the energy to heat it, and they have to hire pool maintenance to keep it clean and working. We vacation somewhere with a hot tub every year and I’m sick of my skin being so dry after about 4 days – it’s both the heat and the chlorine.
Anon
That’s a good point; I never get sick of the hot tub on vacations but am not sure I’ve stayed somewhere with one for more than four days either. Maybe a getaway is the right answer next time I am really wishing I had one!
Anon
Another one from the actuary.
I would never do a VBAC delivery and have talked friends out of trying. You only need to see a few of the medical malpractice cases to form a strong opinion on this.
Anon
My friend almost died having a VBAC, and I later found out it’s not that rare. (I’m also an actuary lol)
Anon
+1 to no pools and trampolines and also no trampoline parks!
Anon
Review published research for major medical decisions. Many doctors will advise you to do things that are outdated or were never supported by research.
Anonymous
+1 I do this too but doctors pretty much hate me for it, how dare I question their godliness.
Anon
I just stumbled across newly published (feb 2024) research about a drug I’m currently taking! It’s expensive and on-patent, and the research indicates that it’s no better than the older, cheaper alternative.
Anon
Also just double check everything when it’s your health! Some places are really good about this (checking that they have the right patient, the right medication, confirming at each stage, etc.), but in other contexts, you may need to check yourself. I just got a patient portal message letting me know that the doctor would be changing up my meds based on my lab results, but the lab results they summarized didn’t match my last set of labs. It’s just a mistake, but it’s important not to go into things saying “sure, whatever you say!” because the software is terrible, communication may be going through a NP to a PA to a MD and back, and mix ups happen. I’ve had “sounds alike” diagnoses added to my chart, and I’ve had prescriptions incorrectly filled. Check bills too; LabCorp used to have a “glitch” where they’d charge you at the time of a blood draw, and then also send a bill to your house, and if you paid both that was on you. Etc.
Anon
And always get a second opinion, especially before something major like a surgery!
I had not one, but two, situations in the last year in my immediate family where a doctor insisted surgery was necessary and the person almost scheduled it but ended up getting a second opinion and in the end the surgery was not necessary. Second opinions foreverrrrrr.
Anon
-Have backup copies of passports and credit cards. Multiple and in multiple places, if possible.
-Have a twenty in the car in case you get stuck and need some quick cash.
-Know where your money is going. Check your bank statement, credit card statement, tax forms, etc.
-Dress well for performances, including kids’ recitals. It’s about respect for the performers.
– Be a good audience. Don’t talk, use your phone, etc. That’s also about respect for the performers.
anon
As someone with a large appetite, I learned during OCI and my biglaw summer to eat before any meal-based social event so I am not very hungry at the event and can focus on socializing/networking, which is the purpose of the event. Now my kids know to expect the banana and almonds in the car on the way to the birthday party so they can focus on playing and not being worried about when the food will be served.
Anon
Oh boy. This one needed a TW for me. My mother raised to have a “meal before my meal” because my father always humiliated me when I asked for seconds at dinnertime. My mom would give me a meal before he got home. Then I still ate a full dinner. I suffered for 40 years with disordered eating because of this.
Anon
Huh, that sounds real shitty of your Dad but very kind of your Mom who was sending you the message it’s okay to eat. Im sorry about your Dad though.
Anon
Filling up on diet-safe almonds before a birthday party with pizza and cupcakes brings back diet culture for me in a different way.
Anon
Ok but just chew them really well.
anon
oh we all eat the pizza and cupcakes too! We’re just a family of big eaters (very tall and active and we need a lot of food) and want to be able to focus on the social parts of meal-based events without worrying about when the food will be served or if the portions will be big enough. I learned to do this after a biglaw callback where my stomach was growling loudly the whole time and realized that a banana before social events meant I could make the most of my time there, since networking/socializing is the point, not eating (which was hard for me to learn since I am a big eater!).
Anecdata
Yeah, I think I was lucky enough to grow up without much exposure to the worst of diet culture and I read it the way it sounds like it works for your family: if your body’s telling you it needs food, get it some food!
(and if you’re distracted or not enjoying what you want to be focused on – whether that’s a piñata or a work call – because you’re hungry, then your body’s telling you it needs food!)
Anon
Yeah, I’m also someone who does this and it’s definitely not a diet thing, it’s about not getting hangry waiting for people to get their act together and let us eat. I’m one of those people who always wants to eat hours earlier than everyone else and when a meal is finally served is ready to tear people’s faces off to get at the food. I’ve learned that’s it’s much more socially acceptable to just eat ahead of time!
Anon
Yeah, I was going to say… maybe this isn’t that poster’s intent, but the only kids I know who would be fed bananas and almonds before a party have parents who are SUPER diet conscious and want to minimize if not completely avoid the consumption of pizza and cake.
A kid’s birthday party and a professional event are quite different. Agree that at a professional networking event, you should definitely be talking to people and not stuffing your face. But it’s really ok for kids to be spending a lot of time around the food table at a party.
Anonymous
None of that is fun. It’s great to be prepared but all of this common sense that you’re weirdly smug about. I keep champagne and snacks around in case something wonderful happens. I have a cute seasonal outfits because I will most likely get invited somewhere awesome. That’s fun.
Anon
+1!!!
Anon
I’m not reading any smugness in OP’s comment but I sure see it in yours.
Peloton
It’s so funny how different our perspectives of fun can be, because I was really enjoying reading everyone’s responses to this thread until I got to yours.
anon
What? That’s a really weird take on a useful post.
Anon
I hear ya, there’s a lot of anxiety in some of the things up thread that I don’t share. I guess I think I’ve made it to 50 and never needed that emergency $20 so I’m not going to start now. I do carry maximum insurance, but I let fun guide most of my other decisions. Like if I wanted a trampoline, I’d get one and just carry insurance, I also keep champagne, something to serve as a basic nibble with it around so I can have guests over spur the moment. And my party closet is filled with just in case dresses for fun things too.
Anon
Honestly, I agree. Yes, pools and trampolines have the risk of high-consequence accidents, possibly even more than I would be comfortable with now. But they also provided literally YEARS of high-quality fun for me and everyone I knew growing up. Fun matters too. It should always be in the balance.
Anonymous
+1 also I have to spend my entire life in shoes that I could survive a terrorist attack in? and make sure I have crackers for cranky bosses? It might be practical advice but it’s the exact opposite of fun to think about that stuff. It read smug from the op because it was a list of things she did right in her own estimation, not lessons learned.
Anon
Yes, I always think how much different people enjoy things varies a ton and this gets missed in risk calculus conversations. Also how much different people struggle with different things (not everyone feels the same way about an injury vs. a illness, etc.).
Anon
Absolutely – for some things, like not wearing a seat belt while in a moving vehicle, there isn’t much of an “added fun” component of that choice. You’re still riding in the same car and now it’s more dangerous. But going skiing instead of sitting on the couch watching TV? You bet your *ss that’s more fun and worth the risk. And don’t forget the risks of inactivity and anxiety, too!
Anon
This is so personal though. I cannot see the appeal of alpine skiing at all (cross country is where it’s at in my view). I think only true adrenaline junkies enjoy all the risky things (skateboarding, motorcycling, climbing, horseback riding, etc.). I’m on the other end of the spectrum and can’t honestly think of any adrenaline junkie stuff that I have ever tried and enjoyed; I seem to just not get it, no more than I get why people like to bowl or watch football games. To each their own!
Anon
And that’s cool, everyone has their own taste, but far too many people who don’t ski and have no interest in learning will tell avid skiers it’s not worth the risk. That’s annoying and not fun.
Anon
My experience is that a lot of people who enjoy “fun” can almost seem to worry about other people missing out, or try to get other people to participate in the fun, or frame less fun people’s lives as kind of boring and sad (like the sitting at home watching TV example, as if other people just gave up or are missing out or taking the path of least resistance, or like arts and culture interests are generally passive or inactive or even hedonist or selfish). So I wonder if some people feel like they need a better excuse than just not having any desire to ski and fall back on risk? But if they don’t really want to ski, it’s also literally true that it’s not worth the risk to them… possibly not worth ANY risk to them, since they don’t want to anyway!
People shouldn’t be rude though and should not assume that people who ski haven’t thought of this or need to be pressured into subscribing to their own risk analysis! Sports are not like corded blinds or not wearing a seat belt.
Anon
I should add I’ve been thinking about risk tolerance and fun kind of a lot since I fostered a kitten who was rescued from the wild, and I truly loved the feeling of seeing him enjoy something that he previously wasn’t sure about. It felt like it helped me understand where people might have been coming from who got me to try various things, like they were hoping for that outcome? Because watching him get past obstacles and expand his comfort zone was 10/10. It almost made me wish I changed my mind about things more often!
Anon
That perspective may change if you become a parent. I certainly don’t want to die, or for my husband to die, and leave the kids without one or more parent. And I especially would not take easily avoidable risks with my own child’s life.
Anon
Do what you’re comfortable with, but don’t forget to include the risks of a quiet, safe life in your calculus. Playing it safe has harms too.
Anon
You don’t have to have a quiet life just because you won’t have a motorcycle or a trampoline. Come on.
Anon
I am honestly not sure what risks you mean. Like regret, if someone didn’t do something they actually wanted to do because they were just scared? I think there are a lot of opportunity costs no matter what kind of life someone pursues.
Anon
– Always look presentable when flying. Airline employees and fellow travelers are more polite to the person in a decent outfit than the person in sweatpants and an ancient t-shirt.
– Keep generic packing lists in your phone for different types of trips (city weekend, beach trip, wedding, etc). Make a copy of your list then adjust it before packing. Write down a physical morning-of to do list for tasks like adjusting the thermostat, packing your wallet and glasses, or anything you can’t do the night before.
– Own a portable charger.
– Organize your wallet, purse, and work bag so that you don’t have to dump the contents to grab something. Don’t be that person who has to empty all their cr-p onto the counter to find their keys.
– Know how to look comfortable in uncomfortable settings. This might mean feigning confidence at a big meeting or walking with purpose in an unfamiliar part of town.
Anon
Don’t set flammable or meltable items on the range top. Or on the toaster. And unplug the toaster when you are not using it.
If your house will be empty for an extended time, turn off the water main before you leave.
If you dishwasher sharp objects, load them point down or under other dishes.
Anonymous
The more presentable you look, the more seriously you’re taken. Wouldn’t say I explicitly got that from my job but it carried over. I was in biglaw at a time where you basically always wore suits or at least a suit jacket. Learned that going to a doctors appointment in said suit led to them taking you seriously and being much kinder. Nowadays I find it takes not much at all because people don’t wear much beyond athleisure. I’ve been in jeans, sweater, and nice shoes before and had someone commented I was dressed up.
Logistically – because I always ended up having last minute travel or last minute hearings and whatnot –
Always have one dry cleaned suit in reserve ready to go in case of last minute anything.
Keep a suitcase semi packed – i.e. leave toiletries or some shoes you don’t need daily or whatever in there, so when said last minute trip comes up you’re only adding clothes and going.
Have things like extra chargers, toiletries etc on hand even when you don’t have upcoming travel because once a trip gets thrown on you, you’re not going to want to worry about that stuff. I’ve extended this to my regular life too – no reason to be down to your last drop of toothpaste or shampoo.
Don’t let car gas tank get below a quarter – more of a life thing, less work related.
Renew licenses, passports, etc. well before you’re required and in a monthly fashion pay bills as soon as they come in so that deadlines don’t slip by because you got too busy at work.
Anon
I always keep one dark suit and/or dress clean and ready for either an interview or a funeral. I’ve had both situations come up unexpectedly and it’s a gift to know you don’t have to run to a mall/store in a panic during an already stressful situation.
Anon
This has also helped me.
Anon
My mom was a flight attendant. I pack a suitcase exactly the way she was taught to at flight attendant school in 1966. (No rolling; it’s layers in a specific order.) (And honestly, some of my grooming/appearance habits are a little 1966, too ha) And you can always ask for a late checkout at a hotel ;)
I was an Army officer and learned so much about professional writing in ROTC. Writing directly, cutting to the chase, bullet points. My senior partner drones on and ON and I have to restrain myself from completely rewriting him at least once a week.
I was a political staffer, and after catching myself on tv looking terribly washed out, an experienced woman I looked up immensely to told me that we mere mortals (aka, not actresses or models) need to wear brightly colored lipsticks after age 40 if we’re going to be on camera or film to avoid looking pale and sickly.
Anon
I always have a ‘berry’ or ‘my lips but better’ color of lipstick in my work bag that can be used as a blush in a pinch. Colorful silk scarves are also amazing for giving your face more life if you’ll be on camera/photographed.
Anon
You’re right about the scarves! Thinking about a woman I work with now who’s great at doing the bright scarf with bright glasses. She has glasses in teal and red and does a great job of pairing fun scarves. I’m not a scarf person (and I don’t wear glasses), but I admire the look on her.
Anon
What is the specific order of layering clothes??
Anon
I’m guessing it has to do with layering sets of clothes you wear as an outfit, so you can just peel each outfit off the top. That’s what I do, and I think it’s really efficient.
Seafinch
HA! My mom was a flight attendant, I am an Army Officer and was a political staffer. We have a long standing joke in our house that we quit activities where the volunteers don’t follow the Land Force Writing Manual and as a 46 year old (with lots of silver), I always need the bright liptstick and frequently wear the scarves!
Anon
Do not have a wild pregnancy or free birth. Seriously, don’t.
Anon
Thank you.
Anon
Huh? What even is that?
Anon
Where you purposefully eschew any and all prenatal care and give birth alone at home (or with a family member/friend present) but no doctor or midwife. It is actually delusional and many infants have died of preventable causes.
anon
Yes, a close work friend lost their baby giving birth at home. Did have a doula, but when a baby is asphyxiating, you have no time…. no resources…. at home.
Anon
A doula isn’t a medical provider, but sadly many women seem to not really get that. Most doulas are great but some, like in any profession, do harm and overstate their skills.
Anon
It’s really sad. I know people who have done this after the way they were treated at hospitals (and who got lucky at home). I always try to let people know that the local hospital at least has come a long, long way in how it treats birthing parents; they care about consent and communication and the fact that patients don’t want it all to be medicalized if that means it’s just an inconvenience that they’re people at all… times are changing, and it’s gotten better.
Tea/Coffee
Dad (airline worker): the EXACT RIGHT way to pack anything but esp groceries. Too long for a post but self bagging is required for me, basically)
Mom (teacher): different people learn/retain info from different methods. Think visual vs verbal vs experiential learner. Any time I have ever had to teach anyone anything, i try to work in as many types of learning as possible
Me (HS job in market research): a slurry of ice and water will chill drinks faster and keep them at the optimal temperature longer than ice alone. DH and i fight about this every summer as he still does not believe me!
Me (consulting): when working with construction contractors, shifting to their hours puts them a better mood and therefore more likely to listen to you. The jobsite foreman does not want to talk to me at 5pm on Friday. He wants to talk at 7am on Friday. I’m not saying completely change your life or personality, but think about how you are presenting to the other party.
Loofah
You are correct about the ice/water thing. I think if you add salt to the water it works even better, but don’t quote me on that.
Anonymous
Always double check which dignitaries are named first in speeches.
Always leave time in the schedule for food and bathroom breaks.
Don’t use a full carry-on suitcase on puddle jumper milk route flights.
Me
Keep your wallet and glasses in your house and not in your car. In the event of a fire, you need to grab them and take them with you.
If your dog sleeps in your bedroom, have a leash in the bedroom also. Again, in the event of a fire and you need to go out the bedroom window, Fido will be leashed.
Always plan for enough time before an appointment to find a parking space, walk through the parking lot to where you are going, use the bathroom, and whatever else you do. Don’t drive into the parking lot at the time your appointment starts.
anon
People leave their wallet in their car?!?!
Sunshine
I leave my purse in my car at home. Car is in our attached garage. I just take my phone and keys inside because I don’t need the other stuff when I’m home. I hadn’t considered the fire or emergency issue.
Anon
Thank you; I’m relocating the cat carrier under the bed today.
Anon
Do not be late for weddings and funerals. There is no such thing as fashionably late for these.
Anokha
Reposting from the morning thread:
Looking for a pair of sneakers that will look ok with work dresses. I’m eyeing the Adidas Gazelles, but they appear to be sold out everywhere… (I mostly wear MM LaFleur dresses)
Anon
I like Golden Goose, not popular with everyone but I think they’re more flattering. Rothy’s has a cute pair of white sneakers and you can get inserts on Amazon with the 1 inch lift inside like GGs, which makes them more viable for wearing with dresses.
Anon
PS, you can do the same thing with Chuck Taylors
Anon
My go-to look in the 90s: baby doll dresses with white Chucks.
Anon
Don’t forget the baby tee under the dress and the ripped tights for cooler weather.
Anon
It may be 90s but it’s still cute
Anonymous
Urgh night 2 of lousy sleep — what are your best tips for a nap? TIA!
Anon
I’m not great at napping. For me, it’s an eye mask and sticking with it when you think you’re not going to fall asleep. Let your mind wander and it will turn into a dream where you’re actually asleep.
number one tip from me is lose the bra.
Nora
Agree with the just close your eyes and rest and see where it takes you. It takes me a while to fall asleep at night but I sleep quickly if it’s a nap and I tired
I usually do a caffeine nap- drink some coffee or tea and then nap while you’re waiting for it to kick in
Anon
When I need to sleep but can’t I like to read – a real book, not on a screen. As soon as I find myself wandering or drifting, that’s the moment to put the book down, turn off the light and close my eyes. Not until the end of the chapter, not even the end of the page.
Vicky Austin
We don’t have to do a full-on secrets thread, but I figured something out and I just have to dish.
I have a Tumblr/fandom acquaintance of going on ten years who I lowkey look up to. She’s hinted that she works in the publishing world, and she’s also freaking hilarious and has a very distinctive online voice, if that makes sense? Like, even her silly little vent posts have an unmistakable tone and are very funny. She’s also dropped some random details about her life over the years, so I’ve assembled something of a picture of her in my mind.
Randomly, a viral tweet that I know I’ve seen before came across my feed again recently, and I realized…it’s her, and she’s a published author whose books I’ve read without knowing it was my Tumblr friend. The details all check out – the first name, the family, the general area where she lives. And I just…connected the dots? Based on the tweet? I’m sitting here with my mouth open.
Anon
Well who is it??
Vicky Austin
I don’t want to dox her, but I’ll give you a hint: same genre/vibe and first initial as Ruth Ware.
Anonymous
I self-h*rm weekly and find it more helpful and more therapeutic than medication, therapy, hobbies, or other substances. Just wish it wasn’t so frowned upon especially in my VHCOL where coca and molly are rife (and trendy!)
Anon
I think you’re lost.
pink nails
I wish I could give you a hug. coca and molly are self-h*rm too despite what your current vhcol peer group is making normal.
Anon
I would binge and purge for years as a way to deal with my anxiety. Drugs – prescription ones – made all the difference ;) Hugs and I hope you can find a way through.
secret thread
My MIL decided to stop speaking to my husband about two months ago and me about 8 weeks ago. I have confirmed with SIL/BIL/FIL that we are NTA in this situation. She’s done this before to me (silent treatment for 3-4 months), but this time it came after we had been pretty close friends (seeing each other very frequently, daily texting, doing things together) for a few years. the last month has been like mourning a friendship lost. I forgive/forget/move on pretty easily once things are resolved but my husband does not, and this time I’m really not inclined at all to encourage reconciliation (and it NEVER works for anyone to make the first move towards her – she just harshly shuts down even further if you do).
Senior Attorney said something in a thread in the last few weeks that the silent treatment from a parent is emotional abuse (forgive me SA if I’m misquoting you) and it REALLY struck a cord. It isn’t my job to fix this. It is what it is. I had to grow apart from my parents when I was in my early twenties (left their religion) and my in-laws felt like a safe place before now, so it’s hard 15 years later to realize that it’s really not healthy for them to be a safe place. My heart feels like it’s growing up and getting tougher and I will be stronger coming out, which makes me a little sad. I’m really really sad for DH who hasn’t had to have this point with his parents before, but now really feels like they’re not there for him. Like he had a not major procedure where he went under last month – MIL absolutely knew it was happening because it was a follow up from the one that happened 6 months ago. 6 months ago she was very very present (texting me, then a call afterward to him) in making sure it went okay, what the results were, etc. This last time, nothing at all. I was kind of surprised again, and then just sad.
BIL told me last week that she’s going to a doctor to talk about getting hormone therapy because she’s tired of hating everyone, so there’s that. I guess there’s a realization there that something is wrong.
It’s all a family secret for the most part since it feels way too messed up to even talk about. Idk why but I feel embarrassed about it. My bff knows and that’s it.
Senior Attorney
IT IS ABSOLUTELY EMOTIONAL ABUSE. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. And especially so sad for your DH. Big hugs to both of you.
anon
I invited my crush to 4th of July plans after we had a fun one-on-one hang a couple weeks ago. He just declined the invite, which logically o know is fine but I’m bummed about. I’ve grown so used to disappointment from men that I just want *one* of them to surprise me and be excited about hanging out with me :(
Anon
Just read a great recap of the Karen Read trial, as someone who became interested late in the game –
https://www.newyorker.com/news/daily-comment/the-irresolvable-tragedy-of-the-karen-read-case
Peloton
Any tips on surviving pregnancy from the bustier amongst us? I gain weight quickly and almost exclusively up top at the start of each pregnancy — went from an E to a K by 24 weeks last time and appear to be on the same trajectory now — and then the bump catches up and everything goes to heck. By the end of each pregnancy, my back is absolutely killing me. Any tips? I’d like to work out to help my muscles out third tri, but I don’t know where to start for this somewhat weird problem.
Anon
Buy a bigger bra so your rib cage doesn’t get constricted. I also tend to switch to nursing bras during the end of third trimester for maximum comfort lol. This time around I am seeing a PT (who specializes in pelvic floor therapy), I started seeing her for sciatica problems but she has also helped me immensely with back and rib pain. I highly suggest seeking help from a PT, I am much more comfortable this go around. I am 30 weeks am still lifting weights and walking to maintain muscle mass. I also try to practice good posture during the work day and find that it does make a big difference. Best of luck!
Toothy
So I’m a law student studying for the bar, have no dental insurance, and am on a very tight budget for a few months until I start my BigLaw job. Of course, now I’ve got some pain in what I assume is my wisdom tooth. Is it okay to go the student clinic of the (very reputable) dental school? I can afford a private dentist if it’s really important, but it could be a lot of money at a time when I don’t have a ton
Anon
At least go for an exam, even if you don’t have the work done by them.
Anokha
this is what I did. (Dental school for the exam).
Anon
I would 100% go to the dental students.
Anon
I went to the dental clinic at NYU when I was in law school and had a totally fine experience. It was just a standard cleaning though, not for tooth pain.
Anon
Why wouldn’t that be okay?
Anon
Yes, if they have openings for this issue, go to the dental school at least to get this checked out. It can take more time than a regular appt., but right now you have more time than money. They will do a good job because they are getting graded, and the instructor will check their work too.
nuqotw
+1. They will be supervised and graded. Ultimate responsibility is still in the hands of a fully fledged dentist (quite possibly a private dentist who does a little teaching at the dental school – my FIL and his dentist friend both did this). It will be fine. You do not want to take the bar in pain.
Jane
Any recs for Cape Town, SA? There for business 3 days and have added 3 more vacation days. Wondering if it is worth it to get out to Kruger.
Anon
Friends went on their honeymoon and said it was amazing. I can’t imagine being that close and NOT going.
Anon
I would for sure go on safari. I think you can get the gist of Cape Town during your time there for work and don’t need the additional time.
Anon
I’ll be the voice of dissent. I don’t think you can have a meaningful experience at Kruger if by 3 extra days you are including travel to and from Kruger.
Runcible Spoon
No, go to Robben Island, see the penguins, shop for local handicrafts, dine on local game, and, if you want an out of town excursion, go on a wine tour. Enjoy!