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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Lace-Hem Wool-Blend Twill Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Happy Tuesday! We've often said that lace is inappropriate for the office, but I do kind of like the little lace hem on this otherwise totally work-appropriate dress from Brooks Brothers. It's part of the Red Fleece collection, and it's a beautiful medium blue — not quite navy, and not super light, so you can hopefully not have to worry about getting a newspaper smudge or something like on it, like you do with very light blue dresses. It looks like a nice, flattering pop of color to add to your wardrobe, and it's fully lined with a hidden back zipper. The dress comes in sizes 0-14 and is $158. Lace-Hem Wool-Blend Twill Dress In a similar, though slightly brighter blue, is this dress from Talbots that comes in four size ranges and is on sale for $34.99. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

247 Comments

  1. I have summer fashion on the brain with some warm weather travel coming up, so here’s a somewhat specific yet also universal fashion question.

    Has anyone watched Instant Hotel on Netflix? It’s this Australian reality show where contestants who own Airbnbs travel the country visiting other contestants’ homes and rank them on home, location, value, and night’s sleep. It is addictive and delightful and I may or may not have binged the entire season in two days.

    Anyway, there is a hospitality expert on the show named Juliet Ashworth who is this incredibly put-together, effortlessly chic woman and I have decided I want to be her, or at least incorporate elements of her style. It is so rare to see a woman over 40 on TV who isn’t trying to look 20 but just looks amazing for her age.

    There is also a contestant on the show, Anita, who is mid-40s and so chic. I’d wear everything she wears. Lots of sundresses but not the type that are made for college students. I guess the difference is that the fabric is better cut and less flimsy, maybe?

    I can already tell that Juliet’s wardrobe is mostly designer and that’s not on my budget. Anita’s seems slightly more realistic, but who knows what Aussie sources she has.

    Anyway, whether or not you’ve seen the show, maybe you can help with my bigger question. Where do women in their 40s and up shop for beautiful and stylish summer clothing? And what makes a woman of that age look put together and fashionable without trying to be too young or looking older than her age?

      1. When I think effortless, I think misnomer, because those “effortlessly chic” women tend to put in a lot of time and expense getting to the point of grabbing anything (expertly tailored and made from gorgeous fabrics) from their closet, draping it on their (perfectly toned and groomed) bodies, and heading out their (best, high priced neighborhood) doors.

        2. Nah, I think my mom’s “effortlessly chic”, and her wardrobe largely comes from Sears and thrift stores. I mean, yes, a lot of what we pretend is effortless style is the product of a lot of time and money, but some people also just have a really good eye and sense of what is chic and stylish on themselves.

    4. No assistance with respect to clothes, but I totally watched all of the episodes over New Year’s weekend – I found that show fascinating (thank you Netflix!)

      1. So good, right!? I loved getting a glimpse at all the different Aussie regions and was struck by how the stereotypes of certain areas correlated so closely with similar regions in the US. The “country siblings” from Mildura seemed like they’d be stereotypically from some Great Plains state, Mark and Jannine were very salt-of-the-earth Midwestern Rust Belt types… And as for the places, Port Douglas seemed a little like Boca or Ft. Lauderdale, and Bondi Beach reminded me of Venice Beach.

    5. As an Aussie, this may be helpful. We have a handful of “high street” stores that generally stock good quality clothes, that are appropriate and lovely for women in their 30’s and 40’s. I’m sure they would ship. Try Country Road, Witchery, Seed Heritage – they all have this sort of “effortless” put together look for summer. Personally I buy a lot of clothes from those shops!

    1. We installed this brand as a backsplash in our our kitchen before we sold our prior house. We used the tape option for the backsplash rather than the glue, which was less mess (and the tape is ridiculously sticky, so I might have faith in it for a ceiling). The hardest part was cutting the pieces precisely, but even that wasn’t too hard. It took my husband and I (with him doing most of the hard work) 3-4 hours one evening. I like the effect. I can’t speak to how it held up over time since we moved, but I thought it turned out beautifully.

      Coincidentally, in our new house, we have a similar backsplash, although it’s actual metal–recycled aluminum. I vastly preferred the plastic Fasade stuff. The recycled aluminum required nails at the corners, and looks lumpy in spots. It’s also really surprisingly hard to clean, particularly in a kitchen. We will likely replace with tile just because my husband doesn’t love the look of the “metal” as much.

    2. I have these exact tiles in a bronze color. We put them up with metal tacks that match the color of the tiles. You can align the tacks to blend with the pattern on the tiles and it really doesn’t look half bad. I don’t think glue would hold them on the ceiling as well.

    3. I have not done a ceiling, but I have used MuscleBound adhesive tile mats to install a backsplash with decently heavy tiles. They are activated by applying pressure on the tile. I found the product easy to work and durable.

  3. This is a very, very pretty dress, but it looks neither office-appropriate nor like anything I would wear to, say, church or a dinner out.

    1. I think that’s right if your office is formal.

      Mine is slouching towards “no pajamas,” so this wouldn’t violate anything. Still, to me lace reads either Fancy or Bedroom, so not a daytime work look for me (but perhaps a daytime wedding).

      When I was first working, I didn’t get the fancy/formal distinction in women’s clothing (men wear the same suit to work, a funeral, a wedding, and church on Sunday; women’s clothes are much more occasion-specific).

    2. I agree. Lace hems belong nowhere near the office.
      Red Fleece is targeted toward preppy teens IIRC. I occasionally find a work-appropriate piece among their stuff, but it’s usually a little too “cute.” I can picture a young teen wearing this for, say, a conservative family wedding.

      1. Disagree. A lot of their attire would be stuffy even for preppy teens, but is very nice in a business-dress office.

      2. This dress reads more grandma than teen to me. And I don’t mean grandma in a bad way, more like, this is the kind of thing I could imagine myself wearing at 70. It looks too mature to put a 10-12 year old in, though.

        1. I would totally wear this to work at my law firm. No bear arms, so I’d have to figure that out, but that’s a common and solvable problem.

          1. I can’t get over the slip showing part. But my hope for my future self is that by 70 I will not give one f about whether it looks like my slip is showing and I will be happy to show off my pretty lacy dress.

          3. Hah, it made me picture fuzzy sleeves like on those teddy bear jackets that are popular now, would be an interesting contrast with the lace hem.

          4. L.K. Bennett has cute alternatives to those Jardigans every one mentions, and the cuts work well with sheath dresses,

    4. I think it would be cute for a bridal shower (as a guest) or other celebration like a graduation, or dinner out at a nice restaurant. Basically anywhere you’d where business casual that isn’t an office, which for me is a lot of places.

    5. Wow, a standard sheath dress with a tiny lace hem isn’t office appropriate?

      I have to say, I am boggled by some of the “not office appropriate” comments I see here. I guess you have very strict, formal offices? The only reason this dress wouldn’t be appropriate for my office is that it is way too nice, but then I work in science administration and in the summer people wear flip flops and those capri cargo pants that tie at the knee.

      1. The dress codes at some law firms (nyc) can be notoriously stuffy. There was once an ATL post about a big law firm sending out a memo that said “Fri Business Causal” just meant you could take off your suit jacket and tie.
        At my work place- we tried to get people not to wear basketball shorts (there are some field engineers that come in, that usually wear safety gear and I guess don’t own regular clothes?) and some management folks complained and we were told that while we could encourage people to dress professionally, we couldn’t force them too, lol.

        1. Or for me, I don’t need to be that formal, but if I spent $$$ on something, I want it to be something I can wear for formal workwear needs (and this isn’t that sort of dress). For fun clothes, I don’t tend to spend $$$ on them.

      2. It’s not because my office is super strict and formal (today I am wearing a shift dress with a turtleneck under it, black tights, and booties). It’s because this dress isn’t office wear. The addition of the lace makes it daytime formalwear.

        1. The amount and placement of this lace puts it into either category – business casual or nice casual. Opinions will differ, but to me at least a tiny bit of lace on a hem is just a dress detail to give it character, not to bring down the formality.

      3. I’m biz cas and I wouldn’t wear a lace trim dress to work. Lace is just not business to me. This is definitely a dress you’d get a lot of use of in the south for showers, teas, etc but I can’t figure out a use for it here in California (how would it look with a Patagonia fleece, I wonder?)

      4. I am a lawyer and would totally wear this to work without question.

      5. Seriously. Also everybody who makes those comments seems to think their offices are the only ones that count.

  4. I’ve tried the real doctors, and now I’m turning this over to the juris doctors (Dr. google has failed me).

    I got a cold (or something) three months ago. Since then, I’ve been drowning in mucus and phlegm (and sputum — fun). No fever. But I appear to be typhoid Mary — going through boxes of tissues a week, periodically coughing up phlegm, aggressive nose blowing. Nothing has made a difference — 4 different antibiotics (including an extended course of one of them), mucinex, antihistamines, saline rinses, saline sprays (I even got my nose and throat scoped).

    It’s a good thing I work alone in an office with a door (and can WFH). If I worked at McDonalds or in a hospital or had to travel a lot, my career would be toast — who wants a surgeon or pilot or cook coughing up plegm or constantly blowing her nose?! Who can take 3 months off of work?!

    Usually, I never get sick. And if I do, a lot of sleep and I’m significantly better in a couple of days. WTH is going on? I’m up to date on shots (including Whooping Cough, which in some culture is called the 100 days cough, which is about where I’m at). [My kids are older and not at the point where they are getting sick all the time. All of our shots are up to date.]

    Yet another follow-up with an ENT (escalated from a generalist) is due for the later in the week. I am so frustrated.

    Any thoughts from the peanut gallery?

    1. Viral sinus infection? That’s pretty common though so they’ve probably already thought of it. Are you particularly underslept or busy or something right now that would degrade your immune system? I used to get terrible colds in the weeks before big exams, but as soon as exams were over I’d go back to sleeping normally and they’d clear up.

      1. OP here: no! This winter has been medium-slow at work, plus I’ve had two holiday weekends to sleep it off. I’ve been eating well.

        I’m usually a regular blood donor and I’ve held off of two donations and it really bothers me that I am not fully well (and yet not really sick, just a mess of mucus and sputum).

    2. Beyond the mucus and cough, how do you feel? Sick and run down, or relatively normal? Any other symptoms?

      1. OP here: totally normal otherwise. No fever. No sore throat. I just travel with lots of tissues and aquaphor to keep dabbing on my nose.

        If I were a Victorian, I’d probably be sent to the seaside or to take a cure somewhere.

    3. If you are open to homeopathy….
      Look at the boiron.usa website & search by symptom. Most available at your local health food store & on line. I use oscillococcinum for what you have described.
      Sending internet puffs plus!

      1. Oscillococcinum should be completely inert based on the listed ingredients. So many people attest to its efficacy that I can only conclude it has unlisted active ingredients. If you take any other meds, I would be careful with it, since there’s no way to check contraindications.

    4. Could this be allergies or mold? Also, just in case you are pregnant- this is a common side affect (currently going through it too- thought it was our heaters then someone reminded me noses go all nuts during pregnancy). I often joke to my husband that we need to buy Kleenex stocks for the rates we go through them!

      1. Want to add that my brother had this for years and ended up finally being told he had a horribly deviated septum (lol because we also live in Los Angeles, home of the deviated septum nose job industrial complex), and he got that fixed 2 years ago, it really helped, and wishes he had done it sooner.

        1. I live in an allergy vortex (so yay seasonal allergies are coming soon!), but in winter it’s usually not a problem. Same house for 10 years. Nothing in my life has changed. Not pregnant (seasonal allergies were worse for me pregnant).

          AND I have a deviated septum, but I have had it forever apparently and this gunkiness is new and not normal for me.

          I would loved a nose jobs as a tween — I’m OK with it now. If it weren’t filled with gunk.

          Would love some dyson vacuum for my nose (but it would just get replaced with fresher new gunk). Like what would my base metabolism be if I weren’t making all of this mucus and sputum and phlegm (g-d I hate that word!)?

          1. What color is the mucus? Clear (that would say allergy to me)? Yellow (cold/virus)? Green (sign of infection)? Brown (which is older yellow stuff, I think)?

            At least that’s my rough calculus when it comes to this crap.

          2. OP: it’s always been in the yellow family. Not green. I also think that clear = allergy.

            Also: the ENT cultured some of my gunk and nothing grew. We were both surprised — really thought something would be lurking deep down.

      2. Yeah, I was about to say along with ENT you may need to see an allergist. It sounds like really typical allergies – sometimes they develop or get worse later in life, especially in women. I was living exactly as you are until I saw a doctor who put me on Flonase. You need a nasal corticosteroid like Nasocort or Flonase, which basically works in the short term but works best over time, with greatest benefits seen after the first month or so. over time trains your body. That paired with a different antihistamine (after trying several – ended up with a prescription nasal spray antihistamine called olopatadine which is super effective) has been like day and night.

        Obvi check with your doctors first but this sounds like classic late onset allergies. It also took doctors three months and a round of antibiotics to diagnose me.

        1. You might also ask the ENT about a sinus rinse with budesonide (pulmicort) added.

    5. Ugh, that sounds awful! When I was sick for 3 weeks, the doctor said it was actually allergies, and I’ve had more or less success with different types of allergy medicines. I seriously doubt that could be it for you, but figured I’d offer up something. Good luck with figuring it out and I hope you feel better!

    6. Symptoms (and their duration) sound similar the few times I’ve gotten bronchitis or walking pneumonia, except that it’s always cleared up with an antibiotic.

    7. I had a nagging sinus infection for months. It turned out I had an allergy to something in my home, that just came out of nowhere. Once we resolved that issue, I got significantly better. Going to an ENT is key for this, and they also gave me some medication to help in the meantime until I could get the allergen situation resolved.

    8. I think continuing to explore with the ENT (and an allergist?) is the best course to figuring out what’s going on. In the meantime, you might look into seeing an accupuncturist for symptom relief/improvement. I went originally for short term knee pain relief and have kept going for various other reasons. When I was sick this season a couple of well-placed needles meant I could breathe again! Good luck and feel better!

    10. I’ve had this for years. If you don’t have a fever or sinus pressure and don’t feel sick, it’s pretty unlikely that it’s a sinus infection or any other type of bacterial or viral infection, especially after taking antibiotics. If allergy meds don’t help at all, it’s probably not that either. I have non-allergic rhinitis and I’ve tried pretty much all of the drugs, none of them help that much. The most useful things I’ve come up with are doing everything I can to reduce irritants like dust, scents, air pollution, etc. Keep going to the ENT and maybe they can come up with something, but sometimes bodies just suck.

      2. +1 I also have non-allergic rhinitis and the only, only, thing that helps is not eating gluten which is incredibly irritating so I don’t really stick to it. Agree with 10:40am anon that staying away from specific irritants is helpful if possible – my allergy doc basically explained it as “you’re not ‘allergic’ to air pollution, technically, but your body is irritated by it and responds to it as if it were an allergy.” Neti pots help me as does a humidifier during the winter. The dry air makes it worse and I wake up every morning with a ton of gunk.

    11. I think if you don’t feel sick, you don’t have a sinus infection, pneumonia or bronchitis. Those would all make you feel (very) sick, in my experience. You can get whooping cough even if you’re vaccinated, but that’s really a bad cough, not so much the mucus/runny nose thing. It’s probably just allergies and irritation from the cold, dry weather. Are you still taking antihistamines or decongestants? Those can have a bit of a rebound effect, where you build up a tolerance to them and feel worse if you don’t regularly increase your dose. If you’re still taking meds, I’d try stopping and see if you feel better after a week or so of being off the meds.

    12. I would say you should do everything you can to boost your immune system: extra sleep, extra hydration, and probiotics to build back up after the antibiotics. Good luck!

    13. I am in NE and a very, very persistent viral sinus infection is going around here. People are on 2-4 rounds of antibiotics (as you mention) and are being told to expect the cough and drainage to last up to six months.

        1. I worded it poorly.

          Viral illness (cold/flu, not sure exactly) morphs into sinus infection.

    14. I have this problem several times a year for weeks at a time. I have no productive advice really, but the ENT gave me two nasal sprays that she told me to use when I normally get seasonal allergies, and as needed otherwise. I also sleep with a humidifier, which I think helps loosen some of the congestion. I even got a little humidifier for my desk in hopes of putting a dent in the constant drainage. So: ask your ENT about nose sprays? Get a humidifier?

    15. Can you take a week’s vacation – in a warm, sunny, dry location? Semi-seriously, it does help me with something similar!

    16. I know this is a late comment, but on the off chance you’re still reading: Have you tried one of the nasal sprays designed for allergies — something like Rhinocourt (which is OTC)? Possibly combined with an inhaler (which you’d need an Rx for).

      I totally had something like this 2 years ago. It was like a bad cold that then just wouldn’t go away, but I felt just fine. I even started getting this horrible deep cough with it. Because I have a history of mild asthma (but which had been well controlled for the past 5 years), my PCP had me start using the nasal spray and directed me to take my rescue inhaler more (I hadn’t been using it for this because it was a deep cough, not a wheezing cough). It cleared up in like a week!

      PCP’s explanation was that sometimes the inflammation from a severe cold can sort of “build” on itself, especially with a history of asthma, but also sometimes *without* asthma. Even though the nasal spray is for allergies, it can decrease the inflammation that’s built up.

      It sounds like you’re going to see an ENT so they may bring this up anyway, but if not, it might be worth asking about.

      1. Also a late comment but have you tried cutting out dairy for two weeks? Clears mucus rig up for me.

  6. Hive, I need your wisdom. I’m going to be visiting Denver this weekend for a girls trip with my 90 year old grandmother and mother in her mid-60s. I was hoping to do something to celebrate my mom’s birthday while we’re there, but have never been to Denver and Google isn’t getting me anywhere. Any good birthday activities spring to mind for such a group and occasion? Is there a good high tea in Denver? We’re already attending the Christian Dior exhibit at the Denver Art Museum, but that’s the grandmother’s Christmas present, so that’s out as an option.

    1. Afternoon Tea at the Brown Palace – a lovely hotel downtown. They also have a fabulous spa.

      1. Second this. We did Dior show and high tea at the Brown for a 65th birthday recently and it was a hit. Guard & Grace if you’re looking for a steakhouse dinner.

        1. +1 to Guard and Grace. Let them know when you make the reservation that it is for a special occasion. We went for our anniversary, and they surprised us with lots of little touches. First class experience.

  7. Just posting again since I got no hits yesterday. I know this is a far reach for this board, but is anyone here a SCAD graduate? Particularly their MFA in writing program? Any insight on the program or advice on putting the portfolio together?

    1. Is it fully funded? If not, I wouldn’t apply.

      FWIW, I don’t know anything about SCAD specifically. But I have a lot of friends who have done MFAs in writing, and I did a round of applications myself with mentorship from faculty at my undergrad, which has the third-ranked MFA program in the country. (No fully funded offers, so I didn’t go, and my life has since taken me in a different direction. Also I realized that I was sick of forcing myself to write the kind of literary fiction that I hate reading ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

      The real value of an MFA is to have the space and the time to devote yourself wholeheartedly to your craft. (Or as wholeheartedly as you can while cobbling together three sections of freshman English comp to pay your rent.) And to a lesser extent, to be surrounded by people and artists who can push you and inspire you. Unless you are independently wealthy, this is not something that you should pay money for. The MFA grads that I know best have graduated from top-four programs, and none of them are making a living as writers. Most work in publishing (none in the s*xy parts of it), and one is a web designer. One is publishing a book that she wrote after finishing her MFA, but will not be quitting her day job any time soon; one has had work featured in mid-tier literary review.

      1. +1. I’m a professional writer (with no MFA). Don’t pay for this degree. There are enough programs offering fully funded slots.

      2. I thought this article on Marlon James was really interesting https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/01/28/why-marlon-james-decided-to-write-an-african-game-of-thrones and kind of crystallized for me why I’ve always disliked the Updike style of literary fiction
        quote:
        The kind of realism that tends to predominate in literary fiction is “as fantastical as sword and sorcery,” James told me. “The world of a lot of these novels is super white, super middle-class, women only appear in a certain way. That isn’t real life! There are black people on Nantucket! We’ve given social realism this pride of place as the thing with the most verisimilitude, but there’s more verisimilitude in Aesop’s fables. Literary writers don’t get to talk down to sci-fi about invented worlds.”

    2. In Atlanta. I feel like I know a handful of SCAD folks… but not for writing, more for visual arts and design. Sorry can’t help. I’ve been here 20+ years and have watched SCAD’s reputation and name value soar…. but not really for writing. If it’s the only program you got into, then yes, go for it, assuming financial feasibility. But if you get into a better one, even in the South, UGa, UTn, UVa, UMississippi all have great reps. For private-style schools College of Charleston, Vanderbilt, Berry, come to mind before SCAD. But what do I know? I saw you post yesterday and you seem really in need of perspective, so that’s mine.

    3. I have an MFA in visual art and agree with emeralds. Its possible writing is different, but in visual art, the MFA only prepares you for 1 job – college art professor – of which there are approximately 3 openings nationwide, all of which are in the middle of nowhere and likely to be filled by people who have scraped by adjuncting for 3+ years first. (The only way to get a tenure track college teaching job in a major city is to become a famous artist first). Beyond that, it is an opportunity to focus on making art and becoming a better artist. Going into debt for this is really not a good idea. I now work at a nonprofit arts org in fundraising. I can think of 1 person from my grad program who is a tenure-track college professor in the arts. If you feel you must get an MFA, look for an inexpensive state school with generous teaching fellowships and establish residency before you start.

  8. I would struggle to find a use for this. It’s too bland for going out and too feminine for work. Also I need sleeves.

  9. I have a close friend with severe anxiety. I am trying to be supportive but have a hard time understanding what she is going through (physically and emotionally). I am a concrete thinker and really want to do or say something so she knows I am here for her. What are some ways a friend can show support?

    Also looking for good resources to bettet understand anxiety. Please know I’m NOT judging, not saying its fake or easy to control. Truly want to understand how I can support her and open to ideas. I have asked during less-anxious times but don’t get much feedback. FWIW we are several states away so I can’t physically be there.

    1. Following.

      My inlaws have what seems to be very high levels of anxiety. To the point where visiting is hard for me — there is a tension in the room (no one ever coughs — someone is CHOKING and is going to DIE). It’s like the family in The Fighter * high anxiety levels.

      It’s hard to explain to me my reaction to being around people constantly on edge, but one of my children is wired that way (it seems, sometimes, her wiring seems to be fraying in early puberty when she is tired/stressed) and I need to get an owner’s manual for people wired differently than me.

      1. Mine, too. I almost need to decompress after being with them. The abnormal (not going out, not answering the phone, every human interaction via text or e-mail or Second Life (incl. relationships)) becomes normal. A lot of what I might do to “help” seems to be co-dependent (I can get takeout again b/c you don’t want to go out in public). It is like a different culture to me.

    2. Not that you should constantly be buying your friend gifts, but maybe an occasional gift could be a way to show support that she doesn’t necessarily have to respond to the way a conversation might require. For example, say she’s anxious about an upcoming test/job presentation/career evaluation, you could put together a small care package of herbal tea, an eye mask, and a cute pen.

      I realize in typing this that I’m suggesting a half-measure but I don’t think it’s your job to cure her anxiety or do more than recommend therapy. I similarly feel that I can’t offer logic to help my more anxious friends and that sometimes listening and showing that I paid attention by sending a supportive text or care package is my way of trying to be a good friend.

      Good luck!

    3. I focus on balancing being supportive vs. being a crutch. I have a very anxious friend and while I love her and want to support her, it doesn’t help either of us when she leans on me so much that I’m basically her therapist. Especially not when the “needing a shoulder” moments happen on an emergency basis at like 3-5 am. No it’s not ok to wake me up in the middle of the night because your cat sneezed and now you’re convinced she’s dying. Please go back to therapy. I let my friend vent her anxieties but I have boundaries – my phone no longer rings after 10 pm, we set a 20 minute timer for her anxiety spirals, and we have frequent mid-day coffee dates that are limited to 1 hour (which I know isn’t practical for you if you live far away). Fwiw I also have an anxiety disorder so it’s maybe a little easier for me to set boundaries without being accused of being judgmental/not understanding/etc.

      Other things I do to be supportive – send nice cards at random, sometimes with a $5 gc to her favorite coffee shop. I’ve sent flowers for a special occasion when she’s expecting it, but I wouldn’t send flowers or a package that has to be picked up because it’s one more thing to stress about.

    4. As someone who suffers from various mental issues, I think it’s WONDERFUL that you are trying to understand. When I first started going to therapy, one thing my therapist had me do was build up the knowledge in my support structure. She provided specialized readings for my partner, parents, etc. to read. My recommendations were for OCD specifically so I don’t have suggestions. But perhaps find a book or pamphlet or something? A google search shows a lot of results.

      1. This is fantastic of your therapist. My sibling was going through something a few years ago and I inquired about things I could read to learn more about it so that I could broaden my understanding and I was laughed at.

    5. When my husband had a breakdown, I found the book “Loving Someone with Anxiety” or “Loving Someone with an Anxiety Disorder” to be very helpful. I’ll see if I can find the link and post it.

    6. Can you ask her how to support her? Ultimately, that’s what I did and it changed my strategy dramatically. My spouse has anxiety and it helps him if we discuss the worst case scenario and plan. For example, suppose he feels sick. My natural impulse is to say that it’s probably just a cold and he’ll feel better in a day or two. To him, this comes across as dismissive of his concerns. What actually helps is to come up with a worst-case-scenario plan. For example, if it’s cancer he’ll still feel sick in 4 days. Then he should make a doctor’s appointment and we’ll go about getting it diagnosed and treated. We live near an excellent cancer facility and have great insurance.

      1. I am this way. Meaningless assurances scare me for a very rational reason: sometimes, things actually are bad; if you are pretending that isn’t happening, it’s because there is no plan in place if it’s a problem. And now you’re sticking your head in the sand and not making a plan.

        Now, for me, it’s not a sniffles/cancer thing – it’s more like the 5% of times things blow up. For example, when I moved halfway across the country for a job and a relationship (on a timeline that was faster than I thought), my anxiety level plummeted when one of my best friends told me that I was always welcome to land on her doorstep back home if everything went haywire.

      2. That’s a big burden for you. Kudos to you for supporting your partner but does he realize how much you’re shouldering, having to talk him town from the it’s-probably-cancer ledge every time he has the sniffles?

        I have spiraling thoughts like that myself, but I have also learned to manage them myself (like you, I go to worst case and talk myself back from there). I wouldn’t make my husband manage that for me. It’s a lot to ask for.

        1. Thanks for thinking of me. Sniffles were just an example (not something that had actually happened). His anxiety is reasonably well controlled but every few months it will spike up, often for good reason. (For example, he was part of a large layoff a few years ago. It would have made me anxious too, although probably not as much.)

    7. In my experience as an anxious person, best thing you can do is “hold space” for her – that is, be there, but with boundaries that you’re comfortable with, and be non-reactive. If she panics or lashes out about your boundaries, the kindest thing you can do is just hold steady. Guarantee she’ll feel bad about it later.

    8. My spouse has anxiety – when we were first living together/married, I put a lot of effort into trying to fix the circumstances that caused it, trying to prevent common anxiety-provoking scenarios, avoiding asking him for things I knew would be hard for him because of the anxiety. Shortest version of the story? That approach was a disaster. His anxiety got progressively worse, I developed anxiety about my “failure” to “help him” with his anxiety, and we were both miserable.

      What finally worked? I gave up trying to support/reassure/”help” him in the ways I had been. I started responding more along the lines of “I know this feels really awful for you right now and I’m sorry, but also the thing you are anxious about is not what I am experiencing/is easily solved in X way/is still something we have to do/etc.” Within a few months, he had moved from denying he had an anxiety problem (he was big on explaining his symptoms away as “that’s just my personality/stranger things have happened so I’m right to be anxious even if it wasn’t warranted in this specific instance/you are just weirdly calm about everything and I am normal”) to acknowledging he had a problem and getting treated for it. (Treatment has been amazing, he is the better version of himself I always knew he would be and I am thankful every single day for his treatment team.)

      All of this is to say, in my experience the best thing you can do is empathize (“I hear you, I’m sorry you are having a hard time right now”) without feeling obligated to do anything about it or rise to the other person’s level of anxiety. She may hate that. She may lash out (“How can you not see it is imminently reasonable that I am in an anxiety spiral over having to purchase plum tomatoes when the recipe called for Roma, what is WRONG with you?!” <– actual thing that actually happened in my life). All you can do is be kind and hold your line (wherever your personal line for this stuff happens to be).

      1. I think this is great advice. I tend towards anxiety and the best thing my sweet husband does is just refuse to get sucked into the anxiety spiral. He’s just, “wow, that sounds awful,” and then he goes about his business without buying into whatever I’m freaking out about. I find it wonderfully reassuring.

      2. Seconding this. I am the less-controlled-anxious one in my relationship (they’re older with worse anxiety than mine, so they’ve had more experience in managing the shit) so when I start spiraling, we’ve kinda got a system of 1. Acknowledge it’s a spiral, it’s happening, not gonna stop it happening, brain is gonna brain 2. Briefly talk about it, with emphasis on what I *can* control and what is in my power (even when I don’t want to acknowledge it and 3. Just doing. the. thing. If it’s at an inconvenient time where spiraling will make me late or throw off pre-made plans it’s just a, “Yup. That sucks, brains are dumb, but you can do the thing. Go get em.” But of course, this is all from the SO perspective, and less about friends.

        To be honest, I don’t know how close OP’s friends are, but even my closest friends probably couldn’t help my anxiety much. Personally, indulging in anxiety is a bit of a guilty-pleasure (just like wallowing in depression can be), and sometimes talking to people about things just makes it more concrete. Now that I’ve gotten better about framing conversations to diminish anxiety, and use them more to acknowledge that I’m having anxiety than just sinking deeper into it, a quick convo with a friend before doing whatever anxiety inducing thing there is, or venting afterwards, might be helpful. But that’s only after help from my SO, which I didn’t completely resist only because I didn’t want to sabotage the relationship. I don’t know if I would’ve dealt with all the uncomfortable parts of basically being gently told to get over it and just move forward with plans if it wasn’t a romantic partner. That’s just me though.

    9. The best description I’ve heard of anxiety was in a Ted Talk – wish I could remember the name. It was something like

      Anxiety is like that feeling when you trip and you almost fall. But the feeling can be constant and not even have a known trigger.

  10. I feel like I’m looking for the unicorn of workout tops. I need a tank top, racerback is okay but I would prefer regular straps so I don’t have to wear a racerback bra, with a high neckline so my giant b00bs don’t fall out, and close-fitting so I don’t flash everyone when I’m upside down. I’m cusp sized and fit an XL usually (sized out of Lululemon). It seems like every dang top on the market is too loose, too low-cut, strappy or open backed, and I wonder who is actually wearing these things for exercise. Does anyone have suggestions?

    1. Athleta has some that are higher cut and have grippies on the long hem so they don’t come up.

      1. Yeah I have a ton of tops from Athleta that fit OP’s description. I haven’t bought any recently though so I can’t give specific links. If you can, go to a store and try on a bunch of things. Some Athleta tops are too tight for my comfort – I don’t want to show off every lump and bump. But a lot of them are form fitting without being skin tight and the fabric is substantial enough to be forgiving. It’s just hard to know which is which online.

      3. Unfortunately the reason I haven’t tried Athleta is because it’s not available in Canada!

    2. I don’t worry if my sports bra shows at all. I think I did have something like this from Athleta – look for fitted workout tanks.

      1. Yes, your sports br@ is actually supposed to show. Athleta and Lululemon both make fitted workout tanks.

        1. I’m not the OP but I don’t think mine are supposed to show, they’re pretty ugly. I haven’t found a high impact sports bra for large cup sizes that I would really want to show off. I can only wear the cute strappy ones for a low intensity yoga class.

          1. Or maybe you could wear a sports bra and not care if anybody sees it while you’re working out, even if it’s not cute?

    3. I actually work out in ancient Old Navy ribbed tanks sometimes, like their really basic versions. I wore them for actual daily casual wear until they got a little old and pilly, and now they’ve been demoted. They fit tight and don’t move around too much for me, although to be fair I have the opposite of giant b00bs. They also have straight straps and are reasonably priced to my mind. Link to follow :)

        1. Check Eddie Bauer. I found some that looked nice there st one of their airport stores.

    6. I had some surprising success with the H&M workout line, which I didn’t know existed until I found it in a corner of the store a few months ago. I have a top pretty similar to what you’re describing, although I’m not sure how far they go size-wise. Probably not the highest quality, but great value and stays put when I’m doing yoga or strenuous cardio.

    7. I found the perfect answer to this quest. Lands End tank tops- and they are inexpensive.

    9. That’s funny. I feel like tops I see are too form fitting and high necked for me. I typically look at old navy and gap. I want more loose fitting tops with a lower neckline for my post baby body but not at a lululemon price point.

    10. It may not be exactly what you are looking for, but I’ve had success with Old Navy.
      Picked up 3 different colors of Crossback Keyhole Performance Tank for Women.
      There is an opening in the back but it is not open back. Can wear with your normal bra.

    11. TASC Nola top on amazon or zappos. Best workout tops I’ve ever warn, I got rid of all my lululemon!

  11. A question for the academics out there. I just got an e-mail from a person purportedly affiliated with a reputable academic institution who is doing a “systematic review on the reporting of [subject matter in which I have published research].” This person is asking me to direct him to available research literature in this topic area. So basically the dude is conducting a lit review and is reaching out to subject matter experts to point him to the extant literature instead of doing his own research. In my 10+ years in the field, I’ve never heard of such a thing. This is really weird, right? How would you respond? My instinct is just to delete the e-mail, but if this is normal then maybe I ought to respond.

    1. That’s so weird and definitely not on. I’m an academic and I’ll reach out to subject matter experts when I need specific advice or guidance (who to talk to within organization X), not for a primer on the literature. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they were an undergraduate research assistant.

    2. I would interpret this as a request for a list of my own published work. Are links to your work available on your website, bio, etc.? Maybe send him that link?

      1. The e-mail gave me the impression that he had already found my CV and wanted me to direct him to other articles.

    3. Academic here.
      This is really weird. I would trust your instinct and delete. It may be that the person does not have access to specific journals (but if they are from R1 or acceptable academic institution they at least have access to abstracting resources via library) or doesn’t know how to search the grey literature not hidden behind paywall.
      Don’t waste your time doing someone else’s work.

      1. +1. I’m not a faculty member but I work closely with them, and most barely have time to respond to emails from students and colleagues and never respond to strangers unless something is clearly in it for them. I would not bother responding to this, the person will surely get very few responses.

      2. I read the second sentence in this post as Ina Garten would say “How easy is that?” and it delighted me.

    5. I am not an academic. I’m an actuary. There are lots of young people who want to break into the field because it’s consistently rated one of the top 10 jobs in the US. Very often some of these guys (and it’s always guys) will get really pushy and entitled about what they expect me, a working actuary they’ve never met, to do for them.

      All I can conclude is that somewhere along the line someone told them to push boldly for what you want, because the worst thing that can happen is that someone will tell you no.

      So tell him no. You have all of our permission.

      2. Some people are successful being pushy and off-putting. maybe some of the most successful…..

    7. Don’t know if you’re reading this, but I am doing some research in one field–american art history–and suddenly found myself needing to know about the East India Company in great detail for a single decade. It’s terrible. This is an area that I have no experience and even after reading a few books and consulting with the India Room at the British Library, cannot find what I’m looking for. I reached out to a few experts at a handful of respected institutions and never heard back. For me, the subject matter is so far beyond my background that no amount of my own literature review will get me anywhere without expert guidance.

  12. Have to go to lunch on Friday with the general counsel of a client (small software company) and a few other lawyers at my firm. I had interviewed for her role, but didn’t get it, about three years ago. The GC just started last summer so I don’t know whether management has divulged to her I had interviewed with them in the past and failed. Tips? Thoughts?

    1. Pretend it never happened. If the current GC DOES know you were interested, it’s never a bad look to just carry on politely. If she doesn’t know you were interested, nothing to worry about.

    2. I have been in the exact same position (as the GC) – I would pretend it never happened. Even if they know, who cares? People apply for jobs – sometimes they get it and sometimes the don’t. I wouldn’t think anything bad of it. But I would hazard to guess that the GC doesn’t know.

    3. Agree w/ Cat- there are 101 reasons why you might not have gotten the job, most of which probably have nothing to do with you specifically (ex they already had someone in mind). Just pretend it never happened and keep connecting.

      1. Adding- FWIW, I have hired people 2nd time around that I passed up first time, because of the professional way they behaved and kept connected after being not getting the first opening.

    4. I don’t think it’s awkward at all. It’s likely she doesn’t know, and if she does know, she probably doesn’t feel threatened, since she ended up with the job. I would definitely just proceed as normal.

    5. Three years is a long time! Why would management even remember that, let alone tell her?

  13. Seeking advice from the hive on how to support DH, who has always had anxiety, but also has developed depression this past year. He has been in therapy for over a year and has finally agreed to try medication to help lift him out of his funk (can’t seem to get excited about anything, exhausted all the time, comments that he feels sad for no reason). He has an appointment today for an evaluation to get a script for antidepressants. My understanding from conversations here is that meds can take some time to start working and sometimes it takes a few different tries to find a good fit. He is very nervous about trying meds and seems to feel like a failure for needing this help. I have told him I’m proud of him for seeking out a solution, that he has nothing to be ashamed of, and I fully support him. Is there anything I can be doing to make things easier for him and is there anything I should be on the look out for (side effects) as he adapts to the medication?

    Thanks for your input, as I have no personal experience to draw on to help him through this.

    1. Just some anecdata, I was extremely nervous and upset with myself about medication and avoided it for years. I finally bit the bullet with my husband’s encouragement (a big part of it was that he was SO supportive and wonderful that Ifelt like it was my duty to do everything in my power to tackle my own anxiety and depression). It’s been great. It did take a little while to start kicking in, but even just taking that step was a big motivator for me, and the effects have been cumulative.
      I did experience side effects for about the first month, equivalent of having a nasty bug – gastrointestinal distress, exhaustion, nausea. I’d plan on keeping socializing and other plans kind of light as he adjusts to it. It WILL pass.
      Another good thing to note is that it doesn’t have to be permanent; that was a big hangup I had, like taking it was an admission that my brain chemistry was and would always be messed up. Instead, it’s more like wearing a knee brace after an injury – you want to be conservative in giving the weak/injured part support until you’re absolutely sure it’s fully healed, but there shouldn’t necessarily be an expectation that you’re going to be wearing the brace forever.
      Hope this is a helpful and optimistic perspective!

    2. I also felt like a failure about having to take meds for depression. I have nothing against medication, per se, but it didn’t sit well with me that I needed pharmaceutical help simply to function normally. I felt that was something I *should* be able to accomplish on my own. The first one I tried turned me into an anxious, sobbing mess. I was kind of a disaster. But once my doctor and I found the right cocktail, it made such a difference. I experienced nausea and insomnia (I learned I had to take one of them in the morning, otherwise no sleep for me), but they subsided in a few weeks.

      And I agree with S about light socializing. It can be hard and frustrating, but doing something even as simple as ordering in food with a friend really helps. Getting out of my head for a little bit and focusing on something else was key. It can be slow going, but things will improve!

      Here’s wishing your husband good luck!

    3. If he had high blood pressure that couldn’t be managed with diet and exercise, he would take medication, right?

      Mental health is the same way. You try the “stuff you should do anyway” things first (eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, etc.); if that fails, you move on to other interventions. We don’t shame sick people anymore for their illnesses; mental health isn’t any different.

    4. Thank you for your support and insight. I agree with all of this. It has been terrible watching my husband struggle and ask why he can’t just feel normal. I have tried to give him space when he seems to need it while also gently nudging him to seek any assistance he might need, whether therapy or meds.

      It’s also been tough bc I feel like I’m constantly “performing” and trying to make Besr Weekend Ever/Best Vaca Ever/etc plans with the hope that these things will perk him up. It’s been exhausting on both of us and stressful bc he doesn’t seem to know exactly what he needs either. My natural tendency is to try to “problem solve,” but it’s become more clear that I have no ability to “fix this.” I’m really hoping this next step will help make some progress. I have seen so many of you ladies discuss how much the right medication helped you get a handle on tough times, which gives me hope.

    5. Went through this with my husband a number of years ago. In addition the (possible) physical side effects others have mentioned, you may see a worsening of symptoms on medication – the irony, of course, is that it will make him less likely to identify or act on that worsening. (This isn’t to scare you, just to encourage you to be a gentle-but-proactive voice if you see that happening.) He may also be less able to manage his day-to-day while getting the right meds/dosage/etc, so have a plan to cover his household responsibilities (e.g. you do it, outsource it, defer it) that you can both live with or that will just add to his shame/frustration; this may also mean he’s less able to meet your emotional needs as well.

      The key I found was to maintain patient understanding without coddling, and to do whatever self-care I needed to be able to maintain that attitude (at least toward him – there were definitely frustrated/sad/scared phone calls to my support network!).

      1. Thank you for sharing your experience. I will be on the look out for the signs you mentioned. Some of the challenges you note are things that I had an idea might be the case. Ultimately, how did your husband’s issues resolve?

        1. This isn’t going to be a cheerful reply, so I totally understand if you want to skip it :)

          I’ve had to let go of the idea of the issues being “resolved” (at the risk of being all cryptic-zen about it, lol). Figuring out medication was a very bumpy road, and even after finding one that worked with tolerable side-effects he decided to not maintain it. Same thing with therapy – found someone he clicked with, went to enough sessions to be more functional, and then dropped out. (These are both pretty common scenarios, particularly when someone is really reluctant to admit they need help – as soon as the immediate crisis/low-point is past, they’ll drop the things that got them out of that hole because they’re “cured”. Ahem.)

          So, there are some weeks/months that are better than others. Right now he’s “managing” his symptoms with exercise and diet, which is keeping him afloat but not really in a great place. I’ve encouraged him to revisit stronger interventions but he isn’t willing, and I’m not willing to leave him over it, so it just … is what it is, right now.

          1. Thank you for sharing. Life sure can get bumpy and your husband is lucky to have you as a partner. I hope things start looking up for him and I will be sending you good vibes.

  14. Asking for vacation recommendations because you ladies are so good at it. My DH and I are looking to travel the first week of July (flexible), ideally to a beach location within a 5 hour flight of ATL (or less flight if a long transport from destination airport to resort). This puts the Caribbean, Cancun/Tulum, and Belize/Costa Rica in play—but I’m worried about the weather. We don’t want lots of rain (problem for Belize/Costa Rica). I was looking at Aruba because it’s supposedly a little bit drier and outside the hurricane belt, but it is super corporate. I’m wanting more of an eco-hotel-get-away vibe rather than a name-brand hotel with hundreds of rooms. I was looking at Tulum for that, but we’ve been to that area before and I was thinking a Caribbean island would be a bit more interesting/off the beaten path. Both general and specific suggestions would be helpful. TIA!

    1. I was in Cancun a couple years ago over July 4th weekend and the weather was perfect (hot, but good weather for beach/pool). Early July isn’t really the hurricane season in Cancun/Tulum, so I think that area would be great. No specific recs since we stayed in a big resort.

    2. The Caribbean isn’t usually too bad in July. There might be some stray showers from a PM thunderstorm… just long enough to grab a drink :) Puerto Rico – especially Vieques since it’s relatively undeveloped and just a quick flight from SJU – might be a good fit?

    3. If Aruba is appealing for the location, I would also look at Bonaire and Curacao right nearby. Bonaire especially is much less developed. I’m not sure how much it has beyond diving though, the people I know who’ve been are all serious divers.

      1. Bonaire is fantastic for diving, but doesn’t really have beaches for lounging – they’re small and rocky and basically just dive entry sites. It’s only worth visiting if you’re going to dive (in which case, it’s VERY worth visiting).

    4. Bermuda is nice in July. Not sure if it is eco-resort vibe enough for you though.

    5. I would try Baja California Sur. The Sea of Cortez has more biodiversity than almost anywhere else in North America.

  15. I checked around the site and found some old tailor recommendations, but was wondering who people are using these days in the DC area for tailoring. In the District proper is preferable, but MD or close VA also works.

    1. I use JC Lofton on U St and they’ve done a great job with both my and fiance’s suits

  16. I decided that 2019 is (may be) the year I unpack boxes that I have been moving around for years unopened. I’d like to do a “memory box” for each big life stage (high school, college, city A, city B). Does anyone have recommendations for the actual box and/or how to implement this? I hope to get it down to less than 4 boxes but going through them and not giving myself too many rules in the first round makes sense right now.

    1. I’m a pro at “memory boxes” and that’s totally what I call them. buy yourself one! (1) rubbermaid roughneck storage box.

      start there. can you fit all the good memory stuff in this box? – letters, pictures, items, tchotchkes
      If not, certainly give yourself permission to buy a 2nd one. but your goal should really be 1 box. enjoy the memory, allow yourself some time with it, then throw it away.

      If you’re struggling, literally – take a picture of the item (it’ll last longer!) and get them all printed out cheaply at CVS so you can remember the memory item in a smaller format. you really do not need this stuff, as evidenced by their multiple moves and you haven’t even cracked the boxes. You got this!

    2. I did this. I just bought some plastic boxes from target. I think I have 3: elementary through high school (mostly high school), college, post college that I still add to (in my 30s. I’m not as sentimental as I used to be). I have a separate one for my son (I did a box instead of a baby book), and I’d like to get a nice engraved wooden box for wedding stuff. I also have a bigger box full of photos from mostly middle school that I’m not quite sure what to do with.

    3. Watch the Marie Kondo series on Netflix for inspiration. It has my husband up on our attic every weekend making piles and deciding what stays and what goes. He likes the pile method, where you put everything in one category together in a big pile to see what you have all in one place, and then make cuts from there.

    4. You inspired me to clear out my home office when I had some time today, things have been piling up in it for MONTHS (I work it in it daily, but it’s become my junk room/hide stuff from my toddler and guests room too). :)

  17. DH and I are very financially conservative. Not on a ‘make my own detergent’ level, but we have less car, less house, less everything than income might suggest. No debt but a mortgage (balance is $325k, while home value is $520k). No student loans. Certainly we’ve had little splurges along the way – nice vacation every 1-2 years, for example – but we are just… conservative. I make about $250k annually (with a pipeline that suggests growth to about $300k this year), and $100k of that is salary while the rest is commission, and this is the driving motivation for being conservative. We live on our salaries and bank any of my commission, only drawing from it to fund one-time costs as needed.

    Current house isn’t our forever home. The house is moderately updated but one bathroom is a hot mess and the kitchen is seriously non-functional. I figure that in order to make the house what we want it to be, plus some 2-5 year horizon capital projects (roof, upgrading electric to 200 amps, new pool liner and pump, etc.) we’re talking about another $50-60k of investment. Upon talking to our broker this week, she thinks selling it today, as is, we would get the same than if we put all that money in because this house is squarely in the first time buyer/downsizing retiree strike zone of competitive suburban Boston. People are doing crazy things to just get houses, so those capital projects aren’t a concern/won’t impact value. So, doing all of that work doesn’t yield us any return.

    We were not actively looking for a new house though dream about it pretty regularly and constantly lament about how non-functional this current house is until a random gem popped on the market this week. It checks every single last box. Move-in ready, systems are about a 1/3 into their various life spans. School district and neighborhood are top notch. This is a forever home. However this house would basically increase our mortgage by 50% from $2100 to $3100 (both are inclusive of escrows).

    I think the point of this post is that I’m looking for permission from internet strangers to do something that’s a little uncomfortable for us but otherwise within reason to the average person? The $12k incremental increase in mortgage payment puts us beyond living on both salaries. When arguing to myself, my counterpoint is that my salary is artificially deflated (I know I could get $200k in a salaried full-time gig… I almost took that job 6 months ago). To take this “risk”, I think I’d make my first commission go immediately to a “mortgage fund” with $15-20k in it to cover this $12k overage and provide some extra cushion. We’ve already agreed that IF we do this, we take our sweet time filling the house – no running out and dropping $10k on furniture. I trust that we will be good on that.

    Thoughts? Are we nuts? I hate to lose something that is so perfect because of my weird anxieties about money.

    1. $3100 is a pretty small mortgage for someone who earns $250k, but I admit that living beyond your salaries and relying on the commission payments for the mortgage would make me a bit nervous. What does your husband make? What other expenses do you have? I know you said you live frugally, but can you cut things from the budget so that your salary is covering your basic needs and your commission goes toward all the fun stuff like vacations? If your commission continues to be what you expect, you won’t even have to change your lifestyle, so it’s really just semantics. But knowing that my salary could cover mortgage + food + utilities + any other mandatory expenses (childcare, etc) would bring me a lot of peace of mind.

      1. DH is earning $90k/year. We also have a $1,800 mo childcare bill. That also comes out of current salaried cash flow. Beyond that, all other expenses are pretty thin. We could order out less, but we do cook at home a lot and take our lunches to work 80% of the time. Didn’t mention this above b/c it’s almost paid off, but we do have a car loan that pays off by December puts another $400 in our pockets each month, which could feasibly go toward the increased mortgage amount.

        This earning level is new to us in the last 5 years so we currently have $125k cash in money market accounts that is emergency fund + capex/vacation/dog emergency type fund. We also have a growing, alebit small, not-yet-invested cash account for our 9 month old…. presumably this becomes a college savings account of some kind, she’s only 9 months old so we are still figuring that out. We have 401ks and some IRA from old employers. I’d like more cash on hand, and buying this home does not enable that goal immediately, but any commission payments in the next 18 months would exclusively go toward growing this cash reserve.

      2. OP, again. I think what I fear is living SO frugally that I will really, really regret not pursuing this (who’s to say we even get it, btw..), when it’s otherwise a fairly rational choice. I’ve definitely had been “penny wise, pound foolish” in the past and I’m wondering if this is my time to leave that behind.

        1. Yes, now is the time to leave it behind. You’re careful, you’re living within your means, you have a potential house that you could live in forever, this is the right thing to do! Buy it!!!

    2. What is your husband’s salary? Seems like that number is missing from the equation. I think living in a house you complain about in this situation would be nuts and I’d buy the house and be happy. But this is really your joint decision. If you need permission from an internet stranger, you have it! Enjoy!

    3. I’m in a Boston burb. We are doing renos now I’m the metro west. Some data points:

      – new 200 amp service (& panel) =$2900
      – new roof (Home is 2 stories and 3000 sq ft) =$19k, might be more like $25k. We got quotes all over the map.
      – our HHI is $340k and we pay nearly $4700k/month in principal, interest & taxes. We also have $2500/mo in childcare. We can fully max our retirement and add to savings comfortably-but not as aggressively as we once did. We have no other debt. You don’t mention your HHI, only yours. But if H works you’re probably both of us and we are also generally conservative.

      I would not underestimate maintenance costs on new home, but other than that…younhave my permission. And I’m belt-and-suspenders conservative until we bought this house. We could pay our bare bones living expenses on one salary, so we went for it.

    4. You’re right to be cautious – people ignoring risk is part of what led to the last meltdown.

      It’s hard to say without knowing a little more. How are your savings? Do you plan to have kids? What does your husband make?

      Basically, I would want to think about it in terms of worst-case scenarios. Let’s say you didn’t get any commission for a year. What happens? What if one of you lost your job? If you have enough liquid savings to cover you for 6-12 months, then you are probably okay. More is better – there will always be repairs that you don’t anticipate.

      It’s great that you already live frugally, but the downside is that if something bad happens, there usually isn’t a lot of room to cut the budget.

      1. +1. I typed a reply but this is good advice. My heart says do it, but these are good questions before you commit.

    6. I don’t think that’s that much of a price increase for a dream home (I mean it would take about 5 yrs just for it to equal the repairs you need to make to your current house-which I thought was going to be your original question and I was going to say go for it). My husband & I currently make about $300k/yr (we opted into lower paying jobs for a few yrs for flexibility & skill growth) and we can comfortably afford our $3.8k mortgage if that makes you feel better- and we are generally VERY financially conservative.
      I think about it on a 5-10 yr timeline. Costs would go up, the perfect dream house cost would go up (or what you’d have to spend to approximate it- just in schools alone).
      The thing that makes me feel ok w/ all the above is that we have both 1 yrs worth of take home pay saved in case one or both of us loses our job, AND we also have life/disability insurance worth 3 yrs of each of our income, that way if god forbid something happens to one of us, we have the money and space not to have to make any quick decisions.

    7. Think about it this way – the $60k you’d have to dump into the current house equates to 5 years of the excess $12k mortgage on the new house. Imho the new house sounds like a much better investment for that 60k than the current house. In 5 years you can reassess where your salaries are and go from there. You can always downsize again if needed.

    8. Honestly, I’d do what I need to do to make my current house liveable and see if that takes some of the urge/longing to move away. If you do the work and still want to GTFO, start looking then. Another “perfect” house will turn up and it won’t feel as urgent, since where you’re at is perfectly okay. I’m not in as hot of a market as Boston, but around here, houses that are serviceable as-is go like hotcakes while ones in the state like you describe your current house, sit.

    9. Look, I’ll be honest with you, my family’s numbers are almost equal to yours (my income, my husband’s, our childcare bill, and our the amount of equity in our house versus the mortgage currently) and I pay that much in my mortgage every month comfortably because we have a 15 year. I think you’ll probably be fine.

    11. Do it. You have the money. Relying on your base salary only is a false narrative since, as you said, you could get a job with $200K base if needed. There is really no financial risk here. I am also very, very financially conservative but for me, a house (in Boston!) is a solid financial investment and the one area where you should stretch. This is not a random frivolous purchase, and it’s clear your current home is not meeting your needs. Buy it, really!

    12. How long have you been (passively or actively) looking at houses? Besides the good financial thought exercises from other posters, that would be key for me as well. If you’ve lived in your house for two years and this is the first gem you’ve found, I’d be more cautious/conservative than if you’ve lived there for a decade, have been looking for six years, and saw nothing until now.

    13. I think it sounds great and like a good idea, but I am also in Boston and less conservative with my mortgage size than some!

    14. Do you have an ample emergency fund? I would be inclined to buy the house and then work to build up cash reserves to hedge the risk. If liquid cash isn’t the issue, then you can always put down a larger downpayment to keep your payment within your salary, but house equity isn’t liquid in the event of a job loss.

      Also a good opportunity to ensure you have enough life insurance and disability insurance which will give some comfort to your risk levels.

      I’m in a situation right now where we are extended a little further that I would prefer, so 2019 is a year of stocking up cash, re-evaluating insurance and working toward a better risk profile so we can return to supporting the household on one salary.

    15. I would absolutely buy the house, dump this year’s and/or next year’s bonus into the mortgage and refinance at a lower mortgage payment. You’ll financially be just fine with more equity in your forever home and a lower monthly lay out. You have plenty of money to work this out and still be conservative. You should see the house and start meetings with a mortgage broker asap. My mortgage broker was able to discuss things like options on downpayments, interest rates, refinance plans, etc. Not sure cost of the forever home but you could easily pay down a large chunk of the house with your bonuses and keep your current lifestyle – that’s very common among bonus professionals to live on salary and throw bonuses they don’t need (assuming maxing out 401k and healthy emergency fund) at debt or property.

      You know what sucks more than living in a house you don’t like? Regretting not buying a unicorn house you love while sitting on piles of cash doing nothing.

      1. Thanks. New house is listed for $849, but we’ve been told by the selling broker it’s overpriced. I think we’ll offer $815 and hope to settle around $825. Got our preapproval in hand this morning for $550k of mortgage, so we have meaningful equity in the new home (much tied to sale of current home). The way i see it, our ultimate downside is needing to sell at $550k to cover our mortgage, which 4 BRs, 2.5 baths, 1 mile to a commuter rail outside of Boston, can be done even in a recession.

        I thiiiiink we’re doing it. Thank you for your feedback. I’m a 10+ year reader and know this place trends to being conservative, as well, so it’s meaningful to have this gut check from so many that this is actually an OK move.

        2. I’m from the Boston area originally. One of the things I noticed is that the smaller houses have increased in value a lot more than the big houses have: essentially, people are paying what it takes to be near the city and have the wealth to drive up the prices of those homes, but very large houses in nice areas aren’t spiking in price the same way.

          My advice would be to get rid of the current place, which is riding a bubble, and buy the larger house, which will have a more stable price in a downturn.

    16. Omigoodness. My husband and I are extremely conservative, too, and I think you need to BUY IT NOW.

  18. I used to love the Cup of Noodles as a kid, but have since gone vegetarian. Any recs for specific brands/flavors that make a vegetarian version (links would be especially helpful if available on Amazon) that would satisfy the occasional craving?

    1. Grew up in a vegetarian household. We used to get Maruchan/Top Ramen in oriental flavor (the stove top kind). I believe its their vegetarian option (and if not my strict vegetarian grandmother definitely ingested a lot of meat by accident…)

      2. Top Ramen oriental (changed recently to “soy sauce”, I believe) is vegan. I don’t think Maruchan has any veg flavors.

    2. Trader Joe’s has a miso one! It’s not quite as good, but it fills the craving.

    3. Asian grocers sell the noodles in bulk. Since they’re salty, they have a lot of flavoring on their own, but you could also add a little powdered vegan bullion.

    4. You can also buy plain ramen noodles from Asian grocers (although I think the ones I buy are more of the “boil for 5 minutes” variety vs. the soak in hot water) and use your own bouillon cubes or even stock. Although I guess to be fair, you could do this with any other instant noodle and just not use their stock packet.

  19. Getting tons of ads for valentine gifts. I am one of those cynical forever single ladies but eh I was browsing the galleries and now I am curious: What is the nicest most extravagant thing you ever received?

    1. Hmm… not holiday related but the most romantic and wonderful thing my now husband has gotten me was surprising me with a replacement platinum DBTY when I accidentally lost mine. I’d been crying all day after losing it (it fell of my wrist, I bought it as a treat after a promotion). It was super sweet.

        2. Yes, diamonds by the yard bracelet, although it wasn’t brand name. I got mine from Whiteflash.

      1. Oooh, yes. A friend gave me a signed copy of a book by my favorite author for a birthday a few years ago.

    3. My husband surprised me this Christmas with a ring I had admired at the neighborhood jewelers when we were in there to have something repaired. I usually receive things from my amazon wishlist so this was a huge surprise. I literally burst into tears and scared my kids when I opened it. :)

    4. A ski trip and all of the winter clothes and accessories I would need to enjoy it (since I was from a warm place). My ex-husband was great at gifts (just bad at the rest of being a husband).

    5. I’m a cynical married lady and my husband & I usually just order pizza and down a bottle of wine– not particularly sentimental here. I don’t really love getting gifts if I’m totally honest- I buy what I like/want and anything else just seems to take up space or not be particularly useful and waste money.
      For my husband, he does like *STUFF*, but he’s very particular, so I just tell him to splurge on something he’s been eyeing guilt free. And that’s what has worked for us for the last 10 yrs.

    6. My dad once bought my mom 1966 a cherry red mustang convertible for Valentine’s Day. Knowing him he probably spotted it for sale at the deli that morning.

    7. When I turned 40 my husband got me the Presidential Rolex. It’s gold and really, really lovely. I was shocked, but wear it every day.

  20. Is anyone here an in-house executive recruiter? I’m considering an in-house executive recruiting position at a financial institution and would be curious to hear your thoughts! Do you like it, how did you get into it?

  21. Has anyone tried Noom? I am at my highest weight and really frustrated that even my biggest clothes no longer fit. I have a very good workout regimen (group strength/cardio classes and a personal trainer) so am set on that front but really need to get my eating under control. I have had past successes (and failures) with Weight Watchers, the Dukan Diet (a version of keto), and cheaters keto (no tracking but eliminating most carbs, including fruit). The tracking aspect of Weight Watchers is my biggest hurdle and from what I understand Noom also requires tracking. But the idea that it’s only 16 weeks and includes behavior modification is encouraging–the last time I did Weight Watchers it felt like most of the tips and tricks were hacks to keep points down, not real ways to improve my eating habits. I am 36, no kids, not married, 5’8″ and currently 186 lbs. I’d like to get down to 140 but expect that to take some time.

    1. I haven’t tried it but I browsed the comments on one of their ads that showed up on my Instagram feed because I was interested. There were a lot of angry comments of people who said it wasn’t helpful and that the company kept billing them after they canceled and they could never get anyone on the phone. I would say 2/3 of the comments were negative or neutral.

    2. I’m sure I won’t be the only one on the board to recommend this, but I’m nearly the same height, weight, exercise pattern, and age as you, and similarly have trouble with tracking on top of a full time job with travel and 2 kids. I’ve done 16:8 intermittent fasting for the past few months and it’s been fantastic: effective and sustainable. Easy to manage, and when I’m eating, I just eat a basically healthy diet without fussing too much about the details. I eat what my family eats, pack healthy lunches, and try to lean a bit more on veggies & meats and a bit less on the carbs, but that’s it. Give it a shot!

      1. OP here: Do you feel like IF is sustainable long term? I think that’s been my biggest hesitation to try it. Though my parents once did the 5:2 (days, not hours) fasting diet and the research behind it seemed solid, so I feel like it may be a healthy approach, and one I could do without tracking.

        1. Another IF fan here. I mostly do 16:8, but sometimes do 20:4 or sometimes go much shorter because I want a weekend breakfast with my kid. It’s pretty flexible. Plus, it stopped some bad habits (drinking wine in front of the tv after dinner, too much sugarless gum/artificial sweeteners, etc.)

        2. Tracking my food takes me right back to my eating-disordered past. Intermittent fasting is the antidote and works really well for me.

    3. Could your doctor refer you to a dietitian and a CBT therapist? From what you’ve said, it sounds like this would be the next diet plan in a list of limited-time approaches you’ve tried, and the big difference you see is the focus on behavior modification. A short round of CBT therapy could help you focus on the goal of behavior modification, and a dietitian may be able to help you come up with a sustainable plan.

      1. OP here: Thanks for the insight. I have a therapist and should ask her about CBT. In the past she’s been somewhat dismissive of my concerns about weight. She seems to think my natural/healthy weight is higher than I do. I know BMI isn’t gospel but when I’m in the overweight category I feel like it’s reasonable to want to bring it down some. That said, I had serious depression issues in 2017 and early 2018, so we were more focused on getting that under control. She may respond differently with those issues somewhat tied up. (As an aside: one of the medications does appear to have contributed an extra 15 lbs or so over the course of eight months in 2017 but it hasn’t come off since and my weight has actually crept up, though much more slowly.)

        1. Also, adding a dietician is a good idea. I hadn’t seriously considered it because I feel like I eat “normally” so why do I need personal attention on that front? But I’ve sought out personal attention in other areas, so why not this one. Thanks.

    4. My husband tried it for a while and thought it was too overly simplistic without enough direction – there’s basically 3 categories of foods which are pretty obvious and that’s about it. He cancelled after 2 weeks. I am 6 weeks into my first session with Stronger U and I’m down 8lbs (goal is to lose 20ish). I like that nothing is off limits and it’s teaching me to make better trade-offs to make space for my must have treats. Weighing everything is a little time consuming but it is motivating because I was actually eating not enough of certain things just based on eyeballing. The cost plus the fact that you have a coach for checkins every week keeps me motivated as well.

    5. I am on month 2 of it now-I am somewhat a fan? I think some of the things they encourage you to do (weigh yourself every day, track everything you eat) don’t exactly work for my lifestyle/mindset, I don’t have all that much weight to lose, so it was really a “get healthier habits and hopefully lose the last 5-10 of the babyweight.” I have lost…essentially nothing, but I do find myself thinking somewhat differently (I am going to be just as cranky/upset/angry after that pint of ice cream as I was beforehand), so I have yet to write it off completely. It really does only take 10 minutes a day, but their food tracking part of the app makes me crazy with how stupid it is some times. I like the category approach-didn’t like weight watchers because I could never figure out the Point system, or why certain things were so much more point heavy. Perhaps most importantly, I got it on a super sale on like, New Years Eve, so it was much cheaper than what it was advertised for. I would not pay anywhere near regular price for it though…

  22. Hotel recommendations in San Francisco? Going at the end of the month, looking for under $300/night if possible. Close to restaurants preferred, and we’re willing to Uber/public transit/walk to tourist things.

    1. What part of SF? near union square? the westin st francis is super nice and on a bart stop.

    2. It would be helpful to know where you want to stay (neighborhood). The Palace is my personal favorite (historic and on a Bart stop for easy access from the airport but a little over your budget), but I just checked and the Fairmont has a deal the end of this month through hotels.com ($199/night). The Taj Campton Place is also under $300/month. The Omni is also in your range, but it is in a very “business travel” part of town.

      If you prefer to be near Fisherman’s Wharf, the Argonaut is supposed to be very nice. I also hear good things about the Kimpton Sir Francis Drake (but might be noisy), the Hotel Adagio and the Hotel Nikko.

  23. Can anyone shed any advice on whether to wear a suit? I just recently returned to the workforce after a 14 year hiatus (!) and I’m working for a legal firm that handles mostly low-income clients. I’m meeting with a client for the first time today. Obviously, I’ll dress professionally – but I’m wondering if a suit is too much.

    1. i think you will be fine either way. also – i’m impressed you managed to re-enter after such a long hiatus. any tips?

      1. Thanks! I didn’t intend to return to work as a lawyer so I’m not sure that I’d recommend my path! I volunteered a lot at my kids’ schools – ran the PTA, started the PTA at another school, fundraised, did auctions, etc. I thought I would wind up going into non-profit fundraising. But I found that my legal skills were still useful about 4 years ago. I’m now in a legal field that needs a lot more lawyers – special education law. I have a kid with a disability – that was the unexpected gamechanger (check out COPAA if you are interested – lots of attorney training and support). I’m not getting paid anywhere close to what I was when I left and certainly not as much as my husband in BigLaw, but it is a far more satisfying role to be in.

    2. Can you ask your colleagues? I tend to think a suit is too much, but your clients might expect it if they don’t work with lawyers very much.

      1. I think you need to wear a suit, sheath dress plus blazer, or slacks plus blazer to signal that you take the client seriously. And actual dress shoes.

    3. My MIL sounds like she has a similar job to what you are starting (and also took time out to be a quasi SAHM for a chunk of time!), she dresses pretty professionally for work- mostly ann taylor slacks & blouses, or sheath dresses & blazers. I think she wants her clients to feel they are being taken seriously, even if they aren’t paying.

  24. I just need to complain -I’m packing for a four or five night business trip that involves business meetings (biz casual), attending sporting events, and nightly dinners that are dressy. I am completely overpacking. I’m usually a very minimal packer (I’ve done a small roller for 9 days in the past) but since this is a car trip I’m packing my roller bag and a duffel and my tote and I just feel like a burro at this point.

    1. I’ve done it….with the car trip you can bring your whole closet if you want:) But you will be glad to have options…less decisions to make now about what to wear…you an decide later based on weather, what you’re feeling.

        1. I love this thread because this is my preferred way to pack and travel. Yay for permission of internet strangers!

    2. I often have to travel w/ work boots & a hard hat for field visits (along with all the office appropriate clothing), and always feel like a burro. I have walked through TSA wearing some of it just to be able to do a carry on. When the trip is driveable my whole trunk is stuffed!

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