This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
L'Agence is a great brand to watch for mostly classic, elegant, slightly trendy workwear. This red tweed jacket (also comes in navy) is great –I love the fringe, the patch pockets, and the darts. The jacket is $475 at Barney's. L'Agence Tweed Jules Jacket
A few lower-priced options are here, here (30% off), and here (on clearance), and here's a plus-size alternative.
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Good morning everyone. I posted this over the weekend, but it was pretty late in the day and I’m hoping to get some more responses.
Earlier this week somebody asked about a boring/unfulfilling job with a very good work-life balance. That person was TTC and it seemed like the general consensus was she should stay. I’m in the same boat (boring job, dysfunctional team, ineffective boss but great work/life balance) but not TTC. I’m wondering if that changes the advice at all.
I recently left a big law firm because the stress was killing me. The job I’m at now is in an area I’m interested in, but the work is incredibly dull and requires only about 5% of my brain power. I don’t have enough work to stay stimulated and engaged all day and the work I do have is boring (think, copying and pasting into templates, that kind of thing). There is also a big face-time expectation, so just disappearing for hours at a time for miscellaneous appointments isn’t an option.
I am so bored. It feels like my brain is atrophying. The hours are great, and my stress is generally better. I am also trying to enrich my non-working hours, but it is so difficult to not feel useful or engaged in what I spend 9 hours/day 5 days/week doing.
So … thoughts or suggestions? Do I stay in a job that is intellectually stifling but otherwise has a great work/life balance (when I’m not TTC)?
Anonymous
You look for a new job. Why not?
Mrs. Jones
Look for a new job.
AIMS
Are you planning to have kids in the near future and would like the balance at that time? Is the compensation worth it otherwise – both in terms of pay and time off (e.g., lots of federal holidays and vacation)? Can you do fulfilling things with the door closed? Sometimes I wish I could just sit at my desk and read novels or organize recipes on pinterest – can you utilize your time this way? In general I think a boring job with a good work life balance can be worth it even if the job is dull but I don’t know that I would consider a 9 hour day with lots of face time expectations to be that job given all the other negatives you mention: dysfunctional team, ineffective boss, etc. Personally, I’d find all that stressful to navigate and it would not be worth it to me unless the compensation was really great. But I prefer competence and stress to incompetence and no stress. That said, give me 7-8 hour days with people I liked and the freedom to go for an occasional 2 hour lunch, and I think a boring job would be totally worth it.
Anonymous
+1 This.
After five years in Big Law I would gladly take a boring job with great work-life balance, but the negatives you mention are big ones, especially the face time. You get much more out of a boring job if you have the flexibility to take long lunches for appointments, come in late when you’ve overslept or “work from home” once in a while to engage in your hobbies (or just Netflix). It sounds like you have the downsides of a boring job without the upsides.
Anon
I took a pay cut to come here but thought the lower stress level would make it all worth it. Unfortunately, I’m finding that having nothing to do and being so disengaged isn’t great for my mental health either.
It may even be different if I could just screw around with the door closed, but it’s an open office and I’m in a cubicle (another huge source of dissatisfaction that I thought I could deal with just to get away from the law firm stress), so I’m somewhat limited in my abilities to keep myself entertained.
AIMS, I really like the way you put it – competence and stress vs. incompetence and no stress. It’s really helpful to see it spelled out that way.
AIMS
If I were you, I’d look for something else but as someone else said, only leave for something that is going to be measurably better. So maybe you’ll find something equally unchallenging but you’ll have an office with a door that closes, better coworkers and less face time requirement. Or maybe you’ll end up somewhere that has none of those things but where you’re doing work you like. I wonder if coming from a stressful job in BigLaw and wanting to getaway from that had made you think this job is better than it is (at least when you accepted). Kind of like going from one terrible relationship to another that’s bad for different reasons.
Anonymous
I am in a similar situation to that poster. Low-stress, flexible but boring role in an otherwise high-stress, inflexible and exciting field. If I were not expecting to TTC within the next year, I would absolutely 100% be looking for something else more intellectually satisfying – to a degree. I would be very picky about the type of position I would take (I wouldn’t go from 40 comfortable hours to 80 maniac hours), but I’d be looking for that growth.
Anon
That’s part of my concern, also. I don’t want to be so anxious that I immediately jump into something else that, thought different, may not ultimately be better. I know for a fact my firm would take me back and in darker moments I’ve even seriously thought about it. But that would only solve my current problem, but obviously do nothing to address the reasons I left the firm in the first place.
Anon
*though different (not thought different)
Meg Murry
I would say start updating your resume and exploring what is out there, but in a casual way, not in an urgent “get out now!” kind of way. You don’t want to jump ship from somewhere that is “eh” to somewhere that has its own set of issues, especially if you only recently left your previous job – you want the next job to be a good fit that sticks for the long term.
That said, how long have you been at your current position? Is it boring because you still haven’t ramped up fully? If your day isn’t full, are there projects you could propose to work on? Could you take an online class or learn new software, etc? If your boss is ineffective, are there other openings at the company? Could you find a mentor that isn’t your boss?
My concern would be that once you switch into job search mode you would go from bored to actively disengaged/frustrated, and once you get to “get me out of here!” mode, it’s so easy to fall into a negative spiral about everything related to the job.
Anon
I’ve only been here a few months. I told myself there’s no way I’ll think about leaving for at least a year because I feel like it takes time to really get to know a place. But it’s quickly becoming clear that this just really isn’t a good fit. I’ve offered to take on more work (and more interesting work) multiple times but my boss is very concerned with appearances and fairness so she doesn’t want me working on what seems like “better work” than the people who have been here for 10 years (even though I have the relevant background and a law degree and many of these people only have high school degrees). She’s very concerned about people staying in their narrowly defined roles. I’ve told her many times that I’m not busy and I need more work but very little has come of it. I feel stuck in copy and paste template land.
I absolutely agree with your concern – that if I switch into job search mode I go from somewhat disengaged to “get me out of here!!!” mode. And I still want to try to make the best of this (to the extent it’s possible).
H
Are there other positions available within the company? I was in a similar position a few years ago and was able to move teams. It helped immensely. A good boss makes all the difference.
Pretty Law Belle
This is my job, except I am not compensated to my liking and I am about to have a baby. I am constantly saying I’m getting dumber working here and am always concerned about what I can take from this position to get a better, higher-paying one.
Anon
Thank you all for your thoughts. Much of it is spot-on and has given me a lot to think about. Much appreciated!
Hollis
I responded to your e-mail over the weekend, and my follow-up to the concern about “what if the next place is not better than this one” is to find your next job not blindly, but through someone you know and trust. In other words, reach out to your network and see if you can identify people who genuinely enjoy their jobs and can give you an insider’s perspective. That’s how I got my current position – it wasn’t posted anywhere but I happened to know someone who is a partner at a firm and who actually seems to have a good work-life balance, good perspective on life, etc. I was chatting with her to get her advice and lo and behold, someone had just given notice in my practice area that week. I interviewed and got the job without even writing a cover letter. I knew it was going to be better (but not as stressful as biglaw) and that assuaged my concerns. I wouldn’t necessarily wait for a year unless you need to (because you need to pay back moving costs, etc.) It’s a bad fit and you are unhappy – everyone can afford one short-term stint on your resume. Good luck!
Anon
Thank you! It is very helpful to hear your story. It gives me hope :)
Anonymous
Does anyone work for a Japanese company? (Either head office or overseas unit). What advice do you have for someone considering a job offer from one?
Anon
I am Japanese and have worked for both Japanese and non-Japanese companies. (As in any other country) the comapny culture varies according to size, industry and the location of the Japanese headquarters, so there isn’t really a way to answer your question without more detail.
Semi-nonymous
I worked for the US arm of a Japanese company that was an automotive supplier for 5 years. The Japanese automotive industry is a very intense environment. I can’t speak for all Japanese companies, my company was especially dysfunctional because of the combo of insane expectation from the automotive customer, intense Japanese managers that seriously did nothing but work and sleep (and not enough sleep at that) and a really crappy (American-managed) HR/CFO that had an “everyone is replaceable” attitude. So take what I say with lots of grains of salt.
Things to watch for (probably valid for any satelite non-headquarters location, whether Japanese, European, etc);
-How much of the decision making is made at the Headquarters vs your location? In my experience as a supplier to the 2 Japanese auto makers that have the biggest presence in the US, one of them is more decentralized and pushes local control (but that often means that even the different US locations aren’t consistent with each other, let alone to the headquarters) and the other had almost everything going through corporate in Japan. That meant a ton asynchronous emailing and/or late night conference calls, and a lot of decisions being handed down from on high – but it also meant that when there was often an expert to call on for each specific problem.
-How much of management is from the US and how much is rotating managers sent from Japan on a 2-7 year contract? How much work are you going to have say on , and how much is rubber stamping decisions already made at headquarters? Are those managers coming in on 2-7 year contracts going to make good long term decisions, or are they going to make hurried decisions that increase the bottom line short term but hurt long term so that they look good (and can get a good next assignment) when they go back to headquarters?
-Sexism was a major problem. Every single one of my Japanese managers/co-workers was male, and every single one had a SAHW to handle all household responsibilities. It was baffling to them that I was planning to return to work after having a baby.
-Politeness, respect and hierarchy are HUGE. There is a lot of round-about conversation for negative feedback – not direct at all. It took me a long time to learn that “Hmm, let’s think about that” actually was my boss’s way of saying “Nope, not going to happen”. Along the same lines, I almost never got direct orders – again, it took some time for my American counterparts to teach me that when the boss said “Maybe you should do X” that I should interpret that as an order.
-Facetime is a huge deal, as is loyalty. My boss routinely worked from 7 am-8 pm 6 or 7 days a week, and that was when things were going smoothly. There is still the “work for one company for your entire career” attitude at the biggest name places, although that is starting to shift a little.
-There is a huge culture of continuous improvement, and doing things faster and better than last time. Which can be exhilarating when things are going well – and exhausting when they aren’t. There was a lot of “well, we pulled this off in 18 months last time, so this time the deadline is 16 months”. Because I worked for a small company (but was a supplier to one of the major companies) and because it was so intense, my 5 years at that company was like the equivalent of 8-10 years for my peers at less intense workplaces. But it was 5 years of stress and exhaustion, and my pay sucked.
-Ethics at my company were a joke. There are 2 ways to achieve the perfection programs like Lean 6 Sigma or Just-in-Time push – one is to do the hard work of tightening up your systems, and spend the time and money on equipment and training. The other way is to encourage data manipulation, straight up lying, or editing records after the fact.
Personally, I’m glad to be out of the automotive industry because it is just soul sucking overall – and being on the supplier side is even more so, because you are constantly being squeezed. My counterparts at the auto maker seemed much happier and better compensated – they worked insanely hard, but appeared to be rewarded for it, and they made excellent careers for themselves. My counterparts at the competitive suppliers were like me – overworked, underpaid, and 90% of us jumped ship to a more lucrative, less intense industry after 3-10 years.
In considering an offer, can you look to LinkedIn and talk to people that have been there
AIMS
This shade of red isn’t my personal favorite (I always feel like a Ferrari and not in a good way), but I love that Rebecca Taylor navy blazer. Unfortunately, I don’t consider a $332 blazer to be a particularly lower priced alternative to a $475 one.
Bonnie
I love the red blazer but none of the alternatives are similar at all.
NYNY
Me too, but the red isn’t available until September. It’s a pre-order. :(
NC?
Driving down from DC for a Saturday afternoon wedding in Ralegih/Durham in North Carolina. It’s over the July 4th weekend and would like to make it into an extended trip. Is there any place along the way (or not too far away) to visit for 2-4 days?
Anonymous
A couple of hours from Raleigh will get you to the beach or the mountains. Pick your flavor and enjoy!
EB0220
You could stop in Richmond on the way or veer slightly off track and hit the Harrisonburg/Charlottesville/Nellysford/Blue Ridge Parkway area in Virginia. If you like outdoorsy stuff, Uwharrie is only 1.5 hrs from the RDU area and very pretty (but not too many amenities). Any other mountainous areas are probably 4-5 hours away (near Asheville). Those places are nice, but it seems like a lot of driving in addition to the main drive from DC. Beach is probably also 3-4 hrs depending on where you go. What kinds of things do you like to do?
Iliana
Wilmington Beach is only a little over 2 hours away and a good option.
NC bred
Do you need/appreciate furniture? Drive an hour past Raleigh and go furniture shopping in High Point.
Anon
Asheville!
Anonymous
95 will be madness. Make sure to add extra time for the drive.
Bonnie
95 will be a mess that weekend. You could go to Asheville then come back to DC up 81 and miss some of the craziness. Luray is also a nice spot to visit if you’re coming back that way.
Anonymous
My in-laws were here this past weekend and my father-in-law deliberately threw a stuffed toy at my small dog’s head and laughed when she acted terrified. I don’t think she was physically injured (the toy was soft and she didn’t yelp or anything), but she was clearly petrified and acted scared of her toys for a couple hours and of my FIL for the rest of his stay. I’m less upset about the fact that he threw the toy (he said he thought she would duck) than about how amused he was after the fact, and that he seemed to find her terror absolutely hilarious. That seems almost sociopathic to me, laughing about how you’ve hurt an animal. He’s a generally cruel, vicious person who says unbelievably hurtful things (especially to my husband) regularly but I’ve never seen him be physical with a person.
How would handle this going forward? Is ensuring he’s never again left alone with the dog an ok solution (my MIL, husband and I were all in a different room when this happened)? Would your answer change if there’s a baby in the mix, which there hopefully will be soon?
Anonymous
Wow. Ok. I’m in a very different space than you. He wasn’t laughing about hurting an animal!! You just said the dog was not hurt.
I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill because of his general bad behavior. Throwing a small stuff pet toy at said pet and being amused is simply not sociopathic at all. That’s not your preference, but it’s not crazy either. I don’t see what the baby has to do with anything. If you hate him, don’t invite him over. But don’t make this the excuse.
Anonymous
I disagree – I think OP is right to be disturbed by throwing something at animal (vs to the animal in an attempt to engage in play). Definitely a lack of empathy. No significant concern re baby as many people view animals very differently from children. If your instincts tell you to not leave him unsupervised with baby, then trust yourself. Learning to trust your instincts is a big part of parenting.
kids?
I disagree too. He was amused at the dog’s fear not physically hurting her, but that’s not really okay either. I would make sure this person was never, ever alone with my dog, small child, or anyone vulnerable whom I love.
OP
Look, I am not a dog person. I have never had a dog. I never pet dogs. And even from that perspective, I think your FIL acted like a jerk. He sounds awful. No alone time with the dog!
Anon
NOT OP. Ugh sorry – we need the edit function back!
CountC
Your FIL sounds terrible. I wouldn’t want to spend much time with him regardless of the animal issue. I would not be comfortable with this person staying in my house and, assuming your husband supports this, would find a good reason for them to stay at a hotel next time they visit and not leave him unsupervised with animals or children.
OP
Unfortunately it’s hard to find a reason for them to stay in a hotel unless we say point blank “we don’t want you staying with us.” We have a home with plenty of space for guests and they have stayed a couple of times before so it would be a departure from the routine for them to stay in a hotel and would require an explanation.
Anonymous
I mean, I’m the one who doesn’t think this is a huge deal, but if you do that’s exactly what you say! Stay in a hotel next time. You can’t respect our house rules so we don’t want you staying here.
CountC
Yep.
Anonymous
Does your husband want to ban his parents from the house? Because if he’s not on board with it, then I don’t think this is a winning position for you. Can you sequester the dog in another room? Have a friend/family member/sitter take the dog for a couple days?
(Former) Clueless Summer
(Ugh, this posted below by accident). This is from a place of being absolutely obsessed with my furbaby (a small dog) and probably overly protective of him, but I think you may be overreacting to this. We’ll often throw soft stuffed toys right at our dog (in the hopes he’ll catch it in his mouth) and if it bonks him on the head, it’s pretty funny…like a doggy derp moment. It’s the same thing if we toss him a treat and he drops it. If he was laughing because she was scared of him…that’s a little sociopathic, but the way you describe, he seemed to just think it was funny because she didn’t duck.
I mean, clearly the bigger problem if that you don’t like your FIL and he is cruel to your husband, but that is your husband’s battle to fight and boundaries to put up (with your support of course).
Wildkitten
+1. Also I think the reason you are overreacting is that you are imaging him being a sociopath to your future human babies, which I think is completely understandable and something you should be prepared to deal with when the time comes. I wouldn’t want my babies to be with a cruel, vicious person, physical violence or not.
OP
Appreciate the perspective. I’m definitely in the “my dog is my baby” camp so part of why I asked this is to see if people thought I was overreacting. I do think he found her fear funny. For the rest of the evening, anytime anyone picked up one of her toys, she ran away and cowered in fear and he was laughing about that, not at her lack of reflexes in the moment. We definitely laugh at her klutziness from time to time and I agree that’s totally different.
Anonymous
Completely agree with Formerly Clueless Summer.
anon
I’d agree more if the dog weren’t scared afterward. The toy & treat throwing in Formerly Clueless Summer’s case doesn’t seem to prompt the same reaction, and I bet if it did, she’d stop doing it.
Anonon
I think this all comes down to intent. If my FIL purposely pegged my dog with an object, I would be annoyed. If my FIL tried to toss my dog a ball and have the dog catch it in its mouth and the ball hit the dog in the face instead, I would laugh.
I think the same actually holds true if you replace dog with human.
CHJ
If he’s a cruel person who says mean things to his son AND thinks it’s hilarious to scare an animal, then yeah, he’s a nasty, horrible person who shouldn’t be left alone with vulnerable creatures, whether they are dogs or babies. I would have no qualms about drawing this boundary, full stop. Your pets/children rely on you to protect them, and that includes protecting them from this person.
Jules
I agree with the OP that this is concerning. He’s a “generally cruel, vicious person” who took enjoyment from the fear of a sentient being. My late FIL was very much like this and we broke off contact with him for about two years when DS was a toddler after FIL screamed invective at me when I advocated for his wife on a very minor issue; we did not think he would physically hurt anyone but didn’t want DS to be around that behavior. (FIL certainly had been physically abusive to his children and spouse for many years but by this time he was in his late 70s and in ill health and not capable of very much physically.)
Your FIL probably is unlikely to hurt a baby just for fun, but I would frankly have concerns about him shaking a crying baby or the like. I would not ever have him as the sole caregiver for the child, and would probably also talk to MIL to make sure he is never alone with your future child.
Dulcinea
A lot of dogs are trained to catch toys tossed their way as part if a game. In my experience even an untrained dog would find tis playful and not terrifying. I think I would find it a little funny to see a dog react this way (like , awwww silly puppy!) It sounds like you have other issues with the guy but this example doesn’t seem bad to me. Definitely don’t leave a baby with someone you don’t feel safe with. Talk to your spouse about whether you can completely stop inviting him over or st least minimize visits. Also, remember that “reasons are for reasonable people” so if you don’t want to have him over just say that, don’t bother trying to get him or anyone else (except your spouse since this is a joint decision)to agree with your justification, whether you want to use the dog or any other reason. if you absolutely must try to justify yourself use the fact that the guy says cruel things to your spouse, not this story about the dog,
Wildkitten
Love this – “reasons are for reasonable people”
Anonymous
It sounds like you dislike him based on previous interactions for good reasons. If you dislike him, you dislike him. Talk about it with your husband. Throwing a soft toy at a dog sounds like a game of fetch, though? Maybe he thought it was strange that your dog would be afraid of fetch? It is bizarre that your dog would be terrified, maybe I am missing something.
Anonymous
Yeah like I don’t think I’m evil or anything but I’d do this and be amused. Dogs are funny!
anon
Yeah, I would too, but if the dog got all terrified afterward, I’d stop doing something that obviously scared her and I wouldn’t find the fear amusing. Beyond “awww, silly puppy.”
CountC
Based on the OP’s comment below, her FIL portrayed it as him throwing it to purposefully hit her on the head (thinking she would duck), not as a game of fetch. I don’t know how much information the FIL knows or cares to know about the dog, but I wouldn’t throw anything at a dog’s head for the purpose of hitting it nor would I throw anything near a dog I didn’t know well because I didn’t know it’s background. Perhaps it is a rescue dog that came from an abusive situation or bad training where it was hit and that’s why it was so scared?
Either way, to me there is a difference between throwing something near a dog to play fetch and throwing it purposefully at it’s head for for your own personal amusement. The former is fine (assuming no bad background), the latter is not.
CountC
Oh edit. I miss you.
Anonymous
My BF chases our cat around with a mini version of a nerf gun. The cat always looks perturbed when he starts, but quickly gets over himself and tears up the house chasing the little balls all over the place. And of course exacts revenge on my BF. It’s their guy time.
If your dog is “petrified” as a result of getting bonked in the head with a stuffed toy then you should probably get its anxiety issues treated by a professional. Alternatively, are you sure the dog was actually scared because of the incident, and not because it was picking up on your distress?
OP
It was definitely a reaction to the incident not our distress. As someone guessed above, she is a rescue who was abused in the past and is generally a timid dog, but she definitely would not have reacted this way if my husband or I had thrown a toy at her head. She doesn’t know my FIL (this weekend was the first time they’ve met) and is generally wary of people she doesn’t know (especially men). You can’t really compare this to what your BF does to the cat because this kind of interaction with an owner is totally different than with a stranger.
Anonymous
If you know your animal is emotionally fragile because of past abuse, you should (1) make visitors aware of that; and (2) keep the animal away from, let’s call them “excitable” people, whether they’re jerks or just never learned what gentle play looks like. I don’t think anyone did anything wrong here, but this incident gave you some valuable insight into your dog’s behavior. The dog gets very scared very easily. If FIL (or an excitable child who doesn’t know how to play properly) had cornered the dog, the dog may very well have lashed out due to fear. Don’t brush off this incident as, FIL did something wrong; instead use it as, how do we make sure everyone in our home is safe and comfortable.
OP
Nah, we’ve had her for quite a while and she’s been around plenty of kids who’ve lunged at her and tried to pull on her tail. She doesn’t “lash out” or act aggressive in any way, she just cowers in the corner when she’s scared. I’m really not interested in getting in a debate about my dog’s behavior or whether she needs anti-anxiety meds (which, yes, we’ve discussed with the vet and the conclusion has been no). Suffice it to say, I know her a lot better than you, she is under the care of a vet, and she’s not terrorizing the neighborhood. Like a lot of rescue dogs, she’s fearful around people she doesn’t know but it doesn’t mean she’s a threat to anyone.
And like I said, I don’t think FIL necessarily did anything wrong by throwing the toy at her. I do think he was trying to play in his own (kinda dumb) way. But I think laughing about the fact you caused an animal to be scared is cruel, no matter how you slice it. That’s what I think is wrong about his behavior (and for the record, he knew – as all our house guests do – about her timid personality).
Wildkitten
Protect your dog from kids who pull her tail! That’s on you, OP!
OP
Oh, we do! I just meant that we know she doesn’t bite or act aggressive when “excitable” strangers try to play with her. She definitely has more mental issues than the average dog, but they don’t manifest themselves as aggression.
Anonymous
OP, you asked for other people’s takes. Lots of us are telling you based on the information you’ve provided that you’re overreacting to what this incident means about your FIL. He might otherwise be a bad person, but we’re not getting that here. You are getting very defensive about this.
OP
Sorry if I came across as defensive. I appreciate the comments that I may be overreacting re my FIL. There’s a lot of backstory (re his past behavior that has nothing to do with the dog) and clearly that’s coloring my opinion and this incident with the dog is not as big a deal as I thought it was.
But, yeah the comment telling me my dog’s reaction was unreasonable and that her anxiety needs to be treated by a professional or she’ll hurt people – coming from someone who is not a vet and has never met my dog – pissed me off. I’ll own that.
OP
I appreciate all the comments. I’m sure my reaction to the situation is colored by my dislike of my FIL. His nastiness is mostly directed at my husband so although I find him repugnant, I don’t feel like it’s my place to ban him from our home. I wouldn’t personally have a relationship with anyone who spoke to me the way he speaks to my husband, but my husband wants a relationship and that’s his decision to make as a grown man. I don’t generally visit my in-laws (husband is of course free to go visit them whenever he wants) and they don’t visit us that much (normally once or twice a year for a few days each time). FIL is generally an unpleasant house guest (demands to be waited on, puts his feet on furniture) but that’s pretty run-of-the-mill stuff. I’ll deal with his visits and make sure my animals and future children are exposed to him as little as possible and not left alone with him.
Sarabeth
Your marriage, your business – but I would absolutely not be OK with having someone who is as unpleasant to be around as your FIL as my houseguest on anything approaching a regular basis. Nor would I expect my husband to host someone like that on my behalf. That is what hotels are for. In my opinion, it’s “my place” to ban anyone from my home except my husband and kids. It’s my home, I get to veto jerks staying in it if I want to! It sound like your husband wants to avoid having an unpleasant conversation with his father about why they have to stay in a hotel – but he’s avoiding that at your expense, which is not cool.
OP
Yeah, that’s generally my philosophy too, except that in general my FIL lashes out when he doesn’t get his way. So even though he’s an unpleasant house guest, it’s overall 100 times more pleasant to appease him by letting him stay in the house. He’s certainly not fun to have around the house, but he generally isn’t terrible (like I said, other than the dog thing the worst thing he did this weekend was putting his feet on furniture and b!tching that the tuna I grilled was overcooked, which is pretty generic rude in-law behavior). He would get horrifically vicious if he were told to stay in a hotel and tell my husband he’s a terrible son, etc. It’s a lot easier on my husband and MIL to give into his demands, including his desire to stay with us. I realize this is rewarding his terrible behavior, which I don’t like, but I care about my husband and want to spare him the brunt of my FIL’s anger to the extent I can. This is probably a terrible thing to admit, but I’m really looking forward to life after he passes away and we can actually enjoy visits with my sweet MIL (who gets along just fine with my parents, so we can host them all at the same time).
CHJ
Look up narcissistic personality disorder. Lack of empathy, picking on the vulnerable, everyone dancing around to appease him or face his wrath… Unfortunately it’s a very difficult disorder to cope with as a family member, especially a one-removed family member like a daughter-in-law, but reading up on it might be helpful.
Anon
Mirroring CHJ at 1:07’s concern….
Even if he isn’t actually full-on NPD, he could have some of the traits. Do look up narcissistic personality disorder and see whether some of it resonates with you.
Do not be argued out of your gut feeling on this by well meaning, well-intended people who reason out why you are overreacting.
Don’t ask me how I know this….
Anony
I’d put the “laughing at the dog cowering” think in the wait-and-see category. People do laugh when they are uncomfortable, and it would be within the realm of normal for someone who inadvertently scared the heck out of your rescue dog to try to laugh it off.
Being cruel and vicious to your husband is a different story, at least in terms of the potential baby. My MIL and SIL can be pretty awful to my husband, particularly on weight-related matters, and I have a zero-tolerance policy for weight comments directed at the children, or for cruel things said to my husband in my presence. I don’t make a big deal of it, but I will directly say, “That’s a mean comment, so stop,” or “We don’t allow people to talk about the children’s weight.” My inlaws won’t defy me to my face in my house, so that usually settles the matter. I figure the kids need to see that these things aren’t okay, but also that you can set firm boundaries without the universe exploding or your relationships being destroyed.
Peach Pye
They would never be invited to my home again. Period
Anon
Ditto. OP, I am completely on board with your perspective. And frankly, I am surprised that so many people believe you’re overreacting.
Two Cents
Can anyone recommend a comfortable pair of open toed sandals? Preferably no heel, and one that I can wear with casual skirts/dresses on the weekends. Any color is fine but bonus if it’s silver/gold.
X
I’ve been living in these gold sandals since I got them last month:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00LMJ9W3Y/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I bought the gold
interesting twist
stuart Weitzman used to make a short (ie, not up to my knee) gladiator sandal in gold that is the most comfortable sandal I’ve ever owned. I don’t see it this year, but they have something called the “romanflat lace-up flats” that looks like it would fit similarly.
Gigi
I have been really pleased with my cobb hill sandals. They don’t require breaking in, are comfortable and supportive enough to walk miles in and have held up well over the last two summers. I have the Ireland style in pewter, but they have many different options that are open toed in metallics. Also available in different widths.
AIMS
I love my Kork Ease sandals on weekends. Mine have a small chunky heel and I have another wedge pair, but they come in flats too. And even with a heel they are so incredibly comfy even for miles and miles of walking, which is what I do when I wear mine.
AIMS
Oh and forgot to add: they come in lots of metallics.
Anonymous
+1, I loved my Kork Ease that I basically wore into the ground. Must get around to replacing them.
Anonymous
Ecco Flash sandals are heaven. They come in several styles and various metallic colours. I wear a 7-7.5 and am reliably a size 38 in these every time.
Laura
Sam Edelman Gigi is a classic. I have it in 2 colors.
Two Cents
I should have added, I need one with a strap in the back, so that my foot doesn’t keep flopping back and forth.
Shayla
http://www.dsw.com/shoe/kelly+.and.+katie+haylee+metallic+flat+sandal?prodId=347888
Senior Attorney
I love this!
FYI
If I’ve loaned you a *not inexpensive* accessory for an event two weeks ago and I finally ask for it back, the correct answer is not, “when do you need it by? I have to find it.”
Ugh.
Wildkitten
Different people value stuff differently. I learned that living in a sorority house… This is a good educational opportunity to know not to lend your stuff, or not to lend it that friend.
Monday
Yeah, I do not lend out anything that I absolutely want/need back, including money. I’ve noticed that people have very different understandings of what it means to borrow something, and the timing and certainty of returning it. I think my mom would be the only exception I’d make to this policy.
Wildkitten
I’ve also found people who are careless about possessions are careless about all possessions and people who are careful are careful. So don’t assume someone else will treat your stuff better because it was expensive to you.
(Former) Clueless Summer
This is from a place of being absolutely obsessed with my furbaby (a small dog) and probably overly protective of him, but I think you may be overreacting to this. We’ll often throw soft stuffed toys right at our dog (in the hopes he’ll catch it in his mouth) and if it bonks him on the head, it’s pretty funny…like a doggy derp moment. It’s the same thing if we toss him a treat and he drops it. If he was laughing because she was scared of him…that’s a little sociopathic, but the way you describe, he seemed to just think it was funny because she didn’t duck.
I mean, clearly the bigger problem if that you don’t like your FIL and he is cruel to your husband, but that is your husband’s battle to fight and boundaries to put up (with your support of course).
AIMS
I would throw stuffed toys at him from here on out. But that’s me.
Otherwise, how do you know what happened if everyone was in the other room? Assuming this happened as you describe, I wouldn’t leave him alone with dogs or babies and I might now leave him and MIL alone with dog or baby either if MIL is likely to allow this sort of behavior to occur. You say that he’s a cruel vicious person. Assuming this is true I’d probably limit my exposure to him generally.
OP
I don’t actually know what happened, but I based my comment on his description of what happened. He announced that he threw a toy at her head, he thought she would duck but she didn’t and it hit her in the head and “now she seems scared hahaha isn’t that so funny?”
Ellen
Kat, sorry to be late, but I was out in court today. Great jacket, but pricey!
As for the OP, Trust me, he is a bully. My uncle Fred was like this, and my dad banned him from our house when he found Fred shaking our parrakeet cage. Guy’s like that have issue’s that they need to feel surperior so they take it out on helpless animals. Mom think’s they are also sexueally stunted, tho Fred has a wife. FOOEY on men like this! DOUBEL FOOEY!
plum
I’m pretty new to therapy but think I might need a new therapist.
I posted on Friday about potentially meeting up with my ex-boyfriend. Commenters unanimously said “cancel this meetup and cut off all future contact…it won’t do you any good and you have to move on.”
I met my therapist that afternoon hoping to reinforce those actions, told her the same story I told in the comment thread, and said I wanted her to be more proactive/directive with me. Her response to the situation was: “do what feels right to you, there are no wrong or right answers. Maybe if you meet up with him you’ll feel more of a sense of closure.” In response to my saying I didn’t want to let him go, she said basically “maybe you can be friends with him now, or maybe you’ll need to have a period of no contact first. What do you think?” I feel like she was just dangling the easy choice in front of me instead of telling me to do the hard thing.
I think what Killer Kitten Heels said Friday was right, that I need a more proactive therapist, not just a time to I spin my wheels talking about my emotions until the next week, where I feel the same. I need someone to challenge me. Every week all I’ve said is “I miss my ex,” and she tells me it’s a normal part of the grieving process. She certainly never asked a question as provocative as “why were you willing to settle for this relationship that wasn’t meeting all your needs?”, which strangers here essentially asked me (or told me) right away.
So what’s the best way to find a more proactive therapist who will point out when I’m being an idiot and push me toward figuring out why? Is that actually something you can expect from a therapist? Also, if you have any recommendations for doing this NYC (resources, tips, or even specific therapists), would love to get them.
(Finally…am I being too hard on current therapist? Were her reactions actually reasonable? I like her personally and I know so little about this world, but I truly found her remarks unhelpful and told her so.)
Anonymous
Oh hai did you cancel the meeting with him tho?
plum
Yeeeeeees, but I said I needed some time to think instead of “don’t contact me again ever”. Then I promptly cried all weekend. And my therapist’s permissiveness made it a LOT harder for me to do it. Anyway, thanks for asking!
Sydney Bristow
I’m proud of you for not seeing him.
plum
Thanks a lot. I appreciated your comment last week.
Anonymous
In my past experience, I think friends (or forums like this one) are more likely to give you the answers you seem to be seeking. But in therapy, I think practitioners are often helping you learn how to pose the questions for yourself so you can then answer them. If a therapist just tells you what you *should* do but you decide to do otherwise, I think it can harm the professional relationship. The goal of a good therapist is to give you the tools to identify your problems so that you can eventually solve them on your own.
plum
Thank you…helpful perspective, though not quite what I was hoping to hear!
Yeah, I don’t quite know if she is giving me the tools to identify my problems. She seems to think I’m doing fine, just grieving my relationship ending, not that my feelings/actions are reflecting badly on my overall emotional health/capability.
Blonde Lawyer
I don’t know if the sterner therapist exists. I’d be interested to read if other people here have experience with that. I have a friend trying to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship and her therapist acts like yours and it drives me batty. I did some research on it and helping you come to your own right answer seems to be the standard. The book “why does he do that” (about abusive men) suggests that abusive men substitute their thought processes for your own so you get into this unhealthy dynamic of doing what you are told. The therapist doesn’t want to supplant that unhealthy dynamic by being the next person to tell you what to do. He/she is trying to help you regain autonomy. It still drives me batty because I’d rather the therapist tell the person to get out of the abusive relationship and THEN work on restoring autonomy.
But, there are other dangers to that approach. There are people who won’t return to therapy because they were embarrassed they couldn’t do the “Right” thing and get out. So they stop going. Or their abusive partner convinces them their therapist is crazy and because the victim hasn’t started thinking for herself yet she believes him. With my friend, I’ve wanted to lay down the law and say “that guy is not welcome in my house.” But, if I do that, the result will be she stops coming over and he further alienates her from me further achieving his objectives. Instead I say “I think he’s emotionally abusing you and I don’t want him here but if YOU want him here, you are welcome to bring him.” And she does.
She finally came to her own conclusion that she needs to go no contact and maybe it will be more successful because she decided that herself rather than us forcing her to do it. I don’t know.
Senior Attorney
Yes, I think this is right. The therapist wants you to come to the conclusion yourself. It’s maddening, but there you have it.
Also, have you discussed this with your therapist? I think it could be helpful to talk about why you want her to be more directive towards you. If it were me, I’d be sitting in the session saying “But everybody on Cor p o r e t t e says I should just have no contact and cut him off! Why aren’t you saying that, too?!” Her answer might open up some interesting things to think about.
plum
Thanks to you both.
I asked her why she wasn’t suggesting that option (but not that I’d gotten it here), and she asked if what I wanted was her support in making that choice. But what I really want is her perspective on what would be best for me.
Senior Attorney
So press her on that. And it will probably spark a discussion along the lines of “Why do you feel like you need everybody else’s input/ideas/suggestions in making this decision? Why is my perspective so important to you?”
And also, why didn’t you say a big “yes!” when she asked if you wanted support on the no-contact option?”
plum
I often feel like I need/want others’ support in making a decision if I’m not perfectly sure about it myself. I don’t automatically trust my instincts. It’s…probably some kind of deep-seated problem within me, actually.
And I guess somewhat similarly, I want her to confirm that I’m making the right decision, not to support the decision I’ve made simply because it’s the decision I made.
Geez, why is talking to you on this message board more helpful than paying $150 a week for therapy?
anonshmanon
I agree with this. There are good reasons that a certified therapist merely supervises/gently guides the development, but you have to be the one working through the issues.
That is also the difference between a therapist and a life-coach ala Paris Geller. It sounds like you want the latter. But the therapist is not providing this service.
Anony
You got your answer, if you think about it–you wanted your therapist to confirm something *you’d already decided was right for you*. Instead of thinking, “Oh, cool, she doesn’t think it’s as cut-and-dried as the Corporette crowd, maybe I can change my mind,” you wanted her to reinforce your decision. That isn’t her job, though, and the fact that you were looking for her permission means that it’s probably a good idea that she withheld it.
But you should ask her why she keeps dumping these questions back on your lap. Does she think you’re over-reliant on outside advice, or her advice?
plum
Thanks. Uggh, there are so many dimensions to this. I’m sure I am over-reliant on outside advice, but we’ve never talked about it.
I guess in the same way I have trouble making difficult decisions without having outside input, I am having trouble knowing if my therapist is a good/helpful choice for me. Cycle of head-desking…
Anonymous
plum. You need a kick in the pants and a backbone. I came here oohh four ish years ago when I needed one, and I was reluctant to do it myself, so life went ahead and got WAY worse before I started to get my act together. If you’ve been reading here for a while, you may remember my posts. You’re in nyc, so let’s get a drink. Also, my therapist is pretty fantastic. –(former) e_pontellier
plum
A drink and a therapist recommendation would both be excellent. I just set up a throwaway address: plumcorporette at gmail, so I didn’t have to post my real one. Thanks, hope to hear from you!
Plumcorporette
Trying one final time to get this through! Would like to take you up on the offer, and you can reach me using plumcorporette at g m a il.
Meg March
Glad you’re still around and hope everything is going better for you!
plum
Test to see if I can respond to this at all…
Jules
Funny/weird internet dating story of the day:
I’m just wading into this after ending a long marriage and went on my first meet-up yesterday, a coffee date that went well; we talked for over two hours and have a date-date this weekend. But about an hour into it — when for some reason we finally got around to exchanging last names — we realized that we actually had been on a date before. This was when I was an undergrad and he was junior faculty (10 years older than me, not in my department). In 1981.
Wildkitten
Don’t feel pressured to marry him just because this would make an amazing NYTimes Vows column. (These are the unreasonable things I always imagine in my head when I’m in situations like that.)
Anonymous
That’s amazing. Pls write this rom com.
lsw
+1
Anonymous
Amazing! What a great story that would be if it works out. Good vibes for the date-date :)
TO Lawyer
This is hilarious. And awesome! It definitely sounds like a modern love column to me.
Jules
Thanks for the advice, Wildkitten. Not yet considering marriage (he’s a good guy but might have more issues than Vogue, too soon to say), so I don’t have to worry about the write-up in Vows yet(I do love those). But TO Lawyer might be right that it’s a Modern Love column, at the least.
Senior Attorney
OMG I heart this so hard!
Anonymous
Reminds me of Samantha on SATC who slept with the same guy before (at least you didn’t do that!)
Anonymous
I’m feeling really sad about what happened in Orlando. Acts of terror seem to be increasing with frequency, and I feel so awful for all those people and their families.
Anonymous
Me too. I’m in Orlando. It’s been a very difficult morning.
KT
I’m in Orlando–about five minutes from the Nightclub. I’m slightly shellshocked.
Anonymous
I am increasingly numb about it. When these events now happen, I don’t really want to see people’s thoughts and prayers, I don’t want wall-to-wall coverage. I don’t want to learn more about the shooters.
I just want someone in charge – i.e. Congress – to fix gun control. Otherwise we are all complicit.
Anonymous
Yep. Nothing can top the murder of a bunch of kindergartners and their teachers. Once America decided that was the price it was willing to pay for the right to own guns, nothing has fazed me.
Anonymous
Ugh, agreed. I hate living in a world where the idea that someone might shoot up my kids’ preschool isn’t just totally effing loony. (Although I realize it is statistically extremely unlikely)
Anonny
+1 Seriously. I live in a country that has less than 50 gun deaths a YEAR. Gun control is awesome.
Anonymous
+1
As a non- American, I do not get the lack of gun control at all. Gun control works – see every other western country that may have very occasional incidents but nothing remotely close to the same scale or frequency.
Anonymous
+1
Baffled and very sad Canadian here.
Scandia
Very sad European here
Anonymous
Anachronistic interpretation of the 2nd amendment. I can’t help but think the founding fathers would be aghast to see how it’s used in the context of today’s USA. But it’s there, and ignoring the bill of rights is a slippery slope…
Whichcraft
Not to make light of the current situation at all, but your comment reminded me of a sketch I saw pointing out that when the founders drafted the 2nd amendment they couldn’t possibly envision the types of firearms that people would be claiming a “right” to own – as evidenced by the fact that they would probably take one look at our iPhones and declare us all witches. The whole strict constructionist interpretation has always baffled me.
CHJ
I live near Concord, MA, and I get why the Founding Fathers put that in the Constitution. The locals needed their guns to fight against the British. But I’ve also seen those same guns at the Patriot’s Day reenactments, and they take about 5 minutes to load one shot, and they fail to fire 40% of the time. It’s so utterly different that I can’t even. The marathon bombers set off a bomb in a crowd and killed four people. This guy was able to kill 50+. These military-grade weapons are worse than bombs and yet our cowardly politicians won’t even make the tiniest peep about doing something about it. Greedy, greedy cowards. (I am very upset today!)
Wildkitten
I don’t see how a guy with a history of domestic violence on the terrorist watch list buying an AR-15 is part of a well-regulated militia.
Senior Attorney
Right?
lsw
Completely heartbroken. It’s so hard to think of anything else today.
Wildkitten
Yup.
Anonymous
A guy in my office made a joke about it today. He’s straight, a very bro kind of guy. I immediately reported him and he got reprimanded. Feeling justified about that but very sad.
Blonde Lawyer
Following a tragedy, I usually feel compelled to donate but I’m always leery of new funds and charities that pop up in the wake of crisis. I started donating to the Lutheran Charities Comfort Dogs after Hurricane Sandy and Newtown. It’s not a secular organization and their website and emails are full of bible versus and the like. However, when deployed, they go to comfort and do not push their religion. I ended up receiving their comfort after the Boston Marathon bombing and they never asked me about my religion or tried to convert me or anything like that. They just show up with their dogs and let you sit there and pet them and talk if you want to talk. I was really afraid I would never be comfortable going into the city again and seeing that one of my favorite charities was there waiting for people to come sit with the dogs pushed me to go downtown and get it over with. They take the dogs to the hospitals and sit with victims there too. They have a fleet of golden retrievers. Their Facebook is full of cuteness. Each dog has it’s own page. Here is the line up:
http://www.lutheranchurchcharities.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=458&Itemid=121
They are deploying to Orlando too and have a fund to cover their travel cost.
+1
This is a great organization. I support them as well.
Pep
That sounds like a great organization.
I must admit, the expression “a fleet of golden retrievers” made me chuckle. Funny picture in my mind’s eye.
Better Late Than Never
I’m not particularly religious, but given the personal experience you described and the fleet of golden retrievers, which speaks for itself, I’m sold and just donated. I probably would’ve just felt sad about what happened without donating to any charity but for your post. Thanks for taking the time to post this.
Anonymous
What’s really crazy to me is that the vast majority of Americans (I think it’s something like 85%) support expanded background checks but the nutty NRA lobby and all its money has prevented it from happening. Obviously Republicans and Democrats have different ideas of what gun control should look like, but people across the board are really united in feeling that we should be doing something more than what we are and the NRA is blocking it. If we really didn’t have better gun control because most Americans didn’t want it, that would be easier for me to swallow. But the country is so aligned on this issue, at least to some degree, and the fact that we just can’t get anything done about it is so unbelievably frustrating to me.
Bad Blood
I need some advice on forgetting about an old flame. It’s been five years, I’m married to someone else that I completely adore, and we have a perfect little baby. Old flame was a jerk, and I don’t know why I still think about him so often (maybe not quite every day, but definitely several times each week).
Old flame and I dated for two and a half years, during law school. It was a great relationship for about a year. As school became more competitive, it was going well for me and not so well for him. I made law review, got top paper in a couple of classes, won some mock trial competitions. He was a B/C student and never had any tangible accomplishments (which is fine, but I don’t think it was fine with him). We once got in a fight at a restaurant because one of our professors saw us and came to congratulate me on a trial team win, and he actually said “I’m just tired of people congratulating you all the time.” (Ask me why I didn’t break up with him right that second… wish I had.)
After graduation, when he didn’t make much effort to ensure we took jobs in the same city (even though I did make that effort), I realized he wasn’t that serious about our future, and we broke up. It was basically mutual. After about six months, both of us dating other people and living in different cities, he turned up on my doorstep and apologized, begged, etc. He said he was sorry for belittling my achievements and that he now understood it was because he was so disappointed in his own shortcomings. He said a lot of wonderful things about what he thought our future could be, he apologized for not job hunting in the same city, and he said he would move to my city if I would consider giving him another chance. He said he wanted to get married as soon as I was ready but understood that we might need to rebuild for a while first.
I thought about it for a few days and decided that we could date again. For about a month, everything was perfect. We talked every day, and we spent each weekend together, taking turns in each other’s city and helping him pack so he could move to my city.
Then, about a week before Christmas, he disappeared. Completely ghosted. Didn’t call, didn’t answer calls, didn’t respond to texts, could not be found. After two days I began to worry he might be hurt or missing. I contacted his brother, who confirmed he was fine. After three days, I got mad. After four days, I wrote a long email asking for an explanation (which he ignored). After a week, ON CHRISTMAS DAY, he sent me a three sentence email telling me that “I unfortunately see in you the same flaws I see in myself, and their convergence is too much.” So, in sum, my boyfriend of three years at this point begged me to get back together so we could get married, then dumped me. In an email. On Christmas.
Can anyone help me stop dwelling on this? I met DH the following year and can’t imagine anyone more wonderful than him. I have no reason to think about old boyfriend, who is now also married and lives in another city (that he never moved from because he’s a big fat liar). But I do. Mostly negative and silly little things– yesterday, DH and I were driving home, and he mentioned what a pretty drive it was (it was beautiful). I immediately thought of how old flame used to always scoff at anyone who called something a “pretty drive;” “There’s no such thing as a pretty drive; just people who can’t think of anything else to say while driving.” (Collosal jerk, I know.) This happens ALL THE TIME. Why do I still think about this loser? I would love any advice.
Anonymous
Are you thinking about him in a, “I really dodged a bullet there, look how much better DH is than that loser!” or do you kind of agree that “pretty drive” is a dumb thing to say?
Bad Blood
I don’t agree that “pretty drive” is a dumb thing to say– sometimes it really is pretty. Sometimes it is a “bullet dodged” thought. Often, it’s “I can’t believe anyone would treat another person that way,” but I don’t know why it comes to mind so often, five years later.
Anonymous
Is it because you are missing the satisfaction of having been able to dump him when he was so clearly dump worthy? Nothing you could have said or done at the time would have made things end differently/better.
Can you figure out some kind of cathartic ritual to let it go? Write him out a letter on why he was so not worthy of you and burn it with a candle (don’t mail it!). Because, really, you’re #winning and he’s such a jerk that you probably wouldn’t be able to rub it in to him in person that you’re #winning because he’d react in some stupid way.
He’s so not worth your time/energy/thoughts so figure out a way to let it go.
CHJ
Just this morning, I was thinking about my old boyfriend of 12+ years ago. He lives in the Middle East (where he’s from) with his wife and kids, and I live in the US with my husband/kid, we haven’t spoken in years, and for a million reasons we didn’t ever have a reasonable chance for a future together. And yet, I was daydreaming about this pizza place we went to in Chicago that one time. I think there are some exes who just linger with you like that. For me, it’s the more dramatic, fire & ice relationships that really leave an imprint, and it sounds like law school ex was one of those for you.
I think you are setting too high of a bar for yourself by feeling bad that you ever think about this person. Of course you think about him. You spent three years with him, and your brain is full of memories of him that are triggered by random things. It doesn’t have to mean anything that you think of him, and you certainly don’t have to feel bad about yourself or your current relationship just because you find yourself thinking about him from time to time.
Emmer
How did you react after the initial breakup? Did you have a period were you were angry, or were you mostly sad/did you blame yourself? Did you get into a new relationship right away? I only ask because you have every right to be angry, so if you didn’t allow yourself to express that anger before, it may finally be bubbling to the surface. Or even if you did allow that, maybe you just didn’t have enough time to process it.
I do think it’s normal to think about the ex every once and a while, but there’s more processing to be done if it still frequently gets an emotional rise out of you.
Senior Attorney
I’ve been separated for three years, divorced for two, and am getting married in September to the most lovely, kind man in the whole wide world. My ex was just horrible and the “pretty drive” thing sounds exactly like some nasty comment he would make.
And still, multiple times a week something will happen with Lovely Fiance (like this morning when I forgot his cell phone was in my purse and he had to come and pick it up on his way to work, or last week when we were doing a project in the yard and getting along like a house afire instead of fighting), and I’ll think “Wow. This would certainly have been a huge fight with the ex,” or “Man, the ex would have given me the silent treatment for the rest of the day over this,” or “Holy cow — how is it possible he’s not annoyed by me like the ex always was?” It’s getting less frequent (down from multiple times a day!) but it still happens all the time.
I don’t have any advice other than to keep it to yourself (nobody wants to hear about his predecessor all the time — good or bad) and don’t beat yourself up about it.
Jules
I think you’re still hurt and angry – understandably! what a doosh! – and need to process it. Either or a session or two with a therapist or maybe some home-made exorcism rite. Maybe write down all of these horrible things about this guy on little pieces of paper and burn them, with or without sage or lavender leaves. (I don’t believe in aromatherapy but it just seems like it would add to the ritual.)
Pep
I think the problem is that – by resurrecting things and then “dumping” you – he now has had “the last word.” Now, in his eyes (and possibly yours?) the breakup is no longer mutual, he broke up with you.
There is nothing to be gained by revisiting this. Let it go. Enjoy your happy life with the knowledge that he was small enough to have to hurt you to soothe his bruised ego.
Jules
I love this jacket. And, hey, it’s got my name on it!
Still can’t afford it . . .
nylon girl
I love this jacket. And, hey, it’s got my name on it!
Still can’t afford it . . .
anon
My dog seems to need more stimulation, and I can only walk him so much- we spend about an hour walking every day, and he’s not a breed that needs to be out a lot. He likes his kong but I haven’t been able to get him to play with other toys that are more complicated mentally, although I think he’d benefit and enjoy them. How do I teach my dog to play with toys?
cbackson
Is he food-motivated? My dog likes the Nina Ottoson puzzles.
Iliana
Have you tried more advanced training? We clicker-trained our dog, and he responds well to daily training sessions (only 5-10 minutes long really). We try to mix up the order of commands and teach him new ones, and it’s fun to watch him think it through since he is still a puppy. You can also clicker-train fetch.
Maybe your dog simply isn’t play motivated if he is disinterested in toys, but you can still find stimulating games for the pup. If your dog is food motivated, you hide a few treats in a muffin tin with tennis balls covering each spot. Then your dog has to sniff out and locate the treats. You can also play treat hide-and-seek and place them on low-level surfaces around the house, then release the dog to go find them.
Anonymous
Throw them at his head? Too soon?
Do you ever visit a dog park or put him in doggy day care? Other dogs can make good teachers.
Not appropriate at all
LOL but maybe I’m a sociopath?
Anon
I just snorted out loud.
Seattle Freeze
I wrote a whole answer, then realized I didn’t really answer your question.
Anyway! If puzzle toys aren’t working for him, what about training? Doesn’t take a lot of time per session, just 10-15 minutes, and you can work on fun or useful behaviors. Just off the top of my head, we turned Shake! into foot! other foot! for drying off paws before coming inside. Fetch turned into bring it, which turned into Get your collar! before walks.
Your dog might be more into interactive play than toys – try putting him in a down-stay and showing him a ball or toy. Keep him in the down-stay while you hide the toy in another room, then tell him to find it. If he doesn’t know find it yet, hide it in an obvious place at first, then work on harder hiding places. That can lead to nose work, if he shows any inclination toward finding things by scent.
anon
I’m working on training him, but we’re just beginning with that and I don’t think I’m very good! Learning though.
Seattle Freeze
Consistency and repetition are key – and keeping sessions brief so he doesn’t lose focus. If he’s treat-orieinted, exploit that. Once you have the basics down (sit, down, stay), you can start making him work for a living. Time to go out? Sit and stay till you release him. Time to eat? Sit and stay till you say he can eat. Want to say hi to a new person or dog? Sit and stay first. Chatting with someone you meet on a walk? Down-stay till you start walking again. Treat to get it to stick and to reinforce, but eventually these will become automatic and you’ll impress everyone you meet with your well-behaved dog :)
I’ll note that I used these extensively with my very high-energy Doberman from puppyhood until she passed away this spring. She was a dog who thrived on structure and loved, loved, loved her schedule – she knew what to expect and so knew how to behave.
Now, we just have our border collie, who’s smart enough to learn things without much focused training – I just ask him to do something a few times and he gets it – so we’re a bit spoiled in that regard.
Good luck with your pup!
Emmer
Is he a very social? Perhaps he needs more interaction with other dogs than just human stimulation – trips to a dog park, doggy day care, or playdate meetups may be in order.
Best Suits for Tall Women?
Looking to purchase a mid-quality suit, thinking up to $700 for jacket and skirt. I am 5’11” with very long limbs and have trouble with sleeve length. Any suggestions/favorite designers?
Frozen peach
Try Brooks Brothers. Best fit always, great tailoring ability/help.
Anonymous
But do they come in a tall option? Because I’m only seeing regular and petite on the website. And those are not sleeves that you can lengthen.
Anon for this
I really thought they did– call a big store and ask.
lost academic
I would actually say no to BB as much as I like them because I am the same size with similar limbs. The jackets and shirts at BB are just not quite long enough, which disappoints me because I like the look. Kind of the same deal with the pants. If someone else finds a GOOD suit for tall ladies, I’d love to hear about it – I only have lower end options so far (Limited and Long Tall Sally, the latter of which has had a drop in quality of late).
AIMS
I feel like the few times I tried something from Lafayette 148, it was very, very long on me so perhaps it would work for you? Also, try googling this. I remember a post about this a while back.
MJ
BAHAHAHAHA! You think that designers design for tall people. Au contraire! They design for thin people who look tall!
I am not even kidding–if you want a killer suit that fits you, save the money and head to Asia for a great tailor. Or find an amazing tailor here and resign yourself to wearing 3/4 suit jackets that you get altered to look 3/4. You will be amazed at how hard it is for designers to “tallify” suits in the parts of you that are tall–many are too long- or short-waisted.
Here are some Tall Suiting Options. Very few are creative or pretty. Why? Because Talls really only come in “interview suits” 90% of the time.
— Talbots (generally pants only)
–AT
–BR
–LongTallSally (many polyester–their Louben stuff is nicer and sometimes has sheath suits)
–Limited.
Here are some nicer brands that cut long:
–Zara Woman (this is their higher end line–not the regular stuff)
–Ralph Lauren
–Theory (pants only, no jackets)
–LKBennett
–Reiss (bottoms only–jackets tend not to be longish)
–Lafayette 148
–MaxMara (this is really the closest thing to your price point)
–Armani (generally bottoms only, but go to a stand-alone store)
–Facconable (very boxy)
For button-front shirts (most of these cut long, but are not specifically Talls)
–Charles Tyrwhitt
–Austin Reed
–Hawes & Curtis
–Boden (some specifically Talls)
–JCrew (specifically Talls; sometimes–their talls vary widely in how tall they really are)
–AnnTaylor (specifically Talls; do not expect high quality)
Yours in 5’11” Size 12 shoeness,
MJ
PS–Do not ever become a Tall plus. It is horrid. I cannot find anything now that I am 14-16. It is the worst.
MJ
PS – As you may know, JCrew does have Tall-Tall suits (tops and bottoms). But much of the time, their suits are unlined and are designed to prance around catalogs in fabrics that would look horrid if you actually sat at a desk. So they are not on my list.
Anonymous
+1 to all of this.
I would just add Jcrew to the Tall suiting options, at least for sleeve length. I have typically needed tall sleeves, but actually ended up returning the tall sized jackets at jcrew because they were too long and the regular sized jacket hit better for sleeve length.
JJ
Are you me? In America, if you need a suit and are tall, you do not exist if you are over size 14.
Thistle
Austin Reed has gone into administration. Sob.
Diana Barry
Theory? I know their pants are super long, I am 5’8″ and have to get them hemmed. J Crew also has tall suits.
Scarlett
Hugo Boss – I’m 5’9″ & their suits and dresses seem to be tall cut & are in your price point.
Anonymous
2nd Boss as an option. Keep in mind cut varies from style to style with them, so be prepared to try a few before deciding it doesn’t work.
Anne Elliott
Hugo Boss
EB0220
Can anyone think of any ideas for selling a Lo & Sons OG bag? It’s totally new, but I removed the tags and can’t return it. I’m having no luck locally. Ebay maybe? Anyone on here want a deeply discounted OG?
Maddie Ross
FWIW, I’ve bid on them on ebay before, so it’s definitely an option. Price at the minimum you’d take and be willing to re-list if it doesn’t sell.
Anonymous
Do you still have the tags? Maybe you could see if they’ll still accept the return?
EB0220
Nope, tags are long gone unfortunately.
Laura B
What color is it?
EB0220
It’s the Heather Gray exterior.
Annie
How much / what color?
Anonymous
I’d be interested in it possibly.
In House Lobbyist
I buy and sell things on Poshmark a lot. I’m always looking for Lo&Son bags there.
EB0220
Send me an email if interested… eb152031 at yahoo ….definitely will let it go for more than 50% off retail.
bridget
What are you looking to sell it for?
NY CPA
Poshmark
Jitterbug
Update on the issue I was having last week, where a former “friend” cut me out of his life again without saying a word: I took the advice not to reach out to him and tell him he was cut off, but he did message me over the weekend, responding to a message I’d sent him over a week ago and saying he was too busy to say anything before. I brought up the fact that he had removed me on Facebook, and he said he was “just distancing” himself because he felt it was inappropriate to be friends since he got engaged, so he’d deleted my number and waited for me to reach out. Instead of, you know, using his words like an adult.
I told him exactly what I thought about that, and was very honest about how this is just the latest in a history of bad behavior, and I’d decided this was the last straw, and I want him to stay away for good this time.
I did feel a pang of regret at first, until I remembered how many chances I’ve given this idiot and how he’s proven time and time again he doesn’t deserve to take up space in my life. And then went to a bar and danced with my friends. The end.
Seattle Freeze
Your last paragraph is all kinds of awesome – good for you!
Senior Attorney
Nice! Well done!!
KT
So I’m in Orlando and I needed to just get away yesterday, so I went to the rescue farm to hide.
Pegasus saw the farrier and I almost died. The farrier was on his hands and needs and had to use a baby nail file instead of a horse hoof file and it was ridiculous.
Pictures on Facebook at Pegasus the Pony :)
Anonymous
Thank you for the update!! Pegasus should be our official mascot.
Wildkitten
She should do tiny horse therapy at the Center: http://www.thecenterorlando.org/
KT
He does some one-on-one visits, but he’s still awfully young (only 4 months), so he gets scared with lots of people. But therapy work is certainly in his future!
pugsnbourbon
More Pegasus! Thanks for sharing and for the work you do with rescued animals.
dots
I’m a litigation associate at a NY firm and am looking to do some pro bono policy projects. Any tips on where to look?
Wildkitten
http://www2.nycbar.org/citybarjusticecenter/
Cat
your firm’s pro bono coordinator? Be careful taking on your “own” pro bono when you’re at a firm (conflicts!).
Anonymous
Yeah, this. At my previous firm you couldn’t do independent stuff without getting special permission.
dots
Thanks, I would get approval. The firm’s list is lacking in this area.
Artemis
Etiquette question, and I feel like I know the answers I’m likely to get as well as what the right answer is, but I’m asking anyway because I’m interested in taking a poll of sorts. I’ve found conflicting information from a few etiquette resources.
My husband and I have been invited to a black-tie wedding this summer. For numerous reasons my husband does not want to rent a tuxedo. He owns an extremely high-quality well-fitting black suit and would wear it with a white shirt, black tie, and dress shoes.
If it makes a difference, we are not so close to the couple that we would be involved in any formal wedding album pictures.
So, can he do this or is it too gauche?
Anonny
This is totally acceptable.
WestCoast Lawyer
Yes, he can do this (although I assume you mean bow tie and not traditional tie so he won’t look like a member of the blues brothers).
Artemis
Not sure on the tie front yet, good point, he has either option. Does it change your (or anyone’s) answer if the invitation said “Black Tie” and not “Black Tie Optional”?
Thanks!
NY CPA
Black tie optional: What he plans to wear is 110% ok
Black tie: The suit gives me pause. If the bride and groom requested black tie, that’s what they wanted: everyone in tuxedos. The differences between a suit and tuxedo aren’t just the tie. It’s a stiff, typically pleated shirt. Shoes are traditionally patent leather. Pants are a finer fabric with a satin stripe down the leg. A black tie and black suit just aren’t the same as “black tie”.
Senior Attorney
It’s not awesome but it’s not the worst thing in the world. I say go ahead and wear the black suit with a tuxedo shirt and bow tie, unless you have reason to believe the bride will actually notice and be upset about it.
Actually, how about asking the bride? If it were me I’d say “knock yourself out with the black suit and make sure to have fun at the wedding!”
And finally, you can purchase a tuxedo for not a whole lot more than the cost of a rental. And then you don’t ever have to worry about this issue again.
NYtoCO
Yes– my husband bought the tux for our own wedding and we’re so happy he did, with 3 more black tie/optional weddings this year. It was no more than $700 from J Crew and looks awesome.
Avoid notch-collar tuxes.
Cat
Go for it, but I wouldn’t use a black tie (either bow tie or straight regular tie). A black bow tie would look weird with a normal suit to me (as opposed to the preppy bow-tie-with-blazer look). How about a silvery straight tie?
AIMS
+1. I’ve seen plenty of black suits at black tie weddings, and even non black suits; it’s fine. But I would not try to make a black suit look like a tux. I don’t think “black tie” actually means black tie anymore in most places. I think black suit plus nice bow tie would be just fine.
Anonymous
Agreed.
Anonymous
Do you know anyone else who’s attending? Ask other guests, triple check the wedding website (if there is one), and if you can’t figure out the answer then ask the couple.
Fwiw, I went to a black tie optional wedding in a fancy hotel where no one except the groomsmen wore tuxes and I was the only non-bridesmaid in a long gown.
Idea
This is fine. This is what me and my husband do — there was a time ~10 years ago when we had 3-4 black tie events/year for 2-3 years. Husband did buy a cummerband or vest and cufflinks and button cover set to make it look more like a tux. It worked. This is what people do. Totally fine.
You know how on the red carpet for award shoes people always ask the women about what they’re wearing but no one ever asks the men? Yeah, it’s like that in real life, too.
Anonymous
Why didn’t he just buy a tuxedo?
Idea
We were house rich, cash poor. Like now.
He felt like he’d spent all his money on new suits for his new job — for reference, he wore these same suits for 10+ years, ugh.
Plus, see: no.one.cared. so where’s his motivation?
Anonymous
Being respectful to the hosts?
Anonymous
Totally acceptable.
Anonymous
It might depend on the circle you run with, but it has been more common to see suits than tuxes at the black tie weddings I’ve been to – even the fancy ones. Same with long dresses – some people wear them, but lots of people wear cocktail dresses.
Anonymous
Totally fine. FWIW, my husband is wearing a gray suit to a black-tie wedding this summer because he doesn’t own a tux or a black suit. The bride is a good friend and I asked her and she said it was perfectly fine with her. But don’t ask unless you’re prepared to rent a tux if the bride says no. I can’t imagine a formal black suit looking out of place at all.
Anonymous
Of course she said yes!! That doesn’t make it ok.
Anonymous
WOW, you are really hung up on this issue. I know my friends and this is a friend that I have a very candid, frank relationship with. She would absolutely tell me if she had a problem with it. I know that might not be true of all people, but this bride is a pretty blunt person and if this bothered her at all she’d tell me (to my face – one of the things I love about her). If the bride is genuinely ok with it, why is it a problem? Because it offends YOU? Well, you’re not my friend and you’re not going to be at the wedding, so I’m really confused as to why this is such an issue to you. Happy bride and groom, happy wedding! Who cares about anyone else?
(Plus, we’re adding a big chunk of what we would have spent on the tux rental to their wedding gift, so I’m pretty sure if the bride knew all the facts she would REALLY prefer that my husband wear the suit he owns!)
Anonymous
Completely unacceptable. Black tie = tuxedos for men. If you legitimately cannot afford a tuxedo, you wear what you own. If you can, you either dress appropriately or stay home. It’s rude and entitled to flout a dress code just cause you don’t wanna.
Anonymous
Totally disagree. I’ve gone to a few black tie weddings and I’d say at least half the men were in dark suits instead of tuxes. Tuxes were probably the minority, actually. I mean yeah don’t wear khakis and a polo to a black tie wedding, but at least in many social circles “black tie” doesn’t automatically mean “tuxedo.”
Anonymous
Then all those people are wrong.
Senior Attorney
This is why I’m saying “go for it unless you have reason to believe the bride is like this Anonymous at 12:23…”
Anonymous
You must be fun at parties.
Anonymous
At parties I am fun, and properly attired. Because not doing so is lazy, entitled, and disrespectful.
Anonymous
I think Anon at 12:23 is Belle from Cap Hill Style. She has a bee up her butt about “proper attire” too.
Black tie
Not to be a stick in the mud, but actually, “black tie” does automatically mean tuxedo for men. “Black tie optional” means wear a tuxedo if you have one, but a formal black suit is ok too. Regardless of what you’ve seen, that’s what those terms mean, which is why its perplexing to me that someone who doesn’t care whether a man wears a tux or a suit would use the term “black tie.” If you don’t care, say “black tie optional” not “black tie.”
Anonymous
Listen, the Academy Awards are technically black tie and male actors often wear dark suits instead of proper bowtie-and-cumberbund-tuxedos.
For a regular wedding, I think he’ll be fine.
Bonnie
Totally fine, especially with a black tie. I don’t think anyone would care that he’s not wearing a tuxedo, especially if it’s a black suit that will blend in with everyone else. I wouldn’t bother the bride with this question.
Anonymous
wear the black suit but don’t wear a tuxedo shirt or tie. wear a nice white dress shirt, French cuffs would be better, with a wedding tie. (google it)
anon
we had the same dilemma last year. Ended up going with a tux (borrowed) but you know what? a good third of the men there were in plain black or even charcoal suits. Don’t even worry about it.
Sans Parachute
How difficult is it to find employment if you are not presently employed? Circumstances (toxic workplace; unethical practices) are compelling me to give notice at my current position at a small firm without another job lined up. Financially, I will be fine for a bit. Despite the circumstances giving rise to notice, I am confident that my current employer will not provide a negative reference. I plan on moving to another city once I leave this position. Is a geographic move “for personal reasons” a sufficient explanation for a gap in the resume? I’m hoping it will imply something commonly accepted, like a trailing spouse.
Idea
Yes, it will be fine. It might take a little longer, but you can, if you’re so inclined fill in the “gaps on your resumee” with volunteering, paid project work, etc. until you get a FT job, but that’s up to you. A move first takes time to find a job, an employer will understand. I think your reasons and story sound fine and I wouldn’t worry about it now at all.
Anonymous
You should be fine, and the move “for personal reasons “(a very common explanation for moves) should help. People will assume you quit without a job because you were following a spouse or the like. Good luck!
Faye
As a hiring manager in regular Corporate America, I would wonder a bit about your ties to the new city, esp if you’re younger. I like it more when someone says they’re moving “to be near family” or something else that shows you’re not likely to pack up and move back in 9 months when you haven’t made any friends and/or break up with your SO.
I wouldn’t necessarily count someone out because of it, but it would be a tie-breaker if I had enough other people to interview/hire instead.
Long story short – if you have a way to say it’s because of some well-thought-out reason, even if that’s super vague, I would prefer that. If it’s just “I pack up and move away when I don’t like my job” that’s a little more concerning.
Sans Parachute
The move actually is to be near family, so I will be more specific re: personal reasons. Thank you for your insight! And thanks to the posters above for the words of encouragement.
PBD
Hi all! Posted the below on Friday afternoon in the weekend open thread but thought I’d repost again in case others have any thoughts to add. Thanks to those who chimed in already!
Just found out we are pregnant with our first (yay!), and therefore soliciting any and all general pregnancy-related advice! I am still adjusting to the loss of sushi, my normal amounts of caffeine, and deli meat/unpasteurized cheese… I will be 34 at the time of our estimated due date. In particular I am pre-diabetic (due to genetics/family history on both sides) so that is an area of concern for me and I’m working closely with my endocrinologist. First appt/ultrasound with OB isn’t until July 7 so in the meantime I’m trying not to google myself into overanxiety and thought I would reach out to the wonderful ladies here for recommendations/advice. We are also starting to explore daycare options in the west LA/Culver City area, so if anyone has recos to share that would be wonderful (we will need to put the baby in daycare around 6-7 months). Thanks in advance!
Faye
Read Expecting Better. You don’t have to give up sushi if you don’t want to.
EB0220
Expecting Better is the best! Highly recommend.
Meg Murry
Re: pre-diabetic – are you currently on any medications, diet modifications or blood sugar monitoring because of this? I was also pre-diabetic when pregnant with my second son, and had been taking metformin – and continued to take it throughout the pregnancy on the advice of my endo. I also took the glucose tolerance test on the earlier side of the recommended range just in case (failed the 1 hour and passed the 3 hour), and monitored my blood sugar semi-regularly just in case. I didn’t need to modify my diet, although I did try to avoid having only pure-carb snacks when cravings struck – so if I was craving bread, crackers or pasta I would try to have it with some fat and protein as well, like peanut butter, cheese or avocado, etc.
You may want to ask if the OB would continue to treat you if you developed GD (not a guarantee – I didn’t – but your risk may be higher due to pre-diabetes) or if you would be transferred to a high risk specialist, and whether the high risk specialist is part of the same practice or separate.
Congrats!
PBD
Thank you this is so helpful! I am currently on low dose metformin (500 mg) and my endocrinologist has recommended I continue this for now but we will see if I end up developing GD and need to go on insulin (fingers crossed this isn’t the case…). I’m also seeing a diabetic dietitian tomorrow as my endo said she also wants to make sure I get enough carbs since I’m pretty guarded about carbs generally. Have also just started blood sugar monitoring (literally just today). How often did you check it? My endo says 1-3x/day for now but if I see any levels that are really alarming I should let her know ASAP.
Anonymous
I’m 7 months into my first pregnancy and here’s the advice I wish I had been given: 1) don’t feel guilty about sleeping all the time/just generally being more lazy than you’re used to; 2) exercise now while you still can (assuming morning sickness isn’t taking over your life)…now that I’m further along, it’s a lot harder to exercise because of various aches/pains; 3) don’t stress/worry about what’s going to happen with the pregnancy – I’m a natural worrier, and before every OB appointment, I would stress about what my reaction would be if they told me they couldn’t find a heartbeat, etc. – it’s gotten a lot better now that I can feel baby move, so I know he’s alive and kicking (literally) at any given time, but I wish I could go back and unstress out; 4) don’t spend any time (or too much time) on online forums – people are crazy and will write about any little thing that happens to them, it will only add to your stress/worry (see #3). It gets so much more fun once you can feel the little guy and realize that there is a real live human growing inside of you! Enjoy this time, and congratulations!!
PBD
Thank you this is exactly me! (natural worrier/overanxious)
DC Wonkette
I’m the same age as you and am in month eight. Although I’ve had a completely healthy pregnancy, it’s been pretty miserable overall (although worth it in the end, right?). Some advice:
1. Keep up with working out. No matter how terrible you feel, try and do something small every day and keep up your core strength (all of the planks). It will be worth it in the end.
2. If you get really nauseous, as I was for the first four months, ask your doc about drugs but pay attention to the side effects. They were worth it for a period of time but ultimately turned me into a zombie.
3. Don’t stress about all of the stuff you are and aren’t supposed to eat and do. If you feel ok, you should be fine (with some obvious exceptions — don’t do physical activities where you may fall). If you want to eat fish including raw stuff, do it at a high end place and don’t do it very often. If you want a glass of wine, try it (I held off until the second trimester) but be prepared for your tastes to have changed (my fave wine tastes like vinegar to me).
4. Don’t feel like a bad person if you hate the entire process. If you have a great experience, that’s wonderful as well. Everyone has opinions and you should only really care about what your doctor has to say.
5. The beginning (for me) was the worst. I was sick and constantly stressed something would go wrong — it gets better. Being able to feel the baby kick is the upshot further along and makes me feel better.
6. Get on day care lists ASAP. It’s worth it for peace of mind to be on several and see what works out.
7. I mistakenly thought I would be sleeping a ton and get to enjoy my final few months of peace… lies. But I had other friends who got the best sleep of their lives while pregnant. It’s different for everyone.
8. Read enough but don’t go crazy. I loved “Bringing Up Bebe” and “GF’s Guide to Pregnancy.”
9. Babies need a ton of crap. Poll your friends and figure out the essentials, register for as much as you can, and remember Amazon delivers overnight if you really need something.
10. CONGRATS!!
Anon
Read about diastasis recti – – doing planks and other core work can be bad during pregnancy and shortly after.
DC Wonkette
And this is where the advice can drive you totally nuts because you’ll get contradictory views… The only people who know what’s best for you are you and your doctor.
PBD
Thank you! I just had my first bout of nausea last night (woke me up in the middle of the night — what??). Oy.
DC Wonkette
Recommend keeping trail mix by your bed, so you have something to eat in the middle of the night — it’s the worst but you’ll get through it!
Delta Dawn
Congrats! Lots of great responses already, so I will limit mine to what you need (in my opinion).
For maternity clothes (if you work in a business casual office):
– one maternity jean for weekends (I liked Jessica Simpson for this)
– one neutral maternity skirt (I had a black pencil skirt)
– two neutral maternity tanks (Target has great ones by Be Maternity that can be worn with a cardigan for work or by themselves on the weekend– black and white, and I think now they have a grey one)
– five maternity dresses (I liked dresses because they were the least restrictive, and you could wear them with different blazers or cardigans you already have)
– a cute outfit for your baby shower, if you have one
I did not buy any maternity work pants, but if you are a pants person, get one or two of those. You can wear a lot of non-maternity tops and dresses, especially maxi dresses, for a long time. You don’t need as many maternity clothes as many people think.
For baby:
– Miracle Blanket swaddle. You can get this on Amazon. This was the only one that my houdini baby did not break out of. If your baby is tiny, he or she may not fit in this one right away, but after a month, it should work. A good swaddle will buy you lot of extra sleep.
– Diaper Genie or some type of diaper pail. One with good reviews for containing the stink.
– Velcro bibs that you think are cute. I think bibs are really underestimated as a baby gift. The baby has to wear the bib almost all the time, for a while, because they could spew at any moment. My kid was always in these adorable outfits that were topped off with some ratty bib, so I finally ordered a bunch of monogrammed ones from Etsy in fun colors. Velcro is easier than snaps– especially if Dad is trying to help and you don’t want to hear him whine about how his big ole fingers can’t work the tiny snaps… oh wait, is that just at my house? I digress….
You need the other obvious things like a crib, a place to change baby, etc., but like maternity clothes, you don’t need as many baby things as people often think. Good luck and congratulations!!
CKB
Jolly Ranchers hard candies really help with morning sickness. Although you will never be able to eat them again when not pregnant because it will remind you of the morning sickness so bad.
Buy a maternity bathing suit and when you feel enormous go to the pool. The buoyancy of the water is AMAZING on pregnancy joints.
You do you. There are so many opinions out there on what’s best, and many of them are conflicting. Follow your gut and remember there are very few absolute wrongs when it comes to child rearing.
– a mom to 3 older kids (10 to 16 yo) who went through morning sickness 6 times.
ArenKay
This is all great advice. I’ll echo the value of exercising throughout pregnancy to the extent you can, and safely, to help with labor (my husband’s is a pretty serious athlete, and after I delivered our first kid, he said in all seriousness, “Wow, labor really is endurance exercise”). Also, don’t read *What to expect when you’re expecting.* I think every mom I know has a different horror story from that book, which is just way too judgmentally prescriptive. I did find *The Portable Pediatrician* (Laura Nathanson, not the Sears book) really helpful in terms of parenting guidance for the first years.
Frozen Peach
Lucie’s List was our go-to for baby registry advice.
Also, congrats!!! So exciting. I’ll add that if you don’t like your doctor, don’t be afraid to change course. We moved mid-pregnancy and so got to “interview” docs and see the WIDE range of care options available…
PBD
Thank you all! This is great advice.
Looking to move asap
I’m a young associate currently working at a small employment firm and have ~1 year of employment litigation/immigration experience. Prior to this, I was working in a quasi-legal compliance role for a local govt. entity for about a year. I’m barred in TX and live here currently but am looking to move to the Bay Area, CA asap to reunite with my husband who had to move there for work. I haven’t lived there since I graduated from undergrad. But for financial reasons, I cannot join him there without a job. I’m open to anything that is legal and wouldn’t be taking a step back in my career. Ideally, I’d love to go in house and get some type of corporate counsel gig but I know those are competitive, plus I don’t have a lot of experience. I plan to take the CA bar eventually but not right away so I need to search for positions that only require me to be licensed in any one state. Any suggestions? I’m already trying to network via LinkedIn and am looking at ACC and goinhouse. Is there anything else I can try or other types of jobs I should be looking at? All suggestions welcome! Thanks.
Anon
I’d try to do commercial contracts/licensing hybrid roles or look to be a contract manager. That should get you in house and those jobs are in super-high demand at all the tech companies. I find Chris Crowley to be an excellent HH for legal stuff in the Bay Area. You might also look at Laura Boysen-Aragon at Solutus too. Solutus is the firm of “The Lawyer Whisperer.” Good luck.
Other choices–UpCounsel, Paragon or Axiom (if they will take you). You could go solo for a bit.
Ally McBeal
You should take the California bar exam ASAP. In my experience, employers – even in house! – generally won’t look at you unless you have passed or are at least scheduled to take it.
Anonymous
Why not right away? Why aren’t you taking it in July?
Bonnie
+1 take the bar. Nobody will consider you for a legal job in CA with just your TX bar.
Anonymous
I think a lot of in-house employers will consider you without the bar, actually. But you’re awfully junior to go in-house and those jobs are few and far between. Also not to sound like a snob, but it’s hard to go in-house, especially in the super competitive Bay Area without a big firm name on your resume (or something similarly or more prestigious like a federal clerkship or one of the very prestigious fed govt jobs). It doesn’t sound like you have that. Your best bet is going to be going to a firm in CA and then trying to go in-house once you’re living there and built up a network, so I agree you should take the CA bar ASAP.
I’m also not sure what the financial reasons are and believe me I’ve VERY aware of how hideously expensive the Bay Area is, but it’s going to be tough to find a job – even with the CA bar – if you’re not local. Is there any possibility of working remotely for your current employer or doing contract work so you could go ahead and make the move to CA?
Anon
I have a friend who moved to CA to do immigration work. Since it is mostly in federal court and she is barred in another state, I don’t think she took the CA bar. Since you have some experience in immigration, maybe try to explore that further at least to get you in CA and then take the bar and transition to something else?
Hollis
I agree with others here that you should take the bar and get admitted in California, as unappealing as that may sound to you. Also, with your level of experience, I would not go with a recruiter. Instead, I would send your resume (and a cover letter that says you will be taking the bar in July) to just about every firm in the area, but especially at firms that have an employment law practice. Also, how about applying for clerkships for judges or fellowships or positions teaching legal research and writing?
Anyone in Madison WI?
Is 4th of July a good or bad time to visit? My SIL lives there and we want to go visit her for a long weekend. I don’t want to go in the winter and we’d be driving our own car and staying with her so I’m not concerned about inflated flight or hotel prices, but if there’s a lot of traffic or parking problems on holiday weekends that would be good to know. The alternative would be taking a couple of vacation days and visiting on a non-holiday weekend, probably in August.