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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Lian Tapestry Jacket

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A woman wearing a tapestry blazer, light brown top, and cream-colored shorts with a bow

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This blazer from L’Agence is kind of a big swing, but I think it would be gorgeous for a person with a very specific type of job. Early in my career, I crossed paths frequently with lawyers who represented Christie’s and Sotheby’s, and I could see several of them wearing this exact jacket with perfectly tailored trousers and quietly luxurious flats that cost more than my mortgage.

If this is your vibe, snatch this up while you can.

The jacket is $875 at L’Agence and comes in sizes XXS-XXL. 

Sales of note for 6/5:

227 Comments

  1. I’d wear this to my regular old corporate lawyer job without thinking twice about it, though am unwilling to spend $875 on a piece that I could really only wear a few times per year.

    1. Yes, I would wear this in a minute if the color scheme suited me! Although I am also unwilling to spend this much on something I could only wear occasionally.

        1. As a true 00s millennial I LOVE fashion camo. I can’t get over it despite my views on a lot of things associated with camo.

  2. What accounting and document management software does your firm use? I work at a small mid-sized firm (approximately 30 attorneys), and we are looking to upgrade. We currently have a custom-built open text document management system and use Omega (an older software owned by Aderant) as our billing and accounting software. But, it’s getting old and having issues. Our largest practice areas are transactional (estate planning, estates, business, real estate), medical malpractice defense and civil litigation. Our medical malpractice team has used Aderant for several years, but it has never worked properly for us and the search functions in the document management system are not robust enough.

    1. All firms that I or my peers worked about used either NetDocs or iManage for document management.

    3. It’s been iManage at the midsize (similar to you all), large, and small (5-10 attorneys) firms where I’ve worked.

    5. Very similar situation. We moved from Aderant to SurePoint for timekeeping and billing (actually didn’t pick SurePoint but it acquired a few other timekeeping systems including the one we were moving to).

      Had iManage but everyone hated it so we are back in regular old file explorer. If you don’t have it now, take a lot of care with the rollout process and timing and get references from similarly sized clients – we paid six figures to a vendor / consultant who sucked.

      I know of smaller firms in my region that use Clio. Have heard different things on cost but some love the single sign on and time+files in the same place.

      1. Clio’s reports have gotten really awful. It used to be fairly easy to run an IOLTA report, but now? You have to have some higher level of subscription. And it’s nearly impossible to find a fees vs. costs breakdown report for payments. As a legal accountant, it’s just ridiculous. 10+ years ago, it was actually a lot better. I used to use TimeSlips, which was strangely easy to use for reports.

    6. For document management, we’ve had iManage and NetDocs and are now in the process of considering whether we keep NetDocs or try something else. I think we have a group betatesting something called Epona?

      I think a lot of the utility of a document management system depends on how willing people are to agree on standardized naming conventions and subfolders. Which seems to be not very willing everywhere I’ve worked, so robust search functions are key.

  3. I have to bring a book to a book swap party. Any recs? Was hoping to find a crowd pleaser for a group of young forty-ish moms. I know that Stranger has been popular but I don’t think anything divorce related would be popular. Something like the Housemaid but everyone has seen the movie. Also any recs for any lifestyle or cookbooks (can’t decide if it might be better to bring something like that for the non-readers). TIA for any recs!

        1. I loved Gentleman in Moscow but couldn’t get into Lincoln Highway. Will add A Man Called Ove (which I read totally unprepared and ended up ugly-crying on a plane).

          1. agree. like was it supposed to be a fable? and also i generally don’t like the plot device of one thing after another going wrong. i like rules of civility ok but none are as good as gentleman in moscow

    3. Yesteryear, So Old So Young, The Correspondent, Molly Baz cookbook, American Fantasy, Brawler, are all books I’ve enjoyed recently (as a fortyish mom)

    4. There’s a new cookbook called To Die For: A Cookbook of Gravestone Recipes that’s been very popular in my FB cookbook group. It’s quite literally about the recipes people thought were good/popular enough that they had them engraved on their headstone and the people who put them there.

      If you’re located in the south, Rick Bragg’s The Best Cook in the World is a delightful collection of tales about his family with recipes at the end of each chapter.

    5. The Correspondent is my book club pick, and I really enjoyed it. Why do we assume 40-ish moms can’t read something in the literary fiction genre, vs. something trashy?

      1. Was coming here to rec The Correspondent. My book club (30s and 40s) loved it and I gifted it to my mom and MIL for Christmas.

        1. +1 for The Correspondent. Also it’s divorce-related but I really liked The Wedding People. And Remarkably Bright Creatures is amazing if they haven’t read it.

    6. Well the Stranger has been the best selling book for exactly that crowd, I wouldn’t not bring it because of the topic but because a bunch of other people probably will. I’d do Yesteryear or Famesick in the best seller category.

    7. romantic comedy (someone it is is divorced but i wouldn’t say its divorce related) something classic– pride and prejudice or emma? the girls at the kingfisher club? the chaperone?

    8. Yesteryear, or has everyone read it already? Greta & Valdin (Rebecca K Reilly) was really sweet and funny — sort of like literary Schitt’s Creek vibes. I’m reading Dear Monica Lewinsky right now and like it.

    9. Lifestyle – I just devoured “Walk: Rediscover the Most Natural Way to Boost Your Health and Longevity―One Step at a Time” this weekend. I almost never finish a nonfiction book that fast, but it was really really good and I’ve already recommended it a bunch and I can tell I’m not going to shut up about it for a long time. It just came out May 5 too, so it’s a good one that not a lot of people will have read already.

      1. That sounds intriguing, but I’ve grown a bit burnt out on non-fiction books where the central thesis could be an article – I’ve found that so many authors pad the pages to get to 300. Did you feel that this one had enough true content to justify being book-length?

        1. Yes I think so! I know what you mean, but I thought that it stayed pretty tight and built nicely instead of being repetitive.

    10. I just finished Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows by Balli Kaur Jaswal. It was a fun read, not heavy, and also hit on quite a few themes of being women, aging and tension between older and younger women.

      1. Yeah, that confuses me, too. Isn’t the purpose of a swap to bring something you already own?

      2. lol – this is OP and I know but I only read on my kindle! Appreciate all of the recs. I am adding many of these to my reading list! I missed the thread last week but will go back and find it!

    13. Jenny Lawson has a newer book called “how to be ok when nothing is ok”. Her first book “furiously happy” has been a favorite of mine to recommend to people. “A psalm for the wild built” is a short sci fi novella by Becky chambers tends to be something a wide variety like.

          1. I love Becky Chambers, but for a book exchange I’d stick to something more anodyne.

    14. Does it have to be fiction, lifestyle or cooking?

      I loved reading Stoned: Jewelry, Obsession, and How Desire Shapes the World by Aja Raden. It’s pop science about the history of human desire through the lens of jewels and precious stones and how they were linked to (and sometimes shaped) history.

    16. I only ever bring books that I have read and enjoyed, and I don’t worry too much about whether everyone would like it. If I think at least 3+ people would enjoy it, I bring it. Plus, having a good blurb about why you personally enjoy gets far more interest than “it’s a best seller, so I guess a lot of people like it, here’s the media blurb.”

      With that, I can’t recommend any lifestyle books because I don’t enjoy reading those. And the only cookbook I really think is worth gifting is Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat, since people’s tastes and cooking habits vary so widely. But more broadly, some favorites of mine include the Earthsea trilogy by Ursula K Le’Guin, A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle, Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones, Stiff by Mary Roach, The Crooked House by Agatha Christie, Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green, and Don Quixote.

    18. The new Carley Fortune book, Our Perfect Storm, is really good. Also timely since the first adaptation of her books hits Netflix in early June. Her last book was the sequel for that show’s book, but I don’t know that I would read them out of order. The Briar Club is good if you think they’d like historical fiction. The Wedding People is good.

      1. Invite specifically says a book you have enjoyed or a new one that looks good! At our last one, someone brought a stack of books that they hadn’t read yet…

    21. The Island of Missing Trees by Elif Shafak is amazing.

      Everything is Tuberculosis by John Green is quick, illuminating haunting, and shows how we are all connected

      1. I could not finish Everything is Tuberculosis. It was just a bunch of boring, self-important navel-gazing. It did not teach me anything I did not already know about tuberculosis or interconnectedness.

    22. The cookbook, What to Cook when you Don’t Feel Like Cooking.
      I’m halfway through the Art of Lying & am enjoying it, it’s the newest Reese pick. I also liked Best Offer Wins by Marisa Kashino.

    23. Not a new rec, but–A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley is so, so good. It’d be perfect for this.

  5. What are your favorite longwearing lip products? Even with a lip primer, it seems like after a few hours I’m left with a “lip liner” ring and all the color gone from my lips.

    1. I’ve been using the Fenty Poutsicle Hydrating Lip Stain and I really like it. It doesn’t last all day, but it fades pretty evenly on my lips. I like the feel of it better than other stains I’ve tried and it’s easy to blot it after I apply but before it dries to get the right level of intensity.

    2. NYX Lip IV is the best staining gloss that I’ve bought in a long while. It’s hydrating, feels nice on the lips and has staying power. I have the shade “bubblegum burst”, which for me is a my-lips-but-better color.

      1. totally agree – i have bubble gum burst also. i wish it were slightly more muted, but just slightly.

    4. Kulfi lip stain is my absolute favorite. I have never been a lip color person because lipstick fades and in my previous experiences, lip stains are so drying. But this stain is almost more like an oil, so it’s super hydrating and fades very naturally over the course of the day. I might reapply towards the end of a workday if I am heading somewhere after work, but otherwise, it last all day. I used it at an event recently and two other women stopped me to pull theirs out of their purses and we all gushed over how much we loved it. The “sweet” color is my go to daily color (it’s my lips but better).

    5. Late to this one, but I am a proselytizer for Maybelline Super Stay Matte Ink. I apply it, blot it, reapply and then blot again, and this stuff just does not come off. My dental hygienist commented on it once – it did not so much as smudge during a teeth cleaning.
      Color no. 15 is a perfect me-but-better dusty rose (I’m fair-skinned, with green eyes and dark hair) and is my daily go-to; no. 120 is a lovely rosy red, and there are some nice true reds also.

  6. How much do you complain about your job?

    I’m in a group chat with some friends who are always unhappy with their job. Now, this is the group chat to vent in so it could just be that. But its more than “ugh my coworker is annoying” – its anxiety every Sunday, “I don’t want to go to work” every day, “this week will be super tough” every week, “I wish so I don’t have to go to work”, etc.

    I’m not sure if this is just normal commiserating or something more serious. I don’t love working of course but the only time I felt this bad about a job it was not a good fit at all.

    1. Nope, not normal. Unless you think it’s your friends performatively adopting the Sunday scaries because it’s part of the zeitgeist?

    2. A lot of people are in jobs that are not a good fit. And these days, it’s not so easy to find another path. I could be one of these friends, but I try to keep a lid on it for the sake of my relationships.

        1. It’s routine for some folks. It’s not normal in the sense of “okay.” We should probably all stop using “normal” to mean “fine and dandy” in 2026 though. Things that are common can still be pretty bad.

    4. i always say that in my life when i start getting the sunday dreads regularly it’s a sign to move on. i think a lot of people live like this but that doesn’t mean it can’t be avoided…. work is too big a part of life to be unhappy there all the the time

    5. Is this one or two people who just complain in general, or who are highly stressed or unhappy in general? Or is this one or two people who are generally happy, OK, and pleasant—except about their jobs? If it’s the last one, I’d take it more seriously.

    6. It’s probably something more serious, but what can they do? I know I have friends whose jobs are actively draining their will to live, but they need the income and the health insurance. I currently have friends who either actively liked or were fine with their jobs before DOGE, before management decided that AI would make it possible to understaff even though it’s lowering efficiency, or before return to office policies were forced on people who had been remote since they were hired 10+ years ago. These disruptions are affecting a lot of people.

      I also have friends who don’t feel well while dealing with new health issues, so jobs that were tolerable before are now using up much more of their energy. It’s one thing to have a tolerable job and look forward to the rest of the day, but it’s another thing entirely when all you do after work is rest. Working to live feels better than living to work.

      1. This. I’ve been in the same job for 10+ years. It was fine/tolerable/even enjoyable up until 2 years ago. Now, lots of circumstances outside my influence are making it pretty miserable on a regular basis. I’m constantly waiting for another crisis to reveal itself. I’m in my mid-40s and am pretty locked in to the benefits I’ve accrued and the flexibility I’ve earned (and need at this stage in life). I am, frankly, tired and burned out. Moving on is … not so easy.

        1. SAME! I work in Health Policy and work closely with Federal issues. I’ve worked through many administrations and honestly – they all have their pros and cons.

          The last 2 years though… it’s been absolutely soul crushing. It’s been the first time in my career where I’ve truly had no idea what was coming next…

        2. Exact same situation – I think I’m probably this friend in the group chat now. Also been in my job 10+ years and used to really love it. There have been changes to my role that now mean it’s just one crisis after another and I’m burnt out. I used to subscribe to the theory that if you have Sunday scaries that badly it means it’s time to move on but I’m finding it’s not so simple at this stage of my life. I’m appreciative of the friends that let me vent.

          1. Yep, this is where I am, too. It’s rough, and I know my friends can’t relate at all. Neither can my DH, apparently. So I’ve learned to stay quiet.

      2. So they’ve been complaining about these jobs for a long time. AI didn’t help, but it also didn’t make as huge a difference as it does in other industries. They’ve talked about job searching but haven’t done it, and now the market is awful.

    7. group chats can whip each other up so that everyone feels obliged to return similar energy to each other. Are they like this individually or just tossing off ‘ugh I know work is the worrrrrrst’ texts?

      1. They are like this individually. I know “Work is the worrrrrrst” texts are not uncommon but this more drastic/detailed than that.

    8. I would definitely mute or leave this chat as I’ve found it makes me less happy with my own job and a girl has gotta work.

    9. It might also be habitual group dynamics — like, this is what the group chat started doing a while ago, so now that’s what people do.

    10. Are they also always unhappy about everything else? Some people love complaining.

    11. It is relatively normal for people who are in situations where they just can’t easily leave. It may not be a good fit and they know they should leave but they can’t because of money, timing, market, whatever. You would know if these people have been offered other options and are turning them down to keep complaining. But in this market, complaining may be the easy option.

      Do you have to support them? No. Are you going to expect support the next time you have something to complain about?

  7. favorite places to eat in Big Sur, Carmel, and Monterrey for a family of four with older elementary aged kids? Mix of fancy and casual would be so appreciated! We’re going for a week to celebrate a big milestone. My kids are polite and do fine in upscale restaurants. We love seafood and a good brunch spot in particular. Hit me with your faves!! Thank you!

      1. Second the Red House for breakfast or brunch. For upscale dinner in Pacific Grove we like Passionfish and (a little more casual) The Spotted Duck.

    2. for casual, I always loved Black Bear Diner. It’s a chain with regular diner food, but I enjoy the campy bear theme.

      1. I used to live in California and never got the hype around this place. It’s basically IHOP or Denny’s with slightly better theming.

    3. Sadly, my Carmel rec closed (Forge in the Forest). There’s a Swiss-German place in the Pruneyard shopping center that we really like though! Otherwise, Bicyclette is a good choice.

    6. I love Cafe Guarani in Pacific Grove (walking distance to the Aquarium) for a simple lunch.

    7. Carmel – Grasings, La Bicyclette, Mission Ranch, Cultura
      Monterey – Alejandro’s, Dametra, Wave Street Cafe, Alvarado St. Brewery, Hula’s, Whaling Station

    8. I had a really nice roast beef sandwich from the Nielsen Brothers Market in Carmel. Take it to go and have a picnic.

  8. I lost a lot of weight recently and I’m down several sizes. My weight stabilized around September so I spent the winter updating my wardrobe. Now that it’s warm in Boston I need to do the same for warmer weather. I have casual wardrobe down, but I’m really struggling with my professional uniform.

    I’m 41, executive-level at a financial services firm, only woman in the team. Guys wear the predictable uniform of Lululemon ABC pants and golf shirts through the spring and summer. I have pants to wear but I’m struggling with tops, and I frankly prefer skirts and dresses. I long for the days when a rotation of sheath dresses got the job done but I digress….

    FWIW I just paused my Rent The Runway because so much of it was just way too trendy for my taste. I’m pretty classic in style – updated timeless? I’m not trying to be 25 but I don’t want to be a fully outdated elder millennial. I have a blend of Jcrew, Boden, Veronica Beard on rotation currently. I wish I had an anchor 5-7 dresses on rotation to mix in with pants and tops (which I also need). 5’7”, size 8-10 or S-M depending on brand and cut.

    Where do you recommend I look? Where are we shopping for this? What’s your inspo?? Help!

    1. Veronica Beard, Max Mara, Nordstrom Rack, Brooks Brothers and Tuckernuck would be my picks. Tuckernuck has great dressy tops but their dresses are a little too casual for work. I’d set aside some time over the long weekend and do some IRL shopping – maybe order things to Nordstrom Rack to try on in person?
      I love these two at Brooks Brothers and think they’re pretty versatile:
      https://www.brooksbrothers.com/supima%C2%AE-cotton-striped-tie-waist-shirt-dress/WX00948.html?pid=WX00948&dwvar_WX00948_Color=BLUM
      https://www.brooksbrothers.com/crepe-viscose-butterfly-sleeve-dress/WX00945.html?pid=WX00945&dwvar_WX00945_Color=DKBR

    2. Regarding the dresses, is the problem that you don’t know what kind of dress to look for, now that sheath dresses aren’t front and center, or is it that you know what you like/ want, but can’t find it?

      1. The former. I have plenty of casual dresses but struggling to figure out what fits the professional mold these days.

        1. So this isn’t necessarily my vibe, but I see that the “work” filter for dresses on tuckernuck has a bunch of options. I see the Jackie dress all the time in the wild and think it’s not particularly creative but works well.

          1. I see the Jackie in the wild all the time too, but it always looks too short on the women I see wearing it. I love the style of the dress but would skip unless you’re very petite.

          2. As someone very petite who also has round, fair youthful features, I worry this dress would make me look like a fifth grader. So maybe skip unless petite and also sharper featured!

    3. I really like the patterned dresses from Talbots for summer and routinely got compliments. I also cherished my Tahari dresses when they were available in petite sizes.

    5. What about a nice poplin shirt dress? Can be worn by itself or with blazer. Ralph Lauren and Tuckernuck have some good ones

      1. I can’t see a shirt dress working with a blazer, or any third piece, actually. Is there an item link you can share showing this?

    6. Same age & dress code/seniority. I’d check out Tanya Taylor, in particular some of the printed shirt dresses, the Sloan dress cuts and the Reinella dress cuts. They’ve all been work horses for me during the summer. I’m also a huge fan of seersucker for summer – more of a treasure hunt though.

  9. seattle people – do i need to purchase space needle tickets in advance or can i purchase day of? we will have one day in seattle with two elementary schoolers and they’ve requested to visit Pike Place Market, the gum wall, maybe the original starbucks, and the Space Needle. Any other ideas of places we should add on? Lunch recs?

        1. When I was there the line was so long, it definitely would not have been just 10 minutes.

      2. It’s in a really pretty part of Seattle down by the water. FWIW, I did not expect that Seattle would be so hilly (like the ground floor of a building is 4 floors higher on one side b/c the land is that steep). Don’t set down a wheelie bag unless it’s the 2-wheeled variety.

        1. How about that tour that shows you underground Seattle, like how they rebuilt the city over and existing city because “entrances” ended up way below street level?

      3. for one day I’d skip it, but my youngest is 4 so YMMV with older kids. for reference we’ve had work social events there.
        love the food tour idea below if your kids will try things!!

    2. Space Needle: Day of – walk-up and queue. Be careful if buying from a kiosk because you’ll be prompted to buy a packaged ticket for Space Need and Chihuly.
      Skip original starbucks unless you’re a MEGA-fan.
      I would ride the ferry to Bainbridge (walk-on) if it’s a clear day (even if you don’t want to spend time there) it’s quintessential Seattle and you’ll get gorgeous views. You could do lunch on Bainbridge too if you wanted or at Pike Place we’re always happy at the brewery with a view. There’s a great playground you can walk from PP to the piers.

      1. Also – Space Needle, I would do that first – as early as possible if it’s clear, then take the Monorail to downtown, walk to Pike Place, eat/tour, walk down to the piers and if you want to ferry you can walk right on. Otherwise walk down to Molly Moon for ice cream (get the iced latte flavor!)

        1. thanks for the tips. i was thinking of starting with Pike’s Place Market, but now will consider the reverse.

          is Chiluly not worth it iwth kids?

          1. I think kids would like Chihuly more than most museums. The stuff is really cool to look at and lots of bright, fun colors.

          2. Some homeless dude smashed a bunch of stuff at Chihuly recently. I’d check what their repair status is.

    3. We just visited Seattle a few weeks ago with teens. The biggest hit was a food tour of Pike Place, through Savor Food Tours. We tried way more things than we would’ve exploring on our own, and we learned a lot about the market and Seattle in general. Donuts, fish, chowder, cherries, ice cream, and Turkish Delight, which made my kids’ day as they are Narnia fans. There was more but I can’t remember it all. Skip Starbucks if you only have a day, the line is ridiculous.

      1. just looked it up and it looks great, but it is a 2+ hour tour. idk if my. kids have a long enough attention span for that

    5. Skip the Starbucks but go to the Turkish restaurant that is right by it, they have the best turkish delight.

  10. I’m sure this will go into moderation, but Everlane has been purchased by Shein. Bummer. I’ll link in the replies just in case that helps.

    1. Thank you for sharing the sad news. I had just gotten back into thinking about/buying from Everlane and have been super happy with the quality. I guess I should see if there’s anything I want to stock up on before a probable change in quality.

    3. Literally just placed an order with them an hour ago. I’m unsubscribing from their lists now.

  12. For folks who body recomped without using a GLP1, what did you do? And how long til you a) started seeing any results and b) met your weight loss goals?

    I’m working with a dietician and have been a lifelong athlete so I know what to do, but hearing others success stories with specifics would be super helpful for motivation and setting expectations.

    1. I lost 55 pounds in 9 months working with a coach. Learned all sorts of great new habits. Gained it all back the following year, yo-yo-ing, mostly due to stress eating. I will add that I kept the good habits, which helped me when I finally got on a glp1 and started addressing my relationship with food.

      2. How is stress eating “kept the good habits?”

        The Daily Mail had an article about a woman who ate like someone from the 1970s. I think most of the weight loss had to do with no HCF and portion control.

        1. Good nutrition, good movement, drinking lots of water, tracking macros. You can’t outrun a bad diet, and one binge can undo a lot of dieting.

          1. Will add, glp1 isn’t magic — you need good nutrition, movement, hydration, etc to be successful in the long term, so those habits stood me in good stead.

    2. I lost 85 lbs between April of 2013 and April of 2014. I finally lucked into a medical solution that put an autoimmune disease that was making my life miserable into remission. I’ve gained back 5 lbs. I was 54 at the time. I began exercising after a 10 year break — walking every day, light weights, and yoga. Over the course of that first year I joined a gym so I could use the weight machines and lift heavier weights than I had at home. I also experimented with a number of classes at the gym — Body Pump, Jazzersize, Barre, a Circuit class, etc. I did not work with a trainer, but my dh is a power lifter and my daughter was a college athlete who was getting her certifications as a personal trainer at the time, so they helped me design programs. I also started tracking food using My Fitness Pal. I didn’t necessarily do much with food except become more aware of what I was eating, when I was eating for pure comfort, and how certain foods made me feel. Changes to eating evolved very slowly. I continue to track food about 2 weeks every month. I walk 5 miles every day and I lift weights (dumbbells in my basement) 4 times a week and do yoga and mobility exercises 3 days a week.

    3. I lost about 25 pounds over 5-6 months about 5 years ago at this point. Similarly I knew all the right things to do but really had to work on setting new habits. For me, it was letting go of perfection and focusing on core habits. For me, my non-negotiables are
      -veggie forward at every meal. Ideally at least 1/2 plate of fruits or vegetables but I don’t eat a meal that doesn’t include at least one vegetable (a single carrot counts when I really don’t want to do this but keeps the habit)
      -workout every day before shower. 3 sun salutations counts. So does a walk around the block. I usually do 2 strength training and 3 cardio workouts a week but the something rule works for me since I need to do something every day to keep a habit and giving myself grace to do something stupidly small helps
      -I don’t drink on “school nights”. I try to limit alcohol to only once a week but the hard rule makes it so much easier to follow
      -prioritizing sleep hygiene probably made the biggest difference. Getting a regular sleep schedule made everything else so much easier.

      Other tips: take measurements. For me this was way more motivating since the scale doesn’t always move in logical ways and I also wanted to keep/gain strength (note trying to build muscle while losing fat is really hard and slows down both processes so I had to learn to be really patient with myself). Also focus on other non scale wins. Tracking my energy level really made it hard for me to pretend that sleep wand exercise were not hugely helpful and that alcohol was really dragging me down

      1. Some folks can’t afford it / it isn’t covered for weight loss alone by their plan, or can’t tolerate the side effects, or have other medical issues that make it more complicated.

        And some of us know that there are things that we are doing “wrong” (if you aren’t, then this isn’t for you and I don’t know you) and need to improve in our lives too. Sometimes just a pill isn’t enough. Hearing others’ stories can be encouraging.

      2. Not everyone needs a GLP-1 or wants to risk the side effects. Some people did lose weight before GLP-1s were on the market, you know. GLP-1s are not really designed for everyone, just for a specific subset of people with certain metabolic issues.

        1. Only a minority of people succeeded at keeping it off. You’re obviously correct, but the specific subset of people with metabolic issues is also the vast majority of people who need to lose weight. I agree we need to know which bucket we fall into.

      3. Some don’t want to be on a medication long-term. Some want the satisfaction that comes from accomplishing a hard thing.

        1. I have great BP, glucose, cholesterol but am about 50 pounds overweight. Per my GP, there’s no reason for me to be on medication. And yet for appearance-related reasons, I’d like to lose weight.

      4. I’m not NOT interested in a GLP – frankly, I’m super jealous of my friend who has lost a ton of weight and tells me often that she hasn’t exercised once… meanwhile I’m still a faithful 10k steps per day and peloton 200 week streak kind of a gal who will knows that if I eat more than 1800 calories a day even with high activity, I gain weight. (Yay dieting since I was 11, causing what is likely a permanently depressed metabolism!)

        But also – my GP doesn’t prescribe them, I’m wary of MedSpas and random telemedicine, I’m not sure I want to shell out $500/month on something like this and I don’t know where I should start. If you saw me out and about, I register as probably a normal/athletic looking mom but I still struggle with a lot of disordered eating/body image issues that I don’t want to pass along to my daughter. So… that’s a lot of why I might try one to lose that 10-15 pounds and get back to the weight at which I’m most comfortable, but also why I haven’t.

        1. You could ask your GP if one of them is appropriate for you medically, and then use a service like Plushcare or whatever to order them through Eli Lilly. That’s what I did.

          1. Same, I started with PlushCare, then moved to Vineyard. I get mine directly from Eli Lilly, and it’s been life changing. Had been in therapy to separate emotions from food, but the glp1 was fantastic, and the positive effects on inflammation are freaking incredible.

        2. Ask your GYN. They may be another pyscician-based option with a provider you already see.

      5. It is chemical starvation. You lose muscle and bone mass that you need. You are going to reset your metabolism so you gain even more when you quit it. And no way can you stay on it for life.

        2. No, it isn’t. You have to eat, you have to focus on nutrition, it helps reset your metabolism, not to mention the positive effects on inflammation/joints, heart health, and more. Do your research

      6. You really can’t understand that some people can’t afford it? Everyone here is so out of touch.

    5. I tracked calories. It took about a year because I only wanted to lose about 1/2 a pound a week. I also refuse to cut out entire food groups. I just tried to get a better grasp on portion control. I am up about 7-10 pounds, but the only thing that really meant was going from like a 2 to a 4. I was probably a 12/14 before (and even heavier when I was younger), so that is perfectly fine for me. I do go to the gym but I’m not an athlete or doing any activity to that level really. I just try to move my body.

  13. Need advice about how to support a friend. She’s been married 15ish years, two kids, both in elementary school. She almost divorced her husband last summer, in the lead up revealing that he would often violate her personal boundaries/force intimacy. She met with a divorce lawyer, did the math, thought about splitting custody of her kids and…decided to stay. She says she’ll wait ten years till the kids are in college, she’s working on making more money in the meantime. She was on this girls weekend with me this past weekend and there were more revelations of the same kind of abuse (they’ve done counseling at this point, he knows this is an issue, he doesn’t stop). Its hard for me to hear about it; I also want to support her and understand that its really hard to leave (I mean, recognizing that I don’t really understand what it’s like to be in that kind of relationship). She…smokes a lot of p*t, has had several pretty intense flirtations with aquaintances that have ended pretty badly for the other person, and is a really fun, lovely person. There’s also always sort of another penny dropping, if I can explain it like that — not everything is shared (which I think is also typical of these situations?). How do I support her but also stop feeling shitty when she describes this situation that she’s planning on being in for ten more years, and stop feeling like there’s other hidden stuff I don’t know about?

    1. This is really, really hard. Reading your message, my first thought was that you need to protect yourself. You don’t need to put yourself in a situation where you’re hearing about things that make you feel shitty, and you can and should put up some boundaries around what you can tolerate. (That might take some time for you to figure out, and go ahead and take some time to think about it.)

      1. I think any boundaries that involve ‘I don’t want to hear about this’ in response to a friend sharing experiences being abused is going to be friendship-ending.

        1. Yes, saying “I don’t want to hear about this” would probably end or pause the friendship. But it’s also necessary to be able to protect oneself. It’s a hard situation.

        2. IDK. Maybe the friend can take a break from focusing on her husband once in a while & do it with her? Maybe it would actually help build a life outside of that.

    2. Wow. Maybe connecting her with a local organization to help her plan. That’s really tough, I can’t say that I’d feel any differently than you do.

      1. +1
        Highly recommend connecting her with a local domestic violence org. They should have experience with survivors not wanting to leave and be more equipped to counsel her dispassionately. You’re trying to be a good friend, but people in tough situations often make dysfunctional choices and it’s not on you to provide all the support. (From the POV of a decade plus rape/domestic violence volunteer counselor.)

        1. Yes, if she’s going to couples counseling with an abuser she doesn’t know how to deal with this type of person. She needs expert advice.

          “The more you share the more I worry about your safety. I feel uncomfortable hearing about these issues knowing that
          you’re not getting the help you urgently need. Please consider reaching out to X as a first step. I care about you and want to support you but I can’t pretend this is typical venting”

          1. Brilliant. This is very compassionate but also so true that you’re not equipped to be handling this.

    3. Up to you. This isn’t a friendship I’d invest time in. I just don’t have the patience for drugs and drama.

    4. It makes total sense to me that she doesn’t want to split custody, and it makes sense that it’s hard in the meantime. But I also would not want to get either detailed updates or unsettling hints about how a terrible situation is going when there’s no plan for change.

      There are a lot of less unsettling situations where the people navigating them have to learn how to be open with friends without it burdening them. I think this example feels harder partly because it’s an instance of broader societal failure, but if it were something else like some complex chronic medical condition, or staying in a miserable job for reasons, like in the previous thread, I think there would be the same question of how to much to share, how often, that can be hard to figure out.

    5. I was in a similar situation as your friend, minus the pot and flirtations and such.

      One big thing: “abuse” means different things in different contexts. “Abuse” for the purposes of “this marriage isn’t workable and trying to be together until the kids are grown” is a lower bar than abuse that would get someone thrown into prison or enable the victim to get full custody.

      One problem I had: my divorce lawyer took the approach that if it wasn’t something that the overburdened prosecutor’s office would charge my ex with, it wasn’t abuse.

      That’s… conflating different issues.

      I really needed someone to basically say: here is what would need to happen for your marriage to be workable, even until your kid graduates high school, and this is why it won’t happen. Thankfully, a few people said that to me, and it really helped. A lot.

      1. Great comment. People always say, leave the abuser and get full custody! But unless the abuse is provable like you’ve said, he’s getting 50% unless he doesn’t want it (and let’s be honest, men like that take it even if he doesn’t want it because it’ll hurt her).

        The thing about what happens “behind closed doors” – once you leave, your kids are still behind those door, except now the doors are closed to you too. You won’t know what’s happening to them. You just know they’re stuck in a house with a man who thinks it’s ok to treat women like he treated you. But now you’re no longer a buffer.

    6. i feel like you’re already judging her if you mention the pot before the “flirtations that ended badly for the other person” — is she a shitty person in general who is just lucky to be skirting disaster with these things?

      re the husband… was there stuff beyond the violating personal boundaries/forcing intimacy?

        1. right, but that can look a lot different in the context of marriage. no means no and all that, but is she saying no, or does she feel like she “owes” him even if she’s not in the mood. i’m old enough when girlfriends would fondly tell stories about isn’t it hilarious when you wake up to find your husband having sex with you. i’m not saying it’s right, just that it’s probably not like ivanna/donald.

    7. This isn’t about how to deal with your friend directly, but when a girlfriend went through something similar, talking to my own therapist about it helped me. I don’t think therapy should be a paid vent session, and this was something I brought up one or two times, not the bulk of my visits, but it helped having someone validate that the situation was indeed alarming, that my friend was indeed in danger and that there wasn’t much I could do about it, but also, keeping things confidential with someone who couldn’t even identify her. Not suggesting you start therapy just for this, but if you already go, it might be worth it.

      1. +1. I have a friend who has been in a mental health crisis since last October. I won’t go into details here, but it did help me to talk to my therapist about it.

    8. OP here — yes, it was code for sexual assault. Honestly these replies have been so validating that this is a really tough situation. And I also agree with the posters that it would possibly be 50/50 custody if she did decide to leave him.

      I’m not sure what to do, but something about supporting her, building her up outside of that relationship but not…having to hear about it. Or redirecting that part of it to a dv advocate.

      And yes, I “disapproved” of the flirtations and thought they were sh**ty but…hurt people hurt people and I tried not to judge.

  14. Has anyone has HDHP coverage for teens / dependants? We are looking into switching them into these. They are currently in high school and in a year will be in college. From college – age 26, I am hoping that this will be a good move. OTOH, who controls the flex spending and will we routinely have situations where they need something but don’t have the funds for care? In college was on my parents’ Cadillac coverage from their jobs but I had a separate policy after that in grad school and recall that student health took it without issue. It’ll probably be weird b/c when I have an 18YO high schooler this fall, I don’t even think I can see her records but I’m likely still the responsible for them (but possibly not able to access the system to get them paid).

    1. So if you do a HDHP, the idea is that you set aside the money to cover the deductible in the HSA. (Ideally you actually let the HSA money accumulate and pay the deductible out of other savings, but it’s the same basic idea.) The premiums should be lower than a low or no deductible plan, so that helps with setting money aside.

      Whether it’s you setting aside that money or the dependent, somebody needs to set it aside, or yes there will likely be situations where they can’t afford care because until that deductible is met, somebody has to pay for anything beyond basic preventive care.

      1. IDK if it is administratively easy to do or if it puts you in micro-managing mode (or if it lumps all kids together). Like if one kid wants to go on $$$ GLP-1s to get ready for swimwear season, the co-insurance likely limits what is probably not the best choice for a young person and forces it to be a family decision (fine at 18, maybe not ideal for the kid at 26).

        1. Insurance isn’t covering GLP-1s for teens to get ready for swimwear season; that’s out of pocket.

          2. What if the other kids have you meeting the OOP max? Like one has complex medical needs and the other sees a MH counselor frequently and another was in a car accident and needs PT (which always seems to be $$$ and not covered).

          3. In my family, an adult kid who wants vanity or cosmetic treatments can pay those costs out of their own pocket. Not with our family HSA funds.

    3. Will these be individual HDHPs for each kid, or will they be on your family HDHP?

      If a family plan, just be aware of the HSA eligibility rules – generally, children can use their parents’ HSA up to age 19, or age 24 if a full-time student. Beyond that, they can’t use the parents’ HSA since they’re no longer considered IRS dependents. They can, however, open their own HSAs and contribute up to the family limit as long as they’re still covered by the family HDHP.

      (If they’ll be enrolled in individual HDHPs, they’ll be able to contribute up to the individual max in their own HSAs.)

    5. My family has a HDHP and we ensure we have funds for care by maxing out our HSA each year. Our HDHP’s family deductible out of pocket max is roughly the same as the annual HSA contribution limit, and we have only ever met that once. Each family member has a debit card tied to our HSA account, and each family member is responsible enough that we don’t need to do anything “control” the spending. We just don’t spend HSA funds on things that are not HSA-permitted uses.

      I believe access to my teen’s health records cut off around age 14. Both of us, together with the medical provider and our insurance company, could not figure out how to get the sharing approval to go through again so we gave up trying. That was years ago and it’s been fine. She just forwards me bills, EOBs, and receipts so I can connect them to the HSA expense.

    6. I don’t understand why you would put dependents on a separate policy from your own. Generally a family policy will be least expensive, especially when you factor in the family deductible and OOP max. Whether a traditional PPO or an HDHP is a better deal depends on the available options. For our family, the math always works out best on the HDHP no matter how much health care we consume.

      Our college kid is on our HDHP. She has a debit card for our HSA so she can pay when needed. Most of the bills come to our home address and I open and pay them with her permission.

  15. Any product recommendations to cover grays between salon appointments? I only have a smattering of grays in one section but they stand out against my dark hair.

    1. I use a combo of temporary color pens and FanciFull rinse painted on that area.

  16. pack for me please. leaving friday morning, flying home tuesday. Bentonville arkansas and tulsa. mostly cities. weather is going to be warm (80s) and rainy. going carry on. Would like to look pulled together and casual. i’m 50 and probably a size 10. go!

    1. Two pairs of linen or otherwise lightweight pants in neutral colors (black, navy, olive, etc.). Four tops. Depending on what you’re doing, a nice t-shirt will do, or you could do something more formal (like a blouse). Wear a different top each day, re-wear each pair of pants twice.

      Fashion sneakers and/or flats you can walk in. Layers for airconditioning and rain (a light jacket, a cardigan or two).

      Add pajamas, workout gear, etc. as you will use them.

  17. what kind of sock do you wear with fashion sneakers and, say, sun dress or casual summer skirt? no show or higher? i’m not a super model

    1. I wear ankle socks, the kind that stop just below your ankle bone and are barely visible. True ‘no show’ socks are just an adventure in shoe-eating-sock misery for me and I’ve tried all the ‘omg no show socks nevvvvver work for me but these do!’ recs.

      Younger and trendier folks than I would wear more obvious taller socks, like what I would have worn for gym class as a 1990 elementary schooler. But, that’s not the look for me.

      1. +1 ankle socks. Have very happily retired no show socks.

        I buy pretty Japanese mesh socks to wear with dresses and skirts.

    2. No show. Part of that is also because cropped pants and such are almost full length on me so not having a break is visually annoying to me.

  18. Looks like there’s going to be a new Little House on the Prairie series on Netflix this summer. Anyone planning to watch?

    2. The version from the late 70s & early 80s is such a cherished childhood memory for me that I’m going to leave it alone!

      1. I found Prairie Fires interesting, and it didn’t diminish my enjoyment of the novels. I’ve always viewed them as works of fiction and products of their own time.

        1. I think the Netflix show being a product of our times probably will diminish my enjoyment quite a lot.

          1. OP here and I’m wondering about that as well. I’m not sure how Netflix will handle the more “problematic” (to use today’s phrasing) aspects of the dialogue from the books.

          2. I believe they’re going to add a storyline with Native Americans, and they’ve cut out a couple of the daughters. So not very faithful to the books at all.

        1. Basically it just talks about how awful their real life was, compared to how idyllic the books and TV series made it seem. They were constantly broke and worried about money, far into Laura’s adulthood before she hit it big with the books. And let’s just say that Pa had very little in common with the character as portrayed by Michael Landon.

    4. I am conflicted about this. I loved the TV show and the books when I encountered them in the early 80s. Michael Landon may have been my first crush.

      Re-reading the books with my own daughter, though, I realized they are full of problematic themes treated as normal and acceptable.

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