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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 229 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Pintucked Layering Shell

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. LIMITED Pintucked Layering ShellThis pintucked layering shell looks like a great piece for under cardigans, blazers, and more. I like the tiny keyhole slit, and the flattering vertical lines down the front. It's a new arrival at The Limited and $49.95, but you can take 40% off with code LONGWKND. Pintucked Layering Shell Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

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Comments

  1. Sydney Bristow

    I bought a bunch of very similar tops at NY&CO and wear them constantly. Highly recommend.

    • Cb

      I bought a few from a travel brand (ICHI, bought in Europe) and they are fantastic. A bit cold for them at the moment (long walk in and a cold office) but awesome for 3/4 seasons.

    • A Nonny Moose

      I really like this top a lot, especially that it looks fairly long in the back.

    • hoola hoopa

      It looks like a true staple. I’m not keen on polyester, but this in rayon or silk would definitely be in heavy rotation.

  2. Anon

    I could use some advice: I’m a new attorney at a big firm. Since I’ve started my secretary has been consistently under performing. She is terrible about communication and repeatedly drops the ball on things. I strongly suspect the issue is that she is young (about a year out of college) and sees this as a short term position before she goes to grad school. I finally raised this with her supervisor who asked me to meet with her directly to express my concerns before she meets with her/takes it up with HR. Given I’m new I don’t have experience supervising people.Does anyone have advice on how to handle that meeting? I’m worried it is going to be very awkward. I also know from speaking with her supervisor that other attorneys have complained but I was told that in confidence so can’t reveal that. But I do want to be able to convey to her how serious this is (given it sounds like HR is going to be reviewing whether she should continue to work here). Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

    • marketingchic

      Be specific. Often people who are underperforming really don’t realize what they are doing wrong, and need concrete examples. Also be specific about what you expect going forward. If you aren’t already, keep a file (email – even memos to yourself – is okay) of instances where she does not meet your expectations. This may not be fun, but neither is having a staffer hold you back.

    • BigLaw

      I’d have started by talking to the more senior attorneys that your secretary works for. If they are happy with her, she’s staying (maybe you could get yourself reassigned). And if they aren’t, you don’t need to do anything if they are wanting a new secretary. I don’t think that you talking to HR is going to help your situation out. I had a horrid secretary once but she had been with the senior person forever. I had a great secretary that I could never really use b/c the crazy partner really monopolized her time. I have really good ones now, but have been proactive during times of change to make sure I went from good one to good one. It’s a delicate dance.

      • Anon

        I was told by her supervisor that the partner she works for has also complained. Part of the reason the supervisor wants me to speak with her directly is so that she realizes its not the partner being picky and its actually that her work performance is insufficient for all of her attorneys.

        • rosie

          I’m a lawyer not in biglaw, and I am surprised that her supervisor isn’t stepping in here. Is this really a good use of your time as an attorney? I would start correcting her as things come up (“Where is XYZ? I asked for this on Tuesday and we agreed you would have it done by Thursday, if you are unable to complete work on time, please tell me/your supervisor that ASAP.”). I do not think I would take the time to do a big sit down with her unless I particularly liked her and thought she had potential if she got it together.

        • BigLaw

          This is weird — to me, this is a partner or staff manager discussion to have with the secretary (not everyone having the conversation about the secretary and then the new associate has the actual talk with the secretary). IMO, when the person with firing authority has the discussion, it tends to resolve (one way or other other) rather quickly. Having the person the farthest removed have the discussion seems to be really weird.

          If I had to do it, I’d give concrete examples of what needs to change (and maybe pepper in “I don’t know if Staff Manager or Senior Attorney has discussed these things with you”).

          • Anon

            The supervisor told me that in general secretaries have expressed that they really dislike it if their supervisor/HR gives them feedback/criticism rather than the attorney doing it first themselves. I think they feel like they aren’t being given a chance to correct any issues before its being taken to a higher up. As a former junior person I definitely sympathize with that. Getting feedback in a review rather than directly from the reviewer when it happens is always a terrible feeling. I think the supervisor has asked all of the attorneys she works for (including the partner) to try do have similar discussions. So this isn’t a case of putting it all on the junior associate as BigLaw suggests above.

          • Aerith

            It seems easier to say it directly rather than playing whisper down the lane with your complaints. I’d rather have someone say, “This needs to be done this way” rather than going to my boss and have my boss tell me that someone complained if the person has never even brought it up with me before. Of course if you have already and they still don’t get it, that’s a different situation.

    • IT Chick in MN

      As a former admin/secretary, specific and concrete expectations are your best way to go. For example, “Before you leave for the day, I want to see a status on all items I have assigned to you.” Obviously, you don’t have time to assign her a specific deadline on every single thing, but communicating expectations such as “if I ask you to schedule a meeting, I expect it to be scheduled by the end of the day” can go a long ways.

      Also, check the Ask a Manager archives – she has great advice on how to give good feedback to employees.

      • MissK

        I’m a little late to this thread, but +100 on this!

        I work in admin, and when I transitioned from a lighter work load to supporting more individuals, there were times when I dropped the ball on things because didn’t realize that certain things were as critical to my financial advisor as they were. Over the course of my first few months with them, we had periodic sit downs about what was going well, what need some changing, etc. They were never rude or condescending, just direct about figuring out a rythym that worked for us all AND the other individual I was supporting.

        There’s nothing better than direct, specific communication about expectations.

    • preg 3L

      I don’t have experience supervising people, but I think the two most important things you can do is (1) be confident about what you have to say (not wishy washy) and (2) don’t apologize. Whether she sees this job as temporary or permanent, whether she has aspirations to be a legal secretary forever or is trying to get a new job already, she’s not performing and it’s harming YOU. Protect yourself and your own job by clearly telling her (a) what’s not working and (b) how it needs to change. Don’t try to be nice because you’ll end up being confusing. (Don’t be a jerk either though!) If I work for someone and my work doesn’t meet their need, it’s a much better conversation if they convey that they respect me, they think I’m capable, and they simply share what they expect from me. Concrete examples should help a lot. Ultimately, it sounds like you won’t make or break this woman’s career though. Good luck!

      • Anon

        Thanks for this. I think “be confident” and “don’t apologize” are what I needed to hear!

    • Silver

      I don’t think it’s unusual for the supervisor to ask for your opinion – if that person has to go to HR, he/she needs to be armed with all the information and that includes asking you what you think. Like other posters have said, provide specific examples. I would not voice your opinion as to why you think she’s underperforming (ie she’s young, waiting til grad school etc.). Part of why they are asking you might also be to gauge work flow issues and your needs vs her skill set, see if you need to be reassigned to someone else’s desk, is this one attorney’s issue or is it the assistant etc.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love fruegel Friday’s and these top’s, tho I wish they had sleeve’s in them. Frank LOVES to look thru any sleeveless top’s or dresse’s, so I do NOT buy them any more. I realy do NOT know what he think’s he is goeing to find! FOOEY!

      As for the OP, having bad secretearial suport is NOT limited to big firm’s. Before Lynn, we had some woman who came from high school that chewed and popped her bubble gum when she was takeing telephone message’s! And she would NOT work on docuement’s we asked her to update and she would NOT help us with our billeings! So the manageing partner told her NOT to come back into work ever again and he gave her a month’s salary. YAY!

      Mason has been following me around for the last 2 day’s like a puppy dog! Can you imageine? I think he think’s that if he follow’s me around, he will learn everthing within a week. I told him NOT to follow me into the bathroom! He at least did NOT do that. He is actueally fairly bright, tho he remind’s me a littel of Evan, that teck guy who I met who wanted to date me but picked his nose to much. I could never date a guy who had his fingers up his nose all day. FOOEY!

      I am trying to figure out something different to do with MYRNA this weekend. It is to cold to ride Citibike’s I think, tho we can do that if it is not snoweing. Has anyone in the HIVE used the Citibike’s on the weekend’s? With all of the dope’s running peeople over in the city, we do NOT want to be just another statistick. DOUBEL FOOEY!

  3. Another name change question

    This has been discussed a lot but I have a slightly unique situation. I’m getting married in the autumn and have been having a back and forth as regards to my name. For a bit of context, I’m in academia (but mid-PhD so don’t have a long publication history), I also need to make a decision immediately after the wedding as we will be applying for a resident visa for me.

    My husband to be feels strongly about us sharing a name as a family. I’m fine with double barrelling or hyphenating but my name will be [Unusual for this country first] [Color last] [Animal last]. So say my name was Lori Green, it would become Lori Green Bird. This never fails to elicit a slight snicker when I say it aloud and feels pretty cutesy, somehow?

    Double barrel and use Lori Green professionally and Lori Bird socially and Lori Green Bird on official documents?

    • bb

      I think it’s awesome, although maybe that depends on the color and animal. Or try it Lori Bird-Green?

      • NOLA

        I like this one. Then again, I don’t mind Green Bird. Kinda cute, yes, but memorable and distinctive.

      • CKB

        My cousin recently did this when he & his wife had their first child. I believe they use his mother’s maiden name as their family name now.

        • Cb

          That’s awesome! It’s a bit logistically complicated officially particularly with all my visa business but where we live, you can use any name you want as long as you don’t intend to defraud anyone. We sent our wedding stuff out with a Green Bird stamp on them so perhaps it would be an easy transition.

          • Sydney Bristow

            I think its memorable, which may be helpful as people below mentioned. Just curious, is he going to change his name to Green Bird too?

          • Cb

            I think so…he doesn’t seem at all fussed (and would have happily changed it to mine) but I just don’t want people to give him a hard time about it?

      • Small Town Attorney

        I have some friends who did this. But they sort of smushed their names toghether, if that makes sense. So if he was Mr. Smith and she was Ms. Green, they both changed their names to Mr. & Mrs. Smeen.

    • Adjective

      That sounds fine. I have a friend who has a maiden name that sounds like an adjective when it is in front of her married name (not as crazy as Corkie Sherwood Forest, but in that vein). I think she’s Corkie Forest now b/c it just got to be too long (but was really going towards staying Corkie Sherwood at work for a while).

      I didn’t change my name (I was fairly established when I got married and had already published under my name) and we use my husband’s name on all stationery products. It hasn’t been a big deal.

    • Miss Behaved

      Sometimes a name like that is a boon. When I was choosing a doctor from my HMO’s books, I chose Nancy Drew, just because of her name. So yes, my doctor is Nancy Drew. How awesome is that?

      • Second

        Ha! I once chose a doctor whose last name was Doctor. As a bonus she shared an office with her husband whose last name was also Doctor. Making an appointment was like an Abbot and Costello routine. She turned out to be terrible but it did get me in the door and I still remember her name.

        • IT Chick in MN

          When I severely injured my wrist in college, my orthopedic hand specialist was Dr. Hand!

        • SATX

          There is a doctor specializing in vasectomies in my city named Dr. Richard Chopp. That’s right ladies…Dick Chopp.

      • EB0220

        I used to go to a dentist called Dr Friend. I always thought it was the best doctor/dentist name ever. The office was really friendly, too.

    • Anonie

      If your husband feels strongly about sharing a family name, why doesn’t he change his name?

    • Anon

      You don’t HAVE to change your name at all. I respect the choice of those who do it, although I do not understand it. For me, my name is my identity and I didn’t give it up by getting married. That said, I accept being called by my husband’s (and daughter’s) last name in social situations. (And I think/hope he accepts it when people call him by my last name in error.) So that’s my compromise to convention– I “let” people call me his name. But it doesn’t make us any less of a family unit that we don’t all have the same last name. Just like a woman who changes her name is no less part of her birth family when her name changes. Or her child any less part of the extended family on her mother’s side than the extended family on her father’s side. Family is a lot more than shared last names.

      • Saltylady

        Same here, although I get why people change theirs. I just didn’t want to. I will let people call me his last name, especially where the kids are involved. I’ve started having to draw the line, though, when those people are referring to just me. So we’ll be at a dinner with a few families, and in an adult conversation, they’ll make some reference to my full name, but using my husband’s last name, even though they know it’s not my real name. Like they’ve decided on a new name for me. I don’t get mad but I do correct them. It’s complicated but I feel like I get a bit of judgment in our very traditional suburban area, if that makes sense, so I want to make a point. I’ve even had a few of the dads make jokes about it and stuff.

        • Coach Laura

          True story reported by my sixth grade son:

          Friend Sam’s mother is coming to give a talk to the class about her field. Father’s name/son’s name is XYZ. Mother’s last name is Wright.

          Teacher says “Sam’s mother Susie XYZ is coming on Friday to tell us about accounting.” Sam says “Wright”. Teacher says “Sam’s mom Susie XYZ…” Sam says “That’s Wright, not XYZ.” Teacher looks puzzled. Sam says “Her name is Wright.” Teacher doesn’t get it. Class laughs.

          • saltylady

            That’s funny. I’ve had more than one teacher ask what to call me, and suggest “Mrs. MyOriginalName.” They’re really hung up on saying “Mrs” and not “Ms.” I often feel like I fell through the looking glass into 1964.

          • Coach Laura

            Yes, you’re right – teacher actually said “Mrs. XYX” not Susie XYZ. All the teachers use Mrs. for parents.

    • Sarabeth

      Academic here. I’d say that it would be hard for me to have different social and professional names – there’s too much overlap between those circles, for me and for pretty much everyone else I know in my field.

      Is there any other way to combine your names that sounds less cutesy? Bird-Green? Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry too much. Your name will become natural to you as you say it a million times, and people will get over it.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’m thinking I may have to change my name to Lori Green Bird after my divorce is final. Because, like, that’s a super cool name.

    • Aerith

      I would probably keep my last name and then change down the road it if there were kids. Though I think the color + animal combination would be kind of cool. Definitely memorable, if you publish things.

    • Anon

      I know a Ms. Kim who married a Mr. Chi and now go by Mr. & Mrs. Kim-Chi.

      I love it because it’s totally funny and memorable and cute.

      • zora

        I was wondering, if Mary Tyler Moore married and divorced Stephen Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, and then got in a three way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, do you think she would go by Mary Tyler Moore-Tyler-Moore-Moore-Moore?

        • Saltylady

          I know someone who married a guy whose last name is the same as her first name. So she’s something like Lori Loree. Except not that name. That’s an instance where you’d want to keep your original name, to me.

          • National_Anthem

            I know a girl named Codi Clark who ended up marrying a guy named Cody Clark. Super weird.

          • Mpls

            You mean like Lauren Bush Lauren? Although in her case, the first and last name are pronounced differently, I believe.

          • zora

            Nope, common misconception but both of her names are pronounced “LAUR-in” … For a while she wasn’t using her maiden name either she was just going by Lauren Lauren. Weird. (I read too many fashion magazines)

    • Lady Tetra

      My BF and I have been together 6 years now, and our friends already refer to us as the Hisname-Mynames, so when we get married I’d like us both to change our names to that. I have heard, though, that’s it’s harder for men to get their last names changed than women, because of institutionalized sexism, etc. Have any of you had your husband change his name?

      • Sydney Bristow

        I think it depends on the state. Some states allow both people getting married to change their name at the same time. Sometimes the man has to go through a separate court process to do it. There may be states where it isn’t allowed for the man at all, but I’m not sure. I wonder if there are any US states left that still require the woman to take her husband’s name.

      • hoola hoopa

        It depends by state.

        In our state, only the woman can change names on the wedding certificate and it has to be to her husband’s name. (Although she certainly does not HAVE to change her name). She can’t change her middle name, either. To do anything more than a basic HerMaiden to HisLast, one must go through the official name change process. It’s not a big deal, but it’s an extra step and take a bit longer and a smidge more hassle than the extremely easy process of changing via marriage cert form.

        • anne-on

          Just an FYI, this is true in the state I got married in as well. However, when I went to the social security office I kindly asked the woman to put my middle name down as my maiden name. She was happy to do it. And once it was on my social security card nobody questioned me. Couldn’t hurt to ask before you go through the official process.

          • Senior Attorney

            I did something similar. I changed my name with social security from, for example, first-name-Margaret middle-name-Susan to first-name-Peggy-Sue no-middle-name. Social Security is pretty easygoing, or at least they were back in the day.

          • Senior Attorney

            Coming back to explain did this as a “while you’re at it” when I changed to my married last name.

      • DCR

        I had a hyphenated last name growing up and for numerous reasons I wanted to drop one of the names. I did it shortly before I finished college, so that my degree would be in my new legal name. At least in my midwest state, I just needed to fill out a form with the court, appear before a judge for a 10 min hearing attesting that I was not changing my name in an attempt to defraud anyone, and have two witnesses who verified that. Afterwards, the court gave me a list of the places to contact (i.e. social security administration, DMV, credit cards, ect). The legal process was really easy in my experience, but I guess it probably varies from state to state.

        As I remember it, the name change forms for everywhere I had to contact had two checkboxes for options – marriage or legal name change. For a marriage, you had to include a copy of the marriage certificate. For my legal name change, I had to include a copy of the court order.

    • hoola hoopa

      I got married early in my academic career and changed my name, so I can offer my experience with that. I had a couple of publications under maiden name, two in process during engagement which I put under soon-to-be-married name, and all subsequent under married name. My CV at the time listed my name as First (Maiden) Married, and I bolded by name in the publication/presentation citations to make it clear that anything under Maiden or Married were both me. No one blinked an eye. Now I’m mid-career and my CV lists my name as First Married but I’ve kept the bolding citations under Maiden. Honestly, at this point in my career, I don’t even care if I get “credit” for those early ones if someone looks me up on PubMed etc.

      A close colleague hyphenated. She uses Maiden or Married names seeming interchangeably socially and in the office, but her publications are all under Maiden-Married. Some quick checks on PubMed show that searches for Maiden or Married alone seem to get to her (although not as cleanly as Maiden-Married, since while the individual names are not particularly rare, her combo is very unique) although I think it would hard for someone to find any early work under Maiden and be certain that it’s hers, so I don’t know that she has gained anything over my system. Professional colleagues recognize her under either name individually, since in conversation people generally just use one, so I don’t see it as complicating her networking.

      I don’t see White Swan as at all a negative. Name recognition is fantastic! I know someone who has a Adjective-Animal hyphenated name, and she has completely embraced it. While it’s a funny name when I think about it, it doesn’t make her any less professional when she’s being professional.

      It’s a personal choice, so I’m not trying to convince you either way. I do want to convince you that you should make the choice based on what you want for yourself, not for your CV. Your CV will be fine.

      • LifeScienceGoingToFinance

        I did exactly the same regarding publications under my maiden name. Nobody thinks it is a big deal, as long as you really authored these publications.

    • Samantha

      I know Green Bird sounds cute, but I would worry about being too cutesy and unprofessional.
      I also hate to be conspicuous, whereas some people like to be memorable, so it depends on where you fall in that spectrum. (Slink into a roomful of people to a comfortable corner, or announce your presence as you walk boldly into a room?)
      Given that, if I were you, I might either go with Lori Bird or Lori Green in all contexts (which then seems more like a regular last name than a color/creature). Alternatively, if I was keen on both names due to sentimental associations, I might make one of them a middle initial such as Lori B. Green, which also seems more inconspicuous.

    • Anonymous

      I live in an area with a large American Indian population, so Lori Green Bird just strikes me as an Indian name.

  4. eh230

    Any suggestions for winter boots that don’t require socks and are not Uggs? I hate wearing socks but needs some boots for running errands in the Michigan winter. I don’t particularly like the looks of Uggs and just tossed the pair I had. I recently purchased sherpa lined bean boots from llbean, but they had an awkward fit. Thanks!

    • cleary

      I swear by Sorel Caribou boots, but can’t speak to how they are without socks.

    • rosie

      I love Merrell shoes and boots. I have the fleece-lined clogs and a similar thing as a pull-on boot, and love them both. I have worn the clogs without socks, and while it’s super comfy, it gets kind of gross when your feet get sweaty, and for that reason, I wouldn’t wear the boots without socks unless it was just to step outside to take the dog out. I will often just wear small gym/running socks so I still feel the comfy inside against my ankles.

  5. Pajama Jeans

    I got addicted to maternity jeans when pregnant and I really finding myself wanting to pull the trigger on the pajama jeans (I am at my weakest when watching TV at night).

    My husband can easily get hidden elastics in his pants. Ditto the children. Certain sizes for women seem to mandate them. I have a big hip-waist disparity and even curvy cut jeans seem to require darts to stay up — why, WHY not just order the pajama jeans?

    If they are wrong, I am not sure I want to be right anymore.

    • eh230

      A really good alternative to pajama jeans are the Jag pull on jeans. The waist is stretchy and like a yoga pant, and the jeans otherwise look like normal jeans. I think Nordstrom has the biggest selection.

      • Pajama Jeans

        Wow — these and the yoga ones are like executive pajama jeans. Will have to check them all out. Thanks, y’all!

        • NOLA

          Just want to say that if you are pear shaped, the Jag jeans will probably work well for you. I am straight up and down without a defined waist and narrow thighs (not sure how to describe that). They didn’t work for me at all.

      • SoCal Gal

        Which ones do you have– straight leg or skinny? Hope how does the siding run? The comments suggest they run large.

        • Miss Behaved

          Oops. Missed the question about sizing. My earlier pair fits TTS. My second pair is a little large so I think it’s probably a good idea to size down. Although, right now – post Christmas – the larger size is more comfortable…

    • EB0220

      Those look awesome. And they are cheap! Any feedback on the Jag pull on jeans sizing?

      • Bewitched

        I sized down one size in my Jag pull on jeans. Love, love, love them! Wonder whether I will ever go back to zippered jeans.

    • Bonnie

      NYDJ jeans are also stretchy. They tend to have a higher rise if you want that.

      • Houston Attny

        I’m wearing NYDJ trouser jeans today, and my goodness, they are so soft. Not pull-on but very soft.

        And now my defense of the pajama jean: a colleague at work has a pair she wears from time to time on casual Friday. The first time she wore them, about 5 of us commented on her new pretty trouser jeans (they are a dark wash finish, not baggy or shapeless). Only later in the day did she tell us they were pajama jeans. Honestly, by looking at them, I could not tell. I think if worn with a longer top, you could pull it off!

        • LizNYC

          A friend of mine has pajama jeans that I mistook for “real” jeans too — they were dark wash too! Now I want a pair…

      • hellskitchen

        I just bought a pair of deep red NYDJ pants (original slimming fit?) at TJMaxx for $20 because they look nice and fit well. But I know nothing about this brand and am wondering if they are a good enough bargain for me to keep them. Would you wear them to work on casual days or am I veering into pajama jeans territory by wearing them? They don’t look like denim jeans but more like pants with a slightly skinny cut. Any advice?

        • Houston Attny

          I think for $20, yes, that’s a deal! They retail for about $100 and even up to $120. And dark red? Double score! I vote KEEP!

    • L

      I just ordered a pair for a specific upcoming event. Will let you know how they are. I felt super foolish, but I had a friend who also confessed she owned a pair and said they were really comfy.

    • pilates princess

      SOLD brand jeans come in a stretchy cut (no zipper, but no elastic waist). Although, I find I have to wear a belt with them.

    • Anonymous

      They are pricey, but the J. Crew maternity jeans are not like other maternity jeans. They just have a small elastic panel at each of the sides.

    • hoola hoopa

      LL Bean has knit boot cut and straight cut jeans. I’ve seen them in real life and they look like jeans.

  6. S

    I love this shirt. I’m sometimes a small, sometimes a medium. Anyone have a recommendation for which size to order?

    • Blair Waldorf

      I would go with small. The limited runs a little big for me and the shirt looks like it has a looser fit.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I agree. I size up in tank tops and occasionally sweaters at The Limited but go with the smaller size for other tops.

  7. Home Drycleaning

    Has anyone had luck with a home dry cleaning system? Any recommendations?

      • Home Drycleaning

        It’s a wool-blend sheath dress. Could I hand wash with something like Woolite?

        • IT Chick in MN

          What is it blended with? That might make the difference. I’d try getting an inconspicuous place on it wet and make sure you don’t have weird texture issues after it dries.

          I’ve had good luck with Dryel for general freshening up. For stains, I’m paranoid and go to the pros.

        • ss

          Yes, mine get hand-washed in cold water and Woolite at home from time to time. But you may want to consider how you’ll deal with ironing (you’ll need to be handy with a very hot steam iron to get the same look as a professional pressing) and also check the composition of the lining (acetate or silk may not wash well).

          • Mpls

            If the lining is acetate do NOT wet wash it. Silk can be handwashed cold, like wool.

          • Mpls

            Actually, if it’s acetate I wouldn’t even buy it, but I realize that’s not a helpful suggestion at this point.

        • Bonnie

          It’s a big risk. I ruined a wool skirt by handwashing it. The skirt itself did not shrink but the lining did.

        • ChicagoLiz

          Wool can be spot cleaned and brushed with a good clothes brush–that’s all it really needs. Hang it in the sunlight to air it out.

          If you have staining from deodorant at the armpits, brush the spot vigorously first, to loosen anything that’s stuck to it. Then spot clean in this manner (this method can be used to spot clean any spot): (1) Place a dry, clean WHITE cloth or towel under the area you are spot cleaning. (2) Dampen another dry, clean WHITE cloth or towel and blot the area you are cleaning. (3) Now apply soap (dilute baby shampoo or gentle clothing detergent or white vinegar in a lot of cool water) by dampening a third cloth with your soap solution and BLOTTING gently. Don’t scrub or rub. Leave it sit for a few minutes. (4) Rinse by using your water only cloth. Get it pretty wet and again blot the area. (5) Use a clean, dry, white cloth to squeeze the water out of the area. Make sure you’re not seeing any soap bubbles. If you are, rinse again.

      • tesyaa

        Unless it’s acetate. I feel the need to say this at least once a month here, for some reason.

          • Mpls

            It won’t end up the same shape as when you started and you will never get it to look/be the same as it was before you wet washed it. It doesn’t deal with water well.

    • GlobalEmily

      I really like the Woolite brand home dry cleaning. I still try to take my suit jackets, sweaters, etc. to the dry cleaner once a season but I find that the Woolite home dry cleaning product is a good product for freshening things up.

  8. KC

    I recently received a mandoline (kitchen gadget, not instrument) as a gift and am nervous about using it. I’ve heard cut proof gloves are a good idea, but Googling seems to bring up all sorts of options. I’d rather not figure out a pair are worthless by trial and error… so, to that effect, does anyone have a pair they’d recommend? Or any other safety tips? Thanks!

    • Anne Shirley

      For general kitchen skills (knives, mandolines, etc) I really like checking out YouTube videos for how to use them safely/effectively.

      • tesyaa

        A mandoline anecdote – my SIL once cut herself badly on hers and needed a bunch of stitches – she was really lucky because she just missed the nerve. An older friend of the family saw the large bandage on her hand and asked her husband about it – he replied that she had an accident with a mandoline. The friend looked surprised and responded, “I didn’t know Jennifer played the mandolin.”

        So it’s good that you’re being careful.

    • IT Chick in MN

      Your mandoline should have some with some kind of hand guard that sticks into/on top of the food you’re slicing. So long as you use the hand guard and keep your fingers from curling over it, you’ll be fine. When we got ours, I ate a lot of sliced cucumbers for snacks so I could practice on something I didn’t really care about the end result.

    • snowy

      mine came w/ a gripper thingy, that has spikes in it you smoosh into the potato (or whatever) before slicing and dicing. Definitely helps you feel safer, but it does of course leave a little extra of whatever you’re slicing at the end. Not sure if yours just doesn’t have this, maybe you can order it separately?

    • Anon

      Get rid of it. I sliced the tip of my finger off with one. Anecdotally I’ve heard that cooking schools spend a day explaining how to use them and on safety.

      • Anne

        I sliced a bit of my thumb with my mandoline while slicing beets in October. As good as new now. I wish I would have used the finger guard that came with it – the gripper thingy mentioned above.

        It’s super practical, so I don’t plan on get rid of mine – but I’ve been much more careful since.

      • hoola hoopa

        Yep. You want kevlar gloves. You can get them on amazon, restaurant supply stores, or sporting goods stores (used for filleting fish also). Remember they are cut *resistant* not cut *proof*. Use the hand guard!!!

      • zora

        yes, the microplane brand is good, but STILL be really careful. And I second the above watching youtube videos to learn how to use one properly.

        But we grew up with one in my house and used it a lot, and my parents taught us how to use it, I LOVE it for certain recipes, especially pies and tarts, yum!!

  9. Smitten

    So, I’m disgustingly smitten. Head over heels, loopy smile, blushing smitten. My three closest friends are all single, and not happy about it. I know they’re all really happy for me, but I want to make sure I’m not annoying them with chatter about him. Thoughts?

    • snowy

      I haven’t been single in awhile, so maybe my opinion doesnt count, but I love hearing my girlfriends gush about guys.

      My friend was just telling me yesterday when she got home from several weeks working abroad, her boyfriend had gotten all these pictures of the two of them framed, put them up around the house, and even went back to a store and bought a print she liked and got it framed… I thought that was so cute and loved to hear about it! But, I’m not single, so maybe it would annoy me to hear this kind of stuff.

      I love it, and think its adorable. I convey this by agreeing “Wow, that was so sweet of him!! He’s so awesome” etc. If your friends find it annoying, I’d guess they’d be a little less effusive? But just a vote to say I love hearing when one of my friends has found a great guy!

    • emeralds

      I’ve been on both sides of this. I’d say just be mindful of not being That Person Who Can Only Talk About Her Great Awesome Amazing Dudefriend. My personal rule of thumb is provide an update if asked for; if not asked, mention it once and answer a few follow-up questions; and then move the conversation onwards and upwards. It’s hard, because you want to gush and be loopily smitten, and any good friend is going to be happy for you and want to hear about it…but I, personally, get fed up quickly if it’s all another friend can talk about.

    • Anon

      Make sure to ask about your friends about their lives and discuss non-boy-related topics with them. In the same situation I tend to mention boy at every opportunity, which I’m sure is annoying. (Eg, when shopping, I won’t say ‘this is a great dress and I like the color’, I’ll say ‘this is a great dress and I can wear it out with boy’.)

      • Respect face-to-face time

        And don’t keep texting him and relaying every bit of the convo when you and your friends are out together. I hate being made to feel like a third wheel during dinner or shopping or whatever when New Boy isn’t even there. And if you would rather be on a date with him, then you should just do so instead. I don’t know how unusual I am, but I’d rather see my friends less but have it be a fun day with them than to ever feel like an intrusion. Quality vs. quantity of time is totally OK by me. I fully expect to have less time from friends when they’re into someone new. (That doesn’t mean their time is more important than mine though.)

    • Anonymous

      also, be conscious of the condescending “you’ll understand when its you!” and “let’s get you set-up with someone so we can double date!” convos that seem to come handing in hand with the gushiness.

      signed,
      your single friends who don’t find this helpful (unless you genuinely have someone in mind for that double date, in which case, what haven’t you mention this dude sooner?!)

    • Senior Attorney

      I actually think the guidelines here are similar to the Divorce Talk guidelines. I.e. it’s all you can think about, it’s all consuming, but man oh man most people super do not want to hear more than a few moments of it.

      When I had houseguests while very recently post-separated, we laughingly agreed that I could talk about Mr. Senior Attorney for only 60 seconds at a time. It worked out surprisingly well and could work just as well for talk about The Object of Your Affections.

      • Anon

        I think this is a great rule for so many things that the speaker might want to talk about endlessly, but no one else wants to hear about it endlessly. Weddings, pregnancy, babies, home renovations, marathon training, vacations (particularly with photos)…

        • anon1040

          Oh god yes… A good friend of mine came over for dinner and a 2.5 hour monologue on her life yesterday. She’s going through a tough time, but it’s a strain on the friendship.

          • Anon

            Really? Isn’t this what friends are for? To talk to about your life in hard times? & vice versa – be there when your friend is having it rough? I don’t get this capping of conversations/cutting people off reaction.

        • Double-Bingo

          + to Anon at 1:36. I think these are the things friends talk to each other about, often for longer than 60 seconds at a time. That said, it’s always good to be mindful of making it a *conversation* instead of a monologue.

    • Avery

      Aw good to hear! Be respectful of your friends of course, but I’m sure they’re happy that you’re happy.

    • hellskitchen

      Perhaps create your own version of the Bechdel test? :-)

      “The Bechdel test asks whether a work of fiction features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. Many contemporary works fail this test of gender bias.”

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test

  10. Ann Taylor sizing

    Can I get some size/fit advice before I place a Final Sale online order for Ann Taylor All-Season Stretch suiting?

    Most of my suiting is Talbots Seasonless wool and I wear a 16P on top and 18 on the bottom.

    How likely to fit is the Ann Taylor jacket in 16 and pants in 18 Curvy?

    • AttiredAttorney

      I find Talbots and Ann Taylor sizing fairly comparable. I think you would be safe with those sizes.

  11. Ruined silk

    I shrunk a silk shirt and the sleeves now hit higher than my wristbones. I’m upset because I’m tall, this was a tall shirt from JCPenney that they are no longer carrying, and I’ll probably never find another cheap source of silk shirts that fit. Any styling ideas for continuing to wear it, other than under a sweater or with sleeves rolled up? It shrunk lengthwise as well.

    Also, is washing silk an absolute no-no? I’ve gotten along fine doing the hand wash cycle with a tiny load on cold.. Until now.

    • Ruined silk

      Grrr!! I’m kicking myself that I didn’t stock up on all the colors when I could. I didn’t know Jcp was phasing out all their current stock at the time.

    • tesyaa

      I wouldn’t expect silk to shrink in cold water, so I’d probably have washed it too. In terms of the length, I’d wear a silky or nice cotton tank top under it and either tuck or leave untucked as desired. In terms of the sleeves, can you cut and hem them to a true 3/4 or elbow length, or have a tailor do it?

      And I wonder if it’s permanently shrunk or if it might actually stretch out if worn, since silk is a natural fiber (and like I said, shouldn’t shrink).

      • Another Kat

        It is stretchy but it’s 100 percent silk so yeah, I’m surprised and upset. I’ll see about shortening the sleeves – I could probably chop off and reattach the cuffs higher up. That would be good for summer, not so good for wearing under sweaters with slim sleeves. I love silk for layering though because I can’t wear cotton button ups under sweaters without feeling bulky, so I’m really disappointed.

    • ss

      The problem with washing silk is that a lot of it is treated to create a glossy finish or special texture, and washing in water fluffs up the fibres in some way that can permanently change the effect of the finishing treatment. I wouldn’t wash a special silk garment but I wear silk tanks a lot under suits and I have these made for me with the glossy side inside, so that they feel good against the skin and can be hand-washed in cold water without too much impact on the duller outside.

    • Bonnie

      Silk material is generally loosely woven and leaving it in water too long can cause the weave to tighten. Silk can be hand washed but should not be left in water longer than a few minutes. If the shirt shrunk lengthwise, it may be time to toss it in the donate pile. You can try stretching the shirt after soaking it in baby shampoo but the method is not very efficient for silk.

      • Another Kat

        Thanks everyone for all the great information. Would you all recommend dry cleaning silk always in light of this information? I wore this shirt often enough that I didn’t want to constantly run to the dry cleaners. I don’t know why it suddenly shrunk after five or so successful washes.

        • tesyaa

          I don’t have any silk blouses, but I have not had a problem washing silk sweaters. However, sweaters are knits, not wovens.

        • Mpls

          Personally, I don’t dry clean unless I absolutely have to. I wash my own silk, wool, down coats, whatever. Typically, if something has shrunk after washing, it won’t shrink anymore. Which is why you wash fabric before making something after it (pre-shrinking).

          • Anonymous

            Yep. I’ve found the items that shrunk were from brands that have been cutting quality and did not properly pre-shrink (ahem, J. Crew). The item no longer fit me, but it at least was done shrinking and I could sell it on ebay (with the new measurements) to someone it might fit without being concerned that I was selling her the Magical Disappearing Dress.

    • MJ

      I would take it to a tailor and have it converted to a short-sleeve blouse for summer, if that’d work from the style.

    • Anon

      If you have a steamer, you could try loosening it that way to see if it will lengthen again. Sometimes my silk dries “tight” until I steam it.

      • Mpls

        Mine also gets some of it’s sheen back when I iron it (on the silk setting) with a little bit of steam. My collection of silk shirts is largely from Jcrew.

      • hoola hoopa

        This advice on how to un-shrink a wook sweater may be helpful: http://kottke.org/00/01/like-an-idiot-i-threw

        I haven’t tried it yet, but I certainly wish I’d seen it before I got rid of a beloved wool sweater that I badly shrunk :(

        I like the idea to shorten the sleeves. I think a cap sleeve could still layer under a sweater. I often have more luck wearing shorter tops with skirts, so try that.

        • tesyaa

          I’ve tried this with no luck. But it might work for some sweaters. And if a wool sweater has felted (i.e. has made it partway to boiled wool status), forget it.

          • hoola hoopa

            Ah, man! Boo :(

            I’m pretty sure that sweater that I had to give up had felted, so I guess I feel better about that at least.

    • Fiona

      Stalk it on eBay – you can set up an alert that emails you when matching items are posted.

  12. hopefully simple question

    TJ – my mother is buying her first smartphone. She has narrowed it down to either an iphone 5(c) or an LG G and thinks she wants to get the iphone.

    She doesn’t have any other apple products. Will she have any trouble syncing her iphone and her computer?
    Are there any negative considerations for her? She’ll be a pretty basic iphone user. I don’t really know enough about technology to advise her – she wants to make sure she’ll be able to use/sync her (1)gmail calendar; (2) view/upload pictures to tumblr; and (3) read her gmail.

    • tesyaa

      Syncing an iphone using itunes is a pain for even an experienced user (I hate itunes and I’m on my 5th apple device), but my husband has never synced his phone, and apparently a lot of people never do. She will not have any problem with gmail or tumblr; she can download the apps without ever touching her computer.

      • CKB

        So glad I’m not the only one that hates iTunes! Took me a good 30 minutes last month to figure out how to transfer my Christmas music playlist from iTunes to my phone. I only ever use iTunes when I absolutely have to because it sucks. It amazes me how un-user friendly iTunes is when I find the iPhones SO user friendly. It’s definitely a disconnect, imo.

      • A Nonny Moose

        I’ve been a mac user from my first computer, and even I hate the new itunes set up. Thankfully, I never use it to sync my iphone. Your mom should be fine using gmail and syncing it to the cloud.

      • TBK

        I hate iTunes so much. I’m convinced Apple is actively trying to be obnoxious. Either that or iTunes development is where they put all their terrible hires who would otherwise be fired.

    • Bonnie

      I never sync my phone to itunes. My DH has the LG and I do think that the iphone is more user friendly.

    • KLG

      If 2 of her 3 main uses involve google products, the LG is probably the way to go. The android phones integrate really seamlessly with google calendar/gmail/google maps/etc.

      • ELS

        Just to say you don’t have to use the LG phone in this situation — I’m an iPhone user, and my gmail and google calendar have synced seamlessly with my iPhone, too. It took about 2 minutes to set up, and was no harder than adding my Apple accounts to my phone.

        That said, I’m not saying that the LG phone wouldn’t also serve her needs — just that the iPhone could, as well.

    • Anon

      I have been using exclusively macs for 7 years (and an iPhone for 6) and even I don’t sync my iPhone to my computer, ever. There is no reason to do so.

  13. TBK

    My mom is visiting this weekend and I’m already stressing. She has slightly off-beat beliefs about the Way Things Should Be but also is very judgmental about people who disagree with her. She’s staying at our house with my husband and dog, but obviously I’m still in the hospital. She’s a bit of a clean/neat freak and while I know our house is clean (we have a woman who cleans every other week) I’m also about 99% sure it’s a mess since my husband has been there alone now for about two months. While she’s warming up to him, she’s still not a huge fan of my husband’s and I know she’ll think less of him after seeing the messy house (I realize this is ridiculous — like we haven’t got enough going on and like my husband doesn’t have enough on his plate with me in the hospital). She’s also likely to comment on how big I’ve gotten, which doesn’t really bother me (I’m pregnant. With twins. I’m going to be big.) but it still is just annoying (especially because she tends to make fat jokes that she thinks are funny because I’m not fat, I’m pregnant, but it’s still just weird and awkward). She also tends to “help” by doing things she wants to do without regard for whether they’re helpful to us or not, while ignoring the things we specifically said “it would be so helpful to us if you did [X].” Then there are the little things like last time she was here, when I was on bed rest at home, she went on and on about how cute I’d look in a different haircut. I mean on and on. Even after I pointed out to her that, being on bed rest, I wasn’t getting any hair cut any time soon. Finally she tends to be overdramatic about everything. So if someone has a medical issue, they’re either to be completely pitied as having the worst life on earth, or else she notes that it’s bad but not nearly as bad as being a rape victim in a refugee camp in Syria/going through childbirth in a rural part of an African country that practices FGM/other totally unrelated awful thing that HAS NOTHING TO DO with whatever we’re talking about (seriously, you could be talking about someone’s broken arm and she goes right to childbirth in South Sudan). She will also comment on who has put on weight and judge them for it (she’s naturally very thin). And we will also have to discuss the entire extended family and either pity them or judge them (or both).

    I love her. She’s my mom. And she loves me and is worried about me, and the babies. Usually I blow her visits out of proportion and dread them more than necessary. The plus side is that I tend to be pleasantly surprised. The down side is that I’m sometimes short with her because I’m anticipating the worst.

    Tips for coping?

    • Sydney Bristow

      Blog her visit for us and turn it into a book someday? Sorry I don’t have any real suggestions. It sounds like more stress than you guys need. Hopefully the positives will outweigh the negatives of her visit.

    • Silvercurls

      Yikes. This sounds stressful at a time when you don’t need it. However, she’s your mom and you share mutual love and concern for each other and the babies.
      Suggestions off the top of my head–take what’s useful and ignore the rest. You have good ideas for other people, so I’d have faith in your ability to handle this challenge, also.

      – Applied zen: take a lot of deep deep breaths and let everything slide off your back.
      – Marital tactics: Before she arrives, tell DH how much you love him and appreciate him, that you know your mom can be difficult with him, and that you’re trying your best to support him. (Adjust this any way you like to fit the details of the family dynamics.)
      – Mom-daughter tactics: When your mom starts to criticize your husband for his domestic failings, acknowledge and express appreciation for her concern, then add “but DH has been spending most of his spare time focusing on me and the babies.”
      – Strategic self-distraction: Check with yourself before you respond to anything she says. If you notice you’re getting anywhere close to the preliminary stages of being disregulated, s l ow yourself down. Take another deep breath or count to a predetermined number. Remind yourself that you two care about each other, that you won’t be on bed rest forever, and that this weekend visit is truly a finite period of time.
      – Envision your future life: Eventually you will be so happily busy taking care of twins that you’ll have less energy to dread your mom’s visits ahead of time.
      – Strategic dissembling: If your mom notices your slower-than-usual rate of conversation, blame it on some side effect of bed rest.
      – Diligent self-preservation: Give yourself “alone” time to work, rest, or just regain tranquility. Again, you can blame bed rest (e.g., “My doctor wants me to rest for 20 minutes every 2 hours”). Hopefully your mom isn’t accompanying you to doctor’s visits which might blow your cover story!
      Good luck! I hope it’s a non-aggravating visit.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Are you my long-lost sister?

      Seriously though. I’ve turned my mom into my personal bingo game. Body snarking? Check mark. Sniping about the cleanliness of my house? Check mark. Catastrophizing and/or minimizing based on comparisons to totally unrelated things? Check mark. Downgrading her opinion of my husband based on minor life details that aren’t even attributable to him? Triple check mark. Random rude gossip about people I don’t know? Check mark. Hey, look! BINGO!

      Sounds silly, but it helps me because it reminds me that she’s *going* to do all of the annoying things that I wish she wouldn’t do. When I approach it from a “these things are going to happen and there’s nothing I can do to prevent or mitigate it” perspective, it makes it easier, because it takes it from being something I can manage or control (which, hey, I can’t) and moves it into the territory of things that are irritating but inevitable (like bad weather, or traffic during rush hour).

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        I should add that I respond to basically everything she says with some version of “uh-huh” or “interesting” or “I’ll think about that.” If it’s something more serious (i.e. of the “your husband is the worst at X” variety) I stick with “I’m not sure I’d agree with that” + subject change. (While I know the ideal would be a stronger defense of H, strong, gushing disagreements with her opinions tend to provoke monologues on why she’s right, while a milder response + subject change lets her leave the conversation thinking she’s right and lets me avoid an argument.)

        • Saltylady

          I am going to make serious efforts to emulate your approach with my inlaws. I figured out they say that stuff specifically for the purpose of drawing me into a conversation/argument. “that’s interesting” would be the best antidote.

      • Godzilla

        I know bingo is a common suggestion here but it sounds like she will have a lot of idle time, especially with you. Can the two of you learn a new skill together? Like knit/crochet/embroider together? Something low-stakes item to concentrate on that you can do while on bed rest.

      • Senior Attorney

        One of the things I do with my mom when she starts in on the same thing for the umpteenth time is say, “Yeah, you were telling me about that.” It doesn’t slow her down much but for some reason it makes me feel a little better.

    • Mpls

      Send her on lots of errands that you don’t really care about? Make her feel useful and keep her out of your hair.

      Books for the babies? Lunch to bring back to share?

      Would she be open to staying at a hotel (“our place is such a mess because of this bed rest thing, and we want you to be comfortable. It’s has XYZ ammenities!”)?

    • AIMS

      It may be too late for this but can you ask the cleaning person to come before your mom gets there?

      Otherwise I would just head off all this buy saying something like, “So glad your here! I haven’t been home for 2 months and we’ve both been under a lot of stress so please not one word about the state of the apartment, how huge I’ve gotten or how the South Sudanese are doing in comparison. I love you, but I need to focus on all happy thoughts right now.” And then if she deviates from the plan, just steer her back with a “Mom, we’ve talked about this!” I think a lot of this is in how you say it. If you just have a light approach as if you’re in a cheesy sitcom, it makes it easier for her to hear and for you to take. You can’t control your mother, but you can decide how you respond to her.

      • preg 3L

        I like this idea a lot. I think starting off your visit with a quick sentence to try to head off some of the comments, and being able to say “Mom we talked about this!” the rest of the time, could be helpful.

      • Senior Attorney

        What if her first project were to clean up the mess in the house?

        “OMG, Mom! So glad you’re here! With me being gone and DH working and visiting me, the apartment has gone to h-e-double hockey sticks and OMG if you could shovel it out it would mean the world to us!!”

        And then you could just counter all her kvetching about the condition of the place with “OMG I KNOW! You are such an angel for dealing with it for us!!!”

    • frustrated academic

      Are we sisters–cause this sounds a lot like my mom! I have taken to internally rolling my eyes and changing the subject, sometimes abruptly. I also offer extravagant praise when she helps by actually helping and a more lukewarm thanks or a “oh you didn’t have to do that,” when she does something that she thinks helps.

      I am about 34 weeks pregnant, and she clearly has issues with the fact that I will be going back to work (comments like I was lucky that your father made enough that I did not have to work; and that she will not be moving in to take care of the baby), but I try to just ignore those comments and change the subject. Her visits produce a rich inner monologue–but I have come to realize that I cannot change how she behaves, only how I react to it. Good luck!

    • posey

      I sometimes get really anxious when I have to see my family and almost every time it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, and often times it’s perfectly fine and even pleasant, with everyone having a nice time. So lately I’ve been trying to calm myself down beforehand by thinking that while family get-togethers have been difficult in the past, they are usually and have recently been completely benign events. To be fair, my dynamic doesn’t sound as bad as yours. But, maybe reminding yourself that it probably won’t be as bad as you’re anticipating it to be will help you deal with some of the anxiety leading up to it.

    • Bewitched

      Carolyn Hax had a column about a different topic not too long ago-but her advice seems applicable to this and many other situations. If I recall correctly, the person who wrote in thought her parents were not that interested in her kids (grandchildren) by virtue of what her parents said and did. This was upsetting to the mom. Carolyn basically said, if you are always looking for a gallon of milk, and you get a pint, you will be upset. If you look for a pint of milk and get a pint, you won’t be disappointed. In other words, this is the way your mom has always been. Yes, it’s more stressful right now, but she’s unlikely to change, so you will be disappointed if you expect her to change on this visit. Expect her to behave the same way she always has (and use some of the games/suggestions to temper her behavior in your own mind), but that way, if she acts the way she always has, you won’t be disappointed. If she’s actually helpful and engaged, you will be pleasantly surprised.

  14. Lyssa

    Long weekend (or lack thereof) rant: My birthday is this weekend. For many years, my husband and I have had a tradition of both taking a 3 day weekend for our birthdays, including presents, a nice dinner out, and a special birthday breakfast. My birthday has always been easy, since it always falls near MLK day, which has been a holiday at every office I’ve worked at up to now. I did take an extra day off for his b-day last fall. He’s a SAHD now, so days off are no longer an issue for him.

    But, now my new office does not close on MLK day. Which I guess I really shouldn’t complain about, since a lot of offices don’t, and, come on, it’s not like most people are out there spending the day in reflections of the meaning of the man that was MLK. And, I’ve been super-busy, such that I didn’t feel comfortable asking for the day off. (I work in one of those small offices with no real PTO policy.) So, I feel like I got scr3wed out of my b-day weekend. Fooey!

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m sorry its going to be different this year. Happy almost birthday though!

    • CKB

      :( sorry your birthday plans aren’t working out this year. That sucks. I hope you can fit some celebration time in despite being super busy. Happy birthday!

  15. MJ

    PSA – Brooks Brothers’ Super-Duper clearance has started. There are some _really_ good deals over there, particularly on shoes, winter coats, and non-iron shirts.

    • BB

      Yay! Thanks for the PSA! I just went in and ordered $700 worth of stuff for about $250 after discount. Also, I think you might have been the one who recommended Hawes and Curtis for a Pink alternative. I just ordered a bunch of shirts from them too, so thanks for the rec there!

      • MJ

        Yep, that was me! Love Hawes & Curtis! Don’t be sad if the fit is all over the place…their stuff is consistent once you figure out what fit you are!

        Also, Austin Reed has some pretty shirts that go on SuperSale and Charles Tyrwhitt too. Tyrwhitt is really boxy though…akin to BB classic fit.

        Hope you like your Hawes stuff.

  16. Stressed

    Lawyer ladies–how do you deal with work related stress? I am a second year associate in the corporate group at a 250ish person law firm, and for the past couple of week, I have been under tight deadlines by important partners.

    The issue? All other associates are swamped, so I have to do all of the work myself. How do you deal with the stress? I am not one of those people that can stay up all night to complete tasks (which is what a lot of this would require)–but there barely seems to be enough hours in the day to get assignments churned out. My to-do list keeps growing, and I am constantly feeling like I’m disappointing important partners this past couple of weeks. None have expressed that, but I know that I am pushing deadlines to the limit. Also, some of the problem is that if I have a follow up question for the partner, it takes them days (sometimes) to get back to me. By the time they respond, I already have another pile of work to complete for other importnat partners (so completing their original task becomes delayed, and so on).

    Your thoughts and insight would be much appreciated. I suspect that a lot of these issues have to do with me needing to prioritize work better, but I don’t exactly know how to do that.

    • preg 3L

      Tips I predict will be suggested: 1- if you email a partner and s/he doesn’t respond, call or go to their office. 2- stop feeling like a disappointment and be proud of how much you’re accomplishing! You’re not “a disappointment” — you’re busy. The partners are busy too and probably have only thought of you as the-associate-getting-work-done. 3- make sure you take some time every day to take a deep breath and make sure this amount of work doesn’t burn you out completely.

      FWIW, I doubt this has anything to do with your skills and ability to prioritize. Have you responded to incoming assignments with how busy you are? Sometimes partners do have someone else who can do the work and they just don’t have any sense of each associate’s workload.

    • Godzilla

      First, you need a treat. Candy, coffee, drink, whatever, treat yo’self. Do it, take the 15 min, walk around, indulge.

      Come back to your desk. Make yourself a MASSIVE calendar. Put all your due dates for ALL of your work on there. If you don’t have a handle on your workload, it can really be stressful. When you give deadlines to other people, build in some wiggle room for yourself (say, an extra 12-24 hours earlier than you actually need it).

      Be prepared to push back on other people who give you work. “I’m working on XYZ for Partner Rectangle due in 3 days. What is the timeframe for this work?” PUSH PUSH PUSH – you cannot do all of the work.

      Find/hire a grunt (long term goal). Eventually, go to your supervisor and list that you’re working on 200 hours worth of work in 80 hours (or whatever) and you need to hire people. Figure it out.

      Lastly, slay and conquer. RAWR!

      • January

        I don’t want to add much to this comment, but I wanted to chime in and say that Godzilla has given you some excellent advice, especially when it comes to pushing back and keeping very close tabs on what is on your plate. Good luck!

  17. Anon S

    Happy Friday ladies! Threadjack!

    I am considering submitting my resume and would love to hear y’alls input. I am a mid level associate, and I have been at my current firm for slightly under a year. This is my second firm – I made a lateral move here last year. Compared to my first firm (where I was making absolute top dollar and above market bonuses but I was absolutely miserable), my second/current firm is a dream. I am making below market salary and I don’t even think they give out bonuses, but I mesh well with the people and there are a few partners I’ve developed great rapports with. I also like the work a lot better at my current firm than my first. My only reason for considering a move is money. I don’t like the feeling (or the reality!) of making below market money and not even getting a bonus when I am basically doing market work. I’m not billing insane hours but I’m going to be a little above 2000. The place that is hiring that I am considering is similar to my first firm in terms of the whole prestige and money factor.

    Who even knows if they would hire me, but I guess it can’t hurt to submit the resume? What are your thoughts? Is it stupid of me to just chase money? I wouldn’t lateral again unless I was pretty sure that I would like the people and the work over there. The more senior I become, the more of a discrepancy there is between my current firm’s payscale and market pay.

    I will also say that my husband and I will probably have children in 2 years, so at that time I would like to try to work part time. I don’t know if that’s a factor into my decision at this time and would just like to hear everyone’s thoughts. My husband thinks that it’s worth submitting my resume and seeing what’s out there to keep my options open. The whole thing is just stressing me out. I do like my current firm but it’s like the feeling of being embarrassed…why do they have to be so cheap???

    • Godzilla

      1. Apply.
      2. When is your annual review? That’s the time to bring up money. With back up research on market rates.
      3. Bring up money again if/when you leave.
      4. Don’t feel silly.
      5. Lots of things can happen in 2 years, don’t leave before you leave, Sheryl Sandberg blah blah blah.

      I’m here all day folks.

      • Anon S

        Godzilla, thank you for responding!

        2. When is your annual review? That’s the time to bring up money. With back up research on market rates. [At my current firm, annual review will happen in March. I will find out in March whether I am bumped up to the next level, and whether I get a bonus, which again is probably not happening and it’s really annoying!!]
        3. Bring up money again if/when you leave. [What do you mean – bring up money to the new firm that I would be going to? I know for sure this firm pays market, lockstep rates and bonuses]
        4. Don’t feel silly. [thank you! I don’t want to sound money hungry, but with salary and bonus, i’m basically making 50kish less than my peers. Is happiness worth 50K? But maybe I could also be happy at this other firm and making market?]
        5. Lots of things can happen in 2 years, don’t leave before you leave, Sheryl Sandberg blah blah blah. [Do you mean that I shouldn’t necessarily plan that I’m definitely leaving in about 2 years? b/c I was thinking, hmm would it be bad to go to another firm, and then only work there for like less than 2 years and then go on maternity leave and then ask them if I could work part time….I guess that’s a lot of if’s?]

        • lawsuited

          I will try to translate Gozilla-speak:

          2. You would bring up money if/when you leave in an exit interview with your current firm.

          5. Don’t mentally check out until you’re actually making a move somewhere or make a decision today because you *might* have children 2 year from now.

    • Anon S

      P.S. If I did end up leaving current firm, does it look bad at all on my resume that I’d be at 3 different firms in a relatively short amount of time?

      • MJ

        YES. We have had two associates leave my group lately (who were laterals–under 6th years) and even though in both cases their first moves were to change geography due to family circumstances (spouse’s jobs), the partners smacktalk both associates as “three firms in five years–that’s not good” ALL THE TIME.

        * Note, I work for gossipy, vindictive partners who take it personally anytime ANYONE leaves.

    • LH

      I’m not really sure what moving will accomplish. There’s an (inverse) correlation between money and lifestyle at most law firms. You said you were miserable at the first firm – do you have any reson to believe this one will be better? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with chasing money but you have to be willing to sacrifice lifestyle and it sounds to me like you’re not really. If you do go, I’d be prepared to stick it out at least 2-3 years. Moving every year or so makes you look pretty flaky. Also is your end goal being a partner? If so, you might also consider how difficult it is to make partner at each place – my guess is much easier at the lower paying firm.

      • Anon S

        Don’t have any reason (yet) to know that the new firm would be better than the first. I asked a friend at the new firm if he knew anything about the group I am in, and he said he has a friend there who is really happy and bills about 2000. That’s really the only info I have, other than what the recruiter tells me which I take with a grain of salt. I’m totally not willing to sacrifice relative happiness but I don’t yet know if the new firm would be the same as the first. I need to get more info. And also agree that if I do go, there’s no way I could move after that to a fourth place. Goal is definitely not to make partner.

        What’s the best way to get info on a firm outside from the recruiter?

      • preg 3L

        +1. You switched firms because lifestyle was more important than money. Now you’re interested in money again. So, you should bring it up with your current firm at your review (as Godzilla said). It doesn’t look great (I’m told) to have 3 firms in 3 years, but you might not even get hired at the 3rd firm. Applying to the 3rd firm doesn’t mean you have to take the job. Apply now so that you might have a new job offer by the time your annual review at your current firm happens.

        To respond to something you said up-thread, I think it’s foolish to plan on leaving your job in 2 years. First, you have no idea how much you’ll like or dislike a new job — you might leave much sooner than 2 years. Second, you have no idea how long it might take you to get pregnant — you might be there much longer than 2 years. They might have a generous maternity leave policy (e.g., 4-6 months) which may seem “worth staying for.” Overall, it sounds like right now, you don’t have any other overarching life challenges. Someday, your job may not be the most important part of your life, so maybe consider — which set of colleagues would I want to have when I’m [dealing with trying to get pregnant / working & incredibly sick during my first trimester of pregnancy / trying to come back to work as a new mom because you might hate being home all day with your baby / etc.].

        That being said, there’s no harm in applying. Just don’t leave before you leave, as Godzilla said.

        • Anon S

          Thanks! To be more accurate, I’m not unequivocally planning to leave my job in 2 years. I’m saying that part of the general 5 year plan for me and hubby is that we will try to start having kids at some point in 2015, with the understanding that who knows how long it will take to conceive or what other issues may arise between now and then. I am pretty much unequivocally saying that I will not be working full time at a law firm when I do have children, whenever that may be (part time at law firm would be ideal).

      • Holly

        +1

        On the embarassment thing: There are great lawyers everywhere – small firms and large. Does your current firm have a good reputation in your field? Is that something you can leverage to get your name out there through publications, panels, other events? There may be other ways to get that “prestige” factor back without having to go back to biglaw.

      • baseballfan

        “There’s an (inverse) correlation between money and lifestyle at most law firms. ”

        This is 99% of the bottom line (and applies to many other types of jobs). It sounds like, long-term, lifestyle is what is important to you. Nothing wrong with that. Assuming your personal finances are not in jeopardy, do the job that makes you happy. We spend the vast majority of the waking hours of our adult lives at work. I myself recently decided that money was less important than lifestyle.

    • mascot

      When you say that you do market work what does that mean exactly? Are you doing the same type of work for the same caliber of clients? (Coke vs Pepsi for example) Or are you working for smaller companies that demand lower billing rates which leads to lower salaries? Did they tell you at the outset that there are no bonuses?
      I’d also think about why you wanted to leave your old firm. If you just didn’t like the people, that’s one thing. If you hated the pressure and the hours of a prestige firm, those are the trade-off for the larger salary.

      • Anon S

        mascot – when I said I did “market work” I meant it’s not like I’m billing 1800 hours or working for smaller shop clients. I think part of the issues is my specific practice group. It’s not a practice group who has the type of clients who are going to pay insane billing rates. But at my first firm, we did a ton of “support” work for the groups whose clients did pay the top dollar rate, but that was part of the reason I didn’t like the work at the first firm – b/c so much of my practice was supporting other groups instead of having my own clients. they did not tell me at the outset that there were no bonuses, which is why I’m annoyed. Before i accepted my offer, i asked them if i would get a prorated bonus, and they said yes and they put that in my offer letter. Buuutttt a proration of 0 is still 0. I’ve also talked to other associates here and everyone pretty much agrees the firm isn’t upfront about compensation. They told me that salary here was “merit based” but it’s not true – it’s lockstep, though of course at a lower rate than market lockstep.

        My first firm….I can’t even tell you what a nightmare the group was. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but just imagine your worst nightmare of people and that’s what it was. It really had nothing to do with long hours or pressure. I can handle that and that wasn’t the worst thing about working there. It was strictly the people (and secondly the work, but the people factored into that b/c the people who had the best work were the a**holes).

        I guess the grass is always greener. I am happy here with everything but the money. I am not willing to take more money but be miserable again. I’m just wondering if it’s possible to make more money but still be happy.

  18. applying for mba

    Hi Everyone,
    I’m entering an MBA program in the fall. Last fall, I left my job in media sales/operations because I felt that I wasn’t going to be able to submit applications on time otherwise so I’m helping out at a national charity right now (simple stuff- phones, office help, etc).

    Does anyone know of any pre-MBA internships I could look for?

    • Godzilla

      I have no idea if there is such a thing as “pre-MBA”. Why don’t you just apply to industry internships that interest you (obviously ones you qualify/almost qualify for)?

    • MJ

      I would look for general internships, but there are some big companies that try to snag incoming MBAs…if I recall, mostly consumer products/brand mgmt. P&G does it, for sure. However, the only people who got those internships were already CPG superstars, at my school, so…there’s that.

  19. anon for this

    Looking for some hive support today… got in a huge, ugly fight with my boyfriend last night that’s making me reevaluate our entire relationship (to this point, we have been planning on getting married and working toward that goal). To make things worse, he’s leaving on a trip this weekend and we won’t have the opportunity to talk things out once we’ve both calmed down. I was such a mess this morning I decided to take the opportunity to work from home so I could cry in between assignments. Then, I was called in on an emergency meeting for a project and client I wasn’t even responsible for — I’m just expected to pick up someone else’s slack at the last minute. Currently breaking down in my office and trying to get it together before I have to go to a meeting with the chair of my company. Hugs and rawrs appreciated :(

    • Godzilla

      Hugs and rawrs! Actually, it’s a good thing you have this weekend apart. You have time to calm down and rationally think through your issues. You can do this – GO FORTH AND BE AWESOME RAWR!

    • Senior Attorney

      HUGS!!

      and

      RAWRS!!

      You can do this!!

      And when you get home you can have hugs and rawrs and chocolate and wine!!

      XXX OOO

    • TBK

      I’m so sorry. Will your boyfriend be someplace tonight where you can Skype if you can’t talk in person? Otherwise, maybe a weekend to yourself is just what you need if you really are reevaluating the whole relationship. (Although, unless the fight started from some stunning revelation from him, I’m skeptical that one fight can derail what I assume is a several years’ long relationship leading toward marriage. Was this something that had happened before but this instance was the straw that broke the camel’s back?) If you get to the point that you feel you really do want to continue the relationship, my husband and I will often exchange text messages that just say “I love you” after we’ve had a fight. We might still be spitting mad at each other, and still need to have more conversations to work out the issue, but it’s a nice reminder that angry as we are, we’re still together and still love each other and we’re going to work it out. (Obviously if you decide you’re not interested in the relationship anymore, this doesn’t work.)

    • lawsuited

      It’s great that you were able to pick up in an emergency when you weren’t planning to be in the office and didn’t know the client. I wish I had co-workers like you! Well done :)

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