Coffee Break: Florisa Pointy Toe Pump

113 Comments

1. So, there may be a discussion on the other thread I didn’t see, but have we talked about the Phd who is blogging about trying to Lean In and negotiate salary, and the job offer was rescinded? Link to follow to avoid moderation.

   1. Link : http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2014/03/13/lost-faculty-job-offer-raises-questions-about-negotiation-strategy

   2. That’s scary. I can’t speak about academia, but I think that an associate who aggressively overestimated their worth* at my firm could raise some red flags about being a good fit with the firm culture. I’m not exactly sure where that line is, though. It wouldn’t just be a request for a higher salary–it would be more like the additional things that the PhD requested: longer than normal maternity leave + limited workload + additional vacation time, etc.

      *I don’t like my use of the word “worth” and use it in a kind of tongue-in-cheek way.

   3. I think that she didn’t handle this well. Tone was bad, email was the wrong format, and too many asks. Negotiate salary? Yes. Negotiate salary plus some other benefit/perk? Yes. Try and negotiate everything, much of which amounts to time away, all at once, at a very junior level? Probably not a good idea.

      1. I agree. The woman was WAY to pushey! If you want alot of thing’s, it is ALWAYS better to have a negotieator do it for you. In my case, I had my DAD do the negotieating for me. The big diference between this woman and ME is that I had ALREADY established myself as VERY valueable to the firm, so the manageing partner was alot more likeley to grant my dad’s wishes. This woman was new to the University, and therefore, she sounded pushey, especialy in writing.

         More importantily, I had my dad do the negotieating b/c I have to work with the manageing partner every day, so it would NOT have been smart for me to be goieng at it with him for the thing’s my dad got for me. Now that I have the contract in hand, and am a partner in good standeing, I do NOT get under the manageing partner’s skin, the way I would if I was the one wining for more benefit’s or salarie’s or time off. FOOEY on all that negotieating. I save my negotieating for the other side in my litieagation’s! YAY!!!!!!

         Myrna called to tell me that she saw the guy serveing up a Beef Stew today, and she likes beef stew, but decided NOT to get it b/c she can NOT be sure what is in it or what he would put in it on the service line if she were to stand on that line to get it when HE served it. I told her about a college guy who I knew who adultearated soup with stuff that did not belong in it that his ex girlfreind liked b/c he knew she would be askeing for that soup in the cafeteria. FOOEY on HIM! FOOEY!

   4. I know nothing about academia so perhaps some of these requests are common. I assume that this is an entry level position. Salary and start date seem fairly reasonable. I don’t know what the college’s policies are for maternity leave (FMLA-eligibility seems likely) and sabbatical. But, she’s effectively asked for a year off before even stepping on campus, right? Seems like she could have found out about the maternity policy beforehand so that she didn’t have to mention it. Class preps sound time consuming although maybe common for junior faculty and arguably a good learning experience in how to teach.

      1. I’m an academic. It’s not strange to request a year off at the beginning. I’d guess that the college she had an offer from wouldn’t be likely to grant the request (because it is fairly teaching oriented, and the leave would be in support of research rather than teaching). But several of my friends in the humanities were able to negotiate finishing their postdocs before starting.

         Limited preps are also a common negotiating point. What this means is just that she is requesting in her first year to teach multiple sections of the same class rather than 6 or 8 (not sure what Naz’s teaching load is) wholly new classes. While it may not be possible to accommodate, it’s actually in the department’s interest to do so if possible, because the first year of full-time teaching is overwhelming for everyone, and a new hire is more likely to do a good job in their first year if she is not trying to write new lectures for four separate classes that each meets 3 times a week.

         On maternity leave, I don’t know the details, but my guess is that they have a crap policy and she was trying to negotiate something better for herself. Again, maybe not going to work, but hardly a crazy thing to request.

         Honestly, I’m pretty shocked that the college pulled the offer. It seems like really bad behavior. Philosophy as a discipline is notorious for their poor treatment of women (you can read the Being a Woman in Philosophy blog if you want some sad examples) and this seems to be in that mold.

         1. Is a full semester (3.5 months?) of maternity leave typical in academia? Or would that just be the starting off point?

            1. It’s what I had, but many places don’t even give that much. I have friends (particularly at public unis) who’ve had to go back after a week. It would be rare to get more than a semester.

            2. Sorry, I meant starting off point for negotiations. Thanks for explaining and also for your additional insights!

            3. The problem is that it’s hard to give off for partial semesters – you can’t really teach half of a class (although there can sometimes be other ways to arrange it, like doing summer teaching instead).

            4. I was thinking about that after I wrote my post: of course it has to be either (1) almost no leave, or (2) a full semester. Particularly if your role is focused more on teaching and less on research and writing. It makes complete sense to ask for a full semester of leave.

      2. I would not say its an entry-level position. Yes, it is junior faculty and is the bottom of the faculty totem pole, but she would have to have a PhD and several years of postdoc experience, so you are almost certainly talking about someone who is in their 30s with close to 10 years+ post-college training in the field…when I think entry-level I think 22 year-old fresh college grad. I think the maternity leave requests are a lot more valid for her than they would be for a new college grad or even a new law school grad asking for a year off before starting. I will say that I can see how asking for limited teaching preps would raise red flags at a teaching institution in a way it would not at a research university. I think “no more than 3 preps per year” is pretty standard in a research university, but at a liberal arts college your primary job really is teaching undergraduates as opposed to doing research. So I can see how that would freak the committee out. I still think pulling the offer is wrong though. And my guess is its not all about the teaching issue and the maternity leave request played a big part (and that’s sexism, in my opinion).

      3. I’m at a very small liberal arts college, and some of these things would be less common at a SLAC than a research university, I think. Regarding family leave and sabbaticals – for us those aren’t individually negotiated; there are specific policies negotiated by faculty counsel that apply to everyone. With such a small faculty, differences in these things can cause big problems. We actually do have a full semester of parental leave, but I’ve only known of pre tenure sabbaticals at research institutions. I think the deferral for the postdoc is a larger problem. For an R1, you not being there for a year means 1 or 2 classes need covering. For this college, it means 8. Eight that an already small dept will need to cover, probably by hiring a visiting person, depending on the specialization needed. For the person to opt to finish a research postdoc over starting the teaching position might have the college assuming that there isn’t really a good fit.

         Being at this type of institution, I get it. You can sense when people don’t really want to be there, and I’m wondering if they had already had hints of that. Still, this was just handled badly. They should have said no, and perhaps expressed concern over fit.

   5. I am not in academia, but it seems like these were a lot of things to ask for all at once, and she might have benefited from a phone or in-person conversation about this where she could gauge the reaction to each ask rather than piling them all on at once. While I don’t think it’s right to rescind an offer, I do not read her story to mean that if you negotiate, you will lose your offer. The circumstances seem fairly particular.

      1. I think it reads that you SHOULD negotiate! Because you have to ask for 5 things at once without gauging for tone in order to have your offer pulled. So if you want to negotiate 2-3 things, like first salary then benefits then start date? Go wild! They won’t pull your offer for doing that.

         1. Word ;o)

   6. I am not a fan of salary negotiations over email, it just seems unnatural to me. Over the phone – perhaps, but I would have made most of these requests in person. Assuming an 8 year tenure track, she is essentially asking for 2.5 years over an 9 year period. That is almost 28% of her time away from the classroom!

      The one year delayed start date would have been enough for me to rescind the offer. If I am interviewing employees, I have a need for someone to begin immediately (or in the university’s case, next school year.) A year delay to finish education would be completely off the table.

      1. Yeah, this is just a thing where academia has very very different norms than most other industries. It is not an unreasonable or uncommon request, although of course not all colleges will be able to accommodate it.

         1. Agreed. My husband is an academic in the hard sciences, and everyone of his colleagues who has started a faculty job has asked, and been permitted, to delay his or her start date by a year.

      2. This is what gets me, people in academia are almost all saying that with the exception of the maternity request, none of these are unusual starting point negotiation asks. that’s troublesome.

         1. Individually each may be fine but not all together. I say this lady needs to read the story of Daedalus and Icarus while she eats her piece of humble pie.

            1. I wouldn’t say that. All of those seem like normal requests to me in academia. Even all together.

            2. This story was very upsetting to me. None of these requests were unreasonable in the academic job market. Many of them may have been discussed before (it is quite likely that the delay start date was brought up during the interview). Her tone seemed fine, she was asking if any of these were possible. She was not demanding.

               I know many people who negotiated over email. I did, and it was very simple. I would think email would be even more appropriate as it gives each side time to think about their response and does not put them on the spot.

2. Finally meeting with a new cleaning person soon and I’m not sure how to handle things. Would you suggest I come up with a written list? If so, what might it look like? I know that sounds stupid… but up until now my M.O. has been to just clean whatever is most filthy!

   1. On some cleaning companies websites they have lists of standard items that they clean (e.g. http://www.merrymaids.com/our-services/maid-service). I’d start there and modify to suit your house and pet peeves. Also, if there are special instructions or supplies you use, be sure to address those in your meeting.

      1. This is good advice. If the service will be using your supplies, make sure they know where they are and how to communicate to you that you are running low. Also, do you want them to take out trash and recycling (and if so, where does it go)? The best cleaning service I had made a list of things that they would not do each visit, but would work through if they had extra time after doing the regular tasks. I thought that worked really well.

   2. I’ve never used a list for a first cleaning. They’ll do their usual, you’ll see it, and you can just leave a post-it for the next time with any changes.

   3. I would either ask them what they do or tell them what you want done before the first cleaning, otherwise you’re likely to get in a situation where you’re disappointed. In addition to cleaning (scrubbing bathrooms and kitchen, vacuuming carpets, dusting, making beds) here are some fairly standard things that they may or may not do:
      -take out trash
      -put away clean dishes that are in the dishwasher (this requires some explanation from you as to where they go)
      -load dirty dishes into dishwasher and run
      -clean the inside of the refrigerator
      -clean the inside of the oven
      -change the linens on the bed
      -do laundry (this is probably the least common of all the things on my list and would only be applicable if you have your own washer/dryer)

   4. 2 things which may not be on standard chore lists
      : Hygiene of cleaning instruments – if you have brushes, clothes etc etc that are ONLY for certain surfaces, you need to spell this out eg. food handling areas, toilet bowls etc.
      : Protection of delicate surfaces – if you have hardwood floors, delicate rugs, special objects on display etc, you may need to provide special instructions. I usually wipe special stuff on my own and give strict directions that nothing EVER is to be dragged on the hardwood floors (vacuum cleaners, buckets of cleaning water, other furniture etc etc).

3. I have a question for the group. Is a shirt dress appropriate to wear to work on a casual day? We are normally a business casual office, but we are allowed to wear jeans on Friday. I’m trying determine whether it’s appropriate to wear a shirt dress to work on a Friday.

   1. If it’s long enough on the sides, I think it should be fine. My office is business casual with jeans on Friday (but people actually wear jeans pretty much any day, just not every day) and it would be completely acceptable here.

   2. I think that a (clean, pressed, not short/tight/cleavag-y, of course) shirt dress would be fine in an environment where jeans are fine. If jackets are the norm, I’d probably wear one, but only if that’s what everyone else is wearing.

      1. I think Ginjury and Lyssa are spot on, but I would add that for me, the dress would also have to be all one length — there are some that emulate a button down hemline and curve up at the sides and, to my eye, no matter how long or how neat, that is too similar a look to just wearing a man’s shirt. A cute look in my personal life, but not one I’d want in my office.

         1. I agree; I didn’t think about the curve-ups. I’d say that they’re probably OK if they’re really shallow and if they are such that the length wouldn’t be inappropriate if the whole dress were that short, but if they’re significant, then I agree it would probably be less than ideal.

            1. Yes. That was my point on the length of the dress as well. While I think a curve on the side would be fine, you should definitely evaluate the length of the dress baased on the sides, not the front. It’s probably best for you to feel like it looks a little too long head on if there is a siginificant difference between the front and sides.

            2. Yes what Ginjury said!!

   3. I think a shirt dress is very similar to jeans on a Friday. BUT, PLEASE make sure it is long enough… i.e. a maximum of 2-3 inches above the knee. I have seen more than one Congressional staffer at work wearing a shirt dress that is technically a dress, but were so short they really looked like they had just forgotten their pants. :o\ And, look at the back view in the mirror, the view when you bend, etc. Seeing those women has made me deathly afraid of wearing shirt dresses, because I am so scared they will look too short.

      1. I bought a cute blue and white shirt dress that the saleswoman and the other customer in the changing area both thought looked great on me, and planned to wear it on casual days until my boyfriend wolf whistled at me in it. It was apparently significantly shorter on the sides than I had realized.

         1. This is my gauge on some wardrobe items too. If I walk out and my husband whistles or says I look sexy, I turn right around and go change.

   4. Thanks ladies. This is all really helpful!

4. I thought this article was awesome: (link in reply to avoid moderation)

   1. http://time.com/22004/how-to-not-sound-like-a-sexist-jerk-even-if-youre-a-woman/

   2. On the whole “bossy” thing, my question is: why is it that little girls are often bossier than little boys? Because I distinctly remember in elementary school, girls who would try to take over for the teacher if the teacher left the room, calling out other students for bad behavior, and trying to do what the teacher would want everyone to be doing. The boys were more likely to take the opportunity to goof off. I also remember girls who would set all the rules for whatever we were playing, whether it was house or some other pretend game. To the extent any boys played along, the “bossy” girl would tell him how to play (e.g., “you be the baby. You can’t talk. You can only make baby noises and you have to crawl everywhere.”) This is what I think of when I think of a “bossy” little girl. I don’t have any memories of boys who were like this. Am I just not remembering them?

      1. I remember bossy boys but they were never labeled as such by teachers/parents. They were frequently called leaders. The same behaviors you listed – taking charge, organizing, setting rules, etc. – are typically considered positive attributes in male children. People refer to it as demonstrating leadership skills if the person demonstrating it is male. The same traits are seen as negative in a female child because we condition girls to want to be liked/to get along — bossy girls are mean and unlikable. I’m not sure banning the word bossy will solve the problem but I think it’s an important dialogue to have. Women are often penalized for displaying the same character traits we encourage and reward in men. I am take-charge type of person and fortunately for me my teachers and parents encouraged me to stay that way and never labeled me as bossy.

         1. +1000

      2. Observing my grade schooler in class – girls seem more verbally and socially advanced at this age. It’s a shame it’s considered a problem.

      3. I definitely remember bossy boys from elementary school. In fact, all of the “bossy” incidents that stick out in my mind seem to involve boys, as far as I can remember off-hand. I don’t recall either girls or boys being explicitly labeled as bossy, though.

         I’d bet that girls and boys tend to be bossier about things that they are good at/interested in – i.e., the boys (in a broad generalization, of course) might be bossier at boy things like sports or GI Joe games (or whatever the kids are into these days), while the girls may be bossier at girl-games (whatever those are) and school – or girls might be bossier in school if the teacher is female and they identify with her, I guess.

      4. I agree with you, TBK. When I was reading the article, I thought to back to children who were identified as bossy and I can only think of one or two times where a boy was acting “bossy.” Perhaps Law Firm Recruiter is right and maybe we just didn’t notice the bossy boys because that’s how they were supposed to behave, but I certainly remember far more bossy girls, me being one of them.

      5. Probably partially due to the unequal rewards for girls and boys being “good,” and partially due to girls’ faster emotional maturation. Girls tend to be more encouraged to be quiet and follow the rules, while boys are excused more boisterous behavior. It would make sense for girls with leadership qualities to try to impose the rules they know everyone should follow, as they’re so ingrained.

      6. I was very much that girl you are describing, haha!

         But I do remember some “bossy” boys, particularly who would organize bullying or other misbehaving. One would pick someone to pick on and the rest of that group of boys would go along with it, or would decide to ditch school or something. Also, on the other end of the behavior spectrum, at least at my school the class president was always a boy, as well as the band drum major.

         1. That’s funny. I don’t remember boys being at all interested in student government until college. The very few boys who did run usually lost miserably. My schools were small so we didn’t have class presidents, just a president of student council, but the student council was almost always entirely female. And the few boys who did get elected were generally ignored by the girls, or held jobs like treasurer where the rest of the council was like “just pay the money for the things we tell you to buy; we’re not interested in what you think.”

   3. Wasn’t it on TCFKAG’s blog where there’s a gif of Beyonce saying “I’m not bossy. I’m the boss.”

      Seriously, boss away, girls!

5. Maternity-type question for the billable hours types out there –

   I was chatting with a lawyer the other day who is fairly far along in her pregnancy about how her firm, which is small and otherwise all male, is going to handle her maternity leave. She told a story about how she had to basically write the policy and negotiate about it, but in that, she mentioned that she’d been working constant nights and weekends so that her billable hours for the year wouldn’t suffer.

   I have to admit that I’d never heard of this – I don’t have much experience with strict billables type jobs (though I’m now at one), but I guess I’ve always assumed that you would basically reduce your hours expectation proportionate to your time out on leave (i.e., if you take 2 months off, your billables for the year would be 10-twelfths of your usual, give or take). I know that her firm doesn’t have a high billable requirement in general, so maybe it’s not overly onerous to try to do extra (though it sure sounded like it would be), but I know that many lawyers are basically at max capacity in normal time – I can’t imagine trying to make up a whole maternity leave’s worth of hours, while also juggling doctor appointments, and just plain being pregnant. (FWIW, she did not give me the impression that anyone had told her to do this extra work; it sounded like she just started doing it and started discussing actual leave just recently.)

   So, I guess my questions are: 1) Is what she’s doing normal? and 2) How do firms that work on strict billables usually deal with the billable hours issues associated with maternity leave, rather than the strict amount of leave question.

   1. My firm gives 12 weeks maternity leave and essentially “credits” 450 hours for purposes of reviewing hours. So instead of 1900, the goal would be to hit 1450.

   2. My firm gives 12 weeks maternity leave and essentially “credits” 450 hours for purposes of reviewing hours. So instead of 1900, the goal would be to hit 1450.

   3. My firm pro-rated hours, but not for all of it. I think the “deemed” maternity leave was only 8 weeks even though they gave 12 weeks off, so your required hours were 44/52 of the yearly requirement, not 40/52. So she may be dealing with something similar. (Yes, it is a bad policy.)

   4. She may be trying to get ahead for when she comes back.

      1. +1 She may be ramping up her hours so she can leave every day at a reasonable time once she returns from maternity leave.

      2. Agreed. I was crazy ahead of hours before I last went out on leave (thanks to a federal jury trial), so that when I came back, I could basically cruise control through the end of the fiscal year. There’s something to be said for that.

      3. That might be the case, but that was specifically how she phrased it, that she was working to make up for the hours that she would be out. Her argument for paid leave was that she should be able to take as much time as she wants as long as she gets in her hours for the year (which certainly seems fair, though I’m not sure I’d want to put that on myself).

   5. When I was at a large law firm it was pro rated, so if you took 6 months off your target would be 50% of your regular annual billable target (and any bonus you received would be similarly pro rated).

   6. My former firm prorated annual hours for bonus purposes but not partner qualification. Our billable minimum for bonuses was 2000 but you had to bill something like 1750 hours per year for it to count as a year toward making partner. So, if you only billed your prorated 1500 hours (3 month leave) for the year to get a bonus, you were a year behind in making partner. I believe they’ve since changed this, but only because they loved one particular female who it was going to affect (and she brought in business, so it benefited them to promote her to partner “on time” for business development purposes).

   7. Different field, but in medicine. When I was a resident, I had 6 weeks off. I had to pay back all my overnight calls beforehand, so that I took the same number of calls as my co-residents, just smushed into a shorter timeframe.

      As an attending, I front loaded one month of calls and backloaded another, but still took my usual number of call nights around my maternity leave. I am in a small town, so it ended up that the other surgeon took weeknights for 3 straight weeks, we brought in an out of town surgeon to do the weekends while I was off, and I took 5 weeks off from call (2 weeks before baby born, 3 weeks after).

6. I really prefer to shower and wash my hair at night, but I sometimes have problems with my hair looking flat in the morning. Does anyone have any tips for how to avoid this? I would prefer not to use more than one product at the most (I usually just use an anti-frizz crème) since I’m definitely a wash-and-go type of person. Any tips would be appreciated!

   1. I like to use the John Frieda Root Lifter spray when I shower and wash my hair at night. You could also try sleeping with your hair behind you on the pillow, rather than underneath your head. Also, maybe just spend a minute or so with the blowdryer and a round brush in the morning to re-lift your roots?

      1. Visual aid for the hair/pillow maneuver:

         http://magazine.foxnews.com/sites/magazine.foxnews.com/files/styles/700_image/public/SleepForBeautifulHair_0.jpg?itok=ou7Q8Ofl

         1. Something like that might be the ticket – I just realized I’ve been sleeping with my hair under my head! I think I must have started doing that because I thought I would wake up with a weird bend in my hair otherwise, but apparently there are magazine articles advising otherwise :)

   2. Try clipping it to the top of your head. While you sleep. Just be sure to use one that won’t crease your hair. You could also try flipping your head over in the morning and spraying the roots with hairspray.

      1. If it’s long enough, I suggest wrapping it into a bun on top of your head and securing it with a scrunchie.

         1. +1

   3. Jumbo hot rollers. RissRose 2 posted a great tutorial on Youtube.

   4. Depends on your hair type, but I like to get my hair slightly damp (if i had just washed it, I would use the hair dryer for a few minutes to get out some of the moisture) and then divide it into 3 big sections, and loosely twist each one into a bun, two bobby pins each. (1 on the top of my head, 1 on each side) Then in the morning I use my fingers to gently comb them out, and take 5 min with my flat iron to take any creases out of the top part and make some curls to make it all look even. Then spray lightly with sea salt spray. It gives me some loose waves/curls, doesn’t look flat, and actually looks like I spent more time on it than i did! ;o)

7. I love a patterned pump. These are so cute: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/sole-society-meryl-pump/3595889?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=1026&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-1_3_B

   But I have given up buying shoes for Lent…

   1. I love patterned shoes. You’re killing me Kat.

   2. Given that we’ve had a couple of Qs on bfeeding recently, your first line made me think someone was marketing that sort of pump with printed
      patterns …

   3. those ARE pretty.

8. Healthcare views aside, the way this Canadian doctor handles questioning by the US Senator is really impressive.

   Link to follow, or use the goo for Dr. Danielle Martin of Women’s College Hospital. 2:14 of coolness.

   1. Link:

      http://www.cbc.ca/asithappens/features/2014/03/12/canadian-doctor-schools-us-senator-on-public-health-care/

   2. Awesome. Loved it.

   3. Well, yes and no. She was full of zingers, but couldn’t seem to answer any questions herself. Really, she knows how many uninsured in the U.S. (allegedly) die from lack of care, but doesn’t know how many in her own country can’t get care due to the waits? And she’s supposedly a Canadian expert?

      And in reading the story, it seemed like a lot of what she said was just plain not true.

      She sure came off as “I am woman, hear me roar” but I was unimpressed.

      1. Yeah… she speaks well, but both sides are typically political. Leading, provocative questions from the US Senators, a few sharp responses that are carefully chosen but with holes from the Canadian doc.

         As with everything, there is truth and simplification on both sides.

      2. I took a “Healthcare and the Law” seminar as a 3L, and produced a paper comparing the health systems of Canada, the US, and New Zealand. Canada seemed to be really good at urgent care, not so good at anything requiring a specialist. I totally agree with SF chic’s assessment.

      3. I don’t blame her for not knowing the answer to this question because it really is impossible to know how many haven’t gotten care due to wait lists in Canada. This article explains many reasons why, starting with the idea that there’s no agreed upon definition of a “wait list” or which periods of time should be considered “wait lists” http://www.utoronto.ca/hpme/dhr/pdf/Barer-Lewis.pdf. Plus doctors schedule things in anticipation of how long the wait will be for a particular test, etc. Personally, in the past few years I have seen a neurologist, two ENTs, and had 3 surgeries performed by ENTs, had CT scan, and probably some other stuff I can’t remember and I have never waited long and never paid a penny. It is probably more difficult in rural communities though.

9. Love the shoe. Hate pointy toes.

10. I put my condo on the market today and already have an offer! I am somewhat freaking out and really hate negotiating – can any of you way more business savvy ladies offer me some tips?

    1. Are you selling yourself? Or are you working with a broker? Either way, when I sold my apartments (with a broker) I knew what my minimum acceptable offer was based on current market rates and went from there. Don’t be afraid to counter if you’re not desperate to move ASAP, people often start with a very low offer.

       1. I have a broker. Yes, I already figured out what my minimum price will be. Thanks for the confirmation!

          1. If you have comps and a broker willing to work, don’t let him lowball you and make sure your listings are out there on the MLS. When i sold my place in 2007, my broker was lazy and did almost nothing after he put the place out at $200K. i later found out with a little work, i could have made $250K. What a dork he was.

11. I’ll be getting my first pair of glasses soon. Can anyone speak to whether I should get anti-reflective coating or not? Does it actually make a difference or is it not worth the money?

    1. It makes sense if you use your glasses to drive at night, however, I got a pair of glasses with them at Lens Crafters in December and one of the lenses is spotty – I think the anti-reflective coating is wearing off or defective. I need to take them back and see what they say about it.

    2. I actively dislike the coating, I find it makes my glasses get smudgy faster, and they’re harder to clean.

    3. I find it helpful, particularly for driving at night. It helps with the glare from the streetlights (which I always found bothersome.)

    4. I usually get regular (not anti-reflective). I think I tried it once and I don’t remember any difference. I think anti-reflective photographs better, if that is of concern to you. I’m not sure what the other benefits are / types of situations it is ideal for.

    5. It is an absolute necessity if you wear your glasses all day every day.

       1. Curious why you say this? I wear non-anti-reflective glasses all day every day, what would the difference be?

    6. The one time I went for the anti-reflective option, I found it got scratched off quite easily when washing my glasses in the normal way, leaving a scratched-up surface that was both nastier to look at and harder to see out of than my regular lenses.

12. PSA for all of you ladies who are fans of Hanky Panky – Bare Necessities is having a sale. Up to 40% off on Hanky Panky and it looked like they had a lot of styles.

13. Regular poster going anon for this. And maternity question for those who want to skip.

    I have a nine month old baby and have been pumping at work. I have had low supply issues so baby has always been supplemented. But last few weeks, my supply has gone down drastically. We are talking 1 oz a day pumped. I also nurse in the evenings but my estimate is that I don’t get more than 1-2 oz. Some of this is my fault… e.g. job requirements have led to an irregular pumping schedule. My question is: at this point is there anything I can do to up my supply and output? Or should I just give up because I would have weaned in 3-4 months anyways? I’d like to increase my supply but perhaps you can’t really increase it this late in the game? FYI, I posted this on Kellymom’s FB page a while back but didn’t get many responses.

    1. Same thing happened to me, at the same time- baby was nine months. I figured it was a good time to stop because pumping at work was hard, and I didn’t really want to nurse a toddler (even though I totally support women who want to do that, I just didn’t want to deal with it). And hey 9 months is great! It’s a lot farther than most people make it.

       1. The classic recipe for increasing supply is some combination of galactogogues (fenugreek, domperidone, goats rue, shatavari, blessed thistle, or other supplements) and more nursing/pumping. If you can carve out some time to really be aggressive with pumping (like add in pumping sessions, nurse the baby more, whatever works), you might be able to increase supply. Having said that, as a mom who struggled with low supply for two babies, I found that there was just a point where my babies and I were done – six months for one, seven months for the other. I just couldn’t keep it up once I went back to work. Regardless of what you’ve decided, you should be really proud of yourself for going this long!

    2. I had supply problems all along and it got really bad for me around that point too, thanks to a combination of being in an all-day hearing with no chance to pump followed by a stomach flu a few days later. Herbal supplements didn’t help me. My doctor prescribed domperidone (?) which helped for the short period time I could take it, but my supply fell off again a few weeks later. She told me that the farther one gets from pregnancy, the harder it is to bring supply back.

       1. After nine months, I think a doctor should prescribe weaning and Dom Perignon.

          1. Otherwise the reflections drive me crazy! Like if the window is behind you and you then see the reflection of the window on the inside of your classes. Coating really reduces this problem.

    3. Thank you ladies. It’s reassuring to hear that there are others like me. Part of the reason I feel so bad is because up until the baby was 5 months old, his diet was 20-30% formula so he’s never been EBF. I feel like I owe it to him to not give up. I have tried pumping more frequently and longer but it feels like someone just shut off a tap. I might try going heavy on galactogogues for a few days and seeing if it helps any. Thank you all

       1. “I feel like I owe it to him to not give up.” You truly do not. I know the feeling you’re describing, but please try to not feel like this. You do not need to feel guilty for supplementing. You do not need to feel guilty for not pumping any longer. It feels like such a big deal when your baby is little and people make a fuss over EBF, but it will all be water under the bridge. Try to make it work longer if you like, but don’t do it because you think you’re not doing your motherly duty if you stop. This is *not* a formative moment that will show whether or not you’re a “good mom.”

       2. You don’t owe him anything but a happy mommy who loves him and takes good care of him. Feeding is only one small part of that. You’ve done heroic work by getting this far while dealing with low supply.

          And if it helps, some of the best-controlled research studies have concluded that there’s no statistically significant long-term effect of breastfeeding on children.

       3. A very late addition to the chorus–no guilty feelings should arise from this. You did nine months: that’s awesome! After bf’ing two kids, the only sentiment I have on bf’ing is: whatever is best for you. The main change I made between kid 1 and 2 was to introduce formula earlier and wean out the midday pump session(s) because it was a massive PITA. Straight up: I wasn’t even working when I did that (waiting for job clearance/budget approval) so it’s not even like I was dealing with the unique pleasures of pumping at and during work. No regrets whatsoever, kid is healthy as a champ. With my first I was more susceptible to the bf’ing guilt that is out there, but after going through it all, on round two I realized that my priorities included not martyring myself if something wasn’t working for me. So do whatever you think is best for you, and whatever that is realize your kid will be totally fine. And have a beer (my favorite and most-used milk supply supplement).

    4. I had good luck with mothers milk herbal tea, but also for my second, I stopped around that time. I don’t think the 12-month “goal” is written in stone or anything. My other baby really liked nursing and kept up much longer, the second one was ready to move on at that point. Sounds like a lot of stress to keep pumping for so little; don’t feel bad at all for moving on now!

    5. I had a really low supply point after some work travel issues (spotty access to my pump, major travel delays causing 8-9 hrs away from a pump) at around 7 1/2 months. I got all the way back to full supply using lots of fenugreek capsules and a fortuitously timed three day holiday weekend where I could nurse every couple of hours. Then put in extra pumping sessions when the weekend was over. They say you know you’re taking enough fenugreek when your sweat smells faintly of maple syrup.

       That said, pumping at work is really difficult. You and your baby will be fine if you stop. And you can probably move to just nursing in the evenings for comfort for both of you. It’s really hard to give up BF’ing, but you do move on to other ways of showing your love for your baby.

    6. This happened to me with my second child – which was funny to me because I had an oversupply with my first, ha – and I just quite pumping. She had food and water during the day since she was eating solids well by then. She liked yogurt and other sources of calcium, fat, and protein, so I didn’t worry. I continued to nurse (until weaning when she was 2 yrs old) when I was home with her, but I also offered a pureed food pouch at bedtime.

       Whatever you do, just don’t beat yourself up. It would have been enormously stressful for me with my first child, but thankfully it happened to me when I knew that things happen, I did nothing wrong, and everyone would be fine.

    7. Late to respond, but if you want to keep pumping I’m sure there are things you can try (although I’m not going to be much help there), but please don’t drive yourself crazy trying to force the issue if it’s not something you actually want to do. You have BF for 9 months – whether it was exclusive or not is irrelevant. You did the best you could, you did a great job, please don’t let yourself feel you have to do this out of guilt because you “should” nurse for 12 months or whatever the length of time is that gets the gold star.

    8. Have you had your pump checked out to make sure it isn’t wearing out/malfunctioning and that’s what’s causing the problem? If a Medela PISA have you replaced the membranes (white flaps)?
       If you’re ready to give up on pumping you can still nurse for comfort – baby will still get benefits like antibodies and closeness/snuggles even if she doesn’t get a lot of calories from it.
       Any way you go – bf for 9 months is great! Anything after that is a bonus and you shouldn’t feel guilty about stopping whenever you are ready!

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