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Updated: Jul 10, 2019 301 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Long and Lean-Fit Washable Wool-Blend Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Banana Republic’s machine-washable wool blend has been on the market for a while, but it still feels too good to be true. I can personally attest, however, that I ran one of their blazers through the washer on the gentle cycle, hung it to dry, and was pleasantly surprised with the results. Anything that cuts down on my dry-cleaning bill is a plus for me! This royal blue blazer might be the next one to add to my collection. I like the saturated color and the slightly longer length. The blazer is $199 and is available in regular sizes 0–20 and tall 2–16. Long and Lean-Fit Washable Wool-Blend Blazer This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Lana Del Raygun

    In case anyone else here is in a union (I gather this is not common in law, unfortunately), I wanted to give you a heads-up that UnionPlus includes some discounts on fashion and beauty brands! The only one I remember off the top of my head is Brooks Brothers but there are a bunch.

    • Anonymous

      Wouldn’t it be great if there was a union in law. Not many industries force you to essentially justify each hour of work, work around the clock, and very often be subjected to verbal abuse.

        • anon

          I’ve never heard of a right for exempt professionals in the US to have reasonable working hours or to be free of verbal abuse (so long as it isn’t discriminatory). Can you please elaborate? I know the NLRA has been used to go pretty far in establishing rights, but didn’t think it got close to these rights.

      • Lana Del Raygun

        Sure! You register online with them as a corporate account, using the code you get from UnionPlus, and it gives you a flat % off (I think 10%? so not that much but it varies between retailers). You have to sign into unionplus.abenity.com and then you can browse all the discounts.

  2. Carrots

    Big busted ladies, what are your go-to sports bras? I’m having issues finding a good sports bra that will keep everything down when I’m working out. I found a good one, but I need to size up the band once more and it doesn’t go that high. TIA

    • Monday

      Expensive and cute: Lululemon Enlite. I will say that this one stretches out over time, and the straps aren’t adjustable so you just have to deal with it. Cheap, does the job, adjustable straps but not as cute: Ryokan brand on Amazon.

      • Housecounsel

        The Lululemon Enlite bra is so amazing I sometimes sneak-wear it under work clothes. I love it so much and it is sooo expensive.

        • Housecounsel

          Try Panache, also. The Panache bras are very functional, but the Enlite is much more comfortable, in my opinion. Check the Bravissimo site for a huge variety of bras, sports and otherwise, for the well-endowed.

        • Anonymous

          There’s a $58 one on sale right now! Is it substantial enough to wear without a top for workouts if you’re pretty stacked on top?

    • aBr

      Freya sports bras are also fantastic if you are of the small rib cage, big b$$bs variety. They size pretty consistently across their lines (swim, sports, regular). Also check out their strapless — the only ones that will work for me (… but getting five hooks in a row done up is always a challenge).

    • Anonymous

      I like the brand Shock Absorber. It goes up to pretty high cup sizes. I wear the Ultimate Run Bra.

    • Anonymous

      Nothing compares to the Enell for no movement. I’ve had a Panache and Freya that were way cuter and did 80% of the job though.

      • Housecounsel

        I think it was the Enell bra that was labled the “last resort” bra in a catalog I saw!

    • Anon

      Freya, Shock absorber and Bravissimo.
      Royce is good for yoga.

      Shock absorber requires serious contortionist’s skills – or a helper – tl get into.

  3. Anonymous

    Is there a ‘shop it to me’ or similar for household stuff? I have an outdoor playset I want to get for the kids but I’d rather wait until it goes on sale as the full price is a bit much for what it is. I use g-search all the time for a flight price watch and shop it to me for clothes but can’t find a similar service for general items. any suggestions?

  4. Anna

    I posted yesterday about developing bad habits in a job I hated, and I’ve been thinking more about that. Another bad habit I formed was going to sleep way too late because I was up watching tc or something similarly not useful, and therefore waking up late the next morning. Never late enough to be late to work, but it makes it so I’m rushed in the morning instead of leisurely.

    How often do you get up and just take a walk at work? I find that I don’t want to sit at the computer for more than an hour or so without stretching, but idk what’s normal.

    • Anon

      Gently, you seem overly anxious about this. Get up whenever you want. It doesn’t matter what’s “normal” beyond the fact that most Americans in desk jobs don’t move enough. I have found that this site makes you worry too much about something being “unprofessional” or whatever when no one actually cares (facial band-aids, anyone?)

      • Anna

        The walking thing – I agree with you. My previous office was extremely uptight, and I think I’m holding on to that level of sensitivity.

        The getting up thing – I think that my mental health is much better when I sleep properly, that’s the only reason I was thinking about that.

    • Z

      Personally every morning for me is rushed. I’m much more a night person than a morning person, so I’m up till midnight or later just watching netflix or reading and don’t want to get up and end up having to move quickly.
      Get up and take a walk whenever you want. If you’re worried about it you can fill your water bottle then too. We don’t move around enough at work, sitting for too long isn’t good for us either. Its also not good to be looking at the screen for hours without taking a break and looking away, so do what you need to do.

    • Inspired By Hermione

      Once an hour, ideally. I fill my water bottle or go to the bathroom or walk to the printer that’s farther away or go get coffee or just do a quick lap around our floor. I work better and I get my Fitbit-requested 250 steps per hour.

    • anon

      I’m definitely a night person and sleep until the last possible moment each morning. I have to prep everything the night before: my clothing, pack breakfast and lunch, wash my coffee tumbler, bathe, etc. In the morning, I have to keep moving, but I don’t feel rushed.

  5. Anon

    Not to add fuel to the fire that was yesterday, but does anyone have suggestions for good bachelorette party games for a small group of people (5 total)? We’ll be staying in an Airbnb and we’re planning to do the lingerie guessing game and the groom and bride answer-the-same-questions game, but I could use suggestions for funny board games, etc. that are good for smaller crowds. Anything that can be printed from the Internet and/or that doesn’t require a lot of cheap plastic crap would be especially ideal. TIA!

    • Anonymous

      Some of us are just not game people. We are really fine just hanging out and talking. Maybe allow for some lulls in the activities b/c being able to visit with your people is a luxury you don’t really have at the wedding.

      If not, my favorite game is “pedicures with abundant trashy magazines and good drinks.”

    • Anonymous

      I think that games are good for mixing it up with a larger group of people who are quasi-strangers and don’t know each other well enough to chat casually. But 5 is an intimate group — I think games can get tedious and I’m not sure anyone likes getting told what they are doing in their free time on a get away (like my kids chafe when they are over-scheduled; cannot imagine that grownups would do better).

    • asdf

      Not free, but “Cards Against Humanities” is a good (and slightly naughty) card game.

    • Anonymous

      For non-game entertainment, we watched a few of the bride’s favorite childhood/teenage movies like Dirty Dancing and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun and Bring It On.

    • Anon100

      Not a game, but at the small bachelorette (5-8 people) I attended, we all had a great time taking photos with the bride with a polaroid mini.

    • Abby

      There’s a spin off of cards against humanity called Cads About Matrimony that’s wedding themed. But I agree with above, I’d prefer to not play games during a bach party and just hang out.

    • Cat

      Those two games sound like plenty to me, unless your group is super into highly-organized fun.

    • Worry about yourself

      I’m a big fan of board games (and card-based games that don’t require a board but still fall under the category). There’s always Cards Against Humanity and all the copycats, I still like those but I think a lot of people are “over” it. If you were willing to purchase a good party game, I’m a big fan of Billionare Banshee (you can pick up an extension that contains more “naughty” cards), What Do You Meme, and Unstable Unicorns, which also has an “adult” extension. Maybe Joking Hazard, the Cyanide and Happiness game.

      I do agree with others that you probably don’t need a lot of games. I’m in a socially awkward crowd that likes games because they’re a structured social activity, but I know a lot of people would rather just hang out, chat, maybe watch a movie.

      One thing I’m personally not a fan of are “how well do you know the bride”-type trivia games. Or games that make people come up with a story about the bride. I had to do those at a shower recently, and I liked the bride just fine, but didn’t know her well enough to answer really any of the questions, nor did I have a good anecdote to share, which was super awkward. Even if I know the bride well, I still don’t like being put on the spot.

    • Anonymous

      My friends are game lovers and so we often play games at bachelorette parties. We love this game called Telestrations – it’s like a combination of Pictionary and the telephone game you played as kids. It’s a good icebreaker for bachelorette parties where not all the guests know each other and usually creates a few inside jokes that help solidify the group for the weekend.

        • Anonymous

          Telestrations is a great game for any party and also an excellent team-building game for work. I say this because buying the game set is a little expensive but I have gotten tons of use from mine.

        • pugsnbourbon

          Another +1 for Telestrations. We played with a big group of my in-laws last Christmas and I nearly peed myself laughing.

      • Anonymous

        I love Telestrations! For a this type of party it might be fun to get the “after dark” edition, which has some funnier adult-oriented content (i.e., pictionary + telephone + cards against humanity)

  6. Design blog questions

    For those of you who have redone bathrooms and have had the space for dual sinks, do you put one dual sink in or two vanities, each with a single sink? And a centered light fixture (if one) or do you do a light fixture over each sink?

    I have a long bathroom, like crazy long (125″ for vanities) (it is a new blank space, thanks to a tree falling on my house, so not something that was existing and I had any idea what worked in that space). If I put in two 48″ vanities (each with one sink), I worry about white space in the room (that is a newspaper / layout concept but I think you get the idea in a house where there is too much room and not enough stuff in it). If I have a custom built-in, I worry about cost of custom work and paying for that much marble / quartz / etc.

    Another space will be 80″, which is also huge, but I think that a 72″ could go there (or two 48s? or would that look crowded or weird?).

    I have never before lived in a world of even semi-adequate bathroom space, and now it is all so massive.

    Is there not a Lego set I could experiment with? Or, better yet, a website of really bad remodels to confirm at least what is bad?

    • Hazel

      I like the idea of two 48″ vanities with open space between them — you could do a shelving unit of some kind, or maybe a potted plant? I wouldn’t want several feet of empty counter space between the sinks — in my bathroom that would just accumulate junk. :)

      • Veronica Mars

        I agree, you could also put some really nice hampers in the middle.

      • Anon

        I’d do the two 48” vanities with some built in storage in between—drawers, a tall cabinet…something to visually break up that space but also tie the vanities together. That way you have a unified space, but two distinct sink areas.

        ALSO I think white space in a bathroom is fine and adds to the spa-like feel so I don’t think you need to use the full 125” of space

      • Anonymous

        We have a super-extra-long vanity in our master bath with two sinks and there is a ton of dead space that doesn’t get used. When we remodel the bathroom we are going to go with two separate vanity/sink combos and put shelving in between.

    • Anonymous

      I have one long vanity with two sinks. I cannot imagine having two separate vanities. I need all the counter and storage space I can get! I don’t want an unusable gap in the middle of my bathroom. And this is just a matter of personal taste, but I hate the two vanity look. It’s so cluttered and messy looking. One vanity gives you nice clean lines that, to me, are more soothing and practical.

      • Cat

        +1, the additional counter and storage space is ALWAYS useful. Plus it’s easier to clean around than separate vanities. If it feels like WAY too much vanity, adding a shelving unit in between is a practical way to fill the space.

      • Anonymous

        I also prefer the look of one long vanity with 2 sinks. Right now this is what I have, and in between the 2 sinks we have a bunch of drawers that are super handy for storing things. If you have the room, I would put a shelving unit or linen closet elsewhere in the bathroom for additional storage.

        I think if you can tell anything from these comments is that this is very much a preference thing. Spend some time thinking about how you use your vanity now (do you like to spread out things while you get ready or do you like to get one thing out at a time? Do you and your DH share many items where one vanity would make more sense?) Also spend some time looking through pictures of bathrooms that you like style-wise. There are lots of good ideas for both configurations, so just choose the one that feels best to you!

    • anon a mouse

      If you have the room, I’d do something like a 60″ long vanity with 2 sinks, then a 36″ table/counter with room for a bench to make a true vanity to apply makeup. Maybe with hampers or a tall cabinet between the two items.

      You can make room models in SketchUp (the free version) but there is a bit of a learning curve.

    • Anon

      You can use a free online program called Homestyler to mock up your bathroom, try different configurations, and view it as a floor plan or 3d preview. It’s very user-friendly. I used to use it with my 4th grade students (who often adorably overestimated the typical size of rooms and space between furniture. I guess when you’re 9 every room seems expansive).

    • anon

      My bathroom has a 90inch vanity with 2 sinks that was built in when we bought the house. When we get around to updating it, I will absolutely keep that footprint. I love having the counter space and in our bathroom, it makes sense to have one long one. We have a light fixture for each sink which I think is a must.

      I’ve heard that even water can stain marble so I’d be extremely wary of putting that in a bathroom.

      • Anonymous

        Good marble-look quartz for the win. I have this in my kitchen and it’s perfect.

    • Anon

      I grew up in a house with a long narrow bathroom because it was partly a laundry room. Washer and dryer and water heater to one side behind folding doors, and a long vanity and mirror across from it. There were two sinks close to each other, then the rest of the vanity was a long counter. At the end of the long corridor the bathroom opened into a toilet alcove (behind a wall) and a bathtub.

      Ours was a family of three daughters, so that long vanity space ended up being perfect, especially when we were all teenagers! There was plenty of space for us all to do our hair/mascara/lip gloss, plug in our hair dryer and curling iron, etc. it was great. I never realized how handy it was until I moved out and have had “normal” bathrooms ever since. In fact, I’ve never lived in a place with a vanity since then – always pedestal sinks in tiny old bathrooms.

      So, I’m envious of you! Use as much of the space for countertops as you can. You will never regret it.

  7. Anonymous

    I need a new personal laptop. Can anyone recommend one they have and like? I don’t need to do a ton on it, just Microsoft Office/email/be able to connect to Citrix for work at home. Leaning towards Windows not a Mac because that’s what I’m most familiar with right now.

    • Inspired By Hermione

      Although Macs are expensive and a learning curve, they last so much better than PCs. My Mac is six years old and going strong. I used it every day for hours a day during law school. I’d strongly consider MacBook Air. Sometimes Costco has $150 off on them, bringing it to $999. More than a PC for sure but lasts longer. The current $150 deal goes through end of July!

      • Inspired By Hermione

        Last so much *longer. It’s barely 7 am here on the west coast. Too early.

      • MomOfAnOldRedBeagle

        Ditto. My MacBook Air is 9 years old and going strong. Finally replaced its battery but otherwise, original parts. The learning curve is minimal, not like the old Mac versus PC days of yore.

      • Anon

        Counterpoint – my Mac had declining battery life WAY too early for the price I paid for it. You’ll also be overpaying if you just want a basic machine and don’t have any intention of doing complicated graphic design, etc.

        I also hate Mac OS with a fiery passion. The classic Windows interface is SO much easier for me to use.

        • Anon

          I like my MacBook buts it’s had multiple hardware failures and the Apple store wiped my hard drive every time they repaired it. So annoying. Never had a problem with a pc.

    • Anon B

      Dell XPS 13. I didn’t bother with the touch screen, which would have made the laptop slightly more expensive, and I re-installed Windows after purchasing just to start with an entirely clean machine. I also purchased the “student” MS office suite, which included something like Excel, Word and PPT, but not Outlook, which covered my needs for a personal laptop. Not sure what the bundle includes now though. I also use Private Internet Access as a VPN to protect my machine a bit more when I’m connecting to public WiFi, like in a coffee shop.

    • Anonymous

      I like my HP Envy, and I think it compares favorably to my partner’s MacBook Air.

    • Anon

      My Macbook Pro recently died, and after researching and trying out different models in a local BestBuy, I ended up getting a Lenovo Yoga C930 instead of the new Macbook Pro. It’s about the same cost as the cheapest Macbook Pro, but twice the storage space, much better specs and reviews, and the keyboard is much more comfortable and usable than the butterfly keyboard on the Mac. I’ve had it for about a month and really like it. I’ve had good experiences with both Macs and Lenovo laptops lasting a long time even with heavy/student usage. The Yoga can also fold into a tablet, which I’ve used a lot more than I expected for things like browsing Facebook on the couch, taking handwritten notes/lists, touching up photos, etc.

      I like CNET reviews and comparisons a lot for electronics. You might check out their budget laptop recs for 2019, which should be able to do everything you need and will give you an apples-to-apples comparison of different models.

      • NOLA

        I have a Yoga for a little work laptop. It’s very lightweight and probably wouldn’t be what I would want for a home laptop, but it’s awesome for what I use it for and has held up very well. It is so easy to throw in a tote.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I really like my Lenovo, which is coming up on 7 years old and still going strong. Part of the frame is metal so it’s heavy but very very sturdy, and the keyboard has exactly the amount of resistance I want.

    • Anon

      I have a lightweight Asus and like it a lot, especially for the price point. I have never had good luck with Dell.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I use citrix for work and it does not always play well with Mac.

    • Anonymous

      I recommend against the Microsoft Surface. I have one for work, and both the keyboard and the power supply failed within the first few months.

      • Inspired By Hermione

        +1 I had one for awhile and hated it. It isn’t a good laptop or a good tablet. It just sucks all around.

        • Anon

          Interesting. I quit my corporate job to start my own web consulting company a few months ago and after tons of research decided to replace my old MacBook Air with another—but I had to return the MacBook Air because of problems with what’s called their “butterfly” keyboard. It randomly inserted extra spaces and periods when I typed. I did another round of research and decided to purchase a Windows Surface 2 Laptop on sale at Costco for a lot less money. I’ve had it a bit over a month and am very happy with it. Windows 10 is similar to Mac’s operating system in terms of ease of use; Windows is no longer so different from the Mac operating system. I didn’t expect to run my business on a Windows machine but the value is good and I doubt I’ll return to Apple laptops.

      • Anonymous

        But don’t discount all MS Surface products! I’ve had the Surface Laptop for the past 2 years for work and it’s been great. Will get another one when I’m up for a replacement next month. Many of my coworkers who had the Surface Pro and Surface Book (I was the lone S Laptop user while the majority had the S Book) have switched over to the Surface Laptop recently.

  8. Anon

    Yesterday, a few folks wished there were parties for advanced degrees. Just reporting that I threw myself one, and people showed up! It was very informal, because that’s me, but my fav beach, my favorite cake, and photos with 4 generations of family.
    I highly recommend it. And my family isn’t even very supportive of women’s education.

    • Clementine

      I threw somebody a PhD Shower. It came about when she was talking about how she loved showers and wished that people got showers for things like getting their dissertation accepted.

      We signed copies of her dissertation as the guestbook, had mimosas, and generally just chatted and celebrated our friend’s achievements. It was a fun mix of friends, schoolmates, and a couple very supportive professors.

      Would recommend.

    • BB

      I missed this discussion yesterday, but please tell me someone brought up the recent Dear Prudence post where an insanely rude friend ruined someone’s PhD party?

      • Anon

        I just want to read that, and OMG. I can’t believe that anybody would do that … except I can because there are so many horrible people in the world

      • Anon

        I had to look this up just now – and now I’m enraged on behalf of that LW. I would have tossed them out in the moment. How rude!

      • Never too many shoes...

        That was horrifying. I would go to the wedding without a gift and loudly announce a pregnancy over the PA while I was there. Might as well burn it all down…

      • Worry about yourself

        I just looked it up. How rude! It reminds me of a similar letter where someone proposed to his girlfriend in the middle of a wedding ceremony. THE CEREMONY! I get that people may not think a PhD party is on the same level as a wedding (not that I personally agree, just acknowledging how others may feel), but still, you never steal the thunder of the person (or people) being honored at ANY sort of party, unless you’re the person being celebrated. Don’t propose at a wedding, funeral, PhD party, promotion celebrarion, “I finally paid off my student loans” party, housewarming, divorce party, don’t even propose at a cat’s birthday party. Oh and don’t propose to someone when they’re in the middle of running a forking marathon! Do it on your own time!
        (sorry this turned into a rant but uughhhh this has been bugging me for a while)

        • Anonymous

          OMG — if someone proposed to me in the middle of someone else’s wedding ceremony, how can it possibly be accepted. Please tell me that the girlfriend gave him the death stare that usually only moms can give and he vaporized away into nothing (b/c you can’t loudly call him out or start stabbing him b/c that would compound the crime).

          • Worry about yourself

            Nope . . .

            It was on this week’s Awesome Etiquette but I think it was initially somewhere on Slate, I can’t remember the source. Anyway, the best man was just so moved by the ceremony he proposed to his girlfriend, who was a bridesmaid, and then she accepted and cried loudly through the rest of the ceremony as the couple was trying to recite their vows, and the videographer kept zooming in on her because it was just so special. THEN the best man’s speech was all focused on his engagement and he barely mentioned the couple who, y’know, had just gotten married. And then they interrupted the first dance somehow, I don’t know, at that point I’d been seeing red on behalf of the couple and WTFing all over the place.
            And like, we talk about this being tacky, but when it happens, it seems like so few people are willing to speak up, and all you hear in the moment is how wonderful and special it is, a wedding AND a proposal, how romantic! Barf.
            And I love proposals! I’m such a sappy sucker for those videos of big, public, surprise proposals where the proposee is genuinely beside themselves with delight and crying happy tears, I cry along with them like a mushy idiot, but NEVER when the proposal is hijacking someone else’s big day, big night, or big moment.

          • Anonymous

            I hope that when these idiots got married, someone actually spoke up when the minister said “speak now . . .”

            OMG

      • Anon

        I agree it was super rude to upstage the graduate, but that aside, it sounds like she barely even knows these people! Who would propose to their girlfriend at a party hosted by someone they barely know? Don’t most proposals involve something/someone that is special to the couple? Why would you choose a random dinner hosted by your mom’s friend? I think this whole story is probably made up, but I think a lot of these advice column stories are.

        • anon

          It sounded like the letter writer had sprung for a really fancy restaurant. My guess would be the proposal turned into a story and glamorous social media photos of ‘our beautiful proposal on a very special night’ without mentioning it was someone else’s special night.

    • anon

      That’s really nice! I threw a graduation party when I finished my PhD and invited like 50 people. Most of them RSVPed yes, and then the day of, only 1 person showed up. Didn’t hear from anyone cancelling, just no one showed. It hurt. Sigh.

      • Monday

        That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. I hope the no-shows felt awful and made it up to you.

      • Anon

        I am really sorry. I hate this whole thing of bailing/self care that everyone seems to think is so funny now.

        I would have shown up! Congratulations to you!!!

      • Anon

        I think that is one of the reasons why, at least in my generation (edge of Gen Z/young millennial) doesn’t really host very often. Other than the lack of entertaining space (housing costs are a B), people are often just lazy or want to “keep their options open” for any given day with respect to attending an event. I think a lot of it is FOMO culture, which is stupid because half the time people end up sitting at home bingeing Netflix. I have actually dropped friendships completely for people that do stuff like this. I confronted my best friend about that once and got a messy tirade of “you don’t know how tired I am, you can’t judge”, which was really just a defensive response to being rightfully called out. Dude, you’re a 28 yr old teaching assistant with no boyfriend, children, sick parent, or medical issues – you’re not tired you’re lazy (I got angry again just thinking about it).

        I’m very sorry that happened to you and completely understand where you are coming from. People don’t put as much stock into celebrations for untraditional milestones (i.e. birth, HS and college graduation, marriage, baby, death) and it’s sad and just not right.

        • Anonymous

          I’d get stabby, too, and I am usually never a stabby person. THE NORTH REMEMBERS.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t believe “self-care” — it’s one thing if you came down with a stomach bug (but then text the person and say OMG stomach flu have a great time yo), but I just cannot with this b/c self-care = liking things on your phone all night usually.

          And I also just cannot with the “I’m an introvert” –> then don’t RSVP yes next time; say “no b/c Introvert” or “yes but I will likely ghost you b/c introvert.” Or better “yes but I’m a liar”.

          Ugh.

          • anon

            The way “I’m an introvert” has become an excuse for poor behavior grinds my gears. Also, it doesn’t mean “I’m shy.” It’s cool if you understand yourself well enough to know when and how you need to recharge. Great. But being an introvert isn’t a freaking disability and it’s not a cop-out. I have a friend who will “introvert” on me. What bugs me is that she’ll do it after she’s spent multiple nights out in a row, often on dates with new guys. Then when we’re scheduled to hang out, she’s desperate to introvert and wants to bail/reschedule. K, since you know yourself so well, maybe you should have better rationed your energy expenditures? If I have social events on Sunday I don’t go wild Thurs-Sat such that I’m so drained I can’t go to/enjoy my Sunday plans. Self-care is saying “I know I’ll feel crappy if I do this much stuff, so I’m going to decline invite for Saturday night so I feel up for [previously made plans] the next day.”

      • Anonymous

        When I run the world, there will be a level of hell for people who RSVP yes and just ghost you. I’m so sorry — that is awful.

        I’d forgive you for posting pictures of just you at your party and tagging every single person who didn’t show. I’m usually anti-shaming, but this is so rampant that I feel like something needs to turn the tide.

        • anon

          I was pretty embarrassed so I never told anyone that only 1 person showed up. I guess my husband was there so he knows too. It just sort of feels like I suck and no one likes me. Whatever. People are just thoughtless and I’m sure they thought plenty of other people would be there and they wouldnt be missed. I wasn’t actually mad, it was just disappointing.

        • Worry about yourself

          You know how ClassPass charges you a fee for canceling a class within 12 hours? And a bigger fee for just plain not showing up? And some studios charge their own fees if you register directly with them? Sometimes I wish we could charge our friends last-minute cancellation and now-show fees like that. Maybe people are more likely to show up despite feeling “soooo tired” if canceling at the last minute means having to Venmo their friend ten bucks.

          • Anonymous

            I’d make it more like $100. People can lose $10 with no sting is ghosting already doesn’t bother them.

          • Worry about yourself

            Fair! Maybe a sliding scale. Lawyer friend with a fancy condo who travels to Europe every year pays $100. Friend in grad school living with 5 roommates pays, I don’t know, a lot less.

          • Anonymous

            I’d go with increasing fines for repeat offenders. Like $100 first offense but then make the person put down an increasing refundable deposit going forward.

          • busybee

            Restaurants are starting to do this too, and there’s a lot of backlash (at least in my city). I personally am all in favor. If you make a reservation and fail to show up, you pay. Maybe between boutique fitness studious and restaurants fining people, people will start realizing that it’s really rude to ghost?

          • Worry about yourself

            Yes, increasing the fine for repeat offenders is a good idea.

            Speaking of fitness and ghosting, do you know where I seem to get ghosted a lot these days? Fitness studios. A friend will agree to take a class with me, sign up, and then as I’m waiting for class to start, no friend, and it’s not until after the class that I see the “I’m soooo sorry, but [insert excuse here]” text. And each reason is usually at least kind of legit, but it seems to happen every time I manage to recruit a friend to join me, and I’ve kind of given up on trying to mix my social life into my fitness routine. Not worth the constant frustration.

      • Anon

        That is so unbelievably rude. I can’t even imagine RSVPing yes to something like that and then ghosting. Who the heck are these “friends?” I can’t stand when people make plans and then think they’re optional like that. Raging on your behalf.

      • Anon

        We had a thread about this a few months ago where we talked about the (largely millennial) issue of people bailing/no-showing/ghosting.

        If one person reads this and changes her ways it is worth it. DO NOT BAIL. It is hurtful and rude and makes everything all about you – which it isn’t. Grow up.

        • Anonymous

          Am I recalling that people were actually *defending* the practice?

          Can someone dig up a link and post?

          • Anon

            Yes but it was more in a confessional mode. I think/hope we changed some minds that day!

      • Anonymous

        I feel like the only way you can make people to go things is to not have a party but call it a bachelorette girls away-weekend where everyone is not-obligated-but-really-obligated and will chip in to pay your expenses. Remarry your husband and demand a trip!

        Too soon?

    • Anon

      I’m an actuary. For those of you not familiar, it takes 5-10 years of really tough exams to achieve Fellowship. My former employer had a culture where new fellows had to throw a party, no excuses. Some of the best parties of my life were Fellowship parties, including my own!

    • OP

      So much sympathy to the poster who’s friends didn’t come through! I’m so sorry! And yeah, I saw that other column about the ruined party and I’ve been thinking about this since.

      Full disclosure, my family kind of sucks, and complained that I didn’t provide a full meal, complained that they had to drive an hour across town (I traveled 5 hours to their city), and were mean to my mom and my dogs. But it was also one of the last times I saw my great grandma, and a chance for them all to meet my now DH in a relatively nice setting. And I do still hope it was incremental change towards a different value system.

  9. Anonymous

    Help me plan my next vacation! It’ll be a week somewhere in Europe in December or early January. I’d love to do some Christmas markets but I’m not sure if timing will work out (I might have to go after Christmas).

    As a happy little aside, I met a guy on my recent summer vacation in Europe. He lives over there and plans to visit me this fall. I don’t want to plan my winter vacation around him – who knows what will happen between now and then – but I’d like to be able to slot him in if all goes well. Thanks all!

    • Junior Associate

      If you’re going after Christmas, maybe Portugal or southern Spain? Not too cold, maybe a little rain, fantastic food and wine, lots of things to see or just chill around a neighborhood!

    • Anon

      I’m doing Vienna in November (most likely) after the Christmas markets start and I believe they go past Christmas.

      • Ribena

        I’m also heading to Vienna at the very end of November/ start of December. Very excited. I caught the very end of the open air ice rink this spring and that’s also gorgeous.

    • Anon

      I believe the festivities continue to New Year, but you need to check on the specific markets or light show for example. If you’d like to slot your guy in, then you should base in his country or a nearby country where jetting over is easy. For example, if he’s in London, you can go to him from Paris fairly easily by train. But it’ll take a flight, say anywhere from Greece.

    • EM84

      I have been to Vienna, Bratislava, Prague, Budapest, Wroclaw, Krakow around Christmas time and all are great, but… Expect high air-pollution during winter time in Poland (better to visit in spring/summer), in case you don’t mind – go for it. Bratislava has – in my opinion and opinion of friends who have been to/are from Prague – better market as it is less touristy and is geared more towards locals (very good food, esp lokse and baked goose liver, mulled wine etc) and can be combined with a visit of Budapest or Vienna. Prague is beautiful over winter, market is nice visually (lights, cathedral etc), food is as good as Vienna or Budapest and you can easily spend 5 days in Prague. Budapest is underrated – visually a mix of Vienna and Prague, great food, lots to see and you can explore spas as well. Vienna is classic.
      I can’t comment on whether the markets are still out after Christmas, though. If you have any questions, let me know, I come from this region.

  10. Chicago uber

    Quick Uber question for any Chicago people: Is it relatively easy to get an Uber to take me from the Loop to one of the suburbs (Aurora in this case) in the middle of the day? What about coming back to the Loop in the evening? Not sure if they balk at the long journey.

    • Anon

      Yep. Chicago-area Uber drivers take people to Indiana and Wisconsin regularly, so I don’t think it would be hard. There might be a longer wait time for an Uber in Aurora because there are fewer cars cruising around, but I doubt more than a 10-12 minute wait.

      • LaurenB

        You’d want to check to see where there are any express Metra trains (you want the BNSF line) that could get you to Aurora FAR quicker than a car or Uber, and then just Uber to final destination. That is easily an hour drive with zero traffic.

        • OP

          I was hoping for a train too, but turns out I’ll probably be on a work call for at least 30 minutes of the ride (guess I’ll try that new “don’t talk to me” button on Uber).

          • Housecounsel

            Easy peasy. I am in the burbs and I almost never take the train anymore. I Uber to and from downtown often.

        • anon

          +1 to taking the train. Most likely quicker given traffic, though you could get lucky.

  11. Paint Suggestions

    Hello wise hive. I’m moving into a town house with DH. In between closing and moving in, I want to paint the loft/office area on the top floor, which is currently a bright yellow. It opens directly into the stairwell, which is a pale pink. Details on the space below. I’m looking for color ideas for the loft and probably for the stairwell. I was thinking something like SW coastal plain on in the loft and SW moderne white on the stairwell? Carpet is a neutral beige/light tan.

    The loft is mostly a square room with skylights, and kind of a long wide alcove type thing (wider than an alcove) that DH will use as an office. The alcove has a pretty big window taking up the whole wall on one side.

    • The original Scarlett

      My go-to in an awkward space is Benjamin Moore Simply White. It’s a clean,bright white and a nice base for adding other things to bring in color. I’m also a big fan of painting black accents, like doors or window frames to ground the space.

      • Simply White

        This is my dream color for the entirety of my house, ha ha.

        One of the co-founders of The Every Girl used this color all over her house and it looks so pristine.

        • Keek

          This is the color of my whole house minus one bedroom and the garage. Obsessed, fave paint color ever.

  12. I need to Escape!

    Georgia recommendations (the country, not the state) for late July? I scheduled a last minute vacation and will have 4 days in Tbilisi and 2 in Kazbegi, with stops in Mtskheta and Ananuri on the way. Contemplating a day trip to the eastern Sighnaghi area as well. Friend and I are staying at the Rooms Hotel in both Tbilisi and Kazbegi. Specific activities, restaurants and winery recommendations welcome! Specifically wondering if the horseback ride/hike up to Trinity Church in Kazbegi is doable for a non-athletic (at all) person who has been on a horse for all of 90 minutes total in her life (various pony and horse walks around the ring of 10-20 minutes every 5 years or so). Thank you in advance!

  13. Overcoming infidelity

    Has anyone here overcome infidelity? How did you do it? Is it possible to trust again? Garden again?

    Last night, Spouse confessed to having a three month affair with a coworker (who is under Spouse’s management no less). Although I suspected cheating, the truth has hit me harder than I expected. It’s such a cliche—she is 10 years younger, she has never had a c section or nursed babies until her b00bs were sad and deflated. I literally feel like I’m going to throw up.

    • Anon

      I haven’t, have had friends and relatives who have gone through it and survived with a healthy relationship on the other end – most don’t. The ones that have survived, I observed the following:
      1) the couples went sincerely open to couples therapy and turned inward into their relationship to nurture it,
      2) the real threat of a leaving spouse was generally a come to Jesus moment for the cheating spouse (usually accompanied by the non-cheating spouse leaving or kicking out the cheating spouse for long periods of time, so they knew the threat was credible)
      3) active long term steps to change the patterns that led to their cheating – removing friends with lower ethics that will encourage you, no longer putting themselves in vulnerable situations (often drinking to excess without spouses), etc.
      4) And honestly, all that only worked for the “one time, mid-life crisis, I’m ashamed I did this” cheating SOs, not the ones for who it is a personality defect who will generally do it again when they are sad/bored.

      Your first step – your Husband needs to switch departments asap or, if not possible, quit. He is threatening both your marriage and your livelihood (hello sexual harassment lawsuit) just by being around her. That is a no go. If he refuses that first step, it’s a burning red flag that he doesn’t take the threat and damage to your marriage seriously and WILL do it again.

    • How Long

      Oof. I’m so, so sorry. My marriage did not survive infidelity. If you do want to move forward, the two of you must get therapy, and please take some time to yourself to feel your feelings and take steps toward healing. If you have any friends who will not judge you for either decision, don’t hesitate to lean on them. I couldn’t have made it through without my friends.

      For me, I knew I could never get past it without couples therapy and his completely cutting off contact with the affair partner. He wasn’t willing to do either, so that was that. You can draw bright lines like that as boundaries, and it’s ok if what you want changes over time.

      Sending good vibes and hugs to you— I’m so sorry this is happening.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 I’m really sorry you are dealing with this. My marriage did not survive infidelity. He fell in love and wanted nothing to do with me. End of story. I would have liked to have tried to work through things. Not necessarily to save the marriage but to understand what happened/what went wrong so I could learn/grow.

        Please understand that his cheating is not a reflection of you or your body!

        • How Long

          Oh goodness, yes! I forgot that part. This is 100% a problem with HIM, not with you. Mine was similar to OP’s— he was having a months long affair with a mentee of his who is at least 10 years younger than me. After individual therapy, I understood it was about him needing some sort of admiration or power advantage to feel validated and good about himself because there was something wrong with his self esteem or self worth.

          I also will say I was willing to do anything to save the marriage at first (except forgo counseling or know that they were still in contact), but two years out, I’m glad we’re not married anymore. That’s not a judgment about what OP should do, but please just know that even if it doesn’t work, there is hope and something great on the other side.

        • Ellen

          Agreed. Hugs, and one thing you should NOT do…that is do not find another guy to have $ex with just to get back at him. You are above that and do not want some other guy’s sperm just to get even with him. Go to a counselor, with or without him, and get someone who knows family law, as since he was the one who strayed, he will have to pay for his indiscetion if you decide not to take him back. But b/f you do so, remeber that you should only do so if they are clearly remorseful and truly promise never to pull down their zippers for any other women other then you. Good luck, and remember to take the high road always.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry.

      I can recall a situation where this happened with a cleric and the church board made him go get tested for STDs (and then agree to retests at 3 and 6 months). They had concerns, obvs, but one of which was that the wife should know what she may have been exposed to (and I believe he was told to leave the wife alone until the 6-month screen).

      Obvs different situation than you, but the “your safety / exposure” is something to take seriously even if he says he used precautions (I don’t see why you should put yourself at risk — he should have to show you what his and your actual exposure is).

        • Anon

          Why is reminding someone of the importance of STD testing after infidelity repulsive? Or am I missing something here? Are you trying to imply the cleric abused little boys?

          • Anon

            I’m a different poster, but honestly the post about the cleric was really weird to me, and something about it rubbed me the wrong way. I’m trying to put my finger on why – maybe because the church board told the cleric to “leave his wife alone” for the 6-months. She’s an adult woman, no? The fact that a church board was this involved in a couple’s marriage? I don’t think the church board needs to be that involved, and it icked me out.

            Also – the thought of someone cheating and then exposing you to an STD in itself is pretty repulsive.

          • Anonymous

            It’s repulsive to not just fire him if he violates their values, it’s repulsive to tell him to stay away from his wife for 6 months like she isn’t a human being with agency, it’s repulsive that a church board is more invested in an employee’s sex life than in whether he is meeting his commitments to the Church.

          • Anonymous

            I think the idea that you get tested and retested over 6 months is that some things can take a while to show up.

            And IME many cheaters are also married, so there is a whole lot of sharing that occurs that the cheated-on spouses are getting exposed to.

            A lot of the cheaters have had Vs, so I doubt they used protection b/c they were only thinking about one type of risk.

      • Anonymous

        My sibling was cheated on and went through the testing b/c my POS ex-BIL would not. He said he’d used protection but he’d lied so much that why risk your health by trusting him again? I think he worked at the hospital system that would likely do the testing and was worried about his reputation (cheated with a nurse he supervised) more than my sister’s health. At any rate, people who are hooking up in random places (hall closet at work, cars) usually don’t have protection on them.

    • Anonymous

      Why bother? Kick his harassing tush out, go see a lawyer, and start moving on.

      • Anonymous

        Yup, a three month affair isn’t a drunken mistake it’s a character flaw.

        • Anon

          Agreed. And the subordinate thing would be a huge dealbreaker for me too – he obviously has terrible judgment and can’t conduct himself appropriately in the workplace. I’m not saying the OP should be worrying about the subordinate right now – it makes sense for her to focus on things from her perspective – but it would be another red flag to me that this is about lack of character, not a mistake.

      • Never too many shoes...

        Totally. A drunken moment of weakness is one thing, a lengthy affair involves a planned conspiracy and a purposeful deception. Hard no.

    • Anon

      I am sorry to be negative. I know couples who have survived cheating, but it was momentary and they eventually ended up getting divorced. Mainly, in the examples that are within my friends/family group, the husband cheated, wife was furious. Husband was then remorseful, wife remained furious but resigned to saving the marriage, husband cheated again.

      I feel like it’s usually a character issue and not a one-time circumstance.

    • Senior Attorney

      I don’t have any experience with infidelity, but I just want to say if this only came out last night, you are probably pretty much in shock and right now you just need to be kind to yourself and focus on getting through the next 24 hours or so. If it were me I’d ask him to stay in a hotel for a night or two, or better yet I’d take my baby(ies) home to my mom for a day or two if possible to get a little breathing room.

      Hugs to you.

      • anonymous

        All of this. I know I would be a screaming mess right now and not in good shape to make any kind of real decisions. I think time apart so you can breathe and think is a good idea if you can swing it. Ideally he should leave.
        Sorry to say this. I have known couples who have survived the one-off kind of infidelity (i.e., drunken bad judgement for one night only at a conference or when the partner/spouse was out of town). I do not know any marriage that has ultimately, over the long run, survived an affair. It usually ends up being too big of a river to cross. But now’s not the time to get to figure out long term life. Focus on what you need to do right now, today to have yourself and your family in a place that feels physically and psychologically safe. Big, big hugs to you.

      • Traveling Lawyer

        I am currently dealing with a very similar situation. What I can tell you is, you don’t have to make a decision to say or go right now. In fact, I can tell you that you shouldn’t make that decision right. You should absolutely take time away from him, and even a couple days without kids (if you have any). Spend a couple of nights with a friend or family member that you know will support you no matter what. You need to be surrounded by people who love you. You are going to cry and then be angry and then cry again. All of that is ok.

        I am 2 years into the process of figuring out if I want to stay in this marriage. Some days are yes, and some days are no. We went to a couple of different couples therapists as well as seeking individual therapy as well. In my opinion, even if you don’t think you want to stay in the marriage, attend a couple of couple’s counseling sessions, just to get a better grip on your thoughts and emotions. He should also be doing counseling too, because I would bet he doesn’t understand the real reason he had an affair.

        If he refuses to cut off contact with the affair partner, or doesn’t let you have the time and space you need to heal from this, those are huge red flags and probably an indication the marriage isn’t going to make it.

        There is no right answer here. I get the stigma of staying after an affair. And because of that stigma, you might be hesitant to lean on friends, in case you decide to stay, and you don’t want them judging you. But, I think more marriages than we know survive infidelity. We just don’t know about them because people don’t talk about it.

        I am so sorry you are going through this. It is truly terrible and I am sending you all the love and hugs I can. I want you to know that it’s ok to decide to stay. And it’s ok to decide not to stay. The only two people that really know your marriage are the two people in it, so listen to what everyone says, but don’t let them make the decision for you. And truly, take some time before making a decision.

    • Flats Only

      One thing I would consider is whether the nature of the cheating situation (with a subordinate!) is going to cause him a world of legal hurt down the road, and whether you want to be there to support him through that. If the subordinate turns hostile he could get in real trouble, run up big legal bills, be unemployable for a time, etc. all of which would have a financial impact on you in addition to dealing with the emotional impact of his infidelity on your relationship.

    • Anonymous

      Please be careful not to jump too quickly into “repair mode.” Allow yourself some time to actually grieve and be angry. If you mask those feelings by diving into trying to fix things too quickly, the buried emotions are eventually going to resurface and it will be worse.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, this for sure. I’d definitely recommend individual counseling ASAP.

    • TZ

      I’m sorry this happened to you.

      My dad cheated on my mom in a similar long-term/not-a-drunken-mistake type affair. I saw how much it affected her self-esteem. While she chose to stay with him (mainly due to financial reasons) I can see her being doubtful of herself and suspicious of him to this day. I do think my father would have been happier if they had ended their marriage but felt a sense of obligation to his family and ended his relationship with the other woman.

      At the time, I was very mad at my father but as time has gone by I feel sad for him and kind of wish he had a chance to be with someone that I think would be better suited to him than my mom. I am unsure whether he is still in that relationship as my dad stays away from home for work a lot more than he used to. Other than that, my parents marriage seems okay to me and great to everyone unaware of the situation.

      I don’t have any specific advice for you, jus hoping a different perspective may be helpful. If you want to talk or just get a drink either via skype or in person if you’re in LA, feel free to post a burner email address and I can be your shoulder and non-judgmental friend.

    • Anon

      My marriage did not survive. Thank goodness. The infidelity was an indicator of much, much bigger issues (with HIM) that I was happy to ignore. It took me two years to leave. I wish I had done it much sooner. After we finally divorced, I found out that this wasn’t the only affair. I am now happily married to a genuinely good person.

    • Marie

      Sending more warm thoughts from an internet stranger. I am so sorry you are going through this. Agree with all the advice above to do whatever you need to do for yourself and that it is not incumbent on you to immediately determine “the solution to this.” Take some time to feel your feelings and then figure out where you want to go from there.

    • VeryAnon

      Not married, but my SO broke up with me because he wanted to “explore options.”. He kept in contact with me and started dating someone else (OW). After 2.5 months I told him I needed to stop having any contact with him – it was all non-sexual and non-romantic but made it too hard for me to move on. Within three days he broke up with her and we got back together and have been (mostly) living together ever since. We’re mid-50s and neither is looking for marriage.

      He knew OW for at most three months and (supposedly) has had no contact with her in 2.5 years. They have no common friends or life overlap.

      But … I know he googles her often – sometimes several times a week. About a year into.our reconciliation I went to the browser history of the shared computer to find a recipe is looked up and realized he’d searched for her within an hour of a gardening session.

      I think she represents an idea / image, and neither of us is happy with the weight I’ve gained. But I am getting closer and closer to telling him that unless he can guarantee he will stop looking for info or pictures, our relationship has to see end. To paraphrase Princess Diana, it feels like there are three of us in this relationship.

      And this wasn’t infidelity – it was dating while broken up.

    • Anon

      A little late to this. I would try to wait it out and give it at least six months to a year before making a decision to leave. A lot of marriages survive infidelity, but we just don’t know about them because they are kept quiet. We only know the ones where people split because those are the ones that can’t be kept quiet.

      I can also share what happened to my parents, for better or worse you can judge for yourself. My dad had a long term girlfriend and was on the verge of divorcing my mom, when he was diagnosed with terminal illness. His illness rallied the whole family together and we all did our best to care for him. Going through it made him feel loved, and made him realize how important my mother was to him. So he cut off any contact with her (though he did give her some money). I could see the hurt my mother experienced, even as she was caring for him. My father consistently denied having a girlfriend even though we know about it because she has called my mom. My mom never directly confronted my father about it, though he is aware of the mistress’s call to her. Just when she was about to confront him, he got diagnosed with the illness. In the end, he died after professing his love for my mother and expressing his regrets about the mistress. I am grateful that they were able to reconcile in the end, and that their love grew stronger. However, I am not sure that it would have happened had he not been diagnosed with a terminal illness. The mistress was also clearly out for his money, and once she realized he did not have enough money for his treatment, she was not as persistent as before, so that may have played a factor too. Long story short, marriages can survive infidelity if you work on it, and your husband works on it. People do learn from their mistakes even if it may be a character flaw, as character flaw can be overcome.

  14. Anon

    My boss is currently recruiting for a management position. Yesterday she sent a series of feelers out to people to get suggestions. When she scheduled a meeting with me right in the middle of those emails/conversations, I dared to hope she might suggest that I apply. It turned out she wanted to ask me to speak to some high school students.

    I feel foolish, but should I tell her I want to apply when she is clearly not thinking of me in this way? Does it matter that I’m unlikely to get the promotion?

    • Biggest Balls in the Room

      I would mention it to her. Even if this position isn’t the right one for you, it at least lets her know that you are actively interested in doing more.

    • Anon

      Have the confidence of a mediocre white man, who would just assume it was his for the taking. Go for it!

        • Anonymous

          I so needed the mediocre white man confidence reminder before a big call I have coming up this afternoon, during which I will be going up against a mediocre white man.

      • Anon

        +1 If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my professional career so far, it’s that you have to ask for the things you want.

    • Anon

      Have you ever mentioned your interest in this role before? How do you know she’s clearly not thinking of you? Maybe she assumes you’re not interested. You have to communicate what you want!

      • Anonymous

        Yep. Worst case it will turn into a “what will it take to get me there” convo!

  15. Tory Burch Simone dupe?

    My closet-all star is the Tory Burch Simone Cardigan, which apparently isn’t made anymore. (Not the shrunken one, which has kind of reappeared as the Madeline cardigan, but the original hip-length, narrower cut Simone.) Does anyone have any suggestions for a similar sweater, ideally available in a wide variety of colors like the Simone was?

    • Housecounsel

      I wish you had never mentioned that this existed because I just looked at the Simone and I love it but apparently cannot have it.

    • anon a mouse

      For several years Nordstrom has offered one made by Halogen — it doesn’t have the big buttons of the Simone but the rest is very similar. The ones on the site now seem to be cotton blend but mine are definitely merino — maybe check back when they open the anniversary sale and have fall items stocked? I have it in 3 colors, it’s a workhorse.

      • Anon

        If I’m thinking of the same cardigan, did yours pill badly? I really should have returned mine. I bought it at last years NAS and it didn’t make it through the Christmas/New Years holidays – and I didn’t start wearing it until cooler weather in the fall.

    • Anon

      Check out online second-hand clothing stores to see if you can find a “like new” Simone cardigan there. I’ve done this before with pieces I have loved that aren’t sold in retail stores anymore. Sites like ThredUP (www.thredup.com/r/LS3M1I – link includes a referral for $10 off a first order) and Swap.com (refer.swap.com/s/tmp46 – 20% off referral) and two good places to look. Good luck!!

    • anon

      I don’t, but i would look for used ones, new ones with tags, or whatever on ebay and The real real.

  16. anon for this

    I just had an associate tell me she’s going to need help handling her projects for the next few months because she’s going to be really busy with wedding planning. Not her actual wedding/honeymoon (for which she’s taking time off that’s already calendared and accounted for in terms of staffing). Planning. Examples included that she’s going to need to run out during the day for cake tastings and fittings and so she thinks we should staff an additional associate on her matters in case she’s not able to make scheduled calls.

    I…do not even know how to respond to this.

      • anon for this

        Ha, yes, I’m definitely going to. I was so boggled in the moment – literally thought she was joking at first.

    • Anon

      That is…extremely poor judgment on her part. Literally everyone, especially at law firms without huge face time requirements, runs out for quick pre-wedding appointments with no fuss and most of the time no heads up. They do what all professionals do – get to work early, stay at work late, schedule appointments around lunch and on Fridays, and reschedule if work comes up. Also, most of these appointments can happen on a weekend.

      If she think she needs extra staffing to prepare for a wedding, which has sporadic planned events, if literally anything disruptive happens in her life, she’s going to drop the ball. I hate to say this, but I would immediately think “ok well, she’s gonna quit when her husband makes enough money or she has a kid so I’m not gonna bother investing time or mentorship into her anymore.” She clearly doesn’t take the level of work her job requires seriously, so I wouldn’t take her seriously. If you have the relationship with her, I’d tell her just that – that you are questioning her dedication and judgment because she thinks wedding planning is a legitimate excuse to drop the basic duties of her job.

      • anon for this

        She’s not someone who works closely with me, which I’m grateful for given this. I’ve had to talk to associates about difficult issues before, but never something that demonstrated this kind of poor judgment.

    • Anonymous

      “That won’t be possible. You are required to be here, working, and meeting the needs of the firm and our clients. It is inappropriate and unprofessional that you asked for time off for wedding planning and that will be reflected in your review.” After you speak to HR/the managing partner/whoever runs the show at your firm, in a meeting with that person and you. What did you say in the moment?

      • anon for this

        I was so gobsmacked that I didn’t really say anything…plus I was getting on a call so I just said “we’ll talk later.” I literally though she was joking at first.

        • Anonymous

          This would have been me — too shocked to say anything, hoping there is a punch line in there somewhere.

      • Anon

        Wow, is that really how you would respond? Way to take a sledgehammer to the issue…

        This is what I would say “Hey, I wanted to touch base about our conversation the other day and clarify expectations. If you have wedding-related appointments, those need to be taken care of on your own time and we expect you to be in the office during regular work hours for all client meetings and calls. It’s okay to take personal calls or have appointments, but they need to be scheduled at times that do not affect your availability or willingness to handle your regular matters.”

        • Flats Only

          Yeah, there is someone, not sure if it’s always the same poster, who puts out these scripts that are basically the most hostile and officious way of making whatever the point is. (The script about how the office temperature is set for the most senior folks in the office comes to mind). I like your script better. It gets the point across without burning bridges – for all the poster knows the managing partner is her father’s best friend, has known her since she was two, and thinks the wedding planning is “cute” and something that should be accommodated. In which case, bad judgement or not, you don’t want to piss off this associate.

          • Anon

            Yeah, there’s some definitely bad advice given here! My guess is it’s by somebody who doesn’t have very much actual work experience.

          • Anonymous

            Ok you may not like my advice on this one but no, I’m not solely responsible for all the “bad” advice here and I didn’t participate in the discussion about office temp. In my office, she would be lucky not to get fired for doing something this ridiculous. That script you think is omg to harsh is the minimum we would do, and it’s designed to convey that she better change her attitude immediately and have no more issues or look for a new job.

          • Anon

            I wasn’t the one who put out the office temp scripts, or the above script, but the former was obviously aimed at conveying the idea that the partners and associates need to wear suits, and therefore, the office will be set to be comfortable for them. This isn’t an optional thing for a paralegal to overrule.

          • Anon

            I dunno, I thought the thermostat thing was unnecessarily confrontational, but it’s absurd that a fourth year associate doesn’t know that her demand is totally unreasonable and Anon at 10:57’s script seems appropriately blunt. People in Big Law don’t tend to sugarcoat things and this isn’t just a case of the associate making a mistake or being a little misguided – she (the associate) is way, way off base here and it’s appropriate for the message to be delivered in a way that communicates that.

    • Anon

      Just checking here – you’re a partner, her boss? Or a more senior associate that she feels friendly with? Because I could see a junior associate saying to a friendly senior associate, “Hey, could you cover me / find someone to cover for me while I run and do a cake-tasting on August 14th?”

      • anon for this

        A partner, yup. And it was definitely not a “hey I have to do this one thing so can we schedule the call for a different day” question – expressly it was a “my availability is going to be reduced for the next few months because I’m going to be really busy planning the wedding, so I think we should add another associate to this deal” statement.

          • Anonymous

            Right? The moxie involved here is amazing! I am not in law but even outside of law firms this would have gotten soooo much side-eye from me (and anyone else in a management position).

          • Anon

            Yeah, I work 9-5 in a very laid back office where you actually could do a lot of sneaking out/wedding planning at your desk without anyone noticing. But people would still sideeye you if you announced that you’d have reduced availability because you’re planning a wedding. That is ridiculous behavior for any adult professional.

    • Anonymous

      Start transitioning your matters to other associates who have a better work ethic. I want to work with people who want to do the work; if that’s not her then she doesn’t get to be on my team. If you’re not the billing partner then you need to alert them to this issue and ask for help on next steps.

      • Anon

        As much as I hate it, this would be the answer at most firms. From a practical perspective and the view of other associates, it would be better if you actually talked with her and explain why this was unacceptable. By just not assigning her work, you effectively give her what she wants and hurt other associates – now she has all the time she wants to wedding plan when making a biglaw salary and other associates have to pick up the slack. In most firms, she wouldn’t get fired for years for not having enough work

        • anon

          This. And, unless you explain to her why you’re doing what you’re doing and that it’s a negative consequence, nothing will change for the better. OP, if you can explain to this associate why her proposal is unacceptable, you will be doing her a huge favor. Sometimes new associates truly don’t comprehend the meaning of being available in a private practice setting and what the expectations are. These expectations seem obvious to a midlevel/more senior associate but not necessarily to a junior. Junior associate sees partners leaving “early” but doesn’t see them taking conference calls at home/logging in after the kids go to bed. Junior associate is not cc’d on emails that come in at all hours of the night and do not see how quickly a partner tries to turn around answers– she’s just asked to research xyz. A partner asks her “if she has time to do something” and she doesn’t know that “if you have time” is a meaningless nicety, and she says no when the answer is always yes. She gets the wrong idea about what the expectations are, or just does not fully comprehend them.

          There’s a high probability that an associate who would come to you with a request like this is hopeless.
          If it doesn’t sink in and she just sucks, then the chips will fall where they will and she won’t last long.

          • anon

            Just read she’s a 4th year. Yikes. Maybe the ship has sailed on rehabilitation.

    • Anonymous

      OMG

      I got married and had two babies in BigLaw and cannot even imagine having this convo with anyone.

      I’d go talk to her real supervisors about what the associate told you and see what page they are on.

      • Anon

        If OP is a partner who assigns the associate work, she is one of her real supervisors.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, but she’s not the primary.

          There are some associates I give ~20 hours of work to a month. In that case, I’d probably permanently transition to someone else.

          I have two associates I supervise FT (both married, both parents) and give about 80% of their work to and had they ever come to me with this I’d have questioned my judgment about WTF I had done in hiring people so tone-deaf and with such little judgment.

          What I usually get is “X is going on and I will juggle things around to meet needs. I just wanted you to know in case I seemed to be away from my desk more. I’ll have my phone on me and will monitor things as needed.”

    • Anon

      This –>It’s okay to take personal calls or have appointments, but they need to be scheduled at times that do not affect your availability or willingness to handle your regular matters.<– is the best line so far, in my opinion. I would also add that work must come first during work hours. That doesn't mean you can't step out briefly during work hours, but that if anything even moderately important comes up, the appointment gets bumped/rescheduled/whatever.

      I encourage you to be direct with her but to also give her a chance to recover from this. It shows a very poor understanding of "how things work" which can come from a simple lack of exposure to the legal/professional world. To be clear, what she is asking for is entirely unprofessional and should not be accommodated. What I'm expressing is that she might simply need to be told that is the case and then not punished for it. She needs some mentoring, and it may need to be much more heavy handed that a lot of other advice so that she gets the idea how far outside okay this request was.

      • anon for this

        For what it’s worth (and I should have mentioned this) – she’s a fourth-year. She lateraled from another firm so she’s only been with us for about two years, but she’s been practicing for four. I don’t know how you get to be a fourth-year without realizing that this is a totally out of bounds request, but yeah. She has, somehow.

        • Anonymous

          There is literally nowhere that this would be acceptable. I got married two months into my first law job and even I knew to schedule things on at lunchtime or weekends, not cut into work time. It’s insane that she thinks this was okay to ask.

  17. Anon

    Best place for some basic yet pretty blouses with long sleeves? I need more options for my business casual office! My usual go-to (Loft) is coming up short for me now.

  18. Monkey

    Recommendations for a hotel in Lisbon? I am looking for something not outrageously expensive and prefer boutique hotels. Thanks, ladies.

    • cbackson

      I loved As Janelas Verdes. It’s owned by Lisbon Heritage Collection – they’re all in historic buildings. I REALLY wanted to stay in their Solar do Castelo property, which is inside St. George’s Castle, but it was booked when I went.

  19. Anonymous

    I want to replace the coutertops in my kitchen. What’s on trend or current for kitchens? Is granite still in?

    • anon

      Granite is always in….a beautiful natural stone. Prices of granite have come down over past 10 years and you will find that quartz is higher in price.

      • Anon

        Granite is higher maintenance, will hold stains, and needs to be resealed every one to two years. If you want a “forget about it” sort of counter, I would go with manufactured quartz.

        • anonandon

          Fun fact, this is actually propaganda from the quartz industry. Granite needs to be sealed exactly once, maybe resealed after 20 or so years if you’re REALLY hard on it, and is actually stronger and more heat resistant than quartz. The real advantage of engineered surfaces like quartz is the colors are much more flexible.

          The big brand name in quartz has been pushing this narrative for so long that it’s become a common misconception, so no shade at all being thrown here.

          • Anon

            Yes, my contractor told me that too – granite needs to be resealed every 15-20 years minimum.

    • Anon

      We are putting in slate. Granite looks very dated to me. Quartz looks ok, but often like it’s trying to be marble and failing. I would do real marble, but my husband vetoed it b/c of concerns about etching. The other finish we seriously considered was stainless steel, which is the most practical of them all, but didn’t really seem to fit with our 100 year-old rowhouse.

  20. DC anon

    Thoughts on buying a used car? We need a second car to drop kid off at a new school this fall. We have to park the car on the street in the city, so we don’t want to buy a sparkling brand new car, but I have never purchased a used car – what are some things I should look out for? Mileage, wear and tear, brand, year?

    • Anon

      Don’t get a Toyota Corolla or Honda Accord. They get stolen a lot because they’re so common. I’d sign up for the free trial of Consumer Reports and start there with attention to safety since you’ll be driving your kid on a daily basis.

      Also, consider an electric car.

      • Z

        Ha, I bought a used Corolla. Personally I love love love my car. I’ve never been worried about it getting stolen, and I live in a city with extremely high car theft rates. I have friends that had their much nicer newer cars get stolen, so it really can be a crapshoot.

      • Anon

        Yeah I have a 15 year old Corolla – I used to live in an apartment building that had break-ins all the time. My car was never, ever touched in the 5 years I lived there. I think newer cars are a much bigger draw, regardless of make and model. If OP is talking about buying a car that’s <5 years old then that might count as new for theft purposes, I'm not sure.

      • A note on car theft

        NOT TRUE

        They get stolen a lot b/c there are a lot of them out there. If there were a lot of Buicks on the road, a lot of Buicks would get stolen. But cars don’t get stolen b/c they are Buicks, it’s b/c they are CARS. The car thief isn’t thinking “I will steal this b/c it is reliable and when I do rarely need to have it serviced, I can easily find a mechanic and the repair won’t cost too much.”

        Get a Honda / Toyota.

        And if you don’t want any car you have to be stolen get a manual transmission car and hope that the thief notices before they break out your window.

    • Anon

      Certified Preowned is a good middle ground for you to explore. They are a bit pricier because you are essentially paying the manufacturer or dealer (depending on the brand) to screen the vehicle and then insure that screening to a minimum standard. If you want to self-screen and self-insure you will save some cash upfront. I see it mostly as a preference and risk tolerance decision.

    • Anon

      Is that bit about Accords and Carollas still true? I remember hearing it in the ’90s. I can’t imagine anyone stealing a Carolla or Accord these days, when there are so many more desirable cars out there. And I’m not sure if the sheer numbers of them on the road in the 90s just meant that there were more of them to steal.

      Carmax is overpriced, but you have the comfort of not having to haggle, if that worries you. Are you in DC like your name suggests? I can’t say enough good things about Priority Toyota in Springfield – I bought a used Highlander there last year that was still under warranty. They really and truly are wonderful people who take such good care of you. The car buying process was actually enjoyable and the service team is fantastic in every way. (I make my scheduled maint. appts on Fridays and work remotely – free wifi and outlets and tables and chairs with a snack bar, and even a manicurist on Wednesdays! You get assigned to a maintenance team leader when you make your first appointment, and he or she sees you every time you bring in your car, so they get to know you and your car. Mine finds me coupons all the time or gets me discounts.)

    • LifeScienceMBA

      Consider going to any dealer towards the end of the month, and if you can pay cash, do so. We have negotiated 10-15% lower prices on two cars with this strategy – salesmen want to meet their target number of cars sold that month, and if you can say: “I’m ready to buy this for [your price minus X] in cash TODAY”, you’re in a strong position.

      Also, look at fleet vehicles – many rental car companies sell 1-2 year old cars at good prices. These cars have usually been dealer-serviced. You can search on any rental car company’s website for the information on where to buy their vehicles.

      Also, do some research on Craigslist to get a general idea about the price range for the car you want. But be aware of scams – often shady dealers put a “bait car” on Craigslist to lure you in and sell you another crappy car because the bait “was just sold”.

    • Anon

      For quality, you’re better off buying used from a dealer that sells the same cars new, because dealers get first pick of the used cars turned in off lease and they pick the best ones (they do cost more). Consider buying certified pre-owned. The dealer will have thoroughly checked for problems. Otherwise, don’t assume they have or will tell you, and take the car for inspection at a different dealer. If you buy from an individual, definitely get a Carfax and ask the seller for all service records. If seller can’t produce them, you probably don’t want the car.

  21. Anon

    I’d like to bake some kind of breakfast pastry or cookie that has some protein and is filling, but that goes well with coffee. I’m thinking maybe some kind of oatmeal muffin with nuts or maybe oatmeal cookies, although I’d like a recipe that doesn’t have tons of added sugar. Any suggestions?

    • Anonymous

      You can make muffins with Kodiak Cake mix, which has tons of protein and not a ton of sugar.

    • Anonymous

      Any of the Cookie and Kate healthy muffin recipes. I prefer the longer baking time at the lower temperature–the higher temperature/shorter baking time tends to dry them out. I use white whole wheat flour.

      I love the Run Fast Eat Slow superhero muffins, but not everyone is a fan.

      Another option is breakfast cookies. The Run Fast Eat Slow sweet potato breakfast cookies are fantastic. I also like the blueberry banana breakfast cookies from A Pinch of Yum, but I double the flour and baking powder to make them less doughy.

    • Anonymouse

      Bit late to the convo–I do choco-banana muffins. May not satisfy the not-too-much added sugar aspect but bananas are naturally sweet so you can get away with less sugar possibly. (I use semi-sweet chocolate chips.) I usually mix in cocoa nibs and/or nuts like pecans to give them some crunch so it doesn’t feel like eating banana bread. (I used to make blueberry muffins but found I just didn’t like them as much.)

    • Coach Laura

      Superhero muffins are great. No sugar but 1/2 cup of honey but that’s not too much. There’s a shredded apple/carrot version and a zucchini/carrot version. Recipe easily google-able. They are fantastic frozen and eaten later. I have to freeze and hide from DH so they don’t get eaten too quickly.

  23. Anonymous

    So this came up yesterday in a different context and I’m curious — do you find it easier to be friends with men rather than women?

    I’ll admit thru high school and college, I did. IDK why but I just felt like at those ages girls were judging me because I wasn’t pretty, didn’t wear make up, had a ratty ponytail and just didn’t know how to make myself look better. But I didn’t want to be lonely so I hung out with guys — always had nice guy friends who while they wouldn’t date me, would still hang out. I really didn’t start making female friends until age 25 in biglaw and then it was like OMG this is what I’ve been missing — people to share with, joke with etc — friendships that I realized were SO much deeper than guy friends. They accepted me did who I was — and frankly I find it easier to fit in now in a business suit. In all these years I’ve realized the majority of those girls in HS and college were probably pretty nice but I was too insecure to allow those friendships. I kick myself knowing that maybe I could’ve had tight groups of friends from HS or college but I don’t because I just decided I was someone who got along better with guys.

    • Anon

      Nope. I’m not someone who is pretty or popular or finds it especially easy to be friends with women, but all my close friends are and always have been women and I’ve always found it easier to make small talk with women and have been friendlier with my female co-workers than my male co-workers. To be honest, I’m always surprised when people tell me they have close platonic friendships with the opposite sex – I’m not saying I don’t believe it or I judge it, but any time I have had a guy get to anything more than acquaintance level (which has been rare, honestly) either he liked me or I liked him, and the feelings weren’t reciprocated. Even post-marriage this has happened (it turned out that my suddenly very friendly male co-worker wanted to be more than friends, even though I wore a ring and talked about my husband all the time). And I’m definitely no supermodel, nor especially confident and seductive, so I imagine if this happens to me it must happen to everyone.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve never had CLOSE guy friends. It was all very surface level — people to chat with, get a meal with and that’s it. I feel like with guy friends I don’t ever talk about family or a past memory — all very standard conversation between females.

    • Anon

      Nope. I’ve always had trouble fitting in with the “popular“girls, because I’m not in to make up, like to play sports, like to read, and am a little bit of a nerd (and had to take on a lot of responsibility young, so I was always a very serious child and didn’t understand their “problems”). But it’s always been worse with the guys, I don’t follow sports, I don’t play video games, and I hate body humor/slapstick comedy.

    • Anon for this

      No, I don’t. All of my closest friends have always been women. I am considered conventionally very attractive and if I’m being honest, I feel like some women are drawn to me because of my looks (so the opposite of what you are saying). I hate to say that but they comment on it often enough that I figure it’s true. Then once they get to know me they (hopefully) find out that I’m also smart and a very warm person.

      I was an extremely nerdy kid with no fashion sense growing up so the transition to adulthood has been interesting, to say the least.

    • Anonymous

      I was always the girl in the group of guys. But over time, one by one, they would all make the move to date me, or a mutual friend would reveal that there was interest, and I would realize they didn’t respect the friendship the way I did. It’s disheartening. I now have lots of female friends and the connection is different, even shallower in some instances, but I find my social life is better, busier, and less complicated now.

    • Anon

      I have close male friends and close female friends, although definitely more female friends. Always have had both.

    • Anon

      I was a loner in high school (like truly – I’d go weeks without speaking to anyone but my parents and teachers) but starting in college I’ve always had close friends of both genders. I think those friendships vary most based on personality, rather than gender, although there is a different vibe to an all-female group (and presumably an all-male group, but I’ve never been part of one of those). I think maybe a female friendship is more likely to be emotionally open than a male friendship, but that doesn’t mean that female friendships are always emotionally open and male friendships are never emotionally open.

      Every once in a while a male friend would confess feelings for me, or (more commonly) their girlfriend/wife would get jealous of our relationship, but we’d almost always get past it and remain friends. I’ve caught feelings for friends a few times too, both male and female, but never said anything except once (which led to us getting married, and then divorced, but we’re still friends).

    • anon

      No, I don’t. I’ve always had closer friendships with other women, even in HS when things could be rough socially. I had lots of friendships with guys in high school and college, but as an adult, my friendships with men are usually through their wives. They’re pretty surface-level friendships, TBH.

      That said, I can totally relate to being too insecure to “let in” good friendships with women. That pretty much described my life in college, to a large extent. It hasn’t been much of an issue since, though.

    • Vicky Austin

      Hmm. Most of my friends are women and I grew up in a very girly household, but my best relationships are with my dad, husband and a male best friend. Not sure if that’s all coincidence or not.

    • +1

      Are you me?

      I love my girlfriends. Bummed to have missed out on great high school and college relationships, but I did walk away with those with a few really awesome guyfriends.

    • anon

      I’ve always had one close girlfriend but then mainly a group of guy friends. I chalked it up to growing up with 2 older brothers and taking on their interests, but a lot of it was situational. The only people I had classes with in college that I knew, were guys so we would study together, and drink together after exams. My husband was skeptical when we first met that they were “just friends” but eventually realized he had nothing to be jealous about. I was lucky (?) to have a gorgeous best friend who the guys liked instead, and I never had to worry about them admitting feelings to me, just talking about how they wanted to date her instead.
      As I’ve gotten older and married though, I value my female friendships more because there’s a lot more we understand and have in common. The friendships are deeper, and I can go to them with problems. My guy friends came on my bach party, I lived with one of them right before I got married, but texting/hanging out has diminished a lot, and I can’t see myself starting a close friendship with a man in the future.

    • Monday

      Women are awesome. I prefer women for just about every role in my life: friends, colleagues, bosses, airplane seatmates, fiction authors, store clerks, internet commenters, strangers when I need a favor, workout buddies, I could go on. I really wish I was interested in dating women, but that’s the one area where I do still need men.

      Obviously we’re generalizing here, but in my experience *overall* men are just less considerate, less empathetic, less hard-working, poorer conversationalists, and less interesting. Even if attraction on either side is a total non-issue.

      • Anon

        Yes all of this! And I would add doctors, dentists, lawyers, accountants, etc. Basically I wish everyone I ever had to interact with (except my husband) was a woman.

        • Monday

          Good call! Health care providers and any other service profession involving expertise and advice.

          I will also add Uber/Lyft drivers, realtors, and everyone doing salon services…

    • anon

      Yes, and I still do. I have a core group of women friends that are low drama, but have always found men to be easier and more approachable and less dramatic.

    • Anemone

      I socialize better with guys because I don’t have or want kids. In my area, 95% of casual conversation for women is about diapers, daycare, and homework. I assume that’s less true in more progressive parts of the country, though.

    • Anon

      I had mixed groups of friends all through college and grad school. Now, in my 30s, most of my friends are women. The change is a mix of happenstance (my current office is 80% women, which is not true for my industry overall) and having kids, which meant spending a lot of time in breastfeeding support groups, etc., for a few years. But I would not say that my friendships with women are deeper on average than those with men. I find it valuable to have female friends because we do share some common experiences; my guy friends will sympathize with the feeling of being vaguely harassed all the time, but they don’t really get it in the way that women do. But my friendships with men are deep in their own ways. And, although I’m straight, there’s never been any question of romance with them – no attraction on either side. Now we’re all married to other people anyway.

    • Anonymous

      My best friend in high school was a guy. He was (is) 5’4 and I was (am) 5’11. Say what you will about height not mattering, but I 100% would never have dated him, nor he me, and a huge piece of that was lack of physical comparability (I’m not bad looking, he’s cute, but I say that in the way I say I have a good looking cousin). It only got a little weird because a new guy moved to town that immediately started dating, and who became very good friends with my best friend. We used to joke that he was dating us both.

      Decades later we remain really good friends- i wouldn’t say either of them are my BEDT friends, but they are reliable friends.

      Along the way, I broke up with New Guy, but introduced him to his now-spouse. New Guy introduced Guy Friend to his friend from college and they eventually got married (I’d set up Guy Friend a few times as well). We all happily married and have kids that are approx the same age. Guy friend’s parents are like my second family and came to my wedding and 3/4 of my kids’ 1st birthdays.

  24. More Sleep Would Be Nice

    What are your best practice outfits to wear to informational interviews/networking coffees? Meeting with a few very high-profile and impressive (to me) folks while visiting home city to learn more about the job market and opportunities for my skill set and experience, as DH and I are hoping to relocate in the next 6 months. Was thinking dress and blazer. TIA!

    • Anonymous

      I don’t even think you need the blazer for the summer. Wrap dress with sleeves and appropriate length, make sure if you need it you have a slip or something.

  25. anonymsh

    My grandboss is leaving for a new gig – we’ve both been here 6 years. I was highly regarded, promoted twice and effectively the deputy for my immediate boss at the time. About 2 years ago, after my immediate boss left for another job, he acted like he was going to promote me, but ultimately didn’t. In the meantime I had a baby and went onmaternity leave, etc. Ever since I’ve been back (about a year now), he has ignored me and I have been job hunting unsuccessfully. Is there any point in meeting with him before he leaves to find out what happened that he stopped assigning work to me? Or do I chalk it up to one of those things and move on with my life?

  26. anon

    How often do you refinish your wood floors? Our floors are only 7 years old, but they are in our kitchen — so a high-traffic area — and they’re looking so worn underneath our chairs. Maybe it’s more noticeable because they’re stained dark? They aren’t engineered hardwood, but they were prefinished plans, which might make a difference. Ya’ll, pets and young kids are HARD on a floor. If I had to do it over again, I would’ve done a high-quality laminate. The stuff we had in our old house was indestructable, but no, I had to covet the look of wood. I am just so over the maintenance required to make this stuff look good.

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