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Updated: Nov 13, 2020 337 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Long Length Boyfriend Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Since I started coming back into the office a few months ago, my wardrobe has taken a decidedly more casual turn. I’ve been wearing a lot of pants that veer dangerously close to leggings. (The Gigi ponte pant from J. Crew Factory is a current favorite.) 

When I wear a tighter-fitting pant, I tend to look for a longer-length top to (literally) CYA. This long boyfriend blazer would be a great option. It comes in five colors and a broad range of sizes, including petite and tall options. I would wear it with a tucked-in blouse and some skinny ankle pants.

The jacket is $49.99 and comes in regular sizes 4–18, petite sizes 2P–16P, tall sizes 6–18, and plus sizes 16W–22W. Long Length Boyfriend Blazer

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Family Holiday Drama

    I need help figuring out how to deal with a tricky situation. Some background- I am an only child, married with one toddler. I live about 3 hours from my parents, and across the country from my husband’s parents. Our relationship with his parents is warm, but we don’t see them in person often. When we got married, my parents lived on the opposite coast, and I was very close with them. Then, they moved to be near us (their choice, not requested by us) when we had our daughter. My parents are very involved with my little one, their only grandchild. She absolutely adores them, especially my father. She is the center of their universe and I treasure the bond they have.

    However, having them nearby has been surprisingly difficult for me, and has brought to light some issues that I didn’t notice until we spent more time together. My mother can be judgmental and critical, and has trouble with realistic expectations and boundaries. For example, she very matter-of-factly told me that I would be cooking and hosting Thanksgiving this year, even though my nuclear family was in the middle of moving states and transitioning to 2 new jobs. She somehow didn’t understand why this was not an optionand was upset when I said no. My mother and husband get along just fine

    My father is supportive and means well, but has a strong, somewhat abrasive, personality. He and my husband have very little in common and really no relationship to speak of. My husband perceives this as a lack of interest on my dad’s part, and takes it extremely personally. Over time, this feeling of rejection has grown into anger, and my husband avoids spending time with my parents at all costs. He is tolerant and cordial in person, but is open with me privately about disliking them, which is painful despite my own issues with my parents. Navigating all of this is exhausting. I have been in therapy, and have mostly made peace with the situation, but it becomes especially stressful at the holidays. Christmas last year was a nightmare. Everyone was on their worst behavior. I ended up fighting with both my parents and my husband.

    This year, my husband feels strongly that he wants nothing to do with my parents at Christmas. His argument is that we have had an incredibly stressful year- we’re both in brand new jobs, our daughter is at a new daycare, we’ve had some health challenges, we’ve just recently moved states- and he wants to just relax and spend time with me and our child. I get this, and frankly it sounds nice to me. However, my parents are expecting to see us, and they’ll be crushed if we don’t include them. I am their only local family and they would be alone for the holiday otherwise, which I find sad on many levels. It’s important to me that we have a welcoming home, and that our daughter has a good relationship with her grandparents.

    My proposed solution was to ask my parents to come out on Christmas Eve day OR even the day after Christmas, spend the day with them, and tell them we have plans for just our nuclear family on Christmas Day. I think this would be a good compromise for all parties. My husband said heisn’t interested in compromising at all, and got upset when I brought it up. He says he feels like I am choosing my parents over him, which I think is unfair. He’s a genuinely wonderful husband, but I think has gotten a little carried away with his emotions here and isn’t being reasonable.

    All this to say, I could really use some advice. I’m extremely anxious about repeating our horrible Christmas last year. I don’t want to exclude my parents from the holiday entirely, I don’t want to disappoint my husband, and I want my child to enjoy her time with my parents and create memories together, but I also want to maintain my own sanity and boundaries. FWIW, we are spending Thanksgiving with my parents – catered. I’ve been avoiding the subject with both my husband and my parents, but my parents have started to ask about our plans and I know that I’m going to have to figure something out soon.

    TLDR: I know I can’t keep everyone happy. I know everyone has different ideas of the ideal Christmas. But I need help drawing boundaries that balance my nuclear family and parents needs and wants for Christmas.

      • Anon

        And now I see Christmas is a Friday. The following Saturday is January 2nd so I meant that weekend.

    • Anon

      The happiness of your nuclear family including your husband has to come first. I think you need to give your husband some leeway – it sounds like he is being excluded so no wonder he feels upset. But you have a perfect excuse this year: there’s a pandemic going on and gathering indoors is not safe.

    • Anonymous

      You’re treating your husband like a boyfriend and not like a partnership.

      • Anon

        Please. You don’t abandon your parents because your spouse doesn’t feel like hanging out with them. Nothing in OP’s comments describe toxic or abusive behavior. There is no reason to exclude parents from your lives for being annoying. Most people find their in laws annoying.

        I put my husband first, but I love my parents. Your spouse has an obligation to respect your family relationships.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not abandoning to see them for Thanksgiving and not Christmas. Many many couples alternate holidays.

      • Anonymous

        I actually think it’s the opposite. You have the right to expect more from a spouse than someone you are dating. Reality is a lot of people don’t love spending time with in-laws but it’s what you do when you become married becomes they are presumably part of your family now as well.

        And that’s the child’s family. To expect both of them to beg off seeing them entirely just because he doesn’t want to spend time with them isn’t fair. I can’t stand my husband’s sister, but I recognize it’s part of the package. And that’s my stepson’s aunt–a relationship that is important for him and is totally aside from my dislike of time with her or not.

        • Anonymous

          Nah the nuclear family comes first and no one is obligated to hang out with people they don’t like, the bar isn’t abuse but rather enjoyment and shared values. Family is not a summons.

          • Anon

            Disagree – for most people there is an obligation to see family during holidays. It’s the way our society works and if you do not want to see family then they will understandably be upset. Do you have to see them, no, but it is definitely not a choice that has no impact.

          • Anonymous

            My in-laws think I’m Satan due to my stance as of anti-racis. (among other ‘liberal elite’ values). So yeah I’m totally cool not hanging out with racists.

    • Anonymous

      I think long term, you need some therapy to understand better your feelings and not just be placating everyone else all the time, and some marriage counseling to communicate better with spouse. Short term, you married this guy, you’re really downplaying the fact that your father is abrasive and unpleasant, you’ve had a tough year, and he agreed to Thanksgiving even though you mom just imposed it on you. Stay home. Tell your parents now that you are having Christmas just the three of you. Make plans to see them the weekend before or after.

    • AnonATL

      I think your husband is being a bit unreasonable here. Nuclear family Christmas Day is fine, but I think it’s a little cruel to keep your parents from your kid for the entire holiday given the situation you describe. One day for a few hours is not going to hurt anyone. Especially because it is Christmas and it’s likely their primary focus will be on giving gifts to kiddo or playing with him/her and not on your husband.

    • asdf

      The thing to remember here is that there is no possible solution which makes everyone happy. I’m not sure I’m the best person to give advice here because I’m in a similar dynamic. Let me ask, though, if it’s possible for you to visit your parents, possibly sans husband, in the days after Christmas? My experience has been that my husband will be on his worst behavior if he’s asked to participate in a social thing he doesn’t want to. (Personally, I think it’s fair to ask your spouse to suck it up for a few hours but it may not be realistic.) It’s extremely unreasonable, however, for him to stop you from visiting your own family without him. Could you take your toddler and spend a few hours with your family on the 26th or so?

      • anonyK

        This seems like a good compromise this year- you take your kid and see your parents, either christmas eve or the 26th. Make cookies to bring them. You can task your husband with wrapping gifts (if christmas eve), assembling toys/gifts, cooking, or just enjoying some alone time while you go. Otherwise, I do think your husband is being a little unreasonable but I don’t have a full picture of what happened last year. Sounds like it was pretty miserable. I would let him off the hook for this year and hopefully he will come around next year. If he objects to even you going to see them, then yeah I think that is really unreasonable. If your parents fight this plan I would just level with them that what happened last year ruined the holiday for everyone and you don’t want that again so you are going to try something different. Maybe you can do some holiday stuff with them before the actual day too, depending how open or shut down your locality is- taking a walk to see christmas lights, going to pick out a new ornament for the tree, taking kid to see santa (not sure that is happening anywhere right now though- maybe grandpa wants to play santa?). I wouldn’t force your husband’s participation in this though, let it up to him for now.

        You also don’t say how long you’ve been married. I’ve been married 9 years and my experience with myself and friends is that in law relation problems tend to be worst in first few years and then again in the first year or two after arrival of a grandkid. I think it’s just because people are negotiating new roles. It often gets better over time (though certainly not always, depending on the personalities involved!). So, anyway, don’t lose hope that this will improve with time.

    • Anonymous

      I think you are going to have to put your foot down with your husband, and tell him you have to see your parents once during Christmas. He can choose Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or the day after/weekend after. I totally understand him not wanting to get together with them, but they are your parents and he is going to have to suck it up.

      • NYCer

        I agree. It is a completely reasonable compromise to have Christmas with just your nuclear family and do a separate gathering with your parents on Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas.

    • Anonymous

      See them for a walk outdoors on Christmas Day only. The pandemic should take priority over hurt feelings right now unless you live in one of the few remaining locations where the pandemic isn’t out of control. This can be your valid excuse for not doing a larger gathering.

      • Anon

        It sounds like the kid has been seeing her grandparents this whole time though so suddenly having a pandemic excuse will be fishy if they didn’t care before.

    • anon

      Frankly I think your husband needs to grow up a bit and not take things to personally. My husband and my father never really had much in common and my father also had somewhat of a difficult personality. They got along fine at gatherings and my husband never felt rejected by my father.

      It makes sense to have Christmas with just your nuclear family and do a separate gathering with your parents.

      Also, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It can be so stressful dealing with family at the holidays.

      If this is causing you so much stress, your husband needs to remove himself as a stressor. He needs to graciously spend time with your family and deal with his insecurities.

    • Cat

      I like your compromise in theory but – are your parents really going to drive 3 hours for Christmas Eve and then… not ask or expect to stay over (or you would feel guilty waving them off)?

      For all these reasons I would vote – invite them for the 26th or 27th. To support both of you in not wanting to engage in judgy or terse conversation, find something for the adults to “do” together rather than just have everyone plan to hang out (my least favorite activity is aimless conversation trapped in the house). Maybe you could pick a movie to watch as a group? A game to play?

    • Anonymous

      Nuclear family Christmas. You take your little one to visit the next day and have a meal at lunch time with them or leave 3pm, arrive 6pm have dinner, leave by noon the next day. Your little one has been ‘asking to visit grandma’s house and she grandma’s Christmas tree.’ Your DH ‘has to work, new job is unreasonable about holidays’.

      Possibly bring a kid focuses activity like a Christmas cookie decorating kit to provide kid focused activity to keep adults distracted.

      • No Face

        This is my thought as well. Your husband and your father don’t get along and last year sounded like a disaster. There’s no reason to force them to spend time together because it’s Christmas. Go visit your parents with your LO and enjoy yourselves. Your husband can enjoy time without them.

    • AnonMPH

      I’m confused why COVID is not a factor in this post or any of the comments. Are you all talking about doing this with 2 week quarantines by both households before eating indoors together and potentially staying in the same house? If not, of all years, you have a perfect excuse to say “everyone is staying with their own household for winter holidays this year, its too risky.” This has the benefit of being true, and also is the world’s easiest cop-out. More elected officials and public health officials by the day are coming out and begging people to cancel Thanksgiving. People will ignore them, so the current catastrophic spikes we are seeing will only be exponentially worse by Christmas. Blame the virus, talk to your husband about what his actual problem with Christmas last year was, and what he wants to do next year, and just skip this issue for 2020.

      • Anon

        I’d say everyone knows their situation. If either family is flitting about town with no mask on or socializing outside of their families there is an issue, but I see real problem with a family of three taking the exact same precautions as a family of two joining together for Christmas with no plans to change their pandemic-cautious behavior. Especially if they are even more cautious and stay masked the whole time – which I encourage for mother and kid since kid is in daycare and parents are older.

        • AnonMPH

          This just isn’t true.
          If you have one set of low-ish risk in one household, due to one universe of contacts/exposures, and a different set of low-ish risk in another household, due to another universe of contacts/exposures, when you combine them you are connecting those two universes of contacts/exposures. Even if both risk-sets are lowish, you are now adding low-ish + low-ish which is certainly higher than the risk for either household alone. This is the entire premise of all COVID limitations on gathering with people- when you see other people outside of your household now both households have increased their bubbles to include any contacts from the other household. Also this is moot, because their risk profiles are not the same- you rightly point out, the OP’s household actually has a higher level of risk given that the kid is in daycare.

          Additionally, you obviously can’t stay masked the whole time in a situation where the whole point of the day is a meal. And even masking isn’t going to protect everyone from an attendee with COVID if you are spending multiple hours indoors.

          I’m not saying no one can see anyone for the holidays at all (though that’s safest) but if everyone can’t quarantine/test beforehand, if you see people it had better just be for short periods of time, masked and outdoors. Which the OP was not including in her framing here.

      • Anon

        I may have read it wrong but it sounds like they have been seeing grandparents all along?

    • Anon

      If your observations are pretty accurate, you seem to have a good grasp on the issues at hand which seems like it boils down to lack of communication and stubborn personalities. In the long term, I think you need some couples therapy with your husband to help dig into his issues with your family how to mediate that relationship. I personally think he’s being unreasonable – he’s basically trying to alienate you and your daughter from your parents because he thinks your father doesn’t like him and/or has a cold personality (and you say it’s not personal your father is just like that)- that’s exceptionally childish. But none of us here know your situation. All people are multi-facted, he can be a great husband and still bullish and stubborn in immature ways.

      As a child of parents whose father hated the MIL side for no discernible reason, it made holidays miserable. Father always stayed home alone and stewed in his anger and, as a result, started getting mean and ugly about two weeks before every holiday. You see a compromise of personalities. The kid sees “grumpy Daddy who hates people that I love” and ends up souring the parent child relationship. Nip this in the bud before it grows to be a bigger problem.

      In the short term, I think it is fair to have a nuclear family Christmas Day or Christmas Eve and for either you and your daughter to visit the parents the following day or for your husband to join for a shorter visit (a few hours) the next day with a “suck it up” attitude. He’s an adult, he can keep his feelings to himself for a little bit.

      • Anonymous

        Hot take – the husband probably is like the dad. . . cold and standoffish. We repeat these patterns until we fix them.

    • Allie

      My in laws mean well but add a lot of stress to things. My SIL and BIL do nuclear only family Christmas and get together with the grandparents a few days before for gift exchange. Nuclear only family Christmas is reasonable.

      • Anonymous

        +1. This idea you need to force family events is counterproductive. Find something your husband will agree to do before or after Christmas, that doesn’t ruin nuclear family Christmas. In normal times we did a small tree trimming party to see some of our in laws in a low pressure setting and then hosted brunch in a restaurant before or after Christmas with another side of the family who can’t be relied on not to turn other events into a disaster.

        • Anonymous

          This is a great idea. Maybe you and kid can go visit your parents one weekend before Christmas and help decorate their tree.

      • Anonymous

        Both my husband and I actually like his parents, and we still do nuclear family only on Christmas Day. Too much stress otherwise.

    • SC

      It’s a problem that your husband has no interest in compromising. Unless there is some type of abusive situation, insisting on having some sort of holiday celebration proximate to the actual holiday is not putting your parents before your husband. Your husband is putting his own wishes over your understandable desire to have a relationship with your parents and for your daughter to have a relationship with her grandparents. Again, absent an abusive situation, a boundary of “we don’t see them at all for Christmas” is not a reasonable boundary for your husband to set.

      I have good relationships with my in-laws but have had to set boundaries around Christmas for our own reasons. Boundaries that have worked for us include picking a day other than the main holiday, setting a time limit, choosing a location (our house, their house, or neutral location, depending on circumstances), and not serving a meal (so scheduling at a non-meal time).

    • Anonymous

      Would it be possible for your parents to visit on Christmas Day, in the afternoon stay for dinner, and drive back the next morning taking your daughter to stay with them for a day or two. You could go to get her on your own and stay over. Then plan something to do on Christmas when they are visiting that would create a neutral space — like looking at pictures of you when you were young — fun for you, your child (depending on age) and gives them a chance to reminisce.

      Long term sounds like maybe your husband needs to join you in therapy.

      Any chance you could give him this thread to read to let him know you love him and are trying to make things work.

    • Anonymous

      I think I’d blame COVID and stay home until at least MLK Day. Maybe you can plan a fun gathering for President’s Day to give them something to look forward to?

      Alternatively, maybe you and DH can use some time for just the two of you? Does he object to shipping kiddo off to your parents for a few days? It might be fun to have NYE together.

    • anon

      Adding a different perspective. Grew up in a family where mom and MIL had a fraught relationship, generally not helped by a 5 hour drive through snow and ice for Christmas with fighting children being seperated by 20lb cat in an enormous carrier (this was all pre-forever-booster seats so cat-wall was critical to confining us). Turns out that the nuclear family Christmas made everyone realize how much they missed each other that year. So, I’m on board with nuclear family Christmas because it will (i) allow you breathing room to make your traditions and (ii) (potentially) give your husband breathing room to realize having grandma and grandpa around at the holidays is good.

    • Anon

      Maybe I’m the crazy one here but I think 3 hours is a really long drive just for a quick holiday visit. I wouldn’t want to drive 6 hours in the same day to go somewhere just for a meal. I’d rather make it a weekend trip outside the holiday, staying in a hotel, that I would beg off of this year due to pandemic.

    • Anon

      I think your husband’s behavior is not great – it’s unreasonable for him to claim that you’re choosing your parents over him. That’s not what the situation is. Also, why does he have to be BFF with your dad? Does he also not like your mom or is it some man thing? Is he maybe really upset if he’s not seeing his family for the holidays?

    • Anonymous

      1. We are in the midst of a pandemic. Stay home with your nuclear family for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
      2. Your parents live 3 hours away. I wouldn’t worry that your dad and DH aren’t buddies. How often do you really see them? As context, my mom lives 10 minutes away. She and DH have a cordial relationship, but that’s it. My dad and brother live 2 hours away. DH enjoys their company when they are here, which is rare, and doesn’t have any kind of relationship with them besides “family that comes over for major holidays.” They all drink beer and throw sportsballs and that’s that until the next holiday. I think you and/or DH have some hallmark ideal for your dad and DH being besties when in reality, as long as they aren’t actively hating eachother, what else do you really need??

    • Anon

      Am I missing the men’s version online? These sound great for DH, but I don’t see them in men’s sizes.

      • Ellen

        Ummmmm; that’s because these are WOMENS Boots! If your DH has small feet, for $19.99 you can get him a pair and he can try them on for size. Just see what the men’s equivalent are for the women’s boots and drag him into the store if you have to, since comparable MEN’s boots go for $79.99 or more.

  3. TTurkey Themed Gift Box

    Made the tough call not to gather with adult kids for Thanksgiving here in US this year. Ideas for a gift package to send them? They are dispersed throughout the US, so gift card to Whole Foods is possible but boring. I am not good at this! Any ideas? Not the usual suspects of candles, socks, etc – definitely want something Turkey themed.

    • Anon

      I assume you can search “thanksgiving gift box” so I won’t give those obvious answers.

      If you all drink a kind of drink, maybe get everyone a kit so you can toast together? Alcohol (Shaker and Spoon box), tea (Tea Forte), coffee, etc. If you have to build your own kit, just a cute mug/glass, fixin’s for a fancy drink, and maybe a fun coaster. Make the coaster or mug/glass turkey-esque and it’s Thanksgiving themed, or include some Thanksgiving cocktail napkins.

      You could also get an advent calendar for each family and then you have stuff to text/ call about all month long. Someone on here had the idea of a tea advent calendar, but you could also do one with jerky or fancy chocolate or ornaments or whatever. You can give an item in addition to the calendar that is turkey themed to kick it off – like turkey jerky or a turkey-shaped chocolate.

      Basically find something you can all do “together” and then tie it to Thanksgiving with an accessory that is turkey-themed.

    • Anonymous

      OP here. Thought this got lost in mod so posted again. Ignore double posting!

  4. Clementine

    Because of course. I put the majority of my work wardrobe away in a storage closet on Tuesday. Yesterday, we got an email about a slow rolling start to return in-person to work.

    (Note that it isn’t a great time to start that return what with local cases, but that’s what they’re gonna do!)

    • Anon

      That seems insane anywhere in the US right now. 150k new cases yesterday!! I hope they change their minds.

      • Anonymous

        I mean, it depends on the work space. Where I work, most people are in private offices and drive solo in cars to work.

        Our NYC and other big city center offices are WFH indefinitely due to people taking transit (so the concern is transit spread, not that being in our office would be the danger factor). It has a similar setup to my office.

        • Anon

          It’s still a big risk to have a bunch of people in the office even with private offices. Think of the hallways, the elevators, kitchen, bathroom, etc.

        • Anon

          My new hotspot city said yesterday that 30% of new cases were linked to the workplace and recommended WFH again. I am assuming most of these are office related because most restaurants and customer facing businesses have been open for months and not had issues. Our cases only started going up again when people started going back to offices. In my area, most people are good about wearing masks around people not from their office but are very lax about wearing masks in the office, then people go out to lunch together, etc. My office is like this, and I have opted to WFH again given our increasing case count.

        • Anonymous

          Our office is open for those who want to come in, but meetings are prohibited so they’re just zooming from their offices instead of from home. It would make zero sense to mandate that people come back in for that.

          • Anon

            That’s nice for people that don’t have an appropriate work from home space and have family at home too.

          • Anonymous

            Sure, the option can be nice, but we’re talking about MANDATING working in the office.

    • Anon

      My roommate and I are essential workers (different companies) and never worked from home until this week. I started mandatory wfh on Tuesday and she started yesterday.

      If even were now wfh, I can’t imagine why others are going back!

    • No Face

      This is an odd time to return to in-person work. I suspect that a version of “stay at home” or “safer at home” orders will be rolling out in various parts of the country.

  5. straightHair, CurlyHair

    Help me be a good Aunt. My niece, age 13, has super curly/kinky hair. The rest of the family has straight hair. She used to have lovely long hair, and in my opinion the loveliest, bounciest, ponytail, but she has been really struggling with feeling ugly and awkward lately, and I’ve heard her make some comments about how annoying her hair is. My mom and her mom both have very short hair, little patience for spending time on “frivolous” things like hair, and a habit of conveying that “pretty” and “smart” are opposites. Recently her mom (probably my mom/grandma’s “help”) cut her hair very short, with clipper. So she’s got a 2″ long blond afro. (Which could be awesome, but this is…not). I am a) rather furious with the adults for doing this – I really think being part of being the parent of a 13 year old is helping your child learn to groom and feel pretty, and I think they were just “short hair is easier – snip!” b) wondering if there’s some way I can help her develop a more positive image of her curls, and help her learn how to take care of them. I’m really not all that clear how she feels about all of this – I gather there’s a – “I’m so ugly, I’ll chop off my hair with clippers and then I’ll really be ugly” aspect to it. So…..there’s a lot there. But, any suggestions as her Aunt for stepping in to teach her how to love and take care of her curly hair? Would Curly Girl be appropriate for a girl her age? I don’t live nearby, but have often taken her shopping when I do come home, which she seems to like (and she generally wears the clothes we buy as her favorites, so, that’s something).

    • Anon

      She’s 13, it’s okay if she makes some questionable haircut choices. That’s what youth is for. I really don’t think it’s any of your business unless she comes to you for help. You might make her feel even worse by telling her she needs to take better care of her hair.

    • Abby

      yes! I’m in a CGM facebook group and many women join just for their daughters. I think 13 is old enough for her to manage her own styling process as well. If you join, you can post a photo of her hair (with her face blocked out) and ask for advice. I also recommend taking a “what kind of curls do I have” quiz to help pick out the products that will work best for her.

      • OP

        Thanks!! Yes, I think she’d enjoy taking a quiz like that – she’s super analytical:-)

        • Abby

          FYI, porosity is more important than the actual curl type, if she does the quiz. And to follow up after reading a lot of these other comments, I personally had no idea how to care for my hair when it changed from straight to frizzy & wavy. My mom sounds similar to your mom and her mom, where she didn’t want me wasting time of fixing my hair. So instead I really hated my hair and spent countless hours “fixing” it with heat tools until COVID hit and I decided to try CGM. Now I think my hair is one of my favorite things about myself and I only wish I learned how to care for them earlier (perhaps by a cool aunt!)

    • Ribena

      Oh I totally get this – I wrote about it in my weekly newsletter, how I had been given this message that pretty and smart were mutually exclusive, and I couldn’t figure out how other girls at my school had glossy smooth hair that ended in a straight line across their backs (heat styling and regular haircuts).

      In terms of the pretty/smart thing -Legally Blonde!! Other films that show amazing smart women looking good are The Devil Wears Prada and The Intern – and the BBC show The Hour is fantastic if she’s at all interested in broadcasting or 20th century history, but I’d wait til she’s coming up to 15 to recommend that as it’s a bit dark.

      In terms of the hair thing – a lazy curly girl can absolutely be appropriate. I’ll link in a comment a blog post someone I follow did on how she looks after her hair; my routine is almost identical (using the body shop banana shampoo and conditioner which aren’t ridiculously pricey or difficult to get hold of).

    • Anonymous

      Yikes–this is way overstepping. As the mom of a 13-year-old, I am very skeptical that the haircut was mom’s idea. It is not easy to get a 13-year-old to submit to something like that. If she had been complaining that her hair was annoying, it’s very likely that she requested the haircut. If it had been my kid I would have enforced a waiting period, then done it once I was sure that it wasn’t an impulsive decision. You need to back off and let this kid figure things out for herself.

      • OP

        Yeah, it’s possible it was her idea. But I think there’s a difference between “I want to cut my hair short” and “I want to shave off my hair because no one has bothered to teach me how to care for my curly hair, or take me to get it cut by someone who knows how to cut it, and everyone implies that only stupid people can about hair”? I don’t want to overstep. I think she’s beautiful no matter what. I still feel like this was more about adult laziness than her true desires, if that make sense, and I want, IF SHE’S INTERESTED, to be able to help her learn about options for her curly hair. Or, I’m just still bitter about the time my mom “convinced” me I wanted to cut my hair super short:-P Anyway, thanks for all the comments, and I’ll tread carefully.

        • Senior Attorney

          Your last sentence is important, I think. Sometimes it’s harder than seems reasonable to remember that this is her, not you, and it’s your sister, not your mom.

          Hugs. This stuff can be so fraught!

        • No Problem

          As someone with curly hair who cut it short voluntarily in about 4th grade (all the girls were doing it) and then when I hated it wasn’t *allowed* to grow it back out until late in 6th grade because my mom didn’t want to deal with it, please do talk to your niece about what she wants and help her advocate for herself. She is old enough to decide what to do and to take care of it, especially if she can get some guidance from professional sources. She may have wanted to cut it short, but I can guarantee that there is no way she wanted it cut by her mom using clippers and probably just went along with it if her mom was being domineering about it.

          If she’s open to it, I would do a few things: 1. help her find a stylist in her area who specializes in curly hair. I know Covid and all, but for her next haircut she really needs to see a professional. 2. look through some photos on the interwebs of women with curly hair like hers at different lengths, and have her identify what she likes. That’s the kind of thing she needs to show to a stylist. If the style she wants is longer than her current cut, they need to talk about how to cut it so that it grows out nicely. 3. support her in finding the right products and styling techniques for her hair texture. A stylist may be able to help as well. 4. purchase products for her if her mom isn’t willing to shell out. Curly hair requires products! People with straight hair often just don’t get that. If you have to couch it as an xmas/birthday/whatever gift, so be it. Again, this is all if she’s open to your support. Ironically, after my mom refused to let me wear my hair how I wanted it she intervened for one of my cousins when she was a teenager to get her a proper haircut and very slight brow wax (brow wax was at cousin’s request) because my aunt wasn’t doing it. My cousin was quite grateful, and I think it did give her some confidence about her appearance that she didn’t have before that.

          This is all about her having a haircut that works for her hair type and style that she is able to maintain. With all the resources available out there, I’m sure you’ll be able to help her get to a place where she’s happy with it.

      • Anon

        I had a terrible haircut forced on me by my mother a month after my 13th birthday. (Yes, I still remember, a quarter century later.)

        She wanted me to make me a mini-her, and it was the wrong haircut for me. It was high maintenance (chin length, so it need to be styled with mousse or it looked terrible, couldn’t be pulled back for sports) and did not fit my face shape.

        I swear, people are threatened by big hair, and I don’t just mean Afros.

    • Anonie

      Ah I feel so much for this little girl! Whether or not she has social media yet, could you chat with her and show her pictures of some curly-headed influencers on social media? One that comes to mind is India Batson Martinez. I actually don’t follow her, but she has a pretty big following and I don’t *believe* she posts anything age-inappropriate (double-check that, of course). She has gorgeous, super-curly blond hair. Randomly: I only heard of her because she also had a wedding affected by Covid and was posting about it in a social media group I belong to haha.

      Does your niece like to read? Anne of Green Gables, with her bright red hair, is the quintessential girl with trademark hair she starts out wanting to change. As a biracial girl with lots of wavy black hair, I strangely related to Anne growing up and loved her so much.

      A doll with curly blond hair could also be useful, but I know many (probably most) 13-year-olds are much too “grown up” for dolls. You know your niece, so toss that suggestion if it won’t be applicable :)

      An at-home “spa day” with hair conditioners would also be a fun activity when you visit her next. You can watch YouTube videos about curly hair care as part of it.

      I’m so glad this little girl has such a caring aunt!

      • Anon

        I may be confusing actresses but didn’t Kiera Knightly have a short curly do for awhile? I think the actress that played Felicity did too.

      • OP

        Thank you!!! I LOVED Anne, as well:-) I love the idea of finding some good curly-headed women to show her. Help direct her to some examples of gorgeous curls on awesome women:-)

      • Anon

        Harling Ross who wrote for Man Repeller has hair similar to that. She might have also written about it for MR.

    • Flats Only

      I wonder if you shouldn’t butt out unless she really comes to you specifically asking for help. It’s one thing to get an unfortunate hair cut (and having had long hair she would have had no idea that cutting curly hair that short would change what it needed to be styled cutely), and perhaps regret it, and another thing entirely to have one’s aunt swoop in and act like it’s the end of the world and post your picture on the internet asking for advice for what she perceives as a terrible situation. Ugh. That would have made me so uncomfortable. At 13 she is perfectly capable of googling for hair styling advice if she needs it. If you see her over the holidays say something positive about the hair cut to make her feel good. You may find that she likes it short, and now feels free of a burden of dealing with long hair that needed lots of attention.

    • Anonymous

      Wow. As an aunt, your role is not to judge your niece’s choices or your sister’s parenting, but to support your niece in age-appropriate independent decision-making. Did your niece tell you she regrets the haircut? If so, you could point her towards the Curly Girl resources. If not, keep your opinions to yourself.

    • anon

      Butt out unless she specifically asks for your help! You are inviting so much awkwardness and hurt feelings from your niece and sister. You may not like how your sister parents, but that’s also none of your business.

      • Curious

        Just to add a counterpoint: I wouldn’t have known to ask my aunts, but honestly I would have loved their support at 13. My mom is soooo low maintenance and basically only ever taught me the basics of washing hair and wearing jeans and sneakers. Not anything direct about my hair (I was sensitive about it!), but the offer of a spa day or a makeup day or styling would have been so nice.

          • Anonymous

            I came here to say the exact same thing!

            I actually have some practical advice for having short curly hair. I lost my hair due to chemo, and while it was wavy before, it grew in like 10x as curly. I followed a modified curly girl method – wash/condition 2x a week with CG approved shampoo. I wet my hair every day to restyle because plopping wasn’t an option, and occasionally re-conditioned in between washes. I use gel (always use like 2x the amount you think you’ll need) for styling. I found using a diffuser, even with short hair, really made a difference in curl definition/just making sure my hair laid properly.

            I also wear a ton of cute headbands and hair clips – they are currently in style again so you can get some stylish ones inexpensively. It might be nice to frame her haircut as a positive thing and give her some cute hair accessories to “celebrate” her new haircut, rather than commiserating with her over it.

            Check out pinterest for inspiration on different ways to style short curly hair – it can be very cute!

        • eertmeert

          So much this! My mom sounds just like OP’s neice’s mom.
          In my case, my mom is totally wash and go, with an aversion to anything femme. She is a super tomboy, with perfect skin that never breaks out. My skin started breaking out at 11, and I always felt super ugly – was even called the ugly girl in middle school. And my mom was zero help with any of it. I taught myself to shave my legs and discovered on my own, semi traumatically, how pads are different from pantyliners.
          I would have LOVED some assistance with grooming.

          I am 40 now and just getting a handle on my skin care. After decades of figuring out what products work best.

          My suggestion would be to share with your niece something about yourself that takes some managing. For me, I would say, “Check out this photo of my at your age! Man, that was a weird time for me. I loved hanging out with my friends and afterschool I took this cool ceramics class. But I wish I had help with my skin when I was in middle school. I was so self conscious about it! We also didn’t have the internet and my mom didn’t know how to help, so I kind of suffered through it.”
          Then see if she takes the bait. It might open up a conversation.

          Also, Julia Garner, who plays Ruth on Ozark has short, blonde, curly hair. And she is super cool. Here she is on the Strategist talking about her hair care, among other favorite things.
          https://nymag.com/strategist/article/julia-garner-favorite-things.html

          • Curious

            Omg yes +1 to shaving. Luckily my mom was good on pads, but I definitely stole her razor after the most traumatizing day of middle school ever when I looked down and realized the cool kids I was doing a project with were all staring at my hairy legs. Ugh. Seriously. Tell me sooner, Mom!

    • Anon

      In addition to backing off, I would also do some thinking about why you think short hair isn’t pretty.

      • Anon

        I don’t think this is necessary, this isn’t about a “short hair isn’t pretty”, you seem to be projecting.
        It’s about worrying about a 13 yr old’s self esteem when her mom buzzes off long hair into a short unstyled fro with no idea how to style it. I’m not sure what pocket of wokeness you live in, but in the real world a teen buzzing off their hair after years of hearing how ugly it is a call for help. Especially in a world that up until recently has considered curly hair unruly, unprofessional, and something to be tamed. Context is important and your issues with short hair aren’t relevant. The hair type, nonsupportive envirnment, and drastic action is what’s relevant. I don’t think aunt has a place to do anything, but it’s normal to be concerned.
        Signed, a woman with kinky curly hair who spent the first 25 yrs of life learning how to accept it and style it. I feel for this girl so hard.

        • OP

          Thank you! You articulated much better than I could what concerns me about all of this. I love her, and I’m worried about her. It’s not about the length of hair, it’s about everything else. And it sucks to be so far away.

          • Anonymous

            No. Just tell her she’s beautiful not that she needs to meet your requirements for what that is.

          • Anon

            OP, I get where you’re coming from, and I’m surprised at some of the harsh responses you’re getting here. It sounds to me as though you’re navigating this very carefully.

    • anon a mouse

      I really feel for your niece. My hair went curly/frizzy at 13 — not uncommon, as puberty hormones can change your hair texture. She probably needs something for the curls to help tame the frizz — a serum or a gel might work. Curly Girl would have some resources. (And look at Julia Garner for short blond curly inspiration.) But what she needs most is to hear that she is beautiful, and that you love her.

      • OP

        Julia Garner is a perfect inspiration! Hers was very similar (or used to be? It might be curlier now?). These short haircuts are fantastic. Thanks – I want to be prepared to pull out these examples if she indicates she’d like that.

      • kk

        Yes! Mine also got curly around 13, and I also internalized the conversation that pretty/smart were opposites. I have an aunt who helped – she took me back to school shopping for two great new outfits each year, and we had a sleepover where she gently showed me how to use some of the new makeup in ways that were for everyday, not just special event makeup. Once, at a wedding, I got to get ready with her and her sister- this was a really great way for me to watch them unapologetically making themselves feel beautiful, and gave me cues on what was normal for grown ups in my life- as opposed to what I read in magazines.

        When it’s safe, I’m sure she’d love a sleepover with you!

    • anon

      I would do it in a fun casual kind of way, like maybe take her to a salon for haircut and pedis or something like that (girls day). But I don’t think it’s a bad idea – my SIL often complains about how her curly-ish hair was a nightmare until she went to a salon and they explained she was caring for it all wrong. DD has similar hair, so I’m glad her aunt can teach her things :).

      • Seventh Sister

        If you can hang out and do some “beauty stuff” that might be really nice for your niece. My daughter is a similar age and about 100 times more likely to listen to somebody who is not Mom about stuff like hair care, nails, etc. For example, my daughter wouldn’t use the shampoo I bought her (preferring the little kids’ stuff we keep for her brother) but when my mom sent something fancy-ish from Aveda – boom! She used it every day. No more greasy-looking locks.

        As for the big haircut, I find it hard to imagine that a kid that age wouldn’t be on board with it. My kid won’t even let me trim her bangs.

        As an aside, it’s so interesting to me that 30+ years from my own adolescence, very long hair is such a femininity marker for tweens and teens. I can think of one girl in my kid’s friend circle who doesn’t have at least shoulder-length hair. Growing up in the 80s, celebrities like Princess Diana, Dorothy Hamill, Liza Minelli, etc. weren’t perceived as unfeminine because they didn’t have super long hair.

  6. Ellen

    Yay Elizabeth! Happy Fruegel Friday! I love your taste and style! We both think the same thing when it comes to when we wear tight jeans–make sure to also wear a long blazer (i.e. what you call a Boyfriend Blazer). I have worn longer blazers (and sweaters) for YEARS b/c of my larger tuchus, which may be heridatary, but I am sure all of us tend to have larger tuchii as we get older. While some men love us b/c of our tuchus, others prefer women with flat tuchii and larger boobies. I am large on both counts and this means large, long blazers.

    The only caveat is that you don’t want to have sleeves that are to long, b/c then it looks like you are 6 years old wearing your father’s blazer. It must be tailored so that it does not look like a tent on us.

  7. Rain pants + coats, part II

    I went down a rabbit hole on rain gear yesterday. For every item not ~250, it seems that one review mentioned a person getting totally soaked in something billed as waterproof (and yet all other ratings were 5 stars). North of $250, items seemed to all use Gore-Tex, south of that, some other brand of waterproof fabric.

    Questions: is the getting soaked likely user error? I live somewhere pretty rainy and yesterday it stormed (we had people rescued from racing flood waters). I get that tropical storm remnants are rare, but heavy rain here is not. And while most gear is returnable if it fails the waterproof label, I’d rather not learn the hard way (I’d also rather not spend $$$ to get outfitted).

    We have one REI 20% off coupon and some LL Bean rewards points to juggle — spouse says to get a nice jacket for me (size is pretty static and would get a M jacket as it would fit over things and not otherwise be obnoxiously large). But kiddo is the one more likely to be out with the scouts and wet/miserable.

    Had the “I got soaked” reviews not been there, I’d have ordered the less expensive stuff already. And other than throwing a kid into the shower with stuff on, I guess you can’t really road test it (or maybe this is how you do it?).

    • Anonymous

      This is honestly too much fuss over a rain coat. Buy something from a normal store like REI or LLBean or something and move on. No. No one gets in the shower fully clothed to test this.

        • PolyD

          One thing to keep in mind is that it seems the rain in the PNW can be a lot gentler than rain elsewhere. Here in DC we get what are basically monsoons from time to time in the summer – if you are out in it, you WILL look like you got into the shower fully clothed!

          And most of the time when it rains like that, it’s way too hot to wear a raincoat or rain pants, so you just wait it out, or try to use an umbrella roll and deal with getting soaked. This is when skirts and sandals are nice, because at least you don’t have soaked pants clinging to you.

    • Anonymous

      Just buy from REI. You can return it up to a year later. Don’t overthink this!

    • Anon

      As someone who spent years living in one of those places where people got rescued from flash floods yesterday, it is just WAY too hot there to even think about being able to wear serious rain gear for at least half the year. You’ll end up wetter on the inside than on the outside! It is true that some of the getting wet is user error- when it’s raining hard, rain comes in the neck and down the sleeves, which is more of a problem if you’re active and if it’s hot and you don’t have it zipped up completely. On the earlier posts, I was one of those people who said I almost never wear rain pants because if it’s raining it’s too warm for them, I think that goes double if you live in the Carolinas. It really just depends on how much time you’re going to be outside without being very active or able to change after. As for rain jackets, get a really good one if you’re in a stable size. It will be less prone to overheating, more comfortable, and last longer. Definitely get a lightweight one, though, and you can layer a fleece under when it’s cold.

    • Anonymous

      All my rain gear is either REI Goretex or Arc’teryx. Would not recommend the latter for kids – too expensive to replace as sizes change.

    • anonyK

      My kid has a rain suit from amz- brand is celavi I think. It works pretty well. However, for my kid (age 5) nothing is rain proof because he like sits down in puddles and all that. The rain suits have pants that go over the boots so they do stop water from coming in the top of boots. I wouldn’t spend $250 on gear for kids. For you, it’s just going to be trial and error. I have a raincoat (not expensive) that is really more rain repellant than rain proof and it annoys me. Going to be shopping for a new one myself…

    • Anonymous

      Goretex for the win. In my experience, it is the only ”waterproof” material that is waterproof.

    • Anonymous

      I dislike unlined raingear as that can feel wet if it gets clingy against bare skin even though it hasn’t actually leaked. We’re outdoors a LOT and kids coats from the North Face, Columbia, and Eddie Bauer have all been waterproof. Make sure it is described as ‘waterproof’ not just ‘water resistant’.

      I like the North Face warm storm jacket. Great on it’s own in the spring/fall, buy it big enough to layer a fleece under for cooler days. For serious winter snowstorms I like the Helly Hansen one piece suits.

    • Curious

      My raincoats are columbia. My rain pants are columbia. They keep me very dry and the waterproofing has lasted (though you so supposedly eventually have to re apply). Newest rain coat was $150 on sale at Columbia (I got a fancy one because we’re in Seattle and rain coats are winter coats). Rain pants were $40 on Amazon.

    • Anon

      If you sweat a lot, you’re going to feel wet but it’s not going to be from the rain.

    • Anon

      You can return it if you don’t like it. I have REI brand rain pants and they’re fine, never got wet.

    • Friday

      I thought about posting this yesterday but didn’t. I have some size small (4-6) TNF rain pants that I will ship you for free if you post a burner email. Use your coupon to buy a jacket. I like my Marmot precip: I live in the jungle where it monsoons occasionally.

  8. Anon

    Looking for a recommendation in Arlington, MA that will deliver a bottle of champagne for a friend’s milestone birthday.

    A poor substitute for the visit we had planned but it will have to do during the pandemic :)

    Preference to a place where I can arrange the delivery online as I’m not local. TIA!

    • Anon

      Urban Grape, in Boston’s South End, is fabulous and communicates by text or email if you want a recommendation (or you can order online). I believe they deliver to surrounding areas.

    • anon

      Hi, I used to live in Arlington. There aren’t many liquor stores in Arlington itself because it used to be a dry town and is very stingy with liquor licenses. One of the few is Menotomy Beer & Wine. Not sure if they’ll deliver, but it could be worth a call. Otherwise, I suggest Drizly for general alcohol delivery if you don’t have a particular shop to call, or look for wine shops in Medford/Somerville or the other nearby towns. I believe Downtown Wine in Somerville delivers and isn’t far from Arlington, but it might depend on your recipient’s address whether it’s in their zone or not.

    • Anon

      I love Urban Grape so much that I checked to see their delivery area – they do local delivery to Arlington!

  9. Pitch perfect

    I have been trying to pitch work to various potential clients and eased up when I was WFH in a small open-concept space with a spouse on calls 8 hours a day. Now that we’re in a house, I can reach out by calls with more predictability and not just e-mails.

    But I can’t have the hook I used to use: I will be in your city on X day and would love to have lunch or grab coffee, which would usually result in a response, if not a meeting where I’d get some interrupted time.

    Any advice on marketing (these are sort of known people vs truly cold calls, trying to maintain the relationship for when they have work to send me) in these times? How do you get your e-mails read (and I could call and leave a message, but most contacts are WFH now and their phones don’t forward or they heavily screen, which I do myself). Work e-mail? Linked in?

    • Anon

      Are you an attorney? Can you send them something you think would be helpful? Like hey, I just wrote this blog post on essential workers and COVID-19. I’m guessing your business is dealing with these issues and might like this guidance. If I can be of further assistance, please let me know.

    • Ellen

      What I do, as an attorney, is call first, then show up with a box of cookies in hand. It works all the time, as the cookies must come from a fancy local bakery and be GOOD. No cheap stuff from the supermarket. Once they start eating my cookies, I generally get the busness.

  10. Anon

    I really enjoy the irony listening to songs from my youth about not growing up / confirming / selling out while I’m working. What are your favorite songs that fit into this category?

    Mine is The Anthem by Good Charlotte.

    • Anonymous

      I like to think I never sold out as a hippy environmentalist. Though my job would absolutely be looked down upon by most on this board.

      For song recs basically anything anti-flag fits that bill.

      • Anon

        Yeah my coworker and I were just talking about this! Our govt jobs are half desk jobs half field jobs so we think our younger selves would be okay with it since we aren’t totally bound to our desks. That being said, today all I’m doing is making PowerPoints and it’s soul crushing, so I’m whipping out all of my 90s/00s punk/alt favorites.

        I’ll never have the money or the prestige of most on this board but I also never wear a blazer :)

      • Ribena

        People at work think I’m a hippy anarchist (I ONCE said I thought XR occupying another firm’s office was quite a cool way to protest, everyone around me acted as if I were endorsing something horribly violent) and actual activists think I’m a sellout. I’m fine with that…

      • Anon

        When Broadway opens you MUST see the musical, which is hopefully not dead forever. It was astounding.

      • Monday

        Interesting. I think they have very mixed feelings about the stature they achieved, as discussed in “86” which is about the sadness of being perceived as a sellout. I think they feel scorned by the California punk scene from which they came.

        More to the point, “Welcome to Paradise” or “Burnout” from before this happened!

      • OP

        Even if Green Day feels like they sold out, they’re one of my go to “sticking it to the man” bands

      • Thanks, it has pockets!

        Even if Green Day feels like they sold out, they’re one of my go to “sticking it to the man” bands

    • Monday

      The Straight Life by Mudhoney. It’s very direct. If you’ve never heard of Mudhoney, that helps prove the point!

    • Carol

      Wow I did not get what this song was about when I listened to it as a kid but now I just re listened and I completely get it.

      I don’t know if this board would completely approve or think highly of my job (but the ask a manager writer would). I think my younger self would be confused about the day to day work but love the industry.

    • AFT

      90s Girl Power! on Spotify is a great list of the angry teen girl music of my youth. Alanis, Hole, Garbage, etc.

    • Anon

      I loved this stuff and still listen to it while I sit in my home office working in accounting and helping my kids through virtual school. My Spotify playlist is actually called I’m a Sellout Baby. It includes:

      Lots of 90s punk rock/ alternative – My Chemical Romance, Green Day, The Ramones, early Fall Out Boy, Garbage, early No Doubt, Sublime, Offspring, Nine Inch Nails, Smashing Pumpkins, etc

      Obvious songs – Parents Just Don’t Understand, Fight for your Right and Sabotage, Anarchy in the UK, Criminal, Du Hast, I’m a Loser, We’re Not Gonna Take It, and yes The Anthem

        • Anon

          As a member of the Oregon Trail Generation, I was the QUEEN of mix tapes and burned CDs. The amount of time I spent picking the perfect Sharpie color is a little embarrassing, but today I’m the best playlist-namer around!

      • Anonymous

        That is an excellent playlist! I would add some Rage Against the Machine!

        • Alanna of Trebond

          I agree. I’ve thought of adding a poster that says “F* you I won’t do what you tell me” to my office but I think it might not be perceived the right way. (Or even, it would be perceived the right way….).

    • Walnut

      Not exactly on point, but let me set the stage of a late afternoon Friday afternoon call a few weeks back. A few people were rambling on about whether or not we could or couldn’t do something and I had pretty much written the issue off as “not a big deal, let’s just move on.” So I’m waiting for the call to just freaking end when You’re Gonna Go Far Kid from the Offspring is the next song up. It was so hard to keep a straight face on video when all I really wanted to do was belt out the lyrics and sing along.

  11. Anonymous

    For the poster yesterday looking for affordable Christmas decor – Big Lots has cute stuff if there’s one near you! I was in yesterday and was impressed.

  12. Anon

    so I need an actual human to help me with my taxes this year. How does one go about finding someone to do this? I have googled and read the advice, but I’m missing practical advice on how to find an actual accountant (google has millions, difficult to sift through and many look scammy). I know personal recommendations are good but I’ve asked around and none of my friends use an accountant or use their parents from back home, etc. If anyone has someone they use for NY taxes I would appreciate it!

    • Anonie

      I don’t live in NY but wanted to say: don’t feel like you are limited to asking actual close friends for suggestions. In situations like these, I’ve gotten the best recommendations for maintenance people/car dealerships/body shops/doctors/whatever from coworkers and acquaintances.

      I could be wrong, but I am guessing you are in your 20s if most of your friends are still using their parents’ accountants. I just turned 30 and am only just now starting to find that my same-age friends have decent “rolodexes” (is that the proper plural of rolodex ha?) of resources when I need a professional. What got me through my 20s was asking my coworkers 10+ years older than me for the names of the professionals and brands they had trusted for years. It’s also a good way to build closer relationships with coworkers.

      Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      Daniela Menache who runs Beam Accounting. Responsive, smart, reasonably priced. Daniela at beamaccounting dot com. If you want more info about her, send along an email and we can chat.

    • BB

      Jumping on this with a bit of a related TJ…would it be weird at all for me to ask the real estate lawyer that helped us buy our home for recs? (Knowing there’s a bunch of lawyers on here.) She was super on top of things and good about sharing info, so I would hope she’d do business with accountants who are similar?

    • Anonymous

      I’ve used Abby Eisenkraft for years and really like her. She’s good and she’s down to earth.

    • Anan

      Do you have any local listservs? I found my tax guy on my alumni listserv for my city. I’ve also asked on my local professional listserv because I knew I could find a someone there who was familiar with my situation (freelance artist who travels a lot). Also- don’t be dissuaded by a person not being local- we usually mail our documents to our tax guy and he emails the finished paperwork back to us. We chat by phone if he has questions. We haven’t seen him in person for the last few years.

    • Ellen

      You can call the NY State Bar Association b/c they have lists of lawyers who have accounting CPA degrees who they can recommend. Or the local AICPA office can direct you, depending on how complex your issues are. Personally, I use my Dad, but he does not do other peeople’s tax returns (tho he could). Depending on where you are, Dad says to use the AICPA website, putting in what you need a CPA for:

      https://account.aicpa.org/eWeb/dynamicpage.aspx?webcode=referralwebsearch

      My dad is so smart; I wish I knew what he knows, but he does not know what I know. Have a look and that should narrow it to REAL certified CPAs, not the schlubs that are out there doing taxes that don’t know more then me or my Alan, who never even got his CPA. What a schmuck he was!

    • Alanna of Trebond

      We have used Raymond Tse (link in reply). He is great and helped us for complicated personal taxes and was very reasonable. No longer needed since now my taxes are done by my work.

  13. Anon

    I just have to share this somewhere. My firm is hiring and I went on LinkedIn to post about it. I saw an ad for a job that sounded intriguing. I fixed up my resume and went to apply the next day but the job was gone. Given I had done the resume work, I figured I might as well apply somewhere so I threw my hat in the ring on a reach in-house job – and got contacted for an interview the next day!

    The jobs a little beyond easy commuting distance (would be over an hour) but I suspect it is at least partly remote. I wouldn’t mind commuting a couple of days per week if I could work at home the others.

    Leaving my current job would be really difficult as I have a high case load and we are understaffed so it would be hard to transition my cases to the other attorneys. But, I’ve always considered a move to in-house and employment law is my niche. This could be a huge raise too. I wasn’t expecting anything to come of this but now I’m really excited for the opportunity.

    Now that I’m 10+ years into my career, I wish places would just be up front about the pay range for a position. No need to waste everyone’s time. Though I also understand the range may be flexible for the right person. Is the advice still that it is uncouth to ask about a salary range in a first interview when it is question time. How about the partial remote option? (The ad didn’t mention remote but their website says they let many of their corporate employees work remote.) I feel like an interview is meant to be two-way but we are only supposed to ask about things like the structure of the department or something innocuous in a first interview.

    It’s been many years since I’ve interviewed and I will do my research but I’m also open to any tips anyone wants to throw my way. I have reasons why I’m passionate about the organization and its mission, why I want to move in-house (answers that benefit the company not me), examples of my experience… I’m spending time on linked in and the company website learning what I can.

    • The Original ...

      YAY for you for reaching and for succeeding!!

      Maybe you could go the covid angle? Ask about working remotely during covid and ask if this may be possible to do indefinitely? No advice on salary questioning but commiseration, I think it’s ridiculous that this is still standard, it just seems such a potential waste of everyone’s time and energy.

    • Anonymous

      I have asked in first interviews (although known parties like competitors) before to no ill effect. The pitch I make is that I don’t want to waste THEIR time if our expectations on compensation are wildly divergent. It seems to go over well enough to pin them down some on range. I usually share my comp package as part of this if they ask, but I’m paid above the usual ranges for competitors and I suspect they know that I’m taking a pay cut if I move forward.

    • cbackson

      My company does not list salary ranges in the ad, which I HATE (but they are unwilling to change it). I am absolutely comfortable with being asked in the first interview. Just be prepared that many in-house jobs structure comp very differently than firms do, so you’ll want to make sure the answer you get covers all-in comp rather than just base salary. Most of my in-house friends get a base salary plus long-term and short-term incentive comp, and those incentive comp awards are close to 50% of our base. So all-in comp is much higher than the base salary.

    • In-House in Houston

      There are a lot of in-house attorneys on this site, so maybe you can give more info about the company and get an idea of the range here? I do Labor & Employment in Texas. I wouldn’t ask about salary range this early – but they might bring it up? Who knows? I think asking about remote work isn’t a bad thing to do in light of COVID. I would even think they’d bring it up, or you could ask “how has the company handled COVID this year?” without straight out asking if you can work remote a few days a week. Good luck!

      • Anon

        Publicly traded international company. Approximately 30,000 employees. HQ in Mass. Education/childcare/healthcare focused.

        • anonnnn

          I work for a publicly traded international company with 80k employees. HQ in the mid-atlantic. I am 12 years out of law school, but have one year as in-house counsel. I am in a LCOL area. Salary is $130k plus a 15% bonus payout, which is based on a combination of business performance and personal performance. This put me at ~$180k total compensation last year (salary + bonus + benefits).

          • anonnnn

            I should add for a point of reference that in the 12 years since law school, approximately 6 were spent as a practicing attorney and the remainder were spent doing law-adjacent things.

    • The original Scarlett

      At a certain point in your career, you can absolutely ask those things before going deep in the process. I’ve always just had that conversation with the recruiter (if the company is large enough, that’s likely your first interview anyway). Flexibility and salary are normal questions to ask. And in the hiring side, which I am now, I’d be 100% fine with having that conversation up front (I actually usually just have HR talk to the candidates about salary to make sure they’re comfortable with the range before proceeding, and flexibility varies by position and manager so I think that’s better for when you’re talking to the hiring manager, although HR can give you the company perspective).

      • Ellen

        I would not hesitate to ask, and know your floor, but don’t tell them. That way, if they are below the floor, you can just say thanks, but no thanks. If they don’t want to up it, it’s sayonara. If they do, then you can tell them what your upper midpoint amount is and see if they bite. If they do, go for it, since you will not work nearly as hard in-house and you can do yoga at your desk. Just be carful your boss or some other schmoe in the office is not a dirtbag who just wants to ooogle you. With the pandemic, this will not be easy, but you can ask, telling them that you are concerned that you dont want to be ooogeled at work once you are all back.

    • anon

      I am an in-house employment lawyer and when I moved from a firm to my current job, the in-house recruiter who did my initial screening phone interview addressed the salary band right away because they wanted to make sure I understood it would be a drop from where I was as a BigLaw senior associate. I think that’s the kind of thing the HR/ recruiting team is best suited to handle. Don’t mention it in an early interview with a potential boss.

      On the remote issue, I’d try to get at it sideways. Ask about the department composition, how people work together, and whether/how Covid has changed things–that should trigger useful info.

    • AFT

      Hi! I was recently in a similar boat – now a few years into an in-house employment gig after 10+ years at firms. Definitely try to ask early on. There’s a wide range of compensation for in-house roles, so it often came up during the screening/recruiter call when I was interviewing. My experience in the Chicago area is that in-house employment roles that require 5+ years of experience tend to pay in the 130-170K salary, plus 10-30% bonus, range.
      Don’t stress about leaving – trust me, the firm will consider you replaceable no matter how reliable and crucial you are to them now :/

    • Walnut

      I asked about salary at the end of the phone screen of my current job. I just indicated that I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time if the salary range wasn’t X-Y and kept it pretty wide open. The response was, “No worries, the salary range is worth your time.” I was also 10+ years in and wasn’t desperate for a new job, so your mileage my vary.

    • MJ

      There are in-house salary guides. Some are better than others:
      BarkerGilmore
      Robert Half
      Goinhouse.com (and they have a great interview guide)
      LawyerWhisperer
      Special Counsel (not the best)

  14. Sizing

    I am considering this blazer, but have never ordered from here. What is the fit and sizing like?

  15. Comfort for Video Calls

    I am looking for “polished,” nice looking soft loungewear that can be worn on a Zoom call. Does such a unicorn exist?

      • anon

        Ehh, I have it and my husband said it’s looks like Jedi wear… and now I can’t unsee it. At least learn from me and stay away from the light gray color.

    • Anonymous

      I buy the Cuyana Pima lounge separates. They’re so soft and I love them! I think they’re overpriced for what they are, but in this WFH life, I don’t care. I might just go buy myself a couple more sets this weekend.

      • Anon

        Ooh, those look great. Which ones do you have? How is the sizing?

        The button-down shirt looks like it could work for Zoom or pajamas!

        • Anonymous

          I have the tapered pants, the drape back top, the shorts and the tank. The button down is new – I am considering buying it for pajamas but I like the drape back one a lot for a shirt that bridges the gap. The fabric is soft, so I think the button down would look way more like pajamas than a work button down, whereas the boatneck of the other tops looks quite elegant and like a normal shirt. I am a 12 – I buy the large in tops and XL on bottoms because I like my loungewear pants to be looser. I could have done a large in each (and when I was more of a 14, the XL was definitely more comfortable for bottoms).

    • kk

      I wear zella leggings and a free people ottoman sweater frequently in the winter- I can put on tall riding boots with it to run to the store quickly, and the wide funnel of the sweater is polished enough for zoom.

  16. Anon

    My small dog nipped my finger tip on Tuesday (my own fault). It isn’t deep enough to need obvious stitches but it’s got a slice (looks like a deep paper cut) and it’s all bruised around it. How long does it take this sort of thing to heal? Should I just neosporin and bandaid it or skin glue? No health insurance plus covid means no clinic for me if possible. Not being able to type on it is a big issue and hoping to heal it asap!

    • Anonymous

      Can you afford the cost of an urgent care visit? Infected animal bites are bad news.

      • anon

        Yeah, if it starts to get red or swollen you will need antibiotics. Maybe cat bits are worse. One of mine got excited when I was giving him treats and his tooth broke the skin near my thumbnail. By that night, it started throbbing and getting red.

      • Anon

        Look for an urgent care in a low-income area. I was shocked the price difference. My work involves reviewing medical bills so I know how expensive UC can be. I ended up having to go to one in a low income area and they had a rather affordable flat rate option for the visit for the uninsured. I think it was $80? I know that’s not affordable for a lot of people but cheaper than the usual $500 UC visit.

        • cbackson

          Whoa, where do you live that UC is $500? A standard visit to the one I use in ATL is $150 without insurance (I use UC rather than a PCP because it’s easier to get appointments, so I actually go there a lot). I needed stitches once and it was $200. I have no idea what is standard, though, so maybe that’s unusually cheap.

          • Anon

            where you are it’s unusually cheap, but you also may have been to a center not billed as an urgent care. any i’ve been to the uninsured office visit rate was 150, and that was without any treatment. an office visit and stitches could be be 250 alone, not to mention the cost of antibiotics.

          • anonnnn

            I paid ~$500 for UC to get stitches last year in my LCOL. That’s under a high deductible plan, so I would expect it to be around that amount uninsured, but I can’t be 100% sure.

          • Anonymous

            With my high deductible plan, you get the benefit of the negotiated rates. Even if you haven’t met the deductible, the charges are much less than they would be if you had no insurance, unless the place has special rates for the uninsured.

          • Anon

            When I said $500 I was including treatment. So visit, x-ray, stitches, blood work, some combination of the above. It’s usually more than just seeing a doc or NP.

    • Anonymous

      Is your tetanus shot up to date? If you don’t know, I’d get one ASAP. Often $25 at CVS or Walgreens.

    • Anonymous

      Whenever I’ve had similar injuries (way too often renovating a house with sharp objects) they usually take a solid 10 days to heal. However I’m so sad for you and the US as a whole that people can’t seek medical care as needed.

    • anonyK

      I would strongly consider an urgent care visit. You usually want antibiotics for an animal bite because there are a lot of nasties in their mouths. You can keep an eye on it at home if you want, but if it isn’t getting better and you have any infection signs (it feels warm and red, you have fever, it continues to hurt after a few days), I would have low threshold to go see someone. You will have to pay for the urgent care visit of course. Tell them you don’t have insurance- there are a lot of abx options and they can give you a cheaper one (many are quite cheap).

    • Anon

      You should get it looked at, the naturally-occurring germs in dog mouths can seriously mess you up.

      Also note that when you tell them it’s from your dog, they will likely file a report with the state, and you may get someone calling your home to nag you to get rabies and tetanus shots. Happened to me.

    • Anonymous

      If you are having trouble keeping it covered, I recommend bandages/gauze wrapped in athletic tape. This might help you type sooner, too.

    • Anon

      When I had something similar, I taped a pencil to the finger with eraser end a bit past the tip. That allowed me to type easily.

      If you have any leftover antibiotics, crush a pill and put powder on the wound. It keeps things drier than the goopy ointment. Either way, unless you see swelling or wet pus, I wouldn’t be too concerned. Keep it clean (thorough soap and water, then really dry it and loosely wrap with something clean) and dry, meaning don’t wash that finger 20x a day. It takes a good week to heal, fingers have somewhat poor circulation. Take advil as needed for any throbbing pain.

    • Fullyfunctional

      My German Shepherd bit me on the thumb, sounds similar, it bled a lot. Neosporin and bandaid, good as new in a week or so.

  17. Buttery soft Loungewear

    What are your favorite buttery soft loungewear sets? I don’t know if Vuori has matching tops. I was looking at Lou & Grey and Soma. I’m wondering what others like.

    • Anon

      I am obsessed with Gap’s modal loungewear and pjs. They’re all I wear to bed. So soft and comfortable.

    • Anon

      I bought the Lou and Grey matching sweatshirt/pants and LOVE them. Yes, they are expensive, but they are so soft I never want to take them off. I got the berry color and thought they ran true to size.

      • Flats Only

        And they hold up well. I have the pants from 2 years ago, wear them often, and there’s been no pilling or loss of softness.

    • Anon

      Cool nights by soma. I’ve had most of mine for years and they remain soft after hundreds of washes.

  18. Anon

    Arg, I interviewed last Thurs for a contract position, one I really want which would be great for my career, to start December 1, and, at end of interview, was offered the job. He said to expect hiring paperwork Monday. On Wednesday, with nothing received, I reached out but now it’s Friday and there is still no paperwork and there’s no response to the reach out. If this job is a go, I need to plan some things. If it’s not a go, I need to plan some things. It is so frustrating to not even get a response!

    • Ellen

      Yes, so many companies are sloppy even w/o covid. If they are in an”urban” area, remember that their secretarial support is often non-existant or terrible. Remember they need you, so if they don’t come through soon, just keep looking, and tell them if they ever do get back to you not to be so sloppy next time.

  19. Anon

    If anyone is still trying to figure out whether smaller holiday celebrations are safe, you might want to check out this tool: https://covid19risk.biosci.gatech.edu/

    It shows an estimate for the likelihood that at least one person will have COVID at an event of a given size in your county. I played around with it for a bit and the numbers are looking pretty grim for the areas where my family live (as high as 79% for an event with 10 people, assuming that there are 10 cases out there for every 1 reported case).

    • anon

      47% for an event with 15 people. Yikes. Feeling much better about canceling our Thanksgiving celebration.

      • anon

        And for the neighboring county where my parents and one sibling lives, it’s 65%. Holy &**#.

    • Kitten

      Thank you, I’m going to use this to try to guilt my family into cancelling thanksgiving. I have a higher risk tolerance than many on this board but now my 86 yo grandmother is planning to join and it’s just too much.

  20. The Original ...

    Let’s Share Our Wins of the Week!

    Mine?

    Personal: Didn’t engage in dating app messages from anyone I saw dealbreakers with, even the ones who were cute and even though I’ve been bored and feeling like covid means I’ll be single forever ever forever ever.

    Professional: Knocked out all of my required work and am a few days ahead, with tons on my plate, and still managed to stay on top of favorite returning tv shows for self-care, which makes me better at my work!

    • Anon

      I was asked for a second interview for a job I think I could be really good at. I didn’t think the first interview went well, so I was surprised to be asked back. It would be more money than my current job and a much-needed change!

    • Anonymous

      My boss gave me the lion’s share of the credit for winning us a large new client on a conference call with the entire company AND expressed more flexibility about the prospect of long-term WFH than she ever did previously. If that holds, I could actually see a future here.

    • anon

      All small wins that are making a difference for me:
      Got to sleep on time last night and fell asleep after 45 minutes, which is notable after a week of insomnia. Stuck to my guns and decided not to host Thanksgiving with my extended family, which was a tough but necessary conversation. Found a “coffeehouse” channel on YouTube that is making my home office environment feel nice and cozy. Have managed to stay baseline-level active even though I’ve done only one hard workout this week (see: insomnia). Deleted Twitter from my phone; I just cannot with the negativity and snark right now.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I closed on my refi yesterday and I don’t have a mortgage payment until 1/15/21. That’s a huge win for me considering how many expenses I have in the next 6 weeks. I’m breathing a big sigh of relief.

    • Vicky Austin

      I finished a book for the first time in a couple weeks! (Thank you, pre-election brain.)

    • CountC

      I love these threads!

      Personal: unmatching with a guy on Hinge who gave me his cell phone to text with and then four hours later (during a work day) sent me an “I guess not” message after I hadn’t used it. I don’t have time for that garbage – I have a job, which requires me to actually work during the day dude, GTFOOH with that nonsense. I also have not had an alcoholic drink for over two weeks. I definitely was binge drinking on a regular basis and had not been successful in cutting back previously. This is a huge thing for me.

      Profesionnal: being appointed as the lead counsel for one of our sub-business units, which is a good next step in my career development. This followed a frustrating period where I did not get two internal jobs (for appropriate reasons, but still), and was feeling very very stuck and down in the dumps about my job.

      • Curious

        Yay CountC!!!! What a big deal. Making changes to drinking/eating habits right now is nearly impossible… Triple kudos.

        • CountC

          Thank you! I am still working through substitutes that satisfy the evening relax with a drink “need,” but so far I have gone mostly with diet tonic and Rose’s lime juice. It makes me feel like I am enjoying a G&T / V&T but without the alcohol. I’m working my way through some saw it on social non-alcoholic alternatives with mixed results, but it’s an interesting/kind of fun experiment!

    • No Face

      Personal: I’ve adjusted my social media and alcohol intake, and I’ve been sleeping great! My youngest is sleeping through the night as well. I feel like a whole new woman.

      Professional: I switched jobs during this pandemic. I think I’ve been killing it at my new job! One benefit of starting at a new firm during this time is that my colleagues are used to me performing well while out of sight. I will probably never have to be in the office 40-50 hours a week, even when things are normal.

    • Monday

      Personal: I’ve been meeting my rule for a No-Shopping November. I can’t buy anything other than necessities, meaning no clothes/shoes/makeup/home stuff, etc. No exceptions, no matter how small.

      Professional: A policy recommendation that I wrote is being passed on to senior management of my hospital, with almost no edits done by my bosses. If it occasions a meeting with the CEO, I am invited to attend.

    • Maudie Atkinson

      Professional: Found some really valuable information in a stack of mostly worthless paper retrieved in an open records request, thereby tapping into all my childhood Nancy Drew fantasies.
      Personal: Made it to an outdoor yoga class last night, a welcome bit of activity during a pregnancy that has left my with very little energy or will for exercise.

    • Curious

      I told my boss I was trying to “be a duck” (calm above water, furiously paddling below) despite very stressful situations (partly of my making, as I’m up for a hard to get promotion), and she said I was doing a phenomenal job. Our typical maximum praise is “great.” I was floored and so happy.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Personal: did half of a 500 piece puzzle last night instead of staring at screens and the evening flew by. I’m gonna need more puzzles.

      Professional: got tough on a contractor to finally get him to cut us a check for a project that he’s way late paying and made other people in my office very happy.

    • Anon

      I didn’t think I had much but here goes. I got laid off early pandemic and am immunocompromised so I didn’t want to find another office job. So I started my own business in my field.

      My accomplishment this week was completing a completely Byzantine government certification process that lots of people just hire someone to do for them because it’s so ridiculous. Example: fill in your ABC number in order to go forward, or go here to get an ABC number. New site. Apply for ABC number – mandatory fields: name, address, ABC number. Ugh!!

    • Anonymous

      I appealed a health insurance claim and won. My out of pocket for a recent emergency surgery went from over $6k to under $250. And I got my senior dog to get in the doggie stroller so I could push him on a walk. My goal is to be able to jog with him in the stroller. I just need to heal from surgery first. But step one was getting him to step into the stroller.

  21. Help Me Shop

    Made the tough call not to gather with adult kids for Thanksgiving – just don’t want anyone traveling unnecessarily right now, especially as we are in a hotspot and on fire. Want to send them each a Turkey care package but am really stuck for ideas. none are married and will either be alone on Thanksgiving or with roommates. WF gift card? Wreath? I am not good at this particular skill. Ideas?

    • The Lone Ranger

      I think there are a couple of ways to do this, depending on how much you want to spend, and where your adults are located. You could go with a national company, like Harry and David, and send them something from there, they have everything from the entire meal to side dishes to an appetizer selection. Or you could go local and seek out places near which each of your children resides and call and order something. Local businesses may have items and deals and delivery with a personal touch you won’t get from a national chain. This will work better if you are looking for something specific. I’d suggest looking at Facebook groups for the areas they live in and seeing if anyone has already asked the question. In my state a lot of xxx city takeout, or xxx local eats, groups have sprung up from since the pandemic began to encourage patronage of local restaurants. Or, ask here, where there are peope from all over.

      We always had homemade cinnamon rolls while watching the parade, so my kid-dults are each getting a tray of cinnamon rolls delivered on Wednesday.

      Some of my friends are getting together with their siblings over Zoom and are all cooking their Mom’s stuffing together, so that would be a way of sharing, you could mail them the ingredients and recipe card for a family favorite.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Bottle of Wild Turkey and cocktail mixers? You can all get on video chat for a toast :-)

  22. Anonymous

    My aunt expressed an interest in learning more about theology from an academic perspective (like the history of religious thought/major religions). Can anyone recommend an audiobook or a course that she could listen to on the subject? Ideally I’d love to find something I could send her as a Christmas gift. It HAS to be audio (no TV, no books); she’s a former truck driver and developed a strong preference for auditory learning over many years of long-haul driving. Any recs for audiobooks or courses on CD would be very appreciated!

    • cbackson

      For Christianity specifically, Diarmuid MacCulloch’s Christianity: The First 3,000 Years is a very good (but very in-depth) history from a popular academic perspective (so it’s historically sound and written from an academic perspective rather than an evangelistic one, but written in a way that is slightly more accessible than a textbook) and I am told the audiobook is very good.

    • Anon

      I really like anything by Karen Armstrong – maybe an audiobook of A History of God would be good? Or Bill Moyers’ Genesis? Poking around the On Being website might also lead to some good options.

    • Maudie Atkinson

      No recommendations, but your aunt sounds like fascinating woman, and this strikes me as a very thoughtful gift for her.

      • Anonymous

        Aw thank you! She’s pretty cool and very unique. There had to have been, what, like 5 female long-haul truck drivers in the 1970s when she started? Not the traditional path for the eldest daughter in a New England WASP-y family, but her parents (my grandparents) accepted it and everything worked out great!

    • Flats Only

      I bet The Great Courses has something like this. Their CDs can be pricy, but they have big sales all the time.

      • anon

        Yes, my grandpa has similar interests, and he has a bunch of Great Courses recordings about religion.

    • Anonymous

      I love anything by Karen Armstrong — perhaps one of her books is available as an audiobook? The History of God was amazing.

      • Anonymous

        Aaaand I just saw someone posted almost exactly the same thing as me above :)

  23. Horse Crazy

    I posted the other day about beds and pillows – it’s part of a project to make our bedroom generally more cozy/warm. It’s kind of blah right now, and I’d love some advice to help warm it up. We have wood floors, so I’m getting a rug for under the bed, and we have these hideous green and blue curtains that the last tenants left here, so I’m swapping them for some light beige ones (also getting a beige bed frame). Another thing I don’t like is that there isn’t an overhead light – there’s just a wall sconce near the door. I have a lamp on my nightstand, which is diagonally across the room from the sconce, but other than the window, that’s all the light we have. We can’t do serious work like install a permanent overhead light because it’s a rental, so I’d love tips on how to brighten/warm up the room, as well as any other recommendations to make it more comfy. 

  24. Taxes and Remote Work

    I may be getting a new position where I can work remotely from anywhere in the United States. I don’t know what questions to ask regarding remote work. I am concerned about having to pay income tax in two states. If I get the position, what specific questions should I be asking?

    • anon

      You can certainly ask about how taxes work. I used to work in an office building in City A and lived in City B. Taxes were automatically taken out of my paycheck for City A and then I had to pay quarterly taxes directly to City B. My office building permanently shut down and I’m now a full time remote employee. I only have to pay taxes now for City B. Hopefully the same thing will apply to your company.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      I would ask about work/life balance. If this were a job that was done in an office during set hours, ask if that’ll be the case while you’re remote, or whether you’ll be expected to be plugged in 24/7. If they’re in a different time zone, ask if you’ll need to work their hours or whether you can shift your usual workday to overlap as much as feasibly possible. Finally, ask whether you’ll get to meet the team in person once this pandemic is over!

  25. Masks and glasses

    Any good mask recs for not fogging up glasses? Now that it is cooler, the fog is more of an issue for the glasses (also maybe illustrating a large gap where unfiltered air is escaping).

    Since they are “better,” would this be less of an issue with N-95s or KN-95s? I need glasses for reading.

    • Anonymous

      My teacher friend advises that a mask with a flap that extends far up the nose, rather than just a nose wire, is best for avoiding fogging.

    • Anon

      If you rub shaving cream on your glasses and then wipe it off, they won’t fog up.

  26. KW

    Where else can I look for a nice, wool winter coat that comes in tall sizes besides JCrew?

    Along those lines, any other good ideas for a 40th birthday present for me from my mom? Seems like it should be something special or memorable, but I’m drawing a blank. I’m a married lawyer with 2 little kids. My office is casual (jeans), so super nice jewelry is probably out.

    • Anon

      My default special gift is always jewelry. You can wear small diamond or pearl studs (for example) even in a casual office! Or what about a nice watch? Or maybe a day at the spa if that’s possible in your area.

    • Anonymous

      Lands Ends actually has a couple. It’s the one tall size coat item they carry in XS. Usually their tall coats start at S. Not the coolest coats ever but a solid classic.

      I had my 40th in May and my mom gifted me a new purse. She gave me an approx price range, I sent her 4-5 options and she picked one. She likes giving surprises so this way I was surprised on which actual one I got but she didn’t have to worry that I wouldn’t love it.

    • Anon

      On the small or memorable item: A dainty piece of jewelry she can wear everyday like a small right hand ring or diamond/moissanite pendant (.5 karat or below for daintiness and price purposes).

      Or a custom or special ornament or displayable object representing a special time in her life or place she has traveled. My city has a glass blowing business that does custom work, and jewelers create custom pieces all the time.

    • Anon

      Banana, Gap, Ann Taylor, Eddie Bauer should all have tall size coats. Some lines at nicer stores like Mackage I think run longer.

    • Anon

      For coats: Aritzia, particularly the Babaton and Wilfred lines. I am partial to the Connor coat and the Cocoon coat, but there are lots. Its a Canadian brand, and these coats are seriously warm. For gift: maybe not nice jewelry but something appropriate for everyday, like earrings from Mejuri? New fancy bed sheets? A cashmere throw, a cire trudon candle, an expensive perfume (I’ve been wearing HEAVY perfume while WFH), a set of global knives.

    • Anon

      Diamond stud earrings if you don’t have them already. Not too fancy for WFH

  27. Remote Job

    My post does not appear here with a message that it is in moderation, so I am reposting. Apologies for any duplicates. I may be getting a remote job and would like to know what questions I should ask. I am concerned about having to pay income taxes in two states, and whether there are other financial considerations. Can anyone recommend specific questions and considerations?

  28. Anon

    I am usually very much a “no Christmas spirit until December” kind of person but I just caught myself singing Sleigh Ride…

    • anonymous

      I too am usually a “at least give Thanksgiving the respect it deserves and wait!” person, but as far as I’m concerned 2020 has messed up time so completely that we can all do whatever we want with Christmas. My SO spontaneously started whistling Ukrainian Bell Carol to the puppy last night– who LOVED it– and it was great.

      • Anon

        I’m glad that people who would normally be yucking my early Christmas yum are taking this approach this year.

    • Anon

      I just listened to The Seasons Upon Us by the Dropkick Murphys (I’m the OP in the angsty music thread). Who says you can’t have angst AND too-early-to-be-appropriate holiday cheer

    • Senior Attorney

      I’ve had an “All I Want For Christmas Is You” earworm ever since I saw that video of people dancing to it at the gas station after they called the election. And I’m not even mad about it!

    • Anonymous

      I ordinarily cannot stand Mame, but the song “We Need a Little Christmas”seems very appropriate this year.

  29. Anon

    Any government lawyers (specifically DOJ litigators) on here been able to make the transition to an in house position? If so, how did you do it? I’ve been looking for over a year now, and have had a handful of interviews but can’t get an offer. I know how competitive these jobs are, but I’m wondering if there’s anything else I can do to improve my chances. Almost all of my interviews have been through personal connections, and obviously those are not limitless. I’m really dismayed and not sure what else to do at this point. I’m also wondering if I need to improve my interview skills, but that’s another post, I guess.

  30. anon

    Design question for ya’ll: We have mismatched bedside tables, and one is about 3-4″ shorter than the other. It’s not crazy offensive … until you add lamps. Then the height difference is very noticeable, and the asymmetry is driving me nuts. It’s probably not helping that we have two outdated lamps that don’t match, either. I’m propping up one lamp with a stack of books, which isn’t a great look. What’s the best solution here? Matching lamps? Get another matching table? I would really hate to move my table to another area of the house. It’s a beautiful, functional antique piece that deserves to be shown off a bit!

    • Anonymous

      OMG are you me? I just re-arranged things this week and went from meh to OMG this is just driving me nuts.

    • Cat

      I’d get matching lamps BUT keep propping up the other with something like books. Do you have any old hardcover books that would look pretty minus the dust jackets?

    • Anonymous

      Matching sconce lights that can be hung on the wall instead placed on the tables. We have some with clear cords and the cords are not very noticeable.

      • anon

        I hadn’t even thought of sconce lights but that could be a good option for us.

    • anon

      Get an acrylic stand of some kind, either a monitor riser or some of those mini drawers people use for makeup. That will make your lamp heights match without being as noticeable as books.

    • Anon

      Either lean into the mismatchiness or get matching tables and lamps. I like the mismatchiness, so I’d say go to a used bookstore and buy a few hardcover books based on dust jacketless looks alone – title doesn’t matter and use the books as part of the decor.

      • anonyK

        Agree. If tables don’t match, I’d stick with lamps that don’t match either and go for an eclectic look. I would not put matching lamps on mismatching tables- I think that would only highlight the height difference. And I agree with prior poster that sconces might be good option here.

    • Senior Attorney

      Can you put the shorter table up on blocks? Or find a pretty box or small free-standing shelf to put the lamp on?

    • Anon

      You can get risers to put under the legs of your shorter table. That’s probably better than rising your lamp.

  31. Anon

    After years of managing people, I am looking at a new role as an individual contributor. I like the culture of the company and the work is interesting, and I never particularly loved managing people. It was so draining, and I missed actually doing the work. But I’m still finding it hard to not think of this as a step back. Anyone else do something similar? Is it a setback?

    It’s hard to think about what REALLY matters at work vs. what society says is important.

  32. Anon

    I’m 40 now and even though I haven’t been into anti-aging skincare (I have had enough to deal with having acne and rosacea), I am starting to feel like there is something wrong with me because I now have some horizontal lines on my forehead. I don’t think that they are bad, but I see so many posts photos pointing out tiny, tiny flaws with the goal of flawless skin, and I wonder if they have dysmorphia or if my standards for myself are too low.

    Does anyone have horizontal lines on their forehead at my age anymore, or has everyone gotten rid of them via Botox and Retin A? Does anyone else feel like they don’t really want to have pressure on them to not have lines on their face?

    • anon

      I am 40 and definitely have lines across my forehead. I hear you — I also have rosacea, and my skincare goal is to keep that under control. Anti-aging ranks much lower in my list of skincare priorities. Pictures of flawless Instagram skin make me feel a little less-than at times, but more because of the roscea. That is just not attainable for me. On the anti-aging front, I’m not that interested in going the botox/filler route. It’s not something I want to keep up with or make time for. My skin is not flawless, for sure, but it is cared for. That has to be good enough, I guess.

    • Anonie

      I am 30, but I know what you mean. I am quite pretty by many people’s standards (granted, everyone has different tastes) and many of my friends who are also arguably very pretty women are starting to go to lengths that sound entirely unpleasant to me. Extreme workouts at the lower end of the spectrum, followed by Botox, lip fillers, under-eye fillers that leave bruising for weeks, etc. One friend’s beautiful mom in her 50s just got an entire face lift and everyone seemed so nonchalant about it when she told us. I care about my appearance but I certainly don’t want any of that for my future.

      Sorry to anyone who reads this as judgmental. I know society has historically put a CRAZY amount of expectations on female appearance, so I don’t mean to insult anyone’s desire to reach these lofty standards.

      • Anonymous

        I have no desire to do this either. Spending weekends getting work done and finding ways to cover up bruising just isn’t for me. I already don’t feel like I have enough time for my hobbies and interests as it is and I am also interested in challenging the beauty “requirements” that were unheard of not that long ago, but are becoming so commonplace now.

      • Anon

        I have never had work done, older than you, plenty of wrinkles and character. I have a same-age colleague who has had lots done, and continues to do so. She looks younger than I do (but not by much), cannot project her voice because her facial muscles are Botoxed, and I have had superiors pull me aside and ask me if they should be concerned that she is a victim of domestic abuse because of the frequency with which she appears with visible bruising. I know there is a continuum between where she is and where I am, but I would rather err on my side of the continuum than hers. Don’t worry. You are fine, and as you age, your decisions to go gently will serve you well, IMO.

        • Monday

          +1. I’ve had 2 coworkers with lots of botox, and they both looked weird and puffy. I also don’t like talking to someone whose facial expression never changes. I have a naturally serious face, am 39, and likewise don’t want pressure to get injections or surgery.

          At times I’ve been afraid that I’d become an outlier for not getting any work done, but given how much more popular it’s become to not dye over gray hairs, I’m getting more hopeful. I think a lot of women feel like we do.

    • Anon

      I think when you get off social media and and look around at real people, you’ll find your face is more common than not. You are aging in a perfectly normal way – horizontal forehead lines are normal at 40. Don’t go off of the airbrushed pics online, even on facebook and instagram. Honestly the most physically beautiful people I know are the worst abusers of facetune and filters. No matter what you look like, unless you’ve had an abnormally stressful life, smoke, or drink excessively, you’re probably aging perfectly normally.

      That said, if you are really uncomfortable with your lines, the low effort way to address them and slow down skin aging is sunblock, moisturizing skin well, drinking lots of water, and retin-a.

    • NW Islander

      I recommend unsubscribing from the social media apps that trigger this thinking.

      I am 40 and yes I have some lines at this point. It is a bummer. But I look objectively better than almost everybody in my network that is on the anti-aging merry-go-round. The person I know with the worst skin is actually an owner of skin/medi spas and obsessively chasing the latest fad treatment, regular Botox, etc. His example affirmed my conviction that diet/exercise/basic hygiene (eg cleansing and sunscreen) is the way to go.

    • anonyK

      I don’t know many people in real life who have had injectables etc at my age (mid thirties), though its possible they just wouldn’t tell me. Retin A is probably quite common- I’ve used it in the past for acne and would be willing to use it again in the future. My skin really needs exfoliating help. Anyway, I have fine lines around my eyes already. My skin type just does not age well so it is what it is. But I do worry that cosmetic “help” will become so pervasive that people will forget what normal looks like and people will think I’m 60 when I’m 45.

    • Kitten

      All the men I know have horizontal lines starting in their mid-20s. It’s pretty common for women in my city to get botox, but the friends I have who do not get it all have horizontal lines in their early 30s. I think you were actually pretty lucky to not have any until now, although I realize that’s not the point of your post :)

    • Anon

      I got rid of mine with Botox and Retin A, and I’m comfortable with that. I inherited a “mean face” from my mother and grandmother, and I was fed up with seeming unfriendly and intimidating (and of having to explain on Teams calls that I wasn’t angry, that’s just my face). I definitely believe that it’s helped my soft skills at work.

      I appreciate the softening, but you aren’t obligated to do anything to yourself that you don’t want to.

    • Anon

      Of course we have lines across our foreheads! We’re just not the kind of people who post pictures on the internet of our “flawless” faces. Normal people have forehead lines. This is not a flaw.

    • Deedee

      I’m late 20s and have fine static forehead lines, so I sympathize. I think at 40, lines seem normal! I notice when women that age don’t have any markers of age (crow’s feet, etc.).

      Personally, I have a VERY long lived family, so I dare not do much more than sunscreen and moisturizer. (My skin is too sensitive for Retin A.) What if fillers or Botox have consequences longterm? My last living great grandmother died last year at age 100… The others were mid 80s, 96, and 105!

  33. Anonymous

    Bedroom tradeoff/design question:

    Our current master BR is 15×19, with a master bath that is 8×8 and a master walk in closet that is 8×7 right next to (but not connect to inside) the bathroom. Our master bath has only a walk-in shower and one sink. This is our forever home, and I’d really like to have a freestanding bathtub and two sinks in the master bath.

    We are considering expanding the bathroom so it’s the full 8×15 to give us space for the tub and bigger sink/counter. Instead of building a closet, we have been thinking about building a partition wall and creating a walk-thru closet (it could also be walk-in, but it would go in front of a window and we’d like to keep some of the light). This would shrink the remaining bedroom down to about 15x 12 or 15x 12 but the only furniture we’d really have left to put in there would be the king bed, nightstands, and maybe a bookshelf.

    We have rearranged the furniture as if there were a wall where we’d build it to give us a sense of how tight it would be. It doesn’t seem bad– especially since the closet as we are thinking of laying it out would eliminate the need for the 2 dressers we have in our master right now.

    Is this super weird/crazy? Are there downsides to the “bedroom” ie where the bed goes only being 15×12? That’s about the size of the rest of the BRs in the house and those fit beds and dressers and toys and bookshelves just fine.

    • Anon

      My bedroom is 13X13. There is barely enough room for a queen bed, let alone a king. I’m actually thinking of moving to a full (I live alone) just so it doesn’t seem quite so cramped. I have a queen bed, dresser, one nightstand, clothes hamper and a small bookshelf. It’s tight.

    • Anon

      The other rooms fit things, but do they have king size beds? Are those rooms single person while yours is two people? I personally would not consider what you are thinking about. I spend a lot of time in the bedroom and need lots of closet space (shoe junkie). A spacious bedroom and closet are higher on my priority list than a larger bathroom, but YMMV. Only you can decide this.

    • Anon

      I would want the tub, but I’ve never understood the need for two sinks. What couple absolutely has to synchronize their toothbrushing or face washing? Just take turns. If it’s a matter of “he’s a slob and I want my side to stay clean”, you really aren’t going to be any happier with the filth moved two feet to the left.

    • Anonymous

      We actually use the smaller bedroom as our main bedroom. We just don’t want or need extra space in the bedroom. We use what traditionally would be the master as a workout room/ study. So I don’t think what you want to do is weird at all.

    • Anonymous

      A 15 x 12 primary bedroom would make the house very difficult to sell, especially if you’ve done fancy renovations. Our house has two 12 x 12 bedrooms, and even a full-sized bed really fills up those rooms widthwise. It would be awfully difficult to fit a queen-sized bed, let alone a king, in a 15 x 12 room, and people generally want a big dresser and a chair in a primary bedroom. I have a small, very unfancy home, and a 15 x 12 primary bedroom would have been a dealbreaker on the purchase. I think our primary bedroom is 14 x 16 and it’s still awfully tight.

      • Anonymous

        Hmm, so the dresser contents (and a dresser), vanity, mirror etc would go into this closet, which would be 15×7 or something like that. I was envisioning the clutter/clothing stored in either the bathroom itself (it will have a linen closet) or the closet.

        Our current space is 15×19 and houses a king size bed, two bulky nightstands, a wardrobe, a tall chest of drawers, a 6’ wide dresser, two bookshelves and a valet.

    • Anon

      I don’t think eliminating the master closet makes any sense. You will miss it a lot, and it will hurt your resale value.

      • Anonymous

        I think I’m describing this all wrong. We are looking at building a new master closet within the existing master BR space, so we’d end up with a master closet 15×7 in a new place, a bathroom 15×8 (which will also have a small closet and now a bathtub and dual sink), and a main room of 15×12 or so which would have a king bed, a bookshelf, and two nightstands (the new master closet would take away the need for large dressers).

        Does that change anything?

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