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Anonymous
My MIL told us she’s leaving FIL, in part because he fell off the wagon. My husband is worried about both of them, but we live several states away. Any suggestions on how he can support them? I believe they each have their own therapist. I’ve suggested my husband call our EAP and talk to someone too. Thanks!
anon
Al Anon for your husband.
anon
+1. And the EAP suggestion is a good one.
Anon
My fiance and I are trying to decide whether to set a wedding date for late October of 2023 or wait until May or June of 2024. We’ve decided on a venue, so now it’s just a matter of choosing from their available dates. The venue provides catering, tables, chairs, and a venue coordinator.
Factors to consider:
– Estimated guest count is about 50.
– At least half the guests would be flying to the wedding or driving from multiple states away.
– One of our parents has been in and out of the hospital for cardiac issues and related treatments over the past year. While the long-term prognosis is unclear, waiting until spring 2024 feels riskier in terms of the parent not being with us any longer.
– We’re in our mid-late 30’s, and have already been engaged for a year.
– I was initially worried about finding a photographer for October 2023, but at least a couple photographers we like still have availability.
– We are not interested in a November – April wedding due to the weather in our region.
Another option would be to have a tiny wedding ceremony with only our parents this fall, followed by a larger reception in the spring. However, we wonder if some people would be miffed they didn’t get to see the ceremony or wouldn’t travel for just a reception.
Would appreciate any thoughts or advice!
anon
You’ve already been engaged for a year and have family members with health issues. Definitely go for the October date.
Anon
Yep, go for October.
Anon
Agreed. It’s almost 6 months away, you can plan a nice wedding in this timeframe.
Anon
This. October is the clear winner.
Anon8
Based on what you’ve said here, October seems like the clear winner. Why wait any longer?
AIMS
+1. I can see waiting if getting married in October means choosing a date you’re unhappy with (e.g.m a wedding on a Tuesday) but October is plenty notice for everyone and a great time of year.
Anonymous
Do an October wedding! I don’t see any reasons on your list to wait. I had an early October wedding and it was great! Plus October is a good time to travel, if you’re thinking of doing a honeymoon right afterwards.
NYCer
October, hands down. I don’t really see any argument against it.
Anon
October 2023 for the whole thing. I knew several couples who had a small Covid wedding with the intention of holding a larger reception later and all of them canceled the reception. After getting married the reception felt like nothing but an expensive party and they no longer needed it emotionally.
Anon
October! I love fall weddings. And why delay the joy? Congratulations!!!!
Anon
What are you concerns about October? It seems like a clear winner, so it would probably be helpful to consider why it’s giving you pause
Anonymous
Yes, this. There doesn’t seem any reason to wait until spring, yet something is making you want to do so.
Anonymous
Yeah, this is a no brainer. Idk if OP thinks it’s too last minute because a lot of people pick their date a year or more in advance? Getting a save the date in June for an October wedding is perfectly acceptable.
Anonymous
Obviously October! Life is short get married asap.
Senior Attorney
LIFE IS SHORT GET MARRIED ASAP!!
phillyanon
October for all the reasons you’ve listed. Plus, every October wedding I’ve been to in the past 5 years has actually had really pleasant weather (in the northeast so this may not hold true for you). Congrats!!
Anon
Chiming in from the Midwest to agree, recent October weddings have been lovely.
PLB
In Florida and agree, agree, agree.
Anon
I’m not sure where OP is located, but my parents got married in October and it snowed!
Anon
I got married in the DMV in late October and was expecting Fall weather. I’m from Western NY and it was the first year I lived in the DMV. It was 95. Our historic reception hall had no A/C, because who needed that in the Fall?
Anonymous
I’m in MA and we have two kids with October birthdays. Snow is super rare. If it does snow, it’s beautiful and gone in the morning.
October is awesome!! October wedding.
Anon
Definitely October. I got married last september and remember feeling incredibly overwhelmed about planning the whole thing in a few short months, but since you have the venue, catering, coordinator done, and close to having a photographer, you are like 70% done planning it already.
Anon 2.0
October is the clear winner. Even if everything can’t go perfectly in October, the risk of not having a parent there in the spring is not worth the tradeoff.
Anon
I tend to think having two weddings is kind of tacky. Either have a ceremony with just your parents and have that be your wedding, or a ceremony with everyone. An additional reception after a private ceremony just seems like a gift grab to me.
Anonymous
I got married in a private ceremony with just my husband and I. My family have been the ones pushing for a reception. The reception isn’t about gifts, it’s about letting people who love you celebrate with you. We have ended up not having a reception for a variety of reasons, but I can see why people do.
Anon
Agreed, it isn’t tacky at all. I hate that attitude toward weddings. If you get invited, consider yourself lucky to have people in your life who want to celebrate with you.
Anon
+1 DH and I had a small destination type wedding with a larger reception later. We even put in our invitation no gifts necessary (obviously in cuter language on our invites). It was really geared towards letting extended family get to together and letting parents invite their friends without the time/expense of a formal wedding.
Anonymous
With the exception for Covid, I agree. I don’t think it’s tacky to have gotten married between 2020 and 2022 and have a big reception now that the world is open again. I got married during that period with just our parents. We’re not doing a reception or bigger party of any kind, and I get the impression that a lot of family and friends are kind of hurt/feeling excluded. Kudos to anyone else who can muster the enthusiasm for planning a wedding when you’re already married, though! I’m all in favor of more parties rather than less (as long as I don’t have to plan them).
Anon
I agree, I think it’s tacky in general but make an exception for people who had tiny weddings during Covid.
Anonymous
We got married in a ‘micro wedding’ because we are somewhat private people. We didn’t want to give meaningful emotional vows to each other in front of distant relatives and friends of parents. At the same time, it was meaningful to my parents to have an event where they could include their community so we also had a party a month later after the honeymoon. I guess that was tacky.
daylight
We did exactly that too, for the same reasons. For the life of me I cannot understand why watching the actual ceremony is so important to people. I do not care at all if anyone thinks it was tacky.
HFB
yes, but as someone who is trying to plan a wedding now, for everyone who thinks the way you do there’s someone who will be mortally offended if we dont haveSOME kind of event they can be invited to. at least in my family there is. the two wedding solution might be a compromise for those types of people.
Anon
I don’t know a person who isn’t themselves tacky that uses the word tacky.
Anon
Agree that 2 weddings is tacky, but 1 smaller ceremony and then a larger party later is not tacky.
Anon
I would go for October, no question. I have been to some lovely fall weddings.
I will add: I think it could be totally fine to do a ceremony in the fall and a reception later. I know there are some people who look at that askance but in your case, you have a parent with health issues and so there’s a good reason for doing the ceremony earlier than the reception. IMO, the ceremony now/reception later thing has gotten so common I am not sure people really raise eyebrows at it any more; if you have a large number of very traditional people who you feel would be offended by that approach, then don’t do it. But if you feel like most of the 50 guests you’re inviting would be fine, it’s something to consider.
Anonymous
I did an October wedding somewhere warm since we knew half the wedding would be flying anyway and I always pictured getting married on a beach (only mentioning in case weather is your only sticking point). We loved getting married then—we weren’t competing against the crush of May, June, July weddings.Most folks didn’t have kids or weren’t bringing them so no real difficulty with a long weekend if they wanted to extend. And I think sooner is always better than risking later, especially post pandemic.
Anon
Go for October, I got married in late October and it’s a great time of year. It’s also fabulous for anniversaries – lots of places to go for cozy fall weekends to celebrate and it never interferes with competing events.
Anon
Another October vote, I got married in late October and it’s a great time of year. It’s also fabulous for anniversaries, there are lots of places to go for cozy fall weekends to celebrate and it never has competing events.
Anon
Definitely October. Bonus – it is a great time of year for travel if you like to do trips on your anniversary! :)
Anon
+1 (unless your spouse is a teacher/professor or someone else who has a career that’s incompatible with travel then)
Anon.
I second October, especially since you are already in the planning stage and have a few vendors secured.
FWIW, I got married in mid-November in Northern Europe, admittedly a grey, cold, dark and rainy season. But the memories are still wonderful. I actually think this was nice for our guests, too, since November doesn’t have many celebrations or holidays in Europe, and also, travel and hotel costs were cheap (many friends and us too were on a grad student budget).
When we took wedding pictures, it was freezing and we slipped in and out of wintercoats and my dad brought a thermos with hot tea, and we still talk about how fun but also how freaking cold this was.
Anon
Not to pile on the October train….but I was in an October wedding years ago where the bride used this quote a lot. I just thought it was so sweet. “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers” LM Montgomery from Anne of Green Gables.
Anon
Girl how is this even a question? You will have been engaged for 18 months by the fall. That’s a long engagement when you’re in your 20s and don’t have sick parents, it’s absolutely bonkers when you’re mid-30s and have a parent with serious health issues. I don’t know why you’d even considering delaying this further. Is something giving you pause about marrying this guy? Because you are not especially young for marriage and you have already been engaged for what is objectively a long time and if you’re not ready to do it soon, it seems like maybe something deeper is going on.
Anon
Second this. IMHO, once you’re a couple years out of college, there is no reason to delay marriage for the sake of delaying marriage. (Meaning, if you meet your spouse in high school or college, there are good reason to not get married immediately – make sure that you want the same things out of life and maybe spend a year or two as actual real independent adults before getting engaged.)
Beyond that, though, this business of procrastination is not healthy. There is actually very little to be gained from delaying marriage for its own sake.
anon
Agree 100%. Either you want to be married, or you don’t.
Anon
Or it seems like OP wants to allow enough notice for her out of town guests and determine if the shorter timeline makes sense for planning logistics. Jeez.
Anon
Six months is plenty of notice for out of town guests. Lots and lots of people in their 30s get married about six months after getting engaged. But mainly I’m reacting to the fact that they’ve already been engaged for a year. If giving your out of town guests a very long lead time is important to you, then you start planning ASAP when you get engaged so you can give people a lot of notice. They will have already been engaged for 18 months by the fall and are contemplating pushing the wedding back another 8+ months, for an engagement that totals more than 2 years. Barring Covid-era weirdness in 2020-2021, I’ve never heard of anyone over the age of 21 having that long of an engagement and it definitely seems like a red flag to me.
Anon
Let’s take it easy on the “red flag,” stuff, please. Some of y’all are reading an awful lot into the OP’s relationship using very minimal information and a lot of mean-spirited conjecture. There seems to be a bent among some of you to immediately jump to “let’s pick apart people’s relationship posts so we can find a reason to tell the person they should break up/get a divorce” and it’s getting kind of tiresome. And also pretty sad. People can be engaged for longer than a year in their thirties for all kinds of reasons. If you’re reading something into the OP’s situation that there’s no evidence to support, that says a ton of things about your mindset, mentality and approach to relationships, and not very much about the OP’s situation (or what choice she should make) at all.
Anon
No one has said she should dump him, and the comparison to “just divorce him” comments on other threads is disingenuous. When a 30-something couple with somewhat pressing life circumstances (in this case a seriously ill parent they apparently want at their wedding) is in no hurry to get married, it’s worth examining if there’s another reason they’re dragging their feet. If the answer is no, great. It doesn’t mean the question wasn’t worth asking.
Anon
Right!? Good god!
Anon
I would do Oct. Plenty of time for folk to make plans.
Anonymous
The fact that there is a question of the parent not making it to a may or june wedding is the only reason you need to make it work in October. I would get married in a courthouse with no notice or fanfare if it meant someone very important who might not make it to a planned day was there to see it happen.
We got married in October and only had 6 or 7 months to plan…we got to take advantage of some pretty good perks that came with getting married in the ‘off-season’.
anon
We had a 7-month engagement, and I am SO GLAD we did it that way. Otherwise, it would’ve been too easy to sweat the details and overthink every wedding planning decision. Also, we were beyond ready to be together at that point.
Anon
We did a year-long engagement and I always felt it was too long, and we should have gotten married in 6 months. The planning was basically done by the 6-month mark and then it was just waiting, and then we had some drama with DH’s family that had time to evolve because there was so much time available before the wedding, etc. Especially when people are in their 30s and have been dating awhile, maybe are already living together, a 6-month engagement is fine.
Anon
+1 we had a 16 month engagement and it felt way too long to me, even without the pressures of sick parents or wanting to have kids ASAP (not sure if the latter is a concern for OP, but it is for many people in their mid-30s). We should have gotten married the summer we got engaged instead of the following summer. My best friend planned an Indian wedding for 500+ people in less than six months. It can be done!
Anon
The two people in my family who pushed me to have a 2+ year engagement (we were in our 30s, FWIW) were the two biggest drama queens, who spent the entire engagement being passive aggressive, trying to take control, and throwing shade at me behind my back to other family members. It started the day after we got engaged and let up after the wedding. It was shocking how many times they told me my wedding was tacky.
No good comes from dragging it out. You just increase the ability of people to whine, complain, and talk about how it isn’t good enough. You will probably spend more money, too.
Anonymous
Word. I had a 15 month engagement and it was too long. Wedding planning is the worst. Just push it through and get it over with.
Realtor
Any recommendations on questions to ask a Realtor when you are choosing someone to sell your house? I am not looking to buy now. I’ve never sold a house before.
I have a couple local recs, who know the area well. One was recommended to me by a neighbor who flips.
House is not high end, and needs cosmetic work, but is in a desirable area. It is over 100 years old (with all of those issues…), and does have some nice vintage touches. Hoping to sell without much fuss, and maximizing price is not essential. Getting the house to the “next level” for more profit would cost me a lot of time and $$, which I am not willing to do. But I have time to do reasonable basic things. It is perfect for the young family, hoping to move into the good school district, but can’t afford crazy prices.
Thanks!
Anon
Anybody can get a good photographer to do your pics and write good copy. This “marketing plan” they tout is just-good pics and access to the listing sites. I always look for someone who loves my house and/or my neighborhood. But when it comes to evaluating offers, go with your own research. Every house I’ve sold (4) with a realtor has had her encouraging me to accept a lower offer or more seller concessions than I ultimately did, to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars (about $70K on one house we flipped, that sold in the high $300s 2 years ago; $10K on my actual house that I sold a month ago). If she can’t show you data supporting her recommendation, don’t take her advice. As for repairs, we told prospective agents that they were free to make recommendations but that the house had a lot going for it, and we were not going to repaint or replace carpet or windows or whatever else they were going to suggest. We had lived there 20 years and knew what it needed to show well: new sod in the back. That is all we did, besides clean and have one important room painted (because the ceiling looked dingy-it had not been primed before it was painted years ago), and we were under contract in 12 hours for $30K over asking.
Realtor
Thanks for sharing. Your house sounds much newer/better maintained. Our place will definitely NOT look great in person, and will need a buyer that is willing to do the work (most likely slowly/over time). So I feel like I’m not in a great place to push a realtor hard to get more $ / what time course for selling is typical etc..
I’m worried that a potential buyer is going to do an inspection and then say…… “Whoa…. it needs new windows, stucco re-paint, some wood repair, updated electric, paint all wood etc….. How about 50-100K less or I walk?”
I just don’t have a good sense about how to work with a Realtor, and negotiate, when you have a house that is a “diamond in the rough”. ie. amazing location for the right person, great price in this economy, livable right now with the essentials well maintained, but needs a lot of sprucing…” I suspect we will not get the greatest price, and am trying to accept that because I don’t have a lot of time.
Anon
I would strongly recommend picking a Realtor who knows your neighborhood really well and understands the pros and cons of the neighborhood, and the kinds of buyers who are looking to buy the kind of house you’re selling, and the neighborhood you live in.
When we sold our last house, we picked a Realtor based on some recommendations from people who knew her and knew people who had worked with her. But she didn’t really know our neighborhood, which was mostly attractive to young families without a lot of money – she mostly sold houses in an older, hipper part of town, to DINKs with a lot of money for both purchase and renovation. As a result, our house sat on the market for longer than I feel like it should have (and she kept pressuring us to do major price drops – like, a week in she wanted us to drop the price $40k to try to get the house to sell) and our opinion, the way she marketed the house was just wrong – she staged the house to make it look really upscale and we got feedback from some potential buyers that the staging made the house look cluttered and smaller than it actually was.
One of my friends told me, as we were in the middle of this, to remember that the Realtor’s whole goal is to close the deal and move on to the next deal. Many of them don’t really care whether or not you love their approach or like the way they do business – by the time you go to buy or sell your next home, they may not even be working as a Realtor. So some of them don’t care if they make you unhappy by pressing for price decreases or insisting on updates (or concessions) you don’t think are necessary – they just want to get the deal done and go on to the next deal. So it’s not the relationship-driven business that you’d think. Once I understood that, our Realtor’s actions made more sense. I still didn’t cave on the drastic decreases; I eventually did what people tell you you should not do, and left a letter in the house describing the neighborhood and what we liked about it, and how safe and happy we’d felt in the house while we lived there. The week I put the letter in the kitchen, we got an offer from a single woman, who said safety was really important to her. We sold the house under list but exactly where I thought we’d end up, and everyone moved on.
So, TL;DR advice: don’t pick someone you like; pick someone who really knows your neighborhood and can close deals for your type of house – not houses drastically different from yours. Understand they just are looking to close the deal and that’s it. And stick to your guns about what you do and don’t want. If you don’t want to do tons of updates or drop the price below a certain point, don’t do it.
anon
+1 seconding this. My parents’ former neighbor exclusively sells houses in their neighborhood and she makes a killing AND she knows all of the great things about the ‘hood and all the comps!
Realtor
Thank you for these great points.
I live in a town that is very diverse in housing/architecture. ~50k people, “urban suburb”, borders major city. Tons of beautiful old stock single family houses. Everything from multi-million dollar beautiful victorians/mansions, and lots and lots of simple smaller old house stock but interesting / tiny bungalows and everything inbetween. All houses pretty close together.
The Realtor I was leaning towards is a mother (+ son now) realtor that live in our town, selling for decades. My neighbor who flips sold 15 houses with her (!). But maybe I need to research if she sells houses “like mine” vs. more the high end stuff. I was a little worried my house (likely sell around 350-400k) was too boring for her.
anon
It very well may be and she won’t tell you. Trust your gut. Definitely investigate this further.
Anonymous
Ditto this. Someone who sells a lot in your neighborhood. Is there someone you see on many listing signs in the neighborhood?
If they do a lot of business in you’re area they know your market, they know the other selling agents, etc.
Realtor
You know, I never pay attention to the signs! You really don’t see many at all in our town. But now I will watch like a hawk….
Anonymous
If you search “recently sold” on Zillow, you can see who the listing agent was for the properties.
Senior Attorney
Agree with this. Every neighborhood has that one realtor who specializes in that particular place, and that is the person you want.
anonshmanon
Agree with this on the flip side. The house we just bought was listed by a realtor from a different part of the state, who made a lot of odd choices, which were out of the norm for our local, crazy market. I suspect that is why the house sat unsold for over 5 months.
Anonymous
Agreed with this. There’s one realtor in our neighborhood who does so much business here that her aesthetic and style have virtually set the market standard. As a result, anything that doesn’t look like her listings feels “weird” to prospective buyers. She has trained the market. It’s a little nutty, but it is also true. Find your town’s version of this person.
In-House Anon
Another vote for finding The Realtor who knows your specific neighborhood. Like a prior poster said, anyone can do the marketing, but that’s a tiny percentage of the transaction. You need someone who knows the neighborhood, knows other realtors, knows the bankers / mortgage brokers, and can get the deal closed. We used the same Realtor to buy and then sell our last home and she was The Person. We were a little nervous about the high volume she did (like, would she have attention for us), but it was fine. When the market started going south last spring (spiking interest rates) she got our house and her other clients’ houses sold while similar houses languished. In part, it was her staying on top of the buying agent and not letting anything fall through the cracks.
Anonymous
We met with 3 realtors. They viewed the house and suggested a sale price. We asked their marketing plan. Literally one has a plan beyond list it online. He sold it for more than the others suggested listing it at without us having to do the renos the other agents insisted were necessary. He understood that while it was not a fancy house, it was a ‘dream home’ for people in a different socio economic/hobbies set because of the location and layout (eg RV parking which meant not having to pay storage fees over the winter).
The best thing you can do before having an agent view is to clean and declutter as much as possible – you need to pack anyway if you are moving but a house that shows well is worth more.
Realtor
Thanks for sharing.
Did you ask any other questions to each person?
I am most curious what each Realtor would say I absolutely HAVE to fix before selling….
Interestingly, the house flipper said she wouldn’t do anything to my house before selling! Which shocked me, as I thought I had to at least repaint the peeling front door. She said…. “any buyer may not like the color anyway… so why waste the time/money…”.
Nesprin
It really depends on your neighborhood which is one of the reasons everyone is clamoring about finding a local specialist.
Anonymous
We asked what price they would recommend to list it at, what if any renovations or updates they thought were necessary and how that impacted the listing price, we asked how many houses they had sold in the area in the last year and how long each sale generally took, and we asked what they would do to market the property.
The agent we hired owned rental properties in the area and was very familiar with the market for that neighborhood. He hosted a lunch time brokers open that got brokers out to actually see the house and garden. That created some early buzz/interest around the property as he was able to say ‘I have 30 brokers coming on Friday but I can get you in on Thursday night to view if your clients are serious.’ etc. Other brokers did more business but the property would have been only one of many they listed and they offered less specialized service.
anon for this
The market is really strange right now — some areas are still in massive bidding wars and others are seeing price cuts. It’s important that you are clear with your agent about your driving priority (quick sale, best price, no contingencies, a rent back, etc). Ask about the three most recent sales they’ve done and their read on today’s market. Ask about staging – some include that, some make you pay for it. Ask what they think is most important for you to fix to sell. Ask about commission!
Realtor
Thank you. Really appreciate your specific question suggestions!
Betsy
This feels basic, but ask about what days/times they are unavailable for showings and whether they have backup to enable the house to be shown during those times. As a buyer I’ve had a few times where a house I wanted to see just wasn’t available at any time that was convenient for me, and that seems like it is most likely to be an issue with the young family market that you are catering towards.
anon
In my area, the seller’s agent is never present at the buyer’s visit. It’s all done with lockboxes and keys and a scheduling system so YMMV.
Anon
Last time I sold a house I selected an agent who had successfully sold a house down the street in a a week’s time. My house sold after one showing. I know some of it’s luck and market conditions, but having someone who knows your neighborhood is key as others have stated.
Anonymous
FWIW I used a friend who didn’t know our area at all, both when we bought and when we sold. No complaints. For selling, the trick is that they know enough about the comps to talk intelligently to buyers — in your situation I’m not sure comps would be local but rather other old homes or renovating old homes. But good area, good school district are both easy talking points.
Realtor
THANK YOU for all your input.
One question – Is it ok to meet with a Realtor now to get their recommendations of what things I need to fix in the house and the details of selling, is that ok if I am not yet sure of my date to sell? I will probably sell in fall/winter (or next spring at the very latest). But I would rather get on top of repairs soon, as it is hard to find people to hire to do the work where I am. And would I sign a contract with them now, or closer to when I am ready to sell?
Anon
Yes. I’ve heard agents suggest contacting them a year in advance. That seems extreme, but you are well under that. We went the opposite direction: interviewed 2 agents over the weekend, hired one on Tuesday, listed the house Friday, had a contract on Saturday, and closed in under 3 weeks, but your way works, too. But really-don’t sweat repairs. If you’re living in it, it’s habitable.
Senior Attorney
Yes, that’s fine. Realtors play the long game.
anon for this
Start talking to them now but don’t sign anything until much closer. In my area the standard listing agreement is 4 months, that can be negotiated too (another thing to ask about).
Since you are planning ahead, you may also want to ask their perspective on the best time to list. If schools are a main selling point for your home, they may say to wait until mid-spring as many families want to move after the school year ends. Real estate is highly seasonal, there’s almost nothing on the market where I am between Halloween and Super Bowl Sunday.
Anon
So I don’t know if this is A Thing in all areas, but we got a pre-sale inspection from a local inspection company, because we wanted an idea of what was wrong with the house before we even went to list it. The pre-sale inspection found some pretty important things that needed fixing, including aluminum wiring in an addition that we didn’t know was there (and somehow had not come up on the inspection when we bought the house). We had to get that fixed, along with several other things. When we sold the house, the buyer’s inspection came back relatively clean because we’d already addressed all the major issues that were highlighted in our report. I have heard some advice not to do this, but it worked out well for us.
Will also add. There is a tipping point at which it stops making sense to do cosmetic “refreshing” or updates and to just sell the house expecting that you’ll find a buyer that sees the potential and is more than happy to do the updates themselves. We had some worn carpet in the upstairs of our house and our kitchen countertops were dated, but I didn’t feel the investment into replacing those things was worth it. We did fix anything having to do with plumbing, HVAC, electrical, and we also had the interior repainted (which was badly needed and I had almost done before we even thought about selling the house; we had a couple of rooms we’d never painted and one of them had the old 1990s wallpaper border at the top). We had the windows cleaned; we had the tile guy come in and replace some chipped or cracked tiles. But if I’d wanted to do a full remodel of our home, I would have done it and kept living there. It was not an HGTV-style showplace but we weren’t asking that level of pricing for it, either. Some Realtors are really big on trying to make houses look like the “afters” on HGTV; if you interview someone and that’s how they seem oriented, I would keep looking for a different Realtor.
Anonymous
Only do a pre-sale inspection if you’re willing to fix or disclose everything on it. You cannot deny knowledge about anything once you’ve done that. Sometimes blissful ignorance is the better option.
Anonymous
Yes, we weighed the pros and cons and had it done anyway because A. our house was not that old, and we had already had extensive remodeling done (complete with post-construction city inspection) so we felt like we knew most of the major issues. B. at the time we had it done, we were weighing whether or not to move within the next few months or a couple of years down the road – we didn’t have to make an immediate move – and so we figured, if major things get revealed, we have time to fix them if need be; we’re in no hurry to leave. When the electrical issue with the aluminum wiring came up, it was a surprise, but because we weren’t under contract, we could get a few quotes and talk to a few people about the right way to get it fixed, and then pick the contractor we wanted to do the work. I would definitely think twice if I were selling a very old house that hadn’t been updated (or maybe even carefully maintained) in a lot of years, as you just don’t know what the inspection will uncover.
brokentoe
If Realtor doesn’t want to do much work – sell it “as is” and don’t bother doing anything besides a basic clean and declutter (an empty house may be your best bet in your situation). If you go this route, DO NOT get a pre-inspection because anything it turns up will have to be disclosed to the buyer if you choose not to make the repair. If a buyer has an inspection and then walks away/breaks the contract, DO NOT ask what was uncovered in the inspection because you would then have to disclose the deficiency to the next buyer if you do not fix it (e.g., bad wiring, broken furnace, etc.). An ethical realtor does not want to know either because at least in my state, they have the same duty as the homeowner to disclose known issues.
Anon
Ask for their portfolio of sold homes. Look online at houses for sale in your area that are more or less similar to your home and see whose name pops up the most. Don’t forget to look at the sold filter.
anon
A midlife marriage question. DH and I are in our 40s, coming up on 20 years of marriage. Overall, I would describe our marriage as solid and strong. But, we’re also in a phase where it sometimes feels like we’re ships passing in the night. Between raising kids, work, and some elder care responsibilities, we’re just stretched thin in this phase of life. Needless to say, the romantic aspects of our relationship are suffering, both from lack of time and energy. Any words of wisdom for marriage in this stage of life? It feels distinctly different from the “raising tiny kids” phase, which was challenging in its own way. I feel like people don’t talk much about this part. Like it’s understood that having small kids can be hard on a marriage. But having teens, tweens, and aging parents is a tricky combination, too.
Anon
No words of wisdom, but you can preach it to me all day long.
Anon
Set a weekly date night.
Anon
+1 – it’s more important than ever to connect with each other. And find time to talk about everything, when you don’t know where the other person is, it’s easy to drift.
Anon
+1. It really is this simple (and this difficult). I am 20+ years in and we went through a phase where I felt like we barely saw each other, between work, work travel, kid commitments, housework, stuff going on with parents, etc. I had to intentionally say, “I feel like we need to spend more time together” and then we had to sit down with our calendars and schedule it out to make it happen.
One of our favorite things in the world is to go to the food hall near our house that has a brewery in it, and get Thai food, drink a beer, and spend an hour or so just chatting about nothing. So we started doing that once a week, and it makes a big difference. There’s no other solution that I know or can think of besides just carving out the space and investing the time.
Cb
With an external stimulus. New activity, theatre, board game, food. Give yourselves something new to talk about besides life logistics.
Anon
We went to a board game library on date night a few weeks ago and it was really fun!
Anon
Or alternatively, impromptu weeknight date night. Like go out to a nice dinner at 530 on a Tuesday if you can swing it. Way better than crowded weeknights. Or, more low key, get drive thru, drop the tailgate at a park and eat junk food like you are teenagers.
Anon
Agree. You have a million priorities and you need to make each other one of them.
Anon
It’s hard. FTR, dh and I are through that stage and out on the other side. Our kiddos are adults, launched, supporting themselves, and we all still like each other. We are still dealing with elder care of my mil, which is the most difficult of all of the elder care, but we got through my mother’s stroke, my FIL’s dementia, two very different teens both with pretty intense teen-hoods. A sense of humor and an sense of grace helped. I feel like assuming good intentions and sneaking in a few minutes every week to connect helped.
anon
It may sound cheesy, but I really believe in the concept of love languages. I think it’s important to make an attempt to “speak” the other person’s language so they feel loved. I also think you have to be intentional about setting time aside for each other, like a date night or some activity that will get you out of the house and away from the day-to-day stuff.
Anonymous
Try to set aside one day/night a week to do something special together, even if that doesn’t always mean an actual leave the house date. If you can, maybe a weekend away. If not, a day trip together on a Saturday. Something that gets you out of the grind, even if briefly, and alone together.
Anonymous
Yes, the something special doesn’t have to be big, if it’s meaningful. We will do ‘dates’ where we get favorite take out and watch a movie that one of us knows and one of us doesn’t. We often pause it to chat about something that pops into our head too. It is not exciting, but its a connection for us.
Anon
We have a favorite local sushi place that has bento box lunch specials. We sneak out for lunch during the workday and just have a $15 lunch together.
Anonymous
Lunch is a great mini-date. Might actually be my favorite kind of date.
Anon
We try to go for a walk every night before or after dinner. Sometimes it’s late, while our teens are taking their showers and getting ready for bed. We find this to be an easy way to squeeze in a half hour of conversation into a busy schedule with the added bonus of fresh air and exercise. Otherwise we’d be at home doing chores or vegging in front of the tv. We do date nights too but those are harder to schedule.
Anonymous
The sleeves on this blouse look too puffy to be comfortable. Maybe the cotton is soft enough it won’t be an issue, but then it might be too wrinkled for work.
We saw the movie You Hurt My Feelings last night, and really enjoyed it. Smart, funny, and great performances by several actors. Highly recommend, especially if you like NYC settings.
Anon
My dad and I want to see this movie so much but it’s not playing in any theaters near us…small town problems.
Anon
I just bought a blouse from Gap that is shaped kinda like this but with even puffier sleeves. The fabric is so thin and drapey they don’t stick out at all. I really like it.
ISO Audiobooks
I have an audiobook credit. The book recommendations here are always so helpful so I’m wondering if anyone has any good audiobook recommendations. I’m open to most things except true crime and mysteries. Thanks!
Anon
I’m currently listening to Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari and am loving it! Highly recommend!
Cb
An older one but I loved Piranesi on audio, and A Burning was amazing because it had different voice actors for each of the roles.
Anan
If your credit is on Audible, there is a new multi cast version of Good Omens by Gaiman and Pratchett that I’ve been finding delightful.
Senior Attorney
I really enjoyed The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson on audiobook. It’s about the Great Migration of African Americans from the south to the north in the first half(ish) of the 20th century.
Senior Attorney
I really enjoyed The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson on audiobook. It’s about the Great Migration of African Americans from the south to the north in the first half(ish) of the 20th century.
Senior Attorney
Ugh… epistolary
Anon
I was going to suggest this one too! I’m not normally an audiobook fan but this one was GREAT.
JHC
I listened to Caste by Isabel Wilkerson on audiobook and enjoyed it. It was a good way to digest a dense and tough topic.
Anonymous
if you like YA fantasy/magic school – I’m listening to the fourth wing and like it!
Chief Membership
Is anyone part of the Chief private women’s networking group or have thoughts on the organization?
Anonymous
I looked into it briefly a couple years back and decided it was not worth it. They were only just setting up in my city and they weren’t discounting the price to reflect that. I don’t know that I would’ve really joined because I’m not sure I believe in the value of women-only marketing.
Anon
Once upon a time, I looked into it and they wanted like 10k to join. I’m already networked so seemed nuts to me. They started emailing marketing spam again so I’m thinking they’re hurting. But I’m also cynical.
Anon
I also get emails after saying no. I emailed to ask they remove me from the list, no dice.
Anonymous
mark as spam and block if you have no further interest.
Anon
I feel like if I took $10K of my own money and bought lunch for everyone relevant to me in my city, that would be $ well spent. [And would take years to burn through that much.] Not sure re something like Chief.
Anonymous
I think those things are like country clubs – only really useful from a work perspective if you’re looking for clients or building a book of business.
Anon
I applied, and they reached out about an interview. I inquired about membership, and it was about $8K (!). No thanks! I don’t see the value in that, and my employer wouldn’t pay for it.
Anon
They contacted me. My profession is so niche there is almost no chance I’d actually meet contacts that would lead to business. I volunteer on some committees and speak at conferences for that. So what would be the purpose? Buying some new friends?
Anonymous
Does anyone have a cut flower garden? What do you grow, and have you timed it so you can make certain arrangements through the summer? Just cut my peonies and they’re looking lonely in their vase… bought 3 lisianthus plants for later in the summer, loved those for cut flowers last year.
Anon
We have flowers for cutting! Zinnias, cosmos, and marigolds are the main ones, though we also have roses we will cut occasionally. My boyfriend works at a local flower farm on the weekends, and they have so many— bachelor buttons, celosia, larkspur, gladiolus, and foxglove are all in season right now.
Anon
+1 to Zinnias. The more you cut from them the more they produce. They’re also super drought tolerant. It’s a staple in my garden each year.
Anon
I didn’t know this!
I just bought some Zinnias because I read they will help draw bees etc.. to my vegetable garden. How often do you cut/harvest the flowers?
Anonymous
Google “chelsea chop” flower cutting (this works with a lot of different types of flowers)
Anon
I’m the 11:20am poster, I’m not familiar with Chelsea drop. For Zinnias, I read somewhere to wait to cut until you can hold the stem of the flower about 6-8″ away from the head, and then lightly shake it. If the flower is kind if rigid and doesn’t sway around. They’re ready for cutting. Usually the flower is good for about 1-2 weeks.
Anonymous
+2 to zinnias. Easy to grow and birds like the seeds if you leave some of the flowers. I mostly plant native perennials, but I make an exception for zinnias.
Anonymous
Oh, and you can plant zinnia seeds in succession and have flowers into the late Fall.
Anonymous
Yep! I do tulips, peonies, iris, zinnia, dahlias, and then also cheat and add gerbera daisies from the nursery.
Anonymous
In my last home I had dahlias for cutting (cafe au lait dinner plates) I also did cosmos and zinnias but I liked the dahlias the best.
Anon
I have roses with are a de facto cutting garden. I don’t often cut other types of flowers even though I have them. The Gerbera daisies would make good cut flowers but they’re so pretty and the flowers last forever when they’re still attached to the plant.
Since I have about a dozen rose bushes, something is always blooming until late fall (but I’m in Nor Cal so ymmv)
Anon
When you met your long-term partner, how strong was the immediate chemistry? Thinking about relationships overall, did the amount of instant chemistry provide any insight into how the relationship would go?
Anon
For me, it wasn’t instant. I liked him, but I didn’t feel the urge to garden and it could have easily been a friend vibe. And for me, that was healthy. Partners I gardened with in the first couple dates ultimately didn’t go anywhere. But now we’re married, and I’m glad I gave him a chance and kept seeing him. It allowed us to build a deeper connection.
Cornellian
I agree with this. I think sometimes if the chemistry feels intense it may indiciate things are a bit unstable. I definitely don’t think you should continue to see anyone if the vibes are off, but I think a pleasant respectful vibe can be built upon if you’re looking for a long-term thing.
Seventh Sister
One of my most instant chemistry relationships was definitely about me being lonely and sad and completely stressed out. I overlooked every single yellow, orange, and red flag.
Anon
Hard same. The guy I’ve had the most intense chemistry with was terrible for me.
Anon
+1. Fell in love, crashed and burned
Anon
There was immediate, intense chemistry for us. But I don’t think the absence of immediate chemistry is a bad sign – it can definitely develop over time.
NYCer
Same here. And I agree with the second point as well.
Anon
I am one of those people who knew on our first date that we would get married. The chemistry – visceral chemistry – was not strong, but neither of us incline much in that direction.
Immediate chemistry is not something I have felt very often in my life, and I dated for 20 years before I met my husband. For me, the biggest predictor of how a relationship would go was literal gut level intuition. I sometimes got ill before a first date, even with an allegedly great guy who got the big thumbs up from mutual friends, and those relationships wrecked me.
Seventh Sister
Not very strong. I liked him, but it wasn’t till I got to know him a bit that I was like, “this is the person I want to be with long term.” Basically, I kind of knew by the second date, and it might have been faster if I hadn’t dated every a-hole in LA before I met him.
Some of the most instant chemistry relationships I’ve had were also The Worst (TM).
anon
No immediate chemistry from meeting and hanging out. Intense immediate chemistry upon first kiss.
Anon
Same here. My DH was not my physical “type” and I don’t think I was his. We hung out as friends for a long time, and I liked him and started really looking forward to spending time with him, but I still wasn’t thinking about him in a wholly romantic way. He finally made a move one night when we were hanging out by ourselves, and – wow. The physical chemistry was off-the-charts amazing and similar to what others are saying – 20+ years, it still is. The physical connection we have has sustained us through some tough times when we didn’t even really like each other, lol. (Not really, just massive stress and too much going on and not a lot of connection.) Even through tough seasons of our marriage, the gardening has always been good. It’s less frequent than it used to be, but it’s still great.
anon
We definitely had a friendship spark and connection immediately. The physical chemistry (for me, at least) grew over time. And honestly, that deep friendship and emotional connection is what has sustained us through the ups and downs of life. The gardening was never bad but it has only gotten better with time. I have no complaints. We’re 20 years in, and one of the happier couples I know.
anonshmanon
Same for me. Instant chemistry for banter and I-want-to-hang-out-with-this-guy attraction. Physical chemistry grew over a few weeks. Going well 12 years and counting.
anon
Ditto
Anonymous
another ditto
Anon
Immediate and intense, and that was both shocking and terrifying because I’d never had that reaction to someone before and because he was married to someone else. Fortunately, when we reconnected after his divorce 7 years later, it was still there. We’ve been together 5 years and married for 2 and it’s still unlike any other relationship I’ve had (and I had also been married before).
Anonymous
We were friends immediately. Partners in crime. We were each dating someone else. I encouraged him to get out of his relationship because she was awful (she was!). 8 months later I dumped my boyfriend for this guy when I realized I wanted to see him (platonically) more than my boyfriend (who was driving me bonkers). We were immediately the hand-hold-y gross kind of couple, which was funny as neither of us had ever been like that before.
Anon
It was off the charts and still is. Even when we are mad at each other. We’ve been married 23 years.
Anon
Overwhelming and instantaneous. I felt like I was in middle school all over again.
Anonymous
Ha! “I felt like I was in middle school again.” This is how I described the moment I fell for my current BF. It was startling as I am closing in on 50. But I am not chiming in on the OP, as we’ve dated for less than a year.
Anonymous
What is your default font of choice? I saw someone making fun of Calibri and now feel bad, but Times New Roman feels so old school.
Anon
Garamond. Hands down. My office has elected, for some unknown reason, to use Arial as our default, and I just can’t with it.
Anonymous
Who did you see making fun of Calibri, and is the person credible or important to you? For example, did you see a font snob commenting on social media, or did your manager indicate that she doesn’t want your team using the font?
I love fonts. I use Times for stuffy, formal, or academic things. Different good-looking serif fonts for typesets of lots of text (more classic for more formal applications, and softer/rounder for friendlier items). Sans-serif for some business applications, and more distinctive fonts for headings or subheads.
Cornellian
With the caveat that I am a lawyer, I draft documents in Times New Roman, which I think is still the standard. For emails I use whatever the default sans serif is in in my outlook.
Anonymous
Garamond for personal things, but I still use Times New Roman for most work things (Lawyer; things filed with the court generally specify permissible fonts anyway and TNR is pretty much always a safe option)
Anon
I am that person who really likes Comic Sans, especially if you throw in italics. BUT I used to be a free-hand lettering person and then did typesetting and I still have a real fondness for serifs (I think they improve readability of things in giant signs that you need to read from a distance).
anonshmanon
People in tech love to mock Comic Sans, but apparently it is an easier to read font for folks with reading disabilities, so now when I hear cool kids mock Comic Sans for no good reason, I like to ‘well, actually’ them.
Nesprin
Helvetica.
Anonymous
Georgia
Anonymous
Using bookman old style on my internal reports is a small pleasure of mine.
Anon
I have a vision disorder, and would never make fun of someone’s font choice because it makes a big difference in readability, especially for people with disabilities. I personally prefer Times New Roman or something similar when reading large blocks of text (always left justified, center justified is such a struggle for me to read). Sans serif typefaces are generally harder for me to read, though they’re okay in short emails or power point if the font size is large enough. However, I know that people with dyslexia can have different issues, and I’ve actually heard that Comic Sans can be helpful. though I’ve also heard that it might be more about the spacing than the letter shapes.
Anon
Just adding, I actually find Calibri to be fairly readable as far as sans serif fonts go, though I often have to make it bigger to read comfortably, so I’d still prefer Times New Roman. TNR seems to hit a very good balance of readability with cramming in a lot of words per page, which is key for me, since I have trouble with eye tracking and having to scroll more to read the same amount of text is problematic.
anon
Calibri, mostly because that’s what everything at my company is programmed with (sometimes Arial) and I don’t really ever work on a computer outside of work.
Anon
I was taught that Arial is the most disability-friendly so that’s what I tend to use.
Anon
I have my own business and thought a lot about fonts because I want to have a consistent image. I actually bought a MVB font for my business cards/website. So for written correspondence I use that one, but for anything numbers (which is basically what I do, the meat of my work) I use Arial because when you have a lot of numbers on a page, they need to be clear.
Lucille
I like Times New Roman. This book (free to read online) is a really interesting quick read about typology: https://typographyforlawyers.com/
Anon
I loved this book! So fun to see it here
Anonymous
At work I use whatever font my employer’s design program has chosen, we have strict style rules.
My private font of choice is Garamond, Palatino at a pinch.
For sans serifs I used to do a lot of Gill Sans, but now I have less use for a regular sans font.
I don’t mind Calibri, but am old enough to have learned to dislike Helvetica. I prefer Times to Times New Roman in terms of esthetics, and find Times easier to read in smaller size than Times New Roman, which seems to blob below 12.
Anon
How would you address being fired after a couple months of work when the company and recruiter had sent out a press release announcing your hiring?
This has been a traumatic experience. The boss was extremely toxic and irratic. I had received no warnings and did not expect this. As soon as I started, there were clear red flags, from the work being hybrid (nope) to being able to re-hire a team that had quit (nope) to the expectation of how many hours I’d work, plus really weird things like my boss showing me her dating app matches and demanding I share my clothes and jewelry with her. Nonetheless I wanted to stick it out because I was in a public facing executive role and didn’t want to job hop.
It’s been a few months, and I’m actively job searching. In several interviews, recruiters have googled me and saw the previous position announcement. It leads to assumptions I didn’t take the role and questions about why not. I have addressed it by explaining that the role was described as hybrid and then ultimately was fully in person, and I wasn’t looking for a 2 hour commute. (I’ve also had candidates for the re-posted job reach out to ask what happened, but that’s another issue.)
On my resume, I don’t have a gap. I’ve been working variable hours on a separate contract, and I have that listed for the last year. I don’t have any other gaps on my 15+ year resume.
Any other tips to explain what happened? I don’t want to go into the specifics. I know no good can come of that.
Anon
Your explanation seems fine to me, assuming you’re interviewing for hybrid or remote roles. It would be a little weird to say you don’t want to work in person if you’re interviewing for a fully in person job.
Anon
In person vs in person with a 2-hour commute are IMO different creatures. I could be in-office if it were 2 miles from my house. Not 2 hours away.
Anon
You’re right, I missed that part. I think it’s a fine explanation then.
Anon
It’s so weird to me that employers don’t understand this. Even if my employer believes I am within “commuting distance” of the office, I believe I do not want to spend 4 hours each day commuting back and forth to work. Even if it’s only 3 days a week. I’ll just get another job, thanks anyway.
Ellen
Yes, I walk to work and that is the reason I haven’t bought a place in Chapaqua where my sister lives. It’s too far to waste time on the train every day going to and from Weschester to NYC. My time is to precius to waste on the train comutting back and forth every day, waiting for trains and busses that don’t show up. Freezing my tuchus off on the train platform. No way, Hozee!
Lots to Learn
Are you saying that your resume doesn’t reflect your short stint at the toxic company? I think that’s a mistake, because it makes you look like you lied on your resume, when people Google you and find out you worked there. I think you should list the short stint on your resume and explain it exactly like you have been doing – maybe even reference in your cover letter, if it’s a huge elephant in the room. I think it’s much more important to be honest on your resume (even while spun to make you look good) than to worry about one short stint in a 15+ year career.
Anonymous
It is completely ok to not include everything on a resume. A resume is to show your relevant qualifications, not list every job. A couple of months at a job is very unlikely to have improved your qualifications or to have meaningful job accomplishments. It’s not dishonest or a lie to leave out something thats basically irrelevant to your ability to do a job.
Anon
+1 yeah I have never understood the stance here that it is “lying” to omit a job from a resume. If the interviewer says “What did you do in between Job A and Job C?” and you find a way to talk around Job B, then that’s sketchy. But a resume is a highlight reel of relevant positions, it’s not necessary to include everything that was brief or irrelevant. (I’ve changed careers twice as an adult, so I’ve pretty much never had a resume that lists all my jobs and it’s been fine.)
Anon
Um no, your user name is correct, you do have lots to learn.
texasanon
I think you have to edit your resume so it shows the toxic company and your super short stint there. People are going to google you and right now they think you are lying. It’s going to be something you have to explain but I think you need it on your resume up front.
Anonymous
I disagree with this- IMO, listing the short stint is just as likely to get her resume tossed before people take the time to Google. And, by the way, many companies advise recruiters and hiring managers not to Google before making an offer (or at least before meeting) to avoid making/being accused of making screening decisions based on protected characteristics.
Anonymous
Where’s the lie? A resume doesn’t have to include every job.
Anon
First, ask the company to delete the press release from its website.
Second, see if you can get the company to officially change your termination to a layoff or mutual separation. You might need to speak to an attorney. Women can be discriminatory and your boss showing you dating matches and asking to borrow your clothes might fall under that rubric enough to convince your former company to modify the termination.
I would probably say something like “It became apparent that the role was a bad match and not as advertised. There are minor annoyances, such as it being advertised as hybrid (important because I lived an hour away) and then the requirement became daily in office. While I got that accommodation in writing before taking the role, it put me in an awkward position – what was I going to do, sue my new company? [Clean this up a bit?] It extended to substantive issues, such as not being given any authority to hire the team I needed to hire. [Explain this further.]”
If the interviewer keeps discussing, consider mentioning the jewelry issue – use her exact words and any repercussions you faced. Follow that up immediately with “it was not appropriate in a professional environment.”
AnonSatOfc
I had a slightly different situation – I realized quickly that a job was not for me and the state of the co/goals/resources had been misrepresented. I gave a someone sanitized version of that in interviews, people were surprisingly sympathetic and a lot of my interviewees “got it” better than I would have expected. I ultimately spent just shy of a year there before moving on to a MUCH better fit, but started applying and having interviews within a few months of hire so had those conversations starting ~4 mo mark. I did list the short term job on my resume (I had a few “achievements” early on and didn’t have that contractor bridge that you did) but it honestly didn’t seem to hurt me much once I had the opportunity to speak with people in an interview. If someone is going to judge you based on your short term job and will not give you an explanation to explain, there’s nothing you can do about it as they won’t be talking to you/inviting you to interview.
So, TLDR, I’d just address it in the interview as you are doing, and expect a lot of people will say “so what happened with….” and then you can explain. Good luck!
Anonymous
Stick with what you are doing. No one will question wanting to change a job to avoid a 2 hour commute.
Return to office vent
Why do employers think it is okay to tell employees they can move across the country and be fully remote, then suddenly tell those same employees they have to go into a random office 3x week??? My partner’s move/remote work status had approval high up in the organization and by HR, and no one ever suggested he would need to go into an office. Now they have decided everyone needs to go back to an office. The office they picked is an hour away and he won’t be working with anyone while there!! Jokes on them because they are going to lose a high performer who otherwise would have stayed at this job until they retired.
Anon
I mean, that’s going to happen. Companies make decisions, workers make decisions, and the great sorting-out is happening.
Anonymous
This. It’s an actually a great tactic to reduce staff without layoffs.
Anonymous
Exactly.
Anon
I agree, it’s absolutely ridiculous. Companies are losing good people to these kinds of shenanigans. It’s very hard to replace them – we are really struggling with that lately.
Seventh Sister
I think they are just trying to lower headcount, but doing so in a very lazy/stupid way. It’s exactly the sort of decision that Michael Scott / Lumbergh in Office Space / Job in Arrested Development would make, just with real managers and real people.
Anonymous
Anecdotally it seems like there’s a lot of space between the “official” policy and what people are actually doing. I have a bunch of friends in similar circumstances and they just don’t go in. No one knows if they’re in the office anyway. Idk if that’s an option for your DH.
Anonymous
bc employers do not want to pay you to sit at home. that’s it. sorry. prepare to be replaced by AI as fast as possible if you can’t show your face and pretend to be a team player. if this sounds harsh, it is but it is accurate.
Anon
Employers who pay people to sit in an office and show their face are not going to be able to compete w/employers who pay people to work.
Anon
Preach.
Anonymous
I think this is correct. It’s just the way of things.
Anonymous
My previous job I went to the office every day, said hi to the assistant at the desk near mine, sat down, and proceeded to talk to no one else. No one ever came by to talk with me or was interested if I went to speak to them. I met with my boss twice a year. The only reason to go to the office was because my boss preferred it. I definitely was ok with leaning out since the only thing that seemed to matter was me being at my desk ‘showing my face’.
Now in my new job, I work from home. I speak to colleagues daily via chat or video call. I meet with my boss weekly virtually and a few times a year I travel to the main office in person. I start earlier because I don’t have a commute and am ten times more likely to do a little extra in the evenings after dinner. I would estimate I am about 10% more productive at home.
In which situation am I more of a team player?
Anon
1. AI can’t do my job. I’ve been working remote since before the pandemic – yes, remote work has been a thing since before the pandemic – and whether or not I “show my face in the office,” the work gets done. Employers who are not stuck in a dated, no-longer-useful mindset realize this and are attracting better talent because they don’t stay mired in a mentality that “the way we did things in 1950 was good enough and that’s how we’re going to do things forevermore, darn it!” (P.S. – are you the lady in the neighborhood who tells those ruffian kids to get off your lawn, also?)
2. My employer got rid of a lot of office space and isn’t going to build/buy more. Almost everyone is remote or at least hybrid. Some employers get this, and some don’t. Those who don’t are going to get better people, who do better work more efficiently, and move their businesses forward. Even people who don’t want to work fully remote (I am one of them) don’t want to go back to an 8-5, M-F in the office schedule. People are doing flex hours (real flex, not “I guess it’s okay if you come in late from a doctor’s appointment sometimes”), 4-day workweeks, etc. Even if we go into a recession, in a lot of professions there aren’t enough really smart, hardworking, qualified people to fill positions. Those people generally want flexible jobs and some level of WFH. Adapt or become irrelevant in the employer marketplace, and yes – you, as an employer, have to sell yourself to people. Especially if you want to hire top-notch Gen Z employees at some point – they are going to have no time for your BS.
Here’s your friendly reminder that not all of us are lawyers. My job is not one where someone can feed a question or request into ChatGPT and get a response back that’s as good, or better, than what a person can create. Or generate an entire legal filing with the push of a button. If you’re worried about AI and you’re a lawyer, not sure that “face time in the office” is going to save you, TBH. Never too late for a career change! Post if you want some suggestions.
Anon
Not a lawyer but ChatGPT isn’t replacing lawyers anytime soon.
Seventh Sister
I am a lawyer and I’m rather skeptical of AI replacing *all* the lawyers. Some, maybe.
Anon
First of all: Do you actually work with AI? Or even in a tech-adjacent field? I only ever hear this kind of “AI is going to replace your job” concern from people who know very little about the underlying technology. Yes, it can do some impressive things, but it’s still in its infancy. It hallucinates, presents blatant lies as fact, leans heavily on biases, and has a very limited ability to synthesize information while maintaining critical nuance. It’s not anywhere remotely close to being able to replace experienced workers in the sort of white collar, intellectually demanding roles that the ladies on this board tend to have.
Also, to add to the chorus: This is a ridiculous attitude to have in a modern workplace. My team (tech consulting) has been all-remote since long before Covid. We’re spread out all over the country because we hire the best talent for the role, regardless of geographic location. If we physically go into the office, we still wouldn’t be in the same state (or often time zone) as the other people we need to work with. When I’m remote, I can jump from a working session with my east coast client to a presentation with my midwestern client to a pitch to a west coast client seamlessly within the same day. I have close friendships and meaningful mentor/mentee relationships with colleagues that I’ve never met in person. How is it remotely relevant whether I’m doing this all from my home office vs an office owned by my company? Maybe it’s time to take a look around and realize that the rest of the professional world has learned how to collaborate virtually, and the fact that you haven’t kept up is *your* problem.
Anonymous
DH is a wonderful, supportive, and equal partner. I almost never have to ask him to do things around the house because if he sees something that needs doing, he will do it. On the rare occasion that I ask, though, it is like pulling teeth to get him to do the thing. If it’s something I can do I just do it, these are things I don’t know how to do/don’t have access to/don’t feel comfortable doing. I’ve tried a collaborative approach (let’s do it together!), or asking when he thinks it can be done, or if I can do anything, but he shuts down. I’m at a loss here.
Examples: 1) he insisted on a fancy security system but we still don’t have a doorbell camera, and now we don’t have a doorbell because the security guy took it apart. This was 6 months ago, doorbell is still in pieces. I have no idea why it’s not done, and DH gets annoyed when I ask what’s going on. 2) he wanted hanging flower baskets for the front porch. I didn’t, our porch is on a steep hill and it makes me deeply uncomfortable to get on a ladder on the edge of the porch. He can reach the hooks without a ladder but I can’t. The flowers died and it took many weeks of asking for him to take them down. I finally snapped at him because we were having company in under an hour, and he was stompy and annoyed, and also passive aggressively left the baskets on the porch but didn’t tell me, which fortunately I saw before our guests arrived. The first example seems like an executive function issue; he hit some kind of road block and isn’t finding the motivation to keep pushing for it to be fixed. I’m not sure what the deal is with the second example. I appreciate any thoughts or advice!
Nesprin
If he doesn’t think that a task like the doorbell camera is a priority, he won’t do it, and asking him to do so repeatedly clearly hasn’t worked well. I’d suggest that you ask once then hire a handyman/buy the tool to do it yourself.
Senior Attorney
This is super easy: You just hire it out. He plainly isn’t going to do these things, so that’s your only reasonable alternative. If you feel like you need to give him advance warning, tell him: “DH, I really need the doorbell put back together, so if it’s not done by June 4 I’m going to just hire somebody so you don’t have to worry about it any more.”
And if it’s not something that can be hired out, I think the only alternatives are to let it go (price of admission) or just accept that it’s going to be a fight (like the flower baskets) and accept that as a price of admission and shrug your shoulders and get on with your life.
Anon
+1 to all of this wisdom.
Anon
Have you drawn his attention to the pattern and asked him what the issue is? My guess is he hates feeling “nagged” and it just doesn’t come up much because he’s generally proactive.
Once you point out how unsupportive it is, given he seems otherwise great it might be that he makes the effort to correct the issue. I wouldn’t give up on it as a “cost of admission” without at least having the discussion. I also would start thinking twice about facilitating things that he wants but I don’t (e.g. the hanging baskets) if he’s not going to pull his weight with the upkeep and I’d point that out to him.
Anon
Okay, I think your frustrations are totally valid, but I also think your frustration is causing you to ascribe malice that isn’t there. “also passive aggressively left the baskets on the porch but didn’t tell me, which fortunately I saw before our guests arrived.” I mean, were your guests Charles and Camilla? Having guests see dead flowers is not the end of the world.
Anonymous
I can be like your husband, and from my POV: it’s not passive aggressive or motivation thing. It’s definitely not AT you.
Unless I’m in project mode, I genuinely don’t notice if the thing doesn’t bother me in itself. Doorbell not working? People can knock, so not urgent. Flowers dead? That’s what flowers do. I’ll take them down whenever I find new ones that I like. It would not feel urgent or inspire priority. Bathroom light bulb needs changing? I’ll do it immediately, and buy the replacement for next time. If there’s some research needed that can pause a project, but not if it feels urgent to me.
I guess my advice would be to ask at a time where it’s likely that he has time right now, for the small stuff. Don’t say “Can you do X?” that will read as “Can you do X at a time which you find suitable some time in the future?” in which case it will be mentally sorted as whenever he would naturally think it’s a priority, which might be never. Instead it might work if you do “Could you do X now? It’s important/urgent to me, and I’m not able to do it.” “Can you help me do X? I’m want to do it right now, and I need your help”. If it’s a research project like the camera, “Can you help me research the door bell camera. I want to do it now,”
Of course he’s not actually helping you, when it’s stuff that’s for the both of you, but it’s a way to break the way his priorities are sorted.
Trixie
My husband is similar…I keep a running list of things that need doing around the house, and post it on the frig. I include things that I plan to do. My husband hates to be told what to do. The list is easier for him. I have no idea why, but it works much better.
Anon
Yeah, my husband does lots of handyman work and traditional domestic work around the house as well. But he resents a honey do list from me. If it is important, I ask him if I we should hire someone and most often, the answer is yes.
DC area boat tour or charter?
Any DC/Baltimore/Annapolis area recommendations to charter a boat/yacht for an afternoon? It’s my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary and I wanted to do something special. In my mind we would bring a picnic lunch and hang out on a boat for a few hours. It would involve 6 adults and 4 kids. All my search results have come up with companies with a 6 person limit. I’ve never done this before, so not sure what to even look for, or what the options are or if I’m using the right erminology (Is it called chartering if we need someone else to captain the vessel?)
Or, alternatively, any other ideas for a 50th anniversary celebration in the DC area- something a little more than just dinner. My parents are very into hiking and being outdoors and hanging out with their grandchildren and history. They don’t drink.
Senior Attorney
I think the search term you want is “party boat.” Me personally, I want to go on this one: https://seasuitecruises.com/locations/potomac-tiki-club-georgetown-cruise/
DC Inhouse Counsel
I’ve been on that tiki one! It was a blast!
Smokey
I see a few possible options on this website: https://www.expertise.com/md/baltimore/boat-charters.
Smokey
I thought I posted but don’t see it, so sorry if this is appears twice. I saw several possible option this website: https://www.expertise.com/md/baltimore/boat-charters.
Anon
Or try “Potomac river cruises.” Most leave from Georgetown is my understanding. My firm does one every summer for our summer associates – always fun!
In the spirit of history, there’s something like this that does Mount Vernon: https://www.cityexperiences.com/washington-dc/city-cruises/mount-vernon-cruise/
Shelle
I saw a cruise floating on the water a few weeks ago and looked up the company out of curiosity because the people sure looked like they were having fun! Full disclosure I’ve never tried it but Trip Advisor says they have a few options up to a 74-person boat. Their company website says you can charter a boat or tag on to a regular scheduled boat cruise. The website is Ride The Boomerang dot com
M
Late to post, but check out the Schooner Woodwind in Annapolis. They do public and private cruises. Great crew, beautiful boat, lovely scenery.
Anon
My FIL is being admitted into a memory care facility tomorrow. My husband is going to be the person physically packing and moving FIL’s furniture into his room. So he’ll be right in the thick of this transition with MIL.
In a lot of ways, this will be so good for FIL and MIL. MIL is burnt-out from caregiving for the last several years and FIL has progressed with his dementia to the point that it’s become a safety issue for him to be at home. It will also be good for him to be around professionals that are equipped to handle dementia challenges.
I’m mostly concerned for my husband, we’re in our early 30’s, FIL is in his early 60’s. So it seems like we’re on the younger side to be dealing the mental load with elderly decline with our parents.
I was curious if anyone who’s been through something similar has any advice?
My husband is the kind of person to bottle up his feelings. I’m going to encourage he make time for his hobbies the next several days so he has an outlet for letting of steam (ex. running, mountain biking, etc.). He has done a good job of reaching out for therapy when he has needed it in the past. And luckily he does have quite a few things coming up in June that’s he’s looking forward to, so we’re covered there.
Anonymous
When my husband and his siblings finally got their mother moved into memory care, it was a huge relief for all of them. They got to quit worrying about her safety and logistics and dealing with her resistance to everything, give up the burden of caregiving, and enjoy seeing her living a much happier life to the fullest of her capacity.
anon
This is really hard. Having been in a similar situation, my advice is to be a listening ear for your DH when he needs to process things, and to give him the time and space that he needs to be with his parents right now. Understand that your needs may need to temporarily take a back seat. (And yes, that can be really hard. But this is part and parcel of marriage and being there during good times and bad.)
Senior Attorney
Oof! I was doing this for my dad a year ago this month!
The bad news is it’s horribly sad — like a death, really, because you’re packing up the old life and you know he’ll never be going back. The good news, at least in my dad’s case, is that he absolutely thrived in memory care. There were more people around and the caregivers had endless patience and he was MUCH happier there than he had been living in his own apartment. And of course it should go without saying that it will be an incredible blessing for your MIL to be relieved of the day to day caregiving.
I’d say you have a good plan for supporting your husband. He may well get into a reminisce-y mood and of course it’ll be good to encourage that.
Hugs to you both. This is hard.
anon
My great aunt went into memory care about a year ago, and while it was heartbreaking initially, she is THRIVING there. It’s been wonderful to see her more like herself, now that she’s being cared for around the clock, even though her life is obviously very different now. And it was an enormous relief for my cousins, who were extremely stressed from the worry, trying to arrange home care, and hoping nothing went catastrophically wrong.
Anon
I encourage you to talk to the facility and install a Ring camera (you’ll need legal permission to do so). Not because of suspected abuse/neglect, but because we were able to see when our loved one was agitated and needed comforting from someone she remembered or when she was trying to get out of bed without assistance in the middle of the night, etc.
I’d also caution you against babying your husband too much unless you know he’s the type to appreciate it. Particularly during moves (several senior apartments over the years as her condition changed), all I wanted was 1) a proper dinner waiting in the microwave for me whatever time I finally finished for the day, 2) tv/phone to vege out to, 3) sleep, and 4) on days that weren’t totally draining, a chance to catch up on the phone with an old friend and talk about anything other than dementia and nursing homes and bodily functions and rented medical equipment, etc.
anon
Your husband will go through the process of grieving his father while he is still alive. It’s really weird when the body is still here, but the person is not. Search for books and articles on ambiguous loss if you want to understand what is to come in the years ahead.
I would encourage him to not keep it a secret. There are probably unexpected people in his life going through the same thing that can commiserate and laugh about the absurd things that his father may do in the future. Trust me, a certain family members attempts to escape the facility became a family joke based on what she decided to take with her. As time goes on, your husband will learn to meet his father where he is. Sometimes his dad will still have great advice. Other days, it won’t be so great.
Senior Attorney
Oh, this may cut too close to the bone at the moment, but I’ve been listening to a podcast by a guy whose mom has dementia and it’s heartbreaking and also hilarious. It’s called “Let’s Not Be Kidding” and it’s on CBC Podcasts.
Anon
It’s never clear to me that the person is not still there (there are still these moments where they are?). But I understand that they’re not there for us the way we need them to be.
Anon
I mean, I think it depends on the stage of the dementia. By the end of my grandmother’s, she didn’t recognize her daughters or even know that she had daughters, so I think it’s safe to say she wasn’t there. But in early stages it tends to come and go more and it’s not clear how much they’re aware of what’s happening.
OP
Thanks everyone for the insight. It’s nice to hear about people having seen family members doing a lot better in memory care. I’m hoping that’s the case for FIL. The whole family is looking forward to not having to worry about his safety and day to day care as much.
I appreciate the points about giving my husband some space to grieve in his own way and let him do what he needs to do for a while as we adjust.
Runcible Spoon
Just do a lot of gardening with your husband — that is super helpful therapy during stressful times, can help reinforce your closeness, help him express himself non-verbally, and more.
Anon
That is young to be dealing with this. We just did this with my in-laws and my advice is do everything in your power to go with him and help. There’s so much to do getting things set up that an extra pair of hands and a loving spouse to get a drink with at the end of the day make all the difference.
Anon
When a similar thing happened to me I described it as ‘job was significantly different than described’ and ‘pause thoughtfully ‘not a cultural fit’ which comes across diplomatic but like you had way more crazy things to say. Don’t worry too much – lots of people have something like this.
Anon
Does anyone have experience with Special Olympics? I have a child on the autism spectrum and it was suggested as a way to do inclusive sports. I’m really hesitant. Kiddo likes sports, but can’t do team sports; sports like running are OK through or anything individual like swimming. Kiddo goes to regular school and the autism is really a social challenge and has some self-regulatory challenges (vs any sort of physical disability or intellectual limitations, even though traditional noisy classrooms can be overwhelming at times and require headphones to quiet the disruptions). Was this well-meaning but misguided? In our city there may be nowhere else but this and very competitive year-round travel team sports for group sports (which I guess is the difference between taking instruments lessons with a teacher vs playing in a band or youth symphony, both are good, but one is not the other for some people).
Anonymous
I think there is a difference between a special Olympics and inclusive sports more generally. In my town we have TOPPS soccer and adaptive baseball. We have a family friend with a 12 year old with Down’s syndrome who just did a week of “bike camp” which is to teach kids how to ride an (adapted) 2 wheeler in a drained ice rink using progressively more balanc-y bikes. There were a mix of kids there and for sure a few were autistic, though not extreme cases.
Nesprin
How old is your kid? Would something like a swim team or karate class be available/work for him?
Anonymous
At least around here, Special Olympics is more for kids who are not able to be in a regular classroom. It might not be geared to your son’s needs. Why not just let him do individual sports as part of a team? Rock climbing teams in particular tend to be fun and inclusive. Cross country, track, and swimming are also great.
Anonymous
Special Olympics isn’t inclusive, though. I think anyone presenting it as such to you is misguided, because Special Olympics is *only* for people who meet certain disability criteria and inclusive means for everyone. That’s a good thing. Please don’t get me wrong.
Not everyone with ASD is going to meet that criteria (if I remember correctly Michael Phelps has ASD?).
I think your best bet is to figure out what your kid is capable of, and what your kid wants out of sports and see what is in your community that fits both catagories.
No Face
We have never done Special Olympics. I enrolled my kid into inclusive sports through the YMCA this summer for the first time and I’m very excited. Special needs activities have been great for us because everyone “gets it,” even though the kids are all different.
Anonymous
My son is autistic also and special needs sports are so so hard. (Not through Special Olympics.) But you can’t put kids with invisible disabilities next to kids with physical disabilities and say they’re all the same – the kid in the wheelchair is going to probably be a much better player than my son who’ll be staring off into space if you can even get him onto the field.
I’d look into individual sports like golf, cross country/track, swimming, tennis, (fencing?) – or things like crew/rowing.
Anon
Any tips for Turkey travel? We’re going in the fall and planning to have about 10 days there, divided roughly equally between Istanbul, Cappadocia and a beach area (maybe Antalya? that part is still up in the air).
Gail the Goldfish
Eat all the manti for me. I can’t find it in any of my local Turkish restaurants and I really want some. (I haven’t been in 15+ years, so all my recs are out of date, but Istanbul and Cappadocia are both great).
Anon
Do you have any Afghani or Balkan restaurants near you? I think they’re more likely to have it than Turkish restaurants. Although there are probably some slight variations in taste across different regions.
Anon
The food is amazing so find some great restaurants in advance. USD is really valuable since the lira keeps crashing, so keep cash on hand in dollars.