Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Long-Sleeve Knit Wrap Top
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Wrap blouses like this one were a long-time staple in my business casual wardrobe for several years. They’re comfortable, elegant, and can be paired with pants or skirts without a lot of fussing. This one from Vince has a high neck that looks flattering and won’t require a cami underneath to avoid accidentally revealing a little too much.
The top is $195 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS-XL. It's available in black and “black rose.”
Two more affordable options are from Loveapella (XS-XL, $49 at Nordstrom) and Ann Taylor (XXS-XXL, $32 on sale).
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
I have several of the Loveappella wrap tops. Very tempted by the new lighter/brighter colors but they have pilled on the front high traffic areas sadly.
Have you tried a sweater shaver?
I never thought of that on rayon, but since you suggested it … I tried and there was just so much surface area that it will take a bit more work. Thanks for the idea.
This is beautiful! Seems like so many tops are boxy and cropped these days. I really like the length with the defined waist!
Can anyone recommend great books about French history around the time of Napoleon? A lot of fiction I read is set then so I’d love to read more facts about the time. Also interested in the French Rev/Reign of Terror but realize they’re all huge topics!
I was about to mention War & Peace, but then I saw that you read a lot of fiction set in that time period. I read W&P last year and absolutely loved it, so I’m interested as well!
Not a book but if you are interested in the French Revolution, Mike Duncan has a good podcast called Revolutions and he did a whole series dedicated to the French Revolution and the rise of Napoleon. (His series on Haiti is also excellent.)
For a reasonably approachable nonfiction book you might try Citizens by Simon Shama. You could also try anything by William Doyle. I have not read them all but I think he has several options at different levels of detail.
Second Revolutions. My partner is very into history and he recommended the podcast to me as an easy-ish entry into historical periods that I never learned about in school. It’s really great.
+2
The biography of Josephine Bonaparte by Kate Williams is very good and has a lot of history in there for context.
Biography of Marie Antoinette by Antonia Fraser.
Who is buying $200 rayon?!
I actually would rather have rayon than polyester.
I was tempted because I’ve had such a hard time finding dressy black long-sleeved tops with a modest neckline to fit a dress code.
I have this blouse and it’s great, even better with the 30% off discount. Washes well and doesn’t wrinkle:
https://www.brooksbrothers.com/concealed-placket-blouse-in-crepe/WV01300.html?dwvar_WV01300_Color=BLCK&quantity=1
Here’s an alternative made of more sustainable rayon at half the price: https://www.moderncitizen.com/products/lilou-wrap-neck-tee-black
Ooh, thank you! I like that one better because it’s more fitted.
I just will never understand the people here who pop up every time talking about natural fabrics only. Honestly a good rayon or similar doesn’t wrinkle and is so much longer wearing than their natural counterparts. I happily purchase such items for $200+
Same, although Vince typically makes it to a sale cycle with a decent selection of sizes left, so I’d wait for this top to be more like $120 before considering.
Sure, but what about the environmental impacts of producing rayon products? Yikes.
Ugh do you have to be so holier than thou, trying to be considerate of the planet we all live on?!? /s
Haha, I usually disregard anyone who says “yikes!” But generally agree w their premise. I have enough clothes that I don’t need to resort to fabrics that are bad for the planet. At the end of the day, everyone is going to do what they want, but they shouldn’t pretend that there’s no cost to it.
I was 100% agreeing with them! We should not be wearing synthetics, I just had to be preemptively and sarcastically snarky since you know this place doesn’t like personal responsibility.
I’m sure it’s better than constantly replacing items.
No, plastics just break down into smaller and smaller pieces and contaminate humans, animals, the water supply…. everything
I thought rayon was not plastic, though?
Rayon is basically plasticized plant material. There is a reason it is called rayon and not bamboo (same source, vastly different processing).
It’s cute that you think there’s no environmental harm in producing cotton and silk fabrics
I am one of the no polyester people, and I would – and do – absolutely buy rayon
Plastic and wood pulp is not the same.
+1.
Yeah, the process of creating rayon still has environmental consequences. Plastic is not the only problem, people!
Rayon is a natural fiber mostly. Fibers are cut from agricultural by products. It’s not plastic.
Rayon is tricky from a sustainability perspective. In many cases, the wood is being harvested specifically for rayon production, sometimes from old-growth forests. The chemicals used to process the wood into fiber are also quite toxic. But there are some better types of rayon, including anything labeled Lenzing Ecovero, lyocell, or modal.
+1
Lots of us! We don’t all have an everlasting boner for natural fibers.
IIRC around 2/3 of all clothes currently produced are made from plastic.
There is no shortage of synthetic clothes to choose from, both overpriced and underpriced, for people who want or need to dress in synthetics.
for what it’s worth – the Post recently had an article saying that 100% natural fiber is fine, and 100% synthetic fiber is fine, but the absolute worst ones are the ones that are blends.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/climate-solutions/2024/08/13/polyester-blended-fabrics-recycling/
As someone who was sweat boxed by the 100 percent acrylic sweaters of the early 2000s, I’m going to continue being suspicious.
right but that’s a you problem, not an entitlement to moral superiority
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We’re in our 40s and live together and I’ve been very happy. He’s had a female friend for 20+ years; they’re very close and I know she went above and beyond to support him through a bad family tragedy years before I met him.
She’s been very friendly to me, but every time I see her, she has to constantly remind me how she and my bf are the bestest friends and she knows him better than anyone and they have so many inside jokes because they are sooooo close…it’s kind of grating, but in the past I’d brushed it off, as I’m not in a competition with her, and my bf never encourages this behavior. I just filed her actions under “well meaning but annoying”, and never felt weird or threatened by their relationship before. But she’s gotten divorced this year (after a 15 year marriage with kids)…and I’m starting to feel like things are off.
She started confiding a lot in my bf as her marriage was falling apart…okay, I’d expect that given their long friendship. It’s just a lot. And now that she’s single, any time my bf wants to do an activity I’m not interested in, instead of going alone or with another friend, he invites her, and she accepts instantly if she doesn’t have the kids that day. But the final straw for me is that she asked him to go in on buying a house with her…which he actually told me he was considering until I said I wouldn’t be okay with it. Setting aside the fact that it was a terrible financial idea, he and I don’t even own a house together yet!
In light of what felt like such a major boundary violation, I started rethinking some of her past comments/actions that I’d dismissed as well-meaning but annoying, and am worrying now that it’s more than that. I don’t suspect any actual infidelity, nor any threat of that (on his side at least). But she’s clearly emotionally possessive over him, like a weirdly intense big sister, and I’m starting to worry that their intimacy is bad for my relationship with him.
I guess I’m trying to figure out how to discuss with him. I’m not the type to tell anyone not to be friends with someone, but this has started to feel like too much to me, and like anything he’s giving to her is something he’s not giving to me. I’ve gone from finding her mildly irritating to really disliking her. I now feel annoyed when my bf tells me “I just had a nice chat with Friend.” I’m sure he’d say that he’s just trying to support his friend through a hard time when she’s done the same for him, and I know at least on his side the intentions are good. But you can have good intentions and still cause harm.
Any advice on how to address it/think about the situation would be welcome…thanks.
I’d ask him to put himself in your shoes and really, honestly think about a guy friend who has known you forever, reminds bf about it constantly, just got divorced and is now your go-to companion, and now wants to buy a house together? Would he not feel threatened by all that?
Your feelings are very valid, and she is definitely crossing boundaries even if your BF is not.
Have you had a frank discussion with your BF about this? In the best light, he is terribly clueless. He could wake up and choose to intentionally set boundaries with her that respect his relationship with you. He could also deny there is a problem at all, blame you for being jealous that he wants to have no consequences, and then you have valuable information to inform your decision about your future with him.
+1. If you spell it out for him and he doesn’t immediately start setting boundaries you should run.
Nah, she should just run. He’s already told her who he is and where she stands through his relationship with this woman. She’s not going to change him.
+1. This woman is single now. It’s only a matter of time. Very sorry OP.
The fact that he was considering buying a house with her and not with you tells you everything you need to know. I don’t think it’s necessarily about whether or not there is physical intimacy. It seems like she’s had a crush on him for years and he’s not interested in her romantically (but who knows, maybe that he just thought of her as off limits due to the marriage).
At the end of the day, after 3 years, it’s clear that she is a high priority in his life. As Senior Attorney would say, the ‘price of admission’ for this relationship seems to be accepting his very close and emotionally intimate relationship with her. You are not, and likely will not be his main person. At most, you will be of equal importance to him. That’s fine if you’re okay with that but I would not expect things to change from where they have been over the last three years. If anything, I would expect his involvement to intensify once she buys a house and asks for help with things she may be used to relying on her husband to help with.
Well said. If he doesn’t see you as his “person” and he’s not willing to change that, there can’t be a future in your relationship.
I mean, there can be if OP is fine with that… I wouldn’t want that arrangement, and it doesn’t sound like she does either, but I do not think it is necessarily so black and white.
Ugh. I’m sorry. She’s going through a major life change and while she might think she’s threatening your relationship, it’s very likely that she is a threat, even if everyone is well meaning at this exact moment in time.
I’d probably address it very directly with my partner. Good luck!
oh, this is tough, and sounds a bit like the origin story of My Best Friend’s Wedding!
I don’t have great advice but the concept of an emotional affair might help you pinpoint why this feels like too much. Like if he goes to Friend first with good news rather than you, etc.
I think the way you framed it here is actually really good. You can say something like, “as you know, I never had a problem with X, and have never felt weird about you two being so close. But when you said you were considering buying a house with her when you and I don’t own a home together, it struck me as very strange. What’s going on, I’d like to talk about this…”
This. I’m ok with close friends. My bf of 3.5 years has a very close female friend who he has known for about 20 years. If he ever considered buying property with her or making any other long term commitment with her we would definitely have a serious conversation. I’m curious how OP’s bf would react if she suggested them buying a home together or getting engaged. If he balks I’d have serious reservations about continuing the relationship. Your bf needs to establish clear boundaries with her and if he doesn’t, I’d move on.
I agree 100%. First, you have to be direct, and this post is very clear. Second, you have to know, for yourself, what your boundaries are and then be clear about it with him. “I understand she’s a good friend. But if this relationship isn’t your priority, then it’s not going to work. And when you make it your priority, that has to be clear, both to her and to me. It’s not clear right now, for X and Y reason.”
FWIW, I had to do this with my now-husband of 15 years at the start of our relationship. Here is the thing about that: I was prepared to follow through. If he wasn’t going to make some shifts to make our relationship central (which means putting up some boundaries on other relationships, including what is shared, time spent, etc), then I was going to walk. Please don’t tolerate anything less than respectful behavior, which this is not. Be prepared to stand up for yourself, whatever that entails.
I really doubt your boyfriend is clueless to what’s going on. He likes the attention and triangulation. It’s inappropriate dopamine seeking even if he’s not emotionally invested, he knows she is.
Yeah – people generally aren’t this clueless. I’m not saying he’s going to cheat, but I do think the dynamic works well for him, and he doesn’t care that it’s unfair to OP.
YeahI agree.
Yea I agree with this take. This is triangulation and he gets a “pick me dance” between the two of you. He gets the best deal out of this.
He’s shown you who he is and what this relationship is. If he wanted boundaries, he would have put those up already to protect his relationship with you. I think some questions to ask yourself are: Is this relationship acceptable to you as it is? Do you want to continue to police his relationship with her? Do you like the person you are becoming?
This level of emotional intimacy between the two of them DOES feel like a lot. And the house-buying thing is freaking weird. The idea is that these emotionally intertwined friends live together, and you’re the girlfriend who stops by to visit? I believe you when you say there’s no physical infidelity on your BF’s part, but that doesn’t make this appropriate. His primary allegiance should be to you, his partner.
I wonder if the house thing was a trial ballon for breaking up with OP. They currently live together so why would be phrase it as him buying a house with the friend vs the three of them buying a property together. With housing costs, I could MAYBE see it if she had a specific two apartment house or duplex in the kids’ district that she couldn’t afford otherwise. But the idea being presented as HIM buying a house with friend and not THEM buying a house with friend says a lot given that they currently live together.
Thanks to everyone so far for validating I’m not crazy. Uggh.
To clarify, he actually is a rather naive and very kind person and I truly don’t think he’s aware he could be causing a problem. I’m less sure of her obviously. But it sounds like I really do need to address with him directly.
And just to clarify the house they were contemplating was not for them to live in together, but to help her because she can’t afford it alone. But I’m really not ok with him making that commitment. And yes, it has raised concerns with me about the level of commitment in my relationship with him, which I hadn’t doubted until now.
So she just asked him to help fund her life post- divorce? Or like for a repayable loan? That seems very messy.
Girllllllll that is worse
I know, I’m not excusing it, I’m very upset! She did lend him money in the past though when he needed it, so there is precedent
I still don’t like this for you.
Three years and you’re not married but he was going to buy her a house.
Girl, run.
There’s short-term help in a pinch and then literally buying real estate. Two VERY different things. Girl, you will always be second fiddle.
The house buying doesn’t make sense. Is it a vacation house? Is there anything else driving this purchase – e.g., buying out a family commitment. In my mind, I’d flip the gender of everything you said – if it was his best guy friend, what would you have an issue with.
The question about how I’d feel if it was a guy friend is a good one. Honestly it’s hard to imagine a man acting the way she acts…but if he did, I’d be a lot more ok with it. Even though I really don’t think there is any physical infidelity in the mix here.
I’ll push back on this – gender flipping is not helpful because a male friend is not a potential sexual partner for OP’s bf (presumably). This woman is. That significantly impacts the dynamic – it’s not the case that if OP would be fine with it if it were a man, she has to be okay with it even though it’s a woman.
I agree. It’s ok to not be gender-blind in this instance. Even if he’s not physically cheating, the potential for it is there in a way it isn’t (presumably) with a male friend.
I assumed he was just going to buy the house and the best friend was going to live there. Like he was contributing financially to her house, not that he was also going to live there. Regardless, it is extremely weird….
Yes, correct!
WTF!!!
He was going to BUY HER A HOUSE?
I think that’s enough to end your relationship, sorry.
Has he spoken to a lawyer, who represents solely him and not both of them, about how utterly insane this is?
I am still team “Girlie, run,” but this is yet another reason why. He is letting common sense go flying out the window.
Lol a lawyer was not even needed to understand how lacking in common sense it was…but no, it didn’t get that far because he told me and I shut it down.
Not that it changes my mind at all, but did he consult you or tell you about the hypothetical home purchase? Like, was this decided in his mind or was he consulting you as a current and potentially long-term partner who will have shared financial interests?
If the former, it’s 100% game over and now. If the latter, maybe it’s first a conversation about boundaries (lots of good scripts on this chain) and then depending the outcome, you cut and run or stick it out to see if there are changes.
Yes, he did consult me after they had a conversation about it. Whether it was one conversation or more, I don’t know.
Re 11:47 – you should not have to “shut it down.” That is putting you in an unfair position of being the policewoman of an obvious boundary violation and inappropriate entanglement.
Umm wut? This is bonkers and after three years y’all aren’t married or moving forward together? I’d bet he was just sad she was married and now she’s not. Cut your losses.
I am very good friends with some of my exes. When my ex needed to put down his dog last year, I was the one who was there. Four exes came to my wedding.
What the EEFFFFF on buying a house together?!?!?
Girlie: run.
Girlie, run is the best advice on this thread.
Thank you! :)
I would be confused and upset in this situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You’re spot on about boundaries. But while you’re not going to tell him he can’t be friends with her, you can tell him how certain actions make you feel. He’s clearly unaware that some of things he is doing with her are too intimate for that type of relationship. DH and I went through something like this, both him and me.
I don’t buy that he’s unaware. I’m sorry, but who is this clueless about how this level of emotional intimacy would feel to the actual significant other?
I second this one. Plausible deniability is not a good way to run relationships.
I had a really firm (and some say unreasonable) deal-breaker while dating: no female “best friends” no matter what the set up was (Oh, she’s gay, oh she’s married, oh, she’s not my type, blah blah–somehow that all goes out the window when it needs to).
I also have no close/best male friends–at most I have exes I’m on good terms with and a couple high school/college era buddies I might say hi to when I’m in my home town, so it’s not hypocritical. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be the TOP priority in your partner’s life (outside of kids) and when Best Friend is around, you will at best be tied for first place. No thanks!
Now you’re already in it, so the best you can do is say that you need his actions and words to start demonstrating that you are the priority and it’s you two as a couple, not best friends and third wheel.
This totally reminds me of a recent Carolyn Hax column: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/09/12/carolyn-hax-husband-female-friend-social-life/.
There was a follow up saying the column was delayed in being published and wife found out they were having an emotional affair, maybe more, and are now getting divorced.
I also agree that your husband is getting off on the attention and triangulation.
Don’t let that be your future.
YES, I thought immediately of that Hax column too! I unfortunately don’t have a Washington Post subscription anymore because I thought the follow-up chat where the LW updates was really good and I can’t really find it or post a link without a subscription–she talks about how things actually went with her husband and also gets into a little more relationship backstory addressing various things commenters had (mostly incorrectly, IIRC) identified as possible issues–but OP might look for that if she has Post access.
Focus on your life and your relationship. Sounds like you aren’t happy with where you stand. Talk about that. It’s been three years why aren’t you guys talking about future housing plans?
He broke up with you when he said he’d consider buying a house with her. He’s just too chicken to say it out loud.
Brilliant comment.
+1
Agreed. He hasn’t made you his top priority in 3 years. He never will. He’s looking for an out now that this other woman is single. Cut your losses.
+1. My guess is he is going to make OP out to be the unreasonable one because she’s “making him choose” and “not letting him have female friends.” He’s going to try to get OP to be the one ending the relationship so that he doesn’t have to be the bad guy who was really biding his time to couple up with his “friend,” whose marriage he has probably been undermining all these years, and apparently finally succeeded. But he also needs to be the wronged party in the story so he’s increasingly behaving inappropriately and rejecting/disrespecting OP until she can’t take it anymore.
This is the answer.
If anything I am the single friend in this situation and I think your feelings are valid and your BF needs to rethink his relationship with his friend.
I have a close long-term 20+ year friendship with a guy who is now married with kids and that friendship has changed because he has more important relationships than our friendship even though we have known each other since we were about 7. We do still have a group text message that has been going with two other friends non-stop since our senior year world history class, and we send some occasional texts outside of that. Generally we see each other once or twice a month at most, and generally one of those is whole family. I like his wife a lot and I think she likes me. She seems to and I hope she does.
But have you asked your male best friend to buy a house with you ….
No. Never ever ever
Uggh why do I fear that my house story is going to become a regular in joke here? Probably deserved if so
OP, I’m glad you see the humour. :)
House thing is a big red flag because way more commitment than loaning her moving costs or something because she did something similar for him when he was in a pinch years ago.
Actually, owing property with someone is a level of commitment which is extremely rare outside marriage/spouses or family inheritance situations or business deals like rental property.
I think I was the boyfriend in this scenario- about a year into dating my now husband I had to wake up and realize the emotional intimacy I had with my friends had to change. I went to a conference with my best male friend and we shared a hotel suit and visited DisneyWorld together. Truly believe me when I say there was absolutely no romantic interests on either of our parts (he’s married to one of my close female friends and she was totally fine with this), but also when I learned how this looked/felt to my boyfriend I totally realize it’s not okay. I had to scale back on that friendship and another close female friendship so that my boyfriend/husband is my person, not my friends.
I personally don’t think you should have had to scale back. You were good friends, you had no romantic interest. There’s no reason other than your husband not trusting you that you needed to end those friendships. That’s sad to me.
Respectfully, I don’t agree. It wasn’t that my husband doesn’t trust me. It’s that a marriage requires a level of emotional intimacy/exclusivity that I wasn’t giving him. If I want him to be the most important person in my life (and I do) that does mean that friendships have to change to reflect those values. I still have close friends! I just don’t share things with them that I’m not also sharing with my husband.
Sharing a hotel suite is way less intimate than buying a house together! If there were separate beds, I would have been fine with this, as would a lot of people I know.
What is the end goal for your relationship, marriage or keeping the status quo? It kind of sounds like after 3 years you need to move ahead and solidify your commitment, or break it off. As a committed, forever couple it’s appropriate to require a partner to set hard friendship boundaries, and in this case he would need to dial it back many notches. But until then, I can understand why he would be staying tied to his good friend. Maybe there is a differing of opinion in the state of/commitment level in your own relationship.
And also, committed partners should be considering one another in major financial decisions, even if they’re keeping separate accounts or whatever. It affects both of you!
He should not have been maintaining such a close emotional relationship with a married woman, or with any woman if he was dating OP exclusively whether or not there was a future commitment. DTMFA.
I disagree with this. I don’t think this particular friendship is appropriate, but no one should have to drop their existing friendships once they start dating someone.
Thank you, I totally agree and I think a reason I’m so upset is it potentially exposed a difference in our relative commitment levels to the relationship. I’m pretty worried about the implications.
OP you’ve gotten good advice here about bringing this up with your partner, so I won’t pile on. I just want to acknowledge that this is a tough thing to be dealing with, but that you are 100% going to be fine whatever happens. This internet stranger is in your corner.
Thanks for the kind words.
This might actually be a positive in a way. Obviously everyone is focused on whether their actions have some kind of romantic undertones, but it also is related to where you are in your relationship. You should think about what you want generally and what you’ve actually discussed/planned together.
I could actually see a guy buy a house to rent to a good friend of decades, and potentially ending up with a very messy rental situation. However it reveals a fundamental difference in how you are approaching the future and your finances together. Guy friends can also overwhelm relationships, especially around their divorces. At least she isn’t dragging him out to singles bars and strip clubs. It’s reasonable for you to talk about your future together and how this situation makes you wonder what you both want out of your own relationship.
Ok so I started off feeling a little defensive. I work in a male dominated field so a good 50% of my long time besties are male. It helps when they’re gay because no one gets jealous of me! But I’ve had two wives tell their husbands to stop hanging out with me. And all we do is go to lunch during the weekday! So obviously I feel strongly that is ridiculous and way too controlling – I am perfectly capable of being good friends with a member of the opposite sex and never developing romantic feelings for them.
But I would NEVER tell their partners/wives I’m their better friend, and yes, two of my close friendships pre-date their eventual marriages. I would think anyone with half a brain would be able to figure out where friendship ranks relative to a romantic partnership.
And the going in on a house is WAY WAY too much. Leave gender out of it. He should also not buy a house for his male best friend to live in. Ridiculous.
It does sound like your husband is her substitute husband now that she’s single. You’re right to communicate about that. I don’t think “I forbid it” is the way to go here, but I like the idea above of asking your husband to really do the thought exercise of putting himself in your shoes – if you had a super possessive male best friend who was always telling your husband he knew you first, who wanted you to buy a house with him (!) I am sure if your boyfriend was really honest in this thought experiment, he’d realize how uncomfortable he’d be with it.
So 1) yes you can have opposite sex platonic friendships, but they don’t look like this, and 2) honest communication, as always, is the solution.
Get out. You’re always going to be a third wheel in this triangle.
It would be full circle if her marriage fell apart because of her relationship with your boyfriend
Hahaha! I doubt it was related given what I know, but it made me laugh
Someone here recommended the Sam Edelman Loraine loafers, and I’m here to thank you for the rec! I love them! Soft leather, no breaking in, comfortable right off the bat. They were a tiny bit snug across my instep at first but they have loosened up after wearing.
I also recently bought the Michaela Mary Janes from the same brand and I also love them. My office shoe wardrobe was a little sad and outdated so I love having a couple new pairs.
Love the Michaela, and I ordered the Loraine over the weekend so I’m glad to see this review!
I also like the Lorraine but heads up, I took a half-size smaller in the full loafer than I did in the backless mule version, which is unusual for me!
Any suggestions for how to survive in a corporate environment with constant interruptions, and, in my opinion, overuse of chat messages? I’m a senior manager, and, I’m completely overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of messages (ping! ping! ping!), email, and people walking into my office. In my role, a lot of things require fairly quick response, so, I can’t just ignore things. But, people send SO MANY messages, that, if I check each message it’s impossible to actually get anything done. I get 200-250 emails a day, and probably 100 chat messages (which works out to every 4 minutes on average!) ranging from “I send you an email that needs urgent approval” to completely inane and non-time-sensitive messages like “I received your email and will get the info back to you as requested”, or, my personal least favorite “hi” (please tell me WHAT you need so I can prioritize you!). If I have a meeting, and am in conversation with someone, I usually mute my phone for a bit, but not infrequently people get upset that I didn’t reply to their chat message. Another issue I’m struggling with is that I never know where to look for info anymore – was it sent in email, or in a chat message? My direct supervisor loves chat messages, so, I can only moderately influence the culture about that, but, I’m miserable with this constant overstimulation and interruptions, and I get home each night completely frazzled with about 6 hours of 10-20 minute tasks I still need to do that I couldn’t get done while in the office. (I’ll also add that a lot of the most time-sensitive work that I’m doing is totally outside of my job description, and I was asked to cover for it to fill a vacancy; it’s been 9 months now and the vacancy is still unfilled. That’s another story, but, the point is I know I don’t like being in an environment with urgent work and I never would have applied for this job). Please, share your survival strategies! We are a Outlook/Teams/Sharepoint/OneDrive place, so any specific suggestions to those tools particularly welcome.
Are the Teams messages truly urgent or do you just feel like you have to respond right away? If it’s the latter, you need to start putting on your do not disturb status when you need to focus on work. If you’re always available and answering right away, that’s what people will come to expect.
+1 copious use of DND. Take a few minutes and knock out a bunch of IM replies then put your DND back on.
Start a team chat so that people can get responses from colleagues if the info can be provided at that level.
For your own team – send out an email with some guidelines on how you prefer to be contact in what circumstances. Eg. I don’t know if my manager wants me to IM them about the email that needs urgent approval only if the approval must be done that hour or that day unless I’m told.
I’m a huge fan of the DND on Teams, but also consider dedicating (i.e. scheduling) time on your Outlook calendar for “admin” or “operations focus” or whatever makes sense so that 1) you feel no guilt about focusing on the task at hand for that block of time and 2) anyone who checks your calendar will see the time blocked off.
Yup, this. It is not realistic to be fielding fire calls all day long.
Turn off the notifications. Check messages on some schedule that works for you, maybe every 30 minutes? 45? Something that lets you be responsive but not crazed. The pings and dings can all be silenced.
This was my life for 9 years when I was in-house and the volume of pings just increased every year. Like you, I got hundreds of emails a day, instant messages, text messages, meeting chats, people bursting into my office constantly, and various execs used WhatsApp and Signal. The kicker was when my boss got upset that I didn’t respond to one of his WhatsApp messages quickly enough and messaged me on Linkedin which I rarely go on, but when I saw the email notification I had a message from him on Linkedin that it turned out had the same message that was on Whatsapp, I lost it and decided to find another job. Anyways, while I was there, here are some things that helped: establish ONE escalation method with your team – I told mine that if there was anything truly urgent, they needed to call my cell phone. I stopped responding to virtually all emails except those from people above me in reporting structure. If you’re covering a vacancy, you’re covering a vacancy so you’re doing another job on top of your own- it’s too much, especially if you don’t enjoy it. Ask your manager if someone else can cover or if they could get a temp/consultant to cover (because if they don’t you’re going to get burned out and that’s good for no one including your employer).
Thanks! I feel like you get it, and we work in similar madhouses. I like that idea about ONE escalation method. And you’re exactly right – I’m doing 2 (very different) jobs, and I’m already quite burned out. I hope your new job is better!
Thank you! I hope you get some relief soon! Madhouses is right!
Sometimes, I would come home after an insane day, mind buzzing, barely able to hold a thought, wrap myself in a blanket, turn off all the lights, and just Lie There for like 30 minutes. Sensory deprivation to reset.
Do you have subordinates? Send out an email, using whatever tone and lingo is appropriate in your office, telling them what you told us: you prefer emails and to please minimize chats when possible.
I would set timers for 30ish minutes to do tasks, put on DND and a sign on the door, and ignore messages. Then timer for 30 minutes to deal with messages. That way everyone is getting a response within an hour or so but you have some uninterrupted time as well.
Make sure that you black out time on your calendar for handling admin. When people see your teams icon is red, it lessens the expectation of an immediate response. Also, completely agree that you need to set up a mode of escalation and establish a strong, call me culture for escalation. If super busy, I will just set a 20 minute meeting with people to run through all the emails they need an answer to, then let them run down in their order of priority.
For admin, agree with set out time in the morning or end of the day to do all of it and don’t respond to new messages then.
In general, a message isn’t a summons, as long as you reply to it in a general amount of time.
One thing that has helped me is setting up processes for frequent issues that weren’t “directly DM me”. Sometimes thats a Slack workflow, some other type of public message, an email. You have to enforce this though – don’t respond if people don’t do it the right way
I am constantly overstimulated by the ping of Teams messages and emails. What helps for me: I don’t sign onto Teams until an hour after I’ve logged on for the day. I use that first hour to get essential work done that requires concentration. I’ve also discovered that the “busy” signal on Teams is totally disregarded, so I use the Do Not Disturb. If necessary, sign out of Teams altogether for short bouts of 10-15 minutes to keep up with those little tasks you mention. I had to turn off the notifications for emails, too. For the office, use a shut door to indicate that you cannot be interrupted. Do not answer your door if someone knocks while it’s shut. What I’ve noticed from supervisors above me that seems successful: they ask their reports to consolidate their communications daily, and have routine weekly check-ins to confirm what’s coming up that will requires their attention, and they make it clear that they set the deadlines–not their reports.
This reminds me of when I worked as a GC in-office. Everyone was constantly barging into my office with issues. The only person who ever stopped and asked if it was a good time was the CEO. He was extraordinarily considerate although I never would have told him to come back later. He had his flaws but I never forgot the consideration.
That would make a big impression on me too. What a thoughtful person, and I hope that this CEO is wildly successful. I didn’t experience any of that, only people bursting into my office unannounced and demanding to get what they want. (I am the one that posted above about my boss messaging me on Linkedin when I didn’t respond to his Whatsapp and he definitely barged into my office all the time too.)
What is Gap’s sizing like these days? I haven’t shopped there in a few years but I remember it used to run a bit big. Based on the size chart, I am a little too big for one size but a little too small for the next size up.
IME, the sizing hasn’t changed much.
It still generally runs a bit big, but some of the t-shirts have been more TTS lately. It’s frustrating when you’re on the cusp of two sizes!
Consistent with their sizing when I was a teenager in the late 90s. I love that it is still predictable.
Gap has vanity sized so much since the 90s. I used to wear a 6 there and now I wear a 2, I am the exact same size.
That’s the opposite of my experience, especially for things like jeans and other trousers.
That’s the exact opposite of my experience. I sew and know my actual measurements both then and now. My Gap size has consistently tracked with my actual body measurements this entire time.
If you have this dress: Do you like it? How does it fit? Is it the kind of thing I can throw on with tights and be ready for work? Has it worn well? I’m 5′ 9″, about 145 lbs, and my workplace averages on the formal end of business casual. (Folks dress anywhere from business casual to suits.) Thanks!
https://amourvert.com/products/castile-reverie-knit-dress-black?variant=41253553340607
I would say that dress has a high degree of difficulty and I’d only buy it in person or if it can be returned easily. I would want to make sure the material has enough thickness/drape to skim vs. cling. You’re quite thin but I still find those sweater dresses can be form fitting enough to read more ‘office siren’ than I would personally like.
A “high degree of difficulty”? It’s a dress. You put it on. I think it’s beautiful, very modest and work-appropriate.
Oh, a wrap dress is varsity-level complexity. My toddler almost unwrapped me during her baptism. DVF and other wraps are not to be trusted!
this is not a wrap dress! but yes, wrap dresses are generally a pain.
This is a tie-waist dress, though, not a wrap dress.
Haha, clothes are never that simple. I’m always amazed at people who think they can just put something on and move on with their day. There’s almost always a detail wrong if you don’t think it through. Does it matter for most of your interactions? No. Are you giving the impression you think you’re giving? Probably also no.
I agree but it’s also worth a shot. I just got a very similar one from Ann Taylor that’s sold out at the moment, but I’ll wear under a blazer. Similar stats to OP.
This is a good way of articulating my underlying concern…thank you.
I do not have this dress — but now I will be eagerly awaiting responses, because this is gorg.
I don’t have it, but I think it’s beautiful — and I’m also looking forward to responses!
I love it and think it’s worth a try if it’s free shipping & returns. This will either be zero-difficulty (throw on, tie, and go) or annoying (tie hits you at an awkward point; too thin and prone to clinging to tights) but impossible to judge online!
It’s a beautiful dress; I worry that there is a lot of material right around your waist.
I don’t have this dress but have liked all my other items from this brand. Also, loooooove the styling with bright red tights!
I want to like Zuri. I love the prints! I love the fabric. I feel like the shape of the shirts and dresses magnifies my pear-shape to the point where I’m colorful and looking like Grimmace. How do you all style these? I feel like HRC wears a lot shaped like this and while it may suit a grandmother, that’s not the look I’m going for (kids are teens and I’m an older mom already).
I have a friend who wears these a lot. I think you just have to lean in to the shapelessness. Wear the dresses with sneakers or sandals, like you would a tunic.
That said, I don’t wear it. I just am not comfortable with the degree of shapelessness, and I don’t see a way to style myself out of it.
Do a lot of people wear them open as dusters / jackets? I feel like I see that and prefer it with the shirt (vs doing that with a dress) version. I just miss colors so much heading into winter. Maybe if I size down, an XS will fit but not overwhelm (40″ hips are the concern area of girth, but I almost think this would work).
I had to look them up. The prints do look fun but I can’t unsee Grimmace in the shape. I would feel much more flattered wearing them if they were skirts that I could style with a blouse rather than a full dress. The scale of the patterns is too much for my taste in a whole-body garment.
Make sure you have a size that fits you perfectly in the shoulders and the rest will drape nicely.
I love my Zuri dresses and get compliments on them, but my style is more academia/aging hippie than many around these parts
HRC dresses like Dr. Evil but in color. I love her but not as a fashion icon.
oh man I think that was the dress that when I went to return it and the postal guy asked me what was in the package, I replied “a really expensive but hideous dress”
I wonder about this! I’ve got an up-and-down silhouette and love the shape of my Zuri dresses because they mask my tummy, but my legs and shoulders look nice in them. Some of the fabrics are a little stiffer and others are more drapey/ clingy. Maybe that would make a difference in emphasizing a pear shape? I think the idea of wearing it as a duster is a good one.
Tell me about your non-traditional goals/milestones. I’m in my late twenties and feel like I ran out of obvious next steps. My life is fine, I’m dating a great guy. We are on the same page about not wanting children and not wanting to get married. We both want to live on our own for a bit longer before moving in together. I like my job and I’m on track for my next promotion. Nearly saved enough for a downpayment so I can buy a house next year. Just returned from a lovely trip abroad. Except for some birthdays and buying the house it feels like I hit all pre-set adult milestones I want. I thrive on challenges and dreams to chase and right now feel like I’m on track to live the same year, year after year, for the rest of my life. Love to hear from the childless by choice readers if and how you’ve dealt with this
Have you considered doing something like an Ironman triathlon or climbing a 14,000 foot peak (to start)?
Stop living for milestones is my best advice. I don’t have kids, never wanted them, and married in my 40s. I’ve celebrated life as it happens but found nothing more distressing than the idea I should be doing certain things. I own a home, rental property, hit the c-suite at work and many other promotions along the way. I never aimed for any of it in a “what’s the next marker” way and I’m positive I’m happier for it.
I agree with this advice to an extent. You don’t have to live for specific milestone, (getting engaged, married, buying a home, and having kids) but I think it’s perfectly fine to set your own goals. Some of mine are run another half marathon, hit 100 barre classes, hit 20 class of yoga in 30 days, read a book a month, and probably a few travel goals too.
I’m like Anon NYC. I’m 45 and CBC. I don’t live for the specific milestones we have been trained on, although I did get married 10 years ago and bought a house last year. But I like setting goals, working toward them, seeing my progress, and achiving them. Right now, I’m working on some weight lifting goals for the next 12 months. I also have a reading/book goal and DH and I are setting some longer-term travel goals.
I also have wonderful friendships that I work hard to keep up and a job I like, but I don’t have goals associated with those.
+1 I think it’s important to try and find contentment in day to day life. I find fulfillment in volunteering.
+1
Starting to move from achieving “goals” and building relationships and meaning is a hard but satisfying life transition.
I find that setting goals is a great way to find meaning and purpose, and a lot of relationships get built along the way.
I’m also very anti-milestone. I like to continue to experience new things- travel, food, books, movies, nature, etc., but I’m more into keeping “to try” lists for stuff like recipes, books, and movies, and tracking what I’ve done than setting explicit goals. So I track net worth, books, movies, states (49/50), birds (335 on my life list), and a few other things. I did watch all of the movies on the American Film Institute’s top 100 film list and have seen about 70% of the Oscar best picture nominees, but I’m not really compulsive enough to get through all of the bad ones just for the sake of being able to say I’ve done it!
DH and I each set a fitness goal like a certain hike or race or tournament each year, a food goal to try and learn to cook a new dish or two from scratch and a new thing goal to try a new activity – either physical or creative. Some things become a part of our regular routine and some things are just a good story. Usually they are individual to us but we’ll do them together if they overlap or it makes sense for our schedules (like when we did a chocolate making course).
Married with 3 kids though – not sure if that’s relevant as you specified childless by choice but they aren’t kid related. There was a similar post maybe a month ago and there might be some good ideas for goal/dream/challenge setting there.
Brainstorm with your BF what would be fun. We came up with a bucket list that was quirky and us, and worked our way through most of it. Some things had to wait until retirement.
would love to know what was on your list!
+1 brainstorm with your BF. Even if BF is married with kids. My friend is single & no-kids, I’m on the opposite end. When she told me she wanted to celebrate a milestone of having $100k in investments (retirement and non) you can believe we celebrated. Because why not!
Our favorite new year’s resolution was do one new thing per month. I’ve also done years with a goal of seeing one game from every pro sports team (including minors) in our city. But, really, the answer to your question is why the Abbott World Majors Marathon series was created.
Places to travel; books to read; new skills to develop.
This. In my early 20s, I made a big list of things to do in the next 10 years. I didn’t systematically work through checking them off, but it was a really good process for me to just think about and get excited for. I think I’ve done most of them, 15 years later.
It included countries I wanted to visit, piano pieces I wanted to learn to play, books to read, physical challenges I wanted to train for (I did the half marathon, but I still can’t do all the yoga arm balances), and hobbies I wanted to try.
I think this is why basically everyone in my circle took up running half marathons and marathons in my late 20s (guilty).
I remember feeling this way in my late 20s. DH and I were married and had our first house, and figured out that we were very uninterested in having kids (and now a decade later committed child-free), and was established in a good way in an interesting career. The restlessness of not having a “next thing” or milestone led to a period of yes when I was 27-29ish, where I started to explore lots of things I was interested in. Specifically I ran (unopposed, wasn’t too impressive) and was elected to our small village board, I joined a local civic organization (was the youngest by a couple decades), and started going and fell in love with group fitness classes. Basically I focused on creating community as an adult.
What I figured out from trying the things was – I did not like being elected in government and crossed higher offices off my list. I completed my terms and got off, and resisted any getting back on. That was a larger realization that was good to figure out.
I did love the local civic organization and still do. Also – active retired age people are really great friends for child free – all of their kids are grown and out of the house, and they’re doing things in the community. 10 years later the community connections forged through this group is very very rewarding.
Group fitness classes led me to yoga, and I fell in love. Became a yoga teacher in my early thirties, opened up a small yoga studio a few years ago. That is incredibly rewarding, but was very much intentional created to be stress free as my professional job grows with responsibility.
DH and I have been progressively more and more into hiking, and this last year have taken to hiking to the top of mountains – just day hikes, but holy cow so empowering. So now we’re going to all the national parks on trips and climbing mountains. That was not something early 20s me anticipated. :)
Let’s see here – I also have went skydiving around 14 times. Started on my solo license and then decided that wasn’t so fun, went back to tandems once a year. I let myself try things that I’m curious about and quit them if it turns out I do not like them.
My focus in life turned from milestone focused, to just focused on creating a grounded full life, not really dotted by milestones.
I love reading this! You’ve got me inspired.
Love this!
I did a 40 before 40 list and am now doing 50 before 50. Some are bigger, like bucket list destinations, but some are simple like dine at a particular restaurant, bake a fancy cake, or try a particular regional food. Im flexible with the list, too, so it tends to evolve.
My big personal goal is to horse show again. Haven’t shown in almost 20 years due to grad school, then work, then my horse being mostly retired. Now leasing a horse and aiming to show next spring. It’s both fun and scary to think about, but mostly fun.
Professional development opportunities? Volunteering? Getting involved in your community? A new hobby?
You could try doing a “Year of Yes”. That always sounds like fun to me.
I’m 54 and restarting exercising after years of coasting due to a chronic illness and then sick elders needing care. Next year this time, when I’m 55, what goal should I have for running a mile? I ran a mile in 10 minutes at 53, but that feels like a long time ago. Like what is a goal that is challenging but realistic? I don’t even know. I could run an 8 minute mile in high school but was a tennis player vs a runner (clearly not a runner). Since then, I do more hiking than anything else, but I miss the just whole physical exhaustion and exertion of running and now that it’s not 95 degrees are hitting the road again.
Do you want to do mile specific training? How many days week can you devote to running and cross training?
With six days a week of running and cross training, assuming that your mile time was all-out but without mile-specific training, aim for a 7:30.
Man, I am not even sure what mile specific training even is, so this may be more complicated than I thought. I started running back when life was simpler for mental health and because I was time-pressed. So I had a good mile in me and a bad mile and often walked the second mile on bad days. Does that make sense? I try to get 30 minutes of motion in when I run, even if it is run a block; walk a block or a 50/50 mix of time. I can walk a 15 minute mile because I grew up bridge-and-tunnel and the NEUS just walks fast.
Let me back up!
Any reasonably healthy adult can train to run a “hard” mile (run the entire thing, be tired at the end). Go out and run a few days a week; do strength training; and go for brisk walks a few days a week. You can then drop a mile that is worth being proud of (8 min is great for your age).
But, you can also – even as an adult and not a high school track star – train to run a fast mile.
That involves more structured training. Easy runs 3-4 days a week, a longer run (maybe 5-7 miles, **once you work up to that**) once a week, a tempo run, and speed work. The tempo run teaches your body to clear lactic acid. The speed work improves your leg speed and anaerobic capacity; the mile is about 80% aerobic, 20% anaerobic.
One of the many things that I love about the mile is that you can race it with a wide range of goals. If your goal is general fitness and doing a 9 minute mile, that’s great! If it’s to see how fast you can do a mile with a year of training… you can prepare to open up the throttle a year from now.
Thanks — from a 50ish office worker, this is helpful!
Can you articulate what your mile is right now? Do you want to just work towards a single fast mile? Are you looking to run a set number of minutes each workout and increase the distance you travel?
No one can arbitrarily tell you a goal that makes sense with no baseline.
Let’s say you are starting with (gulp) running a mile in 13 minutes. I know it’s pretty far gone, but what of someone who is truly bad, new at this, and middle-aged?
Oh, you are talking about me! I just try to enjoy the scenery and that I’m out there running. One of these years I’ll get faster.
Hello! I am 40, not 55, but I went from not being able to run, at all, last fall to running a 5k in May (10:45 pace), to running a mile in <9 minutes recently. I went from not being able to run/jog/anything for more than a minute to running (jogging…slowly…) for 30+ minutes nonstop. IT IS POSSIBLE.
My first goal was to run an entire mile without stopping. Then to run a 5k without stopping. Then I wanted to run a mile in <10. My next goal is to run a mile in <8:30. I think in parallel I want to run a 5k in under 30 which I think I can do if I get the <8:30 mile down.
My motivation was turning 40, being overweight (I still am, but I can run now), and having kids play a zillion sports and wanting to be a decent role model. And at some point along the way my 11 year old daughter said she thought she could finish a 5k faster than me, so now we are working on that together and one-upping each other (me, a very out of shape 40 year old, and her, a very athletic but not great at running 10 year old, turn out to be excellent running buddies- she has the speed, I have the stamina).
First, stop judging yourself and by extension others. For some context: when I run to keep my heart rate in Zone 2, my mile pace is about 18 minutes (in contrast, I easily walk a 15 minute mile…go figure.) I can run a 9 minute mile if I let my heart rate go higher.
Second, do you want to get faster? Be able to go farther? Both? Neither, just enjoy doing what you are doing now?
No one can tell you what your actual goal should be, but here are some ways to think about it. Do you want to get faster? Run a mile now, and have a goal to knock 10% off that time, and train towards it. Repeat until you’re happy with where you are. Do you want to extend your endurance? You mention wanting exhaustion and exertion – could that come from longer distances? Do you want to be able to run a 5K at a specific pace? Whatever you choose, make them attainable and realistic, because you can always set new goals when you hit them. And whew, give yourself props for getting back into it after chronic illness and elder care! That alone is worth applause.
This is the way. Time yourself then try to get faster. Your personal best can and should be different than anyone else’s. You got this! A mile is still a mile, no matter how fast or slow you run it.
Why do you need to run fast? What is the point of that? Is your goal fitness, or meaningless competition with yourself?
I would like to give you an award for the most needlessly nasty comment on this site in a while.
Do you prefer a big gold star or a ribbon?
Any wool dress people here? Looking at Wool& and WoolX for casual dresses. I think that fit and flare works better for my shape; prefer no waist seams and long sleeves. Recommendations? I feel like straighter shapes always magnify my midsection and I need some shaping as well as ease of movement.
I like wool dresses. Mine are mostly from Rumour London—the merino pieces, but I have a few of The Fold—Allerton dresses. I only do knit fabric anymore.
I cannot speak to fit and flare, as I have the sleeveless fitted dress from Wool &. It is made exceptionally well and washes like a dream. Highly recommend that brand.
Ibex made some really nice ones and you can usually find them on Poshmark
How do you learn about/keep on top of all the home maintenance items? Just bought a house and slowly learning. For example – annual boiler/HVAC maintenance, termite contracts, gutter/window/exterior house cleaning, water filter replacements, smoke detector batteries, turning on/off sprinkler systems…
Google for an annual home maintenance checklist.
I literally have a paper list, kept in a clear place. And I set reminders in my Alexa device or Google calendar.
Here’s a good list – https://www.hud.gov/sites/documents/DOC_12334.PDF
Give yourself plenty of grace. Most homeowners understand cleaning but don’t understand how to maintain a home properly. DH works in residential real estate and said very very few homes are truly properly maintained, even simple things like changing out air filters. He said the lowest hanging fruit is air filters and anything related to moisture (turn on fan after shower), get gutters cleaned out.
Calendar reminders.
My other post is in mod so hopefully this one posts. HUD has a great checklist to search for.
Calendar reminders, which I adjust and add to as I learn more about my house and its needs.
Any filters that need to be replaced, I write the date of install in Sharpie on them. Annual maintenance – whoever does it for you is REALLY GOOD at reminding you when the year is up.
I have a day off and would love to use it to daydream about an upcoming Paris trip. Does anyone have any bloggers etc they love for Paris content? I’ve been many times. Not Megan Donovan I already follow her and she doesn’t share the good places.
Intrigued — how do we know she holds back on the good places? I love Rick Steves — reminds me of dreaming as a kid with my parents. There is a lady I follow on Insta who blogged about Hemmingway in Paris.
Because she frequently mentions that specific names and recommendations are reserved for her paying customers. Totally fair, just not particularly helpful for my couch day!
I like David Lebovitz for food related content and I believe there is some general Paris advice on the site as well.
Rick Steves for itineraries and David Leibovitz for restaurant recommendations. I’m not sure if DL has social media accounts, but he has a great restaurant guide on his website.
The “have been to Paris a couple of times and just want to enjoy the scene and food” things I did most recently were getting crepes from a window, cold wine from the grocery store, and hanging out in Parc Monceau, exploring the covered Passages, and a day trip to Reims for Champagne tasting.
+1 to exploring the covered passages. We stumbled upon them by accident and loved our morning exploring them.
I feel ugly inside and out today. I know my period is in 2-3 days. And it’s just hormones. And I am intellectually relieved that after these thoughts I’m doing a better job of catching myself and saying it is just the hormones this will pass. But holy crow this is hard. Any of you figure out how to stop or prevent this? I have excellent self esteem most of the time, genuinely content with nearly all areas of life, but every few months in my cycle it’s just like WHAM so much self doubt etc.
If it makes you feel better, I’m on four different psych meds to manage one very stubborn case of depression, and my psychiatrist – who was an ob/gyn for two years before going back to school for psych – recommends I go back on the pill to manage the emotional rollercoaster that STILL manages to disturb me even with all those other meds in my system. Hormones are real, yo ;)
Solidarity. It is the worst. The only thing I can do is reassure myself that these feelings are temporary and will pass.
I’m following with interest. I’ve also got a generally good self-image, but as I’ve entered perimenopause I’m getting more insecure around my cycle due to hormone shifts.
For now I’ve leaned into dressing my (slightly changing) body in clothes that feel good, and trying to be kind to myself.
I’ve recommended Lara Briden’s Period Repair Manual before. It helped me ask the right questions to get tested for issues that can contribute to PMDD and get them addressed (for me the answer was Deplin and addressing some other deficiencies that showed up on testing). I wish she had better credentials but I also wish that our institutions cared more about women’s health!
When I turned 39 the hormones around my cycle just got so bad, crying in my office, walking around my house crying and feeling hopeless. A psych med provider through my workplace EAP truly saved me. Pristiq knocked it out and changed my life, 9 months later the cycle scaries crept back and I’ve doubled my dose and it’s working again. talking to my doc next week about a longer term solution. It causes very vivid dreams, not nightmares, but like it’s getting to the point that I forget what real and what is not. Maybe that’s just peri though?
Anyone had a dog that got lepto? I thought our adult dog was vaccinated but I guess not. I just got a call from the vet and it sounds like IV for a few days and we see where things go.
The vaccine doesn’t cover all strains. Follow the vet’s recommendations and I hope your pup bounces back quickly!
has anyone stayed at the adults section of the Hyatt Ziva Cancun? Thoughts?
No, but I’ve been with my family. It was ok, but if you’re traveling without kids, there’s no way I’d go there. You can find a much better cost-value ratio at a resort that doesn’t allow children.
My husband did (solo scuba diving trip) and liked it.
Suggestions for sports bras with sewn-in cups and basic straps? (ie, not ovelry strappy on the back)
The AC (?) sports bra from Title Nine.
costco has some
Try Amazon and search for high impact. I don’t recall the brand but I got one I was very happy with that didn’t have the foam cups that I always lose in the wash.
I got one from CRZ Yoga on Amazon and I really like it!
A bit controversial, but I’m currently grappling with this. I’ve always believed that we all have an obligation to the greater good, but I’ve realized I now believe that an obligation isn’t enough, but there should be some sort of “sacrifice” for the common good, like national service of some sort (give up a year or two of your life to serve others in any capacity) and then continue serving, but in a less sacrificial capacity, after that service is complete.
I did an Americorps program years ago, but it’s been on my mind a lot more lately.
What are you grappling with exactly? Your own personal policy idea? You’re free to dedicate your life to trying to get that done.
I’m grappling with having grace for those in my life who don’t share this world view
Therapy? This seems a very judgey world view. There are other ways to serve and large swaths of the population can’t/won’t give up time/income to do a year of service.
If the folks you are judging are rich enough to do this type of service and chose not to then maybe distance yourself from them? Again – therapy can help you deal with these feelings and remind yourself that you can’t dictate the actions of other people.
There was another poster recently who said something similar about people who have children, aren’t vegan, etc. While I think selfishness is a real problem in our world (particularly post-Covid), this kind of black and white attitude as to what would “fix” community focus is a different kind of problem.
There are different types of sacrifice in life, and different types of greater good. Some people have a complicated family life, and in general putting your family before helping random people is reasonable.
What you’re saying is a very niche idea. Not everyone is going to go with that. Who defines national service? Is for example, Teach for America, actually the best way to do things? You’re being very high handed with this world view.
This. I was feeling guilty for not doing more in my community so I signed up for a neighborhood clean up. Then, I had to pick up my brother from the hospital instead and it was so frustrating. He is in his 50s and receives disability for severe mental illness. Now he is diabetic and has COPD. I just have to accept that as long as I want to be available to him, I won’t be able to show up in other ways in my community.
Hahahahhahah ok. Maybe also grapple with your savior complex and martyr tendencies in therapy then.
Are you the person who said she barely has friends because she can’t stop judging potential/ex friends? That’s a you problem. Get help.
I think in theory it is a wonderful idea.
I can just imagine the reactions of the majority of society though, unfortunately.
I work in human services and COVID flipped that switch for me. I was kind of on the “front lines” during Covid and now have changed my career to be more front lines focused, so I now have my normal city government job but also work in disaster relief doing human services.
I’m currently away from my family working like 90 hours a week due to the hurricanes. To me it’s such a no brainer that this is what I should be doing it’s surprising that I wasn’t doing this for so long.
I generally agree with this, too. Politically it’s a non-starter without some kind of catastrophe. I find scouts to be a good first step when discussing w young people. Volunteering can suffice for the older among us.
Heaven forbid it’s WW3 and it’s a real war for a “good” reason (aka WW2 and not Iraq…), but I really wonder what it’d be like.
It’s hard to imagine now, with things the way they are, but an entire generation of men did just that.
I’m an adult scout volunteer and try to get our kids to find a local org that speaks to them to volunteer with (it’s a requirement for some merit badges in a non-insignificant amount of hours), along with getting CPR/AED, wilderness first aid, and other certifications. As people in the community, they will most likely be called to serve in a pinch with whatever they have on hand, but they could have a tremendous positive impact at some point in their lives. And with Helene, they understand how to make wild-found or dodgy water safe to drink.
Germany had (has?) a system where all 18 year olds(?) had to serve two years in the military or the Red Cross, their choice. I love that so much. I feel like I’m 80 when I say there isn’t enough emphasis on the greater good and civics and being a responsible citizen and human with kids these days.
they did for many years, but it was only men. They dropped it (maybe 10 years ago?) and all the nursing homes, orphanages and other social work places lost the cheap labor and it’s been rough.
That’s too bad! Our neighbor was a fireman for 10 years instead of doing the 2-year Army or National Service stint. He was such a sweet fellow and so proud to be a fireman.
When women start getting compensated for all of their unpaid time providing child and elder care, I’ll start believing that they should have just as much of an obligation as men. I am 100% fine with a national call-up for incels living in the basement, though.
100% this. If the US wants to fund childcare centers again like they did during WW2 to allow everyone to serve the cause then I’d be much more willing to dedicate my time to serving my country.
Spot on.
Amen.
I think we all need to contribute to society. I don’t think AmeriCorps is the way though. Some people can clean parks, others can build infrastructure, some can work on environmental progress. There’s so many ways to contribute, I think the key for me is that it’s not supporting neoliberalism amd capitalism
This is where I fall. There are different ways to contribute. It doesn’t need to be 2 years Red Cross.
Although some capitalism is good. For example, a lot of consumer products do improve peoples lives. I do want someone to be in the business of making like all the products needed for home repair, as a random example.
While I’ve never done Americorps, I work with a lot of alumni and with some current volunteers.
Everything you mentioned is covered by an Americorps program. A lot falls under the Americorps umbrella (NCCC, FEMA Corps, Climate Corps).
I feel you. I have always been in a helping profession, but felt kind of guilty about it because my life was still objectively easy.
I made okay money and there were days when my job was emotionally or physically hard, but at the end of the day I still made 80k with a mostly office job.
It felt like I wasn’t doing enough and I felt guilty. I think there’s some sort of primal need for us to struggle and have to rise to the occasion. Not all of the time obviously, as that’s unhealthy but definitely at times.
I think part of this is that I’m the first in my family to have an office job; the women in my family had pink collar helping jobs (teaching and nursing) and the men had helping jobs and/or physical jobs (military, farming, USPS, environmental conservation).
I basically came to believe that most people cannot have a positive impact from an office. I know that’s not true – my colleagues in public health and human services definitely were making an impact but it still felt too easy to me.
I’ve changed jobs (more field work), but I still don’t think I have the right balance. Maybe I never will.
What is a helping profession though? In Western NC right now, power company linesmen and dudes with steer skids and gravel and church groups who put up a tent and open a propane burner and cook meals for workers are the helpers most needed now. If you are working, chances are you’re helping someone.
I remember there was some campaigning around prioritizing care taking more economically though I think not much came of it (and I think “more access to paid services” probably isn’t the right sole solution to unpaid care taking and household labor). I know some stay at home moms and some self-employed men who move mountains in their communities (church communities, school communities, neighborhoods), but a lot of people are already spread thin between home and work, right? IIRC, David Graeber’s books talk about this some.
People won’t even give blood, much less years of their lives. IDK what the solution is. A small percentage of people wind up doing for others. I’m not convinced that the burden of the world will ever be equally shared. It’s always a few people taking care of the many.
I’m in a career where I am one of the few taking care of many. It can be utterly exhausting. Not just the work, but working with a world that isn’t set up for this.
I work in international humanitarian aid. My colleagues and I work all over the world, in some of the worst situations, living in austere environments and providing life saving, suffering-reducing, dignity-giving work.
I love what I do, it’s truly a calling. 95% of the time the work doesn’t wear me down, but interacting with people living a normal life does.
Friends and family don’t get why I have to deploy overseas for months at a time and miss things (I work really, really hard to never miss the big things and when I’m home I make sure to always, always “show up”, but I still miss things).
Setting up ways to pay bills or rent while deployed is hard. Figuring out mail when out of the country for months is hard. Fighting over a “no show” fee because I forgot to cancel a gym class when I got last minute orders and had to be on a flight immediately is hard.
I’ve been both government and NGO and the world is not set up to help. Meanwhile my ex is a veteran and now a firefighter. While there are still struggles working out schedules and deployments (he’s a reservist now), things are smoother because if you say military there’s usually more flexibility.
Chiming in here (I’m the OP) – I don’t think it needs to or should be a formal program. I don’t think Americorps is the answer.
Just that I’m currently grappling with the idea of a helping job or giving to charity or volunteering doesn’t feel like enough. Like it should sometimes feel hard.
That isn’t your decision to make for other people. Examine why you think this. Also consider if you would want Donald Trump running such an enterprise.
Most people are selfish and immoral, there is a reason we have laws. Unfortunately you can’t just trust people to be good, a lot need force, that used to be religion but now as we move to science that doesn’t work.
So you think that a form of temporary slavery is the answer?
I actually fundamentally disagree. Most people don’t try to cheat their way through life, they pay their taxes even though the IRS doesn’t have nearly enough staff to audit every single person, they drive roughly the speed limit even if there is no speed trap right there, they say thank you and will hold the elevator. If people weren’t mostly following the rules, we’d need an impossible amount of surveillance and enforcement. We just tend to highlight and remember the bad stories of liars and entitled people, but I don’t believe that they represent anything close to the minority. It’s human nature to focus on the negatives, and even though I’ve thought about this for quite some time, I still click on juicy headlines at least half of the time, to read about the bridezilla, or the possessive husband or other people being told that they are the a-hole by Internet comments. I think consuming this kind of content warps my way of the world so I’m trying to do it less.
Have you looked into this academically? Integrity is pathologized as bad in neurodivergent people because study after study has shown that neurotypical people will do sketchy things behind closed doors if they think they will get away with it.
+1
Not the OP, but this is a strongly held religious belief of mine.
WWJD? He would go to great lengths to serve, help, and love others.
And would he struggle to be civil to people in his life who were less perfect than him? No. If even Jesus can be tolerant surely this OP can be.
“Great good” is pure Marxism.
Sounds like you grew up with money. I did not and I don’t grapple with that. I volunteer, donate and help where I can but I am working to survive and build wealth for my family every day.
OP – solidly middle class. In a family of teachers
Teachers do a lot of good, but I feel they can also be prone to thinking they know what is good for others when they don’t necessarily. It’s something I found difficult about teaching (the expectation to know what’s best for students and try to get them to do things when it wasn’t always clear to me that it was truly in their best interest, and also the tendency some other teachers had to try to get me to conform to their norms even as a colleague).
I have a pretty sacrificial job. I don’t mind it at all. What I mind is that my life is apparently so different than everyone else’s.
When I was working 90 hours a week, in person, during COVID it felt fine because I wasn’t missing out on anything so no one really noticed. Now I miss a lot because of my job and people give me a hard time and it’s like idk what you want me to do. Someone needs to do this job and “if not me then who”?
I think there would be a lot fewer a**holes in the world if there was a mandatory period of retail/food service work for all.
My other hot take is that being a veteran is fine (I am one) but being one should not be held up as something more special than other public service. Make the same programs available to veterans available for public school teachers, public defenders, prosecutors, first responders, janitor at the court house, etc, etc. Public service is public service.
I feel this really strongly.
I work in public service and my parents are both teachers.
My ex was a vet, and while I’m glad he got the benefits he got while in service and that he gets the ones he gets now as a vet, it’s wild how much other public servants don’t get.
Are other public workers being shipped to third world counties?
You realize that military service is not currently compulsory in the US, right? Why on earth should we deify people who choose to go to war at the expense of all other public service workers? I know many a vet who thinks their time spent playing global bully with machine guns means Applebee’s owes them free dinner and I owe them deference. Eff them.
They are.
I don’t have to randomly get moved every year to a place I have no connection to and no people and I don’t get shot at. Also, no one gives me orders AND I can quit. You can’t just quit the Army except when your enlistment is up (unless you’re stop-lossed).
Many do, yes, and many more work in remote areas of the US with 3rd world infrastructure.
Teachers get great health insurance, pensions, and job security.
A) not always
B) they also make peanuts
A 60k starting day in my state. Straight out of college. Quickly going up. Not peanuts.
My mom retired as a teacher recently. She has a MEd and maxed out at around 80K, after decades of experience. We are in a Northeastern city supposedly with good schools. I don’t consider that particularly well compensated. She gets a small pension and no SS because teachers don’t pay into it. They also don’t pay into or receive our state paid family and medical leave.
Yeah my mom is 61, has been teaching since she was 22. She makes 65k in a MCOL area with good schools.
My daughter is a teacher. There’s no pension. There’s a plan she contributes to that is more or less equivalent to your 401k. It’s not “free,” she’s putting her own money it. It’s collectively managed so she doesn’t choose her own investments.
Veteran here. What kind of service did you, 12:20, do that you equate the service of a military member to the service of a janitor? (I love janitors – I have fond memories of so many of them in my life, and I mean that.) Because I spent a year in Iraq and a year in Afghanistan, and no, it was not equivalent to mopping a courthouse. My FIL’s double purple heart and lifelong complications from Agent Orange are not equivalent to mopping a courthouse. My husband’s briefings in the Situation Room advising on literal life and death courses of action are not equivalent to mopping a courthouse or teaching 10th grade or practicing law.
To borrow from Lincoln’s second inaugural address the mission of the Veterans Administration, it is America’s duty, “To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.”
I absolutely believe that teaching and nursing degrees should be free. I hope our rhetorical janitor is covered by a good public retirement plan, and I’d like to see him covered by an even better one. I’m glad law enforcement has good unions to negotiate good benefits. But to say all public servants are equivalent and thus deserve equal benefits, though I appreciate all of them, is absurd.
Obviously it depends a lot on jobs and timing.
My BF was active duty army for 7 years. In my first 18 months at FEMA I had spent more time “deployed” than he had. And I had a low deployment job. I know plenty of people who would have eclipsed him in half of that time.
When I’m deployed I work 12 hour days, 7 days a week. Maybe I get 1 day off a month, but usually not. I frequently get yelled at, have to live and work in austere environments, and now there’s a physical threat to my safety.
Why shouldn’t I get similar benefits?
Marine Corps, active duty, enlisted, discharged as a Corporal, since you asked.
Funny, now that you mention it, so much of my service was janitorial in nature. Heaven knows we spent enough time stripping, waxing and buffing floors.
1:22, because at the end of the day, the purpose of the military is to defend the United States and its interests, to the death if necessary. The military’s mission is not just “go outdoors and work long hours without a shower.” FEMA’s job description does not involve k i l l or be k i l l e d. Are you prepared to d i e for your mission and to k i l l for it? Because to sound all unhinged, 20-something me went overseas for over two years prepared to do just that.
And no, one dude misinformed by FB nonsense – who said he put away his w e a p o n s when he arrived and saw that FEMA was actually doing good things – does not a c o m b a t threat make. https://www.newsnationnow.com/us-news/southeast/man-threatening-fema-workers-north-carolina-speaks-out/
1:25 – I’ve often pondered the government providing a different class of benefits to c o m b a t veterans vs those who only serve in peacetime or don’t deploy. Obviously, some of that is luck – age (this generation has nowhere to go) or unit. But worth a ponder.
2:20 – The *purpose* of the military is not economic interests. I concur that the military has been used for economic goals since WWII, with the exception of Afghanistan and possibly Korea. But no military member takes an oath and k i l l s and is willing to d i e for economic interests. Don’t be mad at the military for following the orders of politicians – blame the politicians for giving the orders. And yes, all the public helpers we’ve been talking about today are worth more to the *public good* than the military, but the military exists for a “just in case” reason. And if just in case ever arrives, you’ll be glad to have it.
I’m not at all anti military, and I’m glad to have it just in case, but so many forms of public service do more for the common good, come at great personal sacrifice, and come at personal risk to the employees and they don’t get half of the benefits of the military.
Why can’t both types of service get the benefits?
Um… i deployed. I did the things. I knew what I was signing up for as does everyone who does what they need to do to get out of crappy hometown with limited opportunity. I also did a ton of mundane crap (all thr floors..) as everyone in the Marine Corps tends to do. Whatever. None of it makes me special and is probably the least interesting thing about me.
Anon at 3:02 – what are your thoughts on the USPHS Commissioned Corps and NOAA Corps?
Important public service jobs, deployments, but not military but full military Bennie’s.
Anon at 3:02 The defacto purpose of our military as it exists today is to maintain economic supremacy. I don’t think individual people enlist for that reason, but when the topic is about devoting your life to a noble cause, individual intent doesn’t matter as much as what the institution is actually doing. All the individual good intentions of our enlisted military don’t erase what the ultimate outcome of what the institution they serve does. I don’t think badly of veterans, and I think they deserve more than what they get now in terms of benefits. But as an institution, the military doesn’t serve some broader humane goal, and we shouldn’t pretend it does.
It’s really disingenuous to say that service members are the only government employees putting their lives on the line.
I work for USAID, and I know several people personally who have been kidnapped overseas while on the job and unfortunately aid workers being killed has been in the news throughout the year. Through my work I work closely with forest service firefighters, and my personal life I know quite a few county or city firefighters, all of whom also put their lives on the line.
Yes, my friends and I don’t have to kill our job. That’s correct. But we know that dying is potential.
I personally think that teachers, public defenders, prosecutors, etc. provide a greater social good than military service. The point of the military is to maintain America’s economic supremacy in the world; that’s not some lofty goal that’s for the greater good. I don’t believe an American life is inherently more valuable than the life of another human being. Afghanistan was a decades long disaster; the reasons for invading Iraq were a blatant lie. What good has our interference in that region done in the long run? Foster global resentment for our high handedness and nothing more. We’re not any safer because of it. WWII was the last time our large-scale military actions really did accomplish something morally worthwhile.
+1
I’m really drawn to service, tried to join the military but didn’t get medically cleared. Now I’m glad that I didn’t – while I very much respect everyone’s service I’ve found my career in social services to be a better fit for me, doing more moral work.
If a “moral” war broke out (a la WW2), I’d happily try to enlist again.
I credit DH being such an equal partner in marriage/kids to his year of civil service required in lieu of military service in his European country of origin. Changing a few diapers is nothing when you’ve cleaned up a detoxing drug addict at 18.
It was well supported both financially (minimum wage) and with emotional support. They had biweekly group therapy meetings with a psychologist.
As the parent of a teen and a person who hires college students and new PhDs, I think a year of formal national service would be a very good thing for nearly all youth and for society as a whole. Uniforms, dorm inspections, PT, roll call, enforced schedules, first aid training, and having to do real, boring, potentially difficult work are all great for building character, discipline, independence, and useful skills in young adults. You can always tell which kids have had even a tiny bit of this type of education through a really good marching band program, summer camp, JROTC, etc. In contrast, the ones who grew up thinking they were going to be social media influencers can’t be bothered to do the jobs for which they were hired.
Some Americorps programs (FEMA Corps) have PT and roll call
I think there’s a middle ground. First, I am allergic to the ideal of “sacrifice,” given its various problematic connotations, and second, I really dislike the ideal of the nation as the central site of service. There are many, many issues with thinking of the nation as the key, often only, place to which to dedicate service.
There aren’t two paths: either JROTC or social media influencers. Being willing to work is key, but that’s not always or best done through the intensely hierarchical structures of military service.
This makes it sound like K12 is really letting kids down.
K12 is not preparing our kids for anything. When I was in school in the 80s, marching band was mandatory if you were in band. I grew so much from the discipline. When my son was in high school, the local schools switched to no mandatory marching band because many student had too much homework. I am sorry but studying into the wee hours for the rat race of AP classes does not make well rounded adults. Also, there was mandatory community service but the kids could do it at school by, as an example, cleaning up the cafeteria. To me, that defeated the value of forcing the teens to get out of their comfort zone, working with adults, and helping others. I got my son a volunteer position at the local legal aid. We need to get our kids away from acedemia all the time and away from constant screens.
This sounds like a first world viewpoint. I.e. a rich person problem.
When you have to worry about financial survival, sacrificing a year of your life is very very unrealistic. Survival is what matters.
Actually, I don’t know a single wealthy person who did Americorps. All middle and lower classes
In contrast, every single person I know who did Americorps was upper middle class and supported by their parents during that time. They may not have been trust fund babies who never have to work in their lives, but they were in no way worried about being able to buy food or pay rent
Anecdotally, everyone who does TFA is wealthy and is supported by their parents. But, people who do Americorps are more likely to be from the community which AC serves abc thus not be wealthy and not be supported by family.
Just to continue the (admittedly tired) conversation from yesterday, some people get so up in arms at the thought of others trying to eat 100+ g of protein in a day. Fruit and veg aren’t mentioned in the context of protein goals but it doesn’t mean they aren’t included in the meal.
Being vegan, vegetarian, eating little meat, or running for my primary source of exercise isn’t my cup of tea either but I’m not tripping over myself to tell people on this board that.
Similar to the political conversations around here, when you don’t conform others find it outlandish.
It’s just funny to me that so many claim to be so open minded but show repeatedly that they are not.
Sometimes people need to distinguish between what’s appropriate for a private journal or blog and what’s appropriate for a public forum – because if you don’t want different opinions, you don’t post your thoughts on the latter. They don’t exist to validate your opinions. Even if you don’t WANT others’ opinions, you’re going to get them, so if that bothers you, then don’t post questions online.
Lolololz girl just let things die don’t rehash them
I also noticed that vegetables were not discussed. For me, trying to maintain a balanced healthy diet is very filling and trying to add in an so much extra protein would make me explode and stop a lot of my good foods.
Everything is a balance depending on your needs I guess.
My elderly relatives who are now increasing their protein were honestly not eating healthy prior and had no way near sufficient protein intake. They also have chronic disease, which affects their needs, and poor exercise habits. Some of them simply became burned out with cooking, loose their appetite/sense of taste. Also fatigue and depression are so common in the elderly and are often associated with less/poor eating.
Some vegetables just aren’t sound enough to be worth the hassle. I don’t trust the soil they are grown in, the pesticides that are put on them or the water that is used to grow them. I’ll eat ones I grow myself but otherwise find them a risky proposition.
Are you concerned about the microplastics and medicines in your dead animals?
Weirdly no, though I get where you’re coming from. I get my meat from a trustworthy butcher who sources responsibly and the vegetables/potatoes/apples from a well-sourced CSA nearby. But I live in an area where this is possible.
I just take issue when people are like, “these baby carrots from the grocery store are so healthy!” But also accept that it’s none of my business.
I am with you. I’m both vegetarian and getting 100g of protein a day. I’d like to get more protein, but it doesn’t work with the vegetarian thing, and the vegetarian thing is more important to me. I used to be a runner and I miss it. I agree that we all have different goals and ways of achieving goals. Mine need not be anyone elses.
I think the issue is that some people think it’s simply a matter of preference but it’s a matter of morals. There’s real harm to the planet and animals.
No one talks about the harm to true nuts and legumes.
Do legumes and nuts feel pain, do they suffer, do they grieve? No, no, and no. The animals we eat (other than a few like oysters or claims or whatever) do suffer, do feel pain, and some of them grieve. Of course, you know all of that.
Just think about those bully carnivores in the animal kingdom. Maybe we can make them vegans one day too.
An appeal to nature! Using logical fallacies I see.
Are you going to pretend that most soy grown isn’t for animal feed or oils that are eaten by everyone?
Got it. I’m going to stop eating veggies too. I will subsist on air and water. Oh wait, both of those are bad too!
Should we all be open minded to recommendations that affect our health from an anonymous fashion blog thred?
Except no one was making the recommendation. They were asking for ideas on how to eat their protein goal.
Wait a minute, is someone taking issue with baby carrots from the grocery store?
Weirdly, as a Californian, I happen to know “the baby carrot guy.”
https://www.grimmway.com/our-story/
Baby carrots are just shaved full size carrots FYI
There’s a new survey out showing that 25% of American adults think they have undiagnosed ADHD. Is it just me or is that absolutely wild?
I saw the headline but didn’t read. Does the stat take into account modern life? Phones and apps and emails and everything? Because of course we have trouble focusing!
Agreed. There’s simply no way that this is all a massive epidemic of undiagnosed ADHD when everybody is glued to their phones every second of every day.
There’s a chicken and egg question here, since having ADHD or an ADHD mimicking condition shortens attention span and predisposes people to chase dopamine, basically making people much more susceptible to being constantly distracted by their phone.
This makes complete sense to me. If not undiagnosed ADHD, some sort of attention issue. There are stats out there but our attention spans have just diminished significantly. We are all turning into Dory.
I think people don’t understand that diagnosed ADHD is not just lowered attention span, just like diagnosed OCD is not just ‘being a neat freak’. It’s wild how many people think they have ADHD until I ask some follow up questions and it’s more like ‘oh, I just have a hard time focusing!’ or ‘I can’t sit still when I’m bored!’. Uh, no, that’s not ADHD.
I once explained to someone who was complimenting me on my weight I wasn’t dieting but ADHD plus migraines mean I both feel less hunger/thirst cues AND then I have wicked nausea/vertigo for a significant portion of the month. The idea that ADHD impacts things other than concentration was totally foreign to them.
They may really test very similarly to ADHD patients thanks to issues like sleep apnea (I think it’s also wild how common legitimate sleep apnea is; why are so many people dealing with this?) and the pandemic (some of the cognitive symptoms of PASC can mimic ADHD). I would argue the more people are doing pot the more people are going around with very impaired attention and short term memory. But if it didn’t start in childhood I think it’s by definition not the neurodevelopmental condition we call ADHD.
My partner is one of the adults who was ‘recently’ diagnosed with ADHD. He has always had it and been a hot mess express, but when he was a child his mom was his external brain, and as an adult I was being his external brain and executive functioning for him. He didn’t get a diagnosis until I lost my marbles because it was too much to do it all. I think there’s probably a lot of ADHDers out there who are undiagnosed and just abusing their partners to function.
+1
+1 Same for me and DH. He had outsourced a chunk of his brain to me and it got exhausting. What caused the diagnosis was I was complaining to my therapist one day that DH had said, “I can only think when there is complete silence and the kids aren’t in the house.” (which is never). And I had said, “Can you just like, close your eyes and focus for a minute, or go to another room? Or go outside?” And he said no, he suggested driving to our vacation home 3 hours away “so he could think.” My therapist said, you know there’s a name for that? It’s called ADHD.
I worry about my kid going down this path. DH and I make concerted efforts to not serve as DS’s brain, but it is difficult sometimes. Luckily, DS has medications that make life better, but they can’t compensate for everything. The kid is 14 and getting him out the door in the morning is STILL a chore.
I feel like 25% of the kids I know have diagnosed ADHD, so that tracks. Whether we’re overdiagnosing or not is a separate issue (I tend to think yes).
I really dislike this trend because it delegitimizes and minimizes the impact of genuine ADHD. Just like the proliferation of fake service dogs and “emotional support animals” causes problems for people with real service dogs.
I guess. I have genuine ADHD and it doesn’t keep me from sympathizing with people who don’t have ADHD but who are definitely, visibly struggling.
I think a lot of it is finally people who are not disruptive white boys having access to diagnosis
This! ADHD doesn’t show up the same in everyone. It’s a form of neurodiversity. I was diagnosed as a WOC in college 20 year ago, and I know many other women have struggled to get diagnoses because we weren’t the kids jumping out of our chairs in school. We trained ourselves to “behave like a good girl”.
But that’s exactly the point. If everyone “has” ADHD, no one is going to believe that your ADHD is actually different from their ordinary absent-mindedness or laziness, so you’ll still get ignored.
IDK. I suspect my husband has ADHD but he is old enough that he was labeled lazy and stupid. Is that better?!
There was a discussion here some time ago about having systems in place to get better organized (like shopping lists or household chores), and someone was convinced that EVERYone who relies on systems is masking something diagnosable. I thought that was ridiculous, but in that context, no wonder people think they have some undiagnosed thing going on?
I remember that thread. It was WILD. The systems I put in place as a neurotypical person is incredibly different than the supports that my ADHD kid needs. And, systems are easy for him to start, but not continue once the initial dopamine rush wears off. That’s a big difference.
I air dry my wavy hair, and am looking for some type of leave in styling cream/mousse. Someone recommended the JVN No Heat Air Dry Cream but it seems pricey – any other recs?
Have you tried the multitude of products at the drugstore? That’s how I found the combo that works for me, but I’d call my hair curly, not wavy, so I won’t bother mentioning it. But it’s just “regular” products like Pantene and Garnier, not fancy products.
I like the Kristin Ess air dry cream
Kristin Ess air drying crème
Curlsmith Weightless Air Dry Cream
+1
OP if you’re still here – I switched awhile ago to this after trying so many others. I now use inexpensive drugstore shampoo and conditioner and this (admittedly pricey) hair cream, and my hair is (FINALLY) more predictably curly. I love it.
What do you want the product to do – tame frizz, provide hold, add shine, seal in moisture? What is your hair texture like?
I tried all of the grocery/drugstore ones before buying the JVN. It’s $20 something for the full size and it’s worth it.
Oooh I’ve been considering the JVN but the reviews are all so good on sephora I was skeptical they might be fake. Now I’m thinking I might give it a shot.
+1
The JVN is fab.
just an observation from my curly hair: what products you’re putting in affects drying time! If I use gel on my hair it’s gonna be wet for 4-8 hours, even if I blowdry it for 15 minutes to the 85% mark. If I put mousse on my hair it’s going to be dry in 2 hours. experiment with a bit and see if the tradeoff in drytime is worth it to you sometimes.
Favorite recipes/dishes for a holiday open house? I’ve been throwing this party for years and need to shake it up.
And if you’re a sweets person, what sweets do you want? Cookies? Would you take a slice of home made pound cake if it were available and pre-sliced? My guests never grab individually wrapped chocolates, like Lindors or Hershey kisses.
I just made a pumpkin roll for a family party and it was a hit with those who love sweets. Slices easy for taking home too should someone want a slice. I’m not a sweets person. I love skewers of any type personally.
What is the difference between a holiday open house and a holiday party? Intrigued but need more details!
Ha :) For us, we alternate our holiday party (20-ish years now!) between a Sunday afternoon, drop in any time it fits into your errands, open house vs. a Saturday evening holiday party with a firm start time that people generally observe within 30 mins or so.
If you are serving individually wrapped chocolates there needs to be an obvious place to dispose of the wrappers. People are also probably prioritizing homemade goodies over bagged chocolates. If you want people to eat your homemade loaf cake you need to cut the slices in half, have forks and plates available, and make it look interesting and not dry. Plain pound cake probably won’t get eaten, but a lemon loaf or a marble swirl might.
Homemade spiced nuts are popular, as are caprese skewers with or without prosciutto. Little savory bites like stuffed mushrooms, mini quiches, puff pastry swirls, etc. might be appealing, especially if they are low-carb. People love deviled eggs.
I like making baked brie bites for an appetizer. I use the recipe from Mel’s Kitchen Cafe. There’s also a sweet & spicy pecans recipe from Once Upon a Chef that’s really good.
I would definitely take a piece of cake if it was pre-wrapped and ready to go!
Sweets: cupcakes, Yule log, gourmet brownies.
individually wrapped brownies and rice krispie treats sounds easy and awesome
At an open house I would prioritize finger food. For sweets that means small cookies and nothing wrapped. It’s awkward to hold a plate and a fork and a glass, and so I never end up reaching for cake type offerings.
I’d skip the wrapped candy; it’s pretty but (1) you have to fumble to unwrap it, and (2) they’re not that good compared to a good homemade cookie.
Agree on finger foods for this type of party. I would make a combo of cookies and homemade candy like fudge, brittles, and barks, all set out in bite-size pieces on plates.
It’s easier to eat a cookie than a piece of cake, even if I think the cake looks better. If I’m standing, I’m eating finger foods.
If I have a place to sit, like an actual table, I’m taking the cake, pie, cheesecake, tart/torte, but I’m probably not taking any of those to eat from a little plate in my lap sitting on your couch.
– Pumpkin soda bread is easy and usually a hit.
– Derby Pie is a nice choice, pre-sliced it holds up such that guests do not need a plate or fork to enjoy.
– While pre-made candies may not have moved for your historically, homemade candy treats in paper cups may do well. Those super simple Oreo truffles are no-bake, and unreasonably delicious.
– I think your instinct is right on with cookies, always a hit in the holiday season.
– On the savory side: I’ve made a brie and cranberry app that people love — cracker, slice of brie, spoonful of reduced and slightly sweetened cranberries. Delicious and easy to enjoy on the go.
I love a good Oreo truffle!
I could eat roughly 100 of those Oreo truffles
Smoked trout dip is a crowd pleaser. You can serve it like a sip with crackers and crudité, or slice cucumber rounds and place a dab of smoked trout dip on each round and set that out like a canapé. Trust me, it will disappear!
I WFH. Looking for an alternative to yoga pants that are comfy but more stylish so I don’t feel like such a bum when I’m running errands.
Ponte knit pants. I bought some ages ago from Macys. I think Spanx might have some. I used to wear slim fit ones all the time to my casual office.
Stretchy boyfriend jeans. I wear a pair from Kut from the Kloth that’s comfortable enough to sleep in on overnight flights.
I am really into the Kut From the Kloth Meg wide-leg jeans lately. Size way down; they run huge.
Athleta has some trouser-y options I like.
Anthropologie Colette pants! Specifically the linen ones. They look put together but are stretchy and very comfortable.
i just wear old office pants that are no longer suitable for office for various reasons such as size/color/fit/snags etc.
T by Talbots stretch pants with wide waist bands and rear patch pockets (they might call them yoga pants, but they look like normal work-ready pants, just super stretchy).
Talbots also recently offered some wide-leg knit stretch pants with a wide waist band.
You might like to consider wide-leg knit Hutton pants from the Chico’s traveler’s collection.
I’m an attorney in government, and have been in the same agency since graduating law school 13 years ago. I’m thinking of looking for a new job, but I have no idea where to start. Most people at my agency stay their entire careers (moving around) or move away, so I don’t have many people to ask. I’m in the NYC area.
Where do you look? LinkedIn?
Before you go, would you be giving up any sort of pension?
Start with a headhunter. Good luck!
is there a good place to buy things like Visa gift cards online? I don’t have time to run to the store this week but want to get some gift purchases crossed off my list.
please don’t give Visa gift cards. They are really annoying to spend. I’ve ordered physical gift cards to other retailers off Amazon before.
Target you can for sure order physical gift cards online, but I’d suggest waiting until the weekend after Thanksgiving, when Target has historically run a 10% off sale for gift card purchases.
Agreed, no Visa gift cards. Especially annoying when in small dollar amounts, i.e. <$50-$100.
Yes I can never manage to spend Visa gift cards. I hate them. Do Target, Walmart, Amazon for someone you don’t know well, or if you know them better, get a gift card to a store or restaurant they like. No Visa!