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Updated: Jun 8, 2021 266 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Lookout Sleeveless Shirtdress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | · ·

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This Nic + Zoe shirtdress is a great easy, breezy (but still office-appropriate) piece for summer. The wavy pattern provides some visual interest without being too over-the-top, and I love that the fabric has a little stretch to it.

In the spirit of the newly-relaxed dress codes that a lot of offices seem to be adopting this year, I might be bold enough to wear this to work without a blazer or a sweater this summer. If you’re not quite there yet, I would wear it with a navy blazer for a preppy, professional look.

The dress is $218 at Nordstrom and is available in sizes 1X–3X and S–XXL.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Winter Coats

    What’s the best way to sell winter coats that are in excellent/like-new condition? I have 2-3 winter coats from J. Crew that I purchased within the past three years but don’t really wear. Should I sell them via eBay, Poshmark, a local consignment store, or something else? I’ve never sold anything through eBay or Poshmark, and am unfamiliar with the process but definitely willing to give it a shot.

    Also, should I wait to sell until late fall?

    • Anon

      It totally depends on your financial situation. I personally don’t bother trying to resell old clothes, they’re not investments. I just donate them.

    • Anon

      I think it’s hard to mail a coat. I’m lazy though. What I’d do is find a good consignment store locally and see when they will take coats (fall sometime, not now). Then I’d drop it off and see what happens. If it doesn’t sell by the end of the consignment period, I’d just donate it and take the writeoff.

    • AZCPA

      Clothing that’s fairly good (like J Crew) but not designer tends to have a pennies on the dollar return when selling secondhand, especially consignment. Your best money will be Poshmark most likely, though still not great. If they are something like the Lady Day Coat that’s identifiable, you’ll do a little better.

      Take a look at some of the listings out there for similar items (you can search sold listings too) to get an idea of how to write the listing. You’ll need plenty of pics showing condition.

      As far as timing, peak of summer probably isn’t ideal. But you can always list and continue to share/edit the listing through the fall. And yes, all of this is rather involved – I generally don’t bother for anything other than like new fairly high end/distinctive items and donate to a women’s shelter instead.

    • Anon

      I’ve bought J Crew coats on eBay and Poshmark. I think I paid $60 which I thought was a deal. I see them for more but don’t know if they sell for more or if those listings sit around a long time.

    • Anon

      Definitely depends on brand and availability, you should research closed listings to see what they went for. I have a few coats with the tags still on (I bought wholesale, then lost 60 pounds that year) and they’re worth so little that I’m hanging on to them for my company’s annual coat drive instead.

      Definitely avoid ThredUp. They are notorious for giving pennies on the dollar, or even saying something is unsaleable and then stealing it by listing it anyway.

    • Anonymous

      I do local consignment store. It’s very little but I’d rather help a local business and I don’t have the time to fool around with selling online and dealing with strangers who may be unhappy etc. If they don’t sell in the allotted time at the store, the items can be picked up or donated to charity and I just let them go to charity.

      Pre-pandemic – we used to do an annual ‘I bought it and didn’t like it, but you might’ night with wine. Everyone brings new or like new stuff they don’t want, and two bottles of wine. Go home with a new bottle of wine to try and a bag of new/nearly new stuff. Hostess serves some 2nd bottles of wine and keeps extra as a thank you for hosting. Anything not selected is dropped of by hostess at local women’s shelter. We take turns hosting.

    • IL

      Depending on where you are, coat drives might be a better option. Local charities collect the coats for school children, for those experiencing housing insecurity, etc. Retailers also participate: I believe Brooks Brothers partners with One Warm Coat and lets you trade in old coats for $100 off a new coat – at least they did back in the winter of 2019 when I donated through them.

    • anon

      I sold two of my J Crew coats many years ago on ebay. It was the only platform I used back then and after shipping and fees, I got to keep like $30 or $40 for each. I took a bunch of pictures showing the dimensions and condition of the coats, definitely a lot of effort. With that said, I quit using ebay nowadays because they have pretty crap protection for sellers. A buyer can claim the merchandise smell bad and because smell isn’t part of the description they can demand a refund for “item not as described”, with return shipping being on the seller. And there’s no way you can win that dispute because how do you prove something like smell?
      TL;DR I don’t recommend ebay unless you want a lot of hassle.

    • kitten

      Poshmark is seller-friendly. I sold a wool jcrew coat there recently and it was light enough to fit within the standard Poshmark shipping allowance. The fees are like 20% though. If it’s just sitting around you could list it now but if it doesn’t sell I’d relist in the fall.

  2. Fallen

    I just moved to a new neighborhood, and I am wondering how others manage to make friends in the neighborhood? So far I have talked to a lot of my neighbors but nothing more than that. Now that I WFH a lot it would be nice to have friends in the neighborhood!

    • Equestrian attorney

      We moved in February and once the weather was nice enough, we started an informal tradition of socially distanced outdoor gatherings with the neighbors on our front steps on Fridays. Other people stop by to join in, and it’s a great way to meet people. We also have a cute puppy, so I’ve met a lot of people walking to dog.

      • CountC

        +1 I started inviting my neighbors over for driveway socially distanced hangouts during the lockdown.

    • Anonymous

      My mom is an absolute pro at this. It helps that she’s pretty extroverted but here are things I’ve noticed her doing when I’ve been home. She has friends of all ages in our neighborhood – from my age (late 20s) to my grandmother’s age (early 80s).

      I’ve noticed that she does two main things. One, she just introduces herself and chats with them and asks about their life. Two, she mentions her own hobbies, and if they share a hobby, she invites them to do something. To be fair, she has a lot of hobbies – taking walks, riding bikes, playing tennis, sewing, etc..

      Also, if they are chatting on the street for more than 5 minutes she’ll often invite them to our house (e.g., do you want to have a cup of tea on the front porch? I made cookies if you want one -we can eat them on the deck). It creates more of a relationship than just casual chatting.

    • Anon

      We are the only family on our street with a large fenced in yard. We have cute dogs. We invite the owners of the other neighborhood dogs to bring their dogs to play in our yard. We offer them beverages while they are there. We basically have a backyard dog park now. We don’t have the nicest lawn but we have the one that’s the most fun!

  3. Ara

    Just caught up on the discussion about generic vs. name brand meds from yesterday. My cheap self has always taken the generic version of Wellbutrin and its worked very well – guess I should keep an eye out and make sure I always get that generic, never the name brand one.

    • Anon

      It sounds like you misunderstood. The OP experienced a difference between two different generic manufacturers. Not between the name brand and generic in general. If you experienced a problem after refilling your prescription, you’d be keeping an eye out for a different manufacturer, not for the name brand.

      I personally have had a problem with an extremely heat and moisture sensitive medication I take (always generic). I don’t know for sure why manufacturer (a) has been more reliable for me than manufacturer (b). But manufacturer (a) is in Canada, so I always figured that it must be easier to keep the medication cool at all times (production, shipping and handling) than in south Asia, where manufacturer (b) is located. And I’ve read that climate control is one of the most common “cut corners” in drug manufacturing in general (it’s one of the reasons why the FDA’s switch to pre-announced inspections is controversial).

      • anon

        Correct. I commented on the post yesterday– the pharmacy is never going to give out a name brand drug if they don’t have to. The name brand of WB is extraordinarily expensive if I recall and unlikely to be covered by insurance right off the bat. But OP should note the manufacturer of this generic and make sure this is what she gets.

        • Anon

          I thought it was usually insurance that blocked name brand. I assume pharmacies like to sell expensive medications? But they also like to be paid at all, and most insurance plans won’t pay for name brand without a reason.

          There are many reasons to have to request a specific generic manufacturer. For example most manufacturers of my thyroid meds use a gluten-free/wheat-free formulation, but there are a few manufacturers that do not. If the pharmacy will source the gluten-free/wheat-free version for me, that saves me a lot of money vs. needing to have a custom hypoallergenic preparation compounded the way many allergy patients need to do! Etc.

          • Anom

            State laws generally mandate generic substitution unless physician indicates otherwise.

          • anon

            I meant that a pharmacy isn’t going to give out a name brand drug because insurance won’t pay for it. I can see how that comment was unclear. I also promise I know the word “dispense.” Not sure why I chose to say “give out.”

    • Anon

      I missed that discussion but I also have to take brand name – in my case Synthroid. I was taking a generic and my TSH levels were all over the place, causing my dr to increase my dose, which in turn resulted in me being hyperthyroid and landing in the hospital due to the effects on the heart. It’s name brand only from here on out.

      • Anon

        I feel like thyroid meds are getting recalled for inconsistent dosing all the time. It’s very frustrating.

        I take T3/T4 so I’m a little less likely to have heart problems when going hyper, but the last few years have been a train wreck of having to switch manufacturers and figure out my dose repeatedly.

        And when I was on the perfect dose and feeling great, the FDA recalled the med for being subpotent–without informing anyone how subpotent it was. So my doctors had no idea what the dose I was stable on actually was and it took months to figure out what dose I needed from an alternative manufacturer. Thanks a lot, FDA!

  4. Anonymous

    How did you learn to become good at asking for help, delegating, and communicating expectations? I’ve taken several lumps in my personal and professional life lately that all point to the same problem: I don’t ask for help/delegate until I’m overwhelmed, then I’m too frazzled to communicate expectations effectively, the delegatee is at a disadvantage because she had to get up to speed quickly, and I don’t check in on progress like I should. Some of this is because I’ve never done/run these projects before, or it’s things I’ve done before but on a much larger scale, so I don’t have a great understanding of what needs to be done and where the log jams will be. I think I need to enlist the help of a mentor much earlier in the process, so they can give me some advice on how to staff things and what will need to be done. But then, I don’t really know what specifically to ask. Little things seem to crop up at the last minute that I didn’t anticipate, and it throws my whole plan off kilter, even though I thought I had built in enough time for unexpected problems. And that takes us full circle to my original question: how did you learn to ask for help in a constructive way so you actually get the help you need?

    • pugsnbourbon

      Seeing a lot of myself in this comment. Some quick things that have helped me:
      – bake the delegation into your planning. When you’re mapping out the tasks, actively choose ones you’re going to hand off.
      – quick 1:1s with your manager/director. These can be just 15 minutes, but I find that talking through the challenges on a particular project helps me point out places I could use help.
      – regular team meetings – you can get a sense of which folks have some capacity and which team members need some help themselves.
      – Has anyone at your company run these kinds of projects before? A 30 minute meeting to talk about the challenges they’ve experienced might help you see those logjams before they create problems.

      • Anonymous

        Agree with all this advice. Not sure how relevant to the task, but I also find it helps to identify and publicly codify the goals with scope and get shared buy-in on the ultimate stakeholders responsible for final approval/selection/sign-off etc. up front. Experience has taught me that “unforeseen constraints” or unexpected changes in scope are far more likely to occur if this doesn’t get fleshed out before jumping into scheduling. As you put together a schedule and assign tasks, build in mini-deadlines with a group status call—this will force some of those project updates for when you’re in the thick of things and feeling too overwhelmed to schedule. And don’t be a hero. Just like you pad extra time around deadlines, view your bandwidth as a resource for the project the same way. You want to underestimate the tasks you can be assigned responsibility for at the outset.

    • AFT

      Recognize the points where you get overwhelmed and who you used to help during that time and repeat. E.g., if it’s in the week of discovery deadlines, enlist whatever more junior person previously helped you dig out of the time crunch but ask them to draft the first set of responses and provide them to you 1 week before the deadline. I find it’s much easier to delegate when you can say “remember what we did last time? do that again here but change X”

    • Anon

      Make a plan from the beginning and talk it out with someone you trust. They’ll help you spot gaps and problems.

    • CPA Lady

      You’ve gotten good advice for your professional life, but since you also mention your personal life, here’s a suggestion:

      I have found the most success in delegating an entire task-group/set of related tasks to the other person. And being pretty rigid about it always being their task (though obviously things will come up from time to time). Things fall through the cracks way more often if we’re switching back and forth who does what.

      So for instance, my husband does all the meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking. Because he owns the entire process from beginning to end, there’s no confusion at any point that would cause problems. Do we always eat what I want? Nope, but I eat whatever appears before me with a smile on my face because I don’t have to even think about feeding myself.

      I do the entirety of getting the kid ready to go in the morning and taking her to school, and he gets the kid home from school and later does the entirety of bedtime. Divide and conquer!

  5. Anon

    Good timing – I am wearing a sash-belted shirtdress today. I have no waist, but I do have a tummy. I am thinking of ditching the sash because it tends to ride above my tummy and look vaguely maternity-ish (I’m not pregnant and this is a regular item of clothing). Without the sash, it’s just a large block of fabric. I think that I may prefer block to baby-on-board, but I wish that there were even a tiny bit of shaping (why it is block or shift shaping or nothing but sheaths? Is there no in between?)

    • Sunshine

      It won’t help you today, but could you have the sash sewn onto the dress so that it stays in place? Alternatively, would a belt work better to stay in place while also providing shape?

    • anon

      Does it have loops? Maybe you can loop the sash through and then either double the sash back on itself and tie it in the back or just tie it looser overall? The former may nip it in at the waist a bit for you.

      • Anon

        OP here — of course not! I think that clothing is made in the least-costly manner, so linings, belt loops, darts, etc. are probably all things of the past.

    • Ribena

      It can be pretty easy to sew your own belt loops for a dress if you have thread in a colour that will blend in. I have done it for a few dresses with this problem.

    • anon

      I have a similar shape, and I find switching to an actual belt sometimes helps, depending on the dress. The tabitha stretch belt from anthro really seems to work over most of my dresses, and is more comfortable than most belts.

    • Anon

      I love my Zuri dresses. They are fitted in the shoulders, and that seems to make all the difference for me in how they lay (and avoiding the maternity look). I think some people do wear them belted, but I don’t and get tons of compliments.

  6. Botox in Philly

    Hi – I recently moved to Philly and looking for a good place to get Botox (or the equivalent.) Prefer a center city location but willing to drive for an excellent place.

    TIA

  7. Anon

    does anyone own the Soludos Ashore sneakers? they look cute and comfy, but wanted to see if anyone has any feedback

    • NYCer

      I have them and like them a lot! They aren’t as comfortable as running shoes, but I can wear them all day and be fine. I also have the leather version Soludos sneakers and like those a lot as well.

      • Anon

        how does sizing run? and do you wear socks with them? can you put them in the washing machine?

        • NYCer

          I find the sizing to run pretty true to size. I did get a 10 in the leather Ibiza sneakers, but a 9.5 (my usual size) in the Ashore sneakers. I do not wear socks with them. They are cut fairly low, so you definitely would have to get the “no show” type socks. Given the woven type fabric of the shoe, I feel like you might be able to see the socks? I guess that doesn’t really matter though! I have not put them in the washing machine.

  8. Anon

    Has anyone here who has had sinus surgery wound up having to have it redone b/c of scar tissue forming? Is it just as awful as the original? At this point, I told my ENT that having avoided drowning this year b/w working remotely and schools being closed, I am just going deal with being 75% back to normal vs trying for perfect right now.

    [And I hate this — how wrong of it that I am so exhausted by this year that I am possibly putting a legit health need second to my need to not need to constantly scream into a pillow from the stress?]

    • anne-on

      Ugh, yes, me. I had my sinuses lasered probably about 12 years ago. It was great for a long time, and then gradually got worse after I had my son. I am getting a lot more allergies/migraines than I ever used to and my ENT is pushing me to have a more invasive version of the surgery this time around. I am frankly NOT enthused about it but I’m going to bite the bullet and schedule some consults this summer as work is a bit slower then, and possibly try to have the surgery over the winter holidays.

    • Anonymous

      Mental health and physical health both matter. Sometimes physical health needs don’t need to be addressed immediately but mental health needs do – that’s what you did.

      End is near on the pandemic. Good time to start looking into surgical revision options.

    • anonchicago

      YES. I’ve had 4 sinus surgeries; the first 2 were as a kid. The 3rd was right before COVID (so, 20 years later) and resulted in scarring and another surgery to remove when hospitals opened up again. After some dissatisfaction with my ENT, I found another dr who recommends another surgery because the scar is recurring. For now, I am putting that off with the help of sprays but will need the repair in another year or so.

      Don’t feel guilty about getting this done. The ability to breathe without issue is critical to your quality of life.

      And if you are anywhere near Chicago, i feel like I’ve seen every ENT in town and happy to give recs.

      • ENT Please?!

        Not the OP, but I’m moving to Chicago and in desperate need of a good ENT.

        Signed,
        Two sinus surgeries before the age of 23

  9. anon dc

    I live in DC now and am considering moving to Falls Church. For people in the area, what it is like to move out of the city? DH and I have two young kids and absolutely looove our nw neighborhood. Everything we need, grocery store, library, park, and best friends are within walking distance. We would move because we are growing out of our condo and need a middle school plan (oldest is in first grade, so we have some time). Another option is to move west of the park, but inventory is low and the market is nuts. We are a little lost on where to move and when, since we like our charter elementary school. I would love any help or insight!

    • Anon

      FC city is a legally distinct area (with separate schools) from places served by either FC metro stop or address. Whatever you want, just make sure that you are getting it. Nothing wrong with living in Arlington legally, but then you can’t send your kid to FC schools. Taxes will be different also.

    • Anon

      i think every person/family is different. a bit of a different take, but my parents lived in NYC in a two bedroom and with child #2 decided they either needed to buy a bigger apartment or leave the city all together. They ended up doing the latter and actually ended up in the other side of DC (Montgomery County). When they moved, I was entering 3rd grade and my sibling was entering K. Switching schools at that age was pretty easy for me and obviously for my sibling. For my parents it was a huge huge change not walking everywhere (they had lived in the city for 20+ years) and this was obviously pre-google maps and smart phones, but over time they adjusted and think it was one of the best decisions they ever made. it also helps that at that time, MD was much less expensive than NYC and they could not have afforded the same quality of life in nyc. that being said, i’m still a city girl at heart, hate driving and prefer walking. we are about to buy a house that is going to have me spending a lot more time in the car, which i’m dreading. in terms of timing, when does your youngest begin K? I might think about trying to move by then bc it was very easy for my parents to make friends through my sibling’s friends parents since they still needed a parent to coordinate playdates, etc., On the other hand, I have cousins who stayed in DC with their kids, but that side of the family has some family money so they were able to do private school

    • Anonymous Grouch

      If you look, you’ll find walkable neighborhoods in Alexandria (Del Rey), Falls Church, Vienna, Arlington, Fairfax City and other places. Kingstowne is also very walkable, although it’s newer so you don’t get the cutsie “small town” feel. You’ll get an older, smaller home, but with almost all of what you want within walking distance. Since you have some time just don’t get sucked into the first giant mcmansion in a neighborhood with no sidewalks that the realtor tries to show you.

      • pugsnbourbon

        We used to live in the Landmark-Lincolnia area, and the neighborhoods around Ben Brenman park and Cameron Run park seemed really nice. This was 10 years ago though and I have no idea about the schools, but there were a lot of families around. Had friends in Del Ray but it was expensive and the market was wild even back then, so I imagine it’s bonkers now.

    • Anon

      If I loved my neighborhood in the city, I would not move. The housing market is completely bananas right now; I would wait to see what happens while enjoying the neighborhood and the charter elementary school. I might get a realtor so that if a larger place does pop up in the neighborhood, I don’t miss it. My thought is that different middle school options may open up; presumably all the other parents sending their kids to your charter elementary will also need a middle school plan?

      • Anon dc

        OP here- thank you for all of the responses so far. Yes, I’m hoping middle school options will open up, there are a lot of us in the same boat.

        • Anonymous

          I wish that poster who was an appellate attorney in DC would weigh in. IIRC she also was raising her kids in an apartment in the city? And seemed like she had it figured out.

          For my $0.02, FC is the worst of suburbia. Soccer moms galore, racist incidents, other unpleasantness. Yes, it happens everywhere, but I don’t think the tradeoff, even with the schools, is worth it. Plus the traffic to get anywhere worth going on the weekends or especially during the week is awful (Seven Corners).

          • anon dc

            OP again – this is interesting insight. I had no idea about the vibe there. Can you please tell me more about the racist incidents and other unpleasantness?

    • DcReader

      We moved from DC to McLean this year and will be moving back. The suburbs are not for me. We have a first grader too. I would (1) look at the townhouses in embassy park (more space, good elementary, middle is ok, may feed to the proposed new high school or if not, Wilson); (2) take a a good look at charters for middle (Latin, Basis); (3) wait. Prices everywhere in the DMV (out to Nokesville) are insane and inventory is low. Prices may well stay where they are but inventory will go up.

  10. Anon

    The DC-CLT question last night got me thinking. In my smaller city, I had to pick up my kids from day care by 7. Then they went to a school that had after school care where you had to pick up by 6. If school restarts next fall, the bus will drop them off around 5 (and thankfully they are old enough to be dropped off and be home alone) but if they have things after school, they have to be picked up there promptly after the activity ends. In a small city, I barely have made all of these times. IDK how it would have been if I had been somewhere where I had a commute, traffic, inevitable delays and car troubles, etc. I know you all do it — some days (today!), I am in awe that it happens. I imagine that while I would have wanted to work, I would have been overwhelmed and probably have thrown in the towel or sought PT work. These are all work hours where I am sure the childless / guy co-workers are still at it and not driving around town picking people up and in line for takeout.

  11. anon

    Does anyone else hate listen to Forever35? I feel like it’s a car crash I can’t look away from. I know, it’s petty and mean of me to tear down other women, but I guess I keep listening because I keep hoping they’ll get better. Doree is the least self aware person. She’s constantly talking about how she’s trying to get her finances in order but then she goes on to buy SO much stuff–for herself, her kid, her husband. And then she goes on a “purging” spree where she gives everything away or sells it. It’s so wasteful! And totally out of place with their whole, we care about the environment and are anti-waste vibe. She’s also really condescending to Kate. I like Kate more, but she’s also pretty wasteful and seems very involved in consuming stuff. I guess it’s kind of their job to talk about stuff they buy but I wish they’d just acknowledge the dissonance there. They seem like smart people who I’d probably want to hang out with if I met them in person, which I guess is why I find them so frustrating–I want them to do better! Anyway, just curious if I’m the only one who feels this way. All the letters/calls they feature are of course from people who seem to adore them. I’m sure they get some people like me in their inbox but you’d never know.
    Ok, now that I’ve got that off my chest, anyone have recommendations for similar shows that aren’t so vapid? I just found Everything is Fine, which is ok, but I’d like to hear about others.

    • Cb

      Maybe the Girl Next Door podcast, which has a similar conversational vibe. Or Bad on Paper?

      • anon

        A caveat to Girl Next Door — I like the hosts in general, but if you’re a full-time working mom, you may find it hard to listen to the episodes that are geared toward parenting. Not that it’s any of my business, but my feelings about the pod changed when Kelsey decided to become a full-time SAHM. They’ve completely lost touch with the working mom perspective and quite a bit of their parenting advice is just not relevant unless you’re similarly stationed.

        • Cb

          Yeah, I find parenting content so hit and miss, so much of it is geared to SAHM or people with LOTS of kids. Like I don’t need a summer camp spreadsheet or multiple drivers.

        • Anon

          I completely agree! I was disappointed when Kelsey made the switch. I had really enjoyed hearing her balanced perspective about being a working mom who still made time for her own interests. Now she is fully embracing the SAHM life, which I don’t begrudge her—I’m thrilled she’s happy—but it is just not relevant to me at all.

    • Ribena

      I like The Wingwoman, which is a similar vibe (though slightly younger hosts). Although that said the guest on the recent episode, talking about millennial love, really infuriated me, because she was talking about how her single friends had “spent the pandemic working on themselves” and didn’t seem to be keen to jump back into dating. Not what I’m hearing or experiencing, it’s safe to say.

      • Ellen

        Of course we should jump right back into dating, once we know the guy is FULLY vaccinated. In NY, you should insist on seeing his Excelsior Pass, which is on line and available from his iphone or his Android, having his name, Date of birth and expiration date of the vaccine he got. Only once he shows you this will you able to feel comfortable that he can be close to you for s-x and intimacy. Otherwise, keep him at arms length at least and if he can’t prove it, just have him download the app and complete it, which can be done in a matter of minutes. Cuomo vooched for it, and it was developed by IBM, so it can’t be all bad. I have it on MY iphone and my iPad, so it is readily available for anyone to see that I want to show. Note that you can’t lie about your age any more b/c it is right on the App. That’s OK, because I can’t pass for 30 any more. But be careful of men because they think they can lie, but they are really dumb if they do. FOOEY on them!

    • Anonymous

      Apparently lacking self awareness is just considered a normal psychological trait. Being self aware is actually pathologised. You should have seen the wheels turning in my therapists mind when we were discussing ‘treat yourself’ culture and I commented that I think it’s dumb to try and cheer myself up with a consumer good that causes incredible unhappiness to the people producing it under abusive conditions.

      • Anon

        It’s almost as if the mental health industry exists to help preserve the status quo.

      • Anon

        To be fair, therapists often struggle to deal with people who are introspective, work on their issues, and are still struggling. (In therapy, blind spots, counterproductive interpersonal skills, and stubbornness are the low-hanging fruit.) I hit this from a different angle: by the time a situation has me seeking therapy, it has gotten so out of hand that normal tools are not enough to solve it; those have been tried and fail.

        Out of curiosity, why were you discussing “treat yourself” culture?

        • Cora

          This is interesting. I’ve been to therapy on and off and at this point I feel like I can give myself therapy. I am introspective, and I have figured out a lot of issues and how to deal with them. I go to a therapist to try and address things that I want to actually figure out, not just have coping mechanisms for but tbh I haven’t gotten that. At that point medication is what I’ve found to be most helpful (I’m fine with that!).

          • pugsnbourbon

            I agree with this. I’m looking for therapists right now and I’m being upfront about needing a “problem-solving” approach.

          • CountC

            This is why I love my therapist – she is no B.S. and she does not let me leave a session without a concrete action plan and homework. At this point, I generally only need a tune up once every 6 months or for a very specific issue, and I know myself very well so it’s more of a talk it out to a person who will hold me on my bullsheet and make me look in the mirror kind of way. They are out there!

            Mine is doing virtual appointments, and I am happy to share her information in an email if anyone is interested.

          • anne-on

            CountC – would you mind sharing your therapist’s info? I think you described EXACTLY what I am looking for – I don’t want to dither around talking about my feelings, I’ve already analyzed those, lets talk about how to do the work please!

          • anon2

            anne-on – sure thing, but I would be more comfortable sharing via email. Shoot me an email at lizzyhicken zero one at gmail.com. Thanks!

        • emeralds

          As an introspective person who is (I think?) generally pretty clear-eyed about my issues and has worked to identify my own strategies to address them, and who started going to therapy last month and has been mostly finding it a stressful and unhelpful exercise…thank you for posting this.

        • Anonymous

          I’m honestly not sure what was the specific trigger for treat yourself culture to become a discussion point. I have to assume it was just general pandemic chaos but I really don’t remember.

      • Anonymous

        I agree that it’s out of the norm in our culture to think all that critically about the big picture of our consumer choices. The economy would fall apart if all affluent people spent money only in tightly circumscribed ethical ways.

        At the same time, what you said sounds like an intelligent, informed, but very depressed comment. I’m not saying it’s wrong–it isn’t. But I wonder if your therapist was partly turning wheels because she was thinking about how your depression was manifesting, and thinking about the best way to respond. I am speaking as a licensed counselor and as a depressed person.

    • Anonymous

      I only listened to one or two episodes but I couldn’t get into it for similar reasons. I don’t enjoy “hate listening/watching/reading” things. Like my liberal friend who hate reads Fox news comments. It’s just not for me!

    • Monday

      I stopped listening a long time ago, and for me it was their lack of acknowledgment about misogyny and ageism in the whole “anti-aging” pursuit. Of course everyone wants to look their youngest, and it’s right there in the title, but I don’t think you can have an entire podcast about it with an intelligent or feminist perspective without at least admitting the underlying problems. And I was probably 37 when I had that reaction! Not exactly way out of their target demo.

      • anon

        Exactly! I think this is what bothers me most about it! I’m sure they’d call themselves feminists, so I wish they’d bring some self awareness and a feminist critical stance into their dialogue. I think it would be a better show for it. That said, are there any feminist minded shows like this? I was hoping Jessica Valenti had a podcast but no luck. :(

        • Monday

          Aubrey Gordon, aka “Your Fat Friend,” has a podcast called Maintenance Phase for debunking and making fun of wellness and diet culture! In my experience with her book, she’s focused less on gender as the central issue than she is on “health-ism” and the way it denigrates anyone whose body deviates from the ideal in any way.

    • anon

      I tried that podcast and couldn’t get into it. I didn’t like the hosts that much in general.

      But — I know SO MANY PEOPLE who are in the buy/sell/purge cycle and can’t seem to stop. Consumerism is rampant in our culture.

    • test run

      I’ve listened to it for years and still do mostly because I’m just used to it and so it works well as background noise for cleaning, driving, etc. but I totally agree with your critiques. I kind of empathize with Doree b/c when I was younger I was a person that was also very boldly asserting how logical all my bad decisions were, constantly cycling between buying/purging stuff, having a strong dissonance between my values and my actual actions, etc. so it’s interesting to listen to her now that I’ve grown up a little bit and am less that way (I hope). I pretty much always disagree with her advice on the mini-episodes (especially when they talk about things having to do with work, since neither of them work in an office anymore? it always makes me cringe) and I bet Kate would agree with your criticism of her as she seems more self-aware of the two, though I agree that sometimes she’s just like “I’m not good at this!” and seems to think that’s sufficient? I do appreciate that they seem to have made an effort to be more diverse in their choice of guests and they talk less about buying stuff than they used to. Still, totally agree with everything you said above.

      • anon

        Yeah, but Doree is 43! I had that same issue when I was younger, too, but I was in my 20s then. I’m 42 now, and long past the time when I was so deeply invested in consuming things as a quick fix to solving minor issues or making me feel better about life. That’s why it’s hard to empathize with her. Ugh, glad I’m not the only one. I was feeling like a jerk for being so critical.

    • Anon

      I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about Forever35, Girl Next Door, and Everything Is Fine.

      Forever35: I love some aspects of it but agree that the longer I listen, the more I can’t stand the way Doree treats Kate! She is so dismissive of her. Meanwhile, Kate self-flagellates to a ridiculous degree. They seem codependent, like they bring out the worst in each other. I do love their longer interviews depending on the guest. The mini eps I could take or leave. The listeners who write in are over-the-top in their love for the pod and seem to have parasocial relationships with the hosts.

      Girl Next Door: Hit or miss for me. I think Kelsey and Erica are so sweet. However, as an urban single 40-something with an intense job, I have little in common with two SAHMs in smaller-town Arizona and the gap has only widened over the years since Kelsey left her job. At times I find Kelsey almost too perfect and it can be hard, like her marriage seems SO solid, no matter what comes up she always has a positive spin, of course she had a baby girl and it all seems so wonderful… but that’s my issue, not hers. I wish I could be more like that, honestly! I have even less in common with Erica but I enjoy her because she is so different from me.

      Everything Is Fine: I am all over the map with this one. I think they are fun when they just chat together, but their interviewing skills need some work . They are clearly way more confident in their women’s magazine space and less so when talking to women of color or women who are involved in social action. I think the show would be stronger if they weren’t both so similar—both worked in women’s magazines in NYC in the early 00s, both seem to feel they peaked then and haven’t done anything since (especially Kim). That said, I appreciate what they’re trying to do and they seem open to feedback, so I am cautiously optimistic.

      I recommend A Thing or Two with Claire and Erica if you like the two-friends-chatting vibe. They still talk products a fair amount, but they’re self-aware, smart, and strike the right balance between discussing social issues and sometimes just talking snacks.

      I also just discovered The Shift, a podcast for women over 40 from the UK that has a rich archive. Currently listening to that and really enjoying it.

      • test run

        re: Forever35 – 100% agree about the mini episodes. I usually skip those.

    • roxie

      I totally hate-listen to F35 AND i hate-read the absolutely inane facebook group.

      I like Kate more (Doree is so annoying also her husband seems terrible) but they are literally the worst interviewers I have ever heard, unless they have an outstanding guest i want to hear I don’t listen because it’s embarrassing even second-hand.

      They are a real-life “delicious dish” and their voices lull me to sleep so that’s when I usually listen!

      • test run

        Doree’s husband does seem awful! I’ve considered listening to the podcast they do together out of curiosity to see if he’s really that obnoxious. He just seems like a man baby?

    • Anan

      Not hip or trendy, but I really like Book Friends Forever, a podcast by Grace Lin, a Children’s book author and Alvina Ling, a publisher. They just chat about life and the book industry and how to promote diverse and inclusive books. I find they have a lot of heart and big thoughts.
      If anyone else has suggestions, I’m trying to branch out from my usual podcast feed of two white people talking to each other.

  12. Roomba

    For those with a Roomba, or similar robotic vacuum, how often do you run it? I have a fairly neat and small apartment, no pets, no shoes inside, but find that even running it weekly (which is way more than I ever vacuumed before), it picks up a disgusting amount of dust and dirt. Wondering if I’m doing it wrong and most people are running it daily or multiple times a week…

    • Anon

      It sounds like you should experiment with running it more often? Could you link it to some other habit (e.g., running the Roomba every time you shower)?

      • AZCPA

        Most of them can be automatically scheduled now through an app or the home base! The cheapest ones may not have this feature, but those don’t tend to do a good enough job to bother with (no house mapping, just bouncing off furniture until the battery runs out).

    • Aunt Jamesina

      We run our robot vacuum daily. We had a dog when we first got it and the habit stuck. Before we had one, we’d vacuum probably once or twice a week. It’s nice because we only have to get out the regular vacuum once in awhile to get into corners.

    • AZCPA

      My understanding is the intent is to run multiple times a week, as it can be done when you are not home and takes no effort. Since it goes under most furniture, I’ve found it tends to get a lot more “stuff” than I do when running a regular vacuum.

      I have indoor cats so a lot of fur, but I run it every weekday, and the bin fills every couple of day; lost of pet hair, but also human hair and dust in general.

      • Anon

        Lol, my dog thinks it’s an invading animal so no more for us! It was too much watching her lose her little mind when it ran.

    • anon

      I thought the point of a Roomba was to run it several times a week while you’re doing other things?

    • Anonymous

      We were running it about twice a week, but with WFH, it’s been less since it’s too distracting while on calls. We’ve been making up the difference with a Dyson handheld vacuum after work.

    • Anon

      Multiple times a week but not daily. And yes, it picks up a disgusting amount of stuff. I thought maybe it would even out after we’d had it for a while but nope!

      I tend to run mine in the bedroom (with the door closed) when I shower in the adjoining bathroom so it can really concentrate on that small area, because I’m allergic to dust. I sleep so much better and wake up much less stuffy since I’ve been doing this.

    • Cornellian

      I swear I run mine twice most days. In part because I’m bad at picking up and it gets stuck halfway through, but in part because the three of us are constantly in and out the front door and carrying dirt in. Maybe your roomba goes under furniture and picks up dirt you were missing?

      I know most can be scheduled, but my floor usually needs socks/cords/etc removed, so I don’t use that feature and just turn it on when I’m ready. I find it easy to pick stuff off the floor and press “on” before I leave the house.

  13. Anon

    so last night DH told me that the European office of his company (which is still WFH right now) has decided that for their new WFH policy, employees with children under 4 can WFH one day a a week and everyone else can 2 days a month. This makes zero sense to me and cannot imagine a U.S. office having a policy like this.

    • Anon

      I don’t think that would work here because it’s blatantly discriminatory based on familial status.

        • Anon

          OP says “This makes zero sense to me and cannot imagine a U.S. office having a policy like this.” and I’m sure Anon @ 10:19 is responding to that.

    • Anin

      This is very weird even for Europe. Maybe official info was “everyone can wfh for 2days/month and for parents there are additional 2d extra as wfh as a benefit”. We often have other/additional benefits for parents and this is not considered discriminatory (think extra time off for new parents, bonus with birth of a child). But I wonder how they want to enforce this as you are not requires to disclose number/age if kids unless you want state child benefits I.e. maybe I do have kids, but since I am not applying for any state benefits, I am not reporting them in any HR documents. I am not saying I agree or disagree with their policy, but surely a proper #dramat will follow this announcement.

      • Anonymous

        Isn’t it standard to put your marital status and number of children on your CV in Europe? They would know if you have kids or not.

        • anon

          Not in all countries, I see this on some CVs, but never in countries with high % of female in workforce/management roles. It would look very strange in Easter Europe, for example.

    • Anon

      It’s kind of baffling. If the workers have to go in most days, they’re going to have full time childcare arrangements. It sounds like they’re assuming the workers will keep their kids home (and then not really be able to work much)? Have they met children under 4?

      • OP

        that’s what i don’t understand. what happens when the child turns 4 – parents (or others) suddenly don’t need anymore flexibility? is there something special that happens in European countries in terms of state provided childcare at age 4? from my quick google search it actually looks like the daycares (creches) go from 0-4 with long hours and then it switches to part-time preschool at age 4, so how does that help anyone?

        • Cb

          Yeah, that’s so weird. I’m in the UK and my life will get so much harder when my kid turns 5 and goes to school. Now he’s in from 8-5:30 and I don’t have to worry about scheduling, school has random inset days and early release every Friday.

        • Anonymous

          Public funded preschool starts at age 4. It’s mandatory and free for part-time and usually available full day at an additional cost if both parents work on a full time basis.

          Much less common to have children under age 4 in daycare. Usually some combination of parents working part-time. My BIL is a high school teacher who has a full time job but was allowed to arrange his teaching schedule to have Tuesdays off. His wife is a doctor who works 4 days a week and is off Mondays. Grandmother 1 watches kids Wednesday, Thursday AM, Grandmother 2 watches kids Thursday PM and Friday. Both grandmothers work part-time. This kind of arrangement is not uncommon if both parents work.

    • Anonymous

      It’s never ever a good idea to drive a wedge between employees with kids and employees without.

    • Anonymous

      Legal basis is likely that in many European countries, parents of children under age 4 have a legal entitlement to elect to work part-time and cannot be fired for choosing this. Company is likely trying to get parent employees to stay full time vs knocking back to half or 2/3 time.

  14. Anon

    Random question re silver flatware. We used to have a flea market where you could get an odd Chantilly-pattern spoon after one of yours went through the garbage disposal or a whole set for a lot less than retail. The site got redeveloped and nothing else local has cropped up. Where does one buy/sell secondhand silver these days? Ebay? Something else? Pawn shops (which I don’t go to, but watch on TV)?

    • Elle

      You could try Replacements. Their warehouse isn’t too far from me but they also have a website! Chantilly is a classic pattern so I bet they would have what you’re looking for.

    • Pep

      Replacements (dot) com has what you seek. It’s not the cheapest option, but it does save time spent searching.

    • Anon

      I rebuy my gram’s Oneida direct from the company, but there are some specialty sites for retired patterns. Finest Flatware is one.

    • test run

      https://www.replacements.com/ I’ve bought one-off pieces of silverware to match sets. One thing that’s handy is that if they don’t have the piece, you can save the search and they’ll let you know when they do – I finally got some spoons to match forks and knives that I loved this way.

    • Anon

      You can also check Dishfunctional. They’re a small store outside of Philly but they sell online through eBay/Amazon.

    • Anonia

      replacements dot com if its china and silver flatware. I collect pieces of my china pattern there and have great luck.

      • Anon

        I did the same. It was silverplate in my case. And I also completed a set of dishes my mother had started to collect from the grocery store when I was an infant.

    • Senior Attorney

      Search eBay first and then Replacements dot com is your ace in the hole if you can’t find it there.

      Also etsy has old silver.

    • Anon

      If you’re looking for sterling and not silverplate, it’s just plain hard to find it these days. The market for silver is super hot, so all the metal people are snapping it up to melt it down. I follow a good number of online estate sales, and the sellers don’t even try to sell the silver as silverware – they sell it on a scale with the weight shown so that the people who are going to melt it down know how much they’re getting. As a lover of old, pretty things, this makes me sad every time I see it. I was in an antique store a few months ago and happened to see iced tea spoons in my mom’s pattern – the seller put them on the scale and sold them to me for the price of silver that day, not a fixed price.

      In addition to Replacements, I’ve used and liked Silver Queen (.com).

      • Anonymous

        This makes me sad too. But not as sad as the ‘furniture refurbishers’ who try and sell antiques mutilated with chalk paint.

        • Anon

          Agreed! They can do that to all the 1940s “colonial” furniture they want, but when they do it to good antiques, I get really mad.

          • Anonymous Grouch

            A guy in my neighborhood keeps and eye on Next Door and buys all the old brown reproduction furniture that no-one wants as baby boomers clear out their houses, paints it (mostly dark blue, very good quality job as far as I can tell), and then re-lists it on Next Door and it sells immediately for 5 or 6 times what he paid. I would say he’s doing about 1 big piece a week (side boards, dressers, secretary desks). He’s making at last good beer money, and the furniture gets re-used and doesn’t go to the dump, so win-win.

  15. Anon

    Hive, I need help! I’m working with a male colleague a few levels higher than me to join his team in what will basically be my dream job – a promotion, interesting subject area, and the function that I’ve been trying to get into for several years. I wrote the job description, we’ve gotten it approved, and I just need to jump through a few more internal hoops before I actually have the offer letter. I estimate it will take ~3 more weeks, though the rec is open to other internal candidates.

    The tricky thing is that I’m 15 weeks pregnant. I have been, and will continue to work closely with this colleague/future boss, and I’d like to tell him as soon as possible. I’m concerned that if I wait until after I have the offer that it will seem like I was hiding this (even though my colleague/future boss is super progressive and would be probably be offended by the idea that I’d feel the need to hide it). However, part of me thinks that given the bias against women is real, and I SHOULD hide this. Any thoughts or advice, especially from an HR/legal perspective?

    • Anon

      Tell when you would normally tell, which is around 20 weeks. I would just say that you are saying something now that the anatomy scan went smoothly.

    • Anon

      Hide it, get the offer letter, then tell the boss. You can make up some BS that you were nervous about sharing until after the 20 week ultrasound.

    • Anon

      I’d say hide it unless it is going to take you beyond an unreasonable time to hide it. Further, I’d think you’d want to be able to wait a few more weeks after getting the offer so it doesn’t look like you were hiding it.

    • Anon

      Agree with everyone else. You aren’t “hiding” anything that is relevant to your qualifications for this position. I have an extremely supportive boss and firm, and I knew that the news of my pregnancy would be well-received, but I still didn’t tell until a little before 20 weeks because I wanted to be sure nothing was picked up on the anatomy scan that would make me regret having told people too soon.

    • OP

      Thank you Hive for the infinite wisdom! I will wait, use the 20-week reason (which is totally valid), and potentially even wait several weeks post-transition to share.

      • Anon

        You don’t need a reason and it would be really off putting if you were asked for one.

    • Anon

      Personally, I’d wait and I’d white lie saying it was a surprise and you just found out

      • Anon

        An adult just finding out they are pregnant at 20 weeks would make me question their judgment and observational skills.

    • Anonymous

      Here is another thing to consider. I don’t know how obvious it will be to others that you are pregnant, but if you for any reason think that you will not get the job if you disclose pregnancy, consider how it might play out if people guess you are pregnant, but don’t say anything, AND you don’t get the job.

      As a female people manager who has had (and hidden) pregnancies, I have a *very* strong sense of when someone is pregnant. I of course keep my mouth absolutely shut but when the woman that is always up for wine at happy hour suddenly gains weight and stops drinking and has random appointments throughout the day…well, it’s a good clue. I’m 5/5 for anyone that waited until after 12 weeks to tell me and 2/3 for those that told me before 16 weeks. The one that didn’t was not a typical butt-in-seat worker.

      I was pregnant but had not yet disclosed with my 3rd. It was probably obvious to most, and I’d been laying the groundwork for mat leave (eg. scheduling long term projects so that they would work for my leave and I wouldn’t leave the org hanging). I got laid off during the 1:1 during which I had planned to tell my boss I was pregnant–he just laid me off first. My response was “are you f*cking serious, I’m pregnant!” HR, who was in the room, immediately intervened, we had a long convo about who know at work and who did not, wherein Boss went into this diatribe about how the layoff was part of the reorg, blah blah, had nothing to do with me personally and CERTAINLY not my childbearing status. It quickly became A Thing because our CFO knew (we were doing the next year’s budget earlier that day and I told him because it impacted my team’s budget pretty dramatically as we had 4 people on mat leave in one quarter), and my boss was the COO. He sort of faked that he didn’t know during the layoff convo, but he totally did and he totally tried to head me off to save the company some money. It was so, so gross, particularly because he replaced me [just enough of a different title to make it kosher of course] with a 40 year old white dude. [with a good ending, namely 18 months of full pay as severance vs the 6 months they were thinking they could offer–ladies, get yourself a good employment lawyer if you are ever laid off under shady circumstances]

  16. Anon

    Does anyone have tips for figuring out the gender of international given names you’re unfamiliar with?

    I’m contracting with some EU companies, and so far I’ve gotten by with slightly-stilted formal language and scouring the web to try to find the person.

    Now that I’m more familiar with people, they’re starting to refer me to new colleagues by nickname, and I’m having a hell of a time dancing around the issue. These places seem ultra-formal and old-fashioned, not an environment where people share their pronouns.

    • anne-on

      I google for people I don’t know well or am working with for the first time, LinkedIn is also a great resource. I HATE the ‘lets use the nickname and not the full name’ thing, and have simply started asking people to please ping or email me the person’s full email so I can be sure I’m reaching out to the right person.

    • Anonymous

      “Is Kiki male or female? I can’t tell from the names and want to get it right.”

      • Anon

        Please never ask this. You could say “is that Ms. or Mr.” if you really and truly need to use one of those, but please don’t ask “male or female.”

    • Anon

      My European e-mail work friends all use First LAST name convention and then just calling people like Quakers: First LAST. Like not “Hi, Kiki” or “Dear Mme. LAST” but the whole name. Which I kind of like, like we are dealing with people first and moving past the gender thing.

    • Anonymous

      Google the full name. You may come up with a bio and picture, which is great. Second best, you’ll get the bio and picture of other people with the same name, and can see if most are male or female.

    • Anon

      I don’t know if this works internationally but if you have someone’s phone number in the US, you can call it via Spy Dialer (a free website) and it will play you their outgoing voicemail if they have one. I use that to screen missed cell phone calls at times. It is also why a lot of people now just have their number or a default as their VM instead of their name.

    • Anon

      Idk but this is all proof to me that we should be genderless in the workplace. There needs to be a better way. Maybe the firstname lastname someone mentioned – Dear Jane Doe, etc.

      I know the French tradition is to address everyone by Madame, Madamoiselle or Monsieur, but that’s probably inappropriate in the workplace long term.

      • Eh

        I don’t think erasing gender is the right solution though. I identify as a woman, I’m fine with being referred to as a “she.” If someone prefers “they” or “he,” I will also respect those wishes.

        • agreed

          Yeah, don’t strip my humanity or mislabel me by calling me something like a uterus-possessing person. I identify as a woman and I’d like to be referred to as such.

    • Anon

      I have an Indian name which could be either gender. Most people just assume I’m a man. Which is fine – I just correct them. But I would like to recommend – “Please excuse me, but is it Mr. or Ms.?” It’s pretty polite and easy to answer.

    • Anon

      A very broad rule of thumb for Indian names is that women’s names largely (but not always) end with a vowel and men’s names end with a consonant. There are many exceptions but I would say this rule has about an 80% success rate.
      I have heard though that Chinese names are gender neutral on their face (if you know the tone then you can distinguish between the different meanings of the word which will give you a hint on gender), anyone care to weigh in?

  17. Anon

    Last week (?) someone posted here about a company and another commenter mentioned in a reply that it was “B Corp” and so they weren’t interested. I wasn’t familiar with B corporations, but I looked it up and it seems like a good thing. But the comment here made it seem like a bad thing. Can someone tell me if there is a problem inherent with B Corps? Asking because I was considering applying for a position at a company (not the one in last week’s post) and on their home page they mention being a B Corp, so I was just wondering if this is a red flag of some sort.

    • Anon

      Or maybe it’s so ubiquitous that it means nothing other than a company will throw $ at the certification process (like when our RE group was slow, they were all made to get LEED certified, whatever that means for lawyers; I get that it is a big deal for a BUILDING). I honestly don’t know.

    • Anon

      Thank you for asking! I had the same question but didn’t get back here to ask yet.

    • anon

      I wasn’t that poster but I would be hesitant to work for a B corp the same way I’d be hesitant to work for a non-profit. Because they do good work, that can often be a breeding ground for toxic work environments, less pay and benefits that employees are expected to graciously accept because they are “doing good” Of course this isn’t all B corps or non-profits but as someone who has hard enough time standing up for myself at work, I don’t need any extra pressure of “oh I can’t ask for a raise despite being underpaid because that’d be taking away money from people who need it more”

    • OP

      I’ve also heard that the B-corp certification can just be a form of green-washing. They’re required to spend money on locally sourced food for employee meals, and random things to check-off the ‘B-Corp’ list, but the core of the company might still have a negative impact on things. For example, Athleta is a B-corp, but I don’t think of them as having a net-good impact on the world (though I could be wrong!)

      • Anon- not OP

        Oops – not actually OP. Didn’t change my name from the pregnancy question above.

    • Anonymous

      I am that poster and missed this thread until late, so hopefully you’ll see this. My comment was specific to the context of that organization. I am not interested in paying any profit-making company $40/mo to collect and sell my information for little to no return. I know LinkedIn has fees, but I don’t pay them and they don’t market themselves as doing a special social good for the disadvantaged and you get something from those fees because of the broad platform. I am.also very skeptical of B Corps because it is easy to do the minimum to get the cert but ultimately have no net positive effect, so it is mostly equivalent to a green-washing criticism. Again, this was particularly unappealing in the context and I am extra suspect of an org founded by ex-Goldman employees who washed out of finance and seemed to want to make easy money off a purported social cause without actually contributing anything meaningful or valuable to that cause. It seems.to have an MLM vibe from ladies who wanted out of the rat race but also to look like they were staying in and who know that selling vast amounts of essential.oils or skincare wouldn’t create the image they were going for. It was paired with a comment about an egregious punctuation error on a main page of the website (“Goldman Sach’s former headquarters”), which compounded my sense that these are people who don’t have much to contribute, don’t want to work very hard for their money, but didn’t want to admit they want to be SAHMs after working at GS or similar. It may all be unfair judgment (except the punctuation, which is a hill I will die on since they are the ones capitalizing on the connection to GS). They could have started a non-profit with all the same services and motives and initiatives but they chose instead to disarm the critics with a B Corp cert while maintaining the potential to get rich. No thank you.

    • test run

      Just popped over to read it and honestly, thought it was kind of boring? Since she answers the question about going to college, I definitely wish that she had explained why she isn’t currently working or whether she has any plans to work in the future, but otherwise, I mean, if her wealthy husband wants to bankroll her life this way… fine? Being on the brother’s cell phone plan is definitely funny though.

      • Cb

        Right? And a vacation week wasn’t very insightful. What does she do with her days normally?

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, I also wanted to know what she does with her time when they’re not on vacation. Is she a caregiver for her parents? Does she volunteer in her community? Is she working on a novel or another creative pursuit? Most people have *something* that is meaningful to them and keeps them busy, even if it’s not paid work.

        • Anon

          Agreed! My mom worked but most of my friends growing up had SAHMs. In addition to doing all things home and children, these moms all had other things they were very involved with (being on boards, being the class mom, running the mom’s tennis program – whatever). I can’t imagine just doing nothing.

    • Anon

      So they make money? While I think she should keep a job/have a career herself, this sounds like a ton of people in the Bay Area. Also why the average home here is now around 3M.

    • anon

      I haven’t read the article but I’m always confused when people point to being on someone else’s cell phone plan as some sort of failure to be an adult. My husband and I got our own family plan years ago but being on someone else’s plan for half the cost of being on your own plan isn’t somehow childish, it’s smart! Especially if you pay the person or have some other reciprocal shared services.

      • Anon.

        Agree! My husband’s siblings are both on our family plan. They are both grown, professional adults. It was just cheaper to set it up this way. We have an auto-pay set up from their bank accounts. Why not save the money?

        • anon

          I think what people are balking at is that her brother pays her share. It absolutely makes sense to bundle and then chip in, but it doesn’t appears she is chipping in at all!

          • test run

            Exactly, and mostly I just find it funny. I totally understand the dynamics of family cell phone plans – my parents are on mine and my sister and her husband used to be. And maybe she chips in for something else for him not included here. But if not, it’s kind of funny to be dropping $3k+ on a shopping trip and not venmo-ing your portion of the cellphone bill.

    • Anon

      This was weird only because I am 37 with a degree in Animal Science (from UC Davis, of course, which is no longer offered) and am first generation. I was like – did I write this? But I don’t make that kind of money and I have a job, so go classmate, I guess!

  19. Anon for this

    Help me not treat my partner as an improvement project :). We are expecting a baby and partner is extremely stressed at work, to the point of missing work 1-2 times a month for stress. Missing work that often was a depression / anxiety symptom for me. I’d love for partner to learn coping skills to manage the emotion without falling apart/ needing as much sick time. It will definitely help when baby comes. Partner’s doctor pooh poohed their symptoms and told them to get outside and be active. Partner is now resistant to seeking further medical help. Is there anything I can do to bring this up or do I need to just let it be and give some pandemic grace? My needs are mostly being met, but it’s getting harder to keep up as we get closer to due date.

    • anon

      OK, so it sounds like he needs help with coping mechanisms, but it also sounds like his job is pretty unbearable. I do think you need to have an honest conversation about how his stress is creating more stress for the family unit. Do this with kindness, of course, but it is not out of bounds for you to speak up, both out of care and concern for his well-being, and because of the long game here (being present for you and the new baby).

      • Anon for this

        Yes. Job is legit nuts. Unfortunately it’s not been easy for partner to get energy to job search (understandable, right?)

        • anon

          Oh yeah, I get that. Been there, done that. But I would push him, a bit, to set an end date on this insanity. Like, if things haven’t noticeably improved in 2 months (or whatever seems reasonable), he will launch a full-blown job search.

        • Anon

          Can you afford for partner to quit and handle childcare until partner finds a new job? It’s a good reason for a resume gap.

          • Anon for this

            Yes. Partner has resisted this suggestion so far, but we may end up there.

    • Anonymous

      Couples counselling – suggest it in terms of prevention re communication about the baby and in case you have postpartum, you want him and you to have a relationship already with someone you can go to – this also gets him into the habit of talking to a third party about issues. Couples counsellor can recommend an individual therapist for him if needed.

      FWIW – I had severe depression as a teenager and prebooked appointments for DH and I with my old therapist for a month before baby, and every month thereafter until baby was 6 months. Did this on both pregnancies.

      • Anon for this

        I like this idea. Was it weird to see the therapist as a couple after going solo? Any tips or tricks?

        • Anonymous

          Normally my therapist doesn’t see people for couples counselling if he saw them for individual counselling but he has a roster of couples counselling specialists that he refers people to. He did see us though as I waived the conflict because I wanted to use him and my DH is from another country and it just so happened that my therapist was also an immigrant (one of the few therapists who is not from our area), so DH felt very understood about the challenges of cross-cultural issues.

    • Flats Only

      Wait, which of you is pregnant – you or partner? If it’s the partner, I can only say that being extra pregnant and also stressed out at work sounds like a recipe for a few sick days here and there, and you should cut your partner some slack. If it’s you who’s pregnant, will partner get time off when the baby is born? That could facilitate a good break from the stressful job (and one which the employer is likely to fully support), and may help your partner feel better and more positive with just the family/baby to concentrate on vs. having to balance that with the stressful job.

      • Anon for this

        I’m the pregnant one! Thanks for asking :). Partner does get some leave (8 weeks). Do you think that time away from job with the stress of a newborn will actually be a reset?

        • Flats Only

          I think it will be stressful, but a good, empowering stress followed by accomplishments – put on a good diaper! calmed the baby’s crying!, vs. the stress of a bad job where you feel powerless and trapped, and there’s not much you can do to change the situation quickly without quitting outright. And honestly, after the leave, if the break doesn’t help and the job doesn’t change, it’s time to find a new job.

    • Anon

      It can be incredibly hard to ask for help and so much harder to keep seeking help after being poo poohed. I’d bring it up as a been there done that sort of thing. Like, ugh, I had to jump through hoops too to get the medical industry to take my needs seriously. Let’s get a second opinion.

      • Anon for this

        Unfortunately the one time I tried this it triggered the anxiety, but it feels like it might be worth trying again.

  20. anon

    My 11-year-old is getting the occasional pimple, usually from mask wearing. What spot treatments are effective, especially at the drugstore price point?

    Also, at what point do I start introducing kiddo to a basic skincare routine? I’m thinking REALLY basic, like “wash your face with something other than body wash.” I’d probably do something gentle like Cerave; the occasional pimple doesn’t warrant a strong cleanser, IMO. And there is a history of sensitive skin, here, so I don’t want to go overboard, as I’m convinced the skin habits I had as a teenager really wrecked my skin. DH is completely hopeless on this front (dude still scrubs his face with bar soap; don’t even get me started), and I’d like to introduce the concept of caring for skin before it’s a big-deal situation.

    • Anon

      We have horrid acne in our family (like on-accutane acne), so we started around here b/c it was one and then a million in the course of a month. My kids hate washing with a washcloth outside of showering, so we are on Team Stridex wipes, which they are pretty good about. I fear what sunscreen season will do to their skin (but cancer and sun damage are worth preventing; acne you can fix eventually).

    • test run

      Around that age is when my mom took me to the dermatologist for the first time (I had inherited actual acne by that point, though), so I would think it would be fine to introduce a super gentle cleanser and moisturizer and Cerave would definitely be my recommendation. Better to have a good foundation like that in place before the tips from friends start rolling in to do insane things to your face (looking at you St. Ives Apricot scrub!).

      • anon

        OP here, and yeah. I was a ’90s teen and used stuff that was way too harsh. Looking at you, Sea Breeze astringent. I now deal with rosacea, which is mostly under control, but my skin is never going to look flawless. And I honestly wonder how much damage I did back then that led to my sensitivity now.

        • Anon

          Wait — Sea Breeze was bad?! I missed this. I practically bathed in that stuff (BUT I have horribly oily skin, so it may be strong, but my oil is stronger and decades later I am still oily AF).

          • anon

            I can see why it worked for you! Mine was combo skin/maybe slightly oily, and I took oil removal to an extreme. :)

          • Anon

            I still wash my face with the same soap/bodywash I wash the rest of myself with. I don’t have the time/money/inclination to deal with a whole raft of products. Different strokes for different folks.

        • Anonymous

          “I don’t have the time/money/inclination to deal with a whole raft of products”–Trust me, as someone who has seen dermatologists since my teen years and tried so many things, it’s not that I had more time, money or inclination than you. Acne is largely genetic. I spent years dealing with emotional and physical effects before finally having it go away. Maybe have a little empathy. Would you tell someone with diabetes that you just skip needle sticks because you can’t be bothered?

    • Anon

      I spot treat with Differin (like literally just on that spot) and it clears up the pimple w/in a day. I don’t like putting it all over because I find it too drying, but works great for spot treatments. I think now is a good time to do a skincare routine of gentle cleanser and moisturizer. I don’t have any recs for cleanser, but the moisturizer my first dermatologist recommended to me at 19 is the one I still use – La Roche Posay Toleriane Facial Fluide, very light and gentle for sensitive skin.

    • Anon

      Not sure if they make this anymore, but when I was in college, I used ZapZyt I got from Walgreens for spot treatments. Funny thing was, the guys friend group would always try to steal it from me when they would come over because it worked so well for them, and I’d tell them to buy their own. You can address this with your son without making it a huge deal by just explaining that part of growing up can be acne, and washing his face before bed and when he wakes up is good practice, with a little zit cream as needed for breakouts.

    • Cat

      Um, I wash my face with bar soap – plain old Dial – and really can’t complain a bit about my skin… wouldn’t call DH hopeless, maybe just lucky?

      • anon

        Lucky to a point, but he has a ton of flaky, dry patches (and drier skin in general) and doesn’t see the connection. But, I am not making his skincare regimen my project!

    • Anon

      I also wash my face with bar soap (Dove). It’s not “cool” but it totally works fine and isn’t bad for your skin, despite what some expensive brands would love you to believe. If you want an acne-geared product try Desert Essence tea tree face wash and oil control moisturizer. The Trader Joe’s house brand of tea tree cleanser is Desert Essence, I believe, if you shop there. I would probably avoid anything with benzoyl peroxide (hello staining) or harsh astringents.

      If the kid has acne, Cerave/Cetaphil may be too gentle. Using it gives me acne and I’m 37.

    • Anon

      As a lifelong acne sufferer, I would be on this.

      Leave a basic gentle facial cleanser in the shower. Introduce a good moisturizer that works for acne, like Neutrogena Hydrogel, preferably the one for sensitive skin. And insist on sunscreen always – Neutrogena also makes a good oil free one for faces.

      Buy a pack or two of hydrocolloid bandages to cover the occasional zit. Mighty Patch are good, but I also like many of the korean brands. You can get them on ebay.

      • Anon

        PS the idea you may have grown up with, and I certainly did, that you need to “dry out” your face to prevent acne is outdated, in case you didn’t know. Acne is basically sticky sebum in pores getting clogged and infected. When you strip the surface of the skin of all oil/sebum, it can cause the pores to try to generate more sebum to make up for it. If you’re a person who makes sticky sebum, i.e. acne prone, and you make more sebum, it generally results in more clogged pores and more acne.

    • Elderlyunicorn

      At 11, it’s really about just establishing good habits (washing your face, putting on sunscreen) with really gentle products and then gradually stepping it up as their skin develops, IMHO. Cetaphil/Cerave are great, but they’ve never done anything for me. I love CosRX’s Low Ph Good Morning Cleanser … still pretty reasonable price point, similar feel to Cerave but just so much more cleansing.

      For the occasional pimple, you could treat it with tea tree oil, or just a benzoyl peroxide spot treatment from anyone (Neutrogena’s is good). Pimple care has come a looooong way, though! I have a stockpile of pimple patch treatments for my 13 year old … the hydrocolloidal patches (again, CosRX makes great ones, or A Mighty Pimple Patch are also great!) are good for pimples with a lot of fluid, like the ones you’re dying to pop. ZitStickas are more expensive but they are great for red pimples that are gathering just below the surface and about the burst forth. The microneedles sound scary, but they’re really, really not.

      Welcome to teenage world!

      • Anon

        Which ZitStickas do you use for the below the surface storm clouds? Thank you.

    • Anon

      In the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” category: Neutrogena’s glycerin soap and their spot treatment. So easy, so effective. That soap’s been around for 100 years now and comes in regular and acne formulas.

      My mom FREAKED when I got my first pimple growing up because a close cousin had truly awful acne, so mom took me straight to the doctor, and Neutrogena was his recommendation. I’ve used their products for skin care ever since.

    • anne-on

      We have crazy pale, sensitive skin in our family along with eczema for my son when he was young. He was introduced to double cleansing at 6 as the gentlest way to get sunscreen off without scrubbing. He washes his face every day with a low-ph cleanser and yes, I had to show him how to do that, but this is basic life skills IMHO.
      For a tween, I’d introduce the double cleanse (it gets off the grime MUCH better without scrubbing) and then pimple patches if there is a random spot. For OTC solutions, the cheap sulfur ointment (de la cruz) works miracles – use it after cleansing, and then stick a patch on it. I would NOT use acids (stridex, etc.) on a kid who is not using daily sunblock.

    • Anon

      OK please just a little sensitivity for acne sufferers here, not saying OP’s 11 year old is necessarily one of us.

      “I just wash my face with bar soap and I’ve never had acne” is incredibly smug. Acne is largely hereditary and you’re born with the tendency or you’re not. You are likely successful using minimal products/bar soap etc because you don’t have a tendency toward severe acne, not the other way around.

      Believe me, severe acne sufferers have tried everything.

      • anon

        OP here, and yes, thank you. I freaking hate this idea that everyone can be low maintenance. My skin isn’t low maintenance; it would not surprise me if my kids have their own issues to contend with. Yippy skippy for you that you can do nothing.

      • Anonymous

        Agree with this. However, as a lifelong acne sufferer I’ve tried everything, and I find that *for me* a gentle soap like the Clinque bar soap is actually the most effective and the least irritating. But I need Retin-A and gentle moisturizer and sunscreen etc. etc. etc. to go with it.

    • Sunshine71

      CosRx AHA whitehead treatment is great for clearing up pimples. CeraVe Hydrating cleanser is gentle and I’d recommend that above the foaming cleanser. Colloid pimple patches work well overnight if there is gunk to pull out of the pimple but don’t help if it’s cystic or not popped (sorry for the image).

  21. anon

    how are you dealing with the exhaustion from the last 1.5 years? I am sleeping more than I ever have before and just feel exhausted. I went to the doctor’s recently and my bloodwork came back fine and have ruled out depression.

    I was working so much (public health) that I spent a few months of really only getting 5ish hours of sleep a night and also dealt with pretty severe burnout. I’m feeling way less burnt out now, and am back to working normal hours but I’m still just so dang tired. When my burn out was worse, I wasn’t making other healthy choices but now I”m back to eating well, drinking water, drinking less alcohol, etc so overall I feel way better, I’m just TIRED!

    I would love to spend a week at a lake/beach and lie there and mentally do nothing, but that isn’t in the cards for the next few months.

    • anon a mouse

      Someone here recommended B-vitamins for energy. I started them last week and I don’t know if they are really working or a placebo effect, but I feel significantly better in my energy and ability to focus.

      • Anon

        Thanks! I take a women’s multi vitamin every day that has several B vitamins but ill look to see how B is best absorbed.

        Whenever I try to give blood my iron is too low, so I don’t as surprised my blood work didn’t show any anemia.

        • Anon

          Sometimes you can be on the low side and not technically anemic, but it still effects you. Maybe try some low dose iron supplements or a multivitamin with iron and see if it helps. This made a drastic difference for me.

          • Anon

            Me too. Specifically Proferrin for me (probably mainly because it’s gentle on my stomach). I actually feel better within a few days of taking it if I’ve gotten to the point where I need it.

          • Anon

            Thanks! My multivitamin has iron but once again I should check on absorption

          • Anon

            Taking with vitamin c or orange juice can help with absorption and caffeine/coffee can interfere with it.

    • CountC

      I know it sounds counterintuitive, but adding additional workouts to my week has helped me a LOT. I’m doing all the other things you are doing too – eating better, less/no alcohol, better sleep habits – but it wasn’t until I started working out more that I overall felt more energized.

      • Anon

        Thanks! I was in a great workout routine over the winter when work was in a lull (I was probably the strongest I’ve ever been!) and then with vaccine clinics came 16 hour days, and I stopped working out. I’ve slowly started getting back to running/biking//lifting but it probably hasn’t been long enough to feel the effects. Signed up for a 10 miler in the early fall, so hopefully that’ll force me back on the wagon.

    • anonshmanon

      How long have you been back at sleeping enough, eating well and getting enough exercise? Put it into perspective with the 1.5year slog. It will take time, you will get there!

      • Anon

        The eating well / drinking less / less caffeine / exercise has only been a few weeks. I’ve been sleeping longer for almost a month. That’s such a good point – I’m recovering from over a year of non stop slog.

  22. Anonymous

    Restaurant recommendations for Chicago, and maybe a nice cocktail bar? Staying inside the loop, need something not super fancy but also not, like, fast take out. So casual-moderately nice place open for sit-down dining (all fully vaccinated, if that makes a difference).

    • anon

      there is very little open in the loop nowadays
      try the area where the girl a d the goat is in (i can’t remember) or hike it to michigan ave
      purple pig, quartions, eataly, etc

      • chi food

        The Girl and Goat neighborhood/strip is called Fulton Market – lots of good options there ranging from casual to fancy.

        Also recommend looking in River North, depending on which side of the loop you are staying on. Frontera Grill/Topolobampo are good options in that neighborhood.

        Haven’t been to a bar in/near the loop in about 2 years, so no help on that front. Frontera Grill has tasty margaritas though…

    • 312

      I’d throw in RPM Italian – good food and fairly decent sized bar, plus not too far from the loop. Have fun!

  23. Anonymous

    For people who spend time on camera or on stage in a professional capacity, what resources did you find to improve your skills? I’ve just joined an organization in a capacity where I will be interviewed, on panels, and speaking in front of larger groups. I am particularly interested in how to be more camera ready. The organization doesn’t have the resources for a consultant or anything. This will all have to be self taught.

    • Anon

      LinkedIn Learning has videos about online executive presence that I’ve found helpful.

  24. Anonymous

    Need some recommendations … having a very hard time staying engaged at work (or even pushing myself to do much of anything at all). I thought things might be better when we returned to work, and it is marginally but not by much. My job has changed pretty substantially since we are still not travelling for work. I am seeing my local friends again, but haven’t seen my family in 18 months (US-Cdn border closure).

    Each day, I just seem to be watching the clock for the hours to pass, and counting down the days until I might be able to conceivably retire (still over 10 years away). This is completely unlike me, I have always found the work that I do fulfilling and have been super Type-A motivated. Every time I take a day or a few days off, it doesn’t recharge me but just reinforces the feeling that I don’t really want to go back. My current role is quite well paying but very specialized and I don’t feel that I would be able to command the same compensation elsewhere (see: retirement date). If I want to be in the US long term, it will be much better for me to stay here for at least 2 more years (related to immigration)

    Do I need to just figure out how to power through? Get a career coach? Some other kind of professional advisor?

    Help :(

    • anon

      No advice but commiseration. I work in public health and had a super busy 15 months. Now that I’m back to my day job, I’m so bored. I’m definitely still dealing with burnout, but I’m not motivated, it’s hard to force myself to care about my job, and as crazy as the last year was – I miss the pace and importance of that work. It’s almost like I’m in withdrawal.

    • anon2

      Same and, honestly, I am just doing the bare minimum to get by and I am okay with it. This too shall pass.

  25. Anonymous

    I’m getting an impromptu mani/pedi this afternoon. What colors/shades should I use? I have very fair skin, red hair. Will be at work in the office all week (closed toe shoes but business casual) and going on vacation next week, including some hiking. I normally do nude fingers and pink toes. Looking for a change!

    • Senior Attorney

      This is probably not going to help you at all, but I love to do glitter toes in a fun bright color for vacation. (Never do anything but “buff shiny” on my fingers because I chip fingernail polish before I can even get out of the salon.)

    • Anon

      How about green shades since you’re going hiking? I say this because before I go on a beach type vacation I always do a shade of blue for the water. Green looks great on redheads too!

      I’d do two coordinating shades – lighter on the fingers and darker on the toes.

    • anon

      I’d do something bright pink, like Essie Watermelon, or a poppy color like Essie Geranium.

    • Cat

      I am always harder on my nails on vacation than at home (pool, ocean, snorkel fins) so counterintuitively go with a soft pink for vacation when normally I would pick a bolder shade. Then if there’s a chip, it’s nearly invisible so who cares.

    • Anon

      I love grey as something different! Also – orangey red (or just orange) is my favorite summer polish color. I have boring nude/mauve now because I’m wearing a bright dress to a wedding this weekend, but otherwise I’m all for the orange.

      I highly recommend gel, especially if you’re on vacation. On vacation I tend to do fun things and destroy my nails.

    • Curious

      I love opalescent whites on my toes. I am too fair and muted to tolerate much color/ contrast and that works well for me!

  26. Anon

    Has anyone had Broadband Light treatment for rosacea? I have a bad case actually on my chest, which is less common, but I also have better controlled rosacea on my face and neck. My derm says I’m really not going to get relief short of laser type treatment and the specific one she recommended is BBL. Would love to hear anyone’s experiences as well as how much you paid. I’m looing at $2500 for three treatments of three areas – face, neck, chest.

    • Anon

      I did it, but it was for dark spots. It worked very well. The first time was somewhat uncomfortable but afterwards, it was only uncomfortable in sensitive spots like the upper lip, top of forehead or around the nose. I paid around $1800 for 3 treatments, but it was just my face and not the other areas you are getting. I also went to a plastic surgeon to get it done because I heard of too many med spa horror stories.

    • Sunshine71

      Yes! I had BBL on my face for mild type 1 rosacea. It was a huge help and I saw immediate reduction in redness. I think it cost around $200-300 and I only had one treatment, just on my cheeks. The treatment itself feels a bit like the snap of a rubber band. It’s not awful but you know it’s happening even with a numbing cream. If you’ve done IPL hair removal, it’s the same feeling.

  28. Chris Pederson

    I agree that it would be bold to wear a sleeveless dress to work without a blazer. My wife said she wants to look stronger at work. I’ll talk to her about trying out some stylish workwear like that.

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