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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Louisa Wool-Cashmere Tipped Cardigan

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A woman wearing black pants, black belt, white top, and navy pocket cardigan with brown trim

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I have a million cardigans in my closet, but nothing quite like this one from Reiss. I really like the contrast piping, especially on the pockets. I could see this being a big part of my wardrobe for the next 2-3 months, paired with a midi skirt for the office or denim and tee for the weekend.

If you don’t wear a lot of navy, it also comes in gray with a light brown detailing. 

The sweater is $248 at Reiss and comes in sizes XS-XL. 

Sales of note for 4/24:

248 Comments

  1. If you’ve had a partner with severe depression, any tips for how to get through it?

    (Married, 2 young kids, some family support, I’m throwing money at everything I can. He’s in intensive outpatient treatment and seeing psychiatry. I started seeing my own therapist.)

    1. People will criticize me for this, but you can’t understand until you have lived it. You need to set boundaries for yourself and create downtime away from the intensity. I began sleeping in a separate room. Also try to keep the kids away from him as much as possible. They will be permanently affected by witnessing what he is going through, especially if he is the type to lash out. After-school care, lots of extracurriculars, weekends at the grandparents’, play dates, etc.

      If his parents are nearby and supportive, can you send him to stay with them until the situation has stabilized? Obviously a lot to ask of them, but it is so difficult to solo parent while also trying to manage and protect him.

      1. I think that advice is too extreme if the partner is not lashing out. I agree that lashing out shouldn’t be accepted, but for someone who is just quietly suffering and doing their best to get treatment, being left to sleep alone and having the kids kept away as if they’re contagious could be very damaging. I would instead suggest keeping the kids busy but inviting your husband to join – “we’re going to her music class, would you like to come?” even if you know it will be a no.

        1. Even if he is just “quietly suffering,” the burden on her is huge. She will have to protect him from things like the news, burnt toast, and the kids’ complaining or refusal to eat what’s for dinner or put on their shoes because these could send him into a spiral. The mental load of being around a person who is in the throes of a mental health crisis is simply crushing. And if he is “quietly suffering” the kids will still perceive the change in him and will feel rejected.

          1. Even that depends on the person. My husband has dealt with depression for years but it’s not at all the situation that others are walking on eggshells around him (thankfully…). My best friend’s husband, on the other hand, has the worst depression I’ve seen IRL and will lie on the couch with a pillow over his head all day long when he’s not snapping at the kids. It’s so, so individual.

        2. Possibly. I’m treading lightly here, because I know it’s a controversial take, but it’s important for the OP to put herself first to the extent that she’s able. Especially if she’s holding everything together for her kids, still has a job of her own to consider, etc. I guess I’ve seen a few situations where everything starts revolving around the depressed person’s needs and wants, and then the primary caregiver ends up spiraling as a result because they, too, are completely depleted.

          1. Oh no, I do agree with you in principle (she needs to take care of herself and her kids) but I do think a more cautious approach is warranted unless lashing out is already occurring.

          2. Again, it’s not just about lashing out. Simply being depressed and withdrawn and negative and needy is an enormous burden. The kids will notice and it will permanently affect them. My husband’s relationship with our now-adult daughter could never be salvaged. The saddest part is that she was so young that she doesn’t remember what a great, fun dad he was was before his brain broke.

          3. Sadly, my experience is similar to Anon 9:95am.

            My SIL was severely mentally ill for years, very difficult to treat. Her daughter is now grown and doesn’t speak to her.

        3. As someone who has suffered greatly from depression in the past, taking my child and moving out would have reinforced my inner narrative that I was a burden to everyone and their lives would be better without me. It would probably have been the last straw in my struggle to stay alive.
          Now, properly medicated and thinking in terms of reality, I understand how difficult it was for my husband and kid. Then, it would have been my undoing.

          1. I am not saying she should take her child and move out, but that she should create some appropriate space and ideally should send her husband to a safe loving environment where he can focus on his own recovery with less difficulty for his wife and children.

          2. People with depression don’t know what that means–focusing on your own recovery. It’s not how it works. You mean more space to spiral inside of my brain? No. Keep that man busy with his children and their activities.

          3. No no no no no. Protect the children if you want any possibility of his having a good relationship with them later on. Children and wives are not tools for the enrichment of mentally ill men.

          4. I don’t mean more space for the mentally ill husband. I mean some appropriate space and distance for the spouse and children. They are humans too with needs.

          5. Everyone has some spectrum of mental illness–no one gets away unscathed. It doesn’t sound like he’s a danger to his children and they need to know their parents, even if they are struggling. There’s no good reason to shield a child from struggle, it’s how they grow and understand the world.

      2. As someone who experienced this (but we didn’t have kids), I think the “setting boundaries” point is super important. How that manifests depends on both of you. For me, it meant continuing to go out even if he wanted to stay home, keeping up friendships even though he didn’t want to see anyone. I only started doing this after years of my world closing in because of his depression. In my case it ended in divorce, in part because he refused to follow through with treatment and in part because he resented that I still wanted to have a life. So I don’t have any great advice here, except that it’s ok and important to put yourself first.

      3. Agree, in some ways mental illness *is* contagious and being around someone who is depressed can be damaging to others.

        My brother has lived with us for the past year as he has worked to get his bipolar II under control, and when he is manic or depressed I do feel it is mentally dangerous for my kids to be around him, and his mood and outlook are contagious to them. So we really limit his interactions with the kids and both sets of grandparents pull a lot of weight in creating a stable, cheerful and pleasant home life for our kids.

      4. As a child who grew up with a depressed father, I appreciate the acknowledgement. Like, I have been to years of therapy because I grew up with a mom stressed to the breaking point and a father that could barely stand to be around me. One woman cannot adequately support a depressed husband and be a fully present parent and a depressed parent is by definition not a present parent. I sometimes wish that my parents had separated or I lived with extended family or something while that was going on, and then I remember that would probably have just caused new and different problems for me. The kids need help too, don’t let their needs become secondary.

    2. I’m really sorry. It’s very tough, but it sounds like you’re doing everything you can. Make sure you’re caring for yourself in the most basic ways: hydrate, eat as well as you can, get your sleep. Give your children love and support. Remind yourself and your husband that you love him and support him.

      The hard truth is that this is his depression. That doesn’t mean you’re unaffected by it; it just means you can’t make it go away. I’m glad you have your own therapist — that’s a really important step for giving you skills here.

      Please update when you can. I’ll be thinking of you.

    3. I’m really sorry. To add to the above, I’d say try to have at least two things in your week with people that are reliably joyful. For me, that was a standing dinner with a great friend, and a dance class I loved with nice people. (i realize that’s harder with kids…thinking about how I’d handle things in my current life with young kids, maybe a workday lunch with a cheerful colleague? And a standing dinner with a friend, where the kids are with a babysitter who can be another emotionally healthy adult in their life?). I find I really pick up on other’s energy, so to stay stable I needed time with other people who were positive and cheerful.

      1. +1000 to your last line. Now is not the time to spend with friends who also have depression.

        1. +1. If you haven’t already I’d let your close friends know what going on and explicitly ask for what you need – silly memes, check in calls with no pressure to stay on the phone if you can’t handle it, offers to watch your kids or come hang out at your house for a low key chat, etc.

          1. Adding another vote for telling your close friends if you haven’t already. Sadly, there are likely other people in your life that are walking the same path as you and can be there for support. And, based on experience, it is rarely the people that you would guess. Sending all the internet hugs and support, nothing more articulate to say other than it sucks.

    4. When my husband was struggling with both depression and a severe medical illness (cancer, transplant) for 3+ years I found it immensely helpful to literally get out of town. I needed to have some time, a couple long weekends, where I was completely separated from being his caregiver or thinking about his needs. We had other family around that could help him in an emergency, and I packed my bags and flew to my best friend’s house in California a couple times. It was SO helpful to get away completely. I didn’t start doing this until the caregiver burnout was serious, and I wish I had started sooner. I wonder if if would have helped prevent the caregiver burnout, or at least given me a little more stamina. I was so afraid of hurting his feelings, and it did hurt his feelings for me to travel without him, but I absolutely had to take care of myself first. I was burned to a crisp with caregiving. Prevention is best! Take care of yourself. It can be a platitude, but I do not mean it that way. I mean LITERALLY figure out what you need to be restored and refreshed and DO IT NOW.

      Now that the dust has settled, he and I put together an emergency action plan in case this situation arises again. It includes a couple things you may consider. We were so concerned about saving money, but I wish I had put my mental health above our bank account balance. 1. Meal delivery service weekly (blue apron type OR in-home chef if really needed). 2. Increasing our cleaners schedule from monthly to bi-weekly 3. Getting help with laundry and dishes as well as taking out the trash a couple times a week. 4. Asking his family to visit more so I can leave town once a month for a scheduled weekend away. 5. Hiring out lawn care or snow removal depending on the season (my husband kept saying that doing these things was good for him, encouraged him to be active and helpful, ect. but reality was that he didn’t do them and it fell to me to be the back-up plan).

      Now that we have a child, I would also include 6. Scheduling a regular babysitter. One weekday evening and one weekend morning, for me to reliably get out of the house and do something that fills my cup (yoga, pottery class, brunch with friend, etc).

      Wishing you the best and I hope things start to get better soon!

      3. Yeah, #5 ate me alive. I kept letting him say he’d do things and he’d abandon them and then I lived in a falling apart #^*]-hole for two years. Never again. My life massively improved when I just started hiring things out

    5. That’s really hard. I lived it and ultimately left. Much easier because there weren’t kids, but my advice is start to think about what that looks like and plan a bit. Get a war chest together. Consider a post-nup. Talk to a lawyer. That kind of thing. It was the loneliest time and things got immensely better once I was out of it. Not saying this will end there, but the level of severity you’re saying makes it pretty tough to work through and have a partner in your spouse.

      4. As someone who has been in this situation with kids, I will point out that the problem is that you will be forced to grant him solo parenting time no matter how unfit he is. Many women cannot in good conscience agree to this.

        1. Maybe. But also people can agree privately to something different. I don’t think OP should let fear get in the way of talking to a lawyer and planning for this possibility. If nothing else, it’s nice to remember you always have options.

          1. What dad is going to privately agree to giving 100% legal and physical custody to the mom?

          2. Dads that are 100% checked out of parenting and don’t care about anything. I know one.

        2. Yeah I’m a plus one above, and probably would never have left if we had kids (which we fortunately did not) because I knew he was too unstable to be left alone around kids. Not in a super violent way, but in a “is likely to take a 3 hour nap while leaving the toddler unsupervised” kind of way. So I am sending lots of love to people with young children in this situation.

          1. I wrote the comment and didn’t have kids, but I’d still consider this doesn’t have to be forever, toddlers grow up. Just knowing you have an out, even if it’s not tomorrow, can be really helpful.

    7. I can empathise with your position – it is impossibly hard to help someone who maybe does not want the help, and be told you do not understand when you are trying to encourage the person to do things you know will help them, or at least won’t make them feel worse (very small things like eat some of a healthy meal, or come and sit with you in the sunshine for a few minutes). All I can advise is know that it is not you. Try to provide him with the opportunities to do something good, but do not take it personally when he doesn’t want to.
      The darkness may rise for him, and when it does then your support will be invaluable. Hugs.

    8. I once posted here asking about whether people thought it was reasonable to expect a person with depression to put on a brave face and act happy during a child’s birthday party. Responses were mixed (as they should be on a complex subject), but in reading here, I think it’s important to consider some of the same ideas. How much is your spouse’s depression affecting family life? Is he willing to put others first on certain days, even if he needs to focus on his own treatment on other days? Is everything becoming ALL about his depression with no exceptions? Try to take a honest accounting of where things are at and it will help determine what next steps should be. There’s a huge difference between someone who was recently diagnosed and just beginning treatment and someone who has had severe depression (with its resulting impacts) off and on for years.

    10. As someone who went through this with young kids, you are getting great advice. I’m glad he is getting treatment and seeking psychiatry because my husband refused to do it until I sought divorce.

      You are getting great advice. Please take care of yourself and the kids. I also recommend NAMI Family Support Groups and Anne Sheffield books (How to Survive When they’re Depressed, and Depression Fallout).

      I’m happy to say that my husband finally got through it. He has a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a personal trainer. He also stopped drinking. The great guy I married is back, and I hope the mean and nasty person he turned into is gone forever.

      1. The personal trainer is an amazing idea. Exercise, on top of meds + therapy, was one of the best additional treatments for my family member.

    11. I lived this for 10 years with small kids because I couldn’t imagine leaving them with my husband without an intermediary. He wasn’t violent, but he was often angry and always moody. I kept the struggle to myself for 3 years but then just started sharing it with friends the way I would share this if my husband had cancer. Thinking about it that way made it easier to live through–I wouldn’t have left him if he had cancer, and so I didn’t leave, but it was very hard. We didn’t have the money for the help listed in the ideas above (all very good ideas!) but I eventually found it helpful to take the kids on vacations separately to create joyful memories, to go out often with the kids to museums and other outings without him, to really invest in my friendships, and to share out loud with the kids that daddy had an illness that made him sad and angry sometimes, but that he wasn’t sad or angry because of them. This statement really helped my oldest, who was internalizing his dad’s reactions before I started regularly saying this out loud. I told my husband in advance before I started framing things this way but I didn’t ask permission. My husband finally got treatment when I told him I would need to consider a separation if he didn’t at least try medication. It is a night and day difference–the man I married is back and my kids are turning to him like flowers to the sun. It was so hard but I would do it again. I just wish I pushed him onto medication earlier for all of our sakes.

      1. Well done. You are such a good Mom and spouse. I wish all good things for you and your family, and all of those commenting on this thread.

  2. It’s our first false spring of the year where I live! What do you do to celebrate spring even if it’s false? Mine always used to be drinking rose at a sidewalk cafe

    1. I take a long walk outside with my face turned up to the sun. I’m like a plant trying to photosynthesize the will to make it through till April.

    2. Walk around with my coat unzipped and no scarf or gloves, even if at this same temp in November, I am bundled up!

    6. I go on the walks and hiking trails that I know will be buggy later in the year. (There’s a lovely park near me with boardwalks over the water that exists because a woman who deeply loved spiders funded its construction to help other spider lovers like herself encounter spiders more. I personally prefer to visit on a nice day in February!)

      1. Intellectually, I greatly value and appreciate spiders (and bats). In the wild, I would strongly prefer to appreciate them outside my house and far away from me. The idea of wanting to get closer to them gives me the all overs….

        1. Right? I know bats are good creatures but they gross me out so, so much. I have a stronger fear of bats than snakes, spiders, or anything else!

          1. Bats freak me out because of rabies. I now actively hate the species because I had to spend thousands of dollars to evict them from my attic thanks to shoddy work by the original builder and a subsequent roofer. I know they eat bugs, but they can do it without living in my home.

          2. I know people like this and it is a notable fear they have. I love bats and get really excited when I see them at dusk, or when I was in Italy and actually saw them in a belfry! They make me happy.

  3. Low stakes question. I have a $20 gift card to Yankee Candle. I’m fairly scent sensitive so I haven’t used it yet. Can anyone recommend a subtle scent or some other product I can get there?

    1. I would regift that gift card, or buy something for someone who likes fragrances.

      They do sell some candle-related accessories if you’d like to use those with an unscented candle from somewhere else?

    2. Candle snuffer or re-gift. I have yet to find a Yankee Candle fragrance that does not turn my into a sniffling miserable mess.

    3. I think it depends on exactly how your scent sensitivity manifests. I am very sensitive to some scents, but I am generally ok with anything fruity or food-based. So I can do their candles that are pumpkin, cookies, fruits, minty, etc. without any problems. I can’t do anything that verges into floral or musky. I am very careful about the combo scents with a more general name (like clean laundry or morning sunshine or whatever) because they often sneak something in there that I can’t handle. I have a very similar approach to the soap scents at Bath & Body Works. If that sounds like you, you may be ok with something in that category. If you’re more sensitive than that, I echo those who suggested regifting.

    4. They have a nice looking gold rechargeable lighter if that is something you will use for other things?

  4. I’m having a hard time forcing myself to do things that would make my life easier and better.

    A few examples:
    For 7-8 years, I was a reliable morning exerciser. Now, getting myself out of bed is so flipping hard, and I end up blowing off more workouts than I actually accomplish.

    I used to do a few meal prep things every weekend: usually a lunch that I could use for most of the week, like soup, and one breakfast item (usually baked oatmeal or an egg dish that could be reheated). I usually have enough time but often lack the motivation or desire.

    I have gotten into a terrible habit of scrolling in the evenings because starting a book feels like too much effort for my tired brain at the end of the day.

    I am honestly getting very sick of myself. My kids are older and much more self sufficient. I have the time to take care of myself, and I used to have the habits, but I cannot seem to stick to them anymore. Possibly related, but I’m in my mid-40s and I’m pretty sure that peri is kicking my butt. Have been VERY hesitant to try any pharmaceutical intervention because I historically have not reacted well to hormones in BC and other things.

    I’m worn out and miss who I used to be.

    1. Exercise creates energy. Force yourself to get back to that part in whatever way feels joyful, not obligatory, and a lot of the other things will solve themselves.

      Also, I’m assuming you’ve had bloodwork to rule out thyroid issues, anemia and vitamin deficiencies, but this being new onset means you should talk to your doctor about it if you haven’t.

    2. Big hugs, you could be describing me. I think it comes down to habit, and if you’re in the habit it’s so much easier.

      For books – could you start an audiobook on your way to work and then pick up with the written book later? I do that a lot. As long as you end the audiobook on a chapter (remember a pretty specific word if you’re on kindle) then it’s easy to toggle back and forth.

      Emily Henry books are great on audio if you want something really easy.

      1. That’s also me. To give rest to tired brain I have been focusing on light reads but it helped me a lot to avoid pre-sleep phone scrolling. Even an easy light read has to be better than doomscrolling

    3. Can you start with a good physical? Have your PCP run all the blood tests (esp thyroid) to make sure you aren’t actually dealing with a medical problem. Once that is ruled out, if you have access to a functional medicine practioniner, I have found they have way more time (and run much more in-depth tests) that may help determine whether there is a medical issue. If no medical issues, when I’ve been burnt out and need a deep reset, I focus on sleep, then food, then movement – in that order. Sleep is everything and doing what I need to get good sleep automatically means I am taking better care of myself. Once I’m resting well, I focus on clean, simple foods that fuel the body (and will spend a bit to jump start this – more ready made meals from a service that focuses on health). Only once I have sleep and food in hand do I focus on movement (and I think of it as movement rather than exercise – exercise sounds like a chore, and movement a treat). I wish you luck in getting past this – I have been there and it is a bummer.

      1. OP here, and I agree with your approach. What I’ve realized is that good sleep is not a reliable thing for me anymore, which throws off everything!

      2. Agree with all of this. I’ll say a lot of my mood and unwillingness to do stuff came with exercise. That was step 1 for me. But I realized a lot of my labs were suboptimal and impacting me too. Low ferritin, low vit d, etc. All within “normal ranges” but not optimal ranges and that definitely impacted me.

    4. BC is hell, but I have every intention of pursuing HRT personally as soon as it would be helpful. For me “body identical” seems to make a big difference (endless side effects with progestin but no problem with progesterone, for example).

      But mid-40s is also a time of elevated risk for new onset medical stuff that’s not peri. Low stomach acid leading to nutritional deficiencies and fatigue, Hashimoto’s, rheumatological conditions, sleep apnea, etc. There are plenty of women who feel great and have lots of energy in our 40s, 50s, 60s, so it’s totally reasonable to expect to feel better!

      1. Low stomach acid is not a common condition. Not sure why you are leading with this. Though nutritional deficiencies are common.

        1. I was told that producing less stomach acid was more common the older we get, but I guess I don’t know how common that makes it. Looking it up it looks like older is more like 60s and up, so I was an outlier!

          1. this just tells me that you’re 43 or something. i totally agree with 11:29, between peri and general aging it ain’t fun.

    8. Sometimes you just get sick of doing it all. I get this way every so often, it’s not a medical issue, it’s just life. I get out of it by hitting the easy button for a month or so – order dinner from a meal prep company and liberally permit take out. Plan a couple of restorative weekends, usually at a spa with a girlfriend. After that, I’m always ready to get back to good habits. I take a final weekend to clean out my closet and organize the house. Then doing the usual stuff like exercise and meal planning feels natural and fun again. The tl/dr is sometimes you just need a break from being “good.”

    9. “Getting sick of myself” is exactly where I’ve been lately too. First, the state of the world, plus the fact that it’s the grossest part of the winter, is not helping anyone, so keep that in mind this stuff is likely harder for most people than it used to be/usually is.

      My psychiatrist basically “prescribed” me exercise because I want to get off my anti-depressants, and so for me treating it like something I have to do for my mood rather than a more abstract goal has been helpful. Whenever I try to weasel out of it I remind myself no, you are prescribed 45 minutes for your mood. And I am wildly inconsistent with what time of day I go–whatever feels doable for the current day.

      Secondly I think scrolling is truly ruining all our brains. I’m making a big effort to break the habit this year but it’s HARD. I live alone, and am an introvert, so I struggle with evenings a lot. I’ve made my phone into a diy dumbphone by changing the screen to black and white (no more exciting notification colors), deleting all my apps except for the essentials–even deleting the roku remote, for instance. I want less reasons to pick up my phone.

      And don’t be afraid to go easy mode on things you can. I used to do a lot of scratch cooking, and now I’m in a phase of eating a lot of pre-portioned yogurt and pre-flavored tuna and baby bell cheese. It’s “good enough” for me right now.

      It’s hard, but I am slowly feeling better. I’m getting more accomplished at work, am more present in my life and am feeling mentally calmer.

    10. I find the Mel Robbins five second rule to be very helpful, particularly as it relates to getting out of bed to exercise in the morning.
      When I find myself scrolling, I either set a legitimate alarm to go off in X minutes which is when I must stop or force myself to stop immediately and open my book, which I also keep on my phone.
      I am very motivated by doing the thing I don’t want to do now to make my life easier in the future though.

    11. If you completely put your devices away/lock them up for a week, does that change the energy equation significantly?

  5. What are some of the best travel experiences for foodies? My teen is a big foodie… what’s the next level after like Epcot?

    1. Where do you live that Epcot = foodie? I say that because to me “foodie” means going to the actual source country (so, Paris, Rome, etc) vs. the Disney version of the cuisine, but if you’re in a smaller community, somewhere like Miami or NYC?

        1. I laughed out loud.

          OP just take her to the ethnic neighborhoods of your largest city. Where I live you can go to interesting areas that serve wonderful cuisine from just about every major group.

    2. Cookery course in the country of your teen’s favorite cuisine! Maybe with a local knife course etc to cover the basics first.

    3. What kind of foodie – are they into cooking and learning new techniques, exploring new cuisines, or both? What about a cooking class or food tour? Can be done domestically as well as internationally.

      Do you mean Epcot like ‘here is a very gentle world-cuisines taster at a family vacation we were going on anyway’? A level up from that might be a food-centric staycation in your nearest big city: an Eataly visit; a Chinatown food tour; a cooking class that introduces your teen to fresh foods and new techniques, something like that.

    4. Do you want to stay domestic? My first answer would be to travel to a place known for its food culture (obvious answers being France and Italy, but it could also be like Mexico or Thailand). But even domestically, just plan a trip around food. Go to New England and find all the best seafood spots, go to New Orleans and eat Cajun food, go to Texas and find the best BBQ… You could do this pretty anywhere! And you can obviously add other local interests to round out the trip.

      1. Confederacy of Cruisers in NOLA has, or had, a bike food tour. Leisurely ride around the city with stops to sample different items.

        I think a lot of cities have food tours. There’s a company called Backstreet Cuisine, something like that. I’ve never used them but have heard them praised.

    5. People are being very judgmental about this . . . not everyone has the resources or the travel experience to immediately jump to international travel for food experiences.

      OP – International travel is great for food and if you are interested in that, look at food centered day tours in the cities you are visiting (Paris, Madrid, and Rome are all places I have done this). But if that does not fit into your time or monetary budget, I would recommend going to a place with a great food and do a tour there. NYC, Miami, New Orleans (making sure the tour is not alcohol centered; mine definitely was), and San Francisco (Chinatown!!) are all good for this.

      I hope you have fun!

      1. If you live in a city or town of any size at all, they probably have a food tour right there. I know they do in California, anyway. Start there!

      2. I’m not one of the previous posters, but it is disingenuous to pretend that Epcot vacations are available to unprivileged people. Maybe not international cooking school vacation levels, but still, upgrades from a Disney vacay implies OP can handle more than a basic road trip to a nice restaurant.

    6. Post or search on the subreddit for your city asking for the best non-chain restaurants. That’s how I find the best holes in the wall for any city I happen to be visiting. Local subs can be a hot mess, but this is where they excel.

    7. Let me have a go at answering the question asked: this is literally why the Michelin guide was created! If people drive for good food, they will buy more tires.

      Start there.

    8. OP here – my apologies I was thinking about the Epcot Food & Wine festival as being a bucket list trip because it sounds fun and I know foodie friends who’ve done it… while looking at a magazine talking about cruises designed for foodies / by Giada. So I was thinking family friendly I guess.

    9. The next level after Epcot is a food tour while visiting somewhere that’s famous for having good food. I’m sure there are a zillion amazing food tours for somewhere like Paris or the Amalfi coast. You can also do cooking classes when you travel. Look at Viator and reviews online.

      I went on a great food tour in Madrid but I can’t remember the name of the company. I’m pretty sure it was recommended here. If you post a couple of cities you’re considering, folks might have specific recommendations.

    10. I’m a travel advisor and two things I always recommend to families who love food are 1) food tours and 2) cooking classes to learn how to make the destination’s signature food (pasta-making in Italy, bagels in NYC, croissant-making in France, etc)

      I’m going to London with my 8 year old soon and we’re doing this GBBO inspired baking experience that seems to have good reviews: Big London Bake.

      If the question is about how to choose destinations, hard to recommend without knowing the kids (&adults) and what they like to eat, but France, Italy and Japan are definitely classics for a reason.

    11. Epcot is punishment for a foodie. Start by trying restaurants in your home city.

  6. I got a cardigan like this from Boden last year and I’ve been obsessed with it!

  7. I haven’t been to Trader Joe’s in at least 2 years but there’s one near my mammogram today. Anything I definitely need to get? Skincare, food?

    1. I love to just wander around and see what catches my eye! I almost always leave with a fun drink, something crunchy, and something sweet.
      Favorite TJ’s items: gel facial sunscreen, prebiotic soda, “fake” cheetos or takis, crispbread (like a seedy cracker), dark chocolate almonds, dark chocolate pb cups, peppermint tea, frozen indian meals, canned lentils, and thick greek yogurt.
      I also find their flowers and greeting cards be surprisingly good!

    2. They now have a Shopping List on their site so you can plan your trip. We do dried fruit, nuts, shelf stable salad dressing and hoisin sauce from them.

    3. Surprisingly good cheese selection. Anything in the frozen section that piques your interest – I always stock up on the garlic naan, the kimbap, and recently I’ve liked the simit bread. Their vegan pesto (as a non vegan) is excellent. I’m obsessed with their papadum chips. Pretty of much anything in the toiletries section has worked for me – right now I’m using their dry shampoo and its better than much more expensive ones I’ve bought in the past.

      1. One of the moisturisers is a dupe for one of the Clinique ones…doesn’t work for my skin, but do take a look in store!

    5. I’m obsessed with their plain whole milk Greek Yogurt, which ruins you for all others, and their rosemary mixed nuts, which have a little sugar as well as salt & rosemary.

    6. I moved away from the US and really miss TJs. Here is my dream list! Fresh salad (spinach one, and a superfood something), everything but the bagel seasoning, frozen croissants for a lazy Sunday in the future, jojoba oil (for any kind of skincare and instead of lotion after showering), strawberry Os cereal, full fat Greek yogurt, fresh pizza dough to make exactly the pizza you want (super fun for kids too and they do the pre-made tomato sauce for it), smoked salmon if they have it (I was in seattle so ymmv), green tea mints in a tin from next to the till (handy to keep in the car). Do they still do the little coffee stand with samples? I loved that so much.

      Had mixed luck with the fresh fruit and veg so inspect it first.

    7. Speculoos cookies. They are a little like a gingersnap. Don’t get too attached to anything, though; TJ’s is notorious for discontinuing your favorite products. RIP, gummi penguins. :(

    8. The “Something Spritzy” canned mocktails are great (the greenish one specifically). They’re like a cocktail with the bitters flavors and fruit juices but non-alcoholic. Can always add some later lol.

  8. I have worn essential oils for many years and am interested in branching out.
    My preference is earthy, non sweet or overly floral scents.
    Are there any recommended perfumes from the hive? Ideally available in sample sizes.

    1. I’m not a scent head, but I recently stayed at a Marriot with petitgrain-scented body products and I really loved them.

    2. LuckyScent is awesome for getting trial size perfumes. Oftentimes when I feel the itch for something new I will order a bunch of samples and that satisfies the desire without spending a lot. I love green scents, and my favorite right now is “You or Someone Like You” by Etat Libre d’Orange. It’s really fresh and distinctive and not overpowering.

    3. Try Jo Malone samples and 9 ml travel sizes. Many of their scents are unisex or lean masculine, and all are clearly labeled with the primary fragrance notes, which might make them an easy step from essential oils. I like blackberry-bay and wood sage and sea salt among the less sweet/floral fragrances. Lime basil and mandarin is also nice for summer.

      1. I get tired of perfumes, except for Jo Malone Blackberry and Bay. It’s a very wearable, not too complex and not too perfume-y scent. I think this is an excellent suggestion for someone who has been using essential oils.

        I’m going to add May Lindstrom’s The Good Stuff. Maybe The happy Galaxy too, although that one runs a little bit towards medicinal to me. It’s a body oil. It is also $$$$ so I cut a little bit into unscented lotion as I put my lotion on.

    4. If you can get a few samples of a vetiver-forward scent; it may be one you love or may be one you hate. Creed, Le Labo…

      DS & Durga’s Debaser might be a hit with you too…

      Also give Acqua di Parma a try – I’ve always loved it for spring and summer.

  9. Hopefully a fun topic for the morning: do you like your name? Why or why not?

    If you have kids, how intentional were you about choosing names?

    1. I love my last name (Crane). It’s impossible to mispronounce and it sounds good with everything but you don’t see it everywhere. I know one other person professionally with the same name, which feels uncommon with other easy-to-pronounce names (Smith, Jones).

      2. I love my last name too – it’s easy to spell and pronounce in English but isn’t associated with one particular ethnicity (at least in America). My husband’s name is usually mispronounced and often misspelled, which is one of several reasons I did not take his name when we married.

    2. I didn’t always like my name, but I do now. Even though it went through a peak popularity moment in the late 80s/90s, I think it’s an objectively pretty-sounding name. I’m also 5-10 years older than most individuals with this name, so I guess my parents were trend setters, lol. That said, I do NOT like my middle name, which is undeniably very 70s/80s.

      When it came to naming my own kids, I purposely went the route of choosing something classic that I believed would work at any age. My son’s name is actually my dad’s middle name, which I’d always really loved. My daughter’s name is one that I’d always liked, and reminded both DH & I of some strong women we really respect. Both kids have family middle names.

      1. Jessica Marie? (lol)

        I like for whom I’m named – favorite literary characters – more than I like the name itself.

          3. In my friend group, we have Melissa Dawn, Ashley Dawn, and Erin Dawn. It’s one of those combinations. It’s the name Dawn that I truly dislike. At least the Babysitters Club made it cool for awhile.

    3. I love my name – it’s different & I’ve never met another person with my name.

      With our kids, we wanted something not commonly heard, but not 100% unique. We ended up with 2 memorable names and we often get complimented on them, and my kids have the benefits of being the only 1 with that name in their class/activities. We see a lot of kids with the same or similar names (like Karter for example).

    4. I used to like my name well enough, but it was extremely common in my age cohort, and it’s recently become a slur word for uppity middle-aged women – you can all guess what it is! The sad fate of my name happened after I named my kids . . . but I was nonetheless thoughtful about not choosing super popular names. We liked a few that we didn’t realize were top of the charts until we checked – funny how that happens/ preferences get into your head by some kind of osmosis.

      1. Awww, that stinks. I do feel bad for the lovely women I know with this particular name. You never know what pop culture lexicon is going to take off.

        1. I do think it’s such a bummer, as all the women I *personally* know with that name are absolute delights, some of my very favorite people in the world and aspirational role models.

    5. I love my full name (Katherine) but have gone by Katie since birth and I don’t like Katie. But, switching to Katherine also felt kind of disingenuous, so Katie it is!

      It doesn’t help that I’m a child of the 90s so I was one of many, many Katies.

      My middle name is a family name but is such “grandma” name, I’ve always hated it.

      For naming kids, I like classic names (everyone can spell/pronounce, common but not trendy and uber popular) and ideally with a good nickname (so there’s an alternative if they don’t like it). Some of my favorites are Maggie (Margaret), Annie (Ann(e) or Anna), Danny (Daniel), Lucy, Caroline, Liz (Elizabeth), Rob (Robert), Jack (John), Rose, Grace, Matthew, Charlie (Charles).

      I do like having family names in there somewhere. A few of the ones I mentioned above are family names, but otherwise I’ll use them in the middle name slot.

    6. I love my name’s, they are both very normal, but not especially popular and not tragedeighs. No one who speaks English as a first language has ever mispronounced my name.

    7. I love my first name, because it is meaningful to my family and my heritage, but now that I live in the US, it’s really hard to pronounce for English speakers. I have become a pro at the “funny icebreaker to explain my name” but it gets old when you have ten meetings a day. So I picked something more internationally recognized for my first child. I’m expecting another child and part of me wants to lean into my heritage more, but am still trying to figure out a way to do that that still works reasonably well in English.

    8. Pretty much no one calls me by my first name (another popular 80s name). I have no issue with it but there’s something about me that compels people to call me by my last name. This was true of both my maiden and married last names.

      We were intentional with our son’s name that we wanted to shy away from popular names and also naming him after anyone in our families.

      1. I always wished I had a last name people could call me! Even my brothers never got called by their last names because ours is just not conducive to that.

    9. Going anon to lightly dox myself lol. My name is Cristin. I kind of hate it, tbh. My parents didn’t know the “normal” spelling is Kristen, so I don’t blame them, but I’ve spent my entire life spelling my name for people. Not talking like baristas, but my marriage license (after I stood there and spelled it for them). I have aunts and uncles who still misspell it and I’m nearing 40. I’ve had people make rude remarks like “oh that’s creative.” I don’t feel it fits my vibe really. I’ve considered changing it or going by my middle name, but sometime about that has always felt slightly embarrassing to me.

      I don’t have kids, but one of my top priorities if I did would be to give them a name that is easily comprehensible to the listener. Something that only has one spelling, and an obvious pronunciation (I’m frequently called Christine).

      1. Why not change it? I grew up with a rebekca, the second she turned 18 she started the process to legally become Rebecca.

        1. Oh, for whatever reason I see Kristen as a completely different name, one that I don’t identify with at all, and I actually dislike it way more than my spelling😅. So it’s not a matter of wishing/wanting to change the spelling, as much as wanting an entirely different name.

          1. You could do that. My sister-in-law did. It took the family a while to adjust, but it’s been a long time, and no one really thinks about it anymore.

      2. The first Kristin/en I knew spelled it Cristin so for years I thought that’s how it was spelled! When a friend’s new baby sister was named Kristin I thought they used a “creative” spelling.

        To this day I now prefer the Christen spelling because it looks more right to me with a C… all because I had a friend in kindergarten named Cristin.

        1. that’s sweet! I’ve only ever met one other Cristin in the wild and we had a moment of excited bonding, hah.

      3. oooooh my maiden name was like this – pronounced just like the vast majority of people spell it, but with one letter different. People would always give me a side-eye when I would start spelling it out for them (as in, rolling their eyes because clearly I was assuming they were illiterate) but when it’s, ex, Smyth instead of Smith and you need it to be accurate – like, school registrations, email addresses, doctor’s office – it needed to be right!

    10. I like my name fine. It’s not super common but not super rare, either. However, it is not spelled the most common way, but is still fairly standard spelling (so, not something like Khathei for Kathy), so people misspell my name all the time, even people I’ve worked with for 10+ years. And it’s right there in the email address and my signature. It bugs me, but feels like it’s too late to make a fuss.

    11. I like my name well enough, though it often gets misspelled. It has become more popular so there are often a few kids in my kids classes with my name. Growing up I didn’t know anyone else with my name and have only met one other adult with it.

      My husband and I named our kids easy-to-pronounce Spanish names and we have talked about how our grandparents all had hard-to-pronounce Spanish names and were all forced to pick or were given an English name in school. Our parents have the English version of common Spanish names. My husband and I have English names that don’t really have Spanish equivalents and then we went back to Spanish names for our kids, but easy to spell and pronounce for English speakers.

    12. My parents chose to call me by my middle name, which bears no resemblance to my first name. It has been a source of frustration my entire life. I never know whether I need to check in (doctor, hotels, other reservation) under my first name or what I’m actually called. I prefer to give them my middle name so they’ll call me what I’m actually called, but sometimes the name on your reservation HAS to match the first name on your ID. I usually just say my last name when I check in, otherwise I’m playing 20 questions with which name they have.

      When I got married, my husband wanted me to take his name. I told him then I’ll never know how to check in! Do they have my birth name or married name? The front desk will ask me my name and I’ll just be like idk. Idk what my name is anymore.

      Don’t call your kids by their middle name! It’s not cute or fun. Just name them what you want their name to be. Sheesh.

      1. I have always gone by my middle name and do the same dance frequently and it doesn’t really bother me at all. I’ll just say “Lucy. Or it might be under Sylvia.” (not my real names, haha.) I’m called by my middle name though because it’s traditional in our family for the girls to have the same first name and use their middle names, so I’ve always felt very proud of both names, maybe that’s why I don’t mind as much. And I have a fairly unusual last name for this country, so it’s not like either first name will result in my getting confused for anyone else.

      2. I went to college in the South and was astounded to learn parents give their kid a first name fully intending for them to go by their middle name. I’m from a culture that doesn’t name babies after living relatives. It seems dreadfully self-important to give your kid a first name they’ll never use (or will cause confusion) because you want to “preserve” the sacred family name.

        1. +1 so self important. My husband is a JR and his father is the most narcissistic @$$hole I’ve ever met.

        2. I’m in the south and the worst man I have ever known (middle aged biglaw partner) decided one day to start signing everything “J. Montgomery Smith” instead of either “John M. Smith,” or just “John Smith,” which he had used his entire professional life. Ugh, STFU.

        3. My in-laws gave their son the family name as a middle name and then called him by a nickname for it. Truly the most confusing name ever.

        4. I’m from the South and go by a nickname of my middle name (Laurie vs. Lauren). I always thought it was really pretty growing up, and didn’t think twice about it until I got my professional license and had to sign A. Lauren _____. Let’s just say I’m very excited to change my first name to Laurie when I get married next year!

      3. I have always gone by my middle name and like that a lot. One of my parents and half of my siblings are middle name people, as is one of my 2 kids. It seems really normal to me and very little work. I like my whole name but my middle name is my internalized and I am glad that it has always been my “name.”

    13. I think my first name hits the sweet spot of common enough that everyone can spell and pronounce it, there are no weird associations, and it isn’t tied to a specific decade but there were only a few at my high school.

      For future kids, I feel strongly that we should pick names with only one spelling. Common names with multiple spellings are a pain. I used to work with kids and don’t get me started on the “creative” spellings that mean you’ll spend your whole life correcting people.

      1. Yes! As a Katherine I feel so strongly about choosing names with one common spelling! I have spent my life correcting Katherine vs Catherine vs Kathryn (not to mention Katharine and Catharine).

        My dad is Mark and my mom is Alison and yet they saddled me with Katherine.

        1. Oh believe me when I tell you people spell “Alison” multiple ways.

          Signed Allison with two Ls and an I – not to be confused with Alyson, Alison, Allyson, or (on one memorable occasion) Alysan.

          1. That was my point. They know the struggle of names with multiple common spellings and still named me Katherine.

    14. I hate my first name. It’s from the wrong part of the country (think Southern two-parter like Amy Jo or Betty Lou, and I’m in So Cal) and also the wrong generation (my mom named me after a friend of hers and she was 35 when I was born, so…).

      I don’t mind my last name but it’s hard to spell so I always introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Senior Attorney A-T-T-O-R-N-E-Y.”

      When my son was born I wanted Name A and my then-husband wanted Name B. They started with the same letter so our compromise was to name him Name A and call him a shortened version of Name B as a nickname. I ended up wishing we’d just used Name B in the first place. Now that she’s my daughter she’s chosen a female version of Name B, which makes me happy.

    15. I come from a family where naming people after family members is definitely the norm, so I have my great-grandmother’s (on my mother’s mother’s side) maiden name as my first name (it works very well as a woman’s name) and my great-grandmother’s (on my father’s mother’s side) first name as my middle name. I appreciate the name and the connection.

      My daughter has my maternal great-aunt’s first name/my mother’s middle name as her first name (and another grandmother’s first name as her middle name). She is Katherine (always Kate never Katie) and I put a LOT of thought into giving her a name that was easy to spell and on a nickname that did not sound juvenile. I was a little worried she would be 1 of 100 Kates in school, but it turned out not to be that common (lots of Katies though).

    16. My name is Vanessa. I really dislike it! How my parents landed on it is mystifying to me; they’re such traditional people, I have no idea how they came up with something so 80s-tastic. Anyway, I’m mid-40s now, so I’ve come to terms with it. VERY deliberative about my kids’ names, in part because they have my husband’s unusual last name, so wanted to ensure their names were classic, easy to pronounce, etc.

      1. I love the name Vanessa! A childhood friend from England was named Vanessa, and I always associate it with her lovely personality and English charm.

      3. I don’t think of Vanessa as an 80s name! Maybe because I’m younger? It seems like a classic/traditional name.

      4. Thank you!! Silly as it seems, these comments are very touching to me :)

      5. I could see Vanessa as the type of name that is always good for someone else to have.

        (My name is like that, too. Other people like it; no one with it likes it.)

      6. I always think of Vanessa Redgrave, so in my mind you are regal, beautiful and able to eviscerate idiots with a pointed look.

    17. Elder millennial Katherine here. I generally like my name, especially the androgynous middle name. Middle name was code at the bar to my friends that I did not like the guy in university. Now as an adult, I use my middle name to keep a bit more separation between the first search results professionally and personally with a not so common last name.

    18. I have a name that is super popular in my age cohort. I like it fine, but I don’t like that there is no easy nickname. I gave my kids names that had easy nicknames.

      While I thought I wanted to give my kids either first or middle names that were family names, none of the names in my family tree really worked with their last name or were the kind of “old-fashioned” names that are in vogue (e.g., Frank and Martin and Eulabelle Rae as opposed to John and Phillip and Louise).

    20. For a long time I didn’t like my name – difficult to spell if you know the pronunciation and difficult to pronounce if you see the spelling. It’s gotten better in adulthood, since I don’t have to deal with teachers mispronouncing it in front of a class, and especially as I’ve gotten more successful in my career so people do the work privately to figure out how to say my name before they meet me. I gave my kids relatively straightforward names with an emphasis on names that would be pronounced correctly, though there are a couple common spellings.

      My mother, my eldest daughter, and I all share two names in common between our respective first, middle, and last names and I LOVE that though and my daughter seems to get a kick out of it too.

      1. This is me too! I commented above that the women share the same first name in my family and it feels so special to me, maybe because that’s uncommon compared to men passing their names down.

    21. I have a cool name. this may also dox me, but it is the last name of a beloved actress who died recently (not O’Hara). I was very intentional about my kids’ names, although they are more common than mine.

    22. My name is fine; it’s one that was popular in my age cohort (parents in the 80s were not creative), so there’s usually a bunch of us. I actually prefer my middle name, which is less popular, and thought about trying to go by that in college, but surprisingly there was another girl in my dorm with that name but none with my super popular name, so I didn’t. Oh well.

    23. My first name is a classical name and very common in Spain/Italy/Latin America.

      I am from Europe but not from a country with a latin-based language and do not speak Spanish (learning right now!), so it’s always fun when I call the Mexican takeout place because they assume I speak Spanish. I do not have a middle name.

      My last name is hard to pronounce due to some unusual combination of consonants, but I can’t change that. My maiden name would only be slightly better.

      For my son, we picked a first and middle name that works in both English as well as the language from my home country (think Thomas, Markus, and similar names). So far, no issues or complaints.

    24. Not directly on point, but I always thought that my late mother’s Italian surname would make a great first name or middle name. Watching the Olympics, I noted a competitor with her surname as a first name. It’s lovely and makes me feel connected to her.

    25. I don’t like my first name. It’s not a Tradgedeigh, but it’s a made up version of a name with made up spelling and I effing hate it. I am Old, and if I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to spell or pronounce my name I’d be retired and posting from my villa in the south of France right now. My mother, a rather conventional person by most metrics, had a real need to stand out amd get attention so we got weird names as a result.

      1. Tradgedeigh made me cackle! OMG that’s hilarious.

        Well done, Anon @1:44pm, well done.

    26. I really like my name. I think its pretty and its also easy to say/spell. It’s a name that has equivalents in other languages (like Mary/Marie/Maria) and sometimes people call me the other versions, especially when I’m working internationally, which I actually don’t mind at all. It doesn’t match my ethnicity which has led to some funny moments.

    27. I don’t like my birth certificate name, but I love my nickname. Uncommon but it still reads to people as a normal name instead of one of the “made up” names. (Although ask names are made up so idk why we get judged about it. But I do have a devil on my shoulder that makes fun of people’s parents for their naming choices.) Birth certificate name is too composed and French to really suit me.

    29. I’m the OP and am loving reading this!

      I don’t like my name at all. It isn’t very common, is kind of guttural, and is often misspelled. There are no nicknames for it that don’t suck. Pair that with a typical 1980s throwaway middle name that would be just terrible as a first name, and my options are nonexistent.

      My son was named for family members, but both names are easy to spell, easy to pronounce, and have lots of nickname possibilities. Neither name is terribly common for babies born in the last decade; both are classic. If he ends up hating it and all iterations, well, at least we tried.

    30. I was born outside the US and my name is my country’s equivalent of a common name like Elizabeth. It was super popular when I was born, dipped for a while, and is super popular again. It has been doing this for at least 200 years.

      It is almost completely unheard of in the US and has no clear American/English equivalent (aka it’s not biblical). I also have a long ethnic last name so I get a lot of “how do you say that?” I changed the spelling when I naturalized to be entirely phonetic but many people still can’t manage it. I used to hate it, but not enough to change it.

      Now in my 40s I like it and I’m proud of it, but I’m still happy I simplified the spelling.

      My child has a name from my culture that is also fairly common in the English speaking world and I love, LOVE her name. I considered changing my name to this but I’m so glad I saved it for her.

  10. Just want to say a big thank you to this board for advice that people give, sometimes indirectly, as there was some talk last week about how the discussions are not very interesting or relevant anymore.

    In the spring there was an anon who asked for advice about a spouse who throws things when angry, may 1-2 times per year (hope that person is doing okay !). At the time I was living with my STBX whose behavior was that, but much, much worse. Reading through the responses to that comment, in particular the advice to read the book “Why Does He Do that”, made me realize how bad my situation really way. Including so many behaviors that I brushed off, but were actually really awful. It took some time, but I’ve since left and am now going through the process of divorce. While it’s been difficult, including because we have young kids, I’m so, so much happier. And the reality is that in many ways it’s so much less difficult than living in that house was. All that to say, I’m truly grateful for the advice from this board. Sometimes it is really life changing.

    1. I’m so glad to hear that and glad that you took it seriously. Our culture has SO normalized violence against women that it’s hard to even see those little warnings.

      1. I don’t think that’s true re our culture, but I do agree that when you’re in the middle of something awful, you can’t see or think clearly, and it’s good to have an anonymous source of advice.

        1. Violence that’s “less” than punching you in the face is absolutely normalized. Throwing things, punching a wall, shoving – most people think that’s nbd and as for the first 2, possibly even a healthy way to express anger.

          Even strangulation is seen as less problematic than punching, even though it’s way worse. I’m glad the stats about strangulation have been making their rounds for a few years. It’s really infuriating to be told, oh he wouldn’t have done it that hard, he would’ve let go, maybe he was just getting in the mood (blech).

          2. Who TF is telling you that? None of what you’re describing is a normal thing people say to each other.

          3. If your community doesn’t try to normalize these things, be grateful. There is a lot of making excuses for men in a lot of communities unfortunately.

            If your community does normalize these things, know that it’s not like this everywhere, and the grass really is greener.

          4. It’s completely normalized in family court. My ex husband would be upset with me and roll over in bed on top of me. He was 300lb. He also hit me ‘in his sleep’ so he claimed.

            It happened multiple times and was accepted by the female judge as accidental. The fact he brushed past me on the stairs causing me to fall was also accidental.

            Violence against women is absolutely normalized in family court in blue and red states.

    2. Well done! I can agree with the value of this board – I received some wonderful advice that I still quote when I was going through some horrible times.

    3. A few years ago I posted on this board after a fight with my ex. He had basically trashed our house in a fit of rage. I was physically unharmed, but the amount of “girl WTF this isn’t normal” comments were enlightening. I left him a few months later. This board can skew mean sometimes, but it’s been a huge source of support for me in difficult times.

    4. There’s also a follow up book, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That: Encouragement for Women … good to read after you’ve left I think though not as illuminating.

    5. I’m glad you’re getting out. Leaving abusive situations is so hard in large part because everyone we know also knows our spouse — and usually likes him! They all think he couldn’t possibly be a bad guy. They tell us to stay and work it out. They’ll blame the woman for leaving such a good guy, and if he kills her they blame her for not leaving sooner.

      My ex’s parents knew he had a drinking problem. They were all for him going to rehab, but they were super against me leaving him. I remember one morning I was sitting on my couch, which was covered with stuff he had thrown at me, the wall behind me stained, the floor littered with shards, my arms and face covered with welts, and his mom very earnestly took my hand and said, but he would never hurt you. Lady he DID hurt me. We are literally sitting in the proof of that right now. The cognitive dissonance is wild.

      1. I am so sorry your ex’s parents excused his awful behavior. The cognitive dissonance is indeed mind-boggling.

      2. I am so sorry. My ex’s friends and family did something similar to me. I literally needed a wheelchair and they were like, he’s a good man and you’re awful for not forgiving and moving on.

        It was so disorienting at a time when I needed to be grounded more than ever.

      3. The cognitive dissonance is wild because they don’t want to face the fact that they created the monster.

    7. Hugs! Divorce is hard but it sounds like you are going to be happy on the other side of it and I’m happy for you.

    8. I worked for many years with DV victims and am also divorced myself (for non-DV reasons), and I just want to tell you that what you did is incredibly brave and I’m proud of you!

  11. My scalp is so itchy! I’m sure it’s just dry skin but it’s driving me nuts!

    Any suggestions for a treatment or something I can do for this?

    1. I have one particular place on my scalp that gets itchy when my skin gets particularly dry. I’ve finally learned to apply lotion to that one small area. It wouldn’t work for whole-scalp itch, but for this one spot, it fixes it.

    2. Not sure if this is helpful, but I had SUCH an itchy scalp for months and months. Nothing helped — all the shampoos, oils, etc. I then sprained my back and had to go on Prednisone for 9 days. The steroid completely took my itchy scalp away! It only lasted for about two months after I stopped the steroid but it really demonstrated for me how sometimes the problem is internal, not external. So while i don’t recommend spraining your back, I do recommend considering if it’s something with your internal immune system rather than, say, too much hot water. (Though it could be that too!)

    3. Are you sensitive to something in your shampoo or hair products? You could get some Vanicream or similar shampoo and see if it calms down. Unfortunately even if you’ve used the same products for ages, a sensitivity can develop any time.

      I’m also not sure why your scalp would be so dry unless a hair product is drying it out. But hydrating more and taking a multivitamin may be worth trying if those are good ideas anyway.

      This can be the only symptom of a surprising number of diagnosable, treatable conditions, so if it doesn’t get better, it’s not overkill to see a doctor about it!

      1. This was my thought too. You can become allergic to something even after regularly using it. Try something non scented

    4. Consider that it might not be dry. You could be dealing with product buildup or even buildup of sebum, skin, etc. There is a cheap Loreal scalp serum that does wonders when I use it every few weeks.

      Also, my scalp always seems to get itchy and irritated in late winter. Maybe the dry air has taken a toll, idk.

    5. So I had an itchy head and legs and occasional hives/welts/puffy ears. Turns out it was alpha gal.

    6. I use my husband’s dandruff shampoo when my head starts to itch in winter dryness. If basic OTC doesn’t solve the issue, a dermatologist would be a good stop to make sure you don’t have something that needs Rx treatment.

      1. I would start with dandruff shampoo, and if that doesn’t work go to a dermatologist.

    7. Living Proof makes an anti-itch scalp product (it has an applicator kind of like the ones you use to apply hair dye) that really worked for me.

    9. I’d look at your shampoos and other hair products critically, as well as how you wash your hair.

      Are you massaging your scalp every time you wash your head to loosen dead skin, removing buildup and dirt? I’m asking because the number of people I know who put shampoo on their hair, massage the strands with soap, but totally neglect the scalp itself was mind-boggling to me. And in that same context, conditioner goes on your actual hair (NOT your scalp).

      You can also try to reset with a cleanse and a gentle routine: Use a shampoo containing SLS (I love the Kinky Curly Come Clean shampoo), massage your scalp and rinse really well, and then for subsequent hair washes, only use sulfate-free shampoo – bonus if unscented or just lightly scented. You can google curly-friendly products if you like. I use Not Your Mother’s or Cantu.

    10. I hate to say this, but are you sure it’s not lice? because I was sure I just had an itchy scalp (especially in the back), spent a bunch of money on new products, etc etc….and it was lice. Perhaps try a lice treatment just in case, or go to one of those nit places to get checked.

      3. I was also going to suggest this, especially if you have a kid who goes to school or daycare.

      4. Not to sidetrack the question, but do you have places/professions that take care of lice? so interesting, I never heard something like that

    11. this is what I do when I’m really itchy:

      a) get this product and use it between showers: Head and Shoulders Dandruff Treatment, Clinical Itch Relief Mist (Walmart has it but the URL is weirdly long)

      b) get anti-dandruff shampoo to use as well, I only use it every 3-4 washes if I’m not super itchy

      c) make sure that you aren’t sitting with wet roots for your hair. I have curly hair but I still blowdry the crap out of the roots (and then break out the diffuser and stuff for the middle/ends) and it’s made a huge difference.

      d) look into scalp health otherwise — give yourself scalp massages every time you wash your hair, consider a scalp treatment (I like Kiehl’s Magic Elixir but lots out there). Even one of those scalp scratchers can help — you want to increase bloodflow to your scalp.

      Also bring it up with your dermatologist if you haven’t already.

      1. Regarding C- I have thick hair that holds onto water. If I don’t blow dry at least partially it will still be damp eight hours later. My itchy scalp turned out to be a fungal problem. A dermatologist prescribed special shampoo that fixed it within a week. Now I’m careful not to leave it wet for too long.

    12. When my scalp was bad I used nizoral shampoo and it cleaned it up in two washes. It’s a fungicide.

  12. I had posted last week about how to support a friend who is divorcing. Long story short, its escalated since then. One thing is she is still talking/fighting with him a lot, he’s texting her, she’s seeing and responding to things he posts on social media etc. I really don’t think theyre going to get back together, but I’m still nervous about either 1) fueling a sort of unhealthy spiral about how awful he is or 2) saying what I really think of him. What do I do? Just sort of say “hmm okay” and let her rant? Say he’s a loser? Stick to practical advice (block him on Instagram) but don’t say anything else? Change the subject?

    This feels more serious than just supporting a friend who broke up with someone.

    2. When I was going through my divorce it was all I wanted to talk about — I think that’s natural. I made a deal with my friends that I could rant for, like, three minutes at a time and then we would change the subject. Might that work in your situation?

    3. I think this is a good situation to ask 1) do you want me to listen or 2) do you want me to provide feedback on what you are doing or should be doing?

      I know when I went through my divorce I really appreciated my friends that I could turn to and just rant/vent.

      Also, based on my personal experience, at some point, it’s helpful to tell the ex “all communication should go through the lawyers.” Another thing that helped me is that I had a 24 hour rule. This meant that I had to wait 24 hours to respond to my ex. After 24 hours, a lot of the initial emotional response was much more muted.

      Good luck to your friend. Getting divorced is awful, but being divorced is fantastic!

    4. You say ‘darling I love you but you need a therapist who can work with you on how to respond (or not) to his behavior’

      She needs to be on a parenting app and work with a therapist so it doesn’t drive her crazy.

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