Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Luxe Stretch Button-Detail Fit & Flare Dress

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1. There was a discussion a few weeks back about a college visit/seeing old professors. A student stuck around after class (final week) and handed me a thank you note and a chocolate! I’ve had some nice emails/verbal thanks but there was something really special about this 20-year-old kid writing a note about how much he enjoyed the class. So if you ever think about your old profs, reach out!

   1. My con law prof in law school once stopped me after class and told me that I made great points, but that the way I said them was often self-undermining – that I was using a lot of qualifying terms like, “I don’t know if this is relevant, but…” and “Maybe this doesn’t matter, but…”. He gently said that women were more likely to soften their points in that way, and that sometimes that was effective but that at least in his class, I shouldn’t feel like I needed to do that. It was okay to just say what I thought, without trying to make it more acceptable to other people.

      Life-changing advice. I wrote to him when I made partner and told him so, and got a lovely note back. I still think about that when I’m participating in big meetings, and make sure that my choices about that type of softening language are intentional and strategic, and I’m 15 years out of law school.

      Kenji Yoshino – brilliant scholar, and a fantastic teacher. Also highly recommend his book “Covering” (or his book on Shakespeare).

      1. I love everything about this story!

      2. My freshman writing class instructor gave me similar feedback about women like me dumbing ourselves down! I was using a lot of “it seems…”, “I think…”, “I feel like…” etc in speaking and writing. 22 years later, I vividly remember and follow her advice!

      3. My high school English teacher used to say “fences are uncomfortable, don’t sit on them”. I often think of that when I’m hedging my bets or otherwise not making a decision I could/should make.

      4. I am a fan of Kenji Yoshino’s teaching on Allyship!

      5. Kenji is the best. I’m sad that I never took a class with him but my friends who did all raved about him. Lucky you!

   2. So sweet!
      I am a lawyer and an excellent legal writer, which I largely attribute to massive amounts of grammar in high school and my first English comp professor in college, who both critiqued and praised my writing when I was an insecure freshman, 3 weeks out of high school with a graduating class of 11. Twenty+ years later, I looked him up, sent him an email to that effect and cited a couple of things that I distinctly remember from his class. He responded so warmly and was obviously grateful to hear from me. He showed it to his wife, who told him he should frame it. About 10 years ago, I tried to do something similar for a professor whose classes I had always loved, as I was then teaching my daughter what I’d learned in his class, only to find that he had died of cancer a year or so earlier. So, yeah, do it now.

   3. I second this.
      I kept every single handwritten note received from students over the past five years. And yes, I wept when I received the first one.

   4. I reached out to the prof who inspired me to undertake a huge lifestyle change and end up on my current career trajectory. He seemed happy to have influenced me in such a positive manner.

2. Does anyone have a Bowflex-type machine at home? I’m using 15-25 lb dumbbells for a lot of moves and not sure if this type of machine would be good for this intermediate stage of strength training. Have a set of adjustable weights up to 55lb but they’re big and clunky for a lot of moves.

   1. My husband had one. We didn’t have space for it when he moved in, and I’m the homeowner while he was renting, so he sold it. He really enjoyed using it, but it takes up a lot of space. Go for it if you can!

   2. Yep, we had one and he enjoyed it while he was into it. There are tons on FBMP.

   3. We had a Weider knock-off of the Bowflex and never used it because it was too big to leave unfolded and getting it set up and reconfigured between different movements took an annoyingly long amount of time.

3. Looking for “f it” attitude things! As I age, I take joy in learning what feels better. I’m 36 and add 1-2 per year. In the last two years I added:
   – Saying “no” to charity gala/lunch invites unless I genuinely care or am connected to the org or cause. I donate $50 and RSVP no without guilt.
   – Only wearing swim shorts. No longer worrying about cellulite, perfect/bump-free hair removal, people judging my body. I get tons of compliments and am amazed at how much more I want to swim or beach it.
   – Unsubscribing from email lists and junk mail lists with abandon.
   – Donating or re-gifting gifts that I know I won’t use- without waiting a year, trying to keep it in my home, etc.

   1. Not participating in holiday stuff that’s not enjoyable. It’s a holiday — not a moral imperative!

   2. +1 to unsubscribing from email lists. I’ll add, replying STOP to every unsolicited text!

   3. oh yes, I’m the same age as you and I love learning this attitude. Here’s a few –
      — similar to your first one, invitations are not summons. specifically, I personally find baby showers excruciatingly boring and I send a nicer gift and don’t go unless I actually really want to.
      — other’s expressing opinions do not mean I have to take action. I can intake information without the need to act on it or make a judgement or form a strong opinion on it.
      — I don’t leave reviews or do the dumb follow up surveys, ever.

      1. 100% agree to your second point.

         I have a science background, and early in my corporate career, I always felt the need to use tons of facts to try to convince someone who had voiced an opinion about some project, because “don’t you see, the facts mandate we do X!”
         My wonderful boss at the time gave me feedback that someone voicing an opinion is usually not meant as an attack against my technical expert self, and that I could just listen, embrace silence, and then ask clarifying questions.
         Mindblowing advice at the time, and implementing this advice has made me a valued colleague who others seek out when they need to diplomatically navigate the org.

   4. I started dying my hair myself. The time (and money) saved has been life changing. Between the drive to the salon to sitting inside on a gorgeous day to having to make small talk to the hustle and bustle and noise of the dryers—I don’t miss it a bit. I also think my hair doesn’t really look that different. If anything not having to have glaring roots while I wait for an appointment has made me look better.

      1. At home hair dye is a million times better than it was in the ’80s and ’90s.

      2. I also dropped salon color a few years back and I have no regrets. I had the same experience one really beautiful spring day – I was walking from my car into the salon and thought, I would much rather be outside today than sitting in the salon for 3 hours with foils on my head. I can do my home color in 30 minutes at night, when it’s convenient for me, and if anyone can tell that I’m doing my own color at home, they haven’t been rude enough to say anything to me about it. And being able to do it as often as I feel like I need to, without having to wait for an appointment is great. As is not having an expense that, for me, was around $300 (for cut, double-process color, and tip) every 8 weeks.

      3. OP and Anon at 10:31 – what product do you use to dye at home? Since you talk about foils, it sounds like you’re going blonde. I am dark-blonde and would like to be a bit lighter, but 100% agree on the cost in terms of time and inconvenience.

         1. I used to be lighter brown with blonde highlights. When I quit going to the salon, I went darker – close to my own natural color – and I use Schwarzkopf home color. I tried Madison Reed for awhile, but the gray coverage was not good – my grays would pop back out within a couple of weeks – and I didn’t feel like the results I got were worth the additional cost. I have also used John Frieda Foam Color and I liked that, but get better texture results with the Schwarzkopf.

         2. OP here–I wasn’t the one doing highlights each time. I was having touch-ups done every 5-6 weeks and highlights maybe once a year. These days, I just use Loreal Preference. My hair is naturally a dishwater blonde and I dye it a “light natural blonde” or “extra light natural blonde” shade depending on the season, touching up just the roots each time. If it starts to look brassy at all (crummy water at our house), I use a purple shampoo. Honestly, my stylist used to make my blonde very gold each time, which always felt kind of brassy/not enough ash, especially after the first week or two. I’m actually much happier with the tone since I’ve been doing it myself. My mom is usually my worst critic, and she actually complimented me on the color this summer. So I think I’m doing just as good, if not better, doing it myself. I haven’t tried home highlights since college more than 20 years ago. But I have a friend who will lightly add some herself and I always think her hair looks great (she also gets balayage at the salon every once in a blue moon though, so I’m not sure how much is her vs. the leftover salon).

      4. I moved to home dye during the pandemic, and once my highlights grew completely out, I stopped dyeing altogether. It turns out that at some point underneath all that color I grew a grey streak. Who knew? I love it.

      5. I always dyed my own hair until I went grey and it was harder to maintain the color. I still do the root touch-up myself every other salon visit.

   5. I’ll flip your “f it” on the swimwear. My bod has some jiggle but idgaf about putting a coverup on for beach walks anymore.

      Totally agree on unsubscribing. I am ruthless.

      Recently added: not buying a bunch of work clothes just for the sake of variety or having something new. I’m gradually updating some pieces but the days of feeling like wearing the same outfit 2-3x a month was “noticeable” are OVER. I credit that part to aging (no longer in the late 20s set who knew immediately if you’d shopped the latest Banana or JCrew drop) and part to realizing a great wardrobe of neutral building blocks makes mornings so much easier.

      1. Yeah I don’t shave down there, but I don’t want to wear shorts. I don’t care what people think.

         1. I wish I go could that far, but I have SO much hair there and it’s dark – it’s just too much for me because I don’t want something from a private area being that obvious. Swim shorts for me too.

            1. Same — I’m a pale brunette with a decent amount of body hair. Some days I care what people think, some days I don’t, but shorts take all the worry out of the equation. Plus, some swim shorts have pockets, like men’s trunks, which makes pool days with kids 1000% easier. (One more for the “men would never accept this crappy standard, why are women expected to?” file.)

            2. Same on the dark hair. The other plus I’ve noticed from swim shorts is not needing to worry about getting that skinny little line of sunburn where I didn’t get the sunblock all the way up to and under the edge of my swim bottoms. It’s so much easier to get the sunscreen around the top of my thigh than several inches higher up! And I get fewer wedgies.

            3. I’m also a very pale person with really thick dark the hair. The hair is definitely noticeable, I just don’t care.
               I shaved when I was younger (<30) but it started causing a lot of painful ingrown hairs some of which got infected, and I’m not going to sacrifice my health for someone else’s beauty standards.

      2. My parents live in Portugal and regular holidays have made me so much more confident on the beach. Everyone is in a bikini! No one cares!

   6. Oh I am all about this attitude! There’s a lot that I see discussed (here and in real life) and I’m like wow that concept never even crossed my mind.

      – I do not bake for work potlucks. If I have to bring something, I pick up something from the store or offer to bring paper products. I actually enjoy baking, but a) when it works for my schedule b) when it’s for people I love and c) since I started my career, I was determined to not be the woman who brings in baked goods. I also do not do office gift swaps or other holiday things. I actually really like some of my coworkers and am happy to grab a drink after work, but that’s about it.
      – Unless it is a health, life, or safety issue I do not work late or on weekends. I work in a line of work where things that are health, life, or safety issues do come up often enough that I can draw this boundary. Also, because we work on these issues, (many but not all) of my colleagues are able to recognize what’s important and must be dealt with now and what can wait til Monday. This might hold my career back a little, but I work to live (even though I”m quite passionate about my job).
      – I am a better cook than 90% of what I cook because I mostly cook for convenience. I meal prep breakfast and lunch on Sundays and then only eat dinners I can put together in less than 10 minutes during the week (I eat a lot of oatmeal for dinner…).
      – My cleaning routine is about 20 minutes a week. I was once told on this board that using the Roomba and then swiffering on Sundays doesn’t count as cleaning my floors, but I don’t care. My apartment is clean enough for me and I don’t want to spend more than 20-30 minutes deep cleaning.
      – I have a good group of friends and a very healthy social life and I am ruthless about turning down plans I don’t really care about in favor of hanging out with my friends. I turned down 2 happy hour invites for an alumni group and a volunteer thing I do last week and met up with friends instead.
      – +1 on donating or regifting gifts. I don’t want things in my apartment I don’t like or won’t use. I immediately return or donate.

      1. YES on not cooking or baking for office potlucks. I’m sorry, but I don’t have time to cook for my family and cook something completely different for my coworkers on a weeknight. I will pick something up and call it a day.

      2. I’ll second your second point – I don’t work late or on weekends.

         I don’t mind potlucks because I like baking, but I stopped helping to clean up the communal kitchen at work. Not my job. I put my own dishes away and that’s it.

      3. I love all of these!

         I finally let go of baking/cooking for office potlucks. Sorry, I just don’t care that much. For the last potluck, I bought a cheese/cracker tray at the grocery store and it was gone by the end of the lunch. Most people had brought stuff from the grocery store or a restaurant and I wondered why I ever cared about making something homemade for the office potluck.

         And I totally co-sign the “turning down events so I have time to be with my friends/family.” If a professional or work event is happening at the same time that my friends and I have tentative plans, I decline the professional/work event. Even if my plans with my friends don’t work out, I’m grateful to have a free evening. I have basically opted out of most evening events these days as they drain my energy and then I get to the weekend and feel exhausted. I want to have energy on the weekends to get outside, go out with my friends or husband, etc.

   7. One that feels really good for me is declining to work weekends for a certain senior partner who manages his schedule terribly. He’ll screw around all day during the entire work week and then piddle around Sunday and then ask for help on Sunday night. Nope! I’ve structured my workload so I almost never have to work from him and I take pleasure in saying I’m not available on the weekend if he asks. If others ask (once or twice a year for normal people in my industry), of course I help.

      1. Oh, and the other big one that has made a huge difference for me – I do not meal prep on the weekend. I tried to make that work for a few years because everyone else said it was so great, but it does not work for me to give up precious weekend time to chop things that I’m going to be sick of in three days. Simple weeknight meals instead, all the way!

   8. Since it’s the holidays, a few that come to mind:
      – I used to spend a ton of time and effort getting gift ideas for my kids to my ILs, especially my MIL. Links, wish lists, the whole bit, per her request. It was time-consuming and honestly made me really cranky to essentially do all the labor and thinking about budget/needs/wants, all so someone else can click “add to cart.” I have dialed it way back and will give her general categories of things. Or if there is something specific my kids have mentioned that I know we’re not buying, I’ll say so. But no building wish lists for anyone.
      – I mentioned this before, but I DIAL IT IN for the work potluck. I hate going, and even though I’m a good cook and baker, I get no joy out of sharing that with the masses. Also, I really don’t have the energy to be doing potluck food in the middle of a work week.
      – I love decorating the inside of my house for the holidays and spend my effort there. I don’t care about the outside much at all. I’ll put up a nice door hanger, a few lights, and call it a day.

      1. My in-laws send extensive, generic giftlists. This year’s highlight… a cordless phone in 2023. We just opted out of the whole thing.

      2. I didn’t understand for YEARS that in DH’s family, “Christmas hints” = a detailed wishlist.

         I get it – this way everyone gets what they want, and I know it makes my MIL feel good to buy presents (especially since she sucks at actual empathy/showing love/providing actual support – I SAID WHAT I SAID), but I still don’t love the approach. I have noticed when I go generic, it ends up with more questions/decisions my way, or the kids get an off-brand version of the thing I had in mind/they wanted….so now I just spend 1 hour MAX pulling it together and hit send.

         1. Oh yeah, that is definitely the downside. I like how you’ve allocated exactly one hour to the task and not a bit more.

         2. I crowdsourced my amazon wishlist here! No Ragrets.

            There is no alternative. It must be amazon, and I will absolutely be receiving gifts from my wishlist.

      3. We don’t decorate outside at all. Not even lights or a wreath. Freezing while we put them out and then freezing while we take them back in has never appealed to us so nothing goes outside. The inside is a completely different story, though. We have had people come by in December and be surprised that we celebrate Chrstmas because of the outside of our house.

   9. I do 99% of my shopping (groceries, clothes, random things I need) online, mostly from Amazon or Walmart +. I set up subscribe and save for as many products as I can (cleaning supplies, vitamins, toiletries, non-perishables). The less I have to think about this, the better I am.

      Most of my clothes come from Old Navy. I could spend more on clothes, but I don’t see the point for most things – why pay LOFT prices when it’s the same quality as ON? If my options were Sezane or ON, I would probably go with Sezane but that’s not really in my budget. Today I’m wearing a sweater, corduroys, and a coat that are all from Old Navy, earrings from Amazon, and $400 leather boots. My purse (I own one) was from Quince, which is a step up from the TJ Maxx purse I had before that. I’m actually quite into fashion, but I don’t need to spend $$$ to look good!

      On that note, my makeup is e.l.f, my skincare is Target brand or Sephora brand, and 90% of the time I let my hair air dry with a $10 product in it. My skincare and makeup routine is all of 5 minutes and (3 steps for skincare, 5-7 makeup products). I could probably look a little better if I learned how to contour or something, but that’s not something I’m interested in spending time or money on doing regularly.

      I work full time, run marathons, and have social plans ~5-6 nights a week so I am able to do this by keeping the rest of my life very streamlined. I have like 8 work outfits I rotate through, I meal prep on Sundays (and eat rotate through like 5 or 6 recipes for meal prep), I have a chore / cleaning rotation for my condo that’s pretty streamlined. I’m very much a Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS) person!

      1. +1 to all this (except the marathon lol). Simplicity all the way!

   10. I said “f it” to the 20 lbs of weight I gained over the past 3 years during IVF, pregnancy, and of course the pandemic. I am exercising and eating well, but I am not ashamed of my body. My mom is on my case about losing weight, and got me a Fitbit for Xmas 4 months after giving birth. My sister gives me unsolicited recommendations for shapewear (f it to shapewear too, btw). We took family pics, I wore a dress that made me feel great and the pics turned out awesome. Mom and sis looked great too, but they said they don’t like the way they look and barely want to look at the photos, which makes me sad.

       1. Not caring about my weight has been huge for me. I don’t see my body as positive or negative. I just don’t think about it.

       2. I’ve long held the belief that having a model’s body won’t improve my life. So what if I “could” lose “those last five pounds”? The misery wouldn’t be worth it. Count every calorie. No sweets. Freak the F out every Thanksgiving and Christmas. For what? No one is handing me a $10M modeling contract.

          1. Couldn’t agree more. It’s not worth it.

          2. It was easier to find clothes that I liked when I was size 12 so I really would like to lose 10 pounds as I have been size 14 since COVID. My ideal weight would put me at size 10 but I would have to starve myself to get that thin again at my age.

          3. Yesss!! Once I finally realized that hey – I don’t make my living off my looks, so it doesn’t matter if I look perfect all the time – my life got so much easier. I eat a healthy diet, I exercise, I keep my weight at a healthy level for me. I’m not going to obsess about not looking like Christie Brinkley because even if I lost 20 lbs – I STILL wouldn’t look like Christie Brinkley. I look like me, and that’s fine. Ditto with having perfect hair, make-up, clothes, etc. all the time. There are times when that counts and times when it doesn’t. I save my effort for the times when it counts.

       3. I am trying very hard to get here. I also gained 20 lbs during the pandemic and due to health issues that I have struggled hard to lose. My doctor acknowledges the gain was substantial for a short time but is not concerned about my health as long as I’m eating healthy (I am) and exercising (also yes). Blood pressure is great, cholesterol is fine. Does it really matter that I’m a little thicker? I have spent so much time feeling terrible about my body, and for what.

       4. Yep, I eat veggies (and a decent amount of cake) and exercise loads. I figure I’m fine…

   11. I host all the time (probably at least once a week) but I’m very much like this is my house in its current state, the food is often basic, and it is what it is.

       I never let a lack of perfection stand in the way of inviting people over. My friends like my company for me, not because my house is super organized or because I made something from scratch on a Tuesday.

       Even for parties, I make sure it’s clean enough (but why waste time deep cleaning if you only have to do it again the next day after the party!), the food is a little better but it’s still basic.

       1. I love this. To your point, I go to see people for their company not their house or food. I’d rather they dial it back so they can enjoy themselves and not stress.

   12. Going grey.

       Quitting my job.

       Reframing a friendship as “old friend “ from “close friend “

       1. I’m in the middle of that friend reframing – or maybe at the tail end. It hurts a lot less than it did a year ago!

   13. A timely one: I don’t agonize over gifts. I pick out something I think the person would like and that’s that. I don’t spend hours analyzing what would be the absolute best most perfect life changing gift that says I know them and love them and changes their whole life for the better. It sounds insane to write this out but my mom and brother put so much meaning into gifts it was exhausting. Sometimes it can just be a generous lovely thing that you hope someone likes. It’s not relationship defining.

       1. I’m the same way with gifts. Sometimes I just go with money in a card if I don’t have time to shop.

       2. Gifts are not relationship defining – you put that so well!

       3. My mom is the obsessive “every gift must be perfect” person and for a long time, I felt guilty because I want to just pick something that’s basically good – maybe not perfect, but enjoyable for the person – and be done with it. I finally realized that most people are not like my mom, and don’t expect people to obsessively and intricately plan out every gift. And also, that I just don’t care about making her happy any more (which was always an elusive target).

   14. I quit going to “networking events” and standing around making small talk with people and handing out my business card. My job does not depend on me building a book of business or doing any business development at all, but I was always encouraged by my bosses to “make connections” because “you never know where that will lead!” Where it lead, 95% of the time, was nowhere. I have had much better results getting professional opportunities (to speak on panels or give workshops/presentations, contribute articles, or do consultant work) from former coworkers I keep in touch with on LinkedIn, or have lunch or coffee with periodically. I know I am certainly not going to hire or refer some rando I met once at a networking event to others – but I will refer people I worked with directly, who were excellent colleagues. I think networking events are a waste of time and I gave myself permission to stop going to them; if you need permission to stop because you don’t get anything out of them – here it is! Just stop going. Build your network a different way.

   15. Most of mine are kid related
       – opting out of any preschool spirit days I don’t have stuff easily on hand for
       – organic and/or cooked from scratch meals on any regular basis
       – limiting screen time to only ‘educational’ programming
       – keeping every ‘art’ project my kids bring home

       1. I joke that I’m parenting like a 90s parent: I care less about screen time and sugar or processed foods than many other parents these days (but also, if the sun is up and it’s not raining my kids are mostly playing outside and we have 5 servings of fruit / veg + 2 glasses of milk a day), I definitely parent with a bit of benign neglect / figure it out yourself – want my kids to be independent and able to handle stuff themselves so I certainly don’t hover (whether it’s figuring out a new toy, an issue with a friend, or an issue with a teacher – I’m there to be a sounding board and offer advice but I won’t step in and fix the problem for them unless it’s serious).

          I’m also admittedly weird about screen time: I’m fine with TV shows (educational or not), but we don’t do YouTube, video games, or games on iPads/adults’ phones. We also don’t do screens when in the car, in line / waiting for things, or out at restaurants.

          Aside from swimming lessons (which I view to be a safety issue), we don’t do activities (dance, soccer, scouts, piano – whatever) until Kindergarten.

          1. Same with my kids and the tv! They actually end up getting bored and entertaining themselves after about 10 minutes.

             I honestly worry more about my kids developing mental health issues around foods than about them eating junk. Grandm has some pretty intense orthorexia so I really don’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

             1. My four year old nephew looked straight at my MIL/his grandma at the Thanksgiving table and said out of no where: “grandma, calories do not count today”

                I really like my in-laws but I am SO THANKFUL we are child free and I don’t have to parent around their grandparenting.

   16. These are all great. I just turned 40 so am REALLY running low on effs to give.

       1. “Good for her, not for me”/and realizing people aren’t doing anything AT me. This is for when it comes to all things – work, parenting, exercise, fun, travel – no one is doing anything AT me, and we all have our insecurities. I especially reflected on this over the weekend – one of my BFFs has a unicorn lean-out job where she works max 2 hours/day and is still paid her market value. She is always going on and on about how because she’s leaned out she can do XYZ with her kids/community/family, etc. It’s honestly awesome and I am thrilled for her. However, she seems to forget that most lean out jobs involve taking a pay cut, which many of us don’t want to do or cannot do. Years ago this would have really bothered me. Now, I just shrug and say, “good for her!”

       2. Prioritizing family/friends-like-family when it comes to events. We don’t do class birthday parties unless the kid actually really wants to go.

       3. Not overscheduling – life will ebb and flow naturally – I don’t need to sign up my young kids for ALL THE THINGS at ages 3 and 6 just because.

       4. I’m hybrid, and I love fashion, but I just don’t need that many clothes for work or fun. Agree with the posters that a set of work neutral outfits/shoes do the trick. I buy a lot of my stuff off Poshmark, and I LOVE ON. I find the latter actually lasts a long time for me.

       1. All my Old Navy clothes last a long time too.

   17. My intention (rather than a New Year’s resolution) in 2023 was to ask myself “why am I doing this?” when I realized I’d developed a habit for something or didn’t have joy for what I was doing.
       I said “f it” to HIIT, yoga, soul cycle, or bootcamp classes because I realized I hate these and make every excuse to not go, so I don’t exercise at all (vs Pilates reformer class, where there’s no competitive vibe, no loud music, and no jumping!!!)
       Also, f it to meal prep and f it to trying to buy my kids clothes second hand… so much time wasted running around and scouring consignment sales or secondhand stores and not saving hardly any money. Oh, and definitely an outlier here, but a big f it to any extensive holiday decorating – storing all that stuff stresses me out!

   18. I have a key chain that says kiss my a** in Irish, and that pretty much sums up what my life’s philosophy has been for the past 15 or so years. Some of the things I have fully embraced are:
       -embracing my sense of style and wearing what works without caring about what might be “trending” or “dated” at any given moment.
       -allowing myself to age and to look my age without apology or shame.
       -wearing the swimsuit I like. This one is huge for me because I was raised to feel shame about my body, so people can look away if they don’t like my cellulite or shaving bumps.

       1. I like the Pogues, too!

          1. Yes, but my keychain has nothing to do with them…it’s the actual phrase in Irish.

   19. I buy my underwear, bras, socks, etc. in large packs from Amazon (like 6 pairs of underwear for $10). It was a little trial and error, but I know what I like and it’s easy to just hit re-order when I need to. I also have lots of these things, so I can go a while without laundry, if needed. TBH I’ve never understood spending a lot of money on underwear (bras yes, underwear no).

   20. I don’t really do holidays. I’m sure this will change when I have kids, but for now I opt out of most holidays. I don’t decorate for any holiday, except for Christmas and my Christmas decoration is minimal (one string of lights, a reusable wreath, and a resuable tree that I don’t put ornaments on). The only holidays I really “celebrate” are Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Easter; I haven’t dressed up for Halloween or gone to a Halloween party since college and I live in a building with only one kid so I don’t need to get candy. My aunt and uncle have a pool and we go swim in their pool / grill on the 4th, but all that requires from me is hopping on a train to their house. I live in an apartment in the city and my family all lives in houses in the suburbs, so I show up (usually with a dish, but not always) for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter but I never host. I’m happy to go to other people’s Christmas parties, but I don’t host one (even though I love hosting). I follow a few family Christmas traditions because it makes my parents happy (and I’m already at their house for the holiday), but they’re low key. If it requires effort from me, I’m probably not doing it (aside from bringing a pie or something).

       I don’t even work in an industry where year-end is busy, I just don’t really care about holidays.

   21. For the past few years I have invited friends or family over for a weekend lunch or supper where I have purchased all of it or all of it but one thing I made. I love to cook! I love to cook for people I care about. But geez louise, just buying my meals has taken the stress out of entertaining and I am so much more willing to invite people in for a meal.

   22. My husband and I opted out of giving each other gifts for any occasion long ago. Some people find this odd, but having to think of one less gift for the holidays is great.

       1. My husband and I have been sending each other links for years. It’s fun at least for us to have things to open Christmas morning and I’m like “I can’t wait for my bracelet!” but there’s no mystery to it and I prefer it that way.

          We don’t gift for our anniversary either – we made that rule early on. We may or may not go out, but we acknowledge it in some way, even if just with a glass of wine. We are coming up on 24 years!

          1. My husband really, really wants to get me presents and I realized it was cruel not to help him out. I just tell him what I want. In recent years, I opt for concert or theatre tix instead of jewelry or a bag,.

   23. The biggie is that I don’t try to have much of a relationship with one of my siblings anymore. We didn’t have a fight. No one ever said “I am never speaking to you again.” But I’m over her drama and making everything about herself. As soon as I stopped giving it any attention, she moved on to other targets. Highly recommend!

       1. Same except there was an agreed parting of ways. It was exhausting dealing with my drama llama SIL. And there was a lot of stress and wasted effort trying to create some sort of bond with my never-close brother. Not dealing with them anymore has been more freeing than I admit IRL. But it’s like I can breathe during holidays again since I no longer have to stress about what “issue” with them will unfold. I no longer have to silently worry about how my husband and kid will be treated and if they’ll react. And I don’t have to listen to my mom endlessly complain about them anymore while she rolls over and continues to be stepped on time and again. It’s like the crazy train can keep going, but I’ve been lucky enough to exit at the station.

   24. Everyone has such good ones. A lot of mine I count as wellness-related. Whether it’s to help my mental health or a “system” for my ADHD… then there are others that are true F its.

       1. I go to bed whenever I need to. If I’m exhausted at 5 pm, I’ll scrap any plans I had (whether work, externally w/ friends, or at home) and go to bed after eating something (cereal is fine). If it’s 6 pm – fine.

       2. My friends all understand (and are similar) that my mental health, energy, whatever may mean that I cancel last minute. I try not to pull the lever often but it happens.

       3. I do not pressure myself to say yes to all of the professional social events. If I do say yes, I allow myself to make a game-time call if my body/brain can’t handle it. These are usually like firm holiday parties for outside counsel, etc.

       4. When I WFH, I do very minimal to “get ready”. Basically, roll out of bed, make sure I’m wearing something not too wrinkly up top, no makeup, hair back. That’s all I can muster. Related, even if I planned on being in the office one day, I allow myself to change that to a WFH day (unless v important in person meetings) if I “just can’t”.

       5. We are no longer going to subscribe to a farm share CSA. We wasted too many veggies. I love the concept. It just isn’t rational for us.

       6. If things are too hectic, I’m in a bad brain space, etc., I’m cool throwing recyclables in the garbage instead of rinsing/washing them and separating. Same with using paper products / single use utensils/plates.

       7. My biggest F it is related to how I show up at work. I am me. Sure, there may be times that I need to be a bit more reserved, rigid, whatever. Most of the time, though, I am 100% myself. This means I don’t come across as “a normal lawyer” (“I’m a cool lawyer” LOL). For my career, that’s OK. As long as I can command a room, respect, etc., I don’t think it matters. I’m in-house and this makes me more accessible to our non-legal staff and also allows for me to build true relationships with our Board who are all M/Billionaires. I treat them like “normal” people and it’s refreshing, I think.

       8. Cleaning. If it gets done, great. If it doesn’t, too bad. We’re not gross people and doing just basic stuff even if not regularly is fine.

       1. I’m all for F it for lessening the mental load but I’m not ok with ‘F you, environment’. That’s crappy behaviour.

          1. It is very ableist to prioritze recycling (a joke on most cities) over personal mental and physical health. Kc Davis (@domesticblisters) has great advice for people who are physically disabled or struggle with executive dysfunction and it is not very environmentally friendly. I am so grateful for her sound advice that ends the kind of shaming that anon at 1:58 is engaging in.

          2. The environmental benefit of recycling is pretty low for a lot of things that are in theory recyclable. There’s not much harm in occasionally tossing a tub of moldy hummus or using some paper plates. I actually think a focus on perfectly recycling/reducing waste at the individual level distracts from bigger impact choices, like voting and donating to candidates who support the environment or even cutting down on plane travel or meat or buying less stuff overall.

             Like, why call someone out for these really small things that help them in a pinch?

          3. Hope you’re ok whoever posted this. Regularly not showing up to stuff because you just can’t seems like a troubling sign and I’m worried you have way too much on your plate in another area of life you’re not mentioning.

             1. This was me, thank you. Work has been pretty overwhelming since I started this job earlier in the year. Also, I actually try not to schedule too many “things” to avoid this but it happens from time to time. I take meds/therapy. There are just days where I can’t.

          4. It’s crappy of companies to enjoy profits while shifting the burden of the environmental harm of wasteful product packaging to individuals and the tax paying public. It’s crappy that most of my recycling never gets recycled anyway. It’s crappy that there isn’t a better selection of single use disposables that are renewable and degradable. It’s crappy to reserve blame for the individual whose choices are so limited by the selfish, lazy profiteering choices made by others.

          5. Anon at 1:37 here: I’m not sure where I exactly said that. For bad mental health days, I prioritize my health. Using a paper plate or throwing the stack of cat food cans, from me not being able to get myself to do dishes/rinse them out, in the trash once in a while has absolutely no impact on the environment as compared to the companies that cause 99.99999% of the pollution. The majority of the time I’m miss save the environment recycler, food composting queen. We use biodegradable (and like, legit they degrade) trash bags.

             Nice judgment though. I’m sure you have a zero-waste home with solar and clean everything and no carbon emissions ever, right?

             1. Anon 9:52/1:37 here – That was directed at Anon at 1:58

   25. Unfollowing people on social media. I control my window on the world. I follow people I think are likely to be interesting. Once they’re not, or are so self obsessed, or focused on selling that their posts cause me irritation instead of interest, then I’m out.

4. Thrifty new worker here. I have a pair of tall leather flat-ish boots. I got to wear with dresses and under pants. They keep me warm. But I guess if I get a second pair, it should be shorter boots to wear under pants and keep the tall boots for skirts and dresses. Yes? I feel like I need visuals of good outfits but never thought to think of what is under people’s pants legs.

   I can’t figure out cropped pants footwear so just shelving those until spring. They were fun but my winter pants are all skinnies or baby boot cuts or full-leg or straight leg suiting separates.

   1. +1. Yes, you don’t want to get locked in to a single silhouette.

   2. Ankle boots are classic and go with everything.

      1. Jumping on that, has anyone bought any ankle boots recently they like and are comfortable? I need new ones. Leather, not too much of a heel, something classic/plain as I tend to keep boots a while.

         1. I’ve said this a few times over the years, but I love my Red Wing Harriets. I find them very comfortable (once they’re broken in), they do have a bit of a heel but I still find them comfortable for all day wear with lots of walking (I walk 1.5 miles each way to work and they’re fine to commute in, wear all day at work, walk to happy hour, and then walk home in 11 hours later). I think they’re a pretty classic, basic look.

            They’re real leather, they have a vibram sole for the winter slush/ice/snow, have a goodyear welt, and can be repaired.

            1. How about something with half of the heel height? My feet aren’t changing their happy place at this point in my life.

   3. Yes. Ankle boots are the way. If they’re under a pant leg, nobody knows how high the shaft is. I find it a bit constricting to wear tall boots under pants.

   4. Yes, get ankle boots. They go with so much and are likely more comfortable to wear under pants than higher boots. If you get a pair of ankle boots with a slightly higher shaft, you can wear them with cropped pants.

      1. What is a good example of this? I’m still seeing things that I guess they couldn’t sell fast enough back when skinny jeans went out.

   5. Sock boots, ankle height, work with cropped trousers and dresses with tights.

   6. If you get another pair of tall boots, you can get one with a knit calf that is fitted to your leg. That way you can wear it under most pants and you can also wear with skirts.

5. Looking for bike recommendations. I’m a casual triathlete (I train hard and compete against myself, but there’s no way I’m going to ever place at one!) looking for a new bike. I want a road bike in the $1,500-$2,000 range. I currently race on an old hand-me down Trek hybrid and it’s not cutting it, but I also am not serious enough about racing to get a $$$ road bike or a triathlon bike. I know this is considered cheap for a bike, but it’s what I can do right now. I’m happy to buy new or used, but I don’t know a ton about bikes so need advice.

   I usually do sprint tris, but I would like to try an Olympic distance this summer. I live in a city, so I ride ~2 miles on city streets before I get to the bike path I ride on (and the first ~5 miles of that path are crowded).

   1. where are you? if you happen to be in Philly (since your ride sounds like coming from across town to the central part of the Schuykill trail, lol) I got a good deal on a midrange bike from Frankinstien Bike Worx – that underground place on Spruce. The staff can come off as stuck up in that know-it-all hipster way (like, fixie obsessed) but they were selling off some older models at a discount.

      1. I am in Philly and I was describing my route to the SRT! I will check it out – I’ve passed that place a ton but never ventured in.

   2. Check out the store n+1 bikes. They are in Kentucky but they ship nationally and have amazing deals. I paid no sales tax or shipping for my mountain bike on top of 25% off. Looks like they have some Cannondale road bikes!

      1. This looks great, thanks!

   3. I can’t speak highly enough about Lynskey Ti (and late 90’s/early 00’s Litespeed). I have two that I purchased used and they are my forever bikes. My daily driver is a Lynskey, approximately 2012, touring bike that is the most comfortable bike I’ve ever ridden. Friends have their road and gravel bikes, some purchased 30 years ago and some new. They do a great job building bikes for smaller riders, in my experience. My road bike is an early 00’s Litespeed, Dura Ace 10 speed and so much fun (Also blingy without being completely obnoxious looking. In my opinion, the early 00’s were the high point of road bike design).
      If you’re interested in a project, late 90’s and early 00’s Ti frames are available for really cheap and build up wonderfully. The caveats are that you’d be building up a rim brake bike and you won’t be able to clear more than a 25mm tire. I personally don’t have a problem with either, but the current fashion is disc brakes and bigger tires. For what you’re talking about using a bike for, neither are necessary.
      For the bikes I mentioned, can find used in your price range with a bit of stalking ebay and local listings. New will be a bit above that, but Lynskey has a complete road or gravel bike available at $2625 that’s a nice build for what you’re after.

   4. That is, unfortunately, a pretty low price point for this type of bike. But it’s not impossible! I would try to figure out what bike you want (Reddit? Friends?) and then stalk Fb marketplace for a while. DH has bought and sold at least bikes on there, from mountain bikes to racing bikes to e bikes and been happy with all his purchases. You might wait til after the holidays and see if anyone has one they want to offload. Good luck!

      1. You existing tri community is likely a great source of used but awesome bikes and selling to a friend of a friend is likely to get you a better bike at a lower price. I’m the Ti bike lover above and my awesome bikes are the product of rich dudes buying the newest, greatest then selling me their immaculately kept bikes for, if not a steal, a very good price. Get the word out in your tri community that you’re looking for a new to you bike and one will almost certainly turn up.

   5. I would set aside a weekend day or two and visit at least 2 or 3 shops local shops to test ride some bikes. Everyone’s body is different, and what may be a great bike for someone else may be very uncomfortable/weird to use for you. I would strongly advise against buying a bike from the internet for this reason (plus you will have to wait/pay for a bike shop to put it together after it arrives).
      They’re small and may or may not have something for you, but I LOVE Fairmount Bikes. They are good people. Worth a visit if it’s not totally out of the way. They also sell used bikes.

6. I’m looking for winter running clothes recommendations, specifically socks and pants. I live somewhere with very cold winters. I don’t mind running in the cold if I have the right gear. I have some wool running socks, but they just cover my ankles. Do you have any taller, warm running socks recommendations?

   I have one pair of fleece lined running tights, but I need more running pants for winter. What do you wear when it’s very cold (brands, styles)?

   Thank you!

   1. I like Smartwool socks that are quarter length instead of ankle, but I don’t think you need to be too picky.

      The Athleta Rainier tights are good in the 30s and 40s, but when it’s REALLY cold, the Altitude pants work better (thicker fleece lining).

      1. +1 on both the Athleta recs. I use them for skiing and the Rainier are good for 20s-30s and Altitude for 20s-0s.

         1. +2 for the Altheta recs, although I run a little colder and was happy in the Altitudes on a windy 27 degree run this morning. I also have some Sugoi mid-zero tights I like for cool-cold runs. When it gets really cold, I add a layer of sport/wicking long underwear. Or, if Athleta has looser Altitude bottoms–they are polartec powerstretch fabric – I think they might be a bit warmer and better for layering since they trap more air than tights do.

            For socks, I have a few ancient pairs of Gap wool-blend socks I wear. I think any taller wool sock would be fine if they fit in your running shoes.

   2. Are your running pants full length or more of the 7/8th length style? If you have full length running pants, they should come down to the top of your socks. I’m 5’8 and mine hit the ankle.

   3. Just for clarity, when I wrote very cold, I’m talking about temperatures in the teens with wind or single digits with no wind.

      1. Aiii! I can’t run outside when it is that cold. The air and my lungs have a battle that I loose. I wish it weren’t so, but this kills my running, outside at least. I hate the indoor track, but I hear the treadmill more. I do hike a lot in cooler months and IDK why that is fine.

         1. Have you tried running with a gaiter over your mouth & nose? That buys me more time when the temps get cold enough to make breathing a pain.

            1. Can you recommend a gaiter? I’ve been looking for one! I found one that has a fleece lining but that might be too warm?

            2. Try something like this – https://www.backcountry.com/b/icebreaker-flexi-chute-neckware-ice004n
               I have a very thin one from SmartWool that works fairly well, although it’s a little tight. But I have a huge head.

      2. Hmm. You may need to wear leggings as a base layer and then find looser pants to wear over them, that are a bit more windproof. This is probably where your local running store will shine.

         I also give up on outdoor runs when it’s this cold! My lungs do not like it and I’ll cough for hours afterwards.

      3. I would try the Althleta Altitude pant (not tights) with another pair of tights or long underwear underneath. I have not had great luck with windproof tights but maybe you will do better; my thighs are apparently huge.

         1. I think you and the other commentator are right that layers are the way to go here. Thanks for the specific pants recommendation. I’ll also see what local running stores have. Yes, my thighs bear the brunt of cold wind. More surface area, I suppose!

      4. Recently I ran outside in a “feels like” temp of 13 and wasn’t cold with this gear:
         Athleta Altitude tights (these are definitely the best pants for these conditions; Nike fleece lined pants/joggers also are pretty good)
         Athleta Flurry Crew Neck Top (a little thicker than other tops)
         Brooks Zip-Up Sweatshirt (a few years old so they don’t make the style anymore)
         REI Flash Power Stretch Gloves (could layer with another lightweight pair of gloves, but these are warmer than Athleta’s warm gloves)
         Prana Ice Flow Balaclava (wore it around my neck, not over my face). This helps if you have a gaiter but have to adjust it a lot, because the gaiter is attached to the hat. I recently also purchased the Janji Stormrunner neck warmer but haven’t tested it yet.
         A thick beanie on top of the Balaclava
         Smartwool Performance Run Targeted Cushion Ankle Socks
         Regular Running Shoes

         The right gear really helps!!

   4. Smartwool socks are what we wear when skiing.

   5. I wear my summer hiking socks as winter running socks. They’re wool but not super heavy (I overheat when I run even when its in the 20s) but they come up to mid-calf.

      If you go for really warm wool socks, you may need a separate pair of winter running shoes as they’re likely thicker than summer running socks and your shoes may not fit with the bulkier sock.

      I find layers to be the key in the winter. I usually wear my regular running tights (for whatever reason, I cannot stand fleece on my skin), high socks, a long sleeve top, a fleece vest, earwarmers or a hat, and gloves. If it’s really cold, I might add another layer on top, or a pair of merino wool leggings under my running tights.

      For me, the key is covering my ears and fingers. If they’re cold, I am miserable.

   6. Tracksmith NDO tights, RunRabbit Defroster tights, and my secret weapon still going strong from 1996 high school cross country in Wisconsin are the Hind Drylete tights

   7. I’m an old, but I wear a pair of heavy duty sweatpants when running in temps below 30 degrees.

   8. Smart wool socks and tights. Usually REI has some good ones. I have a pair of smart wool tights with wind breaks on the front that I love for this weather. I do also have to wear underwear with them though, because unfortunately my tush still gets very cold!

7. Workplace gifting: I started a new job mid-October as director of a technical department. I have two solid line direct reports, one of whom has one direct report himself. I also have two dotted line direct reports.
   Do I get gifts for the solid line reports and the dotted line reports? Do I get a gift for my direct report’s direct report (grand-report?) also or just assume that my direct report is handling that?
   The team members include men and women with a wide age range whom I don’t know well since I just started this job, and they are spread out geographically across multiple locations with one of the dotted lines based in Canada. I don’t have access to home mailing addresses so the gift will probably be an eGift card to Amazon (Amazon Canada for the Canadian) but open to suggestions for other retailers in US and Canada.

   1. Find out what the workplace culture is.

      1. And what the relevant rules are. In my workplace, for example, cash and cash equivalents like gift cards are prohibited as employee gifts.

      2. +2

         I am forever grateful that my reporting area does NO personal gifts at all. It’s heavenly. Zero stress.

   2. I wouldn’t gift in this situation. I have never gotten holiday gifts from my bosses, and I’m super happy about that.

      1. +1. I’ve never worked somewhere where holiday gifts from bosses are the norms, and would feel super weird about getting a gift card from my boss. It’s the company’s job to show their appreciation for my work with a bonus.

   3. Definitely ask around to what the culture is here. I have mostly worked in government where a $5 Starbucks gift card from the direct boss + team wide pizza or coffee / donuts from the division director is the extent of gifting.

   4. In my experience, solid line only. But agree with finding out the culture

8. Is there a lawyer here who practices fair housing?

   I’m a tax lawyer, and this weekend I tried to negotiate a lease renewal for an immigrant family we’ve “adopted.” The manager at their apartment complex kept repeating that she wasn’t allowed to offer any discount whatsoever because doing so would violate fair housing laws because what she does for one she has to do for all.

   I’ve worked around state and federal policy for 20 years, though admittedly not housing policy, and this sounded like absolute crock to me. I’m guessing the slimy corporation has said no negotiating/discounts because it *could* be seen as discriminatory? Because asking for a better deal on rent is a tale as old as time, and there’s nothing inherently discriminatory about giving Person A a deal and not Person B – it’s just the potential optics if Person B is from a protected class. But a discount isn’t per se discriminatory, right?

   1. (To clarify, asking for a discount on the $750(!) rent increase for a tenant that had always paid on time.)

      1. JFC that rent increase is criminal.

      2. I mean, you need to probably make a persuasive pitch a bit up the food chain (like if they move out, LL will have to repaint / possibly recarpet and have some delays over the winter months trying to re-tenant that wipes out the increase). Maybe you can make a case to someone for doing good, but with luck you will find a live person who maybe has a bio you can read on the site or Linkedin to see if they have any religious or civic engagement and then lean on that hard but politely. Communities are stronger if poor people can live near their jobs and send their kids to good schools, especially if transportation is an issue.

      3. I don’t practice in this area at all, but some jurisdictions have caps on rent increases, or at least require landlords to give some extended notice if they’re going to increase more than X%. It’d be worthwhile to see if the city/county/state has anything like that.

         Word of caution: Remember that a LL can just not renew a lease. Be sure you know what kind of notice the LL has to give so the family knows how much time the law gives them to move out (in case the LL tells them something different). This happened to me when I pushed back on a rent increase that violated the applicable landlord tenant code. LL tried to increase my rent by 30% with 30 days notice; 60 days notice is required for increases over 20%. I thought they would just bump my increase down to 20%. NOPE they said on second thought we’re not renewing your lease so you have to be out at the end of the following month. Which was unfortunately totally legal. I’d always been a good tenant who paid on time and was quiet and respectful of neighbors, there was no reason to want me out other than money. They listed the apartment for even more than the 30% increase.

         1. This is terrible. Absolutely terrible.

            1. Yup… that’s our world.

   2. It’s about supply and demand. The landlord is only going to offer a discount if they don’t think someone else will take the apartment at full price.

   3. This isn’t a legal issue. She just doesn’t want to offer cheaper rent.

   4. You’re thinking like a lawyer, not a client. Whether or not the landlord could “win” (ie have a judge rule against the plaintiff and have that judgement upheld on appeal), the landlord has lost when a discrimination suit is filed. It’s expensive and time consuming to defend, and most of all, expensive. “These rules are applied equally to everyone regardless of circumstances” likely means fewer suits to be filed, and an easier/faster dismissal once they are filed.

      I will also advise you that many apartment buildings are managed by corporations. The person you’re talking to at the front office may not have that power, simply because company policy forbids it.

   5. This is probably an hourly employee doing what they are told and maybe scared that you are a tester or something. The person has no animus likely and the LL company probably gave people black and white rules to avoid problems vs causing them. Person likely has no discretion. Discretion lives higher up the food chain or the org chart.

   6. Not a housing attorney, but I agree that doesn’t sound right. I’ve negotiated my lease renewal rate before, as have most of my friends.

      1. It’s probably not a legalky accurate statement but it doesn’t matter — it’s a business decision not to negotiate or to tell employees not to cut deals.

         1. This. Also rental rules are very local, the angle to look at is whether the increase is permitted (and probably unless you’re in a very restrictive jurisdiction). The better move is to get out of a big commercially managed building and go with a smaller LL who isn’t only profit motivated and might prefer a stable, rent paying tenant.

   7. Not a legal opinion because housing is not my legal gig:

      I took a Fair Housing course last month due to being on the board at my building. The gist of it was see that absolutely everyone was treated the same, in every way. I thought the course was geared more towards apartments than condos. It said don’t let your super do favors for any resident, show all prospective renters exactly the same properties and quote them exactly the same rates, don’t do any favors with regard to parking, and so on.

      Common sense says that rents and rent increases ought to be negotiable, based largely on market demand, but if this company is running scared due to a past Fair Housing complaint against them they might be taking the most conservative approach to all this. But if you are asking them to do a favor for a family due to their immigrant status that may be triggering fair housing issues. My suggestion is to approach a different complex and simply identify the family as a good family who hit hard times and are in need. You don’t want to mention anything that can be associated with race, color, religion, sex, disability, familial status, or national origin, as these are the triggering categories. Additionally, some states may be more restrictive than the federal Fair Housing Act.

   8. State laws regulate rent increases. If you post the location on a future thread, you may get more applicable responses. Regardless, I would agree the answer is: Be Karen and ask for a manager at the apartment complex. This is exactly how your adopted family needs you.

   9. I don’t know about fair housing, but I’m an employment lawyer and hear all the time about how lots of things are illegal in my jurisdiction due to nondiscrimination or other laws. What’s mentioned is rarely prohibited by statute, it’s just easier to implement than permitting more nuanced choices. Perhaps lowers nuisance litigation risk, perhaps lowers the risk of actual discrimination, perhaps lower the risk of employees doing dumb things that will cause a headache.

9. Anyone else having a difficult time this holiday season? I normally enjoy the holidays but I have been going through some personal difficulties during the last few months. I thought I would really enjoy having a few days off at Thanksgiving but instead I found myself feeling really down even though I had a nice time with family and minimal stress (we do a potluck to make things easier and I didn’t host this year). Any commiseration or tips?

   1. Just wanted to say you aren’t alone. This Thanksgiving was tough (terminally ill MIL, mom with dementia, etc), and my heart is heavy these holidays.

   2. Completely miserable. I’m hanging on by a thread until Christmas and my son’s birthday are over, then divorcing the emotionally stunted man I married. (Funny – everyone around me and him thought he was so great and would be a wonderful husband. A friend of a friend met him in April and within a half hour said to my friend, “Your friend’s husband is an —hole.”)

      1. I’m so sorry. Why hang on until Christmas? The rest of your life starts every day when you wake up. Start the ball rolling today.

         1. It would probably ruin Christmas forever for the kid(s).

            1. Yep. He’s almost four and it will be the first Christmas he remembers.

            2. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to wait, but I’m also not convinced he’s going to remember this Christmas when he’s an adult. My kid is almost 6 and barely remembers last year.

      2. Ugh. I was you 20-plus years ago and I still remember how awful it was. Hang in there — better days are coming!

   3. Not alone. This year was tough – a completely unforeseen mental health crisis in a close family member, caregiving for another family member with dementia who just moved to assisted living, a miscarriage, the ongoing stress of the war in Ukraine (which affects my family for reasons I won’t get into here), and the mental challenges of taking COVID precautions for a high-risk condition when I so want COVID to be over. I thought Thanksgiving would feel more relaxing since most of those issues settled down a bit by fall, I didn’t have to balance work for a few days, and we stayed home, but I found myself crying on a bench in the park alone for no reason (and I rarely cry). Hang in there.

   4. Sorry. Double down on the exercise rest and healthy food. Get a sad lamp and just try not to put too much pressure on yourself.

   5. Me. My mom died a few months ago after a long-term illness. I miss her a dozen times every day. Halloween was really hard and Thanksgiving was tough. I just want to skip Christmas this year and so far have done so in that I haven’t done any decorating because we always did it together and I don’t want to see the memories in the boxes. Especially because my only remaining close family members are dudes who do not care about holidays. It’s lonely.

      1. I’m so sorry,
         I hear you.

         I am now the matriarch in my family, and still in perimenopause. All the rest are men…. not the most sensitive men….

         What has helped me is I buy my own Christmas presents, so I have something to look forward to!

         And a happy light helps too.

         I’m so sorry about your Mom.
         I hope you keep “talking” to her. It helps me a lot.

         1. Thank you for this post. Your comment about talking to her made me cry. Yes, I talk to her throughout the day, although that often makes me feel like I miss her even more.
            Great idea on buying your own Christmas present. I’ve thought about Christmas without any gifts, and it also feels so empty. The men don’t care about presents either, although I’m sure they would participate on gifts if I ask them to.
            Reminding myself that everyone grieves differently. Over and over.

            I’m sorry you’re in this boat too. Peri has to make it 10x worse. I’m not there yet. Sending hugs to you! I wish we could decorate and wrap presents together.

            1. Thinking of you, and thanks for your kind thoughts.

               I also enjoy at Christmas time continuing my Moms traditions.
               Even my grumpy brothers enjoy this.
               Her tree decorations. Her family recipes. Simple things.
               It helps.

               I promise you the talking to your Mom will help more and more over time.
               Now is hard and you will cry. Just cry. You need to.

               I also have a running word document where I right down favorite memories/thoughts of my Mom and Dad (they are both gone now…), and painful ones too. It is such a wonderful thing. You really forget things quickly, if you don’t make an effort to remember.

      2. The first Christmas after my mom died, I did just skip out on most of it. It was our holiday together and I didn’t want to do any of those things that year without her. I will say that has changed now that it’s nearly 4 years later, but give yourself grace to just skip what you want to skip.

   6. I’m having a difficult time because between inflation, cost of living, and rising costs of food, I just don’t have the money for gift giving the way I would like to.

      1. Feeling it too. I’m looking at getting a higher-paying job, but of course that is a whole new source of stress!

   7. Yes. And I’m actually doing okay right now, but it’s like a hangover from a few other holiday seasons in a row that did come at times that I was having a lot of personal difficulties and I think I’m associating the season with those feelings now. I’m trying to let go as much as possible and only do the things I really like, but it’s not easy because I also don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings and make their season tougher! I probably just need more emotional distance, but right now it feels really crappy.

   8. My college aged son is in the middle of a mental health crisis. It has been very very very tough. Hugs to all of us – we need them.

      1. This was me 4 years ago. I hope there is light and love on the other side, it’s a terrible thing to go through and it changed both me and him forever. Hugs.

      2. My 18 year old daughter is also struggling as she accepts a recent diagnosis of what will be a lifelong health issue (though not life threatening). But seeing her suffering has brought such sadness and pain despite my efforts to stay calm and steady. I know she will be ok but it is a deep pain, one if the worste I have felt and I have had my fair share over the years…

         1. It means a lot that you’re accepting the diagnosis with her along with the sadness and pain that comes with it. (I got a lifelong diagnosis at her age, and it was hard when loved ones chose to be in denial about it in various ways!)

      3. Thinking of you and your son.
         This is so very hard.

         NAMI’s local office and family support group helped me tremendously.
         I hope there is one near you.

   9. Nothing objectively terrible has happened to me recently, but there has been some stressful stuff in my life of late and I feel like I can’t muster up any enthusiasm about the holidays. Yay, I’m busy and get to spend a bunch of money and drive my kids all over the place while my husband pesters me to take more days off to…sit around the house watching him watch cooking shows?

      After many years and a lot of therapy, I give myself permission every year to only to the stuff I want to do AND not be that into Christmas.

   10. Yes. Hello from the poster who thought her husband was severely depressed but it turned out to be a bunch of cancerous tumors in his brain. I’m starting to wonder if part of aging is just being at least a bit sad all the time.

       1. That is so tough. I remember your story and I think of you – positive vibes from me to you.

       2. I had a beloved, wise psychoanalyst supervisor who once said in regard to aging, “I grieve a little bit every day.”

       3. How are you and your husband doing?

          What a nightmare.

          Life is just… very hard.
          Those who don’t think so haven’t lived it yet.
          Or are just incredibly lucky, and perhaps they don’t realize it yet.

   11. Hugs to you all. I’m doing ok this year, but haven’t always. Bring yourself comfort however you can: attend events, decline events, use a SAD light, get on anti depressants, go to therapy (or extra therapy), get a massage, wear all the cozy/comfy clothes, watch the trashy TV, read whatever you want (or read nothing!), use that fancy hand lotion/beauty product, eat whatever (goes nicely with the comfy clothes), buy yourself the splurge thing you want if it’s in budget, get the heck out of town, take the time off work, etc, etc, etc.

   12. Yes! I felt like the only one and I was struggling articulating it. I feel very down and melancholy and little silly things like my decor not quite coming together and looking the way I want, feeling like I’m on a really tight gift budget, and not quite looking forward to a traditional and typically super-fun holiday trip are feeling much more serious than perhaps they are.

       I will say I lost 2 jobs in a row in 2022/early 2023, I had to take a 40k paycut to get the job I have now, this is the first xmas with my sister in another state far away, and something just feels…off? I dunno! I’ve found a few things to enjoy but it’s like I’m already in that “dang, have to put away the decor that was keeping me sane and happy” space already. Like I look at the tree with lights and just feel so sad that it’s going to have to come down in a month.

       1. Leave it up! If the thought of taking it down makes you sad, why not just keep it up?

          1. Aw I’d love to, but all things considered, it feels a bit less special that way, and I do love the ritual of rediscovering the ornaments every year. I might use some string fairy lights in our faux decorative trees though as a compromise :)

10. Tips for giving notice when your boss is going to take it personally and it is objectively a bad time?

    1. Just keep it short and to the point. Also remember that you’re not responsible for another adult’s feelings as long as you’re acting reasonably. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to get a new job at any point and give professional notice.

       You will feel a huge weight off your shoulders when it’s done!!

    2. Rip the bandaid off and just do it. Act gracious and professional, and carry on with your duties for two weeks. I had a very immature boss at a small company who was so deeply offended by my resigning after 2.5 years, but at the end of my two weeks he complimented me on my professionalism after giving notice and wished me the best.

    3. Agreed with above! You just have to do it and you will feel so much better after. I scheduled time so I wouldn’t get brushed off. Have a two sentence script for the opening. If boss asks questions or gets upset, have a response like “I couldn’t pass up this opportunity” at the ready (focus on the new opportunity, not the current workplace) and repeat as necessary. My toxic boss surprised me with a collegial response.

       And as for a bad time – there will never be a good time. You have to do what’s best for you and your career – current company has no loyalty to you, and the company is not your coworkers, so don’t have unwarranted loyalty to it! (I had to repeat this to myself as I really liked many of my coworkers and felt like I was leaving them in the lurch. But I am still in contact with them and not with the toxic ones!)

       1. This, every word of it. There will never be a good time.

          1. Not the same as leaving a job, but I had to tell my boss I’d be on mat leave during our busiest quarter. Oh well!

    4. Just do it and enjoy it because you’ll be out of there soon.

    5. Flip the mindset – if your boss was giving notice, would he think about your feelings and appropriate timing? I did that when I left my old toxic job and the big answer was NOPE.

    6. What about when the boss is toxic but thinks they are great and self-aware?

       1. That’s exactly the situation I left. You just do it because you’re doing what’s best for YOU.

       2. Honestly I don’t think the advice changes here. Keep it short and professional and be prepared to say “it seems like the original thought of 2 weeks isn’t working for either of us, so today will be my last day.” if he gets ugly and aggressive or starts making your life miserable.

          Get your ducks in a row before giving notice–backups, emailing to yourself, log ins and print outs of key information (pay stubs, W-4, W-2, offer letter, proof of employment, health insurance information, etc etc) on the off chance that a toxic boss will “walk you out”.

          The toxic boss who think he’s great is often the *reason* people are leaving, right? So you can strongly but professionally hint about this in your exit interview, write a Glassdoor review once you’re safely ensconced in the new role, and the best revenge: moving on and not giving Toxic Tim another thought!

    7. If your boss isn’t going to be a reasonable person, neither do you need to be a particularly reasonable person.

       Send resignation email on friday, specify a time to meet on monday to discuss, and turn off phone during hte weekend. Before meeting on monday, clean out your desk, copy contact lists etc and be ready if you need to immediately leave.

    8. I’ve been the boss in the bad time of year situation. I didn’t take it personally because I knew the whole company was a SHTSHO and I was also one foot out the door, but I was bummed about how much it was going to put on everyone else’s plates. Just keep that in mind and don’t gloat to your coworkers!

    9. Just remember your only job is to convey the information that you’re leaving — not to have your boss be happy about it.

11. I need help with planning a week-long trip to London mid-January. Kid (8) and I tag along with husband who will attend a conference.

    I need recommendations:
    – apartments/AirBnB/VRBO, centrally located
    – museums
    – walking tours (could be guided)
    – parks
    – restaurants that offer take-out – we like all kinds of food and are adventurous, Indian would obviously be really great. One consideration is that kid and I are immunocompromised so no indoor dining for us unfortunately.

    If things are kid-friendly, that’s always a plus, but not an absolute necessity, since kid is a seasoned city traveller.

    I know January will probably be fairly miserable weather-wise, but we’re determined to have a good time no matter the weather (we’re from the Midwest so fairly resilient regarding cold at least).

    1. Strongly encourage a hotel! AirBnB drives actual residents out of town.

       Victoria and Albert, Museum of Natural History, British Museum, do the Harry Potter studios, Transit Museum

       1. the HP tours require serious advance booking so lock that in now if you want to do it!

          also consider the Prime Meridian and I think there’s an old ship you can tour in that area, the Tower of London (mostly outdoors w/ the all-ages-friendly Beefeater tours).

          1. Not into Harry Potter, so that is not a requirement.

             Tower sounds interesting – we’re masking indoors 100% so definitely not everything has to be outdoors…

       2. Yes we are aware that short-term rentals drive residents out. With a family of 3, some hotels are priced much higher though, and being able to prepare meals ourselves would be very helpful given our health concerns.

          1. Look at Staybridge hotel at Vauxhall – kitchen in every room.
             No good if kid is allergic to pets, though.

             Same for The Resident in Soho, mini kitchen in room.

             Deliveroo for the food, you can get most things (UK door dash).

    2. I always use One Fine Stay for apartments in London. Also put Sir John Soane’s museum on your list.

    3. What’s your reason for an Airbnb vs hotel?

       1. We need to be able to prepare some meals ourselves since indoor dining is out. It’s is just easier to have a breakfast “at home” before heading out for the day, instead of getting everything as takeout.

          1. I’m not familiar with London specifically, and I know in general Covid precautions are going away, but as recently as this past summer hotels in Iceland and Italy let us eat the included breakfast in our room rather than the dining room when we told them we were Covid cautious. So it might be worth looking into that option.

    4. There’s loads of serviced apartments in London, which would serve OP’s needs better, and would be much better value than hotels around here.

       “Centrally” located is a vague concept for London. The business centre (City) is not that close to West London, where most of the museums are and where the tourists like to go. Suggest staying somewhere conveniently located to your husband’s conference venue, assuming it is within Zone 1 on the Tube.

       Restaurant recommendations would very much depend on the area you are staying in (particularly for the more casual places that would offer takeaways, which smarter places generally don’t). Suggest using Deliveroo for ordering takeaway to your apartment. Dishoom is a popular Indian chain and is on Deliveroo.

       1. My husband’s conference venue is near Embankment/Temple tube stations. I’ve been looking at the general area of Covent Garden and further north (Holborn, Leicester Square etc).

    5. I went with my nephews who were more or less that age and they loved: the Natural History Museum, the Science Museum, getting around in an old double-decker bus (no. 35), seeing the guards still at the entrance to the Palace of Buckingham, Hyde park and playing with the squirrels and going for tea and pastries (??? yes, I would never imagine it in advance)
       Other things you can do is the Tower of London and go to Hamleys toy store and the M&M’S store in Picadilly circus.
       Pret a manger is a great place to grab delicious sandwichs for take away but any supermarket as Marks & Spencer’s or Waitrose have a lot of take away food.
       The museums I said have a lot of activities for children and sometimes they do evenings specials for them, maybe you could check their program.

    6. The Winston Churchill War Rooms was amazing and the web site says it’s suitable for ages 7 and up.

    7. Oops used a bad word. Trying again: The Winston Churchill War Rooms was amazing and they say they’re suitable for ages 7 and up.

12. How do you motivate yourself to just, like, do the work? I am a 3L and, moving into exam season, just not feeling motivated to study as much as I should. I have a job lined up but I still want to do well. I just don’t feel like doing anything!

    1. Future you will be glad you did, some jobs will care about your GPA for a while, you might want to pivot to a clerkship, etc.

    2. Ah yes, 3L, where they bore you to death…

       Congrats on having a job lined up after graduation! Just a reminder that unlike other fields, your law school GPA will follow you throughout your career. When you apply to legal jobs years from now they will almost always ask you for your transcript, even if you have work experience.

       1. the GPA thing has not been my experience at all, fwiw.

          OP, I well remember that mood. I let myself have a weekend of pure procrastination – I cleaned the apartment, caught up on all my laundry, did a little xmas decorating – in other words the stuff that I would use as excuses not to study later… and then buckled down.

    3. I remember my BFFs creating study schedules when they were in law school. I would schedule your study time along with breaks, real free time, and rewards.

    4. In law school, I used to go to a coffee shop, with my books, and sit down, and just say I couldn’t leave until the work was done. I’d often be there for 10-11 hours. Getting away from the comfort of my apartment helped a lot.

    5. Adderall.

       I’m not being flippant. I have inattentive type ADD and all the usual tricks people have don’t work for me.

    6. This is the hardest time of the year, I remember. If you can just plow through the next couple weeks, then you can take a real rest at the end of the semester. Finish strong!

13. Tips for remembering in the moment to heavily filter all comments/not comment at all during meetings where it is not safe to comment because anything said will be misconstrued?

    It’s not forever, but I do need to be in the meetings for now.

    1. Do you have to pay close attention? Are the meetings in person? I would try to occupy my mind somewhere else so I don’t feel as invested in what’s going on in the meeting. If you don’t care about my opinion then why should I care about yours.

    2. Is it in person or virtual? If its over Skype etc I would put yourself on mute before you start. Can you be camera off?

       1. Mute is a good idea because the act of having to mouse over to unmute might be a good reminder.

    3. Prioritize mentally making your grocery list during the meeting. Stare thoughtfully at the speaker, then jot down “broccoli”.

    4. This sounds very odd, but I literally cover my mouth discreetly. I prop my chin in my hand and lightly touch a finger to my lips (typically my index, covering them vertically or lightly pressing the upper lip/filtrem). It looks like I’m just thinking or listening (and I am!) but it’s a really great, easy reminder “don’t open your mouth!”

       1. I do this exact same thing!

14. My 11 year old wants to wash her face. I prefer bar soaps myself to TRY to limit excess plastic. Is Dove mild enough for her baby skin? And other recommendations for super mild bar soaps?

    1. Dove is not okay for the face. Find a soap maker that does gentle bars, personally I use the soap works since they’re readily available in Canada.

    2. Dove or Ivory should be fine but they can leave behind a waxy film. If she has issues look for a clear/see through bar.

    3. I’d try the Cetaphil bar soap. I use Dove in the shower, but wouldn’t on my face

       1. +1

          This.

    4. I use Mrs. Myer’s Clean Day bar soaps. They are very gentle and come wrapped in paper, not plastic. There’s a few scents, I like the one called Rainwater, but your daughter might like one with a scent.

       But Dove could also be a good choice.

    5. I like the Drunk Elephant pekee bar soap for my face. It’s pricey but one bar easily lasts me a year.

    6. Neutrogena bar soap? J&J Purpose bar soap?

       1. Purpose is what I used at her age (in the 80s), on recommendation from the doc.

    7. Baby skin? She’s 11. Depending on where she is developmentally, she might need something stronger than soap.

       1. She’s just turned 11 and developmentally her skin is as smooth and unblemished as her 8 year old sister’s.

    8. I love Vanicream facial cleanser. It is super gentle.

    9. The Body Shop has some really nice facial cleansing bars. I find their stuff very gentle and the company does make an effort to limit plastic.

    10. My 10 y/o uses Cereve but it’s in a container. I do know it comes in a bar though, as does Cetaphil.

    11. I’ve used DHC mild soap on my face for years. I wish the packaging didn’t use any plastic, but it’s minimal and the soap lasts a long time provided you keep it on a holder that allows the bar to drain.

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