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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Margot Textured Kick-Flare Cropped Pants

A woman wearing mustard long sleeve top and dark green cropped flare pants and cream shoes

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Cropped pants in the winter aren’t for everyone, but these deep-green kick flare pants from Maeve might make you a convert if you aren’t on board already.

As a short-legged gal, most “cropped” pants are more like ankle-length pants for me, so I usually just tough it out during the winter months and pair them with loafers or flats. (It helps that I commute by car and am outside for roughly two mins.)

If you prefer a little more coverage, I like the way that Anthropologie has styled a different pair with ankle boots that hit right at the bottom of the pant. Either way, the pants are fabulous and would look great paired with any neutral or jewel tone hanging in your closet.

The pants are $98 at Anthropologie and come in sizes XXS-XL. They also come in six other colors, some of which come in petite, tall, and plus sizes. 

As of 2024, some of our favorite general boots for work outfits include the ones below…

black suede ankle boot with thin block heel
J.Crew
City Boot from Everlane - sleek but walkable
Everlane
Piper Boots from J.Crew - sleek but walkable
Sam Edelman
suede kitten heel booties
Marc Fisher LTD

Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):

312 Comments

  1. I bought a pair of maeve’s this summer and i adored them but they washed really poorly and are impossible to press. not sure if this is true of all their fabrics but i was dissapointed.

      1. I will have to put the label said they could be washed and i don’t usually dry clean chinos….

        1. I’m so annoyed at the rise of ‘dry clean only’ instructions for fabrics that shouldn’t need it and only seem designed to hide how poorly the fabric holds up. Sub-$100 pants should not need more babying than washing on delicate/hanging to dry.

          2. in this particular instance the label does not say dry clean. it says wash gentle and hang and now i have a wrinkled mess that even with ironing won’t come out

          3. People buying sub-$100 pants usually are not interested in quality or longevity of their clothes. Fast fashion is often dry clean only.

          4. Eyeroll at 9:50 Anon. I’ve never bought a pair of $100 pants and I definitely care about the longevity of my clothes. I wash on delicate, hang dry, shop sales for better fabrics, etc.

          5. 9:50, that comment about budget vs. desire for clothing that can last a decent amount of time with proper care, is one of the snottier comments I’ve seen lately, and that’s saying a lot.

          6. I have never spent more than $100 on a pair of pants precisely because I cannot afford to, so I assure you I have great interest in my clothes lasting for a while. And the notion that you can’t find durable pants under $100 is frankly ludicrous.

          7. I am also someone who can’t afford to spend more than $100 on a pair of pants and it’s pretty insulting to say that I don’t care about my clothes.

        2. Well I also dey clean jeans so, ymmv. I don’t think pants ever come out looking good in the wash.

          1. dry cleaning doesn’t really “clean” your clothes. it makes them look polished and fresher but doesn’t help with smell….

    2. I have a ponte pair of Collettes that are my favorite pair of pants and linen pair of Collettes. I wash them both as often as I wash other pants and don’t dry them and they’ve held up quite well.

    3. I have a lot of Maeve Collettes in both the linen blend and the Ponte fabric. The fabric is inconsistent — some of the linen/cotton blends are workhorses (machine wash cold, line dry for all of them) but there is one pair in a kind of spice color that is a wrinkled mess as the other poster said. The Ponte ones are also inconsistent — the olive ones didn’t wash well over time, and the black ones had a tendency to shrink a bit. That being said, the good linen/cotton ones and the black pontes have been absolute workhorses for me — the black pontes have taken me around the world for two years in professional contexts and I have a deep deep love for them!

  2. Snow day for my kids today! I’m thankful we didn’t have to drive (and I work from home).

    1. snow day for us too — I honestly can’t imagine how this worked when white collar people had to be in the office all the time. did parents have to take a sick day to stay home with their kids?

      1. I used to have to take a vacation day or get special permission to WFH just for the day.

      2. Pre-Covid, my lawyer job followed the Court’s snow day policy, so if court was closed then we were too. This mostly followed the school snow day closure as well, but not always (probably because the school was slightly more cautious.) I would typically have to take a vacation day.

  3. TW: diet talk

    Does anyone have strategies for not gaining weight over the holidays? I am eating a lot of bread and cheese these days and it’s going to catch up to me very soon.

    1. Moderation. If you love bread and cheese, indulge and savor really good bread and cheese. Skip the okay stuff. Eat lots of lean protein and fruits/veggies when you aren’t indulging. Exercise regularly.

      My equivalent is burgers. I skip fast food and okay burgers, but really savor an excellent burger every couple of weeks. Most of the time I’m eating fish and poultry on salads or with veggies, so my yummy burger really hits hard when I eat it.

    2. – Exercise a bit more than usual. Even some extra walks every week will help.
      – If a holiday treat is mid, you don’t need to finish it. Enjoy the heck out of the things you LOVE.
      – It’s hard during a busy season, but make sure you’re regularly eating nutritious meals, cut back on getting takeout for random meals, etc.

    3. Some fun fitness goal? For me it’s marathon training, especially because I live in the south and I prefer to not run outside a lot in the summer

      1. I’m so jealous. I’m craving an outdoor run but it’s less than 20 degrees outside.

        1. Another southerner. And we are jealous when you have nice mornings in the summers but our overnight lows are 80-90 and humid. Summer running in the south is miserable.

    4. I need to work on taking my own advice, but being choosy about my treats. Like the giant chocolate tower from a firm is fun but nothing I really love or look forward to so it should be skipped. Should be…

      1. Yeah, my thing is I don’t eat anything unless I absolutely love it. I can’t be bothered wasting calories on mediocre “treats.”

    5. I committed to a year of sugar and flour free. I identify as being addicted to those foods and cannot eat them in moderation. I started before the holidays because it’s a particularly difficult time for me. I find the stress of deciding how much to eat (and obsessing over it) worse than just not eating those foods at all.

      1. How strict do you plan to be with this? Flour is in so much stuff beyond crackers and baked goods! stew, gravy, breading for meat. I assume you mean added sugar, not like…fruit. but still. I hope this works for you, but it sounds incredibly restrictive!

        1. Honestly, it’s the spirit that is important. If you are being ultra restrictive as you suggest, that is a unpleasant (and often unnecessary) road for most people. These guidelines are not followed literally by most people who follow them all the time. It’s just a lifestyle switch and some people do it more abruptly than others.

    6. -only home baked treats (this one helps me the most)
      -double down on fruit and veggie intake
      -dinners out, eat 1/2 of what is presented and take the rest home/discard
      -buffets or potlucks, fill plate 1x. period. skip nibbling.
      -if possible keep the treat intake to the actual holiday/gathering
      -steal my line……… Oh! I just ate and will have it later or upcoming weekend

      1. YES to only home-baked treats. The rest are usually not worth it. Fortunately, or unfortunately, my family has excellent home bakers so it’s hard to turn things down!

        1. This is my way, too. I eat my homemade sourdough and the baked treats my neighbors exchange, and skip the tins of shortbread cookies.

    7. Depriving yourself around the holidays is hopeless. I find it’s better to add healthy habits than tell myself to avoid cookies. Drink lots of water, include lean protein in every meal, make sure all meals and snacks involve produce. If you’re filled up with healthier food you’re less likely to mindlessly eat treats. My one limit is the number of days I can drink alcohol because that leads to poor eating. Force yourself to go for a walk outside, even if it’s cold and dark.

    8. To head off feeling like cr@p all month, I treat Dec. 1 the way most people treat Jan. 1. I give myself a weekly work out goal that is attainable (X sit ups and push ups a day; run or do a 10 min work out video X times per week), then I only drink at social events (no alcohol in the house) that I cannot miss during the month of December, until Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Egg nog (without alcohol in a Christmas glass) at night helps me feel like I’m drinking something cozy and festive. And I can’t drink too much, so it moderates itself. I commit to eating three meals a day, which also makes me drink less at social events, and I drink water or tea all day.

      I end up going into Jan. 1 feeling strong and healthy, and since everyone else jumps into healthier habits around me, I end up with two solid months of taking better care of myself.

      1. Adding that I don’t really deprive myself of treats at night bc hearty winter foods and treats are my absolute favorite, but if I go into a dinner having had a full breakfast with protein (hard boiled eggs with toast or oatmeal with greek yogurt) and a filling lunch (a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread with mustard, a little mayo and lettuce + carrots and ranch), I’ll eat a full dinner and dessert, but won’t go overboard bc I’m not starving by dinner.

    9. This might cause a bit of a stir, but I’m currently testing a continuous glucose monitor—even though I’m not diabetic or prediabetic. It’s the Stelo CGM, designed for people without diabetes, so don’t come at me!

      That said, it’s been an eye-opener. I’ve noticed it makes me more selective about when and how I indulge in treats. For example, standalone sugar or carbs can spike my blood sugar significantly, but balancing them with fiber and protein helps smooth things out. The Glucose Goddess is trendy right now, and while her tips are everywhere, my understanding is that many are pretty standard and widely supported.

      Overall, it’s been helpful! It’s kept me from snacking on the gift basket or grabbing that late-night cookie well after dinner.

      1. My daughter has type 1 diabetes and I’ve noticed that over the years, my desire to have sweets has gone way down just because I instinctively, almost subconsciously picture what the CGM graph would look like if she were eating the fudge, or drinking the soda, or whatever. Even though I’ve never tracked my own blood sugar and am not diabetic, there is something about the immediacy of the CGM feedback (even secondhand) that really brings home the effects of sugar.

    10. I get fluffier during the winter, I have accepted it into my heart and feel it’s likely healthier than the alternative. It also feels right because I prefer to eat seasonally, so there’s never as many good fruits and vegetables around, but baked goods and meats are seasonal for winter and the holidays. Once spring rolls around I love eating more fresh veg and getting out and exercising more, so it comes off without conscious effort. This advice only relevant if you live somewhere where winter is cold and snowy. Otherwise, eating seasonally might be a good solution to abiding the holiday pounds.

    11. My strategy around eating out in general is to try to limit to occasions with friends instead of just every time I’m tired. I love the holidays and holiday food so I do indulge those things because I’m not going to have them every month. But, I also balance by making more vegetable soups or easy roasted veggie with chicken or fish sheet pan dinners so I’m not just eating rich food.

      I also love desserts and over time have found a smaller portion worked versus giving things up. I don’t do well with just removing things from my diet.

    12. Try to indulge in treats when you’re not hungry.

      So, say I’m going somewhere later to eat or I’ve got treats for later, I will eat something high in protein and fiber now, so I’m not ravenous and overeat on items that are tasty but high in fats, sugar, and salt later.

    14. In terms of things I bring into the house, my husband and I tend not to buy things I can’t resist. He’s better at having just one or two than I am. So he just bought a package of Pepperidge Farms eggnog flavored cookies, and peppermint flavored oreo type cookies. I can’t stand either of those flavors so they’re safe from me.

      If we bought raspberry jam cookies from Pepperidge farms or regular Oreos, I would have a harder time resisting them, so we just don’t add them to the joint shopping cart. Not related to holidays, but I also can’t keep potato chips on hand for the same reason. My life is fine without them in my house, or only occasionally having them when we go out to eat.

  4. I am in a workout rut. Running is just not doing it for me these days. I like how I feel afterward, but I find myself dreading it or putting it off, which means I end up skipping a workout altogether.

    I don’t think I’m going to get out of this funk unless I have something truly enjoyable to do. What are your favorite fun workouts? I have access to a spinning bike, a treadmill, and free weights at home. Willing to try group exercise, though it’s never been my cup of tea.

    1. i’m a social person so i don’t think i would find anything i do at home alone “fun.” I would suggest something social– like tennis is great or an adult dance class (not my thing but i worked with a 65 yo special education teacher who swore by pole dancing)… depending on what your into a running group or a biking group…. i do like group classes. another plug for orangetheory….

      1. Seconding this. I am much more motivated if I do group classes at a studio that also has a really nice community feel. If I can’t go for a while for some reason, it still motivates me to do similar workouts on my own because I still want to be doing well when I come back.

      2. Thirding. When I’m in a workout funk, the only thing that keeps me going is signing up for a group exercise class that will charge me money if I late-cancel. Currently doing solidcore but I’ve enjoyed barre and HIIT in the past.

        If you’d prefer to stick with at-home workouts, I’d just try various folks on YouTube. I like Madfit for HIIT or weights, Move with Nicole for mat Pilates, Yoga with Adriene for more mellow yoga (she also has some goofy and unserious practices, which I appreciate), and the yoga videos on the Lululemon channel if I want to work up more of a sweat.

        Also, it’s just tough get excited about running this time of year.

    2. I like doing workout videos at home. I use Fitness Blender and usually follow one of their programs. I like that I don’t have to think about or plan what to do each day. I don’t like working out in front of people so I like being able to do the videos at home.

    3. Let me put a plug in for pilates, which I’ve been doing for 10+ years, and it never gets old, or boring, or repetitive – if you find the right instructor. I was just telling a friend that the longer you do pilates, the harder it gets, because you find yourself getting deeper and deeper into it. I also can’t think about anything else when I am doing pilates, because it really requires a mind body connection. Truly a lifelong practice and one I hope to continue til the end. Off my soapbox now.

      2. I’m considering it but so scared. I went to a barre class once and it was just really subtle but painful movements and zero endorphin rush. Is it like that? I’ve put all these fancy studios in the same bucket in my mind. I usually do weights and run but I’m trying to make friends.

        1. I think it’s possible you just went to a bad class and may want to try some different ones and see if there are any that you enjoy more. Obviously barre is not for everyone and I’m coming from the bias of someone who loves it – but I’ve been to some that were exactly like you describe, and also many that felt wonderful. I’m sure the same is true of pilates.

        2. Pilates is not going to cause an endorphin rush. The movements are methodical and controlled. It’s more meditative.

        3. Subtle but painful movements is kind of what Pilates is all about. It’s not cardio, though, and it seems like that is what you’re after.

          1. Thanks that sounds like exactly what I can’t handle! I’m fine lifting weights but I like the feeling of moving heavy things then resting. I hate the tiny painful muscle movements.

    4. for me it’s less about what I’m physically doing and more how I distract myself while I’m doing it – so binging a show while doing a fast uphill treadmill walk passes the time!

      1. I do this too – I can scroll through as much Instagram as I want as long as I’m on the treadmill.

      1. Me too – I love a dark, hot studio where I sweat a ton. Really good for my mental health, in addition to the physical benefits.

    6. I agree with others that social workouts are best when I’m feeling unmotivated, but for solo ideas: I have been into weight training recently. I think I find it satisfying because I follow a strength-building plan, keep a training log, and can clearly see progress.

      Also lap swimming if the zen endurance aspect is what you liked about running. I love swimming, the silence is such a nice break and it can be either meditative or a super intense workout depending on your mood that day.

      1. Ah, that’s a good point about swimming. Yes, I love the zen aspect of running, so perhaps that would be a good fit for me.

    7. I really like Orange Theory even though I’m generally not a fan of group exercise. They’re having a sale on class packs right now.

      1. I have a couple of friends who swear by it. I know I should give it a shot; I’m just really … intimidated as someone who is active but not necessarily athletic.

        1. plug 2 for orangetheory. you really do work at your own speed/ pace. it’s not intimidating in that way at all. Also, as with everything, some coaches are better than others but the betters ones really do come around and correct you and adjust you….

        2. One of the things I love about Orange Theory is how accessible it feels. I have always been super athletic but many folks in class aren’t. There are people who are pretty new to working out and also older. The clientele really runs the gamut, which I like.

          1. Interesting. Do they work around known limitations? For instance, I have osteoarthritis in one of my shoulders (I’m a bit young for it but here we are, bone on bone) and I would have to be careful not to do any sort of weight machine that aggravated it, nor could I do overhead or behind the back (like clasping a bra) type motions.

        4. I got put off group exercise classes when I used to do Barre and every other woman in the class was in her early twenties and a size 2. It was such a judgy environment. I like the idea of OT, but I would have to walk instead of run – do you get judged for that?

          1. I’m one of that yay group exercise posters above, and I consciously look for classes that skew older and a bit more diverse in size. And that doesn’t mean they’re easy! I’m the youngest person by a decade in my toughest one, and most of the women are miles ahead of me (I tell myself it’s because they’re retired and have time to practice more, but I’m just making myself feel better), but the vibe is not at all judgy because there is a large range of abilities and body types. Two of my favorite teachers are not thin themselves (and they are also extremely strong and poised and just really good teachers).

          2. I don’t think so. From what I’ve heard, everyone kind of runs their own race, so to speak. The age diversity appeals to me a lot.

          3. In the classes I have gone to there are often more walkers than runners. It’s totally fine!

        5. I’ve been doing Orange Theory for several years now, and I love it. I take 2-3 classes per week and find that this, combined with some walking on the off days, is enough to keep me in great shape for active things I like to do for fun (hiking and skiing in the winter). My studio would not be at all an intimidating environment for someone who is just starting an exercise program or isn’t very athletic. Members range in age from 20s through 60s (I’m at the upper end at 56), and in levels of fitness.

    8. I just bought a bike – wanted something to get around town and not have to fight for parking – and I forgot how FUN it is to ride!

      1. it’s been in the low 20s and windy here this week, which is putting me off, but when it’s above freezing, I’m with you 100%! I live a mile from my kids’ school (we walked this week), a mile from the YMCA, and about 3 miles from a walkable downtown area where my office is, and I bike all those places unless the weather is truly terrible. It is fun, active, more convenient and almost as fast since you can “park” right at your destination, and fresh air makes me happy.

    9. Weightlifting (at the gym with barbells), yoga (at home with Down Dog app) and swimming for me.

    10. I love to hike and walk, but other favorite activities:

      Barre class
      Yoga
      Tennis
      Pickleball

  5. Need help finding a new gym bag!
    My office gym has old-school metal lockers which are only about 9-9.5″ wide at the opening (marginally wider inside) and I’m tired of struggling to get my duffle bag in sideways. Some days I use a large Lululemon shopping bag filled to the brim – it kind of fits but isn’t a good solution.

    I need to take *everything* in and out with me. I workout elsewhere and shower at work, so I need a bag large enough to hold my work clothes, shoes, personal care (deodorant, makeup) and a large towel. Some days I also bring a curling iron or Revlon blowdryer brush.

    Budget: less is better but I don’t mind spending $$ for the right bag.

    2. This is what I got my teenage daughter who uses similar width lockers and she said it works great for her. It’s $20 and I was surprised the interior pockets are so helpful for keeping her hair ties, earrings and mouth guard organized.

      https://a.co/d/2CmcKQU

    3. I have a tall, skinny backpack and I organize the stuff inside using the cotton tote bags that you always seem to accumulate dozens of. Easy to pull out workout clothes in one bag, toiletries in another, etc.

  6. I’m in the midst of transitioning from a career in business (C-level at a small company) to being a therapist and a writer. I’m wondering about options for joining a board to keep up my business skills. As an immigrant woman in a male-dominated field where deals are often done on the golf course, I never developed the kind of social network that would “naturally” lead to board offers. I wonder if the field transition might be an opportunity to consider this more deliberately.

    I’ve seen comments here over time about nonprofit “donor” boards, and that’s not what I’m looking for. Are there still genuinely working boards looking for experienced executives, and if so how would I position myself in that direction? If that’s a rare thing or a bad idea for other reasons, please tell me that, I genuinely want to understand that landscape better.

      1. OP here. I hadn’t thought of it that way! When you say “hooked up,” do you mean signaling availability (like adding to LinkedIn), or a more proactive process of reaching out or seeking introductions?

        1. much more proactive. Ask your current board for recommendations for your market. This level is not recruited on LinkedIn.

    2. I strongly recommend the “Boardroom Bound” podcast with Alexander Lowry. It covers writing a board resume, networking, recruitment, and board service. Using those tips, I started networking and got on a local bank board. It’s not paid service, but not a C-suite person, and this is a good stepping stone without going down the donor path.

    3. And yes, working boards exist and are DYING for people on the Board to be helpful! Look at smaller nonprofits with small staffs and low Board turnover – that’s how you end up with directors not doing much. They get tired. I’m on such a Board myself trying to nudge long-time directors to keep up their commitments, or leave.

      1. Thank you for this insider perspective… It sounds like what’ s missing is a matching mechanism / “marketplace,” for lack of a better term. Do you have any suggestions for research or outreach methods?

        1. I’d start “local” with a cause you care about – either a cause near and dear to you, or something in your neighborhood. It makes it easier to advocate. I promise you’ll get a good reception asking if they need some help 99% of the time (and worry about the 1%!)

          1. I will try this! I wasn’t sure how it would be perceived, but you are right that it’s worth doing for the percentage who actually need the help, and not worth worrying about the other group, even if it turns out my initial sample doesn’t break down exactly 99%-1% :-D

  7. Has anyone tried Holland Cooper trousers? The high waisted straight legs are calling to me but are $$$$. Just wondering about the quality and if they are lined. Thanks.

    1. I’ve never tried the pants but I tried a coat on once (didn’t buy, couldn’t convince myself to drop the $$$) and it was beautiful and beautifully made. FWIW, the trousers I saw online say they are fully lined. Princess Kate wears a lot of Holland Cooper and I think as a general rule of thumb what she wears is good quality stuff.

  8. I posted yesterday or the day before to say that my company was doing layoffs, and confirmed that I still had a role. Well, yesterday I learned that my team is being disbanded….but I’m getting a promotion and a direct report. I have so many mixed emotions, as I really really loved my manager and my team, I’m not entirely sure what my new job is, and I’ve never had that much interest in having direct reports. That being said, I have one now, so would love any tips for a first time manager. I honestly feel a bit bad for this woman, as she was previously reporting to someone more senior than me who is incredible and very seasoned and now she’s going to be reporting to me…who will have less seniority and zero experience as a people manager. I obviously will not say this to her, but thinking I will be direct about this being new for me and ask her to please share feedback about what is/isn’t working so that I can better support her? I’m also planning to ask what she liked about her previous manager and how she likes to receive feedback. Once things settle I may see if she wants to grab coffee or something before the holidays to just get to know each other. Would love any other tips either general or more specific!

    1. You were put in charge for a reason. Don’t feel sorry for her. My big mistake is getting too personally friendly and then I get taken advantage of.

      1. Heh, sorry to say, this is often just based on cost – but it’s an opportunity nonetheless. Will echo not to do more than you should – there’s a phenomenon of putting women in charge of situations that are not recoverable, and they get the blame for inevitable failures. Push back when neeeded.

    2. The less you boss people around the better. Treat her like a colleague and be as transparent as you can. A team of one is very different from managing a department. You may become privy to things you can’t share so keep your role in mind but don’t jump into boss lady mode.

    3. I thought the book Radical Candor was helpful and how I like to approach things.

      Talk through all the projects with your direct report and others and make sure you understand them well before making any changes. If and when you do make changes explain the reasoning well. No one likes change, so be prepared for that and have a plan for it.

      Never assume that your direct report can read your mind or is thinking about things the same way. Better to be clear and explicit about what you want and what your expectations are.

      Your direct report may have a very different work style than you. My first report wanted much closer management than I like, which I had to be conscious of and actually provide.

      1. Be firm but friendly. No reason not to be polite but that doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat.

        Give feedback in the moment or as close to it happening as possible. This saves everyone some headache.

        Think about what you would have wanted a boss to do for you. Honestly, my bad bosses might have taught me the most. Protect your team from unnecessary or crazy requests from other teams.

    4. In one of my leadership trainings, the consultant told me to picture yourself in a boat that’s rocking. Would you rather have someone calm at the helm who is trying to guide or someone freaking out about it rocking? I draw on that often when my reports look for me at what to do when setbacks or challenges come up. Don’t dump on them about your lack of confidence or uncertainty in this new role. Also, It’s not your report’s job to tell you what is or isn’t working. What you should do though is ask a lot of questions about how they would solve something, really listen, and guide with thinking through with further questions what may or may not work so that they are bought into solutions and developing critical thinking and engagement to position them better for facing similar challenges going forward. My favorite books on leadership are Coaching for Performance and What Got You Here Won’t Get You There (this second one is on transitioning from being a high performance doer to manager). Just personal experience: Be friendly and approachable. But don’t try to be their friend, at least off the bat. It’s a lot simpler for both sides.

    5. As a manager, your #1 job is to make sure that the people you manage have everything they need to do their jobs to the best of their ability. This includes information, equipment, advocacy, training and professional development, and opportunities to take on a larger role.

      1. This! If you’re too hands-off, they don’t feel supported. If you’re too hands-on, they feel like you’re micromanaging or don’t trust them.

        Book regular 1:1s and show up. Give timely and actionable feedback on their work. Ask them what they’re looking for in terms of career progression, and keep an eye out for opportunities to help them get there.

        I wouldn’t bend over backwards to apologize for being new, asking for tons of feedback, etc. Being a good manager is about clear priorities and ensuring people can achieve their goals (which include hitting their numbers/deliverables/whatever “success” means at your company).

        Yes, be friendly, be human, etc. But this is work, you don’t have to be BFFs, and it’s helpful to have someone who’s confident in their skills as your boss.

        1. This is just very solid, good advice which I wish I had known when I first started managing !

          1. Thank you! I was fortunate to have a great manager early in my career who showed me the way when I was a first-time manager.

    6. Would it help you to reframe this from some sort of jump in levels to an unfamiliar territory, to a new kind of working relationship that your experiences so far have probably equipped you to navigate? I don’t know enough about your org or your work to suggest which metaphors specifically may be helpful, but here are some examples to give you a sense of what I mean: (1) Someone already suggested to see this as making sure your new report has what she needs to get her job. In an environment like what you are describing, having that kind of ally would likely be HUGE for her. And approaching it this way would incidentally give you a way to evaluate her working style, needs, and capabilities. (2) You could relate to her as a version of yourself from the past and use perspective-taking to figure out what would be helpful and also how to get the best results from working together. (A corollary of this is that she may or may not see you as a future version of herself. Understanding this piece would also give you a sense of how to manage the relationship.)

    7. I once inherited a very ambitious direct report through a reorg. He viewed reporting to me as a demotion as he’d reported to someone higher level before me. I was also a new manager still getting my legs under me with a brand new staff of 5 that I had no idea were coming, and didn’t know whether I’d be a good manager (actually, it turns out I’m a very good manager. It’s something I’m very proud of.)

      When this ambitious guy was kind of champing at the bit and making it obvious he was frustrated, I finally said “Dave, there is no doubt in my mind that someday I will report to you, but the situation today is that you report to me. Let’s try to make this work until the next reorg, ok?” Then we worked it out to give him quite a lot of authority immediately, and more that he worked up to over time.

      Dave took over my role when I left that company and now runs a similar company in another country. He always tells me I’m his favorite boss ever.

      So, OP, give it some time for the dust to settle, but I highly recommend acknowledging the awkwardness of the situation and trying to work together with your new direct report as a team.

      1. Such a cool management/development story! They don’t cover these dynamics well in business school, especially from the perspective of women and minorities. I wish someone invited you to teach a master class and made it widely available.

    8. This is all good advice, I really appreciate it! Especially reframing how I kick off the relationship without being too self-deprecating.

  9. for those who’ve been *happily* married for a long time – is there anything specific you did in the early days that you feel has really helped? Or, choices you make every day?

    I’ve been married about 6 months – it is wonderful! We lived together 1.5 years before, so already went through those adjustments. I have a serious chronic illness, we’ve been through major family drama, deaths, etc. already so confident we can work through hard situations.
    However, we both come from divorced parents who had very unhappy marriages so have more examples of what we don’t want than what we do, if that makes sense!

    1. You have to like each other in addition to loving each other. So, keep investing in the activities that deepen your friendship, even if it’s simple as watching a TV show together. Go on a walk after dinner. Whatever it is, the point is that you’re seeking each other as refuge from the rest of the world and its pressures. We’ve been married 21 years, and I believe we’re both very happy because the friendship stays at the forefront. Makes it easier to work through the tougher stuff that will come up.

      1. +1. I have a very happy 18 year marriage (yikes, that feels long). My husband is still my favorite person to actually talk to and do stuff with.

        Life has thrown a lot at us, but I’ve always appreciated keeping in perspective that our biggest disagreements are due to external factors – not intrinsic issues. When you strip away the external stressful thing (hard time at work, disagreements over division of labor, global pandemic (ha!), etc.), we still just genuinely love being together and hanging out doing whatever. Being compatible as trusted best friends first has taken us through all the hard periods.

      2. Adding to this, strive for a balance of things to do together and something that is your own. It helps us to feel like a team but also like our own person, if that makes sense?

        1. This. I’ve been married for 15 years and we’re both happiest when we are able to pursue individual hobbies and interests as well as stuff we do together and stuff we do with the family. Of course there are ups and downs, but for me the downs are always when I feel like I’ve lost myself because I’m giving too much to external things. Even things I love like my family.

          We also respect that we need different things -extrovert vs introvert, different love languages – and have gotten a lot better over the years at talking about that in a neutral way “hey I love you, but I’m exhausted and need to be alone for a few hours. it has nothing to do with you, I’m just going to be a recluse tonight” instead of assuming we can read each other’s minds and stewing until something sets us off when we’re accidentally on different pages.

          1. This sounds like us, we declare “individual time” for a bit in the evenings, usually post-dinner. I’m extremely extroverted, but my husband is quite introverted. Making individual time a regular part of the routine means that I don’t feel like he’s annoyed with me or tired of me, and allows him the time he needs to decompress.

            And +1 to keeping the friendship. I just genuinely like hanging out with my husband, and we cook together, go on walks, share articles, etc. It might sound kind of silly to text a URL to your spouse, but it gives us something more to talk about at dinner or on a walk.

        2. Agree to this completely.

          We argue (sometimes a lot) over the daily stuff, but there are no major disagreements over the big stuff, like finances, family relations, health, education, and such things.

          If my husband asks me whether I want to go for a walk in the evening, I say Yes every time and enjoy having a moment for ourselves.

          17 years married, together for 23.

    2. A certain degree of stubbornness and commitment to remaining in the marriage has helped us through tough spots. Trying to at least be superficially kind to each other when you’re going through a tough spot helps too. Learn how to express when you’re crabby or just feeling off, for reasons unrelated to spouse, and need some space. Do fun, joyful things together. Happily (and mostly joyfully) married for 25 years here.

    3. It may sound cheesy, but I believe love languages are a thing. Be open to discussing what things make each of you feel loved and make an effort to “speak” the other person’s language.

      Communicate. Don’t assume the other person can read your mind and then get mad when they don’t do what you want.

      Be nice to each other. I know it’s controversial, but my husband and I say “please” and “thank you” for everyday things.

      You’re human and you’re going to have bad days when you’re irritable or angry, but try to let that be the exception and not the norm. It can be difficult to be around a person who is always grumpy.

      1. YES to be nice to each other! We also say please and thank you, and I believe it’s good for our kids to see that, too. It was something I learned from my parents. Their marriage is very traditional in most ways and not exactly what I wanted for myself, but it has always, always been clear that they appreciate each other’s contributions. That makes a big difference.

    4. Agree with everything above. A few more thoughts:

      Do not let frustration and anger fester. Resentment is the killer. If something’s bothering you, talk about it. Learn how to argue without getting mean and with the mutual goal of solving the problem, not being “right.”

      Let one another shift and change and grow, and as you do, get to know each other again. And again, and again.

    5. I’ve only been married 10 years, but my parents were happily married for nearly 50 before my mom’s death.

      Be kind. We say please and thank you. We look for ways to do things for the other person that will bring them moments of joy.

      Both of you decide that you would rather be happy than right. Don’t pick at each other/pick your battles. You both do stuff that drives the other person nuts if they let it. Both try to minimize the things you do that drive him nuts and overlook the things he does where you feel the same. DH never makes the bed because he thinks its dumb (just going to get back into it!); I like the bed made. Neither of us is wrong, we are just different in whether we think beds should get made. Although he gets up second every day, I make it. I could complain at him and pick that he needs to do it, but it’s faster and easier for me to do it. This idea applies to a whole lot of things.

      Tell each other when you’re having a bad day. Some days you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Warn your partner that you’re off that day. Spouses are not mind readers – use words and tell the spouse whatever is going on in life.

      I agree there is a certain amount of stick to it ness. We have had a few (thankfully short) periods when one of us was so angry about something that we wanted to blow up the whole thing. But we reminded ourselves that we made promises to each other to stay married (please do not read this to say that all behavior from a spouse is acceptable – there absolutely are a lot of reasons to leave marriages).

      Focus on the reasons you married each other and do not fixate on the things that make you each crazy. The grass really is greener where you water it. Water the good grass and try to avoid the weeds. Maybe this goes with the “don’t pick at each other” comment above.

      Find things you enjoy doing together and separately. Listen to your partner talk about their separate interest and engage in those discussions and encourage them to continue doing the activity. I don’t think any relationship of any kind can survive being together all the time.

      I’m eager to see what other people write and implement improvements in my marriage as well.

    6. At the time, this very much felt like the opposite of good luck – but in hindsight (and also, in fairness, because things turned out well in the end), going through a difficult time during the first year of marriage went a long way towards setting us up towards having a great marriage. Because we were also blissful newlyweds, we were extra motivated to take really good care of each other through the bad stuff and still have lots of fun together, and that set a pattern that we’ve gone back to again and again every time we’ve dealt with something tough (or even just had a bad day). It sounds like you’ve had this experience already and come through it well, so you’re probably already on the right track with this.
      I would also just really emphasize fun. There have been times in our marriage when we’ve been more and less romantic (physically or emotionally). I’m convinced that the romance always comes back because the underlying humor and fun never goes away.

    7. Married for 22 years. I’ve learned over time to really pick my battles. It’s the old question of, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” Also key-when your partner tells you that something you are doing makes them sad/annoyed/whatever, change it! Obviously this only works in supportive healthy relationships, but nothing has made more of a difference for us than each person being willing to respond to the other’s needs.

    8. Agree with everything above! Two things I would build on:

      1. Be generous with expressing gratitude. I say thank you even when my husband does things he’s “supposed” to do (e.g. when it’s his night to do the dishes). Because I’m still very grateful to not have to do it myself!

      2. Find new things to experience together. Supposedly novelty is one of the most important things in building lasting bonds, and that can be anything from trying a new restaurant, taking a cooking class, finding a new hike or traveling.

    9. Start as you mean to continue. I have known so many young women excited at the idea of playing house with their new mate, so they take on all kinds of projects like being perfect at cooking, being perfect at laundry, being perfect at cleaning, you get the gist.

      Because then a few years later, all of that stuff is their job by default, and the husband doesn’t do anything and they’re pissed at him all the effin’ time.

      Start out with things equal and fair from day one. Even if you “don’t mind“ doing more today, you will mind someday in the future.

      This happens with child rearing too. You have a new baby and you’ve read all the books and you know exactly how to do it (Spoiler alert: none of us actually know how to do it) so you do it all, and dad doesn’t do it right so you just take over everything, and then all of the child rearing becomes your job. Don’t do that either.

      When it comes to keeping a house together or raising children together, you both have to have your roles, even if your partner does things differently than you’d do them yourself. Stay out of it

      1. This. Honestly I attribute a lot of the happiness in my marriage to being less competent in life than most of my friends. I’m type b. I will go to sleep with dishes in the sink and I will forget soccer practice sometimes so my husband really can’t just coast like a lot of other husbands. He’s also an awesome person who thinks all of this is a joint effort anyway, but I can see how just handling
        everything myself would change the dynamic.

        1. I so wish I had at least pretended to be bad at adulting while dating. I think it would have scared off a lot of bad people.

          1. I’m not bad at adulting. I’m not a hot mess or an incompetent person. I’m just not less likely to make a mistake than my husband is, if that makes sense. Between the two of us things run well with little resentment.

          2. Going to sleep with dishes in the sink is not being a failure at adulting.

            Perfectionism and thinking life is a game you can “win” is the enemy.

      2. This is so true! Especially when the babies come along! I am convinced that one of the reasons my husband is the egalitarian gem he is today (in his mid-70s) is that he and his late wife never had kids and so never fell into the traditional parenting roles by default. (Not that he wouln’t have been awesome anyway, but…)

    10. Agree with the others so far. I am 15 years into a very happy marriage that I would truly say is fun and easy and even though life has not been easy. These maybe sound like very old-fashioned recommendations but I would say we have the most egalitarian marriage of anyone I know.

      1) Take the position that you are always on the same team. e.g. if you have arguments about housework, the problem is always the housework, not him, and you are on the same team trying to figure it out.

      2) Be at least as nice to each other as you are to friends and strangers. Always say please and thank you. Say often what you admire and respect about him. Be considerate of each other’s time. Look for the ways he is growing and changing and compliment him.

      3) Consider going to therapy to learn how to argue, if that’s at all an issue for you. 1 1/2 years in we hit a minor snag and had 5 very successful sessions with a counselor from his EAP who gave us some shared language for how to frame a complaint (“When you do X, it makes me feel Y, and so I need Z .”) and how to put an argument “in a box on the shelf” when we need to go to an event or take care of the kids as a united front and then take it out again later to finish the argument.

      4) Consciously shift to using “ours” vs. “mine.” Our house, our decision, our money. If he makes a decision that you don’t agree with, doesn’t matter – to anyone outside of you, it was “our” decision and you’ll defend it as if it were your own.

      5) Never disparage or tease him in public. When friends complain about their husbands, don’t commiserate. It’s disrespectful to him and makes you look for things to complain about.

      6) Agree that whoever has the higher standard or cares more “wins.” Don’t use lowest-common-denominator thinking, always try to rise to each other’s level. If he thinks the lawn needs to be cared for in a certain way even though you don’t care – it does. If you think the laundry needs to be folded a certain way even though he doesn’t care – it does. If doing everything to the higher standard is a problem because you collectively don’t have enough time, money or resources – refer to #1, that’s an external problem you get to solve together.

      1. Same team is such a big one. My husband and I joke that it’s us vs the kids, we’re like border collies working together to herd the sheep. And really good at communicating with our eyes.

        1. Completely agree with all of this. In my previous marriage it was like he was playing singles against me, and now it’s like we are playing doubles together. SUCH A DIFFERENCE! Let’s hear it for “Team Us!”

    11. Default to yes when it comes to friends. Mid life is really hard with kids and it’s important to have and keep friendships. So we always try to default to yes when the other gets invited to something fun. We don’t keep score and we encourage the other to say yes, whether it’s a pricy girls weekend or just someone’s birthday drinks on a busy weeknight, we always try to make it happen for each other if possible. We also default to yes when it comes to gym and workout time.

    12. If something causes resentment due to differing standards, see if you can outsource it.
      I think the house should be much cleaner and the garden much better cared for, but I’m not going to spend my life nagging or doing everything myself.
      As someone said earlier, the higher standard wins/ is probably the right one, but if you can meet it through hiring a gardener or cleaner, that’s a win too.

      1. What if your standard is higher than your partner’s on everything? Herein lies my dilemma.

        1. I would say that is worth a conversation! Because there is hopefully at least one place where you have equally high standards — wanting the marriage to succeed (which you could measure by how well the relationship supports both people). I’m going to make up an example because I don’t know if I expressed this clearly. Say the husband is a bit of an “underachiver slob”, with genuinely lower standards than the “overachiever perfectionist” wife. He could still be a perfectly lovely guy who wants his wife to be happy. And there are very productive conversations one could have in that situation. As compared to a husband who ALSO doesn’t care if his wife is happy (in addition to having those other low standards). That is the kind of thing I personally would want to know about if I were the wife.

    13. I’ve been married 14 years and am happily married, though there was a year or two when I thought about divorce a lot.

      I agree with all the advice to be kind, generous, and forgiving.

      Establish traditions. They can evolve or even go away if they’re not serving you anymore, but it’s nice to have some meaningful touchpoints throughout the year.

      Along the same lines, celebrate. Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, accomplishments!

      You don’t mention your age, but if you’re young, learn to do “adult” things together. It’s fun to explore new meals, fix up your house, plant a garden, or whatever together when you’re young and have free time. Even for the not so fun stuff like budgeting and paying bills, setting it up together gets you on the same page. And also, both of you should have a basic grasp of all household tasks–cooking, laundry, yardwork, basic maintenance, resetting the router, paying bills. Through the years, we’ve divided tasks up more, either by default or express agreement, but there are very few tasks that we think of as one person’s responsibility (usually when logistics make it easier for one person to keep track of). As we’ve become parents and dealt with elder care and some of our own health issues, we’ve changed job assignments multiple times, and either of us can pick up the other’s slack during a difficult time.

    14. I think it is interesting (and encouraging!) that so much of this advice is similar. “All happy families are alike . . .”?

    15. We went for counseling and learned how to fight. We figured out our finances. We spend time apart without jealousy. 25 years.

    16. Watch how you fight. There are things that cannot be unsaid, please remember that.

      Be each others favorite person.

      Forgive and be kind to each other.

    17. got pulled into unexpected mtgs today so didn’t have the chance to read responses until now – Wow! Thank you all – some really valuable advice and perspective here.

  10. Can anyone find me a camel-colored, cotton or cotton blend (or short sleeved wool) knit top, running up to xxl or plus sizes, for wearing under jackets and jardigans at work? This has been my great white whale this season, and I seem to be striking out. I have a nice, basic camel cashmere sweater, but it runs hot!

      1. cashmere silk might also be lighterweight – this is up to xxl

        https://tnuck.com/products/sandstone-cashmere-silk-blend-katie-tee

        this one is cotton and comes up to size 3x
        https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/sweaters/pullovers/short-sleeve-cotton-crewneck-sweater/CF384?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=hthr-mushroom&colorProductCode=CF384

        also this
        https://www.nordstrom.com/s/short-sleeve-sweater-plus/7882977?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=251

    4. The “YEMAK Women’s Knit Sweater Top – Half Sleeve Crewneck Basic Casual Classic Fit Lightweight Knitted Soft Pullover Tee” from A***Zon comes in a lot of colors, including several brown tones. It’s acrylic and I’ve found it to be very soft and comfy. It’s also the right length for my short-waisted 5″1′ figure, so if you’re tall it might not work as well for you.

  11. Lately I’ve been waking up with tension headaches. I thought it might be my old pillows so I got new ones but that hasn’t helped. I do clench my jaw in my sleep, I use a nightguard although I guess I could still be clenching hard enough to cause problems. I take Advil and Tylenol throughout the day but still have lowkey pain all day. Maybe I need a massage or a physical therapist? Has anyone else experienced this?

    1. A good massage might help, and a physical therapist who does dry needling could be life-changing for you.

    2. My dentist is a fan of a high absorption, relaxing form of magnesium as a muscle relaxant (e.g. magnesium glycinate). That’s been working well enough for me that I haven’t followed up on PT or massage yet.

    3. I get tension headaches, too. When I have a bad string of them, stretching the neck, shoulders, and upper body helps. Even a self-massage to the neck and shoulders can help alleviate some of the muscle tension.

    5. I’ve had good experiences with Rolfing for releasing long-held patterns of tension in the body. I also feel like I’ve been sleeping better since starting magnesium glycinate at night. However, if you try some of the things suggested here and they don’t seem to help, it may be time to look into the source of the headaches and make sure there isn’t some other underlying cause.

    6. Agree with trying magnesium, but also advil and tylenol can cause rebound headaches, so I’d stop taking those. You bought new pillows, but are they the right pillows for you? I have much less neck pain after switching to a pillow for back and side sleepers that has a low part for when I sleep on my back and a higher part for when I sleep on my side (I usually switch in the middle of the night). Stretching of your head, neck, and chest muscles and self massage can help a lot as well, and then see a PT if that doesn’t help.

        1. Yes, but I did too and found out I would wake up with a headache every day due to lack of electrolytes. Dr said to water down some Gatorade a few times a week and drink that. It has helped significantly. I didn’t even know you could have low electrolytes even if you are not working out and sweating a ton.

    8. I found lying on a bed with my head and neck off the foot of the bed usually helped me. I needed to find a sweet spot.

    9. Depending on how much Tylenol and NSAIDs you have been using, and for how long, medication overuse headache is a possibility.

    10. Why do you call it a “tension headache”? Are you also prone to migraines, so you are saying this is something different.

      I’d check in with your doctor. New headaches are worth paying attention to. New morning headaches is a sign of sleep apnea.

      And taking advil/tylenol thoughout the day, everyday, is not a good thing. You may now have transformed your headaches into Chronic Daily Headache due to medication overuse. Crazy but true.

      But I do think we all need regular massage, and PT! Only half kidding. Doing anything to improve our body mechanics, decrease stress/tension is always a good thing.

  12. I’m looking for advice on how to handle a situation. I’m close to my brother, who has been with his wife for 17 years. His wife is also my best friend. They are having some marriage troubles and she comes to me because of how close we are, and I agree with her on the topic I’m about to explain. I feel like my brother is being outrageous, but I don’t know how I can help from the outside, or if I even should.

    So SIL’s mother has stage IV cancer. She goes to treatments on Mondays and needs something adjusted with her port on Wednesdays. SIL is an RN so she does the port adjustment herself, with permission from the doctor. SIL brings her mom to treatment on Mondays and then goes to her house (about 30 minutes away) on Wednesday nights to help with the port. My brother is throwing a fit about this, saying she is taking too much time off work (SIL is remote and has permission to work from the hospital, which she usually does during treatments) and is stretching herself too thin, her family is taking advantage of her, etc. There is also a dad and a brother in the picture who don’t usually take mom to treatments or appointments, but that’s because they work labor jobs where there is no flexibility, and the dad needs to keep his job in order to pay all these medical bills. My SIL is indignant that my brother is acting this way, and quite frankly, so am I. They get into routine fights that she is “leaving again” to go help her mom. They had a blowout fight last night and she called me sobbing from the car on her way to her mom’s house. I offered to let her stay at my house that night to let things cool off but she didn’t take me up on it. It’s getting bad, and I think my brother is acting like a total baby, but I don’t know what to do.

    1. Pretty basic, but I would separately text or call your brother and ask if there’s anything you can do for your SIL or their family, since it sounds like she has so much going on and could use some extra hands. It reinforces the idea that SIL needs support without pointing fingers at brother’s behavior. Whether and how you say anything more than that would really depend on the relationship you and your brother have.

    2. This is so dependent on your relationship with your brother. But play out the scenarios:
      What happens if you call your brother and tell him he’s acting like a baby and to stop?
      What happens if you do nothing?
      What happens if you text/call your brother and ask how you can support their family?

      Going through the options may clarify your best choice here. I’m sorry your SIL is going through this.

      1. Yeah, I can see some people for whom a direct call out would be best, others who would need a gentle call out, and others would just need some questions to get his head out of his butt that would cause him to realize what a baby he’s being. I know I would definitely say something, but I’d have a tailored approach.

    3. Oh man, this is a tough situation. Your SIL isn’t doing anything wrong, and your brother clearly feels like something is up. Since it’s your brother, can you talk to him and see what’s up? Not in an accusatory “shape up” way, but do they need more support as a couple and as a family during this rough stretch? Is he worried that your SIL/BFF seems worn out and spread thin, therefore resenting her dad and siblings?

      1. He’s definitely worried that she is worn out/spread thin and is resenting the dad and brother. He thinks they should be stepping up more. The thing is though, she WANTS to be doing all this. She says it stresses her out even more to not be at the appointments, and she wants to spend as much time with her mom as she can because she doesn’t know much time they have left. I like the suggestions to step back and assess how I can support them as a couple. I know I can make meals. Any other suggestions?

        1. If they have kids, taking them out for some fun auntie time.

          Meals are good. But also, if you have capacity, being someone your brother can lean on, too. A family member’s terminal illness affects everyone in the family. My DH has been the one with the dying parent. Now, I’m getting my turn. And it’s hard on both ends, for different reasons. Your brother is supporting your SIL, but who is providing the support to him?

          Just some food for thought.

        2. FWIW, my husband had the same attitude when I was helping with my grandfather – “His kids should be doing this, not you” etc etc. But it made the most logistical sense for me to do it – everyone else was hundreds and thousands of miles further away – and I found some comfort in being useful and helping my family, even though it did add more to my plate and was occasionally frustrating.

          I’m sure he thought he was being supportive by telling me I should just not take on the additional responsibility, but it was so, so hurtful. Even more so because my grandfather adored my husband and preferred him over his actual grandchildren. I wish someone else had told him to shut his mouth and just offer support. But it’s tricky – and unfortunately, I don’t have any magic words of wisdom that will get his head out of his a**.

        3. I get it that your brother thinks SIL is being taken advantage of. What I’m not sure about is: what is *he* doing to support his wife, whose mom is dying of cancer??? Other than giving her a hard time that other family members should do more?

          What you can do about that depends on your relationship wiht your brother. But overall I would say I’ve seen very weird dynamics in families around grief and anticipated grief. Maybe there’s a way you can help him reframe this so he can be there for his wife?

    4. I am so pissed at your brother right now. Could you possibly have a one on one with him and talk some sense into him? Is there any chance that that might help? I am team sister-in-law 100% here.

      1. Another thought, is there any chance your brother has slid into the Manosphere on the Internet? It’s a toxic waste dump, and if he’s there, he’s probably got all kinds of ideas about anytime she’s gone, she’s cheating on him, or she’s not fulfilling her number one role in life, which is to serve him. All that garbage. Any chance that’s what’s happening here?

        1. This screams manosphere and like the brother is mad SIL is dotting on someone who isn’t him.

    5. This is really tough. My mom went through intensive cancer treatment out of state and I would go stay with her for a week at a time. I had three small children at the time, and my husband worked a demanding job. I know it was hard for him to cover everything while I was gone, but he NEVER made me feel bad about it and he always told the kids (who were upset that I was leaving. They would cry and cry) that it was ok to be sad about missing me but that grandma needed me and that sometimes we have to help out other people even when it is hard for us. I cannot imagine dealing with the stress of my mom being sick on top of having a husband giving me a hard time about it. I would probably tell my brother (I also have a brother who is married to a good friend of mine) that he is being unreasonable and needs to get it together or he is going to seriously damage his marriage.

    6. This is just another flavor of man baby behavior and so incredibly common. He needs a good talking to/dope slap, but it almost certainly needs to come from a guy to be effective.
      Is there someone in their circle, maybe a few years older, who has been through parental caregiving and could knock some sense into him?

      1. In OP’s shoes, I would have to physically sit on my hands to keep myself from administering that slap personally

        1. For real. My own dad was this way when my mom was taking care of HIS mother. They divorced and she’s never been happier.

          1. His own mother?!!? JFC sometimes I just want to put all men on a rocket and send them straight into the sun.

      1. Is this type of behavior normal for your brother otherwise? My brother fully believes the world should revolve around him (which my mom cultivated) so this behavior wouldn’t be shocking.
        If this is out of character for him it may just be him (badly) expressing grief, in which case I’d reach out to offer him support and an outlet.

        1. Unfortunately, it’s common for him. He is conservative (grew up in a conservative house and watched my mom cater to my dad’s every need). He thinks he needs to “protect” my SIL from her family taking advantage of her, even though she’s been screaming at the top of her lungs that they are not taking advantage of her, that she wants to be with her mom, etc. Hence why I don’t know how to help.

          2. Be express with him.

            Any or all of:

            – you are not helping her
            – you are hurting her during a difficult time
            – you do not know what she needs better than she does
            – a real man would take care of his wife by driving her
            – you’re lucky she has not left your ignorant a$$

          3. Does your brother listen to you or is he open to hearing what you think about something? Is he the kind of person to change his behavior when he realizes he’s wrong?

            If the answer to those questions is “no,” then there’s nothing you can do.
            (Except to realize that this dynamic where your best friend is also your SIL, who is using you as a relief valve for her painful marriage . . it’s a weird, awkward dynamic at best.)

      2. Holy geez. Agree with the commenters above that your brother is a massive man baby. You should encourage your “best friend” to leave him, or at the very least do NOT have children with this man. He will expect her to do all of the work, and pitch a fit when she doesn’t meet his lofty expectations.

      3. With no kids this sounds like even odder behaviour. I think I’d start with just asking him how he’s doing with all this – how he’s coping.
        You might get something wild like he’s struggling with something he hasn’t shared with anyone, and that’s driving his reactions… or maybe his side is that his wife comes home from her Mom’s at midnight and is so stressed that she vents or starts fights with him in the middle of the night.
        Not saying this is the case, but in your shoes I’d err on the side of being understanding and supportive to my sibling. Later if it’s clear he’s just being terrible, you can administer the smack upside the head 😂

      4. This is insane.

        I would focus on her and I would be helping by offering to come to the house every Wednesday and drive her so that she doesn’t have to do the driving.

        She should be glad she does not have kids with this guy and I would not recommend that she does. Strong vibes of a guy who demands she put down the baby to cry it out because she hasn’t serviced his needs in a while.

    8. I’m so sorry. Given that her mom’s cancer is already stage IV, chances are low that she will survive this. I would say the same thing about your brother’s marriage. And that is 100% of his own making. What a horrible person he sounds like. I wish all the best to your SIL.

    9. Wow. I would ask what your brother is doing to help his dying mother in law. How is he pitching in for the family during this time of need. Or is he being completely selfish and small minded and petty.

      Also, they don’t have kids. So WTF is he complaining about?

      If he cannot step up now, chances are he’s not going to be an equal partner when the kids come.

    10. What is your fathers relationship like with your brother? This is a situation where an elder male in the family needs to ‘knock some sense’ into your brother. What he is doing is very disrespectful to his wife and her family. It will finish their relationship.

      As a last resort I would get your mother to stand up to him and tell him to shape up. Is your mother able to help with the children?

      The last thing I would do if I were you is to get involved directly.

      1. I missed the part where there are no children. If your SIL is smart she is meeting with a divorce lawyer and you might want to give her permission to do so. This is atrocious behavior on his part.

        1. +1
          Your brother’s behavior is really…. unforgiveable. It reflects something deeper than having different values. It is cruel. And this is how he is treating the person he supposedly loves most in the world, who may be suffering during the worst time of her life. I would support your best friend as much as you can.

          If you love your brother, and know a good side exists, and think he respects you, I would sit down to with him and talk. Start with an open ended question, to see what he says…… “Hey, I am so worried about my (best friend)? What is going on? How are you trying to help her?”

          But I do have to say, there may be a smidge of truth on his side. The other siblings out of town should be coming to visit regularly to give day to day help, support FIL, take care of household management/errands etc.. and just be with Mom. It may be true that SIL is carrying too much stress. I can imagine that since she is a RN, it is very easy for distant kids to say “good thing sis is there to take care of things”.

          Thanks for everything you are doing for her. I want her to kick your brother to the curb, but if there is anything you can do to just get him to shut up that would be amazing.

  13. suggestions for stocking stuffers for teen boys? when they were little they were so easy and loved their stockings filled with 5 below junk and candy and whatever else. last year my older one started to drive and so i got all sorts of car accessories which he was pleased with but my younger one (14) was not impressed with nail clippers and whatever else i tried….

    1. Rubik’s cube; one of those pens with the four different colors; Starbucks gift card; ridiculous socks.

      This is such a tough age! I’m in the same boat so reading the responses, too.

    2. Maybe a cologne sampler? I see people I know with similar aged boys posting on social that they’re big into colognes.

    3. It’s a hard age! Candy is always good. Personal care products that feel a little bit more fun than the norm. Fun pens/pencils for school. Fidget toys, crazy putty. Gift cards.

      My 10-year-old girl has a heap of stocking stuffers right now. My 15-year-old boy has the aforementioned candy, mechanical pencils (he has very specific and pricey wants) and not much else yet, so clearly I’m still figuring it out!

      1. Can you please share some of the ideas for your 10 year old girl? I’ve been searching for a gift for a 10 year old that is sufficiently “big girl” to differentiate from her younger sister. Thanks!

    4. I’ll share what’s going in my 13-yr old’s stocking – a ‘loop lasso’, stimagz fidget toys, a funko pop figure, ‘sneaker b@lls’ – deodorizing things for his school gym bag, candy bars, a giftcard to a local store so he can go get snacks with friends, and a small bottle of nice cologne.

    5. Candy is still always popular around here, as are those little Lego sets that come in a cellophane bag. My son still plays with a zero gravity pen I stuck in his stocking one year and he’s 22 now. I also agree with the Rubiks cube or fidget toy ideas. But to be honest, we primarily do chewing gum, candy, nuts, even protein bars. The stockings are not supposed to be the main event in our household.

    6. Is he into sneakers? I got a sneaker cleaning/care kit for my son’s stocking last year and he really liked it! He does have a large selection of sneakers and asks for very specific ones for Christmas and birthday gifts, so it played into another interest for him.

    7. Card games, science toys or puzzles, slightly exotic or unusual candy/ snacks (like the stuff you would get in a Universal Yums or Bokksu box)?

    8. My cousin brought a $10 magnet game called magnetic chess to Thanksgiving. It was surprisingly fun — not hard, just something to do to keep your hands busy while you’re chatting. I always try and find a little game that we can play on Christmas afternoon so that we have a “together” activity when things start to get slow, or if we need a point of focus if someone is overstimulated.

    9. I just put any of the actual gifts that will fit into the stocking. Our PB Kids stockings are pretty big and will hold things like headphones, paperback books, ski goggles, travel mugs, etc.

    10. does he play any sports for which you can add gear? Base/lax balls, hockey pucks, mouthguards, ski wax, grip tape, seeds, eyeblack, etc? My 12 y/o daughter is getting eyeblack, a can of tennis balls and a bunch of mouthguards because I have to buy them seasonally anyway :). She’s also getting chapstick and a replacement ski safety whistle.

      1. Oh, also mini board games on keychains. 5 below has some that are going in my kids’ stockings.

    11. The Mom Edit has a stocking stuffer guide, and has also done a couple of features on gifts for teen boys.

  14. My husband and I have decided it is no longer a question of if we will split up, just when. It’ll depend on our kids’ needs but I imagine it will be in the next 5 years. We have worked hard together in marriage therapy for almost 5 years and we are mostly resigned and content with this outcome and plan to do it amicably. My question is what should each of us think about in this period of time to prepare to run two households, bring in additional income, etc. I want to use this time well and launch into the next chapter from a position of strength for both of us. Thank you!

    1. Omg this is such a dumb plan. You know you want a divorce? File. Move on. Why waste up to 5 years of your life dithering? Get your divorce and figure life out.

      1. I appreciate that reasoning a lot but our kids are in a particular situation right now that requires more consistency until it passes. We also currently can’t financially support two households on our salaries which is extremely unfortunate.

        1. Then I guess start planning for how to transition into higher-paying jobs, which is a lot easier said than done.

        2. I thought the same thing about not being able to afford two households. To figure it out, we cut out as many things as possible including 401k contributions and automatic contributions to savings and to our investment funds. Husband got an apartment that was not a dump, but reasonably priced.

          I don’t love that we had to stop all these contributions, but it was only for a period of time, but it could even be for a year or two if necessary.

        3. Then you each move to a one bedroom rental and the kids get the bedroom and you sleep on the couch and figure it out.

          1. Ma’am. You are being unnecessarily harsh. There is a way to say what you’re saying with kindness.

          2. This is what I did. Still in the one bedroom rental seven years later. Divorce is a huge financial hit but I’m getting by and I can’t put a price on my own peace and happiness. My kid loves our home even though it’s tiny compared to her peers.

      2. This. The kids will adjust no matter how hard things seem. It will all be worse if you stay knowing the marriage is over. Figure out your new life now.

        1. I totally hear this AND we can’t afford a second place to live at this time, so it’s just not possible to do that today.

      4. Very dumb. There will always be something.
        It sounds like you don’t really want to and are thinking of excuses not to divorce.

      1. Like 5 years ago was December 2019. That was a LONG 5 years. And this will feel longer…

    3. Don’t waste five years of your life waiting to get divorced. Do it now. It will be better for the kids too.

    4. You should consult an attorney in your state about the impact of staying married for the next five years during which you apparently plan to change your financial situation. You should also ask about legal separation in the interim and whether it makes sense for your family.

      Which of you thinks it isn’t time yet and what are the reasons you discussed?

      1. Thank you for this! One main issue is that we financially cannot afford a second place to live on our current salaries. We have both known this relationship was over for a long time but we can’t currently afford to split.

        1. I suspect one of you wants to keep the house you live in now so the kids don’t have to change.

          But what you should actually do is both of you downsize – you live in smaller places, even if that’s an even if that’s a couple of two bedroom apartments, and the kids will adjust I promise.

          You think you’re doing it for the kids, but children living with parents who should be divorced for five years is also not a great solution. They pick up on that stuff easily and constantly. Remember you’re modeling to them what a loving relationship looks like, and you don’t have that.

          1. Yup, this. I have seen this play out in my circle of family and friends. The kids ALWAYS know something is up and isn’t right, even when the parents are trying to hide it. Rip off the band-aid, even if it means downsizing or getting creative about housing.

          2. It may not be great, but it’s sometimes much better than when they finally split up, separate, and live in separate houses. Making sacrifices for the kids sometimes does benefit the kids; it just all depends.

        2. do you each need a fully separate household? I forget the trendy name for the thing where a divorcing couple maintains their primary residence and a nearby studio apartment, and basically trade off while the kids stay put in the main house.

          I can’t imagine room-mating with someone I’m planning to divorce, even amicably, for 5 years!

          1. Bird nesting! Could be an option for a limited period of time (1-2 years) while other things are sorted.

          3. As someone who bought a house where the couple had nested for a couple years before the sale, I’m here to tell you that if you do this, make decisions upfront about home care and maintenance. It’s not good for anyone involved if the adults just pretend not to notice that there are huge maintenance issues (like leaks, etc.) because they are only there for a couple of days before moving out again.

        3. I am never one to tell people that they can afford what they firmly believe they cannot; however, you likely cannot afford *your current standard of living* for two households.

          Here’s a hint: almost no one can, and people get divorced all the time anyway.

          If your current city is too expensive, why not both of you hire lawyers, pick out a different place to live, and move? Massachusetts is too expensive? Go to New Hampshire or Rhode Island.

          Maybe you both end up living in town houses instead of a nice big house with a yard. That’s okay.

          Crappy childhoods are far tougher on kids than being merely middle class, not upper middle class.

          Now, if you’re pulling in a combined five figures in a HCOL area, that’s another issue entirely.

          1. When my parents divorced, my mom had been a SAHM for 10+ years, dad was a doctor, MCOL area. Here’s how it worked from my 12 year old POV:

            1. I knew something was up for at least a few months before my parents actually told us anything.
            2. they announced the divorce, dad moved into a bedroom in our basement for a month or two
            3. dad rented a room nearby. literally a room, like someone put an exterior door on either side of an inlaw suite in their house and rented it out. He had a bathroom and a little hotplate and mini fridge in the closet. Siblings and I would go hang out with him during the day but usually did not sleep there (and if we did, it was slumber party style in sleeping bags).
            3. parents sold our big house, mom moved into a smaller house in a less fancy neighborhood still in our suburb & school district. my younger siblings had to change elementary schools for the next school year, but NBD. Dad went back to working at the hospital for higher pay (he’d switched to family practice, I think in a bid for more regular hours to save the marriage, but that obvs didn’t work) and rented a small house nearby for a year or so before he bought a house in the hospital’s large city 30-45 min away. I think it was actually bigger than my mom’s, but a more blue collar area. My mom had primary custody and we lived with her. We’d stay with my dad occasionally on the weekends, but we didn’t maintain any kind of second home there. He would come hang out with us near where we lived during the week, especially once my mom was going back to school to get a teaching degree (since my dad was never really going to be a very hands-on parent and she decided that teaching was the only career that worked as a solo parent for three school age kids). I remember telling people how much more time I spent with my dad once my parents were separated. I don’t know what happened behind the scenes, but they were respectful and amicable in front of the kids, and maintain a cordial, friendly relationship to this day. It was a shakeup, and it hit my little brother pretty hard for the first year, but both my parents were better people when they weren’t trying to live together.

            All that to say, you can plan this in phases, but you don’t have to have everything all the way solved before you take some concrete steps. And the living separately phase can (and probably should, for everyone’s sake) happen sooner than 5 years from now, even if you need to get a little creative.

        4. I hear you, and this sounds like a very difficult situation. This board may not be the greatest place to get advice on this, since it might be hard for the average commenter here to imagine not being able to afford a divorce.

          If you are already having enough trouble with each other that you know you don’t want to stay married, it sounds like you are now under three different sources of stress: (1) economic situation (bad enough on its own); (2) partnership on the rocks (makes #1 so much harder), and (3) whatever is going on with your kids that requires stability (which would probably be hard on its own even without #1 and #2). It seems like you hopefully have some alignment around working together on #3. Maybe the two of you can re-organize your relationship around being co-parents who temporarily share living arrangements, rather than spouses. However, given #1 and #2, this is a fraught endeavor, and you may need a contingency plan in case the two of you fail despite best efforts all around, or in case your husband decides to play unfair. I’m especially concerned about the last one, because men have been known to do that, whether they can realistically afford a divorce or not, and it would leave you in such a vulnerable position. Please keep us posted as this develops!

          1. I totally agree that there are actually folks who can’t afford divorce, but I think it is fair to push back on that idea a bit. I’ve met folks who can’t afford a divorce, but those people certainly weren’t able to afford 5 years of couples counseling, so unless their financial situation dramatically changed recently they can probably afford a divorce, just not comfortably.

      2. OP didn’t ask if she and her husband should continue living together for 5 years; she asked about what they should do during that 5 years to be prepared to split.

        I agree that you want to consult a lawyer. The lawyer can help you understand your state’s matrimonial laws (both as they relate to financial issues and child custody). There may be some post-nuptual agreement you can enter into that will help you divide assets later. If either of you thinks you will receive an inheritance before you are divorced, how those assets are treated should also be discussed.

          1. Sure we *can* respond however we can. But you all are acting like this woman’s decision is a personal attack on you. What is the need to be so aggressively rude, and to someone who is already having a hard time?

            There’s a civil way to respond to someone you disagree with. I like coming to this site, but it’s attitudes like yours that poison the well.

      3. +1,000,000 to “consult an attorney.”

        If I were in your shoes, and things were amicable at the moment, I would start negotiating the financial terms TODAY. See an attorney, find out what your rights and obligations are. In my state, which is a community property state, it’s possible to declare yourselves separated (thus terminating the community so that all earnings are separate property going forward) even while living in the same house. Short of that, you may want to negotiate a postnup so you are clear on your rights going forward.

        And also? I don’t know you and your specific circumstances, but I know a lot of people, including myself, who wish they’d ripped off the divorce band-aid earlier. And I can’t think of a single one who wishes they’d waited longer. (And my husband, divorce lawyer for 40-plus years, agrees.)

    5. Y’all are being harsh. Although OP, I do agree that if it’s at all possible to speed up the timeline I would do that. It sounds like you’re being very thoughtful about this, and I know it’s hard. I’m thinking of you.

      1. totally agree. OP- i do think that you and DH need to at least set some parameters for this time period and depending on how old your kids are, like are you going to ‘pretend’ to be a family? like DH will still come to family holidays, no dating during this time period, etc. also – your kids might be more perceptive/suspect more than you think

        1. The kids always know. Or at least strongly suspect something. Especially if its a “wait until they’re out of high school” thing – teenagers are aware of the concept of tension in romantic relationships.

      2. I assume there is something serious happening with your kids and I am thinking about you. I had a close friend whose teen was put on hospice after years of cancer. She and her husband did this for about the last three years of the chemo and then hospice. They finally separated after the funeral.

        1. Thank you- I am super grateful that this isn’t the situation for us. My heart goes out to your friend.

        2. This is one of the only situations I can think of where putting off the divorce is a good idea, but it’s really important to call out in case OP is in such a situation. If that’s the case, none of the other advice is helpful at all.
          I would think that if you really can’t get divorced until your kid(s) make it through some difficult things, you really need to define exactly what the relationship is moving forward and the boundaries. It’s not a romantic or physical relationship, we’re roommates that have kids together. We are staying together until X thing. (If you can’t define X, maybe you should get divorced sooner. For example, in the above circumstance, they’re staying married until their child no longer has varying and intense medical needs.) Separate finances as much as possible as soon as possible. If your children are older, I might even let them know about the changing dynamic rather than having them watch and internalize some incorrect ideas about marriage, but that’s dependent on what they’re going through. Having more than one kid, make sure you’re considering all the kids’ wellbeing equally, not staying together because you think that’s best for A, but B and C would be better off if you split.
          Good luck, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

          1. No – the other reason to put off a divorce is if you are married to someone who is abusing you, and you know when you leave, your children will be subjected to abuse.

            Family courts do not award sole custody to either parent unless there has been sustained and repeated abuse. The legal costs of meeting the criteria without CPS involvement where they strongly recommend the children are removed from the abusive parent is $250k+. Not many people have that type of funding available. Leaving your young children in the hands of such a person (male or female) is madness and delaying a divorce is smart in this type of situation.

            If you or a loved one is in this situation the domestic violence agencies have legal help which is close to free. Also, put your children in therapy with someone experienced in complex trauma. The domestic violence shelters often have therapy services for the victim and children. Their therapists are trained specifically in these areas. When making charitable donations this time of year, please always remember the domestic violence charities.

            OP – Get any education completed that your need for your role and pay down debt aggressively. Put a lock on your credit profile so he can’t take debt out in your name. Good luck

    6. I understand the impulse to sacrifice as a woman since we’re socialized to do it but you’re getting the short end of this stick and you should value yourself more than that.

    7. You are going to seriously mess up your kids’ views on and potential to ever have healthy relationships. Do it now.

    8. You’re getting these comments because you’re saying what everyone says when they get divorced. I can’t afford it, kids are going through stuff, etc. Maybe your circumstances are truly so unique that your 5 year plan is the only thing that makes sense but… just know that there is never a convenient time to divorce. You’re never going to get to this magical place where you each have enough saved at exactly the same time to keep the same lifestyle. At best, one will be ready to go before the other, and will get tired of waiting. Dragging this out 5 years is almost guaranteed to make at least one of you hate the other.

      What you can do in the meantime is cut unnecessary expenses and figure out how to equitably divide child expenses, including things like gas money carting the kids around. He shouldn’t get to save at a faster rate because you’re the one bearing the brunt of kid expenses. Start separating finances. If you’re not already, switch off kid duties and get plenty of one on one time with the kids. This will be hard but it will be ok.

    9. soo.. this sounds like my own childhood and I strongly wish my parents had gotten divorced much earlier instead of waiting until we were ‘launched.’ like someone else said, it deeply messed up my views on a healthy relationship. I am skeptical you can agree on splitting up & stretch that out for years amicably. Kids know.

      If it’s something like – you have a great house with a low mortgage but neither of you can buy out the other – consider the bird nesting set up. Do the legal stuff now. What if you follow through on a higher paying job, your husband doesn’t & in 5 years you end up owing him marital support?

    10. My friend got divorced and continued to live in the same house for 10 years with her ex. Just different bedrooms. Worked great. They were too underwater on the house to sell.

    11. I want everyone who complains about “mansplaining” to remember this thread.

      OP has said that it is not practically possible for her and her husband to divorce now and it would not be in her children’s best interests. Here is a novel concept: Instead of deciding that you know her life better than she does, either answer her question or stay silent. She is not interested in sacrificing her kids’ best interests to her happiness, which is something to respect.

      OP – Talk to an attorney just to be sure you and your children are protected. For us to advise you, it would be helpful to know how old your children are the the reason for waiting. Are they graduating from high school in five years and you do not want to move them? If so, my advice would be different than if they are toddlers.

      1. Sometimes you need a kick in the pants from the chorus to do the right thing in your life.

  15. Another gift question. I need a gift for my 9 year old nephew that solidifies my rep as his cool aunt. Anyone with a nine year old boy have ideas? Up to or around $100 is fine budget wise.

      3. OMG I think a nine-year-old would totally lose their minds over that! (In a good way.)

    4. I had absolutely no idea what they were, but my 11 year old nephew asked for “Bey Blades” on his Christmas list.

      After researching it, they are fancy spinning tops that can be assembled into different configurations and then “battle” with each other (get launched next to each other to see which one knocks the other over).

      They seem to be big, but I don’t know if they are popular only in a particular niche.

        1. I disagree, 9 is a beyblades sweet spot. Source: my sons are 8 and 11 and have been obsessed with beyblades off and on for years.

      2. Thank you! I just ordered two sets for young men in my life who are.. maybe a bit older than anticipated by Hasbro, but I’m certain they will still enjoy these.

  16. i really wish masking hadn’t turned into such a thing. we had a really big meeting at work this week, so i am 100% sure why my boss came in person, but she was/is coughing, sneezing, hoarse, etc., and was concerned about how she’d be perceived if she wore a mask….and now half our team feels sick

    1. oh goodness. i think this is regional, though. In the DC area, I still see people with masks occasionally! I work a mask for a few days recently when I had a sneezing-coughing-but-not-feeling-terrible cold. Not to the office, since I had the option to just stay home, but around town running errands, taking the kids to their activities, and to my adult ballet class. No one looked askance at me.

      1. It must be regional. I wear a mask in crowds. I’m in CA. These days when I see someone masked, I assume they’re sick, and I’m grateful for the signal.

    2. I’m a musician and have noticed that a fair number of professional musicians are still wearing masks to rehearsals, along with a smaller number of serious amateur musicians. I think it’s because we realize the importance of staying healthy and of not getting our colleagues sick. Wearing a mask is not a legitimate barrier to communication. If I can follow a masked conductor even though facial expressions are a huge part of how conductors ordinarily communicate, then surely the passive-aggressive barista should be able to understand my coffee order through a mask.

    3. We need to direct the social stigma at the people who show up sick, not at the people who are wearing masks to protect themselves and/or others.

    4. I wish someone in the room had just put a mask on; maybe she would have felt less weird about it if she wasn’t going to be the only one.

      1. I put a mask on whenever I am near someone sniffling or coughing and it never prompts the sick person or anyone else to do the same.

      4. This is what I do — always have a mask handy and put it on if I am around a crowd indoors or if someone is hacking and sneezing near me. Also, on public transportation, and in retail stores if they are crowded. Masks work!

    5. I’m still masking indoors and so are my husband and son.
      For a while, we told white lies to people who asked (like saying we are vulnerable – I have a number of health issues but probably not more than 90% of the population).

      But now when someone asks we just say that we don’t want to be sick during this time of year.
      Works great as an answer on work trips, conferences where lots of people travel etc…
      I know I’m the weird one sitting by the open windows in restaurants, paying attention to CO2 levels, masking at social gatherings, … But so far I’ve not had Covid, and we test often.

      A family member got Covid visiting us in the summer (they live on another continent), and the logistics and costs of isolating them in a hotel, not to mention the disappointment because we couldn’t do fun stuff together as planned… Egoistically, I don’t want that for me or my family again. 5 years of no sickness have been awesome.

  17. Looking for fun, off the beaten track things to do in the Washington DC, Maryland leaning, area. Now that my kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, my friend and I would like to have regular nights out. Neither of us drink, though we do like good food. We like both crafty and active things. Also – preferably free, cheap or below $75 for each of us, though we’d be okay spending more if it sound really interesting. We’d also be up for hosting events, if anyone has ideas of fun ways to gather. I think, as we look to the new year, we’re feeling like we want to try new things in 2025.

    1. Merrypin is a craft store that hold regular lessons (check their website, I think is just merrypindc).

      Urban Winery in Silver Spring sometimes has sip ‘n paint events, but I haven’t found their calendar to be great for figuring out when. I think they also host yoga classes.

      There’s a ropes course somewhere around Olney, I think, that I’ve always wanted to try.

    2. I’d look into after-hours programming at DC institutions:
      -Live! at the Library of Congress (free, with snacks & drinks available for purchase)
      -National Gallery Nights (lottery system free tickets)
      -GW Corcoran School Events
      -National Museum of Women in the Arts (paid, but occasional community days)

    3. Try taking a class together at a local craft store! They usually have some that are either all-in-one-session or a short series and then you go home with your project.

      also, the birthday party factories like zava/sky zone and laser tag places sometimes have adults only sessions in the evening. I haven’t tried one yet, but in a couple years when I can leave my kids home at night…

      Not helpful in the winter, but once it’s light in the evening again, there are tons of short local hikes in the DC suburbs, and also free summer concerts outdoors at various golf courses and gardens.

    4. Depending on the types of crafts you guys enjoy, you might like the textile museum at GW.

      Also search on this website: craftcouncil [dot] org/national-directory/

    5. The DC area has a really strong community theatre culture and you can see some really great shows for a very reasonable price (like $30 a ticket).

      1. Can confirm!

        And, if you have the time, most community theater groups are always looking for volunteers to help backstage or with ushering, etc. I did that for a few years and it was very fun.

    6. The National Portrait Gallery and the Smithsonian American Art Museum(which back on each other) are open until 7 pm.

  18. I have some vacation days I need to burn before year-end and will be traveling solo. I’m thinking about taking a couple of days the week of the 16th – anyone have any good suggestions for a relaxing 2-3 day solo trip somewhere? I’m in Houston, but happy to fly somewhere if it’s a direct or short flight. I’m also doing a Mexican resort in January in a few weeks, so Mexico/Latin America is out and I’d probably prefer cold weather over warm given we’re finally out of shorts weather here in Houston.

        1. San Diego isn’t reliably warm this time of year. Forecast for that week is mid-to-high 60s, which is about the same as it will be in Houston.

    2. NYC for holiday festive shopping and taking yourself out for fancy drinks? Ski town? Cabo for a different Mexico vibe with cooler temps?

    4. Washington DC. There is a good Impressionist exhibition at the National Gallery. Go to some other exhibit or musical/ theatrical event. Shop! Eat! Have fun.

    5. Salt Lake City and the surrounding ski resorts.
      For something warm instead, different friends like Austin and Tuscon, but I haven’t been to either.

    6. Washington, DC, New York, Boston — basically, any major big city with a walkable downtown area and public transportation that has a non-stop flight from Houston at an affordable price. I would suggest considering Washington, DC, for the various museums that don’t charge an entry fee and that might not be overrun with crowds in the middle of the week before the holiday rush. Enjoy!

  19. Please help me understand what to do next. I posted before: My parents contracted with a middleman company to build a modular ADU. They failed to get the contract reviewed by a lawyer and long story short they paid nearly half a million dollars. The middleman outsourced to a factory that was a scam and closed. Middleman found another factory. The new factory appears legit and had previously confirmed on the phone with me that the order exists but the house is not in production due to some missing items. Since then, we got a garbled message from the middleman saying the house will be ready early next year and zero other contact. We asked for proof of contract or delivery date, nothing. Factory picks up the phone but says we must communicate with the middleman regarding status. Everything is in different states (parents vs middleman vs factory), the contract requires arbitration in the middleman state which is on the wrong coast. The original contract was signed two years ago. Zero milestones or delivery dates in this contract. Factory 1 scam was discovered in Feb this year. It’s been six weeks since the garbled message. What should we do next? Some things that have come to mind: file a police report; hire a PI – can they get the status from the factory; ask lawyers to write a strongly worded letter; sue. What is the best path?

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