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Notagirl
One of my old friends back home started a small law ffice/practice. What can I get her to celebrate that? Cannot be food or booze or flowers, I’ll be visiting her in Old Country this summer so it has to be something I can take with me. I would really apreciate both general category suggestions and specific brands/items. If you were in her shoes what would you like to get?
Anon
What about a pair of nice business card holders? One standing one for her desk and an enclosed one for her purse.
Shelle
I got this for a friend recently. Leatherology business card holder with her monogrammed initials. They have other nice office products.
aBr
Antique silver cigarette cases are perfect for business cards. Be sure to check the measurements as some run a bit small, but most fit the cards just right. Makes a good conversation piece too.
Anonymous
Can you get her some food, booze or flowers once there or ship to her beforehand? A lot of folks really prefer consumables if nothing personal comes to mind.
Anonymous
Just wanted to say thank you for all the helpful , compassionate responses for me yesterday (first weightloss OP).
Forced air heating
We live in a split foyer house from the early 70s. The heating system is forced air with an oil furnace. The prices of fuel are really making us reconsider this, and electricity is cheap here but we get really cold spells in winter. Does anyone in the Midwest or Canada have experience with different fuel for forced air heating systems – do you have electric furnace or thermal pump and how warm do they keep things, do they warm up the entire house, do you use them solo or combined with another fuel source, any comments after making a switch?
Forced air heating
And thermopompe is a heat pump, sorry for the confusion…
Emma
I’m in Quebec and our friends are gushing about their thermopompe so we are looking into one too! I’ve heard very good things. I hate forced air heating, it’s loud and dries out the air. The upfront cost is a lot though, but apparently it’s worth it later.
AnonMom
Northern Midwest US with real winters here and I would absolutely go with a new, current modern day heat pump if it were in my budget. They are light years ahead of the ones that did a mediocre job of things decades ago, as long as you get one that is properly rated for your location and specific home. I know several people in my region who have installed them in the past 5 years or so and they LOVE them. The upfront cost is extravagantly high compared to a new gas or propane furnace, though, which is why they are not terribly common here yet.
Anon.
My parents put in a geothermal heat pump in the early 90s when they built their home and continue to love it.
Anon.
Should have added, they are climate zone 6. Real winter.
anon
We have a traditional wood fireplace and a gas fireplace (Heat n glo, which I highly recommend – great ambiance and shocking amount of heat – splurge for the model with the fan you can turn off and on.) While we use the wood fireplace and are glad to have it, the gas is used more and that is probably what I would suggest. Another option to consider is a wood stove insert for the fireplace – not as pretty, but way more practical. We find the wood fire doesn’t do a great job creating heat for our room, and on very cold days actually cools the house a bit.
Forced air heating
Sounds like heat pump is the way to go – thank you so much everyone, this has been incredibly helpful! And thanks for the fireplace comment in here too :) I am actually the same poster, just put different handles to facilitate reading/colapsing the two topics.
Oh so anon
I’m in Canada and we have a heat pump. It keeps our entire house warm except on the very coldest days, maybe five per year. We have a backup furnace (hydro) for those few days. It is much cheaper than using natural gas or hydro all the time.
Fireplace
Another heating-relater question:
We are looking into upgrading and bringing to code and old fireplace. We will have to go with an insert. The choice is between wood and propane. Any real-life experiences – which one do you prefer and why do you like it? It will be mostly for ambience but also a back-up heat source when electricity fails in winter, which happens.
Anon
A fireplace should not be considered a backup heat source. Almost all the heat goes straight up the chimney. It’s ambiance only. If you want a backup heat source, you need a wood (or pellet) stove. They’re not on trend, looks-wise, but are pretty nice to have when you need one.
Anon
Depends on your house and where you live. We have a propane gas fireplace that is absolutely the primary heat source.
NW Islander
I’m sorry but this is not true at all. When our furnace went out during a frigid week in Indiana, nobody could come to fix it due to the roads being impassable. We built up a fire in our fireplace insert and within a couple of hours our 4000sf house was over 80 degrees and we had to tamp down the fire. Ditto our 2400sf home in the PNW now. A fire gets the house to 80+ very quickly with the thermostat set to 70.
Anon
Maybe almost all the heat leaves the house, with the result that it’s a wildly inefficient heat source, but it will absolutely heat up the house.
Anon
Propane is cleaner, but you may have run a gas line to the fireplace if you don’t have one there already.
I diy mine by setting an electric fireplace insert ($200ish Amaz on) into the wood burning fireplace insert and taping up the flue. It didn’t set me back the $8-9k I was quoted for redoing the entire thing
Anonymous
We have a gas fireplace that puts out a shocking amount of heat.
BeenThatGuy
Me too. I converted from wood to gas and am shocked how much we use it now compared to before.
Anonymous
We took out a wood fireplace and have a propane one. It puts out enough heat to keep the house from freezing if we lose power and to keep the kitchen/living room area quite comfortable. We also use it regularly in the winter to warm up the kitchen/living room area when getting ready for work without having to turn up the heat in the whole house (heat pump).
asthmatic
I have a gas fireplace. It’s easy, no ashes to clean or logistics of getting sufficiently seasoned wood delivered/stored to sort. I definitely recommend over wood for ease of use.
If you live in a city or suburb, I recommend gas/electric over wood to be kind to your neighbors.
In the Bay Area, home wood fires are a leading source of winter air pollution. So much so that the air on a lovely winter night can be unhealthy for children and others in sensitive groups just because of wood fires. When the air gets too bad in the region, wood fires are prohibited. However, even well before that level, loads of people can’t walk outside without risking as asthma attack or other ill effects. As an asthmatic, I don’t like not being able to go outside because a few households chose to burning wood for ambience.
Anon
+1… except that the air quality is so bad that it even affects the indoor air (I’m a renter so I can’t do anything about the terrible windows). It’s incredibly unpleasant and though I live in the bluest of blue areas, there are no restrictions on wood burning.
Anon
For ambience, nothing compares to a wood fire. However, gas is obviously easier. I think its mostly personal preference – if you don’t mind building and tending to a fire, I’d go wood. If you want the convenience of flipping a switch, I’d go gas.
anon
Being a bad environmentalist… If you think you will/may want wood, I would do it as this may be your last chance. You can also do wood, with a gas starter (so much easier for getting things going) that can easily be converted later on. Lots of places are outlawing wood burning fireplaces, including in my relatively red state. We have a natural gas fireplace and it puts out enough heat that it makes up for big open two story living room heating woes.
Anon
You can also buy a woodstove (maybe fireplace, too – I’ve never looked) with a catalytic converter. That, combined with only burning good, well-seasoned wood goes a long way toward reducing pollution from wood burning.
Betsy
Yes! I don’t know much about fireplaces, but wood stoves can be a very environmentally friendly option, especially when you take into account that the fuel source was renewable – a growing tree rather than gas. There’s actually a tax credit for the next two years (26% this year and 22% next year) for installing wood stoves that meet environmental standards. There are some beautiful wood stoves out there – soap stone stoves immediately come to mind, but there are some lovely enameled cast iron ones too.
Aunt Jamesina
But natural gas is also likely to be phased out in certain areas (not soon, but I can see this happening eventually).
Thistle
There is a massive difference between a fire for ambience and one that can heat a room properly. I have no experience of a wood fire, but I have a UK mains gas fire that is the main source of heat in the open plan reception rooms.
At least in the UK, fires that are put up for ‘the look’ tend to be mains electric and only chuck out ambient background heat (perhaps 1kW). Gas fires can chuck out real heat in a closed system without any sort problems. Here it’s a mains gas mix which is methane plus some other hydrocarbons. You can easily get a fire that emits 5+kW (or higher if you go big). The heat output will also depend on how you vent them. If its a modern flue inside an older chimney then it will lose some heat out the flue. I’ve got a back venting flue which goesvout the rear wall. There are small grates high in the wall to let the heat from the flue back into the room.
Anon
I might be your ideal respondent, as my house has two propane fueled fireplaces and two wood burning fireplaces. We use the propane ones a ton, and the wood burning ones rarely but when we are really missing the snap, crackle pop. When the power goes out, the propane ones are worthless; the wood burning fireplaces generate a little, very localized heat. We do not have fireplace inserts or fans in any of the fireplaces.
Fireplace
Thank you all for the responses!
Anon
While we are on the topic of heating questions…
Anyone have an opinion of what type of backup generator I should get for my house?
I have small kids, and power outages due to storms happen in the winter. I’m looking to keep the gas furnace, fridge, kitchen area running.
BeenThatGuy
I have a generator that hooks up the a natural gas line. I had to have a gas line installed at the back of the house plus some work on the electrical panel. Once it’s hooked up to the gas, I throw the main breaker on the box and switch on the areas I want to power. Super easy and I never have to search for gasoline.
anon
I have a few home batteries plus a tiny solar installation for backup power. I love it—uninterrupted power (batteries take over automatically when the grid is down), it’s clean, compact, and I don’t have to worry about fuel/exhaust.
It’s pricey, but with the small solar installation and tax credits, it’ll eventually pay for itself.
anon
Think about the exact problem you are solving – is it outages of a few hours? Or more likely to be a day+ at a time if there is a bad storm. Many smaller generators would struggle to meet your needs just due to the logistics of what you want to run – I imagine your furnace isn’t anywhere near your kitchen, and a fridge plug is usually hard to move to a different outlet for power purposes. You probably want something that hooks into your panel, which means $$$ and effort.
Anon
My house has several outages a year of several hours to maybe 24 hours, occasional outages of 2 days, and since I have been in the house, 2 outages of 7+ days. When my power is out, I cannot cook (electric) and have no running water or working toilets. At the start of covid and school and working from home, we added a propane-fired generator which is wired into the electrical panels. It handles the whole house for everything major, but cycles on and off for certain appliances. It turns on automatically when the power goes out and turns on automatically when the power returns. I am so happy with it, and we have had at least 8 incidences of 8 hours or more without power in the 2 years since installation. Everyone might not need this, but it works for our situation.
Nesprin
I love my Tesla power walls. The 2 of them can run my house (gas furnace/water heater fyi) for 3+ days.
anon
I’m 43 and have been taking Zoloft for about 3 months now. First time in my life to take any antidepressant. My doctor said that Zoloft is less likely to cause weight gain, however, I’ve noticed my weight has crept up slightly. It could be other factors, but I wondered if any of you taking Zoloft have experienced weight gain, and if so, it is not possible to lose it or maintain your weight while taking it? I’m only taking 50 mg but thinking about increasing my dose. Not sure if that will make it even more difficult to lose and maintain weight.
Anon
I’ve been told by doctors that antidepressants don’t cause weight gain and IMO that is bullshit. That said, the positive benefits of the meds were worth it.
Woof
I have been on Zoloft for 20 years…I am now at 150 mgs a day. In my experience, a data point of one person, it does not cause weight gain. But I do think that people with depression crave carbs a lot, and there is research on this as it is tied to serotonin levels, so there is that.
Anon
My experience is that Wellbutrin caused me to lose weight and Zoloft caused me to gain it back. This was also what my doctor told me could happen, and are widely known as the side effects of both drugs. Unfortunately I also developed an underactive thyroid before I went off the Zoloft, which caused significant weight gain as well, so I can’t speak to whether it’s possible to lose weight while taking it.
Carla
Same with Wellbutrin. I looked up, and the research suggests that people lose about 5 pounds, which is what happened for me both times I started wellbutrin (with a gap of some years in between)
anon
I’ve taken Zoloft for about 5 years now, anywhere from 50 mg to 100 mg. While my weight has fluctuated in the past two years, I’ve never had reason to believe Zoloft was the reason. The real reasons were bad habits (too many empty carbs), birth control pills (happened almost immediately), and the *%$#@ pandemic and associated stress eating.
Anonymous
I lost weight on Zoloft, so not my experience. But I am a big stress eater and Zoloft reduced my anxiety, and it also helped me sleep better so there was less late night snacking.
anon
same
anon
I lost weight on Zoloft. Not because of the Zoloft per se but because I had more energy for things like planning a decent meal rather than stress eating ice cream because cooking was overwhelming.
Anon
I took Zoloft for five years. I went from 125 to 130 pounds. I also experience immediate lactose intolerance, which last at least a full year. I found myself sleeping 9-9.5 hours a night (took the pill at night), no alarm, went to bed at a regular time and woke up at a regular time.
anon
I use tretinoin at night but I’m not sure how much to put on. Should it be a thick layer that sinks in over a few minutes or a thin layer that sinks in right away?
Anonymous
My derm told me to use a pea-sized amount for my entire face.
Anon
Yep, I’ve been using tret for years and this is the answer. A veeery thin layer over your whole face.
anon
+100000
Anokha
Pea-sized amount is what I was told too (and what all the instagram derms say!)
pugsnbourbon
Pea sized-amount dotted all over your face and gently massaged in.
good luck
Oh, my god… just thinking about putting a thick layer made me shudder. My entire face would turn red and peel off, if this is prescription strength tretinoin.
Yes, the pea sized amount is correct.
Anonymous
How do you support a friend who is having an affair with a married man? I’d like to set boundaries with her as I find it hard when she’s acting excited about this relationship when I really don’t agree with it. To complicate things her husband passed away about ten years ago and she won’t discuss or entertain therapy. She’s convinced he will leave his wife which I highly doubt. I know if I say I don’t want to hear about it as I don’t agree with it we will end up falling out, and I want to be available to her when it inevitably goes wrong. We live in different time zones now and usually communicate by email/text.
Monday
I have a very close friend who used to do this as a pattern. There was a span of almost 10 years when she just kept getting involved with men who were married or seriously coupled. And this was plain old cheating, not ethical non-monogamy where the partners were informed or anything of that kind.
We were, and remain, very close, so I was able to be real. I said things like “I don’t know what else to say” and “I’m sure you can understand why I’m not excited about this.” When she tried to minimize or rationalize, I did not play along. I didn’t stop her from talking about it, but I didn’t make it all that fun either.
This kind of behavior just needs to burn itself out, I think, but your instinct is right that you want to be there when it “inevitably goes wrong.” You will find the line to walk between signing off on destructive behavior, and shaming. If you walk this line and she still gets angry at you, that’s ok. She will either come back around to you later, or else she really is prioritizing her married boyfriend over you, long-term. There’s nothing you can do if it’s the latter.
Anon
If it were me I would tell her I don’t support this and don’t want to hear about it. I would continue the friendship if she was willing to avoid this subject with me but I think cheating is really gross and wouldn’t want to be supporting a friend who is knowingly involved with a married person.
Anon for this
+1 Frankly, I had an affair with a married man many years ago. When I told my best friend, she laid into me. Honestly, her reading me the riot act was the best thing for me. Soon after, I ended the affair and never did anything like that again. Also, my friendship with her never skipped a beat and I’ll always be grateful to her for that harsh conversation that I really needed to hear.
Monday
I feel this means that your friend correctly assessed that you could handle the truth. That’s ideal, and it’s also ideal that you got out of the dynamic quickly and permanently. I do think this scenario is the exception rather than the norm. But again, good for both of you.
Anonymous
+1 this is definitely the exception. Humans are stubborn. Most people do not have the self awareness to openly accept the truth and improve. Just look at this blog’s affair poster (the one who is convinced the dude will leave his wife and 2 kids), she posted many threads and was met with near unanimous feedback, yet still kept up the delusion.
Sunshine
I think your response is a wonderful reflection of who you are. I applaud your friend for speaking up and, even more so, you for hearing her and being introspective about what she said.
anon
What a kind response Sunshine, and 100% on point.
Anon
+1 I couldn’t support my friend who was doing this bc I thought it was very wrong. Kids were involved and it was a hot hot mess for a while. Eventually we reconnected (they got divorced from their spouses and got married to each other) and everything is great now but while the affair was happening, I couldn’t support her in the way she needed/wanted.
Sunshine
I had this experience also and told my friend that I was not willing to be part of her life while she actively was having an affair with someone who was married. We didn’t see each other for the duration of the affair, and I was not sure there would be any relationship between us ever again. After the affair ended, we reconnected and we now have a great friendship. However, the affair is a topic we still do not discuss because it is an issue we still see very differently.
Anon
You can separate the morality part out and just tell her that you love her and want what’s best for her and this relationship doesn’t seem like it will be good for her in the long term. If she balks and insists on sharing the details, you might need to distance yourself but let her know that you are always there for her if she needs you.
anon
+1. And if it continued, I would personally have to distance myself for my own sanity, because there’s no way I could pretend to be supportive while she’s still messing around with a married dude and sharing the details and acting like a lovestruck teenager.
Woof
I think you are getting good advice here, but I would add saying to her: “there is no happy ending here.” If he leaves his wife, and she finds out about the affair, she will be deeply hurt and devastated. And if there are children, even worse. And, now she knows she will be with someone who cheated on his wife. Is that who she wants to be with? Anyway, these situations never end well…
anon
+1. Last year, my BFF was dumped by her husband who was having an affair. He is still with the other woman, and the amount of hurt and devastation it’s caused has been sobering to witness. Those idiots broke up a marriage and there are kids involved. Nobody wins.
Anon
I don’t understand how you could love someone and have no compunction about permanently damaging their relationship with their kids. Lust, infatuation, any of those, but not the actual love that sustains a marriage.
For that matter, a man who is having an affair gets his gardening and his marriage – he doesn’t make any sacrifices but gives both women less than they deserve.
anon
I agree. I was the kid in this situation, and my mom and her affair partner are still together nearly 30 years later and have a daughter together. I know my mom and her husband have this fantasy of being a happy perfect family and being viewed by their church community and others as such, but it’s a weird thing that they have to deal with forever. It’s not a good situation even though everyone (including me) is polite about it and a great source of anguish for them. I am honestly not sure what they expected.
Anonymous
“Katie, I don’t support this relationship and I don’t want to hear about it.”
Anon
This sounds harsh but this is what I finally had to do when a friend of mine got into a relationship with a guy who was engaged to someone else and in addition was a huge a-hole to her. She kept trying and trying and basically transformed who she was to try to make the relationship work, and I just watched her get more and more desperate over time as he treated her like garbage and refused to leave his fiancee. The whole thing was a hot mess and I got to the point where if I heard his name – like, not even referencing him; just in general – I’d get angry. I finally had to tell her a version of the statement above – I love you and always will, but this dude is bad news and he is bad for you and I can’t hear you talk about him any more. We didn’t talk for awhile but she eventually came to her senses and dumped the guy and then got with a very nice man who is the opposite of everything the a-hole was.
Anon
You can support her when it inevitably ends and not support her while she’s involved with a married man. Tell you don’t want to talk about the relationship and if she balls just say something along the lines of I’m uncomfortable hearing about your relationship ship with a married man. If you are unwilling to stop discussing it with me I understand and maybe we can re connect when things change.
Celia
I agree with the advice on this thread. Tell her you care deeply about her and will always be there to support her in times of need, but that you don’t want to hear and cannot pretend to be morally okay with this action and do not want to hear about the affair.
This is not a situation either where a friend is just living her life — this is a choice by her and the married person to do something that may cause real and lasting harm to other people. My father did this to my mother, and it wrecked my mother and permanently damaged his relationship with his kids (though this was not, by a long long long shot, the worst thing he did, sadly), as well as his relationships with every member of my mother’s family and many friends. My husband’s father did this to my mother-in-law, and she is STILL devastated fifteen years later, plus while my husband and his siblings have rebuilt a relationship with their dad, they will never see past how their stepmother came into their lives, and they are civil but I don’t think can develop true affection for her after what this put their mom through. And I’m certain his friends feel shades of this too and that it cost him friendships; it also cost him any civil relationship with the in-laws he’d had for the prior 25 years. This is a moral transgression with real costs to other people, and even if they end up together in the long run — and that is a biiiiiiig if in these situations — it won’t be baggage-free. Also, this happened to me and my husband when we were adults — I can’t fathom how much worse it might have been to watch our family implode and see our moms go through this experience if we had been younger. So I really, really hope he doesn’t have young kids.
Good luck navigating — sounds like you’re trying to be a true friend, and your friend is lucky to have someone who will support her while being honest.
Seventh Sister
Honestly, I’d try to move off of the subject in conversation and stay more or less in contact depending on how much you feel like talking about it. I’ve disliked plenty of people that my friends have been involved with, but I never had any luck trying to convince them to stop seeing someone. Staying in contact and being supportive, even at a distance, has been the only thing that helped in that situation. I was in a really terrible relationship with someone who was married but separated, and I’m quite grateful that my friends were there when I finally realized that I had to extricate myself.
Anon
“You’re my friend and I love you, but I cannot support you in this.”
SSJD
SAKS is providing terrible customer service. They incorrectly processed a return in March (refunded me less than the correct amount). I have been in touch many times, and they just keep sending emails saying a request was made or they will review. Then they finally sent an email April 29 saying it was resolved, and I’d get the additional refund. But they never actually paid it!
Don’t shop at SAKS!!
Any advice on reaching competent customer service people there?
Cat
Girl, it is long past time to dispute this via your credit card.
SSJD
I finally tried. They now say that too much time has passed. Lesson learned!
Anon
Are you sure? Did they deduct shipping? Did you bundle separate returns into one package?
SSJD
I’m pretty sure they made the error here. I purchased two items together. They had two different prices. When I returned them (together in one shipment) they issued to refunds, both at the $$ value of the lower item. Their email to me about processing the return indicated that they returned each item correctly (each at its purchase price), but the PayPal correspondence lists two returns (both at the value of the lower priced item) and the amount PayPal gave my AmEx account are both at the value of the lower priced item. I think SAKS messed up.
Anon
Sounds dumb, but have you talked to someone on the actual phone, not just email? I have gotten a lot farther calling customer service vs using chat/email in general. If you’re not getting anywhere you can also (politely) ask for a manager as well who may be able to do more for you.
SSJD
Agree, and I tried. Got me no where.
Anonymous
In similar situations I’ve just called multiple times until I got a customer service representative who was willing to take action.
shopper
Agree you need to talk to a manager on the phone. Or sometimes you can get their attention by tweeting a complaint (I wouldn’t get too specific, just a short verison of what you wrote here), but I don’t know if that applies to Saks
Agreed
I agree with not shopping at Saks. I ordered a pair of $500 shoes there and they showed up with one shoe being damaged from wear (I assume it was on display). The options they gave me were to return and rebuy a pair (being out the extra $500 during their slow rerun process) or get a credit for the damage. I had the same exact issue happen at Bloomingdales and they were willing to immediately ship a replacement at no charge while the damaged pair was in transit back. They also offered to give me a credit instead, which I accepted since by that point I didn’t have time to wait for another pair.
Anon
Sorry no advice but I’ve also been subjected to SAKS horrible customer service many years ago and promised myself never to shop there again and have not done so since. I think they just don’t care how they treat their customers.
mAnon
Perspective needed from the hive. Really keen to tap into your collective wisdom for the first time.
Health: i have had a new condition for a year that does not allow me to walk anymore beyond some simple house movements. I can try and spend a day in the office but usually struggle to do a second one. So all my life is now planned around this and I am pretending I can keep,going normally (eg travel for work but cross airports with wheelchairs…. ). But it is now really getting at me.
No one takes this seriously because it is something theoretically that can get better (ligaments weakness which is affecting both legs and all the Physio in the world is not making any lasting difference) and it just muscoskeletal issues and I have had myself much more serious stuff in the past.
But still…no one knows if it will fix itself or I will just move to a wheelchair gradually from here.
I think I know what I need to do medically, but not knowing if it will ever work and when (I had another disability for a number if years and is not even fully fixed) is causing me to be increasingly moody.
I keep having ups and downs. Some days I feel it is going to get better and then it reverses and I crash.
How do I cope with the uncertainty and do I keep going on with my life pretending nothing is happening and it is just an inconvenience or need to recognise I have to scale back for my mental sanity. Thank you!
anon
It sounds like you’re in a really challenging season. During those times, it is OK, even necessary, to scale back for a bit and recognize your new limitations. It doesn’t mean forever, but if you’re moody and worn out by trying to act like everything is fine, that’s a sign that something needs to change. I don’t have any great advice about how to handle this with your workplace, since there are so many unknowns, but this internet stranger is giving you permission to know your limits and try something different right now.
Anonymous
I am so very sorry. This must be really discouraging. I don’t have a full answer for you, but I do know that pretending nothing is happening isn’t a good pathway. Please take a break from any long-term life decisions to do what you need to for your mental health, and then, when you feel more stable, you can think more long-term.
Anon
I have nothing to offer but sympathy. I also have several health conditions that cause fluctuating levels of disability, and the uncertainty is really hard. It especially makes it hard to discuss with other people, because it’s so hard to explain. I think that’s really made me withdraw from a lot of my relationships or making new friends, because I’m impaired enough that I can’t really pretend there’s nothing wrong, but I also shy away from talking about it because it seems so complicated to explain and I worry about people judging me (unfortunately not an unfounded worry) and half the time I can’t even talk about it without starting to cry, which really makes things awkward with some people. But I don’t recommend this approach. Try to get a good support network of people you can be honest with.
mAnon
That’s exactly it…I am again in the process of cutting back from my closest friends as I did for my last illness because after a while you cannot answer properly to the “how are you” question without feeling like you are whingeing all the time or becoming too emotional, so I find it easier to cut contacts after a while….
In my previous experience I found good results with cognitive behavioural therapy also because just looking at the other people there, my experiences felt “normalised” which made me feel better. Maybe the time has come to start again…
I am sorry you also have to go through these fluctuations….I guess like me sometimes you also get these “you look so well today, are you ok now?” Or “so did you decide to have surgery?” well meaning comments at work which are so difficult to answer…..
Anon
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have a chronic health condition that, while less severe, has me constantly stressing if it’ll get worse. Meditation and mindfulness have helped me realize that trying to predict the future does nothing to help and is out of my control (easier said than done, I know). Two apps that have helped me have been Curable — meditation/education for treating chronic pain. Really interesting approach IMO. It helped a lot but truthfully I have kind of fallen off using it. 10% Happier – my chosen meditation app.
Anonymous
Thank you! Was just going through an airport earlier and you have inspired me into listening to meditations instead of stressing about all the delays and being moved around lik e a package. Will try Happier
Anonymous
Was just going through an airport now ans you have inspired me to listen to a meditation instead of stressing as I was shipped around for 2 hours in my wheelchair. It helped in “accepting” and make the experience more manageable. Will try Happier!
mAnon
Was going through an airport right now and you have inspired me to listen to a meditation instead of stressing as I was shipped around for a couple of hours in my wheelchair (all what could go wrong…did). Much more enjoyable. Will try Happier!
Anonymous
I’m not a lawyer so can’t advise on the work situation. But I have cancer and it helps to control what you can. Try not to think of the past and compare (I know, easier said then done). Instead try to set yourself up in the moment to succeed. Rework your daily routine to get enough rest, eat right and take breaks. Rely on helpers like shipping instead of shopping as much as you can. And at least for me, it has helped a bit to seek out others in the same boat. Seeing how people are coping with Stage 4 has made me a lot more appreciative of being Stage 2–like has completely changed my outlook. I feel almost guilty now feeling sorry for myself in moments when I know others with so much more on their shoulders are able to still find joy. It’s made possible outcomes less scary, I also don’t know if you’ve ever read anything by Deborah James but her ability to find purpose when diagnosed with a terminal illness is just so darn inspiring. So many lessons for all of us in living more deeply. She’s such a warm person, too. It’s made me feel less alone even though we’ll never meet. I hope you can find a similar light to help guide the path.
Curious
You have been a light for me, Anonymous. Strength in your journey.
mAnon
Perspective is everything and it is probably what I am missing the most now by focussing on what I have lost and a feeling of injustice and wanting to set everything “right again”…it is an endless fight I know I cannot win. And it feels like a waste of time compared to living more deeply as you say. Thank you for sharing your strength with me.
Will seek out Deborah, I have seen her in the news and she was so impressive!
CHL
I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. think this is definitely a therapy (mind not body) situation. Also, maybe Kate Bowler’s writings might be useful? She has a cancer thing that may just continue to give her tumors the rest of her life and she doesn’t really know when or why, etc. so a lot of it is trying to come to peace with that uncertainty. This might be a terrible idea (which is why a real therapist would be good), the book Designing Your Life is intended to help you think through many different futures in your life. Specifically, there’s an exercise called crazy 8s where you fold a piece of paper 3 times and wind up with 8 boxes and draw 8 versions of your life in 5 or 10 years. The first couple are easy but by 8 you have to get to some wacky ones. Like maybe there’s one where you end up in a wheelchair but you have to change careers to something that works for and you are spectacularly successful? Or maybe just fine… but either way, getting comfortable thinking about multiple outcomes.
Anon
I’m one of the people who posted above about also having chronic health conditions and I also liked Kate Bowler’s books. However, I found Meghan O’Rourke‘s book The Invisible Kingdom a lot more relatable when it came to depicting life with a fluctuating, unpredictable, and poorly understood condition.
mAnon
Meghan’s book bought! And watching her on you tube right now. Thank you!
good luck
The best way I have found to deal with the uncertainty is talking about it with others in a similar situation. “Normal” people will never fully understand. Look for online support groups (like this board) for your medical condition/similar condition.
Otherwise, keeping very busy mentally and controlling what you can with good habits (exercise you can tolerate, eating/sleeping well etc..).
mAnon
Completely agree on normal people. It is also what triggered my post today… I am cutting off normal people now….but still feel the need to discuss and learn..
I try to focus on doing the rest well… lost 2/3 stones dieting like crazy because at least this is in my control and it may help. On the rest I started with good intentions eg swim if I cannot walk…but my world gets smaller and smaller as also the things that I could fo get taken away….
But there is always something left, I probably need to reframe and stop obsessing about the losses
Wheels
It’s grief, learning to accept new limitations that might be permanent.
I mostly see my wheelchair as freedom-giving but I’m still often resentful that I need it.
Look after yourself and use all the mobility aids that make your life easier, as fighting can tire you out and make moods worse.
Have you seen an occupational therapist about finding the easiest ways to do things? I found occupational therapists to be amazing resources.
mAnon
Not yet or rather not again, I had a meh experience with my previous issue.
I think I need all the help I can get to make life easier and be more open in asking for it, also with the people around me. You are right more can be done and every little helps.
Thank you!
anon
In the summer, especially when it’s still warm at night, where do you set your AC? We are having some air conditioner wars at my house. Last night the thermostat was set at 75. I slept terribly last night because I was too warm, even in my lightest pajamas and only a lightweight blanket as cover. Ceiling fan was going, too.
Anon
I prefer to sleep in the cold, and the compromise with my husband is to keep it set to 70 at night. I used to turn it down to 65 but my husband called it “the winds of winter”, lol.
Anon in PHL
LOL
Anon
79. I’m not made of money.
Anonymous
It costs me around $100 extra per month to keep my bedroom at 70 at night and 72 during the day as compared with not running the A/C at all ever, even in the very hottest months. This is in a shoddily constructed, poorly insulated house in the SEUS with failing windows. I would give up a whole lot of other things before giving up my A/C.
ALT
I turn it down to 70-71…I am a hot sleeper regardless of weather and I also have two pets and a boyfriend sleeping in my bed so 70 degrees and a fan going is comfortable for us.
I would be literally dripping with sweat at 75! That’s warm for the day for me!
Anon
I don’t think our thermostat is very accurate but we normally set it at 75 overnight and sleep with ceiling fans. I too hate being warm at night.
Anon
We don’t have AC (CA) so on hot days, the bedroom is usually around 80 when we go to sleep and 75 in the morning. When I lived in the SEUS, we kept the AC at 78 during the day, 73 at night.
Anonymous
Is this a weird bay area thing? I grew up in SoCal and never heard of a home without A/C. My parents were too cheap to run it, but everyone else’s home was air conditioned. College dorms were not air conditioned and it was torture.
Anon
Yes it’s common to not have AC in the Bay Area. Until recently it was never hot enough that you couldn’t just sleep with open windows and get your house nice and cool (because even when it’s 90 in the day it’s 50ish at night). The fires complicate that, but also a recent thing.
Anon
I’m actually in SoCal, but on the coast. In my city, AC was virtually unheard of until quite recently. Some new places have it, but it’s still pretty rare. Walking around my neighborhood on a hot night recently, I only heard one AC unit out of ~100 places.
Anon
I should say, though, a hot night just isn’t that hot. It was 85 inside but had already cooled into the 60s outside and it’s not humid. It does get hotter later in the summer, but it’s still not that many days that I really wish I had AC.
NYCer
I grew up in an affluent beach town in southern CA and never had AC growing up (1980s). My parents have since moved to a new house in the same city, and it has AC. AC was pretty uncommon in our city in the 80s though.
Anon
I grew up in Los Angeles (one of the valleys) with no air conditioning at all. We opened the windows all night, closed ’em up during the day. We did have a few very large trees shading the house, but still. I even went to college in the South –no air conditioning there either. Just wear your undies in your room or go (clothed) to the library. People survived millenia without air conditioning…
Anon
I usually have no AC on during the day and set it at 74-76 just while I’m sleeping. I’m in the very muggy mid Atlantic.
Cat
Day, 72. Night, 66, and that is to sleep comfortably with only a sheet. (We have mini-split ACs, so only have the bedroom unit run at night, and only have the living room and office units run during the day.)
Anon
72 or 73 during the day, 69 or 70 at night. Small place, so the advantage is it does cost us a lot of money to cool 1,100 sq ft.
Anon
74 at night. It goes up to 76/77 in the day. Husband and I both wfh and my office faces south and gets so hot in the afternoon. Anything above 77 I’m really uncomfortable in my office even if the rest of the house is cooler.
Anon
During the day I’ll turn it up to 76 or just off with the windows open but at night I need it no higher than 74. If my bf is over I need it no higher than 73 because he is a heating pad.
PolyD
This is why it’s great to rent in a building that covered utilities. I keep my bedroom VERY a cold, like 65-67. Or maybe colder. I’m having some wicked hot flashes lately and keeping the room cold helps me get decent sleep.
I’m sure someone will come at me for not being environmentally conscious, but I will counter with the fact that because I live in an apartment, in the winter I rarely use the heat. My building is well-insulated and I can set the thermostat such that the heat kicks in only if it’s maybe in the 20s or colder outside (which, in the DC area has been pretty uncommon for the last few years).
Anonymous
70 at night. Any warmer and I can’t fall asleep then wake up repeatedly.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Agree. I prefer 69.
Anon
I prefer 73/74, my husband prefers like 64. We passive aggressively battle back and forth with adjustments constantly (not recommending this method, just reporting). Our kids sleep at 74.
Anon
Many homes in the northeast don’t have AC, so I’ve never actually had any degree of summer temp control. That said, above 80 is quite uncomfortable and above 85 growing up is when my parents would leave a window AC in their room going overnight and we’d all sleep in there, but even so that would probably only get it to high 70s. This may be a dumb question, but if you’re hot, why do you still have a cover on your bed? Usually in the summer we just sleep under the top sheet (or kick it off during the night) and that’s it. Also a cool shower and wet hair right before bed help a lot.
Anonymous
I usually don’t use AC at night unless it is high humidity and over 80 at night. If not, I wear short pajamas, sleep with just a cotton sheet, take a cold shower before bed, and turn the fan on.
Anonymous
Also like everyone else I love 62 degrees but it’s just wildly environmentally inappropriate so I cope.
Anon
Not like everyone else! What percentage of posters said they love 62? I would be miserable.
A
75 at night plus ceiling fan. We have cotton quilts from India. I also keep a linen sheet handy in case I need to toss the cotton one and use something lighter.
anon
I like to freeze (64-66), my DH does not, so we landed at 68/69 and he gets an extra blanket.
Diana Barry
70. I don’t use PJs in the summer and only a light blanket and that is the warmest I can tolerate.
Anon
76 during the day, 74 at night.
I can’t sleep with it above 74; I am perimenopausal and sleeping is hard enough as it is. I got linen sheets and “sleep cool” pajamas and all of that and I still need the thermostat at 74. We also run our ceiling fan all night and it doesn’t help; I need the thermostat lower to be able to sleep. Unfortunately we are just going to have to suck it up and deal with the energy bills.
PolyD
I’m going to recommend going to Loft and buying some of their linen tees, they are knit, not woven. They are very soft and breathable. As a fellow hot flasher, I find they are better for sleeping in the summer than any of the allegedly “cool” pajamas. I usually go through the sale section and find the ones that are real cheap, even if the colors are ugly! They hold up okay, I wash them in the machine on cold and hang to dry (if you put them in the dryer they will shrink!).
Anon
SEUS, so oppressive humidity is a factor. We keep the house set on 70° (the central air rarely runs because the house faces north and is heavily shaded by trees), and I have a window unit in the bedroom that I turn on at night set to 60°. We add the ceiling fan when we need to. Yes, we are both hot sleepers.
IL
In the summer, we keep it at 71 during the day and 68-69 at night. During the winter, we let it drop down to as low as 65 or 66 at night. We don’t mind the cold but can’t stand the heat. Luckily, I live in the mountains in the NE so I am not fighting the climate.
NYCer
We don’t run the AC at night, though we do sleep with fans.
anon
We keep our AC set to 68/69 in the bedrooms at night. SEUS. I would set it a couple of degrees warmer, but DH runs hot. We do have two thermostats, with a split AC system for bedrooms and living areas, so we can cool living areas more during the day and bedrooms more at night. We also have a house built for AC–1980s construction, brick facing, low ceilings, few and small windows, shaded porches, good attic ventilation.
Anonymous
Something to keep in mind with all these replies — I find the temperature on the thermostat and the “feels like” temperature in the room really vary with different kinds of houses, different rooms, different AC units, etc. We’re all telling you numbers, but what that number feels like in our bedrooms may different from what it would feel like in yours.
I’m freezing right now in my office, where the temp is set at 72. At home, if I set my (inadequate) unit to 72, I’m be easily comfortable during the day and too warm at night.
Senior Attorney
I’m gobsmacked by these replies! We generally don’t run the a/c at all at night because the noise wakes me up. And I keep the temp at about 74 when we’re awake and I feel like a big ol’ anti-environmentalist. Wow.
Anonymous
We do 75 at night so the kids sleep (pollen allergies so open windows are not great). Not shocked at the responses though. A/C at like 60-65 and everyone driving around in huge SUVs has got us to where we are on climate change but I don’t expect that to change.
Anonymous
Yeah I’m baffled too. I mean I know most of the readers here aren’t environmentalists, but apparently everyone is keeping their houses cold! I’m with you temperature wise, on really hot days we’ll turn on the air to 75 during the day but that’s only a handful of days a year and will otherwise rely on crossbreezes and fans.
Anon
I am shocked by these replies too. I live in MN and don’t have AC. Today it will be in the upper 90s. Tonight the bedroom will be warm, and we will just get through it.
Anonymous
I cannot “just get through it.” My academic performance and quality of life suffered so much living in a dorm in LA with no A/C. I during college. I basically never slept for four years, because during January and February when it wasn’t hot out there was heat blasting that we couldn’t control. Sleeping is difficult enough when it isn’t unbearably hot.
Anony
Same. I live in Northern New England and have one small window AC unit for upstairs that ONLY gets installed/turned on if it’s going to be Triple H’s (hazy, hot, humid) for more than 3 days in a row. I can’t stand the noise and the AC air. Never had AC growing up either. We just keep the windows open, pop extra allergy pills as necessary, and enjoy the fresh air wafting through the house haha
NYCer
Same here, I really didn’t realize so many people run AC at night. Especially set so low!
IL
I can’t speak for everyone, but for me there’s a balancing act between using the AC and conserving water. By keeping it cold, I only have to wash our sheets 1-2 times a month, and our towels get switched out weekly. If we didn’t have the AC on, we would each shower twice a day and I would be doing 2-3 loads of linens and towels every week from how sweaty and damp everything got. Our AC must be balanced out by the fact that we only use $50 worth of water over the course of three months, right?
anon
What’s your humidity like, though? If we opened the windows, that would absolutely not help the situation.
Anon
72, but that is the temp in our lowest level where the thermostat lives. The bedrooms are on the highest level and face south, so they are usually in the high 70s until well after the sun goes down. I like a fan with a timer so I can go to sleep with it on then have it shut off an hour later so I don’t freeze.
Cooktops
Apologies if this has recently been discussed, but how is everyone feeling about gas cooking ranges/ovens these days? We just bought a house that has one, but before that I’ve always had electric. Since buying the house I’ve encountered several news articles saying that gas ranges pollute the air inside the home, are bad for kids, bad for the environment, etc. and we should switch to electric. What say y’all?
Cb
I think when it needs replacing, it’s probably a good idea, but if the ventilation is decent, it’s okay for now?
Anon
This. I’ve had both and induction, and can cook great food on any of them. If money was no object, I’d probably go induction when my current electric range bites the dust at some point in the distant future.
Betsy
That would be my perspective, too – make the switch when it makes sense. My in-laws recently switched to an induction cooktop and that seems to be the best of both worlds. It has the responsiveness of gas with the safety benefits of electric. The downside is that all your cookware has to be magnetic (ie, not aluminum). Worked out for me because we inherited some of their nice pans that were not compatible! Enameled cast iron, stainless steel, etc are all fine. When my electric stove needs replacing, I plan to make the switch to induction.
Anon
You can take the gas range out of my cold dead hands. Electric is awful for cooking.
anonshmanon
Induction comes pretty close to the qualities of gas, it’s completely different from traditional electric.
Anonymous
Does it work when the electricity is out like my gas stove?
anonshmanon
no, I guess in that way it’s not completely different from traditional electric!
Anonymous
IDK I can’t imagine living somewhere with electricity cuts on the regular.
Anon
Same. I hate electric and it was a factor in my recent hunt for a new apartment.
anon
Same. Cannot compete with gas for cooking.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Same. And I hate the induction range I have now. Cannot WAIT until I can move back to a place with gas!
Anon
Electric is fine. It really is.
Anon 2.0
Same. I am not going down without a fight. My current home has a gas stove and I could never go back!
anon
I have a 10-year-old gas stove and if it died today, I would replace it with another. I suppose it’s possible that there are drawbacks, but I have lived with both types of ranges and there’s no contest about which one I prefer cooking with. That’s driving my decision more than the theoretical harms (which I honestly haven’t heard much about, so take it with a grain of salt).
Seventh Sister
This is the way I feel about our 15-yo gas stove, our water heater, and our lack of solar panels. If we had to replace the stove, the water heater, or the roof, I’d do something more environmentally friendly than our current situation for each. But because we aren’t rolling in dough and these things all work fine, I’m not updating for the sake of updating. (We do have a really good vent for the stove and the house itself is very breezy.)
Anon
There’s two issues here. The first is the immediate effect on indoor air quality, which can be mitigated by good ventilation. The second is that we need to switch our energy consumption away from gas and toward electricity, which will eventually come from mostly renewable sources. This is why it’s really important that any new construction be electric only. In an already existing house, there’s not a compelling reason to immediately replace your gas stove (assuming you’ve dealt with ventilation), but when the stove and heat and any other appliances reach the end of their lifespan, then you should strongly consider replacing them with electric version.
SFAttorney
Thank you for this. I haven’t researched it, but I recall hearing on the news that there are potentially harmful gas emissions even when the oven is off. Some jurisdictions are prohibiting gas in new construction for that reason.
I want electric
I used to love gas. I have a gas range and really want to replace it with an induction stove/electric oven combo.
The CO2 put out when cooking/baking is massive per my air quality monitor. Like, I should open windows even when just baking. I’ve been meaning to check about the more harmful gases, but have yet to buy the right equipment to check.
Anonymous
I would stick with gas stove that came with the house, but probably replace it with an induction stove in about 5 years. I completely disagree that all electric stoves cook as well as gas stoves, because it depends on the age of the stove. The electric stove I had in my old apartment shortly out of college (about 15 years ago) was ancient and horrible and took forever to heat up and cook anything; when I moved and the place came with a gas stove, cooking became so much faster and better tasting. Now if you had a modern electric stove, that might not apply.
Anonymous
Induction. Specifically from a European brand as induction has been popular there for longer.
Gas is better than regular electric but I vastly prefer induction to gas (having had all 3 in various apartments and houses over the years). We actually took out gas so I could get induction last year.
Diana Barry
Do they make induction wok burners? Like, shaped like a bowl so your wok can actually be heated on all sides? I am intrigued by induction for our next stove but if I can’t get a wok burner I will def stick with gas.
Anonymous
You can get either a wok basin induction burner (built in) or use one of the wok adapters.
Anonymous
I live in Texas where gas is king. I appreciated having a gas range during the power grid crisis in Feb 2021 as it allowed me to cook even when we didn’t have power. That said, I’m not a big cook. If you are concerned, perhaps just get an air quality monitor and open windows until you are at a point to replace? I much prefer cooking with gas than electric.
Quail
We are renovating our kitchen and replacing a really old gas stove with induction. Once I learned about the air pollution issue it was a clear choice for me, even though I do a lot of cooking and baking. I figure I can adjust my technique to avoid health issues.
Anon
I love gas and would not want an electric range. That said, I live in a place with a very dirty power grid — when and if that changes, I would consider switching to induction for environmental reasons. Living in a major city, I don’t think the worst contributor to my indoor air quality is the gas range…
Anon
I dislike gas because I can always, always smell it (in everyone’s kitchen — not a maintenance issue) and dislike the smell. I hate cleaning it and wish I had induction. However, my husband cooks more than I do, and he prefers gas. And the stove itself is Bosch which is nicer than what we would have paid for. So I’m keeping it.
I would need to see some very persuasive math on the environmental benefits of replacing an entire appliance that’s still working or repairable just because the new one is electric!
IL
My Dyson air purifier can detect when I am cooking anything on the gas stove, from all the way across the house and on a different floor. It’s wild. What I’ve read is that you should really use your hood vent (that vents outside) at all times you are cooking on the stove, even if nothing is smoking or creating food odors. It does make me miss my induction stovetop from apartments past.
But if you are thinking along environmental lines, that won’t justify getting rid of a stove that is currently in working order. The manufacturing and transportation carbon footprint are immense, especially once you account for the raw materials.
Aunt Jamesina
We made the switch to induction this year when our stove died and it’s great. Before, I was a ride or die gas fan. We cook a lot, and I’ve found zero downside. I can also temper chocolate without a double boiler and keep things on realllllllllly low heat that I could never get with gas. Now that we have a kid, I also like that the burners won’t turn on unless they have a pan on them and that we can lock the control panel. I would never do old-school electric.
Anon
Easiest range I ever had to cook on was dual fuel with gas burners and an electric oven.
Anon
As a cook, I love my gas stove. Like, love. But in the area where I live, no new gas lines can be built so they’re planning to phase out gas stoves and heating. So I assume at some point I won’t be able to buy a new gas stove if this one breaks, and that makes me sad, but I certainly understand why.
Cb
Recs for things to see and do in Montreal? I’m flying over for a conference in September and I’ve never been so I’ve tacked on 4 extra days. Bonus points for fun coffeeshops to sit and work, as the trip coincides with week 2 of the teaching term and a big administrative deadline.
Cat
The walk / climb up Mont Royal is beautiful. When we were there pre-Covid, there was a little bar / cafe open at the top so you could linger with your beverage of choice – hopefully it survived because it was a lovely way to spend a few hours!
We stayed in Le Plateau and there were tons of cute restaurants and coffee shops to choose from – doubt you could go too wrong :)
Anonymous
Also headed to Montreal this summer, although with toddlers/preschoolers, and would love tips!
Anokha
The Biodome is a great family outing for kids!
Cat
+2 to this suggestion. I enjoyed it as an adult, especially the penguin antics.
Anon
There was a great brewery/pub, I think called Dieu du Ciel, that I’d definitely recommend!
Leatty
Highly recommend visiting one of the Nordic spas for a water circuit. We went to the baths at Scandinave Spa in Montreal and Mont Tremblant several years ago, and it was one of the most relaxing experiences of my life.
Anonymous
Bota water circuit. So relaxing!
Emma
Second Bota Bota or Strom Spa on Nun’s Island (a bit out of the way, take an Uber, but quieter setting) for a nice spa. In September, you might start to get some nice foliage, especially later in the month. Go up Mount Royal. The outdoor markets (Jean Talon and Atwater) have fun outdoor eating areas with a number of choice and some local products. I like cycling along the Atwater Canal to/from the Old Port (you can take a Bixi bikeshare). The Plateau/Mile End is where the cool kids hang, and it’s fun to get a bagel at St Viateur or Fairmount, but I also like my area (near the Atwater market) a lot too. Lots of good restaurants including Joe Beef & Liverpool House (which I personally prefer). Assuming you’re staying downtown for a conference – it’s been a little dead since Covid but is slowly coming back. Montreal is generally very safe although I recommend avoiding the area near Place Emilie Gamelin at night. Terasse Place d’Armes is a nice rooftop patio. If you like outdoorsy things, the boat on the Lachine Rapids is fun (bumpy, will get wet). Montreal has a lot of cool microbreweries if that’s your thing.
Squeak
Cafes: Crew Collective, Helico, Olimpico
Restaurants/Bars: Emma Grace, Lawrence, Bar Pamplemousse, Le Sainte-Elizabeth (the terrasse!)
To-Do: Place-des-arts, musee des beaux-arts or d’art contemporaine, visit the plateau neighbourhood for shopping and for great bagels and ice cream
I would also second dieu-du-ciel for brewing
Squeak
Also! You should check out the Atwater market, a great outdoor market open pretty much year round!
Anon
Trying to rent an apartment has me losing my mind! Rents have gone up significantly, landlords and rental agents are ghosting me, tours are only offered during the work day, and on the rare occasion I do get to see a place, it’s snatched up ASAP. I started my hunt early, relaxed my standards and upped my budget, and I’m still having a tough time. I can always move in with family if needed, but I’d rather not. My plan was to live alone, but I’ve reconsidered roommates. It just feels like no matter what I cannot get the pieces together. I’m not even in New York or a super competitive market.
anon
I’m sorry. I know several people in the same situation, and we’re also not in a highly competitive urban market. Housing is just bonkers right now.
OP
Oh yeah, I have several friends in my city in the same situation. It’s happening to everyone but this + the economy overall + everything else in the world has me at my wits end.
A few months ago I got a new job with a substantial raise but between housing costs and inflation, I have no more money for fun things or savings than I did before. It’s super demoralizing.
The thing that’s killing me is the realtors/landlords just ghosting me. Some never respond to inquiries, some I email back and forth with, try to set a time to visit and then ghost me. I assume most of these properties are rented ASAP, but a few I see on the market still (some with price drops!) and they still won’t email me back. The anxiety I’ve developed over “will this landlord email me back or not?” is unreal.
Anon
It’s the worst! I just went though the process right outside of NYC. I’m moving to a nearby less fun, wealthy, convenient location so my rent would only go up $150 instead of $500 a month. I’m in my mid 30’s and I’m so over roommates. Thank goodness I can move in with my bf otherwise I would have just splurged for a year. It’s terrible. Try to look on sites like Zillow and street easy and even Facebook and Craigslist.
OP
Yes! I have 2 friends (different apartments) who wanted to resign their leases and had their landlords up the price by over $1,000. One friends landlord tried to up rent by $1,300 – nearly a 100% increase.
I don’t think Street Easy (not in NYC)is in my area but I’ve been looking in Zillow, Apartments.com, Hotpads, Facebook, Craigslist, and for the first time ever working with a realtor.
The craziest thing to me is that about 2/3rds of apartments I request to tour never respond to me.
Anon
I had one realtor suggest I look at apartments below my budget and then offer higher than their asking price. Also, I was able to get my apartment because the LL liked that it was just me and my bf, no kids no pets. I think your best bet may be to move further out from the more desirable areas.
pugsnbourbon
It’s wild. Ten years ago we were able to walk into a leasing office and sign the papers later that week. This time around not so much.
Hang in there!
Anon
It’s just crazy to me! The last time I helped a family member look for an apartment (about 5 years ago – not in a big city), we toured four different places and they were each offering all kinds of incentives to get her to sign a lease – a month of free rent, waive the deposit, offering a bigger unit at the same rental price as a smaller one, etc. The situation has completely flipped in a really short period of time.
AnonRenter
Now try it with 3 young kids, a small dog, 4 fish, and a job which is remote and pays the same as it did 2.5 years ago. Except now the benefits package is lower. Oh and moving isn’t an option due to a parenting plan. Necessity is the mother of invention, so I’m considering starting a side business to just past the bills. Any (legal) ideas?!
Anon
God it’s not the suffering Olympics
Anon
Such an unnecessary and unsympathetic response.
Camla
+1
Anon
Current thoughts on flying and Covid? I have a family member who is behaving irresponsibly in my view, but I am much more cautious than the average person, so I don’t have the best perspective on this.
Cb
I wouldn’t fly WITH Covid but I’ll happily fly now wearing a mask (despite no one else wearing one), I’m not convinced it’s any more dangerous than the supermarket.
Cat
A total non issue. If you’re worried for your personal safety, wear a KN95. 80-90% of travelers are maskless depending on airport. At this point I know only a handful of people who haven’t had Covid (most fell either at Christmas or in the last month or two), so it’s a big whatever.
Anon
+1 completely agree
Anonymous
Whatever because they all recovered or whatever because everyone is now immune?
Cat
whatever because they’ve all had 3 or 4 shots and had Covid and recovered, recently, so the odds of either having it and passing it on, or the odds of catching it again this quickly, are slim, and fortunately no one I know has had anything more than cold symptoms – so even if they DID catch it again they’re not super concerned.
Before you lecture me, if they are seeing someone higher risk, most people behave more cautiously in the week prior, and will mask or stay outdoors no problem if requested.
Anonymous
I used to think that the fact that everyone else has had it would protect me, but the latest evidence shows that the immunity from Omicron wanes within about 3 months and does not protect against subvariants. I am hearing anecdotally about a lot of cases now, including among people who had Omicron around the winter holidays. I think we are back to the situation of everyone’s being both vulnerable and a potential carrier.
Anon
But what about the high risk people on the plane? I understand why airlines wanted to unmask their passengers, but some of the people who haven’t had COVID need to fly because they have medical appointments. The efficacy of one-way masking in low ventilation environments (such as a plane that hasn’t turned on its climate control yet) is not nearly as good as two-way masking. I think masking up is still the obvious ethical choice during waves like this one.
Cat
perhaps true, but I had it in early May despite wearing a real mask anytime I was indoors with non-family (no indoor dining, no “oh I’m only running in for a second” exceptions), so I don’t really see the advantage of not doing what I want to do if I’m going to catch it behaving cautiously anyway!
Cat
sorry, my above post came out super selfish with the interim comment – I was reacting to the point that immunity to future variants may be more or less effective, not trying to be dismissive of anyone high risk!
Anonymous
I don’t want to lecture you. I was curious. This is how I was thinking before I git Covud myself. My personal experience among a 45 to 55 crowd is it is hitting a lot harder than a cold and can really drag on. I have a cough 35 days post-exposure. A friend with it now is laid up with a lot of weird symptoms. Another otherwise very healthy friend was hospitalized last week. And there is now evidence reinfection can and does happen within a very short window. I don’t believe I have any immunity based on shots now and wonder if the infection gave me much. I think so as I was heavily exposed on Saturday and don’t seem sick. But I am actually more worried about it than ever now based on my experience and the reading I have done recently. I was a bit if a cowboy about it all before, and I’m not going to be a hermit by any means, but I wouldn’t fly within 10 days of getting it and expose someone I don’t know
Anonymous
Cat, in your shoes I’d assume that masking had limited the viral load to which I was exposed and had therefore led my case to be milder.
Anon
I’ve been on several flights recently out of Chicago where ~50% of passengers were masked, but agreed it’s not anything close to 100%.
anon
I’m personally fine with flying but I will only fly places in the continental US/Canada, so I can rent a car and drive home in the worst possible scenario. I’ve flown 5 times since I got my vaccine in winter 2021: July 2021, December 2021, February 2022, May 2022, June 2022 for a mix of vacation, work, and attending friends’ weddings. My last flight was a combo friend wedding/visiting family and the family has a 2 month old baby so I masked up for my flight going there but did not mask up coming home since I had already visited the baby.
I’m in a blue area and have resumed all normal pre-COVID activities, but when cases are high I’ll mask up in indoor public spaces like public transportation or stores. I dine indoors (and did all winter), but prefer outdoor dining weather permitting.
If you think your relative is behaving irresponsibly by flying or indoor dining or something, I think you’re overreacting. If they’re going out and about with an active COVID diagnosis, then you’re right to think they’re irresponsible.
Anonymous
Huh? I’ve been flying since last summer. I wear a mask. It’s great. If someone called me irresponsible I’d consider them weirdly anxious and controlling.
Anokha
I think I’m more cautious than the average person (e.g., only eat outdoors, mask for all indoor public activities), and I do not think it’s irresponsible to fly. I wear a mask while flying (and I also obviously wouldn’t fly if I tested positive for Covid).
Anon
+1 also very cautious and wear masks indoors and eat outdoors only, but fly frequently (for pleasure, not work) in a KN95. I’m not sure how anyone could think flying while healthy is irresponsible at this point. I do think it’s irresponsible to fly if you’ve tested positive for Covid, and it’s irresponsible to fly while sick with anything unless you wear a KN95-type mask.
Anon
That’s what this person is doing — tested positive on Thursday while out of town, flying home today. Says they will mask but at this point I don’t know if I believe them. I am incredibly disappointed in them. The only saving grace is that once home, they have access to their own doctors/etc.
Anon
Well it’s been 5 days so technically their CDC isolation is over (assuming they’re vaccinated). That’s very different than testing positive Thursday and flying home Friday, IMO.
Cat
so, today is 5 days after their positive test, and isn’t CDC guidance that you can be in public if masked at that point and you no longer have a fever, as you are unlikely to be contagious at that point?
obviously if not wearing a mask, that’s atrocious.
Anokha
The CDC guidance is that, if you test positive, you can be public if masked after day 5. BUT, it also says that you shouldn’t travel for 10 days after testing positive. (“Do not travel until a full 10 days after your symptoms started or the date your positive test was taken if you had no symptoms.”)
NYCer
+1. Not sure how you can judge your family member about this one. They are following CDC guidance, assuming they wear a mask.
Anonymous
It’s been 5 days so they are allowed out in a mask. You really think everyone is paying for an extra ten days in a hotel if they don’t have to?
Anon
(OP here) Out in public is one thing. Stuffed in a tiny seat next to someone who didn’t sign up for exposure is another.
I get that there’s no good solution here. And I am trying to be scientific about this instead of letting my own risk aversion take over. My life is much easier if I can believe they’re not behaving irresponsibly. But I’m still really disappointed in them.
I didn’t get into the whole backstory, but does it change anyone’s answer if this person had symptoms before leaving on the trip and did not test?
Anonymous
Why are you so invested in hating your family member?
Cat
for better or for worse, as we move into Endemic Covid, this behavior will be normal, except not sure that many people will even test ever unless they’re seeing someone they know is higher risk. As countries are dropping their test requirements, they’re doing so knowing there is a higher risk of inbound travelers having Covid, and they have decided it doesn’t matter.
Travelers themselves have to weigh their own risk tolerance in deciding whether to book – any time I get on a plane, I’m confident there are Covid cases on board, so the addition of one more who actually waited 5 days doesn’t bother me.
Anon
(OP, answering Anon at 10:54) You know what, I had a whole thing typed out, but I don’t owe you an explanation. I am concerned about the choices my family member is making, which seem selfish and ill-advised, and I’m not sure I can respect them after this. I realize I am more cautious than most, so I am trying to see this from a different perspective. Hate doesn’t come into it.
Anon
Okay so lose respect for them. That’s your choice. If you want permission from the internet, here you go!
Anon
(OP, answering Anon at 12:03) What the heck is your problem? Listen, if I wanted permission from the internet to judge my family member, I have plenty of other places I can go for that. Questions about flying, especially flying after a positive test, are not like questions about whether to Clorox your groceries or wear gloves everywhere. As the responses to my post show, there are many different opinions on how to travel safely. I wanted varied perspectives and I got them. Now can I get you a refill on your vinegar cocktail?
Anonymous
I am sure a whole lot of people are doing this. My own extended family members have done it, even back when the CDC guidance was to isolate for 10 days. This is why I will wear a high-quality mask on planes forever.
Anokha
I also think the guidance from CDC is confusing right now. (See above: Their position is that you, if you test positive, you can go out after 5 days while wearing a well-fitting mask — but that you shouldn’t fly until after 10 days. That last part is a nuance that is often lost, and I think could lead a number of people to say “Well, if I can go out after 5 days, why can’t I fly then too?”)
Anon
+1 to Anokha. The CDC guidance is a mess.
Betsy
If they test negative on a rapid test before the flight and wear a really good mask the entire flight (not the entire flight except while eating and drinking, but actually the entire flight), I would still judge but not as harshly. If they are flying without a negative rapid test, I would judge very harshly.
Anon
Do you have a reason to be involved or is this a situation where you should let it go and not obsess over it?
Anon
i am covid cautious, but have flown, though most certainly not while positive with covid
roxie
I’m 99% sure I got covid 2+ weeks ago either on the plane or in the Houston airport. I usually KN95 AND wear eye protection but it was one million degrees as we boarded and I did not put on my eye protection. I’ve been sick for 2 weeks and counting. 0/10, do not recommend.
that said, I am flying more this summer. My life is such that flying is required for things and I’m just going to up my PPE game.
I honestly believe covid will get us all eventually and I don’t say that lightly; I am terrified of Long covid. I was extremely safe for 2+ years, I am till one of the few people masking in stores and planes, I don’t eat inside and here we are. I’m trying to make peace with it.
Anon
Aww, I’m sorry you’re sick. Long Covid is the thing that scares me too. I’m vaxed and boosted and will get the next booster when I’m eligible, and we hardly ever go anywhere, so my risk is low. But not zero. I try not to think about it, but I’m aware that if I do get Covid, there’s the potential for it to be more than just a cold.
Anonymous
Assuming this is within the US, I fly with a mask on, as it doesn’t hurt me or anyone around me that I wear a mask. Just did a Boston – DC trip and less than 50% of people were masked on both flights. I did an at-home test before I left home since I was visiting someone who had an immunocompromised partner, but I don’t think most people bother to.
If I was flying internationally, which I did do last year for family medical reasons, I would be a little more aggressive with getting PCR tested before I left home and a home test just in case, wear a mask for all legs of the flight but eat in airport layovers in a less crowded space, and test upon coming back to the US.
Definitely wouldn’t fly if I tested positive on PCR or at-home test or had sick symptoms even if the at-home test was negative day of flying.
Anon
One of my best friends caught COVID on Southwest. He was so sick it scared me (was on the verge of needing an ambulance a couple of times, I think most people would have gone to the hospital in his condition) and my general health is not as good as his. As a result I decided not to fly but to drive to my most recent conference – Bay Area to Anaheim – and I’m glad I did. COVID is rampant right now!
Anon
A conference is way riskier than flying. Airplanes have good air filtration and you only have close contact with the handful of people seated right near you, vs a conference where you might talk to dozens of people a day. My husband recently organized a small conference and did everything right in terms of Covid protocols (including an indoor mask mandate that people obeyed) and it was still a super-spreader event. 40% of the attendees have now tested positive.
Anon
The filtration is only effective while the airplane is flying, not while it’s on the ground. And you’re much closer to people on the plane than you would be at a conference, where you can choose to distance a bit more. I’m not arguing that conferences aren’t risky, I’m just arguing against the notion that airplanes are safer.
Anon
Yeah but except in rare cases you don’t spend much time on an airplane when it’s not flying, and you don’t have to remove your mask to eat or drink until the plane is in the air.
Anon
I’m not saying a plane is risk-free but driving to a conference to mitigate risk does not make sense to me because the conference itself is so risky. Even if the conference is less risky per minute, you spend so many more minutes at the conference that the cumulative risk from the conference is much greater.
Anon
Airplanes only have good air filtration when they’re running their air filters! It’s easy to test how much CO2 from exhalation builds up at other times. It may be a conference is still riskier (though it may be possible to mitigate risks by holding a lot of events outdoors or using masks rated for airborne contagion.
Anonymous
Which no conference is doing
Anonymous
Has anyone traveled solo to Sri Lanka? Thinking of doing it and hiring a private driver but will it be weird just me and the driver? Are there female drivers? Welcome to any and all thoughts, was thinking Colombo, Kandy, Ella, galle, and back.
Anon
I traveled to Sri Lanka on a part vacation part volunteer trip with a travel group from the UK (I was the only American). I don’t remember seeing any female drivers, though that was 15 years ago. We mostly stayed in Galle and it was lovely. I recommend using a travel agency – I used Infinite Journeys for a trip to India, which set us up with a driver, unique hotels in three cities, etc.
Anon
Galle is beautiful. I don’t recall any female drivers, even all the hotel cleaning staff were men (hotel had female employees at reception). I probably wouldn’t advise friends to travel alone as a woman.
Anonymous
If you leave a burner email I will put you in touch with our extremely lovely and kind driver in Sri Lanka. My aunt also traveled with him.
Anonymous
Also Lol we did your exact same itinerary, I just realized!
A
Please google the economic situation there if you’re planning to visit in the next few months. It’s a disaster.
Otherwise it’s a wonderful country and high safety for women.
Anon
Genuine question prompted by the posts above: how is a gas fireplace ok when a gas range isn’t? Wood is a renewable resource; propane isn’t. Why is indoor air quality a concern with a stove but not a fireplace?
Anonymous
Because most people don’t use a gas fireplace nearly as often as a stove
Anon
Honestly, I wouldn’t do either. But propane isn’t a greenhouse gas and if you’re running it off an existing natural gas line, it’s not as big a deal as running a new gas line and keeping the entire house on gas for heat, hot water, and cooking for the life of the house, instead of using mostly renewable energy in the near future. Plus wood burning doesn’t just produce air pollution, it also releases black carbon, which increases warming.
I suspect a fireplace is less of an issue for indoor air quality than a stove is because it all goes up the chimney, but it would be nice to see some research to confirm that and I haven’t bothered looking.
Anon
And just to clarify, you’d probably use propane on an outdoor fire and natural gas (methane) indoors, but there are exceptions. Because methane is a greenhouse gas and leaks from pipelines, running additional gas lines should be avoided. We should also be switching from gas to electric so we can use clean burning, renewable energy instead of fossil fuels. There are a few different issues here which is why it’s confusing to sort out!
Anon
My electric comes from coal (and a legendarily unethical company) so I’m not sure how I feel about that either!
Anon
It comes from coal now, but even the most coal heavy states are changing. Over the lifetime of an appliance and certainly over the lifetime of a new building, this will change dramatically in most places, if it hasn’t already.
Anon
Indoor air quality is a concern with both gas stoves and fireplaces, but stoves are used much more frequently in most households than a fireplace. We have a gas cooktop in our kitchen, and a gas fireplace. We use the gas fireplace maybe 2-3 times a year. We use the cooktop almost every day. Far more VOCs and other harmful compounds are being put out by the cooktop than the fireplace.
P.S. gas fireplaces are great for ambience but are really energy-inefficient and suck more warm air out of the house (to fuel the gas flames) than they put back in, in most cases. This is particularly true with older gas fireplaces that don’t have built-in fans.
asthmatic
I would rather neither. However, if a neighbor is going to replace a wood fireplace with a gas fireplace, that really helps local air quality. I appreciate that improvement.
Also, people tend to use fireplaces far less than stoves. I use a gas fireplace maybe once a year because I feel bad about the environmental impact. I use a stove once or twice a day.
Anon
But when you use a fireplace you use it for hours, no?
I use a stove less than 10x a month but I use fireplaces (currently gas, formerly wood) at least weekly in the winter to heat my house.
Anon
It’s don’t think that’s typical. Some people do, clearly, but I’m in the once every few years camp. Obviously it matters most for the people who use it most, but gas is clearly better than wood, though electric would be better, it’s just not a great option for a fireplace.
Anonymous
I’ve had my propane fireplace for 8 years I’ve never used it for ‘hours’. Like a half hour or an hour if it’s extra chilly in the morning or an hour relaxing some evening but not daily and I’d melt of the heat if I had it on for hours. The new ones push a lot of heat.
Anom
I’m definitely in the camp that’s bothered by fireplace fires for winter ambience. It’s literally burning fuel and polluting just to look pretty. Just bought a house with three fireplaces and I know DH is going to want to run them all winter long and it’s going to skeeve me out.
We also have a gas stove and I’ll keep it till it’s lived out its life and then replace with induction.
Anon
My parents keep their house at 62 in the winter but have a wood burning fire 2-3x a week. Fires aren’t just for ambiance.
Anom
For my DH, it will be for ambiance. Not passing judgment on other people who have other concerns of which I am not aware. For us, the fireplaces would be used purely decoratively. And therefore, I don’t feel good about just burning fuel (wood or gas) to make it look pretty.
anonshmanon
You need quite a bit of wood to keep several fireplaces going. Obtaining, cutting to size, stacking, and retrieving firewood for the house gets time consuming. Either your DH will learn to curb his enthusiasm or you end up resenting this fireplace like my mom does hers!
Anonymous
On the indoor air quality – propane fireplaces have the gas enclosed behind glass. The flame is not open to the living space like it is with a stove.
Gas is better than wood and electric is better than either.
Anonymous
It actually is a concern with fireplaces, unless you have the kind that’s totally sealed so no air from the fireplace gets into the house.
Anon
I have the opportunity to go last minute to Morocco next month (staying with family friends in Rabat). Anyone been and have recs? During the day I would be mostly out on my own (early 30s female) and have heard some horror stories, so even though I’m used to traveling internationally solo I’m interested in anyone else’s experiences. Also, if I have the chance to spend a few days elsewhere in the country, recommendations for where else to go?
Anonymous
I would not go and be out on your own in the day. Hire a guide.
NYCer
I would also recommend a guide.
Also, I assume you know this, but parts of Morocco are very, very hot in July. l would definitely consider Essaouira since it is on the coast. We also loved Fez and Marrakech, but those might be less pleasant in the middle of summer.
Anonymous
I never had an issue being outside alone in Morocco (was last there ~12 years ago) and have generally felt safe as a woman walking around Cairo, many places in Jordan, and Damascus (pre-war). I was not that thrilled with Marrakesh, but loved Fez and Chefchaouen. If you go to Chefchaouen, probably makes sense to get a guide. Fez has a walled medina with lots of markets, little restaurants, windy streets, and at least pre COVID hammams which were fun. I have also heard great things about Essaouira if you like beaches. Have fun!
Cat
ooh plus a VERY hearty 1 to Essaouira. It had lots of the fun stuff about Marrakech (shops, French-fusion Moroccan cuisine, etc) but was much less touristy, plus being on the water made for much more comfortable temps.
Anon B
I’m on the lookout for new dining chairs. What are the most comfortable chairs you might recommend that are available through a store, not bespoke carpentry? I understand the lead time might be long these days. These would be used in the only dining area in the home.
CHL
I like our Thatcher chairs from room and board.
Anom
Those are really pretty looking.
Senior Attorney
It’s a very specific modern look, but we just got these for our kitchen table and they are stupidly comfortable: https://hivemodern.com/pages/product1429/herman-miller-charles-eames-wire-armchair
Anon
Not sure if this would suit your style but we have STUA Globus chairs and I love them. Design within reach sells them for about $300/each depending on the type of material. I’ve also seen them on Marketpalce and C-list for cheaper. They wipe down, stack, unbreakable, AND comfortable. But the style is not for everyone.
Tumi Bag
I have a bag that I received as a graduation gift many years ago that just isn’t me, and it’s very expensive and too fancy for my lifestyle/work life. Where would you post to resell a fancy work bag? It’s never been used. If I remember correctly, it’s like a cross body bookbag style that was popular in the late nineties.
Anon
I’d say either Poshmark or Depop! If you don’t get a buy, you can try the real real big they take a big cut.
Anon
Poshmark
Anonymous
If it is a designer bag, I’d go through an actual bag reseller vs. Poshmark or ebay. Yoogi’s Closet and Rebag are both good for this sort of thing, especially if you still have paperwork.
Sci Fi Father's Day?
Can anyone recommend any good books similar to The Expanse or Dune? Want to get my husband something new to him. (We did the bookshop subscription and it was hit or miss so I’ll just get him a paperback or two.) TIA!
An.On.
Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan series? Robert Heinlein, if he likes the classic sci-fi.
Anon B
Revelation Space by Alastair Reynolds (first book in a series), A Memory Called Empire by Arcady Martine, (I assume he’s read Foundation by Isaac Asimov), Hyperion by Dan Simmons, Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula Le Guin, NK Jemison’s Broken Earth books, Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie (this first book in the series is the best one)
BB
+1 to all of these! Amazing list :)
Anon
My boyfriend LOVES Dune and I got him A Memory Called Empire for Christmas two years ago. He loved that one! There’s a sequel out now, which he preordered (that’s how much he enjoyed it). I know nothing about sci fi; I just picked it off the Hugo Award list.
Anonymous
Foundation?
Anonymous
This may be too broad a question but can anyone give me a ballpark number – how much would you expect to spend to furnish a 3 story townhouse – say 1700-2000 sqft. I’m coming from a one bedroom apartment so all I have are one old sofa, bed, and table all of which will be replaced but at least they allow me to have someplace to sit on move in day. To start I would need – family room (there’s just one seating area, not a separate living room too); dining room; kitchen table; master bedroom; at least a bed for one other room; and a home office. Not all of this has to be at once – for example a formal dining room can wait but the rest is all sooner rather than later type of purchases.
Assume I want to buy everything new + buy from regular furniture stores (not Ikea or Wayfair but also not going as far as custom made hand built in America furniture – which is what I truly love but can’t afford ALL of that at once, nor can you get that so quickly). Ballpark? Thousands? Tens of thousands? Any chance furniture stores give “volume” discounts if you’re buying a whole house full from them, esp as we are hitting inflation and maybe a recession so I doubt there is as much cash being spent as a few years ago?
Anonymous
Tens of thousands if you want “real” furniture. Some, but not all, stores will negotiate with you, but I’ve had less luck with this lately than 10-20 years ago.
You are looking at a 4-6 month wait for delivery.
Anonymous
The 4-6 month waiting time is getting way better than it was last year; now it isn’t unheard of on the east coast to get things in 4-8 weeks. Not all things of course but if you are ordering things that they have in stock or are in production in the US now, it’s not the same wait as it was. And IDK if they’d necessarily negotiate with you but as of early May furniture sales are down 20% and mattress sales are down 10% per a Wall Street earnings report, and I suspect those numbers are even lower now as it’s not like people have more money in their pockets. So yeah I’d be looking to hit a cycle very soon where there are massive furniture store sales whether for July 4 or Labor Day or whatever. In that sense we’re going back to the 90s, where they need to do massive sales to move goods – so you aren’t going to pay the prices of last year. I mean just look at Macy’s website as an example, there is literally not one sofa there that is NOT on sale and many are listed in stock/ready to ship.
Anon
Tens of thousands, easily.
Anon
Tens of thousands if you’re looking at brands like Ethan Allen, Pottery Barn, etc. As a price point, we ordered a pair of slim chairs, sofa, and coffee table from Ethan Allen for our living area in December. It was about $8K total with a 15% discount they were running at the time, and we opted for mid-range fabric choices, so it could have been worse!
Senior Attorney
I might hire a designer for this project. They have sources at various price points and you can give them a budget. I’d say you should be able to do it for low five figures but the sky is the limit, obviously.
Celia
Tens of thousands. We did a dining room table and chairs from Pottery Barn that ran us over $5K. Leather sofa was close to $10K. Coffee table, bookshelf, bed, and nighstands from Restoration Hardware was over $10K. Kid room furniture – nice crib that turns into bed, dresser, small bookcase – from BuyBuyBaby sold brands probably was $3K. Nice table in the den was $3K. Everything else is IKEA or hand me downs for now! These prices are from 4-5 years ago, so I don’t know how inflation / shortages have affected them. I don’t know if a furniture store would give a volume discount, but a lot of them do give discounts to members, so there may be something there. I remember both Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware made it possible to get discounts that way (and I’m still getting the catalogs to prove it!).
Anon
Tens of thousands, easily. Stores will do sales around major holidays, with 0% financing or the like.
You can get SUCH better quality going vintage, though, and for a fraction of the cost! Personally, I get all my wood pieces vintage because the quality is so good and you can get a good deal, but I get all my upholstered pieces new. (Gosh, dining sets in particular can be had for cheap compared to what they go for new!)
Senior Attorney
Agree with this. There is so much great furniture out there and a lot of it is going to the landfill!
Anon 2.0
This! I am a die hard thrift store shopper. My best find of all time is a handmade solid wood dining table with 4 extra leaves and 6 chairs! Signed by the man who made it. $50! It was literally the deal of a lifetime. I love that I’ve made new memories hosting people around the table that someone hand crafted all those years ago.
pugsnbourbon
I got obsessed with Chairish during my design classes. You might get slammed on the shipping but there’s SO many amazing pieces.
Anonymous
Is there a reason you’re commited to new? You’ll get much better quality pieces for less money if you’re willing to buy second hand. Even real MCM teak is often less expensive than the modern repros that are everywhere.
Anon
Bought a second home at the start of the pandemic. Furnished entire home from scratch (including kitchen, bed, and bath items). 1,250 sq ft, 2 bdrm, 2 bath. Bought all new because we were not going into stores to shop vintage at the start of the pandemic. We spent over $50K not including appliances.
Anon
An earlier post made me realize I should post an update. I was one of the people who was in a relationship with someone married with 2 kids. (Though there were some other similar posts that weren’t me, though some assumed they were, so there are clearly a few of us in similar situations.)
In short, I discovered that there were some things going on in the home that had extended family and possibly CPS involved and the guy had also had multiple additional partners, though he claimed he was madly in love with me and I was the love of his life. The next time he sought reassurance from me by claiming I might walk, instead of reassuring him, I told him I needed to walk. And we went no contact immediately. It’s been about 75 days since then. It has been rough on me to think about why I was so vulnerable to someone in that position. I am sure the home is a nightmare for him, but I am focusing on myself and my own growth. I started ongoing therapy twice per week and I won’t be dating for a while, until I sort out why I was so willing to ignore the red flags because I felt so desperate to be loved, even by someone like this in this situation.
I’m grateful to friends who let me go through my process to get to the other side and who didn’t judge me or disown me for it. I certainly learned. I’m still sad to lose the affection, but I am happy to no longer be in this messy situation, especially when so many extended family members and possibly the state are involved.
I hope the others in similar situations either get out or get clear so they don’t get got too.
Anon
Good for you. Keep moving forward with your head held high. Whatever mess that guy is in has everything to do with his own choices, and it was never your responsibility to solve.
Senior Attorney
Wow, congratulations for getting out, and for doing the work to make sure it doesn’t happen again!
Monday
I’m glad you’re done. Thanks for posting. It goes to show that when someone is lying to others in his life for convenience, chances are he’s lying to you for convenience too (“you” in the universal sense here).
Anon
Congratulations on getting out. Being able to leave a toxic situation where you want to believe it’s love is so hard! Some of the most together people can fall victim to manipulation like that.
Seconding what Monday said – it goes to show that someone who is willing to betray the most important person in their life (and play with other people’s emotions in the process) is probably capable of much, much worse and shouldn’t be trusted in any regard. Thank you for sharing a story that highlights the ways situations like this can play out.
anonshmanon
Thanks for the update, sending you internet hugs!
Anon
Thanks for the update. Sounds supremely difficult – nice work getting out of that situation OP.
Anon
I posted last week from a conference realizing I needed flat shoes that feel like a sneaker but don’t look like a sneaker. Some of you recommended SAS shoes. I kind of cringed because my mother used to wear them (clogs) but I looked online and found a few styles I thought might work. I ordered two, a loafer which turned out to be too tight on my very high instep, and then a super open flat style with a white sneaker sole. To my utter shock it stays on my feet (I usually need a strap of some sort in order to not walk out of my shoe) and it’s super, super comfortable. I’m not going to win any fashion awards but at least my feet are not absolutely killing me now, and the shoes happen to match my Portland Leather crossbody bag, also a recommendation from here, so I’m telling myself that my grandma shoes look intentional.
Avert your eyes if you’re a fashionista:
https://www.zappos.com/p/asin/B07WKCTY5B
(Mine are the Hazel color)
Thanks all for the recommendation!!
Anon
I was a SAS recommender. I hate to say it, but they are just the bomb where the main concern is your feet vs aesthetics. But this is not a bad option! My grandmother had the putty-colored ones with putty-colored laces. She said they were insanely comfortable and based on my pair, I can imagine that they were like heaven-pillows for her very “aristocratic” (read: expensive to shod, prone to issues) feet (narrow with a high arch).
HFB
I relate to your feelings about these shoes. Glad you found something comfy. Does anyone know why manufacturers don’t just make this style with a sole that matches the upper? I see so many of these white-soled shows that otherwise look reasonably dressy enough for the office.
Cat
I actually like the contrast of the white soles! FWIW I think a matching rubber sole looks more matronly or like a uniform shoe. Think Easy Spirit with the navy leather and matching navy sole, or heaven help us, their “nude for you.”
Anon
I think that’s actually a trend right now.
Anon
They do offer black soles in some of the other colors of this shoe. I wanted this color of leather and I agree that white soles have been kind of a trend.
Anonymous
As someone nearing 50, one of the very few pieces of advice I offer to younger people is “Don’t F*ck with your feet or your eyes.” So get going in your grandma shoes!
Anon
I’d add “ears” to your list. The hearing impairment of seniors in my life is really hard.
Anonymous
Oh, yes. I may revise the advice. As most of my (aging) friends are musicians or dedicated concertgoers, I can imagine social gatherings becoming very challenging soon.
anon
I’m having surgery later this summer and I’m looking for soft pajama shorts that I can wear during recovery. Must be stretchy around the waist, as my abdomen will be swollen and I’ll have small incisions. Any favorites from the Hive? Modal might be nice, though I’ve had problems with the Target versions pilling …
Anon
The Cool Nights line from Soma is so much nicer than Target modal. They make elastic waist very very stretch sleep shorts. I can vouch for them.
Anon
+1. Love my soma cool nights sleep shorts.
eertmeert
Soma Cool Nights shorts are awesome and very comfy.
MagicUnicorn
I have some dolphin hem ones from ON that I like. Covered wide elastic waistband, very soft, not binding. I opted for the talls in my usual size rather than regular length, as the regulars ended up with major wedgie action. They are the High Waisted Sunday Sleep shorts.
Anon
I am obsessed with my cotton pajamas from J Crew. They are a crisp fabric (100% cotton) but incredibly comfortable. Like, since I bought them I haven’t worn any other pajamas. They always feel fresh and smooth when I put them on and they look relatively wrinkle-free straight out of the dryer. I am a size 8 and got a medium and they are very lose around the waist. https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/pajamas-and-intimates/pajama-sets/end-on-end-cotton-pajama-short-set/AY701?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=navy&colorProductCode=AY701
Anon
All my pyjamas are Gap modal and they’re great. Very soft and stretchy.
Anon
I love Old Navy sleepwear. I have a bunch of their maternity pajamas and am still wearing them postpartum – the fabric is nice and light for summer but still soft and stretchy.
Anonia
Men’s Hanes covered waistband boxer shorts. Cheap, especially compared to actual sleep shorts, wear like iron, and I don’t feel bad if something happens to them.
Anonymous
You’ve gotten some great recs for shorts, I wanted to add another thing. If you’ll have trouble bending for a while, you might have some trouble with getting them on – a true drap dress or short sleeved kimono might be a good reinforcement to the wardrobe for the most ouchy days.
Anon
late posting here but try Gownies from Amazon instead!
Anon
My husband had abdominal surgery and he couldn’t tolerate an elastic waistband of any kind afterwards. Consider a drawstring style instead
Z
I posted a couple weeks ago that my friend who has been dealing with chronic GI issues may finally be on the road to getting a diagnosis. She had her follow up doctors appointment today after lots of tests and… they still don’t know what it is. They thought it might have something to do with her gall bladder but it looked normal. They even told her to do the bland diet, as if she hasn’t been eating bland for almost 2 years now just trying to manage her symptoms. And that stress almost definitely has to do with it. But how do you be less stressed when everything you eat makes you sick? It’s like a never-ending cycle. There are some more tests they’ll have her do, but she is so sad and I’m so sad for her.
Anon
I’ve posted about this here before, but I have a weird GI issue that was misdiagnosed and improperly treated for years and took a long time to figure out and your posts are making me curious about your friend’s situation. The problem is so many symptoms overlap, and this particular issue for a long time was thought to only occur in infants and adults with developmental disabilities, so a lot of people with it are misdiagnosed with GERD or reflux at first and then the medicines don’t really solve the issue. (Even now if you look it up online, the information out there doesn’t 100% align with my symptoms, but my doctor was able to confirm it with a test — she is a tertiary specialist that you go to when the first specialist can’t figure it out, and she had studied it so I lucked out.) What’s standing out to me and making me feel like it could be the same thing is you say everything she eats is making her sick – is this like she has nausea/vomiting/reflux every time she eats or drinks?
Z
She has reflux after eating just about everything and has been on so many reflux medications. More recently she has also been dealing with severe bloating and constipation. Her list of “safe” foods (most of which aren’t all that “safe”, they just cause the least amount of pain) is very small and she’s lost a lot of weight over the last couple of years while trying to narrow down foods and quantities that cause symptoms.
Anon
Ok – that’s what it sounded like; that was also my issue — just this feeling of out of control reflux all the time. She may want to ask her doctor (or find a specialist who deals with) Rumination Syndrome (hate, hate, hate the name!). Unfortunately the info out there is really sparse because for a long time it has been treated more as a behavioral disorder and is more associated with people with developmental delays. But, my doctor explained it to me that it is not necessarily behavioral (for me it is not!) and it can be thought of more as a pressure differential between your stomach (high pressure) and esophagus (low), and everything just comes back up, regardless of what it is. (I would have reflux just from drinking water!) I believe the test they finally were able to confirm my diagnosis with is called a manometry, but they also did all the other tests to rule everything else out. Shockingly, the treatment for this is diaphragmatic breathing, which has worked tremendously for me to get it under control (and has zero downsides to trying). I note that I do also have the overlapping issue of acid reflux, so I am on medication for that, but the meds alone will not fix RS. I am so sorry for your friend, and know how stressful it can be to get in the anxiety spiral with GI issues because the stress and anxiety just makes it worse! I’m only posting all of this here on the off chance that it can help and because not all doctors seem to be as knowledgeable about the most recent updates on it, and because I’ve been there and it’s so, so tough.
Z
Thank you so much for sharing.
FormerlyPhilly
Hugs to your friend. My sister had non-specific GI issues almost a decade ago and I saw her shrink in size and strength/happiness from the pain she endured from eating/digesting and from the stress of it all and not knowing if she was going to ever be herself again. Tests and tests and tests. Nothing conclusive. She was a shell of her former self — I’m crying thinking about it right now.
Nine months later she established a good health care team and a few months after that she underwent exploratory surgery with the best GI surgeon in her metro area. Turned out she had adhesions adjacent to/in her large intestine… shock to everyone because she hadn’t had children or prior surgery or any major physical trauma. That sort of thing didn’t show up on any of the scans. She bounced back physically within a few months and hasn’t had any GI issues since. She bounced back mentally and emotionally a few years after that.
All this to say, your friend is lucky to have your support and love and I hope their health care team gets to the bottom of it.
Z
Can I ask how she went about getting that health care team together? My friend has had issues with getting her doctors to talk to each other (GI, primary care, psychiatrist, dietician, etc).
FormerlyPhilly
My sister was/is relentless about advocating for her health. She had already been seeing a good primary care (internal medicine) MD, but went for a second opinion with another internal medicine MD who turned out to be better for coordinating care (it was a concierge practice). That new internal medicine MD connected my sister to a different GI physician (again this ended up being a “second opinion”) who referred her to another GI physician in a different state entirely and they shared notes. That new GI physician in her home state ran a battery of tests (colonoscopies, bloodwork bloodwork bloodwork, MRI, ultrasounds) and new internal medicine MD ruled out a lot of stuff (like, even sent her to rheumatologist who ruled out stuff). Sister continued to work with dietician (because she was loosing so much weight) and pressed dietician to send health care notes to GI and internal medicine physicians. New GI physician connected her to the best GI surgeon.
I remember she had the biggest binder — she kept a paper copy of everything from all of her appointments and would send updates herself prior to appointments in case they hadn’t received anything from the other provider. She carried that binder to every appointment. Her husband, my BIL, was a supportive and used every connection in his “rolodex” to get opinions or suggestions of care providers.
I have a great deal of compassion and empathy for everyone going through a health crisis. When you’re sick, doing what I described above takes every last ounce of energy.
Senior Attorney
Paging the person who wanted coffee a cup at a time: Cuisinart has a one-cup-at-a-time grind-and-brew, if you’re willing to throw money at the issue: https://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/cuisinart-grind-brew-single-serve-brewer/5624649?
Anony
Walmart has a Cuisinart 12-cup + Single Cup on sale for $91 – https://www.walmart.com/ip/Cuisinart-Coffee-Center-12-Cup-Coffeemaker-and-Single-Serve-Brewer/829253069?irgwc=1&sourceid=imp_3v-zhXSvPxyOT35wUx0Mo38vUkD27sUzy2%3A4080&veh=aff&wmlspartner=imp_57486&clickid=3v-zhXSvPxyOT35wUx0Mo38vUkD27sUzy2%3A4080&sharedid=collective&affiliates_ad_id=565706&campaign_id=9383
Anon
Y’all: J Crew how has a No. 3 pencil skirt!
Anon
😯
anon
I have tendonitis in my shoulder and it is making sleeping really hard. I am usually a stomach sleeper and I am waking up in pain. Anyone been through this and find a way to make it work?
Anon
Lots of pillows.
good luck
Yes, my Dad has shoulder arthritis/rotator cuff tears, and it took him awhile to find the “right” position. Look online for the recommended positions that come with diagrams, how to position your arm, how to place the pillows. I’ll poke around and see if I can find a good diagram.
Are you seeing physical therapy about your tendonitis? Even just one visit will give you so many good recs to help treat this now, sleep “correctly” and trouble shoot to prevent recurrence.
Unfortunately, I think stomach sleeping is the worst for shoulder pain, and I would try sleeping on your back if you can. You could try taking an anti-inflammatory/motrin before you go to sleep, and a warm pack on your shoulder after you wake up with pain.
good luck
https://www.sleep.com/sleep-health/shoulder-pain-side-sleep
These instructions are ok.