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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I would wear the heck out of this print from Boden. Pink and navy is one of my favorite color combos, and this wavy patterned blouse is so fun.
When I was in a job where I wore suits almost every day, I had tons of blouses like these to liven things up a bit. In my current business casual setting, I would wear this with some navy trousers and a sweater blazer for a comfy but professional look.
The blouse is $80 at Boden and comes in sizes 0-20. It also comes in green and an absolutely bonkers black-and-white dachshund print.
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A
My child is old enough to be left alone for short periods of time but we don’t have a landline or smart speakers (and don’t want either). I’ve heard a “dumb” phone works well for this and then the kiddo can also take it for short walks when needed but it’s not “their” phone. Has anyone done this? Any recs on phone plans? Prepaid phone etc.? TIA
AIMS
We have a house phone for this – it’s not a landline, strictly speaking because it’s digital and comes for a low fee with our cable. It’s actually great for lots of other reasons, too, but kids can use it to call us when we leave them alone to run a quick errand or walk the dog.
AIMS
Meant to say that it probably costs about the same as a cheap phone plan as it’s bundled with our cable and internet.
Anon
My aunt and uncle use magic jack, which is a VOIP, on a house phone. They seem to like it and I know it’s quite cheap.
anon
i had a home phone until my kids got cells.
FP
Not sure if you’re open to a smartwatch but we recently got the FitBit ACE LTE for my 8 year old. It does not have a phone number but instead is a $60 annual plan where a group of people that I approve can contact him via calling or text on the watch. The approved users contact him through an app on their phone. We’ve only had it for a month but it works well and gives me peace of mind for walks to/from school and in the future, when he can be a bit more free-range, he’ll have a way to contact us.
Anon
We use an iPad for this purpose. My child can call us on FaceTime.
orchid
This is what we do too.
Anonymous
This is what we do.
Flats Only
Do the phone from the cable company. It’s not so much whether the child can reach you, but whether they can call 911 in an emergency. Back when everyone had a landline there were many stories where a tiny child saved the family by calling 911 – no reason anyone over the age of 4 shouldn’t have phone access at home in case of an emergency. The cable co phone service is set up in such a way that 911 operators can see the address where the call originates, even if the caller can’t speak on the line, so it’s safer than a cell phone where the caller needs to be confident speaking on the phone, know their address, and remain calm.
Anon
This is useful.
Accidents also happen when a parent is home. As a young child, my brother and I called 911 for my Dad when he could not. I guess we could have run to a neighbor’s house, but these days no one answers their doorbells…. Different times.
anon
I got my kids (ages 9 & 11) apple watches with cellular for this purpose and have been really happy with the way it’s working out. They each have their own phone number, and it’s only about $10-15/month for each line. I like that it stays on their body during the day so I don’t worry as much about it getting lost or being inaccessible when needed as I would with a phone. I can set them up and control a lot of the features from my phone, including screentime limitations for school hours (though I haven’t needed to do that), and sharing photo albums, which they love. They’re able to text us and their friends, but the screen is of course tiny and they can’t access youtube, so most other temptations are removed. We have a family group chat, which has been a lot of fun. We also just recently tried out the apple cash feature, where I can send $ to their accounts and they can buy things using the watch–on a recent vacation, they thought it was awesome to be able to walk to the convenience store all by themselves to buy candy. In short, a lot of the benefits of an iphone without the screen addiction and access to internet/social media, imho.
Anon
I’d do a gizmo watch. Kid can only call me or DH.
Anon
I’d recommend adding a few numbers they can call, like grandparents or neighbors. God forbid you and your DH are out together and get in an accident or something and thus can’t answer. Someone else needs to be able to be contacted.
I presume these watches have an override for 911, but if they don’t obviously add that too.
A.n.o.n.
gizmo watch would be my vote.
as noted, iPad or Alexa or Google home all likely have some calling capabilities if you already have one in your home
Anon
I don’t know how old your kid is, but my kids got iPhones in middle school because they walked to and from school. I used the “find my iPhone” family feature a lot to make sure they made it safely. “Dumb” phones didn’t have that feature so I went with iPhones. They did fine with them.
Anon
I have some items with this notch in the front and what happens to me is that it never stays looking like this. Instead, the fabric flops over and it just looks sloppy vs sharp, like weird little lapels. Is this what fashion tape is for? But that seems to make “easy dressing” too fussy. I will confess to prior fashion tape trauma from trying to make a wrap dress work for me (short of duct taping things together, wraps don’t work for me).
Cat
could be your shoulder shape, could be that the structure of the c-ll-r part is too heavy for the blouse material. A wider notch tends to behave better than a deep narrow one.
anon
i have the same problem. i think it’s because my shoulders are narrow. also with deep vs, my bra always shows.
i always regret buying shirts like this although i like them. i would not get involved with fabric tape for a wear to work or casual shirt…. agreed, a lot of work.
Anonymous
i have nice collarbones and like a good notch neck, but have the same problem with my bra showing – I have sewn little press-studs in to close up the bottom of the V. it’s not perfect but it solves the bigger visual problem.
anon
I have the same problem. It’s too much work for something that is supposed to be easy to wear.
Anon
I have the same problem. I figure they have to be taping it on the model.
anon
I have not had luck with shirts like this. I have a distinct memory of having lunch with a female employee who looked over at me and said, “This is so embarrassing, but I can literally so much of your bra that I know what brand it is.” Great. I would wear something like this with a cami underneath but then it’s too warm.
Anon
Interesting. Lots of my cotton and linen shirts have collars/plackets like this and they stay put the way they’re supposed to. I figure a reasonably stiff fabric is your best bet here.
Anonymous
They are cheap looking and fall open. Not for me.
anon
Greetings! My kid plays travel soccer in DC, so I am outside all the time in rain, extreme heat, wind, and cold. This is our 3rd year and I am finally ready to gear up. What kinds of stuff will make standing in terrible weather more comfy. I already have rain pants and some sort of rain jacket on the list. I hate being cold and wet.
Anonymous
silk long johns! you can go for uniqlo leggings if you’re on a budget but silk long johns block the wind like nothing else.
i love my eddie bauer girl on the go jacket because the hood is nice and deep. lots of pockets.
Anonymous
+1 LL bean has some nice ones too.
Anon
+1 on silk long johns. I recommend Lands’ End, waiting until there is a 50% off on everything with free shipping. I wear mine so often, both outdoors and under work clothes when I know I will be in a frigid meeting room.
Anon
I have the 32 degrees base layers and they’re great.
Anon
+1 to a coat with a deep hood – I have a big head and really thick hair so hoods never stay on my head, it drives me crazy.
Anon
You can buy a battery-operated chair warmer that fits in your collapsible chair or on a bleacher seat. In extreme cold (hello, February baseball!), it will make you almost cozy.
Anon
merino wool base layers.
Anon.
Whatever type of coat you get, get the longest you can find. I hate nothing more than having cold wind blow up my legs into my coat, so no nonsense hip length puffer. Check Uniqlo for layers, I swear by their heat tech underwear. Also, layers. I have these leggings and snow pants below and sometimes wear both at the same time!
I live in the Midwest and on the coldest winter days with temperatures in the single digit Fahrenheits, I still go out every day.
https://www.amazon.com/90-Degree-Reflex-Fleece-Leggings/dp/B07QYP244Z
https://www.amazon.com/Camii-Mia-Windproof-Waterproof-Sportswear/dp/B07KF1YZF8
Brontosaurus
Try sheepskin insoles. They can be a little thick, but I loved them in my rain boots for cold, wet days outside. I also stock up on those little self-heating pouches.
Anon
The Dachshund print is adorable! So tempted.
Anon
Me too!
Senior Attorney
Too bad the model looks so angry!
Anon
Has anyone used Iron Mountain (or similar services) to do residential shredding? My parents have not ever gotten rid of any financial records ever and need to start emptying their house (mom is in hospice, dad is about to go to senior living because he can’t live alone; I’ve got a month maybe to help with the transition and can work remotely but would prefer not to spend it loading my car and driving to Staples where they may not want a carload every day for weeks). It’s amazing how much paper they have (40+ years) and how heavy that can get and how hard it is to transport it. If it matters, they are about 1.5 hours outside of NYC.
Anon
I’ve used a similar service where they come to your house and shred onsite, it’s well worth it and you can get a lot done.
anon
Iron Mountain was recommended to us for residential shredding but we haven’t gotten around to it. There are also local companies who do similar work.
Anon
We had a local company come to my in-laws when we needed to do this. We still needed to do a lot of the organizing beforehand, but it was super helpful to get it all out of the way at once.
Anon
My city has a local mobile shred company and it is so, so easy once you have all the papers collected together for them.
Anon
If they come to you, do you need to box things up in bankers boxes or how do you handle?
Anon
This particular one will shred in real life, something like a woodchipper, in which case you just need to have stuff in piles conveniently placed to grab and toss (like, be ready to dump a whole banker’s box at a time down the chute/belt feeder thing). You do have to remove big metal binder clips and remove things from 3-ring binders, but everything else goes in. I know they will also take boxed and bag things away to shred at their facility, but my office uses the first option. They serve both businesses and residential customers, and bill on a combo of time spent and volume shredded (so if you have things ready to go, it costs less).
Sunflower
I’ve had a commercial shredding service come to me several times and it’s worth every penny. One of the benefits was that there was a video camera in the side of the shredding truck so I could actually watch each box of highly confidential documents being shredded. I wouldn’t trust a service that picks up your documents and takes them to another site to shred them.
Lexi
Yes! Lots of local, small businesses do it too. I found a small business close to me that shreds at $7 a box. They mostly do a mobile service to other local businesses so are only open a couple of hours a day, but I like being able to see them dump my papers in the machine and watch items get shredded.
AnonAnon
What would you do? My parent has been writing a memoir that will detail my parents’ marriage and include sexual misconduct, abuse etc. Parent is a narcissist and is framing it as being able to finally tell their story. Main concern is that it will force my children to learn information that we have thus far kept vague (ie Your grandparents had a complicated relationship.) My three siblings have thus far stuck their heads in the sand when I’ve tried to flag this as a concern. Do I just let the train wreck happen and then cut off contact with my parent? Clearly tell them that I will do so? Really not wanting to have the narrative flipped that I am being the controlling, difficult one but that seems inevitable as parent can’t grasp that unearthing all of this is humiliating and retraumatizing for me as well.
Anon
Is anyone likely to read this? I guess they could self-publish and put it on Amazon but I don’t think it will be anything on Oprah, etc. where your friends all see it and your kids hear about it at school. The ick factor alone would likely drive people away. “Parent clearly has some issues and I just can’t discuss any of it” seems like all the response you need for anyone who’d bring it up.
Anokha
+1 to this
Anon
This. I would just protect my children and tell them that Grandparent has some issues and it would be best to not read this. If Grandparent pressures kids into reading it, I would run interference and establish boundaries.
AnonAnon
This is great advice-thank you.
Anon
Well, you tell your child not to read something, no doubt they are going to read it!
Anon
Maybe you need better parenting skills? You don’t do a heavy-handed demand; you say it’s up to them, but point out the ulterior motives at play, the fact that people who lived this (other siblings and OP) don’t want to read it, and that which is seen can’t be unseen.
Mostly, you protect them from being guilted into reading it.
Anonymous
My thoughts exactly. No one is going to publish this book, and no one will read it if they self-publish. Just make sure your parent doesn’t give your kids a manuscript and insist they read it.
Anonymous
I disagree. Anyone who googles you will find this on Amazon. Hire a lawyer.
Anonymous
To do what? There’s nothing illegal about this.
Anonymous
yes, agree! if they have a good editor then be worried, but if it’s a vanity publication it’s probably going to be unreadable drivel.
ABanon
I know it’s hard, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much just yet. For example — will they ever finish it? Where will it be available and who will read it? You don’t have to read it or let your kids know it exists (or by then perhaps they will be able to understand & deal with it better). Memoirs, especially those without traditional publishers, aren’t regarded as strictly factual.
You don’t have to wait to cut contact or explain yourself & it’s not up to you to stop them — you can just remove yourself from the situation & focus on your own healing. Distance helps.
Anecdata
How old are your kids?
AnonAnon
Kids are 13 and 15. Parent is active in many writing/memoir groups and is very dedicated to their writing (goes on obscure podcasts, does readings etc., self-published a book of poetry.) They are very much into their identity as an author.
Anon
Ugh. Sounds insufferable.
Anonymous
This is old enough to have a more detailed discussion about what is going on. They don’t need a ton of detail but more than ‘complicated’. If they hear it from you first, they are less likely to believe whatever they may read down the road.
Question
Is your parent famous enough that this memoir will be published and/or publicized? How old are the children?
AnonAnon
To add-parent is explicitly saying they hope grandchildren will read it. Completely not grasping that we have made efforts to shield our children from what went down with their other grandparent in a rather public fashion (newspapers etc.)
Parent interpreted boundary I’ve set of not wanting to read their writing (which is basically contents of therapy sessions) as not being brave enough to bear witness to their “truth” and “story.” I already lived it once as a child and don’t want to relive it.
Anon
Heck, I hope my kids do their summer reading. My guess is that your parent is such a bad writer and it so cringe that even if they wanted to read it, after a page they ick out and stop.
Even if a parent is a brilliant writer, this sort of book needs a good editor. An ego-driven writer usually can’t take the honest feedback.
Anon
I’m not sure how old your kids are, but I will just say that I was “shielded” from family secrets and it did a lot of damage. I don’t think you need to tell anyone anything age inappropriate or go into all the details or anything, but it’s okay for your kids to learn more beyond “complicated” at some point.
Now, I’m not saying they need to learn from an abuser’s memoir if that’s what this is. I would do nothing until there’s a finished product that will be published or unless the grandparent actually sends something to the kids to read. Until that point, they’re just trying to wind you up and get a reaction, it seems like.
AnonAnon
I appreciate this perspective. It’s valuable and suppose I need to contend with how much I’ve had to deny what happened to maintain tenuous relationship with my parents at all. Easier to just lean into their (decent) grandparent role.
Anonymous
I agree with the above comment. Your kids are becoming teenagers, and this is generally the point where kids (from stable backgrounds who haven’t already learned it) learn how messed up the world can be. You can’t shield them from family secrets really and I don’t think it’s healthy. You don’t know what they’re going to encounter in life or what their future friends and partner will have encountered. It’s better to lay the groundwork for them to understand the world and their family. You obviously have a ton of feelings around your parents and I’m not sure you really know how your kids are perceiving that. I would start sharing more info (you don’t have to go into gruesome details) and about how you’ve struggled with your relationship with your parents. This isn’t one conversation but an evolving conversation over years. I’d start sharing more now and expand as you feel comfortable. Also, I don’t know exactly what the issue is, but consider how many people hide that they’ve been abused or molested. You never know what your children or your siblings’s children are going to encounter in life, and this kind of deep shame can create a culture of hiding things when you don’t mean for that to happen.
Anon
If it went down in a public fashion, your kids will eventually find out about it assuming they have a normal degree of “where did I come from” curiosity. Given their ages, they may already know more details than you think they do.
anon
I think they are allowed to tell their version of their story but no one has to read it. Unless they already have a captive audience that will read something/anything they publish, is it likely to have any readers at all?
Also, kids at some point will figure out what “complicated relationship” means so on their own, book or no book. So, I don’t think this is the hill I’d die on.
Anon
Yes, people have the right to tell their story. If victims of abuse waited until everyone felt comfortable, they would never get to speak. You don’t have to buy the book but I wouldn’t lie or make huge drama in your household.
AnonAnon
I agree but will also add that parent who is positioning themself as the victim allowed the other parent to physically and verbally abuse me. I have made my peace with that but having parent position themselves as a victim and survivor (which they are in a sense but also an enabler) is jarring.
Anon
Hugs, AnonAnon.
I’m a survivor of childhood abuse and a mother. My view is that regardless of what happened to me, I am the parent and my child is the child, so I’m responsible for protecting him and being a good mom. I don’t get a free pass on being a crap parent because I was abused.
Just a thought.
Anon
I’m really sorry. This sounds like something where protecting your heart — and not just your children’s — will be important.
Anonymous
The the memoir writer the abuser or the abused?
AnonAnon
The parent writing it did experience verbal abuse and gaslighting in the marriage. Also enabled the other parent being abusive towards me and chose to stay in marriage despite being very highly educated and able to earn a stable living. I know that comes off as discounting domestic violence-I just find myself asking why did she stay and allow that to happen to me.
Anonymous
Your mom failing you must be incredibly difficult I’m sorry. However calling an abused woman a narcissist is pretty uncharitable.
Anon
Both things can be true.
AnonAnon
Both are true about my mother. She is a trauma survivor, a narcissist, experienced domestic abuse and enabled the other parent to abuse me.
Anonymous
Unless there was evidence that your father was physically abusive to you beyond the bounds of legal parental discipline – eg whipping, it is very likely that he would have gotten 50-50 custody. Many parents stay in situations of domestic violence to protect their children.
Being highly educated doesn’t make you immune from domestic violence especially when there is gaslighting and not physical abuse. It is only more recently that verbal abuse has been recognized as domestic violence. The attitude that there are no bruises so it can’t have been that bad prevailed for a long time.
Anon
Don’t forget, “verbal abuse as violence” can be used against victims. For example, a husband might calmly insult his wife, degrade her, and belittle her without ever raising his voice. She tries to reason with him, explains how it’s hurtful, all that; he brushes her off; she finally snaps and yells at him.
That’s a hot mess in a courtroom.
No Face
I would do nothing – change the subject when it comes up, never read it, etc. if your parent is a narcissist, you talking about the impact on you won’t stop the memoir anyway. Your siblings are taking the healthy approach by ignoring it and living their own lives.
I think Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a very helpful book if you’re interested.
AnonAnon
This is a good point. Guess I’m mostly angry and concerned about impact it would potentially have on my teenage children and their relationships with grandparents.
Anon
Same poster on a different device. I think you are getting great advice. Young children should be protected, but the teenage years are for having a deeper understanding of the complexity of the people around you. One of the best things my mom did was have real conversations about serious issues. Knowing about some relatives’ serious addiction problems made it very, very easy to “just say no” when my classmates starting offering substances to me at parties.
I also learned that my most beloved grandma was a monster MIL to my mom. Some people are great in some ways and terrible in other ways, which is an important lesson.
AnonAnon
Thank you-I really appreciate this perspective.
Anon
Its the hard part about being human. Your mother can be a terrible enabler and failed to protect you and you have to reconcile that same person as being ‘grandma’ to your kids. Its alot to try and hold all at once and I’m sorry that you’ve had to.
I loved my only grandparent deeply. I never thought they’d turn the nasty narcisstic monster side toward me. It was a heartbreak, it tore me to pieces. I was newly 28, just days before the holidays, when this happened. What my mothers parent did was a stab to her heart, after a lifetime of knife cuts and nicks from her parent.
You want to protect your kids. But dont let them be blindsided. There are age appropriate conversations you can and should be having with them.
fwiw, this isnt just your parents story to tell. It’s part of your life story too.
Vicky Austin
Well put, Anon 1037.
Anon
I don’t understand getting upset by this, your kids have a right to know their history at some point. If it’s public, I’d appreciate being able to read the public account and my relative’s narrative too.
AnonAnon
I think some things are best buried. My parents’ issues and public misconduct completely interrupted being able to focus on my own growth and development and I cringe at them once again becoming the primary focus as my children navigate teenage years and being young adults.
Anon
As someone whose parents kept a lot of family secrets buried until they weren’t, I completely disagree with you. Knowing what happened explains things and clears up dynamics and takes the mystery out of the tensions that kids feel and can’t explain. OP, you can always tell your kids your side of the story too.
Anon
“Primary focus” is an interesting phrase to me. Your universe is different today than it was when you were a child. Your nuclear family was your world as a child – and the with your parents was very obviously the primary focus of your world. It is not today – you have a career, activities, your own kids, your own identity as an adult. This only becomes the primary focus of your adult life if you allow it to.
I know we talk about therapy all the time here, but some (more?) therapy on the feelings this book is bringing up and establishing boundaries could be very helpful.
Anonymous
+1. My grandparents are awful, in a lot of ways. Growing up with them traumatized my mother. But it hasn’t really had any major psychological impact on me. Because I grew up with loving parents with a sense of normalcy in my home, I knew implicitly that they weren’t normal or healthy, and I always kept emotional distance from their drama, even when I was too young to use or understand that language. Your parents won’t have the same importance to your kids’ lives that they did to your own.
Anonymous
You keep referencing your own feelings. I think you need to do your best to step back and recognize that your teens and your parents have their own agency in this.
I think your implication that your teens won’t be able to focus on their growth and development due to this is way out of touch with an actual threat. You’re clearly still very angry at your parents (and likely rightfully so), but it seems like you should be focused on resolving that versus whether you think they should or shouldn’t be pursuing their narcissistic hobby.
Anon
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot that was very traumatic in your developing years.
It feels a little like you’re combining your experience with your kids’ experience and that this is bringing up a lot of emotion for you. It’s okay to be upset by being asked to relive a painful portion of your life. And you should definitely allow yourself to grieve the life you wish you’d had in those years, while also maintaining whatever space you need away from this manuscript.
Having said that, this experience will not have the same impact on your kids because it sounds like you are providing them a stable home that you weren’t given. If they gain access to all this, they have a much different emotional landscape and I promise it will not derail them.
AnonAnon
I appreciate this perspective so much-thank you.
Anon
This is a kind way to state things.
My own family had some very hush-hush, top secret scandals that the prior generation tried to keep quiet. As a kid, I knew there was something we didn’t talk about but never really understood what it was, until my dad finally spilled the beans on our drive home from a family holiday event when I was an older teen. I understand why his generation didn’t want to talk about it but it was only a mildly curious thing to me. Once I knew, I really didn’t think much of it. It definitely did not traumatize me or change how I thought about my other family members.
Anon
Why would your kids even have access to it? Ignore it, don’t read it, don’t bring it up to them.
Anonymous
My grandfather was a published author (though not hugely successful) and I was fascinated by reading his stuff when I was around 17-20. He died when I was very young so I didn’t have any memories of him, and reading his books made me feel like were connected across generations (and made me understand my mother a bit better). He was also a difficult man and had a very difficult relationship with my grandmother (they were both probably narcissists too), who lived with us when I was in high school so I got to hear her side of things directly. Anyway all of this is to say that the book may be very painful for you and you can feel free to ignore it and/or tell your parent how hurtful you find it. However, it may be interesting for your children to read when they’re old enough, and you can provide context for it as well if they decide to read it later.
Anonymous
I’m sorry that you grew up in an unsafe and abusive home. That trauma is serious, and it’s very natural for you to be taken back to bad memories and feel unsafe again in this situation.
Your children have had a very different life. They have had a safe life, safe home and safe parent in you. They will not feel this situation from a place of trauma, but from a safe home. They will not feel your flashbacks, patterns or sadness from a place of hurt. They will not be hurt the way you have been, even when or if they learn how you were harmed.
Because you are safe, they are safe.
Vancouver
My great uncle self published a memoir and several updates to it and would give it as gifts to anyone he came in contact with. We have several copies. I think my mom skimmed it but she may have been the only person in our family to actually do so. It was a lot of stories about having to shoot the family dog, etc. Everyone else looked thru the pictures included, said it was great, and stuck it on the shelf. Unless your parent is someone notable enough to garner media attention, I would not worry. And if the kids do read it, it’s a great opportunity to have a conversation about all that with them.
Anon
My great uncle also “wrote” a book. I think maybe he even hired a ghost writer. Copies were basically given to the whole family and I had newborn twins at the time and read it in the middle of the night while pumping bc if i went on my phone i couldn’t fall back asleep. think I’m the only family member who actually read the whole thing
AnonAnon
OP here-thank you for the insightful comments and feedback. They helped me get in a more “adult” frame of mind about this. Especially helpful to consider that my kids’ worlds might not be rocked by any revelations because they have their own safe, secure primary family system. Mostly I just am…tired of the outsize impact my parents have had on my life and don’t want to have to deal with all of this again and the idea of discussing what growing up was like with my kids in detail feels overwhelming so am going to try to “gray rock” it as much as possible while reserving the right to take space/not speak to my parent for a while if it feels too hurtful.
Anonymous
Hey OP, I get where you’re coming from but can you hear how much power your childhood and your parents have over you. I promise if you share a little more with your kids, who are teenagers now, it will be a relief to not carry this secret. You don’t have to go into details and you could ask your husband to have a first conversation with them. Once it’s not a deep dark secret, it will have less weigh on you regardless of how your parents act. You also have permission to change your relationship with your parents. You can cut them off or take a break from them. Your childhood wasn’t ok, and you don’t have to pretend.
Anon
I had a great relationship with my grandparents growing up. I still found it helpful by the time I was a teen to hear about problems with how they raised their kids (which included alcoholism and overt DV on one side of the family as well as more complicated forms of neglect and head games on the other side of the family). It made sense of some of the subtle tensions and vibes that were perceptible by the time I was a teen. I still think of my grandparents as the grandparents they were to me (maybe that is painful in a way to my parents, but I think it’s also what they wanted for me).
Anon
Just leave it alone. You don’t have to cut contact over this unless you have other reasons to. But ignoring it, which includes you not reading it and also not forbidding anyone else from doing so, will be your best bet here.
AnonAnon
What’s the best vacation you’ve ever taken, your dream vacation, trips you’re planning or if you own a second vacation property where is it? Having a lousy work day and wanting to indulge in fantasy trip planning.
Anon
After watching White Lotus my dream vacation is Hawaii (although I realize it’s problematic to go there). I was just blown away by how gorgeous it was.
Anon
Why is it problematic to go there? [Like if not there, where is it not problematic to go?]
I get that in some areas that are tourist areas, tourism is the local industry because nothing else has been viable there. A lot of beautiful areas lose population because there are no jobs and many young people move away for work and those left often depend on remittances to stay afloat. Some local economies still need tourism or else things will be quite dire — roads aren’t built, teachers aren’t hired, hospitals have to close. This is in the US and elsewhere. I feel bad that locals have such crummy opportunities but making local people poorer by not going isn’t going to improve things for them, either.
Anon
It’s not necessarily true that it’s tourism or bust for those economies. Tourism sucks up all the oxygen and a lot of capital is used to further develop more tourism rather than support other economic activity. So, don’t make yourself feel better by assuming you’re saving all those poor locals. And, you know, if the locals of a certain place say it’s harmful, maybe believe them.
Anon
I’m sure some locals everywhere say that X is harmful. But when a place has become a pretty major regional city and already has grown through migration from Asia and the US, I feel that all voices matter. Someone who has been there 100 years? Only people who have been there 250+ years? What about people there now with kids who worry about their kids’ futures?
In my area, family farms are being bought to put solar farms on because the land is worth nothing and it’s sunny. It creates a garbage look for locals and benefits people in cities. But it’s not my land. I don’t try to control what others do. I don’t like it though. And my parents left for other opportunities — maybe I shouldn’t even count anymore since my life on the land is only decades long, but I’m not selling my land for solar if I can help it.
Anon
OK — so go nowhere as a tourist. Business travel only (but that could have been a zoom or an e-mail). Just stay home.
Anon
I mean, I’m not gonna stop you getting on a plane. But you could maybe stop for a second and think about how what you do affects other people. Just a thought.
Anon
But solar panels help combat climate change so it’s overall good for us?
Anon
Re: solar panels – if your community isn’t requiring the company to plant barrier trees so that the panels aren’t readily visible, that’s on your community officials for not caring about your community’s appearance. I know a deep dark red community in the middle of nowhere that told the solar company to plant living screens. It’s all about your local officials.
Anon
It literally is tourism or bust at this point for a lot of Hawaii.
Anon
Oh my goodness…. sounds like some people need some real problems to worry about.
Anon
Seriously. If I were a Custer descendant I might expect not to be welcomed to South Dakota. But I’m not and my time in this planet is very recent, so I am not borrowing problems from the past. I just want to travel a bit.
Anon
Haha @12:57 – I’m more closely related to Sitting Bull than Custer – I’m part Lakota Sioux, and still have plenty of family in South and North Dakota. SD in particular relatives are pretty MAGA and would probably welcome Custer back with open arms.
Anon
IDK — if someone there is open for having me as a guest, I guess that person’s preferences matter to me. If no one is willing to serve guests or it’s not safe for travelers, I pay attention to that. But where I’m wanted, I will go if it suits me.
Anon
The people of Hawaii are literally asking for tourists not to come.
Anon
The people of Maui were begging people to come back. Which voices count??
Anon
Hawaii is so contentious, I want to skip it altogether. Except I really want to see all 50 states and I’ve got 47. Maybe there’s a way to visit that is thoughtful and not upsetting to native Hawaiians, but I’m definitely not eager to go when tourism is such a loaded issue there.
Anon
I had family in Hawaii at one point. There is a large Asian community there and many of those people are Americans. There is a lot of anti -Haole sentiments by some (not all) native Hawaiians and that word is a slur. Many families include a blending of all cultures there. It is complicated and not monolithic. There are many voices. Not one voice.
Anon
Hawaii and Hawaiians are not a monolith. Some hate the tourism. Some don’t.
+1 to whose voices count?
Anon
Of course Hawaii is safe for travelers!
Anon
I cannot argue against Hawaii. It’s the only place I’ve been that’s actually better than the hype.
Anon
Even the airport was amazing.
Anon
One bad day at work I plotted out a cross country road trip to take me to every national park in the continental US. It was very fun
Anon.
That is awesome and I would love to do this one day (maybe in regional sections, though).
Anon
This is not glam, but in middle school we did a unit on the Panama Canal and I’ve always wanted to go through it on a boat. That used to be a thing (we used to have a court back when the canal zone was ours and some lucky people got to do clerkships there back in the day) for cruise ships to go through but IDK now because of size limits. I’d also just love to see cargo ships go through. I feel like there is some niche group that may be into this and tropical medicine and it would be me and a million older dudes, but I’d do it. In my mind, in vintage old-school Banana Republic gear and a lot of glam mosquito netting and cool pith hats.
Anon
I have a friend who did it on his sail boat! A couple of other friends flew in to help and they said it was one of the coolest things they’ve ever done.
Anon
I am dumb about boats, but if you depend on the wind, how can you manage the canal? I do know that you go from the Atlantic to the Pacific by going east (not west) because of how the canal is oriented on the isthmus (my 50-cent word of the day).
anon
Sailboats have engines.
Anon
The large sailboats that you would take to the Panama Canal have motors. Smaller day sailing boats often don’t, but you wouldn’t take them on a trip like this.
Anonymous
My father went through the Panama canal on a cruise ship at some point in the last 10 years. It was a bucket list thing for him too.
Anon
I went on a Panama Canal cruise in college with my parents. I thought it was incredibly boring, but I’m not into engineering and we spent most of our time just sitting in what was essentially a cruise ship traffic jam. I think it might have been more interesting on a smaller boat or before it got super popular, but being on one of dozens of cruise ships isn’t really that interesting.
Seventh Sister
My mom and dad did a Panama Canal cruise and loved it. They said it was really interesting and fun. Part of the reason was that my mom was born in Panama (Midwestern grandpa worked on the canal in the 1940s) and she got to visit the city where she was born, got a special tour of the area, etc.
Anon
The very best trip I’ve ever been on was taking the ferry from Kodiak to Dutch Harbor in Alaska, but I was very lucky that the weather was spectacular the whole way. The second best was a road trip on the Dempster Highway all the way to the Arctic Ocean.
anonshmanon
New Zealand was my best trip and is also amazing for dream planning.
Anon.
Having just returned from a trip to Japan (have been 3 times), I’d go there again in a heartbeat. Food, people, sights, hospitality… Everything there is just wonderful. I always feel so calm and relaxed there, even in the big cities.
RR
Same.
Seventh Sister
This is my dream vacation.
Anonymous
Japan is one of my dream trips!
AnonAnon
I’ve loved trips to Barbados, Jamaica, St. Pete Beach, Paris. Trips I hope to take are Spain, Italy and Greece. Found the Florida Keys to be very meh. Liked Costa Rica but wasn’t blown away.
LawDawg
My dream trip, for years, was the Galapagos Islands. I took my family about 10 years ago and it was everything I hoped for and more. Every stop was different and highlighted animals or ecology that was fascinating. More recently, I went on a safari in Tanzania and loved that too. I am all about nature and animals. And last year, I bought a vacation home in Door County, WI. The nearest stop light is about 20 miles away, I can see Lake Michigan from my front porch as I type this. I am a very lucky person.
Runcible
Oh, wouldn’t you like to go visit the Danum Valley Rainforest Lodge in Malaysia, to see the Orangutans? That’s one of my dream vacations, if I could eliminate the heat, humidity, and bugs!
anon
Best- France, Paris and Nice
Dream- island hopping Greece or a yacht charter in BVI
Planning- Legoland
Vacation property- Maine, but selling
Anon
Best: Marrakech
Dream: Venice in late fall (yes I know I’ll be wading)
Planned: Hotel Xcaret Arte in Mexico by myself. I haven’t really been anywhere since my divorce as I lost the desire for traveling by myself while married, so this is a way to ease into it.
2nd property: condo in a town that is crazy touristy in one area and perfectly fine in other areas. I am in one of the other areas. It’s an early purchase on a retirement home.
Anonymous
Venice get a bit cold in late fall/winter, and all transportation is outside. I think early fall, after the summer heat is gone, is ideal. You can still go to the Lido that way :)
Anonymous
My dream vacations are Galapagos and Borneo and Maldives. My mother was offering to pay a huge chunk of a trip to Borneo this year and sadly I still cannot come close to affording to go.
Anon
Best vacation: South Africa (Capetown and Tswalu for safari)
Dream vacation: Jordan & Egypt; Morocco; Galapagos; Arctic Circle
Planning: Zion National Park
No second vacation property, but we return often to Steamboat Springs, Colorado and love it there
Enjoy your mental globetrotting today!
Anon
Capetown faves? I’m the person below you going next summer.
Anon
Best – Bora Bora
Dream – Antarctica, Maldives, Galapagos, Patagonia are at the top of my list
Planning – safari in South Africa for next July/August
Vacation home – family home (originally belonged to my grandparents) in Maine, but like the poster above we’re selling it. We will continue visiting the area though because we all love it.
Senior Attorney
Best: Without question, Antarctica earlier this year. We were on a small ship and spent three weeks in Antarctica, the Falklands, and South Georgia Island. The scenery, the wildlife… it was just mind-blowing in the very best way. (I know there are those who will criticize me for going, but the company we used abides by all the international protective treaties and agreements.)
Dream: African Safari — need to get that going!
Planning: Morocco in October, Norway in February 2025, Australia in May/June 2025, somewhere in Europe fall 2025, Japan in March 2026, Mallorca for the solar eclipse in 2026. Also planning a 3-week-or-so road trip in southwest U.S. in the fairly new future.
Second property: We used to own a small ski condo in Northern California but we weren’t really using it (too small to host friends) so we sold it last year.
Anon
Mallorca was unexpectedly wonderful! We visited with our then 4 year old daughter so I’m sure your trip will be very different, but it really surprised me how lovely it was.
CMS
Best- Galapagos/Mainland Ecuador and Swiss Alps
Dream- Africa safari, New Zealand
Planning- Norway
Vacation property- None, I fear travel commitment
Anonymous
best: I can’t choose. I have loved Tanzania (safari), Italy, Turkey, and Vieques, but they are very different trips.
dream and also planning: New Zealand
no vacation property, but my husband and I muse about buying something on Vieques. it’s mostly just a fantasy but… maybe one day.
Vancouver
Because the travel recommendations here are always so stellar – what are your favorite things to see, eat and do in Vancouver this time of year? Will be going with two 7 year olds so kid friendly a plus.
Anon
Three restaurant recommendations:
1. The Lunch Lady. Best Vietnamese food you’ll ever eat. Casual and family-friendly.
2. Pidgin. Beautiful French-Asian fusion. We wandered into this place by chance, and the service was so gracious and welcoming.
3. Vij’s. Haven’t been here recently, but has a reputation as amazing Indian food.
Activities for kids:
– Rent bikes and ride around Stanley Park. There are some hills, so you might want an e-bike. All the rental shops have tandems if you want to make it easier for the kids.
– The Aquarium is fantastic. Also located inside Stanley Park.
– The Science Center is great for kids.
– Capilano suspension bridge is beautiful. Know your kids, though. Our 8-yr-old doesn’t love heights and was scared to cross the bridge.
Anon
Instead of Capilano Suspension Bridge, Lynn Canyon also has a suspension bridge and it’s free. The Capilano salmon hatchery is very cool to visit, you can see salmon jumping up stream.
Take the gondola up Grouse Mountain. Get a Beaver Tail at the top and enjoy the beautiful view. There is entertainment like the Lumberjack show which is fun for kids.
Granville Island is a fun place to visit. There are lots of good food options, a kids market and a water park. You could also take a little False Creek ferry across False Creek which is a cool experience for a kid.
RR
We did a great speedboat tour out of Granville Island last year. We all had to put on big float suits, which the kids loved. Granville Island in general is worth the better part of a day. Grouse Mountain, Capilano, take the little ferry from Granville and do the Science Museum.
Anon
I did a slow boat thing out of Granville with my daughter when we were near Vancouver for a club sports event. I think it was a water taxi and we just did a round trip. For anyone not into the speed boat thing!
Clara
I’m also going to Vancouver soon! Would take any non-kid-friendly options :)
Anon.
We did a whale watching tour out of Vancouver about 10 years ago. Unfortunately I don’t recall the operator, and I think it was from Steveston which is a cute little harbor town to the south.
Anon
My only note on Granville Island is that the shops close early! I would have thought things would be open until 9ish but that wasn’t true.
Anon
We did an orca watching trip with Wild Whales Vancouver and that was the highlight of the city for me.
Cb
Since apparently it is travel day, I’m going to Stockholm to see my bestie next week. Any burning recommendations? She says its too cold to swim in the Archipelago but I live in Scotland and swim in Northern Portugal every winter?
Anon NYC
I’m in NYC and went to Sweden in August. I was surprised at how cold I was! I’d go to the Vassa Museum and go to the little islands if she has a car. Stockholm is beautiful and underrated in my opinion but nothing really stands out. The food wasn’t very exciting. It’s just nice to walk around.
anon
I thought the food was fantastic! It’s not spiced in an interesting way but extremely fresh and the dairy is just so good. I would recommend tunnbrodsrulle at one of the stands. Yes on shrimp, yes on their equivalent of creme fraiche – your mind will be blown. Buy some unfamiliar candy. Drink hot chocolate. Eat the sour milk with muesli for breakfast. Load up on buttered mashed potatoes at the pub after walking up and down the hills. I’m one of those “clean eaters” in my desk life now but grew up on cereals and dairy in another freezing country and I know the good stuff from the “been in storage forever” and “boiled to death, devoid of flavor” cattle feed. Among the many freezing-place variations, Swedish food is really good.
anon Swede
Next week? You can definitely swim in the archipelago. The islands are idyllic, highly recommend a boat trip. Also highly recommend the ABBA Museum. I really like Glashuset Restaurant & Bar on Strandvagen for food/drinks. It’s right on the water and you can watch people and boats. Amazing on a sunny day. Second Vasa Museum as a recommendation, although if I had to choose I would choose ABBA museum.
Ses
If you like vegetarian food and a hippy vibe, Herman’s is awesome. I go there whenever I’m in Stockholm.
StockholmRestaurant
I was in Stockholm for 2 nights this summer. Highly recommend DalaNisse for dinner. If you can’t make a reservation, get on their wait list. It was outstanding!
Anon
Has anyone ever used a paid interview coach? Was it worth it? Who’d you use? Any other thoughts?
anon
No, several friends have asked me to coach them because I’ve done a lot of hiring, but it’s casual, like over a lunch date where we practice interview questions and I give them some talking points on what to say/not say
Betty
I haven’t done a paid one but my grad school offers interview coaching and salary negotiation strategy sessions for free for alumni.
Check with your Alma maters.
Lexi
Yes, highly recommend! I used her for resume and interview help. YMMV, and especially dependent on your sector, but found it super helpful. I interviewed a few coaches and was looking for someone with hiring experience and experience in my geographical area. Here’s her info: https://kdbcoaching.com/
anon
I have concerns about how attached my 14-year-old is to his phone. Yes, he’s a teen; to some extent, that’s to be expected. But I feel like he is not handling the responsibility well.
– He looks for ways around screentime limits we’ve set. Set a limit for an app? He’ll find a way to get through on a web browser.
– We don’t allow social media. It doesn’t seem to matter, as everything that’s on TikTok eventually ends up on YouTube anyway. We actually deleted YouTube for a week as a reset and he.lost.his.mind. We’ve talked to him about how his attitude and snottiness are off the charts after he binges YT videos.
– Phones are not allowed in class, but in high school, they are allowed during passing periods and lunch. I hate it, but that’s the district policy. His friends confiscated his phone during lunch the other day so he’d eat instead of messing around on the phone. There is absolutely no reason he needs phone access during the day, but obviously, I am not right beside him in the hallways to tell him to put it away! We need him to have a phone available at school so we can notify him about pickups. However, DH and I are discussing turning off everything except the ability to make calls.
I believe kids need to learn how to moderate screen use. My concern is that it is too tempting and too distracting for a kid who already struggles to pay attention. Relevant to this conversation: He has ADHD. And there is zero self-moderation happening here.
I’m frustrated because everything with tech is like playing whack-a-mole. Believe it or not, we haven’t given him free rein and we delayed smartphone use way longer than most of the parents we know. He’s required to dock the phone in the kitchen at night (though we have caught him trying to use it after hours).
If anyone else has some smartphone limits that are actually working for your family, I’m open to new ideas.
Anon
My parents tried to control me like this, different era so it wasn’t phones, but it didn’t work. I found work around. Kids gotta grow up at some point and figure things out. Let the consequences happen naturally. I’d let the social pressure do its thing – if his friends are saying phones down, that’s what more powerful than anything you’ll do.
Anon
Screen addiction is a real thing, in line with other addictions. It physically changes the brain, particularly in children. It’s not sneaking out to go to the mall.
anon
OP here, and yes, that’s my concern.
Cora
OTOH, if his friends confiscated his phone so he’d eat lumch, that makes me think he’s getting addicted. That has to mean he was just staring at his phone all lunch break instead of eating, and “hey man eat your lunch” didn’t work.
Anon
I am not sure anything truly comparable existed prior to smart phones, at least for people with ADHD? Not that people didn’t get hooked on things like slot machines, but they couldn’t bring them with them to lunch!
Anon
Flip phone.
Anon
+1. I’m not in the camp that says “kids will be kids, let them do whatever.” It seems that your son is struggling with phone addiction, as many are, and the fact is that phones are meant to steal attention and break limits by design (infinite scroll, suggested videos, etc.). It sounds like he doesn’t have the maturity (because his brain literally isn’t done developing) for this responsibility.
Cat
yeah, this is consistent with my parents’ reaction to behavior like this. Like, you want to be treated as old enough to have a smartphone? then you need to be old enough to use it responsibly. You’ve shown us you’re not there yet so here is a dumb-phone in the meantime.
Anon
Agree with this
anonshmanon
How long has he had his phone? Screen use is such a big time suck even for non teenagers, learning that lesson is a big challenge and may take time. For me, it would take realizing the opportunity cost; browsing the Internet isn’t inherently bad but I lose time that should be spent differently. The peer pressure from his friends is a good sign that he’s close to that.
Anonymous
Is he medicated?
anon
Yes.
anon
My kids are crafty about this too. And I hear you on the lack of self moderation for ADHD, it’s all in.
Can you fill up his schedule with screen free activities? Sports, clubs? Make them mandatory for him. I signed my son up for BJJ and he can go as much as 4 days a week. If I’m feeling like he would just zombie out on a screen that day, BJJ is it. In the summer there are overnight camps and activities that are screen free. What feels like “over scheduling” for non-ADHD kids is just scheduling for us.
anon
He’s in plenty of activities. It definitely helps, but The Screen is his preferred activity when he’s not at an activity.
anon
“But I feel like he is not handling the responsibility well.” He is not, and he cannot. You’re right that if he has ADHD that “off” switch is not working, not because he’s misbehaving or anything, it’s just how he’s wired.
Agree with the other comment about medication. DH has ADHD and told me that without medication, it is much harder to recognize situations and exercise self control, not impossible, but much hazier.
anon
I too have a 14 yo and worry too. I can say that there seems to be some sort of change in the wind. i have two high schoolers at 2 different schools and both schools sent around new, significantly more limiting phone rules for the new school year.
anon
I’m glad they did that! I’m shocked at how meh our school has been about it.
Anon for this
As someone who has ADHD and struggles with regulating myself on my phone some days, I’d like to recommend the Brick. I got one a few weeks ago and I’ve found it incredibly helpful so that I don’t have to use my limited willpower policing my own phone usage during the workday. It’s a combination of an app and a physical device. You can customize within the app to specify what apps are still allowed while your phone is “bricked” and then you click a button in the app and touch your phone to the device and it locks it down. You can’t unlock until you touch the device again, so I keep it in my car and lock/unlock my phone before and after work. You could have him lock it down at home before leaving for school and then unlock it when he gets home. The website is getbrick.app. The only thing I’m not sure about is whether you can block websites so you’ll need to check on that.
Anonymous
We had to take our kids phones away at 2 different points as a punishment for misbehavior, but the break was really good for them. So you might just take it away for a while. I know you say he needs the phone for notification about pickups, but what would you have done before he had a cell phone? When we took my daughter’s phone away, that meant she rode the bus everyday because we couldn’t plan anything different. (Sometimes she will get a ride with one of her friends who is getting picked up that day, or whatever. But that wasn’t allowed when she didn’t have a phone.) You can set limits and take the phone away once those limits are up and if he doesn’t folflow them, take the phone away for a while. Also help make non-phone time as a family a routine thing. We don’t allow phones at the table, and we all take a nightly walk/bike ride or in the summer we swim in the evenings with no phone. We do allow phones at the gym, which helps encourage our kids to go with us because they can sit on a bike and watch something lol but that’s fine with me.
Anonymous
For our 13 yr old we have downtime every night from 9pm to 7am. She’s allowed a half hour before school after she is ready, whatever time she uses at school with friends, a half hour after school. And an hour after dinner when homework is done.
Spread it out over the day means she is able to stay connected. Whole family rules of no tech at meals and no eating in front of screens to ensure eating is more mindful. We follow these as well.
We have the family charging station on the wall just inside the door to our bedroom. All electronics are docked there overnight. No tech in rooms at night is a big one for us.
Anon
I think screens are like alcohol — it’s not something teens need to learn to moderate. It’s something that they need to see moderation modeled for, and then hopefully be in a position to moderate when they are adults. I would get him a dumb phone, or coordinate pickups before dropping him off (like in the old days).
Anonymous
Can you great it like an addiction and detox him? Did he go to a screen free summer camp this summer?
Yes, you need to message him about pickups but I think it would be possible to go without for a few weeks. My kid lost their phone and she lost it fully. It was a huge pain and often one or both of us were left waiting around. A couple times she had to (gasp) call me from a friend’s phone or the school office. She lived. I lived.
Kate
First, I want to say that I think it is wonderful how dialed-into this issue you are. This can make all the different in situations like this one. Second, a book recommendation: https://www.amazon.com/Unwired-Gaining-Control-Addictive-Technologies/dp/1009257935
Finally, I wonder what the punishments have been when you find him sneaking around the rules relative to his phone? That follow-through can make all the difference.
Anon
Favorite travel bloggers or travel s*ites/Instagrams?
anon
I follow a couple of channels on YouTube:
Chews to Explore
The Lovers Passport
anon
I follow a couple of channels on YouTube:
Chews to Explore
The Lovers Passport
Anon
journeyious
Anon
Outside magazine
anon
For those in AI companies or where AI is imperative to the company’s future, are you frustrated with the pace things are moving? I’m in the AI imperative category, and our leadership messages how important it is, but when I see adoption at my lower level, it’s going at a snails pace. In fact, most days I don’t see any adoption at all, it’s business as usual like 5 years ago. Still very manual, still very slow.
Anon
Yeah, I’m at a tech company that is so far very afraid of AI and we’re officially not allowed to use it.
Anonymous
I’m not in this boat, but I’m curious what companies would fit into this category where you’d be frustrated not to have access to it? AI right now seems so poor it doesn’t seem like any wonder adoption feels slow
Anon
Also curious. My company is encouraging us to explore ways to make use of AI, and it honestly sucks. It doesn’t even do a good job substituting for a regular, manual internet search. You have to vet everything it generates to make sure the response isn’t full of BS, and the process of refining the prompts to get remotely useful results is more tedious than doing the task yourself.
Anon
So much this. It’s wild how long we’ve been at a place where downloading or digitizing files and using Agent Ransack/FileLocatorPro is more useful and efficient for a lot of search tasks.
Anon
Yes and no. I see enthusiastic experimentation with LLM based services because they’re shiny and new and impressive at sounding human, but continued lack of interest in boring, pre-existing approaches to automation, search, interface efficiency, and other QoL upgrades that would help a lot more than a chatbot + text generator.
anon
I am in STEM, and the general consensus is you ought to do something with AI, because it’s the magic word that will give you funding from the powers that be. However, there is no guidance or direction, and many people, especially the senior decision makers who are not tech savvy, just can’t wrap their head around the technology and what it could potentially contribute. It feels very stuck.
Anon
My company is adopting it, but at a very measured pace. There are a lot of legal concerns with it, so it must go through various reviews.
Annon
I’m at a tech company which has tight bounds on how we can use AI & high degree of nervousness about mis-use. But they have just rolled out an approved in-network solution and its awesome!
The best use case that I’ve found so far is doing meeting notes for me. For small meetings where everyone is dialed in (vs in a room), its fantastic with the right prompt.
2nd best use case is for vague search requests to find files or emails. “help me find the email I sent to Mary in July about the widgets”
Anon
On both of those examples, how does it actually help? Like, do you just record the meeting and have it summarize the transcript for minutes? I currently take minutes for a number of board meetings and usually have them complete within 5 minutes of leaving the meeting because I just take them as we go. I struggle to see how AI can do that better (we intentionally do not record our meetings).
And for search…how is AI different than using the native search function in your email to look for “Mary AND July AND 2024 AND widgets”? Not trying to be obstinate, I just really would like to understand the hype. It feels like my firm wants us to use AI because it is a shiny new toy, when I already have a functional solution and AI is slower and less reliable whenever I try it out.
Anonymous
I am not able to write minutes as I go, as I am generally actively involved in the discussion / leading the meeting. For the vast majority of minutes that I attend/lead, there are actually no minutes ever taken/circulated. The minutes AI writes are much more comprehensive and thorough than anything I would ever do, and it generally does a good job of catching action items and owners. So I get great notes with no effort on my part within moments of the meeting ending.
Its basically like having an eager intern — extra bandwidth but non-expert, but you do have to monitor the quality of the output. I have refined the prompt that I use (cut and paste each time) and its getting better and better.
It searches docs, email and chat messages. Somehow, I find it easier to type “what is the last name of Mary from acme” or “what did Mary and I talk about last week” than to structure a useful search. Outlook seems to always give out both too many results and not what I’m looking for.
NaoNao
Yes, me! I’m in a healthcare adjacent industry and we have so much PHI and legal concerns it’s been a super slow roll out. My role is in training so there are many applications in two areas: to use when designing and developing training materials (it can go so much faster than us, especially making boilerplate language, outlines, developing lesson objectives, and so on) and using AI as a training tool. I’m most excited about custom GPTs but we just barely rolled out a ChatGPT style tool for internal and very limited use. I made a proposal for some training classes around using AI strategically in L&D and they have to go through multiple lengthy, opaque and tangled levels of review for micro-courses, it’s maddening.
Anonymous
does anyone else here have a defined benefit plan? I know they’re pretty rare. sole-proprietor LLC.
Anon
I do but as a participant, not the plan sponsor.
Anon
Oooh oooh oooh, I do! And I am a pension actuary at one of the very big actuarial firms so valuing these is my day job (among other things relating to these plans). You’re right that they’re more rare now, and I have worked on several plan terminations recently, but IBM actually just reopened one for new participants and accruals recently, so they’re not dead!
Anon
I’m a casualty actuary & took a lump sum when they offered it when I was around 50. I didn’t trust the firm to be there for 30+ years. We’ll see.
Anon
I do – I’m a Fed and the FERS system is a defined benefit plan.
Anon
I have a sole proprietor LLC and wonder what you’re considering? Buying a defined benefit plan for your business? I just contribute to an SEP IRA. I have my tax preparer tell me how much I can contribue at tax time every year.
Anon
I’m an ERISA attorney. My husband (fed) and mom (…old) both have DBs, but I have a DC. Curious what you’re thinking as a sole proprietorship.
Anon
If you have only ever had your hair cut at a walk-in place like Supercuts, how do you go about finding a stylist?
I really just want someone to look at my hair and face shape, help me figure out a cut that will work with my very limited abilities to actually style it so I feel more polished at work, and show me how to pull it off on a daily basis. I don’t want color or treatments or complicated upkeep.
A.n.o.n.
ask a contact/friend whose hair you like where they get theirs cut.
ime if you go in with a rough idea (like shoulder length or layers, etc, a stylist will help you figure out if it will work for your hair and then execute it
anon
+1
Anon
Yes to this. And also just know that it might take some trial and error, which (for me at least) can be frustrating. Be as direct and honest as you can (what you’ve written here is perfect), and also have your list of absolute no’s (bangs, shorter than your earlobe, whatever).
Anon
Do research, look at Google reviews, and bring pictures to show your stylist.
Lexi
Instagram for finding someone in my area and seeing what their looks are on real people, following hair salons and stylists. There’s a lot of change post COVID, stylists are charging a lot more, many have left my area, and a have seen a lot of mediocre, expensive work out there. After some bad experiences, finally found someone I’m happy with and she’s booked 2-3 months in advance.
Anonymous
1) Go to a salon for a blow out or manicure.
2) while there identify someone at the salon who has hair you like either employee or client.
3) Ask them who did it and make an appointment with that stylist.
4) At the appointment say you want hair like the person you admired earlier.
Anon
Sneaker recs?
I saw someone talking about Kiziks on here the other day and wonder if those are meant to be casual or fashion sneakers. I don’t care that much about the step-in feature.
At this point I wear sneakers all day long and want to be able to go on a walk of up to 2 miles at any time.
In terms of appearance, I prefer a blue sneaker – I don’t like all white sneakers.
If this is how you wear your sneakers, which are your favorites?
Senior Attorney
I really like my New Balance. I find them a little snug so I size up half a size. https://www.nordstrom.com/s/gender-inclusive-574-sneaker/7676549?
Calico Cat
ON Cloud 5 or any of their “lifestyle” shoes
anon
I walk 2-10 miles a day in Adidas Grand Court shoes with orthotic inserts (which I also wear for running). I’ve put 15 miles on them once! I do have to replace them about once every 3-5 months, unfortunately, but we don’t have a car and these are basically the only shoes I wear when not exercising so it’s not too bad. They have lots of colors!
kids with phones
as a follow up to the phone question. I really hate how all my niblings just like disappear once they get a phone, and want to hold off as long a possible for my own kids. I hear people say their kids need it for pickups, and while I understand payphones aren’t available anymore, does the school not have a phone they could use? Why can’t they just ask an adult with a phone to text you? What am I not getting?
Anon
If kids do activities out of school they might not have access to a phone.
If kids do activities at school the main office might be closed before activities end. That’s probably the only place with a phone. Or, activities are not near the main building (soccer fields or the band room).
I haven’t worked in an office with a phone in almost a decade (4 workplaces!). It’s all Teams (and before that Skype or Google calling) + issued cell phones. So, I wouldn’t be shocked if schools don’t have separate phones anymore.
Anon
Schools absolutely have phones.
Seventh Sister
Our school went through a phase where the phones weren’t working – you’d call and there would be no answer or it would send you to a voicemail box and hang you up before you could leave a message. We had a terrible principal who was pretty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about the whole thing and had to get the district (and I think the state licensing board) involved before it got fixed.
Anon
You’re getting it just fine. Now that phones are available, people have created them as a need. Obviously, what’s useful for each family is different. But we’ve held off on getting a phone for my now 13-year-old (he still doesn’t have one, despite most of his peers having one) and it’s just fine. He can figure out pick-ups (we arrange things ahead of time, like everyone used to). And it’s very, very easy to find a phone if necessary. It has literally never been a problem.
If you’d like a middle ground, a watch that can text limited people but has no internet function is a good choice, I think.
Anon
i’ve read that a flip phone with no internet is better than a watch bc with the text function kids stare at their watches to see if people text them back immediately
Anon
Sure — depends on the kid. Texting on a watch is enough of a pain that my kid doesn’t do that, but YMMV. A flip phone does the same thing and prevents the possibility of staring at the watch, so same principle.
Anon
Our middle ground is a dumb phone for calling and texting and then a family iPad for app usage. iPad can only be used in common areas after HW is done.
This gives them the ability to easily and privately text and call friends and lets us be in touch as well.
I think the ability to privately communicate with friends is important for teens and preteens. I’m young enough that it’s technology I had and I don’t think it’s fair to bar my kids from that. If school isn’t a good fit socially for kids, I want them to be able to talk with other friends they have.
It lets them be involved enough on apps, games, and the internet to not be excluded from pop culture but a shared device in a common space is not conducive to inappropriate behavior and limits how much time they’re on it.
My parents were super against AIM and I was in school when EVERYONE had AIM. They also allowed no video games and we pretty much only listened to music in the car, but the rule was driver gets to choose the music. It was hard to relate when I was quite literally the only kid without an AIM who had also
Literally never held a PlayStation controller. While I knew of *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, and other pop acts I couldn’t name a single song. As a younger kid who was a little awkward, it made fitting in really really hard and I don’t want those obstacles for my kids either.
As an adult, I’m actually on board with no video games – I do think they rot your brain. And, I get why you don’t want a grade schooler watching Britney dance in her school girl costume. I don’t think they were necessarily wrong but I think they drew too hard of a line. Moderation is almost always better than restriction
Anon
Our compromise is dumb phone (full keyboard for texting though, but no internet) + shared, family iPad for limited apps or games.
This lets them be in touch with friends via text and have some access to whatever the new app or game or whatever is but also forces moderation (two kids share the iPad, only can be used downstairs (so in common spaces), only can be used after HW and chores are done). We don’t allow TikTok but do allow instagram (we have to be friends with them, we have rules about what can and can’t be posted, it’s only used on the iPad).
Phones get turned in before bed, but between waking up and going to bed there are virtually no restrictions. They know we’d only ever ask to see texts if it’s a safety issue – their conversations are otherwise private (this is a hill I will die on – they deserve to privately communicate with friends). We do restrict phone usage if they’re grounded and / or if they break any school rules about phone use.
Anon
Are you sure they’re not disappearing because they’ve turned into teenagers old enough for a phone? Teenagers gonna teenager, since the beginning of time.
If you really wanna keep in touch with them, meet them where they are. Text them share Instagrams with them, do what they do.
If you just wanna be a disapproving schoolmarm and say iphones are bad, it’s just not a workable solution for staying in touch. People are going to have iphones.
Anonymous
Teenagers are going to teenager is very true, and meeting them where they are is great advice. My son likes playing video games with his uncles, and they do this online/remotely as well.
Anon
My kids graduated from high school 10 years ago and even when they were in middle school the school would not let them use the office phone to call their parents. This isn’t new. As for asking another adult, sure, they could, and hopefully that adult would help them, but it would be an imposition to expect that all of the time.
Anon
Mine graduated within the last couple of years and our experience was similar (as was my own back in the dark ages before the internet or smart phones existed). School office phone use by students was limited to true emergencies regardless of whether the students had a cell phone of their own or not. The phone was intended for office personnel to use, after all, and it’s hard to answer calls on it if there is a line of kids whose parents failed to coordinate pickups in advance.
Sometimes coaches or teachers would let kids use theirs, but more often the coach or teacher would tell the kid their parents need to plan ahead better.
Anonymous
I posted above, and I have a 14 year old that frequently loses her phone. She manages; she uses a friend’s phone to call me, or, gasp, asks a coach or other adult to use their phone. That’s life, kid.
Anonymous
My 12 year old son has a phone that has parental controls that mean it is basically a dumb phone – no fun apps, just talk and text (Pinwheel). He uses a tablet and laptop at home for his video games and YouTube addiction. So the phone itself isn’t the issue; any kind of screen is. Keeping them at home just means he loves staying at home. We got him a phone because he rides the subway to school alone and we wanted him to have a way to contact us rather than asking random adults–the greatest danger he is exposed to–to get in touch with us.
Seventh Sister
My kids’ middle school and high school might let the kids use their phone as a one-off, but it’s way more likely that the school staff is the one placing the call (e.g., the kid is sick or in trouble and needs to get in touch with a parent). The other thing is that the school offices shut up tight a few minutes after the last bell rings, so it’s not like the kid can go in after soccer practice or whatever and ask to the use the phone. The doors are locked and the staff have gone home.
Another cultural change from my 90s high school days is about who can be in the building after school. No one really cared when I was in school if we were wandering around unsupervised waiting for play practice to start, a music rehearsal, parent pickup, etc., but now they want everyone off the campus ASAP unless they are there with an adult and being supervised by said adult for a particular school purpose.
I get wanting to limit phones and phone use. But kids with phones aren’t all brain-dead zombies who are obsessed with TikTok dances and violent video games.
Word-Not-So-Perfect
I’ve deduced that one of my coworkers, who is only a few years older than me, doesn’t know about ctrl-c and ctrl-p. We are writing subpoenas right now and so we are moving specs around, moving definitions around, etc. and good gosh how did someone get this far in her legal career not knowing she can ctrl-c!! It drives me absolutely bananas lolol.
And don’t get me started on what she has managed to do to the formatting.
The hard enters!! It kills me.
I know these things are pedantic which is why I’m complaining on here instead of teaching her how to use styles.
Senior Attorney
OMG sending thoughts and prayers…