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Suit of the Week: Reiss

professional young woman wears dark teal blue suit

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. Also: we just updated our big roundup for the best women's suits of 2024!

I love this Reiss suit in a deep teal! Is it just me or has the “find your color season” trend resulted in more clothing with saturated colors?

In any event: love it! Both the wide-leg pants and jacket come in regular sizes and petites, and there's a slim pant also. If you like the monotone look, the store has a silk blouse and sweater in teal, as well. Suiting pieces range from $275-$475.

Looking for something similar? Ann Taylor has some crepe suiting with more green in it (“deep slate“), and Emporio Armani has some nice suiting pieces in a bluish green. In plus sizes, check out the Moroccan blue suit at Eloquii.

Sales of note for 12.5

199 Comments

  1. does anyone use Bark for your kids? i’m not impressed with the reports i’ve been getting but i’m not sure if i have it set up the best way.

    1. We tried for about a year with our kid’s iPhone. It was very buggy and rarely worked. We canceled the subscription and had to reset the phone to factory settings because the app really screwed it up. I don’t recommend it at all.

    2. One of my niblings has the Bark phone and it works for their family. The parents can add or remove restrictions and load contacts that can be texted or called. Haven’t heard of any issues.

  2. did anyone read the Curtis Sittenfield vs AI stories in the NYT? in fairness i did read hers all the way through and got distracted in the middle of the AI one, but i was convinced hers was the AI one. i loved her P&P adaptation but she seems annoying somehow.

    1. Oh my, I saw a headline and didn’t even realize it was Curtis Sittenfield. I love her and I can’t wait to see if I can tell!

    2. Oh, that was fun. I clocked which one was written by her right away though. It just felt more human!

      1. I did figure it out too. I thought the AI story was (spoiler alert) a bit heavy-handed with the flip flop prompt.

    3. That’s fun. I just asked Chat GPT to make me a 1000 word story about three friends, but it screwed up this sentence

      She now wore a stylish blouse and jeans, her fingers gently intertwined with those of her partner, Elise, who was away for the weekend but would have loved to join if work hadn’t called.

      1. I did another thing for fun, and since my prompt included a lesbian in a group of three long time friends, I asked Chat GPT to change it to “in the style of Jane Austen”

        It’s hilarious:

        “Miss Claire, once wed to a gentleman and now living in a state of contentment with her partner, Miss Elise, made her entrance with a manner that reflected a serene acceptance of her present circumstances. Her attire was both fashionable and unpretentious, indicative of a life lived in harmony with her true self. Though her beloved was occupied with pressing matters elsewhere, Claire was determined to renew her acquaintance with her old friends.”

  3. I have a mountain of work to do at my job, I’m moving on Friday, I’m not finished packing, and I’m barely scraping by financially because of paying for the move. Also eating a lot of junk takeout because pots & pans are packed. I just feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup. Anything I can do between now and Friday to fill my cup a little to get through this?

    1. It’s only two days so you just have to get through it.

      I’d recommend healthier takeout (Sweetgreen or sushi) or easy to cook meals at home (smoothies, oatmeal). Sweetgreen + is only $10 a month and gives you a $3 coupon every day – so it pays for itself in 4 visits. I always use it when I’m busy – it saves me money and guarantees I’m eating veggies.

      Get as much sleep as you can, try to not sacrifice that.

      Put on a fun podcast or movie while you pack. Or call a friend to chat.

      2. Sweetgreen is a great idea. I also do the sushi thing, and I make it part of one of my walks. There’s a place that’s a round-trip mile away (mile and a half if I go the long way), so I walk there, get a little takeout sushi, walk home, and enjoy it.

      3. Let’s re-frame: It’s only two days. Maybe just give yourself some grace about the takeout and keep putting one foot in front of the other and remind yourself that things will be better on the other side.

    3. Any friends you can lean on? I would absolutely bring over healthy take-out and help stuff things into boxes.

      1. +1

        In this situation, I called my most treasured friend and she came and stayed up with me until everything was packed. And in turn, I gave her anything that I wasn’t sure I wanted/movers wouldn’t move/whatever. And I took her out later to thank her.

        1. Yes! My daughter just did that with her bestie (daughter was the helper) – bestie ordered in food for both of them, and daughter did most of the packing, to be honest. Daughter is super organized and sort of enjoys that kind of challenge. She came home with two bags full of bestie’s no longer wanted clothing that she’s still wearing. This was last fall when daughter started grad school locally, and bestie moved away for her own grad school.

    4. Have you gone outside for a 10 minute walk somewhere with trees and without headphones lately? I’m not joking.

      1. I had to check whether I wrote this. This is my solution for everything and it works.

    5. Try to get through the next two days. Move on Friday and use the weekend to unpack and recharge. Unpack only what is needed for the next few weeks and cut yourself some slack on your diet! When I moved in with my boyfriend we survived off of the local pizza shop and I ate slices on the kitchen floor. It’s fine! Take off on Monday if you can! Also, if you can spare the time, take yourself out to a cheap dinner with a glass of house wine and relax! You will get through this!

    6. When I have a week where I’m packing way too much in and there isn’t enough time, narrowing my focus to the task right in front of me helps me get through much more productively and without stress. Yes that’s a lot for a couple days, but you are not doing it all in the next hour – you’re only going to do one thing in the next hour. Everything will get done.

      And also, get ruthless about what doesn’t actually have to happen. In particular for packing – I feel like there is an “optimal” way to pack (sorting, careful labeling, etc) and then there is the much faster quick way to pack where it all goes into a box. Now is the time for the fast way, not the optimal.

    7. Pack one box with essentials – clearly marked – so that you know that when the move is done and you are exhausted, you can unpack ONE box, and it doesn’t matter where anything else is packed or if you had time to mark rf organize.

      One toilet roll, soap, towel for shower, a cup, plate, knife, fork, spoon (disposable is fine!), trash bag, paper towels, some protein bars, a pair of underwear, tooth brush and paste, maybe some sheets and a pillow if there’s room on top.

      With this box, you can install yourself, get clean, sleep and have some water and a snack Friday night. Anything else can wait.

      Until then – take breaks. Ten minutes of air, sitting down, scoffing down some (any!) food will help.

      Keep a trash bag handy and throw away things you don’t want to move. You need to save your energy to get through, you cannot save the planet with perfect solutions the next 48 hours, be kind to yourself.

  4. I feel terrible for saying this, but I’m pretty fed up about hearing about my friend’s mom’s cancer. This is apparently the first instance of cancer in their entire family so I am trying to be understanding that she’s scared and stressed. It sucks. Cancer is the absolute worst.

    Her mom was diagnosed with stage 1 endometrial cancer last month and is having surgery in September to remove it. They don’t anticipate needing to do chemo, radiation, or any other treatment besides monitoring. To me, that is great news. But my friend is very upset.

    My aunt had stage 1 endometrial cancer, surgery to remove the mass, and no additional treatment last year. She went home the same day, was sore for about a week, and was back to playing tennis within 3 months of surgery. Obviously no two cancers are the same, but from my recent experience of a loved one with this cancer it’s manageable.

    I feel like my friend’s stress is a little tone deaf. My family is filled with current cancer patients, survivors, and unfortunately a few who lost their battles. My dad currently has melanoma. My uncle currently has metastatic / stage 4 lung cancer. In the past few years other relatives have fought or are currently fighting Merkel cell, prostate, ovarian, and breast cancers. There has not been a single month in the past 14 years that a close relative of mine has not been fighting cancer. Two of my grandparents died of cancer. And that’s just the cancer – we’ve had an organ transplant, open heart surgery, and triple bypass surgery in my family in the last few years too.

    I’m not yet 30 and I’ve had 3 breast biopsies (every time it’s the same – a lump is found, I get an ultrasound that’s inconclusive (shows a mass), then I get a biopsy). They’ve all been benign, but given the vast family history it’s something to be on top of. Honestly, to me a breast biopsy is as routine (and about as annoying as) a Pap smear. And, like a Pap smear it’s probably nothing so no need to worry until / if something cancerous is found.

    I feel horrible for being so short with my friend, but this feels a lot of to do about nothing. I am not trying for the suffering Olympics, I know that we all have our own burdens and stressors and that my friend is genuinely worried about her mom. I want to be a supportive friend but it’s been hard because it feels like someone is comparing their scraped knee to an amputated leg.

    My friend, who has her MPH, also seems very sheltered about the whole thing. She keeps stressing that her mom didn’t do anything to cause the cancer (so many people with cancer didn’t do anything to cause it!!!). She’s frequently mentioning that they don’t know how she got it, they hardly know anyone with cancer (how????), and there’s been no history of cancer. I get with no family history it can feel like a blind side, but not all cancer is hereditary and lots of people just get cancer without family history, risk factors, or habits that may cause it.

    My friend is saying how she’s taking a week off to help her mom after the surgery, she’s canceled a trip in January because she’ll be helping her mom with recovery 4 months later, and basically isn’t making plans til she’s out of the woods. FWIW, her dad lives with her mom, their entire extended family lives nearby, and my friend (and her sister who is a RN) live about 45 mins away.

    I don’t begrudge anyone for not having to be well acquainted with cancer in the family. And, I’m aware that families that aren’t rife with cancer are likely facing their own health battles. I understand all surgery and cancer treatment is awful to recover from and all cancer is scary. I recognize stage 1 cancer can develop into stages 2,3, or 4. Cancer you beat can come back. It’s hard to feel like you’re out of the woods.

    I’m not holding it against my friend or the posters here who worry a lot about a weird biopsy result or stage 1 cancer. But I also can only listen to so much about it before getting fed up.

    1. I am so glad I am not your friend. Despite your claim to the contrary, you are in fact playing the suffering Olympics. Your friend is doing exactly what she should do – she’s leaning out on you, and not inward on her mom, the patient. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with so much, but that doesn’t change that your friend is stressed and scared and you’re being really unkind.

      1. Yeah, sorry OP, but this is classic suffering Olympics. Vent here this one time, but you cannot say anything to your friend and would not be in the right in any way if you did.

        1. I’d extend this to say ‘you can’t continue to even think this way and would not be in the right in any way if you do.’

          1. OP, I think this is good advice. When you feel these thoughts coming in, literally say out loud to yourself “stop that, that’s an unkind thought and you’re better than that.” It honestly helps.

        2. I would never say anything to my friend! But I think I’m allowed to feel how I feel about it.

          I’m really close with the relative with metastatic cancer. We found out ~10 days ago that it’s metastasized again – this time to his brain.

          While I have no tears left to cry about the situation because I’ve already cried them all, I also just cannot hear more about stage 1 cancer right now.

          I get that this relative isn’t my parent, and that’s obviously worse. I know that because my dad also currently has cancer. Thankfully my dad’s is also stage 1 so we feel like we’re out of the woods (for now). He had surgery in June and no other treatment is needed. To which pretty much my entire family is like “great, you’re good to go so onto the next issue” which is the cancer in the brain.

          1. Would it be helpful to you if a friend say “it’s only stage 1, you’re really privileged?” It sounds like it’s been so upsetting to you that it affects your relationships. Why isn’t she allowed to be upset when it happens to her?

          2. The comparison does neither of you any good. If you can’t be her friend right now, then don’t, but there’s no “you’re right here” and I think you see that in the comments.

          3. I understand where you’re coming from, OP. Your friend does sound tone-deaf. I also don’t think you can tell her that unless you want to blow up the friendship.

    2. It sounds like you’ve been drained, both by your own family experiences and by the way your friend is processing her anxiety. So rather than get stuck in the weeds about whether your friend’s responses are merited or worry too much about whether your shortness with her is merited, try to find a way to retreat a bit. Can you move any discussions to text or email? Then you can control the timing and amount of your response.

      If that’s not possible or not possible right now, then I wonder if you can develop a script that creates a little bit of distance. “I know this is really hard. Will you let me know when your mom is out of surgery? I’ll bring her a meal then.”

      These aren’t perfect solutions, I realize; I’m just trying things out here. But I do want to say that you don’t have to absorb it all for her, even as a supportive friend. If you can only listen so much, then honor your limits so you don’t blow up at her.

    3. I think you need to really parse out your feelings and boundaries about this a bit deeper. Unfortunately, “my family has had more cancer than yours so therefore your fear about your mother’s cancer is invalid and get over it already” isn’t’ a healthy or frankly kind response. I understand your frustration over your own family’s health issues, and it’s a heartbreaking thing to have to deal with. It can also be frustrating when someone has had less exposure to the challenges of life and mortality than you, and it sounds like you are experiencing her frequent anxiety as a reflection of this lack of exposure.

      I’ve had a much harder life than my closest friends in some respects, but if I had the impulse to say, “Your feelings about this problem in your life show how sheltered you are, and don’t count since I’ve had it worse, so shut up about it,” I would know it’s time to sit with myself and see what else is going on for me. None of our paths are the same, and our suffering looks different. Stage 1 cancer can be nothing, or it can be treatment-resistant and ultimately lead to an untimely loss of a loved one. Having your mom have cancer is scary, and the only emotionally healthy response (in my mind) for a friend would be to be supportive and understanding. If you can’t be, as a result of your own difficulties, that’s okay, but I think it would serve you well to think of it as a result of your own emotional limitations in this moment versus deciding there is something wrong with how she’s processing anxiety and grief.

      Try to reflect: Do you feel overwhelmed with the amount of exposure to health challenges you’ve had? Do you feel frustrated or that it isn’t fair that other people have had fewer? Journal about what your broader feelings are, and don’t channel them onto your friend whose mom has cancer. This is a really good time to reflect before you allow your emotions to impact how you show up in the world and what kind of person you choose to be in relationships and friendships. Sending a lot of love, since none of this is easy.

    4. Her mom isn’t having cancer AT you. I think you need to step back and take care of yourself because it isn’t actually OK to tell her how to process it or be toxically positive (or to one-up her with “more cancer” in your family). Take a break and walk away if you need to. That’s all you can do. Don’t complain to her about this unless you want to torch the friendship.

      1. I know people love to use that construction, but it doesn’t even make sense in this case.

      2. I agree that you should think strategically about your own care. It is clear to me from your post, OP, that you are suffering. There is real stress, anxiety, and some quiet resentment in your post – about your family’s health situation, about that other families seem luckier than yours in the health department – and that is all understandable. It sounds to me like you are uniquely situated such that therapy may be tremendously helpful to you right now. Perhaps seek out a professional for guidance and support?

    5. I will give you a real life example.

      I was once in the waiting room of an outpatient surgery center, waiting for my toddler with stage 4 cancer to be done with what was probably their seventh bone marrow aspiration.

      There was another mom in the waiting room crying her eyes out. She came over to me, and I imagine I was sitting there numbly at the time, and cried on my shoulder about her baby. I tried to comfort her and tell her that it was a great place and they would take good care of her baby. Then she told her baby was a seven year old having a tonsilectomy.

      I could play the suffering olympics, but honestly, if my kid had never been diagnosed with cancer, I would also have been a nervous wreck about a tonsilectomy too.

      You can certainly expect sympathy from your friend about your own struggles, but you aren’t in her shoes, and you don’t have her perspective. It’s rather hard-hearted of you, as her friend, to assume she shouldn’t be upset about her own mother’s illness.

      I wish the best for your ailing loved ones.

      1. You are remarkably kind. This is a view many could benefit from. Wishing all the best for you and your family too.

    6. If you want to be a good person and you want to be a healthy friend, you really really need to work through this.

        1. Right and I literally just went through this with my Dad.

          Whole it’s scary having a parent get cancer, and I was worried about him before we knew he was in the clear, I also have to admit that part of me was like it’s only stage 1, it’s just surgery – no other treatment, compared to what my other relative is facing right now it’s kind of a nothing burger. Even my DAD who frankly had an unexpectedly rough recovery from his surgery, said the same thing.

          1. Ok, you cannot describe a friend’s mom’s cancer as nothing burger, even when comparing to your own experience. Do you hear yourself? Honestly, it’s time to step away from the keyboard. If you didn’t want to listen to what people are going to say here, then why even post.

          2. You’re a bad friend and you don’t want to change that. It’s okay, but you’re getting a lot of responses telling you how to be a better person and you’re response is to double-down in why you’re justified not to be.

          3. Here’s the thing — you keep arguing as though any of this has to do with logic or real circumstances. It’s about feelings. Right now, your friend is suffering with anxiety and fear. Right now, you don’t have the bandwidth to support her in this particular way. So if you want to maintain the friendship, find a way to give yourself some distance so you don’t say these things aloud to her, and then find a way to support her otherwise.

            Stop mapping out what’s worse and what’s easier. It does not matter. She’s suffering and you seem to be, too, or at least some of your suffering is triggered by these circumstances. So figure that out and then be an adult who can recognize that there aren’t objective categories of suffering and that even if there were, you don’t get to determine what they are.

    7. Your feelings are very valid and your friend’s reaction does sound like it comes from a place of blessed privilege, with some obliviousness thrown in. Not that that is bad, on the contrary, it is lovely that your friend has not been confronted by this until now.

      However, I think you can kindly tell your friend that your own reserves are rather low when it comes to discussing cancer experiences and request a change of topic after a bit. You can care and empathize, but you don’t have to do so with no boundaries.

      1. I completely agree with this take. When I confide in a friend about something difficult, I try to take into account whether they’re the right audience. For example, I’m having a breast biopsy tomorrow, and I’m not going to talk about it in any depth with my friend who has a strong family history of cancer, including a mother who had breast cancer in her 30s and eventually died of pancreatic cancer way too young. When my spouse and I argue about money stuff, I don’t talk about it with my sibling who is a public school teacher. Maybe these people would be completely fine talking about these topics, but I want to be sensitive to their experiences for exactly the reason you articulate. I don’t think that makes you a bad friend at all.

      2. This. Currently my mom’s executor; she died after a year of stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

    8. So one thing I’ve realized is that while I’m actually quite empathetic on other topics, I’m also very very matter of fact when it comes to things being bad. I’m an emergency manager. I have to be calm under pressure and formulate a plan then execute it no matter what is happening around me.

      I’m too good at compartmentalizing in a crisis to the point that I am less empathetic than I should be.

      I’m a “fixer” – when a family member is sick I’m the one keeping all lines of communication open, coordinating between the hospital and all of the different doctors and family members and offers of support. I’m showing up to the waiting room with coffee and snacks. I make sure bills get paid and the grass gets mowed and the meal train is set up. I’m taking notes in every appointment and making charts for medications. I make sure there are phone chargers and Kleenex and whatever else you need in the hospital room. I’m making sure the next of kin are eating and sleeping. I’ve got all the paperwork organized. I know what I’m wearing to the funeral if it’s next week or next year.

      In order to do that, I can’t be distracted by my emotions. I’ll give hugs and chat with family members and what not – I’m not cold. But I’m not spending too much time worrying (they’ll get better or they won’t. And I’m literally doing everything in my power to make sure it’s the former. But if they don’t, there’s nothing more I can do). Privately on my own time I might get emotional about the situation. But that’s like on my couch, alone, with a glass of wine at 10pm. I don’t like anyone (my partner, my parents, my best friend) to be with me when I due process my emotions.

      All this to say – I at times get frustrated with other relatives who wring their hands and are worried and sad without doing anything.

      I try to remind myself I have a role here and so do they and it takes all kinds of kinds.

      1. I am also a fixer and a doer. Learning to be a listener is exercising a different muscle, but I think it’s worth doing. You can be both.

        1. I am – I didn’t get into it because I didn’t find it relevant but I am also a fixer.

          My aunt is the one with the lung cancer. My uncle isn’t good with technology so I am the one who communicates her updates to the entire extended family. I drop off meals for my uncle and coordinate the rest of the family bringing meals. I also coordinate family visits to the hospital. I am their tech support – bringing chargers, helping them connect to hospital wifi, I bought her an iPad and a Netflix account. I was there with her when she was told it metastasized to her brain. Then, while I was doing all of this, I was helping my mom clean and bandage my dad’s scars from surgery and calling into the practice’s NP about his healing because he had issues with the wound closing. My aunt and uncle are childless so I fill that eldest daughter role in my family and in theirs.

          When my grandfather was dying of cancer I would drive back to my home city (4 hours) every Friday. I’d clean my parents house for them, go food shopping, and cook a meal because that obviously wasn’t getting done. Then I’d spend Saturday and Sunday visiting him. Then I’d drive back to my city.

          1. You are not helping or fixing anything for your friend. If you need to walk away from her, then do, but losing a friend and still having cancer in your own family isn’t going to improve anything. Don’t choose bitterness.

          2. It sounds like you may be overextended and not have anything left to give your friend. That’s an okay boundary to set, but don’t make it about her not being justified in feeling scared.

    9. I’m also rather stoic about my own family health stuff because I have no other viable choice, so I get where you’re coming from, OP.

      I would want a friend telling me if me going on about something was too much for them. I don’t think you can tell her to chill out, but you can state your limits.

      I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say, “hey, I’d really like to be there for you and be super supportive. However, I’ve been dealing with a lot of cancer within my own family including my dad right now and I’m tapped out. I have to save my energy for cancer for my own health scares and supporting my dad. Can we focus on other topics? [or some other limit, depending on what you want]”

      Maybe she’ll pull back from the friendship, or maybe you can continue without the cancer focus. Either way, it sounds better than how things are currently going. I think it’s much better than to carry on with the friendship this way, having you get more exasperated and her not knowing that you really aren’t up for supporting her in the way she wants.

      1. No, you can’t say you want to be super supportive and then say you can’t talk about it. Sorry, but no. If you can’t be there, then walk away, but don’t put this burden on her to navigate your feelings.

        2. OP is also dealing with a parent who has cancer and her own cancer scares and doesn’t have the emotional reserves to help her friend in the way her friend wants. OP’s need to not talk about cancer is no less valid and is not coming from a situation any less horrible than where her friend’s need to talk about cancer extensively is coming from.

          Personally, I’d rather a friend tell me they’re tapped out on a given topic than have that friend stop talking to me without explaining anything. Fair, Anon at 3:41 if you’d rather a friend just stop talking with you than have this kind of conversation. I suppose there’s no universal answer.

          1. Co-sign this. Sometimes a person needs to know their audience and this is telling the friend that you can’t be the audience for more cancer stuff right now.

      2. Thank you – this is helpful. It’s been 13 years of some of my favorite people in the world having, and losing their battles to, cancer. Im hardened and stoic because it’s been 13 years of stage 4 suck (first my grandfather, now my aunt). Nearly half of my life I’ve had a very close relative with stage 4 metastatic cancer.

        I’m also the eldest daughter, eldest granddaughter, and eldest niece. Im also naturally stoic and a fixer. So I take on a lot of burdens.

        I want to care and be there for my friend, but I don’t have the capacity.

        Also, FWIW while were certainly friends, we’re not terribly close. Like “see each other less than 10 times a year with a larger group of mutual friends to grab a drink” friends.

        1. Oh – in that case just slow-fade and don’t make yourself available for her venting. You have too much on your plate to take on a casual friend’s suffering .

          1. Or don’t worry about it, I was OPs friend and I just faded from a friend who couldn’t get past her own situation to have an ounce of empathy. I don’t miss her.

    10. This is exactly why I never mention my very real health problems to friends or other people I know. After reading this I won’t even post it on anonomous boards. I’ll keep it bottled up.

    11. It’s ok to distance yourself temporarily from people who exhaust you through no fault of their own. In your shoes I think I would just be busy for a while until you can come up for air. If you want to say something, keep it simple. “I’m really sorry but with everything going on with my dad and uncle, I really need some no-cancer-talk time today.” Or, “I’m not in a good place rn and I can’t be a shoulder to cry on.” Very sorry for what you and your friend are going through.

      1. Yeah. I don’t think you’re a horrible person, OP. There was a time when I had to put some distance between myself and a friend because I was going through a time of crisis with one of my kids and she, frankly, was just kind of clueless and unintentionally hitting all my raw spots when she was sharing information about her own kids. I was not capable of dealing with it, and I knew it was more of a “me problem” than a “her problem.”

      2. Unfortunately, sometimes friends are both experiencing crises at the same time. Sometimes one person is dealing with multiple crises. Sheltered people, who are more likely to interact and be in social circles with sheltered people, may not realize this, but just because one is going through a crisis doesn’t mean that their social supports are not. It’s difficult to navigate, and I did lose a friend who was isolating at home due to covid because I was too cowardly so say that I found our 4-hour conversations exhausting and couldn’t navigate that on top of my mother’s stage 4 cancer that was terminal and studying for the bar exam.

    12. She seems very sheltered because she is, and it sounds like you understand that. If she’s coming to you precisely because you’re the “person whose family has cancer” in her mind, I wonder if she would also hear that it’s a difficult topic for you because of what you’ve been through in your family? I also wonder if it would be feasible to connect her with a support group or charity or listserv, anything you’ve learned about from your family’s experiences, so she can feel supported by someone other than you?

      I also am very sheltered from cancer, but my family has other health conditions that are life altering, and I realized recently that I’d become callous about some of the more easily treated ones. Like you need to take a pill every day or else suffer horribly, and you’re devastated? At least there’s a pill that works! I had to remember how vulnerable that first diagnosis felt, and how any experience of illness challenges general societal views about autonomy, independence, justice; it’s a lot to take in. I’m kind of cynical and scarred from a lot of bad experiences with difficult to treat conditions, difficult obstacles in healthcare, and not everything I’ve learned is really wisdom; some of it is just kind of baggage. It seems clear from what she’s saying about being blindsided that she was invested in some common and comforting narratives about control, safety, or fairness. So she’s at a really different place and perspective. I hope both of you can get to a better place.

    13. Cancer: the mountain lion in your fridge
      What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

      Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

      So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion – “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” – and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

      Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

      As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy – they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself – why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that – and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

      Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you – maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband – comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

      Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

      Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

      Maybe. You’re not sure – it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

      And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”
      Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “fuck this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

      1. The relevant passage in this — “who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?” Every cancer is scary. Full stop.

        1. But there are degrees of scary and of concern. My cancer by the analogy above, was three legged, blind, and not very bright. Yes it’s cancer so it’s scary. But it’s a surgery only cancer with little chance of recurrence except that it was in some lymph nodes and not studied that way, so it was like, meh get it done and move on. There are any number of people in my life that I didn’t even tell, because I didn’t want to look like it was shopping for sympathy for a minor cancer.

      2. Umm. In case no one else says it, this was awesome. I so appreciated the time you took to write it and I hope you never have to climb the mountain or be chased by a mountain lion again!

    14. Hi, OP— I’m here to empathize with you.

      I’ve not had the experience with cancer that you have, but I have had a lot of family tragedy due to violence and other factors. I was orphaned at 2 and my adoptive parents died before I was 35. There have been times when I have inwardly gotten very upset with friends for talking about minor inconveniences with parents or minor issues from childhood or, honestly, even jealousy when they get to spend time with their parents in peaceful last moments. I know in my brain and in my hear that everyone’s struggles are different and that someone else’s life does not erase what happened to me. But the emotions do just sometimes creep up, so I totally understand what you’re going through.

      Mindfulness has helped me a lot. When I start getting those feelings, I have learned not to judge myself. Doing so for me just makes the thoughts and feelings more invasive. Instead, I’ll go for a long walk alone and without headphones (or similar activity) and really think about WHY I’m feeling that way. Sometimes it’s because I really do need to mourn my mom that day for some reason. Sometimes it’s because my period is coming. Sometimes it’s because I have been drifting away from something important to me. You get the idea. Then I’ll work to fix that thing. This honest inquiry never ends with me truly thinking that my friend is ridiculous.

      And yes, sometimes I just need to process my feelings and talk through them (to someone other than that friend!) to get to the bottom of it.

      FWIW— I didn’t read your comment as uncharitably as some others. I read it as venting something outward instead of toward your friend in an effort to process your feelings. I didn’t get from your post that you want to tell your friend to STFU, etc. If any of the posters have tips for being a perfect person, I’d love them because last I checked, all of us have flaws and thoughts that seem unkind to others from time to time.

    15. Recognize that you are not a good source of comfort for your friend right now (she may already have recognized). If you have mutual friends try to rally them around her. Do a few tasks of support like sending meals or things for her mom or sending thinking of you texts–but don’t do phone calls because you sound like the last person that should be on the phone with her. When this passes, hopefully she’ll recognize who was there for her and who wasn’t. And frankly, you shouldn’t be.

      Maybe delve into your own grief. You need to examine why you are trying to compete and where your anger is really coming from. What has happened in your family has zero to do with this.

      No two people’s walks are the same and having a worse outcome than someone else doesn’t mean their journey is any less valid.

      1. I’m literally watching one of my favorite people ever die of cancer. This diagnosis came less than a year after I watched my grandfather, my other favorite person, die of cancer. I don’t need to fu**king examine my grief.

        1. Um, I’m 4:14 and literally sitting here with colon cancer. You do need to examine your fu**king grief. Because right now I’m feeling more compassion for your friend who didn’t do anything wrong here. And I’m also feeling compassion for you. Because that’s the way it should be. Having bad stuff happen to you doesn’t give you a free pass to be miserable to others.

          I highly recommend talking to other caregivers even if you won’t talk with a therapist. Because the grief is eating you up right now.

        2. What did you expect by posting? Did you expect everyone to agree with you and tell you how horrible your friend is? Are you new here????

    16. I feel like a lot of posters are ignoring your second to last paragraph. I don’t get the impression you’re downplaying your friend’s situation. You can’t pour from an empty cup and your cup sounds d@mn empty.

      You clearly want to be there for your friend, but you’re also clearly spending a lot of time and emotional energy being there for your dad and uncle. You are only one person and can only do so much.

      2. Once all the little pieces of you have been picked away, there’s nothing left. I think the OP is getting harsh responses from from fortunate people
        who have not exhausted their entire being supporting multiple other people in crisis. Sometimes one more person in crisis is one too many to handle. It’s not mentioned, but I really wonder if Friend has been there for OP like she wants OP to be there for her.

        1. Yeah I haven’t even spoken much to this friend about my loved ones. She’s pretty flaky. She and I seen super tight but are in a group of friends. I like her but don’t go out of my way to see her. We have an active group chat with other friends but we don’t talk one on one super often. I see this group probably once a month but she flakes out probably 1/3 of the time.

          We’re friends but we’re not close friends. I don’t bring my grief to her because that’s not the friendship I have with her.

          1. Honestly I think you’re being used and that establishing a little distance would be very reasonable. Ignore the haters.

    17. I hear the annoyance at your friend talking about how her mom did nothing to cause the cancer.

      I have a loved one with lung cancer. People assume lung cancer patients smoked and this deserve their cancer. My loved one didn’t smoke but stilll got lung cancer. If someone was telling me their loved one did nothing to cause the cancer while I have a loved one with lung cancer I’d feel like they’re implying my loved one caused and thus deserves their cancer and I’d be livid.

    18. I think your empathy reserve has been exhausted, and I think therapy and some long, quiet walks alone with your own thoughts will help restore it.

    19. Man, people are being harsh! I think you’re allowed to have feelings and you’re even allowed to post them anonymously on the interwebs. I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated, OP

    20. My grandmother was dying of cancer around the same time my good friend’s mom was dying of cancer. My grandparents were my after school and summer care for my whole childhood – we were very, very close.

      I had the good sense to not talk to my friend about my grandmother’s cancer and grief. I was a total mess but I knew she obviously was even more of a mess. I wanted out time together to be a break for her – no one wants to take a break from caring for a cancer patient to go talk about more cancer. I also recognized that as sad as I was, at least I still had my mom. I never wanted to vent in front of her because as sh!tty as my situation was, hers was worse.

      I leaned on other friends during this time but I knew I didn’t want to add anything to my friend’s burden.

    21. Wow, OP, I’m surprised at the level of negativity directed at you. I think it’s very understandable to feel tapped out in this situation. You can love your friend and want to be supportive to her while also giving yourself grace that you are not currently in a season of life where you can offer her the kind of support that she needs right now. That’s ok. You can’t be all things to all people.

      I wonder if this also comes from a place of *you* not getting the support you need as you have walked alongside people you love as they face cancer. If you are a stoic fixer, there’s a good chance that your friend (and others) don’t realize what it’s been like for you, how painful it is. So I’d gently encourage you to reflect on what your response to your friend’s situation is actually telling you about your own emotions and needs. And then, if you can, ask yourself what you can do to get those needs met. Would a support group help? Do you have a good therapist? Do you have close friends who know you well enough to understand that you have had chronic emotional trauma for a long time now? I’m sending you compassion and love from afar.

    22. It’s fair to say “I’m not going to be a good sounding board on this one- it hits too close to home. If there’s something concrete I can do to help, I’m happy to do it, but I can’t hear this much about the cancer.”

    23. So as I’m sitting here reading the thread and sobbing, I’m realizing just how spent I am. And angry. And sad. And exhausted.

      As I mentioned in a comment, I was with my uncle when he found out thr cancer had metastasized again (to his brain).* It was about 10 days ago I’ve been a mess of sad and angry since.

      I’ve felt almost like my grief is undeserving because the stage 4 really bad slowly watching a loved one die stuff was first my grandfather and now my uncle. People assume that it’s less hard for extended family. But my grandparents lived a block away and we saw them nearly every day of my entire childhood (they picked us up from school and we’re out aftercare, we had them over for dinner w my parents like 4x a week). My grandmother died of other causes 4 months before my grandfather started hospice.

      My uncle and aunt are childfree so I’ve always been very close with them but now I’m sliding into a caregiver role too. I provide emotional support to both of them, I talk with him every single day, I am the one who runs point on communicating with and coordinating the entire extended family, and I cook for them.

      And then on top of those two people I love slowly dying, my dad got cancer too. Luckily “just stage one” and he’s already in remission but that was stressful too.

      I felt like I didn’t deserve to be as emotionally wrecked as I was about the grandparents and uncle since they’re extended family but I sad emotionally wrecked. I really never recovered well from my grandparents’ dying, with my uncle every time we get some bit of good news it’s followed up with a devastating blow.

      I’m also doing all of this while living my own life – my own health issues (a chronic illness + nearly annual cancer scares), supporting other friends with other issues (fertility issues, chronic illness, mental health, breakups, recovering from being the victim of a violent crime and the like). Probably because I’m a fixer, I’m the one a lot of friends turn to, so I spend time and energy every day on my friends and family’s needs. Plus being there for good things – I’m flying cross country on Saturday for a wedding. I have a bachlorette party for a friend next week. People want me there for those things because I’m a good friend.

      Also – the friend in question is a casual friend with a history of flakiness. I’d like to continue our casual friendship, but she’s not a friend is drop everything and run to help and vice versa. I think I just need to prioritize that I can keep up the friendship we have but not much else.

      I’m action oriented / a fixer pretty stoic so I don’t often sit with my emotions but I’m realizing how not okay I have been and still am. It feels silly because my dad just beat his cancer and my parents are otherwise healthy so why am I so upset but also I am really really close to my uncle and it’s the relationship that matters not the title.

      There’s only so much I can take on. I’m in therapy but frankly it hasn’t been super helpful.

      *apologies for the confusion. I realized I switched between aunt and uncle. It is my uncle. I’m clearly exhausted.

      1. This all really, really hard. I don’t know if by undeserving you mean unsupported, but just because other people aren’t always close to their extended family doesn’t mean you’re not close to yours! It is VERY hard to lose loved ones and feel them missing from our lives. It makes sense that you are upset. I hope you have some friends (not the flaky one who is already struggling) that you can say some of this too (that you’re very close to your uncle, that you miss your grandparents, that it’s been a lot and you’ve been stoic for too long this time).

      2. Are you being stoic in therapy, or do you allow yourself to feel there? You might need a new therapist to get a good fit.

        Having said that, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You are also judging yourself a lot here about your grief. Grief is not logical, and it is certainly valid for you to be feeling this way.

        If you’re looking for advice or permission, this internet stranger gives you permission to step back/ slow fade from the more casual friend. And to opt out of some of the good friend stuff. You’ve got a lot happening, and you need to be kind to yourself and heal.

        Sending good wishes your way.

      3. Anon, I’m so sorry. I posted above at 4:25. Have you ever read about caregiver burnout? Or even physician burnout? I work in hospice, and some of the patterns you’re describing — anger, impatience, sadness, exhaustion, depersonalization, stoicism — are commonly seen in burnout. I’d suggest looking into some of the symptoms of physician burnout to see if it resonates with you.

        For now, set aside the situation with your friend. Focus on starting to feel things again for yourself. Spend some time focusing on your own physical comfort. Try to practice finding pleasure in small physical sensations. It can literally be something as small as a moment smelling a grapefruit, or enjoying washing your hands with cool water. You’ve had to tamp down your emotions for so long now that it might take some time for your body to let down its guard and allow you to feel things. Give it time, go slowly, take care of yourself the way that you would take care of a child, with patience and tenderness.

        I also highly recommend this interview with Frank Ostaseski, who founded the Zen Hospice Project many years ago. I reread it at least yearly. It’s called “Living With the Dying” and is overflowing with wisdom and kindness:
        https://www.thesunmagazine.org/articles/26638-living-with-the-dying

      4. Hey, OP, I have been where you are (on a different but not that dissimilar topic). It is hard. I am also a stoic, and I provide more emotional support than I tend to think I need. And then I also spiral into being mad at people for wanting support, only to realize that that is a sign that I have been needing more support. I have absolutely no advice, but I am just offering that you are not alone or abnormal or even all that unusual, and I am sending you love and support for all that you’re dealing with.

    24. My mom died of what was at first stage 1 endometrial cancer with no radiation/chemo. Had they recommended either, it probably would have saved her life.

      1. Oh ffs, she’s not telling her friend this! You people who are piling on are glass bowls.

    26. I completely understand. I have had the very same thoughts, after living through several tragedies at a young age and loss of both parents (one to pancreatic cancer). No one truly understands until they are in the same situation, and of course many are fortunate and never will. None of my friends had experienced anything like I was going through.

      I found the best places to vent were support groups for caregivers/cancer support groups and these can be found online. Venting around people who understand and have been through it is the best. Most people jumping on you here have been fortunate so far in life. Or I guess…. they are better people than me!

      Saying that, it was damaging to my friendships while I suffered through this period, as my friends’ daily concerns seemed so insignificant and silly. They just… had no idea how lucky they were. It ate me up. This is not good. So it is really important to find a good place to vent where you are heard and supported. This is not the safest place for that.

      Big hugs to you. I wish I could come and do your caregiving and errands for a week. I encourage you to reach out to other friends/family in the “next circle” outside of you and your core to start taking over 1 or 2 things to lift your weight a little. This helped me immensely. I’m sure you are the best at the caring you are doing, but sometimes others (following your instructions…) will be good enough.

    27. I’m chiming in late without having read all of the comments, so apologies if this is superfluous. But I take you at your word that you do feel horrible about this and that despite that, you’re still feeling it! When I get this way – peeved with loved ones about something that is really flummoxing them – I’m usually actually responding to my own past and experiences. And it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. I’d let your friend know that you understand how scared she is, you’ve been trying your best to be a source of support for her, but that ultimately these conversations are just too triggering for you, given your family history. Because it seems to me that something is being triggered, and you are expecting her to have the same reaction to cancer that you do. By explaining to her that your need for space is more about you than her, you are going to get the space you need from this topic and she hopefully won’t feel rejected or hurt by your need for space. It’s a way of giving you both grace, which I think is warranted.

    28. I am extremely late to this conversation! But in case you’re still reading, I think it’s very okay to be Not the Audience for something like this. You can be a good friend and say something like “this is really hard, and I hate that you’re going through it. I want to support you in the ways that I can. Right now, because of what’s going on with me, I don’t have a lot of emotional space for conversations about cancer. I will send your mom flowers. I will buy you dinner. I will get drunk with you on margaritas while we ruthlessly mock 27 Dresses. And I will love you. But I’m asking you to talk to other people about this for now.”

  5. I feel like my husband lacks any empathy, or maybe he just doesn’t care about my feelings. The day to day is fine and we generally get along great. He tells me he loves me all the time. But anytime I really need him he just doesn’t step up.

    For a couple of examples, a year or so ago my uncle died of cancer. We weren’t exceptionally close, but he was a great guy and I cared about him a lot. My husband did come to my hometown with me for the funeral, but once we were there he was so self absorbed. My parents wanted to go to a particular restaurant for lunch, and he refused because he preferred to go elsewhere. My mom was grieving her brother! But to avoid rocking the boat, everyone just went where my husband wanted to go.

    Then a few weeks ago I was really, really sick. I only could eat crackers for three days. Finally I felt like I could eat something more and asked him if he could heat up some canned soup for me. He said he didn’t have time because he had a meeting, but I know his meeting wasn’t for a couple of hours. I was too sick to argue, and he left the house early.

    1. I’m not going to throw out the very common DTMFA, but I will say that I have a friend who got divorced because he refused to help her recover from surgery.

      1. +1

        I usually hate how people jump to divorce here but I don’t know how you could deal with this. Maybe in the first example you could say ‘Mom’s brother died, let’s have her pick the restaurant’. But the second example? You were extremely clear and reasonable.

        1. Yeah. I suggested below that OP try communicating her needs with her partner to teach him empathy, but it sounds like he is combative and resistant, so I don’t know how effective that would be. She would likely have to have a sit-down with him saying that it’s a dealbreaker for her if he doesn’t change, and then assess whether or not he is willing to.

      2. +2 taking care of you when you’re sick is basically the ground floor of a relationship.

      3. ++ Yes, agreed with this position. In this regard, life only gets harder, not easier. Either get him into therapy, or get out.

    2. Based on these two examples, he seems very low on the emotional intelligence scale. It would bother me, too. Either it’s a lack of empathy, or a total discomfort with bearing witness to others’ pain. The first one is hard to change. The second one can improve, but he actually has to see that it’s a problem and do the work.

    3. These are not minor examples, IMO. I would explore this topic with a therapist solo.

    4. He sounds awful and I wouldn’t want to be married to him.

      My husband had to work very late last night and this morning he asked me to bring him a cup of coffee in bed. It struck me that if the ex I was with before meeting my husband had asked that, I’d be so immediately resentful. With my husband I was happy to, because he does the same things for me.

    5. And also? I always say that relationships should not be evaluated based on the best parts but on the worst parts. It does you no good if he tells you he loves you all the time but doesn’t show it when the chips are down.

      1. I agree with this to some degree, but you need a partner for the best parts too. My best friend’s husband can step up in a crisis, but for the day to day life when there’s no crisis? Not so much. It’s not enough to be on top of things once a year.

        1. I see you’ve met my soon-to-be former BIL. Pretty good in a crisis. In daily life? A total dead weight.

          1. Note I said the worst part if the relationship, not the worst life crisis. The worst part of these relationships is “he’s a dead weight in daily life.” I think point holds.

    6. This sounds like a lack of empathy and a really low EQ. I would privately reflect on if that’s a dealbreaker for me or not, and if it isn’t, I’d work to communicate him directly what you need. In the case of being sick, “It matters to me that my partner takes care of me when I’m sick.” For other one-on-one instances, say exactly what you expect out of a partner and why, and ask him if he’s able to meet those needs.

      For the situations with other people, I would unfortunately say the only thing you can do is assume more responsibility for moderating his uncouth behavior. The restaurant example is frankly unacceptable, and since he was your +1 in that situation, it’s on you to keep him in check. In the future, if he’s being difficult or callous in a situation where it is inappropriate, I’d intervene, either privately or in the group. Privately, you could say, “My mother is grieving her brother. She gets to choose the restaurant. Full stop.” Or if in the group, gently/jokingly say, “DH, you are the only person who isn’t mourning a loved one today – we have to sit this one out in terms of deciding where we eat.”

      If he is open to learning about how to be empathetic and mindful of this, great. Show him the way and communicate with him about your needs and the needs of others. If he argues with you or refuses to be open to learning, I would consider if this is something you are okay with living with for the rest of your life. There are many extremely empathetic and loving partners out there, and it’s okay for you to want that.

    7. Here’s my anecdotal experience: I am recently divorced from a guy who constantly said he loved me, that I was the love of his life, he couldn’t imagine being without me etc. etc. The words were nice, but he seemed irritated anytime I asked him for anything, and I felt like I couldn’t ask him for help or to do anything for me. I always got the sense that he was put out anytime I asked for anything. Yet when I left he said something like, no one else is ever going to love you like I love you.

      Well, we’ve been divorced for 8 months and I already have a boyfriend who adores me and treats me so much better than my ex. Like, I didn’t realize how little I was getting from my ex-h. Basically, I wish I hadn’t let my ex’s words blind me from the reality of his actions for so long.

    8. I’m really sorry. Have you said these precise words? “I know you love me, but anytime I really need you you just don’t step up. This isn’t okay for me or for our marriage.”

      Be direct — maybe you have, but I noticed the “to avoid rocking the boat” phrase, so I wonder if he’s been accommodated by everyone. Ultimately, I think you have to ask yourself some direct questions, about whether this behavior is acceptable or not. If it’s not acceptable, then you have to stop accepting it. That could mean leaving, couples therapy, or other things.

    9. I don’t understand how women end up married to men like this. Actually, that’s not true, I do understand how it happens: women are socialized to care about everyone but themselves and to never demand anything of anyone certainly not a man.

      1. I know quite a few women married to men like this. They cared about things besides character and ignored the glaring red flags that the guys were selfish and lacked empathy.

        2. As someone who was married to a man like this, I want to push back on this narrative that, once again, a man’s actions are somehow a woman’s fault. I cared about character. I didn’t realize how much was concealed from me, and I didn’t realize how much people can change. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t focused on the ‘wrong things’.

          4. Genuine questions: What things were ‘concealed’ (e.g. thoughts about spend/Dave, time spent with family of origin, time spent on housework, time spent as a couple, importance of work/job,etc.)? So what ways would you suggest for someone who is looking for a relationship to see the ‘concealed’ things beforehand?

        3. I partly agree, but the honeymoon period can last about 2 years, and most “common wisdom” (which I agree with to a point) is that if a man hasn’t asked you to marry him within 2-3 years, he’s wasting your time, and that period is often during the best behavior zone. You likely don’t have kids, and often people are at peak health (in their late 20s, early 30s). As things change, doors close, life gets hard, illness and diagnosis happen, elderly relatives die or require intensive care, and so on. And a man who used to be an easy going fun guy is now a millstone around your neck.

    10. OP, you really are not asking for much here. I don’t even know if there is missing context that could possibly make this better. Mayyybe if your family was going to a seafood restaurant and he is super allergic? He is being ridiculous.

    11. Despite surrounding sad circumstances, one of my sweetest memories is my husband cheerfully doing all the post-Christmas dishes and chores at my dying father’s house solo because my brother and I were really sad and needed to just sit together for a moment. He does lots of nice things for me and he tells me he loves me a lot, but I have never felt more loved. You deserve to feel the kind of love that happens when someone else picks up your burdens for you.

      1. My husband is not the most romantic guy. He doesn’t often bring home flowers, and gets too excited when he buys my birthday gift that he often can’t wait to give it to me on my birthday. But when my mom had cancer and had to move near the hospital (in a different state), he loaded up the U-Haul, drove it out there, and unloaded it and set up her apartment by himself and I never felt so loved. (We had three small kids and so I didn’t go with him.)

    12. OP here, appreciating and reading the responses. I wasn’t sure whether I was overreacting or being too sensitive. I mean, if I lived alone I would have found a way to make soup or been fine without (I ended up just staying in bed). But I don’t live alone. And I just feel like, what if something really bad happened, how would he react?

      1. You’re not being too sensitive. You are probably actually extremely easygoing, which is how you wound up married to him in the first place.

        Marriage is very long, and is filled with things worse than having a flu or an uncle pass. You want someone who will stick by your side in those times and show you tremendous care and love.

      2. I think this follow-up post by you, OP, is significant. It indicates that you have a instinct to normalize his behavior – to say, it “isn’t so bad” (i.e., if you’d lived alone, you would have found a way to work it out). This suggests to me this is a long-standing behavioral issue by your H. For me, this is deal-breaker territory. Perhaps therapy solo to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you is the next step. You deserve the happiness, the love, the support – and the form that takes – that you want in this world!

      3. You are right to ask this question. When I did, it put me on the path towards divorce. I was waiting for a biopsy result and my ex was going about his day with no care for how scared I was. It helped me put 2+2 together about how his father treated his mom when she got sick, so I asked myself, what would it be like to be elderly, frail, and married to this person? I knew I didn’t want that future, because it felt more scary than being elderly, frail, and alone.

    13. Idk he just sounds selfish to me. He simply doesn’t sound like a true partner. How could be possibly insist on a restaurant when he is with your family after a loved one passed away? What does he bring to the table? Does he actually add to your life in anyway? If I’m sick or my boyfriend is sick we are definitely taking care of meals and dishes etc. That’s the bare minimum. Why did you marry him?

    14. My husband is sort of like this. We have been rather since college and we are in our 40s now.

      My husband is just…kind of obtuse. Some of the biggest fights of our marriage have been about this. I’ve suggested he may have mild autism given how he acts in certain situations- just as if he doesn’t understand the feelings or emotions involved.

      But all this background to say what makes it work for us is for me to be obvious about what I need. So, when sick, “I am really sick and i need you to do X.” I don’t love asking for care, but he never minds. I can’t tell the tone from your example but it’s possible it didn’t really occur to him how sick you were. Or in the dinner example, “this is my family, and my mom is mourning. Don’t rock the boat. Go home if you need to.”

      2. Oof, no. You should not have to tell your husband his wishes don’t outweigh your grieving mother’s. And she clearly *did* ask for what she wanted when she was sick.

        The bar is well and truly in hell for men, and we still get people like this making excuses for them.

        1. I agree. And different strokes and all but this would annoy the living daylights out of me to have to coach my life partner this way all the time.

    4. Yeah, I love this. I particularly love how the jacket is a classic style – neither too short and fitted, nor too oversized and baggy.

  7. Gorgeous suit. I had something similar in the late 90s, probably Anne Klein. Wore it to my intership interviews in college and felt very chic. Loved it then, love it now!

  8. For the poster in the AM thread looking for something similar to Money Diaries, The Kitchn has a Grocery Diaries series. Focuses on grocery shopping (so some money) and how they use/meal plan. They don’t post as often as MD.

    1. It’s a podcast and still focuses on money, but I am absolutely addicted to I Will Teach You To Be Rich. He interviews couples about their money situations and the relationship part is what keeps me coming back.

      1. Along the podcast lines, but “A Day in Her Life” podcast is…exactly that. Different women talking about their typical daily routines.

  9. How do you go about deciding your charitable giving budget? And causes to support?

    I’ve heard that steady support is the most helpful, so I make annual gifts to a small handful of reputable organizations, some focused on those less fortunate (refugees, people facing food insecurity) and some focused on everyone in my local community (supplementing tax dollars for things like arts education in public schools–the rich and poor kids in my community all benefit). I also volunteer my time and give to campaigns, but view those as separate activities from charitable giving.

    I made my charitable giving plan years ago and felt great about it then. But, I wonder if I should revisit my plan, and, if so, what I should consider?

    1. I give $10 / month to the orgs listed in my grandparents’ obituaries (in lieu of flowers donation suggestions). It makes me still feel connected to them.

      Then beyond that, I give like $20 / year to scholarship funds for my private high school and undergraduate (I didn’t like my grad school experience so I skip that).

      Then, other donations are related ti causes I care about or work in: the environment, humanitarian aid, local education and food security.

    2. My husband and I are on several boards between us that each has a 100% board giving requirement, so the majority of our giving is directed at these groups. Early on, I’d given to my undergraduate and law schools, but the older I get, the less I feel as though those dollars are meaningful.

      1. Yeah, I agree. I am stopped giving to my college/prof schools. They are rich monoliths and there are much more worthy causes.

    3. We give 10% of net salaries, pledged giving to church. Didn’t start out giving this much but increased % and $ every time we got raises. Similar % maybe rounded up for bonuses that we give to non relig org.
      We also do $100-200/month for random fundraisers. Mid career, 2 little kids.

    4. I don’t have a plan. I have never felt like I have thousands to spare to make any sort of significant dent in a charity.

      Basically I give $50 or $100 when people hit me up. Rarely more, but occasionally. Like $250 would be a lot.

      When I made more money I would just go on Donors Choose binges when I felt charitable. I also gave classroom gifts in honor of certain friends for their birthdays, and then my friends would receive hand-written or hand-drawn thank you notes from the kids. That was great. One year I bought all new chairs for a local high school orchestra. Those are the years I would say I was doing really well financially, but I’m just not there now.

    5. It’s not anywhere near 10%, but the concept of tithing has been helpful, in the sense that I try to increase giving proportionally to salary increases. I do one-offs occasionally, but mostly monthly donations to a few causes.
      I am also a fan of donations in lieu of gifts, but ymmv of course.

      1. I give to my local foodbank and independent journalism monthly, and yearly to climate/environmental causes. One-offs could be various causes and it’s not very strategic.
        I just mentioned tithing abstractly, as in, feeling an obligation to give, and that obligation growing in proportion to my level of prosperity. I was not raised in any religion, and I am not donating to any.

    6. I give $25 to any friend who’s raising money for anything, assuming it’s not a cause I’m morally opposed to, and help clear the A-zon wishlists of teacher friends and acquaintances. I give in $100-200 chunks to arts organizations and public school fundraisers. My kid’s elementary school does a big gift drive for kids whose families can’t afford Christmas presents, and I typically spend a lot on that, in the $500-1k range. Kids are my priority, I’d say.

    7. I give to three charities, motivated by a combination of emotion and self-interest. I give to my son’s school because it’s a small school and donations make a difference to the students. Frankly, I also think making a donation means that if there is ever a problem, the school will take my call seriously. I donate to my alma mater. I had a wonderful experience there after a rough time in high school. I donate to financial aid (even though I know it’s fungible) because I don’t want to cost to stop a student from going to their best fit. In the back of my mind, though, I know being a regular donor may help my kid with admissions, later on. The last charity is a bit too personal and specific for me to talk about remain anonymous, but it’s not an educational charity.

    8. Most of my family hasn’t had access to a college education and is doing fine but has very little safety net. So far I have not yet felt like I’m in a position to give money without potentially regretting it later. But when I’ve spent a lot of money on something like a hospitalization or medical intervention, sometimes donating to help strangers with similar needs has felt like the right thing to do.

    9. I definitely don’t do tithing. I give to charities that matter to me thru charity navigator, usually in November, about $1000 to local school charities, and anywhere from $25-$250 for charitable things friends or strangers hit me up for.

    10. Food is my priority. I give monthly to World Central Kitchen to help those I don’t know and an equal amount to a local food bank to help those I might know. I also cook monthly for LasagnaLove, with food costs going up my lasagna cost about $18 And there is also gas to deliver it. I wfh so assemble on my lunch break and throw in the oven during the afternoon.

  10. How can I support my spouse during what I would describe as situational depression rather than clinical depression? He’s having some health issues, which fortunately are fixable (not cancer) but he needs some surgeries and is depressed about them in a “why me?” sort of way. The depression comes out as irritability and complaining. I am not unsympathetic, I feel really bad that he hurts and needs the surgeries and I try to express that all the time. But I also don’t need him bitching at me about basically everything all day long.

    Thoughts?

    1. If the irritability is him snapping at you, I think it’s okay to ask him not to snap or be irritable at you just because he’s depressed. We’re all adults and we’re all responsible for how we treat each other.

      For complaining, I’d just let him vent. It sounds like life sucks right now and it’s an easy thing to be a sounding board for someone complaining.

      1. Thanks for this. Yes, we’ve had the discussion about the irritability, but the complaining is about EVERYTHING, not just the surgery. :)

        No funds for non-network/insurance-covered counseling of any sort right now, especially with surgery bills coming soon, to address the comment below.

        1. You may have thought of/tried these kinds of things, but can you create something stabilizing and positive to look forward to every day? (Until this is all over, we’re getting espresso every morning before work / going out for ice cream after dinner / walking in that park we always talk about going to.)

          I know that pain can makes people very crabby, and in the pained person’s minds, they’re holding back 90% of how they feel and being amazingly chipper. Often they are not!

          It’s possible nothing would cheer him up, but if something would cheer you up, that might be something!

          1. Yes, maybe set aside some time for relief to give yourself a break. (You could present it as “Of course it has to be dealt with & worked through but we all function better with breaks”.) We have a no serious topics after 10 pm rule in our house & watch an episode of a comedy before bed.

    2. Can you guys do some couples therapy on this? When my DH went through some similar it surfaced some communication issues and we wished we had done couples therapy earlier so I could have been more supportive and he could have been a better recipient of support.

  11. To the AM poster re pools – I thought I didn’t want one with our Midwest winters. But the local pool has not kept up with the realities of climate change – my neighbors are out there partying it up April thru October sometimes, while local pool is open for June, July, and half of August b/c they’re staffed by teenagers. My kids are 10 and 13, and it’s a 2 year wait for a pool… but if they were younger I’d seriously consider it.

    1. Sounds like your local pool’s schedule is less of a climate change lag than it is functioning under the reality of teen school schedules.

    2. It’s a staffing issue, not a failure to adapt to climate change. I don’t know what you want local pools to do when school begins on August 12 and most of the workforce is in high school.

      1. I think at a certain point you realize it isn’t just a few weird summers and you start hiring for more of the edge season, though. Or make tradeoffs like reduced hours or weekend hours.

        1. They don’t have the teenagers willing to do it. I’ve read articles about places where retired folks have gotten lifeguard certified in order to help keep their community pools open. I’m working a different 2nd job right now, but next summer, have thought about getting certified in order to help with weekend hours at my local pool.

    3. Do you not have indoor pools? I’m in the Midwest and our public outdoor pools close the first week of August when the teen lifeguards go back to school, but we have a community center with an indoor pool that we use throughout the fall.

    4. OP here, thank you for commenting! April through October though… are the neighbors just bold about cold water or the water is pleasant to be in?

      1. The weather is often a-ok during those times, 80+. The pools are also heated, though, at least my most direct neighbor. I’d say about 35% of the houses have pools in our development.

  12. Help me find a rug? I have a very narrow powder room that I’d like to put a rug in – but a 2×4 rug is ideal. 2×5 maybe. But I can’t find anything in that size range.

      1. Googled again and it turns out 2 x 4 is a standard size for doormats! There are tons of options if you want an easy care rug – not a bristly sort of doormat, but the kind of rug you’d put just inside your door.

      2. Huh, ok – I had tried going to individual sites like rugs.com, huggable, wayfair etc and their filters were zero help.

      1. I have that one in front of my high traffic doors. Works well and is a few years old and has held up.

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