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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 183 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Lume Drape-Front Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Max Mara Lume Drape-Front Dress | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Yes, I know it is mid-May — not exactly long-sleeve weather. Still: this looks like the kind of dress that will stand the test of time, and it's rare to see an investment dress like this go on sale. I like the draped front, and the fitted sides, and, yes, the 3/4 sleeves. The dress was $795, but is now on sale for $477 at Saks. Max Mara Lume Drape-Front Dress Here are a couple of lower-priced options in regular and petite sizes (one, two), another that's available up to size 16, and a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-6)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Houda

    Hello Hive ;
    I’m going to a Hawai’ian Luau reception (yes in Africa). Attendance will be diplomats, C-suits etc. I’m one of the most junior people there but have gotten myself into this network that I meet 3 or 4 times per year.
    I am attending to step up my networking skills but wondering what on earth I could wear.
    The invitation says: Business Casual or Aloha attire.
    Help!
    P.S. the US ambassador is very chill, (last time we had a cowboy theme)

  2. Wordy

    (Long shot) Has anyone ordered a rug from Birch Lane? I am not familiar with the company, but I like their designed and the prices seem reasonable. TIA!

  3. Anon for this

    Threadjack, any members of the hive out there that have a recommendation for a fertility app they like? I am interested in one that tracks your period and predicts when you are ovulating, etc. TY!

    • A Nonny Moose

      Kindara worked for me. It doesn’t predict ovulation but if you enter your temperature daily, a la TCOYF, you’ll be able to see patterns. I would be skeptical of apps that predict ovulation just based on your cycles– not sure if thats what you meant.

      • Walnut

        Also used Kindara. After a few months of tracking, I was able to reasonably predict my ovulation.

    • Anon

      Fertility Friend. We just used the free version and I was very happy with it.

      • Anonymous

        This. The free version is super easy and discrete (i.e., the name on your screen is “FF Mobile” with a picture of a calendar and it doesn’t send any notifications or emails or anything).

      • Anonymous

        I use the paid version of FF. It is incredibly discreet on my phone, which I appreciate. Their pregnancy forums were also the least weird ones I found, and I’ve now found their trying after loss forums to be equally nice.

    • buffybot

      I’ve been using Glow.

      Can’t compare it to the others, but the interface seems fairly straightforward and it’s been helpful to track periods. You can fill in as much or as little data as you want, and it seems to be fairly accurate for me. However, I’m not sure it “learns” from cycle to cycle.

      Separately, I find the reminders to have LGP during fertile week annoying and the forums are terrifying.

      They now also have a complementary ap for your partner, and it apparently sends him hilarious messages, say, when I’m supposed to be having my period. “Give buffybot a hug today,” etc.

    • Anonymous

      Clue- It’s the least irritating one out there, not overly pink or twee, and explains the science behind various things. Glow was just gross

      • Anon

        second the recommendation for Clue. I thought the interface was super clean and very easy to use.

    • Anonymous

      My Days. Predicts ovulation and periods (pretty good accuracy if you have regular cycles). You can also track temperature, mood, any symptoms, etc…

  4. Do I Stay or Do I Go?

    Hi all,

    I’d love to hear your stories of leaving Big Law to go in-house — especially if you were fairly happy in your Big Law life, lack of life notwithstanding.

    I’m a fifth year in an NYC firm and, against all odds, find myself enjoying my practice and my coworkers. People have started making promising noises about my “long term” opportunities here, although I’m skeptical about whether those really mean anything in the long run. A favorite client of mine, however, has extended an offer join them, and I find myself deeply torn. I really like working with the client (I’ve known the personalities for years now), and the work would be interesting and challenging, albeit a bit of a departure. I would probably get to do less industry-level “policy” type projects than I do currently, and I’d have to focus my area of practice a bit.

    How did you know when it was the right time to leave the firm? For those of you who stayed, what kept you there? Do you wish you chose differently? If you left, do you ever regret it?

    In general, even for the non-lawyers — did you ever get an attractive offer for a new job when you didn’t feel quite ready to move on? How did you go about deciding what to choose? What criteria were important to you?

    At the end of the day, I think I’m just going to have to figure out what I WANT — but I don’t know why it’s so hard to pinpoint that at the current moment. Thoughts in any form much appreciated.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      This is going to sound kind of pessimistic, but when I feel like I’m struggling with two equally good options, I’ll game out the worst-case outcome for each path, and that’ll usually help me clarify what I want. It’s easy to be torn between the shiny promise of each best-case scenario, because either path could be fulfilling and amazing and blah blah blah, but what’s the *worst* you can live with? Answering that question has always been the key, for me, to unlocking what really matters to me in a given situation.

      • Anonymous

        I do something similar. I ask myself which one I’m more likely to regret in five or ten years. I imagine myself at the firm in that time and at the company and ask whether I would be regretting the other choice. That always seems to make it clear to me. For me, I would definitely pick the in house opportunity as I would seriously regret not taking it if I didn’t make partner and those opportunities just don’t come along that often.

    • roses

      I think this comes down to not just the type of work you want to do, but whether you want to be partner and everything that goes with it. Do you think you would enjoy the business development side of being at a firm? Are you OK with putting in the extreme effort it takes as a senior associate to make partner? Etc., etc.

      If you don’t want to try to make partner at your firm, I’d leave now – fifth year is the sweet spot for in-house jobs outside of general counsel, etc. If you do, go for it – sounds like you’re in a great position to succeed.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      A couple things to consider in addition to what everyone else has written/will write:

      1. What will happen to your compensation? If it will not continue to rise as it would if you stay in BigLaw, pay off all your loans (student, car, consumer, etc.) and start your retirement fund before you leave. Once those large and constantly increasing checks stop coming, it is much harder to fund things in chunks.

      2. How important is it to you, both personally and for future professional opportunities, to be able to say that you left as a partner?

      • JJ

        Agree with Former Partner. I left my Bigl,aw job in a niche practice in January, after receiving an unexpected offer to go in-house. I was torn, because I was a senior associate and was being told that I would not have an issue to make partner in a couple years.

        I accepted the offer and went in-house and haven’t looked back. I’ve actually become more of an expert in my field, because I’m answering questions and providing advice every day on many, many subjects. In my company, the hours are substantially less and much more predictable (my prior practice was primarily litigation). The comp is comparable, so I wasn’t taking a big cut. I actually get to relax on nights and weekends. I haven’t worked on a weekend since I’ve been here.

        When I finally decided to make the move, I realized that I was ok with not filling my goal of “make partner.” I have new goals now, that don’t involve being a partner in the near or long-term future (but, obviously, I wouldn’t rule it out). I had to make pros and cons lists and it finally came down to: will I regret turning this offer down?

        • Scarlett

          Agree and third-ing go. Most won’t make partner, those who do often don’t last long and so many people want to go in-house and can’t. It’s a great life and a great job.

          ETA I left in year 6 and 15 years later don’t regret it at all. My career is far more interesting and flexible than it ever would have been at a firm and comp is similar.

    • SF Rant

      Jump. Promising noises now mean nothing down the road. And if you’re interested enough in leaving to be debating the question seriously, and feeling the pull of something else, that’s probably a sign your heart isn’t really with the firm. To me, it’s like asking people if your partner is “the one” – if you really have to ask, s/he probably isn’t. (See also Senior Attorney’s excellent advice that relationships should be easy…I’d say it applies to workplaces too.) Good luck!

    • anon-oh-no

      ill be the voice of dissent. I love being a partner at a big law firm. I’ve considered going in-house many times over the years and always come out on the side of staying at my firm, solely because I am a litigator and I want to continue to litigate. not just oversee litigation. actually litigate. the big, bet-the-company cases that I handle now. sure, there are a handful of big corporations that allow their in-house lawyers to try cases, but they are usually small cases and not the type of work I love doing.

    • Anon

      This may be too late for you to see, but just another voice in favor of going in-house. I went in-house as a fourth year associate and never looked back. I’ve had more opportunities in-house than I could have foreseen, including to expand my practice into interesting areas, be directly involved in business decisions (including the “bet the company” kind), manage cross-disciplinary teams, and yes – to continue to practice law. In-house practice can give you the flexibility to tailor your practice and career in ways not possible at a law firm and to stretch yourself as opportunities outside of traditional law firm practice become available. Also – the benefits can be much better (health care! pensions!) Of course, it all depends on the company, but if it is the right one it can be great.

    • In House Lobbyist

      As you can tell, I made the leap 5 years ago and never looked back. It was a surprise offer from one of my clients. I didn’t feel “ready” to go in house and it wasn’t part of my “plan” yet but I went and have never looked back. Two kids later I could not imagine being in a law firm and I was in a mid-sized regional firm. My mentor told me that there is a reason people don’t go from in house to firms and he assured me I could come back but wouldn’t want to.

  5. Bonnie

    Beautiful dress. I rarely wear my black dresses in the winter though. They seem too morbid with my standard black tights and boots.

    • Asideralis

      I can see that, but my inner goth squees with excitement at being able to wear all black without anyone batting an eye. :D

      • a naan

        In my imaginary life, I would wear this dress (and any of the alternatives, really, because I think they’re all beautiful!) with fishnets and black booties, and I would look awesome. IRL….very different outcome, haha!

        Design of the dresses aside, if I am going to pay that much for a dress (which I am not), I’d want more than viscose/elastane. I’m always disappointed when I look at the materials and see something like that. Maybe I’m being a snob.

        • moss

          You’re not. I find the current dependence on polyester and the like in supposedly high-end clothing appalling.

        • Asideralis

          You’re not a snob. It seems that designers these days are getting lazy with fabrics. Polyester is rather disgusting, most of the time.

          • Anonymous

            Thanks for weighing in–it’s good to know I’m not alone! I get that fabric technology has advanced by leaps and bounds over the years, but I usually find the “fake” fabrics to feel much less pleasant than natural fibers. My mom used to make my clothes when I was little, so I guess I acquired these tastes early!

    • TO Lawyer

      I try to add a belt or statement necklace or scarf to break up the black. Otherwise I agree – it’s a lot of black!

      • la vie en bleu

        I don’t know, in the winter I kind of like wearing all black sometimes, it feels chic and also kind of cozy. ;o)

  6. Sailor Moon

    Hi all, I’m a longtime reader but first time poster. =) So here’s my TJ: I posted this late yesterday but thought I’d try again earlier today. Does anyone in the hive have any recommendations for a good house cleaning service/person for a newly married couple? Preferably a private business/solo rather than one of those huge cleaning companies and therefore not too much $$. I’m in Houston. Thanks!

    • Pearls

      Have you joined a Next Door online community? In my area, it’s a great source for local referrals for services like cleaning, handyman, etc.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – sorry you’ve gotten a rough introduction to the comment board here. I would definitely recommend something like NextDoor or Angie’s List for this, since your question is pretty specific to your area.

      • Walnut

        Ask neighbors if they have any recs. I went through three cleaning crews and then lucked into getting a flyer stuck in my front door. It’s tough to find the small companies who do a good job.

        • Sailor Moon

          Thanks Walnut! I would if I knew my neighbors…we moved in pretty recently, but I’ll give it a shot!

    • Anonymous

      Do newly married people have different cleaning needs than single people or people who have been married a long time?

      • Sailor Moon

        Ha ha, Anonymous. I mentioned the newly married bit to imply that we are trying to save some $. Still saving for our honeymoon…

        And thanks, Pearls. I will definitely check it out.

      • anon

        +1

        Really. Why say “newly married” when you really just mean “I’m looking for something affordable,” which, incidentally, you did.

        • Anonymous

          I think it’s a throwback to the days when being a “young couple” automatically meant a tight budget. I tried to read it favorably by inferring that a newly married couple means 2 people are living in the place, but no mess due to kids. (Of course, there’s no mention of pets, which could be messier than kids).

          • Sailor Moon

            Yes, thank you, that’s exactly what I was going for. We do have a pet – just one cat, though, and he’s not particularly messy. =) I didn’t realize that what I said would prove to be so controversial…I guess I’ll have to be more careful of my wording in this community.

          • meme

            FWIW Sailor, I also do not understand why your phrasing would be controversial. So, you used “newly married” as shorthand to describe your stereotypically newly-married financial/number in household situation, and plenty of “newly married” people do not fit into that stereotype. Who cares?

          • anony

            I think we should all give Sailor Moon a break. Not every comment that annoys you should be responded to and countered.

          • tesyaa

            Give her a break, but enjoy the social commentary. It’s clear that the phrase “newly married” as a symbol of anything in particular is very outdated.

          • Wildkitten

            I assumed it meant that they had no kids, and possibly also that they are still on good behavior and don’t want a messy house to screw up their honeymoon phase.

          • Lyssa

            Agree with Wildkitten – I also assumed it meant probably fairly new to living together and dividing out household responsibilities (which I guess is a bit of throwback in itself).

          • Sailor Moon

            Thanks for the show of support meme, anony, and tesyaa. It’s much appreciated. =)

          • single...

            It’s funny, but as a life-long single, I have always thought the opposite (financially) when I read “newly married”….. you lucky dogs. You just got a bunch of free gifts, and now have a great roomie to split your rent. And now you can afford someone to clean your house/apt because you can split the cost. And maybe you can now afford a downpayment on a house etc…

            Of course, that is utterly simplistic!

            But I remember how much better my married friends had quality of life wise than I did in my 20’s/30’s. It’s all relative I guess.

          • Sailor Moon

            @single… and Anon: This would be true if I weren’t just a government lawyer with massive law school loans to pay back! Once those are done, then yes, I could say the same…but of course, it helps big time having someone to share the bills with as you say. ;-)

  7. Lisa

    As to the dress, a note on Max Mara fit. Narrow-shouldered women, rejoice. The broad-shouldered among us, step away;).

  8. Cheating Anon

    Six years into my marriage I started an affair with a guy in another state (so mostly not physical, though we did have sex once when he came to my town for work). Six months into it he ended things when he started seeing someone else, and I am devastated. I am about ready to file for divorce and go chase after him.
    I care about my husband, buy I’m not sure I love him anymore. I know I should focus on trying to rebuild our relationship and see if we can make things work. Or let him move on with someone who will treat him better. We do not have kids.
    Someone please give me the slap in the face I need?

    • Slapper

      1. Divorce your husband.
      2. Do not pass go.
      3. Do not collect $200.
      4. Do not chase after Mr. Other State.
      5. Live alone for at least a year.

    • Ellen

      I have not been in this exact position, but I can tell you that you should NOT throw away the baby with the bathwater, even tho you do NOT even have a baby. You DO have a husband, which is more then I ever have had, and presumeably he does love you and does NOT know you have been fooling around with some other guy — who NO LONGER is interested in you. If you get rid of what you have, you will have NOTHING AT ALL, b/c the guy in the other city had sex with you and decided that he did NOT want to have sex with you any more. No offense, but some guy’s just do that and once they’ve had sex with you and know what you are like, that is IT and they move on to another girl (which your schmoe did). I call him a schmoe b/c he KNEW you were married and just decided to let his winkie do the thinking for him, and you made the mistake of letting him park that winkie where it did NOT belong. FOOEY!

      But that is all in the past. Now your focus is to forget about the schmoe and build your releationship with your HUSBAND so that you will not be pineing after what you do NOT have. Stick with your husband b/c you MARRIED him. A month from now, you will see this is the best decision. If things are NOT right with him, see a REAL counselor, not people in the HIVE who are NOT experts. Do whatever you can to save your MARRAGE b/c there are a lot of loser’s out there who are NOT even worth sleepeing with. Good luck to you. YAY!!!

    • Anon for this

      Please leave your husband so he can find someone who will treat him better and won’t needlessly hurt him like this.

      I don’t really care what else you do but how can you say you care about your husband when you’re doing something so needlessly cruel?

      I’m saying this as someone whose white lie hurt her boyfriend so badly this weekend – it broke my heart to do that to him and I was trying to protect his feelings. I can’t imagine being ok with maliciously hurting him like you seem to be.

      • Anon

        Where’s the malice? People have affairs. I think it’s unlikely she woke up one morning and thought “Man, you know what would really stick it to my husband? An affair!”

        Figure out what you want. That might be staying, that might be going. But it should be what you actually want and what’s best for you. Then figure out what it will take to accomplish that. I am not with (and do not understand) the other commenters who seem to think the default is staying. The default is doing what’s best for you.

        • Hildegarde

          I think the default in life is “doing what’s best for you” only if you don’t love anyone else. Exhibiting love for someone sometimes involves putting their needs and desires on a level (or even ahead of!) your own.

          (FWIW, I actually do think choosing to love people is doing what’s best for you, too, because then you will be a better person with better relationships, but that isn’t my point here.)

    • Hildegarde

      Well, if you did manage to get back together with the out of state guy (which sounds like it would be tough if he already broke up with you for someone else), probably six years into that relationship you would find someone new, someone who seems great because you don’t have to deal with his annoying habits and the stresses of daily life with him like you do with a husband. Finding someone like that isn’t finding love; it’s temporarily escaping from your actual life into a fantasy.

      And love for your husband, once the easy in-love phase of early marriage passes, isn’t something that just happens to you or doesn’t happen. It’s something you choose to do, actively, even when it’s difficult. It sounds like there’s no real reason here for you to leave your husband, and plenty of reasons to choose to love him; that is, to act with love toward him, to choose to treat him and his needs/desires as though they are important to you. You talk about letting him move on to someone who will treat him better as though you have no control over the way you treat him, but you do. You can be the person who treats him better. You can be the person who chooses to love him.

      • mascot

        Well said. You can chose how to treat people. Perhaps some individual counseling to figure out what you want and what triggered you to stray. It’s hard to tell if you haven’t been invested in this marriage for a long time pre-dating the affair or if you are conflating your heartbreak over being dumped with your feelings towards your husband. Then, puruse possible couples counseling to get the tools necessary to work on the marriage.

        • Cheating Anon

          Mr. Out of State used to live in my town, and we were friends (completely platonic) for a few years before the affair. It was on the day he told me he was moving that he also said he was into me, and we made out. For hours like crazy teenagers. We made out a few more times before he left but I told him I couldn’t sleep with him because I was married. I had some misguided notion that it wasn’t cheating if there was no sex. I thought when he moved that was the end of it, but we kept in touch and eventually the texts and calls got more racy.
          Husband and I got married in our mid-20s, and he was my first real boyfriend. Super nice guy, but not very exciting and a little needy – he doesn’t have friends so I feel like I need to entertain him all the time. If I go out with friends he will text and ask if I’m going to be home for dinner, or just checks in. We don’t fight, but we don’t talk much or do things together anymore. I feel like we’ve grown apart. If I told him about the affair he would forgive me and want to work things out.

          • Anon

            “If I go out with friends he will text and ask if I’m going to be home for dinner, or just checks in.” …and that’s a bad thing? That sounds like a lovely, sweet husband who cares about you and your life together. Please do him a favor and move on, so that he can find someone who will treat him better.

          • Anon

            It sounds like while you live your husband, you don’t love him the “right” way and may be better off on your own. It might be a good idea to talk to a counselor before deciding, once you say it, it can’t be unsaid.

          • Yet another anon

            Re: Anon at 11:48 — I’m not defending anything else Cheating Anon says, but yes, checking in like that can be a bad thing. It can be absolutely suffocating to feel like someone else’s every thought, schedule, etc. revolves around you, which is what it sounded like she was describing. When you’re smothered like that, it doesn’t make you want to get closer, it makes you want to withdraw even further. I don’t believe OP behaved appropriately AT ALL, but I don’t think it’s fair to make it seem like she’s so horrible that she can’t even see how lovely and sweet her husband is being. That needy behavior is part of what is making her want to get away from him (which, again, is not okay).

          • Walnut

            Your husband texts about supper because he doesn’t know if he needs to plan something for two or if he is free to eat whatever guilty pleasure food he loves that you don’t. He may also text to check in to see if this is a good time to start up a movie on Netflix that he likes and you don’t.

            It’s also not difficult for you to text to say, “Going to happy hour with coworkers. Should be home around 7:30, don’t wait on me for supper.”

      • Bewitched

        Wow. Goosebumps from that answer. Well said! Marriage is a choice every day. I would also say that Mr. Another State has clearly sized you up and doesn’t want you. It would be a complete waste of your time to chase after him. Not to be harsh, but maybe he doesn’t want someone who will cheat on him in 6 years. Why don’t you take some time and work on yourself so that you can understand why you were not satisfied with hubby and you chose to look for affirmation from someone else?

    • Senior Attorney

      I think you should definitely get some individual counseling, ASAP, to figure out whether you should stay in your marriage. Because your husband does deserve to have someone who loves him and will treat him well. Not to mention the fact that you deserve to have your head screwed on a little tighter than it apparently is at the moment.

    • bridget

      Er… why would Mr. Out of Town want to date you? He already knows, for a fact, that you cheat.

      That said… I’ve seen marriages break up because at least one person in it thought they could “do better.” Turns out that the people who flirted with them when married weren’t actually interested in something serious, and it also turns out that dating as a divorcee is even less fun than dating as a never-married twenty/thirty-something.

      (I am not advocating that people stay in abusive or bad marriages for fear of being alone, but boredom is an exceptionally terrible reason to leave a marriage. You are still stuck with YOU after you leave.

      • Asideralis

        I disagree that boredom is a bad reason to leave a marriage. But then again, I don’t view marriage as the end all be all of relationships. *shrugs* If either person isn’t feeling the marriage and has worked as hard as they can to improve their circumstances, then it’s time to cut their losses.

        For my marriage, we celebrate each year by discussing our needs and desires and make the decision to “renew the contract” each year. And then we have fun “us time”.

        • bridget

          (Shrug) If you and your husband agree that the marriage lasts while it’s stimulating for both of you, fine – but most people view marriage as a lifelong commitment, “for better and for worse,” etc.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      GIANT PILES of individual counseling, stat!

      Don’t do anything at all until you’ve had at least a few appointments with a therapist.

      On the affair partner front, Mr. Out-of-State is not available, and leaving your husband to “chase after” someone who (a) has already rejected you and (b) is with someone else is gross and a touch stalkery (flip the genders for a minute – does the thought of a dude leaving his wife for a woman he had an affair with and moving across state lines to “chase” the affair partner after the affair partner broke up with him and started dating someone else sound squicky and boundary-violating? Yeah, it’s not different because you’re a lady). Mr. Out-of-State set a boundary; respect it. It’s the only decent thing to do.

      With regard to your marriage, maybe your husband really isn’t right for you, but you’re not operating from a place where you can make a rational decision about that right now – you’re heartbroken over the end of your affair, and you’re probably also (on some level) feeling guilty about that heartbreak, and this is almost definitely causing you to look for reasons your husband isn’t right for you so you can justify the cr@ppy thing you’ve done to him by betraying him with a bunch of justifications about how he wasn’t right for you anyway and he’ll be better off without you and blah blah blah. That’s your ego trying to protect itself talking, nothing more. So don’t make a decision about your marriage until you’ve gotten some professional help and some distance from the affair.

      Finally, have you noticed that, in all of your descriptions of what has happened here, you’re describing it all as stuff that happened *to* you, rather than as the result of your own choices? That’s, to put it mildly, a very not-good thing. If you keep thinking of your life this way (as a series of things that just happen, instead of as the result of your own choices and actions), you’re going to have a hard time no matter what guy you end up with.

      So, TL;DR – get therapy for yourself ASAP. Don’t make any decisions or take any actions you can’t undo until after at least a few sessions of therapy.

    • la vie en bleu

      Absolutely no judgement whatsoever coming from here, but if you’re not really sure you want to ‘rebuild your relationship’ with your husband and you are only considering it because you think you ‘should’, I think you should just leave him and let it go. And agree on spending some time by yourself and figuring out what you want. I just don’t think you should be with someone if you don’t *want* to be honest with that person about what you want and who you are. And I say this as someone who is bummed that I’ve been single for so long. But it just doesn’t sound like you are happy with the situation and that doesn’t sound fair to you or your husband.

      +1 to Divorce, don’t chase after other dude, and just get some therapy and spend time by yourself. Figure out what will make *you* happy, not what you “should” do. Also sending lots of hugs. I hope you can figure this out.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      The responses sound a little harsh to me. I do not condone cheating, but it happens. You choose how you want to treat people, but you get wrapped up in things and don’t always think straight. However, there are always consequences to your actions. I think you need to decide if you want to save your marriage or not. Yes, your husband certainly deserves 100% better than what you’ve given him. Do you want to continue this marriage and be faithful to your husband? I think you should definitely get some individual and couples counseling, tell your husband what happened, and maybe separate for a little. Also, marrying your first boyfriend at a young age is very very difficult. I would be absolutely miserable if I married my first serious boyfriend! But regardless of other men, the big question is do you want to continue your marriage? You said you don’t think you love him anymore and it doesn’t sound like there is any real passion or interest in saving it. Think about what you were hoping everyone would say in response to your comment. Ultimately, it’s really only something that you can decide. Good luck!

      • Anonymous

        I mean bank robberies happen to it doesn’t mean that we can’t judge people who do that. I think the right move here is to go forward with the divorce and individual counseling- its worth it to find the right relationship for both of you. Please don’t follow the affair partner- not to sound harsh but he saw you as disposable so he has moved on- he doesn’t want you to blow up your marraige for him.

    • Scandia

      It seems to me, that there are two seperate issues. You had an affair and you feel unhappy in your marriage.

      It is likely, that you had the affair because you were unhappy, but still – try to put the outer state guy out of your head, he has ended the affair.

      And then figure out, what do you want? Ask yourself things like: What are your feelings for your husbond? If you think two years ahead, what are your dreams? If your husbond came and told you he wanted a divorce – would you feel you had lost something precious or would you be relieved?
      Best of luck!

    • Anon

      FWIW, I was in a similar situation, with less cheating. I was fairly miserable in my marriage, mainly because I fell out of love. I too was bored, and I didn’t feel fulfilled. We didn’t have engaging conversations; we could barely be in each other’s presence at times. So I left, and am getting a divorce. This is a really depressing thing to say, but the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. At least when I was married I had a “family” (I’m not close with my own). I knew there was someone by my side and that I could take trips with. That, despite our problems, I mattered to. Now I am alone and also miserable. I worry I will never find the person who excites me, and I worry I made a mistake, even though the relationship had really soured.

      • Senior Attorney

        Give it time, Anon at 4:45. Divorce is horrible and it definitely gets worse before it gets better. But it will get better! Hugs from somebody who has been there!

    • Anon

      Late night response: give it time before making a decision. And some contrary advice from someone married 20 years this week — the 6th year of marriage is tough. You are definitely through the early years of excitement and getting settled and it can feel like a terrible rut that will never end. Our years 6 and 7 were the hardest of our marriage and we were horribly disconnected. It takes effort. Give it real effort to find how to enjoy time together again. Plan your time together both as a couple and with friends together. Work to create that life together. Sounds like your husband would be amenable to your ideas on what to do together so take the initiative — go to concerts, hiking, cooking classes, classic films, or whatever interests you and gives you experiences to enjoy together and build memories. Try to really talk to your husband about things that are important to both of you. You married for better or for worse — and that includes these rough years. Try to work it out. (Including therapy as others have suggested).

  9. Anonymous

    Is there a way to turn off the e-mail notifications from LinkedIn when someone has a birthday or work anniversary? I’ve poked around briefly and didn’t see it, and these e-mails drive me bonkers.

    • Momata

      Account and Settings / Privacy and Settings / Communications / “Set the frequency of emails.”

    • mascot

      Go into Privacy/Settings and tweak the email notifications. I don’t know that you can get that specific on just turning off certain notifications so turning off emails altogether may mean you have to visit the page to make sure you didn’t miss notifications you actually want to see.

    • emails

      I’ll also plug for unroll me, which corrals all of your promotional emails into one daily email. Every time it detects a new subscription in your inbox it lets you know and you can choose to add them to your roll up or keep it in your inbox. It’s awesome.

  10. Anonymous

    I know astrology is bunk, but does anyone else LOVE reading their horoscope every morning?

    • Susie

      I do! Not going to make life decisions based on it but I think they’re fun to read.

  11. Nice Cube

    Home décor TJ – anyone have recommendations for cellular window shades? There are so many options and I am not sure where to start. I am a bit overwhelmed by the amazon and other online reviews and just trust the reviews around here so much more! I would like the top-down option and maybe even cordless if that is possible.

    TIA!

    • Senior Attorney

      Not cellular, but my designer ordered all my window shades from JC Penney, of all places, and I’ve been really happy with them.

    • Calico

      I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of my Blinds.com roller shades. I would order from them again.

    • Anonymous

      We have the Levolor cellular shades. They are very nice and were totally reasonably priced. The one for our really big window bedroom broke soon after they were installed (our cleaning lady broke it) and they replaced it and reinstalled it for free.

    • anonymama

      If you have a membership, Bali blinds from Costco! You have to measure the windows yourself, and install, but it is pretty straightforward, the blinds are very good quality (held up for 7 years), and the price is pretty good for the quality.

    • Watermelon

      Top-down and cordless exists. It’s worth seeing if there’s a local blinds shop in your area. They’re more likely to be able to come to your home, give advice, measure, and install the blinds.

    • Rory H

      Custom ordered Levolor from Lowe’s online. Was fast, easy to install and good quality with the room darkening upgrade.

  12. Senior Attorney

    Hey, ladies! Another quick trip-to-New-York TJ: What’s the best way to get from JFK airport to our hotel in midtown? We are willing to pay for a car service, but is there a less expensive option like a shuttle that doesn’t make a million stops? Or does anybody have a car service you recommend?

    And here’s a funny story: I booked our hotel weeks and weeks ago because a colleague had stayed there and raved about the rooftop bar. So it’s been all talk about the rooftop bar, all the time, for the past month or more. We even made plans to meet friends at our hotel in the rooftop bar. Found out yesterday the rooftop bar is closed for renovations! Yikes! Gigantic disaster! Fortunately I was able to book a different hotel with a rooftop bar (which I have confirmed will be open), but man. I lost about 10 years off my life with that little crisis…

    • Anon in NYC

      You can take the Air Train to Jamaica Station and catch the Long Island Rail Road into Penn Station. That may be the most direct (and shortest) route to get into midtown. Depending on where exactly your hotel is you can walk or catch the subway (or a much less expensive cab).

      • Clementine

        This is what I always do and it’s the lowest-stress way I’ve found.

    • Anonymous

      Is there any reason you wouldn’t just take a cab? They’re plentiful and have a set rate so that would be my suggestion unless you really want a private driver.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, that occurred to me after I posted. Here in LA a cab is heinously expensive and nasty and dirty, so for some reason I just spaced on the whole “jumping in a cab thing.” D’oh!

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Cab or Uber would be most direct. AirTrain to Jamaica to LIRR to Penn would be most direct for least money if you’re staying in Midtown West. If you’re staying in Midtown East, Airtrain to Jamaica to subway might be quicker (since getting from Penn to the East Side is annoying and difficult). Also, some hotels may offer shuttle service to/from Penn, so check to see if your hotel offers that.

      • Senior Attorney

        Oh my gosh, yes!!

        Something funny: My gentleman friend has never been to New York, and the other night he said “Somebody was telling me the Metropolitan Museum is pretty good so I thought maybe we could check it out.” Heh.

        • Former Partner, Now In-House

          My biggest internal debate (often also conducted with DH out loud) is: after wandering the Met, should we have drinks/apps in the lobby bar or on the rooftop? So much easier in winter, when lobby bar is the only option.

          Also: GF (Gentleman Friend) is not allowed to visit NYC for the first time and not see the Met. Sorry, against the rules. :)

          • Senior Attorney

            That was my thought as well! :) And thanks so much for the heads-up on the bar!!

    • NYC

      Where exactly is your hotel in Midtown? I usually take the NYC Airporter. It makes dropoffs near Grand Central, Port Authority Bus Terminal, and Penn Station so that could be very convenient for you. You may then be able to get a shuttle to your actual hotel but I usually just walk/subjway once I’m in Midtown. It’s about $16 one way and there’s a discount if you book round trip. How many people will you be? It may just be easier to take a cab instead, and also I would not recommend a car service in particular over a cab since they’re usually more expensive and in general I trust cabs more. Unless it’s an UberX or Lyft

      • AIMS

        Just take a cab. $16 times 2 people is not so much less than a taxi, which will run you around $50 and the speed and convenience is so worth it. If you have carmel limo or one of the other services pick you up, it’s $44 and you can print a $4 coupon from their website, so $40. That’s $8 more than one of the shuttles. I’ve used both carmel and 777s with good results.

    • S-non

      What time are you landing? Traffic from JFK can be awful sometimes… train may be faster even though you have to take stops and it’s not as direct as just jumping in a car.

  13. Baconpancakes

    Hoping some of the handier ladies on here can explain this or point me to a resource: landlord only allows a single window AC unit in the entire apartment to be plugged into a specified wall outlet, but encourages portable units if we still need additional AC. The reason given is that it’s the only outlet that can “handle” the AC. Since portable units are less efficient, also require grounded outlets, and use the same or more power, this seems fishy to me. If the real reason is that the landlord thinks they’re ugly or too much of a liability, that’s fine, but I’m trying to understand why power limitations would allow for a portable AC unit but not a window AC unit.

    • Wildkitten

      I’m not familiar with portable A/C but If I turn on multiple window units in my apartment I blow a fuse.

    • Anon

      You might check the voltage. Maybe portables are weaker so they’re less likely to trip the breaker.

    • VaguellyInformedOpinion

      Sounds fishy to me too. In a typical house each circuit will have several outlets connected to it and the entire circuit will be fused at 15 amps. That’s why if, for example, the microwave and AC are connected to the same circuit (via different outlets) you can get a lot of shorts. Possibly previous tenants had a low-power portable unit and were able to plug it into circuits that were already loaded.

      • VaguellyInformedOpinion

        low-BTU should be low-power (since the efficiencies of the units are different). Power = Current*voltage, but all voltages will be 120 V so current is the only thing that matters.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe there’s only one high capacity outlet in the unit near the window and the landlord doesn’t want to pay to install in the rest of the rooms?

      Could there possibly be HOA restrictions on how many window units?

      • Baconpancakes

        No HOA, and the window unit I wanted to install would be facing the courtyard anyway. I understand about the dedicated, “high capacity” outlets (only one outlet to the breaker would receive the full 125V/15A), but if that’s the case, I shouldn’t be able to use a portable AC unit, either.

        • VaguellyInformedOpinion

          I think we need to move on to option c here: your landlord isn’t very sophisticated about electricity. The problem is not to figure out why he’s correct but how to explain to him (nicely) that he’s wrong.

    • Mpls

      Who pays the electric bill? Is it part of the rent or does each apartment have it’s own meter?

    • Bonnie

      Baconpancakes is it an old house? The way our old house is wired, only certain outlets can handle some items. A portable unit will require less juice than a larger window unit. You can test it out by plugging in a portable unit to see if it blows a fuse.

    • Senior Attorney

      I think those are great!

      And heartiest congratulations on the twins! :)

    • Sacha

      I hope so because I own them (non-perf version because I didn’t know about the perf version) and wear them exactly as you plan to. Sometimes sandals just don’t work.

      ETA: I find them very comfortable and I have foot issues that make wearing anything flat an issue.

  15. anon for this

    I’m getting married (yay!) in October to my partner of five years. He has a daughter from his previous marriage, and he and ex have a pretty good relationship. I have a pretty good relationship with her, too (and a great relationship with their awesome daughter, who just turned 9 and lives with us half time). So Ex friended me on Facebook a while ago, which I thought was weird, but whatever – I spend 50% of her daughter’s life with Daughter, so I understand you might want to see what I’m up to. I’m not a big “sharer” of my personal life on Facebook and it seemed like overkill to hide my posts from her, so I just continued on normally. (I did hide her feed and have never looked at her page, because – well, she’s not my friend.)

    I don’t post a ton about the wedding – I’m in my 30s, I’m past the blushing bride stage – but occasionally I’ll post about something. I got a dress! We booked the venue! She comments on EV. ER. Y. THING. about the wedding, her former in-laws….anything even wedding-adjacent. Other stuff? Not so much. We are getting a kitchen renovation right now and I post photos from that per friends’ requests – she never comments on that, for example. So it’s pretty targeted about the wedding.

    Friends see it as “she’s trying to prove how ‘cool with it’ (TM Amy Schumer)” she is. I see it – when paired with her behavior/comments over the last five years – as an “I was here first” kind of line in the sand. It honestly doesn’t make me angry or feel worried/threatened, I just find it really bizarre. I would just delete her comments, but that seems needlessly passive aggressive. I know people notice it, because I’ve had friends text me and say, “What’s up with that?”

    As I type this out it really does seem pretty benign and I’m sure most responses will be, “Just ignore it.” My approach to her “line-drawing” behavior in the past has been to just ignore it. It seems like this will just be A Thing for the rest of our lives (I assume, if it hasn’t changed after five years) and this Facebook thing is just another iteration of it. Thoughts?

    Oh, and my partner is not on FB so he is not aware of it, and I haven’t mentioned it other than, “I thought it was weird that Ex friended me on Facebook.”

    • Anon

      Are they nice comments? It could really be anything. Maybe she loves wedding planning or is trying to show you how cool she is with the situation.

      • OP

        The one today was on a Dear Prudence column that I shared. The headline was about how the LW’s mother in law was going to wear HER WEDDING DRESS to the wedding, which I thought was insane and hilarious, and I basically just shared the link saying something along the lines of: “I’m so glad my mom and future mother-in-law are awesome and not insane!” And she posted, “I don’t know your mom, but your future mother-in-law is great!” which is definitely the weirdest of the things she has posted.

        • Lorelai Gilmore

          If that’s the weirdest thing she’s posted, then I think you are overreacting. Is it a little odd? Yes. But who cares? It’s a nice thing to say. I’d just go with it.

        • bridget

          Some women get possessive of the men they have dated/married/etc. They just can’t really “let go” of him – or the idea of both of them. The FMIL comment seems almost… possessive? Like she was there first, and you’re the newcomer who won’t ever be HER?

    • Wildkitten

      Is she posting “cute dress!” or “I can’t wait to pour pigs blood on you in that dress on the altar on your wedding day”? If it’s the first I would ignore it, if it’s the second you should talk to your fiance about it.

      • OP

        More along the lines of, “Great venue!” or “So exciting!” which yeah, weird, but not scary (YET).

    • Anonymous

      Sigh. This is why I hate Facebook. It just creates needless anxiety. (1) Ignore it. It’s weird, but weird for her not you. You are doing your life, she is the one commenting on things that aren’t her business. (2) If you can’t ignore it, stop posting about the wedding on Facebook.

      • Anonymous

        I should also add, do not say anything to her. It will just sound childish that you want to post things on Facebook but only want certain people to like or comment on them. (Yes, I get where you’re coming from, but confronting someone about it is a different thing.) You don’t want to risk creating a rift in your relationship with her, as it sounds like you’re going to be somewhat stuck with her in your life.

        • OP

          Yes, this is what I’m leaning towards. I guess I partly wanted to hear, “Yes, it’s okay to just basically not say anything at all” (which is what I want to do) and partly wanted to hear, “Yes, it is a little weird and it’s okay that you think it’s weird!”

      • Terry

        Re (2): or just block her from seeing your wedding status updates. It sounds like the online interaction is creating weirdness for in-person interactions (which, after all, matter more). If you’ve never used privacy controls before it can take a few minutes to figure them out but it’s so, so worth it.

        • Anon

          +1 you can set privacy settings for individual posts. I don’t ever post anything scandalous on FB but will occasionally block work people from seeing certain posts.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, ignore it. If you can’t ignore it, stop talking about the wedding on Facebook. There are so many non-sinister explanations. Maybe she loves weddings. Maybe she’s hearing about the wedding from Daughter so that’s why she’s interested. Maybe it’s just chance that that’s when she logs in or looks at your page. And maybe she is trying to show she’s cool with it – so what? If her comments aren’t rude, there’s no reason to get upset about it.

      • Must be Tuesday

        Yes, this. Might also be nostalgia for in-laws she liked and misses, or for being married in general (not necessarily to your fiancé), or for planning a wedding. Weird though it may be to you, your wedding may feel more personal to her than the weddings of other people who are posting on Facebook because you are marrying her ex, and as a result of this wedding, you will become her daughter’s step-mother. Also, it’s the wedding of her daughter’s father, and she may just be someone who gets excited about weddings of anyone she’s closely connected to. This may especially apply if her daughter is in the wedding party. I’ve been surprised by some of the people (both friends and relatives) who have gotten really excited for my wedding. I think it’s more about their love of weddings and being part of it, than it is about their relationship with me or my fiancé.

        • Must be Tuesday

          Also, some people use Facebook to connect to just about anyone they know (and even some people they don’t) rather than limiting their “friends” on Facebook to people they actually consider friends in real life. And, I think, once you comment on someone’s post, their posts start showing up in your feed more frequently. So once she commented on one of your wedding posts, Facebook probably started featuring the rest of your wedding posts more prominently in her feed.

    • single...

      I’m not a Facebook user, so forgive me for this basic question, but can you block her comments so you don’t have to see them? Maybe block them in a way she doesn’t know you are blocking them? Seems like they are only gonna cause you some discomfort at this point… nothing to gain.

      It’s stories like this that make me think, geez…. facebook… thank god I’m not on it.

    • CHJ

      No snark intended here at all, but if it’s bothering you enough to write a five paragraph question about it here, it’s bothering you enough to hide these posts from her. It’s very easy to do on Facebook (audience: “Friends, Except Ex”), and you have the option to make all your other posts open to all friends (including her) if you want. Or you could create a “Close Friends” group and only post wedding things to that smaller subset if that feels better to you.

      • OP

        Good call. I really should do this. I think I’ve usually subscribed to the “If I don’t want my conservative aunt to read this, I shouldn’t post it on Facebook” school so I’ve never used privacy settings, but this really is a fine reason to do it.

      • rosie

        Generally speaking, I would limit your wedding posts to only FB friends invited to the wedding on the theory that it’s rude to go on and on about the details of a party in front of people who are not invited.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      You can customize who sees your statuses – just create an “everyone but Ex and Ex-adjacent” list and post wedding stuff only to the custom list.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve always thought this is risky because you have to also block everyone who knows her and might tell her and everyone who knows those people and might tell them etc….it’s pretty easy for someone to find out they’re blocked from seeing something if someone else says “hey, did you see on FB that OP got her wedding dress?” I’ve seen it happen in real life a few times and I’ve always thought it was so immature. I think it’s much better to just ignore it or not post about it.

        • Mpls

          I don’t know about OP, but I get so much stuff in my feed anyway, I don’t really pay attention to what I “should” have seen, but didn’t.

    • My Stepkids' Mom

      Be prepared to see something about your kitchen remodel and how much it cost in some future request for increased spousal or child support.

      Plus what everyone else says.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Regardless of whether you’re friends with her or not, always assume that anything on Facebook or other site is completely public despite privacy settings!

    • Senior Attorney

      I think it was a mistake to accept her friend request and that you should unfriend her. In the unlikely event that she mentions it, say you decided to pare your friends list way down and you’re sure she understands. It might be awkward for one conversation but then it will be over and you can get on with your life.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I don’t see any reason for her to be your Facebook friend, even with a stepchild involved, especially if it is causing you to feel this way.

      • Anonymous

        I would block her. That way, she can’t even search for you anymore. It’s the most painless way to do it, imo.

      • Anonymous

        This sounds like the least painless way, should have probably not accepted the friend request in the 1st place

        • OP

          I’ll admit I did some soul-searching about that. I didn’t want to but I guess I was afraid of being rude. I don’t normally have an issue with boundary-setting but I think this sort of complicated semi-relationship is not something I am used to.

      • anon

        Coming at it from the ex’s perspective…If I had an amicable split from an ex and there was a kid involved, I would have friend-ed you too. You’ve got my kid in your house/car, you could be posting pictures of her, perhaps ex isn’t the best at communicating so it’d be nice to see what’s (generally) going on in his life, etc. I’d also find it really weird if you unfriend-ed me if I’ve only ever said friendly tings, and it would never cross my mind that over-commenting was the reason.

        I second going the privacy setting route, just to avoid stirring up drama with a woman that will be in your life forever.

    • S-non

      It does sound like you’re a pretty big “sharer” on FB… at least that’s how I would judge you if these kinds of posts showed up on my news feed. I wouldn’t post these updates if you don’t want the comments.

      • Anonymous

        Agree- it looks like you actually are a big sharer on fb if you are posting that you got your dress, etc. I would just limit your wedding posts (which honestly, you should anyway. Your whole fb world doesnt need to know that you booked a venue, especially when most of them prob arent invited.)

    • Bay Area

      I would assume that she is just trying to be supportive of the marriage/wedding since the default assumption would be that she is sore on that topic, whereas she is not expected to have any opinions on your kitchen remodel. Given that you have a friendly relationship it wouldn’t even occur to me that she might have an ulterior motive.

  16. Wedges

    I’m looking for something exactly like the Jessica Simpson Sampson wedge in Almond (same style/color/etc.) except (1) a 2 or 2.5 inch heel instead of 3 inches, and (2) more comfortable (the reviews seem to be not so great for the Sampson). Help! Willing to pay up to $100. I’m a size 6.5/7. TIA :)

  17. Anonny

    All of my posts either are delayed by more than an hour to post here or do not post at all. Very tired of this.

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