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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Michi Cotton-Blend Top

A woman wearing a pale blue top with yellow stripes at the cuffs and hem, as well as dark blue jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This pale blue top from L.K.Bennett is such a beautiful piece for spring. The cotton/rayon blend hangs perfectly and would slip nicely underneath blazers or sweaters.

I would really lean into the preppy look and pair this with a navy blue blazer and pearls for a great springtime outfit.

The top is $140 at L.K.Bennett and comes in sizes XS–XL.

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Sales of note for 12.5

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188 Comments

    2. It’s weird. The time change last fall hit me harder than the change this week. I would have expected the reverse. But I sympathize. Changing time is no fun!

    3. I wish we could be like AZ and just ditch it completely. Spring fed is the worst and I’d like for it to be cooler in The evenings and darker in the summer.

      1. YOU ARE IN LUCK.

        Yesterday the Senate passed the Sunshine Protection Act. It (functionally) makes Daylight time permanent (so, the good time, the March-November you actually see the sun time, IMHO).

        But now the House has to pass it. So email your congressperson and tell them to pass it. We can all be Arizona!

        1. i’d rather stick to standard time all year. is that option under consideration? also – does the Senate not have anything more pressing to discuss right now?

          2. Same. As a western-most Eastern time zone resident, I hate the idea of no chance at all of morning sunshine for 5 months of the year.

      2. The Senate voted to get rid of it, if you care, ask that the bill be taken up in the House.

      3. unfortunately for you… what the Senate passed is only half your goal – it would get rid of the time change but in favor of lighter evenings. (FWIW I prefer that approach!)

        1. I would be psyched for long evenings to become the norm all year! I hate that day in November where it’s suddenly dark for the evening commute.

      1. oh and FWIW I’m team DST all year. I don’t mind getting up when it’s dark since it’s never that bright mid-winter anyway. But I’m much more likely to be active and productive after work if I’m not scuttling home in the dark after a 4:45 sunset!

        2. For me it’s a safety issue. Deer are abundant here, and being almost permanently stuck commuting when they’re most likely to leap in front of my car is harrowing. (Defensive driving isn’t enough–one of the stup1d ba$tards dove headfirst into the rear passenger door of my sedan. My adjuster laughed and said he actually hears a lot of “deer hit me” versus “I hit deer” claims.)

          1. Totally happened to me. The deer hit me! I didn’t hit the deer. Made me late for school, too. Headmaster Charleston wasn’t amused either.

          2. We have a lot of deer around my home, but they’re just as bad at dusk as at dawn from what I’ve observed.

      2. If you hate “springing forward and falling back,” email your House representatives and ask them to take up the bill that was just passed in the Senate to eliminate DST!

      3. yes, i saw they’ve been discussing this. though sleep experts seem to think that standard time all year is a better choice. where i live elementary schools start at 7:30am, so idk if the daylight savings option would be my first choice. also- doesn’t the senate have anything more important to discuss right now?

    6. Same here. I have blown off every morning workout this week because I just cannot. I am loving the light in the evenings, though!

    7. I don’t really care which one gets picked, I just want the switching itself to be over. Darkness sucks in general, doesn’t much matter to me whether mornings or evenings are permanently crappy.

  2. Any non-lawyer books or videos on parental alienation you’d recommend? My girlfriend has 40% custody of an elementary school age child with her ex. Ex moved unannounced last fall, and now we’re a flight away from kiddo. This means gf/we has only see kiddo once a month. Gf is now talking about parental alienation. I think I “get” it but I don’t get how parents try to fix it. (I don’t expect to fix things myself, I want to be a good partner)

    1. this doesnt make sense. most custody arrangements require lawyers/court involvement to be modified for someone to move a flight away. usually people can’t just move unannounced.

    3. I’d echo the lawyer up comments. This isn’t how custody arrangements work.

      WRT parental alienation, I’m bristling a bit because I had seen it used I family law contexts, albeit more than a decade ago, to argue a parent who had primary custody should lose It because their child had exhibited fear of the non primary parent or otherwise expressed that they didn’t want to spend time with them. This seemed like a dangerous legal concept to me. I am not this kind of lawyer, but what you’re describing seems more like breaking a custody agreement than parental alienation.

      1. Yeah, isn’t parental alienation syndrome largely made up by non-custodial dads who want revenge on the moms?

        1. That’s my impression. I wonder if there’s also sometimes a reverse phenomenon where non-custodial dads manage to convince their kids that parental alienation was happening, when in reality the kids were successfully sheltered from knowing the worst of things (like, stuff you wouldn’t tell any child if you could avoid it).

    4. I am so sorry this is happening, it sounds terrible.
      Agree with others- lawyer up. Document everything and expect this to be a marathon.
      In the meantime here are some books to read: anything by Amy J.L. Baker, but in particular ‘adult children of parental alienation syndrome’. Amazon has an entire section of books dealing with parental alienation. ‘Divorce Poison’ is another good book. Your library, hoopla or Libby app may have some of these titles as well for free.

    5. It’s been 6 months and your GF hasn’t challenged this in court? She’s complaining that the ex is unfair and turning her child against her but she’s not taking any action and apparently isn’t going to take any action? Girl run. This whole situation is fishy and you are 100% not getting the full story.

    6. Ugh, I’m sorry this is happening. Definitely speak with a family law attorney. She can’t move unannounced and take the child with her. That’s not how custody works.

      The concept of parental alienation makes me nervous…I see a lot of “men’s rights” activists use it. It also reminds me of when my parents finally divorced after years of DV, and the Court made me have visitation with my father in a public place weekly until he moved across country (mercifully within a couple months). I was 15 and didn’t want to be around him after years of seeing him hit my mom. His attorney argued that my mom brainwashed me against him, but he did that himself. I was scared of him. I didn’t see him again for over 20 years.

      1. Visitation is the right of the child, not the parent. Can’t the child refuse visitation, especially a teen?

      2. If the custody allows the partner to move that may be the case. I knew someone whose husband felt bad about divorcing and basically gave her whatever she asked. He was shocked when she later moved several states away and he suddenly only had some summer visits. He didn’t expect her to actually do it.

  3. Very cute top, not my style but like a casual version of “Sunday best” for Easter. I hope half sleeves are coming back! I really hate when everything is cap sleeves and my pits hang out.

  4. Recommendations for a home-office desk and chair? Budget is about… $1000 for both, maybe? Not sure what’s reasonable. Hoping for something low-profile enough to go in a smallish space. TIA!

    1. I love my Ikea desk– sturdy, inexpensive and customizable. I have the Alex drawer unit on one side, two legs on the other and a smallish table surface. I also love that if I want a longer desk I can just swap out the desktop for a different one.

    2. I couldn’t find anything that was the small enough and had the storage I want, so I’m designing my own out of Kallax shelves laid sideways on top of the matching underframe.

    3. I am also in the market but really want a keyboard tray – no way am I going back to spending all my WFH hunched over my tiny laptop keyboard. Anyone aware of a good one that works on Ikea desks?

    4. I bought a cheap-cheap flat-fold console table (spent a ton of time checking measurements and taping them out in the place I intended it to live to make sure it would fit). This cost something like $89 with free shipping from the clearance selection at Wayfair or Walmart or something. Then I spent $900 on a used Herman Miller Embody chair (in excellent condition) from a local office furniture store. The desk is ugly as can be but does its job just fine, and the chair is amazing and worth every penny. Ergonomics were far more important to me, so I am glad I spent my budget on the chair.

  5. Love L.K. Bennett knits, they are old school good quality. I have a shacket from them that has a much nicer fit than my Talbots shacket attempt.

  6. For those of you who clovered your lawns, any advice for watering, etc once you have the seed out? I gave given up in growing actual grass and understand that clover is more forgiving and less finicky re variable rain, but mine came with no instructions. Micro-clover if it matters. The seeds are so tiny! Do I need to put straw down like people do for grass? Our grass seed never grew, straw or no straw.

    1. I’m not sure if we’re talking about the same kind of clover – the kind we put down at our country house is just an annual that puts up purple or white flowers that farmers often use for livestock grazing – but we didn’t do a thing and it came up on its own. Since the kind we used only lives for a couple months, it wouldn’t make sense in a residential lawn context so my advice might be irrelevant.

      1. Clover only blooms for a short period of time, but it’s green at the same time grass is (at least it is here in the Chicago area).

    2. Good for you! Lawns are an environmental abomination. I clovered the lawn at our old house. I did an aggressive rake of the existing lawn and soil surface, put down seeds (I put them in a collander and kiddo and I shook it out), and then did it again a month or two later. It was super lush and way more environmentally friendly. I live in Scotland though so watering wasn’t a concern. A mix of clover and wildflower meadow seed might be nice as well.
      Our current lawn has STRIPES so my husband won’t let me tough it.

    3. I did this. I used about 3 different kinds of clover that bloom at different times of year and about 10x more seed than I thought I needed. It’s at our vacation house and we just let the rain take care of it in winter, sprinklers in summer. It’s super low maintenance and easy. 10 out of 10 recommend.

      1. … I had never heard about this but I just googled and am tempted. I hate mowing.

        1. It’s worked great for us, too because our lawn is in a really shady area and grass never took well. The clover has a life of its own, and is green and pretty.

  7. Any reccs for resources for learning to write, specifically romance? I’m not much of an author, but I think I might be interested in trying my hand at the type of romance novel I’d like to read. I know #1 is “write,” but I’d like to know advice about character profiles, outlining plot points, etc.

    On that note, romance reccs also welcomed!

    1. Listen to the AmWriting podcast, one of the co-hosts is a romance writer and they have great writing book recommendations.

    2. I’ve written a couple romance novels and other various fiction.

      Romancing the Beat is the quintessential outlining book for romance authors. It’s expensive for what it is, but really lays out the plot of a typical romance novel.

      The Emotional Craft of Fiction is my favorite book on writing. I’ve found it immensely helpful for making my scenes have more emotional pull. Definitely do the exercises they recommend.

      Other books on writing I’ve found helpful:
      Story Genius – the parts on a character’s internal motivation were huge for me. Basically, the first half is great, the second half not so much.

      The Science of Story – more on character development. Really liked this but it was too long.

      Podcasts:
      The Creative Penn – interviews with lots of different authors, mostly self-published and genre authors.
      The Self Publishing Show – interviews with authors more focused on the business/marketing side of self-publishing

    3. Do you like historical or contemporary? Spice level you’d be comfortable with writing?

      I’ve always read to get 10 books in your genre and dissect them to figure out the plot/outline/rhythm to the book.

      2. Some recommendations in tropes:
        rock band – Managed, by Callihan
        set up in a will – Xeni, by Rebekah Weatherspoon
        mafia – Run Posy Run (Wells) and The Master (Cole)
        Paranormal – Immortals After Dark, Kresley Cole
        Fantasy – Neon Gods, Katee Roberts (hers are very spicy)

        IMHO I only like weird tropes for contemporary, I get annoyed at “modern girl with normal job and wishy washy feelings for unclear or stupid reasons.” Especially fake dating. (The Worst Guy was excellent if this is your thing.)

    4. On a recommendation here, I took Gotham Writers Workshop (not for Romance specifically) and thought it was really good and helpful, though I do think a lot depends on the instructor you get. I particularly liked Creative Writing and Fiction I.

      1. I love their classes! I just finished one up last night (one of the novel classes). Lots of options, from Zoom to online only to in-person if you live in NYC. I almost always have a class going because it helps me stay on track with deadlines, and writing is my main hobby, so I feel ok spending money on it. I have taken a lot of classes there but recommend starting with Creative Writing 101 if you’re starting from zero or Fiction I if you’ve got a bit of a routine already.

        There are some really good YouTube channels about writing in general that you might like. Shaelin Writes, Reedsy, and Alexa Donne are some of my favorites. I’m sure there are some romance channels, too, but I haven’t sought those out. Brandon Sanderson writes sci fi, but he actually records his creative writing class that he teaches at BYU and puts it on YouTube. It is geared toward sci fi writers, but a lot of the world building concepts are similar for historical romance, and character and plotting will be similar across genres. I don’t write sci fi either, but some of his content has been helpful and inspirational.

        1. Oh! And there’s an excellent podcast called The Sh*T No One Tells You About Writing that had an episode about romance writing a couple of weeks ago.

    6. Listen to the Fated Mates podcast. One of the hosts (Sarah MacLean) is a romance writer and the other host, Jennifer Prokop (sp?) is a romance editor, and they do a lot great deep dives into tropes and structure. It’s entertaining and I’ve also learned a lot about writing from it.

  8. I am sure this is the right place to ask this question! Anyone else felt a strange sense of untetheredness after accomplishing a big goal?

    I’ve been working towards some big goals for awhile–get a PhD, run a marathon. PhD dissertation just needs a final spell-check and it’s done; marathon is next week. So, I’m in the home stretch of the home stretch. I’m proud of myself, but at the same time feeling a strange sense of rootlessness.

    Any theories about what causes this feeling? If you’ve felt it, how long did it last for you?

    I’m not upset or suffering or anything, just surprised and curious at feeling a way I didn’t expect to feel.

    1. Everyone is different, but for me, my physical response to the marathon distance every time I’ve done it produces a mood bottom-out in the days afterward that’s as intense as any depression I’ve ever felt, and is the main reason why I’m hesitant to train for the distance again. I only say this so you can BOLO if things get really dark for and to see your doctor if it doesn’t life perk up afterwards pretty quickly.

      1. did it just last a few days? Did it go away on its own? DH wants to do his first marathon this year…

        1. For me it was a couple of weeks, kinda the edge of “Should I see my doctor about this?”, but it lifted before I ever did. Physically I was fine in a couple of days. My n=1 shouldn’t be a reason for him not to race the distance if it’s something he wants to do.

    2. Absolutely. I think achieving any long-term, demanding goal can leave you feeling directionless once it’s achieved. To the extent that it’s tempting to just dive right in to the next goal without thinking it through adequately (as in someone who, say, finishes one academic program and then immediately goes into another for fear of the alternative).

      In the immediate term, I also feel some kind of crash of adrenaline after finishing something I prepared for a long time. It can feel like a funk even if the event itself went great and I’m proud of the achievement.

      What helps me is to expect this, recognize when it’s happening, and not to rush in to anything new just for its own sake. Let yourself celebrate and rest.

      1. +1, I felt this way after taking my last final every semester, though on a smaller scale. Like – wait, what, I don’t have something I immediately need to do besides… go home?

      2. That’s so interesting. One of my friends entered one of those bikini contests that are sort of about bodybuilding/fitness (they follow a really strict workout regimen, eat next to nothing to get their body fat really low, then do a really dark spray tan and pose in a bikini and stripper heels? I forgot what these contests are called)

        She did really well, came in second which was better than she hoped, then went into big slump right after. It lasted so long she ended up going on antidepressants and I think she’s still on them, years later.

    3. I had this after completing my actuarial exams. I wanted to move on to the CFA, which wouldn’t have advanced my career at that time at all, just because I didn’t know what to do with myself when I wasn’t studying. My husband talked me out of it and I’m glad he did.

    4. You’re amazing, a PhD and a marathon! I think it’s hard when working on big projects to regroup. Is there a little project you can get started on? Maybe unrelated to avcademia and running. Something to help you to engage with your community a bit more?

    5. I think this is common! I often feel the same way after my busy season at work is over. It revolves around a big, time-consuming project, and I always feel at loose ends when it’s over (as well as relieved). I felt this way after running a half-marathon. I felt that way after planning a wedding. In college, I felt this way after finals were over. Anytime you invest that much time and mental focus into something, there can be a letdown period afterward. Congrats on the marathon and PhD; those are huge accomplishments! I would not fret about feeling rootless. Lean into it, rest up, and celebrate.

    6. Oh yeah I think is normal. You’ve been absorbed in and focused on getting something done for so long, and while you’re happy to have achieved it, you don’t have something to focus on like that now.

    7. Yes – I definitely felt like this after I finished my Ph.D. and after finishing a big goal. I’m reading Burnout right now and it’s helpful for making sense of how to cope with chronic stress and earning a Ph.D. is certainly stressful.

    8. This is absolutely normal, and I’ve come to expect it. What causes it? Just the utterly normal fact that you’ve had a Project that has consumed your thoughts and goals and time for X years, and now you don’t have that anymore. So where do you put your thoughts and goals and time now? That sense of not knowing where to put that is what you’re feeling. It’s normal. I’ve seen people experience it after finally arriving at the job they’ve always wanted, after their wedding is finally accomplished and all the planning is over, after they finish their book, etc. etc. etc.

      My biggest piece of advice: don’t rush to fill the space. It sounds like you haven’t had a time like this for a long while (maybe ever), and there are aspects of who you are and what you care about that you can only discover in the discomfort of being “untethered.”

    9. Definitely been there! On the day I finished a 9 month long Big Project, it seemed so weird that to the world, it was just another day. The next few days felt so empty. Try to find something fun to feel the time. Maybe catching up with friends you haven’t seen due to your projects? Congrats on finishing your dissertation! That’s huge.

  9. Does anyone have a recommendation for a favorite app that tracks pulse and temperature? Android preferred but I could make iOs work. Thanks!

    1. Is this for fertility purposes or just watching your pulse? I thought the newer Apple watches do track the pulse…
      https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT204666

      My period tracker (Clue) does not but other ones might, in a “once you input the temperature it tracks it” kind of way.

      1. Thanks! I want to manually input it, not looking to buy new devices.

  10. I have Asian parents who criticize everything I do: from my choice of romantic partner to my career to my appearance. Big or small, they have opinions and aren’t afraid to express them. And, from their perspective, they have more life experience, and I should be soliciting their opinions on everything.

    Rationally, I know I should shrug this off: I’m a 40-something with a successful career, happily married with kids, don’t depend on them for financial resources or otherwise. On the other hand, it still hurts when they criticize my life decisions. How do I stop seeking validation from them?

    1. Not Asian, but I’m your age and also have parents with very particular ideas about what I should be doing. I just gradually ran out of f*cks to give due to sheer exhaustion with their behavior. I realized over time that my mindset grew more and more exasperated with their ridiculousness and how out of touch they were (like with current professional norms) and it colored my views enough for me to say to myself “Wait, this is unrealistic and illogical, and I don’t have to subscribe to it.”

      Putting them on an information diet is a great idea. I work with intellectual property (in tech, not in law) and so two job switches ago, I got very close-mouthed about work details, blaming it on the proprietary nature of the company. They seemed to accept that, so I’ve continued it even in my next job. Now it seems normal to them that I “can’t” say much about my work, but they don’t mind because it’s boring secrets (engineering design) rather than exciting secrets (government stuff).

    2. I’m from an Asian background so I can relate. Thankfully my parents have mellowed out through the years. One option is therapy. I’m 45 and my attitude now is just to not GAF about what other people think. It takes too much effort. I know that’s easier said that done, so maybe a therapist can help with specific steps about how to do that.

      Another is to establish boundaries and don’t overshare or just straight up lie about things. I know lying seems like a weird suggestion, but I know a lot of Asian and Indian kids growing up in the US lie to their parents about a lot of things.

      1. Can confirm, lying to parents is the way to go. I realized when my dad gave me the silent treatment over announcing my engagement (to a wonderful successful man, Dad was just pissed that someone would come in between his controlling me) that he was impossible to please, and I didn’t owe him honesty. I’ve been regularly saying what Dad wants to hear for decades, and it makes my life much easier.

      2. I also endorse lying and lying by omission. I was just talking about this with a friend. We’re both of Asian descent and were chuckling about how friends from other cultural backgrounds are baffled by this approach but it has improved our lives and relationships with our parents so much. Sometimes it has seemed like my mom has played a supporting role, a kind of “don’t ask don’t tell” with lifestyle choices she wouldn’t approve of, for example turning a blind eye to moving in with a boyfriend, accepting my flimsy cover story about it.

      1. Totally. Although, here, the particular judgment centers around the fact that we are buying a house, which would be difficult to hide.

    4. I’ve been extricating myself from a similar dynamic and my spouse has been a huge help. A) He is impervious to their opinions. B) He cut off contact with his extraordinarily toxic family decades ago and bases nothing on the idea of family loyalty and doesn’t expect me to, either. C) I can tell him what’s making me feel bad and he’ll put it in stark terms that show me I risk giving too much power to people who aren’t living my life. It’s been very helpful to repeat the thing they said or implied that really stung and have it repeated back to me with a brief diagnosis, e.g. “That’s not their decision.” Over time I’ve gotten better at making that diagnosis myself and putting up boundaries that keep it from ruining my day or causing me to second guess myself. He loves me, is creating this life with me, and can see things in a way I can’t because he’s not bringing 40 years of baggage to it. So that might be a place to start. (Oh! And a therapist has been useful at times to unpack this.)

      1. Different anon here but OP – this is useful advice if your spouse is willing to back you up and give you validation. From my own observations in my Asian friend group (and I’m Asian myself), when one half of a couple isn’t Asian and hasn’t grown up with all the cultural baggage of familial obligations and “respecting your elders”, it’s a lot easier to have a stance, hold it, and have your spouse back you up. When both halves of a couple are Asian, there’s a lot more understanding about where the cultural baggage is coming from, but a lot harder to extricate oneself from it.

    5. Everyone’s going to say therapy – and to some degree it works, but I will say with anecdata from my friend group, it helps a lot more if you find a therapist that has a similar cultural background to yours.

      Alternatively, move across the globe, literally, and keep the parents on an information diet (which is what I have done).

      1. My strategies for the information/contact diet. (1) I only call parents while I am driving so there is a set end point to the conversation (or at least I can claim to have arrived at the store). Parents are much more digestible in 10-15 minute increments. (2) I live three hours away and refuse to entertain any offers to move back to the more desirable city they live in. (3) Sister takes a text only approach with them .

    6. Something helpful from my therapist: you can’t live someone else’s journey. Your parents are perhaps on a journey of learning how to relate to their successful adult daughter—a daughter that, maybe, they never expected to have. You can’t live that journey for them. You can only live your own journey. Right now that’s buying a lovely and comfortable home for your family. This lesson from my therapist really helped me feel less upset and reactive about certain reactions of others that I can’t control.

    7. My family is Latin American, not Asian, but I’ve had success with asking not to talk about certain subjects, changing the subject/just not talking about certain things, and my sister running interference when it’s really important (like not saying crap to my gender nonconforming kiddo).

      It helps that I live far away and clearly don’t need anything from them. Downside is that it’s not a close relationship.

    8. Asian daughter here. I totally hear you- it’s like water torture, the constant drip of my parents’ negativity sometimes. I just stopped caring, and learned to say, “Okay, thanks. I think I’m doing okay.” whenever they would criticize something. And then I listen selectively and ignore a lot. I try to remind myself that it comes from a place of love and concern rather than of mean spiritedness. Their ideas aren’t “better” just “different”. (It doesn’t help that I have a lot of cousins who did what they were supposed to (Ivy League graduate, doctor or lawyer with 2+ kids and large house) while I didn’t so there is a lot of comparisons there.)

      1. If you have any suggestions on learning how to stop caring, that would be appreciated!

  11. What are the ethics of buying fur at estate sales? I’ve always thought the only acceptable fur is inherited fur, but this is kind of like that. There are some fur shawls on auction for $15 currently.

    2. I watched a documentary on Shirly Chisholm recently and she could wear a fur. And pearls. People dressed so much better back then.

      If faux furs where styled better, I’d get one. But if I can find a good vintage one, I’d get it. Those minks (or whatever) should not have died in vain.

    3. On the one hand, it’s dead anyway why not make use of it so it didn’t die in vain so to speak. On the other hand, society has made it unacceptable to wear it anywhere so what would you do with it?

    4. I would go for it. I think it’s worse if they suffered and died for no reason at all; the worst outcome to me is if those furs end up in a landfill.

    5. It’s totally okay IMO, I’ve been a vegan for over half my life and don’t find second hand animal products objectionable. The harm is done and it’s way more environmentally friendly to use old fur than make new synthetic fur.

    6. I don’t think it’s unethical but struggle with actually wearing them. (I inherited some stoles but never feel comfortable actually wearing them around the city – I don’t want strangers thinking I’m the kind of person who buys fur.)

        1. I’m a big fan of faux furs that are clearly faux (fun colors or the like) for this reason! Highly recommend!

      2. I’m the OP and this is why I hesitate also — but I feel like cold-weather outdoor dining is staying so I’m considering. Not to wear with friends but my husband on the occasional date night.

        1. this is exactly when I considered and then dismissed wearing my stoles, lol. Ultimately I decided that truly cold weather means takeout when being Covid cautious (or just dining indoors when not concerned) – because if it’s cold enough I need fur to stay comfortable, there’s no way the food on my plate stays hot long enough to actually enjoy it!

        2. Ethically, it is fine as that animal has been dead a long time. As someone who owns and wears fur, my experience is most socially acceptable in 30F (e.g., SEUS who thinks they will die in that tem[) and -30C (e.g., when proper winter hits and the only priority is not getting frostbite). In between that, it really is a know your area kind of thing. I’ve only worn fur in the proper winter situation, and having transplanted to the South, have never got any push back as most people don’t have any issue with a cowhide rug or mounts on the wall.

          1. You don’t speak for everyone’s ethics. (Quite a number of people view creating demand as not ethical as mentioned above. I wouldn’t buy a tiger rug just because it’s already dead…)

      3. Same, and unless you live in a really frigid place where fur makes practical sense, it seems fusty and dated.

    7. I personally wouldn’t do this. The theory I subscribe to is that buying vintage fur (or ivory or whatever) perpetuates the market for new fur because it still makes the items seem fashionable, beautiful, and desirable.

      I’m not a vegan, but that’s just my line personally. If I think the product is unethical, then I don’t buy a vintage version (or a fake that is so good it looks real).

      1. +1. YMMV, but I detest furs and it would definitely affect my judgment of someone if I saw them wearing one for fashion purposes (unless it was obviously fake). I can appreciate the luxuriousness of fur but the massive cruelty involved (often surpassing cruelty involved even in meat or dairy production) is such a turnoff.

    8. I personally don’t see any issue with buying used fur. They used to be very popular so the alternative is that they collect dust, which would be a shame considering how they were made. However, if you plan to wear it out, there’s no guarantee how people will react to it. Thinking about it though…most would probably assume it’s faux!

      1. I assume any time I see someone in big, luxurious-looking fur that it is fake. Same thing when I see a big ol’ honking (like over 3 carat) diamond on someone – I just assume it’s fake. But I don’t travel in the kinds of circles where people will spend five figures on a coat or piece of jewelry. People will spend that kind of money going scuba diving in the Maldives, but not on material stuff.

      2. I have a vintage fox stole that someone else bought and I inherited. I don’t wear it a ton but it’s warm. It lies on top of my plain wool coat collar and makes it look like a fur-collared coat. I rarely wear it but I did wear it out to dinner once and a woman at the next table was just shooting daggers at me the whole time. At first I was uncomfortable but then I just stared back and petted my stole. She left!

        1. I have a vintage mink stole that I was given by a family friend – it belonged to her mother and has to be 60+ years old. I haven’t really worn it, but I want to. I might pull it out next winter, should have thought of using it during this winter of outdoor dining.

          It does have a head and feet, though, so there are some friends I probably wouldn’t wear it around. But I will say, I feel really honored that friend would choose me to receive this thing – I know her mother wasn’t wealthy and that stole probably represented a significant investment.

    9. I don’t find it unethical as many times these items will be trashed if unsold. I bought a gorgeous green coat at a thrift with a mink collar but I just could never bring myself to wear it, though I have no ethical obligations against it.

    10. If I didn’t live in Florida, estate sale fur would probably take up a good chunk of closet space. As it is, I probably have as many long wool coats as I have days to wear them. You can’t beat the construction and quality of 50 – 60 year old outwear.

    11. My take is that ethically you’re fine, but that you’ll get the stink eye unless you live somewhere where fur is part of your cultural heritage like some arctic indigenous people or you live somewhere it really is that cold.

      I do live somewhere fur level cold, and would be uncomfortable with fur like mink, fox or wolf, but very comfortable with shearling sheep skin clothes.

  12. Looking for recommendations for brands that have smaller-sized watches. All the pictures I look at for women’s watches show a huge face. I want something discreet that doesn’t scream “look at my watch!”

    1. I haven’t worn a real watch in a while, but I have very, very small wrists and Skagen watches were some of the few that looked proportionate on me.

      1. +1. I love my Skagen Anita watch. It’s perfect for my small wrists. I love the look of delicate wristwatches.

      1. I have a medium-ish citizen watch that was a gift and I kind of wish it was bigger — they definitely have smaller ones and I love my watch!

  13. What are your go-to handbags these days? I feel like nothing I own is current, and either too casual or too dressy for my typical weekend outfits. The Y2k trend is also really confusing to me, Gen Z seems to be using the purses I wore in middle school and I cannot get it through my brain that these little coach purses are stylish again.

      3. I own this bag and love that (at least in black), one has a choice of hardware. I don’t like gold toned hardware, so I really appreciate the silver option.

    2. I carry a plain cognac leather tote. It’s pre-owned J.Crew from Poshmark. Fits everything, including my laptop when needed.

    3. Plain leather crossbody, or the Lulu belt bag worn as a crossbody, when I need more than can fit in my pockets.

      I’d say at least half the time I still go “pockets only” for errands though. Phone, credit card, keys. It’s very liberating.

      1. Yep, same here, phone, with card slot on the case, keys. Especially in winter when I’ve got a coat.

    4. Someone on here recommended Portland Leather and I bought this:

      https://www.portlandleathergoods.com/products/mini-crossbody-tote

      I pretty much only carry this now unless it’s a day where in need my Cuyana tote to carry a bunch of stuff.

      It’s a good, sturdy bag. I would appreciate one inside pocket, which it doesn’t have, but I’m not carrying much in it so it’s not hard to find my stuff. I always forget there’s an outside pocket so I need to remember to use that for my cell phone.

      I carry : long zip-around wallet, glasses case, cell phone, one or two masks, lip balm, lipstick, a mirror compact, tissue, keys. It fits all that easily, with room to stick in a few more things on top.

    5. I’ve been carrying a small crossbody Chloe that I got secondhand and I get a ton of compliments.

    6. I use the Polene Beri and love it. You can use it as a crossbody or a shoulder bag.

    7. Not technically a handbag, but a Kate Spade backpack like the Lizzie or Leila. Fits more than my Cuyana and Lo & Sons crossbody bags, keeps both hands and sides free, generally matches any outfit, and seems a bit more on trend. I don’t have kids, but I can see it being very convenient for those who do!

  14. Any tips on how to introduce myself to a partner in a different practice area? I started working at this firm a year ago, but was remote for the first nine months. When we went into the office in October, it felt akward to go around introducing myself to everyone (a mistake, I know).
    Eventually I met everybody at happy hours, christmas partys and by hanging at the water cooler and I think I’m well liked, but there is one partner who travels a lot and keeps to himself who I’ve never spoken to.
    I heard he was offended no one in my class introduced themselves to him and I want to correct that, but don’t know how. Do I just akwardly drop by his office and say who am I? He does M&A and I’m in real estate and only worked on one matter for him, but all communications went through my boss.
    Am I overthinking this? Should I just ignore it because no partner actually cares? I’m at a small sattelite office at Big Law firm.

    1. I’d drop by his admin’s desk, ask if there’s a good window you could pop in and say hello, and then address the awkward (note the spelling only bc you spelled it without the w twice) straight on… “I think we’ve only met by email, I’m X and enjoyed working on Y matter awhile back. Have been meaning to say hello in person and finally made it a point to stop by!”

    2. I’d say let him deal with his own butthurtness and if he were truly that upset he could introduce himself. But I know lots of normal dynamics are different in big law.

    3. I’m not sure you should go out of your way to make yourself visible to someone who gets so offended that new associates don’t kiss the ring that there are rumors circulating about it. This type of person would be miserable to work for, and partners tend to assign work to attorneys they know. You don’t have to fall on this grenade; what do you stand to gain from it? Either this person really is the type to take offense easily, in which case you’re putting yourself in the line of fire, or the rumor is false, in which case your extra effort to meet them will seem odd (esp since they are in a different practice area).

      If this was someone you genuinely wanted to work with or develop a relationship with, I’d say go for it, but if the sole purpose of the introduction is to smooth over any hurt feelings, abort mission.

  15. Thanks everyone for recommending Love is Blind. Husband and I just got to the end of Season 2 except for the reunion and wow!

    It’s certainly not highbrow watching but my husband paused the show to talk about our relationship (married 20+ years) from time to time so it was like trashy TV marriage therapy. Without any spoilers we were both on the teams of the two contestants interviewed in the LA Times so we really liked the outcome!!

    Is it worth looping back for Season 1?

    1. Yes! Season 1 was better in my opinion…mainly because it was so new. It’s an easy watch so can’t hurt to watch it!

    2. They could make fifty seasons of that show and I could never get enough.

      My husband and I had the same experience you and your husband did watching it together – he was fascinated by what they chose to talk about in the pods (which I know we only get snippets of). Like, we did not see anyone talk about money, which is the thing in our marriage we have really had to get on the same page about (I am super-conservative about saving and he is looser with it, but at the same time, he can get uptight about big purchases we absolutely need to make, like buying a new car when the other one conks out, or getting a new couch when the current one is completely busted). We would pause the show and talk about how we would have handled a situation differently or the questions we would have asked. I really don’t understand how anyone could contemplate a serious commitment with someone (even if it is fakey-fake for a TV show) without talking about money, but my husband didn’t see it as big of an issue.

      The most amazing thing to me about the show is that it works for anyone – like that anyone on the show gets married and stays married. Given what they know about each other at the time of the weddings, how it works for some couples is amazing to me.

      1. The money conversation where the one couple (trying to do no spoilers) disagreed about 401k’s drove me nuts!!!

        Now that I’ve watched the whole thing I’m checking out certain contestants’ social median and …. Wow.

  16. I’m on the board of my child’s small nonprofit daycare center. The last two years have been difficult, trying to deal with keeping the center afloat, the staff happy, and everyone from getting sick. However, the last two months have been hellish. Parents are angry with all the interruptions in care and the quarantines, staff are burned out and overworked because we can’t find anyone to hire, board members are all working overtime trying to interpret ever-changing public health policies and update policies for our center. Meanwhile, we’ve received some grants that allowed us to give staff hefty holiday bonuses and reimburse families for tuition whenever their classroom closes due to an exposure. We’ve been doing the best we can and we have knocked it out of the park in so many ways. Enter our ED, who in the last month or so has become increasingly negative toward the board. She’s made negative comments to me individually about the board and also directly to the board, mostly about how it takes “too long” for us to make decisions about these policies. At last night’s meeting she told us that the staff aren’t feeling “heard” in our policy development, like we don’t care about them and their families. I pushed back pretty hard, thinking that it’s her job to explain where these policies come from (public health and early learning guidance, which recently relaxed) and that the board considers and includes staff in almost every conversation we’ve had on this topic. She doubled down and nobody spoke up to agree with me. Our Board President is really MIA and left the meeting halfway through due to “internet issues,” and I’m not sure other board members have the same perspective as I do anyway. I guess I want to know: AITA? What responsibility do we as a board have to appeasing the staff? How do we/I deal with feeling like this is becoming such a negative experience? I searched Ask a Manager and couldn’t find anything. Thanks in advance!

    1. I’m very confused why it’s up to the board, and not the director, to interpret local public health guidelines.

      1. That’s a fair question – the director asked that we create the policies related to Covid, and other daycares in our area have a similar governance structure when it comes to this. It started small, since we didn’t need to create many policies except how long children should be out with symptoms and how long they should quarantine after traveling out of state. It’s become clear to me that this is a difficult arrangement for everyone but it’s kind of too late to stop with this structure now. We have several public health professionals on the board who have been helpful in an advisory capacity, and I think it reduces the stress on a director to allow the decisions to be voted on by the board.

        1. But you can change course! And you should ask the director directly what would reduce stress for her now. Situations change and she may be in a different place.

    2. It doesn’t sound like your ED is exhibiting leadership. One of the responsibilities of the board is to make sure the org has the right leadership in place, so I’d ask for a closed session of the board (sans ED) to discuss this, and if you all have the same issues, formally counsel the ED and start looking for a replacement. She sounds one foot out the door anyway.

    3. I’ve worked at nonprofits for most of my career, but in roles with minimal board interaction. Nonprofits vary a lot in how involved the board is at a day to day level; at everywhere I have worked, the board is mostly involved with fundraising and the ED runs the show, although the board is an important sounding board for strategic decisions and can push the ED in certain ways, e.g. telling them they need to address x, anticipating problems, etc. Your board sounds much more involved than many though. My first impression is that I think you should be more focused on solving the problem than assigning blame – particularly since the organization is having such a hard time retaining staff, keeping them happy should be a high priority for you unless you think they are really terrible. This includes keeping the ED happy – if she leaves, you are going to be screwed, no? And honestly it would make sense for line staff to be formally consulted about how the impact of individual policies will play out in the classroom – you really can’t foresee that in your role. Is the ED indirectly trying to tell you the policies need work? Can you empower her to make more decisions herself to make things faster? Or can can she make recommendations and then just run them by you? Does she need more staff support so she has time to do this on her own? (Maybe she asked the board to do it not because she felt unqualified but short staffed). It sounds like the Board Chair needs to have a sit down with her to try to figure out what is going on, come to some mutual agreement about what the Board’s role should be, and make a plan.

      1. This makes sense to me. It also stood out to me that nobody on the board joined you in pushing back on the ED, and the board president didn’t even stay in the meeting. What’s going on on the rest of the board?

        Agree that staff’s concerns probably do need to take priority if you’re unable to hire anyone else and they’re unhappy.

        1. Thanks – good questions and points. I did talk to another board member today who didn’t speak up because she thought my questions were sufficient, but sees the same issues I’m seeing. That helped me feel validated – but I agree with everyone’s points that blaming people is not going to help anyone deal with this, and we should really be looking at the pain points and figuring out a path forward.

      2. PS – I’m not saying the ED handled this well, just that if you want to retain her, your approach isn’t going to solve anything. My son’s co-op preschool has had a lot of problems because the new head teacher, while great with kids, is not great with parents, and the parents are the board. She doesn’t know how to manage up. No one is trying to remove her because she’s good at the core functions of the job and it doesn’t seem worth it right now.

    4. I’m on a similar board, but without the acrimony. First, thank you for your work and tons of empathy–excellent, small nonprofit daycares couldn’t function without the work of volunteer board members. If your director is otherwise good, I would approach this as a sign that something isn’t working and the board now has an opportunity to re-evaluate how things are done.

      It works best if the board chair and director are in regular conversation about process improvements. It’s really normal to have processes evolve as needs/abilities change. Early on, boards really had to jump in to support a lot on Covid–now, as the general approach in society is changing is a good time to establish new processes.

      If you can, ask the board chair to talk with the director about what kind of process would be better at this stage. This kind of frustration coming out at a board meeting suggests to me that the director and board chair have not been meeting enough prior to board meetings. The director’s comments are not your fault and it really stinks this wasn’t handled pre-meeting.

      Absent that, ask the director about what she’d like to see. Delegation to a committee with board members, the director, and a staff member that has authority to make policies without having to go to the full board? Delegation to the director for these kinds of policies, but with a board member or two on call for guidance? Think about the pain points, what’s really important for the full board to have input on, and what can be delegated.

      Best wishes for finding a good balance for delegation! Hopefully getting the board out of the weeds of decisions will lighten the load and allow you to focus on the higher level strategy and oversight work, and improve the relationship with staff. Hang in there!

      1. Thank you so very much for this warm response, it is so helpful. I am working on framing this positively and productively – you have great ideas.

  18. How long does it take to adjust to a new job? I started a new job a month and a half ago and it’s feeling like a bad fit. I don’t like the work the way I thought I would, I feel incompetent, and there are issues with the company that I learned only after starting. I keep telling myself to give it time, but how much is normal? Instead of feeling excited about this new thing, I feel like I’m already checked out. I’m not a job hopper or an impulsive person by any stretch of the imagination, so this is weird for me.

    1. Usually when you know, you know! I’d give it 6 months then start to job search. As long as you don’t have a ton of short stints on your resume and this is early a one off, you’ll be fine.

      1. I probably wouldn’t even wait that long. If the company has issues you couldn’t suss out from the outside, that is a perfectly good reason to move, and you can show that you are decisive.

  19. Thanks to whoever recommended The Tourist on Netflix! Finished Episode 4 last night and our minds are blown. Can’t imagine how they are gonna wrap this thing up!

    1. Um.
      Temper your expectations.
      I loved, loved, loved the show but the ending had me yelling at the TV.

    2. That was me, glad you’re enjoying it! I agree that it’s hard to end, so I was ultimately okay with the ending- I can’t think of a different ending I would have preferred.

  20. Stanley Tucci’s Searching for Italy has finally made it to TV here in the U.K. (it’s all on BBC iPlayer) – it’s absolutely gorgeous and really worth watching. I highly recommend it!

    2. That was the most gorgeous show. There’s another season in the can and I’m waiting for it to air.

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