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Party guest
Would love some last minute reminders/tips for a retirement dinner I’m going to this evening. I worked with the guest of honor on a couple of client accounts for the past several years, which is why I am invited, but most of her work was supporting the C-suite at my F500 company, so all but two guests at dinner this evening are mainly that crowd. I am very happy to be included but now I’m freaking out a bit!
I think I have my attire set, and this is a restaurant that is very close to my house so I’ll feel comfortable in the location. My plan is to just lean into it and follow the crowd’s vibes and try to be social and engaging. However, I can’t get over the fact that I’m being included in a small dinner with company leaders people at my level don’t normally have access to. Everything is an opportunity, right? Anything I should keep in mind or be sure to do? I’m probably overthinking all of this but that’s pretty much my nature. Thanks for any tips!
Anon
Honestly? Just be social and engaging without trying to turn your presence into a sales pitch for yourself. A retirement dinner is not a speed dating networking event.
Anon
This X 100
Anon
This is right. Think about your colleague who is retiring and now this is a very big deal for her! Focus on that, then it will take the feeling of pressure off of you.
anonshmanon
I always find it helpful to remind myself that that leaders are people too, and treat them this way. Of course that doesn’t mean to behave overly familiar, but to make friendly small talk, and try to get to know them a bit. Don’t be mesmerized/paralyzed by their rank or think that you must talk only about work, or utilize this opportunity. They get enough of this. Perhaps in my field, there is also the fact that leaders are usually promoted for technical skills, and they can feel awkward themselves, about leading people. So I just put them at ease, ask about what part of town they live in, are they going to some upcoming conferences, summer plans etc.
In all my jobs, this was effective to get a good line of communication going with people who were several steps above me.
Cat
This kind of thing is like 90% bonding over social topics and 10% shop talk.
OP
Oh thanks for the replies so far, and I’m glad they’re leaning towards just be social and treat them like normal people, because that was my inclination! My brain was telling me maybe I should do more but it sounds like my original thought was the right one. It should be a very nice time! Thanks to everyone for the gut check.
Anon
Pep talk! You are being invited to this because you’re good at what you do, and you clearly have great instincts. Your gut was right on :) You’ve got this!
Peloton
I think if you go into the dinner and try to make conversations about you or work, it’s very easy to foot fault. If you go into the dinner and try to make conversations about the guest of honor or the person you’re talking to, you will likely come off as charming and interesting.
Anon
I’m in the c-suite at my company and second all the advice to just be social and normal. Talk about movies, travel, hobbies, etc. it’s not the time or place to get into work, suck up or pitch. And take social cues, don’t monopolize someone’s time. Keep it moving.
Anon
I wholeheartedly agree with the advice: be social and engaging. Don’t treat it like a sales pitch. Let people remember you as the new person who fit right in.
Just throwing this out there: it can be exhausting to be around people who can’t talk about anything besides work (or babies). You’re out for coffee or beers with your run club and it’s all “How is work, where are you working, who are you reporting to, are you going to get promoted.” Lady, get LinkedIn Premium if this matters so much to you. “When are you going to have more kids, why aren’t you giving Daniel a sibling,” ad nauseum. It’s just so much more pleasant to be around people who ask if you’ve read any good books, binged watched any TV shows, or are heading back to your normal lake vacation spot this year.
Anon
Anecdote here that might be helpful: my son used to play his sport with a kid whose dad was a legend in that sport. The dad was retired from our hometown professional team, no less, and had a unique name, so everyone know who he was and who his kid was. He would come to some of his son’s games but be standoffish because the dads, mostly, were coming up being fangirlish. Our sons had been hanging out some, and he happened to sit behind us at a game once, and I turned around and said, “Are you Jimbo’s dad? I am Sam’s mom, Suzy. Thanks for having Sam over. .” And I talked to his wife like she was a normal mom, and he talked like a normal dad, and all the fangirl dads looked at me with revulsion. It was kind of awesome. So your C suite people have spouses and dogs and children and follow sports teams. Figure out which one you have in common and talk about that.
Senior Attorney
Agree with everyone else, and also you can’t go wrong sharing warm-hearted stories about the guest of honor.
Anon
Agree the absolutely best thing to do is be pleasant and try to get to know people. It’s not an interview, but can’t go wrong with open-ended questions: Any fun trips coming up? What’s your favorite memory of (honoree)? What are your favorite summer activities around here? Where do you like for (insert pizza/seafood/whatever food you like)?
If you particularly hit it off with someone you can send an email few days later saying hey was great chatting about X, hope we cross paths again! And see if or how they respond.
Anon
+1 I’d ask about any fun summer travel, family visits, gee isn’t it hot and best tips to stay cool, etc.
Anon
For those with newer cars with Apple Car Play, if I am listening to the radio, sometimes it stops playing the radio of a text comes into my phone or I get an alert (like a meeting reminder). I just want the radio to play (or music from my iTunes or whatever). Is there a setting I should be using? I kept clicking around but couldn’t even articulate the problem well enough to search the various menu options.
Anon
I don’t think I use Apple Car Play so maybe the process is different? In case it is similar enough, though, here is what I do. I connect my iPhone via Bluetooth to my Prius. When setting up the connection I could choose to have my emails and texts pushed through, either just a notification or to have them to be read aloud. Since I did not want either option, I opted not to have them come through to the car at all. My audio does get interrupted for phone calls since I did opt to have those come through, but texts and emails do not alert through the car at all.
Anon
Is that a setting on your phone or the car? In rental cars I’ve had this hasn’t been an issue. Thanks!
Anon
It was in the car connection setup, not on my phone. Although the phone has Focus settings that can do similar things.
Anon
I believe it’s your phone notification settings, turn off push notifications for texts.
Anon
I usually silence the notifications from my text messages and that works.
Anonymous
Turn on do not disturb. I think there’s a setting on your phone to automatically turn on do not disturb when the phone senses that you’re driving.
I share your frustrations with Apple car play though. If my husband is driving and the radio is on and we’re using my phone for directions, I basically can’t use my phone for anything else. Anytime I open an email or app that has an automatic video ie an ad, it switches from radio to playing the ad from my phone. I’ve tried to disable automatic videos to no avail. I could disconnect from Bluetooth but then we cant use my phone for directions (which is so much easier than inputting it into the car). And we can’t use his phone for directions because my car for some reason loves his phone, even though I’ve set it to prioritize my phone, so if I’m driving and he’s anywhere near the car (even inside the house) I can’t get the car to connect to my phone. Arg!
Anon
Haha, my car loves my phone so much that if my husband takes it for a drive without me, it drags my phone connection with it for quite a long distance. It also reconnects from about 1/2 mile away upon his return, which has lead to some humorous conversation intrusions.
Anon
Totally! I’ve been on conference calls using my cell and suddenly I can’t hear anything because my husband has taken my car, and my conference call along with him!
Anon
We’re beginning to plan a move (out to the suburbs) and I’m completely overwhelmed by the idea. We’ve got to buy a new house, sell our house, enroll one kid kindergarten/aftercare and the other in daycare. We’ve got a year to do this and are willing to throw some money at problems. Any advice? If you’ve done this, anything you wish you knew beforehand?
Thank you!
Anon
Get on daycare lists yesterday. My now-pregnant coworker got on a waiting list before they started trying. Even then, they are glad to have an opening available when the baby will be 5 months old.
Anon
In my city, you need a doctors note with a due date in it to even get in some waiting lists. It is insane for newborn care.
Anon
It’s easier when you don’t have an infant, since classroom sizes are bigger.
An.On.
If possible, try to set it up so you can start moving into the new house before needing to be out of the old house.
Lily
Start doing serious research into the various towns you’re considering, including quality of schools. Get on daycare waitlists ASAP. Find a realtor or at least set up alerts for properties coming up for sale in your desired neighborhoods/towns. Get set up with a mortgage broker and get your pre-approval ready so that you can jump on an opportunity quickly. Start de-cluttering your current house, take care of any little projects you can do on your own that will make the house more desirable.
In terms of the move itself, hire movers who will also pack your stuff, plus hire an organizer company team to help you unpack, put things away, and get rid of boxes.
One thing we did that I’m really glad about is we befriended another family that was also moving from our former city to our suburb at the same time and had kids the same age. We’ve bonded with them, put our kids in activities together, etc. We also made a push to make other friends in our new suburb. You need to go outside your comfort zone to make friends in a suburb unless you already have a built-in group of friends there.
anon
+1 on all of this. We moved out of the suburbs last year with 3 kids (2 elementary, 1 daycare). All of what’s listed here helped us. Definitely throw money at problems as much as possible but also don’t try to throw money at problems that you can’t really throw money at, like spending time together as a family or with your spouse. Here are some of my additional notes:
– For selling- if you have a realtor that handles all the details including staging do that. Pick a realtor who is a reputable “one stop shop”.
– Absolutely hire packers, movers and unpackers, organizers and decorators. This was the best money we spent.
– We wish we had spent more time evaluating the neighborhoods we wanted to move TO. The market was overpriced and tight where we were going. We wish we had considered getting AirBnBs nearby, hanging out at the local grocery store, and talking to people and trusting our gut. Or even just renting for a year to explore the different neighborhoods a bit more. A knowledgeable buyers agent is helpful too. We didn’t do this because we thought we “knew the area” because we visited it so much and family lives here. Visiting a place is not the same is living there. And we now know family have different living standards and needs than us though it was apparent before. We are now in the undesirable situation of moving again. If you want to sort of stick the landing on where you move to, really spend a lot of time on this step. Other things I wished I had asked about- cost of utilities, cost of insurance, internet and electrical outages and such. We have family who live in the area we moved to and never said anything about these issues because they were “normal” to them.
– Have your child’s vaccine records handy so you have them ready for school enrollment.
– Some schools sell pre- made packets with all suppliers for the year (maybe through PTO). Buy that to keep things easy.
– Don’t over engineer things, go with the flow. DH and I would get together daily and talk about only what we could accomplish that day, and just do that so we wouldn’t get over whelmed.
– Done is better than perfect, try not to stress and give yourself grace.
Good luck! You’ve got this!
Anon
Declutter! Get rid of everything you don’t see yourself taking to the new house. Since you have time, you can do this thoroughly and thoughtfully. It will make your current home easier to stage for selling, and make the move simpler.
Walnut
Definitely this! When I last moved, I walked through my house and asked “Do I want to pay $2/pound to take this with me?” “Do I value this enough to wrap it, box it, carry it to the garage, carry it to the truck, carry it from the truck, and then find a new place for it the new house?” If the answer was “No” I took a picture, posted it to Facebook Marketplace or Buy Nothing in that moment, and then dropped it in my front entryway.
Also, if you’re someone who keeps a backstock of pantry, personal care or other consumable items, start using it up now. You’d be surprised how long it takes to get through everything and it’s super annoying to move an entire pantry of stuff when you could have just eaten through it. Even more so relevant if you have a chest freezer and buy in bulk.
Anon
Start purging stuff you don’t need now. The less stuff you have to move, the easier it will be (and if you do it now, you’re more likely to use it up or give it to a good home than just trash it).
A.n.o.n.
do you have a general idea of where in the burbs, and do you have anyone out there already to advise?
I would start with a good realtor in the area and then search for local groups (on FB or otherwise) to start gathering info. on FB, you can often find a “[suburb name] parents/moms” group. then search/lurk for some of the answers to the questions like daycare etc.
fwiw, when I moved from city to suburbs I was surprised how much easier things got! esp for kids, no more “sign up for park dist program in the first 2 mins of registration or it’s full” etc. do be aware of school timelines – usually the earliest registration is for the school year so you may want to have that worked out by early 2025 (if you can) to ensure you can register when the signups open (Jan-March for my area).
good luck!
Walnut
Aftercare sign up can also be super early, so you’ll to be asking around Christmas when sign ups start for the next school year.
Anon
Depends on the suburb, I think. I live in a suburban area and full day camp options are very limited and sell out within seconds. There are lots of half day camps that don’t sell out, but those are hard for working parents.
No Problem
Can you even register a kid for kindergarten or any kind of before/after care at a public school without proof of residency? This may be putting the cart before the horse. OP needs to find a house first and move before she can register the kindergartener. This may be after the typical open registration period, but it doesn’t mean the kid can’t be registered whenever you do more and attend kindergarten starting next fall. It may mean that slots for before/after care are full already, though.
anon
You definitely couldn’t do this without proof of residency in my area.
Anonymous
Agree. We closed on a house in June last year and couldn’t register for public school and school-based aftercare until then. That was step 1. (And we didn’t even get a before/ aftercare spot.) At the other end, we didn’t move until August because all of the kids’ summer camps were in our original city.
Anon
Correct. The typical registration period in our area for K is March, but you can’t register if you don’t live in the district, and families that move in the district over the summer (or even during the school year) can register any time. You may be SOL on aftercare, but public school has to take you — they can’t tell you they’re full.
Anon
This might sound odd, but check with your employer’s EAP. I actually found a bunch of useful resources there when we relocated – checklists for moving, packing etc, consolidated lists of childcare options, mortgage comparison calculator etc. All stuff I could have found myself, but having it all in one place was way more efficient than Google.
PLB
Great advice! I never thought about this.
Anon
I did this last year. Plan to throw money at moving, and packing, too, if it’s in the budget. I used my entire maternity leave packing and unpacking, which was not ideal and only possible because I didn’t have regular work hours.
Selection was limited in our suburb (outside Chicago), so we had to be ready to offer within hours of seeing a place. In fact, only my husband could do a viewing before we bought our current house. That makes the agent all the more important. A really good real estate agent can find houses before they’re on the market, can give useful opinions on work that needs to be done on a house, negotiate quickly, and provide contacts for contractors, painters, an inspector, etc., and perhaps even coordinate some of it. We used the same agent to sell our home, and I’m glad we used her advice for staging and painting because we listed and received far more than we expected. NOW is a great time to get exterior photos of your place taken, while everything is green or in bloom, even if you don’t plan to list until the spring.
Had it occurred to me, I would have joined Facebook groups before moving, like the local moms or families groups, to learn more about the specific neighborhood we’re in and insider info about the local schools. For example, there are a few different elementary schools, but one appears to have better outdoor playground and fields (great for a kid who has tons of physical energy) and better assistance for students with needs. We did map the walking route for our older kid to get to school when evaluating houses, as well as options for older kid to walk to a park or playground without parents.
In our area, the housing market is tight so most people have to sell before they can buy. If that’s you, start making a financial plan for how you’ll pay for interim living, whether that’s renting back your house or moving temporarily.
Anon
I posted below, but +1 on joining mom/parent Facebook groups in new town to get recs for daycares/schools/doctors.
Also yes, we were able to carry 2 mortgages which made buying much easier. In most markets it seems offers with a sale mortgage contingency will not be considered. Being able to move out then close on current place was key for us with kids.
Anon
Just did this with 2 kids – 2 and 4. We stared by finding a house in our desired town and went from there (since housing market so tight for buyers). After we had signed contract on new home and set tentative close date, immediately got condo ready to list (put 1/3 of our stuff in storage, did any last minute touch ups etc). Had open house to minimize disruption to the kids and had multiple strong offers. Negotiated with new buyers to set condo close date shortly after home close date.
Immediately also started looking for schools/daycares for kids in new town, new doctors etc. Toured, got on wait lists, etc.
Slowly started packing up remaining items in condo during weekends/evenings when kids not around. You could throw money at packing and unpacking but I like to do it myself (control). My home was already pretty declutterred bc we lived in a small space.
I threw money at cleaning – had cleaners come to clean our condo after we moved out and to deep clean the new home before moving in. We had them clean out every closet, shelf, cabinet, appliance, windows, etc and it was expensive but worth it as I could immediately unpack after moving in.
Anon
Check when you need to establish residency for kindergarten or to participate in school lottery (if applicable) – that’s the date that will dictate timing of the move so need to work backwards from there.
If you are targeting a pretty small area, I’d find a connection there via the realtor or family Facebook group or something and get intel on the aftercare – where I live you have to sign up for that in late winter / early spring before kindergarten.
Daycare will be tough if you have a very young kid, may end up making sense to do a nannyshare or something but generally those don’t get sorted out till like two months before you want to start.
If there’s any way to have time after you buy new house to do repairs before moving in that would be great. A lot of people I know do a rentback to stay in the place for a month or two after closing, and fix up new house in that window. But I think there is huge variance in whether that’s normal by region so talk to realtor.
Agree on declutterring. If it’s possible to have one ore t take the kids on a trip for a few days like twice in the next year, that would be hugely beneficial for the other parent really knocking out big chunks of purging and packing work.
Anon
Agree on the decluttering as well.
My sister had to move twice in a 7 year span and decluttered (ie threw away) so much both times that she has now put the kibosh on physical gifts for her birthday & Christmas. She doesn’t want more stuff!
Anonymous
If you haven’t already picked a town and bought, look really closely at the before/aftercare situation in your prospective towns if you are planning to be a dual income family. Towns really vary on how easy they make this for families and you don’t want to be stuck in one that is behind the game and trying to figure out what to do now that their population is all dual working families. Is the aftercare available? Do kids like it? How much is it?
Anon
Favorite humidity frizz fighting hair products?
I’m in the hot and humid mid Atlantic. I have fine but thick, naturally wavy, collarbone length hair. I commute (10 min walk) at 7:30 AM when humidity is still very, very high.
On days I leave my hair wavy it’s fine, but in days I blow it out or straighten it I look like a hot mess by the time I get to work. Even if I do my hair for dinner or drinks at night when it’s less humid I gave the same problem.
Ive really been working on looking more out together lately but this is throwing a wrench in the plan.
Lily
Wear your hair wavy and leave the blow-outs for the drier months! I reject the notion that wavy hair doesn’t look put together. Use some product so the waves are more defined (you can also keep this product with you and reapply during the day to tame any frizz – just stay away from your roots).
Alternatively, depending on your set up at work, you could wear your hair wet in a pony tail or bun during your commute, then quickly blow dry it at work. I don’t necessarily recommend this but I’ve seen women doing it. Same with makeup.
NYNY
My hair is naturally quite straight, but thick and fine. Humidity tends to make it puff up, and now as I get more greys, they frizz up a lot. I’ve been using Color Wow One-Minute Transformation styling cream to tame it when it gets humid, and have been so happy with it that I keep a travel size tube of it in my purse. I rub a dollop between my palms and run it through my hair, and just sort of flatten it with my hands and my puffy frizz goes away and stays away. If I have access to a blow dryer, it’s even better.
go for it
Super fine curly hair: these are my options currently (all on wet hair):
all are predicated with ….touch hair with your hands as little as possible to minimize frizz
all of these work for my niece who has straight hair
Its a 10 spray
curlsmith air dry creme
spray hair with infusium 23 leave in conditioner, then rub 5 or 6 drops argan oil between palms and smith down hair
when all else fails, I use a clip or headband and call it a day
Anon
As someone with curly hair I just accept that I will look frizzy.
Cat
honestly, between not wanting to fuss with a ton of products and the heat of the hair itself, I wear my hair in “up” styles the majority of the summer.
NY CPA
Commiserations. I could never get my naturally wavy hair to look decent by the time I got to work (would also look nice when I left the house, terrible by the time I got anywhere, worse by the end of the day). Some people with curly or wavy hair look nice even on hot days–I was just never one of them.
The only thing that’s helped is I recently got a Brazilian Blowout. My hair still has a bit of a wave and movement, which I like, but the top of my head and underside of my hair dont go completely curly when I get sweaty which has been a game changer. The top does look fairly flat though, but that’s something I’ve been fighting for awhile. It also cut my hairstyling routine time in about half.
A
You have to leave it wavy and lean into the wavy haircare products — use some sort of system that uses a gel cast and then hair oil (there are a million suggestions on line of curly girl, modified curly girl etc.). The gel cast broken by oil is really key to withstanding humidity.
Anon
I wish this worked for me. To get any real cast, I have to apply handfuls of gel to soaking wet hair, wait approximately 8 hours for it to dry without touching it intentionally, accidentally, shaking my head at all, brushing against anything, or encountering a breeze of any kind. Then I can scrunch out the crunch and it will look great for a maximum of 7.4 minutes before turning stringy and frizzy.
Anon
I have similar hair (thick, wavy/curly, frizzes in a hot second but blows out pretty well). In the summer months or if there is high humidity I just clip it back so I don’t have to deal with it – I have loads of bobby pins but most often just do either a claw clip for my commute or a france luxe clip for a slightly more polished option. If I blow my hair out, but then twist it into an updo when I take it down I have beautiful 90’s voluminous waves, so that might be something to try?
Otherwise I’d just wear it curly with some gel and oil/control creme in it to ensure it doesn’t get too floofy.
humidi
the Color Wow Dream Coat really does work. the trick is to spray a lot on each section, then blow dry with Tension.
Anon
Embrace the wave. There’s no point in straightening it if you can’t keep it straight due to the weather.
I’ve also been embracing my waves. I find a curl cream helps my hair look intentional and not messy. I currently prefer the JVN Air Dry Cream (I get it from Sephora). I put a generous amount in my hair when it’s still pretty wet, and try to scrunch my waves a bit, which means taking a handful of my hair from the ends upward and squeezing lightly. I do this all over my head.
The curl cream helps a lot with preventing frizziness.
Anon
I use Loreal’s Elvive 8 Second Wonder Water to combat frizz, but I also don’t straighten my hair with heat tools.
Anonymous
Humidity causes fine hairs to curl up and go rogue. You see this if you blow dry your hair at a high heat. Without super heat protectants, the little hairs get frizzy.
When it’s humid outside you’ll need to use a heat protectant even if you didn’t heat treat your hair that morning. I like dreamcoat supernatural spray (has a big WOW on it), Moroccan oil products work well too. There’s a very fine line between not enough to control the frizz and too much to look oily.
You can also try to tie or pin down your hair to minimize the little rogue hairs popping up until you can get back into reasonable temperatures.
Or do what I do and take an Uber when it’s hot and humid outside, even if it’s only a 10 min walk.
Anona
I have the same type of hair and I have yet to find a styling product that works well and doesn’t result in frizz when I let it dry naturally, so usually I blow it out with the Revlon one step volumizer. I put Moroccan Oil curl creme on the ends and after drying I finish with straight Mororccan Oil as well, including lightly smoothing from the top down. My hair is very porous and I figure I’ll let it absorb the curl creme and the oil so that it absorbs less of the humidity. When I go out in the morning to walk the pooch, my hair is pulled back and stuffed. That seems to keep the frizzies at bay.
Anon
A few random recommendations from someone who is 5’0 and hourglass who finds the current silhouettes really challenging (i.e., cropped, looser, boxy etc.)
-Linen shirt https://www.target.com/p/women-39-s-short-sleeve-collared-button-down-shirt-universal-thread-8482-white-m/-/A-89741398?sidd=1839S&ref=tgt_adv_xsp&AFID=google&fndsrc=tgtao&DFA=71700000012735151&CPNG=PLA_Women%2BShopping_Local%7CWomen_Ecomm_AA&adgroup=SC_Women_Local&LID=700000001170770pgs&LNM=PRODUCT_GROUP&network=g&device=m&location=9001668&targetid=pla-2243939220454&ds_rl=1241788&ds_rl=1246978&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD-5dfZBIq-1vmKgD8Yu_GaVkgfSA&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-uK0BhC0ARIsANQtgGMDLGX6eL6DY8YDNcKr0EN3pOajutXlixH6TnEw6azeAnU4G_aBj-gaAjQ4EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
-Pants
https://www.gapfactory.com/browse/product.do?pid=875383001&vid=1#pdp-page-content
-Pants
https://www.loft.com/clothing/pants/catl000014/763083.html?priceSort=DES
I tend to wash items on cold/delicate and hang to try, so generally have good luck keeping cheaper clothing items looking good and truthfully would be happy to spend more but strike out on pants so often (BR Sloan is the only one that reliably works otherwise but somewhat less current.)
Anon
Try BR Sloan straight leg for more modern cut. I’m 5’1”, short legs even for my height. Inverted triangle (large bust, broad shoulders, narrow hips. Makes me sound like a busty linebacker…).
Senior Attorney
Is that a more modern cut, though? I wore Sloans for YEARS and I feel like the current look is wider in the leg.
Anon
Agree
Anon
I should have said “slightly more modern cut”. Straight is better than skinny. The old skinny Sloans are definitely not modern, but the straight cut is better. And some of us shorties just cannot do wide legs.
Anon
OP-thanks for the recommendation. The only other pants that I’ve found for work which again aren’t super current but not skinny are Spanx perfect kick flare. The ones I posted above work bc they’re flowier, wider fabric. Even the stiffer fabric in same style at LOFT looked weird while the linen style worked.
Reader I am divorcing him
Knowing how fast threads move here, I just wanted to thank everyone who answered my divorce question yesterday – you are all brilliant and your answers have really helped me reframe my thoughts. I had a productive conversation with my lawyer this morning, and at least today is two steps forward!
Anon
I’m glad for you.
ArenKay
You’ve got this and it will get easier! We are all rooting for you.
Senior Attorney
Yay! And this time next year everything will be so much better!
Ses
So glad it helped. Many of us have been through it and are wishing you well, and remembering how hard it all is. I remember walking around feeling like I’d lost a limb for months and then one day where I started to marvel at how much energy and purpose I suddenly had.
Sending good vibes.
Anon
OP, I really admire how you’ve come here for check-ins throughout the process. That seems consistent with how you’ve been asking for help and company elsewhere in life throughout this period. If you can keep doing that, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to connect with resources as you navigate your way through the bumpy parts. There will be bumpy parts, so expecting them and knowing you’ve been able to get through the previous ones will probably put you in a better position when they come up. Hang on in there! As I remind my friend who’s been getting through one of the most protracted divorces I’ve ever seen, it’s a finite process! And every piece you put behind yourself gets you closer to the finish line.
Anon
Favorite freezer friendly meal prep recipes that aren’t soups, casseroles, or very heavy? I have a good rotation of soups, pastas, and the like for the winter but I’m a little lost on good summer options for freezer meal prep! It’s too darn hot here to eat anything heavy.
Anon
Summer I don’t feel bad getting a baguette and just having sandwiches and fancy charcuterie.
Anon
The thing is, heavy meals like soups and casseroles and pasta freeze really well. I don’t think lighter/summer foods lend themselves as well to freezing which is why all freezer meal prep recipes are things like casseroles. You could try prepping marinated meat and veggies to grill or stir fry.
anon
vegetarian curries
lentils with veg
homemade pesto
Anon
Pesto, bread, berries, bananas, and muffins are always in my freezer and make up a significant portion of my summer diet. I think of the freezer more as a place for ingredients than entire meals. Those get turned into pasta salads, sandwiches, pizza, or smoothies. I also make a lot of hummus (not from the freezer, but only takes a few minutes from a can of chickpeas) and eat with pitas and falafel from the freezer and whatever veggies I have around.
Anon
I didn’t think that fat froze well. Or is that dairy?
Anon
Liquid dairy doesn’t always freeze well, but fat is fine. I always keep my butter and lots of other things with high fat content in the freezer so they don’t go rancid (nuts, flax seeds, etc.). The issue is with things where the liquid and fat separate.
Anon
Can you elaborate on how you use frozen ingredients for quick meals?
Cat
We do it with proteins mostly – like if we’re roasting chicken, we’re making 6 chicken breasts, eating 1-2 of them, and then slicing the remainder into serving sizes and freezing them. Then in the morning you just choose your dinner protein and stick it in the fridge to defrost.
But also sauces, like we freeze pesto in ice cube trays so a simple dinner of pasta, pesto, and fresh tomatoes means all you have to do is cook the pasta.
Anon
Unless you want to make a sandwich or a smoothie, you’re still going to have to cook, but I make big batches of things like caramelized onions, pesto, and various whole grains or legumes (quinoa, bulgur, couscous, lentils, etc) and freeze them. I then can mix those with ingredients from the pantry, other frozen veggies, and whatever fresh veggies and herbs I have around to make big batches of pasta, grain, or bean salads with lots of veggies. I make enough to last in the fridge for at least 4-5 days.
Anon
Quiche freezes well. You can defrost and eat with a green salad.
Anon
Summer is the time to eat fresh, light things that don’t freeze well, like salads and fruits. I wouldn’t even bother with freezer prep – can’t think of a single thing that would appeal to me in the summer that tastes best coming out of the freezer. Why not just aim for ultra quick weeknight meals?
Anon
Because there are days I work 14-16 hours and even ultra quick is too much effort for me!
Anon
On those nights, I would have a quick grilled cheese with a sliced apple and some baby carrots or fresh summer cucumbers and call it a meal. That is probably faster than defrosting the lasagna by a longshot.
Anon
I’m pro lasagna all times of year. But options I’ve used when I’ve refused to make too much of an effort (if protein, fat, and calories are the goal) yogurt and honey, hard boiled eggs, fried eggs on rye toast, a few bites of cottage cheese.
If emotionally you need a more complete and plated dinner (sometimes you just do) the ideas below for breakfast burritos that you can top w salsa or sour cream sound really good.
Anon
This is what good cheese and triscuits are for.
Anon
So this might sound counterintuitive, but a lasagna using cottage cheese instead of ricotta has been a summer staple in my family for decades. I usually make one a month and freeze portions. You can make them heavy on the vegetables—like zucchini or mushrooms if that’s your thing.
Anon
Cottage cheese in lasagna is the best and I will join you in declaring that from a mountaintop. Ricotta just doesn’t do it.
Anon
I think if you’re working such long hours, you’re short changing your limited free time by meal prepping and it won’t actually save you tons of time on a weeknight. There are a lot of meals that can be made in literally 10 to 15 minutes. They won’t be fancy but they’ll get the job done. An option is to throw a filet of salmon (defrost in advance) into the oven for 12 mins with salt and pepper and lemon and then place it on top of a pre bagged salad that doesn’t need any washing.
Anon
I’d lean into buying pre-prepped fruit and veggies and then making ultra fast mains. So – cheese quesadilla with pico de gallo, baby carrots and fruit. Sandwich (deli meat, cheese) with cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, chips. Frittata/omlette/fried eggs with veggies (I usually saute cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and then pour my scrambled eggs on top) – eat with toast. Or girl dinner – cheese, crackers, crudite, fruit.
Peloton
If you live in a region where it operates and have the budget for it, I have used Thistle during trial prep weeks, and it is consistently very good and very low effort for me. I’d look into it.
Anon
A bowl of granola and fresh fruit would be my preference here. Or pre-washed salad greens with pre-washed toppings (cherry tomatoes, hard-boiled eggs, nuts, cheese, etc.). Both options are about as fast as you can get and neither lend themselves to being frozen.
Is there a specific meal you wish you had time for? People may be able to give you ideas on how to make a freezer-friendly version, but it seems like your stated meal parameters (light, summery, non-hot options) aren’t really compatible with freezer prep.
No Problem
Enchiladas
Breakfast burritos
Marinated meats so you can just defrost and throw on the grill
Curries
Honestly dinner a lot of the time for me is piece of fish (single frozen portion, defrosted in water and sauteed or baked depending on the fish), bag of frozen veggies steamed in the microwave (or fresh ones cut up and roasted), microwave baked potato. 2/3 of this meal comes out of the freezer, even if it isn’t really meal prep or a recipe. Scale up for a bigger crowd.
Anon
Avocados in various stages of ripeness and some tortilla chips. Apple and chunk of cheddar. Those frozen chicken tikka burritos paired with plain Greek yogurt (or use sour cream)
anonshmanon
You freeze avocados? Tell me more!
Anon
Haha, no. No freezer necessary. Just take the ripest one and mash it. Though I wonder if they would freeze—thinking of avocado smoothies people sometimes make.
BUT! You can put a ripe avocado in the fridge and it will keep for a few more days.
anonshmanon
yes that is great, like a pause button. When I buy a large net of avocados at Costco, I throw half of them in the fridge when they are still firm. Once I finished the first couple, I start pulling out the ones from the fridge to let them ripen on my own time.
Anon
Summer is when everything is fresh and ripe and in season. Summer is absolutely not the time for freezer meals.
Anon
I think this works on days off. It’s not as easy to work around fresh food when you’re strapped for time. It’s the ideal, but not necessarily the reality. I do freezer prepped meals for workday lunches otherwise I’m reliant on chipotle. But in no circumstance will I be able to replace my lunch with something seasonal and fresh without a lot more prep on my part. Freezer casseroles are the max limit to what I’ll do in terms of preparing my work day meals.
anoon
I freeze chicken pieces and then in the morning I add a portion to pre-shredded kale, a bunch of halved grapes, some cashews and add a store bought dressing. It takes ~5 minutes in the morning, and gives me a better lunch than what is available in the canteen (they usually add beans to all their dishes, and I loath all pulses)
Peloton
Shalane Flanagan’s Superhero Muffins keep surprisingly well in the freezer.
anon
Black Bean Quesadillas.
I mix the ingredients in following recipe from Budget Bytes (recommended here – fast and easy) and portion them into individual containers and freeze. When I am ready to make a Quesadilla, I just grab one portion from the freezer, a fresh tortilla (I use the high fiber or pea protein ones), shredded cheese, my salsas from the fridge.
https://www.budgetbytes.com/hearty-black-bean-quesadillas/
She actually makes ALL the quesadillas at once, and freezes them. I prefer making them as I need them, as it is so fast to cook one.
Anon
I love using my Ninja air fryer to cook up marinated meats, pre-made kabobs, or even frozen chicken fingers (straight from the freezer) and eat with a salad or even a can of green beans or frozen mixed veggies heated in the microwave when I’m pressed for time.
Anon
I feel like frozen meals are for food-is-fuel people. Not people who actually enjoy food.
I said what I said.
Anon
Haha, you’re right. During the weekday I am a food is fuel person. I have protein and fat needs and will get incredibly grumpy if they aren’t met. On weekends I give myself more time to be thoughtful—I’ve had more sleep, some sun, and am in a more ready state to do meal preparation with fruits and vegetables.
Anon
In-house lawyers: hoping you can help me with some comp info!
I am in-house, 16 years experience in total, 11 years experience in industry, and am moving to another internal position with the same grade as my current position. I have 2.5 years at this particular company and was sought after to apply for this internal role. It’s necessary for me to move into this type of role to be promoted at some point in the future. Hope that’s enough background.
Offer is:
$220k base ($9k increase on base from where I am)
20% bonus long term incentive (same as current)
30% bonus strategic performance (same as current)
Retention bonuses for three years stay
This base comp is just below the mid of the pay band range. I think I have maybe three years at this level before I can get promoted to the next level so I think I should be higher in the band as we get small raises each year. I want to counter with $235k base, no counter on bonuses.
The base salary range for years of experience in this type of role in my area per Glassdoor is $211k – $275k so I don’t think $235k is an unreasonable ask with the skills I have learned in my current role and market pay.
Thoughts? Am I bonkers?
Any help with script also greatly appreciated!
Anon
One question: does your employer have a policy on how large an increase can be when switching jobs without a promotion? For some employers with this type of policy, it dictates the initial offer and for others, it caps the actual salary.
Anon
OP – Good question! I don’t think so, but I will go check.
Anon
OP – our comp program policy does not state any restrictions on salary bumps for internal moves.
Cat
Where would $235 put you in the pay band range? And how many annual raises would get you to the top of the range from there vs. $220?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone new in a role to be in the middle of the pay range for that role.
Anon
OP – Thanks! $235k puts me $14k over the mid and $43k from the max. I have received 3.75% merit raises so it would take about 5 years of that level merit increase to hit the max. My goal is to be in the next band by the five year mark.
Anon
You can try but I wouldn’t be that hopeful for an internal move. Internal candidates aren’t treated like external hires usually. If it’s a lateral move I’m surprised you’re even getting an increase.
Anon
OP – does it help to know that the hiring attorney indicated slyly she expected me to negotiate? And that my boss told the hiring attorney that she better make it worth my while?
I’m going to talk to my internal mentor as well about this to make sure I am not going totally out of bounds.
Appreciate all the feedback and questions so far!!
Anon
Absolutely! What matters most is how your company handles things. Play within the lines of your company’s norms and you’ll be fine.
Anon
OP – thanks everyone for the food for thought! I talked to my mentor and the hiring attorney and we have a plan. I am going to ask if there is room and the HA is going to see if she can up one of the bonuses as the small raise brings me in line with the rest of her team. Mentor said internal laterals generally don’t get raises so aligns with what some said!
I am happy with this outcome given this extra information. Have a great day all!
Anon
That is consistent with my long experience incorporate America. Whenever I was promoted or whenever I promoted someone, they wanted most of the increase to be in the incentive comp rather than the base.
It worked out really well for me in the long run because there were a few years where my incentive comp was more than my base – Because of good company results and good individual performance.
Anon
Thanks for sharing this! The HA said she would have more flexibility next year with merit raises too, assuming I earn one of course!
Anon
It seemed like there has been pressure for a few years to not blame the Democrats for anything political, to say that we should really place blame on the Republicans for everything (e.g. Roe, gun safety, whatever it is). It seems like that is shifting in the extreme at the 11th hour. The New York Times alone publishes a new hit piece on Biden almost daily. Why now? Could the disastrous debate alone really have ended the charade that the Dems were doing great all this time?
Anon
The Democrats are finally waking up and realizing they can’t repeat the 2016 mistake of assuming Trump is so deplorable that a polarizing Dem candidate can automatically win. Biden used to a bland but palatable option that moderate Republicans could vote for. His alleged cognitive decline wasn’t visible to most Americans. After that disastrous performance his issues are undeniable, and he’s not going to win over any swing voters. He absolutely needs to step aside, otherwise the Dems are handing Trump the election on a silver platter. Biden is delusional about his prospects and unfortunately I don’t see him bowing out unless he’s bombarded with public pressure
Anon
There isn’t even a step aside plan. Like I bet Gavin Newsome is thirsty for it but at least propose something. The whispering campaign just makes it seem like Plan B is not fully baked. So I’m voting hard down ticket and resigned to another Trump win. Best I can hope for is divided government.
Anon
Big donors are pressuring Biden to step aside, and they certainly aren’t going to support replacing him with Harris. So it’s either Biden or a younger white person, probably a man. Larry Sabato said this morning that the dam is finally breaking.
Anon
There is a very clear step aside plan, Harris is the VP and the VP’s job is to step up when the president can’t. The succession of power is very clear. Harris is already on the registration in states where Biden is. People just don’t think Harris is electable. I disagree
Anon
I agree. She’s only “not electable” because of the self-fulfilling prophecy that she isn’t. I’d motivate for Harris in a way I cannot for Biden.
Anonymous
Harris is not electable. The Democrats would love to set the record with a black woman President but the whole reason Biden is not running is that Trump losing was not a reset, Trumpers only dug in more and there is no way Harris could win. They (unfortunately) needed to find another old white guy to run. They bet on Biden being healthy enough to at least get through the election and squeak out a win.
Seventh Sister
I think she’s electable if Dems all get behind her and campaign hard, which seems unlikely given that she’s a woman of color. All those youngish guys who were Bernie Bros and Bernie-adjacent in 2016 are going to find some reason (her background as a prosecutor, some vague disdain they can’t articulate, etc.) and stay home or vote third party.
Anonymous
I loathe her and can’t wait until we never hear from her again. Fortunately for the Democrats, I loathe Trump and Vance more.
Anonymous
It could be that Biden’s cognitive impairment is hindering his ability to see that he needs to gracefully step aside.
Anonymous
And then what? If there was anyone else as an option, he’d be stepping down.
Anonymous
Harris with Michelle Obama as VP
Anonymous
In what fantasy land is KH/MO an electable ticket?? It’s my dream ticket but the direction things have gone. Trump had Jan 6 and is still the 2024 candidate. We are not in a KH/MO world.
Anon
Michelle Obama will never in a million years get involved in politics. She’s spoken for decades about how much she detests it. This kind of fantasy dreaming is why Democrats don’t win elections.
anon
The problem is there is no backup plan. The Democrats really screwed themselves over.
Anecdata
I am confused by what you mean about NYT “hit pieces”. The NYT has certainly published some unflattering coverage of Biden, and his campaign – but nothing that seems fundamentally “not news worthy”, or out of sync with how US presidential elections are typically covered
Anon
My husband and I have this conversation a lot. He’s a journalist at a major outlet (not NYT) and feels these pieces are news and there’s nothing wrong with the NYT treating it this way. Personally, I think it’s overkill and even if they want to cover Biden, why is it always the top story?? At least start putting some below the fold — cover it, but is it so critical that his campaign has to be the main story every day? I am specifically thinking about all the huge headlines about a new Democrat who is calling for him to step down. I still think the newsworthiness of that is questionable.
anon
There are two issues here. One is whether the topics are newsy – is there new, objective information that can be reported? The answer is yes.
The other question is whether the NYT is being responsible in the overall arc of its campaign coverage, and its role as an influential member of the media that helps shape the dialogue in the country. I’d say they are failing on this point. They have not even been close on covering all of the nonsense that’s come out of Trump’s mouth or a steady drumbeat of how he is unfit to be president.
Anon
“ They have not even been close on covering all of the nonsense that’s come out of Trump’s mouth or a steady drumbeat of how he is unfit to be president.”
Bingo.
Anecdata
Yeah, I kind of agree with you that I think a lot of major news companies over index on covering “breaking news”/whatever the story of the moment is, in such detail that the actual details are not really that newsworthy (I’ve been rolling my eyes at some of the “new poll shows…” updates) – I’d prefer coverage that waits a few days and then reports the updates in context. But I don’t think that problem is unique to their coverage of Biden, or that their Biden coverage is out of sync from the /other/ breathless breaking news updates that are… not actually that newsy
Anonymous
I didn’t like that they pushed out an email alert to all of their subscribers saying that a parkinson’s doctor visited the White House several times (with the implication that maybe Biden has the disease) when just a little bit of digging easily showed that the doctor was there to support a bill on parkinson’s research.
Anon
+1. That’s the type of thing that’s not news, but part of a weird concerted effort to CYA so no one can accuse the NYT of missing the signs when sh*t goes down for real.
Anon
+2 that was super weird
Anon
I think the fact that the NYT doing normal reporter things looks to you like a “hit piece” is part of the problem. The media and everyone around Biden have been covering for him, but **I** knew he was in cognitive decline before the debate because I read a variety of news sources. All of the media types, Democratic leaders and donors who pretend to just now realize there is a problem are lying. Maybe spend some time being angry at your media and your party and your leaders and wondering how you’ve allowed yourself to be taken in by their charade. Bring back skepticism.
Anon
Where did I say I was taken in by the charade? I changed my voter registration to independent before 2016 and I first told my friends I wouldn’t vote for Biden again (in the primary and not in the general unless I felt forced) in 2021. What I said was that I found that many people were saying not to blame the Dems. That’s changed overnight.
anon
+1. The media is doing its job.
Anon
The media thinks Trump will win and are now vying for the role of controlled opposition.
anon
???
Anon
That’s my take on the shift in reporting. Others have argued that media mergers have resulted in more news outlets being owned by MAGA interests, but I don’t know if that’s accurate.
Seventh Sister
I agree, sort of. In the short term, journalists are unlikely to get locked up and/or disappeared for criticizing the Trump administration. Maybe in the mid-to-long term (after he declares he should be president for life) that could happen, but there won’t be big changes right away. For plenty of guys and many many well-off people, a second Trump administration won’t materially affect their lives. Sure they will complain about the next travel ban or self-righteously refuse to vacation in Nebraska, but nothing else will change.
Anon
I think they’re more worried about access than retaliation (I hope anyway!).
Anonymous
Im so tired of the Dems acting like headless chickens. I cannot understand why they don’t just get behind Biden at this point. It’s too late to have a primary. You can’t just swap out candidates at the eleventh hour, that’s not how this works. If Biden were going to step aside then he should’ve done it years ago so the voters could select someone else through the proper channels. The Dems insisted that Biden was the man for the job even though he said during the last campaign he didn’t want to run again. Now after one bad performance – which btw is no surprise at all – they’re trying to bail on him. It makes no sense. Joe’s the guy, back him, end of story.
Anon
This. Dance with the girl you brung.
Anon
TOTALLY agree. It’s self sabotage at this point. Like STFU and get behind him. It’s too late to change now. You’d just be giving up key states who will not change the ballot now.
Anonymous
It’s like they think it’s July 2023 and not July 2024.
Anecdata
I think a non trivial chunk of it is: they do not think Dems can win the presidency, either with Biden or without him. And they think distancing themselves from him improves their own chances down ballot in November; or improves their own national profile for a 2028 run.
Anon
^this
Swim
Is anyone familiar with the Former Lawyers Collaborative? It seems like a slightly less expensive alternative to a generic career coach? I’m floundering and need accountability to figure out what is next.
Anon
IDK but I know several lawyers who do coaching and have podcasts. They may be spendy but from listening to the podcasts I have a sense of what I want a coach to help me with (and am taking some steps on my own while I mull over pulling the trigger).
Anon
which podcasts do you like?
Anon
Savaria Harris
Jessica Medina
Swim
Yeah I’ve listened to the Former Lawyer podcast which is where I learned about the rest. I’d be interested to hear others. I’m leaving law completely but struggling with what I’m doing instead.
Anon
Has anyone knit a prayer shawl? I have the dimensions needed as 30ish x 60ish but I’m struggling with a pattern and if it would look better knit horizontally (along the long edge) or vertically (along the narrow edge). And because half likely go to men, nothing like feather and fan. I am used to baby blankets, but they are longer than they are wide and the changed orientation is throwing me. Thoughts welcome!
Anon
Yarnspirations has a free pattern called Safe Haven that should help. It’s appropriate for a male or female.
Anon
This looks perfect -/ thank you!
Anonan
honestly plain garter the long way would look great for a man
Anon
Don’t they tend to curl on the edges though?
Vicky Austin
That’s stockinet-te.
Anon
Agree, garter stitch is great precisely because it doesn’t curl.
ShookLight Summer
I did a color palette test randomly on an app and got “light summer inverted triangle” as a result. I laughed. I’m a winter hourglass! Sigh. Jewel tones for life!
I dug deeper and did several more tests, sent photos to real humans and my color palette and body type are light summer and inverted triangle. No red? Half my closet is red.
I have to start over and reevaluate everything I know to be true about what colors and shapes work for me. I feel like I have to start all over again. When shopping online the things I pick aren’t even close!
Is this the worst thing ever? Am I dying? No. But I’m 15 years in to my job and in my early 40s. I had my staples. I read the blogs. I watch the sales. I replace the pieces that get too funky or old or outdated.
People have made comments about my wardrobe needing an upgrade in the past but I placed all of those comments into the inappropriate man comment bucket.
I don’t enjoy shopping or new clothes or spending money on clothes or shoes. It’s like get it done, wear clothes, try and look nice. Anyway I’m off to goodwill at lunch with a big bag of red clothes, and high necklines. I’m going to parse down to a capsule with what I have and maybe hire a stylist or something once I can afford one.
Anyone else go through this? Any tips from the hive? I found an app that quizzes me on what colors work for me called “my colors” and it’s hilarious and sad how many times I’m taking it to improve my score. I can’t BELIEVE I can wear light gray.
Cat
I mean no, you don’t have to throw out your wardrobe because of a trendy way to evaluate your coloring. Use it as a fun way to try on some colors or shapes you would normally have overlooked and see if you like them IRL.
A
What? Don’t donate your red clothes. Trends come and go. Wearing complimentary colors is a trend that comes and goes. Rock your red.
Cerulean
I think a lot of the color and body type classifications are too strict and try to impose rules about what you should wear that don’t always work. I’ve never been able to fully pin down my season (or body type or face shape for that matter), but I know what I look and feel good in. I would be wary of someone trying to classify your season online especially, as the way your coloring can present can shift based on the other person’s screen.
Trust your own perception. If you feel good in it, go with it. If you’re concerned about perception, pay attention to what people compliment.
Anon
Aw! I love high necklines. And I look awful in most of them. Can’t do a turtle neck either, but CAN do a mock. Sometimes it’s just trial and error. The quizzes are more of a guide—like using Wikipedia as a source. You still have to do work. Reds are tricky. There are so many tones. Hopefully some of what you have continues to work!
Anon
Coloring and body shape can change with hormones/aging so this is not too surprising.
anonshmanon
+1. Maybe you were one type previously and it has changed. So don’t beat yourself up over not realizing it before.
All that said, wear what you like.
Anon
Why not go see a stylist IRL or consult with one online before you donate and buy a bunch more things?
Loofah
+1. If you like red don’t get rid of all your red clothes based on a few online tests!
Anon
People in real life have actually made comments about your wardrobe? Hmmm. I’m not stylish, but no on in real life has ever made such a comment to me. Maybe it really is time for an upgrate?
HSAL
Yeah that’s where I landed on this. I scoff at the idea of tossing everything, but if people in your life are “what not to wear”ing you, it could be worth exploring more.
Anon
I like white and denim blues in the summer and a bit of red goes well with that. #TeamRed for life!
Anonymous
Don’t do this! Find a stylist now, before you purge, and she can help you figure out what to keep and replace. I am not supposed to wear black, but I love it, so I just combine it with other more flattering colors.
Anon
1. Color seasons are a helpful guideline if you struggle to identify which colors work for you. But everyone has colors in their season that look terrible and others outside their season that work. There are no hard and fast rules. Don’t force yourself to wear something you know doesn’t look good simply because it’s in your season or of the moment.
2. If red looks good on you, don’t throw away perfectly good items just because the color isn’t trendy. It depends on the item itself and the rest of your outfit. Red peplum top or button down cardigan? Toss. Red t-shirt? With skinny jeans and converse it will look dated. With straight leg jeans and chunky sneakers it will look current. The same thing goes for cut. Don’t ditch your wardrobe and buy unflattering items to match the trends. Mix items that work for you with trendy pieces.
Anon
Ok, I have known I’m a Summer since Color me Beautiful was a hit with my mom and her friends. That does mean I don’t wear orange or a lot of warm caramel tones. But it doesn’t mean I would trash my entire wardrobe because I had a few things that veered into Winter.
You’re talking about two cool toned color families. Your Winter colors will be fine for you as long as you like them and feel good in them! This is not a start over from scratch moment.
Anon
Same here- my mom was into this when I was a kid, so I remember poring over the book when I was little. I’m definitely a summer, but the winter and summer colors are actually pretty similar and I definitely wear blue-reds (though mostly in the winter, funnily enough).
Anon
pouring, not poring, oops!
Ses
Poring is correct!
Anon
No wait, I had it right the first time, that’s what I get for posting when doing multiple things at once!
anon
I’m a summer and still have a few winter clothes in my closet. Winter colors are basically the bolder version of summer colors. I do think summer colors suit me better but winter isn’t so far off that it looks bad. The exception might be cobalt blue, which really does overpower me.
Anon
I wear my cool reds around the winter holidays! It wouldn’t feel like Christmas to me without my red sweaters. We don’t have to be slaves to our “season.” Blues make up 75% of my closet, it’s true, and red is maybe 5%, but I still enjoy it and see no reason to jettison it.
anon
OK, but those apps are notoriously inaccurate. Unless you’ve actually evaluated this in person, I sure wouldn’t start overhauling your wardrobe yet.
anon
I wouldn’t throw out all your clothes because of some app. However, if multiple people have made comments about your wardrobe, you clearly need a change. I’d keep everything until you go see a stylist or personal shopper. Some of the old pieces might still work.
anon
I’m curious if you’re a more conservative dresser, and that’s what’s prompting the “overhaul!” comments. I’m wondering because I’ve had close friends gently say that I could choose more adventurous or exciting clothes. But I’m a basic, classic dresser at heart and that’s what I feel comfortable in. I don’t show cleavage at all, for example, and I didn’t feel comfortable doing that even in my 20s. It doesn’t mean I never incorporate trends, and I don’t wear anything truly outdated, but when I go too far past my comfort zone, I literally feel like I’m in costume. That’s not cute, either.
anon
Like that blogger Carly Riordan? I remember how she got raked over the coals in her 20s for being boring and too conservative. I’m a much taller, wider version of her. No, my fashion choices aren’t groundbreaking, but I still think they suit me and who I truly am. (Which is why it kinda hurts when it’s implied that I’m too conservative, fashion wise!)
OP, I don’t know if this is your issue, but I’m basing this on the comments piece alone, because it took me awhile to see what was happening.
Anon
I think some of the criticism on her is that her personality seems even less exciting than her wardrobe, tbh
anon
That’s fair.
Anon
I think if you dress in a classic style it’s inevitable that you are going to receive some commentary from trend followers who are disdainful of the classic way of dressing. I know I do. I just disregard. Honestly sometimes I look around and think other people are really underdressed but I wouldn’t dream of saying anything. That’s rude.
NaoNao
I’ve found as one gets a bit older, the natural pigment and color/saturation of color in the face is reduced, so one might have been a brighter, deeper, more intense color “type” as a teen or younger woman and when you get older, softer, muted, and grayer shades are more flattering and complementary now.
I’m supposedly a light/cool/soft summer but I wear colors outside that range frequently, either in accessories, shoes, or pants/skirts or prints. I am more careful about the colors I put next to my face and I have moved most of the black out of my closet as it truly is draining and funereal on me. I have a tight selection of “my” colors and try to stick to those in general (muted, soft blues and greens, sulfur yellow as my pop of color/statement color, all cool greys from pearl to charcoal, mushroom browns to cool chocolates, and stewed blueberry or blackberry/current tones for purples/reds). It does help eliminate a lot of “ooh shiny!” moments when shopping as hot, bright, warm colors are “in” right now.
For summers, “our” red is typical a muted brick or current, so you can still get that pop of bright, pretty, perky color without the harsh lines of a true red. I personally love a tomato red, instead of a cool/clear red and find that it works really well in the summer especially, although it does highlight the pink in my skin.
If you want to throw another book or “system” into the mix, the single most helpful book I read was Color Your Style by David Zyla. It isn’t a typical system, it takes your natural tones–hair, skin, eyes, and flush/blush and builds on those to create your power, rest, romance, and other “best colors” and the seasonal types are more archetypal and personality based with a touch of “best colors”. I *love* this book and recommend it, even though it’s an investment of time/energy to follow the system.
anon
Sounds like we have a very similar palette! I am drawn to bright colors but they do not do wonderful things to my complexion.
Anon
An older Summer here. That hot pink that was so popular last summer really appealed to me on the hanger, but anytime I wore something that color I felt like it was wearing me.
Anon
Yes! I love the fluorescent hot pinks so much, and can’t wear them. But sometimes I find a hot pink that’s a bit more “berry” if that makes sense and it works.
Anonymous
Give me your rec for a cordless vacuum cleaner please. Right now I have one from grad school that is just a pain to lug up and down the stairs. It’s about 10 years old and works very well, but I’d like something lighter and cordless.
I’d like to buy one for upstairs and leave it upstairs. Cordless, lighter, and preferably quite but I can wear earplugs. No cost limit, I’d really just like to get one I like.
I don’t have any pets, just kids.
Thanks in advance! Also I love this community!
Anon
Having a vacuum cleaner on every floor is life-changing. It doesn’t even matter which one. I have 3 and couldn’t tell you what they are, but the best vacuum is the one you use, and not having to lug them up and down stairs gets them used.
Anon
I love my Dyson cordless. I don’t think it matters which one you buy, my sister has one too and loves it.
Anonymous
Whatever version of Dyson you can afford. I have an old v6 that I still love, and a newer (v8?) one.
anon
We received a Dyson V15 Detect as a gift. I like it more than expected – we have a significant number of different floor coverings (hardwood, tile, thick rug, thin rug, etc.) and the “detect” part is actually really helpful. The battery is adequate for our small home. It is the only vacuum we use, and we go back and forth between the carpet and the hard flooring burhs. I am not sure I’d be as satisfied if I had been the one to purchase it.
Main negative IMO is the canister system – you have to take the whole stick part off to empty, and it makes a mess no matter how carefully you try to do it. Nowadays we try to do it outside to minimize mess. Coming from a bagged Miele cannister vacuum, this part seems barbaric.
anon
What are you doing to prepare for political unrest? I might be overthinking this but I live in DC and scared of what will happen this November-January. DC votes blue and could be a target. What should be in my emergency kit?
Anon
Like between DuPont Circle and Capitol Hill? I’d go away for a long weekend and secure your building. But that’s against casual vandalism. Maybe keep your valuables in a safe deposit box out in the suburbs. But nothing more than that really.
Anon
I’m due to deliver in November and part of the reason I’m choosing a local delivery hospital is to avoid traveling over the Bay Bridge, which has been shut down multiple times for protests. It’s my nightmare to get stuck on that bridge during labor and I’d rather not chance it. Otherwise, I’m too paralyzed to think about planning.
Anon
I’m due 2 days after the election, and I’m also scared about civil unrest in my capital city. The hospital is only 2 miles away on surface streets, but I do fear potential unrest especially after the assassination attempt.
Anonymous
I lived in downtown DC up until 2 years ago and the time when we were occupied by the National Guard was really frightening. If I was still there I’d keep an ear out for news of big protests and leave town before those happened. I’d also try to plan for back-up childcare, because our daycare closed for several days around the big protests. Know more than one route to drive out of the city; streets may be blocked off frequently. And get to know your neighbors so you can help each other and share news. If you park on the street, try to move your car to a friend’s driveway or take it out of the downtown area before protests as well — some cars were burned during T*’s inauguration.
Anon
Yea if I lived in DC I’d definitely try to leave town for a week after the election in November and then again around the time of inauguration. I’d try to take my car and spend a week with a relative if possible.
Anon
1-2 week supply of prescription medication and contact lenses. Anything that you would feel anxious about while away, like your passport. During the George Floyd riots (in my city they were absolutely riots) I packed up for the weekend and figured I’d come back home by Monday. But there were police blocking off traffic, my local grocery stores and pharmacied were looted, and we were scared of violence breaking out again. Assume you won’t immediately be able to access your home again if things are bad enough that you have to leave in the first place.
Anonymous
That reminds me, I should renew my kids passports.
Anon
Yes but why? We can bug out but unless we are tourists, no one wants to let us work overseas and without a job I’m coming back. Plus, kids = school.
Anon
Not the person above, but if the SHTF, jobs and school wouldn’t be the key concerns-staying alive and eeking out a living however possible would be. To be clear, I don’t envision this happening at all in 2025, but as a Jewish person who had most relatives die during the Holocaust, having active passports for everyone has always been the norm even three generations removed. I’ve been surprised in recent conversations with friends how many of them have brought up needing to get their kids passports (they brought it up independently) so observing that this may be more of a common practice in groups where there’s been some family history of needing to get out quickly.
Anonymous
My husband just made appointments to get the kids’passports. He’s really freaking out. He is almost certainly eligible for German citizenship due to German grandparents who had to flee during WWII, and that’s never a path he or his mom have ever been emotionally able to take, but might be necessary now.
Anonymous
Nothing. Get help for your anxiety.
Anonymous
For people outside the DC perimeter, this is probably right — but if you actually live by the Capitol/White House you would be smart to plan for protests/riot activities near you. It actually disrupted our lives last time around, and could be worse next time (Proud Boys attacked a church 1 block from me and marched with guns in front of our preschool).
Anon
+1 this doesn’t seem like unreasonable anxiety to me for someone who lives in DC (I don’t and am not worried)
anon
Even outside DC. I live in Texas and my family is generally concerned about civil unrest. You never know when tensions are running high what will happen.
Anon
I mean I know DC ppl who try to schedule to be out of town during major events just to avoid the traffic, so that seems reasonable.
And having the ability to either stay home self sufficiently (some shelf stable food, prescription medications, etc), or evacuate (know where your documents are, whatever you need to bring with you, transportation plans) is really normal emergency readiness best practice anyway (think earthquake, wildfire, power outage, hurricane).
I hope Trump loses but I don’t think him winning is an existential threat the way some posters do – but this kind of low-key planning doesn’t seem unreasonable at all
Anon
Can anyone speak to what they think are actual likely outcomes if T*ump gets reelected-on day one, a year in, five years in?
anon for this
Read up on Project 2025. It’s all out there for the public to see and understand.
Anon
I have, but am trying to couch that with other people’s responses that it’s all anxiety, the system will hold, etc. etc.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s all anxiety. I think it’s realistic to believe that there are a number of civil rights that Republicans will unwind particularly around trans rights/possibly gay marriage as well as abortion. And I would certainly believe more regulatory/labor rights would be on the chopping block. What I would be most concerned about is the installment of officials who absolutely don’t believe in the value of a functioning government next time versus those who disagree just about the size of government.
Anon
Like we’ve already seen him get elected and it was 4 years of nothing remarkable really. And if he wins, he can’t get a third term. I’d hope that the congress stays divided and then nothing will really change.
Anon
I think the next four years might be ok, especially for people like me who are white and affluent. Although I worry for minorities in the US and for people in places Ukraine and Taiwan, because Vance is even more in bed with dictators than Trump is, if that’s possible.
But in 2028 I fully expect Trump and Vance to steal the election if Democrats win. Vance has made it clear he’d do what Mike Pence wouldn’t, which is presumably a large part of why Trump picked him. So I don’t think saying the end of the democracy is on the horizon is fear-mongering. IMO, the guardrails really started coming down when Mitch McConnell stole Obama’s Supreme Court pick.
Anon
Applied for dual citizenship to an EU country where my grandparents were born. Started the process in 2022 and first available consular appointment is June 2026!
Anon
Any tips for winding down after evening exercise? I play in a tennis league that meets in the evenings and have the hardest time sleeping after matches. I’ve typically avoided exercise in the evening for this reason but obviously can’t control the timing on this.
Anon
A bath. Or you can lean into it and just tackle chores until midnight.
Anon
I’m an evening runner. What works for me:
-Change out of sweaty gear ASAP. If that means changing my t-shirt in the parking lot and then immediately changing shorts/sports bra when I’m home, I do that. Clammy is not your friend.
-Drink cold water and take a cold shower to physically cool your body down. You need to be cool to sleep. Even if you wash your hair in the morning, put it up in a bun and wash the sweat off.
-Yoga.
Anonymous
A good shower and fresh jammies.
Anon
Agree with this. And for me, a boring-ish book, which tends to be non-fiction. Nothing that’s going to keep me up for “just one more chapter” because the plot is so compelling. I’m not say read the dictionary, but I use this kind of reading time for topics that interest me but don’t necessarily prevent sleep.
Anonymous
This might be a good time for melatonin.
Help
I’m a newish mid level manager in the public sector. I manage a team of clerical staff. Most are long stayers (8-10 yrs minimum tenure). We just hired a younger teammate into an open role. They have an exhausting level of interpersonal drama. Like….they are salaried but one will send detailed complaints about a teammate coming in at 8:10 instead of 8:00 (their work doesn’t interact so that the time difference would matter). They do a lot of $hitty reply alls (internal client facing) roasting each other, and are just exhausting and committed to chaos and dysfunction. Direct conversations about this lead to even more resentment/silent treatment. We will struggle to retain any new hire(s) in this environment.
The problem is that it is public sector and work is technically getting done so formal processes/discipline are more challenging than in other places. The other problem is that I am just so slammed and cannot spend multiple hours each day addressing each instance of this behavior and complete the substantive work. I am at my wit’s end.
I welcome any input and advice.
Cat
Start the formal process to get rid of the person!
Cat
oh wait, I’m confused by the pronouns. By “they” do you mean the long-tenured folks and not the new hire? I was reading this thinking you were using “they” to mean the new person but just re-read…
help
OP here. Yes, it’s the long-tenured folks. and they all contribute to the problem multiple times a day.
NaoNao
Cary Tennis advice column had a long-ago column about a very similar situation: Search “Cary Tennis: The Workers I supervise are out of control” and hopefully it will pop up! Essentially it advises taking the time to get to know what motivates each person and trying to work with positive motivators if possible.
Ask a Manager might have some more advice too!
Anon
This sounds very similar to my own job and experience. Remind them that their emails are foia-ble and that you prefer to hear their updates in person. Start a running TEAMS chat so that they can coordinate schedules with each other and hopefully keep it professional. Easier to call out 1:1 when they cross a boundary. And this is still a problem that I’m tacking: remind them that they are a team, so they need to problem solve independently, yes, but to be able to rely on each other to get things done.
anon
I feel for you. “They have an exhausting level of interpersonal drama.” THIS all day. I managed a in-house legal department and the non-lawyer staff were like this. I told our chief legal officer I was an overpriced babysitter and that dealing with the staff was way harder than any actual transaction I worked on. I was never able to tame the drama. I changed seating arrangements, reporting structures, held meetings. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself, don’t bother. Go get a manicure and a massage on your lunch break and let the drama deal with itself.
My husband works in the public sector and has a team of 40. He has this type of drama as well, and he is more tactical about it. He basically allows the drama to work its way up into an HR violation, and then terminates the at fault party. For example, he had two employees tiffing for months, and waited until they were screaming at each other and then one of them said something hateful and he terminated that one (also happened to be the one who did less work and was stirring a lot of drama).
Anonymous
This is funny and slightly evil. Haha!
Usha Vance?
Does anyone have insider info on Usha Vance? I find it super interesting that she went from Yale Law to wife of a Trump VP. I could never get past the ick of that man but she clerked for Kavanaugh so maybe she’s used to dealing with old gross white dudes?
Anon
I don’t know her, but she is still working after 3 kids, so that alone is impressive in my book. No matter how much they outsource (and they don’t have local family or trust funds AFAIK), I feel like it is just hard to keep working when they likely rub a lot of shoulders with rich guys and their tradwives. So I hope she just keeps going about her business and the world leaves her alone.
anonshmanon
I know basically nothing about her, but if they have 3 kids, they have been together for a while. So rather than going from Yale Law to wife o fa Trump VP, she also went through the stages of bestselling author’s wife and senator’s wife.
anon
And I’m betting she doesn’t get nearly enough credit for her own professional accomplishments.
Z
I read an article about her yesterday with endless quotes from Vance about how brilliant and accomplished she is, and how he usually is on the losing end of arguments with her.
I am also completely baffled by the pairing.
Anon
She just resigned from her Big Law job, but yes she was a working mom for quite a few years.
Anon
Sadly, I think you have to because it’s too disruptive to stay. Michelle Obama was at Sidley and then in-house and later resigned. She also had a lot of help from her mom in the White House years.
Anon
Even aside from having kids, you basically have to resign because of the conflicts of interest inherent in being the VP’s spouse. Kamala Harris’s husband did the same thing.
Anon
Yeah you have to resign. It wasn’t a criticism of her.
Anonymous
Her firm billed itself as ‘radically progressive’ so not sure there are a lot of tradwives. I think she quit now but fair point that a legal practice and 3 little kids is tough no matter how much childcare you can pay for.
Anon
My neighbor has 3 kids and a nanny. She doesn’t work, much less work in BigLaw.
Anon
I suspect he made a lot of money from his book. May not be trust fund money, but enough to outsource a lot of house work
anonymous
You’re racist.
Anonymous
Because I think Trump and Kavanaugh are old gross white dudes? That’s just facts.
anon
We’re all racists.
Anecdata
She and Vance met in law school, and he hasn’t been so Through Trumpy for very long. IIRC (and it’s been a while since I read it!), he talked in Hillbilly Elegy about for wanting to be in a successful relationship with her was a motivating factor in his decision to get some therapy and start processing his difficult childhood
Anon
For for her, I feel that it must cut against the grain for someone who went to Yale for undergrad to date someone who enlisted out of high school and then went to Ohio State. My state U degree was practically scoffed at when I worked with a bunch of former SCOTUS clerks.
Anon
While I can’t stand him and know virtually nothing about her, I do feel bad for hoe racist MAGA twitter has been towards the family since the VP announcement. Nobody deserves that!
Anonymous
They don’t deserve it, but they had to expect it. Vance is fully aware of who he’s in bed with. Just a few years ago it was he who was calling out the terrible racism and trashing Trump. Then he decided to put all of his morals and objections aside to cash in and went full Trump. He is also pretending to be a Christian to fit in with his new friends. It’s brazenly opportunistic and I hope he never sleeps a wink again, that his wife leaves him, and that his children come to despise him for exposing them to this and for working daily to make the country unwelcoming to them.
He gave his speech before a crowd holding signs saying “Mass Deportation Now” that his own campaign designed, bought, and distributed. You think people holding those signs really care to distinguish between citizens and the undocumented when they make the sweeps to “cleanse the blood” of this country?
Anon
You sound like such a lovely person. Maybe calm down. Nobody is lobbying to deport legal immigrants. If you can’t see the difference between legal immigration and what is happening at the Mexican border (now “border”), you’re just not looking.
Anon
Mass deporting “illegal immigrants” would be a tragic disaster for communities all over the country.
Cerulean
As someone whose spouse has a green card, seeing the “mass deportation now” and hearing “calm down” feels so dismissive. Renewal isn’t guaranteed. As a high school administrator, I am so concerned for the wellbeing of my undocumented students. Many of them have been here most or all of their lives.
The MASS DEPORTATIONS NOW signs from today don’t exactly engender confidence that Republicans will act in good faith.
Anonymous
Right. It is their lack of documents that presents the threat that they will sully American blood.
Anon
And I really feel for how the right is treating their biracial children with Indian names
Anonymous
Is there anyone less important than the VPs spouse?
Anon
it is almost like the rhetoric on the right about “traditional” family values with respect to marriage, family and reproductive rights is completely out of touch with the lives they actually lead. (I love the anti-divorce position coming from Trump supporters).
Also, in my experience very, very few “rich guys” are actually married to “trad wives”. They marry highly educated and accomplished women who sometimes take a step back in their own careers to support their spouses’ rise to power.
Anonymous
I think Vance is the origin point of the anti-divorce rhetoric. He suggested women shouldn’t be breaking their vows over things like domestic violence.
Anon
Yup, he said women should stay in violent marriages for the kids.
Anonymous
This feels like the answer to ‘tell me you hit your wife without telling me you hit your wife’
anon
No insider info, just read an article that said the pairing between her and Vance was unlikely. Truly, opposites attract.
As a working mom of 3 myself, I find her impressive. I hate it when a single neighbor noses in my family business and makes a catty comment, so I don’t even know how she copes with the lack of privacy she now has.
Anonymous
Having grown up in a rural red state in the South, I think the answer is that her beliefs always aligned with theirs. It’s usually not more complicated than that.
Super Anon
Asking this because of so many lawyers on this site, and plenty of professional women who might have similar experiences.
I’m a company director in England and I feel I’ve been unfairly treated by a white middle aged incompetent colleague who I believe has retaliated against me, and a boss who has not supported me in dealing with a very difficult work environment. I have just less than 6 months with the company. Can I go on sick leave due to the stress I’m experiencing? I’d like to be able to address my mental health after such a difficult period, and job search on my own terms so I can find an employer with a sound culture. Ive been offered pay in lieu of notice but it’s a tough market to get a senior role, and will take more like 6-12 months. They have been inflexible worth their offer and said they would rescind it if I don’t accept. Can I take sick leave for a few months and get the support I need so I can pick up my career elsewhere? What are my other options and things to consider?
Senior Attorney
Yikes not in the UK so can’t really help substantively. But if I were in your shoes I would probably lawyer up and have an attorney negotiate the terms of my separation from the company. I’m sorry this is happening to you!
OP
This is good advice. Is there anything in particular I should tell an attorney? Is a regular employment attorney appropriate?
Anonymous
You’ll get better advice if you talk to a UK lawyer, most people here are US based and so we don’t know what the legal protections or work culture are like in the UK. If you were in the US I would tell you you’re out of your mind if you think the company is going to pay you for months of “sick” leave when they’re already showing you the door. You’re not sick, you’re just trying to use mental health as an excuse to get the cushy severance you want. Your question is so out of touch with US work norms that I question whether you’re a reliable narrator. But maybe things are vastly different in the UK.
anon
Yeah, talk to someone in the UK. I’m in Canada in the public sector and what you are saying would likely be entertained if you have a doctor’s note to support the mental health concern. Frankly, having a doctor’s note would make it harder to terminate you, period, from my organization.
Mental health is health.
Anon
Can an employee in England with less than 2 years service, take long term sick leave for stress? If so does it need to be work related?
Anonymous
You need to look at your company policies and contract. You can go on sick leave for mental health. The legal starting point is four days of sickness and then an employer can pay statutory sick pay, which is very low. You may be entitled to more contractually but it might be based on length of service. (Source: not a lawyer or HR, but I do have a senior position in a small UK charity where I oversee our policies on these things.)