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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
OK folks, we’re about to enter our third (!) season of working remotely. What are we wearing?
I’m grabbing some new sweater jackets to be worn with T-shirts/blouses and leggings through the fall and winter. They’re cozy, but still professional-looking; comfy, but not sloppy. This version from Talbots comes in a wide range of sizes and, in addition to navy, comes in black, olive, and khaki.
The jacket is $169 and comes in regular sizes XS–XL, petite sizes P–XL, plus sizes 0X–3X, and plus petite 0x–3X. Milano Stitch Sweater Jacket
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Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Mid-rise jeans for pears
Any good current recommendations for mid-rise jeans for pears? Current jeans (circa 2010?) are too snug and it’s time to reshop. Prior ones were from Gap when they had a dedicated curvy cut.
Randomly, we have a freestanding Marine Layer store and I am going to check out the Alison pants later today to see if they are pear-friendly. They are pull-on elastic waist pants that seem cute (and maybe not as confining as some trimmer fit pants from Loft or my former BR Sloanes (not awesome on pears but tolerable, but my iteration weren’t machine washable)).
Parabeagle
I really like American Eagle jeans. They have curvy fits and different rises/lengths!
Vicky Austin
Me too! A holdover from my teen/college years, but they’re still doing the job just fine.
CountC
+4 they have always fit me the best off the rack out of any moderately priced jeans.
Anna
Also here to vouch for American Eagle jeans! I don’t wear jeans often, but I had your exact situation last year, and my last pair of 2010 jeans had given up on me. I ended up going for the AE curvy hi-rise jeans, got them in light, medium and dark blue, chose the styles with no rips, streaks, or distress. Super comfortable, 40-50$ a pair, often BOGO sales, no complaints a year into wearing them. Hopefully they can last for another decade! :)
Anonymous
Quick note about marine layer. I went to a store a month ago and the fitting rooms were closed. You can try on in the main part of the store, so treat it like a sample sale where you need to try on in front of people.
Anonymous
Good to know — how do their pants run? For a 6/8 pear, would that be a medium? Large?
Anon
Probably a large, I would guess?
Anon
Late to this but I think a size 6-8 being a large is really sad.
I took home ec way back in the day, and Small was 6-8, Medium 10-12, Large 14-16.
Anonyz
Joe’s Jeans Honey cut.
Anonymous
Will you please report back on the Marine Layer pants? Their ads have been stalking me.
Anonanonanon2
I’m a pear (and agree, sloans were tolerable but as good as it was gonna get haha) and I wear madewell curvy jeans with success. I’m a “skinny pear” but still find the curvy fit way more comfortable.
Anon
I have the Alison pants. I’m not a pear though. They are super comfy. I used to wear them to work in before times with flats or heels just to have an alternative pair of black pants.
There’s something I can’t quite put my finger on but I don’t *love* them. Which is probably more of a me thing and realizing I am just a fitted pant kind of gal. In normal times I struggled with what casual shoes to wear with them in non-Summer months (I personally think they look weird with booties and sneakers because of how cropped they are on me, but again I think that is mostly a me thing). Overall, I just never wear them and think *damn, I look good!*, but they do the job fine.
Anon
I’m not a pear, but have the Alison pants. I’m usually a 6 or 8 in pants and got them in medium. They fit fine everywhere but my calves. I have probably proportionally larger calves than most, and they get a little stuck there and then ride up. So every time I stand up I have to pull them down off my calves. They’re really great otherwise and they’d be totally perfect for me if the bottom parts of the leg were roomier.
City chick
Everlane cheeky. They also have a curvy fit.
This jacket
I would so love this if it didn’t have lapels. Just a V neck would have made it perfect for me :(
Ellen
These long sweater jackets are good for people who have to be in rooms that are to cold for them and these cover their tuchuses (tuchii) so that they do not get cold. However, since I live alone in an apartement where I control the a/c, having the long sweater just gets in the way and when I sit down, it pulls the sweater downward making it look on Webex that it is to small for me. Since no one can see the full sweater on Webex, I come off looking like I am wearing a sweater that is to small on me. So I recommend that for Webex (or Zoom) calls, that you be careful about wearing any tops that tend to pull backwards, exposing more of your frontal area then necessary, as you do not want to draw people’s attention away from your face downward to your breasts unnecessarily.
Anon
I kind of like the lapels for zoom. It’s like a secret pajama blazer
Coach Laura
It would look just like a jacket on zoom. I have two of these in the shorter jacket length and love them. If not working from home, I’d get another. As it is, I’ll never wear all my clothes, which is sad for me.
Abby
Looking for recommendations for men’s joggers that are comfy, but still look nice and/or a professional work backpack for men. DH’s birthday is coming up this month! Looking to spend ~$200 overall
ANON
My husband likes his Bonobos ones a lot.
J
Herschel backpack. The husband and I both have Herschel gym bags (ha, remember the gym?) and they wear like iron.
Ellen
I am not sure about men’s joggers (suggest you go to Modell’s), but if you want to do something cute for yourself and your man simultaneously, I suggest you make note that September 7 is National Salami Day, which is a day to honor all cured meats! Yay!
In your case, the best way to get to your husband’s heart, and other regions on his special day, is to get him some great salami that you both can enjoy. I read today that Ben’s Deli in NY is celebrating by giving away a free “Naughty Nightie t-shirt” for any customer who purchases a pound each of soft and hard salami. Not sure if you have one near you, but even if you don’t have a man now to model it, I am becoming proactive in the bedroom. I will buy the salami’s now and bring them home for my family over the holidays, and I can get the free Naughty Nighty t-shirt! That way when I do find a man worthy bringing into my bedroom, I will have something very cute and salami-oriented to wear, and celebrate National Salami Day with him. I hope and pray this will occur b/f the end of 2020! Doubel YAY!!
Cb
My husband has a Timbuk2 that he has carried every day for 5 years and it still looks new.
Ribena
I have the Herschel Little America pack and it’s worn like iron – I love the laptop padding and zipper outer pocket. The lack of water bottle slot on the outside does annoy me though.
Anon
I love everything Ibex has ever made, though I haven’t purchased any of the new stuff (the old stuff is nearly indestructible, fits well and is incredibly comfortable.
https://ibex.com/collections/mens-bottoms
Anon
American Giant for joggers
Coffee Slurper
Hi! I recommend Kit and Ace joggers and Chrome Industry backpacks. I sent you some links in yesterday’s post. My SO has both, they are super durable and functional while still looking good. (I have my own lady versions of these products too and can recommend them as well, though I know you are not looking for that.)
Abby
thank you for this update! I never checked back on yesterday’s post because I figured I posted too late. I am looking for my own joggers too, but birthday takes priority (:
Thanks all for your suggestions! I’ve been checking them out all morning and will order this weekend.
Scottie
My husband has joggers from Under Armour and lives in them on the weekends in the fall and winter. Highly recommend!
City chick
Outdoor Voices cloudknit joggers
Anon
Best running shorts for curves? I need a zip pocket, 5 inch inseam, and comfy! Bonus if I can buy from REI.
Anonymous
North Face Aphrodite in 6″ inseam are my dream shorts. I am a pear. I own 3 sets and would love more.
Pink
I like Aphrodites, especially for the price, but I was disappointed they aren’t lined. I prefer Oiselle’s Long Rogas and Banana Split Rogas. They both have at least one zipper pocket. Thanks to the person who recommended them on here several weeks ago! I still love them – am actually wearing the Long Rogas right now!
Anon
How’s the sizing on the Rogas? The size chart at REI only goes up to 12, but I’m not sure if I need 12 or 14 (they sell both). I typically need to size up in bottoms due to a big butt, but I don’t want to be swimming in them either!
Pink
For me, the Long Rogas ran TTS. I probably needed to size up in the Original Rogas (as their web site recommends), but I just flat didn’t like them so I returned instead. I have a definted waist and a booty but the Long Rogas and Banana Split Rogas have plenty of coverage for me in the back (I squat in them).
Anon
Do you have a link? I’m having trouble finding any in a 6-inch inseam. It looks like the model may have been updated or maybe even discontinued?
Pink
Long Rogas https://www.oiselle.com/products/long-roga-shorts?_pos=1&_sid=62ac49b40&_ss=r&variant=32549861556309
After googling, I realize you probably mean the Aphrodites. Looks like those are no longer available. Hopefully they remake them.
Anon
Thank you! Left you a comment about sizing above too…
Anon
If you’re willing to use deep cell phone pockets instead of zip pockets, Bend Active Victory shorts are great. Beware that they run small; reference the sizing chart.
Coffee Slurper
I got a pair from Athleta (women’s mesh racer short) that are 4” so a bit short for you but good for curvy bottoms and there is a zipper pocket that fits my (admittedly small) iPhone SE. Loved them so much I got a second pair.
Elegant Giraffe
Was coming here to rec exactly the same product – the mesh racer run short.
Anonymous
If you’re up for a fitted short, I really like the Oiselle pocket jogger and long pocket jogger. Super comfortable, don’t ride up, lots of pockets (including a large zip pocket on the back of the waistband).
SmallLawAtl
I wear the Oiselle Long Roga and the Long Flyout. I love both. I find they run TTS, maybe even a bit roomy. Maybe size down only if you’re truly between sizes. Both have zip pockets. The Roga has two, one in the back, where I put my key, and one on the side, where I stick my MP3 player. It is probably big enough for a phone, but I sweat way too. much to run with a phone, so I’m not the best source for that info. The Flyout only has one side pocket. It is made from a very slightly different fabric than the Roga, but both are great (and lined).
Any more good COVID research articles?
In early spring, there seemed to be a ton of good current COVID research articles that were mentioned and easily found through the news headlines in the morning news. Now, I just am not seeing any. Maybe everyone is racing to get a vaccine out? I feel like my knowledge stopped and now it’s just at a state of “masks good; outside good; 6 feet isn’t a magic distance.”
Anon
There is tons of CV19 research. Am overwhelming amount. A PubMed search shows that there is > 50K articles published. Regular news is not the best place to look for medical research.
FormerlyPhilly
+1
And even when it’s in the news, (most) journalists botch the clinical significance and translation to public health.
Anon
+1 for botched vulgarisations.
Anon
Yes!! I work in healthcare, specifically clincial research, and the vast majority of news reports on research totally miss the mark. It’s best to go straight to the source, but it is hard for non-medical people to interprete clinical research (honestly it is hard for a lot of medical people to do it). So if you are getting your info from elsewhere make sure you vet the person explaining the research. There is a lot of bad info out there.
anonshmanon
Medical research publications are not exactly written to be understood by the general public. Ed Yong continues to write up the current state of knowledge in long pieces for the Atlantic. Any time one of his articles comes out, the doctors and scientists in my Twitter bubble retweet and highlight the great research and writing in Ed’s pieces.
anon
In case anyone is interested, I took a Coursera class called “Understanding Medical Research: Your Facebook Friend is Wrong” earlier this year and highly recommend it.
Anonymous
This is helpful — news random non-scientists can use.
Microbiologist
I second Ed Yong’s work. He’s been doing great writing about about microbiology for years, but his work on covid has been truly fantastic. Roxanne Khamsi is a freelancer, but has had some really good pieces in Wired also. Follow those two on Twitter and you’ll see a lot of really good science writing and much better interpretation than what you get in the general news.
PolyD
Also the website The Scientist has good information about COVID written in lay language.
Anon
I kind of agree with OP although admittedly I haven’t spent a ton of time on it. Like, I tried to search for the updated estimated overall mortality rate and there was like nothing in my couple page google search more recent than a couple of months.
Anonymous
Try the subReddit that’s /Covid-19. Not the /coronavirus one, which is for general consumption
Anonymous
If you’re on instagram, I like following kinggutterbaby. She’s an infectious disease researcher at Emory and frequently posts videos explaining the latest in COVID-19.
Anonymous
How are you handling discussions about Covid with people who are clearly misinformed? I don’t just mean scrolling by on Facebook. That is easy. I mean people in your real life who actively communicate misinformation to you. I have a sort of second family who are undereducated. The mother and I had a text exchange in which she pleaded with me not to wear a mask because breathing your own air is harmful, begged me not to get a test or vaccine because I would leave infected, and contested the idea the virus is airborne and communicated in gatherings like funerals because she has been to two funerals (one Covid-related!). She has Covid in her immediate circles. I don’t want to be condescending, but I was shocked and now I am concerned about the entire family. (I was also shocked by a neighbor who, last week, was met with surprise (but earnest interest) by my casual and light-hearted advice to stay out of crowds. I thought this was widespread common knowledge even among the undereducated.)
Anonymous
“None of that aligns with any scientific research I’ve seen.” “I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this with you, it makes me worried and upset.” And then refuse to discuss it or see them.
Anonymous
Sorry. This was a nesting fail. I did not mean to hijack another thread, but I am looking for thoughts.
No Face
There is a lot of aggressive misinformation out there unfortunately. I would use simple, direct phrases and change the subject. “Hmmm, surgeons wear masks for 10 hours straight. I think that’s just a rumor on the internet.”
Anonymous
Thanks. I had not thought of this very good example. I am definitely going to use it. What I have said so far is: There is a lot of confusing information and misinformation out there. I am not a doctor, so I turned to my friends in the medical community. They all said JHU is the best source of information. I am trusting them, so I am getting my information from JHU.
It’s so frustrating to me because this is a person who is spending a lot of energy trying to educate herself on this, but trusting all the wrong sources. This is a big family with lots of interactions, with each other and I am sure with people outside the family. I guess I won’t be seeing any of them in person any time soon.
(P.S. The picture of Pelosi not wearing her mask during a hair service is not helping me counter the argument “the ones saying to wear a mask aren’t wearing masks.”)
Anonymous
Agree with this approach. My mom isn’t a MAGA by any means but also has always had an ostrich with its head in the sand approach to any news she doesn’t like. So when I see her eat take out and not wash her hands first and she says things like “Oh, they found surfaces are fine.” I’ll mention how hand sanitizer is next to the cashier..I wonder why? They keep saying wash your hands and don’t touch your face–I think that shows there is still something to it still.” It’s not easy though. And I still don’t know if it is getting through.
anon
PLEASE correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought they really did find that surfaces aren’t that concerning. I still take basic precautions (wash my hands when I get home and use hand sanitizer when I’ve been in public (but not perfectly compliant) but I also don’t worry about wiping down groceries or my phone everytime I come home. (Though I did get a UVC “chamber” early on and use it every day or so for my phone and other hard objects that I carry with me outside my home.)
Anon
They found surfaces are not the common form of transmission, aerosolized droplets are, but surface risk is still there.
Quail
You need to listen to TWIV! This Week in Virology. Podcast. It’s AMAZING and is exactly the sort of pick-me-up I need. A lot of it is way over my head science-wise, but it sure makes me feel better to hear scientists talking about the research. It’s like I know someone out there is working on this and progress is being made. The “clinical updates” – for bedside physicians, not research doctors – are also helpful on the practical front. It’s long but the clinical updates are usually at the beginning.
I’m a TWIV evangelist and I’m not even a little bit sorry :)
Quail
Also, I follow a number of scientists and Covid reporters on Twitter – Andy Slavitt, Michael Mena, Nahid Bhadelia, Linsey Marr.
anonshmanon
I follow Bob Wachter, he has been insightful!
anon
Follow Bob Wachter on Twitter – he’s the chair of UCSF dept of medicine, and will tweet links to really good articles and research.
Moonstone
JAMA is a good source for this and has all the articles in one place: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/pages/coronavirus-alert. Also, there are lots of recent interviews here by the JAMA editors: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/pages/covid-19-interviews
Anon
This one’s encouraging. https://elemental.medium.com/a-supercomputer-analyzed-covid-19-and-an-interesting-new-theory-has-emerged-31cb8eba9d63
Anon
I tinnk article like this are an issue. This is a theory proposed by someone who is a computational biologist not a physician. Looking at the authors there is only one that looks like they have an applicable background (Internal Medicine). It was not published in a top tier journal (iLife, then Medium).
Coach Laura
I subscribe to alerts for medical professionals, get articles on covid daily. It beats having to rely on mainstream news.
Here’s one from today: https://www.statnews.com/2020/09/02/covid19-steroids-reduce-deaths-of-hospitalized-patients-who-analysis-confirms/
Coach Laura
This is tangential to this question, but previous posts have wondered how vaccines will be distributed. This article talks about this planning phase and says that doctors, nurses and first responders will receive it first, followed by those with comorbidities and nursing home patients, followed more generally by teachers, prisoners and grocery workers. https://www.medpagetoday.com/infectiousdisease/covid19/88404
Escape Hatch
Suggestions for a new wifi router that should cover the whole house? The one provided by the cable company isn’t cutting it anymore. My TVs have no problem connecting but other devices are struggling to stay connected, especially on the second floor. I tried an extender but I’m not impressed.
Cat
We have had better luck with the extenders that plug into electrical outlets and somehow – through magic – use your house’s power lines to transmit wired connectivity to each other. Far better than boosters that pick up just the existing WiFi and spread WiFi.
Cat
Why did this go to mod lol?
No Face
I am also a big fan of wifi extenders. They are available at Best Buy, Target, etc.
Anon
A mesh system such as eero. I love it and apparently it works much better than an extender.
Anon
We have eeros throughout our house. They work well. I think they amplify our cable provided router? I could be wrong.
Any other info I would have to ask IT (my husband), I have already now said everything I know about them.
Anonymous
Ha!
Anon
Actually, I do know one more thing about them, if it helps. We learned that somewhat counterintuitively (to me at least) you don’t want the eeros too far apart from each other as they play off of each other. So, like, we would have thought maybe putting one at one end of the house and another at another end of the house would be good to cover the whole house, but you actually should in this scenario put one at one end of the house and then put the other in the middle of the house so it feeds better off the initial eero but still projects further into the house.
The original Scarlett
We use google WiFi extenders in a daisy chain style to get coverage through the house (old plaster walls =/= using one router)
BB
Another +1 for mesh system. Much better than extenders – with extenders, your device has to reconnect to the separate network created by the extender. With mesh, it’s one seamless network.
anon.dmv
Pricey, but I recommend google nest wifi + two “points” for a large house. Mine pings enough connection for 2 floors and a basement unit in a house with 15+ devices. Bonus points toward the google home app, which allows you to see connected devices and set priority devices.
Anonymous
Another rec for a mesh system. I imagine that all of them have this feature, but whit our google system, we have two networks – regular, and guest. Also, if someone is actually a guest at our home and wants to connect to wifi, a message pops up on our screen and we can just send them the password without having to tell them the network and password specifically.
Anon
Second a mesh system. I have orbi. Very easy to set up, covers my 3-storey house with no drop in wifi signal strength or speed throughout. Tried a couple of different range extenders and the improvement was barely discernible, returned both.
Anonymous
We also have orbi. I swear it randomly drops sometimes, but husband has no such problems, so it may just be an issue with my laptop.
Anon
I would recommend a Netgear Nighthawk router, it should be a big improvement over a router provided by your cable company. Extender performance is not good. I personally have my house wired with Ubiquiti Wired APs – would recommend those if you are comfortable setting up networking equipment but they’re probably not for someone who is not tech savvy. The other options are mesh systems like Eero, Orbi, and the Google Mesh wifi system – they will work better than an extender but may not be as speedy as the other options (though you probaby won’t really notice).
Anonymous
We use a Linksys that we purchased from Costco. No problems in whole house, yard and into garage. It is dual band which means you can access at both 5ghz and 2.5ghz. Also has an app that enables parental controls and even allows for remote blocking of specific devices from the network (if for example child has not done chores but is logged into tv/ computer–can turn off the net!).
Anon
Go mesh or go home.
But seriously we had a series of those individual extenders and they were complete garbage compared to the mesh.
The difference is that your extended signal is a fraction of the original, even when optimally connected. The idea behind mesh is that the signal strength is the same everywhere. We’ve done speed tests and it’s pretty close to the truth.
Also, when you wander around the house with your phone, you don’t have to reconnect like you do with extenders. The mesh is seamless.
We have google mesh but other vendors like net gear make them too.
Comfort level?
If you had a tween who had been on lockdown since March and was at a new school (where all other kids in the grade are new), would you let your kid visit a friend outside to 1) walk to a neighborhood ice cream store (kids will not go in; parent will go in, get and pay) and 2) watch TV on an outside screened porch with a ceiling fan (perhaps with occasional trips inside to kitchen/bathroom)? House is large suburban house with yard, occupied by 4 people who are 99% of the time at home but for walks and grocery runs (so my preception is low risk). Not in a hotspot.
Will keep TV porch to 2 kids total.
Also, could offer to drive, but not sure if parents are cool with carpooling (could do with AC on and windows down) or would need to drive their own kid to/fro.
Anonymous
I have a 13-year-old high school freshman. I would not permit either of the gatherings you suggest. I have been allowing a few small, socially distanced outdoor gatherings with masks and adult supervision.
Anonymous
Am I reading it wrong? The ice cream walk sounds parentally supervised, to me. I would do that, masked on the way there with adult supervision.
Anon at 9:32
The walk would be fine with me, but not the ice cream part.
Anonymous
We’re shutting down ice cream shops now? Why?
Anonymous
@11:03. No, obviously you’re unmasked to eat and kids will probably talk to each other then, etc
LaurenB
They couldn’t sit 6 feet apart on picnic blankets and eat their ice cream? They aren’t going to be spitting at each other.
I’m very cautious. I also have periodically walked with a friend – 6 feet apart – to a coffee shop to pick up coffee (ordered and brought outside, low/no contact).
Anonymous
Yes 100%. Me and my kids are all seeing friends. Just one or two each, outside. I would also just send the kids to the store alone and let them go in and pay.
If you’re trying to set this up I think it’s totally fine to just ask the parent “hey Sophie would love to hang out with Julie but I wanted to check in and make sure you were comfortable. I was thinking they could walk and get ice cream or hang on our screened porch?”
Anonymous
I would have given them cash in prior times. IDK that stores will let tweens use a card that obviously isn’t theirs. Was thinking I’d go so they didn’t have issues using my card and to keep it all contactless/cashless. So many details to think through!
anon
Yes, absolutely.
Anne
Yes – we are overall cautious and I would allow that after a conversation with parents about their own risk taking.
Anon
No. Kids are bad at social distancing, esp. tweens to teens. Cannot tell you how many clusters of tweens and teens we see just on our neighborhood walks, no masks in sight, super close to each other, and clearly not in a household.
Anonymous
This. If you’re not supervising your tweens and teens to ensure they they stay outdoors, distanced, and masked, you are contributing to the spread of COVID and you are the reason why school can’t open safely.
Signed, mom of a teenager
Anonymous
Hopefully OP your kids are trying to befriend children with normal parents who are going to be capable of just saying “sorry that doesn’t work for us but I’d be cool with them hanging out on separate picnic blankets in the yard with supervision” and not this self-righteous piece of work who is going to accuse you of being Satan!
Anonymous
Maybe I am Satan? HAHAHA — all of those people protesting the Great Satan when I was a kid and now I have grown up to be her. Soon I will order up the murder hornets — for some reason, they have not materialized yet.
Anonymous
We all have a right to be angry that people haven’t been willing to do what it takes to stop the spread of COVID. If we had all just actually stayed home for a couple of months, OP’s kids would be able to go to school and socialize safely and she wouldn’t even be asking this question.
Anonymous
I guess you can get mat at the people doing 90% of what they should be doing instead of 100%, but IMO the real problem is with the people doing 0%, 50%, etc. Me going from 90% to 100% is not going to undo what the 0%-50% people do.
Anon
Sorry, 10:31. You are delusional. You are absolutely part of the problem.
Anonymous
Maybe this person is a part of the problem, but I see it as a very small part of the problem. And certainly not delusional. More like “willing to accept a non-zero risk.”
Cat
Yep.
No Face
I would allow 2) with mask wearing inside the house. This is essentially how I socialize now, except I don’t have an outdoor TV.
Anon
Same here. Screen porches for the win!
Anon
i’d maybe skip the ice cream part and just do watching tv outside with masks and no food
Anonymous
I think it depends on the family you ask.
In our family, yes. But we are also allowing our kids to do indoor gymnastics, Indoor and outdoor tennis, and outdoor soccer. We are low risk and live in an area of MA with about a .8% positivities rate. Our last 3 cases have been in nursing homes in town.
Anon
Given the incredibly high instances of covid teen pregnancies I would not trust teens to socially distance.
Anonymous
I kind of joked about this at the beginning (adults divorced, teens pregnant 9 months after lockdown). Not pleased that it is coming to pass; also really, really, really not surprised since there is no let-up for grownups with jobs, WFH may be barely tolerated if a daycare closes or you have small kids, but if you have kids who are 12+, you can’t claim to your job that they “need” you at home. Obvs the may benefit from parental or adult supervision in significant life-changing ways (or have life changes without it), but who hires a nanny for a non-special needs teen?
Anon
Are there stats on this? I was curious so I searched but couldn’t find anything.
Aunt Jamesina
Yeah, everything I’m seeing is about Kenya and Malawi or just general speculation or fear about the possibility.
Carmen Sandiego
I would say yes. It’s not no-risk, but it does sound low risk, and also sounds like it would be high-value to your tween who probably needs some social connections. For me, that combination makes it ok.
Anon
Mom of a 14-year-old son here. We would be fine with those things. My son has done two meetups in the park with one friend at a time in the last month or so (both meetups involved watergun fights so nothing where they spent extended time close to each other; we also have to wear masks in public 100% of the time in our area, so they were masked other than when they were drinking water). Data is pretty clear that outdoor transmission is not a thing. People basically have to be in each other’s close airspace, unmasked, talking for a long time to transmit Covid to each other outside. On the porch TV-watching I would just position their seating so they’re more than 6 feet away from each other and encourage them to keep masks on, and definitely put a mask on if they go in the house. But both those activities seem low-risk to me and I would 100% let my son do them.
SC
Yes, I would allow both of these things. I would not offer to drive unless it appears to be the reason the other kid can’t get together.
anon
I have an 11 year old, and I would do ice cream (masks there, sit apart with masks off to eat), and I’d prefer TV outdoors. FWIW, my kids have been biking outdoors with their friends, masks on (I spot check them and also the masks come back smelling disgusting), and they are very good about it. So I’d say depends on your kid. No cars.
Anon
Yes
Coach Laura
Yes to both, unless other family members who live in the house are at superhigh risk.
Anon.
I have two kids and would be 100% fine with both of these. YMMV but our pediatrician basically told us YES to outdoor things like this.
anon
what are small changes/discoveries that you’ve made recently that made an outsized impact on your life?
I discovered oil cleanser from one of the threads on here about “things I wish I knew earlier,” and it’s amazing! My skin is so much better and actually gets clean without irritating scrubbing, and I also added an inexpensive vitamin C serum that together have really been a game changer.
What else am I missing?
Vicky Austin
OK, I might be the last person in the world to realize this, but last night I buttoned the buttons on our comforter cover before putting it in the washer, and you know that thing where the pillowcases always get inside of it and get all twisted up into a big sopping ball of sadness? DID NOT HAPPEN. Might be a fluke, definitely obvious, but it was so nice to just put it all in the dryer!!
NY CPA
WHOA. Mind blown. Why didnt this occur to me?
Anon
hahaha to “big sopping ball of sadness.” You have a way with words! Love that phrase.
Anonymous
I have been making simple syrup to put in my cold-brew coffee instead of sugar. No more gritty coffee!
Anonanonanon2
Ooooo I have simple syrup I made for a cocktail in my fridge! I should put it in my iced coffee, thank you!
Is it Friday yet?
I use maple syrup in my cold brew, it’s delicious.
anon
I recently started using castile soap to clean my house and I’m amazed at how well it works on every single surface.
Anonymous
I’m like that, but with blue Dawn, diluted ammonia, and diluted vinegar. One of the three will get the job done.
Anon
Same but add Bon Ami.
anon
I learned “run the dishwasher even if it’s not totally full” from a similar thread geared towards cleaning a few years ago and what a difference it makes in my ability to run my house! I’m single, don’t cook a lot, and live in a small apartment, so I was running out of certain dishes/hand washing frequently used things/letting them stay dirty for longer than necessary because I hate hand washing. I was really surprised by how big the impact was even though it seems like a tiny thing.
Cb
Yep, if the dishwasher is only 75% full at night, we run it anyways. It’s a small European dishwasher so it doesn’t take much to fill it up, and we can easily do 2 loads a day on the weekends. Nothing more annoying than trying to make breakfast in my tiny kitchen when there are leftover pans from the night before.
Anonanonanon2
I’ve started doing that with laundry and it has made a world of difference on staying on top of things. I telework in our basement where the laundry is, so throwing in a partial load every day is no big deal and now laundry doesn’t take up my whole weekend
Abby
I started doing this too! Monday and Thursday I do laundry, no matter what.
anon
Yep, frequent laundry is key to staying on top of it. I am also much better at folding/sorting/putting away small loads, as opposed to a giant mound of clothes.
Anon
Yep. Every night run the dishwasher. Unload it in the am while the tea kettle is coming up to temp. It’s like brushing your teeth. A good habit that is not hard to establish.
Anon
Well, it’s not that small, but some of the posts here about diet culture have made me rethink a few things in my own life. I’m realizing that I’ve been using whole30 as yet another diet (but I always called it a “protocol”) in a long line of diets and I don’t think it’s making me happy. I don’t think this is going to be an overnight process for me but I’m starting to make some changes. I just want to think about things other than food. I think the pandemic and being trapped inside more has made me realize just how much time I have been spending on my diet in the last 10 years.
Monday
Awesome! And yes, it’s a gradual process.
Anon
Diet culture is toxic.
Anon
Same. Stopping the diet cycle helped me a lot (and it helps daily, so the impact feels significant).
BeenThatGuy
Good for you! When I stopped dieting, the constant noise in my head about food started to become quieter. What a true blessing it was for me.
anonymous who’d like to think she looks 10 years younger
Since I’m WFH, and my daytime sun exposure is minimal, I’ve been applying retinol every morning. Amazing results. And since I could never figure out the way to do a skincare routine at night (retinol, nighttime moisturizer, etc), I’m going to keep my retinol routine for daytime and find a good moisturizer routine for night (when it’s not 4,000% humidity).
IL
I did this too! Retinol in the morning, when I’m not too exhausted to attempt an effort at multi-product skincare.
Cb
Not the most budget friendly option but we’ve done all our shopping since lockdown at our small local farm shop, supplemented with a weekly delivery from a local restaurant supplier. It is so much easier to shop when you have 2 types of pasta sauce, 6 types of cereal, whatever fruit and veg is seasonal. You don’t compare prices and quantities, you just buy what is on the shelf. And since we do all our shopping there, the staff know us and will stock things we ask about/like, throw anything that needs using or with damaged packaging in our box.
No Face
After my kids go to bed, I spend about 15 minutes straightening up and setting up for the next day. I pick up stuff, vacuum the area rug, grind the coffee, make bottles of formula. It makes SUCH a difference to wake up to a neat living space.
I have semi-regular insomnia and I listen to audiobook novels from the library on my headphones. If I fall asleep, great! If I don’t, I’m enjoying a nice novel while resting my eyes.
Anon Probate Atty
Along the same lines, I wake up early each morning, run the Roomba, and straighten up the kitchen, living room, water the plants, etc. It’s so much easier to clean/straighten when I’m the only one up, and no one is annoyed by the sound of the Roomba. Plus I can go to bed early the night before without guilt.
SSJD
I learned about a small device that fills your tires while showing you the pressure so you can stop when it’s at the pressure target. It is about the size of a toaster and plugs into the cigarette lighter in my car. (When will we stop calling those cigarette lighters?) This is such a great little machine! Now I don’t dread filling my tires and I don’t overfill.
Tea/Coffee
Buying multiples of things that aren’t going to go bad. I needed new running shoes, desperately, and instead of in-person shopping (so depressing bc I have very weird feet), I read a ton of reviews and ordered three pairs online, with the intention of probably needing to return 2-3 that didn’t fit. Surprise- they ALL fit and DH found me trying to decide “which ones to keep.” He laughed and said “Keep them all silly, you’ll wear them eventually!”
Did the same thing with cheap sunglasses as well. Now I have extra pairs for when I inevitably drop/break/sit on my current pair. Shopping is a source of stress for me so this very simple concept really makes me feel calmer…
Vicky Austin
Me too! I do this with skincare. Usually if a bottle makes a weird noise, I assume it’s about out and reorder, then am pleasantly surprised when it lasts a few more weeks. I have a backup of most of my products right now and it’s incredibly comforting. Maybe when I crack open the new one I’ll reorder again so I’m still ahead.
SSJD
When shoes are wet, stuff them with newspaper. They will dry very quickly that way. Super handy! (And when kids sneakers are dirty, simply wash them in the washing machine, then dry by stuffing with newspaper. Really helpful with kids sneakers.)
Anon
Where do you get newspaper these days?
SSJD
I used to get the Washington Post and saved a bunch. When I ran out recently, I asked for some from a neighbor who still gets the paper. Sad to think that newspapers are becoming ancient history. They are incredibly useful (not to mention informative)!
PolyD
Newspaper is also good for de-stinking shoes.
anon
I save the grocery store flyers.
Senior Attorney
I still get home delivery of our local newspaper even though I don’t have a chance to read it many days. I feel like it’s the least I can do to help keep them in business.
asdf
My college roommate taught me this trick. It’s awesome!
SSJD
I learned that my kids can get their flu shot at the local CVS pharmacy, which is so much easier than dealing with our pediatrician’s office! Plus they pay me ($5 store coupon per kid).
anonymous
Going for walks during work conference calls where I am not speaking and do not need to be taking notes. I typically have at least 2-3 of these per week. While working from home has obviously made this easier, I think I could also do it when we return to the office if I just keep a pair of walking shoes under my desk. Also — what oil cleanser are you loving? Looking for recommendations. :)
Beaglelover
Clinique Take The Day Off balm. Winner.
anon
I love the Bobbi Brown one.
Anonyz
Rohto Mentholatum Hada Labo Gokujyun Cleansing Oil is my HG, I order a big stockpile at a time from Hong Kong
Senior Attorney
Kindle Paperwhite, man. Helped me break my addiction to my phone and it’s such a great reading experience. My husband got one, too, and we’re calling them our anniversary gifts (no. 4 coming up next week).
Also making a big effort to pick up all the shoes and clothes in my dressing room every evening. Makes such a big difference.
Lilliet
YAY!!!
Senior Attorney
Yeah thanks for the push!
notinstafamous
I learned to put the dial in number in the location field of meeting invites on outlook (with the code), so that the people attending just need to hit that on their phone. Didn’t occur to me until I saw someone on Twitter talking about it, but it makes things so much easier on everyone.
Scottie
Good tip! Is there a way to put the dial in +code so you can just hit the whole thing rather than having to enter the code? (Did that make sense?) I feel like I’m always searching for the code…
AFT
yes – it might be a comma? may depend on your device but definitely doable.
Coach Laura
I think if you put both in, it autodials the code too. At least that has worked for me.
Clementine
Yes, this is how I do it. Sometimes you need to do a pound sign too.
So for me, Call in number 555-222-3333 access code 12345 I put in the ‘location’ line of outlook as: 15552223333,,12345# and it autodials the whole thing and lets you into the meeting.
Clementine
(Note that it’s often a double comma.)
Anon
Shark pet pro (or just shark pro at target) cordless vacuum. Even though we have roombas on a schedule they’re still not ideal for oops I spilled flour on the kitchen floor. And they can’t vaccuum the stairs.
I love my shark and it was a recommendation here.
Anonymous
I have always made lists, but Covid time has proven their worth, I had long lists of books to read and movies to watch and with the additional time have been able to amuse myself without any reality TV.
Curious
I don’t have to use all of the ginger. It’s okay to just lop off the nubby bits and use the main stem.
pugsnbourbon
I found out you can freeze ginger! I’ll get a big stem, break it into chunks, peel the chunks, and stick them in a bag in the freezer. It also grates really, really well when frozen!
Anon
I’m switching careers and starting (as an associate) at a Big 4 firm in a few weeks. My current role is a support function in a professional office, so I have professional experience, but this will be the first time in my career that I’m the fully fledged professional myself. It will also be my first time working from home (at least for now).
Any advice? I am on target to be finished with the CPA exam before I start. I’d love to hear specific advice from ‘rettes in the Big 4 or the wider accounting world as well as general advice for starting out in a new place or making a career change, especially during a pandemic!
NY CPA
Welcome to the world of Big 4!
Follow Big 4 Accountant on Instagram–hilarious
Anticipate that you won’t know what’s going on for awhile and that’s ok. Do not be afraid to ask for help. As a senior associate or manager, a lot of our job is helping staff learn. My biggest ask is just that my staff try to pick up on concepts as quickly as possible, and that they don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over. To that point, note taking is super important, especially when you’re new. Make sure you have some way to keep your notes organized (I like using One Note and have a different “notebook” in it for each client, then tabs based on different areas of the client I’m working on, e.g. planning, inventory, fixed assets, reporting, etc.). Organization of your computer and your email folder is very important too because we get a ton of emails and support and it’s easy to lose track of it all unless you’re very organized from the get-go.
Ask about expectations when you join a team–what are the team’s typical hours, when are you expected to work weekends, etc.
Busy “season” is a misnomer, and you may have multiple. For instance my main client has a 6/30 year end but I frequently get staffed on 12/31 audits also.
When busy season actually hits (so the first or second week of January for most people), do everything you can in advance to be ready. Make sure your house is clean and laundry is done and folded. Routine doctors and dentist appointments are taken care of. Especially in the WFH environment, try to meal prep some options that you can just defrost and pop in a pan / oven / stove. I did things like chicken & herb burgers, mini meatloafs in muffin tins, chopping up ingredients for a stir fry and making the sauce and freezing all the ingredients in separate plastic bags so I could just dump in the pan and go.
Ask for feedback on a regular basis. Don’t just let your managers submit a performance evaluation for you without talking about it with them so you can understand if you were above/below/on-target for expectations, and what you can do differently. These evaluations are the key drivers in your compensation.
Also on the topic of compensation, it’s basically non-negotiable. Big 4 is very much a take-it-or-leave-it kind of thing. Your raises and bonuses are usually decided several months ahead of them actually telling you, so at that point they’re set.
Anonymous
Congratulations on your new role!
I worked at a Big 4 for 25 years in the audit practice — here are a few pieces of advice — may or may not be relevant depending on what service line you are going to be working in:
— find a buddy who is a year or two ahead of you — hopefully the firm will assign one to you — ask that person all the questions about process, etc that you think are too dumb to ask
— review your own work before you submit it for someone else to review — create a checklist to do that for yourself
— become very comfortable with the review process of your work — if you are in audit, the work you do could be reviewed multiple times — by senior associates, managers, partners, etc. Review notes are a learning tool — don’t take them personally — use them to create your self-review checklist (see previous point)
— ask for work if you are not busy
— Big 4 are big beasts — try to get to know people — will be harder working from home
— have fun
Comfy Chair
I’m looking for a comfy chair to put in my home office. The Laz e Boy recliners I’ve looked at are quite comfy and kind of what I’m going for, but 1, are a bit bigger and bulkier than I’d like, and 2, aren’t as pretty looking (the chair likely will show up in my Zoom background). I’d love to find a pretty chair that reclines and/or has a little ottoman, that also is comfortable. Open on budget. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Anonymous
Stressless is pricey but very comfy and a bit smaller than La-Z-Boy. I think they are hideous, but lots of people think they look cool.
BB
Someone asked this maybe a month ago, and I recommended Ekornes Stressless if you have the budget (runs in the 3-5K range). They have some modern designs as well as some more traditional ones. Just as comfy if not more comfy than a LazEboy but way less bulky. They also recline but in a very smooth, non-levered kind of way (hard to explain, but it basically reclines with your bodyweight) and not nearly as jerky as a traditional recliner.
Anonymous
Try Best Home Furnishings. They sell a variety of recliners/gliders that might work.
AnonATL
Not exactly intended for an office, but we have a recliner/glider in the nursery from Pottery Barns baby section that isn’t too large and is extremely comfortable.
They have a lot of different styles. I’m sure regular PB has options as well. I will say it took months for the thing to be produced and shipped so you might run into long lead times.
Anon
If price is really no object, the Eames lounge chair and ottoman is a classic for a reason. And there are knock-offs at every price point.
BB
It doesn’t actually recline though? I love reading in it, but it’s basically fixed in one lounging position with a tiny bit of give.
Anon
That’s correct.
anon
Depends how old and broken it is ;)
W
I have a less bulky recliner from Room and Board, which has a variety of fabrics or leather to choose from. Very comfortable for a petite frame.
Anon
i know this is old news now, but i really am so saddened by Lord & Taylor’s bankruptcy. i used to shop there with my mom and their holiday windows were always the best
Anonymous
Me too! My mom passed away a couple years ago and I cried at the news. She loved it so much. And it always had such good dresses!
Anon
I’ve honestly barely heard of them. Are they more regional?
NY CPA
I grew up in the NYC suburbs and L&T was our key department store. We’d always go there over somewhere like Macy’s (horrible customer service and stores always messy/dingy) or Nordstrom (usually a bit more expensive for similar stuff). The huge L&T flagship store was on 5th Ave in the city, and I know of a couple of stores throughout NY and NJ suburbs. I assume there were more, but I’ve been to at least 3 or 4 that I recall. They had the BEST dress department.
Anonymous
Yes! Agree that Macy’s was always so shabby and totally for the coupon crowd. The garden city lord and Taylor location was across from an office park where I’d be frequently for work. Man, I did some damage there. They had a great dress department and good shoe department too. Also a fun old school department store vibe complete with a cafe upstairs. Sigh.
PolyD
They had really good cashmere, too, especially if you waited for holiday sales.
Anon
Most of my cashmere is from L&T and I don’t live anywhere near one. Sad.
anonymous
My grandma loved Lord & Taylor and would always send her kids and grandkids clothing from there for Christmas. It felt luxurious as my parent’s budget was more in the JCPenny clearance range.
Anon
Same. In particular, they were my go to for all my dresses and formal gowns. Didn’t even bother looking anywhere else. I’m a brick and mortar shopper and there aren’t any other good alternatives in my area.
Senior Attorney
I’m really hoping that many if not most of these retail bankruptcies turn out to be reorganizations rather than liquidations.
Anon
I know this is a silly comment, but my very favorite Christmas ornaments (a hand-painted wooden set of Santa’s eight reindeer – I think they’re older than I am) are stored in a L&T box (that I know is older than I am). Every Christmas I nearly cry when I take out that box. Those ornaments were SO special to me as a child, and the box reminds me of those childhood years when your mother seems glamorous and you see her in high heels and pearls and perfume for a night out and she seems the type of person to have actually purchased leather gloves or a cashmere scarf or whatever would have come in that beautiful box. I don’t think I’ve ever been in an L&T though.
Anon
I’m 54 and shopped in L&T a lot when I was younger due to great sales and selection. It was definitely cheaper than Bloomingdales and also less fashion-forward, more oriented to classics. I haven’t been there much lately though. I bought an interview suit there around 5 years ago. I do have fond memories, but life goes on.
Anonymous
Anyone have a good make-ahead egg based / low carbish recipe? I’ve been making eggs/beans/peppers/onions/hot sauce every morning but it takes a while and makes a mess. I’d like to make ONE mess that lasts a few days.
Crustless quiche somehow isn’t as filling.
Cb
Could you do more of an egg bake? With beans in it to add some filling fiber?
Abby
Breakfast bakes! Saute onions and a mix of any veggies you have on hand (peppers, broccoli, spinach, mushrooms, etc) and add to a 9×13 dish. Then mix in beans if you like (I would use sausage, or sometimes roasted potato or sweet potato) and pour beat eggs over top. Bake for 40 minutes at 350. Cook on Sunday, have breakfast for the entire week.
Anonymous
Sounds like the beans are what’s making it filling, since crustless quiche is eggs + cheese. If you weren’t going for low-carb, I’d suggest a fritatta with potatoes. How about frozen breakfast burritos with beans and eggs on low-carb tortillas? Cookie and Kate has a breakfast burrito recipe.
Anon
I’ve make a fritatta with a sweet potato crust and was very pleased. I’ve also made individual egg cups in muffin pans! You could to this with a sweet potato crust or just the eggs + veggie + cheese mixture.
NY CPA
I love this hash. I make it on the weekend in a big batch then each morning I scoop out about 1/2 to 1 cup of it, heat it up in the microwave for 90 seconds and top with a fried egg (takes about 3 min to make). I particularly like it with runny eggs, so I can kind of make the yolk into a saucy element. Super quick and easy on a daily basis and absolutely delicious!
http://fedandfulfilled.com/turkey-apple-breakfast-hash/
Curious
Our paleo life breakfast frittata! Keeps for a week.
Markey wins!
OMG so so so happy for Markey’s win!
Anon
I’m just happy that Kennedy lost. Eight years ago, he waltzed all over a far more qualified candidate on the basis of his last name (and fawning press coverage), and then actually thought that made him the bestest most amazing politician ever. He could have waited six years for Markey to retire, or even taken on an 80 year old Markey in 2026, but nooo… he’s a KENNEDY and gets what he wants.
Sorry that I’m spending the day laughing until my sides ache.
Anon
I’m not a Mass resident, but I am in politics, and it seemed strange to me all along that he just couldn’t wait a few more years for Markey to retire. He’d be a shoo-in for the seat then and could have had Markey’s endorsement instead of making an enemy of an elder statesman.
Anon
I’m still laughing about his “Worchester” campaign sign. I went to college in Boston and that’s a bad goof in MA.
Anonymous
Hey- do you mind elaborating? I’m not from MA about heard about this race on a few political podcasts and I’m interested in your perspective.
Anonymous
Anon at 10:33 has said it all.
Anon at 10:45
Yes thanks! I couldn’t see her post when I asked the question. That is as exactly what I was hoping to hear (meaning: a real life take I didn’t hear hear in my podcasts.)
Anon
Lol, definitely not all. Markey was the much more progressive candidate. Not a perfect analogy, but the Warren or Sanders to Kennedy’s Biden.
Anyway, I’m so happy Joe could make history as the first Kennedy to lose an election in Massachusetts.
Anon at 10:45
Thanks for responding. I actually thought it was interesting that the younger challenger was running to the right of the progressive incumbent. But I didn’t think MA voters would react negatively to a Kennedy running on his name, although it totally makes sense.
Anonymous
I wished they could run on something other than who their ancestors were. And under a generic name (like Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, whom I loathed, always ran as Kathleen KENNEDY Townsend), where your merits are your merits. I get that some ancestors had prominent jobs, but just as many are loathsome people (possibly the same person comes under both headings). They had fantastic hair and straight teeth and were nice in that preppy photogenic sporty way that I associate with rich people in fancy places. But UGH is there no one else in Massachusetts? Can someone else not as well funded have a chance for a change?
City chick
The whole “I’m a Kennedy so I’m entitled to this” felt particularly out of touch in this moment because he’s super privileged (v expensive private high school, Stanford etc.) but has whole lot of nothing with it, while Markey has a blue collar background and a ton of experience.
The Dem Party needs to rethink electability & support more talent with working/ middle class backgrounds that can relate to average Americans, rather than choosing to support candidates based on money/ fundraising capability. So the Pelosi endorsement also was disturbing.
Hand Sanitizer
Warning that this is a semi-stupid and privileged question, but I cannot bring it up with IRL friends.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids. We are extremely fortunate to have stable jobs and a home we love. We were in a position where we were caregiving for one of my parents (to the point that we were able to claim them as a dependent) until they passed away this summer. Because we had paid for their home and were able to sell it in a hot market, we’re now in a better financial position that we’ve ever been — no debt except our very manageable mortgage, as we purposefully downsized a few years ago, and an ample emergency fund.
Incidentally, I grew up in an extremely poor home (i.e. we were on food stamps and got evicted more than once) so now that we have a solid emergency fund, my student loans are paid off, we don’t have car payments, etc. it feels nearly too good to be true. Incidentally, my husband comes from wealth and has never had to worry about a safety net.
HOWEVER…I’m having a hard time adjusting my gratitude-meter. Lately, I’ve really let myself get into a Keeping Up With the Joneses mentality, which I hate about myself. It seems like “everyone else” has a nicer home, drives a better car, yadda yadda yadda. I’m frustrated with my own lack of contentment, especially when we specifically chose to own a smaller/older home (and renovate over time), drive our cars into the ground, etc.
Any words of advice (other than the inevitable poster who’ll just tell me to suck it up ;)? I’m genuinely interested in improving my contentment with my current situation and gratitude for all that we do have. I know I’m beyond lucky, especially because I grew up in a truly poor household with parents who made terrible financial choices. I love my family, my job, and my friends. Could this be depression, or just too much exposure to picture-perfect Instagram accounts?
Anonymous
I found that my COVID-isolation imposed depression really turned off my gratitude meter. After I started seeing people again and feeling less awful (I.e. unexpected crying jaunts and sleep disturbances), what has really helped has been taking on some pro bono. I found a project that is client facing and provides assistance in real time. Getting to give back and having other people’s problems in my face really helped me recalibrate to where I feel I was before March (I.e. aware and SUPER thankful of many many privileges of good job! General health! Strong family and friend network!) If I we’re you, I’d limit my Instagram exposure and find even a small remote volunteering opportunity. Good luck!?
Anon
Do you have any friends that are divorce lawyers? While we certainly can’t spill specifics about any client, we can tell you that the people you see in the big house with the fancy cars often have no retirement and tons of debt. The guy driving a honda and living in a modest house has a $100k emergency fund and a well funded 401k. Seeing the nitty gritty of people’s finances and lifestyle has been VERY eye opening.
HBF
THIS. I am a foreclosure attorney, not divorce law, but please trust and believe that many of the ppl you see with big fancy houses and cars are actually scraping by on credit, and all it will take is one major family disaster (eg death/disability of one of the income earners or a lay-off or something) to send those folks running for bankruptcy court and to put their names on the public housing waiting list. Not even exaggerating. Remember the Constant gnawing fear you experienced when living in poverty? A lot of the people you envy are living in blissful ignorance while walking on the edge of a cliff where one wrong step will throw them into that fear.
HFB
Sorry if this posts twice; looks like my first comment got eaten so here’s a rehash. Long story short I am a foreclosure attorney, not divorce, but I can tell you that a lot of people out thee with fancy houses and cars are hanging on by the skin of their teeth with no retirement and no emergency funds. All it takes is one set back to send them scrambling for bankruptcy court and yes, the public housing wait list. Remember the constant fear you had to live with when you were poor- at any moment the eviction notice might come or the lights may go out? A lot of “rich” people are actually living the same way, they just don’t realize it. When you look at your healthy emergency fund and retirement accounts remind yourself that they are keeping the wolf far far far away from your door; remember what it was like to hear him scratching there, and know there are a lot of people mcmansions with a brand-new BMWs he’s stalking as we speak. A life of reduced fear is a life worth living.
PNW
I’m just here to say I understand what you’re saying. I am currently as comfortable as I’ve ever been and literally 10 years ago due to life crap/divorce/etc I was on my last unemployment extension and literally had cents in the bank. With young kids at home, no less. I’m still playing catch up and will be for a long time, but when I think about it I get whiplash. And still, STILL, I sometimes find myself feeling stingy about helping someone or judgy towards people who are exactly where I was, and I find myself lacking gratitude.
I don’t have an answer other than to be aware of it. When I do yoga I try to send out a Thank You into the universe and set an intention for gratitude, it does make me a little more mindful.
VanguardFanAnon
Consider thinking about what your life would look like were you to take this lack of contentment thing to its logical extreme…is that who you want to be? Is that a happy or fulfilled woman? Does she have genuine friends and sincere relationships with people from all walks of life? Hope that is helpful :)
Anonymous
Gratitude journal.
Determine what your life goals are and re read often and when making any big decisions.
eertmeert
Maybe reframe it to think – what attitude am I unconsciously passing on to my kids? Am I modeling the behaviors I want them to have as adults?
For me this would give me a balancing effect – and once I perform my actual gratitude-based values for the kids it likely will change the way I actually feel inside. Sort of a redistribution of attention.
Abby
List 3 things you’re grateful for each day at dinner! Sometimes it will be a material object or benefit from having money available to you, but I found (especially as COVID got worse) that I was really thankful for my husband, dog, when the weather was nice, etc, all things that money can’t buy.
Besides that, I’ve also gotten sucked down into the path of jealousy when I see others with designer items, eating out frequently at fancy restaurants, wondering how they afford it all. Someone should be able to tell what your priorities are by looking at your financials & spending. I prioritize traveling (rip), hosting friends, and that’s how our budget looks. No judgment on those who prioritize buying nice things and enjoying trendy restaurants, focus on what actually makes you happy instead of what others decide makes them happy
Anon
Here’s your re-frame: you ARE living like a person who came from wealth.
I’ve noticed that the people who grew up without money are often the first to upgrade. They have leased cars, new gadgets, random crap to fill up their houses, the latest fashions. The upgrades are really something: kitchen renos because the (solid wood) cabinets are “outdated,” new engagement rings because it’s “tradition,” constant “refresh” of anything and everything.
The old money people drive their BMWs and Volvos into the ground, wear classic clothes, and save their money so they can help put the grandkids through college. A lot of it is being secure enough in your success to not need to spend all your money proving you have money to spend.
Anon
Ding ding ding! You are correct! Nothing bothers me as much as new money ripping out old wood and replacing it with particle board crap.
City chick
Could some of this be coming from your peer group? I’ve gradually phased out more materialist friends that have high earning jobs and live in big suburban homes, and now spend more time with folks who live in the city and work in govt, social justice, nonprofits, etc. And that generally has overlapped with personal choices to prioritize spending time with friends/ family, living in the city with less space and smaller cars, and being active in the community over private schools, high spend items, etc. It’s also been helpful to have friends that a significantly older and younger than me (mostly through work) because they often have different priorities.
This is obviously a generalization and there can be folks that have high earning jobs but are not materialistic, have a big house but otherwise work a 9-5 job, etc. But I do think that being surrounded be folks with certain lifestyle choices can contribute to this “keeping up with the joneses” feeling.
CL
I was late to yesterday’s thread but was surprised over some people’s reckless eagerness to put civilians and social workers into harms way. Suggested scenarios where social workers could be sent to replace police were: mental illness outside a gas station, minor traffic incidents and neighborhood disputes. So let me get this clear, the vast majority of social workers are women, many are young (high burnout rate), so are you saying with a straight face that we should send your typical social worker to a gas station to “reason” with a mentally ill man at 2am? Are you saying we should send a worker to take reports and provide traffic control in her unmarked car with no flashing lights at a minor car accident, while cars speeding past? Would YOU like to be sent out completely defenseless with no back up, to go knock on doors to “resolve” a neighbor dispute? Do you not see how incredibly dangerous these situations are? Remember, you don’t get both the social worker AND the police because you have funded one with the other’s money. I’m trying to understand the defund police movement but the suggested solutions are just as shitty as the slogan itself.
Anonymous
Nope. We did this yesterday! If you’re truly interested in learning more, do some research. No one is making the arguments you just did but nice try at building a straw man.
It’s really obnoxious to bring something up again we spent tons of time on yesterday just to pick a fight.
Anon
Collapse the thread. Who has pried your eyelids open and forced you to read this?
Anon
And social workers are not paid particularly well, but at least their schedules follow normal business hours. Imagine getting a call at 2 am when the kids are asleep and your husband has to leave for work in 4 hours.
Anonymous
This is a weird, gendered response. Obviously the work expectations would change to be more like those of a LEO. Most of the discussions involve increasing compensation. Can we not ask the ladies of the house for that because “they have responsibilities to the family”? I am not sure what area or era you live in, but women, even women with children, are cops. I am not fully supportive of all the defunding proposals, but it’s certainly not because I don’t want dads, the ones with the important jobs, to suffer from being woken up by the wifey’s hobby job as a social worker and, horror of all horrors, also have to babysit her kids for a bit in the morning.
Anonymous
I am guessing you don’t have kids.
Anonymous
Obviously. If I had kids, I would clearly know that not disturbing their father with my “work” is just what a good woman does.
Anon
I’m a lawyer who was born and raised in Boston. I know the trade-offs inherent in various professions and my point, which you missed in your lame “look at me, I’m so feminist” screed, is that people gravitate towards professions based in not small part on the expectations and hours. Women do overnight work at far, far lower rates than men do, whether it’s driving Ubers, working in 24 hour grocery stores, or being cops. That’s just a statistical fact.
Anonymous
I don’t think I am the one who missed the point. No one is asking every single social worker to take on overnight work. Just like everyone who works in a 24-hour grocery doesn’t work overnight. And some social workers might pivot, just like people in other professions do when conditions change. Also, some social workers are men. Your post, with its addendum, is still gendered and weird and I think it is about your own marriage. I am not actually all that far down on the feminist spectrum.
Clementine
Uh, some social workers do on call or overnight shifts.
(I’ve called social workers on weekends and in the middle of the night.)
Anonymous
Yeah. Her straw man is showing.
Cb
I am going to read this generously as a good faith effort to explore these issues. I think we can agree the system isn’t working, for citizens and for police. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. And while you might not agree with every proposal, I think it’s worth considering how we might reimagine our approach to policing, mental health, and social care.
I’m from the US but now live in a country where police are unarmed. A few years ago, I watched two unarmed police officers, who had obviously been trained in mental health and deescalation deal with someone who was clearly in crisis and was behaving erratically and violently. They were able to stop the threat he was posing to himself and others without resorting to violence themselves. An armed response unit is available in extreme situations (and they are often quick and effective) but aren’t the norm. That doesn’t mean that police brutality isn’t an issue here, but there aren’t regular instances of police violence and violent crime rates are comparatively low.
Anonymous
That’s great and would work in someplace like Bethesda or maybe Arlington. But not all parts of my metro area are generally low-crime. And even in high-crime areas, a distressed 911 caller may not do much more than let the dispatcher rule out sending the fire department (but a police car and ambulance may be needed). FWIW, in my city, ambulance workers are not allowed to go in if there is shooting or it is in any way unsafe.
OTOH, it is frustrating if you have had your house broken into to be told that you just need to fill out a report. Dude, I don’t know if someone is still IN my house, so I don’t even want to go in without someone else there. And even if house is empty, a ransacked house is distressing. The first night, wondering if anyone will be back, is distressing. Feeling safe is important. Maybe it is time to get a larger breed dog?
Anonymous
Why so your dog can get shot or stolen?
anonshmanon
So what I’m hearing is that you also think that police is not adequately responding to your needs as a citizen. Maybe they have too many other things on their plate, especially things that they aren’t trained for.
Anon
I agree with this. I think a lot of people have this perception that sadistic police are always responding with deadly force to innocent, mentally ill people who are just sitting there quietly in need of help. In reality, those cases are the minority where I live. It’s more like “man attacks passerby with ax” and “homeless woman feeds meth to toddler” and “man violently beating girlfriend while driving runs over homeless woman.” These are actual headlines from Berkeley. You’re telling me you want to send a social worker making $38K into that?
Anon
I’m still not convinced that “policing” is the right solution to the problems you describe. How did things get this bad in the first place? Policing seems like too little, too late.
Anon
But the “once we fix all societal problems, we won’t need police” argument doesn’t do anything in the here and now. What do you suggest?
Anon
I definitely think we will always need police, but I think a higher quality of life for the vulnerable, ill, and disabled could make people safer and less of a target for criminals. One discussion I’ve seen is that European cities often actually spend more on police than US cities do, but also spend more on other services, and imprison many fewer people. Police are not as burdened and the outcomes seem to be better.
Aunt Jamesina
Mental illness and other personal crises aren’t the problems LEO are best equipped to help with, and it’s a mis-allocation of resources. It’s both more efficient and more appropriate to send in a social worker. And in the case where they aren’t sure, both a social worker and a police officer could approach the scene and proceed appropriately. Absolutely nobody is advocating for sending in a social worker to deal with a man who is beating their girlfriend– but the girlfriend would certainly benefit from one.
skipper
These are actual headlines, of course. The scary, violent stuff is what makes headlines. Traffic stops without forty-five pounds of meth don’t make headlines. Homeless women walking down the middle of the street in clear distress don’t make headlines. Toddlers who are playing unsupervised outside don’t make headlines. Teenagers throwing loud parties while their parents are out of town or drinking in a park don’t make headlines. The majority of police officers’ days is far more mundane and less risky than most people credit. I would be the Most Surprised Girl in the World if what you describe are everyday occurrences for every cop. My dad was a cop. My brother’s a cop.
The great majority of the people who want to defund the police don’t want to send a social worker out to deal with the dude chopping people with an ax. They want to send a person without a gun to deal with you when you speed through a school zone or roll through a stop sign. They want to send someone who can help calm the homeless woman and help her access mental health care, showers, food, a bed instead of arrest her for impeding the flow of traffic and probably tase her in the process. They want someone to check in with the family whose toddler’s on the lawn to make sure that there’s an adult at home who knows how to keep kids safe and intervene if that’s not the case. They want to make sure that the drunk kids get home safely and that the party hosts turn down their music without someone ending up dead like Jordan Edwards did.
People who want to defund the police also want to get meth lady help before she gives that toddler meth. They want to get that woman in an abusive relationship into a safe place so her boyfriend won’t hit a pedestrian while beating her. They want to prevent drug addiction and domestic abuse through broader social interventions, so there’re fewer of these violent headlines in the first place. They want to increase the accessibility of mental health care, access to which may well have kept the homeless pedestrian off the street in the first place and kept the ax man from picking up an ax.
Think of it this way: my fire department goes around giving out smoke alarms and handing out double A batteries twice a year. They will literally come to your house and come inside to change your batteries if you’re unable to do it yourself. The fire department checks for fire code compliance in new buildings and teaches fire safety classes. Firefighters go undercover into popular clubs to count heads and ensure buildings aren’t overcrowded. All of this takes up a good bit of their budget. We don’t just accept dangerous fires as an inevitability we should greet with the biggest possible blasts of water. Nor do we tell firefighters they’re only allowed batteries and counting from now on. Instead, we recognize that we can prevent many fires entirely and make the others less dangerous through a thoughtful, multifaceted approach. That keeps our firefighters safer. That keeps us safer. That keeps our homes safer. Why wouldn’t you support that?
Anon
I’m the poster who shared the Berkeley headlines and I agree with everything you said – but I hear people in my circles saying “yes, when we say defund, we mean DISMANTLE!” and so on and I think that lacks nuance. I also work in public health and have good awareness of the issues that many people, particularly lower-income women, are facing. I’ve come to believe that police do and should continue to have an important role in society, both during crises and ordinary times, and that that is not mutually exclusive with shifting funding to other departments when it’s appropriate to do so. I especially believe that police should not be the first responders in rape cases unless there is a chance of apprehending the perpetrator immediately.
Anon
There were over 10,000 criminal incidents in People’s Park in Berkeley in a five-year span. That’s over 5 incidents PER DAY. Social workers aren’t going there without police protection.
Anon
Why? It’s 99% drug dealing. Not a violent situation.
Anon
I don’t think that’s true. I hear about nonstop muggings and assaults there. If you have a citation, though, I’m open to it. I’m just going off the UC Berkeley crime reports I get, but they’re not in aggregate.
CL
So you would be be fine to make the call to send a social worker there without protection even if it’s ”just” 99% drugs? You don’t know if the situation is or will become violent.
Anonanonanon2
Most social workers and mental health professionals I know are in physically dangerous situations reasoning with mentally ill individuals quite frequently, and don’t appreciate arguments suggesting otherwise.
Anon
+1
The people I know who are in physically dangerous situations while caring for the mentally ill have been the first to criticize police who don’t have the same training or skills.
Monday
Really? I have lots of complaints about policing, but I don’t blame them for not having the same training I do, or frankly the same career ethos either. I assume for most of them, with their hearts in the right place, they simply signed up to do one job but are asked to do a totally different job much of the time. No surprise if it doesn’t go well.
Anon
I guess I meant “criticize” in the sense of the skills employed? Not that their hearts aren’t in the right place.
Your view of police seems a little rosy though. I grew up knowing police and have police in my family. I think they are often good people placed in bad situations who do a lot of good. At the same time, some of the outlooks they take are I guess shaped by that and not in good ways.
BeenThatGuy
+2 both my boyfriend and brother-in-law are social workers. They are frequently in dangerous situations. It would be wonderful if they were compensated more for their skill sets. And frankly, recognized for the value that they add to our society.
Monday
This describes me/my job, but I don’t understand this argument. The fact that we are often in unsafe situations is not a reason to even let such conditions continue, let alone expand them to include even more workers or even worse situations. Working in unsafe conditions is not a badge of honor or sign of status, it’s something we should be working to eliminate wherever possible.
anonshmanon
Ok, you seem to be intentionally misunderstanding several points here.
First- A lot of the people on the thread yesterday did not advocate for abolishing the police entirely. Even of the radicals that do, a lot of those agree that there should be some organization that you call for help with crimes, that has certain powers. There just is a view that the police as it currently exists, with their history of starting as a slave catcher organization, union contracts preventing accountability, the guaranteed immunity through the supreme court, and the self-perpetuating stereotypes ala Law and Order, it would be much easier to scrap the existing organization and start from scratch.
Second – of course you can have more than one public service. Most cities now have social services AND the police. We’ve just been defunding social services (and schools, and parks and rec, and lots of other services), while police budgets are 50-75% of the entire budget in many places. There is ample research showing that a dollar spent on city services can save multiple dollars in law enforcement.
Third – letting social workers handle traffic stops is ridiculous and nobody suggests that. Having a dedicated traffic enforcement agency, which can hand out fines etc, but doesn’t approach you with a gun to tell you about your blown tail light, is a perfectly reasonable suggestion. A social worker can call police backup when they see the need. Even if a social worker arrives with two cops in tow, as long as the social worker is in charge, there is still a good chance that the situation will be resolved in a more long-lasting way for the affected person, which is ultimately better for them, better for the neighbors AND better for us taxpayers.
Anon
The idea of increasing services is that interventions happen sooner, before people become desperate and unstable.
Better access to food/shelter/employment decreases petty crime, the need to sell drugs to make a living, domestic disputes over money, etc.
There already are areas where road-rangers (or similar name) handle minor wrecks. They’re non-sworn officers who have very visible, lighted vehicles and training to handle a wreck or breakdown in traffic and can call in LE if circumstances warrant.
Nothing is a complete panacea, and there will always be a need for sworn officers, but there are lots of things that can be done to head off problems before that point.
Anonymous
Try walking the streets of San Francisco and see if still feel the sane way. You cannot go two blocks without being menaced by a drug addict looking for meth money, or screamed at and and threatened by someone clearly mentally ill. But the DA won’t prosecute theft and if you call the police you will get Karened.
Anon
Have been in a lot worse places than SF and do feel the same way. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.
Aunt Jamesina
The arguments here are mostly saying that there are a slew of other social services that (had they been more robust) might have prevented someone from being an addict who put you in an uncomfortable situation in the first place. If someone is rambling in your face or getting in your way, that’s a call for social services. If they steal from you or personally harm you, then get the police and match that person up with appropriate help.
Anonymous
Having worked directly with those young social workers you find so incompetent- WTF do you think they do now with child protection removals? Those are often from drugged up or mentally ill parents. They are trained for this. It is what they go to school for. Traffic services can provide traffic redirection while a person trained in mental health intervention can do their work.
Anon
FYI, police accompany social workers on removals. It’s policy in most states. My social worker best friend relies on that for protection.
Anonymous
This.
Anonymous
Actually they don’t always. They may be called for back up but they may not arrive until the removal has occurred. Spontaneous removals can occur based on a home visit. Your social worker friend is very lucky if she has protection at every single removal and only does planned removals with a warrant. I’m not sure how that is possible unless they have police present at every home visit and that seems like extreme over policing Most of the workers on the cases I work on don‘t have police present at removals.
Anon
You can’t just remove kids on a routine home visit when you notice a problem. That’s not how it works.
Anonymous
Actually you can. It’s directly in our legislation – authority for warrantless removals for immediate danger. You walk in on the dad raping the daughter because the older brother opened the door and you hear it from downstairs, you remove. You walk in on the mom beating their toddler, or a toddler covered in head bruises, you remove. You don’t leave, get a warrant and hope the kid doesn’t get killed in the meantime.
Anon
Correction – I asked my social worker friend and while she confirmed that cops are always there for planned removals, some states do allow CPS employees to remove kids directly in cases of “imminent danger” (there’s a high standard for that – like a baby is playing in the fireplace while the mom is passed out drunk or something). Other states continue to require police in those instances.
She also said that she would “not go to many removals alone. Once a CPS employee got attacked with a machete and the police officer shot and killed the dad.”
CL
Where did I say I found social workers incompetent? That’s your words. I’m trying to do not have them abused or killed by not implementing a weak far left wing theory. As a note, I’m left but flabbergasted by some of my fellow Democrats. I would support more resources to social service but that’s not all what the protesters are asking for. They want eliminator or reduction of police funds. In a perfect world we’d have resources for both but that’s up to the taxpayers what they are willing to swallow before they start voting with their feet, leaving for safer areas.
Anonymous
Career prosecutor here. I am disturbed by these kinds of proposals for the reasons you have set forth. The fact is that there is a whole another world out there composed of people who don’t give a crap about society’s values. This has nothing to do with race, gender, religion, or national origin. It correlates vaguely with socioeconomic status. In my opinion it is not that low socioeconomic status leads to this attitude, but rather that this attitude leads to less success in life and thus lower socioeconomic status. They truly don’t give a damn about values and they do not aspire to live a life where they do.
The people I am talking about do not by any means constitute the whole of criminal defendants. A majority of criminal defendants are otherwise okay people who have messed up. Some criminal defendants, however, are genuinely awful people who don’t care about whether they scare or even hurt other people.
I don’t even stop to fill my car with gas at night even in a “safe” area, because I know who’s out there and what they are capable of. The idea of sending unarmed people into a conflict is insane. I agree that police need to be trained to deescalate a situation, that they need to be trained with regard to racism and that bad apples should be flat out fired and black listed, that they need to be trained to identify people with mental health issues for whom a traditional law enforcement response to a situation is not a good response, and that they need to be able to access mental health services and put some people with these services instead of stuck in the jail.
Anon
I agree completely. There are some truly bad people, mostly men, out there at all levels of society and no amount of therapy, investment in their schools and careers, and targeted aid is going to change that. There are men in my city who have committed 20+ violent crimes and have multiple outstanding warrants for arrest and are considered armed and dangerous and they keep going in and out of prison, year after year after year. There are other men who grew up in the same neighborhoods who have faced numerous difficulties and disadvantages, including prison time, but are largely working to better themselves in a harsh world. Let’s do everything we can to help people in need, but let’s also not be Pollyannaish about the prospects for certain people who have only ever caused enormous harm to others.
anonshmanon
Repeat violent offenders in and out of prison shows that either something is wrong with sentencing or that something goes wrong with reintegration and enabling this person to lead a normal life. Police is involved in neither of those decisions. They are just investing the resources over and over and over to catch the people.
Anon
Some people can’t live normal lives. I truly believe that. They are a danger to themselves and others. Does that apply to all criminals? Heck no. But it does apply to some and they’re better off behind bars.
Anon
I’m not convinced there’s any justification for imprisoning people temporarily (jail, yes, but prison?). If it’s okay to let someone go again, then why is it okay to imprison them for a while? If someone is too dangerous to go free, why ever let them go again?
anonshmanon
That may be so, but the police only arrests, they don’t decide the sentence (for very good reasons). This problem is not solved with more police.
Anon
Sure, the police don’t determine sentencing, but since the people who do determine sentencing seem to let lots of violent criminals out repeatedly, someone has to go pick them up again. In California, some violent offenders were let out earlier to avoid getting COVID. I don’t think they should be placed at extreme risk for COVID infection, but we have to acknowledge that it comes at a cost and that young women in particular are going to pay the price.
Anonymous
No some of them are genuinely bad human beings, and no amount of counseling, services or showing them brotherly love is going to change that. Trigger warning for violence….serious trigger warning
.
.
I saw a criminal case where a person who had only prior drug charges had now committed six murders in the course of trying to get a dealer’s goods, money and weapons, and one of the murders was torturing a child in order to get his mother to tell where all this stuff was, which she didn’t know the answer and died while being tortured herself. There is no redemption for this animal disguised as a human being. There was no indication from his past that he would commit these acts. Sorry to be a great big debbie downer for laying this out like this, and frankly there is a lot more horrible information on this case that I’m not telling you, but the “every person is good at heart and they only need love/counseling/services/job training” mentality is not consistent with reality unless you are living in a happy little bubble of delusion.
Anon
I think one problem is that some of the people you describe (who definitely exist) become police.
Anon
Those people do not become police, they can not pass the psych eval. Stop with this anti police BS.
Anon
Oh, I’m sure – and they should be immediately blacklisted from the profession at the first proven incident instead of shuffled around and protected by the union. They should also face criminal prosecution where appropriate and have all cases investigated by an outside auditor with public oversight.
brokentoe
Agree completely. Another thought on allowing non-sworn individuals to take care of traffic issues like speeding or”minor crashes” – these supposedly less dangerous events often involve many of these bad actors. Risky behaviors and choices (drunk and drugged driving, reckless driving, high speeds, etc.) don’t stop when people get behind the wheel. Also, traffic stops are a crap shoot for officers – until someone is stopped and identified, you don’t know if you are stopping Grandma or Timothy McVeigh (the OKC bomber who was identified only because he was speeding).
Anon
Ted Bundy was stopped while he had a kidnapped victim in the car and was released. I agree that the traffic stops are a crapshoot.
Anon
I was also horrified that people said this. It’s like they want these young women to face even more assault
Anon
Meanwhile, if a police officer assaults women, what are the odds he’s ever charged with a crime?
Anon
That’s “what-aboutism” and it’s a way of deflecting rather than responding to the point.
Anon
There are protests all over the country right now about police accountability, lawlessness, and whether the police we currently have can be trusted with their responsibilities. The whole issue is whether it’s safe to turn to the police for help, or whether it’s risky. I don’t support defund the police, but I can’t think of a time when they’ve helped in situations where someone I know was being assaulted, stalked, or attacked. I have had neighbors who called the police constantly when they fought and argued, but this doesn’t seem the same to me. There have been situations where good police could have helped, but the police available had such a bad reputation that it seemed better not to involve them at all.
Kitten
Please don’t let a vocal minority turn you off from the cause. In my experience, the people who support defunding the police haven’t thought it through that far so I wouldn’t expect to have your questions answered. It’s a catchy slogan and people like to look woke for social media.
There clearly needs to be meaningful reform and most police departments have an appalling lack of accountability. I hope most people can agree on that. For my part, I’d actually be fine with paying police more and requiring them to have college degrees and more training, but the pensions are out of control in my city.
Anon
Overtime is also out of control, and statistically “bad decisions” happen more during overtime.
Anonymous
I’m looking for a reasonably priced upholstersted bench to put at the foot of my king bed. But websites don’t seem to sort by size, which is very frustrating wading through the results! I want it to be at least 60 inches long. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
Wayfair will let you sort by size.
Anon looking for press on nails
Does anyone like a certain brand of press on nails? This is a judgment free thread and need something to make myself feel pretty…my nails are struggling. Press on nail lovers, please share your faves, tips, and tricks.
Airplane.
Static if you can handily use liquid glue. Kiss x Rebecca minkoff if you have shorter nails and want the glue already applied. Static has great designs especially if you have longer natural nails like me. But I loved the sunset beach matte from kiss even though they are shorter and leave a bit of a gap because of the preapplied gel like glue. Make sure to push your cuticle back and try to apply a bit beneath the cuticle. Buff your natural nails a bit before application.
pugsnbourbon
Kiss Impress – readily available at Target and most drugstores. Definitely do the prep step with the alcohol wipe. Otherwise they’re super easy to use and I usually get a full five days with them looking good.
Also – I just started using Hard as Hoof nail hardener on my natural nails. I have always had peely, bendy nails. It’s helping a little – more than any other hardener or cuticle oil I’ve used in the past. And it smells good.
Anon
Please provide me all the tips for a cross-country (east to west coast) move! I’ve been googling but so far am finding a lot of the same repeat tips from moving companies’ websites. Any practical advice that you wish you had known beforehand would be wonderful to know.
For one, if we can afford it, is it worth having the movers pack the stuff we want to move? Is there a difference when it comes down to insuring our stuff when it’s moved (e.g., if we pack some boxes ourselves vs. they pack the rest, how does that work)?
Thanks in advance!
Anonymous
Professional packers are amazing. Worth every penny. Do some reading on how to best opitmize them and how to prepare (they pack rooms as they find them so do some sorting and organizing before turning them lose)
Anonymous
Ask your movers, but when we did a long-distance move we had to let them pack anything we wanted insured.
BB
I did a half-the-way-across-the-country move last year. TOTALLY worth having them pack your stuff! I also asked about it on here and got similar feedback that it was awesome before I did it, and it totally was! For a 2 bedroom place, 4 guys came in the day before the truck came and spent 4-5 hours packing everything. They are way more efficient at this than you can ever be and will also default to overprotecting/wrapping your items. The only things they will not move are open bottles, alcohol, and perishables. Then the truck came early the next morning, got loaded up, and I got on my flight. Truck arrived ~2 days later and we met them at the new place.
The only downside is they will pack everything, so if you want to cull your belongings, do it beforehand and be very clear about marking off what shouldn’t be packed.
Also, if you can, try to find a company that will use its own workers for the whole trip and doesn’t sub-contract to another moving company. I got this, but it was only half country, not all the way across. Fewer handoffs and a single team handling your stuff feels way safer for me.
OP
Thanks for the reminder about marketing off what not to pack! Our landlord left a variety of stuff for us in the apartment, which is also partly furnished, so we’ll think ahead–maybe move all his stuff to upper shelves in the kitchen and label the shelf / relevant furniture as clear as possible with “Do Not Pack” haha
Anon
I did an east to west move using a UHaul Ubox, but it only worked because we were moving from one small one-bedroom apartment to another. I was able to pack everything fine myself (and load the box with my husband) and wouldn’t have found it worth it to use movers. They’re really expensive and with some attention to detail, you can protect things well yourself. I did 85% of the packing solo since I quit my job first and it was doable.
Anon
I’ve moved cross country twice without a single item breaking, but I did all the packing myself. It did take a ton of time, so if you have the budget, paying movers to do it would save a lot of hassle. One thing to remember is that moving expenses are no longer tax deductible, so even if you get your move covered by your employer, you can be on the hook for a considerable amount of money. Thanks Trump! Moves are priced by distance, weight of stuff, and demand, so I’d start by getting quotes for your move with and without packing so you really know what the difference is.
Airplane.
Absolutely pay the packers.
EM84
I was moving internationally 6x and my reco is – if you can afford it, have the movers do the packing and unpacking. They are pros in this – it will take them less time and they will also put stuff in new location better than you. My movers unpacked kitchen in a way that I did not have to change “location” of any item in 3y. You will save yourself time and mental energy by paying them. I did not bother with insurance. I packed things that were confidential, too important, personal (think contracts, birth certificates, jewelry) and things I would need for the first week (in case anything went wrong and I needed to stay in a hotel) into 2 suitcases and took them with me. Ah – if you can, start decluttering now – it took me 2-3m to go over each room, each cupboard or wardrobe and to put aside things I will not need/want anymore. I gave them away to friends and charities or sold. The time window allowed me to do it at a slower pace. If you can, order all furniture, key items now, so that when the movers start unpacking, they will unpack and assemble all. When movers leave, you don’t have to lift a finger (in my case, I ordered my home office equipment in advance, movers moved the boxes and assembled in destination location). Cancel/sign-up for utilities in advance, if relevant. Give your bank and official offices info on your address change. If you are renting, check what is in your lease – so you need to repaint before handing over the old place? Which items need to be returned etc. Oh, last time, once I was on the location, I had a brilliant idea to order groceries to be delivered same day. So when movers left, I had everything in it’s right place and full fridge.
EM84
Oh, reading other comments on this – my movers moved also plants and open bottles/food. Worth to check with them in advance.
anon
I recently made the same East to West move but my caveats are: my employer paid for it, and I only had a one bedroom apartment worth of stuff. They packed mostly everything except for clothes, since I’m weird about other people touching my clothes. They won’t move perishable or flammable stuff, e.g. no bleach or household cleaners, no candles etc. You might be on the hook for damages if you pack your own things whereas they’ll be responsible if they pack.
I would plan on taking/buying some necessities while you’re living at the new place waiting for you things to arrive. Mine arrived three weeks after I did.
I also recommend asking them to unpack and take the boxes away. Saves a lot of work and you can start putting stuff away if you can see them all out in the open.
Scan your things to make sure they’re not damaged and don’t waive your rights to inspect your stuff. They’ll want to get out of their asap but you have all the rights to keep them there while you inventory your things.
Anon
Have them pack your stuff and unpack it if you can afford it. It’s amazing and worth every penny. The unpacking service is awesome – they take all your stuff out of boxes and put it on the nearest surface (bathroom counter, kitchen counter, bed in the bedroom, etc) and then they **take the boxes and paper away!** You aren’t tripping over trash, trying to find random people on Marketplace to come get your boxes, etc. Your home is instantly 10x neater and unpacking goes so much more quickly.
Also, all the major movers are franchises. Mayflower in Charlotte isn’t the same as Mayflower in Hartford, so rely on local reviews.
Anon
I’ve moved cross country twice and both times when we did the math it cost more to move our furniture than buy new stuff. We donated or sold our furniture, shipped our boxes UPS, and drove ourselves to our new home with just stuff we really didn’t want to ship (laptops, jewelry, etc.). Unless you have really nice stuff or your company is paying for the move, it’s not worth it.
anon
I can’t concentrate today. My dad is having some worrying health symptoms — blood in urine, tiredness/fatigue — and finally got labs done yesterday that showed his white blood cell counts are elevated. He’s getting a CT scan today. I am so frustrated with my parents’ lackadasical attitude about anything health related. Dad is 71 and has felt crappy for several weeks now. Why he didn’t see a doctor immediately is beyond me, but they are so resistant to acknowledging ANYTHING hard or difficult. They also don’t ask questions and wait for doctors to tell them things (which they often don’t). It is enormously frustrating. My sister is a nurse and is feeling this harder than anyone, and even she can’t convince them to change their ways. In pre-COVID times, one of us would try to be at major medical appointments, which they haaate, but now it’s much harder and more complicated. Even my mom wouldn’t go in the doctor’s office with him yesterday and waited in the car. Appreciate that she doesn’t want to catch COVID, but c’mon, Mom.
I do not know how to deal with the fact that: a) my parents are aging and stubborn as he!!; b) they are terrible self-advocates and don’t seem to care.
Pj
I have been working from my mom’s house for 2 months as she had some health issues, When they wouldn’t allow me to accompany her on doctor visits or she was in the hospital in quarantine, I had her call me on her cell and put it on speaker so I could ask the doctor questions and hear that the doctor said. None of the doctors objected. I also have access to her electronic medical records online. It was a relief for her not to have to be on top of everything and I can get answers directly.
anon
I may suggest this. It would also require them remembering to keep her phone on and learning how to use speaker phone, but it’s a possible solution. My parents — love them dearly — are smart people who have resisted 21st century technology, which is a whole other rant.
Z
So sorry you’re dealing with this. Thinking of you and your family.
Anonymous
Sorry you’re dealing with this and fingers crossed for good news. Why are parents either like this (stubborn; everything is NBD) or the complete opposite where they freak out and then freak out each of their children about every little thing?? I mean they feel the slightest anything and they will worry and mope and you WILL hear about it and worry and then it’s like oh I didn’t think to take an Advil. Surely there must be a happy medium.
Anonymous
Because all people are like that. Look at the responses on this blog… It’s the same dynamic. Older people! They’re just like us!
anonshmanon
Ha! They truly are!
Senior Attorney
I am an older person and I am indeed just like you! ;)
Anonymous
It wasn’t a compliment.
Anon
I know that. Thanks, though.
Senior Attorney
Oops that was me.
Anonymous
Okay, enjoy insulting yourself for being here and being old then :)
Anonymous
Truth. Plus I think as we get older the tendencies you had when older become more entrenched. Heck the grade school aged kid who was an organized list maker with her trapper keeper is often the person at 35 who is the planner of all family/friend related things often organized with a spreadsheet. Well the 30 year old who things NBD about health and puts off going to the dr. is very likely to still feel that way about drs. and healthcare at 75. And conversely the 30 year old who is the type who is like OMG my toe hurts let me google every detail about that and see a specialist — well guess what at 75 — they’ll be the type worrying their children over every single minor symptom even if it’s just aging or I’m sore when I get out of bed in the morning.
Anonymous
Is your Dad uncomfortable talking to you because of the nature of the issue (eg sounds like it could be prostate)? If so, is there someone else he would feel more comfortable talking to?
My Mom is the same (the doctors office will call if there is a problem…) and I have decided it’s a generational difference and not one I’m going to be able to fix. I encourage, remind and help where I can, but she is a competent adult (at age 87).
P.S. I took he to the doctor last week and I couldn’t go in with her because of COVID.
anon
No, it’s not just this issue, unfortunately. I know my parents are who they are and unlikely to change, but it is a huge source of frustration. They have been very lucky to enjoy good health throughout their adult lives, with a few hiccups here and there. No matter how many times my siblings and I tell them to keep us informed about things, they just … don’t. Add that on top of their unwillingness to ask questions, and I worry like crazy that they could have a major, treatable issue that’s too far gone.
Anonymous
With all due respect — maybe they don’t want you involved in their health issues. If you have asked several times and they continue to ignore your request, they may have answered you — just not the answer you want to hear.
Anon
I used to go hiking all the time until depression hit two years ago (and I lost my hiking partner, aka my boyfriend). This weekend, I’ll be going hiking with a friend, and while I feel I was experienced once upon a time, I’m trying to remember all the things I used to pack. My list so far is water, snacks, change of clothes, extra underwear, extra socks, first aid kit, rain jacket, sunscreen, sunglasses, map of area, masks. I’ve scanned some hiking lists online, but this is just a day hike in a national park so it’s not an obscure area and we aren’t staying overnight. Have I missed anything?
Anon
Drop the change of clothes and underwear and sub a packable down jacket. I also usually put an emergency space blanket into my hiking pack.
Anonymous
+1 for space blanket. Also a whistle.
Anonymous
For national park day hikes I always pack hand sanitizer, soap, and toilet paper, since the restrooms are often out of soap and toilet paper. Also a trowel and biodegradable TP depending on the length of the hike.
Anon
Enough water. I don’t think you need a change of clothes.
Anon
I usually bring my poles. I wouldn’t bring a change of clothes for a day hike and I wouldn’t bring a rain jacket if the forecast was clear – less to carry.
Anon100
Keep extra clothes (minus socks) in the car. Extra water is always good, and if you can’t carry it all, then keep an extra bottle in the car. Could also keep part of the first aid kid in the car, depending on how long your hike is. Also bring a towel to keep in the car, never hurts to have something to dry off sweat or rain when you get back.
anonshmanon
I like a pair of flip flops to change into when I get back to the car. I also like a thermos with ice cubes waiting in the car, and some of my water bottles are the disposable kind (refilled) that I freeze overnight and then pack, so they serve as cold water plus an ice pack during the day.
Anon
If you’re in bear country and have a small portable speaker, I would recommend bringing that and playing music throughout the hike to make sure you’re noisy enough for any nearby bears to hear you (assuming that the trail is not heavily trafficked).
anonshmanon
Aaah, those hikers with speakers really annoy the heck out of me.
Anon
+1. Not the best hiking etiquette! If you’re worried about bears carry bear spray.
Anon
Ugh no don’t do this. That’s the most obnoxious thing ever. Don’t hike solo in bear country.
Anon
This is unnecessary, against all hiking etiquette, and extremely disrespectful to other hikers and wildlife.
Anon
Preach. Don’t do it ever ever ever.
Anon
Absolutely not!
Anonymous
Do not blast music! Talk with your hiking companion, sing songs, or periodically call “Hey, bear!” to make your presence known.
Read up on bear safety. If you decide to carry bear spray, carry it in an easily accessible location and make sure you know how to use it safely. You do not want it blowing back in your own face. I also carry an air horn to scare bears off depending on the situation.
Anon
Here’s some really good info on how to use bear spray: https://www.adn.com/alaska-news/2018/05/04/got-bear-spray-heres-how-to-make-sure-you-use-it-right/
Anon
I am so glad to see the others say this but I’m piling on. Please no one play music while you are hiking!!!! I am there to enjoy nature, not to listen to your music that I probably don’t like and that sound travels farther than you probably thing. Just ugh to this.
mclawyer
I would not bring a change of clothes or a rain coat unless the forecast was rainy. I would bring extra socks. If you’re hiking a mountain with an exposed summit, I suggest a pair of goves and a puffer coat that can be folded in on itself. Also, my hiking backpack has a small roll of toilet paper. I took the cardboard out and it makes it easier to store.
Coffee Slurper
In addition to the advice you already got, I would add: Bring a ziplock for your used TP, it is really gross and against leave-no-trace principals to leave it. Bring a summit beer if you are into that (extra points if it’s in a coozy)! Bring yummy snacks to leave in the car for your ride home.
anonandon
Just a straight up money brag – I was largely ignoring my 401k because of covid volatility, but I calculated my net worth yesterday and it’s officially over 100k! Not much compared to some of the women on here, but I’m proud of myself for crossing that milestone at 25.
Anonymous
This anon internet stranger is proud of you too!
Pink
Congrats – FWIW I think you’re doing great! My net worth at 25 was about 30k, I think? I had been working a decent salaried job for four years, but I had just finished paying student loans and had credit card debt. This internet stranger is proud of you!
Anonymous
Huge high five. I got to that mark at about your age (maybe later) and DH and I just hit 1.2M (combined) on my 35th birthday. Keep doing what you are doing!! It adds up. We are shooting for 2M by his 40th which comes 8 months before mine.
Anonymous
Great job! Keep it up. It really does add up in your 30s and 40s if you get the net worth rolling while young.
Senior Attorney
Wonderful! You go!!
HW
That’s great! My net worth was approximately negative 100k at your age. :)
nuqotw
Go you!!
Anon
Congratulations! Good for you!
Anon
Just some math for you this morning –
If you leave that 100,000 invested in a relatively conservative fund that returns an average 4%, it will grow to around 400K by the time you’re 60. If you invest it in an index fund that returns the average US stock market long term of around 75, it would grow to around $1m by your age 60.
This is why it’s so important to invest while you’re young!
Anon
Are there any common non-menopause reasons for hot flashes at night? I get SO. HOT. while I sleep and it wakes me up every single night. It hasn’t been hot where I live all summer, in fact I’ve had heat on intermittently in the rest of my house since July. But I always sleep with AC on and I’m still too hot. I’m 32, so pretty sure it’s not a symptom of menopause.
Anon
You might want to see an endocrinolgist. Thyroid and other issues could cause this.
Anon
For me, quitting drinking stopped the night sweats that tended to happen as part of my cycle.
Go for it
Medical check is in order firstly.
Secondly, if you are using microfiber sheets that could be a contributing factor. They make me overheat very quickly.
edj3
I had night sweats my entire life, and in fact they only trailed off after I hit menopause. I was a very high estrogen producer so you might see if that’s what’s going on with you.
Anonymous
If you sleep with a pet or a partner, they may be to blame. I had a dog who would go to sleep full on top of my torso but move when I started to get hot and restless. It took me forever to solve that mystery, but my hotflashes ended when I set Dogbert up with his own me-shaped pillow on the bed.
Anon
For me, it was Zoloft.
Anon
Hyperthyroid/Graves disease.
anon
I have had this issue (nowhere near menopause either) and it was definitely related to hormones that were out of whack. Once I got back on birth control, the problem resolved.
Anon
Thanks, all! I stopped taking BC about a year ago, which is when I remember this really starting to be an issue, so perhaps it’s related to that. Will definitely bring it up with my doctor, though.
Midwesterner
I have the same problem and I hate sleeping without covers, which just makes it worse. I invested in a Chilipad and it’s been a game changer. I sleep incredibly well and never get hot, even under a down comforter. Best invention ever.
Nanny question
Curious if anyone else is still paying their nanny but not having them come in to work because of risk of infection? I’m in NYC, nanny lives in another borough and commutes by bus and train for 90 min each way to get to my apartment. She has also worked for us for 7 years.
Anonymous
No wayyyyyyy
Anon
No, we brought ours back after about three weeks (non hotspot in CA). But she drives and she was living alone until her roommate returned last month, and she also practiced social distancing. I don’t know anyone who has paid their nanny this entire time for not working – most either let them go or brought them back after about a month (in my area at least).
Anonymous
If she’s masked and washes hands on arrival, it’s pretty low risk to have her come. If you are really concerned you could do reduce hours so she can commute at off peak times.
Anon
i know people who did for the summer and the nanny since told them to stop. is the nanny not coming at this point because you dont want her to come due to public transportation use or bc she doesn’t want to come bc of public transportation use. one friend in nyc has been paying for ubers for their nanny (so still some exposure), another actually found a sublet for their nanny bc they are desperate for childcare and while this is a huge stretch for them financially, it is worth it for them right now. 7 years is a long time to employ someone. do you plan on eventually finding another nanny? good nannies are hard to find. think about at what point you would feel comfortable having her or any nanny come back? once she has the vaccine? once you have a vaccine? once everyone has a vaccine? i am pretty risk averse, but if our nanny agreed to wear a mask for her whole commute, and then maybe washed hands and changed clothes upon arrival, i might start having her come again. or if there is a way to pay for uber for even part of her commute
Anon
Similar situation in NYC. We brought ours back 2 weeks ago after paying her full time. We just had a conversation beforehand about what we were comfortable with and what she was comfortable with. In the end, together we decided the subway was ok as long as she was masked, washed her hands when she came in, and changed her clothes. Obviously, YMMV, but this has enabled us to get back to a more regular work schedule.
NYCer
+1. Our nanny is coming back next week, and will ride the subway. We have been out of state since March (just got back) and paid her the entire time.
Anon
I gave mine off from March-mid-June with pay. I started a new job and needed her back. She is high risk (over 70) and she is taking precautions, as are we.
Anon
Adding, I’m not in NYC but in the close suburbs and we were definitely a hotspot in March-April. Our nanny drives to work.
Anonymous
Maybe this is a stupid question (IDK!), but can she apply for unemployment?
AFT
She would need to be paid over the table/with taxes to get unemployment. Many nannies are not.
Anonymous
Or she could have filed her own taxes as an independent contractor? Some states are allowing contractors to file due to COVID.
professional photos
My husband and I don’t have kids. The last professional photos we had taken were at our wedding, one hundred years ago. I’m thinking of having some new pictures done. (We’d do them safely or post-pandemic. I haven’t looked into best practices yet but will, so don’t yell in my eye). I’ve been looking at local photographers’ instas and am not really seeing poses, locations, etc that seem right for two adults who aren’t engaged/just married/knocked up. Do y’all have any advice?
Anonymous
Wouldn’t engagement photos be pretty similar set ups?
Senior Attorney
My husband and I do this every year or two (we like to keep current individual head shots and do joint sessions including shots with the two of us). Just find a photographer whose general vibe you like and trust them to do a good job for your circumstances.
Anonie
What a beautiful idea! A couple of thoughts:
1. Online, I’ve seen a lot of couples posting pictures from socially-distanced outdoor photoshoots where the photographer stayed 6-feet (or more!) away at all times. My fiancé and I actually did outdoors engagement photos back in the very early stages of the pandemic. At the time, our region was not hard-hit, masks were not mandated or very much expected in our area, and we didn’t take staying a full 6 feet away from the photographer as seriously as we would today now that we know more and are doing our best to mitigate the spread. Still, I think we could have been much more cautious, kept our distance, and still gotten beautiful pictures.
2. I don’t know how old you are, but I am assuming that you are not super young since you’ve been married so long. I always LOVE to see photos that celebrate the beauty of women that are no longer “young” (young being relative, I realize, ha). I am a few weeks away from turning 30 (still young, in my opinion) and I hate that society has conditioned women to cringe at every passing decade. I think mature beauty and mature love are things to celebrate! I’m rambling now but my point is…I think any photo shoot with you and your husband would be stunning and special. I think we associate love with youth way too much (movies, book, and song lyrics have historically been about young love) and posing for beautiful pictures with your loved one shouldn’t be branded as the exclusive right of the young or the newly engaged.
Ok, stepping off my soapbox haha.
Korvapuusti
A couple of thoughts – first, some photographers do “at home” sessions, where they come and photograph you doing something around your home. If you have a nice outdoor space, that might be a good option to get them done now, or you could wait until post-pandemic. I feel like a lot of times the couple is doing something like making a meal or playing board games. (Here’s an example I found – not entirely to my taste, but you get the idea: https://www.magnoliarouge.com/lifestyle/lifestyle-simple-at-home-couples-photo-session/)
Another thing to look at is whether any of the photographers you like are doing “mini sessions.” They will typically release a bunch of time slots at a couple different locations – botanical gardens, state parks, etc. and you can sign up for a limited time, but also a much lower price point. Generally these are good for families (often they have a 6 person limit), couples that are getting married somewhere else and don’t have a local photographer for engagement pics, headshots, and possibly what you’re looking for!
Senior Attorney
Oh, and also? Be sure to get some shots in your masks. We did it and only wish we’d gotten more! It will be a hoot in years to come.
Elegant Giraffe
Is heartburn just a thing that starts happening as you age? I am early 30s and have gained a significant amount of weight in the past year. About six months ago, I did a two week course of Prilosec that was helpful. Issue came back again maybe a month ago, I did another two week course. The effects have already worn off. A Tums or Pepto helps temporarily though I don’t use them consistently. I can’t connect it to any specific food or drink nor time of day (though I’m not tracking super closely). I enjoy some of the worst offenders (spicy food, coffee) but those have been in my diet for years. Do I start with a GI doctor?
Anonymous
Maybe start a food diary and track your symptoms along with that, which you could bring to your dr appointment (or try cutting down to less coffee spicy food)
Anon
No, it isn’t, is the short answer.
If the only thing that’s changed is your weight, that’s probably where you want to start.
Anonymous
Possibly could it be from eating larger volumes of your usual foods (a bigger portion of spicy food than in the past)?
Anon
You probably don’t need a GI doctor– your PCP can probably help. It sounds like you could probably address this yourself with lifestyle changes and a food journal. Losing weight may help– you also may find that some foods that used to be fine for you are now triggers. For example, I drink coffee every day and used to have no issues. Now, I have found that most dark roasts give me heartburn. I have to do light or medium. It took me a while to figure this out. (My parents use a dark roast, and I had heartburn constantly when visiting them but thought it was food-related.)
Elegant Giraffe
Hmmm OK I hadn’t thought about variations in foods (like light vs. dark roast, maybe certain types of spice are OK and others aren’t). Thank you.
Acid Reflux
Start with your PCP, and they may suggest a referral. YMMV: I’m about a decade older than you are, and had a horrific case earlier this year where my heartburn really made my chest hurt for a few weeks and I couldn’t figure out what was going on, since my diet hadn’t really changed in any way, although maybe I was drinking 1-2 glasses of wine more than usual at the start of the pandemic. Diagnoses was GER and possible GERD. My PCP put me on Nexium for a couple of months, and I have had to cut out (entirely) alcohol, coffee, tea, decaf of either, all soda, all carbonated beverages (including seltzer), high fat foods, tomatoes in all their forms, chocolate, mint, and all citrus. I feel 99% better, and will be tapering off the drug and slowly adding things back into my diet to see what I can tolerate. Nexium and Tums long term are apparently not good for you, so I’ll need to make adjustments to my diet. If needed, it will be drugs long term, but we’re hoping lifestyle changes will be enough. I was referred to a GI after about six weeks (when it was clear this was in fact the problem), but had to wait another month to get an appointment.
Elegant Giraffe
Thank you! Good advice and helped me identify a few more culprits I hadn’t thought of (seltzer).
Anon
Many people produce less stomach acid as they age. Lower stomach acid can prevent the processes that prevent heartburn. I’d definitely want to see a GI doctor to know what’s really going on (motility issues or stomach acid issues). Taking anti-acids can improve symptoms in the short term while worsening the long term problem (learned this the hard way).
Anon
I would really recommend seeing a GI doctor over a PCP or GP, since the latter routinely think “heartburn = acid, so the solution is lowering acid.” But the solution may be raising acid (or improving motility, or diagnosing an underlying condition like hypothyroidism, or something else entirely).
Elegant Giraffe
This is helpful. I think I’ll try eliminating some of the triggers mentioned in this thread and smaller meals size, and then go to a GI if that doesn’t work.
anon for this
I noticed a huge change in this right around when I turned 35. All of a sudden I could not eat anything acidic at night — no red sauce, no red wine, etc., without serious heartburn. Now a few years later I basically take a Pepcid every night before dinner. My GP said it’s not a big deal and to not worry about it, but it’s worth checking with your GP to make sure.
Anonymous
It’s the weight gain. It literally puts more pressure on your stomach and then the contents of your stomach get pushed up into your throat. Doctors won’t tell you this because weight loss is so touchy, but it’s just physics.
Anon
No, you don’t know it’s the weight gain in OP’s case. You can suggest it, but it’s not “just physics.” There are plenty of obese people who never have heartburn.
OP, I’ve found that I’ve had heartburn more often with darker coffee roasts and larger meals.
Elegant Giraffe
Thank you! I would guess the weight gain probably does have something to do with it, but weight loss is easier said than done for me. I have noticed a connection with larger meals – thanks for pointing that out.
Pompom
This.
It’s a lot of things, not just the physics of weight pushing on your stomach. For many people, it’s a muscle issue in their esophagus or stomach, NOT the contents of your stomach getting squeezed up your throat.
Anonymous
I switched to La Croix waters and gave myself dreadful reflux. I have switched back to ice tea and still water and everything is fine. You might start there.
Elegant Giraffe
I will try this. I’ve never liked carbonated beverages until just a few months ago and I now enjoy a seltzer a few times a week. I’ll try cutting it out.
Anon
Do you have asthma? I got really terrible heartburn from an inhaler I took a few years ago, but it went away immediately when I stopped taking it. I started to get heartburn on and off in my mid thirties as I put on some weight, but I lost that weight a few years ago and have had absolutely no issues since then. Your weight gain is probably the trigger, but I recognize that losing the weight isn’t necessarily easy so it can still be worth seeking treatment while recognizing that weight loss may ultimately be one of the more effective long term solutions.
Elegant Giraffe
That’s so interesting – I don’t have asthma. Glad you have relief.
Anon
My husband had a lot of GI problems, and he had h pylori, a common bacteria that causes ulcers and other issues. His PCP sent him for a breath test, which was positive, and a few weeks’ course of antibiotics took care of it. I was also tested, and I was negative.
Anonymous
So it could be weight gain, but it could also be diet. And not to scare you, but I would have a doctor rule out something more serious. My friend’s mother had bad heartburn and it turned out to be esophageal cancer.
Anon
Does anyone have the Tempo? It seems to integrate the attractive parts of Peloton (streaming + equipment) while being less bulky and being more suitable for someone like myself who doesn’t like to do cycling-type workouts. It also has a form correction function back by AI, which is cool and creepy. Since it includes equipment that would otherwise probably be independently expensive to purchase, it seems to be a good value. But, I literally just learned about it, so feedback welcome!
https://tempo.fit/
Anon
Federal employees, are you doing anything to deal with this tax fiasco? My husband is a fed and just sent me this article since I handle our family’s finances. Anyone know if there is a way to opt or to just pay the payroll taxes directly to the IRS this year?
Cynically, I see this as people being happy Trump got them a “raise” and then mad at Biden if he wins for having to cut it next year.
https://www.govexec.com/pay-benefits/2020/09/planned-payroll-tax-deferrals-create-minefield-feds/168165/
anonshmanon
That’s annoying! I would set the money aside and expect to pay it back later.
Anon
My husband is also a Fed and the things I’ve read (not extensively I’ll admit) suggest that they will automatically deduct it next year and you don’t pay it back yourself. The whole thing is so pointless!
anonshmanon
in that case, I would have the money set aside to pay myself back for a lower-than-normal paycheck. It all comes out the same.
Another Fed
My agency just sent out notices. It begins at the end of this month, we cannot opt out, and the money will be deducted from our paychecks for the first four months of next year. It’s the employee contribution to Social Security that is being “paused,” so we’ll pay double into Soc Sec at the beginning of 2021. I can see on my paystub how much it is, and will just have to save that amount and add it back into my budget for next year. Note that for us, not everyone will see the difference; it impacts those earning $4000 per biweekly pay period or less. For more senior Feds, it won’t be deducted, but of course some of them will hit the Social Sec max contributions limit in Sept/Oct anyway. Hatch Act = No Comment.
Anonymous
That’s not being cynical, it’s just being accurate. Which reminds me I need to post something about that to my Facebook feed for my trump-loving relatives to remind them this is a tax deferral, not cut, and it’s not the democrats’ fault when your payroll tax goes up next year
Anon
Thanks, everyone. I have an old savings account w/ $4 or so in it. I’ll direct the additional money there via automatic transfer to keep it segregated from our other accounts and then next year have it directly transferred back bi-weekly.
Anon
Has anyone read any of Tolstoy’s works? Did you enjoy them? Which would you recommend to start with?
Anon
I read War & Peace on maternity leave last year and loved it. Admittedly it is a heavy book that I may or may not have partially balanced on the baby sometimes while nursing, but you can also get the kindle version. Surprisingly, I really liked the “war” sections because they focused more on the organizational function/dysfunction aspects of the military — things that will be familiar to most people who have worked for a large organization. This book might have also hit me at the right time because, for me, this was a good book with for people with more life experience vs. Anna Karenina which I would have loved as a teenager but could not get into as much emotionally when I read it at 30.
Vicky Austin
Ha, I’ve been doing Anna Karenina on Serial Reader for the past year or so (factoring in falling off the wagon) and I have the same feeling. Would have loved it as a teen and/or before reading Madame Bovary (which I hate).
Quail
I found Anna Karenina to be one of those books that resonated differently with me at different points in my life (college student v. 30-something mom).
Haven’t read War and Peace but sounds like I should!
Moonstone
Anna Karenina was wonderful and not really what I expected. Recommend.
nuqotw
I’ve only read Anna Karenina and I loved it. It was at a time when I was commuting by train and it was for a time my train book.
Hot takes ahoy!
I read Anna Karenina sometime in college and remember thinking Karenin was definitely dreamier than that fool Vronsky, so what on earth was wrong with Anna? It was still a pleasure to read, since Tolstoy is one of those authors like George Eliot who just drops interesting observations about people and life effortlessly into every scene.
My favorite Russian classic (not Tolstoy) is definitely Fathers and Sons, though. Such a perfect portrait of a generation. The characters were a joy (Bazarov is such a hipster), and I loved the philosophical discussions. Once I learned what nihilism really was, I was like, “Huh, that’s actually pretty reasonable.”
nutella
Yes, no, and none. Haha. I read War & Peace and Anna Karenina. I liked AK more than War & Peace but still only meh. You don’t meet Anna until like 80 pages in and I don’t know, the story felt predictable for such a long slog of a book. I’m different from Vicky, I guess in that I liked Madame Bovary more and would suggest that or A Doll’s House for (men’s) commentary on men-women’s relationships during that era.
Anonie
I remember enjoying Anna Karenina when I read it years ago! To be honest, I don’t remember too much else about it other than a few iconic scenes.
Kitten
Yes, Anna Karenina is one of my favorite books. For some reason, I couldn’t get into War & Peace and quit halfway, but I should probably try again.
Worried
What flat casual shoes are fashionable with skirts and dresses? In fall and winter I wear tights and boots— I love tall boots as my legs run cold, but I have booties for early fall. ,so I have that covered. In spring and summer I wear closed toed sling back shoes that are casual (naot,) or leather ecco sneakers. I have lots of foot issues, so I’m wondering if I’m missing a type of shoe fashion wise that I could adapt to my orthotic. I’ve tried vionic ballet flats and they don’t fit right — to big or too tight so their sizing doesn’t work and I’m not sure how stylish ballet flats are. Is there a style Out there for the transitional weather coming up? I feel like I only have the ecco and closed toe sling backs and would love to add more to my rotation. TIA!
Anon
I also wear naots and they accommodate my orthotic really well. The key is finding a style with a closed back.
Fly London also makes a number of styles with a very low wedge that have closed backs and fit orthotics well.
Senior Attorney
I’ve been wearing loafers and sneakers with skirts and dresses.
Kitten
Agree, I got the re/done 70s tennis shoes and love how they look with a lot of my more casual dresses. Currently wearing some cool Marni slip-on loafers. Ballet flats are kind of dated and frumpy, but I still occasionally wear pointed toe ballet flats.
Anonymous
I like loafers and some Mary Janes. Aetrex, Earth and Clarks may be worth a look.
Worried
Thank you for the suggestions – I wasn’t able to check back soon enough –these seem like great suggestions. I wll hopefully add a loafer to my dress+ sneakers and dress + naot combo:)
Aunt Jamesina
Try out oxfords, too!