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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Military Zip-Front Ponte Blazer

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Black a zipped front, hardware-studded epaulettes and notched lapels blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I love a blazer with a little twist, and this military-inspired blazer from Karen Millen fits the bill. The ponte fabric reads a bit more casual to my eye than a traditional blazer, but the shape is gorgeous and the detailing is lovely.

The blazer is $171.20, marked down from $214, at Karen Millen, and it comes in sizes 2–14. In addition to black, it also comes in camel, navy, and fig.

Sales of note for 1/16/25:

  • M.M.LaFleur – Tag sale for a limited time — jardigans and dresses $200, pants $150, tops $95, T-shirts $50
  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – 40-70% off everything
  • L.K. Bennett – Archive sale, almost everything 70% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Sephora – 50% off top skincare through 1/17
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer; 50% off winter sale; extra 15% off clearance
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 50% off + extra 20% off, sale on sale, plus free shipping on $150+

444 Comments

  1. I like this! Not familiar with the brand though. I’m an 8 (top, because of stomach) / 10 (bottom, because of hips/thighs) flat-chested pear. If this item might work for me, which size? Also, I have a short torso. That is a fatal combo in some brands (Boss, sadly).

    2. I like this too! And the other colors are beautiful as well, especially fig and camel. Also never heard of the brand.

    3. British brand, had a mall presence in the 00s, decent quality then, was closer to Theory than Gap, runs small.

      1. Now owned by Boohoo, so I don’t know if the quality has held up (or the supply chain management…)

  2. I was at an event where pictures were taken. Seeing them, my posture is pretty bad (years of desk computer work followed by years of hunching over a computer on my bed while WFH for COVID). What is good for helping to undo this damage / habit? It is so much worse than I thought. Not holding my head up is a problem — apparently mine now just forward.

    1. Pilates and yoga in general. For head pushing forwards, do chin tucks (pull your head back to give yourself a double chin, hold for a second, then relax). Posture issues are caused by weak muscles, not laziness!

    2. Search for exercises to correct a dowager’s hump and do those regularly. Correct the office set up and work habits thta created the problem at the outset, as well. You can do this!

    3. Be friends with yesterday’s poster who digs her fingers into you when she sees you slumping :) Kidding! Exercise and stretching. I need to work on this myself, my shoulders are always in front of my ears.

        1. I just thought about GWB giving Angela Merkel an unwelcome shoulder rub at whatever summit that was, and her shocked reaction. 🤦🏻‍♀️

      2. Same – what an intrusive and odd habit. I thought about this last night, as this would so absolutely bother me.

        1. Send the shoulder pullers my way. I’d love someone to dig their fingers into my tight shoulders on the regular.

    4. Pilates has helped me so much. I’ve done it regularly for a year, and my posture is completely different. I can actually sit up straight. I don’t have as much of a pelvic tilt. My hamstrings are so much looser, I can touch the ground with my palms, even when wearing 1.5 inch heeled shoes. My core is so much stronger and I have mini-abs (I call it a 2 pack – I am in my early 40s and like to eat so pretty pleased with this situation).
      I do still slouch at my desk, but when I realize I am doing it I can correct it.
      I like to do all the classes: reformer, tower, mat, jumpboard. Start with some private lessons so you get the fundamentals and what your personal body limitations are.
      All bodies can do pilates.

      1. Emi Wong on YouTube has a number of 10 minute videos to improve posture. I do one of them everyday and it’s helped tremendously.

  3. Has anybody ever successfully purchased the dyson air wrap as part of the Sephora sale? I’ve looked for it at past sales and it always seems to be sold out. Wondering if I should try my luck waiting for the upcoming sale in a couple of weeks or just look for a refurbished one?

    1. I purchased mine during Sephora sale days, either 20% or 25% off. I don’t recall the exact discount, but it was whatever the standard sale days discount was at the time.

    2. FWIW, I purchased refurbished directly from Dyson at the start of the pandemic. It is still working like a dream after frequent use and rare cleaning. I believe it came with a year or two warranty as well. I wouldn’t hesitate to do refurbished from the manufacturer again. (I LOVE my Airwrap–I have shoulder length hair.Buying the longer rods separately was a game changer–so may be useful to factor in that cost as well if your hair is similar length.) I don’t think it straightens all that well or differently than any other hair dryer with the attachment, but the big bouncy curls are amazing.

  4. Does anyone use Marriott Bonvoy awards? I signed up mainly for air miles, which I redeem every few years in a family trip. For hotel points, is that a theoretical benefit or something really useable? I have maybe 20K points but am now staying regularly for work now that work travel is back.

    1. They don’t add up super quick, but yes it’s real and I’ve used them for hotel stays before.

    3. My family is a huge user of Bonvoy awards. We use a Marriott credit card and that helps a lot with racking up points. I would say that we use an average of 6 free nights a year, mostly at mid-range hotels (Courtyard, Residence Inn, etc.), while visiting family or on road trips. At the nicer hotels for vacations, we pay and get triple points and access to Concierge Lounges. We get a lot more out of Bonvoy points than we do from airline points.

    4. They work in the sense that it’s not a scam, but I find it hard to redeem them. I’m usually fairly constrained by location and other parameters (pets, kids, etc) and the hotel that I need to stay in either doesn’t allow redemptions or has redemptions at a really terrible rate relative to cash. I’ve had about 60k points in my account for around a decade and haven’t been able to use them.

    5. Yes I always try to stay somewhere I earn points. I’ve had two Hawaiian vacations paid for with points so far, earned in my pre-pandemic days as a road warrior.

    6. I’ve always heard Hilton has a better rewards program. I’ve got points with both Marriott and Hilton. I’ve successfully used Hilton points to book a hotel for a friend who had to travel back to her home town to bury her mother and her immediate family was not a good place to stay. It was easy to book the hotel in points even for someone else. I haven’t yet tried to used Marriott points but will as I start to travel more.

    7. I have both Marriott and Hilton benefits, I think Hilton might be slightly better, but I have not had much trouble using Marriott points. However, I don’t have parameters like pets to worry about. I have used them a lot for things like a weekend getaway, to stay over for an out-of-town concert, etc.; I use them regularly enough that I haven’t saved the points needed for a big trip.

    8. I’ve used them quite a bit. If you have status with Marriott, you can often get nice upgrades. I’ve gotten free suites a bunch of times, even in locations like New York City.

      1. What level status do you have? I don’t stay in Marriott hotels that often, but I have Gold status through United Airlines’ gold status, and I’ve never gotten an upgrade (or any other acknowledgement of my status, for that matter).

  5. Give me your best, light but impactful moisturizer for daily use to apply in the morning under everything else? My face is dry as a bone and I fear it will be a long winter of this. Willing to spend a bit if needed. Bonus if it’s at Ulta, Amazon or some other convenient-to-me kind of place. I use Paula’s Choice, EltaMD and some other products of that tier if that’s helpful? TIA.

    1. Vanicream in the pump bottle! It goes on thick but once it absorbs it is invisible and is fine to put on under makeup IMO. My other favorite is Dr. Jart Ceramidin cream. I apply it at night and wake up GLOWING but it’s much more spendy than the Vanicream.

      2. +1 I use Dr. Jart Ceramidin cream over HADA LABO Goku-jyun Hyaluronic Lotion (yellow bottle) in the AM and PM. Absolutely no pilling, and makeup glides on. At night, I’ll also layer with the Laneige Cica Sleeping Mask, Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery Concentrate oil, and use a humidifier. I have combo normal/dry skin, which always looks plump and dewy now thanks to this routine!

    2. I love the CeraVe moisturizer! Inexpensive but works beautifully for me as a first layer. In the coldest/driest months I add some additional moisturizers or oils as needed.

      1. I use CeraVe PM at night. Don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to use the AM. I’ll be using whatever lotion I purchase as a base, followed by a good moisturizing serum from my esthetician, then EltaMD moisturizing sunscreen. Hopefully with the three I’ll be locked and loaded.

        1. I started using it when we moved to NM and it’s made such a difference! My skin actually feels soft.

    4. For me, a critical step in my skincare routine is toner. If I don’t do that, all the moisturizer in the world just sits on top of my flaking skin. If I use it, my skin absorbs any moisturizer far better.

      1. Where in your steps do you do the toner? And is it AM and PM? I have Paula’s Choice that I like. I use it after washing and before the PM moisturizer. I don’t currently use it in the morning. Right now, in the morning, it’s (1) cleanse, (2) moisturizer, (3) serum, (4) sunscreen.

      2. +1 – the dear klairs toner is my holy grail. In the summer 2 layers are enough for me, in the winter 2 layers plus a thicker moisturizer and I see a HUGE difference.

    5. L’occitane light comforting cream. The only moisturizer that doesn’t irritate my skin.

    6. I still like Clinique’s Dramatically Different. I don’t know if that’s as light as what you want, but it’s more impactful for my skin, if my skin is actually dry, than something like Vanicream or Cerave (which are not “winter” moisturizers for me). If they still have those beauty counters at the mall, maybe they would let you sample some!

    9. I use Kiehls moisturizer. But… wanted to put in a plug for a different strategy. It may be that something else you use is drying you out. It might be worth trying a different sunscreen or foundation for a week or so to see if that helps.

    10. I use classic Oil of Olay SPF 15. Goes on super light under everything, and it’s cheap enough that I generously slather it on my neck, chest, and backs of my hands as well.

    11. I feel like it’s kind of an old-lady brand, but I’ve never found anything I like better than Estee Lauder DayWear Moisturizer Multi-Protection Anti-Oxidant 24H-Moisture Crème SPF 15. It’s really light, has a pleasant fragrance, and best of all it keeps my face from getting all flaky all winter.

    13. My skin is not dry as a bone on the regular (really more oil slick but now with wrinkles!) but when it is I use Paula’s Choice ultra light serum as a moisturizer and I do use it under concealer just fine. That might end up super pricey though.

  6. What is the coziest wearable thing you own? I’m cold all the time and want to invest in a few things that really keep me toasty this winter. Interested in both things to wear at home as well as out and about.

    1. For at home only: a knock-off Oodie. A knee length fleece hoodie thing.

      Also wearable outside: a Charles River fleece sweatshirt thing with poppers instead of a half zip and in a tunic length (Rec came from Grace Atwood for any readers of the Stripe thinking that’s familiar sounding)

    2. LL Bean fairisle wool zip cardigan with “sherpa” fleece lining. I think it is outweear but it is inside wear for people like me who freeze if we are sitting still.

      1. They aren’t offering that this year and I could kick myself for not buying it last year. I am glad to have the rec!

    3. At home, I sometimes wrap myself in an electric blanket when I’m particularly freezing.

      1. In that same vein, I’ve had my ororo heated jacket for a year and am pretty happy with it.

        1. +1, but mine is an Ororo vest. I am sitting at my desk WFH, wearing it now because I have not yet turned the heat on.

        2. I loooove my ororo vest. It is the best pandemic present I ever received. I use it for outside dining all the time.

    4. Fleece is the way for me. It’s soft, it’s warm, it’s comforting without feeling like I’m drowning in fabric.

    5. I have shearling lined Birkenstocks. I’m wearing them now with leggings and this oversized cable knit sweater. Highly recommend.

      I also own ugg bootie slippers and those are great too.

      https://www.shopstyle.com/g/women/treasure-bond/quarter-zip-cable-knit-sweater/898154658?imageId=f1a331491a863869265b0c47da29d78f

      https://www.birkenstock.com/us/arizona-shearling-suede-leather/arizonashearling-suedeshearling-suedeleatherfur-0-eva-w_1239.html?gclid=CjwKCAjwqJSaBhBUEiwAg5W9pwC33wIxR0a8oIHE_5ybI4yvSh0ugs5HJx556SrPN0R-qJdVyFak4hoCc00QAvD_BwE

      1. came here to recommend this! shearling birks 100%. I wear the Arizona ones (2 strap) with wool socks and they are cozy but they also make a clog version.

        1. The clog version is the Boston. Shearling lined Boston clogs are my ride or die from October-May.

    6. I plan to spend all winter in my Sherpa lined hoodie and joggers. I’ve stocked up on many pairs.

      For work, I wear thermal shirts and leggings under regular clothes.

        1. I got my sisters sherpa joggers off Am@zon.
          I don’t have a sherpa hoodie, but my sherpa-lined trucker jacket from Levi’s is fantastic.

        1. I completely wore through the shearling and the leather on a pair that I have been wearing since March 2020. Fortunately, I have backups of this discontinued style.

    8. I splurged on a long Barefoot Dreams robe. I’ve had it for like 5 years, and aside from not being as (off)white as it used to be, it’s going strong and totally worth it.

      1. I exclusively wear at home indoors (mostly don’t want to get it dirty) but it looks good on Zoom too. I got the chocolate brown cause I love coffee and chocolate and don’t want to accidentally stain it haha.

    10. The Athleta cozy karma sweatshirt dresses and fleece lined leggings (plus Carhartt winter socks) are my home office and honestly errands uniform all winter.

    11. For inside, wicked good shearling slippers from LL Bean, wool socks, fleece joggers (in a tall size so they actually cover my ankles), a fitted cotton tank and lightweight wool sweater, topped with a heavyweight hoodie with convenient hand pockets is the height of winter fashion for me.

      For outside, a knee-length, hooded down puffer coat and fleece-lined hiking pants, wool socks, wool gloves inside wool mittens, a wool scarf, wool hat, and lace-up tall Columbia snow boots.

    12. Keeping my neck and feet warm are key for me. Turtlenecks (I like them tight) and or scarves around my neck plus fleece or a wool sweater and Smartwool socks and shearling slippers help tremendously. In the dead of MN winter, a lap blanket is also helpful.

    15. An infinity scarf in your favorite material – I can’t do wool so mine are usually fleecy or acrylic. They don’t fall off an the neck coverage really helps the coziness factor.

    16. Lands End has great sherpa lined robes. LL Bean has wonderful sherpa lined lounge pants for ladies.

      Finally, my mom was always cold before she died and I bought her a few woven fur things (vests, jackets) on The Real Real that were god-sends for her.

    18. Turtleneck poncho made from alpaca wool. I use it on days I get IVs and getting cold fluids pumped into me makes me so cold my teeth chatter, but the alpaca wool now keeps me warm.

  7. Someone posted yesterday about gifting a book to their mentee. I don’t recommend good girls don’t get the corner office – that book is pretty dated and talks a lot about gender stereotypes. I liked lean in but many people think that the message is pretty rich coming from someone who got extremely lucky twice. I do recommend gifting a book however. I gave Jodi Glickman’s Great on the Job to two of my law firm mentees and I thinks the tips in that book will help them way more than, say, a scarf.

    1. I didn’t see this post, but I will blindly recommend the Defining Decade which helps people think about their 20s and setting up for their 30s.

      2. On the flip side my roommate read that and got so anxious from it that she started therapy over the book

        1. IDK anything about the book but your roommate probably had pre-existing reasons for starting therapy – I’m glad they found the push to start going though, therapy’s incredibly useful.

      3. This book made me so anxious I had to throw it out after a couple chapters. It’s not helpful if you already recognize the importance of setting yourself up for success, it just makes you feel like OMG I’M BEHIND. This is the book you give to a twenty something who’s coasting along without a care in the world. It doesn’t offer useful tools to someone who’s already thinking about the future.

    2. Team scarf here. I think all those books are awful as a gift. This was from a mentor who can presumably provide better, custom advice. Gift the scarf, go out for coffee a few times a year, be a resource when she needs one.

    3. If you get her a book, skip the “ladies in business” genre, as most of them are outdated or just plain bad. Get her a good book that would appeal to a broader audience. I’m a fan of many of the HBR guides.

    4. I’m a fan of giving a book, but a substantive book about the field rather than an advice-type book (which can also come off as condescending). When my male intern completed his degree this year, I gave him a new book about our field from an angle that I knew he would be interested in. This is what I would have liked to receive too when I was in his shoes.

      1. Agreed, those professional advice books – especially ones geared toward women – come off more like self help books and frankly I rarely agree with everything they say. I’d get her a nice book about your practice area. If you’re a litigator maybe there’s a history of our court type book. Or something (non controversial) written by a Supreme Court justice.

    5. A mentor gave me Who Thought This Was a Good Idea?, which I loved. It’s a great memoir and I loved how candid she was about the combination of luck / hard work / personal circumstances that go into building a career.

      I also love Working Identity for people at a crossroads in their career.

      1. I loved this book for the reasons mentioned (was a candid representation of grit but also how much of our careers can come down to right place, right time). Never thought of gifting it, but it is exactly the type of book I would have wanted as a 21-22 year old.

  8. DH thinks our teen daughter has an RBF and is constantly telling her to smile more. I think this is the most obnoxious thing (any male person – dad or not – telling a girl she should smile) and I just want him to cut it out and focus on whether or not she’s actually happy and we’ll adjusted, and not on how she appears to others. He has this idea that when someone forces a smile, they actually start feeling better too. I’m having trouble articulating why I find this so distasteful. He thinks I’m just carrying baggage from my very appearance-conscious mom but that there’s nothing sinister about him doing this. Should someone with RBF be told to smile more often?

    1. I would try telling him to smile on a regular basis and see how he likes it! Especially in public.

      1. +10000. Has he ever told a man or boy to smile? Or is it suspiciously only girls/women? It’s demeaning.

      3. I think this is a great idea. Do it around the house, at the dinner table, driving in the car. I am guessing he will get the point quickly.

        1. Do it while he’s writing a work email. When he’s mowing the lawn. While he’s getting his first cup of coffee in the morning.

          1. Ha, this made me laugh because I apparently scowl at my computer when writing emails or reviewing spreadsheets. A habit I didn’t know about until I worked from home and my husband pointed it out. I just reminded him he’s lucky that I’m getting my daily quota of scowling out on an inanimate object and not him.

    2. Ohhhh heck no. This raises ALL my hackles. I don’t have RBF but I naturally have a serious expression on my face most of the time. The number of times that men have told me “you’re so much prettier when you smile” makes my blood boil. I have NEVER gotten this feedback from another woman.

      Keep fighting the fight for your daughter’s sake. What your H is doing is so not cool.

    4. Of course he shouldn’t be telling her to smile more. You need to have a serious talk with him. Also encourage your daughter to speak up and tell him no!

    5. I don’t know, but I think his theory isn’t wrong. My 6 year old can be such a grump but when she can smile, it just sort of changes the whole mood. Fwiw she doesn’t have a RBF that I’ve noticed, she’s just surly ;).

      1. But it is SO OBNOXIOUS to try to force someone into smiling. Faking it is not going to have the intended effect. If the smile is genuine and coming from within, great. But I am really not into making kids feel a certain way.

      2. She’s six. It is rather demeaning when you are an adult or proto-adult and someone tells you to smile like you’re six.

      3. i also think a 6 year old is different than a teen. when i can get my 4 year olds laughing it can totally change the mood

        1. But you get them laughing, which is an expression of joy. You don’t just say “Hey smile!”

    6. He’s not wrong. Posture and countenance affect our inner dispositions.
      You’re not wrong: whether your daughter is actually peaceful and at rest internally matters more than what her countenance shows.
      He’s not wrong: your experience with your mom, with other men, etc. is likely adding fuel to your irritation (anger?) at him.
      You’re not wrong: regularly telling someone to smile is obnoxious.

      Are either of you willing to genuinely listen and hear what the other is saying, or has this devolved into both of you needing to prove you’re right/not wrong?

      1. Agree with this, but the upshot should be that DH finds another way to check on his daughter’s mental and emotional health.

        1. Exactly. There are thousands (millions?) of articles, blog posts, tweets, and other expressions of women’s actual lived experiences with being told to smile. Including the OP’s! I think husband should be listening to the enormous chorus of women telling the world this is not okay. Why does his obnoxious behavior deserve equal weight when he’s purposely ignoring the voices of the actual people this affects???

      2. Actually I’m pretty sure he IS wrong. There was some psych research that suggested that “power poses” made you more assertive, and I think a separate study that fake smiles made you feel happier. I am pretty sure nothing held up to replication (i.e., mysteriously other studies by different authors didn’t find the same effect) and I think the power pose one in particular may have been retracted. Not being able to replicate some of the trendy psych findings is a HUGE issue so this should actually be google-able.
        As a RBF-haver…. telling me to smile does NOT actually make me in any way happier but rather makes me want to strangle the teller. Any response is more like a wolf showing teeth… also not the desired effect.

    7. I’d ask your husband point blank what he finds wrong about a girl looking serious. Let her have RBF, as long as she’s healthy and content. Trust her when she says she is. Maybe he can work on himself and why he needs her to look a certain way, before he conditions her to deny her own feelings and change her body in order to obtain male approval.

      1. Yes, and why are we ok with this term at all? Remember what the B stands for? It’s not a coincidence that men don’t get called out for, well, looking like they’re focusing on something (that may be none of your business as an observer who wasn’t asked for feedback). Why is he comfortable referring to his daughter in this way? or any woman?

        I agree with the suggestion to start telling him to smile at random times. I might also send him articles on women being expected to smile and the message that sends. If he does it directly in front of you, invalidate it on the spot. “Nope, we’re not doing that!” (I do this to my partner on the rare occasion when I think he’s acting in an unconsciously sexist manner toward my stepdaughters.)

        1. OMG thank you for this! That term just makes me so ragey!! And for a dad to apply it to his daughter??? Argh!!!

    8. My dad used to always tell me to smile. I sent him an article from HuffPost about why it’s not cool to do so and he stopped.

      1. Wow, I wish my dad would be that responsive. Every time I try to call him out in the things that hurt me he just doubles down and does them more.

    9. All of the nooooos. This is only done to women and teen girls. There is no such thing as RBF. I don’t even know what to say to convince someone that training their teen to constantly try to make their facial expressions more pleasing to men is a bad idea if pointing it out didn’t work. Ugh.

    10. Ugh nope nope nope it’s not your daughter’s duty to police her natural facial expression for the comfort of males, gross.

    11. From a mental health perspective he’s actually right – smiling is helpful for mood. Something about how the face and brain engage even with forced smiles changes the mood. There have been studies on this which you can look up.

      As a dad of a liberal teen daughter – no this doesn’t work. As a dad who is concerned about her, maybe he should be concerned about whether she is really happy, why or why not and get to the bottom of that, moreso than having her face look happy when she maybe isn’t?

      And I’ll get flamed for this but RBF is really unattractive to both men and women, but it’s rarely a hold your face in another way issue as much as it is a personality, mental health issue that needs to be worked on.

      1. Context matters. If I make a deliberate attempt to get out of a funk, that is absolutely not the same as my dad telling me to smile.

      2. Hard disagree. Faces are different, and someone appearing grumpy *to you* does not mean they have a mental health issue (!). No one owes it to you to be decorative.

      3. Ugh. I hate this whole outlook and question this entire definition of mental health. How much people smile when happy is cultural, and maintaining an elated mood and going around smiling all the time isn’t a desideratum for everyone on earth. I don’t find RBF unattractive or a sign of a mental health issue, and I appreciate it when people don’t force smiles around me.

        1. Maybe frequency of smiling is cultural, but I have to say that I distinctly remember finding myself smiling a lot when I restarted an SSRI for a while years ago.

      4. I take it you aren’t a psychologist or psychiatrist. People really need to stop freelancing mental health diagnoses.

    12. If he’s capable of making her genuinely smile, that’s his business if he wants to try to make that happen by surprising her with things she likes or cracking jokes that make her laugh or whatever. But he needs to never say this again to anyone starting now.

      If he feels better when he forces a smile, that is also his business. I seriously doubt would feel better if someone was haranguing him into forcing a smile, but even if he did, he is being clueless about the broader context of women being expected to smile for men.

      1. This is so unhelpful. I have never been told to smile by anyone other than a man and have never heard a boy or man ordered to smile.

        1. +1 goddamn let the girl look how she looks. Maybe she DOES feel serious or upset and that’s okay too. She’s not required to be a ray of sunshine all the time.

      2. Yes, but then he could try to elicit a genuine smile rather than telling her to force a smile. Telling someone to smile is about as helpful as telling someone to cheer up when they’re sad.

        1. Agreed. I’m truly shocked that there are any women on this thread saying, “But he’s technically right!” The patriarchy at work, indeed.

          1. Seriously!

            What next – “I know you said you don’t want to have s3x with your husband because he’s selfish and it’s not satisfying for you. But research shows that when women start being intimate, they usually enjoy the experience. So if your husband asks you for s3x at 1 am, technically, he’s right to push the issue.”

            I don’t think you all are smart… I think you’re too stupid to understand exactly what the studies say and how they are performed, as well as their inapplicability to this situation.

        1. Ah good! Thank you for the actual link.
          Also good points about “RBF” itself being sexist.

    15. In addition to being obnoxious because only girls are ever ordered to smile by men, it’s incredibly invalidating! She’s allowed to not be happy sometimes. It’s really toxic to force your kid to deny her emotions instead of teaching her how to deal with them in a healthy manner. I’m 40 and in therapy for this right now….

      1. Hi to my emotional twin. My negative emotions were constantly invalidated and it really screwed me up. The only thing it did for me was to be really empathetic towards other people when they struggle, because I so wanted someone to just acknowledge the dysfunction and toxicity.

      2. After witnessing men literally ask service workers to *pull down their masks* so they can get that sweet, sweet customer service smile during these past few years, I really don’t think it’s women who have the mental health problem.

      3. Yeah, 100% this. I’m right there with you in therapy for the same reason. This whole thread has been hit after hit remembering how my parents (mostly my dad) treated me as a kid and still does. It makes me so sad for my child and teenage self.

      4. Yes exactly. He’s teaching her how he feels (wants to see her smiling face and being cheery) is more important than how she actually feels. Not a good dynamic. Maybe ask him how he’d feel if she was dating a boy who did that to her, or a male boss or teacher?

    16. On another note, there is some psychology research that implies a two way street between posture and emotion (remember the power poses TED talk?), so I wouldn’t be surprised if he got the idea there that smiling will make you feel better. That research is still not fully settled, and there is a big difference between study participants making a good faith effort to follow instructors vs. a dad heckling you to smile when you don’t feel like smiling.
      But really, he needs to understand that right now, he is the most influential man in his daughter’s life, and does he really want to condition her to feel like she needs to deny her own needs in order to please a man? And that it’s acceptable for a man to be controlling about her body?

      1. I think the power poses research is part of the replication crisis. I wouldn’t take it any more seriously than one’s own experience of it (if you like how it makes you feel, great).

        1. It appears that it’s a little bit of both. Overly broad conclusions in the beginning, that were not always replicated depending on context. Crab basket syndrome directed at a female researcher catapulted to fame by her TED talk. Follow up reviews show that there is perhaps something there, and like always it’s very nuanced and context dependent.
          https://www.forbes.com/sites/kimelsesser/2020/10/02/the-debate-on-power-posing-continues-heres-where-we-stand/

    17. I don’t know about you, but there are certain things I can say to DH in such a way as to convey “I’m a woman. We have a daughter. My opinion rules on this particular topic” and he stands down. Sometimes there’s a follow up convo to explain the broader context, but never a formal disagreement. More of a “help me learn” type question from him. DD is only 4, but he once called her bossy, as an example, and I shut that down and he didn’t object.

      There are some things guys just never have appropriate perspective on because, well, they’re guys. and Does your DH trust your judgment on some of these types of topics? Can you have that kind of conversation with him and set up that there might be certain topics that your opinion needs to carry more weight? I can’t imagine this will be the only dispute along these lines that you’ll face. Maybe preempting in that way is borrowing trouble. But either way, your DH needs to check himself.

    19. Does your husband tell all the men in his life to smile more, or is it just your daughter?

      Ask him that.

      1. Actually maybe this – maybe start with asking if he’s ever noticed “RBF” on a man.

    20. Just one more point: I think it’s actually not mentally healthy to try to force people to be inauthentic. It also reads inauthentic to others, which can carry a whole other pile of baggage into a conversation. I remember watching a documentary where something really bad happened to a woman. And as she related the whole thing in a confessional style shot, she smiled the whole time–it was super creepy. A later scene cut to her in a car with her father while they both talked about the very bad thing that happened–and they both were smiling the whole time as well. It kind of made me squirm and I realized that must be where she learned she had to communicate like that. It also made me think how difficult it must be to be a partner to either of them. Imagine constantly getting missed cues on whether the person was sad or angry. I guarantee that introduces a lot more friction in relationships that doesn’t need to be there. Anyway, it was so off-putting that clearly it stuck with me.

    21. The way a father treats his daughter is how she will expect – and accept – men to treat her. Does he think it’s ok for male teachers, coaches, bosses, BFs, etc. to tell her to smile more? Is it ok for men to tell her what she should do with her face? Her body? How she should act? If a man wants to find a woman to abuse, the first thing he will do is test her boundaries, and something like “smile more” is a pretty common first step. DH is desensitizing her to red flags that bad men throw out in very early interactions with women – If dad does it then it shouldn’t raise my hackles.

    22. Your husband is being a MASSIVE JERK.

      Of course it’s fine that he wants her to feel good. But policing somebody’s expressed emotion (or lack of emotion) is A MASSIVE JERK MOVE that does nothing to better anybody’s mood.

      He’s telling her that his discomfort is more worth than her agency and independence. That is a MASSIVE JERK MOVE.

      Yes, there is research that using the facial muscles in a smile-like motion can stimulate a real smile. What your MASSIVE JERK of a husband is ignoring is that it would have to be your daughter who would have to actually want to smile for that to have any sort of meaningful purpose. It’s something that people would choose to do for themselves, for their own benefit, not as a performing monkey to a MASSIVE JERK.

      Tell him to focus on bonding with your daughter by doing interesting things together, not by asking her to perform to ease his discomfort.

      And then give him a pencil to bite. If he puts a pencil in his gob, side to side, and bites down, he’ll active his smiling muscles. Maybe smiling more will make him less of a MASSIVE JERK to your daughter.

  9. My daughter has acne that’s not really going away with Differin. She told me that it’s bothering her. I’d like to go see a dermatologist. Do all dermatologists see acne cases or am I looking for a particular focus? She is 15. Should I just take her to my derm, who is in her 60s?

    1. Yes. Literally any derm is fine. If you like yours take her there. And call today there’s probably a months log wait.

    2. All derms treat acne. Yours is fine. Pimples rashes and moles are their bread and butter.

    3. All dermatologists see acne cases. Source: my best friend is a dermatologist at an academic medical center who specializes in treating skin disorders of the lady parts, but still sees acne patients!

    4. Make an appointment and in the meantime sign up for curology (if they’re licensed in your state). They can remote prescribe the same topicals that most dermatologists will suggest as a starting point. So if you have to wait at least she can start by trying those. If nothing gets better after 2-3 months I’d go back to the derm – high does azealic acid cream/lasers can have a dramatic impact.
      My usual suggestions at-home suggestions are to focus on the fundamentals – use a first cleanser (to get off makeup/sunblock) and then a second cleanser (low ph) to wash the rest of the oils/dirt off. Follow with the medications (on DRY skin, otherwise they can be too harsh) and then after 20-30 minutes use a light moisturizer. If she’s using any actives (and even if she’s not!) she needs to use a daily sunblock.

    5. Take to a derm for sure. I also suggest taking her to a gyn and asking them to test for PCOS, my daughter went through years of acne misery while under the care of a well-regarded derm, through and including Accutane. It helped, but what truly fixed the problem was a PCOS diagnosis and treatment. If the derm had only suggested this possibility, she could have avoided years of acne, resulting social anxiety, and unnecessary serious drugs.

      1. I agree that the time may come for an endocrine workup. Some doctors just completely normalize acne, PMS, etc. as a rite of passage whose only treatment options are symptom relief, but sometimes there’s an underlying condition that can be addressed and prevent the symptoms from happening in the first place.

      2. Is there a test for PCOS? I remember being told it’s a diagnosis of exclusion (you don’t have this, you don’t have that so *shrug* guess you have PCOS).

        1. There isn’t one single test, but there are a bunch of tests they do. They check hormone levels (IIRC it is a pain since it has to be during the right time of month), and if they think insulin resistance is part of the story they check for that too.

        2. No, there is no one test for PCOS. It’s a syndrome, meaning a diagnosis is based on the presence of a set of symptoms vs the presence of some test-able protein or whatever. Still, my sister was diagnosed at 16 so it’s possible to do it at that age. I think they had to do a TV ultrasound, which may or may not be desirable for a kiddo that young (sister had a cyst burst at that age so it was non-negotiable). I, on the other hand, had all the symptoms too but wasn’t formally diagnosed until 34.

        3. There are blood tests that relate to hormone levels that go a long way toward the diagnosis. I am not speaking to insulin-resistance, which is a concern for some, but not all, of those with PCOS.

    6. Given how hard it is to get in with derms in most areas, you might see if her pediatrician will see her for acne as a first step.

    7. If you are facing a long wait time to see your dermatologist, check and see if your health insurance covers Teladoc appointments. I have had great luck with dermatologist visits there-you upload pics and get feedback within hours.

      1. Your pediatrician may also be willing to prescribe one or two of the first-line treatments while you are waiting for a derm appointment.

    8. I would try a derm first, but if that doesn’t work, I’d also look into nearby medi spas. My aesthetician is better at treating my acne than any derm I previously saw.

  10. Does anyone have parents or inlaws who always want you to visit and then when you do, they continue on their normal schedules, as if you aren’t there?

    Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying adult children visitors are guests who need to be entertained, but in my parents’ case they legit don’t look up from the TV and expect us to just watch their ethic soap operas with them four plus hours per day, in a language that I speak a little of and DH doesn’t speak or understand at all. And they’re in their 70s, not 90s and could do other things with us and having lived in the US for four decades, they speak perfect English so it’s not like other activities aren’t an option.

    I’m always left fuming at – we drove 4 hours one way and used up a long weekend for this?? DH is more understanding in that – we should cherish our parents – way. It goes the same every day we’re there, eat meals quick and mostly in silence to get TV and then non stop TV. If I say anything about it, it’s met with – oh it’s just on in the background, feel free to talk. Lol no – if you speak, they like small children don’t take their eyes of the TV, respond in one word if at all, and if your speaking causes them to miss a soap opera line, fear not shows are both watched live and DVRed so they will be rewound. If I say something more about let’s do something together or at least watch something we can all watch, it’s met with – there are other TVs in this house. Or fine you guys watch what you want here we’ll go upstairs. Or – what else do we have in our lives but TV. Uh I’m fairly sure you have children who’ve come to chat with you and last I checked I didn’t drive hours to watch your upstairs TV. Yet they’re already talking about us coming back from Thanksgiving?

    It’s not like every moment needs to be a hallmark movie, but it kind of hurts that they have zero interest in chatting about our lives or theirs, talking about shared family history – other than nasty gossip which they love. The only conversation will be gossip about cousins I see once a decade or criticism about us – yesterday it was our kitchen appliances and my hair. I assume they’re lonely and depressed, but I thought one of the fixes for that was engagement with people??

    1. You and your husband need to get on the same team and have a plan. It may not involve sitting there all day. In our case, we plan a meal out somewhere, pick them up well in advance to account for all the things and we don’t go back in to hang out for more than 45 mins after. Repeat each day of the visit, sometimes a meal is replaced with shopping or some other easy activity. But H and I plan together and have let’s go signals and are in agreement on the issue.

      1. Totally agree with this. Most older people are creatures of habit. Take them out of their usual environment – how about taking them on an easy nature walk and lunch or dinner at a restaurant they have not been to before? If you do an activity for 2 hours (including time eating), you can go upstairs and watch your own shows or read a book or listen to a podcast and they don’t care. The visits are to check in with them and show them that you care.

    3. My strategy is to make dinner reservations, pop out for a coffee, invite for a walk and still go if they decline, break out cards or board games, or do a puzzle. If you can accomplish any of this in a space without a TV, awesome. Background radio is a nice way of adding white noise without the added visual. Bake? Cook? Break out your laptop and do random busy work? Sit on the couch, clean up your photo roll, and grab their attention to show photos?

      If all else fails, just the act of being there is what likely matters most to them. Sure it is boring AF, so figure out how to pass the time without going crazy.

    4. Are you staying at their house or at a hotel? How long are you visiting? I have a 72 hour rule when visiting my parents. You mentioned driving, so you have access to your car. Go out and do things, with or without them, and plan to meet up over meals.

    5. Are you staying at their house or a hotel? How long are you staying? I have 72 hour rule when visiting my parents. You mentioned driving, so you have access to a car. Make plans to do things, with or without them, and reconvene over meals.

    6. Yes, and my MIL does the same thing at my house as well. I agree with the poster above that what has helped for us is getting on the same page with DH in terms of a schedule for the day. In our situation, my MIL tends to spend all of her time on her phone or doing crossword puzzles. She doesn’t even pay attention to the grandkids, though she likes to have them around her. What has helped us is having a schedule when we go visit her– like we will go see friends in the area for part of the day. When she visits, we try to do more active things where she isn’t on her phone. We also try not to do anything where we would need to rely on her as a third adult, i.e., no cooking dinner where she would need to watch the kids while we prep, etc. Basically, we plan weekends that are enjoyable for us, and tell her what we are doing as opposed to just sitting on the couch on our phones all weekend.

    7. Make a plan. “Hey this morning me and DH are going to go to do xyz thing. Would you like to come?”

    8. Go for walks. Lots of them. Grandparents had their pre-set TV schedule (mostly because grandma had a bad heart and couldn’t do much even in her early 70s). All of us, learned to accept that you go for walks rather than convince grandma to change the channel. Also, projects. Each time any of us came to visit we would do stuff on their houses – grunt work that they couldn’t do themselves anymore. Knock out the punch list at their house (doesn’t have to be massive DIY – could just be stocking up the bird seed or putting the patio furniture away for the winter). Or, ask them to teach you how to do something or cook something.

      1. No advice, just commiseration. My parents don’t change their lives much when we visit and it really hurts bc we live across the country and have young kids. I really wish my mom would sit with my kids and chat about her life over a meal.

    9. Sort of? My mom wanted us to visit (she has passed away now) but she got tired easily and vegging in front of the TV in the evening was something she needed. She didn’t have the energy to be “on” 24/7 with guests. It was just a fact. We organized stuff to do around her TV hours and all did our own thing in the post-dinner hours.

    10. Yes. This was my noncustodial parent when I would visit as a teen/young adult. The result was that I basically stopped visiting. Or when I did visit as an older adult, we stayed in a hotel and stopped by for a few hours a day, which typically included a meal, and then planned other activities in town to which they were either invited or not, but either way we didn’t just sit around waiting for them to pay attention to us.
      I get that it’s frustrating, but you’re not going to make them either understand or change their behavior. The best course is to protect your time, whatever that means to you. Maybe it’s not visiting at all. Maybe it’s visiting but planning your own activities during the day and designating an hour or two of “soap opera time.”
      I feel like for lots of older parents, bugging you to visit and having you visit isn’t because they actually want to spend meaningful time together. They just want to be able to say, to themselves and to any friends or family who ask, that you visited them. It’s a source of validation. So “visit,” but spend as much or as little time physically in their presence as feels good to you.

    11. My mom does this and also gets annoyed when it’s done to her. Even though when it’s done to her it’s, we’re so glad you visited (not over a holiday) but yes the kids still have to go to school and do homework and attend their activities and we still have to go to work. And when we’re on vacation she gets annoyed that every waking moment isn’t focused on her and what she wants to do (sit quietly and read). Sorry no child wants to sit quietly for 16 hours a day and read, your own children didn’t either and no that didn’t make us little hellians like you thought. No advice just commiseration.

    12. Granted, in our family it happened a decade or two later, but in my parents’ later years that’s what visiting them entailed: Sitting and watching TV with them. News flash: What they want is your physical presence, and they are happy with things the way they are.

      I agree that the way to deal with this is to have other things to do: Walks, outings, read books, do puzzles or play board games, even bring your computer and do some work if that’s an option. But they’re not going to change so your best hope is to find a way to come to terms with how they roll.

      1. This. They want to feel your near them while they watch TV. Very annoying yes but seems like the best bet is to plan to just be on your phone next to them while they watch TV. Maybe download the kindle app and check out some good books from the library and just plan to read a book or two over the weekend on your phone while sitting near them?

    13. I totally get where you’re coming from. From my former in-laws I learned that different people can have very different views of what “getting together” can look. My in laws, like your parents, lived in front of a television. They thought that merely existing together in the same room with the television on was together time. My family’s idea of spending time together is that you are fully present for each other and engaged with each other.

      Honestly I don’t think there is any in between. If I were in your shoes, which I no longer am (thank you divorce!), I would probably cut back on my visits and when I I do visit I would load books on my phone or kindle and sit there and read while they watched television. If they insist that that is not together time then that’s where to draw the line of “I cannot just sit here so this is the compromise”. My former DH thought that together time was both of us staring at a television (shows that he picked) and that if he was watching television and I was reading on a kindle that it now was not together time, and jeez am I glad not to be dealing with that irrationality anymore and I hope you do it have to with your parents. Anecdata from my life, but I think that people who spend their lives staring at a television are not the best at interpersonal skills and expecting good compromise and interaction from them is a recipe for disappointment.

      1. I agree this varies by family and probably individual too.

        My dad’s family expects people to be fully present, fully engaged. I used to dread it but have since learned how to prepare and ration it so that it’s comfortable for me. It’s a lot for me. But my younger sister thrives on it.

        I have one friendship where a lot of the time, we sit in a room and read our own books, or take a walk without talking. That is another extreme, but probably closer to my pace!

        It used to bother me that my mom’s parents had the TV on whenever we were there (or really.. at all times), but it was actually just background noise for them, and now it makes me a little nostalgic.

        Being required to watch someone else’s TV selection attentively is just awful though.

    14. I find that parents enjoy having their adult kids around and hanging in the living room just like they did when they were actual kids. It reminds them of family time when everyone would relax together. I would try to plan meals and shopping around their shows (and point out that they can record whatever they might miss) but otherwise don’t expect too much from them.

  11. Posted on cmoms but what are some of your favorite apps or sides to bring to a dinner party? Preferably kid friendly that don’t need to be reheated.

    1. I usually bring a big veggie tray with hummus or other dips since I personally appreciate having some healthier options for appetizers, but pigs in a blanket are always a hit as an app too.

    2. My go to is a 7 layer dip in a Pyrex along with chips. It can be served at room temp and parents and kids all love it. Lots of recipes online. My second choice is getting crackers and a cheese log or other spreadable cheese like Boursin or a wedge of Brie. Some kids will eat just the crackers and that’s okay.

    3. Always a fan of a cheese and charcuterie board and never seen a kid that didn’t go for something on there. You could try the butter board trend too.

    4. Buffalo chicken dip with celery and chips- bring in an oven safe casserole dish or crock pot you can plug in.

      Trader Joe’s party meatballs + sriracha bbq sauce

      Cold: charcuterie

      1. And speaking of meatballs, crockpot mini meatballs with grape jelly and chili sauce is a classic for a reason.

        2. That’s a very reliable go-to for me. Party food is usually low on protein and it’s always the first thing gone.

    5. Totally depends on the kids, but a tray of sushi from the local (with decent sushi) grocery would be a huge hit with our crowd, including the kids.
      Fruit salad
      +1 to the charcuterie board
      If you know you are dealing with really picky kids – really delicious bread/rolls if you know they will eat them. Menu dependent but Hawaiian rolls are usually a hit

    6. Smoked fish dip with vegetables
      Shrimp with cocktail sauce and pesto lemon dipping sauce
      Caprese skewers
      Drunken tomatoes (not kid-friendly but that’s not my world)
      Spinach artichoke dip (not the cream cheese kind or the hot kind; the cold, fresh, and lemony kind) with pita chips
      Bagna cauda

  12. Where is the best place to consign nicer-than-usual clothes? I have some Vince, Marina Rinaldi, Stuart Weitzman that aren’t getting traction on poshmark, and someone warned last week that TRR stinks.

    1. Just accept they do t hold value like you think they should and reduce your price on poshmark. Or donate.

      3. Are these older items? I don’t buy clothes that is more than a year or two old and have definitely seen people on PoshMark selling 5-10 year old pieces. Nope.

    2. Not a lot of good options here. I would say donate to friends or relatives, or donate to a charity and take the deduction (dress for success, etc). Your time is valuable too.

    3. FWIW, I had totally fine experience with TRR. Do they give you top dollar, nope! But is it super easy and hands off so I don’t have to deal with anything – absolutely! The only annoying part is that they were following up a lot asking if I wanted to sell more things, but that stopped after I told them to stop asking.

  13. I’m dealing with some body image issues resulting from weight gain and an invasive medical procedure. I’m trying to get back to exercising and doing things that make me feel better in my body, but it’s not an instant fix. (It is quite humbling to realize how much my fitness has declined in the post-surgery period. Cue more bad feelings about my body.) In the meantime, my libido is down to nothing and while DH has been very supportive, I can tell he’s getting frustrated. When I don’t feel good about myself, I do not want to be touched. How do I get over this?

    1. Is your husband frustrated because he isn’t getting laid or is he frustrated because you are not enjoying it?

      1. Probably both? But mostly, I think it bums him out that I’m not interested in being touched right now.

        1. Are you up for lower key touching, such as a back massage or foot massage? Showering together?

    2. This is so hard and I feel the same way when I don’t feel good about my body. Would you be okay with focusing on your husband while engaging in physical intimacy until you feel comfortable with him touching you? It brings me pleasure to satisfy my partner even when my body is not involved. I do think there needs to be a balance over time of course, but you recognize that there is work to be done on your end and that this would be a temporary compromise.

    3. For bad feelings about body, flattering clothes help me (I am pretty shallow).

      For fitness and libido decline after a medical procedure, I would be trying to make this my medical team’s problem. I don’t know what kinds of meds they used, but some can have lasting effects that are treatable, and my doctors are not generally very proactive, but can be very helpful if I complain.

  14. How do you present bills that you feel are too high in the sense that you did the work and the fees are justified, but the deal fell apart for other (no fault) reasons? I wouldn’t blink at all if the deal actually closed, but I hate to have my client out of pocket for it, especially since they didn’t initiate it. My client knows there were other things we discovered during the deal that we had to resolve even if it didn’t go through, so there’s justification for it, but I’m just having a hard time balancing my personal feelings of what would be fair versus keeping my business financially successful.

      1. Yup! I’m in house. We’re lawyers also and understand that these things happen and that you still did work on the deal.

    2. You present the bill and know that it is part of the cost of them doing business. It isn’t on you to absorb that.

    4. Not in law, but I am an independent consultant, and I understand how you feel, but you have to charge regardless. I sometimes get pulled into projects that through no fault of mine, or my client’s, don’t come to fruition. I still spent the time researching, advising, creating presentations, etc. for the client, and I need to be compensated for that effort, or my business will fail. My service agreement specifies that I am going to bill for work completed, per the project’s agreed-upon scope of work, even if the project/deal does not reach a successful conclusion. You spent the time and the brainpower on whatever you provided the client. Bill for it. This is an area where there’s a difference between having empathy and being foolishly softhearted, and that difference can make or break your success.

    5. Send the bill. We understand. Not every non-closed deal is a failure – sometimes you need to spend money to avoid wasting MORE money.

  15. Over the weekend, I spent some time with a man that I “know” through a group we’re both part of. It was our first time meeting IRL. I’ve known for a bit that he had a crush on me. Well, it went extremely well! What was just a coffee meet up ended in a date that evening. He’s very forthright with how he feels and says nice things. And I like him! I enjoyed our time together so much. There are a couple of things that are kind of bopping in my head with regards to actually dating. Firstly, I am not used to being treated this way. I have a bad childhood and dating history. In the past, when someone was like this, I ran. I caught myself multiple times starting to close up and stopped that immediately (thank you, therapy). So it’s all a little strange for me. The other thing is that he lives 5 hrs away. We’re both near major cities. He’s often in my area for work. There’s great train service between the two.

    Would you consider dating someone who lived that far away? We’re both in our 40s, single, have so much in common but also balancing differences, and definite chemistry.

    2. Yes, I would and did. It ended because he didn’t want to do the ‘early relationship getting to know each other’ stage while in an LDR which is a fine reason. (Late 20s though so different perspective).

    3. I married a man who lived a plane ride away. My recommendation: only date if you can see one or both of you moving, or if permanent LDR is a good path for both of you.

      Second suggestion: since you’re both in your 40s, I presume you aren’t trying to have bio kids. That can really ease up your timeline for being in the same city – one or both can job hunt at leisure for a really good fit job. You can each spend time in the other person’s city to kick the tires, see how you like it, etc.

    4. You don’t mention being on a specific timeline for marriage or kids, so assuming that’s not an issue, I’d continue to talk and meet up and see what happens. The distance may help you to take it slowly and make sure you’re comfortable at every stage. If you see any red flags, run them by other people in addition to your own reflection to help you figure out if it’s just past personal issues or if they’re valid concerns about the situation. Enjoy!

    5. I would, but only if I were prepared to move if the relationship worked out. DH lived about 3 hours away when we first started dating. Ultimately I moved to his city, and while I have no regrets, I do really miss the life I built in my old city, and most importantly, not being close to my mom (she’s now a four hour drive away instead of 45 minutes).

    6. If you have no other prospects, what’s the harm? I say hook up with this dude and have fun, but keep yourself open to more local options. In a few months you can reevaluate if you think it is more serious.

    7. Only you have the power to change your own life and approach to it. If you really clicked, why not date? With hybrid work, there’s never been a better time to try a shortish LDR.

    8. Kudos to you on your first paragraph.

      Sure, date the guy! You are not committing to anything. Just enjoy it. If it doesn’t work for you anymore l, break up then.

      1. I agree – it sounds like you really had fun! Give it a shot.

        And taking the train to rendezvous with your lover is such a main-character thing, I love it.

  16. This has probably been covered before, but does anyone have an at home laser hair removal device that they recommend? Or any to stay away from?

      1. I second this. I go to a laser place and it’s awesome. It is painful so I wouldn’t be able to do it myself.

    2. I have the braun ipl 5 and like it. I am not done yet with the initial 12 weeks. It worked great on the bikini line and is working on the armpits and other random stray hairs. It is not working on my legs, but I knew it wouldn’t (too light of hair) but I tried anyway.

      I wasn’t willing to do appointments, nor pay that much. To me, it was worth the chance. I am happy with it so far.

  17. I have never been a cat person but one showed up on my patio yesterday and I’ve fallen in love… a neighbor is fostering her while we look for her owners but if we cannot find them then I am considering adopting her. I had a dog growing up that I adored but have otherwise been pet-less. I rent (building does allow pets), am late 20s, live alone, and work a hybrid schedule. I have a pretty active social life but am still home plenty.

    What do I need to consider? What am I not thinking about? What do I need to know about cats and cat ownership?

    The 3 main things that give me pause are the expense of a pet, the fact that if/when I move finding a car friendly building might be tough, and that she appears to be young so this could be a 15+ year commitment.

    2. I think that cats are an amazing creature for your life stage! You’ll be able to spend time together at home on your hybrid days and the cat should be okay with you working out of the house. No need to rush home for walks like with a dog. If your neighbor is fostering hopefully you can get a good sense of the cat’s personality and whether it appeals to you (there is a lot of variety just like between dogs- active, snuggly, independent, etc.).

      The huge benefit of cats over dogs is how flexible they can be. My cat needs to be fed wet food 2x day, but many adult cats can be left overnight with a timed feeder. The main pita in an apartment is the litter box placement. Some cats claw furniture as well. That can usually be somewhat ameliorated by providing many appropriate scratcher alternatives. Unless she has medical problems, cats arent that expensive either. Costs would be litter, food, and occasional sitter/boarding for vacations. A vet visit 1x year for rabies shot and some OTC flea treatment. Honestly my little baby enriches my life so much and I can’t recommend enough!

    3. Cats are the easiest pet. It is common to acquire them by happenstance. Within weeks, the costs and the hassle of finding cat-free buildings may feel like a small price to pay, like your cat is the best deal you ever got in life because you paid less than millions of dollars.

      I’m wondering more about the search for an owner; usually it’s necessary to have a cat scanned for a microchip (not sure if your neighbor knows this!).

      1. Yes – my neighbor who took her in volunteers at a cat rescue so was going to get her scanned for a chip there. We’ve also put up signs and asked around the neighborhood. We live in the suburbs but a pretty busy and dense/urban suburb so outdoor or indoor/outdoor pet cats are really rare here, but she appears well cared for so we’re thinking she likely has a home nearby.

      2. Yep, scan for a microchip. A vet will do it for free. There is also a site called Pet FBI where people post pics of lost/found cats. You can also post on social media and NextDoor.

    4. Cats are easy and low maintenance. Often, apartments and condos will allow cats but not dogs, or only small dogs. I might have gotten very lucky with my previous elderly cat, adopted from a family member who died. FWIW, vet bills were annual physicals plus maybe a total of fitted hundred dollars for the seven years I had him, ages 11 to 18.

      Regarding a cat friendly building:

      https://mobile.twitter.com/thomas_violence/status/1567322241356144640?s=20&t=k_c-bmt-0MojRAZAxm1ppQ

    5. Overall, cats are very easy animals to care for. Food, water, litter boxes and some comfy perches and they are pretty happy. But here are some other things to consider:

      1. As much as cats love to sleep, it’s important to have daily playtime with them. Feather/wand toys are great for this. It gives them some mental enrichment and it’s good for them to get some physical activity. Of course, some cats are more playful than others. And you’ll probably end up with a million toys while they play with a random piece of string.

      2. Vet bills are a concern with any animal. I take mine for yearly checkups and vaccines. Mine are all indoor, but I volunteer at an animal shelter and I don’t want them getting sick. There may be unexpected medical expenses that come up. Dental cleanings are a thing with cats, but your vet can provide recommendations on what type of care is needed.

      3. Cats are very good at hiding pain. Keep an eye on changes in behavior, litter box usage, appetite, etc.

      4. Speaking of litter boxes – one of the main reasons cat pee outside the box is because of a medical issue like UTI or cystitis. They associate pain with the litter box and will go elsewhere. If a cat is peeing outside the box, the first thing is to get them to the vet.

      5. You are right to consider that this could be a 15+ year commitment. If you don’t feel like you can make that commitment, then don’t take in the cat. I’ve seen cats returned to shelters and it can be very confusing and scary for them.

      I never had pets as a kit and didn’t plan on having cats until a sweet tabby boy showed up on my doorstep about 12 years ago. He’s since passed, but now I’m owned by five felines. All strays who show up on the doorstep. They are so fun and bring me so much joy. I love having them. If you’re willing to make the commitment, cats can really brighten your life.

    6. Every cat is different and yours will train you on what you should and should not do. But first, you need to take the cat somewhere to be scanned. My brother recently found a cat and had to leave her at a shelter for a week to confirm that the previous owner did not want her. She is now happily at home with him. Cats don’t need to be walked and can be left alone for a weekend (although it is nicer to have someone check on them). Your hybrid work schedule will be fine with the cat. And when you are home, you will have someone to talk to, interact with, and make you feel loved all of the time. Good luck!

    7. Cats are typically super easy. One thing to think about is the personality of the cat and how that may affect need to get a pet sitter when/if you travel. The cat I had growing up was super independent, so we could have someone come by once every other day to empty litter boxes and check food/water levels and it was fine. But the cats I had as an adult were super needy (could only eat wet food and had to be in separate rooms from each other to do so, incredibly social animals, etc.), so I had to have someone come by twice a day. I won’t say either one is better than the other, but as you’re thinking of things to consider, that is one that people don’t always think about at the beginning.

    8. Cats are very low maintenance pets overall. I had a cat for nearly 20 years, and the only expenses were food, litter, and annual vet visits. She had litter box issues towards the end, but that was after many, many years of snuggles and fun.

      If you are out of town for the weekend, you don’t need to board a cat. If you are gone for a full week, having someone stop by to replenish food and clean the litter box is enough. You don’t even have to house train them! If this cat had some sort of special need the foster family would know by now.

    9. Go for it! Cats are amazing pets and your hybrid schedule sounds perfect! They are pretty low maintenance and even if you worked in the office full time, it would be fine. Definitely worth it!

      1. Will do!

        I have a response also in mod saying that the neighbor who took her in is indeed taking her to see if she’s chipped!

    11. Re: pet insurance, I highly recommend.

      We didn’t do this, and then our cat developed diabetes. Insulin was $100/every three weeks. At least one $750-1000 vet visit per year b/c of regulation issues. Three emergency vet visits in the last 6 months of her life, and each was $3000-5000.

      I loved her and I miss her, but I will never get a new pet again without getting pet insurance. (Unlike humans, pet insurance never covers pre-existing conditions).

    12. This is how you get a cat. It’s human folly to think we choose. Cats choose. This cat has chosen you. Enjoy!

      1. Yep, was going to say this as well. You’ve gotten good advice and assuming it’s not microchipped, congrats, you have been chosen and now have a cat.

        1. This makes me smile so much. OP, I hope it works out for you to be chosen by this cat.

  18. My 9-year-old girl cannot sit on a chair.  She says she finds it incredibly uncomfortable to sit normally (bum on the seat, feet on the ground), and she’s constantly switching between sort of a squat and a bunch of other positions that look uncomfortable.  This is an issue both at home and at school; it’s distracting and seems unpleasant for her.  I think there may be some minor attention issues at play (she’s a fidgeter in all contexts), but more fundamentally I think she can’t get comfortable. We’ve tried a wiggle seat and it didn’t help.

    This seems like a dumb question, but … is there any way I can help her learn to sit normally?  Fwiw, she’s very tall and skinny and probably doesn’t have a lot of core strength.  (Also, I too am tall, skinny, lacking in core strength, and can’t sit normally in a chair, so I don’t feel very well equipped to teach her! But waitlists for OT services are super long.)

    1. Haha, this is me, though in my case it’s because I’m short and my feet don’t comfortably reach the ground if I’m sitting with my back all the way at the back of the chair. I usually have to choose between perching on the edge or having my feet partially dangling, so I often end up with one foot tucked under me and constantly shifting around. But maybe the problem isn’t her, it’s the chairs. See if you can find on that is actually comfortable?

    2. If it is a problem at school, push them to do an evaluation for an IEP that will get her PT or OT. I’m sure this varies a lot depending on your school/district/etc but in my experience the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If it isn’t impacting her ability to perform in school they won’t do anything, in which you could take her to a PT for an evaluation.

      1. I would do this, and while you are waiting to get in someplace, check out instagram. There are a LOT of OTs/PTs who made an instagram pivot during the pandemic and there are lots of tips out there that could help you (my kids are younger, but Tots on Target and Kinactive Kids are decent places to start and let the algorithm guide you from there).

    3. I also find sitting normally in chairs to be uncomfortable, especially for long stretches. I much prefer to be curled up in some way. No tips but commiseration.

      My core strength is embarrassing now but even when I was a D1 athlete doing a daily core circuit, I still thought sitting normally was uncomfortable.

      1. Yeah I’ve never been able to “sit right” in a chair, much to my father’s dismay. A footrest might help – I’ve used a box in a pinch.

    5. When my son was early elementary school age he was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder. Sitting in a chair was an issue for him. He seemed to feel like he was falling out of it all the time.

      They sell bumpy cushions for kids like this. The bumps help the kid feel more connected to the chair. You can look up this kind of stuff on websites for autistic children. Other things that were really helpful for him from the same sources were a foot cushion for while he was sitting and boing-y things to put on the eraser end of his pencil to play with while paying attention to the teacher. Some kids like chewy things on the ends of their pencils.

    6. I have a comment in m0d but try this::

      Trideer Inflated Wobble Cushion – Wiggle Seat for Sensory Kids(Multiple Colors), Core Balance Disc (Extra Thick), Flexible Seating for All Age(Office & School & Home) https://a.co/d/i7b1zk6

    7. As an adult I am this way – if the seat is too high and my legs dangle/dig in to the seat at all it’s uncomfortable. I switch positions often and feet flat on the floor is my least comfortable – I don’t see this being a big deal unless she says she’s always uncomfortable, which may signal a bigger issue. If she has comfortable positions she likes than I think that’s ok, unless she’s constantly hunched over.

    8. This is classic for ADHD (look up hyoptonia) and also pretty typical in hypermobility syndromes.

      It’s a great idea to do PT and OT to work on this, but I think to some extent it’s also okay for people to be built differently and need some accommodation. Normal chairs were invented by and for “normal” people and just aren’t comfortable for everyone!

      1. Chairs are built not just for “normal” but also for “average.” For anyone who is not average size, the fit of chairs and desks and car seats are often uncomfortable. Signed, a smaller than average woman, a much smaller than average person.

        1. Good point. It’s possible to aim for the average and actually miss the mark for more people than not.

    9. This is common for both Adhd and autism, fidgeting in and of itself isn’t harmful but forcing her to sit still can be incredibly detrimental.

    10. Thanks everyone for your thoughts! I would be fine in theory with the idea of getting her a special chair if we could find one that worked, but we’ve never found anything (though we haven’t looked very hard). It sounds like this is a common enough problem that there may be something out there if I do more research.

    11. Try a foot stool. We ended up getting the stokke trip trapp for our then 4 year old that with low core strength and who later was diagnose with adhd. Still sitting happily in it with limiting fidgeting at as almost 7. A 9 year old won’t go for the stokke but foot rest and smaller chair could help.

    12. I’m like that and as a kid always had to have my feet up. Does she have POTS – postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome?

  19. Good morning!
    I am the person yesterday who asked about gifting Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office (or similar) to a mentee who just passed the bar exam. I heard you all loud and clear that this type of book is dated and generally a bad idea. Thank you for saving me from making this mistake!

    I would still like to gift her a book. Some people suggested a bag or a scarf, but I do not know her well enough to choose something in her style.

    What practical books would you recommend for a young attorney? She is not sure if she wants to go into litigation and she is working to line up something in the public sector. Maybe some tips on effective writing? Good books on professionalism generally (she is a first generation law student and we have been working on this)?

    Thanks, all , for your wisdom!

    1. Maybe something like Point Made or the Winning Brief — a guide to legal writing and speaking?

    2. Know your office, because this might be seen as too political, but I adored Who Thought This Was A Good Idea by Alyssa Mastromonaco. Real talk about what it’s like to be a young woman in the corridors of power – warts and all.

    4. Ooops! I should have read the whole thread before posting again. Thank you all for your great advice on this topic! I truly appreciate it.

    5. She’s still job hunting? What about paying for LinkedIn premium for a few months?

      FWIW I find most corporate books to be kind of useless or out of touch.

    6. I’d get her one of the RBG books. An inspiring book on being a good person that is adjacent to the legal works is going to stay with her much longer than a stuffy how-to book.

    8. It was kind of buried in my post, but I like Jodi Glickman’s Great on the Job. It’s the one book where I agreed with the advice from cover to cover and I felt like it would have helped me a lot to have read it in my 20s. I still think about the advice these days and I’m an equity partner at my firm.

  20. There’s a woman in Indian matchmaking season 2 (viral joshi) who lives in Durham and appears to be very successful doing pharmaceutical development. My high school daughter is interested in a science-based career, but not medicine. Does anyone work in drug development and can tell me what would be a good path for someone interested in that field?

    1. I do not but I have several friends who majored in chemical engineering who work in pharmaceuticals but only one biology major friend in that field. I also know a few people with MPHs who work in pharmaceuticals but obviously are not doing drug development.

      1. If she’s completely open, she should explore chemistry over bio, and engineering (including bioengineering) over both. Just gives you more options and higher pay once on the job market.

        1. Chemical engineering or bioengineering are definitely what she should be targeting, and I’d suggest ChemE over BioE. Some BioEs work in pharma but most that I know work in medical device design. Most ChemEs I know work in pharma (and the rest work in oil and gas)

    3. I have met a lot of chemists working for pharmaceutical companies in the Raleigh/Durham area. And the people I went to college with who knew they wanted to work in this field majored in chemistry.

      I also know people who got pharmaceutical jobs after medical careers didn’t pan out and are doing well. It sounds like your daughter is ahead of them in already knowing she doesn’t want to do medicine!

    4. My sister in law does this, her undergrad degree was psych, but her PhD is in neuroscience. The people she works with tend to be chemistry and bio-chem majors, with advanced degrees. I have a friend who did nursing, then got a masters in chem, and a PhD in pharmacology (not a PharmD), and she works with a start up that has some promising drugs in the pipeline. Read up on Martine Rothblatt, if you are interested in really divergent paths to pharmaceutical development, she’s an absolute queen and her background is fascinating.

    5. I have an advanced degree in biosciences and now work in business in a big pharma/diagnostics company. Shoot me an email at lifescienceMBA2019 at the mail of Google.

    6. One of my friends has a phD in mechanical engineering and works this field. It’s not always as linear as you think.

    7. Biostatistics could also be an option. It’s a great field and she’d get to work with drug development, but not necessarily *do* it.

    8. Biomedical engineering. Most of my friends who majored in it went to med schools and became doctors but you can definitely stay on the engineering side and develop medical technology.

  21. I’ve been getting a lot of ocular migraines in the past couple weeks, sometimes (but not always) accompanied by a headache. The spotty vision and sensitivity to light happens about 3x a week. I’ve been trying to minimize my screen time, will darken my room as much as possible when I get them, have been drinking a ton of water…it doesn’t really help.

    I have an appointment with my doctor for the end of the month, but any ideas to help this in the meantime?

    1. You absolutely need to get to a doctor but I will say that I was having visual auras and my neurologist had me start a daily baby aspirin that almost completely took care of it.

    2. If this is sudden onset, and worsening, might be something serious.
      Can you get a blood pressure cuff and/or heart rate monitor? Have you had Covid recently?

      1. Agree if it’s sudden onset you should get it checked out ASAP.

        If you already got migraines and they’re just getting more frequently, here’s a smattering of things to try: Excedrin migraine as soon as you feel it coming on, ice pack or heat pack (whichever sounds better to you) on your forehead, an app called F.lux for your computer to turn down blue light, Theraspecs glasses (though these are pricey and f.lux is free), peppermint oil on your forehead and neck, self-massage videos on YouTube.

        All that said the only thing that *really* works consistently for me is a prescription for Triptans.

    3. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating regularly, and take magnesium. Also make sure you have good ergonomics and have good lighting with no weird glare or contrast. I like blue light blockers like night mode or f.lux.

      1. Agree on the magnesium – at a minimum just so when the doctor tells you to try it, you can confirm that you have.

  22. Favorite joggers with pockets that won’t break the bank (I.e., comfortably can buy more than one pair of)?

      1. I would say that Vuori are on the pricey side but worth every penny. I WFH and literally wear a pair Vuori joggers 95% of the time. I was never a fancy athleisure person before, but the fabric they use is out of this world.

    6. American Eagle Everyday Joggers. Old Navy also has some good ones in a variety of fabrics.

    7. I am in love with the GapFit Brushed Tech Jersey joggers. I get them at the Gap outlet (or Gap Factory online)

  23. I’m going to Santa Fe next weekend with my sister – anything we shouldn’t miss while we’re there? Already have tickets for Meow Wolf and Georgia O’Keeffe museum.

    2. I just got back 2 weeks ago!

      If you’re a spa person at all, you must go to Ten Thousand Waves! It was soooo amazing.

      Also get a reservation at Sazon if you can. Dolina was a great bakery and breakfast spot.

      I thoroughly enjoyed my day browsing galleries on Canyon Road, too. We ate lunch at The Teahouse, which was great. If you’re into black tea, their Santa Fe blend is worth taking home!

    3. Drive to Taos for a day if you have a rental car. There’s a high road and a low road, and you can take one there and another one back. Beautiful drive and you can see the authentic Taos Pueblo.

      Give yourself time to just wander downtown and, if you’re anything like me, buy some jewelry.

      1. +1 to Taos the the pueblo tour. It’s been continuously inhabited for 1000 years!
        While you’re up there, drive the Enchanted Circle too. It’s about an hour and it is absolutely gorgeous right now.
        If you’re big O’Keeffe fans, Ghost Ranch is an hour north of town.
        Ten Thousand Waves is fantastic, Ojo Santa Fe is another good spa.
        There are options for hiking in town, and we also like the Bandelier National Monument. The main loop takes you through cavetes and pueblo ruins. Another area is the Tsankawi Petroglyphs – this hike is a little more strenuous but the views + petroglyphs are stunning.
        Food – in addition to Sazon, Horno is great (you’ll need a reservation). Casa Chimayo has really authentic dishes and a great homey vibe. South of the plaza is the Railyard, which has drinks and dining options as well – we like Paloma and Opuntia.
        Have fun!

      2. If you go up to Taos, make reservations for dinner at Rancho de Chimayo on your way back to Santa Fe. Great food and the most amazing views!

        Shidoni sculpture garden in Tesuque is also fantastic, and El Nido restaurant is nearby and consistently delicious.

        If you want to shop for crafts and southwestern jewelry, the sellers under the portal at Palace of the Governors are all Indigenous. There is also a market at El Museo Cultural in the Railyard District with local crafts and antiques that is worth a visit.

  24. Mom has a history of mental illness and really, really poor judgment about a LOT of things. Mom met BF in December, moved in with him in Feb and just told us they’re engaged. Mom is in a secondary city, so a plane ride with a layover away, comes for Christmas typically for 5-7 days. Fiancé, who we met once for 20 minutes last month, is not welcome in our home as far as I’m concerned. I don’t know this guy, I don’t trust that he’s a good person on mom’s judgment alone. Plus, we’re still very much mourning dad’s passing (4 years ago) as a family – died suddenly a week before DD was born. She was too until, what appears to be, the day she met BF. We have a 4 year old daughter, and her only grandchild in the US (sister lives abroad in a remote area).

    I’m willing to accept the consequences and impact to mom’s and my relationship if this creates a bigger rift. Just want to make sure I’m not way, way, way out of line here.

    Also, they’re both heavy smokers and he has COPD, has spent a number of nights in the ER in the last 60 days, from what she tells us (she loves to take care of someone, be a martyr, so I’m sure that plays in to the relationship dynamic, but I digress..). He honestly probably can’t physically make the trip as it is, but mom doesn’t want to hear that at this point.

    1. Does “not welcome in our home” mean that Mom was planning to bring him to spend the night or that they’re staying in a hotel and he’s not welcome to even come over? I understand not wanting a person you don’t know to sleep over when you’ve got kids, but I do think it’s harsh not to even let him come over to dinner unless there’s more than you’re saying here.

      It sounds like part of the reason is because you are still grieving. I understand that and I would be grieving in your situation as well. The only thing I’d say is that your mom is allowed to find another companion, and it doesn’t mean anything about her feelings about your father and his death. There’s always shock and awkward feelings around that (I felt the same when my father started dating after my mother died).

      I can’t tell from your post, but this comes with a huge caveat that if your mother was abusive toward you, and this is coloring your view, then that is completely understandable and I similarly wouldn’t want contact.

      1. +1 to the last sentence of your first paragraph. It’s going to be impossible to figure out what kind of person he is if you never spend time with him. If that’s the goal, then okay, but I think not in the house at all period is a little much. (With the caveats provided above).

        1. DH thinks she’s very mentally abusive, manipulative and has “selective memory” when recalling how things actually went down. I just know her as mom, I guess, and haven’t really applied a label over the years. We’ve been trying hard to set boundaries with her, but kid + holiday had always been the give. There’s a lot I’m not sharing, I guess, but her judgment is exceptionally poor, especially of people. I hadn’t considered the compromise of them staying in a local hotel. Maybe we do that and just have some structured time – aquarium visits and the like – for the duration of their stay. Appreciate the feedback, except for the person calling me childish, of course. Processing a lot here, and willing to amend my original approach based on feedback is hardly childish.

    2. Based on just what you wrote in this post, I do kind of think you are the a-hole. It is hard to tell for sure, but do you not want your mom’s fiance to visit at all? Like even if they stay at a hotel, you won’t let him into your house? It is 100% valid to still be sad about the loss of your dad, but your mom is a grown woman who should be allowed to find a new companion several years after her husband’s passing. It is not like she started dating this guy a week after your dad died.

      That being said, I would not be thrilled with having someone who smokes stay in my house, so I completely support asking them to get a hotel. And to refrain from smoking at all while they are in the presence of you and your daughter.

        1. Agree. My mom was widowed for years and it would have been unrealistic of us to expect her to never date or have another partner after he died.

          OP you’re being childish.

        2. Anon at 12:20 PM, that is a gross and cruel comment. People mourn their loved ones on all kinds of timelines. For many people in life (many of who have shared very open and thoughtful comments about their own processes on this s*te recently), it fades but doesn’t end.

          1. I also was surprised by four years, not because that’s a long time to still be mourning, but to me it seems like a long time to expect the whole family to be mourning together in a way that excludes mom from starting new relationships. If four years isn’t enough time, when is?

          2. If OP is still mourning after 4 years, then she will continue to work through the process. But it sounds as if her mother is in a different place. I understand not wanting a stranger staying in my house and around my kids, but it sounds to me like there is something of an effort to sabotage OP’s mother’s relationship. It’s that part that seems problematic to me.

            Have them stay in a hotel, plan dinner and activities, be friendly and genuinely try to get to know your mother’s new partner. You may like him or dislike him, but it will be based on your own judgment.

          3. No one is suggesting OP can’t continue to grieve her father after 4 years. What people are reacting to is the pearl clutching that her mom is dating again after 4 years. Frankly I think it’s inappropriate to judge a widow for dating again on whatever timeline works for her but even the most conservative person surely would consider a 4 year gap to be sufficient.

      2. +1 to all this. The smoking stood out to me to and is the most valid reason not to have them in your home. The risks of second and thirdhand smoke are real, and more serious with a young child around. But yeah, from the way the post was written I was expecting to read that the dad died two months ago. 4 years is a completely normal timeframe for moving on. I would guess that most widowers and a decent number of widows resuming dating faster than that, in fact.

        You can do what you want, but own that your lack of acceptance of a parent’s partner is likely to significantly impact your relationship (and by proxy, your kids’ relationship) with that parent. My dad could not accept his mother’s new BF (years after his father’s death) and it was a big factor in the demise of their relationship.

    4. Could they come to visit but stay in a hotel/not with you? It sounds like there’s a lot of back story here as to why you don’t trust mom’s judgment, but no reason to not get to know this guy better (with appropriate boundaries).
      As an ulterior motive, saying “yes visit, here’s a local hotel since we don’t know Joe” is more of a reasonable middle ground, esp if you think it’s likely to be much ado about nothing if he health is likely to prevent the trip anyway.

    5. This reminds me of the introduction to the podcast “Dirty John.” The fiancee turned out to be a grifter/sociopath trying to use the mom for all she was worth.

      If I were you and it were my mom, I’d want to spend as much time as I could with them to make sure there weren’t any glaring red flags. If he’s just a guy she moved too fast with, that’s one thing. But if there’s something nefarious going on, I’d want to be able to support her through it.

      That’s only if your mom wasn’t abusive and you have a caring relationship with her. They can stay in a hotel and don’t have to stay with you. But you only get one mom and cutting ties like this might be something you come to regret later.

      If he actually does something, that would be one thing. But right now it doesn’t sound like there is any grounds for the banishment, other than the fact that they moved quickly.

      1. she could be taken advantage of mentally emotionally physically and financially. it should a tough she has a mental illness that’s never been diagnosed.

        love bombing and appealing to martyr isms could be the cause of this fast merge.

        get her an early Christmas present of an estate attorney stat. if all in s trust for her and he stays great. don’t let your mom be abused because she couldn’t do better for you.

    6. You can still miss your dad but you can’t still be actively mourning after 4 years! Is your mum meant to sit home alone because you are mourning?
      My mum started dating 6 month after our dad passed and was married 2 years later. She’s happy, I’m happy. Plus we always had a deal. I’m nice to her friends and she is nice to mine. Kindly, you need to get over it.

    7. I would not allow a smoker in my home at all. Even if they smoke outside, they still bring it in on their clothes. If she insists on visiting I’d have her stay in a hotel and then only meet her in public areas.

      1. I would probably have to do the same, even though there are smokers I would love to have as guests in my house. I have a medical condition that makes me extremely sensitive to smoke.

      2. I agree, but I don’t think this is really about the smoking, because the mom smokes too and OP apparently has no problem with that.

    8. I think it’s odd to not let him stay at your house unless you have some reason not to other than you don’t know him. The smoking might be a reason – except your mom is a heavy smoker too and you let her stay with you, so as long as fiancé follows whatever rules you have in place for mom, he should be good. It’s your house and you don’t have to let people stay over or even come over if you don’t want to but yikes are you really not going to let your kid bring home friends or eventually a SO? You wanting to bar fiance seems to have more to do with not wanting your mom to date. You don’t get to make that call. And you shouldn’t be mad at her for dating FOUR YEARS after her husband’s death. I’m sure there’s more to the situation, families are complicated, but from what you’ve said here, yeah you’re way out of line.

    9. “Not welcome in my house” seems like a status that should be reserved for those who have been proven to be abusive, or criminal, or racist, or in some other way actually terrible, not for someone you just don’t know well. But if you don’t want him staying in your house, that’s fair, suggest a hotel. You need to get to know him and judge for yourself whether he’s “a good person,” rather than simply deciding he’s probably not because you don’t trust your mother’s judgment.

      And it’s been four years, it’s reasonable for your mother to move on with her life, and IMO it’s unfair of you to hold your grief against her in a new relationship.

      1. it’s the swift change. stop judging then all.

        some people never recover from loss and others quickly.

  25. I am low maintenance but vain and am trying to look a little more put together. I actually styled my hair today (just drying it with the Revlon drying brush that everybody loves) instead of air drying and hate to admit that it does look so much better. Yes, it only took 5 minutes so the cost / benefit here is really in favor of continuing to dry it but it is another step in the process.

    That being said – it looked FANTASTIC when I had just finished drying it. Now it’s significantly flatter. Any ideas on what to use to keep the body and smoothness longer?

    1. When I use the Revlon I wrap my top layer of hair and really blast it at the roots to get volume.

    3. I am also lazy about styling my hair and I love L’Oréal’s lamellar water rinse. I use it 2-3 times per week and it makes my hair look way more polished without weighing it down.

  26. Where are my Mass ladies? We did our driving tour this weekend – I thought you’d like to hear an outsider’s thoughts about your area :)

    Refresher: my husband is a pilot considering taking a job flying out of BOS – pilots don’t have 9-5 commutes, so we’re open to a ~90 minute radius from the airport. I WFH and need the airport maybe once a month. We want a couple acres, preferably a historic house, on a max budget of $1.25.

    We started in the northwest. We really liked the whole area. Harvard was our favorite – the rolling hills and open land were so picturesque. Pepperell was so pretty and tiny, too. Groton was almost too perfect somehow? (My uncle asked if we’d looked in Concord and Lexington – yes, yes, we had – sigh – so gorgeous! But not in the budget, as you all know.)

    We swung next up into New Hampshire. On paper, the houses fit our needs, but the vibe’s just not right. You all had mentioned that before, and it’s hard to describe, and we agree. We did find one beautiful old home that we were seriously considering calling the listing agent to show to us, but my Zillow search had accidentally wandered a bit far afield, and we were too far from the airport.

    We went down into northeast Mass next. My uncle was in raptures over Newburyport, and it’s beautiful, but not what we’re looking for. We followed the river and did those towns – Amesbury, Merrimac, et al. We didn’t love these areas. While some individual houses had nice lots or what have you, the area felt inconsistent – generic new construction in-fill, some tired liquor stores, but some cute streets. We liked Boxford and Georgetown as expected – Georgetown more than Boxford – we could live in either one of these towns.

    We then swung way down to Natick and Dover to drive by listings there. Getting to the house in Natick, we discovered what N and W towns were! Beautiful, yes, but that level of affluence isn’t our scene. Also, the area felt really hemmed in (I was also tired and cranky after this many days in the car, so that could have been a factor too, ha) – there was land, yes, but no breathing room, if that makes sense. We did really like the house in Dover that was open that day – it reminded me of my childhood home, but not enough land.

    Those were our last planned towns in the Boston area and we were headed down into Rhode Island, but on a whim, we turned southeast. I know you all said traffic getting into the city is always awful from the south, but a cute listing or two lured us in, ha. Can any of you speak to the Bridgewaters, Easton, Raynham, Halifax – that area? There were two listings there we really liked – it seems like we could get what we want down there, but I’m wondering if there are Reasons Why.

    Thanks for all your input on these posts so far! You’ve been immensely helpful :)

    1. I’m not really a fan of those areas – Bridgewater, Raynham, etc. They just aren’t as nice as the other towns you’re looking at.

    2. Hi! I’ve replied a number of times to some of your older posts. Thanks for the response! About what I expected. For context, I grew up on the south shore but now live on the north shore, so I’ve lived both sides of the city.

      Of those you like, I think Groton, Harvard, Georgetown and Boxford are your strike zone. Beyond being leafy nice communities, they’re also so close to NH, ME and the coast. A lot of diversity in what trips you can do over the weekend, day or 1-2 nights.

      This is another “can’t quite put my finger on why” but I don’t love Bridgewater or Raynham at all. Easton is fine. Halifax is kind of middle of nowhere? I think the communities to the north have much different vibes than those to the south. And the traffic – oh my, the traffic from the south is terrible no matter what way you cut it. Route 24 is one of the worst routes to travel anywhere. I have friends in Stoughton and Easton and they will pass on doing things in the city because of Rt 24 being a disaster.

    3. Glad you enjoyed the tour! When you were around Newburyport, did you drive through Newbury and West Newbury at all? There are some houses in those towns that I absolutely love, and in general I think those towns are prettier than Amesbury and Merrimac, although downtown Amesbury is really pretty cute. I am solidly a Northshore person so I can’t speak to the southeast towns, other than to reiterate that it really does feel so much harder to get into the city from that direction. I lived for a little while in Duxbury and always took the commuter rail train because driving in was horrible. That was a long time ago now, though – if I had been able to work from home back then, I might have stayed since I loved the town. Best of luck finding your perfect place!

    4. Long time Bostonian here…I suggest researching the towns in Wikipedia, as there is lots of info there, and also looking at the political slant and demographics. The commute from the south could really be a problem for your husband, as it is so unpredictable and backlogged that he would have to allow lots of extra time to drive to Logan. I am not a fan of the Southeast nor Southwest area, but I don;t know why, so I will bow out of advising you except to say do your homework, and know that the commute situation is to be seriously considered.

    5. The towns you mentioned are more historically… industrial? Easton is okay.

      If you are going to be in Plymouth county, you want to be on the water. We lived in Hingham for a while and I have family in Duxbury. The “south coast” is gorgeous and while the schools aren’t super great, it is beautiful! The commute to Boston is nasty. Rt 24 and 3 are nightmares. Check Waze to see how they look at the times your husband would want to leave.

      FWIW we live in concord now (not on 4+ Acres!) and I recommended Harvard. Friends of ours live out there and love it.

    6. I think you’re on the right track with Harvard etc. It’s a beautiful area. Did you check out Stow? also, listen to your gut! The “feel” of a place is important even if you don’t have Reasons why you feel that way

  27. Speaking of the dyson air wrap, can anyone recommend a more affordable alternative? I have long, thick, wavy hair. I love my dyson hair dryer and was so excited to try the airwrap—but I recently took a lower pay (but much better and lower stress) job so I can’t justify the $600 right now.

    1. The shark equivalent is already cheaper but is also on sale right now as a part of the Amazon prime day thing.

  28. My mental health is in the toilet and I finally decided to do something about it. And…. as confirmed by both my insurance and my EAP, there are exactly zero in-network therapists taking new clients right now (in a major metropolitan area). Adding a weekly therapy bill would be a significant expense and I’m not sure I could swing it. What now?

    1. Just add the bill. Pay as much as you can possibly afford if you really like the person from an initial consultation. It’s so expensive but worth it for someone who is a good fit.

      1. As someone whose financial issues contribute to mental health, I’d advise against this. Keep looking, get on some wait lists, and try to find an online provider who is licensed in your state.

    2. Will they cover virtual therapists? I’ve had luck with finding good matches through Lyra.

    3. Ugh, I’m so sorry. There was a post yesterday with a discount code for better help. Morning thread, I believe. Also, your PCP can likely prescribe and adjust meds. We started there while I waited to get off a therapy wait-list back in the day.

      1. But I did go out of network and pay out of pocket, then submit for partial reimbursement, in the end.

    4. Sadly, this is typical these days. I have gone through some really dark times in the past and (good) therapy has been worth every penny. If there is any way to make it work financially, do it for yourself. Please.

    5. If you can find someone who’s a good fit, it’s worth it to pay out of pocket. There was a point in my life when I was struggling, mentally and financially, and by some miracle, I found the greatest therapist ever. Paying her was a hardship – in fact, I put my student loans in deferral to be able to afford her – but the tools she gave me still resonate a decade later.

    6. I had to pay for it, and yes it was a significant expense. I wish I had a better answer for you.

      Ask your friends in the area to recommend a good mental health practitioner if you’re comfortable doing that. A referral from a current client was only way I could get into the current one.

    7. A lot of therapists will have sliding scale fees. Also, my therapist is not in network but I submit the claims to my health insurance and my total cost ends up being about $85 a session, granted I don’t go every week now. It’s worth it if you find someone you connect with and it’s not a forever weekly expense. There are times I only go once a month to discuss issues I’m having in my personal life.

      1. +1 to sliding scales and submitting yourself. It’s a hassle but it helps you hit your deductible, at the very least.

    8. I think its worth it to pay out of pocket to get the care you need.

      However, when you can, it’s also worth going to your state’s insurance regulator to see if they can offer advice/help. In my state, an insurance company is required to pay for out of network care if it’s impossible to receive in-network care because there’s no one in-network accepting new patients. Insurance companies frequently violate this requirement, but people have had luck after contacting the state insurance regulator.

    9. What about in-state? My therapy is virtual and she’s about 10 hours away (in California so still in-state). I prefer over Zoom since it feels more comfortable to be in my own home, and it would be hard for me to believe there are no in-network therapists in your state that have availability (especially in more rural/suburban areas).

    10. Our company EAP also offers BetterHelp for virtual therapy, so maybe see if they have something like that, instead of in person.

    11. And also just because they’re not in-network doesn’t mean your insurance will pay nothing. I never once had an in-network therapist — I fronted the cost, the therapist provided a “superbill” once a month, and I submitted it to my insurance company for reimbursement. I always got back more than half (sometimes way more) of what I paid out of pocket so it was a big help.

    12. My insurance company has I think never told me the truth about in-network providers. So while this is possible, I wouldn’t just take their word for it.

      As others mentioned, is telehealth an option?

  29. My friend’s mom, who I’ve met like twice in my life, has friended me on Facebook. She keeps trying to start conversations with me by posting on my wall, one of those posts where there’s an emoji of herself and the font is really big and it will say something like “Tell Me About Your Beautiful Garden and How Old Are Your Kids Now?”

    I know she wants to start a conversation, and I know it won’t end quickly (if ever!) if I engage too much. There’s also something about it being on the wall instead of a DM that feels a bit invasive &too public to me.

    I don’t mind being kind to this woman, who is not all that elderly, but I do want to minimize this. What would you do? I’ve been giving one or two word answers but she doesn’t stop.

    1. Ignore.

      If you see her in person and she asks about it, say “Oh, I’m not on Facebook very often”.

    2. If I were you, I’d just message her directly to answer any questions she has. She obviously wants to start a conversation to learn about how you’re doing, and getting it into a private chat would be a way to connect. She may just not know that the wall isn’t the chat feature.

      I have a soft spot for my friends’ moms though, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But if she knew you as a child, it’s sweet that she still cares.

      1. I think I might feel more sentimental about her if I had know her since childhood.

        I worked with her daughter for about 10 years and we’ve remained friends. Mostly texting friends as we now live a plane ride apart. I’ve literally only met the mom twice, once at friend’s baby shower, and once when friend still lived in my area and mom was visiting.

        I hesitate to move it into DMs because I don’t really want to get stuck in a long back and forth. I know that sounds mean but I don’t really know this person.

    4. Just ignore. You are thinking too much about this. Pretend you don’t go on FB that much so didn’t see it.

    5. Do you actively use fb? Personally I would just ignore it, but that’s easy for me bc I haven’t interacted publicly on fb for a few years, so it’s not like Friend’s Mom would see me posting pics or commenting on others’ feed posts but not hers.

  30. Before I pull the trigger on buying one: A friend just told me the Etsuko isn’t fashionable anymore. True/false? In-house lawyer in NY area.

    1. Pencil dresses are passé in some ways. Worth reading the comments on the “colorful sheaths for work” post from last week.

    2. I guess I never thought of mine as fashionable but more practical and appropriate. There are probably certain workplaces where someone might think you’re uncool but at an in-house law gig? I’m not sure stylish is the target.

      1. I’m okay with not being stylish! I just don’t want to be unstylish :) I think of the black Etsuko as being a classic, but it made me wonder if I’m thinking about it incorrectly…

    3. I wouldn’t buy a colorful one. Black maybe. The hemline looks a touch short for modern trends, FWIW. I’d like it better if it hit just below the knee.

      1. I’ve always thought they were too short. Keep it at the knee for business formal.

  31. How much is too much time off? I’m a partner in a small law firm (less than 5 attorneys and less than 5 admin assistants), and I have one admin assistant who has taken off 15 days since June of this year. She is an hourly employee, gets paid holidays, and one week of paid vacation time. Other than that, if she’s not working, she’s not getting paid. Her days off have started to impact the work that is getting done. It’s clear that she does not *need* to work (she’s told me that in casual conversation). My partner wants to bring this up to her and start denying her requested days off. I think that will just make her quit, and I’m loathe to do that based on our difficulty hiring someone to fill this role in the past. My partner says that we can’t be held hostage by the assistants. Thoughts? Other ways to frame this issue? FWIW, the majority of these days off have been for concerts, out of town trips, or the like. Some have been due to illness or vet appointments for her pets (no kids). This also does not count days where she leaves early due to illness, which has occurred maybe 3-5 times in that same timeframe.

    1. This is not an employee I’d want to have. You can’t be gone 2 weeks in just 4 months! Start looking for her replacement.

    2. As someone who works in a civilized country with high standards for vacation time it’s absolutely laughable that you think taking 15 days off is holding you ‘hostage’.

      3. Agree. And giving an employee one week of paid vacation time is INSANE. Of course this woman isn’t invested in the job. If you want to hire and retain good employees you have to give them decent benefits.

    4. What about reducing her hours and her hourly rate? Can you have her go part time so she is still available in some capacity but not someone you can really rely on? If you didn’t mention how hard it has been to fill the roll, I would absolutely let her go asap. I initially read 15 days since January and had to do a double take.

      1. Trying to agree on a reduced schedule where she actually works all of her hours makes sense to me, but reducing her hourly rate does not. She has told OP that she doesn’t need this job, so lowering her pay rate is likely to lead to her quitting.

    5. One week of paid vacation seems pretty measly, FWIW. Is it the unavailability that’s the issue, or the unpredictability of the unavailability?

      1. yea i agree with this. i’ve taken more than 15 days off since June, granted I have 25 vacation days a year and save it to use and have been with my employer for 6 years. one week of paid vacation is very very little, especially with no separate paid sick time. i’m jewish and would have to use all of that vacation time just to observe the holidays.

        1. +1, also Jewish although I don’t think religion is the main issue here – everyone has a life and commitments outside of work and 1 week of PTO is sooo incredibly stingy. I also have a generous 25 days + a week at Christmas (not a holiday for me, but I still get the time) and use it all with zero complaints. My time off is pretty clustered due to my husband’s academic job. I’m typically off the Christmas week with everyone else, off for a week at spring break and use the other four weeks between May and July, so even more condensed than what this employee did. I get my work done and have always gotten great reviews. I would drop out of the workforce completely before taking a job that only allowed me a week off. How inhumane, even by American standards.

    6. That is a lot of time off in just a few months, BUT, 5 paid days off per year? Including sick time? I would assume any employee would need or want to take more time off than this, so it’s not at all surprising she’s pushing boundaries to get more time off.

      Also legal assistants in my area are VERY hard to come by right now. Lots of open spots with not as many experienced applicants floating around. If you fire her, you will never find a replacement without more PTO.

    7. How much advance warning is she giving you? Take a look at your procedures around requesting time off. It’s perfectly normal to say, other than emergencies you have to ask for time off X weeks ahead of time. If you know you have a deadline then say no. But if this is a volume of work problem vs a timing problem then you might have to look for someone new.

    8. It seems like a lot. If you need more work from her, be up front about that. Leave the “she doesn’t need to work” out of it.
      On a side note, one week of paid vacation time is pretty measly. Do admins get sick time on top of that? That might be part of the reason you have trouble hiring.

    9. I’m sorry, you have a full time employee with one single week of PTO a year? You should be thanking your lucky stars that the position is filled, period.

    10. You aren’t giving her enough paid time off.

      For context, we give our nanny 10 days of vacation, 5 days of sick/PTO, and then all paid holidays where my husband and I are off. Plus she gets any days we take off extra as bonus days off.

      I based this on what entry level employees at my F500 company get.

    11. So if she had kids, the appointments would be more excusable? Pets are just as valid as kids.

      1. I really hate this logic as well. Some people have kids (because they have been able to have kids) but many don’t because of choice or because biology decided for them. The ones with no kids have just as much right to time to do things they find valuable and enjoyable.

    12. OP here. To answer some of the questions, we increase paid time off after each 6 months that an employee has been here. Since she is a new employee, we start with a week and then increase it to two weeks once she has been here a year and then we have a schedule for additional days to be added yearly. Her main job is to be first on the phones, and she is at our front desk handling clients who are here in person (the majority of our clients remain dedicated to in person appointments). If she’s not here, the other admins have to do that, and there is more substantive work that they could be doing. We pay higher for admins than any other firm in the area and include retirement benefits and insurance. My question is really: how many days off paid or unpaid are reasonable and would you expect from someone in this role? My partner thinks this is too much, and we should make it clear that this is too much. I actually didn’t think it was too much until I realized how far behind it makes us in other work.

      1. Even as a lowly admin I took 20 days off a year. I’m long past my admin phase in life and probably take closer to 25 days off a year now.

      2. The increasing scale of PTO is more humane than I originally thought. Having said that, even within the first year of employment, I think two weeks is reasonable, considering sick time and vacation seem to be in the same bucket at your firm.

        So I guess around that amount is what I’d expect. How much is unreasonable seems so context dependent (15 days spread out doesn’t seem awful to me). But at the end of the day, if her time off has a negative impact on everyone’s work, then future requests that aren’t emergencies probably need to be denied after you have a conversation with her about it. But I wouldn’t expect her to stick around if she doesn’t need the job!

      3. 20 days of leave a year (plus public holidays) and 10 days of sick leave a year is reasonable: all paid. Unlimited unpaid sick leave because no one wants sick people coming into the office.

        Do you need to hire more staff if you need more coverage?

  32. I need recommendations for a new vacuum cleaner.
    Carpet and vinyl floors, mostly dealing with hair (mine, lol) and crumbs. No pets.
    Needs to be powerful, so I’m thinking corded would be fine.

    Are vacuum cleaners with bags still a thing? (My last vacuum cleaner was a small Philips one with bags you take out and throw away. Those are common in Europe where I’m originally from, but I haven’t seen them as much here.)

    1. I’m perfectly happy with my Kenmore vacuum (with a bag), but if you’re fine spending a lot of money Miele is a popular brand.

    2. Yes, many vacuums except for the trendy ones (Dyson and imitators) still have bags. High-quality bags will help a lot with dust and allergies. I have a decade-old Oreck that is still going strong with proper maintenance. If it ever dies I am going to look at Miele.

    3. Very happy with my Miele (although I will have a whinge about how expensive the bags are).

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