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I somehow wound up updating our little widget with trendy winter coats for work a few days ago, and this one from J.Crew stuck out immediately — I love that unusual blue, and the general shape is very on trend for this year.
The coat comes in four colors in regular (00-24), petite, and tall sizes, and the blue version is down to $249 for today only. As always with J.Crew coats, the sizes are going quickly.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Some of our favorite classic coats for work as of 2024 include: olive / blue / green / caramel / black / gray (not pictured but also) – and don't forget to check out our editors' favorite washable winter coats!
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Big sales today at J.Crew – take an extra 75% off select sale styles, extra 50% off all other sale styles.
Anon
I’m seeing a very good friend in November. She and her husband just bought a house and I’d like to get them a housewarming gift. Obviously nothing that could be in contrast to their aesthetic and I have not seen the house since they live a good 2 hours from me. I’m thinking maybe some nice olive oil or something along those lines. Her husband likes to cook so that’s where my head is going. Any suggestions? Im trying to avoid the standard candle ugh.
Anon
A big jar of Nutella was the best housewarming gift I ever received. That and/or a Home Depot gift card.
anon
+1 to Home Depot gift card. They will inevitably need to buy random, not fun stuff that is just surprisingly expensive. If you need to buy physical stuff, throw in a bag of painters rags or shop towels.
Anne-on
I’d order a gift basket from Penzey’s spices – they have lots of great options for grilling/baking/hot cocoa mixes/etc.
Anon
I love Penzey’s spices. I like their Sandwich Sprinkle, Southwest Seasoning, Greek Seasoning, and Smoked Paprika, in addition to all the regular stuff. I’d also be happy with olive oil and vinegar. I’m otherwise a hard person to buy gifts for (don’t like anything scented, don’t really drink alcohol, not big on chocolate), but I do really like spices, oil, and vinegar!
anon
I like to buy things like fire extinguishers, smoke alarms, CO2 alarms and other non-fun items that you need for a new home but are boring to buy!
Anonymous
+1 for fire extinguishers.
Anonymous
Where I live the seller would be in violation of code if they sold a house without functioning smoke alarms and fire extinguishers, but a first aid kit would be great.
Anon
you can buy new ones that are spray cans.
I heard HD ceo is a big Trump fan but I’ve not confirmed.
Anon
Just for the record, I’d like a huge bit of a wheel of parmesan cheese.
Anon8
Brightland olive oil or vinegar make great gifts!
anonshmanon
I always love a nice olive oil, fancy vinegar or salt. A cute tea towel is also a nice gesture, and not the end of the world if it is totally wrong for them.
Anokha
If they’re new to the area, a gift card to a local restaurant?
Anon
Those Swedish compostable tea towels are cute, zero waste, and useful! Tea or coffee is nice if you know their tastes. Also, longer candlesticks are back in style now and there are some really cute ones at HAY with holders as well. They feel festive! I like to get anything at the intersection of something they might not necessarily buy for themselves/something that feels fun or luxurious/something consumable or usable that won’t take up space.
Anon
Maybe Geometry kitchen towels?
Anonymous
If you get oils or vinegars, get good quality regular stuff, not novelty flavors.
Some other food items could be some specialty items where the quality really matters, and that would feel like a real splurge. You could get a tin of proper French confit duck. Tinned chestnuts. Real Bourbon vanilla pods. Really nice salt. Proper Modena Balsamico. Real truffle mushroom. Saffron.
Anon
Wow! Do you have any specific brand suggestions?
Anon
Definitely consumables since people are picky about color schemes, doo-dads etc
Anon
I always get a plant.
No Face
Fancy olive oil is great. I also like some sort of overpriced, locally made specialty food.
Anonymous
My favorite gifts were a Welcome mat with a Home Depot gift card.
Curious
Has anyone had success improving how deeply they sleep? Fitbit (admittedly not the most reliable of sleep indicators) says I don’t get enough deep sleep. This matches my sense — I sleep long enough but wake tired. I’m 6 months out of chemo and this has been consistent even when I wasn’t working, kiddo wasn’t bringing home daycare illness every week, and I was working out more, so I think it’s not quite those variables. Where would you focus? Is it worth asking for a sleep study?
anon
I just got an Oura ring and I’m now fascinated with my sleep data. :)
I’ve noticed (and my internet reading seems to support) that even a little bit of alcohol affects how much deep sleep I’m getting. It significantly reduces it. Also, most of my deep sleep is between 10pm and midnight so really I need to be asleep by 10, or I won’t get as much. I did a hard bike ride on Sunday and thought that would increase my deep sleep, but it was extremely low that night, so that surprised me. I’ll need to get more data on how exercise affects it.
anon
Also, I have noticed that the amount of deep sleep I get correlates to how good I feel the next day. I didn’t get a lot of total sleep last night (working late), but a good amount of deep sleep and I feel great. The other day I got like 9 hours of sleep but only 15 minutes of deep sleep, and I was dragging all day.
Anon
+1 to this.
For what it’s worth, bad sleep seems to increase my RHR.
Curious
It does for me, as well. I don’t drink coffee or booze mostly, so unfortunately that’s not a change available to me. I suspect hard exercise might help.
Anonymous
i feel like everything including sleep studies are hooey for quality of sleep. id try the hacks in 4 hour body first.
Anonymous
As someone whose sleep apnea was diagnosed during one of those “hooey” studies you reference, I’m glad I didn’t listen to advice like that. Getting set up with a CPAP machine was like turning a light switch on in my life–I instantly got back my energy and concentration. My memory and mood have improved. My blood pressure has lowered. I knew I was tired and was trying to outrun it by sleeping in as much as I could when I could and taking vitamins and doing all the sleep hygiene stuff, but I had forgotten what actual quality of sleep felt like and the difference it makes. My doctor would also beg to disagree as undiagnosed apnea contributes to stroke, heart disease and even death. But, you know, hooey.
Anonymous
apnea is not the same as “quality of sleep”
apnea is obviously detectable by a sleep study, that’s why you go to a sleep study
you don’t get a sleep study just to try to do something amorphous like “improve your quality of sleep”
Anon
Following with interest.
Some things that have helped me:
–Significantly cutting back caffeine
–High intensity exercise for at least an hour a day (can’t be too close to bedtime though as it spikes your adrenaline)
–15 minutes in a sauna at the gym after HIIT to feel completely worn out
–cutting out all alcohol and edibles (both totally mess up my sleep and leave me groggy the next day)
Things that should work that I haven’t tried (lack the self-discipline lol):
–Cutting out screens for an hour before bed
–Not eating for a few hours before bed
–Limiting sugar and salt during the day
–meditation/journaling before bed
–reading a paper book before bed
–managing stress better in general
Limiting caffeine, cutting out alcohol, and adding in more exercise would be my first recommendations though
Anon
I haven’t tried too hard, but agree with the first poster that all deep sleep happens in the first part of the night so you might want to focus on that. I tend to drop into deep sleep almost immediately after falling asleep and get all of my deep sleep between 10 pm and 2 am. When I traveled recently, I noticed that I ended up getting plenty of sleep, but almost no deep sleep, so either the 2 hour time difference or something else about being in a different space (it was much lighter than my room at home) was throwing me off. It’s easy for lots of light to sneak into our bedrooms, so maybe try to get rid of the lights on everything like chargers and power strips if you think that could be an issue? And definitely cut out alcohol if you haven’t already, I know that’s huge for me. Are you on any meds that could be an issue? Lots of drugs affect sleep cycles.
Walnut
In case it is a useful data point, I’m about 1.5 years past chemo and my bloodwork last month is finally approaching normal ranges and I still have lingering neuropathy. If your chemo cocktail had sleep side effects, you probably need more time.
Curious
Thanks, Walnut. I’m glad it’s starting to look more normal. What a brutal chemo. I suspect this is related to cancer + chemo + baby but want to make sure I’m thinking of everything, as I’m still not working full time and want to be.
No Face
If you wake up tired, get a sleep study. I put a ton of effort into sleep hygiene for minor improvements, but I had sleep apnea all along. Outside of that, intense exercise in the morning, reading before bed, and listening to podcasts or audiobooks as I fell asleep helped.
Anon
Do you sleep long enough?
Curious
I am in bed for 8.5 – 9.5 hours most nights, and Fitbit says I spend 7.5-8.5 hours of that asleep. It tends to notice about one hour of wakefulness per night, spread through the night. I used to sleep deeply between 10 and 2 and do not anymore.
Anon
I need a work shoe to wear with dress pants that is as close to wearing socks and sneakers as possible I have bad feet and I’ve worn flats and loafers for years and I can’t do it anymore. No matter how comfortable the shoe itself is, they tear up my heels into a bleeding, blistered mess. I think I need a shoe that I can wear real socks with, and not “stocking” socks or the little no show liners.
Anon
I do not own these, but have though about buying them: https://pontofootwear.com/womens/black
pugsnbourbon
These are following me around Instagram, and I really like the look. The Cole Haan Zerogrands are popular around here, too.
Senior Attorney
Just wear nice sneakers. It’s pretty much all I wear these days.
https://www.google.com/search?q=women%27s+suit+with+sneakers&rlz=1C1GCEB_enUS879US879&sxsrf=ALiCzsbHR9faP6vFwXyORFyf59aCsU4wOQ:1665512517099&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwitlM3P5dj6AhWDDEQIHTzYAwEQ_AUoAXoECAIQAw&biw=1920&bih=937&dpr=1
Anon
Hmm, I do have nice sneakers (black leather Cole Haan grandpro) but I guess I feel like it still looks a bit ridiculous as permanent footwear with dress clothes.
Anon
I love my sneakers. To me, though, sneakers are just not appropriate for the board room or the CEO’s office, and that’s where I spend much of my in person time. Shoes and freezing cold board rooms are difficult.
Anon
Agreed, that’s why I’m at such a loss.
ELS
If you like Cole Haan sneakers, try their oxford shoe for women. I have a pair of black ones with the black sole, and find them very comfortable. There’s actual padding (though not quite as much as a sneaker), but I do my 3/4 walking commute in them regularly and really really like them.
ELS
Have you tried the Cole Haan oxfords, if you like their sneakers? I have a pair of the black on black oxfords, and find them comfortable enough for my walking commute (and I wore them around Europe when I needed to be dressier). They have actual padding in the sole, which helps a lot.
I’ve also got pretty sensitive feet, and these shoes are the first dress shoes I’ve actually been comfortable in long-term.
Senior Attorney
Oh, yeah. The Cole Haan oxfords are fantastic!
Nesprin
I will also echo the cole haan oxfords- they come in leather, they fit a set of superfeet insoles and they look great
Anon
I bought these based on a recommendation here when my feet were killing me:
https://www.zappos.com/p/sas-radiant/product/9570040
They’ve been good. I can’t believe how many compliments I get when I wear these. I’m like what? Why? But I do.
They’re like sneakers on the bottom with a dress flat upper.
I am sure they have other colors if you’re not into the tan upper with a white sole thing. I mainly wear these with jeans. But when my feet were at their worst I wore them to a work event with knee high support stockings so they definitely work with socks.
For what it’s worth, I have battled hurty feet for years and years, and no it’s not from wearing pretty shoes. It was just my feet. My podiatrist gave me lots of shots but nothing ever really worked, until….
I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
Once I started treating the RA (humira, DMARD combo) my feet didn’t hurt any more, the vast majority of the time. On the occasion I described above, I was in a flare. But usually my feet are much better now. Pre-diagnosis, it was if I was in a flare all the time. I guess I was, actually.
Anon
Thanks. I have bad feet too but my main issue at this point is that all dress shoes, even when worn with the stocking socks, make my heels bleed and blister. I guess I just have thin skin back there.
Anon
My answer to this was generously sized Danskos. They’re designed so that the heel just slips and doesn’t rub (hard to explain, but the sole is supposed to be an open back clog, and the non-clogs are supposed to work similarly and allow the foot to move up and down without blisters).
The problem went away when I stopped retaining water so much.
Anon
I feel you on that. The Vionic flats that everyone seemed to like tore my heels to shreds. The SAS, so far so good. The leather is super soft.
Anon
I have not found a more comfortable shoe than SAS, but I seldom wear them for fashion reasons. I’m really tempted by these since they actually look current!
No Face
Do your feet like boots? I wear real socks with all my boots. Even if it is not actually cold where you live, boots look appropriate in fall, winter, and spring until it is hot. I don’t have any ideas for the summer, but you have a long time to figure that out!
Anon
Part of this is actually a pants issue. I have the same problem with easily blistered heels and it’s a lot easier to find shoes to wear with socks when pants are longer than when you’re trying to wear ankle pants.
Of Counsel
I was just about to say this. If you wear full length pants, you can wear real socks with regular dress shoes. As much as I appreciate that ankle length pants could be worn with any heel and did not need to be hemmed, they precluded real hosiery. Now that wider and longer pant legs are in fashion, I have been hemming them for loafers and wearing them with socks. It has done wonders for my feet.
Cat
Is your heel height the issue? Small heel cups / heel lifts might help by lifting your foot so that the curve of your heel better matches up with the depth of the average shoe.
Annony
I bought these cushioned liners on Amazon (search for heel liners) … you just stick them to the inside of your shoes. They’re great!
Camla
I massage the back of my shoes with leather conditioner while I watch TV. I manipulate them in all directions to soften the back and that usually works.
Anonymous
Have you seen a podiatrist? Orthotics saved my feet years ago when I started doing long distance walking. Hardly a blister since then – have thicker orthotics for running shoes and thinner ones for dressier shoes ( eg loafers)
ToS
Aravon shoes with socks – typically black dress socks – do this for me. Francesca is one of the styles, and I can wear orthotics with them.
Anon
Gardening question: I am in my mid-40s, and have lost all interest in gardening. Some celeb recently commented that she could go years without it, which made me think it might be a thing and not just me. I have a SO, who isn’t okay with no/minimal gardening. So now I’m torn between wanting to fill his needs even though I have no interest and don’t really enjoy it any longer, and it being 2022 and finally feeling empowered to say I’m not going to garden if I don’t want to. Has anyone else lost interest like this? I know it could be many reasons, pre-menopause, not being attracted to my SO any more, and who knows what else. Just curious if others have this same feeling.
Anon
Sort of. Life is just a series of tasks, some days.
Anon8
Yes, absolutely. I’m only in my early 30s but I’ve always struggled with this compared to my male partners. I don’t think I’m Ace, gardening is just something I don’t think much about. I’m also on an SSRI which has been amazing for my overall well-being but mostly kicked any gardening-drive even farther down than it was before. My husband is not thrilled, but is understanding. I unfortunately don’t have any answers.
Anon for this
I don’t know how normal it is but I’m in the same boat. I love my husband and he is objectively very attractive but I just have zero drive. I’m not depressed in general. I am happy, active, reasonably fit and enjoy my life. Just zero interest in that activity. I think it’s a combo of stress (since I’ve always been more into it in relaxed scenarios like vacations) and hormonal changes since having kids and being in early peri-menopause. I know my husband isn’t happy and I feel bad about not meeting his needs but I just have zero interest.
Anon
+1
Similarly early 40s, lost interest, otherwise happy and active, more into it during vacations or anytime that’s not after 9pm on a weeknight, no underlying issues in the marriage, usually just suck it up and do it a couple times a week which is a happy medium between both our wants (everyday, never).
Anon
+2. I feel really bad about it too. Part of it also is resentment against my husband for not doing enough around the house and with childcare. I feel like a working mom cliche, tbh.
Anonymous
Send him to me. I don’t want your relationship or for him to stay. I’d be bad at that part but I am.told I am good at the part you don’t want. win-win.
anon
I’m 45. I’ve had zero drive for years. My husband has a very high drive and gardening is one of his love languages. We’ve gotten in many arguments over the years because he thinks I’m not interested in him. I just do it and fake my way through it.
Anonymous
It could be your normal setting and you could have a naturally low libido. You could also have a testosterone low point. Do you generally feel down or low energy or is it just gardening? If you want to just stop, a useful thing to consider is giving your partner a carte blanche to get their needs met elsewhere.
Anon
You can choose not to garden but your husband can also choose not to be with a partner who opts out.
Yes it’s normal for your libido to slow down as you approach menopause.
There are things you can do but I think if you really want help, it’s a sex therapist.
BeenThatGuy
+1 You are free to choose but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.
Anon
Yes, though I don’t know if I lost it so much as never really had it. Husband and I do (a glass of wine helps), but honestly if we just didn’t, it wouldn’t really bother me.
anon
recommend the book “come as you are” if you do have interest in exploring all of the reasons you’ve listed and how they impact desire. it’s a very empowering book.
Mouse
I 100% second the rec of this book – it has info that everyone, male and female, should know about how desire works. It debunked a lot of myths for me. I’d check it out for sure –
OP
Thanks for all the comments, I’m glad to know I’m not alone here. We did have a conversation about this, and brought up the idea of other partners. That was a no-go for both of us, but we did discuss it. We have friends who have tried that and it never ended well.
Anon
Having no interest at all has always been a medical (endocrine) issue for me. (And oral contraception has a 100% success rate with me because it results in 100% abstinence!)
anon for this
Interesting – can you say more about how you determined this? Was it just in a regular bloodwork workup or did you pursue separate testing?
I’ve had zero interest since my kid was born four years ago. Part of it is with all the kid touching I am just touched out at the end of the day, and I suspect part of it is hormonal. I’ve wondered if there’s something larger at play, though.
Anon
Separate testing! I’ve had issues from low thyroid before and from low reproductive hormones (tanked estrogen especially, though I’ve heard low testosterone can also be an issue for people).
I have every intention of going on HRT when I actually hit menopause. For now getting my health in order (which for me meant taking more thyroid and quitting birth control) and supplementing vitex castus* has helped a lot.
*Yes, OTCs are relatively understudied, but so is “low libido in women”!! and I’m fine w/placebo effect anyway.
Anon
For me, desire follows enjoyment. It isn’t good for me, I’m tired of arguing with DH about how one sided it is, so we haven’t done it in about a year and a half. Truly am happier without it and think that if men want gardening, they should care about making it mutually satisfying. I got a lot of peace from understanding that it is not within my power to make DH understand that I’m not a dude and my body doesn’t respond the way he wishes it would.
Anon
This makes my blood boil. No one should feel entitled to gardening without being invested in making sure it’s enjoyable for both parties. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t have heard it the first time. Why do you think he’s so blocked off to understanding?
Anon
Because it’s so easy for him to enjoy it? So I am the problem?
Cb
My partner and I are doing sensate focus therapy right now, and while we are in the relatively early stages, it’s really made such a huge difference in how connected we feel, both emotionally and physically.
Smelly Cat
I have a pair of Chanel ballet flats that smell so bad. I wore them a lot last year (like multiple times a week, which I know I know, I’m supposed to give them a break in between wearing) and I must have become like blind to the smell or something. I don’t think I normally have especially stinky feet, but whew these are bad. Are they salvageable? What can I do?
With Covid it’s been years since I’ve spent a lot of time in my friends homes. Now that we’re back inside, and many people have no shoe policies in their homes, I need to be able to take my shoes off without stinking up the party!
pugsnbourbon
Wipe down the insides with rubbing alcohol or cheap vodka. Stick them in the freezer. Repeat several times.
They may not be totally stink-free but you might get more time out of them.
Anon
If they weren’t leather I would suggest soaking them in water mixed with Lysol laundry sanitizer. I used to run in zero drop sneakers that you didn’t need to wear socks with and Lysol sport laundry sanitizer was crucial. Maybe try freezing them for a few days? Allegedly that can kill odor-causing bacteria.
Anonymous
Spray them with Lysol spray
Anon
The foot odor things at the drugstore work pretty well. I’m partial to the foot powder. For your stinky shoes, fill them up with foot powder and stick a sock in there which also has foot powder in and on it to keep the powder in contact with the surfaces. You may need to replace the powder several times.
Then when you wear the shoes, sprinkle in a light coating of foot powder before you put them on, and when you put them away for the night.
Do make a more sincere effort to give them a day between wearings.
Anon
Try putting a dryer sheet in them
Anon
Nah, that’s just stinky + awful artificial fragrance.
Wipe with alcohol wipes and leave in a sunny, well ventilated place.
PolyD
If you have access to newspaper, I found that crumpled up newspaper stuffed into shoes would help with stink.
Anonymous
Spray them with vodka. Put them in the freezer. Try one of those UV shoe disinfecting gadgets. Leave them in the sun. Put charcoal sachets in them.
Anonymous
there used to be silver insrts to absorb smell
Anon 2.0
I am not sure if this is a rant or advice seeking but I am frustrated. At what you might ask? Bugs. Yes, bugs!
When I go outside, the bugs literally eat me alive. Mosquitos in particular will bite me and leave absolute giant whelps – I am talking baseball sized at times. I basically cannot sit in my own backyard unless I am dripping in bug spray and even that doesn’t always help. We had a large tree cut down that was close to the deck and this didn’t help as I was hoping. Last weekend, we went out for ice cream as the local shop was closing up for the season. This is an outdoor shop and we were outside around an hour – I didn’t use bug spray bc honestly I didn’t think the line would be as long as it was. I got TEN bites and I was wearing long pants and long sleeves. They bit all over my chest and collarbone area that was exposed, my hands, and even my face. DH had zero.
I feel like I cannot be outdoors unless I’m wearing a bee keeper suit. I hate the idea of being soaked in bug spray constantly and I don’t love how any of it smells. Not only do the mosquito bites grow super large, it makes me feel physically sick if I get a few at once. I am not sure what bit me over the weekend as they didn’t get large but they are bright red.
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
pugsnbourbon
I am also a mosquito magnet. You could try clothing treated with permethrin and when you’re outside at home, sit in front of a fan. Mosquitos are weak fliers and fans knock them off course.
Anonymous
Permethrin is really toxic I wouldn’t suggest using it outside of essential military contexts.
Anon
Are you thinking of something else? Permetherin is widely thought to be pretty safe, even on babies. It’s true that they usually recommend putting it on clothing rather than on your skin, but that is for effectiveness rather than toxicity.
Anon
Or maybe thinking of keeping it away from cats? (It’s definitely super dangerous for cats.)
No Face
I get my yard sprayed by a service every summer, otherwise I would not be able to be outside.
Mosquitos thrive in stagnant water, so you may also think about drainage issues in your yard. When it rains, does the water flow somewhere, or does it sit and eventually dry? If it is the later, those areas can be mosquito breeding grounds.
Anon
Agreed, make your yard as inhospitable to mosquitoes as possible by removing all standing water.
Use a purple light bug zapper (forget what they are called) and the fan pugsnbourbon suggested is also a really sensible idea.
I wouldn’t fog because of the harm that causes to the health of humans, beneficial insects, pets, frogs and waterways.
Planting plants they don’t like can also help: smelly ones like rosemary, bay and lavender around where you sit.
I also am allergic to bites and they swell into purple welts so I sympathise with how awful it is.
When I build my next house, I’m getting a screened porch. Meanwhile I find odourless roll on repellant the most effective and least awful to wear.
Anon
Is there anything I can spray with that will be fine for lightening bugs? I love my lightening bugs and don’t totally trust insecticide services to tell this to me straight. But… I’m being eaten alive at this time of year.
Anonymous
Sprayed, probably not, but mosquito dunks in any standing water are harmless and will help (also, think about nonobvious sources of standing water–gutters, drains, etc. I have drainage in my backyard and the catch area where water enters always has some standing water just from the design. Mosquito dunks every 30 days). Also, put up some bat houses on your property.
Anon
Ooh, bat houses! Love that idea!
BB
Yay! Fellow mosquito magnet – I’m sorry! I have been bitten by a mosquito in Boston in November before (it was after a random 70 degree day). Have you tried the Sawyer picaridin bug spray? It has pretty much no smell, unlike DEET sprays, and has worked just as well for me as DEET. It’s my go-to anytime I go outside in the summer now. For hiking and things like that, I still do the Deep Woods DEET.
For the bites, see if your doctor will give you some steroid cream for the itching. It doesn’t help my swelling go down (nothing will) but it does make them itch less until they inevitably turn into blisters and heal.
brokentoe
While it won’t help much when you’re out and about, we’ve had some good success with Thermacell products when we’re at our lake cabin in the woods.
Anonymous
+1 to Thermacell – my husband gets eaten alive too and it really does work remarkably well.
Anon
Hello from a similar mosquito magnet. My husband’s always amazed that I can get bit by a mosquito in the most unlikely of contexts.
We hang these in the trees in our yard. The trick is to put them up early in the season – on the first day that it feels decently warm but you know it’s going to be cool again – so you can kill off the early ones and get the population under control from the beginning.
https://spartanmosquito.com/pages/about-pro-tech
Also, I can’t recommend The Bug Bite Thing enough! Works wonders to stop the itching on a new bite and help it calm down and go away quickly.
https://a.co/6JMCWgV
Anon
I am the most delicious dish most mosquitoes have ever sampled. I can be fully covered and somewhere outside with my family who are all wearing sleeveless tops + shorts, and I’m the one who gets bitten. I also have a huge reaction to bites – maybe the two are related? – so my family, if they get bitten, get a minor annoyance and I get a giant welt that lasts over a week.
I don’t have great solutions but it helped me to read that being delicious to mosquitoes really is a thing – it’s thought to be blood type related, but IDK, my kids have the same blood type as I do – so I’m just super, super prepared. Always bug spray. Religious about clearing standing water in my yard. Have those gutters cleaned yearly! Throw away anything cup shaped that might hold even the smallest amount of water, seriously, it only takes a few drops.
I have never personally had any luck with the purple light bug zappers for mosquitoes.
Anon
Facebook has been stalking me with a product called Bug Bite Thing. It seems worth checking out! It sucks the venom out of the bug bite and supposedly reduces the swelling.
Anon
If your deck has full sun, you could try large pots of either lemongrass or several carnivorous plants. Lemongrass is a natural deterrent, while carnivorous plants just eat ’em. They both require some special care, so do your research.
Kristen
Vitamin B supplement every day helped my husband a lot – he used to get bit all the time and now it’s a lot better.
Writer question
I have a very niche question, but I know we’ve got some readers who have published books, and I don’t know where else to ask!
How was the process of getting an agent, emotionally? Do you take the offer from the first agent who gives one (someone who’s not very experienced in the genre) if you haven’t sent queries to more experienced agents in your genre?
I know the practical steps to querying, but I’m not sure how to make decisions about fit, and chances of getting more than one offer, etc.
Anon
A friend’s daughter did well in high school and got admitted to Flagship State U, which is the sort of place that attracts kids from other states and even overseas. She has done well in college and is finishing up in 3 years (AP credits? IDK if this is common or not). Her plans are to work as a daycare / preschool teacher (not sure if there is a difference). Daycare and preschool teachers are underpaid saints and I’m glad that the daughter will be one of those good souls. Something has been bugging me and I think that it is this: IDK whether anyone would really be OK with this if it were a son and not a daughter. IDK why I feel this way other than you can really not live on that salary without roommates so maybe people think that it will be good for a girl in case they have kids (husband will support her; she can take time off or work PT when she has kids). But for boy, it would just be a no-go (plus, socially, people aren’t always comfortable with a male childcare worker). [Also: you can do this work without a degree, so I really hope that in-state tuition means that the kid doesn’t have student loans.]
I went to Basic State U, so we did graduate with lots of teachers and lower-paid profession classmates and it was no big deal. But I think that competitive colleges just get a different kind of student and with (generally) high tuition, you really probably also think of ROI on any degree. Yes? No?
Cat
TL;DR “I think my friend’s daughter is wasting her high-profile college degree minding 3yos in an underpaid caregiver role, what gives?” and the answer is “MYOB”
Senior Attorney
I get it. It makes me inwardly go “hmmm,” too. Key word, though, being “inwardly.” Not your business, don’t mention it in polite company.
Anon
Haha, thanks for he TL;DR!
Anon
I don’t know about everywhere, but in my state you certainly need a degree to be a lead teacher even at a daycare. I’m not sure your judgement is warranted. If my son wanted to teach preschool, I would support his dream.
anonshmanon
+1000. OP, you are worried that this young woman is charting a path that fits perfectly into gendered expectations, but you should pay attention to the fact that young men in your social circle are not apparently allowed to violate gendered norms. You can have binders full of strong emancipated women, but life gets so much easier when men aren’t stuck in outdated ideas of masculinity.
As for whether kindergarten teacher is a sustainable career choice – maybe, maybe not. Maybe it’s a good choice for the next 10 years of this person’s life. Nobody today gets to pick one job for life anymore.
anon
+1
We need educated early childhood professionals. Desperately.
Anon
IDK — part of what makes some preschool teachers wonderful is not made more so by more education (which is never a bad thing). But a degree is not a magic creator of patience and empathy and warmth and nurturing, especially if you are dealing with kids who aren’t potty trained yet or have developmental needs (many people do!). And it doesn’t create more of that. The key skills for this job are IMO not learnable, but it is certainly good to learn about brain development, first aid, infant CPR, etc. FWIW, for very young children, I’d be less focused on educational credentials vs if I had an older kid I needed a nanny for where they may need to help with math homework.
Anon
Daycares literally can’t not require these education credentials though or they will not be licensed to operate. It’s a legal requirement in many (most??) places in the US. Nannies are not subject to the same requirements.
I would argue though that ECE degrees do teach more than you think. Managing a group of young children is a skill you can learn. You can be the kindest, most patient person in the world but if you don’t understand what is developmentally appropriate or have classroom management skills it’s going to be hard to get through the day. Does it need to be a four year degree, probably not, but don’t discount the skills these women and men have.
Seventh Sister
FWIW, it’s not a requirement in my state for stand-alone centers, but parents really liked the idea that the staff had specialized degrees.
Our state’s licensing required some basic education / background checks for all workers, but the rules were designed so that both people with degrees and those without degrees could run and open daycares. While I liked the administrator with a specialized master’s, and thought she did an excellent job, I ADORED the one who had only completed high school and the basic requirements because she had taught so many kids and had such deep experience with how to handle them.
Anonymous
For the broader question/ observation— There are lots of fields that are dominated by women and historically lower paying that aren’t seen as acceptable careers for men. This is one of them.
On the specifics— Caring for children in preschool and daycare is important, and an excellent education can only be a benefit. The field needs smart people. For the same reasons the rest of society shouldn’t look down on her decision, you also shouldn’t. Forgive me if you’re not, but your post reads like you’re hand wringing or judging her career choice.
Grace
Yes, there are whole fields that pay poorly because they have the assumption of a low paid worker (often a woman) supported by a high-earning partner. See: a lot of non-profit work, social work, education, adjunct university teaching, etc. It’s also terribly hard for single people in these roles. The answer, of course, is to advocate for living wages for all jobs so that these roles don’t need to be “subsidized” or dependent on higher-earning spouses.
Anon
True — I can remember having few male teachers in elementary school (salary + benefits + pension + summers off, none of which daycare teachers get generally or they are not good; plus, no potty training). In upper grades, generally yes for math/science, but still less than half. OTOH, schools pay better than adjunct gigs even if you have a PhD.
ALT
This isn’t your child and it isn’t any of your business. You don’t know her plans for the future. Maybe she’s working as a preschool teacher to get some real life experience prior to getting a masters or a graduate degree in something.
Whatever she is doing and whatever money she’s making and whatever her future plans are or are not, it is NOT your business and not your problem. You sound incredibly snobby and judgmental towards this poor girl.
Anonymous
wow. Okay.
Yes, she is underutilizing her education if sh remains in that position. She’d be better off financially being a nanny. But if the intention is to perhaps open a school or move into some more academic or managerial education role, getting some hands-on years is not a bad idea. Unfortunately, the likelihood is that she plans to be supported by someone else relatively soon. And no, no one would let their son pursue this path.
Anon
“Unfortunately, the likelihood is that she plans to be supported by someone else relatively soon.”
What even is this?!? This is so gross. Maybe she just wants to be a preschool teacher.
Anon
I would love to be a preschool teacher. I remember just falling in love with the kids in the infant room when my kiddo was in there and just wanting to stay all day. And not just my kid, all babies. They are just precious. They are amazing to watch. Maybe in retirement I could be a baby rocker in a hospital (that is a thing for long-term NICU/PICU kids where the parents can’t be there, but even pediatric medicine is hard to get people into (med school debt is the same regardless of specialty and peds jobs pay worse than surgery).
anonshmanon
+1. Why are you making assumptions like that?
Anon
She’s not necessarily better off financially being a nanny. It’s not a high paid position for sure but lead teachers are making at what a nanny makes. Plus there’s a unique benefit of free tuition. It’s really attractive if you have multiple children. Daycare fees for my family are more than $50k a year and I’m not at a fancy place or in a high cost of living area.
It’s also OK to want to be a preschool teacher. She doesn’t have to open up her own school or start a franchise or whatever. It’s ok not to make the most money you possibly can. I feel like people who work at non-profits don’t get this kind of scrutiny despite having very low salaries.
Seventh Sister
The thing with being a nanny is that you are completely at the mercy of 1-2 parents, who may or may not pay you well or give you benefits. Centers have managers that can buffer you from unreasonable parents.
As for sons, my MIL probably would have disowned my husband and BIL if they’d decided to be K-12 teachers. But she’s profoundly unreasonable and believes only high-paying jobs are worth taking. It’s a great attitude to take, if you want to have middle-aged kids who are afraid to tell you that they are SUPER unhappy in their current career and are making steps to change their trajectory.
anon
I think you’re wrong about not needing a degree. Sure, you can probably get in the door without one, but if it’s a career with some sort of upward trajectory – lead teacher or managing a center – you need the degree, and potentially even a master’s, which is flawed at it’s core because the cost of a degree and a master’s is not supported by the salary trajectory of even lead teachers or school directors, but that’s how it’s currently structured in most cases.
Anonymous
I definitely agree with you. There’s a weird element of expecting accomplished educated women to be paid peanuts. Men don’t have this expectation. Society runs on the underpaid and unpaid labour of women and this is just an extension of that. I also really don’t think a bachelor’s degree is necessary to care for a toddler.
anon_needs_a_break
+ one million
Anon
I am not sure what you are asking here but generally yes – most people look at ROI for a degree. Having said that, my own daughter got an arguably impractical degree (she can work with it and support herself, but will not make enough to make the $200K cost “worth it” from a purely financial viewpoint). However, I paid for her degree and she does not have loans so that was not one of her concerns.
And yes – a lot of people are more supportive of socially valuable and low paying jobs for women than men because stereotypes and gender disparities are real and present!
Anonymous
I’m going to quibble with your statement that most people look at ROI. If they did, we would not have nearly so many liberal arts majors and people with a metric ton of student loan debt as we have.
Anon
Point taken. I know my daughter’s friends made that calculation if their parents were not financing their educations but that might be rare.
And mine had flat out said that she probably would have majored in something else and made other plans for her career if she had to worry about loans
Seventh Sister
In my circle, I think people would be more critical (esp. my mom, bless her) if it was a man rather than a woman. They would also talk less about the flexibility if it was a man (who is assumed to be a full-time worker for his whole adult life) than if it was a woman who wanted kids.
FWIW, my kids are older now, but they did have male preschool teachers (some just fine, others really great) and it was NBD. The boy especially loved his male PreK teacher, they really connected well in terms of their personalities. Having more male preschool teachers probably would have improved some of the behavior issues in both preschools because I think there are a lot of women who key children’s behavior to the most compliant girl.
As for the money, the pay scale varies a LOT depending on the type of center. For-profit daycare centers often pay minimum wage and don’t pay benefits. But PreK teachers in my school district are on the same pay scale as the K-12 teachers, which doesn’t result in a huge salary but has good benefits and is certainly well within the “living wage” category of jobs in my VHCOL area. The administrators for the school district are well-paid, especially the assistant superintendents (some oversee preschool/preK programs). If she’s interested in management, there is a pretty dire shortage of qualified preschool directors due to retirements over the past couple decades, and most of those jobs command a decent enough salary. And what a college grad does for the first few years isn’t always what they will do forever.
Anon
The prior director of my kids’ last preschool left to cut hair. She did always have good hair, but could work closer to home and have more say in her hours and not have to constantly be recruiting staff or dealing with people flipping out over not getting an infant slot (16 per year).
Seventh Sister
That seems totally reasonable to me! Recruitment was a constant issue when I was on the board of a preschool, even though we paid fairly well and had good benefits. One of the teachers I really loved left to work at a parochial school because it was less physically taxing than picking up toddlers all day long. And don’t get me started on the lack of infant/toddler spaces, ugh.
Anon
The ratios are 1:4 for infants and something like 1:8 for the 4s room. So there are never enough spots and if your older kid is 4, they walk right in (and then any babies get first priority so they don’t lose 2 kids in an infant slot opens up somewhere else). OTOH, if you have kids 5 years apart, you start all over with no priority. I feel like when I was pregnant, I was constantly told that the wait for infants slots was 2+ years and I didn’t get a slot until after my leave ran out (so was an early WFH adopter, not by choice).
Senior Attorney
A male friend of my son’s actually got a degree in early childhood education.
He graduated into the Great Recession and ended up joining the Marine Corps, where I am virtually certain he was the only recruit in boot camp with such a degree. He’s now working in the field (optics) in which he trained in the Marines.
Anon
An ECE degree is incredibly relevant to training Marines. Source, am a USMC veteran.
Senior Attorney
Haha, I can imagine so!
Anonymous
Probably also for managing people in general.
Anon
FWIW, my daughter did this as a stopover while she was beefing up her MCAT score before medical school. It was a great fit for her during that interval. Like the young woman you mentioned, she finished college early and wanted a few more years to mature before the competition of her professional program. I was glad she saw the value of that. She is terrific with kids and loves being around them, so it was a win for everyone.
Anon
I could see this as a good pause, especially for anyone interested in pediatric medicine or anything related to child development. Like a gap year to figure out life, but with a paycheck and hopefully a plan.
Randomly, I think of my kids, who I didn’t redshirt, as maybe getting the benefit (they will be younger than their peers, so hopefully with a bit of breathing room along the way vs the pressure my friends’ kids feel to have life figured out by 25 so they can be married at 30 and parents by 35, etc. People plan and g-d laughs).
Anon
Are you the same person constantly posting about college and how to get into college etc? You need to take a chill pill.
anon
With heavy use of parenthesis and brackets? It’s gotta be. And I’m not one that picks up diction or regularly accuses “anon” people of being the same person from prior posts. However, this one is absolutely the same style.
Anon
There are a lot of people here who think what you do at age 22 is what you’re going to do forever. Maybe if you’re on the college -> law school -> big law path that is more true. But holy crap, she’s in her early 20s, who knows what her lifelong career is going to look like? Not that it is one single iota of your business to begin with.
Anon
+1
I had tons of different jobs in my 20s. That’s what your 20s are for. It is INCREDIBLY privileged to think that every person’s life looks like college > grad school > career. That is so often not the case.
anon
Eleven years out from an Ivy League law school, and 4/5 people I keep up with are doing something different than what they started out doing. I don’t just mean lateraling from one Big Law firm to another (I’d guess fewer than 10% are with their first firm). Most have moved to a smaller law firm or government or nonprofit or in house or non-legal roles.
Anon
Maybe she just wants to make a difference in the lives of young children and this is where she’s starting. Not everyone believes in the concept of an office job.
Anon
True. OTOH, my kids went to a “good” daycare with benefits in our city and OMFG once I knew how little those people were paid, I wanted to cry. Childcare is expensive, but those people deserved so much more. Before, you didn’t need a degree, but over time they were required to go get AA degrees and then BA degrees, on their own time and at their own expense. Which would be fine, except for people with much experience, it isn’t like there was anything they didn’t know that was relevant to doing their job AND they often had to add on a lot of babysitting jobs on top of that to make ends meet. A job where you need another PT job to live on? No thanks — it’s just not sustainable to work that much and not just be exhausted every other moment of your life.
No Face
Why are we having this discussion as she will definitely go into this field? I know many people that thought they wanted to be teachers until they started their education major, then switched.
Anon
Do schools like Berkeley, UCLA, UVA, etc. even have education schools? I think they may because they are state schools but I would be surprised if Harvard, Yale, etc. did except maybe for grad students but my sense is that they aren’t even generally turning out undergrad education or early childhood majors and that something like a history teacher comes from the history department and then goes to teach at somewhere like Teach for American or Groton.
Anonymous
I think it used to be more common for even “fancy” undergraduate programs to have a way to get a teaching credential as part of your BA, but a lot of schools have phased it out. My alma mater has a program like that, as do plenty of UCs.
Anon
I went to an Ivy, which doesn’t have an ed school or an ed major (just a minor), but I actually have a lot of friends that got graduate degrees in education and are now teachers, principals or have other positions in education leadership. They all work in public schools. The absolute last thing we should be doing is discouraging smart, motivated young people from going into education.
Anon
I know I’d much rather have a history teacher with a history degree than one with an education degree (and so on for every other subject that can be taught).
Anon
Maybe I didn’t realize this, but math teachers aren’t math majors?
Anon
The credentialing program for secondary (middle school – high school) is different than that for elementary schools. Most math, history, etc specialized teachers have a degree in math, history, etc (or close enough) and then get a secondary credential to teach that subject. They can also test into teaching other subjects via the National Teachers Exams. But no, your average education or liberal arts major is not getting assigned a high school math classroom because they’re not qualified to teach that by credential. YMMV at private schools.
signed, former high school math teacher (credentialed) & holder of a BS in Mathematics
Anonymous
My 7th grade math teacher was a baseball coach. After skipping a grade, I was better at the advanced 8th grade math he was “teaching” to us 7th and 8th graders than he was. I had some good math teachers and incredible English teachers, though.
anon
I went to a small, liberal arts school that produced a lot more teachers than math majors. In a class of 400, there were fewer than 5 math majors, and those people are working for Wall Street. The one person I keep up with who is a high school math teacher was a chemistry major with a minor in French, then got a graduate degree in education in France, then was a daycare teacher before getting hired as a public-school teacher.
Nesprin
Depends- in CA at least, you can get a gen ed credential to teach middle school, and credential + a math certificate to teach high school, or do it the other way, and get a math degree and a teaching certificate or credential. To teach at a community college you need a masters. There’s also a ton of new programs to try to get math/eng/science professionals into schools- they work sometimes.
But yes, most people teaching math aren’t particularly well trained in math, which absolutely leads to people not learning math very well and the perception that math is hard and you have to be a math person to learn math (this is very much not true).
Seventh Sister
Some do, some don’t have education majors/departments for their undergrads. The stupidest girl at my Seven Sisters school got into the education grad school at Harvard, but never taught or worked much after finishing her masters.
Anon
Berkeley does. My daughter is on the path to be an elementary school teacher, and she hopes to do her credentialing program “fifth year” at Berkeley (and she has a good chance of that happening). Her major for undergrad is not Education. It’s Liberal Arts. That’s how her college does it.
They have an Early Childhood Education BA major, but it seems to be aimed at preschool teachers, which I think is what OP is referencing. For wannabe public elementary school teachers, it’s Liberal Studies + a credentialing/student teaching year.
Thank goodness some people want to be teachers! We need them. They can always change careers if it doesn’t work out for them. There are a huge number of professional entry level jobs you can get with just about any degree.
Anonymous
Uh, yes, all three of those big public universities have education schools. Many states now require secondary school teachers to get master’s degrees to maintain their licensure.
I am pretty sure that 90% of high school history teachers are really there to coach sportsball.
Anon
I agree MYOB in this instance, but it does bother me how many people are not ok with male childcare workers, including some of my most politically progressive friends. There won’t be equality for women until we accept not only women in male-dominated but also men in traditionally “feminine” fields like daycare workers and nurses.
Anon
I do know a former police officer (male) who was so distressed by being a de facto mental health first responder that he became a social worker.
Anonymous
Hmm. I am not OK with male preschool teachers, but I’m not OK with male doctors either. For some reason I have no issue with male nurses and have found them consistently awesome, probably because any dude who is willing to take the cr@p necessary to be a male nurse really loves the job.
Anon
“Not ok with male preschool teachers” what?!? Examine your sexism! And yes, it really holds women back to say only women can be early childhood educators. Reinforces a “women are soft and nurturing” stereotype that hurts women who don’t fit that mold.
Anonymous
Not that women are more nurturing, just that women are less likely to be weird creepy abusers. It’s happened in youth sports in our community.
Anon
I mean, I get that men are statistically more likely to be abusers than women, but the risk is still incredibly small. If you’re talking about a daycare center and not a one-on-one caregiving situation, there are so many levels of oversight in place that the odds of anyone being able to get away with anything inappropriate are so small as to be basically non-existent. In our school I know the bathrooms don’t have doors and no teacher is ever allowed to undress or diaper a child out of public view. Some of that comes from state licensing regulations, I think. It seems like even if someone *was* a creep abuser (and obviously most are not), there are so many other people around who witness anything untoward that it would get stopped before it went very far. It just seems so sad and narrow-minded to not want your kids to have any male preschool teachers for that reason. Kids absorb so much. It starts as young as preschool, certainly by age 3-4 (if not before) they’re internalizing what they’re learning and observing in the world. If they don’t have any male teachers they will 1000% see caregiving as women’s work and that harms the whole next generation. It really makes me genuinely sad that there are people that think like you do about this.
Anon
Also youth sports is a completely different ballgame (pun intended, ha) than preschool. Much less regulated, much more opportunity for grooming because many sports teach kids to trust coaches and obey them in a way that kids aren’t taught to revere teachers. I would be *much* more concerned about my kid in a sport known for sexual abuse like gymnastics than I would be about a male preschool teacher.
Seventh Sister
To be honest, I always preferred women physicians…until I got pregnant. For my first, I was at one of those big OB practices where you have to rotate around to all the doctors in the group before delivery. The women in the practice were great clinicians, but their response to a lot of my questions/issues boiled down to, “that’s normal, suck it up and deal.” The two guys in the practice were really quite empathetic about some of the non-life-threatening, but unpleasant, aspects of pregnancy. They also talked me through potential solutions and were way more receptive when I said things like, “I will not find bed rest relaxing, sitting in my nice clean office is more relaxing.”
I switched practices for the next kid, but still found the male doctors I saw to be pretty great (though the women in that practice were a VAST improvement too).
Anonymous
I think women doctors of a certain age are all hard-hearted b!tches because they had to be to get through med school and residency back then.
Anon
My husband worked as a nanny for two little girls for a year shortly after college. He met the family when he was working at a local bookstore that was closing and they asked him to come work for them. He still keeps in touch with the family (the girls are now teens) and he’s still amazing with all children. We both work but he would be a million times better at being a SAHP than I would.
Anon
Realistically, for some women to have non-domestic careers, other women are going to have to provide childcare and teach preschool (as you point out, not everyone is comfortable with men doing all the domestic work and childcare in society). This feels like a second vs. third wave feminism thing to me.
Anonymous
But they should be paid well, at least double current rates, if not triple.
Anon
I think this is an excellent situation to consider that there are many different aspects to this. While it’s not appropriate to give unsolicited feedback to this young person, it’s a great opportunity for some inner thought and possibly discussion with your friends.
No a son or man would not be encouraged to take this path, while daughters and women. How much of that is the particular interests and talents of the young person and how much of it is sexism? Do you feel she’s taking a ‘less challenging’ educational path because she’s trying to meet archaic expectations or because she is actually interested in this work? Why do you, me and everyone else hold these teacher, care taker and none white collar jobs in such low regard? Is she really wasting her talents? Doesn’t the teaching industry need talented people? What can be done to push for better pay to make the field more attractive to men and women, and make it a living wage earning career path? On and on, there is lots to discuss here. Care taking jobs and teaching jobs are hard and challenging in different ways than white collar jobs are. White collar jobs may earn more and be held up as the thing to aspire to, but they also don’t necessarily offer society as much value as jobs such as caretaking and teaching.
I read a sci for book years ago that specifically mentioned the white collar people being the least talented and most useless in the ‘new society that formed after the event’ scenario, and it was a great different point of view to consider.
Anonymous
Are you really saying that because she went to flagship state U she is too good to be a preschool teacher, or really any kind of teacher?
Liza
It seems like you’ve made up a hypothetical scenario where people are judging someone’s nonexistent son for going into early childhood education, and you’re getting upset about the scenario you made up in your head. It also sounds a little bit like you’re judging the daughter, i.e., reading between the lines, she’s wasting her “Flagship State U” (?) education on an ECE degree. She’s 18 years old max. It will be fine.
pugsnbourbon
1. Yes, generally there’s a difference between a daycare and a preschool environment. When I taught preschool I was in the same pay scale as the other teachers in the district. I was required to have a degree. I was not a good teacher at all.
2. Teaching is an incredibly difficult job that has somehow gotten even harder in the last 10 years. If school staffing levels continue their current trend, by the time she graduates she’ll have her pick of districts and schools. If we as a country don’t start paying teachers more and improving the profession, I don’t know what we’re going to look like 30 years down the line.
Anon
Re #1, this is not a universal distinction. Our daycare requires all teachers to have four year degrees, childcare aides can have just high school or a two year degree. Teachers get well above minimum wage and good benefits. They prepare kids very well for kindergarten and we’ve never heard of anyone pulling a kid out around age 3 to attend a “preschool.” In my state at least, the “school” vs “daycare” label is a licensing thing and is based on criteria that have nothing to do with a provider’s education. Places that provide childcare to children under a certain age (I think 2?) can’t legally call themselves schools.
pugsnbourbon
Good to know, thanks for clarifying.
Anonymous
I think it’s stupid. Be a real teacher.
Anon
I could use some advice on how to set better boundaries with friends complaining about their boyfriends. At this point, I feel like I need a break from my friendships simply because they complain constantly about how their boyfriends suck but either don’t break it off or do but then get back together. I’d like to keep my friendships but for my own sanity that would mean reducing how often I feel like a bystander to a car crash. Is there a good and effective way to communicate that I don’t want to hear about it?
Anon
I’ve found saying, “Have you considered this isn’t the relationship isn’t for you?” or “it seems like you often run into these problems with him – it may be a matter of whether you can accept him as is or need to let go” shuts up the conversation and deters future complaining. Once they realize you are going to think they should just break up since they complain so much, it will be less attractive to vent to you.
Anon
I sent a text to my friend last week telling her that I care about her, but she needs to find another place to discuss her Groundhog Day complaints about her partner. I hope she will choose therapy, which she knows she needs but has been resisting because describing his behavior in light of her continuation of the relationship will be difficult. she just called today to chat, so I am guessing that we are ok.
Nesprin
“that sounds really rough and I’m not going to be a good audience- I think you can do better than him, but it’s your choice. Lets talk about something else- how’s X going?”
Seventh Sister
In my circle, I think people would be more critical (esp. my mom, bless her) if it was a man rather than a woman. They would also talk less about the flexibility if it was a man (who is assumed to be a full-time worker for his whole adult life) than if it was a woman who wanted kids.
FWIW, my kids are older now, but they did have male preschool teachers (some just fine, others really great) and it was NBD. The boy especially loved his male PreK teacher, they really connected well in terms of their personalities. Having more male preschool teachers probably would have improved some of the behavior issues in both preschools because I think there are a lot of women who key children’s behavior to the most compliant girl.
As for the money, the pay scale varies a LOT depending on the type of center. For-profit daycare centers often pay minimum wage and don’t pay benefits. But PreK teachers in my school district are on the same pay scale as the K-12 teachers, which doesn’t result in a huge salary but has good benefits and is certainly well within the “living wage” category of jobs in my VHCOL area. The administrators for the school district are well-paid, especially the assistant superintendents (some oversee preschool/preK programs). If she’s interested in management, there is a pretty dire shortage of qualified preschool directors due to retirements over the past couple decades, and most of those jobs command a decent enough salary. And what a college grad does for the first few years isn’t always what they will do forever.
Anon
I was a nanny for years after university and made enough to support myself and live on my own! It took some time for me to figure out out my “real” career and what I wanted to do, since my liberal arts degree prepared me for very little. No shame in working.
Monday
I’m home recovering from surgery and can barely talk. People keep knocking at my door. I don’t always answer, and I would assume it was related to the upcoming election but nobody is leaving flyers or anything. I finally put a “No solicitation please” sign on my front door…and somebody came to the side door, offering to cut down a dead tree I have in the back (he was checking out the back of my yard)? Do I need a second sign?
What do I have to do to get strangers to stop coming to my damn door? I’ve never worked from home, is this normal if your car is in the driveway on a weekday? I’m not against people coming to the door in general, but this is so often and I am not in a condition to answer at all. I’m annoyed that people just knock louder if I don’t respond too.
Senior Attorney
Ah, I’m sorry this is happening to you and I hope you are recovering well.
Yes, a sign on every door. And ignore any and all knockers. (Heh. Knockers.)
Anon
Sorry to hear that.
This is not normal. You may have a car left at home if the household has more than one car but everyone has gone to work/school. Pretend nobody is at home. Don’t answer the door. Let them wear themselves out knocking.
If it’s somebody important or someone you know, they will likely contact you via phone if they are trying to visit you.
Cat
Why on earth are you answering the door? No way do I ever respond to an unexpected knock. (Video doorbell shows me who it is, to boot, so if I’m expecting a delivery I can quickly check to see if it’s the truck.)
Monday
I’ve been answering about half the time. Once I said through the door “this isn’t a good time” after they knocked twice. I’m just really confused.
Anonymous
DO NOT open the door. This is how an entire family in our community got murdered.
Vicky Austin
That escalated quickly.
Anon
I feel like somebody intent on murdering a whole family might not be stopped by an unanswered doorbell ring.
Monday
Thanks both. My second sign is now up. I feel like such a grump, but what am I supposed to do?
Even the knocking is unsettling to me, and sometimes wakes me up while napping. I really hope it stops! This has never been an issue before!
Anon
This is weird. We’ve been working from home for the last 2.5 years and could count on one hand the number of times someone has come to our door and expected us to answer. Even UPS/FedEx/USPS rarely ring and don’t expect us to answer. Hope you feel better soon!
Anon
Does your location require a permit to solicit? Asking for a permit usually scares people off.
Anonymous
To keep people out of your backyard, put a “beware of dog” sign on the gate. To keep people from knocking on the front door or encourage them to go away quickly, park your cars in the garage and keep the curtains closed so it looks like no one is home.
Anon
For years I have had a sign on my door in all caps saying “Do not knock or ring bell — BABY IS SLEEPING” on it. My kid is 11. It’s not for the people who know me; it’s for everyone else.
Anonymous
There are similar signs for “Night shift worker sleeping – please do not knock!” and similar.
Anon
Yikes all this does is advertise that no one is home at night (regardless of whether this is true, it makes your home a target)
Anonymous
I’m totally stealing this idea. I’m childfree so my actual friends and family will get a real kick out of it.
Anonymous
I learned during the pandemic that this is very common in my neighborhood. I also learned how much I hate having someone knock on my door when I am home. It is particularly bad because I live in one of those (terrible and unacceptable by the standards here) homes where the front door is in the living room, so it feels very close and also they can see me if I am in the main living spaces. I have actually roped off my front porch to avoid interruptions when I was in Zoom court and put signs asking for no knocking when in slightly less important video meetings. People have respected that. My only fear is having the rope up when the mail comes and having the carrier report that I have effectively moved my service to the street.
Anon
I have a friend who has never once in her life answered the door to anyone she wasn’t expecting. She lives alone and says this is just how she has always been. No harm has come from this policy to date, so I suggest you do the same.
Anon 2.0
Do not answer the door. I will look out my front window and make eye contact with the person knocking and still not answer! LOL
Anon
Same! I don’t owe it to any random stranger to open the door for them, so I don’t feel bad.
AIMS
I agree that you shouldn’t answer but just wanted to say I hope you feel better soon!
Curious
+1!
Anon
I am looking to put in a full-size mirror on the inside of my garage door so that I can use it as a dance studio and see myself reflected in the mirror (hands, feet, face) as I move from side to side.
The other 3 walls of my garage have shelving and stacked boxes, so it would work best if I faced the garage door while dancing.
What type of mirror would work? I found some peel and stick mirror tiles on the river site, wondering if they would work. I think a standing mirror would likely not be wide enough and significantly more expensive. Recommendations?
Anon8
The Ikea Hovet mirror is absolutely massive and only $160. I use it for working out and it works great.
Anonymous
Shatterproof mirror on wheels?
Anon
No advice but good on you for creating my dream of a home dance studio.
Anon
It’s called Amazon.
Anon
Screaming into a void: I am not a visual/design-y person, but my partner and I both grew up with SAH moms who were. We had to renovate our kitchen and it seems like we both just assumed I could do this. Just magically pick out things that go together and make it look nice. And I can’t/couldn’t and now it’s done and doesn’t look very nice.
It seems so obvious typing it out like this. This is a skill, it’s why people pay professionals for their design talents etc. It just wasn’t really on our radar. A decorator seems like something for rich people and this is our starter home.
I’m annoyed at myself too for how gendered this all is and undervaluing this work.
And now I’m the proud owner of an expensive, not very nice kitchen. Ahhhhhhhhh.
Anon
Oh nooo. I’m so sorry! Maybe a color consultant could help you find a new wall paint color that could unify things some.
Anon
I am so sorry! I can commiserate. Certain circumstances forced an unplanned kitchen redo and there are a few things where I’ve been like “oh, crap, didn’t even think of that.” But what’s done is done, now. And of course all decisions were on me. It can be pretty frustrating! (FWIW, I feel like the more wine you have, the better it will look.)
Anonymous
If you want to feel better about it, read Emily Henderson’s recent post on design regret about the living room in her very expensive-looking farmhouse reno.
Anonymous
What that woman has done to a historic house is a crime.
Anonymous
That house isn’t truly historic, just an old run-down dump. I hated the original and I hate the reno. Why anyone would spend so much money on anything so gross and ugly is beyond me. Just spend less money building a new house or if you must have an old house pick one with some character and do a classy reno.
Anon
It’s American Foursquare style. The style is a deliberately plain reaction to the excesses, stylistic and otherwise, of the Victorian era. Sears house kits shipped via railroad made them accessible to non-urban, non-architect-hiring homeowners. No need to sh!t on it just because it’s not your jam.
Zennia
In the future would either of your moms be willing to help with things like this? Do you have a friend with a good visual sense who you can narrow down choices and then ask them to weigh in? One of my friends is much more aesthetically talented than I am and I constantly text her to ask about whether I should buy various home things or not.
No Face
+1 . I do not have a design brain and my mom does. I literally giver her money and carte blanche over certain things in my house. She has a blast and I get a better looking house!
Anonymous
You’re not the only one. My bff is also the proud owner of a brand new really ugly kitchen. I had sort of gingerly tried to have the ‘maybe you should look into a designer’ convo but I obviously failed, so instead I get to hear her talk about how she hates her new kitchen.
Anon
It’s too late now for OP but for anyone else who’s reading this, what you want is a “design-build contractor.” Can be pricier than a normal contractor, but definitely cheaper than hiring a contractor and a separate designer. They won’t take over design completely the way a designer would, but they will hold your hand and ensure things don’t look horrible. They will also give you a lot of 3D renderings and stuff like that, which makes it easier to visualize the finale layout. I have no particular skill in this area and am very happy with how our kitchen came out.
Anon
Maria Killam offers color consultations, in case you’re regretting fixed elements that are expensive to change (tile, countertops, floors). She also has posts on her website about how styling can pull attention away from aspects that might look stark in a just-done room. Good luck!
Kelsey
Does anyone have a good dupe for Dior nail polish, or some other nail polish that has a subtle tint or enhancement, but is not noticeable if you go for awhile without removing it? Neutrogena used to make a nail enhancer product that you could just reapply every few days (it wears off eventually), but it’s been discontinued.
Hanging On
Yes! Just found Nail-Aid 8 in 1 Nude Manicure. It’s actually a light pink to counteract any yellowness on the nail too. Have worn it almost 2 weeks twice without removing and looks decent. Found at Ross’ on a whim but see it’s readily available online.
Mouse
I have one of these from Essie and it’s great: https://www.essie.com/nail-polish/color-and-care
Mouse
I specifically have one of the sheer formulas, BTW –
AIMS
If you mean the Dior glow ones, then pink glove service by Essie is pretty close. one coat plus one coat of topcoat specifically. Also Orly “bare rose.”
Anon
Just get the Dior. The cost per wear is pennies.
Anonymous
I got “kur nail brightener polish” based on influencer reviews but haven’t tried yet.