Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Mixed Tweed Jacket

420 Comments

1. Yay Kat! I LOVE Rebecca Taylor, and I saw this is at the Nordstrom’s in White Plains, where I spent the weekend (in Chapaqua with Rosa and the Kid’s)! I want to get this but need to clear it with the manageing partner, b/c $550 is not something I want him to refuse after I buy it. FOOEY b/c my size may be gone by next weekend!

   I hope the HIVE is enjoying the summer. It is SO nice in Chapaqua, and the streets there do NOT smell like rotting food, the way midtown garbage cans do. DOUBEL FOOEY! But I do love the City, and must stay here, soon on the WEST SIDE, b/c I must continue to work until I find a guy who will buy us a house in Chapaqua. Dad told me that he intend’s to be my room-mate while he teaches a course at Colombia University graduate school, b/c he does NOT want to comute from Long Island on the LIRR, then take a subway train up there. He will HAVE to do that b/c my apartement will NOT be ready this semester, and I do NOT want for him to be bunking with me on the UES. He does NOT like the UES either. That works for both of us. Myrna really does NOT want me to move, but what can I do? Dad controls the apartements and pays the morgage for me so I realy have no choice. I hope I can meet new freinds on the West Side, but it is so different there! Every time I go over to Trader Joe on the M72 bus, I feel like I am in a different world. Kind of like Brookelyn Heights or DUMBO; not Manhattan. But I guess I can live there b/c there is a deli and there is water on the Hudson River I will be abel to look out on from my new apartement! YAY!!!!

2. This jacket. Drool.

   1. Agreed. So gorgeous. Great pick!

      1. I always like Rebecca Taylor tweed blazers for doing that Chanel look in a more youthful/less costume-y way.

   2. I love the front, but for some reason the back is saying Romulan/Klingon to me … anyone else?

      1. Yes, I can totally see that

      2. This is a feature, not a bug.

         1. +1000.

            I’ve noticed a ton of tweed all over the place, even from Banana Republic. And they are all interesting with these kinds of details.

         2. Yes. Love the back!

      3. Not enough quilting to be Romulan and not enough metal to be Klingon.

         This is definitely more civilian-wear for human Starfleet personnel.

      4. Totally Klingon, totally awesome.

   3. This is pretty, but where would you look for a tweed jacket in a more traditional blazer style — lapels, one or two buttons, etc? Kind of the unkempt professor look? (I am in fact an unkempt professor.)

      1. Boden has their British tweed jackets every year.

      2. I second the Boden recommendation. I have their tweed jacket, and I love it. It does run a little boxy in the waist, but I love wearing it. They have a few options out now, but they’ll stock new styles soon too.

         I’ve also had luck at LL Bean, although it looks like they haven’t put out their fall offerings yet.

         I’ve also had good luck with vintage sellers on Etsy too. When I lived in Vermont, I got such great use out of all my tweed jackets.

      3. Thanks for the recs! The Boden style is perfect, although I would be glad of more color options, so if anyone has seen similar things from other brands, tell me more :) I will check back later in the season, too.

         1. Austin Reed? I have a couple of their jackets, one in a small houndstooth and the other a plaid.

3. (Cross posting on moms site)

   Any recommendations for a Boston-area obgyn (individual doc and/or practice)? Strong preference for Cambridge/Boston/Somerville.

   Recently moved to the area and newly TTC so need a well visit soon-ish plus (hopefully) teeing up a good OB practice.

   1. Dr. Holly Khachadoorian, Vincent OB/GYN at MGH. She’s amazing, and the overall practice is excellent. I had TTC issues and she was extraordinary proactive.

      1. I went to college with her! I’m not a patient but she is an incredibly smart, warm, caring, and generous person. I am positive you can’t go wrong with her. (And I say that as someone who was basically just an acquaintance – she was a couple of years ahead of me.)

      2. She was my OB for both of my pregnancies! I love her so much and can’t recommend her enough (and MGH is great as well). I opted for a VBAC for my second and she was very very supportive and encouraging, and I was ultimately able to have one.

         1. Ha that’s too funny!! She was 100% the reason I didn’t have to wait an additional 9 months before being referred to the fertility clinic at MGH. She threw out the book, trusted my gut which was telling me something was wrong/waiting 12 months wasn’t going to do anything but waste time, and got right to it. She just totally got it and got me and I think the WORLD of her.

   2. The Center for Women at Mt. Auburn hospital is pretty good, but you’ll want to do research on the OB side since that didn’t apply to me.

   3. I had Dr. Laura Riley at MGH – she is AMAZING but I was high risk, so not sure you need that? Dr. Erin Tracy in the same practice delivered my second and had a really nice bedside manner.

   4. I was a fan of Harvard Vanguard in Somerville/Cambridge for years. Never had waits, could go to different locations to see certain docs faster or if it was more convenient, and liked having everything in one building (bloodwork, ultrasounds, pharmacy, eventually pediatrics, etc.).

      1. I also used Harvard Vanguard – the Copley location as it was close to work. I like that they keep your record on file and you can switch to the different locations and they still have your medical history. My OB was fine, midwife was great! Location and convenience were key for me, but I didn’t have any complicating factors. I use HV for all other medical visits as well, which again is nice because they have my medical history all on file.

      2. Oh this is great to know. I live in Davis and i’ve been here for a few non-obgyn things (bronchitis, urgent care etc) and had great experiences. I may just give this a try!

         1. Welcome to Davis! It’s a great area!

      3. Different perspective here…I just quit using HV recently. It was nice that they had all my medical info on file, but I basically never saw the same doctor more than once. Their turnover seems pretty high (I would assign a PCP and they would leave after one visit). I had trouble getting urgent appointments unless I went to a nurse practitioner. For specialties, they were often pretty behind their schedules, so I’d waste 20 minutes in the waiting room. After all of that, the supposed “convenience” factor just wasn’t enough.

   5. Dr. Trevin Lau, Vincent OB/GYN at MGH. I’ve been seeing her for both GYN checks and OB for the past 7 years. She’s really nice and never makes you feel rushed.

      I also appreciate that she ‘stays in her lane’ – when I was having TTC issues for 6 months, she recommended shifting that goal to a reproductive endocrinologist at the hosptial (same building). The MGH Fertility Center is really excellent (hope you don’t have to go that route, but it’s good to know in case). In the years since, I’ve heard of a lot of friends losing biological clock time because their OB wanted to try too many options that just weren’t appropriate for their ovarian reserve/AMH levels.

      Good luck and welcome to Boston!

   6. i’m a fan of mimi yum – Boston ob/gyn – she delivers at BIDMC. she delivered my daughter and also cares for a lot of my friends. i live in somerville too but work over in longwood so easier for me. if you’re not already on some of the fb groups for somerville parents, worth getting on them… lots of info on there.

4. Do I need to send a gift to a couple for an engagement party I can’t attend? Background: I’m friends with the couple, but not super close and I was somewhat surprised to be invited to the engagement party. I live on the other side of the country from the couple and the engagement party is in their city, so I won’t be attending. They attended my wedding a couple of years ago, which required a pretty good deal of expense (plane flights, hotel and rental car) for them, but they weren’t close enough to be invited to showers or other pre-wedding events. Unfortunately I can’t attend their wedding (it’s in an area with Zika and I’m pregnant and due soon after their wedding) but I certainly plan to send a nice wedding gift. I’d prefer not to to do an engagement gift on top of that (I didn’t even get my best friend a real engagement gift) but I will if it’s socially required.

   1. Nope. Send a card congratulating them on the engagement and call it a day.

   2. You don’t have to send a separate engagement gift. I would send an enthusiastic congratulations, probably with a card or at least a personal email. And in this situation, where they traveled to your wedding and you can’t travel to theirs, I’d probably send a wedding gift that cost a little more than what’s customary for me (but not necessarily the cost of a separate engagement gift).

   3. I don’t think it’s required, but personally I would send a gift because you’re not going to be traveling to their wedding even though they traveled to yours. I doubt the cost of an extra engagement gift will be as high as the cost of travel and accommodation for the wedding.

      1. It’s not quite analogous since my wedding was in the US (albeit in my hard-to-reach hometown) and theirs in the bride’s home country halfway around the world. I do plan to give a larger weddding gift than I would normally give (and larger than they gave me, fwiw).

5. PSA – I got a mailer from BetaBrand with a code for 50% off. So check your emails if that’s something you’re into.

6. Need weight loss/eating help.

   Over the last four years, I’ve gained about 10 pounds. It crept up on me over time, and then suddenly I was like, hey, I feel like I’m bursting out of all my clothes. I still exercise 5-6 days a week, doing a mix of spinning, running, weights, yoga, and tabata high impact stuff. I’m still in pretty good shape, but I feel like all my muscles are covered in a layer of fat!

   To make matters a little more annoying, I gain in my belly, hips and butt, so one bad day of eating and I look four months pregnant. Clothes start pulling right away and I stop feeling comfortable in skirts and dresses. It’s not really a matter of sizing up because my top half basically stays the same size. I just end up hiding in oversized cardigans and flowy tops so my problem areas are covered.

   So I have been tracking everything I eat for the last 100 days. No huge revelations, honestly. I haven’t gained anything more, but I haven’t lost more than one pound. My daily calorie goal is 1640, but I do eat back my exercise calories… because I get hungry! Is the answer to just be hungry more often?

   A typical day for me starts out great with a breakfast of either a spinach feta omelette or Greek yogurt and berries. I stay full until 1 or 1:30 on that. Lunch is a chicken hummus salad or sandwich. Then around 4:30, i lose all control and eat tons of snacks. Healthy snacks like almonds, Lara bars, or way better chips, but still snacks. Then I go work out. I get home and I’m starving. I live alone and the last thing i want to do is start cooking at 7:30 when I get home, so I tend to default to TJ’s “healthy” stuff like the veggie burritos or fish or chicken plus their wild rice medley and vegetables– anything I can heat and eat fast. Then I crave dessert. I keep no dessert foods in my house except chocolate chips in the freezer for baking… so you guessed it, I start eating those with a spoonful of peanut butter. Then it’s all downhill. This doesn’t happen every day, but it’s often enough that it’s a noticeable pattern. I want to fix it. Any suggestions or tips would be greatly appreciated!

   1. You’re probably not tracking everything you eat. No one accurately tracks “peanut butter on a spoon and chocolate chips from the freezer” and that stuff adds up quickly.

      My tip is eat more for breakfast and lunch if you’re starving, plan a sensible snack, and do better at dinner. Cook ahead on a weekend.

      Also Weight Watchers. You’re already doing the work of recording everything it just gives you a framework for good choices.

      1. Snacks derail me too, especially when I want to fuel my more intense workouts. Maybe try tracking your calories on MyFitnessPal. I lost my college 15lbs doing that, and my clothes feel too snug I start counting again. It’s amazing how much snacks add up, one day recently my snacks were 1,000 of my daily calories!

   2. Have you considered that if you’re working out that much, you’ve gained weight in muscle?

   3. If you’re snacking uncontrollably at 4:30, I’d consider that a sign that you should eat more earlier. I’d add something that’s got healthy fats, fiber, and/or protein to your lunch – maybe almonds or avocado? If you think that’d make you too full, maybe schedule in a snack around 3:30 or 4, before the 4:30 munchies hit. Finally, if you want to cook dinner, you could have a post-gym snack on your way home, or just plan those healthy quick meals in advance. I eat really quick meals all the time, but because I know that I like to do that, I have things I can throw together quickly to make a healthy meal – pre-cut cauliflower rice, pre-cut veggies, cooked chicken, salsa; scrambled eggs with veggies; healthy freezer meals.
      As for dessert, maybe find something you can keep in the house that will fill the craving, but that you won’t eat a million of. Larabar bites do this for me when I’m craving chocolate – I can eat 2 and be done, whereas if you give me a plate of cookies, I want them all. (You might also find that addressing the snacks issue above makes your dessert cravings less intense.)
      Finally, remember that if you do snack uncontrollably one day, you didn’t ruin everything! Don’t fall into the trap of giving up and eating less healthily the rest of the day because your eating wasn’t perfect. Be kind to yourself, listen to your body, and enjoy what you’re eating, whatever that is. :)

   4. Weight Watchers disciple chiming in. The beautiful thing about WW is that you’re allowed to eat unlimited fruits and vegetables, so you’re never, ever hungry. Not all calories are equal, and WW does a great job showing you that.

      1. +500 to not all calories are equal – I am a huge fan of those TJs frozen meals you mention, among others, but learned VERY quickly through WW that some that I thought were really healthy were in fact terrible for me.

      2. Recently started WW after feeling exactly what the OP described – always puffy, clothes pulling, even though I was eating relatively healthily.

         In less than a week the puffiness went away. Clearly something that I was mindlessly eating (protein bars? Toast?) was bloating me up and as soon as I increased my fruit and veggies it just disappeared. I still have a lot of weight to lose but I was amazed at how quickly I felt like my stomach shrank an inch or more.

   5. Agree on front loading the calories. If you’re losing control you are probably either famished or eating for emotional reasons. If it’s the former that would help. Also, the only thing that helps me lose weight is focusing on losing weight. Which means I cool it on the exercise. I stick to walking, easy yoga so I’m not dealing with a huge calorie deficit on certain days. This way my calories are consistent every day and there’s no justifying splurges with a crazy sweat session. Good luck!

      1. Another option is to back-load your calories intermittent-fasting style. I find I can muscle through to lunch on just coffee and lots of ice water. 1600 calories goes a lot further between noon and 8 pm than 7 am and 8 pm!

         1. Yup, this is what works for me.

      2. Another possibility is to move your exercise from evening to morning — that way, when you get ravenous it’s early in the day (when you should be eating a higher proportion of your calories, and when there’s more willpower to make sure you’re eating “good” calories) and you won’t be tempted to cheat in the evenings.

   6. budget a decent sized afternoon snack. You’re eating snack foods but a mini-meal like a salad (chopped tomatoes/cucumber/chicken) with minimal if any dressing would fill you up more.

      I’ve been stuck at about 10lbs more than I would like to be. But as we age we require fewer calories to maintain weight and I like eating too much to care about the last 10 lbs. Basically I can’t eat like I used to in my twenties and maintain my weight. I think it’s pretty common.

   7. You could try eating more protein to keep you full a little longer. I’d eat more protein for breakfast and lunch, especially. My trainer gave me a goal of 120 grams of protein per day, and that really really keeps me full. I often supplement with protein shakes, which I like.

      I also don’t see a huge problem with something like frozen fish or chicken with frozen vegetables for an easy dinner.

      Also, one dessert that I really like is a baked apple. I core the apple and cut it into slices then put a little brown sugar and cinnamon on it, wrap it in foil, and bake it at 350 for about 15 mins (until it’s a little soft and the sugar is melted). Or I keep dark chocolate or truffles and eat 1-2 after dinner. I understand if that won’t work for you, but having just one and telling myself that the rest is there and I’ll get some more soon works for me.

   8. Starting with the disclaimer, I’m not a nutritionist.

      It sounds like you’re getting hungry in the afternoon and not properly fueling pre-workout, which is leading to all kinds of shortcuts and munchies in the evening. Can you incorporate more protein and carbs into your afternoon snack? Things like a hard boiled egg, carrots and hummus, or a cup of oatmeal and some banana? These keep me way more full than almonds or a Lara bar do, so I’m not ravenous once I get home from the gym. Also, +1 to meal prepping on the weekends so that you have a easy to re-heat or assemble option when you get home from the gym. Cook up some protein, a grain, and roast a bunch of veggies. Takes just as long to warm up as the pre-made TJs entrees, but has less sodium and you can bulk it up with more protein to keep you full longer.

   9. Random thoughts:
      1) don’t have chocolate in your house. but have something you feel comfortable snacking on and keep that around.

      2) Do some meal prep so you have a meal in your house for dinners that you feel better about

      3) Eat a bigger lunch!

      4) Mix up what you are eating – try different foods because obviously those are filling you up.

      5) How much water are you drinking? Sometimes when you are hungry for snacks you actually really are dehydrated.

   10. I find that if I eat a mid-afternoon apple, I am much less likely to binge on random junk after dinner. I think it’s the fiber.

   11. As I’ve gotten older, I have to watch carbs more than calories in order to manage weight. That’s my body though and everyone processes things differently.

       1. +100. I hit 40 this year and realized that while I love carbs, they do not love me. The fewer I consume, the easier it is to stay in the same size clothes. I went back to an old friend, the South Beach Diet, recently, for recipe ideas and it’s working. I could not, for example, eat unlimited fruit and not gain weight (as much as I want to; I love fruit). I can, apparently, eat unlimited eggs and not gain. Everyone’s mileage is different here.

          The other thing that I always have to keep an eye on is portion control. I recently bought a couple of Rubbermaid Balance Meal Kits I found at Marshall’s – it’s a flat box with four small containers to measure correct portions. The kits come with a great little recipe book. That’s been helping me recalibrate my portion sizes and know when I’m eating too much of something.

   12. Eat food instead of snacks. If you’re hungry at 4:30, eat a small meal instead of a snack. Lara bars, chips, peanut butter, chocolate chips, etc are not filling; those are entertainment foods instead of actual foods you eat to feel full. Microwaving a burrito from trader joe’s or whatever is probably more filling and less calories than all those snacks. And if all those snacks add up to your break even calorie number, then you’re not eating enough because if you were, you wouldn’t feel compelled to snack.

   13. Eat more vegetables! You’re getting to dinner with maybe 1 serving – veggies have fiber and volume and will help keep you full and away from the snacks.

       1. I agree. More veggies. Make some interesting, easy salads ahead on the weekend – lentil salad, garbanzo bean salad with tzatziki dressing, quinoa salad with black beans – something filling and yummy yet packed with nutrients. Then eat those for dinner instead of what you’re having now. At least some nights of the week.

          Also, when I find I’m feeling unsatisfied, sometimes all I need is a nice cup of tea. Get some fancy teas to treat yourself. Have a calming ritual where you sit down and enjoy it and leaf through a magazine or stare out the window. Sometimes we reach for food when we’re unsatisfied, but other things can also be just as satisfying if we let ourselves calm down and experience it.

   14. Not sure what you are using to track or how careful you are with it, but I unfortunately need to cut my calories a little more than MyFitnessPal thinks to loose weight. It sucks. I’m 40, and for me to loose weight I really can’t afford to waste any calories. Bu I also found that when I actually tried eating less calories I wasn’t too hungry (I assumed I would be starving). Things that help me:

       front loading calories – i exercise in the AM, so that is probably part of why I am so hungry in the morning, but I often eat 50% of my daily calories before lunch. I have a big breakfast and big morning snack, then smaller lunch and dinner. I look for main dishes for lunch and dinner that are lower calorie – 250-300 cal for me – and higher protein – and have that with some microwaved frozen vegetables

       Cook 1 or 2 times a week and eat leftovers all week – individually portion everything and freeze if necessary. Skinnytaste.com has great recipes.

       Watch carbs – focus on higher protein snacks, and some with fat too.

       For dessert, 1 square of dark chocolate (from a Lindt bar), or one of the individually wrapped Ghiradhelli squares. Even half a square is enough sometimes. Skip the PB – even 1 tablespoon is 100 calories. Pre-measured, portion controlled treats are your friend.

   15. What kind of workouts are you doing? Before I had my kids I was doing bootcamp and other high intensity training 5 days per week. Once I had my twins I started walking A LOT because it soothed them when they were babies. We probably walked 5 miles a day around the neighborhood. Now they’re two and heavy and I push them to the park. I do weight training a couple days a week now but not nearly as much high intensity cardio. I’m am in no where the same cardio shape as I was before babies but I weigh 7 pounds less and my body fat went from 23% before babies to 20% after and all my old clothes fit. The only major change being lots of walking. I always read that low intensity cardio was the way to burn fat but honestly I never really believed it, it’s too easy! But I believe it now. Give it a try.

       1. My BF % is at the lowest it has ever been (18%), surprisingly after two pregnancies. The following things helped me lose fat and keep it off:

          1. Majorly curtailed the wine. I used to drink daily and now I have maybe two glasses a month. I switched to drinking herbal tea in the evening.
          2. Much higher protein diet (I personally like the plans by Gauge Girl Training.) Pre-babies, I used to run half and full marathons. Now that I don’t need all those carbs for fuel, I feel way more energetic sticking to mostly protein, veggies and fats. Also, eating this way suppresses my appetite overall and cravings for chocolate or sweets.
          3. I adjusted my thyroid medicine. I have hypothyroidism and I feel better with my TSH closer to 1.
          4. I lift heavy (i.e. I do mostly free weights, heavy enough that I can only do 6-8 reps per set.) I don’t do nearly as much cardio anymore. I also make sure to drink a protein shake after lifting. I used to think it was just a gimmick, but it really makes a difference in terms of soreness.
          5. I also don’t eat in restaurants hardly at all anymore. Not only is it easier to track what I’m eating by making my own food, but taking three kids under three to a restaurant makes me want to shoot myself.
          6. I eat most of my food at work, frankly because it’s the only place that I can eat in peace. I then end up consuming most of my calories before 4:00 PM.

          Since our children are so small, I don’t have much of a social life involving the temptations of alcohol and restaurant food, so it hasn’t been terribly difficult to lose weight and keep it off. Of all the things I listed, though, the higher protein diet was the real game changer for me. People used to say things to me like “You’re pretty, but you need to lose 20 lbs” and now I can see my abs and people have described me as “ripped.” Ha, unbelievable.

          1. Congratulations and thank you for sharing this. It is very encouraging to hear.

          2. “I eat most of my food at work, frankly because it’s the only place that I can eat in peace”
             Bwahahaha yes! I occasionally venture out to lunch near work and read a book and it is SO beautiful!

   16. Are you weighing all that food you track? Even volume measurements can vary wildly.

       And yeah, “be hungry” is the answer a lot of the time, sadly. It’s not forever.

   17. “One bad day of eating” shouldn’t make you look 4mo pregnant overnight? Consider whether bloating/water retention is part of this pattern. I know you’ve tried food tracking, but you might want to try an elimination diet (some people enjoy Whole30’s approach to elimination diets).

   18. Have tea at 4:30. It’s teatime. Pretend you’re British! And have a biscuit or two with your tea. The combination of these two things (no sugar in tea but plenty of milk) keeps me going until dinner without having to resort to a ton of unhealthy snacks (yes I know biscuits are not that healthy but I limit to one or two).

       1. Also I second the advice to eat more for breakfast and lunch. Make lunch the biggest meal of your day, since it has to last you 6 to 7 hours!

   19. I actually question the front-loading of the calories advice, but this is highly individual. I totally “back-load” mine, but I prefer eating that way and a huge dinner is my favorite. You have to know yourself, and eat according to what *your* body and main prefer. (AKA, I hate breakfast, and the idea of front-loading my food makes me feel ill.)

       My big advice to you is to eat more vegetables and grains and nuts during the day. Think eating your usual food, but then adding more vegetables to that. For breakfast, I would not eat fruit and yogurt but savory foods; your eggs sound great, just add more vegetables and, if you don’t include it, add some bread so it’s properly filling. (No, bread is not “empty calories” and is not “bad” to eat, unless you have a disease requiring you to not eat it.) Your lunch sounds great, just expand it and include those almonds you’d eat at 4:30 with lunch. (I hate the sad, sad myth of eating multiple mini meals a day for weight-loss. This is such bad advice.) For dinner, have you considered eating what’s both healthy and what you also enjoy, and eat until you are fully satisfied. Again, vegetables FTW. I think you should just add a reasonable dessert after dinner every night, too. If you feel satisfied, you are much more likely to lose weight and maintain said weight loss in the long run.

7. I live about an hour from a family member, and we usually spend one weekend a month together. In the evenings, we like to unwind with a few episodes of TV, but we need a new show! Preferably one available on Netflix or Amazon Instant Video, but Hulu is okay too.
   We liked: Criminal Minds, Law & Order SVU, The Good Wife, Rizzoli & Isles, The Good Fight
   We didn’t like: Secrets and Lies, NCIS, House of Cards season 3 (liked the first 2 seasons), Bones (we liked it fine at first, but Temperance grated on us), Psych
   We liked Scandal, but it was too complex to wait a month between episodes and still remember what was going on. Something more episodic (like Law & Order) or less twisty is better.
   I’ve also already seen How to Get Away with Murder (like), Designated Survivor (like), and Quantico (got tired of).
   No political shows please – we’d rather dissociate from current events.
   Thank you in advance for any recs!

   1. Try some BBC procedurals! Endeavour and Inspector Lewis are two of the best.

      1. Inspector Lewis is one of my all-time favorites.

      2. I also love Inspector Lewis!

         1. Love Lewis too and Foyle

   2. There are tons of good British crime dramas you may like. Luther, The Fall, Broadchurch, Top of the Lake, Peaky Blinders, and obviously Sherlock.

      1. +1 Luther. Very dark and totally gripping.

         MI6 / Spooks is also excellent.

      2. Another vote for Broadchurch and Peaky Blinders! They are awesome.

         1. True this is not episodic, but it does a good job recapping before each episode.

      3. Most of these are not episodic, though. Sherlock would work.

      4. I have tween kids and couldn’t finish Broadchurch; I started having nightmares. It’s about the murder of an 11-year-old boy and my kids are that age. Couldn’t do it.

         Luther is great though.

   3. It’s not real politics, so maybe Veep? It’s pure fluff and I adore it (and I hate politics). Otherwise, Silicon Valley or the HBO Ladies Detective Agency series.

      1. She specifically said no politics. Veep is 100% politics!

         1. Eh, I think it’s like HOC in that it has a political backdrop but it’s not a show about actual politics. Plus, the clothes of JLD in it are amazing.

      2. Yeah, Veep counts as politics in my book, sorry! Even if it’s fluff, the topic is still politics…

      3. Yeah, I love Veep but at this point it’s basically (in the words of JLD) “a sobering documentary” rather than fiction.

   4. Do you like period dramas? Downton Abbey, Doctor Thorne, Call the Midwife that sort of thing? BBC has a ton of great ones. Also second finding the British crime dramas. I just signed up for Acorn TV, which is an Amazon channel that has a ton of great British shows. And some Australian ones as well; hubby and I are currently binging on one called Janet Evans.

   5. Depending on the ages of the people involved, would Younger work? Fun, light?

      Canada’s Worst Driver was also strangely addictive to this ‘rette and her DH….

      1. I am mid-40s and usually watch gritty dramas, but Younger is must-see TV for me. It’s fun but not entirely vacuous and these days, esp., I need a little mental relief and light entertainment.

   6. The Crown or Outlander

      1. + 100 million to both of these. Outlander Season 3 starts in Sept!

   7. Amazon: The Man in the High Castle, The Americans. We jsut started Z:the beginning of everything (about Zelda Fitzgerald- sets and costumes are lovely, not sure about the overdone accents).

      1. I’d have to veto the suggestions for Russian spies and Nazis based on the current political climate.

         1. +1 The first episode of The Man in the High Castle set off my anxiety in a bad way, and that was 2 years ago before Nazis marching in the street was acceptable by some in polite society.

            1. Agreed. Plus Man in the High Castle is very difficult to keep up with if you’re waiting a long time between episodes (this is something I know from experience).

               The imagery of Nazi symbols and flags all over the place in the U.S. really disturbed me more than I anticipated.

   8. White Collar or Suits might work for you

      1. Oh, or Royal Pains. Fun show.

         1. + 1 to Royal Pains. And White Collar. Leverage, if you haven’t watched it (on Netflix).

            Suits made me anxious and super annoyed at everyone.

            1. Love Leverage! Lighthearted, fun show about con artists.

      2. SUITS! Yes

         1. Suiiiiiiiiits. I love that show, no matter how bad it gets.

      3. I loved White Collar (how does Tiffani Amber Thiessen still have such amazing hair? So jealous) and Leverage. Both fun shows.

   9. Thanks for all the recs so far! To answer one question that came up in a few recs, we are not huge fans of period dramas.

      We watched 2-3 episodes of The Americans and didn’t really get into it, but maybe we need to give it a little more time.

   10. On Netflix, Hawaii Five O – action-y/cop show, some recurring story lines, but mostly mindless so it’s not complicated or intricate.

   11. Death in Paradise! Basically a British police procedural, but it’s set in the Caribbean, and the background is so beautiful that my family has planned a vacation to Guadeloupe this winter (where it’s filmed) in large part because of watching the show.

       Also Lie to Me, Shetland, Hinterland, Hawaii Five-O, Grantchester (though it’s set in the 50s), and White Collar.

   12. I loved Sherlock (the UK version), Breaking Bad, Mad Men, old re-runs of Law&Order, CSI las Vegas, CSI NY.
       Now on my playlist: Elementary (US Sherlock). Once that is done, I plan to move to Narcos.
       I do not suffer from anxiety, but watching Man in the Highcastle sparked a lot of negative & sad emotions in me – I live in Europe, in a city which was directly impacted by the war and the history breaths from old buildings and plaquettes etc.
       Note, I also love Midsommer Murders and old reruns of Colombo, so take my recos with caution :)

   13. Covert Affairs or House of Lies- both are on Amazon

   14. Ozark on Netflix.

       Sneaky Pete on Amazon.

       I forget if one of those has access to HBO, but Big Little Lies.

   15. I love Miss Fisher, which is on Netflix. It is set in the 20s in Australia but mainly it’s about a fun, smart, independently wealthy woman who entertains herself by helping solve murders. And it’s witty, feminist, and doesn’t involve complicated plots that you’ll have a hard time remembering with month long breaks between episodes.

       Other suggestions:
       Veronica Mars (I think it’s still on Amazon)
       The Fall (stars Gillian Anderson)
       Happy Valley (less of a procedural, but still a very well done show with excellent characters)
       The Good Place (not a procedural at all, but it’s nonpolitical and is just a good, interesting, fun show)

       1. +1 Miss Fisher!

   16. Longmire or Shetland on Netflix.

       Also, not instant, but if you have time to go your local library, Grantchester is great.

       1. If you’re a member of your local PBS station, you get PBS Passport, which is instant viewing of most shows. Not all of them are accessible all the time (there are only three seasons of Inspector Lewis instead of all 8, for example), but it’s a great way to see every episode of Grantchester, The Tunnel, and a lot of other great shows.

   17. Sherlock and all the permutations

8. Has anyone ever tried Noom for weightloss? I hit 40 and have been packing on the pounds, and I basically don’t recognize myself in the mirror any more. Need to do something more structured, because on my own it’s obviously not working (and I can’t afford to keep replacing all my pants).

   1. I tried it, and the interface was good. Didn’t spring for the coaching bit (this was about 1.5 yrs ago, no idea what they’re offering).

      I did not stick with it because, SURPRISE!, I can’t stick with most diet/weight loss plans aside from tech-free tracking what I eat when I need to, making sure I move, and weighing myself/watching how clothes fit. I wish I could!

      1. (basically, I’m endorsing it if you’re someone who likes these tracking/monitoring things, and sticks with them. I am not, so it wasn’t great for me, but that’s on me. You can do this!)

      2. I tried Noom and wasn’t a big fan. I was drawn to it because the idea of having a coach available and accountability/support of a group was initially intriguing but I ultimately discovered that those things (at least as Noom presented them) just weren’t for me. I tried it during an insanely crazy period of time in my life (working long hours and fielding lots of emails) so YMMV, but having to check in with answers to questions the coaches would pose each week became annoying. I also found that their food tracking database just wasn’t as good as MyFitnessPal and even WW. Ultimately I dropped it and went back to using MyFitnessPal.

         One other thing that I found slightly annoying is that my assigned coach left after a few weeks and I was assigned a new coach. It was frustrating to have to revisit the same intros, questions, goal setting again in the process. I’m not sure if that is a common situation or whether this was unique.

   2. I’ve had success with Rise coaching and would highly recommend it. Haven’t specifically tried Noom but I think it’s a similar idea.

   3. Following to see people’s recommendations.

      I just gotta say, this turning-40-weight-gain thing is the worst. The. Worst. People had warned me about how fast it comes on but I was not prepared. I have always struggled with my weight anyway and now what I used to do to lose, I’m having to do just to maintain. Under-40s, enjoy your faster metabolisms while you still can!

      1. This is such a bummer. I noticed the pounds creeping on fast around age 33-34, and now at 37, am finally getting a handle on my weight. My new “happy weight” is still a good 10 lbs. higher than it was at age 30-32, and it wouldn’t take much to push me firmly into the overweight category.

      2. SO TRUE! This has been my problem; what used to work to lose weight now just holds the line. I’m afraid that if I don’t want to end up looking like all the female members of my family (think wh*skey barrel with legs) I’m going to be hangry for the rest of my life.

9. Has anyone here done the Whole Life Challenge, and is anyone interested in joining a Corpore**e team if I set one up? It starts on Sept 16, for 8 weeks.

   1. I know people have done them previously. I’d be interested in hearing feedback as well!

   2. I haven’t done this but it looks great! I’d be interested in hearing feedback and potentially joining a team!

   3. I might be interested in this. I hadn’t heard of it before. If enough people are into it I’d also consider joining.

   4. Yes. I did this about a year ago with this s i t e. It was good because although i wasn’t perfect, it was on my mind and I was getting daily reminders to change up my routine and be better to myself (not just with food–some of the challenges are lifestyle or mind-body). Recommend and will probably join again. Post the name of the group if you do it, so we can join! At less than a dollar a day, I thought it was fun.

      Also, the Whole Life Challenge has different levels of diet, so you try to be “more healthy” “very healthy” or “totally revamping what you can and cannot eat.” I like that!

   5. Yes, I’ve done it before and I’m signed up again for this one!

   6. I want to look into it a bit more but am a tentative yes.

   7. Very interested.

   8. I haven’t done it before, but it looks good and I’d be interested in joining the team.

   9. Yeah, I might be down.

   10. Interested.

       I wish it offered a scary person with an air horn who chased me around and blew the horn when I ate junk food or mindlessly surfed the internet!

10. My main question is – Should I splurge on the Bean Boots (the ones with laces, 6″)? I know they’ll last awhile and pretty much never go out of style. Does anyone have other recommendations? Warmth/lining is not a concern – I live in the SE U.S. and walk several blocks to my office – and it rains a lot. I could probably get the Sorel version for less but haven’t heard firsthand reviews. Thanks!

    1. No. I kept hearing about how “great” their traction is, etc. Maybe it’s great in a muddy field, but on sidewalk metal grates and office lobbies, it is HORRIBLY slippery, I have to walk gingerly, and my Hunters do a way better job.

    2. Yes, you will have them for 15+ years. Cost-per-wear will be minimal. LL Bean has lifetime warranty on their stuff, so they will fix if you spring a leak.

    3. I live in the upper southeast and have the 8″ unlined version. The best thing about them is that they come in a narrow width–there are no other duck boots available that don’t slide right off my heels. They stay dry in the rain and are pretty comfortable to walk in, but they do rub a bit at the ankle. They are useless in the snow. The cold comes right through the rubber, and the treads are very slippery on ice. They run very large–I am between a 7.5 and an 8 and bought a 7.

    4. Those are snow boots. You do not need them in the SE US. Get Hunters or Joules

       1. They are NOT snow boots. The sole is specifically made for stomping through wet leaves and forests, and it does just fine on wet pavement. It’s not made for ice and snow- you will be sliding. I’m in Chicago and wear bean boots in the rain and wear sorels in the snow.

          1. This is true. I lived on the Canadian border for a few years – Bean boots were my spring/fall mud boots. The unlined ones are not warm enough in the winter, and even the lined ones don’t have the right traction for ice.

             Now I’m in the mid-Atlantic and wear them through the winter, except for the three days a year that we get actual snow.

          2. Boston, here. They get me through a lot of the winter, but when the real snow falls no way. Slushy, 5-days-post-snow, they work, but they are not ‘snow boots’. Their traction is good but only so good when the treads get packed with slushy nastiness. PS: I still ADORE them.

       2. I live in the SE US and I have the shearling lined bean boots! I love them even if it only snows twice a year here.

          1. Y’all are such wusses.

             1. Bless your heart! :)

       3. I have them in DC and found them to be uncomfortably warm for wearing in the high 20s/low 30s.

    5. I don’t have the bean boots but got the Sperry version and love them!

    6. After years of tying to figure this out, I’d recommend the short hunters with a heel. I’ve tried all the rain boots and hate the ones that lace up because I can’t easily change once I’m inside. I think they’re cute, but they’re more “weekend at the farmers market/outside in the country” than commuter shoes. I like the shorter rain boots because they work under pants and with skirts, and I like the heel for keeping my pant hems drier.

    7. I found Bean Boots incredibly uncomfortable. They put a lot of pressure on my tendon and were painful after a short amount of time.

11. I’m having an issue with a parent who’s a long-term guest in my house. I have always been very close to this parent and I really enjoy their company. They routinely come for long stays, and we both have historically very much enjoyed this and gotten along. Various things have complicated this recently- I got a dog, bought a house, basically I have things that are just mine that I’m very personally invested in having the way I want them. Parent and I are of different persuasions of things that didn’t matter so much before but now do, and they have a hard time following the (minimal) household rules that I’ve set. I try to limit these “rules” to things that would either damage my house or otherwise would be a problem for my dog (who has anxiety issues and generally needs a lot of structure and discipline. Parent is so well meaning and wants nothing more than to help me and make things easy for me, but is also very impulsive and careless so seems to have a great deal of trouble just not doing a few things. We have talked about this many times and parent always seems to understand the issue and want to make it better, and I believe they try.

    I think the answer here is that we’ve been trying to defy nature by having this kind of relationship at my age, so I think it means the extended visits need to stop. But for various reasons, I’m stuck with this situation until a particular date in the not near future. What do I do? Always having to replace things/fix things around the house and otherwise keeping a watchful eye on things to make sure nothing really significant gets damaged is exhausting and I have a demanding job and just can’t have this level of disruption in my life. We have talked about it, and I’m seriously wondering whether they even have the ability to change/control just a couple of behaviors. Any advice?

    1. Can you put the dog in doggy daycare during the day until your mom or dad leaves?

    2. “I think the extended visits need to stop.” Yep. Unfortunately, until then, there’s nothing you can do but grin and bear it. Sometimes it’s hard to see parents as fully formed adults, but they are. However they are is however they’ve been for five, six, seven decades. They can’t/won’t change. In my case, there is absolutely nothing I can do to make my mother good with money – she’s 71 and has never been good with money – she’s not going to magically start now.

       Good luck getting through this. Eventually this visit will be over.

    3. To get good advice on this you need to provide a few examples because it’s hard to imagine the scenarios you mean.

       My MIL often comes for an annual month long visit. I have come to accept that things run more smoothly if I flex on some of the rules when she is here and just accept that she will be unhappy about certain ways I do things. So zero flex on safety rules like bike helmets and booster seats but if she wants to clean the downstairs bathroom more often then I would, I don’t take it as a statement on my cleaning skills – even if it might be intended that way. Or we eat more foods that she likes that I don’t necessarily like.

       TL; DR: If you want the visits to continue to go well, beyond safety issues, you need to think of your visitor as your roommate for the time that they are there and be as flexible as possible.

       1. Yeah. Is your parent damaging your property or creating an unsafe situation? Is your parent doing something wrong with the dog? I can’t really help you come up with suggestions without more.

          Personally, I think stopping extended visits is going to be damaging to your relationship with your parent. There can be a middle solution between “no more extended visits ever” and “parent is going to burn my house down.”

          1. I would really like to keep going with extended visits. I really enjoy parent’s company and we have a great relationship. If there’s a middle solution, I’d love to find it. I just don’t know what it is now and until then it just seems like I should stop them. I’m open to any and all ideas though.

             Not an unsafe situation, but untenable for me. See the dog pee situation below. Plus yes to property damage- deep scratches on wood floors from dragging things across them, have had to replace rugs pretty regularly, etc. None of this damage should be hard to avoid, but I outlined some things that we could do to avoid them and asked parent if they could do that. The response was “I’ll try.” I don’t get what’s so hard. Don’t drag heavy metal things across my wood floor! I just don’t even get why that situation would even be necessary, but if it is, I’m more than willing to take care of it for them.

             1. I’ve noticed a pattern in my family that feels similar. It’s not so much that they are set in their ways… it’s more like a pattern of thoughtless mistakes that are out of character and troublesome to others. I remember my mom interpreting this pattern as passive-aggressive in my grandma. Now I’m noticing my mom doing similar things. It feels strange because there’s no hostility or tension elsewhere in these relationships. But I find myself almost downplaying certain things because it seems like she’s more likely to do the unwanted thing if I make a big deal out of it. Pets definitely make things harder (I really need her not to let the indoor cat escape by leaving the front door open!). It doesn’t make sense to me to characterize this stuff as deliberate, but I do wonder what is going on. I don’t really have a solution either; I try to make more visits happen at her place, and I somehow never got around to making her a key to my new place.

             2. anon: There may be no hostility, but she doesn’t respect you. You’re letting her walk all over you, and she’s getting away with it because you’re not changing your response. What you allow will continue.

             3. Chiming in a bit late here, but I have a milder version of this. My mom comes to my house and treats it as her own. That would be fine if we treated our property the same.

                I have really nice pots and pans and she has wrecked two. She’s stained my marble counters. These are not mortal sins, but we have told her how to treat these things and it hasn’t stuck. So we put the nice pots and pans away when she’s here and we consider the countertops the price of the visit. I try to avoid having stain-y things in the house if possible.

                Lots of other examples but in my case, it’s not intentional but it’s just that she’s set in her ways and her ways are not my ways. It’s either the cost of the relationship or you can create boundaries and limit the visits. I’m not sure which is right for you.

    4. It’s really hard to give you advice without knowing what your parent is doing.

       1. I know, I apologize. One of the issues is that parent got a puppy (whom I adore) and seems generally averse to training him. We’ve been to some classes and they’ve been receptive, but they just can’t seem to actually enact anything the dog trainer is telling them to do. This is particularly an issue with housebreaking. Parent doesn’t mind if puppy pees on the floor/carpet. Parent may or may not get around to cleaning it up, and parent’s house smells like dog pee. I’m not willing to allow that on my carpet/wood floors, and parent can’t really understand what the big deal is. By now, puppy should be housebroken, but parent doesn’t really do the things necessary to teach puppy to go to the bathroom outside, and just seems to think that puppy can’t be trained. We’ve talked about this, and parent halfheartedly goes along with the changes I make (putting stuff down on the floors where puppy is until he’s housebroken) but won’t take steps to keep dog pee off the floors when I’m not there. I get that these things happen. I have dogs too- it’s the unwillingness to take steps to either housebreak the dog or protect the floors in the meantime that bugs me

          So that’s an example of something I’m not willing to compromise on. I try to let just about everything else go unless there’s some huge problem with it

          1. is it your dog or your parent’s dog?

             If your dog, try doggy daycare if you want the parent to visit. Or discontinue visits until dog is trained and get a doggy door so dog doesn’t get stuck if your parent forgets to let them out.

             If parent’s pet that comes to visit you, just disallow the pet from visiting. Parent will have to decide if they want to (1) not visit, (2) leave doggy with friend/in doggy daycare, or (3) train dog before next visit permitted.

             If their house smells like pee, they are highly unlikely to want to change and you may have to accept that. You will need to be blunt. “Your house smells like pee and I don’t want that to happen to my house so here are the new rules.”

             1. There are two dogs involved. The puppy who pees on the floor is parent’s dog. The other issue is that puppy likes to harass my dog (he’s a puppy, has a lot of energy and wants to play, I get that) but my dog has anxiety issues and it stresses him out. I can enforce some separation when I’m home, but when I’m not, parent thinks that my dog really enjoys playing and sends me videos of how cute the are.

                To the anonymous below, yeah, I’m having an issue with that. There isn’t anything this parent hasn’t done for me, we’ve always been very close, and parent really thinks they’re helping me out with things. I guess I’m just saying that parent just doesn’t see these things as not respecting space or being horribly inconsiderate, which it is. I think I’m coming to understand that parent just is that completely oblivious. You’re right though, and that’s why the visits have to stop. Just need to get through this one.

          2. Wow, that is so horribly inconsiderate. If they can’t respect your space and rules, they don’t get to stay with you.

          3. “You can’t visit with your dog since you refuse to train it. You’re welcome to come without the dog anytime.”

             Or since you’d rather keep the visits since parent and dog up for training classes and go with them, locally to you.

    5. What is the issue at hand?

       It is really sad to bomb an otherwise good relationship with a family member over things that are insignificant in the scheme of things. Especially, if your family member is as well meaning and is trying, as you say.

    6. For us, destroying the house was a dealbreaker. We stopped allowing MIL to visit us and went to visit her instead.

    7. You and parent have different values about how to care for a home. You’re not going to change parent’s values, which means you’re not going to change their behavior. They just don’t “see” the things you do and so it doesn’t occur to them to respond like you would, even if it seems really obvious to you (and most people). Nitpicking parent about stuff they think is dumb is damaging to your relationship, maybe just as much as putting them up in a hotel.

       The best you can do is avoidance. Get parent out of the house as much as possible during the day. Ban the puppy and if that’s not possible, put it in doggy daycare during the day. Get your dog out of the house if at all possible – can a friend take it until parent leaves? Hide your good cookware that can’t go in the dishwasher. Put tablecloths on your coffee table, end tables, etc. Put felt pads on the bottoms of chairs, etc. that might get dragged across the floor. You get the idea; parent-proof your house and accept that there’s still going to be some damage. This is a price of admission issue (sorry).

       1. Yeah, I agree with all of this. I’m sorry, OP. I think it really really sucks when a parent doesn’t respect your space or share the same values for how to care for a home.

          I do think you have to take a firmer stand with the puppy – either by refusing to allow the puppy to visit, insisting that the dog go to daycare, or paying for a trainer. Caveat that I think this will become a sore spot in your relationship with your parent. My grandmother wouldn’t go anywhere without her dog (even for a few hours. Brought her dog to my baby shower. But her dog was well trained). Calculate the total number of rugs that you’ve had to replace or the total dollar value that you’ve spent – really impress upon your parent that this is not sustainable for you and not how you want to live. Tell him or her that this is a dealbreaker for longer visits.

          And yes to the felt pads for all of your furniture.

12. I’ve always wanted to try a personal trainer. I’m hoping to do 1 session/week for a couple months. My goal would be to work out on my own after that. (It’s expensive to keep up long term.)

    Does this seem reasonable? For those who have one, is it worth it?

    Note: I used to do classes years ago, and I’m at a decent weight. I want to be stronger, more fit, learn what to do, and maybe lose a couple pounds.

    1. Absolutely!! I’ve done this several times at different points with different goals. A good trainer will help you understand your workouts so you can do it on your own when you’re not with them anymore.

    2. Once a week wont really do anything for weight-loss or strength gains, so as long as you go into it with the right expectations, looking to learn and knowing you need to supplement with your own workouts it seems like a good plan. The key things are to learn form and what combinations of exercises work for you then track weight/sets/reps to see progress.

       1. This is a good point. In the past, my trainers have either given me a workout to do without them, or I’ve written down the workout and done it a couple of times on my own.

    3. I’ve been doing the 1x/week thing with a trainer for about 3 months now, and it’s been totally worth it for me. With work demands, it’s hard to find the time and energy to plan a strength training routine that takes care of all my goals on my own. Trainer puts me through 1 hard hour-long strength workout each week, and then I do another 1-2 shorter sessions with similar moves from the last session on my own throughout the week. I’m hoping to keep up this pattern over the long term because it’s working for me, but I could see doing this for a few months and learning the ropes of strength work and what works for you before branching out and just doing it on your own.

    4. I used to have a trainer – I would see her once a week or once every other week, and she would write down exercises for me to do between sessions. It worked really well for me – the time that I had my trainer was my strongest.
       However, I switched to a different gym which has pretty strict (cash-grabby) rules about trainers, including a minimum 3x per week paid sessions. Each gym is different and some are more flexible than others. If your gym allows a frequency which fits your schedule, I say go for it!

    5. This could definitely work if you do another 2-3 sessions a week on your own. When I was a trainer, most people I worked with knew little to nothing about fitness and/or had a lot of misconceptions about exercise and diet. When you do hire a trainer, please try to be open-minded about what he/she is telling you even if it goes against what you think to be true. That is why you are hiring them. :)

    6. I have always been fit and active but I hated it. My trainer had me doing things like lifting all these very heavy weights, flailing my arms trying to wave big thick ropes around, stuff I just hated. It made me bulk up a bit and all my clothes were tight. The last straw was when I saw her with another client who was a 50 year old man and they were doing the same exact workout as I did with her. Now I still do weights and cardio on my own plus I discovered Lagree Megaformer which has totally changed my body. Now I feel strong but lean and sleek. If you do get a trainer be very clear about your goals up front. Don’t fit into their program. They should tailor a program to you.

13. Any advice for interviewing at a college for the third time? Not a 3rd interview, but called in to interview for now 3 separate jobs?

    I’m interviewing for office help/secretary positions, because I’m tired of my high stress, not great pay manufacturing project management gig. This is definitely a Lean Out Job. It’s a dream of mine to work at this small, private college–which is why I keep applying. The first position I felt like I was called in as the obligatory outside option. The second position I went back for a 2nd interview and felt like I was being seriously considered. Now I’m going in for a 3rd interview to assist project managers with college construction projects and operations–if I don’t get this I’m just straight up NEVER getting in and I’m writing it off forever. It should be a perfect fit for my skill set.

    3rd time. (And last time.) Any advice?

    1. Be honest; I work on a college campus, and too often people interview for the secretary positions just to get into the system, then bolt for higher paying jobs as soon as one comes along in another department. Makes senior people hesitant to hire more qualified/experienced candidates. So if you’re leaning out, be up front about it.

       1. +1

    2. No real advice, but I’ve been there. I have a job, but applied to company that husband works in maybe 4 times over the years? All were good fits for me and unrelated to husband’s role, a bunch of different hiring managers. (They can all see the previous hiring attempts and feedback in the system though.)

       I’d love to lunch with him and commute together, plus its a good stable company so I was desperate to get in. Twice I came close to getting an offer (even a phone “we are putting together an offer packet for you” before it fell through). After the fourth reject I have decided never again.

14. Wardrobe malfunction! Purchased a really cute top, wearing for the first time today. It’s a satiny (rayon? don’t know) material. It keeps sliding down in front. Way tooooo low in front. It’s tucked in, and I’ve been tucking it in more in back to keep the neckline decent, but it slides. Any way to fix permanently or temporarily before I flash the entire office?

    1. safety pin(s) or tiniest size of binder clips (the really teeny ones) if you don’t have a safety pin

    2. Can you tuck it into whatever you’re wearing underneath (slip, spanx, whatever)?

    3. Tuck the edge of the neck into your bra straps?

    4. Safety pin it to the back of your pants.

    5. I’d try double sided tape if you can find some.

    6. How about a binder clip at the nape of your neck to pull the neckline back (assuming you can cover with your hair or a sweater, blazer)?

    7. scotch tape. tape it to your bra strap on the inside.

15. I have heard amazing things about Biore’s watery essence moisturizer- can anyone direct me to a reputable/legit amazon seller?

    1. I’ve ordered from g-toos before and been happy.

    2. i would get from a us site like beautysesh (use dto use memebox, but now they’re basically like amazon and a platform provider so i switched to beautysesh)

16. Does anyone have any idea what we’re wearing for fall? Are we still doing booties + skinny jeans + oversized tops? I keep hearing that we’re all supposed to be switching to bootcut (or otherwise non-skinny) jeans, but I don’t know if that’s really happening/if skinnies really have been declared passe.

    1. Oh Lord, please bring back my bootcut jeans!

       signed, Pear Shaped Lady

       1. +1. “We” never wore skinny jeans.

          1. +1 never succumbed

             1. +1 as well- never wore skinny jeans, they look awful on me! Just kept wearing a slight boot cut.

    2. I just bought a cute sweater, cute booties, and skinny jeans so I hope that’s still a thing this year!

    3. I think we are still wearing skinny pants and leggings but without tall boots. And I think some of our skinny pants are leather or leather-like.

    4. And on Wednesdays we wear pink.

       1. Winning comment!

       2. Anon has alot of winning comments! I’ve marveled at her abilities alot of times on this websight! YAY Anon!!!!

          1. This comment is my favorite! =)

    5. I’m phasing in two pairs of more boyfriend/straight style jeans with cute sneakers, as opposed to skinnies and booties. (But I’ve always hated booties so I’m more than eager to hope they’re losing ground to sneakers and flat mules.)

    6. I’m going to keep wearing the skinnies I have (which are maybe more like straight legged pants) with booties…and with tall boots when it’s cold. Because I don’t buy clothes to last for just one or two seasons, and I think being too wed to trends is sort of ridiculous.

       1. +1

       2. Yup! This!

    7. Skinnies and straight legged jeans look best on me, but I did buy a pair of boot it jeans at gap recently I’m excited to wear.

    8. Someone will have to pry my skinny jeans and jeggings out of my cold, dead hands.

    9. But I just found skinnies I like that my calves will fit into. And I finally talked myself into liking booties again, although they still remind me of the first pair of shoes I ever bought with my own saved-up allowance money in the mid/late 80s, which were suede booties and which I loved but which were definitely fabulously 80s. Now that I am up to date with fashion changes from 5 years ago it’s all going to change again, isn’t it?

       1. … yes. Sorry.

    10. “We”? Surely you get to decide what you want to wear, whether or not internet strangers are wearing the same thing?

    11. Just got some raw hem jeans I love. Higher waists are in too. My spare tire is very excited about that. Yay!

17. Hoping you all can help with a makeup search – my longtime undereye concealer (Artistry pot concealer) was discontinued, and I am struggling to find a replacement. I have _serious_ genetic undereye circles (the last time a makeup artist took off my usual concealer, she gasped). It’s probably more noticeable in contrast to my very fair skin. This isn’t a little darkness — more I look sad and sick without concealer.

    I have tried a ton of concealers, high and low end, and I can’t find something that is opaque enough, doesn’t crease and yet doesn’t dry the heck out of my skin and show lines I didn’t know existed. Here’s (what I can remember) that I’ve tried so far — I have also tried putting a corrector under the concealer, but still not a lot of luck. I usually set my concealer with MAC Blot powder. I have also tried building layers of coverage, and using a blending brush, but that just seems to make the creasing worse and still doesn’t solve the problem. I am almost 40, so dryness is starting to be an issue when it wasn’t before.

    – Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer (good color, not opaque enough)
    – Nars Soft Matter Concealer (too drying)
    – Bobbi Brown pot Concealer (too drying, bad color match)
    – Laura Mercier pot Concealer (good color match, nice texture, not opaque enough).
    – NYX pot concealer (decent coverage and texture, creased terribly)
    – Maybelline Pro Conceal (sank into lines horribly, not opaque enough)
    – Maybelline Age Rewind (decent coverage, a little creasing, a little drying, but so far the best option but not ideal)
    – Cle De Peau (horribly – drying AND creasing)
    – Urban Decay Shape Tape (drying, sank into lines, oxidized)
    – IT Bye Bye Undereye (got a bad color match in this, may return to it to try again)
    – Urban Decay Naked Skin (not opaque enough, sank into fine lines)

    I think that is everything, but I may be missing some… Still to try: Benefit BOING (tried almost a decade ago and wasn’t right, but may be okay now); Lancôme Effacernes

    I know I’ve seen people recommend concealers here — if anyone has a personal HG they’d recommend, I would truly appreciate it.

    1. I use benefit erase paste – it’s not as opaque as I’d like, but not drying and light enough (I have a fair complexion and really dark circles too).

       1. Benefit Boi-ing concealer is very full coverage and not too crease-y, if you’re one of the lucky 3 shades they make. The Kevin Aucoin pot concealer is also excellent.

          1. I had totally forgotten Kevin Aucoin! Thank you for that reminder.

    2. NYX color correcting liquid primer in peach. Apply concealer over it if needed – your Nars or whatever you like best.

    3. Bobbi Brown creamy concealer. I also have genetic dark circles. It sucks.

       1. I will look for the liquid primer in peach and the Bobbi Brown creamy concealer. Maybe that will be better, as the other one I tried was too dry. Thanks for the commiseration.

          1. The creamy concealer is under eye magic. They were only releasing it in a duo set with pressed powder for a while, but it seems to be back in single pot packaging. I am tempted to hoard it.

    4. Cover FX is known for their concealers. Have tried any of their products? You can try them at Sephora.

       1. No! Thank you. I will give it a shot.

    5. I have the same dryness/creasing issues, and YSL Touche Eclat works for me.

    6. I like Tarte Amazonian Clay – it tends to be very opaque.

    7. Try RMS uncoverup. It’s very opaque, comes in a pot, and is coconut oil-based so it’s very hydrating. I have super dry skin and as long as I set it with powder, it doesn’t crease on me.

       1. I’ve been looking at this; thanks for the rec!

       2. Recently got this upon the recommendation of someone here and I really like it. Doesnt fully cover my eye circles but covers cheek blemishes well for me.

    8. You need primer to prevent creasing.

       1. Thanks! I recently realized this might be an issue; do you have one you recommend.

          1. Not anonymous above, but I like the BareMinerals CC eye primer. I apply it to my eyelid and my undereye and I find it works well to prevent undereye creasing plus helps my eyeshadow last longer.

          2. I’m 56 with the same genetic under eye issues. Swear by Smashbox Photo Finish Hydrating Undereye Primer. Sadly, with age, my eyelids have also become redder/more discolored which is very apparent with my fair skin. Smashbox Primer for Eyelids is a great help and makes eye shadow wear like there’s no tomorrow. I, too, think I need to be hoarding these products on the chance they discontinue making them.

    9. Stila Perfecting Concelear has good coverage and I don’t recall it being drying.

    10. I love the Benefit Boing! I’m not a fan of the liquid concealers. The benefit concealer sets really well with powder too.

    11. I’m in the same boat with fair skin and dark circles. I wish I could tell you I’d found the perfect product, but I’ve basically come to accept that I can’t completely conceal my circles and just minimize them instead. I currently use Lancôme but it is not really opaque. It does layer without creasing though. YSL touche eclat is definitely not opaque enough for actual dark circles and I would not attempt to use it on its own. It works well on top of an undereye concealer that has been well blended. I’ve had some success with light layers of Bobbi Brown or Laura Mercier. If I ever get to a bigger city and can test the color, I’m going to try Kevyn Aucoin.

        Eye cream helps with moisture, but make sure it’s completely absorbed or the concealer will slide around. Primer hasn’t really helped me. For a time I was using eyelid primer, but it seemed to cause weird patchiness. I do like Laura Mercier brightening powder (can’t remember the name) to set the concealer.

    12. Have you tried pink, lavender, or peach color-correcting concealers? How you describe it, I would think lavender or pink would work better. Especially lavender.

    13. Benefit Boing is my holy grail concealer. It’s super opaque (at least on me). It’s the only concealer I’ve ever used that has really fixed the undereye dark circle issue. I sometimes use the Nars creamy concealer, which I really like during the summer when I’m a little more tan and the contrast isn’t so noticeable, but when my skin is the normal winter color, Boing is my jam.

        1. I am going to have to revisit Boing, I think. I tried YSL Touche Éclat years ago, and though it’s lovely, it never was enough to cover my (less dark) circles then.

           I’ve tried peach and apricot concealers (more toward orange), and I can’t say they help much, but they do help. But they also seem to increase the creasing.

           Thank you all – I so appreciate all the great thoughts. Part of me is just still in mourning that something that worked so easily got discontinued, but that’s just how cosmetics are…

    14. Glossier?

    15. It’s a bit of a cult favorite, but my makeup artist who does my makeup for special events swears by Kevin Aucoin due to its high coverage and look of smooth skin (the makeup artist is known for her clients to look like newborn skin.

    16. My personal HG is a Laura Geller product I bought from QVC a while back. I forget the specific name but it comes in a tiny pot. Covers my dark circles, stays on all day, no creasing, neither drying nor oily.

18. We recently moved office spaces, and IT IS SO MUSTY AND DARK. Any recommendations for helping out with this situation?

    1. I loved a desk lamp when I was in a dark office situation — created a little spot of light where I was working.

    2. Yes! Get a Happy Lite. I like the ones available to sit on your desk, about $100 on Amazon. Saved my sanity in a windowless office. And helps with seasonal mood changes! Also fake plants. All the fake plants.

    3. Ask your boss to spring for a dehumidifier, and get yourself a full-visible-spectrum lamp. I like Verilux brand and they have an online outlet where you can usually find good prices – you should be able to get one for less than $40. Also look for plants that do well in low light, like pothos or ferns. They’ll increase the air quality and are good for your mood, too.

       1. And maybe see about getting the windows professionally cleaned, inside and out. It can make a big difference.

    4. Not sure if you mean your office generally or the whole office for everyone.

       If it’s just you:
       1. Desk light /and/ standing light.
       2. Something lightly scented to make it smell fresher. Not strong. Maybe a method cleaner spritz and wipe down on the desk once a day at night before you leave.
       3. Something green, if you aren’t going to kill it. I chose not to because a dead plant wasn’t gonna help the situation. But a succulent or something might help.
       4. Try to make the space as inviting as you can, within reason. I spent my first seven months at my job in an office with a violently orange wall, with no natural light and no heat. I put a framed poster up on the wall, as well as a bulletin board with a mix of my (work related but personal- like tickets for a Bryan Stevenson reading) stuff and straight work stuff, as well as a couple other personal things. And I sat towards the nominally brighter side of the office.

19. Any Floridians here? I’m headed to FL tonight for a conference. Mostly indoors but some outdoors. Weather Monday and Tuesday shows rain but 90 degrees. I’m not sure how to dress. Any thoughts?

    1. I should have been clearer. North miami area.

    2. Take layers. I have never been in a building in Florida that wasn’t overcompensating for the outside temperature by having absolutely freezing air conditioning.

       1. A belated thanks because I had to tell you – I read your first sentence as, “take lawyers” and I thought, well I knew Florida was crazy litigious, but…..

    3. Seconding Gail. I went to a conference in the Miami area and was almost always wearing a jacket and scarf inside, then immediately stuffing them into my bag as soon as I walked outside.

       (Oh, and if you wear glasses, be prepared for your glasses to fog when you walk outside because of the temperature difference. That was entertaining.)

    4. It is very hot and humid right now. I’d recommend sleeveless top/dress when you are outside but absolutely bring a jacket or sweater for indoors, we like to keep indoor spaces freezing cold. It will almost certainly rain while you are here so bring an umbrella and pack shoes that you don’t mind getting wet.

20. This is a longshot, but does anyone have recommendations for a couples counselor in Atlanta? Marriage/intimacy issues (no infidelity). ITP is best but flexbile. TIA.

    1. check the Gottman Institute for Gottman-trained counselors in Atlanta.

       1. + 1 to Gottman style.

    2. Michael Barnett. Office is near the intersection of Cheshire Bridge and Sheridan. He is great and was really helpful for us in learning to communicate more effectively and in working through some impasses in our relationship about when and whether to have children, etc.

21. Dh and I are on month 3 of TTC – my period is now almost 5 days late but I’ve taken two pregnancy tests that are both negative. What would you do? How long should I wait to call the dr? Trying not to get too excited …..

    1. Gently, why would you be excited? The tests are negative. As of now proceed as though you are not pregnant. Because you are not. You do not need to call the doctor. By all means keep testing but until you have a positive result you are not pregnant and should not be excited at all.

       1. Back in the old days (30+ years ago) the home tests were sometimes not sensitive enough to pick up an early positive result, so the manufacturer would tell you to test again in 5 days if you still didn’t have a period. Nowadays that’s not the case. If you’ve somehow ovulated much later than is usual for you, you could still GET pregnant this cycle, but the negative test means you’re not pregnant.

          1. Thanks both – it’s a helpful reality check. I guess I placed too much faith in the idea of a false negative. Not sure what’s going on inside but maybe next month!

             1. Good luck!

             2. I tested negative and ended up being pregnant and testing positive a couple days to a week later.

       2. Gotta cosign this. Tests are pretty sensitive these days and by this point, you’d be seeing a positive. False negatives are rare. If you’re still testing negative in a few days but your period hasn’t started, that might be worth calling the doctor about, just to see what’s going on. Good luck!

    2. Er, not sure about this. A few years ago, my pregnancy test was negative one day and positive the next. And I was pregnant with twins. I wouldn’t call the doctor. The above commenters are right that you are probably not pregnant, but my anecdotal experience is that it’s not as cut and dry as that.

       1. By contrast, I took a test 5 days before my expected period and the test turned positive in one second flat, so anecdotal experience is probably not the most helpful here.

    3. There’s a good chance you ovulated later than normal in your cycle, I’d wait a few days and test again.

       1. +1 You could definitely be pregnant, but you may not be.

       2. +2. I think at this point you’re probably not pregnant, but it’s possible. Pregnancy tests usually can’t show a positive until a minimum of 10 days post-ovulation, which for most women is still a few days before the missed period. But if you ovulated late, it’s possible that you’re pregnant but it’s too soon for the test to be positive.
          Fwiw, in the cycle I conceived I took a test three days before my period was due (10 or 11 days after ovulation) and it was negative. I re-tested again four days later (on the day after I expected my period) and it was a very strong positive. And when I had bloodwork done, my hCG levels (which is the hormone that home pregnancy tests detect) were off the charts high, to the point that the doctor suspected I was pregnant with multiples (I wasn’t). So there certainly is a point at which you are definitely pregnant but it won’t show up on a home pregnancy test. For most women, if the pregnancy is developing normally, that point usually ends around the time you expect your period though.

          1. Follow up question for those who’ve referenced “strong” positives – the tests I’ve bought just say pregnant or not pregnant- is there any reason to think the non digital ones are more accurate? (Really a question for future months more than this one, but now I’m curious )

             1. In my experience, First Response Early Result (the one with the pink lines) showed a faint second line (what I would refer to as a “faint positive”) while I was still getting “not pregnant” on the Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy test. I believe it detects a lower level of HCG.

22. I’ve been getting home late and haven’t been wanting to make/eat a full dinner. Any ideas for healthy/easy/quick “snacks” I can have for dinner? I did baguette/cheese/sausage last week and it was perfect but not healthy enough to do very often

    1. Hard boiled egg, hummus, cut up vegetables.

    2. PB and J
       Oatmeal with mix ins – like almond butter
       Scrambled Egg on toast w/ hot sauce
       Adult Lunchables: cut up fruit, veggies, cheese, crackers, meat, pickles
       Make some of the budget bytes black been quesadillas and keep them in your freezer
       Greek Yogurt with fruit and granola
       Already made soup – heated up

    3. I keep a few different soups in freezer (I cook more that I would use immediately and freeze the extra portion). When I cannot be bothered, I make a few hardboiled eggs and toss them into precooked quinoa, cilantro, tomato, pine nuts, yoghurt bowl. Or tacos. Or yoghurt with a few spoons of protein.

    4. Make an easy quiche (even crustless!) on Sunday and have it all week.

    5. Hummus with pita chips, a few pieces of hard cheese, apples, and almonds. Sometimes with some honey for the apples (uh, and almonds).

    6. Greek yogurt with granola
       Cheese (string cheese is super convenient) with pita and hummus
       Whole wheat frozen waffles, toasted with peanut/almond butter and a banana
       Amy’s organic frozen burritos (they heat up really fast and they’re not super large/filling, so they’re good for a small dinner)

    7. There have been a couple threads on this, most recently last week. Great ideas though!

    8. I love sauteing a few veggies (e.g., onions, mushrooms, asparagus, green beans, garlic, shallot, leeks) and then scrambling a couple eggs into the veggies. Put it in a bowl and top with avocado, goat cheese, and sriracha. Maybe smoked salmon if you’re feeling extra ambitious.

23. Sheath dress or sleeveless top with a jacket or cardigan. The AC will likely be frigid and outdoors it’s 90 + 90% humidity. Most people go with bare legs but you can wear hosiery if you want to (but it’s hot). I usually keep a scarf or pashmina with me for indoors.

24. Threadjack:
    I’ve been invited to play a round of golf late next month at the (private) country club where one of our VPs has a membership. This will be my first time in such a setting (grew up solidly blue-collar), and would welcome any tips on navigating the country club environment, specifically around any unspoken/assumed norms of behavior pre- and post-round. For example, I don’t usually use a bag drop, change shoes in the car (no locker rooms at many public/semi-public courses), etc and suspect that some of those things may be somewhat inappropriate in a place that’s likely a bit more oriented toward serving members/guests. If we do a group dinner after (still TBA), do I bring a change of clothes? Things like that.

    In case it’s relevant: location is Michigan, and I anticipate the club is fairly “old school” given that the website describes the main restaurant as “the men’s lounge, but ladies are allowed on Saturday nights”. (Yes, I have Feelings about that but will not be picking that fight nor declining the invitation to Make A Statement.)

    I’m less anxious about the actual golf piece of this, as I have played for close to a decade & was taught rules/ etiq* by someone who played competitively. Planned attire is neat and well-fitting, solidly conservative (grey golf slacks, tucked-in polo with subtle grey/navy pattern, white/navy shoes, navy 1/4-zip pullover if chilly. Coordinating hat/shoes/belt, minimal makeup.)

    TIA!

    1. I would bring a change of clothes for a group dinner, depending on when you expect to finish up the round. If it’s 5ish, I would just wear golf clothes, but if it is later, I would bring a change of non sporty clothes. If you want to ask, I think a good way to gauge this would be (if dinner plans are made) to ask, “Wonderful! Is there a ladies dress code to be aware of?” and then he will either tell you and you can plan accordingly or he will say, “oh, not that formal, we’ll be eating on the patio” in which case you can wear what you wore to the course. Many clubs have a more formal dining room and a separate ‘club dining room’ or something that is less formal. I would still bring a change of shoes and some casual golf clothes in case you get wet or sweaty. Play it by ear – part of this is the ‘rules’ of these clubs and part of it is being the only (I assume) woman. If it’s a casual drinks on the patio, you don’t want to be spending a ton of time in the locker room primping when they are sitting down directly from the course but should just join them. If it is a more formal dinner, change and get ready but be advised that the men will be ready quickly, so maybe pack dry shampoo or whatever so you can be quick.

       As for other pre- and post- round tips… do a bag drop, use the locker room, and bring cash for tipping. I say the last point because as a guest, you won’t be paying, but it is always a gracious gesture to offer to tip and those people can add up (bag drop, valet, caddie, drink cart, bus boy/waiter at dinner, etc.)

       1. Thanks, Nutella. One more question, if I may. I assume a (small) bag with change(s) of clothes/shoes is acceptable; do I just carry it in with me and ask to be directed to the ladies locker room, or leave it with bag drop or …? #overthinking

          Expected tee time around 1pm, so we’d be coming off the course squarely at (early) dinner hour.

          1. Is only one of the people playing a member? See what the other people do about bringing a change of clothes- you may just leave them in the car and get them when you drop the clubs after the round.
             Also, the women’s locker room likely has toiletries available that you can use. There may opr may not be extra locker space available in the locker room- most lockers are rented to members. ANother option, call the pro shop and ask how they handle it. A club with a big female membership may have a dedicated locker room attendant for the ladies locker room and you can leave your change of clothes with them.
             We don’t keep lockers at our club so we change shoes at the car before we drop off our bags. Otherwise, I’d just put your golf shoes in your golf bag and change them when you get a chance.

             1. You probably wont bring your clubs back to your car when you’re done – you’ll probably put them in the bag drop. Call ahead of time, mention that you’ll be playing as a guest, and ask about the protocol- you’ll probably leave it in the ladies locker room.

       2. I’d be careful with the cash though. Some clubs do not allow cash tipping.

       3. Agree with most of what nutella said except the cash part – no cash is allowed at my private club or the other ones I’ve been to in my area.

          I would leave the bag with your change of clothes in your car or ask someone (possibly someone who works at the club, esp. if you’re the only woman/non-member) the best place to leave it. Might be bag drop, might be locker room attendant, might be somewhere else.

          Don’t apologize for overthinking!

          1. Oh, one more thing that hopefully will come out when you ask about dress code but I just want you to be aware of if no one is changing for dinner. My club has a place where you can eat in golf attire but hats aren’t allowed. I get bad hat head so I hate this. I usually duck in to the women’s locker room and take a few minutes to clean up without showering/changing.

    2. Definitely use the bag drop and locker room to change your shoes- my father in law once got an email from his CC that we still joke about “Mr K, we KNOW you’ve been changing your shoes in the parking lot!”

       You’ll want to bring an outfit to change into if you do stay for dinner- I recommend a navy sheath (navy can be equally at home between LBDs and lilly pulitzer)- maybe with a cardigan.

       I think your golf skills will not go unnoticed- and for the rest, you can be polite and gracious, and dont hesitate to quietly ask a staff member if you have any questions. Good luck and have fun!

    3. Thank you for all the insights (and if anyone else wants to chime in, please feel free). I’m going to call and inquire about the ladies locker room for guests as well as the tipping policy. That should free me up to worry about my lately-abysmal putting instead of social anxiety :)

       “Polite and gracious” – great watchwords to get through any number of situations in life!

25. Houston-area ‘r e t t e s: Hoping you’re safe and dry wherever you are. My thoughts are with you.

26. How’s it going? No significant flooding on my street (thus far). Anyone evacuated or needing help?

27. I need help from a beauty guru. I recently ordered a number of products from The Ordinary (hyaluronic acid, The Buffet, rosehip seed oil and Vitamin C). I’ve been playing around with them but would love some advice on which to use when, frequency, order, etc.

    Also, I am nursing. I don’t think The Buffet contains retinol but can anyone verify that it is ok to use while nursing?

    1. I would layer them. Usually, you layer based on viscosity (or how thick/dense the products are), so that each layer can be absorbed. I would choose the following order:
       Vitamin C (provided it is a serum-like texture) would be your first layer on a cleansed & dry skin.
       Then Buffet (as it is primarily a peptide serum).
       Follow with hyaluronic acid gel (?).
       I would only use rosehip oil in the evening – either as the last layer or instead of hyaluronic acid gel. Test what feels best for your skin, though. For some, this is too much, but I imagine dry or mature skin will soak this all up.

       I would also check with the customer care line of the store for their recommendation and also to doublecheck retinol content. From the ingredients list, I do not see any retinol-based ingredient in it.
       The Buffet also contains hyaluronic, but from my experience, multifunctional products do not contain as much actives as single purspose products and you may find that using both, HA gel and the buffet will work for you.

       I would use all products daily – morning and evening (except for the rosehip oil). And you may always leave-out one product to see what feels best for you.

       1. Thank you SO much!

    2. Vitamin C first, then buffet, then hyaluronic acid, and always oil last. You might also consider a true cream or moisturizer as a final step.

    3. Vitamin C first, then buffet, then hyaluronic acid, and always oil last. You might also consider a true cream or moisturizer as a final step.

28. Have you ever told a friend you can’t discuss something anymore? If so, what topics and did the friendship eventually end? I’ve never been that kind of friend but I really can’t take 90 min at a time re – you won’t believe what my boss said, well I told that b—. We’re in the same industry but have very different ways of dealing with our workplaces. She essentially tells off her boss bc the boss is dumb (bc she is) but IMO while there’s a time and place to stand up for yourself if you’re telling off your boss 2x/day everyday, of course the job becomes a downward spiral. In any event, after our last convo I was left w a headache and accused of being a bad friend and just can’t take it anymore . . . .

    1. She called you a bad friend? Bye. You aren’t friends. And it’s no real loss.

       1. OP – bad friend overstates it for brevity but basically she didn’t get my immediate agreement that the way she responded to something was ok; she got mad – she expected me to 100% agree. Thing is – I don’t respond to people that way and I have worked with more than my fair share of difficult people; IMO responding to difficult lawyers who you are junior to by fighting with them just escalates the situation and makes it that much more miserable – bc the case isn’t going away and you need to continue to work with them. So yeah there were some criticisms of me but not the exact term “bad friend.”

    2. If you are interested in maintaining the friendship I do think you have to listen to some of her concerns but not 90 minutes.

       I find long pauses help change the subject. If she goes on a diatribe just don’t respond. Maybe don’t make eye contact and let your mind wander.

       Most self aware people would take the hint. Unfortunately I don’t think your friend who called you a bad friend is a self aware person.

       1. But once someone gets started how do you stop them? You can’t say “ok it’s been 20 min, let’s move on” bc it isn’t a business meeting? And no if she’s on a diatribe and I’m not responding that does not guarantee a subject change at all – if anything it lengthens the diatribe.

          1. Of course you can. “Yeah boss sucks. Have you seen the new Bachelorette though?” “Hey I’m sure you don’t realize but we’ve been talking about boss for half an hour- time to move on!”

    3. I think you have posted about this relationship before, yes?

       I think you need to take a break. You’re allowed to tell her… next time she starts in this topic… that you really can’t talk about it anymore. It is starting to upset you/stress you out. Then you must acknowledge that your favorite vent topic of choice might also be something that she doesn’t want to listen to, and she may fire that back at you. And it may end/damage your friendship.

       I have cut off friends. It happens.

       1. Wasn’t my posting – though I wonder if I can search for it?? This is a fairly recent development this summer for me and I’ve never in my life affirmatively cut off a friend – drifted away sure, but not a true cut off.

          Honestly it stresses me out bc it’s not like my job is perfect either – and yet I make an effort to NOT complain about the details of it (bc re living the details of something I’m not happy with is hard and just uses up mental energy) and bc I assume people don’t want to hear me complain. Clearly she doesn’t see it that way.

          1. It’s a pretty common theme on here. The advice generally boils down to, set boundaries and if she disrespects them then distance yourself/cut her off if necessary.

             I have a friend whose main method of communication is complaining. I don’t talk to her when I’m stressed out or otherwise don’t want to hear it. For example, she repeatedly texted me complaints about work while I was on vacation. I just didn’t respond. She was unhappy with me when I got back but… I choose to not care. When someone is doing something objectively unreasonable, you can choose to debate with them about how unreasonable they are (gl with that) or you can disengage.

    4. If you are left with a headache dealing with this – you have done enough. You’re free to make yourself less available and allow her to sort this out on her own – turn down some invites to drinks if you feel like it’ll be about work; let a call go to v/m once in a while or pick up and make it clear you must go in 20 min bc you need to be at x place on time etc.

    5. I think you can set boundaries before you meet. Say you’re meeting for brunch. Send her an email saying, “I’m really excited to see you, but I just cannot talk about work or jobs–I need a break!” Then when she brings that up, say, “Sorry–we just can’t talk about this–I need a mental break!” And if she persists, then you look her in the eye and scream, “RECLAIMING MY TIME RECLAIMING MY TIME RECLAIMING MY TIME – I cannot talk about this.” Maybe not quite that dramatic, but you need to interject and say, “Truly, let’s talk about something else.” You are not her work therapist. Period.

       1. Don;t scream in her face. I would be more than receptive to a “let’s talk about something else,” but if screamed in my face, then you are no longer my friend.

          1. Joke, Anonymous. It was a joke.

       2. I had considered having shirts with “RECLAIMING MY TIME RECLAIMING MY TIME” made after I saw that Maxine Waters video. This was the push I needed!

    6. I’ve been in your shoes, although not work related, but relationship. Said friend was interested in a married man, and I was okay initially talking to her and listening to her try to work her way out of being interested. However, when it became a “thing” and stopped being just interested and action, I had to say no. Basically i told her i love her, but cant listen to her talk about the “relationship” because its about the worst thing I could imagine, etc. She understood, and we have remained friends, but are very careful when it comes to relationship discussions.

29. We need a mattress for a new place. Are casper mattress actually good? Or has the advertising on podcasts gotten to me?

    1. They’re fine. I think they’re really hot to sleep on

    2. My sister and another friend both got matresses from Tuft and Needle (same concept as Casper) and they LOVE them.

    3. We looked at Casper when we purchased a new mattress and decided on the Helix. You have the option of each side having different features for a small upcharge, but we did not do that. We each took the configuration quiz and it recommended something in between the two for the entire mattress. We are happy with it. I don’t recall the details, but I know that ours has some type of cooling feature. I don’t think it’s hot.

    4. We used Nest Bedding and have been really happy. Where are you located? They have a few stores you can test them out on.

    5. West Elm on 18th st has Casper mattresses you can test out in the store.

    6. if you’ve never done a “bed in a box” Amazon actually has some decent quality ones for ~$200-$300 that you can get on sail for cheaper to try it out. some people love memory foam & others do not.

    7. We wanted a good mattress and my husband became fixated on the Casper mattresses. I asked a friend who had used one and she described it as a great mattress if you are just out of school and want an average, bargain mattress that is ok on comfort and more on the soft, rather than firm, end of the spectrum. This was definitely not what we wanted. We ended up going to a store and lying on a ton of mattresses and getting a Tempur Pedic which we LOVE.

    8. We’ve been sleeping on a Casper for about 14 months no – no regrets – my husband is a picky sleeper and i dont think hes ever been more comfortable.

       You can sometimes find them in store at west elm or in select Targets.

       We love our casper

    9. I really liked the mattress at one of the hotels I had stayed at, so I emailed them and asked what they use. So if you’ve had a particularly good mattress experience, maybe try to track that one down?

30. What portion of your job satisfaction is derived from the work you do as opposed to the circumstances you do it in (like coworkers, pay, company culture, commute, perceived value of your work, etc)? I think I always expected that the work was the most important, and the circumstances were secondary. A job with good work but bad circumstances has made me flip that. I’m curious how other people balance the two aspects.

    1. I thought that way when I was young/just starting out – i.e. if you were doing the work you wanted, who cared if the people were difficult/not nice etc. Over time I realized that those other factors make a BIG difference. Compared to my peers I am still much more about the work than the secondary factors – so I’ll put up with long hours, weekends, tough people – if I get to do what I want; but it is not invariable anymore – I have limits to what I’ll deal with for the optimal (for me) work.

    2. I think my job satisfaction is 70% circumstances, 30% work — and work would divide down to about 1/3 “mission” and 2/3 just the actual stuff I do, day to day.

       Circumstances: I really like the people I work with: they’re smart, ethical, kind. I love the attitude that is prevalent here that is something like “people approach things differently; people have different strengths; the best thing we can do is take the best from everyone to make progress together.” I like that I work from 8 to 5 very regularly unless I’m traveling. I like that people know the difference between an emergency and not-an-emergency. I like that there’s a daycare on site, and that no one blinks when I say I’m going over there for a picnic. I love that there is a culture that encourages growth and responsibility; that when I screw up my boss acknowledges it and we can collaborate to figure out ways to avoid it going forward/mitigate the damage. I like that when I’m stuck in a meeting going past daycare pickup time, my boss will sub in for me so I can arrange to get Kiddo home. That kind of stuff is, in my experience, SO RARE, and I’m clinging to it tightly. (TBH, after a weekend with a grumpy (sick) husband and a grumpy (two year old) kid, I’m *happy* to come into work on Monday!)

       The work … I like it. I like that it’s diverse and challenging but not overwhelming. I guess some of the ‘circumstances’ spill into ‘work’ — like that I am seldom working like something is an emergency. Work is work, and I don’t think I’ll ever *love* drafting contracts.

       I believe in the mission of my organization, and that belief informs my work, but if this place didn’t have such a great company culture, I don’t think the mission would be enough to carry me through.

       1. +1

          I think circumstances are much more important. I will never LOVE work. I’m not one of those people who derives their sense of worth from their job. Other things are much more important to me. And having an pleasant office with coworkers I enjoy spending time with makes the work so much more bearable.

          1. This. I’d say about 90/10 for me.

       2. Ugh I am afraid this sounds smug. :-/ I did “cool” and interesting work for a while, and also “prestigious” work for good pay (BigLaw) but neither of those floated my boat the way that working with nice people does. I’m glad I’ve found something that works for me.

    3. Circumstances are definitely more important. Who cares how cool your work is if, for example, you have a toxic boss or co-worker.

       On the other hand, I have great circumstances – positive culture, good pay, great co-workers etc. But I still hate being a lawyer, which I find tedious and stressful to the point that it has negatively affected my mental health, despite currently amazing working conditions compared to almost anyone else in private practice.

    4. At least 50% circumstances. I love my work, but it would be tough to motivate myself on a daily basis if I didn’t also have fantastic and supportive coworkers.

31. I’m starting to think about fall and winter work wear. My go to winter work outfit for the last 5 years has been pencil skirt, black tights, Cole Haan black knee high boots with small heel and sweater with scarf. Or sheath dress and same knee high boots. Is this still in style? I feel like booties are too trendy for the office but maybe I ‘m wrong? Anyway, I need to replace my Cole Haan knee high boots if I’m going to continue with this looks this year. Does this look still work? Any recs for boots? I looked last night and couldn’t find any that I remotely liked.

    1. I stopped wearing my knee high boots to the office and substituted booties instead. It does take a while to get used to but now I am used to the look.

       1. Please give me some examples of ankle boots you would pair with pencil skirts!

          1. IMO, the ones with a lower vamp (like a V in front) work the best with skirts. They elongate, rather than cut off the leg.

          2. I’m now a huge fan of the shootie. Things like the Aquatalia Dina’s from last season. With black tights creates a seamless line, and is just really comfortable.

    2. I think it also depends a little where you live. Booties don’t fit style wise in my work environment either. I am also in the midwest, and here knee high black boots will always be in style. Sometimes practicality wins.

       I have a few different pairs that I have accumulated over the years. I like a bit of a heel, but have a classic black leather with smallish block heel, and then a couple of pairs of weatherproof suede and some booties with a higher shaft, that work better for my style. I also have a pair of wedge knee high black boot that are actually a ?nylon, and they make me feel like wonder woman when I wear them. Women stop me on the street and ask me where I got them when I am walking to work downtown. If you can believe it, they are actually a little chic. La Canadienne. I am in a snowy area.

       1. I also live in a place with real winters. Knee high boots are more for the functionality of keeping my legs warm than going for a look. Any recs for boots I could buy would be appreciated! I would like to stay around $200 maybe a bit more.

    3. Do you have to keep the same shoes on all day? I still wear knee high boots into the office, but they no longer look at all on trend to me, so I now swap them out for other shoes during the day. Other shoes include booties, oxfords, and flats – I pick depending on whether I anticipate needing to go out of the building a lot during the day.

       1. I don’t have to but it would be kind of weird if I didn’t. People in my office don’ts switch shoes.

          1. But honestly who would notice?

    4. This is very similar to my fall/winter style, so I hope it still works! I think of it as a classic, and it works well with my shape. Booties simply aren’t for me.

    5. How do you do booties with snow? Anyone from Montreal/Ottawa/Toronto who get a lot of snow manage to wear booties without getting snowy ankles and wet feet? I feel like knee high boots are a necessity

       1. I don’t live in an area with as much snow but I have the same question. In theory I would like to have booties, but I don’t really understand how to wear them. Especially with pants. It seems weird to have your socks show, but bare ankles are really cold in the winter!

          Booty wearers, can you share your secrets please?

       2. In the winter I delineate more between work and non-work shoes. Work booties usually stay at work; I wear snow boots for the commute and then change when I arrive. If I want to wear a pair of work shoes in the evening or on a weekend, it’s easy enough to throw them in a bag and take them home.

    6. All the trendy young associates in my West Coast office wear dresses, black tights, and black booties to work. The height of the booties varies – I have ones that are more like Shooties (I hate that word, btw) but the trendier women wear higher ankles.

    7. I think this falls into the “classic” category. I too love my knee high boots. Shooties just look wrong on me and they appear to have stopped making slimmer heeled oxfords, which I love. You can pry my classic black knee high boots from my cold dead hands. They balance my hips in a way that a shootie just doesn’t do.

32. Going to Chicago next month and would love some recommendations on “touristy” (but fun) things to do in the city. Young professional, so not a huge budget, but certainly willing to splurge if worth it! I’ve only been to the city once and it was for a conference, so I only got to go to the Purple Pig (amazing).

    Right now the only two things on the docket are: Hamilton (any suggestions for dinner before the show?) and the Purple Pig.

    I am also in need of clothing suggestions!!! What’s the weather (on the ground, I’ve obviously checked it) like right now? I also need suggestions on what to wear to the theater!

    1. Unless the weather is really bad, do the architectural boat tour! It might sound dorky but it’s SO great! You go on a boat on a river through the city and look at the buildings! It’s lovely! There’s an option that goes into the lake too, which I think you can skip. I must’ve gone four times in the four years I lived there, with different out of town guests.

       I’m partial to the Chicago History Museum too. And the Cultural Center is free and awesome.

       1. +1 architecture boat tour is so great

       2. +1 it’s wonderful. And the art museum.

       3. +1 also young professional and the boat tour was my one splurge in Chicago and definitely worth it!

       4. +1 to the architecture boat tour. I also really like the Art Institute (my favorite exhibit is the miniature rooms), and then you can exit the Art Institute into Millenium Park, which has a bridge that connects to nice walks along the lake.

    2. Check previous comment threads for good suggestions of things to do, especially if you’re looking for touristy things (Willis Tower (fka Sears), Navy Pier, any of the museums…).
       Depending on your budget, go to Swift & Sons before Hamilton! Cold Storage (connected to Swift & Sons) is also a current favorite.
       The weather a month from now is going to be entirely different and unreliable (one day warm, the next not). Right now the mornings require a light sweater or scarf, but the afternoons warm up, back to a light layer in the evening. At the theater you’ll see everything: people in jeans and people dressed up. I usually opt for middle ground, a fun dress. The theater is cramped, so plan on a small purse.

    3. Italian Village (Vivere) is good for pre-Hamilton–right down the street and they are used to a theatre crowd, so if you tell them you have a show to get to, the service will be incredibly precise and get you there in time.

    4. Dinner before Hamilton – Cochon Volant, just down the street. Really good food, not super expensive and a really nice experience.

    5. Just came back from a long weekend in Chicago! Ate our way around Stephanie Izard restaurants. Beatrix for cocktails (I liked being able to actually have conversations with my friends instead of yelling over club-noise, but I am an old curmudgeon). Wandered around looking for/ at public art. Missed the Art Institute, but it was a non-starter with a sick toddler…

    6. Art Institute, Millennium Park, walking along the lake. My favorite restaurant in the entire world is the Frontera Grill.

       1. Frontera Grill is a favorite of mine, too, but if you can’t get a reservation and don’t want to wait in line, it’s easier to do lunch there instead. (They use Reserve for reservations instead of Open Table.)

33. Reposting because I posted this over the weekend and got stuck in mod for ages: Ugh guys i need casual/non work outfit ideas. I’ve gained a little weight (less than 10lbs/a lot of muscle) over the past year, so the majority of my clothes either don’t fit or don’t fit the way I want them to. I kind of just hate my body and haven’t liked the way clothes look on me, so I’ve been wearing a lot of yoga pants and workout tanks. i don’t even know what I’m looking for, just cute outfits that hide a tummy? everythung in the stores is just so ruffly or detailed and I just want simple, easy, chic but comfy outfits. For context, I’m 28, live in SEUS, am okay walking a line between trendy and classic, would like to spend as little as possible, but would be willing to spend more for the *right* pieces. I usually do brunch, dinners out to nice-casual places but occasionally low key fancy, shopping with gal pals, happy hours, museum openings, etc.

    Links to specific items are welcomed! Or specific “looks”.

    1. Please stop talking that way about your body! pls don’t hate it — it’s the only vessel you’ve got carrying you through this life! speaking more kindly to and about yourself will really help you feel more kindly toward yourself.

       OK and clothes…
       I love dresses. Dresses dresses dresses. I currently have a midi-length sundress from Old Navy that I get tons of compliments on. Would work for brunches and casual dinners. I also have a short flirty one that I would wear with a leather jacket to most night time things. Anything that hugs the chest and then just kinda skims the rest of your body might feel good. You can also look for great fitting high-waisted jeans. I’m super into (gosh I sound like an ad for them!) the Old Navy “High Rise Rockstar Built In Sculpt” jeans. They sit at my natural waist and feel great. I don’t notice them “sculpting” anything, but they’re comfy and flattering! I wear them with slightly shorter tees or tanks — ones that cover the top of the jeans but don’t necessarily go all the way to mid-hip. I wear them with high heeled sandals to feel like I’m *dressed.*

    2. Fit and flare dresses can be great for hiding a stomach you’re not thrilled with, but still highlighting your waist. Gentle rouching over the stomach can let you show off a, I presume, muscular back, while obscuring the front. Legging jeans and softly drapey tops for a non gym-wear version of yoga pants and muscle tanks?

    3. I gained 10 lbs and lived in lands end ponte dresses. Now I’ve lost it and can still wear them, with jackets over, no problem.

    4. I am in the SEUS, too! *Waves*

       What comes to my mind are short skirt (to your level of comfort) + looser-but-not-loose shirt, or short skirt + extremely funky (in print, detail, etc.) oversized shirt. Another idea is to wear dresses that have fun details and that aren’t very stomach-conscious, like a back cutout/open back, halter-top dresses, etc (I basically have dresses that I wear when I am going to a party where I know I am going to eat a lot, heh, and I know they won’t show my ate-so-much stomach).

       I would avoid loose dresses or, the horror, empire-waisted dresses, because they both accentuate a belly and you don’t want to feel like you are actively hiding a stomach. We all have stomachs. Stomachs FTW! As long as you feel comfortable, wear what makes you happy. I am so tired of our cultural crappy expectations. It’s actually normla for women to not have exercise-magazine flat abs. (I have them only before, and never after, dinner. Whatever.)

    5. Thanks ladies. I guess I should clarify that I don’t really *hate* my body, but I’ve gone from having basically no curves (size 0, not much muscle tone) to having more curves (I actually have a booty and more of an hourglass shape now and have gone up two pants sizes accordingly). I used to be able to buy the smallest size, know it would fit, and wouldn’t have to think about it, but now I’m having to figure out how to dress an entire new shape and it’s kind of stressful–things that used to look good…do not look the same now. It’s just frustrating! Ha.

       Thanks for your ideas…I’m definitely taking all of that info into account :)

34. Advice?

    I am in-house at a fortune 500 with low pay (for the market– I know in the scheme of things I am not struggling financially, but if I can’t ask on a place for high-achievers, where can I?). I knew it going into the job, but decided to take it anyway, in part because I was desperate to leave biglaw for health and happiness and in part because of other factors that are important: I really like my coworkers and liked them even from the first interview, great commute, I work directly for the GC at a fortune 500 and work directly with our c-suites, the work doesn’t pigeonhole me into a niche field so I could go someplace else later, mentorship is big here (it’s the GC) so I could keep climbing the company the longer I stay as opposed to being lost among hundreds of lawyers at another fortune 500, etc. I am generally very happy here and don’t work nights or weekends and my health and happiness are great.

    Also important is that the money really only bothers *me.* My husband makes more than enough for the both of us, and just wants me to be happy (whether that meant leaving biglaw or making more money or leaving law altogether to start an etsy shop, ha) but it bothers me to feel like I *could* be making more and should be. I guess it just feels like I am valued less? In my second year here, I make 115k, which is low for our market by my research (I believe market in our major US city among in-house for someone mid-level out of law school) would be at least 120-140 starting. I make a little bit in bonus. I just was asked to draft a contract for an IT project manager and the starting salary is 110-120. Given that mine was 100 when I started and I fought to get it to 110 and then got a raise, it sort of rubs me the wrong way, especially because we are a very small legal team and if I or my colleagues quit, the department (and the company) would be in crisis mode whereas the IT project managers are in and out all the time. (This is also an issue w/r/t maternity leave, but that is for another day.)

    Is this just something that happens? Should I just accept that I knew the pay was low but that I am happy and can excel here or should I ask for more? (I don’t think I can raise the project manager as a comparison!) I could interview elsewhere, but I do really like my coworkers and the work and do believe that because our team is so small and our GC so involved that I could excel. There is also the fact that I don’t work nights or weekends and maybe this is the price for that. This job would be perfect if I were paid more (and had paid maternity leave), but then… isn’t that how most people think about their jobs?

    1. Only you can decide what matters most to you – but keep in mind in our industry, it is becoming exceedingly rare to have a job where you have true mentorship and really move up the ranks and learn a lot, have exposure to c-suite etc. Lots of bigger in house jobs are with BIG legal departments – I know of a few that are the size of my biglaw firm (400-500 attys) — there is much more money but zero mentorship and your career development is entirely up to you AND you don’t get exposure to the GC or c-suite, you get assignments that you do at your desk and then you do the next one.

    2. Keep your eye open for other opportunities that piggyback on the current experience that you have. I am a person that stayed in a position similar to yours for the “mentorship”. In the five years I was in house with this company, I never got a raise and was passed over for promotions by white boys who were beer buddies with the right people (they claimed that these wunderboyz had “potential” – however I ended up cleaning up their messes. Don’t make my mistake.

    3. 100-110 strikes me as low but I don’t know your industry/market. I think the money matters if it bothers you and you believe you are being paid below market, esp if you made the jump because you were looking to get out quickly. You should continue to absorb and learn, become indispensable and make connections as much as possible while at the same time, looking for other jobs. Doing that will allow you to a) learn what the market looks like compensation-wise, b) learn about other companies, mentoring/learning ops, c) potentially find a new job or d) go to back to your current company with another offer and negotiate for a higher pay. You should at a min be paid at market.

    4. I’m an inhouse hospital attorney and have minimal c-suite exposure, zero mentoring (truly feel like a minion after 12 years at this organization), but after being tenacious to the point of hating myself, have finally positioned myself to make at about the 50th percentile of my inhouse peers for my geographic location. Took about five years, but finally there. The biggest problem is that as great as an attorney as my GC is, he wants to be liked by his peers more than he wants to go to the mat for his employees. All to say, good for you that your boss wants to mentor you and there is room for sustained career growth. That can be invaluable. Suggestions for increasing salary:

       1. Do some research and figure out what you SHOULD be making – aim for knowing, and collecting documentation to support, what fiftieth percentile is for your experience level in your company’s line of work. Chances are that at a F500, 50% of market is de minimus for executives. Once you know the avg salary, approach your HR compensation director to confirm what your company’s policy is on determing executive salary ranges to your geographic market.

       2. Once armed with data that shows most execs at your company get paid at 50th percentile, 75th, etc., whatever, and you know the market average, ask your boss why you’re on the low end. Maybe it’s experience? Maybe they don’t see you as adding as much value as Young White Guy, in which case you may need to gently (at first) point out any sex/age/cultural inconsistencies.

       3. If you feel you’re not being singled out, per se, but perhaps it’s the fact your boss isn’t comfortable advocating for his/her staff, then ask your boss: what do I need to do to make you comfortable with asking for a raise on my behalf or “getting me to the next level”? That’s less threatening to many bosses then suggesting they need to be more assertive (or that they are discriminating) and may truly show you that you just need to bring more value add/experience to what you do for the corp. (e.g., if you can review 15 contracts a month vs. 10, we can raise you).

       4. Look into the bonus issue. What percentage is the max for your peers in your corporation? Are you at the top range, middle, or low? Again, compare and contrast to your contemporaries (not just in legal, but to others in your corp that are equivalent, i.e., senior directors, jr. VPs, etc,) and then again ask what you can do to increase your perceived value to the org. I recently learned that inhouse makes a 10% bonus, but some select directors make a 15% bonus. We were shocked because as experienced attorneys, we actually thought we should be slightly above most organizational directors and just shy of VPs. Wrong. When HR was asked about the criteria, the answer was that it depends on how many direct reports you have and how much budget you control. Well, neither of those apply to inhouse legal, so what’s our equalizer? That was the first problem, HR is trying to fit a square peg in a round home. Also, sadly, it was also the lack of our GC advocating for us. As much as he’s fun and engaging, he honestly doesn’t think his attorneys are at the same level as another of his direct reports who is an executive director but has less education, has been out of the office a tremendous amount of time working on his masters, and is in a lot of ways a weak leader. That was shocking to us attorneys, but also bought a lot of insight re: our boss. Bottom line, it appears our GC needs to undervalue his workhorse staff or we might outshine him, and he is afraid of having 100% top level staff lest someone think he’s overestimating his team. All to say, if you have a good boss, there is inherent value in that. It may be worth a few dollars less not to have a GC who is undermining, passive-aggressiveness, and generally makes you feel like you’re not quite as great as you thought/everyone has told you/you work hard to be. Don’t underestimate the value of those intangibles.

       5. If salary can’t be set at 50th percentile, can other accommodations be made that may allow you like compensation, e.g., pre-arranger work from home every other Friday, an extra conference or two per year, pay for all bar memberships and CLEs, stand up desk, extra time to do some local community work without talking PDO, etc.

       6. Remind yourself (hourly, if needed) of the “perks.” No nights/weekends, can leave at 2pm for a hair appt., can work from home on occasion for a sick child or the cable guy, culture that frowns on yelling, you can ignore email all weekend without repercussions, etc. Rinse. Repeat.

       Good luck!

35. If you posted a dress on poshmark and said the price is firm, but you’ve been dropping the price over time, would you mind if someone made you an offer for A 5-10% discount? I don’t want to be a jerk

    1. I wouldn’t worry about being a jerk. That’s not an unreasonable discount to ask for. If you were asking for 50%, then you’d be a jerk. The worst that can happen is the seller says no.

    2. If you don’t want to accept it just say no. I wouldn’t be offended or something. Either don’t respond or just click decline.

36. Posting here instead of the moms site because it seems like there are more moms of older kids on this side.

    Our son went on a camping trip this weekend with his best friend’s family for his best friend’s birthday. I remember sleepovers from when I was my son’s age, and I didn’t expect there to be a lot of sleeping happening – that’s a given. However, son got home yesterday at 3pm having not gone to bed at all on Saturday night (so had been up continuously from 8 am Saturday). He was a cranky little monster until we made him go to bed at 8, and then he was still totally useless this morning. He’s usually great about getting himself ready for school, but 15 minutes past when we absolutely have to leave the house to make it to school and work on time, he was still trying to get dressed and find his stuff. He fell asleep in the car on the way to school and I doubt he’ll be learning much today. He was on time to school but I was late for work (not a huge deal but I am going to have to stay late to make up the time).

    So now I’m wondering if we need to reconsider sleepovers on short weekends, or try to set some type of parameters with the host family. Son has always needed more sleep than most kids and seems more affected by missing sleep than most kids. I don’t want to be a killjoy or have him miss out on fun experiences, but sleepovers are a big thing among his friend group – some kids go to a sleepover almost every weekend – and I can’t have a zombie kid wandering around trying to go to school, play sports, etc. Would love to hear how other moms handle this.

    1. How old?
       I also remember non-sleeping sleepovers as a kid and I’m not sure how i managed after them!

       1. He’s 11.

          1. At 11, I think you should start by talking to him about how you’re so glad he had fun on the sleepover, but you know that he was really tired because he didn’t sleep. Acknowledge that he probably didn’t want to sleep because he didn’t want to miss out on the fun. Remind him that he needs sleep, it’s important for his health, and he doesn’t want to be a zombie who can’t stay awake at school or play sports to the best of his ability. Don’t make it seem really terrible, but just explain that at 11 years old, he has to begin to take some personal responsibility for making sure that he feels his best. Also, don’t have this conversation tonight. Do it in a few days when he’s rested.

             And the next time he has a sleepover, I would remind him that he needs to try to get some sleep during the night. And talk to the parents in advance – ask them to try to get the kids to sleep at a reasonable-ish hour.

             1. Great suggestions. We’ve already had some conversations about “what works for other people vs. what works for me” so this would be a good follow-on discussion.

    2. You say that it was a camping trip. Are you sure that the kids stayed up having fun versus your son not being able to sleep in a sleeping bag camping? I distinctly remember sleepovers where all my friends were snoozing away and I was there in my sleeping bag, wide awake, staring at the ceiling because Jane snored, or the floor was hard, or any other reason.

       1. They definitely stayed up on purpose. :-) the first thing his best friend said to me when I picked my son up was “We stayed up allllll night last night and it was AWESOME!” I was like, oh boy. Friend’s mom was kind of shruggy about it, said she doesn’t really enforce bedtimes at sleepovers because the kids don’t follow them. Which we don’t do a “bedtime” when we host, but we do have a “lights off at midnight” rule which seems to lead to a natural progression of kids falling asleep eventually.

    3. Just say no to sleepovers. He can’t handle them.

       1. I was waiting for the ridiculously overblown snarky piece of advice, thanks for not disappointing me.

          1. Excuse me?!? That wasn’t snarky or overblown. At 11, he can’t handle sleepovers. He isn’t mature enough to insist on sleeping and it makes him miserable to be tired. So you say no to them for now. I was a similar child and my mom just said no for a while.

             1. Oh, so your mom was overprotective and overbearing? That explains a lot about you, probably.

    4. I have a 12-year-old boy who loves sleepovers, but, yes, it’s like dealing with someone with a bad hangover after.

       You could try saying no to sleepovers that aren’t on Friday night so that he had two nights to recover.

       We make ours take a nap the day after a sleepover and go bed early too. And no sleepovers on weekends with an athletic contest.

       1. Ha. To this day, a hangover reminds me of how I felt after sleepovers, when I inevitably stayed up too late and then slept terribly the rest of the night.

    5. The best friend’s birthday camping trip is probably a one-off, right? For regular sleepovers, maybe offer to pick him up at 11 or 12 at night. That’s still pretty late but he can get a decent night’s sleep once he gets home.

       1. This is what we usually do with our 10-year-old who just cannot handle sleep deprivation. We pick her up at 9:00 or 10:00, around the time they are getting into PJs and unrolling the sleeping bags.

          We do allow sleepovers with one or two friends at a time, as long as they are kids we know will actually sleep part of the night. Big groups plus a few individual kids who like to stay up all night are the issue.

    6. Re: setting parameters with the host family. I think you can ask the host parents how they’ll handle bedtime, and then decide if your son will participate or not based on that information, but I don’t think you can make special requests. If your kid likes having sleepovers, but finds it hard to tell his friends that he needs to go to sleep, then encourage him to host more sleepovers at your house so that you can enforce the “lights out at midnight” rule.

    7. I have a 13 y/0 and an 11 y/o. I went through this issue with both of them. I wouldn’t try to micromanage this and I wouldn’t not let him go. This is a great way for your son to learn the importance of sleep so he WANTS to sleep so he doesn’t feel crappy. He is old enough to get the correlation, and you can reinforce it by explaining it too. Trying to enforce a “lights out at midnight” rule is essentially impossible with a group of tween boys.

37. Recommendations for hyperpigmentation products? Not a candidate for lasers/IPL right now or for a few months.

    1. Have you looked into microneedling? My dermatologist recommended it for some acne-related hyperpigmentation.

    2. Following — such bad melasma from pregnancies and now on my final one so looking forward to getting rid of it if possible once baby is born (or once breastfeeding is done if products aren’t safe for that)! Please post experiences with lasers or whatever as well for my benefit :)

    3. Obagi Nu-Derm System (all steps) plus Tazorac (prescription) – but you must use ALL steps consistently without any substitutions.
       IPLs are fantastic but your results really depend on the specific machine/settings used as well as the skill of the person doing them.

       1. This is essentially what I did. I went to a dermatologist who prescribed the Obagi system and tretinoin (a stronger retinoid). The derm said it would give me the same results as the laser but it would take longer to get results and the products would be less expensive than the laser. That’s turned out to be spot on. My melasma and other hyperpigmentation is largely faded.

          You definitely have to use intense mineral sunscreen though in order for it to work. I layer a zinc sunscreen (SPF 30) with a titanium dioxide sunscreen (SPF 50).

    4. Obvie check with your dermatologist first, but Lytera 2.0 has helped me tremendously on post-surgery large area hyperpigmentation, as well as some blemish marks on my neck.

38. OK, closet organization gurus, I need your help. I’ll preface this by saying that I do not have the patience for KonMari-type folding (have tried and failed) nor would my husband follow it and I care more about having him help put away laundry than adhering to an ideal system.

    I have a large closet that seems like it should be easy to keep organized. It is not. I have four 12×12″ built-in cubbies that I’ve been trying to use for t-shirts, tanks, and sweaters. It is a disaster. They hold a lot, but that’s part of the problem. The stacks get messy so quickly, and if I want something in the middle, I have to take apart the whole stack to get what I need. So, how do I make this better? Try some sort of “box” within the cubby — which seems wasteful and maybe another way of hiding the mess? Limit my “stacks” to like 4 shirts, which seems hugely wasteful (and where would the rest of my stuff go)?

    1. A box in the cubbies is your answer! Turn the box on its side when you are putting stuff in it — so you’re creating the stacks you make in your cubbies now. But *then* you’ll put it with the open side facing up when it’s in the cubby, like a drawer! Poof, your stuff is now like files in a filing cabinet. You should be able to just pull one thing out without screwing everything else up.

       1. Oh geez, this is brilliant.

       2. Yes, this! Use the box like a drawer.

    2. I feel you on the full-KonMari approach. The one thing I’ve appreciated and used was changing my sweater or shirt stacks so I can see all of them at once. They’ll stand on their end and that really only works if they’re squished together. I keep mine in a collapsible cube from the Container Store. The sizes I see are too big for your cubby, but there might be a version elsewhere. I get it might feel sort of wasteful to have a box inside a box, but it sounds like an option. Good luck!

    3. I recommend collapsible linen organizers! I have had mine for years and years and find uses for them on every move. I like them because they support the stack of things from falling over, and there is a small front so they can’t fall over, but i can still see all the choices and grab what I need. They are all put together with velcro so if its a tight fit on the shelf you can put it in and then velcro it together, or open the front if you need to get to something at the bottom of the stack:
       https://www.greatusefulstuff.com/collapsible-brushed-cotton-linen-closet-storage-collection.html

    4. Get those hanging baskets that attach to the shelves. You could also get horizontal dividers for the cubbies. Then you don’t have giant stacks of clothes to mess up, but two smaller ones.

    5. I keep socks (balled) & underwear on my shelf space that’s approximately that size, with 6″ high drawers. Not sure if you could install “drawers” (I use old pull out drawers from a sterilite 3 drawer organizer), but any old container that will fit the space will work.

       Not sure how the rest of your closet is laid out (so, if that makes sense), but that’s what I’m doing.

    6. Instead of stacking your clothing, I’d roll it instead. It’s much easier to remove without messing up the rest of the stack. You could also use a shelf divider, like this, to make the space more manageable. https://www.containerstore.com/s/closet/closet-shelf-organizers/clear-shelf-divider/12d?productId=10037179

39. Any advice on how to manage a direct report that has no sense of follow up or urgency? I feel like I’m constantly following up with him for status updates on projects and to make sure that the things he should be doing actually get done, which isn’t sustainable when you have your own work going on and a team of 7 other people who report in to you. I’ve tried implementing a weekly “catch up/status update” meeting with him, but I even have to chase him down to make sure that happens.

    Our job isn’t particularly deadlines-based and involves a lot of independent proactive work, which makes this a little more challenging to address. Any ideas on how to get him to be more proactive and stay on top of things more?

    1. If you’re a manager, you need to manage. Sounds like he is not meeting your expectations. Either he isn’t clear on them, or doesn’t understand that you do not want to babysit him. Explain what you said here. Say that you don’t want to be following up–you want him to be proactive with reporting status and chasing loose ends, because you have a lot on your plate. Tell him that you want status updates on where things are every Monday morning, along with a report on what he did on each project the prior week. Tell him you want this in your inbox by 10am, regardless of whether you’ve pinged him for it…it’s your expectation that it’s done every week. Ask him if he understands and has any questions.

       Plus, even if there is independent proactive work, how do you know he’s getting it done or that this is a good work environment for him?

       Then make sure the status update happens and that his projects are getting done. If you’re still having the same issues, then you have a meeting about how he’s not meeting your expectations as you discussed, because you need X from him, and it doesn’t seem to be happening. This is not to micromanage him–it’s to explain to him what is expected and see if he can get there.

       1. Thank you for this feedback! I genuinely try to avoid micromanagement, so I guess I may be erring so far to the other side of things that I’m not making my expectations clear. I think a candid conversation about what’s expected of him is in order.

    2. I would be very specific with him on your expectations for status updates. For example, my boss was very clear with me when I started: I want bullet points on all items you are working on before our status meeting. You schedule the weekly meeting and be explicit that he must attend.

       Once you’ve been very explicit, if he continues to not meet those expectations, now you have the “not acceptable” conversation. “We discussed my expectations for status updates and meeting attendance. You are not meeting those. This is not optional. What steps will you take to ensure you meet these expectations?”

       1. Yes this, and what MJ said above. I inherited a team with a staff member like this, and it was so frustrating that one person (who was meant to be the most senior of my team and was more than capable) was taking a disproportionate amount of my time and focus for mediocre output. I had to do what they say above, down to daily catch ups and deadlines for everything and refusing to accept work that wasn’t up to standard. There would be improvement for a few days but it would never last. In the end the employee wound up resigning and left very badly. Your situation may not be this – the majority of employees respond very well to clear expectations, deadlines and being held accountable.

    3. One thought, which may not be warranted, but it’s a thought…is there any chance he’s bored and under-challenged? I understand work is an obligation and we all have to do what we’re assigned, but when I was bored and not challenged in a job, my motivation really took a nose dive because it felt like my employer didn’t care that I had more to bring to the table/was capable of more. So I did the work as assigned, I just took my time doing it. Sort of like that “smart kids misbehave/make poor grades because they’re bored in school” argument. I perform a million times better when I’m challenged.

    4. I would send a weekly calendar invite(s) to him – that makes it his responsibility to complete the task and you shouldn’t have to remind him.

    5. He sounds like a rebel. “Rebels resist all expectations, both inner and outer alike. They want to do what they want to do, in their own way, in their own time — and if you ask or tell them to do something, they’re very likely to resist.” Check out Gretchen Rubin’s discussion of rebels, below. Most of it is directed to rebels themselves but it might give you some insights on how to manage him. http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2017/08/four-tendencies-rebels-habits/

40. I’ve been seeing women all over the place wearing two strap slide sandals – anybody know where they’re from? I’ve seen a pair at Target, but the ones I’m after look like they’re probably a little pricier.

    1. Birkenstocks?

    2. I got some at Old Navy, and they were definitely knocked off of something at Nordstrom.

    3. I have the Dolce Vita Pasia and see them everywhere.

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