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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Mixed Up Cotton Blend Jacket

A woman wearing a black/ivory jacket with a white top and black pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale starts today for certain cardmember tiers. Items tend to move fast, but I always have a few that I’m keeping an eye out for, and this cotton-blend blazer from Nic + Zoe is on my wish list. I like the black-and-white texture and the slightly cropped length.

I’d pair it with a black sheath for an easy office look.

The jacket is $135.99, marked down from $188, at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 1X–3X. It also comes in straight sizes XS–XXL.

Sales of note for 12.5

304 Comments

  1. I was invited to a coworker’s housewarming. I am looking for an easy and unlikely to offend gift around $50. My ideas so far are nice bottle of olive oil, fancy hand soap, a bottle of wine (I know she drinks wine), or a small house plant (I know she’s into plants). Will any of these work? Any other ideas?

      1. Off the list, wine is my last choice unless you know something about it. Snobby Californian here ;)
        I’d consider a pack of fresh dish/hand towels, cocktail napkins (this is a personal favorite), and I love good olive oil paired with balsamic vinegar.

        1. People don’t need to pick The Perfect Wine as a housewarming gift. People entertain. If they don’t like your wine then they can put it out for guests. Maybe in the evening’s second round. If you were giving a couple one bottle of wine and nothing else as their wedding gift then yeah you should know what you’re doing, but there’s no need to feel pressure for something like this.

        2. Wine is fine– EVERYONE will be bringing wine, and the host will never in a million years be able to remember who brought what bottle.

        3. Yeah I agree about the wine. A friend brought me a very special bottle that I’ve never forgotten. Everything else was regifted.

        4. As a wine snob, I will say it’s hard to go wrong with a bottle of real French Champagne thought. I am partial to Perrier Jouet among the easy to find brands, but Veuve Cliquot is a classic.

    3. If you know she drinks wine, I don’t think you can go wrong with a bottle. I love plants but don’t personally love receiving them because I don’t always have the space/it may not be my style, etc.

    5. I would do fancy candle over hand soap – can either be used or re-gifted the co-worker. You also can’t go wrong with a home depot gift card.

      1. I thought about this but she has dogs, and I personally don’t use scented candles anymore because my dog mat be affected.

    6. I’d just get a nice bottle of wine and fancy olive oil and call it a day. No one needs another candle or a plant that might not work with their space. I also like a consumable because it reduces long term clutter.

      1. +1 on consumables like wine or olive oil. Most scented products would be unwelcome in my household (fragrance sensitivity means we don’t use much scented, so even scented products that are fine tend to be overwhelming).

      2. I would be thrilled to get fancy olive oil – I have no problem buying wine for myself, but it’s hard to go for the good olive oil when I think to myself, “but the other cheaper stuff is just as good for my purposes…” (and I grew up in a household culinarily basic enough that I consider California Olive Ranch my “good” olive oil.)

        1. Fwiw, you’ll never need to buy salad dressing again if you get good olive oil. It’s great by itself and fantastic with similarly good balsamic and a pinch of salt.

          1. I just buy the Trader Joe’s brand and make my own dressing with salt pepper garlic tahinis and dill. Works great on a Greek salad.

          3. Olive Oil, balsamic vinegar, a ton (like, more than you think) of garlic powder, some lemon, a tablespoonish of herbes de provence and a dash of salt. So good. I do 2 parts olive oil to 1 part vinegar.

          4. This is true. No pre-made salad dressings I’ve tried seem to use good enough base ingredients to compete.

    7. I love receiving fancy liquid hand soap (make sure the container is pretty), because it’s a luxury I like to put in my powder room to impress guests, but rarely feel like shelling out the money myself. It could also be re-gifted if they have some extreme aversion to the scent or something. But I think you need to pair it with something else (like the corresponding fancy hand cream, or room spray, or something, but that gets farther into may-not-like territory).

      1. Aesop is good for this. If you really want to splash out, Le Labo makes home products.

      1. I feel this way but might make an exception for an orchid (for me as someone who can’t keep plants alive and doesn’t want cut flowers, they basically are a very long lasting consumable!).

      2. Consumables for the win, including the plant or an orchid. If the person is like me, she doesn’t want more stuff. I actually don’t like hand cream or candles and like the kitchen towels that I have.

    9. Those gifts are perfect – except for the soap. Some people are picky about that…. no dyes/odors etc..

      I used to always give a potted ficus tree as a housewarming gift. If I didn’t know the person well and wanted to spend less (I ficus tree can be pricier for a nice one), then I favor a nice olive oil. I don’t get alcohol if I don’t know them well.

      If it is a friend/someone I know well, I do the classic trio – a bottle of wine they like/would appreciate, a good salt, and a beautiful loaf of bread/baguette.

    10. Any of those ideas sound great! Other ideas might be things like a welcome mat (even if they have another they prefer, they can keep it in the garage or a back porch), a cake or box of pastries, a gift card to a Lowes or Home Depot, napkins or table mats (Crate and Barrel is usually perfect for this sort of thing), farmers market honey, jam, or syrup with biscuit mix in a basket,….

    11. I prefer consumables; specifically wine because I can go through a bottle in a night :) it might take months to a) finish my existing bottle of olive oil and b) finish the bottle given to me. My kitchen is tiny, so this would be annoying

    12. Anything scented immediately gets trashed at my house, but if you know she likes scents then soap is okay. Olive oil would be my top pick. You could add a nice vinegar, fancy crackers or bread.

      1. Same here with scented stuff – straight away in the trash. Migraines.
        Love wine, gourmet crackers and treats.

    13. My only hesitation about bringing wine to someone’s house is that it often gets put out for guests right away. Even if I put it in a gift bag and bring another bottle to share. If you want to bring something just because it’s impolite not to, that’s totally fine. But I wouldn’t hem and haw over getting a fancy wine only for it to be put on the bar cart with 5 other open bottles.

    14. I’ve been gifted fancy chocolates/truffles (individually wrapped) and it was a great gift! Would never buy for myself – could always regift or put out for guests.

    15. I tend to go with a houseplant. If you get one from a nice place with a pretty pot she will have it forever.

      1. I had to chuckle a bit at “she’ll have it forever” – clearly you have not met someone like me; my house is where plants come to die. But I would still appreciate the gift until I managed to kill the poor plant!

        1. Yes I get that. However OP says friend likes houseplants so…

          I’m sitting here next to a 30 year old houseplant and I have one in another room that a neighbor gave me a cutting from in 1986 when I was a kid.

    16. Any consumable is fine. Wine is fine. It’s truly the thought that counts. Anything could go wrong. You bring a true oenophile a bottle of Yellow Tail or a fancy soap to someone with an allergy to fragrance. You can’t predict

    18. One of the best gifts I’ve gotten was the simple cookbook by ottolenghi with three of the specialty ingredients he uses in the book. (I think it was rose water, pomegranate molasses, and maybe za’atar.). Penzeys spices are also great. Or oaktown spice shop if you want to go with a small business.

      2. I would be very excited about those gifts. I don’t know why someone decided to yuck your yum. And now I will check out oaktown spice shop.

    19. I live by a French bakery and bring an assortment of pastries and tell the host I brought them tomorrow’s breakfast. Especially if someone is hosting a dinner party and may not want to cook/the kitchen may still be a mess the next morning. Most people in my circle have young kids, so even if they don’t want to eat the pastries themselves, the kids are always THRILLED. It is always well received.

  2. Another manager at the same level as me just said that he didn’t think one of his direct reports was ready to be client facing. I agree in part because of lack of experience etc but the manager also said it’s because he’s junior, only 25/26 years old.
    I’m 28.
    Awkward. I just ignored that part of it.

    2. Yeah, also Covid happened. A lot of people have not been, well, people-facing in a couple of years. So I can see how someone even a few years younger than you might be a bit unpolished in the social graces.

    3. Well, it sounds like you are exceptionally mature and capable and on a fast track. I suspect it took your colleague a lot longer to get to the seniority you already have and so his perspective is based on that and not outliers like you, who overperform for their age and experience. But you already know you are going places fast and leaving lesser people behind. Be gracious; he likely doesn’t realize he is dealing with a prodigy and might be embarrassed to find out just how quickly you’ve gotten to a position he had to work a long time to achieve.

      1. Yeah, you gotta look out for those “lesser people” you’re trying to leave behind. (Eyeroll)

        Ageism comes in many forms. I try to call it out when I see it, just as I would an inappropriate comment about race or gender. There is a difference between age and someone who is an early careerist/lacks experience. Things like poise don’t just naturally come with age and shouldn’t be coded as something that someone can’t attain due to age, race, or gender. (And just wait, there are far worse assumptions that come when folks start talking loosely about others at the end of their career.)
        i
        FWIW, I’m a 48 y/o SVP and I would have been bothered by the comment as well.

    4. I’m also 28 and young for my level–I feel like we were the last class to really experience a significant chunk of our careers in 4/5 days a week, butts in seats office culture and it did have an effect on our executive presence/comfort wielding authority/initiative taking/whatever you want to call it.

      Obviously this is a massive generalization but I do think I see a pretty marked difference in me and my peers vs coworkers younger than me, and other older colleagues have commented the same.

    5. When you’re talking about people who probably started their careers at 22, the difference between 3-4 years of experience and 6 years of experience is massive. Your coworker’s comment has nothing to do with you personally, so you were right to ignore it.

  3. I need a backpack I can take to work that holds workout clothes, sneakers and a water bottle plus has room for the occasional stack of papers or iPad. I have been able to fit everything in my Lo&Sons OG, and used it for years for this purpose, but the one sided strap affects my back. I need something more comfortable for walking 10 city blocks or so.

    I am in a BigLaw workplace but I am not set on it looking “elevated” or expensive, so long as it’s professional. That said, I’d spend up to $600.

    Help!

    1. The Tumi backpacks are going to be tight if you have squishy running shoes instead of No Bull trainers. Easy Solution – Go down to your client development office. Chances are your firm has a backpack (from a good brand) with your firms logo on it that will solve this problem. It’s what a lot of guys I know do. If you want to spend money, just go down to REI in person and try on the different backpacks. I learned that I had surprising opinions on which ones I liked and didn’t like.

      1. I have the lo and sons rowledge based on recommendations here and I love it. I got mine on poshmark and it was like new.

    3. It’s not fancy by any stretch, but I carry my workout clothes, breakfast, lunch, and work stuff in my Patagonia Refugio backpack and it works great.

      To save room though, could you commute and sneakers and either keep nice shoes at your desk or slide those in the backpack (since they’re likely to be less bulky)?

    4. Can you at least leave sneakers at the office and get water at the gym so you’re not hauling as much around?

    5. Look at the Lo and Sons Rowledge backpack and the Lululemon backpacks. The larger Rowledge holds more than the OG and I have seen Biglaw attorneys carrying it.

    6. Throwing out a wildcard – a Sarah Wells pumping backpack. I bought one to transport my pumping stuff and never went back. I use the insulated pockets to store my lunch / gym clothes / sneakers.

    7. Lululemon has the best gym bags. So many well thought out compartments usually including a separate shoe space. I had no problem carrying an all black one in my previous office.

    9. I recco this every time this questions comes up and I swear I’m not a paid shill but the Nordace Sienna backpack. It’s perpetually on sale and fits evvvvverything.

  4. Is anyone planning to buy anything special for Prime day? I will probably pick up a couple of Lego sets and beauty products that I noticed were on sale…

    2. Just stocking up on boring things that are on sale (protein powder, toiletries, sandwich baggies).

      I’m also price comparing against other sales too.

      I thought about getting a new Garmin, but luckily for my wallet the model I want isn’t on sale.

      1. What protein powder are you using? I’m thinking about starting but I have a lactose intolerance and most of them seem to be whey-based.

    3. The Coway air purifier recommended by Wirecutter is on sale. It’s my go-to gift for young family members facing air quality issues, so I’m trying to anticipate who might need one next.

    4. My Prime expires later this month and everything in my cart actually increased in price this morning. I rarely shop Amazon these days anyway, so I made the decision to let Prime go and shop elsewhere.

      1. I’m debating this too…. I probably use Amazon prime video more than I shop these days, but that alone isn’t worth the price.

    5. I left my Bose noise-cancelling headphones on a plane last week and am delighted that the replacements are $100 off for Prime Day.

    6. My cat litter is the cheapest I’ve ever seen it (but not officially a deal). I’ll subscribe to the tv channel deals. Haven’t seen much else worth buying- prices on everything else i normally buy are the same or higher than normal.

        1. $.99 per month for Starz, Acorn, PBS, Britbox, some others. Paramount and AMC are only half price this year, though they used to be part of the $.99 deal. I always wait until they have these deals and then binge the shows I want to watch, but maybe that’s why none of these streaming services are making any money…

          1. Ohh Britbox is right up my alley, but I also don’t want to spend more time in front of the tv…..

    7. I’ve had my eye on a walking pad for my office and just got a good deal on one.

      Other than that, will look to see if there are any deals on things we buy anyway.

        1. I ended up with more sunscreen, a bench scraper, and ice roller, my usual mascara at a good price, and a lip stain I’ve had on my list.

    9. Nothing prices have generally gone up $5. per item that I paid $16. for previously ordered eye mask.

    10. No.
      The sale prices are higher than regular prices are locally, so it’s not worth it.

    11. I bought 3 Echo Pops – we use Alexa as an in home intercom, so making sure we have one in every room where needed, plus bought one for each of my girls’ bathrooms, since currently their strategy for having audible music while they are getting ready in the morning is to turn the Echo in their bedroom up to max volume so they can hear it in the bathroom.

  5. I am having laparoscopic gallbladder removal surgery in a few weeks. This is my first time having surgery (aside from my wisdom teeth many moons ago). I’ve talked to other friends who’ve had this procedure and other laparoscopic abdominal procedures, and of course I have the info from the surgeon, but is there anything I can acquire now that will make my recovery a little easier? One friend mentioned that the air they pump in to see everything causes a lot of shoulder pain in subsequent days and found a heating pad helpful (funny that the post-surgery info from the surgeon doesn’t mention this at all). Are there any other things I should consider getting, especially since it’s prime day and I might get a good deal on something? For example, would a wedge pillow help me sleep or rest better, or would that just make the shoulder pain worse? Any other tips or tricks? I will have family around to help out (no kids though, thankfully) in the few days after while I’m recovering, so I won’t be needing grocery delivery or anything like that.

      1. +1, buy or borrow a wedge pillow. I don’t use my recliner much, but it was comfy in the days after my hysterectomy. Give yourself options.
        Stool softener pills. Keeping things moving without much effort was helpful for me. All the muscles in my abdomen were a bit annoyed for a week or so.
        For the referred pain from the gas, sleeping on my side shifted it enough that it wasn’t too bad. The more you can walk and move, the better and more quickly it will dissipate.
        With that said, walk, walk, walk as much as you can as soon as you can.

    2. I have not had this particular surgery, but I have had two surgeries that I think are similar in terms of how much recovery time they take (several days to a week in bed). In my experience, I recovered better when I:
      – prepared healthy, whole food for my husband to feed me after (not that he can’t and doesn’t prepare it for me, but we made sure it was in the house so it was easy for him)
      – did lots of stretches in bed so my body wasn’t unprepared for my first foray out
      – had lots of things to read and watch (for when I couldn’t concentrate to read)

    3. I had a laparoscopic hysterectomy recently and the air they pump in was no joke once it started moving around. Like, screaming in pain worse than childbirth. Thankfully it was very short lived and only that extreme when moving through a particular position halfway between sitting and laying down. I took copious amounts of simethicone and that helped a ton. The air dissipated within a day or two and walking around helped.

      Other than that, surgery recovery was a non-event and I didn’t really need anything specific, just sleep and plenty of fluids.

      1. I had a laparoscopic salpingectomy and would second the simethicone to break down the air that is pumped in. For me, the painkiller prescribed caused stomach upset, so OTCs that are safe for you are good to have around as backup (and as you step down from any prescribed medications), as well as pepto/immodium or a laxative, depending on how your body reacts to pain meds. A heating pad was very helpful. No particular recommendations, and I don’t think you’d need to buy anything – just take it easy, enjoy the excuse to binge watch some easy TV shows, and rest.

        1. I don’t understand the simethicone. Isn’t that for air bubbles in the gut? The laprascopic surgery air is in your body cavity

          1. Not Katie, but I had the same issue and it works somehow. I don’t know. It could be placebo.

    4. Yes I had the shoulder pain from laprascopic surgery. Worse than the incision pain! Good luck.

    5. I’ve heard of the shoulder pain, but I’ve had laparoscopic abdominal surgery and I didn’t have that at all. So hopefully you’ll be lucky like I was!
      And I second the advice to be up and about as soon and as much as you can!

    6. I had laparo for ovarian cysts, that turned out to be more complicates and they had to cut a wider opening.
      After waking up, I was filled with gas to the level it felt my belly would burst. Walking resolved the issue for me – even though I remember clearly I thought the nurse was joking when she told me I should get up and walk; I had a feeling my belly was still cut open and surely the stitches cannot hold it together. Of course, it was safe for me to walk, but it took a lot of convincing as I was still confused, in pain etc.
      I walked around the hospital floor, maybe 6x that day and drank lots of water. I didn’t have a headache or shoulder pain and I was fine with paracetamol as my main pain reliever. I believe that the pain is helping to guide you on what is too much for your condition.
      Learn how to get off the bed properly after abdo surgery and how to lay back.
      My feet were a bit swollen the next day, so I went home in flip flops, I would bring some loose clothes and shoes you can easily slip into.
      Nobody will tell you but we all dreaded the first pooping and they wouldn’t release me from the hospital before that. What worked was eating fresh veggies and a warm porridge.
      After I got home, I was on my own (it was the height of covid). I had made easy-to-digest meals ahead and has them in fridge & freezer and I really appreciated it after surgery. I ate lots of fresh veggies, soups, simple meals with lots of fibre and drank lots of water to keep digestion working. I was able to eat only tiny portions, it took some time to build apetite. I took soluble fibre as well.
      I added one cushion to each side of belly to help me sleep on back. I was wearing leggings and underwear that had wide elastic band.
      I continued doing short walks 3x day – literally going to the end of the street and back to prevent blood clots. I also had to take blood thinners injectionally (I am scares of needles, so… fun).
      Overall, I slept and chilled a lot, but made sure i moved for 10mins every hour and did the short walks. I was listening to audiobooks or watching movies as a background.
      I tried working one week after. If you have to, you could do it, but I still felt tired, very uncomfortable and decided to I take one more week off.
      I kept massaging the scar to prevent adhesions, you will find plenty videos online. You don’t need any special cream. I have been using silicone patches, but not sure if they helped. After 2 years, the scars are flat, thin white lines, which I don’t mind.
      The first day in hospital was the toughest of the whole experience due to the abdo pain, but as I said, walking helped.

      1. Thanks for sharing your experience! From your spelling, I’m assuming you’re in the UK. The US being the US, my procedure is outpatient and I’ll be going home an hour or two after I wake up (procedure itself takes an hour). Did you stay the night because of the bigger cut, or was that part of the plan from the start?

        Good point about the pain guiding you on what you can handle. I’ve never taken a narcotic painkiller but I know they will be prescribed. I’ll expect to need those for the first 2-3 days but I also have plenty of Advil and Tylenol to fill the gaps and for after those couple days. I’m definitely planning on taking a lot of short walks to get moving and hopefully ease the pain (and making the pooping easier – the less you do the less you doodoo!).

        1. I am from Central Europe, so different approach to healthcare, yes :) It is still considered a major surgery here and doctors prefer to keep patients under supervision for the first night and release them the next day after morning visit. My doctor asked me to stay one more day&night and I was released the next morning (so 2 nights at the hospital). I recovered very well, probably due to overall good fitness level and the walks.
          If they release you the same day, which I know is standard in the US, just be ready to overcome the shock of waking up with ripped belly and people expecting you to walk.
          Don’t be afraid to take the painkillers you need to manage the pain in the first days. I was told paracetamol was the safest (for me) as it wouldn’t increase risk of blood clots. I was in pain only the first day due to the ‘gas’ pain, other days, the pain levels were fine. I was just in general discomfort and tired and wanted the whole world to just give me a break.
          Good luck with the surgery & recovery! Take it easy the week after and you’ll do great :)

        2. Ask your provider if it’s possible to stay overnight and it still be coded outpatient! The hospital where I had my hysterectomy calls it a “23 hour outpatient” procedure. I can’t speak highly enough of how they did it. By the time I went home the next morning, I felt generally functional, just sore and was fine to be home, just chilling (I live alone). I would not have been nearly as confident of being ok had I gone home the afternoon of my surgery.
          The only thing it impacted for me was it narrowed my options for when I could schedule my surgery, since the observation unit doesn’t work weekends and goes home fairly early on Fridays, so my surgery was Wednesday and home Thursday.

    7. I had a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy last year and had a pretty easy time of it. I did have some shoulder soreness but more of an ache. My incisions healed great. I didn’t actually end up using any pain relief. The only thing was I was WAY, WAY more tired than I thought I would be. My surgeon recommended two weeks off, so I took 10 days and I sure could have used those extra four. Don’t be like me – take the time you need to recover.

      I walked a good deal (and napped) and resumed running a couple of weeks later or so – weights in about 6 weeks. Hopefully you’ll be like me only treating yourself a little kinder at the front end. Don’t plan a bunch of projects to do on your “time off”. You need that for healing! Good luck!

    8. I’ve had 3 abdominal surgeries, one was laparoscopic, one was a c-section, third was also open surgery and I also had a vaginal childbirth, and the best thing for recovery was walking. Be gentle to yourself and walk slowly, but go outside, build up to longer walks, but get out and walk. Also colace (stool softener). Walking gets things moving through your bowels and also engages your core. Good luck!

    9. I agree that moving and stretching as much as possible will be helpful. On the pain, I was not prescribed narcotics (laparoscopic appendectomy) and did not need or want them, but I did start with the maximums of ibuprofen and Tylenol. I felt fatigued for a few days and the air bubbles were bothersome but I had no difficulty with walking or other activities.

    10. I had a lap. surgery and I found gas x or something with the active ingredient simeticon very helpful. Anesthesia can make you constipated and prune juice or dried prunes can be good to take in the first few days. You may have little appetite and a short energy battery life for a few days after the surgery. Depending on how long your surgery is and if you get a catheter cranberry juice can be helpful for preventing UTIs

  6. Loved the dated fashion discussion yesterday! Looking through NAS, I see that the more expensive brands, L’Agence, etc. are featuring shorter, more fitted blazers, although there are plenty of long boxy ones in the sale as well. Still teetring on dated/not dated myself, but like another poster said, maybe aiming for 50+% not dated is good enough!

    1. I think that it’s usually the overall look that makes you look dated or not, which is the sort of subtle, hard to capture thing that makes a lot of these comments kind of useless, for lack of a better word, or at least open for much debate. Like DVF dresses are not in right now but styled the right way on a person who otherwise looks current they will look good and perfectly unobjectionable.

      I also think that as with everything fashion-related, execution matters. You can have false eyelashes that look like you just have really great lashes and false eyelashes that make you look like one of those open/close eyed dolls from the 60s. They are not the same. This also goes for highlights, tans, make up, hair lengths, shoes, etc. It’s kind of like the difference between wearing a 1970’s costume and something that is just 1970’s inspired. And, yes, that is trickier to pull off if you lived thru it the first time around.

      3. Agreed. I’m the one who asked about DVF dresses. So let’s say I want to keep it and make it look more modern. What would you do?

          1. Yep. I think a block heel, loafer or slide would be good (basically some shoe that’s in now). Maybe some thin gold hoop earrings.

        2. How I wore it in 2009 – stilettos, pearls, basically Mad Men’ing it up. Thinking about switching it up for today, modern shoes – probably flats – no necklace, hoops.

      4. The devil being in the details is probably the reason I struggle so much with clothing. It takes me forever to see how a trend has changed or evolved, by which time it has changed again. The good news is that I don’t care deeply that I’m not trendy, but I wish that my eye would pick up on the changes more quickly. I’m chronically behind. With that said, I really enjoyed yesterday’s discussion and found it helpful. As I read the thread, I thought I wish we had those conversations more often here because they’re very useful for people like me.

      5. So much of execution is in proper fit and the body’s size, shape, proportions, etc all affect proper fit…

      6. Me, I like my false eyelashes to look like centipedes. So thick and lush and natural in appearance!

    2. I bumped into our payroll person in the breakroom yesterday and she was wearing a sort of teal/turquoise sheath dress that might ostensibly be dated, but she had on black point-toe block heels and a silver bangle, and the whole effect was very cute and up to date, IMO. A few years ago I was pairing a similar color with round-toe nude heels, and that would be awfully dated now.

  7. I’m realizing through therapy that I really don’t know how to have a romantic relationship. The whole concept of having needs in a relationship and asking your partner to meet them is new to me. I’m having a hard time identifying what my needs are. What are your needs in your romantic relationships?

    1. I find my needs come screaming to the front when they aren’t being met ha. Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? That’s a great foundational read for relationships.

    2. it comes down to respect I think, which is reflected in pretty much all aspects of a relationship. Respect in shared upkeep of your home, taking your time and preferences into account when making plans, communicating clearly and kindly, gardening preferences, etc.

    3. Some emotional needs I learned to vocalize are “I just need to vent right now”, “I need some alone time”, “I need cuddles”, “I need you to make this trivial decision right now because I am too tired” and making a habit of checking in with each other often.

      1. “I need you to make this trivial decision right now because I am too tired” is too, too real.

        1. that one’s a work in progress! Unfortunately, sometimes it’s just a snappy idgaf. But we have conversations about decision making fatigue and extend grace when either of us is cranky occasionally.

    4. Being respectful of each other’s differences. I’m with a classic introvert, and he needs alone time on a regular basis, and he may not always be up for social events. We’ve come to an understanding that he can bow out of something if he needs to, but I will also be clear if it is important to me for him to be at an event with me and he’ll make the effort. Conversely, I need more emotional sharing and interaction than he does, as well as social time with others. We may not relate to each other’s needs, but we try to respect them, and not discount them, and help each other get what they need, even if it’s not what is most convenient for us. I don’t always “get” why something is important to him, or why something bugs him, but I do my best to take him seriously when expresses these things to me, and expect the same in return, for the sole reason that it is important to him. Of course were not perfect and there are limits, but ultimately we like each other, and want to be supportive and not hurtful towards the other.

  8. Argh… sending a vent out into the void.

    The hiring manager did a hard sell on the job, and they wanted an answer straight away but now HR hasn’t issued my contract, and every day they delay makes it less likely I’ll be in post on day 1 of the autumn semester (3 month notice period with some flexibility)

    The dean who made the offer seemed surprised/annoyed I wanted the negotiated pay bump in writing before I’d give notice, so that’s been awkward. I keep trying to remind myself that this job will be loads better for my family life, but I’m struggling to get excited about it.

    1. That is crazy. No sane person would give notice until the contract on the new job was fully executed.

      1. Academic deans aren’t exactly known for a) being rational or b) understanding anything about HR.

        1. +1 in health care, and that was dealing directly with HR. They somehow expect you to be comfortable giving notice without the hire yet being complete.

          Red flag on someone who is “surprised/annoyed” that this doesn’t work for you.

  9. Help a girl out! What happens at a hotel spa? I’m going to the Cosmo Las Vegas spa in a few weeks as a mini reunion with 3 close grad school friends. I never had money growing up (and am still frugal now). The only spa service I’ve had is a bridesmaid mani/pedi before a wedding 10 years ago. I’m looking online and it looks like I have to pay $60 to access the spa in general – but then I pay extra for every service? Is this just to sit in the waiting room or do some people pay $60 and go to the … spa pool? I’m having a really hard time picturing what happens, let alone what I should buy. Does this usually take all afternoon? Do people talk and catch up or is it really quiet? I think the others are doing massages and facials and I am a little embarrassed to ask them how this works/how long it’ll take/what it’ll cost. Any suggestions for how to figure it out and/or what to do? I don’t want to miss an afternoon of catching up but maybe that doesn’t happen anyway… My budget could do around $200 including tip but if that’s not doable I can always relax in my room while they go to the spa!

    1. So first up, it’s probably out of your budget unless you go the mani-pedi route. Massages likely start around $300, give or take. That said, if they offer access for $60, that’s a great deal and there’s plenty to do while your friends get treatments. Spas are pretty quiet but you do chat depending on where you are in there. They usually have hot tubs, saunas, steam rooms, quiet rooms and areas to hang out. You wear a robe and chat and use the amenities while you wait for your treatment. There’s usually magazines, fancy water and light snacks too.

      1. Oh it can absolutely take all afternoon depending on how long people want to hang out. The idea is it’s a nice environment to relax in.

      2. I agree with this and will add that people get that spas are expensive and that treatments take up a lot of time. I did a spa day with friends from law school and only one person did two treatments, even though we could mostly afford it. The rest of us did just one, and I don’t think anyone would bat an eye if you said you’d rather just enjoy the amenities while you read a book and chat.

    2. Typically, if you pay for any treatment (massage, facial, etc.) it includes access to the spa amenities itself. Generally, the spa pools are nicer and more chill that the regular pools – think of it as a resort within the resort. Coordinate with others in the group re timing of appointments so that you can hang out together at the spa.

    3. Call the spa and see what the fee covers. Some places you also have access to a small pool.

    4. I think the spa pool is much quieter than the rooftop areas, maybe with no windows or view, tranquil music, and you can bring a book/chat quietly with your friends.

    5. Hi! I went to that spa this spring and it was lovely! You’re right that it’s a fee to have access to the spa area. That’s a great array of pool, steam room, sauna, relaxation lounge, etc. Then you can add on a service like a massage, scrub, or whatever you like. My friend and I each got a massage, but we arrived early to enjoy some soaking and relaxing, then went to our appointments, and then did a little more soaking/steaming afterwards. I’d say it’s pretty quiet; there are some smaller groups with hushed conversations, but not a ton of talking from what I saw. I love hot water soaks so that was a fun afternoon for me.

      1. I’m another person who has never been in a spa. Does one wear a swimsuit in the pool, sauna, etc or no?

        1. I always do and so do most people in the US. I’ve had a different experience in Japan.

        3. These tend to be suit-optional because the areas are separated by gender. I’m a fan of the optional part, but you’ll a mix of people in or out of suits.

          1. It’s so weird. There’s a spa near me and I used to go once in a while as it was a standard gift card present from my husband. The spa pool was a totally naked experience. Then I went with my sister in another city and she and I were the only naked ones. It was weird.

    6. I just looked on their website and this is a full service spa with steam, etc. The $60 is the price of a day pass for Monday through Thursday, which is pretty typical for Vegas spas. If you purchase a treatment of $100 or more, you do not need a pass. Access is included. When looking at your budget, remember the 20% gratuity. The least expensive massage is $180.

      So the question is whether to book a massage for $180 + 20% or just the day pass.

      I have not been to that particular spa but most of them have posted quiet area if they want people to be quiet (it looks like they have a “serenity lounge”. Mid-week is not likely to be crowded so just keep you eyes open for people not in your group and be considerate. Bring a bathing suit; most spas do not require them but their website is not super clear and you do not want to get there and find out you need one.

      And yes – these kinds of places usually have snacks, flavored water, places to hang out and people often stay for hours.

      1. I would just enjoy the spa with a book and good drink and snacks. I’d love the peace and quiet even while my friends are getting treatments. I need a lot of downtime when with friends.

  10. I had a brunch get together recently and realized that I would like to serve people coffee/tea in pretty tea cups instead of my random, gigantic mugs. Drinkware/kitchen stuff is not my wheelhouse, but I am getting into it! I am not sure where to look for this. Show me some beautiful teacup sets.

      1. +1 I noticed an entire shelf of pretty teacup sets at my local goodwill not too long ago. I admired them but had to reason to take home. My grandma works at a charity thrift store and says they get china sets in all the time and no one wants them anymore; so they end up at the thrift stores.

    2. I like Replacements, they have vintage and dead stock pieces at all price points.

    4. You may have good luck at a local thrift store if you’re just starting to experiment and want to have a more modest budget!

    5. I love cups! Depends on your style – are you looking for something that looks like an old timey English tea set or something more modern? What is your budget?

      For old timey styles, my best finds are from antique and thrift stores (you can check Etsy as well), but you can find plenty of traditional cups and saucers in regular stores and places like Homegoods, etc. I think quality can really vary here – if you’re getting a delicate looking tea cup, it should be thin porcelain and feel nice in the hand (a lot of the cheaper ones in that style are thick and feel kind of rough). You usually won’t go wrong with something made in England but that can be hard to find these days.

      For something more modern, I love Marimekko and Iittala (they have both smaller porcelain mugs and cups/saucers).

      For something more traditional but still done in a contemporary way, check out Emma Bridgewater (big summer sale now).

      Anthropologie sometimes has really pretty cups, though quality can vary.

      For a readily available traditional and reasonably priced pick that is durable and dishwasher safe, check out Johnson Brothers – I have a blue and white set that I use for coffee that feels/looks nice enough and I don’t worry about breaking. Spode has a similar style if you want an upgrade pick. Also mostly dishwasher safe.

    7. thrift stores or go to the third or fourth day of estate sales when it is 50-75% off. This stuff is almost always still there. I recently bought white tea cups at one for this reason

    8. Older tea sets are going to have very low capacity compared to what people expect these days. (I have three older sets of china)

      These tea cups are larger capacity and I use them every day. If you’re getting several I’d be tempted to mix and match.

      Taimei Teatime Ceramic Coffee Cup and Saucer Set, 14.5 oz Large Jumbo Coffee Mug and Plate Set in British Rural Style with Handpainted Floral Pattern, Teacup and Saucer Set for One, Blue https://a.co/d/5ivQz7M

    9. If you’re new to this, start with thrift stores. These things are everywhere second hand because no one wants great-grandma’s good china these days. You’ll be able to mix-and-match to your heart’s content and not spend much money doing it.

    12. Are you in NYC? I have so many inherited sets of China tea cups in near perfect condition I’d be happy to pass on

  11. Did anyone get the HPV vaccine later in life? How old were you?

    When the HPV vaccine was approved it was for women/girls younger than me so I never got it. I am now over 45 (the limit for insurance to cover it), and I am disappointed in myself (and my doctors) for not encouraging me to get it.

    I am actually HPV negative, so I want to get it now. It is an amazing vaccination and if it can help prevent me (and my partners!) from getting cancer, it seems crazy not to get it. My new gynecologist was a little surprised when I asked about it, but admitted there wasn’t much of a downside and said she would write a script if I want it.

    But it is expensive to pay for cash. Like $750 for all 3 shots.

    But I think its worth it if it can protect me from cancer….

    1. Are you sexually active enough with multiple partners (with unknown virus status) that you feel like HPV infection is a risk? The vaccine only prevents cancer caused by infection with the virus. If you are negative now, you’d have to contract HPV from someone for the vaccine to do anything for you. If that’s your situation, then just pay out of pocket to get the vaccine. Fyi, when my son got vaccinated for HPV they gave him a talk about how the cancers caused by HPV usually have signs (like warts or lesions or bleeding), so it’s important to be vigilant and get checked out if you see something out of the ordinary. Personally I would just rely on annual paps to catch anything, unless you are seriously sexually active and regularly having sex with people you don’t know very well.

      1. Why would being “seriously sexually active and regularly having sex with people you don’t know very well” matter? All she needs is one new person to potentially put her at risk. Most people with HPV – men especially – don’t know they have it. So how well she knows the person is largely irrelevant, as are condoms, etc.

        OP, I was also ineligible when it came out and am in a Long term committed relationship now but if I started dating again, I would almost certainly get it.

        1. HPV can take years and years to develop into cancer, which is why they recommend people get it as early as possible. If someone is 12 – or 25 – when they get the vaccine, then they’re protecting themselves for a large number of years, where they’re going to have sex with probably a larger number of sexual partners than most people have between the ages of 45 and 65. Maybe OP is getting her thang on with many partners and if so – good for her! Get it girl! The number of partners she has absolutely increases her chances of exposure to the virus, but I’m not sold that given her age the vaccine is better for her than just getting routine exams/paps and getting checked out of something untoward pops up on her genitals.

          If what I said came across as judgmental, that’s not what I intended. I am just not thinking that a 45-year old has the same time horizon for infection with HPV and development into cancer as, say, a 25-year-old. If I were OP I’d be way more concerned about breast cancer, even if I had multiple partners.

          1. What I am saying is that if she has even 1 new partner, it may be worthwhile and what the comment by Anon at 11:08 implies is that it only matters if you’re sleeping with many people who you “don’t know very well” which seems both wrong and kind of judgey.

            I am not disagreeing that benefits are greater if you get it when you’re young. Obviously. The question is should OP get it at her stage of life and I would say that if she is dating/planning to date new people (however few or many), the answer is probably yes.

        2. Because if you’re with the same person for years and don’t have it, it’s likely they don’t either. I never got it, it was invented after I already aged out, but I’ve been with my husband for over a decade and don’t see the point now.

          2. Not that poster but my OB gave me the same advice – unnecessary for HPV negative monogamous women. You can always get it later if you get divorced or spouse dies.

          3. And when your spouse cheats on you, you may have WISHED you had got the shot already…. now that you are HPV positive.

            And I’m sure all of the doctors out there who are so attentive to women’s health needs have on their checklist, be sure to remind the OP to get her HPV vaccine when her spouse dies. Like, I see that happening never.

      2. Yeah, HPV can absolutely be carried and transmitted by men who have zero symptoms, and there is no approved HPV test for men. That’s why it’s so common and difficult to protect yourself from other than via the vaccine. Certainly multiple partners increased risk, but even if you only have one he could be infected and would be very unlikely to know unless he has symptoms. I know someone who got HPV from her first and only partner (now husband); he’d only had a small number of prior partners himself.

      3. HPV is easy to contract from areas that are not covered by condoms. Don’t s1ut shame OP. She’s doing something sensible for her health and for public health.

      4. Um what? What an uninformed and judgmental take. It makes no difference how well you know the person when considering any type of STI. The partner could be unaware that they’re infected. Having multiple partners increases the chance of contracting HPV but it only takes one partner to transmit it. There’s still a possibility with just one partner so that shouldn’t play into your decision.

        Also…people cheat. No one thinks it will happen to them but statistically it happens to many people. Being in a relationship doesn’t lower your chance of contracting HPV to zero.

    2. I did it when I was 32 and had to pay out of pocket at that time. Like you, I was HPV negative, and I was starting to date again after being single for all of my 20s. The money was worth the peace of mind for me, and I could afford to do it.

    4. Personally I would absolutely pay out of pocket for it. I simply wouldn’t trust a partner even though it’s ‘common’ it’s worthwhile IMO to try and protect yourself.

    6. I had to fight both the doctor’s office and the insurance company to receive the HPV vaccine at 27, about 8 years ago. I ended up paying for the first shot out of pocket but getting the next two covered by insurance. I actually hadn’t ever been to a gynecologist until I was 27, so it was one of the first things I asked for.

      It’s such a small amount of money in the scheme of things that I can’t imagine not getting it however late it may feel. I lost my aunt to cervical cancer last year. She was 65.

    7. I’m 38 and I just had my first shot! My doctor explained the reason why it’s not given to older women is because a) they’re in monogamous relationships at that point or b) They already have HPV by that age. But I’m single and planning to (hopefully) have more partners in my lifetime so it made sense for me. I don’t think there’s any harm in it. The shot didn’t hurt at all and I didn’t have any side effects.

    8. I’d do it. I seem to have unusually stubborn HPV and had a LEEP procedure a few years ago to remove extensive abnormal cells on my cervix. Not cancer, but certainly not fun. There’s no HPV test for men, so you can’t really “know” their status. Most people get infected with it at some point. It’s a very difficult virus to protect yourself from.

    9. I did it at the age of 37. It works at every age and if I can decrease the risk of cancer, I will take the action. Also, it was 100% covered by my employer.

    10. Thanks so much everyone.

      I will get it.

      I am not in a long term relationship, but hope that I will be in several more before the end…. And with the number of folks who are not monogamous, or who cheat, or who don’t keep up on re-testing, it seems short-sited not to consider it.

      1. I got mine at 45, married and monogamous. I had 100% insurance coverage, and I would have been able to afford the 750, but I would have cut corners a bit to be able to afford it. I am also an STI scientist. Cancer risk aside, I like the increased prevention against getting genital warts. Even with my insurance coverage, a prescription from my PCP, and FDA approval for my age range, my pharmacy always had to do an override to give me each shot. In retrospect, I would have gone to planned parenthood, where I assume they could have gotten it right at least once. Like some others have said, I understand HPV is spread through contact, not just intercourse, condoms, provide incomplete protection, There is no test for men, and it only takes once. I like the protection in case of death, divorce and dirtbags

      2. My doc said that even if you’re HPV positive (I am!), and no longer have a cervix (mine’s gone, WOOHOO!), that it can lessen the likelihood of HPV-caused cancers in other areas of the body. I got my first dose at 44 and finished at 45.

    11. I am 39 and i just got mine last year. when it first came out the upper limit on age was really low (like 25 or so?) and i was already too old. by the time they revised the guidelines i was too busy with other life stuff to worry about it ( and not having secs) i finally got it when i went in for some other vaccine and they rattled off a list of vaccines someone my age should have had already so i just added it on. like you said, there’s no downside and there is a potential upside.

    12. I got it at 44. I was single and long celibate at the time, but life changes and it wasn’t my plan to remain celibate forever. The women suggesting they don’t need it “bc happily married” could be in for a rude awakening in their 40s and 50s and 60s when both marriages and spouses die. And yes, people at that age do have sex, even if their sterile and boring prior marriages were largely sexless. Also, the point about getting checked for signs of cancer may be sort of valid, but I’d prefer not to get infected in the first place and, a point overlooked, is that the vax can prevent you from passing the virus to a partner who could develop mouth/throat cancer which is a horrible disease and even if caught early it’s just better to avoid it.
      I will say my doctor’s office was terrible and inappropriate when I asked for it, but F them. So bizarre to have sex and STD protection be a taboo/cause for judgment in an OB/GYN practice.
      Get the shots!

    13. I got it when I was 42 – my third shot was right before the Covid lockdown. I do kind of remember the shots really smarting for a few days afterwards, but that’s about it.

      Look at it this way: if there was a fatal disease that you could ensure that you would not get for $750, would you do it? (How angry would you be with yourself later if you get HPV or cervical cancer, and knew you could have avoided it for $750?) I think $750 is a pretty low price to pay for at least not having to smack yourself on the head later on.

    14. Something like 80% of American women get HPV at some point in their life and then of the cases 90% recover in 6 months – 2 years. HPV in the vast majority of contracted cases is then unnoticed and temporary, it is not for life. There are hundreds of strains of HPV, the majority without any symptoms at all, and only some strains lead to cancer. Getting regular paps is not the only way to identify HPV (if abnormal cells are found), there is also a blood test, but most providers do not offer the blood test first because it is more expensive and HPV is so, so common. The vaccine protects against the high risk for cancer strains, but not against the (large) number of innocuous strains. Getting the vaccine at any point is possible!

  12. What are your favorite restaurants in Buenos Aires? I am taking my mother there in August for her 65th birthday, but it’s my first time there too.

    1. La Brigada is very traditional and touristy, but the food and the staff are amazing, make a reservation. I’m sure there are a lot of great trendier places, but if you want at least one traditional parilla, I’d go there (it was pricey, but the dollar-peso rate is bonkers right now, so it will probably be pennies compared to any upscale steakhouse in the US).

    2. ILatina if you can get a reservation. One of the best meals I had in my life. Compared to the 1K Michelin restaurants in NYC at 10% of the cost!

  13. Another gift suggestion request – my best friend is taking me to the Taylor Swift concert and hosting me at her home for the weekend. I want to give her something lovely as a thank you (and not a gift card). Budget is roughly $300-500. Ideas? Her style is classic but on the Nancy Meyers side.

    1. I would probably do Jo Malone diffuser plus a sweater from La Ligne (I like the Mini Marina or the Marina styles best). You could add in a bottle of champagne or other alcohol if she drinks.

      1. No to a diffuser, they give many people breathing problems or migraines.

        Champagne is a great suggestion!

      2. Thank you! This and the other gift suggestions got me on the right track. I ended up going with a white and warren cashmere travel wrap and Diptyque candle (I’m flying there so need to be mindful of liquids). Appreciate the suggestions greatly!

    2. I know you said no gift card but $500 would be enough for a gift card at a fancy restaurant so she could splurge on a meal.

      1. I really like this idea! Having the excuse to try XYZ fancy restaurant would be amazing to me.

  14. Anyone have a midweight to light weight vest they like? After a pretty mild fall and some chilly spring days in my part of the midwest I realized a vest would be a good addition to my outwear collection. I mix and match layers and get warm pretty quickly, and want another option for layering over sweatshirts, longsleeves, or under a light jacket.
    I’m meh on the look of the ubiquitous sweater vest after years of seeing them on my commute.

    3. I have two from 32 degrees and I wear them a lot. I’m not wild about the look of any vest, but it’s just right for the chill in the air we have pretty much all the time here in the Bay Area.

  15. Does anyone have the Waterpik toothbrush system? My dentist recommended I consider this as I still have all 4 wisdom teeth and they are FAR back in my mouth. Does anyone have this and like it? As someone who usually buys $3 toothbrushes the price is a bit of a shocker but it is on sale for Prime Day.

    1. The idea of cold water shooting directly onto my teeth sounds horrifying. I don’t let the hygienist do that to me either. And yes I use sensodyne and do everything I can for the cold sensitivity but it is what it is.

      1. I do! I bought the portable one, that you can use in the shower, otherwise it can get messy. Also, I fill the basin with warm water, I find it easier to deal with than cold water. I like it a lot and my dentist sees a big difference too.

      3. I have one but my old apartment w bathroom was cold in the winter so I’d don’t use it often. Hopefully I can use it more in my new one. I’d buy it if it’s on sale but I also don’t think it’s necessary if you floss daily.

    2. Yes, I have one and I like it, except that I got out of the habit of using it when I was pregnant because my gums were bleeding so much already I didn’t want to make it worse. My dentist recommended it because of gum retention issues. You can turn the dial to be more or less powerful, and you can fill the water reservoir with warm water if temperature is an issue. It’s very loud, but it does clean well. I have a countertop model, and in hindsight I might have preferred one I can use in the shower, since I would probably use it more regularly there. It’s much easier than flossing your back teeth, for sure.

    3. My kids’ orthodontist recommended the waterpik flosser to use with their braces (in addition to regular flossing.) They like it and it really helps keep their teeth clean.

    4. It’s sooooo satisfying, like a power wash for your mouth. I’m always surprised to see how much it brings out.

      2. Yes! I use it with warm water and it’s so refreshing. It’s kind of like the biore strips for your skin – you think your mouth is clean, and then you waterpik, and it turns out there’s a whole other level of clean.

    6. Yes. Got one for the same reason as you, and I really liked it. Noticeably improved my gum health. I stopped using it because I moved internationally and didnt buy one that worked on higher voltage and now the wisdom tooth I really didnt want removed needs to come out. I just hadthe cordless one, not the big boxy one, and it works fine for everyday.

    7. My husband faithfully uses his nightly and his teeth are doing much better. I’m a flosser. He’s a water-pik-er. I can’t recommend his specific model because it’s outdated but I guess I can tell you they last a while based on this.

      He bought a store brand one first and the motor on that died within a few months.

  16. Venting because it seems like every dang year I manage to have a series of in-person, outdoors (or involving lots of walking) meetings with senior folks on a super hot/humid day. I have a breezy cotton shirt dress (bless you brooks brothers for making one every year) that I know will look presentable even as I’m a sticky mess but I just HATE the feeling of clammy sticky skin and the outside heat vs. inside meat locker temperatures. Plus the heat/humidity is aggravating my eczema which had been well controlled. I booked myself a massage on Thursday as a ‘you can do it!’ treat but still, ugh.

    1. My job requires me to do lots of walking/ bending around hotel corridors and meeting rooms while dressed business-casually, so I get you here sis. I swear by a travel pack of water wipes in my bag for a quick wipe-down to help me feel refreshed vs. a wet dishrag.

    2. Greetings from someone who was sweating on her morning commute and is now shivering at her desk. If I’m still chilly while wearing jeans, closed toe shoes, and a blazer then the office is too freaking cold!

      For the hygiene issues: baby wipes for your body once you get inside followed by unscented lotion on your eczema-prone areas. Hand sanitizer on your armpits kills the smelly bacteria that feed on your sweat. Put on a p-nty liner before the outdoor session then take it off once you’re back inside to keep your underwear fresh.

      1. +1 to all this. Have worked in various sweaty jobs. I also kept a spare bra and pair of undies hidden in my desk for the really swampy days.
        Also recommend Lume deodorant.

  17. Had anyone moved states because the state-level politics are totally opposite of what you believe? I’m not trying to start a red vs blue fight- specific beliefs aside, if you had the option, did you/would you?

    2. Nope. My parents followed us here and I don’t feel like it’s fair to uproot them. That said, never say never, and I think I’d move if state policies were negatively impacting my family directly. The most likely scenario I can think of is if I had a tr*ns child.

    3. No, but I moved from a place where I felt like a political outsider to a place where I feel less that way, and I was surprised what a difference it made to how I felt? I didn’t realize how draining it was to be expected to agree with people politically (though there were also some class/background aspects to that as well).

    4. My husband and I are very thankful we didn’t relocate to Austin when so many of our friends were moving there and exhorting us to do the same. Some of those people have essentially fled the state now, and moved to Colorado. Which – I do regret not moving to Boulder in 2005 when my husband was offered a job up there by a buddy of his who’d moved there.

      In answer to your question: if we lived in Texas, Florida or other LGBT-unfriendly states we would absolutely have left by now, because our son is gay and deserves better than to grow up in an environment where people hate him for who he chooses to love.

    5. We didn’t move because of politics, but politics were a factor in our departing our old area and in choosing our new area.

      We’re pretty middle of the road people – there are (conventional) Republican policies we like and Dem policies we like. But we were too far out of step with our ultra right wing neighbors in our old area, so when we started talking about moving, choosing somewhere where we felt comfortable was a factor. We now live in a purple pocket in a deep blue state, and that works for us.

    6. We are blue people in a blue state, but there’s no way we would ever move to a red state and if our state turned deep red we would absolutely consider moving.

    7. A friend from college just did. The family is very politically engaged (canvasses for politicians they support, meet with elected reps, advocates for causes, etc.) but could not stop their state from passing anti-tr@ans laws, and they have a tr@ns child. So they moved. I think they would have been ok with staying in their prior state and continuing to be engaged, but these new laws would make them criminals for getting medical care that their child will need soon so they got out.

      I’ve never left a state because of politics, but I know there are states I would never move to because of it (my current state is largely in line with my political beliefs). I also would need to think hard about even visiting certain states as a tourist, to avoid giving those state governments my tax dollars.

    8. No, we haven’t had to move out but we’ve consciously decided to not move to: my husband actively ranked some great residency & fellowship programs lower on his match list where state politics were a contributing factor.

    9. If the laws were directly impacting my family I would move. Otherwise I would want to stay to vote for my party. Like others have said, if I had a trans child I would move asap!

    10. No, but given the political climate, my state is the only one I feel safe in anymore (CA) so that would keep me from moving.

      1. CA is the only state you feel safe in? Can you explain why? It’s not even the bluest state.

        1. Because we have a big enough economy to stand alone from other states and the federal government.

          1. *1. We are a net exporter of tax dollars to other states, and could stand alone in our own.

      2. This is so interesting to me. As a liberal, I view CA as one of the least safe states due to climate change. From flooding to droughts to forest fires, California has it all.

    11. Maybe. We live in MA and my husband is from TX. He actually laughed in the face of his parents when they asked him when he’d be moving back a few years ago.

      Readers, we are in our 40s and moved to MA right after college. His parents are in deep denial. His parents also have Fox News on 24×7.

    12. I am seriously considering doing this (I posted a few weeks ago with questions about moving to the Twin Cities).

      Honestly, I’m just tired. I do all the things, donate to all the causes, and vote for the people and ballot initiatives. And yet my state is still a national embarrassment, and dangerous to certain people (including women who can conceive, since we had a trigger law). I don’t have any children and am in a straight cis relationship. Some of my closest friends are married gay men, and they’re all considering leaving. Especially if they leave, I just can’t even think of a good reason to stay, honestly.

      The politics combined with rising temps and dwindling water and an electorate that seems to not care about, or even revel in, human suffering is becoming untenable.

      1. Minnesotan here! I live in a suburb outside of the Twin Cities, happy to answer any questions you might have.

    13. The meanness of the current Florida political landscape is really getting to me and I’ve lived here for >20 years. I’m not sure whether to stay and fight (I’m past childbearing age and can hold my own on any other matters, have some financial security, but not limitless) or go. Right now I’m leaning towards go.

  18. My amazing paralegal is leaving me to go to law school next month. I plan to give her a gift card/cash, but I want to get her something up to $50ish to go with it. Any useful/fun/etc. gift ideas for law students?

    1. A nice business card case with some plain business cards from VistaPrint with her name, cell number, and personal email printed on them?

      1. Just my 2 cents, I would never have used this as a law student. School gear (sweatshirt, scarf, etc.) could be nice if the law school is one with a lot of school spirit.

    2. A good tote could be nice – you will always have extra things to carry. Bonus if it’s something lightweight and comfy. Or a really nice coffee travel mug that won’t spill and keeps things hot for a long time (look at whatever wirecutter recommends).

      I personally wouldn’t wear something with the school name on it but I know others differ.

      1. Yes! These are the things I’d get her in that price range.

        Regarding the business cards above— the law school in my city actually gives their students business cards with their school email address on them. As a practitioner, I liked this because I could more easily remember the student’s name at an event, job interview, moot court exercise, etc. But the school did it, and I suspect that’s not uncommon. For that reason, I wouldn’t get the cards. I got a couple of nice card wallets when I went to law school and they were sweet, but I never used them.

  19. Looking for a simple leather trouser belt in black and in brown with gold buckles. Price is $50-75ish. Have been looking at Madewell and Ann Taylor. Any thoughts on belts you’ve loved?

    2. I found this at J Crew last year. Both skinny and 1 inch wide versions. Good luck!

  20. Maybe a long shot but does anyone have a primary care provider they like in NYC or surrounding areas? (Northern Jersey, Westchester). So hard to find one…

    1. I need one too! I’m in norther NJ but would travel to Manhattan. It is so hard to find a good one and my last two Obgyns left practice for clinical work.

    2. I like mine, although my husband hated her. She’s pretty by the book and does look at numbers a lot – blood pressure, BMI, etc. But her office is easy to deal with and convenient, and her manner is warm and considerate. Dr. Julie Bikhman at Atrium Medical, on the east side of midtown. I never have to wait long at appointments.

      I am also okay with my OBGYN, Dr. Galina Karpenko. Her office is a little more annoying though.

      1. I didn’t realize Atrium had spread its tentacles that far! I know good doctors got stuck with them though.

    3. I really like Jane Chaiyasit, who is a nurse practitioner in primary care at Columbia. She can do well-woman visits as well as internal medicine services, and her office (on the Columbia Medical Center campus at 168th and Broadway) is well-run.

    4. have you tried ZocDoc? that’s how I found my new obgyn in Westchester (the hospital systems keep merging and the old doctors leave so there’s generally been a ton of turnover – and cancelled appointments – hence the need for a change). but generally it’s super convenient to screen by insurance, availability and see reviews.

      1. Matthew Weissman MD Mt Sinai Union Square. Plus now that Mt Sinai & NYU have combined Epic medical records, you can see specialists in either system so your options aren’t limited to one system.

  21. Does J.Crew ever offer discounts that apply to their suiting? I’ve been stalking their website for awhile and all that seems to be on sale is seasonal things like bathing suits and shorts, and much of it is final sale only…

    2. yes, you just have to be patient. Every few months there’s a “suiting event” or “dressed up event” type of thing with somewhere around 25-40% off.

    3. J.Crew addict here. It depends. It if it black/navy/gray in one of the classic styles they will almost always be excluded from promos and you should just buy it if you need it on any sort of timeline (though even the classic styles do occasionally go to sale). If it’s a trendier cut like a Willa blazer for example it will go to sale, it’s just a matter of when. My recommendation is to order now and return to be sure about sizes then wait. I just got a white blazer for $78 that was originally $250. I literally checked every day for over a month until it was no longer excluded from promo. They should be clearing things out soon to make room for the fall line.

  22. DH and I are having some silly communication misses but I’m concerned it’s starting to cause resentment. Surely these must be common things, I’m wondering how others deal with this. We’re living in a bigger suburban house for the first time and I feel like we didn’t have (as many of) these issues when we were in an apartment.

    Example: I’m talking to him when I’m not looking at him (maybe I’m doing dishes or he’s in the next room), he doesn’t say anything in response. It’s about 50/50 whether he heard me. (Fwiw I almost never hear what he says when he calls from another room, and this starts a back and forth of, WHAT?, mumblemumble, I CAN’T HEAR YOU WHERE ARE YOU, I’m here!, WHERE’S HERE??) If he heard me, either he’s doing the thing I asked but he didn’t acknowledge me, or he’s thinking about his response. Like, hey can you bring paper towels and he is bringing the paper towels but didn’t say ok and I can’t see him; or, hey where are the paper towels, and he’s thinking about his response but doesn’t say anything so I think he didn’t hear. I used to repeat myself louder, but then he feels like I’m yelling at him. So now I’ll say, “did you hear me?” But he still gets annoyed because he heard me and now he feels rushed/nagged/whatever. I’ve told him many times, when you don’t respond I think you didn’t hear me because often you don’t hear me, please either acknowledge that you heard me or don’t take offense when I ask if you heard me. I know the solution is probably, well go look him in the eye and ask again, but life is busy and sometimes that’s just not practical.

    Example: he will text me when he needs something rightthisminute, like help bringing in groceries, but I don’t see/hear the text because I’m doing something else. I’ve asked him to please call me if he needs me right away, it’s easy to accidentally miss texts. Or, like, come in the house and ask me to help rather than get all grumbledy that you had to carry the groceries in by yourself. Anyone else dealing with this?

    1. It sounds like both of you need to take a step back and recognize that you can’t just have one another at your beck and call all day. I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I had someone yelling at me and expecting an instant response no matter what I was doing. If you think you’re going to need help with something, maybe give him a heads up, rather than expect him to suddenly come running when you yell? And he can text you when he’s leaving the store, rather than when he gets home, so you know to expect him. What works in a small apartment where you can always see each other just doesn’t work in a big house, and you need to adjust expectations accordingly.

      2. I agree. It’s not at all reasonable to expect to have conversations when you ae in separate rooms, and it’s also not reasonable to expect instant responses to texts.

        I think you both need to take a chill pill and also consider getting your own paper towels and carrying your own groceries.

        1. And go to where the other person is when you are talking to them or let it go if they don’t respond if you aren’t willing to get up, unless it is truly an emergency.

        2. This is so interesting; in both my childhood home and now as adults, if someone comes home from food shopping with more than a few bags (1 trips worth), everyone goes out to help bring in the groceries.

          It truly would not occur to me to operate differently.

          1. Well, yes. But if the options are “text your spouse to demand help and get mad if they don’t respond immediately” or “bring in the groceries your own darn self,” I’ll still vote for the latter.

    2. Possibly not what you’re looking for but…you both need to remember you’re in a different house now, not a small place. This is fundamentally an issue of respectful communication. It’s – in my view – disrespectful to be shouting at your partner from another room, unless there is actually a fire or blood on the floor. In a small apartment you were both rightthere, but if you have to shout now, you should just wait until you don’t have to shout. If it’s important enough that you need him, turn off the running water or go to the room he’s in. If it’s not that important, wait until the dishes are done and then walk into the room. (Seriously, the paper towels can wait fifteen seconds.) On the calls v text, we have a rule that if it’s important or immediate, the other partner calls. If it’s not urgent, a text is fine. Yes, it’s inconvenient to have to wait to communicate until you can see the other person acknowledge you, but better to lose a few seconds of time than to be disrespectful and create those nagging, grumbling, you-don’t-acknowledge feeling that you’re both apparently feeling. I am a person/equal partner/grown adult and I do not want my significant other treating me like I’m supposed to run at their beck and call. Even after 20 years of marriage I fully expect my spouse to be polite to me.

      1. SO MUCH THIS.

        So many people are so impolite to their spouse, when in my view you should treat your spouse BETTER than everybody else in the world!

    3. I grew up in a house like this and didn’t want to live like that. It gets so much worse with age as hearing declines and patience wears thin. YMMV, but one simple rule seems to fix it: I only talk to DH if he is in the same room with me.

      1. I grew up in a house like that too. I hated it and thought it was rude even as a child. Much like a judge who “can’t hear you” when counsel has failed to stand to address the court, I “can’t hear you” if you’re screaming from another room. Exception for if the house if on fire or other emergency, but otherwise just no.

    4. Yeah in my house we just don’t do this. You want help? Walk over and find me and ask. I refuse to be yelling all over the house and I don’t always have my phone on me.

    5. I think my husband is both kind of losing his hearing as he gets older and also has an audio-processing disorder where it takes him a minute to process what I say and then answer. He used to say “what?” when he actually heard me he just hadn’t processed it. So now I wait a little bit to give him time to answer. (This used to annoy me so much and I thought he just wasn’t paying attention to me. But I try to be more understanding now.) It helps to make sure we are in the same room and that I have his attention first.

      1. I experienced a traumatic brain injury that has permanently changed my audio processing. My family has a very hard time with this, because I was always very strong in this area. It is tough, and it is refreshing to read of your efforts to meet your husband where he is.

    6. DH and I used to have a similar issue. I would ask DH a question while doing the dishes (to use your example). The question might be anything from do you need anything at the grocery store because I’m going later to do you want to go to that event this weekend. About half the time, DH wouldn’t reply. There were two primary reasons: (1) he was focused on what he was doing and didn’t even hear me because he has amazing focus or (2) he was thinking about his answer, which can take him awhile. I have found that if I start the question with “Hey, DH,” that gets his attention and he will respond because I broke his focus or I can tell he did hear me and is thinking about his response.

      1. I am your husband. I have amazing focus. If I am reading something or concentrating elsewhere, I literally cannot hear what people are saying to me. The way to break my focus is to say my name and wait for me to respond.

    7. Yeah, this isn’t a “silly miss”.
      It sounds like you both need to adjust your expectations and learn to communicate better. He needs to text/call before he leaves the store if he needs help that badly, and you need to stop yelling through the house and go to where he is…

      1. Agreed. There should rarely be a reason you need to yell from another room and expect an immediate response. You dropped a glass while barefoot in the kitchen and need him to grab a broom? Go ahead and yell. But you ran out of paper towels while wiping off the counter? Walk into the other room. You want to notify him that dinner’s ready? Text him ten minutes before the food is done.

        If you have a huge house then consider an intercom system. Some landlines have that function built into the phone. But use it sparingly, not several times per day.

    8. OMGGGG this is my life with DH. I agree with the below advice and I try to stop myself from yelling at him from another room. I’ve also started saying very clearly to him that I can’t hear him if he’s in another room or if he’s mumbling. I get so sick of asking him to speak up or come closer that sometimes I just ignore him.

    9. The answer is don’t yell at each other from different rooms in the house. If you need to talk to each other, go to where the person is. If you need help carrying groceries, go find the person and ask them to come help you. It sounds like you both are lacking some respect for each other.

    10. You may have new issues due to the bigger house, but I feel like you’ve gone wrong long before and in a more fundamental way if one spouse is “angry” if the other doesn’t help carry groceries. That is not a two-person job. It may occasionally be a task that takes more than one trip, and sure it is nice to have four hands to make it one trip, but anger, annoyance, and resentment have no place in this equation, especially between spouses. (I haven’t even touched on the idea of expecting someone to respond immediately to surprise demands.)

      It seems like you have both normalized those kinds of emotions around some minor things and taking a step back would serve your marriage a lot.

  23. Going to Hawaii. Would like water shoes for me (size 8) and my daughter (age 11, size 3). Suggestions for brands you love?

      1. I wouldn’t – everything in Hawaii costs five times what it would back home because it’s an island and everything has to be imported. This would be fine advice if they were going to Florida, but if you do this in Hawaii you’re just setting money on fire.

        1. This is not true in my experience. They have brands there at the bottom of the price scale because this is an everyday item. Land’s end is at the top of the price scale and you can’t try it on. I vacation in Hawaii annually and usually buy my hats, sunscreen, etc there.

          1. Sure you can maybe find something cheaper than Land’s End in Hawaii, but Walmart in the mainland US sells water shoes too – for a fraction of what you’d pay in Hawaii for similar quality shoes.

    3. We bought water shoes from the bin in a grocery store when on vacation and they were great- not sure you really need to optimize this purchase unless you’re planning on doing any real walking in them vs. just protecting your feet in the water.

    6. ABC stores (ubiquitous Hawaii chain stores) have all kinds of cheap supplies tourists need. They have great local made sun lotion and aloe vera gel. Highly recommend.

      Hilo Hattie’s (another chain) may also be an option for you.

  24. Follow up from yesterday – I learned from reddit that there is an Excel spreadsheet called the Style Blogger Index where you can search for fashion bloggers/influencers by age, shoe size, dress size, and general style. Not posting the link to avoid mod, but if you google “Style Blogger Index” it should be one of the first few results.

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