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Updated: Jun 27, 2023 428 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Monique Sweater

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman wearing an ivory top and black pants, carrying a small handbag

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A perfect short-sleeved sweater is a must-have for my summer wardrobe, and this lightweight wool-cashmere blend from Anine Bing looks like it’s just the ticket.

On the hottest summer days, I usually go from one air-conditioned location to another, which means I’m more likely to be freezing than sweating for most of the day. The short-sleeved sweater looks summery but helps keep my teeth from chattering when I’m not in control of the office thermostat.

The sweater is $250 at Anine Bing and comes in sizes XS-L. It also comes in black.

Sales of note for 9.16.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. anon

    other than white sneakers what are you wearing on your feet to work these days? I am wearing a pair of gold open toed flats with a raffia wedge heel that I have probably had 5 years and I am sure they are out dated but I need a shoe I can walk and drive in and I can’t hold mules on… what else is there? no thongs or heels.

  2. Long shot

    Does anyone know a lawyer who has successfully busted a union in the Midwest? Prefer 8th circuit, so not someone in IL, which might limit my options…. Tiny healthcare operation client is struggling with the current union leadership and they need to raise wages and the union is saying no. It makes no sense. Client now wants the union out. I don’t do labor law. None of my partners know anyone. Google is failing me.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah this is not a thing. The client needs to negotiate they’re not going to get a union out with this NLRB.

    • OOO

      Um, I think there are solutions here other than trying to bust the union. There is likely a reason that the union opposes the wage increase. Is the wage increase enough to compensate and retain healthcare workers who worked long hours and risked their own safety to save lives during a pandemic? Are changes being made to other policies, like staffing and overtime? Are their benefits being cut? Most employers don’t like unions, so it’s not surprising that your client wants them out, but the union exists to protect the health and safety of the staff and to make sure they are being fairly compensated. I suggest sitting down with the union to hear their concerns and find a middle ground.

    • anon

      Lol of course your client wants the union out and successfully busting the union is not the answer. Can you hear yourself ask this question and hear how you sound?

      • Anon

        +1 Littler is the go-to employer-side firm for union disputes. They can evaluate whatever all you’re talking about.

        • Anon

          Agree — OP needs good advice about how to get un-stuck (not necessarily how to bust a union). A firm that just does this every day will be able to give pretty solid advice and realistically assess the situation (or refer it out).

          Ideally, all parties are competent and rational actors. But it s*cks if one party just isn’t like that or has some crazy ideas about what is likely or possible. Real estate can be like that — a lot of rational actors trying to get to yes and one person who is either greedy or unrealistic or doesn’t get the norms for what is reasonable.

      • Op

        Thank you! I didn’t know if a giant firm would be a good fit but looking at their website, maybe they do take smaller things. I’ll reach out.

    • anonshmanon

      It does make no sense – the mean union won’t let us pay staff more is such a tired cliche. When you actually read the union contract that issue is often not there. I’d look at whether the client is really seeing the full picture here. What other changes are they proposing, or what other necessary changes are they ignoring? Do they only want to increase wages for select staff and the union is advocating for all staff perhaps?

      • Anon

        I’m no lawyer, but when I am asked to lend my expertise to something that, on the face of it, makes no sense, I find out what’s actually going on in order to give sound, accurate advice. OP, you are not being told the entire story.

      • Anon

        +1

        Exactly.

        OP – your post shows a lot of ignorance about labor unions for someone trying to find a lawyer in this field.

    • Anon

      Tale as old as time from my days as an NLRB attorney… the mean ol’ union wouldn’t let the poor innocent employer raise wages, so the employer just had to pop onto social media to find a way to circumvent the NLRA. Those employees don’t deserve Section 7 rights anyway! Good thing the benevolent employer is there to save them from their elected representative and the law!!!!

      • Op

        From your time at the NLRB, any suggestions of lawyers / firms who represent companies who could work through this issue?

        • Anonymous

          Littler is the best suggestion you have gotten. All labor lawyers kinda know others in the area, so a regional littler office is probably a good start. Often, lawyers dealing with issues like this have a reputation in the industry, so speaking to someone about the specifics will likely be more helpful than asking the union stooges here. – mgmt side labor lawyer

    • anon

      Getting a union out is up to the employees, not the employer. And the employer cannot be involved or try to convince the employees to decertify their union.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry, I can’t get over the fact that some one actually came here to ask how to bust a union. Literally. Using those words. Like, wtaf.

    • Anon

      As a public service attorney who has worked in 2 union environments…yikes! My last legal aid employer tried the same tactic of “we can’t give raises because the union”. That wasn’t the case. Management was dragging their feet on contract negotiations, which have been going on for almost 2 years. It is a sad tactic to try blaming the union to avoid an employer’s legal responsibilities. I wasn’t even part of the bargaining team, but I saw through management’s excuses and talking points.

      If you want a mass exodus, keep going down this route. We had a huge turnover due to this drama. I left as did many colleagues. Our employer did, in fact, employ a union busting firm, and it severely hurt morale and our ability to serve our clients.

  3. Anonymous

    Have any of you worn shorts suits out in real life? If yes, I want to know all about it! (how long were the shorts? How tailored was the jacket? (Link if possible) did you wear it to brunch or to work? If work, what do you do or how professional is your dress code)

    • Anon

      I wore one to a bridal shower. Very cute for that. Could never wear it to my office.

    • Anon

      I did for sorority rush. Not ever since and it was a cute outfit for that. Like a mullet: executive on top; party on the bottom. I think that the mullet-ness is why it doesn’t work in the office IRL.

    • Cat

      I did in like 4th grade along with matching sheer hose, lol. I think it was my Thanksgiving lewk. #80sbaby

      • Anon

        You would have worn that with sheer hose? Back then, I was rocking the “vanilla”. Not stark white like nurses wore and not nude (which was always too “suntan” for my pallor).

        • Cat

          Oh I had vanilla too, but the suit was navy, so I had matching navy sheerish hose that I wore with navy loafers to complete the matching trifecta!

        • Anon

          Hanes Travel Buff. I cannot believe I remember that when so many other things have just fallen out of my brain.

          • Anon

            Ooooh, that was my late grandmother’s favorite color (and mine, also, when I was willing to be spendy on Hanes — they were so silky and luxurious).

          • Anon

            I wore the hell out of travel buff. I bought them at the outlet in three packs. They were my secret weapon after starting out thinking I had to buy Donna Karan Nudes on my entry level salary.

    • Anon

      In the aughts, and I’m not one of those who won’t wear a trend a second time but I’m not currently into it.

    • Anon

      I could see one of the women in my office in marketing/comms wearing a shorts suit. They are cool and trendy. I am not, lol.

      • PolyD

        I once saw one of our comms women wearing a Bermuda shorts suit. It looked nice, but I only saw her wear it once, and my office didn’t/doesn’t really have a dress code.

        So, I think those are not for office wear, unless maybe you are actually in the Caribbean.

      • Anonymous

        Last time around I did see some short suits in pink-collar cubicle farm environments. Hard pass.

    • emcee

      I feel like there have been 3+ short-suit questions in recent weeks and it’s setting off my “bu ttoned-up sh1rt” spidey sense

    • Anonymous

      the girl who does the “on the docket” blog just wore one and i did a double take!

  4. Anon

    Ugh so I was just diagnosed with “mild” lupus based on blood tests, symptoms, and a family history of autoimmune disease. Now feeling grief and fear on top of physical discomfort I’ve been dealing with, though I’m glad I know what I have so I can try treating it. Any words of advice and support for getting through and managing this?

    • Anne-on

      Oh no, I’m so sorry, a long term chronic illness diagnosis is rough. I’d strongly suggest seeing a therapist to help discuss your feelings. If you want to post later on/at another time for concrete health navigation suggestions there are more than a few of us here who have and manage illnesses and can probably give you some tips on managing a large team of doctors/multiple meds/dealing with flares/etc.
      Right off the bat – be aware that people may not be great at hearing/receiving the news. It isn’t something you can ‘cure’ or healthy eat/positive think your way through and that makes people uncomrotable. It’s been most helpful to me to cultivate a small group of friends that have similiar diagnosis or help family members with chronic issues – they get it and don’t try to send me article on how the newest snake oil will magically cure me.

    • Vicky Austin

      All the support! You can figure this out. Paging Cb who has mentioned experience with lupus, though I can’t remember the details.

    • Anon

      I am so sorry for your news. My grandmother was diagnosed with lupus over 50 years ago. So I can understand the struggle in a small way. Living with lupus is definitely a different type of life style and each person’s lupus case is so unique. If you are looking for a positive anecdote. My grandmother is the 3rd generation of women in her family history to have lupus. And the medical care she’s received has come such a long way compared to the women before her. This is a setback, but as you mentioned now that you know the cause, my hope is you’ll start to find the relief you’ve been looking for in treatment.

    • Anon

      I was diagnosed with Lupus in my early 20s while still in college (30 years ago). Mine has been manageable. I won’t say it has been easy or without challenges but manageable. My best advice is be nice to yourself. Recognize there was days when the answer is a simple “no I am not doing that or no I don’t want to do that.” Because there are days when you just need to slow down and take care of what you need. I can tell you it hasn’t impacted my career. Only one person I work with even knows — and that is because we are friends outside the office. Very few people in my life know.

      My husband is completely supportive but it took him a long time to understand what I need and when. It took him reading about the spoon theory to truly understand (https://lymphoma-action.org.uk/sites/default/files/media/documents/2020-05/Spoon%20theory%20by%20Christine%20Miserandino.pdf). Now before he asks if I want to do something in free time, like run errands, go to a movie, go for a run, etc., he first asks how many spoons I have.

      You will get through this and you can absolutely manage it. You are stronger than you know. Find your supportive people, a medical team that is accessible, and keep track of your spoons.

      • Fellow lupus sufferer

        I have had lupus for 20 years (was diagnosed in my teens) and was coming here to say basically this. Keep track of your spoons. Plaquenil has been a lifesaver for me and I have a mild case as well. It has not limited me in any significant way except that I can’t really do anything outside in the day when the sun is strong. I work full time and do all of the things I enjoy. Sleep and consistent exercise are the most important things for me to maintain, and if I do that, most of the time I forget I even have it.

    • Anonymous

      Hugs to you. My SIL has lupus, my brother has reactive arthritis, and my husband has APLS, an autoimmune condition that causes blood clots. I’m struggling because my husband just had his second major health issue due to this condition in 5 years, the first being a stroke, and he’s already getting basically the only available treatment. It sucks. My only advice is to try to take it one day at a time. If you are overwhelmed, focus on getting through today, or even the next hour. The shock at least will wear off, and a lot of the grief and fear will also diminish over time as you process them. I think it is worth seeking out a doctor you really trust and connect with if you don’t like the one you are dealing with. And take a lot of notes at your appointments.

    • Anon

      I know this sounds a little odd – but it is GREAT they figured it out! It can sometimes take years to get to this diagnosis. And from the way you describe what the doctor said, it sounds like you may be falling into a lucky subgroup that will do extremely well, and it may not necessarily be a life long thing. Lupus has a huge random assortment of things that sometimes can develop, but most don’t for most people.

      Remember – you were having symptoms before and no one new why. Now you have a reason. A pretty clear reason. And there are great treatments for lupus, and we are learning more every day. Most people living with lupus have a great normal life with a normal life span. Treatments are well tolerated for most people, and you don’t necessarily have to be on them forever. Since you caught it early, you can take your time to find the expert in your area, educate your own PCP as you learn more, and join online discussion groups/national organizations to keep up to date on all new discoveries and find support. Try to find THE person who treats Lupus/auto-immune disorders at the best academic hospital center near you. Don’t be afraid to get second opinions.

      Pretty much all of us will have medical problems at some point. In fact, all of us have one or more now, and they just haven’t been diagnosed yet. So good for you in being persistent in getting care and diagnosis for your complaints. You are on a great road!

      It is going to be ok. Promise.

      And if you are truly feeling grief, that is concerning, as this diagnosis should not be causing grief. This is not pancreatic cancer. This should not life transforming. It should not be. But we are who we are, and if your natural tendency is to lead dark/anxious, I strongly recommend getting online and finding your people/support groups to talk to, and let your PCP and rheumatologist know how you feel. It is easy to start treatments for mood, if you need them. And I strongly recommend a daily walk outside, some sort of mindfulness/yoga/TaiChi, and doing other things that make you happy.

      I have an autoimmune disorder, from a family with women with autoimmune disorders. And we are all awesome, are living great full lives.

      You finally know! Now, make your plan.

      You can do it!

      • Anonymous

        I think grief is an appropriate response. She is grieving the loss of a version of herself without a chronic condition. It doesn’t matter that the version never existed, it’s still hard. Grief doesn’t have to be all encompassing, it can be caused by all sizes of loss.

        • Anon

          This. And living a great, rich, full life doesn’t mean that grief and a loss of what might have been isn’t there and isn’t real.

          • Anon

            But most people do not feel grief with this. This means you need more help. Nothing wrong with that, right?

          • Anonymous

            I felt both grief and relief when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I think you’re making assumptions that most people don’t feel grief in this situation

          • Anon

            I would have thought that most people feel grief when diagnosed with a new chronic condition that will need lifelong treatment? I’m in USA though, so there are additional stressors surrounding maintaining access to healthcare and getting insurance to cover treatment.

          • Anonymous

            Uh no. Most people with chronic illness struggle with their losses without realizing they *should* be grieving.

      • Anon

        Of course we have grief when we receive a life-altering diagnosis. We are not all pollyannas – we are human. Why knock someone who just received her diagnosis like this. It invalidates the rest of your lengthy response.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry to hear. It can be hard to receive a diagnosis like this, but agree that therapy will be helpful to work through your feelings. Also, as an anecdote, my best friend was diagnosed with lupus in our early 20s. She had symptoms for many years before receiving the diagnosis. Since the flare that precipitated her diagnosis, she has received amazing medical care and her condition has been so well controlled that she’s been in remission for about the last 10 years. Most recently, she does not even have any evidence of disease in her blood work. She takes her medicine and follows guidelines very closely, trusts her doctors, and has had minimal impact to her life (including 3 healthy pregnancies). Hopefully since your case is mild you can achieve a similar outcome. Even if not, at least you now have an explanation for how you’ve been feeling and can proceed to find appropriate treatment and medical care. Wishing you all the best.

    • Cb

      I have mild lupus but I was diagnosed at 14. Happy to chat offline if you post a burner email.

      Mine is pretty well managed – I was on hydroxychlroquine for years and years but came off it during the pandemic. Key for me is avoiding prolonged fatigue, minimal sun exposure, lots of yoga, and lest you think I’m woo, codeine.

      • OP

        Thanks everyone for the advice. Cb, I don’t have a burner or that many questions yet but I really appreciate the kind offer to talk offline.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry. I don’t have lupus but I have RA. I was diagnosed in 2020. My only experience with it was that my former boss’s wife died from it, and my friend was caring for her mother in law, who could no longer walk due to RA. I felt like I’d just been handed a death sentence.

      What I did about it was really get into reading research papers. Beware of online forums – rare is the member who goes on to say “I’m feeling great today!” I have been on biologics for 3 years with occasional forays into DMARDS and steroids when things flare. Modern drugs have greatly improved outcomes for autoimmune diseases. I came away convinced that I can live a good life with this, and you can too!

      Hugs to you, I know it’s so hard right now.

    • Anonymous

      big hugs – i totally get what you mean about grief. we all take it for granted that we (and all of our loved ones) are going to be 100% healthy forever.

    • Anon

      I am so happy for all the people posting here that have mild cases that are well managed by medication. genuinely! But I also think that it is a dangerous expectation to set because lots of people do NOT have this experience and it is even more devastating if you are the one who fails drug after drug if your expectation is that this will be easy to manage. Plenty of people are still severely impacted by AI disease even with modern medicine and while OP doesn’t need to borrow trouble, she should prepare herself that this is a possibility.

    • anon

      Now that you mention it, yes? But with more hills and rocks and fewer golf courses. ;)

    • Anon

      Most cross country races aren’t run on real trails with significant elevation changes because the logistics are too difficult- golf courses or city parks are common sites for high school or college races. Actual trail running is generally more rugged.

      • Anon

        My rising high school kid has two xc practice courses and they are not only poorly marked and full of hills, but the hills are covered in pea gravel (so how many people wipe out each race?). One is partly an old cracked asphalt trail and then mixed with red clay mud, dirt, grass, various large amounts of tree roots, and gravel, so I have no idea what shoes are ideal for that.

    • Anon

      Yes, except usually rockier (at least for me in Rocksylvania) and more “off the beaten path”. And it’s so much fun.

    • Anon

      I ran XC in high school and now trail run as an adult. The concept is similar but the courses are very different. HS XC courses are off-road but generally manicured. Adult trail running takes place on hiking trails: lots of enervation, tons of rocks and roots, areas where you have to scramble, creek crossings, etc.

    • Anon

      My recent HS grad ran XC and her trails were exactly what adult trail running is like. I had no idea some districts have manicured, graveled trails like described here! They ran through briars in the woods, followed deer paths, had to jump across creeks, all kinds of rustic. The trails were often not well marked, so there was usually a group that ended up missing a turn and lost in a farm field somewhere, too.

    • Anon

      I don’t know where you did your xc! When I think of trail running I think of much more technical trails then xc meets are run on.

      • Anon

        +1

        XC in my area runs on golf courses, at parks, and occasional on trails. Trail running in my area is very technical

  6. Vicky Austin

    We are (finally!) in the market for a nice new family sofa. Must be easy to clean (dog, baby). No budget right now so we can get a sense of what’s out there. Where are the favorites?

      • Anon

        This + a nicer cover (and maybe legs depending on the sofa) from Etsy. You are in the stage of life where expensive sofas are just asking for heartache. One that is reasonably comfortable and with multiple slipcovers you can take off and wash regularly is the answer.

        Pottery Barn also has very nice slipcovered sofas, but I had a puppy when I last bought one and did not want a $2000+ sofa for her to eat.

      • Katherine Vigneras

        Yes, this. I have the cream color and wash on cold with bleach + dry on extra low. Looks perfect after incidents with red wine, chocolate, coffee, dog, baby.

    • Anon

      Comfortable Couch Company (CoCoCo home I think). We have a leather couch and cotton performance velvet chair and We Cannot Have Nice Things but have managed not to wreck these in a house with a husband who eats wings on the couch, two kids who eat chocolate on it, and a large dog.

      • Anne-on

        +1 to this – we have two CoCoCo home settees (2 seaters) and they have held up well to pets/kid and near daily use but in full disclosure they don’t feel as sturdy as our main couches.

    • Anne-on

      Went through this process during the pandemic and we would up buying a sofa from Century Furniture as we wanted fabric, Hancock and Moore or Bradinton Young were our top picks for leather. Everyone suggests Design within Reach and I was shocked to find out that a totally custom sofa from Century was cheaper than DWR. We did the ‘made to measure’ program at Century (https://www.centuryfurniture.com/Source/MadeToMeasure2000/)
      which was amazing as we could tweak down the the fill in the pillows/legs/arms etc. If you need a name for a vendor we used someone wonderful in the VA area.

    • Panda Bear

      We have one leather couch, one linen-like upholstered couch, and a fluffy golden retriever. Leather pro: no fur sticks to the upholstery the way it does with the linen couch. Leather cons: toenail marks/scratches stick around, and you can’t fully reverse the cushions because leather upholstery needs a fabric panel on one plane of the cushion. Also, a leather couch can be uncomfortably sticky to sit on in humid weather and without a/c. Still, I like the look of the leather one better.

    • anon

      I’d look at your local furniture stores if possible. It is very hard to tell quality via online photos and reviews.

    • Anon

      I desperately wanted the Jonathan Extended Sofa from Castlery in the taupe leather because it was such a perfect color for my new-to-me house. I did a Facetime consult with an influencer I follow on Instagram, and she convinced me it was too low for my room. I believe her, but I want someone else to buy it and enjoy it.

    • Anon

      For “easy to clean” I went w/a corner sectional from Sabai. My dream sofa would be cotton velvet with feather cushions, but for my life right now I needed something durable that washes easily and does not stain, and that wasn’t as expensive as my dream sofa. I had space limitations that narrowed my search a lot though; I am not sure what I might have found if I had room for something really huge!

    • Anon

      Love our Article couch for the reasonably priced, stylish and holding up well category. No kids but a dog and we have the velvet one and it still looks good. Would probably get leather in your shoes.

    • Anonymous

      We’ve had our Sullivan sofa from Maiden Home for about 6 months now and it’s great. Incredibly comfortable and we appreciated the ability to essentially customize the length of the sofa.

    • Senior Attorney

      I had one from Apt 2b that I was super happy with. They are made in Los Angeles and they will send fabric swatches.

    • Anokha

      We bought a leather EQ3 sofa in 2014, and it’s still going strong despite two kids using it as their personal fort. (No pets.)

    • Anon

      Macy’s Radley/Radford sectionals are amazing. I cannot recommend them more highly. Easily removed covers.

    • A.

      We have two couches I love: the Lounge II from Crate & Barrel (basically a bed disguised as a couch — it’s HUGE, though they make an apartment size) and a sectional from Room + Board. Both have held up amazingly well with 3 kids and a dog. Also, Folex is your friend.

  7. Anon

    Has anyone been an Asylum Officer or Refugee Officer with USCIS? Or done something similar?

    I’m very interested in being an AO and am looking into RO jobs too, but have heard there is absolutely no work-life balance and many do not enjoy the work.

    • Anon

      I’m very close with someone very involved with US refugees, though on the NGO side. Is there something specifically attracting you to USCIS?

      • Anon

        No, I’m open to NGOs too!

        I’m not in DC or NYC, and that’s where most of the non-government jobs are. My preference is hybrid work (but I currently am fully in person which is fine too) but I could be interested in fully remote for the right gig

        Obviously Feds usually pay better than NGOs (I don’t need to be rich but I need to pay my mortgage!) with good bennies, but if an NGO pays enough / has a decent retirement match and healthcare that’s good with me too.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been on the other side and represented clients applying for asylum. It is rough. You need to be able to face young teenagers talking about their experiences with childhood SA, genital mutilation, watching their families killed in front of them, and decide if that is “enough” to grant an application. And then you need to do it again and again, over and over, for the rest of your career.

      • Anon

        +1 screening youth is really, really hard. We have group therapy sessions as our legal aid. I would suggest volunteering at your local legal aid pro bono to take a few cases and see if you actually want to hear these stories over and over and decide if the children have suffered enough for a favorable outcome. FWIW, I couldn’t adjudicate the cases I handle.

    • MJ

      I’ve done a lot of asylum pro bono work. It is heartbreaking. If you are an officer of USCIS, your job is NOT to help these people–you are encouraged to deny petitions. These are real people, with real lives, and real life-threatening experiences at home. It is a HARD practice area.

    • OP

      Thanks for the input. My background is a mix of humanitarian aid / disaster relief work and intelligence / security work. I’m hoping to find something that’s not DC based that’s related to one of or both of those fields. I thought USCIS might be a good fit but I’m not married to it.

      My previous jobs have had times that are really tough emotionally and I find I can cope if I have enough time outside of work to dig into hobbies and time with family and friends. But, I need that time away to decompress

    • Anon

      Not sure how it is now but back when Trump was in office, AOs were hating their jobs (from what I heard) because a ton of their discretion was taken away and many got into the position to help the system and felt like they were now being forced to be part of the problem. Obv this may have changed over the years.

    • Anan

      My best friend in high school was an Asylum Officer for many years, and she once told me that you just need to turn your emotions off and fill out the form. She eventually moved to another department where she pretty much funnels policy to other departments and does not work directly with immigrants anymore. She is very good at not being invested in her job, being a worker bee and just filling out the form.

  8. Company for remote, legal background preferred role

    I’m looking for a remote- or NW Chicago suburbs / remote position. I have a law degree and have done mostly vendor rep and reference attorney work for the past 30 years, also some legal editing. My current job is great, but won’t allow me to work from Illinois, where my aging parents are, and where I anticipate I’ll need to return soon.
    Thank you for any ideas!

    • AnonQ

      Try Axiom! Legal background is helpful but not required for HQ roles (managing talent, recruiting, sales, account management, etc).

      • Anon

        Axiom requires you to be licensed in the state in which you reside and work, FYI.

        • AnonQ

          If you are practicing law (although even that is flexible based on state); wasn’t clear to me that OP is? You can live anywhere to work for HQ.

    • Anon

      What about some of the larger law firms that have a separate wholly-owned entity that does their document work?

    • Cat

      I don’t know what being a vendor rep attorney means (commercial contracts from the seller side?) but KPMG news aside, the big consulting firms might be a place to look.

      alternatively a company that might not allow permanent IL location (probably because they don’t do business there) might be flexible with allowing you to work from there for a few weeks at a time, or a week a month, or something? Like if your concern is checking on them in an assisted living facility, being able to go to key dr appts, etc there may be a middle ground that works?

  9. Anon

    Somewhat random question since the readers here seem to have a lot of knowledge and I’m curious about this. Last week my Paypal was hacked. The hacker added a credit card to the account that is not mine (nor has ever been mine) and then made five transactions from my bank account to some other Paypal account. (Money has all been refunded, so not worried about that.) My question is what is the purpose of adding the random credit card to my account? It doesn’t appear they used the card for anything, just added it? I cannot figure out what function the card served in this scam – I’m curious and couldn’t find anything online.

    • Anon

      Theories: is the goal to somehow pay with your money and then get a refund to the credit card they added? Or adding the credit card somehow defeats PayPal’s automated fraud detection because it looks like a legitimate transaction? Or the criminal made a mistake?

      • Anon

        The former may have been the goal, although it doesn’t work (PayPal can only refund to a credit card if the original transaction was to that card).

      • OP

        Thanks! I was wondering if they were going to try to use that card for some other fraud and then it would be linked back to me as though I was the criminal. In addition to reporting the tr a n s actions I also reported the added credit card and it has now been disabled.

  10. Anon

    I am right handed (and I guess right-legged). I don’t notice usually, but when I try to sprint, I notice that my right side, maybe up by my glute that is just on that side, something feels tight or tender, like I should go easier (so I do). Is this something that a sports massage is a good initial attempt for fixing it? It’s not an issue with my office job or living in a 2-story house or walking the dog, so I don’t think that I am in dire need of PT or anything. I know I’m getting older and more sedentary, but the stuff that happens is often minor and situational and I don’t really have the vocabulary for what is going on. Here, it’s not a left side issue and I never play soccer or anything where even having a dominant foot could account for the soreness where the leg meets my torso.

    • Vicky Austin

      How do you sit at your desk/on the couch? I have a habit of crossing my right leg over my left but almost never vice versa, and I notice that my right glute/ham are tighter. Could that be it?

    • anon

      What would happen if you committed to a daily stretching routine? It doesn’t need to be anything hard core. As I’ve entered my 40s, I notice a difference when I actually stretch for 10-15 minutes a day, compared to when I’m just doing whatever.

    • Anon

      It probably is an issue with your office job. Think about how you sit at a desk all day, how you use a keyboard and mouse, cross your legs when sitting, etc. If you’re right handed, you probably don’t do these things symmetrically. Pay attention to your posture and see if you catch things where you’re regularly off center. And do some stretching, both of the part that’s tight, but also the rest of your body, because it’s rare that there’s just one part of your body that’s affected.

    • Anonymous

      You could also have one leg longer than the other or a similar imbalance, and it could be coincidental that it is on the side of your dominant hand. If it is bothering you it is worth talking to a PT. A PT is who figured out my right leg is shorter than my left. It doesn’t cause me problems but it does explain why my calf muscles have always looked imbalanced.

    • Anon

      I don’t have advice but I notice the same thing after a long day of downhill skiing, where it’s obvious that I use my legs differently. I try to be conscious of it during the day but otherwise don’t do much about it. Suspect stretching would help!

    • Anon

      FYI – I’m right handed, but my right leg is weaker. I never realized until I started yoga and doing the most challenging poses is slightly easier if I stand on my left leg rather than my right. Never worried about why, but instead I make a little more effort to strengthen/stretch that side, and it is catching up to the left.

      • Vicky Austin

        I had a yoga teacher once say that “every SIDE of every body is different!”

    • anon

      Minor things turn into big things over time. If your insurance covers it, go to PT and sort out what the imbalance is. A massage can probably release whatever muscle or tendon is unhappy but it will just keep happening.

    • Anonymous

      I definitely have an uneven/upturned hip bone — my PT gave me some myofascial exercises where i basically pull the right leg up and push as hard as i can against it. I also find the MYRTL exercises to be a huge help if i’m getting random aches and pains in my hips.

    • Nesprin

      Oh, that sounds like piriformis syndrome- there’s a nerve that runs right through your upper butt muscle and if your muscle pinches your nerve, it gets inflamed and you get pain in the back/butt interface. Massage helps, not overstretching it or aggravating it helps, and not sleeping on your stomach helps.

  11. Purse help

    Can anyone help me find a purse that has been eluding me for over a year? I’d like a leather crossbody bag in a bright color, big enough to hold a wallet, phone, keys, and a paperback book. I’m thinking this means at least 10 inches wide and 7 inches high. All the crossbody bags are so small now! Does this bag exist?

  12. Anon

    My sweet 12 year old son has a best friend who he adores. They have done everything together in their life (we love and are close to the friend’s family, who live directly next door). After several years where they have been roughly matched skill wise in most sports they play, the friend has advanced beyond my son in a few areas. The friend just made the travel golf team (I’m in the SEUS, so it’s a Thing here), and my son did not. Same with the swim team at our local pool – Friend is on the A team, my son is on the B team. The Friend is a good kid, but is also a 12 year old boy with a not great filter who makes frequent remarks about being the “best” at things. Despite these remarks (which he has said about many things since the time they were 4 – we’ve always rolled our eyes and moved on, but they are hitting close to home for my son right now), we love this kid and my son wants to stay close to him, but I need some tips on how to help my son process his feelings.

    Did anything your parents do help/hurt you if you faced a similar situation? So far, we’ve told him the many stories about successful athletes and others who don’t make the team or fail out of school the first few times they’ve tried something. We have told him we’ll pay for extra lessons if he feels like he wants to level up his skills to try to make these teams next year. But I’m looking for stories, anecdotes, whatever that help him push through this. I can tell his confidence is down a bit, and I think it’s a really important lesson to learn that you AREN’T always the best at things and you have to work for it. But I also don’t want him to get stuck in a negative spiral on this since it was their two favorite activities, back to back, or have it kill his relationship with his friend.

    • Anon

      What is your son better at than Friend? Art? Science? Spanish? Martial arts? I’d go with the “everyone has different talents” talk rather than chasing the insanity of “helping” a kid who’s not athletically gifted try to stay in the competitive sports rat race.

      • Anon

        Agree with this and will add: a lot of male middle school sports dominance is about who hits puberty earlier.

      • Cat

        +1000. Even if he does extra work he still might not catch up to Friend and then what?

        • anon

          Yeah. The “you have to work for it” language applies in some situations, but most of us are never going to be amazing athletes, no matter how much we try. See my language below about doing things for their pure enjoyment of them.

      • Anonymous

        “Everyone has different talents” is a good message, but what if OP’s son actually enjoys the sports and wants to excel? There’s no harm in letting him work a little harder to maximize his own individual potential as long as the family can afford it and support it logistically and it’s his choice and not the result of parental pressure. If he isn’t currently taking private golf lessons, for example, isn’t that a pretty standard thing for competitive players to be doing at the middle/high school level? Also, swimming and golf are good sports to keep him involved in because he can continue both as an adult.

      • anon

        This. And also, remind your son that it’s 100% okay to do activities just because you like them, and not because you’re the best at them. I’m a slightly above-average singer, but I did high school choir for all 4 years and gained so much from the experience. I still love to sing in church, in my car, etc., and enjoy musical performances. As an adult, I’m a slow runner. Guess what, I do it anyway, just because I like it and it does great things for my mind and body. I think this generation of kids, who are inundated with “select” everything, is missing out on the chance to learn this lesson unless we, as parents, specifically teach them.

          • anon

            We’re still out there, man. :) Frankly, I have enough pressure on me in other areas of my life. It’s kind of a relief to know that with running, I can meet myself where I’m at, with no real pressure to succeed.

          • Vicky Austin

            “Always disastrously slow despite years of cross country, track and field, and running as an adult,” reporting for duty. Do things because you enjoy them! Stop if you don’t! Quote Captain Picard: “it is possible to…[do everything right] and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.”

        • Anonymous

          Unfortunately, unless you are at a less competitive high school and can do the activity through school, there just isn’t much available at a non-select, purely recreational level for kids after about age 10.

          • Anon

            A lot of schools let anyone on the swim team, the track team, the cross country team, etc. you need to find out what policies are for your local area.

          • anon

            That tends to be true for ball sports, but golf and swimming are both accessible at a range of levels and skill sets, IME.

          • Anon

            It depends on the sport, but golf can definitely be done recreationally since so many adults do it for fun! And in general I disagree with this statement – high schools often have several teams that aren’t varsity. I was a terrible runner, like truly not terrible not just below average, and I was on the track team in high school. We had something like 7 or 8 different squads and I was on the worst one. And our local parks & rec dept and Y both have a lot of anyone-can-register sports that go through high school (or beyond, there’s lots of stuff for adults) in sports like soccer, basketball, dance, tennis, etc. My daughter is younger, but her dance program at the Y is non-competitive and non-intense and there were a bunch of (not very good) middle & high schoolers who performed in the recital this year.

          • Anon

            Private schools in my city have one no-cut sport a season so that their kids can say that are on a sports team. High schools have so many kids (2500+ is not uncommon) that it isn’t feasible. Sadly. In a nation where we’re all creeping towards T2 diabetes, being more active would only be a plus, but there isn’t bandwidth or funds even for “swimming club” or something as cheap as a running club. Hillwalking? It is just hard, expecially if you rely on parents for transport or things aren’t at the school.

          • Anon

            Not just private schools. My 2000+ student urban public school has a number of no cut teams.

          • Anon

            My large public high school also had some no-cut sports: track/cross-country, swim, golf, tennis… things like football and basketball weren’t open to anyone, but there were plenty of sports that were.

        • Anonymous

          +1 – I was the worst person on the swim team and stuck with it for years. I have no athletic ability. But I love to be active and at age 47, I run (slowly) half marathons, lift weights, and am in great health. School always came easily for me, and it was frankly good for me to participate in something where no matter how hard I worked, I still kind of sucked.

          I would talk to your son about why his friend might be so obsessed with being the “best” – does he feel like that is the only way he is acceptable? Is his athletic skill what makes your son like his friend or is it other qualities that your son can emulate? Would he rather quit golf if he can’t be the best, or can he find a way to just enjoy it?

      • Anon

        To clarify, all my son wants to do is play golf. He loves it – loves the game, loves the sport, loves playing. Also, I don’t really want to go into this much because there isn’t a ton I can do to change it and hey, sometimes this is life, but while his friend has absolutely improved his game this year – his mom is also the current chair of the board at the golf club where they play. They are both a little young to have made the team this year, which is what we told them going in, and to be honest, neither probably should have made it this year. So the golf thing stings a bit more and it’s likely more than just a skills issue. I guess I don’t want him to lose his fire for playing because of a tricky situation this year.

        • Anon

          But, also, I’m taking these comments to heart — while he does love golf, he is also likely not a golf phenom – he’s a pretty standard “good” golfer. So even if there was more at play for this particular year, he is likely to face this same result solely on a skills evaluation in the future. It’s a good reminder to keep his world “bigger” than any one thing.

          • Anonymous

            Would it be possible to switch clubs? My daughter was a competitive gymnast and we had to switch clubs because of a coaching issue. Her skills actually progressed more once we got her out of the overly competitive environment.

            Since golf is a lifelong sport, I would do everything possible to keep him playing as long as he loves it, and to avoid having external factors like his friend’s success interfere with his own enjoyment of the game.

          • Anon

            Pre-kid, I used to golf a lot because in my field, it would be good for networking. If your kid has only golfed at or mainly at one club, it might be good for him to get out and play everywhere and every type of golf (speed golf at a par-3, public course, course at a place you visit over the weekend, driving ranges here and there). Variety will engage him in a different way and a change of scenery / people can do wonders. Adult golfers seem to love kid golfers (and new golfers) and there is such a long game (ha) to play with it. Can he volunteer at golf tournaments? That is another way to get encouragement in a way that isn’t about him being the best but putting his best self into the game.

    • Anon

      Sooner or later, we all run out own race. Friend is going deep and narrow. Rather than chase after Friend’s success, your son has time to find his passions (maybe what he does now, but he gets to do them out of love vs obligation). He’s too young for lifeguarding, but not too young to see if he can pass the tests and know that swimming is a good way to a youth career, possibly really helping a person in need some day. Maybe he can help with a golf camp that is more for outreach than personal glory? Or just travel, hike, read, and drink in the glory of summer. He has time to invest in himself and find what it is that his future will be oriented towards. And it’s summer, so a hard time to join, but I’ve seen middle school boys blossom in scouts because you get to be outdoors hiking and camping and canoeing vs having to be the best; it’s more growing the best version of yourself in an environment that wants everyone to succeed.

      • anon

        My middle school boy started taekwondo late. As in, at age 13. And it is the most supportive environment we’ve ever encountered in physical activity. Respect is taught. Bragging and talking yourself up is not cool. At his age, all the levels practice together and learn from each other. Never would’ve expected it, but it has been such a confidence booster for my kid, who is not hitting puberty as early as his peers and was very much feeling like an outsider in traditional sports.

      • anon.

        All of this is such good advice. My friend’s non-competitive son found archery around this age. It’s a great community for him. There is so much out there for kids that isn’t about winning.

    • Anonymous

      It’s really hard when the best friend is involved in the same activities. My daughter and her close friend are both involved in the same activity and fortunately are very evenly matched and support each other (it helps that they are in different events/divisions and mostly don’t compete directly against one another), but I have to deal with competitiveness on the part of the friend’s dad, who also happens to be involved in the very same activity with me at the adult level. If I have to hear one more time how his kid is going to do the activity in college while mine doesn’t have the talent for it (“nothing personal, just my professional opinion”), despite the fact that neither of our kids is putting in the work necessary to make it at the college level, I will scream.

      • anon

        OMG, that dad sounds INSUFFERABLE. The absolute definition of living through his kid.

        • Anon

          OMG I think I know that dad. And one day I will lose it and return his professional opinion with some rough Jersey candor.

        • Anonymous

          He is rather insufferable. More fun details: the dad and I both did the activity in college. For a sports analogy, you could say I walked on to one of the very top D1 teams in the country. The dad was on a minor D3 team. Both of us also did the thing on a semi-pro basis during college (yeah, I know the sports analogy breaks down here because of the amateur requirement). The dad went on to coach as a career, while I gave up the sport to go to law school. Many years later I picked up another event in the same sport for fun at the masters club level, and the dad is my coach. I am pretty darn good but not pro-level good. So he’s actually been more successful in the long run, but is all weird about where I went to school and is always trying to take me down a peg.

          Meanwhile, the dad has been training his daughter since birth for a professional career in the sport. The daughter enjoys it but is not quite that serious. My daughter thought the sport looked fun when I joined the team so she took it up in high school, at the same club, with the friend’s dad as the coach. She is doing as well as her friend even though the friend has been playing the sport her whole life. Neither one of them is the best in their high school or takes it seriously enough to play varsity in college, but both of them are talking about trying to walk on to college teams. It’s a whole mess. I wish I could just tell the dude, chill out, you won! But I can’t, because … coach. Ugh.

      • Anon

        Oh that also would absolutely frustrate me to no end and is just ick and wrong on so many levels. And there is also some of that going on here (no child says “I’m the best at [all the things]” unless they are hearing it from someone…). I was an elite diver who was a late bloomer and who was horrific at most other sports I tried, so it helps to provide that context. But to another point above, we are in the sports crazed SEUS where my son is essentially aged out of being able to play a new sport or try a rec league. It’s demoralizing because I actually think he’d love to try baseball or lacrosse, but from what I understand from others in the neighborhood, those sports are even more competitive and there are tons of shenanigans around team placement. He’s pretty outdoorsy, so I may look into some other options for summer fun. It doesn’t help that he and his friend have been able to ride their bikes to the local pool and golf club for the past few summers, and they’ve just had easy, fun summers playing golf, swimming, and doing tennis together until this year. I guess that’s why I don’t want him to get down on himself? It’s been a really great “break” from school and there hasn’t been competitiveness until this year.

      • Vicky Austin

        Oh my goodness, if I were dealing with that dad on the regular I would have been on the news long ago. That sounds so, so frustrating.

      • Anon

        If you want to really frustrate this ahole, try things like

        “hmm, maybe?”

        “well, you never know”

        “interesting”

    • Anon

      I would also maybe encourage him to spend more time with other friends who aren’t competitive or who have different skills/talents.

    • Anonymous

      Probably unpopular but I tell my kids that sports are just for fun and making friends. I’m aware that they’re not going to be elite athletes but I want them to enjoy sports throughout their lives-golf is particularly great for that. I also think it’s important for kids to learn to maintain close friendships with people the don’t see every day. So I’d focus on maintaining his friendship and making new ones, not thinking of ways to improve his sports skills.

      • Anon

        This. I’d toss in golf is for networking once you have a job, so keep it up kid but don’t lose your mind over it.

      • Anonymous

        My kid is 10, and a girl, but we have already run into this a bit. She has some super athletic, super aggressive friends that make all the travel teams in town. My kid wants to play, and be with friends, but isn’t good enough for the travel teams. We started joking that in this family, we are mathletes not athletes (we watched Mean Girls together recently) and we do sports to stay healthy. I think that really stuck with her. We emphasize how important being part of a team is but how competitive that team is does not matter to us. If she desperately wanted to be a professional athlete or something we’d have a different conversation.

    • NYCer

      Maybe encourage your son to try a sport that this friend doesn’t play, just to create a little separation? Water polo? Lacrosse?

      • Nesprin

        +1

        Middle school is an age when friendships shift and your kid may need some more space to not be directly competing with his friend. But more generally, your kid and his friend may be changing and their relationship may not be the same forever.

    • anon

      I don’t know much about 12 year old boys, but I think the message here should be to do things for the enjoyment of doing them/self improvement, not “if only you tried harder maybe you would make the team.” For one, he may never be good enough physically and that is just a fact. Hard work isn’t always enough. Second, you have alluded to politics in terms of who made the team, and that is another fact he should accept. If he is having fun and/or taking joy in his own self progress, isn’t that the goal?

      I also wouldn’t go down the “let’s list the things you are better at than this other person.” While there may be examples with this kid, as an adult I can think of people who are better than me in every facet I can think of. I’m zen about it because my life is about me, not about winning some competition against the entire world.

      • Anon

        ohhhhh that first paragraph hit hard. We have absolutely been guilty of this. All the parenting woo when he was a toddler was about building a “growth” mindset, so I am totally guilty of pushing the mentality that hard work will get him what he wants. But you are absolutely right — he may never make this team, based on the age brackets and other irrelevant nonsense. This is the crux of why *I’m* sad for him – he loves to golf, he loves to golf with his friend, and the recent competitiveness has waned his enthusiasm. But focusing on practicing and helping him to work hard for the try out next year just sets up a potentially even more disappointing result if he doesn’t make it next year, which is totally possible. In addition to the other great ideas above about trying new things and playing golf “differently” (new courses, volunteering, etc.), I’m really going to work on changing my messaging to him — which is focusing on how much he loves to play, and that in a lot of ways, he can enjoy this year even more because he’s not on a hyper competitive team. Thanks to all of you – this has been a hugely helpful thought exercise.

        • Anonymous

          I think you are on the right track encouraging him to play for the love of the game, but I wouldn’t try to frame not making the team as a blessing in disguise. I also don’t think there is anything wrong with letting him try to improve his game as long as he’s not overly fixated on making the team next year. If he loves the game, it’s fine for him to try to be as good as he possibly can.

    • Anonymous

      There are some things you could watch with your son that might help–a new documentary about Steph Curry, for example, who didn’t become a star until mid-career. He might also like the Netflix documentary about tennis. I really loved Taylor Fritz’s comment in that documentary about how you have to remember that literally everyone is going to walk away a loser at every tournament, with one exception. I hadn’t ever thought about it that way.

      • Anon

        At the Olympics, everyone except for 3 people per event loses. Losing is the norm, even at the highest levels.

        #Loser
        #Slowrunner
        #3.0TennisPlayer4Life

  13. Anon

    Does anyone have the J Crew Odette sweater lady jacket in cotton-blend bouclé? I’m 5-4 (and short-waisted even at that height). Might this just be a regular length on me or still visibly cropped? If visibly cropped, the proportions won’t really work for me and my intended outfits. But I have the Juliette sweater coat / jacket and I’m just feeling overwhelmed by it (even though it is great in office when it’s so hot that I wouldn’t wear it outside over my summer outfits).

    • Cat

      I’m here to talk you out of it. It’s about 18″ long so measure a jacket you like to see how it would hit on you. But I saw it in store last week and the fabric felt big-box store quality, not $178.

    • Elderlyunicorn

      If you like this style, consider the Sezane Betty cardigan. I have it in navy blue – quality is excellent and it hits me exactly at the right length – I’m 5’ 3”. Super versatile

    • Anon

      I am 5’2” but slightly long waisted. If you are wearing high waist pants, I think it will hit you in just the right spot, and with dresses, it will likely end close to the smallest part of your torso. I love love love the bright white!

  14. Anon

    My adult nephew is furious at my sister that his dad has no money to pay for college for him. He is smart, but apparently thinks that his dad (a surgeon) is poor because he pays my sister enough alimony to not lose her house and child support for 3 siblings still at home (which she had to sue him and get his wages garnished after he went a year without paying). He omits that dad has overspent his very high salary, got remarried to his affair partner, had a bunch of additional kids who are 20+ years younger, has a nonworking spouse, has to pay for stepkids b/c their dad is in prison, and has several new $$$ vehicles. I can’t tell him that, but it gets harder and harder to bite my tongue. This was the favorite kid and he has had a life of private schools, never held a job, travel sports teams, a car at 16, and never anything but the newest phone. His younger siblings walk to public school and their after-school jobs and have never done a travel team; his mom works an hourly wage job to pay for her health insurance and keep the lights on. We recently had a death in the family and now we are regularly in the same orbit dealing with that.

    Eventually kids in this situation wise up to the math they are complaining about (or are some kids always angry at the wrong person)?

    • Anon

      They wise up eventually. By “adult” you mean, 18 or 19, right? That’s not really an adult, even if the law sees him as an adult, and most kids that age hate their parents for various reasons. He’ll come around.

    • Anon

      If you are relatively close to your nephew, I think you can say something to him. If his bad is blaming his mom, it might be good for him to hear the other side of the story. Some kids wise up on their own, some never do.

      • Anne-on

        +1 – if this is an 18/19yr old who has been raised in a very upper middle class way and only exposed to other upper middle class people he simply may not truly understand the realities of what ‘poor’ is. Some kids wise up on their own, some don’t but you can gently help him with budgeting, talking about the ROI of certain degrees, which college makes the most financial sense, etc. without bashing his dad (or snapping at him about how clueless and out of touch he is – which, he is! but he’s also a teen and that’s not uncommon!).

      • Anonymous

        It’s also possible that the aunt isn’t hearing the son’s full side of the story – he may be angry at his mother for valid, non-financial reasons and channeling it inappropriately.

    • Anon

      There are a lot if things that don’t quite make sense here, but it seems pretty fair that the kid would be mad about this situation. Clearly he should be mad at his dad, but I understand why frustration might be expressed more generally, if he was raised with one set of expectations only to have them changed at the last minute. Why would you pay for K-12 private school and then suddenly stop at college? I’d be mad at the waste of money too! He almost certainly would have preferred the opposite if given a choice, not to mention everything else about dad running off with another woman and starting another family.

      • Anon

        Exactly! Private high school plus no college stings twice: in addition to the reverse being preferable, most of his friends are probably headed to elite private schools.

    • Anon

      Whoa. There’s a lot here. I can’t even try to unpack who remarried whom and whose ex-spouse is in prison.

      Your “adult” nephew is a) old enough to know the truth about his dad and b) probably always going to be a spoiled brat because of all the things you listed. Your sister and her ex made this bed with how they raised this child; they get to lie in it. IMO, the time to fix all this was years ago when Junior started popping off about money and wants and dad being better. Kids understand more than adults give them credit for; “I can’t afford that right now because X” is a totally legitimate sentence even for grade school kids. Also, Junior probably could have benefited from some therapy along the way – sounds a bit like classic anger over childhood divorce.

    • Anonymous

      This makes no sense–if he got a car at 16 that was at most a year ago if he is applying to college now? All this happened in just a few months or a year?

      • Anon

        I read it as he’s in college now, or at least going in the fall – so probably 18 or 19 at least.

      • Anon

        OP — kid is 20; the no money for college was a surprise for him when it came time to pay a deposit for the schools that accepted him. Mom was always upfront that b/c she makes less than $20 per hour, she couldn’t pay but he could live with her and use her as a “primary parent” for financial aid purposes. Instead, he picked to live in the no-rules house (e.g., girlfriend can sneak in vs the house where that isn’t allowed) where he isn’t eligible for aid anywhere. And I think that Dad never saved up and now has a spending problem (and definitely can’t or won’t write college checks for the other kids, either).

        It’s just like, let me deal with my grief and cleaning out nana’s house and stop with your anger at the wrong person.

        • Anon

          Does it really matter where he lives (unless one house is out of state at a public school)? I assume financial aid counts both parents’ incomes even if divorced.

          • Anon

            That’s how it was when I was in college, and my parents were divorced and on different coasts so I only lived with 1 parent. Both incomes factored into aid.

        • Anon

          Well, shoot…. although this kid sounds spoiled and entitled, his dad is a horror show! How could his Dad not tell him ahead of time to prepare for no financial support? Something is totally off here.

          Maybe this kid needs to take the year off and work. And then re-apply next year with a reasonable payment plan.

        • Anon

          It sounds like both his parents screwed him over completely by not having an actual conversation about this before applying to colleges. Of course he’s mad at them!

          • Anon

            Btw, at many schools, it doesn’t matter where he lives, his dad’s income will still be taken into account, even if he refuses to pay, so this is definitely a conversation that needs to occur between both parents and the kid, before applying.

          • Anon

            Maybe at private schools, but many big public schools don’t seem to look past the FAFSA.

          • Anon

            Yeah, definitely not all schools, which is why the parents need to coordinate with the kid on where to apply if dad isn’t going to pay. Obviously dad is the villain here, but I do think mom had some responsibility to make sure that things were on track. In an ideal world, the kid could do that, but I can understand why a kid who’s been given the understanding that money is no issue would continue to think that money wouldn’t be a problem (and surgeons do make a lot of money!). His mother should have been watching out for him, which is why I think it’s fair to be mad at her too, even if she’s much less to blame than the dad.

        • anon

          Yeah, somebody gently needs to tell him what’s up. His mom works his butt off to support the family, his dad is obligated to pay child support and sorry that’s not a “hardship,” and he has choices here. Being more generous, I’m guessing that this kid is mad about a number of things, and college finances are where he’s choosing to direct it.

        • Anon

          If the anger was occurring in my presence, I’ll probably call him out on it. Your sister doesn’t deserve to have his misplaced anger. Be prepared though for him to not accept it. Don’t forget who his other parent is, and he may be more like his father than his mother.

          • Anon

            But Mom screwed up too. How could both parents have not sat down with their son last year, when he was applying for college, and tell him EXACTLY what was going down?

            Or did they, and he just thought….. Dad will come up with the money in the end…..?

          • Anonymous

            How did mom screw up? She let him know she didn’t have the money and let him know what help she could give. She can’t force dad to sit down with them and has no way of knowing his financials. At most she can encourage her son to talk to his dad.

          • Anon

            Jesus, maybe give the kid a chance before writing him off as being like his father? He’s only 20, lots of 20 year olds are dumb. Most of them, actually.

          • Anon

            Mom makes $20/hr. There’s no way she can afford to pay for any college. She didn’t screw up by expecting dad to pay for college like he did for private school.

          • Anon

            If Mom is getting child support, she is well aware of her ex’s financials.

            I wonder how much child support she was getting. For own kid, most states require 15-20% of income. The average surgeon pulls down just over $400k a year, so let’s say that she got $80k a year in child support. Did she just put him through private K-12 and assume her ex would pay for college? Was there an expectation that some of that would be saved in a 529 for post-secondary educational expenses? Was she spending his child support on her other kids?

            Child support is a legal obligation that has a direct dollar amount associated with it. Before getting involved, everyone needs to see those documents and understand what dollar values are involved.

          • Anon

            Re: was she spending his child support on her other kids…I read it as they (mom and ex husband the surgeon) have 3 kids in common: the oldest who is 20, then 2 younger kids who now can’t afford private school and have to get PT jobs (and presumably there’s no money for college for them either).

            My parents’ divorce included language about college expenses. I’m surprised this isn’t in the divorce settlement.

    • Anon

      I think if he’s an adult, you can tell him that, but do it in private. He can choose to believe you or not, but chances are no one has told him and he’s been kept in the dark his entire life, given the cushy upbringing you described.

    • Anon

      It’s unrealistic to think a kid who’s just now college age can comprehend the financial complexities of actual adult life. But he’s old enough that you can clue him in. I’d leave out the vitriolic comments around his dad though if you want him to hear the message. You might not like the guy, but he is the kid’s father.

    • Anon

      Maybe, maybe not. Life’s not fair, and it sounds like he could perhaps use a gentle reminder of that with a factual review of the situation (to the extent appropriate) with mo bad mouthing of his dad no matter how much you want to. Also, you might suggest that he look into the counseling program at his school (assuming college age) as a sounding board for his frustration and anger.

    • Anon

      Sounds like he’s probably frustrated with his dad and his dad’s poor choices but taking it out on your sister. Sounds like he’s probably heating his dad bad mouth his mom too.

      To be given a car at 16, sent to private school, etc and then suddenly be told there’s no money for college would be a shock to any teenager. I’d be confused too.

      I think in a few years he’ll mature but also will learn more about the world and how things work and finances and will likely eventually come around but it won’t be immediate.

    • Anon

      Not your circus! And maybe try to not be so harsh in your judgment of your nephew. At the very least, I hope you’ll be open to forgiving and forgetting if he matures as he gets older. I have an older relative who has always judged me for something they think I did when I was 17 (which was a total misunderstanding on their part anyway). I’m 35 now and they’ve never moved past it.

      • Anon

        Yeah – OP, if your nephew Is venting to you about this, i think you should shut that conversation down (“I really think this is something you need to talk to your mom about – I’m not the right person.”) Otherwise, stay out of it. You don’t seem to like the kid much, and you hate his dad, so you’re not well-positioned to talk to him about this. Only someone with an objective perspective is going to get through to him; his mom’s sister isn’t that person.

      • Seventh Sister

        I have an aunt who never moved past her judgment of me as a child (like 9 or so!) and my maternal grandmother was the same way about my sister. “Bad” little kid, “bad” bigger kid, “bad” teen = always a bad adult to those two.

        FWIW, I kind of think that between 18-24 or so, it can be totally normal to be mad about everything all of the time. I remember being so appalled about all kinds of stuff that was Definitely Wrong and 20-odd years later, I cannot summon that kind of frenetic energy for more than a day or so, even if it’s something truly terrible.

    • Anon

      If your family is like mine, sister was with her ex when he was poor (med school, residency) and got tossed over once he was earning money (but still in debt). So I doubt that it was really on sister to save for multiple kids for college on a resident’s salary or while trying to both pay off med school and provide housing for a family. Estate planning attorney her and doctors are among the worst types of clients for being in debt up to their eyeballs and having little net worth (even if they stay on the first spouse) until their 50s or so.

    • Seventh Sister

      If I were in your shoes, I’d level with him in private, to the extent that you can explain the details of the financial situation (not sure what your sister doesn’t want you to say about the remarriage, etc.). And I’d remind him that plenty of people do fine in life without extreme financial advantages, it’s going to be OK in the end, his life isn’t over at 22 because his dad can’t pay for Fancy U, life isn’t fair, etc.

      That said, I’d keep it brief in that he’s probably getting inaccurate information and/or dealing with a lot of tough emotions from the divorce. Kids (especially teens) often take out their anger on the “safe” parent, and many of them stop doing that at some point. But if he lashes out at you/your sister, it’s always OK (especially if he’s an adult), to step back from the relationship.

    • Trish

      My mom told me to get a scholarship. My son got a scholarship. The kid can go to community college or join the military. Tell him that.

        • Anon

          Well, at this point it is!

          What exactly is he supposed to do this year? Certainly not take out $100k in high interest loans to go to whatever overpriced private college he applied to! He either needs to take time off and work/apply for scholarships/apply to affordable schools again, or think about community college or military. Not unreasonable.

      • Anon

        I’m not clear if he is in college. He’s 20, so 2 years out of high school. Community college then transferring to a 4 year is better than not continuing his education.

        • Anon

          Yeah something is off here. I don’t know many 20 year old high school seniors….

    • Anon

      Honestly, I feel terribly for this kid. Yes, he’s acting out and had made the decision to live with the more permissive parent. Still, it’s truly awful for father to let the guy go through the entire college application process and not once sit him down and talk about finances. Given his (privileged and entitled) background, I can totally understand why he expected to have a college fund and is angry. He is also likely a bit scared, because he had no alternate plan and doesn’t know how to navigate this. Clearly his mom is the wrong target, he needs a new plan, and he has to learn to adult faster than he expected, but yeah, I’d be angry too.

      • Anon

        Same, the only person I feel bad for is the son. Considering his dad funded private high school, he didn’t make the kid get a job for pocket money, and *no one* warned him he had no reason to anticipate this.

        Stop comparing your grief over a family member’s death to this kid (at his age you really can’t expect him to react like a grown adult) having all his school and financial plans vanish before his eyes. He has every right to be mad about the situation. It doesn’t matter if you think he was spoiled growing up. Sure plenty of kids take out huge loans or go to a cheap school that isn’t their top choice. But he spent his entire life thinking he wouldn’t have to. The rug got pulled out from under him and his finances will be affected for years.

        • Anon

          Agree.

          While his Mom did screw up by spoiling her son who grew up with no work experiences, giving him a car while going through a divorce and forcing the other kids to work and not him (!?!?!), remember…. he is still deeply affected by the divorce of his parents, likely by his father’s poor support/immediate new family. And now to have his college plans suddenly destroyed. That’s pretty bad. Why didn’t Mom warn him this would likely happen? How could college support not have been determined in the divorce settlement?

          Yes, us old folks know that everything is relative, and we have seen worse, but for him…. he has had the worst things happen that he could imagine in his young life.

          Everything is relative.

          • Anonymous

            I think it was the dad doing the spoiling. He lives with dad not mom. The younger kids going to public school and working probably live with mom. Mom only has so much control over what a teenager does when he doesn’t even live with her.

      • anon

        +1 I’ve actually counseled a few kids in this situation where they don’t find out there is no money for college until deposits are due and it is absolutely devastating. Any and all parental figures are to blame for not helping the kid plan his applications, apply for scholarships, and fill out the FAFSA. And yes, there are some parents who don’t even fill out the FAFSA and don’t tell their kids they haven’t until it’s too late for any financial aid. I can’t put into words the level of betrayal these kids process.

        At this point, telling your nephew to lay off your sister will only create silence where there is noise. If that is your goal, then it should work. But you won’t be able to sell your sister as the “good parent” because she isn’t. The resentment will take him years to come through, and it’s telling that you are still pitting the kids against their father.

        Also, he’s 20. He should be able to bring his girlfriend home.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, my MIL refused to fill out the FAFSA, even though my husband likely would have gotten substantial financial aid if she had. He ended up in the military and did ok, but he’s still mad at her attempt to control him like that.

    • Anon

      Can he not apply to reasonable public schools and get a scholarship?

      If he is 20, is he considered financially independent and eligible for need based grants?

      I think both parents need to sit down with the son and a college counselor to navigate this.

      I think he also needs therapy to deal with the divorce and his father basically replacing him with a new family.

      • Anon

        Even some public schools will use his dad’s income against him and refuse to give any aid, though most won’t, so his options will depend a lot on which state he lives in. I’m also confused why this wasn’t decided as part of the divorce agreement. This is definitely his dad’s fault, but everyone needs to sit down and have a real conversation about how to deal with things going forward. It was terrible of both parents to spoil him his entire life and then spring this on him at the last possible minute.

      • Anon

        Kids usually aren’t considered independent until age 24 or graduate school.

    • anon

      Maybe he’ll wise up, maybe he won’t, and I empathize tremendously wiht everyone in this situation. Let me just say though how awful it feels to be a child of divorce when you feel like your parent didn’t have to leave you but chose to. And to live with the consequences of their actions that negatively impacted your life. It’s so unbelievably hard, even before you get to the lifestyle changes involved. It doesn’t give him a pass by any means, but it just s*cks all around.

  15. anon

    Has anybody used an ADHD coach (or similar type service) for themselves or their child? In my case it would be for my middle schooler, but I’d love to hear about any experiences anyone has with this type of service. I’m picturing someone who would meet with them regularly (1-2 times a month maybe?) and could help them appreciate and harness their superpowers, and with scaffolding/organization/executive function type skills and strategies. Is this a thing? If you have a recommendation for the Seattle area, please share!

    • Anonymous

      This is absolutely a thing and I think a good one can be much more useful than generic therapy.

    • anon

      They are hard to find, but I’m guessing you’ll have more luck in a major metro area. Have you checked out ADHD Dude? He specializes in what you describe and I have found his YouTube videos to be very helpful.

  16. Anon

    I’d like to go on a mother daughter trip (I’m the daughter) and looking for ideas. Somewhere in the US. My mom likes historical things, museums, indoor activities. Best if there isn’t a ton of walking involved. I’m thinking maybe 3-4 days/long weekend. Have you been somewhere fun with your mom? Recommendations? Thanks!

    • Anon

      Museums and history make me think of the northeast. Boston, NYC, Philly, DC would all be good cities for that. NYC would probably be the easiest for someone who doesn’t want to walk much.

      • Anon

        In Philly, most of the historic stuff is very concentrated so there’s not a ton of walking needed between sites.

        Other sites worth seeing would be an easy Uber. The Phlash bus is a great route for tourists too.

    • OOO

      Savannah, GA is a gorgeous city and perfect for a long weekend. Most things worth seeing are in the Historic District, a fairly compact area. If you get a rental in that district you won’t have to do much walking at all to see some beautiful historic homes and go to restaurants. You can tour some houses such as Mercer House. SCAD Museum would be another indoor activity. Also has Bonaventure Cemetery. Read the book Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil before you go! Only caveat is that it is hot there right now, so I would avoid summer months.

      • NYCer

        I think a smaller city like Savannah or Charleston would be great options. Both would be better fall or spring destinations, however.

        • Anon

          Savannah and Charleston are both beautiful cities with great food, but not sure I’d recommend for a history buff. The lack of acknowledgement of the role the cities (especially Charleston) played in slavery was really uncomfortable for me. I think there have been some more recent efforts to remedy this but the last time I was there (in 2019) the vibe was very much “look at all these pretty buildings & plantations! who cares that people were brutally murdered, raped and enslaved here!”

    • anon

      Mom and I did DC with relatively minimal walking (using uber or public transit based on whichever made more sense). We love all the smithsonian museums, and have discussed going back so we can go to the National Museum of African American History and Culture. Chicago can also be doable with reduced walking, good museums, readily available uber. I will say though, it’s hard to get to riverboat tour without navigating some stairs or a really long ramp.

      • Anon

        I love the Maine coast but I don’t think of Portland as having much in the way of museums or history. +1 for NOLA though.

    • anon

      If she likes art – hear me out. Houston (if you’ve done the usual haunts already). Stay at Hotel Zaza (museum district) or rent a house in Montrose. All the art museums are super close. The Museum of Fine Arts has a wonderful impressionist wing. The woman who acquired the collection focused on great examples of art, so there are tons of female artists and lesser known works in there that are gorgeous. You will be right next to a contemporary art museum as well, and within a short drive or walkable if not hot, trek over to the Menil (fantastic if modern is her thing). Another woman curated collection turned into a museum – you will realize this subtly with the presence of male statutes … you get my drift. I describe that museum as if I had all the money to go to art fairs and buy whatever made me laugh or happy. Likewise, take the day, go to NASA and do the VIP experience. And, we are a city that loves AC.

    • Anon

      Santa Fe! I did it with my teen daughter and it is such a special memory. I did it due to the recommendations here.

      Highly recommend dedicating one day to drive to Taos.

    • Sunshine

      Depending on the time of year, would you guys enjoy renting a car and going to the LBJ Presidential Library in Austin, the Bush 41 Library at Texas A&M, the Texas Hill Country, and/or San Antonio for the Alamo?

  17. Anonymous

    If I felt sick Sunday, had a fever Monday, work up with a worse fever today, and got a positive test, my 5 days end Thursday?

  18. porch chairs?

    My house has a good sized wood front covered porch. It is almost crying out for some sort of wooden old-fashioned swing, but for now, I think I want a couple of chairs. Just something comfortable (and hardy?) for sitting outside with a drink or a book.

    Do you have something you love? How does it not get filthy/disgusting? Is it possible to be cute/comfortable and weather hardy?

        • Anon

          Go try one out! I love them for lounging, reading, sipping something. Not for eating from, though, because the angle is wrong.

        • Vicky Austin

          I think some folks find Adirondacks very uncomfy and some folks find them very comfy. Might be a height/proportions/body type thing?? I have no idea.

    • Anon

      I think this is the perfect use case for those $25-$35 Adirondack chairs that come in bright colors. Maybe add a lumbar pillow for additional comfort and color.

    • AIMS

      My mom has rocking chairs and cushioned and brings the cushions inside for bad weather. They are also easy to clean and replace if needed.

    • anon

      Given what you are describing, I’d get rocking chairs like the ones they have outside of Cracker Barrel (lol). We have Adirondack chairs (called muskoka chairs here) for our backyard, and while I like them, a front porch is a more “sit up” situation.

      • porch chairs?

        I don’t know the Cracker Barrel chairs (lol) – but like the second vote for rockers and your thoughts. Thanks!

      • anon

        Can confirm that the Cracker Barrel chairs are pretty awesome, lol. My parents had a set that lasted 10+ years in harsh weather. Mom always stored the cushions inside. I love a good Adirondack and find them very comfortable, but those are more of a “backyard by the firepit” chair.

    • Anonymous

      we have an outdoor couch on our porch – we love to sit on it and watch the rain chain.

    • Anon

      I have some outdoor chairs from Frontgate that are *extremely* comfortable. They’re metal with wicker. They live in my not-covered backyard but I got the matching covers to put on in the winter and during rain. They’ve held up very well since I got them 7 years ago.

    • Anom

      I’m loving my new polywood adirondack chairs. Made from recycled plastic, 20 year warranty, comfy. I got royal blue. Solid, heavy construction.

      • Anonymous

        I just got black modern Adirondacks from Polywood and love them. They hose off so easily and don’t require nasty cushions. For a porch you could also do Polywood rockers or a Polywood swing.

        • Anon

          +1 polywood is great. I have a rocker, dining set, couch. All comfortable and low maintenance.

    • Anon

      I have the same porch and yes it does get disgusting. My suggestion is no cushions, buy some sort of chair that is comfortable without them. I have a swinging bench thing that has its own frame (doesn’t swing from upper hooks) and I have to dust it off before I use it.

  19. Anonymous

    If I felt sick Sunday, had a fever Monday, and got a positive Covid test today, my 5 days are up Thursday?

    • Anon

      No, Sunday is Day 0 and Thursday is Day 4. You need to wait until after Day 5, which ends EOD Friday.

        • Anon

          Please mask up, and let people know you are recently out of quarantine so they can opt out if necessary for their own health or that of their loved ones.

          • Anonymous

            It’s a huge event- I’ll wear a mask but people should assume if they are going to spend a day inside with 500 people some of those people might have Covid and take precautions.

        • Anon

          Yes, the guidance is to isolate until Saturday, then mask for another 5 days. Don’t be the person who infected everyone at the event!

    • Anon

      Saturday. Day of symptoms is day 0 (Sunday) Then 5 days of isolation (Monday – Friday).

    • Anon

      This 5 day rule is to try to get some modicum of compliance in America. The covid transmission window is up to 14 days. If you test on day 6 and your test line is still red, you’re still plenty contagious.

      • Anon

        This. I had COVID earlier this year. Felt bad for about half a day. Tested positive for 14 days. It sucked but I isolated the entire time (curbside pickup for food, outside running). Missed events I really wanted to attend. My friend who tested positive the same day I did (likely exposed at the same time) tested positive for even longer than I did.

        • Anon

          There are some pretty good studies that you’re unlikely to be infectious past 10 days, even if you’re continuing to get positive home tests. But yes, the reduction in the isolation period from 10 days to 5 days was political and not science-based, and you should assume you’re positive until 10 day unless you have a negative home test first.

  20. Lounge shorts?

    I’m not a shorts person. To quote Charlotte… I hate my thighs.

    But I’d like the equivalent of lounge shorts, in my mind. I’m imaging more – the palazzo pants of shorts.

    So none of this crisp/tailored/cuffed stuff. No athletic shorts. No jean shorts. No short shorts. No cutesy ties. I picture slip on, LONG, but still above the knee. Great drape over the rear, then loose. So comfy it might be something I would sleep in. I’m not a fan of wrinkly linen.

    Ideas?

    • Anon

      Um…look for pyjama shorts maybe? Bermuda shorts? I honestly can’t picture what you’re imagining.

    • anon

      I found a loose linen pair of shorts at H&M recently that are exactly what you described. Flattering? Not really. Comfy and semi-cute with a fitted tank? Oh yeah.

      • Anon

        Yeah, linen is such a mess and doesn’t drape well. If the fabric drapes nicely, it shouldn’t be unflattering.

        I have tons of “weekend” pants versions of this which I love at home. Now just want them in shorts.

        • anon

          It’s not the fabric that’s unflattering; it’s the overall length. My thunder thighs actually look better in a 5″ inseam. But the linen shorts sound like what you’re asking for, so …

      • Anecdata

        I like a longer short (knee length) for wearing as pajamas/yard work/etc and I’ve had good luck looking for women’s basketball shorts

        • Lounge shorts?

          Interesting… while my goal is loose for the most comfortable, years ago I did used to wear the skin tight bike shorts with a pair of short athletic shorts on top. I guess that is possible, but seems a bit hot.

          I will look at the women’s basketball shorts too.

          I was trying to stay away from the sporty/athletic look, but it looks like I can’t find what I want these days.

          Really appreciate all of your brainstorming.

          • Anon

            Bike shorts are very trendy right now and I see them everywhere. Very comfy.

      • Lounge shorts?

        Ahh… those are gouchos? Those are considered pants, no? Yeah, that is too long. Still would like above the knee. Is there a culottes of shorts?

    • Anon

      Heinously ugly, but it sounds like men’s basketball shorts might work for inside the house lounging!

      • Lounge shorts?

        Yeah, I hear you! I do like the comfort/flow/drape, but am hoping for something cuter and not poly/mesh.

    • anon

      Brooklyn short (i like the normal one, but they do have a bermuda) from athleta, pull on shorts from madewell (these may be a bit short for you), lands end women’s sport knit shorts or their knockabout chino bermudas, eileen fisher organic cotten twill shorts

      • Lounge shorts?

        All great suggestions, but all with too much structure.

        You reminded me of one of my problems…. I am relatively pretty slender but am an extreme pear and no pants ever fit me well. None. I have several pairs of the Brooklyn pants, but the waist is a mess. Even though it is stretchy it is way too big so it is hard to get things/tops to layer nicely.

        I just cannot spend more money on tailoring shorts when all I want is flow/comfort… and cute! And I still appreciate some stretch/give because of daily weight/belly flux.

        So for now I stick with flowy pants, skirts. But shorts would be better for home.

        But thanks everyone for all the suggestions. I will probably just try a couple of them.

      • Lounge shorts?

        Wow – I haven’t heard that phrase for a few decades. Thanks for the reminder… But no, those are definitely too long.

    • Anon

      Try Old Navy. Not sure what their current options are, but I have some from a couple years ago that are long-ish (maybe 5 inches) and so comfy.

    • Shelle

      You just described my whole thought process and I settled on the palazzo pants instead :)

      • Lounge shorts?

        Interesting…. no, I wasn’t picturing this, but these are interesting. I like the high waist and the drape and some structure over the rear is ok.

        Possible….

    • Anonymous

      I believe Uniqlo has something like this – they are called the relaco shorts. Frankly they look closer to Capris for me, but they make them out of cotton and they fit loose and look lightweight.

    • Anonymous

      SOMA has some PJs like this — below the knee but with slits to above the knee I believe.

    • Greensleeves

      Search Soma for “cool nights long length pajama shorts.” They are usually only available in limited colors like black and navy, but I have multiples anyway because they are super comfortable and long enough that I don’t feel exposed. I use them as lounge shorts and pajama shorts.

    • Anon

      Try googling “modest shorts.” Your description reminded me so much of the culottes we used to wear to my Christian school in the 80s, so I am sure there are still companies out there making them.

    • Anon

      This sounds like basketball shorts. I don’t know whether they make them for women where they’re styled like men’s, but the men’s will not fit you in the waist if they fit you in the hips.

  21. anon

    It sounds like you really don’t like your nephew (and really despise his father), so I don’t think you are the right person to explain any of this to him.

    • Anon

      For real. It sounds like OP doesn’t really care, but I think if she tries to insert herself here she’s going to seriously damage her relationship with her nephew.

  22. Z

    One of the biggest companies in my industry, where my spouse and lots of friends work, is going through layoffs today and tomorrow. I’m fully on edge.

    • Anon

      KPMG? I think you the only thing to do is try to focus on something else and wait it out. Then at the end of the week shots for you, your husband and friends either way. Shots on you for any friends that were laid off.

    • Anne-on

      I’m so sorry, it stinks, I just went through the same thing at a FANG earlier this year. I’m still not sure if it was better/worse that it was so public as I had lots of family/friends/LI contacts checking in with me. I took some extra time to polish up my profile and took lots of sanity breaks. I fully phoned it in at home (take out/easy meals/let the chores pile up) to focus on gym time/time with friends/reading – basically anything that helped my mental health. I also made sure to ask my work contacts at companies I liked/respected to keep me in mind if things came up at their firms.
      Fingers crossed things work out well for you. Even if you keep your role give yourself permission to feel sad as you’ll likely lose close coworkers you respected.

  23. A non

    If your car is hit by another car and the other person admits fault, police report confirms, is it possible to just get the money for the estimated cost instead of having to actually get the car fixed? Geico if it matters. We got hit by someone who left somewhat minor scratches and dents and we don’t feel like its worth the trouble to repair so we’d like to just have the money. Is that even possible?

    • Anon

      Do you own the car outright? My policy requires any damage to the car with a loan to be repaired, but damage to the car without a loan I do exactly what you propose – take the money, fix anything safety or functionality necessary, ignore the cosmetic work.

    • Anon

      If you’re not going to actually get the damage fixed, why do you think you deserve any money? This post is just….disgusting.

      • Anon

        The point of insurance is to be made whole for the damages. That might mean deciding that a dented fender b/c you are more comforted by the cash in your pocket than by an undented fender. You are weird to call OP “disgusting” for this.

      • Bewitched

        Not really. The value of her car was diminished by the accident. If she gets it repaired, she will incur the cost and will need the funds to repair. If she doesn’t get it repaired, then it’s likely if she goes to sell the car, it will now be worth less than if the car was never hit and she should be compensated for the loss of value. How in the world would you call this “disgusting”???

      • Anon

        Disagree. The damage will lower the value of the car if OP doesn’t get it fixed, and the money is her compensation for that.

        • Anon

          You said a mouthful.

          12:22, if your car is damaged in an accident that wasn’t your fault, you are entitled to the money required to repair the car to its pre-repair condition. If you don’t use the money to fix the car, then it can be regarded as compensation for the decrease in market value of your car given the damage.

          It’s not that hard and it’s well established law/insurance.

      • Anonymous

        If someone steals your lunch, but you’re given a free lunch somehow, does the thief still owe you a lunch?
        If your car is damaged, the person who did it owes you the cost of repair, through the insurance companies. They don’t owe you that specific car, repaired.

      • Anon

        I wouldn’t call it “disgusting” but it feels wrong to me too. I think one of the reasons it feels off to me is that costs to repair cars varies widely based on what time of mechanic you go to (dealers are always $$$$). You could get an estimate to fix it from the dealer for $3,000, pocket the money then later get it repaired at a cheap local mechanic for $1,000, coming out $2k ahead and that feels…not very far off insurance fraud? I’m not saying that’s OP’s intent, but I think it’s different than a situation where there’s one fixed cost to repair.

        • Anonymous

          This is why insurance companies participate in the estimating process instead of just accepting a single estimate from the claimant. There is nothing fraudulent about taking the money the insurer determines to be a reasonable repair cost. Indeed, in my state, there usually will be an additional cash payment above that amount for “loss of value” because a damaged and repaired car is often not valued the same as a car that was never damaged.

      • Anon

        If she were to sell the car, it would sell for less with the damage, right? Someone made it worth less, so this is the compensation. I don’t see why it matters if it is actually fixed or not.

      • Anonymous

        Well I’m disgusting then, bc I did exactly this back in my early 20s (got rear-ended, damage was cosmetic, was about to move out of state, put the money towards the move instead of the car). I didn’t get anything for “free” except whiplash.

      • Explorette

        Your comment is so far off base. The point is to make you whole again. The car as damaged is worth less money, so the owner should get compensated for the repair costs or the difference in value. Repair cost is the easy way for insurance companies to handle this. You think she “deserves” to get no money and drive a car worth less than it was pre-accident. Now that would be disgusting!

      • Anon

        If someone steals your Elsa Peretti necklace and your insurance company gives you the money to replace it, you aren’t obligated to buy the same necklace. You can buy a different one, or a ring, or a fancy dinner. That isn’t disgusting.

    • Anon

      Yes, that is definitely possible. If there is a lien on the car, the other guy’s insurance company will issue the check to you and the lien holder, typically, and the lien holder can either make you repair it or not. If you own the car outright, you get a check, and you can have the car repaired or not. Be sure you are compensated for a rental for the time it takes (or would take) to repair as well as the diminished value of the car. There are lots of ways to calculate DV, and I am sure it varies by state, but you do not have to take whatever Geico offers; it is negotiable. I once spent $250 on an appraisal to negotiate the $1,000 DV I was offered up to $5,000, but that was 2 big accidents very close together, and the at-fault drivers were covered by the same insurer, conveniently, on a car that was less than a year old.

    • Anon

      Yes, I believe so.

      Usually you need to get an estimate for repair, from a bodywork place acceptable to Geico. Then Geico either pays the repair place directly or writes you a check.

      Body work can be very expensive, so it is really worth getting done. I don’t know what kind of car you have and if there is a risk of rust developing based on the material/damage, but you want to avoid that.

      Recently some movers of a bed we purchased knocked a hole/cracks in our stairway ceiling while removing the old bed. Their liability group quickly wrote a check to cover the damages, after we got a reasonable estimate. We still haven’t repaired it, and may actually sell the house and leave the repair for the next owners.

    • Anon

      If the damage is so trivial you’re inclined to let it go, then just let it go.

    • Anon

      Yes, this happened to me. I sent in photos of my car to the other person’s insurance company, and they came up with an estimate of the cost to repair the damage. At that point, I was allowed to choose whether to take in cash the amount of their estimate or go to a garage to have it repaired. If I had had it repaired, the insurance company told me they would have covered the cost of the repair even it was above their estimate. I think they probably lowballed their estimate, but in my case the lowball cash amount was worth more to me than effort it would have taken to get the very minor scratches/dent fixed. I own my car outright, but I don’t know what role that played.

  24. Anon

    i have a friend going through a divorce, with a couple of court dates coming up. she is late 30s, has one young child. some of the court dates are civil, but there is also a restraining order due to an incident with the soon to be ex. she has been a SAHM literally doing everything for the kid, while the husband goes on multi-week long vacations without his wife or kid. the husband is a smooth talking narcissist and she is very anxious about having to speak in court, but also doesn’t want to do anything that might make her look bad. she isn’t really concerned about custody (the husband has no interest), but husband has some credit cards and potentially assets just in his name. does it look bad if her parents (who are local) come with her to the proceedings for support?

    • Anonymous

      Have your friend read Tina Swithin’s book about divorcing a narcissist.

      • Anon

        +1

        Definitely have them come.
        Any support helps, I would think. Especially if it helps her!

      • NYCer

        +2. Seems totally normal / fine to me. I would imagine this is extremely common in fact.

    • Anonymous

      I worked in family law for a while and this is very common and would not have a negative effect on the proceedings unless the parents behave inappropriately toward the husband (inside or outside the courtroom) or make outbursts in court. I assume they would do none of that, just a caveat.

    • Anon

      Support helps, as long as they don’t disturb proceedings or try to do the lawyer’s job for her.

  25. What's the word

    Help wise hive! What is the term that describes when X includes Y, but Y doesn’t include X. Like, all pies are made with crust, but not all crust means pie. There’s a name of this concept and it’s escaping me!

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