Coffee Break: Laptop Sleeve

122 Comments

1. wtf is going on with air travel?!? a southwest flight skipped it’s landing to not collide with a private jet? DH flies all the time for work and i have had nightmares before about him dying on a work trip and all the recent news is not helping!

   1. I had a dream last night my whole family was on a plane which had a water landing. It was horrible.

   2. We had a thread on this recently, but it’s just making the news more frequently right now.

      1. That’s not entirely true. The AA crash was the deadliest crash in the US in decades. And then to have a Delta plane crash so soon after, even with no fatalities, was shocking. Small private planes crash all the time and there are near misses with commercial jets we don’t know about, but to have two commercial jets crash less than a month apart is statistically incredibly rare.

      2. This is correct. There are mechanical failures, emergency landings, near-misses, accidents, and go-arounds on the daily. If you don’t believe it, check out channel VAS Aviation on Y@ut$be; the creator uploads animations and full ATC audio of such incidents multiple times per week and has been doing so for about a decade.

      3. Distinguish private planes (common) from commercial passenger planes (not normal or something to normalize!).

         Understaffing at airlines since the pandemic has been blamed; I don’t know if that’s the whole story.

         1. Yes for me, this is the distinction I look for.

            Some of the more recent common denominators have been small crafts, private planes, helicopters, etc. I would never in a million years get on a PJ or a helicopter and I voraciously roll my eyes every time I hear about some millionaire with half a pilot’s license in one of these crashes.

            1. My small town airport is primarily used to private aircraft but has tiny propeller plane commercial flights to a major international airport 2.5 hours away. It would be sooo convenient to take a 20 minute flight instead of the long drive, and we’d save hundreds of dollars in parking fees each time we travel, which adds up to thousands per year, but I just can’t do it because of everything I know about small plane risks.

         2. understaffing since the pandemic is the airlines own damn fault though since they spent the billions they made in the good years (as well as the bail outs) propping up stock instead of investing in new equipment or training.

            I know it isn’t going to happen in this administration or the new hellscape we live in, but I really think airplanes need to be like the NYC subway system and run by the government.

            1. Yeah they take enough government money anyway; why should they be for profit? On the other hand there’s not much I want run by government at this exact moment; I’m terrified of DOGE messing around with the FAA.

   3. Reading the quotes between the tower and the PJ pilot, the pilot was obviously dangerously oblivious.

2. Questions about tattoos:
   Do you have a tattoo/multiple tattoos?
   What was your decision-making process before getting it/them?
   Do you cover them up at work?

   I’ve been tossing around the thought of getting a tattoo for a while – I told myself I’d wait a year before getting one, and the year is approaching and I’m still thinking about it. Just curious what other people’s experiences are. Thanks!

   1. I have two, I got them in my early twenties (I’m almost 40 now). My decision making process was: I want a tattoo, I think I’ll get one. And I did. Mine are in a place that’s hidden by clothing so it’s easy to cover up at work, not that my work really cares. I don’t regret them, but I doubt I’ll get more.

      That said, don’t overthink it too much. If you want one, do it!

      1. This is basically my tattoo story. I have one that I got with my best friend at 19 or 20, it’s small, it’s easily covered, and while I don’t regret it I doubt I’ll ever get more.
         If you want it I’d go for it – there’s always laser removal!

   2. Many. Except for one that’s on my foot they’re all on my arms. I got my first one when I was 20. The first one was something super meaningful that I had thought about for a long time. The subsequent ones have just been things that I like. The bigger ones I thought about for a while (because they’re $$$$$) but a handful of the smaller ones were very spur of the moment, “hey let’s go get tattoos” kind of thing. I don’t intentionally cover them up at work, but I wear a lot of long sleeves because it’s cold in my office and I wear blazers/jackets a lot.

   3. I have 4; 1 on each shoulder blade I got in my mid-20’s, and 1 on each wrist I got in my 30s. Only the one on my right wrist is visible all the time, the shoulder blade ones are never seen at work and my left wrist tattoo is covered by my smartwatch most of the time.

      When I got my first 2, I wanted to make sure I could cover them up, hence their location. Now in my mid-40s I don’t care at all, and I like having a visible tattoo. I plan to get 1-2 more but I haven’t figured out exactly what I want yet, but when I do, I’ll be getting it done.

   4. I’m just here to chime in about my husband’s dumb college tattoo :D

      He was on the track team, and they all got drunk one night and got matching tattoos on their upper right thighs. (Visible right where itty bitty running shorts have that split for movement, natch.) What’d they get? The school mascot? A team joke? No. It was the ’90s and all things southwestern were big, so they all got a 3″ tattoo of a running kokopelli, ha! Did they live in the southwest? Did the school have a connection to the icon or Native Americans? No, no, nope. “Dude, let’s get this one!” is the extent of thought that went into it. I chuckle every time I see my husband get out of the shower :D

      1. That is hilarious. My husband also has a dumb college tattoo that was meaningful at the time but that he regrets now that he’s outgrown it. Fortunately it has faded so it just looks kind of like a weird birthmark and is not very noticeable.

   5. none. Never been tempted. I suppose probably because my taste in everything else has evolved enough over time that I don’t want a bunch of regret over something so permanent.

      1. Same.

      2. This. Remember the tattoos around the upper arm that were really popular in the early aughts? Or the “tr@mp st@mp” lower back tattoos of the same era? Now they make you look old and out of touch. In a few years the cursive words on the inside of the forearm will look similarly dated.

      3. same, I don’t want to commit to something and have it forever, but that’s just me. I’m also generally very unadventurous when it comes to hairstyles, makeup or fashion, so it just fits in with that pattern.

         1. Same

   6. I have two half sleeves and a full back. I have always just focused on getting nice art. None of mine are especially meaningful but they’re beautiful and I love them. They all fit in a suit so I can be bland formal lady when needed but it’s not uncommon for a bit of tattoo to pop out on a normal work day.

      1. Same. I have two sleeves, a full back piece and torso, working on leg sleeves. I’m a lawyer working in state government. They’re covered when I wear a suit. I show them sometimes at work and get nothing but compliments. I tend to keep them covered whenever I’m “public facing” though. Mid-30s, didn’t start until after I took the bar.

   7. I wanted a tattoo in a covered-up location for several years. I ended up deciding against it because I figured that since I periodically change my hairstyle, clothing preferences, makeup, etc., I would probably also get tired of a tattoo at some point. Tastes change and what seems cool or meaningful to you at age 30 may feel tired or juvenile at age 45. No permanent stuff for me.

   8. none. personally i despise them.

      1. Same. I love jewelry. I have multiple piercings. Tattoos kinda freak me out from an injected ink standpoint and I think they never look good in real life. Put it on a canvas and hang it on your wall.

         1. Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of the social norm?

            1. At this point I don’t think tattoos are out of the social norm. You see them absolutely everywhere. It’s ok not to like something just because you don’t like it!

            2. What an odd question. But I’ll bite lest you think I’m just some basic millennial B. I’ve got a number of active, outdoorsy hobbies, including kayaking and road biking, both of which have some people who tattooed. Still not my jam. Good for you. Not for me.

            3. i’m the person you’re responding to and whether something is in/outside of the social norm (which seems like a very subjective/ever changing standard) is not something that tends to cross my mind when developing hobbies/interests.

            4. Tattoos are not outside the social norm. They pretty much *are* the social norm. If you don’t have one you are outside the norm.

         2. Interesting – I have no piercings. I got my ears pierced in high school and they didn’t heal well, so I let them fill in and have no desire to get them re-done or get any other piercings. To each their own!

   9. I do! I got a large one in my mid 20s in a spot that’s covered except in a swimsuit and I still love it. For my 40th, I got a large but delicate one on my arm on a semi-whim. I had a theme and placement in mind for a few years but then I came across the right idea and opportunity and just went for it in under 24 hours. I love it! It’s visible in short sleeves, so naturally covered when I wear a suit for work.

      My first tattoo artist told me that over the course of your life, your relationship with your tattoos will change just like with that of any other part of your body. So far I’ve been nothing but happy with mine but I’m ok with it if my enthusiasm for them wanes.

      Also they are “meaningful” to me but not directly symbolic of anything — I can’t explain in words how they are meaningful, they just are.

   10. My experience at 50 is that I’m really, really glad I didn’t get any. I have thought about it multiple times. The location and type have changed over the years. What I liked in my 20s would totally be awful now. I follow a couple of artists on Instagram and have even changed my mind over the past couple of years. My career has also shifted considerably. I used to work in media (visibility would not have been good) then digital marking (totally the norm) and now a role with a lot of public speaking for my company in a fairly conservative industry (could have maybe held me back).

       My advice to younger me: Don’t get them anywhere visible at work or in any spots where they could impede medical treatment or skin cancer detection (I have a big scar now in one of the spots I would have chosen in my 20s) or where skin is likely to sag or shift with major weight gain or loss. And go with something that you think would look OK on a 50 y/o or 70 y/o–because that will be your body sooner than you realize.

       1. +1 I know a lot of mid-life women who are so glad they didn’t get them in their 20s, especially anywhere that could be impacted by the body changes that come from pregnancy (which I know is not applicable to every woman, but I thought I didn’t want kids in my 20s and – surprise! – changed my mind). I guess there are places like the inside of your wrist that aren’t impacted by those changes, but anything on your torso, hips or thighs is likely to look stretched out and weird after pregnancy weight gain/loss.

          I’m also from a culture where tattoos are pretty frowned upon so I never seriously contemplated one.

          1. I’m so tired of the narrative of women changing their mind about kids.

             1. ?? I literally just said that I personally changed my mind about kids, which is a fact, whether you like it or not. It’s not a comment on what other people should do.

             2. So people shouldn’t tell their own stories? How does that hurt you?

             3. It hurts childfree women because they are constantly invalidated and it bolsters the right and their desire to remove women’s autonomy so they follow the Life Script TM.

             4. Childfree here, and no, women changing their mind does not hurt childfree women, get a grip.

             5. Child free woman here (poster above in their 50s). I’d prefer women not try to invalidate someone else’s lived experience. That hurts us more. I think it’s fair to discuss. Certain areas of the body are indeed more likely to shift with weight gain or loss–my scarring and sagging wasn’t pregnancy related (cancer) but it’s worth mentioning. Somewhere like a shoulder has a much higher likelihood of not being misshapen at 50 or 70. Most of my friends (a lot of moms but not all) who got tattoos on their tummies or pelvic area went on to regret because it just happens to be an area most likely affected. And don’t ask me or any of my fellow Gen-Xers how the belly rings went. LOL. At least that was no harm, no foul.

             6. I’m someone who changed her mind and I’m so glad I did because my kids are the best thing I’ve ever done with my life, but I would never want to use my story to change someone else’s mind. Every child should be a deeply wanted child.

   11. I don’t have any. My daughter (24) has several on her arms (upper and lower) and does not cover them at work.

       Both of my sisters got small tattoos way back when just to feel edgy, but regret them now. (Like who really wants their sorority letters on their ankle in their late 50s?)

   12. I have one on the inside of my foot that I got in my early 30s. It’s easily covered for work if needed, but it’s not necessary in my role or industry.

       I knew my instep would be a rough spot for a tattoo, but I wanted something highly visible to me, but easily covered if needed. I thought about my ribs as well, but that’s actually not highly visible to me.

       I had never considered getting a tattoo until a life-changing situation changed my mind. I debated about it off and on for about 2 years before I got it. I have no regrets and I’m glad I got it, though it’s not really aging well, due to the location and my outdoorsy lifestyle (basically, it looks muddy vs. crisp now, the edges are blurry).

   13. Life is short and you are the only owner of your body– if you want to decorate it, why not? It’s like putting stickers on your trapper keeper.

       I have five small and somewhat silly ones. I waffled back and forth for ages, and ended up getting my first one impulsively on vacation.

       Personally I LOVE them, and they make me so happy to look at. Most are on my arms because I enjoy getting to see them all the time.

       Yes tastes and trends change, but I see it a lot like baby names (stick with me)– the baby names I liked a decade ago all make me cringe a little now, but if I actually had a child named that I’m sure I’d love and cherish the name still. My style of tattoos might go “out” at some point, but I love them because they’re mine, and I don’t care if they’re passé.

   14. No, I don’t really like them. I’ve seen a few people that look stunning with tattoos, but mostly they are kind of meh.

   15. I’m a no on tattoos. I almost got one, but then realized it would prevent me from getting an MRI.

       1. Lolololol

          1. Maybe instead of laughing do a quick Google. This is part of why location matters, especially if your health history makes you likely to need scans in the area you select:
             https://www.jeffersonhealth.org/your-health/living-well/could-tattoos-complicate-an-mri-scan

       2. I’m fully tattooed and routinely get MRIs, stop fear mongering

   16. Nope, tacky. I said what I said.

3. I stayed at a job too long, and I’m. wildly burned out – nothing unsafe or illegal but run of the mill, leadership telling me to do X then yelling at me the next week for not doing Y, condescension and being talked down to (it’s an “always the only woman in the room” situation), constant threat of layoffs.

   Logic brain tells me to stick it out until they fire me, and pour all my energy into job searching, but I really really want to quit. I “accidentally” spilled some coffee to have an excuse to step out of a meeting before I started crying this morning. I normally have a pretty high tolerance for bureaucratic BS but I am just tapped out.

   Would you quit? Has this worked out well or poorly for anyone? Or, feel free to also tell me to stick it up, “that’s what the money is for”. Personal finances are solid but my industry is in a really uncertain labor market right now (tech)

   1. Yes, I would quit.

   2. Any way to take a real vacation/break? And how about “quiet quitting.” Stop caring, phone it in, leave as soon as you can.

      1. I’m taking a last minute 3 day weekend (and going skiing!) so I’ve got something to look forward to. But part of where I’m at is, a vacation used to feel like a real reset, like I was coming back recharged and excited about the good parts, and that energy would last for a while. Now I just feel – slightly less miserable very very temporarily

      2. This is what I did while looking for another job. It was so worth it.

   3. Are there really layoffs? Volunteer for a layoff to take advantage of any exit package, qualifying for unemployment, leaving on good terms with good references, etc.

      1. There have been layoffs and I expect more but no way to volunteer for them. I tried to signal to my boss that I’d like to be on the list if there are. Severance would be the legal minimum (2 months in lieu of WARN notice) plus unemployment eligibility – would be a nice to have but not an absolute necessity. But yeah, being laid off would be great news for me. On the other hand I’ve been hoping for it for months and it hasn’t happened

   4. If you foresee a decent severance package, I’d encourage you to stick it out. But you’re the only one who knows the toll on your mental and physical health. If you’re at a breaking point, you have permission to quit.

      1. agree with this.

   5. Stick it out by doing the bare minimum while you search/find a new job or until a layoff happens.

      I hit rock bottom at my last job and did this – phoned it in until I found a much better place.

      1. I’d vote for this. Do the bare minimum and if that gets you fired, great! Devote your time after 6pm to polishing up your resume and networking. Post more on LinkedIn and reach out to your network quietly.

   6. I was you about 2 years ago (biglaw). Super burned out, heartburn issues, waking up in the middle of the night dreaming of work, constantly near tears. Multiple meltdowns at home and in my office. The week-long vacation I finally took during that time was a very temporary and fleeting remedy, because it soon got back to where it was at the heavy burnout level. I stuck it out until I got a new job over a year later.

      I regret it. In retrospect, I should have left when I was severely burnt out. Now that I’m several months into my new job (substantially less pay but regular hours and far less stress), my health and overall well being have drastically improved. After years of thinking heartburn was just a thing I would always have, I have essentially stopped taking my maintenance pills (which were definitely needed before), I sleep a full 8 hours every night, and I don’t have that constant tension. Everything is so much lighter and easier in the world, and I still stop and smile to myself sometimes about how drastically different my life is now, all because of the job switch. I should have done this years ago.

      That said- I also debated leaving at the time and was too afraid of being temporarily unemployed. There’s no right answer, but that’s my input in retrospect. Be kind to yourself and do what you have to do to get through this. Good luck!

      1. I stayed in a toxic job because I thought it would be eaiser to find a job while still unemployed, but the job left me so exhausted that I couldn’t actually do any job searching. I stuck it out for a year and finally ended up quitting without something else lined up when the job started to threaten my marriage. In retrospect I wish I’d quit when things first went south, because staying damaged my professional reputation.

   7. I’m in your shoes and job searching too. I am sticking it out by just doing the bare minimum and going home.

   8. No one can answer this for you because they have no idea how easy or difficult it will be for you to get another job based on your industry, experience, and network and your existing financial situation. If you can hang in there at all though, I would recommend doing just as you say–put your focus on getting out and make them fire you so you can get benefits. In the meantime, take a vacation, throw in a sick day or two every few weeks, start capping any off-hours project work, and delegate as much as you can.

      I quit a job a decade ago with nothing lined up–and it took me 8 months to find something different. Not going to lie. The stress of unemployment made the stress of that incredibly toxic job with an evil boss look like a cake walk. And the cost of health insurance ate my savings like nothing else. Right before being hired, I discovered I had cancer. That meant starting a new job with that hanging over my head and hiding it from my new employer. You can’t time a piece of major bad luck like that. My advice is don’t put yourself in a place with fewer financial supports than you currently have if you can avoid it at all.

   9. I stuck it out til I got laid off, but in retrospect, I kinda wish I’d had the fortitude to quit outright. if you have the mental, emotional, and time bandwidth to look for a job while coasting at your current one, that would probably be the best option. The job market is generally not great for knowledge workers right now, and tech specifically is as bad as it’s been in a while.

   10. Easier said than done but stick it out and don’t give so much mental energy to it. See it as a way to make some cash and don’t invest in it. Take some vacation and job search. But don’t quit without another job. Burnout is within your control and don’t give away your power like that.

4. Anyone here this afternoon have a husband who isn’t interested in gardening? He says he wasn’t very interested in gardening even when he was in his teens and 20s. (How is that possible?) That, plus a demanding job, mean we garden maybe 8 times per year. What have you done that’s worked? Scheduling?

   1. Could he be ase#ual?

      1. There’s a bells curve with most things.

   2. Better doctor and more thorough medical work up for relevant medical issues.

      1. (And I was surprised to learn how dangerous some of the medical conditions can be; I know it’s tricky when one person’s symptom is another person’s orientation, but it really can be a symptom, even if it’s been lifelong so far.)

   3. Consider yourself lucky?

      1. I don’t want to minimize the OP’s feelings around it….but yes, this would be a dream, lol. As long as he stays being loving and attentive and a good partner and father, I would take this deal.

         1. I feel like this sometimes too but I also feel some kinda way about this. When people say things like this – do you think you’re asexual? Just not into him anymore? Something else?

            1. I might be somewhere on that spectrum…though at a base level, I am tired; we have four kids, including an infant that is up 3+ times a night. But I’ve never really LOVED gardening, even before. We are really great friends, I enjoy his company more than anyone’s, we are a good parenting team…but I’ve definitely back burnered intimacy in my mind.

               We DTD probably 4 times a month, because I know it’s important to him. To his credit he always is attentive and concerned with my experience (he practically begs to perform o r a l but I have weird hang ups about it and don’t enjoy it at all!!)

               There is definitely a lot to work on *gestures around*…but I really think I’d be satisfied with none.

   4. Yes. Same, except maybe 1-2 times per year. I had to make the very conscious decision that I accept and love him as he is. This after years fighting and trying to change this.

      I’m sorry. I know this isn’t easy.

   5. *raises hand* – he never really has been, even when we were first married i remember being the one to instigate a lot.

      I suspect one or both of us is on the aro/ace spectrum but haven’t quite found a good description.

   6. Have his health checked. Low levels of testosterone can cause this.

      Men can have responsive desire, too. It’s less common than in women, but it happens. Does he need to be calm, loved, and caressed to get into it?

      My biggest question: does he enjoy it and is he attentive to you when you do it? Because if he’s enjoying it and a good lover, you have a solid starting place.

   7. Scheduling sex has worked for us. Making time in the morning is a great way to start the day — by the time we finally collapse into bed at night, we’re usually too exhausted to do anything.

      Oh, and we take advantage of vacations and weekends to introduce spontaneity! We go on dates and make time for each other, and go out of our way to be romantic :)

      We don’t have kids but have been together 7 years with demanding jobs. Highly recommend scheduling as a first step. Maybe use the scheduling convo to open the door to a deeper convo about how frequently he wants or needs sex.

   8. We go through phases and sometimes just don’t feel like it for a variety of reasons. If you’re both happy, don’t worry about it. It’s not always a medical issue or cause for alarm. Sometimes life is just too f*cking busy and stressful and sleep sounds better.

5. I don’t think this product is that useful.
   -If used as shown, gate agents will instruct you that you have too many bags and need to consolidate
   -It’s bulkier for taking up space in your tote or backpack once stored
   -Precheck means you don’t have to take your laptop out at all anyway

   1. Yeah, that’s really the last place I would want my laptop to be when traveling.

   2. At most airports, you no longer take your laptop out even without precheck.

      1. It varies from hour to hour and day to day.

6. I missed the discussion yesterday about limiting spending in preparation for a recession. We’re doing the opposite and wondering if anyone else is in a similar spot. I’m front loading my medium term spending. Major house projects that need doing within the next ~5 years (depending on who you ask, I have less tolerance for deferring maintenance than DH), getting that whole house generator I’ve been thinking about, DIY repairs that require supplies like lumber, paint, or power tools, and picking up things like a leaf blower, chainsaw, hedge trimmer, and edger so we can do ourselves what we’re currently paying people to do. Also pool chemicals for the year.

   I’m pregnant with our first so I’m ticking off some expenses now to help spread them out over the next 6 months. I don’t expect friends and family to be able to help us much on our registry and frankly I’d feel badly asking them to, at least with big ticket items, with everything going on. My husband is hating how much we’re bleeding money rn, but I think we’ll be much better off in the long run, especially if one of us loses our job.

   1. If I had the funds I would be doing pretty much what you are doing: alll the deferred maintenance on our house, new furniture, replace all appliances and systems that might fail within the next few years, solar panels. We just spent all our money on a new car and college tuition, though.

   2. I got a new phone late last week. I was on the fence about whether to get one or get my old one repaired (it was 5 years old). Apparently the model right before my old one no longer gets updates, so I decided to go ahead and get the new phone. I figured I’m good financially right now and the prices might got up a lot if there are tariffs, etc.

   3. The closest I’ve come is buying a handful of bras from Understance, which is my current favorite bra company/brand and it’s located in Canada, in case the tariffs do come to pass. If we were home owners instead of renters, I’d be doing the same thing as you.

      1. I just built up a little stash of my favorite Asian sunscreen.

         1. I stocked up on my European sunscreens too.

   4. Yes, I am spending more now. I have accelerated the purchase of a new water filtration system at my well. I accelerated the purchase of a new-to-me car, since mine didn’t have another 4 years left.

      I share a driveway with one other house. Those neighbors want to split the cost of fencing our land and installing an electric gate. The $20k cost is a lot but I will probably agree.

      1. I posted below you that I’m doing all the things and we replaced our well filtration system two weeks ago…it was 25 years old and I wanted to get it done for peace of mind. If it’s all goes to s h i t at least I’ll have clean water while we sit tight!

   5. Yes. I am doing all the needed repairs/upgrades that we can afford now, including gutting our two (original, 1960s, leaking) upstairs bathrooms.

      This is both because 1) goods and labor are probably going to get more expensive and scarce, and 2) having STUFF that can’t be taken away, and that doesn’t break down and will serve us for the next 10+ years, seems more valuable to me than cash that will devalue in a recession or inflation spike.

      1. My exact thought process.

7. I went to the office kitchen to boil water for an afternoon tea, the fish stank was so strong I needed to stand in the hallway while the kettle ran because I was gagging in the kitchen. Ugh we live in a society people.

8. Can we talk teen driving for a moment? I learned to drive in a small town, where it was often stoplight to stoplight and rarely even passsing another car. Local state highways came quickly but it was a while before I drove on interstates a lot. And with going away to college without a car, driving was mostly a summer thing and gradually I added on interstates.

   I live in a big city where daily driving can include interstates and much more involved driving. If you are outside NYC or DC or any similar city where it’s dense and also spread out, talk to me about how you progressed with your teen. My child has a license but is still very much a novice and because there are no parking spots at school, drives there with a car that I drive home, so even finding a parking spot is rare. I don’t know if solo driving has even happened yet — I think an adult is always there by happenstance.

   1. i grew up in the burbs of DC (montgomery county) and for my daily or weekly life i did not have to go on any highways, even though i went to private school and not all of my friends lived right there. i drove to school and home from school. on weekends i drove to a friend’s house or to SAT tutoring or the mall. i personally was scared of driving on the highway (i still don’t love it as an adult). when i was learning to drive and before i got my license i had to do a certain number of hours with parents and with an instructor.

   2. not a parent but I learned to drive in a similar setting. I think it’s good to get comfortable with interstates, etc. early! We did a lot of driving practice on highways & interstates at odd hours so there was less traffic, starting with familiar routes. Make a point to regularly practice things like parallel parking.
      It’s a big responsibility & life skill so I think it’s important to make it happen while they’re still at home. There are so many bad drivers on the road as is, and nervous drivers can be a huge safety risk.

   3. I grew up in a walkable suburb, but went to private school that required driving on highways for, so I started doing it every day very early on. I also had to drive on some pretty infamous non-highways to get to the river (I rowed). I was a nervous driver, but I needed to learn these roads if I was ever going to be able to use my license – which I couldn’t wait to do.

      Being in private school, I lived far away from friends and could. not. wait. to have independence.

   4. I don’t have a kid but here is my own story: I grew up in a suburb in the DMV. I got my license in May of my junior year. The day I was legal I drove a friend without a license to see my boyfriend play sports 30 min and two major interstates away. I drove to school daily, parking in a parking lot and then parallel parking on the street at night. In the summer I drove 20 minutes of suburban/small town roads to and from work and then to visit friends or to activities, parking in both lots and often parallel in downtown street spots. I also had lots of friends 30-90 minutes away and drove about weekly to see them, travelling on interstates, 4-lane highways, and city streets. My senior year I also drove to school and also to activities throughout the state both during school days and after and on weekends. I did have an accident in my first year of driving when I was pulling out of a spot into traffic on a downtown street about 1 mile from home (post office run). I was in multiple accidents after that in the city where I took my car in college, all minor, no injuries, varied fault. Before college, I drove an old car with a broken gas gauge. I ran out of gas multiple times and learned from a guy in the gas station (where I ran out the first time) how to pour gas into the carburetor after filling the tank to make the car start again. Sometimes I drove friends, sometimes I drove alone. I don’t remember ever driving my parents around, but it may have happened for some reason once or twice.

      1. One note – We were required to take professional driver’s ed classes before getting a full license, and there was a curfew for the first year that I did not break (I think it was midnight).

         1. I grew up in NYC, learned to drive and now live in the suburbs where my teen got his learners permit on his 16th birthday and has been driving to school since he passed his test…. I know it’ ss not easy for it to happen organically if you don’t drive every day but i really encourage you to make it a priority if you want them to be comfortable drivers. I grew up with a lot of kids who got licenses but have always lived in the city and really aren’t comfortable. The time to learn and practice is when you’re young and foolhardy not when you move to the suburbs in your 30s! I would carve out time on the weekends and school vacations etc so they really get comfortable.

            1. +1. I’m from nyc and got my license in high school and was a pretty decent driver (drove for summer jobs) but then completely stopped driving when I graduated and moved into an apartment. Owning a car/dealing with parking while being paid peanuts wasn’t possible.
               I basically relearned how to drive as an adult in the suburbs – which was terrifying! I had literally never in my life gone above 60 mph (nyc is simply too crowded to go very fast unless you’re driving at 3am or something). I vote for getting your teen used to highways early but maybe driving only on weekends at off hours, only going a few exits at first, and then ramping up.

   5. In terms of progression, interstate driving was the one thing my parents weren’t comfortable teaching, so I went with the driver’s ed instructor first, then started practicing with my parents. There’s a particular bad merge (multi lane forced merge that drivers can’t see until the last minute) in my home city’s highways, and my mom had me route around that for a couple months until I was more comfortable. Honestly didn’t get much practice in actual city. driving (vs suburbs) but I started doing more of that solo when I was 17/18 — obviously you want your kid to drive safely in all circumstances but imo city driving is easier to practice alone; I would just leave extra early and have the time to circle the blocks (slowly and safely) until I found a parking situation I was comfortable in; or eg. do another loop around a block because I’d forgotten what streets were one-ways. Where highway driving doesn’t really have an option for “safe but inefficient” practice

   6. I grew up in a very suburban area, but there were no interstates to get to/from school or friends houses. The same is true for my kids.

      My parents’ rules, and I expect we’ll do the same, was: get your license as soon as eligible, parents provide a used car and a reasonable amount of gas money and you can drive yourself anywhere you want (provided you’re not breaking other rules like curfew, etc.), but you can’t drive with friends in the car or ride in friends’ cars. The last part wasn’t really an issue for me as I didn’t date or have much of a social life in high school. I had a very small number of close friends and just drove myself to their houses or to public places like the mall or movie theater to meet them. We may need to reevaluate for our kids, but statistically the risk does go up a *lot* with more than one teen in the car, so I understand where my parents were coming from.

   7. I have a 16 year old son and we live in a large suburb. We started taking him out to drive when he was about 14 years old. He took driver ed at 15 and got a learner’s permit. Our state requires 50 hours of driving with an adult and 10 nighttime hours with an adult. We tracked the hours and he well exceeded that by hundreds. We had him drive everywhere and purposely took a couple of road trips during this time so he could get lots of practice, including in different cities. My husband has the patience of a saint and sat next to him during all of this. He then had to take the driver’s ed exam and passed and the instructor told me he could tell he had a lot of driving experience. By that time, we were confident in his abilities and his maturity level and so we let him start driving to school. Within 2 months, he had a small fender bender in the parking lot at school (rear ended another car in the line to leave. Everyone was ok and only minor damage.) So even with lots of practice, teens are still high risk behind the wheel. He mostly just drives surface streets to school and back and picks up his sister from the middle school. But he sometimes goes to college basketball games in the city about 30 minutes away and requires driving on the freeway. So far he has done great. So my advice is start small, get TONS of practice, and make sure you have good insurance!

   8. I’m still in the process of this with my kid, and as much as I find it stressful, we’re really trying to have her drive us for various errands around town as much as possible. It’s helped her improve a lot and helped her understand the various scenarios that would never appear on driver’s ed (e.g. the bizarre five-way stop in my town).

      She’s also having to learn at 16 what I learned when I moved to the city at 22 – people do a lot of crazy, but fairly predictable, random driving maneuvers.

   9. Our teen’s drivers ed class started with parallel parking (!), then expressway driving, then parking lots, then lastly neighborhood surface streets.

      She encounters all of those in our semi-rural setting, and is comfortable in all of them. We had her drive all the time, everywhere as soon as she was insurable and did not try to master one thing before introducing another skill since that’s not how real driving works.

9. my employer offers access to our industry body’s coursework. (series of individual classes that can be taken on demand, leads to various certifications). We get a very small incentive for passing each class, and company pays for classes as long as you complete within allotted time.
   would you feel guilty for blocking time to complete these during work or should they be done after hours? (if I had a slow paced job I’d do them at work no hesitation, as-is I’d have to consciously make time for them).

   They’re not required, the certification would be a nice add but not like promotion worthy.

   1. Definitely do them during work!

   2. The choice here should be between doing them at work and not doing them – do not do them on your own time!

   3. I think it depends on your individual work culture and deadlines. If we had a project or client need being set aside while someone is doing non-required training that would not go over well at all. If folks are routinely working past 5 on actual work, I’d take that as a cue to do it during the evening or on a weekend. Otherwise it looks like you don’t have enough to do or don’t care.

10. I have a friend who is in a relationship that started off with a bang (lots of affection, integrating into each other’s lives, travel) and only a few months later turned toxic (silent treatment, unkindness, DARVO). I’m concerned about her because this is the kind of guy I could see becoming actually abusive. To my mind, it is already a whole foot into emotional abuse. She seems ‘confused’ about the relationship, especially because he wants things she wants (kids, marriage). We are close, I could say something, but I’m not sure what exactly to say?

    1. “Friend, I think you’re wonderful and you deserve to be with someone who treats you like the (awesome, smart, caring, funny, thoughtful, badass) that you are. It worries me to hear “…”. “

    2. Do you know about “lovebombing”? Also confusion can be a sign of being emotionally abused.

       I’m not sure what to tell her, but classic advice such as taking it slow & seeing a person in all seasons (or circumstances) before committing to marriage/kids would certainly apply (though be an understatement). Perhaps you can observe — “you don’t seem happy” as you help her think things through?

    3. My immediate thought is that he’s love-bombing her, and this is very classic behaviour for relationships that turn toxic.

       If she’s “confused” about the relationship, that’s usually a sign that it isn’t healthy. If that confusion is because she’s trying to reconcile the love-bombing with the controlling (expletive), she needs to RUN. The love-bombing is a front.

       Final thought: if you ask any woman who has lived through a destructive relationship when she wished she left, it is *always* when these behaviours first cropped up. No, it doesn’t get better; it just gets worse and worse.

       1. Yeah I would focus on the consistency of his moods and if his reactions are predictable. It sounds like they’re not and they can be scary or intimidating or confusing. There’s better guys out there

    4. The website https://www.loveisrespect.org/ is a great resource.

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