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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Last Call has a lot of lovely designer duds on sale (like this or this), but for today's TPS report I'm picking this ponte jacket. I've always associated the wide-necked style with much more expensive designers (like Donna Karan, where the jackets are usually north of $1500), so I like that this one is so reasonable after the sale — and I like that it's in ponte, which I always find much more comfortable than other blazer materials. The neckline will take some playing, to be sure — I'd try a boatneck or perhaps a very wide V-neck with it first, but I'd probably try it with half my closet to see what I liked best (this used to be one of my favorite ways to spend a Saturday afternoon; I called it “playing closet.”) Anyway: this blazer is still available in sizes 40-46, and is on a great discount: was $995, then marked to $495; with the extra 30% off it comes down to $346.50. Moschino Cheap & Chic Wide-Neck Ponte Jacket
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
anon
Threadjack-this is going to sound really stupid, so bear with me.
I am a Californian who is new to cold weather–just moved to the East Coast.
I don’t know why, but my apartment’s windows are fogging up and getting super-wet now that it’s cold outside. My apartment itself is not humid (I have a hygrometer). It’s freaky not to be able to see out and to live with drippy windows. Is this normal?
And no, this doesn’t happen specifically after I shower–it happens all day. And yes, my apartment is warm (mid-sixties) relative to the outside temperature.
Is there anything I can do, or is this just how it is when it’s cold outside and warmish inside? I’ve tried toweling down my windows, but they fog right back up.
Sorry this is such a silly question, but I know the hive can answer this for me!
~East Coast newbie
RR
I’m no expert, but you probably want to consider a stronger dehumidifier. Otherwise, I’d look at the windows themselves. They need to be more insulated. Are they double pane? Single pane? Maybe not something you can control, but that may be the problem.
Anon
What’s the humidity level in your apartment? It must be humid for it to be doing that. What kind of heating do you have?
anon
Humidity is “comfort zone”, so about 40-55% inside. My heating is radiator (inadequate) supplemented by a ceramic space heater.
SH
I would check the humidity outside vs. inside. Where I am today (DC), it’s about 30% humidity.
Miss Behaved
I’m in the Boston area and mine fog up when I run my humidifier
Terry
To be explicit (and hopefully correct), warmer air can hold more humidity than cooler air. Your window panes are cooler than the rest of your apartment since windows (for obvious reasons) don’t insulate against the cold as well as walls. Therefore, the humidity in your apartment is condensing on them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vapour_pressure_of_water
I have no *solution* but probably the other clever ladies of thissite do.
Mpls
If it’s a single layer window (some are two panes of glass with a layer of gas in between), then you don’t have many options, unless you want to run a dehumidifier. Run the fan in the bathroom when you shower and make sure the dryer is venting properly to the outside.
Welcome to winter!
Terry
Oo.. Except I forgot about window shrink film. It’s a layer of shrink wrap put over a window and then shrunk to flattness with a hair dryer. It essentially makes single-pane windows double-pane windows (and looks fine).
For example, http://tinyurl.com/mu8sm33
Anonymous
My husband and I moved back to his upper-midwest hometown, and window shrink film (of which I’d been very skeptical) is a lifesaver (comfortsaver, moneysaver)for us.
zora
This made the hugest difference in heating costs when I was a poor student in NYC. it’s genius.
Anon
This used to happen in an apartment I lived in once. I could not figure out how to make it stop and still be comfortable (opening the windows helped…but then it was freezing.) It did cause a mold problem though so we had to keep on drying the windows.
Flying Squirrel
I suspect it’s a combination of a difference in humidity and not very good windows (so they aren’t insulating well). Just like you have to defrost your car b/c the warmer air inside (which holds more humidity) condenses on your colder windows, you’re probably just getting condensation on your windows. Do you feel a draft from them?
If it’s as bad as you say, then you’re windows are probably pretty bad…which may also mean you’re about to encounter a few really high heating bills. You can check for drafts with a candle near your window (it’ll flicker near the draft). I’ve never tried the window shrink, but it sounds like it could help. Caulking would likely also help. You might also tell your landlord what’s going on, since–as others have noted, it could also lead to a mold problem.
Susedna
Hey OP, I’m really glad you asked this question! I’m reading this thread and making little notes to myself for 2 of our windows.
I’m a Northeasterner born and bred, but…
I not too long ago became the owner of a house and there were a lot of things like this that I had zero clue about. I joked w/the husband that all my yearrs of living in an NYC apartment was like being on assisted living for young people and I had developed a tough case of urban “learned helplessness.” My knee-jerk reaction for so long had been “call the super[intendent]” that it was a hard adjustment to learn tons of really basic stuff. But really, no shame in asking the basic questions. They often unleash a wealth of wisdom from all corners. :-)
Ellen
Yay! Splurge Monday! I love Splurge Monday, tho I would have to wear 2 CAMI’s with this one b/c as it is getting colder, Frank become’s more and more interested in finding any skin to look at and he is NOT seeing any boobie’s from me. I think Frank’s wife must also be sheildeing her boobie’s from him b/c it is so cold out so he is VERY interested and is even starteing to stare at Madeline, who is very chubby! FOOEY she say’s!
I had a fun weekend and got a new scanner for my home OFFICE. Dad came in and we walked with his new FITBIT. It is funny b/c we walked the same disteance, but he had less number of step’s then me. I think it is b/c he is taller then me, so he has LONGER step’s. I mabye will send a note to FITBIT and ask.
Myrna’s freind say’s that Vikram is VERY interested now that he saw a picture of me on Myrna’s I-Phone. I still do NOT know what he look’s like but he is a teck guy. I hope he is not sweaty like our teck guy. Dad keep’s mentioning David, but I told him he had his chance, but left me high and dry when Hurricane Sandy hit. I may date him again, but onley if the current guy’s all turn out to be looser’s! He goe’s to the back of the line. Dad is tryeing to get mom to exercize with her fitbit w/him; he say’s her tuchus get’s in the way when they are in the Kitchen together, but mom say’s he is grabbeing at it alot, so mabye that mean’s dad like’s her tuchus the way it is. He can NOT have it both way’s I told mom. But mom is very BUSY bakeing stuff for the holiday, and the plan is now for Grandma Leyeh to be picked up by Rosa and driven down to Mom&Dad’s house where we will all have Thank’sgiving dinner.
Mom has asked that I bring a bottel of wine with me. I have to figure out which goe’s with Turkey. I will go to Garnet liquor’s on the way to work, or mabye on the way back b/c I do NOT want anyone seeing me with a bottel at work. Frank would want to taste test it I think. FOOEY!
Fineally, the manageing partner just handed out packet’s for next year’s health insureance information. I have to give it to dad to read b/c it is way to complicated for me to figure out. All I know is that Dad pay’s the bill’s and that he may negotieate something so that the health benefit’s are covered by my Partnership agreement. Whatever. I realy do NOT have time to waste lookeing at this. Dad can do it, and once I am MARRIED, I will let my husband take care of this stuff. I work way to hard to have to waste alot of time thinkeing about all of this Obamacare and stuff. FOOEY! That is what men are here for. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Ashley
Ellen, darling, please for the love of Pete read “Prince Charming Isn’t Coming: How Women Get Smart About Money” by Barbara Stanny. She had the same financial philosophy as you do and ended up in the poor house before she wised up and started taking care of her own money.
Avodah
You know this is satire, right?
Mentoring Crash Course
Any tips for being a mentor? I am two years into my career and participating in a mentoring program with two local students. They are awesome, and I want to do well by them.
The things that are important to me right of the bat are timely responses to their communications, regular meetings that are a mix of 1:1 and group events, and to encourage them to reach as high as they can.
Most of all I want to be a sounding board and to give advice without sounding condescending.
wildkitten
How old are they?
Killer Kitten Heels
I volunteer with teens, and I think the biggest thing is to listen to them. Ask them about school, ask them about what they’re reading/watching/listening to, ask them about themselves. Mentors become condescending when they’re too focused on their own agenda (even if it’s a “nice” agenda, like helping the mentees succeed at X activity) and not focused enough on what the students are looking to get out of the relationship. Be kind and interested, and the “encouragement” thing will happen naturally.
mascot
I am slowly reading R. Wiseman’s “Masterminds and Wingmen” and its providing a lot of insight into the social structure for boys. She has a book about girls too. Maybe skim those to remember what being in middle/high school is like?
boundaries issues
All,
I need some advice. For some context, I’m a late twenties lawyer, and my parents are mid-fifties and have been married 35+ years. My mom called this morning and wanted to vent about marital problems between she and my dad (resulting in my dad packing his things and is no longer answering her phone calls). I am hundreds of miles away, so there is nothing that I can really do. I would, however, like to speak to my dad and sort of try to mediate the situation. I was happy to listen to my mom because she was so upset and needed to vent. My mom specifically requested that I not mention the fight to my dad, my brother, or my boyfriend. I’m not sure what to do, and this situation has been emotionally draining all weekend (and is now ruining my mood on this lovely Monday). Any thoughts?
OP
*Mom called over the weeked–not this morning. I need coffee!
Cb
Yikes! I don’t think this is up to you to mediate, it puts you in an awkward position and either way, someone is going to be mad at you. Also, adults need to handle their own problems without pulling their kids (adult or children) into it.
I think it’s fair to request you didn’t tell family members but your boyfriend is a source of emotional support and I don’t think it’s fair to ask you to keep something like that from him if you need that support.
R
This. You are the child, not the friend. Divorced or not, grown children or not, parents should not involve children in their fights. You cannot be held responsible for the stability of their marriage, because it will not be your fault if they don’t work it out and split up.
And by asking you not to tell your boyfriend about an emotionally stressful large development in your life, it sounds like your mother is also creating a wedge in your own relationship, whether she intends it or not. Be careful that her drama doesn’t bleed into your own life.
Anon in NYC
+1000000. When my parents first announced their divorce, my mom vented to me a lot. Stay as far away from this as possible. I finally had to tell my mom that I couldn’t listen to her anymore. While the divorce was (objectively) my father’s fault, the marriage up until that point was both their fault. Hearing about their marital problems, infidelity, blame, armchair psychoanalysis — nothing that a child should have to deal with.
And your mom is just flat out wrong to ask you not to discuss this with your boyfriend. You should discuss it with him if you want to.
Ashley
Just adding the the vote on NOT becoming your mom’s mom. It is one thing to let her vent (good) and quite another to try to fix your parent’s martial problems (BAD). They are adults and need to act like it. They need a counselor, lawyer, etc. to mediate. Not their daughter!
NOLA
You should not get in the middle of your parents’ fight, other than encouraging them to get counseling (separately or together). Also, not allowing you to mention it to anyone is not fair to you. She isn’t trusting you to handle it properly. She is trying to pull you into her drama and get you on her side.
Diana Barry
+1. Definitely share it with your bf if it is weighing on you, but do NOT get in the middle.
eagon
This is one of those situations where your best intentions will most likely backfire and exacerbate the issue. They need to figure this out on their own. Sorry, it’s tough not to be able to actively help but in this case it doesn’t sound like your actions would actually be helping the situation.
I hope it turns out okay for your parents.
LilyB
As tempting as it is to talk to your dad and about it and try to mediate, I would stay out of it and respect your mom’s request that you not mention it to anyone. Being there for her is the best thing you can do in this situation, I think. On the other hand, I think it’s reasonable to ask her, next time you speak, why she wants you to keep this from your brother- that is the request I would be most uncomfortable with.
KLG
Agree. I might also tell her that in the future, she can’t expect to burden you with things like this and then not have an outlet to discuss it.
Been There, Done That, Got The T-Shirt
It is supremely unhealthy to “mediate” your parents’ relationship problems. Google co-dependency.
Monday
+1. I used to try to mediate my parents’ fights, and it was all exhaustion and zero reward. Even serving as a sounding board when they complain about each other gets pretty dysfunctional pretty fast. Situations like ours often arise when, effectively, the couple is demanding someone to play the role of therapist (validation of their feelings, mandatory confidentiality, help with problem-solving) but don’t want to make the investment of actually going to therapy. It won’t work for any of you.
Anonymous
My mom used to do this to me as a child/preteen/teen and let me tell you, it screwed me up. Don’t let her do this to you!
Anon
+1. My mom did this to me too and it screwed me up. If I was you, I would shut this down now. Tell her you don’t want to be involved and don’t let her start this kind of conversation again. It leads nowhere healthy for you.
Anonforthis
As someone who has been in this exact same place (dad storming out, mom crying/venting) please don’t put yourself in the position to mediate and fix their marriage. I got thrown into this role when I was too naive to understand I was their kid, and this was *their* respinsibility. Thank goodness I had the support of a much older brother who came home for a visit, realized how unhealthy the situation was, and was able to get them into counseling. Please suggest a counselor for your mom and, if they’re willing, both. This is their issue to address with the help of a professional.
Susedna
My parents went through something very similar. Do not become the intermediary.
Some years ago, my parents had the most crashing big, horrible fight (one of many that left lasting harm to both parties because they were so corrosive and toxic). And that last fight resulted in my father moving out and my mother, in a panic, leaving me several calls (while I was on a business trip – so when I landed, I got 5 missed calls and 1 voicemail.) The voicemail was her begging me to call my father and use whatever persuasive abilities I had to make him “come home.”
I had to tell my mother, who was alternating between sobbing and screaming (about the injustice of it all), that it wasn’t for me to get into this or be the messenger and that she had to figure out a way to reach him (emotionally, not logistically – she had his cell phone #.)
I’m not a shrinking violet, and I have pretty thick skin, but I admit, it was incredibly hard telling my mother “no,” and firmly “no,” about being her intermediary. It was the right thing to do, ultimately, because she called him, and they were able to talk once he wasn’t in the midst of the war-zone (family home), and they reconciled. They did not have any formal separation (other than that 1 day/1 night), and they did not get divorced.
That was a novel – but I wanted you to know:
(1) others here have gone through this
(2) triangulation is rarely helpful in any conflict
(3) getting into the middle of it as a ‘spokesperson’ or advocate robs your parents of the opportunity to say things in their own words to each other
(4) it take the responsibility off their shoulders to fix their own relationship
(5) it can hurt your relationship with them. in this case, your father may wonder why you’re being you’re mom’s advocate and not his. you don’t want to open this can o’ worms.
(6) as others have said – she doesn’t get to unload this on you and then zip you up to secrecy. it’s unkind.
k-padi
Agreed with everything said above. Do not get in the middle of this. Your parents have to work this out on their own. After 35 years of marriage and 2 kids, there is way too much radioactive baggage for anyone else to even touch.
Some phrases that helped me to distance myself:
“I don’t want to hear this.” “This is something you should be working through with your therapist.” “Can we talk about something else?”
And, when it got bad:
“That’s my MOM/DAD you’re talking about.” “I’m hanging up unless we talk about something else.”
Good luck. Only your parents can fight WW3.
Need a cowgirl-type shirt
I need to find a cowgirl-type shirt (think: likely plaid, with some pearl snaps, maybe some piping and pockets and darts) in what would be a LE size S. Any good places on the internet for this sort of thing? This is outside of my usual shopping (so a LE flannel shirt will be my fallback; Pendleton might be nice, but is a bit out -of-budget).
NOLA
Sierra Trading Post has some: http://www.sierratradingpost.com/womens-western-shirts~d~668/
Mpls
Fleet Farm, Cabela’s, Gander Mountain – basically western/farm supply type stores, or hunt/fish places.
NOLA
And Ariat’s are a bit non-traditional: http://www.ariat.com/Western/Women/Apparel/WesternShirts/
Killer Kitten Heels
Try Country Outfitter – lots of flannel, wide range of prices since they carry lots of different brands.
giddyup
http://www.fortwestern.com/ladies-shirts/fastener/snaps
I have some genuine cow-herding cowboys and cowgirls in my extended family and I have used this company before for apparel and gifts, etc and the quality is actually very good. Sizes run true to size/slightly small in my opinion.
Miss Behaved
Orvis, maybe
Calgaryette
Try Lammles – it is a Canadian Western Wear Institution, for sure. They ship to the US. https://www.lammles.com/index.php/cPath/30_64/osCsid/06vefsi3801uuhr5j59c8l78c1
Anonymous
Funny story, I originally thought they were a novetly store when I moved here. Turns out, they are not.
Gail the Goldfish
Try a tack store. Horsetown probably has something-http://www.horsetown.com/ They’re near Atlanta if you happen to live there and want to shop in person
tesyaa
Costco question: I got my teenage daughter a pair of glasses from Costco. Once we picked them up and paid, she realized she hates the style. She has eye issues and is off contact lenses for at least the next few months, so I’m sympathetic to the fact she wants a different style. I’ve bought at least 4 pairs of glasses at Costco and we’ve never come back to them with a problem. But, according to other online forums, Costco’s amazing return policy doesn’t seem to apply to its optical department. Anyone with personal experience with trying to return glasses? Any chance they’ll refund my $$$ if I ask very nicely?
Aerith
I’m not sure, but once they gave my mom a discount on her glasses because two customers ahead of her got into a huge fight and caused a disturbance. It’s worth try.
Godzilla
I would be so surprised if any optician took back glasses because of that reason. There is nothing functionally wrong with the pair.
Mpls
And it’s not like you can just switch out the lenses – they are cut and made with the specific frame shape in mind. Unless it’s the color and not just the style and you can get the exact frame in a different color…
Anon
I don’t know, but I do know that there is a 100% chance that they won’t refund your money if you don’t ask. So you really have nothing to lose by being extremely polite and giving it your best shot. That’s what I would do.
Equity's Darling
I’d be surprised if they took it back, glasses are specially made for the wearer- it’s sort of like trying to return something that’s been tailored?
You might try to find another set of frames that will fit the same lenses, so that the lenses can just be switched out? I find the lenses to be the most expensive part of my glasses by far. I could see convincing Costco to switch out the lenses into a different pair of frames.
tesyaa
I would do that, but the main drawback of Costco optical is that their frame selection isn’t great.
Godzilla
They may have a catalog with different color options available. Switching out to a different color is a reasonable request.
tesyaa
BTW, normally I’m not the kind of person who tries to return something when it’s my own mistake. But hey, it’s Costco, and their return policy is one reason I shop there so much (even though I rarely return anything).
I thought that if they don’t give me a refund, I’ll have them use the frames to make a spare pair for me with my prescription. The frames are not unattractive at all, but my daughter isn’t happy.
Susedna
Just a question – did you pick the frames out for your daughter (in her absence)? It wasn’t clear from your original post whether you picked them out on her behalf or you two picked them out together, and then when the lenses w/her prescription were put in, she decided she didn’t like them anymore.
If the latter, I’d recommend talking w/your daughter about maybe spending more time at the front-end– that is, deciding if she really likes a frame, taking photos of herself wearing it, and doing whatever necessary (and within store policies) to decide definitively that she likes a frame before going through the process of having you buy them + lenses to go with them.
ansley hayes
thats some lovely parenting advice for a question about whether something can be returned to costco
Susedna
Snark all you want, but it’s relevant. It’s about whether the daughter is encouraged to have a good process for making decisions that have significant financial impact plus inconvenience to other people or not.
That’s why I asked whether tesyaa chose them w/o her daughter. If tesyaa bought them w/o consulting the daughter, that’s not good. Taste is subjective, and it’s hard to get something as personalized as glasses right for another person if that person isn’t involved in the process.
If they chose the glasses *together*, then there probably is a way to make better decisions w/the daughter. As in, give her plenty of time (and yes, maybe even sleep on it and come back another day) before pulling the trigger. If after doing all this, and she still does a 180 and doesn’t like the glasses, then she’s inconveniencing her mother based on a whim, and I think that warrants a conversation, no?
tesyaa
We chose them together. She may have felt pressured to make a decision since we had other errands on our plate that day. Sleeping on it would have been good in this particular case; I realize that in hindsight.
My daughter is a very mature, helpful older teen even under some rough circumstances. Therefore, I’m willing to cut her some slack, even though I think she should suck it up. (That’s what my parents would have done, no question). But I don’t think I’m doing something evil by asking Costco what they can do to help. #1, they can say no. #2, they made their reputation on amazing customer service. I know people return used televisions and other items, no questions asked, and I’ve never done anything of the sort.
tesyaa
BTW, Susedna, I’m not offended at all by your parenting advice. It wasn’t nasty or sarcastic.
Susedna
@tesyaa
Hey, thanks for the note– and what I’d written wasn’t so much meant to be parenting advice, as digging into the process of how a decision was made.
I was seeing a possibility that if there was something off in the process, your daughter’s disliking the frames could happen again, which would be a more difficult position than the current position.
As for the Costco returns question, I am in the camp of those who say give it a shot and ask and see what the Costco people say. And you’re right, they do have great customer service, so they might be willing to give a little on this.
Finally, I think you’ve mentioned in a previous post, maybe months ago, that you have 6 kids? I just have to say, hats off. I can’t even imagine how much of a balancing act that must be + work + other family members.
SusanM
I appreciate hearing the advice. I am in a very similar situation, except the glasses weren’t from Costco. They are stylish and look great on her, but she decided she doesn’t like them and accuses me of encouraging or forcing her to get them. I was patient with her as she tried on lots of pairs. I didn’t’ suggest coming back another day, however. And I don’t think it would’ve made a difference.
Ainsley Hayes
Hey y’all, please spell my name correctly.
Anon
+1
HSAL
Agreed. Unless the question is “what’s the best way to hide a body?” I think people should stick to the question actually asked.
Susedna
Completely disagree. Questions on this board have a way of opening the door to a lot of responses, some not necessarily what the OP wants to hear, but often quite interesting and eye-opening for others.
Once, I asked about whether it’s OK to return makeup to a store with a great returns policy and it opened an avenue for a discussion about how it can raise costs for everyone else. There was stuff that wasn’t immediately obvious, and even if it wasn’t 100% what I wanted to hear, I’m glad someone raised it. I learned something.
So, no thank you to wearing blinders.
HSAL
I think the effect of returns on store pricing is a very natural path for a question about returning makeup to take. If you’re asking if it’s okay, there’s an answer as to why it might not be. It’s one thing if a conversation expands on its own, but another to steer it in an entirely different direction. I don’t think your comment was even tangentially related. But all that matters is that tesyaa wasn’t bothered by it, so I’m not going to get worked up about it.
Susedna
Hmm, interesting.
I see it as a process question — how did the frames get chosen in the first place?
If they were chosen in a situation where the daughter was not really given a ton of time to think about it, then, yeah, it’s not an unreasonable reaction on the daughter’s part to say, “mom, i really don’t like these glasses….”
Whereas if the daughter was given ample time and time to sleep on it, and decide, and then she changed her mind on a whim, then, what’s to prevent the daughter from doing that AGAIN on frame #2? Then, a conversation might be warranted as to whether it’s appropriate to change one’s mind when it inconveniences others and costs others.
“It’s one thing if a conversation expands on its own, but another to steer it in an entirely different direction.”
I think this is an artificial distinction. Conversations aren’t Frankensteins that choose to expand on their own, without thoughts behind them and fingers typing the words. The people in the conversations steer it and some conversations expand, others contract (e.g. into a fine point of legal precedent in one state.) That’s always the case with conversation. Are you trying to say that only the OP is supposed to steer the original conversation into a digression? Because if that’s not what you’re saying, I’m actually very confused by your statement. (Not trying to be snarky – can you explain this?)
RR
It’s worth trying. Lenscrafters for example does take back frames just because it turns out you don’t like them. You have something like 30 days on the front end just to change your mind. Maybe point that out and see if they will do the same.
Anonymous
Agreed. It is at least worth trying. Sam’s club once replaced my glasses for free after my puppy chewed on them right after I got them. And Lenscrafters gave me store credit when I decided I really didn’t like the frames that I had picked (which happened to me as a 30-something adult, not as a teenager–so I would definitely cut the daughter some slack. It happens, and glasses are something that she has to wear everyday, so she should be happy with them. Especially at an age where she is already probably pretty self-conscious about her appearance.)
I am betting that CostCo will at least give you some store credit, or different lenses in them for you(maybe they would look better as sunglasses, if your daughter has a need for that?).
tesyaa
OK, update: Office is quiet today so I went to Costco at lunch. Wasn’t even away from my desk for one hour (though I moved fast). They gave a refund on the frames but not the lenses. The frames were actually pretty expensive for Costco, so I’m not unhappy. I am willing to eat the cost of the lenses as a lesson in not rushing into a decision. (I actually got to keep the lenses, so maybe another optical store – with a bigger selection of frames – will be able to grind them to fit another pair, but that’s not a priority).
Thanks for all the advice and interesting conversation.
Coach Laura
Tesyaa – In your daughter’s case, when you go look for new glasses, I’d suggest taking several cell phone photos (from different angles) of her wearing potential pairs of glasses. Then she can show/send/tweet them to her friends if she wishes or just get an idea of what they look like. This counteracts the problem that nearsighted people have where they can’t see what they look like in new glasses until the lenses get put in. And since she’s a teenager, she can ask for input from her friends (which is, you know, so much more important than, like, her parents’ input). Good luck!
tesyaa
Coach Laura – taking pics is a great idea. I think her nearsightedness contributed to the problem. I was also wondering how we could “sleep on it” when we didn’t have the glasses at home to consider. Pictures are perfect for this and I’m so grateful to have lived to see an era when we can snap them indiscriminately and have them immediately – unlike when I was a kid and pictures had to be “developed” and we didn’t take lots of extra shots so as not to “waste film” and the only way to get a quick picture was this thing called a “Polaroid” which only produced blurry, yellowish pictures. :)
Esquared
I’ll echo the chorus- you should try at the very least. I am a serial returner and I often pick stores BECAUSE of their return policy. Costco has been nothing but awesome in this department, always. Only 1 time, in all of the crazy times that I have returned things, have I gotten any snark at all… and that was when I returned some wedding rings, and I think that really had more to do with the teenage girl doing the return than with anything else.
You could also call & see and save yourself a trip.
Also, as someone who has gone through this exact glasses scenario at Costco w/ my husband (but we didn’t end up buying), glasses.com & warby parker & a few other sites will do full prescriptions glasses that are pretty awesome (& let you try on at home) for around $100.. early Thankgivingchristmakuh gift if the return doesn’t work out?
Esquared
Just saw you had a semi-successful return, yay costco!
You should def still check out the try-at-home options at glasses.com/warby parker.
Cb
I think I’ve won the award for most boring Amazon gift list and am in need of some gifting inspiration. I’ve got a compost bin, pasta bowls that match our set, and hangers on my list.
What is the best / most fun / most unexpectedly awesome gift you’ve ever received?
KC
I have two, both kitchen gadgets as it were: a slow cooker and a panini press. They keep me well fed even when life and work are crazy.
KC
Also, speaking of boring gift lists, one year all I asked for were socks. My parents thought I had gone crazy :)
Cb
I realised this morning that I don’t think I’ve ever purchased socks?? I don’t wear them often (tights most of the year) and just pilfer them from my dad’s closet (he lives in California, why does he have heavy wool socks?) or add them to my Christmas list.
tesyaa
Is the panini press a pain to clean? That’s why I rarely use mine. I’m wondering if some brands are easy to clean.
rosie
I think there are some where the plates come out. That sounds like it would be not too bad to clean. I don’t have personal experience, though.
anon
Try getting a paper towell soaking wet and pressing it in the panini press to steam off all the mess. Put a ramekin where the drip outlet is, to catch the ick. Add more water/repeat as necccesary. I do eggplant on the panini press frequently, and this trick saves me!
Esquared
It depends on the brand, but seriously, get a george foreman grill, those things do crazy double duty as panini grills (& so much more!)… and I think they have a version w/ removable grills.
MJ
I just got a pair of leopard-print fake-fur headphone earmuffs for my b-day, and they’re pretty impressive. They were not expensive, they aren’t going to rival Bose in terms of sound quality, but they make me super-duper excited to go out when it’s cold. And they were $13 on am-azon (search lobers leopard print).
I also like to put things on my wishlist that are a bit fancy for me to buy but not expensive, like nice washcloths, splurgy hand cream, fancy tea, perfume samplers, emi jay hair ties (just discovered–they’re awesome), seche vite topcoat (thanks, Hive!), etc.
Miss Behaved
My sister occasionally gives awesome gifts. A few years ago she gave me a kindle. This was when they had just come out. It’s seriously my most prized possession. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost it, but I read a lot. I’m on my second kindle now.
And another year, when I’d started working in Boston, she got me a beautiful fitted black wool coat. It’s gorgeous and I still wear it. Not today, though. It’s in the teens here.
As for my Amazon wish list, Amazon acquired Endless shoes a year or so ago so I always have shoes on my list. Currently, I have a pair of DV parker wedge booties on my list. I own a pair and love them so much that I have a second pair on the list for when this pair finally dies.
zora
I will totally take you on for that award. My wish list is like organizers for my kitchen cabinets and books. I don’t even want fancy kitchen things my mom wants to buy me, because my kitchen is so small, I would rather not have them taking up space. I must be the worst person to buy presents for.
Cb
I’m horrible. I’ve asked for tea and sugar canisters b/c my arthritic hands can’t open our current ones. But frankly, I’d rather people buy me practical stuff. I’m quite fussy and would prefer to choose earrings / clothing / art items myself.
zora
Exactly!! I would really rather pick out personal things myself, I am always totally unsatisfied when someone tries to buy clothes or home decor items for me. ;oP
NOLA
My Amazon wishlist would confuse the heck out of someone looking to buy me a gift. It’s everything from stuff I’d actually like as gifts (like a new nativity set – long story, a red leather duffel I can’t afford, or a cool watch or a magnetic knife bar) to shoes I’m price-stalking to books I want to remember to buy for my Kindle when they’re published.
Mpls
This is why I have separate wishlists – and one just dedicated to my Kindle stalkings.
wildkitten
Yeah. I have five wish lists – and 3 are private so other people can’t see the 74 kindle books I want to read.
Vegetarian Wedding
My fiance is a committed vegetarian for ethical reasons (animal cruelty) for years. I fully support his way of life and also want to have a vegetarian menu at our wedding. I don’t think he would be comfortable with the idea of serving meat in the name of celebrating our new life together.
I didn’t realize that this is a contentious issue until I googled it (i.e., when Chelsea Clinton, who is a vegetarian, served meat at her wedding and a media debate ensued). I would love to see what the wise hive’s thoughts are, or how you have handled this situation as a host/guest. On one hand, I think our friends would respect the decision to adhere to his principles (just as one would not complain about not having meat at a vegetarian Hindu wedding or not having alcohol at a Mormon wedding). On the other hand, I also understand that some people are used to having meat and would be disappointed with a meatless menu, and we want to make sure that everyone have a good time and don’t want to come off as selfish. Thoughts?
A Nonny Moose
I’m veg, so my opinion may not carry much weight, but I say go for it. It’s one night, and it’s a free meal. People will live, and maybe they’ll realize how filling and complete a vegetarian meal can be! I really wanted to do a veg wedding, but DH’s favorite food is steak, so we ended up just having a lot of vegetarian options.
Ashley
Vegan. Second this. This is yours and his celebration, not theirs. They can “man up” for one meal. Plus you could serve the meat analogs that would probably fool them anyway.
Cb
My partner is veggie and while we’re having meat (he’s a lifelong veggie, hippie parents rather than animal rights issues) I would totally support this. I would want the bride and groom to feel comfortable on their day and like you, wouldn’t expect people to violate their values to check off boxes.
Anon
Sorry to TJ–but are you engaged? Congratulation! I missed that I guess. I remember when you first started seeing this guy (sorry if that is creepy, I am just a regular reader with an oddly good memory for random things.)
Cb
Haha! Wow, good memory, we did get engaged last month. We’re getting married next autumn and while I hate wedding planning, I’m so grateful that I’ve found such an awesome partner in crime.
Calibrachoa
… I totally missed this. Congratulations! :D
Susedna
Also missed this. Congrats! So delighted that you’ve got a partner in crime, and an awesome one at that! :-)
Vegetarian Wedding
Wow congrats, Cb!
MJ
What?!? Cb, I am so excited for you! You can’t omit important details from the Hive like this. So fantastic! You literally made my day!
Monday
I’m so glad I didn’t Google anything when I was planning my wedding. Somebody will have a problem with absolutely anything that anyone does. I say your fiance’s firm ethical belief (if that’s what it is) in not serving meat definitely trumps guests being disappointed with the meal because it’s not what they’re used to. Put together a thoughtful and delicious vegetarian menu.
Cb
Yes, this. There are whole threads of people talking about how so and so doesn’t eat anything but meat and you’d be horribly rude to deprive them of that.
Need a cowgirl-type shirt
Aiii — my comment is below.
But yes — go for it.
Killer Kitten Heels
I think the key to not coming off as selfish is to make sure you’re serving food that objectively tastes good and – apart from the lack of meat – is otherwise fairly “mainstream”, whatever that means for your friends and family. Don’t try to “trick” people with faux-meat – just serve things that happen to not contain meat, like eggplant lasagna or macaroni and cheese or similar. Ideally, you want people to basically not notice that there’s no meat, because what’s there is so good/appealing/”normal.”
Vegetarian Wedding
Thanks for everyone’s input.
Fortunately, we live in NYC, so we are not really worried about not finding good vegetarian catering options (we are thinking about an Indian veggie buffet).
A Nonny Moose
That sounds like the best wedding food ever.
L
If people complain, I will happily take their place. Yum.
Unsolicited advice, if you do go indian food route, make sure you have something mild spicy for those who sweat a lot with spicy food. That is thoughtful. The absence of meat is no big deal.
Nonny
Yum. Can I come? :-)
Anon
Dude, it is your wedding. If I’m happy for you and excited to attend, then I don’t care what you want to serve me. All I want to know for sure is whether I”ll be getting a meal or just hors d’oevres/cake & punch, so that I know if I need to eat before hand (or throw a pro bar in my clutch).
Go for it.
Signed, someone who eats meat at every meal she cooks/serves herself, but happily enjoys vegan restaurants when that is where her vegan friend wants to go because it is NOT ABOUT THE FOOD. And veggies are tasty.
Anon
People might prefer meat, but it’s one night and it’s a special occasion where the food is likely to be delicious. I don’t understand why people make a stink out of not getting their preferred dish for someone else’s one-time event – they can stuff themselves silly with meat every day leading up to it if they have to. Serve what you want and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not okay!
hoola hoopa
This. We’re meat eaters, fwiw. When a vegetarian friend invites us to dinner, we don’t expect meat. I wouldn’t expect it at their wedding either. It’s completely possible to be a gracious host and not serve meat.
rosie
I think as long as you provide a variety of filling foods that will appeal to people not used to vegetarian food (think veg lasagna rather than only seitan), it’s fine. I don’t eat meat, though. We had fish/vegetarian at our wedding, and I think everyone was happy. I have been to weddings that served similar food, as well as a vegan wedding, and enjoyed it all as a guest (and did not hear anyone complaining, although that would be pretty rude of them).
Susedna
1) I am pretty omnivorous, and I have an awesome recipe for pork ribs, but… if I were invited to a wedding that had only vegetarian food, I’d be 100% fine with that!
My being there would be to witness people I know and love getting married and speaking their vows to each other, with celebrating afterwards. I’d like to think that people aren’t really so petty that they’d be getting their noses out of joint if for ONE meal for ONE day, they can’t have *everything* they want. I’ve gone to Russian weddings where there was a huge proliferation of pickled, well, everything, and while that’s not to my taste, I tried a few, thought it was an interesting culinary adventure, and moved on to the foods I *can* eat. I thought it was neat, even though I certainly didn’t do that for my own wedding.
2) Seriously, in this culture, we joke about bridezillas, but there are definitely some Guestzillas, like the people who raised a stink in the Chelsea Clinton wedding. Just know that Guestzillas will always find fault with everything. You can’t please them anyways, so it’s often futile to try.
3) Part of me gets rubbed the wrong way when I know that many people would not be raising objections if they learned that the vegetarian meal is religious-based (Hinduism, Jainism, strict Buddhism, etc.) but raise objections when it’s your fiance’s ethical views (not necessarily tied to religion)? It really bugs me that organized religion is this trump card that carries more weight than someone’s ethical views. Especially when I think that our ethical views are both shaped by our religious views, and our religions evolve because of participants/believers’ ethical views.
roses
+1 to all of this!!! Seriously, it pleases me so much that everyone has expressed a rational view about this. I’ve seen people get torn apart on those awful wedding boards for thinking about having a vegetarian wedding. Unless someone has some extreme allergies (and I think those people would be used to eating beforehand/ordering special meals), anyone should be able to have one meal without meat and be nourished. From pizza to pasta to casseroles, there a ton of filling, mainstream, delicious vegetarian meals that omnivores should be happy with.
Godzilla
Totally cosign. I’m as meatatarian as they come but if you want a vegetarian menu for your wedding, go for it!
Houston Attny
I agree. Go with what floats your boat. I eat meat (bacon might be my favorite food), but I’d love to try more vegetarian things and if my dear friend was a vegetarian, I wouldn’t be at all put out by her choices. (But I might eat 2 pieces of cake because I’d feel so dang healthy after dinner!)
CKB
Excellent post. Completely agree.
We are definitely omnivores at our house, and eat lots of meat, but one veggie meal would not even phase me (or dh). We would totally be able to deal, and besides, the reason we were there would be to celebrate with you, not just the free food. Don’t let the guest-zillas worry you! What is the saying from Dr Seuss? The people who matter don’t mind, and the people that mind don’t matter, or something like that.
Anne Shirley
The only time I think this poses an issue is if someone else is paying. If, for example, your parents are paying, and their understanding of hospitality includes offering guests a choice of meat, I think those views need to be respected. If you and FI are paying for it yourselves go for it! And if possible look for a caterer/venue that has done a vegetarian wedding before.
Anon
I’m not a vegetarian and I love meat, but I went to a friend’s wedding last year that had a vegetarian menu (she is a vegetarian, he was not but has started eating mostly vegetarian since they started living together). I didn’t mind at all because the food was AWESOME. They clearly spent a lot of time and energy putting together the menu, and it was some of the best food I’ve ever had at a wedding. Even if it wasn’t, though, I was there to celebrate my friends and would not have complained either way. It’s your wedding — don’t worry about what other people think. There’s always going to be someone somewhere who is going to find fault with any aspect of it. But if you want to make people happy, just serve really good food and no one will care that it’s meatless :)
Margaret
FWIW, we had a dry wedding for various important personal reasons, and that is far more contentious on the Internets than a vegetarian wedding. Both my husband and I were VERY self-conscious about it at the time, but nonetheless firm that it was the right decision for us. And you know what, years later, neither of us has ever heard so much as a peep that people cared or are angry with us or something. In fact, I was surprised that we’ve had a bunch of people tell us spontaneously that it was a great, fun wedding. (I mean, some might have been annoyed of course, but no one said anything to us, so I’m happily in denial.) I like to think we have the friends (and thus wedding guests) we deserve, and if you are good, understanding people, your guests probably are, too.
Seventh Sister
It sounds like you did it in the nicest way possible! So basically the polar opposite of my family.
A relative had a dry wedding, mostly for religious / venue reasons. That was fine on its own, but the thing that rankled was that all of my relatives who do drink got a nasty, patronizing email about not sneaking booze into the reception.
My sibling canceled her flight to the wedding and has not spoken to said relatives since that email. They always liked her better than me, so I think she was mostly hurt that she was considered just as “bad” as I am.*
Apparently the memo was not circulated to the other side of the family, as they were all sneaking out to their trucks to have a nip during the dinner buffet.
*We aren’t LDS, and I think we were all surprised it was such an issue since there is a lot of variance in conservative Christian denominations about drinking. There is certainly a spectrum in my own family – from my grandmother who was uncomfortable having alcohol in the house to my cocktail-wielding great-aunts.
Anonymous
I would like to point out that I have been to a Mormon wedding and have complained about the lack of alcohol (half-joking, half-not).
But, I think there are so many delicious options for non-meat dinners. Even people who eat meat don’t have to eat it at every single meal. They can have meat at breakfast the next day.
wildkitten
Booze is very important when dancing in public with strangers. Chicken is less crucial.
Orangerie
+1000
C
LOL! Awesome!
Jules
Echoing the comments that it’s YOUR wedding. Why would you serve something that one of the new spouses is uncomfortable with? (Do people get to demand that you serve meat if they come to your house for dinner? No, and it should be the same at the wedding that you host.)
I also agree that if the food is good many people won’t even notice. Our wedding was vegetarian — we had an afternoon ceremony, and we didn’t have a ton of money, so it was a buffet of salad, beautiful little tea sandwiches, and fruit on skewers — and everyone loved it.
Sarabeth
Just wanted to chime in with a success story. My husband and I are both longtime vegetarians. We actually had three ‘weddings’ (in San Francisco, a Southern small town, and England) due to far-flung family and friends, and served not a bit of meat at any of them. Obviously it’s possible someone gossiped about this behind our backs, but no one was rude enough to complain to our faces!
I agree that if you are not serving meat, it’s worth spending a bit more time/money to ensure that the food is delicious and appealing to meat-eaters. It’s also nice to still offer guests a choice if possible, just between two different veg dishes rather than chicken or beef or whatever. FWIW, at our various parties, we had polenta with tomato-kale topping; wild mushroom risotto; vegetable lasagne; and an Indian buffet (NB: neither of us are South Asian).
wildkitten
I went to a wedding that had a vegetarian menu but the lasagna was so delicious that was all I noticed was the deliciousness. I could see a vegetarian menu being done badly, but meat can be done badly too.
Sadie
I totally agree it’s your wedding, do what you want!
I’d just say, maybe somehow get the word out that it’s a vegetarian meal. I only say this because I have multiple issues that mean I essentially can’t eat grain and dairy. Grain and cheese are pretty common in vegetarian meals. Now, I in NO WAY expect anyone to adjust meals for my food issues. I’ve had them a long, long time, and I’m used to figuring out my own way. But I would just like to know if someone is going to have a vegetarian meal, so I know to eat before I leave my house and to take a snack with me.
Flying Squirrel
I don’t eat beef, not entirely for religious reasons, but my family is Hindu so that at least makes it more normal to me not to. DH definitely does eat meat. But he really had no issue not serving steak at our wedding since it meant something to me (and my family appreciated it as well).
I feel like couples should try to make things comfortable for their guests, but only to a certain point. So, if you know that there was going to be a vegetarian guest at your wedding, definitely make sure there is food for them (unlike a friend for whom I was a BM whose meal was only steak and even the bread had bacon in it). But no one who eats/likes meat will starve if there is a vegetarian meal. Despite what some people say, there is really no medical condition or specialty diet that prevents you from eating any kind of bread or vegetable (even paleo diets allow some veggies).
So if this is important to your Fiance, and you are okay with it…I say go for it!
lucy stone
Go for it. People are going to complain about your wedding food no matter what, so serve what you’d like. We had one friend complain there were too many carbs and starches, one complain there were too many vegetables, my “gluten-free” MIL didn’t eat her special plate of gluten free stuff and ate off the buffet instead, etc.
We had Indian buffet at our best man’s wedding and it was awesome.
Vegetarian Wedding
Thanks again for everyone’s input. I lost some sleep after reading some wedding board threads on that were very harsh on the decision to go vegetarian. It’s nice to see those views are not necessarily the consensus.
Parfait
I had a vegetarian wedding and my brother had a no-booze wedding. I heard a lot more complaints from the masses about the latter than the former.
Anon
One thing I would say is if you’re doing food that isn’t “standard” male sure it’s plentiful and try to have options! My DH and I are both vegetarian and I was so excited to go to a few vegetarian weddings- everyone was raving about one because there was a lot of food and some was warm, comfort food classics. I don’t think anyone even noticed it was vegetarian. One had guests (including me!) less satisfied because I left the night so so hungry (there were issues other than just what was served- no sit down dinner, no buffet, just passed bites for an event that went from 3-12 and a lot of the options were things like tofu, seitan,, veggies and dip). I don’t think what you serve is critical, but try to have filling things. My family always equates vegetarian withy salad, which is why certain members who like hearty food think I’m crazy for being veg, even though there are plenty of hearty veg meals!
Veggie lover
Its your wedding, I say go for it! If its really important to your soon to be husband, then most of his family and friends already know, and likely your circle too. They can make some AMAZING vegan/vegetarian meals these days that no one will notice, and if you add an awesome booze section and fancy cake, no one will notice. In fact, I have no clue what was served at the last three weddings I went to, come to think of it.
And like Lucy Stone said, people are going to complain anyways, so may as well have it be what you want!
Very Anon Update
I posted a few weeks ago, asking for advice whether to tell my boss about some mental health issues I’ve been suffering from. Update:
I had a terrible day last week, to the point where my work product suffered a lot, and decided it was better to be candid. I wrote a letter using fairly clinical language (didn’t run on, just said that I was suffering from X and Y and Z and was seeing my doctor about it). I also offered to talk about it in person if he wanted. We had a conversation about it a day or two later, where he shared some pretty personal stuff about his own experiences with X and Y and Z. He said he’d give me whatever I needed, including time off, and was extremely supportive and understanding. He certainly confirmed that he is one of the nicest bosses I can ever hope to work for.
Hopefully sharing my good experience will help others who might deal with this in the future.
mascot
I am happy you found a supportive ear. I feel like the stigma and nature of mental health issues really skews our ability to see how common they really are.
Susedna
Hey, I’m really glad it worked out well and that your boss was so supportive and understanding.
A friend of mine, going through a wretched time in his PhD program did this w/his advisor, and was similarly supported. (He had a similar conversation years later with a different boss once he left the PhD program, and was also given a lot of support and understanding.)
Continuing on the thankfulness thread from last week — I am thankful there are some really good managers out there who truly care about people and build that into their work environment in some way.
Godzilla
That’s awesome! Hugs and rawrs
zora
Wow, that is amazing. I am so happy for you that you were able to talk to him about this and you are getting the support you need. I hope you feel better soon.
tesyaa
I think an amazing vegetarian meal would be fine at a wedding. If serving meat compromises his principles, don’t do it. For me, as long as dessert is served, I would be satisfied.
tesyaa
sorry, wrong thread :\
Senior Attorney
Hooray! I am so glad your boss responded appropriately, and I hope this will be the beginning of things looking up for you! Thanks so much for coming back to update… I have been thinking about you and wondering how things were going.
Maddie Ross
So glad to hear it. I think most people would be surprised how prevalent mental health issues are among professionals. My husband recently went thru a similiar situation and ultimately decided he needed to come clean to his boss about his issues as it was impacting his work. Like you, he did via email so he would not have to have that conversation. The next day, his boss came in to talk to him and confessed he’d been dealing with similiar issues for years and was ultimately very understanding of him taking time to get help and get back on track. Hope you’re feeling better soon!
Silvercurls
Mental health is so important! Good for you for speaking up for yourself, and YAY for your boss for being a mentsch (good person) when you talked face to face.
Flying Squirrel
I don’t eat beef, not entirely for religious reasons, but my family is Hindu so that at least makes it more normal to me not to. DH definitely does eat meat. But he really had no issue not serving steak at our wedding since it meant something to me (and my family appreciated it as well).
I feel like couples should try to make things comfortable for their guests, but only to a certain point. So, if you know that there was going to be a vegetarian guest at your wedding, definitely make sure there is food for them (unlike a friend for whom I was a BM whose meal was only steak and even the bread had bacon in it). But no one who eats/likes meat will starve if there is a vegetarian meal. Despite what some people say, there is really no medical condition or specialty diet that prevents you from eating any kind of bread or vegetable (even paleo diets allow some veggies).
So if this is important to your Fiance, and you are okay with it…I say go for it!
Flying Squirrel
Whoops, obviously this was for Vegetarian Wedding ;)
Flaky friend problem
I have a good friend who will make plans and then cancel by saying “would you mind if we rescheduled?” or “would you hate me if I cancelled?” She also did this for my college graduation (which was local for her) by saying “would you be mad…oh, sorry, I didn’t realize it was important to you.” I’m getting annoyed with her basically getting my permission to cancel plans because obviously I’m not going to respond with “yes, I will hate you forever if you cancel our lunch plans.” Is there a better way to indicate that yes, this consistently flaky behavior is really annoying and is in fact making me mad because of how often it occurs? I’d like to be able to say something that effectively puts the burden of canceling the plans back on her (such as “do whatever you want to do” but less snarky). Any suggestions? TIA!
Killer Kitten Heels
Just stop making plans with her. Let her initiate the plans – then if she cancels last-minute, that gives you more of an opening to push back on her. If she’s the one who made the plans in the first place, I think you’d have grounds to ask some version of “Hey, you set this up, now you’re canceling, what’s the deal? Everything okay?”
Senior Attorney
I did this when my best friend of 20 years got beyond-the-pale flaky. The result? I haven’t seen or heard from her in months. So be warned — when you stop making all the effort you may discover that, well, you were making all the effort.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this!
Killer Kitten Heels
Oh yes, I was definitely thinking this could happen, probably should’ve mentioned it. Maybe if OP isn’t ready to totally lose the friendship, she could put a time limit on it – say, only initiating plans once a month, or once every three months, or however many times per year OP is comfortable potentially getting cancelled on?
Flaky friend problem
I actually did do that about a year ago – I stopped making any suggestions for plans and didn’t follow up on any of the cancelled ones that we were supposed to reschedule. My friend did continue to suggest doing things or would say “I miss you” and act as though she wanted to meet up, but would still cancel really frequently even for plans she suggested (“I know I suggested we do coffee tomorrow, but would you be really mad if…”). That’s the thing – why does she keep suggesting things, keep canceling, and keep trying to make sure I’m not mad instead of just committing to the plans? I’ll have to start trying the “it’s okay, but I’m disappointed…” language – maybe that will get through to her better than my current strategy of letting her make the plans.
Monday
Yes, that kind of language is very annoying because it sets up a straw man. Obviously you don’t “hate” her, so any response other than “no problem!” casts you in the role of making drama. Maybe say something like “Of course I don’t hate you/am not mad, but it is disappointing/difficult to make plans given how often/how late you cancel with me. What can we do differently going forward?”
Brant
You don’t have to say, “yes, I will hate you,” but you could say something like, “that’s really disappointing- I was looking forward to swing you/counting on you/rearranged my schedule for you.”
Pink
+1 I like it. No finger pointing but very direct!
Godzilla
Eff that. If this is a consistent pattern, my answer would be YES*. How are people without common sense supposed to know you’re pi55ing them off if you don’t let them know?
*Actually, my bff bailed on plans with me recently and apologized a lot and whatever and I told her that she always bails when I make the plans. If she makes them, they’re never cancelled. She never realized but now she’s trying to make it up to me.
CountC
+10,000,000 She’s being rude whether she realizes it or not. Call her out on it. If she is a good friend, she will do what Godzilla’s friend did and try to mend her ways and make up for it. If she is not a good friend, I doubt you will really see or hear from her again, but then what’s the loss here? You rarely see her since she cancels on you all the time anyway. If this was a guy you were dating I would tell you to drop him like a hot potato, why is it different with girlfriends? It shouldn’t be. Your time is valuable, treat it as such.
Godzilla
And just to follow up, it was really uncomfortable saying, “Yeah yeah, you say you’re sorry but you always feel free to cancel on the plans *I* make”. But it really hurt my feelings and made me angry. I don’t know why it’s so uncomfortable but a real friend would try (barring illnesses or whatever). It’s not easy to call people out on their behavior but you should.
CountC
It’s definitely hard!
L
Perhaps you should ask her if everything is okay? I was a flake due to a chronic health condition that I didn’t really want to talk much about. I thought I was hiding it pretty well until one of my friends flat out asked me (nicely) why I was cancelling all the time. We worked it out to where we’d make plans and if I felt like I couldn’t go out, we’d have a couch date and catch up that way. Some people don’t want to announce that they’re sick/have stuff going on in their lives until they realize they’re hurting the people they care about.
Or she might just be a bad friend. But either way, worth raising the behavior.
Godzilla
Another very good point.
Flaky friend problem
Thanks for the good advice, ladies. I think I definitely need to call her out on it (it’s not a personal or health issue thing – we basically know all of each other’s secrets and talk about our problems and stuff) and just say that it’s really disappointing because I made time for her or something. It’s easier said than done, of course, but I think it will be worth it to at least try to make her see how I feel.
Need a cowgirl-type shirt
As long as you feed people that you have there at meal-times, I don’t think it’s right for guests to complain (so fooey on them if they do). And if they complain to that you can hear it, their mamma should have reared them better. It is one meal out of their whole lifetime!
FWIW, I had some guests at my wedding who could not eat various things and made sure that we had some things that they could eat (in my part of the country, there is nothing wrong with loading up on homemade macaroni & cheese).
If you are worried about people feeling un-full and these people are good people who you know won’t make a stink, a joke like “Our reception will be vegetarian; there is Bojangles en route if you need it” may be in order. But I don’t think you have to.
Esquared
Veg here who had meat at our wedding because my parent’s put a little bit of pressure on us. Husband’s immediate family is veg also, but none of us are that offended by being around meat. So I totally get the dilemma you are facing. I’ve always figured that non-vegs can eat veg food, so it’s not that big of a deal to not have meat and still pretty much feel that way.
Funny story is that 1 of my friends went and had meat pre-wedding because even though I had told her we’d have meat, she didn’t really believe me…. so you know, people cope (or maybe taking a lesson from the person above, you can tell people to bring their meat-flasks).
We also had pizza as one of the courses at our wedding, so you know it was obviously a classy affair.
I feel like everyone always complains about something about weddings, you kind of just have to plan your best day, consider other’s needs to a reasonable degree & move on.
Warm jackets
Does anyone have a recommendation for a warm jacket for spending time outdoors that is not too spendy or too bulky? I was browsing at Nordstrom’s the other day and like the north face thunder jacket because it is very lightweight and also warm (800 down), but at $250 it is too expensive and I feel like much of the price is attributable to the popularity of the brand. Something that withstands the wind/rain is preferrable. Thanks in advance!
mascot
Perhaps this one from REI? The fill-power is a bit lower (650) but it meets your other requirements. I’ve always had good luck with the REI branded gear http://www.rei.com/product/854998/rei-therum-down-jacket-womens
Killer Kitten Heels
I found a great down jacket at Marshall’s over the weekend – maybe try there and/or TJ Maxx? (They had North Face and Columbia on the racks at about 50% off retail, although I ended up going with a different brand.)
Also, Lands End, Eddie Bauer, and LL Bean all sell similar-style coats at a somewhat lower price point (Lands End is least expensive, especially with sales, EB is probably middle of the road, and then LL Bean is most expensive, but they guarantee their products for life and are, IMO, the highest quality of the three).
Mpls
Also, Lands End. They have a wide range of outerwear – down, primaloft, thinsulate. But, please consider that lightweight + warm (depending on the temp range) + non-bulky is kind of asking a lot. Basically, you are looking for a non-bulky down, or some time of tech material – both of which can be expensive.
CKB
My nice warm down filled winter jacket that works wonderfully for my Canadian city I got at Costco for about $80. This will be it’s 3rd winter and I expect it to last 4 (unless the cream color gets really stained).
Not sure about the price but several years ago I got a great winter jacket at Eddie Bauer.
LF
Warm, not too bulky:
http://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/70409?feat=610-GN1&page=winter-warmer-coat
I walked to work every day in northern Vermont in this coat last year.
In the Pink
Strangely enough you might try WearGuard which was bought by Aramark. I have a set that turns into just a fleece, just the outer coat, and then really warm when worn together. Braved blizzards with it. Can’t say enough.
Anon
I got a great down jacket at REI (I think it’s called the “Chilly Down Parka”) last year through a Black Friday deal. It’s not huge and long (I’ve also got one of those) but having your butt covered makes a difference.
Anon
I’m getting ready to have a conversation with one of my mid-level individual contributor employees who talks? Like this? All the time? She doesn’t really aspire to get the corner office, so to speak, but it does impact how others in and outside our company perceive her. Anyone had experience with valley girl speak interventions?
Carrie Preston
Uniglo makes some really nice warm puffer jackets that are designed to be non-bulky & a couple fold up and fit in a handbag. I think NorthFace also makes something similar.
KLG
So tesyaa’s question got me thinking. My 13 year old stepdaughter wears glasses and contacts. Last year, when she was mainly wearing contacts and rarely wearing glasses, her mom let her get a new pair of glasses. She wore the new glasses for about 6 weeks in the evenings and occasionally to school and then decided she didn’t like the new glasses and went back to wearing her old ones. Currently she rarely wears her contacts and wears her glasses even for sports. I’m tempted to say she cannot get new frames this time and we can put new lenses in either the pair she’s currently wearing or the newer pair that she only wore for a month or two. I’m not trying to be an ogre but I’m also not trying to pay for another pair of glasses that isn’t going to get worn. I also don’t know what most people do in terms of updating glasses for their teens. My parents updated my lenses every year when I was kid/teenager, but I had to wear the frames for 2 years at a time. Any thoughts?
Susedna
As a very myopic person, I was under the same system w/my parents — same frames for 2yrs, updated lenses every year because of worsening myopia.
You’re not an ogre. My parents made it very clear that if I asked for new frames and then didn’t like them or didn’t want to wear them, I was being spoiled and wasting their hard-earned money.
Kids need to learn that expensive stuff (like glasses) aren’t to be chosen and discarded on a whim.
Godzilla
Same. And we got the butt-ugly cheapest frames, shudder. Since there are so many affordable options now, you can purchase a complete pair online for your stepdaughter or purchase frames online and have them fitted with store-crafted lenses.
Anne Shirley
I had to wear the same frames for a few years at a time- we just couldn’t afford to upgrade more frequently. But is it her father’s “turn” to buy new ones this year? If he and her mother have established, even loosely, a pattern of alternating this expense, I’d be hesitant to change it now. Might turn into a bigger headache than it needs to be.
Brant
As someone who wore glasses since age 8, I can assure you that they ALL looked awful to me as a teen. And I alsways thought the next ones would look better – and they never did.
Talk to her and see how often she thinks she’ll wear them. If she likes her old ones, why does she want new ones? Maybe go to the store and see if there are any she really likes. If not- and she’s just looking for something new, maybe offer to split the savings with her? Then she can get new shoes or a sweater or something and put new lenses in her old frames. You may also want to figure out why she doesn’t wear her contacts- do they bother her? I didn’t wear my glasses EVER after the day I got contacts.
hoola hoopa
+1
I’ve worn glasses since I was an infant, and I still occasionally pick out a pair and decide that I actually don’t like them. It happens. I’m sure that you’ve purchased something only to not use it much. We all pick out things that we later regret, even when they are expensive. Picking out new glasses is particularly hard because you can’t see them when you try them on because they don’t have your prescription lenses in them. And she has to wear them on her face every day, so wearing a pair that makes you feel extra uncomfortable or ugly is *really* hard. It sounds to me like she quietly resolved the issue herself by simply going back to her old pair, so I’d cut her some slack.
Let her pick out a new pair at the regular interval. Don’t penalize her. I also like Brant’s suggestion for letting her pay for a replacement if she’s asking to do so.
It would be helpful to know what about them she doesn’t like. For example, if they are simply uncomfortable, they can be adjusted. If most of the cost is in the lenses (because she has a crazy prescription like me), occasion the same lenses can be put in a different frame. And if the prescription doesn’t feel quite right (which happens), then you’ll want to let her optometrist/ophthalmologist know for the next time.
Jenna Rink
This! Buying glasses is so hard. Even as an adult, knowing what I like, I’ve still had to return glasses a couple times because they turned out terribly uncomfortable after a few weeks. On those lines, think about getting glasses somewhere with a generous return policy. Lenscrafters has a 90 day window where you can return/exchange glasses without any issue, and I’m sure there are other places with similar policies. But really, your stepdaughter picked out the wrong glasses once, cut her a little slack.
Senior Attorney
You did ask for “ANY thoughts,” so mine are these: Let her mom and dad work this out themselves and convey their decision to the young lady in question. I can’t see any upside to you, the stepmom, being the lenses-and-frames police in this scenario.
KLG
I do completely understand that and I didn’t mention this in the original post, but as a non glasses wearer, my husband doesn’t think she even needs new lenses every year, especially since she’s now wearing out of date lenses by choice. Having worn glasses since age 8 myself, I do think that she needs new lenses if her prescription changes enough. (Otherwise she can get headaches, strain her eyes, etc.). So I’m trying to explain to him what I think is fair and appropriate so that he and her mom can discuss it. I think he’s being ridiculous going to mom and saying no new glasses or lenses. But I wanted to make sure what I think is appropriate is in fact appropriate and not just as ogre-ish as he is being. :)
Amberwitch
That is really thoughtful of you. It would be nice if we all could be such good stepparents.
Can you see the envy emanating from this post;-?
Senior Attorney
Beautiful! :)
Carry on…
Flying Squirrel
Before you make a decision, I think you have to understand why she stopped wearing the newer pair. If it’s discomfort, that’s definitely happened to me (took a while to figure it out)…even on really expensive glasses. Sometimes that can be corrected, sometimes it can’t. It does sound like she made an effort with the newer pair for a few weeks, so it’s not like she just casually tossed them aside.
If it turns out, however, that she just got bored and preferred her older pair, then the no new frames thing is reasonable. But, honestly, wearing glasses in h/s s*cks no matter what. Assuming she’s not asking for crazy expensive new frames, it’s a minor indulgence that can make someone feel so much better about themselves.
Parfait
One time when I was a kid, I picked out frames that I liked fine – then got to school and was viciously teased about them. Maybe the “I don’t like these any more” is externally driven?
Aerith
Decide what interval is acceptable (one a year, once every two years, etc) and hold her to it. She struggled through a whole year, so I’d probably let her get new ones. I only got them every two years, but now there are so many cheap options online that I bet my parents would have gone for it more often.
Carrie Preston
I wore glasses as a kid too, until I stopped completely because they were so dorky and I didn’t want to be made fun of. Not seeing wasn’t fun. I know there’s the spoiling issue, but this is a particularly not-fun thing to have to wear as a kid that I’d be tempted to make an exception. What about trying some of the cheaper online places like Warby Parker?
lucy stone
Could you suggest to her that she wear her contacts while picking out new frames? I do this and it’s made a big difference in how much I like the frames.
Pink
+1
doesn’t everybody with contacts as an option not do this?
Also had awful glasses looking back at them (pink and purple paint on metal), but only got new ones as vision changed. Now that they’ve stablizied, I buy when I feel like it, but haven’t since 2011.
Shopping Question
I’m looking for a winter coat that is: (1) very warm, and preferably somewhat weatherproof; and (2) professional, rather than “outdoorsy” looking. I’ve owned the J.Crew coats that are lined with thinsulate, but personally, haven’t found them to be particularly warm and have encountered some quality issues (e.g., lining that is absolutely shredded within 1-2 years of wear). I would love something with the style/fit of the J.Crew coats, however, and do not want something puffy, with logos, etc. Any ideas?
BB
I have an Icebreaker coat (they usually have a couple of peacoat-y styles every year). It’s not as warm as my down puffy jacket, but it’s 100% thick merino wool and very warm. They are a performance wear brand (like North Face) so they are good at functional clothing. I had it on today over a cashmere sweater and it’s 20 degrees here in Boston. My torso was pretty warm walking from to/from my car while my legs were freezing. I’ve had mine for about 2 years. I wouldn’t recommend it for walking long distances, but it’s great for a non-walk commute where you’re only walking for a few minutes at a time.
Mpls
How warm is “very warm” for you? Are temps going to be in the 30s, 20s, teens, or below zero?
Longer coats are going to be warmer than shorter coats, so try to have something that covers your bum, and is mid thigh or knee length.
Shopaholic
So I have a bit of a weird dilemma – I have a very close guy friend and about a year ago, he started dating someone seriously. We would still hang out, but he would initiate less and message me less frequently than he used to. He had always been a little passive though so it wasn’t a huge departure from before. When we hung out, it would still be like before so I didn’t really realize that anything had changed. I saw him and his girlfriend at my birthday party a couple months ago, and everything seemed fine.
I’ve messaged him a few times since then and have had no response. It seems SO odd to me. I don’t know if I should message him again or ask him if he decided that he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore or what. It’s not like we hung out every weekend or anything but I did enjoy hanging out with him when we did. Any advice?
TIA!
wildkitten
Chill out. People’s lives change and they get busy – it doesn’t mean they’ve decided they don’t want to talk to you ever again.
posey
I would try to casually bring it up and see how he responds, and then go by his reaction. If he seems truly apologetic and that he didn’t realize he was neglecting you, give him the benefit of the doubt and realize he’s probably just in a honeymoon phase. If he reacts defensively, realize that something else might be the issue (his new GF might have told him he needs to cut ties, maybe he always harbored a crush on you that has now resolved and he’s not as interested, etc.) and that the relationship might be going through a low point. The ignoring thing could go either way so I would confront him about it in a way that he had to respond (i.e., call him or talk to him in person).
I have a personal story like this, and when I called my friend out on it, his response was basically, You’re being crazy and making up drama in your head. That was all the answer I needed and we stopped being friends. Later he told me that his new girlfriend made him stop talking to me, which made sense, but by that point the damage was done and we were never friends again.
Esquared
I kinda think that’s usually the answer when you ask someone a question like this… I would just slowly disengage yourself. I find I hold certain friends to a higher level and that’s usually when I get pissy about them not-responding how I expect them to respond, but when I down-grade them to myself, I’m less involved and enjoy more when we do get to hang out… or am more ok when we drift apart.
Anne Shirley
How about messaging/emailing the two of them and suggesting holiday drinks at bar x on Dec. x at 5? I think it’s a bit too soon to worry that he never wants to see you again, he may just be busy and/or worried about imposing on friend time by bringing girlfriend.
Walnut
Agreed. Start hanging out with both of them until new gf is comfortable with your friendship. Yes, it’s annoying, but it is the easiest way to diffuse a (potential) jealous gf scenario.
Calibrachoa
I have finally caught up on Supernatural. I mainlined 8+ seasons in 4 weeks and feel like I ran a marathon 0.o
I think this proved I have no social life to speak of XD
Mpls
I liked the addition of Felicia Day. Of course, I think she’s charming in most everything…
Calibrachoa
I am not a big fan of hers but I adore Charlie! Although my favorite is Crowley. I can’t wait to see what they do with him in season 9…
Shoe Question
I know this is a silly questions, but what neutral colored pants would you pair brown dress boots (like these: https://www.google.com/search?q=brown+boots&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Address&ie=&oe=#q=brown+cognac+dress+boots&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Address&tbm=shop&spd=3572961693798008273) with? TIA!
TBK
Ladies, I got some scary news from my OB. I have a high risk of going into labor very preterm (as in at 24 or 25 weeks). There’s a new thing that has shown a lot of promise for my situation — twin pregnancy with risk of preterm labor — and we’re trying that. But it’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever dealt with. I’m scared of losing the babies. I’m scared of delivering really early and losing them, or of them having significant disabilities because of such an early delivery. We’re just going to have to live with this uncertainty for the rest of the pregnancy. There’s no point at which we can say “okay, we made it this far — smooth sailing” until we actually get to, say, 34 or 36 weeks when the risks will be minimal. We just have to go through one week at a time. But that’s (hopefully!!!) a lot of weeks to get through. I’ve spent the whole weekend crying. I saw them on the ultrasound at the last appointment and they looked absolutely perfect. I also just started feeling them move, and can actually feel a head/backside/elbow/etc. through my belly now when they’re poking out. While this should be a happy moment, it just made my husband and me feel sadder because it seems like there’s so much more to lose.
Senior Attorney
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this! Sending lots of support and good vibes and hopes that the new thing will be effective for you and your sweet babies! XXX OOO
posey
I’m really, really sorry you’re going through this. The good news is that you know this is an issue and will be monitored. I know that all the positive success stories won’t make it easier to go through this, but even babies at 24 or 25 weeks have great chances of being completely healthy and normal.
Try not to look at it as getting to 34 weeks or bust. Every single day they’re inside of you is an accomplishment and is increasing their chances of being completely fine.
mascot
+1. Each day on the inside is a victory. Modern medicine can do great things.
Forgive me if this isn’t the case and disregard the following. I never liked how OBs delivered statistics. It seems like mine always phrased probabilities as a “1 out of x.” And somehow 1 out of 4 sounds so much scarier than saying 25% or better still, 75% of the time, this isn’t an issue.
Calibrachoa
I’m so sorry to hear that *hugs* Hope everything goes well fo your and your babies
Hugs
I am so sorry to hear that. I just started my first round of IVF injections last night and the uncertainty each step of the way is just so overwhelming. I can imagine it carries well into parenthood. I hope the treatment is successful – on the positive side, at least they caught the risk early and are carefully monitoring it. But hugs, because I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.
In terms of getting through these endless weeks, you may want to look at some of the books by Pema Chodron, a very cool Buddhist nun. Both The Places that Scare You and When Things Fall Apart, are about coping with uncertainty, and pain and suffering. Overall, I find her accessible (she wasn’t always a nun) and the books have been comforting in this whole infertility journey.
Silvercurls
I’m sorry to hear this! Yes,it’s scary and stressful. If bed rest becomes your next destination, the organization Sidelines (www dot sidelines dot org) offers information, support, and telephone buddies. Hopefully you will also be supported by family, friends, or a congregation/other community. (My own experience was bed rest from week 25-36, then 2 weeks on my usual routine and healthy delivery at 38 weeks. We had help from Sidelines, family, & friends. Sorry to be autobiographical but I didn’t want to give the impression of preaching w/out any in-depth knowledge about your situation.)
TBK
Thanks! I’m currently on what you’d probably call home rest — telework, no riding Metro, no walking more than just around the house, no standing for more than a few minutes, no going up and down stairs more than once or twice a day (basically to get up to our bedroom at night, and then back down to the main floor during the day).
As for autobiographical stories, bring ’em on! I’m finding anecdotes to be comforting even though I realize they have absolutely zero impact on my own situation. (Some things are just totally ruled by the emotional brain. This is apparently one of them, at least for me.)
L
Seriously, I swear it works. My good friend was on home/bed rest (couch all day) bed at night because they were very concerned about early delivery. Towards the end she was literally allowed to walk to the bathroom and the car for doctors appointments, but her baby stayed put until 31 weeks and is completely happy/healthy. Invest in some comfy pjs, a memory foam pad for the couch and Netflix!!
Anon
My aunt was on the same protocol starting at 20 weeks. She delivered at almost full-term and my 21 year old cousin is awesome.
In the Pink
Used to work with moms o’premies. Everyone is right – every.single.day you give them is a gift! Accept and/or hire help, find something to occupy your mind…and maybe hands? Many moms took on knitting etc. Premies need smaller clothes and hats to stay warm, so families and moms would start making smaller sized stuff. If you don’t need, someone else will. Remember, babies love and thrive upon happy thoughts from mommy! Praying for you all…
Godzilla
Hugs and rawrs!
Coworker Stories Galore
A coworker delivered at 28wks and her little guy is doing GREAT :) I see him at company functions, and he is awesome – smart, articulate and sassy as can be, just like his mama.
My best friend’s coworker delivered twins at 32wks (I think), and they are doing great too :)
Killer Kitten Heels
A coworker’s wife had twins at 28 weeks – they were tiny little guys, and one struggled a bit with somewhat decreased immunity as a small baby (he was sick very, very often in his first year of life), but they are both now two and completely adorable and fantastic and healthy.
I also have a cousin who was 3 months early – she’s now 26 years old with no lasting ill effects (she’s actually a pretty cool person, too!).
Seattle Freeze
In that spirit – I have a friend whose twins were born two years ago, in November, and came home exactly 3 months later, around what I think was their original due date. They’re now beautifully healthy, gorgeous, rowdy boys doing normal two-year old things.
Having never been through a pregnancy, high-risk or not, I’m inclined to avoid any platitudes or reassurances – but from your posts here I know that you’ve done everything you believed was right so far for your family & your babies and will continue to do so – so hang on & take care of yourself. We’re rooting for you & your babies :)
Anita
I was at risk for preterm labor and ended up on bed rest for the last 2 months of my pregnancy. I delivered a healthy baby at 38 weeks. Take each day at a time and take good care of yourself. Watch lots of silly TV, feel-good movies and eat comforting food. Hugs to you!
Carrie Preston
Since you did ask for an anecdote – my twin nieces were born at 23 weeks, in NICU for a long time, but today they are healthy/happy little 2.5 year olds with no health problems at all. Sending good thoughts your way.
PolyD
A friend of mine went into preterm (about 21-22 weeks) labor with a much-struggled-for pregnancy. She was hospitalized for the duration of the pregnancy, but her little boy was born 38-ish weeks and now is a normal, boisterous, healthy 5 year old.
Hang in there. There is a lot that medical science can do now. Also, don’t drive yourself crazy worrying about “stress” – as someone who works in the biological sciences, there are so many issues with studies of “stress” that I can’t take any of the stress-causes-bad-thing-X studies seriously.
Susedna
Oh my dear, I am really sorry you’re going through this.
I’m just relieved that it’s being monitored, and there is something to try that has success for this situation.
*extra big hugs*
Jules
Hugs and best wishes for you and your family to get through this well.
L
I’m so sorry. Deep breaths and calming thoughts. Stress + pregnant ladies don’t go well. Talk to your doctor, very seriously about what precautions you can/should take. Outsource everything and kick your feet up. I’ve had friends with scary experiences, but you’re in THE BEST area for early term deliveries. Get a good game plan together now for all scenarios, to help yourself stop mentally running through a million different options.
They will come when they come; think of this as the first big test of motherhood.
Houston Attny
Oh TBK, I am rooting for you and these little babies! This has been a long road, I know, and I will be thinking of you and your hubby and your babies. Please keep us posted.
lia
hugs!
Nonny
I am so sorry to hear this! My thoughts are with you and your husband. Just take it one day at a time, try to be easy on yourself and do what you need to do to get through this. We are all here for you.
Sadie
A friend of mine delivered at 25 weeks. Their daughter will be 14 this year. :) She has some health issues, but nothing that interferes with her life, she’s a normal girl and is enjoying high school like she should be.
And there have been LOTS of medical advancements in the last 14 years!
Try to take deep breaths and don’t panic!
TBK
Thanks for the story. A schoolmate of mine has a son born at 23.5 weeks and the little guy is blind and has physical and cognitive disabilities. He seems like a happy little kid, but of course no one wants to think their child will have to live with those problems. So we’re just hoping very much that our guys are able to make it long enough to miss out on all the worst issues.
Anonymous
I am sorry to hear this. I can understand the anxiety and the uncertainty. It must be very tough to feel that kind of stress on a regular basis.
Diana Barry
XOXO. Thinking of you, best wishes for them to cook as long as possible!!!
Flying Squirrel
Maybe hard to imagine right now, but this is definitely the kind of thing for which a second opinion can’t possibly hurt and could make a world of difference (though obviously I don’t know your specific diagnosis). There is so much new information surrounding high risk pregnancies (like almost daily) that diagnoses and treatments may vary significantly even amongst excellent providers.
I think you’re in DC, so you might talk to GW MFM and also Georgetown MFM. There’s definitely no harm in a second opinion, and they may be able to suggest treatment options that significantly reduce the risk of preterm labor.
If the issue is incompetent cervix, as an example, I know that treatment options vary widely between providers (cerclage, steroids to speed development, modified bed rest, procardia to ward off labor if you start feeling contractions, and probably stuff I’ve never heard of…) so it doesn’t hurt to learn more.
But in the meantime, hang in there and be nice to yourself…If I’ve learned anything through the last few years of IF treatments and now finally pregnancy, it’s that the process of getting here is much like being a parent…there’s just not much you can control, and the worrying doesn’t stop for the rest of your life.
PolyD
Oh, if you are in DC, my friend mentioned above was at Fairfax … Not sure of the exact name, but whatever the big hospital in Fairfax is, near the Rte 50 exit. She was very, very pleased with the care she got. Also, who wants to think about this, but the hospital was very good at conveying to her insurance company that yes, she did need to be in the hospital and the insurance company HAD TO PAY FOR IT.
Anon
I am so sorry. It must have been very hard to hear such scary news. Sending you good thoughts.
WestCoast Lawyer
Even with a relatively standard pregnancy I know how stressful it can be, so I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I did see a great video going around Yahoo last week. It was made by the dad of a baby born very prematurely (I think they said 1.5 pounds) and shows the journey from the first days in the NICU (where it sounds like they had some really scary moments) to their son’s first birthday, where he is happy and healthy and looks just like any other 12 month old (complete with a shot of him puking after eating too much cake). It really is a miracle what they can do with premature babies these days.
WestCoast Lawyer
Whoops, CNN. Here’s the link, it was 15 weeks early, so 25 weeks.
http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/living/2013/11/21/newsnow-bpr-babys-first-year-video.hln&iref=obnetwork&video_referrer=http%3A%2F%2Ftraffic.outbrain.com%2Fnetwork%2Fredir%3Fkey%3D5e527e7d45ea2ea853fc6243e94b5484%26rdid%3D671228728%26type%3DYLD_d%2FD1_la%26in-site%3Dfalse%26idx%3D2%26req_id%3Db05721157e8befa01359866952604c68%26agent%3Dblog_JS_rec%26recMode%3D11%26reqType%3D1%26wid%3D144%26imgType%3D2%26refPub%3D185%26prs%3Dfalse%26scp%3Dfalse%26origSrc%3D1053280
TBK
Thanks so much for that.
ezt
I am sorry you are going through something so stressful and scary TBK! Take care of yourself and take it as easy as you can. Since anecdotes are comforting (I find them to be too) a friend of mine had her baby last year at 24 weeks. It was obviously upsetting and scary at the time but the baby is 100% ok in every way and toddling around on her tiny feet now! Will be thinking of you.
mintberrycrunch
TBK – sending so many positive vibes your way. As someone else whose struggled with fertility issues, and have so appreciated you sharing your story and have been absolutely thrilled about your babies from day one. I’ll be thinking of you three! Keep us posted.
mintberrycrunch
Also, apologies for the ridiculous, incoherent message :) I think you probably know what I mean!
Anonymous
I’m going through this with my twins right now — I’m guessing it’s the exact same issue. For what it’s worth, it was found at 23w5d (and looked pretty bad; I got steroid shots that day) and I’m now almost 32 weeks. There really are a lot of hopeful stories out there. The only treatment I’ve done has been modified (strict-ish) bedrest; my OB didn’t believe anything else would be useful to me. The first few weeks were a complete nightmare — but I started occasionally feeling happy again at 26, it got easier at 28, much easier at 30, and coming up on 32 is even better. It’s been so hard, but we’re getting there.
I stumbled on and really loved reading the blog of a woman who was going through PTL scares with twins this September and October, and blogged about it every day. It’s deanneanddavid [dot] blogspot [dot] com. After being put on bedrest at 24-3 she just delivered her twins at 36-2. Her hysterical fear in the first few weeks was exactly what I was feeling, and it gave me hope to see that die down as time went on.
I found it helpful to have a huge milestones list. When we started this, 28 weeks sounded forever away, so I needed to have mini-goals like “make it to our friends’ visit tomorrow, make it to 25 weeks, make it to the day we hit the debt limit.” Seeing the ground we’d already covered made (and makes) the future easier.
Finally, as others have said, care of preemies has gotten a whole lot better. Yes, it would rearrange your entire life to have extreme preemies (I know that’s an understatement – believe me, I spent weeks thinking about this obsessively), but there are so many more hopeful stories now than there were even 10 years ago.
Very best wishes to your and your twins.
TBK
Might be too late for you (in a good way — glad to hear you’re already at 32 weeks!) but this is what my doctor is trying with me: http://neonatalresearch.org/2013/08/13/cervical-pessaries-really/.
Annanon
I was in the same boat with a singleton, though for us it was about PPROM leading to labour rather than early labour in and of itself. The umming and aahing about whether to get a cerclage was terrifying (we decided not to risk it). When we got to 24 weeks, I felt like I was leaving my body from relief, but I was still so scared because I knew the risks weren’t gone.
You know what, we made it to 33 weeks and he was born big and healthy and went home two weeks later. While we were in NICU, there were many many tiny twins there with him, and they were loved and cared for (and cuddled and fed and stroked and talked to) with incredible dedication by so many wonderful people. Not one little baby was lost during the time we were there. The care is amazing these days. I can say today that I am actually glad for the NICU experience. It teaches you something about how precious life is, and how we’re all in it together.
Hold on and try to live in each day and rejoice in it. Every single day is a HUGE leap forward for your little ones. I agree that a milestones list will really help, and I would look into taking modified bed rest if it’s possible.
Lady Tetra
Any flat riding-style boot recommendations for someone with a high instep? I tried on a bunch of pairs this weekend and could not find ones that fit comfortably. Thanks!
NOLA
I have a very high instep and I just bought the Bandolino Calliope at DSW.
posey
Does anyone remember the site that figured out what the characters on The Good Wife were wearing?
As an alternative, can anyone ID Alicia’s black and white tweed jacket from the episode last night?
Ginjury
TV Ate My Wardrobe?
http://tvatemywardrobe.com/category/the-good-wife/
Ashley
HIVE, HELP!!!!
A coworker had to put her kitty companion of 19 years down over the weekend. She is a (very dignified) wreck. What do you suggest I say or do to help her feel better?
(This is after losing her husband a few months back.)
Godzilla
Give her a card.
TBK
I’d do what you might do for any death in the family. Flowers, food, card. I’m not saying that in general animals = people, but it sounds like she’s really grieving and for many people, the loss of a pet is like the loss of a human relative. It’s often even worse because it doesn’t get the social recognition nor does it have the rituals associated with human death. I imagine she’d be very touched and comforted if you recognized her loss.
Ekaterin Nile
I’d give her a nice sympathy card with a note that you’re available to talk or for a Salute to Kitty (coffee, drinks, chat) if she wants to talk.
NOLA
I don’t know about your coworker, but I actually emailed my coworkers the morning my kitty died to say that I needed to come to work but that I couldn’t talk about him. A lot of them knew him (he was legendary) so that was hard.
CountC
I have made a donation to an animal rescue in that person’s pet’s name. Usually people are happy to chip in $5 or whatever, but if not, I do it on my own. The rescue sends a card to the owner noting that a donation was made in memory of [cat]. It has been very well received in the past.
Tiger
I’m craving a delicious chocolate dessert for thanksgiving, but I can’t decide what exactly. What’s your favorite chocolate dessert for thanksgiving? Recipes welcome.
Anon
This is mine (although i like it better with vanilla bean whipped cream)
http://erincooks.com/flourless-chocolate-cake-with-espresso-whipped-cream/
Anon
And by “mine” i meant my favorite, not my recipe (I’m not Erin)
Aerith
http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2008/08/chocolate-peanut-butter-cake/
rosie
Chocolate/walnut/bourbon pie (google recipes for Derby Pie).
Equity's Darling
Question about small spaces and holiday decorating:
I live alone in an apartment, and it makes me sad that I only have a tree for the week or so that I go see family for christmas. I love seeing holiday decorations around the city, and while I know I don’t have space for a tree, I’d love to decorate my place- any ideas?
Cb
And you need a Christmas ficus. You can have it all year around and hang baubles on it for the occassion. Or tack ribbon and hang ornaments on them?
Mpls
What about a wreath – either of pine branches, or something fun and artificial?
I have some ornaments that I actually hang on the window (flat ones – snowflakes, stars, etc) that I leave up as long as there is snow on the ground. And white lights on the windowsill underneath, with glass votives. I’ve got a few festive votives that I bring out for winter, but most of it is non-seasonal. I just get more use out of the white lights during the winter because it’s darker.
I think a small apartment calls for things you can hang on walls/doors/windows, so it doesn’t take up as much floor space. If you really want a plant, what about a poinsettia or amaryllis?
roses
Christmas lights can be a beautiful addition to a room year-round! Also, what about a wreath on an inside door?
AIMS
I love Christmas trees. I am firmly of the belief that you can always find space for one. When we were in law school, we had the tiniest apartment imaginable (it was a studio “converted” into a one bedroom but basically consisted of two rooms: one that only fit a bed and another that only fit a couch, a bookshelf, and a tv) and my SO surprised me with a tiny little Christmas tree (more of a shrub really) but it smelled so nice and was so festive! We ended up putting it in the bedroom by the bed & we didn’t do toys but just lots of lights and it made me so happy to see it all lit up as I fell asleep every night.
Now, we have a bit more space but it still requires moving furniture around to fit a tree but we just find room somehow. I save space year round by not keeping ornaments and just doing a ton of colorful lights. I really think you can find the room if you just get a small little tree. I would try for that.
Tuesday
Trader Joe’s has tabletop rosemary trees every year — that would make your apartment smell great! Also, you could get some Christmas-themed household stuff — dish towels, sofa pillows, etc. That could make a big visual impact in a small space. If you’re crafty and have wall space, you can arrange the cards you receive in a tree shape on a wall (use washi tape or something). Candles can be festive. If your building allows it, put a wreath on the door. Get a Santa mug for your morning tea. And Christmas flowers — amaryllis, Christmas cactus, poinsettias. I usually buy 6 or 7 small poinsettias and scatter them around my apartment for color and cheer.
wildkitten
I get a table-top tree at Whole Foods and its perfect for my studio.
wildkitten
I also get the fragrant pine cones, which make everything more festive.
Anon in NYC
It’s like a cinnamon assault every time I walk into Whole Foods and I love it.
TBK
This. I always bought two when I was in law school and put them at either end of a shelf, with lights wrapped around them and then running along the edge of the shelf. But if you’re craving a real tree, why not get one? Just a little 4 ft one would work great in a small apartment.
Anonymous
Apartment Therapy has some good ideas on decorating for the holidays in a small space. You can do something like hang ornaments on the wall in the shape of the tree, hang a wreath inside (to get that yummy smell), get a small live tabletop tree or rosemary plant, or hang holiday paper garlands across your windows (you can get these crafts from Paper Source and they involve minimal effort). I personally just hang little holiday garlands across one of my windows since we do the tree/fireplace/stockings at my fiance’s apartment. You could also buy a 5-10$ holiday fleece blanket at WalMart/Target and change up your throw-pillow covers if possible. I also keep a small metal tree at my desk at work during the holidays. I think Restoration Hardware has some christmas lights on copper wire that are less bulky than normal christmas lights and you could actually use them all year round. Hope this helps!
Silver
Similar situation – we’re going to put up xmas lights and hang ornaments off of them.
Equity's Darling
Oh I love this idea- it seems like it’s really easy, which means I can actually accomplish it!
lia
I totally love my tiny tree (on top of the file cabinet) with tiny ornaments.
zora
Do you already have ornaments? I’ve seen some gorgeous decorating ideas just hanging ornaments from the ceiling with fishing line. I like it best when they are all at different lengths so it’s all assymetrical and cool. And putting up little lights inside is the best, I had blue tree lights all around the ceiling of one bedroom all year round, it was so cozy and fun.
mintberrycrunch
Also highly recommend getting a candle with evergreen scent (or another holiday-ish scent). It’s always one of my first holiday purchases, and the smell really makes me feel festive, even if I don’t have any other decor.
SoCal Gal
I am looking for a comfortable pair of black leggings. I tried a pair from Hue that I hated — too nylon-y and they kept pulling down. I prefer ones that are more soft cotton knit. What are your favorite comfy legging brands?
Lady Tetra
I like the ones from LOFT; they’re a little thicker than the American Apparel ones. I think they only come in black though.
NOLA
The Hue Ultra are the ones you’re looking for. The ponte are too synthetic.
anonypotamus
zella from Nordstrom. I think I have the “Live In” Leggings. They are technically athletic pants, but you can’t tell, and they are so so so soft, with enough stretch to be comfy, but enough support to feel more like regular pants. I’m obsessed.
Meg March
These. I just got some and I practically live in them.
TO Corp Chick
TNA Aritzia leggins are the BEST!
Maddie Ross
Suggestions to bring to my MILs for turkey day? She says she’s got the meal covered, as well as dessert. I’m going to bring wine, but I feel like I should bring something else too to contribute (almost like a house gift, but not because we don’t do those after so many years anymore). Ideas?
AIMS
I’ve been ordering Built wine totes on Amazon (they’re $7-15 depending on design) for gifting with a bottle of wine & it’s always a big hit because they can be repurposed and are something a lot of people wouldn’t buy for themselves but that comes in really handy.
If you feel like cooking, you could also make a baked bread of some kind (pumpkin? banana chocolate chip?) or maybe muffins so that MIL has something for breakfast the next morning. I think after cooking the big meal all day, the last thing you want to do the next day is cook but you also probably won’t be in the mood to eat thanksgiving leftovers for your first meal.
hoola hoopa
These are both great suggestions. I’m storing them away for myself.
Flowers or wreath are other suggestions.
Susedna
I really love the idea of breakfast food for MIL.
Could you also gift her some of those luscious and gorgeous Royal Riviera Pears from Harry & David? (Ok, ok, I’m projecting here. Would soooo love to receive those as a hostess gift….)
Aerith
a bouquet plus a vase
Anonymous
Chocolates. Try John and Kira’s. Delicious addition to the dessert table. Or she can save them for later.
Breakfast is also a great idea. Have brought delicious croissants from a fab French bakery to a friend’s for dinner when she insisted we could not contribute to the home-cooked meal.
Anonymous
http://www.johnandkiras.com/product/28pc_thanksgiving/thanksgiving
R
Yes, make a french toast casserole, and get a nice bottle of real maple syrup. You can make it before you head over that day, and it only gets better overnight. She pops it in the oven the next morning and makes the house smell delicious. Easy and thoughtful.
NOLA
Oh yeah. I made this one for my brunch last year: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/stuffed-french-toast-10000000521691/
except I don’t think I made it as light as the recipe (used real eggs) and I didn’t use raisin bread, but maybe something like cinnamon bread. It was delicious and my guests raved about it!
anne-on
I second (third? fourth?) the idea of making breakfast food for your MIL for the next day. Our biggest hit for a hostess gift has always been some nice sweets from a french bakery near us along with a good loaf of bread for french toast.
Glasses -- dead horse
How often do y’all change your frames? I wear glasses just for reading at work and have had the same frames for 9 years. I’m thinking that that’s 2-8 years too long now. My prescription hasn’t changed (I seem to have 20-20-vision, but this somehow helps with eye strain b/c I read a lot and one eye is somethink like 15 or otherwise unbalanced).
CountC
I change based on want, not need. I rarely wear glasses (contacts daily), but for some reason feel the need to buy a new pair every year whether my prescription changes or not. I am not a good barometer!
I say if you like the pair you have, they are comfortable, and still work, no need to change them!
hoola hoopa
Once my prescription stopped changing, I started replacing every 3-5 years. I wear contacts most of the time and am no longer at an age when I really care about having the newest trend in eyewear.
For work reading glasses, 9 yrs seems on the long end – but if the prescription is the same, you like them, and they are in good condition, I see no problem with it.
Susedna
I am your glasses/contacts twin, it seems!
KLG
As an adult, I update the lenses whenever my prescription changes, but I keep the frames for about 5 years. I wear contacts about 75% of the time though. I just never get anything super trendy and that way my glasses never look that dated.
Gail the Goldfish
My current frames are I think 4 or 5 years old? My lenses prescription finally stopped changing and I never bother updating the frames, though I wear contacts almost anytime I’m outside of my apartment. I also have really terrible eyesight, which means I have to get the special lenses that are horribly expensive (that, or have lenses that are absurdly thick), so I don’t change much. I honestly never thought about seeing if my lenses could be put in another frame until someone brought it up on the thread today. I’ve been wearing glasses for about 20 years now (contacts for probably 10-11 of that) and I think I’ve only had maybe 6 pairs of glasses, only 2 as an adult.
Calibrachoa
it used to be “When I can no longer keep them together with will power and solder” because glasses in my prescription are expensive. Now… I’ve had my current frames for 2 years, and I think I want a second pair if my prescription has stayed the same but I don’t feel like retiring them.
Famouscait
Friend hijacking question:
I went to a Friendsgiving dinner party last night and met some really nice people. The hostess (a new work colleague of mine) and her best friend invited some people they each knew, but whom did not know each other. It was a good mix of married/engaged couples and singles, all kid-free and either working, students or both. My husband and I have recently realized that we really need to make some new friends… My question is this: how quickly can we invite friends-of-friends over for dinner? Do we need to invite the linking friend? Should we wait to see if the linking friend has us all over again?
I’ve wondered this before, but previously the friendships were long-standing (since childhood) and I always felt like I was intruding, for lack of a better term. That’s not the case here, as everyone was newly introduced. Thoughts? Would you be weirded out if a couple you had met once (but laughed with for hours- thanks, Cards Against Humanity!) asked you out on a couples date?
Mpls
I think you should wait until after the holidays, just for logistics purposes. And yes, I would probably invite the linking friend. I would include how much fun you had as a group at the Friendsgiving and would love to have all those people over to your place. I probably do a couple group things before moving into a couples date.
Mpls
Unless you want to host something for New Years Eve. That could be a fun reason to have people together again.
anonza
Ladies, lets go there – how often do you initiate LGPs?
I cannot seem to find my s3xy and almost never initiate. I am happily married and find DH very attractive, I just make every excuse in my head to not initiate. Any tips?
Anon for this
Almost never to never. I have major issues in this area and after about 15 years of not initiating, I finally started therapy for this specific purpose (I have had lots of therapy for other reasons). It is slowly helping. For me it is going to be a long process.
Anon also
Long but worthwhile process. I hope your LGP guest(s) is/are ONLY wonderful people. No snark, but don’t settle for anyone who–after an initial time of mutual speaking up and education–doesn’t make you feel good emotionally and physically.
anon
Honestly, not to sound harsh, but especially since you find your husband attractive, and IF you enjoy LGPs once they start up, then I think it’s a little selfish not to initiate once in a while. Just tell yourself to do it, and (again, assuming this is the case and you aren’t having other issues related to not wanting LGPs) once you get going, you’ll get into it. But just think how rejected/unattractive you would feel if your SO never initiated and left it all up to you. Sometimes I psych myself up during the preceding evening and plan out in my head exactly how I’m going to initiate- come up with something sexy to say , etc.
Parfait
I probably initiate about 25% of the time, he does about half the time, and the other 25% I couldn’t tell you who technically started it because it’s altogether mutual.
The important thing is that it starts!
What do you say to yourself when you’re making excuses? Can you come up with countermessaging to reply to yourself with?
Interrobanged
I know I’m going to sound like a jerk here, but I just want to vent for a second. I’m leaving tomorrow to go home to visit my family and I’m meeting my father’s new girlfriend (he is 73, btw). I am so tired of meeting these various women; they are ALWAYS weird.
He gave this new one my email address and she sent me a few emails where she’s obviously trying to get to know me … I just want to send her a response that’s like, “Look, if you continue trying too hard, you are basically guaranteeing that I will never like you. Just let it happen organically.” None of them seem to understand this concept and it drives me insane. I’ve even talked to him about it (“Please don’t give your girlfriend, whom I’ve never met, my email address…”) but he doesn’t seem to think it was a boundary violation.
Ugh. Even just thinking about this makes me tired.
Monday
This sounds very annoying, and it’s too bad your Dad puts you in this position. Do you think you could write a generic form e-mail and just keep it around to paste in as a reply to each of these messages? If your Dad ever figures it out I think you could defend it easily: you insisted on giving out my email and I don’t know any of these women, so I decided to just say the same thing to all of them until we actually had time to develop a real relationship.
Silvercurls
Yuck, this sounds aggravating. Can you create a self-defending message to paste in as a generic reply: “Hi [name], I wanted to thank you for your message. My job doesn’t give me lots of time for socializing (make sure your Dad won’t blow your cover here) but I hope we can meet and chat in person in the near future.” It’s not a total falsehood, more of a little white lie. If the woman or women keep sending you multiple emails you can reply sweetly but briefly and hope that they get the hint or at least conclude that you’re not all that into exchanging messages. At least you’re not in the same city and thus open season for getting together every weekend, or worse, for unannounced visits. Also, maybe your Dad will manage to work through these women and settle down with somebody less annoying.