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Anonymous
Anon for this – is anyone else in this boat? I was intent on becoming financial independent since probably like high school, before I even knew what that was. My goal was basically to make my money young so I could chill when older. Came from a family where layoffs after 50 were very common so I wasn’t wanting to do that.
So I’m 43, single, did biglaw for about a decade though only as an associate, never made partner. And then about another decade in a government job where I am currently. I’m not in the position where I have tens of millions but having lived small from age 25 until now and invested a good amount, I’m in a low seven figure position with a small pension also. And I am so DONE with it. If anything I feel like having money now makes me NOT want to slog away in a boring job. I feel like I want to burn it all down and take a risk, grab some business job that may actually interest me even if it likely pays less and obviously has no pension. FWIW I’d still work. It’s just that I have zero interest in going back to any kind of firm life and even in house doesn’t appeal to me, nor do I have the right background for it. And government – where I am, it’s VERY hard to move around and I just can’t see doing what I’m doing for a few more decades.
Would you take a chance if you had a lead on a business job? Or is it one of those things where it makes no sense to upset the apple cart even if I’m unhappy? Part of me thinks if I’m going to make a change, make it now because it’ll only get harder in my 50s. I know some people will say travel or pursue hobbies, but travel has been on hold for me as covid keeps going on and on, and even when I do travel – it’s with the dread of knowing I have to come back home and return to my job. WWYD?
Anon
What you’re proposing doesn’t sound all that crazy or reckless to me. People do that all the time without having millions of dollars saved.
Anon8
+1 do it! It sounds like you’re risk averse but this doesn’t sound risky at all to me. Heck, you could afford to quit your job to go open a yodeling school and it’d still be pretty responsible at this point.
Anonymous
It’s literally not crazy at all to try a new job when you have a million dollars in the bank.
Anon
There are tons of jobs and career paths out there. It’s not crazy to move around.
Anonymous
Totally agree – all sorts of different legal or legal-adjacent jobs. Go for it!
Senior Attorney
Good grief I think you’d be crazy not to!
Anon
Yes!!! You did it! You’re (essentially) financially independent so you should live the life you want right now!
Slightly different but similar- I’ve also always been motivated for financial independence but once I was on a good path, I stepped back (in my case reducing my hours) and so far I’ve never once regretted it. I’m still on a good path, I haven’t gone crazy, but now I actively enjoy my life rather than want to escape it.
anonshmanon
I think what you are experiencing is pretty normal. You grew up in an environment where financial security in retirement age was not a given, so you made that your priority. With gaining some financial security for yourself comes the freedom to consider other, more fulfilling life choices. Good for you!!
Also, it’s reasonable to try and find a job that is engaging to some extent. You don’t have to put your whole identity into ‘your calling’, but on the flip side, you also don’t need to spend the majority of your waking hours doing something you dread. There is some middle ground there!
Anon
Absolutely!
Now is the perfect time.
Well done.
Sounds like you have already “won” the game. Now time to live your life the way you want it.
Anonymous
You’re asking if it’s crazy, while you have millions of dollars of net worth, to change jobs? To leave law and take a job in the business world?
No. This is not crazy. It sounds sane.
No Face
I’m going to recommend something that will sound even crazier! Take months off in between!
I am a frugal person who was very burned out after the pandemic. I took several months off work, unpaid, in 2022. It gave me a new lease on life. This is what the money is for.
Former Partner
I am in your position, but mid-fifties instead of mid-forties.
What you are proposing sounds not at all imprudent (I think that’s your bottom line). You do not sound as though you are planning anything irresponsible.
I think about doing this, but instead of an executive business position, corporate board positions that interest me and/or non-profit work that is meaningful to me.
One thing to check: make sure before you leave your government job that you are maxing your benefits to the greatest extent given your plans. In other words, if you are very or relatively close to a service milestone that would make a difference in your pension or your healthcare, at least consider reaching that service milestone before leaving. As I get older, that healthcare benefit become more and more meaningful.
Otherwise, keep us posted on what feeds your soul next!
Anon
Very good point about maximizing your retirement options, particularly with regard to healthcare, before leaving. After being the caregiver for my elderly parents for years, I have a new appreciation for the limitations of Medicare, and how many things it covers poorly or denies. Additional retiree insurance from a government job is an amazing benefit and worth its weight in gold.
I mean…. I didn’t realize the Medicare has limits on the number of days it will pay for you being in the hospital, and the co-pays can become crazy high and there isn’t a max out of pocket for Medicare!
Medicare denied my retired Mom’s chemo drug. Chemo. The best drug that the doctor recommended to treat her aggressive cancer. The hospital told us we had to bring a check for $11,000 to her next chemo appointment or she couldn’t get her treatment. Fortunately, she had fantastic secondary insurance Blue Cross insurance as a retiree benefit from her last employer. It paid for the chemo. No problem.
Interestingly, Blue Cross only paid $1200 for the chemo drug. $1200. And the hospital was going to charge us ten times that if we had to pay cash. I call that… evil.
Honestly, I think government employees should all have Medicare as their insurance. It always seemed unfair to me that the government continues to cut back what Medicare covers/reimbursement rates, and then Congress never has to experience the results of their decisions. But that’s another issue.
So OP – congrats on your amazing career path. Just try to maximize those sweet retirement benefits if you can.
Yes, I am currently trying to find a government job ;)
Anonymous
OP here – in case anyone is reading or will read tomorrow – I understand what you all are saying about maximizing government benefits. Honestly that’s what has kept me here for 8 years, today being my 8th job anniversary. The pension vests in 5 so it was a no brainer to stay 5. But at 5 years the pension was pretty small, so it was like stay a bit longer to up that pension amount – as you get more each year you stay. The pandemic helped in that regard because I wasn’t inclined to be job searching mid pandemic anyway. But in order to get full full benefits including retiree healthcare, I’d have to stay 12 more years minimum and actually probably longer because you need 20 years of service and to be in your 60s when you leave to avail yourself of that benefit. 12 years takes me to age 55. And nearly 20 years to get to 60. My sense of responsibility and desire for financial freedom is what kept me in biglaw for nearly a decade – I was completely burnt out but was not going to leave until they told me to leave because I was collecting and investing that senior associate money. Then with this government job and the pension. At this point it feels like – is it ever going to be time to do anything I want IYKWIM?
Former Partner
If you have to stay another twelve years to get the health benefit, that seems OK to walk away from now that you know that you can pay for your own healthcare. If it were, say, another year, that would have been a different story.
Anon
Exactly in this position. Late 40s, married, teen and tween. Worked 25+ years with no breaks but for maternity leave. Fed up, lost my mojo. We have low 8 figures and I quit.
Just like that. Enjoying a lower pace, spending time with kids and looking forward to girls trip with mum.
Celebration
Hello! I have a good friend who is getting married soon. She doesn’t want a traditional shower where everyone watches her open gifts, so another bridesmaid and I want to throw her a celebration with an activity where people can bring gifts, but she doesn’t open them. We were thinking something like one of those painting+wine classes, or a chef comes to someone’s house to make a fancy meal. The celebration will take place in Kansas City (I don’t live there).
Has anyone been to such an event that was fun? I’m just trying to brainstorm possibilities!
Anon
I went to a very fancy baby shower at an upscale local restaurant and everyone just visited and enjoyed a nice meal (even though like most showers it was an assortment of acquaintances and strangers). Gifts were put on a side table to be opened at home. Everyone absolutely loved it. I would definitely do the chef idea!
Anne-on
I posted a bit ago about this but yes! I’ve gone to several showers/parties like this in the past. My personal favorites were a spa day (small local day spa was bought out just for our group and we had the lounge areas to ourselves to eat/drink – no alcohol allowed though), a flower arranging class followed by brunch, a chocolate tasting class at a small local shop, and a circus yoga class (whatever it is when you use the big metal rings/silky fabric/etc.).
Senior Attorney
We did a spa day for my “shower” and it was fabulous.
Anon
This sounds like my ideal day!
Moose
Yes! I had showers that were not gift-centric. One was a tea with multiple courses and tea varieties (so the food and chitchat was the activity). I definitely feel like the traditional formula of gifts & games is not required anymore.
BeenThatGuy
I’m getting (re)married in 5 weeks and was totally against my sister and friends who wanted to throw me a shower. My angst about it was 100% because I don’t want people buying me gifts. Our wedding invitation even states “Please gift us only with the honor of your presence”. We truly have everything in the world that I could possibly need or want (and am humbled by that). After must discussion, I relented to a “Marriage and Mimosa’s” type shower at a restaurant. 15-20 friends having a lovely lunch in a beautiful location next Saturday. And I’m truly looking forward to it! To heck with traditional showers, I love the ideas you suggested.
Anonymous
There’s a candle-making bar in Lee’s Summit (I think) called Embers that would be fun for a shower! I went with my mom and daughter, and we had a great time!
Cat
You want to call it a “display shower” on the invite so people just bring an unwrapped but labeled gift.
Anonymous
IDK if anyone else is seeing pictures of the Jordanian royal wedding that happened today, but seeing those pictures – as with all wedding pictures even IRL – I am always left feeling like no one has EVER celebrated me. I’m in my 50s and single, so never had a wedding. Never had a HS or college or law school graduation party. My family basically only celebrated birthdays until a child hit preschool age, so I never had birthday parties. And because I grew up in a home where birthdays weren’t a thing, I literally never thought to throw myself a birthday party in my 20-40s. Don’t even own a home, so never had a house warming. Makes me sad. And yet I feel like throwing myself a party will just scream – lonely old lady with no family, as most in my circle are now hitting milestone anniversaries and birthdays with those parties being thrown by their kids or spouses.
I was never someone who wanted to marry just to have “my day” but now I’m kind of sad that I’ve NEVER had a day where people have flown in and gathered specifically for me. Sorry for the wallowing. Probably just as well, I’m one of those people with many acquaintances and few friends and my friends probably wouldn’t bother anyway as now they can all be like sorry my kids have soccer this weekend.
Anon
“And yet I feel like throwing myself a party will just scream – lonely old lady with no family,”
This is definitely not true and just your self-esteem talking. Have a big birthday party!
Moose
Yes! Most people want to have an excuse to do something fun for someone they like, and are terrible at initiating/planning/following through, but will show up and enjoy it!
Anonymous
Throw yourself a birthday party! No one will think it is weird
Anon
I’m also single and I know what you mean about never feeling celebrated. I definitely take the initiative to plan something for my birthday – not a party, but dinner with friends or a spa day or whatever. Take yourself out! Go on a trip! There’s nothing sad about it.
Anonymous
No one is going to think you are a loney old lady with no family. The people who care about you will want to celebrate with you, and you are never too old to start celebrating yourself!
Buy yourself a birthday gift and plan your party!
Senior Attorney
I threw myself a blowout 60th birthday party (rented a party boat and cruised New York harbor) and everybody loved it and if anybody thought it was weird they kept it to themselves. I feel like if you make it something special like that, people will definitely come! I invited literally everybody I know and ended up with 60-plus people flying in from California (where I live) and elsewhere.
Anonymous
This – throw a 60th birthday bash, or get together with a few good girlfriends for a vacation and celebrate one person’s dinner each night.
JTM
I would 100% throw myself the fabulous birthday party of my dreams! Go for it!
Ses
I threw myself a birthday party and it was awesome. I footed the bill for most things and got catering and just had people over. I’d do it again if I didn’t mind all the planning and clean-up.
If you feel self-conscious, do it as a family/friends reunion or a joint birthday party with a friend.
Anon
Throw the party!
Anonymous
Throwing your own big wonderful part is way better than a wedding. This way you get exactly what you want and people will love to have an excuse to go to party. With a wedding there are endless compromises—at least for most people. Most weddings are overrated. I love the idea of throwing yourself a big birthday party. I would have loved to do this for my 50th but it was during the later part of 2020 so you know the story on that…Don’t wait for other people to celebrate you—you can celebrate you and enjoy it exactly in the way you want to enjoy it.
Anon
FWIW: I honestly don’t feel like my wedding was a day to “celebrate me” so much as it was us caving to family pressure to have a celebration, as my husband and I were both the first grandchild on each side of the family to get married. I liked my wedding, but a lot of it wasn’t my idea, the planning was stressful, and I was glad when it was over. I don’t like being the center of attention, but didn’t even feel like I was the center of attention on my wedding day: all anyone wanted to do was watch my baby cousin toddle around and gossip to each other about family members who weren’t present. My husband and I were just the excuse everyone used to get together; midway through the reception I got the distinct impression that if my husband I left, the party would carry on without us and people might notice we were gone.
That all being said, you should throw yourself the mother of all birthday parties and invite everyone and do all the fun things with the planning you’ve ever thought about or looked at on Pinterest. If I got an invitation to something like that, I would be like “Cool! That sounds like an awesome party with no bachelorette or wedding or baby shower nonsense involved, I am 100% in!” And I would attend and bring you a fantastic gift and wear an amazing dress and have the best time.
Anonymous
THIS. OP weddings are great, but don’t glamorize them. Sure some couples get the exact wedding day they want – often people who throw very small weddings regardless of what anyone says. In my family OMG weddings are awful. Sure they look flashy and fun but all anyone is doing is gossiping. You know – it’s about time she got married, but he isn’t good enough and makes less money than her, our family is better than his family – look at them, look at cousin so and so what was she thinking wearing that, what were they thinking with this caterer or those flowers. You get the point.
With a birthday you invite who you want, the gossipy second cousins need not attend. Invite your friends and even broadly just people you’re friendly with – whether work people, people in your class at the gym that you talk with or neighbors, whatever.
Anonymous
Your last point about inviting people you might classify as acquaintances is a good one. Don’t think of them as acquaintances, think of them as friends-to-be. A party is a great way to turn those people into friends.
Anon
It may have been a stressful time, but a lot of people have at least one shower and a bachelorette party before the wedding. Even if the bride isn’t having fun on the day of the wedding, the friend will often plan/pay for the shower, buy a gift, use vacation days from work to go on a trip where all the activities are things the bride will love, buy a new dress, and maybe again use vacation days to travel to the wedding. Again, even if the bride doesn’t have fun on the wedding day, that is still a large financial and time outlay. I enjoy celebrating my friends, so I am happy to do all of this! But I do think it’s a little disingenuous to say that the wedding isn’t a celebration of the couple (or the bride). My wallet and lack of vacation time would scream otherwise!
I definitely definitely think that OP should throw the party! It will be fun. Your friends will be so happy and excited to celebrate you. And like some others have said, you should invite the people who you’re friendly with but you aren’t close with. Some of them might come and that’ll be the first step toward friendship.
Anon
I had zero parties before the wedding; my sister and half sister let it be known that unless my stepmother got to plan and exclude my mother, they would not attend. I refused to let my marriage be a knife that could be thrown into someone’s back, so no party happened.
Anon
“Again, even if the bride doesn’t have fun on the wedding day, that is still a large financial and time outlay. I enjoy celebrating my friends, so I am happy to do all of this! But I do think it’s a little disingenuous to say that the wedding isn’t a celebration of the couple (or the bride). My wallet and lack of vacation time would scream otherwise!”
If you’re bringing this up, I don’t think you’re as good with it as you’re claiming to be. Actually, the resentment comes through loud and clear.
Also, I never had a bridal shower (never wanted one) and my “bachelorette” involved going out to dinner with three friends. Weddings and the attenuated events weren’t always as extra as they are now.
Anon
If you had anybody other than family there, they were there because of you, though.
Anon
Do you do any kind of activity where you can invite people to come see you in it? Like an amateur sport where you can invite people to games? Or a choir where you can invite people to concerts or services? Dog showing or dog agility? If you want to become involved in any of these, you can always invite people to come to see you and celebrate your hard work and accomplishment.
If you want to get involved in a local charitable or organizational board, many of them throw galas and events to which you can invite people. And you can treat it as a celebration of all you’ve done to help the organization.
Inviting people to my concerts, plays, performances, etc. has been my replacement for not having celebratory parties. I did not have graduation parties, I did not have a wedding (because I worried no one would come), and did not have a house warming, but I have always invited many people to community theater productions, community orchestra concerts, and book readings for my self-published books. It is still a pain-in-the-a** to get some people to come, but I’ve realized that it is just because they are poor planners, not because of me.
Anonymous
Plan a party for yourself and invite friends and BTW people with kids these days are DYING to go do something that isn’t for the kids. So no they aren’t automatically going to be like, uh my kids have soccer. Believe me our lives are about running the kids from soccer to one birthday party to the next, and we too want to feel like we can get dressed up and go out by ourselves and talk to adults about something other than how the kid’s school is doing assignments for 5th grade.
Anon
I’ve thrown myself a couple of big birthday parties and everyone had a blast. I’ve also done an 3-4 person overnight for my own birthday and separately for another single friend’s birthday that was sooo much fun. Do it!! No one will think what you’re worrying they think. That’s all you.
Anonie
Throw yourself the party! You deserve it! My tip for party planning: invite WAY more people than you actually want to show up. That way, when some people inevitably have conflicts or last-minute cancellations, you’ll still have a good turnout :) Recently, I hosted an event that I really wanted to have about 12 – 14 people attend. I invited 21 and 15 or 16 showed up. It was perfect. Hope your party is an absolute blast!
Anonymous
Many of my friends are single and about to turn 50 (as am I) and they are all throwing themselves big parties, including some big destination trips. No one thinks “sad, lonely, no family.” We are all excited and going out of our way to attend/participate. You should do something similar for your next birthday or at least the next milestone – 55 or 60.
In fact, I am pretty sure they are thinking “sad” about the fact I am not planning on doing something similar for myself.
Runcible Spoon
And you don’t have to wait for a milestone birthday to throw yourself a party — I just threw myself a party for “a big birthday minus one year,” and the guests were happy to join!
Anonymous
I’d love to be invited to a big or fancy birthday party! Throw one!
Anonymous
Has anyone traveled to Jordan? Is it is worthwhile trip if you’re only really interested in Amman and Aqaba, rather than Petra? If you were traveling solo as a female would you feel comfortable with that or would you say go with a tour?
Also did it have the developing world feel to it or did you feel like you could eat and drink without worry of getting sick? I’ve been to India before and while I loved it, I found myself very conscious of what to eat and where – like even in a super nice hotel, I would not eat any raw vegetable. I suspect Jordan would be the same but IDK.
Anon
I haven’t been to Jordan but I believe food safety is much less of a concern than in India but I’m not 100% sure. Google says tap water is apparently safe to drink in many parts of Jordan, and I feel like that’s a good sign – if you can’t eat unpeeled fruits and veggies (as in India, Thailand, etc.) the tap water is likely not even safe for tooth brushing, let alone drinking.
joan wilder
I have spent a lot of time in Jordan as an expat and it is very safe as a solo female. You are missing a lot of incredible sights to see though if you only go to Amman and Aqaba (unless you are super into diving/snorkling)though so I would consider adding Ajloun, desert castles, Wadi Rum, or Jerash. It is an upper middle income country, with related food safety standards and I ate/drank whatever I wanted without concern. You’ll miss great food if you don’t eat vegetables–fattoush salad for one, yum.
Anon
It’s not a third world country. You can eat the food.
BB
And even in most third world countries, you can eat the food. Like I totally get where the fear is coming from, especially as someone with a weak stomach, but I’ve been all over SE Asia and Latin America and it’s fine. Eat at nice-ish restaurants or street food that’s cooked in front of you. Drink bottled water.
Petra
One thing you can consider is traveling to Israel and taking a short tour to Petra (and other places in Jordan) from Israel. Would make me feel safer.
Anon
My daughter traveled in Jordan as solo traveler when she was 20, so about 5 years ago. She was backpacking through Europe and entered from Israel with a tour group she joined there. They camped in the desert, IIRC. We asked for POL (proof of life) daily and for a picture of the sign for the group she was with. She said she never felt unsafe. My younger daughter is in Germany right now, though, and she is repulsed by the open-air drug use and that the side streets smell of urine. Go figure.
Anon
Is anyone else here dealing with LIBOR cessation? Should be a fun summer.
anon
Not so much with the actual cessation but I’m in commercial real estate equity and I’m dealing with a LOT of investors who have LIBOR based loans and derivative products and it’s just been a hot mess ever since SOFR was phased in. While I’m only tangential to what I’m sure you’re living now, you have my total sympathies.
Ellen
My firm took invested in those notes at a discount b/c of all the Libor uncertainty, and we have done very well on paper. The value has gone up, tho the credit worthiness of the borrowers are a bit dicey. Frank got us 350 BPS over 3 year treasury notes, which is not bad.
buffybot
This is interesting to me – I work in financial services, and it felt like to me, LIBOR was all anyone talked about 2-3 years ago, but I was under the impression everything had already been transitioned (lots of regulatory deadlines were a year or more ago). But I guess that’s the difference between maybe large corporate loans/traditional “banking” versus maybe the markets-oriented pieces of the investment bank, which already got pushed there? Anyway, you have my sympathies. The substitutes are definitely not great.
Anonymous
Same here. I saw the comment and thought, hasn’t everyone transitioned?
Chl
Does anyone have a heat pump or consider it? We have a newish furnace but a dying air conditioner and thinking of it as an option. In the Midwest where there will definitely be portions of the year below freezing but also it’s 90 degrees today!
Anon
I know they are supposed to be environmental and that may be why they are pushed so hard now, but in our city, they are rotten for when it’s super-cold (below freezing), leading to rolling blackouts where we are even if it is gas-powered (the blower is still electric, as is the thermostat). I’d have a backup plan, like a generator or room you can close off with a gas or wood fireplace. We lost power Christmas Eve with a below-freezing high b/c even with very clear weather forecasts for this, our local utility could not handle the demand.
Anon
“they are rotten for when it’s super-cold (below freezing)”
This isn’t true, at least when it comes to their performance. They really only start to become inefficient at heating around 0-10* F. I live in a place with abundant, 100% renewable electricity, so not sure about their effect on local power grids if that is not the case. But I do know there are Arctic villages in Alaska where they use heat pumps because even though their electricity comes from diesel, they’re still more efficient/cause fewer emissions than using heating oil.
Anon
You don’t actually think heat pumps cause blackouts, do you?? They use less electricity than something like a forced air furnace (which means more heat pumps lead to lower demand on the electric grid than a bunch of furnaces all running at the same time). No HVAC that uses electricity is immune to power outages, but that isn’t a reason to avoid anything that use electricity at all. Yeesh.
Anon
A geothermal heat pump is the answer where there are significant below freezing temperatures. The up front cost is more, but they are very efficient. One of the most frugal human beings I know installed one.
anon
I love mine. It’s so quiet and efficient!
Anonymous
After dealing with enormous natural gas bills last winter to heat our small house in a season where there was not even any snow, I want solar panels and an electric heat pump.
Anonymous
Thanks for asking this question. We are strongly considering it this year, but the potential for a single-digit cold snap has us worried. I have heard that a dual system with gas back-up for when it gets really cold is a possibility, but I haven’t fully explored it.
Anon
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/06/business/energy-environment/backup-power-generators-climate-change.html
anon a mouse
When we replaced our AC last summer we replaced it with a heat pump. We primarily have radiators, so don’t expect to use it except in extreme situations (like if the boiler goes out), but it was a somewhat marginal extra cost (maybe $2K on a $15K unit) to have a backup heat source and hedge our bets in case we remodel in the next decade and remove the radiators. My understanding is that they are much more efficient than they used to be. They are common in Europe so I assumed that they can handle subzero temperatures, though we haven’t put ours to the test yet.
anonshmanon
Almost 1.5m heat pumps were sold in Finland last year, where the population is only 5.5m, and it gets pretty cold. Clearly the performance is there.
Anon
I have one. I was skeptical but I really like it. the new inverter pumps are not like the old fashioned heat pumps. It has performed fine for us in Philly, but if you are regularly below zero it won’t be as efficient. If I had the choice though, I might prefer gas.
Anon
I live in Montréal and got one last fall. Many people have them here and they are growing in popularity. We love ours! Efficient, quiet, keeps things warm in the Canadian winter and cool during summer heatwaves and humidity. Better than the oil furnace we had. Go for it!
Anonymous
Have any of you had your productivity window shift? I used to get all my focused, thoughtful work done from 7-11AM. Now I find myself doing administrative tasks and generally wasting time until about noon, then my brain kicks on and I can work from 1-5PM. I’m sure this is partly hormonal/aging, but I find it interesting.
Anon
Yes, but I think it has more to do with my sleep schedule, which has shifted because of lifestyle reasons. But maybe it is a hormonal/aging thing too! Hadn’t thought of that.
Anonymous
interesting! I’ve unfortunately always been at my best from like 2pm-10 pm, so having a family/small kids hasn’t been great for my productivity.
Anon
I’ve never been a morning person. Sometimes I work best late at night when no one is bugging me.
Anonymous
Maybe this is a sign of some kind of deep-seated personal problem, but I’ve started to really enjoy staying late at the office. I’ve realized that once the clock strikes 5 some pressure releases and I can draft more freely, work on a filing etc. without feeling like I’m cramming. I do some of my best work from 5-8.
Anon
I posted a few months ago about dealing with awful fibroids, needing a hysterectomy, and being nervous about it.
Wanted to come back and share that I’m 9 days post-op and I feel INCREDIBLE. No pain at all, already walking a few miles a day, and just feeling like myself again! I forgot how good “normal” feels after 2 years of bloating, awful bleeding that made me anemic, total lack of energy, fear of going out in public because I might start crazily bleeding, etc. etc. etc. I feel lighter, more energetic, and free.
Just wanted to share in case anyone else is going through what I went through. I know not everyone has this easy of a recovery but I do think you sometimes hear a lot about the bad experiences online because people tend to post when they’re not feeling well. So I wanted to share a good one!
While fibroids are technically benign, they can ruin your quality of life. I felt like mine was literally draining the life out of me. It grew to the size of a 16-week pregnancy and kept pushing up on all my organs. It was awful. I’m so, so relieved and grateful to be done with it forever. Thinking of all of you who are dealing with fibroids and other women’s health issues.
anon
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! Fibroids were ruining my quality of life, too, even without having crazy bleeding. I am so thankful for my hysterectomy, and I am so glad your recovery is going smoothly. Isn’t it amazing what we have to put up with, and how much better life can be when the ute is no longer causing issues?!
Anon
YES! I cannot believe what so many women are silently suffering through. Once I started telling people about my issues, I found out so many other women in my circles were either going through something similar, knew someone who had gone through something similar, or had previously dealt with issues. I can’t believe we’re all just out here dealing with this and having to go through life acting like nothing is wrong!
Anon
RIGHT? I had mine for severe endometriosis and was walking that day, back on my bike in a week and working within 4 days. The post-op pain was no worse than the pain I’d been living with every day. I’m almost a year post-op and only just realizing how much self-limiting I’d done because of it. About a month ago, I had a headache or some other minor thing and had to find some Aleve. For 20 years I didn’t leave the house without it and that day I couldn’t remember where I put it. My life is better in every way possible thanks to having the damn thing OUT.
Hope the rest of your recovery continues as well as it’s started.
Anon
Amazing. I am so happy for you! Can totally relate to the self-limiting. It was so insidious because it started slowly, but by the end I was barely going anywhere and I had just accepted it as my new normal. Now I can’t wait to be out in the world!
EXACTLY re: the pain being no worse than what you were living with before surgery. I had all these fears about surgery, and I am not exaggerating when I say my periods were more painful than the post-op recovery. I can’t believe I just lived with so much pain for so many years and accepted it!
Anonymous
Thank you for posting this. I just found out a have a fibroid. I’m not sure what it mean for me yet but I went down the mind spiral thinking “but what I if I have to have a hysterectomy!” It’s good to know that having one has made such a difference for you!
Anon
If you do have to have one, it will be the best thing for you. But typically they’re a last resort. Your doctor will work with you to figure out the best way forward. I tried so many things before I got to that point — birth control, an IUD, a procedure to just remove the fibroid that was unsuccessful– and finally it became clear that hysterectomy was the right path. But my symptoms were terrible and I knew I didn’t want to live with them. Some fibroids have no symptoms or very mild, manageable ones that you can totally live with. Wishing you the best with yours, whatever path you end up taking!
anon
You may not need a hysterectomy, so don’t panic! That’s the last option. The size, location, and number of fibroids meant that I wouldn’t even have a uterus left if they tried to remove them. I was not a candidate for ablation because of the fibroids’ size. But, know that if a hysterectomy is in your future, it is scary to consider but ultimately OK.
Anonymous
Does anyone else have senior citizen parents totally re-writing history about your childhood until it makes you want to scream?
Grew up in a very typical immigrant family in the 90s. TONS of immigrant parent angst regarding the kids being successful, even though my parents came here as upper middle class, they acted like they were so hard pressed and we had to make it. So life was basically go to school and come home, no friends, no going out, no cars. You HAD TO get into the ivys and the only professions they’d support would be med, law, finance, engineering. It all worked out, both me and my sister were academically inclined and got our requisite ivy degrees and high end careers.
Fast forward 20 years a bunch of cousins – also immigrants but they came in the 2000s not the 1970s – are now raising my parents’ great nieces and nephews totally differently. No one pushes for ivy or top 10 anything, they basically go to local universities wherever the financial package ends up being the best, the kids can study what they want – so no one is doing med, law, finance, or engineering, the kids have a lot of fun – tons of friends, cars, going out. My parents who were draconian with us gush about – how lovely it is that these kids have sooo many hobbies and interests and are sooo independent that they are going out to lunch in big city with friends, and how their own kids totally weren’t independent like that. Basically saying that my sister and I were book ish nerds. Uh?? I always had to keep any friends on the DL, if I had said I wanted to take the train 2 hours to NYC with my friends you would have screamed at me for hours. To say we were boring people with no interests sounds so false. Like it’s hard to have interests when your full time job is to get yourself into a school with a four percent acceptance rate or whatever!?
Anyone else’s parents do this?? I want to scream and yet if I say anything history is re written — NOOO they never pushed us regarding academics, they ALWAYS allowed us to have friends and go out, we just never wanted to!? They totally deny how much they screamed at us. Is this an aging thing? Or more of a – whatever they’re only great nieces and nephews I don’t care if they launch so it’s lovely that they talk to me about glass blowing and soul cycle.
Anonymous
I think its a self perception thing. They think of themselves as good parents and have written their memories to reinforce that.
Anon
Grandparents always treat their grandkids differently than they did their own kids. I know you’re not talking about your parents being actual grandparents, but same generation. I don’t see it as a particularly immigrant thing.
Anonymous
This. It’s a grandparent thing.
My ancestors have been here for over 250 years and my parents are the same way.
Anon
I think this is common. Parents are always hardest on their own kids, and it’s human to look back at the past with rose-colored glasses. My parents are very different than you describe but they totally have rose-colored glasses for my childhood. I think avoiding the subject or changing the subject when they make comments like these is the best bet.
Anom
I assume you’re looking for commiseration not advice. I haven’t experienced the particular circumstances you have, but my early 70’s mother definitely has the same tendency to have a totally different memory of my childhood/teenage years than I often do. (My dad probably does too, but he tends to be quieter on those topics). The other week my mother announced in front of me and my sisters that we were never embarrassed by her and my dad when we were kids, just by their parents (our grandparents). We all stayed silent and did not respond. Let the conversation move to a different topic…
Anonymous
My parents and inlaws are both like this. My inlaws however can be rational and in quieter moments when they aren’t gushing, they can be real. For example they’ll say – look the reason my nieces and nephews live in McMansions, bought their kids cars and are giving them hundreds of dollars to party with their friends and travel is because they aren’t scrimping and saving to pay for the ivy league, you get that right? It’s sad, it’s almost like they feel the need to justify and be like – DH we would have liked to do all that for you too, but we just couldn’t do that plus pay for expensive colleges and we decided that the absolute top colleges would give you the greatest shot professionally, whereas a car is just a car. Of course DH and I get it, but it’s nice to hear the reality sometimes too.
But overall I agree this is about treating your kids differently that grand kids and as you say your parents aren’t going to be the ones responsible if the great nephews don’t launch and live at home until 30 so it’s like whatever, let them have fun.
Anon
You’re not alone. My dad loves to deny or downplay how my older sibling relentlessly bullied me. It lasted into my early twenties so it’s not like I was a young kid with a skewed perception of reality. It sucks hearing someone gaslight you and pretend your struggles didn’t happen.
Anonymous
Yup. My childhood was dreadful – lots of arguing, physical domestic violence, one parent never sober and gambling non stop to the point of no money for food, the other crying all the time, a brother who was constantly in trouble at school, with the law, etc. My parents now claim that my childhood was perfect with wonderful holidays. They simply do not understand why I don’t want to spend the holidays with them given how perfect our lives were when I was a child.
anon
I’ve been a guest recently at several midlife weddings, and I’m stuck on what to get the couples. They are established, have been homeowners for years, and have everything they need. No registries. I avoid alcohol for gifts unless I know the couple’s tastes to a tee. Cash isn’t done in my circles unless you’re a close family member or something; it would be seriously weird to give cash to a peer. Budget is between $50-100. Help? What would you love to receive, beyond a heartfelt card?
anon
I guess what I’m asking is if there’s a go-to gift for older, more established couples, because I’m getting to the age where there are more of these and it’s distinctly different than the weddings that were held when we were 20- and early 30-somethings.
anon
I would give a gift card to a nice restaurant (or even better, a restaurant group with some options) in their city, for a date night. $125 might be better if you can swing it, though know your city/audience/budget!
Anon
I think a lot of people want cash. I’m uncomfortable with giving cash to peers too but I just do it because I know that’s what they want. Are you comfortable with gift cards? Opentable lets them go have a nice meal at a restaurant of their choosing.
anonshmanon
I’d probably do gift card (restaurant, home depot, something that relates to them), and a bottle of bubbly with the heartfelt card. Champagne is easy enough to re-gift if they don’t want it.
Anon
In situations like this I tend to go with an exquisite and frivolous object: linen cocktail napkins, vintage sterling silver cake server set, port and crystal port glasses, etc. But I am southern and that kind of stuff goes over well in my circle.
Anon
Yes, from another southerner. Some artistic, upscale item like this seems to be the done thing.
Anon
I got married late in life, didn’t register or have a wedding (we eloped) and people sent gifts anyway in this category and it was by far my favorite thing! Love a frivolous house item.
Anon
Ps – I’m also southern
Anonymous
I’d ask if there’s a charity they support.
For an actual gift, a museum membership, national park membership or similar would be fine. If they live in a house with a garden, I would get them an apple, plum or peach fruit tree to enjoy in their life together.
Kindness first.
Love these ideas!
Former Partner
Elegant picture frame. Classic choice: silver/silver plate engraved with the date of their wedding. Yes, this means you have to decide landscape or portrait before you see the photos. Live on the edge.
Eager Beaver
Sounds a little silly, but I’ve done a set of nice personalized beach towels.
Senior Attorney
I feel like you can’t go wrong with a nice celebratory bottle of champagne — they can always re-gift it if it’s not their taste. Otherwise, I agree with something small and exquisite like a bud vase or cocktail shaker or similar.