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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 146 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Cashmere Turtleneck Sweater

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Neiman Marcus Cashmere Turtleneck Sweater | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. So I've been eyeing this festive blazer but pondering how to wear it when it's SO. DANG. COLD. And the answer, in theory, was always: a silk/cashmere turtleneck. But finding one under $300 turned out to be a bit of a challenge — which is why I'm posting a few of my finds today, because a slim-fitted but warm turtleneck is such a great layering essential. I like the pictured one, at Neiman Marcus (was $280, now $125, available in 10 colors), this Max Studio silk turtleneck (available in 14 colors for $128), and this C by Bloomingdale's cashmere turtleneck (was $158, now $99, available in 16 colors). Neiman Marcus Cashmere Turtleneck Sweater Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Anna

    TJ: I am heading home for the holidays and my parents are going to ask about my newly EX boyfriend, who I found cheating on me in my apartment. How can I deal with this awful situation? I expected we’d be engaged at Christmas, but now this. Any words of advice? TIA.

    • Anonymous

      Keep it simple. “I broke up with him. It’s too raw for me to talk about right now and I don’t want to ruin my holiday. I’ll talk about it when I can. Let’s just enjoy Thanksgiving.”

      • lsw

        This is exactly what I did after a big breakup right before the holidays. We were all sitting in the car driving to extended family, and I said, “Yes, Jim and I broke up; no, I don’t really want to talk about it right now; I’m doing okay; we can talk about it later.”

      • Rogue Banker

        This is pretty much how I handled breaking up with my bf three weeks before my little brother’s wedding. “No, we’re not together anymore, yes he was supposed to be my date to this, I’ll be fine as long as I don’t have to think about it too much and I really would prefer not to talk about it right now.”

        • Ellen

          I agree. This is bad. At least when I broke up with my ex, it was b/c of alchoholism, and not him bringeing a woman into MY apartement for SEX! FOOEY on such a man. I would banish him and his clotheing, then burn the sheet’s he was using with the floozie that was having sex with him in MY bed. I might also get rid of the bed, also. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      • hoola hoopa

        +1000 I did the same. Everyone was mature about it, didn’t ask questions, and stuffed me full of food. Since I wasn’t willing to share yet that he was a complete @sshole, I did have to endure a few “oh, that’s too bad. He was a good guy.” comments.

        FWIW, They eventually got some details – enough to understand that he was, in fact, a huge jerk and they could stop thinking that the breakup was unfortunate – but mostly everyone had moved on by the time I was ready to talk about it several months later.

    • tesyaa

      So sorry to hear of your bad experience. This obviously depends on your relationship with your parents, but rule of thumb: don’t tell them more than you’ll be comfortable answering prying questions about.

    • Brit

      Would it help to do a quick call right now when you can pretend to be in between things and not have time to answer questions? That way they have the news and know not to ask any questions when you actually get home.

      • Shots. Shots. Shots.

        Nah. I’m great at helping you get over than guy you hooked up with that one time, but for real heartache I’m nominating my British cousin, A Nice Cup of Tea. More sustainable.

          • PolyD

            I learned to drink Scotch (not to excess!!) over the Christmas directly following a bad break up. Something about the burn just seemed appropriate.

            Over the break-up, still love Scotch.

    • Roman Holiday

      That is rough and I’m sorry you’re dealing with that on top of holiday stress. Second Anon @9:10 that you should be able to say the absolute minimum and ask that people respect your wishes not to discuss further. Also, could you maybe enlist an ally to hover around the more intrusive relatives and change the subject/interrupt/pull you away if they get too nosy?

    • Zelda

      Sending virtual hugs your way! Have you already told them that you broke up? If not, I would do it over the phone before you arrive. That gives you more control over the conversation and gives them time to process it.

    • Baconpancakes

      If you’re close with your family, you might enjoy the ex-bashing they’ll dish out if you do tell them. No one will ever get as angry about someone hurting you as your family will. But it’s very know-your-family.

      Otherwise, you could say nothing except you broke up and play up how hurt you are and how you need to just process and be surrounded by the love and support of your family and feel normal again.

      hugs.

    • TXLawyer

      Don’t tell them *why* it didn’t work out, unless you’re 100% sure that relationship is over.

      • Kind of quiet

        Agreed. We went through this (and months of ex-bashing) with a relative only for him to be taken back (twice). I really can’t even look at the guy — I know way too much and it’s all horrible.

    • YouSaucyMinx

      I had the same thing happen to me right before Christmas a few years ago. I just came clean, told them what happened, and said “Obviously my heart is broken. Please give me some time to deal” and even my loud, nosey, in your face family gave me the conversational space on the subject.

      • Nancy P

        I had something similar happen to me RIGHT before a trip home (as in the day of!); I wailed about it to my mother on the phone before coming but told her “don’t bring it up unless I do, and please tell everyone else not to mention the fact that he was SUPPOSED TO BE HERE WITH ME.” Everyone did as I asked and it was a good chance to recover and feel loved.

    • Duckles

      WOW, fortuitous timing. My fiance moved out last Friday so this thread is on the nose. I know it’s not my parents’ job to break it to the relatives, but I think they’re hoping it isn’t permanent so I think they’ve kept it pretty quiet and I’m gonna be on my own breaking the news…

  2. Dinner and dancing dress

    I think that LBD and something like a DVF wrap are good choices for winter c-tail parties. I tried a DVF wrap as a possible dress for a “dinner and dancing” event. Um, not unless I’m gunning for a major wardrobe malfunction (or the perpetual resticking of fashion tape). What do you think about this: (link in next post — was featured here recently) with a festive wrap / shoes / jewelry / party hair?

  3. Medic Maggie

    I need so many more of these in my life. I was “banned” from wearing turtlenecks a few years ago because they were not at all flattering on me. Since then, I’ve rediscovered them, and I need all.the.turtlenecks.

    Cashmere is even awesome-er. Can anyone speak to the quality of the bloomingdale’s version? That’s a good price for cashmere. The merino one by Lafayette 148 that I found is incredible, and I definitely need more!

    What’s on tap for the holidays?
    My mother is supposed to come (not thrilled about it), but it’s supposed to be gross weather here, so she might not travel. Otherwise, we are going to a friend’s house for kids to play, and have lunch Thanksgiving before her husband goes to cure the masses in the ER at 4pm. Then, nothing. Nothing. Solace. But if my mom does come up, hubs and I are going to change the brakes on my car.

    • Dinner and dancing dress

      LE has cashmere turtles for $159, but on 40% off today (and free shipping). If you keep in mind that they can run large, maybe those work?

      I have 2, each easily 5 years old and doing fine.

      • MJ

        I would caution that LE cashmere from a few years ago is nicer than what they are doing now. The current crop is thinner, which is fine, but different.

    • Miss Behaved

      No answer on the turtlenecks. I get too warm at work for them.

      But my holiday is shaping up to be a nightmare. I love, love, love my own family, but back in July my mom’s sister emailed to ask if she and her husband and their 2 college-aged sons could come. She said flights home from younger son’s college were too expensive and it would be cheaper to fly to the big East Coast city near us. It’s possible that that’s true, but it’s inconceivable that the flight plus 3 nights of hotel stay for 4 people over Thanksgiving in this city would be reasonable. In my aunt’s original email, she listed the dishes they usually eat during the meal. And concluded with “[Younger son] like pumpkin pie, [Older son] likes pecan. [Husband and I] like both.” We don’t serve either.

      Last month she started emailing my mom almost daily asking how many people were coming, who exactly, etc. My mom told her she didn’t know. We’ve had a very difficult year. My mom had a heart attack in the spring. My brother-in-law’s mother killed herself in September. This terrible tragedy took such a toll on my brother-in-law that he had back surgery less than a month ago. And my poor brother, whose favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, can’t come because his wife is on bed rest. I won’t even tell you about the horrible response my aunt had when she learned of the suicide.

      If she had any grace or sensitivity, she’d have decided not to come. But, NO! Instead, earlier this week, she pitched a fit when she learned we don’t serve sweet potatoes. She insisted that they be served. She says she’ll bring them and cook them and says she’ll need to use the stove.

      And now, she’s losing her mind because there’s a snowstorm in the forecast for tomorrow. She’s now talking about taking the train and having me come pick them all up on Thanksgiving Day and driving them to my parents’ house. I’m headed to my parents’ house after work today and that’s that!

      Sorry for the rant!

      • Anonymous

        Nope! I hear you but if your mom wants to go ahead and be a martyr to her sister that’s on her. Not fair disparaging her “grace and sensitivity.”

        And thanksgiving is traditionally a collaborative meal. Her tone is off but I don’t see anything heinous in offering to bring a dish and personally I’d want to make sure my guests got one of their favorite pies.

        And since you’re not hosting, I think a wineboundary would be useful.

        • TXLawyer

          Wineboundary is the perfect word.

          But I think you have to really avoid adopting a “B*tch eating crackers” mentality on this one. It could be really easy to get lost in the criticism and start seeing every thing she does as being heinous (and you have good reason to think that). For the sake of a tolerable holiday, play Crazy Aunt Bingo and exchange knowing glances with your mom who has had to deal with her sister longer than you have and will appreciate that you’re also seeing how cray-cray Aunt is acting.

          • Nancy P

            Baconpancakes, that made my morning. I may modify that and bring it to play with DH at our Tgiving that promises to be similarly dysfunctional.

          • Miss Behaved

            Baconpancakes, that bingo card is a gem.

            Seriously, there are only 5 or 5 items on that list that I’m pretty sure won’t happen.

            Also, I’ve decided to focus on the fact that my lovely nieces will be there.

            And, regarding all the other comments – particularly those who think I’m judgmental or who feel sorry for my aunt and cousins, let’s just say that there’s far more to the story than you know… like the fact that she is estranged from most of her other siblings because her behavior is so appalling.

        • Miss Behaved

          We are serving pumpkin for her. Per etiquette rules, guests should not bring dishes that require use of the stove. There’s an unwritten rule in our house that the stove is off limits on Thanksgiving Day, which is why the rest of us bring dessert or appetizers.

          And I have bought a case of chardonnay for my mother, sister and I.

          Also, I’m venting here because I can’t speak to her. But I will say that she and her family talk and talk and talk and don’t let us get a word in edgewise. They also show complete disdain for our lives and interests, despite the fact that she and her husband and older son don’t work. Her husband has never worked. They live off family trusts. And her older son dropped out of college.

          We will be gracious and keep our mouths shut, but I did need some place to rant.

          • tesyaa

            Aha, they live off family trusts. So the money is a red herring. Maybe she really wants to see your mom and can’t help being annoying?

            Whether they work or not has nothing to do with the holiday scenario…

            But I understand and agree, this is a great place to vent. However, I hope you changed identifying details (which is what we should all do when venting).

          • Miss Behaved

            Indeed. They claim the money in the trusts is very modest so they have to be thrifty. They used this excuse to explain why younger son is going to a very obscure college, which offered the most scholarship money, rather than the more prestigious schools he also got into.

            The rest of the family thinks they should have gotten jobs, or taken out a loan or broken the trusts or something and sent him to a good school, which would also be the best fit for him. This school is woefully unsuitable for him.

            It is very difficult to keep quiet and listen to them criticize our lives and our choices and interests, in the face of this.

          • Anonymous

            The rest of the family thinks they should have gotten loans for prestige instead of living within their means.

            What ?!?!?

            The rest of the family maybe should try being less judgmental and up in their business.

          • tesyaa

            Well, maybe he didn’t really get into the prestigious schools. And yes, it’s crazy to have to put up with their criticism, so maybe when they start you need to bluntly tell them you don’t enjoy the direction the conversation is turning and brightly change to something uncontroversial, like football or celebrities. But I think you’re focusing too much on other people’s lifestyles and choices, and the less you think about them and their trust funds, the better you’ll feel.

          • Anonymous

            I actually feel bad for your aunt and cousins in this situation. Honestly, you sound just a tad bit judgmental and it sounds like nothing this woman does is right. In my family, I could think nothing of “demanding” [asking] that my sister serve a pumpkin pie. She’s my sister and we have that kind of relationship. Ditto to bringing something to her house to make.

      • tesyaa

        It’s not clear if she’s coming to your house or to your parents’ house. If it’s your parents’ house, it’s their call whom to have as guests. If it’s your place, I imagine you would have spoken up long ago.

        • Medic Maggie

          She sounds an awful lot like Marney from Awkward family photos.

          My mom will be totally out of her element at our friends’ house, but that is ok with me–if anything, it may temper her a little more. Anything else, and I’d be sending out a resounding chorus of “NOPE”

      • Clementine

        You know what I really hate? Those people who just don’t get that it’s not always all about them. Aunt Fussypants sounds like it’s always the ‘Me’ show- all day, every day.

        I like this venting plan. I’m going to have a low key Thanksgiving, but I’ve spent the past weekend and last night until 2 AM making sure that a family member dealing with a debilitating illness and his mobility impaired wife could both be safely accommodated in their small, extremely cluttered townhouse. Wife has some MAJOR hoarding tendencies, but was out of the home for a few days. In those 3 days, my husband, myself and another family member literally lived through a mini episode of hoarders. Wife comes home today and is going to have to deal with major changes to her home- the 4,000,000 piles of random papers thrown in reusable grocery bags have been indexed and filed in the basement, furniture totally rearranged, grab bars installed in the bathrooms, etc.

        This week, husband and wife’s extended family wants to all come in and see them for Thanksgiving.

        There isn’t enough space, I’m worried that family member going through debilitating illness will lose the small shred of dignity and privacy that he has left, and I’m just waiting to see how many ridiculous blow-up fights happen based on just putting too many opinions in a very small space. Family member and I have set up a code where he asks me if I can ‘Come down and help with some paperwork,’ which is code for ‘Please come get these people out of my house.’

      • Moonstone

        The whole situation sounds super stressful. Best of luck on getting through the holiday and I hope you enjoy it as much as you can.

      • Idea

        Please continue to post updates throughout the weekend, if that doesn’t sound too voyeuristic.

    • Rogue Banker

      Heh, I don’t wear turts very much either (they look kind of “enormous… tracts of land” with an F cup chest) but this tempts me. Cashmere anything tempts me though. :P

      As to holidays – absolutely jack. 1500 miles away from my family, unable to get the time off because someone else in my department already had it requested, gonna spend the time getting reacquainted with my pillow and my kindle. Planning a long skype call with my parents, brother and sister-in-law on Christmas, at least, and a week-long trip to see them all over Easter as a consolation prize of sorts.

  5. Roman Holiday

    ‘Scuse me while I vent for just a moment here. I busted my tuchus last week to finish a project. It was dumped in my lap (without warning) on Wednesday, with a deadline on Friday morning. I was assured I would get the tools I needed for the project (plus additional outside support) very quickly.
    In reality, I didn’t get the bare minimum I needed to even start the project until late Thursday afternoon, and then only after I harassed multiple people, including interrupting a meeting of senior colleagues. I worked late to finish it, dealt with numerous tech problems that should have been resolved weeks ago by the same people that dumped the project on me, and managed to scrap together a darn good finished product by the deadline. I also had a couple people review it, just to be safe.

    Then, this week, a smarmy colleague strolled into my office and criticized the fact that the font in one topic heading didn’t match another. This guy is marginally involved in the department, and left around 3pm the same day I stayed to finish that wretched project. Also, he chose to make his comments in front of my boss, who was out of the office during the whole debacle.

    I think my face and tone translated to “ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!” pretty clearly, because he left quite quickly and hasn’t been back since. Fortunately for me, my boss was already angry on my behalf that I’d had to deal with the trainwreck of a project and she probably wouldn’t have cared if I’d written the thing by hand in crayon. Ok, rant done.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Ugh. This reminds me of someone I know from an old job that would proof read something and fix a few minor formatting issues and then try to claim credit with the substantive crew for “working on the project.”

      • Anonymous

        Or my colleague who faulted an excellent candidate for a position because he had “too many semicolons in his cover letter.” Yeesh.

  6. Anonymous

    Is there anything more early 90s mumsy than a turtleneck with a velvet blazer ? Will The Hunt feature the search for diamanté shoe clips?

    Turtlenecks are only for “festive” if you are at least 70. They’re the winter equivalent of wearing a really cute skort to a BBQ.

    • tesyaa

      Graphic but true. Reminds me of the “festive” shiny metallic polyester high-necked blouse I wore circa 1991. Sometimes with a blazer.

    • anon

      What if you took the t-neck (in an xs) and velvet blazer (also in an xs) and put it on a Real Housewife-shaped person? With a spray tan, platform heels, and some sort of tight/short skirt? I could see it being a little bit of a winter version of the original Britney Spears video.

      [But, yeah, it’s a look, but maybe not the look for you.]

      • Anonymous

        What the what? No. Still 90s, still mumsy, still no. This critique isn’t about size.

        • Kind of quiet

          That’s interesting. Some clothes seem to attract buyers of a certain sort, but maybe we’d think differently of the clothes if they were bought by buyers of a different sort.

          I’m thinking that a tutleneck might have a different reputation in places where it is colder (everyone is cold, it is more egalitarian, younger and wildly stylish people might wear them more).

          OTOH: sweatpants. Why, oh why, do the catalogs in my mailbox keep trying to bring them back as “slouchy pants”, “track pants”, and other marketing-department names. If I wouldn’t buy it at Wal*mart for $5, I wouldn’t buy them for 5x or 10x that.

          • Anonymous

            I’m in someplace cold. And turtlenecks are still for the elderly and people in the 90s.

          • Pretty Primadonna

            I’m some place warm. I LOVE turlenecks and do not associate them with the elderly and/or unfashionable.

            ETA: Under a blazer, I’d probably do a thin belt to liven the blazer/turtleneck combo.

        • Baconpancakes

          I actually think of fit, slim-hipped tv moms when I think of the turtleneck and velvet blazer combo. With a neat, practical pageboy haircut and a very bright lipstick,probably pink. Possibly featuring a velvet ribbon headband, a la early 2000’s Hillary Clinton (still love you, Hils!).

          It’s 90’s and mumsy because it’s full-coverage, very practical, and dated. Let’s be honest, whenever fashion swings extremely practical, it looks mumsy. There’s a definite element of fashion that requires impracticality, until you hit utilitarian (like LL Bean Duck boots), which is also a bit impractical in its over-compensation in urban areas.

          • Red Beagle

            +1. Late to this discussion but to me a turtleneck reads “hiding my turkey neck.” Sorry. Also can’t do it with any significant chest size at any age and not look ridiculous.

    • Truth

      “diamanté shoe clips” made me lol. +1 for being so true re: turtleneck + blazer. The fashion here is really on its way downhill. I can’t believe sweater Ugg boots were featured the other day. And now we get a turtleneck under a teal lace see-through blazer with leather trim! Lordy

      • YouSaucyMinx

        In defense of the Uggs, they were mentioned as for puttering around the house. As slippers or dog walking shoes, I have no problem with them. It wasn’t like Kat was saying wear them to the office.

      • mmm

        I agree. There are certainly stylish ways to wear turtlenecks. And sometimes being warm is more important than being uber, cutting edge stylish.

        • Baconpancakes

          I’ll give you the black turtleneck. Still running screaming from the red.

          • Sterling Archer

            I have ten turtlenecks. Five are black, and five are a slightly darker black.

            Really, though, they are tactical turtlenecks. Tactle-necks!

    • Miranda Priestly

      Agreed. I hadn’t realized Andy Sachs started interning for Kat. Humph, seems much more appropriate.

  7. SallyStruthers

    I’m in NYC looking for a plastic surgeon to correct a mole-removal-gone-wrong on my face. While I’d love recommendations, my real question is how one goes about researching physicians. If I can find 300 reviews of a local restaurant, why can’t I find the same for my doctor (somewhat rhetorical)? Any resources people recommend? I’m feeling very burned after my last experience. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Because reviews shouldn’t be the most important thing in choosing a doctor! I don’t care at all what Joe Schmo thinks of a plastic surgeon. He knows nothing. I’d figure out which hospital in the city has the best plastics dept ( lots of rankings available ) and look for an experienced doctor in that group.

      • SallyStruthers

        Well, they’re not the only thing that matters, but if patients have bad experiences with doctors, I want to know about it. My own doctor (someone actually recommended on this s1te but I should’ve done my homework) was actually blatantly negligent when I had an allergic reaction (“eh, it’s fine” and then a week later “it occurred to me that was an allergic reaction–I probably should have told you to go to the hospital, but I’m glad it worked out!” and later, “oh, my medical assistant shouldn’t have given you those instructions! That’s why it healed like that.”) But that’s why I want something more comprehensive. If online doc sites are like lawyer reviews, I don’t know whether to trust them or chalk them up to professional horsetrading.

        • Idea

          This. I had a terrible experience with one surgeon (2 surgeries gone wrong, needed to be fixed) and would love to warn people away from him. Not in a “service is bad” kind of yelp way, but in a IF YOU VALUE THE USE OF YOUR ARM, FOR GdS SAKE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE kind of way.

          It wasn’t malpractice, for a lot of reasons, but there’s no way to show a claim that is less than malpractice but still happened :(

    • Lucy in TX

      healthgrades.com and zocdoc work very well for me, i can see ratings and comments from other patients. Good luck with that mole “soon to be banished” :)

      • Millie

        My marginally employed friend was recruited by (IIRC) zocdoc (or equivalent), and his impression was that they bully doctors into paying / advertising with them by otherwise threatening to post bad reviews. I don’t think the reviews are BS, but I think there is some selectivity going on. I also sometimes search for reviews of MDs I’ve been seeing (usually where I am kind of ticked off and wondering how bad things might get), and I find that others’ reviews don’t match my experience at all. Not sure if this is because I am too picky or because the websites are not totally accurate, but I never trust online MD reviews. I have gotten some good recs from the wise women of this s1te (thankfully I live in a big metro area, so there are other re++es in my city), and I have also gotten good recs from my own MDs.

        On the specific question of plastic surgery, I unfortunately don’t have experience in NYC, though….Otherwise would give you some names.

        • big dipper

          I’m glad you posted this because I’ve had a review I left blocked/hidden on ZocDoc. I had a horrible experience at an ob gyn (starting with an extremely paternalistic ob gyn, moving to receptionists who repeatedly mixed me up with another patient and gave out her sensitive information over the phone, and culminating in heinous billing practices).

          I tried to post a review that basically read as follows: “While I got the care I needed, I found the administrative staff to be disorganized and was unable to get in touch with the billing department when I had questions about my bill.”

          Not ranty, fairly basic, super frustrating that it was blocked. The doctor must have paid more to have negative reviews blocked there (all her reviews on ZocDoc are glowing, all her reviews elsewhere are heinous).

    • Anon for med stuff

      I have a lengthy comment in mod. Stay tuned. It might actually end up below in the wrong place. Grrr.

    • MJ

      NY Magazine does a Best Doctors issue annually which is peer-reviewed. I once checked the plastic surgeons with my friend who grew up on the UES and she said it was spot-on. I don’t know if your fix is major enough to need plastics, but if so, Sherell Aston is the face guy to the rich, famous and trying to look younger in NYC. Good luck!

      • SallyStruthers

        Thanks, this is great! I didn’t know that was peer-reviewed–that’s helpful. And I’ll check out Sherell Aston as well. When it comes to your face, you typically want a plastic surgeon–just not the one I originally went to, apparently!

  8. Anon for med stuff

    I got some great advice here before in a similar situation. I needed to have a medical procedure but given the location I needed someone with plastic surgery experience to make sure I wasn’t too scarred by the procedure. I was really concerned about going somewhere cosmetic beauty focused. In other words, I’d prefer a place that fixed things that went wrong rather than a place geared towards making normal people look more conventionally beautiful. I was also concerned about being upsold while there or having to stare at pictures of the “ideal” boobs and tummy while just ducking in for my medical procedure.

    I think the advice I got was to look for facilities that focus on reconstruction. Also, the ones that do purely cosmetic usually don’t take health insurance.

    I started by getting a recommendation from my doctor. Then I called that place which couldn’t help me but they suggested someone else and so forth. I used the docs website to get a feel for his practice. It is not the best way to go but it helped weed out some that were clearly into the cosmetic enhancements.

    There were some google reviews for the doc I went with. I also searched my state’s board reports to see if he had any prior discipline. I also had a consultation where I could feel out if he seemed like a good fit for me.

    I also found some medical journals where he wrote about the condition I was having treated. If you have something less common, don’t be shy to ask specifically “how often have you done this?” When asking doctors that will be referring you to someone ask why they think that doctor would be good. You are trying to tease out if her patients have had luck w/ the other doc or if they are just college buddies.

  9. Shopaholic

    Question about Christmas: I’m in my late 20s, and my immediate family (parents and sister) is planning a few days away for Christmas. Work will be really busy (although I can probably get away for a few days to join them) but to be perfectly honest, I don’t really want to. My parents make a huge deal about this being important, non-negotiable family time but there are a lot of dynamics at play that make this an uncomfortable situation for me, and I’m not really looking forward to the inevitable comments about my weight and my single status.

    I guess I’m basically asking for permission not to go? My only alternative is to spend Christmas alone but I would love the time to binge-watch TV and be cozy in my apartment.

    Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      How far into planning and how much have you gone along with this already ?

      If no one has bought tickets and this is still in the idea stage I think you’re fine to say no, with the knowledge that it sounds like this will be a huge deal for your family.

      If you’ve been kinda going along with it and they probably think you’ve said yes , suck it up and go. Bailing after the plans have been made is a whiny drama queen move.

      • Shopaholic

        I’ve been kinda going along with it but also have been on the fence and said it depends on work. My family already bought their tickets so they’re going with or without me (they bought them before I had confirmed).

        Maybe being a whiny drama queen is better than putting myself through 4 days full of passive-aggressive comments about how I’m living my life wrong.

        • Anonymous

          Maybe. But maybe you needed to balls up and a) say no before they bought tickets or b) tackle the passive aggressiveness head on with a well timed “excuse me? Being family doesn’t mean you get to treat me like dirt.”

          Staying home alone for Christmas when you’ve indicated you are joining your family is just a really immature move.

          • anonymama

            But it doesn’t sound like the trip is dependent on her presence at all. The parents and sister would still go.

            Also, by the time you’re in your late 20s you can say no if you don’t want to go, they don’t really get to say something is “non-negotiable” unless you are dependent on them for money or something. You can give work as an excuse if you want to avoid conflict in the short term, but it might be more productive in the long term to be up front with them if you want them to change at all/get off your case.

        • January

          Yes, but… if you committed to going, then back out, you will have to deal with more than 4 days’ worth of passive-aggressive comments about how you’re living your life wrong.

        • Former Partner, Now In-House

          Is there a reason you can’t be direct and straightforward with them about how and when you want to spend time with them (both for this trip and for the future)? If they feel like they have the truth about how much interaction you are prepared to have with them, maybe they won’t feel like they have to constantly try to stake out their territory (aka time with you).

          • Shopaholic

            Just to clarify: I had not committed to going – my family does a similar trip every year so they were doing research and I told them that I may or may not be able to go depending on work. They bought the tickets anyways and then told me to do my job from the hotel room (they don’t really understand how difficult this would be).

            And FWIW, I have tackled the passive-aggressiveness head on before but I get told I’m uptight or can’t take a joke or I’m overreacting – it doesn’t really work with my family.

            Normally, I’m happy to spend time with them and can deal with the comments but their comments recently have hit on some of my sore subjects and I’m scared I’ll have a tough time dealing, which is why I don’t want to be more direct about why I don’t want to go (although that would be a good idea in another context).

            Thanks ladies – I really appreciate the support and all the comments that are forcing me to really think about this.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t go! Please, don’t go if you don’t really want to. If you have to come up with a white lie excuse, do it, but don’t go! Happy Holidays!

      • Idea

        Don’t go, and you don’t have to spend Christmas alone if you don’t want to… friends, volunteer, events, (volunteer at events)… do what you want, even if it IS wine and a bath.

    • TXLawyer

      I don’t think you should ever feel guilty about me-time. Depending on your comfort level, either tell them work is too busy to get away that time of year (but don’t get caught in the lie), or tell them you’re only getting limited time off and you have a lot of life-stuff to catch up on (they don’t need to know it’s House of Cards).

    • Jennifer

      I’ll give you permission. I will also be spending Christmas alone being cozy in my apartment, and I cannot wait. Give them an alternative date in the spring or something for visit, and tell them it’s the best you can do with your work schedule (probably also call christmas morning to cover any lingering hurt feelings). I love my family, but I HATE traveling on busy days when there is a high chance of bad weather.
      Enjoy your day to yourself, and consider it a present to yourself to not have to deal with snide comments.

    • Shopaholic

      PS Thanks ladies for all the supportive comments and the permission. I feel super guilty about not going but really need my own space I think this time.

      • NytoCO

        My longer comment is in mod for some reason. TL;DR: sign up to serve food at a local shelter for Christmas (but actually do it). Then you have an excuse if you need one other than “Sorry, I can’t make it”

    • NytoCO

      Other than just saying “sorry, I won’t be able to make it this year”, you can sign up to serve meals for several days at a shelter or food bank and use that as your excuse (but still actually do it). If I was spending Christmas alone I would really enjoying this, and I believe there are some commenters are on here that spend their holidays doing just this.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been struggling with this, too, this year. I usually see my family at some point but the last few years, my SIL has made me feel like such an imposition that I’m over it. We don’t have either parent so it’s weird. This year, my brother planned a trip to a resort (driving distance for him) with my stepmother then was attempting to guilt me into coming. I have declined. a) The flights are hugely expensive and mainly leave at 5 am. Small airport to small airport. My stepmother paid $800 for her flight; b) I just really have no interest in this trip and wasn’t consulted on the planning (typical for my family); and c) It’s the only time I have all year (between Christmas and New Years) when I have time to myself to relax. I usually do a dinner for friends on Christmas Day and I may not even do that this year. I have a lot of work and church obligations in December leading up to Christmas and I have no energy for this. So, I guess what I’m saying is… go for it. Do what’s right for you and don’t feel guilty about it.

    • West Coast

      If you can swing the travel, go for 40 hours. Arrive 6pm on 24th, leave at 10am on the 26th, then book a spa day on the 27th.

  10. Anonymous

    I have my first eyelash extension appointment in about 2 hours. I am super excited. I have done my research, looked at hundreds of before and after photos and picked the most reputable salon in my area. Any last thoughts for me before I go in? Thank you!

      • tesyaa

        Since there’ve been horror stories posted as comments on this very s!te about eyelash extensions, I can see why a reader would want to spend time researching. That said, it’s an extremely elective procedure so if someone finds it too scary there are always alternatives like good old false lashes.

  11. Negotiating a new role

    I am in a spot where I’ve been asked to take over (another) department. I was promoted at the begining of last year, and this move would be another promotion–taking the department I built and folding in another –larger–struggling department whose leader is moving elsewhere in our compmany. This isnt’ something I actively sought out, but our company was just aquired and my boss (#2 in the old company) and her peer have independantly asked me “what it would take” for me to take on this new role. IE they know it’s going to be a pain in the @ss for me, but they figure if anyone can do it, I can. We have interviewed several external candidates, and none is a good fit so far.

    I’ve more or less resigned myself to taking on the new role- it’s a more presitigous title, more authroity, etc. But I have a new baby and a LOT going on in life these days (my existing role is no walk in the park), and this is adding in something else I just wasn’t prepared to have the mental capacity to do. I’ve shared all this with my boss (and her peer), because while I am interested, I’m not going to go into things blindly. I have shared how I’d re-org the various departments and how it would be (hopefully) more effective, shared the new/changes in headcount I’d need to support the structure, and shared what I need offloaded from my current plate. Where we left things was that they’d “work things on the HR end” (make it so I can apply internally, get a pay bump etc) and that I was to spend Thanksgiving coming up with my “requirements” to take on the job/ make it appealing for me. How my boss put it was, “list out the things you’d want/require if you were interviewing for a role at a new company so we can do our best to meet them and have you really want this role.”

    So…here I am. I want to articulate some of the internal-to-the company things I need (clear goals and backing for my strategy going into 2015; if I don’t have it, I won’t be successful), budget, title/comp (another issue, but not one I’m particularly concerned at this time with), but I also want to be careful that I don’t lose the work/life balance I’ve fought for the past 3 years to get. I see my baby a lot. There will be more babies in my not-so-distant future. My husband ALSO works really hard, so I can’t just take anything they throw my way. I cut way back on my travel since the kiddo was born, and I need to maintain a REASONABLE travel schedule. I work remotely, so hours/office conditions are not much of an issue.

    What else would you throw onto the pile, knowing I more or less have the upper hand AND am going to be a master of my fate here since they are giving me the option to craft the role.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      Resources (i.e., outside consultant or other) to help you assess new, larger, combined department and its needs. Sit-down in X months to discuss what new department needs and make sure you get resources to do it.

      • Negotiating a new role

        I actually don’t need this. My boss, who is an EVP, has a shared assistant that I can bug when I need something administrative/ massive stuff coordinated. but a great thought!

        • Meg Murry

          I’d still make sure its listed as you having access to this assistant – so if in future it is ever decided to eliminate that assistant role or make it part time or roll it into other responsibilities, or if you get a new boss or new assistant that support later doesn’t get put into the “not my/her job”.

          It makes it an easy item for them to “give” you, and still makes it clear that you get this support.

    • Millie

      What about explicitly identifying certain tasks that you are not responsible for, and/or having a designated assistant or staffer to handle those or other tasks?

      If you work from home, you may want to seek an increased budget to improve your resources. Or if you are renting a local workspace, perhaps they can cover the cost?

      • Negotiating a new role

        The new role would come with a pay bump that would help the purchasing of a new home with a bigger/better office space, which I can write off ;) I actually do have some good office/meeting space locally because our company has a branch in my city; I just don’t work out of that building because it’s easier to work from my home office and my direct reports are scattered across the country.

    • Flower

      I work at a much lower level, but when I was negotiating my new position, I basically put in checks for “what if I hate it” or “What if I don’t get those things I needed”. So if you are supposed to have X additional admin support by Y date and that doesn’t happen, then what?

    • NYNY

      Echo the resources part. If you’re folding two departments into each other while working from home, you’ll need someone to oversee each team on site – so at least two strong deputies. Do you have internal candidates in mind?

      Also, think about whether you will need extra space – is there a large enough conference room for a joint department meeting available to you? Maybe you need occasional offsite meetings included in the budget.

  12. Anon-Christmas

    On the topic of bad family Christmases. My grandfather is the 1%, he has cut my immediate family off for childish reasons, none of us expressly care because we are self sufficient adults. The problem is he bank rolls all my cousins, aunts and uncles. We are expected to live as if we were super wealthy just like them, which we aren’t. The problem is only further compounded by my grandfather’s belief in meritocracy, he is entirely oblivious to the fact that in the 60s being a white European straight male was the golden ticket. I don’t know what I’m expressly looking for, maybe just commiserations?

    • anon

      I can commiserate. My grandfather is 1%, ex-Navy, a retired judge, and extremely conservative. He is a white man who graduated law school before the civil rights act was passed. He also believes deeply in meritocracy, but also is willing to support my aunts and uncles who failed to launch, for various reasons. As far as I’m concerned, that’s his call, but I find it makes it hard to stomach his believe in Bootstraps(tm) (especially when that belief is usually expressed in racist and classist terms). We have very different ways of viewing the world, and he ribs/debates/chastises me for my views in a way I feel I cannot reciprocate. He hasn’t cut me off, per se, or anything like that, but sometimes I cringe when he waves away my law school loans as something that’s just no big deal and I should stop worrying. I get that I’m not entitled to his money, but then I think about my uncle who hasn’t worked in 15 years… grrrr.

      My coping mechanism is to try to keep our relationship as simple as possible. I try to keep my expectations manageable. He’s my grandpa, we come from different worlds. I love him, he loves me, we play Chinese checkers and do crosswords and I gently segue out of his political rants.

  13. anonymous

    I have a job interview coming up, and it’s my first in quite some time. What would you say is your #1 thing that you do to really impress (or that you’ve seen candidates do that was really impressive)? Besides basic things like being nice to people, doing your homework, etc.

    • lsw

      This is kind of interview 101, but definitely send a handwritten thank you note afterwards. That’s my biggest. I guess it depends on industry whether you do an email or handwritten, but for me, handwritten is the way to go. And just this morning, my boss was saying how he feels like younger people he interviews never 1) make eye contact and 2) shake his hand on the way out, so maybe do both those things! Good luck!!

      • Anon99

        In most industries the decision is made way before a handwritten note would arrive, and possibly before email.

      • Brant

        Know your industry, but handwritten is not relevant in mine. A timely, thoughtful follow up email is very important to me when I hire.

      • Anonymous

        Depending on the industry, I would not send a handwritten note. At my company, decisions are made before the note would arrive

      • Kim

        This was interview 101 maybe 10 years ago. Now, email, or nothing. Nothing is fine. Handwritten thank-yous are for personal gifts and such.

      • Latte Tuesday

        In my industry (medical) a hand-written thank you note be unusual and almost certainly arrive after decisions were made. Email is okay, but probably won’t help you and there is a risk of harm. Most people do nothing.

    • anon

      I interviewed two very different people yesterday, so while it’s fresh in my mind I’ll tell you what the one did that set herself apart: 1) asked lots of relevent questions– she clearly had good experience in the field and had thoroughly researched our company; 2) the way she responded to my describing the job also showed that she knew what she was talking about– the other candidate was trying to come across as enthusiastic by saying “really?” a lot, but instead it appeared that she was surprised by some of the job duties.

    • anon

      Have read our entire website and have knowledgeable questions about our practice areas. Have though through ahead of time a good explanation of why you want to work at our firm in particular, as well as show me that you’ve thought through what might be troubling on your resume and have prepared responses (i.e., long period of unemployment, job in a totally unrelated field, etc.) — if you haven’t thought about that kind of thing ahead of time, you don’t look very sharp. Also, make eye contact! I’ve recently interviewed a few people who did not, and they did not get an offer. (Aware that for some cultures eye contact may be seen as disrepectful, but these were both white men born and raised in the US.)

    • HR Anon

      I work in HR and I can tell you that no one sends handwritten thank you letters anymore. Plus, they take too long to get to the person, and it shows you are out of touch.

    • Idea

      Research the people you’re going to talk to on LinkedIn, if possible.
      Know 1 or 2 recent things the company has done lately, from newspapers/press, not just their website.

      Ask people how they got into the company, what their challenges are.

      You’ll do great!

  14. wintergreen126

    I have curly hair that needs product to keep it looking decent. But I think the product residue is starting to build up, and my regular shampoo isn’t cutting it. It’s resulted in my scalp getting kind of itchy. I suspect the silicones in one my regular products isn’t helping matters, either.

    I need a clean (no pun intended) start, so any suggestions for a clarifying shampoo? Preferably without tea tree oil. We don’t get along.

    • Anon

      Fellow curly-haired woman here, and I also use product daily. I like Trader Joe’s Nourishing Shampoo. Cleans without stripping, and not pricey (I think it is $3/bottle).

    • Anon in NYC

      I’ve had good experiences with Neutrogena anti-residue shampoo. I find that if I use that for a day or so before switching back to my regular shampoo it will clear up residue and itchiness. For my regular shampoo I’ve been using Kerastase color-safe shampoo (which I really like), but for a less expensive option I’d recommend just finding a gentle, sulfate-free one.

      • Anon for this

        This! It’s perfect for occasional clarifying. A bottle typically lasts me a few years.

    • Flower

      I’ve used Neutrogena Anti Residue before. It is strong stuff – they recommend not using it more than once a week – but it does work.
      http://www.neutrogena.com/product/anti-residue+shampoo.do

      My other suggestion is just cheap clarifying shampoo – VO5 is probably my favorite. Costs about $2, and will definitely strip your hair. It used to be my go to shampoo (my hair produces so much oil that I used to get a headache if I didn’t shower daily), but stopped once I started coloring my hair.

    • aBr

      Cheap grocery store shampoo. Sauve normally works great when I need to strip the residue out of my hair.

  15. lsw

    I have the driest curly hair in the world, but I also have trouble with product build-up. I like Davines shampoo when I need it, and Wen every other time I wash. On shampoo days, I use Davines first, then Wen. YMMV if you don’t have hair dry like a bird’s nest.

    I also recently had an insanely irritated and itchy scalp, and I put hydrocortisone on it before bed which REALLY helped. So if it’s really uncomfortable, that could give you a little relief!

  16. OttLobbyist

    Late TJ – what do people do to help them be productive on days when you have more meetings than not?
    I keep finding myself with 20 minutes here, or a half an hour there, and am finding it really hard to make that time productive, knowing I have to get back up and back into a meeting. I try picking off small tasks, or dealing with email correspondence, but I can run out of those things.

    • Brant

      My day is generally back to back meetings. I schedule specific blocks of time on my calendar for any deliverable. I spend the 5-10 minutes i have when things end early catching up/triaging email, and/or eating.

    • Rogue Banker

      Are there any big things that can be broken into small chunks? i.e. long report that needs to be read or annotated, that you can do one or two sections at a time, or something similar. If not, something that helps me at least FEEL like I’m being productive is to make a list of the things that need doing when I do get some unintterupted time, and organizing that list into high, medium and low priority categories. That way, I know exactly what I need to start with when the meetings are done.

    • Wildkitten

      I use the emergent task planner. It has my schedule and to do list on the same page (I make a new one for the next day the night before). That way I can stay on task in between interruptions.

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