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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’ve seen so many versions of this lady cardigan this fall, but this version from Target is the best price I’ve seen if you’re looking to try out the trend. It’s out of stock at my local store, so I haven’t seen it in person yet, but the reviews mention that it’s higher quality than one might expect for the price point.
With the cropped and slightly boxy fit, I would probably wear it over a sheath dress or with some high-waisted trousers for the office. The punchy red color would look great paired with navy, light blue or gray.
The sweater is $35 at Target and comes in sizes XS-4X (but most smaller sizes are unfortunately sold out online). Smaller sizes and other colors might be available in-store, so keep an eye out on your next Target run.
Psst: WOW Target has several “cardigan boleros” right now.
Looking for something similar? Mango has a lot of striped cardigans at the moment.
Some of our other latest favorite Chanel-style jackets for work in 2024 include these, but in general check brands like Chanel, St. John, IRO, L'Agence, Sandro, ba&sh, and J.Crew (XXS-3X). On the budget side of things, check out Quince and J.Crew Factory (XXS-3X).
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Reader I am divorcing him
Hello, popping in for an update and a question – (TLDR divorcing alcoholic abusive husband). Quite a lot has happened to him over the last few weeks, culminating in him being charged with drink driving, which in many ways although a shock has been a relief to me, as it tells me that the police are not accepting his version of events. It does distress me that his world is disintegrating so fast after I stopped trying to fix things , but I don’t feel any responsibility for it, which I think is a progression in my feelings. I think it is legit that I still feel sad for him, but I do not need to try to make anything different. The much more scary police stuff is still to come, but I am putting that aside until and if I need to deal with it.
So, this leads me to my question – for those of you who have been planning retirement – how did you decide what to do? I’m doing work with my therapist on this, as what I thought it was going to be has rather collapsed. Financially I am solid, so really, I am very fortunate, but I am having to change assumptions, and I want to take the time to get it right, rather than just plough on with the way I thought it would be. I know I could fill my day very easily with not much, so knowing how I am, I need to plan to put structure in there. Any books/tools/podcasts you found helpful.
Thank you as always for listening. I’m getting there and faking it till I make it .
Anon
I’m proud of you! As to planning retirement – my closest experience is with my parents and they handled it really differently. My dad took almost a year and essentially just vegged. Read a lot, cooked a lot, hiked a lot. Then, he started volunteering at animal shelters and at local parks with science research (like walking around listening to frog calls and counting snakes, pretty niche and very cool). My mom ramped down from full time work that she didn’t especially like to part-time work more consistent with her interests. She likes to be busy so has joined hobby groups, book clubs, takes classes, schedules lots of coffees and outings with friends. All along they maintained season tickets to a cultural institution and spend lots of time with their grandkids. So all that to say there isn’t one right way and it can change over years so no pressure to get it right from the start. Staying physically active and connected to people / community is really important, but that can take a lot of different forms.
Anonymous
You might check the AARP site; if you have a membership they have useful content.
Jules
Thank you for the update, and it is so good to hear that you have such a good attitude toward soon-to-be-ex-H.
A friend who retired last year told me the key is to retire TO something, whether it’s another kind of work, or volunteering, or whatever it might be. (In her case, she was a journalist – we were on our high school newspaper together and she stayed with it, and she won a Pulitzer! – and she has pivoted to her longtime hobby of pottery, teaching and doing part-time work at the studio. But it can be whatever you want. I too think I would do not much of anything (if left to myself, I would do nothing but puzzles and listening to audiobooks.
We’re all supporting you as move to the next phase!
B
I think you need a sense of purpose in retirement.
For me, I quit at 50 to do other things that are meaningful to me. Writing, take trips with parents, new interests and old hobbies.
Eye make-up recs
After a long time WFH, I have a few business trips coming up and need simple updates to my eye makeup.
On Zoom I put on a bright lipstick and called it a day, but due to health reasons, I will still be masking on the trips so mainly looking for eye shadow, brow pencil and mascara.
Not looking for high-end products, but something I can buy at Target, other drugstores or maybe Ulta if it doesn’t break the bank.
In the before-2020 times, I wore a neutral Tarte eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara, but wonder whether I should go for a cream eye shadow stick to make things simpler. Dark brown mascara is my favorite, if possible water-proof.
So, hit me with your recs of your favorite products or brands, please
Anonymous
I like the NYX eyeshadow sticks, and the L’Oreal Voluminous mascara. I haven’t found a good drugstore eyeliner, I use Bobbi Brown.
Anon
I like the Maybelline color tattoo cream shadow, but they are in pots. Revlon also has some. Wet n Wild oddly also has a shadow stick I like, but limited colors.
I think L’Oréal has dark brown mascara and usually has both waterproof and regular formulas.
Anon
I’m a ‘cool’ brunette and ELF makes my favorite brow pencil and brow gel by far, highly recommend them but you may want a separate spoolie to comb/blend.
Anon88
+1 for the ELF brow pencil!
Anonymous
oh, great to know, i haven’t tried their brow pencil. i THINK i’m a cool brunette, ha.
ALT
The elf micro point brow pencil in neutral brown is my go to. So if you don’t know if you’re a cool vs warm brunette, you can choose neutral :)
Lorelei
My holy grail mascara is L’Oreal Paris Voluminous Mascara, Waterproof, Color Black Brown. For whatever reason, any other color is not as good.
anonamouse
I recently forgot my makeup bag on a week long work trip and did a Target run for replacements on a budget – and stumbled into some new favorite products!
I second recommendations for the ELF or NYX eyeshadow creme sticks – they are so easy and the more expensive brands are only marginally better. Do one eye at a time and blend a little with your finger before it sets.
If you don’t want to mess with a brow pencil, both ELF and NYX also make great brow mascaras, which are pretty foolproof. If you will want any concealer, the L’Oreal Infallible had an impressive shade range and was very long-wearing, I think it could stand up well in the undereye area even with being near a mask all day.
Anon
Are adult birthdays a big thing to you as an adult? Do you give or want presents from your girlfriends?
Gifts are soooo not my love language, and I have progressive calendar alerts to remind me to not forget my husband’s birthday (whose love language is likewise not gifts). Some years we just do cards, and some years we do a small happy – something under $40 or so.
All the neighbor wives on our cul-de-sac do birthday gifts. There’s a spreadsheet with everyone’s bday! And a text the night before from some thoughtful neighbor reminding you not to forget Jill’s bday tomorrow. Cards and giftwrap are expected. Dude. I have enough going on my life without remembering a neighbor’s birthday, stopping to buy a scented candle or lotion or nice bottle of wine for her, wrapping it, and getting a card. I’m not a grouch at all! I’m friendly and fun to be around and will happily bring potato salad to the cookout, I just haaaate gifts and the emotional labor of giving to neighbors (and teachers and mailmen and your Sunday School class, and on and on). I wish I could opt out, but DH gave them my bday when we moved in and I’ve already been gifted, so I’m in it now.
How do you feel about adult gifts? Would you be excited to live on this cul-de-sac and I’m just a grump?
Cat
A simple Happy Birthday text, or verbal Happy Birthday when you see me outside, is PLENTY. Or maybe you don’t even know my actual birthday since it never came up, so you don’t say anything. Also fine.
Anon
This is where I’d just buy a case of wine (or a bunch of neighborhood-spot gift cards, like to a coffee shop) and tie a ribbon around a bottle for special people I felt closer with (not ever neighbor is a wine neighbor unless you’re very lucky). Busy people got to keep it simple. And here, while I’m not a gift person, I get merging into the existing culture when I’ve been the new person. And wine doesn’t clutter up the house.
anonshmanon
+1. I’d roll my eyes at this, and then happily settle in to be the bad/least thoughtful gift giver on the block.
I want my husband to make a little fuss about me on my birthday, and my closest family to send me a text, but that’s it.
Anonymous
+1 to all this. I don’t even want gifts from my husband (although he usually gets me one anyway, and does a good job), but I do want to be spoiled a little. Texts from close friends and family are appreciated.
Anonymous
Yup, this. Get a case of the same thing or a stack of the same gift cards and give the same thing each time.
I don’t buy this “love language” BS, but I do think that some people are better at gifting than others (or more interested in doing so). What your neighbors are doing sounds performative though.
Flats Only
Plus the same thing to everyone has the advantage of appearing like you like all your neighbors equally. It would suck if the gossip ran to “she got Jane a designer wallet and I got a $25 bottle of wine”.
anon
I tend to give birthday gifts to close friends or those that plan a birthday dinner/brunch for themselves. I have a shelf in the cupboard with generic gifts – stuff like fancy candles, basic jewelry, cheeky dishtowels, novelty items, etc. In my city, various charities do a 25% off card twice a year for boutiques, so I normally restock the shelf then and don’t buy for a specific person. But, agreed, the cul-de-sac would be a bit much for me. It does make me wonder if perhaps it grew out of a particular year where one of their birthdays were forgotten.
Anon
My longtime girlfriends and I sometimes have birthday lunches, sometimes we don’t. The most frequent gift is a book or a lipgloss or something like that. Nothing over the top. Often a funny card, which I always appreciate.
Anon
I’m not a big birthday person in general, but I think making hating gifts (and thank you notes!) a personality trait has become more common and can definitely be curmudgeonly. Think of it as investing in local friendships and community (something many people, as well as published researching, report as lacking for millions) and maybe it will seem more fun. Female friendships are worth their weight in gold.
Anonymous
I think mindless consumerism and overconsumption of wasteful gifts has become a personality trait and can definitely be off-putting to those seeking genuine connection without polluting the planet
Anon
Eh, I am a fabric / crafting person and feel like a good ribbon gets reused.
Anon
Then cook a huge batch of homemade granola, package it in mason jars, and give that plus a bow to your friends. Gifting does not have to equal overconsumption.
Anon
+1. But some people will make any excuse why it cannot work.
Anonymous
I actually make zero-waste tote bags from scrap/upcycled fabric that I give as gifts. Doesn’t stop people from giving me Target cr@p in return.
PLB
This. And I agree wholeheartedly with the Anon at 10:02. No gifts. No baby showers. No birthday parties. So many sound miserable with life in general…
Anon
This is where I land. I have some groups where we exchange gifts and it’s fun. I think life is better celebrated. To make yours easier, one of my moves is DoorDashing a friend a slice of cake or bouquet of grocery store flowers. It takes a few minutes and always goes over well.
Anonymous
So agree! Not giving others gifts isn’t the moral high ground so many people want to claim.
Anonymous
We don’t want to receive your trinkets either
Anon
No gifts! That might seriously be enough to make me move, I hate needless gifts so much. A thoughtful gift from someone who knows me well is fine, but I don’t drink, have issues with scents, don’t wear jewelry, and abhor both clutter and waste, so the kind of thing you get in this situation actually makes me unhappy to receive because it just feels so wasteful. It’s either going straight into the trash (if it smells) or it forces me to waste my time finding another home for it.
Anon
I’ll add, I’m happy to celebrate to celebrate with cards, texts, calls, meals, or whatever, I just don’t want stuff!
Anonymous
I hate the emotional labor of gifts too. In situations where I’m functionally blackmailed to participate I buy a big stack of generic cards and generic candles once a year and then that’s what goes out (to be clear these are really nice soy candles, nothing synthetic or toxic). I’m a little less resentful when I have everything streamlined. Sometimes I’ll grab an extra chocolate or bottle of wine or something while doing groceries to supplement the candle.
anon for this
I’m with you, but I also think it’s a nice way to build community. And I find it touching when someone remembers my birthday, when everyone has busy lives.
I would set yourself up for success on this though: Find cards you like at the store or on Etsy and buy a dozen of them, so you always have them on hand. Go to a wine store and buy a case of wine, maybe a mixture of bottles so not everyone gets the same thing. When you’ve already done the hard part, you can enjoy the act of giving.
Anonymous
Excellent advice, I think. I’ve been reading lately about how many women struggle to find friends, and wish I had invested more in relationships with neighborhood women during those frantically busy years, some of whom might be closer than they are now. Things much less frantic in this phase of life, but I am regretting that I did not prioritize friendships more, including rituals like this that I did not love.
Anon
THIS RIGHT HERE.
Anon
I generally share your opinion but think it is worth the cost of admission to a vibrant neighborly culture. You will need one of these folks eventually, and you’ll be glad you invested the time. That being said, minimize the shit out of “the time.”
Here’s how my MIL does this as a social life queen: Once a year, just buy enough candles or little trinkets on Anthro clearance you’ll need to get through everyone’s birthdays. Keep a stack of birthday cards with them (you can buy packs on Etsy). Use bags, not wrapping paper, and save the bags others give to you. Order tissue paper in bulk off Amazon. All of this is kept in the “present closet.” You shop the “present closet” the morning of the birthday and put something good enough together.
She does usually shop individually for her children, grandchildren, and very close friends. But for what you’re describing? It’s coming from the present closet, it takes 5 minutes to throw together, and she appears to be so very nice and thoughtful.
Anon
One year, I, while pregnant with her first grandchild, got what was obviously a present closet present, and my husband and I still talk about that! So if you go the present closet route, the trick is to never tell anyone who might get a present closet present that the present closet exists. Otherwise, they’ll know that the candle and bubble bath they got for Christmas were a “oh no, I forgot her” present.
(The baby had like 30 presents that year, so chalk it up to first time grandma exuberance.)
Anonymous
My mother gives me things from the gift closet and it’s so obvious she doesn’t like me, I’d rather nothing. But she has to keep up appearances.
Anon
One of my former coworkers told everyone she had a gift closet, and then for someone’s birthday in my office, she gifted them a book and she went on and on about how she had specifically chosen the book for that person. Then when the gift recipient opened the book they saw it was inscribed to my coworker. Read the inscription out loud. Hilarious. Gift-giving coworker was offended by that but I mean come on.
So be careful with regifts!
Anon
+ a million to this. I started a ‘present closet’ in my attic once my son was born and we suddenly had a million kid birthday things. I order generic birthday cards in bulk once a year, buy tissue paper and gift bags when I have a target/CVS coupon (or load up at the Hallmark store during their sales) and keep a selection of generic gender neutral options – wine/champagne, fancy chocolates from the local store, scented hand soap/lotion plus dishtowels from Williams Sonoma, fancy candle plus nice matches, pretty coffee mugs. I also keep a stack of target and starbucks gift cards on hand for the teacher/sitter/mailman birthday or holiday gifts. It’s easy and has saved me more than a few times to just be able to pull something out and package it up in 5 minutes.
Anon
Maybe this works better if you have a son, but one year those small Lego kits went on super sale somewhere. I don’t remember where. And I bought like five of them. They were the perfect birthday gifts for the rest of the year. Elementary school age kids.
There used to be a toy store down the street from me and every Saturday morning on the early side you see lots of parents in there buying something for a birthday party and getting it gift wrapped. That was perfect when my kids were birthday party ages.
Then the store closed and knitting shop went in, but neighborhood parents were so upset that there wasn’t the easy birthday gift last minute shop anymore that the knitting shop kept a small toy section. Brilliant, if you ask me.
Anon
One tip I picked up from my mother’s generation was the concept of a gift closet. It’s just a stash of things that will make a nice small to middling gift at a moments notice. And if I find something particular to someone when it’s not the time for their gift, I can just stick a post it note on it and stash it in the gift closet until the appropriate time.
Anonymous
+1. I like finding good quality local things: locally made soap, candles, jams, etc. When I happen to see something too nice for everyday I will stock up for the gift stash.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t like this part of it, but I would gladly put up with it to have a caring community of neighbors. I would also embrace a gifting identity. I would be Susan, who always gives everyone a gift card for a manicure at the local nail salon.
Anon
Yes — support nearby businesses — bulk gift cards to Rita’s Sandwiches or Burt’s coffee shop or the ice cream shop. Even a little $5 one. Tie a ribbon on it and you are both charming and done.
If you move overseas and are told “the local culture is to do X,” I’ve always done X.
Anon
This might be my favorite idea to date. If not the manicure place I bet there is a local massage place that sells hand/foot 30 minute massages!
Anon
No gifts outside of my SO, parents, or siblings. I think if an adult wants their birthday celebrated they need to initiate it. If a friend organizes drinks or a meal I’ll happily treat them but I wait for them to say they’d like to get together. If they host a party then I bring a consumable gift and don’t agonize over personalizing it. Booze, fancy olive oil and vinegar, or flowers are good enough. After years of picking out personal gifts my primary friend group agreed we all have enough stuff and we’re officially ending the gift obligation.
Anon
My husband and my very best friend get gifts from me and they’re the only people I’d expect them from. And with my BFF, it’s only because that’s what we’ve done for decades now. I would hate having to get my neighbors gifts. Neighbors! No way!
Reader I am divorcing him
Big supporter of the miscellaneous gift drawer….
Anonymous
I subscribed to the new Hallmark+ streaming service this week, and paid a year in advance to get a discount. With the subscription, I also signed up for Crown Rewards, and then Hallmark+ gave me a five dollar coupon. On the Hallmark site, I ordered enough birthday and Christmas cards to see me through the year, which shipped for free and have already arrived! I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before, but it was so easy and I selected cards I like —I hate mean joke cards. So, one way to make this easy is to get a supply of cards to keep on hand.
FWIW, I dropped Netflix because my subscription went up 30% unless I changed to a plan with commercials, which I don’t want. I replaced it with Hallmark and Viki for less.
Anonymous
When my family moved from one neighborhood to another, we experienced something similar. We had unknowingly been thrust into an established cul-de-sac tradition to walk, knock, and gift each other in December – sometimes in more elaborate ways than we would do for our own family.
In our case, we did decide to embrace this element of our neighborly microculture, but with our own sense of practicality. We match the energy, not the gifts.
Anonanon
hah are we neighbors? there was a very long email explaining all the details…The first year I tried to make spiced pecans but THE HORRORS someone else already did pecans so that got the kibosh.
We buy little jars of fancy maple syrup every year when we go to NH in the summer and gift that. Now we’re the maple syrup people.
Anon
Oh god, this would be a nightmare for me. I like a simple acknowledgment from my very close circle, but otherwise have a lot of negative memories related to birthday celebrations and would not want the neighborhood to include me in this at all. If I were in your shoes, I would be polite and just text a quick HBD to each on their day if there is an active group chat or something, but then otherwise let it go. I reject the premise that someone giving a gift to me locks me into an ongoing social contract. They can drop me next year if they realize I don’t reciprocate.
Anon
No gifts ever for me please because I truly hate stuff and my two kids generate enough clutter as it is. For birthdays of people I’m close to, I keep a note on my phone of my friends’ coffee/tea/smoothie/morning beverage orders culled from times we’ve gone out together. I either deliver or DoorDash the day after their birthdays to extend the celebration or potentially help with a hangover.
Anonymous
Even better than a case of wine, look for local made mixers and bitters. They are smaller to store, consumable, and can be used for cocktails or fancy sodas for the non-drinkers, and let you vary and target the flavors more with 0 effort. (Oh Cindy likes tea, here’s a tea flavored one; Barb always has a pamplemousse La Croix, here’s a grapefruit flavor).
Anon
This is a lovely idea!!
Anon.
And the recipient can regift them if they don’t like it!
Of Counsel
This seems over the top to me – and I am a birthday person. But that is not really the relevant question here. This is a group that – at least at the moment – is cementing social connections through gift giving, which is a tradition as old as humanity. If you want to be in the group (and you probably do because connections to neighbors can be invaluable in the event of emergency), then go buy a case of wine and a package of wine bags [or a bunch of “nice” candles and gift bags] to cut down on the emotional labor and participate.
I live on a street like that and it is sometimes a PITA. But when a family member died and I had to suddenly leave town without time to set up a pet sitter, guess who watched my cat? When I was balanced on ladder trying to do an emergency repair, guess who sent her husband and teen son over to do it for me? I have watched these women circle around for neighbors with cancer, a single woman who broke her leg and could not drive or climb her stairs, etc. Those kinds of connections have to be nourished in advance and are reciprocal.
Anon
+1000. The mental labor of buying a case of different wines or fun gift cards to local businesses a number of times a year is a bargain compared to what you can get.
Anon
Totally! I’m actually kind of jealous- wish my block had this kind of camaraderie
eggplant
I hear you — I’m not a gift-giver either, I can’t stand clutter, and while I’m pleased when they do, I don’t really need others to acknowledge my birthday. But my partner comes from a culture where gift giving is taken incredibly seriously, and I’ve come to appreciate that for others, it’s an important way to express affection and build community. I’d probably try and find some way to participate with my neighbors, but in a way that feels true to me — maybe you give cards or send notes rather than give gifts; or drop off something edible.
Anon
I will tell you I can get this way about gifts. You give me a gift, I give you a gift, we are just changing money. I’d just rather buy my own stuff.
But then I realized the gift I send my sister at Christmas is pretty much the only gift she gets because her husband sucks at gift giving. So I realized my thoughts about us just exchanging money and shipping costs were overlooking that it was really important to her to receive one at least one really nice gift that she wanted.
I don’t know whether that’s the case with any of your neighbors, just thought I’d throw that out there. It would instinctively annoy me too, but I like the idea upthread about minimally participating by buying a case of wine and just doling those out over the course of a year.
Anonymous
My friend birthdays are very low key. This level of closeness does seem a little crazy…..
However, it sounds like you’re in a really tight neighborhood group. There can be downsides to this level of intimacy, but it’s kind of hard to get that type of community in modern times. For me, I would consider complying to keep the peace. This is why some of our mothers had a go-to gift drawer. Buy some cute things (boxes of cards, soap, candy, wine, seasonal candles, magnets, etc) and pull them out as needed. You can try to drag your husband into the planning to split the emotional labor. Maybe for guy birthdays he can pick out snacks or magnets or something.
Anon
I appreciate birthday texts from acquaintances but do not expect gifts from anyone except my husband. My BFF and I do sometimes exchange gifts but not consistently. More likely on milestone birthdays or if we find something particularly great. I would hate living on this cul de sac.
B
Buy a bunch of scented candles and take the labour out of it.
Android phone recs?
My super old Android phone is biting the dust, and I’m looking for a replacement. Looking to buy this without a phone plan.
Anybody bought a new one Android phone recently, and has recs? Need 2 SIM slots due to frequent international travel, and a great camera.
Cat
DH switched to the Google Pixel phone recently and has been very happy with it.
Cat
Oh and the camera is very good, but the photo editing stuff you get (the magic eraser) is really fun to play with. Like you want a pretty shot of an empty beach but there’s one kid who keeps zooming around and in the way? Gone.
Anonymous
Just FYI, a lot of newer phones use esim cards, so you don’t need an actual physical card. I have a Google Pixel 8 and am happy with it, but I’m not super picky.
JTM
I’m on my 3rd Pixel (Went from Pixel 2 to Pixel 4 to Pixel 7) and I absolutely love it. The clean install of Android without all the Samsung bloatware is the best.
Gail the Goldfish
your options for Android are basically Pixel or the new Galaxy. There are far fewer options than there used to be. I just got a Galaxy S24, it seems good. also, they all accept esims now, so no need for 2 slots.
anon
I have weekend plans to get together with my FWB and as luck would have it my monthly visitor has arrived. FWB and I are long distance and still quite casual, so I can’t just cancel last minute- travel plans have already been made.
I’m trying to figure out how best to tell him. Via text now? Wait till we see each other in person? I grew up in a home where this sort of thing was never discussed (my mom just left the American Girl puberty book on my desk, no discussions at all) and I’m still awkward about it.
Anon
Maybe try to catch him before he leaves? “Hey, I’m out of commission for activities, but still here to lend a hand.” That is, if you want to see him still.
Anon
The OP didn’t say she was out of commission! Lots of people have sex while on their period. I would not assume that he doesn’t want to (provided OP wants to).
Anon
Do you think he’ll care? Do you care? I mean, obviously, one option is off the table (and maybe YOU care about that), but I think most men these days are team “pull out the bad sheets, throw a towel down, and we’ll deal with any mess that happens.”
Anon
+1.
anon
OP here and I guess that’s part of my question too! I have never um, gardened, during this time. Is it common? The idea makes me a little embarrassed. I’m embarrassed just knowing I’ll have to bring it up! but again I think that’s from my own upbringing.
Cat
This depends a lot on the specific day for me- if I feel icky and bloated and crampy and it’s a heavy flow day, not remotely interested. If a light day at beginning or end, throw down a towel.
Or explore the shower!
Anon
I’m like this. Not a fun thing for me on days 1-2 but for days 3-5 it depends on having a partner who has no issue with it. Which I have.
Anon
I spent many years of my life being kind of slutty and not once have I encountered a man who shied away from period sex.
Anon
Hive five to you!
Anon
Here’s my thoughts on whether it’s embarrassing or not. If you’re with a man who is lucky enough to be invited to your garden, he’s also into the fact that you’re a woman. Women have periods. Sex is so intimate, you should be able to acknowledge that your lady parts undergo basic maintenance, and if not, is he really someone you want to be intimate with?
So if your personal feelings about intercourse on your period are no (and mine are no during heavy flow/crampy times and that’s OK) then someone you’re close enough to to be having sex with ought to be able to receive that message. If your personal feelings are that you’re fine with the murder scene on an old towel, then you should be able to express that to an intimate partner and see how he feels about it.
Anon
(Applause)
I think this applies regardless of whether the guy is a one night stand, FWB, romantic partner, or husband.
Anon
Send a link to the period sex video from Crazy Ex Girlfriend? I’m only sort of kidding…
Anonymous
Is there a reason you can’t engage in activities? It’s just a bodily fluid.
Anon NYC
I suggest gardening in the shower.
Anonymous
Try a menstrual cup.
Anon
Flex Disc.
Anon
To be clear, this is the one that goes right up near your crvx (vowels removed) and enables intercourse without mess. It also holds a LOT of fluid… I’m in my early 40s and can get some rather erratic flows, and discs are a total MVP.
Anon88
I usually say in in the moment, but if you feel awkward saying it in person because you’re embarrassed, text him beforehand. All you need to say is something like, “So I got my period, but still down for activities ;)” or whatever. Throw down a towel, shower together after, laugh about how it looks like a crime scene. Trust me, any man who wants to garden with you is not going to mind.
Anon.
There are many other activities you can still engage in that don’t involve classic P-to-V action. I find that some of those help with cramps…
Also, in case protection is an open topic, please use barrier protection especially for the classic activities. There is a slightly higher risk of STD infection when you’re doing it unprotected.
Anonymous
All these lady jackets and lady cardigans where is my tramp cardigan
Anon
Ha!
Anon
All due respect, I feel like tramp and cardigan cancel each other out.
Anon
Unless she means tramp in the old fashioned usage, like the scrappy fellow who rides in rail cars in the 1920s? I could see that fella wearing a cardigan…
Anonymous
She’s referring to the Disney animated movie, Lady & the Tramp.
Anonymous
Thanks yes yes she is
Anon
Oh no, I’ve had my trampy moments in a cardigan. Only a cardigan. ;)
Anonymous
No inspo for tramp cardigan, but the queen of the hipster rock chic cardigan is Kate Moss. She has styled some non-conservative cardis really well.
Anon
I’m in the market for a barn jacket which might be trampy lol
Anonymous
I think the flip side to lady jackets is tramp leather miniskirt. Ironically leather boots can go with both.
Perhaps you could even lady jacket on top of tramp miniskirt ala Clueless.
Anonymous
We have a black tie wedding in NYC coming up in a few weeks. Have been invited to a dinner the night before for out of town guests where the dress code is “smart casual” and specifies that for men, no ties or jackets needed. The venue is an alumni club. Outfit ideas needed! Size 10, pear. Willing to shop!
Anon
Cool jumpsuit? Something like this: https://www.nordstrom.com/sr?origin=keywordsearch&keyword=jumpsuit
Anon
I was given a lovely potted orchid plant maybe a month ago. I accidentally overwatered it and the blooms quickly fell off. The leaves are still green. Is it worth keeping or am I just killing it slowly? I understand they like to dry out and then be heavily watered, but right now, I’m just letting it hang out while trying to google.
Anon
I’d let it hang out for a while. We have one that seems to get very sick and then rises from the plant grave again and again.
Anon
What is it potted in? If it’s spaghnum, take it out of that and repot. If you don’t, you’ll rot the roots no matter how careful you are about watering. To repot, get your hands on something with good ventilation, an orchid pot, butter tub with holes melted in it, whatever. For potting medium, you can buy orchid bark at Lowes or Home Depot, or even use wine corks.
Water by running under the sink or shower once per week or as needed (more if the leaves are looking at all shrively), and let the water run through. However you pot it up, it shouldn’t hold water.
Anon
People really keep these plants? They seem to require more fussing than a cat.
Anon
Eh I repotted mine in orchid mix and lightly water it once a week with the rest of the plants, and about once a year it rewards me with blooms. I am more delighted with that accomplishment than I probably should be.
Anon
I had one that bloomed and bloomed. I never repotted it. I also neglected to water it sometimes and that was probably more help than harm. It was in a northeast corner window in my San Francisco office. Moved offices and it never bloomed again!
Anon
They require zero fussing beyond water now and then once they’re potted up so they don’t rot.
Anonymous
I have a bunch of orchids that have rebloomed several times. I just kind of benignly neglect them in a north-facing window, water maybe once or twice a month, and get really irrationally excited when they send up a new stem
Anon
They’re fancy air plants. I think where people go wrong is treating them like other houseplants; if anything they are less fussy but will be unhappy if fussed over.
Digby
If you would like to keep it, it may be salvageable. I would cut the flower stem – I think you’re supposed to cut between the spot where the lowest flower was and the node closest to that spot. This should encourage reblooming, but it may take some time. I have one orchid that reblooms very quickly, and one that likes to sit around looking like a stick for months.
Anonymous
It’s definitely worth keeping. Make sure the roots dry out – you can tell because they turn a silvery tint. Then immerse the pot in water fully for 10 minutes or so, the roots will then turn to a vibrant green color. I do this weekly and my orchids have rebloomed yearly. Keep it in indirect sunlight too.
anon
I’m not sure about your orchid, but I’ve decided orchids in general must be tougher than we give them credit for: my grandma (suffering from dementia) hid an orchid in a dresser drawer for perhaps a year so no one would steal it (again, suffering from dementia). When she passed, my mom found the orchid and returned it to the world of light and water; it has flourished ever since.
Anon
Heading to a conference in San Diego in October. Does anyone have any style tips specific to San Diego? Should I expect over-refrigerated hotel conference rooms and pack layers, as usual? Is it more or less on the casual side of business casual? I am in a midi dress era and plan to mostly pack these. Will tall boots with said midi dresses look out of place/dated? I am not presenting, just attending.
Anon
Southern California can be very warm still in October. I would definitely check the weather before you pack your tall boots, because IMO they will look out of place in 70+ degree weather.
Anonymous
San Diego is funny. It’ll be warm middle of the day, and there’s always a chance of a heat wave. It cools off in the evenings (high 50s to 60s, so we’re weak). Layer it up! If your industry is very formal, lean formal. Otherwise everyone locally is business casual.
Tall boots with midi dresses sound cute, but the boots may be hot. Really just depends on the weather.
ALT
Tall boots with midi dresses is a very current look right now.
Anon
I love that look. I was a kid in the 70s. My mom and some of her friends rocked it and it really imprinted on me.
Anon
As a Californian I think it might be a bit too fall looking for October, when we can have heat spells and “Indian summer”
Anon
I cannot imagine packing tall boots regardless of the weather. Can you go with a lower profile shoe or bootie?
Anon
FWIW, they’re easy to pack, the shaft folds over and lies flat, they’re not really bigger than a regular shoe.
anon
Work conference? I would veer towards ankle pants, loafers/sneakers, and then judge if you need a third piece. Vibe is a specific type of casual – more quiet luxury/ smart casual – that is still not what you would wear on the weekend. Very anti ruffle puff.
SMC - San Diego
San Diego seasons do not track the majority of the US. May and June tend to be cool and overcast. Summer can last well into October. Definitely check the forecast because it might be in the 80s. Tall boots will not look dated per se (San Diego is not the most fashion forward of cities) but it is likely to be too warm for them. Also be aware that like most cities along the Pacific, there can be a 10+ degree difference between the coast and inland so check the weather in the specific place you are located.
Generally California gets ore casual the further south you go. San Francisco is more formal than LA and LA is more formal than San Diego. Midi dresses are very popular right now but I would suggest a pair of Mary Janes instead of boots. And definitely layers, both for hotel conference rooms and because that time of year temperatures can vary a lot from morning to afternoon. Final note: Bring lip balm and hand cream because that is Santa Ana season (dry winds off the desert).
I hope you enjoy your stay!
Anon
Tall boots are the opposite of dated, they’re very very in right now.
Anonymous
if a good friend was considering naming her baby boy something that is commonly used as a dog’s name/is a noun and not a traditional name, would you say anything or just back off?
Anon
Has she asked your opinion about the name? If she has not, I would not say anything. She clearly knows that the name is a noun and that is not a traditional name, but she still likes it.
If she has asked your opinion, I think you could say that it is not necessarily your favorite name and that you’ve often heard it used as a dog name.
Anon
I don’t think you should comment on the name, even when asked for an opinion, unless this is a VERY close friend. I have witnessed these situations. Baby names are so fraught, and people like what they like. Any request for opinion is typically a request for validation.
Anon
This is my comment and I had a sentence in there about how the page is loading slowly. Interesting that was deleted by management. I’ve never had a comment edited before.
Cat
FWIW, it has been loading super slowly yesterday and today for me too, like 10+ seconds.
On the name thing, I would give it a wide berth.
Anon
It’s more like 25+ seconds for me.
Anon
yup, so slow I leave and do other things and come back when it is loaded.
Anon
Also having page loading issues since yesterday.
The only dedicated dog names I can think of are Fido, Snoopy, Goofy, Scooby, etc. Something like that I would just start texting memes asking how the [Snoopy GIF] check up went, etc.
Anon
Rover, Digger, and Trouble?
Anon
Is it Spike? Please tell me it’s Spike.
Don’t say anything. She knows it’s out there. She doesn’t care.
Anon
I really hope it is Spike and yes, this page is loading incredibly slowly.
Sunflower
The Spike in my law school class ended up being a judge.
ALT
The only names I can think of are things like Biscuit, Honey, Oreo or Boots and while those are cute, appropriate dog names I would side eye a human named Boots.
But also who cares. I live in the south and know grown adults who go by names like Kitty or Pringle so Boots wouldn’t be a stretch too far.
Anon
My name is legally Katherine but I have always gone by Kitty. It’s not as common now, but has always been a nickname for Katherine (Kitty Bennett, Kitty Foreman).
Anon
I love that so much.
Anonymous
My grandmother, who has a lovely, very traditional first name, went by Boots to everyone since she was old enough to keep her boots by the back door after tending to her chickens. I love the nickname so much, because she was a wonderful delight of a person. Still wouldn’t give it as a legal first name, though.
Anon
In today’s age? You just keep your mouth shut.
I had one friend give their son one of those names that was a man’s name 100 years ago but has long since transitioned to a woman’s name. We’ve lost touched and he’s probably middle school by now – hope it’s going ok, “Boy named Sue!” (Johnny Cash, for those not familiar)
Another friend gave her son a noun for a name that doesn’t even register on the SSA list. Luckily, it’s a common noun, so it’s not hard to spell, but it’s definitely more in line with Moon Unit than anything you’d find in a baby name book.
Anon
I’m imagining a male Stacey or Ashley, and a name that is something like one of the Palin kid names (Track, Piper, etc).
Anon
Yes, definitely in the vein of both of those!
Anon
Courtney?!
Anon
Then no, keep your mouth shut. You honestly don’t sound like a very good friend.
Anonymous
I used to know an Ash — it had been a family name. I think he pulled it off.
Anon
Ashley is traditionally a male name.
Anon
If an opinion was solicited, I would give it, and if one wasn’t, I wouldn’t.
Anon
I think the only time you speak up is if they’re going to name the baby something like Gonorrhea and they don’t know what it means. What’s the name? I imagine something like Bear, which I dislike but wouldn’t find shocking as a name.
Anon
True story: one of fellow college students was named Gonorrhea (pronounced “gonna-ray”). Wild times.
anon
Someone I knew in college had an older sister named Candida. Seems like the parents had only recently found out what that means, which is so odd to me (but I guess means they had lived a life blessed by the absence of yeast infections!)
Anon
The name Candida long, long predates the naming of candida albicans, so it seems unfair to let the infection take over, but I see your point.
Anon
This is a tough one. The chances of you changing her mind are low, and starting a fight, high. So that leans me towards saying to back off.
The problem is that the baby will not always be a baby, and will have to put this name in the top of a resume someday. Fairly or not, people do get judged on the names their parents give them, and wise parents will adjust for this. Spike can be the nickname and the kid can legally be Anthony or Jackson. Is she thinking beyond the next few years?
Important question: what does her husband think of the name?
Anon
You still don’t say anything because it’s not your child.
Anonymous
I’m a millenial, and I know at least 5 people who have had to change their names because their parents seemingly didn’t realize naming a human is not the same as naming a pet. Sure it’s ‘your’ kid, but it’s also going to be an autonomous human one day.
Anon
Sure, but the person naming the child knows how the name is usually used. Nothing good can come of saying anything other than, “Wow! Can’t wait to meet him/her/the baby!”
Anon
It sounds like there’s a solution then (the kid grows up and changes their name if they want to). Not everyone with unusual names makes this choice though!
Anon
Agree, Anonymous at 12:14. My parents gave me a weird name that I hate, then guilted me about the fact that I wanted to change it. (I wish I had.)
(Formerly) 3L
unless it’s Fido or Rover or Biscuit I would keep my mouth shut. And even then…..
Anonymous
I think the only time you’d speak up was if you knew your friend to be genuinely clueless. I have a good friend who simply gets something in her mind and runs with it and doesn’t see the implication it might have or understand associations others might make. She just . . . .doesn’t. And then usually, at some point, wakes up and realizes. With her, I’d raise the question.
Anon
Not a word. Not a comment, not a sideways glance, not an eyeroll. This is not your call and your opinion does not count here.
Anon
Agree. This is kind of a “how do I tell my friend she’s fat?” question. Keep your mouth shut. Your fat friend knows she’s fat, and the baby namers know it’s a dog name.
Anonymous
i wouldn’t say anything. it might be a family name or nickname. but if she had both a weird first AND middle name i might try to say something… i think that’s the tradeoff with weird names, you have to give the kid an option for a normal middle name.
Clementine
FWIW – my kids have had names in their classes/activities including a few names that might fall into this category… Axel, Rex, Achille, Hunter… all v normal in my area.
Gigi
I got a Huxley in mine
Anon
None of those are like Rover or Fido
Anon
Omfg no you don’t say anything.
Anonymous
l think that’s the trend for baby boys these days. Just pray that she chooses a decent middle name so he can choose to go by that as an adult because he doesn’t want to be called “Bear” or “Truck” or whatever.
Anon
Is it Rover or Fido? I need to know. Spot?
B
Rover?
anon for this
Has anyone bought or sold a house in the last few months with the new realtor commission rules? We are hoping to buy in the next 6-8 months and finding it extremely confusing. A listing agent wouldn’t show us a home without our own agent, which I thought was no longer acceptable. Our trusted agent is insisting on 3% commission that we would owe her as a buyer, regardless of any seller concessions, which seems high considering that the last two houses we’ve bought we’ve both identified the house and taken the lead on negotiations. We are in a hot area where houses go under contract within a week so we don’t want to be short-sighted, but giving someone 40-50K for a few days’ worth of work feels like A LOT. I recognize that the answer is probably to fire our agent at least for the buying piece, and go with Redfin or another low-cost option, but that’s also tough to wrap my mind around since we have a relationship with our existing agent.
Anon
The real estate comp model never changed to account for online listings, and I think people will have Feelings about it now that it’s so transparent. For situations where an agent is active with, say, newcomers, showing them areas, etc, then the commission rate model makes sense. But for deals like you describe, it’s crazy.
I wouldn’t see the harm in calling another brokerage, just to see what your options might be.
Anon
I haven’t, but I think the answer is actually play by the new rules and pay your agent. I am one of the rare birds here that thinks agents actually do more than a few days of work and a good one is worth it. And you were always paying the fee before, it was just structured differently.
Anon
I’m not so sure that’s the case with a buyer’s agent though, particularly in this situation. The purpose of the new rules is to foster price competition. Your current buyer’s agent hasn’t got the message and is refusing to compromise on price. If you can get the same service elsewhere for a materially lower price, you should do so.
anon for this
I guess I am thinking about two different transactions here. If we sell our home, then I do think the agent does a lot more to help it get market-ready, arrange staging and photos, source buyers, help with negotiations, etc. And 2.5-3% for a sale seems reasonable (for a 1-1.2M home). I’m more concerned on the buyer side, where there’s a standard sales contract in my area and it really is just a few hours of work (drawing up the offer, advising on competitive terms, maybe attending the inspection). I appreciate that the court case is trying to push for more transparency but things are so early it’s really hard as a consumer to figure all of this out.
Anon
I am not selling my Bay Area home right now. But when the time comes I will have a hard time believing any realtors are worth 6 figures. Even the realtor I have remained friends with since selling our old home buying the current one.
Anonymous
Ugh I hate real estate agents they’re useless and overpaid. When buying a house I found the properties I wanted to look at myself and relied on my dad for technical expertise (he’s a developer).
Anon
Well, you are not the norm and are very lucky to have your Dad.
Anonymous
I am very much the norm everyone I know who bought a house recently found their own house online. I was so bitter that my agent got 5 figures for literally nothing. They’re leeches
anonshmanon
I very much tried to get more from our buyer’s agent. Asked questions about building/engineering, about local ordinances, about bidding strategies, she ALWAYS hedged and said we should consult an expert. She suggested 1 of the nearly 30 houses we looked at (and the location was absolutely wrong for us, we never even got out of the car). Kept steering us to spend more.
The only value that she provided was to explain basics about the contract language to us first time buyers, and that she was responsive and well organized to go through with the closing in a timely manner. And she was nice.
OP, don’t feel bad about going with the cheaper option.
Anon
I’m sure there are some good ones out there who actually do help their clients, but I hear you.
Our buyer’s agent was an annoyance at best. He refused to pay attention to the location, size, and price, requirements we gave him. We found our current house on our own simply by driving past it after visiting yet another of his bad suggestions. He came highly recommended and his firm is a big name in our area, but he wouldn’t even suggest us listings from other realtors until we flat out told him we would not be looking at another of his firm’s listings. It still irritates me that he got paid for his involvement in that whole process when he dragged it out far longer than it should have taken and we did all of the legwork and closing work ourselves.
Nora
Just for some contrast I bought an apartment shortly before the new rule came in place and my agent was extremely helpful. He found and showed me the properties, and even for ones I’d seen online he talked to the selling agent and figured out times. He connected me to a housing lawyer, inspector, etc. Actually went and gave the docs to the property management company etc. Gave me a lot of good advice.
I didn’t pay him directly and don’t know exactly what the seller paid him
Anon
3% of the selling price to the buyer’s agent and 3% to the seller’s agent is traditional across the country. Some local markets differ by a percent, but 6% is very common.
anon for this
It was common before the court settlement because they were price fixing!
Laura
You can always request that the agent take a lower commission, especially if they would be the agent for both buying the new house and selling your current one. Even if you only use them for one transaction, it’s worth trying to negotiate if you feel like you’re doing a substantial amount of work. If the agent won’t budge, I’m sure you can find someone who’ll accept a lower commission, though you’ll still have to vet their skills/capabilities.
Anon
How does this work, practically speaking? Does one now have to have cash to pay the buyers agent fee? Are banks willing to roll that into the mortgage?
Anonymous
In my local market, very little has actually changed because sellers must effectively include the traditional 3% buyer’s agent commission as part of the marketing package or buyers won’t even consider the property. Buyers are not paying their agents outright unless they select a property that doesn’t include that incentive for their agent – and very few people are doing that.
Anon
+1 in my small mostly LCOL market (although some areas are still super hot and homes go same day). I am paying 5% on my listing, using a same brokerage buyer and listing agent bc it’s easy and I am busy and just want it all done asap, and while I said I would pay my buyer’s agent if the seller didn’t, seller’s here still have to in order to get people in. You have to sign a buyer’s agent listing agreement before you can get into any properties here now.
I am busy AF and I don’t want to deal with filling out paperwork (even though I could – former agent and current business lawyer/contracts person), scheduling showings, finding a lender, finding a home inspector or anyone else. I don’t care if doing research saves me a few hundred or a thousand dollars. I want to be spoon fed and these agents from a huge real business brokerage are doing it and it’s worth every penny to me.
Digby
If you would like to keep it, it may be salvageable. I would cut the flower stem – I think you’re supposed to cut between the spot where the lowest flower was and the node closest to that spot. This should encourage reblooming, but it may take some time. I have one orchid that reblooms very quickly, and one that likes to sit around looking like a stick for months.
(Formerly) 3L
First day in Biglaw is monday! Any tips/tricks/keys to success?
Anon
Honestly, first sort out how to consistently get your billing done in a timely fashion that passes client muster and does not make you crazy. And then when you do, please come back here and report on your strategy, because some of us are seven years in and still haven’t quite figured it out and are now too busy to try something new!
(More importantly, good luck!!! You’re going to do great!)
Anon
Pay off whatever student loans you might have first. When your student loans are paid off, keep living as if you’re still paying them and save that money.
Avoid “golden handcuffs.” Someday the lifestyle will become too much of a grind and you’ll want to look for another job. But almost nothing pays as much as Biglaw and you won’t be able to afford to take another job if you have fixed luxury expenses like a fancy car, the penthouse condo, etc.
Save as much as you can for retirement now. The compounding power of money is incredible and the stock market is going gangbusters right now. You can ease off retirement saving later if you need to once you have kids and a mortgage, but right now while you’re young, put in as much as you can/the limits allow.
Anon
Strong co-sign on this. The best thing I did was give myself the freedom to leave. Plus, I was able to give myself longer “paid” maternity leaves than my in-house job otherwise would’ve provided, because I could just dip into the pile of cash from big law.
The best thing you can buy is freedom in your future.
(Formerly) 3L
This is helpful thanks! Re retirement and general savings: Do you recommend just maxing out 401 and doing a HYSE for other savings or is there a better strategy? Never had the money to seriously save beyond basic IRA contributions in my pre-law school career
Anon
Max 401k should be your basic goal. Beyond that, kill your student loans as fast as you can (if memory serves, I put about $10k/month to mine + all of my bonuses). Once that’s done, put your former student loan payment (and bonuses) into a brokerage account at Vanguard. Recommend looking at the Boglehead forums to see if their portfolio strategies make sense to you. Also found White Coat Investor to be a helpful forum.
Anon
I grew up not rich and had huge loans that felt soul-crushing to me because I’d seen family go through financial/health crises. I was significantly more intense than anyone I knew and don’t want the $10k number to scare you. (I also think I didn’t actually get up to $10k a month until I was maybe a third year — I think it was more like $6-8K a month for years 1 and 2). But I do think maximizing the pay down of your loans in a way that fits well with your own relationship with money and your own preferred lifestyle is a good move.
Anonymous
This is super depressing. I am 15 years out of law school and my total take-home pay doing public interest work is much less than $10K per month. There needs to be a revolution in the biglaw compensation model because no kid straight out of law school is worth that much money.
Anon
Hard disagree. I billed 2300+ hours a year (peaked at 2700 one hellacious year with trials). That’s only billables. That’s like $60 an hour at the rate I was making as a first year. I was worth that much. Hell, I was worth double that.
Find clients who can pay what you are worth, or accept that you are discounting what you’re worth because you think there is nobility in doing so. Good for you for being willing to do so! But don’t cut other women down to make yourself feel better.
Cat
-The business part of your job – when you get an assignment, ask about billable expectations (like it’s a research thing for a case? should you spend no more than X hours looking?). Bill your time promptly and be clear in your description of what you did. “Research for Jones matter” or “Research topics x, y, and z for Jones matter” are very different when the in-house client is reading your bills. And we read every entry!
-Don’t be afraid to follow up for more information based on your initial work, but try to batch questions so you’re not constantly interrupting
-If you’re slow, ask if you can listen in on things as non-billable training time (easiest in person as you can just sit silently in someone’s office without being announced, rather than someone having to explain to a client why Junior is dialed in)
-Your primary assets right now are availability, responsiveness, and attention to detail. More senior folks can get away with some sloppy mistakes because they’ve proven their worth on the substance.
-I will sound like an Old here, but there is real benefit to being physically present for training like this. The 5 mins the people in person spend debriefing after the call ends (that maybe they wouldn’t bother throwing a debrief call on the calendar for) are almost more valuable than whatever the actual call was about. So if your office is hybrid optional, do your best to show up when others do.
Cat
oh and big picture, I co-sign Anon at 11:11’s advice. I treated Biglaw like a football career – lucrative but did not expect it to be a long term career. Paid off the loans, socked away a nest egg, didn’t splash out on a huge mortgage or designer cars and bags and vacations, and then went in-house.
anon
put your phone in your bag. wear your hair back if you are likely to play with it. errr to being over dressed the first few days. be the most friendly and polite version of yourself (make eye contact,smile at people).
Biglaw counsel
The qualities I seek out in junior associates are enthusiasm, communication, organization, and of course quality work.
When someone sends you an assignment, reply so we know you are on it. Then track all deadlines yourself, send updates as needed, and let me know when you are done. I should not send out a simple assignment (like update this tracker chart), hear nothing, and check in weeks later to learn it hasn’t been completed yet.
Senior associates are looking for junior associates to take ownership and take things off our plates, not to be constantly following up to ensure you completed your work. That creates more work for us, not less. I know it sounds obvious, but it happens far more than I expected.
Set up an organization system that works for you and follow it: Outlook reminders for deadlines/follow ups, Outlook flags, a to do list, whatever it is. Organize your emails and learn the filing software and use it. Much of the value that junior associates bring to the table is knowing the facts, knowing the case file, and knowing where to find the documents. You may think you will just remember everything but some cases go on for years. Organization is key.
It is ok to ask questions! In fact, I love it when junior associates ask questions. It shows they are actively engaging in and thinking about the issues. That is how you will learn.
I agree on avoiding lifestyle creep. Don’t feel pressure to live up to the spashy lifestyle some of your fellow associates may have. I still don’t own a house, I don’t own a car, I take public transportation, and I don’t go to the trendy new restaurant. It’s fine.
anon
Did anyone see the news this morning about the former NYC covid official who was found to have been having sex parties during the height of covid? My question is, who are all these people in the world having sex parties?! Call me sheltered or naive but its so hard for me to imagine that this kind of stuff is so commonplace. I mean, the guy running for NC governor, that story doesn’t surprise me bc I have no doubt people engage in all sorts of terrible (and perfectly not terrible!) stuff online or at home, but a party is pretty public, even if its invite only or whatever. Idk, this is not a serious question obviously, just thinking out loud! :)
Anonymous
Have you seen the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives? Add that to the collection.
Anonymous
I used to be a promo girl in college (you know dress up in a ‘professional’ outfit that really isn’t and hawk whatever product at some conference). We used the get invites to wild things, I never went but the girls who did made a lot of money for selling their souls and keeping quietish.
Anon
Also Olivia Nuzzi and RFK jr! I feel like I learned way too much about a lot of people’s sex lives in this morning’s news. Somehow the completely appalling NC lt governor was the least objectionable, as at least his actions seem to have been contained to anonymous posts on a porn website.
Anonymous
Who wants to be the mistress of RFK Jr? All I can see is Connor Roy from Succession looking at him.
Anon
All of these people have so much more energy and time than me.
Anon
Right? My libido goes into hibernation mode just hearing the headlines.
Anon NYC
I have no problem with s3x parties. I knew a few people who attended. My only issue is with people attending during covid and risking spreading it to others! Parties, polyamory, open marriages, etc all way more common than you would think. People just don’t go around talking about it that often.
anon
Yeah, I don’t have a problem with any of it either, I just find it so hard to believe its so common. I mean, I guess I’m obviously wrong, but its still so weird that its true!
Anonymous
It’s fine if it’s consenting parties, but it’s often not. The young women at these parties are not there by choice.
anon
Yeah, take a look at this parties and who is really “attending”….
Anon
I dated a guy who went to sex parties. No, I did not have sex with him. But I was madly curious about it all so I dated him long enough to ask all my questions. I would say on his part it was a sex addiction, it destroyed his marriage, and even though he was trying to do “normal dating,” ultimately he went back to it. Anyway, no shortage of urban and suburban sex parties for him to pop into. There’s a thriving online community.
Anon
During an internship a long time ago I ended up becoming quite close with my boss and his wife (long story about why, but they did nothing inappropriate) and ended up hearing a lot of gossip about their friends and neighbors. Their affluent southern suburban neighborhood of mostly 40-something married parents had regular neighborhood sex parties and lots of swinging couples including three on their cul-de-sac who vacationed together and swapped partners on the vacations. During that summer the drama all came to a head in a very spectacular way that made the local news. I’m a very sheltered, vanilla person and have never heard about anything like this before or since, but yes there are communities where people go to sex parties and it’s not just single Gen Zers.
anon
The Fold is having a sale and I’m debating whether I should buy this dress that I have been admiring for a while. Anyone want to talk me into or out of it?
https://thefoldlondon.com/product/lucia-dress-multicolour-silk-satin/?glCountry=US&setCurrencyId=2&gad_source=5&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImv2knaPOiAMVRYamBB2G6yTEEAEYASABEgIakPD_BwE
Anon
Upside: it’s beautiful and unique.
Downside: I think it would accentuate the stomach area.
Anon
I love it! If you can afford it and will wear it, I say go for it. Check on the return policy just in case it doesn’t fit the way you want it to.
Anon
I think it could be lovely but their sale pieces are usually final sale. Unless you know how their clothing usually fits I wouldn’t chance it.
Anonymous
Do you know when you’d wear it, or is it more of an I love this dress situation?
Do you actually dry clean clothes? I often ignore dry clean only labels, but with this one, I would be afraid that the yellow panel would be miscolored by bleeding from the burgundy or navy if you tried to hand wash it. If you do dry clean – no problem! If you tend to never wear dry clean only clothes because of the faff, keep admiring it form afar?
Anon
Have you heard of synthrapol? It solves your intense color bleeding handwashing conundrum. You can handwash red items with whites and it keeps any loose dye from reattaching to the fabric.
Anonymous
I dye stuff as a hobby and I have accidentally become an evangelical for synthrapol (and other similar products). I have even given a few people little jars of it to try out.
anon OP
re: return policy- it says that stuff marked “outlet” is final sale, and stuff that’s on sale is 7 day returns rather than 14 days. I assume a promotion (e.g., midseason sale) should be returnable and not “outlet” right? They’re closed so I can’t ask until Monday.
AnonATX
As I mentioned earlier this week, a friend just returned a suit to The Fold from the U.S. and the shipping cost was $40!