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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 236 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Sweetheart Neckline Jersey Skater Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. New Look Tall Sweetheart Neckline Jersey Skater DressThere are some crazy sales happening over at ASOS, ladies. Tons of lucky sizes and tons of, well, casual and uber trendy stuff — but there is some serious gold in there. For example: I like this sweetheart skater dress, which I've seen much higher versions of, for much more money. Is it a dress I'd wear to a meeting with a VIP? No, probably not. But I'd wear it as a layering piece with tights, possibly with a silky blouse beneath and a shrunken blazer on top. The dress was $24.62, but is now marked to $14.21 (available in both black and fuchsia). New Look Tall Sweetheart Neckline Jersey Skater Dress Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. January

    I’d wear that to a party. And for that price, if I spilled wine all over myself at that party, I wouldn’t worry about cleaning it. :)

        • mmm

          I really like it, and I think Kat’s styling suggestion is very clever. That would allow it to be both casual and businessy, making it worth every penny of the cheap price.

          • Anon

            Y’all: it is made of cotton knit. Cotton knit over tights would be cling city. So you’d need bare legs to pull this off (but it’s winter).

            I think it is some sort of nightie.

          • anonymama

            That’s what slips are for. Slips are especially good under cheaper, thinner jersey dresses, they prevent cling and make the fabric drape a little more nicely.

          • Anonymous

            This looks like the dress I wear as pajamas, and I don’t even feel comfortable going outside to let the dog out in it (even with a sweatshirt on top!). Just say no to this in the workplace, and while I’m Nancy Reaganing, let’s also say no to blouses under dresses. It’s schoolgirlish.

      • Anon

        Me too. I lost my virginity and got pregnant one boozy nite in 1996 wearing a dress like this. I should have worn a Danskin, but I’m sending my daughter to college with better instructions than I had!

        • Dulcinea

          Glad it worked out but damn I am having a hard time processing that someone born in 1996 is old enough to go to COLLEGE now. Wtf, where does the time go???

          • hoola hoopa

            Agreed. My initial mental calculations was that her daughter would be, like, 10.

            How was ’96 so long ago?

    • anon

      This dress is work appropriate if and only if you are a hostess at Chili’s.

  2. lawsuited

    I recently made my first ASOS order (5 dresses) and had high hopes, but the quality in terms of fabric and construction was just not there (although I ordered across 3 of their different brands). I had to return everything, and returns from Canada are hell.

    I’m wearing an outfit today quite different from what I’d usually wear to work, I think because I knew there wouldn’t be many people in the office and holidays are approaching. I’m wearing flat cognac boots, thick black tights and a black silk tunic/shirtdress (as in, it’s a tunic for some but as I am short it’s a shirtdress on me) – inappropriate?

    • LawyrChk

      As long as your tights are opaque and your office is business casual, this outfit sounds fine to me (and super cute. and warm!).

      • lawsuited

        The tights are completely opaque, more like leggings I suppose. I feel like I don’t even know what business casual is supposed to look like anymore, but we’re certainly not business formal or anything close to it – the only person who routinely wears a suit to work is me!

    • Miss Behaved

      Hah. I’m wearing an outfit that’s a little too matchy-matchy for a regular day, but I think it’s okay on this quiet pre-xmas day. Super cute red and navy blue pencil skirt – red polka dots on blue background for 3/4 of skirt and then blue stripes on red background at the hem ($27 + free shipping in The Limited sale Kat mentioned last week) – plus navy blue tee and red cashmere cardigan with black tights and black shoes.

      Link to skirt: http://www.thelimited.com/product/mixed-print-pencil-skirt/7324598.html

    • TO Lawyer

      I’m probably (definitely) am wearing an inappropriate outfit – a long sweater and leggings but I’m sitting at my desk all day drafting and I wanted to be comfortable. Plus there’s barely anyone in today. So basically I think you can wear what you want today as long as you made it into the office (and have no meetings etc.)

    • Anonymous

      We all had the same idea! I am wearing a short wool skirt in a winter white, black tights, black loafers and a turtleneck sweater. The skirt would normally not be a work skirt, but I went for it today.

    • ac

      I’m wearing jeans on a day that is not an official-jeans-day … scandal! :) I think all of your outfits sound very cute & work-before-a-holiday appropriate.

      • Marie

        Me too! No one is here and I am wearing jeans and Ugg duck boots with a pale green tee-shirt and tan cable knit sweater. It is the MOST comfortable and I am quite gleeful.

      • Burgher

        Me three… jeans, boots, tshirt & an open front cardigan. I’m also 8 months pregnant, so I think I can get away with just about anything on a day when there’s almost nobody here, and I’m just at my desk working on estimates.

      • Parfait

        Me four. Jeans, tee, cropped cardigan and a looong necklace.

        This office used to be a lot more on the business end of business casual. We used to get emails before holiday weeks “Casual dress all week next week!” But I think they’ve given up. It’s casual dress all the time. Only like 3 of the managers bother to dress better.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Add me to the not appropriately dressed club. Today is our Christmas party though and everyone is dressed down a bit even though it wasn’t made an official dress down day. I’m way overdo for laundry and my usual go to work stuff is dirty. I’m wearing Loft Ponte Pants that are super skinny and are way more like leggings than pants. I have a long green cowl neck sweater over them that covers my butt and knee high boots. The pants just feel scandalous because more of my thighs are showing than I would show in a dress and the pants are tight enough that not much is left to the imagination. The sweater is long but not long enough to be a full on dress.

  3. Marie

    This is super cute!

    immediate TJ: I’m considering getting a JetBlue AmEx credit card. Does anyone else have one of these? JetBlue has direct flights from my city to the cities I travel to most, and it’s my favorite airline. It just seems like compared to other airline credit cards (Delta, US Airways) the JetBlue card doesn’t have as many perks – you don’t get early boarding, you only get 20,000 points for signing up (unlike 50k for Delta and 40k for US Airways), no access to a fancy lounge, JetBlue doesn’t fly to as many cities as other airlines… Is it worth it? What would be a downside? I think the annual fee is 40 after the first year. I only have one other credit card right now and it’s fine but I want to get a card with better rewards to use as my primary card. I pay off the balance every month.

    • LawyrChk

      Full disclosure: I’ve got a Delta card. That said, the airline cards aren’t really of much value unless you are traveling a lot and need free bags (I assume JetBlue still gives you that). Part of this is that you really get what you pay for – most cards have annual fees in the $200+ range – and unless you fly a lot, it’s hard to make that back in benefits and by getting points/miles instead of cash back.

      All that said, I’m all in favor of getting an AmEx generally. Their customer service and purchase protection is top notch.

      • Meg March

        Jet Blue just announced that starting next year, they’re going to start charging for checked bags. Maybe find out if the card will give you that? (They might not know yet, since it was just announced like a month ago and it hasn’t rolled out yet)

    • Anon

      I want to follow this thread. I’ve done the Capital One card and U.S. Air (but not sure re continuing as the buddy pass — 2 comapnions for $100 per ticket per year may be a casualty of the merger). I want to be a Jet Blue flyer, but they are not big in my area.

      • Marie

        I was thinking of doing the US Airways card because they also fly from my city, but I’ve just… never had a good experience flying with them. What’s the Capital One card?

      • Anon

        I will probably keep U.S. Air for the free checked bag (for family travel) and for the lounge passes (when I travel alone for work).

    • rosie

      I’m not an expert on travel CCs. But with cards generally, I would look at where you spend the most money, and how you are likely to use rewards. On the first point, if you spend a lot of money on JetBlue flights, it makes sense to get a card that will give you more rewards on those purchases. If you spent a lot of money on groceries, you could find a card that had max rewards for groceries, etc. On the second point, are you going to take the time to figure out how to redeem whatever rewards you do get? For me, it’s easiest to have a card where I don’t have to do anything to get the rewards; whenever I hit $100 in cash back (and I get it in dollars, not in points/miles/etc.), it just gets credited on my statement automatically.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I got a Citi Sapphire preferred this year. The fee is waived for the first year. You get a 40,000 point (might be more) point bonus for spending $3k in the first 3 months. You get another 5,000 point bonus when you add an authorized user. When you use the points to book travel through them, your points are worth 25% more. You can also transfer the points to select airline mileage clubs for status/perks/upgrades that way. We have been very happy with it so far and have earned enough points for free flights far faster than with an airline card. We haven’t yet redeemed but will be doing so in the next month so I can report back on how that process went. If it sucks, we can always redeem for cash and buy travel separate but I want the 25% point bonus.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Just a note, it’s Chase not Citi. You get double points on travel and dining purchases. I have a few cards including this one. It’s awesome if you get this one and the no annual fee Chase Freedom card. You can combine your points and the Freedom card gives you 5x points (or 5% cash back) on rotating categories. This quarter it’s Amazon, Zappos, and department stores. Next quarter includes grocery stores.

        I don’t know much about the Jet Blue card. If you fly them the most and the perks work for you then go for it. I have a United card, which is one of the only airlines that flys to my hometown. It works for me because as long as I take 2 round trips or 1 round trip with someone else, the free checked bags cover the annual fee. I really really really like priority boarding too. It also comes with 2 lounge passes a year, which I like. It’s all about which airline product you are going to use and get the value out of.

    • Calico

      If you’re still reading this. I have the Jet Blue Amex card and wouldn’t recommend it. There are so few perks compared to other cards. Jet Blue flights are always much more expensive than other carriers and I’ve stopped flying them as much. I never use the card anymore, resent the $40 annual fee, but won’t close it due to my credit score.

  4. AttiredAttorney

    An early threadjack: I graduated from law school last week and have begun preparing for the February bar. I went to law school part-time in the evenings while working full-time in a legally related job. I’ll be taking one day off each week to study and three weeks off before the exam itself. I’m doing barbri in the evenings and my off day, but I would love tips from others who took the bar for the first time while working. Other than outsourcing everything (food prep, cleaning, etc) what else did you do to help yourself succeed?

    • Ellen

      Yay for you!

      The most important thing for you to do is to study every day b/c it gets more like a TITLE WAVE if you do NOT study or keep up. Dad made me study every day b/c I went to class, but then wanted to relax, but he said NOT, he did NOT want his daughter to fail and he knew guys who’s sons failed the bar b/c they were out with women. I saw that men takeing the bar course with me wanted to take me out to drink, but I said NOT. I would not want to get drunk with these loosers and fail the bar. My girlfreind in DC spent alot of time with men and she did NOT pass the bar. FOOEY on that. Study and you will be fine. YAY!

      • Sammie

        Silly as she sounds, Ellen strikes me as a sensible woman who’s been able to circumnavigate her way through the legal thickets that young urban professionals must in order to reach the success they crave. Thank you Ellen for providing daily amusement to us in this otherwise impersonal and uncaring world!

    • Shayla

      I wasn’t working, I was taking care of my newborn, so similar but different circumstances. I took Kaplan, and I think I remember the essay practice is different. But, I fully recommend practicing essays as early as you can. You don’t need to “know” the law to practice, in fact, it’s better if you don’t. You are guaranteed to have an essay question you don’t know the law to. You need to practice making it up and moving on. I think Kaplan had a black letter law flashcard app, and I’m sure BarBri does too. I used that a ton during my commutes (or late night feedings).

      The only other advice is to stay calm, it’s a marathon, not a race. And, always choose sleep.

    • kellyandthen

      I took one of my bars while I was clerking, and it was definitely do able, though a challenge. I don’t know what your home life looks like, so YMMV. I would do practice essays and questions on my lunch break, and when I got home, I’d say hello to the husband, change, and then retreat to the guest room for 2 hours. We’d eat a super simple dinner that I prepared/ordered (it was my one outlet, so I didn’t always outsource), then I’d go back to studying until about 10:30 or 11. All afternoon Saturday and almost all day Sunday, I studied. I think I took the day before the exam off, but I was not in a position to take a ton of time anyway (clerking without any fellow clerks, as it were).

      It’s two months. It sucks. But, if you keep telling yourself that it’s only two months and you have the end in sight, you’ll be fine.

    • L in DC

      I did exactly the same thing as you — went to law school at night while working full-time as a paralegal, graduated in 3.5 years and continued working full-time while studying for the February bar. I took evening bar review classes that were a combination of in-person lectures, timed practice exams and question review. I only took the week off before the exam, so I had relatively limited time to study. The key was to spend ALL of my study time doing practice questions and then reviewing the answers. I literally did almost no substantive “studying” outside of the context of doing exam questions. For example, I would attend the bar review class lecture on Contracts, then start doing practice questions, and I would make flashcards as I was debriefing my practice questions so that I had a sense of how the concept could present in a real exam question (this way you’ll also associate the concept with the actual exam questions in which you’ve seen it pop up). As time went on, I would carry around my flashcards and review them when I was standing in line, on the train, etc., but I put the vast majority of my time into exam questions. Most people spend too much time reviewing and outlining the material which is not nearly as helpful and doesn’t use the same parts of your brain as the actual process of answering questions. You’ll also need the practice to get comfortable with managing your time (which is often the most challenging aspect of the exam). You literally won’t have the time to cover every single thing on the bar exam, but doing practice exams will give you the confidence that you know 90% of the material.

      Also, some of the best advice from my bar review class was that you may come across an essay question where you genuinely have no idea what area of law is even being tested (known as an “oh sh!t” question). If you are familiar with how the questions are scored though, you will be able to literally make up some law and still manage to get a few points, which can be the difference between passing and failing. My first question on the bar exam was an “oh sh!t” question… This is where the approach of doing exam questions even before you know all the law really comes in handy. I was able to just buckle down and try to get some points and ended up passing and doing really well on the MBE portion.

      In short, spend 95% of your self-study time doing and debriefing practice exam questions. It will feel unpleasant because you won’t know all the law, but your brain will retain the information much more effectively and you will be very comfortable actually writing essays by the time the exam date rolls around.

  5. Ellen

    Yay! This is such a beautiful dress — if ONLY I was 10 year’s younger, I could look fabulus in it, but with my tuchus, it would be a stretch –literaly! FOOEY b/c Rosa can still wear these and she has 3 kid’s!

    Anyway, Dad gave Ivy a new IPAD and she is onley 4 year’s old. He said the IPAD is like Ivy b/c she and it both are sleek and have 10 time’s more functionality then the IBM PC-XP he bought when I was her age, and that I am more like the IBM-XP then the IPAD, b/c of my tuchus and b/c the IBM-XP is also like a brick, so he is useing the IBM-XP to hold up something in the basement. FOOEY on dad for compareing me to a brick. I agree Ivy is cute and sleek and smart, but she is 4 year’s old and I am not even 30 year’s older then she and I am an attorney, so why should he focus on compareing us? Even Myrna said the comparison is unfair.

    Fidel texted me again. I need to figure out how NOT to respond negativeley, but to get him NOT to text me with sugestive message’s. I wonder if all guy’s like Fidel think by being macho we women are suposed to just say — wow, I will do whatever you say b/c you are macho? FOOEY on that! I need a real man who treats me as an equal, b/c I am an equal, not just a vassel for them to treat as such. DOUBEL FOOEY on men that think men are smarter then I am. I may not be a model like Rosa, or a MENSA candidate like dad, but I still am very smart.

    I did NOT get in my 10000 steps yesterday b/c of the weather and dad is again mad. He did NOT know mom gave me the Hanuakah Gelt which I ate or he REALY would have been mad. I am up 2 pound’s this week b/c of the holiday, but he can NOT weigh me thru the INTERNET like he can see the steps, so I do NOT think I am going to go back to LI until after Jan 1, when he will again put me on the scale and yell at me. Mabye by then I will be abel to work off the pound’s, tho I do not think so b/c of the lousy weather.

    I also will have to start billeing again starting 1/1, so it will be alot more time sitting on my tuchus to get my hours — the manageing partner said he will accept 7500 hours in 2015, so I have my work cut out for me. YAY!!!!

  6. ANP

    Fun threadjack! What would you do if you had $300 to splurge on yourself? For context, I’m a mom of two kids under 5 with a third on the way, so clothes are out. I’m getting a watch for Christmas and I don’t need a bag. Any thoughts from the hive?

    • Marie

      A fancy keratin treatment for my hair… New makeup… Date night overnight at a hotel… A sumptuous prix fixe dinner for me & my SO at a fancy restaurant… Good seats for a performance…

      • Shayla

        I second everything here, except instead of date night at a hotel, I’d say a stay *by myself* with room service, Netflix, a massage, and a soaking tub.

        Signed,
        Mom of two under 5 as well (but w/o one on the way)

        Congrats! Hope you’re feeling good!

    • Rogue Banker

      Jewelry – something with the kids’ birthstones? Or maybe some nice cookware, or techy-toys if that’s something you like. My bff has an iPad that she uses to entertain her daughter, so that might be a nice thought for both you and the kids. :)

    • YouSaucyMinx

      Nice sheets, new pillows, or a memory foam topper. With a new baby on the way, you’re going to need some good sleep :)

      Or nice, comfortable shoes-you’ll need good ones to chase all 3 kids!

      • Burgher

        That was my recent splurge… a pair of Frye boots. Pull on with no heel to chase after the 2 year old and the new bun in the oven. They are super comfy but way less frumpy than sneakers.

    • ANP

      I love you people. These are all GREAT ideas! Keep ’em coming…and thanks for the congrats :)

    • lawsuited

      Awesome leather boots that would pull together many comfortable leggings-and-flowy top outfits. (Although if you dress better than me, YMMV and I don’t mean to offend!)

    • Reix

      Jewelry. Some vintage sterling silver and enamel brooch (which I can get for under 300 USD). Or a ring or earrings. But that’s because I really enjoy jewelry.

  7. Anonymous

    Kat, no. No. This is a nightie. It’s a party dress for a 22 year old. It’s what the new paralegal wears with tights and we wonder how to tell her tights won’t fix it. It’s that dress Donna Martin wore to work that one time. Pls pls get out more. This is not what we are wearing to work.

      • mmm

        I disagree. I think with a button up and a blazer, it would look great. The length is fine.

        • Anonymous

          The length is not fine. Skater dresses aren’t a work appropriate style. Neither are boob hugging sweetheart necklines. It might look hot but it’s not a work look at all.

          • LilyStudent

            You can’t just say ‘skater dresses aren’t a work appropriate style’ as if it’s gospel. Maybe for you, in your workplace. For me, skater dresses of an appropriate fabric, neckline, and length are absolutely appropriate (on the formal end of business casual, I think)

          • Anonymous

            Nope. I can and I just did. You’re like 22 right LilyStudent? And you prob think that sock buns are fine too. They’re not. This is an incredibly juvenile style that isn’t for the office.

            By definition, skater dresses are too short for work. That is their point. And this one isn’t an appropriate fit, neckline, or fabric either.

          • Meg Murry

            I also used to think skater dresses were too short for work – but now I’m seeing some places use the term “skater dress” to mean basically fit-and-flare or full skirt, not necessarily just short skirt. I think each dress needs to be evaluated on its own merits, not just on the description. Unless the description is juniors – then its almost definitely a no.

            This dress however – no, not for work, I agree with other posters. But I’ve seen dresses described as “skater” on Nordstrom website and other places, that I think would be fine for work if they are as long as they appear in their photos. This one, for instance, would be ok to me if long enough on the wearer: shop.nordstrom.com/s/trina-turk-cadence-cotton-blend-sweater-dress/3848103

          • Cat

            @Lilystudent, “skater dresses of an appropriate fabric, neckline, and length” – if you added about 6 inches to the hem of this one, made the neckline a boatneck or higher scoop neck, and changed the fabric to be a more businessy wool, then yes, this “skater” dress would be appropriate. As-is, it’s a flippy, flirty evening dress that black tights and layers can’t disguise.

          • Jennifer

            I agree that the length is not fine, but I disagree that any jersey dress with a sweetheart neckline is inappropriate, and I am well over 22. There is no need to be rude to other posters and dismiss their opinions because they have different body types and office dress codes.

            The neckline pictured is not anywhere close to my boobs (there is zero cleavage on the model), and if this came close to knee length I have no problem with the fit and fabric and neither would anyone else in my business casual office in DC. I’d wear a cardigan or blazer year-round, because my office is freezing- but in the summer I regularly commute in sleeveless dresses like this and put on the cardigan after I’ve gotten coffee and cooled off a bit.

          • mmm

            Welp, I’m 32 if that helps, work in a big law firm in one of the biggest cities in the country,and I would wear this to work as styled by Kat. It wouldn’t be b**b hugging on me because I would not wear it as tight as the model does. And the length would be fine on me because I’m not as tall on the model. All of these things are relative to how it fits and how tall you are; Anonymous is not the arbiter of all things for all people.

          • YouSaucyMinx

            Oh crap, are sock buns really not appropriate? I’ve been looking like an idiot for months then.

            Time to find another “whoops, woke up late again” hair style.

          • Baconpancakes

            I think around the time sock buns became ubiquitous lifestyle blogger hair, they became too casual to look professional. That said, as with all things, you could still wear one with a suitably formal outfit and look fine. I wouldn’t, however, wear one with a skater dress and expect to be taken seriously. I’ve just been falling back on a regular bun or a seriously hairsprayed ponytail with a strand wrapped around the band. Regular buns are boring, but unoffensive.

          • Anonymous

            I mean, why do you need to do an absurd giant sock bun on the top of your head instead of a simple chignon on the back? If your sock bun could pass as normal sure but that classic sock bun and a hair band look is too young.

          • Apples

            “why do you need to do an absurd giant sock bun on the top of your head instead of a simple chignon on the back?”

            Again with the commandments, Your Righteousness. Maybe you think sock buns are absurd; a lot of people don’t. Personally, I think that assuming all of “your” rules apply to everyone else is pretty absurd.

          • LilyStudent

            Wow, I didn’t expect that to kick off. The skater dresses I was referring to being work-appropriate are of the type sold in the Boden workwear section. Perhaps fit-and-flare would be a more accurate description, I apologise.

          • LilyStudent

            (And I just want to add that I didn’t say this type of skater dress was appropriate for me, just that the umbrella term ‘skater dress’ doesn’t just encompass dresses like this)

        • nutella

          Hey now! I agree that this dress and many skater dresses are probably not right for work, but as Meg Murray said a lot of things are described as skater that are actually “fit and flare” – especially in other countries, perhaps where LilyStudent is.

          I think that was an exceptionally rude and snarky comment, anonymous.

        • anonymama

          The dress is not particularly work-appropriate but if this is what you’re wearing as a slip I can’t imagine what you’re wearing over it.

          But your comment does kind of remind me of in Outlander when she goes back in time to the 1700s in her 1940s day dress and they think she’s wearing a shift.

          • Anon

            It’s like how my mother wore hoop skirts and I see some wedding dresses on Say Yes to the Dress and they look like crinoline + hoop skirt + corset (and yet it’s a dress). Go figure!

    • Anon

      To me it says party too but styled differently (and depending on the height of the wearer) it might be ok.

    • Jennifer

      Agreed. If this is really the “tall” version, and the model is 5’9″, that is way too much leg for tights to fix. Maybe if you are under 5’5″ and get the tall, but then the torso length will be wrong. I like the fuller skirt style, if this were about 4-6″ longer I would wear it in the summer with a cardigan.

    • cbackson

      I don’t necessarily agree with all the editorial comment, but I have to say that I don’t consider this to be work-appropriate at all – the combo of the sweetheart neckline, sleevelessness, length, and swingy skirt is far more “Can I tell you about our specials?” than “Hire me to handle your $500 million merger.”

  8. L

    How is this at all appropriate for business wear? Isn’t this basically what we council younger women not to do? Wear something borderline appropriate and throw something on top and tights to make it work for the office?

    • Anonymous

      Yup. Exactly. Or, to be blunt, it’s a stay at home mom’s fantasy of what work wear is.

      • Regular Poster Anon for This

        You know, a while back I emailed Kat with an “Ask Kat” question about how she thinks her style and her view of work style had changed since she was no longer working in an office or directly with other people as she had been previously, and I received a very nice answer back along the lines of “thanks for the question, but nothing’s changed!”

        It’s posts like this that make me really wonder the answer to that. Usually the recommendations are great, but every once in a while, I wonder “what the heck does she think office-bound people are wearing now that she’s home and blogging full time?” Not intended to be catty, or a take down, or any harsh criticism, but seriously curious.

        • also anon

          I completely agree with this. I do love this s*te and Kat, but I find myself saying, “wait, what?!? Seriously?” as to many more picks now than a few years ago when she was both working & blogging. I recognize that there are only so many work-appropriate clothing choices out there, so this may also be a factor.

          This really isn’t meant to be harsh/catty/a take-down either, but I also recognize this change.

          • cbackson

            Yeah, I also often feel like her picks aren’t as on-trend as they once were (maybe they’re on-trend in the greater fashion world, but they’re not reflective of trends in business-appropriate attire). I pretty much go to CapHillStyle for the clothes, and here for the community.

          • Emmie

            I’m sad to say that I agree. Kat, you seem to have lost touch with what your core audience actually wears.

        • Hollis

          I agree with this as well. I find myself wondering whether we’ve already covered the waterfront on work appropriate clothes and we now need to stretch to include “sexier” choices like large keyholes in the front, more animal prints, body-conscious dresses, etc. in order to have sufficient postings for this blog. I myself come here only for the community now and the great references to articles relevant to working women.

  9. Flower

    Does anyone have any experience with password managers? I’m looking into something like 1Password or Last pass, but I’m wondering anyone has any real world experience. I would like it to work on my PC (work laptop), mac, and iPhone. Any ones you have tried and liked or tried and hated?

    • Meg Murry

      I use LastPass and like it. It doesn’t get every single s!te right – sometimes I have to edit the s!tes I tell it to save, but overall, its great to free my mind from having to remember a million passwords. I also use its secure notes feature to hold things like my health insurance card numbers, library card numbers, WiFi passwords and my kids SSNs.

      I use it with the Firefox browser plug-in, and also on Android.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve had a similar experience with LastPass. It’s not perfect for every site–for example, I’ve had to do my own tweaks because their recommended process didn’t work for sites with the two-page logins where you only enter username on one page and pw on the next. But on the whole, I’ve loved having it and feel much better using the randomly generated passwords. I also get less annoyed when I have to set up a user account for sites because I can use a random password and save it with LP, instead of using my stock pw yet again and/or forgetting it. I paid for premium so that I could use the iPhone app, and I think it’s worth it ($12/year).

      • Anonymous

        I’m in moderation, but I had posted saying that I’ve had a similar experience with LP–some modifications necessary but on the whole very convenient and makes me feel a lot better when I have to register for new s!tes (I can randomly generate a new password instead of using one of my standbys for the umpteenth time).

        I paid the $12/year for Premium to be able to use the iPhone app, and I think it’s worth it.

        NOTE TO KAT: All I want for Christmas is to be able to say s!te without my post disappearing into the mod queue, without even a chance to edit it (because using ‘!’ is apparently so much better?). Seriously, you are driving away readers with this asinine mod policy.

    • LAnon

      I work at an IT start-up and password managers are required for us to use – LastPass is the most widely recommended one. It is a bit more of a hassle than just having one not-very-secure password and using it for everything, but worth it in terms of being protected in case one site gets leaked / hacked.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I use secret saver for iphone that also works online. I like it but you get some code w/ your password that you have to keep if you ever need to restore the app (like after buying a new phone). Luckily I keep all my emails forever so I had the code but lots of people complained in the reviews that they didn’t keep it after setup and lost their data.

    • Brunchaholic

      I use Dashlane and love. Premium that you pay for lets you sync across devices, but the free version has been helpful. It also generates random passwords if that’s something you’re interested in.

    • lurky-loo

      I’ve been using PasswordVault by Lava Software for probably around a decade and continue to be happy with it; I paid once for the license (it’s about $25) and they send me free upgrades regularly. It coordinates fine between my home (Mac) and work (PC) computer (though I keep passwords on a USB drive rather than on the work computer itself, for my own peace of mind). Downside is that it does not have an app for iPhone (or Android), but from what I’ve heard, there are some unsolved security concerns with password storage on mobile phones, so that’s not a huge concern for me at the moment; it’s pretty rare that I need to input a password to my phone without one of my computers in front of me, but I know that’s not the case for everyone.

  10. Anon-Christmas

    Hive I need help. My MIL is super over zealous, hubs and I are technically only common law, together for 5 years. She expects us to do Christmas like we are teenagers, separately. She also is very bitter that my family is upper class and holidays are skiing and chalet events. Hubs and I cannot afford chalet trips (because of studet loans) so my family paying for these things is a real treat. She recently said some awful catty things to me and posted passive aggressive fb statuses. I just want to get my relationship recognized as legitimate and for her to get over the respective class differences. I just can’t give up my only *trip* of the year.

    • tesyaa

      There is no reason to give up your trip. She’s being unreasonable, but can’t you ignore her? There’s not enough info here to give further suggestions. Do you live near her or your family; do you spend more time with one set of parents than the other; aside from the money issues, are there other personal issues that are causing her to be bitter and jealous?

    • Anonymous

      Are you actually common law married? Holding yourself out as married, considering yourself as married as you’ll ever get? Or are you conveniently common law married when it suits you and planning a wedding somewhere down the road?

      Why exactly do you think she just needs to get over that your one trip a year that she apparently can’t afford to compete with is scheduled over Christmas so she can’t see her son? Do you alternate years? Can your family not treat you to an Easter trip from time to time?

      Why, if you don’t want to be treated like a teenager, have you not just hidden her from your FB feed?

      • Anon-Christmas

        Actually common law, we file taxes together and all that good stuff. We will probably get real married once student loans are gone. She gets Christmas eve with us, and Christmas day breakfast so Christmas is split. She wants all the days though. We don’t really do easter we can’t get enough time off for travel to be worth it.

        • Anonymous

          Oh well then no. She cannot have all the days and should just be ignored. Although I think insisting on being treated as “married” when you don’t view yourself as such (if you want a wedding someday you’re not fully married now) is unnecessary. Married, common law, friends with benefits this woman has zero boundaries. Her regarding you as married someday isn’t going to fix that.

        • Apples

          This might be part of the problem – if you are married in the eyes of the law, you are already “real married.” Stop thinking of yourselves as otherwise. Absolutely, celebrate your marriage with a ceremony later – but continuing to allow yourself, and your MI(L?) to think your marital status is anything less than “married” is perpetuating her belief that you are not her son’s wife so she doesn’t have to respect you. (Not that she shouldn’t respect you if you weren’t married, it just sounds like this is her perspective.)

          • Anon-Christmas

            Thank you for this. I needed the reminder that by law we are husband and wife, and it means something.

        • Rin

          Can you get real married if you are considering yourself common law married? I actually think you can get a lot of trouble for that if thats find out. Just start considering yourself really married- call each other husband and wife, drop the plans for the “really married” someday. Also the waiting for student loans thing seems shady- why are you waiting if you are already married? It sounds like you are picking and choosing a bit. For your MIL, just ignore the passive aggressive stuff. She cant have control over what your husband does. Just be clear about boundaries.

          • Anon-Christmas

            Common law is automatic where we are, you can’t opt out. It is super common for people to be common law and then have a wedding. A wedding would be spending money we don’t have, I’d rather be financially responsible.

          • Anon

            Can you confirm you’re not in the US? CL is really disfavored in the states that recognize it. It’s not automatic (so living together is just that — you’re not automatically viewed as married).

          • Brunchaholic

            Assuming you live in the US (and now that I think about it, maybe you don’t so that would explain things), I don’t see how it’s possible not to be able to “opt out” of common law marriage. A required element of common law marriage, regardless of state (and knowing of course that not all states recognize common law marriages) is that you hold yourself out to the world as husband and wife. If you don’t do that you wouldn’t just automatically be common law married (think of the consequences of that type of policy).

            I think Rin has a point. Wouldn’t talking about planning a future wedding undercut the claim that you truly hold yourself out as husband and wife? So really, it does matter. A celebration to honor a marriage you already consider to be valid isn’t the same thing as a wedding, really.

            Meh, the chances that anyone would sue to find out are next to none, although your MIL sounds like a peach so who really knows…

          • Brunchaholic

            OP: my sincerest apologies if anything I said came off as any type of condemnation of your lifestyle or marriage. My friends who have moved out of the US say that Americans are oddly fixated on the concept of traditional marriage, and I think this pretty strong evidence of that.

            I also think large groups of lawyers can’t help but point out what they think are legal inconsistencies, sometimes in not the most sensitive manner.

          • Anon-Christmas

            Thanks Brunchaholic, it means a lot! I should have prefaced *not American*.

          • Latte Tuesday

            I’m not American and all this makes sense to me. I’d rather not be common-law married but after living with my partner for X years in a conjugal relationship we are married whether we like it or not. Many people live together before marriage and end up common-law but have a wedding later.

        • AKB

          I am a mother of boys so I am very on edge with MIL complaints. But I think you are being 100% fair. You spend a nice amount of time with both families. Carry on!!

    • lawsuited

      You’ve heard it before, and it’s because it’s the only thing that works: Your partner needs to run this one with his mother. You and your partner can talk about (probably should have talked about well before December 23rd) what you think is fair in terms of dividing the holidays, and then you speak to your family about it, he speaks to his family about it, and you each deal with any fall out from your respective families.

      Dividing the holidays between two families is hard and hurt feelings are par for the course, so try not to feel victimized. DH and I went through a lot of this in the few Christmasses after we got married, and in some ways that was still easier because our families expected some kind of change after we married. Seeing as you don’t have that catalyst, you will have to work even harder on setting expectations, and it sounds like perhaps that wasn’t done or wasn’t done early enough this year (based on how I’m interpreting what you’ve written here). For this year, keep your plans as they are, and have your partner tell her that it’s too late to change plans for your trip but you will plan some special time with MIL before or after, and then actually do it.

    • Anon

      How can I make people do what I want?

      Honey, if I knew that, I wouldn’t be here.

    • rosie

      1. Your significant other should be dealing with his mother. Make sure you are on the same page as him, and then have him handle her. As a couple, you two need to figure out how you will handle seeing both your families, holidays, etc.

      2. Your statements about class rub me the wrong way. There are tactful ways to handle interacting with people with different amounts of money, spending habits, and ideas about what parents cover for their adult children. Be careful that you are not feeding her resentment.

      3. Not sure what you mean by common law, but there is no technical (i.e., legal) common law marriage in many states, so if you think you are getting some kind of benefit from that status, make sure you’re aware of what the law is. No judgment on your relationship, just an fyi.

      • Anon-Christmas

        There is legal common law where we are. Tax benefits, shared insurance, all the typical marriage benefits. The class things are more her making negative statements about my family.

        • Anon

          Common law (PA) requires that you hold yourself out as married (so you can’t get married later — if you’re worried about sharing debts, you may already be doing so or it may make no difference at all). My state (NJ) doesn’t have it.

          At any rate, state law is state law.

          I understand why people on the frontier didn’t have the benefit of having their unions solemnized and had to have CL marriage, but it’s a huge proof problem for people when they get sick or die (HIPAA, legal next of kin, intestacy, and, if you’re really rich, any gift or inheritance tax issues).

          CL married is real married, but if you’re not really walking the walk, you may not be as CL married as you think.

          • Anon-Christmas

            Well we aren’t american and have lived together an extended period of time. I’m not sure why the focus is on the common law bit and not the actual problem, MIL. I am well versed in the laws I live under.

          • Anon

            I think that the focus is on the CL aspect b/c you brought it up and said that you weren’t treated as being married by the MIL and that you might get married in the future (so we are thrown off. It is a red herring, but an interresting red herring).

          • Latte Tuesday

            This may be true in America but isn’t true in Canada (and other countries as well I imagine).

        • Rin

          So are you in Canada? Its way easier to answer your questions if you just come out with it.

        • lawsuited

          The common law relationship the OP describes exists in Canada – after living together for 3 years you are considered spouses for the purposes of insurance and tax, but not for all aspects of marital property and spousal benefits in the event of divorce or death. You can still choose to become legally married if you wish.

          • Brunchaholic

            I still don’t understand how you can’t opt out of this. Genuinely asking as someone who knows nothing about Canadian law. I’ve lived with my bf for 4 years and we aren’t engaged and don’t consider ourselves married. That just wouldn’t matter?

          • lawsuited

            You could continue to file your taxes as two “single” people and not list each other as “spouse” on your insurance plans, and you would have successfully opted out of a common law relationship.

          • Anon

            That sounds like being sort of pregnant. I’m not Canadian though. This sounds like sort of married and sort of not married. Can you date other people? Do you have to get divorced to get remarried (or is it bigamous to move out and in with someone else)?

            I had a friend life in a home with 3 roomates — 1 other girl and two guys. Who was each married to (or was it some weird sister wives arrangement)?

            TBH, this Canadian arrangement is less-than CL marriage in the US. I can see why a traditionalist wouldn’t really view that as married.

          • Anon-Christmas

            That doesn’t actually work, hubs and I filed ‘single’ taxes year 3+4 then only this year did taxes together and then we got reimbursement cheques for year 3+4 as tax recalculations.

          • Anon

            Eew — how do the tax authorities know what two mixed-gender people do at the same address? I guess same-gendered roommates are safe from this? Or is everyone almost accidentally married like this? Do you need a divorce or do you just move out? For real CL marriage, you need a divorce.

          • CKB

            Actually, it’s only 12 months (or less of there are children) for tax purposes and generally doesn’t make a difference unless one spouse makes very little or income sharing applies. –>former tax accountant

            On the topic – I know some people who feel like your mil – that you aren’t really married unless there has been a ceremony. I think have to have your so talk to his mom, or just deal. I doubt you’ll be able to change her mind but separate bedrooms is silly in this situation. I’d suggest a hotel but that would probably make things worse.

          • Anon-Christmas

            There is a clause that the two people must represent themselves as a couple. Common law applies to any combination of geners and gender identities as long as you are in a relationship

          • Gail the Goldfish

            This is fascinating. In Canada, does it help you or hurt you to be counted as married for tax purposes? Or does it depend on income? Basically, I’m wondering from a policy perspective if the government gets a benefit from CL marriage while the couple doesn’t get death benefits.

          • lawsuited

            So, I’m not giving out legal advice, but I Canadians aren’t actually nuts and I think some clarification might help show that:

            @Gail the Goldfish, it usually helps rather than hurts to be married for tax purposes.

            @Anon at 12:58, you do not need to divorce to end your common law relationship, you just move out (which is why I say the marital property and spousal benefits are not the same as they are for legally married spouses). All roommates are safe regardless of gender, because common law partners have to self-identify themselves on their taxes.

            @Anon at 12:20, you do not need to get divorced to enter into a new common law relationship (you would just need to move out and begin living with the new someone) or to get legally married to someone else. And you can certainly date other people if you wish, but you can do that even if you are legally married.

    • Bee

      Have you ever spent Christmas with MIL as a couple? What did you do last year? What do you plan to do next year? Not sure if this is the case, but if you spend every Christmas on a fancy vacation with your family, but never spend Christmas with DH’s family, I could definitely understand DH’s family feeling resentful. It’s like saying, sorry you don’t rank because you can’t afford a chalet vacation, and we value a free vacation over holiday time with you.

      • Anon-Christmas

        She gets eve and day breakfast. My family doesn’t do either so it makes sense that since they have traditions that they get those events

        • lawsuited

          I think Bee’s point was that MIL might still be upset if you are spending Christmas Eve and Christmas morning (24 hours or so?) with her, and then Christmas day plus a week of skiing with your family.

          Every family is different and cares about different things, which is why talking about these things ahead of time is important, but I think my family would probably be bummed if I popped in briefly to see them during the holidays but spent the majority of my time every year with DH’s family because the accommodations were better. And even if this isn’t your reasoning for spending a Christmas vacation with your family (although truthfully, from what you’ve written that’s really what it sounds like) I can see why your MIL might have that perception.

      • Ciao, pues

        This was exactly my thought. If you always choose chalet vacation over MIL at Christmas, then she is getting the message that you value that more than her. May not be your intention, but as an outsider it is the clear message.

    • Anon

      Ohhhh, I cannot even imagine what my mother would be like if my in-laws were paying for us to do a skiing chalet type of Christmas. Luckily? neither of our families have any money. She can barely handle us going to their house on Christmas day after spending essentially 48 hours straight with her and that side of the family. It sounds like your MIL is very similar to my mother. I always try to remember “You cannot use logic to argue someone out of a position that they did not arrive at through logic”. You just need to remember they are not reasonable and try to set boundaries as much as you can, and know that you will repeatedly feel hurt and insulted forever. Happy Holidays! Haha.

      • Anon-Christmas

        Thank you. I needed your perspective that I shouldn’t try to use logic for something like this.

    • Katie

      I don’t think your relationship status matters here- whether you’re married, civil unioned, bf/gf, f*ck buddies, or single, you’re both adults who get to decide how to spend your holidays. Your husband needs to tell MIL that these are your plans as a couple, take ’em or leave ’em, and call her on her rude comments.

  12. Mail Carrier Gifts

    I left a small gift (bag of mini walker shortbreads) and a card in the mailbox for our mail carrier this morning. My mom always did the same so it seemed normal to me. I casually mentioned it to a coworker and she thought it was quaint, old-fashioned, and unnecessary. Do others still do this or is it weird?

    • Maddie Ross

      I think it is a bit quaint, but you’re definitely not the only person that does that type of thing.

    • YouSaucyMinx

      So, not to hurt your feelings, but most carriers just toss any food they do get–too risky and all that. It used to be very common–I know my grandmom always did it–until the mail carrier (he had been her mailman for 20 years) gently told her he had to throw away any food gifts he received.

      I think it’s more common (and probably more desired) to leave a $15-20 tip on a gift card. Postal workers aren’t allowed to accept more than $20 or cash, so we give Amex gift cards.

      • Mail Carrier Gifts

        I checked the applicable laws this year – they are in fact not allowed to accept cash or cash-equivalents, including gift cards.

        And it was a store-bought packaged item, not something I made. But even if he does throw it out — the gesture is what matters to me.

        • Anonymous

          What? If he throws it out then it is a COMPLETE waste of food and you’d be better off dropping it off at a shelter. If it’s the gesture that matters, leave a nice handwritten card. That’s it.

          • You're a Mean Girl Katy

            Ok, Anonymous, if you are the same Anonymous as in the above skater dress discussion, it would be great if you could use a more unique handle so we all know who to ignore.

          • Anonymous

            I’m not – haven’t been a part of that discussion. We are all entitled to our opinions. I think buying food for someone who is going to just throw it in the garbage is stupid. I doubt I’m the only one. I applaud the OP’s gesture and thinking, but this is a complete waste.

          • Anonymous

            I’m not the Anon above, but I think she actually has a point. Buying something that YOU think is a great gift and then saying you don’t care if the person actually likes it because “its about the gesture” is self-absorbed. It says “I care more about the recognition as someone who gives gifts, not actually doing something thoughtful that the recipient will appreciate.”

            Also, it’s Cady.

          • Pretty Primadonna

            YMGK, I’m SO glad you said this. So many anonymous posts that are straight up rude as of late. At least own up to your foul attitude(s) by using a handle unique to you. Sheesh.

    • Digby

      I give a box of Godiva to my letter carrier – we get a lot of mail, and we have a big dog who’s home most days, and who really doesn’t like the rumbly mail truck. It’s a miracle our packages are carefully placed on our porch. If I ever saw the UPS delivery person, I’d give that person some cash for the same reason.

    • Mpls

      Because they are federal employees, I think they are very limited in the types of gifts they can receive and that puts a lot of people off of trying.

      Also – a lot of people don’t interact with their mail carrier on a regular basis, so I can see it falling to the bottom of the evergrowing list of people you are supposedly supposed to tip around the holidays.

    • hoola hoopa

      I do something for mail carriers who we have ‘known’.

      I suspect it’s a dying tradition because most new neighborhoods have mail boxes for the street, so people probably don’t get to know their carrier as well. The carriers I’ve gotten to know were for houses where the mail was delivered to my doorstep or ones who delivered packages to our door even if the box was across the street.

  13. Killer Kitten Heels

    Your sibling calls you and asks you if sibling and spouse can stay for two nights on the futon in your home office on Dec. 23 and 24. In response, you:

    a) Say “Let me check with my wife and get back to you!”, then have a conversation with your wife about whether you’re able to host houseguests for two nights and what you need to do to prepare if you do;
    b) Say “Of course you can stay with us,” then immediately tell wife so you and wife can figure out how to prepare the apartment for houseguests several days in advance; or
    c) Say “Of course you can stay with us,” then not mention anything at all about it to wife until she’s on her way out the door to work on the morning of the 23rd, at which point you ask her in passing if she’ll be around at 5 to let the houseguests in, oh, and could she maybe clean the bathroom and the kitchen and the living room before they get here?

    I swear, I’m going to lose it today.

    • Anonymous

      Why didn’t you lose it? Does your husband not have hands he can use to clean? How do these assholes find wives?

    • Bee

      Maybe this is why I’m not married, but you know what I would be doing at 5-7 tonight if I were in your shoes? Having a fancy c*cktail and some delicious apps at a bar while chatting with friends (or reading a book if friends aren’t available) and not responding to my phone.

      • Anonymous

        Exactly. Do this. He will learn and so will they. And if not you had some fun.

      • ArenKay

        I love this response. I’d just do a slightly nicer version of this, say I have some last minute Christmas shopping to do, and then do it. Even if it’s for myself. I also embrace clutter as a feminist stance. He’s a big boy, and should be able to figure something out here.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          Ugh. You ladies are right, and yet I find myself unable to hang him out to dry this particular time. Feminist fail.

          • Anonymous

            Not feminist fail. You fail. You aren’t hanging him out to dry! He’s not rotting in jail. All he has to do is leave work early to tend to his own social obligations or arrange to meet sibling at a bar. And then he can clean when he gets home and deal with being awkward.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            You’re right. Unfortunately I can’t go back to correct my post at this point, but you’re absolutely right. I’m a total failure, personally, for agreeing to clean my own home under less-than-ideal circumstances. Let me know where to pick up my “Total Failure” badge and I’ll get right on that.

          • rosie

            You’re not a failure. You do you. Whatever will get you through with the least stress. And if you’re regretting agreeing to clean & accommodate, tell your husband that you are feeling the holiday spirit and did all this, but it was a one-time deal, and he owes you a massage, breakfast in bed, whatever.

          • Anonymous

            But that’s exactly why this happened – because he knew you’d do it. So of course go ahead and do it. He will treat you the same way again and again and again.

        • Anon

          Can you drink while tidying up? That way, you’re leaving work early to drink (yay!) and if the housekeeping suffers, you won’t care nearly so much.

        • new anon

          “I also embrace clutter as a feminist stance.”

          I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

      • L

        I’m married and would do this. Hell, I’d be getting a hotel room for myself instead of the guests!

    • lawsuited

      Good grief, I feel for you.

      My DH would probably do b) in this scenario, but has been known to do c) (although he would never, ever casually suggest that I race home to clean the bathroom and kitchen for his guests, presumably because he values his own life too much).

      I strongly second Bee’s suggestion.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        Sibling apparently asked “over the weekend,” in spite of knowing they were coming to visit for Christmas (and would therefore need a place to stay) for at least two months – the entire family is weak in “planning anything more than three days in advance” skills. So I would’ve been aggravated even if he’d told me when sibling asked, but at least we would’ve had a shot at being able to clean and prep the apartment *together* if he’d told me at the time of asking.

        • Apples

          Oh I didn’t mean to suggest you shouldn’t be aggravated at both the late asking and the late notice from DH. “Over the weekend” means, what, two days ago? If it were me, I would tell DH to tell his brother that unfortunately the request was too late, DH forgot to tell you, and it won’t work out this time. I know that’s harsh but you have to draw a line or that type of behavior will continue.

        • Baconpancakes

          At least it’s better than parents calling while you’re still at work and saying “Hey, honey, we’re at your door; thought we’d stay for a couple days on our way down to visit your aunt. We need to get into the house to use the bathroom and let the cats out.”

          True story. They were punking me, and were actually coming the next week, but I almost died.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            My parents did this to me more than once when I was in college.

            It is truly miraculous what can be fit under an extra-long twin bed when circumstances call for it.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      He’s generally good with this stuff, but this particular sibling just triggers all kinds of stuff for him, and while I’m generally empathetic/willing to help clean up and prep the apartment and everything, I cannot wrap my brain around how NOT TELLING ME that sibling is coming became an appropriate solution to his anxiety about the visit in his mind.

      After I’ve gotten over the urge to throw heavy objects in the direction of his head, we’re going to have a rational conversation about WTH he was thinking handling it this way, but I’m still in HULKSMASH mode right now.

      • Friend of Anonymous

        Why not just not do the cleaning? Welcome the sibling, have a drink with them while your husband cleans. Or, get your husband to hire someone in for it.

    • Surprise House Guest

      I will tell you a funny story to cheer you up. My husband lives far away from his family. His sister planned a surprise visit once to attend our Halloween party. I did a really good job keeping it a secret until a wrench got thrown into our plans the day she flew in. My husband had gone home sick from work. I knew he’d be upset seeing his sister for the first time in a year if he was in his PJ’s surrounded by tissues. But, she was already there and I couldn’t just send her back.

      So, I called my husband and told him I had a surprise for him and he needed to look presentable even though he was sick. I honestly can’t remember what I said or how I said but somehow I chose the wrong words and he got in his head that I could be bringing home another woman for a threesome! And he panicked! (why I wouldn’t cancel said threesome if he was sick is an entirely other question and what made him think that’s what I was planning still confuses me!) He started trying to get me to reconsider or “cancel the surprise” without telling me what he thought was happening.

      I covered the phone with my hand to ask his sister if I should just tell him she was visiting and she still very much wanted to surprise him. He could hear I was talking with a girl so that further confirmed his wrong suspicions. So I said more stuff, further digging my hole, regarding why the surprise was already commenced and couldn’t be stopped and I would be there in 15 minutes and look nice.

      When I walked in with his sister he looked like he had seen a ghost. He was very very surprised. He later told me how he thought I was bringing home someone for a threesome, freaked and freaked more when he saw that it was his sister. He felt like an ass and I (and our friends that know) haven’t let him live it down.

      Sometimes surprise house guests make for a great story.

      • Spirograph

        lol This story is the highlight of my day so far.

        OP, sorry your husband put you in this situation — HULKSMASH mode is totally appropriate. I love Bee’s suggestion, but in actual fact I’d probably feminist fail right along with you and go home and clean. Good luck!

      • Baconpancakes

        !!!!

        I lost it, and now I have to slink under my desk and go back to work.

      • Someone

        Here’s my story to cheer you up. I was 8 months pregnant and had just gotten home from work.
        My husband walked in the door with his sibling (who lives nearby and visits often, I just know in advance usually so I can look decent) when I’m sitting on the couch, watching tv, wearing just a loose long wifebeater and have taken off my bra in celebration of being home. It’s lying on the coffee table.

        So my husband walks in the door, with his brother behind (outside the door), sees my state and panics, knowing I wouldn’t want anyone to see me in dishabille.
        He announces loudly to me that he has someone visiting. He then proceeds to awkwardly try and shut the door on his confused brother while I grab my bra and run-walk into the bedroom trying to look dignified. I emerge 10 seconds later perfectly attired. :)

    • anonymama

      My husband has done (c) before, but minus the asking me to clean part. We do have an actual guest room and his sister and husband and baby have stayed over a few times before, and I love having them over… but I was still annoyed at my husband for not telling me they were coming. Just don’t bother with cleaning, your husband can handle it, or they can live with it considering they gave you so little notice in the first place.

    • quailison

      A little late to this, but I totally feel you. I would do the same thing – be upset but still do the cleaning even though not doing so would be not the end of the world. I don’t know what it is – I can’t get over having anyone over without cleaning up first, even though I know it doesn’t reflect on me, really. Whoever has that clutter as feminism mantra should write a blog post about it!

  14. Shots?

    Any recommendations for a tequila or vodka to gift that is tasty but a) not too expensive (~$30-40) but b)still “special”? Thinking something small batch/artisanal/crafty, so not Russian Standard or Tito’s or Grey Goose.
    So basically something akin to Basil Hayden for bourbon.

        • Marie

          Mmmmmm fever tree ginger beer. I don’t drink anymore but I used to love whiskey gingers with fever tree, and I’d drink the ginger beer alone now if i could find any here.

    • Cold River Creek

      Cold River Creek is a potato vodka made in Freeport Maine that is a local favorite but sold nationally. Price usually compares to Grey Goose.

    • Anonyc

      Just picked up OYO Vodka as a gift for my family’s Booze or Books Christmas. It’s a small batch vodka made from red winter wheat (rather than potatoes) by some dudes in a garage in Ohio. They seem to have several flavors. It’s about $30. (http://andrewswinecellar.com/search?q=OYO)

  15. Anonymous

    Is it possible to get liquor shipped to anywhere in DC metro region from Michigan? I was hoping to get my parents a bottle of this cheap brandy that is a favorite among Michigan folks. It’s not available in my local ABC store in VA.

  16. Define Business Casual

    So, I have an interesting slow day game. I’d be interested in everyone’s definition of business casual. It seems to very greatly even on this $ite as proven earlier by some saying this dress would be appropriate in their office, which is business casual.

    For example, in my east coast (non-law) office, business casual means slacks/skirts (no cotton/twill type fabrics) and a blouse/sweater. My place leans more to casual so usually I can leave off the topper (unmatched jacket or cardigan). Jeans on Fridays. Men wear slacks and a button up, no tie.

    Is my definition totally off base?

      • Parfait

        Those pictures look incredibly formal to me, sitting here in Los Angeles. Basically the only difference between those and formal-formal is that the jacket doesn’t match the bottom?

        I think of “smart casual” as a Britishism that doesn’t quite translate.

        • Zelda

          “I think of “smart casual” as a Britishism that doesn’t quite translate.” This! Business casual in the US encompasses both “business casual” and “smart casual,” as defined by Business Insider. I’ve never heard smart casual used as a professional dress code in the US.

          Parfait, the other difference I notice between “smart casual” and business formal is that smart casual is less conservative than traditional business formal, with brighter colors, bolder accessories, etc.

          • tesyaa

            When I was a kid, my British relatives would tell me I looked smart when they meant put-together, and tell me I was clever when I did something smart.

    • Parfait

      No cotton or twill? Jeez. I know this varies widely by region but that shocks me. No lovely Boden jersey dresses? How do you even live?

      • Define Business Casual

        Mostly as it pertains to pants skirts. Nice thick jersey dresses are fine. I guess I should have said not khakis?

    • Jennifer

      DC area tech/engineering consulting, with a lot of visitors from offices in other parts of the country:
      about half of the men are consistently slacks/button down, no tie. One or two men are regularly in suits, because they frequently have meetings at more formal offices. The other half of men are more on the polo shirt/khakis or button down/jeans side of things. One or two men at a fairly high level wear whatever the hell they want, including old, torn tie-dye shirts (and get silent side-eye – it is clearly inappropriate).

      As for the women, slacks or skirt in a suiting fabric and a blouse/sweater is about half. Occasional full suits for meetings, some jeans, some dresses that are very boden-y (jersey, twill fabrics, usually with a sweater, definitely not suiting materials). Almost never see pumps/fancy shoes- flats or sandals in summer, flats or boots in winter. In general, the upper management from other offices is more casual than the people assigned to my office. I’ve worn pretty trendy pieces like ankle booties, printed silk pants, and moto-cardigans, and it’s just fine when styled with otherwise boring pieces.

      There just isn’t any hard rule that I can point at- my office has a lot of engineers that spend part of their days crawling around machines, so even things like “no tennis shoes” are not absolutes. Plus many people bike into work, so I’ve seen my boss in spandex bike shorts before or after work and no one died. They trust that people dress appropriately for clients, but in the office itself as long as it isn’t distracting (and I would classify a dress as short as the one on the model “distracting”) and it fits your tasks for the day, go for it.

    • SuziStockbroker

      I am in finance and my “business casual” (which I would only wear on Fridays or a day like today when there is no one here) is generally a ponte dress and a blazer. In the summer, I have worn ankle pants with flats and a shrunken more casual blazer (seersucker or similar) on a Friday. I actually have one knit “blazer” that I would wear with a sheath dress on a Friday if I had no client meetings.

      For the most part, I wear a suit or a dress and a structured blazer almost every day.

      Women (there are few of us) in my business tend to err on the formal side, particularly when we are younger.

    • Philanthropy Girl

      Hahaha! So this has been the mystery of my life since I started my current job two years ago. We are small-town, mid-west business casual (for our office team – we’re a healthcare facility, so we have plenty of people in scrubs). Mean typically wear slacks, collared shirt and a tie. Women are all over the place, tending toward very casual. I’ve seen HR in a hoodie. I’ve seen our CFO in anything from khakis and a polo to dress slacks and a blouse to a maxi dress with a shrug or cardigan over it. If I wear more than a blouse and slacks I feel overdressed. I love wearing heels, but feel overdressed when I do. When I have off-campus meetings and wear a jacket everyone knows I’m headed to a meeting elsewhere. Jeans, however, are an absolute no-no regardless of day of the week. There seems to be this subtle, unspoken difference between an outward facing position (like mine) and an internal position (like HR or our controller), allowing internal positions to be a bit more casual. I always feel like the men in our company are more “business” and the women are more “casual.”

      As I said – small town, mid-west, and by and large very unfashionable people (no judgement in that statement, just a statement of fact – most people around here don’t care about fashion).

      And I never know what to wear….

      • Idea

        I like the line about how men are more “business” and women more “casual” at your office…
        Reminds me of my 1st job. Asked my then-boyfriend now-husband how I should dress for business casual (I was at a Top NY Law Firm).
        He suggested I just not wear a tie. Sad trombone noise…

      • ANP

        Philanthropy Girl, I think I know what you do for a living (advancement work? Samesies!) and I do think dress code poses an interesting issue for people in our field. We tend to be out of the day-to-day work with clients (so: healthcare, education, social work, etc.) and I’ve always found the rules to be weirdly different. I’ve actually been at orgs where I felt judged b/c I dressed more nicely than the boots-on-the-ground staff, even though my dress code was/is dictated by the outward-facing nature of the job.

        Just wanted to throw my two cents in from a development perspective (and apologies if I read your profession incorrectly).

    • Zelda

      I don’t think there’s any one definition, as it definitely varies by office. I usually wear a topper, but never a full suit. People tend to wear toppers in my office, though there are some who wear a sweater or blouse with slacks/skirts. Men vary from polos to button-ups with/without ties and may or may not wear a sports jacket on top. No jeans unless it’s specifically allowed for charity.

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