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Nordstrom has a bunch of shoes on sale that I haven't seen in the sale section before — and a lot of prices marked 35-60% off. Lots of lucky sizes, but these lovely stone pumps (also available in black) have a good number of sizes left. They were $180, but are marked to $70 at Nordstrom. Sol Sana Ariella Pump
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Marie
I have very little to do and am falling asleep at my desk. No one else is around. Thinking I should have taken this stub week off completely… Cute shoes but I already am overbudget this month. Alas!
Jennifer
YESSS it is dead in my office too. Sometimes it is a nice to power through some lingering tasks without interruption, but today it is just boring.
Bonnie
These shoes are lovely. So glad I took off the week although got slammed with a cold.
YouSaucyMinx
I’m one of the oddballs that loves weeks like this. I catch up on stupid tasks I’ve been putting off, I can plan for the New Year, clean and get organized, and if I get bored, take some free online classes :)
Ellen
Yay! I am NOT alone! Marie, I am also over budget! FOOEY, but I do NOT think I could ever wear White Shoes at work. They are VERY styleish but NOT for an attorney that HAS to go into court. Rosa say’s that I could get away with these if I worked in Miami, but FOOEY on that. It is hot enough here in NYC in the Summer. I would literaly melt my tuchus away in Florida in the Summer.
Anyway, Myrna and I were in LI this weekend, and she drove me all over the place. From Manhaset to Rosvelt Field all the way out to Tanger’s Outlet store’s. I think I wish I could shop on LI all the time b/c Manhattan is so expensive for stuff that I need! Anyway, there were 2 guys in Manhaset who stopped Myrna and Me and wanted to know if we wanted to go out with them. They were literaly 21 year’s old or so. I can NOT beleive these kid’s have the nerve to aproach us about dateing them?!?! I think they were NOT interested in getting to know us, just in trying to have sex with us — they must have thought we were COOGARS or something, but the last thing we are interested in are these pimpley faced kid’s with crummy mustache’s that they think we think are macho or something. It’s like a bunch of younger version’s of GONZALO! DOUBEL FOOEY!
I am still awaiting my 35-40 year old with a 7 figure $alary and an 8 figure bank account who is abel to MARRY me and I can then have his children. YAY!
CherryScary
Dead here as well, and since I just recently started here, no vaca days till next year. Boss was nice and said I can do a half-day on Christmas Eve.
Parfait
Totally dead here as well. It’s so dead, I have NO meetings scheduled for the next two weeks. It’s so dead, the pot of coffee I made at around 10 still has coffee in it.
I don’t mind it. I also don’t mind that there was no traffic whatsoever on the way. I’ve even had time to wipe my desk clean. Ahhh.
cross-dressing?
So, I inherited a kilt that is in great shape. I looked online for ways to style it and my first page of search results was all for . . . men. Do women wear them anymore? It seems like the men-in-skirts thing is really a thing. People (well, male people) are wearing them to proms.
Just give it to my husband? I was hoping it would be Christmas-y. Or at least be like my old punk rocker friends and throw it on with my Doc Martens.
roses
I think if it actually fits you well you could style it for christmas parties. Otherwise, keep it around for cultural events (if you’re Scottish) and Halloween!
Anonymous
What? Kilts are traditionally male Scottish attire. They are not cross dressing or part of a men in skirts trend.
By all means wear one if you want but this isn’t some new trendy thing men are doing.
Mpls
I think “kilt” is the term for the traditionally worn tartan/plaid. There may a different term for the configuration of the tartan/plaid worn by women. Is that what you have, or a is it a wool skirt that hits you somewhere between the knee and mid-thigh?
Yes, if you said “kilt” I would think of a men’s clothing item. For a women, I would just call it a plaid skirt.
YouSaucyMinx
Please no kilts. Unless you are under 18, you will look like a desperate wannabe schoolgirl. Just no.
Must be Tuesday
They’re not something I see women wear frequently anymore, but if you inherited it and want to wear it, go for it. I love the look of kilts. If it’s brightly colored, try it with a plain black sweater or a white button down. These can be dressier looks, with heels or booties or knee-high boots. If you want a more retro punk look, try it with the doc martens and a camisole or tank and an unbuttoned button down, either open or tied in front. Or wear it with the docs and a vintage graphic tee.
cross-dressing?
I think of things that wrap and need a pin as kilts. But I didn’t see men wearing them (US, suburbia) until college (but not by anyone from Scotland, just by men up for people checking what they were wearing beneath). At any rate, it is cold and I’m going to give it a whirl. It is from Scotland (friend used to live there but it is too small even with the buckles adjusted looser).
I just thought it was funny that it’s so hard to find ways women wear them these days (and I don’t see much beyond office and gym attire) I had to wonder if women wear them anymore. I would have thought with Frye and similar boots being in that people (female people) would have been wearing kilts more.
Anon
Wardrobe Oxygen recently had a post on how to style a kilt. I thought she had some good suggestions. http://www.wardrobeoxygen.com/2014/11/how-to-style-a-kilt.html
hoola hoopa
Is it a men’s kilt or a woman’s kilt? They are different.
If it’s your family’s tartan, keep it regardless.
If it’s a woman’s kilt (or a men’s kilt that you feel you can pull off), then you can wear it occasionally. I wear mine for special events (ie, grandparent landmark birthdays) and occasional holiday. I usually style it with a black twinset and pumps (traditional-ish) or a camel cashmere sweater and tall cognac boots (modern-ish). Unless it was a subtle plaid, I probably wouldn’t wear it to work. Even then, it would be a huge maybe. (Moot point for me, because ours is definitely not subtle).
Anne
Amazon UK is selling Ladies Kilt: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tartanista-Stewart-Around-Length-Ladies/dp/B003VRAPWW So, in use/being sold.
Anon
I participated in a bone marrow registry drive years ago and was just contacted because I might be a match for someone. Has anyone gone through this, either as a known donor or through the registry? Thanks for any insight.
cavity maker
you may want to contact your local be the match chapter. they can likely get you in touch with someone in your area who can answer your questions. I have had friends that have done it. I have heard that the procedure is much less invasive these days for donors.
Anon
No but good for you for volunteering. I signed up years ago but now have celiac disease and am told I’d be ineligible if needed, as the person would then also have celiac disease. Bummer.
Anonymous
Wait, is this a thing? Is celiac transmitted by marrow/plasma/blood/etc.? One of my parents has it and I hadn’t heard this.
Anon
I haven’t received an official dis-invitation from the bone marrow registry people but read in their materials that it wouldn’t be allowed – I think because the person would then be at risk for celiac. But I’m not 100% sure. I figure if my name ever comes up, I’ll go and talk to them about it.
Zelda
I’m also on the bone marrow registry. I was contacted earlier this year as a possible match for a woman with cancer. I called them back and scheduled an appointment to give blood for further tests. They arranged the location and covered all costs. Although the blood tests revealed that we were a match, the woman’s doctor determined that they weren’t going to go through with the transplant at that time.
Bethematch (I’m assuming that’s the org that you used) has lots of information on their website. I also talked to several friends who were nurses, who all assured me that the procedure wouldn’t be a big deal for me as the donor. You’ll probably take a little while to get back to full strength, but to me it was a minor inconvenience compared to potentially saving someone’s life.
Anon
I just want to say thank you so much for registering. We are trying to find a match for my mom right now.
A
Thank you so much for registering; I hope you have the opportunity to save a life. My brother has been battling stage IV cancer for the past two years and is currently going through a stem cell transplant. The first person that was contacted to be a donor for his transplant agreed to donate months prior to the procedure and then cancelled the day before the transplant. It was heart breaking. Luckily, we found a second suitable donor in the registry. It means so much that he has been given a second chance at life.
kellyandthen
These remind me of something that Kelly Taylor or Donna Martin would have worn to prom with a short trumpet skirt dress and matching chiffon scarf. And sparkly hose.
Donna, of course, would have gotten drunk and thrown up on them, prompting “Donna Martin Graduates!” to be chanted later on…
Anon
If a colleague told you that you look swanky, would you be concerned about calling too much attention to yourself via clothing choices or otherwise looking inappropriate? What does that mean in this context anyway?
Anonymous
That you look nice and more dressed up than usual. I would not be even remotely concerned. It’s a compliment.
YouSaucyMinx
It’s a nice compliment–you look elegant or luxe–I wouldn’t stress.
Baconpancakes
If you colleague said “You always look so swanky,” I might tone down the more luxe aspects of outfits and throw in a couple of days when I wear trousers with a twinset, but if someone said “You look swanky today!” I’d just say thanks.
Anonymous
I have to give a plug for the J. Crew Elsie pump. I was able to grab them at $179.99 + 40% off, plus an additional 10% off (netting ~$96). They are fantastically comfortable for such a high heel. In my old age, I’ve basically given up on heels, in favor of wedges or flats, but these are really not bad. I’ve been wearing them all day and there’s no discomfort.
They are pricey if not on sale, but they might just be worth the splurge for a comfortable, classic shoe.
breadwinner + 1
Regular poster going anon. Sorry for the long post.
If you are the primary breadwinner for your household and your partner works, how do you maintain balance between prioritizing the two careers? In other words, how much do you have to push to get what you need to succeed?
Earlier this year, my husband re-entered his career after being SAH for ~4/5 years. It picked up much faster than either of us expected, and I’m reeling from the sudden lack of support for my career. Before he went back to work, he handled kid and household duties and I worked when/as much as I needed. Before he left his career, he was the primary earner and it was easy for me to work around his schedule. His job/salary didn’t change, but mine did dramatically and I now have greater responsibility and a much larger income. I’m the primary earner (and carry benefits), although his income is not chump change. It covers childcare and extra spending money.
My job has flexibility and long-range deliverables. His job has some flexibility but short-range deliverables that often cause him to have to work very long days (unexpected, not flexible). We both work M-F ‘regular office hours’. (We’re not three 12’s, graveyard, etc).
What I’m running into is that he leaves early and works late as he needs. We have two kids (and a third on the way), so I’m generally stuck doing pick-up/drop-off. With the commute, that means that I’m really at work only 9-4. That’s fine with my office culture, but I’m feeling the difference of those two hours in my productivity. He will do drop-off in the morning if I have a meeting, but otherwise I have to push back to get him to stay long enough to help me get the kids ready (I get up early, dress myself, make breakfast, and get kids up while he gets himself ready. Then he helps me get them dressed and packed in the car). Even when he says that he’ll do pick-up, he ends up calling me at 4 pm to tell me that he won’t be able to make it which is more disruptive to my work than me planning to leave early.
I’ve discussed this with him multiple times. He agrees that it’s not fair and understands that it’s affecting my work. He says he understands that my job is more important. He promises to do better. Then something comes up at his job and he’s working 20 hour days. In the day-to-day, it’s hard for me to push back when I *can* arrive/leave early and he’s so busy, but in the long term I’m very stressed and frustrated.
Clearly, I need to set up boundaries and stick to them, but I’m wondering what’s fair in this particular situation and/or how much holding the line is normal. Our relationship is generally power-balanced. We’re best friends and excellent partners. Uusually he bends over backwards to get me what I need, but his job is so inflexible and unpredictable that he feels backed up to a brick wall.
It’s been so long since we’ve both been working, and when we last did we didn’t have kids. This is unchartered territory for me – for us, really.
Anonymous
Why are you approaching this as a power battle instead of a practical problem? I think that’s the question you really need to answer.
With no problematic context the answer seems pretty clear- neither of you are available for childcare pick up at 5, so you need a different childcare plan. If you both need to be at work before 9, you need a different morning plan. I don’t think it’s about maintaining boundaries at all. He clearly values his job and your making more money doesn’t mean the automatic solution is he’s responsible for this.
Anon
This. Your current child care set-up is not working anymore. Whatever you’ve got (sounds like maybe daycare?), you need something that gives you longer coverage at the ends of the day.
Meg Murry
Does he go in early because early morning conference calls or meetings come up, or in order to deal with things that blew up since he left the office the night before, or just to get a jump on the day? Could you offer up the compromise that you need him to do daycare drop-off every day, even if it means he has to work late some days, and you’ll always do pick-up unless you have a meeting?
Or can you buy back that hour or two of productivity some other way – like asking him to pack lunches and do post dinner washing up so you can log back into your work system from home most nights?
In his defense, if he’s back at work for less than a year, he’s probably still trying very hard to prove himself at the job – but I think its fair for you to remind him that you BOTH have careers to balance now, and he can’t always rely on you to pick up the slack. Can the two of you come up brainstorm together so it doesn’t just seem like you issuing him a list of demands?
Anonymous
Or does he go in early and work late and make you take care of the kids because MAN WORKING. Cause that’s the sense I get and that’s a whole other problem.
OP
Honestly, this is how I feel about it. No one else in his office shows up until 9 or 9:30 am on a typical day. When he’s working long days to meet a deadline, he’s going in early is to get in the hours – which I completely understand and support. But on a typical day, I really do not understand why he thinks he should roll out of bed 20-30 min after I do, shower while I get the kids ready, then walk out the door when I’m still 20 min from getting them in the car (plus the time to do two drop-offs).
What’s even more confusing is when I say “Actually, can you please stay and help?” he does stay without seeming stressed and doesn’t seem to work any later that day.
Anonymous
Have you asked him? Have you told him this? Have you said “Mon, Wed, Friday, I do the kids in the morning. Tues, Thurs I get up and leave and you do everything”
Away Game
Agree with Anonymous at 4:31. He needs to plan to be at home in the mornings, unless there is a very specific reason he has to leave 20-30 mins earlier, to help you get the kids ready. And, for evenings, you do need a new plan. College -age driver who can babysit for 2 hours, or something.
Monday
I wonder if on any level he feels like he “earned it” during his years as a SAHD. No judgment on either of you, but maybe he’s been gasping for adult independence for a long time and a bit jealous that you worked throughout.
OP
Anonymous, yes, I have. We set up schedules like that all the time. They last maybe a week. Something comes up at work and he doesn’t downshift back to the agreed upon schedule once his workload stabilizes. Admittedly, I don’t realize immediately.
He did it this morning, actually (hence the post today), and I specifically asked him why he wanted to leave so quickly. He said there was no reason – he was just up and ready, so he figured he’d go.
It’s very in line with his personality, actually. He gets in his mind that he’s going to do something, and he does it. He’s very focused and hardworking. It’s a really great trait in general, but it’s hard to hold him back.
Anonymous
Hardworking except at taking care of his kids. Sounds awesome.
OP
Hardworking except at taking care of his kids. Sounds awesome.
Lorelai Gilmore
Sorry, I’m all over this thread. But one proposal: negotiate the schedule EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY. That’s what we do when life gets awful – every week on Sunday, we sit down and block out who is doing drop-off and who is doing pick-up.
One other thought: negotiate that he will do the drop-off (say, three mornings a week) and on those days, you get up at the crack of dawn and skedaddle out of the house. That way he’s on his own with the kids and you don’t accidentally get dragged into the morning routine.
OP
Excellent suggestions, Lorelai. Thank you so much!
We already review weekly schedule on Sunday, so that would be an easy add and hopefully work better than a standard standing schedule. And I do think I need to be better about extracting myself from morning routine all together if he’s going to do it that day. I definitely get sucked in.
YouSaucyMinx
So, fireball of truth…the biggest lie in the relationships is that things need to be “fair”.
They don’t. “Fair” doesn’t always work. Your job allows you to leave at 4. His doesn’t. As the above poster mentioned, you making more money doesn’t mean this is your husband’s battle to solve–he clearly feels value and fulfillment from his work, so you have to consider that in what’s “fair”.
To me, since you said his income covers childcare and extra expenses–this is an easy solve. Both of you aren’t REALLY available to pick the kids up at 5, so you need to make other arrangements for the sake of marital harmony.
Extend childcare hours, hire an after-school nanny, or arrange for someone to pick up the kids–otherwise you’ll keep doing this power struggle.
Nellie
I really disagree with this. Everything does not have to be *equal* but the arrangement should be fair. Fair is possible.
2 Cents
I don’t think it’s about him consciously not supporting you, but since this is his first job in a few years — yay for him for being able to re-enter the workforce so quickly after being out of it — I’m sure he’s eager to impress, feeling pressure (real or self-created) to put in extra hours, still feeling out the culture at his work, and trying to juggle these new work priorities with all of the things he did before. Especially since his work seems to be one where he can be unexpectedly called to work extra time (early or late) at the last minute (I feel his pain), you both will need some extra child care options now and going forward. And he may be feeling a bit unsupported when you ask him to handle the morning or evening pickup since your office culture supports you in arriving later/leaving early (whereas he’s still feeling his out / it may be indirectly frowned upon).
Instead, like Anonymous at 3:32 said, you need to come up with a practical solution that works for both of you 95% of the time:
–how will mornings be handled?
–how will evenings be handled?
(and in the future)
–what is maternity leave for you going to look like?
Maddie Ross
For context I too am the primary breadwinner, but to me, you need to take that part out of the equation when you are addressing this issue. Unless his job was purely for fun or truly part-time (and it doesn’t sound like it’s either), then you need to address both your jobs and duties in those jobs equally. Who makes more shouldn’t matter and it shouldn’t be used as a power play.
All that said though, I do agree that it’s not necessarily fair for you to be working a reduced schedule without a specific decision to be doing so. You all need to address pick up and drop off schedule with your current childcare format, or look for a new childcare solution such as a nanny. Or even a PT nanny on top of your current nanny or daycare. You are right, it’s not fair that you are 100% tasked with pick up and drop off every day, but it also shouldn’t fall 100% to your husband just because he makes less money.
Anonattorney
I agree with this. I’m the primary breadwinner, but my husband is passionate about his career and works hard. We don’t really put any qualifier on whose time is more important.
Is your career taking a hit because you are on a 9-4 schedule? If it is, that’s the conversation you should be having with your husband. If you are in any way compromising your career and your family’s main livelihood then you need to communicate that. If it’s just an inconvenience to you to do pick-up and drop-off and the issue is more about an amorphous fairness concept, I’m not sure how that translates into an effective conversation. I agree that it feels unfair, but it’s just hard to have the rational, unemotional discussion with the husband on that basis.
I’ve also had to talk to my husband about being a better advocate for himself at work. He’s in the nonprofit world and is generally a people-pleaser, so he sometimes isn’t as proactive about setting boundaries. Yes, he can take on those extra responsibilities, but he needs some sort of pay raise to reflect the extra time he’s putting in. That’s just the reality of the situation.
At the end of the day, if your earning capacity is being negatively affected by this schedule, then things need to change. Either your childcare setup, the balance of responsibility, or your family’s spending.
OP
Yes, it’s affecting my career. It’s just a slower-to-realization hit than he would take. For example, he might miss a deadline this week, but after ~9 months of this I’m woefully behind and it’s being noticed.
Coach Laura
With three kids, one as yet unborn, you two are going to be doing the daycare pick-up-drop-off routine for a long time into the future. As anonymous said, you need a new plan as the current one isn’t working with his inflexible job. It would be easy to say “You have to drop-off every morning so that I can get to work early enough to pickup in the afternoon.” But it sounds like that won’t allow him to succeed at his job. Perhaps in the long-term, he could find a job that would be more flexible but he doesn’t have that now.
A nanny or an au pair is a potential solution, and with the cost of day-care for three kids a nanny might even be cheaper. Otherwise a “mother’s helper” (perhaps a college kid or older grandma type) who can do the pickup and/or drop off would be helpful. Really, your parenting situation has undergone a 180 change from when he was a SAHD, but your approach hasn’t changed. (My SO was a SAHD who went back and I know it’s a bigger change than expected.)
If you keep pulling shorter hours at work, it may eventually affect your work output or your sanity and especially since you are pregnant you may exhaust yourself. Hope you find a solution that works.
LawDawg
This may be going out on a limb as an option, but do either of you have the chance to telecommute once a week? If you have the discipline to really work at home, being able to take the kids in and pick them up at “normal” times, but eliminating the commuting hours can give you fuller work days. I was lucky to be able to do this and choose my work-at-home days. I tended to use them on days when my husband was travelling or was scheduled for a long day. The stress was eliminated from those days when I had to do the child transport on both ends. Kids are now in their teens, but I still use this option so that I can get to sporting events/extracurriculars without having to build in the time to commute.
OP
It’s an option for me that I’m pursuing. I could do one day/week, which would really help. We don’t have a very good set-up, though, and honestly I’m not very good at keeping myself on task at home. I wouldn’t do it except to help resolve the issue, so again, I feel like I’m the only one bending to make this work.
I’m really confused about whether it’s an option for him. He says it’s not possible, but he has done it in a pinch.
OP
Thanks, all, this is very helpful.
Reponses to things that have come up:
– I mentioned power balance because I assumed responders would ask. I personally don’t see it as a power balance issue. I do feel plowed over, but I feel like I’m giving in too easily and not that we’re in a power struggle. If my post sounded like it, then it’s very insightful to hear that from objective listeners.
– I’ve brought up a nanny many, many times. He’s strongly against it but despite me asking he hasn’t explained why. We’re currently doing school/aftercare and daycare (two morning drop-offs, one afternoon pick up because dc picks up at the school for aftercare), and the hours are consistent with the norm for our area.
– I’m not expecting him to do 100% of childcare or even exactly half. But right now 100% is falling on me, and it’s not working for me.
It’s also probably worth mentioning that, according to him, he doesn’t like his career. He just does it for the money (which I’m not sure will even exist once we have a third in daycare…) and talks about wishing he could be SAH again. So I feel like I’m holding up everything so that he can work at a job he doesn’t even enjoy. I’m fine without the extra spending money; he is not. Again, I’ve said this to him. He says he wants the extra spending money and he’ll help out more, then doesn’t.
Anonymous
I don’t get this. The problems are 1) no one is available for school pick up and 2) he doesn’t help out in the morning.
It’s not acceptable to just refuse to look for other solutions.
This is 100% a power struggle and it’s about the fact that you clearly don’t value his career nor he yours because practically this is an easy problem.
tesyaa
Even if his salary doesn’t cover the cost of a third daycare, it may be worth it for the future earning potential. But he has to consider a nanny or at least explain why he’s not in favor. Does he not want to spend the $$$, or does he think the kids won’t get good care?
OP
That’s true. He doesn’t realistically have any potential for higher earnings, but he did get kind of lucky with the way his career picked up again (so I’m not sure he’d get an equal opportunity if he left the workforce again), and even though he doesn’t like it, it will be easier in ~5 years when all the kids are in school.
Since it would probably be cheaper for us to have a nanny, I don’t think it’s the cost. I suspect that he thinks our middle child would do better in a preschool setting rather than being home with a nanny and baby – but I genuinely don’t know. I’ll try again to get his thoughts. This conversation has been really helpful, because it looks like figuring this out may be key. I keep telling him that I want a nanny because it would save so much pick-up/drop-off energy and time, but maybe he doesn’t realize how much that’s really costing me. He’s also just not someone who thinks about childcare. I’m due next month and he literally just said that we should make a plan for the infant care. (I’ve been planning for months – and have tried to discuss it with him several times).
Anonymous
Nope. Adults who have kids don’t get to not think about child care. I’m sorry but you have accidentally married a selfish man child.
Mpls
Also, you can have a nanny and still have the kid in preschool a few mornings a week (without it being full on daycare). It’s not an either/or proposition.
OP
Good point, Mpls.
Lorelai Gilmore
I’m so sorry to be so post-ing, but one more thing – but with my DH, it helped when I said, “Look, when I do the pick-up at night, it means I lose at least 1 billable hour, plus I spend 3 hours doing the evening routine on my own. It costs me four billable hours to do this. I have to bill X hours a year to stay employed, and Y hours a year to get promoted. Having me do the pick up 5 nights a week is not the best use of my time for our whole family.” For whatever reason, using concrete numbers and putting this all into the perspective of a family time budget helped take some of the value judgments or power struggles out of it and allowed us to start thinking of this as a family project. That was the mental shift that gave us the idea to find our family helper, which as I said before, was totally life changing.
anonymama
Can you just make it the default that he does morning drop-off? Talk it over with him to set the schedule, then stay steady with it (e.g., confirm the night before that he will handle kids in the am, you will pick up, when you discuss it work from the assumption that he will handle am unless he specifically tells you that he cannot on a particular day, and maybe start leaving a bit earlier so you can get to work earlier to make up for leaving earlier in the evening.) It can also be his only time every day with the kids when he has to work late so often. If he was used to you taking care of these things when he was working, and he has a bit of a one-track focus on whatever is most pressing on his plate at the time, he might just need a little more of a nudge of what your family’s new normal is going to be, and hopefully once it is really routine he will not have as hard a time doing it.
OP
You know, that’s what it looks like to me, too. This conversation has been so helpful. We’ve been spinning around this for almost a year, but laying it all out and getting outside perspective made it seem pretty obvious that we should probably try him doing all morning, me do all evening, and see where that gets us.
OP
Also, it’s interesting to me that y’all don’t think my job is higher priority. I earn more money and carry all the health insurance and retirement (not an option at his job). I also have much greater earning potential (he has essentially none). We’d be up a creek without a paddle if I lost my job, so it makes sense to me that we should prioritize me keeping it. If our jobs were reversed, I’d still feel that the job that pays the bills and keeps us insured would be top priority. It doesn’t mean that he should do 100%, but it does mean (to me) that he should be more invested in giving me the hours I need to do my job and keep employed. I feel like we’re organizing our lives around one job to the detriment of the job we really need to maintain.
Truly, that’s interesting to me. Am I really asking for too much?
Anonymous
You have two working adults. I don’t actually see why you making more money means he has to sacrifice his job for you. I do think you’re asking for too much if what you want is him taking a backseat for you. Get a fricking nanny.
Lorelai Gilmore
I think you’re being really harsh, Anonymous. Her job is, objectively, more valuable to them as a family unit. There is a wide world of difference between acknowledging that her job is more valuable and asking him to sacrifice his job.
And anyone who thinks that getting a nanny is a panacea to the work-life balance challenges that OP is describing has clearly never had a nanny. As someone who has had multiple nannies, some wonderful, some not, as well as various other childcare arrangements, I will tell you that even with a nanny, being a parent and a full-time employee requires an enormous amount of logistics management and work.
CapHillAnon
+100
Anonymous
No, OP, I agree, your job is mostly definitely higher priority. I am very surprised by some of the comments.
Meg Murry
I think it also makes a big difference how much your cutback in hours are hurting. It is a priority to make sure you don’t get fired – yes, absolutely. But I interpreted it more as “I’m not racing up the career ladder as fast” – and I think it is important he gets a fair shot at his career too – but right now it sounds like you feel like he is putting his career way ahead of you and your family – and that is what I think is wrong. Not that he isn’t prioritizing your career over his – but that he isnt even trying to balance it out.
It sounds like you two need to have a “default parent” converasation when it comes to childcare, and a reminder that it’s not all on you.
Question – when he was ready to go so he was just going to leave – was it too early for daycare drop-off? Or was it just that the kids weren’t ready? Either way, I can see how you are upset that it always defaults back to you unless you otherwise ask him specifically for help.
OP
Good question. Kids weren’t ready. Daycare was open. It would have been too early for school drop off on a normal day, but school’s not in session today and our oldest is at the daycare.
CapHillAnon
Of course you have to prioritize your job over his: it pays the bills. This isn’t a question. It doesn’t matter what the gender of the person with job, but if that job pays the bills and provides health insurance, then that is the asset stream that deserves the most attention and protection. Just full stop. You want your family to be a Going Concern.
Can’t weigh in on your dynamic, but I do wish you luck.
Maddie Ross
Your comment now puts a different tenor on it – if you’re really at risk of losing your job, then yes by all means you should take that into consideration – but your question came at it from the point of view of “I make more, therefore I should call the shots” and my response to that is and will be, no it doesn’t mean that. If you two have made the commitment to have two working adults in the family, then you two together need to figure out how to make that work – the specific income potential and benefits of each should not matter.
OP
If that’s how the OP came off than I can understand the responses and apologize. I was trying to keep a long post from becoming an extremely long post, so in my attempt to be brief I apparently misrepresented the situation and my attitude.
Anonattorney
I agree that if you’re at risk of losing your job — or losing an expected raise or promotion — then the conversation changes. I should have had a softer tone in my earlier comment. It’s hard to just tell someone that their job is less important. In my situation, we have made specific plans and structured our lifestyle around the fact that I currently make a certain salary and expect that to continue to increase throughout my career. It’s not that my job is more “important,” it’s just that we couldn’t do what we’re currently doing (pay our mortgage, save for retirement, pay off student loans) if we were relying on his income.
I think the discussion with the husband is “my job currently provides for X, Y and Z. If we continue the way we have been, I’m at risk of having my career stagnate or losing my job. If that happens we can no longer afford X, Y and Z. I love you and I support you, but things need to change if we are going to maintain our current lifestyle/keep our house/continue with our retirement plans/expect to pay for kids’ college/etc.”
I don’t know. Maybe something like that.
Lorelai Gilmore
This happened to us. When DH went back into a full time job after several years away from the workforce, it was incredibly difficult. A few suggestions that have worked for us:
1) You need to negotiate the drop-offs and pick-ups and make a plan. If you don’t come up with an express arrangement, it sounds like he’s assuming you’re the default parent because you have more tenure in your job and more flexibility. Make a schedule. Make it stick.
2) Consider hiring an evening nanny. We have a “family helper” who picks the kids up twice a week from daycare, gets them home and fed, and puts them to bed. It is a life-changer. It gives each of us at least two nights a week to work late, which is hugely helpful. And even when I don’t have to work late, it spares me at least an hour of my day that I would otherwise spend doing the pick-up.
3) In the first year or so that my DH was back at work, he worked all the time, crazy hours. Once he’d been back in a job for 18 months or so, it was like it finally clicked for him and he settled into the job. He still really enjoys it and will work a lot at times, but he’s also learned to take advantage of the flexibility his job offers. It’s so hard at this stage when he’s trying to prove himself, but I suspect it will get easier in a year.
4) I am primary breadwinner. We both use that as an occasional reality check. It’s not a weapon and it’s not a power play. It’s a slight thumb on the scale.
5) Be very careful about maternity leave. My DH refused to take paternity leave and basically used my maternity leave as a way to work crazy hours ALL THE TIME. It was a very difficult time in our marriage – he felt like he was taking advantage of the time to work and investing in his career, I felt abandoned. There was truth and good intentions on both sides, but it was very tough to work through all of that. Please be assertive about the support you need. Just because you are home does not mean that you can be solely responsible for the household AND the kids and recover from childbirth and parent a newborn.
OP
Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to write this. Everything here is resonating with me.
In particular, it’s very valuable to hear that your experience changed at ~18 months. I thought I’d been patient at ~9 months, but hearing that it may be another 9 (rather than indefinitely) makes a huge, huge difference.
I’m bracing for maternity leave. It will be the first leave for which he’s been fully employed. We’re making arrangements, but it’s still going to be a challenge.
Grumpy Cat
Hire someone to help. A nanny. A housekeeper. A cook. Whatever it is, hire someone!
cavity maker
best long underwear? I am traveling up north a bit this winter and need to replace some worn out sets from Academy.
Maddie Ross
My favs are wool from Patagonia. So toasty!
Sick. And Sad.
You guys, I got hit with the flu yesterday. Typing this out is probably going to require a nap afterward. I had been fighting it off for about a week in the hopes of traveling from the east coast to CA this week to spend Christmas with my sister, her husband, and my parents. My parents live here but are already out there. I woke up yesterday barely able to breathe and with a fever, and it just got worse as the day went on. My flight was this morning, and I didn’t go. My family knows it was the right decision as I can barely get off the couch. I now have a flight to use to go somewhere within the next year. But I am so depressed now. And sick. And alone. Single, no kids. There is literally no one to take care of me, and now I have to get myself some groceries because my fridge is bare because I was planning on leaving. I’m hoping to get a bit of work done once I feel better, but getting through Christmas alone and sick is going to be hard. Any advice? Good movies to watch? Netflix shows to start? I was thinking of trying Breaking Bad (I am a TV-phile but it was one of those shows I just didn’t watch when it was on) but I think it might be too much right now. What makes it suck even more to me is that I never get sick. Haven’t had a cold in years. Got a flu shot for the first time this fall and BAM now I have the flu (I had read the shot wasn’t as good this year.)
Bah humbug.
Serafina
So sorry to hear that you are sick :(
Order delivery!
Marie
+1000 to delivery~ no advice, but sending lots of good thoughts.
YouSaucyMinx
Is your family at all tech-savvy?
When I was away from home for the holidays and feeling down, I Skyped my family so I could watch and take part in the festivities. It wasn’t the same as being there, but they literally sat the laptops at the dinner table, and I was talking and laughing with them while they ate dinner. It was fun!
Other than that, can you get your groceries delivered? A lot of chains do delivery, or you can do Fresh Direct or Amazon ships groceries too.
Binge watch crap TV, drink some wine, and get plenty of sleep.
excellence
PIck a good delivery place that has stuff like coke and gingerale and get a huge order to last you a few days. I think Uber currently is doing Uber essentials which can get you stuff like cold medicine and tissues. Im sorry you are missing Christmas it does majorly suck- try to frame it as a healing time- the good news is you wont fall behind in work because itll be slow there too.
Bonnie
+1 for delivery, whether from a restaurant or Peapod. Can you FaceTime into dinner? For shows, Hart of Dixie is perfect for sick days.
January
I got the flu after I got the flu shot a couple of years ago. So frustrating! If you can possibly get yourself to a doctor to get Tamiflu, do it – it should reduce length/severity of your symptoms. Understand that the fatigue will probably be the last of your symptoms to disappear. I hope you feel better soon.
PS – +1 to delivery. You probably will not have the energy to heat up a can of soup and then eat it.
Anonymous
Tamiflu!! Call your doc right now
anonsg
I recommend a Pixar/Disney movie marathon…Or Harry Potter.. I like TV/movies that don’t require me to think very much. haha.
And for the groceries bit – not sure if you live in an area where Amazon Fresh delivers, but that could be an option. Take lots of naps, drink lots of water, and hope you get well soon!
Mpls
I can confidently say that Noodles & Co has excellent chicken noodle soup. If you are in the Twin Cities, let me know.
Anonna
Mrs. Grass noodle soup and comedies on Netflix – Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23, Samantha Who, New Girl, Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, Greek. I am not a sitcom person but I was endlessly entertained by all of these. And sleep. Get some, eat a little, and you will feel better soon. Happy holidays!
lsw
Oh man, this sounds awful! If you’re in Pittsburgh I’d gladly drop off something for you! I live far from my family (four hour drive far, not cross-country far like you), and it is THE WORST when something like this happens and there is no one around to come help you. Any friends you can reach out to, even if it’s just someone to stop by with some soup on Christmas Day? If people have local family, I’m sure they could spare a little time. Sounds like time for delivery for sure, maybe a splurge on something you don’t normally get.
My only other advice is to NOT watch anything romantic/sentimental/sad. I recommended Orphan Black to someone else looking for a binge watch and I stand by that…or maybe a comedy like Psych, Parks & Rec, etc. No Lifetime or Hallmark holiday movies! :)
Hope you feel better soon!
Anonattorney
‘Tis the Season . . .
For bonuses!! What’s everyone doing with their bonus? I’ll go first: (1) pay off some debt; (2) contribution to Roth IRA; and (3) bank the remaining in emergency fund for new baby expenses. And then, maybe a weekend trip somewhere in January?
also an attorney
what bonus?
Pretty Primadonna
This. Lol.
Anonymous
I’m paying for a safe space for braggy people who just can’t help themselves. It will be located in Midtown and called the Stanvard Club.
Anonattorney
Cool! I can’t wait to go. I guess I was misinformed that this was a message board for professional women who work in industries that regular provide bonuses as part of a compensation package . . . . Nevermind!
Anonymous
It’s really tone deaf to phrase that as an assumption that everyone is getting a bonus. It’s pretty easy to reframe your question to be “hey anyone else get a bonus today? What are your plans for it?”
Anonattorney
And it’s more appropriate to write a mocking comment?
I apologize for not writing “What are ‘those who received bonuses’ doing with their windfall?” FWIW, my bonus is a fraction of what many women on this website get, yet I still think it’s fun and informative to discuss how to spend/save windfalls when you get ’em.
Anonymous
Yup. There are a wide range of posters here from nonprofit to biglaw and everything in between. We definitely do not all get bonuses. You obviously haven’t spent much time around here.
no bonus here
Um, I think everyone is overreacting… I don’t get (and have never gotten) a bonus, but her question didn’t bother me at all. It would have been different if she wrote something like, “Hey, I got my bonus today and it’s so much money that I don’t know how I will spend it all!!!” But her question was pretty neutral.
New Here
Deep breaths, everyone. Not every post is written for you or to you. Collapse, move on, and take your bitterness out elsewhere. This s! te is full of posts that often make broad assumptions about readership. Why start picking on someone now???
ETA: Not in fact new here. Old handle…
KittyKat
I wasn’t offended and I didn’t get a bonus. I actually got a company gift that I couldn’t use, even then I wasnt offended cause atleast my company thought of me
ac
Writing this down makes me feel like the boring working mom in her mid 30s that I am… :) I’m actually happy to be doing these things, but they are definitely not exciting!
(1) Paying off various debts that are at a low enough interest rate that it never seems like a priority to pay them off, including a chunk towards my lingering student loan debt.
(2) Setting aside a bit in savings for a home improvement this spring.
(3) Paying a chunk towards anticipated tax liability – thanks, AMT!
(4) IRA
(5) Maybe a snazzy new purse? Struggling to come up with a just-for-me bonus splurge.
hoola hoopa
LOL, change (5) to a treadmill and you’ll have essentially what this boring working mom in her mid 30s is doing ;)
Auto loan, padding the emergency savings account, IRA, treadmill. And I’m excited about it, haha.
ac
You have excellent taste, HH! One of my lingering loans was an auto loan, too, so even more similar. Enjoy the treadmill!
Anon - Personal
We will not be getting a bonus this year, as we have not made our hours, and do not want to have to lay off anyone. I have come to terms with this.
I appreciate all comments on the earlier thread about my boss, who was supposed to be getting divorced but is still seeing his wife, and now a first year associate. I assure you, this is not fun for me and it is difficult for me, as an attorney, not to track down exactly what happened (and is happening) as I have clearly been deceived by him. He did say, on multiple occasions, that I was the girl of his dreams, and that we would be together as soon as his divorce was finalized. Like a fool, I believed him and eventually let him into my heart because he seemed so sincere. It was not a physical thing for me, and now I am disgusted because it seems he said what he had to say, and did what he had to do to win me over. I just can’t understand why, now that we’ve been together for over 3 months, that he would literally turn me in for a younger model. He said he respected me for my intellect more than my physical attributes (which he also praised to the moon). So to be kicked under the bus now, at Christmas, seems especially cruel to me. I really do want to call this guy out, but know that would not accomplish much and would seal the end of my career at this firm, 3 years from partnership. I am venting here, because at least I have a sympathetic ear among friends who are similarly situated. My mom knows and she is fit to be tied because she met him. I have convinced her to hold her tongue. Thanks again.
Hollis
Didn’t have a chance to comment, but your situation is a painful one and I don’t think that staying at your firm long-term will be good for your day to day happiness. Have you considered looking at your options? I think you said you were a mid level or senior associate in corporate – there are tons of firms and in-house jobs for people in your year/practice. Good luck.
Killer Kitten Heels
You absolutely shouldn’t leave your firm if you don’t want to, but Hollis is right that you should at least look at your options – it sounds like this douchecanoe really threw you for a loop, and I am not sure I could keep working with the guy without smacking him if I were you. 2-3 years from partner is a perfect time to lateral – you’re experienced enough to be valuable, but still far enough away from partnership that you have plenty of time to establish yourself at the new place and still make partner “on time.”
Anonymous
This sounds faker and faker the more you write. What are you getting out of this?
Anonymous
Ummm this is clearly a variation on the Ellen theme: throwaway sentence about the post or thread’s topic, then a threadjack to a totally inappropriate workplace story, replete with outlandish characters and a completely unprofessional approach to whatever drama is at hand, wrapped all up by a consultation with one parent or the other and a high valuation of their opinion.
I can’t pinpoint it, but something about the syntax strikes me as Ellen-esque too.
January
I think you’re onto something… it’s Ellen without the crazy spelling.
Anonymous
The fact that people couldn’t see this with the original post boggles my mind. Its so obvious.
turnip
20% was automatically put into retirement accounts. Then 40% into my emergency fund and the rest went toward holiday spending (presents, etc.). My bonuses used to go to student loan debt, but I finally paid them off and need to catch up with emergency savings.
Anon
I got a bonus unexpectedly earlier this year and I just split it up between various savings accounts. I really rege t t ed that because I wanted to buy myself a pretty new bag last week but the cash was in savings and I feel guilty taking money out of savings.
Bonus
Using about 10% of it to buy myself two “presents” (our wedding video for our wedding next year and Taylor Swift concert tickets), using a small portion of it to pay off Christmas gifts (I spoiled my mom and my sister a bit this year), and then putting the rest in savings/investments.
anon2
I’ll play, as someone who was not offended. I paid off all of my grad school loans! Hooray for some freedom and being able to save for other things now!
Wanderlust
Congrats, anon2! that’s the dream…
Philanthropy Girl
I’m paying back my maternity leave benefits. Exciting no?
anon
I just wanted to send some support and hugs to anyone seeking work or without a place to go for the holidays or for those who can’t afford the traditions of the holidays. I hope you find a good netflix marathon or another way to support and care for yourself even when the tv and the public are full of yuletide cheer and such.
Blonde Lawyer
This is such a thoughtful post. A church in my state is doing a “blue mass” to acknowledge all of those suffering through the holidays and I think it’s an incredible idea.
Latte Tuesday
This is so thoughtful. As someone who has been orphaned and lonely in a strange country one sad Christmas, I think its so important to do what we can to help those who aren’t so merry- even things as simple as inviting an acquaintance over who has nowhere to go for a meal and some company, or sending a card or some food can mean the world.
Alana
Thank you for your empathy. I had a difficult time adjusting to a job-related move in which I knew nobody, and there was a low % of transplants, so very few adults were interested in meeting new people. What I wanted most for my birthday was a hug from someone who cared, but it wasn’t to be.
Wedding B.S.
What are your thoughts on inviting a very limited number (i.e. 50 ish, all of which are very close friends and family members) to a wedding ceremony, and then later that day holding the reception, where an additional 120 or so are invited? The etiquette of this probably varies regionally; I’m in the Pacific Northwest if that matters.
I’m getting married in three months. We pushed up the date to accommodate a very dear family member who is extremely old. Since it’s in 3 months, we don’t have a lot of time to save up money. Our budget is 20k and my parents are paying 15k of that. We wanted a smaller wedding. My parents want to invite everyone they know. I’m trying to compromise while staying in budget. We picked our venue already and are having the ceremony and reception in the same space. So logistically, it will be very difficult to seamlessly transition from ceremony to reception if there are more than 100 guests.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Anonymous
Don’t do it. It’s rude expensive and you don’t want to.
Anon
I’m in the PNW and I don’t see a problem with it. I’ve seen it done. Etiquette – IIRC – is that if someone is invited to the ceremony, they must be invited to the reception, so I think you’re ok doing it the way you’re intending.
hoola hoopa
+1
I’m also in PNW and ditto every word. I’ve been to wedding/receptions like this.
FWIW, IME with this scenario, the closest thing to hurt feelings on the side of the guests invited to the later reception is that they were sad to miss the ceremony. I think everyone will understand given the circumstances of why you are doing it, but one couple handled it by posting photos around the reception hall of their ceremony, which was well appreciated. A slideshow or video would be fun, too. Depends on timing, of course.
Anon
Earlier this year bf and I were invited to a friend’s wedding, and this situation happened. We were not invited to the ceremony, and only later found out at the reception, which we attended. It has been over six months since that wedding and bf is still rather upset about the situation, as it wasn’t explained to us why we were invited to reception and not the ceremony at the time. We later found out it was due to venue limitations, but it would have gone a lot better if we knew ahead of time.
The newlyweds weren’t even following theirs (and bf and my) respective cultural traditions of bride’s side vs groom’s side for ceremony/reception banquet, which made their invitation decisions all the more … questionable…
Anon
It doesn’t strike me as rude, but more just not cost effective as receptions are usually the expensive part (food, drinks, etc.). I’ve heard of events the other way around – everyone gets a ceremony invite but not a reception invite. I’d personally just scale it back to a number you’re comfortable with and tell your Mom that she can’t have invites.
new anon
FWIW, and acknowledging that maybe you’ve already thought of this, cutting people from the ceremony may not get you much in the way of cost-savings. We had could have doubled our number of ceremony guests (from 150-300) for probably less than $200, but adding any more than 5 folks to the reception would have changed the cost significantly.
If I’m off-base and this is really just about your preference for a small ceremony vs. your parents’ preference for a big celebration, then I think your plan is fine. I’d only caution you to be sure that the invitations are clear; I’d feel weird if I thought I was attending a wedding ceremony but discovered upon showing up that the ceremony had already happened. That, though, is exclusively about expectations and torally manageable by you.
Must be Tuesday
Is it possible to also rent another space at the same venue or very nearby in order to have separate locations for the ceremony and reception, allowing you to invite the larger number of guests to both the wedding and the reception? And would your parents pay for that option if they want all those extra guests, above and beyond your 50? I know they’re already paying a lot towards your wedding, but if they want so many people that you can no longer logistically transition from ceremony to reception in same location, maybe ask them to trim their list to a manageable number given your preferred arrangements and let them decide who is most important, or ask them to shoulder the additional costs above and beyond your intended budget brought about by the additional guests that they want to invite.
Monte
Poor form. It would be one thing if you only had 5 people at the wedding and then a party, but inviting dozens to the ceremony and a hundred more later just looks like a tremendous gift grab where you don’t value the reception guests enough to have them witness the vows.
Anonna
I feel like it’s all or nothing, in or out. It’s not nice to invite people to half of your wedding. Etiquette is supposed to be all about making people feel comfortable. I would be bummed out and feel like a loser to know that some of the guests to a wedding were invited to something else in which I was not included.
Miss Manners
The etiquette anywhere in the country dictates that this is not acceptable.
Anon
I’m the anon from above… it is acceptable. For years, people have had courthouse ceremonies and parties afterward. It’s not standard but it’s not rude. I don’t have my Emily Post handy but here’s a reliable source:
http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/invite-wedding-guests-to-party-not-ceremony.aspx
Fran
That doesn’t apply for 50 people wedding- you can do a cout houses wedding or just immediate family but if you are doing 50 at the ceremony you are saying these are my first tier guests and everyone else is second level. It is rude and it won’t really save you much money.
Latte Tuesday
Agree. I would find this insulting if I was invited this way. Courthouse/family only is acceptable- 50 people just means that you didn’t make the cut.