News Roundup for 2016

268 Comments

1. Yay Kat! I totally LOVED the Sally Krawchuk article on Linked In and remember when Dad told me that SHE should be my role model when she worked at Meril Lynch — she was Ed’s 5th line boss at the time. Now I see why she is so sucesful — she has a great education and got alot of great job’s. I realy can NOT call myself in the same leegue as her b/c I am onley a PARTNER at a LAW firm, and she is a board of director at companie’s that I could NEVER be unless the manageing partner helped arrange that for me.

   Sally give’s alot of good pointers to us women, telling us to make sure we get credit for what we do. That I have learned ON THE JOB with the Judge and the Manageing partner, so when I do something, I tell the manageing partner and he tells the cleint’s for me.

   These are great lessons everyone in the HIVE should read b/c it applies even if you are in business or in LAW, or even in MEDICINE. Do good, but do good for yourself at the same time, Dad says. I agree with Dad on this one. YAY!!!!!

2. Awesome underrated shirt from Nordstrom sale:

   No ruffles, awesome fit, machine washable, good drape, feels nice, could work with work clothes or jeans/leggings.

   http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/pleione-bateau-neck-long-sleeve-blouse/4413703?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=PINK%20SMOKE

   1. Looks nice but shapeless. Is it a more tailored or loose fit?

      1. I wear Pleione stuff with skinnier pants than I would usually wear to the office because the loose, flowy tops balance out the pants. Probably is shapeless, but I love my pleione stuff for being easy to wear even with less shape to them.

      2. I tuck in my Pleione blouses. I generally wear skirts and the blouses are too long and flowy otherwise.

      3. it’s looser, wouldn’t say shapeless. I tuck into skirts with no trouble!

         good pregnancy-hider if you’re into that!

3. I might repost this when everyone’s back because I’m not sure there will be that many who can answer this, but has anyone ever joined a ski club (one of those clubs based in a city that has its own lodge near the mountain)? I’m in the Bay Area and noticed a few ski clubs off the side of the road when I went to Tahoe last weekend. I had heard good things about them from a friend back in New Hampshire, but does anyone know if they’re fun/worth the money out here? I’d like to make a few new ski friends, but I’m not looking for a big party scene.

   1. I had no idea they were for adults. I did one in the Bay Area in high school! Probably worth checking out if you’re interested.

      1. Awesome! Which one did you do?

         1. Oh I probably wasn’t clear, it was through my high school, which was sadly so long ago I have no idea what it was called!

   2. My sister met her husband at one! In Baltimore, I have no idea the name…

4. Is anyone at work today? I feel like my secretary and I are the only ones in the office. I never get a parking spot this close.

   1. I am! But our office is definitely on the empty side. I am hoping that my boss does his usual pre-holiday 2 hour early dismissal today.

      I need to do fun things like go to the DMV.

      1. Annnnd, I’m out at 2:00 p.m. Love my boss.

         1. :/

   2. I’m in today. Friday before New Years’ plus snowstorm means that there are not many people around today.

   3. I am, but my office is technically closed this whole week.

   4. I am, and hoping that I can leave early!

   5. I’m here, hoping to duck out early — but my car’s at the shop so everything is an extra hassle. I’m grateful that daycare is open, even though I’m aggravated that they have yet another potluck today.

   6. I started getting sick yesterday and it fully embraced me today, so I stayed home. The rest of the week was really quiet in my office though. The positive side was that the subway has been much less crowded this week and the end of last week.

   7. Working from home. No one is answerting emails.

   8. I’m at work! So far I’ve drank coffee, returned makeup at Sephora, and am currently eating lunch.

   9. It’s my first day back after being away for about 8 days. And then we have Mon and Tues off. So… I’m not very productive.

   10. LOL. Yes, I’m at work today. It’s awesome. Our open office space has never been so quiet!!

   11. I am, because even there are only 4 people in the office they refused to formally close the office.

5. On a scale of 1 to 10, how awful is it to have your nanny come to take care of the kids while you lounge around this week? I’m in my first trimester so I feel awful all the time and not up to caring for the two others by myself. But I feel guilty taking a nap while she’s in there making them lunch, etc. I do let her come in late and have been letting her go early plus she got three additional days off before Christmas. Do other moms do this sort of thing or am I a horrible boss?

   1. You are FINE. Rosa has done this for year’s, even when she was NOT pregenant. Her nannys (previousley an AU PAIREs) did all the domestic things all day, leaving Rosa free to go to the gym and lunch with her freinds. Rosa WOULD drop the kid’s off at school some days when she wanted to go shoppeing, but the nanny has her own car for that purpose so that Rosa does NOT have to be sitting in the car waiting for the kids to come out after school. You do this b/c it will make you more relaxed, so that when your husband come’s home, you will be well rested and abel to interact with him better. Then after you have the baby, just add that to the nanny’s list of chores, so that you can be just like Rosa! YAY!!

      BTW, I have completed all 2016 billing, so I am able to sit here all day on the Internet w/o having to do any work! DOUBEL YAY!!!!

   2. Absolutely not awful, or if it IS awful, then I am awful. I am past the nanny stage, but I most definitely did this and not just when I was pregnant with #3! Have her take the kids to see Sing or Trolls or take them to an indoor playground. They’ll have fun, and you can rest.

   3. The first trimester sucks, and why shouldn’t you rest? Also, doesn’t she get paid for this? If you feel really terrible about it, play a game with them/take a walk/art project with them after your nap. Then take another nap after that. They are loved and cared for, so rest and recharge without the guilt.

   4. I don’t have a nanny, but I’ve definitely taken advantage of holiday camps, sitters, etc. to watch my kid when I have off for work. Besides, she wouldn’t otherwise be getting paid if she wasn’t there, right?

      1. Agreed!

   5. Zero – no guilt. First trimester is miserable, especially when caring for other children. You are taking care of yourself, and that is incredibly important at all times, but even more so when pregnant. For the first few years of parenting, I felt like I couldn’t put my kid(s) with childcare if there was anyway that I could care for them. I picked them up at the first opportunity and was loathe to put them in daycare when I had a day off. But, that just isn’t sustainable for me. In order to be the person, parent and spouse that I want to be, I need to take care of myself, run errands and be an adult without a small person hanging off of my leg sometimes. I have more patience with my kids, my husband and myself when I am rested and recharged. Its not a selfish, mean boss thing, it is respecting your own boundaries, and teaching that lesson is so important to kids too. So carry on and know that you are doing good for everyone. As for the boss aspect, I think this is a known part of being a childcare provider.

   6. If she’s ever been pg, she’d probably get it.

      But you’re sick (or “sick” or sick-ish). It would feel less well if you were on-site. If it feels more natural, make sure you keep a robe on. Robe to me certifies that you feel bad. Which you do.

   7. You are not “lounging”. You are making a baby!

      1. This. Think of it this way – you’re taking care of one kid while she has the others.

   8. I’m guessing she wouldn’t get paid if she had the time off, so unless she asked for the days off and you said no, I don’t see why she’d mind!

   9. Not bad at all. I’m home this week but kiddo is at camp in the mornings. Parents do need a break.

   10. Why on earth would you feel bad for paying your nanny for a service? Isn’t that what she’s there for?

   11. Why don’t you ask her what she needs? Maybe she wants the money!

   12. Keep a container to throw up in next to you and hold saltines in your hand and DARE anyone to make one snarky comment or give one nasty look. Take three naps and count yourself oh so fortunate that you have the resources to provide you with this support system. If you feel you must work, decorate the nursery in your mind.

   13. I’ve worked as a nanny extensively and trust me, that’s totally fine. I’ve worked for many stay at home mothers who did nothing while I did everything!

       1. We give our nanny this week off, so my husband is staying home with the kids right now while I am at the office. I offered to hire a college student or someone to help him, but he said he could handle it. In our neighborhood, most nannies get the last two weeks of the year off as paid vacation and at least one week in pay as a Christmas bonus. We give ours the week between Christmas and New Years off then a paid week during the summer.

          In your situation, I would have hired someone to help with the kids since asking my nanny to work this week would put me in the “bad boss” category in my neighborhood.

          1. That’s a good point actually – as a former nanny, I would have been PISSED if I didn’t get the usual two weeks off at Christmas. That was standard where I worked.

             1. Really? Two weeks?? How did working parents manage? That is nuts to me.

             2. That seems like the whole point of having a nanny – to avoid day care closures etc.

             3. The families I worked for typically took time off over Christmas and stayed home with the kids, or traveled as a family. Same with summer vacations – I usually got at least a week off over the summer, usually two.

   14. It even slightly bad. I had our nanny here for weeks after I had surgery. She can for a few hours everyday and I went and took a long nap.

       1. That’s supposed to say “not even slightly bad”

   15. She’s an employee, not someone who’s doing you a favor.

6. Where do you get drapes? Any wonderful online sources?

   1. West Elm. So, not wonderful but they look nice.

   2. Country curtains. Not very country really, but well made and has held up well.

      1. Ditto. They can do the installation, the measuring, provide decorating suggestions, advise on trim, mix and match the valances and sheers, supply you with rods, etc etc etc.

   3. JC Penney online. Huge selection and reasonable.

   4. See the Apartment Therapy website.

   5. Anthropology on sale (or regular but their home sales are frequent and great)

      1. Seconding this. Even on sale they were expensive, but my Anthro curtains get compliments ALL THE TIME and totally make the room.

         1. Links? Pics? I want curtain inspiration!

   6. Not drapes, but we LOOOOVE our Bali top-down bottom-up blinds. We got them from Costco and then paid a handyman $120 to put them up (there were like 15 windows or something).

   7. When we bought our house a couple years ago, we requested the previous owners leave their window treatments for the weird-sized kitchen windows and they left everything in all the rooms. That’s how we inherited really nice hardware (double rod system in almost every room) and super lux drapes from Restoration Hardware (silk taffeta with cotton lining) and Pottery Barn (linen). Luckily, the fancy stuff were in the main rooms and were neutral colored. We only had to replace the outdated, lesser quality curtains in the bedrooms and bathrooms.
      The drapes we purchased ourselves are from a combination of West Elm, Target, IKEA (good for sheers), and Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn on sale. My mom’s had luck with Overstock/Wayfair (be prepared to cull through 1000’s of products and really read reviews).

7. So it looks like I’m transitioning to a different work environment–new job, different field, different region. Until now, I’ve been in an industry that’s pretty anti-fashion. I’m moving to a non-profit that employs a lot of lawyers. I know that’s casual/not formal by this blog’s standards, but for me it means quickly learning all sorts of things about dressing. It is in a place with a higher COL than where I am now, and I want to focus on the job, not shopping, my first few weeks, so I’m trying to line clothes up now. I have so many questions.

   Can I make this skirt office-appropriate with the right tops? I don’t think a blazer works (does it?), but I’m afraid a sweater would be too casual. I have a sleeveless navy blouse, think i need something over it with sleeves. http://www.anntaylor.com/palm-skirt/402597?skuId=21034923&defaultColor=1246&prodId=402597

   If there are very formal events (infrequent, but def possible), could I use this bag, which I just got for $17.50? I’m on the lookout for the kind of very basic gown mentioned in this blog’s post on cheap black tie dressing http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/bp-jeweled-flap-clutch/4432670?cm_mmc=email_tran-_-122916-_-dtc_ship_confirm-_-productimg1

   The whole idea of jackets/blazers/structured sweaters is very new to me. They don’t feel fake or costume-y, I just have a hard time figuring out how to work them in, and so many work dresses are sleeveless. I don’t want to look ready for gardening, but I would like to show that i have a waist. There is a tuxedo jacket on sale at the Limited. I’m not buying it because the fabric is apparently bad, but could that be a work piece (if the fabric work better), or is it too $3xy? Related: how often can I wear a great jacket/blazer/structured sweater, with something different underneath it?

   1. I think you could wear the palm skirt with a navy jacket, or maybe even one in a contrasting color (burgundy?). A winter white jacket or camel one over your navy blouse would look good.

      Try a jardigan from MM La Fleur, or any “shawl” style jacket for a less formal way to convert your sleeveless dresses to office appropriate.

      1. Thanks! I wish this site had more dress suits, because the idea of something over a dress appeals to me, but I never know how to work the shapes of the two pieces. I’ll check out the jardigans.

         1. I’ll just add: make sure the palm skirt is long enough for the office. I realize the model in the photo is Very Tall, but it reads very weekend-short to me, and I’m a lawyer in an environment that is casual by this blog’s standards.

            Otherwise, provided it’s long enough, I think the advice you’ve gotten so far is good.

            I tend to avoid tuxedo style jackets due to the sheen that they often have. They don’t read “s*xy” to me, but do tend toward evening/non-work, for my office.

            Otherwise, I wear a lot of jacket/dress jacket/skirt combos. I try to make sure the jacket hits me at an appropriate point on my body when i am wearing it with a dress (i.e. I like the blazers I wear with dresses to be a little shorter). For my wardrobe (which is basically a large capsule wardrobe), I focused on neutrals for my jackets. I have a winter white, summer white, navy, black, gray, and black and white houndstooth. I also have a black velvety jacket i occasionally wear in the winter. My dresses/skirts/tops are where I bring in pattern. I have several patterned black and white skirts, a burgundy/wine colored skirt, matching black, gray, and houndstooth skirts (though I mix up the blazers), navy, and a really fun teal. I wear pants in black, gray, navy, and houndstooth. My dresses are mostly muted and have work-appropriate patterns. I don’t buy something if I can’t wear it multiple ways to work.

            As far as how often I clean my jackets — it depends. During the winter, when I am wearing sleeves under them, I do it maybe once a season. In the summer, if I am wearing them with sleeveless dresses/tops, I do it more often. But I am cleaning my jackets way less in my current job, because i mostly wear them in, for short court appearances, and for brief meetings. Otherwise, they hang out on the back of my chair or on a hanger behind my door.

            1. Thanks! Your wardrobe sounds a lot like what I’m picturing in my mind. I hope you post a lot.

               The skirt is on its way. If it reaches to just above my knee, I’ll start looking for a jacket to go with it. Otherwise, I like it enough to wear it for fun.

               My question about how often to repeat a jacket is less about cleaning (although that is helpful too) than about drawing negative reactions by “not changing clothes” (which I totally will–under the jacket). I gave an example in another reply.

            2. Can you tell me some good places to look for slightly shorter jackets to wear with dresses? I usually look for good deals, but would expect to pay a bit more for something I’d wear repeatedly for years.

               On the skirt, I’m thinking that the distance from the hem to the bend in the model’s knee should be about half of what it is for the skirt to work for work. Does that sound right to you?

            3. Oh, I don’t worry about repeating my jackets at work. Given that all my jackets are neutral, not terribly distinctive (no super intricate detailing, etc), I wear them whenever. I just change up all the other parts of my outfit. In fact, my black and navy jackets are currently living at the office on the back of my door (oops??).

               The length of the skirt sounds about right, if it hits where you are describing. My general rule is about 2 inches above the top of my knee at my workplace.

               Re: shorter jackets — how tall are you? I’m 5’4″, short waisted, and slightly pear shaped, so YMMV on what works, but I find that, given my waist proportions, I can often get away with a petite blazer (not pants or a skirt, sadly). I have a few petite blazers that I like for over dresses. They’re a little shorter than I like for pants, but since I am mostly wearing skirts/dresses to work at the moment, it works out.

               I should also ask — are there regional considerations? I.e. are you moving from New England to the South, etc? I’m in the outskirts of the DC metro, so some of our fashion norms are different than other regional norms.

            4. I might 5’8″, around 150 lbs.
               I’m moving from a casual, warm-weather environment in the south to a four-season area of Germany near Holland and Belgium.

            5. That’s a really big cultural shift, and in fact might have the biggest impact on your wardrobe changes. Have you visited the offices to see what others wear there? From the perspective of working for a F500 co (so not academia or nonprofit) there are definite differences in level of formality between regions and countries.

               You may benefit from googling about expected business dress in Germany, sometimes overseas input is very useful.

               My personal experience:
               EMEA is most formal, with Western Europe topping the list.
               North America next
               South America
               APAC less so, likely due to weather

               What this means in a practical sense to me:
               In Europe I dress 1-2 levels of formality higher than in US (California, bus casual environment). So for normal workdays, I always have a suiting blazer in the EMEA office over a dress or skirt/top combo in dressier fabric. In CA that would be blazer optional, or in less formal fabric (like ponte) and same with dress or tops, which can be nice knits.

               I have rarely seen prints done in the office in Europe (except for pinstripes or very subtle windowpane, but even those are considered less formal). I would hesitate to wear that skirt in Germany in the office but not in CA (with appropriate tops as others have suggested).

               As a generalization, Europeans also dress quite nicely and look put-together even in casual environments. I always try to dress “up” a couple notches by adding a nice silk scarf or tasteful piece of jewelry and feel like it helps me to blend in.

               Older men may have specific ideas about dress too– one that I have seen/heard is that business dress is suit, white collared shirt with solid tie. Business casual is same, with a non-white (including patterned) shirt but still with tie. Obviously differs quite a bit from bus casual as defined in the US.

               All this to say– you may want more data points than a blog with a primarily North American-centric readership.

               Congratulations on your new role and all the best!

            6. Thanks! I’ve lived in the country I’m headed towards several times before, so office culture feels like a bigger obstacle to me than the other. A huge part of why I’m going is that I feel like I fit in there better than where I live now.

   2. The bag works for formal events. The skirt is ok if it hits longer on your leg than on the model. Both a sweater and blazer would look fine with it.

      What do you wear now that the idea of jackets and structured sweaters are new to you? Some more information on what you have and where you are going would be helpful. Being anti-fashion does not mean being anti-business appropriate.

      1. Thanks. I like that purse, but it’s so far outside my norm I feel like I need “permission” to carry it.

         I’m a professor in a social sciences/humanities field. My discipline has gotten less male-dominated since my PhD program in the early 90s, but there is still often the perception that “smart” and “attractive” are mutually exclusive. Conferences are a sea of khaki, and teaching attire is expected to be dowdy. Sweaters are more likely to have rounded shoulders and blouson folds than structure. The move towards business attire at some universities is generally seen as an attack by the admins on academics who are doing the work. Enough on that topic; let’s get back to blazers

         In my head, any kind of jacket worn with a skirt that hits above the knee should go down just past the top of the hips. Does that sound right?

         I have a cobalt blue sleeveless fit n flare dress from Talbots and a Jones NY sundress (no scoop neck in back, front neckline is not low) that has cream ,grey & yellow. I think they both go well with my Jones NY jacket that is marled blue & tan/cream. Could I wear both in the same week, or do. most people space their jackets out further than that?

         1. I wouldn’t wear that jacket more than once a week or even every other week, since it’s not a plain, solid jacket; articles of clothing with notable colors/patterns should generally be worn only once a week or so. If it was plain black, you could get away with wearing it twice.

            I’m trying to picture the proportions you’re describing and I think they’re about right. Shorter jackets with skirts, longer jackets with slacks, generally speaking.

            I don’t think academic needs to look dowdy. There are definitely professorial style cues (long cardigans, tweedy materials, earthy colors, messy chignon, block heels) that can be executed in a way that’s extremely put together, which is really a matter of how well your clothes fit, the proportions of an outfit, and how the clothing is maintained. There’s a fantastic book called How To Get Dressed that I can’t recommend enough! It sounds like you would appreciate a knowledgeable, somewhat intellectual analysis of how to make personal style happen :)

            1. I will look that book up. Thanks!

               You are right, of course, that there are academic looks that are more pulled together. I think those tend to be in the business and law schools, and at some humanities conferences. In any event, that is not how I’ve been dressing. Part of that is the department, part of it is probably that my body is at a point where finding clothing that looks good requires more careful consideration, so I am paying more attention to style than I used to.

            2. I hear you on that!! I used to get away with stretchy fabrics with no lining, because who cares if they cling! They clung so well! Now I’m much pickier about finding well-fitting, structured, lined garments. It’s taking a lot of up front research and investment, but I think it will continue to get easier as I get the hang of it and have the basics down. The book I referenced helped me a lot.

         2. I just went through the move from a very casual environment to something closer to the formal end of business casual, so I will give you my thoughts on what worked for me! I got several knee length dresses with sleeves (MM Lafleur mostly) and a couple of hip length slightly blazers (navy and grey) and 2 wrap dresses for more casual days. I paired them all with 2 pairs of structured flats and 2 pairs of heels and that was my work wardrobe. I had 2 sets of accessories (silver locket, CZ studs, silver watch; pearls jewelry, same watch) and basically stuck with one of the 2 accessory options most days. 1 structured tote in a neutral colour that I used every day. Everything was grey, navy, maroon or a soft pink. It was an awesome capsule wardrobe, I didn’t have to think at all, and got me through spring summer and fall. Winter brought new challenges with pants and stockings and boots that I am still trying to figure out!

   3. *if the fabric were better

   4. Allow me to sing the praises of dresses with sleeves! You never have to ask “does this work with this?” (except, arguably, with shoes/tights) because there’s only one piece! I pretty much exclusively wear dresses with sleeves to work, year round, because of giant artsy tattoos and because it’s so damn easy. For comparison purposes, I work in California (but not somewhere hip) at a mid-size not-for-profit with a two-person legal department. My boss, a man, wears patterned buttoned shirts and slacks every day.

      One of my favorite dresses is on sale right now — look on Nordstrom for the Ellen Tracy Seamed Ponte Sheath. It might be a little dressy for every day, but it’s such a nice dress and I feel so put together when I wear it. I sort of ‘save’ it for big meetings, esp. on the road since it travels well. Also on sale right now at Nordstrom is the Tahari Seamed A-Line Dress and the Vince Camuto Crepe A-Line dress in a gorgeous hunter color. When I wear simpler solid dresses like that I often make them more fun with a brightly colored scarf, but if I don’t have the mental energy, just the dress is fine. I’ve had my eye on the Tahari Bi-Stretch Sheath Dress at Nordstrom forever but it hasn’t gone on sale yet. If I want to look more casual, I go for a print. My fav brands for that are Maggy London and London Times (which are actually the same brand in more expensive and cheaper incarnations). Like 6pm currently has a London Times Floral Print Elbow Sleeve Dress that I’m considering (but I’m wondering if I’m floral-ed out).

      1. Dresses with Sleeves!!!!! The unicorn work item beloved by busy ladies everywhere!!

         I just bought the Ellen Tracy in that yummy green color. Thanks for the tip!!

         1. Yay I hope you like it as much as I do!

      2. Those dresses all look really nice! I’m pretty picky about fabric, generally don’t do well in acrylic/polyester (although workout clothes are OK), and am allergic to wool. I usually look for at least 65% cotton, or silk.

   5. I think the palm skirt is too short for the office if it fits you like it fits the model.

      The clutch purse is meant for formal events so it’s fine.

      You can wear a basic colored blazer that fits you well in a neutral color over and over and no one will notice.

      Overall I would get just a few things now and fill in your wardrobe as you work there and get to know the office.

   6. One more jacket question–how tailored is too tailored/how many darts/seams can it have?

      1. There are no rules. You are making too much of this, really. In a business setting, do not show your inner thighs, cleavage, or armpits (to be on the safe side.) Other than that…it’s really variable. I wish I could give you better advice but your questions are so … scattered? I am having a hard time understanding you. You sound agitated though, and really you should calm down and rejoice that you have a new job that you are excited about!! Woohoo!

         Wait, I thought of something: you should wear what looks good on you. What clothes do you like to wear now, and why? What colors and shapes are you drawn to? Answering these will help going forward.

         1. If I sound scattered it is because, as mentioned above, I have until now been in work environments where looking too pulled together was a negative. The specific question on tailored tops comes from comments I’ve seen on here about jackets that I thought looked nice.

            I’m not agitated, don’t know where you’re getting that. I’m waiting for the final, forma confirmation, so maybe am more tense than I realize, or maybe my excitement comes across as agita to you.

            The color I’m most drawn to is deep indigo blue/purple. In my younger days, I favored flowy skirts that went to halfway between my knees and my ankles. I want something with a bit more shape now. This is a good juncture to reset my look, but I want to do it right the first time. I’m not working now and have time to shop carefully.

            I need to find some of those sites where I can send in pix of myself and ask what people think of the outfit.

            1. Ok. Check out the website youlookfab.com. Angie is a stylist and has a forum where everyone posts pictures and gets feedback. Another place you might browse is the fashion section of polyvore. Search for “business wardrobe” or something like that.

               Also, if you start a pinterest board of looks or items you like, that may provide a way to clarify your ideas, as well as allow others to look at it and get a better idea as to where you are going.

            2. I am late (apologies), but maybe you could still read this comment. I live in the Netherlands and work in something between academia and government.

               My impression is that in Europe you can get away with repeating clothes. It’s also less about patterns and pops of colour. However, the problem is that you need to know your specific industry, office and region. I understand that you do have time to shop now, but you really shouldn’t. I’ve done that before my first job (after the interview), but people dressed way less formal on the daily basis. I didn’t get much use of these items and had to purge them. You could plan a small capsule wardrobe though and do some general work-fashion research online. Think which items from your current wardrobe you can keep, which colours and clothes work for you. Are you more about skirts and dresses or pants? Personally, I find dress wardrobe very chick and versatile – having 8-10 dresses (preferably with sleeves) and 3 blazers is more than enough. You don’t need that many clothes, just things that you can mix and match! They should fit you well, but price and tag aren’t important either.

            3. Thank you! It sounds like you in a place (geographically and work-wise) close to where I’m headed. Your numbers are pretty much what I’m thinking of acquiring. When I lived in Northern Europe before, I was in a much more casual environment (IT), but I did learn to dress warmly, even in dresses.

8. After I read your post yesterday, I wanted to share a bit about my inhouse job hunt and offer some words of encouragement.

   It took me over 3 years to find an inhouse job. I was in biglaw and would do anything to go inhouse. That anything turned out to be a lot of heartache and tons of networking. Being an introvert, I had to really push myself on getting myself out there.

   But it worked: I landed my in house job through a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. That’s right, 5 degrees away. The funny thing is, I almost stopped at the 4th degree friend because the initial 5th degree contact he had introduced me to worked in a different part of the legal department. I very awkwardly asked him if he might know anyone else. and it was that second 5th degree contact who introduced me to the hiring manager. Needless to say, I couldn’t be more grateful to all the folks who helped me along the way.

   As the Hive has written in the past, it’ll happen exactly how it’s supposed to. In the meantime, keep expanding your network, reach out to folks you know or who know folks in the companies you’re interested in, and keep pushing through.

   I realize it is difficult to go through this process, but you are doing much better than I was when I was applying for jobs. You’ve been looking for jobs for the past few months and have already gotten multiple interviews! It was only during the last year of my job hunt that I managed to even accomplish that.

   Happy to chat further if you’d like/if you need to talk to someone who’s been in your shoes.

   1. Thank you so much for posting this! I just emailed this to my boyfriend, who is in the midst of a similarly intense job hunt (trying to switch from non-profit work to something in compliance), and is an introvert who’s at coffee networking with an old law school classmate as I type this :)
      I’m so glad your persistence paid off!! Congrats.

      1. I’m someone working in compliance looking to switch to something in non-profit work! LOL

         1. LOL! Grass is always greener, eh? Mind if I ask why you want to get out of compliance? I could write a novel about why he wants to get out of non-profit…

   2. I am currently in-house, but I need to find a new position as quickly as possible. I was hired as a full-time contractor as contract-to-hire 18 months ago. After I met my minimum hours to convert without paying a fee, I asked if/when they would convert me to a full time position and have yet to hear anything back since asking this question in October (boss also ignores phone calls from the placement agency). Despite this, I am still given more work and responsibilities and they have not been looking for a replacement for me. I HATE being a contractor and not getting paid holidays, PTO, benefits, bonuses (and stuck on a stupid time card) yet doing similar work as the other attorneys. I realize I could force the issue, but knowing the senior attorneys here, nothing changes in this department unless I am ready to walk and I can’t afford to lose my income during what could be a long job search.

      At this point, I don’t want to stay at this company as a full time employee based on other culture issues in the department and company, but I don’t want to leave until I have a new position. I have contacted my network and recruiters, but I know that in-house job searches take time. It is so difficult to be stuck in this role in the interim.

      1. I feel your frustration. Since you already work inhouse, I would think that gives you a major advantage in your job hunt since you know how to interact with business folks and understand the skill of on-the-spot advice to clients.

         One thing that helped me during the process — and something that I only realized at the tail end — was to figure out who the hiring manager was and then work backwards from that. For the companies you’re interested in, is it possible to glean who the person is that’s hiring for the job? Either through the posting itself, contacts in the companies, or even LinkedIn? I found LinkedIn to be especially useful when trying to determine who the hiring manager was.

9. I tried to use euphemisms and avoid trigger words, but my post got caught. Arg

   Please be on the lookout for advice on starting a work wardrobe before a switch to a different job, field, place, and climate!

10. Recommendations for an online source for good quality holiday wrapping paper? We’ve finally gone through the last of our terrible wrapping paper and I’m hoping to pick some up on sale!

    1. Cost Plus World Market has pretty holiday wrapping paper on discount online right now.

       Though, I love the premium wrapping paper for all occasions at TJ Maxx – really beautiful foil lined stuff for cheap.

       1. +1 to TJ Maxx! I found the most beautiful wrapping paper there. It was really inexpensive but was very a nice heavy paper. Probably some of the best wrapping paper I’ve ever bought.

          1. Another +1 for TJ Maxx – best price and quality paper I’ve ever found. Get the single rolls though – I’m not confident the multipacks are as nice

    2. My mom found some really cute wrapping paper at Target. Not too thin and it had the gridlines on the back for easier measuring. She got it in the store though, not sure how much they sell online.
       My favorite wrapping paper was the Sally Foster line that schools used to sell for fundraisers. Its sadly discontinued and I’ve not found a replacement.

       1. I second Target. I bought tons before they went out of business in Canada. Fun prints and love and gridlines.

    3. Home Goods has some great options!

    4. I’m really into wrapping paper. Like, for me, picking the paper and card and using real ribbon and unique ornaments is just as important as the item being wrapped. (So sad that I just got an invite for a baby shower that said times are different, don’t wrap the gift). Anyway, I was blown away by the selection at the Container Store when I was there looking for something else. Too bad I didn’t need anyway. Great design!! High quality. Beautiful. Stylish, sophisticated.

    5. Current catalogue. Their rolls have think paper so wrapping is easy and folds lovely. Lots of paper on each roll. For those of you who remember the … you have to buy so many items to make an order … that is OVAH. You can buy 1 or a million things. Can’t say enough. Used them for years and years. Everyone asks about my paper.

11. I have a Keurig at home that I use on a daily basis. I have tried Green Mountain Coffee, DD, and numerous other brands. To me, it feels like the coffee I make at home is not as strong as the coffee that I can purchase at work (drip Green Mountain coffee). Is this a brand issue, Keurig/K-Cup issue or something else? Any recommendations for strong K-cups?

    1. Get a nespresso. They’re on sale right now and so much better than the Keurig. I tried unsuccessfully to find even a semi decent keurig pod and never did. The nespresso ones are a million times better.

    2. Kirkland dark roast. Medium roasts are too weak for me.

       1. +1

    3. Personally, I buy my own beans and use reusable K-cups (you can find them on Amazon). Not sure if this is an option for you (for a period of time I believe Keurig was making machines that were not compatible with these reusable K-cups). You might also want to try brewing smaller cups of coffee.

    4. Or get a reusable K-cup and fill it with the coffee you like in the amount you like. Use a strong French roast or even espresso roast, fill the pod all the way, use the smaller cup size for brewing.

    5. I believe the keurig cups include instant coffee plus some that’s semi-brewed? So it’s a defect of the keurig cup technology that they don’t actually taste like brewed coffee. It approximates coffee but doesn’t replace it. Also, they are fairly low in caffeine content.

    6. I buy Death Wish Coffee k-cups on Amazon. The marketing is a little over-the-top (“The world’s strongest coffee!”), but it is stronger and better than most k-cups, which always taste the same to me. And I will only brew the smallest cup size. More water just makes it weaker.

    7. I set it to only brew 8oz so it’s not watered down.

12. Wedding dress accessorizing help please!

    I’m wearing this dress (link to follow). I bought these earrings and necklace (link also to follow). My mom thinks the necklace ( a fairly simple pendant) is not right with the neckline of the dress. Thoughts? TIA!

    1. http://www.bhldn.com/product/bella-gown

       1. Just wanted to chime in and say I love this dress! How fun that it’s a two-in-one!

          1. thanks! that’s what drew me to it as well!

       2. I am going to dream about this dress tonight. You have great taste, and I think the necklace will probably look great, but it’s impossible to tell without seeing them together.

    2. http://www.bhldn.com/shop-the-bride-bridal-jewelry-necklaces/lettice-pendant-necklace/productoptionids/2cfdddea-ce77-41fb-bdf9-1bdcb7ca63f8

       http://www.bhldn.com/bride/lettice-drop-earrings/productoptionids/a6b3b5d4-b30d-4f80-9a6a-f95eda786957

    3. What I think is that it’s your wedding. Even if your parents are paying for it, as per tradition, this is your (plural–including spouse) day and should fit your vision, as long as you aren’t being petty or outlandish.
       But I also happen to think that necklace is a good choice for that dress.

       1. point taken! we are paying for the entire thing, as it so happens. but I generally trust my mom on matters of taste. I’m happy to hear that you like the necklace with the dress! I see her point that a chunkier necklace or less of a pendant-style might look good, but I’m frankly tired of shopping and don’t want to pay more than $100 for the necklace. also, I like the earrings, and the necklace matches!

          1. It looks like a beautiful necklace and I love the dress. My wedding dress had a similar neckline and I wore a simple pendant that looks like it was a little smaller than the one in your link. I will say that my necklace did get a little lost in photographs, so take that for what you will. I think that yours will stand out more because it’s on the larger side. If you love the necklace / earrings, wear them and be happy!

    4. It’s hard to say without seeing it in person, but the page for the necklace includes a picture where it’s worn with a similar style dress and I think they look great together.

       And it’s a beautiful dress!

       1. thank you!

    5. Congrats on your wedding!!

       I feel like the neckline on your dress is low and simple, so I don’t see this necklace posing a problem with the neckline. (I personally, however, like the look of the shorter necklace that is in the picture styled with the dress, but I think that is just personal taste as I like larger jewelry.)

       I just got married in October, and I would recommend, if your budget allows it, to have a few different pieces of jewelry on hand for the day of the wedding. That’s what I did, because really, I found it was hard to tell if I was going to like the way it looked all put together with the hair, makeup, dress, and accessories until I saw it all on together the day of.

       1. that is a great idea, thank you! And as I get closer to the wedding, I can always return things if I don’t wear them. I also may ask a family friend if I can shop her jewelry collection- I was concerned that if I didn’t find anything I liked, she might be offended, but maybe I’ll just preface it with the fact that I need options and probably won’t decide til the morning of.

    6. I think it looks great. That dress is gorgeous! Love it. The necklace is a simple pendant, but it appears to be a substantial size, which i think will look great with the dress and earrings.

       Story time. I bought a necklace that I loved in advance of buying my dress in hopes that it would work and brought it along when trying dresses on. My stepmom hated the necklace and offered to buy me a different one on more than one occasion. The necklace in my case was a large statement necklace made up of stars, which fit the general theme and look of our wedding. We get along really well but sometimes she has really strong opinions on certain things. I wore the necklace I loved and she actually later said that it looked great in the end.

       1. thank you! I have an opinionated stepmom as well as an opinionated mom, so it should make for an interesting wedding day :)

          1. Good luck! Luckily for me, the necklace was the only thing that anyone had a strong opinion about. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

    7. For me, it’s either big necklace or big earrings but not both. If your mom wants you to wear a more substantial necklace like the one pictured with the dress, you’re going to have to ditch then dangly earrings. If you want to wear big dangly earrings (a good choice if your hair is up) then I would go with no necklace.

       1. Look at the photos of the models wearing your earrings. They aren’t wearing necklaces.

    8. What a gorgeous dress! I think the necklace is beautiful, but I agree with the poster who said either big necklace or big earrings, but not both. I also prefer to stay away from pendant necklaces when photographs are being taken; somehow the pendant always looks crooked to me. And even if it’s not crooked, you don’t want to be worrying about whether it is centered. If you love it and decide to wear it, perhaps you could use double sided tape to keep it in place?

13. Yay! My post requesting advice on clothes for new everything is out of moderation. Please scroll up, read, and comment.

14. Just found out my landlord wants to sell my place. I love the place and have lived here for years, but this was unexpected. She is offering it to me at a discount if I want it.

    The caveat: it’s a one-bedroom. It’s been great for me in the city and I don’t need more room, but we’ve all heard how you shouldn’t buy a one-bedroom because of resale value… is this really a thing? I live in a major city near public transportation in a great location. I can’t imagine not being able to sell the place someday.

    Anyone buy a one BR and live to regret it? I fear buying a 2BR as a knee-jerk reaction and then thinking it’s just unneeded expense and space.

    1. I bought a 1br, and I love it. It depends on where you live, and it sounds like your location is good for this. I live in DC and I’m not concerned. I guess it also depends on if you expect your personal situation to change soon- move in with a bf, get married, have kids?

    2. I have never heard this. Frankly, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity to get yourself a place with incredible opportunities to rent out yourself, if someday you do need more room and don’t want or can’t sell. Who WOULDN’T want a place in a major city near public transit in a great location?

       1. Re: who wouldn’t want this – someone who could pay another couple hundred a month for a two bedroom? If that’s not the case in your market then go for it.

    3. Well, it depends on your area. If you live in a city like New York or SF, then it’s perfectly fine. If you live somewhere that is less insanely expensive where it’s the norm for families to live in your neighborhood or where people would never fathom sharing a bedroom with someone else as an adult, then it would be a bad decision because the pool of prospective buyers would be much smaller.

    4. Where do you live? I don’t think the same advice applies for one bedrooms in major cities as it does in more LCOL areas. This is really dependent on your market.

       1. This is in Chicago.

          1. One bedrooms are still hot here. If it is in a good location and near public transport that is awesome. I’d go for it. I’d also offer your landlord a lower amount, as he will save on a HUGE hassle trying to sell the apartment on his own, and he will save the % that the realtor gets by selling straight to you. This is a huge savings.

             I am in Chicago, and am in an identical situation as you, and am also thinking of buying my place.

             Do you have any idea about how long you might want to live there? For me, I may move in a few years, so the numbers don’t actually work that great for me and I could lose money on the place due to closing costs etc.. So that’s what is holding me back.

             Do NOT buy a 2 bedroom just for resale. Not necessary at all in Chicago. And 2 bedrooms means a lot more $$ – higher taxes, higher furniture/maintenance costs, higher utilities etc.. Just no need.

             Be frugal, and retire early!!!!

             1. Did you include moving expenses for a temp place when you compared [rices of staying/buying and moving/renting?

    5. A one bedroom in San Francisco would sell in a flash. A one bedroom in the suburbs outside of Denver might be difficult to move. Which do you live in?

    6. Yup, I live in Beacon Hill in Boston, and 2BR are about $3K, and 1BR are 2500-2800. There is little reason to get a 1BR when you can have (i) a roommate; (ii) a 2BR and an office; (iii) a nursery; or (iv) have the option to rent out an extra room AirBnB-style, if you need more space. So at least where I live, this sentiment is common.

       1. But most of us don’t want a roommate or to rent out our home that we are living in on AirBnB. There are also a bunch of restrictions on AirBnB in Chicago, and some condo associations wont allow it.

    7. This doesn’t make any sense. Is the value of 1BRs supposed to always be dropping?

15. I am extremely disappointed at work from last two weeks. I worked very hard all this year and took on big impact projects. Two weeks back, I checked with my manager if there is possibility of a promotion this year, she said probably not. She was not going to push for it. She said half of the work I did was at my current level which I disagree. Her defense is she has higher standards, her mid level employees perform at the level of senior level employees in other teams. So even when objectively I perform at senior level, by her standards I am still mid level. The other half of the work was at next level, however she wants to see if I perform at that level throughout the next year or even more.
    People who joined our company after me who don’t have big accomplishments in their name are ahead of me in hierarchy now and getting paid way more than me with higher level benefits. I am languishing at this level with no significant salary increases. I have absolutely no motivation to work. I just want to quit but cannot because of lot of personal reasons. I just feel so trapped and exhausted.

    1. Ask for her for discrete and objective examples of what would get you promotion-ready. While you may not agree with her, your opinion won’t get you promoted, your manager’s opinion will. What is it that other employees do that you can emulate?

       1. I have asked that at the beginning of the year. She said I just have to do whatever she asks me to do.She said she cannot say if I complete certain things she will promote me. She had she had a bad experience before when she did that to another employee and he fought with her for promotion at the end of the year after completing whatever she said would fetch him a promotion. She doesn’t want to get into that situation again. So she is purposefully vague.

          She accepted that I was her key performer, I excelled in every project/task, I understood her vision and worked very efficiently etc etc. I just felt all that was BS when she is not willing to recognize it with increase in title and pay.

       2. Also..she said there is nothing I need to improve. I just have to keep doing whatever I am doing.

          1. I understand your manager’s position in that she can’t promise you a promotion but it’s I agree that it’s not fair that she’s being vague. Time to look for a position at the next level up in another group. A manager that won’t fight for you is not worth being loyal to.

             1. At some point, I would love if you could talk more about that last sentence, or refer me to a book that discusses it, and how to navigate this kind of situation. I wish I knew earlier the truth of this statement, but I have never figured out how to get myself out of these situations.

    2. You need to move out of that group. Some people are just jerks and it sounds like working for her won’t get you ahead.

       1. I can quit the group right this minute and take up another job. However, I have to learn the other work and prove to that manager again that I am worthy of a promotion. I have already worked for her for two years. Last year, I didn’t even bring it up because I had spent some ramping on the job. If I move now, she will do the review and pay raise decision for me as I worked for her the entire year. She will have no incentive to even give me a decent pay rise.

          1. You need to look around for a job that is at the next level to which you should be promoted. Talk to the other manager with the understanding that you’d be hired on as a promotion. You don’t need to work for them for a few years before bringing up a promotion, that is crazy. You should also look externally.

             1. I did speak to another manager for a transfer with promotion. However, he said my current manager should recommend me for a promotion, then he can hire me at the higher grade. It is the way HR has set up the rules. I will look externally as well. I have personal issues due to which I want to stay in this company and place for next couple of years. We don’t have many other employers here and I will have to move to find an external job and that has too many complications. I have deliberated long and hard on this before as well and decided it was in my best interest to stay in this place (not necessarily company). I have not bought a house here precisely because I want freedom to move out of this place easily.

          2. To be blunt, you sound like you think you’re entitled to a promotion just because you worked hard. When your boss says “she has higher standards, her mid-level employees perform at the level of senior level employees in other teams”, she is telling you that you are not performing as well as other team members. It’s one of the crappy realities of the working world. If you’re doing “A” work, but someone else on your team is doing “A+” work, then they are going to get promoted ahead of you. If five people are doing A+ work, they are all going to get promoted ahead of you.

             You say other people who have joined the company later have been promoted. Either your company is completely irrational and arbitrarily promotes people, in which case you should either leave or just accept it, or those people are actually doing something you’re not, and you should find out what it is.

             1. If other people in my team are doing A+ work, then she should have given me examples of how I can improve and become an A+ employee. Her response was to keep doing whatever I am doing which is exceeding her expectations in every task/project without any expectations of a promotion. She has some triggers (which she will not tell me and be vague) which prompts her to promote me.
                I work for a big company with many departments. Managers have a lot of power (almost sole person) determining promotion, pay raises etc. If you work for some one who advocates for you and who has reasonable standards and who want their employees to come up will promote people. Unfortunately I ended up under my current manager due to circumstances totally not under my control.

    3. Can you talk about financial comp w/out title bump?

    4. I agree with Godzilla…your manager is not willing to fight for you. That is probably why she is being vague – she doesn’t have any concrete suggestions to offer you because she does not intend to promote you. She admittedly scr3w3d over your colleague by promising if he did X, she would promote him to Y, and then when he delivered X, she didn’t follow through. I don’t see how that is a “bad experience” for her aside from being caught out as a liar. Godzilla also makes a valid point that this is not the type of manager to be loyal to. If your manager won’t help you move up, it is time to move out. Focus on finding an opportunity that would financially “make up” for whatever you estimate you have lost or are going to lose by not getting the promotion/raise you were expecting. Frankly your manager sounds incompetent at best, malicious at worst. Cut your losses and find a better situation.

16. Anyone have a recommendation for a psychic in the DC area? I’m a bit surprised to find myself curious about this option, but recently I’ve read several memoirs where people mention visiting psychics, I’m feeling quite unsure about how to navigate the end of the my 30’s (with its last gasps of hope for the family life I feel called to), and am feeling a strong presence of my grandmother. All of which is leading me to think…find a psychic! So, lovely ladies, any suggestions?

    1. Well I’d forgotten until now that Miss Cleo died this year and now I’m sad again.

    2. Another option would be a tarot reader. There are some interesting approaches to tarot as a sort of guided, interactive meditation practice out there, which doesn’t necessarily require to trying to make sure you find someone you believe *actually* has supernatural powers vs. is *pretending* to have supernatural powers. In fact, even if you believe that the tarot accesses something supernatural, you don’t have to believe that the reader has some kind of special abilities other than training in reading. Just a thought/suggestion.

    3. In case you are checking back to see if anyone has a suggestion:

       Melissa Peil is awesome. I’ve been a client, had 2 readings, and they were very comfortable and affortable. She has a nice way about her that is helpful. I never felt that she was taking advantage of me. http://mysticalawakenings.com/about-melissa/

       She helped me get some perspective on the situation I faced during some personally tough times this past year. Nothing like Miss Cleo or Long Island Medium :)

17. I got the Sprinkles Baking Book as a Christmas present and finally started flipping through it. 2017 is going to be my year of cupcakes! Seriously, these all look amazing. I like to bake with a theme for awhile anyway, so I think that cupcakes every other weekend sounds like the perfect plan. I haven’t made any of the recipes yet, but assuming they come out well, I highly recommend this book.

    1. ok now I’m seriously craving a cupcake…

    2. Today is National Baking Day – get started!

       1. I’m home sick today so probably not the best idea. But I’m making the red velvet cupcakes later this weekend if I feel better!

18. I’ve been trying to get pregnant for a year. My husband told his parents prior to their Christmas visit so they wouldn’t make any insensitive comments about not having children. Prior to this we were people who said we didn’t want kids so such a comment was likely to happen and they would have no clue it would be upsetting.

    Our friends also know we have been trying because we were so excited when we decided to try (and they were pregnant) that we told them. The only people that don’t know are my parents. I want to ask my mom whether she had any trouble conceiving or not but I have no idea how to bring it up.

    I’m from a traditional Irish (Catholic) family that does not talk about sex or feelings. I also live a couple of hours from my parents so this conversation will likely have to happen over the phone. Even though I’ve been married for years, the thought of my mom knowing I’m having sex is terrifying. The thought of asking about my parents’ prior sex life is also terrifying. Anyone have this conversation before? How did you do it?

    1. First, I’m sorry it’s taken you a year. Have you seen a reproductive endocrinologist or talked to your OB/GYN about this?

       Talk to your mom if you want to, but if it’s going to freak you out…just skip it. Don’t do it. It’s not likely to be that informative for your journey, unless you’re looking for emotional support from her. If you do choose to talk to her, you can be super vague. Say you’re thinking about children. (Your parents obviously know you’re having s*x, and) you’re unlikely to get a ton of details from them about their habits and they probably won’t ask about yours.

       Sending positive vibes your way!

    2. Irish Catholics have lots of s 3 x. Look at all the kids! You’re married! Come on. There is nothing to feel awkward about here.

    3. After a year of trying without success, it definitely makes sense to ask your mom about possible issues. Family history is one thing that any doctor will want to know.

       To make both of you more comfortable, how about phrasing like “We have been hoping to have a baby for about a year now but I haven’t been able to get pregnant. I’m worried that there may be a medical issue. Did you have any trouble having us?”

       1. Eh, this isn’t necessarily true. Most fertility issues aren’t genetic. OP, don’t feel like you have to have this conversation if you don’t want to. A doctor will be able to move forward without family history information.

          1. That was our experience as well. We knew that DH’s parents had secondary infertility, but we did not know the cause so it wasn’t that helpful. Any first visit to a RE involves genetic testing anyway.

          2. But the ones that are genetic are fascinating!

             Signed,
             Former grad student in evolutionary biology

    4. What exactly is so terrifying about asking?

       1. In some families, talking about $ex is taboo and breaking that taboo is tough to begin with, let alone when discussing an incredibly personal, gut wrenching experience like infertility. Talking about infertility in general is opening up a gaping bleeding wound for the couple that cannot be seen by others.

    5. In asking your mom, are you looking for support or information?

       If you are looking for support, I will say that in hindsight, it was impossible to predict who was supportive with our infertility journey. There were some people who I thought would be awesome who were not. I thought my mom would be great, but I basically got the “oh you haven’t been trying that long” (at that point we were 3 cycles into treatment) and “just relax.” I thought my sister would react inappropriately and she became one of my rocks. I guess I would say that you are under no obligation to tell anyone, and you can tell anyone you please.

       If you are looking for information, I’d check with your OB/GYN or RE first as to what information could be of assistance to you in the process.

       Either way, I wish you all the best! Know that there are many of us here who have been on the journey.

    6. First, hugs and support. This is really tough and you are entitled to be as open or not open about it with friends/family as you wish. I had a somewhat similar conversation with my mom a while ago. For me it helped to say to her, “Mom, I need to ask you about something but it’s a little awkward.” Acknowledging the awkwardness helped and signaled her that it was important to handle it sensitively. And then just be as straightforward as possible – you may be surprised at what she has been through, or what she knows of in other friends’/family members’ lives. Since that first conversation it is much less awkward and easy to give her updates when/if I feel like it. I hope you will be pleasantly surprised as well.

    7. Thanks, everyone. I am looking more for information than support. I know my mom had one miscarriage in her past. I also know that my brother and I are spaced far apart and they waited a long time to have me. I don’t know if that is by choice or because of issues.

       I also have this nagging feeling (ha, Catholic guilt) that my parents have accepted our prior childfree by choice decision but always wanted grandkids. I want to be able to say that I changed my mind on that, I tried to give you grandkids and it just didn’t work out (if it doesn’t work out). My parents are getting up there in age and it’s something I want to make sure they know – whether it matters or not.

       I am working with my ob-gyn. My husband’s SA was normal and my blood work is normal. Next step is to a fertility specialist for a SHG. I’m ovulating normally and I’d rather not have twins so I don’t really want to do medicated cycles yet. Though – I may need to do one to get my cycle to line up w/ the docs schedule to be able to do an SHG. We aren’t doing the HSG because I’m allergic to the dye used in the test. I still need to ask more questions about what the SHG can diagnose and whether it’s worth it.

       I’m shocked how much I care about this now. I’m also sick of the toll it is taking on our s3x life. I never understood it until I lived it. I’m glad I did temping and charting and test strips so I know I ovulate late but I miss having s3x just to have s3x. No matter what, you still know what you are trying to do.

       Here is the crazy thing. I’ve ovulated on days 21+ for months and months. The one cycle I had blood work done, I ovulated on day 14. What are the odds? I understand the blood work was to confirm I’m ovulating and test my egg reserve which are all good. Hope the test still “counts” for my 21+ day months. I could take meds to shorten the cycle but that would just mean we get more chances in a year, not that it really ups the chance of getting pregnant. I don’t know.

       1. It is so very hard! For many years, I didn’t want kids and then once I did, it kind-of became all consuming. One point: What an OB/GYN considers normal is generally a far wider range than what a RE would recommend. Getting in to see a specialist is a great plan.

       2. It sounds like the stress has been hard on your relationship. What if you gave yourselves a month or two ‘off’ – no charting/testing and just had s3x whenever you felt like it? A bit of a reset and then continued to pursue medical solutions after that. Fertility issues can make for a long and stressful journey and sometimes it is important to take time to protect your marital relationship during that process. Let s3x be just for fun for a couple weeks or months (don’t prevent but don’t test/chart).

          1. DH and I did this at the holidays this year. We took two months “off” after a full year of tests and surgery and procedures. I can’t recommend this enough. This whole process takes such a toll. Taking a month to just sit back, drink wine, not worry about what ovulation day you are, etc. has done a lot of good for us. We are picking back up in 3 weeks. In hindsight, those two months ‘lost’ to our break were well worth it.

             It’s an incredibly isolating process. I still don’t know how to talk to people about it. Coming from a very traditional, emotionless Irish Catholic family in the northeast, your post really, really resonated with me. While knowing my family’s history would have maybe sped things along in the diagnosis phase (mom also MC’d. paternal aunt took 15+ years to have kids, PCOS evidently runs rampant among my cousins…things I know now but didn’t know a year ago pre-diagnosis), if you have a good RE you can avoid the conversation with your mom if you really want/need to, like me. A good doctor will be able to diagnose regardless of talking with your mom. I wish you lots of luck.

       3. I’m going to second the recommendation to see a specialist. You will get answers quickly and get the type of monitoring you need to figure out what’s going on. You could be “ovulating” on day 21 but by that point your egg is so mature that it’s infertile (I’m basing this on nothing but it’s a possibility). An RE can figure that out and make you ovulate when your egg is ripe. Maybe your cervix is tilted funny. Maybe your luteal period is too short. These are all easily fixable things that an ob-gyn wouldn’t be able to figure out.

          I’ve done a few medicated cycles and risk of twins is not that high – under 10%. They tell you the risk just so you know, but there is always some risk of twins so I wouldn’t be too concerned about that.

       4. Sounds to me like your second paragraph here is what you want to start with: “Mom, I know you and Dad have wanted grandkids. We’ve decided we want to be parents” Give her a second to react. Then “I wanted to know ir there was anything fertility-wise in the years between my brother and me that I should know about, that might be hereditary” If that doesn’t bring a response, then “my ob/gyn says all systems are go, but it isn’t working, so I need family/genetic info, if you can help”.
          But once they know you’re ttc, aren’t they likely to ask how it’s going?
          Like others, I’m surprised that an Irish Catholic family wouldn’t be able to talk about this. My mother is nasty about gardening outside of marriage, but gave me bed sheets when I was engaged and gave hubby and me matching nightshirts as Xmas gifts. Besides, you aren’t talking about doing the deed. This is about your health, which is a different topic.

    8. Irish Catholic here too. Perhaps you could tell your mom that your OB asked you to get a family medical history? Tell her upfront that this is a personal issue and you want to get the information in a “clinical” way – that is, just the facts. If you and mom communicate via email, maybe write the questions and tell her you’re sending them. I think miscarriages and fertility patterns are relevant if you’re having trouble. Good luck.

       1. My dad emails. Mom doesn’t. That would be a much easier solution. Clinical is most definitely the way to go.

          My dad once walked out of a room because we were talking about bras and he was grossed out. He asked if I would want to hear about jock straps. I told him I wouldn’t care because they are garments that serve a purpose and just because they touch “private parts” doesn’t make them gross.

          1. Since mom doesn’t email I’d print out the questions, seal it in an envelope, put her name on it and hand it to her on your way out the door. Tell her you want to give the info to your MD and would appreciate her help. No need to talk about feelings or s@x. No need to get Dad involved or embarrassed.

    9. “Even though I’ve been married for years, the thought of my mom knowing I’m having sex is terrifying.”

       What??!! This is terrifying??? Come on. You’re married. It’s not like you’re sinning by having a baby out of wedlock with a Protestant!

       1. You are not in her family. She is. Just accept what she said as true, and move on if you can’t help.

19. Staffed on a last minute 1/1 project. Was hoping to leave early today.

    *silently sad in my office*

    1. That’s the worst. Ugh.

    2. Tbh this is why a lot of people take today off. Not because they need or even want the day. Just to avoid BS like this. Sorry :(

    3. Ugh. That’s miserable.

    4. I so feel you. I also was staffed on a project due 1/1 yesterday…from vacation. Oh well, who needs plans or to see family?

20. Favorite hairspray that I can get at Target or a drugstore?

    1. Tresseme has always worked for me. I think it’s the aerosol green one. I get the double packs for next to nothing at BJs.

    2. I really like TRESemme Tres Two hairspray, and it’s available at Target and even my local grocery stores in both full size and travel size cans.

    3. Salon Grafix is my favorite– I believe it may be a knockoff of Sebastian. Target and drugstores have it.

       1. I’ve purchased Salon Grafix for a group of actors in the past – men and women. They go through a ton and then need something that isn’t super smelly.

          The Tresemme is what I use myself. No crunchiness issues.

    4. L’Oréal Elnett Satin! Very flexible hold.

       1. +1

21. I’m considering changing up my hairstyle. Right now it’s collarbone length with sideswept bangs. I’m not a candidate for a pixie (round face, double chin, small head relative to body) but I could go shorter. Or maybe I just need a different way to style it.

    My hair is dark brown and slightly wavy, though I usually dry it straighter (but not bone straight) or put it on large hot rollers for bounce. It’s fine but I have lots of strands.

    I’d appreciate any suggestions or links to pics of hair styles you think are cute.

    1. I should mention, I wear glasses. My current pair are kind of clark kent style with red plastic rims.

22. No idea why I’m in moderation but I posted looking for a new hairstyle, collarbone length or shorter, already have a fringe, mostly straight slightly way hair.

23. It’s been about a year since my last relationship ended (it was kind of ugly and drawn out). I swore I would never date again. I’ve softened that stance, but am still somewhat guarded. I met someone a couple of months ago at a professional event that I felt a spark with. We recently connected and had dinner/drinks last night. It was a lot of fun. I was relaxed, didn’t feel any pressure, and was able to be myself. He seems genuine, successful (IMO), and I am looking forward to getting to know him better (SLOWLY). I emailed my bff today that I felt open to the idea of dating again and it felt good to say it. Even if nothing comes of it with this guy, I feel like I am finally healed from my last relationship and ready to try to let someone in again.

    1. Good for you! Five years ago I was going through the same thing. Also, it helps to think of dating as a journey, not a destination, so even if “nothing comes out of it” as you previously stated, any experiences that you choose to have with him (dinner, a movie, walk on the beach, kissing, S*x are way stations in that journey of healing from a bad relationship.

       1. This reminds me of something from the Bachelor/Bachelorette. “A journey not a destination”. I don’t mean that as a criticism. Those shows are my guilty pleasure and I can’t wait until the new season!

    2. It’s really hard to let someone in the walls that you’ve built to protect yourself. But without that vulnerability, you’ll never know whether you’ll miss out on something amazing. Good luck to you!

    3. I think something has already come of this–your interest in dating again! Enjoy each step, and think about “goals”/destinations as little as possible. It’s great that dinner/drinks was so fun!

       Signed,

       Someone who dropped out of the game 7 years ago

    4. Thanks everyone! I agree, it’s a journey not a destination and I am living in the present, not worrying about the future :)

24. Would you do anything in this situation? I was at my in-laws for the holidays. It was my mother-in-law (grandma), her sons (she had only sons), and their wives and children (the grandchildren). All of the sons are very successful (doctor, CFO). All in 1%. All attended competitive colleges. The oldest grandkid is male and went ivy league. Every family get together the sons are advising the grandson how to have a big successful career and saying they will put him in touch with nationally recognized movers and shakers so he can get an internship. The next grandkid is female and now looking at colleges. Her mom (stay at home) said she has been advising granddaughter to pick a career that she can quit when she has kids. Others have said maybe she could be a nurse or physician’s assistance (rather than a doctor like her father). Everyone agrees that she is very bright, perhaps more than grandson. I was shocked that granddaughter’s own family was advising her to aim low and put future unknown family first. But I didn’t think I could say anything because I was the only wife with a full-time professional career (requiring graduate degree) and I didn’t have any kids. I half suspect that when I’m not around they use me as an example of how to screw up your life (although my husband and I both reached this decision together after careful consideration of many factors). I’m just speechless. I didn’t know that telling women to aim low could come from your own parents.

    1. So frustrating but unfortunately not totally shocking.

       I’d suggest that you give her a graduation gift of a kindle pre-loaded with books like Nice Girls don’t get the Corner Office and Lean In plus some college relevant ones.

       Would your husband be willing to step up and encourage her to aim higher?

       1. You know, as women, I think we need to address the issue that for those of us that don’t have kids (either by choice or circumstances) that somehow makes us ineligible to promote the advancement of our (society’s) youth. This cannot be. The only thing a childless state might make it difficult for us to do is speak first-hand about childcare…but I’ll bet we can all speak about elder care!

          Supporting our kids to aim for the stars is, or ought to be, gender blind, and a concern to all people whether or not they have kids of their own. In my opinion.

          So, to sum, I guess I would have ruined that dinner.

          1. This was supposed to have been posted below. #NoEditFunction

    2. I’d say something, but what the h*ll, I’m a troublemaker. I’d grab that kid by the arm, haul her out of the room, and tell her she’s the brightest one in the family and that she can become a nuclear physicist and be the first person on Mars and that you’re happy to support her in anything she wants to do.

    3. Aw, forget it. I would have said something at dinner. Like, “Wait…why shouldn’t she be a doctor? You’re a doctor; don’t you like it?” Then after they mumble that crap about kids I’d have said, “But what if she doesn’t want kids? can’t have kids? Has kids and loses kids? Wants kids and a dog AND to be Chief Surgeon?” Then after more mumbling I would have yelled, “You are her PARENTS. You are support her going to the stars, not aiming for a flagpole! You are trying to make her world SMALL because she is a GIRL.” Then I would have handed her $20 on the way out the door and told her to call me if she ever needed help.

       1. +1Million to the above. But I am also a troublemaker…and my in laws already don’t love me so there is little to lose.

          1. Me too. I wouldn’t have kept quiet. I’m also a married woman with no children (by choice). I routinely call out sexism in my family and my husband’s, especially when it is related to the children in the family.

             OP — do you see this young lady often? If so, I’d talk to her about it. Use EM’s post above as a jumping off point.

          2. I’m very comforted by the fact that I’m not the only ambitious woman who has in-laws that don’t like them because of their ambition. All of them have really given it to me over the years and my husband doesn’t handle the conflict very well (he just doesn’t have the skills to buffer). Anyway, I was going to put together the same package of books and materials I put together for my own niece about how to pick a college and how to pick a career and hope that she uses the objective info to balance out the stuff she’s hearing from her family. I know it will royally piss off the inlaws and I was wavering on whether I wanted to go another round with them, but EM, your passion – inspiring. Thanks.

             1. You want to go another round with them–or ten–because (as long as you and your husband are a team on this) it isn’t about you or them or even that it is a girl. It is about the fact that a Very Bright Child should not be discouraged for reaching for the stars; they should be ENCOURAGED to take on the world. They are our future. If we as a society don’t think that is a worthy cause then we are all in trouble.

             2. In fact, it doesn’t matter if they are a Bright Child. All children should be actively mentored to reach as high and as far as they can. In my opinion. And how could anyone NOT want their child to be the best they possibly can?

                In any event, I suspect that I would have absolutely ruined that dinner. I hope you got dessert first.

             3. They sound just like my ex-inlaws. Did I say ex? It feels so good to say that!

       2. I’d include “what if her future husband wants to be a SAHD?”

    4. Yes — telling girls to aim low DOES come from parents many times — parents who worry too much about their daughters’ work life balance at age 17 while they beam proudly about how their sons will attain a $1 million net worth before age 40. I don’t know how you kept your mouth shut. I would be openly encouraging her to go to the hardest school she could get into and study what she wanted and THEN decide what she wants to do for a career and how to balance it with life. If she is UPenn material, she should go there to study biology – not to nearby Camden County College for nursing. With bio she could go into nursing, PA, NP etc. or it could set her down the research road. Whereas when you go to a lower end vocational school, your only choice is that vocation. Plus do they think their top of the class daughter will be happier going to school with people who barely got by in high school or with kids of her academic caliber??

       1. Also – Do you think this is about being willing to spend a lot more on a son’s education (ivy; unpaid internships etc) than they are for a daughter?

          1. Yes I was a victim of parents not wanting to spend money on my education but happy to spend it on brothers of similar academic achievement.

             Hope your niece gets lots of admissions and scholarship money.

    5. If you don’t say anything to her, she may feel like even you, a successful professional woman, don’t think she should aim higher. I would encourage her in private (suggest books, or colleges, or talk to her about your own experiences), and non-confrontationally* disagree in family discussions when they talk about limiting her options. So when someone says “Alice should really think about nursing.” you can add “Or medical school – I think she’d make a great doctor!”

       * In the abstract, I have nothing against being aggressive or confrontational in these situations. But if you set it up as a you-vs.-them situation, and Alice has strong loyalty to the rest of the family, she may choose their position as a way of choosing them. Being calm and quiet takes this dynamic out of the picture.

    6. This all feels so familiar to me because that girl was me, except I was the oldest child without a brother to compare with. I finished school in a country that has a national school leaving exam. I did so well on that exam that I was one of maybe 100o people in the country that got a free government college to any school in the country.

       My scholarship did not include residence hall fees only tuition, and my family did not want me to be alone in a new city because GIRL. I did not apply to any colleges abroad or outside my hometown because girl. I was accepted to all the schools in my big city and I chose the best (happened to be) women-only college. I studied accounting, not science, because I didn’t know any better (I loved all subjects, it was hard to choose in 12th grade – I loved math the best but also wanted to do english literature and history and environmental studies) and because they thought this was more compatible with family life.

       I now have a PhD and live in the US and have a family and a kickass job. Could have been better though. But I did it despite discouragement from family, and I have a 15yo niece in the home country who is SO super smart and motivated and beating all her peers in school, way smarter and more responsible than I ever was, and I was just on the phone with her yesterday encouraging her to come live with me and go to an Ivy League school because she will get in. Her mom and grandmom want her to stay there and maybe take up an IT job that’s compatible with family life.

    7. Since she might like the idea of being a stay at home mom someday, you might also take the approach of saying something about how “With your brains, you’ve got a lot of options. Your mom is suggesting options which traditionally give you more flexibility…she clearly values spending lots of time with you and seems to hope you’ll have that option if you have a family, too. The world is changing, though, and I’m not sure her approach is what is going to serve you best. I see more and more that women that go for the really “big” careers in their 20’s get to a place by the time they have kids that they can call the shots and get the flexibility they need to spend time with their kids. I know I don’t have kids, but I don’t want you to think that having the kind of job I have is incompatible with having kids. Not to mention, if you decide you want to stay home or go part time, you will have been able to save up more money!”

    8. I think you can encourage her without breaking up with the in-laws. As a matter of fact, if she sees you and her parents feuding over this, she is more likely to cling to her parents’ side of this. But you can plant ideas in her head, and nurture them over the next five years. If you alienate her parents, you might not have the chance to do that. Drop mentions of the awesome jobs that her favorite subjects lead to. Ask her what teachers encourage her to grow and learn more. Mention things you get to do because of your bigtime job–things she likes, whether it’s fashion or travel or talking to “important” people. Be honest too, about your hard work, so she doesn’t give up when it doesn’t come easily. And if you are in her presence when some woman without options is mentioned, whether it’s someone from Church or someone on the news or who ever, make a comment about how tough it is for women who don’t have education or work experience if/when something goes wrong in their lives. Doesn’t have to be a lot, just enough to get those wheels turning. And when she talks about having kids, don’t steer her away. Maybe you could mention a colleague who has kids.

       And then make sure she hits those crucial deadlines. Signing up for the correct PSAT sitting to go for National Merit Scholar, college tours summer between Junior and Senior years (maybe you and your husband could have her visit for a week, during which you’d visit a couple campuses). Finding the right people to write her letter of rec. Getting early decision/early acceptance applications in on time.

       She will probably need you down the road as well. Looking back, I know I certainly did. Second wave feminists were tearing it up when I was in grade school, but I knew nothing about them. When it came time to figure out family and career, I made some poor choices that might have been avoided if I’d had someone to talk to who had tried to work that out.

25. I was just invited to a casual dinner tonight at a friend’s house and will be bringing a dessert. Four people, dinner is at 6, and I get off work at 3pm. I could just go buy something, but….what could I pull together in 1.5-2 hours or so, but that doesn’t require anything too frantic? I bake regularly, so will have most basic baking ingredients. Obvs it can’t be something that needs a lot of resting or rising or chilling or setting.

    1. Everyone loves lemon meringue pie and it doesn’t take too long to make. It’s also impressive-looking.

       Or you can make really chocolatey brownies (I like the one on the bakers chocolate box, mark bittman has basically the same recipe) and buy some vanilla ice cream, or bring along a pint of heavy cream to whip there.

       1. Yes, Baker’s chocolate One Bowl Brownies recipe is my pantry go-to when I need an easy dessert.

    2. I’d bake cookies or brownies and buy a pint of peppermint ice cream. Easy and feels seasonal.

    3. Chocolate mousse

       Melt 2 bars of Bakers semi-sweet chocolate (or the same amount of better chocolate)

       Add 1/2 c sugar, stir over heat

       Stir in 1 c. heavy cream
       1 t vanilla
       1 t. instant coffee powder

       Refrigerate.

       Transport in mixing bowl.

       Whip just before time to serve.

       Goes well with shortening bread, biscotti, or other simple cookies.

       I also like pugsnbourbon’s idea.

26. Got back from Christmas vacation to find a bottle of wine from a partner I’m working for on my desk. What’s the appropriate way to express thanks — verbal thank you, physical card, email?

    I wish they covered this in law school.

    1. I’d drop by the office and thank partner in person. A card seems overwrought (plus, you work in the same building…). In person is better than an email because a) it shows a reasonable amount of effort and b) allows you face time/another chance to connect/ build your relationship.

    2. Just a card on HIS desk that says, “Thanks for thinking of me. Have a great New Year and here’s to lots of billable hours!” And sign it and you are done.

       1. Here’s to lots of billable hours? Yeah no I wouldn’t say that.

          1. Ok, then, “Here’s to a successful next year.”

    3. Verbal or email thanks is fine.

       1. True, but a written thank you on a fancy notecard is much nicer.

          1. I would not do this. It’s such a female thing to write a fancy thank you note. I’d stick with the verbal or email thanks.

          2. No, it’s far too much in this situation.

    4. These kinds of gifts are a “thank you” from the Partner to you. Just as you wouldn’t send a thank you card in response to a thank you card, you should just say “thanks” in person if the Partner is in the office; otherwise, a short email is fine.

       1. +1

    5. Just verbally thank him before you leave the office.

    6. Casual verbal thank you.

27. Bit late in the day for this, but any recommendations for an engagement gift for my younger sister? She lives on the opposite coast, so I won’t be able to celebrate with her in person. I’d like to spend no more than $100.

    1. I would write a letter telling her why I love her and how I will always be there for her. I would write about my favorite memories and tell her how excited I was for her moving onto a new phase. I might joke about her bringing a new person into the family and while I trust her judgement, if he doesn’t treat her right, it’ll be “POW, straight to the moon!” for him. Something like that. A “gift” just doesn’t seem appropriate, somehow.

    2. I was given a really beautiful ring dish when I got engaged. We also received some lovely champagne and photo frames. One thing I had to purchase myself which would have made a good gift was a small leather travel ring box.

    3. Nobody I know has had an engagement party, but my go-to gift for newly engaged friends and sisters is a copy of A Practical Wedding.

    4. A planner?
       Manicure?
       Some kind of hand treatment at a spa?
       If she’s going to wear “something old, something new/something borrowed, something blue/ a penny in her shoe” you could lend/give her the old or borrowed thing. Our family had a garter that was passed down.

       The kind of note EM suggests sounds lovely, if you are close.

    5. correspondence or note cards with the new monogram or ones that that say “Bride”

       love American Stationery and Stationery Studio for options.

       1. Yes to thank-you cards; no to monogram. She may not be changing her name, and even if she is, any notes she sends before the wedding would need to be sent using her current monogram.

28. A new associate will be joining my firm and will be my primary associate. I am excited but also nervous about becoming a new manager. What are some things I can do to help ensure my associate’s success? Any tips on managing people for the first time? She is about 8 years younger than me and she’s been at a couple of firms before so not a total newbie. I’m a junior partner in a transactional practice.

    1. I can’t help and I’m probably all over this thread too much already, but I just want to say how awesome it is that you are that psyched to see her be a success. I think I’ve had one boss who was into mentoring/shaping me as a professional, ever. She is lucky to have you.

    2. +1 to Shopping.

       This sounds weird, but management tips from the military seem to be really, really focused on personal and professional development and how superiors can build up their subordinates, as well as what kind of leadership styles are most likely to create successful, strong teams and professionals. The US Army’s Chief of Staff Professional Reading List for 2016 has a few books on it I’d like to read about the same thing, and I’ve heard really, really good things about his prior lists. Under the “Leadership” list.

29. This is late in the day, but if anyone is interested in donating to a certain nonprofit that supports women’s rights and access to necessary medical care (initials P and P), they are tripling donations received today.

    1. It’s Planned Parenthood–no need to use codewords. The matching is good for the 31st, too, so people can still donate on Saturday and get the triple match.

    2. Could you elaborate? Who is matching? I googled it to make my annual donation but I can’t figure out what ‘deal’ you’re referring to and I don’t want them to miss on matching funds if they are available.

       1. It’s listed on their main page: https://www.plannedparenthood.org

30. Happy new year!

    SO moved with me to new city for awesome dream job (mine), leaving behind his close-to-dream-job job. He’s found a few organizations who are contracting him out, but nothing has panned out full time (something neither one of us was expecting). He’s become a bit depressed and feels like the change was so sudden that he’s obsolete and that he’s lost his purpose (to the point that he’s thinking about going into a totally different field–super strange in his situation and with how good he is at his current thing–without any bias, I can definitely say that he is doing what he needs to be doing and should not change to the different field). I didn’t realize it’d hit him so hard and I feel horrible and guilty.

    Any advice?

    1. No advice, just commiseration. My hubs gave up and left me to go back to the old country. Any suggestions I have come from thinking though what would’ve helped us. I really do feel for you, because I felt like such a failure at the time.

       Can he freelance, either for new connections or for his former employer? Or spend a month or two doing a project for them, back there, while doing all the closing-up-shop/building-bridges things he didn’t get around to? Or work for them at home?

       I married a sensitive new age guy; we were both very surprised to learn how much of his self-worth came from employment. By the time we figured out he was depressed, there was no way he was comfortable with me supporting him or with the idea of supporting me if we went back together. There was great cognitive dissonance between that and what he thought he believed. Is that part of what’s going on, a deep belief that he, not you, should be bringing home the bacon? If your husband is depressed (or even if he isn’t yet), a therapist could help him sort out his options and his feelings. It can take a while to get in, so make an appointment now. (From my experience: make sure he owns this–my DH thought the therapist and I were “ganging up” on him)

       I don’t have any great links now, but there are plenty of things online about how to schedule your days while job-searching, often in two hours a day. Not that he isn’t doing all the right things, but a schedule can be comforting.

       What other connections is he making to your new place? Joining a workout club or sports team, a hobby group like a music group or a Maker Space, volunteering in a way that he meets people could all help him connect.

       Wishing you all the best!

       1. Haha–I did read too much of my situation into yours. Sorry! My second paragraph doesn’t apply to the two of you. I hope the rest is helpful.

       2. Thank you so much for the kind words and I’m so sorry about how things turned out for you, but I hope 2017 is a better and brighter year!

          Paragraph II is what he has been doing, which has been great and when he’s doing it he’s super excited and focused. However, I really appreciate you explaining the cognitive dissonance part because I think that’s something that is surprising both of us, but that until this moment, I don’t think I’d labeled in that way before. I agree that we should address is (therapist, talking about it, etc.) because the big change was related to me graduating. Meaning, unless we make the choice for me not to work (I very much doubt that, haha, I love to work!), he will not be the sole provider.

          It’s crazy to see how the things we believe can be turned upside down by the situation we happen to be in.

          Thank you!

31. Threadjack: I have just visited a friend of mine who’s expecting her third baby (we’re both 30 years old). I am about to complete my PhD in IT and have no sound job option I can land afterwards, while my partner has a temporary position as a researcher. This visit has really got me thinking that I may be really “lagging behind”: I do not own a house, I do not envision getting married or having kids anytime soon since I do not feel I am financially secure enough. My partner tells me that I should accept this is just a transitional period, and that I’ll be able to sort things out once my PhD is over, but sometimes I think he does not really feel time ticking as much as I do. I was wondering if others feel or have felt the same way and how you got over this.

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