Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Nico Cardigan in Cotton
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Sometimes you just need a cozy cardigan to bundle up in, and this chunky, knit version from Alex Mill is a fan favorite. It’s designed to hit right at the hip, so it will pair nicely with pants, skirts, or dresses.
I would keep this one as a back-of-the-chair sweater that can be tossed over anything on a chilly day or a long night.
The sweater is $165 at Alex Mill and comes in sizes XS-XXL. It also comes in six other colors.
Some of our latest favorite lady jackets for work include sweater jackets from ba&sh, Boden, and J.Crew. (M.M.LaFleur has some also!) On the budget side of things, check out Mango, Tuckernuck (XXS-XXL), and CeCe. If you prefer a lined, more Chanel-style jacket for work, do take a look at IRO and L'Agence; Mango, J.Crew Factory, and Madewell often have them at budget-friendly prices.
Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
Recommendations for a sun hat that’s practical but not terribly frumpy? I’m going on a tropical vacation this summer and I need a hat that won’t fly off on a boat but I still want to look cute.
Not a specific hat recommendation, but look at the San Diego Hat Company – they have many styles.
I have had an Eric Javitz hat for 20 years in a fun color. It has a wide brim, is packable, and I’ve hand washed it many many times. It still looks great. I have a large head, so the hat is fitted and I’ve never been concerted with it blowing away even on high wind days. It does not have a string that would secure it under my chin.
Have a fabulous trip. Dreaming of a tropical vacation right now amidst the awful weather is a great idea.
Costco Solar Escape hat. It doesn’t appear available online at the moment, but as you get close to summer, you might see it in the warehouse. The cost can’t be beat, and the straw-like material is breathable and very comfortable. There’s a chin strap in case you want to use it.
You’ll need something that can tie under the chin, which imho is an inherently frumpy look (but I’m happy to be convinced otherwise!). I don’t have any experience with this brand, but this one doesn’t look bad: https://www.coolibar.com/products/womens-stella-scarf-detail-hat-natural-black?variant=49211416641850&country=US¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD_k25aF3lJ5zOorZbwVcWKoKKy16
You could pack two hats, one for boat/wind and another prettier one. My Wallaroo hats have held up well despite being dunked in water, crumpled into bags and then recrumpled by TSA, and blown off mountains.
Not sure about not flying of a boat, but i have been looking at/coveting ibeliv hats (and bags) for a long time
This Columbia hat is exactly that – and it comes in two sizes which is perfect for me and my massive noggin. Wore it on a SCUBA boat/on the beach for a week and worked great.
Columbia Women’s Global Adventure Packable Hat II
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07RJZMQBJ/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I’ve found hats (with chin straps, which are seriously helpful when it’s windy) at REI. Some of the Outdoor Research hats come in interesting colors. However, I may be more frump-tolerant than you are.
I would wait until I get there and buy one from a vendor on the beach.
+1
I like this idea.
For boats I just do a ball cap with a pony/braid through it to keep from flying.
i really like the ones with a ponytail hole because i feel like they stay on a bit better. but everything i have would require a chin strip to not fly off on a boat, so i feel like you’re just kind of in dork territory.
Experience with Brochu Walker clothing? It is stalking me on IG, and I love the clothes (if not the prices)….
Great quality stuff, they have high end boutiques around.
Really high quality. I have 2 cashmere sweaters and they look like new after 7 or 8 years.
oof that stuff is gorgeous!!
I’m back in the office full time after many years and trying to get settled in. What are we carrying our phones and keys in? I don’t always have pockets and work in a large office. I’d like to have my essentials with me as I walk around/badge in to move around.
Cross-body bag? Medium tote? Padfolio?
I leave my keys at my desk and usually just hold my phones when I’m going to meetings or walking around the office . Don’t usually bring my wallet when I grab lunch, I’ll just pay with Apple Pay.
Ha! I deal with a lot of lunch carts and spits that like cash. And a phone for when the elevator mysteriously stops working. Fun times.
I just carry what I need, which is pretty minimal.
I got a nice lanyard from Etsy for my badge
No keys
I think I usually see phones out unless they’re in pockets. I’m a consultant in a hybrid office, in office 2-3 days/ week. I wear pants with pockets
I have a leather lanyard type of badge holder with a built in zipper compartment for a credit card or cash. My badge is also the only key I need in the office. If I need my phone, I carry it separately. I am fortunate to have my own office with a locking desk so I have little hesitation about leaving things in my desk drawer.
No one at my office carries a bag of any kind unless they are entering or leaving the building. Badges are mostly on retractable lanyards or clips if they aren’t in a back-of-phone wallet, and phones themselves are in hand or stacked on top of laptops or tablets.
Exactly this. You would look very out of place in my office if you carry a crossbody bag or medium tote around the office on a regular basis.
Phone in my hand with file/notepad. Pay for everything via Apple pay tap. Id badge on retractable clip because we are required ton have them visible and I hate lanyards.
For longer in person meetings I’ll take my pad folio with pens/tissue/mints in the pocket.
Using paper files and notebooks in a meeting seems so quaint to me! Everyone in my office just uses their laptops.`
Most meetings are zoom so if it’s longer and in person then it’s more people and higher level. Usually there are some juniors on laptops making notes or edits.
I have to take hand notes for retention purposes (thanks TBI), so it’s notebooks forever for me.
definitely not a bag or tote! at most a large wristlet or leather zipper pouch.
Yes – I carry a small leather pouch if I need to carry a few small items (lip balm, charger/cords, tissues, cough drop or sanitary supplies). I just carry my laptop/notebook/phone. Bags are for entering and leaving the building.
Agree no one uses a bag. ID around the neck on a laniard and phone in my hands. I sneak a card or a $20 into the phone case when I think I may need it. I just focus on clothes with pockets more, too. If you are really committed to more stuff then I think you could do one of those small padfolios and tuck your stuff inside.
OP here – wow, a rare unanimous answer! So, my office is large and I’m generally anxious. We have regular active shooter trainings and fire drills and the guidance is to keep at least your phone and keys/metro card with you so you can leave the building and get home. If we are evacuating while I’m in a meeting or bathroom, I’m not going to run 100 yards back to my desk to grab my stuff. Men tend to have this stuff in their pockets.Also, carrying my phone around doesn’t feel great. I’ll look for more pockets.
I had to leave without my keys once (fire) and I’ll never do that again. I have a small wristlet sort of thing from Tumi for everything.
My phone doesn’t fit in any pocket except a coat pocket. Even with baggy jeans, it gets squirted out of the front or back pocket when I sit down. Men just have room for much bigger pants pockets.
Something like this-
https://www.markandgraham.com/products/everyday-italian-leather-zipper-pouch/vD_BwE/
I’m confused why you can’t carry your phone…I just went to a meeting and I literally just had my laptop under my arm and my phone in my hand. No big deal.
I’ve used a bandolier(brand name) case when traveling for phone, a card, and cash, you could also hang a key or keycard off it. Link to follow.
https://www.bandolierstyle.com/
Maybe do a phone wallet combo situation. I’ve seen chains you can attach directly to your phone so you can wear it like a cross body. For keys, maybe get a key case that keeps them flat and not jangly so they can more easily be put in a pocket. Theres the more traditional key pouch things that either snap or zip, but I’ve also seen some that are like metal or something and you attach your keys in there and it makes it much smaller. That was a terrible description, but I’ll see if I can find a link.
Just get over carrying your phone. That’s the answer.
Too many fire/bomb scare evacuations in DC metro area high rise office buildings for me to not move around without my phone and keys. I have a slim phone wallet with a wrist loop. In it I keep my desk key (locking the drawer with my purse and lunch cooler – a whole different issue), car key, and house key on a small ring separate from the remainder of my other keys which then clip together with a lobster clasp at the end of each day. Also inside the zipper pocket of the phone wallet is my driver’s license, $20, and a single credit card. If I break the twenty, I replace it later from my real wallet to keep this phone wallet slim. During work meetings, I’ll use my phone to check calendar or to take light notes – really just to normalize carrying the phone wallet. I take most of my notes on a legal pad or bring my laptop, whichever seems appropriate for that meeting. I learned the hard way not to be without phone and keys at work and my outfits don’t have the pockets that male suits provide them.
The worst stranding was being stuck outside in anearly damp DC March morning wearing only indoor clothing having evacuated directly from a conference room with only my badge, legal pad and my pen, and then watching fire crews put out a small kitchen fire in an office a floor below our suite, and being told by management we could all go home since it was going to be hours before we’d be allowed back upstairs. Luckily my male peer let me use his phone to call my husband, gave me a ride to metro, and lent me a metro card – all because he had everything on his person and all my stuff was upstairs. (Parking level had been cleared by fire department.)
A few years later, different position, a bomb scare and we evacuated the building but were told to wait in the building’s courtyard while bomb squad cleared the tall, many storied building. (Wait right next to the building!?!) I’ve never been so glad to have had assigned parking in a garage two blocks from the office. My carpool checked in with our safety officer and left for the day since we all had phones, IDs, and keys on our persons even though our purses were locked in desks upstairs.
I’m in biotech and backpacks are common
Stylest swimwear is stalking me on social media. It looks promising. But it is promoted by influencers (of my older suburban mom demographic). But I have liked some other items these people promote, so maybe they serve a purpose of filtering the chaos for me? But has anyone here tried them? I trust negative reviews from here a lot (talked me out of something that’s like one level up from SHEIN once).
Where are you on your level of phone addiction?
1: Only use phone as needed while it’s plugged in somewhere else in the house. You can go on walks without your phone without being stressed. No one in your family has complained about your usage.
2: Look at phone first thing when you wake up and last thing before you go to sleep. You can still put it away when it counts without too much strain.
3: Take phone to bathroom every single time. Look at phone while walking to the bathroom at work or while out and about. You notice that your hand reflexively searches for your phone and you can only avoid that with concerted effort. You can put it away when you’re with others, but you miss it.
4: Respond immediately to every text or notification, including at dinner with other people. Can’t wait for an elevator or checkout line without having phone out. People comment on or complain about your usage. You haven’t read a book in a year.
5: Levels 2-4, plus you can’t go somewhere without responding to texts while driving and checking for notifications at red lights. You’ve narrowly avoided serious accidents.
I’m a 3 aspiring to be a 1.
2 but aiming to be 1 in the evenings with kids.
I think I’m a 2.5 and am fine with that. I don’t think about my phone when I’m with friends or exercising or doing my hobby and I practice waiting in lines or whatever without it. But I also use it to read in bed, including books, and it sits next to my bed because it’s my alarm.
DH is a 1 and it can be incredibly annoying to not be able to reach him when I’m not home because his phone is separated from him by many rooms.
This is exactly us, down to my frustration with not being able to reach him. I’m a 2.5 and he’s a 1.
I sometimes email my husband to get his attention (if I think he is at his computer but without his phone)… “Subject: call me now, look at your phone”
Depends if I’m dealing with a trapped time situation. If I am waiting in my car to pick up kids at a kid thing, likely on phone. If I can park somewhere and walk around a school track, I try to do that (but have phone with me, often listening to a podcast or music), but it’s often not welcome because the team is on it or it’s locked up. If I’m on travel, I watch reels to wind down at the end of the day (I used to be a news person, but that’s not relaxing). So I try to sub in better than screentime, but often better isn’t a thing and there’s not another human around to commune with.
I love having flexibility to not always be in the office, and even through I’m PT, it’s still BigLaw, so I am glancing between 7 and 7, in case anything comes up, but often I know when I need to check hourly vs at lunch based on deal and filing cycles.
I think I’m at a #2. It’s partly because I use my phone for my medication reminders as well as my cat’s medication reminders, and I’m also fully reliant on Google Calendar for my daily schedule of where to be when.
Re. #1, I’m not stressed when I go on walks without my phone, but I am inconvenienced, and my family has complained about it when I’m unreachable.
This is a thoughtful question, thanks for posing it.
I’m a 3 who would like to be a 1.5. The nature of my job means I can’t really be a true 1 (and that’s okay with me; I really like what I do).
I’m a 2.5. Would rather be a 2. Unfortunately, with the WFH era, people at work assume you’re just constantly sitting at your laptop and can therefore easily multitask, so take it personally if you don’t reply quickly.
Somewhere between 1 and 3. I’ve always been a compulsive reader, walking around the house with my nose in a book, and only stopping when my parents forced me. Now I read or listen to podcasts on my phone or iPad, so I still walk around with a nonstop stream of words from the time I wake up until I go to bed, but I don’t have any problem putting them down when I need to work or interact with people. I don’t have trouble paying attention to long form media like books, which I still read a lot of, precisely because I have my devices in my hands all the time.
This is me, too. I’m a 2.5ish.
“You can put it away when you’re with others, but you miss it.” I’m happy to put my phone away when I’m with others, although am bad about it around my immediate family! But, I am usually reading a book on my phone, not on social media or similar. Maybe I should just start carrying my kindle around….
Yeah, that’s why I had a hard time picking a number. I have no problem putting down my phone to actually interact with my husband . But as soon as he goes back to doing his own thing, I’m going back to my book, podcast, or news reading. I don’t do much social media, but husband and I often both read the news on our respective devices while eating and alternate between reading and discussing what we’re reading. I see no problem with that, but I’m sure some people would take issue with it (we both wfh so we’re together A LOT and there’s no shortage of conversation between us).
I’ve completely converted to ebooks and read on my phone too, I love the convenience of it.
1.5. The only reason I’m not a 1 is I think it’s a safety issue to not have a phone with me all the time, but that doesn’t mean I’m using it.
This one is tough. We don’t have a landline and want the phones near our beds for emergencies (wildfire area, for one), but the closer it is, the more likely it will get used a lot.
Agreed. I would never go for a walk outside my house without my phone for example.
What exactly do you think is going to happen to you on a walk? We survived for a long time leaving the house without cell phones. We still can if we want to.
I guess I have higher standards for my life than survival.
I think it’s silly to end up in a situation as simple as injuring your ankle and not being able to walk back. I realize odds are you could just borrow someone else’s phone, but that’s relying on other people being responsible enough to have one.
Well I live in San Francisco so any number of things? Not all of us are strolling down some country lane. Again, it can stay in a pocket.
Ive had that exact thing happen to me and would never walk without a phone.
Yeah, we survived with no phones because the technology didn’t exist. Given that the technology now exists, I want to be able to reach someone in the event I have an emergency while I am out. Or my kids or their school can reach me in the event they have an emergency. I am not saying I walk down the street looking at my phone, but I truly see NO reason in this day and age to go for a walk and not bring your phone just in case.
I assume I’ll get kidnapped, so at least then my husband could track where I went through find a friend.
I’m between 1 and 1.5, and I’m happy with it. This isn’t something I’ve tried to work on.
2 but also aiming for 1.
I find my a-pie watch helps me in this a lot. I know I will get any emergency messages and don’t care as much about having it on me all the time?
My biggest issue is I read library books on it so I feel like I use it a lot more than I would otherwise. But I don’t want to get a kindle because I don’t think I need yet another device.
I’m a 3, a 1 would be ideal but I’d even settle for a 2. I also read a ton (70 books last year) and listen to podcasts so maybe I have a problem being alone with my thoughts/single-tasking, and the phone is part of my whole “distraction” repertoire?
Big same to all of this.
2 + I do take it to the bathroom. I don’t have notifications on except for phone calls from some people, and I’ve been careful about deleting apps or cutting things off when I notice the rest happening.
Kind of love these categories but might also suggest an Al-anon or hoarder kind of scale, like how much does it affect your relationships? Like would you rather sit in an evening and do an app or be on your phone or go out and see people IRL? Can you watch TV or a movie without your phone? Does your laundry or work not get done because your face is in your phone? How many times a day do people assume you can’t hear them because you have headphones or earbuds in? How do you feel when people try to pull your attention from your phone?
These are great questions. For me, my phone use becomes problematic if I find people trying to talk to me annoying while I’m doing something pointless like Instagram.
We use our phones a lot while watching TV to Google things that came up in the show and then discuss them during the muted commercial breaks. To be fair a lot of modern TV is apparently designed for multitasking (according to writers who say they’re instructed to make sure their shows still make sense if the audience is doing chores or on another device!).
I’m a 3 getting closer to 2. Gotta put in a plug for my favorite app Clearspace, which is the only thing that’s helped me pare down my phone time. Before you open any of your forbidden apps, it makes you pause for 15 seconds, then you choose how long you want to use the app for 1, 3, 5 or 10 minutes. You can set a goal for how many opens you get in a day, but critically (to me) it doesn’t actually enforce that limit, so I’m not tempted to turn it off when I run out of uses. Having to wait fifteen seconds has cut down SO MUCH on those silly time-filler phone checks for me. It’s paid, but has been well worth it to me. Also I’m sure I sound like an ad but I’m just enthusiastic!
I think I might be a -1. I will often go a full day without checking my phone and often miss calls. But I’m so worried about getting sucked into the nexus that I really actively avoid my phone. I don’t like that “wait, what’s going on around me?” feeling I get after spending time checking apps, and I don’t like being interrupted if I’m really into something.
1. I keep a “landline” IP phone with an extension in the bedroom so my teen can call it in an emergency and I can put my phone on the charger in my home office.
For watching videos, reading stuff on the web, word games, etc. I have an iPad with texting/FaceTime/calling disabled.
Definitely a 3 and sometimes ranging into 4 territory since I started WFH, so now I’m working on getting myself back to 2. I do read a lot of books in a year, but half of that is on my phone instead of a physical book or dedicated e-reader.
1.75?
I do not look at it first thing but do use it with my coffee early in the day for NYT word games and do use it to read myself to sleep. I use my watch for my alarm. I have no anxiety not having access to my phone(s). But I also don’t have kids or ailing loved ones.
I guess 2.5? I don’t have an issue putting it away when with others & don’t miss it, but I do look at it while waiting in line, etc. I’d like to be better about disconnecting before bed but have a hard time falling asleep without a podcast/white noise.
my husband is a 0.5 LOL like occasionally scrolls but used to frequently leave his phone in his car when running errands. Agree can make him harder to reach but mostly it’s a huge positive.
I’m also a 2.5. I absolutely take my phone into the bathroom with me, especially if I’m in the middle of a juicy podcast episode and don’t want to pause it.
I do think there’s some consideration of what you’re doing on your phone that needs to come into play here…I see a lot of people responding who are reading books or listening to music or podcasts on their phone. To me, that’s different than spending that same amount of screen time scrolling social media or news websites, which is unequivocally damaging to mental health. 3 hours of screen time reading an actual book >>>> 3 hours of screen time doomscrolling.
I also think that since most of us do have – you know – bills to pay, there has to be a balance between “I am tethered to my phone 24/7/365” and “I am unresponsive to my employer or clients.” I carry my phone around the house with me (I WFH) between 7 a.m. and 6 p.m. because I need to not miss calls, Teams messages or emails. I don’t spend tons of time staring at it, but it is ever-present. On weekends, I frequently leave my phone in the laundry room or kitchen and forget about it for hours.
Will also say, after Zuckerberg did the whole “hey folks, we’re making it a free-for-all on Meta social media now; post whatever you want” announcement, I deleted Instagram and that has allowed me to cut WAY back on the amount of time I spend on my phone. Highly recommended if you have not done it already.
I’m a 2, my husband is a 0.5. When people need to reach him they text me.
That would drive me absolutely crazy.
Me too but it’s also better than those husbands who are a 9…
It kinda does but he’s awesome and it’s a small price of admission.
I’m a 1 except I do take it on my walks (stashed in my pocket). I’ve had a medical emergency while walking, and I’ve called in accidents, and a house fire while out on a walk.
My husband was out walking our dogs once and came across a guy sitting on the side of the road. Asked if he needed help. Turned out the guy was having a heart attack. My husband was able to call 911 and stay with the guy instead of running home or trying to flag someone down who had a phone. There are all kinds of good reasons to have your phone with you when you leave your house, even if it’s just to take a walk.
i’m a 3 but i have all notifications turned off and am one of those people who responds to text messages months later. also read close to 100 books last year (but sometimes via the kindle app on my phone).
What is the point of responding to texts months later? Seriously, I would have long ago decided that you were ignoring me and moved on.
Especially if you’re a 3! Your phone is always in your hand.
Totally agree – at that point, you might as well just not respond at all.
We have ADHD, Jan.
Eating sans club sushi this morning and wondering what rules people have around sushi? It can vary do I thought it might be fun.
I refuse to order raw fish unless I’m in the restaurant and can send it back… only eat sushi rolls the day they were made (no left overs) and try to not buy grocery store sushi unless I see them making it fresh. No bodega sushi. I used to not order sushi after a long weekend either but I’m guessing most fish is frozen these days so it doesn’t matter…. How about you guys? (Has anyone bought Costco’s sushi-grade salmon?)
Maybe it’s a cuisine you shouldn’t be eating if you have this much anxiety over it.
I only order it at restaurants because sushi that has been sitting around in a cooler case is gross.
I don’t really think about this at all if I’m honest. If the concern is food poisoning, I worry a lot more about lettuce or cold cuts.
+1
I am brave and will eat sushi in airports that are inland before hopping on a plane. Voy con dios!
I buy sushi from Whole Foods because they seem to keep making it fresh and they allegedly manage mercury levels in the fish selection, but I probably wouldn’t make it a habit at gas stations.
I do not eat raw food period. Coworker had a bad experience with a parasite and it scared me off.
Fruits and veggies also?
Raw fish and meat such as steak tartar.
Melania?
I’m lucky to live in NYC where I am surrounded by good sushi so this may be there result…
Grocery store sushi only if I trust the grocery store in question and even then I tend to stick to safer stuff. But this is less about food poisoning anxiety and more about not enjoying grocery store sushi that much. Someone told me Wegman’s has good sushi and I would be up for that experience next time I am near a wegman’s.
Never occurred to me that sushi was a left over food so with you there, OP. But again – this is just as much about taste as anything else. I would probably pass on a leftover soggy salad also.
My other rule is that unless I’m in a really “good” sushi place, I avoid anything too fancy sounding because I don’t think I’m getting what I’m told I’m getting so I stick to basics because I think they’re more likely to be what the menu says they are.
I’ve only ever had an issue with fish once in approximately 30 years and it was delivery from a place I ordered from many times. They refunded me my order when I called. I generally don’t like sending food back because I worry I will get something way worse so not sure I understand your rule 1.
+1 to only buying sushi I think I’ll actually enjoy.
I will eat Jewel sushi but not Walmart sushi.
Ok but did you read the expose article where most of the global sushi industry is controlled by the Reverend Sun Young Moon cult?
The sushi industry? Sushi is fish and the fishing industry is not controlled by a cult. Maybe he controls the novelty soy sauce packet industry.
The shipping of near-raw fish globally and preparing it and serving it is absolutely an industry, as is generating a market and employees at restaurants and distribution companies. Yes sushi existed before and will exist after the cult but the cult members were instructed to find a way to be in society as normies and sushi became the way to do it. I had no idea
Yes! Thanks for mentioning it.
The way people freak out over sushi is so weird to me. And how everyone lumps everything together into one category that is to be feared and avoided. I wouldn’t ever feel like getting sashimi from a grocery store, but that’s not even something they have. A California roll or whatever is just fine, if not as tasty as one from a real sushi restaurant.
Yeah if the same person eats soft yolk eggs, rare cooked all American steaks and burgers, deli meat, etc., it feels like they’re just comfortable with their own culture’s higher risk foods and paranoid over another culture’s. I know it’s rational to be more cautious with something unfamiliar, but sushi’s also been around a while now.
I wouldn’t eat any of these things if not freshly prepared. Not for food safety reasons, but because the texture matters. Same thing with sushi–it must be freshly prepared or it’s icky.
That’s fair and I agree.
Whole Foods has sashimi, which I eat without reservation. It’s great!
Stopped eating grocery store sushi mostly because I refuse to pay $18 at Whole Foods when there are plenty of restaurants that are cheaper. Otherwise, I will only refuse to eat it at restaurants when sushi is like “which of these does not belong” on a menu at a restaurant with an identity crisis.
I grew up in southeast Asia but refused to eat raw fish sushi until I came to the US for college, because I presumed that food safety was more stringent in the US than where I grew up. I’ve only had one bad grocery store sushi experience at it was at a dingy Safeway, but I do like Wegman’s sushi, which is made and sold day of.
I definitely don’t stress over it that much. If I have food safety concerns about a place it’d extend to the whole restaurant, not just their sushi.
I guess if I had extra I wouldn’t bring it home for leftovers like I would a pasta or something, that’s about it!
I thought all sushi grade fish was flash frozen? Fish have all sorts of parasites, even if you eat them in the water. See all the bears in Alaska with tapeworms. And, uh, my husband’s friends who ate fish raw on a fishing/camping trip and got tape worms. Right before leaving for work where they were literally under water with no parasite-killing medicine for months.
Oh …. oh no. Your husband’s friend had a tapeworm on a SUBMARINE???
Oh yeah. Took out like 1/4 of the crew. So they just had to suck it up. Literally. Shudder.
New fear unlocked!
Now that many people have only 1 child, what happens if that child is disabled and can’t live solo as an adult, especially once any remaining parent needs care or somewhere like assisted living or skilled nursing? What happens to their child (who may be 40+ at that time)? Do cousins and extended families get a call?
You save money, get insurance, use group homes or assisted living etc. Even if there are two children it’s not right to expect one to care for the other.
This. The idea that children owe their parents care and siblings then need to take over that care is (imho) selfish. If you make the choice to have a child you need to be prepared to care for that child as best you can with the resources you can.
Some of you are confused about how to be human at a most basic level. We need other people in our lives. All of us do. This is why we have Trump as a our president. I hope you all inform your nieces and nephews that you really do not care at all about them.
I don’t think you understand the kind of care that a profoundly disabled person needs. No one is saying cut off your family yolo! They’re saying it’s not fair to give someone the job of being a full time caregiver for the rest of their lives.
No, we have the president we have because people want to foist caregiving off on individuals instead of assuming responsibility for it as a society.
I don’t see how this relates to people voting for Trump. Didn’t he mock a disabled reporter?
I think the question here is who takes care of the disabled child once the parents are dead.
And while I absolutely agree that you cannot expect the healthy child to give up their lives to care for the disabled one, there is a difference between that and hoping the healthy child will be willing and able to do things like be the trustee of the special needs trust or check in to be sure the group home situation is still working. I have a sister whose youngest daughter is profoundly disabled and will never live independently. The parents are certainly not expecting their older children to take care of that younger one on a daily basis (and in fact are planning on being sure the youngest one is safely transitioned to a group setting as an adult). But their older daughters are the designated trustees and were raised with the expectation that they would at least oversee their sister’s care once their parents have passed.
If there were no family members, then I do not think there is an option other than the government. Unless the parents are multi-millionaires they are not going to be able to fund it otherwise. And they would need to work with an experienced attorney to set up the trusts in a way that
I have a friend who cut ties with her parents because they expected her to give up her life to care for her profoundly disabled sibling. They thought she shouldn’t get married and have her own kids, just take care of sibling.
I had a coworker whose daughter cut off contact with her for this reason. My coworker has two children: her daughter, and a son with a profound disability that means he will not likely be able to live independently, ever. For some reason, she thought her daughter would take over her son’s care when it became necessary. Daughter met a guy in college; they got engaged and after they marry she’ll be moving back to Australia with him. Coworker threw a fit; daughter blocked her number. They don’t speak at all now, and coworker is now having to make a new set of plans for her son’s long-term care, which she should have done in the first place.
My mom has permanent resentment toward her (now long-dead) parents for turning her into a live-in nanny for her two younger sisters when she was a teenager. And her siblings were healthy, so it was a short-term situation. It is a really damaging, selfish, and awful thing to do, to assume one sibling will become the default caregiver for another one. Parents: you had the kids. You figure out care. I understand people are sometimes dealt a crap hand in the game of life, and no one plans to have a disabled child. At the same time, that child is your problem, not your other child’s problems. It’s profoundly terrible to expect one child to give up their life and goals to care for their sibling. Don’t do it – or if you do, understand you’re sowing the wind and will reap the whirlwind.
It’s not profoundly terrible to insist that children have childcare responsibilities. It’s how they the human race carries on, for better or worse. In what world do we get to choose our burdens? Would you want to be abandoned by your family if you were unable to care for yourself? This is literally the golden rule.
@11:39. Please read about “parentification” and “glass children” and so on. Yes, some looking out for your fellow family members is normal. However, some cases are extreme and amount to actual abuse.
I truly believe that narrowing the sphere of familial support to the nuclear family is part of what contributes to phenomena like parentification and glass children.
Anon at 11:39: if the continuation of the human race depends on parentification of children, and parents dumping their parenting responsibilities on their own kids, we deserve to die out.
I said it before and I’ll say it again: you had the kids. They are your responsibility. Not anyone else’s. That responsibility does not belong to your other children, especially, because they had no say in taking on the burden. If I were “abandoned by my family” – which may happen, as I have a small family and people are rapidly dying out, in some cases much sooner than expected – I have enough insurance and assets to hopefully keep me going in a care facility for at least some time. The answer to the question you posit is not “find someone I’m genetically related to and shove my care onto them whether they want it or not.” That’s rude. Selfish. Inconsiderate. Etc. Save more money and get long-term care insurance. Honestly, you’re not coming across as the kind of person your relatives will likely want to help.
P.S., I hope you don’t come back here in a few years complaining about how your kids never call or visit. If that happens? You already know the reason why.
Not trying to be a total j e r k, but your friend sounds like a bad person. Genuinely. Obviously the parents got the child they raised, so ostensibly the child they deserve.
You failed at the first clause.
No she doesn’t sound like a jerk. Society needs to stop expecting free labor from women. We shouldn’t always be expected to give up our lives.
So you think she shouldn’t get married or have her own family? Because that’s what her parents are demanding — not just that she commit to caring for her sibling but that she makes herself a martyr to do it. With some people, there’s no middle ground, and that’s why you end up having to cut them off.
For what it’s worth, as the sibling of a disabled person, I did not feel that way. It would have been an honor to care for my sister when my parents couldn’t. It is hard, but there is also a lot of space between “drop everything in your life and provide hands on care forever” and “totally outsource it to government services”. If you’re the parent in this situation, money helps.
People on this site get really upset when they’re reminded that they have an obligation to their family, especially when times and circumstances get tough. No one gets to choose the challenges in their life.
There is no obligation. Let’s be real here the expected obligation is usually only one way, the women help and sacrifice.
Asking gently—are you an atheist? I can’t imagine having that kind of response as a weight on my soul. But if you don’t believe in judgment or an afterlife, maybe you can afford to think this way—that there’s no obligation to family.
I am an atheist. My day job is also dedicated to public service, I’m a long term vegan and my whole life revolves around the greater good. Just no imaginary deities or misogynistic expectations.
Thank you 12:59. I think I see a bit where you’re coming from. We have different ideas of how to be a human on earth, probably both valid in their own way.
I’m a devout Catholic and I think it’s deeply wrong of parents to foist heavy responsibilities on their children, for their children’s entire lives.
I am not a good person by making other people sacrifice. That isn’t how it works. “Hey, you, you would be a GREAT martyr! Anyone who tries to stop me from forcing this person to be a martyr is evil and has a weight on their soul.”
I stay in my own swim lane. We can ask adult children to, eg, be a trustee for a special needs trust; we can’t ask them to never leave their original nuclear family and avoid family formation.
Funny how only the women have an oBliGaTiOn to fAmiLy!
Siblings who are male skate away scot free.
Right. And it also matters what that care is. A friend of mine has a brother-in-law with highly functional Down’s syndrome – the adult has a job, is social, can do basic hygiene but still won’t be able to live wholly by himself as his parents age. There are plans in place for him to transition to my friend and her husband, and their kids.
Another friend has a profoundly disabled child who needs help eating and toilet and bathing and moving muscles and is almost confined to his special wheel chair. This child is maybe aged 13 now and is in a special institution for him in a different state. Right now the parents travel back and forth to be able to claim residency to get in-state fees and assistance. I don’t know what the kids plan to do; the oldest is 15.
Yes and to clarify – my family absolutely used government services, medical professionals, respite care, community programs, etc to help care for my sister, and I have no problem with that! It is entirely too much for one person and we SHOULD as a society provide more help and resources to families in
these situations. Where it makes most sense for a disabled person to live is going to vary so much by individual needs (the disabled person themselves and the family member’s). In a situation where a person needs more care than family can provide at home, family involvement might look more like – can they fly out regularly for face time? are they calling and spending time “just chatting”, even when maybe it would be more fun to be out doing something else? (and no, I’m not saying siblings or parents should have “no social life”). Can you plan inclusive family celebrations (at least some of the time)? In my experience, most families are truly trying to do this.
That’s literally the point of family, to take care of each other.
I have higher hopes for my children than just that, and if taking care of each other meant they couldn’t move to Australia with their soulmate or otherwise live the lives they wanted to live, I would make other plans.
I get that. I think most people with means would do that. I think the OP was wondering “what if that’s not possible?” For most people in this situation it isn’t and they have to rely on family or the government of government support exists.
Anon, you are saying that only wealthy people’s children deserve to live their own lives.
I’m saying wealthy people have options normal people don’t. Without money we all have to make harder decisions. The needs don’t magically disappear because someone wants to run away to another continent.
Wanting to get married is pretty universal.
I sure hope that the siblings don’t have some sort of legal responsibility.
I don’t know how they would.
They would have to live in some sort of assisted living situation. It is not the responsibility of extended family to take in a disabled relative.
Whose responsibility is it though?
Assuming the disabled person is not competent to manage their own affairs, the disabled person gets a guardian and public benefits pay for a very basic level of care.
It is the parents responsibility to make sufficient arrangements for after their death and the state if all else fails. That’s why we’ve chosen to live in a society and care for others, at least collectively we had until about 2016.
Often the parents already spent a fortune on caring for the disabled child (especially if one had to forego a career in order to stay home and provide care). So you can say it’s their responsibility, but very few people can make sufficient arrangements under these circumstances. The state may not step up either.
Still doesn’t make it the cousin’s job.
I guess that I get that you can say this, but a lot of people will not be comfortable reciting “it was their parents’ responsibility and no one else’s” to themselves over and over while watching a family member end up homeless on the streets or in crisis in a dangerous care home situation.
The parents. Established a financial trust managed by a lawyer and a physical care situation in a group home so that extended family members are only asked to provide medical consents etc.
It is not fair to ask extended family (or siblings) to take on physical care or financial responsibility.
So the trust runs out, what then? Lots of things aren’t fair!
Wow. the subtext here that people with disabilities are burdens to be unfairly foisted on others is icky.
Very few people have the money to take on the job of setting up a trust. Family should absolutely step in to the best of their ability.
It is absolutely wrong to demand that anyone–parent, sibling, cousin, daughter, daughter-in-law–take on the responsibility of providing day-to-day care for a disabled person. It destroys careers, psyches, and lives. No person, disabled or not, has the right to usurp another’s autonomy in that way. It’s more reasonable to ask someone to agree to be the guardian to help the person apply for Medicaid, SSDI, etc. and to ensure that the care home situation is safe.
So what does ‘the best of their ability mean?’ What if the cousins or whoever are dealing with their own financial troubles or elder care for their parents to provide for. The parents couldn’t set aside funds yet you expect cousins to magically have access to more money. I’d love a few wealthy cousins to help out.
I’m not expecting anyone to magically show up with pots of money and I’m not saying the parents’ (and the disabled person, according to their capacity) shouldn’t do what they can to plan ahead – this isn’t an all or nothing situation, and I’m not addressing families who tell a sibling “your only role in life is caregiver”. That’s wrong.
But there’s also a line of thinking I hear in US culture, which is basically “you owe nothing to anyone ever”, an extreme form of individualism that sees reliance on others as the worst possible evil, and seems corrosive to the underlying idea of a society.
One question I am myself on the regular is: where am I significantly inconvenienced for others? What am I sacrificing – really sacrificing, not just using my surplus wealth ? I can’t tell you where the right balance is for you (and it’s not “set yourself on fire to keep others warm”) – but it’s also not good for me when the answer is I have everything I want, and am really not giving up anything at all. Giving up can be money, but also time, emotional investment, convenience
+1 to 11:34. Such individualistic thinking is endemic to US society and it is why we are at the point of gleefully abolishing the government.
When nobody thinks it’s their duty to sacrifice in order to care for others (saying it’s the job of “the state” or “the parents’ trust”) then we are strengthening the belief that people only deserve what they can pay for…and it’s all good to believe the government safety nets exist for this purpose, but when we promote selfishness then it’s no wonder society doesn’t even want to support those programs anymore! Not to mention the exploitation of health aids that allow us to foist our relatives off.
There is a running undercurrent to all these discussions that my money and time for me to promote my own self-interests and if caregiving doesn’t fit into my plans then those people are SOOL.
Definitely not fair to expect a sibling to take on 100%, but there is a lot of middle ground.
“People only deserve what they can pay for.” Wow. That is exactly what we are reading from so many on this thread and those responses are selfish, individualistic, and gross. I agree completely w your sentiment. Thank you for stating it so plainly.
11:59, the proper way for society to care for others is through the government, the way it’s done in Europe. This way society as a whole is absorbing the problem without overburdening individual families. The American way is to foist the responsibility onto individuals, almost always women.
11:59, you are flat-out wrong. We are abolishing the government because we as a society WANT individuals to take on all the burden of caregiving, illness, disability, etc., not because individuals do not want to.
11:06–you understand the very end of that argument, don’t you? What happens to people who can’t care for themselves and their family washes their hands because of selfishness? There’s only one way that ends. Can you live with that on your conscience? I think most posters cannot, right or wrong.
What an absurd rant. Every single human born into the world needed someone to take on the responsibility of providing day-to-day care, even if it destroyed careers, psyches, and lives and usurped others’ autonomy, none of us would be alive today if someone hadn’t done that for us.
10:56, caring for a person with a disability IS a burden, even if you love that person deeply. Just being the guardian for a disabled sibling who lives in a nursing home or group home is an enormous logistical and emotional burden.
An infant and a disabled person who isn’t even the caregiver’s child have very, very different claims.
Infants are disabled if anyone is. And they’re not always the children of their caregivers.
My disabled brother is not a burden, he is a blessing. I am grateful that he has SS and can live in group home that serves his needs AND I continue to provide financial support and he is part of our loving family. My husband loves him as does my son. God, some of you are just bad people.
<3
Please explain in small words how a person who is receiving lifelong care at the expense of other people is not a burden.
You can say that it’s a burden you joyfully carry. You can say that he is economically a burden but not worth any less as a human than the most productive people on earth. You can say that society should help you carry that burden (which is does, via SS and Medicaid).
But you cannot emotionally blackmail people.
Uh, I would hope you’re not calling on cousins to provide lifelong care! Agree with the others that expecting siblings to do so is not reasonable, that would definitely be the case for cousins.
Super realistically, a lot of disabled adults end up in bad situations too – in nursing homes when they could live independently in community with better support, homeless, etc. Even just accessing services available takes a lot of family support – eg. even if a person legally qualifies for in-home aides to allow them to live independently, someone has to be on top of all the paperwork, hire those people, call their social worker and advocate for a review to get them enough hours, etc.
If you have money, talk with a lawyer specializing in disability – there’s a lot of complex rules involved in setting up a trust in ways that maintain Medicaid coverage, etc.
All of this. There are a lot of people in this thread who’ve never had primary caregiving responsibilities for another adult, and it shows. It is utterly thankless, hopeless and damaging work in most cases, and there are few resources available to you. Even having a family member in a facility is heartbreaking and constant work and worry. I can’t fault the people who don’t want to turn over their lives to do a (often bad or partial) job at it.
Also realistically and very sadly, there are a not-insignificant number of m ur der-s uici des that happen in situations like this. As thin and crappy as our social safety net is, I can’t say I blame them.
Right. I’ve been reading stories like that in the news for 30+ years, and the mother (usually the mother) is always branded a “monster” with the family wailing “how could she?” But were these people willing to be a support to a struggling mom and a child with forever needs?
These are tragic situations. And a large number of commenters on this thread are expressing that they have no problem turning their back on family members in need. When people have no support and no options they do desperate things. We have obligations to keep our families and members of our community safe.
There’s an annual day of remembrance: https://disability-memorial.org/
Why do you ask? Are you the cousin, the sibling, or the parent in this scenario? Sounds like the parent?
OP here — it’s re an in-law, like a cousin-in-law.
In the situations I’ve observed, the parents get the disabled person into some sort of group home or assisted living situation long before they expect to be out of the picture, and consult with an attorney to set up a special needs trust that provides financially for the child while also preserving eligibility for benefits to the extent possible. A successor guardian and successor trustee are appointed to take over when the parents are gone. The families I know have set everything up to minimize the burden on the guardian/trustee.
My kids have a distant cousin who will probably never be able to live independently, and her rather-well-off parents have done most of these tasks. Distant cousin is an only child.
Distant cousin’s mom has a younger sister, and I expect that younger sister’s college-age kids will eventually assume some of the supervision of distant cousin. But I don’t imagine the college-age kids will ever be asked (or required) to be full-time caregivers.
My cousin died a few years ago, but this was his situation, and he lived in a small apartment building that was specifically for people in this situation, with assistance. As an extended family, we kept including him in holidays, etc. after his mom died, so he had community both where he lived and outside of it.
Anony, this is lovely and precisely what I’d hope for if I was in such a situation. A family that includes me as they do other members of the family, joyfully, but also where they and I have our own lives. The family is not so burned out from caregiving that they have bandwidth keep an eye out for the disabled person’s interests (ie, if it seemed something wasn’t right at the supported apartment building).
I live around the corner from a small group home for people with a variety of intellectual and physical disabilities. They are fantastic neighbors. It’s a quiet street, they are often home so they kind of keep an eye on things (esp. the residents with quadriplegia who will dial up the city in a hot minute if there are issues with curb cuts or construction). Most seem to have relatives that visit periodically but our neighborhood allows for a fair amount of independence (stores and restaurants within walking distance).
Yes, this is the level of support that can reasonably be expected.
There are specific trusts and safety net programs designed for exactly this. I’m sure family members also help in many situations.
I’m really curious how you would respond if you got a call at age 40 that said “Aunt Lisa died, time for you to take in Cousin Jimmy.” Would you have done it?
Is the alternative that Cousin Jimmy is on the street and doesn’t understand why? And has no concept of whether he’ll eat again? Obviously yes. And I 100% believe that most of these cold hearted posters would do the same thing if approached in this scenario.
We don’t get to pretend that we have no obligations to other people.
What rubs me the wrong way is this whole conversation has been one-sided. The obligation to family goes both ways, and if you want your nieces and nephews to take care of your own child, I hope you’ve been providing for them as appropriate their whole lives too.
The obligation is never two way, it’s always about taking advantage.
Some people live with the complete assurance that the world and its citizens are just out there waiting to take advantage of them. It must be painful to be the perpetual victim.
Anonymous at 1:01: Nailed it. Anonymous at 1:11: way to miss the point.
It’s kinda staggering to me that there are people in this conversation who are defending their “right” (which isn’t actually a thing) to depend on others for care/care of a family member when that has never been posited or discussed, and no prior arrangements have been made, and no assets are being provided to help care for the person.
ICYMI: the argument being made is that fictional person Jane should be able to have a disabled child and make no provisions or plans at all for that child, but when the chips are down or she finds out she’s terminally ill, Jane should be able – with no compunction or guilt – be able to go to a family member and say “here you go, this is your responsibility now.” And dump the disabled person – who may have ideas or preferences of their own, depending on the situation – into a strange situation where people are ill-prepared to provide care. Even if the family members are not close to Jane or the child; the family members have burdens and responsibilities of their own; have physical or mental health issues that would prevent them from being a good caregiver, etc.
The OP’s examples and positions are so extreme, this feels like intentional provocation of an argument, to me. And she got what she wanted. So.
Round of applause for Michelle. Thank you for stating it so well.
Ok Michelle. When Jane dies, what happens to the child in your fictional scenario?
OP’s example was not extreme, and not even that uncommon.
No. Because Cousin Jimmy very well might be aggressive and pose a physical danger to my family, including my children. Because Cousin Jimmy might be 200 lbs and need to be lifted in and out of bed and onto the toilet, and I can’t do that physically. Because I am already drowning financially thanks to monopolies and multi-billionaires who have destroyed the economy, caused interest rates and inflation to rise, and prevented my wages from keeping pace with inflation. Because I have a job and am already overextended caring for my own family, and I need to keep that job so I can pay into my 401K and for health insurance and for my children’s college education because our society expects individuals to be responsible for all of these staggering expenses.
If Cousin Jimmy weren’t a total a-hole, I would probably step up to find him a public guardian and a nursing home and get him signed up for benefits. But he absolutely would not stay in my home for even one night. If he were an awful person I would wash my hands of it completely.
But you wouldn’t leave him to die.
And if it was your husband’s Uncle Jimmy and he felt differently? I’d divorce a partner who behaved this way towards dependent family members.
I would divorce him first for not putting his children’s needs first.
Good luck to your children.
Anon at 1:06 pm, are you married with children?
They probably are, and I’m willing to bet raising better humans than you are.
Yes, next question?
In the same way I would get on a plane if I got a call “hey, your cousin died – are you coming to pick up her minor children or should they go to foster care?”. If I truly weren’t in a position to safely take on that responsibility, that’s a different situation – but I’d juggle a lot to be there for family in an emergency like this.
Obviously, this isn’t an ideal case – if at all possible, this conversation happens earlier, and you talk through the plan ahead of time, etc etc.
In my family, probably not. But that’s because I haven’t seen any of my counsins since I was 10 years old. They are literally strangers to me.
Yeah, I literally just learned last week that there was a cousin I’d never heard of. My mother was surprised that I didn’t know of this cousin’s existence, but why would I since we’d never visited the family and she’d never talked about them? No way would I take in some mystery relative I’d never met.
This is disingenuous though, nobody’s jumping out behind bushes to foist a disabled cousin on you. There are discussions well before hand. Trust me as a parent in the prime of my life I’m already thinking about this for my 10yo and it keeps me up at night.
It’s not just about surprises. As described above, there are families where the parents’ plan is absolutely for the siblings to give up their own lives to care for the disabled child, and the siblings know this from an early age.
I have one autistic son and one NT son. The autistic son will probably have problems living independently, but we’re looking at every push we make towards independence for him to be a gift to our older son. I don’t want older son to take care of younger bro but I would be upset if he didn’t care about his brother, acknowledging that being within driving distance of him would be good or regularly visiting because abuse in adult disability situations is so common. I guess that’s stuff we can put in the special trust if he’s trustee of his brother’s half of the money (we’ll probably die with $5-$10m total for the kids but who knows).
You are seriously thinking of making your NT son’s trust benefits contingent on his living near the disabled one or visiting regularly? You don’t owe him an inheritance, but loving parents always want to maximize their adult children’s autonomy.
no. he gets his half. if he is to be trustee of his brother’s half then i would put conditions.
Who’s the trustee if he doesn’t want to satisfy the conditions?
I have friends with one disabled adult child. The non-disabled child will become guardian and trustee when the parents pass, but will do it from across the country. It’s possible.
In my limited experience there are siblings of autistic people who either step up to help their siblings or they absolutely hate them and move as far away as possible. If my elder son is in the latter camp then there’s got to be someone better, or a better way, like restructuring his half of the inheritance.
Do you understand that being a trustee is work and not a benefit?
To 3:55 – Yes but that’s why I should be able to describe the contours of the job of trustee. I forget if we have a payment for trustee in there now but I guess we should add.
I’m not the poster, but I would absolutely do this. And possibly would put the majority in trust to help the needs of the disabled brother, making the other brother the beneficiary once his days are done.
“Loving parents always want to maximize their adult children’s autonomy.”
Hard disagree. Some loving parents want to foster an atmosphere of generosity, service and mutual sacrifice/benefit in their families. People are not “burdens”; they exist in relationships.
As to the exact level of care or interaction that continues as kids get older, that is a decision that is personal to the family. No, adult children shouldn’t be completely on the hook for siblings, but maybe they love each other enough to WANT to be there in some capacity. My goal is not to raise completely individualistic kids who are only focused on their own path.
Straight up, I feel sorry for your kids. Just – wow.
I don’t feel sorry for them. 1:11 seems like one of the more normal posters on this thread. Elaborate on what you object to. There was no “just–wow” statement here.
Autonomy includes the ability to CHOOSE to become a caregiver. It just doesn’t include the obligation to do so.
I very much wonder how this conversation would play out in a group of men. I think a lot of people here are using “BUT FAMILY” to place a lot of obligation on women that wouldn’t ever be placed on men.
I haven’t honestly noticed more women than men stepping up when these situations have arisen among people I know. Maybe that’s because women are already doing a lot of caretaking at baseline, but there are men who step up.
The men “step up” and then their wives have to do all the actual work.
What kind of men do you know? My husband was a primary caregiver for his younger brother (single mom who worked many many hours) and has a heart of gold. The men we hang out with care very deeply for their extended families. Some people here genuinely believe that only women handle familial burdens. That just isn’t true.
My BIL is a severely disabled individual who can’t perform any life functions for himself. He can’t even move his arms and legs. There are many complaints on here that care work falls to women which is likely true, but in our culture the sons are expected to shoulder these burdens so DH grew up with the expectation that he would have to care for him. My SIL has clearly stated that she won’t help and has no involvement. It has caused DH a lot of resentment towards his parents. But he would never abandon his brother because of it. It’s one of the qualities I love most about him. It takes a very big person to put aside that kind of resentment and still love and care for another person, particularly who is so completely helpless and vulnerable. When we started dating, he was very upfront about his situation. In all of our years together, he’s never tried pushing his responsibilities onto me. Reading these comments makes me appreciate him all the more.
I would have stopped dating a person as soon as I discovered that he was planning to provide this level of care for a family member, because I want a partner who is 100% focused on providing for his own family.
That person would have dodged the bul-let that is you. His own family includes people he doesn’t spawn. That can’t be news to you.
Do people like you not understand how precarious any of our situations are? We could be the one asking for help any day because of some nightmare not of our making.
I understand that, but I’m not operating under any illusions that anyone will care enough to look out for my best interests if that happens.
For some people it’s not an illusion. Sometimes that’s because they invested in communities of care (and didn’t get abandoned anyway/got lucky, but still).
That’s cool. Different folks and different strokes. I got lucky that he’s been able to do both and that my son has a role model of what a caring and loving man looks like and not the type of men that many of the posters above complain about. Plus, he’s shown me that when a person has generosity in spirit in one area it tends to show in other areas as well. My son and I benefit from that loving spirit in our lives as well.
I am willing to bet that all of the people saying that it’s one’s responsibility to become a caregiver have never witnessed the burden of caregiving firsthand.
I think the people who say it’s not their responsibility haven’t witnessed the fall out of what happens next if no one steps up.
It’s not like we have reliable social safety nets. Without family to do their share, people die.
Or some of us have and know that no amount of guardianship, facility, and govt services, especially in this country, will adequately care for people who can’t care for themselves. They would easily be left to rot and many of us don’t want that on our conscious.
I feel like the commenters believe that there’s an army of government guardians paid for with your tax dollars ready to step up if family doesn’t. For the most part this doesn’t exist and we’re on our own with limited outside help.
No, but there is SSDI and Medicaid and the cousin can go live in a cr@ppy nursing home instead of ruining OP’s life.
And even if there SHOULD be a thick safety net (there should) not having a safety net and not wanting to burden yourself with a relative’s care are two sides of the same coin, IMO… the only way to get people to care about other people on a macro level is to start practicing it on a micro level. But if we all grow up idealizing independence and self-determination, then we don’t become the type of people or society that priotizes caring (sacrificing) for others.
I tried to make this point up thread but it got garbled…
Yup. Anyone who ever has had any dealings with disability services knows just how bad of a situation it is and how unreliable outside help is. I would love it if there was a system in place, but realistically there are two choices: family is involved in at least some major way and looks out for their loved one or our most vulnerable are left to the mercy of a cruel, disorganized, understaffed, underfunded system in which a person slowly and torturously lives out their years. It’s eye opening how many are okay with the second option, but I generally agree with the poster above talking about how these are signs of societal selfishness in general.
1:53, be careful about being such a wretched human. Karma is real.
There’s only SSDI if the patient self as accumulated work time, and many states do not have Medicaid sufficient for the populations that need but as a 20 year caregiver for a totally disabled adult, I still would not put the burden on one person. People trying to do that or also trying to get out of taking care as a community.
I have. I am 100% on board for more support for family caregivers – it’s wrong that we as a society put people in a situation where caregiving “destroys their families, careers and psyches”. I still would be there for a family member in need. Obligation is maybe the wrong word – yes, I would feel morally obligated, but also like there’s something deeply human about giving deeply to care for others (yes, to the point of real sacrifice; no, not to self destruction) that I do not want to lose
Under our current system you basically cannot be a caregiver without self-destruction.
Sometimes I posit that the poster/s who frequently posts provocative questions on a regular basis is IRL a journalist or author using this intelligent and literate group to source their arguments for a pro and con essay, post or article. I kind of wonder if they’re using you all to do their research for them.
And, I have to say if they are, it’s working. You all are providing real value for free.
I doubt it. I think people genuinely want to know the moral character of the people they converse with, and it leads to longer comment threads like this.
LOL. No. If people were that concerned about the “moral character of people they converse with,” everyone would be much less okay with most of the posters commenting anonymously. On that tip – why don’t you share your real name and the link to some of your social media? So we can ensure you’re actually of high moral fiber and are living a life that is congruent to all of these moral judgements you’re making on other people?
Interesting theory! I have a couple of my own:
– The person is actually someone involved in administering this space, and sometimes, on slower days, likes to throw a bomb into the conversation to drive engagement/commenting.
– The person is someone who is very sheltered, and maybe somewhat mentally ill, who doesn’t really have much contact with the outside world and spends a lot of time alone, and thus has developed some strange beliefs that aren’t really congruent with life outside their very limited sphere of experience. I think sometimes they are genuinely surprised that people don’t agree with them – as they don’t generally have anyone in their life who can gut-check their wackier assumptions.
Looking for hotel recommendations for Cabo – non all-inclusive, preferably walking distance to restaurants and a swimmable beach. Still deciding between San Jose del Cabo and Los Cabos. Thanks!
I don’t think that what you want exists in Cabo. Most beaches are not swimmable and the resorts that are walkable to restaurants are not on them.
Yeah, most of the nice resorts in Cabo are not walkable to restaurants.
It doesn’t fit your criteria at ALL, but Pueblo Bonito Pacifica was absolutely delightful.
Does anyone have an induction stove and NOT love it? We are in the market for a new range and it’ll be either electric or induction. The internet world seems pretty unified that induction is far superior, so I’m curious if anyone has the opposite view. I cook about 90% of our meals at home and we have 3 toddlers. The safety and ease of clean are big draws to me.
I like it not love it, still haven’t figured out how to handle not burning things. It also hums a little at low temps and that’s annoying.
I would never go back to gas, however. The air quality concern is real.
The learning curve would be a challenge for me too!
I should mention that our existing pots and pans will work on induction, and a gas stove is not an option (we don’t have a gas line).
Ours hums if you are using a front and back adjoining burner, but not otherwise. Could it be that for you?
I went from gas to induction after reading about indoor air pollution and cancer risk. I love induction.
If you’re not sure, you can get an individual burner off Amazon for probably around $100 before you commit.
I like my induction stove, but I wish I had more choices when I bought. I needed a stove/oven and so many of those were wi-fi enabled and required the app for some cooking options on the oven. I am not an IOT person and just wanted something to cook with. So the induction range I have doesn’t have knobs that I would have preferred, the oven racks don’t roll, and it is a very basic model. BUT I do love the cooktop. For example, I simmered spaghetti sauce for two hours with no fear of it burning, large pots of water boil quickly and heat levels go up and down quickly.
I’m similar re IoT, but nothing that otherwise met my needs came without wifi. Luckily, mine has been totally fine to use without connecting to the internet. I noticed that brands vary—some only require the appliance to be connected if you want to turn it on from far away and some have features that can only be accessed through the app.
When did you get your stove? I think we bought ours about three years ago and I don’t think that any of the ones we were looking at had wi-fi.
I’m going to put in a plug for my GE that has an air fryer option for the oven. We use it alllll the time, and got rid of our dinky stand-alone air fryer.
We used gas for 10 years, then switched to induction and LOVE it. Very little learning curve. Super safe – you can even have a towel over the burners and it won’t catch fire (eg to catch oil splatter). Plus, the burners turn off when you remove the pan.
No notes and would never go back.
Sorry, no help here—I love my induction (switched from gas almost a year ago). So fast to boil a pot of water, so responsive, and easy to clean.
Also, way cooler to cook on hot days, since the pot/food are hot, but the stove isn’t a heat source as well.
My asthma is way better than before the switch.
I recently got an induction stove last Fall. So far I love it. It’s a dream to keep clean compared to our old electric stove and it’s helpful in a small kitchen with little kids for safety. A couple of things I learned while researching that the reviews sometimes overlook.
1) The diameter size of pans are key part to induction stoves working well. The spec’s for the stove will call out element sizes. These need to nearly mirror the diameter size in cookware. Undersized and over sized cookware won’t work well. If you have a cast iron dutch oven or anything you really cook with a lot, it would be worth while to check it’s diameter compared to the stove you are buying.
2) To help minimize the buzzing sound it helps to have really high quality pots & pans. When I watched reviews with videos, it was pretty clear lots of complaints correlated with people using low quality pans. I purchased Demeyere. It wasn’t cheap but they should last a long time. Luckily I didn’t feel the need to buy a whole 10 piece set. About x4 specific pieces have worked well for us so far.
3) Brand wise, I was advised by more than one sales person to avoid Samsung and LG induction stoves unless we were willing to invest in a extended warrenty. So might be something to factor if budget is tight.
So if I had to reach for a complaint, obviously the above took some time to think
through. But now that’s it’s done, I feel like we’re set for a long time.
Thank you so much! This is really helpful especially with regard to pan diameters. We are leaning towards a Frigidaire or a Bosch brand-wise.
What’s availability like where you live? 6 months ago when I was shopping for a replacement, I got what I could get quickly, which was a no frills electric range. It is fine and I can cook as well on it as on fancier gas and induction ranges I’ve used.
tl;dr, if you’re having availability issues, don’t hold out and just get what you can get in a reasonable period of time.
Yes. The house we bought came with one and we are NOT fans.
I’ve mentioned this before on here, but take a look at the controls on whatever model you’re going to buy. The controls on ours to turn it on, to turn the heat up or down, are all just tiny icons on the glass top. In essence, the glass cooktop becomes both a touchscreen for the controls and a cooking surface, and those are pretty different functions! So on ours, if you want to turn the heat up, you have to select the correct burner from the drawing, then hit the plus sign 8 times or however many. And of course your finger has to hit exactly so that it’ll work. More often than not, we spend our time cursing the stupid plus or minus buttons. Call me old-fashioned, but I just want a dial. (I feel the same way about touchscreens in cars – just give me a button, please, I don’t want to navigate a menu while driving.)
We’re redoing the kitchen and going with an electric stove. It’s an antique, so I figure I’m helping the environment by keeping a few hundred pounds of iron out of a landfill.
I’ve never seen this. I think the newer models all have numbers and you just touch the number you want. For my bosch, it’s ‘on’, select burner’ then number so just 3 touches to start and one touch to change and one touch for off.
Second all the comments about good quality pots that are the right size making a big difference.
You have probably tried this, but just in case…on ours we can touch the plus/minus, or we can just touch the spot on the dial and it will turn on at that level. So for medium heat, we touch the middle of the circle. We only use the plus/minus to adjust it up or down a notch or two from the original setting.
Ok – I hate induction with a passion. I learned to cook on gas, really, really, really prefer gas and dislike a lot of things about induction (the special cookware, the finickiness of the controls, the inability to easily gauge temperature, etc.). My parents have one and despite being “top of the line” the thing breaks all the d*mmed time.
I have a gas stove that is approximately a million years old and I will keep using it until it dies, by which point I suspect I will not have a choice and will be forced into induction.
Yes, but it sounds like OP is trying to choose between electric v. induction, not gas. I think there’s definitely pluses for either gas or induction, but between electric and induction it’s a much easier decision, aside from the expense.
I have an induction hob with separate oven. My hob has touchscreen glass controls with a dot for each burner that controls heat and individual timers for each burner. There is also a safety button to lock in on or off position.
I love it. It’s extremely easy to clean, temperature control works well and the safety features are great. The individual timers are amazing, I can leave the kitchen knowing that in 7 minutes the burner will turn off by itself if I get distracted.
Con: if the controls get wet the hob turns itself off. This is excellent if a stockpot boils over, but I also have to remember to dry the controls quickly when I clean the surface, or it will start beeping and then power down.
I prefer dumb appliances and would not get a WiFi hob or oven.
last saturday at my daughter’s softball game, one of the spectators was wearing a Trump baseball hat. obviously people are allowed to wear whatever hats they want, but it occurred to me that i’m not sure ive ever seen anyone wear a hat for any other politician outside of a rally or event related to politics. i guess i’ve seen some people wear ruth bader ginsberg tshirts, but other than that, political related attire seems to be reserved for political related events. is this now like some kind of sports team?
Trump baseball hats are more popular than other campaign hats, but I do vaguely remember other campaigns selling hats. I am always surprised by the prevalence of Trump flags. I do not remember anyone waving flags for a politician.
I went boating in 2016/2017, and so many boats had multiple flags. I still go boating every summer and the flags have died down.
Oh, I’m sure there will be more than ever this summer.
“Is this now” I’m sorry, have you been living under a rock since 2016? How are you just now encountering MAGA merchandise in the wild?
Yeah, I saw a bunch last summer during the campaign season. To OP’s original question though – it’s always pro-Trump, never any other political position (i.e., general pro-republican or democrat, pro-RBG, etc) unless someone is wearing it for like, a protest march or something.
yes i’ve seen it since 2016, there are these people in my neighborhood with very large skeletons that they never took down wearing trump vance shirts. i guess i am kind of wondering why with trump and not with anyone else? assuming he doesn’t rewrite the constitution, it’s not like he can run again, so it makes less sense to me now than in 2016, though honestly it didn’t really make that much sense to me then either.
1) Big assumption
2) His success is entirely dependent on his cult of personality. It’s not like he’s actually competent at anything. He’s just brought it to an arena where this hadn’t previously been a thing.
it is exactly like a sports team. my husband tried to say that in a critical way to my FIL, but he gleefully reaponded “yes, it’s just like sports! our team is winning!”
Being a Trump fan has become a personal identity for a lot of people. Some people just looooove to be bootlickers.
I see lots of political attire, especially around elections, in the LA area, but it’s rarely Trump stuff. When I was in TX last Christmas, I didn’t see a lot of it either, which surprised me but we were in a kind of urban/hipster-ish area of Dallas so maybe that was the reason.
I got the painting.
After 5ish days of silence, my ex’s relative–his stepmother–called me back. She was gracious, and she had no hesitation about selling me the painting and no explanation for having gone silent on my straw buyer. The conversation reminded me just how scatterbrained (and deeply strange) she is, so perhaps I should have anticipated this all along.
Our nanny drove to pick it up this weekend, and it’s in my new office now waiting for the rest of the design and build out work to be done before I move in. It’s perfect in the space. I’m so tickled and so glad I called her, even if it means my ex might harbor some delusional belief this is about him. Ultimately, what he thinks is none of my business.
And in response to other questions: Part of what I find compelling about the work is the scene depicted, but it’s also the style. It’s a kind of outsider/folk art style with some mixed media collage components. I don’t think there is anyway to commission something similar without it feeling and looking like what it would be–a sort of forgery. It’s not as though it’s a photorealistic landscape, for example.
I actually have had another piece commissioned. My now-husband and I had art (and charity) fund options on our registry in lieu of other gifts when we got married because we didn’t need or want more traditional registry gifts. We did the art fund with a specific artist in mind–a local muralist whose work we love–and commissioned a large-scale work by him for our dining room. It was a commission, but he also displayed it as part of a gallery show before it came to us. We gave him basically no specs beyond size, and we love the result.
Yay!
Yes! I love a good happy ending.
A happy ending! Thanks for coming back and letting us know. I hope you continue to love it!
ahhh thanks for the update – this is such a great dramatic distraction from *everything*! I’ll be honest that I don’t get why this painting made such an impression but I’m glad you got it – hope it brings you much joy for a very long time!
So happy for you!!
Yay! What fun! I’m so glad this all worked out.
I know tech changes can be difficult so I’ve been trying not to complain, but the fact that my email address still doesn’t save is getting really frustrating.
Same. I’m getting the sense Kat thinks it’s resolved but it’s not for me (chrome browser on iPhone). Maybe something with the cookie permissions?
Same, it’s really annoying.
Agree that it’s really annoying. It saves for about two minutes, then it’s gone. Doesn’t matter whether I’m on my laptop or mobile using several different browsers.
SAME! I also really miss the “next post” link at the bottom of the comments.
I miss this like woah.
Agreed. Still not working. Also – the “you are commenting too fast” error that I get 50% of time when trying to post.
Is this something that happens if we use the same handle and email as someone else who just commented, or does it happen anyway?
Same. On Chrome on laptop and on mobile. It is REALLY annoying.
Same. And I find it annoying that the most recent post is not the top post. I don’t want to scroll down to find the most recent post, trying to pick it out from the others. I’m not normally resistant to change, but I haven’t much liked the changes here.
I don’t think the most recent post has ever been the top post . . .
Amen!! Only on my laptop does the scrolling pictures/post links work. When I view on a mobile device I have to scroll 1/4 the page to see if a new post is there.
Seconding the request for the next post-prior post link at the end of the page. Requesting also for a quick link button to return to the top of the page once you’ve reached the end of the comments for that particular post.
is everyone downloading their Kindle content before the option goes away? I keep seeing stuff in my book groups. I read romance so I’m particularly worried about it being censored in the near future.
https://blog.the-ebook-reader.com/2025/02/13/psa-download-your-kindle-ebooks-now-before-amazon-removes-the-option/
I have questions about the SAVE Act and changing your name on your birth certificate. I was just reading an online discussion where a woman was basically saying people (women) were stupid if they had not updated their names on their birth certificates when they married. I’m assuming that this is something that varies by state, are there states where you should update your name on your bc when marrying? I was born in NY, and married in MD and never heard it for either state. My passport, drivers’ license, and social security card all have my married name on them but it never occurred to me that I should change my name on my bc or that it was even possible.
Reason number 1,000,000 to never change your name!
Seriously. I would have stationery as “Mr. & Mrs. John Doe” but would never change anything legally should I marry, especially this late in life.
I used my husbands last name professionally and socially in the small town where we lived, but I never changed my legal name and continued to use it for tax purposes, email, banking, medical, etc. It greatly simplified the divorce process at a time when I was reeling and extra tasks were a step too far.
This sounds like nonsense. You are born, you have a name. It is a fact. You change your name later, maybe several times. The marriage license or divorce decree (etc.) tells the story. But the fact remains — your birth name is your birth name. How would this work for Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter?! Or Elizabeth Taylor? Would you get your deeds re-recorded? Your medical license amended and restated?
Every time someone touches an official document there is an opportunity for mischief (never mind abuses) and I imagine it’s disfavored absent absolute necessity.
As the mother of adopted kids with a birth certificate issued in my state, it reflects both their new names AND indicates that they were born to me thousands of miles from where I was on the dates of their births. Documents can tell “legal” lies and sometimes just lies.
Women almost exclusively take their husband’s name without a legal name change on their birth certificate. Passport is the easiest proof of citizenship with your married name but 70% of Americans don’t have passports. 80% of women change their name so the vast majority of women will have a hard time voting under this legislation.
And that’s considered a feature not a bug. It’s a move from the one family one vote crowd.
There’s no reason the legislation could not be amended to accept a birth certificate combined with a marriage certificate as proof of name. That’s literally how you do it to get your passport updated. There is zero reason that the same documents to change your name on the passport could not be used to vote. Except they won’t draft the legislation that way.
So you are saying that you should change your name on your bc?
I would get a passport rather than change a BC.
How easy will it be to get a passport, though? Especially in the months leading up to an election?
Probably still easier than a BC change.
Wait, what? Why would it even be possible to change your name on your birth certificate? That makes zero logical sense. It’s like overwriting values in a database–sometimes you need to be able to see the old values. Your name change is registered on your marriage certificate or name change order.
They may be what you think, but it’s not the way it works. At least in some states and maybe in all, if you go through a court process to legally change your name, you get issued a new birth certificate.
But you don’t need to go through a court process to change your name at marriage. The marriage certificate itself is the legal name change document. There is no such thing as amending your name on your birth certificate without going to court.
I’ve gotten married and changed my name twice now, and never changed my birth certificate. Passport, drivers license- yes. Changing the birth certificate doesn’t make sense to me.
That’s where I fall. On what green earth does it make sense for John and Mary Smith to give birth to Sally Smith Jones. They gave birth to Sally Smith, who later became Sally Smith Jones.
I don’t think get new birth certificates when they change their name by marriage. But when I went through a legal name change process, I was required to get a new birth certificate with my new legal name. So at least some times they reissue birth certificates with new names.
Changing your name on your birth certificate to your married name is not a thing.
I looked up the bill, and a Real ID driver’s license or state ID card is accepted. Most people have those by now, and if you don’t have one you should get one. Your marriage certificate is accepted along with your birth certificate when you apply for Real ID.
Real ID doesn’t solve the problem of people who have trouble obtaining legal identification, but that problem existed already.
I think this bill is stupid, but I’m so frustrated with the media’s reporting of all of this nonsense. Why doesn’t the reporting mention Real ID? We have no idea what is actually going on, and I’m willing to bet it’s worse than what is being reported.
The legislation references the Real ID Act of 2005 but that Act doesn’t have include a federal requirement for to indicate citizenship status. Legally residing noncitizens can also get a Real ID so seems like you’d still need passport or BC unless the change the REAL ID process?
It’s all dumb and confusing and addressing a non- existent voter fraud issue to distract from other stuff.
You don’t change your birth certificate when you get married. That’s not how it works at all.