Thursday’s Workwear Report: Organic Cotton Stretch-Twill Wide-Leg Pant
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’ve had great luck with this brand for casual tees and dresses, so I’m very interested in these wide-leg twill pants from Pact. They come in two different inseams, which is great because fit is everything with pants like this.
I would wear this “oak” color with a breezy white button-up for a comfy casual Friday look.
The pants are $88 at Nordstrom and come in sizes XS-XXL with 28-inch and 30-inch inseams.
Sales of note for 5/15:
- Nordstrom – 3800+ items in “new markdowns” — I kind of wonder if they've started marking down stuff for their Half-Yearly sale that usually starts the week before Memorial Day. Good deals on Veronica Beard, Vince, Reiss (esp. coats), as well as Wit & Wisdom and NYDJ
- Alexis Bittar – Vault sale! 100s of re-issued archival styles up to 70% off, plus 25% off all full-price styles too
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Boden – Up to 50% off with new styles added
- J.Crew – 40% off your purchase and 50% off dresses
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + extra 20% off orders over $125
- Lands' End – Up to 60% off sitewide + extra 60% off sale and clearance
- Loft – 50% off your purchase, and 5/15 only: take 60% off the LOFT Versa collection
- Mango – Weekend exclusive, 30% off everything, and free shipping with $260+
- M.M.LaFleur – Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Supergoop – 20% off sitewide + free Glow Stick (also, free shipping with $50+)
- Talbots – Extra 40% +15% off all markdowns, plus Summer Fridays One Day Sale (5/15), $19.50 pocket tees and $29.50 relaxed chino shorts.
- Theory – 25% off sitewide
- TOCCIN – 30% off select items with code! (You can't stack codes, but on full price items try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!)
- Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!
What are your favorite shoes for running errands? I feel like I wear my running shoes far too often
Birkenstock Bend sneakers
+1. These are my daily drivers
same
Birkenstock canvas slip-ons
I have a pair of white on cloud sneakers I wear exclusively for not exercising…I try to keep them clean, and I think they look a bit fancier than my actual athletic shoes I run or work out in. Or are you looking for non-sneaker options?
That’s what I do also. They’re my fancy athletic shoes that are never, ever worn for anything athletic.
Ha! I do the same thing with my on clouds. Mine are burgundy, though.
Kizik vegas
I usually wear fashion sneakers with my casual outfits. Sandals, in the summer.
Depending on what I’m wearing, loafers, sandals, or Tretorns.
If it’s cool, usually some basic converse sneakers, if it’s really cold, Ugg boots. As soon as the weather starts to warm up, crocs flip flops, or maybe athletic sandals (sketchers) if I’m going to be walking whole a lot.
I basically hate wearing shoes, and I prioritize something that’s light and not constricting and can easily come off the second I’m somewhere shoelessness is socially acceptable.
Unless it’s the heat of summer, some kind of fashion sneakers — adidas, puma, Nike… I probably have 6-10 pairs.
Depending on the season and weather, Thursday chelsea boots, Adidas handball speziale, or Birkenstocks.
either Birks, street sneakers with a comfy insole, rain boots, or insulated cold-weather boots. (Typically walk for errands.)
Gola Elan shoes!
I like my New Balance 574 sneaks. They’re a bit more “fashion” than my running shoes while still being super comfy. In the summer, though, it’s Birks all the time.
Vejas Campos. Or in the summer, olukai flip flops
Ilse Jacobsen Tulip shoes. Particularly in warm weather. Light and breezy. I put them in wash when they feel a bit dirty.
Vionic Winny sneakers – black. Bonus is arch support.
Dansko Paisley
Nike panda dunks or a pair of ingrid naturalizer loafers. In the summer, I often wear sandals.
LOL what kind of consumerist capitalist hell are we living in that everyone has errand-running shoes. I really hate this place sometimes.
Any advice for clearing up back acne? In particular, what products you use and how you apply them (spray? stick with a loofah?)?
Salicylic acid soap (I like Cerave SA) in the shower. I can just reach to wash my back, but if you can’t, then use whatever tool you use to wash your back (loofah on a stick, etc.)
Make sure you wash your back last so you’re not leaving conditioner on it, and let the soap sit on your back for a bit before rinsing it.
Agree with this except for the loofah part. Those things are bacteria breeding grounds.
PanOxyl Acne Banishing Body Spray is the best product I’ve found. Apply after shower. It doesn’t mess up your clothes.
Oral vitamin B3
homeopathic acne drops helped my kid with cystic backne.
Sometimes back acne is really swimmer’s itch. Clean/fresh towels every shower helps a lot.
Do you have long hair? Even if not, conditioner can get on your back and cause that. Sometimes I put my hair up and only wash my body. That tends to take care of it.
To rinse out my shampoo and conditioner I flip my head forward and rinse upside-down and then twist my hair up on top of my head (like in a towel, but no towel) for the rest of the shower.
Came here to say this. For me the culprit is shampoo or conditioner with dimethicone in it. I have to rinse thoroughly, clip my hair up, and take a soapy brush vigorously and thoroughly to my back.
The orange Neutragena body wash with salicylic acid. Don’t scrub or use anything abrasive.
Hypochloric acid spray after every shower and after the gym.
My skin hates salicylic acid sadly. Panoxyl 10% benzoyl peroxide foaming wash a couple times a week while in the shower, let it sit on the skin for a minute before rinsing. It’s the only treatment that ever worked for me besides birth control pills!
Paula’s choice AHA body lotion on stick that came with several disposable rubber sponge things
Has anyone here used an egg donor? If so, do you have any advice for someone considering it? After surgery and a few failed rounds of IUI, I’m not a good candidate for IVF due to severe endometriosis, my age, and how I’ve responded to injectable meds during IUI. Given my age and lack of insurance coverage for any of this, it seems like an egg donor will give me my best shot of becoming a mom. I do feel sad at the prospect of not having a genetic connection with a child but I’m afraid I’ll feel like a fraud and won’t feel like I’m the real mom. I’ve read a lot that these are common fears that don’t really come to fruition once the child is born so I guess I’m looking for any experiences or words of encouragement here. I have spoken with a counselor as well.
Please don’t. Donor companies prey on poor college girls who don’t realize that the pay is actually way too low (and just looks like a lot because they live in poverty), and are unaware of the severe long term health effects. I was almost conned by one of these companies when I was in college, and a friend that unfortunately was conned is dealing with insane health issues which have cost her many multiples of what she was paid. It’s a predatory and unethical industry.
On face value, without having done any of my own reading on the subject, this feels right. But OP, it sounds like you have a lot of fears going into this and it’s good you’re talking to a counselor. As a woman in my 40s who never was able to have children, I’m thinking of you, and hope that you find peace, however this turns out.
she said she is looking for words of encouragement, this is not that. to the OP – i know people who’ve had to use a donor and in the end, the felt like the baby was all theirs
OP said she wanted experiences or words of encouragement. This poster shared a relevant experience.
If OP is struggling with the decision, she should have all the information. There are not easy answers or choices. I chose not to expand our family further via surrogacy. My sister chose not to pursue surrogacy and continued to pursue pregnancy although she had 8 miscarriages between her first and second child. I would not have continued to try for that long. I would have been a wreck. Everyone needs to make the decision that is right for them.
The poster shared her opinion. That is not the same thing as an experience, which it is not clear she has.
There is no reliable scientific evidence for severe long-term health consequences for the vast majority of women who act as egg donors (or for women who decide to freeze their own eggs, which is the same process).
I did not use an egg donor but I do object to treating adult women (mostly college students or recent graduates) as if they are incapable of making their own decisions. We are not talking about women who are being forced to sell their eggs in order to feed themselves or their families.
It’s cute you think college students can afford to feed themselves and aren’t in an economically precarious position ripe for taking advantage of? Most kids don’t come from the type of privilege seen in this board and schools are MUCH more expensive now than they used to be even 10 years ago.
She shared her experience of considering donation and deciding not to donate. And the experience of her friend who donated and experienced health issues. That’s directly relevant to the topic of egg donation.
She shared an opinion not an experience. It’s an opinion I happen to share, but let’s be real – it wasn’t an answer to OP’s question.
So we should unquestioningly support people engaging in morally dubious behavior? No one is entitled to a child or to birth a child, no matter how much they want it.
Genuinely, I think this is what some posters do want. I don’t think it’s useful to give them only this, though. Questions always need to be asked, or strongly considered, even if the poster doesn’t necessarily want that.
I think it’s completely fair to raise the ethical issues but please be kind. I’ve heard others on this board say that no one is entitled to a child or to birth a child. I’ve never once thought I was entitled and it feels especially cruel to point it out to someone experiencing infertility.
Thank you for saying this.
I would love to have a second child. I could not carry another child due to massive health risks. What I didn’t do: offload those risks to someone who is willing to risk her long term health for money.
But people do make money/health tradeoffs all the time. There is a lot of data on how much more money people need to accept a physically more dangerous job.
Do think about when and how to tell the child. This can be a lot to learn for the first time in one’s twenties.
I have a relative who had a baby with a donor egg and my mom told me that she received the egg from someone who had frozen her eggs and donated the extras instead of discarding them. No idea about the details and I heard this third hand so it might not even be accurate, but it is apparently an option, though I have no idea how easy it is. With the increase in egg freezing, there will definitely be a lot of excess eggs in the future, as a lot of people will never use them.
OP-sadly this is the wrong place to ask for information or support on this issue. suggest you look for an infertility support group, preferably one that is local to you because they will be able to point you to the right resources.
This board is the most anti-assisted reproduction group I’ve ever encountered. I suspect a lot of women here don’t want or like children and push those views, consciously or not, on everyone else.
Disagree. There are a lot of women on here with kids – so many that Kat started the moms site. Many read and comment on both. But the process of having kids and having the financial resources to explore options means that there are a lot of women with diverse perspectives who have considered many options and had many different experiences. Other boards tend to be pro kids at any cost and F your career and who cares about the impact on poorer women.
Your suspicions are lazy and also nonsense. Weighing ethical concerns in the OP’s responsibility. You can’t just want what you want and not think through all aspects of it.
I love children, which is why I don’t believe in buying or selling them. Hope that helps.
I disagree. The board has never been anti-assisted reproduction. I never seem to hear pushback re: IUI or IVF. Years ago there were tons of threads about IVF as the commentariat moved through the TTC phase of life. People do express legitimate qualms about the moral and ethical and legal implications of relying on the use of another person’s body to assist your reproduction. Don’t know why you’d think this is a product of not wanting or liking children. Unless you’re saying that we don’t have personal desires that we are letting cloud our moral or ethical judgment?
I don’t agree. I think it’s that they are more conservative than they are willing to admit.
IDK Jane Doe – isn’t more of a conservative position to be super pro fertility interventions like egg donation, sperm donation, surrogacy, international surrogacy, embryo donation? Limited consideration of health issues for poorer women in relation to those various procedures and focus on carrying to term regardless of risks to surrogate. Those are all more typically conservative, no?
+a million. A lot of bitter angry anti child people here. My best friend did it twice and she feels those kids are really hers. Both eggs came from the same donor so they a bio sisters.
Yep – I really should have known better but it is helpful to understand the severe judgment I would receive if pursuing this path. I have looked into the ethical issues and all egg banks are not created equal. The one I’ve looked into requires counseling for the potential donor and many of the donors are already mothers who want to help other people become moms. Everyone is entitled to their opinions but I would hope people could be a little kinder in expressing their views. That’s my fault because I know how this group can be mean.
The word you are looking for is direct. People use the word “mean” here to describe anything they don’t like.
I know SO many people in real life who are straight-up cruel, everyone they know says they’re mean and tries to spend less time with them, and they will insist to their graves that they’re just “telling it like it is” or “being direct.”
Sometimes the fragility in these comments is stunning.
You can be stunned by the fragility and I’ll be stunned by the DARVO. You can think you’re right and I’ll think I’m right.
DARVO does not apply to this discussion, except in your imagination. Or what you want is universal praise from the comment section on whatever the OP wants to do without critical thought given?
As someone going through IVF: Don’t tell anyone how you’re conceiving your child because people love to share unsolicited opinions. It doesn’t matter how compassionate someone seems or their political leaning. They’ll still find a way to judge your choices.
Agree. This board is really odd on this topic (or at least one poster is). I haven’t encountered such ugliness around surrogacy like last week IRL. Get info elsewhere.
My cousin struggled for many years to have a child. Many, many years of failed IVFs before the doctors suggested egg donation. I don’t know the details about how she chose her egg donor, but they did meet her and they learned the donor’s detailed family/medical history. And there was an agreement that the future child could learn her donor’s name and contact them in the future if they want to.
She had two wonderful healthy children using via egg donation. She carried the pregnancies herself. She adored her children, and they adored her. Not for one second did she have feelings like you describe – of not being their real mother/no genetic connection. Having your own children is so much more than genetics. If anything, her children were even more precious to her, and she was so grateful that somehow with egg donation she was able to fulfill her dreams. She was so grateful to the donor.
Sadly, my cousin died of cancer when her children were still young. When the children were older teenagers, their father told them about the egg donation, and gave them the information about the egg donor. My cousin’s daughter reached out to the egg donor once, then never again to our knowledge. My cousin’s son probably will never reach out to the donor.
One of my good friends in high school did this – donor egg, husband’s sperm. Her husband is annoyingly proud that the kid has his genes, which she hates (understandably IMO), but she loves the kid….
My friend had two donor egg children due to similar issues. They did a lot of research on where the eggs came from and the clinic’s ethical practices. It went well and they have two lovely children. My friend had similar concerns but said carrying and delivering the kids made her feel deeply connected to them and those concerns were basically gone after birth.
Have you discussed this with your doctor in detail? My understanding is the endometriosis needs to be addressed whether you’re using your own egg or a donor’s. If you responded badly to the IUI meds is your doctor recommending an unmedicated transfer with the donor egg? Transfers often involve estrogen and progesterone several weeks into the pregnancy.
Used a bad word, rewriting. Have you discussed this with your doctor in detail? My understanding is the endometriosis needs to be addressed whether you’re using your own egg or a donor’s. If you responded badly to the IUI meds is your doctor recommending an unmedicated tr-sfer with the donor egg? Tr-sfers often involve estrogen and progesterone several weeks into the pregnancy.
Yes, this. When I was dealing with endometriosis, I had issues with implantation that led to at least one miscarriage. Once I had surgery to remove the endo, I was able to conceive and carry to term. I don’t know if this is your issue or not, and maybe you’ve looked into it, but it is something to consider. The results from surgery are rarely permanent, but it was effective long enough for me to get pregnant after dealing with secondary infertility.
I’d add that healthcare quality for endometriosis varies really widely. Nancy’s Nook has details on which surgeons are up-to-date and have better reputations.
I have both bio and adopted kids, and I just want to say that, while I understand where your fears are coming from, there is zero, absolutely zero, difference in the connection that I feel with my bio and adopted kids. There actually may be less than zero, in that I am closest to the adopted kid. I have never not felt like her real mom, and my husband has never not felt like her real dad. (She was adopted internationally, so we have no contact with or even knowledge of her bio mom.) I promise you she would also say we are her 100% parents, and when I’m 97, she is the one who will visit me.
I wish you the best on your journey. I hope there is a baby at the end of it.
I think the ethical concerns are there and you should consider them, but as for a word of encouragement, there is research showing that your DNA (when you gestate the baby) will also become a part of the baby through your DNA’s effects on the baby’s gene expression.
I don’t know if this is true (instagram meme source), but I’ve also heard that if you are an oldest child, your DNA becomes part of the DNA of any younger siblings, which I always found sweet.
I suspect this may be true based on studies showing that second-born boys have a higher chance of being gay. And the more older brothers a boy has, the more likely he is to be gay. The mechanism isn’t DNA, I don’t think, but it is still evidence that older bio siblings prime the pump, so to speak, for their future siblings.
Whenever I’ve heard that study referenced, I always think about families like the Duggars. I’m sure there are kids in that group who are gay, and just….unable to be out of the closet. Between that, and then especially given all the CSA that occurred, just a horrific way to grow up.
It’s about the mother’s immune system and its reaction to gestating boys.
Given what I think of my oldest brother, this horrifies me.
SAME
Same.
My best friend did it in her 40s–not sure how long she had tried before that–and had same-sex twins, extremely non-identical though. She seems to have no regrets. (I mean, why would you, once they’re here?)
Overwhelmed by twins (!) she did depend on her husband for most of the infant care (he was the oldest, she the youngest in their families) and now, years later, blames him for their behavioral faults. Which just occured to me as a possible connection? Not her egg, not her fault if they don’t take the trash out or mow the lawn? (NOT a reason not to do it!)
I totally stand behind doing this by the way. Of course, every one is different, but from what we’re reading here, once you have the baby, it’s YOURS, and how it got here is an extremely minor concern. Best wishes to you!
(I like anon at 10.52’s comment about the DNA.)
Hi, OP! I also have endo and years of fertility issues (including 1 chemical pregnancy and 1
miscarriage). I am not sure how old you but I am 35 and prepping to do my first transfer in the next month or so, and my doctors seem optimistic. IVF with your own eggs may still be an option.
One thing no one has mentioned is embryo adoption! That is a very valid option and does not require an egg donor, if you decide against that route for whatever reason. Wishing you all the best as you decide what’s next on your route to grow your family.
I did not use one but seriously considered it. I spent a lot of time reading perspectives from children of egg donors and egg donors and evaluated both egg donation and embryo donation.
I ultimately decided against it. I would have wanted a known donor (not necessarily someone I knew – a donor willing to have their info shared with the child from birth) which is much harder to find through egg donation banks. My fertility issues are due to cancer treatment, and I also did not want to spend the rest of my life explaining that I used an egg donor because of my cancer. And yes, I’ve had a lot of therapy and I still felt this way. I also worried about that the child might want nore of a relationship with the donor than the donor might want over time; and how the child would feel if that wasn’t possible.
I had IUI coverage but not IVF and ultimately did 15 IUIs over 2 years and got pregnant using my own eggs. There are alternatives to IVF (and IUI), but they have lower success rates and thus take much longer. I opted to go that route.
Thanks for sharing this perspective and thanks for considering the perspectives of the children born this way. I’m happy for you that were able to have a child the way you chose.
I don’t have kids or tried to have kids, but I am an adopted child. My mom is my mom because she loved me. I’ve never thought of her as not my mom because I don’t share dna with her. I’m also very similar to her.
Yes I did! Hopefully you’re still checking. Best decision of my life. My son is 100% mine, I feel like his mama absolutely and I couldn’t love him more.
I’m growing with my menopause journey. For similarly-aged ladies: is it for you that you aren’t just larger but differently larger? I can’t just go up a size to fix things; maybe I need to change brands? Talbots won’t fit at all — I thought that would be the solution. Is there Sansabelt for women? I’m like an extra robust 10, so not in women’s sizes. I’m in rufflepuffs and dresses that have a waist but are loose below it. That’s not how I historically roll.
Yes, body shape often changes with menopause, not merely body size. What is the specific fit issue that you have — where are garments too tight or loose or pulling (Do you need a larger waist size compared to the hip measurement? Do you need more fabric in the stomach and less in the rear? Have your waist-to-hip proportions changed?)
My grandmothers both said that their weight didn’t change a lot, but their shapes did. So, differently larger. What I see in women over about 45 is that they have less fat in the hips and thighs and more in the midsection. I think it requires an entirely new way of dressing for a completely different body shape, which I haven’t mastered yet myself.
Wish my hips and thighs would get the memo. Instead, I’m still a pear there, and now I have a rounder belly to match! My chest is also bigger. My weight has been stable for the last 5 years, fwiw. I’m learning that the streamlined, kinda sporty styles that I’ve gravitated toward my entire life are not working nearly as well anymore. It kinda sucks. I can change my style, but it doesn’t feel like “me” yet.
That’s my experience: no a**, lots of thigh gap, but in lieu of my waist, there is this midsection thickness that means I need to size up 2 sizes, and then pants and skirts are too big everywhere else.
I am post-hysterectomy and in perimenopause, but my body has changed in the past 2 years. What helped me was just trying on different cuts of pants versus a specific store. I’ve never worn a ruffle puff dress but I do wear shirt dresses more.
this is what I hear the most often – that the weight shifts in perimenopause and settles in places it maybe hadn’t before.
spanx and NYDJ both have some shaping at the waist that might be like a Sansabelt (just had to google, not that familiar). wit & wisdom too. there ARE 10Ws that you might want to try, but it’s sometimes harder to find them. maybe try a brand like universal standard?
i think the perimenopause brands are like chicos, j.jill, caslon. eileen fisher. sigh.
The blogger JoLynne Shane is dealing with this weight shift and talks about how clothing fits differently and how she’s wrestling with that. No specific post to recommend, but her posts often touch on this topic.
I’ve appreciated her honesty about that. It’s a hard change!
Which product do you use to clean tub showers? Do you use different products on the tub, glass, and/or tile? I wipe down the glass and tile after each use and leave the bathroom fan on for awhile after each shower.
This is my first house in my life with tub showers, and I’m so confused.
simple green for everything….I am a one stop shopper!
This is what I do for my tub and shower (tile – no glass). I am standing in the tub for basically all of this process.
Take down the shower curtain liner (washable cloth material) and curtain and put in the wash.
Spray tub and tile with Dawn Powerwash and scrub with a sponge, rinse with water. I find this gets off most of the built up grime.
Spray tile with Clorox (I think the bathroom foaming bleach cleaner), let sit for a few minutes, scrub with sponge and use a stiff brush to get in the grout. After the tile is rinsed I do the same thing with the tub. Rinse everything really well. Rinse your feet off too.
Then I spray the Method daily shower spray over the newly cleaned tub and tile because it smells nice.
Assuming you have grout with that tile, Clorox ruins grout and makes it disintegrate so long term use is not good.
I use dish soap.
Me too! So easy, and I just rinse it off with the wand.
I saw a funny post on Instagram about how absurd it is that we all have to spend extra time washing the place that is doused with soap and water every single day. Universe, give us a bone here.
I agree so much.
It actually does help to use a cleanser that rinses more cleanly than say, soap + hard water (recipe for soap scum).
Honestly? I use a scrub brush and runoff body soap while I am showering on a day when I am not in a hurry. Scrub from the top down: the showerhead, the walls, the tub, the glass doors, the faucet and handles, the floor. Rinse with the handheld shower head.
If you don’t have a handheld showerhead, use the biggest plastic cup you can find in your cupboard lol
LOL, we have a giant plastic mug that was a giveaway from when the local sportsball stadium opened two decades ago. It is designated as the Bathroom Cup. It has washed babies, washed dogs, washed the bathroom itself, bailed water, watered plants, you name it. Just don’t drink out of it.
I keep a “cleaning loofah” in the shower for just this — bit of shampoo on it, scrub down all the walls while I’m in there, and then scrub the tub itself later (baking soda works great on mine).
I have been friends with someone for over 20 years, but haven’t seen them for that long a time because we live on opposite coasts and both of us have careers and kids. A work obligation takes me to her part of the country so I told her I could fly into her city, hang out with her for one night, and then take an Amtrak for 4 hours to the other city. She was excited and was happy to host. I bought a plane ticket and an Amtrak ticket and also, because she said she wanted to go to a particular spa and that spa was running a special bonus, I also got a gift card for the spa. About 2 weeks later, she told me she’s very sorry but her kid qualified for the state tournament in a sport and it falls on the same weekend, so she cannot host me after all. She offered to pay for my change fees, but the gift card, etc but I was so in shock that I brushed it off as no big deal. I’ve had a couple of days to sit with it and I had to lose half the cost of the plane ticket and some of the train ticket as I bought the restricted versions of both (lesson learned). Now what do I do with the spa gift card? Should I give it to her, ask her to buy it or just wait until the next time I am over in that area of the country? I’m feeling a little raw about it because if I were in her shoes, I would have had my husband go to the tournament instead, or even asked my kid (a high schooler) to go by themselves instead of canceling plans with a friend who lives across the country.
I hear you, but also? Qualifying for state is a big freaking deal for a high schooler. So I kind of get where she’s coming from, even though it really sucks for you.
Yeah. State tournament is huge.
OP here – I would have totally been fine with her saying that her kid is in a sport that may have a tournament that same weekend so please hold off on making any nonrefundable travel plans. I have kids in high school also – the state tournament weekend is set well in advance as people need to make travel arrangements for that also (and those hotels book up quickly too). It was not mentioned at all in our multiple texts.
OK, that’s totally fair. It would be super weird, though, to ask her to cover your costs. I think you’ll have to chalk this up to life happens / people aren’t perfect.
Kids being kids, I don’t think I told my parents when states was until like two weeks beforehand.
She also may not have known or assumed her kid would make states.
I made states in high school, and it would have been really hard if my parents opted out of seeing me. Especially, and I mean this gently and not unkindly, if it was to hang out with a friend (and not for, like, a work event or something).
If you feel really raw about the gift card to the spa, I definitely would not just give it to her (it would probably compound your negative feelings). You can sell it or even contact the spa and see if they will reimburse it. Especially if you explain the circumstances and that you live out of town – I’m sure it says non-refundable, but you never know if you actually chat with someone there.
Agreed!
Would you have been, though? I think you’re just looking for ways to justify your hurt here.
States is a huge deal. That you would even think about the kid going alone makes me think you don’t understand it’s a really big deal.
It sucks and I’m sorry but no one asked you to buy the gift card. I’d keep it until next time you are in town (I think if you gift it you’ll be even more bitter )
+1
Yeah … this is where I come down. I am not a fan of people flaking on plans. But qualifying for state is such a big thing in HS sports. If it were my kid, I wouldn’t miss that for anything. (And I’m not even a sports parent; I’m a performing arts mom.)
The performing arts equivalent is all-state orchestra or choir, which is similarly a huge deal that no parent I know would miss.
Oh, I 100% wouldn’t. All-state is my kid’s dream.
The spa was her idea – this is a spa in her city and I don’t know anything about the place. When she mentioned it, I looked at the website told her they are running a special and I was going to get a gift card to cover a specific treatment (the spa was adding a 10% bonus on the card) and she said that was a good idea and she was thinking about getting a gift card also.
Ask her now if she wants to buy it. I don’t see why you can’t change your mind on that.
That said, in your shoes, I would have just gotten a hotel in the city for the night and kept my itinerary so I could see the city and have a nice solo spa day and train trip. Sounds like a dream to me. Way better than losing the money. But I know some people don’t want to do anything on their own.
Yes, why not just make a solo trip of it?
+1
Knowing your friend was already thinking of getting her own gift card, I would definitely ask her to buy it. Or I agree that I would /consider going to that city/spa anyway for the day and bring a great book for the train ride.
I don’t have kids. But this would rub me the wrong way. She made a commitment and I wish she would keep it. If, in response to your proposal, she had said maybe and it depends on her child’s sports schedule, then this change would be fine. But she accepted, you guys made very specific plans, and now she’s dumping them.
I’m assuming that you aren’t interested in keeping your original itinerary, including the spa, but getting a hotel in her city – or asking her to pay for your hotel in her city.
I would 100% not recommend asking the friend to pay for your hotel. She already offered to pay OP’s change fees and buy the spa card, and OP declined. It would be super weird IMO to now come back and say “oh pay for my hotel.”
OP is in the wrong here for not accepting the offers (change fees and buying gift card off of her) immediately. Ok she was in shock, but that’s life. She can go back and say “I changed my mind, pay me” but that would be rude at this point.
Could you do the reverse by going to your work obligation first and then visit with her afterwards on the way home? I try to assume good intentions. You don’t have a window into the rest of their lives to know if the child going alone is an option or if there’s a reason her DH isn’t attending instead of her.
I would offer the spa gift card to your friend. She will probably offer to pay you for it.
I am sorry that your plans got canceled! But I think you should give this friend some grace. Who knows if her husband had plans that weekend too and couldn’t take the kid. Or maybe the kid specifically requested mom to come. I can certainly understand your feelings, but I do not think you should be mad at your friend for taking her high schooler to an out of town tournament.
Yeah I would be happy for my friend that their kid had such a wonderful accomplishment and would continue on with my trip to her city and see it myself, and have a spa day solo? Crappy situation but no one’s fault and we just make the best of these things.
I would gift the card to my friend and then allow fade. If she wanted to visit me in the future fine, but I wouldn’t put in any effort again.
+1 I would not put any effort into visiting or reaching out in the future.
100%
ok I can understand your disappointment but States is a huge deal in high school and I’d have been really bummed if my parents didn’t go.
in an ideal world she would have told you about the contingency ahead of time so you would have purchased more flexible tickets but I’d give her grace here, especially bc she offered to pay you your sunk costs.
As far as costs now, I’d ask her if she’d really use the spa & buy the GC off you (or heck, sell it online), but I feel like re-opening the travel costs now would be awkward.
OP here – yes, I think I’m mostly annoyed that she did not mention the contingency because I could have paid a little more for a fully changeable plane ticket and refundable train ticket (and just not gotten the spa gift card).
Yeah, this seems like the most fair complaint, and I think you’re definitely justified in being annoyed about this, but it is possible that her kid did unexpectedly well and qualified for state when they really didn’t think it was something to be planning for. Let’s hope that was the case, at least.
i can understand this. however, could it be that it was like totally out of left field that her kid made states? like maybe she knew when it was going to be, but never in a million years expected her kid to make it, so didn’t mention it. My kids are younger, but given their team’s performance throughout the season, I never would’ve thought their softball team would make it to championship Saturday, yet they did, and i ended up having to rearrange plans.
Exactly this!
And why would you ever make nonrefundable travel plans? What if you got sick, or something had come up on your end? The risk is just not worth the $10 you save on the hotel or even the $50 extra for a plane ticket that can be changed.
Honestly? You’re in the right. She shouldn’t have canceled plans. That is rude and you have every right to feel upset about it, especially since you had made definite bookings. But if I were her, I would have done the same thing (including paying your change fees).
Yeah. The situation just stinks. Sorry it happened to you.
Thank you for the support. I feel better after just getting it off my chest.
I have 2 kids in sports, so I can empathize with our friend’s predicament.
But it’s also true that you cannot make any plans with this friend. She’s showing (and telling you) that she cancel on you. If you lived in the same city, sure, you could hang out, and if she cancels last minute it’s not big deal.
But you don’t live in the same city. So if you two meet each other, she has to be reliable. Otherwise, it’s a huge waste of time and money and hurt feelings. I would be polite about the cancellation, but otherwise I would not make any plans with her in the future unless she comes to you.
Unfortunately I think she’s not planning to visit any time soon, so we may just be phone call and text friends, which is fine. In my shoes, what would you do with a $120 nonrefundable gift card for a spa located in a city you have no plans to visit (it’s in a suburb)?
How do you feel about giving it to your friend? I would be so sad and frustrated in your shoes. That said, if you trust that your friend did her best to balance two competing priorities and is genuinely sorry that she has to break plans with you, it might be a nice gesture that also showcases you as a great friend. Two reasons – first, I generally find that I feel most comfortable with my decisions over time when I chose to the bigger person (for lack of a better term) or make a gesture of friendship and acceptance to someone who maybe won’t reciprocate or maybe doesn’t “deserve” it. Friendships are long, and ebb and flow, and perspective changes.
Second, I would feel terrible about having to cancel on a friend who had planned to see me and incurred costs, and would worry that I hurt our friendship. It would make me feel very valued and cared for if my friend was gracious and accepting even though I did a blah thing. I certainly don’t think that you *have to* give it to her or let go of feeling hurt, but just wanted to suggest another way to think about it.
It’s $120. Call the spa and if they won’t refund, just give it to her. In the grand scheme, that’s not worth this amount of angst. That’s a tank of gas right now, a few things at Sephora, etc. I’d be hugely disappointed but I also can see where it’s like a kid that’s sick. Something came up where they are needed. Sucks. Just sucks.
I would either allow Friend to buy it off me, call the spa and see if they’ll make an exception for a refund, or sell it at a discount (like for $100) online.
This
Donate to a women’s shelter in the city to either pass along to a client, or use as part of a fundraiser/silent auction bundle?
In your shoes, I would just give the gift card to my friend.
I would gift the spa card to friend. It’s a sunk cost. Giving it to her is a gesture of goodwill and forgiveness.
If friend is thoughtful, she’ll send you a gift card to something in your city.
If friend is not awesome, well, then you’ll know.
All the people saying to drop this friend are insane. I would never expect a friend not to put their child’s huge achievement above all else! The kind of person who would flake on her kid’s state tournament for a spa day is not the kind of person I want to be friends with. If anything, it’s the friend who should be dropping OP for her selfishness.
Um, what? Why would friend drop OP? OP wasn’t selfish at all. Quite the opposite – she offered to travel to see a friend, incurred the costs of doing so, bought a gift card, and was gracious when friend cancelled on her. Did you even read? What is wrong with you?
Omg relax. Nobody is saying anything unreasonable.
I’m surprised at the number of people thinking it would be ok to just send the other parent or skip. This is a big deal for the kid. I don’t have kids and wasn’t in sports growing up, but I can totally get how it’s a parenting moment that is important and might not have been anticipated. Visiting the friend is an extension of a work trip. That already shows not worth putting the child second over.
totally agree – plus the fact that she hasn’t seen this friend in 20 years. sorry son i can’t come to your once in a lifetime state tournament because i might see my friend who i last saw 20 years ago.
She should go to the state tournament. It is a once-in-a-lifetime moment for her child.
It is very possible that she didn’t even know when the state tournament was when this trip was planned, and/or that she didn’t think her child had any chance of making it.
This is why I never make nonrefundable travel plans.
I don’t have kids, but I also don’t think you can be personally offended by this. I have made plans to meet up with friends when I’m in their area for work and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. Life just happens. Honestly, I would have kept the travel plans and gone to the spa. And told my friend that I hated it didn’t work out this time but that you had decided to stay in x hotel so if something changed, to let you know.
Yes, she might be saying she doesn’t prioritize you but to be fair, you haven’t seen her in a long time and this is what happening in her daily life.
I think your friend is being kind of $hitty— she could’ve given a heads up that sports was on the table. I wouldn’t go back, and honestly would write off your friend.
It is very possible that the friend never thought her kid’s team would make it to state.
Anything you wish you had known before selling your house?
how often it would need to be ‘perfect’ during the showing process and what a time-suck that is. In hindsight would have just stayed in a hotel for the first weekend of the listing, maybe even the first week depending on your market.
I always think of this comment whenever someone asks:
https://corporette.com/suit-of-the-week-marot-x-j-crew/#comment-4367505
We did something like this back in 2015. We actually hired movers to take a LOT of stuff, about 50-60% of the stuff we would be taking with us eventually including big furniture pieces that looked overcrowded in the small apartment. We bought cleaner furniture at Ikea for the kids’ room to look coordinated. Flowers in every room for the staging photos. No clutter.
Hiring the movers cost us maybe $10k but the house sold for 120k over ask if I remember correctly so it was well worth the money. Thankfully it went the first weekend but that may have just been the crazy market at the time.
Sometimes a seller will ask to lease back the house for a month or two after closing. Do not do this, even with a written lease agreement. If something goes wrong and they refuse to leave, it can take months to get them evicted.
Eh, we did this and it was fine. It helped that our agent knew the sellers’ agent really well so there was some accountability there.
I agree. I allowed the seller to stay two extra days. That turned into a week because she couldn’t get her sh$t together, which, once I moved into the building I found was pretty much the way she rolled. She got mad that a week after closing I was demanding possession of MY condo and left it filthy. Never will I ever allow possession after closing again. And never will I ever move in without a professional deep cleaning first.
Our experience was in-between these two – they left on schedule, but also they were kinda grody and refused to pay for a professional clean.
I need to find a new pair of neutral, work-appropriate sandals. I’m in higher ed; this is perfectly appropriate for my office, though I strongly prefer to have most of my foot covered. Toenail exposure is fine. Has anyone seen any good ones lately?
I’m a big fan of huaraches as work appropriate sandals, though I’m not usually caught up on trends and can’t speak to whether they’re particularly current. Also keeps plenty of for coverage while still letting them breathe enough that you don’t have as much stink creating potential.
Anyone have a lead on wide width huaraches? Thanks!
Origo
Dansko Tiffani sandals in tan
Look at Ecco, I got a pair of sandals from there last year that I wore to work almost every day.
I bought these last summer and love them – more elegant and streamlined than other fisherman-style sandals, comfy footbed, and soft leather: https://www.ghbass.com/products/womens-fisherman-sandal-tan?srsltid=AfmBOormgsY3P4fSZ9uX7AWQWiAtahh4kmTvmeeYxzTZ9G4oEJnk1pl9.
Oh, I really like those! I never thought of fisherman sandals, but I can see these working well!
Please give me all your recs for the lines above your lips! Mine are really developing way faster than everything else on my face and overall aging me. In a certain night, I feel like I look disfigured. I’m not interested in anything drastic but if you have a miracle potion or three to recommend please post!
*light not night (typo)
I assume you are talking about the smoker’s lines/bar code on the upper lip. The only thing that actually helped was fillers and botox. I only do it 1x a year but it really has helped make them less apparent and stop it from getting worse. I don’t know if you consider this “drastic”. I do not.
Yes those lines. I do consider botox/fillers drastic. What if it goes wrong? I’m just super cautious.
Use a nighttime lip cream and slather it on like a clown would–way beyond your lip lines. It’s like eye cream to prevent crow’s feet. La Neige is very popular but I don’t like the candy smells, I use Tatcha night lip cream and it’s great. I do think it would make a difference over time if you start using it, or at least stop progression. I have been using it for 10+ years and my lips are in pretty good shape (mid-40s).
Thanks for this!
Does anyone have experience with ara shoes? How do they fit? How is the cushioning? My feet are somewhat wide in the front and narrow in the back. I also have bone spurs so i need some padding in the heels. TIA!
where are you located? i’ve seen ara shoes at a lot of specialty shoe stores over the years – should be easy to find some in person I think. those shoe stores are some of the only ones left with real salespeople who understand feet so well worth a visit.
I just bought the Oleanna beige sneakers from a local shoe store last weekend and so far so good. Plenty of room in the toe box. I’m usually a size 39, but lately I have been finding this size slightly too small. However, this is not at all the case with the Oleannas. They fit perfectly. The cushioning is very nice, even when I remove their insole to insert my own orthotic.
I have similar feet and have tried a bunch of their styles, and they’ve been hit-or-miss depending on the style and shape. They’re worth a try!
Does anyone have a Samsung top loader washing machine? Any reviews or feedback? Speed Queen is out of budget.
I’ve had one for the past 6 years, bought secondhand from a military family that had bought them new a year ago but were being moved overseas unexpectedly. Has literally never given me any issues, not mechanically and not in terms of cleaning clothes. We got ours for a steal, but I think they’re probably worth retail price, as long as modern ones haven’t lost longevity.
I have one and really like it. It gets clothes very clean, and there are settings that have higher water levels if that’s something you care about. We bought ours during Covid when the pickings were slim, so we ended up with a high capacity model. Now that I have kids with adult-sized clothing, I appreciate that so much more!
We had Samsung washer and dryer and have replaced them with I think Whirlpool. I don’t remember what my issue with the washer was (I think it was just generically not great), but the electronics panel on the dryer liked to just randomly stop working–I could fix it by removing the covering and disconnecting the control part and reconnecting it (you can learn everything on YouTube), but obviously that was a pain. I like Smasung for their phones, not so much for their larger appliances.
Mine is almost ten years old, and it’s perfectly fine. I wouldn’t buy another Samsung because of how great it is, but it’s lasted longer than some of my other appliances. No repairs, no leaks, no smells. It’s not great at dissolving powdered detergent, fwiw, even with hot water. And sometimes the spin cycle is too aggressive and clothes get stretched out. I kinda miss our old fashioned agitator because it washed faster and more thoroughly than the HE water saving models now.
I am here to tell you that if you can possibly find a way to stretch the budget to accommodate a Speed Queen set it will save you money in the long run. Mine are sixteen years old, work perfectly, and have never needed a single service call.
another peri question for my fellow travelers – what habits have you picked up for good in peri? what habits have you left behind?
You have to get enough sleep. It’s no longer sort of optional.
Oh god this. It so matters. I’m a night owl struggling with this, and I enlarged and printed out several copies of a meme that says “A big part of adulting is taking your ass to bed on time” and have stuck copies on my fridge and bathroom mirror. I am trying to train myself, with mixed results.
More protien.
And more fiber. So much fiber.
Fighting for the care I need. I needed HRT and wanted it and refused to let doctors who tried to put me on SSRIs or some other drug deter me.
Sleep, eating at regular times, and very little alcohol
Drink plenty of water, eat healthy (and in reasonable portions), and just generally treat yourself and your body kindly.
We have a family over fairly regularly for Friday dinner at our house. Friend said they likely can’t do this Friday because they are inviting another family to their house for dinner. But, if other family can’t make it, then they’ll still want to come to my home for the evening.
I said that’s fine in the moment, but now that Friday is tomorrow and I’ve made other plans, I’ve realized I should have said, let’s do another week then.
In hindsight, this feels like an obnoxious ask from friend. I’m not sure that she thought through what she was really asking of me.
ha yeah. if I were Friend, I would think nothing of it if you texted “hey, know we left things up in the air about dinner tomorrow, just wanted to let you know we made other plans in the interim also. See you another week!”
This is obnoxious in the context of friends, and I wonder if she took your standing invite for granted. Honestly, it’s the kind of placeholding I do with the local grandparents all the time, and it’s okay in the context of our relationship. But I wouldn’t take a friend for granted in the same way as close family. I think it’s fine for you to let friend know, “I know your schedule for tomorrow was in flux for dinner, so we made other plans. Let’s get together again next Friday!”
Yea thanks. I texted back with words and feel much better.
Now if her plans fall through, I wouldn’t be the one reneging because I didn’t keep Friday open as backup, after inadvertently agreeing to be!
I have a long drive tomorrow to take some depositions that are going to be really sad. Any recommendations for some happy upbeat audio books to download for the drive there and back? I’m thinking a nice bubbly rom com or something similar.
If you’re driving by yourself (it’s definitely not suitable for coworkers), the My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast is absolutely bonkers and silly.
Mortified Podcast – adults read their childhood diaries out loud to an audience. It is so funny and so human!
I really like Alexis Hall’s Ten Things that Never Happened – it’s like your favorite holiday Richard Curtis movie in audiobook form. Will Watt, the narrator, is my secret audiobook boyfriend….
Also enjoyed: Grace and Henry’s Holiday Movie Marathon, Charm City Rocks, The Secret Lives of Country Gentlemen, and anything by Beth O’Leary.
For funny memoirs, I really like Kal Penn’s memoir You Can’t be Serious, Judy Dench’s Shakespeare, or the Man who pays the Rent, and Seamus O’Relilley’s Did Ye Hear Mammy Died?
Curtis Siddenfeld’s Eligible is a perfect audio book for your drive. It’s a romcom loosely based on Pride and Prejudice, written well enough to be engaging, and no death, illness, true conflict, or awful accidents.
Good luck with the drive and with the depositions.
I like anything by Carl Hiaasen. The narrator is good, there’s humor, and there’s enough complexity to keep my interest but not so much that it requires concentration.
+1, and if you like non-fiction with a similar tone, anything by Craig Pittman.
I’m cackling at the idea of listening to a podcast entitled “my dad wrote a porno” with my colleagues! Alas I’m driving by myself so that sounds like maybe the right vibe. Lots of good choices, thanks for the recommendations!