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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Ornate Paisley Shift Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This paisley shift dress from Vince Camuto looks really gorgeous. I like the feminine ornamental detail at the bottom, but I also like how it otherwise looks like an easy, versatile, black dress. It's lined, and it's machine washable/line dry — but do note that it has an exposed back zipper. The dress is available in plus sizes 14W–24W and regular sizes 0–14 (with only one or two left in each size for the latter). The online descriptions point out that the plus-size version fits true to size while straight sizes run large. Ornate Paisley Shift Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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310 Comments

  1. A colleague and I submitted a proposal to a national conference and it was accepted, but the cost to attend is fairly high (registration, flight, hotel, etc.). Yesterday, we learned that our institution will not cover any of the cost, which is understandable given recent tightening of purse strings, but disappointing, since usually they’ll at least cover registration even if the other costs are too much.
    I am willing to pay my own way to present at this conference. Being accepted is a significant accomplishment relatively early in my career and attending could help me further some areas of interest that I’ve been trying to develop. However, my coworker has made it clear that without funding, she will not attend. She is close to retirement and has made multiple comments lately about “running down the clock.” She enjoys conferences, hence the proposal, but would rather not go than pay out of pocket at this point in her career, which I completely understand.
    My question is this- Can I present at the conference without her but list her as a co-author? I don’t want to seem like “I’m willing/able to pay so I’m just going to do it without you” which is why I would make sure to still give her credit for her work. But would this be an acceptable compromise?

    1. Yes, it’s normal to present without your co-author as long as you credit them.

      1. Yes, lots of conferences will accept multiple papers from the same people, but have a requirement that each author can only make one presentation. Thus, presenting without your co-author is required.

        Congrats on your acceptance! And if you have the cash to spare, know that the networking opportunities available are far worth it. Don’t skip out on any events!

    2. FWIW, I think it would be fine. This conference is more important to you than to her. Your plan is good, give her the proper credit and do what you need to do for your career.

    3. I do think that’s an acceptable compromise. If I were in your shoes, I would first try to see if any funding is available from the conference organizers. Some will foot at least the cost for registration for speakers.

      2. The conference gives a 20% registration discount for speakers and has some scholarships available. I applied for the scholarships, so there’s a chance I won’t have to pay out of pocket, but the deadline for confirming presentations is before the scholarship notification date so I need to be prepared either way.

    4. Yes, it is very common for only one author to present a coauthored paper. Not a big deal at all. I would just tell your colleague you’re sorry to hear she can’t attend.

      Also explore other sources of funding. Some conferences will provide limited funding for early career scholars without institutional funding.

    5. I think it would have been nice for the coworker to “suck it up” and go with you, as a favor, as good will and to help out someone early in her career. The cost may or may not be prohibitive for her. It sounds like she may just have one foot out the door, being close to retirement. But here we are.

      1. This is neither necessary nor common regardless of how close to retirement she is.

      2. I don’t understand this comment at all. The co-worker not going in no way hurts OP. If anything, OP will shine more as the sole presenter.

        Also, I think it’s ridiculous to suggest the co-worker should spend this much of her own money as a “favor” to OP. Even domestic conferences can easily cost $2k when travel expenses and registration fees are added up. When was the last time you did someone a favor that cost $2,000? Regardless of whether or not the co-worker has one foot out the door, it’s very understandable for her not to want to spend that much of her own money (or heck, maybe she actually can’t afford it). Blame the company for not finding the funds to support its employees, don’t blame the co-worker for not wanting to spend a huge chunk of her own money to attend a work thing.

        2. +1
          We all make our own decisions. It could be that the colleague would rather not attend and this is a way of getting out of it. We never really know what others are thinking. Maybe it actually is a financial constraint. Regardless, let the decision stand. Paying her way for her–um, such a strong no here. C’mon. $2,000 is money for your 401k, an extra mortgage payment, a vacation.

    6. In the legal industry this is perfectly normal if not common. Also, I second the recommendation to ask the organizers if there is any funding available.

    7. Yes, I did that laat year when I wasn’t even supposed to be presenting, I was supposed to be the credited coauthor. Just make sure to notify to organizers so they can print an accurate program.

  2. Managers, any thoughts on managing across? I have a fellow manager (my level/peer) in my company who is making his direct reports miserable. He wants them to work more than our company expressly requires, he micromanages and won’t let them send emails to contacts, and he sends them about 50 emails a day after hours/on weekends and expects them to reply. They report to me on a few things as well, so they complained. I talked with him casually and he thinks they’re not working hard enough (?) and they don’t have attention to detail so he “has to” micromanage them. I am worried that they are going to leave the company (in which case more work would fall on me as it is really hard to replace people in our field), so his poor management does affect my work. Is there any way to fix this? What would I say to our boss (CEO)? Should I ask AAM? Thanks.

    1. What level are you and your peer? I see you report to the CEO but that can mean different levels depending on the company.

      But yes, work through this with your boss. If your boss is the kind of CEO that has 13 directors, 6 VPs and the CFO reporting to her, then this may be a dead end. If you and your peer are senior management, this is a big enough problem it’s worth discussing.

      What solutions would you propose? A re .org? Manangement training? Firing peer?

      1. I think we need training first. He won’t admit that there’s a problem with his communication/assignment style. This is a law firm so we have a managing partner (CEO) and then my peer and I are one of 15 partners.

        1. Ick, law firms are their own beeed of mgmt dysfunction. My standard Corporate Office suggestions won’t apply :-)

        2. Lol it’s a law firm? Butt out. He gets to manage his associates how he wants. No one will care or give him management training.

          1. But they’re my associates too, that’s the problem, I don’t want them to leave because he s*cks!

          2. If you want them to be your associates, keep them 100% busy so that he can’t use them on his matters

          3. Why lol? Partners abusing associates and driving them away is a known issue. It’s detrimental to associates but also to other partners who need associates to run their practice. It’s also a known issue that management usually won’t step up to do anything so long as abusive partner is profitable. Why is that acceptable to you?

            Anon at 11:19 is right- that’s the best thing you can actively do unless you have enough power to get this guy to knock it off (or can get someone with enough power to get him to knock it off.)

        3. Oof. No real advice but good luck. Attorneys are notoriously bad managers. I (sadly) suspect that any action taken by the managing partner will reflect the poor manager’s perceived “worth” to the firm as it can be shown on paper/in numbers with little regard to the real world personnel issues. You might keep that in mind even when/if you tell the managing partner about your true concerns and bring him something he can use to convince the other stakeholders. You might also compile a list of anonymous complaints (make sure to strip enough info so that even your peer can’t identify who the complainant is) and bring it on paper.

          You may also consider how you can counsel the reports to respond to his unreasonable demands and then back them up. Give them solid scripts to respond to emails or set boundaries that you know are defensible in the eyes of the managing partner (and other partners). Essentially, help them manage up or push back in appropriate ways.

        4. Wait this is a law firm? What does “He wants them to work more than our company expressly requires” mean then? The more billing, the better. I’ve never heard of an upper limit on work in a law firm.

          1. I left a regional big law firm for a much smaller firm and obviously it’s still a billable hour world, but the culture is very different here – I work with a few of the biggest rainmaking partners here (with the caveat that their books are probably smaller than just about every partner at my old firm), and they’re very cognizant of the fact that I left my old firm for more of a lifestyle firm (i.e., reasonable billable hour expectations, willingness to adjust workloads so that I rarely work past seven or work weekends). I could see unreasonable expectations being out of touch with our culture here but I agree with the people above that the best way to protect against that is to keep the associates busy enough that they’re free to turn down jerk partners work.

    2. If any of them are non-exempt, it could actually be illegal to make them work more or even send them after-hours emails if he expects them to reply.

      1. If they are attorney’s they are likely exempt from all OT laws, and even if they weren’t… their jobs would be held in the balance whatever the laws say.

    3. Best for the firm would be for this partner to get better, through guidance from the managing partner/training. If he might be receptive, a conversation with you where you talk about the consequence that impacts both of you (good associates leaving—the best will probably leave first) if he carries on this way could be a good start. He should know that you’ll be unhappy with him if good associates leave.

      If you can’t make him better, can you claim some associates for your own and protect them/their time? Even if they still have to do the odd project for him, it’s so much better to primarily work for a great partner who will protect you. Obviously, this isn’t as ideal for the firm and the associates as a group as making him better, but at least it insulates you.

  3. I use my phone as a hotspot often, and I’ve been spending a small fortune on data. Any recommendations for a better phone plan or alternative?

      1. I’m forever on wifi which is why Google Fi works for me, but Google Fi isn’t for someone who uses lots of data like OP who uses her phone as a hotspot. They charge $10 per gig, albeit with a fee cap at 12 gig.

      1. Definitely buy VPN service if using public wifi. There’s often latency with VPNs and some are worse than others. But if you google reviews for them, you can find the ones that have minimal issues. . .they may cost a bit more, but you get what you pay for. And latency aside, protecting your data and privacy is paramount when using public wifi.

        1. I did a fair amount of research and ended up with NordVPN. I also have it on my phone so I can use airport wifi without too much worry.

          1. Not sure just how much data you need, but I just switched my phone plan to Mint Mobile and it’s a large savings. Their plans allow for mobile hotspot. The largest plan is 12GB/mo and as long as your phone is unlocked, switching was painless.

  4. I work for a “cool” company and long-lost colleagues from previous jobs keep reaching out to me on linkedin to ask that I recommend them for jobs. Do any of you have a polite and friendly way to say Hell No?
    Usually I believe in karma, in women helping other women, and in saying yes when possible, but I’m not willing to stick my neck out for someone I havent worked with or talked to in over five years.

      1. Agree: ignore.
        Job seekers are often super active on LinkedIn, so they’re messaging you and everyone else they are remotely connected to that works at a “cool” company. But it’s usually understood that people with jobs are nowhere near as active. So it wouldn’t be unreasonable or look rude if you never responded to these.

    2. “I don’t have any input in hiring whatsoever. And I don’t often get to hear about openings until they’re filled But if I hear of an appropriate opening, I’ll let you know.”

      If it’s a rec for something applied to: “I haven’t had the opportunity to work with you. I don’t want to hurt your chances by not being able to pull out day to day examples the way those close to you can. That’s the sort of thing they look for.”

      2. If I think the person is nice and competent (even if it was a colleague from five years ago and we haven’t stayed in touch), I’d be happy to shoot a quick email to HR saying that I didn’t work closely enough with the person to recommend them but that, from my knowledge, they may be worth looking at. I’ve helped out acquaintances before as long as I thought they may be a good professional catch. Or, at least, I’d send a friendly response to the person reaching out to wish them luck in the process.

        If I really feel like I am being used or don’t think the person is competent, I’d be more likely to reply “I don’t help with hiring, but thanks for the heads up and keep me posted” or something similar.

        If you feel like you are being used because the person reaching out is someone who you otherwise find insincere, then you shouldn’t feel obliged to help them. But, if you the person reaching out is perfectly sincere and just trying to use any connections in her network, I’d consider helping/ at the very least replying.

    3. I usually will ping HR and mention their resume but make it clear that I am not recommending them myself because I haven’t worked with them in a while or don’t have good knowledge of their skills. I think it’s silly not to shoot a note over – people trade favors, and this is how you build political capital. If they get the job on their own merits, you’ve earned some goodwill from them. Heck, I’ll do it for people I’ve met once at a conference. This is how you build a network. As long as you’re honest with everyone, it’s fine.

      I know I’m going to get skewered for this – but men are much better at trading favors than women. It has nothing to do with merit or skill – they know how to play this game. (ok, now skewer away.)

      2. I agree with this. A friend from college helped me get an internship by mentioning my resume to his boss, and then I killed it in the interview and got the role. Having someone on the inside can really help. If not for him, my resume could have gotten lost in a sea of resumes or kicked out of the system for whatever reason. You don’t have to recommend the person personally, but if you are able to help get their resume in front of someone who would be interested, that’s great.
        I also understand that OP works for a really desirable company, so it could be possible that the people reaching out aren’t really “friends” and OP feels used. I get that, so help them at your discretion, but I would try to be more open to doing what I can to help.

      3. Same. I worked for The company in my industry. I’d always try and look the hiring manager up internally and emails he resume over with a note like “I worked with X at my previous company. I can’t speak to work quality or fit to the position, but wanted to flag it for you as I’ve always found her to be a good colleague (or whatever).”

        And/or I do the job seeker the favor of looking up the hiring manager in our system and sending an email to connect the two, as long as it’s a remotely reasonable application (eg former account manager looking for account manager job, vs former developer applying as CFO). I only do this odd I vaguely know the hiring manager though and I send a separate email saying I have no idea if it’s a good fit or not.

        99% of the times I’m actively thanked by the hiring manager whether or not it’s a fit. The other 1% I imagine my email gets deleted. Nobody complains.

        1. Agree with this angle. I say something very similar, like “I don’t understand the details of her skill set in underwater astrophysics, but I know that she’s very personable and was well-liked at Company XYZ”. Soft skills are important, too.

      4. I agree with this advice. If these are people you worked closely with 5 years ago, I’m confused by your unwillingness to recommend/notify HR of their application. Assuming that you otherwise liked them and it’s just a time thing, I would email HR and say that you worked with them x years ago at company A, if possible say something that you enjoyed about working with them, and note that you can’t speak to their more recent experience. If it is someone that you never worked closely with, you can either tell them no or (what I would do) email HR, say that you know them from when you both worked at company A x years ago, but that you didn’t work closely with them and can’t speak to the work.

        For what it’s worth, I’ve had male friends put me in touch with people they know who work at a company so I can ask general questions about the company, I speak with the person, and they offer to reach out to HR for me. I do sadly think that men are more willing to do this

      5. Adding to say, they are clearly going the extra mile to make their interest in the job known. Doesn’t that get them a few points? Wouldn’t HR like to know, if it came down to Candidates A and B all other things equal, that A struck up a friendly conversation with an old connection to try to learn more, and B has been radio silent? I think you got good advice here as to what to say and how, just wanted to add this perspective. I don’t think it is sticking your neck out necessarily unless you know them to be some sort of flight risk.

      6. Agreed. As someone who’s on the other side of this (I.e. making hiring decisions), I can tell you that I don’t think it’s weird at all when someone from my org emails me a resume and gives be honest context for how they know them, i.e. “Don’t know her well; she worked in another department at my old job, just doing a favor.” It’s a good way to continue to build your network inside your own org and also externally.

      7. I completely agree with you and was about to say exactly this. Unless someone is your mortal enemy or something, help them out and reconnect.

        1. I don’t want to be harsh, but I wouldn’t call this a dilemma. It’s a standard way to network and get a resume noticed. Only put in as much time or effort as you are comfortable given the past relationship (or lack thereof) but assume a favor will beget a favor. If it’s truly from a stranger with no other personal connections (which appears from the below convo about the AAM article) I would ignore.

          2. Agree. Also, frankly I consider it a nice thing because usually if I refer someone who gets hired, I get a referral bonus.

    4. AAM just did a thing on this, as it’s a terrible new feature of LinkedIn that people are using stupidly. I co-sign the other response options of “Sorry, not related to the hiring.”

      1. The AAM thing was significantly different because it was people who didn’t know the poster reaching out. If I knew a person who worked at a company I was applying to, I would always reach out to them. In fairness, I would ask for a few minutes to talk about the general company culture, not just a request to mention me to HR – but it is standard advice to reach out to people you know who work at a company to which you are applying. I think it would be a lot weirder if someone I knew started at my company, and that was the first time I learned they were interested in a job here.

        1. Oh, yes, definitely different, and I agree with you generally, though I’d probably take a different tack depending on the role/person/etc.

          My point (poorly communicated? not communicated? need more coffee?) was that there is now a visible feature that prompts people to ask for a referral/connection when there is a job, and if that’s popping up, people are using it thinking it is ok and acceptable “because it’s LinkedIn, so of course it’s professional! They’d only offer professional things!” (no). I think it’s just enabling people–connections or not, known or not–to be more bold than they might be, and faster.

    5. People reaching out to professional connections for job opportunities is normal and I don’t think you ought to be dissing them for doing so. If you don’t want to recommend them you are free to ignore the overture, but don’t act like they’re freaks for doing a perfectly normal, acceptable thing.

    6. As someone who was fairly recently job searching – I was also pretty aggressively told to reach out to people I worked with x number of years by recruiters setting me up for interviews with XYZ company. Maybe that wasn’t good advice and I did push back initially but at some point I’m the one looking for the job and they are the pros telling me this is how to get in so I have to try it.

      Basically, they may feel just as awkward as you do about it but it’s the thing that is done in some industries. I agree with all the advice of previous posters – just wanted to share that it may not be that they are trying to use you so much as getting the same advice to reach out to anyone and everyone with a connection.

    7. That’s so interesting that you say you believe in karma yet are so dismissive of people who need a job. You’re a smug job-holder now, but someday you may be (will probably be) a jumbled job-seeker and I sincerely hope that teaches you a lesson in kindness and assuming good intentions.

  5. Making Galentine’s and Valentine’s cards this weekend at a craft party. What’s your favorite G/Valentine you’ve received – or wished you had?

    1. I love Victorian-style Valentines, so that’s what I always send to my loved ones.

    2. In college I always sent Valentine’s care packages to my friends at other universities. It was before Galentine’s was really a thing, but the idea was similar- whatever’s going on in your love life right now, you have friends who love and care about you and that’s something to celebrate! I always made the cards over the top ridiculous with ribbon, lace, glitter, fake flowers- basically whatever I could find in the seasonal bins at the craft store.
      Now I make a point to send flowers to friends on Valentine’s day, but you’ve got me thinking I should bring back the wacky cards- they last longer and are definitely more personal than flowers!

    3. I think this is a know your audience/ friends thing. I’d make some with Ruth Bader Ginsburg quotes, some with Cardi B, some with SSDGM from My Favorite Murder. Also lots of Parks and Rec quotes could be good.

    5. I like Galentines with Leslie Knope quotes on the inside.
      “Kate, you poetic and beautiful land mermaid!”

    6. A long-ago colleague gave out over the top ridiculous valentines to all of us at work one year. Most of us still display them on our desks. Nothing inappropriate, just gaudy and corny and we loved them.

    7. On the topic of “know your friends,” I just got through a really grueling volunteer project that had me coming home every day and saying “I hate everybody!” A good friend somehow found an oven mitt printed with “I hate everybody” and sent it to me this week for early Galentine’s! I about died laughing!

  6. Cute dress. I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality of my Vince Camuto pieces, I have some trouser style pants and a vest and they have held up well. I am a fan of my dry cleaners, so YMMV.

    1. I have a parka-style Vince Camuto coat that I found at Nordstrom Rack 5 or so years ago that has held up nicely. I live in the south so it doesn’t get super heavy use, but I wear it whenever the weather here drops below 35 and I’ve worn it on winter trips up north and been happy with the quality.

    3. I have their Elven booties, and they are insanely comfortable for how high the heels are. Good brand.

  7. Where would you go in October, for 10 days, with a one-year-old, if budget wasn’t much of a concern?

    2. Location wouldn’t matter so much to me as the ability to go to (or bring with me) family members who would be willing/able to babysit my child.

    3. International: Barcelona. Doable with a toddler in a stroller or strapped on, lots of parks and playgrounds, good food.

    5. A cabin in the mountains (maybe the Adirondacks? I’d have to check the weather) where I could look at fall leaves, hike, hang out on the porch, and boat on a lake.

      1. Similarly I’d suggest Sedona. Close to the Phoenix airport (under 2 hours). There isn’t much to do other than just BE in nature. Also I do not care for the restaurants there, so you can just chill in an apartment or something in the evenings. In hindsight, my kid is too big to wear hiking now and I regret not doing it when we could have strapped him into a Kelty and been on our way!

    6. I wouldn’t go to Portugal unless baby-wearing works very well for you. Lisbon is not stroller friendly at all. I think either Italy or France would be great – you could combine a few days in one of the big cities with a few days in the countryside and you would see a lot without a hectic pace of travel (which is key with a baby IMO).

        1. My BFF did Lisbon with a baby and loved it, but they didn’t even bring a stroller, she just baby-wore the whole time. I can’t do the baby-wearing thing, it hurts my chest and my kid is a giant so I think she would have been way too heavy at 1 year old (I know there are people who wear toddlers but I don’t understand how). I’ve been to Europe several times with a baby/toddler, but it would be really daunting for me to travel anywhere without a stroller, so I’ve avoided Lisbon for that reason.

          1. Wear on your back from 1 yr old plus. We do a lot of hiking so I wore with the toddler tula up until age 3.5 (about 40lbs). Let them hike up and nap down in the carrier. Not different than hiking with backpack.

          2. Lisbon is not a city for seeing with a stroller. The sidewalks are ridiculously narrow.

    8. New England. Start in Boston. Drive to Maine. Maybe even up through Canada and down western New England. Be a leaf peeper! Do the history tours! Stop at all the children’s museums! Fun!

  8. Help me decide between two jobs! Both jobs are in state government and have excellent hours (8:30-5, no weekends or nights, don’t even have a work phone). Job A pays 30K less but is a 5-10 minute commute, whereas Job B is approximately 45-50 minutes away. Both involve similar duties substantively. The other advantage of Job A is that because it is local, I would better be able to network/develop professional opportunities long term. Under normal circumstances, I would choose Job B, but we have a six month old child and being closer by will make things much easier for child care (not to mention almost two extra hours with my kid every day), so I’m leaning toward Job A even though I’m peeved that they won’t move up my salary at all (i tried to negotiate but to no avail). Any thoughts/suggestions?

    1. Don’t pick a job just for a short commute; you will regret it if there are any other disadvantages. And I think $30K less is a significant disadvantage to most people, but if you are talking $300K vs. $270K, that’s obviously different than $60K vs $30K.

      Curious why two substantially similar jobs in basically the same area would have such a big differential in pay, too.

      1. Yeah I wouldn’t want to take a job that’s clearly less valued by my employer.

      2. I disagree, I would gladly give up 30k in pre-tax salary to save myself 1.5 hours of commuting every day. And I don’t earn nearly as much as the OP.

        30k is a big number, but it’s not 30k in actual dollars: it’s probably more like 20k after taxes, and the longer commute would have increased fuel and car maintenance costs and would likely result in her outsourcing more household chores and possibly paying more in childcare costs. You’re probably looking at more like a 10k out of pocket difference at most. That would be worth it to me for the mental health benefits of a short commute, especially with a baby.

    3. If one job pays $100k and the other pays $130k, take the former. But that advice doesn’t apply when one pays $65k and the other pays $35k.

      What is your household income? How far away does your partner work?

    5. Is your current salary sustainable? If so, I’d go Job A.
      Commute would be huge for me. A 45 minute commute, I would guess, has the potential for a much longer commute due to traffic or other issues. Even a much longer 5-10 min commute for the same reasons is still probably going to be shorter than a good commute to B.
      It also sounds like Job A is a good place for your career and professional development because of the networking opportunities.

      1. I read it wrong and thought it was a 30K increase from your current position versus the same salary. But if Job A’s salary is doable and you feel good about it otherwise, still A.

    6. Job A if your current salary is doable. A short commute with a baby sounds amazing.

      Signed,
      My 60 minute commute is so draining

      1. Co-signed. I take public transit so I get some leisure reading in, but I would hate doing it by car and I wish I had more time with my baby.

    7. Have you been able to identify why the salary is $30k lower? That would be a factor in my decision. I took an in-house gig at a non-profit with a huge pay drop and never really got over the feeling that I wasn’t valued. It was made worse by the fact that inexperienced attorneys who were simply older were paid more, despite their lack of legal work experience.

    8. Is this a US fed job? Does it have a different GS level or is it just a range w/in the level they are offering you?
      Normally I would say take the less pay and better commute (because time=$ when you have a toddler and are exhausted), however, the fed gov seriously locks you in at whatever you start at. You’ll be pulling teeth to get anything higher outside of whatever their regular yearly updates are– I would take the higher paying job, then network from within to get back to the closer job w/ the higher pay. Just my personal experience w/ gov. Also, most of them offer some wfh opportunities after a period of time, so you may not even be doing the entire commute all of the days fwiw.

      2. Bummer- in this situation, I’d probably take the lower pay & shorter commute- after taxes it will only be like $20k and you can always apply for a different position later on when your kids are older.

    9. OP here, thanks all. The salaries for both are in the 150-200K range and my husband makes more than I do, so we are comfortable either way, though obviously the 30K is not insignificant. From what I know at Job A, they just refuse to start people at the higher salary who are coming in from the outside, so trying to network my way back in to the job and negotiating a higher pay probably won’t work. Relatedly, no WFH opportunities from Job B (i asked a colleague who works there and it is only permitted in emergencies). so I think unfortunately I have to go with Job A despite my unhappiness at the pay differential.

      1. If you think you can work towards a higher salary at Job A then it may be your best choice. I’d still be pretty hesitant to take a job that undervalues their people/pays below market. It usually shows up in other ways as well.

        1. ITA but I get the sense that this is less an undervalue situation and more just budgetary constraints and some weird attempt at being fair (when I tried to negotiate up, I was told that they had to be fair to other employees at similar experience levels). I’m definitely peeved but I also really, really hate commuting (and this is driving, not public transit) and want to be local if at all possible.

          1. I got that line once and successfully negotiated a raise in advance. It was a lock-step law firm situation. They told me they couldn’t give me $x right away because “fairness” but would give me that on Jan. 1…which was a whopping two months away. Can you maybe negotiate a planned raise? Say $x now but $x+20k in 6 months? Just a thought.

        1. yep, tried that and got nowhere fast. I pointed out my experience and credentials and built that up the best way I could but they just weren’t having it. Very frustrating but I have to do what’s best for me and my family and for now I think that’s Job A.

      3. You are part of a household. In this circumstance, you are choosing between household incomes of approximately $450k a year versus $420k a year.

        The ten extra hours a week are things people in your income bracket pay through the eyeteeth for.

        2. +1! And even people not in your income bracket! We have a HHI of $150k (in a low cost of living area, but still) and we outsource everything we possibly can for more time with our young child. I can’t imagine voluntarily giving up 10 hours a week, let alone spending that 10 hours on commuting, which (to me at least) is less pleasant than working.
          I think some of the happiness studies have also shown that a long commute is one of the hardest things to adjust to. You eventually get used to things like less money, longer work hours or less pleasant colleagues, but a long commute will make you unhappy for as long as you have that commute.

      4. I was leaning towards Job B, because 30k makes a big difference to me. But if you are talking about the difference between a HHI of 350k and 400k (or even more), I would totally take Job A with the shorter commute. Either way, that is a huge HHI and you will be fine

      5. definitely take the shorter commute. I just took a $50k pay decrease to be able to work from home a lot and a shorter commute when I do go in. A bad commute really sucks especially when you have kids.

    10. Job A! The short commute will give you so much time and breathing room that money cannot make up for.

      1. Yeah, this. I took a job with 5 min commute that pays 50k less rather than a job with a 45 min-1 hour commute. Wasn’t worth the extra 50k to give up 1.5 hours a DAY (6 hours a week) of my life.

    11. Are the commutes substantially different only in distance, or also in infrastructure? I have a 50-minute commute, but it’s mostly rural, so I’m screwed in the winter. I use up a lot of PTO when I can’t safely get to work, despite the office being full of everyone who lives right next to the interstate.

      Also, I’d check into the urban planning in your area, if applicable. If the potentially awesome commute includes a road that’s about to be torn up for a three-year project, for example, that would change things.

    12. At first I was thinking job a because you have a child but perhaps you can use the extra 30k to outsource some other tasks to make up for the time difference. Also, is working from home an option?

  9. It’s my boss’ last day. He is leaving on pretty bad terms. His replacement has already been hired. He has no more authority over anything. And he’s still telling me to do stuff and giving me instructions for future meetings. Like dude, just go home, we’re done.

    1. Eh, i would just nod and be appreciative as I can on the face. He obviously has an emotional stake in his job and is worried about leaving it to others (might be the reason why he is leaving). I felt the same way leaving my last job. BUT, I got over it real quick.

    2. My boss did this too, giving instructions until the last minute, even though she had already stopped checking emails and was ignoring substantive conversations. Ignore, ignore.

      1. +1 do what you can to make it through the end of the day. Even though he is leaving on bad terms with the company, he should not leave on bad terms with you.

    5. He’s probably having a worse day than you, so unless it’s super egregious, I would also just smile and nod. It’s good to be kind to people.

    6. Good grief. I guarantee he’s having a worse day than you. “Dude go home,” seriously?

  10. Would anyone have a rec for a decent quality bed linens set—sheets, pillow cases, duvet cover etc– that include deep pocket fitted sheets. I want to make a gift to someone who has a think mattress. Many thanks.

    1. The Company Store makes extra deep fitted sheets that fit my mattress well. I don’t know the measurements of my mattress but no standard fitted sheets will fit on it. Maybe 18 inches? It’s excessively thick.

    2. Not sure if they have matching duvet covers but Target’s Threshold sheets are excellent.

      1. 2nding Target- although it’s tough because as a gift, it may seem not as nice (but it really is!!!!). Maybe give them a gift card to pick out their own?

      2. Their percale ones are the bees knees. Seriously. Crispy, sleep cool, wash like iron (and they are wrinkly because all cotton.) Cannot recommend highly enough.

  11. I’ve recently started practicing yoga more frequently (primarily vinyasa and restorative – no hot yoga), and the cheap mats I have are terrible. The really cushioned one slides, and the cheap Gaiam one I bought has zero grip so my hands and feet are constantly sliding around. Any yogis have a favorite mat? I’m willing to spend up to $100 for a good mat, but I don’t want to shell out a lot of money for something that won’t work for my practice.

    1. I’m not a fan of yoga (at all) but I think a mat towel (it’s the same size as your mat) may be helpful to prevent or reduce sliding.

    2. I love the Sweaty Betty one – I’ve used it weekly+ for 4 years and it still looks new. I do use it with a yoga towel but the times that I haven’t, I haven’t found it too slippy.

    3. My Lululemon mat is great and I have never found it to be slippery. One side is a bit more grippy than the other.

      1. Second. I don’t do the whole Lulu clothes thing but their mat is the ONLY one I’ve ever used (and I’ve used a lot, including highly recommended by experienced yoga people ones) that doesn’t slip. I sweat a lot though, so YMMV.

      2. +1 I love my Lulu mat. I am not a huge fan of the company as a whole and I don’t wear their clothes, but it’s a good mat.

      3. I love my Lululemon. I’m another who has serious issues with their company, but fully endorse the mat. It’s so supportive and gives me a good grip. I do use a lulu mat towel for sweatier classes, but if I forget it I’m happy with the mat’s performance by itself. I’ve had it for over 5 years and it still looks new, even though I don’t do a particularly good job of taking care of it – I wipe it down after sweaty classes and take it into the shower at home for a full spray down every couple of months. I know several friends who have the Manduka and are equally happy with it. If your studio sells mats, perhaps ask them if they have one that you could test out?

    4. I bought one at TJ Max that I love. Its thicker than a normal mat and thus more cushioned. I’ve never had problems with sliding.

    5. Manduka has the nicest mats in my opinion. I think mine is an eco lite, but they’re all nice. A lot of people also like Jade, but mine lost its stick. Lululemon is also pretty popular and sticky, but I don’t think they make extra long mats like Manduka or Jade, which is worth it if you’re tall.

      3. I love manduka, jade and lulu as well. I just got my lululemon one, and like one side more than the other, but do need to be careful if I leave a sweat puddle not to put my feet there for downward dog (but another part a few inches away is fine)

    6. I also do vinyasa/restorative and no hot yoga, but sweat a lot (even at relatively low temps). I got a Jade mat to replace my cheap one and I like it.

    7. I’ve been doing hot yoga for about a year (and many years of non-hot yoga before that). I finally pulled the trigger on a Lululemon mat on Black Friday (after using a cheapie and a mat towel) and it’s completely worth it. I definitely waited way too long to upgrade.

    9. I bought antislip yoga mat towel (with little plastic beads) like 10years ago and love it. It is from Yogamatters. No slipping and in case I sweat it, I throw it in the washing machine with rest if the outfit.

    10. Jade Harmony. This is the best sticky mat I’ve tried. Caveat that I only use this for vinyasa/restorative classes. I have found that the rubber in the mat breaks down faster when it’s left in heat (like if I leave it in my car over the summer), so I’m not sure that it would do great in hot yoga classes.

      1. +1 I love my Jade mat.
        Additionally, I would recommend bringing a hand towel to wipe off your hands and feet, or to place at the top of the mat to give you some extra grip in down dog and other positions. IME it doesn’t matter if the room is heated, I still get really sweaty in vinyasa. Towel helps a lot.

    11. I use a small towel – plain white hand towel size. Cheap from a bed and bath store in like a 10 pack. Great for wiping down self or mat or laying under you hands or feet for a little extra grip.

    13. Lululemon mats are great. Super sticky right off the bat, and you can get a thickness level that is good padding for you. Downside: if you use yours frequently (I used mine 5-6 days per week), the stickiness starts to wear off after a year.

      I love my Manduka mat and it’s been going strong for 2+ years. It still looks and feels new in terms of stickiness and padding. Downside: it doesn’t start sticky. You either have to slip around for the first few months (although it was still better than a cheaper mat or my worn out Lululemon) or you have to do a salt rub (there are instructions on the internet) to get it to be sticky immediately.

      I’ve used my friend’s Jade mat a few times and it’s also really sticky even though it was obviously old and worn. Not very padded though.

  12. In the past, I’ve really liked the Gap bi-stretch skinny pants for my business casual workplace. The fit has always worked well for me, although I’m less of a fan of the more recent versions. However, the pants always seem to fade within a few washes. I only wash them on cold and always air dry, but they still fade and end up looking very warn quickly. While the pants are cheap, it just feels incredibly wasteful to be going through them so quickly. Any tips for extending their life OR any suggestions for pants that hold up better with a similar fit (machine washable strongly preferred)?

    1. If they’re black, I’ve dyed black clothes in my washing machine. A LOT. I started doing this years ago when I was on a dance team and our “uniform” consisted of black bottoms (skirts or jeans.) When you sweat through a one-hour show, you do laundry a lot and my black jeans were fading fast. A friend clued me in on how to dye clothes in the washer and it’s saved me a ton of $$$ where buying clothes is concerned.

      Buy RIT dye. If you use the powder, get 2 boxes. Mix it in a jar with water. Fill your washer with the hottest water your clothes can be washed in and add the dye. Add one cup salt per the instructions on the dye box if necessary. Let the washer agitate to make sure the dye is well-mixed.

      Make sure your clothes are already wet. Add them to the dye bath as uncrumpled as possible. Do not overload your washer — do two loads if necessary. You’ll need to keep your washer company through this process as you’ll need to keep resetting the wash cycle so the clothes are in the dye bath for at least an hour.

      Rinse with cold water, throw in the dryer to fluff out the wrinkles and hang to air-dry (also a good way to help save the color.) Voila! You now have new pants/black clothes all for the price of two boxes of dye and the time spent babysitting the wash cycle!

      I do this at least once a season with my black pants, black camis, pretty much anything black that I wear that is washable. It’s a huge money/time saver — beats having to shop for new pants (especially when I have a godawful time finding pants that fit right) and it’s like having a closet full of new clothes for just a little bit of effort.

      1. I’ve considered this, but wasn’t sure how well they’ll take the dye. It can’t hurt to try though. Thanks for the detailed instructions!

    2. This happened to me too with the same pants, same washing method. I stopped buying them. I have had better luck with Old Navy and J. Crew pants.

        1. I’m a pear and asked this a few weeks ago and got recs for J.Crew Cameron pants. They were 40% off yesterday when I ordered 2 pair. I’ll let you know how they work out.

        2. Different poster but I love JCrew Cameron pants. I buy them in long and hem them so they are regular length and not ankle length. They were recommended on here and they are just perfect for me as a pear! I wait for sales so they are less expensive.

    3. I’ve worn BR Sloans for years and not had problems with the black or navy fading. You can often get them at a reasonable price when BR has 40-50% off sales and I’ve also bought them on Poshmark.

    5. I wash all my darks in Woolite for dark clothes and have noticed a remarkable difference in the colorfastness of my clothes. I also wash only in cold, and do not dry most pants. I also wear pants 3-4 times before washing. HOWEVER, I have gap bi-stretch and ON pixies that looked terrible and faded and wrinkly after 1 washing. I dry clean those only and only when visibly dirty or stretched out. Otherwise, I hang them outside my closet, by the cuffs, as soon as I take them off.

      FWIW, Old Navy Harper pants do fine in the washer and look way better than my bi-stretch pants. I hang or lay flat to dry.

  13. If you have a marketing person, what does that person do? I work at a firm of about 40 lawyers, we have one marketing guy (title is marketing director, he has been in the field 15-20 years) I don’t think he does much. Trying to balance my expectations before I start complaining.

      1. I think his job should be to market the Firm as a whole (look for print and digital opportunities, tables at events, sponsorships). He frequently goes to chamber of commerce events or dinners but even when he brings lawyers, he does not connect lawyers to other people. No introductions. Yes, lawyers need to do their own and get comfortable introducing themselves. But I think kts part of the normal role. He seems to want to meet as many people as possible but those don’t do anything- no follow up, no do you need a business lawyer, no…anything I can see.

        I also expect a marketing person to help ID events and resources. I ask him about community or industry events, ask him for resources on things like client retention and data…he has given me new nametags and sent me to an invite-only event to which I was not invited (the hosts were gracious but I understood from him it was a general business come and go event, not a formal seated event). I specifically asked him last week to research alumni opportunities that had a volunteer component for me to work with a department and he sent me a link to a general donor gala next week with a ticket price of $2k/seat. I am working to ask follow up questions to avoid embarrassment in the future. I have had others read my requests and they agree he is missing the mark, but I’m trying to figure out if my expectations are just off for what this role typically does.

        1. I’m anon at 10:49, and it would never occur to me that our marketing person should be involved in, well, anything like what you’re describing. Our marketing person does not represent the firm in public. Our attorneys represent themselves, go to their own industry events, etc. Our marketing person is – for lack of a better description – invisible to our clients, our industry, and the public. Marketing =/= business development. We have a little internal committee of attorneys who focus on business development and what events we should go to or host, how to lean forward on big issues, etc.

          1. Thanks! This is exactly what I’m hoping to hear. If my expectations are misaligned, no need to bring it up the chain.

          2. +1 the marketing team in the 500+ lawyer firm I worked in did none of the things mentioned by the OP.

          3. Agree. At the firm’s I’ve worked at (Big Law), marketing team did the work described in Anon at 10:49 and RR at 10:58. They also worked closely with the business development team to market their initiatives. But this was at a big law firm that expected people to work 12 hour days with little to no time for self-marketing prior to partnership – marketing and client development was only expected starting around 6th to 8th years and even then, not very much. I don’t really see the need for a full time marketing manager at a small firm with 15 partners, seems strange.

          4. Agree. Biz dev =/= marketing. I wouldn’t expect a non-lawyer to know or be able to identify the best opportunities for me (networking, presentations, people to meet), or follow up with people about their legal needs. That’s relationship building, and showing off subject matter expertise, and that’s my job. I wouldn’t even trust myself to do that for a practice area different than my own. You have to really understand and be involved in an industry/practice area to be able to identify relevant, useful opportunities. I do pharma law, I wouldn’t feel useful looking for people for the lawyers in my health care finance group to meet with, even though I have general knowledge of what they do.

        2. Maybe consider (1) how experienced (or inexperienced!) he is, and (2) what his role at your firm is supposed to be. If he’s meeting the expectations of the person/people who decided to hire him and “earning” whatever salary he negotiated, maybe the answer is to find someone more experienced and pay them more. This guy sounds young (or new to law, marketing, or legal marketing) and possibly underpaid. And also not particularly motivated. Have you given him feedback about the issues he’s caused or why you don’t like the resources he’s provided? Has he made any effort to improve in those regards?

          1. Thanks – still figuring out what it’s supposed to be. He’s actually had 20 years of experience with marketing at professional services firms. My past experiences have been so different. I haven’t given feedback other than ‘this isn’t exactly what I’m looking for’ because I want to make sure my expectations are aligned. I’m ok with finding my own events/etc., but if we’re paying someone to do that, I want him to do it.

        3. I used to do marketing for a professional services firm (not US, so our structure was a bit different), but the professional staff size was similar to ours. I did about what you describe, plus I handled a lot of digital marketing stuff and worked on our publications (similar to white papers but not exactly. I did this with very little experience in the industry. FWIW, I was overworked and underpaid, but it does sound odd to me that he is not doing what you’re asking for. I guess every firm is different though.

    2. The marketing folks at my firm mostly managed visibility – firm events, coordinating with various media outlets for hiring/conference/major successes announcements, and social media presence. They did some specific image-related things like a revamp of our website and recruitment campaign. Honestly I have no idea how hard they worked, I rarely interacted with them, but they were lovely people and our firm had a good reputation so I guess they were doing ok.

    3. I work closely with our 80-person firm’s marketing person. She sends out a million client alert emails a week (that we draft and target to certain client groups on recent developments); plans the client seminars and industry events we host; maintains the website and our very modest social media presence; sets up client webinars (about monthly) – tracking registration, coordinating the tech, making sure attorneys have their slides done, etc; makes sure our web host and email host are the best solutions for the firm. I kinda want her job.

    4. Our marketing team plans events, controls an advertising budget, puts on marketing education for attorneys, drafts and puts out press releases for anything of interest for the firm or specific attorneys, handles our contact management system, assists with pitches and related drafting, works with an outside marketing company, etc. I’m sure I’m missing things. They are fantastic. 150-attorney firm.

    5. I used to work at a similar size firm. Our marketing person did a lot of press releases about the firm (eg “X, Y, Z lawyers named to Super Lawyers”, “Firm wins ABC case in state supreme court” etc). She also coordinated a website redesign (with outside graphic designers) and worked with the attorneys to update our bios. I was only there about a year, so it’s possible she did other things after I left, the website redesign was a big project while I was there.

    6. I’ve worked in corporate at major biglaw firms. Our marketing folks absolutely identified industry events, send out a monthly calendar of events where we could meet and greet, and did general research on the clients represented by us and our competitors to understand who might be poachable or looking. I don’t think BD = marketing, but I do think that marketers need to keep a finger on the pulse of the industry clients are in, especially in corporate in highly competitive industries like tech, biotech, PE, IM or VC fields. Hope this helps.

  15. What are some deep cleaning tasks you forget about?

    I have some extra time off and have crossed off a lot of them (vacuuming and wiping out inside of drawers/cabinets in kitchen, wiping off the top of cabinets where dust/grease end up, taking out the exhaust fan and scrubbing off all oil/dust, vacuuming out all the lent from the dryer, scrubbing out garbage cans, mr clean erasing all the walls etc).

    1. I clean the kettle with vinegar. You may also want to clean the shower head if you’ve got hard water.

    5. Some of this falls into minor home maintenance – Dust the base boards, wash the curtains and shower liners, clean out bottom of closets and bottoms of shelves that never get love due to being covered under stuff, clean the inside of the washing machine, vacuum and beat the rug then shampoo it – it will end up the original color you forgot it was, powerwash (or at least bleach and scrub with a hard bristle wide broom) patios, sidewalks, and driveways, touch up paint on door ways, walls and banisters, recaulk tubs and showers as needed, reseal marble and other permeable stones.

    6. I did this yesterday, but filing all of my random papers & then going through the files & tossing anything that is no longer needed. I aim to do this every year (but sometimes ends up being every 2 yrs) and it really helps keep things organized and findable when I need it.
      Also, when I have some downtime- I go through 1 or 2 “junk drawers” and organize them because they just become total black holes after a while.

    7. The top of the fridge, above the microwave, the vent hood, and other places above your usual sight line that get really gross and gunky.
      The inside of drawers, especially the silverware drawer and any inserts.
      Interior doors that collect dust in the nooks and crannies of the insets, as well as above the door frames.
      If you have pets that are lazy or rub themselves against your walls, wipe away the dirt and residue that collects on the paint of protruding corners.

    9. Clean light fixtures, vacuum lamp shades, dismantle and clean any freestanding fans, vacuum under the sofa cushions, scrub the fridge & freezer, toss any outdated pantry/freezer/fridge contents, polish shoes, tighten any loose screws around the house on handles/knobs/faceplates/furniture, check that door hinge pins are not climbing out of place, replace batteries in smoke and CO alarms, wash the window screens, vacuum window and sliding door tracks, scrub the oven, clean the grill, change filters on the furnace/humidifier/vacuum, wipe down the caulk…

  16. I need a big pack of thank yous that aren’t too sterile in feel and not too big so I don’t have to write a lot haha. Anyone have a favorite place to pick up 25-50 Thank yous?

    2. This isn’t exactly high quality stationary, but I always write thank you notes on cards from Target. There’s a surprisingly good selection of designs with a more modern feel and they’re cheap enough for me to use them really frequently. Tips for not having to write a lot (assuming this isn’t a super formal situation): center the recipient’s name at the top of the card an inch from the top and write their name big, then sign your name big and loopy at the bottom. You can put just a sentence or two in between and the whole thing will look balanced.

    3. The Paper Source if I’m looking to splurge, want something unique and don’t mind dropping $200 on other paper products I ostensibly do not need. :) Otherwise, Target.

    5. Target. After FIL passed away, that was my exact requirement, especially size. I found some tiny cards that were perfect.

        1. Papyrus has nice boxes of cards that I found to be a decent price. Sometimes it’s BOGO-half off. Their single cards are $$$ but the boxed ones seemed reasonable and high quality.

  17. I have an interview coming up (associate attorney position) for which the firm (mid-size regional firm with good reputation) sent me a formal job application to fill out and bring with me to the interview. Haven’t filled out one of these since college! Two questions concern me, “have you ever been fired or asked to resign?” and a section with employment history that asks my reason for leaving and whether they may contact that employer for reference. The issue is, I was fired from my first attorney job not super long ago. It’s a long story and not a reflection of me as an attorney or employee, but my boss was an absolute crazy person (trust me getting fired was a blessing). A mentor who is an employment attorney licensed in my state says I should lie about this on the application and bet they do not contact crazy former employer for reference. Would love to hear the opinions of the hive though, lying is never my first instinct.

    2. I definitely wouldn’t lie. If it was recent I wouldn’t assume they won’t contact the former employer, so that lie would get discovered very quickly. FWIW, I’ve always had to fill out those form applications, that doesn’t strike me as odd.

      1. I’m an attorney and only had to fill out an application for the one in-house job I had (and hated). Law firms just wanted a resume and maybe a cover letter.

    3. Never lie. And take this mentor’s other advice with a grain of salt in future.

    4. Is there a boss above the boss who fired you who could provide a good recommendation? Does the boss who fired you have a reputation as being a difficult personality?

      I’d try to massage the facts on paper to the best extent possible and then expect to have a conversation about it in person.

      1. Nope, boss was the owner of a tiny firm in my city very few have ever heard of. I am in a different practice area now. I can fairly characterize the firing as being laid off, but I was the one chosen to be laid off because I was vocal about many many ethical concerns, whereas other, newer attorneys were willing to turn a blind eye.

        1. If you were laid off, you were not fired or asked to resign. If that is a fair characterization, go with it. Not every time you leave a job against your choice is a firing.

        2. ALSO, this is a great reason to be fired (or laid off). You raised ethical concerns as an attorney (to an attorney) and were fired?!? You should always tell the truth, but this is an easy one: tell the truth.

    5. More info about circumstances: firm that let me go was a tiny firm. I am fairly active in the legal community of my large city and not once have I encountered anyone who has heard of it. It helps that I changed practice areas since then. Due to a lot of circumstances, I can fairly characterize the firing as being laid off. They chose to lay off me, as opposed to the other associates, because I was very vocal about many ethical concerns I had in literally all of my matters, whereas other attorneys were willing to turn a blind eye. I think I can fairly explain this in a way that doesn’t reflect poorly on me, I have just always been very wary of speaking negatively of a previous employer. I think this situation may warrant it though, since they’re asking so specifically…

      1. This doesn’t sound like you were fired at all. You were neither fired nor asked to resign.

      2. You hit the nail on the head. If you were laid off, you were not fired. And, when discussing the prior employment, try to sound as generous as possible while conveying that you don’t/didn’t agree with how they did work. E.g., I don’t personally think the tactics they used were effective vs. the tactics they used were unethical.

      3. Characterize this as a lay off and don’t even worry about it…firms do this all the time. Call it restructuring, reorganization, position eliminated…whatever you want to call it – it is a neutral event that can happen to anybody these days.

    6. Can you have a friend call the old firm, pretend to be checking your references and see if they say that they fired you? I would bet not as that would leave them open to litigation. Then say whatever reason the firm gives your buddy.

  18. Thank you to whomever posted the suggestion for replacing disposable cotton facial rounds with cut up Trader Joe’s kitchen cloths. I cut up one 2-pack last night into 32 little squares and one is the perfect size for removing my makeup with micellar water. The little stack fit perfectly into a cherry tomato pint container in my bathroom drawer, and I have a little mesh bag under the sink for the dirties (can go right to the wash from there!).

    Appreciate the advice we give and get here, in all of its wonderful variety!

    3. This is a great idea! I don’t have a Trader Joe’s near me. Are the kitchen cloths microfiber? More like a tea towel? Or some other texture? I’ve been trying to decide the best material for washable facial rounds.

      2. They are microfiber, so any sham-wow type cloth would work. Another option is to order some off of Etsy. I have hemp fabric facial rounds that I really like.

  19. I have had a bob hairstyle for almost a decade. I’ve been trying to grow it out recently and it is almost to my shoulders. I g guess I am not used to having hair touch my neck/ in my view – I often pull my hair back in the ponytail motion (with no ponytail holder) without realizing it. How do I stop touching my hair? Any other stule suggestions? I am willing to pull it back but can’t wear a ponytail to work, it’s not quite long enough to do a french twist, and I think bobby pins/hair tucked behind the ear can look childish. I am 30 but have a petite frame and frequently get mistaken for much younger. Changing hair because it feels stale.

    1. Why can’t you wear a ponytail at work? It’s the only way I can read things on my desk. I’m no help on the not touching issue… I am constantly putting up or taking down my hair.

      1. I’m in corporate law and most of my colleagues are much older. Other than the assistants, who mostly have bouffant coifs, I believe my length of hair in a ponytail would just look “young”. Maybe when it’s longer and I can try to pull off a fancy/sleek one!

        1. I think easy up-dos until your hair grows out is your best bet. You need to get your hair out of your face to prevent touching it. Honestly even well placed bobby pins to get whatever pieces that fall into your sight line could work. Your hair will grow past that “always on my neck” feeling in a few months so I’d just grin and bear it or put it in a clip you keep at your desk while you work and take it off when leaving your office.

    2. Can you use a claw clip of some variety? They don’t all look like they are from the 80s, some are pretty sleek. Also have had luck w/ those spiral bobby pins for hair that can’t quite fit into a french twist. But my hair is thick & curly so ymmv.

    3. This is exactly why I have a bob. Anything longer drives me crazy and gets put up in a claw clip or pony within about an hour.

  20. SO and I are planning to elope in Hawaii about year from now (I guess it’s more of a planned private wedding since we are planning so far in advance but we aren’t telling our massive family about it until right before). It will just be the two of us next summer. The ceremony and first part of our trip will be in Oahu, near Honolulu. (Looking at using Weddings of Hawaii at w e d h a w a i i . c o m if anyone is familiar).

    We are looking for a nice resort style hotel for that part but not as expensive as the Four Seasons. We were thinking of Alohilani Resort if anyone has been there. We want the first part of the trip to be relaxing, beach going, care free with a resort feel.

    We are then interested in flying to another island but are looking for recs as to which one (Big Island?) and also places to stay. We aren’t set on the second island thing though so maybe just another part of Oahu would do? This is probably a stretch, but if anyone has been to the Asheville Cottages in NC, that is the type of vibe we are looking for for the second part. Not open to Airbnb though. We want to explore and do stuff after our few days of beach relaxation. We are big hikers, adventurous (as in skydiving adventurous), into art, food, history, museums. We are obviously in very early stages of planning and aren’t set on anything so any and all thoughts are very welcome!

    1. I assume it’s your first trip to HI, which is awesome. If you’ll be in HI a week or less, stay on Oahu. If your trip is longer, I’d add a visit to the Big Island. Obviously you must visit Pearl Harbor on Oahu and Volcanoes NP on the Big Island. I’d stay on the sunny/dry side of the Big Island unless you like constant rain.
      Enjoy!

    2. I haven’t been to Hawaii so others probably have far more helpful info, but from a relaxation standpoint I’d much rather stay in one hotel than change hotels. If that’s the best way to experience different parts of the area then it may be the best option, but my default would be to choose a place to stay that is convenient to the various things I want to do.

    3. I liked the Hilton Hawaiian Village in Waikiki. I was there for a conference at it was great. Another one I liked is the Outrigger, plus it has a Starbucks and a little liquor store but the Outrigger didn’t have a large beachfront – but they did have a rental car and laundry facilities.
      If you’re looking for another island, I would try Kauai or Maui. But you could also go explore the North Shore which is pretty cool, too. If you’re looking to do touristy stuff, the Dole Pineapple Plantation is fun.

    4. my DH proposed in Kauai and it’s still one of my favourite places. The beaches are secluded, the scenery beautiful, and you do have nice resorts there if that’s what you want

    5. I’d suggest the Grand Hyatt on Kauai. If you are only going a week to ten days, I’d just do one island.

  21. I have some leftover paper currency from trips abroad (like Thailand). Not a huge amount. I am in NYC. what’s the best way (most cost efficient and easiest) to turn it back into USD?

    1. Call or stop by a couple of brick and mortar banks. I’m in a medium not-very-international city and had zero luck on this front (I think I had about 150 USD worth). I would think NYC has much better options.

      1. I would look for an actual currency exchange place. I don’t think a normal bank would help you unless it is something very common, like euros. Even a currency exchange place may not take everything. If possible, if you don’t want to save the money in the future, exchange any left over money before leaving the country on your way out. Every international airport I’ve been to has a currency exchange booth in the departure area.

    2. I wasn’t looking to get my money back (just had some, so being nice to people that asked), but I have hack luck trading w/ local moms in my mom group when they are going on trips. I just do the local rate & have them venmo me the $.

    3. When I lived in New York, the main branch of Chase Bank would accept deposits in foreign currencies without charging a fee (only tried it with Canadian Dollars and Euros, though). I’m guessing it might be similar for other large banks who are headquartered (or have a really large main branch) in the city.

    4. I’d call your bank first. In NYC I can’t imagine banks don’t offer this. I am in the midwest (and work in banking) and even many of our branches offer this service.

  22. I don’t mean to sound like a jerk or someone who doesn’t care about others, but what is the point of volunteering one’s time? Do you see it as something that you do largely for yourself (e.g., for a sense of perspective, the good feelings that come with it, or whatever) or do you feel as though your presence at whatever volunteer activity you do makes a real difference? Does this vary a lot by what kind of organization or event you’re volunteering for? If I don’t show up at something (for example, serving food to the homeless), will less good really be done in the world?

    I’m deeply invested in giving back to the community and all that, but this is a thought experiment I feel it’s important to explore so as to make sure I’m contributing my time and money for maximum impact. Thanks for your thoughts all!

    1. I like it and I think I’m helping. Also, I’m not volunteering to “invest” my time for “maximum impact” I’m doing it to be a decent person. I don’t really care if I’m making the maximal possible impact.

    2. I think there are several reasons one might volunteer or donate money
      1) Ethically – fulfilling your part of the social contract with society in that you’ve been given so much and/or are privileged enough that you should give back to those that don’t have as much as a matter of course.
      2) Personal benefit – the worse the worst of society is, the worse the standard of living of all of society, and in turn you as an individual tends to be. I personally find a strong benefit in living in a country where it’s not common to get jacked in a car at a stop light and I love contributing to the care of others that somewhat prevents this (i.e. food, shelter, money as arguably most criminals are not innately evil, at least not at first, but are so out of necessity)
      3) Related to personal benefit – Avoiding collective action failure – If I don’t do it, will anyone? If there is not social pressure to volunteer or contribute to the good of those that need help, will anyone do it? I’m not trying to live in the societal equivalent of a group surrounding an emergency where no one calls 911 because they think someone else is taking care of it.

      That said, your lack of presence at the soup kitchen that one Sunday probably won’t make a difference, but lack of volunteerism at all will.

    3. To help causes I care about. And yes, my presence really does make a difference. I can say that as a volunteer, there’s nothing more frustrating than not being needed (too many volunteers milling around), so if that happens, I simply look for another organization to get involved with.

    4. I think there is some volunteering that clearly has an impact, and some that doesn’t. For example, without volunteers at the soup kitchen, not as many people will be served and if no one volunteered, the soup kitchen would probably have to close. Without volunteers helping at charity races, they would probably not happen. However, some organizations are really, really bad at estimating the number of volunteers they need or just don’t want to turn any away (or maybe are just very badly run). I’ve volunteered before at food banks were there was literally nothing to do because they had too many people, and at races where I just stood around for 80% of the time because they had 4 times as many people as they could use. If you are having those experiences and questioning whether it is worth it, I would check out another place that may be run better/have more need for you.

    5. I have given a lot of thought to this. Personally, I have decided to focus my efforts (both volunteering and donations) on what I think of as “justice” causes rather than “charity” causes. So, for example, rather than donating to a free clinic, I would donate to Medicare for All. Rather than volunteer at a foodback, I would rally with Fight for 15. While I am glad the clinic and the food bank exist and that people support them, I am choosing to focus on the justice and equity issues that lead to people needing the clinic or the foodbank.

    6. I work for a nonprofit where we literally need bodies to help with things. Volunteering time is very valuable.

      1. Can you give some examples? I totally hear what everyone is saying about a moral and ethical imperative to give back and fulfill my obligation to the social contract, or “what does it say about me if I don’t?” or building a sense of fulfillment, empathy, whatever. Those are largely the reasons why I have volunteered thus far. But I also really want to have as big a positive impact as possible, and that’s becoming increasingly more important to me.

        1. You may want to try reframing it. For example, in a non-profit there are lots of administrative tasks that need to be done, along with all of the positive impact tasks. When the staff of the org is stuck stuffing envelopes, doing data entry, checking mailing lists, greeting at events, etc., they don’t have the time they want or need to devote to the substantive stuff. While it may seem on the surface like you are doing busy work and not making an impact, you really are because you are freeing up paid staff time to focus on the big picture/big impact items.

    7. Different feelings for different types of volunteering/donating.
      When I volunteer my time, I have found my depression and anxiety lesson. I’m able to see that there is a world larger than myself.
      I will often donate money anonymously.
      And, I may be a bad person for this one, but, when I’m asked to donate/volunteer at my kids’ school- I am mostly doing it for “credit” – it’s hard to take the time away from work when I’m paying someone else to watch my kid already- and like to at least be recognized for being involved and hope that it sparks warm fuzzies twds my kid.

    8. Even if you don’t believe in the ethical or moral obligation of one with great ….. gifts, privilege, power comes with great responsibilities, many people do believe in a system, religion in particular that simply requires such time and money gifts to the poor and greater society. When you look at the benefits of that — it builds empathy and increases exposure of differences. There are many ways to give back. The phenomena of giving to one’s own community is well-discussed – and giving to a more needy community. For example, does my child’s well-funded public school with amazing long-term teachers and PTA parents with graduate degrees and much full time need my assistance in fundraising….? Or should I give my time, skills, money to a less well-endowed and more needy public school with a less-privileged student population?
      I like Scouts. Other people prefer to work with graduate students and prep them for job interviews. Some donate clothes. Some teach skills and crafts. Some visit with the elderly. Others foster children. There are a million options, almost literally.
      I think the risk is if you don’t do anything – if you only do work and relax for you – then what does that say about you? It might say you’re just busy. OK. But do you think less of such a person with such a narrow viewpoint of the world?

    9. For a long time I volunteered with an organization that taught horseback riding to special-needs kids and provided equine assisted physical/occupational therapy. 2-3 safety volunteers were needed for each rider for each lesson, and they cancelled lessons if they didn’t have them. So I knew that what I did was necessary for the org to achieve its mission.

      Aside from that, my volunteering tends to be a way of checking in on the organizations I support financially. I make a small number of large donations, and I won’t donate to an organization unless I’ve volunteered with them or otherwise had the opportunity to see them in action in a very concrete way. It’s part of my due diligence, essentially, before I make a major financial commitment.

      1. Thank you so much for doing that. My son, who has autism, was in a therapeutic riding program for a while and it was really great. To see him go from trying to leave the barn because he didn’t want to even get on the horse to eventually riding and smiling and having fun was awesome.

        1. <3 I volunteered in a similar program and it was, by far, my most rewarding volunteering position. It was hard at times, but the progress that we saw in our riders was truly awesome. I will never forget it.

    10. I think people who have the means to do it should see volunteering as a civic duty and personal responsibility. I know that this is a hardline stance, but I’m always surprised by how few people (that I interact with) volunteer for anything on a semi-regular basis.

      I volunteer primarily with organizations that support children. I would prefer to live in a state/town where all children had the resources that they need, and could grow up to be successful adults. Unfortunately, I don’t live in that town, so volunteering and philanthropy are one of the ways that I can fix that.

      If you don’t show up for something, there are fewer people available to carry out the mission of the volunteer organization (whatever it may be). Using your example, there are fewer servers, which means the wait times may be longer and fewer meals may be served. If there were more volunteers, perhaps they could serve more meals at more times on more days. Perhaps then they could apply for grants and get more funding for the meals, since they have a record of engaged volunteers and a demonstrated impact in the community. Perhaps then the organization could expand into other areas or partner with other groups, and give clothing, toiletries, mental health resources, career resources or other forms of support to the homeless. Perhaps the organization will become so large that people will want to hear their opinions on policy impacting the homeless, and then the organization will make improvements on a state or national scale.

      This is sort of a best case scenario, but I have seen it happen for organizations that I work with personally.

      To answer your question about good being done in the world, I think people think too broadly about that. It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you think about all the problems in the world, and easy to give up. If you think about what you’d like to change in your community/town and find a well run, well connected organization working on that, that’s a good start.

    11. I try to volunteer to connect myself with populations I otherwise don’t come into empathetic contact with. IE, I see homeless people and feel disgusted by the trash, feces and needles produced. Volunteering at a shelter or kitchen brings my reactions back to the human crisis occurring in my city rather than just being annoyed by how it inconveniences my privileged life.

    12. I think there are some good answers and also this is a good question even if it may have potential to be perceived negatively.

      I’ve always thought this about big corporate giving days where everyone gets the day off to go do a few hours of charity at preselected venues designed to accommodate a large group with very little relevant skills (yes let’s have accounts paint some walls but not do any appropriate prep work like cleaning the walls or patching holes first because that doesn’t make for as good pictures). It just seems more like a marketing gimmick than actually helping anyone in a meaningful way. See also voluntourism.

      All that to say I think there are opportunities where it is impactful for both the doer and the beneficiary. Finding those requires the introspection to know what matters to you and the leg work to identify the organization(s) doing those things in your community.

      1. My company is really big on this- the volunteering is also usually accompanied by a large check and I think it is a good symbiotic relationship for the 2 groups (exs of things we’ve done: beach/river cleanups, sorting food at the foodbank, runs or competitions to raise $ for causes, and my personal fave- building playhouses to go in the backyards of habitat for humanity houses- don’t need to have major skills for these, but some elbow grease goes a long way).

    13. I have volunteered in the past, and will be again soon (I wish I could say, “I volunteer, but haven’t found the right org since I relocated) because certain things wouldn’t happen in my communities without volunteer labour, sometimes even skilled labour. The skill is often acquired over long-term commitments, though sometimes it is really great to have educated professionals as well.
      For example, I left behind a citizen-science monitoring program, which is able to track marine biodiversity and climate change, two environmental issues that are very important to me. It’s led, in a hands-off way, by a semi-retired Ph.D who writes analyses the data, writes grants to pay for a little office with a microscope, and travels from out-of-town for training a couple of times a year. Over the years the program has been going, dozens of volunteers have learned college-level oceanography and marine biology to do a few hours a month of independent work on their own schedules. It was awesome and effective, and I assume it still is for those who live there.
      Where I live now, I’m planning to get involved in a local historical event, which draws thousands of people from around the country (world, actually). I’ve heard they need a lot of hands-on work to keep the genuine equipment from the 1800s running, and the folks who know how are aging out of being able. I’m looking forward to learning.

    14. This is a weird little rabbit hole you’ve talked yourself into. Of course if you don’t show up and do something less good is done in the world!

      1. Maybe I’ve just been to too many events where there were too many people standing around not doing things/there wasn’t enough stuff to do. I don’t know. You make a good point but I guess I’m just more curious about what the actual outcome of my actions are and how I can increase it.

        1. Some times those things happen, and I agree that I feel like it was pointless afterwards. But there are a lot of good orgs out there where they only have the correct number of volunteers and you will be doing something meaningful. I would keep looking till you found one of those. Also, if you have the time, I find orgs that have dedicated repeat schedules to be the best – the types that have 4 people who always come on the first Saturday of the month. Maybe consider making that type of commitment

  23. I am a lawyer moving to Dallas soon and looking for apartment recommendations. I am considering uptown/downtown so that I could walk to work (I will have a car, though–it’s Dallas). I’m open to being convinced that another neighborhood is a better place to live. I’m in my early thirties and single, so I’m planning to rent a 1 BR (maybe with a study). Does anybody have an apartment complex or neighborhood that they’d recommend?

    1. Hi Dallas! I’m a late 20’s single lawyer in Dallas, and moved here a few years ago. From personal experience and where my friends have lived I can recommend the following Uptown apartments: Villa Rosa, Monaco on the Trail, The Brady, The Taylor. I also have friends living in Knox Henderson which is one neighborhood up from Uptown, and State Thomas, which is essentially a neighborhood within Uptown. They’re all between 10 – 20 minutes to downtown offices. While I know people who live Downtown and love it, I personally would not enjoy it or recommend it. If you’d like to chat more, leave a burner email and I’ll reach out.

    2. Hey there!
      Depending on your budget, you may want to look in to Lower Greenville/M Streets/Lakewood area east of downtown – I live in Lower Greenville, and there’s a good mix of new and older homes, townhomes, and apartments. I prefer a place with more character (currently 1920s duplex) and am a little averse to large apartment complexes, so I really like living in my place on a quiet & green neighborhood street, which also happens to be less than 15 mins drive to downtown (depending on where you’re going). Oak Lawn is also a nice area, and even closer. If it’s up your alley, there may probably be some adorable, older rental homes in your budget – I’ve seen quite a few listed before. However, If you like walking to work – which I understand – these wouldn’t be ideal. Bear in mind, there are not a ton of grocery stores, “everyday” shopping, etc. downtown because living there has only recently gotten more popular, but it’s probably gotten better in recent years.

  24. Need recommendations for a gift for a mentor. Our Bar Association set it up for me – I’ve been working, not in law, and wanted to shadow someone to see if solo practice could be my next move – and he’s been generous with his time, his advice, and his contacts. I really value what he has done for me, and I’d like to give him a bottle of wine (one of my faves, about $20) and a gift card to a restaurant that is delicious and a little pricey ($150). Too little? Too much? Just right?

    1. I think a $150 gift card to a mentor skews a little too much – seems too close to a pay off. A nice bottle of wine and a modest gift card ($50 to $75) – or even better a fancy gift basket of a category he likes (this can veer in the $150 category because it’s giving gifts not a cash equivalent). For a man, wine, sausages and cheese, coffee, fruit/nut/cheese/candy all work.

    3. In light of the above comment, perhaps also consider a donation to a cause he’d appreciate, maybe the Bar Association Pro Bono program or to help and assist disadvantaged or underrepresented solo practitioners? You know – he taught you to fish, so you teach someone else to fish, rather than, ah, giving him a fish? Not sure if this is the best analogy….

    4. I’m someone who is now able to be a mentor and I find it so rewarding to see what all these young people are accomplishing with a bit of help from me. If this were me I would absolutely NOT want any sort of gift or for my mentee to spend any of their own money. A handwritten note saying what you have said here would be very touching and mean the world to me. If you cannot help yourself, a note and a $20 bottle of wine or a small donation would be MORE than sufficient. I would be mortified to received a large gift card from someone I mentored – I realize your impulse comes from a place of gratitude and that’s lovely, but resist it! Write the note – have a fabulous career and pass it on when you can!

  25. I am a corporate associate in a big law firm in USA, looking to relocate to the Netherlands. Ideally, a position at the Netherlands office of an American/International law firm would be my best option. Any ideas on job search tips, international headhunters, or advice? I am also trying to figure out if my resume is catered to the Dutch market standards. If you have any experience or know about the Netherlands market, please let me know.

    1. What are your qualifications to work in the Netherlands. Do you speak Dutch or other European languages? Are you qualified to practice law there? Are you specialized in some kind of niche (ex. cross border transactions or international arbitration in that area of the world)? Every young person in the Netherlands speaks English so that won’t give you any kind of edge.

      All that to say, not to be harsh, but why would a Netherlands office of an international firm or a Netherlands firm want to hire a random U.S. corporate associate. You need to figure that out, what you have to offer them, before digging too deep in your search. If you’re following a spouse, it’ll be easier to start reaching out when you get there maybe through the international alumni wing of your law school or of a Dutch law school.

      1. Not harsh at all. I am following a spouse, but would be more comfortable with the move if I had some sort of job security.

    2. I would look for work at a US firm that has a Netherlands office and program that sends people there for stints (my husband’s firm did this w/ Japan and you could do a 1-2 yr rotation at the other office).

      2. Yes, or Freshfields, Jones Day, Baker and Mackenzie.

        I think another option would be working in the Hague – maybe an in house position with someone like Shell?

    3. Is the move driven by family reasons such that you’d be willing to do something other than law in order to live there? The Netherlands is a completely different legal system from the US/UK, and as a US lawyer who has been in Europe for a decade, I don’t know any US-qualified lawyers working there.

  26. A question for managers: If you had trouble with the transition to management (not knowing how to delegate effectively, trouble striking the right balance between laid-back/empowering/micro-managing/harsh), what helped you? Was there any advice you wish you could have given the younger you?

    I’m in HR and need to coach a very-new manager on her terrible management style–she’s making everyone miserable–and I’m looking for some help in finding what might be “light bulb” advice for her. I’ve got experience coaching managers, but this one is a doozy on a few levels. Her problems include: not delegating or empowering her direct reports; closely monitoring their time away from their desk even though that is not our org culture; responding to reasonable requests from colleagues with harshness, annoyance, and what one person called “outrage”; and wanting to be friends with a direct report to the point where the direct report feels like she needs to sneak out in order to be able to grab a coffee by herself. On top of all that, her own manager is very oddly protective of her and willing to believe that none of this is her fault (and it very clearly is).

    Thanks in advance for any advice! Bonus points for advice you personally heard (or gave) and found successful. Thank you!

      1. There is no way you are going to fix this without manager buy in and, honestly, I doubt it can be fixed even with manager buy-in.

    3. Not sure if this would fly, but could you offer a formal program of leadership coaching in some way? That would give the opportunity to require reading. I’ve gotten a lot of great insight from “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There” and “Coaching for Performance” – but not sure if I would have given it the time if it hasn’t been required of me. Both do a great job of explaining what positive leadership looks like ,and this will help a ton with empowering her reports. I see the harsh interactions and enforcement of non-rules as a separate issue. That feels more like something you as HR can address above the person’s boss as necessary in supporting overall positive workplace culture. If you’re getting complaints and have something in writing demonstrating inappropriate communication that feels like something that can’t be ignored even if her manager doesn’t see it as an issue.

  27. Glosier boybrow- worth it? I have a dark thick middle eastern unibrow that I wax into shape (not nearly often enough)- I don’t wear much makeup, but feel like brow gel gets my brows decent looking and makes me look polished, even when I miss waxing for a few months. Everytime I see an add, I’m tempted to buy but then it just seems like a hassle.
    If not boybrow- any other reccs available at ulta or a drugstore?

    1. I have sparse brows that require a pencil so it’s not for me, but my 18 year old daughter with her youthful full brows is OBSESSED with boy brow, and honestly anything Glossier, but boy brow is her mainstay and she really just dabbles in their other products. If you need to get to a minimum order size, order a couple of boy brows, or try the solution – it’s a pretty good deal for a decent acid.

    2. It applied a bit thickly for my taste, but if you have very thick and dark eyebrows it may work better for you. I felt like mine looked too coated or something, like it was just a bit too much. I like the Anastasia products better.

    3. Ok, you guys convinced me & I ordered it (10% off so the shipping charge was about half). I was actually worried that having thicker eyebrows would make me look like groucho marx w/ the color option. I ordered brown… we’ll see!

  28. We just had a meeting where someone stood up and said that someone harassed had a duty to confront their accuser. This sounds awful. What does the hive think? Advice please …..

    2. What is the context?

      Someone who is harassed should create a paper trail, because people who behave extraordinarily badly tend to do it again. Confronting a bully may not be ther right move, but going to HR and getting on-record is non-neogitable for adults.

      1. If the person is comfortable bringing up the issue with the harasser, great, but it shouldn’t be expected, required, or pushed (or even suggested!). IMHO and experience, bringing an issue up to HR generally creates a bigger problem for the person being harassed than the harasser. HR may eventually deal with the harasser after enough complaints come fwd, but that may be at the expense of the original harassee’s job (& too late to make things right), and it shouldn’t be on the person that is being harassed to make things right at the expense of their own career (I say this 100% from personal experience in a large corporation w/ set policies, legal & HR depts- so if it’s happening at my company it’s happening at others)– so something to keep in mind before making blanket statements like going to HR is a non-negotiable adult thing to do.

        1. Honey pie, I’m in the middle of suing my former employer over harassment, and I am here to tell you: getting on-record is non-neogitable. I did it for every woman following me, because it is the right thing to do.

          If women before me had even a tenth my balls, it would have been a non-issue by the time it got to me.

          Before talking down to me, know that you are free-living on my courage and character.

        2. Thanks, but before talking down to me, know my former manager is still at his job, and I had to find a new one after going to HR, having them do nothing, and having him go after me and making my life completely miserable…. so excuse me, but F you. It’s great to be a crusader, but not everyone needs to be, or can be when their family depends on them as a provider, and I wouldn’t be again after going through what I went through.

    3. I’m a lawyer so I have to answer with “it depends.” Sexual harassment is harassment if it is unwanted. So if you never tell someone that their advances/comments/jokes are unwelcome, it is hard to say it is harassment. I think an accuser has an obligation ONCE to say stop. If that doesn’t work, then go to HR, go to the EEOC, whatever. But the harasser needs to know it is unwanted.

      1. I think there are some things that any reasonable person would reasonably recognize are probably unwanted. I won’t try to speak to legal liability, but ethically I think there is a responsibility to at least attempt to read interpersonal cues, treat each other as whole humans and not objects, etc.

      2. This! One of the things that makes me crazy is when s*xual harassment is described as an “unwanted” advance. Asking someone for coffee/lunch/drinks/date is not harassment if the person asks just makes excuses about not being available, etc. They need to actually say “Thank you but no.” Asking again after that is something that should be escalated to HR.

        Having said that, it depends on what the nature of the harassment. Someone gropes/threatens you – go straight to HR. (Although telling them to keep their hands to themselves is nice, it is not required and may not feel safe.) Someone says something egregiously inappropriate, go straight to HR (although telling them off in the moment is a nice addition).

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