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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
This is certainly outside this board’s usual topics, but posters here know so much that I’ll give it a shot.
We’ve just purchased a 200 year old property, and census records indicate there were enslaved persons working and living there. There is a cemetery for the white family, but nothing for the enslaved persons. Due to a perfect storm of circumstances, there are virtually no records available regarding the property (the county courthouse burned in the Civil War, plus the last member of the white family died in 1965). The local historical society, which loves to tout the famous whites from the area, has no information (none, zip, zero, zilch) on the thousands of enslaved persons who lived in this area.
We’d like to piece together a picture of these persons, if possible, and try to find the cemetery, if there is one, and keep an eye out for archaeological remnants of dwellings. Any idea who or what organization to contact? Local black churches? (It’s a rural area and most people – white and black – are descended from families that have lived in this area for generations.) Some state agency? (Virginia) Is there a non-profit that specializes in this?
BabyAssociate
My first thought was to contact the Historical Society and the State Archives. If they can’t help, I bet they could direct you to someone who can.
Anonymous
Your state historic preservation office might be a good place to start.
Anonymous
Try starting with the oldest black church close by. They may have records of baptisms etc that might give you a starting point.
Anonymous
And there may be members of the church who are (or who know) descendants of those who worked on the property who know their own family histories.
Ducky36
Is there an archaeology department at a local university that you could ask? They might have access to records and local experts that you are not likely to find anywhere else.
Anon
Sometimes public libraries have this type of information as well.
Anonymous
I saw an article recently where they were training K9 units to find old remains as part of less invasive historical preservation in old cities. I think the guy was Paul Martin and he was a forensic archaeologist out of TN. Maybe contact some archaeology departments at nearby universities and see if they have ideas?
Flats Only
This will sound a little morbid, but you may be able to find a cemetery on your property by walking around and looking for long, shallow depressions in the ground that are grouped together. Coffins often collapse over time and leave a depression that corresponds to the air space no longer taken up below. It won’t help you identify the individuals, but you’ll know if something is there or not.
anon
There is likely a hobby drone pilot group in your area who might be able to help survey!
Lilly
Drone video is a great idea. Early morning or late afternoon shadows will emphasize topography. Also, if there is a university in your part of the state that offers a historic preservation degree, they might want to take on finding info and locating graves or sites of former structures as a student project.
Inspired By Hermione
No comment, but it’s great you’re trying to figure this out. <3
ToS
You would do well to see what the tradition was, at the time, for burial. This was not a time of separate-but-equal, and some of what happened may be tied up in relationships or regional practices. For who worked on the property, if they were hired (wages) or owned (property/tax listings), look at the financial records, and there may be details in the local papers of the day. PBS has a show with Dr. Gates called Finding Your Roots, which has been illuminating on how people were recorded over the years.
With the local church, respect is key, otherwise you might get some Janey-Come-Lately reception, as this really is not their primary work. Look toward history departments within local colleges and universities, especially if there is an HBCU nearby, that are interested in the nearby community. It could become an interesting undergrad project for the right student.
Idea
Black churches are a great idea.
Historically African-American fraternities, sororities, schools or colleges in the area
Colleges and universities in the area
Let us know!
Anon100
Could start with the Virginia Department of Historic Resources.
Anon100
Also, if it’s a historic town/could have been densely populated in the past, you could consider looking at historic Sanborn Fire insurance maps. I believe Library of Congress has it for free, but you may need to look into how to access it.
rachelellen
Wow, can you keep us posted on what you find out?
Anon
You can also try to find newspapers from the local city or town archive – there are often advertisements of 1. slave owners looking for escaped (listed as runaway) slaves, and 2. newly freed slaves posting ads looking for family members from whom they have been separated.
Anonymous
I wonder if the archaeologists at a big historical site such as CW, Montpelier, or Monticello might be able to point you to some resources?
Irish Midori
I was thinking this too. UVA has put a lot of effort recently into telling the slave side of the story of their own campus and local history.
Anon for this
I would reach out to the Virginia Museum of History and Culture. They put together a major database of archival material related to enslaved people in the state, called Unknown No Longer. The database is now hosted at UVA; I’m not sure if the folks who made it shifted over as well. But I’m pretty sure they could point you in the right direction.
If there are diaries or other personal papers of the white slave owners in an archive somewhere, there may be relevant information there. Baptismal/funeral records would also be another obvious starting point, although there’s a lot of regional and chronological variation in how much data about enslaved people was recorded in those kinds of records. There are also papers from some of the major auction houses and trading companies that can sometimes reveal useful information.
Anon
For those of you that have dealt with mild/moderate depression or are close to someone that has– what does that look like? DH has gone through periods for the past year where he has been “depressed.” There has generally been a reason for this– his dad got diagnosed with a terminal illness, work stress, etc. He has even gone so far a few times as saying he has depression and needs to see someone, but then generally he will start feeling better and not actually follow through. During these periods, DH generally is fairly irritable, more introverted than normal, eats more, and we “garden” less. He also told me a few weeks ago that he was having trouble concentrating at work. Is this how depression can appear in someone, and who would I try to get DH to go see?
Senior Attorney
Does he have a primary care physician? That would be the first stop, probably.
Ellen
Agreed. If your DH is truly hurting, he needs professional help, be it a doctor or a shrink. The last thing I want to worry about is his ability to garden. It is at this point that we must think of him for a change, not ourselves. I would expect my DH to feel the same way, assuming of course that I ever find one. FOOEY!
Anon
I have been mildly depressed for a long time and I always thought it was just situational. Tough things kept coming up! But I started seeing a therapist last year for other things and she told me she thinks its dysthymia, or moderate depression. She has suggested I first try exercise and a good-ish diet to keep it manageable before trying medication, but I certainly won’t rule that out if I need it. (The exercise and not-entirely-junk-food diet *is* helping, but keeping up those good habits consistently is challenging.)
anon
This is how depression starts for me. Have your DH see his primary doctor. Therapy and medication can work wonders, especially when coupled with other healthy habits, like exercising.
I always thought I had situational depression, but when a “situation” is coming up every six months to a year … it’s pretty hard to argue that it’s “just situational.”
Inspired By Hermione
That sounds like depression. Maybe low-level, but depression. He could take a depression screening if he wanted to- PHQ9 is what my psychiatrist uses.
anon
Yes, depression can and often does appear like that. Like Anon at 2:48, my doctors like the dysthymia label for me, which is usually described as a persistent, low-grade depression. “Mild” depression can be tough to pin down- it’s easy to think it’s situational, or you feel better for a little and feel like you’re “better,” or you don’t think that your symptoms are bad enough to be indicative of anything “wrong.” I’ve dealt with major depressive disorder in the past, and have had times where I felt depression-free, so I’m pretty familiar with the variety of expressions depression takes for me. Mild-moderate for me is irritability, feeling listless, some lack of motivation (but I’m still really high functioning), sort of a sadness or “meh” feeling “for no reason.” In contrast, when I’m not depressed, I’ll feel excited or bubbly “for no reason.”
I see a therapist and I’m also taking a small dose of Wellbutrin right now. Wellbutrin is known for increasing your motivation and getting you a little more active and engaged, as compared with more traditional SSRIs, which sort of increase your overall feeling of well being (generalizing.) The way my therapist treats meds is thus: it’s a boost to help your brain get out of its own way, which makes it easier for you to develop the healthy habits (coping skills, thought patterns, exercise regimes, social life, whatever) that can make you a happier person overall. It’s tough to start that exercise program to reduce your depression when your depression-brain is convincing you that nothing matters and you may as well lie in bed all day. It’s much less work to convince myself to get up and go to the gym on my Wellbutrin-brain, which creates a positive feedback loop of betterness. As for the therapist, I see her even when I’m not “depressed,” because my work with her is to really tackle maladaptive thought patterns, the goal being to more effectively manage negative situations and create the life I want. It’s great to have someone in your corner and having her as a resource/someone to listen definitely provides an immediate boost, but therapy like this (CBT) is not an instant cure for depression. That said, I’ve been doing it for a few years now and it definitely helps. My GP prescribes my meds now because my psychiatric history is straight forward (i.e., she’s comfortable dealing with depression and anxiety but won’t treat bipolar, schizophrenia..), but I previously saw a psychiatrist. My therapist can’t prescribe meds, but she makes suggestions.
Long answer, but hope it’s helpful.
Anon
That sounds like mild to moderate depression to me–and is certainly treatable. I have found that I tend to be more motivated to seek treatment (get a new therapist, make an extra psychiatrist appointment) when I’m feeling worse, but very happy to have the structure in place when the depression is milder. It keeps an unhappy situation from turning into a bad situation. I’d encourage you to encourage him to seek treatment. That said, and sadly, he needs to want it and it may take longer than is reasonable or fair for him to get to that point.
Anonymous
There are a lot of options when symptoms are this mild. I’ve said this before because I wish this had been a first line treatment for me, but my psychiatrist is fine with me taking OTCs for low level symptoms like this. (For me that’s tryptophan or 5-HTP and tyrosine in a specific ratio.) Less research has been done to support this serotonin/dopamine precursor approach, but we know 5-HTP is effective enough at raising serotonin that it cannot safely be combined with an SSRI, so I don’t think this is just a placebo head game. I also make sure I’m taking my multi, since vitamin D and B-vitamins seem to help me with moodiness and feeling down, and I know that I burn through vitamins (and if I’m honest don’t eat as well) when I’m stressed.
H
working parent households:
Would you use a “summer break/school holiday concierge” type of service where you supplied schedule/budget/preferences, received a few proposed schedules, confirmed which one worked for you, and then completed the enrollment on your behalf? I know these exist in certain areas for larger programs, but I’m talking for both the bigger programs and then for the more local/small programs (like parks department offerings, classes at a community college for a few hours in the morning), and then coordinating transportation, after care, etc.
This is something I’m interested in starting (everything is so disjointed in my area), but I feel like many corporate moms would want to research/do it themselves. This is the first year my daughters have been in school and I am kind of overwhelmed, but enjoy research, and would randomly feel less overwhelmed if I was putting together like an aggregator/database like a lunatic AND helping other families.
appreciate the input!
anon
This is an intriguing concept. I’d think carefully how you’d keep the database maintained, especially as camp registrations fill up and whatnot.
I’d also factor in which programs offer before/after care. So many camps in my city, at least, are 9 a.m.-3 p.m., and you pay extra for early dropoff/late pickup.
I hear you on the disjointed nature of summer care! It’s one reason why I’ve gone the simple route and just enrolled my school-ager in the older kids’ program at his sister’s daycare. I can’t deal with the logistics of finding a new camp every week, and that doesn’t even touch the transportation issues.
Anon
No, I wouldn’t use it. I don’t mind doing the research myself and would much rather outsource chores I hate (for me, cooking and cleaning). Also I’m not sure what age you’re talking about, but my kid is 6 and has a lot of opinions about what she does. Obviously we don’t just let her do whatever she wants if it doesn’t fit our schedule/budgets, but I also wouldn’t want to remove her say completely. She and I enjoy talking about options together.
anon
Our sons are grown and out of the house…last one graduated from college last year. I have always worked full time and I would have definitely used a service like this. I always envied the SAHMs that had more than enough time to research and plan these things, including networking with other SAHMs to find out where to send the kids, etc. As a working mom, I was not always in the SAHM loop that seemed to have the inside scoop on all the best activities….I had one good SAHM friend that I would rely on to give me tips. You nailed it – this is a concierge service for working parents and I know many working Moms that would love to take advantage of this! I think there will be more of these type of services….I noticed when son was in college that some working moms are now taking advantage of services that come to your house, pack up your kids stuff for college, take it to the college and drop it off at their dorm…..Go for it….
Anon
“I noticed when son was in college that some working moms are now taking advantage of services that come to your house, pack up your kids stuff for college, take it to the college and drop it off at their dorm”
Wait what?! Parents don’t drop their kids off at college anymore? Or is this just a shipping/moving service? Because those have existed for a long time.
Anonymous
So you’re just providing a sheet of options? Or you’re providing options PLUS guaranteeing that the kid gets enrolled in their top choices and not get locked out (often a problem in big cities where there are only so many spots) (and in order to do this you’d have to have some kind of connection to the camps and likely be paying them to make sure your clients are enrolled first) AND has transport to and from every day AND has nanny coverage for the off weeks where they aren’t doing an activity? Because for option no. 2 — sure people will pay. For option no. 1 — no. Why would anyone pay for that? The kind of family needing these services in the summer is making 250k+ on the east coast and consists of well educated moms and dads who can do an hour of research. Plus as the poster above says, there often isn’t a ton of research once the kids are in grade school because they want to do the camps their friends do. All the parents have to do is decide whether that’s in the budget and ok in terms of transportation etc. and enroll them. An 8 year old is rarely looking for mom and dad to suggest fencing camp or whatever when all his friends are going to football camp.
H
No, kind of like online shopping, experience, with a filter for age, date, area, price.
Or
LMK what kid likes, budget, transport needs, we can give you several options and you can pull the trigger with one click to Regis.
Available art camps 9-2 for 8 year old on south side the second week of July
Anonymous
Pages like this already exist, and they seem hard to keep up to date. They are so incomplete and unreliable that I never even bother.
Now if you offered a service where you would stand in line or log in and register my kid for the camps that fill up instantly so I wouldn’t have to take the day off work or block time on my calendar or refuse to travel that day … I would definitely pay for that.
Anon
THIS.
Anononon
I would consider that depending on pricing!
Anonymous
I don’t have kids, but I guess I would assume that someone offering this service was also getting paid by certain programs to recruit enrollees, and I therefore wouldn’t want to use the service. Maybe that’s both cynical and ornery. It does sound like you’ve done a lot of valuable research, but I’m not sure how you could share it.
anon
I’d ask my kids’ friends’ parents where the friends are being sent. Not because I’m a super-mom, just because kids care much more about being with their friends than about the amenities of the camp. And also because their friends’ families are in similar situations in terms of looking for reasonable drop-offs, etc. Oh, and both kids go to the same camp because who has time for that.
Anon
People share this info pretty widely on neighborhood and school email lists/Facebook pages in my city, so I don’t think there would be much of a market for selling it.
Ann
I use ActivityHero, it does something similar and is a free service (they get paid by the camps).
Dealtwiththis
As long as you could reassure me that this was truly update for each summer, I would totally pay for this. Similarly, I asked in a Facebook group for mother’s in my neighborhood if anyone had put together a spreadsheet of all of the local daycare options that showed drop off and pick up times, pricing, if food was provided, ratings, etc. No one had ever done this but many people chimed in that they would love to see it if I put it together (spoiler alert, I have not put it together due to lack of time which is why I was hoping someone else out there had!).
anon
Woot! Just came back from a run in shorts and a T – 63 degrees in Pennsylvania today….love this warm weather!
K
34 in Michigan and expecting an ice storm tomorrow. 2 days in the 50’s was nice, now back to winter.
Anon
Yeah, Midwest here also and we’re back in the lower 30s after two days in the mid-upper 50s. I assume the East Coast now has the weather we had a day or two ago.
Inspired By Hermione
It’s 20some degrees in Seattle today, snowed yesterday, the entire city has apparently never seen snow before, and is absolutely losing its mind. We had a snow day yesterday, late start in many places today, and it’s supposed to start snowing again in a few days. I love snow. But Seattleites in snow? UGH.
In comparison, it was nearly 60 degrees mid-January for a few days.
anon
East of you in the same storm, and yay for PNWers who see snow for the first time, every time! It’s one of the wonders of the world! :)
Loving my view right now though. The mountains need this so badly.
Inspired By Hermione
Oh yeah. I grew up in E WA and I remember the years where there was no snowpack and it caused problems throughout the summer. Snow is good and necessary and wonderful and also Seattle can’t habdle it.
Anonymous
I used to live in Seattle. They do not know how to treat the roads for snow. I remember one time trying to drive up to Capitol Hill in a regular fwd sedan and moving forward… then slowing… then gradually slipping backward… all with my foot on the gas. It was scary AF. Best they shut down.
Anon
Anywhere that doesn’t get snow regularly isn’t prepared for it in terms of equipment, staffing, or know-how. Enjoy the downtime with the rest of the city.
Leah
I know the warmth feels amazing in the moment, but this temperature rollercoaster is what causes crazy germs and astronomical produce prices later in the year. Not a fan. :(
CountC
Also in PA and excited to not have to wear long underwear at the barn tonight.
Anon
Selling on Poshmark vs eBay? I had a not so great experience trying to sell on eBay last year and ended up deleting my account (so not sure they will even let me create another) but Poshmark’s fees seem much higher.
Anonymous
What happened?
Anon
Had a buyer buy and cancel on me 3 separate times and sent me weirdo messages
Anon
I’d give it another try. And, this time, don’t let anyone rebuy more than once (if that). Also, first weirdo message gets the user blocked and reported to eBay.
Anon
How do I keep them from rebuying? Block them?
anon
I honestly don’t know but, yes, that’s what I would look for. Or, some sort of reporting mechanism.
Anonymous
I’ve never sold on eBay, but I’ve been selling on Posh for about a year and really like it. I think Mercari has lower fees, but I haven’t played around with it much yet. There’s a pretty active Posh community on Reddit where people have described their experience with all of these platforms with pros/cons for each.
anon
I’ve always had good experiences on ebay selling bridesmaid dresses. I just set it to auto-renew at the price I was willing to sell it at, and forgot about it until they told me it had been sold & the payment had come in so I needed to ship.
Inspired By Hermione
I always enjoy the book recommendations from here- What’s the best book you’ve read so far this year?
I just finished The Heart’s Invisible Furies and cannot recommend it enough. It’s an intense, sweeping novel and you can’t zone out, but it’s well-written and the story is stellar. I also listened to The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen a few weeks ago and adored it- if you need a light read/listen, it’s perfect. Now I’m reading The Library Book (good so far), American Prison (good so far), and The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared (eh).
Lana Del Raygun
I read The Hypnotist’s Love Story recently and loved it. Somehow I keep thinking of Liane Moriarty’s books as light-hearted fluff when they’re (a) high-quality literature and (b) incredibly disturbing subject matter.
Vicky Austin
Thanks for the endorsement of “high quality literature”! I was back and forth on whether or not I wanted to try Liane Moriarty.
Senior Attorney
I read a rave review of The Hod King by Josiah Bancroft in the L.A. Times a few days ago and that inspired me to read the whole trilogy: Selin Ascends, Arm of the Sphinx, and The Hod King. (Apparently a fourth is coming next year.) Finished the first two and loved them, just started the third. Kind of steampunky fantasy-ish adventurey questish and I love it all. Highly recommend!
Fun fact: Apparently the first book was self-published and then picked up by a publisher.
Senior Attorney
Oh, and I enjoyed the latest Cormorant Strike novel by J.K. Rowing writing as Robert Galbraith: Lethal White.
Skipper
I just finished and loved The Long and Faraway Gone by Lou Berney. It’s a crime novel and a bit of a mystery, but it’s focused more on the ways memory works and the ways we perceive our guilt and others’.
Jules
That description also matches perfectly Tana French’s most recent, The Witch Elm. I prefer her more straightforward mysteries in the Dublin Murder Squad series – which makes them sound more like run-of-the=mill genre novels than they actually are; they’re very rich with compelling characters, especially the ones with female protagonists – but it’s still very good.
parchment
I recently read and loved Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi and The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie.
Homegoing is a collection of related short stories following the descendants of 2 half-sisters in Ghana, one of whom marries a British slave-trader and stays in Ghana while the other is kidnapped and sold into slavery in the United States. The author was born in Ghana and raised in the US.
The Absolutely True Diary narrates the freshman year of the titular “part-time Indian” and is told in the voice of a teen boy who lives on a Indian reservation and decides to attend high school in a nearby town off the reservation. The story is fiction based on the author’s teenage experiences.
Educated
Educated: A Memoir was, IMO, worth all the praise it got!
Anonymous
I’m so confused by my latest Bumble date. Went on a first date. It went well, I liked him a lot. At the end of the date I asked when we could hang out again and he said “Now?” I just laughed and said no like another date. He said he was going on a business trip soon but would be available again in two weeks.
We text over the next few days. He always texts me late at night when I’m already asleep (I’d told him my bedtime at least twice). I’ll text back in the morning and he doesn’t respond until late or the next day. That’s fine I’m not a big texter anyway. After a few days of this, I wake up to a bunch of late night texts in a row asking if I’m no longer interested, have I moved on, why am I not responding. I reminded him that I’m asleep at that time. The next day he asks why he has to always be the one to initiate conversation, and I said I didn’t realize that was happening.
I text him the Friday before he left for his business trip and I hear nothing from him for almost two weeks. I figure he’s moved on. Last night (again, after I was asleep) he texts “hey what’s up” like nothing happened. Something is making my spidey senses tingle. If he hadn’t given me such a hard time about my text responses I would figure, whatever he was out of town he’s too busy to text some girl he’s only had one date with. But dude gives me such a hard time about my text responses and then doesn’t respond to me for weeks? Idk. I liked the guy but something about this feels off. What do you think? Should I bother responding?
Sassyfras
Basic communication should not be this difficult and this would be a red flag for me. Move on.
Anon
Definitely sounds off to me. What is your bedtime? Regardless, he’s not respecting what you’ve told him. He sounds narcissistic to me. Also, conflict before you’ve seen him for a second date is annoying and seems unnecessarily dramatic on his part.
OP
He’s texting after 11, sometimes like 1-2 am. I kind of assume his string of texts were drunk texts because they were really late, but I didn’t ask. My bedtime is 10 and that’s when I stop receiving text notifications.
Anon
I’m Anon at 3:49. 10:00 pm is a perfectly reasonable cut off for texts! Geez, dude. No. I’d move on.
Anonymous
This guy sounds like he is totally incapable of listening to very simple things you say, for some reason. Like what part of “I am asleep after X:00” is hard to understand? If he can’t or isn’t willing to listen to you when you say something very simple like that, I wouldn’t bother.
Anon
That’s weird, it would be a red flag for me too. I wonder if he’s getting drunk or something at night and losing his inhibitions? It’s weird to harass you for not immediately responding when he’s not a great texter either.
Anon
Nope, don’t waste your time anymore. He’s being weird and rude.
emeralds
Thank u, next.
CountC
Haha yes!
Anonymous
I’ll be the voice of dissent. You enjoyed the first date and wanted a second. Things have gone a little awry for remote, electronic communication between two people who don’t know each other and have met once, during a long separation. Try again. Give it one more shot. Why not? If after a bit you are thinking about a third date, address the texting situation — in person — as a “Hey, we’ve got to figure this out if this is going to continue, and I’m interested.”
But what do I know? I grew up when people, you know, used the audible, talky parts of the phone and met in person.
ToS
I’ll second this. Texting is not a great get-to-know-you medium. He tipped his hand that he likes you, but you both know that your timing is off. If he doesn’t get it, twice, he’s done. Or if you have a phone conversation and it’s not making the flags go away. that’s it.
Anonymous
I think he is looking for a b o o t y call situation.
Anon
+10000000000
CostAccountant
He is texting you after his wife/girlfriend goes to sleep.
Anonymous
That seems like a bit of a stretch. If that’s the case, why not text during the workday, when any potential wife/GF wouldn’t be around at all? It sounds like he’s just self-centered and needs a response to his texts right away, but can’t be bothered to respond promptly to her.
Anon
+1
Irish Midori
“Why are not not responding to my texts right away” way has my hair on end. No thank you. Guess I’ve seen too many controlling partner messes in divorce practice where that was a refrain.
anon
DH and I are doing a one-month trial of a local meal delivery service. DH thinks it’s revolutionary and wants to keep doing it; I want to cancel because I don’t think it’s solving the mealtime problem at our house.
The pros:
1) The meals are good, recipes are easy to follow, and the portions are plentiful.
2) Less meal planning makes both of us happy.
3) DH will happily cook these meals and claims they have “way more veggies” than we typically eat — which is true, but that’s a solvable issue!
4) As far as meal services go, this one is relatively affordable.
The cons:
1) The kids will.not.eat.this.stuff. If we’re only feeding two of us, this is not making it easier to get dinner on the table!
2) The meals we’ve had have been difficult to deconstruct and make more palatable for the kids.
3) We still have to make weekly trips to the grocery store for milk, eggs, and other staples. So it’s not saving us much shopping time.
4) This is an odd one, but I’m not enjoying the “paint by numbers” approach to meals. I’m appreciating the variety, but I actually prefer our own recipes. I’m OK with weeknight meals not being particularly fancy, as long as they’re decently nutritious.
So how do we solve this? I know that if we cancel the meal service, I will end up doing more than half of the planning and prep, which I really resent. But maybe that’s just the tradeoff of having things more customized to our family’s tastes. (Trust me, I’m working on the pickiness issues and feel like I’ve tried everything.) If 3/4 family members eat something, I count it as a win. With meal delivery, only 2/4 family members are even touching the real meal, and the kids are grazing on fruit, bread and yogurt. I don’t think it sets a great precedent.
Anon
I would split up nights with your husband – on his nights, he can do this service and prep the meals himself, you can plan and cook on the other nights. It should be less work if you only have to make meals 3 nights/week and that way you get some balance of new recipes vs old standbys that your kids will eat.
Anonymous
I agree. If he likes it then he can do it on his nights. If you don’t like it then you can do your own thing.
Anon
If the kids aren’t eating it then I don’t think it’s working for your family right now.
The simpler weeknight meals are, the more likely I am to cook. So: a protein (chicken with minimal prep, bunless burgers, pan-seared pork chops), plus a veggie (easy salad (bag lettuce, grape tomatoes, and feta), frozen broccoli, etc.), plus a carb if the kids need it (rice is an easy choice). I can’t even manage to coordinate in advance, but if I can get a selection of the proteins and veggies I like, I can figure out a meal each night.
For shopping: have you tried the curbside pickup or grocery delivery services? It would let you and your husband jointly “shop” over the weekend and then one of you does the actual pick up.
Anon
Also, I’m with you on not loving the “paint by numbers” approach. The meal delivery recipes seem to make things harder and take longer than I am willing to do for a simple weeknight meal. And the results are amazing enough to make it worth the extra time and effort.
anon
The amount of dishes these recipes are making is … astounding, really. And last night’s dinner didn’t take 20 minutes of prep time; it was closer to 40. Maybe if I had an industrial stove and pro wok it would’ve been only 20 minutes.
We need to be much better about using curbside pickup. That might mean creating hard deadlines for ourselves. because our preferred grocery story needs stuff submitted like 8 hours in advance. Right now, I think each of us is hoping the other will just take care of it.
Anon
Yes, I felt that way about the dishes, too! So annoying.
As for curbside, I’ve yet to use it because I’m single and should be able to just go to the d*mn store. But my sister and BIL use it with great success. They casually build a list on Sunday evening (I think they have a saved list to work from) after the baby is down and he picks it up on his way home from work on Monday.
anon
Want to add that this week we discovered you can just tell alexa to add things to a grocery list, and it is shard on the alexa app- we’ve had her about a yr and didn’t know we could do this! Which might make ordering easier for you.
Whole Foods does quicker delivery but is pricier.
Anon
Next week, get the meal delivery service, but he solves the problem of finding something for the kids to eat.
The week after that, you don’t get the meal delivery service but it’s your job to solve the problem of the veggies and the time.
Once you have both tried to solve the other person’s problem, decide which works best.
Anonymous
What about using a meal planning service rather than a meal delivery service? Something like the Real Plans service – it gives you meal plans and grocery lists (and then you can do grocery delivery), and you cook the meal yourself.
Anonymous
Platejoy is another version. I have recommended before several times, but I promise I have no relation to the company other than as a customer. There is a function that allows you to auto upload the grocery list (selected to exclude items you already have in the pantry) to Instacart.
anon
We use a meal service for 2 meals, but the kids often eat a separate meal or leftovers (something really easy to pull together). I actually really like it because some of my kids will try the meal service/add to their regular meals, whereas when we don’t get the box, we all eat the really easy to pull together meal and there’s no variety. But it does mean DH (who does all the cooking) has to make both meals. I wouldn’t do it if I had to do all the cooking.
Anon
BC question: anyone else just using the Clue app and sometimes a condom to try to keep from getting pregnant? I’m 44, married, and almost never have sex
Anon
That sounds like a good way to get pregnant. Use a c*ndom every time if you don’t want a baby.
Anon
Or I guess I should say, if you don’t want a pregnancy. Pregnancy != baby.
Anononon
Yeah, Freudian slip recognizing what everyone already knows.
Anonymous
It is. I speak from experience.
Irish Midori
This is my experience too. I have 2 lovely sons to show for it.
Anon
We should have named our son “I’ll pull out, I have good control” except it was too long, so he’s Sam.
Anon
Ovulation estimates are just generic estimates and are not exact for a lot of people. If you’re not tracking your ovulation with any specific data it seems like it may not work out well for you. Even then though, you can still ovulate unreliably. I was extremely reliable until the month I decided to try to get pregnant, where I ovulated early. Would have had no idea if I wasn’t using strips.
Anon
+1. And the generic estimate gets a lot less accurate as you get older. A 44 year old is much more likely to ovulate early or late than a 30 year old.
Anon
Sympto-thermal and Billings should be able to catch early ovulation. Absent fertile cervical fluid, s—n (avoiding mod here) die very quickly. So if you usually ovulate on day 13 (meaning you would avoid intercourse from day 8 onwards), you wouldn’t have s-x if you found fertile fluid on, say, day 5.
Yeah, you get pregnant if you don’t follow the rules of NFP, but at least understand what the rules are before saying it doesn’t work.
Anon
I don’t think anyone is talking about NFP? The method the Op was using doesn’t seem to be NFP.
Anon
I use Clue and don’t find it particularly helpful for tracking much more than my period. I haven’t found an app that’s great at integrating all of my symptoms into it’s prediction, unfortunately. But, I have a Paragard so it’s largely immaterial. I would love to be able to nail down when my super productive day would be but haven’t been consistent enough about tracking daily across multiple months to figure that out.
Irish Midori
I used NFP — the thermometer, the charts, everything. Got pregnant. I read the books and understand the science, but apparently I’m bad at it. *shrug* If you really really cannot “mess up” and get pregnant, I would look at some other options. Side note: a lot of people use NFP for religious reasons. Which is great. The religious teaching behind it (from my reading, anyway) includes the teaching that a child is a gift from God. So it’s okay to try to prevent the pregnancy, but if God circumvents the attempt, it’s your job to roll with it. *IrishMidori’s take on the Pope: Not canon.
Never too many shoes...
My Catholic marriage course included a session on natural family planning. After touting how great it was for women, leaving aside that it does not work at all for those with unpredictable ovulation, the woman was asked if she herself used it. She said yes. She was asked how many kids she had and answered four. She was then asked how many she was planning to have and paused before saying two. But followed up quickly that they were all gifts from God. I was that kid snorting in the back.
Anonymous
I feel like my family has been Catholic long enough that we’re descended from a long line of women who ovulated at random times. Maybe that’s not how that works, but NFP has historically limited family size in my family if by limit you mean “six” instead of “twelve.”
Anon
I have lots of “Irish twin*” cousins because everyone knows you can’t get pregnant while breastfeeding.
* less than 12 months apart
Anononymous
I have two children, both of whom were conceived the very first month we weren’t actively preventing, and in both cases (due to work travel) we didn’t do the deed anywhere near what I believed my fertile window to be, and I was tracking fluid and using ovulation strips. And I still got pregnant. I’m pretty sure if I tried to use NFP I’d have like 20 kids. Or not, because I wouldn’t let my husband come near me; after the second kid I insisted on two different methods of birth control at all times because I’m truly terrified of how fertile we are.
Anonymous
I tried the the tracking method and got pregnant. I am not that much younger than you. I wouldn’t risk it.
Anon
I’m an NFP user and… um… what are you trying to do here and why? (Me: married, mid/late thirties, not trying quite yet but pregnancy would not be an issue.)
Don’t mix and match. Either use protection every single time, or diligently chart your symptoms and temperature yourself for at least 3 months and take a class. The app can only do so much. (Also, there are NFP physicians who rate apps, and look at the ones with the best algorithms if you are serious about not getting pregnant.)
Why not simply use protection all the time? Why the lack of frequency? Are you hoping a different method will help with that?
NFP works for us, in part, because we communicate very well and are in the happy-newlywed phase. Before my fertile time, we talk about what the chances are, and whether or not we are comfortable with it on that particular day. I charted diligently for 8 months before our wedding and have freakishly discernable patterns.
NFP can absolutely be a reliable method of contraception, ***provided you don’t just ask an app.*** What you are doing right now is why people make fun of it.
Anon for this
Me. After 7 years I needed IVF to get pg with 2nd. And she’s 7-years old now. So I think after 14+ years of no naturally occurring pg, even while trying, my odds are pretty low. But I’m also totally ok with a 3rd, which, although unlikely, is the risk I am taking. I don’t “want” a 3rd as in I’m not striving for it and timing it and doing IVF but I am also totally fine having a 3rd.
Anonymous
Technically, yes, though it was a different tracking app. But yes, we did for about 3 years after our first baby. We wanted a second in theory, but weren’t trying. Honestly, it worked reliably for about 3 years. Until it didn’t. Which was fine, as that was the ultimate plan, but yeah, if I was firmly in the no baby mindset, I’d probably add another layer.
K
I posed in December about my high school boyfriend that passed away. I hadn’t talked to him in probably 7 years but since he died I find myself thinking about him a lot. He didn’t have any social media so I don’t really know what he did after high school, just bits of info from friends that were still in touch with him. His parents were so nice at the wake, they said I was a big part of their son’s life and were glad I came. Sometimes I thought about getting in touch with him but then talked myself out of it because it had been too long, and he’s the one that broke up with me (when we were 16) to begin with. And then he died and I keep wishing that I had tried to talk to him. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, I just feel weird having so many feelings about this, like I didn’t know who he was for the last 7 years, why do I care so much?
Anon
Send his parents a card. Give your condolences and include a memory or two that highlights their son at his best – a time he made someone feel better, a time when helped someone study for a test, etc. They need the memories of their son to leaf through 20 years from now.
For you: talk to a counselor. It’s hard when people die young. I still have regrets about not reaching out more to people who died 10 years ago.
Anonymous
It’s a loss of possibility. Would you have become friends again? What would he have become? Would he have had a career or family? I think it brings up a lot of feelings about doors closing and that’s hard. It’s also doors closing on your own youth in some ways. I frequently think about an acquaintance (not even a good friend) from college this way. If it’s bothering you, then it might not hurt to talk to a therapist. Otherwise I think it’s just something you have to sit with and recognize there’s a bit of nostalgia you’ll always have. And it’s ok to mourn the loss of someone else’s future because it is a sad thing. But don’t let it hold you back from making your own.
Ginnie
I had a similar loss. My first bowl-me-over crush died a few months before we were supposed to graduate college. He lived around the corner from me and I loved him as soon as I saw him on the first day of junior high. We were both super shy and orbited around each other for a while. Then his parents got divorced, he moved across the country, and we grew apart. I saw him across the hall once or twice when he visited our hometown in high school. I still cared about him but I didn’t know what to say anymore. He would pop up in my Facebook feed every now and then in college and it was the same thing – a little nothing conversation and then but I still thought about him all the time. I remember when I saw on Facebook that he died. I felt like an a**hole for not being close enough to have learned some other way, and to feel sad about him dying. I felt greedy searching for any social media residue that he would have left behind, trying to get to know him after he was gone. I thought I didn’t have any right to feel the grief I had because we didn’t know each other anymore. I was really conflicted because I wasn’t a part of him, and I never shared with anyone how much I still carried the memory of him around. I did the same thing you did – I thought about messaging him so many times but never did because how weird would it be to hear from the girl you had a crush on in 8th grade out of nowhere? I knew we didn’t have anything in common when he died. I regretted not reaching back out to him for years, every time I thought I should have, and still kind of regret it. This was almost 7 years ago. I still think about him now and then, but in a different way. I realized I was mourning the kids we used to be. I was sad that I didn’t get to know the person he had become. He was the first person I knew who was my age when they died. We were both so far from where we used to be and it was jarring to reconcile the memories I had of him, these Wonder Years-style sweet moments, with his dying from an overdose and me dealing with what I now realized was depression that went undiagnosed for most of my teens and 20s. We were different.
I don’t mean to make this all about me. All this to say that everything you’re feeling right now? You’re allowed to feel it without having to justify it or figure out how to “pay” for your grief with your closeness to him. His death matters to you because he mattered to you. The pieces of him that you carry around in your heart are a little heavier now that you know he’s not out there maybe carrying around little pieces of you. That’s a really difficult thing. Don’t make it harder on yourself by thinking you don’t deserve to miss him.
How many chances should I give new sitter?
We’ve had the same after-school sitter for a long time but she had to move so we interviewed a lot of candidates and selected someone with (what seemed like) good experience.
It’s her first week and she has been 5-10 minutes late every day (she arrives before school ends to make snacks, so it’s not like the kids were waiting for her but still) and has messed up the snacks I’ve asked her to make (I left written instructions AND she shadowed our old sitter so she’s seen snack prep).
She also seems really inefficient. She asked if we’d consider paying her for more hours and offered to do extra household tasks but it seems like she doesn’t get anything done except cleaning up the huge mess she makes in the kitchen.
Are my expectations too high? Granted we had the same sitter for so long before I know there is a ramp up period.
Anonymous
The lateness is an issue. I’m confused what type of snacks need written instructions and shadowing to make though.
How many chances should I give new sitter?
My kids have some dietary limitations so they have a pretty specific diet. In one instance instead of making what I instructed she just dug through the pantry and made them ramen, which is not healthy, not age-appropriate and also too spicy for them.
Anon
Have you talked to her about these things? She may figure 5 to 10 minutes late is no big deal since the kids aren’t home yet and she has time to finish the snacks before their arrival. She may not understand how precise snacks need to be – there is lots of leeway in a snack and a big difference between “she didn’t cut the crusts off the sandwhich” and “she almost fed my child an allergen”. She’s also just learning your home and kitchen so stuff is going to get messy while she learns where the knives, pots and pans and cleaning supplies are are and how to most efficiently use the day. All this to say, talk to her then see if she addresses the issues which, tbh, sound pretty minor. To me, if I trust someone with my kids and the above are the only issues (provided the snack thing is minor issue), you’re kind of winning.
Or fire her if you’re uncomfortable, idk they’re your kids and you do what’s right for your family. But I really don’t think these are a big deal, especially if you haven’t mentioned it to her and stressed how important timeliness and exact food prep is to you.
How many chances should I give new sitter?
Thanks this is a good reality check.
I raised the issue of the food prep (luckily I was home) and she admitted that she remembers being told how to do the snacks/lunches but “just forgot.” Without getting into specifics, it wasn’t minor things – both meals had to be thrown out and could not be eaten by the kids. It’s helpful to hear that timeliness and making mistakes aren’t a bit deal – I guess I am not sure what my expectations should be.
I think I’m hesitant because I paid her to shadow our old sitter, to explain things AND to write out instructions so I am having a hard time understanding why she isn’t following my instructions, but maybe it’s a lot of new information at once despite all that.
Ann
I would have a hard time with this too. Sounds like you’ve given her enough chances. The lateness is fixable but failure to listen and follow instructions doesn’t seem to be.
If you feel like trying again, one suggestion –
I have had success with sending my nanny youtube videos of how to make things. Earlier tried shadowing (didnt work – she forgot) and also written instructions (not great at reading, English not her first language). But youtube works great!
How many chances should I give new sitter?
That’s a great suggestion – thanks!
Anon
Late in the day, but what fees do you guys pay on your 401Ks? I just noticed I’m paying a $5 “participant fee” once a quarter.
Anonymous
That’s low. I pay $20 a quarter on each of several accounts.
Anon
I have a small expense ratio (less than 0.5%, I don’t remember the exact amount but similar to vanguard), but no exter fee. That would piss me off