Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Oversized Ribbed Wool Cardigan
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’ve had slouchy, oversized sweaters on the brain the last few days, but this one from Toteme is a much more elevated option than the cardigans that I’ve been bundling myself in. The wide lapels and buttons make it feel like a cozier version of a double-breasted blazer.
This would look beautiful layered over your favorite work T-shirt or a slim-fitting turtleneck.
The sweater is $770 at NET-A-PORTER and comes in sizes XS-XL. It also comes in gray.
Sales of note for 2/6:
- Nordstrom – End of Season Sale — winter styles up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – End of season sale, up to 70% off original prices — plus extra 25% off your $175+ purchase.
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off + extra 15% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance up to 70% off
- Elie Tahari – Great sale, up to 60% off! This reader-favorite sleeveless silk blouse is down to $50 from $198
- Express – $40 off $120, $75 off $200 (online only).
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off winter classics, + extra 30% off sale styles with code
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + extra 50% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Valentine's sale, up to 50% off — reader favorites include this laptop tote, this backpack, and this crossbody
- M.M.LaFleur – Save up to 70% off, dozens of styles now on clearance. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Neiman Marcus – New sale arrivals, up to 40% off. You can also earn a $35-$700 gift card with purchase of $250-$3000.
- Talbots – Free shipping on $150+, and members earn 3X style points.
I’m not a troll, I promise. I’m a person who has always had an HMO and is asking for help about PPOs. My HMO won’t prescribe me the Wegovy pill because my numbers are good despite being 30-40 lbs overweight. I know I can get the pill straight from the company, but I need a Rx. The company links to various services, but I don’t want to have to pay an ongoing cost to the Rx service in addition to the monthly cost for the pill. I just need a Rx. How do I make this happen? (I’m just outside DC in VA, if it matters.) Thanks!
Won’t a doctor write you a prescription? I pay for most prescriptions out of pocket because it’s cheaper than going through insurance. My doctor writes the prescription and I just tell the pharmacy I am paying out of pocket/using GoodRx. If your HMO doctor won’t write a prescription can you pay out of pocket to see an independent doctor? You will have to visit at least once a year to have the prescription renewed.
I’m just paying Ro for it. There’s a monthly charge and the cost of the meds. Worth every penny, best thing I’ve done for myself.
CallonDoc is a recommended service for this.
Is anyone concerned about these sorts of remote-only practices? If I were a provider, I’d probably be really concerned about knowing nothing about a patient and a lot of pressure from them expecting just an RX and no real ongoing relationship. It just doesn’t seem like a good way to practice medicine.
Agreed. I’m very wary of prescription mills.
If I already have the relevant diagnosis and the med is clearly indicated and I already discussed pros/cons and potential contraindications with my usual doctor and my usual pharmacist… and it’s just an issue of a practice that has the bandwidth to jump through the insurance hoops… I’m not really worried on my own behalf.
This is where I fall. I get that GLPs are new, and have a lot more complicated considerations, but there are some things that require a prescription that just…maybe shouldn’t. And if it’s in the maybe-shouldn’t bucket, I am ok with using an online prescription mill.
Like to get the typhoid vaccine for international travel, I could have made a $200 appointment at an in-person travel clinic, answered the same 3 screening questions (yes, I should definitely get this, no, I don’t have any of the very rare contraindications) to get a prescription. Or I could pay some online company $30 to pay a doctor to look at the form where I marked exactly those same things. Maybe I should have been able to just self-certify. But there wasn’t any real medical decision making or in depth knowledge being needed either way, so I picked the cheap one.
What changes in person?
No? Medicine is a service, and usually a sh!tty one at that. I would rather pay for play than have to beg and plead and do the whole insurance rigmarole, usually for nothing because of medical s3xism.
Is your provider recommending you use a semiglutide?
If your numbers are good, you probably don’t need one, no?
No?
This is not exactly what you’re asking, but I jumped through hoops for almost two years trying to get a prescription for Wegovy through my regular doctor and through my cardiologist. None of their offices were equipped to jump through the hoops required for the prior authorization to get my insurance to cover it. I joined Ro last year and they were able to push it through in a matter of days. The monthly cost isn’t insignificant, but if there’s any chance it might be covered by insurance, I think it’s worth it.
I recently switched insurance companies and GLP-1s are no longer covered, so I switched to WeightWatchers Clinic. The monthly fee is about half the cost of what I was paying through Ro and they also are billing my insurance for me to meet with a dietitian.
You can just ask your doc for a scrip and say you’ll pay out of pocket with Eli Direct as your pharmacy. If they don’t see a way to put the order through like that then you might need a number (NPC?) – I don’t see it easily on the website but that’s where I got it a year ago.
This is what I’ve done but I haven’t felt like I could go to my doc to discuss progression/stalling/etc – if you’d gone thru Ro or WW you might have someone you could ask in theory.
I mean, you’ll need to pay an ongoing fee to your doctor too. An Rx doesn’t last forever. You have to pay your copay for every office visit.
I see a weight loss doctor in my town who is an expert in getting these prescriptions pushed through. I see them once every three months and it’s super easy to keep it going.
I wonder: what is the role of doctors supposed to be now? I thought it was you go and they recommend something (or nothing). But now, maybe with so much direct-to-consumer advertising, we go in with more of a consumer-store mindset of “I want X” and unless X is contraindicted, the doctor should give you X and all they do is perhaps figure out the dosing.
I can see here why they wouldn’t always just give you the meds: side effects and being a life-long patient on an expensive medicine. There was a WSJ article last week where they mentioned a substantial rebound effect when quitting GLP-1s if you don’t really work in lifestyle changes as a solid commitment you can maintain (otherwise, you will very rapidly regain the weight) and that they may not work well if you re-start them.
I agree… I’m very pro-modern medicine and yet very concerned about the extreme popularity of GLP1s. If your doctor isn’t prescribing, perhaps get a second opinion if you want, but they’re probably not prescribing for a reason.
I wonder this also for gender-confirming type procedures. I feel that it’s such an area where people first trusted blindly and there was no critical evaluation and now it is too overheated for me to believe that there will ever be serious science in this area, just maybe tort lawyers waiting in the wings.
You are doubting placebo controlled RCTs of a pharmaceutical constitute serious science because of uncertainties about surgical interventions?
Most (all?) non-surgical approaches to weight loss come with the risk of substantial rebound effect, and most are harder to maintain long term than staying on an effective med.
Lots of people are life long patients on expensive medications when indicated. How is it the doctor’s call whether it’s worth it to me?
This. Plus doctors are the first to lecture about weight and these are widely prescribed because there’s almost no downside for most people. I’ll take getting it online without the lecture any day.
It’s a doctor and maybe they feel that there are legit malpractice risks from prescribing it to some people and not others. Otherwise, it is Rx and not OTC probably for a good reason (yes? Even in the MAHA era?).
We were told extended release opioids were safe and doctors prescribed them because they were lectured about pain being a vital sign and that patient satisfaction scores would suffer without prescribing it and giving patients exactly what they wanted. And maybe we should have not been so quick to rush in to something news vs giving people what they want? Hesitancy for a life on one pill that can be expensive isn’t a bad thing IMO. This was a T2D drug initially and not it seems to be mostly outside of that group.
Has it occurred to you that your doctor isn’t prescribing for a reason?
Sometimes the reason is just prejudice against people who need to lose weight (there are still providers who think it’s an issue of self control and moral character and not a medical issue) Sometimes it’s that the office simply does not have the bandwidth to handle the paperwork for all the patients who would need it. But some doctors just have blanket policies that they don’t want to deal with these meds and would prefer their patients get them from a weight loss clinic instead.
Didn’t this med used to be in the endocrinologist space for diabetics? I can see a GP who isn’t a solo practitioner not being allowed to expand their scope to what should be for an endocrinologist or a weight loss practice. GPs are spread thin and already have a big scope of issues to monitor. Maybe it’s that?
I don’t think it’s technically out of scope, but it may be still unreasonable to take on all the extra work. And specialists often have better staffing for prior auths.
Since the OP mentions an HMO, and is in Nova, I suspect she’s with Kaiser. In which case the “reason” the doctor won’t prescribe it is because Kaiser won’t cover it. Kaiser is a closed system – they will only prescribe what they will cover, according to their own in house guidelines. Kaiser has its place in the healthcare system, but God help you if you are one of their patients and need individualized care that’s not solely “by the book”.
It doesn’t really sound like there should be a place in the healthcare system for this. How many patients never need individualized care?
I have Kaiser. They won’t pay for my Zepbound prescription. But they did work with me to get the prescription and have my PCP work with me to adjust dosing.
I think it’s really important to understand the difference between “My HMO won’t prescribe this” and “My HMO won’t pay for this.”
FWIW, I had a doc who I loved who just didn’t like GLP-1s and wouldn’t prescribe them because he didn’t like that they were lifelong drugs or else there was a bounce back. I just pay an online prescriber for them.
I pay for Plushcare, see my doc via telehealth monthly. I can use lab work from my hmo or use theirs. It costs $85 if I do it from them. They call in the prescription to and I get it shipped from the pharmaceutical company. Kaiser is a mess, and I actually get better service from the telehealth. Thinking of going to Vineyard at some point because they specialize, but it was important to just get started.
Cleaning question for your Monday:
I just bought a new-to-me car. The guy I bought it from used a LOT os cologne and it still smells like it a few weeks later after I have sprayed multiple times with “zero odor” (which I use for the cat room and think works pretty well). What should I clean the mats/seats with to lessen the smell? Note that I am sensitive to scents in general and I hate the smell of all automotive cleaning products, air fresheners, etc. I like the method all purpose grapefruit scent but lemon pledge, for example, is too strong. TIA!
I would have the interior steam-cleaned.
I’ve seen people recommend Zorbx for getting scents off of second hand clothing. I’ve been lucky and haven’t had to use it for this purpose, so unfortunately I can’t recommend it, but it could be something to look into?
Some car detailers on Youtube deploy ozone machines to kill smells like smoke etc. Not something you want to do on your own, but maybe a detailer in your area can help.
We did this for a smoky used car and it worked very well. We rented the machine and it’s very easily done. No advance skills required.
I thought there was something about the gases involved, needing to air out the car after, etc. But maybe it’s really easy.
Ozone is very bad for your lungs if you don’t have the right gear or know what you’re doing.
Anybody wanting to use ozone, please do a basic google check before you decid.e
This
maybe try activated carbon bags?
You’ll probably end up steam cleaning it like others have said but try a cup of vinegar in cup holder over night and see if that helps?
Use a carpet extractor for upholstered seats and carpet, and literally hose down the mats. If the seats are not fabric, at least wipe them down with soapy water, then with clear water, and wipe them dry.
Charcoal briquettes (new ones) are good at absorbing odors over time. You could secure some in a paper sack under the passenger seat and forget about them. Don’t put them under the driver’s seat where they could roll out and get lodged under your brake or gas pedals.
Also you may need to change the cabin air filter
This! I did this recently for my car after way too many years that I care to admit. It was disgusting.
It’s very easy to do yourself usually, every auto parts store should have the filters for your brand and model.
Get a spray bottle and fill it with Costco vodka and spray down all of the interior upholstery surfaces until they are quite damp. Do it slowly to give the vodka time to penetrate the fabric. Vinegar sometimes works as well, but obviously leaves a very distinctive vinegar smell. Then let it dry, preferably with the doors open.
If that does not work, I would consult a professional car cleaner. And I second the suggestion to change the cabin air filter.
I do this but with rubbing alcohol.
Professional unscented febreeze (i.e. the original formula that was designed to absorb odors vs. cover them).
I’m odor sensitive and this stuff is great.
Does anyone have a home office desk they love or have recommendation for a good place to shop for one that is not Amazon, Wayfair, Crate & Barrel, PB, Restoration Hardware or All Modern? How is Article? Or Castlery?
I’m looking for something pretty basic – dreaming of a “standard sized” desk, maybe 54″ long. Doesn’t need to rise or anything. Would love 3 drawers on one side (or both). Looking for nothing too modern / nothing too funky. A wood tone – oak, or light oak/birch color, and as dark as walnut. I don’t want white or black. Anything I’ve seen on Wayfair is really cr appy quality it seems like when I read reviews. I’ll take any and all suggestions!
Do you want to buy new? Because a standard sized, basic desk in any wood with three drawers that’s not too modern sounds like something you could find secondhand. Or again if you are fine with traditional styles, something that your local guy who makes furniture may be able to make.
+1 fbk marketplace
Open to it but not seeing anything that doesn’t look like it came out of my grandma’s house. I’m all for FB marketplace generally but I want something that appeals to me aesthetically. Trying to set up a cozy home office.
I just…. don’t believe you. FB marketplace is flooded with real wood desks in every style from craftsman to mid century. You just need to search.
Not everybody lives in a major city with an active FB marketplace community. Where I live (major Southern California city) it is easy. But I have seen what is available in other places and it tends to be Walmart at best.
I think I’m not sure I know what your style is if you want basic and wood but don’t like grandma furniture. Maybe you do like modern styles so long as they’re wood?
It’s really hard to find simple and elegant wood pieces used, probably because those have aged so well that people continue using them!
Lots of country styles from the era of geese wearing hats in kitchen wallpaper, lots of “fancy” mahogany, lots of rustic farm-style stuff, not so much, like, Henredon campaign desks.
Ballard, Ethan Allen?
I would check Costco. And maybe IKEA – they do have furniture that is wood tone.
Check out West Elm. Lots of pretty wood options.
Oh thank you. That Hughes Desk is quite pretty and along the simplicity I’m looking for. I must have missed that when I searched there earlier.
Room and Board has sleek styles and their stuff is well-made.
What do you have against Crate & Barrel, PB, Restoration Hardware? I got my desk from Crate & Barrel years ago and it has survived several moves. I still love it.
Well, the price tag for one. Don’t get me wrong – I have plenty of both in my house. The one I love the most is at CB and is $2000 (Keane 65″ Natural Wood – it also may be a smidge too big, need to remeasure later). I’ll pay it if I have to but I feel like I’m just having a mental block of other places to find furniture these days! I feel like everything is $500 and particle board, or $1500+.
Not sure if this is an option where you live but there are Amish furniture makers in some places that might work.
My desk is from Rejuvenation and it’s real wood, no MDF. Love how it looks and how it’s holding up.
Looking for your favorite flats that are similar in style to Converse but with better support?
Converse with Aetrex inserts :)
Flats or sneakers? I really like Sambas.
Adidas work for my feet. I cannot wear Converse or Keds without pain.
Taos has a few styles that might work.
Lots of people like the Adidas Gazelle or the Adidas Spezial. The brand doesn’t work for my foot shape, but the styles are great.
Adidas Spezial has really good arch support. I love them, but I know others find them to be too much.
adore my kelly green ones!
How do you get diagnosed with and treated for anemia? I have a usually well controlled chronic condition for which anemia is a comorbidity. I’m having bad fatigue, weakness, some lightheadedness and shortness of breath which makes me think potential anemia.
My PCP just left the practice and I can’t get into see anyone else there for a few days. I went to urgent care and they said they can’t order any blood tests. Just gave me bland advice on the GI condition.
I can’t naturally incorporate iron or b12 into my diet because my condition impacts my appetite, ability to eat, and ability to keep food down. I know iron supplements are tough on the stomach so dont want to add to that issue.
I also don’t really want to just go ahead and fix this myself – I want it documented and in my medical records. I don’t think I ever got a full diagnosis and certainly didn’t get a full treatment plan for my condition and I think more documentation can help.
One medical will do this for you. Or you can self order labs through Labcorp or Quest.
+1 to Quest or something.
I’ve read about little iron fish you can put in your water to help – to discuss with your doc if there’s a deficiency.
“lucky iron fish”
https://a.co/d/j6YCfpF
You need blood tests. Do you have a specialist for your chronic condition that could order them? Even an OB/GYN – basically any other doctor you have a relationship with? That said, it generally takes a while to treat, so a few day delay is maybe not the end of the word.
PS – the lucky iron fish, supplements, eating more red meat etc. will help, but over a period of many months. If you are seriously anemic, you probably need a blood transfusion.
Or, more likely, an iron infusion.
I’m not sure what chronic condition you have, but it’s possible B12 shots are indicated so you wouldn’t have to worry about getting B12 from your diet. Heme iron polypeptides are much easier on the stomach than other iron supplements. Folate matters for anemia too. My hematologist checks my blood at the beginning of the appt and the results come back while I’m still there. I don’t know if your gastroenterologist can order labs for you in advance of your next check up.
A few days’ wait for labwork from a new provider at your PCP’s office doesn’t seem outrageous for properly diagnosing and treating a non-acute issue like anemia, tbh.
Urgent care is not really suited for something like anemia. Do you see a specialist for your condition? If so, you could also ask them to check you for low iron levels.
This is correct, urgent care is not the place for anemia (nor typically for shortness of breath/lightheadedness). Urgent care cannot do an infusion/transfusion. Not to be alarmist, but if your symptoms are concerning that you cannot wait for few days for an appointment, you need to go to the hospital. At a minimum, you need to call a triage nurse from your insurance line to assess if you need to the hospital.
Yes, and there are acute causes of anemia that are ER worthy (not to mention other conditions that cause these symptoms that are ER worthy).
I did assume that if urgent care did not point OP towards the ER that the symptoms did not present as ER-worthy, but if OP believes her symptoms do require more immediate care than what her PCP can accommodate, by all means, she should get herself to the ER.
Call the office of the specialist who treats your underlying condition.
I have lived through this (including my Hgb dropping to 8.0, which sent me to the ER. )You need a hematologist to do a full workup and then iron infusions. In the meantime, the only supplement that both worked and didn’t wreck my digestion was one called Simply Heme. It is real heme iron so it’s much easier to digest. Good luck!
You need urgently need a new PCP or a specialist in your chronic condition.
Managing nutritional deficiencies with a controlled chronic condition is above the pay grade of a few lab tests. If it comes back that you’re deficient in B12 or iron, you’ll need to figure out how to get back to replete without irritating your GI tract.
Your specialist and GP should both be able to treat this. Anemia isn’t an urgent issue so I think a few days wait would be fine? You could also ask for a referral to a dietitian while you’re there to see if any diet changes may help. FWIW, not all iron is hard on the stomach, and a dietitian may be able to help you figure out if a supplement may work.
I mean, unless it’s something like hemolytic anemia… if it’s even anemia at all and not something more urgent (do we trust urgent center work up?).
Speaking for myself, the shortness of breath improved for me very rapidly (I think within two days) on the right iron supplement.
1) You need a new PCP as others have said.
2) You get diagnosed with anemia based on your HGB levels. Some providers also will look at ferritin but a ferritin deficiency is not enough to establish iron-deficient anemia.
3) If you really have anemia, then the course of treatment is usually a) oral supplementation followed by b) infusions if oral supplementation is documentedly not working. I find that providers are really reluctant to provide infusions, so you may have to keep pushing.
4) In the interim: sublingual liquid B12 is easy on your system and can help with that issue. You also can’t overdose on B12, so I would not hesitate to try it. Also consider iron pills designed for bariatric patients, which usually are dissolvable in the mouth (thus getting more of the drug into your system without your ability to keep food down). If you do in fact have B12 and iron deficiencies, you will feel better if you start adding those things back in.
5) Last interim option is vitamin patches. The data is not great on these, but I also have malabsorption problems with oral vitamin supplementation and I figure that a patch is at least a backup solution when my digestive system doesn’t want to process these supplements.
Iron infusions can have worse side effects than supplements. I wouldn’t try infusions without trying heme iron first. I do know infusions are sometimes needed.
Sublingual B12 isn’t really that much better than oral. Injections have decades of evidence behind them and are known to provide genuine parenteral delivery for people who really need to bypass the GI system. I don’t know about the patches, but B12 isn’t one to take risks with.
Through recent blood work, I discovered I have very low ferritin level. I started taking 27mg of heme iron together with 200mg lactoferrin and 500mg vitamin C every morning right after waking up on empty stomach. After 4 days, I started feeling decent after waking up (not drained & tired AF like for the last 2 years), with more energy and better mood during the day. I am far from having normal levels and will retest in 2 months. I am sharing this as I was suspecting taking high dose of iron on empty stomach would lead to digestive issues, but I have no such issues. Might be worth looking into heme iron and combining it with vitamin C and lactoferrin. While waiting for GP appointment, could you pay out of pocket for a ferritin test? I am not familiar with US healthcare or prices, but this should be very cheap. And if needed, your GP can then send you for a more comprehensive panelu
I’ve had this before & after experience too; it’s a huge quality of life thing for me to be at better levels!
So if you went to urgent care, and they assessed that you are stable enough to wait until you see your doctor in a few days, why don’t you just do that? You can also contact the doctor treating your GI condition if you are concerned. There is no rule at urgent care that they cannot order blood tests, so I’m not sure what is going on with them. Your symptoms are very non specific and could be caused by literally dozens to hundreds of things.
Iron supplements are not always tough on the stomach. Take them with food (but ideally separate from high calcium foods like dairy). Try an iron gluconate, or just eat some iron rich foods for a few days. But honestly iron works over weeks to month – not over days. Just make sure you are well hydrated – which I assume you are or urgent care would have told you.
If you have a GI condition, than those doctors should have reviewed with you what possible nutritional deficiencies you may be more susceptible too. Of course, most of us women who are menstruating tend towards being anemic so this is something your PCP can manage long term if your specialists are very hands off.
Sorry for the TMI question first thing. I had a baby over a year ago (15 months, to be precise) and my periods started again about 8 months PP (after weaning). They were dead regular at first, but for the last several cycles, they’ve been shorter cycles with “false starts” where it seems to start, become extremely light, and then finish off with maybe 2-3 days of light ish but more normal-for-me flow. Some of the blood looks old. What should I be doing about this? In my experience, every gynecologist I’ve ever had has completely brushed off anything like this and just suggested the pill so I don’t really have a lot of faith in starting there. I used to be quite regular before pregnancy and was able to get pregnant on the first try multiple times (just one living baby and no more planned). WWYD?
What other parts of your cycle do you track? Do you track temperature and mucus? Those can give you a lot of clues.
How old are you?
How are other aspects of your life (stress, sleep, nutrition)?
I would agree that it would be helpful to track as much concrete info as you can: when the shift began, the actual dates and intervals between periods, etc.
Also, the info about how old you are, other medical conditions, medications, life stresses/changes, etc. is important.
I don’t track anything else. Just turned 37 in late November, stress is moderate, sleep is decent if not amazing. Definitely not pregnant.
mine turned a bit irregular at that age, without a pregnancy in between. Since I get pretty clear PMS symptoms, predictability is not an issue, and I just go with it.
I’m asking whether or not you are ovulating, which you can track with the sympto-thermal method or strips. I’m also asking the length of each phase of your cycle (follicular, ovulation, and luteal), not just your periods. It’s helpful information to have.
This sounds like my symptoms, but I’m almost a decade older than you (yikes more than a decade, I’m 49. In my head I’m 37!). Mention it to your doctor; i think fibroids can sometimes cause breakthrough bleeding but it sounds like you’re just getting it a day or two earlier, then it goes away, then it comes back?
This was happening to me when I had then-undiagnosed fibroids.
I’d go on the pill. It’s great for predictability and very helpful with menopause.
I’m assuming there’s no chance you are pregnant?
Any chance you may be starting (peri)menopause?
In any case, I’d speak to your doctor, and maybe get an ultrasound done to check whether ovaries, uterus etc look healthy.
A couple of things could be going on.
1) Hormonal fluctuations, especially low progesterone.
2) Depending on your age, perimenopause.
3) Fibroids and endometriosis caused this for me.
I’m not trying to downplay your concern but FWIW similar things have happened to me. After Kid 2, my period was whacky- went from dead regular to like, hemorrhage level blood for 3 days, then nothing, then random spotting. I had a 3rd kid and after that it was sort of all reset. Then I hit my late 30s and it started getting weird again. I thought for sure it was premenopausal. Nope, just my body because now I’m 42 and normal again.
Tbh, it does seem like a nothing burger to me. You’re still having a regular cycle, it’s just a different kind of regular cycle than it was before you had a baby. If you want a little more predictably, the pill is the way to go. I’m a big fan of no period BC myself, so that’s my route.
+1
Really? I forget where I read it now, but I read some piece from a women’s health nurse practitioner that said that it isn’t really normal hormonally to have the false start type of period, especially if it nearly goes away entirely. But it seems like it could be challenging to hunt for a cause.
I was irregular between baby 1 and baby 2 at around 37/38 probably because I hated my job so much. Changed jobs, got pregnant again on the first try. Got an iud after weaning at 40. Never looked back.
If you have concerns, or especially other symptoms, you can see if you can get hormone testing or a pelvic ultrasound to see if you have any unusual hormone issues or a cyst, etc. There’s nothing wrong with having a cycle like that, though. Your body went through hormonal changes and you’re older. It’s all technically normal but still worth following up on.
I’m in the throes of perimenopause. I’m managing the physical symptoms OK, but the one thing that is bothering me the most is my lack of interest in doing social things. I’ve always been introverted, but it seems to be on another level these days. I no longer go to church, because the thought of being around that many people and making small talk is too much. I skipped a game night last Thursday with close friends because it felt like too much effort. Also, I knew that I didn’t want to drink or stay up late because I had a busy Friday at work.
DH and I used to be up for hosting all sorts of things: watch parties, game nights, patio hangouts, family gatherings, etc. Over the past year, we’ve barely hosted anything because I just don’t have it in me to be social AND the hostess. It’s really a shame; we have an amazing backyard that we designed around outdoor entertaining. And last summer, we had people over maybe twice?
I truly don’t want to be this way, and I know that isolating myself socially isn’t a great thing long-term. So I do force myself to be social, but “force” is the key word. Sometimes it’s fine, and I end up having a good time and being glad I got out there. Other times, I just want to be at home.
Will I ever get over this? Do I lean into it and just let myself be a hermit for awhile? Force myself to get out there and do things? This has been going on for about a year now, and it doesn’t feel normal.
is this a typical symptom for peri, or is something else going on?
+1
This isn’t a perimenopausal symptom per se. Of course depression/anxiety can be more common with perimenopause, and if you are losing interest in things that may be a symptom of a mood change.
Sounds like depression not menopause.
Bingo! Anhedonia: Not enjoying things you once loved. See your pcp for a low dose antidepressant and see if it helps.
+1
Can’t comment on possible depression. But you need to force yourself. As a fellow introvert, socializing is a muscle that I need to exercise or I will get rusty and awkward. But I also cannot overdo it and need my alone time to maintain equilibrium.
This is the tricky balance for me. I know you’re right; I need to force it a bit. It’s just extra difficult to do so right now. :(
So, if I’m reading this correctly, the problem is that you want to want to socialize, but you really do not want to socialize.
I’m actually reading a book about the value of solitude from a psychological perspective (The Joy of Solitude, Robert J Coplan, if you’re interested but I don’t actually find it particularly compelling read.) The big take away that I’m getting from it is to be mindful with how you’re spending your time and have a positive mindset about what you’re doing. Like, people who don’t enjoy spending time by themselves should figure out enjoyable solitary activities for themselves to balance out socializing, and vice versa for those who prefer to be by themselves. Like, are you avoiding socializing because you would genuinely rather be knitting or reading by yourself? Lean into it without guilt and socialize every couple of months for variety and see if maybe you do enjoy it. But if you’re avoiding socializing because it just sounds like too much work but then you sit at home and doomscroll and wish that you weren’t like this, you need to start doing things on purpose that you enjoy, whether they’re solitary or social. Don’t get caught up in the person you were or wish you were, just focus on where you’re at right now.
Is there a reason you’re linking this to being in perimenopause?
I’m also a confirmed introvert, and have been in a hermit stage for the past month or so (because of winter, cold, and major health issues). One thing I’ve noticed is that the deeper you go in, the more resistance there is to coming out of it. It’s, quite simply, easier to stay home than to go anywhere or be around people. But for me, nurturing that habit is a route to inertia and depression, so I can’t afford to let it continue.
What do you know about yourself — is this the first time you’ve had a season like this? What was happening a “about a year ago” that helped send you into this mode? Are there health or life stage stresses contributing to this? Is depression something that you deal with?
I’ve had a lot of stress over the past year, although that seems to be getting better. I guess I’m linking it to peri because it just seems to take more effort to do everything, which seems to be a symptom.
That is also a symptom of depression.
The perimenopause symptoms are the straw that broke the camels back. Peri by itself won’t do this, but if it’s one of many other things going on, then yeah you’re gonna feel bad.
I’m wondering if you’re really managing the physical symptoms okay. Is this linked to energy levels (i.e., could you use a good multivitamin or better sleep quality or more exercise)? I’m hearing you talk about “too much effort” and what sounds like rationing energy because you know you need it at work. I’d be questioning whether there was a little more going on than just perimenopause physically if I felt like I was rationing effort and finding social events too costly.
I’m somewhat similar but it feels more like I’ve just leaned into my introverted status and that is now a legitimate reason to not do things. People are really really tiring to me so I conserve my energy and have found new things I love. Keep in mind that the pandemic was a blip on everyone’s radar that interrupted regular hangouts and it also feels like as I’ve gotten older they’re less common also jsut because we’re all busy with family commitments. (Also, it’s so tiring being among people and not knowing who’s on which team for MAGA/AWFUL. I myself am an AWFUL and have to tiptoe through every conversation with regular people like in my hobby groups or school-related groups to make sure I don’t accidentally say anything offensive.) I would focus on which events you DO like and which ones you DON’T and if you can pinpoint the differences.
A talk with your doc about depression might help also.
Looking for some good suggestions for dessert for a super bowl party where there will be 4 families, including teenagers. Brownies seem too basic, but that’s my usual potluck dessert. Any other ideas I should consider?
The M&M bars from Sally’s Baking are dead easy and delicious. Bonus points for holiday M&Ms.
these are my new go to. they are so good.
I love that I don’t even need a mixer!
Brownies seem awesome to me! Especially with teens.
Brownies sound perfect for a super bowl party. That doesn’t seem like an occasion for fancy desserts to me.
Basic is fine! People love brownies.
If you want to be on theme, you could get a football shaped cookie cutter, cut out brownies, and then use white icing to put the lacing on to make them look like footballs.
Basic is good for a Super Bowl party. Make the brownies!
The Pioneer Woman’s Knock You Naked brownies are always such a hit.
Yes, brownies!!! If you want to dress it up get ice cream and toppings.
I’m going to a Super Bowl party and I’m taking a pan of regular brownies and a pan of these delicious peanut-butter-and-blackberry squares: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1021094-peanut-butter-blackberry-bars?unlocked_article_code=1.JFA.9_du.YDSZ5iFhQR_n&smid=share-url
my 12 year old has been making football snacks for her and her buddies. hits have included:
chocolate dipped strawberries, for theming you can add white frosting laces to make them look like footballs
whoopie pies (homemade or bought, kiddo likes to make them herself), you can make them ovals and pipe on football laces for extra theming
brookies (Ghiradelli makes a brookie-in-a-box mix that makes this easy, Trader Joes also sells them premade)
cookie cake
brownies are also a just fine option! If you want to be extra about it, add team colored M&Ms to them if you are going to be somewhere that has a clear favorite for the game.
I once went to a Super Bowl party where someone made rice crispies treats shaped like footballs and they were a huge hit with adults and kids alike. The maker said they were very easy.
Eggnog spiced rice cereal treats – add vanilla extract and spiced rum to the marshmallow mixture before mixing in the cereal. Total hit every time I make them.
Fruit cobbler. I will do blueberry or blackberry and mango, using frozen fruit. I take home maybe a scoop of each. Mango sounds odd, but it is delicious.
Sugar cookies, especially if you have a bakery nearby that will do an order for them and can decorate.
If you are going to full-time grad school from working (where I had health insurance), do you just get the school’s health insurance (since it should work well-enough locally)? Or ask your parents to get a dependent policy for you since you can stay on until you are 25 (but who knows if it works well locally) and just offer to pay them back? I’m not sure if there is an option that obviously makes more sense. One parent has an option for comprehensive health insurance through their job; the other has an option for a HDHP / HSA.
Pretty much everyone I knew stayed on their parents insurance til 26 regardless.
When my daughter was in college, her university’s plan was substantially less expensive than keeping her on my employer-provided plan so be sure you run the numbers.
University plans usually cover almost nothing though – “running the numbers” means looking at what’s covered and where you can get covered services, not just comparing the premiums and deductibles. I have teens and we definitely plan to keep them on our employer insurance.
price out the school’s policy vs. an individual (ACA) plan vs. your parent adding you to their employer coverage after scoping out the network quality near school. In my case it was 100% the right call to go on my parents’ as the incremental cost was a fraction of buying my own coverage.
If you work for your school (even a small assistantship) you may be eligible for employee health insurance.
Your parent can’t just sign you up for health insurance. They have to add you to their own plan. So you will have to accept whatever plan they’ve chosen (HDHP or PPO).
When I went to grad school the student policy was really cheap (I think $750 for the year?) so I just purchased that policy.
I was in my 40s when I went back and went on an ACA plan. It worked out well, but since premiums went up so much, I’m not sure it would be feasible now.
Ultimately depends on the details of the costs & your expected medical needs, but for me it made sense to just get the school’s policy. It was very cheap (~$900/year), covered primary care at the school clinic with no copay and would have covered specialist care at the attached university hospital if anything really bad happened
But check out the actual numbers – if you have to pay a student health fee (not insurance) that covers the school clinic anyway, you might be better off with the parents’ insurance. You’ll be able to see what’s in network locally.
this really depends on your finances as well as your health. If you are healthy, I’d go with the cheapest option. If you have complex medical needs, go with the best coverage. I went to the minute clinic like 3x total during grad school + had birth control prescribed so I was fine on the bare bones plan.
What flight search engine is good these days? I always started my search with Kayak in the past but lately it seems to skew to some airlines over others in a way that doesn’t seem to make sense. I always thought it was supposed to be a search engine of search engines so that wouldn’t be an issue but I find it very non-user friendly these days.
I swear by Google Flights. You end up booking directly with the airline after you figure out the best itinerary.
Google Flights all the way for most standard flight searches.
Supplement with searching directly on airline website like Iceland Air in case of specific destinations that might not be well represented.
I use the ITA Flight Matrix. Only downside is it doesn’t track Southwest.
I have two friends who are generally lovely people but who ask other people easily googled information all the time. It’s not something I really clocked until I became more aware of invisible labor. But now that I’m aware of something, it kills me. Questions are such basic things like what are the grocery store’s hours? Or, do we get MLK day off as a company? What area code is (xxx)?Things that are easily found with a quick google, search of the company Sharepoint, or at worst, a phone call.
I feel like it’s too passive aggressive to not respond or to respond by sending the link I find easily on Google, but also I am not these friends’ personal Google assistant!
I am totally different asking for a recommendation or a suggestion. But a quick fact check? Do it yourself, girl!
“I don’t know, but I bet you could look it up online.”
I have a sister who does this routinely. I have started replying with, “I don’t know, why don’t you google it and tell me what you find out.”
“Sorry, I don’t know.” Sorry softens it for a friend, but the message is that you need to solve this problem yourself!
This behaviour drives me nuts. The entitlement and learned helplessness make me rage.
Ooh, I’m not sure. What did their google maps listing say?
Oh, I’m not sure. What does Sharepoint say?
Repeat forever.
This is just what life was like before smartphones. Sharing information was part of how people connected with each other. It is not the worst thing to have some very offline friends!
That’s what I was thinking. Like, people did used to just know this stuff because it wasn’t super easy to look up. Especially if they’re older, I’d cut them some slack.
Just ignore it
if they’re just making conversation, who cares? plus Google is not always right, especially the AI intro summaries… as opposed to someone who regularly shops at a particular store and knows that if they pop in at 9:45 that it will actually be open.
It’s usually not stuff that I’d reasonably know though! Like the zip code example – it was for a state halfway across the country. I’ve only lived in my home state. The friend knows this.
I get these requests pretty frequently. It reads to me as either neediness or that they’re so omg busy they can’t possibly google for themselves.
It’s ok to say that you don’t know! It’s not a bad thing to not know it all. You don’t have to look it up for them. When you consistently reply like you automatically know everything, maybe they just assume that you know random stuff like that so you’re a dependable ask?
Are they texting/emailing you this, or saying it in person? I do know people who say things like this in-person as “making conversation” – they’re just talking about what they’re doing / it’s a conversational entry point. Like “Where is area code 555?” “No idea, why?” “Just got a call from a number I don’t know there – I wonder if it’s Auntie A’s new number” “Oh, I remember your Auntie A! How is she?”
(Doesn’t mean that has to be your favorite conversational style! But just as a thought, it might help figure out if the message you want to convey to them is “I don’t want to Google that for you” vs “I’m in the middle of something/can’t chitchat right now”)
I agree. a lot of people talk like that. Additionally, if you’ve looked stuff up for them in the past, they may think that is part of your shared conversational style together and that you don’t mind looking up stuff when you are talking with them.
Since you talk about replying/not replying and sending the link you found, it sounds like they’re texting or messaging you to ask this stuff? If so, that’s a pet peeve of mine, too. It’s just as easy to do a quick search as it is to send me a text and want me to do it for you!
Yes, it’s 90% texting or Teams messaging! Or, a colleague I sit near who will make verbal requests.
Agreed that it’s just as easy to Google yourself as it is to ask me to Google for you!
I think this isn’t an “invisible labor” thing; I think it’s a “bid for connection” thing.
Or… you could just do the quick Google and chalk it up as price of admission to the friendship. That’s what I usually do.
To me it says they trust my judgment!
“I don’t know.” alternatively, i send them the “let me google that for you” link.
“Oh, good question.” Full stop.
My husband does this a LOT. I’ve kindly stopped doing the labor for him, and he has started catching himself at it. It has become something of a running joke between us.
“Babe, what time does the hardware store open on Saturday? Wait, nevermind. Google will give me the same answer it will give you, won’t it?”
I have a friend who does this and it’s recently started to annoy me too. It started with information that she might reasonably think I had better access to than she did – and I am a very organized Type A person who puts school/kid activity events on the calendar at the beginning of the year, so she wasn’t wrong.
More recently, it really feels like it’s just intellectual laziness. I still value the friendship but I’m not her personal search engine. So I’ve (probably passive aggressively) not responded quickly to the request or said, “huh, IDK” or “hmm, I haven’t seen an announcement about that…”
So, shared frustration but no real solutions.
Feeling like you can’t say no or having negative feelings about having to respond to a dumb question sounds like people pleasing. Therapy helped me enormously with my people pleasing tendencies.
OP I have friends like this too. When our group chat talks about current events one friend never knows what we’re talking about. She’s like, “Wait what happened?” I always think, dude Google it, it’s all over the internet! If it were me who was lost in a convo I would google it before asking.
In the past, I had a friend or two get lap-band or gastric bypass every year. It was a tough surgery with a recovery time, and done after a lot of work and weight loss. And then later sometimes skin-removal surgery. It was expensive and no joke. Has that all just gone away now that there are GLP-1s? I wonder if those people are angry at what they had to endure now that there are GLP-1s, with no time off of work, no scars, no pain, etc. Like if they had waited a bit longer and not tried to follow their doctors, they could have had a very different path.
My aunt out-ate her lap band and is now on GLP-1s it’s been quite a ride.
I lost 130 lbs over the course of 7 years – about half from intermittent fasting and half using a GLP. I have had two skin removal surgeries. I think pretty well any time there is a massive weight loss, skin surgery is needed.
Does insurance pay for that? It seems whenever there is something like that that I’d like to have but can live without, it’s nixed as merely cosmetic.
I don’t know the answer to your question, but I do know that weight loss surgery is body mutilation. It might have been a necessary evil for some, but devastating to the body.
It’s a very high risk intervention, but I’m not sure words like “mutilation” help anyone here. And some lucky people really do experience only benefits (benefits that begin before any weight is lost, so it fixed something beyond weight for them).
By some definitions every surgery is body mutilation but that is not a helpful way to frame a medically necessary intervention.
I don’t know about mutilation but it does sound brutal to me.
But it certainly has lead to lots of complications long term, including nutritional deficiencies, some of which can be quite serious because often doctors aren’t following closely for them. I suspect this will be similarly an issue for those on GLP-1s.
I was fired 10 days ago and just received my paper severance check. I was told I’d receive two months’ pay, and the amount of the check doesn’t relate to my old direct deposit amount in any way that I can figure out. It’s about $1800 short, which isn’t anything to sneeze at. (I never had benefits from my job, so there’s nothing about insurance or whatnot.) There was no pay stub included with the check, so I don’t know where they got their number. I also didn’t receive pay for the partial month I worked before being fired. Do I say something? Is there something I’m missing about how severance works that explains why my check is different?
Girl!!! Of course you say something!! Why wouldn’t you?!?
Is it possible the check you got is for the partial month you worked, and the severance is still coming? Or tax withholding got wonky?
But anyway, ping HR and ask for a paystub/explanation of how its calculated. This is a very normal thing to ask for even though you don’t work there anymore.
I received a severance package last year and it was taxed as a bonus (higher rate). So more taxes came out than usual.
A lump sum payment such as a bonus is not taxed at a higher rate, but the withholding rate is generally higher. There is no difference at the end of the year but it feels different, especially with severance where the employee might need the cash.
For sure ask them for an accounting.
+1 simple first step is to ask for a check stub/breakdown.
Agreed, for sure ask for a breakdown of the total! Totally normal and appropriate question.
This is not legal advice, but I wouldn’t cash the check until you figure it out.
I think my husband has started to notice that I’m less than happy in our marriage. I’m not sure if I’m asking for advice about that or maybe just commiseration? I’m not interested in divorce for now (we have a baby).
We’ve been married for 5 years. He/we weren’t in a good place when he was unemployed for a few years. He’s never been particularly talkative and he has a low libido, but both tanked when he was out of work.
For years I tried. I tried so hard to carry our relationship. Somewhere in the years of infertility treatments and difficult pregnancy, I gave up. I stopped scheduling dinner dates because I didn’t want to struggle to make conversation while he just sat there silently. I stopped writing little love notes to him to find in his sock drawer or pockets. I stopped telling him about my day. I stopped initiating intimacy. I don’t think he noticed. We were/are still polite and helpful to each other, we exchange thoughtful gifts at gift-giving occasions, we don’t fight.
Now that he’s working, he’s more talkative and engaging, though the lack of intimacy hasn’t changed. He’ll talk about his day for a long time and I think he’s started to notice that I don’t say much. I’m just generally quieter than I once was. Except with our baby. He is my joy. He gets all of my love and energy.
I’m not necessarily unhappy. I feel like I used up all the love I had for DH and I didn’t get anything back so now my tank is empty. I still have kindness to offer, though. If H notices then he hasn’t really tried to fix it. And I’m not sure it can be fixed. Or maybe this is just life? Is this how all couples feel after a few years?
It’s not how all couples feel after a few years.
You absolutely don’t have to do this, but what if for two weeks you return to offering those little expressions of love? Notes in his drawer sound so kind and are low effort / high impact. Tell him about your day when he tells you about his. If he tells you he’s been craving a Butterfinger and you see one at the gas station, pick it up for him. That sort of thing. Play with the baby together. Engage only to the extent that feels good but like a bit of a stretch ; I’m not saying burn yourself out. Just put in 20-30% more effort than you currently are. Just for two weeks. Just to see how it feels now. I think that tiny little experiment will tell you a lot about what you want long term, without asking too much of you now.
This is a good suggestion.
This is brilliant.
Oof friend, that is a really rough few years and it sounds like you’re doing a really good job trying to navigate big hard life things. I don’t think you will feel like this forever, even though it is okay that you feel this way right now. You’re tired because you’ve been through all those big hard life things and now you have a baby which is also a big transition in a couple’s life. You can rest for a little while, while keep extending kindness but not try and fix anything right now. I would bet that this turns out to be just a season of your relationship. My only advice to you is that you think of it that way – a season – vs. a fixed state of your marriage now. As long as you allow that this is a season that will change again, you won’t get stuck in this idea that it’s this forever. But you don’t force seasons to change, you live through them as best you can. You’re doing really well, you have politeness, helpfulness, thoughtful gifts, no fights, and kindness to offer. There’s so much there that will rekindle the spark when you’re in a season of summer again.
I was married like this for years and it didn’t get better. I think if it was “just” this I probably would have stuck it out, but other problems arose and I left him. I was soooooooo much happier on my own, even as a single parent with a demanding job and a toddler. I can’t even explain how much better it is to be alone than lonely in a marriage. I eventually met someone else and remarried and am very happy in that marriage but I would a million times rather have remained alone than be married like that.
There was a book called too good to leave, too bad to stay, that I found helpful at the time.
This is NOT how all couples feel! I can’t imagine having a child in a loveless marriage
I can’t imagine having a child in a marriage like this, let alone pursuing fertility treatments to have a child.
Oh, do you have a time machine? I’d love to hear all about it.
This is phrased in an unhelpful way but it’s true. It sounds like you’ve given up on the marriage because you resent how little your husband gave you for years. Going through fertility treatment with a guy who won’t even ask how your day went…that’s horribly lonely and I’m so sorry. And now that he seems more engaged you’re not interested in making an effort anymore.
Ask yourself what you need in order to get back on track. Do you need him to acknowledge how hurtful his behavior was and apologize? Do you need to jointly schedule time to “date” each other again? Is there anything that would work at all? I’d start with solo therapy to answer this question. This dynamic is not healthy or sustainable and it’s not what you should model for your son.
What a mean, self-important comment.
This will come off snarky or unkind, but I mean it very genuinely — did you like him a lot before the really tough parts of the relationship? Sounds like the price of admission at the beginning of the relationship was low libido and not super talkative, which you put effort into changing through the course of the relationship. Maybe you are just in a place now that you realize you don’t want to have to work so hard to make the relationship compatible?
When I’ve been through similar periods with my husband, I made sure to talk about and acknowledge it. It doesn’t really change the day to day, but it reframes things from “an inevitable decline in the relationship” to ” deciding as partners to prioritize other things right now.” It also means that I’m more comfortable to express when I do need or want a shift in our relationship (be it that I’m going to be spending more time by myself or whether my libido is back after weaning or I just feel like he’s been phubbing me too much and I want some attention.) I often wish that my partner could just read my mind and know everything that needs done and the order I want it prioritized in, but that’s not fair to expect.
Tl;dr it’s normal and won’t last forever, you get to decide if you want to reinvest in the relationship later or not.
I think at a minimum you should share your experience and your feeling with your husband. At a minimum, he will understand what has happened and what is happening. I think he also might see it as an opportunity for him to start doing more and carry more of the burden like you were before. I think because he was struggling with something really hard before and because you do have a child together, it is worth communicating.
I agree with this, provided that the husband is in a mental place to receive the feedback. I had something similar happen with my husband and waited years to say anything about it. It had never even occurred to him how much “his” hard time had affected me. Things will never be the same as they were when we were first married because the struggle turned us both into different people, but at least I don’t want to push him away quite as much now and I feel like we’re on the same team again.
You need to talk to him about it. Every couple goes through highs and lows, but him basically shutting down for a few years until you just sit silently is not good.
Go to counseling. Read some relationship books and work your way through them. Tell him what you need.
If he’s at least open to working on it and then actually puts in the effort to work on it, that’s progress. If he ignores you, belittles you, or refuses to participate, that’s a bad sign.
The refusal to even try was what finally made my friend file for divorce from her husband. She asked me for marriage advice, how my husband and I handled issues, etc., and every time, she was struck by the fact that my husband participated in identifying issues, talking about things before they blew up, taking ownership of his part of a challenge, etc. Her husband never did that.
People aren’t mind readers, but you should be able to tell him that you miss talking WITH him, you feel disconnected because you have no intimate time, etc. If he loves you and wants to have a solid marriage, he needs to know what you need and make an effort to give it to you. Your needs are not unreasonable.
Your way of describing yourself as having given up kinda worries me because it sounds like you’re completely done with the relationship. Why did you have a kid with this person if you were already done? I’m not saying you were wrong to feel done, but it might’ve been a mistake to have a kid with this guy knowing how you felt. Maybe you thought things would get better? Or that there was still something there? But now’s the time to cling to that hope, not get annoyed that your sperm donor is still around.
And honestly, the first year of parenting is really, really tough. My husband and I felt the same way during those early months. It gets so much easier once your kid starts eating solid food, walking, talking, and all that.
I think it is normal to experience some kind of shift and reestablish some things around the five year mark. We had to talk through a lot of things around then. I feel that infertility alone is a big deal to go through, so maybe that was part of it for us too (though we weren’t also going through new parenthood which is its own big deal! or the period of unemployment).
Please post on the moms site too – you might get some good feedback there too. The baby years can be so tough and especially after the additional stressful times you’ve had. I would take a breather and just continue to be kind to each other. When things have settled down a bit and you have more energy, you can revisit and maybe talk through with your DH things you want to improve and focus on etc. Good luck!
This is my relationship too – or at least it has been. When our kid was about a year and a half old, my husband had a serious medical issue with a long recovery period and spun downward into depression and was out of work for a while. It was compounded by a lot of post-partum anger on my side, feeling like I was shouldering almost all of the baby-load.
We’re doing much better now although still not anywhere close to where I want to be. What helped was time – my husband was able to return to work and regain much of his physical and mental health, our baby grew older and was more independent, and I have been able to take more time for myself, and I switched jobs as well.
We love each other and are not unkind to each other, but I still feel like we struggle to get back to the feeling of partnership and closeness we had before. I also hesitate to raise my concerns because I don’t want to trigger another downward spiral even though I know this just results in more isolation. When we got married, he was always the more optimistic person in our relationship and I was the bigger cynic. Without that balance, and with constant worrying about the state of the world the last few years, it feels like happiness is harder to come by. But things have gotten much better, and I think they will continue to get better and so I’m holding out for the future.
You have to put effort into a relationship to keep it alive. It’s normal to go through ups and downs, but I wouldn’t give up putting effort into your relationship, and then question why it’s not what you want. Husbands don’t always provide everything you want. You have to talk about it and ask for what you need (more than once, sometimes over and over), or initiate sometimes. The fact that you are still kind to each other is important. That’s a foundation to build on.
I was hired three months ago at a large company to do work in line A. However, for the past three months, I have been on a project in line B. Line B work sucks and there is a reason that I didn’t take a job in the type of work that is line B (I’ve done line B work in previous jobs). I really dislike the line B project I’m on, which is scheduled to go into 2027. I feel misled as far as being hired for line A. I want to work on line A projects. I’ve let my boss know, and he agrees that it sucks, and pretty much told me to try to stick it out a little while longer (this was a month ago). I have a meeting with him tomorrow. Can anyone help me with a tactful, respectful script for firmly asking him to get me off line B project and get me onto projects that I was actually hired for?
Can you push for a timeline of the Line B work ending? Depending on how secure you feel – or how easy your job search was – you could consider broaching the topic as “I really want to move my career in the direction of Line A, so it’s been surprising to get so much Line B work. Do you see Line B work being a major part of my role forever?”
There’s always a tough balance that you’re still making an impression on the boss and don’t necessarily want to mark yourself as “unhappy” so early on.
This may not be something you want to hear, but I think you may need to reframe your goal for the conversation.
There is no magic script that is necessarily going to guaranteed get your project changed (sorry). What you really need is the information you’ll need to make your next decision: which is: do you want to be applying for other jobs? Subquestion: how urgently/how much time do you want to dedicate to finding another job? And, is getting on Project A important enough that you are willing to risk your current job to try to make it happen? Subquestion: how much risk are you willing to take about your current job to do that?
So I would focus on figuring out from your current manager what the timeline & likelihood of moving projects would look like. It’s unclear to me if Proj B is full time?
And then you’ll have to decide if you want to risk this job to start saying things like “I was hired to do A, and it’s really important to me to get back to that on a shorter timeline. B is scheduled until the end of the year. What can we do to get me on A in the next month or so?”. But then you are definitely on the path of “starting to make it clear you’ll quit over this”, which necessarily entails risk to your current job. Up to you whether that’s worth it.
Are you in a position to walk away if things don’t improve? That would change my suggested script.
Would love your sectional sofa recs for a household with two big dogs. Looking for:
– Fabric, not leather
– L-shape or corner configuration
– Not aggressively oversized (smaller house)
– Somewhat deep seats
What have you had good luck with, durability and comfort-wise? Thanks!
Every time this is asked, I say I went with Sabai Design for a durable corner sectional, in fabric, that fits in my smaller house, and is washable/pet friendly and low VOC. The price has gone up since I purchased though, and the color options are pretty limited. So if I were shopping now, I wonder if I’d go with strategically ordered Apt2B, which others here have recommended.
With dogs I would prioritize something with a completely removable cover. I take my sofa cover off every 6-8 weeks and the water is absolutely disgusting.
Whatever you do find, I can also recommend Nolan Interiors covers for your cushions. We have an older pup who likes to lick and these have saved our mohair couch.