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Anon
Is it legal to put clauses in an employment contract related to termination for disability? I was offered a job but this contract states that if I’m injured and can’t work for 30 days they can terminate me. I’m in Canada in case that matters.
Anon
This is so location dependent that I wouldn’t trust the opinion of someone in a different jurisdiction. At least in the US, it would vary between states. Not sure if it would vary between provinces.
Anonymous
It does vary between provinces unless in a federally regulated industry. The govt website for your province should have some general info of labour and employment law. Most provinces also have a public legal information association which offers a short initial consultation for a low fee.
Anon
Definitely something to speak to an employment attorney about.
Anonymous
Oh, wow. Definitely location dependent. I’m in Scandi, and a random disability termination clause would be impressively illegal. There could be profession specific physical demands, though, like for pilots, ballet dancers or deep sea divers, that could mean you would be banned from the profession later. In that case there would a pension, stipend or something to help a transition.
Anon
I had this in my contract (England) so would not be surprised to see it in Canada. Do check.
Anon
COVID recovery question
Older/retired next door neighbors both have COVID. They are recovering well, but are still testing positive several days out (? 8 or 9), and I think more than 5 days since they had fevers.
Their home has been undergoing construction for months… and they essential live in their living room with no shower. Their bathroom is currently under remodeling to make it accessible. For the summer, they’ve been coming to my house when they want a real shower. No problem on my end. They are lovely.
But now with COVID, they haven’t been coming. I am immunocompromised on strong meds, and still wear masks in crowded places. No COVID so far.
Just curious – when would you have them start coming back over to shower? I can always just ask them to wear a mask when they are walking through the house, and keep windows in the bathroom open when they leave.
Anon
Personally as a non-immunocompromised person, I would do Day 10, but in your situation I would wait until they are testing negative. Is there another neighbor whose shower they can use?
If not, I think being extremely cautious (having them wear N95s to get to the bathroom and then not using that bathroom for at least a few hours) would be a good option.
Stay safe, there is a big surge in cases right now. So glad you haven’t caught it yet.
Anon
If you’re immunocompromised, I wouldn’t let them into your house until they test negative.
Anonymous
This would be my guidelines as the spouse of an immune compromised person. I just recently had Covid and I waited to spend any time with him until I was testing negative again, which was day 12.
Anon.
Agree.
Anon
It’s time for them to spend a little money on a hotel.
anon
Yeah, I think this is neighbors’ problem to solve. OP has been super generous and kind, but risking illness is asking too much of her. I wouldn’t have them in my home while they were testing positive. Doubly so if I had anyone especially vulnerable in my house.
Anonymous
Or a Planet Fitness membership!
Anon
Thanks everyone. Appreciate your perspective.
Runcible
Maybe another neighbor could assist until they test negative and don’t exhibit symptoms anymore?
Anonymous
what are your best tips for shaping your eyebrows well? when i was younger i used to go and get them threaded and maybe that’s what i need to do again… but are there any other steps to get non-funny-looking eyebrows? i’ve plucked from above, i’ve plucked from below, and i still cannot figure out what looks funny about them.
Anon
I think the Anastasia brand sells stencils. They have cutouts for different brow shapes for you to tweeze to or otherwise fill in.
Have you tried some brow gel to get them to behave?
Anon
the stencils:
https://www.anastasiabeverlyhills.com/products/stencils
anon
Yes these are wonderful, the shapes are beautiful. I used them with Laura Mercier Ground Coffee eyeshadow and it was perfect for my coloring. I am changing my brow shape though so I stopped using them.
Anon
Go to an actual brow artist. There are professionals who make their living just doing brows (and sometimes event makeup). You will never look better.
Anon
Don’t pluck from above!
Anon
Run a fingernail against the direction of hair growth. That will help you determine if any of your eyebrow hairs is too long: it will quite literally stick out.
I have exactly one eyebrow hair that can get comically long (think, over an inch, and normal eyebrow hairs top out around 1 cm). I use the nail trick every couple of months and pluck that one single eyebrow hair out. It really does make my brow look all sorts of weird, because it lays along the eyebrow itself but looks… wrong.
Also consider brow gel.
Anon
Draw one solid line along the bottom of your eyebrows in the shape you want and focus on plucking so the line is sharp. Pluck strays from elsewhere if necessary but mostly you focus on the bottom.
anon4
I really like this. What does sculpt mean here? Anyone have one of these?
Anon
I just ordered them yesterday, so I’ll try to report back once they arrive. I ordered a pair in this bright wine color and the latte color in petite. I grabbed some of the volume blouses on sale about a month ago, I got so many compliments the first time I wore it and the sale price after discounts was $12!
Anon
I posted a little while ago, but I am late twenties and I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is from India but has lived in the US for 10 years, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to move back at some point. After a few months of discussion, it has morphed into us moving to India for 2-3 years before getting married. My initial anxieties around this were about career prospects and leaving my mom, who’s a widow and only has me and my sister for support. I’ve talked to my mom, and she’s said I need to live my own life and do what’s right for me. I also have talked to my job, and they are open to me pivoting my role to focusing on penetrating Indian markets and selling our product in India.
We currently live together, and I really love him. We have gone back to India twice together, the most recent time to try out me working there (I set up a few exploratory calls with potential Indian customers). The panic around the thought of moving to India for a few years has subsided knowing that I could keep my career going. My boyfriend is on track to become extremely rich (successful hedgefund manager) and comes from an extremely wealthy family, but being able to focus on my own career feels important to me.
He seems really sure about me, but I also know that he is a cerebral person and doesn’t necessarily feel love as intensely as I do (i.e., he moreso analyzes a person or relationship to determine that it’s the right fit, more based on logic than on intense feelings or bonding). He told me that he was committing to deciding if I’m the one this year and that he is working through knowing when the person you’re with is the person to spend your life with. We have a great relationship – we spend basically all of our time together and I love being with him. He is extremely smart, handsome, charming, funny, and motivated/ambitious.
I am not sure if I am making a mistake moving to another country, or if it will be a wonderful adventure. It feels like a necessary step to make the relationship continue, and is only a few years, but is also a huge leap. What are your guys’ thoughts about this?
Anonymous
Why does he not know if you are the one now?
Honestly this has strong vibes of white GF until arranged marriage with bride from wealthy Indian family. Especially for ultra wealthy families in India, there is strong merger of assets aspects.
Have you met his parents and siblings on your trips? Do they support your possible future marriage?
Anon
I’ve met his parents and siblings multiple times, and they’re super welcoming to me and would be happy with us to have a future together, so that aspect wouldn’t be an issue. They are a very progressive and modern family.
Anon
What they say to your face isn’t necessarily how they feel. That’s not an Indian thing, btw, it’s a human thing.
Anonymous
Indian American here – be super clear that my people are VERY good at saying in front of your face what you want to here. So in front of you – super nice, oh we’re so happy for you, it doesn’t matter at all who our son marries as long as he’s happy. When you’re not there – they very easily could be crying to their boy about how his parents are sick over his decision to marry a white girl and beta just come back to India, bring her with you, we’ll show you all the wonderful girls available here and you’ll find the one for you here.
I mean this happens at every level of Indian society and the rich like his family are VERY good at playing these games. But even poorer people can do it well. Heck have you never watched 90 Day Fiance? There was a couple – Indian guy working at a gym, white girl from Oklahoma. He brings her over to meet his family, she decides she doesn’t trust him to translate so she brings a translator, clear as day asks family – how would you feel if we married and family says – we would be happy. Fast forward 15 min, woman goes back to hotel and mom and dad go off about how he can’t marry her, they don’t approve, will never approve. Guy even says – why did you just say to her 15 min ago you’d be ok with it then?? Mom clear as day goes – I didn’t say that, I said we’d have to think about it. For the record – she did not say that. So yeah my people are super good at straight up lying. Just keep that in mind.
Anonymous
Yep I thought the exact same thing. A friend of mine was the white girlfriend in this case and it absolutely wrecked her to watch her ex get married 6 months after discarding her.
Anon
Yup. His mom probably already has his future wife picked out.
jane
that’s some top notch racial stereotyping there!
Anon
lol I’m Indian. It’s not stereotyping, it’s how things work for wealthy Indian families that want their sons to move home.
Anon
Personally, I would not uproot my life to give someone I had been with for 18 months to continue to consider whether they want to make a commitment to me.
Anon
* another year or so to continue to consider . . .
Anon
+1 million
Anon
DTMFA.
Anon
Can I ask why?
Anon
Because it sounds like the guy is asking OP to make big sacrifices for him (move away from family, to a new country, take her career in a different direction, give up a year of potentially dating other guys while he makes up his mind about her) – it’s like he expects her to prioritize him/their relationship above all else, while she is somewhere in the middle of his priority list. I am all for people prioritizing serious relationships, but it needs to be mutual. What, if anything, is he willing to sacrifice for her?
anon
I’m going to say something pretty controversial: you will come across other handsome, charming, wealthy men throughout your life. There will be other romantic opportunities that you can’t even envision at this point. I say this because when I was in my late 20s, I dated a guy who I was convinced was untoppable despite some pretty clear drawbacks relating to his family and where he wanted to move to (Texas). And now, I’m so glad I didn’t go down that road. This isn’t your last – or only- chance to marry someone with charm and ambition.
Anon
Nothing controversial about that
Anecdata
If there were no boyfriend in the picture at all, does moving to India and trying this job pivot sound “scary but exciting! adventure!” or would it be something you would never ever do? (or – if your boyfriend announced he changed his mind, actually no interest in moving to India, would you be half relieved and half disappointed; or would you be just relieved?
Anon
This. Move if it is right for you.
He can see himself with you for years and yet hasn’t given you a ring and a wedding date, so in my kind he’s pretty clear today that you’re only dating material on a go-forward basis.
Anon
Yes. Girlfriend material. Not wife material.
Anon
Run. This is not a relationship that should continue. This guy expects you to uproot your life and move to the other side of the planet so that he can waste your time while he judges whether you’re good enough for him. He sounds like a jerk. Even if he decides you’re worthy, I highly doubt he only wants to stay in India for 2-3 years. He’s already made it clear that he expects to call the shots while you try to convince yourself you had an equal say in the decision. This is the kind of guy who declares a year or two from now “I want to live here permanently and it’s not up for discussion.”
Anon
Excuse me he’s “working through” knowing if you’re the one??? If he doesn’t know you’re the one by now then you need to dump him. DON’T move without marriage.
anon
Seriously. DO NOT do this to yourself. 18 months is plenty long to decide whether someone is the one, even if you’re not yet ready to make it official.
Anon
This! I wouldn’t move for a guy without a ring and in this case, moving to another country, I wouldn’t move without being legally married.That being said, this does not sound like the right relationship for you. It feels more like a power and control issue. He doesn’t seem like a guy who will respect you long term or value your opinion.
Anon
I hope OP is coming back to read these responses. DO NOT move for a man who is ‘working through” whether you’re the one. That is demeaning and you deserve so much better.
Anon
Girl he doesn’t want to marry you. Sorry.
Anon
There was a similar thread a couple months ago – maybe someone can find it.
Great points above. If you want kids, do you want to raise them in India and around his family much more than yours?
If you get divorced and have kids you probably have to stay to see them.
Anon
I think this is the OP of that thread. She said she posted about this before.
Anon
And everyone said run then too. Nothing changed.
Anon
She doesn’t want to hear it.
Anon
Yea she should leave him and find someone else. If she doesn’t, I think she will completely disrupt her life, move, get engaged, only for him to end the engagement and marry someone else, someone his family approves of, etc. I know I’m leaping here but this just sounds off to me.
Anon
If that one is the same poster, then I recall something about the boyfriend having a far higher sex drive as well. That paired with the inability to commit raises major red flags for me. This was all covered in detail on that thread, though.
Anon
It was the same person and she got the exact same answers she’s getting now.
Anon
I think you’re making a huge mistake and I say that as someone who moved across the country for my husband’s job. But 1) moving to a different country is very different than moving within the US and 2) we were married, and this guy doesn’t seem to want to marry you. Unless you’re still in high school or college, you shouldn’t need another year to figure out if your girlfriend of 1.5 years is the one.
Anonymous
I think you sound scared of doing this and you’re way too focused on his feelings not your own. I think your internal warning system is going off and you should listen. Some people would jump at this chance but you aren’t and that’s valid.
Anon
I wouldn’t even let my then boyfriend move into my apartment with me before he agreed on a timeline for a marriage proposal, I would never in a million years move to a foreign country for 2-3 years(!!!) before your boyfriend decides if he’s willing to marry you.
In my opinion him even stating this to you is the brightest of red flags. It’s one thing if he’s not ready to get engaged yet but to make it contingent on you uprooting your life to move to his home country is nuts.
Anonymous
I don’t understand. Are you moving before his Year of Deciding is over, or after? If before, no, unless you want to move to India anyway. If after, yes, and he should propose before you move.
Fwiw this is similar in a lot of ways to the beginnings of my relationship. It worked out and we are now happily married (and the place we moved to is *amazing* and we ended up staying), but I still regret being kind of dumb when we were younger and following him without any sort of real commitment. It just didn’t feel good.
Anon
Can I ask where you moved and what your early experience was like?
Anonymous
It was not an international move, but it still felt like a big deal because it was a move to a different region of the US that I/my family and friends were not familiar with. That said, it’s a place with a ton of opportunities for women both personally and professionally, and I likely would have been completely fine and stayed put if the relationship ended.
Anon
You sound so sure about him. I could not be with someone when our levels of confidence in the other are so disparate. Please find someone who is as into you as you are into him. Also, if you want kids, consider your biological clock. It is a cliche, but it’s also real. The “few years” from 29-32 should be measured in dog years for childbearing purposes.
Anon
Don’t love without a wedding ring and a prenup that protects you. Unilateral sacrifices are a terrible idea.
Anon
Move not love….
Anon
Perhaps consult with an Indian lawyer about the validity of prenups there. I know nothing about it but don’t think it would be very pro women.
anon
I don’t know why but your situation is sort of reminding me of that story line from the first season of White Lotus (Shane/Rachel). If you’re potentially marrying into a very wealthy Indian family, are there unstated expectations that go along with that? Are you prepared to live with those expectations?
anon
You said the plan is to move to India for a few years before getting married. Then what? You stay there or move back? I wouldn’t count on him wanting to move back to the US.
I’m Indian but have lived in the US my whole life. I’ve been back to visit but I would not want to live there.
Also, as others have mentioned there are other issues with this relationship. Don’t feel like this is the best you can do. There’s a better guy out there for you.
anon
It could go well, but there are many ways this can go so painfully wrong for you. It’s very low risk for him.
What happens if things go badly after a time? I’d want legal advice, from someone who handles custody disputes of rich Indians, on what happens in various bad situations, especially re custody if you have a baby in India.
Anon
Oh, my goodness. OP – whatever you decide, be sure you are on iron clad birth control.
Anon
It doesn’t seem like he’s planning on coming back to the US, so maybe consider if you want to live there forever. Also, what is your relationship with his parents and family like right now?
anon
GIRL. WHAT.
Moving to INDIA for someone who still has to do this….
“he was committing to deciding if I’m the one this year and that he is working through knowing when the person you’re with is the person to spend your life with.”
….is a giant, insane, unquestionable red flag.
Brontosaurus
I got so stuck on that sentence too. “Committing to deciding” and “working through knowing” are so wishy-washy.
When he envisions his future, are you there or not? That’s the question.
Anonymous
Indian-American here – you sound . . . naive. No he isn’t moving you to India for 2-3 years. He is rich rich in India and rich guys in India who are used to their servants and drivers do not want to make a living in the US because even the wealthy here don’t have cheap labor to meet every need. So yeah you’ll get to India and be told he isn’t going back to the US, decision made.
And girlfriend he’s been with you for 1.5 years and STILL needs another year or more to decide if he wants to marry you and in the mean time is taking you back to India as his GIRLFRIEND, not his WIFE?? LOL. This is code for my family doesn’t really want me to marry you, but I’m enjoying having someone to garden with. So come back to India with me, my parents will arrange a marriage for me there, and you’ll be summarily dumped.
Or if he somehow stands up to mommy and daddy and older brothers and sisters – HUGE IF for most Indian man babies, you will be his white wife living in India for the rest of your life. He ain’t leaving in two years. And you’re living where btw – does he want a joint family set up with his parents? I realize if he’s rich they may have a big home, but realize you are then living with your MIL.
Girl run. You’re in your 20s. Let some Indian girl from India deal with this.
Anon
I love the bluntness of this.
Been there
I’m older than year but I am a white woman who was dating an Indian guy born in the U.S. who kept telling me wanted to get married eventually. Like you, I was head over heels for him and sure he was the one. When he told me after 4 years he still needed more time, I wised up and let him go. Once the attachment chemical cocktail disappeared from my brain, I realized this was a blessing. I realized that his mother would be calling the shots and that’s not the kind of marriage I want. I would not move to India without a ring on your finger. You are making all the sacrifices here and that is setting the tone of your future. I agree with the comment about Indian man babies comment.
Been there
Also this “He seems really sure about me, but I also know that he is a cerebral person and doesn’t necessarily feel love as intensely as I do (i.e., he moreso analyzes a person or relationship to determine that it’s the right fit, more based on logic than on intense feelings or bonding). He told me that he was committing to deciding if I’m the one this year and that he is working through knowing when the person you’re with is the person to spend your life with” sounds like he has avoidant attachment. Read up on attachment theory. Figure out if you are up for this.
Anon
It’s my belief that guys who say this kind of thing actually mean they’re just not ready to commit to YOU. When the right woman (for them) comes along, there’s no more “analyzing.”
Anon
He’s not avoidant. He just doesn’t want to marry the OP and is stringing her along with nonsense. OP, I know you think you love this guy and he’s the one but your post is a parade of red flags. Dump this guy while you’re young and go meet your actual person.
Anon
100%
Anon
This. My best friend is Indian American and wanted to marry an Indian American guy for the shared cultural background but she ran like a bat out of h3ll from any guy who wanted to move back to India. There’s a reason he wants to move to India — you will be much more under the control of his parents there. And likely he will bring you there, have fun for a year or two and then marry an Indian woman his parents approve of.
smurf
there is 0% chance he’s going to move back to the U.S. Are you ok with living there the rest of your life?
I would not move internationally for someone who isn’t sure about me. Why is there a rush to move there?
This completely reads like someone who will string you along until he decides to settle down & proposes to someone else a few months later. Play ‘so long, london’ on repeat!! “I’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free”
if you are totally fine with the thought of moving, living there a few years and it NOT working out – sure, go for it. If you want to settle down/have kids, etc. – cut your losses now.
Anonymous
Cut your losses NOW
Anon
How old is he? Quite a bit older than you, amirite?
And you are going to live with his parents in India, yes? Or he hasn’t admitted that to you yet…
This fantasy will not play out as you hope. The moving back to India for 2-3yrs is … not likely.
Anon
Forget India. Why are you with someone who needs another year to decide whether you’re “the one” when you already live with him and have been together for 1.5 years already.
You’re never going to be the one. Get out while you can.
Anon
At the end of the day, you know your situation better than a bunch of internet strangers but girl, this is giving major red flags.
Even if he really does intend to move back in 2-3 years and even if he and his family really have no problem with him marrying a white girl etc, the way you describe this situation makes it sound like your move to India is some sort of test he is putting you and your relationship through to see if you check enough boxes for him to finally choose to commit to marriage. That is no good. You do you, but I would not uproot my life and career for someone who is taking a year to decide if he even wants to be with me long term. Also consider that if you do move and things go sideways, you are fully on his turf, surrounded by his family and friends, with no local support system or your own.
Anonymous
+1
Run! Now!
Anon
Where I’m coming from: I could have asked a similar question in my 20s; since then, I’ve been married and divorced twice – so some benefit of hindsight.
1. “It feels like a necessary step to make the relationship continue” jumped out at me. Regardless of move to India (or anywhere else), how do you feel about your relative level of investment in the relationship continuing?
2. Consider that getting married is not the happy ending of the story, but the beginning of a potentially long period where there’s less excitement, and more room for all the bumps of life to show up. You have enough information after 1.5 years to have a sense what that might be like with your BF, before even adding a move to another country, one he may or may not want to return from. OK, now add the part about the move back into the equation. What is your gut saying?
3. As for whether moving would be a wonderful adventure — I second the other commenter who asked how you would feel about moving to India to spearhead your company’s expansion, absent your BF. Not how it looks to us internet strangers, but how it feels *to you.* If you feel excited about that, you learned something about yourself, that you can pursue independent of whether you and your BF end up together. Meaning, you can go to India for your own career reasons, have a blast, and return to the US posed for a promotion , with or without BF in tow. While there, absolutely don’t agree to live with his family, or on any other terms that don’t work for you, and don’t get married without a prenup you have been assured will hold up both in India and the US. Or you could go to a totally different country and be an expat and have many wonderful adventures, now that you know that is appealing. But if you get more of a sinking feeling from the idea of being an expat in India for career reasons, go back to 1 & 2 above…
Enjoy your 20s! If there’s a time to look for potential adventure in any form, that’s probably it. Men may come and go, jobs may come and go, but the trajectory you set now will open some possibilities and foreclose others.
Anon
I think others have covered the severe red flags here well. I agree with them. I want to add that as someone who has struggled with this, you can’t always feel your way into a decision when you’re in love with someone you know is wrong for you. You just have to do it. If deep down, you know, don’t wait for it to feel right to leave. You’re not going to fall out of love until it’s over. I just couldn’t bear to do it—and while I’m much happier now in a wonderful relationship, I wish I could get those years of my twenties/early thirties back. There are other men and relationships or there—men who will be thrilled to commit to you and who will make sure you know it— even if you can’t imagine it now.
Anonymous
So sorry to have to say this but when a man wants to marry you they know. Full stop. They go all in. This guy “committing to decide “ after analysis is a no. Please do not uproot your life because you love him. He doesn’t feel the same. You deserve a man you adores you. You are worth more than this.
Anon
Agree. When you know, you know. If it’s not a yes now, it’s a no.
Anon but been there
Everyone has assumed you are white, and I don’t think you said that. If you’re from the same social group (Brahmin?) as your boyfriend, what does your mother think of this? Has your mother met him and his parents?
Aside from that, your post makes it seem that you could benefit from taking time away from dating to work on self esteem. You are worth more than being someone’s option. This person, who hasn’t committed to you, seems to make you feel that you are not as worthy of him. That is not true, so for that reason please take a break from this relationship. Let him go to India for 2-3 years and he can think about whether he’s going to move back to the US for you.
Anon
I’m pretty sure she mentioned being white in the previous post.
AIMS
You don’t move to another continent for someone who hasn’t committed to you being the one. I don’t think that’s at all controversial to say to someone.
Anecdata
This isn’t what you asked but I want to point out that you are Crushing It. You sound like you have competence and courage coming out of your ears – you’re willing to take on introducing your company in a new country and your reputation is so strong that your company was like “yeah, take a crack at it’! AND you started lining up potential meetings like right away, on a short check-it-out trip – you are already getting stuff DONE! So if there is any chance this guy has gotten in your head and you’re thinking it’s like him or nothing, or you’re not worth a commitment or anything like that, please please tell that voice to shut up.
Anon
Wow, I love this comment, and I hope OP sees it. OP, whatever you do about this relationship and decision, this stranger fully co-signs this other stranger’s hyping you up. You sound awesome, and I hope you know you deserve someone who is so, so, so into you.
Anonymous
This might be my most favorite comment ever on this site, and I’ve been reading since 2009. OP, please take this comment to heart!!
Anonymous
Lol. Girl, you’re being set up massively. BF is keeping you on as the white kept woman with no marital or legal rights while his parents negotiate with a rich family to send across a bride with a massive multimillion dollar dowry. Do not underestimate how prevalent dowry is and he and his family is definitely not giving that up. Bigamy and polygamy is very common and tolerated given it’s only a crime if the original wife complains. Which she won’t given divorce is taboo and crimes reported by women are systematically ignored.
(I am Indian and anyone accusing me of stereotyping can f right off into their blind bubble)
Plus you haven’t even realised you can’t even migrate to India on a partner visa (only legal spouses can migrate). Hence why you were talked into moving across on your employment visa.
Anon
I think this boils down to break up with him already! I’m sorry but what are you doing? You’re just wasting your time. There is no good outcome for you if you stay with him. He is essentially telling you to break up with him. He’s moving back to India and still unsure about you! Break up. Mourn the relationship and start dating again after the new year.
Anon
I am Indian and wouldn’t move if not married. I’m going to assume his family is fine with you, not all Indians hate the idea of a white DIL. The red flag is that he is not yet committed. Why is that? Have you given him a deadline?
Walnut
Reposting from the Mom’s site:
Searching past threadjacks is failing me! Does anyone have a hotel recommendation for a family of five in London? Preference is not to have two rooms unless they are guaranteed to connect. Happy to pay $$$ for a great location and great room.
Anon
I’ve used One Fine Stay before at someone else’s recommendation and we loved it. Tons of apartments, very easy to filter by area and your number of beds/baths needed. The fridge fill and concierge service was great as was being able to pay 1/2 day’s rent to check in right after arrival (early AM, I think 10?) after an overnight flight. Highly, highly recommend.
Anon
+1 to all of the above, I use them every time in London
Sunflower
I recently used One Fine Stay in London and just want to note that the option to check in early isn’t available if the immediately prior guest is checking out that morning. We couldn’t check in until 4:00 p.m.
Anon
The Savoy really is all it’s cracked up to be. Strong recommend.
Anon
Yes, St. Ermins (in Westminster) has family rooms (2 king beds, 2 bathrooms, and a daybed) and is wonderfully kid friendly. We stayed there last year with our then 8 and 11 year old and they had a ball zipping around the hotel doing a historical scavenger hunt while we sipped gin and tonics in the bar. Can’t recommend highly enough!
DB Cooper
Second to St. Ermin’s, it was lovely! Great location and very roomy compared to most in the area.
Pasadena, CA Question
Question – how safe is Old Town Pasadena? Ok to walk around at night or is this not advisable?
Anon
How late are you planning on staying out? It’s very family friendly now, and in the evenings the sidewalks are thronged with people. There are only two or three dive bars left; everything else is a restaurant or bistro or Bar. I think most places close around 11.
Pompom
Paging Senior Attorney!
Senior Attorney
It’s perfectly safe although as noted above, it doesn’t stay open all that late.
Seventh Sister
Very safe. If you’re skittish about big parking lots (I’m not generally speaking) you can use valet or park in a street-level lot. Lots of people out and about, shopping and eating. Walking back to your car from dinner after 9? Totally fine. Wandering around not-sober at 3am? Not the best idea but probably also fine.
anoncat
Our friends recently got engaged. The woman surprised her fiance with an ask for a bride price. This request is ultimately coming from her parents, but she passed it along and quoted a range of $50-100k USD (!). His understanding is that some of this money will round trip back to the couple, but they have not discussed how much or even what form it will take (it sounds like gold is one of the options??).
For context, this is a Chinese tradition that is practiced regionally. My husband and I are 2nd gen Chinese and have never heard of anyone doing this. Even if I had gotten this request from my parents, I personally would have nixed it. Our parents (and the fiance’s parents) have commented that this is an outdated practice that is either only done in rural/poor regions, OR it’s symbolic and involves much smaller amounts (e.g., you pay a bride price of $10k and the bride’s family contributes $9k toward a down payment). His parents are, understandably, not thrilled. We’re not going to get involved beyond providing feedback to the fiance that we didn’t do this when we got married, but I was so astounded by this story that I had to ask the hive if anyone here has heard of or done anything similar.
Anon
I haven’t heard of anything similar happening among 2nd gen immigrants, but I do know it can be very hard to confront parents when they are attached to cultural traditions.
Dowries are linked to increased rates of domestic vio lence and misogyny, but bride-prices aren’t, so I wouldn’t find this problematic the way I would a request for a dowry. I guess it depends on whether the fiance wants to and how much money that is to him. Personally, I would worry it’s a difference in values (either because his partner is a lot more culturally conservative, or because she may like the idea of her partner giving her parents a substantial sum of money). I’d tread carefully if I were him.
Anon
What year is this??
anon
I’m floored. I’m first generation Chinese (born in China, raised US, most relatives still in China) and don’t know anyone doing this.
Anonymous
Same here. This is an absurd ask, it’s not a thing in “regions” of China lol.
i think something else fishy is going on here.
Anon
One of my friends moved here from China in her 30s and she said this is nuts and she’s never heard of anyone doing this.
Anon
Is this like a dowry where the money is set aside in her name for her use later on? I’ve never heard of this (white) but that’s almost the only context I can see this making sense.
anoncat
No, I think this is going directly to her parents. The traditional origins are probably something like the woman leaves her family to join the husband’s family, take care of his parents, etc., so her parents are getting compensated for the investment they made in her and the loss of this family member. Obviously things don’t work this way today.
Anon
Yeah today the wife somehow ends up caretaking for her parents and her in-laws both!
Anon
I’m surprised that he didn’t counter by demanding that she come with a dowery.
anoncat
OP here. Ha, we said the same thing. Our Korean friend said that Korea used to have a tradition where the groom and his family would buy the couple a house, and the bride’s side would give cash and expensive gifts to the groom’s family, but this has fallen out of practice. I’m not aware of a Chinese equivalent of a dowry concept.
Anonymous
I’m Muslim and it’s still done in Muslim culture but as you say nowadays it is largely symbolic. I can’t say if every single Muslim couple does it, but many do because our parents freak out otherwise – they say the marriage isn’t official etc though religiously IDK if that’s accurate. In Muslims though it isn’t given from the groom to the bride’s parents – which is how I’m reading your post. It is given from the groom to the bride herself. Used to be so that in case of something happening to the husband upon marriage or if she needed to divorce and run away, she’d have something of her own – in the olden days when women didn’t earn.
So these days I’ve heard the amounts range from 5k to 25k in the US – most grooms doing something like 10k. Because it is so symbolic reality is groom gives it to the bride, and then after the marriage the bride will kick in that amount to the honeymoon. Or when it’s time to buy a house, she’ll throw in that extra 10k. Or when it’s time to buy furniture she’ll be like I’m going to use MY bride money for our living room furniture. I mean she isn’t required to do any of this because it is HER money, not OUR money but couples in the US totally do that because it’s just a symbolic thing.
anoncat
OP here. To me, the Western equivalent of that is the engagement ring. And there already was a decently priced engagement ring in this case. The bride price is on top of/separate from that, and goes directly to the parents.
Anonymous
Why can’t he ask questions of the bride to be and to her parents? I mean why not say – in my family we don’t do this, where is this coming from, is this money for you or your parents, what will happen to it? I assume these people are boyfriend and girlfriend, not arranged – does he not have the comfort level to be straight out about this? Does he feel like she won’t marry him if he were to say no?
As the example given above regarding Muslim couples, I think there is a huge difference between giving 5 or 10k because it’s part of the tradition and there are elders worried about the wedding customs but everyone agrees its largely symbolic money to be used by the couple however they want post wedding versus giving 100k to renovate her parents’ home or something.
anoncat
OP here. I assume there has been some back and forth, and he’s not sharing all the details with us. But we definitely got the sense that there was an attitude of “don’t worry about it, some of this will come back to you in the form of gold as a wedding gift.” Which sounds like jewelry for his fiancee, and not something that’s going to be of any use to him.
Anon
I’m going to focus on a different issue here: it wasn’t until after they got engaged that she asked him to pony up six figures. He hasn’t heard of it until engagement? Furthermore, this is coming from her family? Those are two bad signs.
If I were giving up advice, I would tell him to end the engagement.
Sure he can counter with $25k. He can have her sign a prenup such that the money is functionally a loan from him to her family if the couple divorces. But… the first he heard of this was after the ring? Regardless of the merits: my man, you need to run fast.
anoncat
OP here–agreed, husband and I were saying that if this was expected, she should have been laying the groundwork years ago instead of dropping it on him like this. He even asked her parents for permission to propose to her, and this was not raised at the time.
anon
Did she know her parents were going to make this request?
anoncat
She has explained that it’s a common practice in the region her family is from, and is important for saving face, so I would imagine she had some idea. The saving face thing is weird–I guess these parents are all bragging to each other about how much $$ their daughters fetched?
Anon
Whoa, that does make it more like “weird dynamic” and less like “quaint cultural tradition” to my mind. If it’s really that important culturally to her parents that she was willing to convey it to him, why is it coming as a suprise after the engagement? From all the other comments from Chinese commenters it sounds like this is not common enough for her family to have assumed he would know this.
Anonymous
Maybe this is just me but the bigger question this would open up for me if I were the boyfriend – just how involved are her parents going to be in our lives? If they believe in 100k bride prices, what else do they believe in? Will the daughter ever be able to tell them no this is not how WE are going to do this, I don’t care what custom requires? I mean I have East Asian friends who’ve told me their MILs were all over them because the house the couple bought didn’t have the right feng shui and didn’t face in the appropriate direction – so of course any setback in life was automatically blamed on the house. Miscarried – feng shui. Didn’t have a son – feng shui. Lost your job in a recession – feng shui. But at least these couples were on the same page that their inlaws would not run their lives. They were quick to let MIL know that this is what you could get in LA for 2 million and should she like to throw in another million, they’d be happy to buy the house on the other street facing the other way.
Been there
Yikes!
Anon
Yea I would need my in laws to essentially know their place and my partner to enforce those boundaries. There are so many things in this situation that are off putting to me. It feels like she is cattle and has to essentially buy her. Is she going to be a stay at home wife and get nothing if they divorce? This is so outdated I wouldn’t want to marry someone who demanded something like this in addition to this not being brought up earlier. Can he just write a check for $100L!!! If I were the man in this circumstance, I’d refuse to pay this bride price and if the woman chooses to end the relationship, so be it. Saved $50-$100K right there.
Anon
+💯
Anon
Completely agree. I mentioned this in passing in my comment above; you absolutely nailed it. It’s a big red flag that the in-laws are this controlling and running the show.
anon
Assuming that someone has $50-100k for a bride price is really something.
IDK, I would hope my friend would run far, far away from that situation.
Anon
Our friend is from the Congo but raised in Canada. She is marrying a non-Congolese man. It caused a huge rift with her parents because she refused to ask for a dowry from his parents. They are currently not attending the wedding- we’ll see if they change their mind
Runcible
Are the parents aware that they would owe federal income tax on receiving such a large amount of money? This seems like a drastic change in circumstances, and on the assumption he does not hae $50,000 – $100,000 lying around to give to her parents with some promised unspecified future kickback, he ought to decline the invitation from the parents of the bride to be to contribute to parental welfare and then see what happens — either she defies her parents’ unreasonable expectations or she walks away (and he dodges a bullet, as they say). Bottom line, if he is unwilling, and she breaks off the engagement, his parents can comfort themselves with the notion that he is not a suitable marriage prospect for their daughter. This is such a weird development.
Anon
Yes, my dad had to pay a symbolic bride price to my maternal grandmother (widowed) when he married my mom, nearly 40 years ago. Both sides of the family are of Taiwanese and Fujianese descent. They were all living in the US at that point, but I guess they wanted to hold to the old customs. My mom was still pissed about how little my dad “paid”, something like $15k, when she told me the story about ten years ago, so about 30 years into her marriage. Anyway, my grandmother returned the money as a wedding gift to the couple. It was not an arranged marriage in any sort of way, my mom is just a very bitter woman. My mom even had the gall to say to me at the time that if I ever got married she expected my to-be husband to front up $50K to her, I was so stunned and horrified I couldn’t reply.
No, I don’t know why my parents are still married and that’s a can of worms I don’t want to ever open.
Anon
It’s almost like patriarchy does permanent damage to women. I’m not going to tell you how you should feel about having a bitter mother; I’m just going to say that I, a normally rather mellow and even sunny person, would be beyond bitter if I grew up that way.
Anon
Never heard of this with my Chinese friends who live in China.
Anon
Would you to a doctor for this? My left eye has been twitching on and off since late June. I had an IVF transfer then and was using progesterone pessaries, which I thought caused it. But that FET wasn’t successful and I was only on progesterone for about 10 days and it’s still happening frequently. When I Google this every website says “this is rarely a big deal but also see a doctor if it continues for a long time” and I can’t tell if that’s just a standard disclaimer or if I should start to get worried at some point.
anon
I would not and haven’t. I started having eye twitches when I started getting more fatigued and they happen more when I’m stressed.
Anon
Fatigue, stress, dehydration, and Bell’s Palsy will all cause eye twitches. Meditate, sleep, drink a huge amount of water and electrolytes, and see if that helps.
Anon
When one of my kids was a teen, she had an eye twitch for months. When we eliminated something that had been stressing her (to a degree that we had no clue about), it disappeared overnight, literally, and never returned. If IVF or TTC is causing stress, and how could it not be, I’d put it down to that.
anon
Go to your eye doc, if nothing else to give you one less thing to stress about. They will likely tell you its fine.
CK
I get eye twitches from time to time because of stress or lack of sleep. I neuroscientist I follow shared that magnesium can help with this and it’s better adsorbed through the skin. I’ve started using a magnesium spray at night to help with sleep and the twitching has yet to come back.
Anon
I used to get this all the time, but haven’t had it since I started treating my chronically dry eyes. I use Rx Restasis.
Anon
I swear my eye waits until I am a month in on being well rested, nicely hydrated, exercising regularly, and eating my daily banana to start twerking.
Paging: German Christmas markets
I missed this morning’s thread, but I saw no one mentioned Cologne, and I loved their markets! I went to a whole bunch of markets across Europe and Cologne felt the most traditional.
Another recommendation would be the markets in Vienna, which tended to have more handmade stuff than most, particularly the market at Schönbrunn Palace. They were less atmospheric though IMO.
Anon
Lots of people mentioned Cologne. They spelled it the German way, Köln.
Snoozy
A few of us did mention Cologne (Köln), and I agree it’s a great city for Christmas markets.
And, relatedly, @Seafinch – I posted a reply to the other thread.
Anon
Vienna’s coffee house culture is fantastic for that time of year as well.
Anon
4711!