ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Katy Top

A woman wearing a black top and black pants with snake skin doll shoes

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Pari Passu was on our list of favorite brands for plus-sized workwear, and they never disappoint. This ponte top has a slightly boxy shape that still manages to look sleek, and the ponte fabric has 5% spandex for just the right amount of stretch.

Since it hits right at the hip, I would pair this with some high-waisted trousers for a fabulous business casual look.

The top is $228 at Saks and Nordstrom and comes in sizes 12-24. It’s also available in espresso. 

Hunting for high end brands that carry plus sizes? Some of our favorites for workwear include Marina Rinaldi, Vince, Lafayette 148 New York, Veronica Beard, Nic & Zoe, Tanya Taylor, Harshman, Karen Millen, Minnie Rose cashmere, Sachin & Babi, BAACAL, and Amour 781.

Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):

328 Comments

  1. I have no one IRL to share this with and just want to celebrate for a minute.

    I’m in my mid-40s and have never had a credit card until a year ago. I don’t have a very high income compared to many on this board but live rather frugally and am comfortable with that. I paid off my one small student loan about 8 years ago and have a mortgage that is 5 years from being paid off. I realized that my credit file is thin so my goal of moving (and getting a new mortgage) at some point in the next several years is going to be challenging without much of an active credit history. A little over a year ago, I got my first credit card, which came with a whopping $500 limit. I used it, requested (and received) limit increases every 3 months and also applied for (and received) another card every 6 months. Now I have three cards with a total limit of $17,000. Since travel is not really my jam I aimed for rewards cards in the categories I use most, which is a nice little bonus every month. Feels like I finally figured out this part of growing up.

    1. For people who don’t want a travel card, I highly recommend the Fidelity visa. It’s 2% cash back on all categories, but you can deposit your cash back into an investment account (including a Roth IRA). It’s such an “easy” way to add to those accounts; it’s not like I miss the cash back – it’s essentially free money to drop into investments. You can also redeem it as cash back or rewards points, but I prefer to sock it away in investments.

      I do have a travel card too, so I use that for categories where I get 3% and I use the Fidelity card everywhere else.

      1. Fidelity and Costco have been my cards over the years. I did like you, OP, and used my debit card for everything. Now it all goes on thr Costco visa and I pay it off each month. Sucks that the powers that be try so hard to force debt on us. I look at paying in full every month (and not spending on things I don’t need) as one tiny way of sticking it to the man.

      3. Another long time happy customer of the Fidelity visa. Zero mental effort and rewards auto deposit.

    4. Well done. You are doing so great!

      I encourage you now to start listening to podcasts about investing, as you will soon have your mortgage paid off so hopefully you will be shoveling more money into your retirement accounts. You are not that far off!

      I read the Bogleheads boards and listen to Her Money with Jean Chatzky occasionally. One good book that my financial advisor recommended is How to Retire by Christine Benz.

  2. Recommendations for a black backpack for work? I recently started a new job and need to carry my laptop home with me. Budget of about $200 (though happy with less!). Professional looking, and not too huge (but big enough for a laptop).

      1. I have their Transit backpack and love it. Perfect number of compartments plus a slot to put it on the handle of luggage while traveling. I’ve used it for conferences, travel, and as a diaper bag. Mine is four years old and looks brand new (and you can toss it in the washing machine).

      2. I also have this backpack and love it. Got it on sale in navy last year and it’s a total workhorse. 10/10.

    7. If you want to save, I’ve been quite happy with my Hershel backpack. It’s streamlined (no exterior water bottle pocket) and fits standard sized laptops and binders.

    11. Cole Haan has a great black scuba backpack. You can get it for under $100 if you catch on sale

  3. To yesterday’s poster, who was feeling unhappy and unfulfilled, despite an objectively good life (especially compared to friends who were struggling) – this popped on my social media feed last night and made me think of you. It is a retreat center that is hosting a variety of retreats designed for women, being held in February in Wisconsin (yes brace yourself for the cold). I saw several that might appeal to you. Find the link here: https://www.wildriceretreat.com/retreats-wisconsin and best of luck to you.

    2. This is really thoughtful of you. I’m not the OP of that thread, but thanks for your thoughtfulness.

  4. How much of your life is something that has happened to you and how much is something that you’ve intentionally created for yourself?

    I like to do a lot of year-end reflecting and, of course, in some ways I look at my life and have to pinch myself that this is really my life – dream job that I love as much as I thought I would, finally feeling financially stable, amazing friends that bring both a great social life and support system, living near family who I enjoy seeing regularly, hobbies I”m committed to and enjoy. And, then other things in my life that I really thought would be “better” by now – single, weight problems, ability to travel, things that would be helped with more money (nicer apartment, some overall meaningless material things that I want).

    I’m always open to spontaneity and the universe working in its own way, but I’m also aware that our lives are primarily what we make happen (or at least, to get the things we want we have to make them happen, rather than let life happen to us). I’m very much not a settler and if something is in my power to fix, I try to fix; but I also recognize that I can’t control things that rely upon other people.

    1. I like to think I’ve generally been a kind, decent and responsible person, but my major life happiness, especially finding a wonderful partner to marry and raise children with, is pretty much all luck. My personal opinion is that it’s easy for bad choices to derail what could have been good life, but hard for good choices to create a great life when luck isn’t on your side.

      1. This. For me, also, I think that my good choices have prevented the whole house of cards from toppling down when life got hard. And, they’ve set the stage so that luck could allow the best things, but, can’t force good things to happen. For example, the fact I had studied hard and gotten a decent job, was financially responsible, and had invested in friendships, and meant that when my first husband became abusive I could get out and land on my feet very quickly. On the other side of the coin, the very best things in my life – my (current) husband and children, required luck as well as my choices. I chose to invest in friendships and hobbies, which allowed me to be at the right place at the right time to meet my wonderful husband. But, a lot of luck as involved in that, as well. For another example, I have always focused on my health, and did all the things in the book “It starts with the Egg”, which helped the miracle of my two children being conceived after 41, but, minor miracles still required:-) I have noticed that the lucky things that have happened in my life usually happen when I feel like I’m most “me” – when I’m in my groove, doing things that are me at my best. So now I just try to nudge myself into that space as often as possible.

      2. “it’s easy for bad choices to derail what could have been good life, but hard for good choices to create a great life when luck isn’t on your side”. I think this is very, very true. Especially as someone who for the last years has had really terrible luck in a core area of life happiness – romantic relationships. But I want to add to this (and also encourage myself) that part of luck is being there to receive it, so applying for jobs, meeting people, intentionally crafting your skillset, taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally helps you be ‘ready’ when luck arrives.

        1. This. You need to make good choices so when the great opportunities come, you’re positioned to take them.

    2. Part luck (I was born to loving, stable, financially comfortable parents and inherited smarts from them), part choice (of spouse, career, where to establish our family, etc).

      1. I push back a bit on spouse being choice – yes you chose to not marry a bad fit (and I think a lot of people choose a spouse poorly), but it takes two to tango and you didn’t really have a choice on your husband loving you/wanting to marry you

        1. You can’t make a choice about how someone else feels, but you can make the choice to be in a romantic relationship where you feel loved in return (excepting certain situations of course!)

          1. Exactly this. Far too many women compromise and marry whoever will marry them. You have an active choice in who you marry. You also make active choices to date and be out there so you can get married. Yes, there’s luck involved but it still takes effort. So does creating a loving environment so you can stay married. So many people think life just happens to them regardless of what they do and that’s such a fallacy. Everyone has agency and the ability to make a better one.

          1. Ugh. Yes, you have 50% control over who your spouse is. BUT you still need someone to reciprocate that.

        3. Yeah, it’s certainly a choice not to marry the wrong guy, but it’s really really hard to find someone amazing. I didn’t appreciate this in my 20s but now I’m almost 40 and see how many friends are married to men who turned out to be disappointing at best as husbands and fathers. It’s really hard to find someone who will be a great partner and parent that you also connect with on a friend and romantic level, and while I made the good choice to marry my husband, I consider it 95% luck that he was there.

        4. I see where you are coming from, and there’s absolutely an element of “right place right time” luck. But, you can also make choices that help you be open to meeting a spouse and prioritizing it early in life (vs wanting to date around, establish career, hope marriage works out eventually, etc). I met my husband when I was in college, we got married on the early side, and tbh I was not head-over-heels but he is a good person with shared values and a true partner in every way. We have been married 12 years (together for 17) and it was definitely the right choice. We prioritize our family above all else, and accept that takes sacrifices for us as individuals.

          I am the first to admit a lot of stars had to align! But also, marriage and becoming a mother was SO important to me that I “prepared” for it in a way to set me up for success. There was a moment when I considered breaking it off and living it up (I was young and in NYC) but I chose to stay committed. I don’t think I “settled”, I think I valued a core compatibility and a stable life over lots of other things.

          1. The point is, someone good came into your life and you were smart enough to choose them. I would have been glad to choose past partners, but they did not choose me. A lot of this is out of your control.

        5. It’s both luck and not luck.

          You can be the best possible version of yourself, someone that the man you would want, wants to be with. You can meet people. You can work on having good radar.

          But sometimes, you just don’t meet the right person.

          Sometimes, your family of origin is so effed up that a bad decision is almost inevitable. (I could write a book on this.)

          Sometimes, everyone thinks he’s great, until he’s not. I lost friends when I struggled in my marriage; they said I needed mental help for being distressed. Over and over, the message I got was that I found a “good man” and obviously, the problem was me.

          One person met him and immediately said to a mutual friend, “that man is a sociopath.” Exactly one person ever knew that I choose poorly.

          (We are getting divorced now, and I would crawl over broken glass to help that one person who said that the man I married is a massive POS.)

          So what’s luck and what’s choice there?

          1. My sister married someone who seemed great until he wasn’t. He did a masterful job of showing his good side to the world, all of us included. I tend to have a pretty fine-tuned BS radar, and I STILL have been floored by what a terrible partner and person he proved to be. I don’t use the term narcissist lightly, but even her therapist says all the signs are there. He hid it for literally years.

            She blames herself for picking poorly and not seeing the signs. I personally think she had incredibly bad luck, because the rest of us didn’t see it, either, until it was too obvious to ignore. Unfortunately, he’s going to be part of her life forever because they have kids together.

          2. As someone who has made poor relationship decisions myself, the choice is overlooking the signs and getting married anyway. It’s not a crime, it’s human, it’s completely understandable, many of us do it. It’s still a choice.

          3. There aren’t always signs though. Sometimes the worst men put the most effort into making sure that they only display green flags.

          4. Anonymous at 11:15 am, thank you for sharing that with me. I’m so sorry for your sister, because it’s a terrible situation to be in.

            It makes people feel warm and fuzzy to believe that they would have seen the signs; the reality is that I have an outstanding bs detector, I have friends who have outstanding bs detectors, and the man still slipped past all the radar.

          1. +1. I am so incredibly thankful that I was wise enough to marry DH. I met him when I was in college, and we settled down at a younger age than I’d envisioned. We even broke up for a short time because I was so freaked out about the idea of marrying in my early- to mid-20s. But man, I am so, so glad every day that I chose him. We just work as a couple and he’s been an incredible partner for more than 20 years in all the ways that matter.

            Meeting him, and meeting him young, was luck. But everything we’ve built since then has been a choice and a decision to put our relationship first.

          2. Yes THIS. And a corollary: love is an action, not a feeling. Pay attention to how your treat each other, not how many fireworks you see. And then keep acting in love, which is the hard part.

    3. One thing I’ve been struggling with is how free do I let myself be financially? I’m long term single, so I am somewhat cautious with my finances. I’ve finally built myself up a good safety net and feel comfortable with the amounts I have in retirement, savings, and investments. I’m looking at buying a house in the next 3-5 years, which is something that previously was totally off my radar, I have a 6 mo emergency fund, I have some sinking funds, and I’m on track for retirement. I make good but not amazing money working in government. I’m just starting to feel like I can treat myself, which is awesome. But, I can’t bring myself to treat myself because, of course, the way I got into a good financial place by 30 was by being frugal. So I want a nicer apartment, I want to travel, I want nicer clothes but I can’t bring myself to use money for that – I’ve worked hard to get my savings to where it is but it feels so wasteful to then take out 2k from savings for a trip or something, even though I really love traveling.

    4. I consider my life very much self made, I earned this and the good things I have aren’t because of luck. However I never say that out loud or IRL. People don’t like to hear about struggle or personal responsibility.

      1. Also I take responsibility for the bad things in my life too and some of my health struggles are certainly self inflicted and could have been mitigated if I took better care of myself.

      2. I hear you. I often say of my life that everyone wants the upsides and no one wants the downsides. Neither are minor; I’ve had some amazingly good things and some truly horrific things.

    5. I was recently reflecting on things I love in my life and things I want to fix. One thing is that while I don’t love my apartment, it gets the job done/has enough redeeming qualities and I don’t want the expense of moving so I need to learn to love it. What can I do to make it a better fit for me? It is okay to invest in things for an apartment, even if you won’t be there forever, to make it better for you in the short term. To that effect I bought a countertop dishwasher. I’m renting a parking space for my car one block away.

      Now I’m working on better storage solutions and being better at keeping my apartment tidy (hard with my ADHD) and throwing some money and a lot of effort at that.

      People are sometimes afraid of investing in an apartment because it is temporary, but a) I’ve been here for 3 years and b) even if its shorter term than that, its still every day of your life for a year. It’s worth it to make it comfortable. Sure, maybe my next apartment has a dishwasher and I wasted money on the countertop one, but at least for now I have a dishwasher and I’m not doing it all by hand.

      1. Good for you! They seem like small things, but they’re not. It is worth making a few tweaks to improve your everyday quality of life.

    6. It’s a mix. It’s luck, but luck based on good decisions (keeping my nose clean and my grades up, smart choice of spouse, well timed family planning, etc.). I’ve had bad luck too (mostly health related). I can’t control it, but I can control how I respond to it.

      1. Health issues were the first thing I thought of when “rely on other people” came up (did my doctor order the right tests, is the diagnosis correct, did their office staff submit to insurance correctly to get coverage). There’s a lot of luck in accessing the right care, and also a lot of making things happen, but it’s out of our control that we have to deal with it all to begin with!

        1. I had a major chronic health issue diagnosed in my teens. I was VERY lucky that my parents had good insurance and that it didn’t bankrupt us. I also consider it ‘lucky’ in that I got a great lesson very early in how to advocate for myself with healthcare AND in how vital good benefits are.

      2. +1 to this. I’d say my life is about 70% good decisions, 20% luck based on good decisions, and 10% curve balls thrown by life (health issues mainly). I would say it also helps to be fairly certain about what you want and to pursue those things while (mostly) ignoring what other people think.

        1. So much this: “ 20% luck based on good decisions,…” —I personally think that this is super important- the good/smart decisions can actually LEAD to good luck or what others perceive as good luck! There’s almost always hard work and dedication in the background to bring about all that good luck!

    7. I have had some very lucky circumstances but I didn’t squander them and I work hard and intentionally at making my life what I want it to be. I think a fair amount of luck is necessary but that’s hardly the whole story.

      1. I land here as well. Luck and my choices contributed to every important thing that comes to mind. Met my husband on random chance, and chose to give long distance a try to see where the spark goes. Chose to make a hard pivot with my career some years ago, and was lucky to find a position that utilizes much more of my prior experience than I thought would be possible.
        Luck AND the ability to seize opportunities when they arise, is where it’s at!

    8. I had the good luck of being born in the USA and had educated parents, one of whom was well-equipped to take good care of me.

      I think it’s vanishingly unlikely I’d have such a nice life if I’d been born in a refugee camp, war zone, a very poor country, etc. Even born in the US, but without caring teachers and neighbors, or in a region with worse public education, or without a parent who could take good care of me, I don’t think I’d have it this good.

      I made good choices and worked hard too, which were necessary, but not sufficient, for my good life.

      1. This is where I land. I’ve made some good decisions, but I had the luck to be born in a place and with the brain chemicals/ personality traits to make me resilient and fortunate.

        There are things that happened to me long before I had any control that deeply traumatized me. People without the luck to be born with this combo of factors would have landed in a very different place. I tend to think we have way less control over how we end up than some people on this board believe.

        1. I feel the same way and think of this often, especially as I get older. I’m the last person you’d think would have anything resembling a gratitude practice, but I am genuinely grateful and slightly in awe of the sheer luck I had to be born in the time and place I was born and with an overall constellation of traits that has allowed for (but not guaranteed!) success, and the (overall) guidance to get me there and be resilient to hardships. I am just so grateful.

          1. Yes! Exactly! I was born with a tooth, and if I’d been born at certain times in the world’s history, I would have therefore been left on a mountainside to die!

            The vast majority of human history was horrible for most people. It is remarkable to have been born into this time and not one of those others.

      2. I often think how I hit the jackpot by being born in the US in the late 50s. Yes, it was very hard to be a working woman in my era, but generlly my life has been easier than 99% of people in human history.

    9. Appreciating the miracle of compounded interest early in life. And I mean this broadly: live in a small space and have roommates as long as you can tolerate it because being able to save while you are young is a gift that will last a lifetime. Starting saving at 40 is much harder because it’s not a habit and your runway is shorter. Be very scared about borrowing for any degree (how many people do I know who borrow for a panic master’s or law school where they aren’t working and are racking up debt and then do it again?).

      Also, being a regular blood donor, which has kept me focused on eating healthy enough to pass the iron test regularly and also where I go does cholesterol tests and tells you your BP when you donate, so I have a lot of shapshots of how I’m doing. It doesn’t address the vanity that is creeping weight and middle-aged spread, but that’s just a vanity issue. Stuff like cancer is just such a curve ball, but I try to control what I can.

      And despite wanting a fairy-tale wedding, not marrying so many of the wrong guys just because you have the fever to settle down and just be done with dating. Being with the wrong person is much worse than being single.

    10. For jobs, I spent my 20s in a goldilocks situation – this one was great but that, this one fixed the issue with job #1 but had other issues, etc. I, at age 29, lucked out getting a federal job that is PERFECT for me. As a life-long public sector employee, the federal job was the first one that paid me well enough to support myself. I love the mission. I have good coworkers. The day to day is engaging and challenging. I love the security of a pension and good healthcare (though its pricey). I have quite a few friends still at job #1 and they’re not happy but also not unhappy enough to leave – I think taking the initiative to leave, even if that meant jumping to other not perfect situations, is what led me to my perfect job.

      I am a really good friend, both for the fun stuff and as a support system for the not fun stuff. I’m now at a point, in my 30s, where this has really paid off. It did take some time of investing my time and energy into friendships that we’re right, there were years I was quite lonely, but it has now paid off in spades.

      Ditto financially – there were absolutely some lean years. There were years where I had to be really disciplined and put off doing something I wanted to do to save money. I now have a paid off car, paid off student loans from undergrad, am paying my own way through grad school (quite slowly), I live alone in a 1BR, am “on track” for retirement, and have a decent nest egg. I expect I’ll be able to buy a condo (with a mortgage) OR a car outright by the time I’m 35. Obviously, I still forgo a lot of “wants” to get this, but at least I can see the payoff. And, I’m slowly allowing myself more “wants”.

      Finding a partner still eludes me, but I keep putting myself out there so hopefully my efforts there will pay off soon. In the absence of a partner, I’ve developed a great life (all that I’ve noted above, good adult relationships with my family, fun hobbies and interests that make me an interesting person, I give back to my community). Aside from putting myself out there and being “datable” I can’t control if and when I find someone, which is difficult for me because I’ve been able to “fix” everything else in my life. Trying to accept it and love the life I have…

    11. I used to think my life was mostly self made but wisdom of age teaches you that it’s a lot more luck than you realize. I also think the whole “good things happen to good people” is something we say to comfort ourselves. I’ve been through two life and death health situations that came about through no action or inaction of my own. Yet the reactions from some people on hearing about it (why it couldn’t happen to them, what choices did I make that upped my chances, etc.) are truly gross. You can’t good person your way out of some diagnoses. I’ve also had a fair degree of career success. A lot was hard work but some were the right connections or opportunities at the right time. I also was let go once as part of a restructuring—had nothing to do with my talent, work ethic, etc. Some who stayed weren’t nearly as strong but were cheaper. That was also a real turning point in my life at realizing sometimes you can’t work or will yourself out of things. That said, it ultimately led to better opportunities that probably wouldn’t have been there had I not had a good reputation. I agree with the poster that choice seems stronger on the destruction path than building. I also think people are uncomfortable recognizing how much family wealth opens so many more opportunities. I’ve worked for CEOs that have had the luxury of former substance abuse problems but their schooling and early career success gave them a net to bounce back. I can’t even imagine having the time for such things.

      1. +1. A good life is partly being “self made” and partly luck. I am proud of the good choices I’ve made to keep myself on a solid career path, which has led to financial stability and relative ease. However, other things are just plain luck, like being born to loving parents who gave me a good start in life, which affects the way I move through the world, the people I tend to attract, and how I parent my own children.

        Middle age can, and should, humble us all. For some of my peers, the chickens are coming home to roost, so to speak. Bad financial and career decisions hit a tipping point. But sometimes, a health issue or some other curveball comes out of absolutely nowhere and no, there was nothing to be done to prevent such an outcome. It is incredibly arrogant to think you can control every aspect of your life. You can’t. If you haven’t learned that lesson yet — well, life comes for us all. All you can do is control how you respond.

        The posters on this board tend to believe they have more control than they really do. But as the saying goes, things can be humming along smoothly until some random Tuesday when your world changes forever. For me this year, that was my mom’s diagnosis of a rare, aggressive cancer that has no known cause. The doctors have been VERY clear that this was not preventable. Prior to this, she was seriously one of the healthiest people I knew.

        1. I have a friend from law school that grew up in the prettiest house, attended the fanciest private schools, had the most-doting parents, had the loveliest family vacations. Her childhood bedroom was the stuff of my dreams – Laura Ashley curtains, built-in bookcases. Her family is wealthy but not billionaire-wealthy. She is smart and pretty and fun and accomplished. And you know what? One of her parents died a miserable death, the other has been very ill for years and years, and her siblings have struggled a lot in the past decade. It looks perfect from the outside, but it’s actually really rough for her right now.

          1. Not downplaying her troubles, but that same stuff happens to a lot of people who were not lucky enough to be born with such resources.

          2. But I still stand by you have more opportunities than the person born to nothing in an unsafe neighborhood with little access to good education. You can find exceptions. But money sure makes a lot in life easier. She still has a softer place to land than the person with one ill parent who is trying to keep it altogether for their family with few resources. I think sometimes there is a bias that poor people are poor because they are lazy or deserve it somehow. For example, a huge percentage of personal bankruptcies are due to medical debt—62%—but that’s not the narrative folks want to hear. They would rather attribute it to being just people with lack of discipline around their credit cards. That gets bad when the “self-made, personal accountability” mindset ignores this fact of bad luck factoring in and legislates and sets policies accordingly.

        2. I’ve seen the curveballs come for a lot of people, but some people (mid-40s) still haven’t gotten them.

          No illnesses, no early deaths, good childhoods, their employer didn’t suddenly outsource their entire department, nothing like “previously healthy spouse got into a car accident and ended up addicted to pain killers.” Just… none of that.

          1. Yep! I’ve said several times here that some people truly do live charmed lives and don’t have major or unusual trauma. People will always say that this is incorrect, but I know some people in my life who truly have not experienced hardship, and they would say the same.

    12. I could have written your post, right down to the parts of your life you’re happy about and the parts that you wish were different. I always try to focus on what I can control, which feels like both nothing and everything.

      Until I was nearly 40, I led a charmed life, but I don’t think I even know how to appreciate it. I took so much for granted–health, savings, high-paying jobs that were easy to get. Then a few years ago, I dealt with debilitating health issues, two surgeries, and two layoffs within 18 months. This completely changed my outlook and made me realize just how random life can be and how little we control. Before that, I think on some level (and even though it made no logical sense) I truly believed I was not the kind of person those things happen to. This series of events was a painful reminder that I was just like anyone else and far from immune to the kinds of random losses and struggles that befall most lives.

      But even during those tough times, I did have choices. I chose to focus on what I could control: I journaled so I could reflect on this time later, invested in the people/relationships that really supported me during the hard times, and reminded myself it would not always be this way. I tried to do one or two small things each day that would move me in the direction of a better life, whether it was following up on a health test or reading meaningful literature and really spending time with it (I had a lot more time when I was ill and unemployed). By focusing on what I could control, I was able to reclaim some agency during a time when I felt I had very little.

      Now that time feels like a blip on the radar, but when I was in it, it was all-consuming. What really helped was realizing that a lot of the small choices I made every day contributed to a foundation that made the hard times slightly easier. So I continue to do that today, even though life is in many ways much easier now — I am healthy and I have a job I enjoy. I know now how quickly both of those things can change in spite of everything I do (I was always a top performer at work, but this means nothing when 1/3 of the company is eliminated. I always worked out and ate lots of vegetables, but this won’t prevent other major health issues from occurring).

      At times, it can feel hard to bear the fragility of life, but I also try to remember that things can change for the better very quickly, and unexpectedly, too! Your next great job, partner, friend, or volunteer opportunity could be right around the corner.

    13. I don’t know if this has been said already, but the crux of this question is a key factor in emotional health – the idea of how much power you believe you have in your own life. There have been studies and such that I’m too lazy to google for.

      The only thing that I truly have no control over is my mental health. My brain doesn’t brain. I give thanks every day that I live in the 21st century and can take my handfuls of am and pm pills. (So many pills.) Ditto on being thankful for health insurance. Every single time I see a homeless person I wonder if they could be a few handfuls of pills away from living a stable life – there but for the grace of God go I.

      1. Better living through chemistry. So thankful for the power of an SSRI, which I will probably take for the rest of my life. Wish I’d had it years sooner.

    14. Mostly luck. I’ve worked really hard and made good choices (I honestly can’t think of anything I’d do differently), but where I am today is due to the good luck of having a stable family, a good education, a wonderful husband, and other people who cared about me and the bad luck of having a chronic illness that’s completely changed my life from what I would have wanted it to be. I worked so hard for a couple decades for a career that I loved, only to have to give it up because I eventually got too sick to keep doing it. Luckily I have a husband who has health insurance for both of us, and we were very frugal (we never made the kind of money lots of people here do), so it was reasonable for me to scale back, but I still miss what I used to do. I still try to be as active as I can, but I can’t do a lot of the things I used to do, and it’s not easy to maintain connections with people when you’re living a very different life and it’s hard to do the things you used to do together. I do my best to be happy with the things I can do, and there’s a lot that I am happy with in my life, but there’s a lot that I miss, and the loss of control over that is hard to grapple with. I’m also very well aware how lucky I am with my ability to navigate this- I had the education to eventually figure out my own diagnosis and appropriate treatments (it still took a long time), to deal with doctors and the health care system, enough money to get by (though not enough that it isn’t still a concern), and supportive family. Without that, this could be much, much worse.

    15. I like the phrase “luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” The people who are best off tend to have more of both IME.

    16. I know for a fact that I worked my ass off to get out of the poverty, I was born into. But I also know that I had it better than some kids because my parents were not addicted to drugs and were not abusive. Comparison is the thief of joy anyway so I appreciate what I have, but I don’t see the point of trying to justify whether I deserve or whether I earned what I have right now. I know I worked hard for it.

    17. This was my view (that “our lives are primarily what we make happen”) until I had kids, and then I realized that you’re completely out of control. No daughters, which was what I always saw for myself. Both boys are amazing and sweet and have changed my soul, but my youngest is autistic and unlikely to ever get a job or live apart from us. It’s taken me a long time to wrap my head around things, like I’ll probably never be able to live in a city again or to travel the world like I wanted to with my husband because kid will probably always need some level of babysitting.

      Another thing out of my control: My husband is an only child and my brother hasn’t married/no kids, so my kids are growing up without the big cousin connections I had growing up. I get jealous when I see families doing the big three generation vacations; that will never be us.

    18. I think there is a lot of luck and being-in-the-right-place-at-the-right-time that goes into success. Sure, there are lots of personal qualities to have and decisions to make, but the “totally self-made” stuff is propaganda as old as America.

    19. I think our circumstances are less in our control than we want to believe (particularly for the fortunate), but our attitude is much more in our control than we think. Some of the most resilient and content people I know were dealt bad hands in many ways.

    20. I love this question. I have been very intentional the past five years especially (I am 45) with ensuring my life is intentionally created and is serving me. By and large, it is and has, and I take great pride in that.

      It’s always a trade off though. Right now I am thriving at a high profile job, bought my own condo as a single woman and have a strong family and group of friends and passions.

      But I’m nearly two years from a hard breakup with very little interest in dating other men still, and recently thought a pet adoption would help (it did not! The opposite!). It’s a journey. But that’s the point.

    21. The big turning point in my life, which I did all by myself, was leaving my marriage almost 12 years ago. I was miserably unhappy and being brave enough to leave just changed everything. It was super scary, but I’m now married to an amazing man and living a life I wouldn’t have even dared to dream of. Meeting the wonderful man was mostly luck but even if I hadn’t met him, I’d still be way happier than if I’d stayed.

      Financially, I made a ton of bad decisions when I was young but I got my act together when I was 40 and really knuckled down to get out of huge debt. Then it was a lot of luck to get into a government job a few years later, which set me up for a nice pension and also good retirement savings on top of that.

      My career was largely fulfilling even though the top prize eluded me for reasons that were outside my control. I did my best to bloom where I was planted and looking back I have few regrets. When the career stalled I broadened my horizens and found meaningful community work that continues to this day.

      I’ve been lucky with my health so far but I also took dramatic steps to address a lifelong weight issue and I’m really happy I did that. (I don’t care about anybody else’s weight but for me it was a lifelong psychological issue and I’m just happy to largely have it in the rearview mirror at this point.)

      My family life hasn’t been what I’d hoped (my daughter still struggles from time to time, no grandchildren in the picture and probably none in the future; my relationship with my parents was extremely difficult and elder care was a nighmare; estranged from my younger brother) but I have a lovely family of choice with good friends, and good relationships with one brother/sister-in-law and my first husband’s sister, so I’ll take it and be thankful.

      All in all I’m in “pinch myself” mode most of the time in my mid-60s, so I’m calling it a win. Proud of my part in it and grateful for the parts that were good fortune.

        1. Thanks for your thoughts as always Senior Attorney. Did I miss something though? I thought you just had 1 son, didn’t realize you had a daughter too.

  5. Is there anything like Al-anon for people with other addictions? My broker has had alcohol problems his whole life but now it’s pills. And needing money. He lost his house and his family moved home with my mom. My SIL left and took the kids (this is good for them). My brother is angry and constantly hits my mom up for money. Yes, my ex SIL and their kids need money but he is very secretive about finances and it’s likely the money goes to drugs. Mom wants to retire soon but has stayed working to fund him. I think we all need counseling or some sort of support group but pills and finances to just too different. There are 5 siblings but I’m the local one and I can see what it is doing to my mom to watch him spiral daily.

      1. And the good (?) thing is that my siblings have spouses, who are not about to let my brother get any of their money. Mom is different, obvs (dad died a while ago). Her money in retirement will be a pension (so not a pot of $ my brother could get all at once) and a paid-off house (that I hope she will not refinance; the taxes and maintenance are significant and that and my brother are likely why she hasn’t retired yet). No doubt he will look to me for $ at some point and he’ll be nasty with “you don’t have a family to support like I do,” because he’s a jerk in addition to being an addict.

    2. I’m sorry – this is really hard. Having seen this played out among my extended family – please make sure your mom’s finances/assets are protected from your brother and that he cannot steal from her/whittle down her savings/retirement.

    3. I’m not sure how you feel about addiction recovery programs with religious foundations, but Celebrate Recovery is a good “catch all” for freedom from hurts, hang-ups, and habits. They are especially helpful for those working through co-dependency.

    4. Al-anon would still be appropriate. Just substitute his particular vice for alcohol. Please ask your mom to attend as well. It is all hard!

    5. Sorry you’re going through this. I know several people who went to Al-Anon for relative’s pill addictions, so I think it can still help.

    6. It’s typical for all of this to overlap (alcohol, other addictions, and financial fallout). I’d expect that Al-Anon could still be helpful, and they may be able to share other resources. It really sounds like your mom needs support (i.e. to be in therapy or a therapy group herself).

    7. It’s al-anon. This is an addiction problem not a personal finances issue. Your whole family needs help with boundaries with an addict.

      1. I mean, it’s an addiction problem for the brother. But it’s a financial problem with a lot of stressful spill-over to the family (and yet it may seem petty to show up to a support group ostensibly worried about money, especially when you are emotionally done being through the ringer with the family addict). It’s normal though not to want mom to go down with the ship and likely so hard for a mother to watch a child succumb to addiction.

        1. Yeah that’s an addiction problem. The question for the group is how do I learn how to say no to my addict son.

          1. +1. This is exactly what group help is for. I promise many others in the room have been in the same situation.

        2. More people with an addiction problem can’t afford it than can, and it’s very, very common for families to be financially affected. So it’s normal for this all to come with the territory.

    8. Not sure but in Dear Abby they say Al-Anon helps families of all addicts
      If there are more than 1 group near you, maybe try different groups till you find one with the vibe you’re looking for

      As an aside this is what my friend did with Mommy and Me groups – she was going back to work and did not want the Mommy and Me (well, PACE moms, this was DC) where everyone was going to be a SAHM

  6. Where can I get curvy mid-rise or contour waits pants now? High rise pants cover my tummy in a way that makes them look like maternity pants. I need something visually where the waist slices across the middle of the mass, if that makes sense. More at my equator and not at my narrowest part. Help!!!

    1. Have you tried the mass retailers? This is a good quest for Old Navy and Gap.

      1. +1, like JCrew offers their jeans in high, mid, and low rises in a variety of pant leg styles.

    2. I’ve always liked Madewell jeans for doing some sort of magic smoothing in my midsection.

    3. Loft has curvy fit pants. Some are marked as high waist, but I don’t think the waists are that high, maybe a smidge higher than midrise.

    4. Do you know what rise measurement you’re looking for? Literally, get out a pair of pants where the waistband hits where you like it, and measure the rise. Then look for pants that have the rise measurement. Depending on your height/measurements, you might be looking for pants that manufacturers would label low-rise, mid-rise, or high-rise. Or take your measuring tape with you to a store and go try on pants.

      1. OP here and I’ve sized out of my prior pants and the rises of the 2024 pants are all wrong for me (and not enough places offer curvy cuts). Will try Madewell — other chain retailers have options that are a B- and I’ve had two rounds of ordering and returning.

    5. BRF has “twill straight pull on” pants that might hit that sweet spot for you. They have a normal functional fly with covered elastic in the back of the waist and are mid rise.

      1. Another vote for Banana Republic Factory. They are my go-to for curvy work pants.

  7. Re yesterday’s discussion of HDHPs, is there an age (or a retirement horizon) where it doesn’t make sense to participate in one? DH’s company will be having a merger in 2024 and we will be looking at our insurance options with fresh eyes. He is 50; I’m 45. We have never done an HDHP before. I imagine he will retire as soon as he can (but IDK if that is 62 vs 65 (medicare starts then, I think) or 67). He promises it won’t be 70 — ha! We both have an HDHP available as an option from both jobs and two high-school children (so they’d stay somewhere until they turn 26). He carries it currently, so would repick upon the merger (or at the next open enrollment).

    1. I don’t think so. HSA money is triple tax advantaged. The timing discussion yesterday was because the OP was worried she’d save all that HSA money but perhaps not be able to use it, so I was pointing out that with the annual cap and a short runway, it’s not like an entire career’s worth of contributions is at stake.

    2. You mean because older people generally have more healthcare expenses? People say HDHPs aren’t good if you have a lot of health care expenses and that may generally be true, but isn’t true at my employer. I’ve done the math and whether you have $0 in healthcare expenses, $50k in health care expenses, or anywhere in between, the HDHP plan is the most affordable option. Basically for the non-HDHP plans you pay more than the high deductible upfront in premiums, so the math never works out in favor of them.
      You can choose a new plan when you open enroll every year, so I would go for it and if you feel it’s not working you can reassess. DH & I are early 40s and very happy with our HDHP.

      1. I think this really depends on how your plan is structured. If you only have to pay copays for most things, your out of pocket costs are probably going to be a lot lower than on a plan where you have to meet the deductible and then pay a percentage. The question then becomes whether the difference in premiums makes up for that. At my employer, the traditional plan is a way better deal if you live in state, but if you live out of state (or have a family member who does), then you can’t use the preferred network with copays and the high deductible plan is a better deal.

        1. Yeah, my employer only has plans with significant deductibles. The high-deductible plan has higher deductibles of course, but they’re offset by much lower premiums. We don’t have a traditional plan where you can visit the doctor for just a co-pay. It’s always the full $200 or whatever the exam costs until you’ve met your deductible and even the lowest deductibles are in the thousands for a family. And they love to talk about what great health insurance we have. Bleh.

      2. We went with an HDHP plan this year and got completely screwed because we had a lot of big expenses, and JUST met our $14k deductible. I think it was only about $3-$5k more expensive than the other plan would have been, but it’s hard to say because of stupid coinsurance so it’s possible it would have been about even.

        But next year I think we’ll do the HDHP plan again because we can hopefully push off anything else major until 2026.

    3. An HDHP is a high-deductible health plan. When it was created, a $1,500 or $2,000 deductible was unheard of, and a health savings account, HSA, was paired with it either for you to pay for health expenses or to pay for that deductible. Ideally the HSA is employer-funded, but that rarely happens.

      All of us choose health plans annually. Every single year you should be evaluating your offerings and selecting a new plan shouldn’t be unheard of – because your health needs change and deductibles and limits change, etc. You have no idea what health plans your employer will offer in any given year (unless you’re in HR), and you definitely have no idea what a new merger employer will offer.

      Can you invest in an HSA? Yes. Is that the point of this? No. Nowhere in your post do you discuss the health needs of your four-person family. Please evaluate the plans and choose the best one for your family, and then see if it’s an HDHP, not the other way around.

      As for whether it’s worth it, assuming you can pay all healthcare costs that come up out-of-pocket and don’t touch the HSA, you’ll have $8,550 to invest. Times 15 years (though the limit is adjusted annually), that’s $128,250 principal that you could have invested in the stock market.

      (As an aside, Medicare eligibility starts at age 65; Social Security eligibilty for full benefits is age 67 for people born after 1960.)

      1. This is good advice. The only caveat to this is that some employers are crazy generous with their health coverage (for us, husband’s is 500/month out of pocket for good coverage for a family). That is gold — it would cost $2000 a month for me to get coverage that is not as good (which I did before his job switch). His job is just a job, but it means that he’d only leave it at this point for a unicorn job.

    1. I have this same backpack in aubergine! I second your recommendation. It has held up great and looks almost-new three years later. I’ve gotten lots of compliments on it because it’s a little different from the usual.

  10. I grew up in a family where we never took vacations and lived frugally so that we could go to State U debt-free and my parents could live OK in retirement. My sister is a bit of a princess who really disdained working and thought she’d be a SAHM to a high earner (plot twist: she is divorced and her ex refuses to help with college and they live in a state where he can’t be compelled to pay for it). My nieces and nephews probably have no sense of finances as they dream of college and apply where they want to go to until it’s time to sign loan papers. I was really surprised to find this out with the oldest one. The kids are smart enough that they likely are too emotionally invested at the point where the rug gets pulled out from under them; otherwise, they could make plans like if you are OOS to your dream school, maybe defer for a year and work there and get your residency and save $ and then go with in-state tuition. I feel bad for them and yet I feel like the advice you’ll give me is to MYOB and say nothing to the younger ones. I just don’t want them to feel later like I am the one with a good money sense and stood by while they borrowed (I think they have some federal loans but the oldest one has private loans for at least 3 of his 4 years but at least is graduating with a job in a well-paying field and will go straight to work in May).

    1. I think you can say something to the younger kids once or maybe twice more in a ‘hey, if you want to talk about the ROI of certain degrees/fields’ or ‘if you need help with applying for scholarships/comparing the cost of different schools I’m happy to help’. Beyond that – not your circus not your monkeys.

    2. Do you have a good relationship with the oldest one? If so, talk with him about how he can help the younger ones know what to do regarding loans.

      Also, do your family dynamics somehow set you up in their lives as a person they turn to about money questions or blame for their money decisions? I (obviously) don’t know your family dynamics, but it wouldn’t occur to me to think one of my aunts should have advised me about how to pay for college, or that my decisions and their repercussions had anything to do with her. (Does this oldest nephew who is about to graduate blame you for the fact that he has college loans?)

    4. There is nothing wrong with talking to the people in your life. What I see here is a tendency to want to control the actions of others, which is a fool’s errand. But absolutely reach out to your nieces and nephew and talk to them about their future. It’s always helpful to have another adult perspective.

      1. Agreed. But I think you have to keep the rambling judgy lecture out of it. And if this poster can’t help herself she’s better saying nothing.

        1. From yesterday, it seems fairly common for parents to live their best debt-financed live and then lead their kids into that trap. I know that high schools in our state are supposed to mandate a financial literacy class and I teach a merit badge focused on this (and spend a LOT of time talking about careers, paying for college, hacks for making it cost you less, etc.). But IDK what sticks with kids until that first payment comes due or they can’t rent a cool apartment because their credit score is really bad.

          1. It’s too late now anyway. I don’t know what the point is of her talking to her oldest nephew who has four years of loans under his name already. Like “you shouldn’t have done that.“ Thanks, auntie that’s so helpful.

            There’s nothing inOP‘s post that makes me think she has good intentions anyway.

    5. The casual misogyny of you being more upset with your sister than you are with her deadbeat ex is upsetting to me this morning.

      1. It’s one thing to provide no support (who knows — most divorced people I know struggle to maintain two households in the style to which they used to have). It seems another to not counsel a kid from modest circumstances against incurring debt that won’t be dischargeable because it’s really fun to go to a 4-year school and live in a dorm with your friends and go on the lazy river together.

        Anyone here could pump the brakes. But often you crush a kid’s dream and who wants to do that when putting your head in the sand is so much easier in the short run?

        1. Right. It’s on the kids to maintain a good relationship with their parent if they expect financial support for college, assuming such support is possible. They are grown adults and I’m fascinated by the idea that any state would mandate this during divorce agreements.

          1. No, well off fathers who abandoned their kids should not get a pass on their financial obligations just because the kids they treated like garbage don’t suck up to them enough, what on earth.

          2. Is this satire? It’s on kids (kids??) to maintain the relationship??? The kids didn’t ask to be brought into a mess or do anything to be undeserving of parental support, and if you’re seriously suggesting that, I suggest you learn a book or talk to another human who is different from you or go breathe some fresh air or something!!

          4. No you don’t get to be a neglectful parent because your kid doesn’t meet an arbitrary threshold of @ss kissing.

          5. No adult is owed a college education by their parent. But if they expect financial help they should have those honest conversations and maintain their relationships. No one said the dad abandoned his kids. I assume he pays the agreed upon support.

            For all we know the marriage might have been a mutual failure.

      2. I think it is completely reasonable to be more upset with your sibling’s shitty parenting than with their ex-partner’s shitty parenting, especially if your parents were great parents in the precise area that your sibling is now being a shitty parent.

        1. Thank you for helping me articulate in my mind why my brother and SIL’s parenting style bugs me so much. They expect so little from their kids, to the point of them being entitled little twerps.

  11. My 83 y.o. mother has asked for a handheld vacuum, one she can use with one hand, and lightweight. Its main function will be to get cat fur off of the sofa, so it needs good suction.
    Thank you in advance for your recs!

    1. Cat lady here. This is not a vacuum rec, but try the Uproot Clean brand of pet hair removers. These gadgets work so well!

      1. Yeah for cat hair I think something like this would actually probably work better than a vacuum. We have the Chom Chom roller, which will also pick up small crumbs/debris.

    2. I have my eye on the Shark Wandvac which has been on sale on Amazon lately. I haven’t tried this one, but everything I have from Shark has been excellent. The website says its just 1.4 lbs.

    3. Crazy cat lazy here, I use one of those old school velvet things on a handle before vacuuming. My vacuum is a Dyson animal and I love it but they’re expensive. I appreciate that they’re reasonably repairable and I can order parts online.

    4. If my hairy beast were still in the picture, I would get the Shark UltraCyclone because I think the power brush is the best non-manual way to get pet hair off upholstery fabric.

    5. Hack for your mother – you can use a loop of velcro on the trigger for the vacuum so that she does not need to hold it down while vacuuming. Makes it easier to use with one hand too.

      1. This was going to be my objection to a dyson, which I have and love – I think the need to squeeze the trigger could be an issue for someone with arthritis or hand strength issues. Also not sure if newer Dysons work this way.

    6. I just bought a car with 2.99% 60 month financing. My husband bought one a couple months ago with 0%, 36 months. Both from dealerships.

    8. I have a Black & Decker Pivot dustbuster which sits on my kitchen counter to recharge, and I love it!

  12. What’s the best way to finance a new car? We’ve only ever bought one car and it was outright, so we’re not sure what’s considered the best approach when you are doing financing (bank? Dealer with haggling?). We would consider buying outright again but with the administration change and economic uncertainty, we’d rather not tie up that much cash. Is it still possible to get low interest rates with excellent credit?

    1. My boyfriend has excellent credit and the interest rate through the dealership was the best he could get. I think he ended up with a 6.?? rate. That was a few months ago.

    2. It’s all interest rate dependent. Right now I’d just buy your car with cash since rates are pretty high. Make decisions based on reality not fear.

      1. That’s precisely what we’re doing. You can trust that there is additional context to our experience that is beyond the scope of a simple question here.

        1. What a nice way to put it.

          OP – I checked a few months ago and my best rates were with USAA, followed by a credit union. That said, it is worth finding out what the dealership is currently offering in terms of financing. At year end some of them may be giving better terms. I suggest agreeing on a price first (tell them you have financing set up) and THEN ask them if they can beat the terms.

    3. About 6 months ago, I shopped around for interest rates. A credit union in my city had the lowest rate, which I think was around 4.25%, and it was all really easy to do online and via phone. If I had decided to move forward, all I had to do was go to one of their branches and pick up a “check” to use at the dealership. If you want to know what kind of interest rates you can get, email a few different options and ask them. I ended up buying in cash. I don’t know if you consider 4% to be low or not, I didn’t really when I already had the cash, but as I said, this was a while ago so these aren’t even current numbers.

      1. Yes, was coming here to recommend a credit union if you qualify. They always have the best rates and you can have the payment go directly fro your paycheck to the CU and thence to the loan.

    4. The dealership will probably have better deals than your bank. They can get below the fed reserve rate. I bought my car in 2021 – granted, rates were super low then – and my rate is under 1% which is about 1/3 of the best mortgage rate I was offered around the same time.

    5. We just bought a car last weekend with a 3.99% rate. Our savings rate is 4.25% so we just put half down.

    6. We just did a similar thing. We split the difference and put down half, then financed through the dealer @ 3.5% over 3 years. There is no prepayment penalty so we are just going to pay it off early assuming continued financial stability.

      As bonus, the dealership let us put $15k of the $20k down payment on our credit card! So we did that, then paid it off and got the points. Apparently they prefer this to personal checks and we didn’t bring a bank check.

  13. I have to get a filling tomorrow. :( I’ve been extremely lucky on dental health and this is my first. It’s a back molar. I don’t even have a cavity there, but the enamel is now gone so any cavity could progress very quickly.

    I’m mostly nervous about the numbing shots and the noise. Just wanted to vent somewhere about it. My husband has a severe dental phobia so teeth stuff is verboten in our household.

    1. Oh I had this a couple of years ago and was freaked out. It wasn’t bad at all and I hardly remember it now. You’ll be fine!

    2. Would earplugs help? The needles are a lot thinner than they used to be, but it’s “allowed” to skip the numbing shot and then decide if you really need it or not. I’ve never needed it for just a worn out enamel filling personally.

        1. Really? I’ve often been totally okay skipping it. And the other times, it was not a big deal since it wasn’t too late to get the numbing shot, and the needle didn’t bother me as much once I knew it was worth it.

      2. My dentist apparently doesn’t offer shots up front unless you ask. They will provide them during the process if needed, but I was so horrified to discover this that they put a note in my file to numb me up first no matter what.

      3. Not just ear plugs — I’ve been using my earbuds at the dentist lately and listening to music or a podcast, and it’s been a game-changer.

        And no, don’t skip the numbing.

        1. +1 take any bit of pain relief they offer just in case, and bring noise cancelling headphones + something fun to listen to.

      4. I can’t imagine voluntarily skipping the numbing! They didn’t have novocaine when my mother was a child (or at least didn’t use it for routine fillings) and she still talks about the pain and trauma of getting teeth filled without novocaine. And she is not a person with low pain tolerance – she gave birth twice without pain meds and has also had a couple of major surgeries that are known for having tough recoveries.

        1. They drilled really deep for those old fillings!

          Maybe we’re talking about different kinds of fillings.

    3. I get you! It is scary, especially the first time.

      I also have bad dental anxiety, but I have some recommendations for you. If you have noise canceling headphones, take those. If not, still take some earbuds and listen to whatever will help you during the procedure. I always ask, and they always say yes. I have found a light hearted podcast is best bc I don’t have to concentrate on every word, but it distracts me more than just music. (Decide what might work for you!)

      Also, don’t turn down the laughing gas! My insurance won’t pay for it, but it is a nominal cost for the enormous benefit to my anxiety. It’s like $10-20 I think.

      I also was very honest with my doctor and hygienist that I have some dental anxiety so I might need breaks. They are always very comforting!

      1. Thank you! (And thank you everyone else for the kind comments!) I had something similar to laughing gas when I was in labor and it made me so intolerably nauseous :(. Good tip on the headphones. That is my husband’s approach (along with lots of anti anxiety medication lol).

        I don’t think I have a true dental phobia, though it’s hard to know when you’ve been lucky to avoid anything more significant than fixing a tooth chipped in a first grade monkey bar incident.

    4. the noise is kinda hard to mitigate. The numbing shots are like a flu shot, pretty quick. If you are very worried, they can numb the injection spot with a numbing cream.
      Different people need different doses, so if the dentist starts working and you feel pain, it’s ok to ask for more numbing.
      You got this!

    5. Fillings are really nbd at all. You will be surprised at how little time they take – maybe 10 minutes. And if you don’t even have a cavity yet, then probably even quicker. The needle is super quick and at my dentist they numb the area first with a gel. Good luck!

    6. If I were you I would not get that filling ‘damaged enamel but no cavity’ screams dentist trying to take advantage of you for financial gain. Once you drill you can’t go back.

      1. I totally agree. In my 20s I switched to a dentist that was closer to my work for convenience. Now I have all these super shallow fillings that I probably never needed and every time I go to my real dentist, he asks me again why I have all of them. I have them because that new dentist apparently had some bills to pay. Don’t do it OP.

      2. I’m pretty suspicious of new dental procedures, but I’ve seen the same dentist for seven years and we’ve been monitoring this tooth for the last three–they are quite conservative.

      3. +1 this seems really odd to me. I generally do whatever the dentist suggests and certainly have had cavities, but I’d definitely side-eye a non-cavity filling. If you go in for two cleanings a year, I really wouldn’t be worried about this unless it’s hurting you already.

      4. Yeah, I would want them to try remineralization first. But maybe they did? On a back molar, I wondered if maybe it was a gold filling.

      5. OP – have you ever had sealants? I have deep hollows in my molars and that is what my dentist recommends. Drilling is a one-way street, and I would get a second opinion before letting a dentist do it preventatively.

      6. I am not a dentist, but I have had a lot of dental work, and I have also never heard of this.

    7. Tell them you’re nervous. They can put a numbing thing on your gum before delivering the shots which helps a bit. My mouth/jaw gets tired so I ask for a dental rest, which props open my mouth and can also suction. The dentist should have options.

      Try looking up a meditation beforehand and focusing on that after you’ve gotten through the shot portion. There shouldn’t be any pain after the shots. If you have pain, they can numb you more. It may take longer to speak/chew normally, but I’d rather be over-numbed.

  14. What sort of year end reflection or goal setting do you do? Looking for some ideas or prompts.

    1. I stopped doing New Year’s resolutions quite a while ago. There’s a reason the gyms are crowded in January and pretty empty by the end of February.

      My goal for the last four or so years has been to floss every single night before I go to bed, and I have achieved it. Here’s to achievable goals. Cheers!

    2. After a really difficult year, last year for the first time I did “manifestations” where I wrote down what I wanted to happen/how I wanted my life to be in one year. I completely forgot that I did that and then just remembered this month and looked at what I wrote down, and lo and behold both of the items I wrote down happened! Not by chance, I had to work hard to get them done, but I was so pleased to see that what I “manifested” actually happened. I am going to do this again this year.

      1. Are you the person who recommended Year Compass last year? I used it at the end of 2023 and loved it, so I’ve already started it for 2024/2025.

    4. We do “fun” goals for the year, which are basically desired experiences that we then get to prioritize. For example, last year’s list included 4 dance parties, reading 52 books, and traveling to see the eclipse, all of which were (delightfully!) accomplished.

  15. Is anyone here watching Black Doves on Netflix? I find it stressful but well done. Would love to dish on it a little.

    1. I started it because I like Keira Knightley, but then it got so intense and murder-y so quickly I realized this is not a season of my life where I find that enjoyable…

      1. I’m teetering on the same edge as you are! But I’m going to see it through. I’m kind of laughing right now at how (POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT) they introduced the bro-iest of bro-ey American characters into this very British drama, and that is keeping me entertained. I think i’m 5-6 episodes in right now.

    2. I binge watched the whole season. It’s ok, mainly because of the excellent actors (Ben Whishaw, Keira Knightly, etc.), but it’s a bit silly and quite violent.

  16. I am going to my boyfriend’s brother’s wedding this week in a different country. My boyfriend yesterday sent me a text saying, “my mom keeps saying you have to be the most beautiful at the wedding, because you are. And everyone knows you are the future daughter in law. She has repeated this multiple times lol.”

    How would you take this? Do you think she will be disappointed if I look bad, or is it more of a sweet sentiment? I am freaking out I won’t look pretty.

    1. Wow I hope your boyfriend’s brother is gay, because if a SIL is about to marry into this family I feel bad for her.

    2. That is so weird. The bride should be the most beautiful person (and the focus of attention) at a wedding! It sounds like she thinks you don’t make any effort in your appearance or something.

      Your boyfriend would be wise to defend you from his crazy mother.

    3. I would take this to mean your boyfriends mom doesn’t like his brothers fiancee. (Unless brother is marrying a man in which case I have no idea)

    4. This is a weird thing to say and I have no idea how to interpret it. She wants you to look pretty so she can show off her son and his beautiful girlfriend? Eww. I’m hoping there’s something culturally relevant here that would make this make sense.

    5. This a weird comment. Probably well-meaning, but also kind of inappropriate. First of all this is really unkind to the bride. And also weirdly pressuring to you. I would dismiss this with a “haha I’ll do my best” type response and look exactly the way you intended to look, but also be on the looking for weird patterns, both from BF’s mom and from BF’s himself because him sharing this in this way reflects not great judgement/the inability to see that his family culture around looks may be unhealthy.

    6. I think I’d tell your boyfriend that you don’t need to hear anymore of this. Shut it down. It’s not doing you any good at this point it’s just stressing you out. Tell him that if he continues, maybe rethink the wedding altogether.

    7. That his mom likes you and is excited about having one son getting married and the other with a beautiful girlfriend.

      Brother getting married is likely to bring a lot of ‘what about other son’ questions and you looking great answers that.

      Ignore the pressure and have fun dressing up.

      1. THIS. I don’t read it as a negative thing at all! I see it as mama being proud of her two boys – one getting married and the other dating a beautiful woman.

    8. Are you very familiar with weddings in the country where the wedding will be? I wonder if she’s trying to prompt her son to convey norms, and he is thick as bricks? I essentially appreciate that my husband doesn’t read much into what my MIL says (I’d rather he missed some subtext than also be anxious about it anyway!), but I did have to tell him not to pass along what she says to him about me or my family because I don’t need to hear it.

      At the same time, I’d still try to put a positive read on this: that she’s proud of you and really looking forward to having you at the event and thinks that you are pretty.

    9. This pretty business is just a distraction. You are pretty enough.
      First you get clarity for yourself: What do YOU want to happen? Are you just trying to have a fun visit at this couple’s wedding? How does this wedding talk make you feel? Do you want to start talking about this with your boyfriend, or are you comfortable not addressing this for now?
      Then get on the same page with BF. Clearly he is getting some pressure from mom. Maybe she is also feeding him stories about what you are entitled to/expect from him. Make sure he knows where you stand and what this trip should look like. If you want to table engagement talk, why not just tell him, so you can roll your eyes at mom together and have a fun trip?

    10. Is there a chance that there’s some sort of cultural disconnect or translation issue? Because this is super of to say, but there are extenuating circumstances where it would be endearing, mostly ones where they actually meant something different but said it wrong.

      1. That was my take at first – it’s cultural. It’s hard to imagine a stiff-upper-lip British mother saying this to her son at all, much less repeatedly.

    12. I would take this as his mom being excited to show you off.

      And if your bf was so eager to pass along the “future DIL” part of it, I would suggest deciding if you want to marry him, because he’s signaling he’s thinking the same way by sharing that…

  17. Has anyone gotten a dental implant? How rough is the recovery? And how long is is rough for? And any issues with adding the crown, which will be done later after the implant settles in?

    1. I have found the two week period after an implant to be pretty uncomfortable, to the point that I feel like something must be wrong. Then I seem to start feeling significantly better. The crowns have never been a problem. Do you need a bone graft before getting an implant? If so, that adds a lot in terms of cost +timing +recovery because it adds a surgery and a waiting period for the bone to grow.

    2. I’ve had several. They weren’t bad at all as I remember. Of course, you’re numbed. I got a special antiseptic mouth rinse for afterwards. They tell you to take it easy, apply ice, rest if you want, you know–all the usual. Be guided by your pain if any. One of mine was in downtown DC and I just walked back to work (in the driving rain). The others were in suburbia and I drove away holding the ice pack. But I never took time off work and went back to the gym asap (but not swimming because that’s an open wound).

      Obviously follow what they tell you about eating, what, when and on what side. The crown: no issues whatsoever! I think you’ll have had a temporary crown protecting the site in the meantime, not sure. You’ll be so glad to get it by then. Besides the cost, what bothered me was the many different specialists and visits required for this process. But better than the previous technology (dentures). Or gaps.

      Why all this? I’m old, have bad teeth courtesy of heredity and was forced to go to an antiquated dental practice as a child.

    3. I’ve had it and it wasn’t really as bad as I’d feared. I had a bone graft first so the whole thing took many weeks, but nothing was really awful and it’s been years now with no problems. Once it’s in, it’s like you have your tooth back.

      1. +1. Also had the bone graft first. It is a long process (many months in my case), but honestly, it was mostly no big deal.

    4. I’ve had maybe two and found it to be no big deal. It’s 2-3 appointments – the first for a root canal and then a ‘post’, they do a cast of your tooth and order the crown/tooth part to fit on the post. The root canal part is annoying because they take a while but with numbing you don’t really feel anything other than a tired jaw at the end. One tooth felt a little weird after the implant was installed but I would guess it was because it was just ever so slightly large. Took the teeth around it about 2 weeks to adjust, and during that time I felt pressure like you would with braces.

    5. Haven’t done it myself, but DH had. When I met him, he had had the implant done years before and never had the crown put on. I told him to get the crown. Unfortunately, gum had grown over the implant by then and that had to be cut away before a crown could be added. He made that part sound pretty nasty. Moral of the story is: get the crown and don’t wait years to finish the whole procedure.

  18. I’m so ashamed to even type this out, but I need help.

    On the surface I look like my life is totally together. And it mostly is. But I have major problems with binge eating and emotional eating. I mostly kept it at bay during my 20s and 30s by channeling that anxious energy into exercise and activity. Then, between the pandemic and a chronic health issue, I was no longer able to move the way I used to. So I started eating.

    I only do this alone, usually later at night when I feel really out of sorts, and it’s almost like I go into a fugue state, completely out of body. I’ll eat a whole tub of ice cream, a bag of chips, without stopping, even knowing that it’s not going to feel good when I’m done, just because I feel out of control in my life and for some reason, allowing myself to succumb to this helps in the moment.

    When I read about people suffering with alcohol and drug problems, I can actually relate, even though I don’t use either of those, because the secrecy, the shame, and the recurring lapses are all so similar.

    It’s been getting a lot worse lately, and last night was the worst of all. I’ll make excuses that I’m going to go do grocery shopping, but then I’ll pick up “baking ingredients” or “stuff for entertaining” knowing full well I’m just going to eat it all myself. I woke up this morning feeling a food/sugar hangover, all puffy-faced and bloated and sad, AGAIN. I really want to stop. In every other aspect of my life, I am in total control, except for this.

    Has anyone else dealt with this, and if so, how did you find help? I am so embarrassed and ashamed.

    1. Hugs.

      In the town I grew up in, there was an OA (overeaters anonymous) group. IDK if that exists where you are.

      I also found a book called My Name is Caroline. It must be 35-40 years old by now, but it is an autobiography of a woman who overcame bulimia and binge eating. It is hard — you have to eat to live, so you can’t just quit but have to learn to fuel yourself in a healthy way.

    2. For me a cycle of undereating and exercising and binge eating ended up being a symptom of a medical condition; I absolutely believed it was psychological, and there’s certainly a significant psychological impact of going into a fugue state and “coming to” with an entire box of cereal or loaf of bread just gone. I blamed stressors in my life and also blamed myself. But this pattern stopped completely with non-psychological interventions and meds. I mention this in case it’s important to be open to the possibility that this is secondary to something going on that’s medical or to be open to the possibility of getting medical help of some kind.

      1. Can I ask what the condition is?

        I tend to get pretty thin if left to my own devices but then once or twice a year my brain goes mad for a whole month and I binge, put on a bunch of weight, then something clicks in my brain and I go back to normal.

        1. Apparently my stomach empties at inconsistent rates and my body never knows how much insulin to produce. So my blood sugar was spiking and dropping a lot and my body was freaking out about it. It didn’t show up on A1C since the average of “high and low” is “normal,” but it showed up on gastric motility tests and glucose tolerance tests. I think these days they would probably treat with a GLP-1? But since this was 10+ years ago, I was treated with meds available then and a diet to keep my blood sugar stable. (I hesitate to mention diet since “restricted diet for eating disorder” sounds so perfectly wrongheaded, but there’s no comparison to how much less disordered it feels to be in control; I feel like I’m on the same team as my body again).

    3. Hugs to you. Have you looked into GLP+1s? The way they completely turn off food noise is real. It’s the craziest thing mentally, speaking as someone who was always thinking about what my next meal would be (and whether I would be good or bad, etc). I feel like the meds changed the judgmental self-talk about food, that whole system inside my head. Huge.

      1. I will echo this. I have been on ZepBound since early July and the way the food noise just… disappeared was amazing. For the first time that I can remember I wasn’t constantly thinking about food and wrestling cravings. I was off the medication for a week and it started rushing back and I felt powerless over it. All this to say that I feel your pain, frustration, and loning for a change.

      2. Seconding this. 25+ year history if ED (primarily bulimia, multiple binges a day). Did lots of therapy, dealt with many of the issues, but still there. Started a GLP-1 about 4 months ago months ago and it all stopped. Whatever was driving this in my brain/body turned off. On a very low dose. I can now have any food in the house without being compelled to eat all of it NOW. I did lose weight, some was needed, but dropped a little too much. I need to be cognizant of eating enough. Not ideal, but much healthier than before.

    4. I just want to put a plug for CBT-E for binge eating disorder. There is a lot of research evidence that it works really well, if you can find a therapist in town who does this.

      1. +1
        And hopefully one that treats more than just anorexic young women – there are a lot of crappy therapists out there, and those that serve more diversity tend to be better.

    6. I attended Overeaters Anonymous for a while and it was helpful to me. I didn’t exactly fit but there’s a wide range of people and, as I said, it was helpful. Also, therapy and medication for depression and anxiety. You are not alone!

    7. My doctor prescribed Naltrexone, which is used for alcohol abuse, off-label for binge eating. It worked pretty well. It might be something to try if you don’t want to/can’t get access to a GLP-1.

      1. Yes! It’s an amazing drug for binge eating — at least for some people. TMI, it causes bad constipation sometimes, so I take Miralax every day.

    8. Therapy. I had a couple of compulsive binges that freaked me out and then found a therapist with experience. She was great, and a lot of family stuff ended up coming out of it, and I joined Codependents Anonymous, which was really helpful. It was a really hard year, and it helped my life in so many ways. Now, 6 years later, I have a great relationship with food and my body. I will add that I didn’t speak to some family for a year and set really hard boundaries about how I am treated. I have good relationships with them but it has taken some work, and them coming around was not a sure thing. Please get help OP, you are worth it, and life gets better.

    9. I find Geneen Roth’s books really helpful — I felt seen when reading them, and less alone with the shame. Sending hugs, and a +1 for Zepbound. It has been astonishing how little real estate food takes up in my mind on it!

    11. Yes. I can definitely relate. I know you feel alone but you are so not. I have struggled with EDs since I was a teen and I am now in midlife. I have had plenty of therapy and stopped some of the more harmful behaviors but none of the CBT techniques or self-realizations matter when the urge to binge comes on.

      I took Vyvanse for a while. It is approved for treatment of BED. It worked (and made me super focused even though I don’t have ADHD or at least have never been diagnosed with it. However, the side effects were not tolerable for me. I don’t need something to ramp up my anxiety.

      Here is what worked: compounded semaglutide from an online prescriber. I no longer feel the urge to binge. It is expensive but so worth it for me. I am sick of people gatekeeping these drugs that are changing lives in unexpected but wonderful ways.

    12. No advice, but I could have written every single word of your post. I am tall and thin, have a great job, am happily married, own a home, am financially stable, have incredible friends, etc. DH doesn’t know about it. I also see or read about other addictive behaviors and relate even though I don’t engage in any of them.

      I decided to figure out what the triggers are for me. Through a lot of self-reflection, I have realized this year that I binge eat when I am finally alone at home and can relax, when I’m emotionally upset, and when I’m bored at a party. For the past six months, I have been on high alert during these times, and I have been working on doing something different to either trigger the relaxation feeling or distract from the boredom (huge family Thanksgiving provided great practice). Sometimes I accomplish the goal and other times I do not, but I find that I’m engaging in behavior I want to more often than not by being aware and purposefully acting differently than I want to.

      I do not have the answer and I also feel shame. If nothing else, please know you’re not alone.

    13. I applaud your vulnerability, you should be proud of yourself for asking for help.

  19. while I appreciate retailers creating things for Hanukkah, it would be nice if they could at least find someone to check to make sure that the items they sell aren’t completely incorrect.

    1. there’s this woman who does these very funny videos on instagram explaining, for example, why what target or walmart is selling is problematic.

      1. i follow her! I really don’t understand why a company like West Elm can’t find someone to make sure the letters on a dreidel are in the correct shape/order.

        1. They could be using AI for the design, with predictably awful results. See: the Bath and Body Works candle design debacle.

    2. My college aged son’s bestie came over the day we put up our Christmas tree and jokingly commented that we needed more Hannukah ornaments. Then he saw that we have a Ruth Bader Ginsburg ornament and he let us know that was good enough.

  20. My boyfriend is an incredibly handsome and fit guy, but he doesn’t know how to dress in a way that complements him. He is open to help, and we’ve done a closet purge and filled in some basics gaps, but I don’t feel like I have the expertise to help him with male-specific styling/proper tailoring/etc. I’ve sent him Instagram reels of male styling influencers but that’s about it.

    Is this a service I could gift him for Christmas? I/we are not wealthy, so a personal stylist seems out of reach. Is there a service that does general style consulting and recommendations for men across price points? I’m in the DMV area. Thanks!

    1. Wow I said my boyfriend…my FIANCE lol. We got engaged recently lol and I’m still getting used to the change.

    4. First question: does he actually care? Or is it something you care about that he’s picking up to please you? Because the advice is different for each circumstance.

      If he’s actually interested, what stopped him from learning before? Address that first.

      If it’s for you, make it as low-key and maintainable as possible, and didn’t disregard that what he’s been doing has been working well for him and he’ll likely fall back into it unless what you’re offering really feels like an improvement to him.

      My husband has such a different approach to clothing and style than me and there have been times I’ve wanted to fix it, but it’s really not that important. I’ve come to terms with his polos and checkered button ups, he accepts my cartooned skirts and that I rarely ever dress up.

      1. I have this same question. If he actually wants to do this independently, my boyfriend recently embarked on such a project. Not even joking, he watched a ton of episodes of Queer Eye and learned A LOT. Then we went to a big outdoor mall that had a ton of stores and he just tried on anything he thought he might like even a little. He’d say the same stuff to himself that Tan says to the people on the show! He’s ended up with a wardrobe he’s happy and confident in, and he even has some favorite stores and brands now.

        This was 100% self directed. Anytime I’d try to help him with his style in the past, it never stuck and he couldn’t even articulate what he liked or didn’t like.

        1. Haha, my friend’s husband got very into Queer Eye. My friend said “whatever they say to do, he pretty much does.” I have to say he does look pretty good now, though I don’t think he has taken on any cooking projects yet.

          1. I’m the poster above, and yes, this is mine bf’s evolution. He already cooked, luckily, but with home decor and grooming and clothes, it’s QE or bust. I think it’s sweet.

      2. Oh good question! I have asked him this and he said he cares because he wants to complement me (I love fashion so I usually put outfits together and he has made comments about not wanting to be the mismatched guy in a tee and jeans). So I think it’s a mix of for him and me.

        I’ve definitely seen his style evolve (no more tees + chinos) but I would love for him to have more confidence in his outfit choices. He often calls me to see if I like his outfit and if it makes sense which I don’t mind, but I want him to feel like he has the tools. I personally don’t see it as a thing to fix but he does!

        1. Also maybe turn him on to some Instagram accounts? I like @parkeryorksmith

    5. Speaking from experience, fit guys (esp. if they dont skip leg day) have as much trouble finding good fitting clothes as women do. Men’s clothes aren’t cut for a more ample backside. Your best bet is going to be athleisure or golf brands that have more give in them.

      1. Ahh would not have guessed this. This actually makes sense.

        Also thanks for the Nordstrom recs!

      2. Agree, I am married to a man with this body type. Many brands make an “athletic” cut of pants which has extra thigh and leg room.

        He looks preposterous in most joggers, we had to do a lot of shopping.

  21. I am naturally not an organized person (ADHD, poor spatial reasoning, I often don’t “see” the clutter). I have taken Friday off in an attempt to get my apartment presentable before the holidays and new year. I actually quite like cleaning but I often don’t do it as often as I’d like because in order to clean I have to move the clutter out of the way.

    My apartment has decent storage… for a 650 sq ft city apartment. It’s not always the most practical storage, but its there.

    I’ve been in this apartment for 2 years and it’s just not working for me, but I have another 11 months left on my lease and I want to enjoy the last year here.

    I want a cute, organized apartment. I want it to look good. I want to be able to invite people over spontaneously. But I never am able to manage this well.

    1. When I had <12 months left in a tiny apartment, I started packing and labeling things I was pretty sure I wouldn't need in that time frame but that I was sure I'd want in my next apartment. For me this included photo albums and nearly all books (if I regretted packing away a favorite, I could always borrow it from the library), mementos, and non-essential kitchenware, all of which cleared some cabinet and shelf space for things I use more often. For the kind of clutter that builds up from very frequently used things and that isn't sightly, I made sure I had reasonably attractive boxes and baskets to coral it and get it out of sight (yes out of sight is out of mind, but sweeping surfaces into a cute box or basket before guests come over isn't the worst). So if there's a pile up of hats, gloves, scarfs, purses; can it all go into a basket? Or if there's a pile up of mail and paperwork, can it all go into a box? If it really has to stay on a surface or visible, command hooks are a classic for not losing keys, and trays are a classic for making ten odds and ends on the coffee table look like one "tray with stuff in it" instead of "ten random items to visually parse."

      1. I’m *probably* going to renew my lease even though the apartment is small, it’s priced well under market value and is in a great location. It would take a miracle to find something better.

    2. Oh, I feel this. I also have ADHD. I also like cleaning–it is so satisfying!

      I’ve found the only way I can even hope to avoid that drowning feeling is to own as little stuff as possible. I would grab a trash bag and walk through your apartment and put as much as you can in there. Then stick it in a closet and if you haven’t gone into the bag within the next X weeks or so, take it to the curb. Don’t worry about getting rid of it in the “best” way possible. Listing stuff on buy nothing is for people who have a higher level of executive function.

      There’s also nothing wrong with packing things up and sticking them in a closet temporarily, especially when you rent. I did this recently with almost all of our books and our dishes we don’t like. It felt so freeing!

      1. Wait this is great – never occurred to me that I could just put stuff in storage and deal with it later.

    3. Do you have a friend that can help?

      Organizing weirdly is easier to see when it’s for other people. you can assess the ‘problem’ more clearly.

      Do you live alone? I think it matters whether you’re dealing with your own clutter or two people’s clutter too.

      1. Yeah, if Friday doesn’t go well I was hoping to enlist a friend between Christmas and NYE.

        I live alone

      2. I find just having somebody keep me company, not even “helping,” is very helpful.

    4. Some people have found UfYH resources helpful (not spelling out the acronym here but it should work as a search term)

    5. The biggest difference-maker is getting rid of anything you don’t actually need, like, or want. Once you are left only with things you want, your storage solutions will be easier to figure out.

      Also, your storage needs to make it as easy to put things away as possible. For example, complicated shoe tree racks are impossible because it takes a lot of work to put away each pair of shoes. I keep all my every day makeup in one small plastic container, so when I’m done I just put it back — having a bunch of separate slots for different things would mean I won’t put it away when I’m in a rush, aka always.

      In most cases, simple boxes or baskets are the best solution. For a few things, having a decorative storage piece is great — I use cute bowls for my every day jewelry, my watch, and my keys. It feels nice to put them there when I come home.

      Having more space around your items and clear surfaces also makes it easier to put stuff away. You can clearly see what’s out of place if normally there’s only one fruit bowl or whatever on the table.

      I’ve also done the “reverse Marie Kondo” method for categories like makeup. I pile it all in one spot, then pull out favorites and put them in their future storage one at a time. At some point, I realize that the keep pile looks “right” and all the stuff in the original pile is stuff I don’t actually like but feel guilty about tossing, and then I toss it all.

      Good luck!

      1. I do this a lot with skincare. I have one medicine cabinet shelf for skincare and one little tray for makeup. These are categories I enjoy, so things make their way into my home over time, but when my shelf and tray get over-crowded, I no longer enjoy doing skincare/makeup, so then some things have to go into a “holding” status where I decide whether it gets rotated back in, or whether it was just sitting there because I don’t actually like it. I’m pretty good at going through my stash at least twice a year, so nothing hangs around for too long (this is a good thing to do while you watch a movie.)

    6. “Clutter” at home is often stuff we use frequently, in an area which doesn’t have a place to go when we aren’t using it, or the place it goes is too far away from where it is most often used, or it’s so often used that it seems too much of a bother to put away. Example –
      Couch and tv area – after work, Fran watches tv on her couch with a cozy throw, cup of hot tea and remote on the side table, and either knitting or coloring books depending on her mood and what she’s watching. Knitting project bag typically sits on the couch next to a small pile of coloring books and tin of coloring pens. At the end of the night, Fran takes her dishes into the kitchen, washes them up and tidies the kitchen before bed. The remote and coaster stay on the side table, the throw stays on the couch in a soft puddle, and the knitting and coloring tools are at the end of the couch. Because while the throw is stored in the hall closet, it is too much to put it away each time, and while the craft tools are stored in the walk-in closet, again, it’s too unrealistic to put think Fran will put each active, on-going project away perfectly each evening. Leaving those items on the couch isn’t really messy, but the couch and side table are door-facing. First thing Fran sees when she comes home (like a rumpled unmade bed). Is there a drawer in the side table to sweep the remote and coaster into at the end of the evening? Could the throw, knitting and coloring tools all go into a basket on the floor at the end of the couch (or even on the couch)? Still easily at hand for recreation at the end of a workday, but just that bit more visually quieter.
      If you think decorative boxes or baskets could help you, first try out the container idea in given spot with a container you already own or with a cardboard box. Resist the tempation to immediately purchase pretty containers to help you organize. Purchase once you know what sizes you’ll need (so frustrating when the lid won’t close on the box purchased to store a specific thing!), whether you want clear containers (great inside private closet space, easy to see what each contains) or whether you want opaque containers (great for storing messy stuff in public spaces). Thrift stores have a lot of baskets and boxes.
      You mentioned you don’t always “see” the clutter. Try taking pictures of your space with your phone. It may help. (It helps me for some reason.)

    7. The Marie Kondo method of pile everything up, sort out what you don’t want and then find a space for everything you want to keep worked really well for me, though it’s a lot of work. If you need to move things to clean you’re probably at the level of needing a weeding-out.
      It’s also worth considering how you’re organized- if you need more storage or different storage, or things need to be more visible vs. packed away.

  22. I am getting weird errors lately ‘you’re commenting too fast’, and they prevent me from posting. This is not posting a comment every 10 seconds, but several minutes apart. I am a fast typer, but it’s not like I am chatgpt or anything. Together with the other changes, participating in these conversations is significantly less enjoyable now.

    1. I get the same too-fast response, even when it is my first post of the day in a new browser window, and one that is typed slowly. It’s weird.

    2. That happens when I don’t have a name and email address saved. If you leave those boxes blank, it will fill in as “Anonymous,” but it assumes that you’re the same no-name, no-email person as someone else who is commenting.

  23. One of my coworkers said something that is still really annoying me. He got two auto replies from two women he works with maternity leave, and he said “don’t women work anymore these days?” In passing. How would you respond that? I said “maybe they don’t because they are taking care of the men’s children” but I feel like I could have had a wittier response.

    1. That’s such an annoying comment. I actually think that your response was right on and you did well.

      1. I don’t love that framing because if it was just about physical recovery many women could go back in a week or two. Uncomplicated V deliveries aren’t typically that hard to physically recover from. New moms deserve much longer than a couple weeks off, but it’s not for physical recovery (in most cases) it’s for caregiving and bonding.
        I think what OP said is great actually.

        1. Speak for yourself. I bled heavily for all 6 weeks. My OBGYN said “if it doesn’t stop soon we will have to intervene” and never got more specific. But I definitely couldn’t have gone to work as I was still destroying my home bathroom on the regular.

          1. That’s why I said “most cases”
            But the bigger point is that being physically recovered within two weeks (as all my close friends, my mom, my MIL, my SILs and I were) doesn’t mean you should be back at work, and framing maternity leave as physical recovery gives a lot of men the impression that we’re on vacation for 10+ weeks after the vag heals, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

          2. You may have felt ok, but you truly weren’t physically recovered at two weeks – your uterus isn’t even back to normal size yet at that point and most women, even though you may not feel it, have muscle and ligament damage that needs a chance to heal. Most women have tearing and stitches. Women truly should be on medical leave after giving birth and should be given the opportunity to physically recover.

          3. 1:19, stop with this nonsense. Women absolutely can feel OK after two weeks, but that does NOT mean they’re anywhere close to being recovered. Good lord. Not to mention that PPD and other issues don’t always kick in right away, but if and when they do, that adds a whole other layer of consideration.

        2. Your comment about physical recovery only being a week or two shows that you aren’t knowledgeable about women’s health. Please, let’s not spread this kind of offensive nonsense around. Women are given by default six to eight weeks of physical recovery for very valid reasons.

          1. Yeah I think “I recovered in a week or two, NBD” is the outlier experience, not what many women experience in most cases.

          2. She’d be a medical marvel if she physically recovered in two weeks. Feeling ok is not the same as recovery.

          3. +1 until you have golf-ball size clots coming out if you five weeks on, please be quiet.

          4. I think it’s way more offensive to say “maternity leave = physical recovery” which implies we’re lounging around essentially on vacation after we’re physically healed, and that’s unfortunately the impression a lot of men have.

            Most women I know who’ve given birth vaginally felt healed down there within two weeks for normal daily activities, myself included and I had a third bordering on fourth degree tear. That doesn’t mean you’re ready to go back to work! You’re sleep-deprived and hormonal and leaking milk and have a newborn to care for. But framing a 12 week maternity leave as being primarily about physical recovery is very odd to me, because it doesn’t take anywhere near that long to physically heal enough to go to work for most people, especially if you have an office job that’s not physically demanding.

          5. You may not remember, but in the US at least, a 12 week maternity leave isn’t a 12 week physical recovery – it’s typically 6-8 week of official disability for physical recovery. This is an extremely well documented healing timeline. The additional ~6 weeks is generally taken for baby bonding / care of a newborn baby. The baby bonding part is parental leave, not maternity-specific. Any man who thinks you’re lounging around either doesn’t have kids or probably didn’t take his own paternity leave.

        3. Sorry, it IS for physical recovery. Combining that with caregiving means you are operating at a loss, not healing, not recovering. Sure, if you’re lying around recovering with no baby, you MIGHT feel okay but you will not be healed and not be back to normal.

      2. depends on who it was and how i was feeling but this is definitely something i would tell his supervisor or HR about. If i were senior or older than him i would have said something like, “you know i would really think about what you just said and the impact it could have”

      3. and taking care of a tiny squirming baby who doesn’t know day from night, and if they’re breastfeeding they’re going to be up at all hours of the night with the baby

    4. When in doubt “what do you mean by that?” With a very sincere tone of voice can make a decent man realize he was accidentally sexist. Only works for people who have a sense of shame though.

    5. I would treat it the way I would treat an analogous situation with 2 black colleagues on sick leave for sickle cell anemia (or another disease that disproportionately affects minority men and women). He’s emphasizing that he sees them as Others who need to justify their work ethic. He wouldn’t make these comments about 2 colleagues he sees a peers who have medical issues he thinks are justified. I would report to HR and probably wouldn’t have a polite script in the moment.

    6. Wow, that sounds an awful lot like pregnancy discrimination! I know you wouldn’t want to do that, since (you were so supportive when Sarah went out with her firstborn or other personal anecdote), so please don’t joke about that again.

    7. Hey, you didn’t say “Haven’t men learned to shut the fuck up these days?”, so you’re doing great.

    8. “Maybe men need to step up and birth half of the children out there. Until that happens, stop whining.”

  24. DC area ladies – we will be in town visiting family during Christmas-week. I saw that the skating rink at the wharf is open on Christmas Day. Any idea of any restaurants around there that might be open that day?

    1. not exactly what you asked – but the georgetown waterfront rink is open on christmas day as well and the farmers fishers bakers restaurant is open that day as well, and you can ask for tables that overlook the rink. not life-changing cuisine, but a broad menu with options for family with differing tastes.

    2. I would expect that most of the restaurants at the wharf will be open. I would check out their website and see what interests you

    3. You might also consider the plaza at Pentagon Row across the river in Arlington, behind the Pentagon City shopping mall, which advertises the largest outdoor skating rink around. Lots of decent restaurants around there, too. Enjoy!

  25. There is someone on my team who every so often will tell me about someone who said a negative thing about me behind by back. For example, someone said I don’t know what I am talking about. Or the graphics on my presentation were not sophisticated enough to match the topic. She claims to be a friend who has my back but I am wondering. When she tells me these things is she trying to take me down a peg? I always feel worse. Or do you think she is sincere and trying to help me.

    1. Is this person a peer or is one of you in the other’s reporting line?

      If she claims to be a friend, maybe just ask her. “Jane, I’m struggling to understand what you aim to accomplish by bringing this to my attention. Can you provide some more context?”

        1. Right? Nobody who gives scripts seems to have ever had an interaction with a real human.

    2. It’s a little strange to me that people would be saying these things in her hearing if she’s perceived to be your friend. I’d wonder if she’s maybe not perceived to be your friend and why, or if she’s making stuff up or what.

    3. No. Not sincere. This is nasty behavior cloaked as friendly loyalty. She may even believe that herself, but it’s not.

      If you can, next time say, “Thanks — but honestly, I’d rather not be told what’s been said behind my back. It doesn’t help me and it makes me feel terrible.”

    4. Are you in a passive aggressive team/organization known for passing feedback in this manner?

    5. idk, isn’t that what work friends do? tell you who to watch out for and why based on something they know? only you know the spirit in which she’s sharing – is it “Gertrude said your graphics are bad” in a gloating way or is it “omg Gertrude was badmouthing your graphics to Roderick – what is wrong with her”

    6. Impossible to say what her intent is, and largely irrelevant to whether or not you should continue socializing with her if you don’t enjoy socializing with her.

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