Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Parisa Velvet Single-Breasted Suit Blazer

317 Comments

1. For menopausal-ish women: how often have you had what seems to be random staining? I’ve had two episodes. The first I dismissed as strain related from moving items from my parents house into storage (so a lot more of a different sort of exertion over a week), but I made an appointment after a second episode about a month later. That appointment just got rescheduled to January, but it has been two months now with nothing happening. Am on progesterone / some sort of estrogen for HRT. I was told previously that any bleeding was BAD but this was more staining vs active bleeding, if that makes sense (nothing bright red). I’m on the cancellation list in case I can get seen sooner but it’s bumming me to wait for what I hope is a “that was odd but nothing seems to be clearly wrong.” If this happened to you, what was was your course of observation / any treatment?

   1. I wasn’t on any HRT, and had a few episodes of spotting. It was nothing.

      My take is that the whole process of menopause is so drawn out, sputtering, and random that unless there is something far more dramatic and ongoing than what you’re describing, your doctors have no way of telling you anything except “Let’s see what happens over time.” But I’m not a doctor!

      1. Yeah, I get this occasionally too and it literally would never occur to me to go the doctor about it. While I think it’s great that menopause isn’t some secret thing, it’s also something that I think you can make much worse with constant focus and attention on it.

         1. The more focus and attention medical science gives to this, the less of a concern it will be for women going through it since there will be clear and evidence based answers.

         2. It’s not common, but unexpected bleeding can be due to something serious like cancer. If you’re in peri then I think it’s common to spot, but especially if you have unexpected bleeding after menopause you should get it checked out by a doctor. My mom’s friends all acted like she was crazy for doing that, but lo and behold she had cancer.

            1. OP here and I am mid-50s, so my last well-woman visit did end with an “and if there is bleeding, you should call.” Which I really didn’t expect so soon. We haven’t had any lady cancers other than breast cancer in my family (and even then, it was not this young). I am assuming it’s a nothing, but letting the doctor tell me nothing needs to be escalated now.

               Is it . . . a colposcopy? Or something else? Not really sure what they do to determine that (had a colposcopy once after an iffy pap smear).

            2. I had a family member who was diagnosed with with cancer and the first symptom was bleeding. I’d get it checked out to be on the safe side.

            3. Agree. Bleeding is never normal after menopause. Always tell your doctor.

               They will do a pelvic exam, most likely. And then decide whether you need a PAP smear or an ultrasound.

            4. Bleeding after menopause can be endometrial cancer. Get it checked asap.

   2. I’m still getting my period very regularly (age 48), so not sure if I am your target audience, but in the last couple of years I have started to have spotting for up to a week before my period starts, and also sometimes around ovulation. Super annoying.

   3. I’m not sure I understand your question, but at 51 I am at the stage of irregular periods. I haven’t had a lot of symptoms people discuss, though perhaps have had some of what seem like more outlier symptoms. Anyway, I did have some spotting recently after a few months without a period. Is that what you are referring to? To me, that seems normal as my cycle becomes more irregular and seems to be disappearing, and it wouldn’t be something I personally seek a doctor’s advice about, but you should certainly get any advice or diagnosis you feel necessary.

   4. I am fully in menopause and taking HRT (estrogen patch & progesterone daily). I have had some occasional spotting and was told it was normal on HRT, especially if you’ve had a dosage change or missed a dose.

   5. I’m on HRT (estradiol transdermal patch and progesterone pills) and had spotting that over many months turned into something like a one or two day period. I waited so long to see a doctor, and I thought it might be cancer. It was benign polyps. Had them removed through hysteroscopy.

   6. I just saw my GYN last week. I have been officially in menopause for more than 1 year. So that means more two years since ANY bleeding.

      Many months ago I had a tiny bit of blood I noticed after using the bathroom. Not even on my underwear. Just with wipe. None since.

      I mentioned it at the very end of the appointment, literally having forgotten about it and turned to me stone face and said “When?”. Then said – “There is no minimus when it comes to blood”. I am on HRT.

      He scheduled me for pelvic ultrasound ASAP after the holidays, and visit with him right after.

      We have a lot of cancer in my family, so I don’t usually hesitate when I have a concern. But I hadn’t thought this was important. Sure, it will likely turn out to be ok. But remember – all bleeding after menopause is abnormal. It doesn’t mean you definitely have cancer, but you should tell your doctor and let them decide.

   7. I had uterine polyps in my early 50’s, that in hindsight, were causing staining. I had a D&C to remove the polyps, and my “periods” and the staining stopped. Uterine polyps are as serious as colon polyps but they are an annoyance.

      1. Correction . . . uterine polyps are NOT as serious as colon polyps.

2. Good morning!
   Has anyone had a crunching noise in their neck? No pain, but my neck sounds/feels crunchy when I move it. I admit I look down at my phone more than I should, so I am working on that and improving posture. Just curious if anyone else has experienced this. I am 30.

   1. Yes. Started about your age. Consider yoga (including gentle neck stretches). I only get the crunchy sound and feeling a couple times a year now.

      1. I second the yoga recommendation. I used to have aches and pains and neck crunchies frequently and now it’s very rare.

   2. Yes, all my life. But also the rest of my joints have always been pretty crunchy too. Then diagnosed with “severe, advanced arthritis” at 40. Bleh.

   3. Yes, I foam roll, and I helps. I also had physio coverage and went recently another it was great. He gave me some movements to do through the day.

   4. Yes. You are developing some arthritis in your neck. Yes, you are right…. all of that looking down at the phone and bad posture at your computer/work-station contributes to this.

      Agree that yoga and anything that improves posture is helpful. Simple neck range of motion exercises. And if your neck is worse in the mornings, maybe you need a new/better pillow.

3. I think I want to shift from for-profit, private practice to either a federal government or non-profit legal position. I have zero trial experience (wrote motions and briefs as an associate, haven’t appeared in court since I became a partner). My law partners will be shocked if I do this – I’m successful, have a book- but I always told myself once I paid off my student loans I could shift to doing more “good.” The only pro bono my firm allows are family law cases (no thanks). Anyone make this jump? I’m thinking 1-3 years to give me time to figure out what type of role to consider, then switch.

   1. If it matters, I’m 38. Not ready to retire, but willing to live on less than I make now. (I’m in a small legal market so even though I’m doing very well here, I make less than an associate in biglaw).

      1. Hard to know how much you’re making and where you’re located, but you may not have a huge drop in salary, depending on your locality pay. IME, while there are many federal legal jobs outside of DC, most are in “regional HQ” cities. Most, but not all, federal offices have the same 10 regions and regional HQs: Boston, NYC, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Chicago, Dallas, Kansas City, Denver, SF, and Seattle. There may be field offices here and there with legal teams, but most will be in those cities + DC. I’m sure DOJ is an exception, but since you’re not a trial lawyer I’m assuming you’re not going the AUSA route.

         IANAL, but I work closely with my agency’s counsel in a regional office (not DC, not DOJ). I work in policy, so they review the memos and decisions my team and I write for legal sufficiency, they also review the programmatic team’s work for legal sufficiency.

         Obviously now is not an awesome time to join the feds, but I will say that becoming a fed was the best decision I made in my life. My pay is much, much better than I ever though public service pay would be, I have good benefits (though health is more expensive than people think! But, it’s comprehensive coverage and the other benefits (time off, retirement, flexibility) are great too), my work life balance is good. I love the work I do. I work with good people. I am lucky to work in a mission area that I’m passionate about. A win, win, win!

         1. I think these office locations are generally true, although there are some exceptions. IRS and EEOC are the big ones I know of which have offices in almost all states, but I would guess that neither is likely to have much hiring in the next administration. And the regional offices tend to be litigation jobs. The policy ones are in DC.

   2. I work in the environmental field and almost all the lawyers I know started here with two exceptions. One is a dyed in the wool environmentalist, 20+ year veggie, bikes in the snow, very hardcore type of guy, when he made to switch from corporate to NGO he won over everyone’s respect and thrived easily. The other one kind of seemed like she cared but ultimately really had trouble without having a bunch of admins/paralegals and couldn’t hack it, she went back to a corporate gig after about 6 months.

   3. I moved from a regional law firm to in house at a large non profit. The pay is better, the retirement contributions are amazing, the benefits are better, and the work is more interesting.

      Don’t waste three years pondering things. Start looking for jobs and apply to whatever is interesting to you, and when you find something that sounds good quit and never look back.

      1. Yes! Why wait?

         I made the switch also. I will note it’s easier depending on what area you’ve been doing so far. Civil litigation (except employment) is often not very sought out for in-house positions. If that’s what you’ve been doing, make sure you’ve got plenty of experiences with contracts, leases, etc under your belt and really understand with the NGO or company will need.

   4. Depending on your state/city, consider state and local government jobs! NYS is hiring like crazy right now.

      1. I would also consider big federal contractors.

   5. When I was in my early 40s I moved from being a partner at a midsized law firm to being a career law clerk (they call them judicial attorneys in my state) at our state’s Court of Appeal. I always said being a lawyer would be the best job in the world if there were no clients and no opposing counsel, and that job pretty much fit that description. It allowed me to learn all areas of law including family, dependency, and criminal law (I’d been a business litigator), and from there I was able to jump to another, bigger government job where I spent the rest of my career. Best move I ever made.

      I agree — don’t wait, just start looking at postings and applying for the things that look interesting.

      1. I have a friend who switched to being a judicial attorney in CA as well. She loves it

   6. Moving from a law firm to being a fed is super common

4. Kat, can we please please please get the next/previous links back at the bottom of the page? Or in both places? It’s not user friendly to have to scroll all the way back up when you are done reading the page and want to go to the next one quickly/easily.

   1. Agreed, this is very annoying, as is not remembering name and email, and the way that I keep accidentally hitting reply when I scroll on mobile. That happened to me a sometimes before the update, but it’s much worse now. It’s pretty much impossible to scroll without hitting it multiple times.

      1. Agree. The mobile experience is really poor, feels like you have to dodge the Reply button just to read comments.

         1. I hit the reply button on mobile ALL THE TIME and it’s so annoying.

            1. To be fair, I accidentally hit the reply button all the time before the change. I’m pretty much always on mobile

      2. Yes!! These two issues are driving me batty.

         1. So is the fact that days ago posts are appearing at the top of my list of recent posts while the last/latest one is actually several post pics down. And I agree I’m clicking the reply to comments much more via mobile than before updates.
            On a positive side, I like the font changes/ white spaces layout from the update.

            1. I also get confused by seeing this foto from previously

            2. I’m kind of confused by this – all comments and articles should be in order. Could you send me a screenshot? Kat at Corporette dot com. Huge thanks!

            3. I get the same thing on mobile – there used to be a banner up top with small squares that linked to old posts. Now there’s a page of them you have to scroll down past before you get to the most recent post.

         2. Same, same, same.

   2. I’ve found the easiest way to get to the next page is to press “back” in your browser to go to the home page, then click on the next post. I wonder if this counts as more “clicks” or traffic on the site, so the “next page” button on the bottom isn’t as much of a motivator.

   3. Thank you guys for your patience — I’ve asked my old tech team about the next/previous links, as well as the user email thing, and they cannot change those things. I’m in the process of moving to a new tech team, who are looking at all of the caching problems as first priority (such as when comments duplicate or replace each other), as well as the annoying “posting too fast” error. (If you copy what you were going to say and then refresh the page that usually fixes it in my experience.) We also have a bigger redesign scheduled soon so we can take another pass at previously/next type issues then.

      1. Thank you for listening, and for the update!

   4. I completely agree

5. How do you focus at work when you’re grieving? I anticipate losing a parent in the next two to three months, following a sudden stroke this fall. I can’t get tasks done. I sit in the office and do busywork. I answer my phone but any real deep work feels impossible. Help?

   1. I’m so sorry you’re facing this incredibly difficult time. Please remember to be kind to yourself as you navigate this season of grief. It’s important to carve out moments for yourself, even if it’s just stepping outside for a walk to get some fresh air. Sometimes, breathing exercises are helpful when you’re at your desk, but giving yourself the space to move, reflect, and let your mind wander can be even more restorative. If you can, consider taking a mental health day to recharge, though I understand that may depend on your available time. Grief counseling might also provide some valuable support as you process everything. I’m sending you my thoughts for strength, comfort, and healing as you walk this challenging path.

   2. Work has always been my place to get away from things and focus on something other than what’s happening. I’m not sure how to turn that on, but maybe decide it’s your outlet right now. Alternatively, take some time off and go spend it with your parent.

   3. You don’t – handle the busy work and delegate the deep work. You shouldn’t be expected to carry on as normal when you’re going through a personal crisis. Any reasonable employer would understand.

      1. Completely agree. Also take as much time off as you can.

   4. I try to break my days into pieces and think of things like shining a flashlight on one piece at a time. This gives me permission to “feel” what I need to feel and do so without guilt when it’s time. But for the rest of the time, my flashlight focuses on the one other thing and I try to keep that right in front of me. So much of grief is stress on feeling like you need to be doing something to “fix” what can’t be fixed or trying to accept the change—having dedicated time for my mind to freely wander and mull does wonders for relieving so much of the stress and helplessness, at least for me. I also try to be gentle on myself in off hours. I say yes or no to things with freedom of the moment. I don’t beat myself up for a chore not done. All energy goes to my flashlight and so I recognize off time needs to be its time to recharge.

   5. If you are in any kind of caregiving role, even if it’s just being a point of contact for your parent’s care team, are you eligible for intermittent FMLA? A colleague used it recently to deal with her parent’s needs (and her own) in the parent’s last weeks when there was no way she could be productive at work.

      Otherwise, delegate what you can and make sure your manager knows what is going on. In most jobs it’s fine to have brief seasons of life when we’re not able to give 100%.

   6. I have no useful advice but wanted to offer my condolences and sympathy. This is just so incredibly difficult. I am going through this right now (If you are the same poster, I have commented before). I lost my Dad, which we knew was coming) nine days ago while I was negotiating an international agreement overseas. I spent the weekend with a friend who has a lot of serious issues that need accommodating so wasn’t able to lean on her and am now back at work with my subordinate on emergency family leave and my boss on sick leave for two months as of today. My Xmas leave to be able to go home with my kids is threatened and I am just quite frayed and fragile. I am really struggling to keep on task (which is hard enough when you have to make Xmas happen for kids). I just keep trying to remind myself that the only way out is through but man I wish I has someone to lean on. My only strategy is to accept it is just awful.

      1. I’m so sorry for all your dealing with. Hang in there. Wishing you better days.

   7. This is just really hard and having someone tell you that might help. Probably for a year after I lost my mom, I would have moments of ducking into a bathroom stall and trying not to or actually crying. Grief brain fog is also a real thing. First, know that it takes time and to give yourself grace. Delegate what you can, but also there may be times when you just need the space to think about something not related to caregiving. Also, accept that you may just turn in good and not great work. That’s ok. No one is 100% all of the time. Use your time out of office to address your own health needs as well. Journal, talk with friends, grief counseling, etc. I listened to a lot of grief podcasts just to get through the day. Unfortunately, if you’re in a job where you can’t take a lot of leave, muddling through is the solution. If you have colleagues you can lean on, do that and know you will pick up someone else’s weight someday too.

6. I have a late January wedding in New England. I’m from North Jersey, so I know winter but I so rarely attend formal events in the winter and obviously a NE winter is different than a NJ winter.

   Dress code is cocktail attire and I have a dress to wear, but I’m wondering about a layer and shoes. I think I’ll want something to wear to the reception besides my coat. I’m thinking probably a leather or suede jacket, but not sure. I know my mother’s answer would be a wrap, but I don’t see many women my age wearing wraps as a layer at a wedding – it feels too old.

   Same dilemma with shoes – I usually wear open toe heels to weddings, but I won’t want to do that in January in NE. The only other heels I have are pumps for work, and wearing those to a wedding also feels “old” to me. I want something comfy (so with a strap) for dancing. I could do a sling back, but I’m not crazy about them. I like the look of the Vince Camuto Sorenn sandal, but previously had a pair that looked like that and didn’t find them comfortable (pinched my toes too much).

   1. Tights and a Heat Tech cami under your dress.

      1. Won’t this get too warm when I’m dancing? I wasn’t planning on wearing tights, but I could with my dress (obviously need to find the right shoes for that), but I can’t wear a cami under the dress I’m wearing.

         1. Yes, the idea of heat tech under a dress is so over dramatic I’m dying.

            Take a shot of tequila and dance,
            You won’t be cold.

   2. Bostonian here. As you will be indoors at the reception, I think you will be more warm and comfortable than you anticipate. High heeled sandals are generally too out of season to wear to a winter wedding, but a sling back or a festive pump will work well. Sandals might be ok…not for me, however. As for warmth: any sort of jacket or shrug type item will work, depends on your taste and style. You might not even need it! More importantly, what about your coat, boots, etc? You will want to wear warm boots and a warm coat to get to the venue, and then change your shoes. You will want a (in my opinion) a black bag that can hold your boots and be checked with your coat. Or hung on a hanger with your coat/next to your coat. And I hope you don’t need a hat, but if it is snowing, think about how to cover your head. Or bring an umbrella to keep your hair dry? It sounds like you are concerned about the reception, but venues are warm, and they heat up with all the people in them. Getting to and from is more of the issue! Also, New Englanders are hearty folks, everyone will be practical about coats and boots. Don’t worry about having a Dr. Zhivago look for your outerwear. enjoy!

      1. I wasn’t planning on changing shoes, but was going to wear a wool coat and then have the leather jacket or other layer there for when I’m indoors. I’ll be taking a shuttle to/from my hotel. I’m thinking everything will be such a short walk outdoors (hotel lobby to bus nearby in parking lot, bus to reception lobby and then in reverse). IME with wedding shuttles, they always pull right up to the door.

         I’ll bring my parka with me for the weekend (and gloves and hat and scarf and boots), but it’s also so engrained in me to NOT wear this stuff to formal events, hence the wool coat.

         Dress I’m wearing is spaghetti strap, so I’ll probably be fine in it indoors, but want to have sleeves if I’m chilly (I run cold so may want this during the ceremony or cocktail hour. I’ll absolutely not need it during the dancing portions!).

         1. You will probably be fine dashing from the bus to the venue, but watch the weather. You might want boots. With spaghetti straps, you will want something for the reception…whatever makes you happy! I think a wool coat is the way to go, with your jacket/topper as a first layer if it is super cold.

   3. My answer for wedding, formal, and cocktail toppers is the Caracilia Faux Fur Wrap.

      1. Oh that is much louder than my preference!

         1. It doesn’t read as “loud” when in person. Think, elegant and ridiculously comfortable. I’m fairly subdued and I love mine.

            1. Not who you’re replying to but I LOVE this. Thanks!

         2. If you don’t like it don’t buy it but the comment you left is unkind.

            1. What about that is unkind? The OP said it’s her preference. We’re allowed to have preferences.

               Also, loud is not an insult. She didn’t say it’s ugly or hideous or anything. Just that it’s louder than her preference.

            2. I’m sorry Caracillia. Your fur is beautiful

            3. It’s not like it’s bedazzled leopard print; “loud” was an odd choice of words.

            4. Saying something is loud is not unkind. The rejection sensitivity is certainly something.

               It reminds me a lot of Jennifer Coolidge’s character in 2 broke girls which is in line with the descriptor.

            5. Maybe loud isn’t the right word, but I was brought up to wear the real thing or don’t wear it. Obviously new real fur is not happening, but you can wear your grandmother’s mink or you can skip the fur.

               Even though I know that fake fur is trendy now, I can’t bring myself to do it. It will always be tacky in my book.

            6. Maybe you don’t like the word loud as a descriptor, but fake fur is a very bold look. It’s okay to not like that – I don’t like it either. It’s just not my style. That’s okay.

   4. Gently, you’re overthinking it unless the ceremony or reception is being held outdoors. I wear heeled sandals to winter weddings because I find closed toe heels uncomfortable. Just keep the rest of your outfit wintery (deeper colors, maybe a velvet purse). You’ll have to deal with a minute of being cold between the parking lot and venue entrance unless you want to leave a pair of boots at coat check. I suck it up when attending nice events during winter or have an uber driver drop me as close as possible to the door.

      I’ve never had an issue being cold indoors but a leather jacket or short, festive jacket is fine if you’re chilly during dinner.

      1. Yes, everything is indoors. Wearing a hunter green midi dress (spaghetti strap), and will be bringing a black leather purse. I run cold so always regret it when I don’t bring something to layer (I figure the temp is being set for the men wearing suits, not the women wearing sleeveless dresses).

         Like I said, I don’t really attend many winter formal events, but when I have attended them I dress for being indoors – open toe shoes and no tights. I didn’t think being in NE changed the calculus, but I wasn’t sure!

         I’ll be taking the wedding shuttle, which usually runs door to door, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem.

         1. I still see evening sandals without hosiery for formalwear in winter. A leather purse is not very dressy for a social occasion after 5:00, though. I would go with a fabric or beaded evening bag and a short faux fur jacket.

            1. It’s a 4 PM wedding / cocktail attire, so my purse is fine – I bring it to all non black-tie weddings I go to.

               Feels like I’m talking to my mother here :)

      2. yup

      3. Overthinking? The whole point of this board is to help other women navigate fashion choices in unfamiliar spaces and circumstances.

   5. While I’d never in a million years buy new fur, I would go vintage and get a fur wrap, capelet or stroller. Likewise, vintage or vintage inspired shoes that are closed heeled/toed would look great. The era when heating wasn’t as efficient is where I look when I want to look nice during the winter (northern US Plains state here, so big, long winter).

   6. I think the leather jacket will look strange, as if it’s the coat you wore outside and got cold inside. You should wear a wool coat to get to the venue. Then a dress, hose/tights, and a slingback or some other winter appropriate dress shoe. Bring a wrap, a sparkly cardigan, etc. for if you are cold during dinner.

      1. I don’t think a cardigan is ever appropriate at a cocktail dress code. Too casual, even if its sparkly.

         Wraps are fine, but I don’t see anyone my age wearing them at weddings – very much the parents’ generation look.

      2. Agree. A leather jacket is going to look super weird in January in the NE. That’s also less formal than a sparkly cardigan. Personally, I’d go with a faux fur jacket or wear a dress with sleeves instead. Or do a wrap that’s not like the pashminas of old but more heavyweight and substantial. In the balance, I’d rather look less “current” than totally out of touch with occasion norms.

   7. Faux fur jackets are trending and perfect for this.

      1. When I was in a sorority in college, we had this Emily post or Amy Vanderbilt book I don’t remember which. Among other things, it talked about the kinds of coats you could wear with longer dresses. The two options were a short fur jacket or a long cloak. I actually sewed myself a cloak. It was great.

         But I always remember that you can wear a short fur with a long dress and so I agree with this comment.

         I’m just a kid from the sticks, so having a guidebook for things like this just sitting there on the shelf was like unearthing knowledge everybody else seemed to be born with.

         1. And I guarantee you they were talking about real fur. Fake fur is tacky.

            1. I kind of think wearing the hide of a dead animal can be read as tacky too, but you do you.

   8. Faux fur is great. Also, I bought myself a velvet puffer jacket a few seasons ago and it has been a real wardrobe workhorse for winter events when I have to dress up. There don’t seem to be a lot of them for sale this year, but I found this one at Target for a gret price: https://www.target.com/p/women-39-s-velvet-bow-tie-puffer-jacket-future-collective-burgundy-xl/-/A-92291092?ref=tgt_adv_xsf&AFID=google&CPNG=Women&adgroup=258-6&gQT=1

      1. I’m sure its different since you’re in CA, but out here the wool coat is the staple for dressier winter events. Any sort of puffer is gauche at a formal event.

      2. This is super cute!

   9. Faux fur jacket, sequin jacket (J Crew has a cute one) or a dress with sleeves (I just attended an evening event in the Red & Pink Metallic Fringe Francie Long Sleeve Maxi Dress from Tuckernuck; received compliments all night and was comfortable dancing). Sling backs or closed toe pumps in a dressier material or color (patent leather, suede, sequin). I wore the Inez Cleo pumps – gunmetal color. Leather or suede jacket will be odd if you’re arriving to the wedding in a separate wool coat. It will look like you forgot to coat check.

      1. Patent leather is a summer material, not winter

      2. The J. Crew jacket has been on such super sale that I am tempted. I lent someone my go-to sparkly jacket (purchased at a consignment shop at least 20 years ago) and it was never returned, so I have a need but no event to motivate me.

   10. I pretty often see a leather jacket as a topper over a dressy jumpsuit or sometimes a dress. I don’t think that’s such a faux pas, especially since its cocktail attire but I am definitely in the minority here.

       1. It’s not dressy enough. It might be better if it were fall or spring. But a second coat during winter coat weather is really strange.

       2. That’s fine if you don’t think a leather jacket is dressy enough, but holy cow a cardigan is certainly also NOT dressy enough for cocktail attire

          1. You do get you are arguing with different people here, right? If you don’t want advice, maybe don’t ask for it.

             So far you’ve insulted something someone else owns, referred to someone as out of touch (no, the smiley didn’t help), and tried to pick a fight here over a cardigan I didn’t even suggest. I don’t think you need to worry about looking too old. Immaturity will shine through just perfectly.

7. I want to be the kind of woman who wears a full velvet tux to formal Christmas events.

   1. One of my law partners did. So chic!

   2. I do that sometimes, it’s a fun look. For a less expensive and still really chic version, Talbots makes a great one.

   3. J Crew Factory has a very similar suit with a fuschia option. Sadly mostly sold out though.

   4. You can be! All it takes is putting one on.

      1. THIS!

         1. YES!

      2. Ugh love this

   5. This is the kind of thing that I like to buy on sale in January/February. I have a beautiful velvet smoking jacket that is my current go to but would love to expand to this kind of tuxedo jacket too. It’s great dressed down too for non-work events.

   6. I have a longtime friend who is a concert pianist. Obviously you run out of looks for concerts pretty fast, but my favorite looks of hers are always very feminine tuxedos. She wore one showstopper taffeta tuxedo that was somewhat iridescent under the stage lights. She’s a role model.

      I, on the other hand, decided it would be a great idea to wear a stretch velvet two piece set for casual gatherings at home this time of year. I put it on expecting to be soignée and luxe and instead, BAM, Florida retiree.

      1. I would love to know where to find feminine tuxedos for concert black dress. So many female conductors wear truly horrific outfits that I assume nice feminine tux-like suits are all but impossible to find and must be custom made.

         1. She spends a lot of time in European capitals so that may have something to do with it!

8. Hi Hive… help me advocate for myself and ask my doc the right questions?

   I had some really low iron readings back in early October. B12, also. I’ve been on supplements for both since then as directed by my doctor. Should I be asking for a follow up blood test to confirm the supplements are enough/being absorbed? Anything else I should be asking?

   Not that Dr Google is reliable, I know, but I’ve read in more than one place that one of my results was low enough it might have been iron transfusion worthy, which then also makes you wonder what the root cause is and that supplements may just be a band aid (and my NP sister confirmed as much, said she might even refer to hematology if I was her patient, also admitting she doesn’t have my complete medical history)… so it got me spiraling, of course. My next physical isn’t for a long time so I don’t want to wait and they’re not exactly proactively reaching out to determine if there’s been improvement since adding supplements. I can definitively say that I’m not falling asleep in the middle of the day anymore, so they’re helping on some level.

   So, what am I asking my doc for? What words/questions do I use to not sound medically anxious (I promise I am not) but informed enough to make sure this is being thoroughly evaluated?

   1. Me and almost everyone I know is low on Iron, B12 and also Vitamin D. It’s very common and likely diet related. I would wait until next follow up if otherwise feeling good. If you really needed a blood transfusion I don’t think you’d be on this site.

   2. Did you receive a GI referral? I have always been a generally healthy person but at my last annual exam, my bloodwork returned horribly low iron, B12 and D. My PCP referred me to GI as an initial step. I had an endoscopy and colonoscopy. The endoscopy confirmed I have celiac. I am 42 and never had an major outward symptoms so it was a surprise but glad I know. Essentially, the damage has eliminated my ability to absorb minerals. It will repair once I follow gluten free diet. Good luck!

      1. Nope. Literally the only thing I was told was “take a supplement”. Nothing else.

         What am I asking my doc for? “Can we investigate if I have celiac?” Feels like a huge jump from just one low iron reading. Should I be getting follow up blood work to see if my iron is up? If it’s up, is that enough given the initial readings? I don’t need a referral to a specialist given my PPO plan but I’m also not wanting to go hog wild if it’s totally unnecessary.

         I’m also generally healthy, just turned 40. Major cancer history in my family so I’m monitored by a cancer center for screenings which started in my early 30s, but apart from that pretty healthy. I’m also on wegovy and losing weight (textbook PCOS here), which is why I though my iron might be a little low as meat isn’t super appetizing but I definitely eat it.

         1. They can definitely start with labs (e.g. parietal cell antibodies, Celiac panel, ESR/CRP) before jumping in with an endoscopy.

            If you’re in the USA, the last time the CDC checked 80% of Celiac was going undiagnosed, so the status quo is that we often do have to ask.

            1. Yup – in Boston, and being seen by my long-time PCP at MGH! So, theoretically very smart people but it’s an absolute machine and I need to speak up to get what I need.

         2. I would ask my doctor to recheck my bloodwork to see if the supplements made a a difference, and if not, I would go see a GI. I think the GLP-1 piece is relevant here as I thought that was a relatively common side effect of those drugs/weight loss generally and it might level off a bit over time.

            1. +1 to the GLP-1 being extremely relevant. There’s no need to go down the rabbit hole of testing for other conditions if this coincided with an extremely obvious reason why you’d both be eating less of these nutrients and absorbing them poorly. I’d start by testing to see if supplements help and then talk to the doctor who prescribed the drug. If that still doesn’t help, then you need to see a GI.

   3. I’d want to know whether and how they checked for pernicious anemia, Celiac, and IBD as potential causes of low iron and low B12. There’s a risk of treating low B12 with supplements when injections are needed or will eventually be needed. Unless you’re vegan or mostly vegan, the cause of low B12 wasn’t “not supplementing B12” and does need to be identified.

      Just be aware (some of my doctors were not) that there is no blood test that can confirm that B12 is being absorbed the way it needs to be since supplements can cause false elevations on labs. They used to use a nuclear medicine test to check absorption, but these days they just see whether injections or supplements helps the patient more in terms of symptoms. It is a good idea to monitor iron with follow up labs since it can be overdosed and since not every iron supplement formulation is effective for every patient, so they need to check how it’s going.

      1. +1 to follow-up bloodwork and pernicious anemia test. I have PA and it took three years of up and down with my B12 levels and injections for them to think of it. I didn’t even know it existed!

   4. I’d diligently take the supplements and then ask to retest after 3 months. If your levels are not up after that then I’d start digging deeper.

      Low iron is not uncommon in menstruating women. My understanding is they want to see failed supplement use before moving to an infusion primarily because of the expense.

      Low D is also common, especially in people of color. Low b12 can be from diet, especially in vegetarians. That said, it can also be poor absorption due to celiac, Ibd, etc.

      Don’t jump on me but I’d ask ChatGPT. I’ve had a lot of medical stuff going on in my family and it’s very helpful to both understand complex medical issues but also to advocate. I just went through a months long diagnosis with my child and I didn’t need to advocate because his team was proactive but I interacted with ChatGPT a lot to ease my mental burden and anticipate what was next. I found it in very close step with his doctor’s recommendations.

      1. Beware ChatGPT. ChatGPT very helpfully (/s) tried to teach me how to drink alcohol while using medication that doesn’t mix with alcohol without serious repercussions. It was ridiculous but also very dangerous for someone who might not know better.

         1. I wouldn’t take medical advice from it exclusively. It just helped me navigate and understand the long process to my son’s diagnosis. It also recently helped me advocate to my doctor and pose the right questions. I will defer to the doctor and not ChatGPT.

            1. Just so you know there are many errors in ChatGPT when it comes to the medical realm. And Google’s AI is worrisome.

   5. Just schedule another appointment for blood tests (I agree with above who said three months later). If there’s improvement then you’re good. If not then you discuss more with your doctor about root causes and solutions.

      Sadly our medical system is not set up to proactively reach out to you for this— only
      You can manage your health effectively.

      1. Please fact check the idea that “if there’s improvement then you’re good.” This isn’t accurate for B12 and is iffy for iron. Doctors who believe this are responsible for delayed diagnoses.

   6. Please ask your doctor about a GI evaluation. Unexplained anemia merits visualization of your GI tract to rule out a bleeding lesion. Signed, an internist

   7. Ask to have an iron test to see if things have changed and say you’re willing to pay out of pocket (magic words). Consistent low iron was what triggered my primary to order a colonoscopy—where they caught my colon cancer. No other symptoms/no GI issues I noticed at the time. Don’t do an infusion unless they know why.

   8. Yes, you should retest to be sure your B12 and Iron are moving in the right direction. 3-4 months is good.

      I still haven’t figured out why my Iron is still low, and will have an endoscopy soon to rule out celiac.

      Make sure to check to see if you are taking the Iron properly – check to see if it interacts with any of your other medicines. For example, I take calcium and drink a lot of milk, so I have to separate taking my Iron from my calcium/milk or it doesn’t get absorbed as well. Also, a few of my other meds also interact with iron, so I have to separate it from them too. It is kind of a pain, as I need to take iron twice a day.

      I also strongly recommend you ask your doctor prescribing your GLP-1 med for a referral to see a Nutritionist – ideally one working with other GLP-1 patients. There is going to be a huge surge of folks just like you showing signs of vitamin deficiency and other nutritional deficiencies (ex protein/fiber) which all cause their own complications. If you are going to be on these meds for life, then you have to learn how to eat carefully to get enough nutrition.

   9. I’m on B12 shots because I had classic deficiency symptoms like numbness in hands and feet before my levels were tested. Even though I’ve been on monthly shots for years, I still barely make the threshold for normal. So you may just want to advocate for the shots. Insurance often doesn’t cover them anyway so it will be out of pocket.

9. How can I not be Debbie Downer around the holidays re food? I recently gained a size via eating my feelings / grief. I am trying to take those off with exercise and reasonable eating. But so much of holidays and getting together is food-related and I’d rather just float under the radar with this. Advice? I just feel like hiding — yes, I’d love an Old Fashioned. I can be “driving” but politely declining anything but a sliver of pie or more deviled eggs or rolls just seems to make everyone’s antennae go up and I’ve had the sort of year I’d rather not rehash yet again.

   1. if you can manage having it in front of you and not eating it, i find it’s easier to just take it and then leave it on the plate, roll it around a little.. break it up….

      1. I sometimes take things on my plate I don’t even like (!) so something is there, but I know I’m not going to eat it!

         But honestly, I accept I will gain some in the holidays. It eat very modestly during the day so I can enjoy some great dinners/outings/family gatherings. I only eat the really good stuff that I love when I do splurge. Try to just leave the big potato off the plate. And try not to waste too much space on so-so bread, or honestly even the desert unless it is my favorite.

   2. I’m an expert at eating slowly. Try to choose the healthier options and take your sweet time. (Perhaps also an excuse of having eaten already like “oh, we had a holiday dessert tray at work and I couldn’t resist so no more fudge for me”).

   3. I have never encountered this and I turn stuff down all the time when/if I want to. There are all kinds of reasons you might not want a drink or food that no one would think twice about. Some that come to mind are, “I don’t feel like it today” or “Meh, I’m saving myself for this weekend” or “I have a thing later” or “I have to wake up early” or “I’m full” or any of the hundred other things you might say if you don’t feel like having whatever is offered. This is only a big deal if you make it one. Also, I am sorry you had a hard year. Go easy on yourself on this one, I promise you everyone else is :)

      1. agreed. Unless you have obnoxious people that police what you are or aren’t eating, it shouldn’t be a big deal to cheerfully say ‘oh, not right now, thank you!’.
         Not saying you do this, but I know people who would decline with an enormous sigh, or say something about how they aren’t allowed, or accept but make a big deal about cheating on their diet, or (maybe the worst of all), decline with some holier than though utterance e.g. ‘no thanks, sugar is really bad for you’. If you are not doing these things, your eating choices affect only yourself.

   4. Drinking is a depressant. If you’re already depressed, it’s not going to help. I find that it lowers my defenses in terms of eating as well so I just don’t drink when I’m depressed. Maybe that seems too simple but it works for me.

      Hope you feel better soon

   5. Carry a portable toothbrush with you and brush your teeth at every opportunity. It kills the desire to eat temporarily – indulge when you see something you really want, but I find that this helps avoid the things that are just there.

   6. I’m taking a medication that makes me feel nauseated a lot of the time, so I don’t want to eat much. One thing that works quite well to head off comments is to take a small-but-reasonable portion and just push it around your plate.

      Also I get a lot of sad faces from waiters and I just smile and say brightly, “It’s delicious but I just don’t have a big appetite!”

   7. Nobody is paying that much attention to what you eat.

      1. If only!

         1. The people who watch and comment will never be satisfied, though, so strategizing about how to respond is useless. Just give a polite “no thank you” and stick to it.

            1. This I can see. It does help me to gear up a little for it.

   8. Just say you’re not that hungry

   9. I did a strict weight loss journey last year with a goal of at least 1 lb lost a week. But for Thanksgiving to New Year’s, I gave myself a pass. I didn’t focus at all on losing, my only goal was to not gain any weight. That felt like a reasonable compromise so I could still enjoy the festivities without undoing all my hard work. I could be mindful about what I was eating without feeling deprived (oooh, grandma’s fudge! Yes, I’ll have one piece and really savor it, rather than having four pieces or none).

   10. Take a little of what you want and a little of what you would never eat. Enjoy what you like, and hold onto the plate with what does not interest you. Have a cocktail, if you drink alcohol, then switch to Spindrift, which tastes delicious and looks festive. Relax and have a good time. Interesting conversation and laughter pulls attention away from what goes into your mouth. Have a great time!

10. Overall does it seem like parent and child dynamics are different now than say the late 90s or early 2000s where kids aren’t as eager to get away from parents, home cities etc even for school?

    DH and I were noticing this at a holiday gathering for his side as he has older nieces and nephews. Every kid went to their state flagship u for college. Makes perfect sense with the skyrocketing costs of college – often it doesn’t make sense anymore to go out of state or private unless you get significantly money or if said private is like any Ivy or Stanford or something and you’re pursuing a career where prestige matters.

    Now though those kids and looking at med school, law school etc and DHs siblings have all taken the approach of go wherever it’s best for you, we’ll help, grad school is more worth the money. To a fault kids were like – my first choice is my hometown med school and second choice is the one an hour away. I know I want to end up in home city anyway so why go deal with something new for four years or be stuck in a far away residency. It’ll be so much easier to come home for a weekend or for the holidays if it’s an hour away and I’m not scheduling flights.

    DH and I were kind of surprised. Like these are 22-26 year old young adults. Yeah Charlotte is great but wouldn’t it be cool to go live in X for a while just because? Otherwise you’ll spend every single year of your life whether kid life or career life within an hour of home?? I mean I’m happy they’re happy but it struck us as a different vibe than we and our peers had in the late 90s where we were like eh I have my whole life to live in NJ, law school in Chicago, hmm let’s go.

    1. For med school, one thing can be that med school is difficult and it could be nice to have the support. For residency, do they have friends/romantic partners in the hometown as well? I think for residency you should live somewhere that is nice to live as an adult, since that is what you’re doing.

       1. When I was graduating college and applying to professional schools, the school of thought was to go to one near your hometown* so you could live at home and save on rent and living expenses during school. College and post-grad school were the times to go enjoy living elsewhere, but live at home and save money while incurring law school debt and build your local network

          *caveat that I’m from Philly, so there’s a wealth of school options here. You can go Ivy or you can go state school; there are several medical and law schools, in addition to other programs.

    2. yes 100p this is true. kids do not cut the cord they way they used to. signed: mom whose ninth grader never wants to go out.

    3. I have a kid in college and have definitely noticed that many of her peers are not motivated to seek independence. She is the only kid I know of who has ever been to sleepaway camp or any other residential summer program. Many of her high school classmates refused to get driver’s licenses. She is one of about five kids in her high school class of 600 who went out of state for college. Her cousin who graduated from college in May turned down a perfectly good job offer because he thought he could do better and is now unemployed and living with his college dropout girlfriend’s parents. He cannot drive and refuses to learn, even though he’s living in a car-dependent suburb. It’s all very odd to me. My GenX peers and I were all eager to drive, get jobs, and go to college far from home.

       1. obviously this is anecdotal but the idea of high school kids hanging out in the cold somewhere as opposed to being at someone’s house where their parents are has definitely changed. most people i know with high school kids have their kids with them on NYE. I would never stayed home with my parents in HS on NYE.

    4. I think you’re seeing what you’re looking for. But I’m also not fussed at a trend of children liking their parents and not running away the second they can, or thinking about cost when choosing higher Ed, or wanting to build local professional networks in school.

       1. As someone who attended college across the country I agree with this. The alumni network isn’t as large in my home city when job hunting and I have few college friends that live near me. In addition to out of state tuition costs there’s the expense of 6-8 flights each year. Shipping my belongings cost hundreds of dollars during move-in and move-out. It’s nice that I got to meet people from all over the country but I can see how practicality outweighs that.

    5. Yes. Those generation of parenting has mostly been a failure, IMHO. But . . . everyone is saving by sharing rent and cell phone and streaming accounts and having dad pay for health insurance through age 26, so overall the kids will be better off right? At least Mom will get a day on who Junior decides to date. right?

       1. I think the health insurance thing allows kids to refuse to get real adult jobs with benefits. My parents didn’t have health insurance and I was highly motivated to get a job with insurance immediately after graduation.

          1. I wonder how it works out on the population scale, since a lot of people in my generation just stayed in school to stay on good insurance.

             1. Really? That is the reason they sought higher education? If so, that is also a problem. Also, was there good insurance available after 18? I was thrilled to be able to keep my job’s insurance via COBRA and then private pY when I started law school, but most of my classmates had nothing but campus health services

             2. Wow – what generation are you? I never knew anyone to stay in school to stay on good insurance. I’m Generation X

             3. I’m the age cohort that graduated into a recession before the ACA.

          2. I was highly motivated to get a job after college so I could be on my own, at that age health insurance never occurred to me. It came with my job but I didn’t think about it at all.

             1. I think a lot of young people don’t think about it until something really costly comes up!

       2. We are one of a few countries where it is expected that young adults will go far away and never look back. It is the norm in many countries for families to live in multi generational households or within striking distance or each other and stay connected. Particularly with babies and young children this makes so much sense. Older parents now let the younger generation sleep together when home, understand the use of MJ, and are much more relaxed about lifestyle. It is not all bad.

    6. I honestly think cities were more cool and fun in the 90s. Between the pandemic, the housing crisis, gentrification, and the gig economy, I think the cities have a different vibe and aren’t as cool or such major concentrations of creative energy as they used to be.

       1. I agree, but that doesn’t explain why young people are not interested in adulting anywhere.

          1. I didn’t see the theme of adulting in OP’s question about med school and law school students.

             1. I’m not sure what bug reproduced the comment I was replying to. I was trying to say that I didn’t see the theme of adulting in OP’s question about med and law school students staying local.

          2. Our neighborhood had kids leave for college who cannot drive, have never driven, and have no interest in learning to drive. OK, fine, but we don’t live in NYC and you’re not going to college there and likely can’t afford to live there (at least in the neighborhoods you want to be in). I get that there were a lot of delays with COVID but these kids didn’t want to learn after returning home for the summer (in our state, at 18, you can just present yourself to the DMV and get a permit and then start driving with a second driver in the car and take the test when you want to).

             I threw my 14.5 YO kid into driving class the minute she was eligible. I get that at that age, no kid really has a plan, but I was wanting to keep every door open for the sake of her future self.

             1. I think a lot of this is the parent’s fault. My cousin wasn’t super interested in getting his license and his parents said to him that’s fine, but we’re not driving you anywhere after age 16. You can learn how to drive, make it work with walking/biking/limited public transportation, or set up carpools for yourself.

             2. I hear you, and I’m sure you were able to assess your kid’s readiness, but at the same time I’m still thankful whenever someone who has no business driving stays off the road, whether they’re struggling with ADHD, dysautonomia, or the side effects of psych meds they’re on, or whether they’re just not mature enough yet. I really think it’s safer for some kids to wait vs. how things were when I was a teen.

             3. 11;57, that should be an outlier circumstance though, not emblematic of a generation.

             4. +1 that I’m really grateful for people staying off the road if they feel like it’d be better if they didn’t drive. Now, if only the over-confident people who shouldn’t be driving would also refrain…

             5. I think we’ll only be able to assess the full impact of the pandemic in retrospect, but it may just be an outlier generation.

             6. It’s absolutely partly the parents’ fault. There’s a real hesitancy to push kids to feel any discomfort among Gen X parents. I see it as a huge failure to allow your kids to opt out of learning how to drive while they are under your roof. And while it’s great to be more aware of, and gentle with, mental health issues, there is a point when accommodating anxiety and lowering expectations does more harm than good.

                I’m an elder millennial parent and thankfully we are starting to see the pendulum swing back. I am super happy to remain close with my kids and have them with me on NYE, though!

          3. Part of it, I think, is the chance of having your every shenanigan broadcast on the internet. I’m genX and recently went back to school full time – my grad school cohort was MUCH more risk averse than I was at that age, and in some ways still am. They were overall great and had their stuff together much more than I did at that age, but the risk aversion really did stick out to me.

             1. This is so true. I’m glad that photos of me dancing on tables are just that – not viral on TikTok.

             2. Risk aversion due to the internet is real. Getting too sloppy drunk and saying something dumb can ruin you life these days if someone films it, no thank you.

       2. Pre-Amazon and streaming, it was really quite difficult to find stuff outside the mainstream if you liked odd books or odd movies and didn’t live in a city. I remember driving into Baltimore (and sometimes into DC!) from our suburb with my dad so we could see some movie we’d read about in a magazine or heard about on NPR. Even something fairly mainstream (e.g., Shakespeare in Love) wasn’t playing for more than a week or two at the multiplex. Now you can just search the major streaming services. Never mind things like coffee shops with decent coffee or non-chain restaurants.

          1. This is such an interesting take, and something I hadn’t considered! I bet you are onto something with this.

    7. i grew up on the east coast where there was definitely an attitude of go wherever for college. i now live in TX where people are like, if i cant get into dental school here, i’ll just pick a different career (and not bc they can’t afford out of state dental school, but bc why live anywhere else). i actually think the reverse makes more sense. if they know they want to end up in home city it makes sense to do grad school near home city or in that state, especially if you aren’t going to like Harvard law, and would’ve made more sense to go away for undergrad. if you think you want to end up in home city and you go to med school in chicago, you might meet a spouse who does not want to move back to your home city, etc. I realize it is privileged to be able to go away, but if possible, i do think it is sad to spend your entire life in a one hour radius. i also think this has implications in terms of polarization and people having more trouble relating to people who are diff than them etc.

       1. I used to feel this way (that it was sad or reflected poorly on people if they wanted to stay put), but I try to take Chesterton’s old truism about urban elite provincialism of the soul to heart, since cosmopolitans have their own areas of narrow mindedness, and I think it’s easy to have sour grapes about what we sacrifice by not putting down roots.

       2. I live in a tiny town far away from where I grew up, where even some of the best students want to stay put when they graduate high school. My advice is always to go live somewhere else for a while and if you want to come back, great, (or go to a different small town, or decide bigger cities are right for you), but the way to improve life here in the tiny town is to come back with skills and ideas if you do decide to come back.

          1. I’m from a small town and I feel the same way. It’s good to try something new, especially since I think there are a lot of regional cultural differences in the US and plenty of it isn’t actually bad, it’s just different.

             While I’m happy as a city mouse, I have friends who moved back to our town or moved to similar kinds of towns. I also grew up with people who really had no opportunity to leave our town because of family obligations or life circumstances.

             1. Agree (I’m the 12:12 anon). I grew up in a small town, and couldn’t wait to leave, but work and circumstance has landed me in an even smaller town after living in cities of varying size for the last 20+ years. My thinking has evolved quite a bit over the years and the death of tiny towns is where there’s no exchange or welcoming of people/ideas from the outside. The overall population doesn’t necessarily need to increase/decrease, but the the towns who do well, embrace and are at least willing to engage with those who move there, or move away and come back. Those that don’t, stagnate, and are where dreams go to die. My town now is at a bit of an inflection point in that regard. It has so much potential, but the inertia/complacency is strong.

       3. The future spouse thing is big. If you move for med school from age 22-26 you might have to move again for residency from 26-30, then possibly another time for fellowship from 30-32. My friend is a married to a doctor and they’ve lived in three different cities since undergrad. They don’t like the fellowship location and will probably move again once that program ends. She’s sick of it and wishes they hadn’t relocated so many times. Eliminating one of those moves is a reasonable choice.

          1. Well, medicine is tough. You don’t always have as much choice as you would like.

    8. Charlotte person here and this is the first time in my family’s history where we live in a city that our kids could realistically stay in. It’s nice and yet I’d like them to leave home from 18-30 and then return with grandkids. But if they are local (UNCC, Queens, even WF, UNCG, UNC, NCState) or local-ish for college and come back, we definitely don’t want us to start by living with us — there are fun pockets of the city and while they can stay for a bit (lease is up; saving up for a house), we want them out of the nest so that we and they know they can do it solo (which, eventually, will happen).

    9. I’m 30, have always been independent to a fault, and see both sides of this.

       I went to a college an hour away from home, which surprised me. I couldn’t wait to get away, but it ended up being my favorite option / I got great aid making it more affordable / well ranked in my major. I never came home except for school breaks – I think there were two non-break weekends I came home in all 4 years of college and it was for my cousin’s wedding and my grandfather’s 90th birthday – things I would have come home for even if I lived on the other side of the country. I also only lived at home for 1 summer of college: spent one summer working/doing research on campus, one studying abroad, and one working at the beach and living with friends.

       I then moved 3-4 hours away after college. I thought I’d stay in that city forever, but I learned that a) I didn’t love living away from family and b) I didn’t love that particular city. At first I thought I”d stay in that city in my 20s but then relocate back to my home city when it was time to settle down (I knew I wanted to raise my kids near my family – grew up that way and loved it. Was heartbroken at colleagues saying they saw their parents once a year). I stayed for 2.5 years and then moved back to my home city – I realized I didn’t want to “restart” at 30 something when I relocated back – if I wanted to build my life in my home city why not start doing that sooner rather than later? So, I moved back here in my early to mid 20s and it was 100% the best decision I’ve made. Not only is my social life here great (about 50/50 mix of people I knew from before I moved and new to me friends), but it’s nice to know that these friends are also local and also sticking around – I’m able to build social roots that will last for the rest of my life. Dating hasn’t been super successful for me yet, but whoever I date is okay with living in this city because they’re already here – I wouldn’t have to hope someone I’m dating is okay with relocating later. I love being near family – some months I see them several times, some months I hardly see them, I’d say on average I see them every other week. I live downtown which is about 40 minutes from my parents and brother. I have been working in this city for a while and developed a good professional network, I did grad school here which has helped with that network. There’s a lot of questions here about choosing graduate/professional schools and the advice frequently given is to go to school where you want to work – it’ll be easier to break into the professional world when you’re local.

       I had no interest at living at home post-grad (my sister did though and now she’s saved up a great nest egg for a downpayment), but I did live at home for 3 months when I first moved back so I could figure out where I wanted to live/find a roommate. I’m debating moving home for ONE year to save for a down payment, but I think it’ll be too hard to leave living downtown walking distance from all of my friends so I don’t think I will. It’s nice to have that option if I want it.

       Unfortunately, my last two living grandparents passed away when I was living in the other city. I did definitely regret being further from home during that time, which did impact my decision to move home. I now have an aunt that I’m very close with who has been sick and it’s been nice being close enough to visit often.

       I thought about moving across the country maybe 3 or 4 years ago (with the goal of moving back after a few years), but decided that I didn’t want to start over socially and professionally in a new city / spend the money moving / have to spend money and PTO to see my family. Especially if you’re doing your residency when your schedule is so rough, its quite likely that you won’t be able to get home for holidays with the schedule.

       Living near family has been logistically so easy. As long as I don’t live with my parents, I get along with them really well so it’s fun to see them and go grab a beer or something. I don’t have to take PTO for holidays or spend money on expensive holiday week flights or fight traffic. I just drive 40 mins or hop on a 25 min train and I’m there. I know I’ll be thankful to be close to home when I need to step into a care taking role with family and/or when I have kids and need their help.

       Everyone says making friends as an adult is hard – and it is. I definitely struggled with it in my first city. I have such a great group of friends here, I can’t imagine wanting to start over with that.

       I think it makes a lot of sense to start setting down roots on the younger side if you know where you want to end up. It’s just hard to establish yourself once (socially, professionally, financially, romantically), why do it more than you need to?

       1. And to clarify here: I got my license the first day I was able (and was p!ssed that my 16th birthday was on a weekend and the DMV was closed and I had to wait one whole extra day to get my permit) – even though I never had a car in HS I was usually able to borrow a parent’s car on weekends so I was never home.

          I couldn’t wait to go to college and really thought I’d go much further away than I did, but I definitely treated it like I was far away.

          My mom jokes that I will come home engaged one day, because while I’m close with my parents and enjoy them and spend time with them, I’ve always treated my personal life as something that’s a need to know basis. They assume I’m dating / socializing / traveling / not broke / making decent enough decisions but we’re not enmeshed, so they don’t know details.

       2. I grew up with an extended family that lived really far away and we saw them, at best, once a year. I’m a GenX and plane tickets were expensive. We all called and wrote letters and kept in touch quite a bit. There were a few branches that didn’t do that but I doubt I would’ve seen much of them if they lived down the street.

    10. I graduated from public high school in 2001 in California, and the vast majority of my classmates wen to UCs or CSULBs. Sure, some went out of state, but most stayed relatively close by. And there is a huge contingent that returned after college and still lives in the same area where we grew up. (I don’t, but I don’t think my experience is better or worse than theirs.) All of that is to say, that I am not sure that this is really anything new.

        1. In CA most state schools will be hundreds of miles from home.

           1. What? No they aren’t. They’re in just about every single part of CA, there are 3 within 30 minutes of my house now and 5 if you drive an hour.

              1. They’re more concentrated in SoCal and not very close to the most northernmost parts of the state, where Humboldt is your only “nearby” option, and it’s not even that nearby.

    11. It’s the economy. People don’t realize how much the economy you grow up in and come off age in affects how you approach life. These kids have always lived in an economy where things are getting harder and harder for average people, and so taking risks like moving away from family for college is just that much riskier, and for no discernible payoff. I also think that the economy has led ever older people to be a little less individualistic and a little more clannish. (Less donations to the food bank, keeping the big house so that if any of their kids lose their job there’s room for them.)

        1. Yes perhaps but also I feel like young people think they require top of the line living – homes appliances not having roommates etc— which keeps them living with their parents.

           The idea of slumming it in your own rental with roommates because the payoff of independence was worth it seems to have really declined.

           1. That’s kind of how it works when prices go up though. It’s less “worth it” because it just plain costs more.

           2. yes – I’m 30 and I feel like I’m at the very young end of people who wanted independence > nice things. Some of my younger friends / cousins are content to live at home because that means they a) live somewhere nicer and b) have money to spend on clothing or trips or concerts. It’s not like they’re living at home to save money to pay down student loans or save for a downpayment the way that my (very few) friends who lived at home did.

              As a result, these younger folks don’t really understand having to make trade offs. I’ll talk about how I’m not traveling for the foreseeable future (except for weddings) because I want to save up for a down payment / I mostly buy my clothes on the cheap (on sale, at Old Navy, or thrifted) because a $100+ top from Revolve is not in my budget / I always pack a lunch and coffee for work and they just stare at me.

           3. You seem to be confusing millennials with Gen Z. Gen Z does not give a crap about that stuff.

              1. No – I think millennials were much more independent than Gen Z and thus willing to make tradeoffs. I’m 30, so a very young millennial. My millennial cousins and I all moved out at 22 while my Gen Z cousins all still live at home. At home they get a nicer / bigger house. They have money for luxuries they wouldn’t have if they were out on their own. They don’t have to cook or clean or really do any chores or pay for anything (I absolutely get not charging your kid rent, but the 24 year old living at home can pay their own car insurance!!!)

              2. Is Gen Z moving out? Millenials did.

              3. You know the youngest millennial are 28, right? Oldest millennials are in their 40s. Basically, if a kid was in K-12 for 9/11 they’re a millennial.

                 As a young millennial with student loans, a bunch of us lived at home for a year or two after college but we all got (shared with roommates, not very nice or big) apartments downtown by 24 or maybe 25. My Gen Z siblings (25 and 27) live at home and all of their friends live at home. My one brother really wants to move downtown but hasn’t because none of his friends are interested in moving out.

              4. GenZ are the kids still living with their parents when they ought to have their own places. Millennials mostly moved out.

              5. Dude I remember when everyone was complaining about Millenials living at home for too long. Give it a rest, y’all. You sound ancient.

        2. I think the hanging onto the large house is so we can age in place. And not donating is because health care costs are rather intimidating, and only partially covered by Medicare and the associated insurance.

           1. Yeah but downsizing used to be the plan for seniors wanting to age in place – something smaller that’s easier to maintain, one-floor living, smaller yard. Condos were super popular for this.

              My parents bought their ranch in the early 90s in their early 30s because it was one floor living so they could age in place. Most people plan on moving at some point and buy accordingly (though for my parents, this is their starter home/forever home/age in place home). Older adults aren’t leaving their typical “second homes” (3k square ft 4bed/2.5bath colonials – not a place to age in place), so the young families can’t buy those houses so they’re staying in their starter homes, which means the younger families can’t get starter homes.

              And don’t tell me that you can’t donate $10/mo to the food pantry because of future healthcare costs. $120/year is not bankrupting anyone.

              1. Yeah, aging in place requires extensive renovation or moving to a smaller place. The economy right now, people can’t afford to renovate and it’s a tough pill to swallow to downsize and spend more than you spent on your house on the smaller condo, and with a 6% interest rate to boot. I don’t blame folks for not moving, but I pity their children when aging hits hard.

    12. In order to have independent adults, you need to start raising independent kids*. There’s a post on the mom’s page today about should we allow our 4th grader to have an email address. While I understand the concerns about stranger danger online, there’s a great response saying its important for kids to have outlets and ways to communicate with friends and family outside of parents and school. Yes!!! This is how you start fostering independence!

        *All that to be said – you can stick around in your home metro area and still be independent. I went 2 hrs away for undergrad but moved right back to my home city after college and never left but I’d still consider myself quite independent – I haven’t lived at home since the summer after graduating, I’ve done all of the “adulting” on my own, I see my parents here and there but I’ve got my own life which keeps me busy.

        1. Completely agree with all of this. I’m a child of the 90s, moved out of my parents house when I went to college and never spent the night there again, but I stayed in the same metro area. We’re close, like the poster above, I just came home married one day, I’ve always been very independent. I think we’re seeing something different now though. It’s not all bad and not all good either.

    13. I actually think it’s great that they know where they wanna live. I have kids in that age range and they pretty much know already. Maybe they’ll change their minds in the future.

        Anyway, once you’re working, the company moves you around like a game piece on a chessboard anyway.

        So let them do what they want. They’re old enough to make their own decisions without some crotchety friend of their parents sneering at them about their choices.

        1. Do people really move for work like that?

           I’m 30, went to a good school / my friends and I all have good jobs and no one has been moved by their company. I have plenty of friends in management consulting who travel 75% for work, but they don’t have to move. The sole exceptions here are: friends doing residencies (but at least they decided where to apply for residency) and my one friend who is a military officer. Friends in finance, public accounting, consulting, law, government, tech, other types of healthcare, etc. don’t have to move.

           1. I’m old and always refused that kind of corporate pressure. Quit jobs before I’d move. Still ended up a SVP so didn’t hurt my career one bit.

              1. +1

                 I work in county government so literally could not have to move for work, but both of my parents turned down promotions and/or quit jobs so they didn’t have to move. They’re doing great now, but to them having roots/staying near family/raising the kids in one place was always more important than climbing the ladder. I’m glad they took that approach!

              2. +1 to quitting a job that wanted me to move. Most people don’t *have* to move for work, it is simply a choice.

                 Over my dead body was I going to uproot my children and raise them away from extended family and friends and community.

           2. Yes – for various reasons, we don’t all have the kind of political capital some here take for granted. I’ve moved many times for work with varying degrees of success. One does have to be discerning about promotion potential of move n+1…. are you being sent to Siberia or is it a stepping stone. I’ve done both and sometimes experience is the only teacher for figuring out which is which.

              1. Love when olds brag about their power. I’m also an old who said no a bunch of times. But when you’re a 20 something in a not so great economy and the boss tells you that your job is moving to the Midwest, take it or leave it, you move to the Midwest. Actual example from my early career days. Midwest office space was cheaper than our coastal city.

           3. My brother works in construction management and his old company moved him about once a year (this is part of why he now works for a different company.)

           4. My dad was asked to move for work when I was a kid and he quit. My husband and I have done the same. Live your life where you want to live it. There will always be a way to earn money. I’m an elder millennial btw.

        2. I posted above that I moved back to my home city at 24 because I knew this is where I wanted to settle down. My mom still (at age 30!) will say something along the lines of “who knows where you’ll end up”. I laugh – mom I will end up here. I made several major life decisions all focused on settling up in this metro area. I am not leaving.

    14. I feel like this is cultural/regional and not a new thing. I graduated high school in 2003 in the Midwest and in my graduating class of ~450, I think less than 10 went out of state for college and almost all moved back home after graduation. Almost everyone married high school or college sweethearts and bought houses in our home town, often within walking distance of their parents. There’s a line in a Dixie Chicks song about high school classmates buying houses in the same zip code as their parents that perfectly describes my experience. I settled back in the Midwest (different state though) after long stints on opposite coasts, and my best friend moved to Europe and stayed there, but we were the anomalies for sure.

    15. Parenting and independence have changed – it’s a combo of things including cell phones and the gravitation towards in state schools even for well to do families with good students. I mean it makes perfect sense that with sky high tuition there’s no reason to go get an undergrad bio degree at Boston University when the same degree is offered 20 min away at UNC Charlotte and you have years of med school expenditure ahead of you. The only families for whom that kind of expenditure makes sense are those who are so well off that money is no object.

        But the reality is independence begets independence. When you were 18 and were at BU a 2 plus hour flight away from your parents and it was pre cell phone era or at least texting wasn’t cheap, you HAD to figure things out on your own because mom and dad simply weren’t there and could not stop by on a Wednesday night to help you. You didn’t realize you were gaining independence and confidence but you were and all those little experiences were going into a bank building you up for the next thing that went wrong. So fast forward 4 years, med school or law school rolls around – if one accepts you in Chicago that’s good for you, the last thing on your mind would be the hassles of holiday travel home or not getting random weekends at home – because you didn’t have that for 4 years anyway and were fine.

        Add to that cell phones – parents are available to kids 24-7 now. They rarely solve problems on their own because why do that when you can just ask mom and dad whether you need to go to the financial aid office or the doctor or what you should tell the doctor. And going to college within an hour or two, I’ve seen a lot of parents VERY happy to stop by school any time to help with whatever furniture needs to be moved, whatever problem the financial aid office is giving the kid, or whatever item needs to be bought that is just easier to get in person. So yeah you end up with 24 or 26 year olds who at some level are thinking – I’d have to deal with the rigors of med school AND things like dating, making friends, and working out AND do this normal life stuff on my own in Chicago? Uh why there’s a med school 30 min away. Granted I’m not saying anyone is turning down Harvard or Hopkins Med here but I do think students who are on a more regular path are more likely to say eh UNC Med vs Pitt Med, it isn’t that big of a difference.

        1. I think this is spot on.

        2. Was it fine? Growing away from my family felt fine at the time when I was busy, but now I have more regrets.

        3. As a parent I think cell phones have a lot to do with it. When I was in college I called home on a landline every other week, using a calling card for the long distance charges. Now my college kid can text or call me at any hour with questions about her coursework (she conveniently chose the same two majors as I did) or how to perform basic life tasks. I strategically ignore many of these texts and calls so she’ll have to look it up or figure it out herself, but she still tries to get me to give her the answers.

    16. I think parenting is incredibly different now. Most parents I know are more like besties, not authoritarian in any way. One example in my family – kid wants to go to med school. Has the grades and MCAT to make it happen but is goofing around on applications, timing etc. in part because he’s super confident he’ll get in to his undergrad’s med school anyway. Well rolling admissions – he did not. He moves home to mom and dad – no job, no plans to get a job, no further schooling. Just chilling, working out, watching Netflix, ordering Uber Eats all the time on dad’s credit card. He ended up living this life for two years until he finally got himself accepted. His parents approach – we don’t say anything, we don’t want him to feel bad that he didn’t get in. If anything the parents lavished him further – constantly cooking his favorite foods, taking him on vacations.

        Uh sorry but this would not have been my parents’ approach to anything circa 2002. They would have reminded me routinely that I didn’t get in because of my own goofing off and also insisted that I get a job whether professional or stocking shelves someplace, and they wouldn’t have cared that it made me feel bad. That type of negative parental pressure for my generation made us determined to keep moving forward on our own – because we didn’t want to hear it from our parents. This particular generation has parents that are friends who don’t discipline or lecture the same way.

        1. Yeah, as the oldest sibling one thing that’s glaringly obvious is that my parents have changed how they parent between me becoming an adult and my brothers becoming adults. My friends and cousins who are the oldest notice the same thing.

        2. Yeah, as the oldest sibling one thing that’s glaringly obvious is that my parents have changed how they parent between me becoming an adult and my brothers becoming adults. My friends and cousins who are the oldest notice the same thing.

           My brothers are pretty responsible AND my parents haven’t changed that much but in talking with friends they hardly recognize how their parents are handling their young adult siblings. So much coddling.

    17. Honestly I think parents are just much less abusive than they used to be. Everyone I know who was ‘independent’ and ‘mature’ wasn’t actually, we were just running away from alcoholics and beatings. I really don’t blame my nieces and nephews for staying with their parents for longer, it saves them money and they aren’t facing physical or psychological harm by staying.

        1. This.

        2. spot on

    18. This is true for last generation or so
        I’m 45 and went to a sleep away summer camp that had regional camps for 3-8th graders and then 8-12th graders went to 1 national camp in upstate New York.

        15 years ago, the consensus was that parents were less likely to send kids to 1 national camp in New York, and even maybe to sleep away camps more than say 5 hours driving away – a big deal in Texas, California, or the Midwest – and the whole camp system reorganized accordingly.

        Similarly many big name colleges prefer to be opening part time programs or online campuses rather than expecting students to come to them, because they may not

    19. Our 25 year old wasn’t raised with cousins around and no siblings. He has masters degree, a good job with insurance, and lives 2 hours away. He travels, has friends, and has plenty of hobbies but still likes to spend time with us. It’s not a failure to want to be around your parents.

    20. I didn’t grow up in a city so that wouldn’t have been an option for me. I also grew up in a small town where many in my high school didn’t attend college at all. But if they did and are living in that town or nearby, they probably are fairly limited in career opportunities (less than 10,000 people). They would certainly have more opportunities an hour away, but still not the size of a city like Charlotte. So I think that shapes reality for one thing.

        The other is that I don’t live near where I grew up because I want a completely different lifestyle. I want to have access to cultural events and a variety of foods and exposure to people from lots of backgrounds. Plus an airport so I can travel. Not everyone wants that lifestyle. I went back home to live after college because I couldn’t afford rent in NY without a job and stayed at home to care for family. But I left the first chance I got after that and have never wanted to go back.

    21. Bleeding after menopause can be endometrial cancer. Get it checked asap.

11. I can’t believe I am asking about this, but in case I decide to file for divorce, I have some questions for those of you who have done it. We have a toddler and a very happy relationship of a long time, but my husband’s depression and insistence that he doesn’t need any help is wearing on me hard. We spent the covid lockdown in a one bedroom condo without any fighting and it was the best time ever, but I am tired of constant pointless fighting now and I am thinking through the practicalities of what if I decided to divorce.

    We have a joint bank account, credit cards, investments, a mortgage on a house, and basically shared everything. I know I would need to meet with a lawyer in my area to discuss specifics. I am trying to think through the practicalities, however. Since we have shared accounts in every way, any lawyer or anything I pay for will be obvious. Because I know this issue will be raised, I am not scared or anything, but I want to keep my thinking private if I were doing this.

    Most importantly, how do people handle child custody after telling a spouse you’re filing for divorce? I am not going anywhere without my child. He will feel the same way, I think, so what do we do? This seems mind-bogglingly difficult to figure out to me. I would appreciate any stories or practical tips or things to keep in mind from people. Thank you!

    1. What do you mean, “I’m not going anywhere without my child”? Are you planning on moving to another city or are you wanting to share custody?

       Because if it’s the latter: your choices are to stay married or share custody. Perhaps you could make a long, hard fight for sole custody (with visitation) based on your husband’s depression, but that’s dicey. The courts would also grant substantial visitation in the best interests of your child.

       How to handle? You just do it. You meet with an attorney, pay for the retainer, acknowledge that your husband will see the charge, and then you file. Ideally, agree on custody sharing during the proceedings; if you can’t do that, the courts will get involved.

       IMHO – lawyer who is going through a divorce – unless there is DV or a substantial risk of the other parent taking a kid to a non-extradition foreign country, all of the intrigue and such around meeting with lawyers and filing is wholly unnecessary. Your husband will be represented in the divorce if he chooses to be; if he needs more time to file an Answer to your petition because he has to find and vet lawyers, your attorney will almost certainly grant it; nothing much changes except for the level of drama. In no-fault divorces, there is no real advantage to filing first.

       If you’re really concerned, get some cash and pay for the initial consultation with a cashier’s check or a prepaid credit card, or give the cash to a friend and have her book it on her card. Your attorney can advise you on how to take money from joint accounts for use during the proceedings. (Advice: always be the adult in the room. It matters far more than you might think.)

       Sorry for being blunt in this comment; it’s coming off that way and I’m struggling to buff out the linguistic edges.

       1. I read this as she won’t want to move out without her child. I don’t know enough about the immediate child custody arrangements, but once you start legal proceedings and whatnot you need to be prepared for joint custody (likely to be 50-50). You are absolutely entitled to do whatever you want, but you cannot have your cake and eat it too – if you want to divorce you should start mentally preparing for not having your child 50% of the time.

          1. +1

             If you want to be with your young child 100% of the time, that is not likely to happen if you divorce.

             1. This. Absent your husband being an unfit parent (depression does not make someone an unfit parent), you’ll be sharing custody.

       2. My guess is that she wants to keep the attorney consultation private because she’s not sure she will file, and she wants to weigh her options without his finding out because there is a chance she will stay if the attorney advises that she won’t get full custody of the kids.

    2. I went through this — divorced when my kid was 2. All finances were combined, we owned a home, etc.

       The day I was going to tell him, I withdrew some cash, opened a new bank account with it, and changed my direct deposit to go there. After the initial shock of everything, few days later, we sat down and divided up the cash assets and agreed on temporary shares for household expenses until I could move out. He switched his direct deposit to his own newly opened account and we moved money out and closed the joint checking. After paying shared balances, I took him off my credit card and he took me off of his.

       We did not have much in the way of cash at the time, so I took a loan from my retirement account of about $10k. I used that money to find a 1 bedroom apartment near our shared home and furnish it with mostly used furniture. It took me a bit over a month to make that happen due to the real estate market in my area. I only bought what I absolutely needed, as needed, and conserved cash. We initially talked about selling the shared home, but then he decided to buy out my share (he could afford it, I could not). I let him keep almost all the furniture and housewares, and he gave me a token amount for it. I wanted to start over though from an emotional perspective so I didn’t mind. It also made moving out way easier and minimized disruption to the toddler.

       We agreed to split custody 50/50 with a rotating schedule. Our kid was confused at first but adapted quickly. Friends were shocked but really came through for me — taking me out for food and drinks, helping with the move, etc.

       A few years later I moved to a bigger place. But in the beginning I was very very conservative with my spending to save cash, pay for the lawyers, etc. We did a mediated divorce, which was relatively cheap. We did argue about some assets which ended up costing a lot in lawyer fees and stress.

       This was 10ish years ago and I’m SO MUCH HAPPIER now. Kid still has moments when it is hard for them, but is mostly fine. We are both remarried and much happier than we ever were together. Not sure if divorce is the right move for you, but that’s my story.

       1. Oh and I was surprised to learn that in my state, I am entitled to child support because my ex makes 3-4x more than I do, even though we have 50/50 custody.

       2. My divorce from my first husband was also mediated in fairly easy as yours was. We didn’t have a child, but we did have a home that we own together. I bought him out of it and I didn’t have the money to do it. He let me sign a promissory note to him until i could retitle the house in my name and then refinance and take cash out to give him his portion. We did this in a period when the market was not on fire so we didn’t have that much equity to be honest. Basically just our down payment plus interest.

          He took all the “stuff” from the house as a final screw you on the day he moved out, but it was just stuff, (All the furniture, all the bedding, towels, everything in the kitchen, everything in cupboards, you get it) and I moved on. It was tough, but still the best thing I ever did.

    3. You’ve gotten good advice here. You will need to get your ducks in a row in advance. Is there a way to open an account in your name now and start building a war chest? If not, the posters at 12:10 and 12:14 are spot on — withdraw money the day of or shortly before and then spring it on him.

       I will say that I was very careful to only talk half of our joint cash when I left my husband some years ago. In hindsight I wish I’d taken more because I needed it more to set up a new household, and it would have come out in the wash when we finalized the settlement. So if you are moving and he’ll be staying, don’t be shy about taking what you need to set up your household (as long as there will eventually be assets to even things up in the final judgment).

       And yes, you need to accept that you will be sharing custody of your child going forward and trying to fight it is probably pointless. So the best thing to do is start out with the mindset that you want to figure out a co-parenting arrangement that will work for all three of you. And even if it’s 50-50 custody, the higher earner will most likely be paying child support to the lower earner. (In my state, it’s a sliding scale based on custody time vs. income.)

    4. I sing this song every time this comes up but . . .

       Talk to a lawyer before you do anything. Find out how much the initial consultation will be (probably not that much) and set aside that amount, but anything more needs to be pursuant to legal advice. There are definitely circumstances where taking money out of your joint accounts is called for, but if that makes your mortgage payment bounce the judge will not be happy so this is a very case specific calculation. Your lawyer can advise you about what financial and custody arrangements are most likely in your location.

       And you need to reconcile yourself to 50/50 custody unless he wants less. If you tell him you want a divorce, you cannot just move out and take your child with you and you cannot make him move. You two will either work it out or a court will do it for you. The first is infinitely better.

    5. Soooo thinking the through the logistics of how to break up is a pretty good sign you’re ready to break up.

       1. +1

12. Has anyone had a chemical peel? I have awful melasma that is bad in the winter and worse in the summer. Nothing I do seems to improve it so I’m considering a chemical peel but wants to know if anyone had any experience with this or can recommend a dermatologist in the NYC area. Thanks!

    1. Have you tried laser? I find that better than a chemical peel, but I have sun damage, not melasma so YMMV

       1. Yea that’s the issue. I read that melasma is triggered by heat and light so lasers may make it initially look better and then it can come back even worse. Needless to say I’m pretty cautious when it comes to lasers on my face.

    2. I don’t have melasma, but I do have hyperpigmentation/dark spots from pregnancy that will not go away. I tried lasers and no luck (I have medium tan South Asian skin so I can’t use the strongest lasers). I’m trying a Cosmelan peel today and hopeful that this will do the trick.

       1. Please report back on the cosmelan peel!

13. Pretty sure there isn’t a magic answer that I haven’t considered but hoping for some input! I have a dark hardwood bed room set (bed, two dresssers) that was my grandmothers (and apparently she had bought it used) the bed is falling apart but the dressers are still in great shape and i like them and want to use them. So looking to replace the bed with something that “goes” with the dressers. Will never match the wood. I love fabric beds but i think they’re not practical (my cat will scratch it, i use a lot of coconut oil and grease at night– think it will get messy). Is there some option i’m not thinking of other than a metal bed stand?

    1. Get a wood bed in a contrasting finish.

    2. None of my bedroom furniture matches in a set way but it goes because it’s eclectically put together. Get something you like.

       1. +1

          This is the way. No matchy matchy.

    3. Painted wood? Like there are a ton of options in Pottery Barn White.

       1. I’d do painted wood.

    4. Is there a reason you’re not considering iron? I have a dark bronze headboard and footboard that I love. I’ve had them probably 25 years, and I still love them. We ended up there because, at a previous home, the king-sized bed had to go in front of two windows. Iron was the way to go to keep from blocking too much window, and it also lightens the weight (metaphorical weight but probably also literal weight) of the big headboard. Mine was expensive for me at the time, but it has held up beautifully. It’s much better quality than what is available on Amazon and the like right now, but I don’t remember the brand name.

    5. I would probably have someone look at the bed frame and see what can be done. Restoring solid wood furniture isn’t as complex as it seems and experts can work magic. (It’s totally DIYable too but you don’t seem like the type).

    6. I had some of my grandmother’s furniture restored by a furniture restorer. They can remake things that are in literal pieces. If you want to keep the bed frame, I would go that route. You will spend way more money, but if you love it, do that. It’s so worth it. They can also change the stain or hardware for the dressers at the same time.

       This is the reality of antiques. The quality is going to last so much longer but they always need repairs over time.

14. I want to plan a trip to Portland OR next year. Time is flexible. Visiting friends and exploring. Any recommendations in or around Portland?

    1. i don’t remember exactly how far it is from portland but crater lake is one of the most beautiful spots i’ve ever seen.

       1. Crater Lake is beautiful, but not easy to combine with Portland unless you’re staying for quite a while. It’s about a 6 hour drive.

          Multnomah Falls is much closer and is the nature thing that’s typically done on a weekend in Portland.

       2. Quite far, and likely worth a trip on it’s own. Would recommend a Crater Lake/Bend/Sisters road trip or northern ca + crater lake over trying to include it on a Portland Itinerary.

       3. Crater Lake is a good chunk of driving; if you do that you might want to do a leisurely road trip and spend a few days in Bend. For just an outdoor-day-trip from Portland, I’d go with the Columbia Gorge or maybe Mt Hood

          Go in the summer or early fall unless you really really like rain

    2. Some Oregon favorites within a close drive from Portland, or city proper:
       – Tillamook factory + Oregon Coast (cheese + dynamic coastline)
       – Columbia River Gorge + Visa House + Multnomah Falls + Bridal Veil (hiking + woods)
       – International Rose Garden (May to October Blooms)
       – Nob Hill shopping lap (Elephants Delicatessen + Salt & Straw ice cream)
       – Powell’s Bookstore
       – Thrift shopping the “bins” (Haven’t done this in years so don’t have any current recommendations)
       -Silver Falls State Park + Silverton (bit of a drive, but 10 waterfalls in 10 miles if you finish the loop)

    3. My family spent a long weekend in Seaside OR, which is not far from Portland. We loved it.

    4. Portland has a fun bar scene. My favorite is called Rabbit Bar. Columbia Gorge is great. They have wineries outside of town and I’ve done a fun wine tour with these people: https://www.thegoodvibestour.com/lets-roll/wine-tours The Portland Art Museum is small but nice if you are into that kind of thing. Obviously you need to visit Powell’s Books. I’ve done a Segway tour of the city (booked it on viator) and it was dorky but super fun. The brunch cruise on the Portland Spirit is a little pricey but it’s relaxing and the views from the river and lovely.

       1. are lovely

       2. Oh, and if you like that sort of thing the main library downtown is in a lovely old building and is worth a visit.

    5. Portland, OR is one of the few cities in this country that I’ve visited I have no desire to return to. The surrounding areas (the coast, or in the other direction, Bend) are beautiful, but I found the city itself extremely underwhelming and unenjoyable to visit

       1. I liked it. It certainly doesn’t have the diversity of activities that a big city like NYC or Chicago does, but I really enjoyed the food scene and we found some fun things to do. It’s not on my list of favorite cities but also far from my least favorite.

    6. Go in May or September for best chance of good weather. Amazing zoo. Have to hit up Powells. You will want to move there. Source: I grew up there, moved away 20 years ago, and wish every day I could move back [but too disruptive to current family dynamics, le sigh.]

15. anyone else have a HS senior who got bad news this week from Early Decision? It’s easy to tell them that there are other schools but disappointing to watch.

    1. I’m sorry. I am an outside observed with no kids, but I really hate that ED has become so widespread. I think it is too much pressure all around.

       1. Right, my kid got deferred and so is now debating whether to ED 2 somewhere else or wait for this one which is really his first choice and of course a girl from his class who was supposed to be EDing to Brown decided to apply “easier” to be done and got in early at his first choice. it seems to me when I applied you only applied ED if you truly wanted to go there more than anywhere else, not because you were demonstrating interest and the schools were watching their “yield”

          1. deferral is cruel. i’d rather just be rejected

             1. that’s what he keeps saying…..

             2. Deferral is essentially rejection. Maybe it’s different now, but when I was applying ~20 years ago the odds of getting in after deferral (barring a significant change in personal circumstances, like winning some sort of national academic or athletic award) were microscopic, even relative to the overall small odds of getting into Ivies. I would think of it as a rejection.

          2. See what I wrote on last week’s thread about this.

             The school already expressed a lack of interest. Take EDII and move on.

    2. No but I was devastated that I was deferred at my dream school doing ED, over 20 years ago. I ended up at my safety school and hated it, tried to transfer but couldn’t because of financial aid. I ended up being a happy and functional adult nevertheless, but the sadness and disappointment at the time were very real.

       1. I was also deferred and subsequently rejected from my dream school 22 years ago. I was devastated and did not handle it well. I told my parents I was unwilling to fill out any more applications and I would just go to our local State U where I was already enrolled, since I’d been taking college classes there throughout high school. I ended up getting accepted to the other top tier school I’d applied to through non-binding early action and going there. In the long term, it worked out for me and I don’t think the dream school actually would have been a great fit for me, but it is still an incredibly painful memory.

          So sorry for your kiddo. Let them feel their feelings and as much as possible try to sympathize without trying to fix the problem or list all the other great schools they’ll get into. Sometimes they just need to vent and have someone listen without offering practical solutions.

    3. not me, but my dad desperately wanted to go to Yale, but didn’t get in. He was ultimately deciding between Penn and Columbia (he would’ve lived at home). He went to Penn with a transfer application to Yale in hand…but ended up loving Penn so much the Yale application ended up in the trash. One of my college besties was at her second choice school and loved it. it must be very hard to watch. I haven’t been on the parent side yet, but it is especially hard when other classmates get in. When I was a senior in high school MANY of us applied early and everyone who did, with the exception of 3 students, got into their first choice schools. it must have been incredibly hard for the others and we all tried to be sensitive about it, so hopefully your child’s classmates are also considerate

    4. I forbade my daughter to apply early decision because we couldn’t afford to commit without seeing the financial aid offers, and I had a suspicion that she’d get more aid in regular decision than in early decision. It worked out for her because her top choice was a school where her stats were very much above average, so she was admitted under nonbinding early action with a nice merit aid package. If she’d wanted to attend an elite school it would have been very hard to say no to ED, but we would have had no choice because even need-based aid is so unpredictable especially with the FAFSA delays.

       Early decision is a scam driven by rankings and greed.

       1. it is. it’s just ridiculous that these solid but not exceptional schools are now boasting the admissions stats that they are and…. like anyone i know whose kid applied ED to tulane got in even with mediocre grades and those that applied regular got waitlisted with my better credentials because the school doesn’t want to risk their “yield” number by taking kids who won’t come. it’s a free for all… reminds me of when Charlotte Lucas says that Jane should pretend to like Bingley more than she does….

          1. A certain college rankings report has ruined a lot of things in higher education. My kid is three years away from applying to college, and I plan to be very clear about how much of a racket some of these metrics are. (I work in higher ed, so I’m not talking out my a $ $; I have seen how the sausage is made.)

    5. My niece. It is hard to watch. My go-to line has been “School X isn’t your magic place. You’ll find your magic place.” I mostly just listen. These kids will be fine, and working through rejection ultimately is good. But yes, it’s hard to watch them feel their feelings.

    6. Tomorrow is the day for us. If it makes you feel any better, my oldest got rejected from Duke ED a few years ago. She went to her second-choice school and had a wonderful time. Trust that everyone ends up where they are supposed to be. I am trying very hard to remind myself and my child of that, because I am not expecting good news tomorrow.

    7. The most interesting people often have winding paths through life!
       I would not frame this as a college-lesson but more broadly about how to handle things when your plans do not come to fruition. Most people at some point are denied admission to programs, careers, jobs, relationships, etc.
       Focus on their toolbox and what skills can help them come back from setbacks- do they prefer leaning on close friends or more introspection? Do they have healthy habits that keep them going? Are they ruled by shame or are they able to be vulnerable to confidantes?

16. Does anyone have recommendations for “cooling” sheets? I have hit perimenopause, and it is brutal at night. Thanks in advance! (Coincidentally my Threshold sheets just tore in the middle, so clearly it’s time for new sheets.)

    1. I love the Company Store percale for crisp and cool. The top sheet is JUST starting to get a small hole at the seam and I’ve had them for years.

       1. 100% cotton percale will be the coolest.

       2. +1! I’m a hot sleeper and these are my favorite sheets

    2. Look for “hygrocotton”; it’s cool touch.

    3. if you have money to throw at the problem, i’ve heard great things about the chili pad!
       i love linen sheets because they’re the perfect layer when it’s too hot but i still want to be covered in something. i have some cooling sheets from ugg that are fine.

17. I kind of can’t believe I’m saying this, but I do think there is a lack of critical thinking being taught at top universities. I was reading an article in my alma mater’s (a top 20 school) student newspaper and apparently a group of student organizations formed a “Coalition for Liberation” that is committed to “collective liberation.” This was initiated by a BDS vote. The students interviewed for the article sound like they are just spouting off random stuff they heard/read rather than thinking critically. This is somehow all related to Students for Justice in Palestine, but a student interviewed from a club that focuses on urban gardening said she wanted her club to join because her club is focused on inclusivity and gardening for everyone…and that is what SJP is doing. Another student said that while they are not familiar with the issues being voted on, they wanted to join because “students and laborers everywhere need to show support for one another.” If you are admittedly unfamiliar with the issues, why are you expressing an opinion?!?! Why don’t you educate yourself first?!?

    If this is the future of this country we are all in big trouble.

    1. If you think this is anything new and not a normal campus culture phenomenon going back generations, you may be expressing an opinion about something you’re unfamiliar with!

       1. Yes, this. I’m a college professor, and I despise that people seem to think that “back then we were taught critical thinking, but now…” This is exactly how college students have been forever. And “top schools” are no different than other schools, outside of the prestige machine (which is a machine that matters, I understand). But the idea that Harvard students are critical thinkers in a way that students at “lower-tier” schools aren’t is total crap.

          And if you want to know why they’re expressing opinions about things they know nothing about, look no further than internet culture, fast news, etc. Adults espouse opinions on things they don’t know about all. the. time.

          1. I remember when I applied to study abroad at an eastern European university (decades ago!), they sent me an information packet about cultural differences US students should be aware of. Basically the gist was that while US students may have been rewarded for speaking up, participating in class, and expressing an opinion, in their classes, unless a contribution to class would be informed, accurate, and well reasoned, it might be better to keep quiet until such time as one’s opinion could meet those criteria.

          2. “Kids these days” is literally as old as time.

             1. SO TRUE. I did an independent study on the poetry of Catullus, who was a Roman poet. The elders were SCANDALIZED by his work.

       2. i work on a college campus and I agree with the OP. With the rise of social media, students get their information from everywhere and anywhere and don’t fact check. they also then follow more accounts that all agree with one another, which reinforces those ideas.

          1. Sure. But this isn’t new with social media. It’s just not different from previous generations, and the hand-wringing by people who aren’t in the classroom, working directly with students, is maddening.

             1. And to add: “If this is the future of the country, we’re in big trouble” has been repeated about counter-culture students from the 60s, protesting students in the 70s and 80s, etc.

       3. Amen.

    2. We are not all in “big trouble” because the enforced pro-Israel monoconsensus is breaking. I’m sorry young people don’t love your ethnostate as much as you’d like.

       1. I would not consider myself “pro-Israel.” i have no issue with students agreeing with Students for Justice in Palestine, but it is more the idea that students are signing off on something and then admitting (on the record!!!) that they don’t know what they are agreeing/not agreeing with. I also do not understand what this has to do with urban agriculture or supporting students and laborers. I think both students and adults should educate themselves before being interviewed about a topic.

       2. Eh it could be easy to not support policies of a government… without supporting terrorist-funded organizations dedicated to the extinction of a culture / religion / people … if we had nuance. Today is not that day tho

    3. “Young people have exalted notions, because they have not yet been humbled by life or learned its necessary limitations; moreover, their hopeful disposition makes them think them- selves equal to great things.” – Aristotle

    4. Is gardening a euphemism here? I think I would still be confused either way, but for different reasons.

       1. Cotd

    5. Admittedly, this could also be caused by poor journalism standards. While I was an undergrad, the student reporters often interviewed their close friends or whomever would speak on the record- not necessarily the students who are best educated or most impacted by the issues. Often the articles would highlight outgoing and popular individuals, leaving nuanced quotes off the pages.

    6. I was at UC Berkley in the late 1980s when the US bombed Libya. The students (naturally) stormed the Bay Bridge (because nothing makes people sympathize with your cause more than making them sit in traffic for hours). Local news shows up to interview the students and half of them did not actually know what they were protesting (several though it was an increase in tuition). And the rest did not have a position more sophisticated than bombs = bad.

       This is not new.

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